Chapter 1:

"I thought we were looking for vampires?" Rona asked quietly.

"You have to be ready for anything on the Hellmouth, especially when things are Apocalypsy," Buffy told the potentials.

Had she been with the Scoobies or even just Spike, Buffy might have replied with a humorous one liner. But she wasn't sure how the potentials might take her jokes.

In fact she was pretty sure that they didn't see the humor at all in the demons that were scurrying about the warehouse floor beneath them. They looked liked little Godzillas, except that they moved much more fluidly. They would scuttle about on all fours, then get up on their hind legs to use their front legs as arms.

The rest of the scene however was not so funny. The 'zillas had drawn in a large white circle with some sort of powder. The middle of the circle was filled with smaller circles drawn in what Buffy guessed was blood. Each of these circles had a human body in the center, and a series of mystical symbols around the edge.

It was the six bodies that had brought the Slayer here. Several fresh bodies had gone missing from Sunnydale's graveyards. They had assumed that someone was recruiting vampires to aid The First, but it seemed something else was going on.

Buffy looked at Spike questioningly to see if he knew who the demons were or what was going on. He only shrugged, silently telling her he didn't know any more than she did.

For a moment Buffy considered going back to Giles and Willow, and doing some research before they attacked the 'zillas. Who knew what powers they might have? But it was obvious that whatever they were up to, it was almost done. Besides, she figured she and Spike alone could handle it. She just had to hope that none of the potentials got hurt.

"Okay guys. Remember, just about everything dies when you cut off its head."

"Just about?" Molly asked nervously.

"The one who has robes," Buffy continued, ignoring Molly. "He's probably the head honcho. Try to get him first. That may cause the others to back off. Ready?" The question was just for Spike. After all, he'd be the one watching her back, while she watched the back of the potentials.

He nodded, and Buffy opened the skylight they were peering through and dropped to the floor of the warehouse.

"Hey guys," Buffy greeted the confused 'zillas. "Is this a dead man's party or can anyone join?"

With that she launched an attack at the nearest demon.

"Hope not," she heard Spike say as he landed next to her. "That would mean I'm invited and not a party crasher."

The potential's were cautiously crawling through the skylight as the demons swarmed Buffy and Spike. Buffy realized too late that there were a lot more than she had thought at first.

Still, things weren't looking too bad. Once they had made their way inside the warehouse, the potentials were actually making a very good fighting force. They were armed with axes, swords and crossbows and were quickly hacking their way through the mob.

Just as the battle was starting to go their way, the robed 'zilla began to chant in a strange chirpy voice. Suddenly the white powder that made up the outer circle burst into flames, and the flames surrounded Buffy, Spike, and the potentials.

"Crap," Buffy muttered.

Actually the magic turned out to be to their advantage. Buffy and Spike began batting the demons into the flames which quickly consumed them. It was a far faster and easier way of killing them. The only problem was they were inside the circle of fire, and the spell casting demon was on the outside.

Kennedy shot the last of the demons inside the circle with her crossbow, but the chanting continued.

"Everyone be ready," Buffy yelled.

It was the greatest advice she'd ever given, but there was no way of knowing what was about to happen. All she could hope was that whatever the spell did, its result would be something she could fight with her fists.

She and Spike moved so that they were each facing a different direction and could watch each other's backs. There was no word spoken between them, there didn't need to be. They'd spent so much time fighting with and against each other that they each knew exactly what the other one would do.

The chanting stopped and the flames vanished as quickly as they had sprung up. Suddenly all of the bodies, both human and demon began to twitch and flop about. Buffy heard a retching sound behind her and assumed that one of the potentials was reacting badly to the blood and guts.

She didn't give it a second thought. Instead she charged forward toward the demon who'd cast the spell. If this was the first step in razzing a zombie army, she wanted to get rid of the caster before he could order the zombies to attack. Zombies were bad enough on their own, but zombies with a purpose were hell to deal with.

She quickly closed the distance to the robed Godzilla. Despite the fact that it tried to run away, she easily caught it and snapped it's neck.

"Buffy?" one of the girls asked loudly over the continued sound of retching.

Buffy sighed, sometimes it was hard to imagine that any one of these girls could be the next Slayer. She had forgotten how many times she'd nearly gotten sick when she first started slaying.

When she turned around she couldn't believe what she was seeing. It wasn't one of the girls who was sick; it was Spike who was throwing up blood.

She rushed to the vampire's side.

"Spike are you okay?"

He couldn't answer her however, he was too busy retching. He had emptied his stomach of most of the blood that was in it. Now he was dry heaving.

She put a hand on his shoulder. It was the only thing she could do to comfort him. But she could try and do something to fix whatever was wrong with him.

"Kennedy?" she called. The brunette slayerette stepped forward. "Do you have your cell phone?"

"Yeah, but I don't think we can take him to a hospital."

