Chapter 1-

Buffy was fighting a nasty vampire that just would night die. This was so getting on her nerves, but what could she do, she was the slayer after and this was her destiny, even if she didn‘t like it. It was her duty and at times like this, she wished she had…’Not gonna go there. I don’t need him. I never did.’ She thought defiantly as punched the vampire in the nose.

The vampire stepped back, cupped his nose and tried to snap it back in place quickly, but Buffy managed a kick to groin, but he blocked the kick, spun her around, and punched her in the face. She reeled back momentarily and quickly got back into the fight. Kicks and punches were thrown between them and she was thrown back through the air, landing on her ass.

“Hey, so not fair!” Buffy jumped up, got a running star and sailed through air, landing a kick to the head. The demon shook it off and return many kicks and punches at Buffy. Some she blocked, some she ducked out of the way, and some managed to land on her face and her mid section, but she fought through the pain.

Irritated that the slayer wasn’t already dead, he kicked her squarely in the chest, but Buffy stood her ground. With one last spin heel kick, she sent him flying back.

“Not bad. How hard you gonna hit when you’re blowin’ in the wind?” Buffy asked sarcastically, reaching into her back pocket for her stake.

The vampire quickly rose to his feet and began his attack once again, leaping through the air with a flying kick, but she was quicker than the eye could see as she staked him right through the heart. The force from the kick connecting with her chest, send her flying backwards into a headstone. It shattered beneath her when she landed on it.

“Uh, where’s the back up when you need it.” Buffy groaned in pain as she tried getting up, but she quickly realized she had some broken bones. She didn’t want to fight getting up and stayed in place momentarily. “That was rhetorical.” Buffy pouted as she watched the spot where the vampire turn to ash, blow away in the wind.

“Ow, ow, ow, ow,” Buffy slowly rose up, holding her side as she walked home.

****
Buffy finally made it home, it was already well past dark. As she turned to walk up the walk way, she realized no one was home. For the first time, in a long time, she was glad there wasn’t a car in the driveway. She didn’t feel like being doted on. A nice bath, she thought, as she gingerly made her way up the steps, would do me good.

Gradually, Buffy pulled out her keys from her pocket, slide it into the lock, turned it, and walked in. She kicked the door shut and made her way up to her room, slowly changed out of her clothes and into her terry cloth robe. She moved slowly to the bathroom.

Buffy realized the pain had subsided a bit, and didn’t hurt quite as much, but she knew in the morning, she was gonna pay for it.

Once in the bathroom, switched on the light and very carefully walked over to the tub, plugged it, and then turned the tap on. While waiting for the water to fill, she lit a few candles and shut the light off, leaving the room in a soft, golden glow.

The slayer then removed her robe and gently slid in the tub and turned the water off. She closed her eyes and let the hot water soot her body. The few minutes of solitude was interrupted.

“You hurt?” Spike said from the doorway, breaking her train of thought. “You’re weren’t moving so well.”
Buffy opened her right eye and glanced at Spike. She sighed, but then realized he wasn’t wearing his duster. Where’s the duster? He always wears his duster. Something must be up, but please leave me out of it. I’m in no mood for it tonight. She shut her eye, took a deep breath and let it out of her mouth.

“Leave, Spike.” Buffy wasn’t in the mood to deal with their relationship. Is that what it is? “I just want to be alone tonight. Can you understand that?”

The vampire closed the door behind him and walked purposely to tube, saying, “We need to talk.”

Stealing herself, Buffy looked up at him finally. “I really don’t.” She didn’t care that she was naked. He wasn’t really looked anyway.

“Well,” Spike shook his head. “This isn’t just about you.” Why does she always make this about her? “As much as you’d like it to be, it’s not.”

Buffy closed her eyes again, willing him away. He’s so dead if he gets any closer. It was to late, he was right above her and her body tingled with delight, betraying her. “You’ve spoken,” Buffy opened her eyes and looked straight into his blue eyes, “I’ve listened. Now please leave. I’m in no mood for this shit. I’m sore as hell and I want to be alone.”

