Been Here Too Few Years by Addie Logan
Summary: After the death of her first love, Buffy Summers swore to never give her heart to another. But with the addition of an unwelcome houseguest into her life, Buffy begins to realize she may have to rethink that vow… (All-human AU)
Categories: NC-17 Fics Characters: None
Genres: Romance, Angst
Warnings: Adult Language, Sexual Situations
Challenges:
Series: None
Chapters: 72 Completed: Yes Word count: 182599 Read: 145260 Published: 10/17/2004 Updated: 10/20/2006

1. Prologue: The Wedding by Addie Logan

2. Chapter One by Addie Logan

3. Chapter Two by Addie Logan

4. Chapter Three by Addie Logan

5. Chapter Four by Addie Logan

6. Chapter Five by Addie Logan

7. Chapter Six by Addie Logan

8. Chapter Seven by Addie Logan

9. Chapter Eight by Addie Logan

10. Chapter Nine by Addie Logan

11. Chapter Ten by Addie Logan

12. Chapter Eleven by Addie Logan

13. Chapter Twelve by Addie Logan

14. Chapter Thirteen by Addie Logan

15. Chapter Fourteen by Addie Logan

16. Chapter Fifteen by Addie Logan

17. Chapter Sixteen by Addie Logan

18. Chapter Seventeen by Addie Logan

19. Chapter Eighteen by Addie Logan

20. Chapter Nineteen by Addie Logan

21. Chapter Twenty by Addie Logan

22. Chapter Twenty-One by Addie Logan

23. Chapter Twenty-Two by Addie Logan

24. Chapter Twenty-Three by Addie Logan

25. Chapter Twenty-Four by Addie Logan

26. Chapter Twenty-Five by Addie Logan

27. Chapter Twenty-Six by Addie Logan

28. Chapter Twenty-Seven by Addie Logan

29. Chapter Twenty-Eight by Addie Logan

30. Chapter Twenty-Nine by Addie Logan

31. Chapter Thirty by Addie Logan

32. Chapter Thirty-One by Addie Logan

33. Chapter Thirty-Two by Addie Logan

34. Chapter Thirty-Three by Addie Logan

35. Chapter Thirty-Four by Addie Logan

36. Chapter Thirty-Five by Addie Logan

37. Chapter Thirty-Six by Addie Logan

38. Chapter Thirty-Seven by Addie Logan

39. Chapter Thirty-Eight by Addie Logan

40. Chapter Thirty-Nine by Addie Logan

41. Chapter Forty by Addie Logan

42. Chapter Forty-One by Addie Logan

43. Chapter Forty-Two by Addie Logan

44. Chapter Forty-Three by Addie Logan

45. Chapter Forty-Four by Addie Logan

46. Chapter Forty-Five by Addie Logan

47. Chapter Forty-Six by Addie Logan

48. Chapter Forty-Seven by Addie Logan

49. Chapter Forty-Eight by Addie Logan

50. Chapter Forty-Nine by Addie Logan

51. Chapter Fifty by Addie Logan

52. Chapter Fifty-One by Addie Logan

53. Chapter Fifty-Two by Addie Logan

54. Chapter Fifty-Three by Addie Logan

55. Chapter Fifty-Four by Addie Logan

56. Chapter Fifty-Five by Addie Logan

57. Chapter Fifty-Six by Addie Logan

58. Chapter Fifty-Seven by Addie Logan

59. Chapter Fifty-Eight by Addie Logan

60. Chapter Fifty-Nine by Addie Logan

61. Chapter Sixty by Addie Logan

62. Chapter Sixty-One by Addie Logan

63. Chapter Sixty-Two by Addie Logan

64. Chapter Sixty-Three by Addie Logan

65. Chapter Sixty-Four by Addie Logan

66. Chapter Sixty-Five by Addie Logan

67. Chapter Sixty-Six by Addie Logan

68. Chapter Sixty-Seven by Addie Logan

69. Chapter Sixty-Eight by Addie Logan

70. Chapter Sixty-Nine by Addie Logan

71. Chapter Seventy by Addie Logan

72. Epilogue by Addie Logan

Prologue: The Wedding by Addie Logan
Disclaimer: I don't own Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I'm not writing this for profit or personal gain. Why am I writing this you ask? I…well…um… That's a good question. I'll go with "to stave off the insanity." "Hang" is by Matchbox 20.

Rating: NC-17 (It's Spike's fault again. He just won't keep his clothes on, even in AU's…)

Summary: After the death of her first love, Buffy Summers swore to never give her heart to another. But with the addition of an unwelcome houseguest into her life, Buffy begins to realize she may have to rethink that vow… (Spuffy; All-human AU)

Spoilers: It's one of those insidious all-human fics, so none, I guess. I'll probably use a few lines from some episodes here and there, but nothing that would give away major plot points for those of you who still haven't managed to see the whole series a year after it ended…

Author's Note: Okay, technically in this story, Spike and Buffy are step-siblings. However, they never lived together as children, and prior to the main part of this fic, they'd only met once (and that's in the prologue.) Basically, they're step-siblings in name only. Still, if that's enough to bother you, don't read this and then harass me about it. I know it's a potentially creepy subject, hence this nifty little disclaimer. If you didn't read this, get two pages into the fic, and think "Ew! Her mom is married to his dad! I hate this fic and want to burn it and then give the author a stern talking to," well, it's your own dang fault, and I'll delete your email gleefully. If the sorta almost family issue doesn't bother you, then by all means, read on.

Feedback and Archiving: Feedback is the bestest best thing in the world. (Well, almost, anyway.) Give me lots of it, and I will be a happy and productive author. Also, I love it when people want to archive my work, but I like to be asked first. Please e-mail me any archiving requests before posting my fics. Thanks! Email: addie_logan@yahoo.com

Shameless Website Plug: Like this story? Dying to read more of my work? Or maybe you think it sucks, and want to laugh at my other crappy writing. Either way, check out my website: http://www.angelfire.com/scifi/addielogan



Been Here Too Few Years

By: Addie Logan

*** *** ***

She grabs her magazines
She packs her things and she goes
She leaves the pictures hanging on the wall, she burns all
Her notes and she knows, she's been here too few years
To feel this old

He smokes his cigarette, he stays outside 'till it's gone
If anybody ever had a heart, he wouldn't be alone
He knows, she's been here too few years, to be gone

And we always say, it would be good to go away, someday
But if there's nothing there to make things change
If it's the same for you I'll just hang

The trouble understand, is she got reasons he don't
Funny how he couldn't see at all, 'til she grabbed up her coat
And she goes, she's been here too few years to take it all in stride
But still it's much too long, to let hurt go (you let her go)
And we always say, it would be good to go away, someday
But if there's nothing there to make things change
If it's the same for you I'll just hang
The same for you
I'll always hang
Well I always say, it would be good to go away
But if things don't work out like we think
And there's nothing there to ease this ache
But if there's nothing there to make things change
If it's the same for you, I'll just hang


*** *** ***

Prologue: The Wedding

Buffy Summers was surprised at how excited she was on the morning of her mother's second wedding. When Joyce Summers had first begun dating again after the divorce, Buffy hadn't been happy. It hadn't helped that the first man Joyce had brought home was less than stable and threatened Buffy while playing mini golf of all things.

But try as she might, Buffy had never been able to truly dislike Rupert Giles. In the past year since he'd come into her life, Buffy had already begun to regard the middle-aged librarian as the fatherly role model she'd never really had before. Besides, he'd put a spark of happiness back in Joyce's eyes, and that was one thing that Buffy would never begrudge her mother.

Buffy's ten year old sister Dawn, however, was another story.

"But I like it just the three of us!" Dawn whined as she sat on Buffy's bed, letting the elder Summers sister brush her long, brown hair. "My friend Janice has a step-dad, and she says he's a total jerk."

Buffy held back from saying that if she had to live with Janice, she probably wouldn't be all that cheery either. "But Giles is cool," Buffy said. "In a tweed-wearing high school librarian sort of way. Besides, Mom loves him."

"This is all your fault you know," Dawn accused. "If you hadn't gotten in trouble and had to serve detention, Mom never would've met him, and our lives could've kept going on the way they were."

Buffy through back to that day almost a year ago, when Joyce had come to the Sunnydale High School library to pick her daughter up from detention. Joyce's anger with Buffy had quickly been pushed to the side as she and Giles had begun a two-hour conversation that ended in a dinner invitation. "Personally, I'm glad I got caught trying to skip class," Buffy said. "You can be negative all you want, but I think we're going to make a great family." Buffy hadn't realized how much she'd missed the feeling of unity from having a mother and a father until Giles had come into her life and reminded her what she'd been missing.

Dawn decided she wasn't going to sway Buffy to her side. "Speaking of family, isn't Giles's son supposed to be getting here today?"

"Yeah. Giles is picking him up from the airport at noon."

"The mysterious William," Dawn said with a smirk. "I wonder what he'll be like. You think he'll be another member of the Tweed Squad?"

"I don't think so," Buffy replied. To be honest, she wasn't sure she wanted to meet William. Most of what she'd heard about him had been spoken in hushed tones when Giles and Joyce thought that Buffy couldn't hear them. She knew that, while he'd once been rather introverted, he'd become more rebellious as of late, choosing to remain behind in London—supposedly living with a woman his father didn't approve of—instead of accompanying Giles when he made the move to California.

Giles had stated several times that he wouldn't be surprised if William refused to come at all, despite his attempt to extend the olive branch to his only child and make him his best man. Buffy wished he would just stay in England. She had high hopes for familial bliss, and wild step-brothers could only ruin that.

"Maybe he'll defy all odds and actually be cool," Dawn said.

"Maybe." Buffy patted Dawn's head and set down the brush. "There. Tangle-free. Try to keep it that way at least until it's time to fix it for the wedding. We don't want everyone thinking Mom makes you live out in the woods or something."

Dawn rolled her eyes in classic irritated little sister style. "It was not that bad, Buffy."

"Tell that to the person that didn't just spend twenty minutes detangling your hair."

"Whatever. It was more like fifteen."

"Still too long. Come on, I told Mom we'd make her breakfast."

"Hope she likes cereal," Dawn muttered.

"Hey! I can totally make breakfast."

"Says the girl who seems to think eggs are supposed to be black and crispy."

"I've been practicing, and I think I've discovered and learned from my mistakes."

"Famous last words," Dawn replied as she followed Buffy out of the bedroom.

*** *** ***

William "Spike" Giles grabbed his bag from the trunk of his father's old Citron. They'd barely said two words to each other on the drive to the airport, and Spike was already regretting coming. He almost hadn't, especially when it had been made clear to him that his girlfriend, Drusilla, was not welcome. But Spike had been too curious to see the woman his father had replaced his dead mother with not to show.

Spike started to follow his father into the house, but stopped when he looked up into a second-story window and caught a glimpse of a girl dancing. She wore a shimmery, light blue top that clung to her curves perfectly. Her long, blonde hair framed her face, and she moved with the grace and self-confidence of someone who didn't know she had an audience. The vision of her enthralled him, and for a moment, Spike forgot all about Drusilla. All that existed for him in that moment was the golden goddess he had the privilege of watching. She was radiant, glowing.

Effulgent…

"William, are you coming in, or are you going to spend the entire visit standing out on the lawn?"

Spike blinked, his father's irritated voice breaking the spell he'd been under. "Sorry, Rupes. Just admiring your new place."

Giles frowned at his son's disrespectful nickname for him. "Right. Well, come inside. Joyce is at the salon having her hair and make-up done, and I need to get you settled so I can leave before she returns. Bloody tradition and all. Dawn and Buffy are here though, if you would like to meet them."

Spike rolled his eyes. Buffy… He couldn't believe his father was marrying a woman who would name her child Buffy. "Fine, I'll meet the little chits."

"William…" Giles said in warning.

"Fine. Let me meet your wonderful wife-to-be's wonderful daughters."

Spike followed Giles into the house, getting a quick glance at the living room as Giles called Buffy and Dawn downstairs. Spike sucked in a breath as the woman he'd watched dancing descended the stairs. She was even more beautiful up close than she'd been through the window. If her mother was anything like her, maybe Spike could understand why his father had decided to remarry. Maybe.

Buffy looked up, feeling a rush of shock at the sight of Giles's son. His clothes were all black, adorned with safety pins, and his short, spiked hair was bleached to white. His deep, blue eyes were rimmed in dark black. He was gorgeous. He was dangerous. How he could be the son of the proper librarian who was marrying her mother was beyond her.

Buffy almost stumbled down the stairs as Dawn ran past her. The younger Summers girl stopped short at the last step, gaping at Spike. "Whoa. You look totally different than in your picture. No puffy brown hair or geek glasses."

"Da, are you still showing people those horrid pictures of me? Bloody hell, do you want everyone to think I'm just a chip off the old pathetic git block?"

"Well, I certainly don't want people to know my son insists on dressing like a street thug and calling himself some ridiculous name. What is it again, Snake?" Giles snapped.

"It's Spike, and you know it," Spike said through clenched teeth.

Buffy decided right then and there that she didn't like the blond punk that was standing in her foyer. Giles was one of the nicest people she knew, and she hated the thought of anyone being rude to him, especially his own son. What was William's problem? Didn't he know how lucky he was to have a father who wasn't scum?

The dreamy look in Dawn's eyes told Buffy that her sister didn't share her sentiments.

"William," Giles said pointedly, "These are Joyce's daughters—Buffy and Dawn." Giles gestured to each girl as he said her name. "Girls, this is my son, William." Again, Giles made sure to add emphasis to his son's given name.

Spike raised a scarred eyebrow as he learned that the older one was Buffy. He thought for sure she'd be Dawn. After all, her golden hair did remind him of sunrise… He pushed that last thought away. It didn't matter. He had no intention of getting to know anyone in the Summers family. "Nice to meet you," Spike said, sure to make his sarcasm evident.

"My thoughts exactly," Buffy replied with a saccharine smile.

Dawn seemed oblivious to Spike's attempts to be rude. "Do you want me to show him where he'll be staying?" she asked Giles.

"Yes, that would probably be for the best right now," Giles said, grateful for a way to break the tension. "William, you'll be staying in Dawn's room, while Dawn will be with Buffy. Joyce and I will leave for our honeymoon after the reception, but Joyce's mother will be here tonight, as she is staying with the girls while we will be gone."

"Doesn't matter," Spike said with a shrug. "I'm leaving tomorrow morning anyway."

Giles nodded. "I suspected as much."

Dawn grasped Spike's hand, forgetting her previous decision to hate her new step-brother. "Come on, I'll show you my room."

Spike let her pull him behind her, finding he didn't have the heart to continue being rude to her.

"It's smaller than Buffy's room, but it's better," Dawn said as she opened her bedroom door. "Her room is totally lame. It has boy band posters all over the place."

Spike put his bag on top of Dawn's bed. "Well, then, I guess I was lucky in getting your room. Nothing scares me more than those dancing gits and the nancy boy hair gel they like so much."

Dawn giggled. "You know, as much as I totally hate that my mom is marrying your dad, I think I'm glad about you. You seem cool, and I've always wanted a big brother. Having a big sister sucks. Buffy is such a brat."

"Thanks, nibblet. You seem like you'll make a pretty cool little sis yourself."

Dawn smiled brightly at Spike, wishing more than anything that he was staying with them instead of going back to England. Maybe if he was around, she'd finally feel like something other than a freak in her own family.

*** *** ***

Buffy glared at the rumpled tuxedo-clad man leaning against the island in her kitchen. Despite Joyce's insistence that Spike's less-than-pleasant behavior hadn't even registered on her radar, Buffy was convinced that he'd ruined her mother's happy day.

Buffy strode angrily into the kitchen, arms crossed over her chest. "Do you realize you are like the most self-centered, arrogant jerk ever?"

Spike coughed. "Excuse me?"

"How dare you be such an ass at my mother's wedding? She worked hard to make this day perfect, and you had to ruin it!"

Spike rolled his eyes. "Whatever, Betty."

"It's Buffy," Buffy snapped. Spike was surprised at how menacing the petite blonde could sound, but didn't let it show.

"Yeah, like that's any better. Buffy." He snorted. "Makes you sound like a porn star."

"Oh yeah, and 'Spike' is so very classy."

Spike forced himself to ignore how attractive she was when she was angry. "Look, you stupid little bint, I really don't care about you or your mum, so why don't you just sod off?"

Buffy glared at him with indignation. "This is my kitchen. If anyone is going to 'sod off,' it's going to be you."

Spike would've laughed if he wasn't so mad. He gave her his most infuriating smirk. "I was here first."

"Too bad. Get out."

"Make me, Betty."

Spike and Buffy glared at each other, neither daring to be the first to move.

Dawn walked into the kitchen, unaware of the tension between her sister and new step-brother. "Hey, Spike. I know you have to get up early to catch your plane and stuff, but, um, do you want to watch a movie or something?"

Spike gave Buffy two more seconds worth of good glaring before turning to Dawn. "Sure, bit. Let's go find something to watch."

Buffy rolled her eyes and stepped back, letting Spike walk by. After he and Dawn were gone, she went back to her room, secure in her knowledge that William Giles would get on a plane back to London the next morning, and she would never have to see him again.

*** *** ***

Leave a review and let me know if you want more of this one.
Chapter One by Addie Logan
Five Years Later…



Buffy stared out the window of her tiny New York apartment, taking in the breathtaking view of a dumpster and the brick wall of the next building over. She sighed wearily at the sound of the pounding bass that was coming from next door, long since resigning herself to the fact that no amount of complaining or beating on the walls would ever make it stop.

The phone rang, and Buffy took it into her tiny bedroom, hoping the extra wall would allow her to hear whoever was on the other line. "Hello."

"Buffy! Honey, I'm so glad I caught you at home! It seems like you're never there."

Buffy cringed at the sound of her mother's voice, wishing she'd just let the answering machine pick up. "That's what happens when you're working your way through college, Mom."

Joyce sighed. "I wish you would just…"

"You didn't call to try to convince me to come home again," Buffy snapped. "What do you want?"

There was a moment of silence on the other end of the line, and Buffy could imagine the look on her mother's face as she told herself that all the books said she had to learn to take Buffy's desire for independence in stride, and eventually her daughter would realize just how much she needed her mother in her life. "You're right, Buffy. I did call for a favor. Sweetheart, I know you're not going to want to do this, but…"

"No."

"Buffy, you haven't even heard what I'm going to ask yet."

"I don't care. Whatever you want, the answer is no."

"It's really more a favor for Rupert than for me."

Buffy frowned. It was a sneaky tactic on her mother's part, knowing that Buffy would much sooner do something for her step-father than she would for Joyce. "What is it?" Buffy asked through gritted teeth.

"As you know, Rupert's son, William, has been staying with us for the past couple of months…"

"Yeah, what about it?" Buffy had been surprised when the man who had all but disappeared following her mother's wedding had asked to live with his father for a while. Apparently, he was an "aspiring musician" these days, and had come to California to "check out the L.A. scene."

"Well, L.A. isn't working out for him, and he wants to come to New York for a while. You know how hard it can be to get settled in a new place, and…"

"What do you want me to do, spend quality time with him when he gets here?"

"No."

"Scout out a place for him to live?"

"Not exactly. Actually, I'd like for you to…"

Buffy anticipated what her mother was planning to say next. "No. Wait, on second thought, make that a hell no. Not now, not ever, not even if saying yes was the only way to prevent the coming of the Apocalypse. No."

"Buffy, please be sensible about this. It would only be for a little while, until William found a job and a place of his own."

"No! God, I have enough stress in my life without having to put up with him, too."

"I told Rupert he should've been the one to call you. You're so unreasonable when it comes to me."

"Unreasonable? After what you did, I don't think anything I do is exactly 'unreasonable.'"

"Buffy, that was not my fault."

"You keep telling yourself that," Buffy replied coldly. "I know differently."

"We are not going to discuss that anymore," Joyce snapped. "I'm asking you to stop being self-centered long enough to help out your family."

Buffy's only response was to hang up. She wished she'd been on something other than a cordless phone. A slam would've felt so much more satisfying.

The phone began ringing again, and this time Buffy did let the answering machine pick up.

"Buffy, it's Giles."

Buffy sighed, and pushed the talk button, the machine shutting off as she did. "Hey, Giles. Mom's pulling out the big guns, huh?"

Giles laughed lightly. "She seems to be under the impression that you'll listen to me better than you do her."

"Yeah, well, there's a reason for that."

Unlike his wife, Giles knew there were certain issues it was better not to challenge Buffy on if he expected to get anything out of her. "I know."

"Look, I can try to find an apartment for him, possibly even get him a few leads on a job. My boss owns a couple of other restaurants. I could put in a good word for William if he promises not to embarrass me."

"And I would appreciate any of that, but the problem is that William is, well, rather impatient. When he decides he wants to do something, he does it, often without thinking it through. He says he wants to leave for New York Monday, and he doesn't seem liable to change his mind."

"Monday? That's three days away!"

"I know. And I'm worried about the kind of trouble he'll get into if he's there all alone. Please, Buffy. I know this is a lot to ask, but I'm only doing so because I'm desperate."

Buffy felt her resolve slipping. Giles had been there for her when her world had fallen apart around her. "Why didn't you call me sooner?"

"William made his decision to move this morning."

"This morning? And he's leaving Monday? Is he insane?"

Giles chuckled. "Quite possibly."

"Great. You want me to have a crazy man as my roommate. Thanks ever so." Buffy paused for a moment, then asked, "Does he still look like a reject from a Billy Idol wannabe contest?"

"Well, um, he…yes."

Buffy sighed. "When's his plane getting in?"

"Late Monday evening. He's taking an early flight, but with layovers and the time difference…"

"Can he take a cab from the airport himself, or do I have to go hold his hand?"

"I'm sure he can manage to find your flat if I give him the address."

"You so owe me, Giles."

"I know," Giles replied, the relief he felt at Buffy's relenting evident in his voice. "I can't thank you enough."

"If he's a total ass, I'm kicking him out."

"I understand."

"I have to go back to work. I'm on my lunch break."

"All right, Buffy. And thank you again."

"Just remind your wife of this when she goes on another one of her rants about what a horrible, selfish person I am."

"Buffy, your mother doesn't think…"

"Don't, Giles," Buffy said, her voice tired. "Just don't."

"Right. I'll call Tuesday to make sure William is settling in."

"Fine. Bye, Giles."

"Good-bye, Buffy."

*** *** ***

"How was your lunch break?"

"Ugh, don't even go there, Willow," Buffy groaned in response to her friend and co-worker as she pulled her ponytail through the back of the black cap she had to wear around the food. "You will not believe the phone call I got."

Willow leaned on the counter. "What happened?"

"My mother called…"

"Already feeling the badness…"

"It gets worse. She called to ask me a favor—a really big, really imposing favor."

"What did she want you to do? I mean, you can't really do much, being all the way on the other side of the country and all."

"You'd think. She wants me to let my step-father's son come stay with me for a while."

"What? You never told me you have a step-brother."

"That's because I don't."

"But your step-father's son…"

"Exactly. That's what he is. See, 'brother' implies some kind of familial relation, and I don't even know this guy. I met him once, five years ago at my mom's wedding, and he was a total asshole then. From what I remember, he was a complete freak, and I never even wanted to see him again, never mind have him as a roommate."

"Maybe he's changed," Willow offered.

"I doubt it. He's been staying with Mom and Giles for a while, so I've heard a little about him. He's trying to make it as a musician, or something like that, and all I can think about is what kind of hell that's going to reek upon my life."

"I lived with a bass player for a while. It wasn't bad."

Buffy cocked an eyebrow. "When did you live with a bass player?"

"Beginning of my freshman year, before I met you. But then he had all these personal problems—completely unrelated to the whole musician thing, I swear—and I, well, figured out I'm kinda gay."

"The things I learn about your wild past, Willow Rosenberg," Buffy said with a smirk.

Willow rolled her eyes. "I'd hardly call my past 'wild.'"

"I don't know… Xander told me about your crayon-breaking days in kindergarten, you rebel, you."

"That was an accident!"

"Excuse me, but I do not see money being made."

Willow and Buffy turned around to face their manager, Anya Jenkins. Anya was a little older than the other two women, and had graduated the year before with a degree in business. "That's because there aren't any customers," Buffy replied.

"There aren't any customers because they can see through the windows that the two of you aren't in your money-making positions." The bell above the door rang, and Anya jumped. "There's a customer now!"

"That's not a customer. That's just Xander. He's bringing back the notes he borrowed from me," Willow said.

"Xander!" Anya exclaimed, her eyes lighting up as she ran her hands down her sides, smoothing out her clothes.

"Hey, Wills. Buffster," Xander said, approaching the counter. He looked at the third woman. "Anya, right?"

"Right. I'm Anya. And you're Xander," Anya replied, as if trying to conceal nervousness.

"Um, yeah. That I am."

"So you have my notes?" Willow asked.

"Yep," Xander replied, bringing his backpack around so he could get them. "You system of color coding was really helpful."

"See!" Willow cried triumphantly. "Tara says it's insane. Well, actually, she said 'quirky,' but I know she meant insane. I could tell."

"Well, you can let Tara know that I said your system is very useful," Xander replied, handing the notes over the counter. "Hey, do you think while I'm here I could get a cheese danish?"

"Sure," Buffy replied, going towards the cash register.

"Buffy, don't charge him! He's your friend!" Anya said, getting Xander his danish.

Willow and Buffy exchanged a look. Anya didn't even give free food to employees, never mind their friends.

Anya handed Xander the pastry in a small paper bag, brushing her fingers against his as she did. "Please come back again," she said with a bright smile.

Xander smiled back, taking the bag. "I will."

"Are you taking off now?" Buffy asked him.

"Yeah. I have a class to get to. We still on for tonight?"

"Of course," Willow replied. "Buffy, you can still make it too, right? Don't have to do a lot to get ready for your houseguest?"

"A world of no. I'm going to do anything to make his stay more comfortable. If anything, I'll do what I can to make it more uncomfortable. Want to come by later and help me hide sharp things in the couch?"

"Buffy has a houseguest—a male houseguest?" Xander asked.

"It's just her brother," Willow replied.

"Buffy has a brother?"

Buffy sighed. "No, Buffy does not have a brother. It's my mother's husband's son."

"Wouldn't that be your step-brother?" Anya asked.

"No. He's…he's just the guy that's going to probably be making my life miserable for a while. No big."

Xander raised an eyebrow. "Fill me in on this later?"

"Yeah, I will."

"Okay. I'm off, then. Catch you ladies later. And nice to see you again, Anya."

"You, too, Xander." As soon as Xander left, Anya's dreamy smile left her face. "Okay, back to making money now," she commanded before going to the office.

"Did I have a moment of insanity, or did Anya just give something for free?" Willow asked.

"Unless we both had the same hallucination, she did."

"Wow. I never thought I'd live to see the day."

"I think she likes him," Buffy said. "Although as clueless as Xander tends to be, she'd probably have to show up to his apartment, take off all her clothes, and explain to him that their bodies interlock before he'd figure it out."

"And then we'd have the privilege of listening to Anya describe her orgasm-giving activities with Xander," Willow replied with a shudder. "That is one thing I do not want to think about."

"Better than her descriptions of the vengeance she inflicts once the orgasms stop," Buffy replied. "That woman can be really scary at times."

"Have you seen that look she gets in her eyes?" Willow asked. "It's downright demonic."

Buffy giggled. "I know that look. She gets it when she thinks the money's been endangered."

"Yep, that's the one." Willow laughed for a moment, then sobered. "Are you going to be okay with this whole mother's-husband's-son as a roommate thing?"

"I think so," Buffy replied. "And if I'm not, you'll help me hide the body, right?"

Willow wrapped her arm around Buffy's shoulder. "Of course. After all, what are friends for?"

*** *** ***

Buffy groaned, the loud banging at her front door pulling her out of a deep sleep. She looked at the clock, wondering who in the world could possibly be bothering her at this hour. Then she remembered.

William…

Buffy pulled herself from the couch where she'd been waiting for him. Even allowing for complications, he should've been there hours ago. It was three a.m., and she had a class in five hours.

Rubbing her eyes, Buffy walked towards the door, grumbling. She looked through the peephole, not sure if she was relieved or not to see that it was her new "roommate." She opened the door, feeling her skin prickle at the positively irritating smirk he was giving her.

"Hello, cutie."

*** *** ***

Yeah, I know—cruel place to leave it. I'll try to get the next chapter up as soon as I can. In the meantime, please leave a review and let me know what you think.
Chapter Two by Addie Logan

Spike looked down at the brunette who was currently glaring at him as if he were her least favorite person on the planet. He hid his shock, but the woman he was looking at now barely resembled the one he'd seen five years earlier. Aside from the change in her hair color, the healthy glow her skin had once held had been replaced by an almost sickly pallor.


"Hello, William. There's the couch," Buffy said, gesturing in the general direction of the aforementioned piece of furniture. "Sleep on it. Or just sit if you're not tired. Just don't make any noise. Got it?"


Spike frowned. Her mother had said something about Buffy experiencing some rough times since the wedding, but he wasn't expecting this. Her eyes held no spark, only weariness. She looked—broken. For a moment, Spike almost felt bad to be imposing himself on her like this, but then he remembered he had nowhere else to go.


"Um, yeah, okay. And, um, sorry about being so late. The plane got stuck in Cleveland for a while and…"


"Whatever. I have an early class." Buffy pushed past him, shutting and locking the front door before going back to her bedroom, leaving Spike standing in her small kitchen-slash-living room.


"Well, this should be fun," Spike muttered to himself as he made his way to the couch.


*** *** ***


Buffy walked out of her bedroom the next morning, her houseguest completely forgotten until she walked into the living room to see him sprawled out on her couch in nothing but a pair of ripped jeans. Her barely functionally-awake brain provided her first thought before she could control it. Much to Buffy's dismay, that thought happened to be "Mmm…yummy."


Her subsequent horror that that thought had entered her mind for even a second was like a splash of cold ice water. She scoffed in disgust. He wasn't attractive at all. Scrawny and pale. Who would want to look at that?


She gave him one last, quick glance out of the corner of her eye before going to the bathroom to get ready for school.


*** *** ***


"So is your step-brother here yet?"


Buffy gave Willow a dirty look as they walked together from class. "How many times do I have to tell you—mother's husband's son."


"Oh. Sorry, I forgot."


Buffy clutched her books tighter to her chest. "He's here. Got in at some ungodly hour this morning. I already wish he was gone."


"Did he do something?" Willow asked, frowning.


"Yes. He showed up. That was enough to keep from endearing himself to me. I am so not looking forward to going home with him there."


"I've got a solution for that—there's a party tonight that Tara, Xander, and I are all going to. Why don't you tag along?"


"Willow, I've told you a thousand times—I don't do parties. They're too much of a distraction."


Willow nudged her. "Riley Finn will be there."


"And I care about this because…"


"Oh, come on, Buffy—I've seen the way you look at him. Wistful stares across the classroom. And he's totally been looking back."


Buffy tried to push down the blush that threatened to form at her friend's teasing. "No way. I am fully content to be a single Buffy. Besides, I have to work tonight."


"Um, Buff, the bakery isn't open at night."


Buffy paled. "I meant school work! Yes, I have papers—lots of them."


Willow moved in front of Buffy, stopping her before she could try to walk faster. "You took a second job! You said you wouldn't do that again—not after you all but passed out from exhaustion the last time."


Buffy looked down. "I know, but…" She sighed, and said softly, "I had to, Wills. My power was cut off last week. If I didn't…" She felt tears sting her eyes.


Willow softened then, patting Buffy's shoulder, wishing there was more she could do for her friend. Willow had tried helping her out with what little money she could give in the past, but Buffy wouldn't take it. She said she didn't want to feel like the "charity case friend." "Maybe you could convince Snyder to give you a raise at the bakery," she suggested.


"Oh yes. Because that little rat-face man is so big with handing out more money. All he ever does is walk in the door, announce he hates everyone who works for him, and then leave."


"Good point. Buffy, you know if there's anything I can do…"


"I'll be okay. Really. I learned from last time, and I think I can better juggle two jobs and school now."


"If you say so…" Willow replied, obviously weary. "But Buffy, if things start getting as bad as they were before…"


"I know. I'll watch out for myself. I promise."


Willow moved away, letting them both continue walking down the hall. She said nothing, but the doubt in her eyes hadn't gone away.


*** *** ***


Spike looked up from where he was sitting on the couch as Buffy walked in the door. "How was school?"


"Don't talk to me."


"Right then." Spike turned back to the television.


Buffy opened the fridge, took out the milk, frowning as she felt the weight of the carton. She looked inside, confirming her suspicions. "The milk's gone."


"Yeah. I'll buy more when I figure out where the store is."


"You put the empty carton back in the fridge. That's…" Buffy stopped, frowning at the television. "Are you watching a soap opera?"


"Passions. Bloody brilliant show."


"You're a freak. Keep it down. I have to study." She tossed the empty milk carton in the garbage can and walked towards her bedroom, stopping halfway there and turning towards Spike. "And could you please put a shirt on? I really don't want to have to look at your pathetic excuse for a chest." With that, she went into the bedroom, slamming the door behind her.


"Bitch," Spike muttered to himself, turning up the volume of the television.


*** *** ***


Buffy came home, grateful to find her apartment dark and empty. She would have rather found it also without Spike's things still being here, but she would take what she could get.


He hadn't left her any note telling her where he'd gone or when he'd be back, but she didn't care. As far as Buffy was concerned, whoever had claimed that misery loves company had been wrong. She preferred to be alone and miserable. It made her feel less pathetic if the rest of the world couldn't see how low she'd let herself become.


Her stomach rumbled, but she ignored it. She'd already eaten tonight anyway, the caterers at her new job with the event staff at a reception hall allowing her to have some of the leftover hors d'oeuvres. Besides, it wasn't like she hadn't gone to bed hungry plenty of times before.


She went into the bathroom, stripping out of her uniform. She didn't look in the mirror, tired of the sight of the dark circles under her eyes and the outline of her ribs through her pale skin. She didn't know who it was she was seeing anymore, could barely convince herself that that was indeed her own reflection. She turned on the shower and stepped into the stall, letting the warm water wash over her weary, aching body.


Buffy pressed her hands against the tile wall, willing herself not to cry. She could be strong. She could do this. It didn't matter how hard things were now, they'd be better someday. She'd graduate, get a real job, and finally be able to make ends meet.


Five, ten years from now, none of this would matter.


After her shower, Buffy dried her hair and dressed for bed, looking forward to getting a few hours of sleep. Tomorrow was Saturday, but she had a double shift at the bakery, followed by another reception at her new job. If she could just rest a little, maybe she wouldn't be dead on her feet for that.


Buffy had just drifted off to sleep when it began. Her shelves began to rattle, the beat pounding from next door threatening to make everything on them spill to the floor. She groaned, pushing her pillow against her ears in an attempt to muffle the noise. It didn't work, nor did it cease the vibrations that shook the small apartment.


After close to half an hour of attempting to fall asleep despite the din, she got out of bed, walked next door and knocked. A few moments later, a tall, dark haired man opened the door, smirking down at her. "Can I help you?"


"Percy, I know we go through this all the time, but could you please turn the music down just this once? I'm really tired."


"I don't see how that's my problem."


"It's not really, but I just…"


"Look, I honestly don't care if you're some kind of loser that stays home in bed Friday nights, because I have a life—and right now, I'm having a party. You can't dictate the lives of the people around you."


"I'm not trying to…"


"You need to learn to live with other people, bitch. Get over it, and don't bother me again." Percy slammed the door in her face.


Buffy walked back to her apartment, forcing back tears for the second time that night as she went into her room and sat on the bed. She pulled the chain she wore around her neck from under her night shirt, clutching the Claddagh ring that hung from the end. Now she did cry, the burden of the painful memories she carried with her every day weighing her down further.


She wished as she did everyday that things were different, that fate hadn't been so cruel to her. If she could just have him here now, even simply to comfort her, she knew that everything would be okay.


When Buffy finally fell asleep that night, her hand was still wrapped tightly around the ring.


*** *** ***


I want to apologize for the fact that I neglected this story for two months. That wasn't my intention when I began it, but I got caught up in a couple of other fics, and this one suffered. However, I am now turning my attention back here, and I promise I won't wait that long for another update. (Although reviews usually make me update faster—hint, hint.)


Also, before I write anymore, I want to clearly state a few things as to not have any confusion in the future. I plan for this fic to be a long one, with a healthy dose of both UST and angst. That means it will be awhile before Buffy and Spike are an actually couple. However, despite the references to both Angel and Riley in this chapter, this story is Spuffy. If you're game for emotional ups and downs and whatnot, then by all means continue reading. I hope to make it an enjoyable ride. However, if you want fluff where Spike and Buffy are happy all the time, you're in the wrong place—and I don't want to see any reviews griping at me about it either. You've been warned right here, right now.


That being said, I also don't plan to make it so angsty that you feel the need to drown yourself in a box of Kleenex. There will also hopefully be enough humor and romance to stave off the need for Valium. Or whiskey. Either one.


Let me know what you think of it so far!


 

Chapter Three by Addie Logan
Buffy stood on a beach, watching as the sun set into the ocean. She could feel the breeze blowing through her golden hair, and she closed her eyes, smiling. Everything was peaceful, as if all the pain she'd known in the past few years had simply melted away.

She felt strong arms wrap around her, and she leaned back, resting against the comforting firmness of his chest. "You're here."

"I'm always here," a voice rumbled in her ear. "I'll always be here. With you."

Buffy turned then, looking into dark, soulful eyes. "Angel…"

Angel smiled sadly, stroking Buffy's cheek. Then, in a flash, he was gone, and Buffy was alone in an alley. She looked around, her heart beating faster as she realized where she was. "No…" she said softly, tears stinging her eyes. "Not here! Anywhere but here, please."

"Buffy!"

Buffy turned sharply at the sound of Angel's voice, watching as the bullet tore through his body. She ran to him as he slumped to the ground, and cradled his head in his lap. "Don't leave me," she begged through tears. "Don't leave me this time, please."

"I have to. You know I have to."

"No! I can't do it anymore. I can't be alone…" Angel's eyes closed, and Buffy held him tightly, mouthing silent pleas as she sobbed.

"This is your fault, you know."

Buffy looked up to see a second Angel standing in front of her, pointing to the dead body that she still held. "I…I didn't mean…"

"If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't be dead. You killed me, Buffy. You have no one to blame for your misery but yourself."

Buffy looked down at the blood covering her hands. "I'm so sorry. I never thought this would happen. I thought…I thought we'd be happy."

"Guess you were wrong."

Buffy sat up in her bed, clutching her sheets to her. She trembled, trying to tell herself it was only a dream.

But it wasn't just a dream. She was alone. Angel was dead—and it was all her fault.

For the second time that night, Buffy cried herself to sleep.

*** *** ***

Buffy was grateful to see Spike was wearing a shirt the next morning. Granted, that was only because he had quite obviously passed out in his clothes, but if it meant she didn't have to see his bare chest, then she really didn't care.

By the time she'd finished getting dressed for work, Spike hadn't moved. Buffy got her keys and started out the door, but stopped when she was hit with a sudden concern. What if he was dead? She knew it was a bit farfetched, but she'd heard stories of people getting drunk, passing out face down, and choking to death. Shouldn't she make sure she didn't have a corpse in her apartment before she went to work?

Dropping her purse and keys on the table, Buffy went over to Spike and knelt beside the couch. She watched him for a moment, trying to decide exactly how to figure out if he was still among the living. His face was turned away from her, and with him lying on his back, she couldn't quite tell if he was breathing or not.

She leaned over him, reaching out tentatively to place her hand under his nose. Suddenly, Spike turned, grabbing her hand as he did and pulling her on to him. Buffy yelped, sprawling out on top of him ungracefully. She tried to push herself up, but Spike had wrapped her arm around her waist, keeping her pinned.

Buffy sighed heavily. Why was he here? Didn't her life suck enough without him in it? She squirmed, attempting to work her way off of Spike. Instead, she managed to dump them both off the couch, landing with her on the floor and Spike on top of her.

It was then that Spike woke, blinking as he noticed their positions. "Buffy? How…"

"I was checking to see if you were dead," Buffy replied with a glare.

"Huh?"

"Get off me," Buffy snapped, trying to push at his chest again.

Spike stood, rubbing his head. "I thought I fell asleep on the couch."

"You did," Buffy replied, standing and brushing herself off.

"That doesn't explain why I woke up on top of you, on the floor," Spike said with a frown.

"I told you—I was checking to see if you were dead."

"Maybe it's just the hangover's fault, but that doesn't make a lot of sense."

Buffy sighed heavily. "You weren't moving, so I came to see if you were breathing, and then somehow we ended up on the floor—okay?"

"Right. Whatever. I just want to go back to sleep."

"Fine. I'm late for work anyway. Bye."

"See you," Spike mumbled, lying back down on the couch.

It wasn't until Buffy was walking away from the apartment building that she thought about what had happened. She remembered the way Spike had felt stretched on top of her, and she blushed. His body was tight and well-muscled, and it had felt even better than it had looked…

Buffy shook her head. Spike's body hadn't looked good at all. Too skinny, she reminded herself. And it hadn't felt nice either. She wasn't attracted to Spike. Not at all. She pushed those thoughts out of her head, concentrating on the long day she was facing instead.

*** *** ***

"You know, you've been wiping off that same section of the counter for five minutes."

Buffy looked up at Willow. "Oh. It's um…really dirty."

"Or maybe you're really out of it. You've been here since the breakfast shift, Buffy. It's a slow day—tell Anya you need to go home. She'll let you. Rat-man Snyder isn't here."

"I can't," Buffy said, still running the wet rag over the counter. "You know I need the money, Wills."

"I know. You just look beat," Willow replied. "Is it because of your second job?"

"No. Percy was at it again with the music last night. And then I had a nightmare. So between the two, it wasn't a big night for sleep."

Willow frowned. "A nightmare? About what?"

Buffy shifted uncomfortably. "I don't remember," she lied, hoping she could convince Willow enough that she'd drop the subject.

"Nightmares suck," Willow said. "I have this recurring one where I'm about to go on stage, but I didn't even know I was in a play, so I don't know any of my lines." She frowned. "And then I'm chased by this guy carrying a plate of cheese. I don't know what that's all about."

Buffy quirked her eyebrow. "Cheese?" she asked, grateful that the subject had moved away from her own dream.

"Yeah. It's weird. So what are your plans after you get out of here?"

"I'm working the other job tonight," Buffy replied. "Until two."

"Two? In the morning? Geez, with your shift here and then that, you're pulling like a seventeen hour day!"

"I have two hours in between," Buffy replied. "Besides, I have tomorrow off. I can just be lazy Buffy. Well, except for that paper I have to write."

"Buffy, I wo…"

"I know, Willow. You worry. But don't. I can handle myself. All that matters right now is having enough money to stay housed while I'm finishing school."

Willow frowned. She knew there was nothing she could say to convince Buffy that she was pushing herself too hard. The door opened, and Willow looked up as a tall man walked in. She nudged Buffy. "Look, it's Riley," she whispered.

"I can see it's Riley," Buffy replied. "So?"

"So…go take his order," Willow said, gently pushing Buffy towards the register. Buffy sighed, dropping the rag to the counter as she did.

"Can I help you?" Buffy asked.

Riley's hands were shoved in his pockets, and he gave Buffy a boyish grin. "Hi, Buffy."

"Hi, Riley. Order?"

"Yeah, I'll, um, have a…small coffee."

"Just a coffee?"

"Yeah."

"You came all the way over here for a small coffee? I thought you lived on the other side of town."

"I do. You guys just have, um, really good coffee."

"We do?"

Riley sighed. "Okay, so you don't. It's actually fairly awful. But, um, I…I wanted to ask you on a date."

"A date? Me?"

"Yeah," Riley replied. "I know we don't know each other that well, but I want to change that. I…I really like you Buffy."

Buffy let out a deep breath. "Riley, I'm sorry. It's not that I don't like you, because you seem like a really great guy, but I just don't have time for dating right now. My schedule's sort of full."

"Maybe if your schedule clears up?" Riley asked hopefully.

"Maybe—but I can't make you any promises. I'm sorry."

"It's okay," Riley said, poorly masking his disappointment. "I'll catch you later, Buffy."

"Guess he really didn't want the coffee," Buffy muttered as the door shut behind Riley.

Willow came over then. "So…what happened?"

"He asked me out."

"That's great!" Willow frowned. "Only you don't have a 'that's great' sort of face. What's wrong?"

"I told him no."

"You told him no! Are you crazy? Riley's been totally crushing on you all year—and I know it's mutual, so don't try to tell otherwise. The best friend always knows."

"It's not that I don't like him. I mean, yeah, he's nice—and definitely a hottie—but, I just… I can't. I have so much to do, and I wouldn't have time to throw a boyfriend into the mix. It wouldn't be fair to Riley."

"This isn't about that Parker guy, is it?"

Buffy blinked. "Parker? Abrahms? Willow, that was like three years ago."

"I know, but I haven't seen you date anyone since, and I thought maybe…"

"A world of no. I mean, yeah, Parker was a dick, but this isn't about him. I just have too much on my plate right now to mess with dating."

"You might be less stressed if you had someone to give you orgasms."

Willow and Buffy both whirled around to see Anya leaning against one of the food preparation counters. "How long have you been standing there?" Willow asked.

"Not long," Anya replied. "But long enough to hear that Buffy is apparently 'too busy' for orgasms. That's no way to live."

"Thanks for the input, Anya," Buffy grumbled.

"I'm only trying to be helpful. Impart my knowledge. Oh, and I wanted to ask about Xander."

Willow blinked. "Xander? What about him?"

"How is he doing? Has he mentioned me?"

"He's fine, and no," Willow replied.

"Oh," Anya frowned. "Well, tell him to come in here more often. I'll give him free food. Men like food." She smiled brightly.

"I'll pass the message on," Willow said.

"Great! Now get back to work." Anya went back towards the office.

Buffy and Willow shared a smile before Buffy went back to wiping off the counters.

*** *** ***

Again, Buffy came home after her second job to an empty yet loud apartment. She glared at the wall before going into her bedroom, collapsing on the bed still in her uniform. She'd told Willow that she was fine, but the truth was, she didn't know how she was going to keep holding on.

She was beyond exhausted, her one comfort being she could get some sleep the next day. But after that? She knew from experience that lack of sleep started weighing down on you, even if you tried to "catch up" by sleeping more when you could.

She toed off her shoes, curling up on top of the blankets. Her eyes drifted shut, and somehow even with the pounding music she managed to fall asleep.

*** *** ***

Buffy woke up the next morning, rubbing her eyes groggily. She frowned as she realized she'd fallen asleep in her clothes, and changed from the rumpled uniform to jeans and a t-shirt. She walked out into the living room, rolling her eyes as she saw Spike passed facedown on the couch again. She wondered if he could be anymore of a loser if he tried.

Buffy started towards the bathroom, stopping when she realized the door was closed. And was that the shower running? Buffy frowned as she heard a female voice begin singing loudly and off-key. Just what she needed—some skank in her bathroom.

Buffy sat at her table, waiting until the door opened and a blonde woman walked out. "And you would be?" Buffy asked.

The woman balled her fists and planted them firmly on her hips. "I could ask the same of you. And what are you doing in my blondie bear's apartment?"

"This is my apartment," Buffy replied through gritted teeth.

The blonde's eyes widened. "Oh! You're not like his wife or something, are you? Cause the last time I got caught by a guy's wife it was sooo not pretty."

"I am not his wife."

"Girlfriend?"

"No!"

"Roommate?"

"Uh, not really."

The blonde looked perplexed. "Then who are you?"

Buffy sighed. "I'm his father's wife's daughter."

The blonde frowned, her brow furrowed. "Wouldn't that make you his sister?" she asked after a moment.

"What! No! That thing is in no way my family," she said, gesturing towards Spike. "Now you—out of my apartment."

"Ugh. Fine. Tell Spikey I'll call him later."

"Whatever. Out."

The blonde grabbed her shoes and purse and stormed out of the apartment, shooting Buffy a murderous look as she did.

Buffy went over to the couch, shaking Spike hard. His eyes were bleary as they opened and looked up at her. "What the bloody hell do you what?"

"Who was that?"

"Who was who?"

"The blonde girl, in my bathroom. Who was she?"

"Oh buggering fuck. I really should learn to drink less." Spike clutched his head as if for emphasis.

"Do you even know her name?"

"Sure I do. Let me think…um…Heather? No, not Heather. Hannah! No, wait not Hannah. Oh, bugger, I know this one."

"You're a pig."

"Harmony!" Spike exclaimed. "It was Harmony. Harmony Kendall. She's a fashion major." He gave Buffy a smug look.

"Oh, I'm so impressed. Could you do me a favor?"

"Maybe. What?"

"Don't bring your sluts back to my apartment. The last thing I need is strange, scantily clad women running around."

"What am I supposed to do then? I can't just give up shagging."

"You could always go back to their apartments."

"I hate doing that."

"Why? Because then they might expect you to remember their names?"

"For starters."

"Again—pig."

"Oink, oink, baby."

"Well, you may not be done with Heather Hannah Harmony. She said she'd call you later."

"I didn't giver her my number! I…oh, hell. I bet Oz did."

"Oz?"

"Bass player I met the other night. The lead singer of his band might be quitting. If so, I could have myself an in."

"An in to what?"

"Uh, a band. That's why I'm here, remember?"

"I thought you were here to sleep on my couch and eat my food."

"Oi! I went shopping yesterday, I'll have you know." Spike crossed his hands over his chest. "Replaced everything I ate."

"Really?"

"Yes. I still had some money left over from before I came here."

"And that's where you've been the past few nights—trying to find a band to play with?" Buffy asked.

"Well, yeah. What did you think I was doing, just going out and getting pissed?"

"Yes." Buffy held up her hands in defense at Spike's look. "Hey, you've been passed out drunk almost every time I've seen you. What was I supposed to think?"

"That's where you meet the bands, pet. In bars."

"How classy." Buffy regarded Spike for a moment. So he was a deadbeat, but maybe he wasn't quite as much of a deadbeat as she had thought he was. "You said there was food?"

"Nothing fancy like. But there's stuff in there. Help yourself."

Buffy gave him a little smile and went into the kitchen. She opened the pantry and took out a can of soup. Spike followed her in, watching as she stood up on tiptoe to get a pot from the cabinet over the stove. Spike frowned as he watched her shirt ride up. He could see her ribcage and her stomach was concave.

"You don't eat much, do you?" he asked.

"I'm not anorexic," Buffy snapped, putting the pot on the stove and dumping in the can of soup.

Spike opened the fridge, taking out mayonnaise and lunchmeat. "I didn't say you were. You're just…really skinny."

"There something wrong with that?" Buffy asked, stirring the soup.

"There is if you're starving."

"I'm not starving. I mean yeah, sometimes I can't exactly afford three square meals a day, but I'm far from starving. And furthermore—mind your own business."

Spike's lips formed a straight line as he worked on fixing sandwiches. She was right—it wasn't his business. If the bint wanted to starve herself, he certainly didn't care. Still, he fixed lunch for her as well.

Buffy sat across from Spike at the table, glancing awkwardly between him and the food. "Thank you for this," she said.

"It's the least I could do," Spike said with a shrug. "I don't have enough quid to pitch in with the rent right now, but I can help with the groceries."

Buffy took a bite of her sandwich and swallowed. "I sort of assumed you'd be mooching."

"Appearances aside, I do have a bit of honor," Spike said, slightly offended. "I'm not a complete and total wanker."

"Not a total wanker. Got it."

"So what's your story anyway?" Spike asked. "Last time I saw you, you were all feisty and blonde. Now you're…not."

"It's none of your business," Buffy replied.

"Some boy done you wrong?"

"I said it was none of your business!" Buffy snapped.

Spike raised an eyebrow. "Right. I won't ask again then."

"Good."

They were both silent for the rest of the meal.

*** *** ***

Sorry for the delay in updates. I was out of town for Christmas, and then I had company. But I should be able to return to a more regular posting schedule now.

Just to alleviate any fears, I know I brought Harmony and Riley into the story, but this is still a Spuffy fic. Yes, I'm going to have a bit with them in order to add a bit more tension, but Spike and Buffy are the couple for this fic. And just to let you know, I find Riley really icky and try to have as little of him as possible…

Thanks for all the reviews you've left so far. Keep leaving them, and I'll keep writing. :)
Chapter Four by Addie Logan
"Miss Summers, may I speak with you?"

Buffy turned around before walking through the classroom door, going back towards the desk at the front of the room. "Yes, Professor Walsh?"

"I noticed you nodding off in class today."

"I'm sorry," Buffy replied. "I was trying to stay awake, my eyes just kept shutting on their own."

"So my class is boring then?"

"No! It's not that at all! It's just…"

"I don't want to hear any excuses, Miss Summers. I also want to say that I have already glanced at the paper you turned in Monday, and I am severely disappointed. It is not the quality I would expect from someone who has selected psychology as her major."

"I know it wasn't my best, but…"

"Everything you do in here should be your best."

"I realize that, but things have just been really hard lately, and…"

"School should be your top priority. If it's not…well, some people are cut out for college, and some people aren't."

Buffy blinked back tears. "I really am trying…"

"Try a little harder. That will be all, Miss Summers."

Buffy nodded and walked out of the classroom. She felt her eyes burning, as she fought not to cry. She'd heard from some of the other students that Walsh could be a real bitch, but she hadn't expected that. And what if the professor was right?

"Buffy, are you okay?"

Buffy looked up, smiling at Tara for only a moment before the tears came. "No."

Tara hugged her, patting her back. "What happened?"

"I'm not cut out for college," Buffy whimpered.

"Huh?"

Buffy pulled back, wiping at her eyes. "I just had a talk with one of my professors. She said my paper sucked and maybe I wasn't 'cut out' for college."

"Buffy, that is not true," Tara said. "That woman doesn't know what she's talking about."

"She might…"

"No, she doesn't." Tara put her arm around Buffy. "I was about to meet Willow and Xander for coffee. Wanna come?"

Buffy nodded. "I was going to go to the library and catch up on my reading, but I don't think I'm in the right frame of mind right now."

"Well then let's get you all caffined-up." Tara said with a smile.

Buffy smiled back as she walked with Tara down the hall.

*** *** ***

"The bitch actually said that? Man what a…well, bitch," Xander said after Buffy had related her encounter with Professor Walsh to her friends.

"Don't listen to her, Buffy," Willow said, sipping her mocha latte. "She doesn't know what she's talking about. You're a very dedicated student."

"Yeah. Most people who take on as much as you do would probably be insane by now," Xander said. "And you haven't, so you've got sanity going for you at least."

Buffy smirked. "Thanks guys. It's nice to know I have people in my corner."

"You've always got us, Buffy," Tara said. "You don't have to feel like you're alone or anything."

"I know. And I'm grateful for that." She nudged Xander, who was seated beside her. "If it wasn't for you guys I probably would be in a mental institution."

"So how's the roommate situation coming?" Willow asked.

"Not quite as bad as I thought," Buffy said. "Granted, he spends most of the day passed out drunk on the couch and Sunday there was some skanky girl in my bathroom, but he also went grocery shopping, so it's not all of the bad."

"Has he found any other possible places to live yet?" Xander asked.

"No. I don't think he's looking. He's trying to find a band to play with right now."

"Any prospects on that?" Tara asked.

"He thinks so. Some band with a funny name. Wolves Ate My Toddler or something."

"Dingoes Ate My Baby," Willow said softly.

"You know them?" Buffy asked.

"Remember the other day when I said I used to date a bassist?"

"Yeah."

"That's his band."

"Oh."

The table grew silent for a while, and Buffy glanced over at Tara, watching as the woman shifted uncomfortably. "So, anything else interesting going on?" Buffy asked, wanting to change the subject.

"We got a kitten," Willow said, grateful for Buffy's topic switch. "Tara and me. For our apartment." Willow reached out and gave Tara's hand a squeeze.

"Ooh, kittens are cute," Buffy said. "What did you name it?"

"Right now we're calling her Miss Kitty Fantastico," Willow replied.

"That's a mouthful," Xander said.

"We shorten it to Miss Kitty most of the time," Tara said, her hand still gripping Willow's.

"Well, she sounds adorable," Buffy said. "I'll have to come by some time and see her."

"Willow and I were talking about having you guys over for dinner some time," Tara said. "Is there any time coming up that would be good for you, Buffy?"

"I'm off from both jobs next Monday. Would that work?"

"Sounds good to me," Willow said. "How about you, Xander—could you come?"

"Free food? Count me in."

"Great," Willow replied. "Hey, Buffy, maybe you could bring that mother's-husband's-son of yours. I'm sort of curious to meet him."

"Me, too," Xander said. "See what sort of guy this is staying with you, Buffster."

"I'll ask him," Buffy said with a frown. "But he'll probably just say no anyway. We've had all of about five conversations since he moved in, and those weren't even real conversations. Just small talk here and there."

Willow shrugged. "Well, just ask him. If you want to, of course. If he's totally horrible, we'll sic Miss Kitty on him. Granted, we haven't seen how she does against a human yet, but she's vicious when it comes to a ball of yarn."

Buffy chuckled. "I'll keep that in mind."

*** *** ***

Buffy groaned as she saw Percy walk out of his apartment. He was not high on her list of people she felt like dealing with at the moment. Or ever for that matter.

"Um, hey, Buffy."

"Hello, Percy," Buffy replied. Something was different about him. He was being nice—and was that fear in his eyes?

"I just wanted to say that I'm really sorry about the music. I'll be sure to keep it down from now on."

Buffy blinked. "Um, okay, thanks."

"As a matter of fact, I'm getting rid of my subwoofer. So you can tell your roommate that, too. I won't be bothering either one of you. Okay, well, see you." Percy ran back into his apartment, shutting and locking the door.

Buffy went into her own apartment, finding Spike sitting on the couch watching television. "The strangest thing just happened to me," she said, setting her bookbag on the table.

"Oh? What would that be?" Spike asked, looking over at her.

"My neighbor who has been a total asshole since he moved in, just came and not only apologized for his previous behavior, but also said he'd keep his music down from now on. You wouldn't happen to know anything about that, would you?"

"Oh, yeah. Percy. We had a nice little chat this morning."

"What brought that on?"

"I was hung over. He was loud. I showed him the error of his ways."

"Well, um, thanks."

"Didn't do it for you. I had a bloody migraine, and that shite he calls music was not helping. So how was school?"

Buffy sat beside him on the couch. "Awful. One of my professors lambasted me for not being dedicated enough to college."

"What? You? Bloody hell, all I ever see you do is school and work. You're the most serious person I've ever met. A bit too serious if you ask me."

"Yeah, well, apparently it's not enough for Professor Walsh. I kept nodding off in class today, probably because I've worked until after midnight for the past two days. Oh, and the paper I turned in Monday—crap."

"Are you working tonight?"

"No, thank god. I had to work a shift at the bakery before my first class, so I'm completely wiped."

"How much sleep did you get last night?"

Buffy shrugged. "Two hours. Maybe three."

Spike frowned. "Hey, why don't you go take a bath, soak out some of those kinks from the day, and I'll make us dinner."

"You can cook? You know, more than sandwiches."

"Yes. I'm a man of many talents. Now go, relax."

Despite the fact it felt weird to have Spike doing anything to help her, Buffy didn't want to pass up this opportunity. She gave him a smile before going to take a bath.

*** *** ***

Spike turned when he heard the bathroom door open. Buffy wore an old football jersey, although Spike could tell when she moved that she had a pair of shorts under it. Her hair was freshly dried, and even with the dark circles under her eyes, he thought she was beautiful. "Dinner's almost ready, pet. Have a seat."

Buffy did as he said, and a few minutes later, Spike set a plate of pasta and chicken with a white cream sauce in front of her. "Try it," Spike said. "Tell me what you think."

Buffy tried the pasta, her eyes widening a little as she did. "This is really good," she said after she swallowed. "I mean, no offense, but I sort of figured you'd be the type who'd burn water."

Spike chuckled, fixing himself a plate and sitting down across from her. "It's all right. I give off that sort of a vibe."

"So what, the leather and the metal jewelry is just a front?'

Spike winked. "Wouldn't you like to know."

Buffy blushed a little, twirling her pasta around her fork. "So, how did you manage to learn how to cook at least one thing?"

"I can cook more than this," Spike said. "And I guess from taking care of Dru. Had to make sure she ate."

"Dru?"

"Drusilla. My ex."

"Oh. Right. I think I heard Giles talking about her a few times."

"Probably about how she'd lead me astray, and how it was her fault I ruined my life," Spike said, poking at a bit of chicken. "I half expected him to gloat when I showed up in California. But I don't regret it, you know. Don't regret anything with her, not even the bad. I loved her. Probably still do."

"What happened?"

Spike shrugged. "She's crazy. Literally. Completely bug-shagging crazy. Used to talk to her little porcelain dolls, say they were tellin' her to do things. Got so bad for a while that I had to take care of her almost entirely. She could barely even get from one room in the flat to the other."

"That sounds like, well, like it would've been a lot of work for you."

"I didn't mind it. She was my dark princess. I'd do anything for her." Spike chuckled bitterly. "Guess the joke was on me in the end. She found someone else, decided she didn't need me anymore. Some bloke who played a soddin' reindeer in this Christmas play. When I met him, he had fiberglass antlers stuck to his head. And hooves. Bleedin' hooves. Do you know how humiliating it is to get dumped for a guy with antlers?"

"I can imagine it would be pretty humiliating," Buffy replied.

"But I'm better now. Picking up the pieces of me life. And I certainly don't need her. More pasta?"

"No, I'm good. Thanks." Buffy watched Spike for a moment, realizing she was seeing a different side to him. Since she'd met him at her mother's wedding five years ago, she'd thought of him as being callous and self-absorbed, caring about no one but himself. But now, after hearing that he served as caretaker to an insane woman out of love… "Hey, um, my friends Willow and Tara invited me over to their apartment for dinner Monday. Would you like to come?"

"You'd be willing to let me around your friends? I don't know whether to be touched or just think you really hate them."

"Ha ha. I don't hate them. And besides, they want to meet you."

Spike raised an eyebrow. "What, to put a face to the wanker they've heard so much about?"

"I've said good things about you!" Spike looked at her incredulously. "Okay, only a few. But I have said some."

"All right. I'll meet your friends. I guess I have to do something other than sit around getting drunk every night."

"Great," Buffy said with a smile before turning back to her dinner.

*** *** ***

In response to a few reviews I've gotten—I know things are moving slowly, and that several things are unclear concerning Buffy's past. I said in the beginning that this was going to be a long one, and I meant it. I'll reveal everything eventually, and Spike and Buffy's relationship will evolve. I just ask that you trust me, and let me move the story at my own pace. Thanks!

And as always, remember to review. :)
Chapter Five by Addie Logan
"You've forgone the safety pins, I see."

Spike shrugged. "Didn't want to ruin the evening by stabbing one of your mates."

"I appreciate your consideration," Buffy replied with a smirk. She looked over Spike's outfit, noting that he had indeed tweaked his look, replacing his normal ripped clothes and pointy jewelry with black jeans and a red button-down shirt. "You clean up well."

"I do, don't I? Ready to admit what a handsome bloke I am?"

"A bit full of yourself, aren't you?" Spike smiled at her, and Buffy smiled back. Since dinner the other night, she'd relaxed around him, deciding that maybe he wasn't the most horrible roommate she could possibly have.

"Ready to go then, pet?"

"Are you going to behave yourself?"

"Oi! I wore the decent clothes, didn't I?"

"Could just be part of an elaborate plot to lull me into a false sense of security."

"Door. Out. Now."

Buffy smiled at him again before leaving the apartment, Spike trailing behind her.

*** *** ***

"And you must be Spike," Willow said as she opened the door.

Spike nodded. "And you're…Willow?"

"Yep." Buffy and Spike came into the apartment, and Willow shut the door, then gestured to the brunette sitting on the couch. "That's Tara."

"Hi," Tara said with a small wave.

Spike nodded again in response. "Nice to meet you both."

"Is Xander here yet?" Buffy asked.

"He's in the kitchen," Willow replied.

"Alone?"

"Yes."

"You left him alone with the food?!" Buffy playfully slapped her friend on the shoulder. "What were you thinking?"

"I'm not sure," Willow replied with a laugh. "Better go check on dinner—make sure we still have one."

As Willow went back to the kitchen, Buffy joined Tara on the couch. Spike sat in a chair across from them. "How do you like New York?" Tara asked Spike.

"Like it more than California. Too hot there for a London boy such as myself."

Before anyone could say anything else, there was a knock on the door. Tara stood to answer it. "Is someone else supposed to show up?" Buffy asked.

"Anya," Tara replied.

"Willow invited Anya?"

"Actually, I did. I know she has a crush on Xander, and I thought it would be a good time for them to get to know each other. Willow was less than thrilled, but I think they'd make a cute couple." Tara smiled a little before going to the door. As soon as Anya was inside, she asked about Xander.

Buffy leaned over, whispering to Spike. "Anya's my manager at the bakery. She's a little blunt, but she grows on you."

Tara offered to get Xander from the kitchen, and Anya sat on the couch. "Hello Buffy and an extremely blond man I don't know," Anya said.

"Hi, Anya," Buffy replied. "This is Spike."

"Oh, right. Your mother's husband's son. The one who's been staying at your apartment even though you don't want him around. Nice to meet you, Spike."

Buffy reddened despite Spike's chuckle. "Heard you were blunt," Spike said with a grin. "Nice to meet you, too, Anya."

"I believe in always saying what's on your mind. Ooh—there's Xander." Anya got up, ambushing Xander as soon as he left the kitchen.

"That was when you were first here," Buffy said. "I haven't said anything bad about you in…at least a good three or four days."

Spike reached over, patting Buffy's knee. "Don't worry about it. I haven't had all nice things to say about you either."

"Gee, thanks."

"But I think you're all right now. Not nearly as bitchy as I remember you being at the wedding."

"Yeah, like you were Mister Sunshine."

"Look, Buffy, I didn't much care for the fact that my da could love anyone but my mum. I acted like a wanker, I know, but I couldn't see how he could be over her death when I wasn't. I'm sorry. Joyce is a real nice lady, and I do regret being rude to her then."

Buffy blinked. She hadn't thought about it that way then, her sixteen year old existence too untouched by tragedy for her to even being to comprehend what Spike had been going through. Things were different now. "I…I don't think he really got over it either." She reached up, fingering the ring still hanging on a chain beneath her blouse. "You don't get over losing the person you love like that. You…you learn to move on. You have to keep on living, or you'll just lie down and wait until you can join them."

Spike looked at her for a moment as another clue to the mystery of what had changed her so much in five years clicked into place. "Buffy, I…"

Buffy held up her hand. "Don't. I've dealt with it, and I don't want to talk about it."

Spike didn't point out that she certainly didn't seem like she'd dealt with it. He knew prying now wouldn't get him anywhere, and he contemplated for a second calling Dawn and asking her what had happened to her sister in order to satisfy his curiosity, but decided that would be an invasion of Buffy's privacy, and a possible hindrance to the tentative friendship they had been developing should she find out. "Right then."

"So is this the Spike I've heard so much about?"

Buffy and Spike both turned to see Xander standing by the couch, Anya not far from his side. "Yeah, that would be me. And you're Xander, I assume."

The two men shared a look for a moment before Xander shrugged. "Nice not to be the only one in the place without an abundance of estrogen, I suppose." Xander sat next to Buffy, smiling, but still eyeing Spike warily.

"Dunno. I've always rather enjoyed being the only rooster in the hen house." He winked and Anya, making her blush, and Xander sit up a little straighter and glance over at the blonde woman. Spike suppressed a chuckle. Apparently Anya's crush wasn't one-sided…

Tara peeked out of the kitchen then, clearing her throat to get the attention of the people in the living room. "Willow's putting food on the table if anyone wants to eat it."

*** *** ***

Later in the evening, Spike surprised Buffy by agreeing to go with Xander on a beer run. She'd almost said she should go, too, but Anya had whispered, "Let them go. They want time alone to size each other up. It's a man thing."

Buffy soon found herself alone on the couch with Anya as Tara and Willow put the food away, refusing any help from their guests. "He's pretty hot," Anya said, inspecting her nails.

"Xander?" Buffy asked, confused.

"No. Well, Xander's hot, but that's not who I meant. Spike."

"Oh. Yeah, I guess he's okay."

"If I were you, I'd be all over him. It's obvious he wants you."

"Huh?" Buffy's eyes bulged a bit, and she stared at Anya, slack-jawed for a moment. "No, Spike doesn't want me! Are you insane?"

"Please, Buffy. If there are two things in this world I know anything about they're money and men. Spike, falling into the category of 'men,' is fairly easy to interpret. He was watching you the entire meal with that look they get when they want you to give them orgasms."

Buffy's face felt warm as she blushed deeply. "You've got to be reading him wrong, Anya. He's not even remotely interested in me. It doesn't even make any sense that he would be."

"Oh please. It would make less sense if he wasn't. You're an attractive woman, and you're living in close quarters. That's sex waiting to happen."

"But that's…it's…we're practically related!"

"But you're not. You're not even as close to family as Greg and Marsha Brady, and you know they were up to all sorts of things."

"No! And they weren't either. The Brady family was wholesome." Buffy crossed her arms in front of her.

"Oh please. Put that many teens in a house, and someone's having sex. But that's not really the point here."

"What exactly is your point, Anya?"

"That you should go for it with Spike, of course. It would be a shame to pass up a chance with someone that fine."

"A world of no. Spike and I are much better just being roommates. Sex would only…complicate things at best."

Anya shrugged. "Suit yourself. But if you ask me, you're passing up a wonderful opportunity. Anyone with that build has to be worth it."

Buffy raised an eyebrow. "He's kinda skinny."

"Don't you know what they say about skinny guys?" Buffy looked blankly at Anya, who rolled her eyes. "Apparently not. Just trust me then—he'd be worth it. And the way he does that little curl thing with his tongue…"

"If he's such a catch, why don't you go after him?" Buffy was surprised as her inner voice screamed "No!" at the thought of Anya and Spike, but she pushed it down.

"No, I'll pass. I have my eye set on someone else."

"Xander?"

"Well, yeah. I'm making my move tonight. I'm sick of waiting for him. It's tiresome, and a waste of time that we could be spending having sex."

"Good luck with that," Buffy replied. She felt relief that Anya didn't seem to want Spike, but ignored that, too.

"Thanks. I'll let you know how it goes tomorrow at work."

Buffy smirked. She knew she would.

*** *** ***

"I like your friends."

Buffy looked up, slightly startled as she head Spike speak. She closed the door to their apartment, crossing the kitchen to sit on the couch as he turned on the floor lamp in the living room. "They seemed to like you, too. Anya especially." She added the last part as almost a mutter.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah." Buffy looked up, studying his face to see how he'd react. "She thinks you're hot."

Spike chuckled. "'Course she does. I am. Noticed she went home with Xander. Bet he's happy, seeing as she's all he talked about when we ducked out for a bit. I'm getting a beer—you want anything from the kitchen?"

"No, I'm fine."

Buffy toed off her shoes and leaned against the back of the couch. She felt satisfied by Spike's seeming disinterest in Anya, but as was becoming her pattern, she chose not to analyze it. "Have you seen anymore of that Harmony girl?"

"A little," Spike replied, coming back over to the couch and sitting down. He took a drink from his beer bottle. "She follows the Dingoes wherever they play. Oz says it's a new development, so she's probably hoping to run into me."

"You haven't brought her back here again."

"You asked me not to."

"But you haven't spent the night anywhere else either."

"You don't have to spend the whole night with someone, pet."

Buffy frowned at the thoughts that statement brought to her mind. The idea of Spike have brief encounters with Harmony disturbed her even more than when she'd known they'd spent the night together on her couch. Something about the whole arrangement seemed cheap to her, and she didn't like the thought of Spike in that sort of relationship. She reminded herself it wasn't any of her business. "I'm tired," she announced, standing up. "Thanks for coming out with me tonight."

"Thanks for wanting me along."

Buffy gave him a brief smile and went into her room, shutting the door.

*** *** ***

When Buffy went into the kitchen the next morning, she noticed the beer Spike had had when they'd gotten home that night had not been his only one. Four empty bottles stood by the microwave. She gathered them up, dumping them in the bag that held the recyclables, the glass clinking against the others that were already in there.

Buffy ran her fingers through her hair, grateful that the only thing she had besides class today was a short afternoon shift at the bakery. The thought of hearing about the sexploits of Xander and Anya didn't thrill her, although she had to admit she was vaguely curious as to how their night went—only not once things got sweaty. That she found more disturbing than anything else.

She glanced back at the couch where Spike was asleep and thought back to what Anya had said the night before. Buffy had dismissed the thought of Spike being attracted to her outright then, but now she found herself wondering if maybe Anya's observations held more merit than Buffy had given them. Was it possible Spike actually was attracted to her?

Buffy shook her head, dismissing that possibility again. Spike didn't want her—a fact for which she was glad. If he liked women like that Harmony, then Buffy wasn't even his type. And she didn't want to be. She wasn't attracted to Spike, she was sure. And even if she was—which she wasn't, she told herself firmly—then any sort of relationship would still be a bad idea. Sex would only complicate things, and any attraction between them would fizzle quickly. Then things would be awkward, to say the least.

No, there wouldn't be anything between them. Buffy made up her mind on that. Anya could think whatever she wanted, but Buffy was set on keeping things between her and her roommate strictly platonic.

With that resolution, Buffy went into the bathroom to get ready for class.

*** *** ***

I know reviews have been sparse on this, but I'm really, really busy. I have a job and five college classes, so fanfic can't be my top priority. I know you guys want updates, and I wish I had the time to make them more regular, but I just don't. No amount of telling me my updates are too slow is going to lighten my work load and give me more time for writing. Sorry about that. But I will work on this and my other fics as often as I can, so don't think I'm neglecting my writing. I just have other things in my life that have to be my priority. And it won't be months and months between posts or anything like that, so don't worry. At the most, it'll be a couple of weeks, and I'll do my best to make that shorter.

Review please!
Chapter Six by Addie Logan
Spike had been out when Buffy returned from school that day, and when he got home, he found her sitting on the couch, staring at the wall. Her face was red and splotchy, making it obvious that she had been crying.

"Are you all right, pet?" Spike asked, walking over and sitting beside her.

Buffy wiped at her eyes, trying to smile. "I'm fine."

"You don't look fine. Wanna talk?"

"You don't want to hear about my problems, Spike."

"Sure I do. And it helps to talk things out, you know."

Buffy looked at him, the softness and concern on his face making her want to open up to him, even if it was just a little. She'd always held things in, tried to make herself be strong, but at the moment, she wanted to be vulnerable. "It's not even really my problem, I guess. I just…Mom just called."

Spike frowned. "You two had a falling out at some point, didn't you?"

"Yes, but that's not what this was about. She just called to tell me that my best friend from junior high and part of high school got sentenced to life in prison today. I haven't really spoken to her since, well, pretty much since she started on the path that led her to prison, but…she used to be my closest friend, you know? We were like sisters. To think about her now, rotting away in some jail cell—even if she did kill a guy—is hard."

"Your mum say what happened?"

"Yeah. There was this guy she started hanging with in high school. He was older than her by a lot, and everyone thought they were having some sort of illicit affair. She already had a rep for being, um, less than chaste. But I don't think they were. She told me it wasn't like that, and I believed her. Her parents were horrible, and she was just so desperate to have some sort of parental love in life that she looked past what a sleezeball this guy was. I remember one time when we were first friends, she spent the night at my house. My mom came in to say goodnight, and she hugged both of us. When she hugged Faith, well, she held my mom so tight that for a moment I didn't think she was going to let her go. Even then as a kid, when I didn't really understand how rough things were for her at home, that made my heart hurt for her. She was desperate just to have some hug her, to show even that much affection."

Spike had taken her hand while Buffy was talking, noting that it was shaking. Buffy didn't pull away. "This bloke she fell in with—he the one she killed?"

Buffy shook her head. "No. According to the news, it was for him though. He'd gotten into some sort of trouble, and someone was going to turn him into the cops. Faith killed the guy before he could say anything. Wilkins—the bastard—of course went and said that he had nothing to do with it, and that Faith was just a 'very unstable girl.' Tried to pretend that she had some freaky obsession with him, and that he barely even knew her. But then when the truth started coming out, he disappeared—probably left the country. He was everything to her—she killed for him—and he just threw her to the wolves."

Spike rubbed her hand soothingly, and Buffy had the sudden urge to curl up in his arms and beg him to make all the hurting stop. The gentleness in his eyes made her believe for a moment that he could. But she pushed the thought away as foolish. "You know what really gets me?" Buffy said after being quiet for a moment. "I feel like I could've helped her. That I should've paid more attention to her spiraling downward in high school. That maybe if I'd been less caught up in my own drama-rama I could've saved her."

"Sometimes you can't save people, Buffy. No matter how hard you try or what you do, some people are just going to keep going down that self-destructive past."

"Why?" Buffy asked, the tears coming again. "Why can't I save the people I love? Why do I just get them killed instead?"

"Get who killed? This Faith girl isn't dead, is she?"

Buffy paled and snatched her hand away from Spike. "I didn't say anything about anyone dying."

"Um, yes you did, pet. You said 'Why do I just get them killed instead?'"

Buffy pulled her knees up to her chest. "I don't want to talk about this anymore."

"Buffy, you need to…"

"No! God, I've done the talking, and the therapy, and none of it fucking helped, all right! So why don't you just mind your own damn business!" Buffy got up and went into her bedroom, slamming the door and leaving a stunned Spike on the couch.

*** *** ***

Several hours later, Buffy reemerged from her room. Spike could tell that she'd been crying for probably the whole time she'd been in there, and he couldn't bring himself to be upset at her for her earlier outburst.

"I tried to kill myself."

Spike looked up sharply. "What? Now?!"

Buffy giggled, although it sounded almost hysterical. "No. After…after graduation. You mentioned earlier about my mom and me having a 'falling out.' That was why. I tried to kill myself, and she sent me to a mental institution. I was there for about a month, and then I came here and went to school. Sorry for my freak attack earlier, but I guess all of this just stirred some stuff up. You're not mad at me, are you?"

Spike tried to absorb what she'd just told him. He'd known she had some badness in her past, but he wasn't quite expecting that. And to top it off, he had a feeling that what she'd just told him was only scratching the surface. "No, kitten, I'm not mad."

Buffy smiled, a little too brightly. "Great. Hey, I'm starved, and I really don't feel like cooking. There's a great pizza place nearby that delivers. Wanna splurge a bit?"

"Buffy…"

"Spike, really, I'm fine. I just want pizza, okay?"

Spike knew that pushing her anymore tonight wouldn't be a good idea. He'd known that Buffy was emotionally fragile despite her attempts to convince the world around her otherwise, but now he realized more to what extent that fragility went. And if there'd been a suicide attempt, well, trying to force things out of her probably wouldn't be a good idea. "Pizza it is then. My treat."

"You don't have to…"

"I know, but I want to." Spike gave her a grin that made Buffy forget for a moment that she'd even been depressed. "So, Miss Summers, what do you like on your pizza?"

*** *** ***

Buffy and Spike sat on the floor of the living room, the mostly-empty pizza box between them. "So," Buffy asked, wiping grease off her fingers with a napkin, "How exactly did you end up with a nickname like Spike anyway?"

Spike swallowed the bite of pizza he'd been chewing. "Oh, that. From torturing my victims with railroad spikes," he replied casually.

Buffy gaped for a moment. "You are kidding, right?"

Spike did his best evil smirk. "Would you sleep better with me in the apartment if I said yes?"

Buffy rolled her eyes. "You are such a freak. And you're not going to tell me about the nickname are you?"

"Nope."

"Jerk," Buffy muttered, reaching for another slice.

"Oi! Heard that."

"I meant you to." Spike's napkin flew from his hand across to her, bumping lightly against her forehead before tumbling to the ground. "Hey! I upgrade that jerk to a, um, super jerk." Spike raised an eyebrow, and Buffy couldn't help but start laughing.

Spike smiled, loving the way she sounded when she laughed. It was a sound he rarely heard, and it was beautiful. "Think you could hand me my napkin back?" he asked.

"No way. This thing is a weapon in your hands, mister," Buffy replied, wagging the rumpled paper napkin at him.

"Fine," Spike said with a shrug. "I'll just wipe my hands on your carpet."

"Oh no you don't!" Buffy replied, throwing the napkin back at him. "There. Just greasy hands off the carpet."

They went back to their dinner, and after a moment, Buffy put her half-eaten pizza slice on her plate, her mood obviously becoming somber again as she picked at the toppings. "Something wrong?" Spike asked.

"I…I was thinking about Faith," Buffy said. "She doesn't get to do this anymore. She's in a cell right now, all alone in the world. She can't sit with a friend and eat pizza and goof off. Even if she manages to make parole in who knows how many years, she'll never be the same. Her life is ruined. Forever."

"That isn't your fault. There's nothing you could've done. Nothing. You didn't force her to listen to that guy, and you certainly didn't put the weapon in her hand and set her off to kill anyone."

"It's just, well, what if I had done things differently? What if I gotten my mom to let her stay with us, given her a chance at a normal life? Would she be in prison right now? Or would she be here with us, laughing, too?"

"You can't beat yourself up over the past, Buffy. It's useless—nothing about it will ever change. Just wasted energy."

"But what if there's something in your past so bad that you can't help but beat yourself up over it, Spike? Then what? What if there's something so horrible there that it tears at you constantly, shadowing everything you do until you just can't stand it anymore? How can you live with that?"

"This isn't just about Faith, is it?"

Buffy stood up. "I'm going to bed. Can you clean up?"

"Buffy…"

Buffy didn't listen to him, only going into her room, shutting him out again. Spike sighed and started cleaning up what was left from dinner.

*** *** ***

He could hear her crying. It was soft, muffled, but he could hear it nonetheless. Spike sat on the couch, willing himself not to go to Buffy. She obviously didn't want him coming into that part of her life, despite the small bit of opening up she'd done.

As the sound of her tears got louder, Spike couldn't take it anymore. He went into her room without a word, getting into the bed with her and wrapping his arms around her. Buffy stiffened for only a moment before she let herself be held, sobbing against Spike's chest. He smoothed her hair, murmuring soft words to her until the tears died down and she fell asleep in his arms.

*** *** ***

Spike woke when he felt Buffy scrambling to get out of his embrace. She sat up, a wild look on her face, and he wondered for a moment if she was going to hit him. But then realization seemed to set in, and she relaxed a little. "Didn't expect to wake up next to you," she said. "Made me a little…disoriented."

"I noticed," Spike replied, sitting up as well. He tried to push down his hair, knowing it had to be a mess.

Buffy's tongue darted out to lick her lips as she saw him run his fingers though his sexy, tousled curls. She shook her head, pushing those thoughts back to the part of her mind marked "denial" where she had decided to keep them. "I'm really sorry about last night, Spike. I don't know what got into me."

"Your friend got sentenced to life in prison, Buffy. That entitles you to a little bit of freaking out." Spike gave her a soft smile.

"Still… Thank you for being so nice to me—and for helping me fall asleep. You didn't have to do that."

"Sure I did. What sort of friend would I be if I just left you in here by yourself to cry all night?"

Buffy smiled, looking down to escape the intensity of his eyes. "I…I know I was a bitch at first, but I'm glad you're here, Spike. And not just because I have groceries now."

"Even if all I was to you was a little more money coming in, I'd be happy to be that. And hey, I found out yesterday that Devon is officially out of the Dingoes, and I'm officially in, so I should be able to help out more with the bills now. They get booked fairly regularly."

"That's great!" Buffy said, looking back up at him. "And not just the bills thing, although yeah, that's gonna be nice, but that you found a band to play with."

"Yeah, I'm happy about it. And they're willing to look at some of my songs and think about adding them to their shows, so that's a plus for me, too."

"You write songs?"

To Buffy's surprise, Spike blushed slightly. "Some. I…I could use a lot of work on them, but some are decent."

"I'm sure they're better than decent," Buffy said, playfully slapping his arm. "Think maybe you could play some of them for me sometime?"

"Maybe," Spike said.

"What, so you're willing to play them in front of a room full of strangers, but not me?"

"Exactly. Your opinion means much more to me than a stranger's."

"It does?"

"Well, yeah. I care what you think."

Buffy looked at him for a moment, wondering when exactly he'd gone from someone she barely tolerated to a friend. He'd shown her a softness below all his tough-guy exterior, and she'd found it impossible not to warm up to him. She glanced over at the clock, frowning at the time. "Dammit, I missed my first class."

"You probably needed the sleep," Spike said. "I wouldn't worry about it too much."

"Yeah, but it was with Walsh, the bitch professor from hell." Buffy sighed. "I better get ready before I miss the next one, too."

"You sure you're up to it?"

Buffy forced a smile. "I'm fine, really. Yeah, hearing about Faith got me all wigged, but I'm good now."

Spike didn't believe her for a second, but he didn't want to do something that would cause another breakdown either. "All right. I'll go back to the couch and let you get ready then."

Buffy nodded. As Spike stood up, she said, "Thanks again for everything last night. That…meant a lot to me."

"Just glad I could be here," Spike replied before leaving her alone in the bedroom.

*** *** ***

Sorry this one's so short, but it was sort of draining to write. Leave me a review and let me know what's on your mind.
Chapter Seven by Addie Logan
"Wow, Buffy. That's really…well, freaky. I mean, it would freak me out if I was in your shoes," Willow said after Buffy had used a lull during work to relate to the redhead the story of Faith.

Buffy shrugged. "It's no big. I mean, I guess it is for Faith—and that guy she killed—but, I mean, I haven't seen her since she dropped out of school at the beginning of our junior year. And we hadn't really been hanging much before that either."

"Still, your former best friend going to prison…"

"She made some bad choices, and now she's dealing with the consequences," Buffy said as she grabbed a rag and stared to wipe off the counter. "But hey, on a good note, Spike hooked up with a band, so there will now be more money coming into my household."

Willow raised an eyebrow. "Spike's an official part of your household now?"

"Uh, well, it's not like his name's on the lease or anything, but he doesn't act like he's going anywhere soon. He might as well help with the paying of the bills."

"That all?" Willow nudged Buffy's arm. "I saw you two at my apartment the other night."

"That's because we were both there. If you hadn't seen us, you would've been blind."

"No, silly." Willow leaned down, whispering almost conspiratorially. "The sparkage."

Buffy's eyes widened. "Sparkage? There was no sparkage! As a matter of fact, there was the opposite of sparkage! There was negative sparkage!"

Willow held up her hands. "Fine, be denial girl if you want to be, but I saw sparkage—especially when we were eating dinner. Tara saw it, too."

"You're both insane."

The door opened, and Willow and Buffy looked up. They relaxed when they saw it wasn't a customer but Anya, who immediately came towards the counter, fixing her hair as she did. "Anya Jenkins—late? Is the world ending?" Buffy asked, grateful for the distraction from the turn her conversation with Willow had taken.

"I had car trouble," Anya replied as she came behind the counter.

"Uh, you don't have a car," Willow pointed out.

Anya rolled her eyes. "I had trouble in a car then."

"What sort of trouble?" Buffy asked.

"Okay, fine. I had sex in a car. I met Xander when he had a break between classes, and we sort of lost track of time." Anya glanced around. "Is Rat Man here?"

"Nah, Snyder hasn't shown," Buffy replied.

"We were kinda hoping he died," Willow added.

"I had a dream he was eaten by a giant snake," Buffy said perkily. "We were pulling for it to turn out to be prophetic."

"That's something even I'd willing fork over money to see," Anya said. "He drives me crazy with his inability to properly and efficiently run a money-making operation. That, and his beady little eyes disturb me. I can't wait until I have everything settled enough to start my own business."

"How are things coming with that?" Buffy asked.

"Good. I think the bank's actually going to approve my loan, and I've found a space I'll be able to afford. If everything goes smoothly, I should soon have joined the proud ranks of the American small business owners."

"And you'll remember us when you're Snyder-free, right?" Willow asked with a smile.

"Of course!" Anya replied, putting one arm around Willow and the other around Buffy. "Who would I want working for me but my two favorite girls?" Anya giggled, pulling back from them. "Well, I'm off to balance the books. Have fun selling food!" Anya went into the back office, shutting the door behind her.

"Wow, she's in a good mood," Willow said once she and Buffy were alone again. "She didn't even rant about the lack of customers in here."

"I know," Buffy replied. "Maybe she should have sex before work every day."

"With Xander and his libido, that can probably be arranged." Willow shuddered. "And I really don't want to go there."

"Neither do I, but if they're happy, I'm happy for them."

"It may not be the match I would have envisioned him making, but I like it when my friends are happily attached," Willow said, giving Buffy a pointed look.

"What? I'm happily unattached, thank you very much. Besides, it's not like I have any worthwhile prospects anyway."

"Whatever you say, oh denier of Spike sparkage. And even if he doesn't do it for you, there's still Riley. You can't tell me you haven't been at least a little tempted by his offers."

Buffy sighed. "Yeah, Riley can be rather…tempting, but I just don't know, Will. He's very nice, and I've been tempted by the nice before—it didn't end well."

"You mean Parker? That was years ago, and I know Riley can't be that much of a jerk."

"Parker and, well, other things. I had a relationship in high school that didn't end well."

Willow nodded. She knew something had happened to Buffy back in California, but she'd learned in her time as Buffy's friend not to pry. It only made Buffy shut down more. "Maybe Riley could help you move on," Willow suggested. "He really is a good guy, Buffy."

"I know, it's just… Customer!" A man walked in, and Buffy put on her best "may I help you" smile as she went over to the register, effectively putting an end to the conversation.

*** *** ***

Buffy walked straight to the couch as soon as she got home, flopping down ungracefully. "Long day?" Spike asked from beside her. Buffy grunted. "I'll take that as a yes."

"I want to curl up and sleep for a month. Ooh, maybe a year. Or better yet, maybe I can learn Rip Van Winkle's secret. God, I hate it when I'm stuck working both jobs on the same day."

"Are you hungry? There are some leftovers in the fridge I could heat up for you."

"Would you really? I'm starved."

"Sure thing, kitten. You just relax, and I'll get you all fixed up."

"I'm going to change out of this horrible uniform they make me wear, and I'll be back in a minute," Buffy said. "That is, if I can get my legs to work."

Spike stood, holding his hand out to her. "Come on, princess. To your feet."

"My painful, swollen feet," Buffy muttered, taking his hand. As Spike pulled her up, she wobbled slightly, falling forward against him. Spike slipped an arm behind her to keep her from falling backwards, too, managing to pin her against his chest in the process. Buffy stared up at him, her eyes wide. She could feel his warmth even with their clothes between them, and her heart started beating rapidly.

To either her relief or disappointment—she wasn't sure which—Spike set her upright again and let go of her. "Careful there, pet. Don't want to hurt yourself."

"It was just a little stumble. No big."

"All right then. You go change, and I'll get your dinner."

Buffy nodded and went into her room. As soon as the door was shut, Spike let out a deep breath. Two seconds of Buffy in his arms, and his nerves were going haywire. She'd looked up at him with her big green eyes, and it had taken all his willpower not to kiss her senseless. He knew he shouldn't be feeling this way towards her, but he couldn't help it. She was so strong, yet vulnerable at the same time. He wanted nothing more than to make her pain go away, to give her everything she could ever need.

"That's the same kind of thinking that got you hurt with Drusilla, mate," he muttered to himself. "You opened your heart to her, and she tore it out."

Spike rolled his eyes, realizing that Buffy not only had his emotions in a tizzy, but she was also causing him to talk to himself. He sighed and went to the fridge, pulling out the Tupperware containers with the leftovers from the meal he'd cooked earlier in the week.

*** *** ***

After dinner, Buffy and Spike returned to the couch, settling on some mindless television to watch. Spike could see the circles under her eyes, exhaustion written clearly on her features. "Feet still hurting you, luv?" he asked.

"A little," Buffy replied. "They're letting me know they did not approve of the amount of standing I did today."

Spike patted his lap. "Swing 'em up here."

"Huh?"

"Would you just trust me?"

At that, Buffy did as he asked without any further argument, and Spike took one of her feet in his hands, massaging it gently. Buffy sighed happily. "You're really good at that," she said.

"It's a useful skill," Spike replied, smiling at the look of bliss on Buffy's face. "This helping you, pet?"

"Yes. Thank you."

Spike switched to the other foot, giving it the same treatment. "I give a pretty damn good back rub, too."

"Really? I might have to take you up on that sometime."

"Anytime you want, these hands are yours."

Spike's words and the look he was giving her made Buffy's stomach flip. Why did he have to be so damn sexy? This would be so much easier on her if he looked like say, Peter Lorre. But no. He had to be gorgeous. Wait…when had she decided Spike equaled gorgeous? Buffy frowned.

"Something the matter?" Spike asked.

"No. I was just…thinking."

"This isn't making you uncomfortable, is it?"

"No, not at all," Buffy replied. And honestly, it wasn't. The problem was it was making her a little too comfortable.

After a moment, Spike stopped. "Better now?"

"Very. Thanks."

"Just glad I could help."

Buffy moved her feet off Spike's lap, noticing how much better they really did feel. The thought "magic hands" went through her mind before an image of what other "magic" they could be capable of flashed through her mind, and she had to look down to hide her blush. She couldn't believe she was having these thoughts about Spike. She decided to blame Willow and her damn "sparkage" claims. It was just her mind reacting to that conversation. Nothing more.

Spike stretched his arms up, resting his hands behind his head as he watching the television. His new position pulled his shirt taut over his chest, and Buffy could see each one of his muscles clearly defined. Her mouth went dry as her fingers itched to touch him.

This was bad, Buffy decided. Very, very bad. She stood up, forcing a yawn. "Well, I'm beat. See you in the morning."

"Rushing off so soon?"

"It's late. I have to work tomorrow. Have a good night, Spike."

"Sleep well, Buffy."

Buffy gave him a nod and practically ran into her room. As soon as she was safely inside, she sat on her bed, taking a deep breath. She forced herself to calm down, reminding herself that it was just Spike. No need to get worked up.

She turned off the light and got under the covers, fighting her thoughts until she finally went to sleep.

*** *** ***

The sounds coming from Buffy's room were soft, but Spike knew they were what had woken him. He went to the door, opening it slowly and peaking in. Light trickled in from a streetlamp outside the window, and he could see the tears streaming down Buffy's cheeks as she tossed and whimpered in her sleep.

Spike went to the bed, sitting on the edge and shaking her gently. When she didn't wake, he pulled her up so she was sitting, his hands on her shoulders. Buffy's eyes snapped open, her look wild and confused. She blinked as she became aware of her surroundings. "Sp…Spike?"

"Yeah. You were having a bad dream, pet."

Buffy sniffled. "It wasn't just a dream," she said softly. "It…it…" He voice trailed off as she began to cry again, slumping forward on Spike's chest.

Spike held her loosely against him, rubbing her back as he whispered softly against her ear. When the sobs wracking her tiny body finally subsided, her lowered her back down to the bed, tucking the blankets around her. "Are you going to be okay, luv?" he asked, wiping her tears away with his thumb.

"I…I don't know." Her voice was small and scared, and Spike wanted more than anything to be able to take her pain away, whatever was causing it. "Could you maybe hold me? Like you did last night?"

"Of course, Buffy. Whatever you need." Spike got into bed next to her, opening his arms to her. Buffy moved into his embrace without hesitation, burying her face against his chest as she cried. Spike held her tightly, trying to be strong for her when she felt weak. "I'm here, Buffy," he said softly, pressing gentle kisses into her hair. "You don't have to be alone anymore."

Buffy shook at his words, her grip around him tightening. "It…it hurts so much," she said. "So much…"

"I know, luv. I know. Let it all out. I won't let you go."

Buffy did as he told her to, crying against him until she was too tired to cry anymore. Still clinging to him, she fell asleep.

*** *** ***

If you're reading this, please review. It would be very much appreciated. Thanks to everyone who has reviewed so far!
Chapter Eight by Addie Logan
Buffy didn't know when sleeping next to Spike had become a habit, didn't know when it had become simply an assumption that he would share her bed at night. He'd climb in beside her without a word spoken between them, and she'd let herself be drawn into his arms. If he was out playing with the band when she went to bed, she could only manage at best an uneasy sleep—until he joined her again. Then she could sleep soundly, the tears and nightmares melting away in his soothing embrace.

She wasn't sure when it had started, but she knew when she noticed it. Buffy woke one work-free Sunday afternoon to find Spike watching her. One of her legs was thrown over his hip, and his arm was casually draped around her waist. She realized that despite the intimacy of their position, it was familiar. She was wearing nothing but an oversized t-shirt and panties—which were showing as the t-shirt rode up the leg draped over him. He was wearing an old pair of sweatpants, his chest bare and pressed against her. He hadn't styled his hair since the time he'd showered, and the curls were free, softening his usual bad boy look. Still, she was comfortable here with him like this, and that made her realize how normal this had become.

Buffy wasn't sure how long he'd been awake, but she got the feeling it had been a while. Suddenly, she became aware of how exactly she was pressed up against him—and what effect it was having on him. Her heart started to beat faster, loud enough to drown out any warnings in the back of her mind that she shouldn't let him be this close.

Spike reached out slowly until the tips of his fingers were barely resting on her cheek. Buffy shivered at his ghost of a touch. She looked into his eyes and realized that she couldn't have moved away, even if she wanted to. The intensity of his gaze had her locked in place. When she didn't pull back, Spike trailed his fingers up her cheek, then up to run them through her hair. Buffy's breathing became more labored, her heart now hammering in her chest. She felt fear warring with her desire, but she was frozen.

Then, he spoke for the first time that morning. "I'm going to kiss you, Buffy."

There it was. Her out. He paused after he spoke, giving her ample time to get away if she wanted. She didn't. She stayed in place even as he moved closer, his breath mingling with hers as his lips fell to hers. The kiss was gentle at first, exploratory, but soon it grew in passion until their tongues were dueling, allowing them to taste each other. Buffy wrapped her arms tightly around him, needing something to ground her as the world spun around her. She didn't remember the last time she'd been kissed like this.

She didn't think she'd ever been kissed like this…

And then it hit her. She was doing what she'd sworn she wasn't going to do. It wasn't safe. She couldn't take this chance. She'd been down this road before, and she knew where it led. She pushed him away.

Spike blinked, taken aback at the sudden violence as Buffy fought to get away from him. He let her go.

Buffy ran into the bathroom, slamming and locking the door behind her. She grabbed on to the edge of the counter, breathing quickly and sporadically. How had she let this happen? If she thought about it, she barely even knew Spike. He'd been in her life—in her home—for about a month. He'd been in her bed for a couple of weeks, and Buffy knew now she'd let him get too close. She wouldn't let anyone in like that, not after all that had happened.