Buffy resisted the urge to roll her eyes. "It's a camera phone right? Take a picture of these symbols and send it to Willow. I want her and Giles researching this now."

Spike had finally stopped heaving. Without thinking, Buffy placed her hand on his forehead just like her mother would have done. She was shocked to find that his skin was warm.

Chapter 2:

"My God, Spike!" Giles exclaimed as soon as they walked through the door of the Summers' residence.

"Yeah, he's alive Giles," Buffy said annoyed. "I thought we covered that on the phone call. What happened? What does it mean?"

She was terrified by what happened. She didn't know what it meant, it seemed too good to be true. Spike was alive. She should be doing backflips or something. But all she could think of was what was she going to do now? She'd just gotten Spike to start being Spike again. But could she really afford to lose his vampiric strength with the threat of The First hanging over their heads? And that just made her feel guilty. She hated being 'General Buffy', she hated that she had to look at her friends as potential weapons to be used in battle, not as people.

"You misunderstand Buffy, I knew he would be alive, but he should be unconscious. The Morcraterium has always proved fatal to vampires."

"If it was fatal I wouldn't be alive, now would I?" Spike pointed out.

Buffy was relieved to hear him talk, it was one of the few things he'd said since he'd been caught in the spell. She was tempted to accuse him of brooding just to get him to yell at her. He hated any comparison to Angel especially since he got his soul.

"Giles, start from the beginning. You know what this mocha terrace is?" Buffy asked.

"Oh, yes. The Morcraterium is a kind of divination preformed by several demon sects. Normally they dismember a body and place the pieces inside circles of runes. Then they cast a spell that temporarily revivifies the dead parts. The pieces flop about and the necromancer interprets which runes they touch to foretell the future. I suppose they had gathered several corpses to attempt a more powerful foretelling. However, it's only temporary, even complete bodies die once the spell wears off.

"Whoa, hold on." Buffy stopped him. "This seemed like pretty simple magic. I thought resurrection was much more serious mojo."

"It's not a true resurrection, it is, in more scientific terms simply reviving the cells. A spell such as Willow preformed on you is more complex because she not only had to restore your body and bring it to life but reattach your soul as well. Ah yes of course."

"So that's why I'm walking about," Spike said. "The soul."

"That would seem to be the obvious answer," Giles agreed. "The spell has actually been tried on vampires but the result was always the same. The vampire lost consciousness, the body was temporarily made alive, but when it died, it stayed dead."

"So what does it all mean, Giles?" Buffy asked desperately. "Is Spike going to die?"

"I don't know," Giles admitted. "Nothing like this has ever happened. It is possible that Spike's soul will maintain the spell and he will live out a normal life span."

"Or I could just topple over dead at any moment, isn't that right Watcher?" Spike asked angrily.

"Well, yes." Giles answered.

"How long Giles till. . . we know for sure," Buffy asked.

It had never occurred to her that things could be this bad. Spike human was an inconvenience, but Spike dead and gone. . . She couldn't deal with that.

"I'm not sure," Giles told them. "There's no set time the spell lasts, it depends on how powerful the caster and things of that sort. However, it does last longer on whole corpses-"

"Hey!" objected Spike.

"-than on dismembered parts."

"But we could do tests," Willow volunteered from the dinning room where she was pouring over books. "Check for cellular decay, and uh, mystical decay."

Spike's shoulders twitched uneasily, and Buffy could tell he didn't like the idea of being one of Willow's science experiments. She could understand how he felt. She suddenly felt suffocated in her own house. She knew none of the others were big Spike fans, but she couldn't believe how cold they were being towards him.

"You guys research," Buffy said as she grabbed Spike by the arm, "We'll um check around to see if anyone knows anything."

It was a pretty lame excuse, but she made sure they were out the door before Giles or Willow could protest.

Once they were out of sight of the house Buffy turned to Spike, "You okay?"

"Uh, yeah. Thanks for the escape."

"No problem. Are you. . . are you hungry?"

"Yeah, actually," he sounded a little surprised. "The nausea's gone. Who knew pig's blood was even worse tasting to humans."

"Gee I don't know. Those of us who have to watch you dip regular food in it."

Spike looked a little pale, which actually made him look a little more normal. "Right, let's not talk about that now okay?"

She laughed. "Sure. Follow me."

She took him to one of those chain restaurant/bar places that decorated with weird junk, like an old tricycle hung from the ceiling, since she was pretty sure they had those onion things he was always going on about.

Spike seemed to get even quieter when they got to the restaurant. He reminded her of a teenage boy who'd just gone through a growth spurt and didn't seem to know how to use his arms and legs anymore.

"Is it okay?" she finally asked, after their food had come.

"What? Yeah, the foods just fine. Great actually."

"I meant, being alive. I mean, are you happy? Or is it awful. . . I just. . . I don't want to assume."

"It's. . . Different."