Kneeling in front of her, Spike sighed. “I’m sorry. Not that it matters anymore, but I really need you to know that.” He placed his hand on the tub. For the first time since he’d come into the bathroom, he glanced at naked form and quickly looked up at Buffy, who was watching him.

“Why?” Her voice cracked as he she watched him closely.

“Because, I-I care about you! Because I wanted…you know what, it don’t matter, but in your eyes, I‘m an evil and soulless. So nothing ever really happen for us.” He stood up and began to pace. Showing her his true feelings was hard enough.

“Then you might not try sleeping with my friends,” Buffy replied testily, but deep down, she was more than hurt. She trusted Spike, and even cared for him a little. And he did that? That was a low blow, even for him.

Spinning around, Spike shout out, “Oh come on now, I didn’t go to Anya for that. I was looking for a spell.”

Rolling her eyes, Buffy thought shocked, Oh god, he was gonna use the spell on me, but he could have had me without that…Wait, did I just say that? No, that would never happen. Spike is an evil soulless demon. “You were going to use the spell on me?” She raised her eyebrow, waiting for an answer.

With a weary sigh, Buffy unstopped the tube, rose up and grabbed her robe. She no longer felt comfortable with him in such a close proximity.

“Here, let me help you with that.” Spike reached out to her as she put her robe on, but she wrenched herself away from him, ignoring the pain that suddenly flared up in her ribs.

“I am capable of doing this myself,” snapped Buffy as she glared up at Spike. “I can’t believe you, Spike. Of all the lousy things you’ve done…” She tired her robe.

“Bloody hell, no,” Spike said frustrated. “This isn’t about you, Buffy. I wanted something…” He paused placing his hand on his chest, indicating something within him, though Buffy didn’t seem to notice what he was referring to…his soul. “I wanted these feelings to stop. I’m tired of you always beating me down, using me. I wanted it to stop! But you can’t understand that. Can you?”

For the first time, Buffy actually felt sorry for this man. That is what he is, a man. She was beginning to understand that maybe sometimes things aren’t always black and white, that they may just be grey. And in this case, Spike was certainly in the grey.

He watched her momentarily, expecting her to respond, but all she could do was stare back at him in confusion. “That’s just great, slayer, just great,” he said, hurt building in his voice. He mistook her quietness to mean something entirely different, but he was just as a confused and hurt as he was.

All Spike really wanted, was for her to love him and to treat him with respect, but she couldn’t even do that. “You should have let him kill me.” He said in soft, gentle tone.

“I--I couldn’t do that,” Buffy replied, quietly.

“Why is that?” Spike’s hands were on his hips as he began to pace. “Is because you love me?” He snickered. It couldn’t possible be that!

“You know why,” Buffy moved away from him, afraid to admit how she truly felt.

“You love me, and you can’t well bloody admit it.” Spike pulled her close to him, searching her eyes for the truth. “Why do you keep lying to yourself. I see it in your eyes.”

Wrenching herself away from Spike’s grasp, Buffy said defiantly, “I don’t love you! I did have feelings for you, but they went away when you slept with Anya.”

Spike’s heart broke into a million little pieces and Buffy watched helplessly, wondering why she was doing this to him, when she didn’t mean to. Maybe it was the slayer talking, maybe, oh who knew, but she couldn’t stop herself from finishing him off.

Why am I doing this to him?

“I could never trust you enough for it to be love.” That did it. There went the last piece of his heart hitting the floor.

Spike laughed to hide the hurt. “Trust is for old marrieds, Buffy.”

This was total pressure for Buffy. She wanted to run far away from all of this. She couldn’t take it anymore. Why did love have to suck?

“Great love is wild…” Spike looked intently her in the eyes. “It’s passionate, dangerous…It burns…it consumes.”