She reached up, fingers grazing against the ring she wore on the chain around her neck. She'd opened up to someone before, let him into her life, her body, her soul. In the end, it had almost broken her. She wouldn't go through it again, wouldn't allow herself to fall for someone like that. She couldn't take another heartache. As it was, she was barely hanging on. She did her best to present herself as strong to the world, but she knew that when she'd broken, she hadn't been able to put the pieces back together they way they'd been before. There were still cracks.

Her hand went from the Claddagh to her lips. They still tingled from the kiss she'd shared with Spike. From the first touch, she'd felt a spark shoot through her, electrifying her, making her feel alive. But as wonderful as it had felt for that brief moment, it had scared her, too. It was too familiar, too much like when she'd let herself fall before. She'd learned that with a fire that hot, all you got was burned.

She shook her head, forcing back tears. She wouldn't do it, wouldn't risk it. She'd do whatever it took to keep herself safe.

She had to.

*** *** ***

Spike lay on the bed, stunned by what had just happened. He hadn't planned on kissing Buffy, but she'd seemed receptive, and he'd made the decision to act on the desire he'd felt since the first time he saw her five years ago. For a few glorious moments, he'd had her, felt her in his arms. Then suddenly, she'd taken it all away. Without a word, she'd changed completely, running way from him as if his touch was the last thing in the world she could ever want.

He heard the shower turn on and stood up, angrily untangling the sheets from around his legs when they tried to trip him up and throwing them in a wad on the bed. He'd had his fill of her closed off behavior. She would let him in for a moment—turn to him for support—then shut herself off again. He'd tolerated it for a while now, but his patience was wearing thin. She was either going to let him in or she wasn't. He needed her to make up her mind.

When Buffy finally came out of the bathroom, Spike walked into the living room, stalking towards her. "We need to talk."

Buffy's eyes widened, and she tightened her robe around her. "No, we don't. There's nothing to talk about."

"We kissed, Buffy."

"It was a mistake."

Spike's jaw ticked, and Buffy could tell he was fighting the urge to yell at her. "Didn't feel like a mistake."

"Maybe for you." Buffy brushed past him, going into the bedroom to get dressed.

Spike didn't let it end there. He followed her, ignoring her indignant glare. "You can't just shut me out, Buffy."

"I'm not!"

"Yes, you are! You ran off, and now you won't talk to me at all!"

Buffy put her hands on her hips. "Fine. We'll talk. This is a bad idea. Nothing good can come from us making with the smoochies."

Spike moved closer to her, like an animal stalking its prey. "Felt pretty good to me," he said, his voice a low rumble.

Buffy almost forgot why she was pushing him away, but she quickly regained her senses. "No… It's not a good idea, Spike. Not good at all."

Spike crossed his arms in front of him. "Convince me."

Buffy sighed, wishing he wouldn't make this so difficult. "What if things don't work out?"

"What?"

"We're roommates, Spike. What if we start this, and things go wrong? It would be awkward."

"If that happened, we'd find a way to deal."

"Our parents are married," Buffy said, her tone making it obviously that she was simply trying to come up with whatever she could think of to "convince" Spike. "That would be majorly weird."

"You're not my sister. I've never thought of you like that. I really don't care who my father is married to, and honestly, I don't think you do either."

"I do! Us together is just wrong!"

"Do you think of me as your brother?"

Buffy was silent for a moment as she contemplated how to answer. If she said yes, he might let this all drop. She could be free from her feelings. But she couldn't bring herself to say it. Even the thought of pretending that was the truth disturbed her. "Look, I said I didn't want this. Just let that be enough and stop harassing me about it."

"Buffy…"

"Leave me alone, Spike. Just leave me alone."

Spike moved away from her. "Fine." He left the room, slamming the door behind him.

Buffy sat down on the bed. Why couldn't he just let things be like they were? Why did he have to complicate it with wanting more?

Buffy frowned. She knew the answer to that question. He was feeling the same thing she was. But he didn't realize what a mistake it would be. She did. She couldn't let it happen. She got up and dressed.

As soon as she was presentable, she went to the door, her hand stopping before she turned the knob. Could she honestly go out there now and pretend like everything was okay? She went back to her bed, sitting against the pillows.

It didn't take her long to get bored. She picked up a book she was reading for class, but she couldn't concentrate on the words, not with him so close. Frustrated, she threw the book down and put on her shoes.

Taking a deep breath, Buffy stepped out into the living room. Spike was sitting on the couch, an open beer bottle resting between his legs. "I'm going to the library," Buffy announced.

"I don't care where you go, Buffy."

As much as Buffy hated to admit it, his words and his refusal to look at her hurt. "Fine. See you later."

"Whatever."

Buffy grabbed her things off the table and left the apartment.

*** *** ***

Buffy couldn't find any solace in the library either. It was too quiet, nothing to distract her from her thoughts. She kept replaying the kiss with Spike over and over, unable to force it to the back of her mind. But she couldn't let herself go there. It would be dangerous.

"Is this seat taken?"

Buffy looked up to see Riley standing on the other side of the small study table. "Uh, no. Have a seat."

Riley gave her a grin that reminded her a little of a boy scout. "Thanks. So, um, what brings you to the library?"

"Books."

"Yeah, they have them here." Riley winced. "That was lame, I know."

Buffy gave him a small smile. "Just a little."

"Hey, you want to get some coffee? I know you said you weren't interested in dating before, and I'm not trying to push you into that, so don't worry. You just look like you could use some coffee."

Buffy thought about it for a moment. She could use some coffee. Preferably of the Irish variety, but she doubted that was what Riley was offering. And Riley…he was safe. He didn't make her feel like he could turn her whole world upside down. She shut the book she hadn't really been reading anyway. "I would love some coffee."

Riley smiled again. "Great! Let's go then."

*** *** ***

*ducks* Please don't hurt me! It'll be okay, I promise!

Also, I've started an update list. I'll let you know what's updated where, and when a fic gets finished and added to my page. Go here to sign up: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/addielogan/

And I'd love some reviews…just nothing too hate-filled, please! lol
Chapter Nine by Addie Logan
Buffy sat across from Riley in a cozy booth. Her hands were wrapped around an oversized coffee mug, and she wondered who had been the first person to have the idea to put coffee in such large cups. Wouldn't it make more sense just to have mugs be taller? It wasn't easy to drink anything when the cup was almost the size of your whole face and it took two hands just to grasp it. Besides, she was always afraid she'd drop it, and that much coffee would just ruin an outfit. Wearing light colored clothes and drinking coffee from an enormous mug was just…

Buffy's chain of thought came to an abrupt stop when she remembered Riley was talking to her. She tuned back in to the one-sided conversation, realizing he was still talking about the same subject he'd been on when her mind had drifted off, and he was apparently oblivious to the fact she hadn't been listening. She had never realized that Iowa could be the topic of such a long monologue. Before today, she'd though it was nothing but corn, but now she realized it was also home to Mrs. Finn's award-winning pies.

His childhood sounded so stereotypically normal, like he'd lived inside a show Buffy would flip past on TV Land. His father stayed and supported his family while his mother worked towards having the perfect household. No painful divorce, no stay in a mental institution. All smiles and farms and pies. This guy was the very portrait of stability.

So he didn't make her knees weak or her head swoon. He didn't make her feel like she'd die if she wasn't with him. Buffy decided that had to be a good thing. What did that sort of thing lead to anyway? Pain, heartache, and loneliness. Wasn't it the wiser choice to go for something safe and dependable?

Buffy also knew if she didn't do something soon, she wouldn't be able to stop things with Spike. She was too drawn to him, and she needed a deterrent. She needed someone who could show her how much better off she was when she was safe. "I've changed my mind," she blurted out.

Riley stopped in mid-sentence. "Huh?"

"You told me to let you know if I changed my mind about dating you, and I have—unless it's too late that is."

"It’s not too late at all," Riley said, his bewildered expression quickly turning to a smile. "What made you change your answer?"

"I realized I wasn't really giving you a fair shot. I've been burned in the past, and it's made me shy away from dating. But you seem like a really nice guy, and there's no reason why I shouldn't give you a chance."

Riley reached across the table and placed his hand over Buffy's. All she could think was how small he made her hand look. No tingles, no mix of emotions making her feel like she could fly and fall at the same time. It was only another hand on top of her own. "I won't make you regret this, Buffy," he told her. "You're a very special lady and you deserve to be treated that way."

"I'm free tomorrow nigh if that's good for you."

Riley grinned, moving their hands so they were resting together in the center of the table. Buffy wondered if he'd keep them there because it would be difficult for her to pick up her coffee one-handed. "I'm free tomorrow. When's a good time for me to pick you up?"

"You don't have to pick me up. I can just meet you somewhere."

Riley gave her hand a squeeze. "Nonsense. I pride myself too much on being a gentleman not to pick you up and make sure you get home safely."

"Well, how does eight-thirty sound then?"

Riley's grin broadened. "It sounds perfect."

*** *** ***

It was dark as Spike stumbled into the apartment, but he didn't think to turn on the light. Instead, he went right for Buffy's bedroom, habit telling him that's where he should be. He grasped the handle, but it didn't turn. Frowning, Spike shook it. Was it broken?

No, something in his mind told him. Not broken. Locked. The memory he'd spent all night trying to forget broke through the haze then and reminded him that Buffy didn't want him in there. He'd been a stupid git, taken things too far, and now she didn't want him to hold her anymore. Just sleeping with her in his arms had been among the most wonderful experiences of his life, and he'd gone and ruined it.

But she'd known he was going to kiss her. He'd told her, and she'd let him. If she hadn't wanted him, why didn't she push him away to begin with?

He found his way back to the couch, lying down and staring up at the shadowed ceiling. Harmony had offered to take him home that night. He could've been in her bed instead of this lumpy couch, could've woken up next to a woman he knew wouldn't reject him in the morning.

He hadn't been able to go with her. Not that the idea of easy sex wasn't appealing, but he hadn't wanted to leave Buffy alone all night. What if she had a nightmare that was too much for her to handle and she needed him? What if she unlocked the door and came looking for him, needing him to hold her until he could dull the pain? He'd never forgive himself if that happened and he was with Harmony. Buffy could need him…

Spike stayed awake for as long as he could, trying to listen for any sound that could mean Buffy was hurting, but it wasn't long until the night caught up with him and consciousness slipped away.

*** *** ***

When Buffy woke up the next morning, she found Spike passed out on the couch, much the way he had been in the early days of their living arrangement. Things had gone back to the way they were before she'd made the mistake of letting him too close. If she was lucky, they'd stay this way, and Buffy could have her life back. It should be a relief.

Buffy watched Spike, a frown tugging at her mouth. It should be a relief. So why wasn't it?

*** *** ***

Spike watched with a growing sense of dread as Buffy flitted between her bedroom and the bathroom, obviously getting ready to go somewhere. She kept her work schedule on a calendar by the fridge so he knew it was her night off. Besides, she wore a uniform to work—and didn't put this much of an effort into her hair. He could see her reflection in the bathroom mirror from his position on the couch, and she was painstakingly styling it with a curling iron. He knew she could be going out with one of her friends, Willow maybe, but somehow he doubted it.

He had a sinking feeling in his stomach that was telling him she had a date. They hadn't talked since the previous morning, and the thought that she was so quickly jumping to someone else made him either sad or angry, he wasn't sure which. Possibly both.

When Buffy finished her hair and started towards the bedroom again, Spike stood and walked over to her, taking her by the arm. "Where are you going?"

Buffy pulled away. "It's not any of your business. You're gone all the time, and I never question you."

"That's different. I'm working."

"Is Harmony work?"

Spike decided not to broach that subject again with her. "I just want to know what's going on, Buffy. You shut me down, but you can go out with someone else the next day?"

"I never said anything about having a date, Spike."

"I'm not an idiot, Buffy. I can tell when a woman is getting ready for a date."

Buffy put her hands on her hips and jutted her chin out defiantly. "So what if I am? It's none of your business anyway."

Spike moved closer to her, and Buffy felt her body temperature rise. It wasn't fair that he could do this to her so easily. Her body should recognize his dangerousness as much as her mind did. "We have something here, Buffy," Spike said, his sensual voice rolling over her. "Heat…desire. You can't deny it."

"No," Buffy replied, trying to keep her voice steady but knowing she was failing. "This is wrong. We're wrong."

"No, we're not." Spike trailed his finger down her cheek, and Buffy gasped. "We could be so right, kitten. So very, very right."

He leaned in, and Buffy knew he was about to kiss her. Her whole body was trembling, and she wanted nothing more than to feel his lips against hers again. His eyes, his mouth, god, that face… And his body… She wanted him in with an intensity she'd never felt before.

But this was the wrong thing to do. It would get her hurt again, and she didn't have enough strength left in her for that. She stepped back. "No. This is wrong. You're…you're like my brother." There, she'd said it. It was untrue, but if it would protect her, then she'd claim it wasn't.

Spike narrowed his eyes as he moved away from her. "Fine. Go get ready for your date, sis."

Buffy cringed. This felt wrong, too. It was just all wrong, and she didn't know where to go. Either way she felt like she was being ripped apart. She tried to think of something, anything to say to make it all right. This with Riley was supposed to ease her pain, not make it worse. She turned away from Spike, ducking back into the safety of her room.

*** *** ***

Spike knew the knock at the door was the date. He got up immediately, stalking towards the door to see the pillock who was daring to take out his Buffy. He shook his head. Not "his" Buffy. That was the problem, after all.

Buffy ran from her bedroom trying to beat Spike to the door, but she was too late. Spike opened up to Riley, and smirked. "Well, let's get a look at the boy," he said, his body language conveying anything but insecurity at Riley's superior size. If anything, it was Riley who looked nervous.

Buffy pushed Spike out of the way. "Hey, Riley. Sorry, I was just finishing getting ready."

Riley glanced nervously at Spike before smiling at Buffy. "Wow. You look…great."

Buffy blushed and accepted his compliment. Spike narrowed her eyes. She did look great—and it was all for an oversized git with a poncey name like Riley. "You better not keep her out too late, mate," Spike said, giving Riley his most menacing look.

"Um, and you are…?" Riley asked.

Spike stuck out his hand. "Folks call me Spike. I'm her brother." He grinned, making sure the expression was more scary than friendly.

Riley shook Spike's hand cautiously. "Um, nice to meet you…Spike. I didn't know Buffy had a brother."

"Oh the family doesn't talk about me much."

Spike could almost see Riley holding back the statement "I can see why." Let Riley fear him. Maybe it would keep him from touching Buffy.

"We should go, Riley," Buffy said, watching Spike from the corner of her eye. Why was he doing this to her? Couldn't he just accept that she wasn't going to let anything happen between them?

"Don't keep her out too late," Spike said, hands crossed over his chest. "And make sure you keep your busy hands to yourself."

"I'm never anything but a perfect gentleman," Riley said. "You can trust Buffy with me."

Spike narrowed his eyes. Like hell he could. He wouldn't trust Buffy with the bloody pope, never mind this guy. "You just bring her back the way you found her."

Buffy shot Spike a look. "We're going now," she informed him. "Have a good night."

"Yeah, you, too," Spike replied, making his sarcasm evident.

Buffy linked her arm with Riley's and led him out into the hall, shutting the door behind them. She could feel Spike glaring at them through the wood, and she let out a deep shaky breath as she walked away with Riley.

"Is your brother always that protective?"

"He's just…he doesn't have a lot of social skills. Can we possibly not talk about him?"

"Whatever you want, princess," Riley said, wrapping his arm around her shoulder.

Buffy smiled at Riley wishing she wasn't suddenly feeling guilty.

*** *** ***

Just so everyone's clear, I'm not a closet Buffy/Riley shipper who has been posting Spuffy fics to throw everyone off my trail and am now gonna bust out with the Rileyness. There's a tiny bit of Riley stuff coming up in the next few chapters, but nothing too major, I swear. And if I can suffer through writing it, you can sit tight and read it. lol
Chapter Ten by Addie Logan
Buffy knew that the last subject that should be on her mind while she was on a date with Riley was Spike. She should be listening to Riley's very amusing anecdote about whatever it was he was currently talking about. Possibly something about…cheese? But her mind kept replaying the scene at the door with Spike, and something inside her was telling her she should feel guilty about it. But why? It wasn't as if she owed Spike anything. She'd offered him her home, not her heart.

She laughed at something Riley said, although she wasn't sure what exactly. It had merely seemed to be the proper social response at the time, and he appeared pleased that she'd given it. She wondered if she could do the whole night like this, feigning interest the way she had at the coffee shop. The way her mind was still reeling because of Spike she wasn't sure she could concentrate on much else. She knew that made her a horrible date, but…

"So what's life like for you back home?"

Dammit... Now she had to be part of the conversation. She sighed internally, realizing she wasn't really being fair to Riley. She had chosen to go on this date, which meant, of course, that she wanted to be there. She should be more of an active participant. She started to answer, and then had a moment of panic as she did a quick compare of her life to Riley's. What would he think of her if he knew how messed up things had gotten for her in the past and why she had felt she needed to get as far away as New York?

"It's great. Well, my parents got divorced right after I started high school, which was rough, but my mom remarried, and he's a wonderful guy. So family life…good."

"Is it just you and your brother?"

Riley's question confused Buffy for a moment. Brother? She didn't have a…oh. Right. "No. I have a younger sister. Dawn."

"Much better name than Spike," Riley commented.

"His name is William," Buffy said quickly, almost feeling as if she had to defend Spike.

"Oh." There was a pause for a moment before Riley asked another question. "Are you planning on staying here after you graduate, or are you going back to California?"

Why was he asking her that? Did he honestly expect her to know what she was going to be doing in the future when today was still a struggle? "I don't know," she admitted. "I'm just trying to get through to graduation. After that, well, I guess it will depend on where I can find a job."

"Do you know what career you're going for yet?"

Buffy suddenly felt like a loser. She had no clue where she was going, what she was going to do once college was over. "No," she said, feeling somewhat guilty that she hadn't planned out her future more now that she was faced with someone who so obviously had.

"Oh. Well, that's all right. You have time, I guess. Personally, I felt like I needed to have a plan as soon as I started college so I wouldn't waste any time trying out majors, but I know that's not possible for everyone."

Buffy decided not to own up to the fact that she'd "tried out" three different majors before settling on her current choice. She had a feeling Riley would meet that declaration with disapproval. "I looked at it as more of a self discovery thing," Buffy said. "Searching for your niche and all that."

"Yeah, that tends to be a popular take on the college experience. I just found it much more beneficial to see it as laying the groundwork for my future career."

"That's very…practical."

Riley's smile told Buffy he'd taken her response as praise, though she wasn't entirely sure she'd meant it to be. "What made you to settle on psych as your major?" Riley asked.

It was the third time in a rather short conversation that Buffy didn't feel comfortable with giving the whole truth as her answer. Riley was so normal, so together, it made her embarrassed for having such a screwed up life. She knew she couldn't tell him her interest in psychology came from her own past experience with having a less-than-clean bill of mental health. "I just find the inner workings of the human mind fascinating," she replied with her most chipper smile.

Before anything else could be said, the waiter arrived with their dinner. Buffy looked down and immediately regretted her meal choice, the sight of it reminding her too much of the first time Spike had cooked. Who would've thought that she'd start to equate pasta with Spike? She hated the way he kept creeping back into her thoughts. She was on this date in order to get herself to not think about him, not the other way around.

So she'd have to push him out of her mind for now, simple as that. She'd concentrate on the food, the restaurant, Riley—anything but the man she'd left back in her apartment.

*** *** ***

"I had a really nice time tonight."

Buffy smiled at Riley, even though he'd just said what was probably the most overused end of a date line ever. It was like the mild, virginal twin of "Would you like to come in for coffee?" She hated this point of a date, when the night was technically over, but neither person was quite sure how to officially end it. And then there was that whole to kiss or not to kiss mental tug-of-war… "Me, too," she said.

"So, you think maybe we could do it again some time?"

"Sure," Buffy agreed. After all, it wasn't like it had been a bad night. Riley was a nice guy, exactly the type she needed to be with. "You have my number. Call me."

Riley gave her his boyish grin. "Great!" He hesitated for a moment, and Buffy braced herself for what was coming. When he leaned towards her, she didn't move, only waiting for his lips to touch hers. When they did, it was a quick kiss, over before Buffy had a chance to blink.

"So I'll call you?" Riley verified.

He looked pleased with himself, Buffy thought. She couldn't help but feel a little bitchy and wonder why. "Yeah."

"Well, um, have a good night then, Buffy."

"You, too, Riley."

She waited until Riley had walked down the hall and disappeared into the stairwell before fishing her keys out from her purse. There was a moment of dread as Buffy thought of what could happen once she walked into the apartment and saw Spike. Maybe she'd be lucky, and he wouldn't be home. She took a deep breath, turning the key in the lock.

Buffy opened the door, freezing when she saw Spike wasn't alone. Harmony was in his lap, tracing the curve of his neck with her tongue. Buffy threw her purse and keys down on the table, telling herself quickly that what she was feeling was anger at Spike for bringing Harmony here when he'd said he wouldn't and not jealousy at seeing him with another woman. "You. Out of my apartment."

Harmony turned, startled, but Spike just looked smug. "What, you're the only one who gets any tonight? Or wait…maybe that's the problem. Not even a bit of a snog from Cap'n Cardboard, and now you're feeling all frustrated?"

"Shut up, Spike," Buffy snapped.

Harmony glared over at Buffy. "Look, I don't know what your deal is, but my blondie bear and I…"

"Get out of my apartment before I throw you out." Buffy's tone was bordering on a growl.

Harmony's eyes bulged, and she jumped off Spike's lap. "Okay. Well, um, see you later, Spikey." Harmony dashed out of the apartment, not daring to look at Buffy as she did.

Buffy slammed the door behind Harmony, then locked it angrily. She spun around, her eyes narrowing at Spike. "I told you not to bring her here again."

Spike remained seated on the couch, his legs spread comfortably and his hands resting behind his head. "Didn't really think you'd be back tonight. What, dinner wasn't nice enough for you to let him take a poke?"

Buffy gasped. "I can't believe you just said that."

"Yeah, well, it's all part of my lack of charm. Don't see why you even care what I think or say, seeing as I'm not good enough for your precious self anyway."

"What? Don't you try to turn this around on me, Spike. You're the one who had that skank back in my apartment."

"You're one judgmental little bint, you know that?" Spike said, his cool demeanor starting to crack. "You don't know her. For all you know, she could be the very pinnacle of virtue."

"Oh yeah, and I'm sure that's why she's with you."

Spike was off the couch as soon as the words were out of Buffy's mouth. He stalked towards her, backing her against the door and pinning her there between his outstretched arms. Buffy trembled, her eyes wide and her breath quickening. "That what you think of me? That I'm beneath you? Oh, I'm fine when you just want to use me, when all I am to you is someone who can make your pain go away for a little while. But if you're ever going to go out in public, well, it better be with someone nice and clean cut. Bloke like me is just an embarrassment."

Buffy pushed against his chest. "Get away from me. You smell like a damn brewery."

Spike didn't budge. "I know you feel this thing between us, Buffy. This heat…desire. You want me. Just let yourself…" He leaned in, his mouth dangerously close to hers.

Buffy pushed him away, harder this time, and he stumbled backwards. "There is nothing between us," she snapped, her body shaking. "God, look at yourself. You have no real job and you can't seem to go even a full twenty-four hours without getting drunk out of your mind. What could you possibly offer me?"

Spike leered at her, caressing his teeth with his tongue, though Buffy could see the anger still in his eyes. "I think you know exactly what I could offer you, kitten."

Buffy gave him her best look of disgust. "That's something I'll never want from you."

"What, you think Riley is going to give you what you need? Didn't seem quite man enough to me."

"Shows how much you know," Buffy said with a smug smile. She didn't like the way he was talking to her, what he was insinuating. She wanted that smug look off of his face. "Riley gives me exactly what I need. He's more of a man than you could ever dream of being."

Spike had her against the door again within seconds, this time with his hard body pressed into her, showing her exactly how much of a man he was. His mouth swallowed her cry of surprise as he gave her a punishing kiss. All semblance of rational thought seemed to fly out the window for her. This kiss was so unlike the mere peck that Riley had given her only a short time before, and Buffy felt dizzy. His touch was electric, and it sent fire through her veins.

But it was wrong. Her voice of reason popped back to the forefront of her mind, reminding her of all the reasons why she couldn't do this. Spike wasn't safe. If she gave in to him now, it would only lead to badness later on. She pushed him away again, this time moving quickly so she was away from the door. "No, Spike. I don't want you. I'll never want you." She saw him move towards her again, and she grabbed on to something he'd said earlier, desperate to do anything to keep him from pushing her where she knew she couldn't go. "You're beneath me."

Spike's face hardened. "Fine. Tell yourself whatever you want, you bloody little bitch. Just think about that when no one's there to hold you while you cry over your dead lover."

Buffy paled. "How did you…"

"I'm not as dumb as you think I am, Buffy. I see you, hear you, and I've put enough of the pieces together to figure out what this is all about."

"You know nothing about me, Spike," Buffy snarled. "Nothing." She went into her bedroom, relieved when Spike didn't follow her.

*** *** ***

Willow propped her elbows up on the lunch table, resting her chin on top of her fists. "So, how did the date with Riley go?"

Buffy swirled her straw around in her drink. "It was nice…"

"Nice? I need more than nice. Give me a full description here. Er, unless things got all groiny, in which case a blurry watercolor will suffice."

"There was no groininess," Buffy said with a small smirk. "Just a kiss at the end of the night."

"Ooh! A kiss! Did it make you all tingly?"

"It was…nice."

"There's that 'nice' again. Come on, satisfy the curiosity of the nosy best friend."

"Fine. We went to dinner at Café Centosette on Second Avenue, and…"

"Ooh, Italian. Tara and I go there for brunch sometimes. They have really good…" Willow trailed off. "Oh, I asked about your date with Riley, and now I'm rambling…"

Buffy chuckled. "Rambling's fine. And it was a good meal. Good food. Good conversation. It was…good."

"So it was nice and good?"

"Yep. Nice and good."

"With a kiss at the end of the night."

"Uh huh."

"So will there be more 'nice and good' dates for Buffy and Riley?"

"I think so. He asked if he could see me again, and I told him he could call me."

Willow gave a small, excited squeal. "I'm so happy for you, Buffy! I was worried when you seemed so unwilling to date again after Parker, but here you are, getting back on that dating horse. And Riley's a great guy. I think you'll be really happy together."

"He's terrific," Buffy replied, hopefully with more enthusiasm than she was currently feeling.

Willow smiled brightly, and Buffy tried very hard to let the other woman's good mood be addictive. After all, Riley was terrific, and Spike's behavior the previous night had more than reinforced her belief that she had made the wise choice. Buffy smiled, too. She was doing the right thing.

*** *** ***

Spike was sitting at the kitchen table when Buffy came home that afternoon. "Can we talk?" he asked as soon as she was inside.

"I really don't want to talk to you, Spike."

"I figured as much. I just…"

Buffy leaned against the counter. "Make it quick. I have to be at work in an hour."

Spike took a deep breath. "Right. Look, I'm really sorry about what happened last night."

"Skip it. I don't want to hear anything you have to say about that. You were drunk, and you acted like an ass. End of story."

"Fine. We'll leave it at that then."

"Is that all you had to say?"

"No. I wanted you to know that I'm going to find another place to live. I can't promise anything over night, but I'll be out of here as soon as I can."

Buffy felt all the strength knocked from both her righteous anger and her legs. Spike was leaving? He wasn't supposed to leave. He was supposed to stay there with her, and… No… This was good, she told herself. Spike being out of her life would make everything easier. "Happy apartment hunting, then. I'm going to get ready for work."

A quick flash of pain hit his features before they hardened again. "I'll be out of your hair soon, Buffy."

"Glad to hear it." Buffy walked into her room, shutting the door behind her. She started to go to her closet and get her uniform for work, when she felt her legs begin to tremble. She leaned against the door for support, tears forming in her eyes. She hadn't considered the possibility that Spike would actually leave like this.

But it was a good thing. She had to keep telling herself that. It would be better for her, and she'd be safer this way. Yes, this would be better.

So why didn't it feel that way?

*** *** ***

A big thanks to Niamh on this one for being my location scout. *wink*

Yes, I know things look rough for our favorite couple right now, but just sit tight, don't burn effigies of me, and everything will be fine, I promise!

Oh yeah, and review please…
Chapter Eleven by Addie Logan
Author's Notes:
Real life made me neglect this and all my other fics for a while, and I'm sorry for that. But I appreciate all my loyal readers on this fic who have put up with huge posting gaps and a painful level of UST. I showed my appreciation here with an extra long chapter, and I will do all I can to have more frequent updates from now on. Thank you so much to every one who has been reading this, and an extra special thanks to those who have been kind enough to review. This is a hard fic to write, and your words of encouragement have meant more to me than I can even begin to tell you.
As mentioned in the fic, "Fire" is originally the Pointer Sisters, though there is a version done by Ghost of the Robot out there, so if you can hunt it down, you can hear James singing it. And "Angel" is by Ghost of the Robot, written by James Marsters. I'm sure you all know who he is…
Buffy came home to find Spike in the living room, packing his things in the large duffle bag he'd brought with him when he'd first come to New York. Buffy stood in the doorway for a moment, watching him. It had been over a week since he'd announced he was moving out, and even though their relationship had remained strained, she'd hoped he'd decided to stick around after all. Buffy realized now that he'd been serious. He was really leaving.

That was what she wanted, wasn't it? She'd been waiting for him to leave ever since he'd arrived. She should be running over there now to speed up his departure.

She wasn't. She wanted to cry. It shocked her now as she realized how much she'd come to rely on him. He'd helped her pay the bills, made sure she ate enough, and had helped her sleep at night. Somehow, he'd managed to set himself firmly in her life without her even being aware of it as it was happening. She always grabbed her toothbrush now without having to remember whose was green and whose was blue. She used to trip over his boots every morning, but now she picked them up from the middle of the floor and put them by the couch as routine. She was used to his favorite foods in the fridge and to his laundry being mixed with hers.

How was she going to live without that now?

Buffy pulled her chin up. She'd lived without Spike for longer than she'd lived with him. She could pull through the way she always did. If she was anything, it was a survivor. She'd faced things much worse than this and made it through.

She shut the front door and came into the living room, setting her books on the kitchen table as she passed it. "Did you find a new place to live?" she asked, hoping her tone was conversational.

"More or less," Spike replied, shoving a wad of black t-shirts into his bag. "I'm staying with Oz for a bit until I can find something I like."

"You don't have to do that," Buffy said. "I mean, you can stay here until you find something more permanent. No point in couch hopping."

"Yeah, there is."

"But…"

Spike threw a shirt into the bag, then turned around. "I can't do this anymore, Buffy! I can't sit here and watch you go on date after date with Wanker Finn. I can't listen to you gush to your friends about him on the bloody phone. And I certainly can't sleep on this couch and pretend I don't want to be in the bed with you. So yeah, I have to do this. I've taken too long to get out of here as it is."

"When are you leaving?"

"Now. I was hoping to be gone before you got back from class."

He had been planning to leave without saying good bye? Buffy fought back tears again. She wasn't going to cry in front of him, not over this. "Can…can we see each other sometime?"

"Probably not."

"So this is just it? Good bye forever?"

"Looks like it." Spike finished packing and zipped the bag. "Take care of yourself, Summers," he said, throwing the bag over his shoulder.

"You, too, Spike," Buffy replied softly.

He gave her a nod and walked out of the apartment. The door shutting behind him sounded so final, and Buffy noticed that he'd left his key on the side table beside the couch. She let out a long, shuttering breath, feeling the pain of yet another person leaving her.

*** *** ***

"Well, I'd take you on the grand tour, but you can pretty much see everything there is from right here. That little space over there with the ancient linoleum and that thing I think may classify as a window is the kitchen. Bedroom is the mattress in the corner. First door on your left is the bathroom, second is the closet. It holds all of nothing. And that couch behind the amps is where you'll be sleeping, should manage to be able to get to it."

Spike glanced down at the man standing beside him. "Thanks for letting me crash here, Oz. I was really in a bind."

"Don't mention it. My door's always open to a friend in need. Besides, you're the most together lead singer Dingoes has ever had. Couldn't let you stay out in the streets and lose your voice to pneumonia or something," Oz replied.

"I do appreciate it though. Living with Buffy was getting…difficult."

"Are you going to all right to perform tonight?"

"What? Yeah, of course. I mean, I'm free of the little chit now, so problem solved."

Oz raised an eyebrow, but left it at that. "Well, make yourself at home. If you smell something really unpleasant, it's only Mrs. Stanton next door cooking dinner. Just try to breathe through your nose and be thankful you're not Mr. Stanton."

Spike chuckled. "Thanks for the warning."

"Anytime. Hey, I need to go see if this part I need for my van is in yet. You settled in enough here?"

"Yeah. I think I'm going to make my way through the amp jungle and get some rest for tonight."

"All right. I'll be back in a bit."

"Thanks again for this, mate."

Oz gave Spike a small nod and left. Spike made his way over to the couch and put his bag on a clear spot of carpet before lying down. His thoughts quickly drifted to Buffy, and he cursed himself for developing such a soft spot for her. He wanted to not care—to not even think about her—but he couldn't help but wonder what she was doing right then. He felt a pang of guilt for leaving her alone, but told himself it was what she'd wanted all along anyway. She was probably relieved that he was finally out of her way. She could go about her life now with that perfect boyfriend of hers. No irritating family obligation to muck things up for her.

Sure, it stung a bit now, but Spike had no doubt that he could numb the pain. He had when his mother had died and when Drusilla had left him. He could certainly get over whatever it was he felt for a woman he'd only known for a couple of months. Buffy was nothing to him. Easily forgettable.

He'd just have to keep telling himself that until she stopped invading his every thought.

*** *** ***

The apartment was too quiet. Spike had always made some sort of noise, even if it was just rustling from his near-constant fidgeting. It had bothered her at first, but Buffy had gotten used to it, and now she saw that she'd even come to expect it. Desperate to keep herself from thinking too much in the silence, Buffy turned on the television. It was set to NBC, and she realized that meant that Spike had probably watched Passions that afternoon.

Buffy could picture him, just a few hours earlier, sprawled out on her couch, catching up on the latest exploits of the citizens of Harmony. And now, just like that, he was gone.

She'd kept him at a distance to save herself from pain, but somehow, she'd still ended up hurt. She wanted to scream, cry, anything to let out the pain that was welling up inside her. It wasn't fair. She'd fought so hard to keep her heart protected, and it had all been for nothing.

*** *** ***

"Buffy, can I talk to you?" Anya asked, coming behind the counter in the bakery.

"Yeah, sure," Buffy replied.

"In my office."

Buffy frowned. Anya never wanted to talk to her in her office. "Um, okay," she replied, following the other woman into the room in the back, jumping a little when Anya closed the door behind them.

"Have a seat," Anya said, gesturing to a chair as she sat down behind the desk.

Buffy did as she was told, then asked, "What's wrong?"

"Your drawer was short when you closed yesterday."

Buffy's eyes widened. "I…I didn't take anything from it, I swear. I don't…"

Anya waved her hand, cutting Buffy off. "I know you didn't. You just had some things tallied up wrong. And I recounted it all for you this morning before Snyder got here."

Buffy breathed a sigh of relief. "So why did you call me in here then?" she asked.

"Because you've been out of it all week. You don't make mistakes like that. You're normally one of he best employees I've ever had here. But lately, you've been messing up orders, forgetting about some completely, and now this with the drawer. I need to know that you're not slipping."

"I'm not. And I'm sorry for all my screw ups. I've just…had a lot on my mind."

"Is it too much? Because, well…" Anya glanced back at the door, then leaned across the desk, lowering her voice when she spoke again. "My loan was approved, and I've bought my shop. I'm almost ready to set it up, and I want you and Willow there with me as co-managers. It's going to be a small store at first, but I know you're both in school, and it would probably be too much for either one of you to help me manage on your own. But if you're falling apart…" Anya took a deep breath. "Buffy, I consider you a friend, but I won't lose money, even for a friend. If you've got some personal problem that's making you all crazy in the head, be upfront with me now, please, before I entrust you with my future business."

Buffy took a moment, surprised at what Anya was offering her. She'd thought that Anya would probably offer her a job as a clerk if she got her shop up and running, but asking her to help her run the place… "I can get everything in my life back together," Buffy promised. "I know I've been off this week, but I'll get better. If you'd do that for me, Anya, I swear I wouldn't disappoint you."

"Good to hear. Just keep quiet about it for now. It's going to be a little while still before I'm ready to leave this place, and I don't want Rat-Man to fire me before that."

"You got it. I'll be zip-lip girl."

"Great!" Anya exclaimed, sitting up straight again. "Look, I'm not too good at the casually trying to bring the conversation around to girl talk thing, so is this about Spike?"

"Huh?"

"Well, something's obviously gotten you upset enough to lose your head, and in my experience, that something is usually a guy. You're with Riley, but you seem to have as much interest in him as you would in a moldy potato, so he can't be the one you're all wiggy over. The only other men you know well are Xander and Spike, and Xander's mine. That leaves Spike."

Buffy gaped at Anya's convoluted—and all too accurate—logic. "I'm…I'm just tired."

"Oh. Well, I know you're lying, but that's your choice." Anya put on her perkiest smile and reached across the desk, patting Buffy's hand. "Buck up, you."

Buffy smirked. "Thanks for your attempt at cheering me up."

"No problem. Now get back to work. And watch what you're doing. No more giving grande mochaccinos to customers who order a tall skinny latte."

Buffy winced as she remembered that morning's catastrophe. "Will do. And Anya—thanks. Really."

"Thank me by watching out for my profits when the time comes, all right?"

"It's a deal," Buffy replied with a genuine smile.

*** *** ***

Buffy put on her brightest grin as she opened the door for Riley. She'd spent every evening she'd had off with him. She hated to admit it to herself, but a lot of that was because she hated being in her apartment alone. This way, she could go someplace with Riley, keep herself occupied, then go home and go to bed.

"You look as beautiful as always," Riley said, giving her that smile that Buffy found just a little too on the goofy side.

"Thanks. So where are we going tonight again?"

"That club with Forrest and April, remember? They're waiting for us downstairs."

Buffy suppressed a groan. How could she have forgotten? Out of all of Riley's obnoxious friends, Forrest was her least favorite. "Right. Well, let's go then," she said, doing her best to look happy. Buffy stepped out into the hallway, locking the door behind her. Riley took her hand as they walked away and, despite her inward cringe, Buffy didn't let herself pull away.

*** *** ***

The band currently playing was by far one of the worst Buffy had ever heard, but at least they were loud enough to prevent any actual conversation. However, that didn't stop Riley from touching her. It seemed like he had to always have his hands somewhere on her. Never to the point of crossing any lines, but enough to be irritating. Hadn't the man ever heard of personal space?

The first band left the stage, and Buffy wasn't sure if she was relieved or not. There was still music, but not the horrible din that had allowed her to remain silent before. "The next band is really good," April announced. "I saw them last week. You guys will love them."

"What's the band?" Riley asked.

"Dingoes Ate My Baby."

The fake smile Buffy had been wearing for most of the night fell from her face. This couldn't be real. Someone had to be playing a cruel joke on her. And Riley's obsession with always being "punctual" had gotten them a table close to the stage, too. She was just deciding what illness to fake when she heard Riley ask, "Hey, Buffy, isn't that your brother?"

Buffy wanted to crawl under the table. Spike was on stage now, setting up with the rest of the band. He hadn't seen her yet, and Buffy wondered if she could make it to the door if she ran now. She'd just tell Riley something later, like she'd suddenly remembered she was late for an appendectomy.

But then Spike turned, and it was too late. His eyes met hers, and there was a moment of surprise before he realized Buffy was not just there, but there with Riley. His expression went cold, and he turned away.

Buffy's heart dropped. She hadn't wanted Spike to notice her, but when he had… Did he want her out of his life so much that he couldn't as much as wave at her now?

"Buffy?"

She looked up quickly at Riley, having forgotten for a moment that he was even there. "Yeah?"

"I asked if that was your brother…"

"Oh. Yeah, that's Spike."

April leaned towards Buffy, putting her hand on her arm and making Buffy bristle. "The lead singer is your brother?"

"Um, uh huh," Buffy replied, her tone a little squeaky.

"Damn, you have one fine brother." April kissed Forrest on the cheek. "But not any better looking that you, honey."

"I met him once," Riley said. "He seemed a little surly to me."

Buffy slunk in her chair, wondering why on earth this was happening to her.

*** *** ***

Spike couldn't believe Buffy was sitting in the audience. Front and center, looking even more beautiful than he even remembered. He'd forced himself not to look at her through the first couple of songs, but he could still feel her presence, her wide green eyes following his every move. He slammed back his drink, hoping it would help him get through this set. He took a deep breath and turned back to the mic. He could do this. It was just another performance.

Buffy didn't want to keep staring. She wanted to look anywhere but at Spike. She was sure that the table top would be much more fascinating. But she couldn't pull her eyes away. He was gorgeous on stage, so completely in his element. Another song began, and she recognized it as a cover of the Pointer Sisters' "Fire." As he got to the end of the first verse, Spike turned his gaze to Buffy for the first time since he'd started performing, looking as if he was singing directly to her.

"You say you don't like it
But I know you're a liar
'Cause when we kiss
Oooh…Fire."

Buffy gulped, noticing how he'd slightly tweaked the lyrics. He winked at her, and she wanted to disappear. Did Riley notice? She gave him a quick glance, but he seemed oblivious. Buffy wasn't sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing… She turned back to the stage, and Spike met her eyes again, this time, curling his tongue against his teeth as he did. Buffy was fairly sure she was going to spontaneously combust. It wasn't fair for him to be that sexy.

Spike didn't know what possessed him to start singing to Buffy. Maybe it was the lyrics, hitting a little too close to home for him not to. But she seemed to be liking it, if her wide eyes and heavy breathing were any indication. He threw in that thing he did with tongue he knew women liked for good measure and grinned inwardly when he saw her gasp. Yeah, she was liking this. He amped up his performance a bit, making sure to give Buffy a good show.

Buffy felt like she was going to hyperventilate. Did he have any idea what he was doing to her? God, he was like sex in tight denim up on that stage. He'd broken away from her gaze for a bit, but as he came to the last verse, he locked his eyes with her again, leaving no doubts in her mind that he was singing directly to her.

"You had a hold on me right from the start
A grip so tight, I couldn't tear it apart
My nerves all jumpin', acting like a fool
Well your kisses they burn
But your heart stays cool

Well, Romeo and Juliet
Sampson and Delilah
Baby, you can bet their love couldn't be denied
Your words say split
But your words they lie
'Cause when we kiss
Oooh…Fire…"

He ended the song by doing that blasted tongue thing again, and as most of the crowd clapped, Buffy jumped up out of her seat, running for the bathroom. Spike smirked as he watched her go.

April announced that she was going to go check on Buffy, leaving Forrest and Riley at the table alone. Forrest leaned over to Riley.

"Man, that ain't her brother."

"What?"

"They're making with the hot naked sex."

Riley gave his friend an angry look. "Buffy said he's her brother, and I believe her. They're not making with the hot naked anything."

"You are way too gullible. Did you see that just then? He was practically having sex with her from the stage!"

"You're delusional, Forrest."

"Whatever, man, but if that's her brother, then she's got one fucked up family."

"Don't talk about Buffy that way," Riley said with a glare.

Forrest held up his hands. "Just looking out for you."

"Well, don't." Riley turned back to the stage, a sour look on his face.

*** *** ***

Buffy gripped the side of the sink, taking deep breaths despite the horrible smell in the club's bathroom. Why had Spike done that to her? Had he purposely been trying to torment her? Had he wanted to prove some point?

"Buffy, are you okay?"

Buffy turned sharply as April came into the bathroom. "Yeah, I'm fine. Why?"

"Well, you were acting sort of funny through that song, and then you ran off right after it was over."

"It, um, brings up bad memories for me," Buffy lied, hoping she could be convincing.

"Oh. Then why did your brother sing it?"

"Spike? He likes to torment me. You know big brothers…" Buffy laughed nervously.

"Do you want to go somewhere else?"

"No!" Buffy said quickly. As difficult as being around Spike was, she didn't want to leave either. "I'm okay now. We can go back to the table."

"Are you sure?"

"Positive," Buffy replied.

"All right…" April said, obviously less than convinced, but not going to push the issue any more.

The two women left the bathroom.

*** *** ***

For the next several songs, Spike virtually ignored her. There was a glance here and there, but nothing anywhere near what he had done earlier. Buffy figured she should be feeling relief, but she wasn't. She wanted his attention again.

After finishing another song, Spike put down his electric guitar, conferring for a moment with the rest of the band before picking up an acoustic one and going back to the front of the stage. He pulled up a stool, sitting on it before resizing the mic stand so it was where he could reach it.

"This is a new one I haven't done before, but I'd like to tonight since the girl I wrote it for is sitting right here in the audience."

Buffy paled. He couldn't be about to do what she thought he was going to do… But his eyes were back on her as he started to strum the guitar and opened his mouth to sing.

"She comes home to me after a hard night's work
Falls in my arms and sleeps like a bird
Startled, she wakes up like she don't know me
Cocks back a fist like she'd going to slug me
Like who are you anyway
And what are you doing to me?

"She's an angel
She can't see it
She's got wings
She can't feel 'em
She's an angel
She can't see it
But she's flying above me every day
Every day of my life.

"Bright diamond eyes with daggers beneath them
She carries the chains of a million decisions
That weren't even hers to begin with anyway
But she carries them all
All the people around her
Never even notice that she's very very tired."

As Spike began the chorus repeat, Riley grabbed Buffy's arm, pulling her up out of her chair. Buffy looked at him, tears in her eyes. She didn't want to leave now, not after Spike had just sung that to her. Was that what he really felt about her? And if it was, well, she'd made a horrible mistake.

"Come on, Buffy, we're leaving," Riley said tersely.

"I don't want…" Buffy's protest died on her lips as Riley started to pull her away from the table. He was hurting her arm, but when she tried to get away, his grip only tightened.

Spike was off the stage before Buffy could even register that he'd moved. He cut in front of Riley, his eyes narrowed. "Let her go," he snarled.

"What, come to protect your sister?" Riley sneered. "Look, I don't know who the hell you really are or what sort of sick fantasies you have about Buffy, but I'm not going to sit here and let you sing to my girl that way."

"Yeah, and I'm not going to let you drag her out of her like a sodding caveman. So let her go before I have to break something—most likely your face."

Riley puffed himself up and looked down at Spike. "Am I supposed to be afraid of you?"

"You would be if you were smart, boy," Spike replied in a tone dark enough to make Riley back down a bit. "Now let Buffy go, so I won't have to knock out all of your very shiny teeth, piss off of the manager, and get my paycheck for the night withheld. Deal?"

"Riley, please, just let me go," Buffy said softly.

Riley looked down at her for a moment before dropping her arm as if it was on fire. "You're disgusting, you know that?" he said before storming out of the club, Forrest and April not far behind him.

Spike turned to Buffy then, pushing her hair away from her face. "Are you all right, kitten?"

Buffy nodded. "Yeah. Although I think he left a bruise on my arm…"

Spike's jaw ticked. "I'm sorry, baby. I didn't mean for that to happen."

"It's…it's all right." Buffy looked down. "I liked the song."

"You did?"

"Uh huh."

For the first time in weeks, Spike was genuinely happy. "Look, I have to finish this set, but then we can talk, yeah?"

"Okay," Buffy agreed.

Spike pointed over to a table on the other side of the stage. "See the woman there in the red and black shirt?"

"Yeah."

"That's the drummer's girlfriend, Mona. Go sit with her for now, and I'll come get you when I'm done."

"All right."

Spike grinned before running back on stage, getting the band to quickly start up another song to get the audience's mind of what had just happened. Buffy made her way over to Mona, suddenly feeling as if she could fly.

*** *** ***

Please remeber to review!
Chapter Twelve by Addie Logan
Author's Notes:
Well, it's nowhere near over yet, but you guys have been so patient with all the angst, here's a little reward...
"You must be Buffy."

Buffy turned to Mona in surprise. "How'd you know that?"

"Spike talks about a 'Buffy' all the time. And from that little display, I guessed you must be her."

"Well you guessed right." Buffy was silent for a moment before asking, "Spike really talks about me?"

"Like I just said—all the time."

Buffy couldn't help the smile that broke out across her face. "Really? Wow…"

Mona leaned in. "If I were you, I'd claim him before some other girl does," she said before turning her attention back to the stage.

Buffy watched Spike performing, and even now that it wasn't directed at her, the sight of him still made a rush go through her. He was so alive up there, and she realized abruptly that she wanted him. Really really wanted him. He turned her way then, his eyes smoldering, and Buffy decided to hell with the consequences. She knew he could make her break all over again, but trying to fight what was between them was killing her on its own. She might as well give in to it if there was going to be pain either way.

When the band finished their set, Spike jumped down off the stage, coming over to the table where Mona and Buffy were sitting. "We have to break down and load up, and then we can get out of here, all right?" he asked Buffy tentatively, hoping not to scare her off again.

She surprised him, however, by grabbing the front of his shirt and pulling him down to her, crushing his lips against hers. Spike only hesitated for a moment before his brain registered the fact that Buffy really was kissing him and kissed her back. She was grinning slyly at him when he pulled away, and Spike cleared his throat. "I'll just, um, be quick about this then."

"I'll be waiting for you," Buffy said in a tone that sounded suspiciously like a purr to his ears. Spike nodded and jumped back on stage, not wanting to waste any time in case Buffy changed her mind on a whim.

Mona smirked from beside Buffy. "Looks like somebody's going to have a good time tonight."

Buffy's smile grew. "That's what I'm counting on."

*** *** ***

Spike was surprised that they made it out of the cab and into the apartment with their clothing still intact. Buffy had been all over him since they'd left the club—a far cry from the woman who would run off every time he'd come near her.

Now that they were behind closed doors, her attentions intensified. She was pulling at his t-shirt so ferociously that Spike wondered if the fabric would tear. When she finally managed to pull it over his head, she broke away from his mouth and moved her kisses to his chest, making Spike groan and thread his fingers through her dark hair.

Some part of his brain that was still miraculously capable of rational thought was screaming at him, telling him that this was just asking for trouble. Buffy had very quickly gone from pushing him away at every advance he made to attacking him as if she were a starving woman and he was the first meal she'd had in weeks. What if she responded to this the same way she did everything else? The problems that would cause would be detrimental to whatever this was between them. Mustering up all of his willpower, he nudged her away from him.

"Buffy…wait. We should…we need to talk about this."

Buffy looked up at him with the sexiest pout Spike had ever seen. "Don't want talk—want you." She leaned into him again, nipping at his ear, and he sucked in a hissing breath.

Spike was going to protest more. He was going to convince her that if they were going to do this, then they needed to do it right. He was going to tell her that she meant too much to him for just a quick screw that could have consequences neither one of them wanted to face.

But then he realized that she'd somehow managed to get his pants open, and her hot little hand was gripping him tightly. That last bit of rational thought he'd been clinging to was gone, and he grabbed her with a snarl, turning to press her against the wall.

"Spike!" Buffy gasped as his hands moved to her blouse, impatiently pulling at the buttons. She felt it give way suddenly, heard the buttons scatter on the kitchen floor, but she didn't care—despite the fact that it was one of her favorite shirts—because then his mouth was on her, licking and nipping at the mounds of flesh that pushed through the top of her bra. She cried out, wrapping her arms around him to hold him in place. Spike responded by hooking his arms under her legs, and then pulling them up so they were wrapped around his waist. Buffy used the new position to grind her hips against his, using the wall for support.

Buffy moaned loudly as one of his hands snaked up her skirt, her panties quickly pushed out of the way to allow a finger to slip inside of her. He moved from her breasts, licking a path from her collar bone up her neck to her ear, where he breathed hotly, "You're awfully wet, kitten. Gonna let me taste that cream?"

She whimpered in response, his words making her shiver. She wondered for a moment if he could make her come just with his voice, before he moved suddenly, changing their position before she even had a chance to register he was moving. Her legs were over his shoulders now as he knelt in front of her, pushing her skirt up to her hips. Buffy looked down at him with hooded eyes, her breath coming out in short pants of anticipation. Spike grinned up at her before leaning in and giving her a long, lazy lick. It made Buffy arch up, her eyes going wide and her hands scrambling as she lost the support of the wall. Spike moved quickly again, wrapping his arms tightly around her back and turning them around so she was splayed out across the table.

Buffy thought for only a second that this probably wasn't the most hygienic thing to be doing on the surface where they ate before his mouth was on her again, her underwear pushed to the side as he lapped at her clit. With her now lying across the table, it freed up his hands, and Spike slipped two fingers inside her, curving them slightly as he pushed them in and out of her. Buffy cried out, reaching behind her to grasp the other end of the table as her hips bucked wildly.

Her taste and scent were driving Spike wild, along with her eager response to his touch. He pulled away for a moment to take a much-needed breath, and Buffy whimpered loudly, using her legs to push him back against her. Spike figured he better finish her off quickly if he wanted to make it through this without passing out, and added another finger, pumping them in and out of her faster as he sucked her clit into his mouth. It wasn't long before her whole body tensed and she made a sound somewhere between a scream and a sob before going limp.

Spike stood on shaky legs, leaning over to kiss her, his cock growing even harder at the way she eagerly kissed him back despite undoubtedly being able to taste herself on his mouth. When he started to finish what she'd started with taking off his pants, Buffy suddenly pushed him back, and he looked at her with unhidden fear in his eyes as he thought she was going to run away like she had before.

"Not…not stopping this," she assured him, reading his expression. "I just want…I want our first time to be in a bed."

Her words warmed his heart. Their "first time"… That meant not only that there would be other times, but that this was something special to her after all. "Anything you want, princess," Spike said softly, grinning at her as he scooped her up and carried her into the bedroom, depositing her softly on the bed.

Spike stepped back for a moment, taking her in. Her chest was barely covered by a cream colored lace bra, the rosy tips of her nipples threatening to spill from the fabric. Her short skirt was bunched around her waist, revealing her barely covered pussy to his heated gaze. His eyes traveled down her shapely legs, his mouth watering at the sight of her calves incased in the black leather of her boots. He thought for a moment about leaving them on her, but decided there'd be time for that later. Right now he didn't want to feel anything but her skin against his.

"Are you going to stare at me all day, or are you going to fuck me?"

Spike blinked, realizing he must've been standing there long enough to make her antsy. Then her words sunk in, and he looked up to meet her eyes. "Not gonna fuck you, Buffy. Gonna make love to you." He kept his gaze on her face, waiting for her reaction to that.

Much to his delight, she smiled. "Well, get to it then, William. Not very nice to leave me all wanting like this."

Spike smiled back, feeling more happiness in that moment than he remembered feeling in a long time. Buffy wanted him to make love to her… He got into the bed with her, pulling her to her side so she was in his arms. "Gonna make it so good for you, kitten," he promised softly, moving his hand down to stroke her core again.

"Spike…please…no more teasing," Buffy begged, arching into his touch. "Need you inside. I feel so empty, baby."

Her words made him shiver, and he was moving in an instant to take off the rest of her clothes. He stopped for a second at her boots, his declaration of, "You're wearing these again for me later," making her giggle. When he sat up, Buffy whimpered for just a moment before she realized he was taking off his own shoes He then stood, ridding himself of his jeans as well. Buffy's eyes immediately fell to his erection, and she unconsciously licked her lips. Another shiver coursed through him as he saw her little pink tongue dart out, and he was on top of her in an instant, kissing her as he positioned himself at her entrance.

Suddenly, she was pushing him back, and Spike looked down at her, confused. "Buffy…what…?"

"Condom," she said, scrambling to get off the bed.

"I don't have one…" he said, cursing himself for both not carrying one and for being inconsiderate enough to not think about it until now.

"I do, in the medicine cabinet," Buffy said, hurrying out of the room.

Spike frowned, thinking about how there hadn't been any in the medicine cabinet when he'd lived there. Had she gotten them for that wanker she'd been seeing? The thought of Riley's hands on Buffy made Spike angry, but he pushed it down. He was here with Buffy now, not Riley, and he wasn't going to let jealousy spoil this.

Of course, if Finn ever tried to touch Buffy again, Spike would rip the git's arms off and beat him with them, but that was another issue entirely.

When she came back into the bedroom, Spike saw that the box was unopened, and he felt a wave of relief go through him. Unless they'd already gone through a box. Or more… He frowned again.

Buffy looked up at his face, puzzled at his darkened expression before she realized what he was probably thinking. "I didn't sleep with Riley," she said. "He didn't even get to second base."

"What's with those then?" Spike asked, pointing to the box of condoms.

"I figured it would be smart to have them just in case. But I wasn't planning on using them with him, really—just a precaution." She reached out and gripped his slightly deflated cock, pumping it back to full hardness. "And aren't you glad I was cautious?" she cooed.

Spike closed his eyes and groaned. She had a point there. He'd be in quite a predicament right now if she hadn't had them. He didn't think he could quite make it to the store to buy any like this…

Buffy tried to open the box with shaky hands, finally tearing it open and letting the box fall to the ground as she pulled out the long metallic strip. She ripped one from the top and dropped the others to the floor to join the box and their clothes before ripping open the packet. She glanced between the condom and Spike's cock dubiously for a moment before reminding herself she'd done this before, even if it had been years. She called back long-buried knowledge before pinching the latex tip and then rolling it down his length.

Spike let out a deep breath once she had him covered, knowing the moment he'd been waiting for had finally come. He reached out for Buffy's hand and coaxed her on to her back before moving over her again. "Where were we, luv?" he asked huskily.

"You were about to make love to me," Buffy said softly, running her hand down his cheek.

Spike smiled warmly, then leaned in to kiss her deeply before guiding himself into her. Buffy cried out at the penetration, and hissed as he pushed in further. Spike pulled up on his arms, looking down at her with concern. "Am I hurting you?"

"It's…it's been a while," Buffy said. She let out a deep breath. "Just go slowly."

"I can do that," Spike promised, kissing the tip of her nose, though honestly, he wasn't sure he could. Buffy was so hot, so tight—so perfect—that it was all he could do to keep from pistoning into her wildly. But he was not going to hurt his girl. So he closed his eyes and grit his teeth, counting backwards from a thousand as he waited for her to adjust.

He wasn't quite to eight hundred when she locked her heels behind him, pulling him slightly deeper. "I can take more, now," she said, her voice barely above a whisper. "Need to feel you move."

Spike opened his eyes to look into hers, taking a deep breath as he started his rhythm, slowly working himself deeper into her. Buffy yelled his name when he finally bottomed out inside her, and Spike had to fight from coming right there. He knew it should sound corny to his own jaded mind, but he'd never known a woman to fit him as well as this one. They were moving in perfect synch, as if they were old pros when it came to each other's movements and not doing this for the first time. One of her hands was clutching tightly to his shoulder, but the other was splayed out on the pillow beside her head, and Spike linked his fingers with hers. She met the gesture with a tight squeeze, and Spike trembled.

He could feel himself nearing the edge and could tell by her frantic movements that she was close, too. He shifted slightly, changing the angle of his thrusts so he was rubbing hard against her clitoris with every push inside her. Buffy responded with a throaty moan, wrapping her legs tighter around him and making his thrusts shorter, keeping more of him inside of her. Spike was so close now, fighting the need to let go she'd reached her own peak. He leaned down, speaking closely to her ear. "Need…need you to come, luv. Buffy…kitten…come for me now, baby…"

His ragged pleas shot straight through her, and Buffy wailed loudly, squeezing both his hand as tightly as she could as her orgasm hit her. Spike let her pull him along with her, his hips freezing and pushing her further into the mattress as he roared his climax.

Not wanting to collapse on top of Buffy, Spike rolled over, groaning as he had to pull out of her. But their hands were still linked on the pillow, and he looked at them and smiled before pulling them to his lips to kiss her fingers. Buffy returned his smile before stretching languidly, reveling in the warmth that was still spreading through her. Spike broke away from her suddenly, and Buffy frowned before he gave her a quick kiss. "Be right back, luv. Gotta do something about this," he said, reminding Buffy of the condom. She nodded and leaned back on the pillow, her eyes drifting shut.

Spike rejoined her in the bed soon, pulling her to him and the sheet around them. Buffy made a small sound of contentment and nuzzled up against him, and Spike held her close, running his hand through her silky hair.

They stayed like that for a while before Spike heard Buffy sniffling and realized she was crying. He was hit with a sudden wave of panic, wishing that he'd gone with his first instinct and talked to her beforehand, made sure this was really wanted. It had all seemed so perfect at the time, but she must be regretting it now. He pulled away enough to look at her face, though he feared what he might see there.

"Buffy? What's wrong, luv?" he asked softly, praying that she wouldn't run off.

She took a deep breath before answering, and the sight of her watery eyes made Spike's heart clench. "I never thought I'd have this again," she said.

"Have what?"

"This. This thing that we just shared. It was so beautiful, and I feel so cherished right now, and I…I never thought I could…again…after…after…" Buffy's soft tears broke into full sobs, and Spike gathered her back into his arms, murmuring soft words of comfort.

Eventually, Buffy moved away from him slightly, slipping one arm from around him to wipe at her eyes. She saw the concern clearly written on Spike's face, and Buffy knew then that she had to tell him the truth about her past. He deserved to know what he was signing up for getting with her, needed to know why she was the way she was.

"His name was Angel."

Spike tensed, wondering what Buffy could be talking about before he remembered the hints of her past that he'd caught in their time together. Her dead lover… "Tell me about him?" he coaxed softly, knowing she needed to get this out.

Buffy closed her eyes, willing her nerves to calm down. She could do this… She opened them again and knew immediately she couldn't get this out with Spike looking at her so intently. It made her heart ache too much. She sat up, keeping the sheet around her as best she could as she pulled her knees to her chest.

Her back was to him now, but Spike didn't push her to move. If this is how she needed to do this, then he would let her. Buffy was too easily scared off he knew, and he didn't want her to run now that he finally had had her in his arms. He propped himself up on his hand, lying on his side and waiting patiently for her to speak. After a long pause, she did.

"I met him when I was sixteen. My friend Cordelia talked me into going to this college party, and he was there. He was twenty, and he had no idea that I was still in high school. We ended up cutting out of the party and going outside, sitting on the hood of his car and talking all night. He made me feel smart, and mature, and like someone really special. I'd never…I'd never felt that way with anyone. I knew at the time that I should tell him my age, but I couldn't do it. I figured I'd lose him that way, and I didn't want to. So I let him think I was a sophomore at some other college—not in high school.

"But then I actually fell in love with him. He was everything to me, and I couldn't keep lying to him. I…I told him the truth. He was shocked, and he said that we shouldn't see each other anymore. That I was too young, and he was pre-law, and that being with me could jeopardize his whole future career. But that lasted all of a week. We knew it was wrong, but we couldn't stay away. I was convinced that I couldn't live without him. We kept seeing each other, and in my mind nothing bad could happen, because we were in love. It was going to be forever, and I knew that in a few years the whole age thing wouldn't matter. I mean, what's four years in the grand scheme of things, right? I could see our whole future, from the small apartment we'd live in while he was in law school to the house we'd have with the kids and the dog.

"But then my mom found out. Apparently four years was a lot to her. She told him if he came near me again, she'd have him arrested. I was seventeen by this point, and I begged her to let it go. I was almost old enough, why couldn't she just let me be happy? She did everything she could to keep us apart, and Angel said that we should just wait the year. We had our whole lives ahead of us, after all…

"I tried to wait, but I ached for him. We saw each other when we could, but it was rough. My mother was watching me like a hawk, and when I finally did turn eighteen, I wanted to just leave home, be out on my own. But Angel convinced me to stay, told me that I needed to stick it out through high school. At least she couldn't threaten to have him arrested anymore. But that didn't stop her. She said he'd only be a distraction in my life, that I had too much going on to get so serious with a man. So we made plans. He was graduating from college about a month before I finished high school, and he was going to go to LA—where he was going to be for law school—and set everything up for us. He got an apartment, and right after graduation, I was going to take the bus down there and we…we were going to be together."

Buffy was silent for a long while after that, and Spike took a deep breath, deciding to prod her gently again. "What happened, pet?" he asked, keeping his tone steady and even.

"My mother," Buffy replied, her tone harsh enough to make Spike wince. "She found out I was leaving, and told me I couldn't go. We…we had this huge fight, and…and it made me miss the bus. I had to wait around for another one, and it was night before I got to LA."

Buffy stopped again, and Spike could hear her fighting tears. She took a deep breath and pushed herself to continue. "But Angel was there waiting for me. I was so happy in that moment. I can still remember seeing him there and thinking that all the badness was behind us. But…but there were these men in…in the parking lot. And they attacked us. It happened so fast, I can't…I can't remember it all, but they came after me, and Angel he…he wanted to protect me. And then there was a shot, and they were gone, and…" She sobbed loudly for a moment, her whole body shaking before she said in a rush, "He died in my arms, and it was all my fault. He was there because of me, and…" It became too much, and she buried her face in her hands.

Spike was up immediately, wrapping his arms around her and pulling her against his chest. She welcomed his embrace, letting him soothe her while she cried. "Not your fault, kitten. Oh, Buffy, not your fault." He felt his own eyes tearing up, his heart breaking for the woman in his arms.

"It is. It is my fault," she replied. "If he hadn't loved me, he never would've died. I…I killed him."

Spike's arms tightened around her. "No, baby. Don't think that about yourself."

She pulled away slightly, her face a picture of anguish. "It just hurts so much, Spike. It hurts all the time, and I can't make it stop, and I…" she crumbled again, and Spike moved them so they were lying down again, cradling her in his arms as she cried.

Eventually, her tears quieted down, and Spike realized she'd fallen asleep in his arms. "I'll make the hurting stop, Buffy," he promised softly before letting himself follow her into slumber.

*** *** ***

I know you have to have something to say about that chapter, so please review. I'm not a mind-reading author, so there's no way for me to know what you're thinking about a story or if you want to keep reading it unless you tell me.
Chapter Thirteen by Addie Logan
Spike allowed himself a few moments of contentment with Buffy still sleeping in his arms before the panic set in. What would happen when she woke up? She'd let him in both physically and emotionally the night before, but he wasn't sure how she'd react now, facing the day. Being with Buffy had been one of the most incredible experiences of his life, and the thought of losing that now scared him more that he even wanted to admit.

When her eyes slowly fluttered open, Spike sucked in a deep breath. He watched as a slow smile crept across Buffy's face as she stretched languidly, then he frowned as she winced a little.

"Okay, those are muscles I haven't used in a while," Buffy grumbled.

Spike's mind was whirling. She wasn't running or screaming, so that was a good thing. She'd looked happy at first, but now she was frowning. That could be bad… "Are you sore, luv?"

"A little." Buffy's smile returned, this time taking on an almost impish quality. "But it was worth it."

Spike felt himself relaxing as he started to believe that maybe this morning actually was going to turn out well. He reached up and stroked Buffy's cheek. "Guess we're going to have to see that those muscles get more of a regular workout then," he replied.

Buffy pushed herself closer to him, practically purring as she rubbed her hands down his chest. "Think maybe we could start on that right now?"

Spike's eyes darkened, and he didn't even try to fight the shiver that coursed through him. He couldn't have imagined this morning going any better, and he would've been giddy if Buffy hadn't already managed to distract him from thinking about anything other than his desire for her. He rolled over on top of her, fully intending to show her just how well he could work out those muscles when suddenly, she froze, pushing at his chest. Spike pulled up, letting her get off the bed. "Buffy…what's…what's wrong? Did I do…"

"I'm supposed to be at work in fifteen minutes," she said before rushing out of the room without a look back at him.

Spike sat up in the bed, filled with disappointment and confusion. What had just happened exactly? She'd been so responsive, and now she was running away? Was she using work as an excuse to get away from him? But if that were the case, then why had she seemed to want him only moments before.

Then he heard her talking to someone in the living room, and he quickly surmised that she'd made a phone call.

"Anya, it's Buffy. I know it's short notice, but I can't come in today. I know, I know, but I have a really good excuse. Yeah…I'm having sex. No! Not at this very moment…I stopped to use the phone. Well, now you tell me! Ugh. A world of no. Spike… Yes, that Spike… What? I'm not saying that! Oh, you're evil. Fine. You were absolutely right, and I was very, very wrong to ever doubt your knowledge of all that is the world of men, oh knowing one. There, you happy? Can I go back to the sex now? Okay, I will. I promise. Uh huh. Bye!"

Buffy slammed the phone back on the receiver and ran back into the room, all but leaping into bed with Spike. "Sorry. Knew if I didn't hurry up and do that now, I was going to get too distracted. But then Anya said that 'having great sex' is an acceptable reason for not calling in, so ugh, total waste of time when I could've been otherwise occupied."

All the doubt that had built itself back up inside Spike when Buffy had run off dissipated. Not only was she staying with him, but she'd had no problem admitting their relationship to one of her friends. This was something real to her, something she thought was worth keeping. He wrapped his arm around her and pulled her flush against him, kissing her with a near savage intensity. Buffy moaned, clinging tightly to his back, his desperate need fueling her own. They tore away from each other only when breathing became a necessity, and the raw need in Spike's eyes made Buffy pull him to her all over again.

When they broke the kiss a second time, Spike moved his mouth to her ear, nipping lightly on the lobe before whispering, "Having you only made me want you more, pet. I could spend every moment of my life buried inside you and never get enough."

"Oh god," Buffy groaned. His voice could always make her hot, but now it was so low, so roughened with desire, that she felt positively on fire.

"God, hmm? I usually respond to just Spike, but god'll do." Spike thrust his pelvis against her, and Buffy felt no need to argue. She'd happily make him her god if he'd just keep doing what he was doing. Then she felt him slip two fingers inside her, caressing her at just the right angle, and Buffy was convinced he was a god. No human man could possibly make her feel this good so easily. She thrust her hips in time with his hand, whimpering and panting.

"That's it. Purr for me, kitten."

Buffy gasped when his thumb found her clit and begun to rub hard circles against the bundle of nerves. He quickly built her higher and higher, until suddenly he pulled away, causing her to cry out and reach for him blindly, desperate to bring him—and the pleasure—back.

But then there he was again, sliding his condom-sheathed cock inside of her. "Sorry, baby. Just needed to be inside you, is all. Couldn't wait any longer."

"Mmm…" Buffy replied wordlessly, thrusting her hips up. His fingers had felt good, but this was so much better. He stretched her, filled her, made her feel complete. How could she ever have thought to deny herself this?

She clutched Spike tightly, watching him as he moved over her. He met her eyes, keeping his intense blue gaze locked on her as he slid in and out rhythmically. Somehow, he'd managed to make all the bad in her life seem to melt away until all the mattered was the two of them, their bodies entwined. But she still needed more of him, needed him to fill all the places where she was empty.

"More, Spike," Buffy gasped. "Harder."

He complied without a word, putting more force behind his movements. Buffy could tell the tenuous hold he had on his control was slipping, and she moved her legs up to his hips, wrapping them around him as tightly as she could to better meet his thrusts. She tried to pull him closer, desperate for what seemed just out of reach.

And then it hit her, and she screamed his name in pleasure, her climax triggering his own until they collapsed together, bodies trembling.

*** *** ***

"I'm hungry."

Spike chuckled as Buffy's sudden declaration broke the silence that had followed their morning lovemaking. "And what exactly do you expect me to do about it, pet?"

Buffy propped herself up on his chest, looking down at him. "Make omelettes."

"Oh, well, look who's getting all demanding now."

Buffy made her eyes grow wide and pitiful as she stuck out her bottom lip. "But it would make me happy. Don't you want to make me happy, Spike?"

"Oi! That's just not fair play…"

Buffy's only response was to coquettishly bat her eyelashes.

"Bloody woman," Spike grumbled as he moved her from his chest so he could get off the bed. "I'll make you an omelette if that's what you want."

"With cheese?"

"Course. Know how much my girl likes cheese."

Buffy made a small squeal of delight, and Spike noted how she didn't protest his use of the phrase "my girl." Instead, she gave him a bright smile, punctuated with a "thank you, honey."

Spike smiled back. He'd make her a thousand omelettes just to keep her calling him sweet names like that. "You do have food in the fridge, don't you?" he asked.

"Yep. I have eggs and cheese—and peppers, too."

"Guess you're gonna want me to chop those up." Buffy's eyes grew wide and pleading again, and Spike knew for certain just how much she had him wrapped around her little finger. He chuckled and grabbed his jeans, putting them on before going into the kitchen. He'd started rummaging around the fridge for what he'd need when he felt Buffy's arms go around him from behind and her lips press a small kiss against his shoulder blade.

"Did I ever tell you how good your ass looks in these jeans?"

Spike shivered. This was a side of Buffy he'd dreamed of more time than he could count, but to actually see those dreams played out in living color was better than he could ever have imagined. "No, pet, don't believe you ever have," he said, leaning back slightly into her embrace.

"How neglectful of me."

Spike turned, his mouth going dry at the sight of her wearing nothing but one of his shirts. "How hungry are you exactly?" he asked huskily.

"Hungry. Food now. Sex later."

"Or Cave Buffy will be angry?" Spike asked, quirking an eyebrow.

Buffy lightly slapped his chest, then pointed to the stove. "Breakfast."

"Is this why you brought me back here? To make me your personal man-slave?"

"Yup. To provide me with omelettes and orgasms."

Spike laughed, her playful response both surprising and amusing him. "Been spending time with Anya, have you?"

"Just a little."

Spike leaned in and kissed the tip of her nose. "Well, you just relax now, princess, and I'll get to work on the first thing. Then I'll see what I can do about the second." He punctuated the last word with a look hot enough to make Buffy's knees weak. But a small rumble from her stomach reminded her why they were in the kitchen instead of the bed.

She walked over to the table, sitting down and resting her chin in her hands. "All right, man-slave. Get to it."

"You going to watch me?"

"Uh huh. I like watching you cook. There's something really sexy about a man in a kitchen."

Spike chuckled and got to work. If him cooking got her hot, then who was he to deny her a show?

Buffy's gaze followed him around the kitchen, her hunger rising for both Spike and the food. She realized suddenly how right it seemed to have him there, how right he looked in her apartment. "I missed you," she blurted out.

Spike turned from the bell peppers he was chopping. "What?"

"I missed you. Here—in the apartment. It felt so…empty. Like if there's a painting that used to be on a wall, and then someone takes it away, but you still expect to see it when you look at that wall, and when it's not there, it just seems…wrong. And that's a horrible analogy, because you're a person, not a painting, but…"

"I know what you mean, kitten. Felt like something was missing." Buffy nodded. "Do you want me back here? On a permanent basis." Buffy nodded again, but Spike felt like he had to make one more point before he agreed to come back. "And just so we're clear, it would be different this time. I'd live here with you all official-like, so no shutting me out."

"I know. And you did live here before, I was just…too stubborn to accept it." Buffy stopped long enough to respond to his smirk with a dirty look before she continued. "I want you here, Spike. And as much as it scares me to admit this, I need you here. Since you left, everything as been harder. I thought letting you in would be the difficult thing to do, but it wasn't. It was living here after I'd driven you away. That's what was hard."

Spike made his way over to the table, kneeling in front of Buffy and reaching up to cup her cheek with his hand. "No, baby. Don't think that's what you did. Besides, I know I was no picnic to live with." Buffy smiled at him a little. "Knew I could get a grin. We had a rough start, luv. Lots of couples do, it's okay. But you didn't drive me away. I'm here now, aren't I?"

Buffy nodded. "And you're going to stay, right? You're not going to leave me again?" Her lip trembled, and Spike felt like a wanker for ever leaving at all. He'd thought he was doing the best thing for her at the time, but it was obvious now that that had hurt her in a way neither one of them had anticipated. He stood, wrapping his arms around her and letting her rest her head against his abdomen.

"Not gonna leave. You mean so much to me, Buffy. You want me for the long haul, you've got me."

"I do. I'm terrified, but I do." She looked up, and Spike saw the tears shimmering in her eyes. "You'll help me not be afraid anymore, won't you, William?"

Spike's heart jumped in his chest. This was a side of Buffy he rarely saw—if ever. It was a vulnerability she'd only shown him those nights that he'd held her, and even then she'd been more guarded than this. She was sitting in front of him now, handing him her broken heart and asking him to mend it. Could he? He wasn't exactly in one piece emotionally himself, and he knew it. Could he accept the responsibility of teaching this woman it was okay to love again?

"I will, Buffy. I promise."

Buffy read the sincerity in his eyes and sniffled. The two were silent for a moment before Buffy's mouth turned up slightly. "So what about those omelettes?"

*** *** ***

Buffy lay in Spike's arms, a small, contented smile on her lips. They'd barely made it through breakfast before they'd stumbled back into the bedroom, desperate to feel each other again. Spike had drifted off to sleep after the last time, but she'd stayed awake, despite the fact that their enthusiastic, amorous activities had left her tired and sore. She was almost afraid to go to sleep, worrying that she'd open her eyes again to find that none of it had been real. She'd be alone again, without the warmth and comfort that Spike was giving her now.

But he wouldn't leave her. He'd promised.

Angel promised not to leave, too… a little voice inside reminded her. And in the end, he had. Not because he'd wanted to, but the result had been the same. She'd been broken and alone.

She thought about Spike being cold and lifeless the way Angel had been the last time she'd held him, and wrapped her arms tighter around her lover. She couldn't survive that again, especially not with this man sleeping beside her now…

But what choice did she have but to take the risk? She was already in too deep with Spike, although how it had happened, she didn't know. She'd tried so hard to protect herself, to avoid putting herself in a situation where she could lose it all again, but it had happened just the same. Somehow the one person she'd wanted nothing to do with had become the one person she couldn't live without.

So she did the only thing she could.

She held on to him and prayed that this time, everything would be all right.

*** *** ***

I'm not sure how happy I really am with this chapter, but the muse has not been with me recently. Let me know what you thought of it, please. I could really use the feedback right now…
Chapter Fourteen by Addie Logan
Willow knew Buffy well enough to know something was off. For one thing, she was smiling. A lot. And it was a genuine smile, not the sort that Buffy put on just for the customers. It was something Willow had rarely seen from her friend. "Buffy, are you okay? You didn't like, hit your head really hard on the way to work today, did you?"

Buffy didn't respond. She was leaning against the counter, that huge smile on her face. Plus a very far away look in her eyes. "Uh, Buffy? Are you home in there?"

Anya walked out from the back office and past the counter on her way towards the front door. "She had really great sex. It gives you that goofy, dazed look."

Buffy snapped to attention then. "Anya!"

"Well, you did. I'm going out for lunch. You guys want me to pick something up?"

"I'm good," Buffy said, trying to push back the blush Anya's declaration had brought to her face. At least there hadn't been any customers in at the time…

"I'm fine, too, thanks," Willow said.

Anya smiled perkily. "Okay. See you two in a bit."

Willow turned on Buffy as soon as Anya was out of the building. "What was she talking about?"

Buffy's attempts to keep from blushing proved completely futile as she turned bright red. "I had sex with Spike."

"Spike!? Seriously? What about Riley?"

"Ugh. Riley was a temporary lapse in sanity."

"Oh my god, Buffy, this is huge!"

"Yeah, and so is Spike." Buffy's eyes widened. "I can't believe that came out of my mouth. He's turned me into a perv."

Willow smirked. "Wow. I've never seen you like this over a guy. Ever." Suddenly, she was pouting. "And how come Anya knew before me? I'm the best friend here! We've been at work together for hours, and you haven't said anything!"

"I was going to," Buffy insisted. "But every time I'd start, I'd think about Spike, and well…"

"Which explains the glassy eyes and huge grin."

"Oh yeah." As if on cue, the grin returned. "Will, it was amazing. I didn't know sex could be like that in real life. I thought movies were just making it up. But then I was with Spike, and wow. Just…wow."

Willow gave Buffy a light nudge with her elbow. "I told you there was sparkage."

"Oh, there's sparkage. I'm surprised we didn't catch something on fire."

"I'm really happy for your, Buffy," Willow said. "I was worried about you, alone all the time." She frowned. "But that still doesn't explain why Anya knew before me."

"Spike and I slept together for the first time the night before last. And then when we woke up, I didn't want to stop. So I called Anya and asked for the day off," Buffy explained.

"Figures Anya would take 'having sex' as an acceptable reason to skip work. Hey, didn't you have a date with Riley two nights ago?"

"Um, yeah."

"So how did you go from on a date with Riley to sleeping with Spike?"

"We were double dating with a friend of Riley's, and his girlfriend wanted to go see Spike's band. Only I didn't know it was Spike's band until I got there. I mean, can you even imagine the odds? Out of all the clubs and all the bands in New York, that's where we end up… Anyway, Spike gets on stage, and he starts singing to me. Well, really it was like musical foreplay. I swear, that man is…" Buffy stopped, shaking her head. "Anyway, he ended the set for the night with a song he wrote for me, and…"

Willow cut Buffy off with a loud "aww!" "He wrote you a song? Buffy, that's so romantic." She frowned. "Unless it was a song about thinking you're a bitch or something…"

"Willow! It was a nice song. Really pretty. Made me feel all gushy inside." Buffy's dreamy look returned again at the memory. "But then Riley got all jealous and tried to drag me out of the club, only Spike wouldn't let him. He was all sexy and…ugh, Willow, I think I'm falling in love."

Willow's eyes widened. "Love? Seriously? You?"

"Yes, me. Miss No-Man-Shall-Have-My-Heart herself."

"Does Spike know this?" Willow asked.

"I haven't told him," Buffy replied. "I want to make sure first, you know? And I'm so happy right now. I don't want anything to mess it up."

Suddenly, the front door burst open, Snyder striding in, a glare on his face. "Do you know what I see right now?" he asked as he approached the counter.

"A bakery?" Buffy replied.

"No. I see an empty bakery. And do you know why it's empty?"

"No one wants a cookie?" Willow asked.

"It's because there's gossip. People don't want to buy from gossipers." Snyder glared at the two girls before going back into his office, slamming the door behind him. He opened it again a moment later, peering out. "I'll be watching you two on the cameras."

Buffy and Willow shared a look before going off to find something to pretend to clean to keep Snyder happy.

*** *** ***

Usually, Buffy cursed the lack of elevator in her building. After a long day at work, on her feet all day, the last thing she wanted to do was go up four flights of stairs. But today, she practically flew up them, her only thought being getting home to Spike.

Home to Spike… She liked the sound of that.

She walked in the front door to find him asleep in the couch. The television was on, and the remote control was on the floor under his outstretched hand. He was wearing nothing but a pair of worn jeans, and Buffy licked her lips as a naughty idea she couldn't bring herself to ignore sprung to mind.

Buffy shut the door as quietly as she could, not wanting to risk waking Spike up before she was ready. She crept over to the couch, kneeling beside it and slowly unbuttoning Spike's jeans. She pulled out his cock, stroking it slowly and marveling at how it seemed to come to life in her hands. He'd been at least semi-erect every time she'd seen him before, and she enjoyed this chance to watch him grow hard.

He stirred, making a soft sound, and Buffy looked up, watching his face. When she discerned that he was still asleep, she leaned down, taking him in her mouth. Unable to fit him all in, Buffy brought her hands back in to play, using one to stroke the rest of his length, and the other to cup his balls.

Spike groaned as he started to wake. He'd been having the most wonderful dream and… His train of thought stopped short as he realized he was still feeling what he had in his dream. He opened his eyes and confirmed it. Buffy was really here, eagerly sucking his cock. "Buffy…" Spike moaned, his hand coming up to gently rest in her hair. "Oh god, pet."

Buffy looked up, her eyes sparkling with mischief as they met his. Spike shivered. "Bloody dream come true, you are," he said. After all, it was the truth…

Buffy began to move faster on him, twisting both her hand and her mouth on every upstroke. Spike's eyes closed again as he mumbled a litany of praises for both her and what she was doing to him. She tightened the grip she had on him before sliding up again slowly, barely grazing him with her teeth before pulling up almost completely, only to roll her tongue around the head of his cock. Spike groaned loudly, his hips bucking off the couch. Pleased with his response, she did it again.

Spike knew he couldn't hold off his orgasm. What she was doing to him was too wonderful for it last any longer. "Stop…Buffy, you have to stop."

Buffy pulled up, Spike responding to the action with a whimper. "Did I…did I do something wrong?"

"No. It's perfect, luv," Spike replied softly, stroking her cheek. "You just got me so close. Didn't want to come in your pretty little mouth."

Buffy traced the underside of his cock with her fingernail. "But wouldn't that feel good, baby?"

Spike trembled. What this woman could do to him... "Yeah. It would feel so good, Buffy…"

"Then do it," Buffy said before engulfing him with her hot mouth again. She sucked him hard, squeezing his balls as she did. Now that he had her permission, Spike came, emptying himself into her mouth with a heartfelt groan. Buffy swallowed, not pulling up until he was done. As she lifted her head, she met his eyes, wiping the little bit of come that had leaked out of her mouth on to her finger and licking it off.

If the blow job hadn't been enough to turn his brain to mush, that little act was. Spike lay completely limp on the couch, breathing heavily. Buffy crawled up his body, stopping to nip at his ear.

"Spikey, honey… Did I break you?"

"God, just about. Anyone ever tell you you're a fucking good cocksucker?" Spike frowned. "Wait, don't answer that."

"Mmm…it's easy with a cock as tasty as yours, baby," Buffy purred, reaching down to squeeze the organ in question.

Spike moaned. His eyes widened when he realized he was growing hard again. Was that even possible? Bloody hell…

"Go get a condom, pet," Spike said. "Then come back here and ride me."

Buffy shivered. His voice was dark with sexual promise, and just the thought of what he was suggesting made her unbelievably wet. She stood on shaky legs, going into the bed room as fast as she could.

Spike kicked off his jeans as he waited for her to come back. His hand strayed to his cock, stroking it back towards full hardness as he anticipated how good it would feel to be back inside his Buffy.

When she returned, Buffy had not only gotten the condom, but had also taken off her clothes, leaving her deliciously bare to his heated gaze. She walked slowly over to him, straddling his calves and taking hold of his cock. "Is this where you want me, baby? You want to feel my pussy squeezing you till you pop?"

Spike fought the urge to come right then and there. She was so incredibly sexy like this, making him harder than he ever remembered being before. "Yes…"

"Beg me."

Spike's eyes widened. So baby wanted to play, did she… He responded with a leer. "Make me wanna beg."

Buffy licked her lips, then leaned down, nuzzling her mouth against his chest. Suddenly, she took one of his nipples in her mouth, biting down lightly. Spike cried out, his hips bucking. Buffy's tongue darted out then, soothing the sting of her teeth. "Did you like that, Spike?" she cooed.

"Yes…"

Buffy smiled slightly before moving to the other side, giving the same treatment to that nipple that she'd given the other. Spike groaned, fighting back the "please" that threatened to come from his mouth. He was enjoying this too much to give in so soon. He reached out to cup one of her breasts, but she pushed his hand away.

"No. No touching."

Spike moved his hand back almost immediately, wanting to test her limits, see how far she'd go with what she started. Buffy grabbed his wrist, pushing it above his head. "Do I have to tie you down?"

Spike smirked, running his tongue over his teeth. "I'm more than willing if that's what you want, pet."

Buffy's eyes widened, that answer not the one she'd been expecting. And yet, it sent a thrill up her spine. The thought of Spike tied up, at her mercy… She licked her lips. If she hadn't been so caught up in the moment, she would've been shocked at how brazen she was being. Sex for her in the past had always been soft touches in the dark, nothing pushing much past the box clearly marked "vanilla." But Spike was making her want something different, something that stirred parts of her that she'd never known were there.

"I have silk scarves in my closet."

"Get them."

Buffy stood on shaky legs, hurrying into her bedroom. She went into her closet, ripping open her drawer and pulling out two scarves. Her excitement and trepidation were mixing at the thought of doing this, flipping around in her stomach. She refused to let herself think too much about it, knowing that if she did, her fear of doing something wrong would keep her from doing what she wanted.

Spike had waited patiently for her, and the sight of him stretched out on her couch, ready for her to tie him up and have her way with him was enough to almost make her knees buckle. She straddled him again, his waist this time, and moaned as she felt his cock brush against her folds.

"You're really okay with this?" she asked, a scarf in her hand.

"Oh yeah. You have no idea how much…"

Buffy swallowed, telling herself she could do this. Spike obviously found her sexy and desirable, and he wanted what she was doing to him. No reason to feel self conscious or nervous. She just had to keep remembering that…

Buffy thought about how many times she had complained about the metal frame of her cheap couch. She hated that it had bars on either end instead of proper arm rests, and had found it to be the object of her discomfort on more than one occasion.

But now as she wrapped a scarf around each of his wrists and bound them to that same metal bar, she was grateful for it. Seeing Spike like this was just too damn hot. "That comfy enough for you, baby?" she asked as she made the final pull on a scarf.

"It's perfect, kitten." He grinned at her. "So are you going to do naughty things to me now that you have me all trussed up and at your mercy?"

"I was thinking about fucking you into next week." She winked. "As soon as you beg me, that is…"

Spike wondered for a moment if he really hadn't woken up and this was just one very realistic, very good dream. Or maybe he'd somehow died in his sleep and had actually managed to wake up in heaven… Either way, he was a damn happy man. "Buffy…"

Buffy moved her hips up and down slowly a few times, letting Spike rub against her without actually entering her. He moaned, his eyes rolling back in his head. "Mmm…that feels so good," Buffy moaned, her husky voice making Spike tremble. "Does that feel good to you, too?"

"Yes…" Spike replied, fighting to keep from begging for more. He needed to see what else she'd do.

Buffy moved back, Spike whimpering at the loss of her heat. She grasped his penis, wrapping her small fingers tightly around it. "You're so beautiful. You know that? Your cock is amazing. I love this big vein that runs through it right here…" She traced her finger up the vein, then followed the path with her tongue. Spike cried out, his hips bucking.

"Yeah," Buffy continued. "So beautiful. And so…delicious." She took the head into her mouth, moaning around it. Spike's eyes widened as he felt the last of his control slipping. If she did that one more time…

She did. And she added a swirl of her tongue, too.

"Buffy…baby, please. Fuck me, kitten. Fuck me good and hard."

Buffy smiled in triumph, loving that she could bring him to this. He was pulling against the scarves, his hips thrusting desperately towards her. She reached down beside the couch and picked the condom up from where she'd dropped it, ripping it from the package and sliding it down his length.

She poised herself over the top, letting the thick, weeping head slid inside her before she stopped, looking down at him. "This what you wanted?"

Spike groaned. His Buffy had definitely found her vixen side. He flexed his hands in their bonds, wanting to touch her heated flesh, but getting off from being at her mercy like this at the same time. "More. Please, Buffy, more… Need you so bad, pet."

Oh yeah, Buffy thought. This was definitely something she was enjoying. She lowered herself a little further, taking in another inch before looking down at him with wide, mock-innocent eyes. "Is that what you wanted?"

"Oh fuck, more… Take it all in, kitten. Take all my cock in that tight little pussy of yours…"

His words went right through her, and Buffy dropped down on him, crying out as he filled her so completely. Even as wet and ready as she'd been, he felt enormous inside of her, stretching her to her limits. She fell into a fast rhythm almost immediately, grinding her clit against Spike's pelvis with every downward thrust. Soon, she was riding him in an almost frenzy, cries and moans ripped from her throat.

Spike watched her through eyes glazed with lust. She was gorgeous, her head tossed back with her long, dark hair spilling down her back, tickling his legs. Bound as he was, he could do nothing but enjoy the show, watching her as she rode him to her own pleasure.

Suddenly Buffy stilled, then screamed as her hips bucked frantically. Her inner muscles squeezed him almost painfully as she came, and it was more than Spike could take. He came hard inside of her, his hands straining at his bonds until his whole body went limp.

Buffy collapsed on top of him, the only sound in the room that of their harsh, uneven breaths. Finally, Spike spoke.

"Uh, pet…you think maybe you could untie me?"

*** *** ***

Buffy walked out of the bathroom, toweling her recently-washed hair. Her gaze drifted over to the couch, and she blushed a bright red. Had she honestly tied Spike up and ridden him like a prized stallion? What the hell had gotten into her?

Spike walked out of the bathroom then, a towel slung low against his hips. Oh yeah… That's what had gotten into her. Her blush faded as she focused on the sight in front of her. A drop of water rolled down his chest, and she found herself wanting to lick it off.

That was one hell of a man. And he was hers. Could it get any yummier?

"Whatcha thinkin', luv?" Spike asked.

"How damn sexy you are," Buffy purred, licking her lips as she looked him up and down. Yeah, he'd officially turned her into a little lust bunny…

"Glad you finally decided to notice."

"Oh, I noticed a long time ago, buddy. I noticed way back at the wedding."

"Ha! I knew it." Spike smiled at her for a moment, before his expression got suddenly serious. "Buffy, what are we going to tell our parents?"

Buffy frowned. Parents were not exactly something she wanted to think about right now. "We're not," she said.

"We're not going to tell them? Anything?"

"Nope. Not a damn thing," Buffy replied. "Not like my mother pays any attention to me anyway. Well, unless she's calling to gripe at me about something."

Spike took a deep breath, and then let it out slowly. "I don't know about you, but I plan on this lasting a long time. And being the sort of relationship that would be a bit difficult to hide from family members…"

Buffy sighed. "I know. And me, too. I just… Mom'll freak. I know she's started thinking of you in a son sort of way recently, and us together will just creep her out. And I doubt your father will jump up and down at the idea. They'll make things all stressful, and I don't want us to be stressful. I want us to be happy."

"If you don't want them to know, then I won't tell them," Spike said. "But they're going to find out sooner or later, and it'll be a bigger deal if they find out we've been hiding it."

"I know, but just…not now, all right? Later?"

Spike knew "no" wasn't a word he could say easily to her—if at all. "Fine. But get used to the idea of having to tell them."

"I will."

*** *** ***

Sorry I had to take a little break from this fic for a while. I had some personal reasons for it. But I'm working on it again now, and no, it's not near being finished. Buffy and Spike still have a lot to work though, and contrary to what some reviewers seemed to think, I'm not planning just to rehash the same old thing, or cause problems just for the sake of angst. Nor is there nothing left that I can possibly tell, as a few reviewers who apparently fancy themselves mind readers seemed to think… I have a story I wanted to tell, and it isn't finished yet. I've got a lot of ups and downs planned, and I hope you'll enjoy it.

It's been a while since this fic has been updated, and hopefully, I haven't lost all my readers. So please, let me know if you're still with me here, and I'll work on getting out the next chapter a whole lot sooner.
Chapter Fifteen by Addie Logan
Buffy felt the urge to scream and run away despite the fact that the very crowded hallway and the heels she was wearing probably meant it wouldn't end well for her.

But seeing Riley lumbering towards her, his mouth set in a grim line of determination made her want to chance it, heels be damned.

Before she could make her getaway, Riley was standing in front of her, glowering down. "Buffy, we need to talk."

"We do?" Buffy asked, taking a step backwards. "I thought we already said everything we were going to say."

"You screwed me over the other night, Buffy. I demand an explanation."

"Look, Riley, I'm sorry, but I don't have to give you one."

Riley took hold of her arm, pulling her over towards the wall and out of the stream of people filing from their classes. "Yes, you do. You ditched me for your brother, Buffy. I can't even begin to tell you how twisted that is."

Buffy groaned inwardly. What had she ever seen in this guy? "He's not really my brother," Buffy said, pulling her arm away from Riley.

"Why did you lie to me? Were you sleeping with him the whole time we were together?"

"Okay, for the record, we weren't 'together.' We were casually dating. And no, I wasn't."

"But you are now."

Buffy gaped. "How is that your business?"

"I want to know who he is, Buffy. Seeing as you humiliated me the other night in favor of him, I think you owe me that much."

Buffy sighed. "Fine. He's my step-father's son and he's been living with me for a while. Just roommates though, until recently."

"I thought you said he's not your brother," Riley said with a frown.

"He's not."

"But if he's your step-father's son, that makes him your step-brother.."

"Technically, I guess. But we didn't grow up together or anything, all right?"

Riley backed away from her, his hands slightly raised. "You are so not the girl I thought you were, Buffy. You're having that sort of relationship with your step-brother? Not to mention how he looks. He probably has some sort of VD…"

"Look, Riley, I understand that your ego got bruised," Buffy snapped, her eyes flashing with anger, "But you keep your judgments concerning my life to yourself."

"Whatever, Buffy. I'm just glad I learned the truth about you." Riley turned and walked away.

Buffy took a deep breath, telling herself to calm down. What right did he have to act like something was wrong with her just because she didn't fit into his idea of how people should behave? She was in love with Spike, and…

Buffy stopped her thought right there, her eyes growing wide. Yesterday it had been possibly falling in love and now she was all the way there? She frowned. No, that couldn't be right. It was too soon. She wasn't ready.

Only it was right. When she thought about Spike, she felt something stir deep inside her, something she'd only felt once before. She loved him. Somewhere in the midst of everything that had happened since he'd shown up on her doorstep, she'd fallen in love.

A huge smile blossomed over her face as she practically floated to her next class. She was in love.

And if felt damn good.

*** *** ***

Buffy stopped outside her apartment door. She could hear Spike inside, singing and playing his guitar. It was muffled through the door and the wall, and she wanted to be closer, hear it clearly. She opened the door slowly, hoping that Spike wouldn't stop when she entered.

He did, leaving Buffy disappointed. She liked the sound of his voice, and had wanted the live show. "You don't have to stop on my account," Buffy said, shutting and locking the door behind her. She put her things on the kitchen table. "I heard you out in the hallway. Sounded nice."

Spike was sitting against the wall under the window, guitar in his lap. "I was just working on a new song."

"Can I hear it?" Buffy asked.

Spike shifted. "I just started it. It's really rough. Haven't gotten all the words yet."

Buffy came over and sat on the floor across from him. "I can give you feedback."

Spike hesitated for a moment. "All right. Just don't laugh too hard if it's horrible, okay?"

"It won't be horrible."

"We'll have to see if you still think that in a minute, pet," Spike said with a nervous chuckle.

"I will."

"I just started writing it today…"

"Spike, sing the damn song."

That got her a glare that quickly melted into a smile. He started strumming the guitar and Buffy leaned back on her hands, listening.

"In, I'm falling in again
I didn't want to
Not so fast, boy
Slow
Don't wanna hurt the girl…"

He stopped singing, though he kept playing the guitar. "Don't know where to go with rest of that verse, but I have the chorus."

"Sing it then. I like it so far," Buffy said.

"And I get blinded when she opens the door
It's like the sun looking in, you know
And I'm blinkin', mumblin', starin' at my shoes
And she just looks at me and smiles
Smiles, smile."