She smiled a little, "That bad huh?"

He ducked his head. "I guess. It's just. . . " he stopped.

"Tell me, please. I want to know," she prompted him.

He took a deep breath, "It's kind of like everyone else is dead." She looked at him puzzled. "I can't smell you, or hear your heart beat, or your breathing. It's like you're not real. You're all ghosts or something."

"Oh, I never thought of that. Your senses, they'd be different now, huh?"

"Yeah, the food and beer taste better," he admitted.

"See," Buffy tried to cheer him up. "There are bright sides." She tried to think of another one. "Oh, and I bet we don't have to worry about what The First had planned for you anymore."

Spike's face fell, and his shoulders slumped. "Yeah, I'm pretty much useless now."

"What? No. That's not what I meant." Buffy scrambled to find away to take back what she'd said without thinking. "Oh, look at Robin. Everyone's been like, 'Yay! Another demon fighter.' You can still fight. You'll just have to adjust."

"Yeah, adjust," he didn't sound convinced, he just stared at his onion.

"Listen," she said reaching across the table to take his hands in hers. "I'm sorry about yelling at you the other day. I-"

"No you were right too. I. . . I've been bloody useless recently. You were right, I needed to, I needed to remember what made me Spike. Not that it matters now."

"You're right it doesn't matter." He looked up at her shocked and hurt. "I know I go around telling everyone you're my best warrior, and that I need you to fight the first, but that's just an excuse. I need you because you're. . . you."

"Please," he said disbelievingly.

"No really. I need you. You're the only person I don't feel alone with. I don't know if that makes any sense. . ."

She searched for words to better explain. But she couldn't find them. After all she'd been trying to figure out what her relationship with Spike was for months now, and hadn't made any progress.

But he looked up at her and smiled, and she realized he understood. That was what she loved about Spike, he understood.

"Really?" he asked.

"Really."

"Still," he added a little sadly. "I'm not much good now."

His whinny vampire (human she corrected herself) routine was starting to grate on her nerves. She was trying to be understanding. She had some idea of what he was going through, after all there was the time Giles had taken away her powers on her eighteenth birthday, and she'd had to face the idea of being just a normal girl for the rest of her life.

"You're a good man, human or vampire."

"You're wrong," he told her firmly. "I was a bad man. No reason to think I'd be any different now."

'Stupid vam-human' she thought. Why couldn't he see, why couldn't any of her friends see what she saw so clearly? As she looked into his blue eyes, searching for the words, it came to her. All of a sudden, the thing she'd known deep down, but hadn't been able to put a finger on, became clear.

"You weren't destroyed," she said.

"Huh?"

"By love. Angel lost his soul. Willow tried to destroy the world. Giles went on a suicidal vampire killing rampage. Anya became a vengeance demon (possibly twice), which also brings up Willow's spell and the fact D'Hoffryn offered to make her a vengeance demon. Xander says he still loves Anya and wants to be with her but he still left her at the altar. Love corrupted all of them, but you-"

"Tried to rape you," he finished for her.

"Were redeemed," she insisted. "Love made you better. I know you don't see it that way, I know since you got your soul all you can see is the wicked things you did. But that's the point. It's not a curse Spike, it's a choice. A chance to be better. And you are. More than that, you're my hope. My hope that love doesn't have to be all about pain and death and hurt."

He laughed. Not just a little either, but a big hearty, almost planted his face in his onion blossom laugh. Buffy would have been glad about it, if he hadn't been laughing at her big moment of revelation.

"You think this isn't about pain and death and hurt?" he asked as he got his laughter under control. "That's all my life is."

She took a deep breath. How could Spike be so insightful one moment, and so dense the next.

"Way to miss the entire point there. I know you hurt, Spike. I can't imagine what it's like for you, the guilt you feel. And, let's face it, part of the reason the first felt the need to torture you was because of me." He snorted. "But you're not trying to hurt people anymore. You don't take out that pain on anyone else. You just do your best to get by. and sometimes that's all you can do."

He looked away from her, refusing to meet her eyes, and drained his beer bottle. Muttering under his breath.

Buffy was satisfied. As long as he didn't have a snappy come back, it meant she won. Even if he wouldn't admit it, she was right.

"So what else do you want to do?" she asked.

He shrugged. "I don't know."

"Come on. I want to do something to make you happy. . . I mean. I don't mean. . ."

"I know what you meant," he reassured her. "Don't worry, it's not what I want anyway."

"It isn't?" she said without thinking. A little shocked at the disappointment and hurt in her own voice.

He closed his eyes and shook his head with disdain. "You really think I want a pity fuck from you?"

"That's not what I meant. I-"

"Know I'm going to keel over dead any moment and figure the least you can do is send me on my way to hell, happy." He smiled wickedly at her. "Or maybe you just can't stand the thought that you'll never get to shag me again. Your bed's getting kind of lonely these days, and for once I could warm it up for you."

