She stepped away from Faith her arms wrapped around her body in a protective embrace. It brought her no comfort.

They had asked for her to leave, all of them, because she was reckless and dangerous and thought nothing for the lives of those around her.

They of course were wrong.

Every pain they felt, every injury upon their bodies cut deep into her as if the wounds were reflected in her. A mirror image of their cuts and bruises on the inside of her heart.

Every death a stabbing sensation in her soul.

Not to gentle words telling her that she was no longer welcome. That she had no role with them any longer.

And where exactly did that leave her?

She walked along aimlessly passing through the abandoned neighborhoods of Sunnydale the stillness of the night muffling the sounds of her steps. The lack of light letting the darkness in all that much more, the cold to settle into her bones.

The plain fatigue to rest into her already weary soul.

How many years had she come and fought and struggled all without rest?

Well except for those one hundred and forty-seven days.

Battle after battle each war won with strength and determination and friends.

Friends that doubted her now.

That no longer trusted her.

Exactly where was the line drawn? When in her life had she passed it? Did she just sail on blindly not knowing that the mythical barrier had been crossed that she had gone to far?

Or had they suddenly changed the rules?

It didn't matter. Not right now and probably not in the future. No longer welcome in her own home.

A strange thought. As true as any other.

The one feeling that she would allow in began to make demands on a body that had survived too many fights but kept trying anyway.

She was the definition of tired.

A place to sleep would be good and if she had been able to process thoughts in a logical fashion she would have grabbed her purse before she left the house. At least she could have used some money to get a room at that dump of a motel near the freeway.

Easier said then done in the face of utter betrayal.

Words that stung and slashed making sure she would be only a bloody stump in front of them before she was turned to the door.

Had they planned it that way?

A great big Buffy intervention on the power of the Slayer going to her head? Not a far-fetched idea considering the company she kept.

She paused on the step of a porch, the house in front of her dark and silent and strange.

What wasn't strange these days?

She opened the door and found no one inside. Most of the sane people had left days ago. It was the ones like her that stuck around.

Her steps continued her feet going toward a destination that she need not acknowledge.

There a bed large with blankets.

A place to sleep.

To forget.

If only for a short time.

She slipped under the covers. Resting her head on the pillow she pushed all of her feelings aside. Buried them deep within the fortress of walls she had built around her heart.

The place where she dare not let anyone.

Because there were too many times like these.

The grip of sleep was not far from coming to someone who was drained. Drained of everything that made her.

Sleep.

*************

Voices echoed around her tugging insistently at her consciousness refusing the veil that her sleep provided.

Back into the world.

Back to the pain.

Eyes open now, ears picking up the sound of encroaching footsteps bouncing off the walls of a crowded place.

She was up now on her feet the tingling she felt racing adrenalin through her body.

Vampires.

More than one. More than what she could handle trapped in a room this size.

Ten.

Her eyes darted around as they all stepped into the room all but one showing his true face.

The face of a demon.

The feel of the stake in her hand was as familiar as the sound of her name. A weight she knew well and had wielded with authority for the last seven years. The only thing that never left her.

Her calling.

There were no quips no snide barbs with those members of the undead.

Only the fight.

For a time she felt nothing as movements she had made in the past returned to be used again. Blows that were traded and delivered the thrusting of a stake the explosion of dust.

Common occurrences.

Three were dust seven stood and judged the Slayer.

For once they were agreed and instead of the greedy nature of the demons inside them they moved together to bring down the single threat.

She was pinned now to the bed held by hands that had the strength required to contain only parts of the Slayers abilities. Enough of them to ensure she would not and could not move.

The other, the one who remained stared at her with a hungry gleam in his eyes that she had witnessed before. A look she had tried valiantly to forget.

One that haunted nightmares.

Her eyes didn't leave him as she still tried to struggle. Token movements in the face of his utter win.

He was even with where her head lay, only then did his face shift and she stared into glowing amber eyes.

The look of death.

She would not beg. Not give them the satisfaction that the reaction would give them. Would even fight the fear she felt to keep it from scenting the air to heighten their enjoyment.

Knew too many facts to give in to them. Given to her by another vampire once in the hope that he would be at this point then a hope that a day like this would not come.

The pain of fangs slicing into tender flesh caused her to bite her bottom lip. An effort not to cry out. Denying them one more thing.

She felt the tugging of her life through the holes in her neck each pull on her blood sealing a fate that could not be changed. Her breathing slowed the rapid rate of her pulse dropping moving sluggishly against the demands of a brain that was still conscious.

She was too weak to move now even with Slayer strength the fight draining from her body like her blood.

The sound of their laughter hung in the air around her the taunting tone of it as they gloated in a victory of the killer of their kind. It was their right.

Shallow breaths came from her chest each pulled with more and more difficulty.

Pressure at her jaw and she was aware of what they wanted.

She would refuse that too.

But they would not let such a thing go and the pressure grew in force until the tendons there screamed and her mouth was forced open.

Wet and sticky it made its way between lips that were pried apart. The urge to swallow was also fought against but again she was denied that rebellion.

A continuous stream of fluid was forced into her, sliding down her throat as tears pricked her eyes.

And then there was the dark.


********

He stood outside of the house scenting the air. Here on the changing wind came the soft call of her scent. The distinct smell that screamed to his senses Buffy. He would recognize it anywhere at anytime and follow it gladly to whatever and where ever it led.

Turning sharply on his heal he followed his nose feeling out with his senses trying to pinpoint her location.

Spike was quite aware that he might not be greeted fondly when he did find her. That she would do what she had always done in times where her heart was battered and retreat into the protective shell that had begun to crack in his company.

It had been warming to him that she was relaxing in his presence starting to share a closeness with him that he had always wanted.

Even if he was unworthy of it.

Years ago he had listened to a woman tell him his worth.

The words never rang true until he found his soul.

He was beneath Buffy of this he was certain. His past actions had guaranteed that.

And yet she had told him that she believed in him. That he had become a better man.

He was still a man that housed a demon.

As pretty of a shell he could make it the inner part of him was still there just lurking under the surface.

He had wished for a fleeting moment that he was still without a soul. Longed to be without the guidance her presence had given him through the years.

Just for a moment. Just so he could kill those miserable wankers and cure them of their stupidity permanently.

Yeah it was wrong.

He still wanted it.

It simmered just under the surface of the man they thought they really knew.

Only Buffy did.

Spike walked briskly his boots clunking against the concrete as he made his way through the dark streets. His purpose was calling in every cell of his body to find her.

Bring her home.

Bloody stupid humans fouling up the one chance they all had against an evil unlike any they had faced before.

He had not held back when he spoke of her in the kitchen and the glare in the eyes that watched him shone with acknowledged truth.

She was their best hope.

And while they pretended not to be affected by his words he wasn't an idiot.

Many years ago he had learned that a sharp tongue that delivered unveiled harsh truths could hurt more than any physical wound.

He had wielded it well tonight.

But the feeling of victory that should have come never showed in her absence.

She was all that mattered.

Wasn't she always?

His feet led him to a house that seemed still and peaceful. The only oddity appeared to be the front door. It was standing wide open.

He shook it off and walked in noting that many places were now like this one. Abandoned as all hope fled from people who had built homes and lives here. A place where even a vampire didn't need an invite. It was an odd sensation knowing that most houses in this same neighborhood would be like this. He could walk right in.

In years past this would have been a joy that led to much looting.

Now it was a simple oddity that saddened him a bit.

Unlife was a strange thing.

He had reached the bedroom and noticed that her scent was stronger here. She had stayed for some time. Tilting his head and drawing in a deep breath through his nose he could smell the faint trace of her blood and something else.

The blood of a vampire.

Opening his eyes he could make out the piles of dust thick on an other wise immaculate carpet.

She had been slaying.

But she was gone now. He moved to stand outside the house once more and drew in another breath.

The trail of her scent was muddled here. It was hard to distinguish and this puzzled him quite a bit. It had been so easy before. There a faint trace off on his right.

He followed it the itch in his senses warned him that his time was growing short.

Dawn was approaching. His search would have to wait until later the sun was rising and he had only a few minutes. The pull to sod it all and stay out until he found her was great. But could he do that without turning into a very poor imitation of the human torch before he went poof? It wasn't likely.

Best thing to do was head back and tell the others he hadn't found her.

Bit would probably worry.

The harsher side of his nature argued that it was the least the traitorous bastards deserved.

No he would tell them he hadn't found her and they would do what they always managed to do. Muck up something she would have to save them from.

History had a strange way of repeating itself. He was educated on that fact. The lessons of almost one hundred and fifty years were not to be taken lightly.

With a heavy sigh he turned and headed back to her house.

It was always her.


*********

Her eyes fluttered open to gaze at the world around her. For a time she could only stare blankly as her mind tried to piece together the sights before her and realign them with the memories that were stirring as her body awakened.

She remembered the pain as she was forced out of the house by words from people she considered comrades in arms, friends and family. All spoke with the same message. To leave, let them be in peace.

An unnoticed moan escaped her lips at the thought. She struggled to sit upright and took in the landscape around her until it sunk into her brain. Connecting with recognition.

She was in a cemetary the green grass and tombstones gave that away. The soft sound of a bird chirping came from behind the crypt that was covering her in its soft shade. It was what she refered to as Spike's cemetary the one where he had lived for a large portion of the last few years.

In fact she was only about fifteen yards from the door of said crypt.

Why was she here?

Her mind plowed ahead for more memories that could give her a small clue.

She remembered crawling into a soft bed in a strange house seeking shelter from the misery she had been feeling. It was peaceful until she had been woken by the sound of voices.

Her eyes became wide as she remembered the group of vamps, of being held pinned to the bed, of being drained. And one slow one that tugged at her. The sticky repulsive feel of cold blood as it trickled into her throat.

It couldn't be what she was thinking. She refused to believe it.

Mentally she took stock of herself fingers instinctively going to her throat resting on her pulse point.

Only there was no pulse.

Her skin was cool to the touch the heat that normally warmed chilled fingers missing.

And for the first time she realized that she hadn't drawn a breath in a very long while.

Oh dear God.

It was early yet she could tell by the light the way the shadows fell against the tombstones. She had become familiar with the patterns during the last year as she fled Spike's crypt in the early hours to rush home before she was discovered. It was sometime around six not too far from when the sun had risen.

Which was continually rising and eating away at the shade she was now in.

If her guess was right this was definitely not a good thing.

Or maybe it was. If she was now a vampire, and she cringed to even think the thought, the sun would be a sure escape of that fate. A final if not dusty ending. An ironic one at that. The Slayer dusting herself.