He stopped playing, watching her with badly-concealed nervousness. "So?"

"I like it. Really. It's very pretty." Buffy glanced down, then asked softly, "Is it about me?"

"Well, yeah. You've been quite the muse since you came into my life, kitten."

Buffy looked up again. "Really?"

"Yeah. Probably has something to do with the fact that you're just about all I ever bloody think about. Seems like no matter where I am, what I'm doing, there you are. My mind has turned into the all-Buffy channel."

Buffy leaned in, her face inches away from his. "And could this all-Buffy channel be shown on network television?"

Spike gave her a leer, leaning in until their lips were almost touching. "Oh no, baby. We're talkin' premium channel here."

"Mmm…care to give me a free preview?"

Spike tossed his guitar off his lap, his lips on hers as he tackled Buffy to the ground.

*** *** ***

"Okay, next time we do this on the floor, I am so on top," Buffy said, shifting uncomfortably. "I have carpet burn."

"Sorry, pet," Spike said, kissing the top of her head. "Guess we should've aimed for the bed."

"Nope, couldn't have made it that far. I wanted you right then and there."

Spike grinned. "Well, it's nice to know I have that effect on my girl."

"You have quite an effect on me," Buffy said. "I've never been this way with anyone. I want you constantly. Even when you're inside me, it's like it can never be enough." She glanced down. "Not that he's not more than enough, 'cause wow, weren't you blessed in that department, but…"

Spike tightened his arms around her. "I know, kitten. Feels the same way with me. Can't get my fill of you."

Worry crossed over Buffy's features. "Do you think you ever will?"

"Get my fill of you? Don't think so. You set me on fire, Buffy. You make everything brighter, more intense. Just thinking about you makes me feel things I never could've imagined."

"What about that woman you told me about before. The one in England."

Spike stiffened slightly beside her. "Drusilla."

"Yeah. Her."

"Dru wasn't like you, Buffy. I loved her, but she…she wasn't warm like you are. I used to call her my dark princess. That's what she was. All darkness and cold comfort. But being with you, Buffy…it's like tasting sunshine." Spike moved slightly so he was over her, looking down into her eyes. "It may be too soon for this, and it might scare you off, and if it does, know that I'm running after you, but…" He took a deep breath. "I love you, Buffy."

Buffy blinked. "You…you do?"

"Yes. But I'll understand if it's too soon, and you…"

Buffy silenced him with a kiss. "I love you, too," she said when she pulled away.

Spike looked down at her in shock. "Really?"

"Yeah. And I get the whole sudden thing, because hey, we've only been together a couple of days, but I do. I've been falling in love with you since the day you showed up here, I think."

Spike kissed her forehead. "I fell in love with you the moment I saw you. Just took me a while to realize it."

"Back at the wedding?" Buffy asked with a frown. "That was years ago…"

"I know." Spike caressed her cheek. "Saw you dancin', up in your window. You were amazing. Such fire. Beauty and strength. Called to me, you did."

"And yet you were a total jerk when you actually met me."

"Well, you weren't exactly Miss Charming."

"What happened to beauty and strength and fire, huh?" Buffy teased.

"I think that was the fire," Spike said, dropping a kiss on her nose.

"So you like my inner bitch, huh?"

Spike quirked his eyebrow. "Inner?"

Buffy lightly slapped his chest. "Watch it, mister. Cause if I wasn't all boneless right now, I'd so kick your ass."

"Mmm…pretty words, pet," he replied, nipping at her lip with his teeth.

Buffy rolled her eyes. "Perv."

"Oi. You were into the bondage thing yesterday."

Buffy tried not to blush. "Your point?"

"My point is maybe you like me being a perv, baby."

"Never said I didn't," Buffy replied, giggling as she pushed up against him.

"That's my girl," Spike said, his voice deep as he kissed her again.

After a moment, Buffy pulled away, her brow furrowed. Spike could tell there was something on her mind other than another round of mind blowing sex… "What is it?"

"Why were you such a jerk at the wedding? I've gotten to know you now, and you aren't like that. So why act that way then?"

Spike rolled off of her, lying beside Buffy on the floor and staring up at the cracked ceiling. "It was because of my mum. I felt…it felt like my father was replacing her."

"She…she died, didn't she?" Buffy asked softly.

"Yeah. She had lung cancer. Never smoked a day in her life, but it got her anyway. I was just a boy when she died, and we were close. I certainly wasn't over it then, and I didn't think he should be either."

"I…I don't think he really got over it. Not like that. When…when someone you love dies you don't really get over it. But you learn to keep living. Learn…learn to move on."

Spike turned on his side, facing her. "I know. More now than I did then… And I don't hold that against him anymore. But I was hurting then, and I took it out on you and your mum. I'm sorry for that."

Buffy gave him a small smile. "Don't be. It's okay."

Spike kissed her gently. "I love you."

"I love you, too."

*** *** ***

Buffy watched Spike as she slept, a smile tugging at her lips. He looked so beautiful like this, all of the bad boy image he tried so hard to project during the waking hours gone. He looked like an angel.

Angel…

Buffy closed her eyes, a shiver going through her at the thought of her first love. At one time, she'd thought he'd be her last love, too. Even when he was gone and she was alone. But now…

She traced Spike's cheekbone softly, wanting to touch him but careful not to wake him. Despite her best efforts to guard her heart, she was in love. She was already so far gone, and yet she could feel herself falling deeper every day.

Carefully, she got out of the bed, watching as Spike reached out for her even in sleep, a frown marring his face at the loss of her heat. She pressed a kiss against his forehead, watching as he relaxed again.

Buffy walked over to her dresser, opening up her jewelry box and taking out the top layer. She reached behind her and grasped the clasp of the chain she wore around her neck, undoing it with shaky hands. She pulled it off, staring at the Claddagh as it now rested against her skin.

In the years since Angel's death, this was the first time she'd taken the ring from around her neck. She hadn't been able to bring herself to before. It had felt too much like forgetting him…

But she wasn't forgetting. She was moving on. She was living

She turned to Spike, watching him as he slept in their bed. It was time for her to make this step, to face the future instead of the past.

"Goodbye," she said softly before dropping the ring into the jewelry box.

Buffy let out a long, slow breath before rejoining Spike.

*** *** ***

Please, please, please review. I can't stress how important feedback is…

Song is "Smile" by James Marsters.
Chapter Sixteen by Addie Logan
Buffy was surprised at how quickly her life had turned around. It was hard to believe only a few months ago she'd been alone and broken. But since she'd gotten with Spike, everything had seemed to change. She was no longer lonely, and every day no longer felt like a struggle. Anya was getting her store off the ground, which meant Buffy no longer had to suffer through working for Snyder. Her life was as perfect as if had been in a very long time.

Which was exactly why she didn't want to do anything to upset the status quo. One wrong move, and she was sure she'd go back to being as miserable as she had been before.

She sat on the couch, staring at the tickets in her hands, a sense of dread washing over her. She looked over at Spike, her eyes wide. "Can't we just stay here? It's really nice at Christmas time, you know. They have a big tree."

"Pet, you haven't been back home since you came here. And it's Christmas. Anya's giving you time off and everything," Spike said.

"It's a pretty tree. Lights and everything."

"I've seen it on the telly."

Buffy sighed. "I left there for a reason, you know. My mother—not really on the top of my list of people I want to see."

"I know." Spike reached out and placed his hand on top of hers. "It's not just your mum that's there. Dawn really misses you."

Buffy blinked. "She does? I figured she'd be thrilled getting to live like an only child."

"Only on the outside," Spike replied with a wink. "She does miss you. And my da worries about you all the way out here."

"Really?"

"Yeah. There are people back in Sunnydale that love you, Buffy. Your mum included, even with the rocky past you two have."

Buffy sighed. "I know. It's just…it'll be difficult. And I don't know if I can be around you and not act like I'm with you."

Spike pulled his hand away. "So we're still a secret then."

"Spike…honey, don't look like that. It's not because I'm ashamed of us or anything. It's just…well, I know my mom's going to make a big deal out of it, and I really don't want there to be anymore stress than there already will be."

"They're going to have to know sooner or later, and this could be the perfect time to tell them," Spike replied. "We'll be there, so they can see us together—get more used to the idea."

"She'll flip, Spike. And then the whole trip will be really, really awkward."

"We're not leaving for another week. We could call them ahead of time, let them…"

"No."

"You know, Buffy, we're going to be there for five days. Do you really think we can go that long without as much as a kiss?"

Buffy bit her bottom lip. Since that first night, they'd rarely gone even as many as two days without having sex. She knew five days would drive her to the point of either tearing all his clothes off or spontaneously combusting. "We'll just have to be secretive about it."

"So what, I sneak into your bedroom and ravish you when your mum's asleep?"

"Could be fun…"

Spike sighed. "But I don't want that with you, pet. And I'm not even sure I could keep that up. It's so natural for me to just take your hand, or brush your hair out of your eyes. It's little things like that that are going to give us away."

"Then you'll just have to be really careful about what you do around our parents," Buffy said. She frowned. "And calling them 'our parents' sounds really creepy."

"Little bit, yeah," Spike replied with a similar expression on his face.

"You dad and my mom," she amended.

"Better," Spike agreed. "You know, they might be happy for us. Your mum does like me."

"She thinks of you as a son," Buffy replied. "Just trust me when I say she'd wig."

"So when do you plan on telling them then? When their first grandchild is born?"

Buffy's eyes bugged. "When what? Since when are we having kids?"

Spike stood up. "I suppose never, since this apparently isn't all that important to you."

"What!?" Buffy exclaimed. "How can you say that? You know I love you, Spike."

"Then why can't you tell your mum? She'll get used to the idea soon enough."

"Spike, please. You know how things were when I left home. This trip back is going to be hard enough without any added stress."

"Oh, so now I'm added stress?" Spike asked angrily.

"No! You're not that at all! I just meant…"

"Yeah, I think I know what you meant," Spike said, turning around and walking towards the door.

"Where are you going?" Buffy called after him.

"Don't know. Just…someplace else," Spike replied.

Buffy got up from the couch, running and pushing herself against the door to block it. "Spike, please."

"Get out of my way, Buffy."

"Spike, I'm sorry. I just can't do this with my mother right now. Just try to understand, please. Please…"

Her eyes were filling with tears, and Spike felt his anger quickly being replaced with a need to comfort her. He pulled her into his arms, her head going against his chest. "Don't cry, kitten. I'll stay."

"Don't think this means I don't love you, because I do," Buffy said, wrapping her arms tightly around him. And you're not more stress. If anything, you've taken so much of my stress away. It's just my mother. Seeing her again is going to be really difficult, and I need to minimize the complications."

Spike closed his eyes for a moment before opening them again and responding. "I know. And if that's what you need, I'll give it to you."

Buffy looked up at him, her eyes damp. "You will?"

Spike wiped a tear away from her cheek with his thumb. He never could tell a crying woman no… "'Course. And it's only for a few days. We'll be back here to our normal life together soon."

Buffy gave him a small smile. "Yeah." Her smile changed as she pulled back slightly, placing her hands against his chest. "And think about just how much I'll owe you."

Spike grinned, his tongue curling over his teeth. "Owe me, huh?"

"Oh yeah. This constitutes a big, big favor."

Spike reached down to cup her ass, pulling her forward so she was flush against him. "I'm going to hold you to that," he said, his voice low and making her shiver.

"Think maybe I could work off a little of that now?" Buffy asked, rubbing herself slowly against him.

Without a word, Spike reached for the waistband of the sweatpants she was wearing, pulling both them and her panties off before hoisting her up against the wall. Her legs went around his hips, her mouth meeting his in a savage kiss as he unzipped his jeans, pulling his cock out into play. Buffy cried out, clinging to him tightly as he slid inside of her, wasting no time in finding his rhythm.

It amazed her how quickly she could reach the point of desperation with him—and how often it happened. All he had to do was give her a look, and she was his. The fact that he was pounding into her against the front door and anyone who walked down the hall would probably know exactly what was going on in there didn't seem to matter in the least. She wanted him, needed him.

Oh yeah, five days of restraint was going to be difficult.

"Buffy…" Spike moaned by her ear. Buffy trembled at the sound, her hands clutching his shoulders tighter. "So bloody hot, kitten. Every time…"

His voice was always enough to make her weak in the knees, but the way it sounded when he was inside her, so rough with desire… She moaned, pulling him as close as she could. "Talk to me, baby. Tell me how it feels."

"So bloody good," Spike groaned in response. "So tight…so hot. Perfect… Could fuck you forever… Buffy…Buffy… My angel…my everything… Love you…love you so much."

Buffy cried out in orgasm, her body shaking heavily as Spiked continued to drive into her until he found his own release, calling out her name as he did.

Spike could feel Buffy's hold on him slipping, and he knew the strength he had in his own legs was waning as well. He let her slip long enough to refasten his jeans before picking her up and carrying her into the bedroom, sitting her down on the edge of the bed. Buffy pulled off her shirt and bra as Spike undressed. He then climbed into the bed with her, pulling her into his arms and bringing the covers up around them.

*** *** ***

"Are you excited about going home for the first time in two years?" Willow asked as she and Buffy ate lunch together the next day.

"Right now, I'm thinking more about that last final I have to take in an hour," Buffy replied, poking at her salad with her fork.

Willow waved her hand dismissively. "You'll ace that. You've been doing great in that class all semester."

"Yes, but it's sixty percent of my grade, so if I bomb it, it won't really matter how I did the rest of the semester."

"You'll do fine." Willow paused for a moment before asking, "Your parents don't know about you and Spike, do they?"

"No," Buffy replied, shaking her head. "Spike thinks we should tell them while we're there, but then it'll just be this big thing, and it'll make the whole trip even tenser than it's already going to be."

"What makes you think it's going to be tense?" Willow asked.

"Because my mother will be there," Buffy answered. "That woman and me in the same room—automatic tension."

Willow frowned. She knew Buffy and her mother had had a falling out, but she'd never learned the details. "It's been two years, Buffy," she said. "Maybe she's gotten over whatever you two were fighting about."

"That's not the problem, Wills. I haven't gotten over it. What happened…what she did…it's not something I think I can ever forgive her for."

"Do you want to go at all?" Willow asked.

"Yes and no," Buffy replied with a sigh. "Spike told me Dawn misses me, and I miss her, too. And I would like to see Giles. But I left for a reason, and the thought of going back makes me really nervous. I don't want to have to dredge up the past."

"It'll only be for a few days," Willow said. "And then you'll be back here and won't have to worry about any of that crazy home stuff."

"I hope you're right, 'cause I'm not sure how much of my mother I can take without snapping. And trying to hide how close Spike and I are is going to be really difficult."

"Especially since the two of you seem to have magnets in your lips," Willow teased with a smile.

"We're not that bad." Buffy paused. "Are we?"

Willow chuckled. "Nah. You're just obviously very much in love—with a healthy dose of lustiness thrown in."

"Good, because if you think we're bad in public, you should see us where we're alone." Buffy frowned. "Or not, 'cause voyeur Willow—kinda creepy."

Willow rolled her eyes. "Trust me, I can go on just fine without knowing what the two of you do behind closed doors. I'm scarred enough from Anya's in-depth descriptions of what she does with Xander."

"I'm still trying to block out the story about the sex swing," Buffy muttered.

"No luck for you either, huh?"

"Nope."

"At least we can suffer together," Willow said with a smile.

"Guess that's something." Buffy ate the last couple bites of her salad before standing up. "Hey, I'm going to head on over to my exam. I want to get there early so I can go over a few things in my notes one last time."

"Okay. I was about to do that myself," Willow replied. She gave Buffy a wink. "Break a pencil."

Buffy laughed. "You, too."

*** *** ***

"Smells good in here," Buffy said as she walked into the apartment. She smiled at Spike as he looked up from the stove. "Hey, baby."

"Hey. How'd your last two exams go?"

"I think they went well," Buffy replied. "I didn't leave any huge sections blank. And there's the glorious knowledge that I will never have to sit in Professor Walsh's class ever again." She put her books down on the table and walked up to Spike, kissing his cheek. "You're such a sweetie. Making dinner."

"Also went by the video store and picked up a copy of The Cutting Edge. Figured you could use a quiet night in."

"Ooh. I love that movie."

"I know. You and your ice skating obsession… Why do you think I got it?"

Buffy wrapped her arms around his waist. "You do know you're the best boyfriend ever, don't you?"

"I've had my suspicions."

Buffy gave him a quick kiss before pulling away. "Do I have time for a shower before dinner?"

"Sure, pet. Go wash away the last of that finals stress," Spike replied.

"Okay. I'll be out in a few." Buffy smiled as she walked towards the bathroom. This was perfect, just the way she wanted her life to stay. But any change could disrupt everything, and she couldn't take that. She needed this too much.

She let out a deep breath, hoping that they could make it through whatever they had to face back in California.

*** *** ***

Yes, this story is back. And I've already started work on the next chapter, so hopefully it won't be so much time between posts again. This story just tends to be very hard for me to write, and I have lots of blocks, which is why it's been taking so long.

Please review!
Chapter Seventeen by Addie Logan
"Did I ever tell you I'm terrified of flying?" At Spike's raised eyebrow, Buffy continued. "Really. Horribly afraid. It makes me…hyperventilate. And…and there's hives. All over my body. It's just a mess."

"Buffy, they're calling our row. Get your arse on the plane."

Buffy glared at Spike. "You're a meanie."

"Plane. Now."

Buffy sighed as she stood up, picking up her carry-on bag. "You're evil."

Spike grinned. "I'm just a bad, rude man. Now get on the bloody plane."

As they approached the door, Buffy wished they were on their way home instead of leaving. "We can still do Christmas here. Big tree…"

"Buffy, if you don't get on that plane of your own free will, I will throw you over my shoulder and carry you on."

With a resigned sigh, Buffy walked to the attendant and handed over her ticket.

*** *** ***

Buffy was bored. They'd had a stop in Atlanta, and now they were flying into LAX before continuing on to Sunnydale. She felt like they'd been in the air forever, and to make it worse, the in-flight movie really sucked. She doubted it would've been any better if she'd paid the five dollars for the headset so she could actually hear the stupid thing.

Spike was resting in the seat beside her, his eyes closed. The closer they got to Sunnydale, the tenser she felt, and she needed something to release that tension. She blushed as a rather naughty idea popped into her head, but once it was here, she couldn't make it go away.

She glanced around the plane, noting that most of the passengers were either asleep or engrossed in the horrible movie, and the few that weren't had their noses stuck in a book or newspaper. She took a deep breath, telling herself she could do this, and shook Spike lightly.

His eyes opened. "Something wrong, pet?"

His voice was low, almost husky, and Buffy liked the sound of her plan even more. She leaned in, whispering in his ear, "Go to the bathroom in the back of the plane. I'll meet you there in a few minutes."

Spike looked at her in confusion for a moment before realization set in and his eyes widened. "You serious, kitten?"

Buffy nodded. "You up for it?"

"When am I not?" he asked with a leer. He kissed her quickly before unbuckling his seatbelt and jumping up. "See you in a few."

Buffy waited nervously in her seat as the minutes ticked by. No one was looking at her, but she was sure they knew what she was thinking. Could she actually go through with this?

She thought about Spike, waiting for her in the one place where they could be alone right now and knew she could.

Buffy got up and walked confidently towards the back of the plane, certain any nervousness would give her away. She looked around, making sure no one was paying attention before knocking softly on the door.

Spike opened up and pulled her in, his mouth on hers as soon as the door was shut and locked behind them. His hands were fumbling with her zipper as she kicked off her shoes. Once he had her pants open, he pulled them down, pushing her against the sink and dropping to his knees in front of her.

At the first feel of his mouth between her legs, Buffy bit her lip to keep from crying out. Spike was good at what he was doing, and it took all the willpower she had to keep quiet.

Spike looked up to see the tortured look on her face and smiled against her. He loved driving her crazy… He took her clit in his teeth, pulling it gently, and her eyes shot open as she whimpered. Knowing if he kept it up Buffy was going to give them away, he stood, turning her around so she was facing the mirror.

Buffy grabbed hold of the side of the sink as Spike unbuttoned his jeans and pushed inside her from behind, his hand going over her mouth to muffle the sounds she couldn't help but make. Her eyes went to the erotic image they cast in the mirror. Something about the sight and feel of his hand on her mouth was making her hotter than hell.

Spike knew he wouldn't last long. He'd never had sex on an airplane before, and the novelty of the situation had gotten him revved up very quickly. He reached around Buffy's waist, his hand trailing down to find her clit, stroking it until he felt her pussy clamp down hard around his cock, her cry of completion muffled by his hand. He came inside her with a grunt, fighting the urge to call her name loud enough for the whole plane to hear.

Buffy slumped forward on the sink as Spike pulled out of her. "God, that was freaking hot," she said.

"Fuck yeah," Spike replied between pants. "Glad you thought of it."

"Me, too."

Spike re-buttoned his jeans. "You want me to go back first? Give you a chance to clean up and get your clothes back on?"

"Yeah," Buffy replied. She turned around, giving Spike a long kiss. "You're so good, baby," she purred. "You make me come so damn hard every time."

Spike grinned. He loved it when she was like this, all laid back and sexually satisfied. "That's 'cause I love making you come, pet," he said, placing his hands on her still-bare hips. "Love makin' you feel that good."

"Mmm…" Buffy gave him one more kiss before moving away as much as the small space they were in would let her. "You better go before we start all over again."

Spike nodded. "See you back at the seats."

After Spike left, Buffy freshened up and put her pants and shoes back on. When she left the bathroom and went back down the aisle, she caught a couple of people glance her way, and knew they probably did know what she'd been up to with Spike, but she didn't care anymore. She just smiled like a woman who'd just gotten it good and went back to sit down by her gorgeous boyfriend.

*** *** ***

When Buffy and Spike walked from the terminal, they found Dawn and Giles waiting for them. Dawn ran to the pair, wrapping an arm around each of them and squeezing. "Couldn't decide which of you to hug first," she said. "It's so good to see you guys."

Spike ruffled her hair. "Good to see you, too, niblet."

Giles approached the three of them, holding his hand out to his son. "William."

Spike shook his father's hand. "Rupert."

"When will you stop calling me that and start calling me father?"

"Probably whenever you start calling me Spike, like I've asked you to a million times."

"Off the plane for five bloody minutes…" Giles stopped, turning away from Spike. Buffy noticed a twitch in Giles's jaw, and couldn't help but smile as she realized it was the same twitch that Spike got whenever he was angry. It disappeared, however, as Giles looked at her, smiling. "Buffy. It's so good to see you again," he said, embracing her.

Buffy hugged him back. "You, too."

Dawn was practically bouncing, her excitement over having her whole family together for Christmas too much to be contained. "Some guy was talking about people having sex in the bathroom of a plane," she blurted out. "Was that your flight?"

Giles didn't miss how red Buffy turned at Dawn's question. He frowned, but shook off his immediate suspicions.

"Must've been another plane, bit," Spike replied quickly, trying to cover what Buffy's obvious embarrassment wasn't. "There wasn't any action on ours at all."

"I can't believe someone would do that on an airplane full of people anyway," Dawn said. "I mean, can't they just keep their pants on until the plane lands?"

Buffy's face grew redder, and Giles cleared his throat. "Why don't we go get your luggage?" he suggested.

"Yes, luggage," Buffy replied, happy for the subject change. "We should get luggage."

As they started to walk off, Giles noticed Spike rest his hand on the small of Buffy's back for a moment before dropping it quickly, as if remembering where he was. Couple that with Buffy's reaction to bringing up what she'd overheard… No, Giles decided, he wasn't going to jump to any conclusions. Neither his son nor Buffy had said anything to indicate that they were involved romantically, and he had no right to assume—even if it would explain why William had continued to live in Buffy's apartment despite how adamantly she had been against it in the beginning.

He glanced over at them, noticing that Dawn was walking between them now, talking animatedly about something. While the two girls were not his by blood, he considered all three of them his children, and the thought that two of them may be sleeping together was bothersome. He resolved to put those thoughts right out of his mind.

It was a resolution that lasted as long as it took for Spike to discover his luggage had somehow ended up in San Diego. They had been promised that it would be delivered to them by the morning, but Spike had not been happy. It had become the subject of an argument between Buffy and Spike on the way to the car, which Giles overheard.

"I told you I didn't want to check the bloody thing in the first place."

"And I told you when we were packing that I was not trying to go through security with a bag full of safety pins and those boots of yours. We'd probably end up spending the whole day getting interrogated."

"And I told you that I made it through sodding customs with those clothes in that bag—shoes, safety pins, and all."

"I don't know why you're being such an ass about this. They're just in San Diego. You'll get them back. I've got your toothbrush in my carry-on bag, and you tend to either sleep naked or pass out in your jeans anyway. Not like you'll need anything that's in the bag until tomorrow."

"I'm not checking it on the way home."

Giles tuned out the rest of the conversation. Any chance he'd had at denying what was going on between those two was gone now. They didn't bicker like roommates, or even siblings. They bickered like a couple. Not to mention the fact that Buffy had packed Spike's toothbrush and knew he slept in the nude…

They didn't seem to be in any rush to divulge the truth about their relationship, and Giles decided he was fine with keeping it that way. He thought of them as his children, but they were both adults, and neither shared blood nor had been raised as siblings. What they did behind closed doors was neither his business nor something he wanted to think about.

Still, Giles knew he was going to need a strong drink when he got home, and probably several more before the holiday was over.

*** *** ***

Buffy was surprised to find herself actually a little excited to be home when she walked through the front door. She allowed herself a moment to savor it, closing her eyes, breathing in deeply, and remembering a time when her life had been simpler.

Then she heard her mother's voice and it was ruined.

Joyce had gone to Spike first, hugging him and apologizing for not being able to meet them at the airport. She then turned to her daughter, but didn't move to embrace her, simply stating, "Buffy. Your hair is brown."

"It has been for two years," Buffy replied.

"Well, I had no way of knowing that since I haven't seen as much as a picture of you in that long," Joyce said, her tone cold.

Buffy had told herself when she'd been on her way here that she didn't care what her mother thought of her. She'd been convinced that she could make it so Joyce's words and actions wouldn't affect her one way or another. But now that she was actually standing in front of her, that resolution was gone. She hadn't missed how chilly her mother's attitude was or that she'd hugged Spike and not her, and it hurt.

Spike cleared his throat, noticing the tension between mother and daughter. "So where are we sleeping? I'm sure Buffy would like to put her things down."

"Where is your luggage, Spike?" Joyce asked with concern. "Certainly you brought some…"

"It took the scenic route through San Diego," Spike replied. "It'll be here soon."

"I thought perhaps we could put you both in Buffy's old room," Giles said, answering Spike's earlier question. He looked his son in the eye. "With you on an air mattress, of course."

"Rupert, I thought we'd agreed the girls would share the guest room and Spike would stay in Dawn's room," Joyce said.

"There's no reason to run Dawn out of her bedroom for a week," Giles replied. "Buffy and William have been living in close quarters with each other for a while now. I'm sure they'll be fine."

"That works, really. Let Dawnie keep her room," Spike said. "Come on, lu…Buffy." Spike started up the stairs with Buffy following closely behind.

"LuBuffy?" she teased softly once they were on the second floor. "Is that my name now?"

"Shut up, you. I never actually say that silly name of yours. Going to be damn hard to keep down the pet names."

"Silly? My name is not…" Buffy stopped as Spike opened the door to what had once been her room. The furniture was the same, but much of it had been rearranged and all of her things were gone. "They repainted," she said softly, the fact that her mother had referred to it as the "guest room" coming to her mind.

Spike saw the tears forming in Buffy's eyes and he shut the door, guiding her over to sit with him on the edge of the bed. "Hey. What's wrong?"

"I didn't expect her to be so cold," Buffy said. "Or more like I did, but I didn't think it would hurt so much. She doesn't want me here, Spike. My own mother doesn't love me anymore." She fell over on him, tears coming in earnest now.

Spike wrapped his arms around her, holding her close. "Shh. She loves you, pet. Things are just strained between the two of you and she doesn't know how to act."

"It feels more like she doesn't love me," Buffy sniffed.

"She does. Trust me. And this visit could be just what the two of you need, yeah?"

Buffy pulled away from him, wiping her eyes. "I don't think so. I think it's just gonna suck."

"Least we won't be sleeping without each other," Spike said, cupping her face. "It'll be pretty easy for me to sneak to your bed every night from an air mattress on the floor in the same room."

"Very true," Buffy replied. "I can't believe Giles suggested that."

"He knows about us," Spike told her.

Buffy paled. "Huh? Did you tell him—or did he tell you he knew?"

"We haven't talked about it," Spike replied.

"Then how can you be sure?" Buffy asked.

"Because I know my father. He figured it out at the airport."

"How?"

"Well, the fact that you turned into a tomato when Dawn mentioned the people having sex on a plane was probably sort of a tip off," Spike said.

"Oh my god! Giles knows we had sex on the plane!?"

Spike chuckled and kissed the tip of her nose. "It's all right, luv. He's probably as willing to forget he knows as we are to forget he knows. Besides, that's not all that gave it away. We're a pretty obvious couple, and the Giles men aren't idiots."

"But we weren't acting like we normally do," Buffy said.

"Well, usually there is a lot of groping which tends to make it noticeable, but even without that, it's how we interact with each other. Think about it—when you see two people you don't know, can't you often times tell if they're together even if they're not touching?"

Buffy sighed. "So Giles definitely knows. Great."

"I think it's all right. He did put us in here together after all, so he must not be too bothered. Probably gets all fidgety when he thinks about it, but he isn't freaking."

Buffy smirked. "I bet he does get all fidgety. His glasses are probably really clean right now." She paused, looking worried again. "Do you think he'll tell my mom?"

"Probably not. We haven't told him directly, so he can respect our privacy while telling himself he's not keeping secrets from Joyce because he doesn't actually 'know.'"

"So that's how the male mind works, huh?"

"Pretty much."

"You do know she wouldn't take it as well as he apparently is, don't you?" Buffy asked.

Spike thought about Joyce's attitude towards her daughter ever since they'd gotten there. "Yeah, I know."

Buffy leaned in and kissed him gently. "Guess we should go back downstairs before Giles thinks we're having sex again, huh?"

"Probably." Spike raised her chin with his finger so he was looking into her eyes. "I love you, Buffy."

"You said my 'silly' name," Buffy said, the corner of her mouth twitching in a smile.

"I did."

"I love you, too," she said, kissing him. "Now let's go socialize with the parents…"

*** *** ***

It didn't take me months to update. Aren't you proud of me? lol

Please review. I could really use a kind word or two right now…
Chapter Eighteen by Addie Logan
It was the first time that Buffy had sat down for a meal at this particular table in two years, and she found she wasn't exactly enjoying the trip down memory lane. Every time Giles glanced her way she blushed, unable to ignore the fact that he most likely knew she—along with his son—was now a member of the "Mile High Club."

And the fact that her mother had not said a single word to her the entire meal didn't help things much at all.

Dawn was her saving grace. The teenager's excitement hadn't gone down at all, and she spent most of the meal chattering away animatedly, earning her several admonitions from Joyce about talking with her mouth full that hadn't actually done anything to slow Dawn down in the least.

When dinner was over, Buffy began gathering up the dirty dishes, more from force of habit than anything else. That had always been her job before, and it seemed like it should still be.

But apparently it wasn't, as Joyce quickly stood and took the plates Buffy was holding from her stating, "I'll get them. I'm the one who lives here."

Buffy felt tears threaten to form in her eyes, but she pushed them down, not wanting her mother to see them. "I was just trying to help."

"Coming from you, Buffy, that would be a first," Joyce replied. "You've never thought of anyone but yourself."

The tears weren't going to stop this time, and Buffy turned and walked from the room, knowing her mother would probably label her a drama queen for the action, but deciding that was preferable to breaking down in the dining room.

Spike sucked in a breath and counted to ten, having heard somewhere that calmed anger. Instead, he found himself having had ten seconds to grow even angrier at the woman who'd made his Buffy cry. He stood up, pushing his chair in hard enough that the remaining dishes rattled on the table. "Girl's been through hell, Joyce. Might want to try a little motherly compassion."

Joyce was visibly startled by Spike's response. "Buffy chose to leave here," she replied after a moment. "She's the one who turned her back on her family."

"Can't imagine why, this bein' such a nurturing environment and all." Spike didn't wait for Joyce's reply as he stormed upstairs, finding Buffy sitting on the bed, her face buried in her hands.

Spike couldn't stand to see her cry. Just knowing she was hurting made his heart break, too. He regretted insisting they come to Sunnydale for the holiday. He should've listened to her when she'd told him her mother would be like this. After living with Joyce before, he hadn't thought her capable of being so cruel, but it was obvious now that he'd been wrong.

He wanted to get Buffy out of there, even if it could only be for a little while. She needed some fresh air and some time out from under the same roof as her mother. Only one place they could go popped into his head, and he figured it was a little silly, but better than nothing. "Want to go get some ice cream?"

Buffy looked up, her face tearstained. "Okay."

Spike held his arms out to her. "C'mere, kitten."

Buffy didn't care that the door was open when she ran into his embrace, hugging him tightly. She just wanted him holding her. She cried a little against his shoulder, though feeling Spike's arms around her was already making her feel better. It wasn't long before she looked up at him, sniffling. "Can we bring Dawnie?"

"'Course. Not even sure the bit would stay if we told her to. Probably hide under the car."

Buffy chuckled at that image. "Come on. Let's get Dawn and get out of here."

Joyce was in the kitchen, loudly cleaning up from dinner, and Giles and Dawn were in the living room, looking slightly afraid. "Hey da—is she still in the garage?" Spike asked

"Yes. And I've been taking care of her for you, don't worry," Giles replied. "Keys are by the door."

"Where are you going?" Dawn asked.

"Get ice cream," Buffy replied. "Wanna come with?"

Dawn glanced at Giles who gave her a small nod of permission before she hopped up, running over to Buffy and Spike. Spike gave his father a wave goodbye before walking with the two Summers girls to the front door, grabbing his keys on the way out.

"So what's in the garage?" Buffy asked as they walked towards it.

"His baby," Dawn replied with a roll of her eyes. "I have never seen anyone more in love with a car."

"She's a bloody good car," Spike said. He pulled open the garage door, walking over to the black 1959 Chrysler DeSoto Sportsman and stroking its hood. "Rupert taking good care of you, baby?"

"See, he even talks to it," Dawn said.

Spike shot her a look. "Your point?"

"That you're insane," Dawn replied.

"What exactly is the point to having such a big car?" Buffy asked. "It's not like you have to compensate for anything."

Buffy didn't realize what she'd just admitted to having intimate knowledge of until Dawn screeched, "Oh my god! It was the two of you on that plane!"

Buffy immediately turned bright red. "What? No!"

"It so was! You're blushing now just like you were at the airport. And apparently you know the size of his…" Dawn trailed off, blushing herself.

Spike said nothing, leaning against the car and waiting to see how this was going to play out between the two sisters.

"You cannot tell Mom," Buffy said.

Dawn rolled her eyes. "Well, duh. Mom would be such a spaz about the whole thing."

"So you're not going to freak about it?" Buffy asked.

"No. I mean, there's a bit of an ick factor since you're my sister and I think of him as my brother, but obviously you two don't have the sibling-type feelings for each other, so I can get past that," Dawn replied. "Besides, I love both you guys, and if you're happy together, then I think it's totally cool."

"We are happy together," Spike said. "I love your sister very much."

Dawn squealed. "This is so cool! And no wonder you went off on Mom after dinner, Spike."

Buffy turned towards him quickly. "You went off on my mom?"

Spike shrugged. "Just said a couple of things, is all."

"He totally stood up for you," Dawn said. "It was really cool."

Buffy walked over to Spike, kissing his cheek. "Thank you."

"Don't like people hurting my girl," Spike said, looking down.

"Okay, you guys are just too cute," Dawn said, grinning widely.

"So are we getting ice cream or standing around in the bloody garage all night?" Spike asked.

"Well, you think this car can make it out of the 'bloody garage,' then…" Buffy teased, attempting to mimic his accent.

"Oh, you are so gonna get it later, missy," Spike replied, shooting her a dirty look.

"Looking forward to it," Buffy replied with a wink.

"Okay, could you keep it down with the innuendos around me, please?" Dawn asked. "I'm totally okay with you two getting together, but the sex part—still kinda creepy."

Spike chuckled. "We'll try. Now into the car with both of you."

Buffy gave him a quick peck on the lips before walking around to the passenger's side of the DeSoto.

*** *** ***

"Wow. You know you're in Southern California when an ice cream place gets this much business two days before Christmas," Buffy said as they walked into the store.

"Yeah, well, you're living in the frozen North," Dawn said. "Probably have to wear parkas year round."

"Dawnie, I'm in New York, not Siberia," Buffy replied.

"Still cold." Dawn added with a grin, "Is it true sometimes it gets so cold that white stuff falls from the sky? Like in Christmas movies?"

"Ha ha, California girl," Buffy replied. "Go order."

After they'd gotten their ice cream and found a booth, Dawn watched as Buffy and Spike both gave each other tastes of theirs. In all honesty, she thought it was cute, but seeing as the little sister is was her sacred duty to be annoyed, she had to act as such. "Ew. Could you two like, not? I'm eating."

Buffy responded by giving her sister a dirty look and then pulling Spike into a long, slow kiss. Dawn rolled her eyes, trying to look put out but unable to keep a smile from creeping to her face. She hadn't seen Buffy this happy since before everything had started with Angel, and she was thrilled that her sister was doing so much better. Whatever Spike was doing to make the old Buffy come back, Dawn wanted him to keep doing it—even if it was things she so wasn't going to think about. "So how exactly did you two hook up?" Dawn asked, pulling Buffy away from her impromptu make-out session. "I know Giles and Mom's wedding was like forever ago, but you two didn't exactly get along then."

"We had lots of time to get to know each other," Buffy said. "Turns out he's not so bad after all."

Dawn grinned. "So give me details. What happened? Only, y'know keep it at least PG-13, 'cause delicate virgin ears and all."

Spike put his arm around Buffy's waist as she cuddled closer to him in the booth. "Well, I was sort of seeing someone else," Buffy began, "although I really liked Spike…"

"She was being damn stubborn about it, though," Spike interjected.

Buffy smacked his arm. "Hey, I'm telling the story."

"Well, you were," Spike muttered.

"Anyway, I'm on a double date with this guy, Riley, and we end up at the club where Spike's bad was performing that night. And oh god, he looked so hot on stage, but then he started singing to me and gah…"

"So that was what did it?" Dawn asked. "He sang to you and you were hooked?"

"Not quite yet," Buffy said. "That song made me all melty Buffy, but then later he sang a song he'd written for me."

"You wrote her a song!" Dawn exclaimed. "Spike, that's so sweet!" She frowned. "Unless it was raunchy. It wasn't raunchy, was it?"

"No," Spike said, looking a little offended. "It was not raunchy."

"It was a very sweet song," Buffy said with a smile.

"So then what happened?" Dawn asked, leaning forward on her elbows, good table manners going by the wayside for the promise of a romantic story.

"Riley was way not happy," Buffy continued. "He tried to drag me out of the club. But Spike jumped off the stage and made Riley leave me alone."

"Go Spike!" Dawn said. "So you guys got together then?"

"Yep," Buffy replied. "Although pretty much the whole rest of the night goes way over that PG-13 rating."

"In that case, I have plenty of details," Dawn replied. "And Spike, you totally have to let me hear that song."

"'Course, bit."

Dawn bounced in the booth. "Cool. I love hearing you sing."

"He does have a nice voice, doesn't he?" Buffy said, turning towards Spike to give him an adoring smile.

"It's all right," Spike said, looking down a bit, his normally cocky demeanor fading under the praise.

"Aww! He's bashful! That's so adorable!" Dawn exclaimed, earning her a dirty look from Spike.

"Gonna have both of you teasing me all week, aren't I?" Spike said.

"Yep," Buffy replied. "You'll have nowhere to run…nowhere to hide."

"I can think of worse fates."

Dawn watched as Buffy and Spike kissed again, although this time she decided to forgo the exaggerated gagging. She was too happy for them, too happy to know that they'd found something with each other. She turned her attention back to her ice cream, smiling as she ate.

*** *** ***

Buffy stared at the air mattress that Giles had set up on the floor of her old bedroom. "You think he's rigged it somehow? Like he's measured how much air is in it, and he'll be able to test it tomorrow and know if you slept on it or not?"

Spike gave her the look she'd dubbed his "are you daft?" look since that was often the phrase that accompanied it—although this time, the look stood alone. "I'm serious!" Buffy exclaimed with a pout.

"Kitten, if Rupert was really all that interested in me sleeping away from you, he would've put you and Dawn in here together and me alone in the other room. He knows as well as we do that this mattress is only going to be used to make where I'm really sleeping a little less obvious to your mum."

"Or it could be a trick to catch us in the act and make us admit that we're together," Buffy replied.

"No. He wouldn't do that. Not his style," Spike said. "He'd ask us to our faces, all official like. Not really one for subterfuge, my da."

"But…"

Spike sighed. "Just get in the bloody bed, Buffy. I'm tired, and I know you are, too."

"Fine, Mr. Grumpy Bear," Buffy muttered as she got into the bed and pulled the covers over her.

Spike stopped, his eyebrow arched. "What did you just call me?"

"Mr. Grumpy Bear," Buffy replied, giving him a look that dared him to challenge her.

"Last time I checked, I didn't have a soddin' rain cloud painted on my stomach." At his reply, Buffy broke out into a fit of giggles. "What's so bloody funny?"

"You know the Care Bears!"

"Well, yeah. I was a kid once, you know."

"You are so adorable." Buffy held her arms out to him. "Come here."

Spike got in on the other side of the bed, pulling her to him. "You're such a freak," he said lovingly, kissing the top of her head.

"But you love me anyway."

"Yeah, I do." Spike was silent for a while before he spoke again, asking her the question that was weighing on his mind. "Are you going to be okay this week? Do…do you need us to go back home?"

"I think I'll be okay," Buffy replied. "It's going to be hard, but…I like the time we've been spending with Dawn. I missed her. And I'll have you here."

"Yeah, you will. And if things get too bad, I'll have you out of here in a moment, Buffy. I promise. Won't make you have to be miserable."

"I love you, Spike."

"Love you, too," Spike replied, wrapping his arms tighter around her as their eyes closed.

*** *** ***

Please review. Let me know you're reading the story and want to see more of it!
Chapter Nineteen by Addie Logan
Buffy woke with the unfamiliar sensation that comes from waking up in a bed other than the one you're used to. It took her a moment to realize where she was before she relaxed, leaning back into Spike's tight embrace. No matter how they fell asleep, she always woke like this, snuggled into his warm, strong arms. His front was to her back, and she could feel him poking into her rear, making her unable to keep from rubbing against him.

"Mmm, feeling frisky this morning, kitten?"

Spike's voice made Buffy jump a little, as she had been unaware that he was actually awake. "Spike, we can't. Not here…"

Spike trailed his lips down her neck. "They won't know. We'll be real quiet like."

"Quiet like we were on the plane?" Buffy countered, even as she arched into his touch.

"Quieter, I promise," Spike replied, his hand slipping beneath the waistband of both her pajama bottoms and her panties.

Buffy grabbed his arm, pulling his hand back up. "Not here. It's too weird with them in the house."

"I've done it before with them home and they've never noticed."

Buffy jumped out of the bed at that, snatching her robe from where she'd placed it over the back of a chair the night before and then cinching it tightly around her waist. "Well, why don't you go find one of those girls to take care of you this morning then," she snapped.

Spike sighed, rolling over on his back. "That was before we knew each other, Buffy."

"Was it here?"

Spike sat up. "Buffy…"

"No, tell me—did you sleep with other women here in this bed?"

"Things were different then," Spike insisted.

"I don't care! We slept in a bed last night where you…with other women," Buffy hissed, suppressing the urge to yell. "And this was my bed since I was a child."

"Bloody hell, that didn't mean anything to me at the time, all right? Besides, you probably…"

Buffy's hand shot up. "No, I didn't. Never here. And you bringing a string of women into my bed—it's just creepy."

"It wasn't a 'string,'" Spike insisted. "It was only a few and they didn't mean anything."

"Oh, so it was all meaningless sex. Well, that just makes it all better."

"Come on, Buffy. Besides, I'm sure the sheets have been washed."

Buffy gave Spike a look of disgust. "I'm going downstairs."

"Kitten, come on…"

"No. You just stay here with your memories of all your floozies." Buffy stormed out of the room, reminding herself at the last moment that she didn't want to call attention to their fight and didn't slam the door.

Her mother and Giles were sitting at the island in the kitchen with coffee and the newspaper when Buffy walked in. "Good morning, Buffy," Giles said, looking up at her though her mother pointedly did not. "I trust you slept well."

"I did," Buffy replied. "It was sorta nice being back in my old room."

Joyce scoffed loudly, but said nothing, and Buffy bit the inside of her cheek to keep from snapping. She was still angry from her argument with Spike, and she knew that would only make any fight she had with her mother even worse.

Giles ignored his wife's response. "Would you like some breakfast, Buffy? Toast, perhaps?"

"That would be good," Buffy replied, focusing her attention on Giles instead of her mother, deciding that was the safer bet.

Giles stood and went to the breadbox, his hand on the loaf when Joyce said, "She can make her own toast, Rupert, seeing as she's so independent these days."

"Last night she was forbidden to do anything around the house on account of her not living here and now she's to make her own toast," Giles said. "Which one is it going to be?"

Joyce said nothing in response, only slammed the section of the paper she was reading down on the island before storming out of the kitchen, coffee cup in hand.

"I'm sorry," Buffy said, breaking the awkward silence that followed her mother's departure. "Now I'm making the two of you fight."

"No, you're not," Giles said. "Joyce and I are fighting over this because of her behavior—not yours."

"But I…"

Giles took Buffy's hand, leading her over to the island to sit. "Listen to me. You haven't done anything wrong, and I think deep down, Joyce knows that, too—but she's hurting, and she doesn’t know how to handle that. She feels terrible for what happened with Angel, but at the same time, she resents that guilt. She doesn't feel like she should be held accountable for his death or for the decision she felt she needed to make as a mother. She had no way of knowing how tragically things would end, and she felt that by trying to keep you out of a relationship with someone she thought was too old for you, she was keeping you safe.

"However, fate stepped in and more damage was caused than anyone could have predicted, and now she feels that she failed you as a mother. Your bitterness with her over Angel's death and your eventual decision to more to New York only strengthened that fear for her. Really, it's not you she's angry with but herself."

"Sure feels more like she's angry at me," Buffy replied.

"I know. And I've been trying to tell her that all she's doing is pushing you away even further, but she won't listen. Anger is easier for her to deal with than guilt, so that's what she's holding on to."

Buffy looked down at her hands. "I didn't blame her completely. I blamed myself way more than I ever blamed her." She paused for a moment, looking back up. "But I still couldn't help but think about how if she hadn't continued to make such a big deal out of my relationship with Angel, things would've been different. We were only four years apart in age—there's more of a difference between the two of you than that. And once I was eighteen and done with high school, couldn't she have just left us alone? It's not like I was throwing my life away to be with some bum. He was going to go to law school, and I was still going to college."

"I know. And personally, I was willing to let you do what made you happy," Giles told her. "I don't think you were being irresponsible, and I was quite reassured to see that your plans did not include forgoing college for a post-high school wedding. It wasn't, however, what your mother wished for you. She was nineteen when she met your father and they dated for nearly all of college. She feels as if she wasted her youth being so dedicated to one man, and she didn't want you to wake up feeling the same way twenty, thirty years down the road."

"I don't think that would have happened."

"Do you believe you'd still be with Angel had he not been killed?"

Buffy sucked in a deep breath. The question Giles had asked her was one she'd asked herself a million times but had not yet dwelled on it long enough to form a solid answer. "I don't know," she admitted. "I used to think so, but now…" Her gaze traveled back down, away from Giles's eyes. "There's someone else—someone I love very much—and I feel so guilty for even feeling that way sometimes because I'm afraid it means I'm somehow glad Angel's dead. I'm happier now than I was with him, and I just…" Buffy stopped as her words trailed off into tears.

Giles reached out and took Buffy's hand. "Oh, Buffy. Falling in love again doesn't mean you're glad Angel's dead. It simply means you've moved on, which is something that you have to do. The one who's still alive has no real choice but to keep living, and loving again is part of that. When Anne died, I thought that was it for me. It hurt so much to lose her that I shut myself off from everyone, even my son who needed me then more than ever. I allowed the love I felt for my wife to become something negative, something that was tearing me up inside. But then I met your mother, and she not only taught me how to love again, but that it was okay for me to do so.

"Human beings aren't solitary creatures, Buffy, no matter what we try to convince ourselves of sometimes. We're meant to have family, friends, lovers—and I don't think anyone who truly loves us would want us to be without that."

Giles took off his glasses and surprised Buffy by wiping his eyes instead of the lenses. "In her last days, Anne used to beg me to promise her I'd find someone else to love when she was gone. I couldn't understand how she could ask me to do that, especially when I was sitting at the deathbed of the woman I'd loved for most of my life. But I understand now. She loved me enough to want me to be happy, even if it couldn't be with her. That's part of what love is—wanting the best for someone else no matter what."

"So…so you don't think Angel would blame me for falling in love again?" Buffy asked softly.

"No. He'd want you to be happy, Buffy. Angel did what he did to protect you. He wanted you to live, and part of living is loving."

Buffy turned her arm over, looking at the pale scar across her wrist. "I didn't try to kill myself because I wanted to be with him—not like Mom thought. I did it because I thought I shouldn't be alive when he wasn't. He died because of me, and it just wasn't fair."

Hearing her admit that, Giles felt his heart break. He'd always questioned his decision to go along with Joyce in institutionalizing Buffy, especially after Buffy had gone all the way across the country within a month of being released. "Survivor guilt is common, Buffy," Giles told her softly. "I felt it myself with Anne, and her death was of natural causes."

"I'm glad I'm alive now," Buffy admitted. "Things are going well for me, and I'm so in love that sometimes just thinking about him makes my chest hurt, y'know? But then I'll remember that I'm only alive because Angel's not, and I feel guilty all over again."

"As much as I hate to say it, I don't think that's ever going to go away completely," Giles told her. "But the important thing is that you know it's okay to love. Because it is, Buffy. And well, it's okay to love the person you love, too, even under the…circumstances. You both needed someone, and from what little I've seen, you're good for each other. He looks at you as if you're his world."

Buffy blushed slightly at broaching this particular subject with Giles. It was abundantly clear now that Spike had been right in his assertion that Giles knew about their relationship. "I tried not to love him like this," Buffy said. "I knew I shouldn't. But I couldn't help it. He stole my heart."

Giles chuckled. "He is charming, that one. Much like his father."

Buffy giggled. "Most of the time. Although he does have his moments where he's anything but. Like this morning. Ugh, I could've throttled him."

Giles raised an eyebrow. "What did he do?"

"That think where he speaks even though his brain has apparently been temporarily shut off."

"Ah yes, that thing. That he doesn't get from me."

"He can be such a bonehead sometimes," Buffy said, kicking at the floor. "But lucky for him he can also be all cute and charming, and he always seems to know just how to get me to forgive him."

"If you don't mind my asking, how long has this been going on between the two of you?" Giles asked.

"A couple of months."

"Am I right in assuming you don't want your mother to know?"

Buffy sighed. "I know I'm going to have to tell her eventually, especially since Spike and I are definitely serious, but I knew this trip would be stressful enough without that added to it."

"I understand," Giles replied. "And I won't betray your confidence. Although honestly, it should be bloody obvious—and would be if she didn't have that habit of only seeing what she wants to see. However, I do ask that you tell her soon after you return to New York. It's an awkward situation for me to be in, knowing something like this and keeping it secret from her."

"I know. And I was hoping this wouldn't happen. Not that I really wanted to lie to you, but I thought it would be easier if no one knew. But then you and Dawn figured it out the first day we were here, so there went that plan."

"Dawn too, hmm?" Giles asked with a smirk.

"Yep. You just can't sneak anything past that girl. She's like freaking Nancy Drew."

"Oh believe me, I am well aware of that," Giles said, shaking her head. "Sometimes I think she's too smart for my own good. Although she's nothing compared to her brother, so…" Giles stopped, blushing. "Er, her step-brother. Who isn't your brother, and…oh, bloody hell."

"It's okay," Buffy said. "You fall in love with your mother's husband's son, and that's what you've gotta deal with."

"Mother's husband's son?"

"It's less creepy than step-father's son or, ugh, step-brother."

"Yes, quite right. Mother's husband's son it is then."

"Speaking of," Buffy said with a sigh, "I should probably go patch things up with him. My stomach gets all flippy when we fight, and I hate it."

"All right then. Is that a pass on breakfast?"

"Yeah. I'll eat later."

Buffy stood, going over to Giles and kissing him softly on the top of the head. "Thanks for the pep talk."

"Anytime, my dear. Anytime."

*** *** ***

I know this one is pretty slow going, but I can assure you it isn't going to be abandoned. The muse just works slowly with this one, and I don't want to post a chapter that I don't feel is the best work I can do. So thank you for all of you that have been patient, and I hope that eventually the finished product will be worth all the waiting.

Please leave a review!
Chapter Twenty by Addie Logan
Buffy stopped outside the door to her bedroom, reluctant to go inside. She hated fighting with Spike and she couldn't exactly say that she was as angry with him as she'd been earlier that morning, but his comments had still hurt. There was a good chance that she'd try to make up with him, he'd say something else stupid, she'd get more hurt, and they'd be worse off than before she attempted to apologize.

Or maybe he'd keep his mouth in check for once and they could just straighten everything out and be fine.

It was that second possibility that gave her the push she needed to go into the room. She had enough stress in her life right now being at odds with her mother, she didn't need to throw a fight with Spike into the mix—especially on Christmas Eve.

Spike was sitting at the end of the bed when she walked in, and he looked up at her, his expression reminding her every bit of a kicked puppy. "M'sorry," he muttered, glancing down again.

Sometimes Buffy hated just how adorable he could make himself whenever she was mad at him, but now she was grateful, happy to stop being angry and just give in to his charm. She sat beside him, rubbing his back. "I know you are."

"Don't want anyone other than you, y'know," Spike told her. "Never met another woman who makes me feel the way you do."

"I know," Buffy said, leaning in and pressing a kiss on his shoulder. "I'm just extra-tense girl right now, what with Momzilla and all."

Spike gave a little half grin. "I still shouldn't have said that. Too early in the morning, blood flowing in the wrong direction, etc." Spike paused and Buffy chuckled lightly. "That time before," Spike said after a moment, "Before I met you—I wasn't at my best, pet. I'm not a womanizer. I have more respect for women than that. But I'd just broken up with Drusilla, and she was, well, the only woman I'd ever been with. May be hard to believe seeing what a damn sexy bloke I turned out to be and all, but there was a time when people would've found it a bit less shocking to hear that I'm the son of a librarian. Then Dru came along and she fixed me up, made me feel like I was somebody."

Spike paused again, sighing. He hated to talk about it all, the wounds still fresh even now, but he knew he should tell Buffy, let her know where he was coming from. If she could open up about the death of the man she'd loved before him, then he could tell her about a messy break-up. "When Drusilla left me, it was like the rug had been snatched out from under me. I didn't see it coming, although looking back I probably should have. So much of my identity was tied into her. She's the woman who made me Spike, if that makes any bloody sense. I was pathetic little William until she came along, and then when she left, I was afraid I would be again. So I may have overcompensated a little. She made me feel like I was less of a man, so I tried to prove that I wasn't. It's not really a good reason or excuse, but it's what it was."

"It's okay," Buffy said, taking his hand. "I can get that."

"I don't want to be with a lot of different women," Spike told her. "Some guys say monogamy is boring, but I tend to be the other way around. I like getting to know a woman—getting to learn her. You can't do that if you're going your separate ways the next morning."

Buffy pushed an errant curl off his forehead. "You don't have to be just Spike, you know. William's a pretty good guy, too."

Spike scoffed. "You don't know William."

"Yes I do."

"I was a right git as a kid, Buffy. I was always writing this bloody awful poetry and my hair—looked like I stuck my tongue in a sodding light socket."

Buffy fought the smile that was creeping to her face. "I've seen the pictures, and it wasn't that bad. I mean yeah, I prefer it now, because you've got some damn sexy hair, but it wasn't unsalvageable. And if your writing was 'bloody awful' then, it's gotten a lot better now. I love your songs, you know."

"I'm never very sure about them. I got so used to people laughing at everything I wrote."

"They're not laughing now, Spike. They're cheering. I've seen those girls hanging off the side of the stage—you've got groupies." Buffy elbowed him playfully.

"Don't care about groupies," Spike replied, wrapping his arm around her and pulling her against his side. "Only care about my girl."

"And you have me." Buffy paused for a moment, frowning. "Only not, y'know, like that until we get back home."

"I hope you know you're getting ravaged as soon as we walk though the door," Spike replied. "You're not going to be able to walk straight for a week."

Buffy giggled. "Promises, promises."

"Oh, you're gonna get it, missy," Spike said, his hand creeping to her side to tickle her. She squealed, twisting in his grasp.

"Hey! Evil!" Buffy exclaimed between giggles.

"You better believe it, baby," Spike said, tongue between his teeth.

"Don't do that!" Buffy scolded, smacking his shoulder. "Having to wait a week is bad enough without you looking all sexy."

"So what am I to do if I can't look sexy? Put a bag over my head?"

Buffy rolled her eyes. "And how exactly do you fit your ego in this room?"

"It's slipping a bit through the crack beneath the door."

"Uh huh. Pathetic much?"

"Only pathetic if it's not true, baby." Spike winked at her, making Buffy shiver. "See—you know how bloody sexy I am."

Buffy smiled slowly, then leaned in, her mouth right against his ear. "You're right. I do. It's gonna be real hard keeping my hands off of you all…week…long." She punctuated each of the last three words by nipping at his earlobe.

Spike's mouth opened for a second before he snapped it shut. "Buffy…kitten, please…"

Buffy could see him straining in his jeans and decided to take pity on the guy. Actual sex still left too much room for getting caught, but maybe she could get away with a little something. She stood up, glancing behind her to make sure the door was indeed shut before getting to her knees in front of Spike. He looked down at her as she did, raising an eyebrow. "Shh…" Buffy said, pressing her finger to her lips. "Make one sound and I stop—got it?"

Spike nodded quickly, his dick growing harder in his jeans at the sight of her there. Buffy popped open the buttons of his fly, pulling him out into her warm hands and making Spike thrust up, needing more of her touch.

Buffy was tempted to tease, loving how she could drive Spike to begging, but she didn't want to waste time in case they were interrupted. Instead, she leaned forward, taking as much of him in her mouth as she could in one stroke. Spike bit his bottom lip, grasping white-knuckled at the edge of the mattress, fighting to keep from vocalizing his pleasure.

What she couldn't fit down her throat, Buffy wrapped her hand around, stroking and turning in time with her mouth. She swallowed around him, and Spike's eyes rolled up, his hips lifting slightly off the bed. He struggled to stay quiet, not wanting to test if she'd been serious when she said she'd stop.

Buffy pulled back slightly, bringing air into her lungs again. She looked up at Spike, smirking around his cock as she saw the look on his face. His expression was one of tortured bliss, and she knew she could either give him more pleasure or take it away. It was a heady feeling, that sort of power.

Luckily for Spike, she was in a benevolent mood. Buffy knew exactly how to push him over the edge, and took his balls in her hand, squeezing them with just the right amount of pressure as she hummed around his shaft. Spike gripped the bed tighter, unable to hold back his strangled groan as he came inside her mouth, Buffy deftly swallowing it all.

"You bad boy," Buffy said as she pulled back, licking her lips. "You made a sound."

"Couldn't help it, pet," Spike replied, panting. "You're just too bloody good at that."

"Well, you were behaved for the rest of it, so I guess I can forgive you," Buffy said. She gave his cock a soft kiss before tucking him back into his jeans and buttoning them.

"You're as gracious as you are beautiful," Spike said with a smile as Buffy got to her feet. "Do you want me to…"

"No," Buffy said. "Well, I want you to, but I don't think we should push it anymore right now. Besides, we both know I can't be quiet."

"Not something that's ever gotten any complaints from me. I love to make you scream." Spike took hold of her hands, pulling her down into his lap. He held her for a moment, his face resting against her hair. "So we're good now?"

"Yeah, we’re good," Buffy replied, smiling. "You can have a get-out-of-the-doghouse free card on account of it being Christmas Eve."

"If that's the case, I think I like Christmas Eve. You let me off for being a jackass and then you blow me. Bloody good holiday this one."

Buffy sat up a little, rolling her eyes. "You're just a lost cause, you know that right?"

"Yeah, but you love me anyway, so I'm really quite all right with it."

"Well, as long as you're happy," Buffy teased. She got up from his lap reluctantly and stretched. "We should probably go downstairs. As much as I'd love to stay in here with you all day, the whole point of visiting the family is, well, visiting the family—even if certain members of said family make me want to scream."

"I'll be here for you, pet. Won't let her get you. And if it starts to look like it's getting too bad, we'll go someplace else. I'm not going to let you be miserable, especially on Christmas."

"I know. You're good like that." Buffy leaned down and gave him a quick kiss. "Now let's go face the world."

*** *** ***

Despite the fact that having to keep up appearances meant that she couldn't snuggle up with her boyfriend and had to instead sit with her sister wedged between them, Buffy was having a good time. They had put in the DVD of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer at Dawn's request, and she was enjoying the bit of Christmas cheer. She kept glancing over at Spike, noticing that he was way more engrossed in the movie than she was certain he'd claim he had been later. She smiled to herself, wondering who he thought he was fooling with that "Big Bad" persona of his. He was just a big softy.

"Buffy, can I speak with you alone for a moment?"

Buffy's heart sank. There it was, the Voice of Doom, guaranteed to ruin any nice moment. "I'm sort of in the middle of a movie, Mom," Buffy said, wanting nothing less than to go off alone with her mother, especially since the sour look on Joyce's face made it quite clear that it was not for some sort of heartfelt reconciliation.

"You've seen this movie plenty of times, Buffy," Joyce snapped. "Now get up and come with me to the kitchen."

Spike looked over at Buffy, silently asking if she needed his help, but she just softly shook her head and stood, following her mother out. As soon as they were in the kitchen, Joyce took something from her pocket and slammed it down on the island. "Care to tell me why I found these in your room, Buffy?"

Buffy looked at the item in question, her eyes widening as she identified it as her birth control pills. "You were snooping?"

"I wasn't snooping," Joyce replied. "I was cleaning. And that is so not the point, young lady."

"It is the point!" Buffy yelled, snatching the pills off the counter. "My personal life is none of your business."

"It damn well is! You're my daughter!"

"Am I?" Buffy snapped in response. "You sure as hell don't treat me like one."

"Oh, how dare you!" Joyce countered. "After everything I've had to put up with with you! And I did not let you move to New York so you could start sleeping around!"

"I am not sleeping around! And you didn't let me do anything. You know as well as I do that I went there to be as far away from you as I could get!"

"You, Buffy, are an ungrateful, selfish, spoiled little brat," Joyce replied. "I gave up everything so you could have a good life, and all you've done is throw it in my face!"

"Gave up everything? Yeah, you looked like you were really hurting living in Dad's mansion all those years. And now, well, you're practically in the poor house as you live out your dream of owning an art gallery!" Buffy was shaking as she yelled at her mother, years of pent up emotions seeming to be coming to the surface. "I held the man I loved in my arms as he died, and you couldn't even show the smallest amount of pity for me. You sent me away, brushed me under the rug like I was some uncomfortable problem."

"That is not true!"

"It is true! I was hurting! I felt like my heart had been ripped out, and all I wanted to do was go to sleep and never wake up. Didn't that mean anything to you?"

"Of course it did! Buffy, I hated seeing you in that kind of pain, and I got you the help you needed!"

"No, no you didn't." Buffy wiped at her eyes, brushing away angry tears. "You don't know what it was like, being there. I was alone and hurting. You let them take me away and lock me up where I was all alone."

"Buffy…"

"No! God, you want to know about selfish? Look in the damn mirror." Buffy held up the small package of pills. "And these are because I'm in a monogamous relationship with a man that loves me. And yes, I'm having sex. Lots and lots of sex. So deal with it!" She stormed out of the kitchen, going back to her bedroom and slamming the door behind her.

Back in the living room, Dawn and Spike sat uncomfortably on the couch, Buffy and Joyce's fight easy for them to hear, even with the television still on. They shared a look, and Spike started to get up, slowly at first, then quicker as he noticed Joyce on her way to the stairs.

"Leave her alone, Joyce. I mean it. You go up there right now, and we're on the first flight back to New York."

Joyce stopped in her tracks, turning to look at Spike. "It's you."

Spike paused at that, clearing his throat. "What?"

"The one Buffy needs those pills for—it's you."

Spike searched his mind desperately for something to say, knowing this wouldn't make things at all easier for Buffy. But he couldn't, and Joyce took his silence as an admission.

"Get out of my house."

Spike took a step back. "Joyce…"

"No, I want you gone. I trusted you alone with Buffy, and you took advantage of that. And you're Rupert's son. It's just…well, it's sick."

Spike bristled. "I love her, Joyce. There's nothing sick about that."

"There's a lot sick about it, William. Now get your things, and go. You're not welcome here."

"I'm not leaving Buffy."

Joyce threw her hands up. "You know what, fine. Why don't you both just go then." She turned around and stormed off.

With his shoulders slumped, Spike trudged up the stairs to Buffy.

*** *** ***

So, what did you think? Please remember to review!
Chapter Twenty-One by Addie Logan
Spike's heart clenched as he walked in and saw Buffy sitting in the middle of the bed, her knees pulled to her chin as she cried, and he wished he didn't have to tell her what he had to now. "Kitten?" he said softly.

Buffy looked up, her face red and splotchy from her tears. "Yeah?"

"I, uh, I think I just made things worse."

Her eyes widened at that and her voice trembled as she spoke. "Worse?"

"Yeah." Spike ran his hand through his curls, shifting from one foot to the other. "I wasn't trying to. See, I saw Joyce coming up here, and I didn't want her to yell at you anymore, so I told her to leave you alone. But apparently I was a little too overtly protective of you, because it made her piece things together—about us."

Buffy sighed heavily. "Well, I guess it might as well be out in the open. I was already getting sick of pretending I wasn't with you."

"Um, there's a little more. See, she got really upset about it and told me to leave. Then I told her I wasn't leaving you, and…"

Buffy got up, able to discern where Spike's explanation was going. "Let's start packing then."

"I'm really sorry, pet. I didn't mean to make things go like this."

"Spike, it's not your fault. She's the crazy bitch. And if she threw you out, of course I was going to. I wouldn't have it any other way."

"Where are we going to go?" Spike asked. "It's Christmas Eve—not exactly the prime time to be hunting for a hotel room."

"We'll find something. God, we'll sleep in your car if we have to."

"No," Spike replied. "I'm not having you spend sodding Christmas in my car."

Buffy put her hand on his arm. "Hey—I'll be with you. That's the important part. And besides, the whole 'no roof over our heads' thing is just chock-full of Christmas spirit."

Spike chuckled lightly. "You're amazing, you know that?"

"I try," Buffy replied. "Okay, if she wants us gone, then let's not waste any time." She grabbed her bag and started to put her things back into it. Spike took a deep breath, then followed suit.

*** *** ***

Buffy and Spike were putting their things in the trunk of his car when Rupert pulled up to the house, returning from a last-minute run to the grocery store. He turned off the engine and got out of his own car quickly, walking up to the pair. "What's going on?"

"Mom kicked us out," Buffy replied. "Apparently she doesn't approve of our relationship."

Rupert sucked in a deep breath. "Oh, like hell she did. Get your things and go back in the house."

"Da…" Spike started.

"No. Get your things right now and get back in the house. You are not going anywhere," Giles said, his tone leaving little room for argument.

Buffy and Spike exchanged a quick look but pulled their bags from the trunk, Spike slamming it shut before they followed Giles back inside.

"Joyce!" Rupert yelled as he got into the house. "Joyce, I want to talk to you this instant."

Joyce came into the foyer. "Rupert," she began, only to be cut off by her furious husband,

"Now, you listen here. I've had just about enough of this. If you want to go around in a snit and make yourself miserable, then you know what, fine. You're missing out on getting to know the wonderful young woman your daughter is, and that's very sad for you. But don't you dare try to send them away from me, too. For starters, this is the first Christmas I have had with my son since he was a teenager. Nothing is going to stop me from having that, not even you. Secondly, what sort of heartless woman do you have to be to turn your own child out of the house on Christmas Eve? Your own flesh and blood, Joyce! Now, I love you, I do, but I'm seriously starting to question if you're even the woman I thought I married."

Joyce paled slightly. "Rupert, I…"

"No. I mean it, Joyce. This is my home, too, and I'm spending the holidays with my children. End of the bloody story."

"Your children are sleeping together!" Joyce exclaimed. "Did you know that?"

Rupert winced, taking off his glasses then to polish them. "Yes, I did, though seeing as they are not blood related, nor were they raised as relatives, I've chosen to keep my nose out of where it doesn't belong. They're both adults, and what they do in their personal lives is none of my concern."

"None of your concern! And…and you knew? You knew and you didn't tell me?"

Rupert raised his eyebrow. "And seeing as you've handled it all so rationally, I can't imagine why I would've been crazy enough to do that."

Joyce scoffed. "Oh, I'm handling this irrationally? This is insane! I can't just bite my tongue while I know something like this is going on!"

"Well, if they want to be together, I seriously doubt there's anything you can say to make them change their minds, so you'd do just as well to bite it," Giles replied. "Now, as I've already stated, I'm not spending Christmas without them. Furthermore, this is my home, and I do not intend to leave it. So, the way I see it, you have one of two choices. You can either suck it up and behave like an adult instead of a three-year-old who didn't get her way, or you can leave yourself, seeing as you’re the one apparently so keen on spending Christmas alone."

Joyce gasped. "Well, I…" She stopped, her mouth snapping shut for a moment before she spoke again. "Fine. I hope you're all happy." She stopped upstairs, slamming the door hard enough to make the walls shake.

They were all silent for a moment before Rupert cleared his throat. "They're showing It's a Wonderful Life in two hours at the Sun Cinema. I bet if we drive very, very slowly we can make it."

"And that sounds like a plan to me," Buffy said, dropping her bags by the coat rack in order to not have to go back upstairs at the moment. "Dawn, you coming?"

Dawn peeked her head out from behind the wall in the living room where she'd been hiding through her mother and Rupert's argument. "Wild dogs couldn't stop me," she replied, grabbing her coat.

The four of them walked out of the house together.

*** *** ***

They killed some time driving around the local neighborhoods, looking at the Christmas decorations despite the fact that it was not yet dark before finally arriving at the theater. Giles let Dawn and Spike out at the front telling them to buy tickets both to let him park the car and to give him a moment to speak to Buffy alone.

Giles parked his car and then turned around to look at Buffy in the backseat. "Are you all right, my dear?"

"I'm okay, I guess," Buffy said. "But I am really sorry, Giles."

"Sorry?" Giles asked with a frown. "Whatever for?"

"For ruining your Christmas. For ruining everybody's Christmas," she replied.

"Buffy, you did nothing of the sort. If anyone's 'ruined Christmas,' it would be your mother."

"I shouldn't have come," Buffy asserted. "I knew she'd be like this. Everything would've been better if Spike and I had just stayed in New York."

"No, it wouldn't have," Giles insisted. "Despite everything that's happened, I am quite glad to be able to spend the holiday with you and with Spike. I haven't spent Christmas with him since he was a teenager, and the last few were quite strained at that. I also haven't seen you since you moved to New York. So no, you haven't ruined my Christmas. You've made it that much brighter by allowing me to spend it with my family."

"I wish Mom could think like that."

"So do I." Rupert reached out and patted her leg. "Come on. Let's not let her spoil our day, all right?"

"Yeah, all right. Might as well go and be assured that the world really wouldn't be any better if I'd never been born," Buffy muttered, reaching for the buckle to her seatbelt.

Giles started at that. "Do you think otherwise?"

"Sometimes," Buffy admitted with a sigh. "I just, I don't know, feel like I've brought more misery to the people around me than anything else."

"That isn't true," Giles said, the insistence in his voice so vehement that it made Buffy look up. "Please, don't ever think that. I've never considered knowing you anything but a gift, Buffy. And if you think you only bring misery, well, look at my son. He's happy Buffy. Do you know how long it's been since he's been happy? I watched something die inside of him the day we buried his mother, and you've managed to wake it up again. I can't even begin to tell you what it means to me that you've made William be able to truly smile again."

"He's helped me be happy, too," Buffy said.

"I know. And I'm also grateful for that. What I want most in the world is for you, William, and Dawn to be happy."

"Do you…do you think you and Mom are going to be okay? I don't want you two to break-up, especially on account of me."

"I believe we will be," Giles replied. "I'm quite angry with her at the moment, but I do love your mother. I have every intention of working things out with her."

"Good. I really do want you to."

"I know."

"So can we go in now?" Buffy asked.

Giles smiled softly. "Yes, we can. Come on."

They walked together up to the front of the Sun Cinema, meeting up with Spike and Dawn. Spike noticed the glistening of tears in Buffy's eyes and opened up his duster, letting Buffy move against his side, wrapping her arms around his waist for comfort. He held on to her, kissing the top of her head.

"There's more people than I would've thought would be here," Dawn said. "Usually this place only has customers when they're showing those foreign movies that Mom won't let me see."

At that, Giles cleared his throat. "So should we go in then?"

"Let's," Spike replied, giving Buffy a gentle squeeze. He kept his arm around her as they walked into the theater, and Buffy stayed close by his side, feeling as if as long as she was with him, things would turn out okay.

*** *** ***

Two and a half hours later, Spike, Buffy, Giles, and Dawn were walking slowly out of the theater, none of them in much of a rush to get back home and face Joyce, despite the fact that it was starting to get late in the evening,

Dawn kicked a piece of gravel in her path. "Do you think everyone has that much of an influence on the world, or was George just like special or something?" she wondered aloud, breaking the silence.

"He seemed overly important to me, for just a normal guy with a normal job," Buffy replied. "Besides, there's probably plenty of people out there that the world really would be better without, despite the peppy message of the movie." Spike and Giles both glanced at her as she spoke, worry on their faces, and Buffy quickly spoke again. "Like that cranky woman that used to live down the street from us in L.A. Do you remember her, Dawn?"

"Ugh. Mrs. Thompson? Yes. That woman was pure evil. If we even breathed on her lawn, she'd totally lose it."

"Honestly, the idea of a whole city going to hell just because one person isn't there is a little over the top if you ask me," Buffy said.

"It was exaggerated to emphasize the importance of every life," Spike said, squeezing Buffy's hand. "People go about making a difference in the world every day without ever knowing it."

Buffy squeezed his hand back. "Don't worry. Fighting with my mother didn't send me into a self-destructive tailspin where I'm going to go back to being all depressed and suicidal. I mean, I haven't actually been suicidal in years. Depressed, sure, but I had at least a small bit of the will to live left." Dawn and Giles both looked over at her at that, and Buffy looked back at them. "What?"

"It's just that you haven't spoken that conversationally about any of that, well, ever," Giles said. "When you came home from the, er, hospital, you retreated and wouldn't mention anything about it."

"I'm dealing with it better, I guess," Buffy said. "My life's taken a definite upturn in recent months." She smiled brightly, wrapping her arm around Spike's.

Spike responded by stopping for a second to kiss the top of her head, and Giles smiled slightly at the display. Despite factors in their relationship that made him squirm, Rupert could clearly see how good Buffy and Spike were for each other. He'd told her that she'd brought happiness back to his son, but she'd done the same for him as well. The Buffy who had left three years before for New York had been depressed and withdrawn, and Giles had worried more than once that she might make a repeat attempt at suicide once she was on her own. But now, while some of her guilt and heartache over Angel's death surely remained, she was certainly brighter than she had been before, reminding him much more of the girl he'd once known before tragedy had darkened her life.

He wished that Joyce could see that, could realize how happy Buffy was in the life she'd chosen for herself, and accept it. Giles had learned as he watched Spike take up with Drusilla that you couldn't control your children. The life you wanted for them was rarely the life they themselves chose, and if you tried to force them to bend to your will, all you would do was lose them. He'd spent years with his own son as a virtual stranger in his life, and now that he had him back, he'd vowed that he'd never allow that to happen again. If William was content with his life, then Giles would be, too—especially if it seemed to be having such a positive influence on him.

And it was a positive influence. That much was clear. The circumstances that had brought Buffy and Spike together may not have been the sort many people would be comfortable with, but Giles was willing to just be grateful for what it had brought. Love was too important, too powerful, to walk away from. Having lost it too many times in the past himself, Giles had come to believe that people should take love where they could find it, life being too short to throw it away.

Maybe someday his wife would understand that as well.

*** *** ***

Don't forget to review. And thank you so much to everyone who reviewed last chapter. Your comments were very much appreciated and the response I got really helped inspire me to write!
Chapter Twenty-Two by Addie Logan
The house was quiet when they came back, and Buffy breathed a sigh of relief that her mother wasn't waiting at the door to start things up again. Her car was in the driveway, so she was obviously still there, but she had retreated somewhere in the house, leaving it quiet and peaceful, the only light that which was coming from the Christmas tree.

"Hey, Buffy, it's Christmas Eve."

Buffy turned towards her sister when she spoke, almost asking Dawn what she meant when she remembered and a small smile crossed her face. "And it's getting late, too. We better hurry." The Summers girls took off in a run, ignore Giles' almost-instinctive rebuke at their actions.

"Where are they off to?" Spike asked.

"The kitchen. They used to bake cookies for Santa every year and decorate them. Horrible monstrosities, really, and they usually ended up having more frosting on themselves than the actual cookies—which let me tell you, was quite a feat, considering the amount they used there—but they always had fun."

Spike chuckled. "Hope they have fun this year, too. Buffy needs it."

"Yes, she does," Giles agreed. He paused for a moment, clearing his throat. "You're quite taken with her, aren't you?"

"I love her, Da. Completely."

"I know," Giles said. "Son, I want you to know that no matter the circumstances involved in how the two of you came together, I'm happy that you are. You've brought some much-needed happiness into each other's lives, and that's something I'm grateful for."

"I appreciate that," Spike replied. "Means a lot, coming from you."

Giles placed his hand on Spike's shoulder. "And I also want you to know that, well, that I'm proud of you. No matter what's gone on between us in the past or what might transpire in the future, you've grown into a very fine young man."

Spike was startled a little at that, words of encouragement from his father being few and far between in recent years. "Thanks. I…I never wanted to be a disappointment."

"You never were," Giles assured him. "Granted, I was worried about you for a while there, and I did wish that you'd find something better for yourself than Drusilla and her lot, but you were never a disappointment. You're my son, and I love you."

"I love you, too, Da." A long silence followed the confession until Spike broke it. "So, um, are we supposed to hug or something now?"

"We're British and we're men. We don't hug," Giles replied.

"Right," Spike agreed with a nod.

They stood apart from each other for a moment before Giles stepped forward, embracing his son. The hug was quick and awkward, but the emotions were there, and Giles almost breathed a sigh of relief just knowing that his son did care.

Giles removed his glasses, giving them a quick polishing before replacing them. "As much as I don't want to, I should probably go upstairs and check in on Joyce."

"Best of luck with that," Spike said. "I'm going to stay down here, where it's at least relatively safe."

Giles shot Spike a look before taking a deep breath and trudging up the stairs to the bedroom he shared with his wife, shutting the door behind him.

Spike went into the living room, stopping when he reached the tree. He smiled when he saw a gingerbread man-shaped ornament with a small picture on its belly of a much younger Buffy sitting on Santa's lap, her blonde hair gathered up in pigtails. He surprised himself with a sudden thought of what their own children could look like, imagining a tiny combination of Buffy and himself looking back at him.

What really surprised him the most was how okay he was with that thought. He didn't want kids any time soon. He knew he wasn't ready to be a father, and he doubted Buffy was ready for children either, especially since she was still in school, but he could see it happening someday, could see himself settling down with Buffy and starting a family. He'd loved Drusilla, but he'd never really wanted that sort of thing with her, instead just thinking only about one moment to the next, living for the day. With Buffy, he wanted everything, the whole package. For the first time in his life, growing old with someone was really something he could look forward to.

The silence in the living room was broken by giggles and squeals in the kitchen, Buffy and Dawn obviously enjoying their cookie-baking activities. He loved hearing Buffy so happy, even in the face of what her mother was putting her through. She deserved to smile and laugh. His girl had spent enough time suffering already.

Spike knew his father had been right when he'd said he and Buffy were happier together. He'd noticed the spark that had been stuck back up inside Buffy since they'd fallen in love, but he'd been astute enough to notice it in himself, too. Before, he'd only been able to find any sort of solace in a nameless woman or too much to drink, and then it had been empty, something that merely distracted him until the morning when he woke up feeling worse than he'd felt the night before. His plan of get up, get out, get drunk, repeat as needed had only gotten him so far. Beyond that it had all been misery and self-loathing.

And then there had been Buffy. They'd both been sinking in despair, yet they'd somehow manage to become bright spots in each other's lives, getting each other through the pain to a place Spike hadn't ever thought he could be.

"Ah! Not my hair! Oh, now you're in for it!"

Buffy's cry from the kitchen followed by a scream from Dawn stopped Spike's train of thought. He went into the kitchen, stopping short at the sight of both girls smeared in green and red frosting. They looked sharply at him when he came in, their eyes widening as they were caught. Buffy and Dawn both pointed to each other, their accusations of "she started it" coming in unison.

Spike kept a straight face for only a moment before he began to laugh, the sight too comical for anything else. "I think that's supposed to go on the cookies," he said.

"They're not finished baking yet," Buffy said with a pout, as if that explained everything.

"You are just too bloody adorable," Spike said, walking over to her. He leaned in a licked a bit of frosting off her nose. "Makes you even sweeter than usual."

"Ugh, gag me," Dawn said from beside them, rolling her eyes in true teenager fashion. "You two are so lame."

"You just wait until you're in love," Spike said, wagging his finger. "You'll be 'lame,' too."

"What on earth happened in here?" Giles asked, coming into the kitchen. "You two look a mess."

"Frosting fight," Dawn said. "Buffy totally started it."

"I did not!" Buffy protested. "It was Dawn."

Giles tried to look stern, but ended up just shaking his head, chuckling softly. "Just make sure it's clean before your mother wakes up. She'll throw a bloody fit."

"She's asleep, huh," Buffy said. "Let me guess, curled up with the empty bottle beside her?"

Giles sighed. "Buffy, your mother…"

"Giles, I lived with her for eighteen years. I know the drill. Mom yells and then she drinks," Buffy said, cutting him off. "Or sometimes she does them together. Either way, there's yelling and there's drinking."

"At least she's asleep now," Dawn said. "She can't yell if she's asleep."

"Yes, well, I suppose that is something to be grateful for," Giles replied, polishing his glasses yet again.

The kitchen was silent for a moment before the timer on the oven went off. "Cookies are done," Buffy said quickly, grabbing an oven mitt before pulling them out. "Now they just have to cool."

"Did you save any frosting for the cookies themselves?" Spike asked with a smirk.

Buffy turned, waving her oven-mitt-clad hand at him. "Yes, we did. And you watch your mouth, mister, or that hair of yours is going to be red and green. Bet it would show up real well with that white."

"Oh, don't you even think about it," Spike warned.

"Or what?" Buffy asked, crossing her arms and sticking out her tongue.

"Something so horrible I haven't come up with it yet," Spike replied.

"I think you're all talk," Buffy replied.

Spike rushed her then, grabbing her around the waist and tickling her, making her screech. Dawn covered her mouth to hide her giggles, and Giles just shook his head, clucking softly. They really were quite a pair.

*** *** ***

"Those are the ugliest cookies I have ever seen," Spike said, looking down at the plate sitting on a table beside the tree.

"Hey! They're…creative," Buffy said, elbowing him.

"They're deformed. What, are you trying to get Santa's sympathy by making him think there's something wrong with you so you'll get more presents?"

"Oh ha, ha," Buffy replied. "No."

"What the hell is that one supposed to be? It looks like a green blob covered with freakish red eyes. Is it some sort of Christmas demon?"

"It's a tree!" Buffy exclaimed. "Those are ornaments, not eyes!"

"If you say so, luv," Spike said, kissing the top of her head.

"Well, poor Giles has to eat them. It's part of the tradition. He says they send him into hyperglycemic shock."

"So my da's St. Nick, huh?" Spike said with a chuckle. "Guess he must save up all his jolly for once a year."

"Giles can be jolly. When he's not being stern librarian guy, anyway," Buffy said.

The clock struck midnight then, and Spike turned Buffy in his arms, smiling down at her. "Happy Christmas, luv."

"Merry Christmas to you, too."

"I said Happy Christmas," Spike pointed out.

"And I said Merry Christmas," Buffy replied, sticking her chin out definitely.

"Which makes you wrong," Spike teased.

"Nu-uh. You English types just don't know how to speak proper…"

"English?"

"American."

"American's not a language. We've had this discussion."

Buffy crossed her arms over her chest. "And you're still wrong."

"There you go, pouting at me again," Spike said, leaning in and nipping at her bottom lip. "You know what that does to me."

"Why do you think I do it?"

"Oh, you're just evil, missy," Spike replied. "Might have to just take this back and not give it to you now like I was plannin'." He pulled back and took a present from under the tree.

"You're giving me something now?"

"I might," Spike said with a wink. "Wanted to give it to you when it was just the two of us."

"Oh." Buffy frowned. "It's not something kinky, is it?"

"No, it's not kinky," Spike replied. He handed her the present. "Here, just open it."

Buffy pulled away from Spike and sat down on the couch, unwrapping the box, then lifting off the top, gasping at the sight of a ring nestled in tissue paper. It was an oval-cut emerald with diamond accents on either side, set in gold. She lifted it out, noting on closer examination that it looked to be an antique. "Spike…it's beautiful."

"It was my mum's," he said, his hands thrust in his pockets. "Been in the family for years. She…she gave it to me shortly before she died. Told me to hold on to it until I found a woman I really loved to give it to."

Buffy's eyes teared. "Thank you," she said softly.

Spike sat down beside her. "I think Mum would've wanted you to have it," he said. "She would've liked you, Buffy."

"I think I would've liked her, too."

Spike watched as Buffy turned the ring over a few times before he reached out slightly. "Want me to put it on you?"

Buffy nodded, handing him the ring. Spike took her left hand, slipping the ring on to her finger. "Until I can put something else there," he said, bringing her fingers to his lips and kissing the emerald.

"Planning on doing that, are you?"

"Someday," Spike replied with a wink. "You're going to have to make do with the emerald for now, though."

"I think I can do that," Buffy said with a smile. She leaned forward, wrapping her arms around him. "I love you."

"I love you, too." Spike lifted her up so she was sitting in his lap, and Buffy rested her head against his chest, happy just to be where she was.

"This has been a good day," she said, breaking the comfortable silence.

"Oh yeah?" Spike asked, his scarred eyebrow arching.

"Yeah. I mean, sure, Mom was a total bitch and we had that little spat this morning, but overall, it's been good. I like getting to spend time with Dawn and Giles, and hey, how can a day that ends with us being all snuggly be bad?"

Spike chuckled, the sound traveling through Buffy's body. "Don't know, pet. It's certainly my favorite way to end a day."

"So let's just stay like this forever then," Buffy said, her eyes sliding closed.

Spike kissed her forehead, his arms tightening around her. "You won't get any complaints from me."

*** *** ***

Yeah, that chapter was pretty much all fluffy, but I thought you might need it after several heavier ones. Hope you liked it!

Please remember to review.
Chapter Twenty-Three by Addie Logan
Buffy couldn't sleep. She thought back to other Christmases when she couldn't sleep either, too excited over what she'd find in the morning to make her eyes stay closed. She'd lay in bed with the covers pulled to her chin, her desire to finally hear hooves on the rooftop warring with her fear that if she didn't fall asleep, Santa wouldn't come at all. Now, however, while the night was the same, her reasons for being unable to find sleep were quite different. Thoughts of the morning were no longer tinged with excitement, but laced with trepidation. While there was a good chance her mother wouldn't be out of bed until sometime in the afternoon, Buffy knew Joyce would be awake at some point, and then she'd have to start dealing with things again. The events of the evening had been a welcome reprieve, but Buffy had had enough experience with her mother to know that it wasn't going to last.

While Buffy was enjoying the time she was spending with Giles and Dawn, she knew she wouldn't be able to stay through the week as she'd planned. Just the stress of being under the same roof as her mother was too much, and she needed to leave, to be back in her own space where she could breathe. She knew that her mother was judging everything she did, every move she made, and she couldn't stand it, especially now that her relationship with Spike had been added to that list of Buffy's wrongs according to Joyce.

Buffy rolled to her side and looked at Spike as he slept. She'd once told herself that any relationship between them would be wrong, although now she knew that it couldn't be more right. Spike held her together, gave her her strength. Without him, she'd crumble again, go back to being the broken girl she'd been when he'd found her. When he'd rescued her.

She stroked his cheek softly, not wanting to wake him. Even in sleep, he moved towards her hand, a small smile forming on his lips. She'd never known anyone who loved the way Spike did, so completely and openly. It scared her a little sometimes, when she looked into his eyes and saw the depth of emotion he so proudly displayed there. Buffy didn't think she could ever bare herself the way he did, could ever throw open the doors to her heart. She'd let him in, but she knew there was still a part of herself that she kept guarded, a piece too broken for her to ever show to anyone else ever again.

She had wondered before how Spike was able to throw himself head first into love still, even after the heartaches he'd suffered in the past, and it had dawned on her then that he couldn't help it. It wasn't in his nature to hold back. The only way he could love was with every bit of himself. It was how he did everything, all or nothing.

Buffy moved next to him, sliding up against his body, and his arms went automatically around her to pull her closer. She held on to him tightly, wanting the comfort he could give her. She buried her face against his neck and pressed a small kiss against his collarbone.

It wasn't enough. She needed the comfort only he could give, needed him to ease her worries with his touch. Her body was itching for him, though she found she was craving the comfort even more than the pleasure. All her fear and hurt seemed to fade away when Spike was inside of her, her heart finally finding total peace, even if it was only for a little while.

Buffy bit her bottom lip as she debated what she should do. She knew her mother probably wouldn't hear an asteroid hit the house, and Giles did tend to sleep soundly—something she'd learned from all the times she'd sneaked in and out of the house as a teenager. Dawn was close by, but she slept like a rock, too, and if Buffy could manage to keep herself quiet, her sister wouldn't be a problem either. She didn't think she'd be doing much screaming tonight anyway. It wasn't that sort of mood.

But there was still the uneasy feeling of doing it in her parents' house. She'd been telling Spike the truth when she'd told him she didn't feel like she could have sex with him here, in this house, in this bed.

Thoughts of the bed brought Buffy back to the morning before and Spike's admission that he'd slept with women there before. Envy rose up in her at the thought of any other woman ever touching him, ever sharing with him what she did, especially in her bed. Her eyes narrowed as her mind was made up. If this bed was going to be the site of any sort of debauchery, it was going to be with her involved—not Spike and some slut he picked up in a bar. It was probably women like that Harmony girl she'd found in the apartment before. Buffy's nose wrinkled at the thought.

Her mother could call it the "guest room" all she wanted, but this was her bed, and Buffy was going to be the last person who'd had sex in it, everything else be damned.

She shook Spike lightly, whispering his name as she did. He muttered softly in his sleep, but didn't wake, and Buffy sighed. "Come on, baby," she said in his ear. "Wake up. I want you."

He didn't move, and Buffy sighed again, heavier this time. She knew that if Spike knew he was sleeping through what was probably his one chance at getting laid on this trip, he'd be kicking himself. Determined to make sure the opportunity was not a missed one for either of them, she reached down past the waistband of the sweatpants she'd insisted he wear to bed while they were there. Buffy didn't think she'd ever understand why anyone would want to sleep naked in the middle of winter, even if they were in California. But Spike hated wearing anything to bed, and even back in New York, he'd forego clothes to sleep, no matter what the temperature outside was.

The sweatpants were just in her way now, and she was wishing she'd let him skip them despite the practical reasons for wearing them when staying in a house with people who weren't always ones to respect privacy. She pushed the thick, gray cotton down off his narrow hips to allow her better access to his already semi-hard cock. Buffy wondered idly if he ever managed to grow completely soft, or if his was just like this all the time.

She pumped him steadily in hopes that the sensation would wake him. He did respond, his hips thrusting slightly forward as her ministrations made his cock grow harder, but his eyes remained closed and his shallow breathing told her that he was still asleep.

The man slept like the dead. More than once she'd woken up pinned to the bed and had to contort herself in all sorts of positions in order to get free so she could get ready for class or work. And through it all, he'd sleep. But surely he couldn't be such a deep sleeper that he'd sleep right through her amorous mood…

Had they been home, she would've started yelling, hoping the noise would be enough to wake him, but she couldn't do that here. What she wanted depended on Spike being the only other person in the house awake.

Buffy leaned forward and took his earlobe in between her teeth, then bit down. He moaned softly, but much to her chagrin, the sound was made in his sleep. Frustrated, Buffy pulled away from him and flopped over on her back. She knew that she should probably just take this as a sign and try to go to sleep again, but she did hate to leave a task before it was finished.

With renewed determination, Buffy pushed off her own pants, deciding the only way she was getting him awake was by taking drastic measures. She rolled back over, hooked her leg over Spike's hip, and guided him inside of her.

Buffy moved against Spike slowly until his eyes finally fluttered open. "Buffy?" he said sleepily.

"Needed you," Buffy replied, then rolled them over so Spike was on top of her. His face went to the crook of her neck, his warm breath against her skin.

"Thought I was dreaming," he said as he began to move inside of her.

"Not dreaming," Buffy replied, kissing the side of his face. "I couldn't sleep. Wanted you close." Buffy wrapped her arms tightly around him. She couldn't get any closer to him than this…

His movements were slow and languid, all of him still not as awake as the part that was hard and thick inside of her, but Buffy didn't protest the gentleness. It was perfect like this now, just what she needed. She turned his head until she could meet his mouth. Their kiss was soft, but not without passion. Buffy didn't think anything they shared ever could be.

The build up was slow, the tension in her body rising so steadily that Buffy's orgasm hit her by surprise when it finally rolled through her. Her mouth fell open in a wordless cry as her body shook and trembled. Above her, Spike gasped, and his hips pitched forward as he joined her in pleasure.

Spike rolled them over and held Buffy against his chest. He kissed the top of her head, mumbling an "I love you" before he drifted back into sleep. Buffy waited a few moments before retrieving her pants and underwear from the bottom of the bed, and put them back on before she pulled Spike's sweat pants back up to his waist, just in case anyone walked in on them in the morning.

She lay back down on his chest, yawning softly as her eyes began to close. "I love you, too," she whispered before she joined him in sleep.

*** *** ***


Spike stretched as he woke, then frowned slightly as he remembered something from the night before that he wasn't quite sure was right. "Buffy?"

"Hmm?" Buffy asked from beside him, her eyes still closed.

"Did we have sex last night?"

One of Buffy's eyes opened. "You don't remember?"

"Um, vaguely. I think we did, but you said you didn't want to, so…"

"We did," Buffy said, both eyes open now. "I wanted you. Were you asleep for it or something?"

"I wasn't completely awake," Spike admitted.

"So what, you thought it might have just been a really nice dream?" Buffy asked with a smirk.

"Wouldn't be the first time I dreamt about you, pet," Spike said. He kissed her forehead. "Did seem awfully vivid, though. Thought it probably really happened."

"If I had told you it was all a dream would you have believed me?"

Spike eyed her warily. "You thinking about what sort of things you can do to me in my sleep now?"

"I might be," Buffy said as she snuggled closer to him. "Although I've got you so wrapped around my little finger that I don't need to take advantage of you in your sleep. You're my willing slave when you're awake."

"That so?" Spike asked, eyebrow arched.

Buffy smiled slowly as her hand sneaked down beneath the covers to grab his erection. "Come on…tell me I can't have what I want."

Spike's eyes darkened. "You know, I might just take what I want instead."

"Oh? And how's that different from what I want, hmm?"

Spike grinned wickedly and moved to roll her over, only to be stopped by an insistent knock on the door. He rolled his eyes, his teeth gritted tight. "Balls."

"It's Christmas morning, so you two get out of bed!" Dawn yelled from behind the door. "And I so don't care if you're having sex, I'm coming in there if you don't get up!"

"We'll be up in a minute, Dawn!" Buffy yelled back.

"You better be!" Dawn replied. "Giles says I can't open any presents until you two come downstairs!"

"We're standing between Dawn and presents," Buffy muttered. "Guess that means I'll have to use you as my sex slave later."

"Watch yourself, missy," Spike said. "You're gonna find yourself in all kinds of trouble."

"Promise?" Buffy asked with a grin.

Spike pulled her to him and kissed her until she was breathless. "You can count on it," he said as he pulled away.

Buffy looked him over, shivering at the way his chest heaved with ragged breaths and how dark with desire his eyes were. She almost said to hell with it all and jumped him anyway when Dawn pounded on the door again.

"Naked or not, I will drag you out of that bed!"

"I so should've been an only child," Buffy muttered before calling out louder to Dawn. "We're getting out of bed now. Geez, learn some patience! You're like a…kid at Christmas!"

"I know! Now get up, both of you!"

Buffy grumbled as she begrudgingly pulled away from Spike. He stood and grabbed his t-shirt from where he'd tossed it the night before and tugged it down so it covered the front of his sweats. Buffy chuckled. "Need a cold shower?"

Spike gave her a dirty look. "It's your fault, for being so bleedin' sexy all the time. And you'd think the bit's yellin' would've killed it."

"Honey, I don't think that thing ever stays down."

"Not around you it doesn't." Spike took a deep breath and ran his hand over his hair to smooth it down. "Right then, Christmas cheer?"

"Christmas cheer." Buffy walked over to Spike and looped her arm with his. "Now let's go see if you were naughty or nice this year."

Spike leered at her as they walked out the door. "Oh baby, you know I've been nothing but naughty."

*** *** ***


Yes, I know, there was another break in posts. Here's why—I've been working like crazy on trying to finish two of my other WIP's. This, however, does not mean I've been ignoring this fic. As it stood, I had five active stories in progress (I now have four). This made it increasingly more difficult for me to devote any amount of time to one story. So, I'm trying to whittle them down with marathon writing sessions. When I only have a couple of stories in progress, I can (hopefully) update those more and hey, maybe finally actually finish this story. In the meantime, however, I won't be putting this story on hiatus, and I will update when I can, though I can't promise on frequency for the time being. Just know that it is not forgotten, and that the breaks between posts right now are because I'm trying to make it so I have more time to devote to it so you won't have to wait so much in the future.

