Prologue


The smell was overpowering and only made worse by the heat of the day. It came over them in a great wave as the four officers made their way into the basement of the old building. Urine, feces and blood mixed together was a smell that could bring the strongest veteran cop to his knees. Sgt. Harrison gagged and turned back but the other three continued down the stairs. Somewhere ahead was who they were looking for.

The girl they had nicknamed Sunshine.

The detectives working the case had taken the petite teenager with the big smile and long blonde hair into their hearts. Buffy Anne Summers was special, a Junior Varsity cheerleader, homecoming queen, and a community volunteer. She was the one that all the girls wanted to be like and the one all the boys wanted to have on their arm. They never found anyone that had anything bad to say about her. The upper class neighborhood where she lived had mobilized in full force to help find her. Her smiling picture was posted everywhere and flashed on the nightly news. A picture proclaiming her innocent happiness and from that bright smile came her nickname.

It also kept them from caring too much. The cops knew. They had seen too many cases. If she was found alive then she’d most likely never be the same girl again. But they still wanted to find her, to still have hope, that maybe they’d be wrong. The tip had come in that morning. A break that had them scurrying. Someone had heard screaming in this building the night before. They were here to check it out.

Officer Nagle, still a first year rookie, was determined to see this through. He considered himself lucky to have been on duty when the detectives had called for back up. If he could keep his head, help solve the case of the missing girl then he might be taken seriously on the force. The hated nickname of Officer Idol, for his shocking platinum hair, might be dropped.

“Nagle, take that way,” Detective Jim Thorson, pointed toward the right. “Bob, go straight ahead and I’m going to go around toward the left.

One order and the course of Spike’s life was altered forever.

He simply nodded his head, turned his flashlight on and headed right. There were boxes scattered everywhere, some of them still in stacks, probably just like they had been years ago. The building had been empty for almost a decade, condemned because the landlord couldn’t handle taking care of necessary repairs. Now, it stood as a testament of a different time when the neighborhood was safe. It wasn’t anymore though. Not even the police liked to patrol it. Too many shootings, too many drugs and not enough regard for human life.

Spike kicked a box that was in his path. There was a small noise like an intake of breath. His head flew up as he flashed the light around the space that was in front of him. He listened to the footsteps of the other three officers, the scuttling of rats as they were forced from their sleeping grounds and the breathing. It was coming in small gasps somewhere in front of him. He remained silent and moved forward. There in the corner was a pile of furniture, desks, couches, chairs and a small entrance way against the wall. The breathing was coming from behind there.

His stomach clenched in fear. Bile rose in his throat as the stench from whatever…or whoever was behind there got stronger. He automatically reached for his gun, did a quick sweep, turned and pressed his back against the wall. Nothing, no one around in this corner of hell except him and whatever was behind the barrier. Spike said a quick prayer, slid along the wall until all he had to do was turn his head. He did and wished he hadn’t. His eyes closed from the sight but his body continued to move until he was inside with her.

The missing girl, he had found her.

“Hey,” Spike said, so softly that it barely broke through the silence. It was hardly louder than her breathing. “My name is Officer Nagle. I’m a cop. You’re safe now.”

She didn’t hear. Buffy was lost somewhere else. Her bone thin arms were wrapped around her legs while she rocked back and forth on the filthy mattress. Her once soft, blonde hair hung in matted tangles around her otherwise nude body. Chains held her captive in some sick bastard’s idea of prison. She had been barricaded behind the furniture in a corner where it would be easy to overlook her. Trapped where there was barely any light and no sun for weeks if she had been here since her kidnapping.

Spike flashed the light around to make sure everything was safe before he approached her. The sight only made his stomach threaten to empty. Between the mattress and the wall was a bucket for her personal use. Empty fast food bags littered the floor but they had been torn apart by the rats. And a few hadn’t made it. Their soft gray bodies lay scattered across the floor.

Taking a few more steps, Spike crouched next to the mattress and took his first good look at her. His mind chronicled her injuries for his reports and testimonies. There were bruises littering her body, random, varying in colors and intensity. Blood was caked on her legs, back and hips. His eyes traveled down her legs, taking in the bites from what must have been the rats that were now dead. The tale was as he had known it would be; sexual assault, numerous beatings to keep her in line and a desperate attempt on her part to stay alive. He glanced back up at her face. She still hadn’t acknowledged him. Buffy was still rocking, still breathing, her eyes still closed.

“Hey, Nagle, you find anything man?” Thorson called out.

“Yeah, get the paramedics,” Spike answered. “She’s here.”

The sound of the radio beeping broke through the silence more than words ever could. Buffy jumped as the first one jarred her. She rocked faster, her fingers tightening on her legs, as if she thought it could keep him away from her.

“They’re on their way,” Thorson said, stepping into the small space. “Jesus Christ, what the fuck did…”

“Get a blanket,” Spike ordered, leaning protectively in front of the girl. She’s only fourteen, only fourteen, a little girl still, kept repeating in his mind. He didn’t want anyone else to see her small, broken body. She was so fragile looking, so frightened in spite of the fact that she seemed to be mentally existing somewhere else.

“Here,” and a blanket sailed through the air, landing on Spike’s back. He called out a thanks and fell to his knees to wrap it around her.

“It’s all over, pet. The ambulance is coming to get you,” he cooed to her. Using the same voice he did when he rocked his cousin, Angel’s baby. It was then that he saw the chains again. Damn it. He finished tucking the blanket around her then picked up his flashlight. He swung the beam over the walls and the furniture, hoping that somehow the key was there. It would be easier on her than taking a hack saw to them. He spotted them and for the first time since he had found her, an intense anger filled him.

They were hanging just out of Buffy’s reach and the scratches on the wall showed how hard she had tried to get to them. God help her kidnapper if he found him first and he was alone. Spike didn’t think he’d have any qualms about breaking the bastard’s neck. The hell with justice. There shouldn’t be justice for anyone who could do this to a child.

Her eyes opened, wide in the frightened face as she looked at him then to where he was reaching. They followed him as he took the keys. Knowing that one wrong move might send her further into her hell, Spike moved slower as he turned to sit in front of her on the mattress.

“I’m going to undo them now,” Spike said, soft and easy. “I’m going to let you go. Bet those things hurt, don’t they?” He took her hand in his, saw the rips on her skin where she had stretched to reach the keys or tried to pull her hand off in order to free herself. She was still watching him. No tears though, no words, no movement, she just let him undo the chains. Spike dropped them off the side of the bed. “Is that better, lamb? The paramedics are coming now. They’re going to take you to the hospital.”

Buffy glanced toward the entry then back to him. There were more voices, more noise as they brought a stretcher into the basement. Suddenly two men appeared, brisk and business like, carrying their medical equipment. It was too much for her and Spike reached for her as the first scream erupted from her lips. She burrowed against him. Her hands hanging desperately onto his shirt as he rocked her.

“You’re safe, it’s going to be okay,” Spike said. “They just want to check you out before they take you to the hospital. I bet your mom and dad will be waiting for you. Don’t you want to see them?”

Buffy wouldn’t let go of him and eventually the paramedics did a preliminary exam on her with Spike still holding her. They decided that he would ride with them to the hospital in an effort to keep her calm. She never said a word as he wrapped the blanket securely around her and scooped her up in his arms. Her face was buried against his neck as he walked by the other officers who were watching with saddened eyes. On the ride to the hospital, she sat in his lap, never letting go of him.

He had been right. Her parents were waiting by the door for the ambulance. In a surreal desire not to let go of his responsibility, Spike hugged her tighter to him as he stepped from the vehicle. She had given him her trust and a part of him wanted to stay with her forever but her mother’s arms were waiting. Buffy accepted the stretcher as her parent’s fussed over her. He watched as they rolled her away. Her eyes never left his until they turned a corner and she was gone from view.

A sense of loss filled him as he turned to walk away. It was over. She was safe. His job was done. He stood in the afternoon sun reliving the last hour in his mind as he waited for his partner to pick him up. The horror of it reached through his soul and he barely reached a trash can before he lost his lunch.



to be continued…

Chapter 1


Four years later…


Buffy eased her way into the police station. She didn’t really want to be noticed. She didn’t even want to be here but she had to be. If she was ever going to have a life outside of her parent’s house then she had to face the past. A past that she had been shielded from by everyone she knew. Neither the doctors nor her parents had given her the truth when she had asked. They just wanted her to forget so they could.

And she could never forget what was done to her even if she couldn’t remember all the details. It was some of those missing details that had brought her here.

Methodically she approached the front desk, waiting ramrod straight until the desk officer eventually turned to her.

“I’m looking for Officer William Nagle,” Buffy said. It was one of the things she did know. Her parents considered the policeman who had found her to be a hero and there was awe in their voices when they spoke of him.

“Detective Nagle?” the pretty desk officer actually giggled. “He’s probably up in the detective squad room. Fourth floor. Elevators to your right.” The woman pointed to Buffy’s right as if she couldn’t figure that out.

Buffy nodded and headed for the elevators. She was curious as to why the woman had giggled. Was it at her because she didn’t know he was a detective now? Feeling foolish for her mistake, Buffy stared intently at the ground and pulled her jacket tighter around her. Someone jostled her and she had to fight the fear that rose up to choke her. Maybe if she closed her eyes, she would be fourteen and on her way home from school…

“You coming, Miss?” A uniformed police officer was holding the elevator doors open for her.

“I’m sorry,” Buffy said, rushing forward to join the others in the small car.

“It’s all right,” the man said, pushing buttons. He looked up at her expectantly.

“Fourth please,” Buffy answered, feeling like an idiot. Every cop in Los Angeles was going to think she was a complete basket case before she ever found Officer…no, Detective Nagle. She wondered if he looked the same or if her imagination had played tricks on her over the years.

The doctors had words for her feelings for the young cop who had found her and comforted her. She didn’t pay them any mind and eventually she stopped trying to tell them anything about it. Her drawings of William were kept hidden away while she pretended that she didn’t think of him everyday. She sighed as she watched the floors light up as they progressed upwards into the building. He had probably forgotten who she was. Why would he remember her after four years and probably hundreds of other cases? She was just the bad girl who had gotten caught.

The doors slid open and she stepped out into a controlled chaos of activity. People were darting everywhere, phones were ringing, and it seemed everyone was talking at once. Someone nudged Buffy because she wasn’t moving; once again she apologized as she stepped out of the way. Her eyes scanned the large room but didn’t see him. She took a few steps forward to try again.

“Who you looking for, honey?” A young man at a desk near the front yelled to her. He was holding the phone away from his ear obviously putting someone on hold to help her out.

Buffy swallowed and forced her mouth to work. This much activity was making her nervous. “Nagle, Offic…Detective Nagle is he around here?” She finally managed to squeak out.

“In the back on the right,” the man said, turning back to his phone call and dismissing her.

Somewhere back there, behind all these people was the man she was looking for. It was getting there that terrified her. She wasn’t used to being in public anymore. Three years in Sunnydale Mental Facility and the year after that she had been housebound by her parents who were afraid she would disappear again. It had taken careful planning and a deep commitment to find out the truth to make Buffy leave home that morning. Terror was dogging her every step but she had to know.

Buffy forced her feet to move in the direction indicated. Her shaking hands were wiped along the hips of her jeans as she walked. She kept her eyes low trying not to make eye contact with anyone. She passed each desk looking for him. Each time she was disappointed until she reached the end of the row. There he was. No longer was he platinum blonde but now had soft dark curls and a goatee that made her stomach turn upside down.

“Can I help you, miss?” Spike asked, not really looking up from his computer that he was busy typing on.

Four years and she was finally with him. Four years of nightmares and half truths to finally be on the precipice of finding out what had really happened. It was too much for her. She patted her pockets for the tiny pink pills that always made her calm down. They weren’t there. Frantically she shoved her hands in to search before she remembered she had left them in her bag at the hotel. She had decided she didn’t want her reality to be altered in any way. The only way to get through this was to face it head on. At least it had sounded good when she was safe. Tears started pouring down her cheeks as it became harder to breath. Everyone was staring as she shook uncontrollably.

“Miss, are you all right?” Spike asked, jumping up. “Somebody get her some water.” He pushed her toward the chair next to his desk. She sat without being asked and at first tried to resist but then complied as he shoved her head between her knees. His hand made small circles on her back. “Concentrate on breathing, easy and deep, thatta girl. Keep on.”

“I’m sorry,” Buffy whispered when the room stopped spinning. “Maybe I’m not as ready for this as I thought.”

“Ready for what?” Spike asked, putting a cup of water in her hand and curling her fingers around it. “Drink it slow.”

“To see you again,” Buffy said, bringing the cup up to take tiny sips of the cool liquid. She looked around at all the eyes that were staring at her. “I need to go. I can’t…I can’t stay.”

Standing, she tried to put the cup on the desk but she missed and it hit the floor, the water splashing across her feet. She stared at it for a moment. The water ran along the dirty linoleum just like…blood but had it been hers or from the girl that had shared her hell for a short time? She shook her head to rid herself of the image.

“Come on,” Spike said, moving to stand in front of her. He didn’t even seem to care about the small puddle that was slowly disappearing beneath his shoes. “You’re here already. May as well talk to me.”

“You don’t remember,” Buffy mumbled, wishing there was a way for her to get out of here without having to walk past these people. They’ll lock you away again, the nasty voice in her head whispered. It was an echo of what her mother had told her. If she pursued this they would think she was crazy again. She wasn’t. She knew what she had seen even if no one believed her.

His finger came up under her chin, tilting it upwards so that he could look at her. Those cerulean eyes grew wide with shock as he recognized her. His hand dropped as he stepped back. She wondered if it was in repulsion. She was dirty, the things she had done and that had been done to her.

“Buffy?”

She nodded.

“What are you doing here?”

“I need your help.”

Spike looked hesitant, unsure for a moment of what to do with her, and then he nodded.

“Let’s go over here,” he said, standing and putting his hand on her upper back again. “It will be more private.”

Under his guidance Buffy followed him into one of the interrogation rooms. He motioned for her to take a chair while he sat across from her. The door was left wide open. Safer for him that way. No chance of being accused of improprieties by an insane woman.

Buffy put her hands on the table, interlaced them then put them flat. She wasn’t sure how to start. She wanted to stare at him. To find out if he was as kind as he seemed to be or if it was a fantasy she had created. Something drew her to him. She had wanted him to take her away four years ago because he made her feel protected.

“Talk to me, Buffy,” Spike said. “I can’t help you if you don’t let me know what’s going on.”

It was logical. All she had to do was open her mouth and tell him what she knew. Then he could pat her on the head, tell her that it hadn’t happened like everyone else and she could catch the four o’clock bus home.

“There was another girl.”

She looked up at him through her lashes. He didn’t say anything. He wiped at his face and her heart sank. He didn’t believe her just like everyone else. It had been almost a year after her abduction that she had started to speak again. And it had been even longer before she had finally spoken of the other girl that visited her in her nightmares. No one had taken her seriously though. The girl had been explained away in a lot of psychological babble. So, she had kept her mouth shut and that was when she started making plans for when she was eighteen. Her birthday had been only two weeks ago.

“There wasn’t anyone else reported missing at the time,” Spike said, gently. “There was no evidence to support that he had hurt anyone else. I’m sorry, Buffy but the case has been closed for years.”

“So, you won’t help me?”

Spike sighed and leaned back in his chair. He studied her for a moment then shook his head. It was over. Years of planning, hoping and trusting in a man to be so easily turned away.

“I need to get back to work,” Spike said. “I’m sorry.”

“Please, just hear me out,” Buffy pleaded. “Listen to what I have to say and if you still think I’m wrong, I’ll leave you alone.”

“All right,” Spike said, standing. “I do need to get back to work.” He rubbed the back of his neck. “I should be free around six. Where can I find you?”

“I’m staying at the Hilton on Evergreen.”

“Do you know where the Chinese restaurant on the corner is?”

“Yeah, the Red Dragon?”

“Be there.”

He turned and walked out of the door. Buffy had five hours to figure out how to convince him that she was right. She lifted her head and marched out of the room toward the elevators. The first step had been taken. Spike would help her. Freedom was closer than it had been this morning. Four hours more and it would be even more of a reality.

~~~~~~~

One more drag of his cigarette. Maybe that’s all he needed to still his nerves that were making his stomach turn flip-flops. Buffy Summers was probably sitting inside that restaurant waiting for him. How the hell did this happen to him? He didn’t want to deal with her. He didn’t want to have to be the one to hurt her again. Shit, he thought as he flicked his fag into the small stream of dirty rain water running along the edge of the street.

There wasn’t a choice. He wasn’t going to run out on her. He would give her at least the courtesy of him telling her he wasn’t the one instead of just not showing up. Besides if she had managed to leave home, take a bus into LA, check into a hotel and come find him, he didn’t she think she would give up that easy. All he had to do was convince her to go home again. Back where it was safe.

Before he could lose his courage Spike forced himself through the door of the Red Dragon. A sense of relief came over him when he didn’t see Buffy in the small waiting area in the front. Hopefully, she had given up and was already on her way home.

“Spike, hello,” Ling, the hostess greeted him.

This was one of his favorite places to pick up dinner on the way home. His apartment was only another block over. It was easy to place an order and have it waiting for him. No cooking, no clean up, lots of leftovers and every once in a while Ling went home with him to share his bed. He smiled at her now.

“Hi, Ling.”

“Your girlfriend waiting for you,” Ling said, turning toward the dining area. “She looked upset. I got her hot tea with honey.”

“She’s not my girlfriend.”

Ling gave him a look that clearly said she didn’t believe him and that she didn’t like that he would bring another girl there. It wasn’t that she wanted exclusive rights to him. She just thought it rude to have another of his lovers in her parent’s restaurant.

Spike was led to the very back part of the dining room where it would be more private. He wondered if that was Ling’s or Buffy’s idea but whoever’s it was, it made him nervous. He slid into the booth across from Buffy. She barely glanced up at him. One hand was in her lap and one hand was holding onto her teacup. He waited until Ling poured him a cup of tea and left them alone with menus before saying anything.

“I see you made it.”

Buffy nodded. He shrugged and picked up his menu.

“Do you know what you want?”

Ling was hovering in the doorway. The only way they were going to have any privacy was if they placed their order.

“I haven’t had Chinese food in years,” Buffy said. “It’s all confusing.”

“Anything you hate in particular?”

Buffy shook her head. He felt like shaking her for putting him through this. He lifted his hand to wave at Ling who came right over. He placed the order for both of them trying to get enough of a variety that Buffy could find something she liked.

Once they were alone, he took a sip of the tea. It didn’t do anything for him. He wished he had a beer but he knew he had to stay clearheaded.

“I talked to your mother this afternoon.”

“I’m an adult now. I don’t need permission to be here.”

“No, you don’t,” Spike said. “I needed to talk to her though. She explained a few things to me.”

For the first time since he had sat at the table, Buffy looked up at him. There was fire in the depths of her green eyes. He was fascinated because he had never seen so much animation in them before. Not like this. No pain. There was only anger flashing from them.

“I know what she told you.”

“What?”

“I have a crush on you,” Buffy said, her fingers tightening on the cup. “I’m here to see if I can make four years worth of fantasies come true. The other girl is just a figment of imagination so that I can say it didn’t happen to me but to her. My coming here is a complete denial of the truth and I want you to make everything better.”

“You don’t?”

“Are you disappointed?”

A little.

“It would be normal if you do.”

“I want to go to college,” Buffy said, as if it explained everything. She leaned back, her eyes fluttering closed as if the conversation had exhausted her.

It didn’t. It only confused him more. He looked at her. His brows knitted together as he stared at her in stupefaction.

“Can you explain that to me?”

“Here is your soup,” Ling said. Her tone was icy as she stared from one to the other. “I hope you enjoy.”

“She doesn’t like me,” Buffy said, watching the other woman walk away. She picked up her soup, dipping the spoon in to stir it around. “Is there snot in this?”

“No,” Spike said, laughing. “Those are eggs hence the name Egg Drop Soup. Do you want my wonton soup instead?”

Buffy leaned over to look at his then nodded her head. The two bowls were exchanged. Spike watched her as she tried the soup. Apparently she liked it because she started eating with gusto. Giving up on her explanation for the moment, he started to eat too. Neither one said anything until the soup was gone. Buffy refilled their tea cups from the pot that Ling had brought them.

“I want to be like everyone else my age,” Buffy said, quietly. She leaned back, pulled her jacket tighter around her, and crossed her arms around her front. She was back to being defensive. “Go to college, learn to drive, have a life…”

“Find a boyfriend?”

“Yeah, but not you,” Buffy said, apparently not caring how blunt she was. “Someone who doesn’t know what happened.”

“Oh,” Spike said. It did make sense. He wondered if she was still going to therapy. Her mother hadn’t said and he hadn’t wanted to be rude enough to ask. He still wasn’t sure that she didn’t have a crush on him. Her mother had told him of a drawing she had made of him with wings and a sword. Buffy’s avenging angel. “So, umm…”

“She told you about the drawings?”

Spike nodded. His face was flushed. He wondered how she knew what he was thinking. It was a little embarrassing to know that someone thought of him like that. He was just a guy doing a job. The worst thing was until he had seen her, his emotions hadn’t been involved. Finding her was just a way of looking better to his superiors. The emotions had come afterwards during months of nightmares and in breaking up with his girlfriend. She hadn’t understood why he suddenly didn’t want to have sex. The details, the reports he had read of what had been done to the girl across the table from him still haunted him.

“She tells everyone about the drawings when she tries to convince them of her opinion of how I feel.”

“And how do you feel?”

“I was fifteen when those drawings were made. At that time I would say, yes, I had a crush on you. I remember what a crush feels like. The way I feel now isn’t a crush.”

Ling came back, laying plates of food on the table between them. She asked them if they needed anything else and when they didn’t, she left them alone again. Spike waited while Buffy filled her plate, thankful that she was eating. Her mother said Buffy would go days without wanting to eat. He didn’t need her to faint on him.

“You didn’t tell me how you feel now,” Spike said as he helped himself to the food.

“Really stuck on this aren’t you?” Buffy asked, twirling Lo Mien around her fork.

“I guess I need to know,” Spike said. “I’m a little uncomfortable about the whole thing.”

Buffy rolled her eyes as she chewed. “I think I may be falling in love with you.”

Spike choked. He started coughing and it was Buffy this time who pressed a glass of water in his hand.

“I meant because you introduced me to Chinese food,” Buffy said, smiling. “This is heaven.”

“Don’t do that,” Spike scolded. “I could have died.”

“Then I’d have to save you and we’d be even,” Buffy said calmly. Her fork was picking up a huge pile of Fried Rice that she quickly shoved into her mouth. “Detective Nagle…”

“Oh, good god, please call me Spike.” She looked at him funny. “Nickname, long story.”

“Spike, I’m sure my mother told you but let me tell you my side,” Buffy continued. “I spent three years in a mental institution recovering, learning to deal with it.” Her voice was cold, methodical, almost detached from what she was saying. “After I was deemed salvaged and able to cope with life on the outside they released me. My parents had other ideas. I was home schooled, I kept taking the little pills that made me feel the way I was supposed to at certain times. I haven’t had any real friends. There’s a few on the Internet but no one in person. No one’s even touched me except in a medical capacity in four years. Not even my parents. Why would I want to start a relationship with someone else that I think would coddle me? I mean you’ve already called my mother because you think I’m nuts.”

“Don’t think you’re nuts,” Spike said absently. He was stuck on something that she had said a few sentences back. “I touched you, several times this afternoon.”

Her hand holding the fork dropped to the table. She swallowed and looked up at him. The sadness was back.

“You took the chains off.”

“So, it comes back to me being your hero.”

Buffy giggled. “You don’t look like a hero now. Hero’s are supposed to be golden in the light but you…” She cocked her head as she took in his new appearance.

“More like a devil?”

“Yeah, something like that. Why did you change?”

“I grew up, I guess,” Spike said. He reached for the last of the General Tao’ chicken and dumped the rest of it on his plate. “So, now that we’ve established, you don’t have a crush on me but I’m still you’re hero.” He snapped his fingers. “Oh, yeah and that very important bit about how I look more like a devil.”

“There’s still her.”

“Buffy, there wasn’t anyone else,” Spike said, sighing. “There wasn’t any evidence to support that. The mattress was ancient and had so much DNA on it that…”

“It was there when he brought me there,” Buffy said, tearing up. She crossed her arms again and looked off to the side. “There was rat poop on it. It got on my leg. It was all I was worried about as he put the chains around me. I wanted it off. I begged him to get it off of me. After awhile it didn’t matter.”

Spike shoved his plate away.

“I know what the doctors said about my brain going haywire to protect myself,” Buffy said, looking back at him. “She was a brunette…”

“Your dark side?”

“All these years and no one believes that she was there,” Buffy said, leaning her forearms on the table. She looked him straight in the eye. “Let’s say for a moment she was there, that my brain didn’t conjure her up to protect myself. What if he took her someplace and chained her up like he did me? What if she was never found? What if she rotted away in some basement thinking that no one cared? What if…”

Spike held his hand up. The memories assaulted him in vivid recollection. The stench, the horror of the basement prison, and what had been done to Buffy, it came back to him as if it was yesterday. He stood and ran for the bathroom as his dinner made its way back up.



to be continued…

Chapter 2


In the end he had agreed to investigate whether there might have been another girl. He still wasn’t sure but Buffy had attacked his conscience with the grace of a cobra leaving him no choice. The thought that they might have missed something that had cost the life of a young girl tugged at him constantly.

It also might cost him his job. Captain Rochester, his immediate superior, had been adamant in his refusal to let Spike do it on the clock. It was a closed case and there were too many other cases that were open that needed work. Spike said he would use his vacation time and had spent thirty minutes getting his ass chewed out for being stupid.

In the end he had a week. A week to prove to Buffy there hadn’t been anyone else. A week to help her get her life back so that she could go to college and do all the things normal girls did. Was it really too much to ask?

“Hey, Spike, line four,” Harry hollered at him. “A Mrs. Summers.”

It was the last person he wanted to speak with. He was trying to finish up the last of his reports so he could start on his time off and didn’t want to deal with the Summers’ family until he had to. He hadn’t even spoken to Buffy since he had left her outside the restaurant two days ago. However, before he left her, he made Buffy call her mother to let her know what was going on. Apparently the plan of being left alone had backfired somewhere. He hit the print button before grabbing the phone.

“Nagle, here.”

“Detective Nagle?”

“Yes,” Spike said, pulling the report off the printer.

“This is Mrs. Summers. I’m sorry to bother you but I was wondering if you had spoken to Buffy today?”

“Nope, sure haven’t,” Spike said, hoping he sounded sufficiently bothered by the call that she would leave him alone. “I haven’t seen her since we called you the other night.”

“We can’t get a hold of her.”

Why was it his problem? He sighed as he slipped the report over the prongs in the file. It had become his problem the moment he had agreed to help. He knew that. He just didn’t want to deal with it yet.

“Maybe she went shopping or something.”

It was too much to hope for.

“Sir, up until she left to find you, my daughter hasn’t been anywhere alone in four years,” Mrs. Summers said, icily. “Why would she suddenly go gaily off to a mall filled with people that would send her into a panic attack? She can’t stand to be touched, new things frighten her and she’s off her meds.”

Fuck.

“What’s her room number again?” Spike asked. Buffy had given it to him on a little piece of paper that he had immediately slipped into his wallet. He didn’t want to have to take the time to search for it and figured this was quicker.

“Eighteen ten.”

“I’ll give you a call back as soon as I’ve found her.”

“Thank you.”

The line disconnected and he stared at the phone for a second. It seemed he was now responsible for an eighteen-year-old former kidnapping and rape victim whether he wanted to be or not. His stomach clenched again and he slammed the receiver down. He hated this weakness when it came to Buffy. Most of the time even the worst cases didn’t bother him and he could handle any kind of gore there was. But somehow every time he got around Buffy his stomach rebelled against him.

He grabbed his jacket, yelled a vague message that he’d be back in an hour to his captain and high tailed it out of there. The Hilton wasn’t that far but he took his car anyway. She might not be there and he would only have to backtrack to get it. Thankfully, traffic was on his side and he was able to reach there in only a few minutes. He got a few looks as he practically ran across the lobby.

The closer he got the more worried he became. He should have known better than to leave her to her own devices. Ignoring her hadn’t helped. The car of the elevator opened on the eighteenth floor and he took off at a run toward her room. There was no answer to his knock. No answer to his pounding. A ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign was hanging on the knob.

“Buffy, if you’re in there open up.”

“Sir, she hasn’t let us in there, yesterday or today.”

Spike turned toward the maid that had come out of the room next door.

“Have you seen her?”

“No sir,” the maid said shaking her head. “Not since day before yesterday.”

“Can you let me in?” Spike asked, displaying his badge. “I just got a call from her mother and they haven’t heard from her either.”

“I’ll call the manager,” the maid said scurrying off.

Spike waited impatiently, pacing the hall until the manager came toward him. He quickly explained the situation and said the girl’s life might be in danger. The manager opened the door, shaking his head, as Spike pushed him aside to go inside. The place was neat. The bedclothes weren’t disturbed. All the lights were off. The television wasn’t on.

“Do I need to call the police?” The manager asked.

“I am the police,” Spike said impatiently. “I’ll handle it from here.”

Thankfully, the manager took off, closing the door behind him. Spike shook his head. Some people just didn’t like to be involved. He sighed there was only one other place for Buffy to be if she was in here.

“Buffy, I’m coming in, okay?”

Spike pushed the bathroom door open. The lights were off so he left them off hoping she hadn’t gone completely wacko and try to kill him. He crouched down to look underneath the vanity. She wasn’t under there. He leaned back so there would be some light reaching into the bathroom and glanced in the mirror. The shower curtain was drawn and he held his breath. He could hear her. She was in the bathtub. Her breath was coming evenly and steady.

“Buffy, talk to me,” Spike said, sitting on the toilet lid. “There’s no one else in here besides me.”

“Promise?”

“Yeah, why didn’t you open the door?”

“Safe in here,” Buffy whispered.

“No, it’s not,” Spike said, speaking logically. “There’s no exit. You’re trapped.” He reached over, flicked the light on and pulled the curtain back. “Shit, don’t.” Spike yelped looking down just in time to see the steak knife she held stop half an inch from his stomach.

“Surprise,” Buffy said, pulling the knife back. “You would have been dead. Right through the heart, upward angle, one thrust.”

“And where did you learn that little piece of information?”

“Court TV.”

Buffy wrapped her arms around her legs and started rocking. Like she had been when he first saw her.

“Why are you in here?” Spike asked, his tone a little gentler. Not as sarcastic as before. The girl had surprises in her that he didn’t want to learn the hard way.

“Waiting for you,” Buffy said as if it was the most logical answer.

“Why in here?”

“I told you because it’s safer.”

Spike sighed and clasped his hands together. The urge to shake or throttle her had returned. Everything had to be dragged out of her. He needed to find some patience or maybe learn to ask the right questions.

“Why wait in here?” Spike shook his head because that would only lead to the safer issue again. “Did someone bother you? Or hurt you?”

Buffy shook her head. “The room reminded me of … the hospital and I was too afraid to leave.”

“Have you eaten?”

“No.”

“Why didn’t you call me or your parents?”

She gave him an incredulous look. “My parents would have dragged me home and you didn’t want to be bothered with me. I’m fine.”

“Bloody hell, woman,” Spike snapped. The damn girl was going to end up sending him to the psych hospital. He stood up and started grabbing her stuff off the vanity. Once he had the few supplies in his hands he marched out to the main room, and dumped them on the bed before turning to the closet. He grabbed her bag and the few clothes that were hanging neatly there.

“What are you doing?” Buffy asked. Her look was frantic as she tried to grab her clothes away from him. “You promised you’d help me.” She started crying. “I’m not going home. Please, don’t do this.”

“I’m sending you home,” Spike said, remaining calm and prying her fingers off her clothes. Buffy grabbed for them again and he blocked her with his arm. “This is insane. Stop it.” Spike turned so that she was reaching around him, trying to get her clothes away. He shoved them in the bag.

“No, I can’t,” Buffy pleaded again. This time she reached for the bag.

Tired of trying to communicate with her, Spike turned so that he was blocking her, “You are going to go home where it is nice and safe.”

“Not safe,” Buffy said. She surprised him when she turned and headed for the door.

“Where the hell are you going?” Spike shouted, grabbing her around the waist. She elbowed him in the side and he wrapped his arms over her arms and around her body. The struggle continued for a few seconds with her wiggling against him. He smirked, somehow feeling superior that she couldn’t get away, until she made this sound. It wasn’t quite a whimper, or a cry, more the moan of a dying animal. It was then that he realized who he was holding, why she had come into his life, and that urge to vomit came over him again. He released her. Horrified, he watched her fall to the floor, crawling away from the monster he suddenly was, to huddle against the door. He crouched down to try and apologize but she turned away. Her hand petting the door, like she wanted to get through it but couldn’t figure out how while her tiny body shook. “I’m sorry, Buffy, oh god, I’m sorry. I didn’t think.”

“Hurts.”

“I know, I know,” Spike said, sighing. “You can’t stay here. This isn’t safe for you, out there definitely isn’t safe, where else is there for you to go?”

There was one place. He pushed the thought away though. It wasn’t safe for him as his body remembered the feel of hers.

“I can’t,” Buffy whimpered. “Face sixty years…of nothing.”

It took him a moment to figure out what she was talking about. But somehow he was learning to speak her language. It was pretty simple. Just take out all the bullshit and voila you had Buffy speak. If she was eighteen with a life expectancy of eighty then if she didn’t resolve this question, if she didn’t find her freedom and the courage to live her life then she would spend six decades too frightened to walk out her front door.

“Please, help me,” Buffy pleaded, turning tear filled eyes to him. Her lips were trembling as she stared at him and a few tears broke free to slide down her cheeks. He gave up and sighed.

“Pack your stuff.”

“Where?”

“The most unsafe place of all,” Spike answered, “My place.”

Those eyes widened, glanced away then returned to his. He wasn’t sure but he almost could swear she had given a quick perusal to his crotch before looking up at him again. It had to be out of fear, especially in light of his previous actions.

“I promise you’ll be safe there.”

~~~~~~~~

The door shut behind Spike leaving Buffy alone in his apartment. He hadn’t said a word from the time they had checked her out of the hotel until he had unlocked the door here. Even then he hadn’t said much, ‘make yourself at home. There’s food in the fridge. I’ll be back around seven’. Her bag was dropped on the floor beside her and he was gone.

Buffy turned to lock the door. Grateful that there were two deadbolts, a lock on the doorknob and a chain lock. She turned, leaning against the door, and looked around. It was just another apartment, nothing special, and without a lot of furniture. She noted the sliding glass door and the various windows.

“Move, girl,” Buffy told herself because the quicker she was sure that she was secure the sooner she could relax. Maybe. She approached the window over the sink in the kitchen, double checked it was locked before she moved to the sliding glass door leading out onto the balcony. Everything was locked and she drew the blinds shut so no one could watch her. It took her only a few minutes to finish the rounds of the apartment. Once it was done she breathed a sigh of relief as she headed back to the living room.

Unsure of what to do, Buffy stood in the living room for a moment and looked around her. The kitchen was to her left, the bedroom behind her and the bathroom which had an opening to the living room and the bedroom was to her right. A computer was on a desk in the corner of the main room to her left, books piled on a shelf, and there was a game system on top of the television. It was Spike’s place with Spike’s stuff in it and he had invited her to stay. She decided that maybe it wouldn’t too bad to be here.

It was a lot better than the hotel room. It had been cold and sterile resembling the room she had lived in for two years at the fancy mental facility. She had hated it and no matter what personal touches she had tried to add it wasn’t home. It wasn’t safe. She was never alone there and always watched. Going home had held such promise to have a life again but her parents fears had rendered that impossible.

They were so afraid to lose her again that the watches had continued until she had given up. Her life had been bound in their house, hidden behind curtains until her own fears returned and consumed any desire she had to rebel against them. Her hopes had been transferred to her eighteenth birthday and the plans she had been carefully constructing.

For the first time in years she felt almost free and her lips curved into a smile. There were so many possibilities in this small apartment that she felt like a kid in a candy store. For a whole five hours there was no one to watch her, to ask her how she was doing and if she had eaten. The circumstances that had brought her here were almost forgotten in the excitement of being alone somewhere she felt safe.

Her mind turned over several possibilities as to what to do first but the icky feeling of her body won out. She’d been too afraid to bathe at the hotel. It would have made her vulnerable but here it was something that she felt courageous enough to do. Buffy grabbed her bag and made her way into the bathroom. Her nose wrinkled as she looked at the vanity. There was toothpaste in the sink and his razor lay on a crumpled washcloth to the side. A quick inspection of the bathtub made her turn around. With a sigh, she put her bag on the couch this time and searched the apartment for cleaning supplies. She told herself he was so busy saving people that he just didn’t have time to do it. The least she could do was help him out.

Two hours later the small apartment shone from her efforts. Everything from the bathroom to the kitchen had been scrubbed. A look inside the refrigerator had elicited a shudder and that too had been cleaned. The garbage bag filled with leftover pizzas and other take out food containers was by the front door. A peek outside had let her know where the dumpster was but she had nibbled her lip and decided it could wait to go out.

It had been three days since she had been off her medication and she could feel every nerve in her body screaming at her. The schedule the pills had kept her on was gone leaving her emotions and body off kilter. It had been so long since she had really felt anything real, she didn’t want to take any chances and push her fragile emotions.

A quick glance at the clock revealed it was only a little bit past four so she would still have time to take a bath before Spike returned. Buffy took a few minutes to unpack. Her clothes were precisely hung in his closet after pushing his to the side. She inhaled the scent that was purely him. A scent that he had four years ago when she had curled into this body for protection. Her fingers drifted along the sleeve of his dress uniform and she fantasized how he would look in it.

“Stop it,” Buffy told herself as she shut the closet door. It wouldn’t do to romanticize him anymore than she did. There was a purpose for her being here and she couldn’t let herself forget it. The afternoon had already taken her attention away from her purpose. She had to put the past to rest, find out what had happened to the other girl, and move on to make herself a life. It would be a life that couldn’t include Spike in it no matter how much she wanted it.

Buffy put her things out on the vanity after moving all of his things to the left. The bottles arranged as they always were. The larger ones were arranged in a row in the back and continuing to her small nail polishes in the front. She grabbed a couple of clean towels and drew herself a bath. A hot bubble bath was one of the few times when she felt she could relax. Settling back in the tub she closed her eyes and forced herself to be in her happy place. A place where monsters didn’t exist and little girls didn’t get hurt.


to be continued…

Chapter 3



Every instinct Spike had as a cop went into overdrive before he even attempted to open his front door. Early on he had honed his ability to pick up on subtle nuances that others didn’t hear or see. It was something that niggled just below the radar. Whether it was psychic or just plain vibes, he could feel it in the pit of his stomach. Concern for Buffy’s safety left alone in his apartment all day screamed its priority to him. He put his briefcase down and reached under his jacket to undo the clasp that held his gun in place.

Spike took a deep breath, left one hand hovering under the edge of his lapel and turned the door knob. It was locked. He reached for his keys as the sounds emanating from his place vanished.

“Buffy, it’s me,” Spike yelled through the door. “Open the door for me.”

The sound of someone pressing against the door made him want to shake some sense into her. Just let the guy with the gun know where to point it so that he didn’t miss when he shot at her.

“I can’t see you,” Buffy said.

“Bloody hell, woman,” Spike groused but he stepped back and opened his arms wide so she could see him.

The door was opened in a matter of moments with Buffy staring cautiously out at him. She moved back to allow him entrance when he stepped forward. Once the door was shut behind him, his gaze switched from her still half frightened face to the rest of his apartment. He relaxed. No wonder he was getting weird vibes. The apartment hadn’t been this clean since he moved in. The scent of cleaning products hung heavy in the air along with a more subtle aroma. Trying to appear inconspicuous Spike leaned closer to Buffy. It was her. He took a deeper whiff, letting the scent of some sort of exotic fruit invade his senses.

“I’m hungry,” Buffy said, turning to the door and locking it again.

“There should be leftovers in the fridge,” Spike said, putting the briefcase on the coffee table before heading for his bedroom. “Heat something up.” He closed the door behind him so he could have a few moments to clear his head.