Buffy rolled her eyes. “Yeah, until there’s nothing left. Love like that doesn’t last.” But how would I know, I’ve never experience love like that? What I had with Angel wasn’t anything like Spike and I have. It’s wild, dangerous, all consuming….OH god, those are Spike’s words.

Pacing back and forth, Spike glanced at her every so often, but every time he looked at her, he was even more upset with her. How could she hurt him like that and not even know what she did to him. She can’t keep fooling herself. He stopped momentarily. “I know you feel like I do. You don’t need to hid it anymore.” Spike felt desperate, more desperate than he’d ever felt. He wanted to hold her one more time, but he didn’t want to force physically into anything. This wasn’t about that. This was about how they both felt, but if she couldn’t admit it, then there wasn’t anything left for him Sunnyhell.

“Spike, please, just leave it. Does this even have to mean anything?” God, why do I keep saying these things?

“You know what, don’t even bother. I’m done being love’s bitch. I’m just….tired.” Spike turned away from her, never once looking back. “If you can’t admit to me that you love me, then there’s no reason for me to stick around.” He stormed out of the bathroom and out of the house, determined to leave everything that he’d ever loved behind.

“Spike, wait, please.” Buffy ran after him, but by the time she’d made it to the street, he was already gone in the night. She couldn’t feel him anymore and she felt more alone than she‘d ever felt. “Damn it, why the hell couldn’t I tell him the truth? Why did I have to keep hurting him?” She began to cry. She’d hurt him, the man that she loved. How could she be such a bitch?

Chapter 2-

Buffy had moved to the swing and thought about what had happened. All those hateful words she’d said to him. If he saw it in her eyes, why couldn’t he believe what he saw?

When Willow and Dawn pulled up half hour later, they hadn’t seen Buffy sitting on the swing. It wasn’t until they come up the steps, that they’d seen her.

“Willow, look, why is Buffy out here?” Dawn asked, worriedly, as she looked at her friend.

“I don’t know.”

Dawn ran over to her sister, noticing that Buffy was in her rob. “Are you ok?” There was a bit of chill to the air and Dawn pulled her sister to her feet. “Come inside.”

Buffy went willingly with her sister and friend, and they made themselves comfortable in the living room sofa. Willow set the DVD’s that she and Dawn picked out earlier on the table and then sat on the other side of Buffy. “What’s the matter?”

“What‘s wrong with me?” Buffy asked her friend.

“Dawnie, go make some popcorn ok, and we’ll watch the kiddie movie you picked out, ok?”

“But…” Dawn protested.

“Go!”

Dawn crossed her arms over her chest defiantly and stomped away, mumbling to herself, “I never get to stay for these kinds of conversations.”

When Dawn was out of rang, Willow asked, “Why would you ask me that, Buffy?”

Buffy brushed her tears away. “Answer the question, Wil.”

“There’s nothing wrong with you,” Willow responded honestly. “Just tell me what’s wrong. I know there’s something bothering you, otherwise, you wouldn’t be a mushy mess.”

“Nothing.” The slayer shook her head. She couldn’t tell her friend what went on, but she knew deep down, Willow would be the one to trust with this.

“Buffy, you know you can trust me. I know I’ve done some bad things in the past, but, you have to know, I’m here for you.” Willow sighed, feeling bad for her friend. Whatever it was, really got her in a tizzy.

Something is been bothering Buffy and it has been for awhile. I wonder if it has anything to do with Spike. They started to get close around the time of the singing and dancing catastrophe that Xander caused. She silently giggled to herself.

“Come on, Buffy, you’ve got some splany to do,” Willow said after a few moments to lighten the serious mood. “I’ve got eyes.”

“What?” Buffy looked up at Willow, believing that she knew what had been going on between her and Spike. “I didn’t…we didn’t tell anybody, Willow, it just sort of happened. I couldn’t help myself when I was around him. He made me feel…alive.” Buffy took a breath and then asked. “How’d you know?”

Willow just giggled.
“What?” Buffy asked surprised.

“You just told me.” Willow giggled again.