The fear of being the one thing she had fought against had stuck by her for many years. Only to be made a reality now.

Was she ready to just give in?

Or had she already when she had been turned?

That was too deep a thought and she shied away from it.

The real question was whether to stay or to go?

The tug to live suddenly opened itself into an all out scream not to be denied. She did not want the finality of death.

But she couldn't really live any longer either.

Maybe she was just a coward but the thought of waiting for the sun to rise in the air and burst her into flame held no real appeal.

So now she just needed a plan.

She stared straight ahead to the door of Spike's old place and in her mind she wished she had a blanket. There was a definite feeling that this was going to hurt.

Gathering a bit of courage she got to her feet ducking to keep herself in the shade for a moment longer.

Then she made the dash. She ran full out letting her body collide with the door as she felt her skin burn where the light touched her. She could smell the smoke as it wafted off her form.

But she was inside now. A familiar setting in a foriegn time.

She slammed the door shut behind her eyes adjusting to the darkness of the crypt. A darkness that she was now a part of.

Okay she needed to get a grip on her rambling brain. It was time to pull it together. Start acting like the Slayer.

Only she really wasn't anymore.

No. No need to let her thoughts drift in a useless direction. Now was definitely not the time to start brooding.

That brought a smile to her lips. She had been spending too much time with Spike.

First things first. What did she know for certain?

Adding everything up lack of pulse, lack of warmth, no need to breathe and a sudden severe allergy to sunlight confirmed what she already knew.

She had been turned.

So as a newly risen vampire what should she be doing?

With difficulty she cleared her mind and searched for what she knew about vamps.

She should be fighting an irresistable urge to hunt, to feed, overcome with her first bout of bloodlust.

But she wasn't.

The thought pushed a puzzled look to her face her lips settling into a pout. She did feel hungry but it was mild, just an empty feeling in her stomach like if she had a few hours to go before dinner and would like a light snack. Nothing that was too hard to resist.

She wondered what that meant. Having witnessed the rise of many a vampire in the last few years it struck her as very odd.

Thinking she sat on the top of the sarcaphogus crossing her legs in front of her.

Really when she got down to it she didn't feel all that different from the Buffy she had been twelve hours ago.

Letting her curiousity keep her distracted from her other feelings in a grand gesture of denial, she pulled on a memory of meditation Giles had taught her years ago to center herself. Taking a deep breath she let her eyes close and let her thoughts disolve.

There in the center of her being she could feel it. Primal and strong.

Her demon.

In her relaxed state she could puzzle through what it wanted and expected of her. She felt the first stirrings of hurt at the fact that her Sire had dumped her here to die in the sun a sign that he felt her unworthy. Past that was the urge to unleash against anything letting the destructive nature come out. The yen to go out and find prey, to scent it's fear on the wind. Her minds eye played through the pictures it showed her death and blood and gore.

She didn't feel to horrified at the images she found in her mind.

Oh that was kind of disturbing.

Opening her eyes she knew that the denial would only last so long. What was wrong with a little hunting? As long as she had a worthy target.

A wolfish grin spread across her face as she pictured the perfect target.

She never noticed that she had slipped into game face.

***********

Spike spent the morning secluded in the basement away from the piercing voices of too many hormone driven females that ran through the house.

It also kept him away from the blighters that considered themselves her friends.

No one had thought to question him when he arrived shortly before the sun had taken a firm hold of the sky outside. Expectant eyes had rested on him but he walked away down into the basement barely sparing them a glance let alone a word.

He had no desire to speak to any of them.

It was just as well. They seemed to be in the middle of setting about whatever big plan they had come up with the night before.

A battle without her leading the charge.

In his opinion Faith was a poor substitute. Not that any of them would care for his opinion. Like he cared what they thought.

No deep down he knew the only reason he had even returned here was two fold. The chance that she had come back on her own and the fact that it was habit now to return here. Just something he had become accustomed too.

So now he waited because what else could he do?

This day was already going too bloody slow.

Sleep was elusive and there was nothing down in the basement to occupy his thoughts.

Bugger.

He sat chain smoking instead of pacing reclined against the basement wall.

Listening. Waiting.

The sound of the front door banging open wasn't unusual as far as things went in El Casa De Summers lately but the following shouts and moans of pain were. Well during the day that is.

Curious he climbed the stairs to see what the hell was going on.

He made it to the living room just in time to see the Watcher and the Whelp carrying a very unconcious and very hurt Slayer up the stairs. Around him there were numerous potentials on the floor moaning and bleeding on the rug.

Slayer would have a fit about that. Blood was damn hard to get out.

Seeing the thin girl the Bit had found the other night he knelt down beside her as she put pressure on another chit's wounds.

"What happened?"

Her wide eyed stare met his eyes.

"There was a bomb."

He didn't say anything. Must have been a trap. He just nodded at her as the others continued to treat the injured. He straightened and made his way upstairs listening carefully to the murmured voices coming from Buffy's room.

"She going to be okay?" It was Red that asked sounding a bit more like the young teen that he had first threatened.

"I'm unsure Willow. Nothing appears broken but there could be internal injuries." Pompous git.

He couldn't help it he felt his hackles rise everytime he heard the Watcher's voice now. Ever since he tried to help the Principal off him.

He stood in the door way as the three of them looked on Faith's unconcious form.

He couldn't help himself. Not that he really tried.

"So big fight comin' and we're two Slayers down now?" He enjoyed the pained flinch they each gave him.

The Brit didn't turn to face him still intent on the resting woman on the bed.

"I take it that your search for Buffy was fruitless then?"

Spike snorted.

"Yeah found her scent in an abandoned place but she wasn't there." He didn't let the worry he felt about losing her trail enter his voice or his eyes.

Red's eyes seemed to tear up a little before she shook it off.

"It's okay we're fine." Her voice though still held the quiver she fought against.

"Keep tellin' yourself that pet. Maybe someday you'll believe it." He let out a snide chuckle and started to head out of the room.

"Where are you going Spike?"

"No business of yours now is it mate?" He gave the man an icy glare even if it was wasted on the back of his head. "Think I'll just get my stuff together. Come nightfall I'll shove off."

"You're leaving?" That came from the Whelp who at least had the decency to look at him. Even if it was in shock.

He gave him an uninterested shrug.

"No reason for me to stick around now is there?"

"But-" Red interrupted.

"Oh come now let's not kid ourselves here. You want me gone and the only thing keeping me here was the promise I made to a lady who, as I recall, was told to bugger off by the likes of you." He gave each of them a smirk. "Only thing I'm interested in doin' is finding her and helping her take down the First." He turned and took a step before glancing over his shoulder. "So the rest of you can just sod off."

Oh that felt all kinds of good. A guilty pleasure yes but a pleasure still.

It would have been something to savor while he waited for the hours to pass if not for one small problem.

Standing there in the hallway her stance reminding him of her big sis.

"You're just gonna leave?"

For the first time he gave even her an icy glare.

"You see a reason for me to stick around?" The tone he used with her was harsher then she was used to he could see it in her eyes. "Seems to me that I wasn't welcome here in the first place."

"But Buffy-"

"Isn't here. Can't imagine why that is. Care to explain it to me Dawn?" He always called her by name now the endearments that had come so easily before refused since he had returned with his soul.

Yes he knew his words would hurt her. But he couldn't imagine what had been said the night before to turn Buffy out of her own house. And if the Bit hadn't participated Buffy would never have left.

Her eyes were starting to fill with tears and he mentally strengthened his resolve.

"Giles said-"

"What convinced you that it was a good idea to abandon your own sister? She died for you Dawn. This how your going to repay her?"

"I didn't want to. It was supposed to help."

"Right good job it did too." He went to step around her. "Guess I'm not the only one who can hurt Buffy huh?" He barely muttered the words as he passed her not wanting the others to hear.

She flinched away from him hitting the wall in her haste.

He took a couple of steps and then turned back around to her again.

"You know part of being an adult is being able to make your own decisions despite what people say. Guess you have a ways to go yet."

He finally made it down to the solitude of the basement once more.

Down hear in the dark waiting for night to fall one thought going round in his mind.

"Buffy luv where are you?"

Chapter two

There was a time when Buffy avoided the sewer system in Sunnydale like the plague. After all it was a sewer so that kind of reaction would be of the normal. But there was the fact that the elaborate tunnels that crisscrossed the town was more of an underground railroad for many of the nasties that couldn't stand the harsh light of day. More then one vamp had known of its existence and she had avoided using it before.

However on the rare occasion that she had used the tunnels for some reason or another she was reminded why she never went down there.

Because aside from the fact that the confined space was hard to fight in on the off chance she did meet something nasty in there it was one simple thing.

It stank like hell.

Now as a human it had been difficult to be down there and continue to function without her latest meal making a sudden and unwanted reappearance.

But now she didn't need to breathe.

So here she trudged along not breathing feeling a little excited at the thought of where her little trip was taking her. The only downside to this little trek was the knowledge that the boots she was wearing were probably ruined now.

A small price to pay.

The single purpose that she had set out to do was keeping her from thinking about the events of the past day.

And the distraction was of the good.

Because if she dwelt on her feelings she might lose it completely.

She made her way carefully counting steps to keep track of where she was. Years of patrolling the entire town with her only transportation being her own two feet left her with a perfect internal map of the town. It made finding her way all across town to the very outskirts of the city remarkably easy.

Her pace slowed as she reached the last part of the tunnel in front of her destination. The morning sun was bright overhead and she could make out the outline of the building through the thick cover of trees that were about fifty feet in front of the culvert. There was enough shade that she wouldn't have to worry about dusting before she reached her goal.

And so for a moment she just stood and watched the silent building holding the blanket she had found in the crypt tightly in one hand.

A short dash and she would be able to finally accomplish the one thing she had been trying to get the others to help her with.

It was time to go.

Throwing the blanket over her head she ran quickly to the safety the trees canopy provided.

Which let her stroll right up to the front door.

Her hand grasped the doorknob and turned it. Watching as the door swung inwards easily not making any noise. Glancing around to check for anyone in her way she stepped over the threshold.

**********

As dusk began to settle into night Buffy continued to stare at the manhole cover above her. She watched as the colors of light played through the small holes and splashed into the sewer. The day had passed quickly and now as she waited for the last dwindling minutes of the day to fade away into the protective cover of night she let out a little sigh.

There were things that she needed and only one way for her to get them. It would be easy enough for her to find a pay phone and call asking someone to put a bag together for her while she took her time to get there and pick it up. No confrontations and no questions asked. Best of all no one would know exactly what had happened to her.