And of course, please review! Show me the love! (Or, y'know, the hate if you didn't like it...just don't be too mean, cause then I'll be sad.)
Chapter Twenty-Four by Addie Logan
Buffy noticed as she came down the stairs with Spike that Giles appeared just as bleary eyed as they were. Dawn seemed to have claimed all the possible excitement in the room for herself as she all but started bouncing like Tigger around the Christmas tree.

"Did you let her have cookies for breakfast?" Buffy asked Giles, her hands on her hips. "Cause you know what that much frosting does to her this early in the morning."

"I didn't let her do anything," Giles replied. "She'd already gotten into them before I awoke."

"I was hyper before I ate any cookies," Dawn said. "And why shouldn't I be, huh? It's Christmas morning. You guys are just all old and cranky."

"I am not old or cranky. I'm simply a firm believer in the theory that Christmas presents are just as fun to open later in the day as they are first thing in the morning," Buffy argued. She glanced around the living room, then swallowed before she asked the question she wasn't completely sure she really wanted to ask. "Where's Mom?"

She knew the answer was going to be somewhere in the ballpark of what she was expecting when Giles began to clean his glasses. "Joyce isn't feeling well this morning. She's insisted that we start without her."

"Too hung over for Christmas," Buffy said. "And yet, I'm a disappointment. Go figure."

"Buffy, you're not…"

Buffy held up her hand to cut Giles off. "Let's not, okay? It's Christmas, so let's just focus on happy things—like giving Dawn presents so she stops shaking."

"I like that idea!" Dawn said.

"Yes, well…" Giles stopped, his eyes going to the hand that Buffy had brought up when she'd silenced him. "New ring?" he asked, his eyebrow going up as he spoke.

Buffy and Spike looked at each other for a moment before Spike started to speak. "I…I gave it to her last night. I…"

"You don't have to explain, son," Giles said. "To be honest, I'm relieved to see it on Buffy. I was always a bit worried that you'd given it to that Drusilla woman."

Spike shook his head. "I didn't give it to Dru. It never…it never felt right."

Dawn glanced around at the three other people in the room. "What's up with the ring?"

"It was my mum's," Spike answered. "I gave it to Buffy last night."

"Can I see it?" Dawn asked, calming slightly.

"Yeah," Buffy replied. She held out her hand towards her sister.

Dawn took Buffy's hand and peered at the ring. She ran her finger down the emerald. "It's really pretty."

"I thought so, too," Buffy said. She turned and smiled at Spike, warming at the way he smiled back at her. He could pour so much love into just a look.

Dawn pulled back, the momentary distraction of the ring worn off. "Okay, can I open something now, please? I've been waiting a whole year!"

Giles reached out and squeezed Dawn's shoulder. "Go ahead, my dear. You've been patient long enough."

With a squeal, Dawn went to the tree.

*** *** ***


Several hours later, the living room was cluttered with scraps of wrapping paper and bows, but Joyce had still not made an appearance. Her presents sat alone under the tree, making her absence seem even more glaring.

It was also apparent that the Christmas dinner that was usually Joyce's undertaking was not going to cook itself.

Buffy sat on the couch, her lip caught between her teeth as she tried to decide if she should offer to step up and prepare the dinner in her mother's stead. She knew they'd have to eat at some point, and all the restaurants in town would be closed. But she was also far from the best cook in the world. Not terrible the way her sister tended to be—Buffy still cringed to think of the peanut butter and banana quesadillas Dawn had tried to thrust on her once—but she wasn't half the cook her mother was.

She felt Spike's hand stroke the back of her hair as he asked her, "What's wrong, luv?"

"My mom always does a big Christmas dinner thing," she told him. "Dawn and I would help her with stuff. Well, mainly me, cause Dawn—she burns water. But my mom would do most of it, and then we'd all sit down and have a family meal together, but this year…"

"She's not even coming out of the bedroom?"

Buffy nodded. "I don't know what to do. She's supposed to be here, doing all the mom things, because it's Christmas, and…" Before Buffy could stop her tears, they were falling, and she turned towards Spike and cried against his shoulder.

Spike wrapped his arms around Buffy, letting her cry for a few moments. Finally, he pulled away and caught her chin in his hand to tilt it up. "What do you usually have for Christmas dinner?"

"Turkey," Buffy said. "It's already been bought, but it's gotta go in soon, I know, because it takes a while, but I don't know how to cook a turkey, and…"

"Shh. It's okay, pet. I know how to cook a turkey. I'm sure between the two of us we can do it almost as good as your mum, yeah?"

Buffy looked at Spike with hope in her eyes. "You really think we can?"

"'Course." Spike tucked Buffy's hair behind her ear and smiled at her. "You already know that I can find my way around a kitchen, and you know what needs to be cooked. We'll be fine."

Buffy threw her arms around Spike and squeezed him tight. "I love you," she whispered.

"I love you, too. Now let's go get that bird in the oven."

*** *** ***


Buffy was pleased to discover that cooking with Spike was even more fun than watching him cook on his own. She still got to check him out, but then there were added bonuses, like the way he came up behind her and wrapped his arm around her waist while she stirred the mashed potatoes. Buffy smiled just thinking about that. It had to be the sexiest cooking she'd ever taken part in, and they'd stayed clothed the entire time.

Visually, at least, the meal had turned out well. They hadn't actually sat down to eat it yet, but Buffy felt confident that no one would be spitting it out in their napkins. Spike had been telling the truth when he'd said he could cook a turkey, and he'd known what to do with the other things as well. Nothing was burnt or looked like something that could qualify as an alien life form, both characteristics of what Buffy felt like was culinary success.

With dinner on the table and her family sitting down to eat, Buffy felt better. That is, until her mother finally decided to come out of her bedroom and join them.

A silence fell on the room when Joyce walked in, and she didn't offer any words to break it. She simply sat down beside her husband, her gaze never hitting Buffy or Spike.

Buffy reached under the table and squeezed Spike's hand as she fought the urge to cry again. They'd worked so hard on dinner, and now with just her presence, Joyce was ruining it all. Buffy didn't understand why her mother couldn't just put it all behind her for just one day and let them have a happy Christmas. Was it really so much to ask that her mother be as much as civil?

Buffy supposed it could've been a good sign that Joyce had joined them, had she not been so cold. She seemed to be using the meal as a forum to express her displeasure, her silence and sour expression serving to put a damper on any festivities.

Giles was the first to speak after the silence that accompanied Joyce's entrance. He cleared his throat and said, "Buffy, Spike, this really is a lovely dinner the two of you have made. It was good of you to do this."

"Yeah, 'cause if it had been left up to me and Giles, we'd be eating something nasty," Dawn added.

Giles gave her a look. "There is nothing wrong with my cooking," he insisted.

"Yes there is," Dawn replied. "It's all British."

"You say that like it's a bad thing, bit," Spike said, his eyebrow raised.

"It is when it comes to food," Dawn said. "Like blood pudding. Yech."

"Have you even ever had blood pudding?" Spike asked.

"Um, no. Like I need more than that name to tell me it's disgusting." Dawn shivered. "And blood sausage, too. What is it with you British people and cooking with blood? Are you all like secretly vampires?" Her eyes widened. "Ooh, and you're all really pale, too! Is that why London is cloudy all the time—so you don't like burst into flames?"

Spike somehow managed to look both annoyed and amused at the same time. "Shut your gob and eat your turkey."

"And what's a gob?" Dawn asked, her mouth twitching up. "Is that even a word?"

Spike sighed. "Both of you Summers sisters in on me about perfectly fine words. Just what I bloody need."

"He's fun to tease," Dawn said with a giggle.

"Isn't he, though?" Buffy agreed. She reached up and ruffled Spike's hair. "He's so cute when he's all irritated."

"Buffy, I'd appreciate a little restraint from you at the dinner table," Joyce snapped, drawing the attention of the room back to her. "It's bad enough whatever the two of you are doing in private, but to flaunt it here like it's anything but disgusting is more than I'm going to tolerate."

Buffy pulled herself up straight. "What Spike and I have is not disgusting. I love him and he loves me."

"Buffy, he's your brother!" Joyce exclaimed.

"No, he isn't!" Buffy replied. "God, Mom, just get over this! Yes, you and Giles are married, but that doesn't make me related to Spike. It's not like I'm having an affair with Dawn!"

"Yeah, that would be ew," Dawn muttered. "Like on more than one level, considering I'm underage and stuff." Joyce shot Dawn a look and the teen immediately grew silent again.

"I don't know what's wrong with you, Buffy that you can't see what you're doing," Joyce said, her attention back on her older daughter. "Do you want to spite me, is that it? Did you figure you hadn't upset me enough with Angel, you'd find an even more wrong relationship to get into?"

"Don't you dare bring Angel into this," Buffy snarled, the vehemence in her tone making Joyce pull back for a moment. "He may have been older than me, yes, but he also died for me, and I will not sit here and let you badmouth him, especially after everything you put the two of us through. And my relationship with Spike has absolutely nothing to do with you. I'm with him because I love him, because he makes me feel something I didn't even think I could feel anymore. I was dying inside, and Spike saved me. He showed me how to feel alive again. And if you can't be happy that I've found someone who means to me what Spike does, then you are the biggest, most unfeeling bitch I have ever met."

Joyce sucked in a breath, her head pulling up. "I don't want the two of you here anymore. Christmas is over, and I want you to be on the soonest flight you can get out of here. Whatever it costs to trade in your tickets for something sooner, I'll pay for, but I don't want to have to spend any more time with this going on under my roof. You might not see it now, Buffy, but someday, you'll see how right I've been, and you'll hate yourself for the choices you've made."

Buffy didn't flinch. "Loving Spike is never something I could hate myself for. He's…he's my soulmate."

The look on Joyce's face was something akin to disgust. "Oh, Buffy, listen to yourself. Soulmate? Grow up and face reality."

"I have," Buffy replied. "You want us out of here, fine. We'll be on the next plane out. But I'm telling you now that I will never, ever speak to you again after this. I came here trying to put the past behind me, and all you've done is spit in my face for it. I don't know what sort of problems you're going through, but I'm not going to deal with them anymore. You want to talk about bad choices? You live with the one where you lost your daughter."

Joyce stood and pushed her chair under the table. "Rupert, make sure they get their tickets taken care of. I'm done here."

The room fell silent again as Joyce stormed out until Dawn finally spoke. "At least the dinner's good."

Buffy laughed softly, though the pain in her eyes was still there. "So it's not a total bust then."

Giles reached across the table and put his hand on top of Buffy's. "Whatever happens, I'm here—for both of you. You may not be siblings, but you are both my children—in my heart at least."

"Thank you, Giles," Buffy replied. "It's nice to know I still have family."

"You do," Dawn said. "I mean, Mom's a loon apparently, but we still love you. And if you want to get all hot and sweaty with Spike, that's your pergative."

Giles took off his glasses and pinched the bridge of his nose. "That's prerogative, Dawn, and please, keep the mental imagery down to a minimum."

"Whatever," Dawn said with a shrug.

"You don't have to leave, if you don't want to," Giles said as he turned his attention away from Dawn and back to Spike and Buffy.

"I know," Buffy replied. "And I appreciate it. But I think it's for the best. There's just too much stress here with her being like this. I can't…I can't do it anymore."

"I understand," Giles told her.

"You and Dawn will have to come visit us in New York," Spike offered. "There's lots of shopping for her and museums for you. You'd both have a great time."

"Yeah," Buffy agreed. "You guys totally should."

Giles smiled and replaced his glasses on his nose. "Then we will."

*** *** ***


That one came out sooner than I was expecting, so there's actually two posts for this fic that aren't like a month apart. First time for everything, I suppose! Please remember to review.
Chapter Twenty-Five by Addie Logan
Buffy didn't think she'd ever been so happy to walk through her own front door in her life. Her small, dark apartment seemed suddenly incredibly welcoming after the days she'd spent trapped under the same roof as her mother. Her old home had become oppressive, the last place she wanted to be, but this—this was her home with Spike.

"God, it's good to be home," she said aloud as she set her luggage down by the kitchen table. "I know we were gone for only a few days, but it felt like forever."

"I'm sorry, luv."

Buffy turned to Spike, a look of confusion on her face. His tone didn't sound like one of empathy, but more like a genuine apology. "Sorry? For what?"

"For making you go," Spike replied. "You said we should stay home, and I should've listened to you. I just didn't realize how bitter Joyce really is about everything. I made you go, and I ruined your Christmas, and I'm sorry."

"Spike, honey," Buffy said softly as she crossed the room to him and took his hand in hers. "You didn't ruin anything. If I really hadn't wanted to go, I wouldn't have gotten on the plane no matter what. Hell, I wouldn't have even left the apartment. And I didn't know she was going to be that bad either. I thought sure, it would be tense, but I had this crazy notion in my head that she'd at least be civil."

"I still made it worse," Spike said. "She wouldn't have gotten as upset as she did if we hadn't been together."

"Then that's her problem," Buffy replied, her tone firm. "I'm with you, I love you, and if she can't handle that, then she has to deal. End of story. And I don't regret going. In a lot of ways, it's better now. Things between my mother and me were just festering, waiting for the point when it would all explode. Well, now it has, and honestly, it feels like there's been a weight lifted off my shoulders. I've gotten to say a lot of things that I've been holding in for years, and really, not talking to her is better than the way things were before. I was getting so tired of walking on eggshells where she's concerned."

"Still, Buffy…"

"No," Buffy said quickly, silencing Spike. "This is better. Besides, I got to reconnect with Giles and Dawn, spend time with them like I haven't in a while. That alone was worth the trip."

Spike seemed unconvinced. "I don't…"

Buffy put her finger against his lips. "Shh. We're home now. Let's just leave all that back in California, okay? It's been days since we've gotten to spend any real time alone together." She gave him a saucy grin and ran her hands down his chest, stopping at his belt to link her thumbs through the loops. "Doncha think there's better things we could be doing right now than worrying about all of that?"

Spike's concerned expression melted into a leer. Quickly, he picked Buffy up and hoisted her over his shoulder. She cried out in surprise, but didn't struggle as he carried her into the bedroom, perfectly content with his reaction. He tossed her down onto the bed and looked at her with darkened eyes. "It's been too long since I've been inside you."

"Actually, the last time was only yesterday morning, but I think you were asleep or something," Buffy said with a teasing smile.

Spike pulled his shirt off over his head. "Not asleep now."

Buffy's eyes traveled down the pale skin of his bare chest to the prominent bulge in his jeans. No, he definitely wasn't asleep at all. She licked her lips.

Spike's gaze as he looked at her in return was hungry, and he told her in a lust-filled voice, "Take off everything but your boots and your knickers, luv."

A shiver went up Buffy's spine at his order. She loved it when he was like this, so strong and sure of what he wanted. Spike never felt shame in his desire, never tried to suppress whatever fantasy came to his mind, and Buffy loved it. Being with him made her feel so free.

She did as he said, then laid back on the bed, presenting herself for him. Spike grinned slowly, then leaned against the wall, his arms crossed over his chest. "Touch your breasts, Buffy."

Just the sound of the lust in his voice almost made her groan, and Buffy followed Spike's instructions, bringing her hands to her breasts. She massaged them slowly, periodically tugging on her nipples, all the while never breaking eye contact with Spike. The blue in his eyes was almost gone now, replaced nearly completely with the black of his pupils, and now, Buffy did moan. A flood of moisture seeped into her panties, and Buffy marveled at how much this man could make her want him without even touching her.

"Move one of your hands down beneath those pretty lil' panties of yours," Spike said, his voice even though his harsh breathing belied how close he was to losing control.

Buffy did as she said, her hand now splayed against her curls, barely hidden by the black lace of her underwear. "Now what do you want me to do for you, baby?" she asked, the question making Spike shiver.

"Push a finger inside your juicy lil' quim." She did, the movement obvious beneath the lace, and Spike smiled seductively. "Does it feel good, kitten?"

"Yes…" Buffy breathed as she pumped her finger in and out of her quivering pussy. Already she was desperate for him. "Spike…please…I need you."

"Do you?"

"Yes. I need you all the time, Spike. And, oh god, I need you now."

Spike waited only long enough to take off his boots and his jeans before he joined her on the bed. Buffy whimpered when he pulled her finger away, but moaned loudly when he slid her panties off her legs and filled her with his tongue. She bucked against him shamelessly, and Spike lapped at her, his eyes closing in an expression of ecstasy. The taste of her pleasure was something he never thought he could get enough of.

Suddenly, he surged up her body, capturing her mouth in a heated kiss. Buffy could taste herself on his lips and tongue, and it only served to make her want him more. She slid her hand between their bodies and grasped his hard cock, feeling it move against her palm. She guided him to her entrance and pushed the head inside before she pulled back to let him thrust in the rest of the way.

Spike moaned as he felt her velvet heat clamping around him, holding him tightly inside of her body. Every time with Buffy was like a shock to his system, the intense sensation of filling her something he could never grow accustomed to. He reached down and picked up her legs, then hooked them over his arms so he could drive in at a deeper angle. He shivered as he looked at her leather-encased calves, the sight one that never failed to enflame him. "You're so fucking gorgeous," Spike told her before he crashed his lips against hers again, kissing her hard as he started a steady pumping with his hips.

Buffy mewled into his mouth, her body thrusting up to meet his. The sex they'd had early on Christmas morning had taken the edge off, but she'd missed having this with him, this losing of herself in wild abandon. Spike turned her on like no other man she'd ever known, and every time with him was electric, his touch like fire against her needy skin. She could feel his cock pulsing inside of her with his every surge, and his hard chest was rubbing against her breasts, causing a delicious friction.

With a heady moan, she tore her lips away from him. "Spike…" she panted, her voice coated thick with desire. "Oh yeah…harder, baby, please. Do it harder."

Spike's eyes rolled back in his head as his hips ground harder into her, not a moment's hesitation when it came to giving into Buffy's heated cries. "You're so sexy like this, kitten," he told her, his breath hot against her ear. "Love how much you want me."

"I want you all the time. I can't get enough of you filling me." She followed her words with a whimper, and Spike could tell she was close. He moved her legs up higher, pushed himself in deeper, and Buffy's eyes grew wide, a gasp coming from her.

"That's it, baby," Spike said, his voice almost a purr. "Come on, sweetheart. Let go for me, Buffy. I wanna feel it when you come."

Buffy gasped again, louder this time, then cried out as she began to shake with orgasm. Spike's thrusts grew less steady, less measured, as he felt her come, and soon, he released inside of her with a shout, his orgasm coming on the tail of hers.

Both of them panting heavily as they tried to catch their breath, they collapsed together in a heap. Spike let her legs go, and they fell limp, her booted feet hitting the mattress with dull thuds. "God, it feels good to be home," Buffy said after a moment, a smile on her face.

Spike chuckled. "Bloody right it does."

Buffy sat up to take off her boots and then curled up next to Spike. As their bodies began to cool, the room felt chilled, and Spike pulled the blankets up over them. Buffy smiled as she snuggled closer to him, loving the feel of being bundled up like this with him. She felt safe, and warm, and loved—just like she wanted to be.

"Are you okay, pet?" Spike asked after a moment. "I mean, really okay?"

"Yeah, I am," Buffy told him. "Sure, I'd be lying if I said that everything that happened with my mother didn't upset me and yeah, I'm sad that that's the way things happened, but I'm okay. Honestly, this has been coming for years. Our relationship has never been a great one. When we lived in L.A. she was barely around, always going to some big function with Dad or doing something with her friends. And then when we got to Sunnydale, it really wasn't that much better, only then it was extended buying trips for the gallery. She'd be gone for days, and before Giles came along, it was just me and Dawn fending for ourselves. And then when everything started with Angel, our relationship got more and more strained."

Buffy was silent for a moment before she took a deep breath and spoke again. "She's my mother, but I don't really know her. We barely ever did anything together when I was growing up, and half the time when we did, it was just because she wanted to show someone what a dedicated mother she could be. It's not like she was a bad mother, she just wasn't really a great one either. When she was around, she'd do the mom things like take me shopping for back-to-school clothes or make me chicken soup when I was sick, but then there was also the drinking, and the yelling, and the fact that she can be just mean. My boyfriend died in my arms, and her response was to lock me away. I was scared and hurting, and she called me insane for it. How could I ever forgive her completely for even that alone?"

Spike tightened his grip on her. "I don't know, kitten. I wish I had an answer for you, I really do."

"I don't think some things have answers," Buffy replied. "But I have you—and you make me happy. I like the life we have here together, and if my mother won't do what it takes to find a place in the life I have now, then I don't need her in it. It would be nice, sure, if she stopped being a bitch long enough to just be happy that I'm happy, but I don't need her to do that to feel complete as a person or something like that. If anything, this trip showed me just how much it really is her problem. We're not estranged because I moved to New York. It's because she refuses to do anything but hold on to her anger and make everything between us turn into something negative. That's not something I need in my life, and I'm not suffering from the lack of it."

Spike brushed his hand over her hair, a gesture that never failed to soothe her. "As long as you're really happy, pet. You told your mum you weren't ever going to speak to her again. I don't want that to turn out to be something you regret later on down the road."

Buffy sighed. "I know. And in all honesty, can I say that if my mother broached the subject of reconciliation that I'd turn her down? No, probably not, not if I thought she was really sincere. I don't think we'll ever be a mother-daughter best friends team, but if she were willing to let it all go and at least have some sort of relationship, then I wouldn't refuse her. But I'm not going to be the one to make the first move. There's too much, and I just can't. I can't keep dealing with her judgmental crap. If she wants to rebuild a relationship with me where she can treat me decently, fine, but I don't see that happening anytime soon, and because of that, I'm cutting myself off. If that's a problem with her, she can do something about it. If not, well, I'm not going to keep suffering because of it. I've already wasted too much time and energy on her, and it's gotten me nowhere."

"Whatever you decide to do, pet, I support you."

"I know." Buffy kissed Spike's cheek. "That's one of the things I love most about you. You've always got my back."

"I do. 'S a nice view back there, too." He wiggled his eyebrows as he cupped her bottom.

Buffy rolled her eyes. "You are the biggest perv ever. Seriously. You're like a walking, talking hormone."

"And your point is what exactly?" Spike asked,

"That you're a perv."

"Uh huh. And I'm supposed to what, feel chagrined?"

Buffy snorted. "Yeah, like that would ever happen. You're not just a perv—you're a shameless perv."

Spike rolled them over so he was on top of her, propped up on his arms. "Complaining?"

Buffy gave him a wicked grin. "Hell no." She reached up and grabbed his face to pull him down for a passionate kiss.

*** *** ***


So now they're finally back in New York. Still enjoying the story? Please review!
Chapter Twenty-Six by Addie Logan
Being the girlfriend of a musician definitely had its pros and cons come New Year's Eve. On the one hand, Buffy had to spent most of the evening just watching her boyfriend as he performed on stage instead of actually being with him. On the other, she got to spend most of the evening watching her boyfriend perform on stage.

Buffy couldn't think of a time when Spike wasn't sexy. His every move was done with pure masculine grace, every bit of him oozing sex appeal. But when he was on stage… He was completely in his element when he was in front of a crowd, their cheers and claps feeding him. He commanded the attention of the audience, and Buffy noticed that more than a few of the women were swooning. A crowd of them had gathered at the bottom of the stage, and were screaming for him, a couple looking like they were going to faint when he turned and smiled at them with his tongue curled against his teeth.

At the moment, it didn't make her jealous. Quite the contrary. It made her proud. Those women could look all they wanted, but she was the one who would be going home with him that night.

Buffy felt an elbow nudge her slightly from the side followed by a voice speaking in her ear. "I know what you're thinking about."

She turned towards the woman who had spoken—Mona, the girlfriend of the band's drummer, Rory. In the months that Buffy had been dating Spike, she'd come to regard Mona as a friend, always seeking her out whenever she came to see Spike perform. "Oh yeah? Then what am I thinking about?" she replied.

"How much you want to do that gorgeous man up on the stage," Mona replied with a smirk. "It's all over your face."

Buffy couldn't help her giggle. "Pretty much. I'm so lucky."

Mona chuckled, but didn't say anything else, the noise level in the club making it difficult to carry on a conversation. Buffy rested her head in her hands as she turned her attention back to Spike, a smile breaking over her face. She was so in love that it made her giddy, and she was happy just to get to watch him. Several times during the night, he'd tossed a look her way, giving her a wink or a smile, just enough to make her feel tingly. She felt drunk on the sight of him alone.

The band announced their break, and Spike jumped down from the stage, avoiding his female admirers as he did, instead heading straight for Buffy. He kissed her as soon as he reached her, earning her a few glares, but Buffy didn't care about that at all. Spike was hers, after all.

"You two get a room," Mona teased as she got to her feet. "You're like lovesick teenagers."

Buffy turned to her, noticing the way the corner of the other woman's mouth was curved up in an almost-smile. "It's not my fault he's completely irresistible," she said.

"Can't say that I blame you," Mona replied. "I'd be all over him if he was mine, too." She gave Spike a playful wink.

Spike laughed. "Think I'd get myself into some trouble that way, Mo," he said. "With that man right over there." He nodded towards Rory.

"Eh, he'd deal," Mona said with a wave of her hand. "But I'm going over there to see him now—give you two some alone time." With a wink, she turned and left Buffy and Spike on their own.

"You looked so hot up there," Buffy said, her hand traveling up Spike's thigh. "I love watching you sing."

Spike's smile morphed into a leer as he leaned in closer to Buffy, his lips against her ear. "That so, pet? How about we use my break to sneak off for a bit, hmm?"

Buffy practically moaned at just the thought. She took Spike's hand, ready to take him up on his offer and pull him off somewhere where they could find a little privacy when a high-pitched screech brought her to a stop and put her nerves on edge.

"Blondie Bear? Oh my god, is that really you? Wow, I can't believe I ran into you here!"

Buffy might have found the look on Spike's face comical if she could find anything having to do with him and Harmony funny. As it was, she just wanted to grab the other woman by the hair and let her know in no uncertain terms that ever coming near Spike again would get her at the very least maimed. But that was childish and smacked of insecurity, and Buffy knew she had nothing to be insecure about. Spike wanted her, not the Barbie wannabe currently hanging over their table.

"Harm…" Spike began, his teeth now set on edge. "I've been on stage all night, not to mention there have been flyers announcing my band performing here around for weeks. There is no way that you 'running into me' is a coincidence."

Harmony rolled her eyes overdramatically. "Like I'd plan to see you. I'm not totally desperate, Spikey." Her expression changed and she smiled in a way that she probably thought was seductive. Buffy thought it made her look drunk and more than a little cross-eyed. "It must've just been fate, bringing us together again. I mean, I'm here alone, you're here alone…"

"Hello!" Buffy yelled, finally deciding it was time to speak up. "He is not here alone."

Harmony turned to Buffy and somehow managed to glare and give a fake smile at the same time. "Oh, hi, Bitzy. I like totally didn't see you sitting there! You don't mind if I borrow Spikey for a bit, do you?"

"It's Buffy. And yes, I mind. As a matter of fact, I mind so much that if you touch him, I will rip your arm off. Got that Harm?"

Harmony did have the sense to look a little frightened, though not the sense to leave the table. Or not to say the next thing that came to her mind. "Oh my god, Spike, don't tell me you're with her! Ew!"

Fury coursed through Buffy's body. She hated to think about Spike being with anyone else, especially someone like Harmony. She wondered what Spike would be doing that night if he wasn't with her. Would he be going home with Harmony or would he take his pick from the other women there more than willing to throw themselves into his arms? Spike was gorgeous enough as it was, but add in the fact that he was the lead singer of the band, and he was practically covered in skank-nip.

"Yes, he is with me," Buffy said as she got to her feet. "And we were about to go have a quickie between sets, so if you'll excuse us…" She pulled Spike up by his arm and practically dragged him away from the table and into a storeroom in the back.

Spike swallowed as Buffy shut the door behind them. "Pet, what are you…" He stopped short when Buffy turned around and he saw the look in her eyes. In the months they'd spent together, she'd never looked at him quite like that before.

"You're mine," Buffy said before she tackled him, her legs going around his waist and her arms around his neck. Spike stumbled backwards until he hit the wall, but Buffy didn't stop or even slow. She attacked him with her mouth, raining kisses and sharp nips up his neck and jaw line.

"Oh god, Buffy…" Spike groaned as he wrapped his arms around her waist, his erection already needy against her as her aggression got him ready in record time.

"You're mine," Buffy said again, taking his earlobe in her mouth and tugging on it with her teeth.

"Yes, baby, all yours," Spike replied, his words thick with lust. "All yours."

Buffy's hands slipped between their bodies to open his pants and pull his cock out as he pushed her skirt up and over her hips. Her thong was easily moved to the side, and Spike slid inside her, finding her already more than wet enough to accommodate him.

Their current position made it hard for Spike to get any leverage, and he spun them around so Buffy now had her back against the wall. She gasped as it pushed him in deeper, let him thrust harder.

Buffy didn't try to hold in her cries, didn't try to hide what they were doing in here from anyone outside the door. She wanted them to know. Harmony, the women at the bottom of the stage, she wanted them all to know that Spike was not theirs. He was hers.

She leaned in and latched on to his neck, sucking hard on the flesh there, marking him. She wanted it big enough to be seen from the stage, wanted every woman who looked at him to know he was taken.

She could tell from the sounds Spike was making that he was close, and soon his talented fingers were between their bodies, stroking her clit until she was screaming in orgasm, her inner muscles milking him as he followed her over a split second later.

"Bloody hell," Spike gasped as he released her legs. Buffy trembled against him, one arm wrapped tightly around him for support as the other worked to right her clothes. Spike tucked himself back in his jeans and pulled his zipper up with regret.

"Mmm…" Buffy purred, satiated, as she licked the spot she'd left on Spike's neck.

Spike's mouth went to the top of her head, and he murmured against her hair, "You gave me a hickey, didn't you?"

Buffy giggled. "Mmhmm."

"Easier than writing 'Property of Buffy Summers' across my forehead?"

"Yup."

Spike couldn't help but revel in her possessiveness. He was hers completely, and he couldn't be happier about it. Still, he wanted to make sure she knew it, too. "You don't have to worry about Harmony, pet. She doesn't mean anything to me. You're the only woman I want."

Buffy nuzzled her body against his. "I know. But I want to make sure she knows that, too. I want all of them to know."

Spike lifted his head and took her chin in his hand, tilting her face so he can look into her eyes. "Do they bother you, Buffy? Tell me honestly."

Buffy shook her head. "Not as long as they keep your hands off. I mean, you're gorgeous, so there's no way they're not going to be all drooly about you. I can't blame them for that. But at the same time, I have to stake my claim. You're quite a catch, and you're mine." She grinned at him. "Gotta make sure they all know they can look, but not touch."

Spike's hands trailed down to her bottom and he grabbed her, pushing her closer to him again. "You're the only one who gets to touch, baby."

Buffy's breathing grew heavy again, her hands gripping the fabric of his t-shirt. "Good. I like touching. Don't wanna stop touching…"

Spike dipped his head, capturing her lips for a kiss. Already he wanted her again, the taste of her making him feel drunk with desire. When he told her she was the only woman he wanted touching him, he'd been speaking with complete honesty. Since the first time she'd touched him, his need had become focused, centered on Buffy and Buffy alone. No woman had ever captured him the way she had, not even Drusilla. She was his sexual equal, and Spike knew that no other woman would ever be able to make him feel what Buffy did. Why go for something new when he already had the best?

He wanted to stay with her in that storage room. Hell, he wanted to take her home and make love to her over and over again until they feel asleep, exhausted, in each other's arms. But he still had another set to do, and the rush he got from being on stage was the closest thing he knew to being with Buffy, even if it did fall into second place. He'd finish the gig and then bring her home, ring in the New Year right.

"I have to get back on stage, luv," Spike said as he broke away, his lips still almost touching hers.

"I know," Buffy replied, though her voice had a tone of regret. "More later?"

"You better believe it, baby." Drawn to her, Spike kissed her again, unable to resist another taste of her lips. After a moment, he pulled away, panting. He took a deep breath, trying to get control of himself so he could go back to perform. "Right. Later."

"Later," Buffy agreed with a nod.

They walked out back into the club together, Buffy wrapped around Spike's arm. It was obvious to anyone with an ounce of perception what they'd been doing. Buffy caught Harmony's eye from across the room and gave her a smug smile, enjoying the look the blonde woman gave her in response. Asking her if she could "borrow" Spike… Just the thought of that made Buffy want to throttle her. She was secure enough in her relationship to believe Spike when he told her she was the only woman he wanted—she just wanted to make sure Harmony and the other women there like her knew it as well.

Spike brought her back over to the table, Mona there again. "We were beginning to wonder if you were gonna come back and finish the set or not, Spike," Mona teased with a smile.

"I got a little distracted," Spike replied.

"I see that," Mona said, gesturing to Spike's neck. "Have a good time?"

Spike grinned, the expression answer enough. He leaned down and kissed Buffy before hopping back up on stage to start the next set.

Mona glanced over at Buffy and shook her head, clicking her tongue. Buffy giggled. "Well, do you blame me?"

"Not a bit," Mona replied. "Not one bit."

*** *** ***


A minute before midnight, Spike pulled Buffy up on stage with him. He held her a small distance from him, looking into her eyes as the last seconds of the year ticked away.

Soon, the people around them began to count down, but Buffy and Spike remained silent, their focus completely on each other, their bodies trembling with the need to touch.

At the shouts of "One!" followed by a myriad of "Happy New Years," their lips met, ringing in the year with a passionate kiss. With the feel of Spike against her, Buffy knew in her heart that this year would be the best she'd known in a long time.

*** *** ***


No, you're not going crazy. That really was two posts to this fic in a week. And guess what? Barring RL being annoying *knock on wood* there's going to be two next week as well, most likely on Tuesday and Thursday. (Though don't panic if it turns out to be Wednesday and Friday or something. I'm not setting anything in stone.)

Please take a moment to review!
Chapter Twenty-Seven by Addie Logan
The beginning of May was Buffy's favorite time of year. Well, after the hell of exams week anyway. She loved the moment of walking out of her last exam and knowing for the next few months, she wouldn't have to worry about any of that anymore. She was embarking on a blissful period of warm weather and freedom. Granted, she'd still have to work, but at least when she came home she could just relax and not have to worry about papers or tests. Besides, it wasn't like working at the shop with Anya was all that stressful anyway. As long as the money was never endangered, Anya was a surprisingly understanding boss. Or maybe that was just because Buffy knew her well enough by now to not be offended by her brash manners.

Buffy practically skipped up the stairs to her apartment, her body thrumming with excitement at the thought of seeing Spike now that the pressures of final exams were no longer weighing on her. She felt like she'd been a neglectful girlfriend for days now, her entire focus centered on last-minute preparing for tests and writing the insane number of term papers that all seemed to be due on the same day. Not that Spike had complained. He'd been completely understanding and had made sure that she didn't have to worry about anything but studying. He'd fed her, kept the apartment tidy, given her shoulder rubs when she'd been sore. He'd even gone out in the middle of the night to find her ice cream when she'd decided she couldn't possibly cram any more into her brain unless she had a pint of Ben and Jerry's Chunky Monkey.

She had the perfect boyfriend, and now she wanted to show him how grateful she was.

Only as soon as she walked into the apartment, she knew something was wrong. Spike was in the living room, pacing, and she'd known him long enough to know that that meant something was worrying him. He stopped short when he realized Buffy was home and turned towards her, breathing in deeply as he smiled at her with a smile that didn't quite reach his eyes. "Hey, luv. How were your exams?"

"Over," Buffy replied. "What's up with you?"

Spike shook his head and said quickly, "Nothing. I'm fine. Do you need anything?"

Buffy shut and locked the front door, then dropped her things on the table. "I need you to tell me what's up, Spike. You're horrible at keeping anything to yourself, especially with me. So spill."

Spike sighed and flopped down on the couch. Buffy came into the living room and sat beside him, her back upright as she waited for Spike to tell her what was going on.

"I didn't want to dump this on you when you first got back from your exams," Spike said. "I wanted to give you time to relax."

"Spike, honey, is something wrong? Please, tell me."

"There was a record executive that came out last night to hear us, Buffy."

Buffy grew completely still for a moment. She hadn't expected that. She hadn't expected anything in the neighborhood of that. Spike's behavior led her to believe that it was something bad, but that didn't sound like it was. Granted, he could be about to tell her that the record executive had hated them and walked out in disgust, but this wasn't the sort of behavior Spike would be exhibiting then. That would involve ranting. "And what happened?"

"He wants to sign us."

Buffy's jaw dropped, her eyes going wide. For a moment, she could only stare, unable to come up with anything to say. Finally, she blinked and found her voice again. "Spike, that's wonderful! That's just…wow. Why are you pacing around here looking like someone just died instead of celebrating?"

"Because he wants the band in Los Angeles."

Oh. Buffy swallowed. "Like, permanently?"

"For a while, yeah," Spike replied. "His studio is out there, and he wants us there to record the album. And then there would be all the promoting, possibly touring… I don't know when I could come back to New York."

Buffy chewed on her bottom lip. So this was why Spike was upset… She took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "What are the options?"

"We can go to Los Angeles together, and you leave everything you have in New York, I stay in New York and give up the deal, or…" Spike stopped, swallowing hard. "Or I go to L.A. by myself."

Buffy felt cold at just the mention of the last choice. But were the other two really any better? Could she leave New York, leave school, her job, her friends—her life? And on the other hand, could she ask Spike to give up his dreams? She knew this was the sort of opportunity that only came along once. If Spike told the record executive no, then he was most likely throwing away the only chance he'd ever have to make it big.

"Do you have to make a decision right now?" Buffy asked.

Spike shook his head. "No. We have a few days," he replied.

Buffy leaned over and rested her head on Spike's shoulder, and he wrapped his arm around her to hold her. They were both silent for a long while before he spoke. "I'll stay if you ask me to, Buffy."

"I know." And she did. She knew how Spike felt for her, what he'd be willing to do for her. In the time that they'd been together, she'd learned that Spike loved with every bit of himself, willing to make any sacrifice he needed to for the person who had his heart. That wasn't the question.

No, the question was, would she be able to sacrifice for him. And if she couldn't, could she let him go?

*** *** ***


As soon as the shop was empty of customers, Anya approached Buffy, her hands planted squarely on her hips. "Okay, I gave you a whole week off so you could study for your exams. They are now over, so you should be able to work distraction-free. Why are you still distracted?"

Buffy blinked. "Huh? I'm not distracted."

Anya rolled her eyes. "Please." She looked behind her at the other woman in the shop. "Sophie, deal with any customers that come in. I have to talk to Buffy."

Sophie gave a quick "okay" followed by a sneeze, and Anya took Buffy by the arm and dragged her back into the office, ignoring her protests.

"Tell me why you're not focused on selling things and making me money today," Anya said once they were behind closed doors.

Buffy sighed. She didn't want to talk, but that wasn't an option with Anya. Clearly, Anya was at a complete loss when it came to the subject of wanting to keep things to one's self. "It's Spike."

"Have the orgasms started lacking?" Anya asked. "Because I know lots of ways to heat things up in the bedroom."

"No, the orgasms are fine," Buffy replied, the shock of Anya's frank sex talk long since worn off. "It's well…"

Anya smiled her bright, customer service smile, which Buffy was beginning to think was the only way she knew how to smile, and pointed to the small couch in the office. "Here, have a seat and we'll have girl talk."

Buffy sat down without protest. Maybe she did need to talk to someone about this… She'd wanted to talk to Willow, but she wasn't in that day, so that left Anya. As soon as Anya was seated beside her, Buffy said, "Spike's been offered a record deal."

"What?! That's good news! Why are you mopey when you have good news? That's just silly."

"Because in order for him to take the record deal he has to move to Los Angeles," Buffy replied.

"So? I'm still not seeing the bad," Anya said.

"Anya, we live in New York. I can't just up and move back to California."

Anya sighed as if she were about to explain something to a very young, very slow child. "Buffy, Spike's being offered a record deal. He's got a good voice and he's absolutely gorgeous, which means he's going to be ridiculously famous. What could possibly be better here in New York than being with a rock star, huh? I mean, come on. Go to L.A., and live the life of the rich and famous, and stop being such a silly baby about it."

Buffy blinked. Leave it to Anya to put it in those terms. "It's…it's not that simple. I mean, yeah, I'm sure Spike would go far and all, but… I have school. And a life here. And I left California for reasons. Lots and lots of good reasons." She looked down at her hands. "Spike said he'd stay in New York if I want him to."

"Don't you dare ask him to do that!" Anya snapped, making Buffy look up again sharply. "For one thing, it's grossly unfair. And for another, he'll resent you. Maybe not right away, but eventually. He'll start to see you as the reason why he never made it big, and he'll hate you for it."

Buffy nodded grimly. She'd had the same worry herself… "I just don't know what to do. He's going to have to give his answer soon."

"The answer is obvious, Buffy," Anya said in her usual matter-of-fact tone. You love Spike, and he absolutely adores you. Any moron can see that. Men like that don't come along very often, and you'd be the biggest idiot in the world to let him go, especially to hold on to what you have here. I mean really, what's so great about your life? You're going to school. Okay, they have schools in Los Angeles, too, so it's not like you'd have to throw away getting a degree. Your job? Sure, you'd be hard to replace because you're very persuasive, but it's not like making a little over minimum wage doing retail is something to give up being with a rock star for. Think about it. Spike's gonna make like a gazillion dollars. In a few years, you'll be living a way cushy life. So just go to L.A. and stop being such a big whiner."

"Anya, it's really not that…"

Anya cut her off. "Not that simple? Yes, Buffy, it is. Spike is the best thing in your life. We both know that. If you make him stay, then there's the resentment thing, and probably some guilt on your part. It'll damage the relationship, and you'll lose him. If you let him go without you, then you'll definitely be losing him, and soon. And then you'll have to deal with the fact that your ex is famous and you see him everywhere, and won't that just be a knife through the heart? So go. I'm going to consider this your notice and start looking for your replacement."

"What? I haven't decided yet, Anya. I…"

"Oh Buffy, stop it. You're being insane. This is a great opportunity for you and Spike. So you had reasons for leaving California. Big deal. Now you have reasons for going back."

Buffy paused. Anya was right. Not going to L.A. would mean losing Spike, either immediately or eventually, and that wasn't something Buffy wanted. She glanced down at her hand and the ring she'd been wearing there since Christmas, and her mind was made up. "All right. I'll go."

"Yay!" Anya exclaimed and she leaned across the couch to give Buffy a quick, awkward hug. She pulled back again. "Remember me when you're the wife of a millionaire rock star, okay? Think to yourself, hey, if it wasn't for Anya Jenkins, I wouldn't be here—I should send her some money!"

Buffy laughed. "I'll keep that in mind."

*** *** ***


Spike was sprawled on the couch watching television when Buffy got home, but he sat up abruptly when he heard her come in. There had been a layer of tension between them since he'd told her about his potential record deal, the suddenly up-in-the-air status of their relationship the proverbial gorilla in the room.

But Buffy had made her decision now. She wanted to be with Spike, and if that meant making a move to Los Angeles, then that's what she'd do. Anything else would mean losing Spike she knew, and that wasn't something she was prepared for. She joined him in the living room, sitting up straight as she faced him. "I want to talk to you about moving to L.A."

Spike sucked in a breath, and Buffy could see that he was nervous about what she had to say. "Have you made up your mind?"

Buffy nodded. "I did. I think we should go."

He looked surprised by her answer, and Buffy realized then that he'd been expecting her to say no. "Really? Are you absolutely sure, pet, because…"

"I'm sure," Buffy said. "Spike, this is your big chance, and it would be totally unfair of me to ask you to pass it up like that. And well, on that note, I can't give you up either. I love you, and I want to be with you. You've got more waiting for you in Los Angeles than I have here for me in New York, so we'll go. I might have to take a semester off, but I can transfer to a school there, and we'll work everything else out."

The worried look on Spike's face turned into a smile. "You mean that, Buffy? You'll go?"

"Yes. I will," Buffy replied.

Spike pulled her into his arms and held her tightly. "I didn't want to lose you, pet. You mean more to me than anything else. Anything."

"You mean more to me than anything else, too," Buffy said as she returned the embrace, happy just to be in his arms. "As long as I have you, everything else will be okay. I know it will."

Spike kissed the top of her head, breathing in the sweet scent of her hair. "It will, Buffy. I promise you. I'll never make you regret this."

Buffy held on to him tighter, believing in her heart that everything would work out for the best.

*** *** ***


And some people said I was out of plot… I've had a plan for this story since the beginning, and no, it is not close to over. So hang in there with me for a little while longer!

Please take a moment to review. It means a lot to me to see what you think about my writing.
Chapter Twenty-Eight by Addie Logan
"I can't believe you're really leaving!" Willow exclaimed as she leaned against the box she'd just finished taping shut. "I'm going to miss you!"

"I'm going to miss you, too, Wills," Buffy replied. "But I'll come to visit you, and you'll come to visit me. It's not good-bye forever."

The redhead shook her finger at Buffy. "It better not be. Or I'll have to come down to L.A. and kick your butt."

Buffy chuckled. "Not gonna happen."

"So is everything all set for you guys in L.A.?" Tara asked, leaning against another box.

"Yep. Giles helped us with the apartment hunting, and we have one all ready and waiting for us. And with Spike's signing bonus, all the moving expenses are covered."

"That's great," Tara said. "This has got to be really exciting for you, Buffy."

"It is. A little butterfly-in-the-stomach making, too, but I'm trying to be all positive girl about it. The record company seems really excited about signing them, and they think they've got a hit on their hands, so I think it's going to be good."

Willow cleared her throat, then asked, not looking at Tara as she spoke, "How about Oz? Is he…is he happy?"

Sometimes Buffy forgot about the overlap between her life with her friends and her life with Spike, as represented by Oz. By the time she'd met Willow, Willow had already been with Tara, and Buffy had never seen her together with Oz. But she'd gotten the impression that it had once been pretty serious, and with the way Tara's eyes were fixed on the carpet, it was still an uncomfortable subject. "He is," Buffy said. "I mean, I think he is. He is Oz, after all, so it's not all that easy to tell."

Willow chuckled. "True. He never was all that forthcoming with, well, any sort of emotional response."

An uncomfortable silence filled the room for a moment until Willow spoke again, deciding it was most likely better to change topics. "You said Giles found you guys an apartment?"

"Helped with it, yeah," Buffy replied. "He's a lot closer to L.A. than we are, after all."

"So your mom, does she know anything about it?" Willow asked.

Buffy almost groaned. Like jumping from one uncomfortable topic to another was any real help. Granted, Willow had only gotten the condensed version of what had gone on at Christmas, but still… "I don't know. Giles hasn't mentioned her, and neither have I. We're not speaking now, and I don't see that miraculously changing just because I'm back in California. I have no intention of seeing her."

The front door opened, and Spike, Xander, and Anya walked in with lunch, letting the conversation about her mother drop, for which Buffy was grateful. Soon she was going to have to be saying good-bye to her friends, and she didn't want to spend her last few days with them thinking of unpleasant things. She wanted to be positive, enjoy what time she had left in New York and think of the move as starting a new chapter in her life, not going back to face things she'd run from when she'd come here.

With a smile on her face, she ate lunch with her friends.

*** *** ***


Aside from an air mattress they'd borrowed from Tara and Willow and their suitcases, the apartment was empty. All their stuff had been shipped to California, where Giles would see to it that it was waiting for them in what was to be their new apartment.

Buffy wrapped her arms around herself as she looked around the place that had been her home for years now. It had been where she'd cried herself to sleep night after night, cold and alone and longing for Angel. It had also been the same place where she'd finally found happiness in Spike's arms, where they'd come to call home.

She had so many memories in this apartment, both good and bad, and leaving it now left her with mixed feelings. She was still reluctant, really, to give up the life she'd built for herself in New York and start again in California. What if she was making the wrong choice? What if leaving their home made everything fall apart between her and Spike? Odds were, he was going to be very famous, very soon. How would that change things? Women were already launching themselves at him now—how would they be when he was in something bigger than a bar band?

In moving now, she was putting Spike first. For one thing, it was a little late to start a transfer now, so she'd have to take at least a semester off from school. On top of that, the idea of moving back to California didn't exactly thrill her. She liked New York, even with the rough time she'd had there. She'd decided quickly that it was where she wanted to be, and that was a big reason why she'd struggled to keep going instead of throwing in the towel and going back home. And now, after all of that, she was going to end up in California anyway. She wondered if it was fate or just a big coincidence.

Her doubts swam furiously through her mind until Spike came up behind her and wrapped his arms around her waist, and they all seemed to disappear. She was doing this to be with him, and because of that, it couldn't possibly be the wrong decision to make. They were in love and they were happy together. They'd be happy in Los Angeles, too. They'd make a new home for themselves there and everything would find a way of working itself out.

The part of her that was still broken and cynical told her she was being overly optimistic, but she ignored it. Spike was why she was as happy as she was now, so as long as he was with her in L.A., she'd still be happy. It was as simple as that.

She leaned back against him, a soft smile coming to her lips when she felt the warm muscles of his chest. Spike kissed her hair, then asked her, "Are you okay, kitten?"

"I'm fine, honey," Buffy replied. She looked up at him, her smile still on her face. "Really, I am. I mean, yeah, a little nervous 'cause hey, big move, but I think it's the right thing to do. I want to be with you, so if you're in L.A., then so am I."

"I know I'm asking a lot from you, Buffy. I probably shouldn't…"

Buffy turned in Spike's arms and put a finger to his lips to silence him. "It would be asking a lot more of you if I made you stay here with me, Spike. You've worked really hard to get this opportunity, and you can't pass it up. And hey, if living in L.A. totally sucks, you'll be like a huge rock star soon enough, and we'll be able to live anywhere."

Spike chuckled. "You've got a lot of faith in me, pet. There's no guarantee that this album will actually have any success."

"Yes there is. You're talented, handsome, and full of charisma—everything a lead singer needs—and the band is great. You guys are going to be huge. You'll have to fend off the groupies with a stick."

"Which I will be doing, by the way," Spike said, caressing her cheek as he spoke. "I don't care how many desperately horny women throw their panties at me, you're still going to be my one and only girl, Buffy."

"Aww, you sweet talker, you," Buffy teased.

"Does that bother you at all?" Spike asked, his expression growing serious. "The idea of me leaving you for another woman?"

Buffy worried her lip between her teeth for a moment as she thought about his question. "No…but yes, too."

Spike's eyebrow arched. "Um, that's not exactly an answer, Buffy. Not one that makes any sense anyway."

Buffy sighed. "Okay, I'll try to explain. I trust you, Spike. And I know you love me, and you want me, and all of that. But I can't help but be a little worried, you know? I mean, fame changes people. And how many famous musicians do you know of that are still with the people they were with before they got famous? So, see? Not worried and worried."

"I need you in my life, Buffy. Without you, I'm just a bloody wreck. And didn't Jon Bon Jovi marry his high school sweetheart?"

"I think they broke up for a while and got back together."

"So we'll do even better." Spike kissed her until she was pliant in his arms, the tension in her body draining away under his skilled touch. "We're forever, you and me," he said when he finally broke away from her lips. "We're too good together to be anything but."

"I do trust you, Spike. I trust us. It's just hard not to be a little nervous, you know? This is a huge step, in so many ways."

"I know, kitten. But we're making it together, and that's what counts. Fifty years from now we're gonna be looking back on this as an old, happily married couple."

"You really think so?"

"I know so."

Buffy slid her arms though his, her hands against his back. "You know, this is our last night in this apartment."

Spike's expression shifted into a leer as he realized the new direction she was brining their conversation and decided he was perfectly happy to go there. Buffy didn't have a reason to worry. He'd already made up his mind that he was going to spend the rest of his life with her, and no amount of groupies was going to change that. He'd done the meaningless relationships thing, and it had left him unsatisfied. Why would he want to go back to that now when he had Buffy?

"Wanna give it something to remember us by?" Spike asked, waggling his eyebrows.

"It was the first place we ever made love," Buffy pointed out. "Though we've found all sorts of new places since then."

"True. Before we got together, I never would've pegged you for the semi-public sex type, pet."

"I wasn't then," Buffy replied. "It's all your fault. You make my sex drive short circuit my brain, you bad, bad boy you."

Spike responded with a tongue curl, and Buffy was glad she was holding on to him as her legs turned to jelly. She hoped the bit of worry she was feeling was all for nothing, because she knew Spike had ruined her for all other men. How could she settle for anyone else after everything he'd shown her?

Spike lowered her down to the carpet as he kissed her again, hardening at the feel and sound of her moaning into his mouth. Buffy brought something out in him that he hadn't truly felt until he'd met her. His sex life pre-Buffy hadn't exactly been all vanilla, but something about her encouraged him to go further, to test the levels of their passion over and over again. Every time with her was mind-blowing, and left him constantly craving more. Just a smile from her, and Spike was ready to go, anywhere, anytime.

The thought of him ever needing another woman was completely ludicrous as far as Spike was concerned, and he set out to show her exactly that.

*** *** ***


Buffy sat beside Spike on another plane bound for California, and this time, the trip was one way. Her emotions ran the gamut from terrified to excited, and she tried to her best to calm herself, knowing that it would be difficult to sit in this seat for as long as she had to if she felt like she was about to jump out of her skin. The plane hadn't even left the runway yet…

She rubbed her hands, wincing at the soreness there. "This carpet burn is really unpleasant," she muttered to Spike. "And my knees don't feel much better."

"Sorry, luv," Spike replied. "Maybe we should've stopped after we killed the air mattress."

"We probably should've stopped before we killed the air mattress. What a way to say good-bye to Willow—giving her back something she lent us all busted. She's probably glad I'm leaving now."

"I think she likes you better than an air mattress."

Buffy glanced out the small window, taking her last look at New York for a long time, even if it was just a runway. "I'm going to miss her. I'm going to miss all of them. Hell, I'm going to miss everything."

"Are you still sure you want to do this?" Spike asked her.

"Yes. I am."

Buffy took Spike's hand and held on to it tightly as the plane began its take-off.

*** *** ***


I posted two chapters this week, just like I promised. Hopefully, I'll be able to do the same thing next week, too, though again, I can't set it in stone or anything.

Please review!
Chapter Twenty-Nine by Addie Logan
Buffy wandered from room to room of their new apartment, her arms wrapped tightly around herself. The day had seemed like such a whirlwind, and everything since the plane had touched down had been almost surreal. Dawn and Giles had been waiting for them in the airport, having come up to L.A. to make sure that when the truck with Buffy and Spike's stuff arrived, everything got into the apartment all right. Now Spike, Giles, and Dawn were all in the living room, spread out between the couch and an easy chair. It had seemed like enough back in the New York apartment, but this one was bigger, and Buffy's furniture no longer seemed to belong.

It looked out of place, much like Buffy felt at the moment. She supposed they'd need to buy new furniture now. And with the money the record company had given Spike, they could actually afford it. Not that they were anywhere near rich, but there had been a nice sum for the band when they'd signed with the label, and promises of more to come if the album turned out to be a hit.

It was all hitting Buffy now in a way that it hadn't completely in New York. Everything in her life had just changed completely. She'd gone from a struggling college student dating a struggling musician on the East Coast to living on the West Coast with the man who was quite possibly the Next Big Thing in music. To say that was going to be an adjustment was a huge understatement.

She stopped in the bedroom, taking in the sight of the coverless bed and the boxes piled around it. She and Spike had slept on that bed almost every night since they'd gotten together, and yet now, it seemed different to her, new somehow. She ran her hand against the bare mattress, trying to remind herself that this was their bed, and that when they slept in it, they'd still be the same people they'd always been. He was still Spike and she was still Buffy. And they were still very much in love. She had to hold on to that.

"Luv? Are you all right?"

Spike called to her from the living room, and Buffy knew that she wouldn't be able to just turn around and see him through the doorway like she would've been able to in their apartment in New York. Now they had a hallway. "I'm fine!" she called back. "Just getting used to the place." Her voice echoed slightly. The apartment wasn't huge, but still, they didn't have nearly enough stuff to fill it. An entire bedroom sat empty, save for Spike's guitar.

"Why don't you come out into the living room?"

Buffy knew she should. After all, they had guests. Dawn and Giles were there visiting them, in what was now their home. She put on her best smile and went down to the hall and into the living room, joining Dawn and Spike on the couch.

Spike put his arm around her as soon as she sat down, and Buffy relaxed some just from the touch. She still had Spike, and that was what was important. She'd get used to everything else.

"Thanks again, Giles, for all your help in getting us set up here," Buffy said, looking across the living room at her step-father.

"And again, it was my pleasure, Buffy," Giles replied. "I was more than happy to do it. For one thing, I'm thrilled that the two of you are going to be closer. I worried about you both being so far away."

"I'm happy about that, too," Dawn said. "Can I come visit you guys on weekends?"

"Sometimes," Buffy answered, turning to her little sister. "But only until you start annoying me."

Dawn rolled her eyes. "Sheesh, I wasn't planning on like moving in or anything. Although you guys do have an extra bedroom…"

"That you're not living in," Buffy said emphatically, prompting Dawn to stick out her tongue. Buffy stuck her tongue out in an automatic response, and for a moment, she was reminded of when she was younger and she did live with Dawn. There had been problems for her growing up, sure, but there had been good stuff, too. Maybe living close to her family again—at least the part of her family she was currently on speaking terms with—could end up being for the best.

She leaned back against Spike, hoping that that would indeed be the case.

*** *** ***


As they were all preparing to go to bed, Spike found his father in the kitchen, getting a glass of water. "Are you finding everything you need, Da?" Spike asked. "I know it's not too easy, what with all the boxes and all."

"Yes, I'm fine," Giles replied, then took a sip of his water.

"Good. I'll just be heading off to bed then."

"Will, wait. I wanted to speak to you."

Spike stilled. Even if his relationship with his father wasn't the strained one it used to be, he still felt a twinge of nervousness whenever a conversation started off like that. "Yes?"

Giles cleared his throat. "I wanted you to know, well, that I'm very happy for you. I've always known you were talented, son, and it's good to see the rest of the world catching on to that."

Spike blinked. "You…you are?"

"Of course. Why wouldn't I be?"

"I guess, well, you always seemed to disapprove of my interest in music."

"I never disapproved of your interest. I just…worried about you. I was afraid that you'd get mixed up with the wrong sort of people." Giles lowered his voice and added, "Like I did."

Spike frowned. "Like you did? What, are librarians the wrong sort of people nowadays?"

"I wasn't always a librarian, you know," Giles said, giving his son a look. "I used to be, well, they called me Ripper."

"They called you what?" Spike asked, his eyes widening. "And who is they?"

"I had my own band, once upon a time," Giles informed his son, almost laughing at the look of shock that crossed the younger man's face. "And all that music you always blared through the house, probably hoping it would drive me insane, I listened to it when it was new. Bloody hell, I knew the guys who were making it."

Spike couldn't stop his jaw from dropping. His father had been in a rock band and called himself Ripper? There was no way… "Are you serious?"

"Yes. Why do you think I was so worried about you? I saw my own youth playing itself out all over again in you, and it terrified me. I made some horrible choices in my teens and early twenties, and sometimes it still amazes me that I'm not dead."

"What happened to change all that?" Spike asked.

"Your mother. Anne found me at my worst and pulled me back up, turned me into a decent man." Giles smiled softly. "Somehow, I think you can understand what you mean."

"Yeah," Spike admitted. "I can."

Giles reached out and clasped his hand over Spike's shoulder. "But it appears that you managed to do better than I did when it comes to a career in music, and I'm happy for you." He pulled his arm back and grinned. "I look forward to telling people I have a famous son."

Spike chuckled. "Everyone seems so certain that I'm going to be famous. I'm still not even sure that I'm going to sell one album."

"Well, I may be a little biased, but I have no doubt that you're going to sell many, many more than one."

"Buffy seems to think so, too," Spike replied. "She thinks I'm going to end up being huge and surrounded by groupies."

Giles arched an eyebrow. "Oh? Is she worried about that?"

"Apparently she is worried and she isn't worried at the same time, however that can be possible. But it doesn't matter, because I'm not going to stray."

"You're going to be faced with temptation," Giles replied, taking off his glasses as he spoke. "It may become difficult to…"

"No, it won't," Spike said, cutting his father off. "Not with Buffy. I know what I have, and I know how lucky I am to have it. I'm not throwing that away, not for a groupie or anyone else for that matter." He lowered his voice. "Once this album is done and things are a bit more stable, I'm going to ask her to marry me."

"Are you?"

Spike nodded. "My plan had been to wait until she graduated from school next year, but I had to change that a bit."

"Just be careful, son."

"I will be. I'd have to be a complete idiot to leave that woman." Spike smiled. "Everything that's happening now, all I can think is how much I want to share it all with Buffy, y'know? Nothing seems as good without Buffy with me."

Giles could see the love his son felt written clearly across his face. Every time he was around Buffy, it was clear just how much Spike adored her, and Giles knew if anyone could survive the challenges they were bound to face in the coming months, it was them. "Then I look forward to the wedding."

Spike's smile widened. "Yeah, me, too."

*** *** ***


The bedroom was dark except for the dim light coming through the window when Spike came in to join Buffy. "Are you still awake, kitten?" he asked softly.

"Yes," Buffy replied. "I've been waiting for you."

"Sorry I took so long, luv. I was talking to my da in the kitchen."

"That's fine. I'm just glad you're here now."

"Me, too." Spike shut the bedroom door and undressed before slipping into the bed with her. Buffy immediately turned towards him, settling against his chest.

"It feels more like our bed when you're in it," Buffy told him, her arms wrapping around his waist.

"Did it not before?" Spike asked.

"A little. Everything seems weird now. Like it's our stuff, but it's not. I guess I'm just going to have to be used to living in a new apartment."

"So am I," Spike admitted. "Everything happened so quickly. I'm still processing it."

"Glad I'm not alone in that."

"You're not alone in any of it."

Somehow, just that simple declaration of his did much to ease her worries. She kissed his bare chest. "I love you, Spike."

"I love you, too. So bloody much, I can't even begin to tell you."

"I know though," Buffy said, hugging him tightly. "I feel it every time you look at me, every time you touch me."

"Then you know there's nothing that can keep me away from you."

Buffy wanted to believe him, so she did. "I do know that."

"You know," Spike began, his voice dipping as his hand smooth over the contour of Buffy's hip, "If you need a reminder that this is, in fact, our bed…"

"People are sleeping in the living room, honey," Buffy said, even as she arched into his touch.

"Your point? It's our first night in our new place, baby. We have to shag."

"Have to, huh?"

Spike nodded. "It's one of the unspoken rules of moving."

Buffy glanced behind her at the shut door. The living room was all the way down the hall… She looked back at Spike. "Well, I guess I can't argue with the rules." She shook her finger at him. "But no making me scream. I mean it."

"I can't be held responsible for your screaming," Spike replied, tongue wagging.

"That's not what you normally say. Normally you're all…"

Before Buffy could finish her sentence, Spike was on her, kissing her hard. Buffy hooked her leg and rolled him over so Spike could settle on top of her, between her hips.

"Starting to feel any more like our bed?" Spike asked, his hand caressing her dampened folds.

"Yes," Buffy moaned softly, both in answer to his question and to encourage what he was doing. "Spike, yes…"

"I could never get enough of you, Buffy. I've already been inside you so many times I've long since lost count, and I want you just as much now as I did the first time." Spike shook his head. "No. I want you more."

He punctuated his statement by sliding inside of her, filling her with a powerful stroke. Buffy bit her lip to keep from crying out, her fingernails scoring his shoulders. Spike kept his movements even and steady, stirring the passion in Buffy's body.

"See, pet," he said, his voice roughened with emotion and need. "We're home. As long as we're together, we'll always be home. Can you feel that?"

Buffy held on to him tightly, her legs wrapping around his to bring him even closer. "Yes…I can feel it, Spike."

They both stopped talking again, the only noises in the room harsh breathing and moans, mixed with the sound of their bodies meeting. When Spike felt the first flutters of Buffy's orgasm around his cock, he kissed her deeply, swallowing her cry of release even as he joined her in pleasure.

Spike rolled over and gathered Buffy into his arms, a smile of contentment on his face as he murmured his goodnight. Buffy smiled as well, her eyes closing as she drifted off to sleep in their bed.

*** *** ***


There's their first night in L.A. Is everyone still with me after the move?

I'm going to try to keep the same posting schedule I did last week, with new chapters of this story on Tuesday and Thursday.

Please review!
Chapter Thirty by Addie Logan
Dawn and Giles headed back to Sunnydale the next morning, and Spike left shortly after them, needing to meet with the record executives. That left Buffy alone in the apartment, and she found herself feeling oddly lost. For the first time in years, she had nothing pressing on her. She hadn't gotten a job in L.A., so she didn't have to go to work, and with it being summer and her school situation up in the air anyway, she didn't have to think about classes either.

After three years of being busy almost all the time, it was strangely bothersome. Plenty of times she'd longed for a situation just like this one, and now that she had it, she was restless. What could she do to fill the hours of nothing?

Desperate to have something to keep her occupied, she turned to the boxes. She unpacked everything they had brought with them, but it didn't take nearly as long as she'd hoped. Neither she nor Spike had much to their name, and unpacking had been a breeze, especially since all the furniture was already in place.

She'd hoped having her things around would make the apartment look less empty and more homey, but it turned out to be the opposite. She didn't have enough to fill the empty spaces, and everything looked to her like it didn't belong where it was. Her things were all out of place, just like she was.

Buffy didn't regret coming here with Spike. She knew if she'd stayed in New York that she'd be a lot more miserable than she was right now. If she stayed, she'd be longing for him, aching from the loss of him. As it was, she was just homesick.

Which was, when she thought about it, a bit ironic since L.A. had been "home" fifteen years to New York's three.

But she'd created a life for herself in New York, distanced herself from the girl she'd been in California. When L.A. had been her home, she'd been a bubbly, blonde cheerleader, still untouched by true loss and heartache. She didn't even know that girl anymore. Buffy was young, only twenty-two, but already she felt as if she'd lived lifetimes.

So here she was, starting another one. Another place, another beginning. Only she didn't really know where she fit. Spike had so much he needed to do to get the album ready to hit the stores, not to mention the publicity and promotion that would go with it. This was only their first day here, and already he had a full schedule. What would she do while he was gone? She could get a job, but at the moment, she didn't really need one, and since they only had the one car—not that she could drive anyway, she realized with a frown—she wasn't sure she could get to one easily. Not in L.A. It was a sprawling, gotta have a car sort of town. Not like New York where not having a car was often the easiest way to go.

She supposed she should get to work on that license thing…

Would this be what she'd be doing for the next few months? Sitting alone in an empty apartment waiting for Spike to come home? If that were the case, she was going to have to take up drinking.

A knock at the door pulled Buffy out of her thoughts, and she jumped up without questioning the fact that she didn't really know anyone. It could be a Jehovah's Witness, and as bored as she was right now, she'd talk.

When she looked out the peephole and saw who it was, however, she practically began to bounce up and down. She opened the door quickly and threw her arms around the auburn-haired woman on the other side. "Mona!"

Mona chuckled in surprise. "Wow, I didn't think you'd be so excited to see me."

Buffy blushed a little as she pulled back. "Sorry. I was just feeling a little homesick this morning."

"I understand. I thought you might be lonely with Spike gone all day, so I came over to check up on you." Mona smiled crookedly. "Rory abandoned me a day after dragging me all the way across the country, too."

Buffy giggled. "One of the many joys of dating musicians."

"Oh yeah. One of those," Mona replied with a roll of her eyes. "Do you mind if I come in?"

"Oh right, sorry," Buffy said, blushing slightly again. "I didn't mean to be rude. Come on in." She stepped back to let Mona though the doorway.

"It's all right. It's not like you were anything but welcoming." Mona stepped inside and glanced around. "Nice place. And are you honestly unpacked already? That's sickening, you know."

"We didn't have much to unpack," Buffy said. "And I was really, really bored."

"It'll take us forever. We'll still have boxes stashed places months from now. Rory is such a packrat anyway. I think he was sneaking things out of the trash that I was trying to get rid of when we were moving."

Buffy smirked. When she'd first met Rory and Mona, it had surprised her that they'd been together as long as they had, since they seemed to spend more time arguing that anything else. Then, she'd realized it wasn't arguing at all. It was teasing, flirting, and they were as in love as any couple she'd ever known before. Mona harassed Rory about almost everything he did, but he never seemed upset about it. Quite the contrary, really. He said she was the only woman in the world capable of keeping him in line, and he was damn grateful for it.

He'd also asked her to marry him every day for five years, and whether or not she'd ever say yes was something Mona alone knew the answer to.

Mona went into the living room, looking around without commenting, though from the look on her face she seemed to approve. After a few moments, she turned to Buffy again. "Aren't you from L.A.?"

"Yeah, though I haven't lived here for a while," Buffy replied. "We left when I was fifteen."

"Eh, that's old enough to remember things. You can be my tour guide."

"I don't know about that," Buffy said, shaking her head. "I haven't been back in years, and I don't…"

"You know the city better than I do, I'm sure," Mona said, cutting her off. "Come on, let's go get lunch, maybe do some shopping." She winked. "We can use Rory's credit card. I balance his checkbook and pay his bills for him every month, so he never notices anyway."

Buffy couldn't help but laugh. And what Mona was offering was rather tempting. She didn't know this section of Los Angeles all that well, but learning it had to be better than sitting around the apartment all day missing New York. "All right. Just let me get my purse."

*** *** ***


Buffy felt decidedly more relaxed once she was out with Mona. She wasn't sure if it was because the other woman reminded her of New York or because of the natural calming presence she had—or maybe a little bit of both. Whatever it was, Buffy felt much of the tension she'd been feeling since they'd arrived in Los Angeles draining from her as she sat outside with Mona, enjoying lunch outside of a café.

"I never really pictured myself on the West Coast," Mona said as she looked around, taking in the L.A. scenery. "New York girl, born and bred, y'know?"

"What made you decide you'd come out?" Buffy asked, then took a sip of her iced tea.

"You think I'd send Rory out here on his own? Ha! Lord only knows what would happen to the man. Someone's got to keep an eye on him."

"So you'd miss him, huh?"

Mona smiled. "You're a smart one, Buffy. And yeah, I would. Just don't, y'know, tell him. I'd never hear the end of it."

"I wasn't sure at first, if I'd come," Buffy admitted.

"I don't think I need to ask why you did, the way you and that boy of yours are always joined at the lips. But what made you question it?"

Under the table, Buffy was twisting her napkin. "A lot of things."

When she gave that answer, Buffy had been planning to leave it at that. But then for some reason, she wasn't leaving it there. She found herself spilling everything, from her unhappy last few years in L.A. with her parents' divorce, to Angel, to the situation between her and her mother now. Through it all, Mona listened, periodically reaching out to pat Buffy's arm when she seemed to have trouble going on.

"California holds a lot of bad memories for you then," Mona said once Buffy was done.

Buffy nodded. "There were practical reasons for staying in New York, like school and my job, but…"

"It was the fear that made you question the move the most."

"Yeah. I left here to get away."

"And you did," Mona told her. "L.A., California, they aren't your bad memories, Buffy—they're just places, really. All that pain and sadness lived inside of you. If you could work your way through it in New York, then it's not going to come back just because you're here again. The things that helped you move past it—your own inner strength, your love for Spike—they came back to California with you. If anything, this has the potential to make you even stronger, because you'll see that you don't have to physically run to put your past behind you."

Buffy blinked, taking in what Mona had just told her. She hadn't thought about things in that way before, and now that she was, it made sense. She'd spent so much time fearing coming back when really, there wasn't anything here at all to get her—as long as she avoided Sunnydale, that was. She hadn't exactly been happy in New York either before Spike, and he had been what had helped her get through the pain of her past. Spike was what was good in her life, and Spike was in L.A.

Los Angeles had been the site of some of her most painful memories. It was there that her parents separated and her home was torn apart. It was there that she held Angel while he died in her arms. But the city itself hadn't been the cause of any of that, and she was here for reasons now completely unrelated to it being her old hometown or the place where she had planned her life with Angel. They weren't even in the area where she'd grown up, and in a city the size of L.A., that meant they might as well be in another city entirely.

"Thank you," Buffy said with a genuine smile. "You really helped me put some things into perspective."

"I'm glad. Us musicians' women gotta stick together, don't we?"

"Yeah," Buffy replied, laughing. "There's no one else out there who can quite understand our pain."

Mona laughed back. "Isn't that the truth!" She quieted for a moment and grinned. "But I think we got ourselves a couple of good ones."

"You know, I think maybe we did."

*** *** ***


Spike walked into the apartment, stopping for a moment when he realized Buffy had been doing a little bit of decorating. He could hear noise from the kitchen, and the smell of food filled the air. "You didn't cook, did you?" he called out to her as he closed the front door.

"No! I didn't want to be cruel. It's take-out!" Buffy called back.

Spike breathed a sigh of relief and went into the kitchen to find Buffy. She was humming to herself as she took out Chinese food, and Spike smiled at how adorable she was. "You're in a better mood than when I left, luv."

"Yup. Mona came by, and we had lunch. It was nice. She brightened me right up."

"Rory said she'd planned on that. I'm glad. I was worried about you being alone here all day."

"I was only alone for the morning," Buffy said. "So how was your day, honey?"

"Long. Boring." Spike grinned at her and wrapped his arms around her waist to pull her close. "Getting better, though."

"Did you miss me?"

"Every second." Spike emphasized his point with a slow, deep kiss.

Buffy relaxed in his arms, relishing the taste of him. Maybe the move to L.A. would turn out all right after all.

*** *** ***


Well, I managed to get two posts in this week like I said I would. Hopefully, I'll be able to do the same thing next week as well!

Please take a moment to review.
Chapter Thirty-One by Addie Logan
Spike spent more time out than home over the next few of weeks, but Buffy didn't complain. She knew he was working hard with the rest of the band to get their album ready, and she was willing to be supporto-girl. Besides, after the initial shock wore off, she discovered having free time really was as wonderful as she'd always imagined. She'd had time to fix up the apartment, and Mona had helped her find some nice things on their budget. It no longer seemed so empty, and was feeling more and more like a home.

Mona had also managed to teach Buffy how to cook a few meals without destroying the kitchen—and her taste buds—that went beyond Tuna Helper. That alone was a feat as far as Buffy was concerned, and she was happy to be able to put something other than take-out on the table with Spike too busy to do the cooking.

All in all, she'd managed to really settle into her new life in Los Angeles.

So when she got a call from Giles late one afternoon giving her the last news she'd expected to hear, it especially came as a shock.

"Buffy, it's about your mother. I know the two of you aren't on the best of terms right now, but well, the doctors have found a tumor. In her brain."

At Giles's statement, Buffy slunk down to the couch, her hand going over her mouth in a failed attempt to muffle her choked sob.

"Buffy? Are you still there?"

Buffy took a deep breath and let it out slowly. Calm…she had to be calm… "Yes. Giles, I'm here. How long has this been going on?"

"A couple of months. We weren't sure what it was at first, thought it was possibly something less severe, but the doctors know for certain now. I wanted to tell you earlier, but…" Giles stopped, and Buffy could've sworn she actually heard him cleaning his glasses on the other end of the line. "I have no right to ask this of you, I know, and believe me when I say I'm only doing it because if I don't, I'm afraid you'll live with regrets. She's having surgery this Friday, and the doctors aren't sure if she's going to make it. She…she wants to see you, Buffy. She won't ask you because she's afraid of what you'll say, but I am asking. If you want any peace with your mother at all, now is the time."

When Buffy had told her mother she would never speak to her again, that "never" had been supposed to encompass a long period of time on both sides. Time enough for them to someday miraculously find a way to make it not really be a never at all. But now that never could possibly only be until Friday for Joyce…

"I'll…I'll come," Buffy said softly. "I'll come tonight."

"She's in the hospital, but you can certainly visit her there."

"Okay. I don't know when I'll get there. Spike's in the studio, and I don't have a car. Though I can't drive anyway, so maybe I should just take the bus or…"

"Buffy, I'll come get you. Don't worry about that at all," Giles said. "How soon do you want me up there?"

Buffy's voice cracked when she answered. "Now?"

"All right. I'll be there as soon as I can."

"Giles?"

"Yes?"

"Thank you. For…for calling. If she had…and I hadn't…"

"I know, my dear. I know. That's why I called you."

"I'm glad you did."

"Me, too. I'll see you soon, Buffy."

"Okay. Bye, Giles."

"Good bye."

As soon as Buffy hung up the phone, she buried her face in her hands and sobbed.

*** *** ***


Spike could tell something was wrong as soon as he got home. It was dark in the apartment, save for one light down the hall, in the bedroom. Normally, Buffy was bustling around, getting dinner ready, or at the door, happy to welcome him home.

"Luv?" he called down the hall as he went towards the bedroom. "Buffy, are you all right?"

The sight that greeted him was enough to answer this question. Buffy was packing a bag, tears streaming down her cheeks as she did. His first thought was a rush of fear that she was leaving him, but he quickly realized there was no possible way that could be happening. They'd been fine that morning, and he certainly hadn't done anything since then to make her leave. "Kitten? Where are you going?"

Buffy didn't look at him, and her answer seemed almost mechanical. "Sunnydale. Giles is coming to get me."

That brought more questions to Spike's mind than it answered. "Sunnydale? Buffy, what's…" Spike stopped short. If she was going there like this, something had to be very, very wrong. "Buffy, look at me. Tell me what's happened. Is it Dawn?"

Buffy shook her head, but didn't look at him, and Spike went over to her and grabbed her arms, turning her so she facing him. "Buffy! Tell me what's going on!"

She looked up at him with sad, frightened eyes, and Spike realized he'd never seen her quite like this, even when she'd been at her worst back in New York. "My…my mom," she said softly. "She's in the hospital. She's…" Buffy stopped speaking as she broke into sobs again.

Spike pulled Buffy into his arms, holding on to her as she cried against him. When she seemed to have calmed some, Spike looked down at her face again. "What's happened, pet?"

Buffy sniffed. "She has a brain tumor. Apparently, she's been sick for a while, but she didn't want to tell me. Giles called and told me she's having surgery Friday, and they're not sure she'll make it. My…my mom could be dead in two days…" She broke down again, her body slumping, and Spike guided them to sit on the bed when he realized her legs weren't supporting her anymore.

Spike held her, feeling helpless as he did. Buffy was hurting, and there was nothing he could say, nothing he could do to make it better. He remembered all too well being where she was now, and knew no amount of words or gestures could ease the torrent of emotion inside. "What did my da say when he called?"

"Not much. Just that she's been dealing with something for a while, they just didn't know what." Buffy took a deep, shuddering breath. "Dawn…she…she must've been having to deal with watching Mom be sick, and she couldn't talk to me about it." She looked up at Spike again. "My mom's been sick, and I didn't know! Why did I tell her I didn't want to talk to her again? I shouldn't have, I should've…"

"Shh. None of that now, sweetheart. Your feud with your mother wasn't one sided, yeah? She wasn't making a lot of moves to patch things up either."

"But she's sick now! She could be die, and if she does, then I've wasted years, I've…"

"Buffy, she didn't do right by you. I'm not saying you should hate her or that you shouldn't go see her, but don't let everything be colored by what's happening now. She hurt you, and you did what you did because of that."

Buffy took a deep breath. "I know. I'm just freaking out a little right now."

"Of course you are. It's natural to." Spike kissed the top of her head. He wanted to tell her that it was all going to be okay, but there were no guarantees like that with something like this, so he didn't. "When is my da getting here?"

"Soon," Buffy said. "I didn't want to wait."

"Do you need me to come with you?"

"Not tonight," Buffy said, shaking her head. "But do you think you could be there Friday? Will they let you take the day off?"

"I'll make them give it to me," Spike replied, tightening his hold on her. "They can work around me for a bit."

A knock on the front door caused them both to start a little. "That's probably Giles now," Buffy said.

Reluctantly, Spike let go of Buffy and stood up. "You finish what you need to do in here. I'll let him in."

Buffy nodded, and Spike went to answer the door. It was his father on the other side, and he was noticeably disheveled and tired. "Hey, Da," Spike said as he let him in.

"Hello. I assume Buffy told you?"

"I just got home, but yeah, she did." Spike coughed. "How are you holding up?"

"I've been better," Giles replied. "The whole time she's been sick, I kept telling myself it was going to turn out to be nothing, and then…" A tremor went through him, and Spike realized it was the closest he'd seen his father to tears in a very long time. "I never thought I'd be going through this again. When they told us it was cancer…" He trailed off.

Spike couldn't begin to fathom what it would be like to sit by and watch something eating away at the woman he loved once, but to go through it twice? "Da…"

"I'm holding together," Giles said, his posture straightening. "It wouldn't do a lot of good to Joyce to have me falling apart. And Dawn, too. She doesn't know how bad it is. Joyce is afraid to worry her too much."

Spike frowned. If he knew Dawn, she probably had a better idea of the situation than either Giles or her mother knew, and just wasn't letting on that they weren't protecting her from anything. "How bad is it?" Spike asked. "Really."

Giles pulled in a deep breath. "She's got a fighting chance. The doctors caught it early, and it hasn't had time to spread. There's a chance she'll make a full recovery."

"But only a chance…"

Buffy's soft declaration made both men turn to her, neither of them having realized she'd come into the room while they were talking. "It's a good chance, Buffy," Giles replied. His expression turned into something that was almost a smile. "Besides, you know how bloody stubborn your mother is. If anyone can get through this, it's her."

Buffy made a sound that was somewhere between a laugh and a sob, and Giles held his arms out to her. Buffy moved into them, hugging him tightly. "I don't want this to be happening," she said, her voice barely above a whisper.

"I know," Giles replied. "I think it'll help her, having you there. I know it probably isn't enough, but she's sorry for what she did, Buffy. She knows she was wrong, she just doesn't know what to do to make it right again. She's stopped drinking. After you left, she started going to meetings."

Buffy pulled back from Giles and wiped at her eyes. "That's a start, I guess." She took a deep breath, walked over to her bag, and picked it up. "Let's go, okay?"

"If you're ready." Giles looked at his son. "What are your plans?"

"I told Buffy I'd be there Friday. What time's the surgery?"

"Ten in the morning."

"Sunnydale Memorial?"

"Yes."

Spike gave a small nod. "I'll be there." He felt Buffy's hand on his arm and he turned to look at her. "If you need me there sooner, you call me, kitten. I'll drop everything."

"I will. I love you, Spike."

"I love you, too, sweetheart." Spike gave her a gentle kiss, aware of the fact that they had an audience in the form of his father. "Call me tonight, all right?"

"Okay." Buffy started to move away, but hesitated for a moment, then wrapped her arms around Spike and squeezed as tightly as she could. "I love you," she whispered again.

Spike returned her tight embrace. "I know, baby. And I love you so much."

Giles had turned his head, knowing it was a private moment, and waited until Buffy had approached him again. "I'm ready now."

"Then let's go."

*** *** ***


You didn't really think I'd let everything be all happy from here on out did you? Yep, I'm an evil author.
Chapter Thirty-Two by Addie Logan
As soon as they had passed the Welcome to Sunnydale sign, Buffy announced, "I want to see her tonight."

"It's after visiting hours now," Giles replied. "We can go first thing in the morning."

Buffy shook her head. "I can't wait until tomorrow, Giles. I need to see her."

Giles could tell from the tone in Buffy's voice that her mind was not going to be changed. "All right. We'll go to the hospital, and you can try to get them to allow you to see her tonight."

Buffy leaned her head against the seat and was quiet again until they reached the hospital.

*** *** ***


"Please, you have to let me see her. She's my mother, and I just found out what's going on. Please."

The doctor didn't budge, his arms crossed squarely over his chest. "I'm sorry, Miss Summers, but you're going to have to wait until regular visiting hours. It's in your mother's best interest."

Tears pricked Buffy's eyes. "It won't be for long. I just have to see her, know she's really still here. I'm begging you…"

"I can't allow you to. It's against hospital policy If you'll just come back tomorrow, you can…"

"Doctor? You're needed in ICU."

The doctor Buffy had been talking to stopped and turned around to face a dark haired man in blue scrubs. "Oh. Would you do me a favor and see that Miss Summers finds her way back downstairs safely?"

He smiled. "Of course."

Buffy turned to the man in the scrubs. "Look, I'm just trying to see my mother for a minute, I…"

He glanced back to watch the doctor disappear into the elevator. "I know. I caught the conversation. That's why I got him to go away. I'm sneaking you in."

Buffy couldn't help the grin that came to her lips. "You mean no one actually needed him?"

He shrugged. "Maybe. People need him a lot. He's a good doctor, he just not exactly big with the emotions. Which may be good in his line of work. I'm Ben, by the way. Intern."

"I'm Buffy Summers."

"Joyce's daughter?" Ben asked.

"Yeah. How did you know? We don't have the same last name…"

"You look like her a little" Ben replied. "And hey, I was just about to bring her her pills to help her sleep, so you've got good timing tonight."

"I know I probably shouldn't be here now," Buffy said, "but I just found out what was happening this afternoon. We've been sort of…out of touch."

"It's okay. I understand." Ben put his hand on her arm and gave it a comforting squeeze. "Come on. Let's go see your mom."

Buffy followed Ben down the long, quiet hall, taking deep breaths as she did. She could do this…. She had to do this…

Ben rapped softly on the door before opening it partially and sticking his head in. "I've brought your nightly pills and a visitor," he said.

Buffy stood behind him, hidden from her mother's view and listened as Joyce asked, "A visitor?" Her voice sounded so tired, more worn than Buffy had ever heard it be before, and she fought back the urge to start crying again.

"Yeah. She was so adamant on seeing you despite it being after visiting hours, that I couldn't say no." Ben stepped to the side, revealing Buffy, and Joyce gasped.

"Buffy? Is…is that really you?"

Buffy nodded, choked up at the sight of her mother. Joyce was pale, too thin, and had dark circles under her eyes. "Hi, Mom."

Any hope that Buffy had of not crying now was ruined when her mother burst into tears. "Oh, Buffy… I can't believe you're really here. I didn't think…" She trailed off and opened her arms, pleading with tired eyes.

Buffy didn't deny her. Past pains and grievances aside, this woman was her mother, and she was quite possibly dying. She moved into Joyce's embrace as Ben set out the pills and water, then slipped from the room, letting the two women have a moment to themselves.

The mood in the hospital room was heavy, both women crying silently as they held on to each other. Finally, Buffy pulled away and wiped her eyes. "You know," she said, desperate to break the tension, "You didn't have to get a brain tumor just to make me talk to you again."

Much to Buffy's relief, Joyce laughed, though the tears will still there. "Buffy, I'm so sorry. I don't even know how to tell you how much I hate what I did to you. I've done a lot of thinking, a lot of soul-searching, and…"

"Not now, okay, Mom?" Buffy said, holding up her hand. "We'll say it all when you're better."

Joyce nodded slowly. "When I'm better."

Buffy and Joyce both fell silent, the only sounds in the room the whirs and beeps of the monitors, and Buffy took deep breaths, trying to get herself under control again. It was hard being there, hard seeing her mother so weak and pale as well as hard just seeing her at all. She couldn't say all was forgiven. As sick as Joyce was, she wanted to, but she couldn't. The pain was too raw inside of her for that.

But she loved her mother. As a little girl, she'd idolized her, adored her. It was what had made her mother's rejection of her later hurt so much. Buffy didn't—couldn't—look at her mother the same way she had as a child, but she had never stopped loving her, and she couldn't turn away from her now. In the face of something so terrible, her hurt and anger didn't seem quite as important anymore.

She was, however, tired, and keenly aware of the fact that she was somewhere she wasn't really supposed to be. She'd seen her mother, made the first step, and there was nothing more that could really be done that night. Buffy cleared her throat and spoke. "I should be going. You need your rest, and Giles is waiting for me in the car, so…" She trailed off.

Joyce nodded, understanding. "Can you come back tomorrow?"

"Yeah, I can. I'll stay in town for a little while, keep you company while you're recovering." Another wave of emotion washed over Buffy then, and she could see the same thing playing out on her mother's face.

"We'll have time, Buffy," Joyce said softly. "We'll have time to make up for all of it."

"I'm counting on it, Mom," Buffy replied, though she had a hard time getting conviction into her voice. She moved to embrace Joyce again, and held on tightly.

"I love you, Buffy," Joyce whispered against her cheek. "I really do, my baby."

"I know, Mom." Buffy pulled away. "We'll talk more later, okay?"

Joyce nodded again. "Okay." She reached out and squeezed her daughter's hand, and Buffy swallowed when she felt how weak her mother's grip was. "I'm really glad you came, Buffy."

Buffy gently squeezed her hand back. "So am I."

*** *** ***


Both Giles and Buffy had been more or less silent on the ride back to Revello Drive. When Buffy had gotten home, she'd talked to Dawn some before going to bed, though both girls had avoided the topic of their mother. Instead, they had both tried to keep the conversation light, though there was a heaviness to everything around them anyway. Buffy could still feel the tension she'd felt in the hospital hanging in the house as well.

When she'd finally been able to get to bed, she hadn't found sleep. There had been a few times when Spike had had a gig outside the city and they'd slept apart, but those had been scarce in their relationship, and she was having a hard time not being in his arms now. She wanted him to hold her, comfort her, be her strength, her rock. She wanted him to make her believe that everything was going to be okay.

If she couldn't be in his arms, then Buffy needed to at least hear his voice. That deep rumble itself was soothing, and Buffy knew if she could just talk to him, even for a moment, she'd feel better.

She dug her cell phone out of her purse and pressed the speed dial button for their apartment. Spike answered almost immediately, and a small smile managed to find its way to her lips as she realized he'd been keeping the phone close to him in case she called. "Hey, honey," she said, trying her best not to sound like she'd been crying, though she knew Spike would know better.

"Hey, luv. I thought you might call tonight. How are you holding up?"

"I'm holding." Buffy sniffled. "I saw her tonight. It was after visiting hours, but an intern got the stuffy doctor to go away so I could sneak into her room."

"Oh? How did that go?"

Buffy took a deep breath and held it for a second before she let it out, "She looks really worn down, Spike. I've never seen her look like that before. She looks weak, and my mom's not supposed to be weak." She stopped, a sob lodging itself in her throat.

"She's not weak, kitten," Spike replied. "She's strong. She'll fight this."

"She has to, because…" Buffy stopped, and for a few moments she was quiet, save for the sound of soft tears. "I can't process it all. This morning, as far as I knew, she was healthy, and now… It's all like a bad dream. None of it seems real."

"I know, baby." Spike didn't know what else to say. He was at a loss at what to do to make her feel better, and he hated how helpless it made him feel.

"It's all so confusing. On the one hand, I'm still mad at her, y'know? Christmas was only a few months ago, and that's still stings enough even without everything else. And now she's sick, so I feel guilty that I can't just get over it."

"Sweetheart, it's a lot to get over. She treated you terribly. And yeah, her being sick does put things into perspective and makes it so you've got to weigh things a little differently, but of course you're not going to simply magically forget it all."

"I know, but still, I…" Buffy paused a beat, breathing slowly. "Part of me's even angry at her for getting sick. I know it's crazy, because it's not like she got a brain tumor on purpose, but I feel like she forced my hand. I wasn't quite ready to make amends, and now I have to in case she…" She stopped there, not able to finish the sentence, but then started speaking again. "And also, I'm angry she kept it from me until now. She's known that something was wrong for a while now, and instead of getting the time to absorb it, I get, 'Hey, your mother could die like, any moment now—go kiss and make up before you have a lifetime of regrets.'"

"It's okay, princess. No one really expects that out of you."

"She does. She was apologizing to me tonight, and I just couldn't. I couldn't. I told her to save it for when she was better, because I had nothing I could say right now to an apology. I want her to tell me she's sorry when she's healthy, when I know she really means it and isn't just saying it to make her peace." Buffy stopped and wiped at her eyes. "I miss you so much right now. I can't sleep without you, Spike."

"Oh, kitten… I promise you, this will be the only night, okay? I'll drive up to Sunnydale as soon as I finish what I need to do tomorrow, and I'll be there in time to hold you while you sleep."

Buffy sniffed. "Okay. And you'll be here Friday, when she's in surgery, right?"

"Of course. I'll be right there by your side."

"Good, because I need you, Spike. You're the only person that's ever been able to keep me from falling apart."

'"I know you need me, baby. It's why I'll be there."

"I love you, Spike."

"I love you, too. And I'll be there very soon, I promise."

"Okay. I…I should try to get some sleep. I'm going to go visit her in the hospital tomorrow, and I want to be as rested as I can be."

"All right. Call me again if you need to talk more, yeah?"

"I will. Good night."

"Good night. Love you."

"Love you, too." Buffy ended the call and put her cell phone on the bedside table before she curled up in the bed and tried to find sleep.

*** *** ***


Thank you so much to everyone who's been reviewing. Your kind words and encouragement have really been giving me the push I need to get work done on this story.
Chapter Thirty-Three by Addie Logan
Sleep came and went for Buffy that night, and she was never able to fall too deeply. Still, the sleep she did find was plagued with hazy dreams, snippets too cloudy to put words to becoming all that lingered upon waking.

It was a little before six when Buffy decided to give up on getting any real rest. She knew if Spike had been there to hold her, comfort her, maybe it would've been different, but as it was she was alone with her thoughts and had no way to quell them long enough for her eyes to stay closed.

She got out of the bed, shivering slightly despite the fact that it was summer in Southern California. She figured Giles must've gotten hold of the thermostat. His thick English blood made him loathe the heat he found here, and it had been an ongoing struggle between him and her mother. And then in the winter, it had all been reversed.

Just the memory of that alone brought tears to her eyes. She remembered happier days, before Angel's death, when she'd watch as the two of them went back and forth between the thermostat for days at a time until finally, one would break and the bickering would begin.

Only it would never last long. Minutes into the argument, Giles would invariably lean over and whisper something in Joyce's ear. She'd giggle, and that would be the end of it. They seemed so happy.

Buffy wondered if they still had that, or if she'd driven a wedge between them. Like she had between her mother and father the first time around…

She shook her head, trying to drive those thoughts away. Giles obviously still loved her mother. The look on his face when come to get her had told her so. He was stricken at the thought of losing Joyce, of losing the woman he loved.

Buffy hoped whatever tension had arisen in their marriage in December was gone now. She didn't feel as if Giles forgiving Joyce when she had not been able to would've been a betrayal against her. Even as angry as she'd been with her mother, Buffy still wanted her to be happy, still wanted her to have someone to love.

She found her robe and wrapped it around the shorts and tank top she'd worn to bed. Quietly as so not to wake the other two occupants of the house, Buffy went downstairs and to the kitchen. Buffy realized it had been quite a while since she'd eaten, with the shock of finding out about her mother and the trip down to Sunnydale. She went to the breadbox and found the raisin bread her mother always kept there, then slid two pieces into the toaster.

It was when she was buttering the toast that she broke down. How many mornings had she sat in this very kitchen, eating this same breakfast with her mother? She thought back to Saturdays, when Dawn had stayed in bed longer than the both of them, and she and her mother had breakfast together, shared the paper.

Well, Joyce had read the actual news part of the paper, and Buffy had read the comics and done the Jumble, but it was close enough. They had been quiet mornings, but there'd been a peace and calmness to them. Buffy had known she was safe and warm in her home—with her mother. Even if Joyce did recover, all that was lost to her now.

She jumped, almost screamed, when she felt arms wrap around her waist, but it took only a second for her to identify them, and she turned in his embrace, pressing her cheek against his chest as she did. "How did you get here?"

"Da gave me a key before he and Dawn left L.A."

Buffy shook her head against his black t-shirt. "No, I meant here now. You're supposed to be with the band today."

"I called Oz, told him they'd have to deal without me a day earlier than planned. I couldn't stay away any longer, not after hearing you on the phone." Spike tightened one arm around her while the other hand came up to stroke her hair. "My girl needs me."

"I do. I always need you, Spike."

"I know."

Silence fell in the kitchen again, but the couple didn't move. Spike stood strong, his muscles tense as he tried to be the rock he knew Buffy needed him to be.

*** *** ***


The hospital was only allowing Joyce two visitors at a time for the time being, and Buffy told Giles and Dawn to see her first. She needed a little more time to collect her thoughts, to rein in her emotions to a manageable level before she faced what was in that hospital room again.

She rested her head against Spike's shoulder, taking comfort in his small touches, the way he ran his fingers through the dark strands of her hair. For what she was sure had to be the hundredth time that day, Buffy felt grateful for Spike being there. She couldn't imagine having to go through this without him there to comfort her. He seemed to know instinctively what she needed, and his presence alone had done much for her.

"Buffy?"

She lifted her head at the sound of Giles's voice and saw him standing in front of them, Dawn at his side. Her sister's head was turned slightly, her hair curtaining her face, and Buffy wondered if she was crying.

"Your mother…she wants to see you. Are you up to it now?"

Buffy took a moment to steel herself, then nodded. "Yeah. I can go in there."

Spike gripped her hand as she started to rise. "Do you need me with you, pet?"

She shook her head. "Not right now. I think it'll be better if it's just me."

Spike nodded, understanding. "I'm here if you need me."

"I know." Buffy brushed a kiss against his cheek then stood and went to her mother's hospital room.

Joyce still looked sick, but she seemed different by the light of day. She looked more like she was actually there. She smiled when Buffy came into the room and shifted against her pillows.

"Here, Mom, let me straighten those for you," Buffy said, going over to the bed and fixing Joyce's pillows so she could get comfortable against them. "Is this better?"

"Yes. Thank you, Buffy."

"You're welcome."

Buffy started to go away from the bed and to the chair beside it, but Joyce reached out and grabbed her hand. Buffy swallowed at the sight of the IV pushing under her mother's pale skin.

"I'm glad you're here, Buffy," Joyce told her. "I was afraid…when I woke up this morning. I was afraid it hadn't been real. Between the drugs and the tumor, I'm not always sure what's going on."

"I'm really here, Mom. I couldn't not be here, not when you're like this."

"Yes you could." Joyce looked down, no longer able to meet her daughter's eyes. "And I wouldn't have been able to blame you for it either."

Buffy thought that was a bit ironic coming from a woman who had had a habit of blaming her for just about anything, but she didn't comment on that. Such a statement would stir things up, and she didn't want to do that anymore. She wanted to work towards letting things settle. "No, I couldn't. I…" Buffy cleared her throat, the words she thought she should say sticking there even though she did mean them. "You're my mother."

"I haven't done the best job of being your mother."

