Blue Eyed Suicide

Author’s Note: This story is not fluffy. This story is full of angst and not so nice topics. Buffy and Spike’s relationship in this story is somewhat sick and filled with pain. The first few chapters are flashbacks of the first nine years of their relationship, leading to the big breakup. The following chapters will lead to the couples recovery.

~*~*~*~*~*~*

Do you want to run away together?
I would say it was your best line ever
Too bad I fell for it

~*~*~*~*~*~*

Sitting here, in front of computer screen, my memories haunting me, I can’t seem to get all of my thoughts straight. Nine years of my life are racing though my mind, my heart and soul screaming at me, and I can’t seem to put the feelings into words.

Every relationship as a history.

A timeline that details all the ups and downs, the hard times and the good moments.

Every relationship has a story. I like to think our story is unique.

It all started about ten years ago .

I blame his eyes for it all.

Looking back I think it was his eyes that did it. Everything else I could have resisted, but his eyes, they stunned me. The first time I saw him I was literally in shock, I couldn’t believe he was real. Sitting at my table in the very back of the club, I was impressed when he stepped up to the mike, his voice shooting through me like lightening, but the voice I could have handled, in all my years I had heard better. But then he opened his eyes, and that was the end of it for me, there was never a thought of turning back.

The bastard.

How dare he do this to me? Who the fuck told him he could do this, that he could just show up in my life one day and completely turn my world upside down?

I had been around wannabe rock stars all my life. Having a talent agent for a father kind of puts you in the middle of the whole music scene. So I considered myself pretty jaded when it came to that world. I was wrong. I was 20 years old, a junior in college studying art history, my passion. I was at a place in my life where I knew what I wanted, knew where I was going and was happy.

Spike was a roadblock, a test, something placed in my path to distract me. It worked

I had always prided myself how I reacted to the musicians my father brought around. I had never been one of those girls who swooned for drummers and panted over guitar players. Then he happened and my whole world changed.

I caved for him, let him become my everything. I was so stupid.

The story of our relationship is also the story of my wonderful downfall. The story of my descent into madness.

The story of how I went from the promising college girl to the victim, the woman that has nothing left.

Yes, every relationship has a story.

A timeline that details all the ups and downs of two people’s lives together.

There is the beginning.

The meeting of two people,

(“Well, well, well, what have we here? I don’t believe we’ve met before gorgeous. Name’s, Spike. What’s yours?”

“I’m out your league.”

“Oh, really? I’d like to challenge that, pet.”

“You’re not the first.”)

The first date,

“One date, that’s all.”

“I thought he wasn’t your type Buffy.”

“He’s not. But there’s something there. I can’t explain it.”

The middle of course.

The time when things start to go sour,

“I don’t get it, five years, five fucking years and nothing! You say you love me, you move me halfway across the fucking country to live with you, and I can’t get a simple fucking ring?!”

“Don’t fucking push me, Buffy! You know what happens when you push me!”


“Tell you little sister, you tell her, she’d better call the police, cause I’m going to kill you Buffy. You tell her.”
“I can’t explain it, he is this complete and total mess, he’s everything I’ve fought to stay the hell away from all my life and yet, I can’t stay away from him.”

“You’re too good for me, you know that right? I don’t deserve you.”

“He hit me, Wills. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to end this. I can’t. I’m sick!”

“I love you, pet, you’re my world, but I can’t marry you. I just can’t. Maybe one day.”

“You’re Spike’s girlfriend, Buffy, right? Oh, honey he talks about you all the time. It just breaks his heart when you miss the shows.”

“I’m sorry pet, you know I’ve got a show this weekend, I can’t make it. You know this would be some much easier if you moved out here with me.”

“I’m moving to New York with Spike. He thinks he‘ll have a better chance of making it there. I just, I think it’ll be good for us to be together, maybe if we‘re in the same state, things will get better.”

“If you want a normal boyfriend, pet, then I’m not it. You need to understand that. I’m not good for you.”

“I don’t want normal. I want you.”

“I’m sorry, baby, I know I was wrong, I’ll never hit you again.”

“I know it sounds sick, Willow, but I think I can save him. I feel like I need to save him from himself. I can’t help it.”

And then, finally there is the end.


“So, this is it? You fucking coward?! You’re just going to walk out? Huh? Nine years and you just fucking quit on me?!”

“I’m through, Buffy, I am sick of this bullshit. I’m done.”

“Oh, that’s nice, real nice, Spike, aren’t you going to say goodbye to Idol?”

“I’ll be back for my other stuff. Eventually.”

“Willow?! Can you, can you come over, he’s gone. Spike left me.”

But sometimes the end isn’t really the end is it? Sometimes the end if just a bump in the road. That’s what I keep telling myself, I keep telling myself that this is not the real, true end. It can’t be.

This is the story of our relationship. It got messy, it got ugly, but still, it our story
~*~*~*~*~*

I'm tired of hiding
Behind these lying eyes
I'm tired of this smile
That even I don't recognize

~*~*~*~*~*

~TBC~













Lyrics from 'The Good Kind' By The Wreckers

Blue Eyed Suicide

Chapter One ~ It All Starts With A Glance

Sunnydale, California
March
1996

~*~*~*~*~*~

I remember that night like it was yesterday.

The Bronze, the local college hotspot, was at it’s best. Music pounding throughout the club, people everywhere, the dance floor packed with young college students looking for a release. I was there that night with friends, sitting at our usual table, in the back. We were laughing, sipping our stolen drinks and having a good time, just like every other Friday night before.