There wasn’t any way he could be attracted to Buffy. She was still a child but there was something about her that drew him in. He sighed and opened his closet to get a clean shirt. His confusion switched to anger at seeing her things hanging by his. Then the precise order of them reminded him of why she was there. The hangers were exactly the same distance apart. The clothes arranged by blouses, t-shirts and pants then by color. He grabbed the shirt he wanted and firmly shut the door. It wouldn’t do any good to get upset, he told himself as he changed into jeans and a t-shirt. He had been the one to invite her so he may as well learn to live with it.

Once changed Spike headed for the bathroom but found her influence had reached there as well. He sighed as took in the neat appearance, the separation of their toiletries and the towels hung just so on the bar. Irritation scratched at him again as he washed his face. She hadn’t just unpacked her belongings but she had cleaned and made the apartment a little homier. Deliberately he threw the towel on the back of the toilet. After all it was his place, not hers.

“Buffy,” Spike said, coming out of the bathroom to find her standing in his kitchen. He faced her from the other side of the bar. “Look, I need you to understand something.”

“What?”

“This arrangement isn’t permanent. I have the next seven days to help you out but after that you’re gone. So, don’t try and start decorating or think that you’re my girlfriend or something.”

“You told me to make myself at home,” Buffy said, her face expressionless as she stared at him.

“I know but...”

“And the bathroom was filthy. I didn’t think you’d mind if I helped out while I’m here.”

“I don’t but…,” he gave up trying. Buffy kept giving him logical not emotional responses so maybe it was his defense mechanisms going into overdrive. Since Drusilla had left he hadn’t let any woman get too close to him much less given them a chance to take over his apartment. “I just wanted to make sure you understood that this situation is only temporary.”

“Okay,” Buffy said. She looked around a bit then turned back to him. “There’s nothing to eat in the fridge.”

“There was food in there this morning.”

Buffy looked a little chagrined and he followed her gaze to the garbage bag by the front door. It was beginning to look like there wasn’t anything she hadn’t gotten into while he was gone. He was beginning to be irritated because of the fact he had to keep trying not to be irritated.
“Order a pizza or something. Numbers are hanging up there,” Spike said pointing to the cluttered bulletin board hanging over the bar.

“I don’t want to live on pizza,” Buffy said petulantly. “Not if I’m going to be here for a week.”

It was the final straw. He didn’t know if he could take her invading his life, his personal space and his sanity. Helping her out was one thing but to have to baby-sit her, too, was something else altogether. He grabbed the remote, plopped on the couch and turned the television on.

“There’s a grocery store about a block west of here,” Spike said, flipping on the news. He tried to lose himself in watching the program but found himself keeping tabs on her from the corner of his eye instead. She stared at him for a moment before she came into the room to put her jacket and shoes on. There was one more look of inquiry before he assumed she gave up and headed for the door. She couldn’t get through it though. It pierced his heart to watch her as her hand rested on the knob and one foot would come up before she put it back down then repeat the entire procedure. No matter how badly she wanted to be independent, she wasn’t. And he was an ass for treating her like that. “Do you want me to go with you?”

Spike’s voice was the calming, neutral voice that he used on frightened children or animals that needed patience. She only nodded. Hurriedly he put his shoes, gun and jacket back on. Not once while he was getting ready did she look up at him. She had retreated from him. Gone was the honest, straight forward girl she had been a few moments ago. He missed her.

On the short ride to the store, Buffy sat on the passenger side of the car and stared intently out the window. Neither of them said anything. Spike was too lost in his own torn feelings to really pay attention. This was why he had ignored her for two days. He didn’t want to care about her. His life had been torn apart four years ago after their first encounter. Every arrogant, idealistic view of the world he once held had been taken from him in one afternoon. The day Spike found a little girl imprisoned in hell, he had lost the last of his boyish wonder. It had taken him months to rebuild a view of the world he could live and function in. This time he wasn’t sure he could handle the devastation that Buffy could bring to this carefully constructed new life.

“Come on, lamb,” Spike said, sliding out of the car and holding his door open for her.

Buffy slid across the seat, ignoring his proffered hand and waited silently beside the car while he locked up. They fell into step beside each other as they headed into the store. Spike noticed that the long braid of her hair was beneath her jacket. Without really thinking he reached up to pull it out when her hand wrapped around his wrist.

“Don’t.”

“Why not?” Spike asked, with a smile. “I just thought you’d want it out.”

“He grabbed me by my hair,” Buffy said, wrapping her arms around her middle and stepping closer to Spike.

For the first time since she had come blasting back into his life, Spike did an honest appraisal of her appearance. Her clothes were severe, a gray oversized t-shirt and loose blue jeans. On her small feet was a pair of work boots that he would bet everything had steel toes. His eyes moved back up her body to the braid and the pretty face that was devoid of any makeup. Everything about her screamed ‘don’t touch me’ until you looked into her eyes that were filled with longings made up of dreams.

Buffy was looking everywhere at once as they entered the huge store.

“Did you…have you been out…shopping since?” Spike stumbled out. He was unsure how to approach Buffy’s past few years without hurting her or bringing up memories better left alone.

“No,” Buffy said, approaching the produce section with a smile. “I went riding in the car a few times since I was released. I never went inside anywhere.”

“Wow, didn’t you miss shopping?” Spike asked, watching her while she picked out fruit.

“Online.”

“Oh, guess that works,” Spike said, shaking his head. He noticed she was filling a plastic bag with a large quantity of nectarines. “Uh, you’re only going to need stuff for a week. Not years,” he added hoping to lighten his words.

“Sorry,” Buffy said, emptying out the bag. She carefully refilled it with exactly seven of the ripe, sweet smelling fruit. “I haven’t…”

“It’s okay.”

The corners of her mouth lifted for a moment and for some reason it gave him encouragement. They wandered around the store with Buffy right by his side. If he walked away to look at something, she stayed where she was until he came back for her. Finally he just didn’t leave her. It was strange to him that she found the courage to go out in public with him but hadn’t in the year she’d been at home. Didn’t her parents even try to assimilate her back into the world?

Eventually Spike found himself adding things to the cart that he liked. He never kept a lot of food at home because he was hardly there. If he wanted a home cooked meal he’d go to Angel’s house for dinner. His cousin and his wife, Cordelia, always let him mooch off of them if he was hungry. But from the look of the rapidly filling cart he’d be eating at the apartment a lot during Buffy’s stay.

“Do you cook?” Spike asked, as she was looking over the choices of steaks.

“A little,” Buffy answered, picking up a New York strip and showing it to him. “I watch the food channel a lot. It doesn’t look hard.”

“It can be though,” Spike said, taking the steak from her and putting it back. He picked out two thick porterhouses and threw them in with the rest of their goodies.

“Do you?”

“I used to a lot when I was living with Dru…my ex-girlfriend, but since she’s been gone, I haven’t.”

“What happened?”

“Long story,” Spike said, trying to shift her toward the checkout. “Something I’m sure you don’t want to hear about.”

“Oh,” Buffy said, stopping until he came back to her then she turned toward the frozen foods.

“Pet, I know we’ve got to eat but I’m not sure how much you know about cop’s salaries.”

“I’m paying.”

“Oh,” Spike said, echoing her earlier word in his confusion. There was no way she was earning her own money but she had said that had gone shopping online. Maybe her parents had given her a credit card since she had been able to procure a hotel room. “You have a credit card?”

“Check card,” Buffy answered absently as she studied the ice cream.

It was the cop in him. He couldn’t let it drop without knowing. “You have a trust fund or something?”

“Settlement.”

“From?”

“Do you ever let go?”

“Nope, I’m like a bull dog,” Spike said, smiling. “And that’s why I’m good at what I do.”

Buffy threw her choice in the cart then pinned him with those eyes. “The guy…he had been in trouble before when he was a minor. His parent’s got the charges dropped with the agreement that he got psychiatric help. He didn’t. My parent’s sued his parents. Their money paid for my move to the hospital in Sunnydale and there’s still some for me to go to college on.”

“And living expenses?”

“Yeah,” Buffy said. “Let’s go.”

It hit Spike that he didn’t really know a whole lot about her or about what happened to her. He knew about the time that he had spent with her and what he had heard from the court case but nothing else. Of course, no one knew the exact details of her abduction and confinement because she had never been able to talk about it. It was the DNA from the body fluids found in and on her body that had convicted nineteen-year-old, Lance Peterson, of the crime. Plus, there had been a couple of witnesses that had placed him at her middle school and the area where she had been found.

Thankfully, her parents had pursued the legal actions to help give Buffy some security. Spike had to give them credit for that at least. Hopefully this week and the search would help her to get the resolution she needed so she could go on. She certainly had the determination to get through this and he vowed that he would help her anyway he could to be able to live again.

“Spike?”

With a start he realized Buffy was still waiting for him. Forcing himself from his thoughts he put his hand on her lower back, “Let’s go home.”


to be continued…

Chapter 4



The groceries were put away in a very precise arrangement by Buffy. Every time Spike tried to help, she corrected what he had done. He eventually walked around to sit on one of the stools at the breakfast bar. Understanding was beginning to dawn on him as he watched her. It was control. The situation when they had checked out had thrown Buffy’s world off kilter and she needed to put it back the only way she knew how.

The cruelty of strangers was something that was common place. To have it lavished on Buffy was unfair. She had the check card for her account. She knew it would pay for her purchases. She just didn’t know how to work the machine that processed it. The jerks behind them in line were quite willing to make a joke about a dumb blonde and the cashier’s loud sigh had only humiliated the girl. Thankfully, she did know her pin number and with Spike’s patience, Buffy had gotten through the process.

But she hadn’t spoken a word since then.

And Spike didn’t know what to say to her that wasn’t a useless platitude. So, he kept silent until she was ready to say something to him.

“Steak, salad, scalloped potatoes?” Buffy asked, turning to him after she had put the last of the frozen foods away.

“Sounds good to me,” Spike said. “I’ve got a grill on the patio that I can do the steaks on if you want.”

She nodded and began to pull things out of the refrigerator for their dinner. It was back to silence as they did an awkward dance around each other as they prepared the meal. Spike took responsibility for marinating and grilling the steaks while Buffy made the sides.

He watched her from his command post on the patio as she read the directions on the box of potatoes and put them together. She was very careful not to make any mistakes and he sighed in relief when the pan slid into the oven without incident.

“Do you want to eat at the table?” Buffy asked, coming to stand just at the doorway without stepping outside.

“Nah, I usually eat at the coffee table and watch TV,” Spike said, taking the last drag of his cigarette before putting it out. He shrugged. “If you want to eat at the table we can or…”

“In front of the couch is fine.”

Buffy turned around and wandered back into the kitchen to start the salad. It didn’t take them long to get everything prepared. They loaded up their plates and took seats beside each other on the floor with their backs against the couch.

If he had taken a moment to think about it, Spike would have decided for them to sit at the table. No, he had to think that sitting in front of the television would be more comfortable. How could it be? Buffy was right beside him. Her knee kept brushing against his when either of them moved. She was so close that his body tingled in awareness of her and he felt dirty every time it did.

“I talked to your mom today,” Spike said, hoping to distract his wandering thoughts with reminders of who Buffy was. “She was the one who sent me to the hotel to look for you. And I called and told her that you would be staying here.”

“Okay,” Buffy said, her eyes glued to the television.

“She said she was going to call and talk to you.”

Guilt flashed across her face as she turned her eyes down to her plate. She pushed it away.

“Did she call, Buffy?”

Buffy nodded. “I don’t want to talk to her. She keeps telling me I’m making a mistake.”

“She’s worried about you,” Spike said. “She wants you to come home.”

“How did you find my parent’s number in the first place?”

“Deduction,” Spike said, smiling at her diversion from his question. He took a bite of his steak. Deliberately letting her squirm for a moment before he answered. “When the original home number in the file didn’t work, I called the company your father works for. They told me he was transferred to the branch office in Sunnydale. And my connections got me the number.”

“I’m an adult,” Buffy said. “It wasn’t right to tell her where I was.”

“I needed to talk to her.”

“You’re treating me like they do.”

“Are you going to eat that?” Spike asked, waving his fork at her barely touched steak. “If you’re not then I am.”

Buffy stuck her fork in the middle of the meat. “Don’t talk to my mother again.”

“Buffy…”

“No, I don’t want her interfering in this.”

He had to admit that she did have a point.

She was a legal adult with the right to choose who she wanted to associate with. If she didn’t want to talk to her mother then why should he interfere?

So, he said the only thing he could say, “Okay.”

“Here,” Buffy said, after she had cut a small portion of her steak off and laid the larger piece on his plate. “I won’t eat it all.”

“Thanks.”

They returned to eating in the increasingly comfortable silence between them. Buffy kept her eyes glued to some sitcom that he could care less about. Everybody on it kept making really bad jokes that made no sense and even Buffy wasn’t laughing at them. Finally a commercial came on and Spike decided to broach the subject of why she was with him.

“I brought home copies of all the files concerning your case and the trial,” Spike said, pointing to his briefcase with his fork. “Maybe see if there’s anything that was missed or something you’ll be able to see as not being right.”

“Okay, I’ll try,” Buffy whispered. “I don’t remember a lot of what happened.”

Taking a long drink of his soda, Spike tried to figure out how to approach this. No matter which way his mind tried to go, it kept coming back to the same question. If she didn’t remember then how could she be so sure there was someone else?

“How much is a lot?”

“I remember the afternoon it happened, being taken…him taking me into the building, forcing me to take my clothes off and chaining me up,” Buffy said, her eyes closed and her hands clenched in her lap. “I remember him touching me, the pain…and from there it drifts in and out, bits and pieces that I can’t put in order or tell you which came first or last.”

His hand covered hers and squeezed. His thumb caressed the softness of her fingers in a gentle sweep back and forth until he felt some of the tension leave her.

“Don’t force yourself,” Spike whispered. “All we really need is anything you can tell me about her.”

Buffy nodded. She blinked rapidly and he could see the tears she was fighting back. He wanted to pull her to him and rock away her pain but knew he couldn’t. Four years hadn’t blocked it out for either of them. And giving in to his body’s ever increasing demands would only hurt her. He just hoped the next week flew by.

“It’s all flashes,” Buffy said, pulling her hands away from him. “I was in the dark a lot and I remember the light first. He brought a lantern and his one arm was back. I thought he was going to hit me but then I heard her.” She stopped, retreating to a corner of the couch. He turned so he could look at her. “She was bitching because he had brought her to a hell hole.” Buffy looked down at him with a trace of a smile. “She was right about that.”

“What else?” Spike urged, hoping that her memories would keep flowing so it would give them something.

“It’s gone,” Buffy said, shaking her head. “Screams, blood on the floor,” she held her hands out. “There was blood on me. That’s it.”

“Okay,” he said, patting her leg. “It’s enough. Do you think you could describe her enough for someone to do a sketch?”

Buffy scrunched up her face and stared off into space. “There’s like a flash before everything goes blank. Brunette, pretty…”

“Let it come to you,” Spike said. “Don’t force it. If you do your mind will make up details for you. It’s down inside of you. Let it come naturally. That’s enough for now…let’s finish dinner.”

Spike returned to his own meal and turned his attention to the television. He was relieved when Buffy slid down to sit beside him again. Witness details were often influenced by what they wanted to see, what they were prejudiced by and the power of suggestion. And people were often convicted by eyewitness accounts that weren’t even accurate. So, to let the conversation drop was the best decision. If Buffy didn’t concentrate on it then when she least expected it the face she was trying to remember would pop into her mind. Then they would have the information they needed.

~~~~~~~

Dinner was cleaned up. Buffy was still watching television. She was sitting there on his couch, wrapped up in his blanket and all he wanted was to hold her. A part of him wanted to talk to someone. Someone who could explain these feelings and emotions that weren’t letting him alone, but he didn’t really want to open that can of worms. So, he sat on his patio, smoking cigarette after cigarette. His hand almost shook with the adrenaline that was rampaging through his body.

Spike watched the smoke curl from the end of the cigarette, the red of the cherry, and the ash that was slowly forming. Feeling watched, he broke his concentration and looked up to see Buffy staring at him. Her eyes not breaking from his, brave in her contemplation of him. He could see the fright, the bravado, the curiosity of her gaze and it made him angry.

His life was finally the way he wanted it. What right did she have to come to him? But he knew why. He just didn’t want to admit it. They were the only two besides him who understood the depth of his hell. Both survived the tormented mind of another being. To cling to one another was only natural in the scheme of things.

It made him wonder what had happened to the other girl.

If she was alive, if she existed at all, then she was a member of their exclusive club. She was a part of them.

And he understood why Buffy had to find her. Why she couldn’t go on without setting things right. The other girl was their sister in the pain, their family, and she had the right to stand with them. To be counted.

“Are you all right?” Buffy asked, standing in the open doorway.

He hadn’t even registered the fact she had come to him even though he was still staring at her. He nodded, turning away to stub out his cigarette.

“Yeah,” Spike said, clearing his throat of the sudden hoarseness. “I was thinking about going to the fitness room and working out. You want to come?”

“They have a treadmill?”

“Yeah.”

Buffy nodded and backed away. He waited until she grabbed the stuff she wanted from the bedroom before reentering the apartment. Heading for the bedroom, he heard the distinctive clicks of the bathroom doors. It helped to put him back in his place as he changed from jeans to knee length navy blue cotton shorts. He grabbed his sneakers and headed back out to the living room.

Buffy was ready in sweats and t-shirt with a portable disc player in her hand. Good, she wouldn’t want to carry on a conversation while they were there. He needed to burn off the nervous energy and having her chatter would only distract him from his purpose. Oh, who was he kidding? She never chattered. Her words were few and far between, carefully chosen to discourage conversation. He should rejoice but it only made him feel alone.

The walk across the complex was tense as Buffy kept looking around. There were people everywhere, going from their cars to the apartments or just hanging out on their patios. He questioned the sanity of this. She could go into shock from moving too fast. It was too much stimuli for someone who was used to wandering around a house and never venturing outside. He was ready to turn back when her small hand curled around his.

“It’s all right,” Spike said. “I know most of these people.”

“I know,” Buffy whispered, but she didn’t loosen her grip.

Thankfully the workout room was empty this time of night. It was just the two of them and Buffy seemed relieved that it was a keyed entry. No one could get in unless they were a resident of the community. She let go of him and headed for the treadmill in the corner. He turned toward the weights. A punching bag was what he needed but he wasn’t sure how she’d react to see him taking his aggressions out so he settled for getting a good burn. After setting the weight that he wanted, he checked on her before lying on the bench. Buffy was doing a slow jog, her eyes closed, lost in her music somewhere.

He tried to forget about her as he moved through his routine. He tried to get lost in the feel of his muscles screaming at him, at the sweat that was soon pouring down his body. It felt good and when he felt the quiver of weakness that told him he was pushing it, he finally stopped. He was drenched and reached down to wipe his face with his t-shirt. Sitting on the edge of the bench again, he looked up to see how Buffy was doing and everything in his life changed again.

She was staring at him again. This time only one thing burned in those emerald depths…hunger…for him.

His body shook under the purest flame he had ever seen.

And in that instant, he knew they would have sex. God, help him, it was probably wrong for a thousand different reasons but the decision was already made.

It might make him a pervert.

It might make him a savior.

But whatever the reason was…whatever the outcome was…when she came to him and he had no doubt she would, he wouldn’t turn her away.


To be continued…

Chapter 5




Buffy was avoiding. It was kind of irking him as he watched her do everything else but deal with the very reason she was there. She had slept until almost ten then taken a long shower, breakfast had been next and now she was on the computer checking her email.

Enough was enough. Spike cleared his throat loudly until she glanced at him over her shoulder. Their gazes collided and he almost had to look away from the intensity of the fear in her eyes.

“We need to get started, pet,” he said as calmly but as sternly as he could. If she needed a push and hand holding then he would do it. Whatever it took for them to get through this, he was willing to do.

Buffy nodded and closed out of the computer. She sat on the floor by his feet and pulled the files over to her. Her hand hovered over them for a moment as she looked back and forth between the police file and the one for the trial.

“Okay, we need to find anything that would help clue us in to this other girl,” Spike said, leaning over with his forearms on his legs. “So, why don’t you start by reading through his statement and testimony? I know it’s going to be hard but he might have said something that will trigger your memory. And I’ll be right here with you.”

“Thank you,” Buffy whispered, pulling the police file closer to her.

It was hard for him to watch her do this. He felt like he was sending her back into the hell he had found her in. If he could take it away from her he would but he couldn’t. She was the only one who could take this journey and all he could do was be there for her.

Spike pulled his legs up until he was sitting cross-legged and turned on the television. He kept the volume low and waited while she read through Peterson’s initial interview with police. Spike knew what it said. Everything in those files was etched in his mind. He hadn’t been with her physically for those two days but those nights had been filled with reviewing the horror of those weeks she’d gone through. Hopefully, she’d be able to handle reliving it.

“I…Spike…he said,” Buffy said, with a trace of panic in her voice. “He said I wanted it…that I had…” She stopped her hand covering her mouth.

“I know what he said and I know he was lying.”

“But he wasn’t,” Buffy mumbled.

“He wasn’t, what?” Spike asked, his feet hitting the ground as he leaned forward. Confusion littered his mind as he tried to figure out what Buffy meant by saying Peterson wasn’t lying. The perpetrator had stated that the relationship with Buffy was consensual. The chains had been part of a game they made up that had gone horribly wrong. No one had believed him. “Buffy, what wasn’t he wrong about?”

“I remember them…having orgasms,” Buffy whispered. Her hand fell away from her face but her eyes were tightly shut. “Not at the beginning but toward the end…”

“Do you even know what a…orgasm feels like?” Spike bit out as nausea hit him with the force of a tidal wave.

“Yes,” Buffy said. “I was a bad girl…that’s why he picked me. He saw me making out with my boyfriend, Riley. He said girls like me…we’d give it up to anyone.”

“You weren’t a virgin?” Spike blurted. The implication of her words raced through his mind but after the initial surprise he realized that it didn’t really matter if she had been or not. She was still the same girl he had carried out of the basement that day.

“Yes, I was still…a virgin,” Buffy stuttered with her face flaming. “I just…know. Okay?”

“So, you had…you,” bloody came from being raped?” Spike was able to stop the hateful words before he actually said them. He almost bit his tongue with the force that he closed his mouth.

Images darted through his mind.

The hungry look on her face the night before when she gazed at him. The fantasy hovering in the back of his mind of her beneath him and shuddering from the pleasure he was giving her.

There was rat poop on my leg…after awhile it didn’t matter anymore.

Peterson’s statement…Hey, the girl wanted it. Flirting with me…she liked it rough…

Buffy chained to a wall, half-starved and half-crazed. And the stark terror that would have brought no pleasure but only self-preservation to a young woman forced almost beyond endurance.
But she misunderstood the silence that had lasted too long.

“You think I was bad, too,” Buffy said before he could correct his mistakes. “Oh, god…I wish I hadn’t…”

She jumped to her feet, prepared to run when everything snapped back into place. Spike grabbed her and pulled her down onto his lap. He could lose her; lose everything if he didn’t pull himself together. She struggled to get away but he tightened his grip.

“Don’t pet, don’t,” Spike said. “Please don’t leave…I’m sorry. I don’t think you’re bad.”

“Only a bad girl would react like that,” Buffy spat, the self-loathing evident in her tone. “My fault. If I hadn’t been…easy, it wouldn’t have happened.”

“No, no, that’s not true.”

Buffy had stopped struggling and he loosened his hold on her. She stayed, perched on his knees, facing away from him. Her body shook from her tears while he made small soothing circles on her back.

“Listen to me, okay, pet?” Spike asked, softly.

She nodded.

“Your…you said you didn’t have them in the beginning, right?”

“Uh-huh,” she whispered so low he could barely hear her.

“The human body is made to be touched,” Spike said, searching his mind for the right words that would reassure her that it wasn’t her fault. “It’s also made to protect itself. Your body was adjusting to what he was doing to you. Trying to find a way to make it bearable for you and to protect itself.”

“Protect me?”

“When…,” he could feel his face suffusing with color. This conversation was one of the most uncomfortable he had ever engaged in and he was grateful she wasn’t looking at him. “When a woman has an orgasm, she releases fluids, which would make it easier for him to…and it would be less painful for you.”

“I didn’t want it, Spike,” Buffy said. “I fought him…I did…until I couldn’t anymore.”

“I know you did. Didn’t the doctors explain all this to you?”

“I never told them about that,” Buffy said.

“Didn’t they bring this kind of stuff up?”

“A woman came to the hospital, said she was a victim’s advocate. She said a bunch of stuff,” Buffy said, softly. “But I wouldn’t talk to her,” she sniffled. “Couldn’t talk to her…I was so lost, Spike. Nothing made sense for so long and I just wanted to hide. Didn’t want anyone to know what I did.”

“You didn’t do anything, Buffy. It was done to you…no matter what you had to do to protect yourself it still didn’t make you a willing participant.”

“But…I let him…I just went away…to this place in my head,” Buffy whispered. “I can’t even remember what we did…what he did. I wished so many times that he’d just kill me.”

“I’m glad he didn’t,” Spike said, squeezing her arm. “I take it you never talked to a rape counselor…later when you were getting better?”

“No,” Buffy said, shaking her head. “I only dealt with my doctor and he was someone that had been recommended to my father. He specialized in teenagers with emotional problems…”

“He? Your parents didn’t even get you a woman therapist? Didn’t you get any help with dealing with what happened?”

“I was in the hospital for almost three years,” Buffy said, turning to look back at him. “I learned how to cope…how to be,” she chuckled. “I learned how to play their game so I could get out.”

Spike laughed with her because he knew that’s exactly what she would do. Buffy was a survivor and she would do what she had to do to get through whatever was thrown at her. It was one of the reasons he admired her so much. She was tough even though she appeared to be fragile.

“I still think you should have seen someone that dealt specifically with…well…with women who…”

“Have been raped,” Buffy said, flatly. She flashed him a tiny smile. “None of it was offered or shown to me. I think they were just so happy that I was talking and acting halfway normal they forgot what had gotten me unbalanced in the first place.”

“Do you think that maybe you want some help like that now?” Spike asked, twirling the end of her braid around his finger.

“I found a website that’s helped some,” Buffy said, turning her face away from him. “It’s called RAINN. They had a lot of information and I found an online support group when I got out. That’s how I met Willow. We talk a lot over the ‘net.”

“You didn’t read anything that helped you deal with the guilt?”

Buffy picked at her nails. “They’re just words.”

“Not the same as having a real honest-to-god man tell you that he doesn’t think you’re to blame, huh?”

“Yeah.”

Spike cupped her face so that she was looking down at him. “You’re not dirty, Buffy. It wasn’t your fault. I don’t blame you and I think you’re sweet, innocent, and beautiful.”

“Really?’

“Yeah, I do.”

Suddenly the fight went out of her and she turned to him. He opened his arms and let her in as she burrowed against him. For a long time he just held her as she cried cleansing tears as she let go of the guilt she’d held onto for years.


~~~~~~~


He knew she was there even before she called his name.

She had come to him just as he knew she would. The catharsis of her tears earlier that day had been the dawning of a new part of her life. It was time for her to start living again, to start feeling again. The room was illuminated from the light in the living room and he opened his eyes to find her standing next to his bed wrapped in a blanket.

“What’s up, pet?”

Spike decided to play the game. Let it follow its natural course. Let her be in control.

“I don’t want to be alone.”

“I don’t either. Been alone too long myself,” Spike lifted the comforter so she could slide in beside him. He kept it tucked around his nude body in case she wasn’t after sex but only to be held. He shouldn’t have worried as Buffy dropped the blanket. His eyes opened wide at the beauty of the woman standing there with nothing on. She met his eyes briefly before she slipped under the covers.

“You have girlfriends?” Buffy asked, but they both knew she already had the answer. She rolled onto her side, facing him as she waited for him to agree with her.

“Yes, I have women in my life but none of them fill that empty place inside of me.”

“Do you want me to?”

“You could,” Spike said honestly. “But you have that life waiting for you. We both know that’s what’s best for you.”

Buffy nodded slightly. “What happened to your girlfriend? The one you said that you were living with.”

“It was after I found you. Everything changed. The way I thought…the things I believed in,” Spike said. His fingers picked at the threads in the comforter. “Everything hurt and I wasn’t…couldn’t be there for her like I had been. I didn’t want to have sex, make love and she didn’t understand why.”

“Why couldn’t you?”

Spike tucked her hair behind her ear and smiled. “Because I knew first hand how bad things could be…how sex could be used to hurt someone and I was afraid of it; of its power for a long time. I was lost in that basement and couldn’t find my way out. Dru couldn’t handle…didn’t know how to handle it and she left. I don’t blame her. I wasn’t the man she fell in love with anymore.”

“You’re still the man I knew,” Buffy said, shyly covering his hand with her own.

“Don’t Buffy; don’t make me out to be more than I am. I’m just a man. Not a knight on a white horse or the hero with wings. I’m just a man…sometimes a very fucked up man who doesn’t know how to let people close to him. I don’t like people getting inside my head and you’re the only person who’s been in my apartment this long.”

“You’ve been alone too.”

“Yeah, I have been.”

“You’re not tonight,” Buffy said, scooting closer to him.

“Are you trying to seduce me?” Spike asked with a chuckle even as he pulled her closer. Their bodies were flush against each other and she slipped an arm around him.

“Yes.”

“Are you sure, Buffy?” He asked, kissing her forehead. “You’re so young. Don’t you want to fall in love with some boy your age and let him show you everything?”

“You think I’m beautiful.”

“Yeah I do.”

“You think I’m beautiful in spite of the ugliness that is still inside me.”

It wasn’t a question but a statement of fact. And he understood. It was time to erase the past. Erase the damage that had been done to her and he willingly went to her.

The first kisses were awkward. Literally two strangers, but yet more familiar than couples married for a lifetime, were meeting in a yearning to find passion in the wasteland of their souls. Naked bodies pressed together as they searched for the comfortableness that already existed between them. Buffy was eager. Her tongue met his, chasing, and playing as the desire was stoked. He held her tight while her hands skittered over his body.

Spike wanted to give her pleasure. He wanted to be the hero she imagined him to be and he rolled her on her back. Kisses were placed on the soft flesh of her body in every place he could remember a bruise or a cut being. He was trying to replace the pain with gentle adoration. Her soft sighs spurred him on in his exploration. He rolled her over to cover her back with caresses and kisses. She shivered at the licks on the back of her knees.

His hair was pulled and petted when he brought her back over so he could come up between her thighs. She was sweet just like he knew she would be. He teased her with his tongue, almost growling in satisfaction at how ready she was for him.

“So long without touch,” Buffy whispered. “I’m drowning in the feel of you against me.”

“Drowning in you,” Spike whispered back. “You’re taking me under.”

Covering her, settling between her silken thighs, he reached for a condom. It was then that the trace of fear showed behind the passion and he slowed his movements. Every motion was waiting for her to stop it.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes,” Buffy said with conviction. She brought her legs up so that her feet were planted next to his hips. Her hands gripped his shoulders and her eyes stared into his as he entered her slowly. Every thrust heightened the tension in her. Spike waited for her to fall apart; waited for the cries and the screams that never came. It was worse. She left him. She retreated behind her wall so that he was alone.

“Do you want to stop?” Spike asked again. Trying…wanting to break through the barriers between them.

“No,” Buffy said, staring up at him with wide eyes. “You have to finish.”

“I can make you feel good, Luv. Please let me make this good for you.”

“No…please, Spike just…do it,” Buffy whispered raggedly, while her toes kneaded the bed and her tears streamed across her cheeks. Hating himself and hating her, he buried his face in the crook of her neck and lost himself in the feel of her body. The sensation of her tight cunt gripping him, the hardened nipples poking his chest, the grip of her thighs on his sides and her hands hanging on for dear life was all he allowed his mind to register. His thrusts sped up as he succumbed to his own lust until with relief he shuddered in a minimal orgasm.

“I’ll be right back,” Spike said, sliding off of her. He kissed her forehead and hurried into the bathroom. There were so many things he wanted to say to her. So many reassurances he needed himself but when he returned to the bedroom she was gone. The door firmly shut to let him know that she didn’t want to be with him. And when he crawled back into the bed she now haunted, he knew he had never been so lonely in his life.



to be continued…


Author’s Note: RAINN (Rape Abuse & Incest National Network) can be found at: http://www.rainn.org/

Chapter 6





A scream tore Spike from the hazy nightmare of his sleep and back to the reality of Buffy’s living one.

The cop in him took over as he rolled off his bed and ran to the living room without stopping to put on clothes. His eyes scanned the room quickly for intruders then another moan ripped through the air. It was Buffy and now there was no longer any time to think, only react. She was half running, half crawling toward the bathroom and he reached out to her to see where she was hurt. She pulled away from him and he watched in sickening horror as she fell. Her head hit the edge of the bathroom counter before she fell to the floor with a thud.

Spike turned the light on as he tried to assess what was wrong. Buffy struggled to her hands and knees while the moans turned to retching. He grabbed her around the waist and hoisted her over the edge of the bathtub just in time. He watched helplessly as blood ran from an apparent head wound to mix with the vomit she was expelling. He adjusted himself so that he was balancing her with one arm while he tried to keep her braid out of the way. The horrible sound she was making was now crying and he sat them on the floor with her cradled between his legs. Reaching up he tried to grab a towel but Buffy struggled to get away from him.

“Buffy, I’m right here,” Spike said. “Shhh, what happened? Talk to me…please.”

“Baby…my baby…,” Buffy cried. “I was going to have a baby.”

“Oh, my god, you didn’t know?”

“No…no…its dead.”

Her words were like slicing open the river of her pain and she screamed in a never ending eulogy for the baby she had never known existed. Spike was helpless as he held onto her. How could they not tell her? Any kind of visit to a physician would require revealing a prior pregnancy. Did they think she’d never know or that it would never come back to haunt them?

For a brief moment his mind went back to the testimony by the ER doctor and her psychiatrist and what had been revealed. Buffy had been impregnated during her captivity. Due to her mental state the doctors felt it would cause her irreparable psychological harm to carry the child to term. Her parents signed the form, a judge approved it and the pregnancy had been terminated. And apparently all of it happened without Buffy’s awareness of it.

Now, Spike was the one left to deal with the devastating aftermath.

Forcing himself to return to the matter of the screeching woman in his arms, he held her a little tighter. The screams were reaching a crescendo that battled with the sobs that were shaking her body.

“I’m sorry…sorry…Buffy, I’m right here,” Spike whispered a litany of meaningless words to let her know that he was there and that he wasn’t leaving her. Her pain was too deep. Too much had happened and been revealed to her in too short of a time. She was overloading. In horror he saw her try to dig her fingernails into the flesh of one arm. He grabbed her wrists, wrenching them apart before she could do much damage. She fought him, trying to bite him or head butt him in an effort to get loose. He couldn’t let her go though and he desperately tried to contain her. He had no other choice.

The sound of banging on the door sent fear through him. He swore beneath his breath. They didn’t need interference. He didn’t want to lose control of the rapidly deteriorating girl in his arms. He couldn’t face the thought that this time he might not be able to save her.

“Nagle, it’s Kate, open up.”

Officer Kate Lockley. A friend, acquaintance, somewhere in between, she and her partner, Officer Dan Jacobs, patrolled the area Spike lived in. Someone had to have called in a domestic disturbance because of Buffy’s screaming. He couldn’t answer, he couldn’t move so he waited while he held onto his charge. A few more bangs then the sound of the door being kicked in. Spike looked up to see his friends pointing their guns at them.

“Let her go, Nagle,” Kate said.

“I can’t, Kate,” Spike said. His mind rapidly moved through what might help and he clutched onto the one person he knew that possibly could see them through this. “Call Cordy. Tell her it’s an emergency. Please.”

“Spike…”

“Do it, damn it…I’m losing her,” Spike whispered hoarsely. Tears slipped silently down his face.

Kate nodded and turned toward his phone. Dan started to lower his gun.

“Keep your gun on him,” Kate ordered. “We don’t know shit…even good cops go bad.”

It was okay. Spike wasn’t angry about it. They didn’t know. There was blood all over both of them. Buffy was struggling. He was naked. It had to look like a bad fight between lovers in which someone had crossed the line and gotten physical.

“She’s on her way,” Kate said, returning to the bathroom door, “So, are the paramedics. I still need you to let go of her. Okay.”

Spike laughed. She was using the calm voice. He shook his head even as Buffy suddenly stilled in his arms. The strangers holding guns on them had penetrated her hysteria and so had the fact that they wanted to separate the two of them. She turned in his arms, wrenching free of his grasp to wrap her arms around him. Her face was buried in his neck. Her breathing was becoming erratic.

“Don’t,” Spike whispered, running his hands over her body. “It’s going to be okay. Keep breathing, pet.”

“I’ll be good,” Buffy hiccupped. “I can’t…can’t…go back. Don’t let them take me away, Spike, please.”

“It’s not you they want to take away, lamb, it’s me,” Spike said, kissing the top of her head. “They think I hurt you.”

“Leave us alone,” Buffy said, shaking her head. “He didn’t.”

For the first time in his career Spike asked a favor from cop to cop. “Kate, call Captain Roberts. Tell him it’s Buffy…see if…”

“If he’ll let it go?”

“Yeah,” Spike said, cuddling Buffy closer. He hated cops who used their influence to bend the law to their whims. You played by the rules or what was the use of having a badge?

Kate moved away to the phone. She turned away so that he could only hear mumbled words. He prayed that for once someone would hear him. Not for his sake but for Buffy’s.

“Sorry,” Kate said. “He said go by the book. He’ll meet us at the station.”

Damn it.

Two paramedics hurried into the apartment and Kate quickly apprised them of the situation. Everyone was in a holding pattern until Cordelia arrived. Buffy was the center of attention. She knew it and it was only making it worse. The terror was radiating off her in waves. Spike could only hold onto her and try to let her know by touch that he’d find a way to make it all right.

“Will, this had better be fucking important,” Cordelia’s strident voice echoed when she entered the apartment.