Buffy said nothing. Any arguments to the contrary would sound hollow, she knew, and she didn't have the heart to confirm it either.

The statement hung heavy between them, expanding, filling the space until the tension was thick. Joyce spoke first, clearing her throat before asking, "Is Spike here?"

"Yes. He came down this morning. I need him here."

Joyce pulled her hands into her lap, staring at the backs of them for a moment. "I shouldn't have treated him the way I did."

Buffy sucked in a deep breath, but she couldn't let that statement rest on its own like the other. "No, Mom, you shouldn't have. Spike's a good man, and he loves me very much. He takes care of me. He didn't deserve to have anyone belittle what he feels for me the way you did."

Joyce looked up, her expression startled as if she didn't expect such a vehement response from her daughter. "It really shocked me, Buffy. I'd never thought the two of you… He's Rupert's son."

"And we're both adults. Spike is not my brother. I didn't grow up with him, and you marrying Giles didn't change my DNA structure. We're two grown people who met and fell in love. Madly, deeply in love. You should be happy for us."

Joyce blinked, silent for several moments, and Buffy waited for the lecture, for the insistence their relationship was wrong. She didn't expect what her mother did say. "I know, Buffy. And I am, now that I've had time to think about it. It's obvious you care for each other a great deal, and I can be accepting of that. I do want you to be happy, sweetheart. More than anything, I want that. It eats me up inside how I hurt you, the pain I put in you. You're my baby, Buffy, and hurting you is the last thing I ever wanted to do."

Buffy could believe that, even if the sentiment wasn't worth so much now, given all that had happened. It didn't take away the pain, but still she said, "I know, Mom."

Another awkward silence, and Buffy began to fidget with her ring, desperate for something to keep her occupied. This was all even harder than she'd thought it would be… What should she do? Should she excuse herself for now? Tell Giles and Dawn to come back in, keep her mother company? Is that what she wanted to do?

As if sensing her daughter's thoughts, Joyce said, "Stay in here with me for a while, Buffy. We…we can watch television if you'd like. Thrilling talk shows and soap operas abound." She gave a small, hopeful smile.

Buffy thought about the request for only a moment before she sat down in the chair and gestured up to the television above the bed. "Well then, fire that sucker up, and see what we can find."

Joyce smiled at her daughter again and reached for the remote control.

*** *** ***


After an hour, Joyce fell asleep, the medication and the tumor itself taking their toll. Buffy stood quietly, prepared to leave the room and let her mother sleep, but she stopped, staying by the bed for a moment to watch her.

She was acutely aware that these could be among the last moments she spent with her mother, and the thought made bile rise in her throat. The surgery wasn't a guarantee, and it was completely possible Joyce could die on the operating table. Buffy didn't want to face it, but the reality hung on her anyway. This could be her mother's last day alive.

Buffy took Joyce's hand, careful not to wake her as she did. It was still warm, the blood still flowing in her veins, and Buffy didn't want to know how it would feel otherwise. She wasn't ready to say good-bye…

They were supposed to have time to start over, time enough to build something new from the ashes of what was before.

Gently, Buffy kissed her mother's forehead before letting her hand go and leaving the room.

Giles craned his neck back to look at Buffy when she returned to the waiting room. "How is she?"

"Sleeping," Buffy replied as she sat back down against Spike.

"It's probably the best thing for her now," Giles replied. "She needs her rest."

Buffy nodded, leaning against Spike now as his arm went around her shoulders.

"Dawn and I were going to go get something to eat. We've had our fill of hospital food," Giles said to Buffy. "Would you like to come along?"

"No. I'd like to stay longer," Buffy replied, shaking her head. "I know she's asleep now, but I just want…I want to be here."

"I understand." Giles rose to his feet. "We won't be gone long. Would you like us to bring you something back?"

Buffy didn't feel much like eating, but she knew she might later. "Yeah. That would be nice. Thanks."

"Will?" Giles asked, nodding towards his son. "Would you like me to bring you something, too?" There was no question as to where Spike would be if Buffy was staying at the hospital.

"Yes. Thank you," Spike answered.

Dawn and Giles said their good-byes, then left Spike and Buffy alone. Buffy was silent for a while, resting against Spike, enjoying the bit of peace being with him could give her.

She started to feel drowsy, but she didn't want to fall asleep, not there, not then. She looked up at Spike. "Honey, could you go get me a diet Coke? There's a machine back over there." She pointed, showing him where.

"Of course, luv," Spike replied as he kissed the top of her head.

Spike walked down the hall until he spotted the drink machine, got what Buffy had asked for, then headed back towards her.

He stopped short when he saw that in the short time he'd been gone, a man he didn't recognize had filled the seat he'd vacated.

And Spike did not like the way the man was looking at his Buffy.

*** *** ***


Please take a moment to review!
Chapter Thirty-Four by Addie Logan
Buffy jumped a little in her seat when she realized Spike was standing over her. For a man who wore such big, clunky shoes he could be amazingly quiet at times. "Here's your drink, kitten," he said as he handed Buffy the diet Coke, then flicked his eyes over at the man beside her, holding the gaze just long enough to make him squirm.

Buffy glanced between the two men, immediately picking up on the tension coming from Spike. "Um, honey, this is Ben, an intern here who's been working with my mother," Buffy said. "And Ben, this is…"

"Spike. Her boyfriend," Spike interjected. Almost tentatively, Ben offered his hand for a shake, and Spike took it, squeezing a little harder than necessary.

"Spike, that's an interesting nickname," Ben commented as he pulled his hand away. "How did you get it?"

"That's not something I'm quite at liberty to discuss," Spike replied with a grin that bordered on menacing.

A beat of silence passed between the two males before Ben coughed, then rose to his feet. "Well, I've got my rounds, so I should be going."

"Yeah, you do that," Spike said, sitting back down beside Buffy now that Ben was gone.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Buffy hissed at Spike when they were alone.

Spike raised his eyebrow. "I didn't fancy coming back over here to find someone putting the moves on you, Buffy," he replied.

Buffy rolled her eyes. "Please, Spike. Ben was not putting the moves on me. He was just coming to ask how things were going with my mother."

"Buffy, he's the doctor. Or one in training at least. You should be the one asking him how your mother is doing, not the other way around."

"He was being nice!" Buffy insisted. "He's the one who let me in to see her last night. There were no moves being made of any kind."

"Are you completely blind?" Spike asked. "He was practically drooling down the front of your shirt!"

"He was not!" Buffy shook her head. "God, I can't believe I have to put up with this jealous crap from you now."

"It's not crap, Buffy," Spike snapped. "He was hitting on you whether you realized it or not."

"And so what if he was?" Buffy asked. "What difference does it make, Spike? It's not like I was about to go find an empty hospital bed with the guy."

"I'm not saying you were, Buffy. I just wanted to make sure he knows you're off limits."

"Yeah, and now he probably just thinks I'm dating a total asshole." Buffy shook her head. "You know, I never do this to you. I sit there and watch women flash you from the stage, and I deal with it."

"That's different."

"How? If Ben had started stripping then it would've been okay?" Buffy asked, her body shaking with barely controlled anger.

"No! Look, those women, they aren't looking to ask me out for coffee, Buffy. They're caught in the moment, and most of them won't even think about it any of it again once the show's over. At most they're hoping they can live out a fantasy of shagging a guy in a band, but if they don't get to come home with me, they're not going to keep pursuing me."

"So I'm supposed to be okay with it because they just want to fuck my boyfriend, not pick out curtains with him? Oh, well, that makes everything better," Buffy snapped.

Spike frowned. "You told me you didn't have a problem with those girls."

"And I don't! God, Spike, that's my point. I don't care about those girls because I trust you. I know you love me, and I know you wouldn't cheat on me so I can deal with the other women. But you go all caveman because another guy is talking to me? Where's your trust in me, huh?"

"It's not about that!"

"Yes, it is," Buffy said. "You always do this. Anytime you see a guy talking to me that you perceive is trying to get into my pants, you act like a dick, and I'm so not in the mood for it right now."

"It was more than my perception."

Buffy held up her hands. "Fine, whatever. I was completely helpless against his advances, and you saved me, you big, strong man you."

"Buffy…"

"No, Spike. I'm not having this conversation anymore. Not here. We're in the middle of the hospital for crying out loud, and people are starting to look at us."

"Fine," Spike replied, holding his tongue from saying any more than that.

Buffy snatched a magazine off a nearby table and began to read.

*** *** ***


By the time visiting hours were over for the day, and they were headed back to Revello Drive, Spike was beginning to wonder if maybe it would've been better if he'd come to Sunnydale later in the day like he'd originally planned. He'd hoped to help Buffy by being there, drain some of her tension, but it appeared he'd instead caused more.

Spike sat on the edge of the bed and watched Buffy as she moved around the room that night, getting ready to go to sleep. The tension she carried with her was obvious, and while Spike knew most of that was coming from her worry over her mother's surgery in the morning, he also knew he'd contributed, and that bothered him.

"I'm sorry, luv," he told her softly.

Buffy turned from where she'd been brushing her hair at the dresser. "Hmm?"

He spoke louder when he responded. "I'm sorry—for what happened earlier in the hospital, with Ben. You were right, I was a jerk."

Buffy's shoulders lowered slightly. "I wasn't hitting on him, Spike. Or flirting or anything. I wasn't even thinking about that. I was just looking at him as a doctor."

"I know, kitten. Forgive me?" Spike opened up his arms to her.

Buffy set down her brush and moved into his embrace. "I forgive you," Buffy said as she hugged him, a sigh escaping her as she settled into his arms. "I don't like it when we're arguing."

"Me either," Spike replied, kissing the top of her head. He tightened his grip around her. "I love you, Buffy. I love you so bloody much. I know I was a right git today, and I know I've got no excuse, but I'm just so afraid of losing you, sometimes I don't think right."

Buffy looked up at him, a frown on her face. "Spike, you're not going to lose me. I need you. I fall apart without you—you saw what I was like when we first met. I wouldn't be able to handle any of this now without you here to hold me together."

"And I'm here for you, sweetheart. Completely," Spike promised her. "You're the most important thing in my life and being here when you need me comes before everything else." He kissed her forehead. "I love you."

"I love you, too, Spike." She pulled back so she could look at his face. "Thank you, for coming this morning, and for agreeing to be here with me while she's in surgery. I know you have your album to work on."

"You're more important to me than the album, Buffy."

Buffy rolled her eyes. "Come on, Spike. I know you love me, but this is fame and fortune here."

He cupped her face, forcing her to look into his eyes. "You mean more to me than any of that. Not that it doesn't all sound nice, and I've got hopes for this album, yeah, but if it doesn't turn out to be a hit, I'm not going to feel unfulfilled in life or whatnot. The important thing for me is having you by my side."

Buffy took his hand off her cheek and pulled it down, though she kept it linked with hers. "You're not risking anything with the album to be here, are you, Spike?" she asked. "Be honest with me."

"No. I don't need to be back there until Tuesday. I talked to the producers, told them what was going on, and they let me go. I'm not the only person in the band, and there's plenty they can do without me there. It's fine, pet, really," Spike assured her.

"Okay, because if it was a problem, Spike, I'd want you to tell me. We moved out here for you to make this album, and I don't want you to ruin it all now because of me."

"Nothing's ruined, kitten, and nothing's going to be ruined. I can be here for you and for the band. Don't worry about that at all."

"I won't worry as long as you promise me that if there's something that comes up and you have to be in L.A., you go. I won't be angry with you. You're here for me even when you're not physically here for me," Buffy said, her hand still around his.

"All right, luv," Spike replied.

"I'm serious. I don't want you sacrificing this because of me. You've worked too hard and too long for that," Buffy stressed to him.

"I said I wouldn't do that," Spike insisted. "Come on now, let's just go to sleep. You need your rest for tomorrow."

Buffy eyed him warily for a moment, not sure if she completely believed he wouldn't do something stupid for her. Maybe she could talk to Mona, make sure she kept her updated on when Spike had to be in the studio. Rory tended to keep Mona more in the loop about those things than Spike did Buffy.

"I mean it, pet," Spike said, catching the look on her face. "I won't just piss away my one chance at a record contract, all right?"

"Okay," Buffy said, mentally filing away her decision to talk to Mona. "Come on, let's do that sleep thing. It sounded nice."

Spike chuckled. "Sleep it is then." They went up to the other end of the bed and slid under the sheets, Buffy immediately moving into Spike's arms.

"Mmm…this is much better than last night," she said as she closed her eyes. "I missed you."

"I missed you, too," Spike said, kissing her head again. "Our apartment seemed so empty without you."

Buffy snuggled closer against his chest. "We're back together now."

"We are," Spike agreed. "Love you."

Buffy was already drifting off, the sleeplessness that had plagued her disappearing with Spike there to hold her. "I love you, too."

*** *** ***


Buffy stood beside her mother, dread curling in her stomach as she became acutely aware of the fact that this could be it. Any minute now the doctors would be coming in to take Joyce off to get prepped for surgery, and this could be her good-bye.

Giles and Dawn had given Buffy and Joyce a moment alone, and the two women now watched each other silently, neither knowing quite what to say. There weren't enough words to express it all, and even if there had been, there certainly wasn't enough time for them.

Buffy had to say it now. Despite everything that had happened, it was still true, and Buffy knew that if she didn't now, she could very well regret it for the rest of her life. Even if her mother did pull through, Buffy didn't think she'd regret saying those words. Not here, not now.

"I love you, Mom," she said softly, barely able to manage anything above a whisper with the tears that kept threatening to fall.

Joyce smiled sadly at her. "I love you, too, Buffy." She took Buffy's hand and shakily lifted it to her lips. "I'm going to still be here tomorrow. This isn't good-bye."

It was the same tone her mother used to have when she'd tell her a shot wasn't going to hurt one bit, and Buffy found little reassurance in the words. Her mother was afraid, and that wasn't something Buffy had seen enough in her life to be comfortable with.

Still, for her mother's sake, she played along. "Then we won't say it. I'll see you when you wake up, Mom."

"I'll see you when I wake up," Joyce replied, her own eyes tearing.

The door opened and two people in scrubs came in to wheel Joyce out of the room. Buffy watched her go, unable to keep from feeling anything but helpless.

*** *** ***


Please take a moment to review. It means so much to me to know what you think of the fic!
Chapter Thirty-Five by Addie Logan
As Buffy waited to hear how her mother's surgery had gone, she thought of only two possible outcomes: either the surgery would be successful, or it wouldn't be. The doctors would either be able to remove the tumor and make her mother well again or the surgery would go terribly wrong, and her mother would die.

So when the doctor came out and told them they'd been able to remove most of Joyce's tumor, Buffy was confused. They had cut into her mother's brain—why had they left any of the tumor behind? "What do you mean you got most of it?" she asked, needing an answer for the question her mind couldn't seem to fully comprehend.

"It means we weren't able to safely remove the tumor in its entirety." The doctor then gave Buffy a smile she thought was probably meant to be encouraging, but under the circumstances, wasn't so much. "This doesn't mean the operation wasn't successful, Miss Summers. We're still very optimistic about your mother's recovery. The majority of the tumor has been removed, and the small amount that's left will be more likely to respond to radiation therapy."

Radiation therapy? Buffy paled, fighting against the fresh onslaught of tears threatening to rise. Wasn't radiation therapy what made you sick all the time and made all your hair fall out? Would that be what would happen to her mother? How could she stand by and watch that?

"The surgery was a successful one," the doctor assured them, his focus now on Giles. "While we were not able to remove the entire tumor, we reduced it to a size that will be much more manageable for future treatments. We have no reason to think Joyce won't make a full recovery."

Buffy was finding it hard to believe that. How could her mother recover if they'd just left part of the tumor in her brain? Wouldn't it get bigger again? How could they tell her the surgery had been "successful" if it hadn't even been complete?

She saw the doctor shake Giles's hand before walking off, and Buffy realized she must've zoned out for the last part of whatever he'd said. She looked up at Giles. "Where's Mom now?"

"She's still in the recovery room. They're waiting for her to wake up," Giles replied.

"Wake up? She's not awake yet? Why isn't she awake yet?"

Giles put his hand on Buffy's shoulder. "There's no cause for alarm yet. She was very heavily sedated for the surgery, and it's probably best for her to be resting right now anyway."

Buffy couldn't seem to get herself to process any of what she was being told. Her mother hadn't woken up after the surgery, but that was good. The doctors hadn't removed the entire tumor, but the surgery was successful. It didn't make sense to her. She'd wanted the doctor to come out and tell them everything was fine—the tumor was gone from Joyce's brain forever, and they could now go about their lives as normal. Now there was talk to radiation treatments, and…how long would her mother be sick?

"I need some air," Buffy announced, taking a step back from her family. "I can't…"

"Do you want me to go with you?" Spike asked.

Buffy shook her head. "I just need a little time alone. I'll be back… I be back later."

She didn't wait for a response as she turned around and hurried towards the exit of the hospital. She knew she should probably stick around for Giles and Dawn, since they had to be feeling the same way she was, but Buffy couldn't then. The antiseptic feel the hospital was getting to her, making her feel trapped.

She found a bench outside, and took a seat, struggling for a moment to keep herself from hyperventilating. Even with the turmoil of emotions that had been inside of her since she'd gotten the call from Giles, Buffy had still been holding back. She'd had a glimmer of hope that the surgery would be a complete success, and in only a few days, all of this would be behind her. She knew now she hadn't gotten that at all, and, odds were, this was going to be a long, hard battle for her mother.

The tears wouldn't stop now, and Buffy was surprised to find she still had so many left. She felt like she'd been crying constantly since she'd gotten the news of her mother's illness, yet there always seemed to be a fresh wave of tears waiting to spill.

She stopped trying to make them slow. Buffy lost track of time as she sat alone on the bench, letting herself cry with the hope that at the end, perhaps she could feel some level of catharsis. But as her crying jag went on, she only felt worse, the indefinite status of her mother's condition only serving to exacerbate everything else.

"Are you okay?"

The question made Buffy look up sharply, a frown coming to her face when she saw Ben in front of her and realized her solitude had been breached. Her first thought was to snap that no, of course she wasn't okay. Her mother had a brain tumor the doctors apparently couldn't completely remove, and seeing as she was now sitting alone sobbing, wondering whether or not she was "okay" was probably not the most astute observation someone could make. But she bit her tongue, reminded herself that she was angry with things Ben certainly had no control over, and that he was probably just worried about her, but didn't know the best way to approach her. She sniffed and wiped her eye with her hand. "I've been better."

"Do you mind if I sit down?" Ben asked, pointing to the empty spot beside Buffy on the bench.

In all honesty, Buffy did mind. She'd come out here to be alone, not chat with someone who was a virtual stranger. However, she didn't want to be impolite. "Yeah, go ahead," she told him.

Ben didn't seem to pick up on her actual hesitation as he took a seat. "Not taking the news of your mother's surgery too well?" he asked.

Buffy shook her head. "No. I don't even understand it. They were in there—how could they not get all of the tumor?"

"Sometimes removing the whole tumor can be more dangerous than leaving a little bit in," Ben replied. "Depending on where it's located, removing the whole tumor can actually hurt the patient. Sometimes there's no way to tell that's going to be the case until they're in there, looking around, and when that happens, what the doctors do is remove as much of the tumor as they safely can. The smaller the tumor, the more likely it is to respond to other sorts of treatments. Before, the tumor was so big the odds of getting rid of it with something like radiation therapy weren't that good, but now that it's smaller, the odds of that working and allowing your mother to go into full recovery are much greater."

Ben paused, hesitating for a moment before he placed his hand on Buffy's arm. "Your mother's in very good hands. Since I've been here, I've seen patients come in with cases similar to hers and go back out with nothing but hopes for a full, healthy life. They removed a very large portion of the tumor, and that's a good thing, Buffy."

"But the radiation treatments—isn't that like chemotherapy? Won't they make her sick and bald and all of that?"

"Chemotherapy is actually the medications often given along with the radiation treatments, to make them more effective," Ben explained. "Radiation treatments today can be very localized, with a minimal effect to cells aside from the cancerous ones. Usually, with a brain tumor, some hair loss does occur, but it tends to be localized, and the hair grows back shortly after treatment ends. As for other side effects, there's a few, but they can vary from patient to patient. Your mother will meet with a radiation oncologist before beginning the therapy who will decide which kind of treatment will be best for her."

"There's different kinds?" Buffy asked.

"There's a few that have been proven effective against brain tumors, yeah," Ben replied. He patted her arm. "Your mother's prognosis is very good. I know it seems horrible now, but radiation treatments are usually over within two months. The cancer hasn't spread from her brain, and that one tumor was the only one there the doctors saw any signs of. They caught it early, removed most of it with surgery, and there's no reason to think the remainder won't be susceptible to treatment." He smiled. "There's every reason to believe that your mother is going to be okay."

Ben's assurances were helping. He was a medical professional, after all, and hearing him explain to her in clearer detail what her mother was facing made it all seem less scary. "You said the treatments will last two months?

"At most," Ben told her. "The standard time is between five and seven weeks. She'll be asked to come in once or twice a day, for about half an hour, probably five times a week."

"And is this normal—her still having some of the tumor left over after the surgery?"

"It's not at all uncommon," Ben assured her. "One of the reasons why they wanted to hurry to get Joyce into surgery was the size of the tumor. It was too large for the doctors to be optimistic about non-surgical procedures. But now, with the tumor much smaller, that's no longer an issue. The surgery significantly increased her chances of making a full recovery."

Things made more sense to Buffy now. The surgery had been successful in that it had removed enough of the tumor to make what was left treatable. This, Buffy could understand. "Thank you. I didn't really understand what the other doctor was talking about. I think I was still sort of in shock."

"It can all be pretty confusing," Ben said. "I can get you some pamphlets, ones that'll help you to better understand what's going to be occurring during your mother's treatments."

"I'd like that very much. Thank you."

Ben stood up. "Should I bring them back out here, or…"

"I'm going to go back inside," Buffy replied, getting up as well. "I just needed some air after getting the report from the surgery, but I'm feeling a little better now."

"I'll walk back in with you then," Ben told her with a smile.

*** *** ***


Spike fought very hard against the jealousy stirring inside of him at the sight of Ben and Buffy coming back into the waiting room together. Why had she told him she wanted to be alone, but then been outside with the intern? He didn't like that.

He also didn't like the way Ben reached out and touched Buffy's arm, saying something too softly for Spike to hear before he finally walked off. What right did Ben have to touch Buffy? Wasn't that crossing some line of professionalism anyway?

Spike took deep breaths, calming himself as Buffy walked back over to him. They'd already fought once about Ben, and Spike knew now was not the time to start things up again. Her mother had just gotten out of surgery, and he'd be a total ass of a boyfriend if he fought with her now. Besides, Buffy had had a point the other day about him needing to trust her. She loved him, so what did it matter if Ben was trying to move in? Buffy was his. He needed to be secure in that.

"Easier said than done, mate," he thought as he replayed the image in his mind of Ben laying his hand against Buffy's arm.

"Where are Dawn and Giles?" Buffy asked as she sat down next to Spike.

"Nibblet was getting a little antsy. Giles took her down to the cafeteria," Spike replied. "Are you doing any better?"

"I think so," Buffy said. "I talked to Ben out there. I wanted to come right out and tell you, because I know you were jealous the other day, and I don't want to give you any more reason to worry. I didn't go looking for him or anything, he just found me, and he answered the questions I had about what's up next for my mother. That's all we talked about, and now he's getting me some pamphlets on her treatment options."

"Well, he's being awfully helpful," Spike replied, unable to mask his sarcasm.

Buffy held up her hands. "I really, really don't need this right now. I needed someone to explain to me what's going on with my mother, and Ben did that in a way I could understand."

Spike sighed. "I know. I'm sorry, but I just don't like him. He's overly friendly, and I don't like the way he looks at you. I'm really not trying to fight with you now."

"I know, just…get over the Ben thing. We've never had a conversation about anything but doctory stuff. I wouldn't let it go any further than that, Spike. So chill, please. I can't handle this right now."

Spike put his arm around her, relieved when Buffy settled against him. "I'm not trying to make things harder for you."

"I know you're not. Just relax with the jealousy. I had problems completing a lab assignment because you scared my partner, and the Dingoes got banned from that one club after you beat that guy up."

"He was drunk, and he grabbed your arse, Buffy," Spike replied in his defense.

"I know, but just…calm down. A little jealousy sometimes is kinda sexy, but a lot gets old after a while."

"I love you, pet," Spike told her. "I can't stand the thought of losing you."

"And have I ever given you any reason to think I'd leave you for another man?" When Spike shook his head, Buffy continued. "That's because I wouldn't. I want you, baby. Just you." She punctuated her statement with a kiss.

When the sound of a man clearing his throat made Buffy pull away, and Spike realized that it was Ben, he decided to show Buffy just how good he could be at not being too jealous by letting Ben live. He was being gracious, really.

"I got you the pamphlets," Ben said, handing a stack to Buffy. "The ones on top will probably be the most helpful. They explain the different kinds of radiation treatments and their possible side effects."

"Thank you," Buffy told him as she took the pamphlets. "I appreciate this."

"Just happy I could help," Ben replied. "Let me know if I can do anything else."

Buffy felt Spike tense beside her, but she was happy to see he stayed quiet. "Okay. Thanks."

Ben nodded and left, and Buffy turned back to Spike. She kissed his cheek. "Thank you for not hurting him."

"I wanted to. Clearing his bloody throat like that… He can sodding wait until I finish kissing my girlfriend."

"I know. But I am your girlfriend, honey. Just remember that, okay?"

"I do remember that," Spike assured her. "I'll do my best not to let him bother me."

"Thanks." Buffy moved closer beside him, her head resting on his shoulder as she let him give her the comfort she knew she could only find in Spike's arms.

*** *** ***


I don't think there's going to be a new update on Thursday. I'm going out of town Friday morning, and between working late to make sure I'm not too swamped when I get back and having to get everything ready at home, too, Thursday night is going to be busy. Hopefully, though, I'll be able to post twice again next week.

Please review!
Chapter Thirty-Six by Addie Logan
Buffy hesitated a step as she walked into the hospital room, forcing herself to smile instead of wince at the sight of her mother. Joyce's head was bandaged and she was hooked up to more machines than Buffy could identify, but the beep of the heart monitor was strong, and she made herself focus on that. The surgery may have not been a complete success, but Buffy knew what was the most important thing now—her mother was alive. Joyce had gotten this far, and she could keep fighting.

Still, looking at her now made it harder for Buffy to believe that. Joyce was awake, though still feeling the effects from the drugs, and she looked even weaker now than she had when Buffy had first seen her in the hospital. Buffy had known that would be the case this soon after surgery, but it was still managed to be a bit of a shock.

Slowly, Buffy approached the bed and took her mother's hand. Her skin felt cold, but Joyce made a weak attempt to squeeze Buffy's fingers, letting her daughter know there was indeed life still in her. "Mommy," Buffy said softly, her voice hitching. "I'm…" She stopped for a moment, trying to compose herself, to say something more guarded, the way she wanted to be, but instead she found herself saying, "I'm so happy just to see your eyes open."

Joyce smiled softly, and Buffy could tell from the expression her mother was in pain even as she tried not to let it show. "I'm going to be all right," Joyce said, her voice hoarse. "You don't need to worry, Buffy."

Buffy almost reached out to push her mother's hair back from her face, but stopped, afraid if she did she'd jostle her head too much and hurt her. "I kinda can't help that, you know," Buffy told her. "You're my mom, and you're in the hospital. That's high on the list of worry-causers."

"You've got good things to focus on," Joyce replied, her words sounding as if they were a struggle, with the pain and the medication she was speaking through. "Spike has his record deal. This is a happy time for the two of you."

"And it'll be even happier when you're better," Buffy said, patting her mother's hand gently.

Joyce nodded slowly, and her eyes began to drift shut. The doctor had told them she probably wouldn't be awake long this time, and she'd already spent some time with Dawn and Giles. Part of Buffy hated to let go now, afraid that if her mother did fall asleep again, she wouldn't wake back up. Yet the logical part of her knew what Joyce really needed right now in order to work towards getting healthy again was more rest.

Carefully, as to not jostle the IV, Buffy raised Joyce's hand to her mouth and gave it a soft kiss. "I'll let you sleep now, Mom, and I'll see you again soon."

Joyce's eyes opened all the way just long enough for her to nod before they closed again. Buffy let go of her hand and quietly left the room.

*** *** ***


When visiting hours had ended and the doctor had assured the Giles-Summers clan that Joyce would most likely be sleeping for the rest of the evening, they'd headed back to Revello Drive, silence filling the car as they did.

Spike and Giles had ended up in the kitchen, and Buffy could hear them speaking quietly to each other, about what she wasn't sure. She decided not to intrude, but to let them have their father/son moment.

She went upstairs instead, stopping in front of Dawn's room when she saw the girl's door was partially open. Buffy peeked her head in and saw Dawn sitting on the bed, starring down at a stuffed doll she'd had for years. It was a soft cloth doll, and its head, arms, and legs were sticking out of a stuffed pumpkin.

"Pumpkinbelly," Buffy remarked, making Dawn look up suddenly, unaware she was being watched until her sister had spoken.

"Yeah. I dug her out of my closet." Dawn lowered her arms, the doll now hanging just below her knees. "I was just…thinking."

"Do you want to be alone?" Buffy asked.

Dawn shook her head in response. "No. You can come in."

Buffy accepted the invitation and went into the room, sitting on the edge of the bed beside her younger sister. Long moments of silence passed, and Buffy gently stroked Dawn's long, dark hair. "We look more like sisters now that you aren't dying yours anymore," Dawn said, glancing over at Buffy.

"We've always looked like sisters," Buffy said. "Now we just look like sisters with more similar hair."

Dawn smiled partially, then brought her gaze back down to the doll. She twirled it by its arms, making it do an awkward spin in the air. "Mom bought this for me years ago. It was all smooshed at the bottom of this pile of reduced price Halloween stuff at the grocery store."

"I remember," Buffy told her. "A Pumpkinbelly for her Pumpkinbelly."

"Yeah." Dawn was silent for another moment, then continued to stare at the doll as she spoke again. "It drove me crazy when she'd still call me that. I'd ask her to stop, but she'd keep doing it, and I…" She stopped for a beat, fighting tears. "Now I'd be happy to let her call me that every day. I just want her home, and better and…"

"I know, Dawnie," Buffy said when the teenager trailed off, letting go of her sister's hair to rub her back.

"She's not even easy to live with," Dawn continued after a moment. "She makes me so angry, and sometimes I wish she'd go away. It was getting better before she got sick, I think, but… Well, you know, Buffy. You know as well as anyone. But I don't want her to die. I'd rather she was here to yell and drive me crazy than have her be dead."

"Me, too," Buffy admitted.

Dawn glanced up. "Even after Christmas?"

"Yeah. That hurt, and I don't think I'm really over it, but I love her. I'd rather go through that every Christmas for the rest of my life than not have her at all—as crazy as that may sound."

"I keep thinking about when we go to Grandpa's grave. We just stand there, staring at a rock with his name on it and the ground like we're really visiting him. But we can't see him, can't talk to him, and it doesn't make it feel like he's not gone forever. I don't want to have it be like that with Mom, too. Not now, not when I'm only sixteen."

Dawn's eyes filled with tears, and Buffy wrapped her arm around her sister to hold her close. She wanted to tell Dawn everything was going to be okay, that their mother would definitely live for a long time after this. But she couldn't. Even with the treatments, there was no guarantee Joyce would make a full recovery, nor was their one that the cancer wouldn't come back. There was a chance—there was hope—but there was no promise.

Instead, Buffy held Dawn tightly in her arms, and the two sisters cried together.

*** *** ***


Spike was glad Buffy had gone to sleep quickly, even though he was still wide-awake. She was mentally and physically exhausted, and he knew she needed this rest. She'd had circles under her eyes ever since Spike had arrived in Sunnydale, reminding him more of the girl she'd been when he'd first seen her again in New York than she had in a long time.

He didn't want her to have to carry this sort of burden, and he hated how he couldn't make life easier for her. She was twenty-two and already she'd known more heartache than many people much older. He'd done what he could since he'd come into her life, but there was only so much one man could do. Spike wanted to completely shield her from any heartache, keep her from knowing anything but happiness.

Yet all he'd done today was make things worse for her. He remembered all too well the pain of watching your mother suffer the way Joyce was now, and he hated to think of Buffy going through that. Being only human, he was frustratingly incapable of making things wholly better for her, but Spike had hoped he could at least be of some comfort to her. He'd wanted his presence to be soothing, to give her the extra strength she'd need to get through this. Instead, he'd acted like a total dick.

He hated that he couldn't control his jealousy any better than he did. He didn't want to be jealous, of Ben or anyone else for that matter. It wasn't even an issue of not trusting her, because he did. He loved Buffy deeply, and he did trust her and their relationship.

But he'd trusted Drusilla as well…

Spike knew Buffy was nothing like Drusilla. The time he'd spent away from his former girlfriend and with Buffy had forced him to see his ex for what she truly was. She was cold and manipulative where Buffy was warm and giving. He knew that. Rationally, he knew that.

However, where his heart was concerned, Spike had always had a difficult time being rational. Even with knowing the sort of woman Drusilla really was, Spike couldn't help but blame himself at least partially for her infidelity. Something must have driven her into the arms of another man, after all, and Drusilla had been quite insistent about that something being him. She'd told him he wasn't pleasing her anymore, told him he fell short as a lover. In the beginning, she'd told him the exact opposite, praising his abilities to please her in a way no other man ever had. He didn't think he'd started doing anything differently, but what if he had? What if he was the sort of man who got boring after a while? Was he not long-term relationship material?

Spike had always tried to fight it when his thoughts took this turn, but he couldn't help it. He'd wanted to be everything for Drusilla, and he'd failed. Now, he wanted to be everything for Buffy—how did he know he'd be any more successful there? What if whatever it was that made Drusilla run to the arms of another man was something fundamentally wrong with him? Was there something he did wrong, something he wasn't aware of but that would make any woman tire of him eventually?

Nothing terrified him like the thought of losing Buffy. Nothing. All he'd ever wanted in his entire life was for a woman to look at him the way she did, to need him the way she did, and to lose that… He couldn't even let himself think about it. It frightened him so much that every time he saw another man getting too close to Buffy, he'd become afraid that she'd find in him whatever Spike was missing in himself. He couldn't be sure he wasn't failing Buffy in someway, not being everything she needed, and he was afraid if she got close to someone else, she'd realize where Spike was lacking and not want to deal with it anymore.

And Ben…he had to be better, didn't he? Even with the record deal, Spike was still a musician, and society didn't exactly label them the stable, marrying kind. But doctors, they were the real prize, weren't they? Didn't women want to date the rock star and marry the doctor? Spike knew he was flawed. He had a quick temper, a checkered past, and he wasn't so naïve as to think he didn't drink too bloody much. He was damaged goods, and even if this record deal led to millions in the bank for him, he'd still be damaged goods. Not some clean-cut, professional-looking doctor who could promise the whole White Picket Fence Dream.

So yeah, he was jealous, and yeah, he wanted Ben to stay the hell away from Buffy. The longer the soon-to-be doctor stuck around, the more opportunities Buffy would have to see how Spike was somehow deficient.

Or maybe it wouldn't be Ben. Maybe it wouldn't even be another man. Maybe Buffy would just wake up one day and realize she was throwing her life away with him. Then she'd leave him, and he'd be forced to go back to being so painfully alone. Only this time, it would be worse, because no one else could ever be to him what Buffy was. She wasn't cold like Dru. She was warm and loving with a smile that made his heart melt, and Spike knew no one else would ever make him feel like Buffy did, not even if he searched forever.

Buffy was curled up in the bed, facing but not touching him, and the small amount of space between them became too much for Spike to handle. Gently, so as not to wake her, Spike brought Buffy into his arms, the tension in his body draining as he held her again. Buffy made a small mew in her sleep and snuggled closer to him, and Spike brushed a soft kiss to her forehead with a smile. She was his now, and maybe she always would be. Maybe he'd get lucky, and she would want to stay with him.

When Spike looked into his future, all he could see was Buffy. The future he wanted to live anyway... He knew becoming rich and famous was certainly something he'd enjoy, but he didn't want it if he didn't have Buffy. In every fantasy he had for his life from there on out, she was with him, by his side. He wanted to share everything with her, and he knew without her it would all be at best bittersweet. Without her, everything would be hollow.

"Don't ever leave me, kitten," he whispered, knowing Buffy couldn't hear his needy plea. "I couldn't make it again, not after…" He stopped, the mere thought of losing her choking him.

He took a deep breath, trying to force himself to stop thinking about these things. Buffy was in his arms, and that was what really mattered. He had to have the hope they could make it.

Spike tightened his arms around her as he tried to find sleep.

*** *** ***


I'm sorry I didn't post on Tuesday, but between being out of town until later than I'd expected on Monday and then being completely swamped playing catch-up at work, I couldn't get anything written. I'm hoping I'll be able to post two chapters again next week, but right now I really can't make any promises. I currently have no chapters in reserve, and I'm having a hard time writing this one again. I know exactly where I'm going—I have from the very start—but that doesn't mean I can always get my thoughts down. I'm hoping I can find the time and inspiration to work through this and get back into a groove, but if I don't post as regularly as I have been for a little bit, please, try to be patient and understanding. I'm not saying I'm going to go back to months between posts again, but it may have to go down to one chapter a week for a little bit.

Please review. My muse and I would really appreciate the encouragement.
Chapter Thirty-Seven by Addie Logan
Spike hated leaving Buffy. She'd insisted on staying in Sunnydale until her mother was released from the hospital, and he wanted nothing more to stay there with her—only she wouldn't let him. He'd stayed through the weekend, but come Monday afternoon, Buffy was insisting he return to Los Angeles. She'd kept in mind how he'd told her he needed to be back Tuesday, and she wasn't letting him backpedal now.

"Spike, we already had this conversation," Buffy told him as they stood outside of Sunnydale Memorial Hospital. "I appreciate that you want to be here with me, really I do, but this album is important. You need to be in L.A. to work on it. I'm going to be fine. The doctors are planning to release her tomorrow, and once she's settled back at home, I'll leave. Besides, if you stay now, I'll just start worrying about you neglecting the band."

"That's a completely unfair ploy, you know, telling me I'll worry you more by staying," Spike pointed out with a frown.

"Yeah, but it's true." Buffy replied. "I'm fine here. The best thing you can do right now is go home." Spike flinched at her words, and Buffy immediately reached out and took his hand. "Hey, I don't mean I want you to go away. I love you, and having you here for support while my mother was in the hospital has meant so much to me. But I can't have you sacrificing your career for this. The last thing I want is the band calling me Buffy Ono."

Spike chuckled, and Buffy was glad she seemed to have diffused the situation before his mood grew darker. She'd figured out feeling needed was important to Spike, and the last thing she wanted was to make him feel otherwise. Spike slid his fingers between hers with the hand she'd taken hold of. "Are you really sure, kitten? I hate leaving you like this. What if something happens, and you need someone to support you?"

"Honey, you're not going into the jungles of South America under strict orders of radio silence," Buffy replied. "You're not even leaving the state. I can still call you if something comes up, and I'll be home in a couple of days anyway."

"I know, but I still…" Spike stopped, and dropped his gaze away from her. While his primary reason for wanting to stay was because he wanted to be there to support her, another part of him wanted to stay so he could simply be near her, and it made him feel somewhat guilty. She had too much stress in her life right then to have to deal with a clingy boyfriend, too.

Buffy, however, was more perceptive than he was giving her credit for, and was able to pick up on the second reason without him actually telling her. She moved closer, placing her free hand against his hip. "I'm going to miss you, too, you know. But it's only for a little while, and when I come home, I promise I'll make up for the fact that I haven't exactly been big with the whole physical expression of love recently."

Spike looked up again sharply. "Buffy, I haven't been expecting… I know you've been under stress, and I haven't…"

Buffy stood on her tiptoes and put her finger against his lips. "I know, baby. But it has been a while—at least for us—and I know you have to be missing being inside me—like I've missed having you inside."

Suddenly, Spike's eyes darkened, a shiver running through his body. He pulled the finger that was at his lips into his mouth and gave it a light nibble. "Whenever I'm not inside, I miss it, pet," he said as he let her hand drop.

Her response was to kiss him, long, and slow, and deep. She hadn't kissed him like this in days either, and now it was making her knees buckle. Spike wrapped his arm around her to steady her even as Buffy was taking handfuls of his shirt in her fists, moaning into his mouth.

When they finally broke apart for air, all Spike could think was that he really didn't want to leave her now.

"I'll be home in a couple of days," Buffy promised him, unclenching her hands from his shirt and placing them flat against his chest instead. "You can shag me until I can't walk straight then."

Spike's mouth twitched up in a smirk. "I'm holding you to that, pet."

Buffy kissed him again to seal the deal, though she pulled back before it got too heated again, knowing that would only make it harder to say good-bye. "Okay, now you go in and say your good-byes so you can get home and make an album."

Spike nodded, though Buffy could still see the reluctance in his eyes. "We'll be together soon," Buffy promised, stroking his cheek softly. She smiled at how Spike automatically nuzzled against her hand.

"I know," Spike conceded, though he already felt as if he were missing her, even as she stood in front of him. "Let's go then."

*** *** ***


As Buffy lay alone in bed staring up at the ceiling, she wished she had it in herself to be more selfish. She missed Spike the most when she was trying to sleep, nothing seeming right without him cuddled up against her. For all the talk about men hating to snuggle, hers was practically a teddy bear.

She'd gotten used to it early on, before they were even a couple. Those nights when he'd just held her to help her chase away her demons had gotten her hooked. Part of her wished now that she was the sort of person who could demand he focus solely on her so she could have him with her now instead of being forced to sleep alone while he was in Lost Angeles, but Buffy knew she could never do that to him. She loved him too much to ever try to stand in the way between Spike and his music career. He'd been working towards this longer than he'd known her, and she wanted him to succeed. He deserved it.

Still, Buffy was glad she'd stayed. Her mother already seemed to be doing a little better, but she wanted to be there when Joyce came home, for her own piece of mind if nothing else. She also knew she was going to have to visit, probably often while her mother was undergoing radiation therapy. Joyce could still take a turn for the worst, and Buffy wanted a chance to work through their issues before that happened. Even if it turned out their issues weren't ones that could be worked through, she wanted to be able to say she'd tried. If she didn't, she'd be facing a lifetime of regrets, and she already had more than enough of those.

Buffy curled up on her side, hugging the pillow Spike had slept on the night before. It still held traces of his scent, and she breathed it in, letting it calm her. For a moment, she didn't realize she'd begun to cry until the pillowcase grew damp, and she squeezed it tighter, wishing it could be him. The past week had been an emotional roller coaster, and no matter how hard she tried to keep herself collected, she couldn't.

Her cell phone rested on the edge of the bedside table, and Buffy fought the urge to call him. Knowing Spike, he'd turn right back around and return to Sunnydale if he heard her crying, and she didn't want him to do that more than she did. Emotionally, she wanted him there to hold her, but logically, she knew her neediness was not as important as the album. She could make it through this night on her own. After all, she'd been sleeping alone for years before Spike came into her life, and she'd survived just fine. With everything he did for her, she owed it to him to allow him to let his career come first.

She gripped the pillow tighter.

*** *** ***


Spike was not having what he'd call the best day of his life. He'd gotten very little sleep the night before worrying about Buffy, and then his morning in the studio had been such a complete bust that he was pissed off for having to come back at all. Their bleeding wanker of a guitar player, Brian, had thrown a complete fit about Oz and Rory not wanting one of his songs off the album, and when Spike had thrown his lot in with the bassist and drummer, Brian had hit the roof and stormed out. After waiting two hours for him to come back, they'd called it a day, and now they were out of the studio again until Thursday—if Brian decided to get his head out of his arse that was.

Spike had been in no mood for drama, but the fact remained that the song was crap. Brian knew how to play, but he'd never been much of a writer, and cutting that song made room for one Oz and Rory had written which had actual potential to be a hit—not that one song on an album that always seems to keep them from being all ones you don't want to skip past. That and the lyrics were so bloody stupid Spike had to fight from rolling his eyes every time he sang them.

With the day a bust and Wednesday called off, Spike made the spur of the moment decision to go back to Sunnydale. He'd talked to Buffy before she'd gone to the hospital, and he'd made the ill-fated trip into the studio, and she'd told him she was planning on coming back to Los Angeles the next morning. Seeing as she had no car of her own, that would mean either Giles would have to take her or she'd have to take the bus, and Spike knew it would be easier for her if he was there to drive her home. So he went back to their apartment long enough to throw a few things in a bag and set out again.

After the day he had, too, he wanted to see her. He knew he couldn't put all his troubles on her, not with her mother being sick, but being with her was bound to make him feel better. It always did. He knew if he was holding her the fact that Brian was already exhibiting diva-like behavior before the first album was even finished wouldn't matter so much anymore. Or any of the other little annoyances he'd discovered came with making an actual studio album either.

Buffy had told him that morning they were keeping her mother for most of the day, wanting to get a few more tests and observation in before they sent her home, so Spike bypassed Revello Drive and went straight to the hospital. He thought as he pulled into the parking lot he probably should've called, but he hadn't wanted to take the time to stop long enough to use the phone. He'd just have to assure her he hadn't put the album in jeopardy by being there, since she seemed to be worried about that.

Spike got out of the car and stopped for a moment, taking a deep breath as he ran his hand through his hair, tousling his bleached curls. He was tired and stressed, the majority of his day involving screaming at Brian followed by driving so fast down the interstate he was amazed he hadn't gotten pulled over. He needed Buffy. Even if he couldn't put all his troubles at her feet and have her give him the comfort he really wanted, he needed her. She'd put her arm around him, and she'd kiss him, and he'd feel better.

He walked into the hospital, but stopped short at the entrance to the waiting room, the sight in front of him making him feel anything but better. Giles and Dawn were nowhere to be seen, but Buffy was there, sitting in one of the chairs with her legs tucked under her talking to Ben. Spike couldn't hear what they were saying, but he did hear her laugh, and he clenched his fists at his sides. Ben was in the seat right beside Buffy, so close he was almost touching her, and Spike felt his whole body shaking with anger and jealousy. He'd worried about her being there without him, but apparently, she was handling herself just fine.

Spike wanted to hurt the intern. He wanted to storm over there, drag him away from his girlfriend, and make it clear to him that he needed to stay the hell away from Buffy. But he couldn't do it. For one thing, it would only piss Buffy off, and he did have enough sense to know if he did that, everything would get worse. Still, he couldn't see her now, not like this.

He turned around, left the hospital, and drove back to Los Angeles.

*** *** ***


*cowers* Don't kill me? Please?

Yes, there's angst ahead. I'm warning you now. Eventually, it's going to get better and there will be happiness, but it's getting to another bumpy stretch in the road. If you want to duck out for a bit, I'll understand, but please, don't yell at me first, because I'm not going to change what I have planned.
Chapter Thirty-Eight by Addie Logan
Giles had taken Dawn out to get something to eat while the doctors ran their final tests on Joyce before giving her the all-clear, but Buffy had stayed behind, unable to shake the notion that the doctors would suddenly find something they hadn't seen before, and she'd need to be there. Granted, she knew she was probably just being all Worst Case Scenario, but she was having a hard time relaxing at all with her mother still in the hospital. She hoped it would get better once Joyce was allowed to return home, even if she'd be coming back to the hospital on a near-daily basis for her treatments.

Something seemed inherently better about outpatient treatment, at least in Buffy's mind. If you weren't so sick you had to be in the hospital all the time, then you must be on the road to recovery.

She'd sat alone in the waiting room, her mind drifting to Spike. It had only been a day since she'd seen him last, but she missed him so much already it felt like longer. Buffy reached for her cell phone several times, but she kept stopping, reminding herself he was probably in the studio, and she shouldn't disturb him. She was fine there on her own, and he needed to concentrate on the album without any girlfriendly distractions.

Buffy pulled her feet up into the chair and turned sideways, trying to get comfortable despite the fact such a feat was probably near impossible. It had been easier though, when she could lean on Spike. A small smile crept to her lips as she thought about how good it felt to cuddle up against his chest, even in a place like the hospital. He had one of the best chests she'd ever seen and certainly the best one she'd ever had the privilege of touching. Or kissing. Or licking…

Her smile grew a bit at that particular thought. It had been too long since she and Spike had gotten any decent alone time. It was moving past a week now, and Buffy was feeling antsy. She knew plenty of couples went longer, but they'd never been one of them, and just a day or two without Spike inside of her made her ready to climb the walls. She wanted him just as badly as she had in the beginning, and she was pretty sure he felt the same way about her. They were close on an emotional level as well, but their sexual connection was amazing, the sort Buffy had previously thought was something made up to sell issues of Cosmo. Then she'd met Spike and realized just how real it could be.

She was so caught up in her thoughts of Spike she didn't notice Ben was approaching her until he was sitting right beside her. She started, wondering about his presence for a moment before she had a sudden wave of panic. "Is my mom…"

"She's fine," Ben said quickly, realizing how Buffy could've misinterpreted his appearance. "The tests have all gone well so far. I was just on my break and saw you sitting here alone and thought you might need some company.

Buffy's first thought was, "No, I don't need company. Please go away so I can keep fantasizing about my boyfriend who can do things with his tongue that should be illegal," but she figured that would be rude, and Ben had been nice to her through all of this. "My step-father and sister went to get something to eat," Buffy told him. "I stayed behind in case Mom needed me."

"Did your boyfriend not come in with you today?" Ben asked, trying his best to sound casual.

Buffy wasn't fooled. She thought Spike was overreacting about the whole thing, but she also knew Ben was attracted to her at least somewhat. She wasn't clueless. She just didn't think it was a big deal since she felt nothing for him, and he seemed professional enough not to cross any lines. And even if he did, she was not a damsel in distress. She was fully capable of kneeing him in the balls and pepper spraying his eyes. She hadn't spent years on her own in a major city and learned nothing.

"Spike had to go back to L.A. yesterday," Buffy replied. "He's in a band, and they're recording their first album. He needed to be in the studio this morning."

"Oh, a musician, huh?" Ben said, his tone just impressed enough to try to hide his distain. "What instrument?"

"Well, he can play the guitar, but he's mainly the singer. He's got a great voice," Buffy smiled, doing her best to convey where her interests truly rested. "He's a good songwriter, too. He's written some really nice ones for me."

"Then I wish him good luck on his album," Ben replied.

From there, he turned the conversation away from Spike, trying instead to catch Buffy's interest with humorous stories of life as an intern. Buffy had to admit they were funny, and most of them did make her laugh, but in some ways, the whole thing was bringing her back to her ill-fated attempt to date Riley Finn. Ben was a nice enough guy, but she felt no real spark with him—not the way she did with Spike. Maybe at another point in her life, before she'd learned the meaning of true passion, she would've been attracted to Ben, but not now, not when she knew what she'd be giving up.

When the conversation came to a lull, Buffy spoke up, deciding to nip any feelings Ben may be developing for her in the bud in a more productive way than Spike's glares and macho posturing would turn out to be if experience had taught her anything.

"Ben… Okay, I may be completely off base here and way too self-absorbed, but I'm going to come right out and say something, because I'm getting a vibe. I love my boyfriend. Really, really love my boyfriend. And he loves me, too. I know he probably looks all unstable-bad boyish, with the punk look and the being in a band thing, but he's not. He's a sweet, loving, wonderful guy, and I could never do anything to hurt him. I just…thought you should know that."

Ben pulled away, blushing a little at Buffy's shutdown of his attempt to get closer. "All right. I can respect that."

"Good. Thanks."

Ben stood up. "My break's about over. I should be getting back to work."

"Okay. And I really am thankful for all the help you've given over the past couple of days," Buffy told him.

Ben smiled. "I'm glad I could help." He cleared his throat. "I hope Spike knows how lucky he is."

"I'm the one who's lucky," Buffy said softly as she watched Ben walk away.

*** *** ***


Joyce had wanted to go to bed almost as soon as they got her back to the house, but Buffy didn't let her mother's tiredness worry her. The doctors had released her, so she must be well enough to be home. Besides, who wouldn't be tired after all Joyce had been through?

Buffy watched television with her sister for a little while before she excused herself to go upstairs and call Spike, figuring he had to be out of the studio by then. She stopped right outside of her mother's bedroom, a smile creeping to her face as she peeked in through the partially-opened door. Giles had gone with Joyce to bed, and now they were both asleep, Joyce curled up in her husband's arms.

She was glad to see them so close, happy to know the distance between herself and her mother hadn't driven a wedge between Joyce and Rupert as well. The scene she was stealing a glimpse of warmed her, the love Giles felt for his wife clear in how close he was holding her, even in his sleep.

Buffy cocked her head, suddenly seeing the scene in another way, and she gasped. They weren't identical copies, sure, but she knew both herself and Spike bore definite resemblances to their respective parents. Watching her mother and Giles now was almost like getting a tiny glimpse into her future, what she and Spike could be like someday, years from then. She smiled, thinking about them growing older together and still being just as much in love. Buffy couldn't imagine her life any other way, not anymore. What would she have if she didn't have Spike?

A smile still on her face, Buffy closed the bedroom door the rest of the way, wanting to make sure that Joyce and Giles weren't disturbed. They looked so peaceful, and she wanted them to stay that way as long as they could. The ordeal they'd face had to be harrowing for both of them, and she knew they deserved their rest now.

She couldn't imagine having to go through what Giles must've been going through with Joyce in the hospital. The idea of Spike getting that sick scared Buffy more than the idea of it happening to herself, and she wasn't sure she could be as strong as Giles had been, especially if she'd already had to go through the same thing once before, the way he had.

Her desire to talk to Spike now even greater than when she'd first come upstairs, Buffy went into her room. She dug her cell phone out of her purse, pushed the speed dial button for their apartment and listened to the rings.

She frowned when the answering machine picked up, but started a message when she heard the beep.

"Hey, honey, it's me. My mother did get out of the hospital today, and the doctors say she's doing well, so I'm going to come home tomorrow like I planned. I don't want to make Giles leave Mom and Dawn on their own, so I'm going to take a bus into L.A. tomorrow afternoon. I'll take a cab from the bus depot, so you don't have to worry about working your schedule around getting me or anything. Okay, well…call me when you get home, all right? I'll have my cell turned on. Love you, Spike."

Buffy hung up her phone, wondering where Spike was. Usually, he'd come back from the studio by this time, but she knew there were some days when they stayed late, so she figured this must be one of those times. She almost called the number there to check, but decided against it. She'd already kept him away from the band long enough, and if they were making up for lost time, she didn't need to be disturbing him. Everything had gone smoothly today with her mother, so there wasn't any reason to talk to Spike right then anyway. She could wait until he got home like a patient girlfriend.

She ran her fingers over the numbers of her cell phone, wishing he'd get home soon. She missed the sound of his voice almost as much as she missed his touch. Plus, while everything had gone as well as it could for her that day, she wanted to hear if his day had gone smoothly as well. She worried about him taking that time off to be with her, and she wanted the reassurance that it hadn't caused any problems for the band.

Buffy lay down on the bed, her head resting against the pillow and her cell phone cradled in the palm of her hand.

*** *** ***


Spike heard the phone ring, and the sound of Buffy's voice managed to penetrate the haze of his alcohol-induced stupor, but he didn't get up to answer. What she was saying barely made any sense to him anyway at the moment, and he certainly didn't feel like talking.

He'd been drinking since he'd gotten home, and it still wasn't enough. With the way he was feeling, he wasn't sure it would be enough until he was no longer conscious. He was too raw inside for the alcohol to make him numb the way he wanted to.

He ran his finger around the rim of his glass as he stared into the dark brown liquid. Even with the chance of success presented to him now that he had a record deal, Spike found himself wishing they'd just stayed in New York. Everything had been simpler there, and he'd been happier. Even with knowing he'd never make the kind of money as a bar musician that he could with a real record contract, he'd preferred going out and performing like that to all the rules and pressure of making a studio album. For the first time in his life, singing was the source of his stress instead of his release.

The one spot of calm in his life had been Buffy. He'd leave everything from the studio behind when he came home, happy to be greeted by the bright ray of sunshine that was his girl. Buffy was always so glad to see him, so ready to welcome him home, that he was able to leave all his stress at the doorstep. Yet, in an instant, it had all changed. Joyce had gotten sick, and suddenly part of his stress was worrying about Buffy. She was the one who needed the comforting now, and Spike felt like he was failing there. He couldn't be there for her completely, not with the sodding album, and when he had been there, all he'd done was bollix things up.

Maybe she'd be better off with a guy like Ben. The guy looked right stable after all. He had to be better than the emotional wreck Spike knew he was, and he probably didn't have a tendency to self-medicate himself with absurd amounts of alcohol either. Spike figured that was probably a plus in a boyfriend.

He downed the rest of his drink before pouring himself another.

*** *** ***


Please take a moment to review. Feedback is very important!
Chapter Thirty-Nine by Addie Logan
By the time Buffy got back to Los Angeles, she was worried about Spike. He'd never called her back, and she seriously doubted he'd spent the entire night in the studio. She figured it was possible he'd gotten home so late he thought he'd be bothering her by calling, but now it was well into the afternoon of the next day, and she still hadn't heard from him.

She tried not to think the worst, but she couldn't keep her mind from coming up with a myriad of horrible scenarios for most of the bus trip and then the cab ride after that. The last time she'd spoken to him had been Monday night when he'd gotten back to L.A. from Sunnydale—and anything could've happened since then.

Buffy breathed a small sigh of relief when she saw Spike's DeSoto parked outside their apartment, but comfort was short-lived as her brain reminded her of the at-home traumas which could've happened to Spike. For all she knew, he'd slipped in the shower, hit his head, and died.

She paid the cab driver quickly, then rushed up the stairs to their door, fumbling with her keys for a moment before she was able to get inside. She gasped when she saw the apartment, her first thought being it had been ransacked. Nothing looked broken, but some of the furniture had been knocked over and several things had been pushed off tables and on to the ground.

Then, she noticed something else: empty beer and liquor bottles. She dropped her bag to the ground, fuming as she looked around and noticed her boyfriend was nowhere in sight. She was angry at herself for actually worrying about him and angry at him for being enough of a jerk to make her worry. "Spike!" she yelled. "Where the hell are you?"

She heard banging noises from the bedroom, and Spike soon emerged through the hallway. "And she's home," he muttered, leaning against the wall for support.

"Well, yeah. I do live here after all," Buffy snapped, one hand going to her hip as the other gestured to the mess. "What the hell is all of this? Were you on a bender?"

"Still am, luv," Spike replied with a drunken laugh.

Buffy threw her hands up in exasperation. "I leave you alone for two days and this is what I come home to? Dammit, Spike, what's wrong with you?"

"Wasn't sure you'd be comin' home," Spike replied. "Thought maybe you'd stay, shag the wanker-doctor. See what it's like in those beds that go up an' down."

Buffy's jaw dropped. "That is what all this is about? Ben? Dammit, Spike, I thought you were over this!"

"Could've been if you hadn't been all over 'im, laughin' and showin' him your pretty lil' smile. Did you fuck 'im, Buffy?"

She reeled back as if Spike had slapped her. "What?! No!"

"Why not? Would've been a good way to show how thankful you are for all 'is help, wouldn't it?"

Tears pricked her eyes, and Buffy's stomach rolled. "No! I don't want him, Spike!" She stopped, shaking her head and the hot tears began to run down her cheeks. "You want to know what happened with Ben?" Buffy yelled. "He came over to talk to me while I was sitting alone in the hospital, and I came right out and told him before he could even make a real move that nothing would ever happen between us because I'm very much in love with my sweet, wonderful boyfriend." She let out a deep, shuddering breath. "Maybe I was wrong about that last part."

Spike's mood changed immediately at Buffy's confession, and he blinked as he softened towards her. "Buffy…kitten…"

Buffy held up her hand. "No, Spike. I'm not putting up with this shit right now. I'm tired and drained after spending the last few days in the hospital with my mother, and I just want to sleep."

Spike moved towards her, but Buffy stepped away from him, holding out her arms to keep him back. "Just stay away from me right now. I can't stand you when you're like this."

He looked at her, hurt. "Luv…"

"Leave me alone, Spike," Buffy said as she turned and ran into the bedroom, locking the door behind her.

It wasn't long before Spike had followed her and was banging on the door, calling to her, but Buffy stayed on the bed, sobbing into her pillow.

Eventually, Spike gave up, and the room grew quiet again. Buffy rolled over, silent tears sliding down her cheeks as she stared at the blank wall.

*** *** ***


It was the next morning before Buffy left the bedroom, and she was relieved to find Spike asleep on the couch, both because she didn't feel like talking yet and because she'd been afraid he'd leave while he was drunk and something bad would happen to him.

She started fixing a pot of coffee, fighting back a fresh wave of tears as she did. Spike was rarely like he had been the night before, but when he was… Buffy shook her head. Spike wasn't a bad boyfriend. He didn't get drunk all the time, and he'd never once been violent with her—nor did she have any reason to believe he ever would be. His drinking was a problem when he was drunk, but it wasn't something that had taken over their lives.

What bothered her the most about the previous night—and what had crying now—wasn't Spike's drunkenness. It was what he'd said to her. She knew a lot of it was the alcohol talking, but she didn't think those thoughts would've come to the surface if they hadn't been somewhere in his mind already. Did he really think she'd be so quick to hop into bed with another man?

She braced herself against the kitchen counter, gripping the edge of it with both hands as her body shook with the force of her tears. She couldn't remember a time in their relationship when Spike had hurt her so much. His accusations after she'd done absolutely nothing with Ben…they'd broken her heart.

Buffy knew the moment Spike came into the kitchen, though she didn't turn to look at him. He hovered in the doorway for long moments until he finally spoke.

"God…pet… Buffy, I'm sorry. I don't… I'm so sorry."

The deep breath Buffy took came out a ragged sob. "I wouldn't, Spike," she said, her voice barely above a whisper. "I wouldn't."

"I know. I never really thought you did."

Buffy turned towards him, flinching at the pain she saw in his eyes. She didn't want to feel bad for him now, not after the way he'd treated her the night before.
"Why were you even like that last night, Spike?" she asked. "Why in the world would you get that drunk and then accuse me of sleeping with Ben? I thought you were over that!"

"I'm sorry, luv. I tried to be, I really did. But…" He stopped for a moment, taking a deep breath and closing his eyes before he opened them again and continued. "We finished in the studio early Tuesday, and I didn't have to be back until Thursday, so I came back to Sunnydale. I went to the hospital, saw you talking to Ben, and I…I don't know, I just snapped, I guess."

Buffy gaped for a moment in disbelief before she snapped, "So you what, saw me talking to Ben, stormed out of the hospital without saying a word to me, and came home to get completely and totally shitfaced?"

Spike shamefully avoided her angry gaze. "Yes."

Buffy threw up her hands. "God, Spike, this is just… I don't think I've ever been so mad at you."

His shoulders slumped. "I'm so sorry, Buffy. I wish I could take it back."

"Yeah, well, you can't," Buffy snapped.

Her words and tone made him flinch. "Sweetheart, I'm so sorry. I don't really think any of what I said…I didn't mean any of it."

"I know, I just…" Buffy turned her head away from him, her hands gripping the edge of the counter again. "I can't talk about this right now, Spike. I'm still really hurt, and I can't… Later."

Spike nodded. "I'm supposed to be in the studio today anyway, so I'll just leave and give you some time alone."

"That would be good."

Resigned, Spike left the kitchen.

*** *** ***


Spike sat in his car, the key in the ignition but the engine off. He smacked the door hard with his fist, tears in his eyes no matter how hard he tried to fight them.

He couldn't remember a time when he'd been angrier with himself, even with all the stupid things he'd done in his life. He'd hurt Buffy… She hadn't done anything, and he'd treated her like that…

Even with as drunk as he'd been the night before, Spike could remember what had happened when Buffy came home clearly enough. He remembered her telling him what had really happened with Ben, how she'd made it clear to the other man that nothing would ever develop between them because she was already involved. She'd told Ben her boyfriend was sweet and wonderful.

But maybe she'd been wrong…

Spike wasn't convinced she hadn't been. He certainly didn't feel sweet or wonderful. He felt like a right royal bastard.

And to top it all off, he was terrified. Buffy had looked so hurt this morning, and he knew she had to feel betrayed. What if she couldn't get over what he'd done? What if he'd just ruined everything with one act of stupidity? He certainly wouldn't blame Buffy right now if she left him. How many women would really want to be with a drunk who hurled accusations at them as if they were nothing better than a common harlot?

His body shook with barely contained anger and hurt. He couldn't lose Buffy. He couldn't. She was his whole world, and the thought of living without the light she'd brought into his life made his chest so tight he struggled to breathe.

Spike wanted to fix it—but how could he? Buffy was right. He couldn't take it back. The damage had been done.

"Bugger," Spike growled, his fist coming down on the side of the steering wheel this time. The curse did little to sum up what he felt at the moment, but he wasn't sure there was a word strong enough anyway. For all he knew, his life could be already ruined. He could come home tonight to find Buffy gone, out of his life. And then what would he do? How would he go on?

He wanted to run back into the apartment, to fall on his knees in front of her and beg her forgiveness, but Buffy had told him she didn't want to talk to him then, and Spike knew he had to respect that. If he didn't it could very possibly get worse.

If there was a worse…

Spike shook his head, trying to get a handle on himself. He needed to try to focus on his work. His band mates were counting on him, and he needed to get in the studio and get the album made. Buffy didn't want him home now anyway, and maybe when he came back that evening, she wouldn't want to walk out on him and would be ready to talk to him instead. She hadn't told him it was over, hadn't thrown him out or said she was leaving. Maybe she did just need a little time to deal with what had happened between them.

He hoped that was the case. If she would just let him try to make it up to her, to show her he didn't really think badly of her at all… All he needed was a second chance, time to make things right again. He could take away the pain he'd caused and show Buffy how much he really did love her.

As he started his car and drove out of the parking lot, Spike prayed he'd come home to that chance.

*** *** ***


Please take a moment to review!
Chapter Forty by Addie Logan
After Spike left the apartment, Buffy fixed herself a cup of coffee and brought it in to the dining area, sitting down at the table with sunlight trickling in on her through the Venetian blinds.

She'd expected to start crying again when she'd left the kitchen, but instead she sat in the chair, staring forward as she sipped her coffee and feeling numb.

The past week had been too much for her. It was emotional overload, and all she wanted to do now was find somewhere to hide from the world until it could all go away.

She didn't know what to do about her mother, and she didn't know what to do about Spike. From the looks of things, her mother was now on the road to recovery, which meant all the promises of "later" they'd made to each other were rapidly turning into those of "soon." Buffy felt guilty the moment the thought crossed her mind, but in some ways it had been easier when things had been direr with her mother. She hadn't had to think then—just feel. But now Joyce was going to get better, and they'd have to face their problems and try to work through them. Yet could they? After coming so close to losing her mother, Buffy knew she didn't want to write Joyce out of her life completely, but what sort of relationship could they have? Would it always been tinged by heartache and mistrust, or would they be able to come to build something new.

Buffy let out a long sigh, her hand tightening around the ceramic handle of her coffee mug. She wasn't ready to think about that yet. It was too much now when she was just starting to process that her mother had made it through the surgery alive and her prognosis was good. She could contemplate repercussions later. "Soon" had yet to fully become "now."

Yet pushing away those thoughts brought the other bit of current unpleasantness to her mind—Spike and his less than appealing behavior the night before. It hadn't been the first time she'd seen him drunk, nor was it the first time they'd had an argument with him under the influence. But it was the first time it had hit her so hard. Even with his jealous tendencies, Spike had never once accused Buffy of actually sleeping around on him before. His bouts of jealousy always seemed to be directed towards the other men, and while at times his behavior could get embarrassing enough to piss her off, he'd never directly accused her of being less than faithful.

Buffy knew it had been primarily the alcohol talking, but she couldn't bring herself to place all the blame there. For it to even enter his mind—sober or no—he had to have been thinking about it at some point. Did Spike really think she'd so quickly jump into bed with another man whom she barely even knew? And if he did, then did that mean she'd underestimated the level of his jealousy in the past? Had Spike always thought her capable of so callously betraying what they had together?

Her hands trembled as she brought her mug back up to her lips, and Buffy decided she wasn't going to allow herself to think that was true. Spike had to have more trust in her than that, didn't he? She could trust him with all his screaming, panty-throwing groupies, after all. The women did bother her—she could admit that, at least to herself—but it had never been because she really thought Spike would hop into bed with them. She just wanted the skanks to back the hell away from her man. Simple as that. It made her inner Cave Buffy less than happy to see some other woman trying to make Spike hers, but not because she didn't think Spike loved her enough to control himself.

Buffy tensed, her mug almost falling from her hands. Was that what Spike's problem was? Had she not made it clear to him how much she loved him? Her insides twisted as that fear crept over her. She knew she wasn't really good at expressing herself, not the way Spike was. He always knew just how to make her feel loved, and she'd feared she'd never be able to do the same for him. Was that what his problem was now? Had she been so wrapped up in her own problems she hadn't taken the time to let Spike know he was loved?

They hadn't made love in close to a week now, and Buffy knew Spike well enough to know how important physical contact was to him. He needed both a physical and emotional connection, the two too intertwined for him to separate them. Plus, without the release their frequent lovemaking usually afforded him, he had to be tense. Buffy knew she sure was…

She made up her mind as to what she needed to do. Buffy didn't want to keep fighting with Spike. It had been one time, and everyone was entitled to a little freak out now and then. Yes, it had hurt, but drawing it out would only hurt more. He was obviously sorry, and Buffy really wanted to forgive him. It was easier to push it out of her mind, not to keep hurting longer than she needed to. The more she thought about it, the more she could rationalize it. She hadn't been giving Spike enough attention, and he was feeling insecure. That was fixable.

And that's what they'd do when he got home—they'd fix things. She'd make sure Spike knew she still wanted him and only him, and everything would be fine.

Buffy set her coffee mug back on the table, determined to make this work.

*** *** ***


Spike sat in a chair in the studio, his head in his hands. Brian had thrown his second fit in a row, and had subsequently stormed out again. It seemed he now thought Spike was the problem in the band, and that he was trying to take over despite the fact he wasn't even an original member.

Quentin Travers, their producer, had been furious to lose yet another day of recording time, and had informed the band that they had one of three options: they could make Brian behave himself, find a new guitar player, or forget about the album.

Rory and Oz were currently out tracking Brian down in hopes of talking some sense into him.

"Spike, can I speak to you in my office for a moment?"

Spike looked up sharply at the sound of Quentin's clipped tone. "Uh, yeah," he replied as he got to his feet and followed the older man into the office. A quick bolt of fear went through him as Quentin shut the door, and Spike knew there was no way whatever this conversation was about was going to be good—not with the week he'd been having.

"Have a seat," Quentin said as he walked behind his desk and gestured to the chair in front of him.

Spike did as he was told, albeit with uncertainty. "Is this about Brian?" Spike asked. "Because…"

"No, it isn't about Brian," Travers said, cutting Spike off before informing him bluntly, "It's about your current relationship."

Spike blinked. "My what? What about it?"

Travers clasped his hands in front of him and cleared his throat. "It has come to the attention of the label that you're currently involved with your step-sister."

"Buffy's not my step-sister," Spike said quickly, the response automatic.

Quentin frowned. "So her mother is not married to your father?"

Spike had didn't like the sinking feeling he was getting in his stomach. "Yeah, that's true, but she's not my step-sister."

"Do I need to show you the dictionary definition of the term 'step-sister?'" Travers asked, his eyebrow arching.

"No, you don't," Spike snapped, his control on his anger barely there. "Buffy and I are both adults, and have been for the duration of my father's marriage. We were not raised as siblings and have never viewed each other as such. There's nothing wrong with our relationship."

"I'm afraid some people might not see it that way."

"Sod 'some people' then," Spike thought, though his response to Quentin was, "Are you telling me to leave Buffy?"

Travers leaned back in his chair, his hands still clasped. "No, I'm not telling you to do anything except think about what this could do to your career, especially now that you're just starting out. If your album is as successful as we here at Watcher Records are counting on, then your life is about to become a very different one, Spike—one in which the media is watching your every move. Your involvement with someone who is technically your step-sister is something that could very easily cause a PR backlash you may not want to deal with."

Spike frowned. He hadn't thought of that, although now that he had, he didn't really care. Buffy was the most important thing in his life, simple as that. Spike stood, bracing his hands against the desk. "If that happens, I'll deal with it. I love Buffy, and if it came down to her or my career as a musician, she'd win, no fight."

Quentin blinked. He'd forgotten how foolish lovesick young men could be. "It was merely meant as a friendly warning, Spike. Think about your priorities. Women come and go—the opportunity I'm offering you comes once in a lifetime."

"Not women like Buffy," Spike insisted, shaking his head.

Quentin opened his mouth to respond, but stopped when he heard voices from outside the office. "Well, it seems your wayward guitar player has been returned. No need to waste anymore of my valuable time." He stood, walking towards the door but stopping when he reached Spike. "I know right now you probably want to rip my head off, but when you cool down, think about what I've said. We're trying to make you a household name here, and I don't think you realize how that's going to change your life. Very little will be private anymore. Do you really want to give the vultures a reason to descend?"

Before Spike could formulate an answer, Quentin had left the office. Spike frowned, the sickening feeling in the pit of his stomach growing.

*** *** ***


Spike did think about what Quentin had said, though he wasn't sure his thoughts were quite what the producer had been going for. He wasn't worried about his career. He'd make it or he wouldn't, and he wasn't going to sacrifice his relationship with Buffy in order to influence the outcome.

What he was worried about was her. He hadn't really thought about the effect his possible fame would have on their lives, but now Travers had him thinking about just that—and how Buffy would be able to handle it. If their relationship did become tabloid fodder, would it be too much for Buffy? Would she want to live that sort of life? And what if the media did jump all over the idea of her being his step-sister and paint their relationship as something sordid? Would Buffy be able to handle her name being dragged through the mud?

It was one more straw piling on top of an increasingly overburdened camel's back, and Spike didn't know how to handle it. He already had more than enough stress, and yet it seemed as if everywhere he turned, he found more.

He should go home to Buffy, talk to her, see what her feelings were about the whole thing. But the fight they'd had earlier was still fresh in his mind, and he wasn't sure what he'd be coming home to. If Buffy was still angry—which Spike was almost certain she would be—then adding this to it could be just what it would take to drive her away.

Spike couldn't go home then. He was too much on edge and too afraid of what he'd find when he got there. He needed some time to clear his head, to relax, distress.

He needed a drink…

Spike turned his car away from the apartment and towards the nearest bar.

*** *** ***


It was after midnight before Buffy gave up waiting. Dinner was cold, she was tired—anything she'd had planned was ruined now anyway.

Refusing to let herself cry, Buffy got up and went to bed alone.

*** *** ***


Yes, this is moving into some serious angst territory here, but I hope you'll be willing to stick it out with me.

Please take a moment to review!
Chapter Forty-One by Addie Logan
Author's Notes:
First off, I'd like to say thank you to those of you who have been supportive of this story and of me. I know it's been a bit of an emotional roller coaster, and believe me when I say some of it has been as hard to write as I know it's been for you to read. However, it's the kind of story I wanted to tell, as I sometimes enjoy stories where it takes a little while to finally get to that light at the end of the tunnel, and I know other readers do, too. I've written this story for them, and I'm glad to hear that so many people are enjoying it despite its heavier themes.



However, for those of you who are not, I want to say I am well aware that this story is angsty. As I've already stated, I don't need anyone to tell me this or complain about it since I've given plenty of warnings. This story is marked "angst" for genre. I've made numerous author's notes giving a heads up about the angst. However, forty chapters in, people still seem to find this surprising and feel the need to complain. So, I'm going to say this one more time: THIS STORY CONTAINS A LOT OF ANGST.




If you don't like angst or you feel it's too much in this story, then do us both a favor and go read something else. I'm asking you to please respect me and my wishes and not leave me negative feedback concerning the angst. I'm not saying this because I only want everyone to heap praise on me or because I can't take "constructive criticism," but because I don't find this to be very constructive at all, and all it does is irritate me. "Yuk" is not constructive. Telling me the angst is too much after I've already warned about it a gazillion times and asked that if you don't want to read that much, just please, quietly go read something else, is not constructive. And yes, it may be your right to say what you want, but I'm asking you not to, and I think it's better for you to be polite and respect my wishes than to exercise your "rights" in such an arbitrary fashion.



Furthermore, if you do choose to leave a negative review, I reserve my right to respond. If I disagree with you, I'll say so. I'm the one who has put hours of my life into working on this story, and frankly, I believe that gives me more of a right to defend it than it gives anyone else a right to criticize it. It surprises me how many people seem to think that an author should be silent in the face of negative reviews. I pour myself into this story and because of that, I do feel the need to defend both myself and my story. If you're not a writer, you may not be able to understand that, but it's the way it is. So if you feel the need to fire off a negative review—to me or any other author—please stop and consider for a moment that there's another human being getting this review and think about how you criticizing something they've worked hard on without asking you for anything in return will make that person feel.




So to sum up this rather long author's note (sorry for the length, but I had a lot of things I felt I needed to say after the responses to the last chapter), this story is angsty and will continue to be so. If you can't take that, then I won't fault you at all for leaving. I know it's not a story that's for everyone, and I'm okay with that. I'd rather you quietly stop reading than complain about something I'm not going to change. If you're sitting on the fence about it and would like to know just how dark the fic will get, feel free to email me, and I'll give you any spoilers you ask for. I don't want to answer any questions about upcoming plot points on a public forum for those who don't want to know, but if you do want to know, email me from my author profile, and I'll be happy to tell you.



Again, I do thank those of you who have been giving me support (and the benefit of the doubt), and I hope that once we reach the end, you'll feel that the journey was worth it.


Buffy woke up alone, and from the cool spot on the mattress beside her, she assumed she'd been that way the entire night. She was torn between anger and worry, and she got up from the bed in order to figure out which one of those emotions she needed to give into.

She'd gotten as far as the living room before she made her decision. Apparently Spike had made it home, only he hadn't gotten any further than the couch. He was passed out, still fully clothed—boots and all—and Buffy remembered when she'd first known him and he'd been nothing more than her unwanted houseguest.

After they'd become a couple, Buffy had been able to rationalize his earlier behavior, especially as it became less commonplace. Spike still drank, but it wasn't every night and the nights when he would go overboard became less and less frequent as their relationship progressed. She'd been able to pass it off as how he'd dealt with the way his life had been before her, but that having her in his life now had lessened his need to go out and get completely plastered.

Apparently, she'd been wrong.

This was twice in a row now, and the fact he'd done this after the fight they'd had made it all the worse for her. His way to handle her being upset with him for getting drunk and yelling at her was to go out and get drunk again?

Buffy leaned against the wall, watching him and being at a loss for what to do. Yesterday, she'd thought it could be an easy fix. She thought she could just comfort him, assure him of her love, and everything would go back to normal. But what could she do if he wouldn't let her do that?

A sob lodged in her throat, but Buffy wouldn't let it escape. She felt like all she'd done over the past week was cry, and she was sick of it.

She needed fresh air. If she could just breathe a little, find time to collect her thoughts, then maybe she could handle things better. Buffy went back down the hall and got dressed before leaving the apartment.

*** *** ***


Spike woke up with a splitting headache and no sign of Buffy anywhere. He started to go out and look for her, but stopped short when he saw what time it was. With a muttered curse, he realized he was going to be late getting into the studio if he didn't leave right then. He wanted to keep searching for Buffy—she couldn't have gotten far without having a car—but with the way things had been going for the band, he knew he needed to get in and get to work.

Ignoring both his pounding head and the uneasy feeling in the pit of his stomach, Spike grabbed his keys and his wallet and left.

*** *** ***


Buffy had gone to a café near their apartment for breakfast, hoping the fresh air she could get sitting out on the patio would do her some good. Maybe it did, but it was marginally enough that she didn't really notice.

She went back to the apartment still feeling depressed, and she wasn't sure if it helped or not to find Spike gone. On the one hand, they needed to talk, but on the other, she didn't think she was ready. All she could do was hope the next time she saw him, he was sober.

With a sigh, she flopped down on the couch and picked up the remote, flipping through the channels before she finally settled on something distractingly mindless.

She'd been sitting on the couch, staring at the television for a while, when the phone rang. Buffy considered not answering it for a moment, but decided it could be something important and she probably should. With a soft sigh, she reached over to the table beside the couch and picked up the cordless phone.

"Hello?"

"Buffy? It's your mother."

Hearing Joyce's voice on the other end of the line shocked Buffy for a moment, and it wasn't until her mother said her name again that Buffy replied. "Hey, Mom. Is everything okay?"

"Yes, it's fine. I went in this morning to see the doctors and discuss the treatments with them, and they're being very optimistic about everything."

"Good, I'm glad to hear it," Buffy said with genuine relief. Quickly, however, her confusion returned. "So why are you calling?"

"Because you need to ask that," Joyce replied, her voice tinted with sadness. "Buffy, I know I'm the one to blame for a lot of the strain in our relationship, and coming so close to death, well, it made me realize how much I miss having my daughter in my life. I… I'll completely understand if you say no to this, but I wanted to ask. Would you be willing to come back to Sunnydale this weekend, spend some time with me when I'm not in a hospital bed? I mean, I won't be able to run a marathon or anything, but I thought maybe we could talk a little? Catch up?"

Conflicting emotions rolled around inside of her as Buffy tried to decide on her answer. She loved her mother, and she wanted a relationship with her again, but she wasn't sure it was possible. Then again, how would she ever know if she didn't give it a try? If she went to Sunnydale and Joyce was serious about trying to mend things between them, then maybe this could start them on the right path. And if things were the same as they were before, well, Buffy could turn right back around and go home. Getting to Los Angeles from Sunnydale wasn't particularly difficult, and it wouldn't be like she was trapped there.

"Yeah, I can do that," Buffy replied. "I don't really have anything going on here today, so I could really go ahead and come if you wanted. I'll take the bus, so Giles doesn't have to leave you and Dawn alone."

Joyce's voice perked up when she replied, though Buffy could still hear how tired she was. "Buffy, thank you. It means so much to me that you're willing to do this."

"I know. I'll call you back after I figure out the bus schedule, all right?"

"All right. I'll have Rupert pick you up at the bus station."

"Okay. Talk to you in a little bit then, Mom. Bye."

"Bye, Buffy."

Buffy turned off the phone when she heard the dial tone. The mood in the apartment was so tense even with Spike gone, that maybe this could be good. She could take a few days to get away, reconnect with her mother, and get a breather.

She just hoped she wasn't making a mistake by opening herself up to Joyce again.

*** *** ***


When the band stopped for a break, Spike went outside, needing to escape the claustrophobic feeling he was getting inside the studio. He sat on a set of concrete steps, his hands hanging between his knees.

He hadn't been out there long before he noticed Oz sit down beside him, and Spike figured the bassist must have followed him out. "I know you're not much of one for small talk, Osborne, and I've never liked beating around the bush, so if you've got something to say to me, go ahead and say it," Spike said, not turning to look at his bandmate.

"Whatever your problem with Buffy is, you need to talk to her."

Spike blinked, the topic not the one he'd expected at all, and now he did turn his head towards Oz. "What?"

"I doubt this is a concept you're too familiar with, Spike, but when you spend most of the time with your mouth shut, you get good at reading people. You're stressed, and it's more than Brian or the other album stuff. It's girl problem stress. And since the only girl you notice is alive these days is Buffy, then it's obvious your girl problem is in fact a Buffy problem," Oz replied.

"Might be," Spike said, only willing to concede that much. Oz's eyebrow arched, and Spike sighed, giving in. "Fine, it is. I've acted like a bloody wanker, and really, I don't think just talking to her is going to do much good."

"Have you tried it?"

"No," Spike admitted.

"Then it's a start. Trust me on this one. Talk to Buffy, tell her what's going on in your life, let her know where your head's at."

"I can't lay all my shite on her right now," Spike replied. "She's got her own problems dealing with her sick mum."

"A working relationship isn't all about one person's problems. Whatever one of you is going through, it becomes a collective burden whether you want it to or not, and you can either face that and work through it together or you can try to ignore it and let it fester. Either way, both your problems and hers are going to between the both of you."

"For a man of few words, you sure can be philosophical when you do open your mouth," Spike said.

"It's all about the observation." Oz clapped Spike on the shoulder, then got to his feet. "Talk to her, man. Really—before things get out of hand."

Spike nodded, and Oz left him alone to think.

*** *** ***


"Buffy? Pet?" Spike called when he walked into the apartment that evening, frowning as he noticed all the lights were off. Surely she'd come home at some point since that morning, hadn't she?

Then, he realized he hadn't actually seen her since their short, yet unpleasant, conversation in the kitchen the morning before. What if she'd left him? What if Buffy had already been gone for almost two days and he hadn't even noticed?

God, how bad of a boyfriend was he?

Spike flipped on the light in the living room, both relief and dread hitting him when he saw a piece of paper with his name written on it in Buffy's handwriting taped to the television. Relief at knowing she hadn't disappeared without a word and dread at the fact that she was gone and had left him a note.

His hands trembled as he peeled the tape up and unfolded the paper. Was she telling him good-bye? Surely after all they'd been through together, she'd at least dump him in person. Unless maybe she was really that upset with him… Did Buffy hate him now after how he'd treated her when she got back from Sunnydale?

He took a deep breath and started reading the note, feeling a wave of relief tampering down his worry.

Spike—

Stop panicking. I'm not leaving you. I know you're probably all hyperventilating right now, but calm down, I'm not going to break up with you.


She knew him well, his Buffy. Spike continued reading.

My mother called this afternoon and asked me to spend the weekend with her, and I thought it was something I should do, given the circumstances. And I know it's sort of a chickeny thing for me to do, leave and not tell you in person, but I needed a little breather. You hurt me a lot when you yelled at me the other night, and, well, waking up this morning and seeing you'd been out drinking when I'd been waiting up for you didn't help matters much either.

Spike stopped for a moment, his eyes closing as his jaw grew tight, his anger directed not at Buffy for leaving like this, but at himself. She'd been waiting up for him last night. Bloody hell, he was a tosser. He opened his eyes, took a deep breath, and turned his attention back to the note.

I'll be back next week, and we can talk. And don't start panicking again, that's not the "we need to talk" that's code for dumping you. We need to talk so we can make this work. Something's obviously going on here, and I'm not sure what it is. I don't know if you know either, but maybe together we can figure it out. I'm going to take this weekend to reconnect with my mom, but also to give myself a little space to try to sort some things out in my mind. Hopefully when I come back, we can work everything out and go back to the way we used to be. I miss that, Spike.

Love,
Buffy

P.S.—I'm really, really not dumping you, so don't spend the next couple days in a tizzy, okay? I love you.


Her little post-script made him smile even as it brought tears to his eyes. She was worrying about him even after he was the one who had hurt her and made her feel like she needed space from him to think. He'd been a right monster to her these past couple of days, and the thought of it made him feel horrible.

Spike knew what he shouldn't do, and he knew what he should. He shouldn't give any thought to the bottle of whiskey he knew was in the cabinet and he should go on to bed, try to get some of the rest he probably needed.

Yet as soon as he had started trying to make himself head off to bed, he switched to rationalizing. Buffy was already gone—at least for the weekend. What difference would it make if he drank just a little, a nip to help him sleep? As much as his emotions were in turmoil right then anyway, it wasn't like he'd be able to get any rest on his own. He needed a drink.

Spike let his feet carry him in to the bottle.

*** *** ***


Please take a moment to review.
Chapter Forty-Two by Addie Logan
By Sunday evening, Buffy felt she could let out the metaphorical breath she'd been holding for most of the weekend. Things with her mother had gone surprisingly well. Granted, Buffy knew she still had a ways to go before she could completely trust Joyce again, but their relationship was on the mend, and Buffy was grateful for it. She already had one parent she wasn't speaking to, and she really didn't want that to permanently become two.

She was half-tempted now to stay in Sunnydale a little longer so she wouldn't have to face Spike just yet, and Buffy didn't miss the irony there when the situation was compared to that of last Christmas. Still, despite how nervous it made her to think about having a serious relationship discussion with Spike, she knew she needed to stop putting it off. She wasn't clueless enough to think running off with only a note to tell Spike where she'd been—and then keeping her cell phone off all weekend—had been a very mature move. It hadn't been. Spike was probably upset about it, and she wouldn't blame him at all if he was. She'd be upset, if the situation were reversed.

Yet she'd had her reasons. Buffy had been so hurt by his behavior over the past couple of days she'd been worried about how she'd react if she tried to talk to him about it with everything fresh. She didn't really want to fight with him. They'd had enough screaming matches in their relationship for Buffy to know they never actually accomplished anything. What she'd wanted to do instead was retreat for a bit, lick her wounds, and then face Spike when she could have something other than a purely emotional reaction.

Buffy needed to go back now. She knew it, even as much as she dreaded it—and hated that she dreaded it, too. All she could do now was hope for her worries to turn out to be for nothing. Maybe Spike was just having a bad couple of days, and he'd already be back to his normal self by the time she got home. She was probably just worrying too much when she thought his drinking might be getting out of hand, and it wouldn't continue to cause problems for them.

She'd go home tomorrow, they'd talk, and everything would be fine, Buffy decided with grim determination. She loved Spike too much for it to go any other way.

*** *** ***


It was late in the day Monday when Buffy got home, and Spike was already back from the studio. He was sitting quietly in the living room, the room lit only by the side table lamp, waiting for her. Buffy wondered how long he'd been there.

Spike stood when she came into the room, their eyes locking. Buffy watched him for a moment, the look on his face making her lip tremble until she dropped her bags and held her arms out to him. He wasted no time moving into them, and Spike held her tightly, each one silently clinging to the other for long moments.

Buffy wished this could be it. She wanted to forget everything now, to just be with Spike, but she knew in the long run, that would make things worse. Finally, she pulled away and wiped her eyes. "We need to talk."

A lump formed in Spike's throat at the sound of four words that could strike fear into the heart of anyone in love. "You're…you're still not dumping me, right?" he asked, his voice sounding pathetic to his own ears.

"I'm not dumping you, Spike," Buffy confirmed. "Let's sit down, okay?"

Spike nodded and walked with her back to the couch. They couldn't seem to look at each other as they sat down, and Spike hated the physical distance between them. He was so used to the way she'd automatically curl up against his side.

Buffy took a deep breath, fighting to be strong and do what needed to be done. She looked up and met his eyes. "I'm going to say something here, and I don't want you to freak out on me, all right? It's just something I need to make very clear."

"Yeah, all right," Spike agreed, dread taking residence once again in the pit of his stomach.

"I've lived with an alcoholic before, Spike—for most of my life, as a matter of fact. It's not something I'm going to do again."

Spike's eyes widened. "Buffy, I'm not… I swear to you, I'm not going to make you go through something like that. I know I drank too much last week, and I'm sorry. I was just stressed, and I let it get the better of me, but Buffy, I'm not an alcoholic. You mean more to me than drinking, luv. I'd never hurt you like that, I promise."

"Keep that promise, okay, Spike?" Buffy asked softly.

"I will," Spike replied, his tone strong with determination. "I will."

A few silent moments passed between them, and when the tension became too much for him, Spike asked, "Can we be okay now, Buffy? Please? I'm so sorry, sweetheart…"

"Yeah, we can be okay," Buffy said, taking his hand in hers. She watched Spike's face as relief washed over it.

"I love you," he said.

"I love you, too."

*** *** ***


They ordered Chinese food for dinner, but ate with an awkward silence between them. The silence followed them into the living room afterwards, and they turned on the television to fill it. Air filled the empty space between them, their bodies taking up opposite sides of the couch.

Buffy was confused. She and Spike had made up—hadn't they? Shouldn't everything simply go back to normal now? She'd forgiven him for what had happened on Wednesday and Thursday, and he didn't seem to be angry with her for taking off Friday—or if he was, he hadn't told her so. They'd talked about what happened, and Spike had promised he wouldn't let his drinking keep getting out of hand.

So why didn't things feel any better? Why was she up against the arm of the couch instead of snuggled against Spike? And why did things still hurt after the apologies had been made? Tired from travel and the continued strain on her emotions, Buffy stood and announced she was going to bed. Spike looked up and told her goodnight, but he didn't move to kiss her, and Buffy didn't feel much of a pull to fix it.

Buffy left the living room and got ready for bed quickly before slipping in under the sheets. She could admit to herself that Spike not joining her in the bed hurt, but at the same time, Buffy was slightly grateful. She didn't particularly feel in the mood to be intimate with Spike right then anyway.

That particular realization made her worry a little more. They'd never had a fight like this before. Usually, it would be a quick explosion, all raised tempers and raised voices on both sides. Then, there'd always be make-up sex, the last bits of their anger changing into heated passion.

Things hadn't been like that at all this time, and Buffy didn't understand why it was so different. This wasn't even necessarily a new fight. They'd fought over both Spike's jealousy and his drinking before. Why weren't the problems going away this time as easily as they usually did?

It was quite a while before Spike made his way into the bedroom, but Buffy hadn't yet fallen asleep. He didn't say anything to her, and Buffy was acutely aware of how he stayed on his side of the bed, the physical distance that had been between them on the couch there in the bed as well.

Buffy had told Spike that evening when she'd first gotten home they could "be okay now," but she was quickly realizing they were anything but okay. She lay on her side, facing the wall, the space between their bodies almost like a physical presence, as she tried to figure out why exactly it wasn't. She couldn't come up with an answer.

Finally, she stopped trying and let her exhaustion pull her into sleep.

*** *** ***


Buffy woke with Spike's alarm. She listened to the sounds of him getting ready to leave, yet she stayed curled up under the covers, not feeling in any sort of mood to be getting out of bed.

Spike shuffled around the bedroom, getting dressed, but said nothing until he was finished. He came over and sat on the edge bed then, the closest he'd been to Buffy since earlier the previous evening. "Kitten?"

Buffy opened her eyes and looked at him, responding with a sleepy, "Hmm?"

"I'm going into the studio. I'll be back tonight—you'll be home won't you?"

"Yeah. Where else would I be?"

"For all I know, you could be back in Sunnydale by then," Spike replied, his tone harsher than he'd really intended it to be.

Buffy bristled. So he was upset about that… "Spike, I just needed…"

"I know," Spike said, cutting her off. "I don't want to fight with you about it, Buffy."

"Then why did you even bring it up?" Buffy asked as she sat forward. "We made up last night…"

"Yeah, we did," Spike replied, his tone clipped. "That's why we were sleeping on opposite sides of the sodding bed."

"So you were what, keeping your distance from me because you were mad at me for leaving and didn't want to say anything?"

"No."

"Then what?"

Spike rose to his feet. "I don't know, okay? All I know is we said the words last night and called the fight over, but it sure as hell didn't feel like it. And I know I didn't treat you right the other night, and that I shouldn't have stayed out all night the next, but bloody hell, Buffy, you just took off for the weekend and left me a fucking note! I tried to call you, but you either had your cell phone off or you weren't returning my messages."

"You could've called the house," Buffy protested. "It's not like you didn't know where I was."

"Would you have talked to me then? Answer me honestly." Buffy looked down, avoiding his gaze, and it was all the response Spike needed. "That's what I thought," he said as he turned and started out of the room.

Buffy jumped up, stopping him with her hand around his arm. "Spike, why are you doing this? You said last night you wanted everything to be okay."

"Wanting something doesn't automatically make it happen," Spike replied, shaking her hand off. "I thought about things last night, after you went to bed. It was right obvious that nothing had been resolved between us, and I realized something. Every time we have a fight, I'm the one who has to take all the blame. I'm always the one who has to be sorry—never you."

Buffy's jaw dropped. "What? Where is this coming from? That's not even true! Besides, you were the one who messed up here, Spike—not me."

"No? I'll admit that yeah, it pretty much started out that way. I know I hurt you when you got back and the next night, too, but you're way of handling it—runnin' off like that—not the best way to deal with things."

"I wasn't running off! I went to see my mother!"

Spike shook his head. "Don't lie to me—not about this. Sure you wanted to see your mum. I get that. But you took the opportunity to run off and get away from me for a bit. You know you did."

Buffy's back stiffened. "Fine. I wanted some time to think. But there's nothing wrong with that!"

"There is in the way you did it!" Spike yelled. "You could've at least had the decency to tell me in person—or hell, a phone call. Do you have any idea how it felt to come home to nothing but a sodding note? And you knew what seeing it would do to me, too, or you wouldn't have had to assure me you weren't leaving me in the damn thing." Spike paused for a moment, shaking his head before he started again. "You ran off for the whole bloody weekend, kept your phone off so you wouldn't even have to talk to me, and you don't even care what that did to me. I hurt you, too, I know, but at least I felt bad about it."

"What?! Of course I feel bad for hurting you, Spike! God, how can you even accuse me of anything else?"

"Because that's how it always is! It's always about you, Buffy, it's never…" Spike stopped, shaking his head. "I have to go."

"Spike…wait, don't go," Buffy pleaded.

"I need to. I'm already running late."

He turned and left the room before she could stop him again, and Buffy shook with the slamming of the front door.

She sat down on the edge of the bed feeling even more confused than she had the night before.

*** *** ***


I'm going to ask that all reviews pertain to the subject matter of the fic and nothing else. Please. I appreciate the support I got, and I'm grateful for so many wonderful readers, but let's just put all of that mess from Tuesday and Wednesday behind us now and stick with the story. I'm really not sure I can take another round of that drama.
Chapter Forty-Three by Addie Logan
Spike sat outside in his car, his body shaking with a rage he wasn't able to completely understand. He hadn't wanted to get upset with Buffy. Sure, he'd been less than thrilled with her decision to run off and abandon him—and their recent troubles—all weekend, but he'd made up his mind not to be angry with her when she returned. After all, it had been his behavior which had sent her off in the first place.

Then, she'd come home. The fact that she'd left him with nothing but a note and then refused to answer her cell phone had bothered him, and even though he'd tried to get over it for the sake of mending their relationship, as the night had progressed and things had remained strained, his anger had risen. He'd sat up thinking about it for a long time after she'd gone to bed, and he'd finally been able to pinpoint where it was coming from—there'd been no apology from her.

Granted, he'd been a wanker, he knew, but her response to it was, well, really shitty, if you asked him. And Spike knew somewhere she knew that, too, but in her typical, stubborn way, she wouldn't admit it. She did whatever she wanted, regardless of what it did to him. Whenever they had any sort of fight, it was always about what he did wrong and didn't end until he apologized. There was never any give and take with her, never any admission something she had done may have been a problem, too. He was bloody sick of it.

He hadn't been going to argue, though. He was going to push it back and try to get over his hurt and anger the way he'd done so many other times with her. Yet then she'd acted as if him asking if she'd actually be home when he got back was a shock—as if she hadn't given him cause to wonder only days earlier—and something inside of him had snapped.

