Chapter 1

I fall back onto my couch with a thud. I’m tired. I’m hungry. I want to watch my telly. I want to –

“What are you doing?”

I sigh. “I just got home. I need to – “

“We all need, Spike. Did you get it?”

I push myself off the couch and face her. “Yeah, I got it. You could ask nicely, you know.”

I hold the trinket out to her and she grabs it from me. I shake my head. She was so different now. It saddens me which also pisses me off that I care in the least.

“Be nice, sweetie. He risked life and limb.”

“Thanks, luv. I appreciate it.”

“You didn’t use this, did you?”

“Why would I, Red? Don’t even know what it’s for.”

Willow looks at me, skeptical, but nods. “Let’s go.”

“Hey, a thank you would be nice to hear.”

“I’ll thank you if this works.”

I focus on Tara. “What’s she up to, Glinda?”

“It’s nothing,” she lies and not very well.

“If we need any more of your help, I’ll ask.”

“Don’t bother. Won’t be taking any more orders from you,” I tell her.

“What if I can deactivate the chip?” Willow asks, an eyebrow cocked, knowing me all too well.

“That little thing can do that?”

“No, we can,” she answers, pointing to herself and to Tara. “You help us with anything else we need in regards to this,” she holds up the gold circle,” and I’ll help you with the chip.”

“Slayer wouldn’t like that, Red. And you know it.”

Willow looks at the ground before exhaling loudly. Tara’s hand goes to her back and she rubs her shoulder, trying to comfort her. She looks back up at me and the steely resolve I find in her eyes makes me uneasy.

“Well, the Slayer’s not around to really say anything about that, is she?”

She turns and walks out of the crypt, leaving Tara standing there.

“What’s she planning? Giles know?”

“It isn’t anything. We’re just looking – “

“Into?”

“What happens when you die going through a mystical field of energy?” Tara answers, quietly and unsure.

“Bloody hell. You witches just can’t leave well enough alone! Aren’t you against all that rot?”

“It’s a different circumstance,” Tara begins, watching me pace back and forth along the dirty cement floor.

I stop, start to say something and stop again, shaking my head furiously. “Whatever you twits are planning, unplan it. Leave the Slayer where she is, yeah?”

“Willow thinks…thinks she’s in hell. Suffering.”

I’m taken aback. The thought had never occurred to me. After all the good she did, wouldn’t she go where all the good people go? Why would she be left to the same fate as those she destroyed? It didn’t seem right. It didn’t seem fair. And right there was Buffy’s life in a nutshell.

“That gold circle going to tell you where she’s at then?”

“No, that’s…something else.”

I say nothing, just raise an eyebrow.

“It brings you places.”

“Places? It teleports you?”

“Well, yes but…”

“But? Spit it out!” I yell, entirely losing my patience. When she flinches, I feel a little guilty. She’d been nothing but kind to me and even stayed behind answering my questions, which none of them ever did. “Sorry, but it’s like pulling teeth with you.”

“Willow would flip out if I told you.”

“Do the others know?”

“No. We wanted to make sure before – “

“Before what, Tara?” I ask, my voice strong and demanding.

“The circle…it can bring you wherever you want.”

“Yeah, you said already.”

“Whenever you want.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sneaking into the Slayer’s home had always been easy. I can’t count how many times I’d done it. Especially when I was going through that issue. I sigh. I can admit the truth now. My obsession with her. That embarrassing mess I made. How badly I had handled the entire situation. I wish things had gone differently. That she didn’t find out the way that she did. That I hadn’t thought the cattle prod was a good idea. Or the chaining her to the ceiling. Or the adding of Drusilla to the situation. Wasn’t the smartest decision I ever made. I was a vamp consumed. Logical thought didn’t make a difference then.

Hell. Apparently doesn’t make a difference now either, since I find myself breaking in again, even after staying away for 32 days. Near 33. Couldn’t come within a yard of the place once she was…I’d meet Dawn on the sidewalk, the street, just so I wouldn’t have to go near it, much less go in. Never thought I’d be able to stomach it, being inside again. But here I am.

I can smell her from the street corner. I get dizzy standing in front of her house where she had passed a thousand times. And I am positively overwhelmed as I open the back door and quietly let myself in. I have to wait a moment, my back resting on the door, eyes closed, waiting for it to pass. Eventually I have to move. I know that. Just as I know the feeling will never go away. Her scent had always brought me to this, always shut me down. It was as much a fact of my unlife now as drinking blood and hating the sun. It was just a part of me. Nothing can be done.

I open my eyes and shake my head, clearing it as best as I can. I make my way into the living room, look around and see nothing. Other than that no one is making Dawn do her chores. I’d have to talk to her about that. I walk past the staircase – no need to go up there unless I have to – and into the dining room. This looks promising. I go to the end of the table where Willow’s laptop sits, along with loose papers and books. I skim what’s there and throw them back on the table, disappointed. They’re school things. No use to me at all.

I go back to the kitchen and take another deep breath, fighting through the smell of her to find something I can use. There it is. Sulfur. Matches. Candles. I turn around and find the door to the basement and open it carefully, knowing it squeaks, and make my way down the stairs.

I smile when I get to the foot of the stairs. Exactly what I’m looking for. There are charts and spells and more talismans than I ever care to be around at the same time. I see the open book with the gold circle on top of it and make my way over. Taking a step onto the rug, a loud alarm sounds and I throw my head back and growl.

Damn witches and their spells.

I grab the circle and the book, slipping my fingers between the pages to hold the place. I quickly look at the other crap she has lying around and I may have to come back for them but for now, I’ll take only what I need.

I can hear them coming. I didn’t want to do this. I wanted to bring it to Giles, to have him figure it all out before I went all frying pan fire but I don’t have much of a choice now. If Willow catches me, I’ll be dust or possibly worse with her track record.

I open the book and read it over, not finding anything significant. Not seeing a spell or anything that would help me get out of this situation. I can hear Willow yelling my name as she runs across the dining room floor above. I’d be offended that she just assumed it was me but I don’t have the time. I grasp the circle and hold it up to my face, trying to find something.

“Get me out of here, you stupid, bloody useless thing!”

“Spike! I’m going to kill you!” Willow yells as she opens the cellar door.

“Willow!” Tara calls after her. “Don’t do anything stupid.”

“Now would be good,” I whisper, feverishly.

I hear Willow say that she never trusted me and then I hear nothing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I land with a thud. I grimace in pain and curse. I stand and wipe myself off. I put the circle into my jeans pocket and look around. I know where I am instantly. It’s my home after all. I see the Alpert crypt and make my way over, only to stop suddenly.

There was that smell again. Her. Fresh. Close.

“Ahem.”

Too close.

I turn slowly, wanting to see her. Needing to see her. Dreading to see her. My eyes widen when I finally do.

“A vampire with a book. That can’t be good.”

I can’t say anything. I don’t know what to say. She looks so…young. Too young to be the Slayer and yet here she is with a stake at the ready.

“And knowing you, none of this can be of the good, you know?”

I continue to stare at her. She knows… knew, not too long ago, that I was never up to anything good.

“Why are you gawking at me? I’m more than prepared to go mano y mano with you tonight.”

“You sure about that, pet?” Thank Hell, I finally found my voice.

She turns red. “Don’t get cocky. I don’t need my axe-wielding mom to take you out this time.”

I smile. Good times.

“What’s funny?” she asks, her voice hostile, her hand raising the stake dangerously.

“I’d love to have a go with you, Slayer, but I have somewhere I need to be.”

“Not with a book old enough to make my Watcher drool.” She gestures to the tome in my hand. “Sorry, can’t let you.”

“Luv, you don’t have much of a choice. Even if I was up for it, you’re not ready yet.”

Buffy scrunches her forehead in confusion. “Huh?”

“There are plenty of years to do this. And we’ll have a good old time of it, I promise. But right now, I have something else to do.” I nod at her and turn on my heel.

“But – “

“Another time, pet!” I tell her, amusement filling my voice.

“Stop calling me that!”

I halt my steps and turn to look at her, now that there’s enough distance between me and her stake. “Tell me something, Slayer.”

“Okay?”

“How long ago was that little tête-à-tête with your mother?”

“You don’t remember?”

“Vampires have piss-poor memories.”

She purses her lips and looks annoyed. “That’s totally not true.”

“Angel must be boring you with stories from two hundred years ago,” I mutter under my breath. “Humor me.”

“Whatever. It was like a month ago.”

“Has Halloween happened yet?”

“No…it’s next week. Did you fall down and hit your head?” she says, her voice suddenly light and jovial as she twirls her stake. “’Cause I can help! Quick stake to the heart. Out of my misery.”

I try not to smile. I miss her so much. Even this Buffy that I don’t really know.