That plan was the one she liked the best.

The second of course was just to go and knock on the door and pray that someone she wanted to talk to answered. Not that there were that many of those now encased in that house.

Of course that was what was probably going to happen.

The fact that she didn't have a cent on her was a good enough reason not to be able to use a pay phone and now without the use of the Magic Box and the fact that the school was closed she didn't have access to a phone. But it was a moot point anyway with the power out all over town the cordless phone wouldn't work.

It still bothered her though.

The thought of walking up to the house that had been her home for seven years and knowing that she was not only unwelcome but also would need an invite to get in was disheartens to say the least.

But that thought would lead to dwelling and she was removing that hobby out of her life. It was better to just live in the moment then to think about all the stuff that had happened. Easier to let the denial swallow her completely.

There were certain things she couldn't ignore though and the fact that she needed desperately to change into another set of clothes as well as make sure she had something to eat later was enough to drive her to lift the cover off and step up into the night.

She stared at the house for a minute before she walked up the front porch and stood in front of the door. Debating whether or not to knock she waited and decided that it was better to be cautious. She placed an ear to the door listening carefully letting her new enhanced hearing take in what was going on inside the house. It was quiet no noise of movement in the living room.

Taking a chance she moved to the window and peeked through a slit in the curtains.

There were a bunch of potentials sleeping in the living room.

Well knocking here would only draw a bunch of girls’ attention to her and that was the last thing she wanted. Better to see if anyone was in the kitchen.

Quietly she walked around the house thankful that with the power out it would be hard for anyone to notice her approach.

Stepping up onto the porch she peeked through the door and was relieved when she didn't see anyone standing in the kitchen.

Using just one fingernail she lightly tapped on the glass hoping that maybe no one would answer the door just so she could be avoid-y girl.

She tapped again this time not really expecting an answer.

Which is why she was so surprised when the door opened.

"Buffy?"

She stared into the blue eyes of her sister blinking hard to try and wipe the pain she was feeling from showing.

"Hey." It was all she could manage to get out at the moment.

"Are you okay?"

She looked down and took in what she could see of her clothes. Not only was she rumpled but covered in dirt and the few stray drops of blood were splattered on her white top. She probably looked awful.

"I'm fine."

"Oh." Apparently her sister felt as awkward as she did.

"Look Dawn-"

"Buffy why are you just standing out here? Why don't you-"

"NO!" She hadn't meant to yell but there was no way that she was going to let her sister invite her into the house.

"No I mean I don't think it’s a good idea for me to come inside." She gave her a soft smile. One she wasn't exactly feeling at the moment. "I uh don't want to cause any weirdness you know?"

Dawn gave her a sad look.

"Okay."

"I just need a favor. Could you grab my purse and make me an overnight bag? I really need to get out of these clothes."

"Are you sure? I mean you could always-"

"I'm sure."

She watched as her sister just nodded and walked away from the door.

It was weird. Even though there was an invisible barrier separating the two of them she hadn't felt the urge to feed off of her. Sure she knew it would be pointless to try without the invite but the urge itself had been missing. It had kind of shocked her that she had refused the two obvious times her sister was going to ask her inside. But she hadn't wanted to.

The reaction she felt most when talking to Dawn was the same that she had had during life. It was her sister and she was family. For some reason she understood that all of her felt that way. Including the demon, which even though she had fed earlier should have been looking for another meal.

All of this was wigging her out big time.

She heard Dawn's footsteps return to the kitchen and shook herself out of her thoughts.

She took the bag that Dawn held outside of the door and slung it over her shoulder.

"Thanks."

"Buffy I just-"

"It's okay Dawn. No hard feelings alright?"

She looked like she was going to cry and Buffy had to fight the urge to turn on her heel and run. It was hard enough dealing with her own emotional upheaval right now. Seeing her sister in the same way was too hard.

The teen just nodded at her.

"Where are you going to go?"

That had been a question she had been asking herself all day.

"I'll figure something out."

They stared at each other for a few seconds neither knowing what to say to the other.

"Well I better go."

"Go where?" Her eyes were drawn away from her sisters to stare into an even deeper blue pair.

She felt the breath in her throat hitch and wondered when she had started breathing again. Maybe it was when she had started to talk to her sister.

He was looking at her so intently and her nerve endings were doing a little tap dance in response. She was pleased when she got that familiar tingle that told her that a vampire was near one that she knew well. It was always the same when he was near her a little extra tingle that told her that it was Spike.

On his part he was taking all of her in seeing her rumpled and dirty appearance the way her hair was now mussed out of the ponytail she was wearing. There was a streak of dirt down her right cheek and he thought that her lip looked a little swollen.

He had woken just a few moments before making his way up to the kitchen berating himself for falling asleep so late in the day. It was unavoidable considering the lack of sleep he had accumulated over the last few days but it hadn't hit him until late in the afternoon. So he had woken up with a start surprised at the late hour. He had wanted to leave just as soon as it was dusk and now night had completely fallen.

Spike was anxious to get out and start looking for Buffy convinced that her absence all day also only meant that something was incredibly wrong. It wasn't like her to stay away like this.

So imagine his own shock when he walked to the back door only to see Dawn talking to Buffy.

She looked fine to him but something was off and he couldn't put his finger on it.

"Go where pet?" He asked her again hoping to get an answer this time.

When he asked again it seemed to break her out of the trance she had been feeling.

"You're leaving?" The bag over his shoulder confused her quite a bit.

This time he looked put on the spot a bit.

"Was. Thought I'd head out and look for you."

She couldn't help the teasing smile she gave him.

"Looks like you found me." She didn't have time to see him relax when she heard the other voices coming into the kitchen.

"I gotta go." She turned and headed down the walk towards the gate of the yard.

She didn't have to turn to know that the footsteps behind her belonged to a certain blond.

"Buffy wait." His hand landed on her shoulder and turned her around.

There was something wrong. The feeling poured through him until it seeped into every pore and penetrated every cell. Little things he noticed at first the subtle paleness of her skin, the lack of warmth where his hand met her shoulder, the way her breathing was unsteady not picking any particular rhythm these little things he noticed right away. Only then did he listen intently and discovered what was missing. Something was so beyond wrong that he couldn't comprehend it.

He couldn't hear her heart. The steady thrum that had brought him a measure of comfort after she had come back from the dead. A sound he'd come to depend on unlike any other. A sound that was now missing.

Now what his senses had been screaming at him made sense. How he didn't just sense the slayer. Why he sensed a vampire.

Buffy watched the wheels actively turn in his mind and knew the second the facts clicked in place for him. The look of shock and denial were to be expected. It was when a look of pain crossed his face did she feel the hurt she had been trying to bury.

A few more steps and they would be out of her backyard and on the street.

"Spike not here okay?" Her eyes pleaded with him. She needed to get away from the house away from the people inside it. If he wanted to talk to her she needed to do it away from prying and judging eyes.

He wanted to speak but the words wouldn't form on his tongue. There was a tightness in his chest like his heart was being squeezed. It was something that he had never thought possible to happen to her. Something he wouldn't ever dream of being a possibility.

In his shock he was unresponsive to her and she felt the staring eyes that looked on from the house. She knew that she couldn't deal with them with all of this. Taking advantage of his reaction she turned and ran.

She didn't care where she ended up the only goal was to put as much distance between herself and the house as possible. Her feet pounded against the asphalt as the bag she was carrying continued to slam against her back. It was faster then she had ever run before the speed driven by her desperation to just move to get away to keep herself entrenched in the denial that had surrounded her for the last day. The only place where she could be safe.

The sound of her thudding footsteps drowned out anything else as her feet ate up the road before her. She pushed her legs not letting up until she could feel the burn in muscles that were becoming over worked. Her run slowed to a jog and then to a brisk walk as she finally looked around.

She was on Crawford Street, which seemed kind of strange to her considering she had avoided this section of town for years.

The touch of a hand grabbing her elbow caused her to jump. So intent had she been on her flight that she hadn't heard anyone approach her. The pressure on her elbow caused her to turn around and she felt her eyes clash with eyes that glinted with anger. Reflexively she took a defensive step back.

"What the bloody hell is wrong with you?" He was panting as though he had been running just as she had.

Spike was nearly blinded by his rage he wanted answers to questions he was too afraid to ask. He was struggling with just the unfairness of the life that had been granted to him and the shell of the woman before him.

"You want the long list or the short one?" She snapped back defensively. His anger was something she had witnessed before and even had directed at her but it had been awhile. It was something she was unaccustomed to.

"Buffy-" The way he bit out her name was a warning. She didn't want to push him but was helpless to do otherwise.

"What? Do you want me to say it? Fine." She adopted her most saccharine voice. "Hi Spike I'm a vampire. Yep. Woke up this morning a bloodsucking fiend." She yanked her arm out of his grasp. "Happy? Now just go."

He took a step closer to her.

"Who did this to you?" He ground the words out between his teeth. When he found the git he was going to take pleasure in beating it within an inch of its unlife.

"I don't know just some vamp I've never seen before. Now can I go? I've had a really crappy day." She was losing her own anger she could feel it draining out of her as the words came out of her mouth. It was hard to hold onto it with as tired as she was.

She turned to walk away from him when he grabbed her shoulders.

"I can't let you do that pet." The words were quiet and regretful. Unfortunately she understood all too well.

Flash to a few years ago and her reaction to seeing someone she knew turned into a vamp would be the same. They would have to be staked. After all wasn't that what she had done with Ford and Holden?

She let out a sigh and dropped her head. Who was she kidding it wasn't like this was the first choice she wanted as her existence. Especially one that would be almost eternal if she was careful.

Pivoting around she faced him again.

"No I don't suppose so." She eyed him watching as his grip tightened on the stake in his hand. Looking back into his eyes she could see such a play of emotions in them. So much pain and again she was the cause of it. She let out another sigh.

"Just make it quick." She dropped the bag from her shoulder onto the ground. If she was dust they could use the money in hr purse. Not like they were rolling in the stuff.

He blinked at her and she watched the confusion cross his features.

"You're not going to fight me?" He sounded as bewildered as she had felt all day.

She snorted. "What would be the point? Just get it over with."

"This- this isn't like you Buffy." Nothing was making sense to him and all he could do was fight the pain he was feeling crawl inside of him.

"Right and that surprises you how? I rose as a vampire today Spike. I think normal Buffy behavior has taken a permanent vacation." She softened the look in her eyes. He was hurting she knew even if he hadn't said it since he'd gotten his soul that he still loved her. And god forbid she cause him any more pain because quite frankly she'd done enough of that last year thank you very much.