Spike looked up to see Kate pointing into the bathroom and then Cordy was there. For the first time in what seemed forever he felt hope. His cousin’s wife dropped her purse, fell to her knees and crawled into the bathroom. Buffy jumped, tightening her grasp on Spike at the invasion.

~~~~~~~~

“I take it you’re Buffy,” Cordy said, sitting down just inside the doorway. There was no response. “Will’s told me a lot about you. Has he mentioned me at all?”

Buffy nodded.

“Yeah, good. It’s good to know that he cares enough to talk about us, huh?”

Cordy took the moment as she waited for a reply to assess the situation. The girl in Will’s arms was shaking. Fright? Shock? Concussion? Possibly all three? Will didn’t look much better and it tore at her heart. She knew that having Buffy back in his life would only rip it apart. She’d told him to stay away from Buffy but it hadn’t worked. Now he needed her help and no matter what her personal feelings were. She’d give it.

“Has he told you what I do…for a living?”

A small shake of the blonde’s head.

“I’m a counselor and a victim’s advocate. I work mostly with women who have been a victim of a violent crime.”

“I’m fine.”

“Doesn’t look that way to me. As a matter of fact neither of you do.”

Buffy lifted her head to look at Will. Her fingertips traced the tear tracks down his cheeks which only made her cry again. It was clear that she cared about him and something gave way in Cordelia’s heart. Will had been her baby since she first met him at his father’s funeral when he was thirteen. Anyone that looked at him with that kind of adoration already had big plus points going for them.

“I’m sorry…messed everything up,” Buffy whispered.

“Not you…not you,” Spike said, kissing the tip of her nose.

They gave the touches of two people who had been intimate. It shook Cordy to the core as she realized that Will was in way over his head.

“Buffy,” she called softly. “We need to get this all straightened out but we need you to let go of him.”

“He didn’t do anything.”

Good. She was gearing up to fight and that’s right where Cordelia wanted her.

“I know that and you know that but we need to convince them of that,” Cordy said jerking her head back to indicate the others that were still hovering. “So, let’s get you out of here so the paramedics can see what’s wr…can look over your injury and Will can talk to Kate.” She held her hand out and waited.

Buffy looked at her then up at Spike.

“Go on, kitten,” Spike said, gently pushing her away. “There isn’t anything I don’t trust Cordelia with.”

It was enough and Buffy grasped her hand. Standing she helped Buffy to her feet and with an arm around the smaller woman’s waist she helped her from the bathroom. Knowing that what was coming could be traumatizing Cordelia directed Buffy into the bedroom where she wouldn’t see.

“Spike, I hate to do this,” Kate’s voice floated to them. “But you have the right to remain silent…”

“He didn’t hurt me,” Buffy said, trying to stand. “Why won’t they go away?”

“Stay here,” Cordelia said, motioning for the paramedic to come in. “Let them look you over. I’ll check on Will for you.”

“He needs clothes,” Buffy said, sitting back down and letting the paramedic approach her. “T-shirts in the third drawer of the dresser and jeans are in the bottom.”

Cordelia nodded as she got his clothes. They had been more than intimate in the two days Buffy had been here. They had settled in like old married folks and she felt a flash of anger toward Will. He had fought so long to build a life for himself and he was willingly handing it over to this teenager so she could destroy it. Buffy might care about him and wouldn’t intentionally hurt him but inevitably she would. There didn’t seem to be any other realistic ending to this relationship.

She made her way back into the living room and her heart ached at seeing Will standing there nude while Kate asked him questions. She handed him the clothes along with a wet cloth and he didn’t even leave. He wiped as much of the blood off as he could and pulled the clothes on where he was. Once he was dressed he turned his back to Kate and put his hands behind him. Kate looked heartsick herself as she snapped the cuffs on her friend.

“Take care of her,” Spike asked, looking up at Cordelia. “She needs you, please.”

“I will,” Cordelia answered, wrapping her arms around him and kissing his cheek. “Do you want me to call Lindsey?”

“Not yet,” he stopped and looked toward the bedroom for a moment then over to Kate. “Let’s get out of here.”

It had to be killing him to be taken away in handcuffs. Will had always tried to be the best cop he could be. Anything to take away the stigma of what his father had done in his betrayal of the badge. The rumors would run rampant through the station despite of what the truth really was.

Once the door closed behind them, Cordelia hurried back to the bedroom. The paramedics were tending to Buffy’s wound while she seemed to come in and out of reality. It left Cordelia concerned about her mental state and she leaned back against the dresser and waited.

“We’re going to take you to the hospital,” the one paramedic told Buffy. “It looks like you need several stitches and they will probably want to observe you for any side effects from the head trauma.”

In other words they wanted to have a psychological profile taken of Buffy. The hysteria and the scratches on her arm were a strong indication of a self-abusive personality that was easily identifiable to medical personnel. Cordelia figured that was going to happen so she wasn’t surprised by the suggestion. It seemed Buffy had an idea of what they meant also because suddenly the vacant look was gone.

“No, no hospital,” Buffy declared. “I’m fine. I need to make sure Spike is okay.”

“You need stitches,” the paramedic repeated. “It’s best you come with us.”

“I don’t have to go with them, do I?” Buffy asked, looking up at Cordelia. “I’ll go to the hospital after Spike is okay.”

It was the conviction that Buffy had toward making sure that Will was all right that swayed Cordelia. Personally her first priority was Will, too, so it didn’t take much convincing to agree with Buffy.

“No, you don’t have to,” Cordelia answered, and then turned to the paramedics. “You heard her guys.”

“It’s not a good idea,” the paramedic said. “But we can’t force her.”

Reluctantly they packed up their gear and made their leave. Buffy hurried to the bathroom to clean up as soon as they were gone. She was a little wobbly on her feet but was determined to go to the police station to check on Will. While Buffy was getting ready, Cordelia called her husband to have the apartment door fixed. When she hung up she turned with a smile to the small blonde hustling around getting dressed. She had already decided not to like Buffy but was finding it hard to dislike someone with her fortitude.

It didn’t take the girl long to get ready and it was only when the blonde hesitated at the door that Cordelia realized how much this was costing her emotionally. She slipped her arm around Buffy’s shoulder and after rooting around in her purse handed the girl a container of pepper spray. The relief on Buffy’s face told her that she’d been right.

“I’m trained in self-defense,” Cordelia said. “Trained by the best, Spike and Angel, and they’re tough teachers.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, Spike is a scrappy street fighter and Angel is more into the marital arts but they’re both relentless,” Cordelia said. “Maybe they can teach you a few things.”

Buffy nodded before opening the door herself. She glanced over at Cordelia with a look of determination and said, “Let’s go get, Spike.”



to be continued…

Chapter 7




Spike refused to rub his wrists where the handcuffs had dug into him. He wouldn’t give them the satisfaction of enjoying his humiliation any more than he had to. Slumping down into the chair in front of his Captain’s desk, he kept his eyes steadfast on the nameplate.

Besides him and Captain Roberts, Kate and Dan were also in the small office. Trying to be inconspicuous he glanced up at his captain before looking away again. Roberts looked angry and sympathetic at the same time. The large man with the salt-and-pepper hair but gentle soul had been a mentor for Spike over the years. And even sometimes a father figure when he felt the young detective needed personal guidance in his life. It was why this stung even more. Spike knew he was a disappointment.

“I’m on your side, Nagle,” Roberts said. “But I do have to take this one by the book.”

“I haven’t done anything wrong,” Spike said finally meeting his Captain’s eyes.

Neither man looked away until Roberts nodded his head.

“Mrs. Summers called me earlier today…,” Roberts laughed roughly as he looked up at the clock that showed it was almost two in the morning. “I guess that was yesterday.” His face turned serious as he met Spike’s gaze again. “She’s going to try and have Buffy declared incompetent. Force her to come home.”

Spike threw his head back as anger burned through him. His eyes closed as he realized what this would do to Buffy. She was teetering so close to the edge trying to deal with everything. It wouldn’t take much to send her back to that place in her head.

“It’s bullshit,” Spike declared looking back at his superior. “Buffy is fully competent and aware of what she is doing. She’s scared to death to be outside or around people but that’s because her damn parents didn’t even try to get her living again. They didn’t even fucking tell her about her baby they had aborted. She hasn’t done anything except make it worse for Buffy. What right does that woman have to try and do this?”

“She’s her mother,” Roberts said quietly. “She has every right to protect her child but legally I don’t think she has a case. She called me hoping that I would help her.”

“How?”

“By telling her that you had coerced her daughter or was taking advantage of her…”

Spike looked away. Unable to stop the shame he felt at having sex with Buffy. Everything positive he felt before it happened had dissipated in the way it turned out. If only she had turned to him, let him try to give her pleasure, or even to comfort her when it was over but she closed the door on him. It still stung his pride. He had failed her.

“You slept with her didn’t you?” Roberts asked angrily. “Damn it, Nagle, are you trying to get thrown off the force?”

“She’s a legal consenting adult,” Spike fired back.

“Barely. A month ago you could have gotten thrown in jail for it and if her mother succeeds then you will probably lose your badge. Was it worth it?”

“I don’t regret letting her into my life or helping her in any way that I can. Someone has to and I won’t turn my back on her.”

Roberts laughed and leaned back in his chair. He played with a pen as he studied Spike for a moment. “Well, at least you’ve got conviction. But, you’ve given me another reason to run this by the book.”

Spike sighed as it became clear why his Captain hadn’t done him the favor. If Mrs. Summers found out that the LA police department had deliberately overlooked a possible assault on her daughter it could cost them all their jobs. He could and would take the risks but couldn’t ask that much of his co-workers and friends.

“Okay, I’ve been arrested, now what?” Spike asked, resigning himself to the fact that this was going to have to play itself out.

“You haven’t been arrested yet,” Kate reminded him softly. “You’ve been brought here for questioning and now we sort through everything for the truth.”

Spike had almost forgotten she was there and he blinked when he looked up at her. Her face showed compassion, giving him a warm feeling. Somebody was on his side.

“Dan, take him to the interrogation room and get a statement from him,” Roberts ordered. “Do you want a lawyer, Nagle?”

Spike shook his head as he stood. He trusted the cops around him and until he felt guilty for something then he would handle this on his own. Dan opened the door to reveal Buffy and Cordelia sitting on a small bench outside the office. Buffy tried to come to him but Cordelia held her back. Her eyes were bright as she watched him be led away.

~~~~~~~

“This isn’t fair,” Buffy said, turning to Kate who was standing in the doorway of the Captain’s office. “He didn’t do anything to me.”

It was tearing her apart to know that she had done this to Spike. The one person in the world that really saw her was being punished for trying to help her. She wrapped her arms around herself as she felt her anxiety level rise. This wasn’t the time to have to deal with her emotions. Closing her eyes she concentrated on Spike. She let her mind envision him holding her, soothing her, and the feel of his lips on hers. She listened to his voice in her head telling her to breathe deeply.

“You okay?” Kate asked, putting her hand on Buffy’s arm to get her attention.

“Don’t touch me,” Buffy snapped, backing away toward Cordelia, who slipped an arm around her shoulders. Buffy felt herself relax. The same trust she gave Spike had been extended to this woman based only on his word that she was safe.

“Sorry,” Kate said, stepping back and raising her hands. “Look we are going to need to get a statement from you on what happened tonight. Can you do that for me?”

“Yeah,” Buffy said, nodding. “Can Cordelia be there?”

“I’ll be with you,” Cordelia promised with a small squeeze of her shoulder.

A man that Buffy assumed to be Captain Roberts stepped out of his office and motioned Kate inside. With a promise to be right back the woman disappeared into the office.

“Are they going to let Spike go?” Buffy asked.

“Yes, they have to. He didn’t do anything wrong, right?”

Buffy nodded as she sighed. She regretted ever getting out of Spike’s bed. If she hadn’t they would most likely be sleeping in each other’s arm. He wouldn’t be in the predicament he was in now. She wouldn’t know about the baby yet. Her hand instinctively covered her belly as she imagined what it might have been like to be pregnant. What it could be like one day. What if she was carrying Spike’s baby? She shook her head from her fantasies. It wasn’t going to happen. She told herself that she had been pregnant by a man who raped her. It wasn’t something she could wish away. She had to deal with reality.

“You ready?” Kate asked, stepping out of the office. After receiving nods from Buffy and Cordelia, she led them down a short hallway to an interrogation room. She sat on one side of the table and gestured for the other two women to sit across from her.

Buffy took a deep breath, pulling her jacket tighter around her, as she sat down. It felt good to have someone on her side with her. She was afraid that she would say the wrong thing and they wouldn’t let Spike go or they would try to lock her up again. She just wanted the two of them to go home.

“Okay, Buffy,” Kate said, turning on a small tape recorder. “I need you to tell me the events of tonight.”

Trying to stay as calm as possible Buffy recounted everything that happened from reading the medical reports to when the police arrived. When she was done she looked up at Kate expectantly. She was hoping this was all over with and they could leave.

“What is your relationship with William Nagle?” Kate asked, throwing Buffy off with the question.

“I don’t know,” Buffy muttered. “We’re…he’s helping me with some stuff and I’m staying with him at his place.”

“Are the two of you involved sexually?”

“What difference does that make?” Cordelia interrupted. “She’s told you what’s happened. Will’s told you. So why are you making a big deal out of this?”

“Actually we’re trying to help,” Kate said. “This was called in as a domestic disturbance. The terms of the relationship between the two parties are very important if there are any charges filed.”

“He didn’t hurt me,” Buffy said again. She was frustrated because no one was listening to her. “I don’t want him charged with anything.”

“I understand that,” Kate said gently. “I know you don’t know me from jack but it’s only going to help him if we have all the facts.”

Buffy looked at Cordelia who slipped her hand in hers.

“Go ahead, Buffy.”

“Yes,” Buffy said, unable to make eye contact with the officer across the table from her.

“Yes, you’re lovers?”

“Yes, we had sex,” Buffy bit out. “Earlier…before I read the reports.”

“Was it the first time?”

“Yes.”

“Whose idea was it? His or yours?”

“I went to him,” Buffy said, feeling her face flush. It had taken everything she had to take her clothes off and go into Spike’s bedroom. She had been so afraid that he would reject her or laugh at her. Having to share that moment with strangers was mortifying to her.

“Did something happen before that to make you go to him? Was there a conversation about sex or did he suggest it to you?”

Buffy shook her head. “I…I…wanted him. I wanted to be with him.”

“Okay,” Kate said. “I’ve only got one more question. When did you decide that you wanted to have sex with him? Was it part of you coming to Los Angeles or something that happened after you got here?”

“I don’t understand why this is important,” Buffy said, looking from Kate to Cordelia.

“I think I know why,” Cordelia said. “And I know this is hard.” She squeezed Buffy’s hand. “But just answer the last one then we can get Will and go home.”

It was the promise of being able to go home with Spike that got Buffy through the next few minutes. If Cordelia hadn’t said to do it then she wouldn’t have. She kept her eyes closed as she told her secrets.

“I’ve always…felt like a part of me belonged with him,” Buffy whispered. “He saved me. I used to have dreams of running away and he’d protect me forever. When I got here and I saw him again it was more than that. He was gentle…realer than any of my daydreams made him out to be. It scared me in some ways but he wouldn’t let me run away anymore. I knew that he would make it all right. Then last night we went down to the fitness room.” Her mind’s eye took her back to the time and place that she first felt like a real woman. “He was sitting on the bench, all hot and sweaty. I looked at him…at his…,” she blushed unable to continue.

“At his what, Buffy?” Kate prompted.

“Please, don’t make me do this,” Buffy begged as the victim and the woman collided. They were struggling for dominance over her personality and she didn’t want to deal…only hide from the truth.

“I need you to finish,” Kate said.

Buffy’s hand covered her eyes and she squeezed Cordelia’s hand with the other.

“I was staring at him and…I…kept going…looking between his legs, at the bulge, and I knew I wanted to be with him,” Buffy said, rushing through the last of it.

There was silence for a moment then the click of the tape recorder being turned off. Buffy dropped her hand when she heard a snort. Kate and Cordelia were both laughing…at her. Tears filled her eyes as she looked from one woman to the other. It was beyond mortification. There was something wrong with her and she started to stand but Cordelia was still holding onto her hand.

“Oh, honey,” Cordelia said, tugging her back down. “We’re not laughing at you. Not like that.”

“I’m bad, aren’t I?” Buffy asked. The confidence she had after talking to Spike had just dissipated completely.

“No, you’re not bad,” Kate said, shaking her head. “I think that makes you a perfectly normal, healthy woman.”

The tears were gone and Buffy couldn’t help the grin that appeared on her face.

“Come on,” Kate said. “You can wait back out there while this gets typed up and given to the Captain.”

Even knowing the Captain was going to read her words couldn’t dissuade Buffy from feeling good. She was normal. Someone didn’t think it crazy of her to want Spike. It was only when she saw him looking so dejected that the guilt returned. She had done this to him. She had disrupted his life. He didn’t even look up at them as they approached. He just stared down at the ground between his knees. He was sitting in the middle of the bench. She and Cordelia took a seat on either side of him.

“You doing okay?” Cordelia asked Will, running her fingers through his hair before dropping her hand to rub his back.

“Yeah, I’m surviving,” Spike said, leaning against his cousin’s wife.

Buffy couldn’t help the feeling of jealousy that shot through her. She looked away from them to stare at a spot on the floor. It was shaped like a mushroom. She concentrated on it while she tried to take herself away. The soft murmurs next to her though kept bringing her back. Why couldn’t she be comfortable with touching people? Why couldn’t she just accept that it was over and start to be normal again? Why couldn’t she be Buffy again? She had been so fearless before, foolishly thinking that life was going to be endless stream of parties, boyfriends, kisses, competitions and school. Now everything frightened her. He was always there waiting for her; a faceless monster lurking behind every corner just waiting to torment her again.

“Hey there, pet,” Spike said, pulling her against him. He kissed her temple bringing her back to the present. “It’s going to be over with soon.”

She nodded even though she didn’t believe him. Exhaustion screamed at her, emotionally and physically, and her head was aching. But she had to stay together. Knowing it would help her she wrapped her hand around his. He sighed when she did. It made her smile. Maybe it helped him too. Cordelia was still there with her arm around Spike. The three of them linked together as they waited. The jealousy was gone. She had been drawn into their circle.

Her eyes closed and she lost track of time. She drifted in and out of sleep until she heard someone clearing their throat. Sitting up she saw Captain Roberts motioning them into his office. Spike pulled her up when she hesitated. Cordelia gave her a comforting smile and feeling protected she brought her head up. They took chairs in front of the desk with Spike between them again. Kate and the other officer were there standing off to the side.

“Well, you two,” Captain Roberts said, looking from Spike to her then back to Spike. “You’ve both told the same story with very little variation. There’s no reason to hold either of you. So, you’re free to go.”

“Thank god,” Spike muttered, standing. “Cordy, would you take Buffy out for a minute?”

“Yeah, sure,” Cordy said.

“Spike?” Buffy asked, wondering what he couldn’t say in front of her. What secrets were they keeping from her?

“I promise,” Spike said, tilting her head up with his finger. “I’ll tell you everything when we’re out of here.”

It wasn’t easy to walk out of that office but she made a decision to trust him. He hadn’t let her down before. It was time to start letting go.

~~~~~~~

“Captain,” Spike started.

“Look, Nagle,” Roberts interrupted. “I’m going to be honest with you. As a cop and your superior it’s my duty to tell you that you’re walking a very thin line. Yes, Miss Summers is of legal age but she’s young. She’s been a mental patient for years and you were involved in the case that made her that way. Internal Affairs would have a field day with this if her mother finds out and starts pushing.”

“Yes, sir.”

“But as a man, I understand.”

Spike looked up, startled by the admission. His captain was sporting a small smile. Relief flooded him. If Buffy’s mother did try to make trouble for him then she wouldn’t have Captain Roberts help.

“Thank you,” Spike said, holding out his hand. “I appreciate your help.”

“Go on. Take her home,” Roberts said, gesturing toward the door after shaking Spike’s hand. “Keep the investigation part of this as close to proper procedure as possible. Not only for her but for the case if it comes to prosecution. Call me if you find anything.” He held up his hand. “I still don’t believe there’s someone else. But…and a very big but if you find something keep me informed.”

“Yes, sir,” Spike said again before turning away. He smiled at Buffy and Cordelia who were waiting for him. They both looked wiped out but for some reason the adrenaline was rushing through his body. He was ready to fight again, for Buffy, for himself, and for the girl they had yet to find.


to be continued…

Chapter 8





The elation that Spike felt at the police station had worn off by the time they returned to the apartment. Three hours sitting in the Emergency Room had sapped the last of his reserves. He was exhausted. After making sure the front door was locked he headed for his bedroom. His shoes were kicked off across the living room floor, his shirt was pulled off and thrown in the direction of the desk chair and he was already undoing the button on his jeans when he crossed the threshold of his room.

“I’m going to take a nap,” Spike called, turning to shut the door and found Buffy right behind him holding his shoes and shirt. He closed his eyes as he rolled his head but she was still there when he was done. She didn’t say anything but her eyes were speaking volumes. Stories about need, loneliness and taking risks and he knew it was his call. He could invite her in or turn her away.

His better judgment deserted him.

“Come on in, kitten.”

Without waiting to see what she would do Spike made his way to his bed. He sat down to pull his jeans off and was ready to just leave them on the floor but Buffy was waiting. He handed them to her then slid under the covers. She tossed them in the dirty clothes basket along with his shirt. His shoes were put away in the closet then she added her own to the neat row. Not caring if he was a voyeur he watched as she pulled her pants off and tossed them in the basket.

“May I borrow one of your t-shirts?” Buffy asked, playing with the hem of the one she was wearing. Spike glanced up at the row of shirts in the closet. She still had plenty of clean ones and she wore them all too big. Not wanting to make a big deal about it he told her to help herself. She glanced up at him and then almost defiantly she pulled her shirt over her head without turning away from his gaze. Her bra was next and wearing only her panties she closed the closet door before making her way to the dresser.

Buffy picked a navy blue t-shirt. He almost wished she wouldn’t and took one last look at the soft mounds of her breasts before she covered them up. He rolled to his side when she slid in beside him.

“Does it still hurt?” Spike asked, running his fingers lightly around the edges of her bandage. They had put two stitches in her forehead where she had hit it on the bathroom counter.

“Not too much.”

“Good.”

He smiled at her then let his eyes close. It was tense having her in his bed. The deal had been for her to sleep on the couch but last night had changed everything. His body wanted the feel of hers next to him. His heart wanted to hold her. And his mind was pulling a dictatorship by keeping him where he was. His little voice was telling that maybe he could come out of this unscathed if he did. He prayed that sleep would come quickly but it seemed no one was listening to him anymore. Fingertips danced around his chin then followed his goatee to the mustache above his lips.

“You don’t like it, do you?” Spike asked, forcing his eyes open.

“Unh uh,” Buffy said, with a smile. She dipped her eyes down. “It scratches.”

“Oh, yeah,” Spike said, leaning over to rub the beard across her cheek. She giggled and he let it trail across her lips. Her hand closed around his neck, pulling him to where she wanted him. She kissed him softly.

“I’m sorry,” Buffy whispered, holding him near. “I never meant to hurt you by coming here.”

“It’s okay,” Spike whispered back. All of a sudden he didn’t want to fight it anymore. “I knew the risks when I brought you here.”

She let him go.

“I’m sorry about…”

She rolled on her back.

“About what, pet?”

Spike followed her so that he was leaning over her.

“For getting out of bed last night,” Buffy said.

“It hurt.”

“I didn’t mean to hurt you but it seems it’s all I’ve done since I’ve been here.”

“Why did you leave?”

It was something he needed to know. Had it been him? Was she sorry that she had come to him? Was it her? Could he still reach her?

“I knew I disappointed you,” Buffy whispered. “I wanted to make you happy but I messed up. Everything was fine before…before we actually did it. It was you but then…no one’s been inside me except for him. I kept thinking about him and I…couldn’t be what you wanted me to be. Nothing went the way I thought it would. I was a failure and I didn’t think you wanted me to stay.”

“Oh, Luv,” Spike said, laying his head on her chest with his arm across her middle. “I don’t want you to be anything or anyone but you. Don’t be with me because you think it’s what I want.”

“I do want you.”

“Yeah, figured that,” Spike said with a grin. “It is kind of hard to resist me.”

She giggled again and slipped her hand down his back. It was good just to lie there and hold her. It was more comfortable, more honest than the sex they had only hours earlier. He wished they could stay like that and just drift to sleep but there was something else they hadn’t talked about.

“Buffy?”

Spike slipped away from her. He lay back on his side and was relieved when she followed suit. Their hands automatically entwined. They both wanted to be touching. Their emotional bonding was slipping into the inevitable physical bonds. He swore that the next time they made love, they would both be ready.

“You wanted to ask me something?” Buffy asked, squeezing his hand to bring him out of his thoughts.

“How are you dealing with the other? About the baby?”

Her eyes closed and then she blinked a few times.

“I understand why they did it,” Buffy said in a calm but almost expressionless voice. “And a part of me knows that I couldn’t have handled it but I hate that he was able to claim someone else. The baby was an innocent victim in this too. If I had to do it over and I was able to make a decision then I would probably have it. Give it up for adoption. Maybe something good would come out of it.”

“You’re something else,” Spike said. “It’s too bad you weren’t able to make a decision.”

“No one gave me a chance,” Buffy said. This time tears did slip down her face as her apparent decision to remain detached failed. She wiped them away with the heel of her hand. “You were the only one that treated me like I was still in there.”

“What do you mean?”

“I lost everything the day he took me.”

“You still have you…”

“Bullshit,” Buffy swore. It was the first time he had ever heard her curse. She pulled away from him and sat up. Scooting away she leaned against the headboard and crossed her arms. “I lost everything. No one treated me like I was even there. No one asked me anything.” She turned her head away from him. “You don’t want to hear this, do you?”

“Tell me.”

“I wanted you to stay with me,” Buffy said, running her fingers through his hair and gracing him with a tiny smile. “But I couldn’t get my mouth to say it. I was alone. They told me what they were going to do but they never asked. My hair was cut off with a pair of bandage scissors because it was so tangled. My fingernails were cut off into a little baggie for evidence.” She took a deep breath. “There wasn’t a part of my body that wasn’t scrapped or prodded for the rape kit. All I kept thinking while lying on that table was that I wanted to go home. Take a long bubble bath then sleep forever in my own bed with Mr. Gordo. He was a stuffed toy I got as a baby. But no one could see me anymore. I couldn’t find me. I couldn’t tell them what I was feeling because I was afraid I’d start screaming and never stop.”

“Come here, Buffy,” Spike said, opening his arms. “Let me hold you.”

She came to him curling into his side. He knew she wasn’t done yet but he didn’t want her to feel alone. Holding her tight, he waited until she was ready.

“I never went home,” Buffy whispered. “They sent me away. My parents couldn’t deal with my emotions. Nothing made sense. Sometimes I’d just cry and sometimes I was so angry that I took it out on whatever or whoever was handy. I refused to say anything. And most of the time I was just gone to this place where I was safe.” She sighed. “By the time that I found my way out I didn’t even have my home to go to. My parents had sold it and moved to Sunnydale. My new room still had my furniture but all the things I had hung on the walls…all the things that made it mine were still in boxes. There wasn’t anything left of me.”

“I still see you,” Spike whispered.

“I know you do.”

She uttered a small sigh, settled closer to him and he pulled the covers over them. It had been said. They had found the middle ground they needed and he was content as he let himself drift off to sleep.

~~~~~~~~~~

Spike was alone…again.

Hoping that he was wrong, he slid his hand across the expanse of the bed but found only emptiness. He couldn’t stop the heavy sigh of discontent at the confirmation. It shouldn’t really bother him. Rarely did he even let the women in his life spend the night. He didn’t want to be emotionally entangled. So, why did Buffy do this to him? When had she gotten through his defenses? She was only a kid he tried to tell himself.

Yeah, a kid you slept with…he thought even though he didn’t believe the lie.

There were the soft sounds of someone padding into the bedroom and he opened his eyes just as the mattress gave way under her weight.

“Hey,” Buffy said, perched on the edge of the bed with her hands folded in her lap.

“Hi.”

She was dressed with her hair flowing loose around her shoulders. Unable to stop himself he ran his fingers through the soft tresses. It was like liquid gold. A treasure he couldn’t keep. It was still damp from the shower she must have taken and she would surely bind it up shortly.

“I woke up and couldn’t go back to sleep,” Buffy said.

“That’s okay,” Spike said, letting his hand drop.

He turned his head to the living room when he heard several meowing sounds. He furrowed his brow as he looked questioningly up at Buffy.

“I put AOL on your computer so I could IM Willow. We’ve been talking.”

“Well, I guess you better go answer her.”

“Are you mad?”

In a way he was. She was getting to him. He was letting her. She was making herself too comfortable in his sanctuary. And once again he was letting her. It was him he was mad at though. He shook his head.

“No. I’m going to go and take a shower. I’ll be out in a minute.”

Buffy nodded then headed out to the living room. With another sigh, Spike grabbed some clean clothes before heading to the bathroom. The shower was a quick one. He only speeded through the necessities. Considered a quick wank to make himself feel better but decided against it. It would only confirm his need for her. That was a step he wasn’t ready for. But only a few minutes later he contradicted himself. Standing in front of the mirror he gave in.

Spike ran his fingers over his goatee and mustache.

It scratches…

He reasoned he could always grow it back when she was gone. If he did shave it off, did that mean he wanted to kiss her and hold her again? He did. The hero complex was giving way to the man who only saw a beautiful woman when he looked at Buffy.

Before he could change his mind he swiped his razor across his chin. It was done and when he was through he gazed at the man he had tried to hide. His fingers ran through his hair and he wondered if he’d end up blonde again by the time she left. Maybe she wasn’t getting through his defenses. Maybe she was knocking them down.

Spike pulled his clothes on then headed out to the living room. She was still sitting at the desk and he came up behind her to run his smooth chin across her cheek. She jerked away as soon as his hand touched her back. A startled look crossed her face then wonder replaced it. She reached out to run her fingers across his face. They stared at each for a moment then he kissed her. Not long just enough for her to be able to compare the sensations.

“Better?”

“Yeah,” Buffy said smiling. “Thank you.”

It seemed she was thinking about kissing him some more too. He tried to deny the surge of happiness it gave him but couldn’t.

“You’re welcome,” Spike said before heading into the kitchen.

“I made some tuna salad. It’s in the fridge if you want a sandwich.”

“Thanks,” Spike said over his shoulder. He pulled out the container and grabbed some bread. A soda was opened before he started to put his lunch together.

“I told Willow about your theory,” Buffy said.

“Which one was that, Luv?”

“You know the one where you said it sounded like the other girl had come willingly,” Buffy explained. “Because she was complaining about being brought to a hell hole.”

“Yeah,” Spike said, opening a bag of chips to dump on his plate. “What did Willow say?”

“She figures that maybe she was a runaway or something and that’s why no one knew she was gone.”

“Sounds good,” Spike said, sitting at the table so he was facing Buffy. “We probably need to search through the runaway databases and stuff.”

“Willow’s a wiz on the computer and she’s offered to help.”

“Where does she live?” Spike asked nonchalantly while staring at his food.

There was a pause before Buffy answered him.

“Here in Los Angeles.”

“So, why don’t you invite her over? It would make it easier, wouldn’t it?”

“It’s okay. I gave her the description and she’s going to email me the pictures of the girls that match.”

Stonewalled just like he knew he would be. Buffy was retreating again. It wasn’t that he really blamed her after the last couple of days but he couldn’t let her. She had to keep moving forward or she would never survive on her own.

“I think it would be easier if the two of you went through it together,” Spike said calmly. “It’s no big deal. We’ll have dinner then the two of you can work on it.”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Because I don’t want to have anyone else around today,” Buffy said, the pitch of her voice getting higher.

Spike stood and so did Buffy. He advanced and she backed up. He grabbed her arm and she wrenched it free.

“Don’t touch me,” Buffy cried before running for the bedroom. “Just leave me alone.”

“No, I won’t,” Spike said, catching the door before she could slam it shut. There wasn’t anywhere else for her to run to and she sat on the bed burying her face in her hands. He knelt at her feet. “Buffy, look at me.” She wouldn’t and he put his hands on her knees. “Pet, I know there’s been a lot going on in the last couple of days. I’m a little freaked by everything, too. But it’s my duty as your Jedi instructor to prepare you for the coming battles.”

“That wasn’t funny,” Buffy said, through her hands. “And it only shows what a nerd you are.”

“Yeah, but I’m right,” Spike said, sitting back. “You came here for my help so you could have a life. That life is going to include being around people. Wouldn’t it be easier to start socializing with people you already know?”

Buffy dropped her hands. “I’m scared. There’s so much going on inside my head that I feel like I’m going to explode.” She sniffled. “All I’m doing is crying anymore…”

“But you’re feeling again.”

“Yeah,” Buffy said with a nod. “I’m feeling too much and it’s so hard to process everything. I feel rushed and like everything is coming at me…so fast that I can barely see it before something else comes along.”

“Do you have a therapist you’ve been seeing since you got out?”

She shook her head. “I don’t want to see him anymore. He agrees with my parents.”

“Do you want to ask Cordy to find you someone?”

“I’m only going to be here a few days before I leave.”

“Yeah, you are,” Spike agreed with regret. He tucked her hair behind her ear. “So, we need to get you ready. I promise I won’t let anything happen to you and I’ll be here to make sure you’re okay.”

“Determined, aren’t you?”

“Told you I’m like a bulldog,” Spike said, grinning. “So, are you ready for socializing 101?”

“I guess,” Buffy said. “But don’t blame me if I flunk.”

“Never,” Spike said, pulling on her hands. “You’ve got the best teacher in the world.”

“Oh, yeah, you’re a good one to talk,” Buffy said over her shoulder as she headed back into the living room. “Mr. I don’t let anyone inside my head or my bed for more than an hour.”

I let you…


to be continued…

Chapter 9



The small apartment was spotless, down to even the DVDs and video games being dusted. Spike had been sent with a detailed list to the grocery store. His time there was spent on his cell phone with Buffy to make he got exactly what she wanted. There was potato salad chilling in the refrigerator, beans baking in the oven and chicken marinating in barbecue sauce. The menu was his suggestion because it could be prepared ahead of time. No chance of last minute catastrophes.

Now they were waiting. Buffy was on the other side of the couch from him while he watched a rerun of Knight Rider. She kept counting on her fingers and glancing at the clock. He hoped Willow was on time because he was beginning to seriously think Buffy would spontaneously combust if their guest didn’t get there soon.

“Do you think there’s enough food?” Buffy asked, staring into the kitchen.

“Everything is fine.”

“Maybe…”

“Buffy,” Spike said, putting his hand on her arm. “It’s okay.”

She sighed as she pulled her legs up and wrapped her arms around them. Her eyes turned to the television but he knew she wasn’t really watching. She was wherever she went when she zoned out. It would only take a call of her name or a touch to bring her back but he wondered what it was like wherever she was. Was it better than the world she found herself in? It had to be. Someplace she created where she wasn’t hurt, lies weren’t told to keep her in the dark, and she wasn’t frightened of everything. He wanted to take care of her, make everything better but he knew he couldn’t.

A brief conversation with Cordelia that afternoon had made him the recipient of a stern lecture. Buffy had to do it on her own. He had to push her to her limits. And he couldn’t let himself be the center of her life. He couldn’t be the hero. Otherwise it would only create a dependency that would eventually destroy both of them and whatever relationship they had. Logically it all made sense but his heart wanted to wrap Buffy up and never let her go. She made him believe in the strength of the human spirit again and he never wanted her to lose that determination to overcome what she had been through.

So, he stayed where he was. Staring at the same screen she did with the same amount of attention given. Neither of them moved until there was a knock on the door. They both jumped up and he heard Buffy take a deep breath. She nodded to let him know she was ready. He opened the door with her standing slightly behind him. The woman he was expecting to see wasn’t there. Instead a tall brunette man was filling the doorway. Spike’s arm automatically went up to push Buffy behind him even before he heard her small gasp. He felt her hand wrap around his belt as she moved out of sight.

Spike was about to ask who it was when he saw an elfish face topped with bright red hair peek around from behind the man at his door. She seemed almost as cautious as Buffy.

“Hi there,” the brunette said. “I’m sorry for surprising you.” He put his hand out to Spike. “I’m Xander, Willow’s husband. I hope it’s not too much that I’ve come along. Will got your address but not the phone number and,” he shrugged. “Buffy hasn’t been signed on all day to ask but I wasn’t going to let Willow come alone.”

“I understand,” Spike said, shaking the man’s hand. “I would have done the same thing. Come on in.”

“Hi, I’m Willow,” the red head said, following Xander into the apartment. She fixed Buffy with a smile. “You must be Buffy.”

“Hi,” Buffy said, but didn’t offer her hand. She kept glancing up at Xander with a nervous expression.

“Hey, mate,” Spike said to Xander. “I’m in charge of the grill tonight. Hope you all like chicken.”

“Who doesn’t?” Xander asked with a laugh.

“Good then. Why don’t you and I head out to the patio and leave the women to talk?”

Spike knew he had done the right thing when Buffy flashed him a relieved look. Hopefully without them around Buffy would find the friendship the two women had over the internet. Hurrying, he grabbed drinks for the two of them and the pan with the chicken in it before leading Xander out to the patio. Spike glanced back to see that Buffy had started to move and was in the kitchen getting drinks for Willow and herself. He breathed a sigh of relief.

“It’s okay,” Xander said, making himself comfortable in one of the chairs. “Don’t worry about it. Willow’s been where Buffy is so she understands the nervousness.”

Not wanting to appear too nosy, Spike busied himself with getting the chicken onto the grill. Once it was arranged he took a seat next to the other man.

“Buffy said that she met Willow through a support group,” Spike said, lighting a cigarette.

“Yeah, there’s a chat room where it seems there’s always someone to talk to,” Xander said, staring into the apartment at the women. “Willow still has trouble sleeping sometimes and Buffy was always on in the middle of the night.”

“I didn’t know she couldn’t sleep,” Spike said, thoughtfully. “No one’s mentioned that to me.”

Xander gave him a funny look then gave a nervous laugh. “That’s right; you haven’t been in Buffy’s life long. She wasn’t up in the middle of the night because she couldn’t sleep. She was up then because she didn’t have to worry about anyone knowing.”

“Did her damn parent’s do anything to help her?” Spike burst out angrily. The more he heard the more he wanted to let the Summers’ know how he really felt.

“Don’t put all the blame on them.”

“Why the bloody hell not?”

The other man shrugged as he played with the tab on his soda can. “Look, I only know what Will’s told me. Buffy…,” he sighed. “Buffy knew what she needed otherwise she wouldn’t have been in the chat room to begin with. It seems like she didn’t really fight with her parent’s for it. They’re trying to deny what happened because they can’t deal and Buffy is letting them. You know, trying to protect them.”

“Buffy’s a child…god damn it,” Spike said, realizing what he said. He glanced at Xander and knew it hadn’t gone unnoticed. There was a wisdom in those brown eyes of someone who had been through it all. “No, she’s not, is she?”

“You would know.”

No secrets. Buffy would have wanted to talk to someone. Confide in someone and she probably wasn’t comfortable talking to Cordelia. So, it would have been Willow. Spike shook his head.

“I care about her.”

“I know,” Xander said. “And I’m not judging. Our place is a hard one to be in. You love them. You’re pissed off because someone hurt them, you want to punish the person who did it and protect her. All the while knowing you’ve already failed. Sometimes you hold onto too much and sometimes you’re not there enough.” He gave that nervous laugh again. “All you can do is your best because no matter what you do you can’t make it all right again.”

“How long has it been since Willow…?”

“Almost six years,” Xander said, shifting his gaze to Spike. “We grew up together. There isn’t a time in my life that I don’t remember her being there. She was the brain and I was the goof but it worked between us. Always just friends though because she was going to leave to go to college. Harvard was her dream and she got it. No problems, that’s how smart she is. Me, I started working in a garage putting cars back together. At first I heard from her all the time, emails, phone calls, letters, then nothing. She came home for Thanksgiving and I knew something was wrong.”

“Date rape?” Spike asked softly because he already knew. Statistics were horrible for the exact scenario that Xander was weaving.

“Yeah, kind of,” Xander said, leaning forward. “She was going to join a sorority. There was a big party. Willow was never one for drinking. Two frat boys took her upstairs and…” He stopped. His hand went to cover his eyes in an attempt to hide the tears that were welling up.

“You don’t have to say anything else.”

“She hadn’t told anyone, hadn’t reported it and by the time she came home she was a ghost of the girl I knew.”

“At least she had you,” Spike said. He stood to check on the chicken giving the other man a chance to pull it back together. It seemed the club that he was in was even bigger than he thought. He glanced in at the two women curled up on the couch talking. Buffy wasn’t alone anymore. It made him feel better knowing there were other people to help her. And suddenly he felt better knowing there was someone who understood him, too.

~~~~~~~~

“He’s really good looking,” Willow said, leaning over to take another look at Spike. “Is he good to you?”

“We’re not a couple,” Buffy said.

“You’ve said that but you two act like one.”

“It’s only temporary. I’m here for a week to try and find the other girl then I leave.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Willow said, with a grin. “I won’t argue anymore and will willingly change the subject. Now about this search we’re doing, have you jotted down what you think she looks like?”

Buffy nodded. “There’s not a lot of details but, yeah, I have.”

“Anything is good. We’ll start with National Center for missing kids website. Their search engine let’s you put in details like hair color and stuff.”

“You already looked into this, didn’t you?” Buffy asked, feeling guilty because she’d been avoiding it. It was a way of getting back at Spike for forcing her into this dinner. Now, sitting here with Willow she realized that she’d been wrong, not only about this dinner but to play those games with Spike. Going into denial stubborn mode had been a way to get back at her mother when Joyce tried to make her do something. Immature maybe but she justified it with the fact she didn’t have a lot to fight back with.

“Isn’t that what you wanted me to do?” Willow asked, cocking her head. “I mean…”

“No, no,” Buffy stopped her. “I…I know that it’s something we…Spike and me, could have figured out on our own. But I really appreciate you offering to help.”

“I want to. I know how much you went through to get here and I want you to find out for sure. Besides any reason for us to finally meet, right?” Willow said. “So, it’s all of the good.”

Buffy agreed.

~~~~~~~


Settling back down into his chair, Spike glanced over at Xander who gave him a sheepish smile.

“Thanks for not freaking out about the mini breakdown,” Xander joked.

“Ah, it’s okay,” Spike said, with a brief chuckle. It wasn’t like he hadn’t shed some tears over Buffy’s ordeal. “If you can’t cry over them then who can you cry over?”

“True, very true,” Xander agreed with a nod. He hesitated before speaking again. “So, you want to hear the rest of this?”

“Yeah.”

Spike wasn’t just being polite. Willow’s story and Xander’s part in it was like a lifeline being offered to him. He hoped that in the tale were some other things that would make him feel like he wasn’t mucking everything up.