“Hey, you tricked me.” A smile spread across the slayer’s face. “Did you really know?” Buffy was suddenly feeling some what better, but the ache in her heart had not gone away.

“Well, no, not really, I knew that you were getting closer, especially at your birthday party.” Willow crossed her legs, giving off a fun grin. “You wanna know what really convinced me of something, it wasn’t the stolen glances you gave to each other…” Willow elbowed Buffy playfully, “It was this amazing chemistry you two shared. Don’t get me wrong, you’ve always chemistry, but this was something different. It was love.”

Buffy was shocked. She didn’t think anyone noticed what was going on, well, other than Tara. “It was that obvious?”

“Totally!” Dawn snuck out of the kitchen.

“What?” Buffy looked like a dear caught in the headlights. “Oh god, even my little sister knew? Oh the humiliation.” Buffy’s face turned crimson color.

Willow and Dawn just giggled. Dawn came into the living and sat down next to Buffy.

“God, I didn’t intend for this to get some complicated.” Buffy ran a hand through her hair. “It was something that just happened. At first, I was just using him and Spike was totally fine with that, but I began to abuse him, use him for my own pleasure, but the lines begun to blur.” She turned towards Willow, tears welling in her eyes, “I wasn’t very nice to him, Willow. No he’s gone. I didn’t even get a chance t tell him how I felt…He wanted to know and I was so horrible to him.” Buffy began to cry again.

Willow and Dawn hugged Buffy. “I know, sweetie, I know.” Willow took a deep breath. She knew that hurt all to well, she‘d been there before when she was still with Oz. “Maybe you should go find him, tell him how you feel.”

“I can’t,” Buffy sat up. “I’m sure that he’s long gone by now. He said that he wasn’t going to stay.”

“What?” Dawn asked incredulously. “Buffy, why did you send him away? He loves you! He‘d never try to hurt you. You should have just told him how you felt. You didn‘t have to hurt him.”

Way to make Buffy feel better! Buffy thought to herself with a sigh.

“Dawnie, hold on. Buffy was just confused. I’m sure she was afraid to admit the truth to herself and to Spike. We all get scared,” the sensible Willow spoke up and Buffy vigorously nodded.

“All the times that he asked me, I could never admit what I truly felt. Today was the first time I’d even come close, but even then, I couldn’t. I said some hateful, hurtful things to him.” Buffy began to cry again. “He said that he wasn’t going to wait, that he was tried of being love’s bitch.”

Dawn handed Buffy a tissue and she watched as her sister dapped at her eyes.

“He said that?” Willow said, feeling the wave of hurt coming from her friend. Buffy nodded with a sniffled. “He didn’t mean it Buffy. He was just upset. We all say things that we don’t mean, in the heat of an argument.”

But Buffy didn’t believe that.

Chapter 3-

Spike had entered his crypt, slamming the door hard, almost ripping it off the hinges. He was to pissed or hurt to care. He made his way to his fridge, pulled out a bottle of whiskey, ripped the lid off, and took a quick swig of the amber liquid. It was beginning to calm his frayed nerves, but he was still on edge.

Sighing, Spike sat on his tattered chair, dust flew out around him, and he took another quick drink of the whisky and suddenly realized what he could have done to her, if he hadn’t walked away.

“Oh, bloody, hell.” He stood up, pained expression written all over his face. “I could have…Oh, god, I could have…raped her.” The bottle slipped out of his fingers and crashed to the floor. “She’s right, I am a monster.”

Images of what could have happened, flooded his mind. Spike straddling Buffy at the waist, holding her hands with his left arm, while groping her breast with the other, all the while struggling beneath him.

“Oh god,” Spike said in a horsed whisper. He closed his eyes, shaking his head of the thoughts. “No! I couldn’t have done that…would I have done that?”

Spike was to lost in thought to hear Clem entering the crypt. He glanced at the door hanging from the hinges and stumbled down the steps looking, almost dropping the bucket of chicken in his hands. “Whoah! What happened here?” Clem whispered and then glanced at Spike. “Knock, knock?”