"I know you're confused trust me I so get it. But you and I both know that I ceased being the Buffy you remember the second I woke up. So if you want, if you think it’s for the best then stake me."

"Why are you just giving up?" He didn't understand how she could, her demon should be screaming inside of her yelling about its own self-preservation and yet she stood calmly before him. It didn't make any sense.

"Spike I may not be the same person I was yesterday but all those memories and emotions are there. I know who I was and I really can't live with what I can become." She went and sat on the curb tired and emotionally drained. Too much had happened and her brain was on overload. It was just too much. "The only thing I had planned was to find my miserable excuse for a Sire, torture him and then drive a stake through his heart. After that I was just thinking of watching the sun rise."

Her eyes turned back to him watching the emotions on his face.

Spike struggled internally with what his ears were trying to tell his brain. She wanted this. She was ready to let herself dust because of what she had become without even fighting. And she wanted him to do it. She hadn't said as much but he was adept enough at reading in between the lines. Buffy wanted him to kill her.

He hadn't risen yesterday and he understood exactly what happened when the demon entered the body. The soul was gone but the thoughts and memories were still there. Most times the demon took advantage of that and used it to make easier kills. Friends and family were always amongst the first targets of the fledge. So in a way they still were the person from before minus the soul. But in most ways they weren't.

He'd been watching her closely as they were talking and he couldn't get over just how much she hadn't changed. He was unwilling or unable to reconcile himself with the fact that this woman who looked so much like the woman he loved was now not her. He couldn't accept that. Not when her convictions were so strong. Not when she was just willing to die because of what she had become.

"You know I can't."

His whispered words tore at her heart. Even if he didn't understand it she had cared about him probably for longer then she would like to admit. But this last year they had been closer then ever and he had become someone she could lean on. He had been the only one to think of her in all of this mess. Not as the Slayer but as Buffy.

"I was afraid of that." Another sigh escaped her. "I understand how you feel. But you know you should. I'm a vampire Spike. One without a chip and without a soul. Soon I'll become a cold-blooded killer. I know it and so do you."

"If that's true why didn't you grab Dawn?"

"I don't know." She shrugged her shoulders her eyes now drifting to her hands clasped in front of her. "It was like all of me recognized her as family and I just didn't have the urge to kill. Not to say that I wouldn't have tried to take out any one else in the house. Not after what happened last night. My demon's a little pissed off."

He kneeled in front of her.

"Is that why you ran off pet?"

"No. I just didn't want Dawn's last memory of me to be getting staked in our backyard." Her eyes returned to his.

As their eyes locked he had to hold back a breath. Deep green pools pulled him in as they always did and he could feel himself sinking. He watched the starkness in her eyes as she dealt with her turbulent emotions. He could only guess at what she was feeling.

"Did you feed yet?" He was afraid to hear the answer knowing that the actual thought of taking a human life would be the beginning of the end for her.

He was surprised when a malicious smile crossed her lips.

"Oh well you could say I did."

Suddenly he found himself looking for the stake he had dropped. The tone she used made a shiver crawl up his spine and even though his soul was firmly in charge his demon practically screamed in delight at the obvious tint of evil in the creature before him. He fought the feeling back reminding the stubborn part of his brain that he wasn't sitting in front of Buffy but a demon. Not that it was listening to him in the least.

Swallowing past the lump in his throat he took a deep breath.

"What do you mean luv?"

And suddenly the pure evil glint in her eye was gone replaced by a shy bashfulness that he hadn't seen from her in years.

"I uh got the urge to hunt so I..."

"You what pet?" He kept the question gentle but afraid of the answer nonetheless.

"I went after Caleb."

Of all the things she could have said this one knocked him for a loop. She hadn't gone after anyone she would have easy access to she had gone after the Big Bad? That really didn't make any sense.

"I went back to the vineyard and um well..." She swallowed nervously. "ItoyedwithhimforacoupleofhoursbeforeIdrainedhim."

When only a blank look continued to stare at her she took a deep breath and spoke slower as she looked back down at her hands.

"I tortured him for a couple of hours and then I drained him."

"Are you telling me that preacher boy is dead?"

"Yeah."

"Let me get this straight. You, a newly risen vamp, went out and specifically chose your first kill and it was an evil bugger that needed to die?" He was beside himself this was just not happening.

"I know I don't get it either." She covered her face with her hands. "I'm just so confused."

That was it he officially was completely baffled. There was just no way he was going to be able to wrap his mind around what was going on. Not tonight and definitely not out here in the middle of the street. They needed someplace where they could sort all of this out.

He looked around and for the first time recognized where they were.

Grabbing one of her hands he began tugging her to her feet.

"C'mon luv. What do you say we go and get a decent place to sit and try to figure this out?"

She was too tired to argue and walked over to her bag and slung it over her shoulder once more.

They walked along in silence Buffy slightly behind him before he stopped in front of thier destination.

Almost running into him as he stopped she finally looked at where their feet had taken them too.

"I don't know if I can stay here Spike." Her eyes took in the familiar surroundings of the old mansion.

" 'Snot like I've got fond memories of the place either Slayer. But it's furnished and we don't need an invite."

She shrugged. He had a point and she would at least get a chance to sit for awhile.

Her eyes took in the dark familiar surroundings and repressed a shudder at hundreds of distant memories. The place was thick with them giving it an almost haunted feeling. Her eyes drifted to the covered furniture that faced the empty fireplace.

Too many memories were buried in this tomb like building living here as though sealed in a crypt. A cemetery in a way of many of her dreams. Even though she had lost her virginity in Angel's apartment this was the place where she finally lost her innocence. If she closed her eyes she could remember the way Acaltha stood in the room, the blinding flash of light as the mouth of hell opened before she drove that sword into her lover's gut sending him to hell.

And although he had found some way back none of the memories after that were happy either. In truth she couldn't remember a whole lot of happy memories when it came to her relationship with the dark vampire. No wonder she didn't come to this place.

She pushed the feelings aside. They were something she had dealt with a long time ago. And while they still could find a way to slither into her brain and cause pain it wasn't anywhere like it used to be. The girl that had stood in this same room years ago was now gone and there was no way to bring her back.

Looking around she could see Spike studying her intently and she had to force down the urge to lash out at him. It was making her uncomfortable but she couldn't blame him. Everything for all of them had changed it was no wonder that he was having a time of making sense of it. It didn't make sense to her either.

Spike couldn't help the way he watched the emotions travel over her face. She was unguarded for once letting everything she was feeling be expressed. He looked on and could even feel the unease radiating off of her in this place. It wasn't somewhere he liked to be reminded of either the months he had spent in that chair underneath Angelus' thumb had driven him close to the brink of insanity. The only thing that had kept him going was the knowledge that he would walk again and find a way to get Druscilla back. A motivation that was lost to him now as he gazed at the blond before him.

He couldn't fathom the fact that she was as dead as he was. The way she moved the intensity of the feelings coursing through her small body kept his mind from thinking of her in that way. Hard to imagine that the body in front of him no longer housed the soul he had fallen in love with. But he couldn't see it and maybe that was the biggest part of the problem. Aside from the fact that she kept telling him she was a vampire her actions contradicted that fact. To know that she had sought out and ended the biggest threat in Sunnydale besides the First on her rising was too strange.

Throwing his body on to the covered couch he watched as she stood staring into the empty fireplace. Her eyes were glassy and far away it didn't take him long to decide to let her set the pace for their talk. Forcing her now would only lead to confusion, which for her usually led to anger and that usually led to him feeling a bit of pain in the nose region.

There was a downside to pushing away her thoughts that the mansion seemed to draw out. It meant she was all to free to concentrate on what she was going through now. She had no desire to confront the feelings she found bubbling up inside of her. In front of her now was a future that she couldn't accept that had no place for a Slayer who was now a vampire. It was odd that she hadn't spent more time dwelling on the possibility in the last few years knowing it was a serious risk in her line of work. But she had buried the fear deep inside her. Each win she had against the undead enemy seeming to guarantee that it would never happen.

What did she have to look forward to? It wasn't like she was going to embrace the life of a vampire of that much she was certain. She wasn't going to be able to go out and kill innocent people she didn't have it in her to be able to deal with that. Not that she would feel guilt or regret not in the real sense but she couldn't justify the action when she knew she could survive without it. She had been witness to that fact. No she would bag it. But that didn't mean she would be able to control the bloodlust. She wasn't even sure how she had controlled it this morning. It wasn't something to be expected of a fledgling more something that was only gained through years of experience. Something only found in Master vampires.

And to make matters worse the person she was supposed to be able to depend on in this situation which was so fucked up she couldn't even begin to make sense of was her Sire. It was supposedly only with their guidance that most fledges managed to survive the first few months of adjustment when the demon was stronger than the humanity and led them to do impulsive and reckless things. Of course even if she did have her Sire he definitely wouldn't be able to teach lessons in impulsive and reckless decisions judging from the fact that he turned a Slayer. Not a bright move.

"You don't have to do this you know." She didn't look back at him as she spoke.

"Haven't got anything better to do pet." She still didn't turn to face him but she could hear the tease in his voice.

"They'd stake me without a second thought."

Spike stared at her for a moment bewildered at her train of thought.

"Why?"

She finally turned around and looked at him.

"Are you serious? You should know better then anyone what they would do. What I would do in their place."

"So what now you’re feelin' sorry for yourself?"

"After the day I just had? I think I have the right too." She just gave him a shrug before looking around the room and sitting on the floor facing the couch. "But no that's not it."

"Tell me what it is then."

Buffy let out a self-deprecating snort. "You know I was just getting used to the idea that I would never have a normal life." She used air quotes around the normal life. "Now I'm not even going to be a normal vampire."

He didn't say anything as he got up and sat on the floor next to her. Reaching over he took her hand in his.

"Okay maybe I am feeling sorry for myself. I just don't know what to make of all this. Last night was bad enough. I mean what the hell was that about any way?" She let out a deep sigh. "This whole year has been so confusing. I just want someone to point out the bad guy let me pummel him and call it a day. But no we have to get stuck with the incorporeal snarking evil. Not to mention having to put up with that many teen-age girls in my house. Do you know what it's like to share a bathroom with all of them? I mean we practically have to take a number to even get in there for a few seconds." She shook her head at her own ramblings. "I just wish I understood what was going on with me."

She watched as he tilted his head at her in that way that told her he was trying to puzzle her out. It was comforting and so familiar that she could feel the sting of tears behind her eyes. Taking a deep breath she pushed the feeling down and forced the lump in her throat to move.