“Some other time, I promise.” I run away, avoiding any further discussion. I have to get to where I am going before she gets there. I have to try and reason with him. To explain how this all happens as best as I can.

I must get to Giles.

tbc...

Chapter 2

I walk through the halls of the high school, heading straight to the library. If there was one thing I had heard time and time again over the years, it was that Giles had always been at the library, much like he was always at the Magic Box.

I push open the double doors and make the decision that sneaking up wouldn’t be the best idea.

“Watcher! You in here?” I call, sounding as non-threatening as possible. I hear fumbling coming from the office and I make my way there stopping short when a cross meets my vision.

“What do you want?” Giles asks, his fear evident. He’s reaching behind him, unable to grasp what he’s searching for.

“To your right,” I tell him. Giles’s eyes open wide. “If it’ll make you more at ease to hear me out, the stake is to your right.”

Giles grabs it, holding it up.

I shake my head. “You know you can’t take me, old man. Never could. Let me just explain, alright?”

“You want to sit and have some tea?” Giles asks, his voice filled with sarcastic cheer.

I choose to ignore his tone, “A nice cuppa would be welcome right about now.”

“What the hell is going on here?” Giles asks, obviously even less at ease than when I first came in. I am not doing this right at all.

“No tea, then. Okay. How about a whiskey? Scotch? You always have something stashed away. Doubt it’s any different here and now.”

“I am not going to sit and have tea nor am I going to have a drink with you. I do know how to use this and I will die before I allow you to turn me or my Slayer into your filthy – “

I roll my eyes. “I forgot what an utter tight-ass you used to be.”

“Used to be?”

I smirk. Finally, an in. “Yeah, see, Watcher, I have these two things.” I hold up the book and the gold circle. “Book’s useless to me, probably not to you and this…well, this brought me here.”

“To the library?”

“No, to 1997.”

“And you’re not from 1997? It’s funny, really, because you look a lot like the vampire that tried to murder everyone on the night of the teacher conferences.”

“Well, yeah, I did. Then…now.” I groan. “Look, I’m here in 1997 as that Spike but me, I’m from 2001.”

“2001?”

“Yeah! And I stole this book from Red because she was planning on doing something with Buffy.”

Giles grows rigid at Buffy’s name. “What about Buffy?”

“I don’t know what I should tell you and what I shouldn’t.”

“Why don’t you start at the beginning while I get us that drink?”

I smile. “Ah, you old codger! I knew you’d have something here. Whatever it is, I’ll have lots. It’s been a hell of a – “

I feel the splash on my skin and then feel the burning. I lift my forearms to protect my face from the onslaught of holy water Giles is tossing at me.

“Fucking Christ, Watcher!”

“Don’t like that much, do you, demon? Well, how’s this?” Giles lifts his arms over his head, ready to hit me on my head with all his might. I know Giles is well aware that he would never be able to kill me without some help and as Buffy is on the hunt, he’s left to his own devices. And his current device is a ghastly looking statue that I can only guess he’s currently researching. Hopefully, knocking a vampire unconscious with it won’t end the world.

As Giles brings it down with all the force he can muster, I lift my arm up, skin still smoking from Giles’ first assault.

“Will you knock it off?” I push the statue away, sending Giles to the floor. “I’m not here to kill you…or turn you for that matter. Don’t fancy having you around for the next hundred years, lecturing me or looking at me like I ate your puppy.”

“I – “

“Look, I just need your brain, alright? I can see how this is all bogged up but I have once again done something rash and now I’m stuck here and I need to get back to there to talk to you.” At Giles’s confused look, I clarify. “2001, you. Not you you. Oh, bloody hell, my head is going to explode.”

“We could hope.”

“There’s the Watcher I know.” I look around the room and see a bottle of water. “Is this water?”

“What does it look like?”

“Unblessed?” Giles waits a beat before nodding. I open it, spilling the water over my hands and splashing it on my face. “That stings like a whip. I hope you didn’t mar my good looks. Lucky for you, I’ll be good as new in a couple of hours…if I had some blood.”

Giles widens his eyes and I can’t help chuckling. I have to admit that I miss this. This power I used to have. I’d be lying if I said it didn’t make my demon sing a little.

“I don’t drink from humans anymore. Can’t. Too complicated to get into. Does Angel stash blood here?”

“No…,” Giles answers, clearly uncomfortable with this discussion. “Does he?”

“Now? No, he’s not around.” I catch the small smile that crossed Giles’ lips. “Ah, I always knew you weren’t thrilled about the two of them. Why the lot of you gave me such a hard time after everything he did still makes me want to – “

I stop talking. I should shut up. It’s always been a problem.

I spot Giles’ scarf and use it to dry off, much to Giles’ annoyance.

“When you say you can’t feed off humans anymore, you mean you have a soul?”

My mouth drops open and I almost gag. “I’ll leave that to Peaches, thanks much. Let’s just leave it as I can’t.”

“But you want to?”

“Hell, Watcher, Angel wants to – we’re vampires. It’s what we do. There’s no stopping the want and need but we get around it. Now, look – “

“Angel’s soul keeps him in line. What keeps you?”

“First off, Angel’s soul…that’s a fine line. You’ll learn that soon enough. Don’t get all wide-eyed and surprised, Rupert. It’s not like you don’t worry about it every day.”

“You know my first name?”

“We run in the same circles.”

“And Angel’s soul?”

“I’m fairly certain this is one of those space time continuum things that I’ve seen in Xander’s comics. I don’t want to interfere with the way things are supposed to go. I just want to get back to where I came from.”

“How’d you get here?”

“It’s a good question, mate. Short of wishing really hard, I’m not too sure.” Off of Giles’s unasked question, I explain further. “I was stealing this,” I hold up the circle, “from Willow. She was trying to do some mojo that I didn’t exactly approve of. I was going to get caught and I needed to get out of there. One second I’m there, next it’s a rough landing in the cemetery.”

“May I?” Giles asks, holding out his hand, but staying on the floor. I wonder if I should just turn it over to Giles so easily. It’s my only way to get back to where I want to go. I don’t know if Giles is just toying with me again. I study the man and see that, even if he doesn’t believe everything I was telling him, he was always one to research.

I hand the piece to Giles who starts muttering under his breath.

“You said Willow was going to use magic on this?”

“Well, she was either using it with a spell or she was using this on its own. I don’t know. I didn’t get that far with Tara.”

“Tara?”

“Uh, friend. Later. In college.”

“Buffy gets to college?” Giles asks and the way his eyes light up with pride makes me kick myself. “Right, you won’t tell me. I understand. I’ve heard about the repercussions of this kind of thing.” He sighs. “I must admit, I think this whole thing a bit odd but this is the Hellmouth and stranger things have happened, I suppose. This isn’t a trick to get to the Slayer?”

I laugh. “Even when I wanted her dead, I was never that ambitious to go back in time to do it.”

“You don’t want her dead in your time?” His surprise is evident and he shakes his head, chastising himself. “I know, I know. You can’t tell me. Who would have thought that the idea of knowing one’s future would be so intriguing? I’ve never been one to think on such things – “

When he stops mid-sentence, I stiffen. “What?”

“Are you kidding me?”

I smirk and turn to look at her. I hadn’t noticed how short her skirt was before or how high her heels. How did she kill things in those outfits? She was so…girly then. Now. I lift my hand to my temple. I can’t keep doing this to my brain.

“Buffy, before you jump to – “ Giles begins but Buffy is already punching me in the nose before he can finish his sentence.

“What in the hell was that for, Slayer? I didn’t do anything!”

“You exist! Reason enough if you ask me. Plus, you’re about to eat my Watcher,” Buffy looks at Giles, “right?”

“Actually, as I was saying before you acted the way you always do, Spike is from the future.”

“Jeez, you vamps will stop at nothing to get me dead. The future? Really?” She looks at me. “Did you dope him?”

“No, he did not. Now listen to me, Buffy, there are things we need to do and you can’t be here for them.”

“I am not leaving you alone with a killer, Giles. Duh.”

“I’m not going to kill him,” I say, uselessly, as the two are just beginning to argue.

“Buffy, as your Watcher, I am telling you to go home for the night and I will take care of this issue.”

“And as the Slayer, I’m telling you that’s a no go. Deal.”

“You are the most insolent – “

“If I could cut in,” I interrupt. “I don’t have time for this, okay? I need to get back to 2001 and I need to get back now. Before Willow does something that she shouldn’t be doing or she tries to find me and this whole past thing gets even more fucked up – “

“Language,” Giles admonishes under his breath.

“Than they are right now,” I finish loudly, to get their attention. “Just interacting with you two is probably damaging – “

“You can say that again,” Buffy quips.

“Buffy,” Giles warns and she rolls her eyes in response.