Spike opened his eyes slowly.

“You, ok?”

“What are you doing here?” Spike broke up.

“I was, uh, just in the neighborhood, so I thought you know…” Clem held up of the bucket of chicken, and slowly set the bucket on the chair next to the vampire. “You ok? You’re not lookin’ so good, Spike.”

The vampire frowned, but did not respond.

“Well, I’m here if ya need me, until then there’s a Nightrider marathon on TV, so uh, I got hot wings too.” Clem picked up the bucket of chicken and popped down on the chair and switched on the TV.

“Why didn’t she tell me?” Spike asked, hurt evident in his voice.

Clem turned down to the TV, “Who didn’t what?” He was confused. Spike shook her head dismissively. “Oooh, the slayer. Huh? Gosh.” The demon nodded. They‘d been through this conversations many, many times before. “She break up with you again?”

“We were never together, not really.” There was sadness in Spike’s voice and Clem felt guilty for not being a better friend. “She’d never lower herself that far.” Spike’s last comment came out a little to sarcastically.

“She’s a sweet girl, Spike,” Clem looked up at the blonde vampire, “but hey…Whew…Issues.” He wanted to help his friend out, but not with the romantic stuff, he was never good at that sort of thing.

Spike gave his good friend a sarcastic laugh. He knew Clem was right. Buffy did have her issues.

“And no wonder, with the whole thing coming back from the grave and what not…Hey, I had this cousin, who got resurrected by some kooky shaman…”Clem chuckled. “Whooo-boy! What a mess.”

Raising his scared eyebrow, Spike said, “Not helping, Clem.” Spike sighed. “Why do I feel this way?” He asked desperately.

Clem shrugged. He didn’t know, but said the first thing that came to mind, “Love’s a funny thing. You can’t help who you fall in love with, Spike, whether you‘re a vampire or she the slayer. The fates have a funny sense of human, they do.”

“Is that what this is?” Spike asked, tone unsure. Clem looked just as uncertain as Spike felt. Clem had always known that Spike was a little different. “Why doesn’t she love me back then?”

“Spike,” Clem stood up. “I wish I could answer that for you. Just give her time, she’ll come around.”

The vampire sighed dejectedly. “She’s never gonna bloody come around.”

“Don’t say that, Spike.” Clem tried to comfort the vampire, but he was to stubborn for his own good. “Spike, when she’s ready, she’ll come around. I’m sure of it.”

Shaking his head no, Spike knew that Buffy would never admit her true feelings because then that would mean she loved an evil soulless creature such as himself. That’s it, this bloody chip has got to come out. I’ll show her what evil soulless demon I can really be! That’ll bloody well show her! “Save it Clem.” Spike said abruptly. “She’s never going to admit it.”

The vampire’s outburst startled Clem and he fell back into the chair, knocking the chicken on the floor. He shrugged, and placed them all back in the carton.

“You know, everything used to be so clear.” Spike jumped down to his bedroom chamber, Clem followed and watched as Spike packed everything he owned.

Where is he going? Clem wondered. “Where ya going?” He asked, but Spike ignored him.

“Everything used to be so clear…’till I met the bloody slayer… Slayer…Vampires…They don’t have relationships. A vampire kills the slayers, sucks them dry, and picks his teeth with her bones. It’s always been that way, Clem.” Spike looked up at his friend. “I’ve tasted the life of two slayers. But with Buffy…” He grimaced at the anguish it was causing him. “It isn’t supposed to be this way. I’m not supposed to fall in love with the slayer.” He packed up the last of his things. “It’s this bloody chip.” Spike pointed to his head, a few moments later. “Steel and wires and silicon.” He sighed. “It won’t let me be who I’m supposed to be. And I can’t be a man. I’m nothing.” He concluded quietly.