"Your such a jerk. And you're not going to die," she insisted.

If it wasn't for the fact that he was probably going to die soon, she'd punch him in the nose. Well, and the fact that he was human. Plus the promise she'd made to herself about not hitting him anymore except in self defense, cause that might lead to sex.

"I'm human. We all die. Besides, not as if we're dong anything to prevent the mojo from waking up. Best I can hope for is to turn back into a pumpkin."

"The spell might be permanent. Giles said so. Would that really be so bad?"

"Not so bad, I suppose. But I just got back into the fighting, and I want to help Buffy, you shouldn't have to face this alone."

She had to bite back the comment that she was always alone.

"You will help me. If I didn't think you could help I would have gotten rid of you long ago," she assured him.

Chapter 3:

Somewhere, far in the back of her mind there was a little voice telling her that she was in the middle of an apocalypse and she shouldn't be in the Bronze dancing with her ex. It was a voice that sounded a lot like Giles. But that voice was mostly drowned out by the band.

Buffy couldn't remember when she'd had this much fun. She'd felt kind of lame when they had decided to go to the Bronze. After all going to the Bronze was nothing special, they went there all the time. She had wanted to do something really special for Spike. But other than staying up all night and watching the sun come up together, neither of them had come up with any interesting ideas. So the Bronze it was. Besides, she later realized that although she had been to the Bronze with Spike, she had never gone there 'with' Spike.

She couldn't believe how much fun she was having dancing with Spike. Why hadn't she started doing this years ago? Okay she knew why, but still, it seemed like a waste.

The thing about Spike was that he actually danced. It wasn't just that he was a good dancer, which he was, it was that he was willing to dance. Neither Angel nor Riley had ever been willing. Sure they'd do the occasional slow dance, but they would never just move to the music and enjoy themselves. Spike was more than willing.

The only problem was that Buffy would give into the music, let it move her body without any thought on her part. That was when she would suddenly find her hands on his chest, or her body pressed against his, or realize she was dancing just a little too provocatively. Then she would pull away blushing. She was the one doing it, but she knew it was affecting him too.

At one point she had spun around so that her back was to him, and she had backed into him and felt his erection firmly pressed into her ass. Spike was even more embarrassed about it than she was. He had excused himself clumsily saying he was hot and needed a drink. She let him go, and moved up to the catwalk.

He did get a cup of water, but then he looked around and not seeing her, slipped off to the bathroom. Of course now that he was human it was possible that he really did have to use the bathroom, but she found herself fantasizing about him, fantasizing about her as he jerked off.

She'd been doing a lot of that tonight. Thinking of Spike much more sexually than she had ever since he had tried to rape her. It was a weird throw back to the previous year when she spent most of the time they weren't having sex, thinking about having sex with him.

When she saw him return from the bathroom, she made her way to him. He gave her a questioning look when he saw her coming down the stairs.

"Kind of ironic, huh?" she said.

"What's that?"

"All that time last year you spent trying to drag me into the dark. Looks like I dragged you into the light instead."

"Yeah, I guess," he said, shuffling his feet and refusing to meet her eyes.

"Come on," she said grabbing his hand and pulling him to the dance floor. He followed reluctantly.

Just as they stepped out, the band finished one song, and started up a slow song.

Spike began to back away, but she held his arms tightly and asked, "Please?"

He relented. She felt a little guilty. After all, if he died she'd hate to think she bullied him into doing things he didn't want to. On the other hand she wanted this one dance, and she decided to be selfish.

At first they kept a polite distance. The same distance she would have kept if she'd been dancing with Xander.

Then she asked him, "Can I listen to it?"

He nodded, and she leaned into him, placing her ear against his chest so she could listen to the beating of his heart. He held her stiffly at first, but then he relaxed and molded his arms to her form.

Buffy closed her eyes. She felt safe in his arms, and at the same time scared that soon he wouldn't be there for her anymore.

The music ended and almost the instant the last note was played they pulled apart like two magnets with the same pole.

"Can we get out of here?" Spike asked, looking uncomfortable.

Buffy didn't really want to leave. But she decided she'd had her dance, and she would do what Spike wanted.

"Yeah, okay."

Chapter 4:

Spike was torn between wanting to get as much distance between himself and Buffy, and wanting to hold her hand. He really wanted to hold her hand. It was silly, but he'd wanted that sort of thing all the previous year when they'd been doing it like rabbits. Just the smallest public display of affection would have made his unlife complete.

But he thought if he held her hand, she might kiss him. And if she kissed him. . . who knows what might happen. Spike knew just how weak he was, how easy it would be for him to give into the temptation of the Slayer's lips and her soft smooth skin.

He just wished he knew what had gotten into her. He no longer had a vampire's sense of smell that would tell him if she was horny, but she certainly seemed to be sending out all sorts of other signals. Which Spike couldn't understand for the life of him.