“Fine, fine,” she says, holding up her hands, before crossing her arms across her chest and leaning against the wall. The look on her face tells of the Buffy she’ll become. My Buffy. The sudden pang of loss that hits me is more than I can take and I have to look away from her. She’s been gone 33 days and I know I’m not dealing with it properly. But now isn’t the time.

“There’s a companion to this book,” Giles says, a little bit of excitement in his voice. “I’ll be right back.”

“You’ve probably made his night.”

“Well, there are just some things that will always be, right?”

“So, what’s going on in four years?” Buffy asks as nonchalantly as she can.

“Many, many things,” I answer, sighing. I don’t want to talk about this.

“You said Willow is planning on doing something bad?”

“I never said bad.”

“But not great, right? I mean, all this is happening for a reason so…”

“So?”

“Is my sweet, shy best friend evil? Because that would totally be my luck.”

“She’s not evil.”

“What is she trying to do?”

“That is definitely something I can’t tell you.”

“Because it’s about me,” she states, simply and quietly.

I look at her, surprised. I never thought she was dumb. She was always keeping me on my toes and she could really think quickly in the moment, which I respected. But I didn’t expect her to suss out that she would be the cause of what’s happening here. I’ll have to be even more cryptic which is already proving to be a task.

“I guess it’s cool that I get another four years,” she whispers and I thought the pang I felt a few moments ago would be the worst of it.

“I think I have it!” Giles exclaims, coming back into his office. He doesn’t notice the quietness of the room and Buffy quickly turns her somber attitude around.

“What is it?” she asks, joining me and Giles at the desk.

“It’s Behnri’s Circle. Igor Behnri lived over two centuries ago and it was rumored that he possessed the ability to bend time and space through sheer will. This isn’t a talisman, at least not in the sense that we know the word. It was a custom to fashion a piece of jewelry that represented the child and his standing in society. Behnri’s family was wealthy but small, Igor being the only child his parents had. The charm is blessed by the town’s shaman and worn until death, where it was either passed onto his child or, if he had none, buried with him.”

“Did he have any kids?” Buffy asks.

“No, it says here that Igor never married.”

“So someone dug him up? Classy.” Buffy makes a face. “I long for the days when I’m not involved with anyone digging up dead people and their stuff.”

I look at her quickly and find her looking at me, waiting for a reaction. Whatever she sees there makes her frown. I wish I could say something that might make her feel a little better but I’m not particularly good at comforting 2001 Buffy, much less this 16-year old version of her.

“No, I don’t believe it was ever buried with him, actually,” Giles tells us.

“Didn’t you just say – “

Giles shoots her a look. “Please allow me to finish.”

“Well, you just take sooooo long, Giles. Even the vampire is aging as we wait for you to reach the probably not at all exciting conclusion.”

I can’t help but laugh. I wonder what it would have been like to know her in this time. Our truce didn’t let me see this part of her. It didn’t offer me the opportunity to see her with Giles in a different way than they are now. Were, I correct myself. She didn’t carry that weight she acquired after Angel, Dawn…and her mom.

Giles sighs heavily but continues, “There’s no account of his death.”

“But he had to have died, right?” Buffy asks.

“Did he?” I counter. “If the little bugger didn’t kick it…”

“Perhaps he’s in 2001,” Giles finishes. “Where did Willow get this?”

“She didn’t, I did. It wasn’t easy, let me tell you.” Giles and Buffy look at me, expectantly. “Oh, right. There were some demons, a pit of lava, a stake wall…”

“How very Indiana Jones of you,” Buffy comments, kind of impressed.

“You did this because you’re all good friends now?” Giles asks, clearly confused.

“Oh, no. I did it for the cash,” I answer a little too quickly. “And, of course, to help.”

Buffy rolls her eyes. “I knew we’d never be friends. You’re too…too…”

“Evil?” Giles offers.

“Well, yeah, but…and hey! Angel kind of hates your guts so I don’t think we’re all hanging around the cemetery.”

I snort. Angel hates me? Oh, she had no idea. She was so sweetly clueless about my relationship with Angel. I forgot that at this point in time, Angel was still the big hero. All mystery and a little danger and true love to the end. Bunch of bollocks that all was. It’s positively killing me not to yell out, “He goes to the dark side, people! He snaps your girlfriend like a twig, Watcher! He tries to break you, Buffy” and yet I don’t because I know I can’t.

“I went through all that and then there it was. Just hanging in the middle of the room, waiting for someone to come and pluck it from its place.”

“Without worrying about the consequences,” Giles mutters.

“Hey, I didn’t know what it was or what Willow planned on doing with it. She told me they, meaning you lot, had to get it before the bad guys did and it was the end of the world. Again.”

“Lots of apocalypses?” Buffy asks, a glint in her eye that makes me want to smile.

“Too many one might say.” I grab the circle from Giles. “So you’re telling me this Behnri character could just think of a place he wanted to go and he went there?”

“It seems that way. He must have imbued the circle with his gift somehow.”

“Let’s get something straight. I never wanted to come here. I just wanted to get out of the Slayer’s basement before Willow magically turned me to dust.”

“You were in my basement?”

“Willow can turn you to dust without a stake?”

I huff, wishing I knew when to stop talking. “Not important, alright. This is important. Focus.”

“There has to be something here that made you want to come back,” Giles reasons. “Something must have happened around this time…”

I concentrate, trying hard to remember every detail of my first year in good old Sunnyhell. I shake my head. “I’m telling you, there isn’t anything here that I want to see again. I got enough the first time around.”

“Maybe you’re here to warn us about some upcoming danger,” Giles suggests.

I narrow my eyes. “I’m not saying a word about anything so you can stop fishing.”

“I believe subconsciously, there is a reason that you came back here. To this year. To this time.”

“You asked me about Halloween. What happens?” Buffy asks.

I wonder if I should tell them anything and coming to the conclusion that it isn’t anything that could drastically change the future, I decide to give them an overview of events. “You lot turn into your costumes. I try to kill you. Spell’s broken. The end.”

“The spell’s broken because you try to eat me?” Buffy turns red. “Er, kill me?”

“One minute you’re this helpless girl from the 17th century with long brown hair and the next, your wig is in my hand and you’re beating me up.”

“I beat you up?” she asks, her voice filled with excitement. “Yay, something to look forward to!”

“Maybe you’re not supposed to be anything for Halloween this year,” Giles offers.

“No, Xander’s an army boy and he learns a lot so you have to make sure he keeps with that.”

“What does Giles dress up as?” She giggles and my heart breaks. Can’t remember the last time I heard her giggle.

“Yes, very funny, Buffy.” Giles removes his glasses and rubs his eyes. “This is maddening.”

“Maybe it’s not right now,” Buffy says. “Maybe it’s something in the future? But you had to come back here so there would be enough time to convince us?”

I think about that. It’s possible. Might have wanted to come back to before Buffy crippled me, before Angelus returned. Ultimately, though, I knew that wasn’t true.

“Believe me, there are things I’d kill to change but things happen for a reason.”

“Exactly. So why are you here?” Buffy argued. “I mean, maybe there’s something that happens that doesn’t exactly have to happen the way that it does.”

“There isn’t anything. Things happen. People get hurt, people die, lots of things change but it all has to happen and they have to go down the way that I know it does,” I insist, not noticing the look that Buffy and Giles exchange.

“Buffy,” Giles takes a piece of paper and writes on it, “will you get this book for me?”

She grabs the bit of paper, her displeasure evident, but leaves not saying anything.

“I want you tell me,” Giles demands.

I hold up my hands. “I can’t. I don’t think – “

“How bad is it?” Giles tries instead.

I don’t even bother to think about it. “Bad. For all of you.” I pause. “But especially you and the Slayer.”

Giles closes his eyes and slumps back in his chair. “Angel.”

I don’t say anything which is confirmation enough for Giles.

“Right then,” Giles stands and grabs a bag full of weapons. “We kill him before he kills us.”

“As appealing as that scenario is, not going to happen. It’s a complicated situation but trust me when I say that you want Angel alive come next year.”

“Oh, Lord, what happens next year?” Giles asks, weary.

“From what I’ve heard, quite a lot.”

“Can I ask something else?”

“Has it stopped you so far?”

Giles smiles slightly. He looks at the door and not seeing Buffy, asks, “Are you in love with her?”

I know my surprised reaction gives me away and I’m damned to try and convince Giles otherwise. Instead I nod and sit on the edge of the Watcher’s desk.

“And she with you?”

I laugh. “Absolutely not. You all hate me and she…she still sees me as a monster.” I shrug. “Maybe not before…” I stop and look at Giles, who is studying me with such great intensity it makes me squirm.

“How does this keep happening?” Giles wonders aloud, not expecting an answer.

I don’t need to think about that at all. “She’s Buffy.”

tbc...