Spike tried hard to support Buffy, to make things easier for her, but he felt like he never got any of it back. He knew now he was being a little unfair since she was preoccupied with her mother and he hadn't exactly sat her down and told her all the crap that was going on in the studio, but she hadn't asked about it either. A couple of times in the beginning she'd asked how his day had gone, but since then, nothing. She didn't ask for any of the details or even a general inquiry into how the album was going.

Spike gripped the wheel tightly and tried to calm himself by taking deep breaths. He needed to get in the studio, work on finishing the album, and not think about Buffy for a little bit. Maybe they both only needed time to cool down, and then everything would sort itself out, let them go back to normal. Even with the problems between them becoming suddenly very difficult to ignore, he didn't want to end things with her. He never wanted to end things with her. He loved her too much to even consider leaving.

So he did the only thing he could—he held onto the hope that soon, everything would be right again.

*** *** ***


Buffy stayed sitting on the edge of the bed for a long while after Spike left her, numb with shock. What was happening? It hadn't even been a week since they'd been so happy together and now? She felt as if everything was suddenly spiraling out of control.

And what had Spike meant when he'd told her she made it all about her? Buffy certainly didn't think that was true. Besides, if he'd meant this time, well, that was because he was the one in the wrong. He was the one who had had a totally pointless freak out over Ben and then had followed that up by staying out all night to get drunk. So what if she'd needed to get away and think a little after that? And yeah, maybe the note hadn't been the very best way to tell him she was leaving, but she hadn't felt like talking to him, and as far as Buffy was concerned, she was completely justified. She was the wronged party in all of this, and it certainly wasn't fair of him to try to turn it back around on her.

Her numbness was quickly transforming to anger as Buffy gave into her desire for a little internal ranting. Sure, things had been tense the night before, but they'd ended the fight, and Buffy didn't see why Spike had to go and stir it all back up this morning. Now she just felt worse.

Buffy got up, determined to find a distraction to get her through the day.

*** *** ***


They didn't talk when Spike got home. Furthermore, they didn't talk much for the rest of the week. When they went to bed, they continued to sleep on opposite sides—if Spike bothered to come to bed at all. Buffy knew he was drinking. She didn't comment on it.

When the weekend came around, Buffy spent it in Sunnydale again, and Spike found himself surprisingly grateful. The apartment had been overly tense for days, and with Buffy gone, he felt like he could breathe a little better, despite how much he hated thinking that way.

Something had to give. It was becoming increasingly obvious nothing was going to right itself. If anything, it was all growing worse, leaving both of them with a sense of helplessness.

By Wednesday night, Spike had to talk to her. He couldn't take the silence anymore, couldn't keep feeling like he was living with a ghost.

He stood in the doorway of their kitchen, watching Buffy as she rinsed off their plates from dinner and put them in the dishwasher. Looking at her now made him ache as he wished he could somehow magically take it all back, return to a time before everything had suddenly gotten out of control. He knew they'd been happy, and he couldn't figure out for the life of him why they weren't anymore.

They'd barely even touched each other in weeks…

"Buffy," he said when she closed the door to the dishwasher. "There's something important I need to talk to you about."

Buffy turned, trying to push down the panic that rose in her with the thought of how this could be The Talk. Things had been so strained between them, and one of the reasons she'd avoided talking to Spike at all was from the fear that if they did, it would end with him telling her good bye, and she didn't think she could take it. She only wanted them to be happy again…

"Yeah, okay," she said, trying her best to make her voice sound strong. "Let's go into the living room, all right?"

Spike nodded and followed her in to the couch. They sat on opposite sides, and for a long moment, neither of them said anything. Finally, Spike spoke up.

"We're almost done with our part of the album in the studio, and the label wants to send us on tour. Nothing too big—we're not headlining by any means, but they want to get us out on the road for promotion."

Buffy swallowed as she tried to process that news. She supposed she should have assumed Spike would be touring at some point, but she hadn't given it a lot of thought—and she certainly hadn't believed it was going to happen so soon. "How long?"

"They're not sure," Spike replied. "It all depends on how things are going. A couple months, maybe more."

"Oh," was all she could say in response. Even with all the tension between them recently, she didn't like the idea of Spike leaving for months.

"Pet, I know things have been rough between us these past couple of weeks, but well…" Spike stopped and took a deep breath, hoping that just this one thing could go right with Buffy now. "I want you to come with me. You wouldn't be the only girlfriend there—Mona's coming with Rory—and well, maybe it's something we need? A little time away, a change of scenery to try to get things back on track."

Buffy felt something clench in the pit of her stomach. Spike was looking at her with a hopeful expression she hadn't seen from him in so long, and she wanted to be able to simply tell him yes and hope everything would suddenly be better then.

"Spike, I can't."

"Why not?" Spike asked, his hurt from her quick dismissal of his offer apparent in his eyes.

"Because now is so not a good time," Buffy replied. "For one thing, my mother's just starting her radiation treatments, and I think it's better for me to be close by in case something happens. And then what about me going back to school? I want my degree, Spike. It's important to me, for what I want to do with my life. I've already had to miss one semester, and if I go out on the road with you, that means I'll probably miss at least a whole year."

Spike bristled, knowing Buffy was making excuses. She could easily come home if something happened with her mother, and Spike was loathed to point out that a month ago, she wasn't even speaking to Joyce. And school, well, it wasn't like she had a deadline in which she had to finish it. Taking off a whole year wouldn't mean she couldn't get her degree—it would just put her back a little longer. "Buffy, we could find a way to work all of that out," Spike said. "Please, come with me. It's really important to me that you do."

"Why is it so important to you?" Buffy asked.

Why was it so important to him? Spike knew he could go on all night with an answer to that. Buffy was everything—his whole world—and he wanted her there by his side. He wanted her there because he wanted her to experience everything with him. He simplified his answer. "Because I want you."

Buffy gave a sort of bitter half smile and shook her head. "Damn, you men—all the same. You want me to put my entire life on hold and go on tour with you so what—you can make sure you get laid?"

Spike's jaw ticked, her misinterpretation of his response making his anger rise. "Seeing how our sex life has been recently, if that was my concern I'd be making sure I was going without you," Spike snapped, though the look hurt look on her face made him immediately regret the words.

"Is that what you want?" Buffy asked. "Do you want me to tell you to go a free man?"

"No!" Spike said quickly, not needing to think about it at all. "God, no, Buffy. If you stay here, I'll live like a bleedin' monk the whole time I'm gone. I just…" He stopped, letting out a slow breath. "I really want you there, kitten. Please… Can't you at least think about it? It's not like I have to leave tomorrow."

She couldn't really see her answer changing, but Buffy told him, "Yeah, okay. I'll give myself some time to think about it."

"Thank you," Spike said softly before their night settled into another stretch of uneasy silence.

*** *** ***


Buffy did think about Spike's offer the next day, just as she'd told him she would. On the one hand, there was a part of her that thought maybe spending some time together with a new focus could be good for the relationship, but on the other hand, she wasn't optimistic enough to think they'd be able to work anything out while living with the band on some cramped tour bus. Odds were, the tension between them would finally reach its point of explosion.

She was wondering, however, if she could really send Spike off on his own for months and expect him to just accept a lack of sex. It wasn't as if she thought Spike was raring to cheat on her, but that was a lot to ask of anyone, especially someone as physical as Spike. Besides, she had to be honest—the temptation would be very strong, and asking him to remember he had a girlfriend back home when he'd barely been on speaking terms with recently was bordering on cruel.

Yet she didn't want to lose him. Even with as strained as their relationship had been, Buffy knew she loved Spike with every bit of her heart. If she stuck with her decision not to go on tour with him, would it mean she was giving him up? And if it did, then how was she ever going to make it without him?

However, she didn't have much time to ponder that particular question before she was distracted by a knock at the door. She sighed, wishing she didn't have to be bothered right now, but deciding she should answer it anyway.

Her brow wrinkled when she saw who it was, and she opened the door slowly. "Can I help you?" she asked.

"Hello, Miss Summers. I'm not sure if you remember me, but my name is Quentin Travers."

Buffy nodded. "I know who you are. We've met more than once. Spike's not here."

"Oh, I know he isn't here. It's you I'd like to speak with actually." Quentin smiled. "May I come in?"

*** *** ***


I know that was a mean place to leave it, and you're really going to hate me when I tell you I'm going to have to skip the next two updates. I'm going out of town, and won't be able to post again until Thursday, July 27th. I hope you can all sit tight until then!

Please take a moment to review.
Chapter Forty-Four by Addie Logan
Buffy wasn't sure why she currently had Spike's producer sitting in her living room. She wondered if she should offer him a drink—perhaps a cup of tea—but something about the man made her not want to be particularly hospitable.

Quentin Travers shifted on her couch, wincing slightly as he did, as if having to sit on such a piece of furniture was beneath him, then turned his gaze onto Buffy. "I'm going to cut right to the chase, Miss Summers, since this is a matter of some importance."

Buffy's stomach did a flip. Was Spike in trouble? She knew he'd been drinking nights, but he always seemed sober enough when he came home. What if she was wrong, and he'd been getting drunk in the studio, too? Was the rift in their relationship causing problems for his album as well? "What's going on?" Buffy asked.

"I've already discussed this with Spike, but he was rather…headstrong about the matter. I thought perhaps you would be more willing to listen to reason." Travers cleared his throat. "It has come to the attention of the label that you and Spike are, in fact, step-siblings. Now, I know the two of you care a great deal for each other, but I believe you're going to have to think about just how much you want to cope with for the sake of your relationship. Spike is going to become a public figure in a very short amount of time, and when that happens, the media is going to snap up this story like a rabid dog with a bone. Something like this could very well kill his career before it even gets a chance to fully take off."

Quentin's words took Buffy completely by surprise. She'd never even considered their relationship becoming a problem in such a way. "But I'm not really Spike's stepsister," Buffy protested. "Our parents didn't marry until we were already older, and Spike lived in England for the entire time I was still at home."

"I realize that, Miss Summers, but I doubt the tabloids will give such a generous spin to the story. The label would do what it could to protect Spike's image, of course, but we're looking at a PR nightmare. If things get too out of hand, the label may be forced drop the band completely."

Buffy was beginning to feel genuinely ill. She could ruin Spike's career simply by being with him? "I love him," Buffy said softly.

"I'm certain you do, but sometimes to love someone is to do what's best for them," Travers replied. "I'm not telling you you must end things with Spike, but I wanted you to be fully aware of the situation before it began."

Buffy only nodded, unable to respond.

Travers stood. "I'll see myself out then. Good day, Miss Summers."

Buffy jumped at the sound of the door closing. After everything that had been going on for the past couple of weeks, now they had this to add to the mess? Could things really get as bad as Travers had insinuated? Would their relationship be the death of Spike's career?

She had to see him. She'd never liked going to the studio—the fear of distracting him too much kept her away—but Buffy knew it was time to break that personal rule. She'd gone too long already, and now everything was even worse. Travers had told her he'd already spoken to Spike about this, and she needed to know what had happened there.

She needed to see Spike now…

*** *** ***


Buffy took a taxi to the studio, but once she got there, she couldn't seem to bring herself to go inside. What was she going to say to him exactly? Your producer thinks our relationship is completely wrong and will ruin your career—what are your thoughts on the matter?

"Buffy? What are you doing standing out here?"

She looked up sharply at the sound of the familiar voice, then did her best to smile. "Hey, Mona. I was here looking for Spike."

"He's inside, working on a new song," Mona replied. "Apparently he recently wrote one the other guys liked so much they worked it onto the album."

"Oh," Buffy said. "Will he be busy for a while?"

"Depends," Mona answered. "Sometimes they get everything done pretty quickly, and sometimes they struggle to get it just right."

"Do you come up here a lot?" Buffy asked.

"I like listening to Rory play. I just stay out of their way until they go on break." She smiled. "The band sends me on food runs, too."

Buffy chuckled slightly, then sobered. "I always figured I'd be in Spike's way."

"I doubt it," Mona said. "Spike likes having you around, I know. Hey, do you want to listen to them? There's a room set up where we can hear them playing without bugging them. There's a two-way mirror. The big-wigs stand around in there when they come to check up on the band's progress, but it's unoccupied right now."

Buffy thought about it for a moment before she nodded her assent and followed Mona into the studio. She was more than a little curious about this new song Spike had recently written. He hadn't mentioned one—not that they talked about much of anything these days anyway—but given their current situation, she didn't think she was being self-centered to figure it was most likely about them.

They hadn't started playing yet when Mona and Buffy came into the listening room, and Buffy watched the band through the two-way mirror as they got ready to start. She felt a little odd watching Spike like this when he didn't know she was there, but as they settled and she heard the first notes, she stopped caring, focusing instead on Spike and what he was singing.

"Are we done for now,
Or is this for good?
Will there be something in time,
With us there should.
Only girl for me is you.
There can be no other one.
If I didn't have faith,
I would come undone.
So much promise in your eyes,
Seems that I can only see.
It only makes me wonder
If you save it all for me…"

The first verse, and Buffy already felt tears pricking her eyes. She had no doubt now the song was about them, and the first two lines stuck in her mind, making her heart feel heavy. Are we done for now, or is this for good? It didn't really matter when you got right down to it—either way, they were done…

"Maybe you do.
Maybe you don't.
Maybe you should.
Probably won't...
'Cause there will be...

"There will be other guys
Who will whisper in your ear,
Say they'll take away your sadness
And your fear.
They may be kind and true.
They may be good for you.
But they'll never care for you
More than I do."

She began to cry in earnest, and though she tried to turn and hide her reaction from Mona, she knew the other woman wasn't at all fooled. Buffy didn't know why Spike couldn't seem to understand why she didn't want any other men. She knew no one else would ever care for her the way Spike did, and she didn't want to be in a relationship that could only pale in comparison to the one she had now.

"I'll be always there,
There to the end.
I can't do much,
But be your one true friend
To the end
To the end
Our lives to spend
With each other 'till the end
Of time..."

That was what she wanted…forever with Spike. She wanted things to be the way they were only a few weeks before when she'd had no doubt about them being able to last until the end of time. But she wanted Spike as more than her "one true friend." She wanted him as her lover, her partner—her everything. Did Spike not that want that anymore—or did he not think it was possible? She wondered when exactly he'd talked to Quentin Travers, and if Spike was still mulling over leaving her because of it. Or was he just tired of living with her with how things had gotten between them?

"Still see the promise in your eyes,
And still wonder if it's for me.
But I know it's still there,
Even when you sleep.

"So I say,
Goodnight, Sweet Girl."

Buffy let out a small, choked sob at the end of the song, her hand going over her mouth. What did he mean by the last part? How could he wonder it anything she felt was for him, and him alone? Still, the general message of the song seemed to be clear. It wasn't optimistic….

Goodnight, Sweet Girl…

Goodbye…

Are we done for now, or is this for good?

They were done…

"I need to go," Buffy said, turning away from the two-way mirror. "I can't…I can't be here."

"Buffy, what's wrong? What's going on?" Mona asked, coming closer to Buffy. She'd been able to tell something was up with Spike, and everyone had assumed it was somehow related to Buffy, but no one had gotten any details. Mona had thought it might be stress from Buffy's mother being sick, but from the looks of things now, it was something more.

"I don't even know," Buffy said as her face crumpled. "I just need to go home now." She started towards the door, but stopped when she heard Mona call to her.

"How did you get here today? Did you take a cab?"

Buffy turned towards Mona and nodded. "Yeah. I'll call for another one."

"No, sweetie, let me drive you home," Mona said, putting her arm around Buffy. Buffy didn't protest, but instead let Mona lead her out of the studio and drive her back to the apartment.

Buffy was silent the whole way, even as they walked to the door. Mona followed her in anyway, and Buffy didn't protest, just went in and sat on the couch, a distant look in her eyes. It was obvious she wasn't up for company, but at the same time, Mona couldn't bring herself to leave the girl alone—not when she was like this. Instead, she went into the kitchen and fixed a pot of tea, then brought Buffy a cup.

"Here, this will help soothe you a bit," Mona told Buffy as she handed her a mug of tea, then took a seat near Buffy on the couch.

"Thank you," Buffy replied softly, then slowly sipped the dark liquid, careful not to burn herself.

Mona's heart definitely went out to Buffy. Nothing hurt more than a rift between you and someone you genuinely loved… "You know," Mona said after a few moments, "Sometimes when Rory and I hit a rough patch, he writes songs about it—but they're not always a clear window into what he's thinking. He pours all the negative emotions out without really thinking about it, just so he can get them out. It doesn't necessarily mean he feels exactly like what he's writing. It doesn't make it the whole truth."

Buffy nodded, her hands tight around the mug. She understood what Mona was saying, but she didn't believe it was the case in this instance—not with how bad things had gotten with Spike recently. It had felt like things were really over, even if she hadn't been willing to admit it.

"Spike really loves you, Buffy. Whatever's going on with the two of you right now, that hasn't changed."

"I love him, too," Buffy said softly, though in her mind she added, "But sometimes love isn't enough…"

Mona cleared her throat. "Buffy, I've been with Rory since, well, since we were kids, really. A long freaking time… And there were some points when it was all I could do to keep from killing the man, never mind staying in the relationship. But I did—and you know why? Because I love him. And real love, it's not a pretty thing. It's not like in a fairytale where a kiss can make all the problems go away. It's work, Buffy—hard work. But it's worth working for. If you find someone who can make you feel even a fraction of what you and Spike obviously feel for each other, then you've gotta do the work. No good can come from letting it go, even if it seems like it might be easier at the time."

Buffy's only response was another soft nod, though she knew what good could come from her leaving now—Spike would still have a shot at his career. How could she stay when she knew their relationship could ruin everything for him? Besides, as bad as things had gotten, she didn't think Spike would even want to risk it all for her anymore.

Mona could tell Buffy wasn't completely listening to her, but if Buffy couldn't take her advice, there wasn't much else she could do. She couldn't force Buffy to see reason, as much as she may want to. It broke her heart to think of anything coming between two people who were clearly so much in love, and she hoped they'd start to see reason soon. Maybe Spike would be more willing to listen to her than Buffy…

"I need to get back to the studio," Mona told Buffy as she gently patted her leg. "They'll be getting hungry soon. If you need anything at all, call my cell phone, all right? I'll be here as quickly as I can."

"Okay," Buffy replied. "Thanks for bringing me home. And for the tea."

"You're welcome." Mona stood up. "Think about what I said, too, okay?"

"I will. Bye, Mona."

Mona gave her a sad smile. "Bye, Buffy."

*** *** ***


The song in this chapter is "Goodnight Sweet Girl" by Ghost of the Robot, which means yes, James Marsters actually sings it. If you haven't heard it and want to, there's a Spuffy music video that uses it on this site: http://www.mysideyourside.co.uk/cybermintz/
Chapter Forty-Five by Addie Logan
As soon as the band was finished for the day, Mona physically pulled Spike out into the hallway. "What the hell is going on?" she demanded as she dropped her hand from Spike's arm and planted it firmly on her hip.

Spike blinked. "Huh? What are you on about, Mo'?"

"Buffy's like this close to leaving you, Spike," Mona replied, holding up the hand that wasn't on her hip and gesturing with her thumb and pointer finger barely apart from each other.

Spike paled. "What? Did…did she tell you this?"

Mona shook her head. "She didn't have to. It's obvious, Spike. She was here earlier, listened to that new song of yours—and it did not sit well with her. She was upset, so I took her home, and when I tried to talk to her it was pretty damn clear where her mind was. I have no clue what the hell is going on with the two of you, but if you want to keep that girl, Spike—and if you have any brain left in that bleached head of yours at all, you do—you better fix things now."

Fear gripped Spike's entire body. He knew things had been deteriorating between them, but he hadn't really allowed himself to think Buffy would actually leave him. "Tell the band I had to go?" Spike asked.

"Well, duh," Mona replied, rolling her eyes. "Get out of here before I drag you out."

"Thank you," Spike said, clasping her shoulder before he ran out of the studio and to his car, hoping that with any luck at all, he could fix all of this before it was too late.

*** *** ***


The apartment was dark when Spike got home, and he called out to Buffy, trying not to give in to the sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach that said she could already be gone.

Buffy wasn't gone, however, and she stepped out of the shadows, the moonlight coming through the window illuminating her. Spike breathed a sigh of relief until he realized she was crying. "Kitten…" he said, reaching his hand out towards her, though stopping short of actually touching her. "Mona said you were at the studio today."

Buffy nodded. "I was."

"Pet, what's going…"

Before Spike could finish his question, Buffy was kissing him, and he moaned, giving into the feel of her body for the first time in what felt like so long. He could taste the salt of her tears on her lips, and her grip on his arms was desperately tight.

"Touch me, Spike," Buffy whispered against his mouth. "I need to feel you."

The need he'd been feeling for her for weeks now burst inside of him, and Spike picked Buffy up, navigating the way to the bedroom from memory as he leaned in to kiss her again. After laying her out on the bed, he stopped only long enough to remove his boots before he joined her, kissing her with an intense desire to let her know how much he loved her, needed her.

Buffy tore at his clothes, and Spike followed suit, the desperate nature of their longing ensuring that this was not going to be a leisurely coupling. As soon as they were touching skin to skin, Buffy's hand was between their bodies, gripping Spike's straining erection and guiding him inside of her tight heat.

Spike gasped and gritted his teeth, the time since the last time he'd been with her making the feeling of sliding inside of Buffy even more intense than usual. However, his own pleasure diminished as he noticed Buffy was still crying. "Luv, what's wrong?" Spike asked her, concern etched on his features and heavy in his voice. "What is this?"

Buffy shook her head. "Just make love to me, Spike. Please…"

She pitched her hips upwards, forcing him deeper into her body, and Spike couldn't hold back, the pleasure of her surrounding him too intense. Buffy moaned and gasped as he thrust in and out of her, wrapping her legs around his waist as she gripped his shoulders.

Spike leaned down, pressing soft kisses against her neck and jaw as he whispered against her ear. "I love you, Buffy. God, I love you so much…"

When they came, it was together, and Spike called her name, pushing all the way inside of her and holding as Buffy trembled around him.

He rolled over, catching his breath for a moment before he looked at her, and frowned when he saw she still had tears streaming down her cheeks. "Buffy, what's…" Spike stopped as it suddenly became clear to him what was going on. "You're breaking up with me. That…that was a one last time."

Buffy's only response was a choked sob, and Spike knew he was right. He sat up, running his hand through his hair as he tried to process that this was really happening. "Sweetheart, I know things have been rough, but we can make them better. I promise, Buffy. I'll….I'll stop drinking. Completely—nothing at all. I'll do anything you want, just please, don't leave me. Please, kitten… I love you."

"I love you, too," Buffy whispered.

"Then why?" Spike asked. "We can fix it. Whatever it is, sweetheart, we can fix it."

"No, we can't," Buffy replied as she sat up, wrapping the sheet around her. "We can't fix it, Spike."

"What is it, Buffy? What is it that we can't fix?"

I'm your stepsister, and the fallout from that can kill your one chance at a real music career… "I don't want to be with you anymore," Buffy told him, the words making her feel a physical pain deep inside of her chest. "It's over, Spike."

She slipped his mother's ring off of her finger and dropped it into the palm of his hand.

A flash of pain went across Spike's face before his defenses kicked in and the pain changed to anger, his fist tightening around the ring. "Fine. If that's how you want this to be, then I'm gone."

Buffy looked at him, her eyes wide and full of tears. "I'm sorry."

"Save it," Spike snapped as he got out of the bed and put his clothes back on. "You want to end this, so it's over. Have a nice life."

The pain inside of her grew, and Buffy could hardly believe this was actually happening. She wanted to wake up, wanted to find that everything was a dream, and she was really back home in New York, sleeping in Spike's arms.

But it wasn't a dream. She was really watching Spike walk away from her forever. "I'm so sorry," she whispered.

Spike didn't reply, only stormed out of the apartment, slamming the front door hard behind him.

Buffy threw herself back on the bed and sobbed.

*** *** ***


Buffy went to Sunnydale the next day, needing to get out for a while of the apartment that was so filled with reminders of Spike. She could tell her family had an idea something was going on with her, but none of them asker her any questions, and for that, she was grateful. She only cried at night, when she was alone and behind closed doors. Her heart hadn't been broken like this in so long…

Yet, when she came back to Los Angeles, it broke a little more. All of Spike's things were gone from the apartment, a glaring reminder of what she'd done. When she opened the closet and saw it completely devoid of any of his clothes, she collapsed to the ground, sobbing hysterically.

Spike was gone…

She knew she could find him easily enough. Odds were he was staying with either Oz or Mona and Rory, and even if he wasn't, they'd know where to find him. But she couldn't do that, no matter how loudly her heart screamed at her to bring him home. She'd done this not for herself, but for him, even if he didn't know it. He'd have no shortage of women throwing themselves at him now, and he'd get over her, find someone who wouldn't ruin his career just with her existence.

This was for the best, Buffy told herself as she squared her shoulders and pushed back the tears. Maybe someday she could explain it all to Spike, and he'd be able to understand why she'd had to do this. His life would be better without her in it, and in the long run, once he got over the pain, he'd realize it, too.

And Buffy hoped that someday she could remember how to live without him.

*** *** ***
Chapter Forty-Six by Addie Logan
Three Years Later…

On the one hand, Buffy was glad to know Spike had moved on. The last thing she wanted was for Spike to keep suffering over losing her instead of having the good life she'd set him free to live.

On the other, when she couldn't even as much as stand in the check-out line at the grocery store without having the love of her life's current relationship thrown in her face, things were difficult.

Spike's recently-begun relationship with actress Eve Hart had become all the rage in Hollywood gossip, making it very difficult for Buffy to ignore the painful reminders that Spike was no longer hers. Even after all the years since she'd last seen him, memories of Spike and what she'd lost still cut deeply, sometimes still even driving her to tears. It had been especially difficult when the first album had shot Spike into superstardom almost overnight and made it as if he was still surrounding her, something reminding her of what she'd lost at every turn. For months, she hadn't even been able to turn on the radio, the same song that had driven her from the studio suddenly taunting her constantly.

Then, things had reached a lull for a while, and although Spike had not completely left the eye media by any means, he hadn't been quite such a focus, and she'd been able to find some relief.

Until the second album was finally ready to be released. There'd been some delay, something about a problem with management, Buffy had heard, though she hadn't paid enough attention to know exactly what, but now the album was days away from hitting the store shelves and the band was caught up in a media frenzy.

With their lead singer and his new love interest right at the center of it all.

"Uh, are you going to buy that stuff or not, 'cause there's a line behind you."

Buffy looked up quickly at the cashier. "Oh, sorry. I got, um, distracted for a moment by the magazines," she admitted with a slight blush as she emptied the contents of her basket onto the conveyor belt.

"I don't blame you for that one bit," the woman behind her in line teased. "That Spike guy is pretty yummy. You should check out the latest issue of Ok! He just spent a week off somewhere tropical with that Eve Hart, and there's lots of nice ones of him out on the beach. Boy, does that man know how to keep in shape."

Buffy smiled even though she was really wishing the ground would simply open up and swallow her. "Yeah, he does," she said, thinking of just how intimately she truly knew his well-formed body.

"That's gonna be twelve seventy-nine," the cashier said, pulling Buffy's attention back to her shopping.

Buffy reached into her pocket and pulled out a twenty, then handed it to the cashier and waited for her change. When she had that and her receipt, she gave the woman next in line a quick smile before grabbing her bag and heading out of the store and into the parking lot.

When she got to her car, Buffy had to sit for a moment, taking deep breaths to calm herself. It was so tempting to start ordering all of her groceries online… They had those no-candy aisles for parents who didn't want their children tempted—couldn't they have a no-tabloid aisle for people who didn't want to have to see their now-famous ex-boyfriends with a gorgeous actress draped all over them?

Really, she didn't think it would be too much to ask.

She took one more deep breath, running her hands through her long, blonde hair as she did before picking her keys up from her lap and sticking them into the ignition. She didn't have time for a breakdown now—it was Monday morning, and she had to get to work.

Buffy started the car and fought to push Spike back out of the front of her mind.

*** *** ***


"Someone's got an admirer…" Buffy heard as soon as she walked into work. She turned towards Kathy at the front desk and realized she was the person the receptionist talking to.

"Me? What are you talking about?" Buffy asked.

"Go in your office and look," Kathy replied with a smile Buffy had always found more than a little annoying.

Buffy did go into her office, and she gasped at the sight of a dozen red roses in a glass vase on her desk. She plucked the card from the bouquet and read it.

Thanks for a wonderful time Saturday night.
—R.


With a sigh, she dropped the card onto her desk and walked out, going down the hall to the last door on the left and knocking. At the response of, "Come in!" she walked inside and shut the door back behind her.

"You know, this whole thing isn't going to stay a secret for very long if you keep sending me flowers," Buffy said, her hands planted on her hips.

From behind his desk, Robin Wood leaned back in his chair. "I put them in there when no one else was here yet," he replied. "Besides, Buffy, there's not a district policy that says the principal can't date a guidance counselor. The only way it would be a problem is if we decided to get married, and then one of us would have to switch schools. I don't know why you want to be so secretive about everything anyway."

"I don't want to be gossip," Buffy said.

Robin leaned forward again, meeting her eyes as he did. "And what if we take things past the couple of dates we've been on, Buffy?" he asked. "I really like you, and honestly, I'm hoping this can turn into something more."

"Then we'll be gossip-worthy," Buffy replied. She sighed. "It's not that I don't like you, Robin, because I do. It's just I've only been here for a semester, and I don't want things to get all awkward. Can you let this just stay between us for a little while longer? Please?"

Robin frowned for a moment before he smiled at her. "All right. I can do that."

Buffy smiled back. "Thank you." She turned to leave, then stopped with her hand on the door and looked over her shoulder at him. "And thanks for the flowers, too. They're beautiful."

"You're welcome," Robin told her, his grin widening as Buffy walked out of his office.

*** *** ***


Buffy hadn't been working as a high school guidance counselor for long before she discovered another downside of being the ex-girlfriend of a famous, drool-worthy musician—teenaged girls were big fans of ripping pictures out of magazines and sticking them everywhere. She could barely go down the hallway without seeing Spike's face posted in someone's locker.

And then there were the notebooks. Buffy thought those ones with the clear sleeve fronts should be outlawed, especially now as Spike looked up at her from one with his damn tongue curled. Maybe she could confiscate it by deeming it inappropriate for school. She'd always said that look was damn near close to porn…

"Um, Miss Summers, what do you think I should do?"

Buffy's eyes widened as she realized the girl across from her had been talking and she hadn't heard a word of it. Crap… "Well, what do you want to do, Amanda?" she asked, clasping her hands in front of her as she mentally congratulated herself on a good save.

"I don't know. I mean, sometimes, when he picks on me I want to hit him real hard, right in the face. But sometimes, I want to kiss him. It's confusing."

Well, that was something Buffy knew she could relate to… "Boys are always confusing like that," Buffy told the girl. "It's like something programmed into those Y-chromosomes of theirs."

"So what should I do then?" Amanda asked.

"It all depends on how much you're willing to deal with," Buffy replied. "If you make the first move, there's a chance he'll like you back, but there's also the chance you'll have to deal with rejection—which is never easy. And then even if he does like you back and you do start a relationship, that can all end badly, too. Relationships are hard work, especially when you add them to trying to deal with school and all of that. And boys, well, with all of their annoyingness, they can really sweep you away, too. I mean, one minute you're determined to avoid them and all those possibilities for heartache, and the next you're staring into those gorgeous blue eyes and believing beyond a shadow of a doubt that this time, it'll actually be different, even when you know it's all going to come crashing down and you'll be miserable all over again."

Amanda blinked. "Um, his eyes are brown…"

"Uh, right. Those were, um, metaphorical blue eyes."

"So you're saying I shouldn't ask him out?"

"I'm saying you should weigh all the possibilities and decide if he's really worth the time—and risk—that comes with being in a relationship."

"That's the part I don't know," Amanda said with a frown. "I mean, sometimes, I think I totally hate him, but then other times, I feel like if I don't finally kiss him, I'm just going to die. Is that weird?"

Buffy shook her head. "Scarily enough, no, it isn't. There's something about love—it makes you go crazy."

Amanda smiled slightly. "That's good to hear. I was starting to think I might need to be medicated or something."

"No, you're all normal," Buffy replied with a chuckle. "Welcome to the wonderful world of hormones."

"You're way cooler than the other guidance counselors," Amanda said, her smile growing. "You talk to me like I'm a real person, and not just some dumb kid. None of the other adults around here do that—I like it."

"Thank you," Buffy said, smiling back. "I remember what it's like to be a teenager, how hard it is when you think no one around understands you. I want all of you guys to know there is someone around who understands—as I serve as a living testament to the fact that it is actually possible to survive your teen years intact."

Amanda laughed. "I appreciate it. And I know a lot of the other students do, too. You're our favorite grown-up on campus, you know."

"Well, I have an unfair advantage. I don't give you grades, and when you come to my office, it's to talk all about yourselves," Buffy teased, though Amanda's words had touched her deeply. She wanted to give these kids what she hadn't had when she was their age and hopefully prevent them from knowing the same sort of pain and loneliness she had. It's why she'd chosen to go into school counseling even when several of her professors and classmates had told her she was insane and should go into private practice instead. For one thing, she'd never make the sort of money she could there in a high school.

But Buffy didn't care about the money. Sure, it would be nice if she could afford a few more luxuries, but she weighed that against the benefits she got from genuinely helping people and knew what she wanted to do.

"Still, we like you better than the other guidance counselors, too," Amanda insisted. "For one thing, the first question out of your mouth when we come in isn't, 'What do you want to do with you life?'" She rolled her eyes. "Like I know the answer to that at fifteen."

"You have plenty of time to figure that out," Buffy told her. "I certainly didn't know in high school. It took living in the real world for a little bit first in order to figure it out."

"I keep trying to tell my parents that, but my mom thinks I should already be working on becoming a lawyer," Amanda muttered.

"Well, here's what you do about that," Buffy told her, leaning forward in her chair. "We have second-semester activity sign-ups starting soon. Sign up for the mock trial club, see how you like it. Maybe your mom is wrong, and being a lawyer isn't for you at all—but you won't know until you try it on for a bit. For all you know, you could discover being up in a courtroom is your passion, and you'll love it. Or, you won't, but if you go ahead and test it now before your decisions about things like this really make that big of a difference in the long run, it'll be no harm, no foul. Catch my drift?"

Amanda's smile returned. "Yeah, I do. That does make sense. And hey, if I'm in mock trial for a little while, at least it'll keep my mom off my back."

"There ya go," Buffy said. "Give a little and get a little. And if you don't like it, at least you can say you gave it a try when your mother brings it up. It gives you a little more room there, you know?"

"Yep. Wow, you're like, all kinds of helpful." The bell rang loudly then, and Amanda jumped up. "Ooh, that's my lunch bell. Thanks, Miss Summers!"

"You're welcome," Buffy called after the girl as Amanda ran out of the office.

Buffy leaned back in her chair, a smile on her face. Maybe her love life wasn't exactly on the track she wanted it to be on, but at least she was good at her job—even if all of the students probably weren't as enthusiastic about her as Amanda seemed to be, Buffy knew she was making a difference, and she could feel good about that.

Her attention turned back to her desk, and she realized with a frown Amanda had left her notebook. Her gorgeous, sexy notebook… Buffy shook her head, then picked it up, turning it over so Spike was no longer staring up at her as she left her office to find Amanda and return the binder.

*** *** ***


I know I made a big time jump, but did anyone really want to read about them being apart with no contact at all for an extended period of time? I didn't think so…

As for people asking how many chapters are left, I don't know. I don't really think in terms of chapters—the story's over when I've told all I want to tell. I've written up through fifty-two, and the story's not finished there, so it's going to be a while. Beyond that, I really can't tell you exactly how long it's going to be.

Please review!
Chapter Forty-Seven by Addie Logan
Author's Notes:
I've tried to ignore this as best I can and not write any more long author's notes about it since it's by no means the majority of my readers causing the problem, but seeing as the ignoring route is not making it go away, I'm going to try this again.



The flames are getting old. I don't mean people who are expressing concern over the break up or worried about how Spike and Buffy are going to get back together. I mean the personal, vicious attacks that I have been getting several of each chapter for weeks now. This is completely unnecessary, and in all honesty, I've reached my breaking point.



A little over a week ago, my grandmother died unexpectedly. We were very close, and needless to say, I'm not in the best place emotionally right now. Wednesday night, I came home from being out of town for her funeral, checked my mail, and found two vicious flames waiting for me. To be blunt, this didn't make me feel any better. I've already spent most of the week either crying or on the verge of tears, and to have people telling me point blank not only that I'm a bad writer (who apparently wasted her time at Writercon), but also making personal statements about me, such as doubting my ability to be in a relationship, has made things all the more difficult.



I seriously don't know how much more of this I can take. I've tried to be strong and keep posting because the majority of my readers are very kind to me, and I don't want to let any of you down. From the reviewers who have publically stood up for me to the lurkers who are silently enjoying the fic, I want to see this story to the end for all of you. However, when it comes right down to it, fanfic is a hobby, and right now, it's a hobby that is quickly losing its enjoyment for me. While I do realize the majority of my reviews are very positive--and I thank you all so much for that--I'm having a very hard time dealing with the attacks, especially with what's going on in my life right now. I've gotten to the point where I dread posting new chapters for this story. Every time I see a review in my inbox, I cringe as I open it, waiting to see if someone's going to tell me how horrible I am again. And as much as the positive reviews outweigh the negative--and believe me when I say, you guys are the reason this fic hasn't been pulled from this site--the negative ones are getting to be more than I can handle right now.



So please, if you're feeling the need to be a flaming troll, just stop and think for a moment. Lots of people are enjoying this story the way it is, and I'm not going to change everything for a few people who seem to want to ruin things for the rest. I'm a person behind the computer screen, and one who's asking for a little compassion at that. If you're not enjoying the story anymore, you can stop reading and leave it for those who do. You don't have to start reviewing every chapter with a biting diatribe. If this continues, I'm going to have to take a little break from fanfiction for a while, because right now, what I need in my life is not another source of stress, but the escape fanfiction used to be. I don't want to stop writing because I really don't want to do that for all of you who don't deserve something like that, but for my own piece of mind right now, I'm not sure I can take bi-weekly flamethrowing.
Buffy came home wanting to kill something. Sometime since this morning, someone had put up a billboard—a freaking billboard—advertising the Dingoes' new album. As if the magazines and the locker pin-ups hadn't been enough, now she had to look at the face of Spike Kong every day to and from work.

She was going to have to find another route, no two ways about it.

She dropped her things on the table and slipped her shoes off before going into the kitchen, snatching a note off the refrigerator door and reading it.

Studying at the library. Be back sometime. Cell phone's on vibrate, so call me if there's an apocalypse or something.
—Dawn


Buffy smirked as she put the note in the trash, glad her sister had finally started letting her know before she up and disappeared. Dawn had begged Buffy to let her stay with her instead of living in the dorms when she'd started college at UCLA, and while Buffy had finally relented, she and Dawn had butted heads when it came to Dawn's level of freedom. Buffy had finally gotten through to her younger sister that she didn't necessarily care how long Dawn stayed out or where she went, she just wanted to know what was up so she wouldn't worry or so she could get in touch with her if something bad happened. Ever since then, Dawn had joked about letting Buffy know where she was "in case of apocalypse," and Buffy had figured teasing notes were better than no notes at all.

Buffy grabbed a few containers of leftovers out of the fridge, dumped them on a plate, and stuck it in the microwave. While she waited for her dinner to heat up, she went into her bedroom and changed into a pair of light cotton pants and a camisole top.

After retrieving her dinner, Buffy went into the living room and settled down on the couch. She was already pushing thoughts of the billboard out of her mind, wanting instead to spend a nice, relaxing evening in front of the television without having to deal with memories of her ex.

With her plate settled in her lap, Buffy picked up the remote control from the arm of the couch and turned on the television. The immediate blast of sound told her Dawn had been the last one to watch it, and as she quickly moved to turn down the volume, she realized Dawn had also left it on some music channel.

A music channel that was currently playing one of Spike's videos.

"Figures this would be the time they decide to play their one music video of the day," Buffy grumbled, quickly switching the channel before she had the chance to get sucked in by his voice, his face.

She didn't quite make it. The next channel she reached was interviewing the band, and the sound of Spike's laugh made her stop abruptly. How she'd missed that sound…

The remote control fell from her hand almost unbidden, and she sat her plate on the coffee table before leaning forward, unable to stop herself from giving in to her desire to watch him, despite the pain it caused.

He looked good, she realized with a pang in her heart. Really good. His hair was a little longer with more curl to it, and while it was still bleached, it was not the stark white it had been when they were together. Most of what she'd seen of him recently was still photographs, and according to the image at the bottom of the screen, this program was being filmed live.

She was watching Spike, in that moment. It seemed more real than the magazines or even the billboard. It wasn't just the specter of his face haunting her, it was him. His movements, his voice, his smile. It's what he would look like now, if he were sitting beside her.

Buffy knew she should change the channel. Watching him like this was something akin to torture, and there was no reason for her to do this to herself.

Especially when the interviewer's next question pierced through her fogged brain.

"So, Spike, you and Eve Hart are getting pretty serious, huh?"

Spike smiled, a grin Buffy had once thought was reserved for only when he was talking about her, and her heart broke a little more. "Yeah, it's going well," Spike replied. "We've been together about six months now. Eve's out of the country filming a movie right now, but we've been talking every day, and I recently got to spend a little time over there with her."

"There's been quite a few rumors of an upcoming aisle walk," the interviewer replied, pointing out a fact Buffy was all too keenly aware of. It was the perfect tabloid fodder, and the question that assailed her any place where magazines where sold. "Any truth to that?"

Spike cleared his throat. "If there's a wedding coming up, it's a surprise to me, too," he replied. "Honestly, we haven't even talked about it. Seems like if you spend any time with someone at all, the media's marrying you off the next day."

Buffy breathed a sigh of relief, leaning back against the pillows. She wanted Spike to be happy, to find someone to spend the rest of his life with, but for some reason she couldn't quite name, she didn't want that person to be Eve Hart. For one thing, the woman's highly-publicized divorce from her ex-husband, fellow actor Lindsey McDonald, had not painted a pretty picture of her at all. Not that Buffy believed everything she read in the tabloids, but with that many people saying Eve was a horrible bitch, odds were there was some truth to it.

The show's host announced a commercial break, but a live performance from the Dingoes when they came back. Buffy knew this was her chance to escape. With Spike off the screen, the hypnotic pull of his eyes was gone, and she could change the channel, find something less painful to watch. The Discovery Channel was supposed to be running something on monkeys…

While she was trying to will herself to go towards the monkeys, the commercial break ended. The show's host announced the song as something off the new album, declaring it the first time anyone would hear it. Buffy knew she should really go now. It was bad enough listening to him talk, but hearing him sing—watching him perform? Why was she doing this to herself?

She lowered the remote to the television, telling herself to push the damn button already, but her eyes fixated on the screen as the band began to play and Spike approached the microphone. She realized with a lump already forming in her throat that she hadn't seen him perform anything live since that last day in the recording studio with Mona.

Spike closed his eyes and took a deep breath, then opened them again and looked directly into the camera, making Buffy gasp. His eyes were still so blue…

"I remember what you told me
Last I said I wanted you.
A crooked smile played
Across your lips and you said,
'Damn all you men are just the same.'"

It took only that first verse to let Buffy know he was singing about her, and her hands started to tremble. She remembered the moment he was talking about, and while his implications there seemed a little skewed in her opinion, it was enough their moment to rule out him singing about anyone else. Her breath caught as she leaned forward more, wanting this glimpse into what Spike felt about her now that they hadn't seen each other in three years. Had he been able to forgive her for the pain she knew she'd caused him?

"It's been a long time, that's granted,
But I bet you haven't changed.
It's been a longtime since I was okay.

"In the year we spent together,
I fell in love with your honesty.
You never told me that
Your sweet words were never meant to apply to me."

Buffy's heart sank. Apparently, forgiveness was not on the menu. Was that truly what Spike thought about her now? Did he think she'd merely been playing him, telling him things she'd never really meant? More than anything else, Buffy didn't want that to be true. She wanted him to know, even with the way things had ended, she'd loved him. Everything she'd ever said to him was meant for him and him alone.

His eyes held a look of pain as he sang, and Buffy couldn't know him as well as she did and not see it. Spike always poured all of himself into his songs, and now was no exception. She could see every play of emotion across his face, telling her without a doubt that he meant what he sang.

"It's been a long time, that's granted,
But I bet you haven't changed.
It's been a longtime, since I was okay.

"You're so perfect,
Put together.
Love, your beauty is faultless.
But what I thought was
Done for my eyes
Was really building a fortress.

"It's been a long time, that's granted,
But I bet you're just the same.
It's been along time since I was okay."

As the song came to a close, Buffy couldn't stop the tears running down her cheeks. The last verse cut her the deepest, the bitterness in his words and voice giving her a clear picture for the first time of what she'd really done to him. She hadn't meant to make him hate her, to make him think she could do anything but love him.

The full weight of his words hit her hard, and Buffy finally turned off the television before running out of the room and to her bed, dinner long forgotten.

*** *** ***


By the time her alarm went off the next morning, Buffy had already been awake for a while—if she'd ever really gone to sleep at all. It had been a restless night, her thoughts racing too quickly to allow her any real rest. She'd heard Dawn come in at some point, but Buffy hadn't gotten up even then, far from in the mood to see anyone, even her sister.

Eventually, she'd come to the conclusion maybe it was better if Spike hated her. She had, after all, left in order to keep her from hurting his career. Perhaps if he saw her as the villain of the piece, it would make it easier for him to move on, like he obviously had with Eve.

It hurt her more than she ever would've even imagined to think of Spike holding so much anger towards her, but Buffy hadn't done this for herself. Leaving Spike had been the last thing she'd ever truly wanted to do, even with the problems in their relationship at the time, but she sacrificed her own feelings for what would be better for him. She had to keep doing that, had to deal with the pain of his animosity now.

Spike's career had prospered since she had left him, no tabloid spins turning their relationship into something sordid and incestuous keeping him from being launched into superstardom. So the break-up had left him bitter towards her—she'd expected as much. Even with the hurt she'd caused him, he seemed to be doing fine these days. His career had taken off with no signs of slowing down, and he had a movie star girlfriend. Writing a song or two about her notwithstanding, Buffy doubted Spike spent too much time these days mourning the loss of their relationship.

She turned off her alarm and sat up, sighing heavily as she did. She was half tempted to call in sick, though she knew she had a couple of meetings that day with students she'd really wanted to talk to. Besides, she didn't think, "I saw my ex-boyfriend on television last night, and now I want to crawl in a hole and die" was an acceptable reason for skipping work. She needed to suck it up and act like the independent woman she was.

With another sigh, she set herself forward to attempt to do just that.

*** *** ***


The song in this chapter is "Long Time," written and sung by some James Marsters guy. Maybe you've heard of him… Anyway, I changed a couple of words, so if you're familiar with the lyrics, I did it on purpose, so you don't have to tell me I'm wrong.
Chapter Forty-Eight by Addie Logan
As soon as Buffy walked out of her bedroom, she smelled pancakes. A wary frown on her face, she made her way to the kitchen, stopping short when she saw her sister at the stove. "You're cooking? Did you call the fire department and ask them to stand on alert first?"

Dawn looked over at Buffy and rolled her eyes. "Sheesh, wake up on the wrong side of the bed much? They're just-add-water pancakes, Buffy. Even I can manage those. Besides, I'm making them because I thought you might be hungry after leaving your dinner all untouched on the coffee table last night."

"Oh. Yeah. About that," Buffy replied, looking down so as to avoid her sister's gaze. "I saw something on television that sort of…made me lose my appetite."

Dawn removed a pancake from the skillet with a spatula, then moved in to add another spoonful of batter. "Was it someone eating bugs? I know I lose my appetite every time I turn on the television and see someone eating bugs." She shivered.

"Actually, I saw…" Buffy paused and looked up. "Well, I saw Spike."

"Oh?" Dawn asked, her back going a little straighter.

"Yeah. It was a live interview and a live performance. I'm pretty sure the song was about me, and it hit me sort of hard." Several beats of silence passed through in the kitchen until Buffy asked, "How is he?"

"We've never really talked about your relationship," Dawn said as she started on another pancake.

"I know, and I'm not trying to pull you in the middle of anything. I just… I want to know if he's really okay—from someone who actually knows him."

Dawn stared down at the pancake, watching the batter bubble. "He's doing all right. Better now than he was for a while."

"I want him to be all right," Buffy said, her voice sounding small even though she didn't want it to.

"He is."

Silence hung between the sisters again before Buffy cleared her throat. "I'm going to go take a quick shower, and then I'll come out and eat breakfast, all right?"

"Yeah, okay," Dawn replied, flipping another pancake onto the plate. "I should be done with them by then."

Buffy turned and started towards the bathroom, but stopped short when she heard Dawn call after her.

"Buffy?"

"Yeah?"

"I don't think he loves her. Not really anyway."

Buffy's throat tightened on her, and she couldn't find the words to respond.

*** *** ***


"So how about dinner on Saturday?"

Buffy looked up from her desk as she heard the door click shut, then Robin's question. He was leaning against the now-closed door, a charming smile on his face.

"I can't do Saturday," Buffy replied. "And you in here with my door shut—office gossip fodder."

Robin's smile grew at the last part. "I can just yell at you on the way out and make everyone think you're in trouble. And why can't you do Saturday?"

"Don't you dare. And because I have to be in Sunnydale. My mother's decided to throw a big birthday party for my step-father, despite the fact he swears he really doesn't want one. She feels like we've never properly celebrated his birthday—it's a whole big thing. Anyway, partying with my parents is where I will be."

"Oh. Next weekend then?"

Buffy started to respond, but stopped quickly. Robin was a nice, attractive man—why was she keeping him at arms' length? He was the best guy she'd met since Spike, and really, did she want to be alone? Even if Spike didn't really love Eve as Dawn had claimed, he wasn't exactly trying to talk Buffy into giving their relationship a second go either. She and Spike had been over for three years now, and Buffy knew it was time for her to move on.

"Why don't you come with me?"

Robin blinked. "To your step-father's birthday party?"

"Yeah. I know, it's probably not the most exciting social event of the season, but…"

"I'd love to go," Robin said quickly. "I was just a little surprised you offered. You've been going sort of hot and cold on me, so I wasn't expecting an invite to meet the parents."

"I know I have been. And it hasn't been because of you. I like you. But I've been hurt pretty badly in the past, so I'm skittish, you know?"

Robin walked away from the door and towards her, coming around the desk to crouch beside her. "I've picked up on that. But I like you, too, Buffy, and I think you're someone who's worth having some patience for. However, if you're inviting me to this thing because you feel like you have to, don't. I'll keep waiting until you're ready."

"No, that's not why. I want you to be there." Buffy looked into his eyes and swallowed hard. "It's time for me to make a real step towards moving on—and that's something I want to do with you."

"Then I'll go with you." Robin rose to his feet and dropped a chaste kiss on the top of Buffy's head. He then walked over to the door, announcing loudly as he opened it, "So you'll have that on my desk by lunch?"

Buffy couldn't help but chuckle. "Yeah, I will."

His back turned to everyone but Buffy, Robin winked before turning around and walking out.

*** *** ***


"I invited Robin to the thing for Giles this weekend."

Across the table, Dawn froze, pizza hanging inches from her mouth for a beat before she put the slice back on her plate and looked over at her sister. "Don't you think that's going to be a little awkward?"

Buffy shrugged. "Meet the parents is always kind of awkward, but I like Robin, and I think it'll be okay."

"I meant with Spike being there and all."

At that, Buffy went completely pale. "What?! Spike's going to be there?"

"Well, yeah. It is his father's party. You didn't know? I thought you knew and just didn't want to talk about it," Dawn replied.

"No, I didn't know!" Buffy leaned back in her chair, running her hands through her hair as she began to breathe spastically. "Oh god, I can't… I didn't…" She looked up again. "Dawnie, I haven't seen him in three years!"

"Buffy, calm down before you hyperventilate, okay? It'll be all right."

"How can this be all right? The last time we saw each other, it was all bad and…" Buffy stopped, taking a deep breath and forcing herself to calm down like Dawn had said. It was hard with her heart racing the way it was…

"Maybe it'll be better then to have Robin there," Buffy said after several deep breaths. "Spike will know I've moved on, and that I'm completely fine now."

Dawn said nothing, but she couldn't stop her eyebrow from arching. People who were "completely fine" didn't have panic attacks at the mere mention of seeing their ex again.

"Will Eve be there?" Buffy asked softly, turning her eyes down to her pizza as she picked at a mushroom.

"No," Dawn replied. "She's somewhere in Europe—Spain, I think. She's filming some big historical epic thing."

Buffy started breathing a little easier. "Well, good. And Mom's inviting a lot of people, right? Maybe I won't even have to talk to him."

"I bet you can avoid him all day," Dawn said, even though she knew that was going to be completely impossible. The party was being held in Giles and Joyce's backyard—what was Buffy going to do, hide behind a garden gnome?

"Right, so I'll avoid him, and I'll have Robin there as a distraction, and everything will be fine. Perfectly, completely fine. Besides, he probably doesn't even want to talk to me." Buffy looked sharply towards Dawn again. "Does he want to talk to me?"

"I don't know," Dawn answered honestly. "We don't really talk about you, Buffy. The break-up left him pretty raw."

Buffy couldn't fight the clenching in her stomach at Dawn's reply. "Dawnie, when Spike and I broke up…"

"Things were rough for you guys, I know," Dawn said quickly. "I totally get that." Dawn cleared her throat. "He's not drinking anymore. I mean, I think he has an occasional beer now and then, but it's nothing like it used to be. He's really gotten his act together there."

"I know," Buffy replied. "But more than that drove us apart. Things were really bad there for a while, but his drinking wasn't the only problem. It didn't make things any better, but we had other issues, and in the end, they proved to be more than we could make it through." Buffy frowned, something about her words seeming hollow to her own ears.

"So you don't think that maybe you two could ever…"

"No, Dawnie. That isn't going to happen," Buffy said, knowing where Dawn was going with her question. The younger Summers sister had taken Buffy and Spike's break-up almost as hard as Buffy herself had, being completely convinced the two of them were meant to be. She'd begged Buffy in the early weeks to call Spike and tell him she wanted to get back together with him, but Buffy had told her over and over again that it just wasn't possible.

She and Spike were over, and that was the way it had to be from now on.

"Maybe you two could talk," Dawn said eagerly, not wanting to give up on something she still firmly believed in. "I mean, people can change a lot in three years. Maybe the things that were problems before won't be problems anymore."

"I don't think so," Buffy replied, the twisting knots in her stomach seeming to grow.

"But…"

"No, Dawn," Buffy said firmly. "Just…no."

Silence fell over the table as the two sisters finished their dinner.

*** *** ***


Buffy stood outside the car, her hand resting on the top of the open passenger's side door and her eyes fixated on some point off in the distance.

"We can still not do this, you know. I won't hold it against you if you would rather I stay behind."

The sound of Robin's voice snapped Buffy to attention, and she looked quickly at him over the hood of the car. "No, I want you to go, really. Sorry, I just zoned. I'm all spacey Buffy today."

"Are you sure?" Robin asked with a frown. "There really is no pressure here, Buffy. If you've changed your mind about wanting me to meet your family…"

"I haven't changed my mind about that at all," Buffy insisted, pushing a smile onto her face. "Really, the more I think about this, the better of an idea I think it is."

She wondered if he could hear the lie in her voice. Buffy knew this whole thing had no chance of being anything but a disaster. No matter how much she tried to tell herself she could spend the day tactfully avoiding Spike, she knew him well enough to actually know better. If he wanted to talk to her, no amount of hiding was going to stop him. And even if they had been broken up for three years, Buffy didn't think there was any way Spike wouldn't be jealous seeing her with another man. She couldn't think of anything worse than Spike acting like an ass instead of a mature adult who had moved on.

Unless he did act like a mature adult who had moved on…

Buffy knew deep down, even if she didn't like admitting it even to herself, that what worried her the most about seeing Spike again was not the idea of him still having feelings for her, but the fear that he wouldn't. As much as she said she wanted him to be over her, the thought of him actually being over her cut deeply. How could she ever look into his eyes and see them without love for her?

"Well, if you're really sure, let's go then." Robin said, pulling Buffy out of her thoughts.

"I'm really sure," Buffy insisted. And to prove it, she got into the car and shut the door behind her.

*** *** ***


Don't worry, there's not going to be any graphic stuff with Spike and Eve or Buffy and Robin. This story is still Spuffy, so don't freak out on me about other pairings.

Please review.
Chapter Forty-Nine by Addie Logan
Author's Notes:
I really appreciate all the support I got for the last couple chapters, as well as the complete lack of flames. Hopefully, things can stay that way from now on!
When Buffy first arrived at the house on Revello Drive, everything seemed to be going smoothly. Both her mother and Giles appeared to like Robin, and Buffy was glad she'd decided to bring him. This was just the sort of thing she needed to get on with her life. She settled into the party going on in the backyard, comfortable around the mix of relatives and old family friends.

Then Spike arrived.

Buffy knew he was there even before she saw him, some long-forgotten sense prickling at her as soon as he was near. She turned, her breath stilling in her lungs for a moment as she saw him in person for the first time in three years. He was still stunningly gorgeous, perhaps even more so than she'd remembered. Even from a distance, his eyes still seemed to sparkle, and Buffy had to fight her initial instinct to run to him.

It did, however, become somewhat easier to fight when she realized he wasn't alone.

She had to keep from actually staggering backwards when she saw Eve Hart step forward and hug Joyce. It was clear from the gesture the two women were already acquainted, and Buffy couldn't help her feelings of betrayal, even as she knew her mother was doing nothing truly wrong in accepting her step-son's new girlfriend. The unspoken rule around the house had become to never mention Spike around Buffy—and most likely, as far as Buffy knew, to never mention her around Spike—so if Joyce and Eve had any sort of bonding time, Joyce wouldn't have said anything for fear of upsetting Buffy.

Yet watching them talking now still made Buffy want to grab Eve away and scream at her to stay the hell away from her mother.

"Is that Eve Hart and the lead singer of Dingoes Ate My Baby?"

Robin's question reminded Buffy she wasn't there alone, and she looked up, startled. "Oh, yeah. He's my step-father's son."

"The lead singer of Dingoes Ate My Baby is your step-brother?" Robin asked.

"Spike isn't my step-brother," Buffy insisted quickly, old habit kicking in. "I mean, yeah, in the technical sense of the word, but we didn't grow up together or anything. We don't even talk. Like ever. He's a complete stranger to me."

The pain inside of her grew as she realized how true those words had become.

Robin's eyebrow arched, but he decided not to press the subject. He could tell from Buffy's tone and the crushed look on her face there was more to the story than she was telling, but he didn't want to push—for one thing, he didn't think he'd like the answers he got.

Buffy tugged on Robin's hand. "Let's go—over there," she said, pausing for a moment before pointing to the opposite side of the backyard. "I want to catch up with Great Uncle Maury."

If Robin hadn't been really suspecting there was more to this thing than met the eye, he was now. The five seconds he'd spent with Great Uncle Maury earlier had told him no one would want to be in the man's presence unless they were trying to assure no one else came around. Still, he wasn't going to push. The handful of dates he and Buffy had been on hadn't given him the right to pry into her life just yet.

Robin smiled down at her. "Let's go catch up with Great Uncle Maury then."

*** *** ***


Buffy had thought avoiding Spike was going to be difficult. As it turned out, it wasn't. She didn't have to hide, didn't have to strike up conversations with annoying relatives to deter him from approaching her. He wasn't trying to approach her at all. As a matter of fact, he was acting like she didn't even exist.

Which was fine with her. Really, it was. Completely and totally fine in every way that it could possibly be fine.

She wasn't sneaking glances at him every time she thought she could get away with it. She wasn't fighting the urge to pry Eve's claws off of him every time she saw the overpaid, under-talented hussy touching him. Nope, she wasn't doing that at all—because she was perfectly fine.

Buffy jumped in her seat when she felt a hand on her shoulder, but quickly relaxed when she realized it was Joyce. "Yeah, Mom?"

"Would you do me a favor and run in to get some more napkins? Your Great Uncle Maury has used enough to wipe down an army."

"Sure," Buffy said, standing up. "Where are they?"

"There should be a pack of them sitting on the island in the kitchen."

"Okay." Buffy glanced over at Robin. "I'll be right back."

Robin gave her a nod in response, and Buffy headed into the kitchen. She'd almost made it out the backdoor again with the napkins when she heard Spike call her name. She froze, her heart skipping a beat before she turned around slowly to face him.

He stood in the doorway of the kitchen, his face an uncharacteristically emotionless mask. "Hello, Spike," Buffy said softly, surprised she could even find her voice at all.

"Hello, Buffy. Long time no see."

It was easy to detect the bitterness in his tone, and Buffy couldn't stop her wince. She tried to think of something to say now, but before she could, Spike was speaking again.

"I see you brought a date. Looks like a right stable bloke, too. Bet he's an upstanding member of society and everything."

"He's the principal of the high school where I work," Buffy replied. "He's a very nice man."

"Yeah, I bet he is."

Buffy sighed. "So what, did you stop me just to comment on my current taste in men, or did you actually have something important to say, because I should really be getting back to Robin now."

The pain in his eyes before the mask fell into place again was fleeting, but Buffy didn't miss it. "No, I have nothing to say to you," Spike said sharply.

"Good." Buffy turned around, ready to walk out the door, when something compelled her to face him again. It didn't seem enough somehow, after three years of not seeing him at all, to simply leave it there.

"Why are you even here today?" she asked.

Spike blinked. "Excuse me?"

"You've avoided all family functions for the past three years, Spike. Why suddenly decide to show up to one—and bring your little actress friend, too?"

Spike's sharp bark of laughter caught Buffy by surprise. "Oh, so you can bring your bulky principal, but I can't show up with Eve?" Spike shook his head. "You're still a hypocrite."

Buffy opened her mouth to protest that, but before she had a chance, Spike was answering her first question. "I came today because my father asked me to. They aren't just your family, Buffy, and I'm bloody sick of staying away all the time because of you. If anyone shouldn't be here today, it's you."

"Me?! I have every right to be here, Spike! And you were the one who chose to stay away, not me."

"Like you really gave me a choice?" Spike yelled, making Buffy take a step back. "Do you really think I could be around you after you callously ripped my heart out? Do you have any idea what you did to me, Buffy?"

"I did it for you!"

Buffy didn't realize what she'd yelled back at him until she saw Spike's eyes widen and his mouth open for a moment. "You did it for… What do you mean by that?" he asked her.

"I can't," Buffy said softly, trying to retreat. "I just need to…"

Spike grabbed her arm and pulled her back. "You need to tell me what you meant by that."

The mask he'd tried to wear since this confrontation had begun was completely gone now, and the torrent of emotions Buffy saw in his eyes made her tremble. His hand was tight around her arm, but the feel of him touching her again was still electric, and she didn't mind the slight pain from the squeeze. "It was a long time ago," she told him after a breathless moment. "It doesn't matter anymore."

"It bloody well does matter!" Spike yelled, the ticking muscle in his jaw a familiar sight for Buffy. "You crushed my heart three years ago. The least you owe me is an explanation."

No matter how hard she tried to fight them, Buffy couldn't stop her tears. The whole of the damage she'd done to Spike's heart was in his eyes now, and it was cutting her so deeply she didn't think she'd still be standing if his hand weren't gripping her arm. "I didn't want to hurt your career," she told him.

Spike frowned in confusion, her answer so far from any one he'd expected. "Buffy, how in the world would you have hurt my career?"

"Our parents are married, Spike. That's just a scandal waiting to happen."

"What? We could have dealt with that! Why would you even think…" Spike stopped, releasing his hold on her and taking a step backwards as Buffy's hand shot out to grip the kitchen island. An almost-forgotten conversation from years before came back to him, and Spike knew exactly where Buffy would've gotten such an idea in her head.

"Quentin Travers. He talked to you, didn't he?" Spike asked, though he already knew the answer.

Buffy nodded. "That day, while you were in the studio. He came by the apartment."

Spike slammed his fist against the wall, welcoming the bit of pain. "Son of a bitch! That sodding tosser!"

"No, Spike, he was right," Buffy said, shaking her head. "Besides, we had too many other problems to work through."

"Bollocks," Spike snapped. "We could've worked through them, given the time. I loved you, Buffy. I would've been willing to do anything to keep you."

Suddenly, Buffy was acutely aware of two things: He had only called her by her given name since the start of this conversation—something he'd rarely done before—and he'd spoken of his love for her in the past tense. He loved her. Loved.

"I have to go," Buffy said, her hand tightening around the bag of napkins as she remembered why she was in the kitchen in the first place. "I can't do this."

"Buffy, wait…"

"I have to go," Buffy repeated before fleeing out the back door, ignoring Spike as he called after her one more time. She kept her head down, afraid if she looked up, she'd end up looking back.

However, with her eyes towards the grass, she missed where she was going, and ended up running smack into someone else.

"God, could you possibly watch where you're going?! You just made me spill wine all over my dress that probably cost more than you could make in a month."

Buffy started to apologize sincerely. Then she realized who she bumped into and offered a phony, "Gee, sorry, Eve," instead.

"You should be," Eve said, wiping at her dress. "This is dry-clean only!"

"Gee, I'll be sure to cry about it later," Buffy snapped. Her confrontation with Spike had her emotions everywhere, and the last thing she needed was a showdown with his new girlfriend.

Suddenly, Eve's hand shot out to grab Buffy, the actress's perfectly manicured nails digging into Buffy's skin. "Don't think I don't know who you are, or what you meant to him. But he's over you, sweetie. Spike is mine. And if you think for a second that you'll ever be able to sink your claws back into him, well…"

"The only claws here are those talons you're currently digging into me," Buffy snapped, wrenching her arm away from Eve. "Spike's all yours now."

Buffy felt bile rising in her throat as she spoke, and she stopped herself from spilling her lunch all over Eve's Manolo Blahniks.

"You're right, he is," Eve replied. "Just see that you remember it. Spike's moved up in the world since he was with you, and he'll never lower himself to be with some high school guidance counselor after he's seen how well he can do. Trust me, sweetie, he forgot all about you the moment I touched him for the first time and showed him what a real woman was like. He tells me all the time how glad he is to have me in his arms these days and not you."

For a second, Buffy almost crumbled. The thought of Spike being close to another woman was bad enough without the other woman actually rubbing it in. But then, she came to a realization, and a slow smile spread across her face.

"Eve, sweetie, if you really believed that, you wouldn't be standing here having a textbook moment of insecurity, now would you? You know Spike and I were just both in the house, and it's killing you right now because you don't know what—if anything—went on in there. If you truly know what I meant to Spike, then I bet you've worried about what I could mean to him again, haven't you? And here it is, the moment you've dreaded, and all you can do is hiss at me. It's pretty pathetic when you get right down to it. The big movie star, the woman every man is supposed to fantasize about, and you're afraid of losing the man you do have to a high school guidance counselor." Buffy chuckled. "Really, it's pretty funny."

Eve gaped for a moment, Buffy's response taking her completely off-guard. Soon, however, her anger came back, and her face reddened as she prepared to fire off a retort.

Buffy didn't give her the satisfaction. Instead, she patted Eve on the shoulder and said with a smile. "Why don't you go see if you can find something to take out that stain? Really, it makes your dress look horrible."

With just enough satisfaction to manage a small smile, Buffy walked away, leaving Eve silent and fuming.

*** *** ***


Please review!
Chapter Fifty by Addie Logan
Robin spent the entire party really trying not to pry. He hadn't missed how shaken Buffy had been when she'd left the house after going in to get the napkins, nor had he missed the confrontation with Eve Hart that had obviously been heated, even from a distance. And Buffy's tactic avoiding of her not-step-brother? Definitely more than what Buffy had insisted.

As they made the silent drive back to Los Angeles, Robin found he couldn't bite his tongue anymore. Something big was going on, and he had a feeling if he could get to the bottom of it, he'd know the reason behind Buffy's skittish behavior when it came to moving forward in their relationship.

"So what's the real deal with you and Spike?" Robin asked, making Buffy whip her head to face him away from where she'd been looking out the window.

"What…what do you mean?"

"Buffy, I'm not stupid. It was pretty clear today you two have a history."

Buffy frowned. Was it? And she'd tried so hard to make that not clear. Damn… She sighed. "We dated for about a year a while back. But then things fell apart pretty quickly, and I hadn't seen him in three years—until today."

"Did you know he was going to be there when you asked me to come with you?" Robin asked. "That wasn't why you suddenly felt comfortable enough to introduce me to your parents, was it—because you didn't want Spike to see you alone?"

"No!" Buffy insisted quickly. "I didn't know he was going to be there until after I asked you, I promise. And I'm sorry if I was weird today. I thought I'd be able to handle seeing him again better than I did."

"It's okay. I completely understand having a hard time seeing your ex for the first time in three years. I take it the break-up was an ugly one?"

"It wasn't pretty by any stretch of the imagination," Buffy replied. "I loved him very much, and losing him devastated me. It took a lot to get over it."

Robin gave her a quick glance before returning his eyes to the road. "But you have gotten over it?"

"Yeah, I have," Buffy said with all the conviction she could muster. "Seeing him again made my insides tie up in knots, but I didn't want to run back into his arms."

"Just checking. I don't want to try to start something here with your heart belonging to someone else."

"Don't worry about that. Spike and I are as over as two people can be."

"Okay."

"So it doesn't like, freak you out?" Buffy asked after several moments of silence passed in the car.

"What, knowing you used to date a rock star?"

"No, knowing I used to date someone who, technically, is my step-brother."

"No, that doesn't bother me at all," Robin replied. "I know you well enough to know it wasn't some sort of kinky, incestuous thing. You're not related, and I'm going to wager if you ever lived together, it wasn't under your parents' roof."

"It wasn't," Buffy confirmed. "I didn't really meet him until we were both in our twenties."

"So nothing there to bother me," Robin said. "One of my best friends from college, his mother met his wife's father at my friend's wedding. Within six months, the parents were married, too. I never thought that suddenly made my friend and his wife brother and sister, and it seems to me anything between you and Spike was right along those lines." He cleared his throat. "Though the rock star thing—that's a tough act to follow."

Buffy chuckled. "He actually wasn't a rock star yet when we were dating. I just got the struggling musician."

"Did he leave you because he started to get famous?" Robin asked, before quickly adding, "And if I'm reaching none-of-my-business territory, you have my permission to tell me to shut up."

"It's okay. I'm not really in the mood for detail-giving, but that isn't why it ended. I broke up with him, actually."

Robin frowned. "But I thought the break-up devastated you."

"It did, but I was still the one to end things. And can that be a story for after we've had a few more dates?"

"Sure." Despite himself, Robin couldn't help the small smile that came to his lips. "There's going to be more dates?"

"There will be if you want there to be."

Robin's smile grew. "I want there to be. I definitely want there to be."

*** *** ***


Buffy always felt awkward telling Robin goodnight. As far as actual dating went, the most experience she'd had was with Riley, and she was pretty sure she and Robin were following a different sort of pattern than she had with Riley. Angel had always been about secrecy and stolen moments and with Spike she'd jumped right into a full-blown relationship.

"I feel sort of weird, simply sending you home after all that driving you just did," Buffy admitted, avoiding Robin's gaze as they stood in front of her door.

"I think it's probably for the best," Robin replied. "The only real reason for me to go into your apartment right now is something I don't think we're quite ready for."

"No, I don't think we are either," Buffy said honestly.

"I had a good time today, though," Robin told her. "I like your family. Even Great Uncle Maury starts to grow on you."

Buffy laughed. "Be careful—that could actually be his fungus."

Robin laughed back. "I'll keep that in mind." The moment sobered, and Robin reached out to cup her cheek in his hand, tilting her face up so their eyes finally met. "I still mean what I said before, about giving you the time you need. You're an amazing woman, Buffy Summers, and you're someone I think I can wait for."

"I'm sorry I can't be more…"

Buffy stopped in mid-sentence when she felt Robin's thumb against her lips. "Hey. Don't apologize for being who you are, Buffy." Slowly, giving her time to pull away, he moved his hand and replaced it with his own lips, giving her a gentle, yet talented kiss.

She felt the same way she did every time Robin kissed her. He wasn't a bad kisser by any stretch of the imagination, and Buffy had a feeling if she'd never kissed Spike, her knees would be pretty weak right about then. But she had kissed Spike and felt the magical sort of passion she feared only he could ever stir in her. After that, she was sure even a kiss from Don Juan himself would seem pale in comparison.

Still, she smiled and let her eyes linger on his for a moment as he pulled away. Maybe if she could just get used to touching someone who wasn't Spike, she'd finally be able to chase those ghosts away and go on with her life. And Robin really was a good find. She'd be crazy to pass him up because of the memory of a man she wasn't ever going to have again.

Robin's hand went up to her cheek for a moment before he let it drop. "Goodnight, Buffy."

"Goodnight, Robin," Buffy replied before stepping inside of her apartment and closing the door between them.

*** *** ***


Buffy groaned as the sound of ringing pulled her out of sleep and she struggled to place it. Her alarm wasn't going off. Dawn had stayed in Sunnydale for an extra day. So what…

Right, the phone. She shook her head and looked at the clock, grumbling as she did, "This better be important at two in the morning."

She picked the phone up and managed her best, "Hello?"

"Buffy? Did I wake you up?"

"People do tend to be asleep at this hour, and…" She froze, suddenly wide awake as she realized who she was talking to. "Spike?"

"Yeah. I'm sorry I woke you, pet, but I needed to call you. I haven't been able to stop thinking what you said back in Sunnydale earlier today."

The whole moment had a surreal feel for Buffy, making her wonder if she was even actually awake. It certainly wouldn't have been the first time in the past three years she'd dreamt of Spike.

"Buffy? Are you there, luv?"

"Yeah, sorry," Buffy said, realizing she'd probably zoned out for a moment. "I'm just not completely awake."

"Oh. I can let you go back to sleep," Spike offered. "I'm sorry I bothered you."

"No!" Buffy said quickly, not liking the idea of Spike hanging up already. It could have been because the logical part of her brain had not yet woken up, but she wanted to keep hearing his voice. "You called me for a reason, didn't you? You might as well say what you wanted to say."

On the other end of the line, Spike cleared his throat. "I don't really even know what I have to say. It just threw me for a loop, is all. I've spent three years thinking one thing, and then I find out it wasn't quite what I thought it was. A bit of a shock."

"I knew if I told you the reason I was leaving, you wouldn't have accepted it."

"Damn right I wouldn't!" Spike exclaimed, making Buffy wince a little at how loud his voice was in her ear. He took a deep breath, his tone softening. "Buffy, what Travers said to you, it wouldn't have mattered. We could've worked it all out."

"How, Spike? Hell, look at how the tabloids reacted to Britney Spears marrying her back-up dancer—what do you think they would've said about someone dating his step-sister?"

"You were never really my step-sister," Spike replied.

Buffy sighed. "I know that, Spike. But other people—especially people looking for a juicy story—they wouldn't have seen things the way we did."

"Then fuck 'em. I've never cared a day in my life what strangers think of me. If it had turned into a scandal, I would've handled it."

"But what if you couldn't have handled it? What if it killed your career?"

Spike let out a trembling breath. "Then I would've found something else to do with my life. I was never ashamed of what we had, Buffy. I was bloody proud to have the love of a woman like you. Nothing would've made me act like what we had was something that shouldn't be any more than a dirty little secret."

"I was never ashamed of us, Spike."

"Yeah, I think you were. A little at least." Buffy started to protest, but Spike seemed to sense it even from the other end of the phone line, and said quickly, "Let me finish. It was always something that bothered you. No matter how much you insisted I wasn't your step-brother, there was always something in the back of your mind telling you maybe you should think I was. For you, there was always something of a taint to the relationship. You couldn't come clean with your mum and Rupert about it for months, and that's not the sign of thinking there's no problem with a situation at all. No, I don't think you ever thought of me as a brother, but that doesn't mean you didn't wonder if the people who did think of us as siblings possibly had a valid point."

"They did, Spike. Our parents are married…"

"So bloody what? What would you think about two sets of siblings dating?"

"Why would anyone care about that? I've known lots of people who have dated the brother or sister of an in-law. It happens all the time," Buffy replied.

"And they're just as related as us, Buffy. Yeah, they're our parents and not our siblings, but it's really not all that different. And it's not like we're the only people who have ever had a relationship like this. It's not like our parents got married when we were kids, and I was sneaking across the hallway to play Doctor with you. Joyce and Rupert's marriage is a second marriage that took place later in both of their lives after they both had older children."

"I know, but not everyone would…"

"Screw anyone who doesn't, then!" Spike said, his voice rising again. "It's none of their business anyway. If it had been a scandal, it would've blown over. We have nothing to hide, nothing to be ashamed of, and eventually, they would've gone looking for something actually interesting."

"But what if…"

"We don't know what would have happened," he said sharply. "You never gave us a chance to find out. Sure, worst case scenario, it would've been a huge bloody scandal and I never would've made it to where I am today—but that still would've been better than what I got instead."

Buffy sucked in a breath. "What do you mean by that?"

"What, did you think fame's been all puppies and rainbows for me? And do you honestly think getting dumped by the woman I loved more than anything else in the world made it fun and exciting to set out on tour? Bloody hell, I was sodding miserable, Buffy. I was a wreck when you left me. Made the man I was those last couple weeks look like a real prize in comparison. I'd probably be dead now if Rory and Oz hadn't stepped in, made me stop acting like such a git."

The pain Buffy felt in the pit of her stomach whenever she thought about Spike suddenly increased. "Spike…what happened?"

For a moment, he didn't answer, and Buffy wondered if he even would. Finally, however, he started to speak, his voice considerably softer than it had been. "Losing you hurt more than I even imagined. I felt like a piece of me had been ripped away, and the pain was more than I could handle. I drank to make it go away, and then as we started touring and more things were available to me, I took them, too. Anything to make the hurting stop, you know?"

Buffy's eyes flooded with tears as her hand went to her mouth. She'd known Spike had probably taken the break-up hard, but she hadn't thought about it getting to that point.

"I was too fucked up to go on stage more than once, the record label was getting angry, but I didn't bloody care. I didn't have you, so I didn't care about anything. I didn't even care if I died." He paused for a moment, and Buffy could hear the hitches in his breathing, making her wonder if he was crying, too.

"And then, I almost did. I OD'ed in my hotel room. Oz found me, saved my life. He and Rory did a bit of an intervention, reminded me there were things—people—worth living for. I cleaned up after that, got some help, learned how to deal with my pain in ways other than getting so wasted I couldn't feel anything at all."

The image of Spike half-dead on the floor of a hotel room was enough to make bile rise in her throat. "Spike…I'm so sorry. I didn't…"

"I'm not telling you all of this to make you feel guilty," Spike told her. He paused, then said, "Well, all right, maybe a little. But I mainly just wanted…I don't know, to get it off my chest, I suppose."

"That isn't what I wanted for you."

"I know. But I've gotten past it now. I don't drink to deal with my problems anymore, and I haven't touched drugs since. And, well, I guess I've learned I can live without you."

"I…I'm glad to hear that," Buffy replied, even if she couldn't really get the sentiment to fit with the last thing he'd said.

Spike cleared his throat. "Look, I've probably kept you awake long enough. Besides, Eve's asleep inside, and if she wakes up, she'll wonder where I am."

Buffy winced at the thought of another woman in Spike's bed. "Do you two live together?" she asked, unable to keep the question from tumbling out.

"No. She just spent the night. She only got back from filming yesterday, and we haven't had a lot of time together."

"Oh. Well, it's…good you're having that time then."

"Yeah." Spike coughed. "I'm going to go ahead and say good night. It was good talking to you again, Buffy."

"You, too," Buffy replied, her voice soft from her tears. "Good night."

Her only response from Spike was a click and the sound of a dial tone. Buffy put the phone down, then curled up in her bed again and cried against the pillow.

*** *** ***


Thanks again for all your support over the past few chapters. It's really helped in making me excited to work on this fic again—enough to let me write five rough drafts for new chapters in two days.
Chapter Fifty-One by Addie Logan
"Hey, Buffy, I'm home," Dawn announced as she walked into their apartment. She shut and locked the front door, dropped her bag on a chair, then went into the living room, where the sight of her sister made her stop short. Buffy was on the couch, two empty ice cream containers in front of her as she stared forward at the television. She was wearing old sweats and a stained t-shirt, her hair pulled up in a messy blonde ponytail, and her eyes rimmed with red from crying.

"Um, I'm going to go out on a limb here and say you're having a bad day."

Buffy looked up. "Hi, Dawn. And it was more like a bad night that made me not feel like having an actual day at all."

Dawn sat down on the couch. "Bad night? Did something happen with Robin?"

Buffy shook her head. "Not Robin. Everything's fine on the Robin front. Something happened with Spike."

"You saw Spike last night?" Dawn asked, her eyes growing wide.

"No, he called. We had a less-than-pleasant conversation back at the party, and he called for the follow-up."

"He called to yell at you?" Dawn asked.

"No, to talk. It's just that it was the first real conversation we've had since the break-up, and it was pretty heavy. More than I could really digest."

"Oh." Dawn looked down at where her hands were folded in her lap. "I'm sorry for telling you Eve wasn't going to be there when she actually was. I didn't know. Spike had said she was still going to be overseas, but I guess she got back early."

Buffy shrugged. "That's no big. Besides, I got to spill wine all over her dress, so it was kinda fun."

"That was you?" Dawn asked in surprise.

"It was totally an accident, I swear," Buffy replied, holding up her hands. "Just, y'know, not an accident I felt sorry for."

Dawn smirked. "I really don't get what Spike sees in her. I've been over at his place a few times when she's been there, and she's so obnoxious. She's always calling people 'kids.' What's up with that? She's like, not even thirty—where does she get off calling anyone a kid?"

"She kept calling me 'sweetheart,'" Buffy said. "But it was in this totally condescending way. Really made me want to slap her."

"Mom and Giles can't stand her. Especially Giles. Whenever anyone mentions her when Spike's not around, he starts polishing his glasses and making that clucking sound with his tongue he does sometimes."

"Really?" Buffy asked, surprised. "Mom seemed all buddy-buddy with her at the party."

"It's an act for Spike's sake," Dawn replied. "He's just really started coming around again, and they don't want to alienate him by totally hating on his girlfriend. But Giles is always calling her 'the actress' in this tone that reminds me of the way people say it in period-piece movies when they really mean prostitute."

Buffy couldn't help but laugh, despite her mood. "I can't say I'm not happy to hear that. I didn't want to, but I felt a little slighted when I thought Mom actually liked her."

"She doesn't." Dawn cleared her throat. "Actually, I think they're both a little disappointed you and Spike didn't make it. Once they both got over the whole you guys being their kids thing, I think they kind of liked the idea."

"Really? Huh."

"If you two are talking again, I hope you can work things out enough so you can actually be in each other's company now and then," Dawn said. "I love both of your guys, and it's been really hard over the past three years to keep you separate. I hate that I can't celebrate things like Christmas or my birthday with my whole family. In some ways, it was like going through the divorce all over again."

Buffy winced. "Dawnie, I'm really sorry about that. I didn't mean for things to get like this, and…"

"I know," Dawn replied, holding up her hand. "And I understand why you two needed space to begin with, but by now… Well, I just hope you can work things out to at least be civil. It would be nice—for everyone."

Buffy realized with more than a little guilt that she'd never really considered how her break-up with Spike had affected her family. She knew things had to be awkward for them at times, but not to the extent Dawn had just admitted to. "I wish you'd said something sooner, Dawnie. If I'd known you felt that way, I could've tried to fix things."

"It wasn't just you, Buffy," Dawn said. "Spike's been really, really bitter. Honestly, we were a little surprised he finally agreed to go to that party, knowing you'd be there. Mom had to prod him about it for weeks. She kept telling him how disappointed Giles would be if he didn't come."

Buffy hung her head. "Spike had every right to not want to see me."

"I'm sure you both had your reasons. I just want you both to be able to work through them now."

"So do I," Buffy admitted. "I… I miss him."

"Miss him enough to want him back?" Dawn asked, her tone and expression hopeful.

"I don't think that's going to happen," Buffy replied, shaking her head. "Spike and I have been broken up for three years—that's pretty much dead as far as a relationship is concerned."

"Not always," Dawn said. She looked down, tracing an invisible pattern on the sofa cushion for a moment before she started to speak again. "I never really got why you two broke up in the first place. I mean, you guys seemed so in love, and then bam—Spike's moving out and you two aren't speaking."

"We were in love, but sometimes, that's not enough. We…" Suddenly, Buffy stopped, her face crumbling before she could get her emotions back in check. For years, she'd resisted talking about the break-up with anyone, wanting to be strong and believe she'd done the right thing. Yet after talking with Spike the night before, she didn't think she could believe that anymore. Nothing seemed "right" at all, and all the pain she'd tried to bury for three years was bursting through to the surface, too strong for her to fight it anymore.

"I don't know what happened, Dawnie," Buffy said through her tears. "We were in love, and everything was so good, and then it was like we got caught up in something we couldn't stop. It all just snowballed until it was more than we could handle. Looking back on it, I don't know if any of it was something we really couldn't have dealt with if we had worked on it, but when everything hit at once, it seemed uncontrollably huge."

"So why can't you both work it out now, when you've had time and distance to put everything into perspective?"

Buffy wiped at her eyes, trying unsuccessfully to slow the flow of her tears. "Because some things can never be fixed. When I left—the way I left—it really hurt him. Besides, we've both moved on now. There's no place left to start over from."

"How do you know? You obviously still have feelings for him. Couldn't you at least try?"

"I can't," Buffy said, shaking her head. "I'm sorry, Dawn. I know you liked Spike and me together, but I can't. There's just too much now, and it can't ever be the way it used to be."

"But…"

"I don't want to discuss this anymore," Buffy said quickly, stopping her sister in mid-sentence. "It's not going to happen, and it hurts too much to even think about."

Dawn let the subject drop them—albeit with some reluctance. She knew she probably shouldn't have pried like that anyway, but it was hard for her not to where Buffy and Spike were concerned, especially since most of the time, Buffy was too closed off to give her a chance. Spike and Buffy were two of the people Dawn loved most in the world, and she'd never seen them as happy as when they were together. How could she not wish for them to have that again?

"I think I'm going to take a nap," Buffy said, stretching. "I didn't get a lot of sleep last night."

"Okay," Dawn replied. "I have some reading I need to catch up on before school tomorrow, so I'll be home for the rest of the day."

Buffy nodded. "I'll be up before too long, and I'll do something about dinner then."

"All right, Buffy."

Dawn watched as her older sister went into the bedroom, and wished there was something she could do to make things better again.

*** *** ***


It was Monday night before Spike called again—or more, accurately, Tuesday morning. Buffy answered the phone in a sleepy haze, and was surprised to hear his voice on the other end of the line.

"Spike, you do know we live in the same time zone, don't you?" Buffy asked, casting a bleary eye on her clock and seeing it was already after two in the morning.

"Yeah. I'm sorry. I know you probably have work in the morning, I just wanted to talk to you. But I can call back later, let you get some sleep now."

"No, it's all right," Buffy said, sitting up against her pillows. "I'm just always a little cranky when I first wake up."

"I remember," Spike replied, and Buffy could almost hear the smile in his voice.

"So did you have anything specific you wanted to talk about, or were you just calling?" Buffy asked.

"Just calling, I guess," Spike told her. "It's a little crazy, I know, but all of the sudden I had to hear your voice."

Her heart did a little flip in her chest as his admission. "Yeah?" she replied, hoping she really didn't sound as squeaky as she seemed to her own ears at the moment.

"Yeah. God, I've missed talking to you. For the longest time, something would happen, and I'd want to tell you, and for a moment I'd forget I couldn't anymore."

Buffy swallowed hard, knowing exactly what he'd meant. She'd done the same thing herself—was still doing it from time to time.

"Maybe I still can't," Spike began again before Buffy had a chance to respond. "Maybe I shouldn't be calling you like this, and really, I'm not entirely sure why I did, other than my brain couldn't seem to control my fingers and make them stop dialing your phone number." He laughed, though the sound held little mirth. "And I'm not drunk, in case you're wondering. Haven't had a bloody drop all day."

"I didn't think you were," Buffy told him, the words nothing but the truth.

They both fell into an uneasy silence, the only sound on the line that of their breathing, synchronized even with the distance between them. Buffy had so many things she wanted to say to him, questions to ask and apologies to make, but she couldn't seem to find the strength to form the words. The whole situation was as it had been the other time as well—surreal and leaving her at a loss.

"I've thought about you a lot," Spike said finally, breaking the silence that had become almost painful.

"Any of them good thoughts?" Buffy asked, trying to make her tone as light as possible. The mood was too heavy, too much for her to take without breaking down again.

Spike laughed, this time with a hint of uneasiness. "I'm not going to lie to you, pet. I've been angry and bitter where you're concerned. I know you feel like you did it for me, but you ripped my heart out nonetheless, and I spent a lot of time not able to do much more than hurt. But I never could think nothing but ill of you, Buffy. I loved you too much for that." He paused for a moment, taking a deep breath, then clearing his throat. "So yeah, some good thoughts in there. I used to wonder what you were doing and if you were happy. I was glad when I heard you'd finished with school. I used to worry I made you miss your chance there by dragging you across the country like I did."

"You didn't drag me across the country, Spike," Buffy replied, choosing the part of what he'd said she could handle enough to give a response. "I made the decision to come with you to L.A., and even with everything, it's not a decision I regret. It was hard leaving New York, but I've settled back in California, and I'm happy here. I feel like it allowed me to find the person I used to be and let her connect with who I am now."

"I noticed at the party you'd gone back to being all blonde and tan. Guess you did let your inner California girl out again," Spike commented.

Buffy frowned for a moment, trying to decipher his tone enough to figure out if he thought the blonde was a bad look for her. Did he prefer her as a brunette? Did he not think she was pretty anymore? She shook her head. Why did it matter what her ex-boyfriend thought of her appearance anyway?

"I did it shortly after we broke up," Buffy told him. "I'd sort of missed being a blonde."

"It suits you. Besides, I'm the last person to make any comments about someone getting into the bleach."

Despite the overall heavy mood of the conversation, Buffy giggled now. "True. Although you're not quite as bleachy as I remember. Your hair wasn't blinding me Saturday afternoon."

"Oi now. It was never 'blinding.' If anything, that was my dazzling smile."

"You just tell yourself whatever you want," Buffy replied.

"What, you didn't like my hair?"

"I never said that. I loved your hair, and you know it. But it was very…shiny."

"Wasn't shiny," Spike muttered, and Buffy had to smile. She could picture the way he'd be pouting now…

"Shiny hair's a good thing, you know," Buffy told him. "That's why they have all those 'extra shine' hair care products."

"Yeah, but not so shiny it's blinding."

"Oh, I'm just teasing you, you big baby. Did you go soft over the past three years?"

Suddenly, his voice dropped, taking on a husky quality Buffy hadn't heard in so long. "I'm never soft when it counts, luv. You of all people should know that."

Buffy's face immediately flamed as her body trembled. How could he do that—and why could he do it still?

"Cat got your tongue, Goldilocks?"

"You're evil," Buffy informed him, glaring even though she knew he couldn't see it over the phone.

Spike gave a low laugh, making a shiver run right up Buffy's spine. "Are you just now coming to this conclusion, luv?"

"No, I've known for years," Buffy replied, hoping she didn't sound quite how she felt at the moment. "I'm only reaffirming it."

"Good thing then."

They fell silent again, the bit of flirting winding down into another awkward pause. Buffy debated for a moment about what she should do. Should she end the conversation now, before she found herself getting in any deeper—although deeper into what she wasn't sure. And more importantly, did she actually want to get off the phone now?

"Tell me what you're up to these days, Buffy," Spike said, the huskiness gone from his voice.

His request made up her mind for her, and Buffy lay back down against her pillow, the phone cradled by her ear. "Not much of anything interesting," she replied.

"Tell me anyway. I want to know what I've missed."

"Well, okay, but if you called me for a cure to insomnia, then you're probably about to get it."

Spike chuckled. "Nothing about you could ever bore me, pet."

Buffy fought back the blush his words threaten to bring to her cheeks as she began to fill him in on the past three years of her life.

*** *** ***


Please take a moment to leave a review!
Chapter Fifty-Two by Addie Logan
"Buffy…Buffy, wake up."

Buffy's head shot up from her desk, and she glanced around the room wildly for a moment before she realized where she was—and who had woken her up. She blushed. "Oh, hi, Robin. Um…sorry about that. I didn't like, fall asleep and miss an appointment, did I?"

"No, you're fine. I was just a little worried about you. I've never seen you fall asleep at your desk before," Robin replied.

Buffy wiped at her mouth, grateful to find it drool-free. "I usually don't. I haven't been getting enough sleep lately, I guess."

"Are you feeling okay?" Robin asked with a frown. "Do you need to go home early?"

"No, I'm fine. Really. I think the impromptu nap took care of any extra sleepiness," Buffy replied, putting on her best smile in an effort to reassure Robin. After all, what was she supposed to tell him—that she was so tired because she'd stayed up until the wee hours in the morning three times in four days talking to her ex-boyfriend? Yeah, that was exactly the sort of thing the new guy would love to hear.

"Do you want me to go get you some caffeine from the teachers' lounge?"

Caffeine definitely sounded of the good. "Diet?"

Robin smiled. "You got it."

"Thanks."

As soon as Robin left her office, Buffy let her head hit her desk again, though this time, her eyes stayed open. Whatever this was going on with Spike was insane, and she knew she should stop it. She shouldn't be answering the phone every time he called, especially at such an uncivilized hour, and she certainly shouldn't be having conversations with him that seemed to be developing an ever-increasing intimacy.

She was beyond tired, the hours of sleep she'd gotten over the past few days probably small enough to count on her fingers. Now she was falling asleep at work, and while Robin was enough of a friend to be lenient, getting caught sleeping on the job by your boss was never a good thing.

Even more than that, however, was the strain this was starting to place on her emotions. No matter how she wanted things to be or even how she told people they were, the fact remained that she still had feelings for Spike. She'd loved him more than she knew she'd ever be able to love anyone else again, and she still hadn't been able to fully come to terms with losing him. She'd put her entire focus on school, then her job when their relationship had ended, needing a constant distraction from the pain she'd felt ever since Spike had left with her heart. Now, talking to him every night, it made the wounds open all over again and caused her to ache for what could have been.

For the last two phone calls, they'd kept their topics of conversation relatively safe, catching up on what they'd missed in each other's lives instead of focusing on the break-up and its aftermath. Yet Buffy knew the longer they talked, the more likely it was that conversation would start again—and then what would they say? Would it pry open old wounds? Would it create new ones?

The whole situation had the makings of a mess, and Buffy knew she shouldn't be carrying on like this. Being on speaking terms with Spike again was good she knew—especially since they did still share family—but even if they both called this "innocent" it was too close to a line for her to allow it to continue. She knew Robin wouldn't like the idea of her in bed late at night talking to her ex, and she doubted Eve would be thrilled with the prospect either—though she couldn't seem to muster up a lot of caring about that last part.

Buffy knew she needed to tell Spike to stop calling her like he had been. They could be on speaking terms again, sure, but not like this. Not in a way that would make her feel like this. She'd had a hard enough time moving on when she hadn't been talking to him on a daily basis, and now she was setting herself up for the opportunity to make all of her pain a little worse. So not what she needed.

Yet Buffy also knew there was no way in hell she was going to be able to tell Spike not to call anymore. She was weak, she was pathetic, and she really wanted to keep talking to him.

Maybe it would be okay as long as she limited it to phone contact only. Was there really that much harm in simple telephone conversations? Perhaps she could remind Spike that most of the world didn't keep musician's hours and get him to call her at more reasonable times. Then, she wouldn't be falling asleep at work anymore, but they could still talk. That was fair, wasn't it?

With a groan, Buffy let her forehead hit the hard wood of her desk yet again. She didn't need to worry about her heart getting involved in these nightly chats of theirs—it already was.

She heard Robin coming back down the hall and sat up with a smile, smoothing down her hair and resolving not to think about Spike anymore.

Buffy wondered how long she could pretend such a resolution had any chance of succeeding.

*** *** ***


"You're leaving again?"

Spike looked at Eve as she stood up from the couch and put her hands firmly on her hips. He'd been expecting this, really, but that didn't make him want to deal with it any more. "Sorry, pet. I have an early morning radio interview, and my place is a lot closer to the station than yours."

"I know that's an excuse, Spike," Eve snapped. "Just like the ones you've had every night this week. Who's bed are you leaving mine for, huh?"

Spike jumped up from the couch and held his hands out in front of him. "Whoa, Evie, I'm not cheating on you. I've just been real busy with promoting the new album, is all."

"I don't believe you. It's her, isn't it? It's Buffy."

"What? No! Why would you think that?" Spike replied, hoping his guilt wasn't coming through in his denial. Granted, he hadn't actually done anything with Buffy, but he knew Eve wouldn't see it that way if she knew about the phone calls—and the truth about how they'd had more than a little to do with why he'd wanted to be alone every night. He'd known from the first one that Eve would see it as a betrayal, and yet he'd kept calling Buffy, sharing with her more of what he'd felt and been through over the past few years than he ever had with his current girlfriend.

"Why would I think that? Gee, maybe because your incredibly weird behavior started right after your father's party—where you saw Buffy again for the first time in three years? Am I supposed to believe that's a coincidence?"

"It is, pet," Spike insisted, reaching out to take Eve's hands off her hips and hold them in his. "The new album hits store shelves next week, and I've been caught up in a publicity whirlwind. It's worn me out."

Eve pouted, Spike's soft tone and touch staving off her anger but not placating her completely. "I've missed you, sweetie. I barely saw you at all when I was filming, and now that I'm back, it's like we're still on opposite sides of the world."

"I know, but…"

Eve moved closer, pressing her body against his. "Stay with me tonight. You can still make your interview in the morning. Please, Spike?"

Spike looked down into Eve's eyes while he tried to make his decision. He knew if he left now to go home and call Buffy, he'd be betraying Eve—so why did it feel like Buffy was the one he'd truly be betraying? He and Buffy were over, and even if she'd given him a reason for why she'd done it, she'd still dumped him three years before. He'd had to move on, had to make himself live without her so he could put the pieces of his life back together once she'd shattered his heart. Eve had been the first woman since Buffy to make him feel anything, and even if he knew it could never truly be what he felt for Buffy, it was something. On the other hand, simply talking to Buffy every night would never be enough, and yet he knew he couldn't hand her his heart all over again. How could he trust her enough to let her back in when she'd been able to crush him like that because of fear of what other people would think? How could he have not meant more to her than that?