In his experience, having a pulse had never attracted women, especially this woman. It wasn't real. He knew that. She didn't really want him.

No, he had it all figured out. It had been a while since the Slayer had had anyone in her bed, which hadn't mattered as long as she knew good old Spike was just waiting to jump her bones. Now she was faced with the possibility that her sure thing would be gone and she wanted to get one good last fuck in. Or it was just pity. Either way, Spike wasn't going to oblige her.

There was after all a fate worse than death looming over him. It wasn't being human. He still hadn't figured out what he thought about that. He didn't like it. Being human hadn't worked out well the first time, he didn't see why this time should be any different.

No, the fate that scared Spike was that he would get close to Buffy while she thought he might die, and then he wouldn't die. He would continue on, and she would put all the old walls back up, she would put all the distance between them again. Human or vampire, his heart couldn't take that. Not having Buffy was okay, he was resolved to that, but he couldn't lose her again.

And he knew that was what would happen if he survived this. That was simply Buffy, and he couldn't really blame her, especially now. He could see what this apocalypse was doing to her. He could see what burying young girls was doing to her. He just wished he could help. Wished there was some way he could share her burden. Any chance of that was gone now.

His thoughts were interrupted when he realized that Buffy was no longer walking beside him but had stopped several paces back.

When he saw the look on her face he tensed, looking about for something that might leap out at them. He could be walking into a nest of vampires and not realize it. It wasn't likely out here, but the possibility sent shivers down his spine.

"Something wrong?" he asked, worriedly.

She walked quickly up to him and poked him in the chest with one finger.

"Ow?" he said. "What was that for?"

"I was just checking that you weren't The First. Why are we here?" she asked suspiciously.

"What's the matter?" He looked around the bluff on which they stood and still seeing no sign of anything dangerous or otherworldly.

"Why?" she demanded.

"It's a nice view is all. We were going to watch the sun come up, remember?"

It was still early he knew, but he couldn't take more dancing with her at the Bronze. In retrospect, maybe taking her to an isolated moonlit spot hadn't been the best idea, but he hadn't even thought of that. That's when it hit him.

"Look, pe. . . Buffy, I didn't mean. . . That is, I wasn't going to try. . . I swear, I'm not trying to seduce you or force you or-" he was cut off by her laughter. He was also a little hurt by it.

"Oh, no. Spike I didn't think you were up to anything like that. It's just. . . I've been here before." He looked at her questioningly. "With Angel."

"Right, that's it. We're leaving."

She laughed. "You're not going to even ask what happened?"

"Don't really need to hear the details of you two snogging in the moonlight."

"We didn't snogg. Why is everything about sex with you?"

"ME?! I'm not the one who was giving lap dances earlier."

"That was not a lap dance. Oh! And see. Reading something sexual into a little dance. You're like one big pen-" she stopped blushing.

He smiled, momentarily forgetting all his troubles as he and Buffy fell back into their old banter. It felt good. As long as they could keep it up, everything would be okay.

He hooked his thumbs through his belt loops and splayed his fingers as he jutted out his hips. All to bring attention to the part of his body she had nearly mentioned.

"I have a big what?" he teased her.

"Didn't say 'have'. Said 'are'," she quibbled.

"Maybe, but that's not what you were thinking," he said moving in on her.

He froze, suddenly realizing what he was doing. He was flirting with Buffy. Terror shot through him. This could lead nowhere good.

"So, um. Angel. Yeah what happened?" he asked, hoping that talking about Angel would piss him off enough that he wouldn't feel like flirting.

"It was The First. Actually, the first time I faced The First. It tried to get Angel to kill himself. This is where Angel came to wait for the sun to rise."

"And you told him how much you loved him, and talked him down," Spike finished for her.

"No. I didn't," she said softly. "He wouldn't. . . he wouldn't listen to me."

In the moonlight Spike could see the tears glistening in her eyes. He hated it. He hated that Angel could still hurt her like this after so much time. He was also a little jealous, and that made him hate himself more, something that still amazed him. It seemed like he should have run out of hate and self-loathing long ago, but there always seemed to be more.

"He wanted to die more than he wanted. . ." Buffy stopped. "Wow. It's worse than I thought." He looked at her questioningly. "I don't just make guys leave town, I make them want to die."

"Buffy-" Spike started to protest.

"No," she interrupted him firmly, determined to make her point. "Angel, Riley and his biting faze, and how many times have you asked me to kill you recently?"

He looked sheepish for just a moment before he really thought about what she was saying.

"Hold on a moment," he objected. "You really are something, you know. I mean how full of yourself can you be?" She looked at him, angry and startled. "Yeah, okay, maybe I haven't been about self preservation recently, but believe it or not, that has nothing to do with you. You have no idea what goes on up here," he pointed to his skull. "No idea the pain or the nightmares. And those. . . I could live with those. But the thought that I might kill again. That some other mother might never see her little girl again because of me. . . That's what makes me want to die. If I killed again. If I hurt Dawn, or you, or. . ."