Chapter 3


We’re waiting in the cemetery. Buffy stands with her arms crossed, tapping her platform wearing foot. I can tell she’s wishing that she had left when Giles had told her to because now she was stuck with me, trying to find what Giles called a “hot spot”. I wonder where Angel is. Maybe he’s on one of his soul sojourns that must be the most exciting thing in the world to witness. I can see that she is thinking about something. And I’m sure it isn’t where the hot spot will pop up.

“What’s wrong?” I ask, stopping in front of her, knowing my concern is evident.

“What? Nothing. I’m fine.”

“That is not your ‘I’m fine’ face.”

She purses her lips. “Oh. Right. You know me so well.”

“I know your looks, yeah, and that’s an ‘on the verge’ look.”

“Of taking this stake and shoving it someplace, yeah, I’m on the verge of that.”

“You could talk to me, if you want,” I venture. I may never have this opportunity again.

“What am I going to do? Ask you for advice on things you already know…happen.” Her face lights up. “You could totally tell me everything! I know you said you’re not supposed to but what if I don’t do anything to stop it. What if I just know so I’m…better prepared? Wouldn’t you want me to be better prepared?”

It’s my turn to make a face. I won’t be so easily played. “I don’t think it would be possible to continue on with the way things are supposed to happen knowing how they happen. Get me?”

“You could tell me something small.”

“No, I couldn’t.”

“You could tell me about…school!”

I look at her, clearly knowing she could care less about school, but playing along anyway. “You really do something special for graduation.”

She smiles. “I can’t wait.”

“Wish I’d been there for that, actually. It sounded like a good tussle.”

“Why weren’t you here?”

“I leave for a while.”

“If I ever leave, I’m never coming back. Why would you?”

I look at her, not saying anything because what can I say? I come back to try and kill you? I come back because Dru was right in South America? That I’ve loved you from the moment I saw you dancing at the Bronze four years before…or 2 months before for you? I can’t say any of these things and so I say nothing at all.

“What happens with Angel?”

“Oh, absolutely not.”

“Oh my god, he dies!” she yells, horrified, tears springing to her eyes.

“Calm down! He doesn’t die. Unfortunately, he’s still undead and kicking.”

She lets out a deep breath. “Good. I don’t think I could handle that.”

“You do well enough without him, Slayer. You keep that in mind, yeah?”

I can see that she obviously doesn’t like the idea of that and I know I have to try and remember to talk to this Buffy like she’s this Buffy and not my Buffy. This girl loves Angel, would do anything for him…and will be completely devastated in two short months.

“Did you and Giles talk about Angel?” she presses.

“Leave it, would you? I know I’ve already mucked some things up because I don’t know when to quit talking. But I’m not telling you another sodding thing so stop.”

“I heard, you know.”

I panic, trying to think of what I said to Giles, if it would be anything too damaging. But I can’t think of a thing. Except…bugger.

“Oh,” I sigh. “You were supposed to be looking for a book.”

“Yeah, right. Like that was going to happen while I knew you were going to spill the dish.”

“How much did you hear?” I ask, cautiously.

“Mostly all. What happens with Angel?”

“I can’t, Buffy.”

“But if you…love me…like you say you do – “ she starts before stopping when she sees me shaking my head.

“It’s because of all these things, Slayer. It’s the woman you become. Do you understand?”

She nods. “But maybe it would be better – “

“There is no better,” I say, quietly. “You can be a real pain in my ass but it’s the way that things are supposed to be. It’s the way things will be. And I can get back to – “

“You seem to be in quite a hurry to go back to a time that I’m no longer in.”

Damn her.

“I never said you weren’t there.”

“My best friend, who wouldn’t hurt a fly, is doing something that makes a vampire nervous? I’m sorry, and this may seem a little egotistical, but she would only do something like that for two reasons: me or Xander.”

I sigh. “Normally, I don’t give a damn about these things but if I say something here and it changes something for you – any of you – later on and I don’t get to know you the way I do in my time…”

Buffy nods, somehow understanding exactly what I am talking about. “Is it me or does this whole thing make your head just want to explode?”

I laugh, nodding in agreement. “So you understand?”

“Yeah, I understand,” Buffy tells me, her voice quiet.

We stand there, neither saying anything. I don’t want to talk because eventually I know I will get into trouble and I figure she won’t talk without wanting to press me for answers about her future.

I notice her tense and stand up straighter, getting into her fight stance, waiting. I’m not noticing what she is so I close my eyes and adjust to it. I really have to get out of here. It’s occupying my mind too much. I am off my game.

“Do you feel that?”

“Heat?” I respond and she nods. “Suppose that would be a hot spot.”

“But where? I don’t want to get sucked in with you.”

“I don’t think that will happen.”

“But you don’t know that for a fact,” she states, backing away from me to be sure.

I can feel a tingle start at my toes and work its way up. I had been so focused the last time that I hadn’t noticed the signs before.

“Look, Slayer, before I go – “

“Yeah?”

“Know that everything works itself out.”

“What do you mean?”

“Just…don’t let yourself get too into the bell jar, alright?” I sigh, not knowing if she has any idea what I’m talking about. “You’re the strongest woman I know. You remember that.”

The last thing I hear her say is “okay” and I’m gone.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I, once again, land with a thud. I wish they would make the entry a little nicer. I stand, my legs a little shaky from the trip and look around. Definitely not in the cemetery and I wish a big sign popped up saying “Now entering 2001” so I could be sure but that would be too easy.

It doesn’t take me long to realize where I am. The grounds of the high school. A high school that still stands. I groan. I didn’t quite make it to where I wanted to go. I don’t understand. If Giles was right, I want nothing more than to get back to my time, so that should have worked.

I figure I have no choice but to go back to the library and talk to Giles and try to figure this out before I attempt it again. I make my way across the lawn so caught up in my own thoughts I don’t hear her running at me until it’s too late and she’s tackled me to the ground, the point of her stake digging into my chest.

“Didn’t I cripple you?” she asks, her voice hard.

I frown. I didn’t get very far. “Yeah, luv, you did and I am but I’m not…”

“Damn it,” she yells. “I thought I was done with you!”

“Believe me, so did I.”

She punches me in the jaw so hard my head swings to left before she punches me again, forcing it to go back to where it was.

“Ow,” I say. “Feel better?”

“Not at all! You could have told me! You could have warned me!” She throws her stake to the ground and grabs my t-shirt, lifting my back off the ground. “You should have. I should have known!”

“I don’t know how many times I can tell you that I couldn’t, Slayer. There’s no discussion here.”

“He killed Giles’ girlfriend!”

“I know,” I say, softly.

“And what are you doing? Just sitting around in your wheelchair, not helping, not doing anything!” She pushes me back to the ground and stands up, pacing angrily.

“What do you want me to do, Buffy? I’m not who I am now…here.” Off her confused look, I growl in frustration. “You know what I’m saying. That Spike…he still wants you dead.”

“Great,” Buffy comments sarcastically. “That’s really comforting.”

“But he hates Angelus.”

“Yeah?”

“That’ll get him into action. Trust me on that.”

“And what do I do in the meantime? Just hope he doesn’t kill any more people I love? That he doesn’t get my mom? Or Giles? My friends?”

“I know it’s hard – “

“It doesn’t have to be.”

I push off the ground and grab her upper arms and make her look at me. “I’m only going to say this one more time, Slayer, so open the ears and listen up. Most of the time, I’m a fairly selfish prat and I would bloody well love telling you everything in order to get you where I’ve always wanted to because I think I easily could – “

“Oh, please, “ Buffy huffs, rolling her eyes. “Wait, did you say always?”

It’s my turn to roll my eyes. Now isn’t the time for this. “I’m trying to be noble and it’s not something that comes real easy. I’m not bloody Angel, knight in shining soul armor. This isn’t the position I want to be in because I want to tell you, pet, I want to tell you everything so you’re safe and fine and with me…”

I let go of her, knowing I’ve said too much. Knowing I’ve shown way too much of my hand. She doesn’t say anything but extends her hand and pats me on my upper arm. I look at her, confused and she shrugs.

“I’m sorry.”

My eyes widen and I choke on a laugh. “You’re what?”

“I’m…sorry, okay? I get it.”

“That’s what you said about ten minutes ago when I left you before.”

“Well, I guess I have a better understanding of where you’re coming from now.”

I nod and I suppose that’s true. I’m sure at this point in it all, even with the Watcher’s dead girl, she’d still do anything to get her Angel back.

“If it helps, Slayer, it’ll get easier.”

“Having to kill people you love?”

“There’s that, yeah,” I agree, “but I was thinking more along the lines of the pain.”

“How old are you?”

“Now? A young and handsome one hundred and twenty-seven. Why?”

“You’ve probably lost a lot of people over that time, not counting the ones you’ve eaten.”