"Yeah, I'll stay," Spike said, smiling at Eve even through the oddly heartsick sensation he was suddenly feeling.

"I knew I could make you see reason," Eve replied, winking before she led Spike off to the bedroom.

*** *** ***


Buffy lay awake, her eyes wide open even as she told herself over and over again she should be asleep. It was three in the morning, and she had to be up for work in a little over two hours. As exhausted as she was, why was she still awake?

Spike hadn't called, and no matter how she tried not to care, she did. Granted, he hadn't exactly told her he was going to call her every night—hadn't even said he'd talk to her soon when he'd hung up last—but he had for two nights in a row now, and she'd thought maybe it had become established that he would.

Only that was a silly thing to think, Buffy knew. Spike had his own life, and he couldn't exactly be expected to spend every night talking on the phone to his ex. He had friends, a job that sometimes required him to stay out very late, and a girlfriend he was bound to want to spend time with.

Her last thought made Buffy wince. Was that why Spike hadn't called? Was he with Eve? Had he spent the night with her?

The thought of Spike touching another woman right then made tears rise unbidden to Buffy's eyes. She knew she had no right to be jealous, but god, she was. There had been a time when she'd believed with all of her heart that Spike's touch would be reserved for her and her alone for the rest of their lives, yet in the end, that hadn't been the case at all. His touch was for Eve now, and all Buffy could have was his voice.

And it seemed tonight she couldn't even have that much.

The phone never rang, yet Buffy found herself getting no sleep that night.

*** *** ***


Spike wasn't sure what worried him more—the fact that what had just happened to him—for the first time in his entire life—was very near the top of the list of the most horrifying things that could happen to a man, or the way when Eve had come to the conclusion nothing she could do was going to change things, she'd jumped out of bed and started pacing angrily.

"I'm sorry, pet. I…I told you I was tired," Spike said softly, trying to offer an explanation even as the growing sick feeling inside of him told him this had nothing to do with being tired. As Buffy had once demonstrated, he didn't exactly need to be fully awake for that

"Don't try to placate me!" Eve snapped, stopping her pacing to whirl around and turn her angered glare on him. "I know why you can't get it up, Spike, and it has nothing to do with being tired."

Spike ran his hand through his hair. "Look, baby, this promotion thing, it really does have me drained…"

"Bullshit!" Eve yelled. "This is about her, and we both know it, Spike."

She was right. Spike knew she was right. If Buffy had been in the room right then, he had no doubt he'd have no problem getting anything up. He hated it, but it was still the truth.

"No, it's not about her. I want you, pet. Really, I do."

"If you wanted me, Spike, you'd be inside me right now," Eve replied. "I remember when we first met, listening to the way you talked about her—like she was the most wonderful woman ever to grace the earth. God, what does it take to make you look at me the way I saw you looking at her at that party? Because I saw, Spike. Maybe you didn't think I was looking, but I was."

"Eve, I wasn't…"

"Don't lie to me! Just tell me what I have to do?"

"Eve…" Spike tried again.

"You want me to pretend to be your sister? Would that fuel whatever sick little fantasies you need to get off?" Eve sneered.

Spike reeled back, Eve's words hitting him almost like a physical blow. He got out of the bed, angrily pulling his clothes back on, and refusing to look at her.

Suddenly, Eve's hand was on his shoulder. "Spike, wait. I'm sorry I said that. I didn't mean it. I…I was just upset. Please don't go like this."

Spike still didn't turn towards her. "I think I need to right now."

"I sorry, sweetie. I really didn't mean it. I love you, Spike."

He sighed heavily. "Look, Eve, this night is shot. I'm going home, and I'll call you later."

"I'm sorry," Eve said again, her eyes brimming with tears.

"I know. Good night."

Spike walked out of Eve's bedroom and headed straight for the front door.

*** *** ***


Please review!
Chapter Fifty-Three by Addie Logan
Buffy hated the rush of relief she felt when Spike called again. She should have been relieved when he didn't call, should've hoped all of this was over now so she could go back to her regularly scheduled life from before these confusing yet apparently addictive phone calls.

"I'm sorry I didn't call last night, luv."

Spike's apology made Buffy's heart flip, but she tried to play it off. "It's no big. I know you've got a life and all."

"Not much of one, really," Spike muttered.

"Well, I guess not if you can spend most of your nights talking to your ex."

"Buffy, why did we break up?"

Buffy started, his question throwing her completely off guard. "I… Spike, I told you why I ended things."

On the other end of the line, Spike sighed heavily. "That wasn't really what I meant. I'm not even sure there's a real answer. It's just… We were so bloody happy, Buffy. I know we were. And then things…it all fell apart."

"I know. It was all so quick." Buffy took a deep breath, then slowly let it out, the air hitching a bit as she did. "Spike? Did I…was I doing something wrong? In the relationship, I mean."

Spike didn't say anything for a moment, and Buffy felt her heart drop. She'd spent more time than was probably healthy over the past three years worrying about what she'd done to help build the wedge that had formed between them. She could still remember their argument the morning after she came back from Sunnydale and Spike's assertion she made it everything all about her. She'd never been able to figure out what he meant by that, and the question continued to plague her.

"You didn't do anything exactly wrong, Buffy."

Well, she couldn't label his answer as a categorical denial. "But I wasn't doing something right. You told me once I made it all about me—what did you mean when you said that?"

Spike sighed again. "I don't really want to talk about this."

"You're the one who brought it up," Buffy replied. "You're the one who asked where we went wrong. Well, I want to know, too."

Spike was silent on his end of the line, but Buffy decided she wasn't going to let this go. Like Spike, she didn't really want to talk about any of this, but it was something that had bothered her now for years. Maybe if she could finally understand it, she could put it all behind her.

"Spike, please, just tell me what you meant."

"I wasn't always sure you loved me."

Buffy froze, his response not at all what she'd expected, yet something she'd feared enough not to be completely surprised. She'd worried time and time again that she wasn't showing Spike enough love, and she guessed now she'd been right about it.

"No, that isn't really true," Spike said, bringing him Buffy's full attention again. "I knew you loved me, Buffy. I guess it was more I wasn't always certain how much you really liked me. I knew you needed me, or the support I could provide at least, but… God, even thinking this makes me feel like a selfish git."

"No, Spike, it's okay. Just tell me, please?" Buffy prodded.

"I wanted to support you, Buffy—I did. I liked being the one who could be there for you, but sometimes, well, I needed a little support, too."

Buffy knew she'd asked for his honesty, but it was difficult to take all the same. "I didn't support you?" she asked in a small voice.

"You had your own troubles, pet. I don't blame you for not wanting to deal with mine, too."

"Spike, I…I didn't know."

"You never asked."

"You never told me!"

"It's not like it wasn't bloody obvious! Whenever I saw you in pain, I came to you, tried to help, held you. You never even seemed to care when it was me. You never offered me support, Buffy."

"I moved all the way out to California for you!"

"And then what? Did you care what I was doing all day, what was going on with the album? Did you even notice how much pressure I was under? And even beyond that, did you show any interest in what I was doing? I know your mother was sick, and I'm not begrudging you that, but even when you were home you didn't care one way or another about how anything was going in my life."

"That isn't true! I didn't want to bother you, Spike. I didn't want to be the girlfriend who always got in the way. But I supported you. I did. All I wanted was for you to be successful, and I didn't think you could be that with me always hovering by your side!"

"But I wanted you by my side. I wanted you by my side for everything! Nothing mattered to me unless I had you there, and then you left and took everything away from me!"

Spike had begun genuinely yelling, yet his last accusation faded into silence. Buffy was stunned. She'd never thought of herself as unsupportive, though now she realized Spike had a point.

"I didn't mean to be that way," she said softly. "I thought I was doing what I was supposed to." Tears filled her eyes, and she let them fall, knowing there wasn't any way for her to stop them. "I'm so sorry, Spike. I had no idea you were feeling that way. I don't know how to be like you. I don't know how to be everything for someone else. I was trying, I swear I was, and if I'd known you were feeling that way… God, Spike, if I'd known…"

"Don't cry now, luv. It still breaks my heart when you cry. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have put all of that on you."

"No, you should have. I needed to know what you were feeling back then. But believe me when I say I never meant to make you feel that way. I loved you so much. I never wanted to hurt you, and I never wanted you to feel like you were anything but important to me."

"I know. They're probably just my own issues." Spike let out a deep breath. "Look, it's late, and I shouldn't be keeping you up like this all the time. I'm sorry. Good night, Buffy."

"Spike, wait, I…"

Before she could finish her sentence, the dial tone started in her ear, and Buffy turned off the phone with a sigh. She'd wanted her answer, and now she had it—and a lot to think about as well.

*** *** ***


The following afternoon, Buffy stood outside of Robin's office, urging her nerves to stop their jumping. As much as she wanted to be avoid-o girl where this was concerned, she knew what she had to do.

She liked Robin, but she knew nothing was going to happen between them, at least in the immediate future. He had told her he didn't mind waiting for as long as it took her to be ready, but Buffy had no idea how long that would be—if ever. It wasn't fair of her to make him keep waiting, however willing to do so he may claim to be. It was time for her to do the mature thing and cut him loose.

The bottom line was simple—her heart wasn't free. Her recent conversations with Spike were making that increasingly obvious.

She still didn't know what—if anything—would come of what was happening between her and Spike, but things were too confusing for her to try to sort all of that out and have a relationship with someone else, too.

Her nerves finally settled enough, Buffy knocked on the door and waited for Robin to call to her to come in.

"Buffy," Robin said as she walked in and shut the door behind her. "I thought you'd already gone home for the day." Then, he caught the look on her face and frowned. "And why do I suddenly get the feeling this is a bad thing?"

"I can't see you anymore. In a non-professional capacity anyway," Buffy said, getting right to the point. She had no desire to drag this out.

"I thought you might be about to tell me that," Robin replied as he got up and walked around to the front of his desk. "Are you at least going to give me a reason?"

"I just can't do this right now," Buffy explained. "My emotions are all in a jumble, and I know you said you'd wait for me to sort them out, but I don't know when that's going to be, and in the meantime, I'm not even sure that's something I can do while I'm trying to build a relationship with you. I'm sorry."

"Just answer me one thing."

"I'll try," Buffy replied, doing her best to mask her nervousness. Robin's face was impassive, making it impossible for her to gauge how exactly he was taking this.

"Does this have anything to do with Spike?"

Buffy took a deep breath. How could she answer that question?

She decided to go with the truth.

"Yes, but I'm not seeing him or anything like that. We've just been talking—on the phone—since the party, and it's stirred up a lot of old stuff. Spike and I had a really ugly, really sudden break-up, and talking to him again has just underscored how much I never truly healed from it all."

"So now you need time to heal?"

Buffy nodded. "Can you be okay with that?"

Robin nodded back. "I can. I really like you, Buffy, but if you feel like you can't be in this relationship, then I'm not going to try to push you. And I do appreciate your honesty."

"I didn't want to lie to you or string you along," Buffy replied.

"Thank you for that."

Buffy took a step back towards the door. "I'm just going to go then, okay?"

"Yeah, okay." Robin waited until Buffy was almost out the door before he called to her. "Buffy?"

She turned. "Yes?"

"Do you think there could ever be a chance for us in the future?"

"I really don't know the answer to that right now. I'm sorry."

Robin was still for a moment, then he nodded. "It's okay. I understand. I'll see you Monday, Buffy—in a professional capacity, of course."

Buffy was already dreading the awkwardness… "All right. Have a good weekend, Robin."

"You, too."

Buffy hurried out of his office and down the hall before he could call her back again.

*** *** ***


Buffy's mind was in a tizzy. Breaking it off with Robin had been the right thing to do she knew, but at the same time, she couldn't help but wonder what it was going to mean now for their working relationship. And then there was her conversation with Spike the night before… To say it was an eye-opener would've been a severe understatement.

Never had she thought of herself as being unsupportive of Spike. If anything, she'd thought she'd been very supportive. How many women encouraged their boyfriends to stay in a bar band instead of getting a real job, even when they had a hard time making ends meet? How many would've dropped out of school and traveled all the way across the country just to make sure all those nights in a bar band had paid off?

Music had been important to Spike for as long as she'd known him, and Buffy had done everything she could to help him achieve his goals. She'd even forced herself to end the relationship in order to make sure she wouldn't keep him from achieving the stardom he deserved.

Yet now it seemed that hadn't been the sort of support he'd wanted from her at all. Even with knowing why she'd truly left, Spike didn't think she should've done it. He had fame now, yet he still seemed to think she'd meant more to him than any of it. So what had he wanted from her? What had it been that she'd been unable to give him? She knew there was truth in what Spike was saying. In a way, she'd felt it even then, though she hadn't been able to face it, but she still couldn't figure out exactly what she should've done differently.

Would it have been enough to spend more time at the studio? Should she have just asked him about his day more? Asked him how he was feeling? Could things as small as that have set the course of their relationship back on track before it had become a complete wreck?

She couldn't keep telling herself she'd done the right thing by leaving. Part of her had always known that was a lie, but now, the lie was too hollow to offer her any comfort. But what would have been the right thing?

It was a question that had plagued all day her as she kept reliving moments from their relationship in her head, coming up with ways she could've done things better, made Spike feel as supported and loved as he'd always made her feel. So many things could've been done differently, and they were weighing on her all now.

Buffy had started thinking maybe a long, hot bath was in order when she heard a knock at her door. She frowned, knowing she hadn't been expecting company, and wondered if maybe Dawn had forgotten her keys again.

However, a quick look through the peephole let her know it wasn't Dawn, and dread began to curl in Buffy's stomach. The person standing outside her door now was the last one she'd ever expected to see there, and she knew without a doubt nothing good could come from this.

Because standing outside her door, was Eve Hart.

*** *** ***


A few people seem to think Buffy and Spike have been taking too long in this part of the fic to get back together. I know it's probably seemed like a long time since I posted the first chapter following the three year gap in the story about a month ago, but please bear in mind that for Buffy and Spike, it's been less than a week. The party where they saw each other again was on Saturday—this is now Friday afternoon. Honestly, given that time frame, they're moving very quickly. Buffy's worked every day since the party except Sunday, and Spike's been busy promoting the new album, yet they've still found the time to talk to each other for three out of the past four days. Also, Spike still being involved with Eve does not mean he doesn't know he loves Buffy more or that he just wants to keep someone around to sleep with (I was honestly quite surprised to see someone actually suggest that, seeing as the last chapter should've made it quite clear that he doesn't want that from Eve). It just wouldn't have been very realistic for him to immediately turn around and break things off with his girlfriend, especially considering he's still trying to get over his anger towards Buffy in light of recent revelations.

Furthermore, Spike is not in love with Eve, yet he's been trying to move on because he thought he couldn't have Buffy—something I really don't think he should be faulted for. It doesn't weaken what he feels for Buffy because he started dating again—after all, he saw what Buffy did as callously ripping his heart out. It took him a couple of years to even consider dating someone seriously, and his relationship with Eve hasn't been particularly long either—they've been together for six months, and for three of those, she was out of the country. No, Spike does not know just how much of a bitch Eve can be; she did everything she could to charm him so she could get what she wanted. He's not being shallow and only paying attention to his sex drive—he made a bad relationship choice, and was fooled by someone pretending to be something she's not, which can happen to the best of us.

I know a few of you are getting frustrated with both of these issues, but please, try to keep in mind the time frame as well as look at Spike's decision not to immediately ditch Eve rationally. Of course we all want Spike and Buffy to get back together, but when it happens (and it will very soon, I promise!), I want it to be in a way that's satisfactory and allows them to stay together—not a quick fix that ignores all the problems that broke them up in the first place.

Please review!
Chapter Fifty-Four by Addie Logan
The last thing Buffy wanted to do was have a conversation with Eve. All it could do was add to the mess that was her emotions, and that wasn't something she needed. Still, the surprise of the situation also made her curiosity strong, and she opened the door.

"Hello, Eve. I certainly didn't expect you to drop by," Buffy said with a smile she knew the other woman would never mistake for genuine.

"Well, I certainly won't be here for long," Eve replied as she took off her oversized sunglasses and pushed into Buffy's apartment. "This is going to be a brief chat."

Buffy raised an eyebrow, her arms crossed in front of her. "Then cut to the chase."

"I'm not an idiot," Eve said, her eyes set squarely on Buffy. "I know there's something going on between you and Spike. But it's stopping right now."

"Eve, if you came all the way over here to stop some affair you think I'm having with Spike, then you've really wasted your time," Buffy replied.

"Funny, I don't think so," Eve said. "I don't think this is a waste of my time at all, because I think you've found some way to work yourself back into his life. It would be pretty sweet, wouldn't it, giving up your sad little job as a school shrink to play with a rock star."

Buffy scoffed. "You are so off base."

Eve smiled almost cruelly. "Listen, sweetie. Spike is with me. I have too much riding on this to let Spike run off with someone like you. So just turn off the charm or whatever it is you're doing to get his attention and realize I'm never going to let you win."

"Win? I'm not playing a game."

"It's all a game, sweetie," Eve replied. "Maybe you don't get it with your sad, normal little life, but when you're playing in the big leagues, you see what's important. It's all about image, about who sees what and what they say about it. You're just some nobody no one even knows, but me? I'm America's Sweetheart, Buffy. I'm the woman every other woman wants to be and who all the men want to be with. Lindsey tried to ruin that for me, but I didn't let him—and I'll be damned before I let you take any of it away from me."

"So you're a big movie star. So what? What does Spike have to do with any of that?" Buffy asked.

"You still don't get it, princess. How bad can I be if I can turn a rock star away from his life of debauchery?"

Buffy's jaw fell and she stared at Eve for a moment before asking, "Is that all you're doing? Is that all Spike is to you—a publicity stunt?"

"No," Eve replied quickly, seeming nervous for a moment before she regained her composure. "But this world we live in, it's all spin and image, sweetie—and I'm never going to allow myself to lose what I've worked for. So just consider yourself warned. If you don't stay away from Spike, you will regret it. Everything clear?"

Buffy's eyes narrowed to angry green slits. "Get out of my home."

"Don't be an idiot, Buffy. As low as your life is now, it could always get lower."

"I said get out."

Eve replaced her sunglasses back over her eyes. "He won't be yours again," she said before turning and walking out of the apartment.

Buffy slammed the door behind her and locked it. She began to pace her living room, her whole body trembling. How dare Eve come there and say those things?

She stopped abruptly, her eyes on the phone. If she did what she was thinking of now, would it just be because of jealousy? Was she trying to sabotage Spike's relationship because she didn't like Eve? What if they really were happy, and Eve had done that only because she had felt threatened? Buffy could understand that…

But Spike was her friend, wasn't he? Or at least someone she cared deeply for. It wasn't selfish to tell him what she'd just heard, was it? Didn't he have a right to know?

Buffy picked up the phone, gripping it tightly in her hand as she tried to decide what she should do.

With a deep breath, she made up her mind. Even if he didn't want to hear it, Spike needed to know what kind of woman he was truly involved with.

Every ring made Buffy a little more nervous. She still wasn't completely sure she should be doing this, and had just about come to the conclusion she should just hang up when the ringing stopped.

"Hello?"

The sound of Spike's voice sent her into a panic. What was she going to say to him? Hi, I think your girlfriend's using you as a publicity stunt? Was there any way to really work that into a conversation?

"Is anyone there?"

He'd answered the phone, and now she had to either respond or hang up like a high school girl who was too nervous to actually talk to her crush, but just wanted to hear his voice.

She took a deep breath, let it out, and spoke. "Hey, Spike. It's Buffy."

"Buffy?" Spike paused for a moment, then asked, "Are you all right, luv? You sound upset."

Buffy moved to the couch and sat down, her legs feeling wobbly. "I'm… Eve was just over here."

"What?! That… Buffy, I'm sorry she did that. I can't believe she'd… What did she say to you to get you so upset, sweetheart?"

"That's why I called," Buffy replied. "This may not be my place, I don't know, but she said some things I thought you should be aware of."

"What did she say, Buffy?" Spike asked, his tone even and serious.

"She said some things that made it sound like maybe your relationship was, well, mainly PR for her." Buffy grimaced. She didn't like this at all.

Spike was silent for several moments before he gave a response. "What exactly did she say?"

Buffy's words came out in a rush. "I can't really remember word for word, the whole thing happened so fast and it had me on edge, but she said she was 'America's Sweetheart,' and that she'd almost lost that after her divorce, but she'd got it back by cleaning up a rock star. I asked her point blank if you were a publicity stunt, and she told me no, but then she said everything was all spin and image, and she wasn't going to lose what she worked for. She was warning me to stay away from you, but she seemed more worried about tarnishing her image than actually losing you."

Again, Spike was silent, though Buffy could hear him breathing on the other end of the line and knew he was still there. Dread curled in her stomach, and she worried that she might have ruined whatever sort of friendship she and Spike had been reforming. What if he felt she had overstepped her bounds and was trying to manipulate him out of his relationship? Or what if he knew Eve was using their publicity to help her career and he didn't care?

"I need to go," Spike said suddenly, breaking Buffy out of her worried thoughts. "I'll talk to you later."

"Are you upset with me?"

"No. I just need to go."

Before Buffy could ask anything else, the line was dead, and she felt her worry grow. Spike said he wasn't upset, but he'd hung up so abruptly, without saying much of anything, so what was she supposed to think?

Buffy turned off her phone as she began to seriously question whether or not she'd just done the right thing.

*** *** ***


Spike stared at his phone, now on the coffee table in front of him, as he tried to sift through what he was feeling. His first reaction to what Buffy had told him had been shock, mixed with more than a little bit of denial.

Eve wouldn't use him, would she? She couldn't do that to him…

Only the more he thought about it, the more Spike began to think maybe she could. It made an uncomfortable sort of sense when he thought over their relationship.

And then the shock and doubt became anger.

He drove straight to Eve's house, the security guard at the front gate letting him in without question. He went inside, ignoring the looks he got from the servants as he bounded up the stairs, bellowing Eve's name.

A few moments later, Eve stepped out into the hallway, making Spike come to an abrupt stop. "Spike? Sweetheart, what are doing here?"

Spike shook his head, his jaw ticking. "Don't play dumb with me. We both know why I'm here."

Still, Eve feigned innocence. "I don't…"

"Then let me refresh your memory. You had a little chat with Buffy this afternoon, told her to stay away from me so nothing would happen to your precious little career. Ringing any bells?"

Eve gasped. "What? Spike, if she told you that, then she's either trying to manipulate you or she's delusional."

Spike advanced on Eve, making her take a step back, her eyes widening. "No more games," he said. "No more playing me. I want you to tell me right here, right now, if you used me to get your career back on track after your divorce."

"Spike, I wouldn't…"

"I said, no more games, Eve, and I bloody meant it. So drop your innocent act. It's insulting to both of us."

Immediately, Eve's expression changed, grew harder. "Everyone uses each other, Spike. It's the way of the world."

"No. Not everyone," Spike replied.

"Yes, they do! What, can you honestly stand there and tell me you didn't use this relationship, too? You were having all sorts of problems with your image, and then we got together, and suddenly you're one half of the hottest couple around!"

"I never cared about that!" Spike insisted. "I never once cared about my image. People either liked me, or they didn't, but I wasn't going to try to manipulate them one way or another through who I was dating."

Eve scoffed. "Oh come on. You can't honestly be that naïve, William."

"No, not anymore," Spike said as he turned around and began to walk off.

Eve ran after him, grabbing his arm and pulling him back to stop him. "Where are you going?"

Spike turned and met her eyes. "Where does it look like I'm going? I'm leaving you. It was bad enough, what you said to me the other night, but this…"

"No," Eve said, shaking her head. "You can't do that."

Spike wrenched his arm away from her. "Watch me."

He walked down the stairs and out of Eve's house, never once looking back.

*** *** ***


Buffy almost called Spike back more than once, but stopped herself every time. If she'd already upset him with her first call, then a second one wouldn't help matters.

Still, the more time that went by, the more she worried. She thought Dawn might have been able to calm her down, convince her Spike had just needed time to think after what she'd told him about Eve or something like that, but Dawn wasn't home, which left Buffy on her own to worry.

After not having Spike in her life for three years, the thought of losing him again—even if all they shared now was phone calls—terrified her. She didn't want Spike gone from her life, not now and really, not ever. She'd missed him, and knowing he wasn't so far removed from her anymore made her happier than she'd been in a long time.

Buffy was tired of trying to tell herself they were better off if they didn't have any contact at all. The rift between them had hurt her family, had hurt her, and had definitely hurt Spike. And now, she couldn't even try to tell herself he was better off with Eve, since clearly, Eve didn't love Spike the way Buffy knew he deserved to be loved.

So where did that all leave her? She knew for certain she wanted Spike back in her life—the panic she was feeling now at the thought of not having him made that abundantly clear. But what she didn't know was in what capacity she wanted him there. She couldn't say she didn't still love him or that she didn't still want him, but she didn't know if that meant anything anymore. She'd hurt Spike to the point where he may not ever be able to trust her again. And even if he could, was there anything left for them to go back to anymore?

Was it possible to pick up the pieces again three years after a relationship had shattered?

Buffy jumped at the sound of a sharp knock at the door, then felt a wave of dread. What if Eve had come back? She was so not in the mood to deal with that woman—not then, and truly, not ever again.

However, when she looked out the peephole, she saw it wasn't Eve—it was Spike. Her heart did a flip as elation warred with worry. She hadn't seen him face to face since his father's party, and his presence now came as a shock. What if he was here because he wanted to yell at her in person for trying to drive a wedge between him and Eve and was about to tell her he wanted her back out of his life?

Buffy breathed in deeply. She'd never get her answer if she didn't open the door.

And then get her answer, she did. Without a word, Spike stepped into the apartment and grabbed her, kissing her hard enough to make her head spin. After three years away from him, Buffy felt starved for his touch, and she wrapped her arms around him, reaching up to tangle her fingers in his hair as Spike deepened the kiss, his tongue coming out to meet hers.

Buffy melted in his arms, giving into the feeling of kissing him again.

*** *** ***


Please review!
Chapter Fifty-Five by Addie Logan
Almost as soon as he'd started kissing her, Spike stopped and pulled away, leaving Buffy panting. He took a step back from her. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that."

"I…" Buffy stopped for a moment, regaining control of herself. "What was that all about, Spike?"

"I don't know," Spike said as he started pacing in front of the still-open door. "I just saw you, and…it seemed like the thing to do."

Buffy knew Spike well enough to know he was upset about something. She still didn't know what to make of that kiss, but she did know the best way to figure it out was to take things slow for the moment.

"Why don't you go sit on the couch, okay?

Spike said nothing, only did as Buffy suggested and sat down on the couch. Buffy closed and locked the door before she joined him.

"What's going on?" she asked gently, unable to stop herself from resting her hand against his arm. He obviously needed comfort, and touch had always been the best way to give it to him.

"You were right about Eve." Spike looked upwards and laughed, though there was no joy in the sound. "God, I feel like such an idiot."

"It's not your fault, Spike," Buffy said as she caressed the top of his arm through the cotton of his shirt.

"Yeah, it is. I should've learned by now. I shouldn't have been foolish enough to think this time was going to be any different."

"What do you mean by that?"

Spike sighed at her question. "I don't want to get into this with you."

"Then why are you here?"

"I don't bloody know. Maybe I shouldn't be." Spike started to get up, but Buffy grabbed hold of his arm and pulled him back down before he could leave.

"No. You had to have come here for some reason, so don't run out on me now."

Spike fell back against the couch with another sigh. "I don't know, Buffy. I just went over to Eve's, got into it with her, and then when I left, I wanted to see you." He pointed towards the front door. "And don't ask me what happened over there when I came in, 'cause I don't know."

"Can you at least tell me what you meant when you said you should've known it wouldn't be different with Eve, because I think you could give me an answer to that."

He didn't respond for a moment, then finally he said, "Fine. You want to know what I meant, I'll tell you. Every bloody time I get into a relationship, I know the woman's never really going to love me. Not enough to stay anyway. But every sodding time I delude myself into thinking it's actually going to be different."

"I loved you," Buffy said softly.

Spike scoffed. "You loved me… You left me. Things got rough, you found yourself a convenient excuse, and you bailed. Gave me a nice lit' pity fuck and sent me on my merry way."

Buffy's jaw dropped. "Is that what you really think? That wasn't what it was at all, Spike. And for the record, that was not a 'pity fuck.'"

"Then what the hell was it if it wasn't a quickie to soften the blow, huh?"

"It wasn't that! It wasn't even for you. It was for me. I didn't plan on it, but then you came home, and I saw you, and I couldn't stand the thought of never touching you again. And maybe it was selfish, but I knew I was saying good-bye, and already it made my arms ache knowing you weren't going to be in them anymore." Buffy wiped at the tears on her cheeks.

"I loved you, Spike, more than I've ever loved anyone in my entire life. Breaking up with you was the hardest thing I've ever had to do, but I felt like I had to."

"Yeah, well, you didn't," Spike snapped.

"I know." Buffy looked down at her hands, now resting in her lap. "It's a mistake I've had to live with every day for three years."

At her admission, anything Spike had been prepared to say died in his throat. "You know it was a mistake?" he asked, sounding suddenly vulnerable.

"Of course I do! Look at us, Spike. Neither one of us is exactly happy, and it's because of something I did." Her voice dropped to almost a whisper. "I'm just not sure it's a mistake that can be fixed."

Spike swallowed before he admitted, "Neither am I."

Silence filled the living room for a long while, neither of them sure of what to say or able to look at the other. Buffy knew what her heart wanted, but her mind knew that was probably less real life and more fairy tale—and her life had never been one of those.

When the silence became too much, she finally asked in a small voice, "Where do we go from here?"

Spike answered her question honestly. "I don't know. I still love you, Buffy. I probably always will. But I'm not sure we could move forward with a relationship after the way things ended and with how much time has passed since then."

"I know. Me, too."

Spike regarded her for a moment, studying her face. "Do you still love me?"

Her response came without hesitation: "Yes." Though almost as soon as she had spoken, she gave a resigned sigh. "But like you said, I'm not sure there's any real way to move forward from here."

A beat passed between them before Spike said, "So, friends then?"

Buffy knew as well as he did that trying to make what was between them into a friendship would never be enough, but she also knew it was that or nothing, and she couldn't take nothing anymore. Maybe this way there would no longer be a wedge in the middle of their blended family at least.

"Friends," she agreed.

Spike got to his feet, and this time, Buffy didn't stop him. "I should get going," he said.

"Are you going to call tonight?" Buffy asked.

Spike shook his head. "I don't think so."

"Oh. Okay."

Spike saw the disappointment on her face. "I'll call you again, pet. I just need a little time to think, is all."

Buffy gave a small smile. It was the first time he'd called her anything but her actual name since he'd come over that evening, and that alone was enough to make her feel a little better.

"I will call you," Spike promised before he started towards the door. He stopped before leaving, however, and turned back around to look at her. "Thank you for telling me what Eve said."

"I wasn't trying to sabotage your relationship or anything like that," Buffy told him. "I just couldn't stand the thought of her using you like that."

"I know. And I appreciate it." Spike gave her a small nod. "Have a good night, Buffy."

"You, too, Spike."

With that, he was gone, and Buffy couldn't stop herself from crying again as soon as the door was shut.

*** *** ***


Once she'd finally stopped crying, Buffy began to pace the living room. The last few days had left her feeling drained, and she didn't know which end was up anymore.

She stopped in mid-pace when she heard yet another knock at the door, and her stomach filled with dread. Was it Eve, coming to screech at her for calling Spike? Buffy really didn't think she could handle that on top of everything else right now…

Still, she answered the door, deciding she would face whatever was on the other side.

As soon as the door was open, Spike stepped into the apartment without waiting for an invitation. He turned to Buffy, a worried look in his eyes, and announced, "I want a drink. Or, really several of them."

Buffy's eyebrow arched. "Well, I'm not giving you one."

"I know. That's why I'm here. My counselor back in rehab used to tell me if I was alone and felt like I needed a drink, to find someone who would encourage me otherwise to stay with me until the feeling passed."

"And I'm guessing tonight you picked me?"

Spike nodded in response. "I know I only made with dramatic exit about an hour ago, but… Are you going to throw me out?"

"No," Buffy replied, shaking her head. "I couldn't do that to you, Spike. Stay here as long as you need to." She closed and locked the door, then led him over to the sofa. "Do you want anything other than alcoholic beverages?"

"Water?" Spike requested.

"Coming right up." Buffy went into the kitchen and fixed a glass of water, then brought it to Spike who was now seated on her couch. She sat on the other end, her feet tucked under her, as Spike took a drink.

"Do you need to talk about things?" Buffy asked, her tone instinctively falling into the one she used as a counselor.

Spike looked at her, his head cocked to the side. "I guess you're certified to do that now, huh?"

"Yeah, I am." She offered him a small smile. "But I swear, I won't charge you a dime."

"Not sure you're the best for an impartial ear, though."

"No," Buffy replied with a shake of her head. "Probably not."

Spike set his water down on the coffee table, and Buffy noted with approval he actually used a coaster. Apparently he had picked up a few more things since when they'd been together.

"Things just went and got all stressful for me again," Spike said, the fingers of his left hand drumming against his leg. "The new album's about to be released, so pressure there. And now this whole bloody mess with Eve. The sodding press is going to be all over it, and I'm really not looking forward to the fallout, especially with it timed so closely to the album release."

Buffy reached out and placed her hand over his, stilling it. She'd seen him like this so many times before, and despite knowing it meant he was upset, something about it warmed her heart. The man sitting with her now was the Spike she remembered. His walls were down around her again, and it gave her a twinge of hope.

Although hope for what, she couldn't really say.

At her touch, Spike sighed, calming slightly. "I'm sorry to just barge in on you like this. If you want me to leave, I'll find somewhere else to go."

"No, I'm not sending you out. Not when you're like this. Your counselor was right; you do need to not be alone right now. And you're not imposing, nor am I just putting up with you when I really don't want you around. I'm happy you came to me with this."

He relaxed more then and gave her a smile, which Buffy immediately returned. "Thank you, pet."

"It's not a problem. So tell me what you need me to do to help you right now," Buffy replied.

"Just talk to me, take my mind of things. Tell me about your day. Anything interesting happen? Well, other than Eve bursting in here and being a twit, and I guess that was a dumb question…"

Buffy smirked. There was something else interesting that had happened to her today—or at least something she thought Spike would probably find interesting. Maybe it would even cheer him up.

She realized with a start, she really wanted this to cheer him up. Because that would mean… Well, it would mean something.

Buffy shrugged. "It was a normal day. Talked to a bunch of kids, broke up with Robin. Pretty standard really."

Immediately, Spike's eyes lit up, and he leaned forward. "Wait, did you just say you broke up with the bulky principal?"

"Yeah, I did. It wasn't really working out."

"That's great news, luv." He coughed, then sobered. "Uh, I mean…I'm sorry?"

Buffy playfully slapped his arm. "You're such a dork. And I'm fine with it. We hadn't really gotten that serious anyway."

"So no after-hours…" Spike stopped and waggled his eyebrows.

"No, you perv," Buffy replied, rolling her eyes. She paused and looked down. "Actually, I haven't done that with anyone since…" She trailed off, unable to hide her blush.

Spike's eyes widened. "No one since…since me?"

"Yes," Buffy admitted quietly, wondering what in the world had possessed her to admit that.

"Wow. So you've got to be pretty…"

Buffy looked up sharply and held out her hand. "Don't you dare finish that sentence."

Spike raised his own hands in defense. "Consider the sentence unfinished." Only a moment later though, he dropped his hands and asked, "Really? That's like three years. What, did I ruin you for all other men?"

Buffy scoffed nervously. "No."

"Liar. I so did."

"Anyone ever told you you're incredibly arrogant?"

"Most everyone who's been around me for more than five minutes, actually," Spike responded with a cocky grin.

Buffy rolled her eyes dramatically, though in truth, she was enjoying herself. At the moment—aside from the fact that their topic of conversation was her prolonged bout of celibacy—she could almost pretend things were back the way they used to be. This sort of playful teasing had been a staple of their life together in the past.

"Feels a bit like old times right now," Spike said, mirroring Buffy's thoughts.

"Yeah, it does," she answered.

The mood between them sobered again, and after a few moments, Spike said, "I've really missed just having you around. The sex was always bloody incredible, and I'd be lying if I said I haven't longed for a bit of that now and then, but I think what I missed the most was times like these. You're smart, and you're funny, and you're quick with the snappy banter. Always traits I've admired in a woman."

"I missed this, too." Buffy cleared her throat. "And you really missed the sex?"

"Well, yeah. Best sex of my life, and all."

"Really? So I'm better than Eve?" Buffy asked, perking up.

Spike smirked. "God, yes." His expression grew serious, and he met Buffy's eyes before reaching up to place his palm against her cheek. "You were so…raw. I'd never felt anything like it before."

"Spike…" Buffy whispered, unable to keep herself from trembling at his touch.

Yet as quickly as it begun, the moment ended, as Spike dropped his hand and shook his head. "So yeah… Um, maybe we should watch a movie or something."

Buffy held in her sigh of frustration. It probably was a good idea for them not to go at it right there on her couch, but he looked so damn good and it had been three years…

No, Buffy, she reminded herself. Gotta think rationally about this. It'll just be awkward afterwards…

"Right, movie sounds good. Come help me pick one out."

Spike followed her over to her DVD collection without another word.

*** *** ***


As the movie had progressed, Buffy and Spike had moved steadily closer to each other until she was resting with her head on her shoulder and his arm wrapped around her.

Not long after that, she fell asleep.

The DVD had already ended and the player had already shut itself off. Yet still, Spike sat with Buffy in his arms, reluctant to move. It had been so long since he'd gotten to hold her like this, since he'd gotten to watch her sleep. She was almost exactly how he remembered her, save the difference in her hair color, and it made him long even more for the days when she'd been his.

Tonight had made him feel like maybe they could go back to the way things had been, but it had only been one night, and he couldn't take a chance like that again. For all he knew, things would go back to how they had been in the morning. If Buffy was anything like she used to be, opening up to him the way she had could very well send her running back into her shell.

Reason enough for him to dread the sunrise.

He didn't want to leave. He wanted to stay in this moment, where he could pretend they were who they used to be. This apartment had once been their apartment, and if he tried hard enough, he could make-believe the past three years were just a nightmare.

But they had happened, and he couldn't make what had come between them simply magically go away. Buffy had left him, and in doing so, had left a deep wound on his heart. He knew he still loved her as much as he ever had, but could he trust her enough to start over?

With a sigh, Spike stood, his heart aching at Buffy's sleepy mew of protest. He couldn't leave her there, so he picked her up and carried her into her bedroom.

It had once been their bedroom…

It hadn't changed much, and Spike recognized the bed as the one they'd once shared. It was the same bed where they'd made love for the first time.

And the last…

He laid her out on the bed, pulling the sheet up to cover her sleeping form. His body ached with the desire to join her, to curl up in the place that had once given him such comfort.

He knew he needed to leave, but his heart was screaming at him to stay. He realized as he watched her that he didn't have a key to the apartment, and would need to wake her in order to get her to lock the door behind him.

But she looked so peaceful sleeping, and he hated to do that. She was bound to have had a long week, and she needed her rest. And he couldn't rightly leave her alone in an unlocked apartment in Los Angeles. That was dangerous.

So he'd stay, at least until Dawn came home. He remembered her saying something earlier in the week about having to work, as she'd had some party she rather would've gone to, but had opted for the responsible choice. He'd leave when she got there.

In the meantime, was it really that big of a deal to rest just for a little while? Odds were, Buffy would stay asleep and wouldn't even know. And surely Dawn coming in would wake him up, so he could get up then, claim he'd just brought Buffy in to bed, and no one would be the wiser.

Spike got into the bed and pulled Buffy into his arms, falling asleep almost as soon as his head hit the pillow.

*** *** ***


When I was reading back over my rough drafts, I discovered I had somehow ended up with two Fridays. I suppose if you're going to have two of any day of the week, that's a good one to have, but seeing as they're not on the actual Hellmouth here, I had to fix it. Because of that, some scenes got changed around and edited, and I ended up with these scenes in this chapter as sort of the leftovers after some middle stuff was moved. Together, they were longer than I usually make my chapters, but apart, they were shorter. So I could either post them separately as two short chapters (one today and one Thursday) or smoosh them into one chapter. I opted for the one long chapter. I hope no one's terribly upset by this or anything. lol Hopefully, they flow the way I have them, and everyone enjoyed the read.

Please take a moment to review!
Chapter Fifty-Six by Addie Logan
Dawn realized as she got out of her car that she was parked next to Spike's DeSoto. She'd recognize that car anywhere, and knew beyond a shadow of a doubt it meant Spike was inside their apartment.

She still didn't understand why didn't regularly drive the newer and flashier ones he'd bought when he became all rich and famous and stuff, but apparently he had some inexplicable attachment to that thing.

She made her way inside and walked past Buffy's bedroom, finding the two of them cuddled in the bed. They were both still clothed, so Dawn had a feeling there hadn't been a lot of kinky business going on, but at least they looked like they were on the right track.

Dawn couldn't stop the wide grin that split her face at the sight of them. It was so obvious they were meant to be, and she really hoped whatever had happened between them that night had done some work in convincing them of it, too.

Still smiling, she quietly shut the door and went down the hall to her own bedroom.

*** *** ***


Buffy woke up with a sense of peace she hadn't felt in years. She stretched languidly, moving closer to the body cuddled against hers.

Wait…body?

Her eyes popped open and she sat straight up in bed before turning and seeing Spike sleeping beside her. How the hell had that happened?

Determined to find out, she poked him hard in the arm until his eyes snapped open as well. "Buffy?" he asked sleepily.

"Yeah, What the hell are you doing in my bed?"

Spike frowned. "I must've fallen asleep."

"I gathered that part. Why were you in here in the first place?"

"Making a mistake obviously," Spike snapped as he got up, trying to mask the hurt her felt at her rejection. He'd known she'd be this way in the morning, and he was angry with himself for getting into this situation in the first place.

Buffy moved quickly to reach over the side of the bed and grab his arm. "Hey. Don't get like that. It just really surprised me waking up with you here, but I'm not upset about it."

Spike paused, his head tilted slightly as he looked at her. "You're not?"

"No," Buffy replied, shaking her head. "But I haven't woken up next to someone in three years, so it was a little wiggy. And I do want to know how you ended up sleeping here."

Spike reached up and scratched the back of his head. "I didn't really mean to. I carried you in here after the movie, and I was just going to stick around until Dawn came home, but I guess I fell asleep, too."

"In the bed with me?"

"Can we not analyze that?"

Buffy crossed her arms over her chest and arched her eyebrow. "Spike, I have a degree in psychology. I analyze everything."

"Except all that stuff you go into denial about."

"Shut up."

Spike sat down on the edge of the bed with a sigh. "I don't know what's going on here, Buffy. I really want to be angry with you. You hurt me, and I'm not exactly what I'd call over that. But then I'm around you, or even just talking to you, and it doesn't seem to matter as much. The one thing I know is that all it takes is hearing your voice to make me the happiest I've been in three years."

Buffy looked down at her hands as they twisted the fabric of her sheet. Three years ago, she'd made a choice based on what she'd thought was for the best, yet now, looking back, she'd realized it hadn't been. Maybe she'd saved Spike's career by ending things when she did. Maybe she hadn't. She never know for certain, but in all honesty, she wasn't sure it had mattered.

She hadn't treated their relationship as if it were something worth fighting for, and that in itself had been her biggest mistake. Because it had been something worth fighting for.

No. Not had been.

It was something worth fighting for.

She looked up, determination set on her face. "I want you back, Spike. I know I screwed up big time, but I still love you. I don't want to be friends, and I don't want to dance around the issue anymore. I want you."

Spike said nothing for a moment, his eyes wide as he stared at Buffy. He'd dreamt about those words so many times, but now…

"I…I can't," he said as he backed up towards the door.

Buffy sat, stunned, as Spike walked out of the bedroom. After last night, she'd been sure things were moving back towards where she knew she still wanted them to be. How could Spike be walking out on her like this? She knew he still loved her…

Tears filled her eyes, and for a second, Buffy was all set to sit on her bed and cry.

Then, she heard the door slam shut.

Spike was walking out of her life. Again.

It was time to do what she should've done three years ago.

*** *** ***


Dawn was sitting at the table eating a bowl of cereal when Spike rushed out of the bedroom. She started to say something to him, but before she could, he left the apartment.

Seconds later, Buffy came running down the hall, moving faster than Dawn thought she'd ever seen her go before, and followed Spike out.

With a shake of her head, Dawn turned back to her breakfast.

She was stuck in a family of crazy people.

*** *** ***


"Spike, wait!"

Spike froze, surprised to hear Buffy actually coming after him. Since when did she do that? He turned around, doing his best to look impassive as he faced her. "What?"

"Don't just walk out on me, okay? Can't we talk about this?" she pleaded with him, not caring that they were now standing out on the sidewalk.

"There's nothing to talk about, Buffy. I can't just jump back into a relationship with you, all right? I can't trust you enough anymore for that."

"Then…then no jumping. We can wade into a relationship. Or…or we don't even have to do that! We can stick our toes in a relationship. Can you do that?"

Spike sighed. This would be so much easier if she wasn't looking up at him with those big, green eyes… "Buffy, I really don't know. You hurt me so much…"

"I know. And you hurt me, too. But I think we can move past all of that if we give it a chance. We've got something strong here, Spike. Three years apart couldn't kill it, and honestly, I don't think anything can."

"Buffy, I… I can't, luv. I'm so bloody tired of getting hurt all the time. I can't put myself through it again."

"Look, just give me a chance to prove to you this isn't going to be like last time, okay? Let's…let's date. We've never really done that before. At least not in the whole living in two different places but meeting up in another place to spend time together sort of way. Can we try that? Just take it slow, give us both time to make it all work?"

Spike swallowed hard. She made a very compelling argument. And what he wouldn't give to have her back in his arms… "Fine. We date."

Buffy's dazzling smile almost made Spike forget how much she'd hurt him. She was so beautiful when she smiled…

"Great! Got any plans for tonight?"

Spike shook his head. "No."

"Then you'll pick me up at eight."

"Um, okay."

Somehow, her smile managed to grow. "I'll see you tonight." She stood up on her toes and kissed his cheek before turning around and walking back towards her apartment.

Spike blinked. What exactly had just happened? He had a date with Buffy?

He had a date with Buffy.

A grin spread across his face as he walked to his car.

*** *** ***


Dawn couldn't help but notice the change in Buffy when she walked back into the apartment. Her older sister had a dreamy expression on her face—a far cry from the panic that had been there when she'd fled only a few minutes before.

She abandoned her cereal and pushed away from the table to get to her feet. "Okay, Buffy, tell me what's going on here."

Buffy's dreamy smile was firmly in place as she announced, "I have a date with Spike."

"Oh my god!" Dawn screeched, unable to keep from bouncing. "Are you serious?"

"Yup," Buffy replied. "Tonight."

Dawn rushed over to Buffy, took her by the hands, and pulled her over to the couch. "Spill. Everything. Now."

Buffy didn't have to be asked twice. She was happy, and she wanted to gush about it to her sister. "Okay, so Spike came over here last night because he said he felt like he wanted a drink and needed to be around someone who would make sure he didn't. We talked for a bit, then we watched a movie, and somehow I ended up waking up next to him," she began.

"I saw you two being all snuggly when I got home from work last night," Dawn admitted. "I wondered what happened to bring that on."

"Honestly, I'm not even completely sure. I fell asleep on the couch. But when we woke up, I decided I was sick of trying to just move on. I don't want to move on. I want Spike. It's been three years, and I miss him."

Dawn rolled her eyes. "Duh. It's about freaking time you caught up to that, Buffy, since it's been totally obvious to like, anyone with eyes."

"Yeah, well, there were…factors," Buffy said, her words sounding lame to even her own ears.

"And now what's happened to those 'factors?'" Dawn asked, complete with air quotes.

"I've decided they don't matter so much anymore." Buffy cleared her throat. "Dawnie, I never really told you why I broke up with Spike."

"You said it was because of his drinking."

"Well, that was sort of…not the whole truth," Buffy admitted.

"What? Buffy, what happened?" Dawn asked, her eyes wide.

Buffy sighed. She didn't really want to, but it was time for her to fess up. "Spike's producer at the time came over and convinced me that our relationship was going to kill Spike's career."

"That Quentin jerk the band was smart enough to finally fire?" Dawn asked. "And how did he do that?"

"Yeah, him," Buffy replied. "He said the tabloids would turn the fact that I'm technically Spike's step-sister into a media circus."

"That asshole!" Dawn exclaimed. "You're not worried about that anymore, are you, Buffy?"

"I am a little," Buffy said. "I know if I'm going to be dating Spike, then I'm probably going to have to deal with the media. But I can't take being away from Spike anymore. I've felt like there was a part of me missing for the past three years, and as soon as he was in my life again, I knew I couldn't go back to living while I was so…empty."

"So absence made your heart grow fonder?" Dawn asked.

"Something like that. All I know is I'm sick of trying to live without him. I still love him."

"And he still loves you, too," Dawn replied. "He kept trying to pretend he wasn't, but it was friggin' obvious."

"I know," Buffy said. "He's nervous about starting over again, but I think we can make it work. I just have to convince him I won't make the same mistake twice."

"That won't take long," Dawn said with an eye roll. "He won't be able to keep his hands off you."

Buffy looked down, picking at a loose thread on her clothes. "I don't know, Dawnie. I messed up pretty bad."

"Does he know about what happened with Quentin?"

"Yeah, I told him that," Buffy replied, glancing back up. "But I still hurt him. It's probably going to take some time before he trusts me enough to give me his heart again."

"Buffy, you already have his heart—and he knows it."

"I don't know if…"

Dawn cut her sister off with a dismissive wave of her hand. "Pfft. If he's agreeing to go out with you, you've already got him back."

"You really think so?" Buffy asked, a hopeful gleam in her eye.

"I know so. He's just a fish still gasping for breath even though he's already on the hook." Dawn said. She leaned over and nudged Buffy's shoulder. "I betcha good money you won't be sleeping here tonight."

Buffy couldn't help but blush. "Dawnie!"

"Come on, Buffy, you know that's what you want." Dawn jumped up from the couch. "Ooh! We need to go shopping!"

"Shopping?" Buffy asked, her brow crinkling.

"Yep. We need to find something for you to wear tonight that'll make Spike totally lose it."

"I don't know. Tonight is supposed to be about rebuilding trust. I'm not sure he's going to be wanting sex yet."

Dawn put her hands on her hips. "Uh, Buffy… We're talking about Spike."

"Oh. Right." Buffy stood up. "I'll go get ready."

Dawn just shook her head as she watched Buffy go down the hall to her room.

*** *** ***


Starting next week, this story will no longer be posted on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I've gotten a good bit done on it and want to move it along, so it will now be posted on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays.

Please review! I want to know what you think of this latest development.
Chapter Fifty-Seven by Addie Logan
Spike paced the length of his bedroom, his eyes frequently darting over to his clock. He couldn't remember the last time he'd felt this nervous, currently feeling like a schoolboy getting ready for his first date.

Or at least, how he assumed that would've felt. He'd never really had the chance to discover that first hand, since the girls hadn't exactly been clamoring to let him take them out when he'd been a schoolboy. No one had even given him a second glance until he met Drusilla, and their relationship had never been about dating.

In all honesty, he'd never really done a lot of dating. Either it was just sex or it was a relationship—he'd never seen much of the in between. And how he was going to try it with Buffy of all people?

Spike didn't think it was going to work, though he hadn't figured out on which side of the spectrum it was going to go wrong. On the one hand, he was still having a hard time letting go of all his resentment towards her for the way she'd ended things, even if knowing her reasoning had made it a little easier for him to accept.

On the other, if this was supposed to be the sort of date that included at most a kiss at the end of the night, he wasn't sure the plan would go so smoothly either. It had been three years since he'd been with her, and Spike knew his self-control had never been all that stellar when it had been three hours.

So on the whole, Spike knew the "dating" idea was probably doomed from the start. If he had any sense, he'd get out of it now, since he knew he was only going to get his heart broken again. But he'd never been anything more than a fool when it came to love, and despite everything, he was Buffy's again—if he'd ever truly not been. If he was honest with himself, he could admit the only reason he'd managed to spend three years away from her is because she hadn't as much as crooked her finger.

Now that she had, it was all over for him. He was too weak to fight what he wanted, and what he wanted was Buffy, suffering and all.

Another glance at the clock told him it was time. Spike took a deep breath, let it out slowly, and headed out of his house.

*** *** ***


"Buffy, if you don't sit still, I'm going to burn you."

"I can't help it. I'm all shaky."

"I noticed." Dawn sighed as she released the curling iron from her sister's hair. "There's nothing to be nervous about, Buffy. It's just you and Spike."

"That's why I'm nervous," Buffy replied.

Dawn rolled another section of Buffy's hair onto the curler. "Look, you love him and he loves you. That's all that matters."

"Love isn't always enough, Dawnie. I mean…"

"Buffy, no. You're not going to do that this time. Either of you." Dawn took the curling iron out of Buffy's hair again and switched it off before setting it back on the bathroom counter. "Turn around and look at me."

With a sigh, Buffy turned around. "What?"

"Love can be enough, Buffy—you just have to let it be, okay? You and Spike, you're both strong people. You've fought to get where you are in life. It's time for you to fight to be together, too."

Buffy arched her eyebrow. "Aren't you a little young and single to be giving these sorts of peptalks?"

"It doesn't matter, 'cause I'm right and you know it," Dawn retorted. "I've sat here for three years and watched you two make yourselves miserable. There was no reason in the world for you to have been apart, because it's obvious how much you want each other. No, scratch that—need each other. So stop being an idiot and worrying about anything other than the fact that you're both crazy in love, because if you screw this up again, I swear I'm going to so kick your ass."

Buffy snorted. "Like you could."

Dawn crossed her arms in front of her. "I could get you in your sleep."

Buffy's eyes locked with her sister's for a moment before she laughed and leaned forward to hug Dawn. "I love you."

"I love you, too."

After a moment, they pulled apart, and Buffy wiped at her eyes. "Crap. Did you just make me ruin my eye make-up?"

"Me? You were the one who made threats into a touching sisterly moment."

"You started it with the whole 'let love be enough' speech!"

"And then I threatened you, which was supposed to tone down the sap!"

Buffy opened her mouth to respond, but her words turned into a high-pitched "eep!" at the sound of someone knocking at the door.

"Is he supposed to be here yet?" she asked.

Dawn looked down at her watch. "It's eight on the dot."

"Then it can't be Spike. He's not punctual, like, ever."

"Unless he was all nervous and he's been pacing outside the door for the past few minutes waiting for it to be time to knock."

"Good point. I'm going to finish getting ready, you do recon."

Dawn nodded her assent and sprinted out of the bathroom to the front door. Sure enough, it was Spike, and from the way he was ringing his hands and slightly bouncing, Dawn assumed the nervous pacing theory had been correct.

She sized him up quickly, gauging the mood of the evening on his outfit. He wore a dark red button-down shirt with the top slightly open and black leather pants. Dawn grinned to herself.

Yeah, she'd be getting the place to herself tonight. And possibly tomorrow, too…

"Buffy's still getting ready, but she'll be out in a moment," Dawn said as she let Spike into the apartment.

"All right," Spike said with a nod, his body practically vibrating as he stood in the foyer.

"I'll go tell her you're here," Dawn told him before she turned towards the hallway, rolling her eyes as she went back towards the bathroom. They were seriously pathetic, if you asked her.

"He's wearing leather pants," Dawn hissed in a sharp whisper as she ducked into the bathroom with Buffy.

Buffy whirled around, her eyes wide. "What?!" she whispered back.

"He's wearing leather pants. Nice ones, too. All tight and…bulgey in the right places."

Buffy narrowed her eyes. "You're not supposed to be looking at any bulges."

Dawn raised her hands in self-defense. "Hey, it's a little hard to miss. How exactly did you manage to walk when you were with him?"

Buffy blushed a deep red. "Dawn!"

Dawn laughed. "You are so easy to harass. But seriously, there's leather pants, and he looks damn good. Try not to trip over your tongue, 'cause that would just be embarrassing."

"Thanks ever so for the tip," Buffy replied with a dirty look. Then, she took a deep breath. "Okay, how do I look?"

"You look great."

"Hair, make-up, dress—all good?"

"Perfect. You two will be drooling all over each other. Now get out there."

"Okay. I can do this." Buffy stepped out into the hall and walked to the foyer, stopping short when she saw Spike standing there.

Dawn hadn't been exaggerating about those leather pants…

Spike, too, froze at the first sight of Buffy, his eyes traveling down to take in the whole of her look. Her golden hair was in loose curls around her shoulders, making the desire to muss it up almost uncontrollable. She was wearing a red silk halter dress with a scoop front that gave him a tantalizing view of her cleavage, and he let his eyes linger there for a moment, remembering fondly the time he'd spent in the past nestled there. Then, his gaze moved down, over her hips and down to her legs, where…

Oh god, the woman was wearing leather boots. Sleek, leg hugging, high-heeled boots… At that moment, it became official. He was a goner.

He looked back up, met her eyes, and curled his tongue between his teeth. Buffy's knees went wobbly.

"You ready to go, pet?" he asked, his voice low and husky.

Buffy wanted to be coy and seductive, but all she could manage was a nod and a squeaky, "Uh huh."

Spike held out his arm, and Buffy surprised herself by having enough presence of mind to grab her purse off the back of the couch before she went to him.

Dawn followed the couple to the door, leaning out to yell, "Don't worry, I won't bother waiting up!" as they walked off.

Buffy turned and stuck her tongue out at her sister before Dawn laughed and shut the door.

*** *** ***


In all of her time living in Los Angeles, both in recent years and as a young girl, Buffy had never been ushered to a table in a restaurant so quickly. As soon as they entered, someone was rushing to their side to bring them into a private room without any questions asked.

"They sure seem to like you here," Buffy said as they waited on their dinner.

"I tip well," Spike replied.

"So you come here often then?" Buffy asked, feeling suddenly uncomfortable.

Spike immediately picked up on her change of mood and figured out what had most likely brought it on. "I never took Eve here," he said. "She doesn't like Italian food. Too many carbs or something. I just zoned out when she started talking about her dietary habits." He paused for a moment, clearing his throat. "Actually, the only other woman I've ever eaten alone here with was Dawn, which is why I thought it would be a good place for tonight."

"So you've never had a date here?"

Spike shook his head. "No. Not until now."

Buffy smiled, her uneasiness going away. She appreciated the thought he'd put into picking a place that wouldn't make her think about what he may have done there with some other woman in the past.

It was a far cry from bringing up sleeping with other women in her bed. Unbidden, Buffy giggled at the memory, the anger she'd felt in the moment long since faded. It was just so completely Spike to say something that boneheaded before actually taking the time to think.

"What's so funny, luv?" Spike asked.

"Nothing. Just remembering something from a long time ago." She reached across the table and took his hand, linking their fingers together. "I always did love you, you know. All of you, even your not so charming aspects."

Spike's eyebrow rose. "I have some of those?"

Buffy rolled her eyes. "Please. Don't try to convince me otherwise, 'cause I know you, mister."

"Yeah, you do," Spike replied softly. He knew that in truth, Buffy probably knew him better than anyone else ever had—certainly better than any of his other lovers. She knew a side of him no one else had ever truly seen, the part of him he tried to hide.

She knew the part of him that was vulnerable.

Buffy was the only woman he'd ever been able to open up that much with. He'd loved Drusilla desperately, but he'd also known her well enough to know what she would've made of his feelings had he let her. And Eve, well, the same went for her, too—without the whole love part. He never really had loved Eve, though at the time, he'd tried to convince himself he could, if he could just get over Buffy.

Clearly, that wasn't going to happen.

But with Buffy, he'd never been afraid to be who he was, to let her see the man he tried to hide with the persona he presented to the world. He'd never been afraid she'd mock him, or use his feelings against him to tear him down. And really, she never had. Even in their break-up, she hadn't used his heart to manipulate him or tried to twist what he felt.

He looked across the table at her now, and for the first time, he realized why. Buffy loved like he did—with everything. He didn't think she wanted to—knew she wanted to keep herself guarded—but she couldn't help it anymore than he could. She was slow to open her heart, but when she did, she couldn't hold back what she felt. For the first time in three years, he let himself see what their break-up had done to her, see the pain she must have felt.

She hadn't wanted to break him. She hadn't wanted to lose him. He'd never managed to see how raw her passion really was, too busy looking for something big to notice the small ways she showed it.

She loved like him, but she didn't show it like him. When it came to matters of the heart, Buffy took small steps, always afraid of the hurt she could feel.

Spike, on the other hand, plunged in headfirst, trying to turn a blind eye to the possibility of heartache, even when he knew it was most likely right around the corner.

With this new insight into Buffy, Spike began to picture parts of their relationship in another light. He thought back to what she'd said to him on the phone not too long ago, when she'd told him she didn't know how to be everything for someone the way he had been for her. That had been the truth. She didn't know.

But she wanted to be.

He ran his thumb over her hand, a sense of peace filling him for the first time in years. They could do make it this time. He knew it.

"I love you, Buffy."

His words brought her attention to him, and when she met his eyes, what she saw there made tears form in her own.

Spike smiled at her softly as he reached across the table and wiped them away.

*** *** ***


Please take a moment to review!
Chapter Fifty-Eight by Addie Logan
After dinner, Spike took her to a club, and again Buffy saw the perks of going out with a rock star. He walked right up to the front and was let in without any question, while the line wrapping around the building was virtually ignored.

And once inside the club, there was no scrambling for tables either, as Spike led her up to a VIP section, with a comfortable, plush couch to sit on as opposed to the hard chairs down below. Almost as soon as they sat down, a bottle of champagne Buffy knew she never would've been able to afford was brought over to them.

She could see getting used to this very easily…

Buffy sat close to Spike on the couch, the champagne plus the wine she'd had with dinner making her feel a little giddy. She knew she was far from drunk, but she was pleasantly buzzed enough for her nervousness to be a thing of the past.

Spike's arm snaked around her, pulling her closer, and Buffy didn't complain. Instead, she draped her leg over his, his thigh sliding between hers, and leaned forward, to press soft, but hungry kisses against his neck.

Spike groaned, his eyes sliding shut. "Kitten…" he said softly, the word coming out as a low moan.

Encouraged by his response—and the growing bulge in the leather pants—Buffy bit down lightly on his earlobe before saying into his ear, "I want to dance, Spike."

He wasn't entirely sure how he'd be able to move in his current state, but if Buffy wanted to dance, then dance she would.

Spike took Buffy's champagne glass and set it on the table along with his before taking her hand and leading her down to the floor. Heads turned to watch them as they walked by, and not simply because of his star status. The passion simmering between them was electric, making them stand out among the crush of bodies in the darkened club.

As soon as they were on the dance floor, Spike turned Buffy, pulling her flush against him, her back to his front. He rubbed against her sensuously as her arms rose, one wrapping around his neck and the other tangled in his hair. She tilted her head to the side, allowing him to lean in to kiss and nibble at the column of her throat.

They moved in perfect time with the music, yet seemed to be in a world of their own. Spike's hands rested on her hips, guiding her movements and torturing himself with the feel of her rubbing against him. He knew he'd never make it through this night without being inside of her.

Three years had been too bloody long…

Suddenly, he turned her back around to face him, their eyes locking as he did. Buffy's arms wrapped around his waist now, her hands trailing over his back through the material of his shirt, making Spike shiver. His own hands moved from her hips to the curve of her ass, pulling her body even closer to his straining erection.

His hand rubbed over the top of her bottom, then stilled and tested it again as he realized there was something he couldn't seem to find.

Buffy looked at him with a grin that almost made his knees buckle and mouthed four words that proved to be his undoing.

"I'm not wearing any."

Spike's eyes glazed over and he panted, the knowledge Buffy was bare underneath her dress enough to push him over the edge. She felt his cock twitch against her at her admission, and leaned in close to his ear, wanting to make sure he heard her over the music.

"Take me home with you, Spike."

Spike didn't argue. Screw "dating." They hadn't been able to keep their hormones in check years ago, and trying to now would be nothing but a losing battle. She was humping him on the dance floor and wasn't wearing any knickers. He could put the past behind him.

They somehow managed to navigate their way out of the club without stopping their groping, and as soon as the valet had gone to get his car, Spike pulled Buffy around to face him and kissed her, not caring one whit about the people standing outside the club now staring at them.

All that mattered to him was having Buffy back in his arms where she belonged.

He broke away from Buffy reluctantly when he felt the valet tap him on the shoulder. "I thought you were dating Eve Hart," the valet said as he handed Spike back his car keys.

"Eve and I are over," Spike said curtly before handing the valet a tip and walking with Buffy over to the car. He got the door for her, helping her in before he went around to the driver's side.

Buffy took a few deep breaths as Spike started the engine, trying to calm herself down enough to at least get to Spike's place.

"I was surprised to see you in something other than the DeSoto," Buffy said as she ran her hand along the seats of the two-seater convertible Spike had come in that night.

"I take this when I know there's going to be valets involved," Spike replied. "I don't trust them with my baby."

"So you'll trust them with a fairly new, obviously expensive sports car, but not…" At the look Spike shot her from the driver's side, Buffy stopped. "Of course. Makes perfect sense to me."

They made the rest of the drive in silence, both of them focusing on getting to a place where they could be naked as quickly as possible.

The closer they got the Spike's house, the more Buffy realized just how much he'd moved up in the world. The houses they were passing were way beyond any price range she'd ever lived in, even back when her parents had still been married and money had been significantly less tight than it had been after the divorce.

Spike turned into a drive and stopped to punch in a code to open a large, metal gate. Buffy swallowed as the gate slowly opened. The idea of going home with a rock star seemed almost absurd, yet at the same time, it was Spike, which felt comforting and normal.

She decided to focus on the Spike part now. She'd have time to get used to the part where Spike was now rich and famous later.

Spike parked the car, then came around to Buffy's side to help her out. She paused for a moment, getting a good look at his house as she listened to the sound of waves lapping the shore in the distance. "Nice place. Looks…expensive."

"I could afford it," Spike replied, though his tone wasn't one of bragging, just fact. "The album did well, as did the touring and the merchandising." He broke out into a grin. "Plus, we caught Quentin stealing from us."

Buffy gasped. She'd known something had happened with Travers, though she'd never actually gotten the whole story. "Spike that's…why are you smiling about that?"

"'Cause we caught him good and proper. Had all sorts of incriminating evidence. The wanker got so scared he agreed to pay us a huge lump sum settlement to keep his arse out of jail." Spike shrugged. "Thinking of him sitting in a jail cell was a pretty thought, but we took the money. He's ruined anyway."

Then, Spike came up behind Buffy and wrapped his arms around her waist, holding her close. "Though if I'd known he was what took you away from me, I might have opted for the prison term."

Buffy leaned against his chest, her eyes closing for a moment as she savored being with him again before she spoke. "Spike, I am sorry for that. More than I could ever tell you. I shouldn't have let what he said get to me the way it did. I shouldn't have left."

"Things were rough for us all the way around then," Spike replied. "We got off track somehow and couldn't figure out how to get back on." He turned her around and looked into her eyes. "But let's just put that behind us now, yeah? Let tonight be the start of something new."

Buffy nodded, her throat tightening on her with emotion and making her doubt her ability to talk.

"I'm not letting you go again," Spike promised softly before he leaned in and sealed his vow with a kiss. The kiss started out slow and gentle, but soon the passion in them had risen again, bringing them back to the state they'd be in back at the club.

"Inside. Now," Buffy panted when they broke away for air.

Spike gave no argument as they rushed to his front door, where he fumbled with the lock as Buffy rubbed herself against his side, kissing and nibbling his neck as she did. Finally, the door opened, and Spike closed and locked it quickly before his keys and wallet hit the ground, followed by Buffy's purse.

He spun her around and pushed her against the wall, his mouth against hers again as she grabbed him and pulled him closer. The moment cast echoes of their first time together over four years prior, both of them flashing back for a moment to the memory.

Tonight was, in some way, the first time for them all over again.

"You have a bed nearby?" Buffy gasped between kisses.

"Yeah. A nice, big comfy one."

"Take me to it."

Spike lifted her into his arms, amazing himself with his ability to walk with both Buffy's roving hands and lips and the current tightness of his pants.

Then, he stepped into the living room, and almost dropped her.

"What the hell are you doing here?"

Spike's angry growl of a question made Buffy's head whip around, and she gasped when she saw Eve Hart standing by the couch. Then, she rolled her eyes. "You have got to be freaking kidding me."

Reluctantly, Spike lowered Buffy onto her feet, though he kept his arm wrapped around her waist. "Get out of my house before I call the cops," he said to his ex.

Eve raised her hands. "Whoa now, kids. Let's not be hasty. Spike, I just came to talk to you. I didn't expect to end up in the middle of the family reunion."

Spike's whole body stiffened, his temper barely in check. "Get out of my house."

"I'm doing you a favor here, Spike," Eve replied as she dropped her hands. "Because if you don't kick her out right now, then it's over for us, and I don't think that's something you really want."

Spike's sharp bark of laughter made Eve flinch. "Are you completely daft? That's exactly what I want, you stupid bint. That's why I broke up with you. I don't want you. I will never want you ever, ever again."

"You're making a big mistake," Eve replied, her eyes narrowing.

"You know, somehow, I really don't think so."

"You will regret this, Spike." Eve started towards the door, yet stopped when she reached the couple. "This isn't the last you'll hear from me."

Spike and Buffy stayed in stunned silence for a moment until they heard the front door slam behind Eve.

"Whoa," Buffy said, blinking. "She's mental."

"Yeah, I got that vibe," Spike replied, scratching the back of his head. "Why do I always get the crazy ones?"

"'Cause maybe opposites really don't attract?"

"Ha bloody ha." Spike sobered then, and turned Buffy around to meet his eyes. "You all right, luv?"

"Yeah, I'm okay," Buffy replied. "It was kind of freaky having her in here, but she's gone now. Do you think she meant that thing about it not being the last you heard from her?"

Spike shrugged. "Probably not. She's just been in Hollywood too long. Has to make a dramatic exit. Though I'm so having the locks changed first thing Monday morning." He leaned down and kissed Buffy on the forehead. "I'm going to lock up and make sure she's really gone," he said. "Will you be okay in here?"

Buffy nodded. "Just hurry back."

Spike gave her one more kiss. "I will."

*** *** ***


Reviews? I know that was sort of mean, having it all that tension lead up to nothing, but I promise I will more than make up for it…

Also, just a reminder, the posting schedule for this story has changed and will now be posted on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.
Chapter Fifty-Nine by Addie Logan
When Spike came back into the living room, Buffy was seated on the couch, her hands folded in her lap and her back rigid. She turned sharply at the sound of his footsteps on the hardwood floor. "Is she gone?"

"She's gone," Spike assured her as he came around to join her on the couch. He reached out and took Buffy's hand. "You sure you're okay?"

Buffy nodded. "She wasn't violent or anything. You don't think she would be later, do you?"

Spike shook his head. "Eve doesn't really like to get her hands dirty. If she does anything, it'll be something less direct." He shrugged. "But don't worry about her. She's not important." He frowned. "But she did succeed in killing the mood, didn't she."

"Little bit, yeah," Buffy admitted.

Spike stood, then took both of Buffy's hands in his to pull her up with him. "Come with me. I want to show you something."

Buffy followed Spike over to the other side of the large living room to a sliding glass door. They stepped out onto a balcony, a clear view of the moonlit ocean in front of them.

"Spike, this is beautiful," Buffy said as she walked over to the railing and looked over.

"It's what really sold me on the house." Spike came up behind her and wrapped his arms around her waist. "I like to come out here to write."

"I can see where it would be inspiring."

"I thought about you a lot when I was out here, too," Spike told her, then leaned in to kiss the top of her head. "I used to sit here and wish you were with me."

Buffy turned to face him, her arms going around him. "Now I am."

"Now you are." Spike kissed her, savoring the taste of her, the feel of her in his arms again. The waves crashed to the shore, the salt air blew around them, and all their troubles, all the pain the last three years had brought seemed to melt away.

Spike brought Buffy over to one of the deck chairs, where he sat down before pulling her into his lap, so she was facing him, her knees on either side of his legs. Their hands roamed as the continued to kiss, Buffy's undoing the buttons of his shirt while his reached under her skirt to caress her bare bottom.

"Do you want to go back into the house?" Spike asked, his words followed by a gasp as Buffy's nails trailed down his chest, over his nipples.

Buffy shook her head. "I like it out here."

"I'm going to have to be inside you soon," Spike murmured against her skin, his lips trailing over her collarbone.

"I know." Buffy ground down against his erection, feeling the hard ridges through the leather. He groaned and she whimpered. "The sooner the better, Spike…"

Spike reached behind her and undid the clasp of her top, letting it fall open to expose her breasts. Her nipples hardened from both the night air and her arousal, and Spike leaned in to take one in his mouth, his hand caressing the other. "Still so perfect, baby," he moaned before suckling her again, laving her firm breast with his tongue.

"Spike…" Buffy whimpered, her hips bucking. "Now…please…"

He slipped his hand between their bodies to open his pants, sighing in relief as his erection finally sprung free. Buffy raised herself up on her knees and pulled her dress to her waist as Spike took hold of his cock and kept it steady for her to lower herself again.

They cried out in unison as she slid down slowly on top of him, her three years of abstinence making it an incredibly tight fit. Still, she was determined to take everything he had to offer, and soon their bodies were flush against each other, Spike's cock filling Buffy completely.

The couple stilled, their foreheads meeting as they panted in exertion, her from taking all of him into her tight pussy and him from the control it took not to thrust into her wildly. Soon, they pulled back, their eyes meeting. Something akin to giddiness rose up inside of her, and Buffy smiled. Spike reached out and stroked her cheek as he smiled back.

"I missed you," Buffy said as she nuzzled against his hand.

"I missed you, too."

They began to move then, the crashing of the waves setting their pace. Spike's hands held on to her hips as hers gripped his shoulders, keeping their rhythm steady.

With a gasp, Buffy threw her head back, her eyes closed as her long, blonde hair slid back and forth over Spike thighs. He started pushing harder inside of her with each thrust, listening as Buffy's cries and moans became more frantic.

Suddenly, she pitched herself forward again, their eyes locking as she rode him harder, wringing shudders out of both of them. Spike slid one of his hands from her hips down beneath the bunched folds of her dress to find her clit, rubbing circles against it with his thumb. Buffy's breath hitched, her movements becoming more erratic as she grew closer to orgasm.

Spike knew he wouldn't be able to hold on much longer, the knowledge that he was back inside of Buffy alone enough to drive him dangerously close to the edge. Touching her now healed his heart in a way nothing else could, filled it until he felt as if it could burst.

Their eyes locked again. The depth of what he saw there warmed him fully, and he said to her through ragged breaths, "I love you."

Buffy gasped then cried out as her orgasm rocketed through her, her whole body trembling. The feel of her pussy strangling his cock was all it took to send Spike over with her, and his hips moved up off the chair as he exploded inside of her.

Buffy slumped against his chest, panting heavily. Spike ran his hand shakily down her back, and Buffy kissed him at the junction of his neck and shoulders.

"I love you, too."

Spike chuckled lightly as he tightened his grip on her. "How did I live without this?" he wondered aloud as he pressed gentle kisses against her hair.

"I was asking myself the same thing," Buffy admitted. Slowly, she pulled up, a small grin tugging at her mouth.

"So how about you show me that bed of yours, huh?"

Spike grinned back. "More than happy to oblige, pet."

*** *** ***


Spike's bedroom was just as gorgeous as everything else she'd seen of his house, and Buffy took it all in with wide eyes. The centerpiece of the room was a huge four-poster bed, done in red and black.

"Like it, pet?" Spike asked as he came up behind her, noticing where her eyes were directed.

"Mmm…yeah," Buffy replied, leaning into Spike and reaching up to wrap her arm around him. "Looks like a place I could stay for a while."

"Good, because I don't plan to let you out of it for quite some time," Spike said, thrusting his rapidly-reemerging erecting against her bottom.

Buffy arched her neck as she put her hand against the back of his head, guiding him down to kiss her. Spike did so without hesitation, his tongue delving into her mouth, tasting her.

Needing to breathe again, Buffy broke away from Spike's lips and turned back around to face him. His hair was mussed from her fingers, his eyes dark with desire, and the sight of him made her tremble. He'd refastened his pants before they'd come into the house, but his shirt was still open, giving Buffy a glimpse of his chest. She was unable to keep herself from rubbing her hands down his taut skin, her nails raking across the muscles of his abdomen.

She looked up at him with an impish grin as her hands stopped at the waistband of his pants. Spike looked down at her, eyebrow raised as if in challenge, and Buffy had never been one to back away from a challenge. She cupped his erection in her hand, molding the leather over his skin as she squeezed just hard enough to make him groan.

"You like that, baby?" Buffy asked as she continued to massage his cock through his pants.

"God, yes… Buffy…" Spike moaned, thrusting his hips slightly.

Buffy grinned at him before she fell to her knees, making Spike suck in a breath of anticipation. She opened his pants, then reached in to pull his cock out into her hands and stroked it firmly. Spike looked down at her, his eyes locking with hers.

"I wonder if you taste as good as I remember," Buffy said teasingly as she ran her finger along the large vein of his cock.

"Only one way to find out," Spike replied, his tongue curling behind his teeth.

Buffy responded by licking the underside of his cock before swirling her tongue around the head and bringing it into her mouth. Spike cried out in pleasure, his hand coming down to grip her shoulder to keep himself steady.

It had been years since she'd done this, but it seemed as familiar as ever now, the taste, the scent of him awakening something inside of her she'd had to keep dormant for three long years. She took him into her mouth hungrily, moaning with delight as his cock slid in and out of her mouth. It amazed her to realize how much she'd missed this. Spike's entire body trembled as he fought to keep control enough to at least stay upright, and the only sounds coming from him were incoherent grunts and groans. She loved that she could do this to him, could make his entire world centered on the wet heat of her mouth.

Spike opened his eyes and looked down to meet Buffy's gaze again. She grinned around his cock before she took him as far down her throat as she could and moaned. Spike gasped, knowing if he didn't stop her now, he was going to finish before he wanted things to be over.

As much as he'd always loved coming in her mouth, he wanted to come inside of her pussy again. He'd spent too much time denied that. He pulled himself out of Buffy's mouth, the pout she gave him in response almost enough to make him lose control and thrust right back inside. Instead, he pulled her back to her feet and kissed her until she was panting.

"Get on the bed, luv," Spike said, his voice rough with passion.

Buffy immediately did as he asked, lying on her back with one leg propped up and her head turned towards him. "You gonna join me?" she asked.

Spike took in the sight of her and shivered. "There's nowhere else I'd rather be," he replied before he stalked towards the bed and climbed on top of her.

Buffy curled her leg around his as he kissed her, his hand trailing up the bottom of her dress to stroke her wet folds. Suddenly, Spike sat up on his knees, and the eyes he turned on her now were almost black with passion.

"I want you naked," he told her, his tongue coming out to run sensuously over his lips.

He didn't have to tell Buffy twice… She scooted back far enough that she could sit up, undid the back of her dress, then pulled it up over her head, leaving her clad in nothing but her boots. Spike lifted one of her legs, running his hand down its leather casing. "You wore these for me, didn't you, kitten?"

Buffy nodded. "I know how much they turn you on."

"They do, pet. I always loved fucking you with your boots around my waist."

Buffy trembled at his words and his voice. How did this man get so incredibly sexy?

His hand went to the zipper of her boot, and he slowly slid it down. "Though tonight, when I make love to you, I don't want anything between us."

His tone had become tender, his eyes showing both love and lust, and Buffy felt herself tear up. She was so grateful for this second chance with him, grateful that the mistakes they'd made the first time around hadn't ruined everything they had between them.

Once Spike had removed her shoes, he stood up long enough to strip off his own clothes, then joined Buffy on the bed, covering her body with his.

"I love you so much, Buffy," he whispered against her ear before kissing her gently against her jaw.

"I love you, too," Buffy replied, running her hands across his back.

Spike pulled up enough to look into her eyes as he slid inside of her, filling her again. Buffy gasped in pleasure as she wrapped her legs around his waist, pulling him closer.

She didn't think she could ever have him close enough…

He leaned in and captured her mouth again, kissing her slowly as he steadily pumped his hips. He was surrounded by her, drowning in her, and still he wanted more. He never wanted to stop touching her, never wanted to have her ripped away from him again.

With her touch, she made him whole.

Time lost its meaning as they moved, bodies writhing in perfect rhythm. They stayed locked in a sensual embrace, knowing nothing but each other until pleasure came crashing down and washed over them together.

*** *** ***


Am I starting to make up for the long separation?

Please remember to review!
Chapter Sixty by Addie Logan
Buffy smiled contentedly as she lay in Spike's arms, silk sheets pulled up around them. Her body still hummed with the afterglow of what they'd just shared, and she couldn't remember a time in the past three years when she'd been happier.

Spike's fingers ran through her hair, and she arched into his touch like a cat, her chin nuzzling his chest. "Do you have anywhere to be tomorrow?" Spike asked her, the vibrations from his voice rumbling through Buffy.

"No." Buffy looked up, meeting Spike's eyes. "Can I stay here?"

"Do you want to?"

Buffy nodded. "I do."

"Well, that's a relief, because it would've been a bloody hassle to have to keep you tied to the bed all day." He smirked. "Though I wouldn't mind it for a little while."

"I wouldn't mind either," Buffy replied with a giggle.

Spike's hand moved from her hair to her cheek, and he tilted her face up, meeting her eyes in the dim light of his bedroom. "I can't believe you're really here, pet. I keep expecting to wake up, or just have you dissolve or something."

"I know." Buffy smiled softly at him. "It feels like the best dream I've had in three years." She yelped as she felt Spike's other hand reach around and pinch her on the bottom. "Hey! What was that for?"

"To check and see if this was a dream."

"You're supposed to pinch yourself for that."

Spike grinned. "Yeah, but your arse is just so bloody pinchable." To emphasize his point, he pinched it again.

"Spike! Stop that," Buffy said, though the corner of her lips were twitching as she fought to keep from smiling.

"Make me," Spike said, his eyebrow raised in challenge.

"Oh, I can make you," Buffy replied, a mischievous glint in her eyes before she attacked his sides, tickling him as he squirmed to get away.

"Oi now! That's not fair," Spike said between laughs.

"It is so fair," Buffy insisted, her tickling continued.

"Oh yeah," Spike replied before coming after her, tickling Buffy's sides as well.

"Hey! Now that's not fair," Buffy cried out as she tried in vain to escape his fingers.

"All's fair in love and war and all that rot, pet," Spike replied, his tickling continuing.

"That so?" Buffy asked before she suddenly broke free of Spike and slipped under the sheets.

"What are you…" Spike stopped short when he felt her warm mouth surrounding him. "Okay, now that's cheating."

Buffy's head popped back out. "Does that mean you want me to stop?"

"Oh no. By all means, carry on."

Buffy ducked out of sight again, and Spike groaned as her mouth resumed its task, one hand twisting the base of his cock while the other squeezed his balls. She'd always been good at this, and Spike noted she hadn't lost her touch by falling out of practice. Within minutes, he was fighting the urge to come again, despite the fact he already had twice that night.

Spike lifted the sheet up, almost wishing for a moment that he hadn't, since the sight of what she as doing made staying in control even more difficult. He took a deep, shuddering breath, then tapped her on the shoulder. She looked up at him, mouth still wrapped around his cock, and he had to thrust into her one more time before he said, "Get up here and ride me, kitten."

More than happy to oblige, Buffy slid up the length of his body then sat up so she was straddling his waist. She swirled her thumb around the tip of his cock, a smirk on her face as she looked up and asked him, "Does this thing ever get tired?"

"Not when you're around," Spike replied. "Now hop on."

Buffy chuckled, but didn't protest, as ready to have Spike inside of her as he was to be inside. She lowered herself onto his erection, moaning as he filled her to the hilt, stretching her to her limits.

As soon as she'd adjusted, Buffy started moving, not bothering to start out slow and languid. She wanted to drive Spike over the edge, wanted to prove to herself just how wild she could still make him. Buffy squeezed his cock rhythmically with her internal muscles as she rode him, loving the sounds it wrested from him.

She leaned forward, her hips still pumping as she licked up his chest and neck to his ear. She nibbled on the lobe before she whispered, "Like that, baby?"

"God yes," Spike groaned, thrusting his hips up to meet hers. "Fuck…you're so bloody good."

His words filled her with a sense of feminine pride, assuring her that he hadn't found something he liked better in the years they'd been apart. She sat back up, scraping her nails along his chest as she did.

Then, a wicked thought popped into her head, and Buffy couldn't help but act on it.

Spike's eyes flew open as Buffy began tickling his sides yet again. "Oi now!"

Buffy giggled, then feigned innocence. "What?" she asked, her expression puzzled.

"Oh, now you've asked for it, missy," Spike replied before flipping them over. He pinned Buffy's hands above her head with one of his as he began to pound into her hard.

"Oh god," Buffy groaned, her eyes rolling back in her head at the strength of his thrusts.

"Like that, don't you," Spike said, his voice deep and husky.

"Yeah… Spike!" Buffy shouted his name as he pushed in deeper, hitting her just right.

Suddenly, he stilled, and Buffy blinked, trying to discern through her lust-filled haze what had just happened. "Huh?"

Spike smirked down at her. "It looked like you were about to come, luv. Not sure I should let that happen, you being such a bad girl with the tickling and all."

Buffy pouted. "But I wanna."

Any willpower Spike may have had to tease her disappeared the moment she pouted, and he resumed his hard, deep thrusts. Buffy grunted beneath him, her body taut as her orgasm rapidly approached.

Spike reached between them with his free hand and twisted her clit, giving Buffy the last little push she needed. She screamed his name when she came, her body spasming uncontrollably beneath him as the feel of her pussy squeezing his cock like a vice pulled Spike over with her.

Finally, he collapsed on top of her, sated.

*** *** ***


When she woke, Buffy had a smile on her face. Sunlight trickled in through the blinds, and Buffy's smile grew as she watched Spike sleep.

She felt…calm. The pain and anguish she'd felt spending three years away from Spike was over now, and she was back in his arms where she belonged. Buffy stretched, wincing at the soreness she felt, but welcoming the ache at the same time. It was a tangible reminder of what had gone on the night before, and she couldn't find anything but joy in that.

Soon, Spike's eyes fluttered open as well, and a smile came to his own lips as he saw her. "Mornin', cutie," he said, his voice husky from sleep.

"Mornin', sexy," Buffy replied, making Spike smile more.

Spike brushed Buffy's hair away from her face. "Last night was…well, I don't think there's a word strong enough. Having you back… This means everything to me."

"Me, too," Buffy told him. "I've missed you so much."

"I've missed you, too." Spike kissed her forehead, letting his lips linger against her skin for a moment before he pulled away. "I won't do anything to chase you away again."

"Spike, you didn't…"

He put a finger to her lips, silencing her. "It wasn't all you, pet. I spent a long time being angry with you. It was easier that way, easier than letting myself hurt as much as I wanted to. But the blame for our break-up doesn't rest all on your shoulders, and I don't want you to think you've got to carry it. I was an alcoholic, Buffy, and I was acting like a complete arsehole. My drinking was completely out of hand, and the way I acted with that bloke at the hospital was inexcusable."

"But I ruined things when I made you leave," Buffy said, her voice small.

"They were already buggered. We probably could've fixed things, but neither one of us was trying." Spike ran his hand down her cheek. "As much as it hurt, maybe we needed some time apart. Maybe three years was a bit excessive, but I doubt we'll ever take what we have for granted again."

Spike wiped away the tear that ran down Buffy's face. "I know with blinding clarity what life without you is like now. And yeah, I made it through these past three years, but I really don't want to live the rest of my life so…"

"Empty?" Buffy supplied for him when he trailed off.

He smiled softly at her. "Yeah, empty."

"Like…like there was just nothing in the spot where your heart should be."

"Yeah, like that." Spike cupped Buffy's face in his hands, looking at her for a moment with an intensity that made her tremble. Then, he was kissing her, healing her with his mouth.

Healing them both.

Soon, Spike rolled her over and pushed inside of her body, needing more contact than just the kiss. Buffy winced, still sore from the vigorous activities from the night before after so many years with nothing, but she didn't protest. Instead, she wrapped him in her arms and held him close as Spike slid in and out of her with shallow thrusts.

He was careful with her, aware of her tender state, and kept their lovemaking gentle, easy. Buffy gasped and sighed beneath him with pleasure, her hands caressing the muscles of his back as they flexed under her touch.

They kissed again, their tongue dueling in an attempt to mimic the action of the lower halves of their bodies, making Buffy feel light-headed. Everything with Spike had always been so raw, so passionate, and even this soft morning lovemaking was no exception. Spike felt so much, and he poured it all into every touch, breaking down all her carefully-constructed walls until she was as lost in emotion as he was.

Their mouths broke apart, and Spike buried his face in the crook of her neck, the motion of his hips gaining speed, though he was still careful not to hurt her. Buffy's hand slid up to rest at the back of his head, stroking his soft hair as she turned to whisper in his ear all the things she didn't want to be afraid to say.

She needed him.

She loved him.

She never wanted to let go again.


Spike groaned, his hips pitching forward, then stilling as he shook above her in orgasm. The feel of him coming inside of her was enough to push Buffy over as well, and she gasped his name as she came.

He rolled them over, cradling Buffy against his chest as he stroked her back and hair with a shaky hand. "I didn't hurt you, did I, luv?" he asked after taking a few moments to catch his breath. "I could tell you were a little tender."

Buffy shook her head. "No, I'm okay. I am a little achy though. We really went at it like crazed weasels last night."

Spike chuckled and kissed the top her head. "We have three years to make up for."

"I know. And if it was up to me, we'd have non-stop sex for days, but I don't think that's humanly possible." Buffy paused, her nose wrinkling. "And I'm all sticky."

"Well, I can take care of the sticky and the achy." Spike got up from the bed, making Buffy whimper in protest until he picked her up and cradled her in his arms.

"Where are we going?" Buffy asked as he carried her off.

Spike opened up a door on the far side of the room and pointed inside. "There."

Buffy's eyes followed his finger to the large, Jacuzzi tub in his very nice bathroom. "Ooo…I like," Buffy said, grinning.

"I thought you would. Now come on, let's get you all nice and cleaned up."

*** *** ***


To answer two questions posed numerous times in reviews:

Yes, Buffy is still on the Pill. Why didn't she go off it after three years of abstinence? Well, I put it in as a plot device so I wouldn't have to have them reaching for condoms every single time they have sex in the first place, and honestly, I didn't feel like removing that plot device now. They are not in the point in their relationship where a baby would be a good idea—something they're both aware of. Buffy clearly prepared for the possibility of sex with Spike—no underwear, leather boots—so let's go on the assumption she took care of the baby-making end of the act, too.

As for paparazzi hiding in the bushes outside his house… I'm not saying it's impossible for them to get a shot of his balcony, but the back of his house is high up and overlooking a private beach. There aren't "bushes" right on the other side of the balcony. Spike's not being reckless, he simply knows they'd have to not only trespass onto private property, but they'd have to be very creative in hiding with their cameras. And no, Eve wouldn't have hidden cameras around either—as far as she knew when she went over there, she would be the one having sex with Spike that night, and she certainly isn't going to risk a sex tape being leaked.

I hope that cleared everything up! Please take a moment to review.
Chapter Sixty-One by Addie Logan
Spike's cock was hard against her bottom as Buffy leaned against him in the large bathtub, but neither of them pushed for anything past the relaxing soak they were currently enjoying.

In the past, their more rigorous bouts of sexual activity had made Buffy a little sore and limpy, but after the three year drought she'd just put an end to, she was wondering if she was ever going to get her legs to close completely again.

Not that that had stopped her this morning, nor did she have any illusions of the two of them keeping their hands off each other for the rest of the day.

Still, now it felt good to just be in his arms, letting the warm water rush over them from the tub's Jacuzzi jets. After so much time spent away from him, this had to be heaven.

"Happy, luv?" Spike asked her, the rumble of his voice making her eyes flutter open, from where they'd slid shut in bliss.

Happy? She was beyond "happy" at the moment, and she let him know as much.

She turned slightly to face him, smiling gently as she did. "Everything's perfect right now, Spike. I can't remember another time in my life when I felt this good."

Spike smiled back, his heart swelling at her words as well as the love he could see so clearly in her eyes. "Me either, pet. Having you back… Everything's right again."

Buffy tilted her head and Spike took the invitation to kiss her, Their lips slid gently across each other, the mood far from hurried even as Spike's hands came up to caress the underside of her breasts.

Why rush now, when they had the rest of their lives to spend together?

His hands trailed slowly down her body, over her abdomen, grazing the soft curls between her legs before they stopped against her thighs, gently kneading her sore leg muscles. Buffy sighed in contentment against his mouth, her body feeling almost weightless between his soothing touches and the flow of the water around them.

Slowly, Buffy began to warm more, just the feel of Spike's hands against her skin enough to stir the fire inside of her. His mouth broke away from hers to kiss her shoulder and neck, then eventually stopped at her ear to lick and nibble at the lobe. Buffy whimpered, and Spike's cock twitched against her bottom.

"Are you too sore for me, luv?"

Buffy shook her head, his voice alone almost enough to make her melt. "Never…"

Spike turned her in his arms so they were face to face and eased her down the length of his cock, fully aware of her tender state. When their bodies were flush against each other, they moaned in unison, reveling in the connection. No matter what had happened between them, this was right.

Buffy's head dropped to his shoulder as Spike's hands caressed her back, his hips moving evenly as he thrust in and out of her beneath the water's surface.

She didn't think he'd ever been this gentle with her before. His movements were barely stirring the water around them, and yet he was touching every part of her, stroking so deeply until she could feel nothing but full.

Spike's hand moved up to caress her damp hair, stroking from the top of her head all the way down to the ends. "Tell me how I feel to you, kitten," Spike pleaded, his voice rumbling beside Buffy's ear.

Buffy opened her mouth to respond, but blushed, her head dipping further against him. While Spike's dirty talk always made her pulse jump, she'd never been as comfortable with saying the things herself, although she had a few times in the heat of the moment.

But this time wasn't like those, and she couldn't seem to make her mouth say those sorts of things. "I…you…"

"It's all right, luv," Spike coaxed her. "It doesn't have to be nasty. Just tell me how you feel."

"I…it's good, Spike…"

"Yeah? Can you feel me inside of you, Buffy? All snug in your tight lil' quim?"

"Yes…" Buffy swallowed, her eyes rolling back as Spike thrust up again. "I'm so full with you inside."

"That's it, baby. Talk to me just like that…"

Buffy swallowed. "There's not a part you're not touching, you're…oh…" She trailed off as Spike swiveled his hips, changing his angle and intensifying the pleasure he was already giving her.

"That the spot, sweetheart?"

"Yeah…right…right there, Spike."

Buffy panted, her forehead resting at the crook of Spike's neck as his thrusts increased in tempo, though they stayed steady and gentle. The slight curve at the head of his cock allowed him to push repeatedly against her g-spot, making the pressure inside of her build.

"Look at me, Buffy," Spike said, his voice breaking through the haze that was building around her. "I want to see those pretty green eyes of yours while I'm thrusting inside of you."

Buffy lifted her head, the eyes he'd wished to see slightly glassy. Spike smiled tenderly at her, his thumb grazing over her cheek as their gazes locked. "You're everything to me, Buffy," Spike told her as his hand flattened out to cup her face. "This, here with you, this is all I'll ever need."

His words, the intensity of his emotion, made tears spring to her eyes. "Spike, I…"

"Shh. Just tell me you love me."

"I love you."

Spike pulled her lips to his, kissing her deeply. Buffy gasped, her eyes fluttering shut again as he slipped almost completely out of her only to thrust home in a powerful surge. She came apart in his arms as she trembled with the force of her orgasm, Spike's mouth still firm against hers, even as she felt him release inside of her.

Gasping, Buffy fell against his shoulder, her body continuing to shake even as Spike's softening cock slipped out of her. He kissed her hair and then her shoulder, his hand stroking her back.

When he felt that his own legs were strong enough, Spike stood and helped Buffy out of the tub. She leaned against him, her trembles now partially to blame on the chill of the air against her damp skin. Spike led her over to a stack of fluffy, oversized towels, running one quickly over her hair before he wrapped it around her body, rubbing it over her skin to warm her up.

Buffy looked up at him, her expression still dazed. "I…" she tried to speak, to tell him what the moment they'd shared had meant to her, but she couldn't find the words.

She didn't need to. Spike smiled at her, his hand against her face. "I know, luv. Me, too."

Buffy smiled back, and Spike grabbed a second towel, drying himself off before he wrapped it snugly around his waist, then lifted Buffy off her feet and carried her into the bedroom and back to the bed, sitting her down on the edge. He found a comb on his nightstand, then joined her, picking her back up long enough to get her situated between his legs.

As he began running the comb through her hair, Buffy's eyes drifted shut and she murmured in contentment. He gently worked through the tangles, careful not to hurt her, and she thought back to all the times he'd done this for her in the past.

Before, it had seemed like such a little thing. But now, after three years without him, just the simple act of him combing her hair meant so much more.

When he finished, Spike set the comb down on the bed and kissed the top of her head. "You're all tangle-free now, gorgeous."

"Mmm…thank you," Buffy said, leaning against him. She yawned, then looked up. "I don’t know if I'm more hungry or sleepy. You wore me out last night and this morning, you stud, you."

Spike chuckled. "How about this, then. I'll go fix us something to eat, and you can lie down in here and get a little more rest. That work for you?"

Buffy nodded. "Uh huh."

"Good." Spike stood with her again and carried her up to the top of the bed, where he put her down and tucked the covers up around her. "I'll be back soon, baby," he promised as he kissed her forehead.

Buffy smiled at him sleepily as her eyes closed, her body curling up under his blankets. She felt safe, warm, and completely cherished.

Spike kissed her one more time before he walked away to see what he could do in the way of breakfast.

*** *** ***


Buffy had been drifting peacefully somewhere between waking and dreaming in Spike's bed when she felt him move in beside her, his hand going around her waist as he kissed her shoulder. She murmured happily, a smile on her face when she leaned back against him.

"Are you ready to eat, luv, or do you need to sleep some more?"