"I'm sorry," Buffy apologized.

She hugged him. For a moment Spike returned her embrace, then he pulled away as his body began to respond to the proximity of hers. What was wrong with him? It seemed like everything she did aroused him in this body. He couldn't remember being horny like this all the time when he was human the first time.

He almost laughed at himself. Of course he'd been this horny the last time. Only then he always felt deeply ashamed about it. As if there were something wrong with him for having such 'sinful' thoughts all the time. Most of the time he had been able to 'control' them. But then he would give in and lock himself in his room and masturbate and feel dirty about it for weeks afterward.

"So what happened anyway?" Spike asked her. "With Angel. How come he didn't burn up?"

"It snowed."

"No, really?"

"I'm serious. It was Christmas Eve and it snowed. Right as the sun was coming up these clouds rolled in, no direct sunlight, no vampire flambe. End of story."

Spike regarded her for a minute, trying to figure out what she thought it meant. Spike was sure it was just a freak coincidence. He refused to believe that there was some higher power looking out for Angel, because in Spike's mind, if Angel was somehow that important it must mean that he was meant for Buffy, and Spike couldn't accept that. Anyone but Angel. It wasn't just jealousy, although it was partly jealousy. It was the knowledge that Angel hurt and left everyone who ever loved him.

"If this place has to many bad memories, we can go somewhere else," he told her.

"No, it's okay. If you don't mind. Maybe. . . maybe it's kind of lucky here."

He nodded, and they sat down in the grass to talk, and wait for the sun to come up.

Chapter 5:

Dawn was getting impatient, very impatient. She was impatient with the rest of the Scoobies for not really seeming to be in research mode. Giles kept insisting that there was other things they should be spending there time on. Kennedy kept trying to insist that Willow really needed to get some sleep, although Dawn was mostly sure that she just wanted to make out with Willow. Xander, well he wasn't really a research guy to begin with, and he didn't seem all that in to trying to save Spike. And Anya was bitter and sarcastic as always.

The fact is they all would have probably left and given up on Spike if she hadn't continually lectured them on all the things Spike had done for them over the years. There had been much arguing over it. Finally Dawn had hit upon a line of reasoning, which, even if it was full of holes, the other more or less went along with.

"Look, we all know Buffy's in love with Spike, whatever she says about it. I know you don't like it, I'm not sure how I feel about it myself, but Buffy thinks she needs him. Do you all really want to face Buffy when her boyfriend dies and we could have saved him if we'd just researched an hour longer? Do this for Buffy, not for Spike."

It wasn't the best argument, but it kept them at the dinner table with old books spread in front of them. Dawn really wasn't sure how she felt about the whole thing. She wasn't ready to forgive Spike, she wasn't sure she'd ever be able to forgive him. But she wasn't ready to lose him either.

Even once she'd found out what Spike had tried to do to her sister, it hadn't made his leaving any easier. But he'd come back, and she figured after what he'd tried to do, that took guts.

She was also frustrated at Buffy. What was she thinking just running off with Spike like that? How were they supposed to save him if they couldn't. . . run test or something. Buffy did have her cell phone, so Dawn supposed they could call her if they needed to, but still it seemed irresponsible to just haul the guy off to have sex, which Dawn was sure was what they were doing.

The sun had already come up and they weren't back yet. They were probably naked in some cheep hotel living it up while Dawn was stuck trying to keep a mutinous band of Scoobies in line.

Not that it looked like it mattered whether Spike was there or not. They hadn't found anything good. Every reference to the spell seemed to imply that Spike was doomed.

Giles took off his glasses to clean them. "Dawn, it's. . . well it's early actually. I don't think anyone can accuse us of not trying. We all need rest. I think we should call it a night, or rather morning."

"But-" she started, but Willow interrupted her.

"Dawny, we tried. And we haven't heard anything from Buffy, which is good. It means Spike's just fine. He's probably stabilized, or something."

"But-"

"Dawn," Xander said. "Willow's right. We're all too tired to research anymore. If nothing's happened by now. . ."

Just then they heard the front door open. They all turned toward the door, to see a tired looking Buffy walk in. She was alone.

Dawn got up and moved to her sister. "Buffy what-?"

"Spike's dead," she said in a flat voice.

"What. . . what happened?" Willow asked cautiously.

"It was just after the sun came up, he just. . . stopped I guess. He kind of gasped, and then, his heart wasn't beating. I called 911, and I did CPR, but well. . . he dead so obviously it didn't work." Buffy put her hand on the banister rail, and moved up the first step. "Are the potentials up yet?"

"Uh, no. It's still pretty early, Buff," Xander told her.

"Right, well. I'm going to get some sleep. Wake me when they're up, we'll need to start training."