I laugh. “Sure.”

“And you’re still standing.”

“Sure am.”

“Well, there’s no way a vampire can do it and I can’t. I’ll just have to get tougher.”

“You’re pretty tough. Don’t do that. Don’t doubt yourself.”

“Why am I talking to you about this stuff?”

“Because I’m here?” I shrug. “I don’t mind.”

“Maybe I do. I don’t exactly like vampires.”

“You liked Angel well enough,” I say and I know I sound like a jealous prat but I don’t care.

She glares at me but for once she doesn’t hit me, which I have to admit makes me a little sad.

“Do you want to see Giles again?” she asks.

“Was planning on it. Not sure he’s going to want to see me.”

“He’s doing better.” She pauses. “He’s doing as well as he can.”

“You go in first and tell him. I remember his attack on Angelus. It wasn’t pretty and I don’t want to be in the line of any swinging fire bats.”

She nods and we start walking towards the school and I notice that her breath is hitching and her heart rate has sped up and she’s nervous and I don’t know why.

“Something up?”

“I want you to tell me one thing.”

“Slayer – “

She stops and grabs my arm, forcing me to look at her, pure determination in her eyes. I stop protesting.

“He doesn’t get my mom, right? You have to tell me if he does, Spike. You have to. He came after her…he drew pictures…”

“I promise you, he doesn’t. As long as you just keep doing what you’re supposed to be doing, she’ll be just fine.”

She smiles, slight and sad and lets go of my arm which I find unfortunate. She looks at me and says nothing else and starts to walk in front of me and I feel suddenly hot again and I don’t have time to say anything.

Chapter 4

I can’t really explain how it feels. It’s like I’m on fire and then suddenly I’m shot out of a cannon. It’s not a pleasant experience. This Behnri character has a thing coming to him if we ever meet up.

As I stand up within some bushes, wiping the dirt from my hands onto my jeans, I can hear muffled voices arguing behind me. Voices that are too damn familiar. I groan, not understanding why I can’t get the hell out of this year. I wasn’t even all that evil then, crippled half the time, even joined forces with the bloody Slayer to take down the big bad. I have nothing to feel guilty about, nothing to correct. Everything went pretty well back here I’d say, relatively speaking of course.

The door slams and I duck down watching as the old me struts down the Summers’ walkway, cursing under his breath and searching for his smokes. When the other me is far enough away, I get out of the bushes and go around to the backyard, knowing it’s better to stick to the shadows, especially with previous me out of that blasted chair and walking about.

I can hear Buffy and her mother arguing as I stand near the back porch. I’ll admit, I always wondered how this conversation went after I left. From what I can hear – and I can hear pretty much everything due to the yelling – it didn’t go very well. Not at all.

With a tiny creak, the back door opens and I hide behind the big oak, watching Buffy linger in the doorway. Joyce’s voice is clear as she tells Buffy she can never come back, there’s a silence between them as Buffy takes in what her mother’s said, her faced filled with sadness and resolve. Without a word Buffy turns and leaves, not closing the door behind her. I want to say something to her, to reach out and get a hold of her, tell her it all works out for the best in the end but for once, I hold my tongue and watch her walk by, flinching as her mother slams the door closed.

I trail behind her, darting to hide when it appears she’s sensed me. She’s just too bloody good and it’s annoying to have to find someplace to go every single time she stops.

“I don’t have time for this,” she says plainly, turning to look in my direction, “I have your boss to kill.”

Apparently, she’s tired of it, too. Just as well, really.

I slowly step out from behind some random building and raise my hands before realizing how utterly lame I look. I lower them quickly but not before I see her roll her eyes at me.

“2001 Spike?”

I smile and nod. “Yeah.”

“Great. Whatever. I don’t have time – “

“I know…I heard.” I nod my head back towards her house and she purses her lips.

“I’m not talking about that.”

“Didn’t ask you to.”

“Why are you here?”

“Isn’t that the question of the year?”

“Which year?”

“Funny, luv.”

“Look, I actually would rather do this with you but I have an elsewhere to be so…”

“No problem. I’ll just wait around until it takes me again.”

“Why don’t you just come with me to the library? Keep me company.” She turns and walks away, not waiting for me to answer which is just so damn typical of her. Like I just follow her everywhere.

Alright, I know I do but she shouldn’t know I do. It’s the assumption that gets me.

“I figure if I ask you what happens, you won’t tell me anyway so I won’t bother either of us with that whole thing,” she says as I catch up to her.

“Who said you weren’t quick?”

She looks at me, eyebrow cocked but she smiles slightly, despite everything and I’ll admit I’m proud of myself for getting it.

“I have to get – “

“The sword, yeah. Been there, done that, remember?”

“But you obviously go back on your deal because ‘hi’, here you are.”

“What can I say? I couldn’t stay away from good old Sunnyhell. Too many fond memories.”

“Really?” Buffy asks, not sure to believe me or not.

“Not in the slightest,” I pause before saying, “But I get some eventually so…”

“With me?” she asks, her eyes widening and a bit of panic in her voice that makes me frown.

“No, not with you.”

“Oh…good. Vampires bad. It’s my new motto.”

“Shouldn’t it already be – “

“Shut it.”

I do.

“I’m scared,” she tells me so quietly that if I weren’t a vampire, I wouldn’t have heard it. “You tell anyone, I’ll stake you.”

“Never,” I promise, making a mark over my heart.

We arrive at the school and she puts her hand on my arm to stop me. I see what she sees and before I can ask her what I can do to help, she’s off – kicking and staking her way through a large group of vamps. I wonder if I should jump in, not because she needs it but because I do. The only thing stopping me is not knowing if it will screw with the space time continuum.

Never figured a Back to the Future marathon would come in so handy. Or, hell, even Xander be more helpful than Rupert right now.

“Spike?”

I turn to see one of Angel’s dim-witted lackeys, of which there are several due to Angel’s need to always be the sharpest tool in the shed. It takes Idiot Minion Number One a moment but he finally notices I’m no longer on wheels, “Does Angel know your walking?”

“No,” I answer slowly. “He’s not here, is he?”

He laughs a little, almost embarrassed. “He’s with…Dru.”

My jaw clenches involuntarily and I hold up a finger, telling him wordlessly to wait where he is. He’s stupid enough to nod and agree.

I go to where Buffy is just finishing her fight, looking back to be sure Genius is following orders. He pumps his fist at me which I can only suss out is support of me offing the Slayer. Git.

“Give me your stake,” I demand.

“I’ll just do it,” Buffy says and moves towards the guy I obviously want to kill. She’s always done things like this. I could throttle her.

“Slayer, could you for once not make me want to snap your neck and just give me the fucking stake?”

She stops short and cocks her head. “What?”

“Yeah, you heard me. I think there’s a lot of misunderstanding here between the two of us. Along the lines that I’m a sad sack just trying to find my way back but let’s not forget who I am. So just give me the stake and I can kill this guy and you go and get your sword.”

She twirls the stake in her hand. “This stake?”

“Slayer – “

“Don’t swear at me.”

“Don’t piss me off and I won’t offend your delicate sensibilities.”

“Fine. Another deal that you will undoubtedly break within the next two minutes, I’m sure,” she says as she hands me her weapon.

“See how easy it is just to be friendly and go – “

“Speaking of going? Your vamp? The one I could have killed at the beginning of this convo is high tailing it out of here.” She points to where the little bugger is running. “So why don’t you go kill him and I’ll get my sword?”

My teeth bite the inside of my lip so hard, I can taste the blood. I say nothing and take off after him while Buffy runs in the other direction, towards the school.

“Hey! Don’t you understand what wait means?” I yell.

“There’s something going on!” he hollers nervously over his shoulder, and I swear he’s picked up his pace. I’m still a little on edge and completely out of whack from continually being sucked into different times of the same bloody year that I’m not exactly capable of full speed.

“Why aren’t you killing the Slayer?” he shouts back at me.

“I’m not getting Angelus mad at me for killing his girl. Now, would you hold up! It’s all part of the plan.”

He stops, thank hell.

“It is?”

“Yes.”

“Good.”

“Eh, not so much.” I grab him by the shoulder. “Our plan, not his,” I say with a smirk before running the wooden stake through his heart.

One less thing to deal with.

I brush what’s left of him off my coat and make my way to the school to get Buffy. I know Giles isn’t there so he can’t help me. Not that he did the last time I saw him.

To be honest, it’s not even the jumping around that’s annoying me. It’s the why. Why now? What purpose does it serve? It would be understandable if I went back to before Buffy jumped…before Glory arrived… warned her, explained everything so she could get them all out. Maybe even help Joyce before it was too late. But here? With Angelus? It doesn’t make any sense. I can’t do anything here. Well, I can, but I haven’t got the faintest idea what will happen there if I try to fix things here.