“After Willow told me everything, she told her parents. There wasn’t a lot of support there,” Xander glanced up at Spike. “I think it’s one of the reasons the two of them bonded so well, parental denial. I stepped in, quit my job and went back to school with her. I slept on the floor of her dorm room just so I could walk her back and forth to class.”

“How long did that go on?” Spike asked, lighting another cigarette. He was surprised when Xander held his hand out for one but he didn’t say anything. It had to be ripping the guy’s heart out to be sharing all this so he gave him one.

“Not long,” Xander said, lighting his cigarette. He coughed as he inhaled then waved his hand. “I used to smoke, believe it or not.” He contemplated the cigarette for a moment. “Probably should have left it alone.”

“And I should quit but,” Spike said, shrugging.

“But what the hell, we only live once,” Xander agreed with a laugh. “Well, Willow finally reported it to school authorities but there wasn’t much they could do. It was a case of she said, he said, with no physical evidence or witnesses but it was noted in the records. It was like everybody knew though, they were all talking and finally she broke down. All she wanted was to come home where she felt safe so we packed up and came home.”

“When did the two of you get together?” Spike asked turning the flame down. He needed to hear the rest of this and knew it wasn’t a conversation that would ever be repeated.

“The administration helped Willow get into UCLA right away by smoothing over any red tape for the immediacy of the request. She started that January and I was able to get my job back. I explained it to my boss and he understood. By May I had found us an apartment near campus and we moved in. I was still giving her rides and watching out for her at night. We settled into routines, still friends, she with school, me with work, and she finally started going to a group at the school. One night we got back…and she told me she didn’t want to be afraid anymore…that she wanted to know what it could be like.”

“Did it…was it…?” Spike started to ask but stopped. He knew the statistics. His head knew that Buffy’s rejection wasn’t really him. Had heard the stories but it was like Buffy had said. They were words on paper.

“Good? Oh, god, we didn’t get all our clothes off before Willow started crying her eyes out and I just held her for the longest time. It was then I knew I had always been in love with her. The next day I asked her if we could date. We did and finally after three months of kissing and trying it happened. We found the passion; got married six months after that and now I wait.”

“Wait? Sounds like the two of you got it together,” Spike said, relief flooding him. A twinge of hope was starting to flourish in his heart but before he could analyze it, he had something else to think about it.

‘Yeah, I wait,” Xander said. “I wait for her to realize that she’s only with me because I’m safe and that there’s a whole world out there that she hasn’t tried yet. That one day she’ll tell me she’s sorry but she wants to see what she’s been missing out on.” They were both silent for a few moments then he turned to Spike. “Buffy is only here long enough to find this girl?”

“A week,” Spike said, glancing up at Xander. “I took a week off to help her.”

“What happens if you haven’t finished yet? Or if Buffy doesn’t want to go?”

“Then I guess I end up waiting too,” Spike said, with a laugh. “Chicken’s done. Let’s eat.”

~~~~~~~

It was close to midnight and Buffy could see the frustration was wearing on everyone. Xander was snoring on the couch while Spike and she flanked Willow at the computer. The National Center database had offered nothing that in any way triggered Buffy’s memory of the other girl. They had gone through several other sources with still nothing to offer.

After Buffy had once again gone through what she did remember, Xander had suggested that maybe the girl was a runaway. Maybe a throwaway kid that no one even wanted, much less wanted back enough to report her missing. It was pretty evident that Xander knew how that would feel. After that Buffy felt more comfortable around him. Besides Willow adored him so he had to be a good man. Like Spike was.

Now they were going through police mug shots hoping to find something. Hoping she had been picked up for something. It was almost futile but her friends kept trying. Maybe it was time to call a halt. Let everyone catch some sleep.

“There’s still a lot to go through,” Buffy said. “Why don’t we call a halt and I’ll continue in the morning?”

“Its fine, Buffy,” Willow said. “I want to keep going. Tomorrow’s Saturday so we don’t need to be up in the morning.”

“How about coffee?” Spike suggested, standing up and stretching.

“Sounds good,” Buffy said, smiling up at him. Something caught her eye and she looked back at the monitor just as Willow clicked for the next page. “Go back, Will.”

“Did you see something?” Spike asked, leaning down between the two women.

“Yeah, I think so,” Buffy said, fidgeting as she waited for the computer to load the page. She blinked a couple of times as she stared at the small photo. With her hand trembling she pointed to a picture in the middle of the screen. “Enlarge it.”

The record moved to its own page. The mug shot taking up a quarter of the page with the information around it. Her name was Faith Monroe. Her arrest record covered being picked up for loitering, prostitution and petty theft. In disbelief that she had found the missing girl, Buffy continued to read. Her date of birth showed her to be five years older than Buffy and the last arrest had been three months prior to the kidnapping. She had an outstanding warrant issued for missing her last court appearance…a week after Buffy disappeared.

“Oh, my god, it’s her,” Buffy whispered. “It’s really her.”

“Are you sure?” Spike asked, putting his hand on her shoulder. “You have to be certain.”

“Yes, it’s her…those eyes, oh god,” Buffy cried, turning to Spike. Flashes were going through her mind of what she had remembered but now there was more. The screams were more focused and the blood, she could almost feel it’s warm stickiness on her hands.

“It’s okay, pet, its okay,” Spike said, wrapping his arms around her tight.

“You did it,” Willow said, standing and holding her arms out.

Buffy didn’t think, only reacted, reaching out to the other woman for a hug. They were both laughing and crying, sharing the victory together. Buffy felt vindicated. The other girl that no one believed existed had a face and a name. It was almost like a part of her coming back to reality. She wasn’t crazy. She hadn’t split to save herself. There really was someone else.

But it wasn’t over with.

“Now what?” Buffy asked, letting go of her friend and turning to Spike.

“Now, we email this to Roberts,” Spike said. “Start a new file and start trying to figure out what happened to her.”

“Okay,” Buffy nodded.

Xander stirred on the couch and looked up at them. “Did I miss something?”

“Yeah, but its okay,” Willow said, pulling his hand to get him to stand up. “I’ll explain on the way home. It’s time for us to leave now that this part of the mission is accomplished. Thank you for everything.”

“Thank you,” Buffy said, giving her a hug.

“I want to see you again before you leave,” Willow said. “Okay?”

Buffy nodded. They hugged again and she even shook Xander’s hand. It had been a good night and she felt better than she had in forever. Once the door was closed behind them, she turned to launch herself into Spike’s arms again.

“Thank you, thank you, thank you for believing in me,” Buffy said, kissing his cheek. “You’ll never know what this means to me.”

“No need to thank me,” Spike said, hugging her tight. “You’re easy to believe in.”

Was she? Or was he being only kind? For a moment Buffy buried her nose in his neck, inhaling the scent that was only him.

…but you two act like one.

And she wondered if he would wait for her…to get it together…to grow up, but it wasn’t fair to him. None of this was and she lowered herself to the ground again. She refused to look him in the eye and excused herself to take a shower. It was an excuse but it would give the rioting butterflies in her stomach time to calm down.

Maybe tomorrow things would be easier…



to be continued…

Chapter 10




She was floating on a big, fluffy white cloud. Although it was warm and safe there was something off that was disturbing her slumber. Buffy started to wiggle around trying to the perfect spot so she could return to her dreams. A hand settled on her hip to slow her motions. It slid down her belly to curl around her waist, pulling her back against a hard yet comfortable body. She sighed in contentment at having found the missing element. It was her new happy place, she decided.

The body curled so perfectly behind her shifted slightly so that there was something hard pressed against her bottom. She knew what it was. The nightmare had found her again. She tried to stifle the whimper but it must have escaped, because a drowsy voice broke through her fear.

“Shush, it’s all right. Go back to sleep.”

It was Spike.

She was safe and her body began to relax. He kissed her shoulder before burying his nose in her hair again. He pulled the comforter higher over their shoulders, cocooning them from the world. Buffy settled in and was willing her body to go back to sleep. This was too nice to interrupt even for her bladder that wanted release. She decided she could hold it a little longer. Fingers gently tickled her stomach making her want to giggle.

Ordering herself to stay perfectly still, she cataloged every sensation to memory. The breath on the back of her neck, his toenails jabbing the bottom of her feet, the hands holding her close, the way she curved into his body and even the erection pressing into her. It was all Spike and for the moment it was hers. A part of her wanted to turn over so they could make love. But the part of her that was scared was bigger so she didn’t move, feeling both grateful and frustrated because Spike had too much honor to initiate physical contact between them.

Buffy let her mind drift to the night she did have the courage to go to him. A warm feeling came over her as she remembered the kisses, the caresses, the feel of his tongue and hands. His pleads to give her pleasure echoed in her mind. She had no doubts that he could if she let him. She started to think maybe she could roll over but before she could do anything about, the phone rang. Her eyes flew open as she cursed the ill timed interruption.

“Damn it,” Spike muttered, rolling over and fumbling for it. “Yeah, Nagle here.” He paused as his body tensed next to Buffy’s. “Good morning, Mrs. Summers. Yeah, she’s here. Let me get her for you.”

Buffy moved onto her back, staring up at the phone Spike held out. She knew she had to take it. What she wanted didn’t matter anymore. It would only make things worse for her and Spike if she didn’t. She had to show herself to be a grownup and perfectly capable of making mature decisions for her life. No histrionics or tantrums that would give her mother ammunition to force her home. She took the receiver and after giving Spike one last look she closed her eyes as she brought it up to her ear.

“Hello, mom.”

“Hi, Buffy, I’ve been worried about you. Are you all right?”

“Yes,” Buffy said, sitting up. “I’m fine.” She watched Spike as he made his way to the bathroom. She wished he had stayed with her. It was always easier when he was around.

“You haven’t returned my phone calls,” Joyce said, in a parental disappointment tone. “Did you get the messages?”

“I’ve been busy,” Buffy lied. “I’m sorry if I upset you.”

“Detective Nagle stopped calling me, too.”

“I asked him not to talk to you.”

“Why?” Joyce asked.

Her mother’s sigh of frustration was easily audible over the phone. It made Buffy defensive even though she had no reason to be. If only she had been a good girl and listened to her all her mother’s warnings, maybe she would be graduating this year with her class. She covered her face with her hand as she tried to quiet the rapid beating of her heart.

“Mom, I know about your plan to try to bring me home,” Buffy said, taking a deep breath. She didn’t want to play games. Everything was easier to deal with if it was spelled out. “If you want to know something about what I’m doing then please talk to me. Not to Spike or to Captain Roberts.”

“Spike?”

“It’s William’s nickname,” Buffy said absently as she made her way into the living room. She had heard Spike go out through the other bathroom door. He was making coffee so she took a seat on the couch.

“You’re calling him Spike now?”

“Yes, it’s what everybody calls him.”

“What’s going on there, Buffy? Is he responding to your crush?” Her mother sounded almost panicked as she rattled off her questions. “Has he done anything to you?”

“I’m not a child, Mom. And it’s really none of your business,” Buffy told her calmly. “I don’t appreciate you asking.”

“Buffy, you’ve barely been out of the house,” Joyce said sternly. “You have no idea of how to take care of yourself…how men are.”

“I think I do.”

“It’s not going to be like when you were…before,” Joyce said, softly. “He’s a man not a boy. I don’t think you understand…”

“I’m fine, Mom,” Buffy said, interrupting her before she could get a lecture on sex. “Please don’t, okay?”

“Look, if you’re that insistent on going to college then you can go to UC Sunnydale. You can live at home where we can protect you and make sure you’re all right.”

“No, I need to stay here,” Buffy said. “We found out who she is, Mom. Her name is Faith Monroe. I need to finish this before I make a decision about what I want to do next. But it will be my decision not yours. So, don’t try to take me to court because I’ll fight you and when I win, I won’t ever speak to you again.”

“Don’t threaten me, young lady.”

“Then don’t threaten me. I love you and appreciate everything you’ve done but it’s my life now. And I have to finish this. Now I need to go.”

She hung up the phone without giving her mother a chance to respond. It was only going to escalate into a fight. A fight that neither of them could win but both could lose.

“Here, pet,” Spike said, putting a mug in front of her. “It’s hot chocolate.”

“Thank you,” Buffy said, taking it with a smile. The rich treat smelled good and it was loaded down with lots of marshmallows. She waited to take a sip until he settled on the couch next to her. “Mmmm, it’s perfect, Spike.” She sighed as she looked over the rim at him. “I don’t want to fight with her, you know, but she keeps trying to find something wrong with me and what I’m doing.”

“Not doing anything wrong, Luv” Spike said. “You did good while you were talking to her. You told her how you felt without getting defensive or angry. It showed maturity.”

It was one of those times that Spike was in his teacher mode. Although she appreciated him helping her and getting her back into life, sometimes she just wanted him to be a friend. Frustrated, she became flip and said the first thing that came to her mind.

“Why thank you, oh Jedi instructor, do I get a cookie for being a good girl?”

His reaction was instantaneous when he caught the sarcasm of her tone. His brows met in a sharp incline over his nose and his head tilted to the side. He gave her a look that was meant to curl her insides but she refused to back down.

“So, sorry for trying to help,” Spike said. “Next time you come begging for help I’ll remember that it’s not welcome.”

Buffy sighed. “I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. You make me feel like a child when you talk to me like that. And I don’t want you to see me that way.”

The eyebrows parted and one went flying up. “Oh, that’s even better. You think I look at you like you’re a child? After the other night?”

“I don’t know,” Buffy said. She put her drink down with a thump. “How do you see me? Am I just a charity case? A problem you have to solve? An ego boost? A potential girlfriend? What?”

Spike’s head dropped onto the couch. His eyes closed. “I don’t know, Buffy. Honestly I haven’t figured it out yet. I just know that I have to help you get back on your feet.” He laughed and opened his eyes to look into hers. “And believe me I know that you’re a woman.”

She dropped her gaze to the couch as a flush filled her face. His words had sent a streak of desire through her and like him; she wasn’t sure what to do with it.

“So,” Buffy said, smiling. “Do I get that cookie?”

Spike laughed and reached over to rumple her hair. “No, only good girls do. Not sarcastic ones with big mouths. But I was thinking of us maybe taking a break.”

“A break? What kind of break?” Buffy asked suspiciously.

“I thought you trusted me? I’m hurt.”

“Please…I do but…”

“I thought that maybe we could get out of here for a few hours,” Spike said using the calm voice. “The last couple of days have been pretty intense. I know I could use a little fresh air and change of scenery.”

“I don’t know,” Buffy said, nibbling on her bottom lip. “You can go if you want.”

“A ride, Buffy,” Spike said. “You, me and the tank on the open road. I promise no unexpected lessons or anything.”

“You promise?”

“Just said I did.”

“Okay, then,” Buffy said.

Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad to be outside. To be somewhere where she didn’t have to think, or push herself, where she could relax, enjoy being with Spike. It was beginning to sound great as she headed off to get dressed.


~~~~~~~~

The day was perfect for a ride. It wasn’t too hot but the sun was still shining bright with hardly any clouds. Buffy was actually looking forward to being outside even if she wasn’t going to do anything but ride in a car. It seemed like forever since she had really taken the time to look at anything new or even familiar outside her home. There she knew every tree, every bush and even the curve of the grass growing around the sidewalk. With Spike she had the security to try new things, to push against her fears, and to just be Buffy.

They had stopped on the way out of town to fill the Desoto with gas. She was waiting in the car while Spike pumped the gas. The way he was talking earlier she knew he was planning on being gone for a few hours. Thinking back to the rides she used to take when she was younger, her mom always brought a cooler with snacks along. Wanting to relive something that had been fun, she scooted across the seat and leaned out the driver’s window.

“Spike,” Buffy said, breaking his attention away from the pump. He glanced over at her or rather she assumed he did. He was wearing mirrored sunglasses that only showed her reflection when she looked at him. “Can we get something to drink? And maybe some chips or something?”

“Yeah, sure,” Spike said, turning back to the pump. “Do you need cash?” He asked in an offhanded manner that made Buffy tense up. Surely he didn’t expect her to go in and get it? Buffy eyed the small store, shaking her head, deciding she didn’t want anything that bad.

“I don’t want to go in,” Buffy said softly. “It’s okay. I don’t need it”

“Sorry,” Spike said, before she could retreat into the car again. “I’ll go if you want. I said no lessons and no pressure. Let me finish with the gas, okay?”

It made her feel guilty that Spike was always doing stuff for her. Buffy turned back to the small store again. It couldn’t be dangerous, could it? It was broad daylight…no, that wouldn’t work as an argument. She had been kidnapped in daylight. It was small. It wasn’t that busy and besides Spike was right there. He wouldn’t let anything happen to her. Besides she was going to have to do these things on her own eventually or she may as well pack up and go home.

Taking a deep breath, she stepped out of the car.

“I’ll go,” Buffy said, trying to stop the trembling in her hands.

“Buffy,” Spike said, waiting until she met his gaze before continuing. “Keep looking to your right and left while on the way there. You always want to see who is around you. Check the reflection to see if anyone is following you in. Once you’re in there, scan the store as soon as you step in. See who’s in there, who makes you nervous, who looks safe, keep looking up. On the first sweep, spot where the sodas and the snacks are, that way you’re not wandering around. Show confidence.”

It was one of those times when she was grateful he was in teaching mode. It showed he understood what she was going through and it gave her the extra nudge she needed. She patted her pocket where the pepper spray was, put her head up, took the money that Spike held out, glanced around the parking lot then headed for the store. Halfway there she remembered that she hadn’t asked him what he wanted but she didn’t want to go back. She reassured herself with the fact she knew what he had at the apartment to munch on. All she had to do was get stuff she knew he liked and it would be fine.

Only one other person besides the cashier was revealed in her quick scan of the market. That person, an elderly man, was on the opposite side from where the sodas were and Buffy took an immediate left toward the coolers. She selected a couple of bottles of water and some soda then turned toward the snack aisle. One more look around the store before she debated over the choices. Not being able to make up her mind right away, she grabbed several different kinds of chips then some candy bars before turning to make her way to the cashier.

Halfway there the door opened and four teenage boys came in. They were talking loud, almost shouting out their conversation about heading out to the beach. Buffy tried to scoot around them but they were coming straight for her. Fear flashed through her and she froze.

Please, please, leave me alone, please, don’t come near me…

Buffy forgot about what Spike had told her. She ducked her head. She forgot about the pepper spray and even that if she screamed Spike would be there. She stood there and trembled, watching their feet as they came closer to her. They parted when they reached her, moving to go around her. One of them jostled her, knocking a bag of chips from her arms. She wanted to cry as panic filled her eyes with tears and a soundless scream echoed in her mind.

“Here, miss, you dropped this,” one of the boys said, perching the bag on her pile again.

Buffy nodded, unable to voice anything.

“You okay?” the boy asked, leaning down to look at her. “You don’t look so good. Is that your boyfriend out there by that cool car?”

She nodded.

“You want me to get him for you?”

She looked up. He wasn’t going to hurt her. He was concerned about her. She took a deep breath and tried to will the anxiety away.

“No, I’m fine,” she whispered. “I…just…”

“It’s cool, don’t worry. My name is Pedro. My sister gets a little tense sometimes, too. Here let me help you.”

He loaded up her purchases and took them over to the cashier. “You take care of yourself, okay?”

“Thank you,” Buffy managed to get out as she nodded her head. She glanced out to where Spike was watching her and smiled.

Maybe things were going to be okay after all.


to be continued…

Chapter 11



Dutifully, Spike opened his mouth so Buffy could put a chip in his mouth. She’d been feeding him on and off since they left the gas station. He wasn’t quite sure why she thought she couldn’t leave the opened bag on the seat for him to get them himself. But it seemed that the Buffy he was in the company of this afternoon wasn’t the Buffy he was used to. This Buffy seemed almost like a typical teenager, a very young teenager, as she sipped soda and ate potato chips like it was her last meal. Early on she had changed the radio station to pop and every once in awhile she’d hum along to Britney or Justin. It was all annoying to him.

He wondered if this was the real Buffy and he had deluded himself to her maturity level. This girl was way too young for him because she was giving him the beginnings of a migraine with her antics. He glanced over at her. Once again she was eyeing the ocean with a hungry look. He’d already ascertained that she used to be quite the beach fanatic in her early teen days. A friend of hers, their family had a beach house, and she’d spent quite a few weekends there. It had to have been a happy time in her life.

And maybe that was why she was acting the way she was.

Trying to recapture the feel of the days when everything was just plain fun. He sighed. It was always a riddle with her but the answers were easy if you took the time.

“Do you want to stop and take a walk?” Spike asked, watching her reaction carefully.

Her eyes flew open then shuttered again. Her body went stiff as she vigorously shook her head no. Shrugging he let it go for the moment. There was a spot ahead along the highway where he knew the beach would be virtually deserted. The isolation should hopefully give her the confidence to tackle yet another fear.

Buffy turned up the radio, keeping her eyes fixated on the road before them, and didn’t say a word. He let it go and continued to drive along in a pop music induced haze. Finally he spotted the turnoff he wanted to take. She still didn’t say anything when he pulled off onto the small road. It couldn’t really be called a road. It was just a small break in the dunes which led to a place where you could park the car and watch the ocean. It was sort of a lover’s lane that somehow everyone knew about.

“What are you doing?” Buffy asked with a trace of panic behind her words.

“Looking at the ocean,” Spike said as nonchalantly as he could, stopping the car. He opened his window. “I needed some fresh air. My head is starting to hurt.”

“Oh,” Buffy said, settling back down. The chips and soda were put away though and her jacket pulled tight around her.

Spike pretended to close his eyes but continued to watch her. She was staring with such longing at the beach that it hurt even him. Every once in awhile she would sit up to look around but then she’d sigh and lean back again. He was beginning to think he should just give up and head for home when she patted his arm.

“Spike, do you think we could go down there?” Buffy asked in a small trembling voice.

“Yeah,” he answered, stretching like she’d woken him. “Let’s go.”

Spike took her hand to lead her down the path to the beach. It was a little rocky and steep at points. She seemed grateful. Her hand holding tight to his until they were level with the ocean. She dropped his hand and seemed to disappear within herself. Not wanting to pressure her any, he sat on the sand just out of reach of the waves. It seemed like she didn’t even notice as she looked around at their surroundings. They were isolated with the small cliff behind them and rocks running from it to the ocean on either side of them about a quarter to half a mile down.

“There’s no one around,” Buffy said aloud but Spike knew she wasn’t talking to him. She sat next to him to remove her boots and roll her pants legs up. He smiled at the bright pink polish on her toes. It was the only place that she let herself be the girl she used to be. Unable to resist he ran his finger along her toes. “Are they chipped?” She asked, putting her feet out to inspect them.

He laughed because it was such a woman thing to assume. It made her seem more normal even if he hated putting it in those terms.

“No, pet, they’re fine. I just think they’re pretty that’s all.”

“Thank you,” she told him then with a deep breath stood again.

Spike grew silent again as she made her way to the ocean. Buffy stood and watched the waves roll over her feet as if she had never seen it before. She wiggled her toes then dug them into the sand with a look of awe on her face. Finally she squatted, putting her hands in the water and turning her face skyward. She looked every bit a child that was just discovering the world around them.

It touched his very soul as he watched her. For the first time he knew without a doubt that she would find her way in the world. She was made for sunshine and light, not the deep, dankness of hell. In time she wouldn’t even think twice about leaving home. Laughter would replace the sadness. He hoped that he would be there to see the woman she would become.

“Hey,” Buffy said, returning to him. She fell to her knees between his feet with her hands on his arms.

“Hey, yourself.”

There was a trace of a smile on her face and he returned it. She took his sunglasses from his face, letting them hang between her fingers. For a minute or two she stared into his eyes. Never breaking, holding him under her spell, as his world tilted on its axis.

“May I kiss you?” Buffy asked, barely above a whisper.

“I wish you would.”

He opened his arms so that she could crawl closer to him. The first brush of her lips was tentative. She pulled back, letting her breath caress his face before she pressed her mouth against his again. It was her discovering the joy of physical touch again and he let her lead the way. Quick, slow, tongue, no tongue, a pause then the hunger was between them again. It was inevitable. Their bodies already knew what the other could offer. He grasped her under the arms, pulling her back gently, leading her down to the sand. She was sprawled on top of him, their legs entwined, and her fingers holding his face. Afraid of scaring her, he left one hand on her lower back and the other across his stomach.

It took him back to the days when he first discovered girls. You knew you weren’t going to get sex, so you’d take what you could and enjoy it. And he did. Every sweep of her tongue, the gentle sucking of his bottom lip, her breasts pressed to his chest, and the pressure of her sex against his hip. His body gave him away. His erection pushed against her, begging for attention. She drew back.

“It’s okay, pet.”

Buffy buried her face against his neck while they regained control of their breathing. She shuddered and he wrapped his arms around her, holding her tight.

“I’m sorry,” Buffy whispered against his ear.

“I’m not,” Spike said, kissing her cheek. “I know you need time. I can handle it.”

She nodded then pulled back so she could look down at him. “Thank you for today. It was perfect.”

“It was, wasn’t it? You made some good strides today,” Spike said. “Sorry, maybe I shouldn’t say anything but I’m proud of you for deciding to go in the store and walking on the beach.”

“Don’t forget that I left home on my own and came to LA.”

“That, my dear,” Spike said, tapping the end of her nose. “Was an act of desperation.”

It was as if a cloud had hidden the sun. Buffy stiffened then rolled off of him. She sat beside him and slipped his sunglasses on. He wondered what he had done wrong. Twice today he had upset her without realizing. He lay for a moment trying to gather the courage to face the upcoming conversation. It wouldn’t just go away by itself so he sat up. She glanced at him then returned her gaze to the ocean.

“So, the only accomplishments of mine that matter are the ones you’re involved in?” Buffy asked.

“Ouch,” Spike said, hanging his head. He sighed. It was pretty much what he had implied even if he didn’t mean it. “Don’t pull any punches, do you?”

“Not anymore. I can’t,” Buffy said then paused while she searched for the right words. “They have to be mine, Spike. I appreciate everything you’re doing for me but I can’t let everything depend on you. How else am I going to make it when you’re not there?”

“You’re right, Luv,” Spike said, nodding his head. “I know, I know.” He laughed softly. “Guess I just have a hero’s complex when it comes to you. You know the one who took the chains off and all that rot.”

“My knight in shining armor?”

“No, more like your avenging angel with wings.”

“You always will be if that helps.”

“Appreciate it, but I think it’s more a case of stumbling into a bad situation and trying to do the right thing.”

“Isn’t that what a hero is?”

“Honestly, I just don’t know,” Spike said, staring off into space. Since his father’s death he wasn’t sure where the lines were drawn between right and wrong. Maybe everything was just gray and all you could do was the best you could. He shook his head to clear it. “So, how did you manage to leave home? You couldn’t even get out the door the other day.”

“I would have eventually,” Buffy said, with a small laugh. “It may have taken forever but I would have.” She sighed. “I had everything planned. Every step of the way, from calling the taxi to the ATM machine to the bus schedule and even the hotel fees but my problem was getting out the door. I had my bags packed and every morning I’d wake up at five AM so I could leave. I’d get as far as picking up the phone to call the taxi then I’d put it back down. Finally after a couple of weeks I actually dialed and from there, I couldn’t turn back.”

“I’m glad you did,” Spike said, with a smile.

Buffy returned his smile. “Thanks, I’m glad I did, too.”

In those few words they started to reveal the way they felt about each other. It was enough for a start. Spike leaned back on his elbows to watch the waves roll in. He felt peaceful for a change. And he knew he owed it to the girl that was sitting beside him.

~~~~~~~~

The phone was ringing when they walked through the door. Spike hurried to answer it as Buffy locked them into the apartment. He grabbed the phone off the charger and gave a sharp greeting.

“Is that anyway to greet friends and relatives?” Angel’s voice mocked him.

“If I’d known it was you, ponce, I would have ignored it and let the machine pick it up,” Spike retorted, flopping onto his back on the couch. He propped his feet up on the armrest so he could kick his shoes off.

“And I would kick your respective ass.”

“As if you could,” Spike said, accepting a bottle of water from Buffy. He turned on his side when she settled on the floor next to him. He watched as she pulled the court file toward her.

“Yeah and when haven’t I been able to?” Angel asked with a laugh. It was an old joke between them. To many outsiders the cousins seemed to have an almost hostile relationship but the love and loyalty between them ran deep.

“Since I went through puberty,” Spike said then grew serious. His fingers pulled the band from Buffy’s hair and begin to undo her braid. “So, what’s up, mate? Need me to take care of another parking ticket for you?”

Angel sighed. It sounded like he was fiddling with something. Apparently Cordelia had put him up to the call. “Actually, I was wondering if you and Buffy wanted to come over for dinner tonight.”

“Don’t think tonight is a good night,” Spike said, shaking her hair loose across her back. “We were out earlier and I think maybe we should just hang out at home. I’m pretty knackered.”

“Oh,” Angel said. “How about tomorrow then? I’d like to meet her.”

“And play the parental paternal role and give me advice and sex instructions,” Spike said as a joke but stopped when Buffy turned to look at him. There was a twinge of fear in her eyes. He leaned down to whisper in her ear. “I was just kidding, pet. Angel always tries to play my Daddy, that’s all.”

Buffy nodded and turned back to the file but he had messed up. She wasn’t as relaxed when he tried to return to playing with her hair so he rolled onto his back.

“Upset her?” Angel asked.

“Guess so,” Spike said, throwing his arm over his eyes. “Can I call you tomorrow and let you know. We just walked in the door.”

“Yeah, that’s fine. And Spike?”

“Yeah?”

“Be careful with your heart, and hell, with hers too, okay?”

“You’re too late, Ang. I’ll talk to ya in the morning.”

Spike hung up the phone before Angel could say anything. It was no longer a question of if he was going to let her in. She was already there. And soon she would be gone. He swallowed back a lump of emotion. Every door that he had closed over the years was being battered down and he was afraid of facing them alone.

“Spike,” Buffy called to him. Her hand covered his that was resting on his stomach. “Are you awake?”

“Yeah, I am,” he said, pulling his arm down to look at her. “What’s up?”

“I was reading the testimony by the detective who arrested…him,” Buffy closed her eyes for a moment before looking back up at him. “And he was talking about the evidence they found. Something doesn’t sound right and I was wondering if there was a list or pictures of the clothing they found at his house.”

“There should be,” Spike said, sitting up. He pulled the file over and started sorting through the papers until he came across the list she’d asked for. He handed it to her. Watching as she ran her index finger down the list as she read it. She tapped an item and made a small sound of frustration. “What is it?”

“Are there any pictures?”

“Not in this,” Spike said, leaning over her shoulder to try and see what she was questioning. “What are you thinking?”

“These aren’t mine,” Buffy said, pointing to the list, “The yellow bikini underwear. Or I’m almost positive they’re not.”

“Buffy, they were found with your cheerleading uniform,” Spike said, trying to be gentle. There hadn’t been any doubt when the evidence was found that the underwear belonged to Buffy. Her mother had even identified them. “I think that…”

“Spike, I was a cheerleader,” Buffy said as if it explained everything.

“Yes, I know but…”

“And,” Buffy interrupted again with a look of disgust on her face. It was like he was supposed to follow that line of thinking. “My appearance was everything to me especially when I was wearing my uniform. I didn’t wear bikini underwear under my bloomers because they would have left panty lines. And they are also described as having a bow on the front. It would have left a bulge.”

“Are you absolutely certain?”

“Yes, I am,” Buffy said with conviction. “I know what I said but that was before…my memories got screwed up. They’re not mine, Spike. They had to be hers or someone else’s.”

“You’re mother identified them as yours.”

“I had a pair like it but I wasn’t wearing them that day.”

“We’re going to have to prove they weren’t yours,” Spike said, as his mind clicked into gear.

“How?”

“DNA testing,” Spike said. “It was never done before because they just assumed they were yours. So, I guess tomorrow you and I are going to the evidence warehouse.”

Buffy grinned up at him and it felt like he was being lit up from the inside out. He smiled down at her as he twirled a strand of her hair around his finger. Maybe, just maybe he could erase the stigma of his father’s legacy and prove him wrong yet because in Buffy’s eyes, William wasn’t a disappointment.



to be continued…

Chapter 12




The afternoon had stretched beyond reason. Its endless hours succeeded in putting the two occupants of the apartment at odds. Both were impatient at having to wait until the next day to search out further proof that Buffy was right. There was even an attempt to meet with Captain Roberts that very night but he had left early for a family event and was unreachable. This only aggravated Spike more and left Buffy withdrawn again. She had retreated into the kitchen to cook dinner, refusing his offer to help.

Spike watched her from the corner of his eye as she set the table. He wasn’t sure what she had conjured up but it had a funny odor. Absently he rubbed at his nose, hoping it was at least edible. Whether it was or not, he knew that he would have to consume it. He prayed his acting skills were up to par if it was horrible.

“Dinner’s ready,” Buffy said, setting a pot down in the middle of the table. “Iced tea, okay?”

“Yeah, that’s fine, pet,” Spike said. He waited until she was reaching into the refrigerator to peek into the pot. His nose wrinkled at the mess that filled it. The mixture looked sort of grayish brown with slices of bread floating on top.

“Something wrong?” Buffy asked, glancing over at him as she filled the glasses with ice.

“Oh, nothing’s wrong. It smells wonderful.” He paused as he took a seat. “What is it?”

“It’s called Rustic Meat and Bean Pot,” Buffy said, proudly. She set his glass down in front of him. “I saw the recipe on 30-minute Meals. You know, the show that Rachel Ray does. Anyway it looked good and seemed simple enough. Of course, we didn’t have all the ingredients so I had to improvise.”

“Oh,” Spike said, picking up the serving spoon. He had no clue of the show Buffy was talking about but remembered she had said that she watched a lot of television in the last couple of years. Briefly he wondered what else she considered herself an expert on that he might end up being the guinea pig for. Without waiting for any more encouragement he scooped up a large quantity of his dinner and put it in the bowl. “Thanks for cooking.”

“I needed to do something.”

“I’m sorry that we have to wait,” Spike said, squeezing her hand. “It’ll happen.”

“Spike?”

“Yeah?’

“What happens if we don’t have this finished by the end of the week?”

It was the question he’d been waiting for. There was more at stake now than just the investigation. It was whatever growing feelings that were between them that needed to be figured out. He didn’t know how to answer because he had been avoiding what his heart was telling him. Logics were slowly being erased though, which only added to his confusion.

So, trying to give himself time to figure out what to say he decided to try the first meal that Buffy had cooked by herself. All he could taste was garlic, a lot of garlic. He coughed and reached for his tea.

“What’s wrong?” Buffy asked, as he swallowed half his glass.

“Nothing, Luv, I think I swallowed wrong.”

“It’s bad, isn’t it?” Buffy asked, dipping her spoon in the pot and sniffing it. She tentatively tasted a small bite. She sighed and dropped it in her bowl. “It’s all garlicky, isn’t it?”

“Just a little bit,” Spike said, trying to suppress a smile. “How much did you put in?”

“The recipe said four cloves but we didn’t have any so I used four spoonfuls of the powdered stuff.”

“Oh, well,” Spike said, dipping his spoon in again. “We’ll just have nasty breath together.” Spike tried but he couldn’t swallow anymore. Besides the garlic there was just something not right about it. He poked at something that was floating in it. He held it up. “What’s this?”

“Hot dog,” Buffy said, her eyes widening. “We didn’t have any Italian sausage.”

“So, you used hot dogs?” Spike couldn’t help the mirth coating his words. She had quite an imagination when it came to substituting food. There was no way he could eat it and wiped at his face as he tried to figure out what to say to her.

“Whatever,” Buffy said, pushing her chair back as she stood. “I guess you’re just counting the seconds until I’m out of here. Gee, you didn’t have to answer. I know it’s because I’ve gotten you arrested, I can’t cook, I’ve cleaned and rearranged your apartment and invaded your privacy. Anything else I’ve done wrong?”

“Buffy, you haven’t done anything wrong…”

“You don’t want me here.”

“It’s not that simple, Luv,” Spike said, trying to be patient. They had been together pretty much all the time since she had gotten there. Emotions were tangled. Tension was high. There was no real privacy. They were both adjusting to new routines. She was right. It all irritated him but he cared more about her than he did about having to adjust. “Dinner just went wrong, that’s all. No big deal.”

“I’m sorry,” Buffy said.

He reached for her but she moved away. There were so many conflicting emotions going through him that he was immobilized by indecision. It had only been a few days. How could she mean so much to him already? He watched her as she moved across the room. The sway of her bottom, the bounce of her braid against her back and the gentle aroma of flowers left in her wake. He laughed that he could even smell it over the mess she had made of dinner. It was all Buffy though. And all woman he decided as his body ached to be close to her.

When she reached the bathroom she turned to look at him. Her eyes were bright with unshed tears. Maybe it was better to say nothing rather than possibly tell her a lie. She’d had enough of those. Until he knew what he wanted without a doubt he wouldn’t make her promises he couldn’t keep.

The water in the bathtub started to run and he could hear her rummaging around in the bedroom. He stood there waiting. Waiting for the radio to be turned on, the water turned off once the tub was full, and waited for her to slide into the water. His mind filled with images of her nude, lithe body, rosy from the heat, so close to him but yet unattainable. With a frustrated sigh, he turned to clean up from dinner.

~~~~~~~

The cigarettes were disappearing in rapid succession. Spike had been chain smoking since he finished the kitchen. There was nothing to do but let his imagination run overtime. The too brief time kissing her on the beach had made him aware of how much he desired her. Fantasies demanded his attention until all he wanted was to break down the bathroom door. Then he would feel guilty because he knew his thoughts would frighten her. The women he was used to knew the score. Sex was fun, a pleasure, and didn’t have to come with strings, guilt, or fear. They would share his bed, his time, but never his heart. If it wouldn’t hurt the girl on the other side of the wall he would consider meeting one of his friends for a few hours. But it would so he lit another one. His third or fourth, he’d lost count.

Buffy came out of the bedroom finally. His eyes opened wider as he took in what she was wearing. A pair of boxers that looked suspiciously like a pair from his dresser and a tight black tank top that clearly showed her pebbled nipples. His tongue flicked at his front teeth as he squirmed in his chair. She couldn’t know. How could she? Spike shook his head as he tried to convince himself that she wasn’t out to seduce him. Her innocence had left her in poor judgment of what to wear around a man, especially a man that wanted her as badly as he did.

“Spike,” Buffy snapped, yanking open the sliding glass door. “Did you eat all the Dove ice cream bars?” She waved a box that once held the treats.

“There should be one left,” Spike said, trying to clear the fog that was filling his senses. He stubbed out his cigarette.

“Son of a bitch,” Buffy muttered slamming the door shut again.

Wondering which alternate universe he was finding himself in, he followed her into the kitchen.

“Isn’t there one left?”

“Yeah, one,” Buffy said.

“So, you have one right?” Spike asked shaking his head. He didn’t understand why she was so upset. “What’s the big deal, pet?”

“Oh,” Buffy yelped. “The big deal is you. Telling me that I can only get enough stuff for one week, one week,” she held up one finger. “I have to be out of Spike’s kingdom in seven days. So, I buy stuff to last the week, which I paid for by the way, I ration out everything to last and you ate them all.”

“Are you PMSing?”

Spike didn’t have time to duck. The ice cream box hit him on the chin. His eyes narrowed as he looked at the righteous anger that was Buffy at the moment. She stood there trembling and clutching the last bar in her hand. She went to walk by him and he decided enough was enough. If she wanted to be childish then why couldn’t he.

“If it’s such a big treat that you can’t share,” Spike said, reaching for her. “Then I guess I want the last one too.” He tried to snatch it from her but she turned the other way. “Hey, I said I want it.” Reaching his arms around her, he felt for the bar in her hands.

Buffy pushed him back with a quick shove of her hip. He wasn’t going to give up, advancing he pinned her against the counter with the weight of his body. She slapped at his hand but he felt paper against his fingertips so he didn’t react. Grabbing the paper he pulled in triumph. He’d won. His glee only lasted long enough for him to realize that all he was holding was the wrapper. Buffy backed away waving the ice cream at him.

“I’ve got it,” Buffy said, popping the entire bar into her mouth.

“And I said I want it.”

Her eyes widened as he kept coming toward her. Spike didn’t stop until her back hit the wall at the end of the kitchen. She glanced around her looking for an escape. He blocked her in by putting his hands on the wall on either side of her.