Concerned Willow asked, "Buffy are you-?"

"I'm fine, Will. I just need. . .I'm tired. Oh! Can you. . . can you find out how we can get his body from the. . . I don't know the coroner or whomever. I want to bury him myself."

"Sure, Buffy. I'll get right on that."

Buffy nodded and went upstairs.

Dawn wanted to scream at her sister. Buffy was shutting down and shutting herself off. Dawn had seen it before. Buffy would probably go cry all by herself in her room, then she'd be busy. She'd probably train the potentials into the ground. All so she wouldn't have to deal. She'd never even stop to think that maybe other people were hurting too. Okay, so in this case other people was just Dawn, the other Scoobies might care for Buffy's sake, but none of them was really sorry to see Spike go.

Dawn was. Suddenly it seemed stupid that she had avoided Spike for so long. It was obvious he had been sorry for what he did to Buffy. And not just for that, but for everyone he'd ever hurt, and Dawn had never given him the time of day.

If she could forgive Buffy for tying her up and leaving her for a demon to kill, she could forgive Spike for what he'd tried to do. Everyone else always said that Buffy hadn't really been responsible for that, she had been under the influence of demon poison, but Dawn wasn't so sure. Dawn knew there had been a moment when Buffy had chosen a life with their parents, and without Dawn. In the end Buffy had saved them, had chosen Dawn and the rest of her friends, but still it was hard knowing that Buffy's perfect world hadn't included her.

Now Buffy was shutting her out again. No one talked about Dawn being The Key anymore. But at times Dawn thought that they all still remembered that Dawn wasn't as real as the rest of them. She couldn't help wonder if at times like this Buffy shut her out because she wasn't her real sister.

There was nothing she could do about it now. She figured she needed her sleep as much as Buffy.

"Well, guess that's it. Sorry I kept you guys up last night. I'm going to bed too," Dawn told the others.

"Dawny?" Willow asked.

"I really need some sleep. I bet you guys do too. Thanks."

Dawn ignored all their concerned looks as she went upstairs to her bedroom to cry into her pillow, and hope that none of the potentials noticed.

Chapter 6:

Somehow Buffy found herself down in the basement. It was just too hard to be upstairs were everyone kept wanting something from her. What, she wasn't sure. They didn't want her to care Spike was gone, they thought it was better that way, and yet they all seemed to be waiting for her to burst into tears.

After several hours lying in bed that morning, Buffy had admitted to herself that there was no way she was going to be able to sleep so she'd gotten up and begun working with the potentials. Usually her training with them was more theory or maybe it was practical advice. The stuff that would keep you alive but wasn't written in any of the Watcher's books. She left things like technique to Kennedy and Giles. They seemed to like the endless hours of drilling.

Not today. Today she put them through their paces. She drilled them tirelessly, hoping that she could somehow tire herself. Hoping for that mythical state in which her body was so tired that exhaustion would overtake her and she wouldn't have to think. If she thought, it might become real.

But the girls were only potentials, not Slayers, and eventually even Kennedy begged for them to stop. Then came the lecturing, telling them that they weren't prepared for what was coming. It was almost as if she thought that if she concentrated hard enough on the apocalypse, she could make it happen. But as Xander had once remarked, the earth never opens up and swallows you whole when you want it to.

Finally she ended up here, in the basement. The last place she wanted to be, and the only place she seemed to be able to escape to. She paced around the room, stopping here and there, as if to touch something, and then turning away.

The problem wasn't really the basement, the problem was Sunnydale. Was there anywhere she could go that wouldn't remind her of Spike? He'd been part of her life for so long, that everyplace she thought to go had some sort of memory, some sort of connection to Spike.

'Tea,' she thought. 'A nice herbal tea, that'll calm me down, something with mint.' Mint tea seemed as anti-Spike a drink as there was, and if she stayed in the basement anymore, she thought she might go insane. Besides, it sounded quieter up top.

As she emerged from the basement into the kitchen, she could see why. The sun had gone down. It was evening and she could hear the sounds of far too many people arguing over the remote control.

She began to look through the cupboards for a mug, but she couldn't find one. How could every glass in the house be dirty? Annoyed she pulled one out of the sink and began vigorously scrubbing it.

"Careful, Slayer. You might scrub that glass away," a familiar voice said behind her.

She spun around, tears threatening to spill down her cheek, for the first time, since the paramedics had left with Spike's body.

"Do not pretend to be him," her voice sounded strong, but as soon as the words left her mouth she knew it was a mistake to let The First know how much this particular apparition bothered her.

"Oh, bloody hell." The ghost shook it's head, and looked up, in just the way Spike did when he realized he'd said the wrong thing. "I didn't think."

He moved towards her and she backed away, even though she knew he couldn't touch her. It was more like he might contaminate her if he got too close. He darted towards her and grabbed her arm. The minute cold, solid fingers closed on her wrist, she collapsed, crying into his very real arms.