I see her making her way towards me, holding a sword that is almost as tall as she is. She looks even less happy than when she left before.

“Everything alright, pet?”

“I just got expelled.”

“Oh.”

“I literally have nowhere to go. How am I supposed to…” She sighs, heavily and ragged. “My mom, my school, my Watcher - who is hopefully not too damaged - my friends. They’re all either broken or in the hospital…I…I don’t know how – “

“’Course you do.”

She glares at me. “I’m not asking for your advice.”

“I’m here so I’m going to give it.”

“I don’t have to listen,” she tells me before walking quickly past me. It takes me no time to catch up to her. “Take a hint, Spike. Go away.”

“Look, Slayer, I get that everything seems like it’s the end of the world – “

“It will be if I don’t finish this.”

“And you will.”

“At what cost, Spike? I’ve lost everything.”

“You obviously get it all back.” I can’t not tell her that. If she were seeing things clearly, I wouldn’t have to say it.

“How?”

“I don’t know, luv. I really don’t. We don’t see each other again for a while. And we’re not exactly chummy when I come back to stay.”

“Future you seems pretty friendly.”

“We’re not as hostile as we once were,” I correct her. “You have a rough go of it but you’re the Slayer, Buffy. Do you know what that means?”

“Uh, yeah. Duh.”

“No, really. Do you know what you are capable of? The power you possess?”

“I’m strong, I get it.”

“I’m not talking about your physical strength. Hell, I’m not even talking about the things you do to get through. It takes you some time but you get it, eventually. You know what it means to be this. To know your calling. And I’m sure it’s hard to believe right now but – “

“I have to kill him.”

I don’t say anything. Can’t.

“There was this guy at Giles’. He told me that in the end, I’m always alone. That was the whole point.”

“First, he’s a ponce. Don’t listen to that.”

“So, it’s not true? Because he seemed pretty adamant about it.”

“Aren’t we all alone in the end?’

“Is this going to be some kind of philosophical conversation? Because I’d rather not.”

I roll my eyes at her. “Fine, yes, you are alone in the end. You’re – “

“Not helping.”

“Not finished. You’re the Slayer. Being alone comes with that. There are only so many fights that your friends can help you with.”

“So, he’s right.”

“In his way, yeah. But, listen, pet, you and your friends…you take down everything you come against. And you do that because you have them. Not because you’re alone. And, besides, you always know when it’s your time and when you need them. It takes a while but you get it.”

She nods and I can’t tell if it’s helped her or not. The only thing I can think to do is to tell her it’s going to be okay and hope that I don’t royally bugger everything up.

“I should go talk to him.”

“Who is this guy?”

“He said his name is Whistler. Do you know him?”

“Heard of him. Don’t know much.” I don’t tell her that I knew he was the reason Angel came to Sunnydale in the first place. If he has information that will save her and help her fight gel boy, I’m not going to tell her something that could make her lose focus of that.

She shrugs. “I think he may be able to help me with this.” She holds up the sword. “I’m just going to…”

I nod and look around, seeing that we’re fairly close to Giles’s apartment. We both stand there, not saying anything and I wonder if this could be the last time I see her. I don’t want it to be, to go back to a place where she isn’t.

Not wanting to be the first to leave I wait for her to walk away. She doesn’t.

“Slayer?”

She holds out her hand to me and looks me straight in the eye. “Thank you.”

I take her hand and I hold it for as long as I can, not wanting her to pull away from me. I find myself again and say, “You’re welcome. It was a plea – “

I don’t even realize my time with her is over until I no longer feel her warm hand in mine.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Where in the hell am I? I’ve been to some seedy places in my lifetime but this is not one I can recollect. I can see I’m in a hallway so grimy and worn down, no amount of paint or tlc will do it any good, they might as well demo it. As I get to my feet, I’m careful not to put my hand on the carpet. Dead or not, I don’t want to think about what’s living in the fibers.

When my head finally clears, I feel her. Buffy. What is she doing here? In this place of all places? I walk to the door and focus, trying to hear her on the other side, over the noise of the city…a city too busy and loud for Sunnydale. There’s some rustling, a can opening, and the smell of something not at all appetizing. She’s calm, a little too calm for all the noise and craziness outside the windows. Her heartbeat is normal, her breathing steady and I’m worried. Obviously, she’s not in danger but even when she isn’t on the hunt, her pulse always runs a little quicker than most. Or it did. Probably because she was always at the ready, always expecting something. And now, she’s too…neutral.

I knock. I have to.

“One minute.” Her voice is so soft, too sad. Her heart speeds up a bit as she nears the door and she must at least sense there’s a vampire waiting on the other side. When she opens the door and looks at me, her surprise evident.

“Spike?”

“Where the hell is your weapon?”

“What?” She shakes her head, her brow furrowing.

“Weapon, Slayer. You just answer the door with nothing? In this place? At night?”

“Don’t call me that.”

I look at her, my turn to look confused.

“Slayer. Don’t call me that. I quit.”

My mouth drops. “You did what now?”

“I quit,” she repeats. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Well, you’re bloody well going to.” I try to move forward but I’m stopped at the doorway. “You live here? Oh, Christ, what have you – “

“You can come in.”

I stumble into the room and I do mean room. There’s not much going on and she seems to be living a very Spartan-like existence which normally would be a very Slayer thing to do but this is Buffy. Buffy is anything but a normal Slayer.

“And you just invite me in? How do you know – “

“I know. There’s something different about you,” she tells me with a shrug. “It’s obvious.”

I turn and close the door so I can hide my grin from her. She sits on the bed and I don’t feel like I should sit with her so I lean against her bureau.

“Is this what happened…after Angel?” I ask.

She is sure to not look at me as she nods.

“So you’ve just given up? No cares in the world. Your friends dealing with everything back in Sunnyhell without any protection?”

“You have no idea what I’ve been through. How I had to – “

“You’re right,” I say, holding my hands up. “I don’t know what you went through. Sorry.”

“You could have told me.”

“About what?”

“That he got his soul back…before I killed him.”

“I didn’t know.”

She shoots me a look of disbelief which pisses me off.

“The next time I see you, he’s back and has his soul but I didn’t know how that happened and it was never explained to me, alright?”

“He comes back?”

Shit.

“What are you doing here, pet? This place is not for you.”

“I have no place else to be.”

“You can go home.”

“No. Not yet.”

“Have you spoken to anyone?”

“No. They don’t need me, Spike. I just ruin everything. I get everyone hurt or killed. This is better.”

“Living in a place that cockroaches are afraid of is a better option?”

“I disappear here.”

“Luv, everyone does.”

“Exactly.” She picks up the can on the bedside table. “Spaghetti-O’s?”

I shake my head, trying not to make a face at the thought. “You just sit around here all day? Eating canned pasta?”

“No. I’ve been working. I have to pay for this place.”

“Sure,” I say, looking around. “Palace like this…”

She stands up in a huff. “No one asked you to come here, Spike. So if you don’t like it, there’s the door.”

“True, but it doesn’t seem like I have a choice anymore as to where I go and why I end up there.” I pull the gold circle from my jeans pocket.

“That’s some snazzy little gadget you have there.” She shakes her head in the direction of the Behnri gizmo.

“It’s not so bad.”

“Why do you think this keeps happening?”

“I suspect it’s because of you,” I tell her truthfully. There’s no point in keeping secrets.

“Well, yeah, Spike. I think that’s obvious.”

I smile and shake my head. “Right.”

“But I don’t get why. I mean, I understand that I’m not…around…where you come from but wouldn’t you just go to before I’m…not around?”

“Thought the same thing myself. Haven’t come up with anything resembling a theory. Your Watcher’s better at this than I am but I can’t seem to get to him.”

“You get to me just fine.”

“Already established that it’s all about you, pet,” I say, smirking. “As fucking always.”

“I told you not to swear at me.”

I change tactics. “Look I know your upset, Slay…Buffy, but you have a job – “

“I had a job.”

I growl, beyond aggravated with her behavior, my hands miming like I want to strangle her. She just looks at me, her lips pursed and her arms folded over her chest. How can she be annoyed with me? She’s the one who –

“Why do you care, anyway?” She blurts, “How do you know this isn’t all your fault?”

“I don’t.”

“Exactly!”

“But I know I haven’t done anything – “

“Except be a big British pain in my ass.”

“To bollocks things up so far that you’re living in squalor,” I finish, ignoring her. “You’re blaming me, as you always do, I should add, because you don’t want to face up to your choices. Good to know you were as pigheaded and arrogant when you were younger as you are in a couple of years.”

“I am not pigheaded.”

“Case in point.”

“I know what I’ve done. No one else could have done it but me,” Buffy says, her voice telling me she doesn’t like what I’m saying. What else is new? “I made a choice, Spike. I sacrificed him to save everyone.”