That he could comfort her with so simple a gesture, that she could feel some measure of peace at the touch of his hand reminded her how much he had truly come to mean to her. He was the rock that she had learned to finally lean on, the one person she let in that could fathom her weaknesses and not think her any less for them. The one person in the whole world that was able to see her. The woman, the girl, the slayer and now faced with a her that would be frightening to everyone else she knew he would be able to accept that too. It was a feeling that left her winded giving her lungs the feeling that they needed to fight for air when the last thing she should crave is the life giving breath.

And now sitting here a creature very much like the one she had always envisioned as she taunted him mercilessly, a demon, a soulless ghoul that inhabited a once warm body, she saw, truly saw just how sick and soulless she used to be. For once in her life she finally understood with more then a vague concept exactly what the man in front of her had sacrificed to be everything she could have wanted from him. Saw everything she had pushed him into how he had given her himself entirely while he got nothing in return.

She couldn't help the small tremble of her body at the turn of her thoughts. For a long while she had steered her brain away from the feelings she knew to be true only because of a stupid fear of herself. Fear that she wouldn't be worth him.

And now with a little twist of her life she was exactly what she feared she would become. Someone far beneath him.

Not that she had that far to fall.

She had been a silent witness to the way the man in front of her had been able to love. Saw the devotion he was capable of a century after he first felt its pull. The intensity with which he gave himself fully to anyone he cared about.

No she was already so unworthy of him it wasn't funny.

And now she could finally see it.

Life was turning out to be a real bitch.

Course she should know she was one herself.

She squeezed his hand. This probably wasn't the best time for such thoughts and to be truthful to herself this round of thinking was just making her mind more muddled then it already was.

But she couldn't let go of that kind of self-inspection without a little acknowledgement.

"Thank you Spike."

He had been marveling at the feel of her hand in his the once warm flesh that was the same temperature as his own now. And while in some small way he knew that he should be feeling a bit of repulsion at the thought of his once bright light being dimmed but he couldn't find it in himself. Even if she was dead now, one of his own kind, he still knew it was her. The beat of her heart was gone but the lilt of her voice, the look in her eyes, her scent, the way her hand just felt right in his all told him that he was indeed sitting in front of his Buffy.

He felt the slight tremble that traveled through her slender frame and his eyes narrowed in worry. Ever since he had gotten his soul it was just so much harder to read her. Before it only took him a simple look and he had understood what was going on inside of her pretty little head. But now everything about her had become a mystery. Since his return he continued to be surprised by her.

"For what pet?"

"Just being here. I know I haven't always said it..." She paused and gave a slight snort of disbelief. "Who am I kidding I've never said it. I just thank you for always being here."

"Buffy-"

She shook her head. "Don't, you know it's true. I've never been anything but a selfish bitch to you. I don't even know how you can stand the sight of me." She let go of his hand and leaned to lie back on the floor staring at the ceiling. "Right now you should be gloating you know."

The words were without malice because she knew it to be true. He should gloat he should just rub her face in it. How many times had she brought up his demonic soulless state and thrown it in his face? What better feeling could there be for him knowing that now he had his soul and she didn't?

"Not what I'm about luv."

"No I guess not." She closed her eyes trying hard not to give in to the painful emptiness in her chest. Maybe where her soul once lived.

Could he describe the pain he felt watching her like this. Probably not. There weren't really words that could convey the type of feeling.

"Tell me what happened Buffy."

Letting out a deep sigh she reopened her eyes.

"After I left the house last night I walked around the neighborhood and finally decided to crash in this empty house. I fell asleep for a while until I was woken up by a bunch of fledges. There was like ten of them and by the time I was up they were all crowded in a small room. I didn't have any room to maneuver and let's just say it wasn't one of my better fights. Anyway to make a short story shorter they pinned me down drained me and forced blood down my throat." She grimaced at the memory and was a little startled to feel a comforting hand on her arm. Placing hers over it she gave him a light squeeze. "I came to in the cemetery right near your old crypt and spent some time there trying to figure out what happened to me. Then I got the urge to hunt and went to the vineyard through the sewers. Toyed with Caleb for awhile drained him then waited for it to get dark before I got to the house."

"Tell me what you were thinking when you decided to go after him."

Her lips turned in a slight frown trying to put to words just what she had been feeling. She sat up and looked into his eyes.

"Really I don't know how to describe it. It was like waking up after you've been knocked out you know? Kind of hard to remember what happened. And then everything came at once. I sat there just totally wigging trying to figure out what the hell I was going to do. I just didn't feel like a vampire. I mean I did when I ran into the crypt I mean hello sunlight not the most pleasant experience. But I kept waiting for the overwhelming urge to kill or for the bloodlust to drive all the thoughts out of my head. All that happened was that I started to get a headache from thinking too much."

"And you decided on Caleb because?"

"I meditated a bit trying to get in touch with my demon self I guess. Then I got the desire for a good hunt. Something that would give me a bit of a challenge. He seemed to fit the bill." She sat back up to look him in the eye.

"Don't get me wrong Spike. I still wanted to hunt really hunt and the thought that there was a bunch of meals on wheels right outside was kind of appealing. I just didn't feel the need to waste energy that way. I mean I know I can survive on pig’s blood or go to the hospital and bag it that way. I don't think it's because I feel any tie to humanity and I know there isn't any guilt I just need more of a challenge after years of being the Slayer. Humans are just too weak."

"Buffy-" He closed his eyes for a moment trying to gather his thoughts. It was all a little too much to take in at once. The woman that he loved would never have considered taking a human life. It was made all to real to him then that her soul was truly gone. The answering pang of pain in his own soul cut deeply.

There were other things to focus on though. The time for his own self-reflection at the changes in her would have to wait.

"So yeah I took out Caleb. And given the chance I'll probably patrol just to get some violence in. But I can't tell you I'm not going to feed. We both know it would be a lie. Sooner or later I'm going to run into a person by themselves and think hey how bout some lunch. Maybe you should have just staked me." She turned away from those piercing blue eyes unwilling to see the emotions that flickered there because of her new existence. "I really want to be able to tell you that it doesn't matter that even without a soul I can control the urges. But you know that would be a lie. I'm technically just a fledgling without a Sire. And if you let me continue to unlive well there's a chance that I will lose control."

She looked back at him still careful to avoid looking into his eyes.

"I feel it you know the part of me that still rebels at the thought of killing anyone. It's there somewhere deep inside but it's like really faint. Maybe it's all the years of being the Slayer and having it ingrained into me to protect people. I don't know. What I do know is that eventually it won't be enough."

He studied her face the look of confusion and anguish enough to make him hold his breath. Inside he wanted nothing more then to wrap his arms around her and pull her close. To hold her and tell her he could make things better.

Such thoughts weren't going to help them now.

He was silent as she spoke because he didn't know what to say. There was nothing. Every word she spoke was the truth and he understood it. How could he not? It may have been a century since he had been a fledgling but he remembered the experience pretty clearly. How would he have fared without the guidance of his Sire and Grandsire as insane as they were? Not very well.

His memory of his meek beginnings as William had made him a very confused vampire. Thoughts of death and destruction had been the farthest thing from the young man's mind and it was only the demon within that made the thoughts seem appealing. He remembered the hesitation with his first kill. The slight battle deep within his conflicted psyche about the rightness of it all. It was only the stare of his grandsire that brought him out of his brooding and settled him into his demonic role.

And yes the loss of control that came with the scent of fresh blood didn't hurt either. Years of learning to live with his demon and constant torture from Angelus had taught him the control necessary to keep him from acting just on his impulses to feed. Well most of the time. He was a rash individual it was just his nature.

Buffy had no such guidance if what she said about her Sire was true. And she probably wouldn't have one for long in any circumstances anyway because as soon as he found out who he was he was going to stake the miserable bastard for doing this to her. But her control was something else. It was almost like she had had years of training stamping down its call for blood.

And that brought him another thought. Maybe she had.

It was true that after Buffy had come back from her little portal experience she hadn't told him exactly what happened only that she was offered more power. It didn't take a genius to figure out where the power of the Slayer had come from. He had suspected it for years. The thing was if it was something like the essence of a demon then technically she had been suppressing such urges from the day she was called. Only it hadn't centered on people.

There wasn't much else she could say. So instead she just sat quietly taking in his stoic face while trying to avoid looking into his vibrantly blue eyes. Because the reality of looking into his steady gaze and seeing the pain harboring in his young yet tortured soul was too much to bear.

In her quiet contemplation of his reaction to her she began to feel a slight tingle in her body.

One that was familiar.

She tensed her muscles concentrating on the feeling.

Buffy wasn't sure if she should be glad or not that her slayer senses were still fully active. In fact it was a good thing because her vampire senses weren't picking up on the presence she felt on the other side of the boarded up windows. Looking carefully at Spike she could see he wasn't picking it up either. Odd considering whom it was.

It always amazed her when she realized that she could sense certain vamps. When she finally understood that certain tingles let her know that Angel was in the area she thought it had something to do with the love she felt for him.

That theory was blown to hell when she began to recognize Spike's signature when she still hated him.

Maybe it was the proximity or the familiarity that working together had caused the discernable reactions in her body.

But she was certain that there was another theory.

Because that wasn't Angel stepping up behind her.

She rose to her feet back still turned to the silent figure. It didn't matter she didn't feel any apprehension at the approach.

The look on Spike's face was priceless though.

The gentle hands that landed on her shoulders slid gracefully down her arms in a soft caress.

"Hello Dru."

The nearness of the body behind her felt comforting in an odd way. Well odd considering that the last time she'd seen the vampire in question they were trying to kill each other.

There was something about her presence though that Buffy couldn't put her finger on. Something she was responding too.

Her hands lingered on her lower arms and Buffy felt her step closer so they were almost touching. Whatever it was she wasn't going to fight it. Relaxing she let her head rest against Dru's shoulder.

"Dru?"

"Spike you've been a bad puppy letting the Sunshine feel so sad."

Spike couldn't help the thought that he'd stepped into an episode of the Twilight Zone. The two women in front of him were a study in contrasts between light and dark and it made him a little uncomfortable in the lower region. They were both extraordinarily beautiful and he couldn't help the downward spiral his thoughts were taking. He was only a man after all.

He was mesmerized by the sight of his former lover's hands gliding back up Buffy's arms and settling over her shoulders before reaching around her waist and pulling her tight against her body. Swallowing hard he tried to focus on what she was saying.

"Don't worry Sunshine Mummy's here to make the ugly clouds go away."