"It's me, pet. I'm sorry, shouldn't have snuck up on you like that."

"You died," she accused him between sobs.

"Yeah, didn't mean to. Didn't mean to cause so much trouble."

"I missed you," she said as she buried her face in his chest.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As usual Giles had figured out what was going on after it had ceased to matter. Of course he blamed that on Spike, claiming he had withheld vital information about his transformation, namely that although he had become human, the demon had not left him.

Spike thought that was rubbish, he hadn't bothered to tell them if he still had all his toes either. It wasn't as if you bothered to check for that sort of things. The demon was a part of him, and it didn't occur to him that it was odd that it hadn't gone away.

Giles had then explained that Spike's soul must have been fused to the demon when it was restored. Just as the soul couldn't animate a dead body, the demon couldn't animate the living body, but together they could reside in Spike whether he was dead or alive.

His soul had kept him conscious after he'd become human. When the spell had worn off, the demon had needed time to regain control of Spike's body. In effect it had had to turn Spike all over again.

It had been Xander who'd broken the silence after Giles' long-winded explanation. "So I guess this means every thing's back to normal and we can get back to our regularly scheduled apocalypse?"

"Yeah," Spike agreed. "Who knew life was all sound and fury signifying nothing?"

Willow giggled a little, but mostly out of politeness. Giles cleaned his glasses and muttered something under his breath about, "A tale told by an idiot, indeed."

The rest of them just looked at Spike with blank expressions. He shook his head, said, "Bloody Americans," and retreated back to the basement.

Things certainly seemed to have gone back to normal. Although Buffy had been all tears and hugs when she found out he was still alive, she no longer seemed to want anything sexual from him. That only confirmed Spike's earlier theory that she'd just wanted to give him a pity fuck before he died.

But things weren't quite the same. First of all Dawn had been every bit as tearful and hugy as her sister. For the first time since she'd threatened to light him on fire if he ever hurt Buffy again, she was willing to actually talk to him. Being friends with the Nibblet again almost made the whole awful ordeal worth it.

His relationship wasn't the only thing that had changed. Something inside Spike had changed, or maybe, come back, he wasn't sure. Never once since getting his soul had Spike ever wished to be human again or regretted being a vampire. He'd regretted all the people he'd hurt, raped, and killed, but being a vampire. . . Who would Spike be if he wasn't Spike?

Certainly not William. Sometimes Spike wondered if he'd gotten back the same soul he'd lost all those years ago. He felt no more like William than he had when he'd been evil. There was, yes, a continuity of memory and emotion. And maybe if he looked hard enough he could find ways in which he was the same, but Spike had always felt completely reborn the night Drusilla had killed him.

And now, after more than a century of bloodshed and violence, the last thing he ever wanted to be was William. William had not been a good man. He'd turned his back on the evils of the world, and pretended they weren't there. William had looked only for the 'beauty' in the world ignoring everything else. Spike knew that beauty was only a mask, and that some of the ugliest things had the most worth.

So Spike had never wanted to be human again. Everything he liked about himself, everything that made him worth anything was tied up in being a vampire. Well, except for loving Buffy. That transcended human and vampire, demon and soul. Still what was he worth, even to her if he was human?

But there had been a moment, just a moment, when the sun had been rising and Buffy's hair glowed like a halo around her smiling face. He had looked into her glittering hazel eyes, and a life had passed before his eyes.

Not his life, not a life he'd ever lived, or even imagined before that moment. It was a life with her. Not in the sort of relationship he'd always imagined them in, something more or less like he'd had with Dru. Instead for a moment he'd seen the possibility of an actual life with Buffy, as her husband. He saw their children, and the sort of suburban life that should have sent chills down his spine. But it didn't.

Maybe there was still some of William left in him after all. That would have been William's idea of a good life. A wife and kids. To Spike it had always seemed boring and common. And yet. . .

It wouldn't go away. When he closed his eyes, he saw it. His life as a man, a husband, a father. It was silly, absurd even. There was no reason to think that Buffy would have had him even if he'd remained human. And now that he was a vampire again, it was impossible. No vampire had ever become human again.

Well, he'd heard Darla had, but she'd been dusted first, and that Wolfram & Hart outfit had been behind it. He knew them only by reputation, but he was sure that powerful black magics had been involved and he wanted none of that.

Still, a little voice in the back of his mind whispered, "You could do it. You're Spike. You found the Gem of Amara. You won back your soul. If this is what you want all you have to do is look for a way."

But that would mean leaving Sunnydale, and more importantly Buffy. If he left, he'd never get her back, she'd never forgive him. Not to mention how much it would hurt her. It was a foolish dream, and there was no point in hanging onto it.

So Spike lay down on his cot in the basement, and tired not to wish there was someway he could be human again.