“He put himself into that position, pet. I know it’s hard – “ She laughs and it reeks of sarcasm which really gets my goat. I stride over to her and grab her by the shoulders. Hard enough to make a point, but not hard enough for that buggering chip to go off. “You think I don’t know anything about losing people, Slayer? Because I’m a vampire and couldn’t possibly feel pain? You’re a daft bird, you know? You don’t understand anything. You know nothing.”

I let her go, disgusted with her and myself for getting so caught up, for always saying too much.

“He wasn’t evil when I…” she trails off.

“He was when he started it, Buffy. It’s unfortunate that he wasn’t when it ended, yes, but he’d get it. As much as it fucking kills me to admit that, he would understand why you had to do it.”

“But I couldn’t say anything to him. I couldn’t explain anything…there wasn’t time.”

“You know you made the right choice.”

She nods slightly. “Yes.”

“You need to stop beating yourself up about this, pet. You need to get out of here. Go back home.”

She shakes her head at me, lowering it so I can’t see the tears that are there.

But then she surprises me and walks over to where I am, putting her forehead against my chest. When her shoulders begin to shake, I put my arms around her, stroking her hair.

“I don’t know how,” she says through her sadness. “I don’t even know who I am anymore.”

“You’re Buffy.”

“I don’t feel like her anymore.”

“That’s because you haven’t had a good tussle in…how long have you been here?”

“About three months.”

“You haven’t spoken to your mum or Watcher in three months?”

“Don’t make me feel even worse than I do.” She looks up at me but makes no move to break away from my arms. “How can I just go back? After everything that’s happened?”

“I think they’ll just be happy to see that you’re okay.”

“And after that wears off?”

“I’d wager that’s when it gets tough and you don’t get going.”

“Going back to slaying…”

“It’s what you were born to do, luv. You just need to get your confidence back. Get out there. Knock the hell out of something.”

She laughs softly. “You’re like my Yoda.”

And then it hits me and I understand. It was there the whole time and I never thought of it. And the way she’s looking at me, it seems to have occurred to her as well.

“Do you think…” she begins but doesn’t finish.

“Wouldn’t I know that I’ve done this?”

“Not if you’re doing it now.”

“But I wouldn’t be, right?”

She makes a face. “Huh?”

“I’m from the future.”

She rolls her eyes.

“No, let’s start from the beginning.”

“Okay,” she says and moves away from me. “So I’m Buffy. I live in 1998. You’re Spike. You also, er, live in 1998 and you’re evil. But you come here from 2001 and you…help me.”

“Have I?”

She answers with a shrug and says, “But you help me in a way that isn’t going to alter everything.”

“We don’t know that yet. You being here could be my fault.”

“I can honestly say that after running Angel through with a sword to close the mouth of hell, being kicked out of my house, being expelled from school and putting my friends in danger, I had nowhere else to be but here. I shouldn’t have blamed you before.”

“Thanks for that.”

“You only seem to pop up when I’m really – “

“In the thick of it, yeah. It’s what I do.” I start to pace, thinking so much my head feels like it’s going to explode. “And the other me doesn’t know about it because it’s not until four years from now that this all happens.”

“Which means in four years when the opportunity presents itself…”

“I’m going to do this exact thing no matter what.”

“Ouch,” she says, smiling as she rubs her temples. “It’s like your living parallel to what’s going on here. You’re evil, you leave Sunnydale, you do whatever it is you do – “

“We go to South America. It doesn’t end well. You’ll find out soon enough.”

“Can’t wait. So when do you think the next time I see you will be?”

“I don’t know. I don’t think I have any control over this.” And just as I finish my sentence, I can feel the tingling and I’m angry. I want to stay here with her a little longer. Just a few minutes more.

But this is a cruel thing I’m a part of and I’m suddenly hot, then everything is black and I’m wondering where the hell I will end up next, hoping that she’ll still be there when I arrive.

tbc...

Chapter 5

I wake to the smell of something delicious and I swipe my hand over my mouth. As my eyes adjust, I see black boots tapping on the floor.

“Took you long enough.”

I look at her, relieved. Not only because she’s holding my favorite mug of Giles’ in her possession - and it’s filled with a lovely AB negative - but because she’s here.

“Year?”

“1999.”

“I didn’t see you – “

“For a while, yeah. I’m in college now.” She hands me the mug. “Figured you would be hungry.”

“Figured right, luv. Thanks.”

“Well, it’s not like you can kill anyone…” She looks at me, eyebrows raised in question.

“Bugger,” I sigh. “Chip’s still active, Slayer. No need to worry your pretty little head over it.”

I drink down the blood, which she even warmed for me a little. Who said she never liked me?

“How did you know where I would be?” I ask. “Did you and Giles figure it all out in my absence?”

“I, uh, I haven’t exactly told Giles…or anyone, really, that you are, you know…floating around, popping up whenever you feel like it.”

“Or whenever you feel like it.” She looks surprised by the truth. “I don’t have any bloody control over it.”

She nods, thinking. “It’s possible, right? I came here looking for Riley – ” She stops talking when a snort escapes me. “What was that?”

“Good, Ol’ Captain Fun. Tried to forget all about his pansy ass – “ And now it’s my turn to stop when she starts to glower at me. “Forget it.”

“He’s nice.”

“Oh, no doubt, pet. No doubt.”

“Don’t do that. Don’t patronize me.”

“Ooh, patronize! Learning big fancy words in college, are we? Good on you.”

“What the hell is your problem?” she yells and stands up.

“What’s yours? You haven’t told anyone that I’m still around? I have a bit of a problem here – “

“Yes, I know that! When I didn’t see you again during everything that happened last year, I thought maybe you were gone for good. And since I never told Giles about seeing you – 2001 you - during the Angel badness, he just assumed that the hot spot worked and you were back where you belonged.”

I stand up now too, grateful for the blood she brought because I am a lot steadier on my feet this time around. She’s pacing back and forth and it seems that she has some things to say but she might not know how to go about saying them. I decide the best thing to do is to speed up the process of her yelling and punching me and get on with the day.

“Slayer, if you have something to say – “

“Yeah! I have something to say, Spike. I don’t know how that stupid Circle of Random Time Travel works so I spent most of last year waiting for you.” She looks pointedly at me, before she continues, “In L.A. we both decided it was when I needed you, right? Well, I needed you! I needed you to reassure me that what was happening with Faith was not my fault. That Angel leaving was for the best. I could have used some sort of warning about the insane-o Watcher’s Council not to mention that snake of a Mayor. Pun intended. It sucked. All of it. And you were nowhere to be found.”

I’m surprised. Rarely am I at a loss for words, but I don’t even know where to begin here.

“Buffy – “

“You know what? Never mind. I have things to deal with. As usual, you’re causing all kinds of problems.”

I wrinkle my forehead, confused.

“Not you you. You’re with Adam, all my friends seemingly hate each other. It’s all other Spike’s fault.” She shakes her head, sighing loudly. “How are you so different? How does one year change everything?”

“Would if I could...”

“I don’t particularly need you here,” she tells me, her arms crossing, attempting to keep her face stony and cold but it’s all an act.

“We know how this works, luv, wouldn’t be here if you didn’t need me.”

She looks at me from beneath her brow, refusing to acknowledge that I’m right.

“Look,” I continue. “I don’t know why I never came around last year. Maybe because I wasn’t there in the first place? Maybe you didn’t really need my help - you lot seemed to handle everything quite well.” I point to a chunk of the Mayor on the ground. “You blew up the high school, killed your elected official, sent Peaches packing. All great decisions from where I’m standing.”

She rolls her eyes but I see a smidgen of a smile.

“I’m here now, though,” I coax and she calms down a little. Well, she lets her arms relax, at least.

“This whole year has been really weird,” she admits, “You’re back and you’re dating Harmony which ew, Spike. How did that even happen?”

“Long story.” Not really, but I don’t feel like getting into a discussion about Harmony of all the sodding people.

“My friends and I aren’t speaking, which is your fault, by the way.”

“Evil, pet.”

“But, honestly, we weren’t even getting along all that great, anyway,” she says through an exhale, to no one in particular, even though I’m standing right here, “I haven’t been around because of Riley…” She looks up then, reading my body language. “Don’t look at me that way, okay? I know.”

“I didn’t say anything,” I respond, a smug look on my face.

“You don’t have to.”

I shrug, happy but trying not to show it. “So you were saying you came down here looking for Meat and Potatoes and…?”

“I found you, totally dead to the world.”

I raise an eyebrow.

“You know what I mean. I tried to wake you up. Even slapped you around a bit.”

“Just how I like it.”