Buffy shuddered as the words past Dru's lips and her breath brushed against her ear. She had no idea what the older vamp was talking about, not that she was surprised really, the only person who ever seemed to understand her was Spike. Her questioning eyes focused on the man in front of her and waited.

"Something you want to share with the rest of us pet?" He stood up brushing the dust off of his dark jeans and took a step towards the two women.

"The stars are cross my Spike. Miss Edith told me that I had to make it better. This time my party will have new guests."

Well if she wasn't confused before she sure was now. Nothing in that statement made a lick of sense to her.

"So the guest list needs a little updating does it? Tell me why ducks." One more step towards the women and he tilted his head waiting for her answer. The only way he ever got Dru to explain things to him was with a whole lot of patience and trying to use her terminology. It wasn't like it was hard for him. Hell he'd been talking to her for a hundred and twenty years. It was old hat now.

He watched as huge smile lit up his Sire's face. Her blue eyes seemed to sparkle with mirth as her hands tightened around the Slayer.

"Sunshine refused her gift. It was rude but the others want her to have it anyway."

His eyes focused on Buffy as she drew in a sharp breath and turned to study Dru's face. Whatever answers she was searching for were not to be found and as if she could sense his gaze her eyes turned to him again. The eyebrow he raised in silent question was the only prompt that she needed.

"The three men I saw when I went through the portal. They wanted to give me more power. I thought the price was too high."

"What kind of power pet?" He kept his tone low and gentle not knowing how long she was going to be willing to tell him anything. Especially in the presence of Dru.

"They wanted to give me more of the essence of the demon that made the first Slayer. I panicked and refused it." She turned her eyes away from his but he didn't need to see them to know the conflict raging in her mind.

"Little girl thought she knew better. The stars told me that it wasn't so."

"What did they tell you Dru?"

She gave a little giggle. The sound brought a bunch of memories of happier times with his dark princess to the forefront of his mind. Memories that also brought a fresh rush of pain and guilt for their bloody imagery.

"Nasty soul. Makes all the puppies unwilling to play. Even Daddy is beyond my touch now. Grand mummy showed me before she went away again." She dropped her head to the opposite side of Buffy letting it rest on her shoulder as she looked over at him. "Our family is all broken my Spike. Even you. I've gotten so lonely."

He couldn't help the anger that bled into his eyes. The deep seated pain was something he never thought he'd be able to get over.

"In case your memory isn't working right pet you were the one who sent me away remember?"

The tinkling laugh that came out of her didn't help the rage he felt in his gut.

"Oh my poor boy. Don't you understand? I had to set you free. Let you find what you've always searched for." She nuzzled Buffy's neck. "Had to let you find effulgent all on your own."

It took everything he had not to let his jaw drop open at her words.

"But now all the birdies have flown away and the nest is empty. The stars have told me to start a new nest."

"And how exactly do you plan on doing that pet?"

"The stars told me a secret but I'm not going to tell."

He was getting frustrated and had to tamp down the urge to begin yelling. He wondered how he had stranded her insane rambling for a century. Love or not he had been one patient bastard.

"Dru what did they say about me?" It was the first time she had spoken her words quiet but sure startled both the others in the room.

A pleased smile broke out on Dru's face at her words.

"They told me the little Dolly would become very strong. Said you would fix my family all better."

"How would she do that then luv?" Spike had an uneasy feeling about where this was leading.

"Nope can't tell." She shook her head. Stopping she looked at him with the mirth returning to her eyes. "But I can show you."

The feeling in his gut intensified with the look in her eyes and he couldn't fight the urge to take one more step closer to them.

It wasn't enough though as he watched Dru vamp and bite into Buffy's pale neck.

Buffy didn't have any idea of what Dru meant but thought it couldn't be important. Not with the feeling of Dru's fangs in her throat. The gentle pulls of blood that she was taking were sending answering pulls into her lower abdomen. Her eyes fluttered closed with the sensation and she lifted her arm to place a hand to the back of Dru's neck to hold her in place.

In response she felt one of Dru's hands spread out over her stomach while the other trailed up and down the side of her body. She suppressed a moan as desire rocketed out of control through her heightened awareness. Reaching around with her free hand Buffy snaked it behind her to pull the other vampiress closer to her.

It only lasted a few moments but time seemed to freeze for Spike. He was unsure of what to do. Should he pull them apart? Should he leave them be? The erotic image of his Sire drinking from his love clashed with his confusion leaving him doing nothing but staring at the two of them.

As Dru took her last gulp of Buffy's rich blood she began to lick the bite closed. Closing her eyes she began chanting.

Buffy could barely make out the sound of Dru chanting over her harsh panting breaths. The intensity of the feeling of Dru drinking from her left her in a state of arousal that she couldn't control and she felt helpless to try and stop.

The words may have meant nothing to Buffy but Spike understood them. Latin flowed from his dark princess as she completed the ceremony by placing her wrist in front of Buffy's nose.

She didn't need to be told she just followed the actions finding her demon wanted this more then anything else. Vamping she sunk her fangs gently and reverently into Dru's pale wrist.

The taste of her blood sent chills running through her body and she pulled greedily on the heavenly elixir. It tasted like the sweetest thing she had ever known and at the same time screamed home and family to her all at once. One last pull and she let go making sure to lick the wounds tenderly so they would close.

Spike stood there knowing his mouth was gaping open. He thought the ceremony Dru performed had been a myth. Surely it was something long forgotten by others of his kind. How she knew of its existence was beyond him.

Buffy reluctantly let go of Dru's wrist and turned in her embrace looking her in the eyes for the first time since her arrival. The feeling of belonging that raced through her made tears shimmer in her eyes and she felt helpless to stop the urge to throw her arms around the taller woman.

Spike stared at the smile that was on his Sire's face. He didn't recall ever seeing her so happy as she did with Buffy holding onto her tightly. He didn't understand what led to this moment but the intensity of it brought home all the loneliness he had felt in the last few years being away from his family and his rejection by all the scoobies Buffy included. In that moment he understood everything that had been missing in his existence. His knees buckled and he slid to the floor.

"How? Why?" His words were a whispered plea for understanding his swirling emotions taking him past the point of comprehension.

"Such a lost little lamb." With Dru's words Buffy turned around and took in Spike as he sat there in a heap on the floor pain flooding his blue eyes. The feeling tugged at her still heart and with Dru she moved to kneel beside him. They both wrapped their arms around him holding his shaking form tightly as he struggled to regain control of his emotions.

He gladly took the comfort offered by both women too lost in his own feelings to be able to pull away. Unsure of how long they were wrapped up in each other he let the security and warmth of being cared for by these two strong women wash over him.

"Spike?" Buffy questioned softly unsure what had brought about this sudden emotional moment.

He shook his head slightly and buried his face near her neck. Not knowing what to say she began to use her hand to gently stroke his hair trying to offer him a little comfort.

It was all just too much and he didn't know how to deal with it. All the emotions of the last three years screamed at him all the pain and loss the humiliation and anger the betrayal and guilt it was overwhelming and it played on his tortured soul. Maybe all of that wouldn't have been so bad if Buffy hadn't been turned and he wasn't sitting here in front of his Sire knowing what she just did.

He didn't look up from his place in Buffy's neck and brought on of his hands to hold her free one seeking reassurance in her presence. If she was here holding him while he held her back she wasn't really dead and all this didn't mean anything anyway.

For some reason Buffy knew that he was pulling in on himself trying to hide from whatever pain he was feeling. She couldn't let him do that. Neither of them had the time to play in the land of denial and she knew that was where he was heading. Taking her hand from his hair she gently placed a finger under his chin and lifted it to look into his eyes.

"Talk to me Spike. Help me understand." If she could get him to focus on her then he would be able to tear himself away from whatever internal turmoil he was going through.

He wanted to tell her. She needed to understand the signifigance of the moment but the words were lodged in his throat. Pain and grief kept them from escaping and even though he felt like a sodding git he couldn't fight it yet. He took a shaky breath hoping the recalled action would have a calming influence on him.

Taking her hand from his chin Buffy carefully trailed it along the sharp plane of his cheekbone.

Another shaky breath passed his lips as he gazed into her deep green eyes. The concern that shined there covered him like a blanket enveloping him with a warmth he thought he would never feel again. He just wished it would soothe the ache in his heart.

Inhaling one last time he forced his mind to relax so he could talk to her. But he didn't think he had the answers she needed.

"What Dru did? Thought that was a bloody myth. Somethin' to comfort abandoned fledges in the middle of the day." He sighed feeling the slight weight of his Sire's head against his back. "Doesn't tell me why you did it though."

The laugh that sounded from behind him was slipping the last of his control away. He wasn't known for his patience or for thinking through his actions and for good reason. And right now he was at the end of his bloody rope.

"My poor Spike. I would have thought the answer would be obvious by now. Maybe Miss Edith was right. I should have told you a long time ago."

The presence behind him moved and he watched as she began to twirl slowly through the room, her hands swaying above her head.

"Um right. Dru could you maybe kind of spell it out for us it’s been a really long day and I don't think I can puzzle out what you're trying to tell us." She moved a hand to begin rubbing her temples knowing the slight discomfort she felt was going to be a full blown headache before long.

The spinning woman stopped suddenly and gave a glare to Buffy.

"Just like my Spike you are. Rash and impatient. You mustn't speak to Mummy so it makes her very cross." She spun around once more.

"Spike answers now would be of the good." She turned helpless eyes towards the blond who was still holding on to her. Normally it would bother her to have him so close but now well after the last few days there probably wasn't much the souled vamp could do to upset her. Within reason of course.

And truth be told she had always found something comforting about being held by him. Maybe it was his size relative to hers, the way they fit together instead of him smothering her with a much larger form or maybe it was because she knew instinctively that he wouldn't hurt her and he needed the comfort just as much as she did. It was probably the latter.

A deep sigh escaped him. Like he knew how to make sense of all this. He didn't have any more idea of what was really going on here then she did. And yet looking into her tired green eyes he couldn't help the fact that he wanted to be able to answer her.

"It's like this pet. By leaving you out for the sun your Sire basically abandoned you yeah? So Dru here well somehow she managed to find a ritual that was supposed to be a myth that let her become your new Sire."

"And you're saying what that now I'm part of your bloodline?"

"That's exactly what I'm saying. She brought you into our family. I just don't understand why."

"Don't you hear the whispers? The stars told me about the sun being blocked by the moon. But underneath the sun is still shining." She stepped in front of the seated couple her eyes raking over the both of them. "Don't you feel it humming under your skin pulling on you?" She trailed a finger down his cheek. "Or has spending so much time with humans made you weak?"