"Eat," Buffy replied. "My stomach's all grumbly."

"Well, there's an omelet waiting for you downstairs that should take care of that."

Buffy's eyes lit up. "Ooh…really? I love omelets."

Spike chuckled and brushed a kiss against her temple. "I know, pet. I remembered. I added extra cheese and everything."

"You're the bestest boyfriend ever."

"That so?" Spike asked, his eyebrow arched. "So maybe I should've just plied you with cheese years ago?"

"Would've been worth a shot," Buffy answered with a teasing grin.

"Well, nice to know now you're so easy. I'll have to keep that in mind."

"You do that." Buffy tilted her head back and kissed him softly, letting her lips linger for a moment as she savored how he felt, how he tasted. How had she lived without this feeling?

"All right, up with you now before we start in again and then you pass out from lack of food in your system," Spike said as they broke apart.

"So we have to go build up energy stores for more sex?" Buffy asked, grinning at him.

Spike laughed. "Insatiable little minx. I haven't made you bowlegged yet?"

Buffy shrugged. "I could be bowleggeder."

"Well, in that case, let's definitely get you fed," Spike said as he rolled off the bed. He lifted her up from under the covers, cradling her against his chest.

"You gonna carry me around?" Buffy asked as her arms wrapped around him.

"Yep. Gotta give those pretty legs a rest for all that time they'll spend up in the air later," Spike replied, wagging his eyebrows.

"Promises, promises," Buffy teased, shaking her head.

Spike's eyes grew smoldering, his expression a leer. "You know it is, baby." He ran one hand down the side of her arm, letting it graze against her bare chest. "It's been so long…" His head dipped, his teeth and lips moving against her neck. "Gotta mark you as mine again."

His words, his tone, were so possessive that Buffy knew as a modern woman of the 21st Century, she should be protesting. Instead, she groaned, a rush of moisture between her legs. "Spike…" she gasped, her tone a plea, though even she wasn't sure if she was asking for mercy or something else.

Spike didn't give her mercy. Breakfast forgotten for the time being, he tossed her back on the bed, her legs dangling over the edge for just a moment before he grabbed them and hoisted them up over his hips, showing her he did indeed keep his promises. His left hand went to the front of his jeans, where he made quick work of the buttons, then pulled out his cock. He stroked it quickly, bringing it back to full hardness. His kept his eyes on Buffy, watching as she watched him, her pink tongue darting out to moisten her lips.

He leaned in, rubbing the tip of his cock against her wet folds, loving the way it made her gasp, then moan low in her throat. "Do you want me inside, baby?" Spike asked, his voice dropping to the deep octave that always made Buffy melt.

"Yes, please…" Buffy begged. Already, she was desperate for him, as if they hadn't already made love over and over again both that morning and the night before. "I need you."

"Do you, Buffy?" he asked, a note of insecurity there, mixed in with the desire.

Buffy didn't miss it. She locked her eyes with his. "Yes. I'll always need you, Spike. Always."

Her fingers grasped the edge of the bed as he slid into her, yelling her name as he did. She felt so tight, so hot around him, and Spike wanted to pound into her, to give himself that physical reminder that she was his again. However, he knew she'd been sore that morning, and his desire came after her comfort.

"I want to take you hard, kitten," Spike told her, his eyes almost back with lust. "Can I do that?"

At his words, Buffy's brain all but shut off, and she surprised herself by actually managing a nod. Spike reached under her, his hands cupping her bottom to lift her up at an angle, then began to move, quickly setting a fast, hard pace.

Buffy knew if she had any sense at all, she wouldn't be doing this. She was still tender and her muscles ached, telling her she needed to slow things down, work back up to the all day shag-a-thons she and Spike had once indulged in. But her body was presently making a much more convincing argument than her mind, so she surrendered herself to walking funny for days as she arched her back, moaning loudly with Spike's every thrust.

Her eyes had closed on their own accord when he'd started, but Buffy opened them now, looking up at Spike standing above her. His head was thrown back, his every muscle straining as he thrust in and out of her with wild abandon, and Buffy was struck by just how beautiful he really was.

God, the man was perfect…

Suddenly, his eyes snapped open, and he looked at her, so much lust directed towards her Buffy gasped. Her body trembled, balanced on the edge of frustration and bliss.

"This is where you belong, Buffy," Spike said, his voice surprisingly even given the fast movement of his hips. "You belong with me. Tell me you know that. Tell me you understand."

Buffy swallowed, her mouth dry. "I…I know, Spike. I know."

"Did you miss this?" Spike asked her with a twist of his hips that made her cry out. "Did you lay awake at night, alone in your bed, and wish I was inside you?"

"Yes…" she told him, her body tensing further. Before, in the bathtub, had been about reconnecting, about reunion. It had been tender, loving. But this…this was about reclamation. Spike was making sure she was his again, marking her to soothe his own fears.

"Say it, Buffy. Say it now."

She didn't have to ask what he meant. She knew him so well, knew him like he was an extension of herself.

"I love you."

At her words, Spike shouted, a wordless cry as he slammed into her hard one more time then held, his cock jerking inside of her as his orgasm began. Buffy was seconds behind him, and she scratched at the sheets, her head thrashing from side to side as she came violently.

As his orgasm subsided, Spike's legs began to tremble, and he wasn't able to stop himself from sinking down to the ground, Buffy sliding off the bed to go with him, straddling his bent legs as they sat on the floor. She rested her head against his shoulder, panting as she struggled to catch her breath.

After a moment, she giggled. "What's so funny, luv?" Spike asked, his hand stroking her back.

"And you said my legs didn't work. You couldn't even keep yourself upright."

Spike laughed with her. "They were working."

Buffy pulled back, searching his face for a moment before she met his eyes. "I am yours, Spike. Completely yours. Always."

"I know, baby." He leaned in, his lips trembling as he kissed her brow. "Come on, let's get cleaned up so we can eat reheated omelet."

With a soft chuckle from Buffy, they helped each other to their feet.

*** *** ***


Yeah, I know the last three chapters have been like all sex, but they won't knock it off. I really tried to get them out of the bedroom this time, but nope, it was a no go. Sorry if you're bored with all the gratuitous smut…

Please review!
Chapter Sixty-Two by Addie Logan
Buffy had convinced Spike to let her borrow a t-shirt and a pair of sweatpants, pointing out to him that if they tried to eat breakfast while she was naked, they were never going to actually get any food in their systems and then they'd have no energy for more sex. Reluctantly, he'd conceded to her logic.

Now, she was seated with Spike at the table of a breakfast nook he had, set slightly off from his very large, very fancy looking kitchen. Had Buffy been able to actually cook a decent meal, she'd want to do it there.

But Spike had always been the better chef in the relationship, and from the breakfast she'd just finished eating, that hadn't changed. How the man could make something as simple as an omelette that tasty was still something she couldn't figure out.

Spike reached across the table and took her hand, lacing their fingers together, unable to stop the large grin spreading over his face. This morning was perfect—the way he wished every morning could be for the rest of his life.

Buffy smiled back and gave his hand a squeeze. "This feels almost like a dream," she said after a moment. "It was only a little over a week ago when I wasn't sure if I'd ever see you again, and then here we are, all with the happy togetherness."

"I know." Spike chuckled. "It really didn't take us long to get back together, did it?"

"Not once we saw each other again," Buffy replied with a shake of her head. Then, she glanced down at the table, her smile waning. "I guess we really did just waste three years."

"Don't dwell on that, pet. Like I said last night, this time may have been good for us, gave us a little time to grow and realize how much we really do want to be together." Buffy looked back up at him, and Spike winked. "Besides, it gave me lots of ideas for new songs, which is something."

Buffy laughed. "I heard one of them, I think. That 'Long Time' one. You sounded, um…bitter."

"I was," Spike replied, looking somewhat sheepish.

"Are there others?" Buffy asked. "You said you had lots of ideas…"

"Yeah, there's others. Some that turned out all right, some didn't." He coughed. "I actually wrote one last week, after that first phone conversation."

"You did? Can I hear it?"

"It's still sort of rough. I don't know if it's any good…" Spike said, his hand slipping from hers.

"So? I've heard songs of yours when they were in progress before." She took his hand again. "I want to know how you were feeling that night, Spike."

Spike gave it some thought for a moment before he stood. "Come on. My guitar's in the other room."

Buffy got up from the table and followed him out of the kitchen, looking around the house as she did. She realized it was probably one of the nicest homes she'd ever been in—and surprisingly clean considering Spike lived there.

"You have maid service, don't you," Buffy comment.

"Bloody hell, yeah," Spike replied. "If I didn't, this place would go all to hell." He stopped at a door and pushed it open. "In here, luv."

Buffy followed Spike in, surveying the room. It was fairly empty, with only a piano and a couple of chairs and a couch, Spike's guitar leaning against the edge. A pad of paper with a pen was tossed beside the couch, and Buffy quickly surmised this must be where he retreated to write.

"Have a seat, kitten," Spike said, gesturing to the couch before he picked up his guitar and sat in one of the chairs.

Buffy sat, her hands folded in her lap. Spike got comfortable in his own seat and took a deep breath. "It's been a while since I've played a new song for anyone like this," he told her. "Usually it's just the band or Dawn. I can trust her to be blunt, plus she's my in with the young people." He winked.

"So you didn't like…write songs for Eve?" Buffy asked.

"Um, no." Spike cleared his throat. "Eve was, well, Eve was an attempt to move on, but not a successful one—obviously. She seemed nice when we met, and it had been a long time since I'd been with a woman who wasn't all star-struck. Almost every woman I met after you just wanted Spike the rock star, and I thought Eve wanted something different." He shook his head. "I guess I'm an idiot."

Buffy reached out and put her hand on his knee. "She played you, Spike. She's an actress, remember?"

"Yeah, but not a very good one," Spike replied. "Did you see her last movie? Utter shite from beginning to end."

"Well, yeah it was," Buffy said with a laugh. "But you wanted to believe her, and that doesn't make you an idiot. You were lonely—of course you wanted to be with someone."

"I never loved her. I never even said the words, even when she said them to me a few times," Spike admitted. "I couldn't. My heart was still yours."

"I know, honey," Buffy replied as she stroked his thigh. "I'm not upset that you dated her. Well, not now that it's over anyway. I was seriously jealous there for a while, but you're mine again, and I don't care one way or another about Eve Hart anymore."

"That makes two of us," Spike muttered.

Buffy patted his leg then pulled back up. "Okay, sing the song. I wanna hear."

Spike took a deep breath, trying to calm his nerves. It was hard now to believe he'd written this song only a week earlier with how much things had changed since then. He really hoped he didn't hate it…

He looked down as he started to strum the guitar, knowing he'd never be able to do this if he was looking right at her. Gathering up his courage, Spike opened his mouth and began to sing.

"I know I shouldn't be calling you so late;
It's kinda hard to talk right now.
Honey, why you crying, is everything okay?
I gotta whisper 'cause I can't be too loud."

Only four lines in, and Buffy already had tears in her eyes. Spike sang with so much emotion, letting her feel the pain he'd felt when he'd written the words.

"Well, my girl's in the next room,
Sometimes I wish she was you;
I guess we never really moved on.
It's really good to hear your voice saying my name,
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel,
Hearing those words, it makes me weak.
Let it die; I should just say goodbye.
But girl, you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel."

Listening to him now reminded Buffy of the first time she'd ever heard him sing a song he'd written for her. He'd called her an angel then, too—was that what she was to him? Even now, after the way she'd broken his heart?

"I shouldn't be calling you tonight,
But I had a dream of you again.
And does he know you're talking to me?
Will it start a fight?
No, I don't think she has a clue."

Looking back, Buffy didn't know she ever could've thought she could build something with Robin. She'd never felt even a fraction of what she felt now for Spike for Robin. Spike touched her heart in ways no man ever could, even her own Angel… She could admit that now without the guilt it once would've caused her, could accept that despite the pain she'd suffered from her former lover's death, Spike was the one person she wanted to be with.

On the surface, they'd always seemed like opposites, but Buffy knew in truth, they were two halves of a whole.

"Well, my girl's in the next room,
Sometimes I wish she was you;
I guess we never really moved on.
It's really good to hear your voice saying my name.
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel,
Hearing those words, it makes me weak.
Let it die; I should just say goodbye.
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel."

Spike grew silent, taking a moment before he set his guitar down and looked up, needing to know what Buffy thought. Before he could ask, however, Buffy launched herself into his arms, stopping any questions he had with a kiss.

She pulled away, then began to pepper his face with smaller kisses, each one punctuated with one statement.

"I love you."

His throat constricted, tears in his eyes as Spike lifted Buffy up and carried her back over to the couch, laying them down with his body stretched over hers. He knew they'd been doing this a lot over the past twenty-four hours, but he couldn't seem to find words strong enough to tell her how he felt. He wasn't even sure the words existed…

But when he moved inside of her, their limbs entangled, he could look into her eyes and know she knew.

They fumbled at each other's clothes, Buffy's hands trembling as she pulled at the buttons of his jeans, while Spike struggled to pull the sweatpants off her body without having to move away from her.

When he pushed inside her, they cried out together in relief, everything seeming right again.

Their eyes stayed locked, both green and blue holding a promise among the tears.

They'd never be alone again…

*** *** ***


Buffy lay content in Spike's arms, the room around them highlighted by the sunset coming in through the windows. She was sore and tired, yet she welcomed it, as with those feelings came fulfillment, both physical and emotional.

"I don't want to move," Buffy said as she snuggled closer to her lover's bare chest.

Spike kissed the top of her head. "Then don't, pet. I'm certainly not going to throw you out."

"But it's Sunday, which means I've got work in the morning," Buffy replied. "And this house of yours—so not anywhere near the neighborhood of my school."

"Call in sick. As achy as I'm betting you'll be in the morning anyway, it won't really even be lying."

"I shouldn't. I have kids who want to meet with me." She looked up, sighing at the sight of Spike's pout. "Okay, I'm starting to see why you always crumble when I do that."

The pout quickly turned to a grin. "Does that mean you're crumbling?"

She sighed. "I shouldn't…" Immediately, the pout returned, and Buffy rolled her eyes. "Fine. I'll play hooky so I can stay in bed with you."

His pout now back to a smile, Spike hugged her tightly. "You'll be happy you stayed."

Buffy hugged him back, not doubting that for a moment. If it were possible, she'd put reality on hold indefinitely, so this feeling would never end. Since they'd gotten rid of Eve the night before, the world had seemed to narrow to just the two of them, with all of their past troubles and woes forgotten in this haven they'd created.

"You better call the bit, though," Spike said after a moment. "I'm sure she's quick enough to figure out why you didn't come home, but she'll still gripe if you don't give her a call."

"That and she's probably salivating wanting to know what happened," Buffy added. She rolled away from Spike and took the phone off of the receiver.

"It's the first number on speed dial," Spike said.

Buffy glanced over at him. "You know, that first night you called, I actually wondered how you got the number, until I realize you'd have it because of Dawn."

"You didn't change it when I moved out either," Spike pointed out.

"Oh. Right. There is that, too." She stuck her tongue out at him.

Spike leered. "Don't offer unless you plan to follow through, baby."

"Let me make this phone call, and I will," Buffy countered.

"Then by all means, hurry up and call," Spike replied, his eyebrow raising.

Buffy did then, listening to the rings until her sister picked up.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Dawn. It's Buffy."

"Let me guess, you and Spike went at it like rabid bunnies on crack, and you're calling to tell me that you're just staying over there tonight because your legs aren't working?"

"Uh…well, that's one way to put it, I suppose."

"Are you calling in sick to work tomorrow, too?"

"I was thinking I would."

"I'll back you up if you want. Claim you're oozing from various places."

Buffy winced. "I think we can forego any talk of oozing."

"Okay. Well, I don't think I have to ask how things went, since you're obviously back together, but just so you know, I will be having a major squeal-fest as soon as you hang up the phone."

Buffy smirked. "And with as loud as you get, I'll probably be able to hear it, too."

"Ha ha. Well, I'll let you get back to boffing Spike," Dawn said, her tone teasing.

"Shut up."

"Make me." Dawn laughed. "Have fun, Buffy. Oh, and tell Spike he owes me a pony now. Bye!"

Before Buffy could say anything else, the line went dead. She hung up the phone, then looked over at Spike. "Dawn says you owe her a pony. What's that all about?"

Spike sighed. "We had this bet. Bit always said we'd get back together, I said we wouldn't, and she said if we did, I'd have to buy her a pony."

"A pony is so not fitting in my apartment, Spike."

As soon as Buffy said that, the urge to ask her to move in with him pushed to the front of Spike's mind, but he bit his tongue. As happy as the past couple days had been, he still felt he had to tread lightly with Buffy. She'd said forever, but she'd said that before, too. He'd have to be careful until he could figure out exactly where he stood with her this time.

Although if he had his way, they'd already be on a plane to Vegas…

"Never said it had to be a real pony," Spike countered. "They still make those little plastic ones with the freaky eyes and drawings on their arses?"

"My Little Pony?" Buffy asked, her eyebrow cocked.

"Yeah, those bloody things."

She laughed. "I think so."

"Good. I'll buy her one of those." In a flash, his eyes were full of lust again, and Buffy knew thoughts of Dawn had already gone. "Now what was this you said earlier about 'follow through?'"

Buffy grinned before she dove under the covers.

*** *** ***


I had only planned to use James's songs in this fic, but then I got an email from BuffyRat (thanks again!) who pointed out that this song seemed to fit the fic well. So, I reworked some of the words and put it in the fic. And to give credit where credit is due, the song is "Lips of an Angel" and the original version is done by Hinder.

Please review!
Chapter Sixty-Three by Addie Logan
By the time Monday evening rolled around, Buffy still didn't want to leave Spike's house. That weekend had been one the best she'd had in a long time—if ever—and she was reluctant to go back to real life. Part of her couldn't help but worry that once they were faced with reality again they wouldn't be able to sustain the relationship they'd rebuilt over the last couple of days. She'd known when she'd convinced him to go on a date with her that ideally, they should take things slow, spend more time than they already had sorting out their problems and deciding what they really wanted from the relationship before they tumbled into bed.

However, such a scenario had never shown to be very plausible for them. When Spike was near, her hormones went into overdrive and she couldn't seem to control herself anymore. She was grateful they'd at least gotten a few meaningful conversations in over the phone, where the distance had allowed for them to use their tongues for actual speaking instead of other things.

Even after two days of more sex than probably should've been humanly possible—and the sore muscles to show for it—Buffy still wanted him. As she sat in the passenger's seat of his car on the drive back to her own apartment, it took every bit of her willpower not to ask him to turn right back around.

When they finally stopped in her parking lot, Buffy felt her heart drop in her chest. Never before had she been less happy to be home. She wished she was back in Spike's bed, snuggled against him, safe beneath silk sheets.

Instead, she had to go back to her life.

"So how exactly are we going to work this?" she asked, her eyes forward, gazing through the windshield of the old DeSoto instead of at him.

"What do you mean?" Spike asked.

Buffy sighed, then turned. "I mean, are we going to date now? I see you on weekends? Where do we stand now?"

"I don't know," Spike replied honestly, his hand running through his hair. He paused for a moment, then grinned. "I'd be perfectly fine with whisking you away to some island somewhere where no one could bother us, but I suppose that would be a bit irresponsible seeing as how we both have obligations and all."

"Yeah…" Buffy kicked at the floor in front of her. "Stupid obligations."

With a soft chuckle, Spike reached out and took her hand. "How about we just take this one day at a time then, yeah? The album's being released on Thursday, and the label's throwing a release party tomorrow night. Come with me? I promise I won't keep you out so late you won't be able to go to work in the morning."

Buffy worried her bottom lip between her teeth. She really shouldn't—not in the middle of the week. She'd already missed one day of work already, and her students didn't deserve her being a slacker just because she had a man in her life.

But she wanted to go with him. If they were going to be together and deal with any sort of challenges that could come with being in a relationship with potential for media scrutiny, then they needed to put up a united front from the very beginning.

Besides, Spike had told her that in the past, she hadn't been there enough for him when it came to things like this. She needed to show him she was willing to make a change there.

"I'll have to go to work Thursday," she stressed.

"I know. That's why I said I wouldn't keep you out too late." Spike took hold of her other hand so he was holding both of them. "We'll work it all out this time, Buffy. We want to be together, so we can make it work."

"I'm not losing you again, Spike."

"I know." He lifted one of her hands to his lips and gently kissed her knuckles. "It's getting late, luv. You should get on inside. And I'm not going in with you, because if I do, I won't go home, and I have a full day tomorrow. Tuesday and Wednesday both are pretty much nothing but back to back interviews and appearances."

"They're probably going to ask you how things are going with Eve. It seems interviewers really like that topic." Buffy frowned for a moment, having a twinge of bitterness with the memories of how many times she'd had to hear something about him and his movie star ex-girlfriend.

"Yeah, they probably are. I'm not planning to overshare with a million details, but I'm not going to lie about it either. Eve and I are over, and that's that." He dropped her hands and ran one of his through his hair again. "I guess I should probably call my publicist. He's going to have kittens."

"Because of me?" Buffy asked, her voice timid.

"No, because I dumped Eve this close to the album release and didn't give him a lot of time to come up with the best possible spin. It could be good press, it could be bad, I don't know right now." Spike reached out to her again, this time cupping her face in his hands and forcing her to look at him. "I don't regret any of this, Buffy. Don't even begin to worry about what it's going to do to my career. I don't bloody care, and neither should you. Yeah, it's something I have to think about these days, but it doesn't mean I give a rat's arse about what the media says about me. If people like the album, they'll buy it. If they don't, they won't."

"I'm not going to worry about it, Spike," Buffy assured him, placing one of her hands over his. "I'll just let you handle everything."

Spike grinned. "Good girl." He leaned in and kissed her, allowing himself a moment just to revel in the taste of the woman he loved. "We're going to be okay, Buffy," he said as he broke away. "It might be a little bumpy the first couple of days, and the tabloid stories could get pretty crazy, but they don't mean a thing. Eventually, someone's going to get knocked up by a back-up dancer or molest some set furniture, and they'll forget all about us, yeah?"

Buffy giggled. "Okay. I trust you, Spike."

"Glad to hear it. Now get in the bloody apartment before I can't control myself any longer and I have to kidnap you, take you to that island."

"You know, that's really not giving me the motivation to go anywhere."

"Yeah, that didn't really work for me either." Spike tugged her forward to kiss her again.

"I feel like I'm back in high school and my mom's going to come out and yell at me to get in the house at any moment," Buffy said before stealing another kiss.

"Better get you in before you're grounded then," Spike teased, only to capture her lips again.

Finally, they managed to break away, both panting for air. "Okay, apartment. Gotta go in."

Spike cleared his throat. "Right. I'll call you tomorrow so we can talk about the party."

"Okay. Good night, Spike."

"Good night, kitten. Love you."

Buffy smiled. "Love you, too."

She got out of the car and made it a few feet past the curb before she turned around and ran back to the drivers' side of the car. Spike rolled down the window and Buffy leaned in, her foot coming off the ground as she leaned into the car to kiss him one more time. Then, with a smile, she left, disappearing into the building.

Spike couldn't do anything but grin.

*** *** ***


Dawn was watching television when Buffy came into the apartment, and she turned to look over the back of the couch at her sister. "Well, don't you look happy." Then, with a teasing look, she added, "And limpy."

Buffy stuck out her tongue. "Shut up, you."

Dawn turned around fully, sitting up with her knees on the couch. "So…things are still good, right? You guys are all with the warm fuzzy loveness?"

"Yup, warm fuzzies galore," Buffy replied.

"I'm a little surprised you came home at all. I half expected you to just say to hell with everything and spend at least the next week shagging like bunnies."

"Dawnie!" Buffy exclaimed, blushing at her sister's words.

"What? I'm nineteen years old, Buffy. I can say shagging. As a matter of fact, I've…"

Buffy held up her hand. "Don't finish that sentence. I don't want to go there."

Dawn rolled her eyes. "Whatever."

"But I couldn't have spent the next week with him anyway," Buffy said, choosing to selectively forget portions of the conversation. "I need to get back to work."

"So you're not going to quit your job and start living the fabulous life of a rock star's girlfriend?" Dawn asked with a smirk.

"No. Tempting as it may be, my job is important to me—those kids are important to me. I can't just turn my back on them."

"I know. And it's all inspiring to have a sister who's such a good role model, or something like that."

"Oh shut up, you," Buffy said. "I'm going to take a long, hot bath."

"Gotta soak all those achy, overused muscles?" Dawn called out as Buffy started down the hall.

"Bite me!" Buffy called back.

"I bet Spike already did!" Dawn retorted.

Buffy turned around and peeked over the edge of the wall in front of the hallway. "You're twisted. Anyone ever tell you that?"

"Only everyone who's ever known me," Dawn replied proudly.

With a shake of her head and a soft laugh, Buffy turned around and went into the bathroom.

*** *** ***


The first thing Buffy noticed when she got to work the next morning was a few more police cars than usual. She pulled into her parking space slowly, hoping it wasn't another drug bust. Those always resulted in so much paperwork for her…

What she didn't expect was the rush of people who came at her almost as soon as she got out of her car, all of them yelling at her as flash bulbs went off in her face. She recognized her name in the din or intelligible questions, and suddenly a police officer was at her side, escorting her into the building as his colleagues tried to deal with the mob.

"Are you all right, miss?" the officer asked as he lead Buffy into the front office.

"Yeah, I…what's going on out there?"

"They've been camped outside for the last hour or so, and we were called in to get them off of school property. They said they were here to interview a Miss Buffy Summers. Is that you?"

Buffy nodded, her hands trembling. "Yes, but I…I wasn't expecting this."

"It's all right, Miss Summers. We'll keep them away from the building."

"Thank you," Buffy replied, not knowing what else to say in the situation. She thought maybe she should have expected something like this, but not so soon—or to this magnitude.

The police officer bid her good-bye, and Buffy walked on shaky legs back towards her office.

"What on earth did you do this weekend?" Kathy, the receptionist, asked, making Buffy stop short.

"I, um…" What could she say? It wasn't like it was really Kathy's business anyway.

"Well, you don't really have to answer, because I saw this on my way in this morning." Kathy set a magazine up on her desk.

Buffy's hands started trembling more as she looked down at the front page. There was a picture of her with Spike from the club Saturday. "Wow. They work fast."

"It hit the newsstands today," Kathy informed her, as if she were in someway being helpful.

Buffy stared at the headline, bile rising in her throat as all of her worst fears seemed to be realized.

Rock star leaves actress, caught in tryst with step-sister.

"Hey, is he really you're step-brother, Buffy? You never told me that before."

In a daze, Buffy ignored Kathy as she took the magazine and walked into her office, shutting the door behind her.

*** *** ***


Spike sat in his living room, his head buried in his hands as he waited for his police escort to arrive so he could get out of his house and to a press conference he knew was going to be a complete media circus. He'd expected to have to figure out a way to tactfully answer questions about Eve, but if the five a.m. phone call from his publicist and the photographers camped outside of his home were any indication, he was going to have to be putting up with a hell of a lot more than that.

He'd tried several times to call Buffy, but no one was at the house, and he kept getting a busy signal from the school. Somehow, he didn't think that was a good sign.

At first, it had amazed him how quickly the tabloids had gotten a hold of this story. His publicist had told him there were photos from the club, and while that didn't surprise him, the fact that Buffy had already been identified—both with a name and as his step-sister—did.

Until it dawned on him exactly how they would've gotten that information so soon. Someone had tipped them off.

And it didn't take a rocket scientist to guess who.

He wanted to throttle her. Wring her skinny little neck… Their whole relationship had been about PR to her in the first place, and now Eve was trying to see to it she was the one who came out looking better in all of this. Spike had decided in an instant he wasn't going to let that happen. If Eve wanted to play dirty, then he would, too. Anyone who asked about the break-up would get nothing but the truth.

However, in the meantime, he had been dropped right into the middle of chaos. All he could think about now was Buffy and what might be happening to her. Were the paparazzi harassing her, too? Had she seen the tabloids?

And his biggest worry of all—was this going to change her decision to get back together with him?

They were still in the early stages of rebuilding their relationship, and something like this could be detrimental to that, Spike knew. Buffy had balked and ended things at the prospect of this. How would she handle the reality?

Spike wanted to be able to convince himself everything would be fine and Buffy would stay with him this time, but he couldn't. Instead, he knew he was going to have to face what was most likely inevitable.

He was going to lose Buffy again…

*** *** ***


Please review! I really want to know what you thought of this chapter.
Chapter Sixty-Four by Addie Logan
"Are you really dating Spike? As in the lead singer of Dingoes Ate My Baby? Because that's what everyone's been saying all day."

Buffy looked at the teenager sitting across from her. Like anyone had to tell her what people had been saying all day… It was all she'd heard since she'd gotten in to work that morning. "Yes, Amanda, I'm dating Spike. Now what did you schedule this appointment to talk about?"

"Oh, that's not important," Amanda replied, waving her hand dismissively. "I want to hear about Spike." She leaned forward, her voice dropping to a conspiratorial whisper. "Does he have a big penis? Because my older sister says that the jeans he wears on stage make it so obvious how he got that nickname, but then my brother keeps trying to say it's just a sock. So which one of them is right?"

Buffy immediately turned a deep red. "I really don't think that's the sort of thing I'm supposed to be discussing with students."

"I won't tell anyone, Miss Summers, I swear."

Her hand over her eyes, Buffy mumbled quickly, "It's not a sock."

"I knew it!" Amanda shouted before looking a little sheepish and quieting down. "I can't wait to tell my stupid brother he's wrong." When Buffy scissored apart her fingers and peeked through them, Amanda added, "Without letting him know where I got the info, of course."

Buffy cleared her throat and dropped her hand back to her desk. "So, your problems, what…"

"Is he really your step-brother?"

"Well, our parents are married, but he's not my step-brother. I mean, not really. We didn't grow up together or anything."

Amanda shrugged. "That's cool. I mean, it's not like anyone can fault you for jumping all over that."

"You know, Amanda, my personal life isn't really…"

"Has he written you any songs? Because that would be so romantic."

Buffy sighed, deciding she might as well throw in the towel. Apparently, her life had just become a circus, with her relationship right in the center ring. "'Angel' is about me."

"Really?! I love that song. It's so sweet!" Amanda ceased the bouncing that had started at Buffy's admission and suddenly frowned. "But that's like a way old one."

"We dated before, when I was in college," Buffy told the girl. "We broke up right around the time the band started to hit it big, but we recently reconnected."

The bouncing began a new. "Aww! That's so sweet, too! Wow. You're an even cooler grown up than I thought. I mean, you've got a rock star for a boyfriend. That is so awesome."

"Yeah, that's me," Buffy thought. "Buffy the Rock Star Layer." She sighed inwardly. At least it seemed to be gaining her even more of the students' respect.

"So like tell me all about him. What's his favorite food? Does he snore?"

"Spicy Buffalo wings and no," Buffy replied. "Oh, and he also likes those fried onion things that look like flowers. When this place we used to go to back when we lived in New York stopped making them, he learned how to do them himself."

"Wow. Could he make them keep that weird shape?"

"Apparently you just have to soak them in ice water first."

"He sounds really smart," Amanda said, a dreamy look on her face.

Buffy's eyebrow arched. All it took to impress her was the ability to fry an onion? "Yeah, he's a regular Renaissance man. Amanda, are you sure you don't have any actual problems to talk about?"

"Oh, no. Everything's good with me actually," Amanda said. "I really just scheduled the appointment to thank you for your advice. My mom was so happy when I joined the mock trial team that she took me out for ice cream. And so far, the team hasn't even been that bad."

"I'm so happy to hear that," Buffy said, a smile on her face as her day finally got a bright spot. "So things have been going a little better at home?"

"Yeah, home's fine," Amanda said, disinterested. She leaned forward. "Hey, how often does he have to work out to get those abs? You could grate cheese on those things!"

Buffy sighed. And the day just kept getting longer…

*** *** ***


"So, you're back with Buffy, huh?"

Spike turned to the diminutive bassist on his left. After the insanity that had been the Dingoes' press conference, that was all Oz had to say?

Then, Spike remembered who he was talking to. "Yeah, I'm back with Buffy. It happened over the weekend—sort of threw me for a loop, too. Sorry it turned into this, though. I had been hoping it could stay low-key until after the album was out."

Oz shrugged. "Any publicity is good publicity. Or so they say anyway. And I always liked Buffy. A hell of a lot better than Eve. Her, I didn't like."

"I hated the bitch."

At her outburst, Spike turned towards where Mona was seated a few feet away. "Oh, now you tell me."

"Hey, I told you then, too," Mona replied, wagging her finger at Spike. "I distinctly remember saying, 'Spike, I hate the bitch. Dump her before she screws you over.'"

"I heard her say that, too," Oz conferred. "More than once."

"Rory would also say he heard it if he wasn't in the bathroom," Mona added.

Spike sighed. "Okay, maybe Eve was a lapse in judgment. But we did have things in common, and she…"

Mona arched her eyebrow. "She gave good head, didn't she?"

"Oh, you shut up," Spike grumbled, his eyes downcast in response to Mona's now-smug expression. "Besides, I think I'm paying the price for that relationship now. I'm fairly certain she was the one who leaked to the media about Buffy."

"Of course she was," Mona replied. "She's a nasty little woman, Spike. You should've seen her when you weren't around."

Spike glanced between Mona and Oz. "She was different when I wasn't here?"

Oz and Mona both nodded. "Hence the whole 'bitch' thing" Mona said.

Spike sighed heavily. "Well, at least I'm done with her."

Mona met his eyes and held his gaze. "Are you, Spike? If she'll go as far as to leak this sort of shit to the media, who knows what else she's capable of."

Spike ran his hand through his hair. "Hopefully this is the most damage she's going to do. I talked to the PR people about what really happened in the break up, and they're working on a way to try to turn it back around on her."

At that, Mona's eyes lit up. "Really? What did she do?"

Spike was about to answer her when his cell phone rang. Immediately, he snatched it out of his pocket. "Sorry. I'll tell you in a minute. That's Buffy's ring. I've been trying to get a hold of her all day."

"There's something very sad about a man who programs one of his own songs as his ringtone," Mona said, shaking her head.

Spike shot her a look. "Hush it, you." He flipped open the phone and stepped to the side, turning away from Oz and Mona even though he knew they'd be listening in—albeit less obviously in Oz's case. "Buffy?"

"Hey, Spike."

"Are you all right, luv? I've been trying to call the school, but the lines were all busy."

"The phone's been ringing off the hook here. That's why I had to call you from my cell. Apparently parents freak when they see pictures of their kids' guidance counselor hanging all over a rock star. Who knew?"

Spike winced. "Buffy, pet, I'm so sorry about all of this."

"I was there, too, Spike. It's not like you made me throw myself at you. Okay, well, it's sort of your fault for being all sexy, but you can't really be held accountable for that since you just are. But anyway, the parents calling hasn't even been the worst. There's also the media. They're freaking everywhere. Robin called the cops to come in and handle it this morning because he doesn't want them near the students, but they keep finding ways to sneak onto campus. I'm afraid to even leave the building, and they're talking about a police escort when I go home this afternoon."

"God, Buffy, I really am sorry you're having to deal with all of this."

"Yeah, me, too. Listen, I don't have a lot of time because like I said, things are crazy here, but I was mainly calling because I really need to talk to you in person—only I don't know how we're gonna work that with these people all over the place."

"Why don't I send a driver to come get you after work and bring you to my house? They'll still follow you, but at least the gates should slow them down a little."

"Yeah, okay, that should work. I'll…" Buffy stopped for a moment. "Crap, there's something going on out there. I need to go see what it is. I'll talk to you tonight."

Before Spike could say anything else, the line went dead. With a heavy sigh, he closed the phone and turned around.

"You don't look so good," Oz said.

"I'm not feeling so good," Spike admitted.

"Was that a bad conversation with Buffy?" Mona asked. "You weren't polite enough to put her on speaker phone, but your end didn't sound so great."

"She's dealing with angry parent calls and paparazzi swarming the school," Spike replied. He sighed, his gaze going downward. "I think she's going to end it again."

"What?!" Mona yelled. "But you two just got back together!"

"I know, but…" Spike looked back up. "Last weekend, I found out why she really called things off. Remember that day she came up to the studio with you, Mo? Travers had come over and told her that our relationship was going to kill my career, and that's what convinced her to leave. And now that our relationship has turned into a media circus three days in…"

"You think she's going to bail," Oz finished for him.

"Exactly."

Mona gaped for a moment, her mind still stuck on one point in particular of Spike's confession. "Wait, Travers did what?"

"He apparently told her she should end things with me," Spike replied.

"That slimey son of a bitch!" Mona yelled. "Where is he these days again? I'm going to kick his ass."

"Uh, Mo, as much as I appreciate the sentiment, I really don't think you're in a state to be kicking anyone's ass."

Mona's eyes narrowed. "Oh, just watch me." She cleared her throat. "And I also want to smack her upside the head for not telling me what was really up that day."

"Yeah, I kind of had that same thought myself, but what's done is done. I was just happy to have her back." Spike slumped. "Or at least I was. I really don't think I can sit there and listen to her tell me it's over again, especially after what we shared this weekend."

"Well, do you know that's what she's planning to do?" Oz asked. "Maybe she's not planning to break up with you at all."

"She said she wanted to talk."

Oz winced. "Ouch."

"You know," Mona said, "that isn't really universal girl code for 'your ass is dumped.' Sometimes when we say we need to talk with one of you, it really just means we need to have a conversation."

The door to the room flew open as Rory came in, immediately going back to his place at Mona's side. "One of those bastards tried to interview me in the bathroom. The last thing I want to talk about when I'm standing in front of a urinal is your sex life, Spike." He frowned. "You look like you've been kicked."

"He thinks Buffy's going to dump him," Mona supplied for the drummer.

"Again?" Rory asked, his brow furrowing. "Hasn't she already done that once?"

"Our relationship is causing problems for her at work." Spike sighed. "It's causing problems for me at work. I'm really sorry to get you all caught up in this, too. I know you weren't prepared for the insanity out there today."

Oz shrugged. "Personally, I'm always prepared for insanity."

Rory pointed beside him. "I live with her. Insanity is like my natural habitat." Rory winced as Mona smacked his shoulder. "Ow."

"I know, but…" Spike paused for a moment, trying to reign in his frustration. "This entire press conference was supposed to be about the album, and instead it turned into a sodding high school gossip fest. And Brian…"

"Brian threw a fit and stormed out," Rory said with a shrug. "As if that hasn't happened so many times we've all lost count."

"He's got a point. If Brian didn't throw a tantrum at least twice a week, my entire worldview would be skewed," Oz said.

Spike chuckled slightly. "Thanks for the support. All of you. It means a lot."

"Well, we like you, Spike," Mona replied. "Even though you're a moron."

"Thanks, Mo. I think."

"No one's about to hug, are they?" Oz asked. "Because I don't hug."

"You do when you're drunk," Rory pointed out with a smirk.

"You were never going to mention that again," Oz replied, his face still expressionless.

Mona rolled her eyes, then turned back to Spike. "Okay, we all know Buffy's a bit…well, Buffy. I always liked the girl. Hell, I've missed having her around these past few years. But she's got her issues. However, she loves you, Spike. It was always obvious, and if she's carried a torch for you for three years, somehow I don't see her throwing in the towel so quickly after getting you back. You're going to talk to her tonight?"

Spike nodded. "Yeah. I'm going to do my best to get her to my house after she gets off work."

"Good. You can talk to her then, and if she is thinking about bolting, grow a spine and convince her to stay this time. But until then, just chill. No use getting all mopey over something that hasn't happened yet."

"I guess you're right," Spike said. "I'm just not exactly having the best day."

"Well, no," Mona conceded, "but that doesn't mean it's going to get topped off with another break-up."

"I'm not so certain about that."

Mona gave an exasperated sigh. "Oz, hit him for me."

"Oi!" Spike yelled as Oz reached up and hit him on the back of the head.

Oz shrugged. "She told me to."

"You needed it," Mona insisted.

"You're possibly right." Spike pulled a chair out from a nearby table and flopped down.

"I usually am right," Mona amended. "This is no exception. I know Buffy loves you, and if she got back with you, it's because she couldn’t live without you, plain and simple. So chill, William."

Spike nodded, hoping beyond hope that this wasn't the one time she was wrong.

*** *** ***


Personally, I sort of liked this chapter, but let me know what you thought. Please review!
Chapter Sixty-Five by Addie Logan
Buffy left work as soon as she could that afternoon, hoping to draw off the paparazzi so her colleagues could go home in peace. It worked, but then she was stuck having to deal with them.

She was glad Spike had sent a driver like he said he would. She didn't much like driving anyway, and she doubted she would've been able to handle driving all the way out to his place while being followed. This way, she could just hide behind the tinted windows and let it all be in someone else's hands for a change.

When the gates in front of Spike's home closed behind the car, Buffy felt a small amount of relief. The reporters were locked out, and anything past this point would classify as undeniable trespassing. Maybe she could have a moment's peace now.

The driver let her out near the front door, and she stepped out of the car, smoothing down her skirt as she stood. Spike opened the door almost immediately, and she rushed to him as fast as she could in her high heels. Buffy threw her arms around him, burying her face against the side of his neck as he returned her embrace.

"I've missed you all day," Buffy said, holding him tighter. "All I could think about was how I wanted to get to you."

Spike let out a deep breath as he felt a rush of relief go through him. She wasn't going to leave him… Apparently, Mona had been right. Again. One of these days, he'd stop doubting her. Maybe.

He kissed the top of Buffy's head before he said softly, "Let's go in where we can have a little more privacy, all right, luv? Bloody telephoto lenses and all of that."

Buffy pulled back slightly, though not away from him. "Okay."

Spike waved to the driver who responded with a nod before he got back into his car. Then, he brought Buffy into the house with him. "Do you need anything, kitten?" Spike asked as he locked the door.

"Just you," Buffy replied. She smiled. "I'm already feeling a little better."

"Good."

"So are there like servants around or anything like that?" Buffy asked.

Spike shook his head. "No. I just have a maid service that comes in three times a week. No permanent staff or valets or anything like that. Most stuff I can handle by myself, and the idea of someone always in my house like that kind of weirds me out."

Buffy chuckled. "Good. I didn't really feel like dealing with anyone who's not you right now."

"You don't have to."

They walked together into the living room, taking a seat on the couch. Buffy leaned against his chest, relaxing as Spike ran his hand through her hair.

"I'm sort of scared to go home," Buffy admitted after a moment. "I'm not even sure if they know where I live yet, but if I went there, then they'd definitely find out. Besides, I don't have a gate. They could just camp right outside my door—which they could be doing right now, for all I know."

"You can stay here until this all blows over," Spike offered.

Buffy looked up at him. "I'm glad you offered, because I was planning to anyway. Dawn's at her friend Kit's dorm on campus. She didn't want to go home either. She said she might come camp out here later, but I think she wanted to give us some time alone."

"She's more than welcome, too. She's already got a room here anyway. Do you want me to call Mona and Rory and ask them to go by your apartment and get some of your things? At least enough so you don't have to go back into work in the same outfit you wore today."

"You think they'd do that?" Buffy asked.

"Of course. They just live right up the road. I'll just ask them to come by and get your apartment keys and then they can go get whatever you need. Rory's good at losing trailers anyway. He gets a kick out of messing with them."

Buffy giggled. "Somehow, that doesn't surprise me."

Spike kissed her softly before he got off the couch. "I'll go call them."

Buffy relaxed against the cushions of Spike's couch, trying to tell herself everything was going to be okay. The paparazzi couldn't possibly show this much interest in them forever, could they?

Either way, it was becoming very clear to Buffy what her life with Spike was going to be like—even more so than it had been when she'd thought about it in the abstract. Everywhere they went, he'd be recognized. Their privacy was going to be very limited. On top of that, she was apparently now a person of interest as far as the tabloids were concerned, which was something she'd never really fully considered before. She'd thought the majority of it would be focused on Spike. It had never occurred to her that she'd have to face things like a gaggle of reporters outside her work. And she'd certainly never considered the possibility that she'd ever be afraid to go home the way she was now.

"Rory and Mona will be over in a few minutes," Spike said as he walked back into the living room. "They said they don't mind helping out like this at all."

Buffy looked down at her hands. "I feel bad for not keeping in touch with her. I thought about her a lot, but after what happened between you and me, I didn't know what to say to her. I knew she'd manage to wheedle the truth out of me, and I didn't really want you to know."

Spike sat down beside Buffy and cupped her chin so he could tilt her face back up towards his. "I know, luv. But it's okay. Mona will understand. She still likes you."

"I still feel bad."

Spike kissed her forehead. "It's all right. The past is done with. You're sticking around this time, aren't you?" He'd felt since Buffy threw her arms around him at his front door that she probably wasn't going to dump him again tonight, but he still wanted the assurance of hearing her say the words.

"Of course I am. I love you, Spike. I want to be with you."

"I love you, too, kitten."

"Do you realize you've got enough people to start another Woodstock outside your house?"

Spike turned sharply towards the sound of Mona's voice. "Why did I give you people a key again?"

"So we could barge in your house whenever we wanted," Rory replied. "Hi, Buffy."

"Hi, Rory. Hi, Mo…" Buffy trailed off, her eyes widening. "Oh my god, Mona, you're pregnant!"

Mona laughed. "Yes, I am. Eight months along, as a matter of fact." She put her hand to her rounded belly. "The stud over there is quite pleased with himself," she added, jerking her head towards Rory.

Buffy got off the couch, though stopped short right before she reached the couple. "Well, congratulations." She paused and began to wring her hands. "And it's good to see you again."

"You, too," Mona said with a warm smile. She opened up her arms. "Come here. Give me a hug if you can reach me."

Buffy smiled back, hugging Mona the best she could over the auburn-haired woman's pregnant stomach. After a moment, she pulled back. "I'm sorry I…"

"Didn't call? Didn't write?" Mona supplied, though her smile was teasing. "It's okay, Buffy. I thought you were completely nuts for leaving Spike, but I could get why you were distancing yourself. And well, after Spike told me what Travers did…" She paused and cleared her throat. "Lynch mob anybody?"

"I can get torches," Rory offered.

Mona rolled her eyes. "He's a pyro," she mock-whispered to Buffy, making her giggle. "Anyway, Blondie over there says you're in need of our paparazzi-evading services."

"You really don't mind going over there for me?" Buffy asked.

"Not at all," Mona replied, shaking her head. She added with a wink. "I never pass up an opportunity to rifle through someone's things."

"Well, knock yourself out with mine, you won't find anything interesting," Buffy said with a laugh.

"That's what they all say."

"Just give us a list of what you want us to get, Buffy," Rory said. "I'll make sure she behaves herself."

Mona snorted. "Please don't tell me you're still under that delusion, dear."

"I'll go make the list," Buffy said, laughing. "Spike, do you have paper around somewhere?"

"There's a study down that hall," Spike said, pointing. "Third door on the left."

"Okay. I'll be back in a few minutes." Buffy walked off, unable to keep from chuckling as she heard Mona and Rory bickering behind her. Even after three years, being around them felt comfortable, familiar.

Eventually, everything with the press would calm down. She was sure of it. Spike had said any sort of problem they faced where this was concerned would just blow over in time, and she believed him. After all, he'd been in this world for three years now—shouldn't he know better than her?

It was only temporary, and the effects wouldn't be lasting. She was back with the man she loved and she had her life going exactly where she wanted it with her job. Things were perfect, paparazzi be damned.

With a smile, Buffy switched on the light in Spike's study and began to search for a pad of paper.

*** *** ***


"Would you mind if I asked them to stay for dinner after they get back?" Spike asked once Rory and Mona had set off for Buffy's. "I know you said you didn't want anyone around but me…"

Buffy shook her head. "No, I don't mind at all. They are going way across town to get my things for me after all. Besides, I've missed them. It'll be nice to catch up."

"Good." Spike leaned in and gave her a quick kiss. "I'm going to fix something to eat then. Keep me company in the kitchen?"

Buffy grinned. "Ooh. I always loved doing that. You're so sexy when you cook."

"So you've claimed in the past," Spike replied with a laugh.

They walked together to the kitchen, and once there, Buffy took a seat on one of the counters. Spike smiled, the familiarity of seeing her there—even a different kitchen than it had been in the past—warming his heart.

"Whatcha gonna cook?" Buffy asked as Spike went over to the refrigerator and started digging around.

"Chicken alfredo. It's easy."

"Says you, Mr. I-Could-Be-On-the-Food-Network," Buffy said. Suddenly, a memory popped into her mind, and she smiled. "Hey, that was the first thing you ever cooked for me."

Spike started setting ingredients out on one of the non-Buffy occupied counters. "Yeah, it was."

"I was surprised to see you could cook anything. Little did I know, that was just the tip of the culinary iceberg."

"Well, somebody had to feed you," Spike said, closing the refrigerator door. "You were scarily thin. I had to get some meat on your bones before you blew away in the next strong wind."

Buffy responded by sticking out her tongue, and Spike chuckled. "I've told you to keep that in your mouth unless you're advertising, luv," her said her with a leer.

"You have got the dirtiest mind in the world," Buffy informed him with a roll of her eyes.

"Well, what do you expect me to think?" Spike asked. "I know what that tongue of yours can do." As if emphasizing his point, he shivered at the memories.

"I'll blow you later, dear. Right now, you make with the delicious, carb-filled goodness."

Spike shook his head, laughing as he turned back to the food. His earlier doubts were quickly fading faster as he and Buffy seemed to slip easily back into domesticity. At the moment, it wouldn't even take much to pretend the past three years hadn't happened at all.

He put the chicken in the microwave to thaw, then put on a pot of water for boiling the noodles. When he turned back to Buffy, she was watching him, a smile on her face that he couldn't help but return. He met her eyes.

"I love you."

Her smile widening, Buffy replied, "I love you, too."

*** *** ***


Apparently several people didn't like the scene with Amanda in the last chapter. I'm sorry if people found it irritating and/or completely unrealistic. Yes, I do realize Buffy shouldn't have that sort of conversation with her student. However, people don't always do exactly what they should. It was neither a conversation she initiated nor one she wanted to have, and the reason I had it in the story—and let it go that way—was to show both how tired and exasperated Buffy was with everything and how caught up the school is in Buffy's life now. I guess from some of the reviews I got I didn't do a very good job of expressing that for everyone, but I think given the situation and the personalities involved, it's a plausible scene, and I stand behind it as being a justifiable part of the story.

Also, I know this chapter is a day early. This is the Friday chapter. I'm leaving to go out of town very soon and won't be here tomorrow to update, so I'm posting it tonight. There will be no new chapter tomorrow. The next new chapter will be Monday.

Please review!
Chapter Sixty-Six by Addie Logan
As she and Spike got ready for bed that evening, Buffy found herself noting how much better the end of the day was than the start of it. Dinner with Rory and Mona had been pleasant, and Buffy was glad to have them back in her life. She'd missed them both, though she'd especially missed Mona over the years, and she was grateful the other woman didn't seem to be holding a grudge.

After the other couple had gone home, Spike had coaxed her into his bathtub with him, and now she felt comfortably relaxed and sated. She'd snagged one of his t-shirts to sleep in, and now that she was snuggling down under the covers, she couldn't be happier. She had no doubt she'd have to deal with the media and concerned parents again in the morning, but knowing she could follow it up by coming home to Spike made it not as hard to face.

She hadn't talked to Robin much that day since the phone calls had kept him pretty busy, but he'd told her the school board was looking into what they could do to keep the paparazzi as far away from school grounds as possible.

Spike joined her in the bed, immediately pulling her into his arms. As if he were able to read her mind, he asked, "Are you still planning on going into work tomorrow, luv?"

"Yes," Buffy replied without hesitation. "I'm not going to let them run my life. I love my job, and I care about my students—I'm not just going to turn my back on them because I don't feel like dealing with the media. That's what's pissed me off the most about all of this, you know? They have no right to interfere with the education of so many kids like that."

"I know." Spike kissed her hair. "You really do care about what you do, don't you, sweetheart?"

"I do," Buffy told him. "I want to help teenagers. So many people just blow them off as 'problems' or 'going through a phase,' and I feel like if someone had taken a different approach with me, maybe I wouldn't have had to go through so much pain. I want to help them. I want to save them."

"There's not a lot of people out there willing to do that," Spike said, his arms tightening around her. "You really are an amazing woman, Buffy."

"I don't really feel like it should be anything special. I'm just doing what I feel is right."

"So many people don't," Spike replied. "But then again, I knew a long time ago you weren't like most people."

Buffy moved just enough out of his arms so she could look at his face. "So you're okay with me working as a high school guidance counselor? It's not like, I don't know, not glamorous enough?"

Spike frowned. "Why would I care about that?"

Buffy shrugged. "I don't know. You've got this whole new life…"

"No, not really," he told her, shaking his head. "Sure, I've got some new stuff, a posh house, but I'm the same man I was three years ago. I'd never try to keep you from doing something you obviously love so much. All I want in the world is for you to be happy."

"I am happy," Buffy replied. "I mean, yeah, I wish the annoying campers outside would move along, but if that's what I have to put up with to be with you, then I can accept it. You told me we could get through any sort of backlash together, and I'm holding you to that."

"Then I won't let you down," Spike promised as he leaned in to kiss her.

After he pulled away, Buffy yawned and nuzzled against his chest, getting herself situated. "I love you, Spike."

"I love you, too, pet."

Buffy smiled as her eyes drifted shut and she let the rhythm of Spike's breathing lull her to sleep.

*** *** ***


Buffy groaned as her alarm went off significantly earlier than she was used to. That was the one real downside to staying over at Spike's—she had to get up early enough to go all the way across town to work.

She turned off the alarm and started to get out of the bed, but stopped when Spike's arm fell over her, holding her in place. He pulled her back across the mattress to him and nuzzled the back of her neck.

"Do you have to get up right now, luv?" he asked, his voice deep and husky from sleep.

Buffy trembled, unable to control her immediate reaction to him. "I should," she replied, even as she arched back to give his lips better access,

"You sure, pet? You can't stay long enough to help me take care of this?" He thrust his erection against her backside, slipping in between her legs and rubbing himself against her damp folds.

Buffy whimpered, her mind fogging and making her forget why she was supposed to be getting out of the bed in the first place. Spike took the sound as a sign of compliance and lifted her leg up over his so he could slide into her from behind.

His hands crept under the t-shirt she wore to tweak her nipples, and Buffy arched against him. The room was still dark—dawn not yet broken—and Buffy let herself get lost in Spike's touch and the feelings it invoked. His strokes were almost lazy, slow as he wasn't fully awake, but every one hit its mark, driving her towards the edge as quickly as one of their more frantic couplings.

"You gonna come for me, baby?" Spike rumbled against her, nipping at her ear. The simple question made Buffy moan, doing much to drive her closer to her peak.

"Spike…ooh…" Buffy's eyes fluttered, her breathing coming in sharp pants. She was so close. If he would just…

Suddenly, his hand was between her legs. He slid over her mound, gently caressing her before he leaned in further, his teeth clamping onto the junction of her neck and shoulder just as his finger found her clit and flicked it hard.

Buffy wailed in release, the slight pain from his bite mixing with the pleasure between her legs and sending her topping over into orgasm. Spike followed her into bliss, moaning against her skin as he came.

She panted as his softening cock slid out of her, his arm still keeping her close as he nuzzled into her hair. She could tell by his breathing that he was slipping back into sleep, and Buffy wanted nothing more than to stay there in his arms. She didn't want to have to face what was out there, and when she was with Spike, it was easy to pretend the outside world didn't exist.

However, she had her job, and she couldn't turn her back on her students just because she had a sexy, cuddly boyfriend.

Reluctantly, she pulled herself away from Spike, a pang in her heart as she watched him instinctively roll towards the warmth of the spot she'd just vacated. With a sigh, she started to head towards the bathroom, but stopped when she heard Spike's voice.

"Kitten?"

She turned and watched as he opened one eye to look at her. "Hmm?"

"Reset the alarm for eight, would you, luv?"

"Okay." Buffy smiled softly as she picked up the alarm and reset it, warmed by the domestic moment. She missed moments like these, missed simply sharing her life with him. Beyond her physical desire for him was a desire to have him near, as part of her life. Without him, even small, daily things had seemed hollow.

Buffy made her way to the bathroom, opting for a shower if she was going to have any chance of getting out of there on time. She smiled as she stepped under the warm spray, her mind focused more on the wonderful way she'd started her morning than the chaos that faced her outside the haven she'd found with Spike.

She reached for the shampoo, her smile widening as she remembered the night before, when she'd put her shampoo and soap on the list of things she needed from her apartment. Spike had admitted them with an almost sheepish look that he'd picked some up for her on his way home from her apartment Monday evening, just in case she ended up needing them at his house at some point. She wasn't sure what touched her more—the fact that he'd thought about her like that, or the fact that he'd still remembered after three years what she used.

Buffy found herself paying more attention to things now that she'd taken for granted with him in the past. He did so much quietly, helping her in ways that didn't call attention to the deeds themselves. In the year they'd lived together, she'd never reached for her shampoo bottle and found it empty—Spike had always made sure the shower was well-stocked for her. Even if he'd left his own things in disarray, he'd carefully organize hers every night before he went to bed to make sure she wasn't late to work or to class because she couldn't find something.

It had been little things, almost imperceptible when he'd been there, but the absence of them had been glaringly obvious.

She made a promise to herself to never take them for granted again.

After she finished in the bathroom, she walked back into the bedroom, her robe tied loosely around her. Spike was lying stomach-down on the bed, the sheet just grazing the top of his buttocks while face was buried against her pillow. The sight made her lick her lips.

Buffy managed to tear her gaze away from him and went to the closet, finding where he'd hung up the clothes Mona had brought over for her. Spike had cleared out a section of his large, walk-in closet just for her things, and again, she found her heart warming at the gesture.

When she finished getting ready for work, Buffy went back over to the bed, sitting down beside Spike. She smiled softly as she reached out and stroked his hair, the first rays of sunlight coming in to illuminate him.

Spike opened his eyes and craned his neck to look up at her. "You leaving, pet?"

"Yeah. I'll come back here after work, though. What are your plans?"

"I have a few interviews to do," Spike told her. "I don't know when I'll be home exactly, but we need to try to leave here by seven to make it to that party. Today's probably going to be pretty insane."

"That's all right. I think I can handle the insanity."

He chuckled. "Good to know."

Buffy leaned down and kissed the side of his head. "I love you, baby."

"Love you, too," Spike replied with a sleepy smile.

"See you when you get home tonight."

"Okay." Spike's eyes closed as his head when back down to the pillow.

Buffy kissed his cheek before she got up, fighting the desire to climb back into the bed with him. She reminded herself she could do that later tonight, after this party thing. She'd be sleeping in his bed again, after all.

She left the bedroom, picking up her purse from a table near the door before walking out. She locked the door behind her, another smile on her face as she remembered Spike giving her his keys the night before. He'd told her he'd had someone over that morning to change the locks in case Eve felt like stopping by again, and had just thought it might be a good idea if Buffy had her own set of keys.

He'd seemed nervous when he'd given it to her, as if he were afraid she'd take it as moving too quickly. She hadn't. Instead, she'd been touched that he'd thought about her, and had thanked with a kiss.

A kiss that had turned into things Buffy didn't have time to let her mind wander thinking about…

She turned around and walked towards the driveway where the driver Spike had called the evening before to pick her up was waiting. She hadn't liked the idea of driving to and from work, and Spike had told her he'd take care of it without any complaint. Buffy thought perhaps it should bother her to let him do those sorts of things for her, but it didn't. She knew Spike well enough to know he wasn't trying to buy her, or that he'd never hold his money over her.

She'd worried some in the beginning that fame may have gone to his head, but she'd quickly dropped that notion. He was the same man she'd loved three years ago.

As soon as she was in range, several flashbulbs lit on the other side of the gate, and Buffy winced, but didn't look their way. She greeted the driver as he opened the door for her, yet even as she tried to ignore the paparazzi, her thoughts were on them. She wondered if they had simply gotten up very early in the morning, or if they had been camped outside of Spike's house all night, just waiting for a glimpse of one of them.

She thought it was probably, sadly enough, the latter.

Buffy took a deep breath as the car pulled out of the driveway, ignoring the shouts and flashbulbs outside of the vehicle, determined not to let them control her life.

Instead, she leaned back in the seat, her eyes closing as she sat out the long ride to work.

*** *** ***


Please review!
Chapter Sixty-Seven by Addie Logan
Buffy had hoped that perhaps things had calmed down at the school since the day before. Maybe the paparazzi had all gotten the message she was staying at Spike's and would decide they'd have a chance of getting much juicier pictures if they stayed there instead of at the school.

She wasn't so lucky. If anything, it had gotten worse. Police officers were both escorting students into the building and pushing paparazzi back. The angry parents who had been calling now appeared to have taken it a little closer to home, as Buffy saw more than a few marching into the building.

And the local news stations covering the "pandemonium," weren't helping in the least.

The second she was spotted, she was rushed, and Buffy was grateful a police officer reached her first, keeping everyone else away as she made her way into the building.

Another group of cops was inside, making sure the only people coming into the school were ones who had a legitimate reason for being there.

Buffy wanted to cry. The entire school was in chaos, and it was her fault. She'd come here to help these kids, and instead she was disrupting their lives.

But it had to get better soon, right? Eventually, the media would get bored with this story, and she could get back to doing her job. She just needed to hold out until then.

The front office was as crazy as she'd ever seen it, the phone ringing constantly. She knew since this was her fault she should probably be offering some sort of help, but instead she slipped back into her office and shut the door as she waited for her first appointment of the morning.

As she did, she tried to concentrate about something other than her swarm of stalkers. There was that party of Spike's tonight, but it had her nervous, too. What if she couldn't fit into that part of Spike's life? She knew she got along with his band—Brian excluded, but she never had liked him anyway—but what about the other people who were likely to be hanging around? And what did they think of her with all of this going on?

Buffy hated worrying about these things. She was back with Spike, and she wanted it to be all happiness. She wanted to be able to live her life with the man she loved without having to worry about who was going to say or do what.

With a whimper, her head went down to her desk, only to shoot back up when she heard a knock at her door. "Come in!"

Her first appointed of the day, Peter Nichols, poked his head around the now-partially opened door. "I'm a little early. Is that okay?"

"Sure, Peter, it's fine. Come on in," Buffy replied, forcing her smile forward.

Peter walked in and shut the door, then sat down in the chair in front of Buffy's desk, setting his bookbag beside him. Buffy clasped her hands in front of her. "So, Peter, what did you need to talk about today?"

Peter smiled. "Actually, I wanted to talk about you."

Buffy blinked, though she felt dread starting to creep into her stomach. She didn't like the way this boy was looking at her. "Me?"

"Yeah, you." Peter leaned over the edge of his chair and unzipped his bookbag to pull out a magazine. Buffy's feeling of dread immediately got worse. He flipped it open and dropped it onto Buffy's desk. She drew in a deep breath as she looked down at the pictures of her, hanging all over Spike.

"Put that away," Buffy said, her tone clipped.

"That is you, isn't it, Miss S? I gotta say, I've never seen a teacher get so…freaky before. It's sorta hot." He winked.

"I think you should go back to class now, Peter," Buffy replied.

"What, you only go for rock stars?" he asked, holding out his arms as if he were somehow something to look at.

"Leave my office," Buffy said curtly.

Much to her relief, he did, though Buffy was pretty sure she heard him mutter something offensive under his breath on the way out. She was already too tired to deal with it.

Her gaze darted to the magazine, and she picked it up, her stomach turning as she began to read the article. Whoever had written it had put a sensational spin on everything, working to make what she shared with Spike look twisted and sordid.

And to go with it were the pictures… She felt violated to have been observed like that, someone taking what should've been a moment between her and the man she loved and using it for public consumption.

The weight of it all suddenly seeming too heavy, Buffy began to cry.

*** *** ***


"You know what they're telling me upstairs, don't you? They're telling me to tell you to break up with this girl before you're showing up on the 'Where Are They Now' special Scandal Edition."

Spike looked across the desk at his publicist, his arms crossed and his eyes narrowed. "I'm not dumping Buffy, Lorne."

Lorne held up his hands. "Whoa, whoa, lemon drop. Tone down the hostility a notch or ten, would you? I didn't say that's what I was saying. I said it's what they're saying. I, on the other hand, am a hopeless romantic."

Spike's eyebrow went up. "So you're not going to try to make me leave Buffy?"

Lorne waved his hand dismissively. "No way! As a matter of fact, I can't wait to meet the girl. She must really be something for you to be willing to put up with all of this."

"She is. She's everything," Spike replied.

"Truth be told, I'm glad you got rid of Eve," Lorne admitted, leaning back in his chair.

"Everyone keeps saying that," Spike muttered.

Lorne laughed. "Well, of course. That woman was…" He stopped and shivered. "Gave me the heebies. I mean, I know PR from a relationship like that is like a publicist's wet dream, but I for one would rather work for my buck."

"Well, it's looking like you're going to have to work a good bit for it now," Spike said.

"Eh, don't worry about it, sweetcakes," Lorne replied, waving his hand again. "I've already got your version all nice and ready for the press. I think you're absolutely right about Eve being the one who leaked the story to those camera-wielding vampires in the first place, and I think it's time we give her a taste of her own medicine. I've got dirt on her the likes of which you wouldn't believe. Lindsey McDonald's publicist and I play racquetball on Thursdays. All you have to do is give the word and I turn this right around, give her a taste of her own medicine."

Spike paused for a moment, contemplating Lorne's offer. Did he really want to try to beat Eve at her own game? He had no doubt that Lorne could do it. Questionable clothing choices aside, the man was a damn good publicist. He'd saved Spike's ass many times in the past. But should he do this to Eve now, or should he be the bigger person and turn the other cheek?

Then, he thought about Buffy and how upset this all had her. She'd been run out of her own home.

"Do it."

Lorne rubbed his hands together, genuine glee in his eyes. "Okay then. You run along to your next interview, and I'll see what I can do about making little Miss Hart think twice the next time she tries to ruin someone's career."

Spike smiled. He knew this probably wasn't the most mature choice in the world, but damn if he didn't feel right good about it.

*** *** ***


Buffy was more than ready for the day to be over. As soon as the bell rang to signal the end of classes, she was ready to leave. Screw extra office work; she could make up the time later.

However, as soon as she stepped out into the hall, Robin was waiting for her. "Miss Summers, can I please speak to you in my office?"

Dread curling in her stomach, Buffy merely nodded and followed Robin. He shut the door behind them, the sound making her jump, then pointed to a chair. "Have a seat."

As soon as they were both seated, Robin began to speak, giving her no chance to ask what this was all about. "I'm sure you're aware that your presence on this campus has become somewhat of a disruption, Miss Summers."

Buffy didn't like the way he was calling her "Miss Summers." She knew she'd said their relationship needed be just professional from now on, but this seemed to be taking it too far. And his tone…it was suddenly so cold. Like he wasn't the man she'd known at all.

"I'm sorry this is all going on, Robin. I didn't think it would be like this."

"Then what exactly did you think?" Robin yelled, making Buffy jump in her chair. "You've been going out in public and draping yourself all over a rock star who already has the attention of every tabloid out there!"

Buffy flinched, her eyes tearing. "I wasn't thinking about that. He's just Spike to me…"

"Well, you should've thought about it. You're supposed to be a role model for these kids, Buffy, and unless their life goals don't extend past being in a music video, you're not doing that." Robin took a deep breath. "I've been discussing the matter with the School Board. They want your resignation."

Buffy felt as if all of the air had been sucked from the room. She'd known things were bad, but somehow, she hadn't really been expecting that.

Now she realized she probably should have.

"Robin, please, I know things are strained between us right now, but you can't let them do this to me," she said, hating begging but seeing no other choice now. "I love this job—those kids mean so much to me. And I'm good at it, too. You know that, Robin—I know you do. Can't…can't you tell them that? Please, I can't lose this."

"I don't see how I can. As long as you're a tabloid target, you're going to attract unwanted attention to the school."

"I'll do better," Buffy promised. "I won't let pictures like those show up anymore, I swear."

Robin sighed. "Buffy, the only way I think I can do that for you is if you end things with Spike."

For a moment, all Buffy could do was stare. Then finally, she asked, "What?"

"As long as you continue to have this sort of relationship with Spike, I can't guarantee anything to the School Board. Hell, I can't guarantee anything to myself."

Buffy pulled back. "What is that supposed to mean?"

"Just that I'm very surprised by your behavior. However, I think I could be willing to move past it all—and convince the School Board to as well—if you ended things with Spike and proved your head really is in the right place when it comes to this job. Maybe then with just a suspension and some time to allow all of this to blow over, you could come back to work again and not cause anymore of these sorts of problems."

"I love Spike," Buffy said. "And we're not… There's nothing wrong with our relationship. The tabloids have been twisting things, Robin! I'm not like they're saying I am."

"None of that matters. What matters is the sort of presence you're going to be in this school, and right now, things are not looking good." He met her eyes. "Buffy, I can't help you if you're not willing to do what needs to be done to get your career back on track. Either you end things with Spike or you might as well just hand in your resignation."

"I…I don't… I…can't…"

"What do you really want from life, Buffy? A fast, dangerous relationship with a rock star or the career you've worked so hard to build?"

Buffy swallowed, the whole situation hitting her in a rush and making her unable to think straight. "Can I just go home right now?" she asked, her voice small.

"Yeah, go home. Take the evening to think it over. We can discuss it in the morning."

Buffy nodded and stood, though she stopped when Robin called her name.

"I hope you make the right decision."

Her only response was another nod before she left his office.

*** *** ***


So, what did you think of that? Please take a moment and let me know!
Chapter Sixty-Eight by Addie Logan
Spike could tell something was off with Buffy. She'd smiled when he'd come home and greeted him with a kiss, yet he could still see traces of red around her eyes from where she'd been crying. When he'd tried to question her about it, she'd brushed it off, claimed it was nothing, and told him they needed to get ready if they were going to make it to the party on time.

He'd dropped the subject, though even now as they rode towards the party, he had a nagging feeling it was a lot more than she was trying to let on. He knew her—better than she was currently giving him credit for—and knew when something was genuinely upsetting her.

"Kitten, tell me what's wrong," Spike implored softly as he reached across the seat and pushed a lock of her long, blonde hair behind her ear.

Buffy tried to smile at him, though he could tell it was at least partially forced. "It's nothing, really. I'm just tired. Sick of dealing with all of these paparazzi assholes."

"I'm really sorry about all them," Spike told her. "I hate that they're putting you through this, and I'd do anything if I could just make it end."

"I know. But it isn't your fault."

"It is in a way," he replied. "They wouldn't be doing all of this if I wasn't who I am."

"That doesn't make it your fault," Buffy insisted. "They're the ones who have nothing better to do than to chase us around with cameras. I mean, in need of real lives much? Did you know we've been mentioned on the CNN news ticker? It was like 'Coup in small South Asian country,' 'The DOW dropped,' 'Rock star dates step-sister.' How in the world are we news worthy?"

"Like you just said, it's people with no lives to speak of, having to make their own selves seem more interesting by living vicariously through someone else. But I do hate it, Buffy. You're a good, kind person. You don't deserve to have your name dragged through the mud."

"Honestly? I don't care what strangers think of me, Spike. The people who really matter know who I am and what we are together. The rest of them can just piss off."

A grin tugged at the corner of his lips. "Starting to talk like me, are you?"

"You're corrupting me."

His grin grew wider and he wagged his eyebrows. "Baby, I corrupted you a long time ago."

Buffy giggled, then glanced up at the dark glass separating them from the driver. "He really can't see back here, can he?" she whispered.

"Nope. All the glass around here is tinted. No one can see what goes on," Spike replied, really hoping she was going where he thought she was going with this. He could definitely use a release with as tense as he was currently feeling.

"I've never had sex in the back of a limo," Buffy said, her tone conversational, though the twinkling in her eyes was teasing.

"Well then, I think that's a dilemma we need to rectify."

Buffy knew this probably wasn't "appropriate behavior" for a high school guidance counselor, and should the media find out about it, they'd make it into some huge, sordid deal, but at the moment, she didn't care. She was stressed to her limits and tired of thinking about what she'd have to do tomorrow. Right now, she wanted to pretend none of it was happening, and just enjoy this night as if nothing was weighing her down.

And she knew no better stress relief than Spike.

She moved across the seat, opening up the fly of his pants to pull his cock out into her hands, finding it already semi-erect. She wasn't sure she could ever remember a time when he'd been completely flaccid, and she wondered if he was always like that or if it was just a reaction to being around her.

She hoped it was the latter…

Buffy dipped down, grasping his cock tightly in her hand as she swirled her tongue around the head. Spike whimpered, fighting to keep from being too loud with the driver not far away. The less attention they called to themselves right then, the better.

Still, it was difficult to remember to keep quiet with Buffy's head between his legs. She'd always been so good at this…

Then, she slid down as far as she could, filling her throat with him before she swallowed. He couldn't help the hoarse cry that came forth from him then, and Buffy giggled around his erection in response, making him moan.

She slid back up and wagged her finger. "Shh. You gotta keep quiet, or I'm not gonna do this anymore."

Her flushed cheeks, smudged lipstick, and wicked-looking expression were almost enough to make Spike moan again, but he nodded, forcing himself to remain quiet. Satisfied with that, Buffy went back down, and as she swallowed him a second time, Spike bit his lip and grasped the seat, fighting to stay quiet enough that she'd keep doing what she was doing.

Spike trembled, nearing the edge, when Buffy came back up, wiping at her mouth. Before he could ask what she was doing, she'd straddled his hips, her dress coming up and her panties going over before she slid down, taking him into the warm haven of her body.

His arms encircled her waist as Buffy moved, bouncing up and down, adding a little hip shimmy now and then to make him whimper. The look in her eyes was smoldering, and Spike knew she was letting her inner vixen out to play.

He'd always loved it when she was like this. He'd seen his first glimpses of it early in their relationship, when he'd woken up to her sucking him off, then ended up tied to the couch. Buffy had never been a passive lover—far from it—but at times, something seemed to click inside of her, making her extra aggressive.

It always led to the best sex.

Now, that part of her was back in full force, spurring her to ride him for all he was worth. He fought to hold on to his control, wanting this to last. She was amazing, a sight to behold, and he didn't want to let go.

Buffy, on the other hand, apparently had ideas of her own. She leaned down, licking her way from his neck to his ear, then whispered, "Don't scream." Before Spike could say anything in response, she moved back to his neck, biting down just as she tightened her inner muscles around him.

He cursed loudly, unable to stop himself as he came hard. Buffy moved quickly to kiss him, swallowing any further sounds from him as she came right behind him.

Sated for now, Buffy moved off of his lap, allowing Spike to tuck himself back into his pants. She made a face, squirming in the seat. "Are there any napkins or anything back here? I'm all sticky."

Spike searched around, frowning when he came up empty. "No. Sorry, luv."

Buffy shrugged. "Well, I think these are already stained anyway, so no loss." Before Spike could ask what she meant by that, she slipped off her panties, used them to clean herself, then wadded them up and shoved them in her purse. His eyes widened and he coughed.

"You know I'm going to be thinking about that all bloody night now."

Buffy rolled her eyes, though her mouth held the traces of a smirk. "You're sad."

"Oh come on now, you know I have that thing with panties. And now knowing they're in your purse instead of on your body…" He shivered. "Can we just call this thing off and go home?"

"Nope. You're just gonna have to wait until you can do more naughty things to me."

Spike's eyes darkened. "You do know you're getting it later, don't you?"

Buffy grinned wickedly. "I'm counting on it."

*** *** ***


"You had sex in the limo, didn't you?"

Buffy turned to Mona as the auburn-haired woman sided up beside her and asked her question in a harsh whisper. "What's your point?" Buffy whispered back, her eyebrow arching.

Mona chuckled. "I'm not sure I had one. I guess you two are just as bad as you ever were."

"Oh yeah, like you and Rory are any better," Buffy said, pointing to Mona's pregnant belly as evidence of her claim.

"Well, I guess you've got me there," Mona replied with a genuine laugh. "It's hard to keep your hands off the sexy ones, isn't it?"

Buffy looked at Spike, watching him as he approached them. "Uh huh."

"Mo', you mind if I borrow my girl for a bit?" Spike asked as he took Buffy's hand. "There's someone I want to introduce her to."

"Sure thing, blondie," Mona replied. "I need to go make sure Rory's not doing anything stupid anyway."

As Mona went to search for her drummer, Spike led Buffy over to a man in a very loud green suit. "Luv, this is my publicist, Lorne."

Buffy winced. "Publicist? You must hate me."

"Not at all, cupcake!" Lorne replied, immediately moving to hug Buffy. He pulled back, giving her the once over. "Spike, this one is absolutely adorable. I love her already."

"And he's not just saying that because it's his job either," Spike said as he wrapped his arm around Buffy.

"No, I'm not. I never said nice things about Eve. But you—I like you. You've got a good aura there, princess. And the two of you together, well, it just lights up the whole room."

Buffy smiled. "Thank you."

"And don't you worry about all of this mess," Lorne said, laying his hand against Buffy's arm. "I've already started fixing it all. The sharks will be off your back and chasing the one they should be after soon enough."

Buffy glanced between Lorne and Spike. "What do you mean?"

"Lorne's working on turning this back around on Eve," Spike explained.

"Working on?" Lorne waved his hand. "It is done, my friend. Give it a week, tops, and she'll be up to her ears in misery. I can guarantee it. Besides, it's not like I had to do much anyway. Karma was just waiting to come and bite her too-skinny ass."

Lorne's words gave Buffy some degree of relief, though she knew she wouldn't feel it completely until she saw it happen for herself. "So they aren't going to be chasing us around forever?"

"Nah," Lorne replied. "I mean sure, you're going to run into them now and then, and I'd advise against doing anything too embarrassing in public if you don't want, say, a picture of you picking your nose to end up in Star, but it won't stay like this. That I can give you as a promise."

"Lorne's good, baby," Spike said, giving Buffy's hand a squeeze.

"I am well worth my paycheck." Lorne patted Buffy's arm. "I need to go mingle. I'll catch you two lovebirds later." He started to walk off, then turned back around and pointed to Buffy. "Seriously, lemon drop, I love her to pieces."

"Yeah," Spike said softly, leaning in to kiss the top of Buffy's head as Lorne disappeared into the crowd. "Me, too."

*** *** ***


The party had gone better than Buffy had expected, with no one treating her as if she didn't belong there. From what she'd heard, apparently none of his friends had cared for Eve very much.

Go figure…

Once they'd gotten home, Spike had made good on his promise from the limo, though now he was asleep, curled up against her.

Buffy knew she should be sleeping as well. She had a big day ahead of her, and she needed to be well-rested for it. However, the dread curling up inside of her made sleep impossible.

Tonight, she'd tried to pretend the rest of the day hadn't happened, but tomorrow, she was going to have to face reality. She had to make a choice between two things she loved.

On the way out of the party, Lorne had pulled her aside and told her simply, "Make the right choice." Even though she hadn't told him what was going on with her job, she'd known that was what he'd meant, that somehow he'd just known. While with some people, that may have freaked her out, with Lorne, it seemed oddly fitting.

She'd told him she would, and in her heart, she believed had. After all, what choice did she truly have in the matter?

As much as it pained her, Buffy knew she had to leave.

*** *** ***
Chapter Sixty-Nine by Addie Logan
Buffy paid as little attention to the paparazzi swarming her as she could as she made her way into the school building. They could yell and snap all the pictures they wanted. She didn't care anymore.

This was her life, and they wouldn't take it from her.

She went straight to Robin's office, walking inside without bothering to knock. He looked up, seeming surprised to see her standing there.

"Buffy…" he began, but she cut him off.

"I made my decision, Robin," she said bluntly. "And it's the right decision."

Robin smiled. "I'm glad to hear that, Buffy. It's going to be a hard sell to the School Board, but I think if we convince them you really won't cause any more problems, I…"

He stopped abruptly when Buffy dropped a piece of paper on his desk. "What's this?"

"It's my letter of resignation. Sorry it isn't typed, but I wrote it in the car on the way here this morning."

Robin gaped as he scanned over the letter. "Buffy, you can't seriously be choosing him over your job."

"I am," Buffy said, no sign of doubt in her voice. "I love Spike, and I'll be damned before I give him up again. And yeah, I hate to have to lose this job, but in the long run, it's a small price to pay to be with him." She crossed her arms over her chest and narrowed her eyes. "And you better be glad I'm too sick of media frenzy to sue your ass for sexual harassment."

Robin swallowed, his eyes bulging. "What do you…"

"Oh, please. Do you think I'm stupid? You dangled my job over my head to get me to leave my boyfriend days after I ended things with you. You tried to manipulate me, and while I'm still not sure if it was an attempt to get me back or an attempt at revenge, I do know it wasn't entirely on the up and up. If you were behind me as someone who's fit for this job, then you'd be behind me despite what I do in my personal life."

Robin tried to respond, but Buffy didn't let him. He hadn't proven to be the man she'd thought he was at all, and she didn't want to hear excuses from him. "You were right about one thing; I'm too much of a distraction around here these days. As long as I'm still an employee here, the media isn't going to go away, and that's not fair to these kids. So I'm leaving. Not because of you or because I'm ashamed of what I have with Spike, but because given the circumstances, it is the right thing to do."

"I think you're making a mistake," Robin said once Buffy stopped talking.

"Yeah, well, I don't. I'll be cleaning out my desk now."

With that, Buffy turned on her heel and walked out, surprised to find she had a smile on her face.

*** *** ***


When Buffy got back to Spike's, she found him in the kitchen, wearing nothing but his jeans as he washed off his plates from breakfast, the television turned to MTv and muted in the background.

"Checking for album sales?"

Spike jumped, then turned to Buffy. "Bloody hell, scare a bloke half to death why don't you? And you're home early."

"Yup, I am. How's it doing?"

"Very well," Spike told her. "Stores had people waiting outside this morning to buy it, and it's already sold out in a few places." He shrugged. "I guess any publicity really is good publicity."

Buffy came up behind him and wrapped her arms around his waist, dropping a kiss on his shoulder. "It's a good album, honey. I think when it comes down to it, people are going to end up paying more attention to that than who you're sleeping with."

"Oh you do, huh?"

"Yes, I do."

"Glad to hear it." Spike paused for a moment, then asked her, "So what exactly are you doing home so early anyway?"

"I quit my job."

He turned quickly, staring at her in shock. "You what?"

"Or I may have been fired. The whole thing was sorta iffy. Anyway, I'm not working there anymore."

She seemed so calm, Spike wondered if possibly she'd snapped, gone into some sort of deep, deep denial. "Buffy, you love your job," Spike said softly.

"I did, yeah, but I love you more," Buffy told him honestly. "Robin gave me a choice. I picked you."

"You…" Spike stopped as the rest of what she'd said sank in. "Wait, Robin did what?"

"He gave me a choice. He said the School Board wanted my resignation because of all the disruptions that had been caused due to the media circus around me, and that he would only support me if I dumped you. He tried to write it off as if he was saying that because as long as I was with you, the paparazzi crap wouldn't stop, but I smelled ulterior motives. Anyway, there wasn't really a choice to be made, and I turned in my resignation this morning."

Spike had never liked Robin, though before, it had been simple jealousy. Now, any modicum of respect he may have had for the other man was completely gone. "That right bastard. Buffy, you can't just give up your job like this."

"Yeah, I can." She took a step back from him. "As much as I didn't want to admit it, I can't really be with you and work in the public school system. Your private life can't be in so much of a spotlight when you're working that kind of job. He handled it in a bad way, but Robin was right—it's better for me not to be on the campus anymore. How long would it have been before having all those people around got one of the students hurt? I couldn't live with that, Spike. That's not why I came to work there."

"But working with those kids meant so much to you."

"And I'm still going to work with kids. They can't take that away from me. I won't let them. It's just going to have to be in a private setting. I can go back to school in the fall and get what I need to be certified enough to open my own practice." She placed her hand gently against his cheek. "Don't feel guilty, okay? I'm happy with my decision. The moment Robin told me I had to make a choice, it was already made, and I have no regrets." Buffy smiled. "The only reason I waited until this morning to tell him was because if I'd tried to yesterday, it just would've been yelling and cursing, and I wanted to go out on a better note."

"So he gave you that 'choice' yesterday then?"

"Yeah. Right before I left work," Buffy answered, nodding.

"And you didn't tell me until now?"

"Sorry. I knew you'd be pissed at me for that one, but I knew you were worried about the album release today, and you had that party thing last night, and I didn't want to throw something else in on top of it all. Like I said, I made up my mind the moment he said I had to pick one, and nothing else really mattered."

"You were upset yesterday," Spike pointed out.

"Well, yeah. It was an easy decision to make, but that doesn't mean it wasn't a little hard, too. It does hurt to leave those kids, but I can't do them the sort of good I want to anymore." She reached down and took his hands, squeezing them tightly in hers. "I wouldn't change a thing. Had I known letting you back into my life would cost me my job, then I still would've jumped right in. I love you, Spike. You…you're what makes me whole."

Buffy paused and met his eyes before she continued. "You love me unconditionally, even when I make huge mistakes. You know everything I like and everything I don't. You never eat the last of the ice cream, and you always cover up my toes in the night because you know I don't like waking up with them cold. You're my lover, my partner, my best friend. I love you, William. I always have, and I always will. This is it for me. You're it for me."

Spike stared at her for long moments, his throat tight and tears in his eyes. "Say something," Buffy said finally. "All that silence makes a girl nervous."

Spike felt as if he'd waited a lifetime to hear someone say something like that to him, and now that Buffy had said it, he found himself at an uncharacteristic loss for words. "Pet, I…"

She gave him a soft smile and put her palm to his cheek. "You can just tell me you love me, and I'll know."

He smiled back, joy bursting in his heart. "I love you," he told her before he captured her lips in a kiss.

*** *** ***


"I don't think I've ever seen a prettier sunset."

Spike pulled Buffy closer against his chest, his feet digging into the sand beneath them. "I like watching it from here, like watching how it reflects on the ocean."

Buffy sighed in contentment, her hands going over Spike's, holding him to her. "This is nice. Peaceful." She looked up and smiled. "This whole having a private beach thing is pretty awesome."

Spike grinned. "One of the definite perks to being ridiculously wealthy."

She laughed, a rich, genuine laugh the likes of which he rarely ever heard from her. He'd spent the day searching for signs of regret concerning her decision to leave her job, but so far, he hadn't seen any. If anything, she seemed more content than he ever remembered seeing her before.

"So how's the water this time of year?" Buffy asked, her mischievous smile belying her casual tone.

"It's nice," Spike told her, fully expecting her to bolt a second before she did. With a grin, he ran after her, scooping her up and making her squeal just as her feet hit the surf.

"Spike! Don't!" Buffy said, even as she laughed.

"Don't what? Do this?" He dropped her, only to catch her again a split second later.

"Spike!" she yelled again, only this time, she followed it with a pout. "Big meanie."

"Oh, look at the pout," Spike said, mimicking her expression.

She smacked his chest. "Stop it."

"Make me."

Buffy leaned up and grabbed the back of his head, her fingers tangling in his hair as she kissed him, making him moan into her mouth. Then, when she knew she had him properly distracted, Buffy scrambled out of his arms and pushed him back, making him tumble into the shallow water.

He looked up, his eyebrow cocked. "Oh, now you're gonna get it, missy," he growled.

Buffy squealed again as she ran off back towards the shore, Spike hot on her heels. When he grabbed her this time, he started to lower her down to the sand, but Buffy stopped him with a hand on his chest. "Not here."

"But I want here," Spike protested. "I want now."

"No way. There are some places I do not want sand."

"So I can never shag you on the beach?" Spike asked with a pitiful look.

"Only with a blanket. And seeing as there's no blanket…"

"Right. Up to the house we go." He flipped her over his shoulder.

"I want to shower first," Buffy said as she hung over him, letting him carry her inside.

"Bloody hell, woman," Spike grumbled.

"But sand," Buffy insisted.

"Fine, there can be a shower. But then I'm shagging you until your legs don't work, and I don't want to hear anymore lip about it."

With a huge grin on her face, Buffy let him continue carrying her into the house.

Yes, life was good.

*** *** ***


Well, aren't you a wily bunch, seeing right through my ruse at the end of the last chapter? lol

Please review!
Chapter Seventy by Addie Logan
Spike stood at the edge of the bed, looking at Buffy as she lay there, her skin glowing under the pale moonlight. She looked like…

She looked like she was where she belonged.

She crooked her finger and he crawled up the bed to her, reminding Buffy of a big, jungle cat. He was gorgeous, sensual, and all hers.

And he also obviously had something on his mind.

"What is it, baby?" she asked, her hand coming up to stroke his face.

He nuzzled against her touch, reminding her even more of a cat. "I was just thinking about something," he replied.

"I know, I could tell," she told him. "Care to share it with me?"

Spike looked down at her and met her eyes. Yesterday, he would've been afraid to ask this. Today, he knew he didn't need to be afraid anymore, not with her.

This was it. This was forever.

"I want you to move in with me."

She smiled and he couldn't help but smile back. "I thought you'd never ask."

"Dawn's welcome, too—if she wants to, that is."

"Somehow, I don't think she'll be adverse to the idea," Buffy replied. She put her hand on the back of his head and guided it down until their lips were almost touching. "But right now, I want to think about something other than Dawn."

Their lips met then, the kiss slow, but with the promise of more passion to come. Spike's hands caressed her chilled, damp skin, heating it under his expert touch and making her whimper into his mouth.

"I have to taste you," he said when they finally broke apart for air.

Buffy's legs slid open. "You won't hear any complaints from me."

Spike moved down her body sensuously, marking his trail with wet kisses and soft nips. When he reached the apex of her thighs, he closed his eyes and breathed in deeply, relishing the richness of her scent.

Buffy trembled at the erotic sight.

Then, his eyes snapped back open, locking with hers, and she trembled even more.

He started slowly, subjecting her to exquisite torture as he gave gentle laps to her folds, bringing her a frustrating sort of pleasure. She whimpered and moaned, begging for more in broken gasps, yet Spike seemed able to content himself with leisurely strokes of his tongue.

Suddenly, his tactics changed, and he plunged two fingers inside of her just as he brought his tongue to a hardened peak against her clit. He lapped at her roughly as he stroked her inside, wringing strangled cries from his lover.

Spike had never been squeamish when it came to doing this for a woman, yet the act had always held particular pleasure for him when it came to Buffy. She never tried to mask her responses, never tried to control her body's reaction. She loved this, and her every move, every cry let him know just how much.

He added a third finger, pumping into her harder, bringing her right to the precipice before he curved his fingers up, tapping the spot deep inside of her that pushed her right over the edge. She keened loudly, her hips bucking and her fingers grabbing his hair hard enough to hurt, and Spike smiled against her.

She was a hellcat, his Buffy, and sod it all if he didn't love her for it.

Spike licked his lips as he crawled back up her body, grinning at her sated expression. "Liked that, didn't you, baby," he said, his voice something akin to a purr.

"I loved it and you know it," Buffy said, grinning back. "But it wasn't enough."

His eyebrow went up. "Oh?"

"I'm all empty," she said, squirming beneath him. "I need something to fill me up." Spike gasped when her small hand wrapped around his cock, tugging it steadily. "Hmm…this feels awfully big. Think it'll fit?"

"We can bloody make it fit," Spike said, dropping a quick kiss on her lips. "Open up real wide for me, luv."

Buffy rubbed her feet along his thighs before she lifted her legs up, hooking them over his shoulders. Spike shivered, taking in the sight of her spread so invitingly for him. "This wide enough?" she asked with a smirk.

"Guess we'll have to test it and see," Spike replied, lining his erection up with her entrance. He pushed inside, moaning at the first feel of her heat around him.

She was searing, pulsing, perfect. Everything he could ever want in one snug little box.

He drove in further, making Buffy cry out and grab on to his shoulders. She was so small, so tight, that it always amazed him when…

He finally slid all the way in.

They trembled together, their breath coming in harsh, synchronized pants. "It fits," Buffy said, her voice cracking.

"Perfectly. Always does."

Her hands roamed his back and shoulders, caressing his sweat-dampened skin as he rained tiny kisses over her face and neck. Time stilled, the world calmed, and a peace settled around them.

She'd lost this once. She'd never lose it again.

"I love you," Buffy whispered, the tears in her eyes choking her voice.

"I love you, too."

Then, their hips began to move in unison, rocking with a rhythm all their own. Buffy cried out every time he pulled away and sighed in completion every time he slid back in.

It was too much, not enough, and everything in between. Buffy moved her legs down, wrapping them around his hips and keeping more of him in with every thrust. She wanted him inside, always inside, until she could no longer tell where they were separate.

Spike looked into her eyes, she smiled, and he kissed her, sliding his lips over hers and meeting her tongue with his. He wanted to make this last, to stay inside of her forever, but his hips moved faster, spurring them both on.

Finally, pleasure broke over them both, joint cries of heartfelt filling the room, echoing until they grew still, the only sounds now those of harsh breaths and waves lapping the shore.

His softening cock still nestled within her folds, Buffy held Spike against her breast and smiled.

*** *** ***


Yes, this one is almost over. There's going to be an epilogue Friday, and then that will be it.

Sorry to anyone who wanted a big Eve showdown—there won't be one. There wasn't really any place for any "Eve gets hers" scenes without me either dragging it on past where I wanted it to go or tacking something on that didn't fit in with the flow.

Please review!
Epilogue by Addie Logan
This time when Spike went on tour, Buffy went with him. She was signed up for graduate classes in the fall, giving herself plenty of time to enjoy this with him. Private practice hadn't been her first choice; however, she was now looking forward to getting through the rest of her schooling and starting one up.

Even if it was in a different capacity than she'd originally planned, she could still make a difference in the lives of children, and she was happy with her decision.

Eventually, the tabloids had let up on them, finding much more things of interest in the recent Eve Hart-related scandals popping up. Apparently, the things she had been up to were a lot more interesting than a rock star dating someone who just happened to be the daughter of his father's second wife. As a matter of fact, some magazines had deemed it downright romantic, painting it as a father and son who just couldn't help but be drawn to a beautiful mother-daughter pair.

Buffy had to give Lorne credit, the man was damn good at turning spin right around.

She watched Spike from the side of the stage, her heart warming as she did. He turned and winked at her as he finished his song, and she smiled in return.

Spike turned back to the mic. "This is a new song we haven't done before." He stopped, cleared his throat, and then began again. "Well, actually, that's only partly true. It's an old song that I never finished, but I have now, and we'd like to perform it for the first time here for you all tonight."

The crowd began to cheer as the lights dimmed, a soft light illuminating Spike as slow music started. When the crowd quieted, he sang.

"In, I'm falling in.
I didn't want to,
Not so fast, boy.
Slow,
Don't wanna hurt the girl.
Give her a pretty box,
You'd better fill it

"And I get blinded when she opens the door.
It's like looking in to the sun, you know,
And I'm just blinkin', mumblin', starin' at my shoes.
And she just looks at me
And smiles.
Smiles, smiles."

It took Buffy a moment, but she recognized the song, but then she remembered the day he'd sung part of it to her years before, when he'd first started writing it. She'd almost forgotten it until now, and it surprised her that he'd gone back and filled in the parts he hadn't been able to write originally.

"Oh, there we go again,
And it feels so good.
We're fallin' up and down.
Damn, it's two am again,
And she kisses me goodbye
For the sixteenth time.

"And I'm drivin' home, it's five a.m.
And I'm look at the sun come up over the hills.
Clouds are turnin' pink and green,
And all I can see is her eyes.
Eyes, eyes."

It never failed to touch her when she heard him singing to her, about her. Even his songs that hadn't been about the happier points in their relationship had held strong emotion, speaking of the depth of his feelings for her.

Love, hate, and everything in between, they had something strong, something passionate.

Something unbreakable.

"And I get blinded when she opens the door.
It's like looking in to the sun, you know,
And I'm just blinkin', mumblin', starin' at my shoes,
And she just looks at me
And smiles.
Smiles…"

When the song came to an end, the crowd cheered, and Spike turned around, his eyes locking with Buffy's. "There's a bit more to this one tonight. Buffy, sweetheart, come out here with me, would you?"

Buffy's gaze went wide, and she shook her head no, the idea of standing in front of all those people sending her into a panic. Then, Mona slid up behind her. "Go, Buffy. Just trust me on this one. You want to be out there right now." She gave the blonde a push, sending her right onto the stage.

Spike put his hand over the microphone. "It's all right, luv. Come on."

She didn't look at the crowd, but at Spike instead, walking towards his outstretched hand. She took it, and the audience screamed.

Then, he dropped down to one knee, and they went positively wild.

Buffy stared down at him, the entire moment seeming surreal. He couldn't actually be about to…

He reached into his pocket and pulled out a black velvet box, then flipped open the top to reveal a glittering diamond.

He was… Unbidden, her eyes filled with tears.

"Buffy Anne Summers, will you marry me?"

She froze, her heart flipping. The world around her seemed to blur, her focus on the shimmer of the ring until she heard someone in the distance call out, "Come on, say yes already!"

A smile broke across her face and she nodded emphatically. "Yes. Oh, Spike, of course it's yes!"

Spike jumped up, slipping the ring on her left hand as he let the box fall to the ground. Their eyes met and he pulled her to him, kissing her as the crowd roared.

*** *** ***


"Smile" is, of course, by James Marsters.

After a little over two years of writing, this fic has reached its end. When I set out to tell this story, I knew it was going to be a long one, though I didn't quite realize just how long. However, I knew from the beginning exactly the story I wanted to tell, and I persevered until I said all I wanted to say. So now, I've finally accomplished that goal. *wipes sweat from brow*

I appreciate everyone who stuck by me and read this fic through to the end, be you one of the readers who started out two years ago and put up with all my blocks and hiatuses or one of the readers who picked it up along the way. I know things got dark there for a while, and it really means a lot to me that you were willing to see this through to the end and let me share my story. Even with the angst, I never intended to give our couple—or you readers—anything but happiness in the end.

So here it is—that happy ending. For anyone hoping for a sequel, I'm sorry, there won't be one. It took me two years to get this one out, and I've felt like I've said all I wanted to say with this particular incarnation of Spike and Buffy. I will, of course, continue to write other stories, and already have a new AU set up to start next Monday. (It's entitled Oedipus Calling, for anyone who wants to look for it.)

Again, I just want to say thank you to everyone who stuck with me to the end, through all of this story's many ups and downs. It was, at times, as difficult for me to write as it was for you to read, and there were points when I wanted to just give up, but the encouragement I got from my readers really helped to keep me going. So thank you, to each and every one of you.

Even though this is the end, I'd appreciate it very much if you left one last review for it now to let me know what you thought of the end.

Thank you.
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