“Hmm, looks like I’m going to get what I wanted after all,” Spike whispered, slowly moving toward her. He didn’t want to frighten her but he had reached the end of his rope. He needed this. She didn’t move but her breath came quicker. Her eyes darkened with desire. “I bet you taste good.” Spike closed his eyes as he moved in the last inch so he could kiss her. His face hit the wall.

Buffy was giggling as she slid down the wall, under his arm and darted toward the living room. It was almost impossible to believe that she was playing. It brought out a side of him that few saw. He laughed as he followed her. She ran behind the sofa while he took the front. They faced each other as they feigned going one way then the other. Both were laughing as they dodged each other. Buffy stopped, holding her sides from the laughter that continued to bubble from her very soul. She gained control for a second, only long enough to stick her tongue out at him. It was covered in the melting ice cream. His body screamed at him, his cock grew hard and he decided to end this charade.

Using the back of the couch for leverage, he leapt over it. Thankfully, chasing suspects came in handy in trying to get the girl. An evil laughed escaped him as Buffy screeched in surprise when he landed in front of her. She jumped back, turned and ran for the bedroom. It was too easy. She was crawling over the bed and he practically flew from the entrance of the bedroom to land next to her. He straddled her as he grabbed her shoulders. She was hanging partially off the bed.

“Stop,” Buffy gasped. Her hand covered her mouth when she realized that she had sprayed ice cream. She broke out in giggles again. It was the sweetest sound he’d ever heard.

“I’m going to get it,” Spike teased, lying on her back. He bent his head to try to capture her mouth. “It’s mine. Gonna get it, gonna get it.”

Buffy pushed up with her arms, dislodging him and dumping him onto his side next to her. She went to roll away but he moved too fast. This time when he covered her, they were face to face.

“Yep, it’s mine now,” Spike laughed, pinning her hands down playfully. Buffy was still laughing when he covered her mouth with his. Her teeth were clamped shut, refusing to open for his tongue that ran along their edges. “Give it to me, pet. I need the ice cream.” She shook her head no. “Guess what. I’m determined.” He tickled her sides. She squealed and he shoved his tongue into her mouth.

He stilled as the first flavors coated his tongue. The rich chocolate, the sweet vanilla and the ripe, tart taste of Buffy filled his senses. The time for play was over as he swept his tongue across hers again. He groaned the first time she returned his caress, letting the melting treat flow into his mouth. He lost all ability to think when she shook her hands free from his, letting them coast down his sides to cup his ass. He pushed his erection against her, rubbing against her mound, until she arched up against him.

Her fingers drifted upwards, under the hem of his t-shirt, and onto the flesh of his back. She kneaded his waist, tickled his spine, and cupped his shoulder blades, never breaking their kiss. The shifting of her tongue into his mouth sent his body into overdrive. He was at the point of not being able to turn back. He needed her too much so he pulled away, coming to his knees above her. He didn’t count on her following him up, her hands still holding onto his waist.

“Pet, I want you too much,” he whispered hoarsely. “I can’t…need to stop.”

It was too hard. Almost impossible to think about getting out of this bed, away from her hungry eyes and soft hands that made him feel more than he wanted. But it was what she needed, not to be pushed, and he would give her that.

“Spike,” Buffy said, gaining his attention again. She pushed his shirt upwards, over his ribcage before meeting his eyes again. “Will you make me feel good?” It was the echo of his request to her. How could he turn her down? There wasn’t any need to ask if she was sure. She continued to push his shirt upwards as she bent her head to kiss the flat plane of his stomach. He pulled his shirt off, throwing it somewhere before he buried his hands in her hair.

“Oh, god,” he muttered as she licked her way down his stomach. Her tongue flicked into his belly button as her hands returned to his hips. Chills raced across his flesh as her fingers dug into his ass. Gravity pulled him forward as his dizziness overtook him. His hands holding onto her shoulders were the only thing keeping him from falling over. He threw his head back and his hips forward when she nipped at his pelvic bone. Never had it felt like this. He was so afraid it would stop but he couldn’t help letting himself lose control. This was something that he had never had before and he knew it was finally within his grasp.

“May I?” Buffy asked, her hands resting on the fly of his jeans. She stared up into his eyes as she popped the button.

“Anything you want,” Spike ground out. She nodded, turned her gaze downwards again and lowered his zipper. His crotch was level with her face and he almost came at the look of awestruck need she had when she uncovered him. She tugged his jeans down and he stepped back to stand on the floor. He made short work of the rest of his clothes so he could stand before her nude. She licked her lips as she studied his form.

The first time they had been together only the distant light from the living room had illuminated their activities. This time the light shone from the nightstand. It gave brilliant enlightenment to this new act. This had nothing to do with heroism, making strides or trying to overcome the past. They were just two people who were discovering each other’s body, heart and soul.

Buffy pulled her shirt over her head, letting it join his on the floor.

Spike stared for only a second. His mouth watered from the sight before him. Her eyes were downcast, a slight flush gracing her cheeks, and he leaned down to kiss the corner of her mouth.

“Lie back,” he encouraged, his hands finding their way to the waistband of the boxers. She followed his instructions, looking up at him, watching as he removed the last of the barriers between them. “You are so beautiful.”

“With you I am,” Buffy responded, holding her arms out to him.

Nothing could stop him from joining her on the bed. She scooted back, he followed, his legs straddling hers, his hands beside her on the pillows. Emeralds burned into him, as he lowered his head for a kiss. She was the epitome of womanhood and he groaned as he covered her body. Her arms wrapped around him, holding him, keeping him from harm. Fingers caressed his hair, pulling curls out then letting them go. Their mouths lingered against one another. Neither of them was able to let go; only parting long enough to breath.

“Is this possible?” Buffy whispered against his lips. “Am I wrong for wanting you like this? It’s been only days and I hardly know you.”

“What do you want to know?” Spike asked, kissing a trail down her neck. “Ask me anything.” His hand cupped her bottom, squeezing, kneading the soft flesh.

“I don’t know,” Buffy said shyly.

“My favorite color is black,” Spike murmured against her breast. His breath hardening the rosy nipple until it begged for him. He licked it, looking up at her, before sucking it into his mouth.

“Mine’s blue,” Buffy said, squirming beneath him. “More.”

“More information or more sucking?” Spike asked with a chuckle. He ran his tongue along the underside of her breast while his hand slid downward along her thigh.

“Oooooh…both,” Buffy said, pushing him until he was on his back. She kissed along his chest.

“My favorite food is spicy wings, I love to watch Passions, I prefer jeans and t-shirts, and…pet, what you’re doing right now,” He moaned as she chewed gently on his nipple. “That I love,” he sighed, letting his hand coast along her back. “I like to play pool, slow dance and I prefer night to day.”

His legs fell open when her fingernails tickled the inside of his thigh. Chills darted through him when she cupped his balls, squeezing gently. He panted when one finger traced the vein on the underside of his cock. Forcing his eyes open, he watched her as her fingers embraced his shaft, pumping slowly.

“Am I doing okay?” Buffy asked, hesitantly.

“Bloody brilliant,” He muttered, cupping the back of her neck. “If you keep it up though there isn’t going to be a main show.” He took her hand, bringing it upwards as he flipped them again. “Tell me about you. Things I don’t know.”

“Not very much,” Buffy said, watching him as he pushed her legs apart so he could crawl between them. “I do like to play pool.”

“Yeah?” Spike asked, unable to stop the grin on his face as he stared at the center of her. He licked her from bottom to top, enjoying the soft sound she made in response. “What else?”

“I used to like slow dancing,” Buffy whispered, raggedly. He tugged a little harder on her clit to see how far he could take her. “I like this better.”

“What me eating your sweet pussy?” Spike asked, flicking his tongue along her slit.

She froze. “Please don’t talk like that.”

For a moment Spike had forgotten about her past in the midst of enjoying being with her in the present. Cursing his own stupidity, he moved over her. He brushed back her hair, cupped her cheek while he let his thumb slide over her features.

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault.” Buffy tried to smile up at him. “How could you know?”

Spike buried his face in her neck, gathering her close to him. She stroked his back and kissed his shoulder.

“Don’t Spike, please,” Buffy whispered. “Get off me.”

It was over. She was pushing him away because he had said the wrong thing. There was no way he wouldn’t comply and he rolled onto his back.

“It’s okay,” Spike said, hoping to make her feel better. Or himself? He wasn’t sure at that moment. His eyes flew open when he felt her kiss on his stomach. He didn’t argue; just let her have her way, as she made love to him. She explored his body, tasting and feeling, driving him somewhere new. No practiced hand had ever made him feel like this and by the time she reached into the drawer for the condom he was quivering in need for her.

Buffy’s face scrunched in concentration as she rolled the condom down his length. Once done she smiled in triumph and straddled him. He reached to help her position herself but she was one step ahead of him. She slid down his length as he tried not to think of where she had done this before. Instead he concentrated on her face. The pleasure that lit up her features and the fire that burned in her eyes. She was flying and he wanted to fly with her. She reached for his hand, brought it to her breast, while she leaned forward on her other hand.

Spike wanted everything for her. He wanted her to scream this time, to forget everything but the ecstasy between them. His hand slid between them, his finger coaxing her clitoris into bringing her greater pleasure. She quaked above him, his hand coated with the warm release of her orgasm, and he felt more like a man than he ever had before.

She was unsure of what to do now. She stopped her movements, staring down at him with confusion in her eyes. Her inner muscles squeezed him, he arched up into her depths and she started to move again. Riding him, changing tempos, learning what made him moan and what made his eyes roll back in his head. He watched her every move, every idea that flitted through her eyes until he couldn’t take it anymore. He flipped them.

“Wrap your legs around me,” Spike begged, as he thrust into her. Those sweat slicked limbs came high around his waist, holding on while he built momentum. He leaned his forehead against hers, never breaking contact as he ground against her, bringing her to one more climax before he found his own. He kissed her softly.

“You amaze me,” he whispered. Her fingers combed through his hair as she gave him a womanly smile.

“And you still owe me ice cream,” Buffy said.

“Hmmm, do I get more of this?”

“Maybe if you buys lots,” Buffy teased, her legs unhooking from him. He shifted to lay his head on her breast.

“I have to bribe my…,” Spike stopped when he almost called her his woman.

It was her that whispered it was okay this time, kissing the top of his head. And he knew it was. Some things didn’t need words.


to be continued…

Chapter 13




Spike was proud of Buffy. She had come so far in such a short amount of time. He smiled as she seated herself in front of Captain Robert’s desk with an air of confidence. Of course it helped that she knew she was right. So, when she looked his captain right in the eye he wanted to cheer for her.

“What’s up?” Roberts asked, leaning back in his chair. It was a move he used to regain the upper hand when someone came charging into his office with news they felt was important. Until he, as the captain, also felt it was urgent he would remain relaxed.

Buffy looked over at Spike expectantly. At this point it was a police matter so she was going to let him handle it but be there to answer any questions that the captain might have.

“Buffy was going through the files yesterday,” Spike said, leaning forward on his elbows. “She noticed on the evidence list something that wasn’t right. There was a pair of underwear found in Peterson’s house with her uniform. It was assumed to be hers but she’s insisting that it isn’t.”

“Are you sure?” Roberts asked, letting his chair come up just a little.

“Yes,” Buffy said then gave him the same explanation that she had given Spike.

It was hard to gauge his captain’s expression. He listened attentively, nodded a couple of times but other than that, Spike couldn’t tell if he believed Buffy or not. She ended her explanation and waited for Roberts to say something. When there was no reply, she turned to Spike. He reached over and covered her hand without thinking. Touching her was becoming an addiction that he couldn’t stop.

“Let me follow everything you’ve told me in the last couple of days,” Roberts said, leaning forward. He folded his hands on his desk. “You think this girl is Faith Monroe and you think that this underwear is hers.”

“No,” Buffy said. “I know that the girl is Faith Monroe and I know that the underwear isn’t mine. Does it hurt to at least try to find out if it’s hers? Or at least prove it’s not mine?”

“She’s right, captain,” Spike said. “If we can prove that they aren’t Buffy’s then at least we have to assume there was someone else.”

“True,” Captain Roberts said, with a shrug. “What if it was a girlfriend or something?”

Before Spike could reply, Buffy gave a soft laugh. Her eyes were closed while she rubbed her forehead.

“He didn’t have any girlfriends,” she said in a soft monotone. “Girls like me laughed at him. He showed them, didn’t he?”

“Pet, you okay?” Spike knelt beside her. She was spacing out somewhere. The words were spoken as if someone was directing her to say them. It worried him as she kept her eyes shut but her lips kept moving. He shook her shoulder lightly. “Buffy, what’s going on?”

Her eyes snapped open then she looked up at Spike. Her fingers traced along his cheekbone. “Yeah, I’m fine. Captain Robert’s said girlfriend and I remembered something. He….he used to talk to me all the time. I guess he wanted my reactions to things. And he told me about him not having girlfriends.”

Suddenly understanding where her aversion to the dirty talk came from, he squeezed her hand then turned back to his Captain. “Well?”

Roberts nodded. “I need an official statement from Buffy on recognizing Faith, whatever she remembers to back it up and about the underwear,” Roberts said. “When she’s done then I’ll send an officer with you to go to the evidence room. I want it all official. No loopholes in case it goes to prosecution. Understand Nagle? No shortcuts.”

“Yes sir,” Spike agreed. He was ecstatic. It was now an official investigation. Buffy had been completely vindicated. He wanted to hug her but refrained. There would be time for that later. A lot of time, he hoped.

“Could…I know I shouldn’t ask,” Buffy said, glancing between the two men. “Is there anyway that Kate could be the one? I mean with the statement and everything.”

“It’s fine with me,” Roberts said. “I’ll call and have her pulled in. She’s been itching to be a detective. Let’s see what she can do.”

~~~~~~~

The room was overwhelming. Boxes upon boxes stacked from floor to ceiling on steel shelves. Each one was marked by case number, date and filing code. Buffy trailed behind Kate and Spike staring around her in bewilderment. The realization that in each of those boxes was a story in which someone had been wronged, hurt, or murdered was too much for her. She blinked back the tears that were threatening to spill down her cheeks. It wasn’t just the room or the unseen faces of victims that belonged to each box that was bothering her.

The memory she had revealed to Spike kept replaying in her mind. Her attacker’s taunts and cruel words tore through her soul again. Some were clear but most were sounds that were only known by the tone with which they were said. She knew the moment her mind began to reveal to her what had happened. When Spike had said the word ‘pussy’, she had heard his voice. All of it was there. Every moment locked inside her hiding, but now a wind was blowing through, moving the curtains aside to allow her glances at once was.

“Buffy, you coming?” Spike asked when her feet faltered and she stopped to take a deep breath.

“Yeah,” she said, holding out her hand. Grateful when he didn’t question her but only entwined his fingers with hers. The touch of his skin next to hers sent a wave of calm through her tattering emotions. He squeezed her fingers. She smiled up at him, staring into his eyes made cobalt with emotion, as his thumb rubbed against the back of her hand. It made her wish they were alone so she could seek the comfort she needed in his arms.

They turned to continue following Kate who thankfully hadn’t witnessed the brief moment between them. The rows seemed to stretch forever as they headed toward the back, toward the older cases. Buffy shivered in the blast of air conditioning that kept the room icy. She pulled her jacket tighter around her.

“It should be in this row,” Kate said, leading them down another cavern of shelving.

Spike dropped Buffy’s hand as he helped Kate search for the proper box. The two muttered back and forth to one another as they called out the numbers that should lead them to the right one. Buffy stepped back, wondering what would be revealed. She had read the evidence itemization. Her mind knew what was in the box. Her cheerleading uniform, the underwear they were searching for, his journal, baggies with trace evidence that proved she had been in his car.

It was all the things that had convinced twelve people that he had taken an innocent girl and made her his sexual slave for almost two weeks. She stumbled back as her mind gave her another flash. It was of the first time.

Her hands chained over her head, the smell of the dirty mattress beneath her naked body, his taunts telling her that she belonged to him now, the touch of his hand as he twisted her breast painfully, the hot stench of his breath on her face, on her lips and finally the first agonizing thrust of his penis into her unprepared body.

The memory washed over her in a horrifying tidal wave of sensations. Everything felt like she was there again. Looking around her but seeing only the place of her confinement, she panicked. Her first cry was no louder than the sound of a small puppy whining for its mother’s teat. No one else heard her. The second broke free from her as the room spun around her. Then they wouldn’t stop and she fell backwards trying to find purchase in a place that was tilting wildly. Someone was calling her name but she was alone again. Alone in the hell that she once feared she would never leave.

“Buffy,” a man’s voice cried.

He tried to grab her and she lashed out with feet and hands.

“Don’t touch me, oh, please don’t touch me, not again,” Buffy sobbed, hitting an unmovable object. He wasn’t going anywhere. She curled into a tight ball, praying that he would leave her alone. Someone fell. She didn’t know who. She didn’t want to look. There were voices, arguing, and she covered her ears with her hands. Someone was trying to hold him back. Someone saying she would handle it. Was it Faith? But, no, Faith had been so cold to her. This voice was softer, gentler as she called to Buffy.

“Its okay, Buffy, its Kate,” the voice said while her hair was stroked. “You’re safe, sweetie, you’re safe.”

The words continued to be murmured in a soft rhythm until Buffy could focus on it. And, slowly the world began to right itself. The fear abated as her tears began to subside. She found that breathing was becoming easier. The cement floor was cold and wet beneath her cheek. She pushed herself to a sitting position. Refusing to look up she wiped at her face with her sleeve. She took several deep breaths as she wrapped her arms around her knees. Feeling more in control she looked first at Kate. The woman smiled at her. There was no malice, no pity in her gaze.

Relieved Buffy forced herself to look at the man sitting on the floor across from her. She gasped at the ravaged look on his face. Her rejection of him had torn at someplace inside of him that needed her to need him. She held her arms out to him. He scooted over to her, burying his face in her neck as she enveloped him in her arms. She gently rubbed his back.

“I’m okay,” Buffy whispered when she felt Spike shudder. “I just got overwhelmed by everything for a minute.”

“I get so scared when you go away like that,” Spike whispered back, revealing more than he wanted. “All I want is for you to come back.”

She felt his kiss just below her ear before he pulled away. They stared at each other for a moment then they smiled. Understanding was between them. It didn’t matter that no one else might accept what they were to each other. But they knew. They had shared so much during the night. The hours holding one another, saying all the things they couldn’t speak aloud.

Spike stood and held his hand out for her. She accepted it. Allowing herself to be pulled to her feet.

“Are you going to be okay to do this?” Kate asked breaking the spell between them.

Buffy knew they wouldn’t push her. They would give her whatever space she needed in order to deal with it. But she wanted to know. She wanted to take the next step no matter how painful it would be. Spike was there. And Kate was. Someone she was quickly thinking of as a friend. She was safe so she nodded.

“Yeah,” Buffy said.

Spike reached up to take the box off the shelf. He led them to a table on the other side of the shelving. It was Kate that was the official officer on duty there. She was the only one authorized to sort through the evidence. Buffy sat at the table and watched as the items were pulled out. Kate placed them in a stack.

There it was. Buffy’s uniform. She stared at it. Lost for a moment to the pride she used to feel when wearing it. Then it was gone. She shook her head as a bag was placed in front of her. It was the yellow underpants. Her finger traced over the plastic for a moment before she picked them up to look them over.

“They are definitely not mine,” Buffy said. “They’re bigger than what I wear.” She looked up at her friends. They were exchanging a look that she wasn’t sure she could decipher. It irritated her. “So, now what?”

“Now we have them checked for DNA,” Kate said. “That way we have physical proof that they aren’t yours. I believe you,” she jumped in before Buffy could say anything. “But this way no one can play on your memory. And it shows there was another female involved whether voluntarily or otherwise. It will bear checking into to find out.”

“Thank you,” Buffy said. “I appreciate your help.”

“Ever thought about being a cop,” Spike said with a smile. “You’re solving a case that we never knew we had.”

“You’re putting us to shame,” Kate agreed. “Let’s just hope this girl got away or was his girlfriend that is alive and well somewhere.”

Buffy realized with a start that she had assumed Faith was dead. Was there another memory just beneath the surface that would let her know? Or was it something that she had made up because death was something that she had prayed for so many times during her captivity? Suddenly feeling guilty for surviving, she wasn’t so sure that she wanted to go forward with this. She prayed that Kate’s hopes for Faith to be safe were real.


to be continued…

Chapter 14



The Los Angeles Criminal Lab was located in a separate facility from the police stations. It had departments to handle all different types of investigative research from handwriting analysis to the one that they needed. The Serology/DNA unit handled the identification of bodily fluids, such as blood, saliva, and semen through genetic markers.

Spike explained the procedure to Buffy in the car on the way over. They would take a new sample from her to compare to whatever was found on the underpants. It all sounded complicated to her when he got into the technical details. She tried to follow him but ended up responding to his explanation with nods and an occasional ‘uh-huh’. He smiled when he realized what she was doing, gave a shrug and told her it didn’t really matter. It was the end result they were after anyway.

They were given visitor’s badges at the front desk before they took the elevator to the third floor. Buffy crossed her arms as she slipped into the back of the car. Spike leaned on the wall next to her. She found her eyes going back and forth between the other two. Kate and Spike were in the middle of a discussion about a case that they had handled a year or so back.

Buffy started to compare herself to the officer that shared so much of Spike’s interests. They had so many things in common; having conversations that made her head spin. There were so many things she didn’t understand about his job. It made her wonder how she could maintain his interest permanently. She sighed as the elevator stopped. Spike waited for her to precede him out into the hall. He did the same for Kate so she didn’t take it personally. It was just him being a gentleman or so she told herself.

Spike led them down a sterile looking hallway to a door that was marked with the name of the lab on it. He didn’t knock, just opened it and looked around for someone.

“Hey, there, Freddie,” Spike said, with a huge grin on his face.

Buffy started to relax that at least it wasn’t another female to compete with but then she saw the pretty brunette coming their way. She stepped back as Spike opened his arms and kissed the woman on the cheek. It hurt. The look they exchanged seemed friendly, almost too friendly and it made her jealous.

“Fred, this is Buffy,” Spike said. “Buffy, Fred.”

“Hello,” Fred said. “It’s good to meet you.”

The woman’s eyes were welcoming but Buffy also knew she was being checked out. Buffy straightened up but she suddenly felt unattractive. Her hands smoothed down the edges of her army jacket before falling to play with the hem of Spike’s t-shirt that she was wearing. Suddenly she wondered why Spike wanted to touch her at all. She looked boyish next to the femininity that was Kate and Fred. But she also knew that she didn’t want anyone else but Spike to look at her. She wished she was alone or at least back at his apartment. There she was safe and Spike was hers.

“You ready, Buffy?” Fred asked, breaking through her reverie.

Buffy looked up as she realized that she had missed out on the conversation the other three had been engaging in. Her eyes met Spike’s. His eyebrow was raised with his head tilted and she knew he was trying to read what was going on with her. She quickly looked away. Always intuitive to her moods, this was one time she didn’t want him to figure out what was going on with her. She wasn’t sure herself why she was suddenly feeling insecure with him.

“Yeah, I’m ready,” Buffy mumbled with a quick nod of her head.

She followed Fred along with Spike and Kate to a small work station at the back of the lab.

“Go ahead and sit on the stool,” Fred instructed, as she reached into a drawer to pull out a few items. “Okay, this doesn’t hurt at all,” she said with a smile when she turned back to Buffy. “I just need you to open your mouth.”

A hand rested on her shoulder, Buffy glanced behind her to see Spike there. He gave her a small squeeze and smiled at her with a reassurance that banished some of her doubts. She smiled back at him before doing as Fred told her. The brunette scrubbed a small cotton swab against the inside of her cheek then dropped it into a baggie.

“That’s it, Buffy,” Fred said, writing something on a label she attached to the plastic bag. She held her hand out to Kate. “If I can have the underwear, I can get started on this. We have quite a caseload, so can I give you a call later? I promise I’ll have it for you today but I’ve got some priority cases that I need to take care of.”

“Yeah, that’s fine,” Spike said. “You still have my number?”

“Yes, I do,” Fred said.

The smile the scientist gave Spike confirmed all of Buffy’s suspicions that they had been or were lovers. Not waiting to see or hear anymore, she turned to leave the lab. Her cheeks burned with embarrassment. Why did she ever think that someone like Spike could love her? He liked beautiful, poised women who were smart and understood him. Even Ling was involved with the running of her family’s restaurant. They were all better than she was. She was just a kid with a high school diploma, and an ugly past that made her afraid of her own womanhood. There was no way she could please a man like Spike. She had been stupid to even daydream about it.

“You okay?” Kate asked when they stepped into the hallway and the door swung shut behind them.

She stared at the door for a second. Spike was still on the other side saying good-bye to Fred. She hadn’t even bothered. Maybe he would think it was rude of her but she just wanted to curl up somewhere and hide. How was it only an hour or so ago she had been so confident in Spike’s feelings for her and now she didn’t think they existed at all? Maybe she was just a novelty. Something new for him to enjoy until he got bored or until the week was up.

“I’m fine,” Buffy said, straightening up. She didn’t need him. It was like she had said at the beach. She had to be able to do it on her own and she would. All she needed was to finish this out then she would be gone.

And alone again…

“I wouldn’t worry about Fred,” Kate said, continuing down the hall with Buffy trailing right along. “She and Spike were never serious.”

”It’s none of my business.”

“Yes, it is,” Kate said, smiling at her but then she sobered. “Look, Buffy, you’re right. They did have a relationship but it was pretty casual. Neither of them was in it for the long term.”

“Did…did you and Spike ever…?” Buffy asked, unable to stop the question. She needed to know. She was still unhappy about Spike being with Fred in spite of what Kate said. Now she just wanted to know how deeply she had to be worried.

“No,” Kate said with a laugh. “I adore Spike but no, I never dated him.”

“He wanted to date you though, didn’t he?”

The two women were waiting by the elevator. They faced each other as Buffy waited for an answer. It was one Kate that didn’t have to verbalize. It was evident by the guilt that flashed across Kate’s face.

“Yeah, he asked me out a few times,” Kate said. “We’ve hung out together at parties but we never connected. I’m a serious girl and he’s not…or he wasn’t until he met you.”

“Maybe he still doesn’t want to be serious,” Buffy said, pulling her jacket tighter around her as she remembered the deadline Spike had given her.

“Buffy, I’ve known Spike since our days at the Academy. Yeah, he’s a man. A very attractive man who has a past with women in it, but you’re different. I’ve never seen him with anyone the way he is with you. You should see the way the two of you look at each other.”

“Thanks,” Buffy said, grasping onto the small strand of hope that had been offered.

The door opened to the lab and Spike stepped out into the hallway. Buffy watched him as he swaggered down the hallway. He was confident, handsome, and wore a smile of satisfaction on his face. Fred had made him happy somehow. It was hard to imagine that only earlier that morning he had worn that smile when he kissed her good morning. That he had held her tight all night making her feel special. Like she was the only one, but it was obvious that she wasn’t.

Spike stopped beside her. One hand rested on her lower back as he reached for the button for the elevator with the other. He didn’t say anything though. His touch was almost impersonal and it only added to Buffy’s irritation toward him. All he needed was a little time with another woman and he wasn’t treating her like he did before. She stomped into the car ahead of the two of them. She ignored them. Kate was great. She tried to cover Buffy’s mood by asking how long it was going to take Fred.

Only long enough to get him back in bed, Buffy thought with venom. Images of Spike making love to the other woman filled her head. It made her nauseous. She needed air. Getting outside the building was becoming a priority. And as soon as the car stopped she made a beeline across the lobby, anything to get away from him.

~~~~~~~


“What the soddin’ hell is wrong with her?” Spike asked, as Buffy barreled past him toward the door. He stared after her in amazement. Something had been wrong with her since they had gotten here. He just didn’t know what. She wasn’t having a panic attack. She was acting like she was angry.

“Fred,” Kate said with a smile.

“Fred? What did she do to Buffy? She was her usual sweet self.”

Kate shook her head still wearing that smile. “Buffy picked up on the vibes between you and Miss Texas Sugar. She’s jealous.”

“Jealous of me and Fred?” Spike asked, in disbelief. “Why? Buffy and me…oh, bloody hell.” He wiped at his face as the knowledge of Buffy’s feelings flooded him. They were getting in deep but there were a thousand reasons not to. Reasons that should be seriously thought through, but neither of them was taking the time to do so. They kept pretending that it didn’t mean anything. That everything would end in a few days. It wouldn’t though, at least not for him.

“Oh, please don’t tell me you believe that you and Buffy are a casual relationship?” Kate asked. “Because if you do then I’m afraid I’m going to have to call you some not very nice names.”

“Standing up for my girl, are you?” Spike asked with a grin.

“Hell, yes, I am,” Kate said sternly. “You break that little girl’s heart and I’m going to kick your ass.”

Spike turned to look through the glass doors to where Buffy was standing just outside the door. It seemed it was too late for both of them at this point. They were going under with only each other to hold onto. He noticed her doing the little dance she did when she was nervous and he turned to go to her.

“I’m going to do everything I can not to,” Spike muttered as he made his way toward Buffy.

Kate laughed behind him. He glared at her as he held the door for her. She sailed through with a big grin for him.

“Hey, what do you say we get out of here,” Kate said, slipping her hand into Buffy’s.

Amazingly Buffy allowed it as they made their way to his car. When they got there, Buffy slipped into the backseat and he was certain it was just to vex him. He decided to let her tantrum play itself out. He wasn’t the kind of man to give into emotional blackmail. It always led to things he didn’t want but by the time they had dropped Kate back off at the station, Spike was going crazy from Buffy’s silence.

“Do you want to move up front?” Spike asked when Kate had walked away.

“I’m fine,” Buffy said. “The apartment’s not far.”

The tires squealed as he hit the gas pedal too hard. He didn’t want to admit that he was angry with her. And he didn’t want to accept the blame. He just wanted things to go back to the way they were that morning. Buffy’s sleepy smile when she woke up in his arms, the kisses that became heated so fast and the soft sounds filling his ear when she came.

Getting an idea of how to return a smile to her face, he turned into a shopping center not far from his place. He pulled into a space then turned around to look at her.

“Are you staying here or going in with me?”

Buffy looked around, her eyes narrowing when she saw the ice cream parlor. “I’ll stay here.”

“Suit yourself,” Spike said, as nonchalantly as possible. “They make the best banana splits in town.”

He had taken only a few steps before he heard Buffy climbing out of the car. He stopped until she caught up with him. Her hand reached for his but he put his arm around her shoulder to pull her close to his side. She didn’t resist. Inside the small shop, he sat her at a booth in the corner before going up to order. He asked for a treat that was made for two people. It had everything on it. Buffy was almost drooling when he put it on the table between them. She pulled it away from him.

“Go get your own,” Buffy said, slapping at his hand when he reached for a bite.

“It’s made for two.”

“And you owe me,” Buffy said, slipping a spoonful of ice cream, hot fudge and whipped topping into her mouth. There was a blissful look on her face as she savored the flavors.

“It’s good, isn’t it?” Spike said, softly. He should have gotten it to go. His jeans were becoming too tight as he watched her eat. How could one small woman make eating ice cream into something so erotic? He got up and slid into the seat next to her.

“Go away,” Buffy said, sliding away from him. She pulled the treat with her.

He followed, brushing her hair away from her neck, so that he could whisper in her ear.

“For the rest of my life, ice cream will always remind me of you. How sweet, beautiful and oh, so good you are,” he kissed the side of her neck. She turned to look at him and he knew he was forgiven. He still couldn’t give her the words she needed but he was willing to give her as much truth as he could. She held up a spoonful of ice cream for him and he took it without breaking eye contact with her. Delighted, he smiled when it was her that came to taste the ice cream on him.


to be continued…

Chapter 15




“Can we go home?” Buffy asked, breaking away from the kiss.

Stunned by her request, Spike stared inquisitively down into her eyes. He wasn’t mistaken. She wanted to have sex. He swallowed. He knew it was passion for him not just a need to get laid. Buffy wanted him. She trusted him with her body and liked the pleasure he could give her. The thought humbled him. Never had anyone looked at him the way she did.

And it shamed him as he remembered that only an hour ago he had been flirting with Fred and wondering if they had a second chance when Buffy left. What was wrong with him? How could he ever go back to the mindless flirtations who shared his bed when she was gone? He was never going to be the same because of her. He knew what it was like to be looked at in adoration. To have someone think he was special just the way he was.

She doesn’t know everything, you stupid git. Would she still look at you the same if she knew?

Hardly anyone knew. He had trusted very few with the truth to his past. He closed his eyes, trying to get his thoughts together when he heard Buffy sigh.

“Forget it,” Buffy said, returning to merely playing with her ice cream. He covered her hand with his.

“Let me see if I can get this to go,” Spike said, softly. He rubbed his thumb across the back of her hand before picking up the bowl and taking it to the counter. It was transferred to a takeout dish without any problems. He added a package of snack bars to the bag before going back to get Buffy.

Neither one of them said anything on the way home. This time she sat next to him on the front seat. Their thighs pressed together. He reached over to take her hand and place it on his leg. She didn’t snatch it back. Instead, her hand slipped between his legs, idly stroking until he was ready to scream in need.

He practically dragged her at a run from the car to the apartment. She laughed at him when he dropped the keys while trying to unlock the door. He knew he was acting like he was a horny teenager about to be laid for the first time. She excited him like no one else had in a very long time. After he managed to get the door open, he threw the snack bars into the freezer before heading to the bedroom.

“Spike,” Buffy said from the doorway.

He froze. It was over. Something had spooked her. Maybe he had acted too eager and scared her. He set the melting sundae on the nightstand, resigning himself to the fact that it wasn’t going to happen. He turned to her to catch her grinning at him. It lit up her entire being and he relaxed. She walked toward him slowly while undoing her braid. She shook her hair out then reached for the hem of her shirt.

“Oh, Luv,” Spike said, when the garment hit the floor. “You sure do know how to tease me.”

“Not wanting to tease you,” Buffy said, undoing her jeans. “I just want you.”

“I want you too.”

She stopped in front of him dressed only in her bra and panties. He reached for her to close the gap of a few inches between them. Her arms twined around him, holding him against her. Her mouth was waiting for his kiss. She needed no prodding to open her mouth. Her tongue darted into his mouth, making him groan with the need she had for him. It was overwhelming to think that only a week ago he had no clue that this girl would be changing his life again.

Spike picked her up and laid her gently on the bed. She sighed from the loss of contact when he reached for the bowl of ice cream. He smiled as her eyes opened wide at him holding a spoon of melting mixture over her belly. She didn’t protest so he didn’t stop. He drizzled it across the soft plane of her stomach. Being sillier and feeling more romantic than he had in forever, he drew a heart before putting down his tools. A smile was his present as she realized what he had done. Her fingers threaded through his hair when he bent down to lick it off.

“It tickles,” Buffy giggled.

“You taste…,” Spike stopped, unsure of what he could say and not say.

Their eyes met then she pushed at him. “On your back, mister,” Buffy ordered, coming over to straddle him. She reached for the ice cream, flashed him a wicked smile then proceeded to make her own designs on his chest and stomach. He flinched from the cold but didn’t want to protest. He didn’t want her to stop.

“I like it when you talk to me…when we’re like this,” Buffy said, licking fudge syrup off his nipple. “I just don’t like…certain words.” She followed a track down his stomach. “It just makes me remember things I don’t want to.” Her tongue cleaned out his belly button before she glanced up at him. “But feel free to talk all you want.”

“Yeah? You want me to talk to you?” Spike teased, flipping them again.

“Hey, I wasn’t finished,” Buffy protested.

He rubbed himself over her so that the ice cream was smeared over them both. He flicked open her bra, setting her breasts free. With his finger he trailed ice cream over them, paying particular attention to her nipples.

“I’m just getting started,” Spike said, kissing the tip of one pebbled nipple. “You are so beautiful.” He looked up. “You, not the nipple, but, of course, it’s beautiful, too.”

Buffy giggled again. Her smile was one of pure happiness and he swore he never wanted to break her heart. No matter what it cost him.

“I love the softness of your belly,” Spike whispered. His hand ran reverently over it. “You are all woman.” My woman. “You make me feel like a man.”

“You are,” Buffy whispered. Her fingers caressed his shoulders and the nape of his neck.

“I thought I was your hero…your angel with wings.”

“Come here,” Buffy said, pulling on his arm until he covered her. Her legs drew up on either side of him. “You are my hero, my angel…”

Please don’t say it…yet. I’m not ready.

“My best friend,” Buffy finished without saying what he feared. “No one has ever taken care of me the way you do or has made me feel so safe. With you here, I feel like I can do anything.”

“You can,” Spike said. “With or without me.”

A shadow passed over her eyes as she remembered the rules. There were only a couple of days left to find out the truth then it would be time for her to leave. He wanted to kick himself for saying it. For hurting her but he wasn’t ready to make promises he didn’t know if he could keep. So, it was the only thing he could do.

“I remember, Spike,” Buffy said. “You don’t need to remind me.”

“Buffy, I…”

“Shush, we’re still together and I want to make the most of every moment.”

She drew his head down for a kiss and he became lost in her again. Her hands touching him trying to learn what pleased him. Kisses that became more passionate with each one. And her body losing control as he played it with questing hands. The sounds she made, the panting of her breath, all of it led to one thing. There wasn’t a part of him that wasn’t involved in this act. Never before had anyone taken so much from him. Rational thought was an impossibility because he was drowning in this girl. His need for her encompassed everything he was.

Needing more, he moved them so he was leaning against the headboard and she was straddling him. Her hands propped on his shoulders, she sank down onto his length. Her tiny gasp as she took him all in was lost in his kiss. He kept his hands on her hips as she started to move. It was slow and sweet just like she was. Their eyes locked until they couldn’t take it anymore. Buffy threw her head back as her orgasm rocked her body then buried her face against his neck while she rode him to his. Afterwards he slid them down onto the bed, tucking her body in next to his before pulling the covers over them.