"Dru you're really starting to piss me off luv. What the hell are you talking about?"

"Power of course. It hums all around our little dolly. Can almost reach out and touch it." Her hand snaked out and grasped the air close to Buffy. "Been to long since anyone took care of our family. Daddy and his nasty soul couldn't do it. And now you have yours too. Great granddaddy would be soo disappointed."

He felt the frown that furrowed his brow as he thought over her words. Yeah he could feel the power radiating from the blonde holding him but he always had. The feeling of her Slayerness had always rolled over him in waves when they were in close proximity to each other. Now was no different he could still feel that same vibe coming off of her. Closing his eyes he concentrated on her and now he could sense it almost as a deep undercurrent of the power he had always sensed in her. A deeper darker thread that pulled towards him. It was the pull of family.

Oh things were starting to make sense and it was rather frightening. He didn't react visibly but deep in his nonbeating heart he could feel the cold dawning of understanding.

"Buffy."

At the quiet and serious tone he used she gave a small start. He still rarely said her name. Blinking she looked deep into his blue eyes and wondered just how bad things were when he said her name like that.

"I think I understand what Dru's trying to say."

She took a deep breath. She had a feeling that things were going to get a lot more complicated.

"And?"

"I'm not sure. What I think and what Dru actually means?" He shrugged at her. "As far as I can figure she's talkin' about the hole left in the social structure of our order." Her blank look made him want to shake her. Didn't she pay any attention to what her Watcher had tried to teach her about vampires? "Look you killed the Master right pet?"

She gave him a nod not letting what she was feeling show in her eyes. Right now she was hoping to a God she didn't have that what she thought he was going to say wasn't what he was going to say.

"Well top spot in the Aureilian line hasn't been filled since Angelus got dusted during the whole Acaltha thing. He had taken over as master after his little happy. Next in line would be Dru here but her insanity makes it kind of difficult for anyone to follow her willingly. Only gonna get so much loyalty out of a bunch of evil doers. Now because Angel and I both have our souls-"

"The title would have to fall to the next available childe." She looked over at Dru as she slowly circled around and around. "And since you're the only childe Dru ever sired and you never sired one yourself that would now be me."

He blinked at her the surprise in his eyes not hidden.

"What? I paid attention and believe me when you first came to Sunnydale we studied everything we could in the watcher diaries. Mostly they were kind of crappy but they had the fact that you too weren't to willing to let any one else join your family."

"Not true pet. Well mostly. The fact is Angelus wouldn't let Dru turn anyone else after me said I turned wrong. And after he left I had my hands full takin' care of her. Didn't have time to take on a childe on top of everything else." He shook his head. "But yeah there wouldn't have been anyone else. There are a couple of Angelus' still out there but I don't know what happened to them. Penn was a sadistic bastard but I don't see him embracing the role and there was one more during ww2 that Angel did. Don't think he turned out right either."

"All of Daddy's children have been crossed out." Dru stated as she finally collapsed onto the couch. "Now only the Sunshine is left." She gave a slight huff.

"Let me get this straight. You want me to be the new master of the Aureilian line? But I'm barely even a fledge." She started to get up and back away from the two vamps in front of her. Oh how she longed to run straight into denial. Hell just to run away from this situation period. But no she was kind of between a rock and a hard place. It wasn't like she had anywhere to go. Not to mention the fact that now she indeed did have a Sire worthy of her. The insanity was a little hard to get over but mostly her demon was as pleased as punch to belong. There was nothing that was as bad as the sting of rejection.

Spike stood following her movements seeing the look in her eyes. The one that always told him that she was ready to flee tail tucked between her legs because she was at a point where she couldn't deal. And even though he was willing to join her in that idea he had to know what else was going on.

But even before he could cross the floor to her Dru was speaking.

"But you're not you see too many bright effulgent things planned for you." Dru stood once again slipping up behind of Spike. "The pixies whispered of where the Slayer got her strength. And now you have to have your own party. With lots of cake and balloons."

The headache that had been threatening started to really pound in her temples. It was a neat trick considering her lack of circulation.

"Actually pet that might not be true."

"What is that supposed to mean exactly?"

"Means if the original source of the Slayer's power was from a demon and that demon happened to be a vampire, well you've been controlling your demon for years now. Would explain your control over your bloodlust and your insight into your demon."

"Oh come on Spike. Say that was true that the original Slayer was fused with a vampire demon. I didn't have the original one just like the spirit of it. Not the same thing. And it would still make me newly turned."

"Don't you see pet that isn't what's happened. You are more in control then any fledge and Dru's right the power rolling off of you isn't like it was. It's older and darker. Like the demon in you is older then any vamp I've ever crossed. And trust me I've met a few."

"But it doesn't make any sense Spike! None of it does! What the hell am I supposed to do? What kind of sick twisted game are the Powers playing with me!" She began to pace her footsteps heavy in her agitation. "Sure if I became master of the line there'd be like power and sure it might be fun to begin ruling the Hellmouth but what am I supposed to do after that? How is this all going to work with the First still out there breathing down our necks? I mean what would be the point if the apocalypse is just going to happen any way?"

She stopped and looked hard at Dru.

"Look Sire I don't understand any of this. Please just tell me what I'm supposed to do here."

"Sunshine will need to use the power. Gonna need a lot of invitations to accommodate all of the guests."

"Dru." The warning tone in Spike's voice got him a disgruntled look from their Sire.

"Others will want to join you want the wicked one to go back to being in his deep hole. You-" Her finger lifted and pointed at Buffy. "are the guest of honor. Without you there wouldn't be a party. No cake for them."

She took a deep breath. Funny how she still wanted to do that when there was no reason too.

"Dru do you mean I should use the position of being Master to make my own army against the First?"

The dark vampiress giggled and clapped her hands in delight.

"Mmm and there will be lots of streamers and balloons." A frown marred her face. "But you won't want to see everything covered in red. No blood for Mummy."

"But-"

"Luv, I know it sounds crazy but that actually kind of makes sense."

Buffy just looked at him like he had grown a second head. Which on the Hellmouth was entirely possible.

"What you saw in your vision with all the uber vamps. The others weren't going to be able to stop them and you knew it."

"Gee you think? Could have been the reason I refused to leave my room for a couple of days. But I don't see how this is going to help."

"As Master you can summon everyone connected to our line and with a little muscle you could get the demons in the area to chip in. You'd have an unlimited resource instead of the thirty teenagers training in your backyard."

She just gaped at him. It was such a ridiculous notion that she was beyond the ability to even think it could make any sense.

"Um yeah that would be one possibility the other would be they all want the hellmouth to open and we're giving them the easy access pass they need to do it. Besides unleashing an army of demons on an unsuspecting town doesn't seem like something you should be in the cheering section for any more."

He just gave her a derisive snort.

"Unsuspecting town my ass. The only people left in this ghost town are living in your old house. All we need to do is get the wankers to leave town."

"Not everyone my Spike. Some of them still need to play with us."

The cryptic words settled into Buffy's consciousness and she had to fight the flutter of fear that she felt.

"Who exactly are we talking about Dru?"

A small frown seemed to appear on her pretty face.

"The true Slayer of course and the Witch others will come too in time."

"Great. Look as much fun as this has been I'm getting a little hungry and I'm extremely tired can we continue this later?" She had let her eyes slipped closed and she could feel the tug of sleep in the simple action. God did she need the rest.

Her acute hearing picked up the sound of a zipper being pulled and she opened her eyes at the feel of the cold plastic that was put into her hand. Looking up she smiled slightly at the shy face of her vampire.

"Didn't know how long I'd be gone. Should be enough to tide you over till tomorrow."

"Thanks look I know vampire and all I should be up till dawn but really sleep is something good right now."

"Actually pet I could use the rest myself. Bleedin' Andrew wouldn't stop talkin' the whole time. Been runnin' on fumes."

Now that he had something she could see the tiredness in his eyes and she nodded.

Both turned their eyes to Dru who just giggled in response.

"Mummy is not the least bit tired."

"Dru-" Spike started while taking a step closer to her.

"Don't worry my Spike I won't be bad. I remember that we need the players from the Slayers house."

Both of them watched her as she slipped through the doors to the atrium.

The mansion was just as Angel had left it when he had walked away to Los Angeles three years ago.

Unfortunately that also meant that everything was coated in a thick layer of dust.

For once Buffy didn't care though. She was so drained that she could have slept on the old sarcophagus in Spike's crypt without complaint and that thing was damn uncomfortable. She slowly made her way down the hall listening to the quiet footfall of Spike's boots behind her. Turning she walked into the bedroom and placed the blood bag she was clutching on the night stand. Stepping closer to the bed she yanked at the comforter. Pulling it completely off she also tossed aside the pillows.

Ah now everything was dust free.

Not even bothering to kick off her shoes she flopped down onto the bed closing her eyes. She couldn't help the deep sigh of contentment that escaped her at the soft touch of the mattress.

There was only one tinsy little problem with her falling asleep right at the moment.

She could feel Spike's eyes staring at her from the doorway.

"Spike come here." The words were muffled by the mattress underneath her.

He made no attempt to move and she cracked an eye open to look at him.

His eyes never left the form on the bed. Right now it was the only thing that was keeping him sane, the sight of her. He couldn't remember the last time he felt this tired maybe after being tortured by Glory or perhaps the deep relief after she had rescued him from the First. He didn't know. But the fact was he was beyond tired.

Yet he couldn't move away. Couldn't tear his eyes away from her body. As if concentrating only on her would help him stay in touch with reality.

He had heard her summons but still he was transfixed by the sight of his Slayer lying perfectly still. Not even the movement of breath through her body.

She looked patiently at the look on his face. The one that told her he was barely hanging on just as she was. If she wasn't so tired it was quite possible that she would be crouched in a corner pulling at her hair and screaming at the top of her lungs. He didn't look too much better off from that.

In the last few months it was easy to acknowledge the fact that he was someone she could trust and that she could lean on. And she hoped that she had shown him the same in return. Despite all the badness that had happened between them the prior year she was sure that they had built a very sturdy friendship that was changing into something else. What she wasn't certain. But she knew that she genuinely cared for him and about him.

Being a vampire changed none of that. Looking at the confusion and pain and all the other emotions on his face all she wanted to do was comfort him. Just as much as she wanted to be comforted by him. Which is why she was looking at him so carefully now.

Sitting up she swung her feet off the bed towards him.

"Spike." The sound of her voice was gentle and cajoling.