We had been there for a few hours, it was getting late and we were talking about heading out, to get something to eat before calling it a night when the bands switched onstage. This ordinarily was no big deal, Friday nights at The Bronze was ‘Open Mic Night’ so anywhere from five to eight bands played on average, but something caught my attention and I looked up at the stage, fascinated.

The band on stage seemed pretty scruffy, nothing really special about them, but the song, the song struck something in me. I registered the first few strings of an Alice in Chains song and smile automatically. I loved Alice and Chains. Then the lead singer stepped away from the mic, letting the guitar player take center stage and I was amused by his appearance.

He was dressed all in black, he was very scrawny, his bleached hair making him look like a cast out from a eighties movie. He was looking down at his guitar, preparing to play, he fiddled with the mic, keeping his face hidden from the crowd below the stage. I was prepared for a let down, surely this Billy Idol wannabe would demolish the song.

But then he opened his mouth, his face still hidden and began,

“What's gone wrong, I can't see straight
Been too long, so full of hate”

I smiled, happy to see that the boy could actually sing, he wasn’t the best I’d ever heard, by far, but he had a certain charm.

“What the fuck will it take
Drown myself in my wake
Another shaggy D.A.
Now a dog, shake my leg
Plastic man, paper face
Candy heart, what a waste
Gotta change, set a date”

I sat there, my drink in my hand, swaying to the music slowly, moving my feet along, enjoying the feeling of his voice washing over me. Then in one moment, my whole life changed.

“Stare at me with empty eyes and
Point your words at me
Mirror on the wall will show you
What you're scared to see”

The blonde man on stage, the one with the mediocre voice looked up, and out into the crowd and for one split second his eyes met mine for the first time. A lightening bolt went through me, my heart stopped and was lost. He blinked, the spell was over and he looked back down, his crystal blue eyes hidden once more and he continued to sing. I was still stunned.

“I can see, yeah - (wish I couldn't see at all)
I can feel - (wish I couldn't feel at all)
Hate to see - (wish I couldn't see at all)
Hate to feel - (wish I couldn't feel at all)

So climb the walls,
Thin my blood now
And I crawl, back to bed now

What the hell, gotta rest
Aching pain in my chest
Lucky me, now I'm set

Little bug for a pet
New Orleans, gotta get
Pin cushion medicine
Used to be curious
Now the shit's sustenance

All this time I swore I'd never
Be like my old man
What the hay it's time to face
Exactly what I am”

The blonde mystery man finished the song, and the lead singer took over his spot, doing a few original songs that didn’t really register on my radar. The band, ‘Ghost of the Robot’, finished their set and left the stage quietly, and another unknown band took their spot.

But I stayed there, at that table, for what seemed like ages, in a trance. My drink sat there, forgotten, my friends oblivious to my predicament. My thoughts were running wild, I had to meet this beautiful man.

Then I saw him, sneaking along the wall, avoiding eye contact with everyone making his way to the crowded bar. I looked over at my half empty drink and shrugged, I need a refill. I tapped Willow on the shoulder and motioned towards the bar to let her know I was leaving and quickly made my way over to where my mystery man was standing. He had his back to me, he was leaning over yelling the bartender over. I scooted in behind him leaning over, trying to accidentally brush his arm. When I made contact, the man looked behind him quickly, stunning me with his eyes once more, and then the contact was gone and he was making his way back to the backstage area, beer in hand.

Over the next few months I arranged to be at his bands shows quite a few times. Luckily they played in the area plenty. It took a few times for my friends to catch on, and when they did it was a free ticket for mocking.

All of them were impressed that this man could gauge such a reaction in me. I was normally such a hard ass when it came to men, especially band guys. Growing up as Hank Summers daughter, the hottest talent agent in L.A, I had come across my fair share of rockers. But this guy, there was something about him that just drew me in. His eyes haunted me.


Finally about six months into my little obsession I got my chance to meet the man behind the eyes. It was just after school started, my final year at UCSU, and my Dad had gotten us backstage passes to the Battle of the Bands contest in L.A’s newest hotspot. I knew Ghost of the Robot was playing and I insisted that me and my friends road trip into the city for the weekend.

We had been there for about three hours, dancing, drinking, the usual when I drifted from my friends to head to the ladies room. I had just finished up and was in the hall outside the bathrooms when I literally ran smack into old blue eyes himself. At first I expected him to just skitter off like he had the last time we had met, but instead he backed off with a smirk, his eyes full of mischief.

I smiled at him, my face red, my heart pounding with excitement. We just stood there for a few moments, looking at each other, and then I realized that it was mischief shining in his eyes. No, it was something else. An illegal, dangerous something else. I felt stupid, and my face flushed with humiliation. Of course he was high, that’s what rock star wannabe’s did in L.A. That was why I was so opposed to them in this first place.

He stepped closer to me and as he did I caught a whiff of his breath and fought the urge to gag. He smelled like a fucking brewery. My eyes watered at the fumes coming off of him.

“Well, well, well, what have we here? I don’t believe we’ve met before gorgeous. Name’s, Spike. What’s yours?” He said in a strong English accent, his tongue curling behind his teeth in an attempt to be sexy.

However it had the opposite effect on me at the time.

“I’m out your league.” I said as I tried to walked away. He stepped up to my side though, trying to keep me in the hallway with him.

“Oh, really? I’d like to challenge that, pet.”

I fought off the urge to laugh, he really was a cocky bastard.

“You’re not the first.”

I shook my head as I left the hallway, me and my friends were on our was back to school within the half hour. My little rock star obsession on it way to being a distant memory. Or so I thought, I was so naïve back then.

~*~*~*~*~*~

~TBC~



The Song performed is by Alice In Chains