“Sleep for a while,” Spike whispered when she murmured there were things to do. “Later, it will still be there. I want to hold you for a little longer.”

~~~~~~~~

Spike woke with her still tucked beside him. She was awake. He could tell in the persistent pattern she was drawing on his arm with her fingertips.

“What are you thinking about?” Spike asked, kissing her shoulder.

“Just stuff,” Buffy said, tilting her head to peer back at him. He kissed the corner of her mouth.

“What kind of stuff?”

She turned onto her back and cupped his cheek. Whatever was on her mind was worrying her. He could see it reflected in her eyes.

“We need to get up,” Buffy whispered, drawing a finger across his lips. “We’re supposed to be at Cordelia’s in a little while.”

“Did I do something wrong?” Spike asked, propping himself up on his elbow.

“No, you haven’t done anything. I was just thinking of what I needed to do to get ready to go to Seattle.”

It felt like a punch to the gut. They had discussed her leaving. She had told him that she wanted to go to college but he had thought it was all talk. That maybe she would return home and they would have time to sort things out.

“What’s in Seattle, Luv?” He asked, half-laughing just because it seemed surreal that they were having this conversation.

“The University of Seattle, Spike,” Buffy said. “I was accepted to start in the fall. It’s one of the top ten universities in the west.”

“You’re going to go now?” Spike asked. There was still months before the fall term would be starting.

“I need to start making a life,” Buffy said. “I can go and get settled. Maybe work part-time.” She laughed. “Figure out how to get out the front door.”

“It sounds like you’ve got this all thought out.”

“I have to,” Buffy said quietly. “I can’t go home and I can’t stay here. Where else is there for me to go?”

With that she pulled away from him and got out of bed. He watched as she made her way to the bathroom and with a last shy smile closed the door behind her. It was his fault. He wiped at his face and flopped on his back. All he had to do was ask and he knew she would stay. But what was best for her? And did he really want to be in another long term relationship?

He couldn’t just live with Buffy. She was the kind of girl that deserved the commitment, the ring and the wedding. Hell, she deserved the happily ever after ending and he just didn’t know if he was the man for it.

So, what did he do now? There was only two days left in their agreement. It seemed she was ready to start leaving him. And he knew she would. She was right. After having lost four years, she needed to start building a life.

It was all too much. There was too much to think about. And he wasn’t ready. He stood to make his way to the bathroom. He smiled as he turned the handle and found the door unlocked. Her walls were coming down. He pulled the shower curtain open.

“Took you long enough,” Buffy said, stepping back.


to be continued…

Chapter 16



Spike snuck another sideway glance at Buffy as he pulled the car onto Angel’s road. She was looking out the window, watching the small suburban streets go by. For some reason he couldn’t take his eyes off her this night. The beauty of the woman was emerging from the shell of a girl.

There wasn’t a major difference in her appearance. Her hair was hanging in the usual braid down her back, but tonight she had braided both sides before they dropped into the one long one. She had also raided his closet again. This time borrowing a burgundy silk shirt that one of his exes had given him. She tucked it into a pair of black jeans that were a better fit than most of the ones she wore. The pulling on the material made it conform to her curves outlining the swell of her breasts and teasing him with the merest hint of the lace on her bra. It was all subtle changes, but the confidence she was gaining made her stunning.

“It’s going to be okay,” Spike said, softly as he turned the ignition off. “Cordy already loves you and Angel will, too, just because we do.”

“It’s just been a long day,” Buffy said, obviously trying to explain away her quietness. She reached for his hand. “I’ll be all right.”

“More than all right, pet,” Spike whispered, scooting across the seat. He kissed her, letting his lips drift across hers. “You’re going to do as wonderfully as you usually do.”

“Flatterer,” Buffy said, stroking his chin with her fingertips. She smiled. “I appreciate the kind words though.”

“That and the ice cream, Luv?”

“Always the ice cream,” Buffy managed to say before his lips descended on hers. She opened her mouth to him, letting his tongue dive in to taste her sweetness.

Their afternoon had been spent in an idyllic haze of lovemaking and touches as they prepared for the evening. Buffy’s innate sensuality was satisfying him in ways that he had never been before. In her arms he opened his soul to their lovemaking, letting it take him to new heights.

“Mmmm, I guess we should go in,” Spike said, breaking away from her. He rubbed her nose with his. “I don’t think they invited us over to make out in their driveway.”

“I don’t think so,” Buffy said. She took her first real look at the modest home on a quiet side street. It wasn’t a large house. She would describe it as a starter home but it was big enough for the small family that lived there. “It’s pretty,” Buffy stated as she stepped from the car. “They must be happy here.”

“They are,” Spike said, taking her hand to lead her to the front door.

He crossed the fingers on his other hand hoping that this would go well. He felt as nervous as Buffy must. Angel and Cordelia had become his surrogate parents in so many ways since his father had died. They had filled the gaps when his mother’s illnesses left her unable to cope with a rebelling teenager boy. When his mother had finally passed on herself when he was fifteen, the couple had taken him to live with them in their small apartment. From them he had gotten the love and support he needed to get himself together.

Other than Drusilla, he had never brought any of the women he dated to their home. By accepting Angel’s invitation he had admitted to them and to himself that Buffy was more important than just a casual fling. He still didn’t know where they would end up as a couple, but having everyone get along was important to him.

Taking a deep breath he knocked on the door then squeezed Buffy’s hand. She squeezed back then leaned against him for a moment. The sweet smell of the flower scent she wore wafted over him, comforting and enticing him. In that moment of realizing that she could do that for him with just the merest touch, he finally admitted what he was feeling for her.

He was falling in love with this woman who had more courage than anyone he had ever met. Her strength of will was an inspiration to him. The joy of her arms was heaven and her touch made him feel whole. It took his very breath away. And somehow it just felt right to feel this way.

“Hey, you two,” Cordelia said as she opened the front door wide. She smiled completely unaware of what she had interrupted. “Come on in.”

Spike was disappointed. He wanted to bask in his newly acknowledged feelings just for a moment. But he smiled and played the proper guest. He went to hug and kiss Cordelia like he always did but then remembered this afternoon at the lab. So, while still holding Buffy’s hand, he gave Cordy’s cheek a quick peck.

“Hello,” Spike said. “Where is hubby and child?”

“Playing,” Cordelia said, closing the door behind them. “Hi, Buffy, when I talked to Spike earlier on the phone he said you’ve had quite a day.”

“Hi,” Buffy said, smiling. “It’s been interesting.”

“Did Fred call you with DNA results?” Cordelia asked, leading them into the living room. With a sweep of her arm she indicated for them to take a seat.

“She called,” Spike said, leading Buffy to the loveseat. “But Captain Roberts wanted the results first so we’re to meet in his office tomorrow morning.”

“That’s got to be frustrating,” Angel said from the doorway. Holding his hand was Connor, their four-year-old son.

“Don’t have much choice,” Spike said, holding his arms out for the boy. Connor broke into a grin and ran to him. Gathering Connor onto his lap, Spike turned to Buffy. “Buffy, I’d like you to meet Connor. Connor, this is my friend, Buffy.”

“She your girlfriend,” Connor announced, with a finger pointed at Buffy. “Mommy and Daddy were talking about her.”

Spike could almost feel Buffy shrink back into the cushions. He cast an irritated look at his cousin and wife. He wasn’t sure if it was for making Buffy uncomfortable or talking about her in the first place. His protective side was roaring its head in case they had banded against Buffy.

“Yeah, she’s my girlfriend,” Spike agreed, reaching for Buffy’s hand. “I hope your parents were only saying good things.”

Connor gave an enthusiastic nod and patted Buffy’s hand being held in Spike’s. “Mommy says Buffy pretty and she makes you smile.”

“Hey, didn’t like the implication there,” Cordelia said, sitting on the arm of the sofa next to Spike. She slipped an arm around Spike, laying her hand on Buffy’s shoulder. “Don’t worry, Spike, you should know me enough to know that if I had a problem with anything I would tell you to your face. I’ve certainly done it enough times.”

“Same here,” Angel said, sitting on the couch opposite of them. “Hi, Buffy, I’m Angel.” He held his hand out over the coffee table to shake hers. “I’ve heard a lot about you. And it was all good, I promise.”

“Hello,” Buffy whispered. She tentatively put her hand in Angel’s, allowing him to shake it. “I appreciate you all inviting me over.”

There was an awkward silence for a moment as they realized they weren’t sure why Buffy was there other than for Angel to check her out. They had only been there for a few minutes and there had already been one misunderstanding. Buffy’s hand was trembling in his, Connor was chattering about his day at pre-school, and the adults were quiet.

Spike knew he had to do something before the situation totally disintegrated. His mind was running in fifty directions trying to find something when Buffy surprised him.

“Cordelia said you were in security,” Buffy asked, directing her question at Angel. “What exactly do you do?”

Her hand was sweating and trembling even more now that she had spoken. He squeezed it, stroking it with his thumb. Pride swelled his chest as Angel started to answer her question. He knew it was going to be okay. A few minutes later they moved into the kitchen where Cordelia served them dinner. Angel was still explaining his company while Spike and Cordy rolled their eyes behind his back. Once he got started he could discuss the finer points of home alarms and body guards for hours. But what mattered was that Buffy was fitting in with the most important people in Spike’s life.

~~~~~~~

By the time Buffy excused herself to use the restroom she felt ready to explode. She hurried off in the direction that she had been given barely taking the time to notice the surroundings. It was on the way back to the kitchen that she stopped to look at the family pictures that hung on the wall in the hallway.

They told a story of a happy family filled with achievements and togetherness. There were pictures that told of Angel and Cordelia’s relationship from the beginning to the birth of their son then family portraits of his progression. A photo hung of a younger Spike standing with an older man and woman. His parents? She gazed hungrily at the ones of Spike. Of the little boy he was playing on a playground with his cousin Angel. There were pictures of them all as they graduated from high school, college or the police academy.

“I see you got caught on our bragging wall,” Angel said, leaning against the opposite wall. A hand gestured toward the photos. “All of our shining moments in one place.”

“You seem to be a happy family,” Buffy said. “Exactly what a perfect family should be.”

“Don’t do that to us. We are far from perfect.”

Buffy looked down, letting her gaze sweep over herself in a critical assessment of her looks and life. Why was it only when she was in Spike’s arms did she feel that she was okay? Was it just an illusion? Did she feel that his perfection rubbed off on her and she could bask for a moment in the normalness of his life?

“Buffy, we’re not perfect,” Angel said, coming to her side. He tilted her chin up to look at him. “The pictures only tell the story of the good times. The moments that we’ve achieved in spite of the bad times we’ve gone through. Don’t think you’re not good enough for us.”

“How can you say that?” Buffy said. “I’m just a kid who only got through high school because a tutor came to my house two days a week. I’ve got this past that…”

“Spike never told you, did he?” Angel said, interrupting her tirade.

She shook her head.

“Damn him,” Angels said, with a sigh. He took her hand, only raising an eyebrow when she tried to pull it back. “You love my cousin, don’t you?”

“I don’t know,” Buffy mumbled.

“Yes, you do,” Angel said, squeezing her hand. “And he loves you so that makes us family.” He tugged her toward the kitchen despite her dragging her feet.

Buffy was so stunned by Angel’s announcement that she couldn’t move. If Angel hadn’t been pulling her along, she felt that she would have collapsed on the floor. Not once had she ever thought that Spike could love her. Care about her, be her friend, yes, but never love her. Not when he wanted her gone the day after next.

“Cuz,” Angel said, stopping by the table. “For some reason Buffy thinks this family is perfect. And that you’re too good for her because somehow you haven’t been tainted by life. Don’t you think it’s time to tell her everything?”

Spike stared at his cousin. His mouth opened and closed several times before shaking his head. “I don’t know if I can,” was all he said. He buried his face in his hands. There was a slight tremble to his body as if he was overwhelmed.

Buffy took a seat in the chair next to him.

“Its okay, Spike,” she said, wrapping her hand around his arm.

“No, it’s not,” Cordelia said. “Spike, you need to start letting go. It’s over with. It wasn’t your fault.”

“And it’s not like you don’t know everything there is to know about Buffy,” Angel added.

Spike snapped his head up to look at Buffy. She felt his confusion and hoped that he understood she only wanted to know because she cared. Somewhere in the past few days he had become so much more than a protector to her. He was her friend and her lover. He laughed with her, played with her, and understood both her dreams and fears. She loved him with all the promises that life had to offer.

“It’s up to you, Spike,” Buffy said, letting her thumb caress his arm. “I hope that you trust me with whatever it is, but I’ll understand if you don’t.”

~~~~~~~

Spike continued to stare at Buffy. There was a spark in her eyes that wasn’t even there when they made love. It warmed him, making him feel safe with her. If there was going to be any relationship, whether it was a friendship or something more than she had the right to know everything. She had the right to decide if she could live with the reality of the man he was and not just the man she thought he was. And he wanted to know if there was a chance she could before he got in too deep.

“Come on, pet,” Spike said, standing up. He turned to Angel. “Okay, if we do this just the two of us?”

“Sure, Spike, whatever you need.”

Taking her hand he led her to the enclosed rear patio. There was a loveseat swing hanging on one end of the porch. He took a seat, pulling her down beside him. Already he was hearing his father’s voice in his head telling him how disappointing he was. Spike leaned forward, covering his face with his hands. Buffy’s leaned closer to him and he wanted to hold onto her, letting her chase away the nightmares that still haunted him.

“My dad was a cop,” Spike started, sitting back but still staring at the ground. Anywhere but at piercing green eyes that saw too much and had invaded so much of his life. “And he fit the profile of the old time cops, very tough and macho. He wanted me to be the spitting image of him. Even when I was little and would skin my knee or something, he’d tell me to suck it up and be a man.”

Spike puffed out his chest in an imitation of how he remembered his father to be.

“How could you be a man when you were only a little boy?” Buffy asked with her eyes wide.

“It’s what he expected,” Spike said, shrugging. “Boys didn’t cry and I learned not to let him see me. I would rather have swallowed back the worst pain in the world instead of facing the ridicule he’d give me if he saw a tear.”

“Oh, Spike, that wasn’t fair. Where was your mother?”




“My mum was always sickly and I tried to take care of her,” Spike said with a laugh. “My father wanted me playing sports like Angel did, but I was spending a lot of time indoors, reading to her, and helping her out with the chores.”

He stopped to take a ragged breath. Memories flooded over him. The images of his father trying to teach him to play football when he was worried if his mother had taken her medicine on time still hurt him. The scorn he endured because he would cook dinner then washed the dishes afterwards.

It was women’s work and his father never let him forget. He’d even gone so far as to buy his son a pink apron to wear when he was in the kitchen. Maybe he was only hoping that the mockery would toughen Spike up and make him want to be more like his father. It only made the situation worse and encouraged an anger that still hadn’t faded.

“Didn’t he understand you loved your mother and that you were only trying to protect her?” Buffy asked, taking his hand.

“No, not really,” he laughed. “He resented Mum. He married her because she was this beautiful petite English china doll and then didn’t understand why she was weak.”

“What did she do about your father?” Buffy asked. “I mean about the way he treated you. Did she try to stop him?”

“How could she? She was dependent on him for everything,” Spike said, putting his arm around Buffy’s shoulder. “She married him when she was nineteen and never worked a day in her life. What was she going to do? Make him angrier? She was terrified of being kicked out.”

His mum always told him that he had to behave. He couldn’t upset his father. He just had to try harder. But it was never enough. Torn between trying to please a father who wanted an All American boy and a mother who needed him to care for her, it always felt like no matter what he did, it wasn’t enough.

“She let you be abused?” Buffy asked bitterly. “She could have found a way if she wanted.”

“I wasn’t abused,” Spike said, looking at Buffy in surprise. “We just didn’t get along. I was never good enough for him and he wasn’t bashful in letting me know it.” He shrugged.

His father had never raised a hand to him. His words had often been harsh. He was never given affection by the man who raised him. But he never lacked for food, clothes, or other necessities. Being a cop, he knew what abuse was. It wasn’t him.

“How did it end?” Buffy asked.

“He died in a car accident. In the car with him was the woman he was having an affair with and her seven-year-old son,” Spike answered, detachedly. Not once had he ever let himself really accept what happened. If he did then he would have to accept his own failure. “The little boy was killed, too. Apparently my dad had been seeing her for awhile. Telling us he was working overtime when he was with her and the boy who was fulfilling his dreams.”

“What do you mean?”

Spike looked over at her with a wan smile. “I found out that the little boy was everything I wasn’t. He was into soccer, little league, a real sports type.” He swallowed back the lump in his throat. “Maybe, just maybe if I had been enough for him the kid wouldn’t have been in the car.”

“Oh, Spike,” Buffy said, snuggling closer. Her arms snaked around him, holding him tight. “It wasn’t your fault. Your father made his own decisions and you were barely more than a child yourself.”

“Didn’t feel like it, Luv,” Spike said.

“How did you and your mother cope?”

“It wasn’t really one of our brighter moments,” Spike said. “We got through it though. We got the police widow and survivor pension to help keep a roof over our heads. I did odd jobs to help bring money in. My Mum ended up clinging to me tighter. She wanted me to take over the household and run everything. I was all she had so I did. The bills, the shopping, the housework, taking care of her and school, too.” He laughed. “I worked my ass off but I guess it wasn’t enough. She died when I was fifteen. I think she just gave up.”

“How sad for her,” Buffy said. “Is that when you went to live with Angel and Cordelia?”

“Yeah, I got so scared that I’d end up in a shelter or something,” Spike said, with a shiver. “They showed up as soon as they got the news and took me home with them. I gave them hell because I was so angry about everything but mostly at myself. I kept going over everything I could have done differently but nothing changed. It took months but I finally settled down. They made me face who I was.”

“Someone very special,” Buffy whispered.

“Don’t think that, Luv,” Spike said. “Told you before that I’m just a man and sometimes a very fucked up man at that.”

“But you’re always trying to be the hero,” Buffy said. “And you’ve saved me twice now.” She chuckled. “In my book that makes you special.”

Spike shook his head. She just didn’t understand. How could she? She’d been the golden girl, growing up with money, looks and personality. What happened to her had happened outside her world. He’d grown up in a world that didn’t accept him, where he didn’t fit in even with his family. Sure, Angel and he had always been friends but he reasoned they were forced to because they were related.

Not being able to accept her pity, he stood and started to pace. He was on the second turn when she stood in front of him. Her hands cupped his face. The kiss she bestowed was filled with so much love it made him ache. If only she did love him. If only life was fairer than what it was, maybe they had a chance. But one day he would let her down like everyone else. It was one of the reasons he wanted her to leave. That way she would remember him as her hero.

“Stop it,” Buffy ordered. “I don’t want you to be perfect. Not when I’m as messed up as I am.”

“I’m not who you want me to be,” Spike said, holding her wrists to try to keep her away from him. He needed to make sure she understood that he would disillusion her eventually. “No matter how much I’d like to fit that fantasy, this man doesn’t have wings or a sword.”

“No, you have something better. Honor and courage,” Buffy said. “I want you just the way you are. Let’s go home so I can show you how much.”

Without waiting for an answer she took his hand to lead him back into the house to make their good-nights. He meekly followed the girl who was shining a beam of light into his soul. Angel and Cordelia shooed them out the door with grins on their faces.

The ride home was made in silence but she was beside him. This time when they stopped the car, there was no running, no laughing as she led him through the parking lot and inside the house. Spike locked the front door then followed her through the darkened living room into the bedroom. She had lit a few candles around the room. Afraid it was only a dream, he didn’t say anything. He watched her undress then come to him with only a smile.


Her hands were gentle as she undressed him. Soft caresses were trailed across his skin as she pulled his clothes off. The invitation was clear when she lay across his bed, her hand held out to him. He followed her down, accepting her control when she covered his body with hers. She kissed and nipped her way from his chest to his stomach then lower. Her mouth heated as she pleasured him.

And he wanted to believe.


to be continued….

Chapter 17




Spike stepped out of the bathroom pulling up a pair of navy blue sweat pants. He left them hanging low on his hips as his hand moved upwards to scratch at his growling belly. He opened his mouth to take a crack at Buffy, because she had left him alone in bed again. And he, really, hated waking up without her there.

But she wasn’t in the kitchen like he assumed she would be. The living room was empty. He glanced back in the bedroom but she wasn’t there. He hurried to the patio to see if she was there but it, too, was empty. Confused he looked around the small apartment. The front door was firmly locked, the chains still looped across. So, she hadn’t left. He remembered her hiding in the bathtub at the hotel and took off to search there.

A small sob tore through the silence, making him turn around. He looked back at the door leading to his tiny laundry room. Another strangled cry reached him and he ran to pull the door open. Buffy was there, curled up on top of the washer, the phone at her feet, and her arms wrapped around her legs. She didn’t look up at him.

“Buffy, what’s wrong?” Spike murmured, reaching for her.

She pulled away from him, shrinking back into the wall. “Don’t touch me,” Buffy shrieked. “Please, don’t touch me.” This time it was a quieter plea.

Spike threw his hands up and backed up into the dryer. He took a small hop so that he was sitting on top of it.

“Will you talk to me?”

“No, I just…please, leave me alone,” Buffy moaned, her hands going to clutch at her head. “I’m so confused.”

“Well, let me help…”

“No, because it’s you,” Buffy said. “I have to get out of here.”

She jumped down, taking off toward the bedroom. He followed slowly. By the time he got there she had already pulled her suitcase out and was turning to the dresser. Her sobs were making her movements shaky and she dropped half the clothes she was pulling out.

“Where are you going to go, lamb?”

“Away…I have to get away from here…” Buffy mumbled. “It’s all wrong…I’m all wrong,” she waved one hand in the air. “This is all wrong…we’re all wrong.”

If it wasn’t so tragic, Spike would have laughed at the melodrama Buffy was spewing. She continued to talk to herself as she packed. He was hoping she would wear herself out and talk to him. But whatever was bothering her was growing in proportion instead of calming.

“What’s wrong?”

“You,” Buffy screamed. “Me…this…what are doing?”

“Trying to find out what happened to Faith,” Spike said. He took a step forward. She didn’t move so he took another one. “Becoming friends…lovers…whatever we want to be.”

“No, it’s wrong.”

“Why is it wrong? What happened?” He remembered the phone. Something clicked in his mind and he knew what or rather who had happened. “Were you talking to your mother?”

Buffy nodded her head as she wrapped her arms around herself. She sniffled loudly. Spike was tired of it and he closed the few remaining feet between them. He scooped her up, despite her protests, and carried her back into the living room. He sat down with his arms holding her on his lap.

“Now, tell me what she said that got you this upset,” Spike ordered.

“I called her because I wanted to find out if I could go back home for a few weeks,” Buffy whispered, playing idly with the strands of hair on his chest. “She kept asking me why and I finally said that I wasn’t sure where you and I were going.” The tears returned in gulping sobs and Spike pulled her closer. She buried her face in his neck. “It’s not true is it, Spike?”

“You have to tell me what it is first.”

His arms held her even tighter while his fingers soothed a circle along her back.

“My mom said that…you wanted me when I was fourteen. That you had a crush on me, called me Sunshine, and you sleeping with me was just playing on those fantasies.”

“She is really amazing,” Spike said, shaking his head. Then the situation took hold of him and he found himself choking back a sob. He let his head fall back on the couch while he tried to regain control of his emotions. After several long moments he laughed and said, “One of these days I am going to strangle that woman.”

Buffy’s eyes grew wide and he smiled. “Figuratively pet, not literally.” He sighed. “We all called you Sunshine. Everyone on the force did, not just me. You were the girl we all wanted to date in high school, the kind of daughter we wanted and the women all wanted to be like you. You didn’t even realize how much power you had, did you?”

She shook her head still staring at him.

“You were the golden girl,” Spike explained. “The beautiful cheerleader with the heart of gold…almost too perfect to be real. We all had a crush on you in a way. We were obsessed with finding you; even us guys on routine patrol were searching. See, if you got tarnished then it proved that life was really as bad as our jobs tell us it is. I was protective of you. I didn’t want to let you go. I found you, took the chains off and carried you out of there. I wanted it all to go away.”

Her fingertips drifted over his face. “Me, too,” Buffy whispered.

She closed her eyes and he knew there was something else. Joyce Summers wouldn’t be happy unless she could dump her poison on everything and everyone.

“What else did she say so that we can get that explained away, too?” Spike asked with a chuckle.

“This…I’ve read about it online, too,” Buffy said, softly. She took a glimpse at him through her lashes before looking away. “Someone who has been…sexually abused can sometimes feel that the only way they are of any worth is through the act itself.”

Spike felt like he had been punched in the stomach. He knew where she was going. This was something he wasn’t sure they could get through.

“My mom says that’s what I’m doing with you,” Buffy said, pulling away from him. She continued to stay perched on him but she wasn’t cuddled against him anymore. “I slept with you so quickly because I think it’s the only way I can get approval from you. She said that I need to go back to therapy for it before I go to school. That I’ll end up sleeping with any man that asks…whether I like him or not just because I want to feel like I’m somebody,” Buffy turned to him. Her expression was beseeching him to make it better. “But I don’t feel like that. The first time I went to you, I wanted to feel something. Be pretty; make you happy but not every time.” She threw her arms around his neck. “I love you so much. It’s why I want to be with you. I don’t want anyone else to even look at me much less touch me.”

A shudder ran through her slender body at the mere thought of anyone else wanting her. Spike started to rock her back and forth. The words he hadn’t been prepared to hear had been spoken. She trusted him with all of her. She wanted honesty. How could he lie now?

“Buffy, sit up,” Spike said, pushing her away. He cupped her cheeks, letting his thumbs wipe away her tears. “I love you, too. So much that it scares me. Yeah, it happened fast and there are probably a thousand therapists out there that could give us a bunch of psychological bullshit about it. But I know what I feel and so do you. What we are doing isn’t wrong. We’ve both been hurt and we know a good thing when we’ve found it. Do you understand?”

“You really love me?” She asked with wonder in her voice.

“Yeah, I love you,” Spike said, with a smile. “Don’t worry about what everyone else says or thinks. We’ll work out what’s best for us. Okay?”

She nodded, breaking out in a smile. Unable to resist the beauty before him, Spike pulled her down for a kiss. Soon, the world was spinning away and he went to lay her down on the couch when the alarm clock went off in the bedroom. He glanced up at the VCR and cursed when he saw the time.

“We need to get ready to go, don’t we?” Buffy said. Her tiny hands clutched at his upper arms as if she was afraid he would disappear.

“Yeah,” Spike said, with a sigh. “Let’s go get this over with then we can worry about us.” She nodded. “Go take a shower first and I’ll make breakfast.”

“Okay,” Buffy agreed, giving him a quick kiss before retreating into the bathroom.

Spike headed for the kitchen and the phone still on the washing machine. Although he had told Buffy the truth as he saw it, he still needed someone to reassure him. To tell him that he wasn’t the pervert that Mrs. Summers thought he was. He quickly dialed the number, relieved when it was Cordelia who answered. Sinking down on the floor, he unburdened his heart to the only other woman he really trusted.


~~~~~~~

Cordelia carefully laid the phone on the table next to the couch. She felt fragile, as if she would break into a thousand pieces if she made the wrong move. Her emotions were turning inside out, weaving through her heart and lodging in her throat. Spike’s heart wrenching confessions left the counselor in her reassuring the man. And the woman in her wanted to hold him until his soul had healed.

The boy he had been was still alive inside the man. Every insult, rebuke, and rejection haunted his soul and left him afraid. His love / hate relationship with his mother left him unsure of how to handle relationships. He was either in too deep or barely treading shallow water.

Drusilla had coveted Spike, seducing him into an affair with her. He had fallen head over heels in love with the sophisticated beauty. There was nothing he wouldn’t have done for her. To Cordelia their relationship often mirrored the one he had with his mother. He was the nurturer, the one who handled the problems, the house, and bore the responsibility of making Drusilla happy. When he needed to be taken care of, she had left him.

This time, with Buffy, was different. He was frightened of the feelings he felt, unsure if they were healthy for him or for her. They were both so damaged that they clung to one another in an effort to be normal. Together they were a strong unit, their weaknesses and strengths balancing each other out.

It was what she had told him. She had carefully laid out her observations in a clinical manner, knowing he needed that rather than emotions. But she had also reminded him of the drawbacks of the relationship between the two.

The difference in their ages, education and life experiences created a gulf that could be breached, but only with a tremendous amount of work. Could Buffy handle being the girlfriend or even the wife of a cop? Could he handle being with a college student who would go through emotional growth spurts the more she was out in the world. Could he find peace with her parents? And finally she reminded him that they were presently in a very idyllic situation removed from reality and they might see things differently when an every day routine was established.

Cordelia wasn’t sure if she had said the right things or if she had helped or hindered their relationship with her advice. With a sigh she stood and went to find her own husband. And to tell him that she would be accompanying the couple to the police station. Both were in emotional quandaries and she hoped that a calming presence might help them through this.

~~~~~~~

After having to wait for awhile on the bench outside Captain’s Roberts office, the trio was finally shown in. They settled in the chairs that the captain indicated while Kate perched on the corner of the desk. She smiled at them, especially Buffy.

“Did you get the results?” Spike asked, wiping his hands on the thighs of his jeans. He was more nervous than he had previously thought he would be.

“Yes, we did,” Captain Roberts replied, leaning forward on his forearms. “It’s as Buffy said. The DNA on the underwear confirms that it was worn by someone other than her.”

“So, what do we do now?” Buffy asked, reaching for Spike’s hand.

“There’s more,” Kate said, glancing back at the senior officer and allowing him to finish with the news.

“There was more than one DNA on there,” Roberts said. “There was also semen from Lance Peterson.”

The small hand wrapped in his almost broke Spike’s fingers at the news. He placed his other hand on top of hers to help her through.

“The only bad thing, Buffy,” Kate said, “We don’t know if they belong to Faith. There is no DNA to match with it to prove anything.”

“Can’t we see if we can find her parents or relatives? They might still have something of hers.” Cordelia asked. “She was pretty young and on the streets. Maybe she left home but was too old to report as a runaway.”

“No,” Buffy said strongly. She gave a quick glance to everyone. “What if I’m wrong? I mean, what if they aren’t Faith’s? We track down her family and tell them we might know what happened but we’re not sure. Give them hope they might finally have some answers, and yank it away if I’m wrong. It’s too much to put them through until we know something for sure.”

“You’re going on the assumption someone might care,” Spike said, gently. “She might have been a throwaway or something.”

“And I tried talking to the Peterson’s,” Kate said. “Myself and my partner went out to their house last night but they were uncooperative. They’re still claiming he’s innocent.”

“Bollocks,” Spike exclaimed. “They know he’s guilty just as surely as we do. If they had made him take some kind of responsibility for his life then he might not be sitting up in that cell now.”

“I’m afraid we’ve come to a stand still then,” Roberts said. “Without proof of whose DNA it is, a body or a confession, we don’t have anything to go on.” He shrugged. “They can’t convict a man on testimony from someone who has been, well,” He waved his hand then dropped it on his desk.

“You mean a crazy person,” Buffy said, straightening up as she finished the Captain’s thought. “You said a confession, right?”

“What are we going to do?” Kate asked, with a chuckle. “Walk up to him and ask him.”

“Yes,” Buffy said. “Let me talk to him. He used to talk to me all the time, rambling on about stuff. Maybe the shock of seeing me and having me ask about her after all this time might make him say something he doesn’t intend to.”

“No,” Spike said. “There has got to be another way.”

“She has a point,” Roberts said. “It might just work. Either he’ll say something that will give us a starting point or might jog something in Buffy’s memory that will help.”

“Are you sure you can handle this?” Cordelia asked leaning over to rub Buffy’s back.

“Yeah,” Buffy nodded.

Spike was furious. How could they be calmly talking about letting Buffy any where near that monster? She wasn’t ready for this in spite of what she said. He jumped up, startling the others with his movement. He turned to face Buffy.

“I said no,” Spike said. “I won’t allow you to do this. It’s too dangerous.”

“Don’t tell me what to do,” Buffy shouted, standing to face him. “It’s the only way without possibly putting Faith’s parents through hell. I can do it.”

“Listen to me, pet,” Spike said, calmly. He put his hands on her shoulders, rubbing them as he leaned his forehead on hers. “I’m worried about you. It could send you to that dark place where I can’t find you.”

“You’ll find me,” Buffy said, cupping his cheeks. “I trust you to do that but don’t try and stop me. I told you that I would do this with or without you and I will.”

“Spike,” Cordelia broke through. “You have to let her try. It’s not your decision to make. It’s hers. If you try and stop her than you are no better than her mother.”

That stopped him cold. It was what he was doing. The cop in him knew they were right. All they could do was hope that she was as ready as she thought she was. If anyone could get something out of Peterson, it would be Buffy. She was his living trophy and probably the only one who really knew him.

The man in him admired her courage in spite of his own reservations. He was scared of losing her but knew she had to learn to fly on her own. It was time to start letting go. His face revealed the resignation and helplessness he felt at his decision. He threw his arms out and said, “I guess we’re going to the prison.”




to be continued…

Chapter 18



The closer they came to the prison, the more nervous Buffy became. Knowing that he was more of a hindrance to her after his outburst, Spike remained in the front seat, while Cordelia sat in the back with her. Kate drove the small, determined band there.

Spike suspected that Buffy hadn’t really thought through her offer of speaking to Peterson. It was a logical choice that she wanted to see through. Her emotions told another tale. A glance in the visor mirror showed the trembling of her body, her hands clasped in her lap, while her eyes were wide with terror as they pulled through the gate of the California State Prison.

He heard her whimper then Cordelia’s murmured reassurances. Turning around, he grasped her hand, unwilling to sit by any longer. She clutched at him as she burrowed into Cordy’s lap. As much as he hated this whole scenario, he knew she had to see it through now. No matter what else she did in her life, she would always feel she let herself down if she didn’t face the bastard.

Kate pulled into a parking spot not far from the entrance. Spike hopped from the car and opened the back door of Kate’s sedan. He reached over and pulled Buffy to a sitting position, crouching at her feet.

“Look at me, pet,” Spike commanded, cupping her face in his hands. “When I said no earlier, it was wrong of me. I was being selfish because I’m so scared of losing you. But I know you have the strength to see this through. I have total faith in you.”

“You do?” Buffy said, wrapping her hands around his wrists. Her eyes searched his to see if he was telling the truth.

“Yes,” he responded, kissing the corner of her mouth. “You are the strongest person I know and you are going to show him that he never broke you. You survived his hell and there is nothing he can do to hurt you now.”

“Thank you, thank you,” Buffy whispered. “I love you so much.”

“I love you, too,” Spike said, kissing her mouth, hard and fast. He helped her from the car, then Cordelia. He was determined to see Buffy through this, in spite of the fact that every step she took, seemed to be another step away from him. “Let’s do this.”

The four of them headed for the entrance. Since this wasn’t an official investigation, it had been decided that Buffy and Cordelia would go in to speak with Peterson. Nothing he said could be used against him. Mostly they were hoping for something that would jar Buffy’s memory or that he would say something that would lead them to damaging evidence to build a case against him.

At the last minute, Buffy turned to Spike. “I want to go in alone. He won’t say anything if Cordelia is there.”

Spike wanted to refuse, but he knew she was right. He hugged her to him, keeping her close for a few moments before releasing her. He stepped back and let Kate and Cordelia prepare her. He was too emotionally involved and he didn’t want her to absorb his fears. While they talked to her, Spike stood with his hands in his pockets, staring out over the parking lot.

“Now, remember,” Kate said. “Don’t force anything. Don’t start interrogating him. Let the conversation develop naturally then tell him what you remember. See where it takes you. Okay?”

“All right,” Buffy said, and Spike could almost see her nodding her head.

“And, don’t forget,” Cordelia said. “He can’t touch you. He’s on the other side of the glass and you are completely safe.”

Buffy whispered, “Okay,” then he heard her make her way to the window to sign in. His stomach clenched as he forced himself to let her go.

~~~~~~~

The cold, sterile atmosphere of the prison scared Buffy almost as much as the prospect of facing Peterson did. It smelled antiseptic, reminding her of the hospital, in the first few days of her being found. Memories in the form of sensations flashed through her body, the cold, the isolation, the smell, and the persistent fear of him finding her. She swallowed it all back, forcing herself back into the present as she took a seat where the guard indicated.

A door clanged open and she knew he was near. The laughter shared with the guard bringing him to her, and Buffy felt her bowels clutching in fear. She could see his silhouette coming around the corner, and she heard a small sound. It was her as she saw him for the first time in four years. The same lanky build, the brown hair with the matching brown eyes, the smile that twisted his lips, and the nose that was a little too long. The insane wonder of what their child would have looked like crossed her mind. She could only stare at him as he sat across from her.

Numbness took her over as she froze in her seat. He picked up the phone on his side and nodded for her to pick hers up. She couldn’t move until he laughed…at her. With trembling hand, she brought it to her ear.

“Well, hello, Buffy,” Peterson said, with a grin. “Missed me, didn’t you?”

Buffy shook her head.

“Kitty got your tongue?”

“No,” Buffy said, forcing it from her mouth. Her free hand played with the hem of her jeans. Anything to keep her centered and in her seat. “I haven’t missed you.”

“Why have you come to see me then?”

“Because I needed to…find out some things.”

Each word was carefully chosen to keep him at bay. The monster was closer than her nightmares. Only a piece of Plexiglas separated them from each other. Would it hold if he decided to grab for her? She straightened up, trying not to look as afraid as the terror that was making her heart beat too fast.

“Oh, come on, baby,” Peterson cajoled, leaning on his forearms. He was too close. His face twisted in a leer as he looked her over. “A girl never forgets her first lover and everything he taught her. You haven’t really forgotten what we shared, have you?”

“Not everything,” Buffy admitted. “I’ve started remembering.”

“So, you remembered our…little time together,” Peterson said.

His tone was seductive, luring her into his web again. Into the illusions he held of the relationship they had. It made Buffy’s stomach turn with repulsion and she found herself taking a mental step backwards, away from him and his sickness.

“I’m remembering what you did to me,” Buffy said. Her voice was a little stronger as she forced herself to meet his gaze.

“What we did together, sweet thing,” Peterson said, with a laugh. “Well, after you begged me to teach you everything. You were quite the student. Always begging for more.”

“I never begged you for anything except to let me go,” Buffy whispered hoarsely. The first time flashed through her mind, bringing tears that threatened to choke her. “I hated you touching me.”

Peterson shrugged. “I remember differently. We had quite the times together.”

“Why did you let me get dirty?” Buffy asked, out of the blue. It was something that had never made sense to her. “The first few days you let me clean up then you stopped bringing clean water. I was filthy when they took me to the hospital.”

“You were used up,” Peterson said, checking out his fingernails. “My little whore with nothing left to learn.”

“You weren’t coming back for me, were you?”

“Game got out of hand,” Peterson said, glancing around. He returned to his story. She could almost see the walls shutting down behind his eyes. “I thought you had the keys to free yourself.”

“They were out of my reach,” Buffy said, slamming her hand down on the counter. “You were going to let me starve to death or let the rats eat me.”

“Oh, baby, you’re the one who sent me away,” Peterson said, stroking the glass as if it were her face. “Said you never wanted to see me again, do you remember? You couldn’t forgive me for…”

“Faith?” Buffy finished. “I remember her. I remember a lot of things now.”

“Do you? Do you remember the lies that were told to put me away? You wanted me and the things I could do to you. You wanted to see what it was like to play with someone else. Not me,” Peterson snarled. “I wasn’t good enough for you. You lying little bitch.”

“You grabbed me off the street,” Buffy pushed back. What she couldn’t remember she made up. “You chained me up like some damn dog and forced me to…” She stopped. The sobs were strangling her as memories flooded her. “I never wanted you or what you did. I lied to you because I wanted to live. I would have told you anything so that I had a chance to get out of there.”

“And I’ll always be with you,” he said, with a smile. “Every time you fuck someone else I’ll be there. Do you have a boyfriend?”

“Yes,” Buffy whispered.

“Does he appreciate what I taught you? Does he scream when your hot little mouth is on his cock just like I showed you how? Do you wiggle your ass in the air for him? Begging him to fuck you there?” Peterson started laughing, making jerking motions with his hand. “You were one good little lay.”

Something struck Buffy then. A memory of a conversation, or was it just a taunt that echoed in her mind?

“And I was your first, too,” Buffy said, calmly. The fear was gone as she realized how pathetic he was and how little power he really had. “You never fit in anywhere, did you? Girls like me looked down on you. No one would give you the time of day. Your mind couldn’t accept it and you had to kidnap me just to play out your sick fantasies.”

“Lying bitch,” Peterson screeched. “Shut up, whore, you dirty lying slut. I was your every thing. Your every thing…you worshiped me.” He stood, sending his chair flying across the room. “I made you mine and you begged me for more.”

The guard hurried over and started to pull on Peterson.

“Where is she?” Buffy begged, silently asking the guard for one more moment. “What did you do with Faith?”

Peterson leaned closer to the window. “She was your game, not mine. We fucked and then she left us.” He laughed. “She kept talking about living in a big house one day. That’s probably where she is..., Sunshine.” He turned to the guard. “Get me away from her.”

And with that, he was gone. Buffy stared down the hallway where he disappeared, stunned by the exchange. Nothing useful had come from the conversation as she could see it. She had failed. Slowly, she stood and made her way back to the reception area.

Spike was waiting for her. He had been leaning against the wall, but as soon as he saw her, he straightened up. She ran for him. Throwing her arms around him, she let loose the emotions she had been trying to contain. Spike rocked her, murmuring words of endearment as Buffy tried to make sense out of what Peterson had told her.

His words, your game…I wasn’t good enough for you…Sunshine, kept echoing in her mind. There was something there. She just didn’t understand it.

“Are you okay?” Spike asked when she finally pulled away.

“I’m fine,” Buffy said, holding tightly onto his hand. “I don’t know.” She rubbed her brow, trying to find the clue that she knew was there. “I just can’t…”

“Don’t force it,” Cordelia said, coming over to put an arm around her. “Let it come naturally.”

“She’s right,” Kate said. “Let your mind figure it out on its own.”

Buffy nodded. “Can we get out of here now?”

“Hell, yeah,” Spike said, with a smile. He started for the door but stopped when Buffy hesitated. “What’s up, pet?”

She stared down the hallway toward the containment area. She shook her head then turned back to her friends with a smile. The monster in her nightmares had been vanquished. She had faced him and made the most startling revelation of all.

He was just a man.



To be continued…

Chapter 19





She had never felt such pain before in her young life. The intensity of it seemed to be severing her body in two. She could feel the blood pouring from her, coating her buttocks and legs. The sticky slapping together of their bodies filled her with a mortification that made her wish she would die this time. By now it was even welcome if it would get her away from the monster sodomizing her. There had be been no preparation, no easement, only a savage ripping into the fragile opening of her anus. The first thrust made worse by the unexpected new form of rape that he was inflicting on her. .