This time he was able to look up and into her eyes. The affection in the startling green warmed him but underneath he could see the same play of emotions that were flooding through his own system.

When his eyes contacted with hers she let a small smile onto her lips.

"Come here and sit down Spike." She patted the bed next to her. "I don't bite you know."

She paused for a second and then laughed.

"God that so isn't true anymore is it?"

This time he managed a weary smile at her and walked towards the bed. When he sat down she kicked off her shoes. Suitably undressed for exhausted slumber she gently took his hand in hers and gave it a faint squeeze.

"Been quite a day hasn't it?" She murmured to him.

"Think that's putting it lightly luv." He murmured back to her.

"Would you mind-?" She stopped mid sentence trying to find the words.

"Mind what pet?" He was too tired to think let alone suss out what she wanted to say. That usually took his total concentration. It was much better to ask now that they were talking so openly.

"I kind of don't want to be alone. Would you mind staying here with me? Just sleeping here?"

The relief he felt at her simple question filled with her insecurity and uncertainty had him squeezing her hand in reassurance.

"You know I'd do just about anything for you Buffy don't you?"

This time she didn't hesitate to look into his eyes and admit what he felt.

"Yeah I do." She put her arms around him and hugged him gently. "Come on lets get some sleep." She said as she moved away.

Moving to the far side of the bed she stretched out and watched him remove his own shoes. As each of them thumped to the floor she turned her thoughts inward again.

Right now she wasn't sure if she could deal with what was happening. Wasn't sure if anyone could but she was sure that if she had any chance whatsoever that she needed this man by her side. He was the only thing she felt sure of right in this moment. She was also sure that he was the only person she could depend on which meant he was the only one who would be able to take care of the others for her. Meaning he couldn't stay. Both thoughts chased themselves around in her head and she couldn't help but wish she was selfish enough not to care what happened to the rest of the world. But what would be the point in that. If the world ceased to exist so would they.

"Spike?"

He stopped where he had moved to the opposite side of the bed and looked down at her.

"Yeah luv?" He asked her as he laid down beside her not quite touching her body but close enough that it felt like there was no distance between them. He turned to his side his head propped up by his hand so he could look at her.

Buffy turned towards him watching as his blue eyes searched hers. In this little moment that they were in despite the fear and gut wrenching uncertainty about her future she could admit that she had never felt closer to another person than she did with him.

She reached out and took his hand in hers holding it between them.

"Spike I-" She stopped not really able to find words for what she wanted to express to him.

He squeezed her hand hoping with the reassurance that she would be able to tell him what he was seeing in her eyes. Emotions he was sure he would never receive from the woman before him. Maybe never would. But they were there in her beautiful eyes.

The touch of his hand against hers made her draw a shaky breath. Never in all the time they had known one another had his touch ever left her unaffected. Now was no different.

She wanted so much to tell him what she was feeling. The only problem was she wasn't sure exactly what that was. Everything was so jumbled together until she was just a mass of nerves. How do you tell someone something you can't define yourself?

Down deep where she was sure her soul used to reside she felt the tug that always pulled on her heart where this man in front of her was concerned. It had been like this for longer than forever. Her feelings the ones she had always fought the ones she had denied the both of them had only been made clear in the last few months. Yet now that she understood them the situation again had changed.

If ever there were a couple of people that fate was determined to keep apart it would have to be her and Spike.

"I just want to thank you for staying with me tonight. I can't-" She choked back the bit of emotion she could feel welling up in her throat. "I can't tell you how much it means to me." This time she took her hand from his and placed it against his chest where his unbeating heart lay. The one he used to love her so well.

"Tomorrow I want you to go back to the house and get the others out of here." She met his blue eyes with a determination that she wasn't sure she felt. "Make sure they leave town. Shit make sure they leave the state. There isn't anything left here for any of them."

"You want me to leave?" No matter what he tried he couldn't hide the hurt in his voice. He didn't want to leave her side. And to tell the truth he was a little intrigued by the interaction he saw between his sire and Buffy. It made him long for the touch of family that he'd been denied for the last four years.

"It has nothing to do with what I want." She whispered to him knowing that it was true. What she wanted was to stay next to him and let the feeling of security she felt at his side take over her body. Let it soothe all the hurt and confusion she'd been feeling this whole year. Not just what she had experienced at her turning.

He placed his hand over hers pushing it harder against his dead heart. Funny how something so dead had so much feeling.

"But?" He questioned softly.

"But I need for them to leave if we have a chance of doing this. I can't be spending any time worrying about Dawn. And I need for you to explain things to Will and Faith if we're going to get them to agree to this. I can't do it. They wouldn't believe me anyway."

"And afterwards?"

"I can't ask you to stay Spike."

He opened his mouth to protest and she quickly placed her fingers against his lips.

"I know that you wouldn't hesitate to be here fighting along side me. I know that now. Please believe me that I'm so sorry that I ever did doubt you. But you can't be here for this."

His eyes told her that he didn't understand and she wasn't sure if she did either.

"Spike I can't-" She shook her head. "No I won't let my needs do anything to hurt you again. I don't want to be selfish and ask you to stay. Not when this fight will likely lead to all kinds of badness that would not work well with that wonderful soul you sought and fought for."

He moved her hand from his mouth.

"Kind of my decision isn't it pet?" The corner of his mouth twitched in his familiar smirk. "I promise that I'll get the Bit out of harms way but after. Well after I'll be right next to you scrapin' like always. Nothin' you can say will change any of that. The only thing that I've ever known for sure in the hundred extra years I've walked this miserable rock was you."

"Was me Spike." She could feel the tears welling up in her eyes. How could being undead cause her to want to shed so many tears?

If she ever got around to it she was going to find the remaining members of the Watchers council and prove to them that to feel you didn't need a soul. It was quite the opposite in fact. Now she felt even more in touch with her emotions and she hated the thought that all this time she had wasted denying the feelings of the man in front of her was time she was never going to get back.

"I'm not that Buffy. Please don't put me up on a pedestal. Please don't ask me to live up to that. Not now." She was practically begging she knew but she was helpless to stop it.

He rolled towards her forcing her to respond by rolling onto her back. His face hovered over hers a look she couldn't describe on his face. It was so intense and earnest that she felt herself holding her nonexistant breath.

"Never love. I fell in love with you imperfections and all. I know you Buffy. Wouldn't want anything less than who you are. I'll always love you human vampire doesn't matter pet. All of the rest is just window dressing."

She felt a tear escape the corner of her eye and roll towards her ear as she stared into his eyes. Was there really a color to describe the incredible blueness of those orbs?

"I'm so afraid that I'll hurt you." The words barely passed from her lips on a flimsy breath.

"I'm not." He whispered to her. And as soft as his voice was as it left him the words were filled with the conviction of his belief.

"How can you be so sure?" She never even attempted to raise the level of her voice knowing that his vampire hearing would pick up the words.

"I told you I know you Buffy."

Another tear left her and she was helpless to stop it.

This time he placed his hand over her stilled breast.

"No matter what you are still the Buffy Summers I fell in love with kickin' and screamin'. Soul or not for either of us love, that isn't ever gonna change." He watched as the tears fell more rapidly now. "Only place I've ever belonged is by your side."

"Spike." She said his name and felt as though it was a prayer. For what she wasn't certain. Maybe his salvation or maybe her own.

Walls that she kept surrounding her heart were falling around it like dominoes. Unused to such emotion she felt as if she was being swept away in a fast current without anything to cling to to keep from drowning.

For as long as she was the Slayer she'd learned to hide her feelings. Expressing them had always been followed by levels of badness no one even wrote about in horror novels. So inside she kept her fear and pain hiding what she perceived to be weakness by even those she was closest too. Because they expected her to be strong. Even when sometimes she was anything but.

Now here in front of Spike the person she had had the most to fear by showing him her inner turmoil she knew that he wouldn't censure her for it. He would understand. And for the first time she exposed all of it.

Sobbing in pain and relief she grabbed his shoulders and tugged him to her. She buried her head in his neck and cried.

"Please Spike help me." The plea was lost in her tears but as he gathered her close she couldn't help but think he heard.

He pulled the sobbing girl into his arms holding her tight against him her head still hidden in his neck. As the sobs racked her small frame he just held her tighter.

"Oh sweetheart." He breathed the words into her hair. Spike wanted more than anything to lend her words of comfort and strength but was wary of saying anything that would ring hollow. Instead he held onto her like she was his life line and found comfort in the way she clung to him in return.

The grasp they held each other with was so tight it would have crushed a human but neither of them cared about that. Instead she poured all her grief and pain into her tears while he grounded her and murmured comforting sounds into her hair. For once they were finding comfort in each other.

Spike was unsure of how much time passed as he held onto his Slayer but eventually her sobs quieted to occasional sniffles. Pulling back slightly he took the time to look in her eyes.

He saw the openness and vulnerability in her eyes that was usually so hidden. His heart ached for his golden girl and yet there wasn't anything he could either do or say to make any of this better for her. That knowledge ate him up inside. Instead he did the only thing he could do.

Gently he kissed each of her eyelids and then brushed his lips against her forehead. Softly he laid small fluttering kisses across her face still holding her close to him.

A few moments more and she seemed to calm completely. Letting out a deep sigh he met her gaze again.

"Tomorrow I'll go to the house and tell the lot of them to clear out. And I'll talk to Faith and Red see if I can convince them to meet with you." He lifted a hand and let it linger on her cheek. "But for now rest luv. I'll be here."

She couldn't stay awake right now if her life depended on it. The heaviness of her eyes couldn't be denied and they began to drift closed so worn out by the emotional turmoil of the last two days. But before she let sleep take her she whispered once more to him.

"Always want you here."

As she fell into slumber he let his own tears fall at her words. It hurt. It hurt beyond all measure to hear the words finally tumble from her lips knowing that their time together was now tainted by what was to come.

They had been so close. Close to realizing the feelings between them on their own. When they would have been free to make the choices for themselves. He wasn't so deluded as to think that it was a foregone conclusion that they would have ended up together like in some fairytale romance. But the opportunity was becoming more and more present.

Now though he was unsure of everything all over again. There were so many questions now that she was a vampire. Not that he would stop loving her. Not that he would judge her for not having a soul. But everything she had known and expected out of life was now different. How was he supposed to fit in.

His silent tears fell one by one into the pillow underneath him. They fell for what they had lost and for what she was going through. For what she would have to face in the future and what she would never get to experience again.

Finally though the exhaustion he was fighting overtook him and he too fell into an uneasy slumber.