“Hey, come on, now. Don’t be so Mr. Negative. You know what’s just around the corner.” Clem shrugged. “Things may change. I have a feeling they will.” He only hoped that they would. He hated seeing Spike so sad.

”Yeah, they do.” Spike responded absently as he climbed the ladder to the top floor. “But I’m not waiting around.” He suddenly knew what he had to do.

“Hey wait,” Clem followed. “Where you going?” He looked at Spike helpless.

“I’m leaving this hellhole. It was good knowin’ ya mate. I’m not sure if I’ll be back.” Spike shook hands with Clem. “If the slayer comes looking for me, don’t tell her anything. I don’t want her to know that I’ve gone. Let her stew for awhile.”

“But…” Clem tried to stop Spike, but the vampire was already gone. Shrugging, Clem grabbed his hot wings, sat in the chair and turned the TV onto the Nightrider marathon. He knew that Spike needed to blow off a little steam. “He’ll be back.”

*****
Once everyone was a fast asleep, Buffy quietly slipped out of the house, and headed for Spike’s. Willow was right, Buffy had to tell Spike what she was feeling and to majorly apologize for her hurtful words.
When Buffy entered the crypt, she saw the door hanging off the hinges and thought the worst, but her fears calmed when she heard the TV blaring in the corner of the room.

“Spike?” She called, walking over to the corner, half expecting to see him sitting there watching reruns of Passions on Soap Net.

The floppy eared demon, woke up, then glanced at Buffy, who was standing before him and yelped in surprise. He jumped up, startled. The food he was munching on flew up in the air, and landed on his head and various parts on his body. “Suffering cats, Buffy, you startled me.” He was hoping that Spike would have changed his mind and returned, but he didn’t think he’d be that lucky. “I didn’t hear you come in. I guess I uh…feel asleep. What did you need.”

“Oh Clem, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to startle you. I didn’t know you were here.”

“It’s, uh, it’s ok. You just,” Clem chucked in response, “snuck up on me is all.”

The slayer gave Clem a small apologetic smiled. “Oh, look what I did. I made you spill your snacks. I’m sorry.”

Clem shook his head no. “Nah, don’t worry about it.” He held up his arms to indicate the loose, floppy skin. “Like I need any more of this.” He joked, making situation a bit lighter. “Can I get you something. I was just about to mix up some Country time.”

“No, thank you.” Buffy smiled. “I’m actually looking for Spike. Do you know where he is?? I need to talk to him.”

Smiling, Clem thought, I knew she’d come to tell him. Damn it Spike. You should have just waited. The smile disappeared. “No, I don’t know where he is.” He hated lying to the slayer like this, especially when she deserved to know Spike had left town.

“Oh,” Buffy said sadly, knowing that Spike had made good on his word. With a weary sigh, she realized, she’d probably never see him again--the man that she loved. Yes, love, I love Spike. Hey that doesn’t sound so bad. Maybe I should trying saying aloud sometime. “If you see him, please tell him to stop by my house.”

“I sure will. I’m house-sitting.” Clem said excited as he accidentally let it out that Spike was gone. “A pad like this,” He looked around, “would surely be taken over by someone else in a few days. Plus, I…” He pointed to the TV, “I don’t have a TV.”

Sometimes Clem had a knack for saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. Buffy had to get out there. This place, brought back too memories of those times with Spike, and she couldn’t bear to be there any longer.

“You sure I can’t get you anything?” Clem asked again, breaking her reverie.

“No, I’m fine. Thank you.” Buffy said, blinking back tears. “I’m just…going to go back home.”

“Oh ok. Bye!” Clem waved as Buffy retreated.

On her walk back to Revello Drive, Buffy thought back to earlier in the evening: how she could have done things differently, maybe if she’d said “it”, things would be differently. Dismally, Buffy sighed, heading inside when and closed the door behind her. It was the worst day of her life.

While at the edge of town, Spike sat on his motorcycle, looking back over his shoulder at Sunnydale. “Things are definitely gonna change.” Spike put his helmet on and rode off into the night.