For the first time in days she cried as he took her. He wanted her compliant and tears only brought on the beatings that left her barely able to move. Her new nightmare existence was getting worse the longer she was there... She wanted her mother, she wanted to go home, but knew she never would again. If she made it out of this hell alive, her life was still over. Nothing would ever be the same.

“Come on, Sunny,” he grunted in her ear. His hand wiggled beneath her to painfully twist her nipple. “Let me know how much you love me fucking you like this. I hear whores like you really get off by being fucked up the ass.”

“I hate you,” Buffy spat. “I hate this.”

He laughed then placed an almost tender kiss on her shoulder. “No, you don’t.” His hand moved down between her legs to tease at her clitoris. “You’re going to cum for me.”

Buffy didn’t think she could be anymore humiliated. But her body betrayed her by having the orgasm that the monster wanted her to have. To him they proved that she wanted this…wanted him and what he did to her. It made her, his. Her mind screamed no, even as her body shook, grinding down against the hand that was bringing her to this.

”I told you,” he crowed. He moved his hands to the mattress beside her so that he could increase the force of his thrusts. She felt crushed under his weight as he rammed his penis into her. Her face was buried against the mattress that smelled of urine and sweat, praying that it was over soon. She hoped that he would leave without wanting more. She should have known better. “My little slut…” he whispered as he finally came. She felt him pull out; releasing his seminal fluid to mix with the blood that already coated her flesh. By now she had forgotten what feeling clean felt like.

“I wish you would find someone else,” Buffy sniffled as she heard the rats scampering closer, drawn to the smell of her blood.

The covers twisted around Buffy as she thrashed in the throes of her nightmare. Darkness kept her in its spell. There was no lighted way out of her prison. She kept reaching out to find her angel, but he wasn’t there. Whimpering, she surrendered to the memories that were flooding her mind.

“Hey, slut, wake up,” the monster growled, kicking her in the lower back.

Buffy arched, trying to escape from the pain. Opening her eyes, she scooted backwards toward the wall. Her eyes widened when she realized there was someone with him. It was another girl and she wasn’t tied up. She was standing there watching the monster unchain her.

“Help me,” Buffy croaked through her parched throat. It seemed like days since she had been given food or water. There was no real time down here. No sunlight to judge the days by. The light above her dimmed and brightened but it hurt when she looked at it. So, she avoided it now. “Please help me.”

“What kind of kinky shit are you and her into?” the brunette asked, looking around Buffy’s cell.

“Told you not to say anything,” the monster growled. “All I want is for you to do what you’re told.”

“Whatever,” the girl shrugged and crossed her arms. “Let’s hurry up though. I don’t have all night.”

It was the wrong thing to say. Any back talk was prohibited by the monster. Buffy winced because she knew what was coming. The monster grabbed the brunette by the hair and flung her down onto the mattress in front of Buffy. He wrapped the chain around her neck and pulled it back until the girl was gasping for air. Buffy could only stare in fear. What if he took it out on her? It was better to remain silent and hope he wouldn’t remember she was there. Eventually the brunette was released. She held her throat as she flipped over onto her back, trying to get away.

“Sunny, hold the bitch,” he ordered.

Buffy tried to scoot away, wanting none of it, but she was backhanded for her disobedience. The force of his hand sent her toppling backwards into the wall. Her head hit with enough force to make the world slide out of focus.

“Do as your told, slut,” the monster barked. “Or I’ll beat you until you can’t stand.” He laughed and leaned close to her. “Maybe I’ll bring someone else who would like to fuck a little slut like you.”

Afraid of his threats she grabbed the girl’s arm, holding onto her, while Lance chained her in Buffy’s place. The girl was screaming now. The monster knelt on the bed so he could stroke ‘bitch’s’ face for a moment before slapping her hard. It silenced her for the moment. Blood streaked her pretty face. Buffy doubted it would be pretty for long.

“Do you like the present I brought you?” The monster asked turning from the now quiet ‘bitch’.

“Why?” Buffy said.

“You said you wanted me to find someone else…”

“No, no,” Buffy cried out. “Please someone make it stop.” She sobbed as she hugged her pillow to her. It wasn’t enough to protect her. Nothing was anymore. He was stronger than she was…again.

The pair of yellow panties were ripped from Bitch’s body despite her struggling for freedom. The chains were wrapped around her hands. The end of it was held by Buffy from behind her.

“Let me go, you fucking freaks,” Bitch screeched as the monster pried her legs apart.

For a moment Buffy closed her eyes, unwilling to see what was going on in front of her. There was no escaping the scream as he entered the other girl. The sobs that rang out around her, and still she held onto the chain that was keeping Bitch down.

“Please make him stop,” Bitch pleaded, turning to look up at Buffy.

“I can’t,” Buffy whispered, stroking the girl’s hair. She looked up to watch as the monster drove relentlessly over and over into Bitch. A part of her was thankful that it wasn’t her this time. She hated herself for it. “It’ll be over soon.”

It wasn’t though. Bitch was quickly broken by the monster. She did what she was told without arguing. Why he didn’t pick Bitch over her, Buffy would never know.

The rest of it came rushing in blurry outlined images too horrible even now for her to remember. The sex acts he forced them to perform on one another and on him. The escalating violence that ended with…

Buffy woke with a scream. It spilled from her in an endless echo that tore through her soul. She remembered it. All the things she had forgotten…the reason why she had forced it from her mind and the final straw that had sent her spiraling into the dark place.

The mattress gave way under someone’s weight forcing another shriek from her. Buffy backed up to the headboard, cowering from the hand that was reaching for her. Hands brought only pain to her.

“No, no, no, not again,” Buffy chanted, looking around the room. The she saw it, the box that held a way out for her. In it was a gun and she ran for it. He was right behind her. It wouldn’t open. She pounded on it, trying to force it. It was knocked from her hands. And she fell to her knees, sobbing, knowing it would never be over. Not now. Darkness rushed at her and she wanted to embrace it. To go back to nothing…it was better than this.

“Buffy, come back to me,” a voice called to her. Hands petted her, pulling her into warm, strong arms. “Please, talk to me, Luv.” She was rocked in those arms that seemed familiar. The voice continued to whisper to her, telling her how much she was loved and needed. She quieted, responding to the desperation that it held. “What happened?” It was then that she recognized that it was Spike holding her. The man she loved and had never hurt her because he loved her back.

He wouldn’t now though and she pulled away from him. Backing up to the wall she wrapped her arms around her legs. She stared at what could have been happiness for her.

“He was right,” Buffy whispered. “It was my fault she was there. I told him to find someone else.”

“No, it wasn’t,” Spike insisted. He didn’t come after her though. Instead he leaned against the bed. “People like Peterson don’t just stop at one. The first one is nothing more than practice and it eats away at them until they do it again. He’s a monster.”

“He’s a man,” Buffy said, no longer able to bear looking at Spike. She was too ashamed at her own actions. “Just a man and I told him to find her. It’s my fault she’s dead.”

“We don’t know for sure that she’s dead…”

“She is dead,” Buffy shrieked. “I know she’s dead because I helped kill her.”

The pain was too much and she ripped into her flesh with her fingernails trying to find an anchor in the storm around her. Spike sat staring at her with a stunned expression on his face as he absorbed her words and took in the violence that Buffy was doing to herself. It was only when she reached for the box again that he moved, knocking it across the room. She went for it and he wrestled her to the floor. Pinning her down when she fought him.

“Stop it,” Spike yelled. “I’m not going to lose you. Do you hear me? Stop fighting me.”

“They’ll lock me up,” Buffy wailed, collapsing back onto the floor. “Please, let me go. I can’t be locked up again.”

“Oh, baby,” Spike soothed her. He slid off of her, only to gather her against him. His arms held her tight. “No one is going to blame you. You were only trying to survive.”

“But I didn’t care if I died,” Buffy argued. “I was praying to die. Praying for it to end and then…then I helped end hers.”

“You must have things mixed up. There’s no way that I believe that you’d hurt anyone. Okay?”

It was the ‘okay’ that clued her in. She sat up, her hand still on his chest to balance her. He stared up at her with a devastated look on his face. It tore her apart inside. There was nothing she wanted more than to give him what he wanted. To be able to always be with him, but she had burned her bridges.

“I have to tell what I know,” Buffy calmly said. Everything was clear to her now. The past and what she had to do. “I have to tell Captain Roberts everything I remembered.”

“It was a nightmare,” Spike said, sitting up. He held her by the shoulders. “You don’t know for sure it’s the truth or just something that your mind made up to fill in the blanks.”

Buffy shook her head. “I know it’s true because I remember the link to tie everything together.”

“What link?”

“It’s the color yellow,” Buffy explained. “It’s his favorite. That’s why he picked me and Faith. My uniform was yellow and her panties were yellow.”

“So?” Spike shrugged. “It was a coincidence. Nothing more.”

“No, it wasn’t,” Buffy said, shaking her head. She ran her fingers along his face then across his lips. “I remember her telling me that night. He had gone out to get some food and left us alone for a little while. Faith said that he was specifically looking for someone who was wearing yellow. He even made her lift her skirt so that he knew she wasn’t lying about it.”

Defeat hung between them. They were silent for a few moments as they accepted her memories. It was all going to have to be sorted through, but she wanted Spike to know first. If he would stand by her then she could get through it. Without his strength she didn’t know if she could. Yesterday she would have said that she could handle it on her own. Not now. She was too frightened of the truth. Of the dark part of her that she hadn’t even realized existed.

“We should call the Captain and Kate,” Spike said. He wouldn’t even look at her and her heart sank. “And get you a lawyer, too.”

“All right,” Buffy whispered. It was over. He would hand her over to someone else to take care of it. “I’m sorry. Do you want me to pack my things?”

“No,” Spike said. “Of course I don’t want you to leave. Oh, Luv, never.” He held his arms out and waited for her to nestle into them. “I believe that whatever happened that night was something you couldn’t help. And I don’t think they are going to press charges.” He laughed. “I guess I went into cop mode there for a minute.”

“But I…,” Buffy stared. Her voice quavered with emotions. He pressed his fingers to her mouth.

“Deep breath,” Spike said. “Okay, first things first. Tell me what you remember.”


~~~~~~~~

By the time he had calmed her enough to speak to him; Spike had already long regretted falling asleep on the couch. After leaving the prison, Buffy had been subdued to the point of silence. She didn’t seem to be upset just contemplative. Spike had tried to give her the room she needed, but be there if she needed him. When she had fallen asleep, he had lain staring at the ceiling but sleep eluded him. Finally he had give up and headed off to watch some television. It had done the trick and he had only awoken when Buffy screamed.

Buffy pulled away from him. Scooting back until she was leaning against the bed. Her eyes were big from fright as she stared at him. Her memories had to have been freed by seeing Lance Peterson. He prayed she would find a way to handle them without losing all the ground she had gained in the past week. He waited until she was ready.

Her voice was barely audible as she told him of that day. She left no detail out. It made him sick to his stomach, filling him with a vicious rage that left him in no doubt that he could murder. The woman in front of him was replaced by the girl he had found that day. He covered his mouth with his hand as he listened. But he never took his eyes from Buffy’s face. She would have no chance to doubt his love for her.

“I…was holding the chain,” Buffy said. “It had been hours by then. I was exhausted and hurting. He was…raping her again. She only lay there. It was different with her. He wanted her to feel the pain. It was enjoyable to him when she cried. But she had stopped. It was almost like she was a lifeless puppet.” She closed her eyes and leaned her head against the mattress. “He…he started to choke her. She gave him what he wanted and started to struggle again when she couldn’t breathe. Then it was over. She was dead.”

“How do you know she just didn’t pass out?” Spike asked.

“She was dead. Her eyes just stared upwards. No blinking…no movements…nothing. He finished…with her then wrapped her in a blanket and carried her away.”

Spike scooted closer to her, cupping her face in his hands. “Why do you say it’s your fault?”

“I never let go of the chain even when she struggled,” Buffy said. Tears rolled down her cheeks again. “A part of me knew she was dying and I did nothing to try and stop it from happening.”



to be continued…

Chapter 20





The bathtub was overflowing with white, fluffy bubbles that sent the sweet scent of flowers drifting into the air around them. There were towels already placed on the floor to catch the waves of water that were caused by them moving around. The tub was really too small for two, but it was what Buffy had wanted. The hot water soothed them as they relaxed. She was lying back against his chest, swishing the bubbles around gently with her hand. Her silence had returned in the last hour. Her only words were to invite him to join her.

He was waiting patiently for her to form the questions that she would need answering. His first responses to her nightmare had been all emotional ones, caused by his sympathetic pain for her and then his fear of losing her. Since then reason had returned to him, aided by phone conversations with Cordelia and with Lindsey, a friend and a lawyer, who had agreed to help them. None of them thought that a case could be built against Buffy, but they were going to go in as if there were. It would be foolish not to be prepared.

In two hours they were going to meet for breakfast to discuss everything before they met with the Captain and Kate. Lindsey wanted to hear it from Buffy herself and mentally start preparing a defense just in case.

“Do you trust Lindsey?” Buffy asked. She was still facing the other way, only now she was still. Her body tense as she waited for an answer.

“Yes,” Spike said, stroking her arm with the merest touch of his fingertips. “He went to high school with Angel. They’ve been on again and off again friends and rivals. But he’s one of the best damn defense attorneys in this state. So, to help you, yes, I trust him.”

She nodded as if that settled the matter. It awed him how much faith she put in him. Just his word and she accepted it without question. Her entire future could be settled in a couple of hours and she trusted him to handle it for her. He leaned forward to kiss the nape of her neck. She sighed and laid her head back against his shoulder.

“I love you,” Buffy whispered.

“I love you, too, pet.”

He wrapped his arms around her as he waited again. There would be more questions when she was ready. He wasn’t concerned. Whatever she was worried about could be resolved with the love between them. They had both faced hell already. So, this was just a small mountain to scale.

“Do you think any less of me?”

“Never,” Spike emphatically answered. “I still think you are the bravest, most beautiful woman I have ever known.”

“Just not so innocent anymore,” Buffy whispered, as her eyes closed and a shudder ran through her body.

“Well, not so much after spending the last few nights with me,” he teased, cupping her breast to squeeze it gently.

She smiled, turning to face him. He kissed her, loving the way she opened up to him. They were becoming so close to one another. He was beginning to wonder if they were one creature that was finally given the chance to reunite. It was fanciful thinking so he pushed it away. The future wasn’t decided yet. It couldn’t be until this matter with Faith was finally put to rest. The day after tomorrow he had to return to work. Life had to resume. He just didn’t know what it would do to them.

“Do you like anal sex?” Buffy asked, breaking through his reverie.

This was the question she had been trying to ask all along. He was relieved it was out in the open because he could put her mind at rest.

“I’ve only done it with Drusilla,” Spike answered honestly. It was the only thing that could be accepted between them. “And yes, I enjoyed it. It’s a different feeling than vaginal intercourse, tighter and there’s a certain thrill in doing something that is in a lot of ways considered taboo.” She stiffened in his arms but he only held her tighter. “But sex is only good if both partners are enjoying the act between them. I would never ask you or anyone else to do something that they didn’t want. I wouldn’t enjoy it unless they were.”

She sighed, long and sweet, before turning to him. He helped her switch positions so that she was straddling him. A lot of the water ended up on the floor, but he didn’t care. Not when she was looking at him like that. Not when her wet, slick body was pressed to his. Nothing mattered as he cupped her bottom, pulling her closer. She rubbed her nose against his, her cheek against his, before finally relieving his anguished need. There was no gentleness in this kiss, only the raw hunger they needed to erase the past for both of them.

They stared deep into each other’s eyes when she sank down onto him, taking him deep within her body with one fluid movement. This was the first time since she had faced her monster that they had made love. Spike knew that in the ferociousness of her movements, Buffy was taking back her own body, her own pleasure and her life in this one act. Before she had approached their lovemaking with an almost timidity, fear still lurking beneath the surface, that somehow she was wrong for enjoying it. Not this time. This time she was taking all the pleasure she could gain. Her mouth was as busy as her hips, biting, licking and kissing him. Spike could only hold onto her, taking as she gave, and he loved her all the more for it.

When he felt his body tense, he pulled her upwards. “I’m going to come, baby,” he whispered, hating the feeling of not coming inside of her. But she still held him, his face buried against her breast, as his orgasm rode through him. He also knew she hadn’t come yet. He wouldn’t let this moment go without letting her have it all.

Somehow he stood, taking her with him. She leaned against him as he dried her off then he swung her up into his arms, carrying her into the bedroom. He laid her down on the bed. Planting kisses along her still flushed body, he moved downwards until he was between her legs. She sighed at the touch of his tongue against the sweetness of her pussy. Her hand tangled in his hair when he sucked on her clit. He teased and licked at her, enjoying the soft, mewling sounds she made as he pleasured her. Her body tensed as she arched upwards and he held her hips as she came, lapping up all that she offered.

“Come here,” Buffy called, holding her hands out to him.

He took them. “I love you,” he murmured as he pulled her into his arms. “For always and always and always.”

“Good,” Buffy whispered, as she held him. “Because I need you.”

~~~~~~~~

Buffy felt like she was a VIP or something. Cordelia was to her left while Spike was on the right holding her hand, and Lindsey was in front of her as they rode the elevator to the fourth floor. She bit her lip to keep from smiling. It was the wrong time to smile. In a lot of ways she didn’t want to smile. It had to be nerves. They were sending electrical charges through her body. In just a little while they could be putting handcuffs on her, in spite of what those surrounding her said.

Suddenly tears were filling her eyes and she bent her head as she tried to blink them back. Spike’s arm was immediately around her while Cordelia grabbed her hand. It was only due to them that she had gotten through this morning thus far. To tell her story to a total stranger, a male stranger, an attractive stranger had taken everything she had. If Spike hadn’t trusted him, she could never have done it. But once it was over, she felt the same way. Lindsey had been nothing but professional with her. Asking questions, prodding for details when she faltered, taking notes without ever judging her or even changing expressions had made her relax.

Now, it was time to tell it to Captain Roberts and Kate. It would be a formal confession with a statement for her to sign. The information would be given to the District Attorney’s office for them to decide on prosecution or not. Buffy had been told not to worry. That there was little chance that it would happen. And if by slim chance it did, Lindsey said no jury in their right mind would convict her. He had actually smiled and patted her hand which she had barely tolerated. After he was finished, she had removed her hand and any chance for it to happen again. Since then he hadn’t touched her and she clung to Spike. He was her fortress in all of this.

Almost the entire department looked up as they made their way toward the Captain’s office. They had been there enough that most of them knew who Buffy was, but not enough to say anything to her. She looked over at them quickly, then turned away, too shy to say hello or even acknowledge them. There was something she did wonder about though and she looked up at Spike.

“Who is your partner?” Buffy asked.

“My partner?” Spike responded. His brows met in a perplexed expression as he gazed down at her.

“Yeah, don’t you have one? You’ve never introduced us.”

Spike smiled, shaking his head before lifting it to look out over the room. “He’s over there, Lorne Green.” The detective was on the phone and waved at them. Buffy waved back. “Do you feel better now?” Spike asked.

“I’m sorry. I was curious.”

“It makes me feel good that you would care,” Spike said, kissing her cheek. “Come on.” He tugged on her hand pulling her the last few feet to the Captain’s office. Kate was sitting on the bench outside of it, writing notes in a file. She looked up at them and smiled.

“Hi there,” Kate said, standing. “You brought the whole entourage.”

“Now, now,” Lindsey admonished. “No making my client feel uncomfortable for bringing her lawyer along.”

“You’re representing her,” Kate said, pointing to Buffy. “What’s going on that you would need a lawyer?”

“Sorry,” Captain Roberts interrupted them as he stepped out of his office. “Kate, I was going to brief you on the call I had from Spike earlier, but didn’t get the chance. Miss Summers has some new information on the case and Spike felt that having Lindsey here was in her best interest.”

“Oh, okay,” Kate said, but her tone indicated that she thought it was ridiculous. Buffy just hoped that Kate would still be on her side when this was over. “All right, let’s take this to the interrogation room. Spike, Cordelia, you can wait here until we’re done.”

Buffy grabbed Spike’s arm. She hadn’t realized that he wouldn’t be with her during the whole ordeal. “No, please stay with me,” she begged, not caring how the others saw her. Panic was setting in. She needed him.

“Breath, Buffy,” Spike said, in his calming voice. “Look at me and breath.”

She did. Her eyes stared deep into his blue eyes letting the love and faith there fill her just as surely as the oxygen she was breathing in. “Why?” Was all she could manage to ask.

“Lindsey is going to take care of you for me,” Spike said. “I can’t go in there because I’m no longer officially on the case and it’s a conflict of interest. Okay? I’ll be right here waiting for you.”

“Come on, Buffy,” Lindsey said. “It’s going to be okay, just like we talked about earlier.”

With a last fearful look at Spike, Buffy turned and started to follow Kate into the room. At the threshold to the room she ran back to Spike, pulling her own jacket off.

“May I have yours?” Buffy asked, staring at the floor and holding hers out to him. She was afraid that he would laugh at her but he didn’t. He helped her slip into his leather jacket then hugged and kissed her one more time. Feeling as if his arms were around her, Buffy stepped into the room. She and Lindsey sat at one end of the table while the Captain and Kate sat at the other.

A tape recorder was placed between them and switched on. Kate read the official information regarding the case then turned to Captain Roberts to proceed.

“Miss Summers,” Captain Roberts directed. “Please state your name for the record.”

“Buffy Anne Summers.”

“Is this statement you are about to give a voluntary move on your part.”

“Yes,” Buffy said, after Lindsey nodded to her.

“Please proceed.”

Terrified, Buffy closed her eyes and pulled the jacket tight around her. Haltingly, she told the story for the third time.

~~~~~~~

The door closed cutting Buffy from Spike’s view. His last glimpse was of her sitting next to Lindsey. He only prayed that Lindsey would protect her since he couldn’t be there. This was something he had never understood before. A suspect cut off from family and friends, alone except for a stranger to defend them. He shivered as he thought of how frightened she must be.

“She’ll be all right,” Cordelia said, resting a hand on his shoulder. “Buffy is a lot stronger than she appears.”

For a moment his eyes closed as he took a deep breath. That was something else that he was worried about. He turned to Cordelia.

“I’m not helping that, am I?” Spike asked.

“Help what?” Cordelia asked. She appeared perplexed by his question. When he didn’t answer right away, she tugged on his arm. “Come on, let’s go sit down and talk.”

Now that he had brought it up, there would be now way that Cordelia would allow it to rest. She would want to dissect his every thought. Resigning himself to the soul baring that was coming, he sat next to her on the bench. He didn’t say anything right away. This was something that had been preying on his mind since they had declared their love for each other. Although they hadn’t spoken of it, he knew Buffy wanted to stay with him. He just wasn’t sure if it was the best thing for her.

“I’m afraid that Buffy is counting on me too much,” Spike said. “You know to always be backing her up and protecting her.”

“Is that a bad thing?” Cordelia softly asked. She rubbed his back then put her arm around his shoulders.

“She’s never been on her own,” Spike said. “When she first got here, she was so determined to be independent and now it’s all about us.”

“She loves you.”

“I love her too,” Spike reverently whispered. “I believe in her and I know she is strong, but I’m afraid she’s forgetting it. And years from now, I don’t want her telling me that she never got the chance to be on her own, so she’s leaving.”

“So, you want to send her away so you might not get hurt in the future?”

Spike chuckled. He couldn’t help it. It did sound like that, and in many ways it was true. No matter how hard he tried, everyone else had left him, why not Buffy, too? And plus he honestly wanted what was best for her. He just wasn’t sure what it was.

“If a client came to you,” Spike asked, turning to look Cordelia in the eye. “And told a story similar to Buffy’s including a guy like me. Would you advise her to stay with him or go on her own?”

Cordelia looked away. “Spike, I…this is so hard, you know,” she gave him a sad smile as she turned back. “I want the two of you to be happy. And you are together. It’s cute when you give those couple looks to each other. But you’re right. I would advise the woman to spend some time on her own. To make sure of what she wanted and that she wasn’t just looking for a secure place to be and someone to take care of her.”

All he could do was nod as he buried his face in his hands. His heart burned at the thought of Buffy not being with him, but he loved her enough to let her go.

~~~~~~~~

There wasn’t a flicker on either of their faces to indicate how they felt about her confession. Buffy was exhausted as she leaned back in her chair. It was over. She had told everything that her dreams had revealed to her. Captain Roberts reached over to turn off the tape recorder then handed the tape to Kate to have it transcribed. It wasn’t until the door closed behind Kate that the Captain turned to her.

“I have a couple of questions if you don’t mind,” Captain Roberts said, leaning forward on the table. The smile he directed her way was gentle.

Buffy’s mouth was dry so she only nodded.

“You said that Faith’s underwear was torn off before the rape occurred. Do you know if they had sex before they got to the building?”

“I don’t know,” Buffy answered. “I don’t remember any mention of it. But I know he had to have taken them with him because I never saw them again.”

Captain Roberts nodded and made a few notes on a pad of paper. “Did Peterson ever give any indication of where he might have taken the…Faith?”

Buffy shook her head even as she searched for some indication. “The only thing was when I saw him in prison. I asked him and he said that she loved big houses. That she was probably there now.”

“Okay,” Captain Roberts said. “We just have to wait until your statement is ready to sign and then we’ll have to start trying to figure out where he might have hidden her.”

“Are you going to…arrest me?” Buffy asked softly. Her voice trembled under the fear that was coursing through her.

Captain Roberts stood and came toward her. She leaned back in her chair, terrified that he was going to handcuff her, but he surprised her by sitting in the chair next to her.

“Buffy, your statement will be turned over to the DA for that decision, but as a law enforcement officer of over twenty years, I can’t see any reason to arrest you, much less anyone trying to prosecute. There is no body, no evidence, only repressed memories at this point.”

“What about after…when we find her?”

“I still don’t think that there is a chance in hell they would bring charges,” Roberts said. “From the condition you were in when you were found, I can’t see you really being able to do any damage to a physically fit female of the same age. I think Peterson had you hold the chains as a way of bringing you further into his fantasy. I wouldn’t worry about being prosecuted. Okay?”

Lindsey leaned forward. “There is still a chance that the DA might have a difference of opinion though?”

“Of course,” Roberts said. “There is always that chance, but I doubt it and would fight them on it. Plus they would be crazy to take her to trial. Show them what was done to her and anyone in their right mind would have to acquit her.”

“But yet there is still a chance?” Lindsey persisted.

Roberts sighed. “Yes, there is always a chance.”

Buffy felt her hopes slowly vanishing under the volley of words between the two men. All she wanted was to be with Spike and she suddenly wondered if she would ever get that chance.


to be continued….

Chapter 21



By the time they pulled into the parking lot of Spike’s apartment complex, Buffy was half asleep. She was leaning on his shoulder with his jacket draped over her. The events of the night before and the stress of the morning had worn her down. Smiling, he leaned over to kiss the top of her head. She sighed at his affection and snuggled closer to him. Her eyes slowly drifted open, but she didn’t move away.

“Carry me,” she asked impishly. Her hand settled on his thigh, squeezing it to get his attention.

“Ouch, Luv,” Spike teased back. He pushed her hand away as he pulled the car into a spot in front of his building. He turned to her as soon as the Desoto stopped. “You might have pinched the wrong thing.”

Buffy cupped the bulge between his legs. “There is no way I could mistake this.”

Slipping his arm around her shoulder, Spike pulled her closer. He cherished these moments between them. The past faded away, leaving them like any other couple as they played. There was no pain in the emerald depths of her eyes, only a mischievous glint that sparkled at him. This was the woman he loved.

Buffy complemented him in ways he never imagined any woman could. He had lost whatever resentment he once harbored at her quiet presence in his apartment. If he settled in to play video games, she used the time to play on the computer. Or she’d join him in a rousing competition that sometimes left him beat. She never fussed at him about his messy ways. There was no nagging; only a perfectly timed arched brow that filled him with guilt as she cleaned up after him. It often spurred him to help her especially with the rewards that she lovingly doled out.

The sex was better with her than with anyone he’d ever been with. Because when he was with her, it was making love. There wasn’t a part of his body, heart or soul that he didn’t leave open to her explorations. He could never seem to get enough of her either.

He nuzzled her face with his lips. “There is almost an hour before the others arrive. I could think of lots of ways of spending it.”

“Like napping,” Buffy yawned in his face. She patted her mouth. “You wore me out this morning.”

“I could do it again this afternoon…”

Someone rapped on his car window. Spike turned quickly, shielding Buffy, and cursing his inattention to their surroundings. A great role model he made. He muttered an even cruder comment when he recognized the woman standing outside his car.

“Mom?” Buffy yelped, peering over his shoulder.

Joyce stepped back from the car as Spike opened the door. There was fury on her face as she stared at the couple. Buffy stayed close beside him as his arm wrapped around her in a protective embrace. He refused to let this woman’s bitterness make him feel guilty for loving her daughter.

“Hello, Buffy,” Joyce said, refusing to look at Spike. “Your father had business in town and I came along to see you.”

“How long have you been waiting?”

“Long enough,” Joyce replied, with the merest flicker at the man that her daughter was clinging to. “I would like to see you alone.”

“We have guests coming in the next hour,” Spike answered for Buffy. He could feel the trembling in her body and her fingernails sinking into his waist. “If you would like to speak with Buffy then I suggest you do it here and in front of me.”

“How dare you make decisions for either myself or my daughter?” Joyce spat, turning to him. “I thought you were someone admirable, but instead you take advantage of an innocent girl just so you can have someone in your bed.”

“Believe me, ma’am, I don’t have any trouble getting women into my bed. Buffy is there because I love her.”

“She’s a child…”

~~~~~~~

Their heated words were only a buzzing in her ears. It was a nightmare that hadn’t changed since the day she was kidnapped. One in which she was no longer in control of her body or actions and everyone else was making decisions for her. Often she felt like she was fading away into the background and no one could see her anymore.

“Stop it,” Buffy yelled, stepping between them. “I’m standing right here. I hate this…all this fighting, and talking around me like I don’t exist.” She rubbed her temples as her eyes fluttered closed in frustration. “I’m not a child, I’m not crazy, and I’m not incapable. Just shut up both of you and let me speak for myself.”

She knew she had hurt Spike, but it was something she needed to make a stand on. It had to be now, before she even attempted to make permanent decisions regarding the rest of her life. Otherwise, they would never listen to her. Her plans would be run roughshod over and she would never be seen as an adult.

Neither of them said a word and she opened her eyes cautiously to find them both staring at her. She smiled. Hopefully, it would lessen the impact of her first outburst.

“Mom, I love Spike and he loves me. I’m with him because of that. Not because he tricked me into doing anything. And he’s right. We do have people coming over soon. If you’d like to come in and talk to me that’s fine, but I’m not changing my plans to suit you.”

Buffy exhaled slowly as she waited for reactions to her announcement. They were both staring at her in what she could only describe as surprise. She straightened her stance, lifting her chin in determination not to give in to either of them. Finally Spike grinned and shook his head. It let Buffy relax a little to know he wasn’t angry with her. She turned and waited for her mother’s response.

“Mom, are you coming in or leaving?” Buffy abruptly asked, not caring if she seemed rude. It was past time for niceties in dealing with her mother.

“All right, Buffy,” Joyce said with a curt nod. “Let’s go in.”

It wasn’t much, but Buffy still felt a thrill of victory race through her. Taking Spike’s hand, she led the way inside. Her mother followed them, stepping into the apartment with the attitude vibrating from her that she was stepping into a den of iniquity.

“Would you like a drink or something?” Buffy asked, fidgeting. The adrenaline was fading fast leaving her unsure of having her past and present colliding in front of her. What she really wanted was that nap. A little oblivion to give her nerves time to settle, but it wasn’t to be.

“Yes, that would be fine,” Joyce replied, walking around their living room while Buffy hurried into the kitchen.

“Please, take a seat,” Spike said, gesturing toward the couch. “It’s not a big place but it’s mine.”

“It’s very clean,” Joyce said, sitting on the edge of the couch. “But I have a feeling that is Buffy’s influence. She’s been very particular since she came home.”

“Yes, it is,” Spike said.

Silence fell between the two. It seemed to be louder than the earlier argument between them. Buffy hurried as she poured glasses of iced tea for them. She glanced over her shoulder. Her mother was staring at her clenched hands and Spike was watching her. He gave her an encouraging smile. A quick breath of relief then she picked the glasses up.

“Here you go,” Buffy said, handing a beverage to her mother. She leaned over to give one to Spike before sitting next to her mother. “Is Daddy stopping by?”

“He’ll be picking me up,” Joyce replied. She took a polite sip then put the remainder on one of the coasters that were spread across the table next to her. “How is your investigation going?”

Her smile was all it took. It spoke volumes of how her mother felt. Joyce didn’t believe there had been another girl. And in the conversations they’d shared in the last week Buffy hadn’t filled her in on anything they’d learned. She was barely dealing with the storms around her without dealing with more of her mother’s reactions, too.

“It’s coming along fine, Mom,” Buffy politely said. She looked to Spike for strength to tell her mother everything that had happened since they’d seen each other last. Sitting beside her, Buffy could feel her confidence waning. To Joyce she was still stuck in the past. Always fourteen, frozen in a period where she was everything her parents dreamed her to be.

“Buffy has been doing spectacularly,” Spike said, leaning forward. He rested his forearms on his thighs with his hands hanging between his knees. “She’s remembered quite a bit of what’s happened to her. And because of her courage to face it, we’ve discovered the other girl’s name and now we are searching for her.”

Buffy searched her mother’s face for a sign that she was proud of what she had accomplished. It wasn’t there. Disappointment filled her at the distaste that was plainly evident there. It was then she realized that she would probably never attain her former status as Joyce’s princess. And with surprise and relief she accepted that it didn’t really matter to her. With this new found knowledge, she reached over to cover her mother’s hand with one of her own.

“I’ve done something really good, Mom,” Buffy said. “Spike has given me the support I’ve needed to fight through this. Faith will be found. No longer will she be forgotten somewhere. And I’ll make that bastard pay one way or another for what he did to her.”

“What about you, Buffy?” Joyce asked, sitting up perfectly straight. “When do you put this behind you and get on with your life?”

“Once it’s done, Mom. I’ll have more of a life because of this than I would ever have had hiding in that house another day.”

“Are you blaming me? I was only trying to protect you.”

“I know,” Buffy said. “But you can’t always protect me. I want to live…I want to be in love. I want to have all the things that everybody else has.”

“I don’t understand why you have to do it so far from home,” Joyce declared, with a shake of her head “Or are you going to live with Detective Nagle now?”

“We haven’t discussed anything beyond this week,” Buffy answered, cringing at her own words. Even Spike looked like he was ready to run from the aftermath of that blunder.

“So, you’re just screwing around with him because…well, why, Buffy? You say the two of you are in love but there doesn’t seem to be anything substantial to this relationship besides the sex.”

Joyce looked from one to the other in contempt. Buffy wanted to tell her to leave and that it was none of her business. Another part of her wanted to run to Spike to fix it but then there was something inside of her that wanted to stand her ground. Everyone that was in her life was giving her advice and telling her what to do. She’d had enough. It was time for her to deal with things on her own.

“There’s more than you’ll ever see, Mom,” Buffy said, standing. She made her way to Spike who opened his arms so that she could settle on his lap. “He’s my friend, my strength, and my heart.” She stroked his cheek. “He talks to me and after Faith is found then we’ll decide what our future will be.”

~~~~~~~~

Guilt flooded him as admiration for the girl in his arms grew. She seemed to be so much more together then he had given her credit for earlier. It gave him second thoughts on the decision he’d made about their relationship. He still felt that she needed time on her own but now he knew she wouldn’t just sit back and do as she was told.

Spike kissed the back of her hand.

“You have an amazing daughter, Mrs. Summers,” Spike said, turning to look at the woman who was staring at them. “She came here, so terrified that she was shaking like a leaf. We’ve gone through some rough times this week. Harder than some people will ever endure in their lives but she keeps coming out fighting. And that’s why I love her.”

Joyce sighed even as tears filled her eyes. “It nearly destroyed me when we couldn’t find you. I lost you that day…and I haven’t found my little girl yet.”

“She’s gone,” Buffy softly said. “She won’t ever come back.”

“Well, I guess I’ll be going then,” Joyce said, standing. “In the light of your declarations it seems you don’t need me around.”

~~~~~~~

A part of Buffy wanted to let her mother leave. It would be easier to turn her back on her past. To give herself a fresh start on the future she wanted. Wasn’t what she had planned anyway? For her to go where no one knew what had happened to her. Where she could be just like everyone else. But she never would be. Her nightmares would always be with her, no matter where she went.

Once very long ago, Joyce and she’d had a good relationship. They shopped together, watched movies together on the weekends, and baked cookies. Her mother had been her biggest supporter, giving her rides when she needed to get to activities, being involved and helping out whatever cause Buffy was into at the time.

Maybe there was a chance that with time, they could find a relationship again. It would take time and a lot of work. There were a lot of things they needed to talk about. Things that Buffy needed answers for, like her baby, the choices in her therapy, and the suffocating protection after she was released from the hospital.

Buffy stood to face her mother.

“I’d like for you to stay for awhile. We have friends coming over to help figure out some things about Faith. I’d like for you to meet them.”

It seemed to take forever, but eventually her mother nodded. She sighed in relief and looked down at Spike. He was wearing the look of pride for her that she had been looking for from her mother earlier.

In that moment she knew she had truly taken the steps toward the life she wanted and leaving her past behind her.


to be continued…

Chapter 22


The conversation filling the apartment had yet to breech the subject they were there to discuss. However, it could be felt lurking in the corners waiting for the moment to invade the camaraderie among the gathered guests.

Typically, the sexes had divided themselves between the rooms of kitchen and dining room. Spike was holding court in the kitchen with Xander and Angel. Their favorite topics of video games and cars were being bantered about in a display of macho competitiveness as to what was the best and brightest.

The five women present were seated around the table. Buffy sat at one end facing the kitchen. Like sentries on either side of her were Willow and Cordelia. And on the opposite end of the table was Kate sitting sideways so she could confidently drift between conversations.

And lastly Buffy’s mother was seated beside Willow. She was subdued as her eyes darted from one group to the other. There was an almost stunned expression gracing her countenance. It was unbelievable to her that her once housebound daughter had friends. Not only friends but was building a life that included gatherings such as this.

It was a little overwhelming but also exhilarating to Buffy to have a house full of people. There was a haze fluttering around her mind as she tried to cope with this. Maybe if her mother wasn’t there, waiting to pounce at the first sign of weakness from her, she would feel differently.

Thankfully everyone else seemed to be comfortable together which helped to make things easier. Xander and Willow had been welcomed into Spike’s group without qualms. Already new relationships were being bonded over their dinner.

Deciding not to bother to cook, Spike had picked up pizzas, wings and salad from an Italian restaurant down the street. It seemed to be one of the deciding factors in the lapse of priorities in conversation. The spicy fragrance of peppers and onions had seduced them all to eat first. And now, everyone was busy filling up on the food in between sentences that flowed freely between them.

The buzzing of words and laughter between Buffy’s friends helped to ease some of her anxiety. They created a wall between her and her panic at being in this unfamiliar atmosphere. Buffy breathed deeply to try and focus again. Her hands tore apart a paper napkin in her lap as she took in what was going on around her.

A part of her couldn’t relax. Faith was constantly with her. It was like climbing a mountain and you were almost to the top but every time you looked up it seemed to be same distance away. She wanted it over with. Until this matter had been finished, she couldn’t figure out what she was doing next. She knew what she wanted and even thought it was the best choice for her, but Spike wasn’t open to discussion about her future. She glanced over at him as she gave a huge sigh.

“Tired of us gabbing away?” Kate asked with a grin. She glanced at her watch. “It’s almost seven thirty; maybe we should get down to business.”

“No, I’m sorry,” Buffy said, looking contrite. “It’s just me. I don’t want anyone to feel…”

“It’s okay,” Cordelia chimed in. “Really, we do need to figure this out. We’ll have plenty of time for hanging out later.”

Later. It was one of those things that Buffy wondered if she would have with this group. With Spike. She glanced back at him to find him studying her with indiscernible emotions filling his blue eyes. It shook her to her core to see how closed off he was from her at the moment. Already Spike was putting distance between them and she was determined that she wouldn’t let him go too far away from her.

“All right, everybody,” Kate said, pulling everyone’s attention to her. “We need some brainstorming on where Peterson might have put Faith’s…body,” she paused as she reached over to cover Buffy’s hand with her own. Quickly she reiterated the clues that might help them to find her.

“Wouldn’t he have just gotten rid of her as quickly as possible?” Xander asked. “Like a dumpster or even the dump itself.”

“Maybe if he was panicked or something,” Kate said. “I just don’t know if he would do that though.”

“From what Will has told me,” Angel offered, moving into the living room to take a seat on the arm of the couch. “It seems to me that he had the whole scenario with Faith planned out, just like he did with Buffy. Scouted out a girl, figured out how to get her to come with him, then knew he would kill her when it was over. Using Buffy’s words against her, he would draw her further into his delusions of them being in a relationship.”

“You mean like making them Bonnie and Clyde?” Willow asked, looking around toward Angel.

“No, no, that’s not right,” Buffy protested. “He said he wasn’t going to come back for me. He was going to leave me there to die.”

A shudder ran through her and she crossed her arms in front of her. Every word was bringing her nightmare to a jarring reality because it was no longer locked away in her head. It was out in the open. Other people knew. They were talking about it. It wasn’t something she could push to the back of her mind in a desire for denial.

Spike came to her, reaching for her, so he could switch places with her. He took a seat before drawing her down onto his lap. His arms closed around her as his chin rested on her shoulder. No one except her mother seemed to think anything was amiss in his actions. Buffy could hear the subtle sniff of indignation that her mother gave. She ignored it. She was in Spike’s arms and she was safe.

“Buffy, was that the last night you saw him?” Kate asked, leaning on her forearms as she met Buffy’s gaze. Her voice was filled with kindness as if she knew how much this was costing the young woman.

“Once,” Buffy answered. “He came to visit me one more time.”

Her hand covered her face as images swirled in front of her. All these people knew. They all knew what she had done with Peterson. They all knew what she did with Spike. It didn’t matter how much they cared or how much they were trying to help. She felt dirty and wrong under their scrutiny.

“Is this necessary?” Joyce snapped. “Look at her…she can’t handle this. She needs to just put this whole thing behind her and get on with her life.”

“Behind locked doors at home,” Spike sarcastically replied. “Oh, yeah, she had a life there, didn’t she?”

“She was safe there.”

“Stop it,” Buffy said, coming out from her hiding spot. “I can handle this, Mom.” She raised her chin in the air and took the time to look everyone in the eye. She had faced worse in the past few days. She would get through this.

“Mrs. Summers,” Kate said, with a nod toward Buffy. “We understand your concern. Unfortunately, Buffy is the only way we have of proving Peterson murdered this other girl. She is the only one who can put the pieces together.”

“I just don’t understand why this is Buffy’s concern,” Joyce protested. “She isn’t responsible for what that man did.”

“Just like I wasn’t the concern for all those volunteers that helped search for me,” Buffy said, quietly. “It’s something that you know is right and you just have to do it. No matter how much it hurts.”

Spike kissed her cheek, squeezing her extra tight, and she could feel his love flowing over her. The expression on the faces of the people surrounding her showed they understood what she said. They had all made the same choice at some point in their lives. She felt that she belonged here with them. It gave her the boost that she needed to continue.

“He only came back one other time after that,” Buffy said with the barest of a waver in her voice. “That night is when I unconsciously started slipping in and out of that place in my head.” She put her hands into Spike’s, curling her fingers beneath his as if he could keep her from falling too deep. “He asked me if I wanted for him to bring someone new. I said no, shaking my head, and hoping he would leave. He slapped me when I drifted away, but it didn’t help. I guess he got frustrated and just left. I don’t remember him leaving.”

“I don’t understand why he didn’t come back,” Angel said, after everyone absorbed her words for a moment. “He enjoyed the responses he got for his cruelty. So, why would he just leave you down there to die? He wouldn’t be able to enjoy the act.”

“I’m with you, Angel,” Spike agreed. “He kept trophies, the uniform, the underwear, and he even asked Buffy to help him do it again. I would think he’d come back for her and take her with him.”

Kate drummed her fingers on the table for a second or two as she seemed to be trying to connect something. The others waited for her to say whatever was on her mind. She snapped her fingers and looked up at Buffy.

“Do you have any recollection of time passing while you were there?”

“Uh-uh,” Buffy answered. “It was all the same down there…just endless darkness.”

“What are you thinking?” Angel asked, leaning forward with his hands on his knees.

“Well, what if he was going to come back?” Kate said, glancing around at everyone. “What if…?”

“But when I saw him, he told me he wasn’t,” Buffy interrupted.

“You talked to him?” Joyce interjected, harshness coating every word. “What the hell were you thinking, Spike? Are you trying to send her back to the hospital?”

Buffy leaned back against Spike wishing she could hide inside of him. Let his bravery lead her through her mother’s anger. Facing the past she could do. It was the rejection of her parents that frightened her. If she didn’t have them to fall back on then she was alone.

“It’s okay, lamb,” Spike whispered, so that no one else could hear. “Don’t lose it now. You can do it.”

Her eyes fluttered closed as she let his words bring her back to what had brought her here. The reason she had left Sunnydale. The reason she had come to him.

“I chose to see him,” Buffy sternly said. “It was my decision and I survived…more than survived. I realized he is nothing more than a man.”

“Buffy has been holding up wonderfully,” Cordelia said, flashing a smile that showed how proud of Buffy she was. “She’s coped with quite a bit this week and just keeps getting stronger.”

“Thank you,” Buffy said, returning the other woman’s smile. Buffy ignored her mother’s dramatic sigh and slump back into her chair to show her continued disapproval in Buffy’s actions. It only made her stronger. Buffy reached over to squeeze Cordelia’s hand.

“It’s okay,” Cordelia remarked. “You’re spunky and it’s growing on me.”

Everyone but Joyce laughed. It was okay though, because everyone here cared about her. She just had to remember that as she flushed under Cordy’s praise. It felt good.

“Why would he tell Buffy he wasn’t coming back for her if he was?” Willow asked. “I mean what would he have to gain from it now.”

“To play games with her,” Cordelia answered. “Her survival and freedom has got to be frustrating him. Especially if he considered her his partner and that he got punished because of her. He would think she sold him out and he’d do anything to try and get back at her.”

“If he was going to come back then where did he disappear to until we caught up with him?” Spike asked.

“He went away to hide Faith,” Kate answered. “If she was his first kill and he wanted to be able to admire his handiwork then wouldn’t he take her somewhere where he could visit her?”

“But where?” Angel asked.

“His parent’s house,” Xander answered. “I mean he would be with her all the time. That is if he hadn’t gotten busted.”

“Too obvious,” Spike said. “Besides it was thoroughly searched after his arrest. There wasn’t anything that indicated a grave or a body hidden there.”

“You asked him where she was, didn’t you?” Kate asked, searching Buffy’s face. “What did he tell you?”

“That she likes big houses and she was probably living in one now,” Buffy said. There was excitement humming in the air as the clues began to fit together like a jigsaw puzzle. She had no doubt that this group would figure it out.

“Maybe a massive crypt,” Willow said. “If he was rich he could have bought one or something.”

“Good idea,” Angel answered. “But I think it would be too public. Eventually someone would have spotted him there and start asking questions.”

“The Peterson’s owned a vacation home,” Joyce spoke up, surprising everyone with her comment. “It was near Santa Barbara.”

“Bloody hell, I’d forgotten all about that,” Spike swore. “There was a copy of the warrant in the case file.”

“It was searched,” Kate said. “But they didn’t find anything according to the file.”

“Was it before or after Buffy was found?” Willow asked. “Because they weren’t looking for anyone else, were they? They were just looking for evidence to prosecute on Buffy’s case, right?”

“That’s right,” Spike mused. “If they weren’t looking for her then they might have overlooked something crucial.”

“Wouldn’t it be kind of hard to overlook a body?” Xander asked. “I mean she wouldn’t exactly fit in a bread box.”

“And wouldn’t a vacation house be too public to hide a body?” Kate asked, looking around. “Wouldn’t there be people around all the time?”

“It was an exclusive community,” Joyce answered, leaning forward. “The houses were big, expensive and far apart.”

“How do you know this?” Buffy asked.

“During the lawsuit,” Joyce answered, her eyes filling with tears. “They had to list everything they owned for the settlement. It was on there.”

“Sounds like that might be it,” Kate said. “It’s only a couple of hours drive from here. He could have easily done it.”

“I’ll call Roberts and see what we need for a search warrant,” Spike said. “We may have just cracked this case.”

“Yay, for Mrs. Summers,” Xander said, applauding. “I vote she’s an official part of the team.”

The others clapped, adding their own whoops and congratulations. Joyce smiled at Buffy, mouthing an “I love you” at her daughter. It felt like the start of a new beginning with her mother being a part of the life Buffy was building here. She went to give her mother a hug as Spike headed for the phone to call his Captain. The atmosphere was tingling with excitement that they might have found the answers that Buffy needed.

Willow suggested congratulatory ice cream sundaes and everyone headed for the kitchen to make their own. And for the first time in years Buffy felt almost normal again.

to be continued…

Chapter 23



Although Spike understood the reasoning behind his Captain’s refusal, it was still frustrating. Roberts said he needed more to go on in order to get a search warrant. There wasn’t anything to indicate that Peterson had murdered Faith, much less hidden her body at his parent’s vacation home. Besides it had already been searched after his arrest.

He took a deep breath as he tried to figure out how he was going to break it to the celebratory crowd in his living room. They were all in such high spirits and his news was only going to bring them down. He ran his hands over his face as he tried to force himself to move.

“He wouldn’t get it for us, would he?” Buffy asked, leaning on the doorframe. She looked down at the floor before looking back up at him. “It’s over isn’t it? Tomorrow is the last day.”

“No, Buffy,” Spike said, stepping over to her. He cupped her face. “It’s not over. We’ll work on it during my off hours if necessary. The others will help, too.”

“But you don’t want me here any longer,” Buffy said bluntly.

Apparently he hadn’t been hiding his emotions as well as he thought he was. He should have known better than to try. Buffy was a very intuitive girl who was able to read him easily. How could he tell her that he didn’t want her to stay? Not because he didn’t want her but because he felt it was the best thing for her. And there was the fact that her love for him scared him to death. He was certain it wouldn’t stand the test of time after she began to build a life of her own. She was young and vibrant and he was an older man that had been broken by life and by his profession. He also felt that he would only remind her of the childhood nightmare every time she looked at him.

“Buffy.”

“Shh,” Buffy whispered, laying her fingers on his lips. “I love you. One of these days you’ll accept it.”

“Determined little thing, aren’t you?”

“Made it this far, haven’t I?”

Spike couldn’t argue with her on that point. So, he ignored it.

“Let’s go tell the others,” Spike said, taking her hand to pull her toward the living room. He stepped toward the kitchen where everyone seemed to be gathered. “Hey, everybody,” pausing until they were all looking at him. “I hate to tell you this, but Roberts won’t go to a judge without more evidence. It’s not that he doesn’t think we may be right. We just don’t have enough proof for a judge.”

“I was afraid of that,” Kate said, sighing.

“What kind of information do we need?” Xander asked. “We just can’t give up now.”

“Maybe we need to look at it a different way,” Angel said, standing and shoving his hands in his front pockets. “Let’s answer the question of why the house? What would make him leave her there instead of a million other places that he could?”

“It would be something about the house,” Kate said, “Like it was his favorite place or his hated place.”

The reaction was a lot better than Spike thought it would be. It amused him to watch these people brainstorming together. Maybe they should open a detective agency together. This group was like a dog with a bone, bound and determined not to let go until they had sucked out the marrow filled with the secrets they were hunting for. Someone suggested looking up any public records on the house and Willow hurried to the computer to begin a search.

Buffy leaned against him and he slipped his arm around her to draw her closer. Every moment with her was something he wanted to cherish. It was one of the reasons that he kept delaying the talk. Once he told her, their relationship could turn ugly and he wanted as many happy times as he could get.

“Here,” Cordelia said, handing Spike a bowl filled with ice cream. “You may as well have some too, while we’re figuring this out.”

He took the sweet confection and sat on a barstool with Buffy beside him. She refused however, when he tried to give her a bite. Instead she only gave him a look that almost broke his heart. Would he have the guts to send her away when it was time? He just didn’t know at this point.

“Uh, guys,” Willow said, turning to look at everyone. “I think I may have found something.”

“What?” Kate asked, hurrying over to look at the computer screen over the redhead’s shoulder.

“Well, at the time that Faith disappeared his parents had applied for a permit to put in a new dock,” Willow explained. “And it also has a description of the house. It’s yellow.”

It was all they would need and after requesting Willow print the records out, Spike hurried back to the phone. This time Roberts agreed to go to a judge first thing in the morning to try and get the search warrant.

~~~~~~~

Since the Peterson’s vacation house was outside of the Los Angeles County district, Roberts had to go to a state judge to obtain the warrant. It took a lot of finagling to pull it off, but by early afternoon it was granted. Of course, they would have to work in conjunction with the local law enforcement of Taylor, California. Spike just hoped they would be cooperative with the search.

Kate was driving with Spike in the front seat with her. In the back of the car was Buffy and Cordelia. They had to receive special permission for Buffy to accompany them. Captain Roberts had agreed on the fact that something about the house might jar something in her mind. The three women had been chattering all the way up about everything but what they were hoping to accomplish.

Cordelia and Kate both wanted to take Buffy shopping for new clothes, and they were talking about what would look good on her. Buffy was only half into this particular discussion. She was still wearing jeans and t-shirts with her army jacket over them. The image of Buffy in a cute skirt and blouse kept running through his mind. Spike loved her no matter what she wore, but he couldn’t help the fantasy of her in more feminine clothes. Of course this led him to fantasizing about taking them off to reveal lacy panties and bras.

He glanced over his shoulder to find her already staring at him. She gave him that little smile she wore when she was satisfied. It gave him chills where he didn’t have any business having chills at the moment. He turned to stare straight ahead and tried to think of anything but Buffy.

“Here we are,” Kate announced as she pulled into the parking lot of the small police department. “Let’s keep our fingers crossed that they aren’t going to consider us interfering city slickers.”

But of course they did. They were directed to a Sergeant Nicholson who glanced over the warrant with contempt. It seemed he was a good buddy with Lance Peterson’s father.

“Don’t you think these poor people have been through enough?” Nicholson asked. “What in the world do you hope to find that wasn’t found before?”

“A body,” Kate baldly stated. “They weren’t looking for evidence of a second girl or a murder so something may have been overlooked.”

“And you really think that the Peterson’s have been spending months up there at a time and never realized that there was a body on their property.”

“Not if it was buried,” Spike said, stepping forward. “Like maybe where the new dock was put in.”

Nicholson shook his head, never taking his eyes off Buffy as if she was the cause of the problems instead of a victim. Cordelia stood beside her in a protective stance, but Buffy didn’t seem to be too upset. People had doubted her for years so this was nothing new for her to deal with. She was just biding her time for the truth to come out.

“Well, seeing as you’ve got a warrant,” Nicholson said, standing up from behind his desk and grabbing his hat. “I don’t have much of a choice but to accompany you up there. We’ll take along a couple of my deputies to help with the search.”

“Thank you,” Kate said, politely.

The stance of her body told Spike that she was spitting mad at the condescending manner they were being treated in. He wasn’t too happy with it either. They were all supposed to be on the same side, but Nicholson didn’t see it that way. But then again the vacation homes had to bring in quite a bit of revenue for the small town. If the Petersons were there a lot then he could see why Nicholson wouldn’t want to alienate them. It could mean a loss of money for the community.

Two deputies were summoned and rode along in the car with Nicholson while Spike and the others followed behind them. The gated community of Juniper Estates was about a mile outside of Taylor. It was nestled beside a mountain with the houses spread out around the lake the community was named after. They were waved through the gate after Nicholson spoke with the guard.

The houses were spread apart as Joyce had said. The streets wound around them shaded by sprawling pine trees. It was a beautiful location that seemed too peaceful to hold anything as ugly as a murder victim. Spike knew that looks could deceive especially when the beauty could hold secrets behind every turn.

They turned onto a small street that wound around the lake. Here the houses were even more impressive with their towering angles and balconies that seemed to reach out over the vibrant blue of the lake. It was a place that could only be owned by an elite few of society. Someplace that Faith could probably never have reached if she had lived. Peterson’s words of her now being in a large house echoed In Spike’s mind. This scenario fit his statement perfectly and he wondered if promises of a life like this was what had lured the girl to her death.

The car ahead of them slowed then pulled into the driveway of a two-story home. They followed it around to the back of the house where three decks at different levels overlooked the water. The back yard dotted with trees sloped down to where the dock and small boathouse were. It was a spectacular house that promised a gentile hideaway for people tired of the social scene.

“I can’t even imagine living in a place like this,” Cordelia said, echoing Spike’s thoughts. “Guess I’m too much of a city girl.”

“It’s beautiful,” Buffy said, sounding a little awestruck as she climbed from the car. She hurried around to join Spike, slipping her hand in his. “I just don’t understand how he could have all this but yet turn so ugly.”

“We probably never will,” Spike responded. “Some people just can’t be fixed no matter what they have or don’t have.”

As a cop he knew that first hand. The evil in people was never limited by their status in life, their income or even how they were raised. It just seemed that some people were corrupt no matter how much anyone tried to reach them. He shook his head at the complexities of human beings.

“I hope you don’t mind,” Nicholson said, walking over to the group. “I called their cleaning woman to unlock the door. No, reason to be knocking their door down over this.”

“That’s fine,” Kate said. “Is it going to be long?”

“Nope, she should be here any moment,” Nicholson said. “Lives in town, said it wouldn’t be a problem to come right out.”

“Thank you,” Spike said, nodding his head at the fellow officer.

“I understand you’re not here in an official capacity,” Nicholson questioned.

“No, sir.”

“Well, then I guess you and the ladies will be waiting out here while we do this,” Nicholson said, with a grin on his face. “Except, of course, for Officer Lockley, that is.”

“That’s fine,” Spike answered, straightening a little more. It was apparent that Sergeant Nicholson only wanted to do a perfunctory search of the house and he wanted to make sure that Nicholson was kept on his toes. “As long as the job is done thoroughly than I have no argument with it.” Spike returned Nicholson’s smile with as much friendliness that had been afforded him.

Thankfully, another car pulled in behind the other two. It was a small blue Honda Civic from which an older woman emerged. She bustled over to the group with her hands waving.

“I’m sorry it took so long,” the woman offered. “I had to wait for the school bus to drop off my grand-kids. It was a good thing that my husband was there to watch them. I’m Linda by the way.” She put her hand out in a general direction of the group.

“Hi, I’m Buffy,” putting her hand out to shake Linda’s before gesturing to her friends. “This is Kate, Cordelia and Spike. We appreciate you coming out to do this and I hope it wasn’t too inconvenient for you to come out.”

“Nah, not too much,” Linda said, as she started walking toward the house. “So, what did Lance do now? That kid was always trouble. Never did trust him very much. Never let him be behind me. Coldest eyes, I’ve ever seen.”

“Now, now, Linda,” Nicholson said, with a laugh. “It’s not nice to gossip about someone you haven’t seen in years.”

“Oh, I’m sorry,” Linda said, turning to Buffy and rolling her eyes. “Didn’t mean to be sticking my nose in where it doesn’t belong.”

“So, was Lance Peterson out here a lot?” Kate asked, positioning herself next to the housekeeper as they climbed the steps to the back door.

Linda glanced at Nicholson for a moment. “Well, it is the family’s house. They were always coming out here for weekends and holidays.”

“Linda,” Kate said, laying a hand on the woman’s arm. “If you know anything about Lance being out here about the time the new dock was put in, then it would be helpful to us to know about it.”

“Lord, that was a long time ago,” Linda said unlocking the door and pushing it open. “Let me think about it and I’ll let you know.” She handed the key to Nicholson. “Here you go. I called Mrs. Peterson and she said it would be fine for you to lock up. I’ll pick the key up tomorrow morning if that’s all right.”

“No, that’s fine, Linda,” Nicholson replied. “You better be getting back to your grandchildren.”

“And if you remember anything that might be helpful,” Kate said, handing her one of her cards. “Please call me.”

“Of course ma’am,” Linda said, before scurrying back toward her car.

Spike was beginning to wonder how much influence the Peterson’s had in this small community. They definitely had Sergeant Nicholson on their side, who apparently wasn’t above intimidating others to have them see things in the best interest of the Petersons. He wasn’t feeling any real vibes to a conspiracy to protect the family, but just a friendship that might be a bit too blind. Deciding to just play it out, Spike stepped back to wait with Buffy and Cordelia while the others searched for evidence.

Kate gave them a wink before following the others into the house. Nicholson started giving orders to his men as soon as they entered. Spike was confident that Kate would ensure that a through search was done, even if she had to do it herself. She had always done exemplary work in her investigations with very few complaints. It was one of the reasons Roberts was letting her run with this one. Spike was there to help supervise the younger cop if she got in too deep.

It seemed to take forever for them to finish. Cordelia curled up in one of the Adirondack chairs, seemingly lost in the view. Spike smoked one cigarette after another, carefully grinding them out on his shoe and making a pile to take with him. He kept his eye on Buffy who paced the length of the lower deck over and over again. She was carefully putting one foot in front of the other, keeping her arms wrapped around herself, and seemingly talking to herself. He had a feeling that she was trying to keep herself from having a panic attack. Slow, repetitive movements in a meditative manner were often a way of slowing down the nervous system.

He could hear Nicholson gathering his men together. Nothing had been found from the gleeful tone of his voice. The back door opened just as Spike realized that Buffy wasn’t muttering to herself. She was singing. She moved to stand on the top step as the others returned to the deck. They stopped in amazement at the young woman staring out over the backyard with what seemed like a blank stare and singing loudly.

“It’s been three long years. Do ya still want me? If I don’t see a ribbon ‘round the old oak tree,” Buffy sang, starting across the back yard. “I’ll stay on the bus, forget about us. Put the blame on me. If I don’t see a yellow ribbon ‘round the old oak tree. Whoa, tie a yellow ribbon round the old oak tree.”

Spike quickly looked up to where Buffy was headed. On the path to the dock was an oak tree. He grinned as Buffy circled around it, dragging her hand along the roughened bark. She stopped and turned toward them, waiting for them to join her.

“The girl is crazy,” Nicholson said, as they made their way toward Buffy. “She spent years in a nut house. Now, she’s got us out here chasing her imagination.”

“I don’t think so,” Spike said, stopping in front of her. “What did you remember?”

“The day he came back,” Buffy said excitedly. “He was singing that song as he made his way across the cellar. I didn’t think it meant anything until I saw the tree then it clicked. Faith is buried under this tree somewhere.”

“I suppose you want us to dig up their entire backyard on your hunch,” Nicholson scoffed.

“Get the shovels,” Kate said. “Warrant says house and property. So, we’re digging.”

“I’d be glad to help,” Spike said. “But I’m here unofficially.”

Nicholson didn’t like that remark but he arranged for shovels to be brought out to them. He didn’t have a choice. He also didn’t have a choice but to do the dig with the utmost care possible. One thrust into the dirt could alter any evidence found. The sergeant conferred with Spike and Kate on which spot would have been the easiest for Peterson to do on his own. One of the deputies that had been brought remembered when the dock was being built. He pointed to a spot between the path and the tree where they had kept the building supplies. Ruling out that area and the yard between the house and the tree because Buffy said he’d give Faith a view, they began to dig on the lake side and the side toward the property line.

It took almost two hours of cautious digging before they found what they were looking for.

“I found something wrapped in garbage bags,” one of the deputies called out.

It was then that the crime lab people were called to complete the dig. Buffy refused to leave until they had finished. Hours they waited on the back steps for the team to arrive and to unearth the deputy’s find. She snuggled into Spike’s side with tears streaming down her face as they brought Faith out of the ground. There wouldn’t be an official pronouncement that it was Faith until the coroner had made positive ID. But Buffy knew. They all did.

“You did it, pet,” Spike told her as he hugged her close. “She’s been found.”

“I thought it would be a relief,” Buffy said, wiping at her tears. “You know a feeling of accomplishment and all I can feel is grief. She’s still so alone.”

“No, she’s not,” Cordelia said, sitting on the other side of Buffy. “She’s got all of us.”

It was true. Faith had become a part of them. Everyone from Cordelia to Willow had come to care about the missing girl in the last week just like they had with Buffy.

They were family now.



to be continued…

Chapter 24




It was the perfect California day. The sun was high in the bright blue of the sky. A few fluffy clouds floated by on the breeze that made the heat a little more bearable. Even wearing his dress uniform, Spike wasn’t too uncomfortable. He cleared his throat, looking at the small group gathered together on the hill at a small cemetery in west LA.

It was two weeks to the day after they had found Faith that they were laying her to rest.

Following a more through investigation, it was found to be as they suspected. Faith had been a throwaway kid. Her mother was an alcoholic living in Boston that hadn’t seemed too concerned about what happened to her daughter. In an act that had touched Spike more than he was willing to admit, Buffy’s parents had arranged the funeral.

Joyce was finally finding the joy that her daughter was alive and home, instead of living in fear of losing her again. It was still a tentative peace between the two women but Buffy was now talking to her mother every day on the phone. Sometimes the conversations were filled with typical mother / daughter subjects, or short, routine information exchanges. And some days it was an emotional ordeal. They kept trying though and it was all that either of them could ask for.

Everyone in the family was there to say good-bye to the young woman that hadn’t had much of a life. In death she had gained more love than she was ever given while alive. Cordelia and Angel arranged for the large blanket of roses that covered the pinewood casket. Willow and Xander were the ones keeping everyone else together. They made the phone calls to make sure everything was taken care of, from the limousine to the private dinner for them after the service. Kate and Captain Roberts along with the entire detective squad donated the money to pay for the tombstone.

Now, they all stood by Faith’s final resting place and listened to the minister speak of their grief. Buffy’s hand slipped into his. She had finally broken from her usual attire and stood beside him in a simple black suit. He was more proud of her than he had been of anyone in his life. She had beaten the odds and proved everyone wrong. The news media was telling her story from coast to coast. Dozens of invitations had requested for her to do everything from television interviews to magazine interviews. So far, she had avoided them all. It was too private of a journey for her to share with the world.

The constant pressure was one of the catalysts for decisions regarding her life. It was one that hadn’t come without tears, but in the end they knew it was for the best.

Tomorrow she was leaving for Seattle with her mother to make the final preparations for her to begin college during the summer session.

“Amen,” the minister said, concluding the ceremony.

Flowers were laid upon the casket as one by one they turned to head for their cars. Spike waited with Buffy until everyone else had gone. He watched as she laid a rose down.

“I know that wherever you are,” Buffy whispered through her tears. “It’s a happier place for you. I’m sorry for what it’s worth. And I’m going to make sure he never gets out of prison. I promise.”

She took his hand as she turned away. Together they began the walk back to where the limousine was parked.

“You okay, Luv?”

“Yeah, I’m doing okay,” Buffy smiled wanly up at him. “I wish we didn’t have this dinner to go to. It’s selfish I know but I’d rather spend my last night in LA alone with you.”

“Me, too,” Spike responded, leaning down to kiss her cheek.

~~~~~~~~

The dinner after the service was also a surprise going away party for Buffy. Everyone wanted the chance to say good-bye to her and give her presents for her new life. A new Italian restaurant with no memories had been chosen. Buffy didn’t want to compete with anything in Spike’s past for this occasion. A small room had been closed off just for them so they could have the privacy they needed.

“I’d like to offer a toast to Buffy,” Angel said, standing. “I’ve only known you for a few weeks but already you’re like a little sister to me. And you’ve got the family genes with the bullheadedness, the need to make things right and of course the incredible good looks.” Everyone laughed and he waited for it to die down. “Seriously Buffy, I hope you know that we are always here for you. Anything you need call us.”

“Here, here,” everyone chanted, clinking glasses together.

Of course there were presents for her. Mostly clothes, things for her dorm room, and some practical things. Like the gift of a cell phone from Spike.

“I put myself on speed dial,” he told her as he was showing her how to work it. “Of course I’m in there under Spike, William and Nagle.”

“Thanks, I might forget who you were otherwise,” Buffy teased. “So, am I on your speed dial, too?”

“Yep, under Buffy, pet, Luv, and pain in the ass,” he teased back, loving the way her eyes caressed him. She giggled, leaning over for a kiss. It gave all the promise of what their last night would be like. He couldn’t wait to get her alone.

“Okay, you two,” Cordelia interrupted. “Enough time for that later.” A grunt interrupted her and she turned to find Hank Summers looking decidedly unhappy. “Oops, sorry about that remark, I’m sure they will spend the whole night just talking.”

There was another round of laughter, but it was almost hollow. The Summers still weren’t happy with Spike’s role in their little girl’s life, but they were living with it. Mostly looking forward to when she left him. They were only too happy about the separation between them. It was a brittle subject that Buffy and Spike still hadn’t fully resolved. The argument preceding the decision was one of the most wrenching of his life. Now, they were pretending they were okay with it.

~~~~~~~

Telling everyone good-bye was heart breaking. There were promises of phone calls, visits and plans already made for holidays. Buffy knew that life took different turns which ultimately led to people drifting apart, especially when there was so much distance between them. She’d been holding back her emotions, trying to show everyone that she was okay with leaving. That she still wanted what she had set out to do when she left Sunnydale. A part of her did, but yet the thought of leaving Spike broke her heart.

Buffy stepped through the open door of the apartment as Spike followed her in. The knowledge that this was her last night with him ripped through her with the force of a tornado. She broke down into sobs that wracked her body. Arms instantly engulfed her. They didn’t comfort this time. Instead they infuriated her. She pushed him away from her.

“Don’t,” Buffy shouted. “You don’t have the right to touch me anymore.”

She realized with those few words she broke his heart. Spike turned to head for the bedroom with her on his heels. He tried to shut the door on her but she was too close and he would never hurt her. Always the strong one, the protector, and the provider it was overwhelming to see him break. Running out of room, he slid down the wall, sitting with his face buried in his knees. He was crying like the world had ended.

“I’m sorry,” Buffy said, sitting next to him. “I shouldn’t have said that.”

“I love you,” Spike said, without looking up. “Do you really think that I want you to leave? The thought is tearing me apart.”

“So, why am I?” Buffy asked, leaning against him. She buried her face against his back. Her arms cradled him and he shifted so that they fit together a little better. “I’ll stay if you want me to.”

“Don’t, please,” Spike pleaded, looking up at her. “We’ve gone over this. We decided that it was best for you to go.”

“I’m so scared of losing you, of being on my own. What if I can’t do it?”

“That’s why you have to go,” Spike answered, smiling gently at her. “So, that you know that you can. It will eat at you because you never took that chance. You’re only eighteen. Do you really want to be tied down? You’ve been cooped up for years. This is your chance to find out what life is, who you are, and what you can accomplish.”

She hated herself for it, but a part of her did want it. The thought excited her. She wanted to test her wings, to see what the world offered. It was the thought of losing Spike that terrified her. He was a part of her now. How would she get through the day without him there? How could she sleep at night without him holding her?

Her silence must have given him the answer that she couldn’t form into words. He cupped her cheek, kissing the side of her mouth softly.

“I want you to go, Luv. For me.” He dropped his hand from her face and leaned his head against the wall. “As much as I love you, there are some things that I need to figure out, too.” He sighed then met her gaze. “I’m going to start seeing a therapist myself. Get my life straightened out. Quit smoking, and living on take out food. Figure out who the hell I really am.”

There was so much of his past, Spike hadn’t reconciled with. It left him unsure of his own self worth. If nothing else, Buffy could understand that. The word Cordelia had used for their relationship was co-dependency. In their need for love they had turned to each other, blinding themselves to the differences that would make a lasting relationship difficult. She ran her fingers through his hair.

“I’m coming back to you,” Buffy vowed. “Someday when you least expect it, I’m going to show up on your door.”

“And I’ll take you in,” Spike responded, running his fingers along her jaw. “I’ll always be here for you.”

They were promises they could keep. Buffy wasn’t letting him go without a fight. She would do what she needed to do. Figure out a little of life and being on her own. Let him find himself in the ruins that previous people had left him in then she would come back. For now though, they still had all night.

“Make love to me,” Buffy whispered.

For a moment she was afraid that he would use her words against her, but he didn’t. He led her to the bed, laying her down, before covering her with his body.


~~~~~~~~

Buffy was beautiful, not only on the outside but on the inside. One day she would be a remarkable woman and he prayed that he would be there to see it. Letting her go was the hardest thing he would ever do even though he knew it was the right thing. He wanted to be the best man possible for her. She needed someone who was whole, someone who wasn’t afraid to love her, and share her life.

It would only be a matter of time before he would be ready to win her back. He would give her the space to discover herself before he did though. Hopefully, by then he would be ready to buy a house to give them both a little security. Maybe ready to be a father if that was what she wanted. Somehow, they would find a way to make their new dreams mesh into one.

Until then he still had this night with her.

He lay on his side next to her. His hand was slowly undoing the buttons on her jacket while he explored the warm, velvet softness of her mouth. She wasn’t idle though. Her hands were busy undoing the buttons on his shirt. Fluttery caresses wafted down his chest sending chills through his system. He wanted to be inside of her, but knew that taking their time would only make it better.

Being with her like this was the best feeling he’d ever had. She was softness, yet strong in the way she met him halfway. His hand slipped inside the jacket to cover her breast still in its lacy cup. She arched up when he tugged on the pebbled tip, silently begging him for more. Pushing her jacket and bra aside, he bent his head to suck on it. He laved his tongue over the areola while his thumb stroked the underside.

“I love you,” Buffy breathed, clutching his hair and pressing him closer to her.

He kissed the valley between the soft mounds before raining kisses along the sweetness of her skin up to her throat. Nibbling along the curve of her shoulder, his hand dragged her skirt up to her hips. She pushed her bottom off the bed so that he could bunch it around her middle.

“Now,” Spike whispered raggedly. Despite knowing how good it would feel slow, he desperately needed to be joined with her. “Don’t want to wait anymore.”

“I don’t either,” Buffy said, reaching for the zipper on his pants.

In a flurry they moved the necessary clothing out of the way. He ripped her pantyhose into an unusable rag that was tossed off the side of the bed. She pushed his pants down his hips, pulling him on top of her. He stopped only briefly to sheath himself in a condom. Then there was no more hesitation as he plunged into her depths.

“Oh, god, you feel so good,” Spike told her, staring down into her eyes. “I love you so much.”

Buffy wrapped her legs around him, arching up into him, letting him know how impatient she was. Never before had they been this wild. Forgetting everything but the body they were connected to, they thrust toward each other and the fulfillment they needed. They kissed with the same abandon. Tongues battling wildly as their hands plundered each other’s body.

It didn’t take long before they found it. Spike couldn’t hold out. His body needed this one to come quickly. No matter what his heart told him. There would be time enough for the slow love making in the long night ahead. He reached between them, stroking her in that certain way that made her pant in his ear before a long moan signaled her orgasm. It was then that he let himself go into her waiting body.

He held her for a long time before they moved again. This time they undressed each other between declarations of love. Tears fell from them both as they found their fulfillment several times before Buffy fell asleep on top of him. Spike couldn’t find rest. He held her until the alarm went off in the morning and it was time for him to go to work.

~~~~~~~~

Buffy was gone by the time he came home that night. The apartment was silent in its vast emptiness. There were no candles burning, no dinner cooking, no one typing on the computer. He was alone again. He decided maybe he should get a cat to battle the loneliness.

There was a note on the counter from Buffy.

I went to the grocery store and bought you food to help keep your promise of no more take out. Hope you don’t mind, I stole your pillow and a couple of shirts. Of course, you can always come and get them. I wouldn’t mind.

All my love,

Buffy

Giving a deep sigh, he put his package down on the counter and headed for the patio. After sitting down, he lit what he hoped would be his last cigarette. He savored every moment of it. Slow inhales and exhales so he could feel every burn as it made its way in and out of his lungs. He blew smoke rings for the hell of it. And he smoked it all the way down to the filter before tossing it into the ashtray.

It was one of the steps in his new life plan for becoming a better man. He made his way back into the apartment and to the bag he left there. After reading the directions he slapped a patch onto his arm, praying that it would work.

Trying to decide what to do next, he noticed there were messages on his machine. He hit the play button.

“Hey, it’s Xander. I was thinking that maybe we could go shoot some pool or something. Give me a call.”

“Hi, Uncle Will, It’s Connor. I have a game this Saturday. Will you come see me play?”

He smiled to himself. He wasn’t really alone. There were people in his life that cared about him. He had family. More than he ever really had as a kid. It was a good feeling that left him whistling as he searched the refrigerator for something for dinner. There was a steak marinating on the top shelf. Buffy’s doing. He pulled it out and heated up the small countertop electric grill he had. One steak wasn’t worth firing up the gas grill on the patio. While waiting for the grill to get hot, he found a potato in the vegetable drawer and popped it into the microwave.

Buffy may not be the best cook but she did know what he liked. It was almost like having her there. The phone rang just as he was tossing the steak onto the grill.

“Hello,” Spike absently answered as he searched for tongs in one of the drawers.

“Hi there, you busy?” Buffy’s voice came through the wire.

“Nah, just cooking my dinner,” Spike replied, trying not to let the surprise of hearing her voice show through. They hadn’t set any ground rules on phone calls or anything. He assumed that he wouldn’t hear from her. Maybe there was a problem. “Is everything okay?’

“Yep, fine. I’m waiting for mom to get out of the shower so we can go to dinner,” Buffy said, like it wasn’t any big deal to be talking to him. “She knows I’m calling you by the way.”

“I wasn’t going to ask.” But he had wondered. He was wondering about a lot of things at the moment. “Did you go by the college today?”

“Not really. We drove by it then through it, but we’re going to wait until tomorrow to go exploring.”

“That’s good,” Spike replied, turning his steak over. He started to relax a little. “Kate’s going to get promoted to Detective for her work on the case.”

“Oh, that’s great,” Buffy exclaimed. “I’ll have to call her tomorrow to tell her congratulations.”

“Yeah, she was bouncing all over the place today,” Spike said, laughing at the memory of the blonde’s excitement upon hearing the news. “Did you hear that the first hearing on Peterson is next week?”

“No, I didn’t, but that’s good news. The District Attorney’s office still has my address as yours, but as soon as I get my new address, I’ll notify them.”

“I guess I’ll be seeing you at the trial at least,” Spike said, wondering if he could wait that long to see her.

“I hope so,” Buffy laughed. “I have plans with Willow for the Labor Day weekend.” She paused and he could hear her take a deep breath. “And I was wondering if I could stay at your place when I’m in town.”

“What do you want? A long distance relationship?” Spike asked. He hated the sarcasm that lined his question.

“I thought we were friends…”

“We are,” Spike said. It was too much. He was confused by her question. Seeing each other would only confuse the matter. “I don’t know what the hell we are anymore.”

“I understand if you don’t want me there,” Buffy whispered. “I’m sorry. I just thought…”

“Yeah, you can stay here,” Spike answered quickly before she changed her mind. “I do want you here. God, pet, I want you anyway I can get you.”

“If I’m messing up your new life I’ll stay away.”

“What? There’s no way I can know you’re in town without seeing you.”

It would drive him over the top to know she was only a few miles from him, seeing their friends, being involved in their lives but not in his. There were so many things they hadn’t discussed before she left. Things they hadn’t even considered like this one.

“Thank you,” Buffy answered, with what sounded like a sob hiding behind it. “I’ll call you when I know more. I just wanted to let you know that I got here okay. I think I broke my mother’s hand a few times.” She laughed.

“It’s okay,” Spike said, knowing it was true. “Call me when you want to. And if it’s okay, I’ll call you.”

“Sounds good to me,” Buffy replied. “Just look for pain in the ass on the speed dial.”

They both laughed before they said their good-byes. Spike clicked the phone off, laying it on the counter before turning to finish fixing his dinner. They hadn’t said ‘I love you’ but it had been there in the soft caress of her voice. Twice now Buffy had changed his life and he figured she’d do it again one day or maybe it would be as soon as tomorrow. He didn’t know. He realized it didn’t really matter. Because they were going to make up their own rules as they went along. They would find out what worked for them until they could be together again.

For the first time in his life he knew he was on the right path and it felt damn good.


~~The End~~