“No comment, “ she says, allowing herself to chuckle a little, “Anyway, you wouldn’t open your eyes so I thought some blood might do the trick and since I don’t exactly keep a bag of it on me, I ran to Giles’. I even got your favorite mug.”

“And a thermos to keep it warm?”

“Well, I didn’t want to hear you complain about it being cold. Got enough of that this year when you were chained.”

I smile, until the reality of what she has told me hits me. “How long was I out for?”

“I was gone at least twenty minutes and it was another five or ten before you finally stirred.”

“Seem worried, Slayer.”

Buffy blushes and it’s a beautiful thing. “No…”

“I appreciate it. The blood. It’s funny, I hadn’t even craved it ‘til I got here.” I hand her back the now empty mug. “If other me doesn’t get to use it, he’ll be mightily pissed.”

“Do you want to go and talk to Giles?” she asks as she takes the mug from me. Her fingers brush against mine and I don’t want to think more of it then it is but it seems deliberate. Or maybe that’s just me wishing.

“Feel like I should. Don’t particularly want to.”

“What do you want to do?”

I smirk, knowing what I’m conveying without having to say anything and her eyes do their classic dance. She shifts on her feet and opens her mouth to say something but shakes her head, deciding against it. She takes a deep breath and starts again.

“Tell me,” she begins, “about Adam. Give me something, Spike, because I don’t know where to even begin here. Demons, fine. Slay, slay, slay. Engineered demons? A little out of my realm of understanding.”

I sigh, disappointed but I go along with it because it’s what I do for her. “A little out of mine, too, luv,” I say, pointing at my head. “If I knew why they thought it would be a good idea to try and corral us like farm animals, I’d let you know.”

“How long’s it been… since you killed someone?”

“Couple years now.”

“But it doesn’t change who you are.”

The way she says it is strange to me. It’s not exactly a question, not exactly a statement and I’m not sure what she’s looking for here or where she’s going with this.

“It’s curbed some things but, Slayer, don’t think you know anything about who I am. Just what. You’ve only seen me as a killer. You’re not interested in delving deeper than that.”

“I delve!”

“With Angel, maybe.”

“He has a soul, Spike. That means something to some people.”

“Doesn’t mean much to me.”

“Thus the difference between us.”

“Angelus is still a killer, with his soul or not. Now he just feels all gloomy about it. I’d rather not.”

“Exactly! That’s why it’ll never work.”

I shake my head, confused again. “What won’t work?”

“Nothing.” She grabs the thermos from the floor. “I really should get going. I’m not sure where Riley is, I have to talk to my friends, figure out a way to stop – “

I grab her arm before she can turn to leave and pull her closer to me. I can feel her pulse speed up and the sweet smell of her sweat breaking through her skin. She’s looking at me, her eyes wide in surprise but she’s not scared.

“What?” she asks.

“You tell me. You’ve been on edge since the moment I came to. Now you’re huffy and running.”

“I am not huffy!”

I sigh at that and give her a look that begs to differ.

She wrenches her arm from my grip and takes a step back, “I think I’m mad at you.”

“You think?”

“It’s weird. It’s like I don’t want to be angry but I am and I can’t exactly figure out why I’m feeling so grrr, you know?”

I nod, trying to follow.

“I think I kept waiting for you to show up again and then you never did so I thought it was all over and I got on with my life and I started to just do the things I would normally do and now you’re back. I don’t know how long you’ll be here and to be honest, I kind of still hate the other you because it’s not you but I also remember what it was like during Willow’s spell – “

“Ah, Red’s spell. Think about that often myself, pet.”

“Well, I don’t want to think about it! I just want to go about my life and date normal boys and kill demons! I don’t think it’s too much to ask, you know? And yet, there’s something…nagging at me and because now me should hate now you and it’s really confusing and…am I always supposed to pretend?” she asks, her voice filled with emotion.

“You always do,” I answer, my eyes staring into hers for a moment, “You’re not making a lot of sense here, luv.”

“I just…I think you made a mess of everything.”

“Sounds about right.”

“You kept coming around, helping me and don’t you get it?”

“No, Slayer, I’m sorry but I don’t under – “

I’m interrupted by her lips on mine and I’m bloody well not going to stop her from doing what she wants to so I kiss her back, knowing this could be the only one I ever get from her. Well, there was the kiss after Glory kicked my ass but that wasn’t this. Or was it? Maybe it was her little way of letting me know that she was letting her guard down to the other me and why in the hell am I thinking about all this bullshit when I have the Slayer, here and now, sucking my bottom lip into her mouth?

I wrap my arms around her and I hear the thermos clatter as it hits the ground and rolls away. She’s clutching the back of my coat and I hear a wonderful moan escape her before she forces herself to pull away from me. I want to reach for her, convince her that continuing to kiss me is detrimental to destroying Adam, but I do nothing and watch her as she takes a few steps backwards.

“You shouldn’t come back again.”

“Moment of weakness, luv. We’ll never mention it again.”

“So we don’t?”

“Believe me, that…has never happened in all the time I’ve wanted it to, and you have never even hinted that it had at any point. And you need to keep it that way. Remember, your Spike doesn’t know any of this is happening. Not for another year.”

“You’re my Spike,” she tells me softly and she finally looks at me, tears brimming in her eyes. “I have to go.”

“You’re always running.”

“What’s the difference if I stay? Nothing will change. We’ll still go on hating each other, beating each other up and then I die. And then this will start all over for you again and you can still see me but me…I’m always getting the crap end of the deal.”

“Tell me, then.”

“Tell you what?”

I shake my head. “Not me, the other…tell him what’s going on. You want to – “

“It’s different.”

“No, Buffy, it isn’t. How I am here and how I am in a year, it’s not all that different. This time next year? We both know that I love you. That’s the only thing that changes.”

Her eyes go wide and “oh” slips between her lips.

“You do what you want, pet. You can continue to act like none of this has happened, and I will understand. Or you can take a chance for once and see.”

She doesn’t say anything and I don’t know what that means. I would think that if she actually did turn around and do something differently, that I would feel the change. That my memories would contain things I wouldn’t remember experiencing. But nothing changes and the longer we stand here not talking, the more time she has to build her guard back up and begin her act.

I do the only thing I can think of.

“Call the scoobies. Get them together. You can’t beat Adam without them.”

She smiles and opens her mouth to speak but I’m gone before I hear a word.

Chapter 6

With a flash, as if being hit by lightning, I’m in the cemetery, fairly close to my crypt. A fact that makes me quite nervous that I’ll run into my other self. So I try to move, to get off the ground and run, but I can’t. I’m just too bloody weak to do anything but lay here like an idiot until my limbs decide to work again. All this moving about really seems to be taking its toll.

The place is obvious but the time less so. There’s a possibility I’ve returned to 2001, but something tells me that’s not the case. Something in the air and the feeling I get that while the purpose of this whole time traveling journey isn’t clear yet, I just know it wouldn’t end on that last conversation between me and the Slayer.

I still feel the same as I always did so obviously Buffy didn’t go and declare her feelings to the other me or tell anyone about what’s been happening. It’s fine. I told her I would understand no matter what decision she made and to some extent I do. But there is that part of me that would love to shake her until she sees it from my perspective. Until she understands that we could be a pretty fucking good team if she would just let herself be open to it.

I blame Angel.

Suddenly I feel as though my entire system is being rebooted, there are tiny bursts of pain beneath my skin and I can flex my fingers and toes, thank hell. I’ll admit I’m starting to get a bit nervous about what this means. I’ve noticed that I feel more and more lethargic with each time I jump and it’s taking me longer and longer to get on my feet. Buffy helped by bringing me blood last time but she even said I was out for at least a half an hour.

I need to stop being so concerned about the god damn Slayer and start being more concerned with my own sodding problems.

Getting to my feet I walk slowly, far too slowly for my liking, and make my way towards my crypt. I’m hoping I still live there, regardless of the year, and that there’s some blood stashed there.

Cautiously I open the door, ready to bolt at the first sign of anyone. But I don’t see a soul and I don’t hear anything. I open the door all the way and make my way inside, checking to see if the downstairs has been built, which it has, so I make my way down the ladder.

The first thing I notice is my ridiculous shrine to Buffy. It’s no wonder the girl punched me across the room. Stalking. Not exactly a turn-on.

Seeing all the pictures and pieces of her displayed, I realize that time-wise I must not be too far off from when she brings the fight to Glory. I’m not entirely sure when I’m at but it’s before Joyce’s passing because all this is still here. I wonder what it could be that’s prompted her to bring me to this point. There certainly isn’t a shortage of horrors to choose from.

Finding the blood packets, after some searching I drink down the blood and decide to find her. I usually land close to wherever she is so I’m hoping it won’t take too long. The blood’s working its magic but not fast enough. If I were to come across anyone or anything, I don’t think I’d be capable of going more than a round, two at the most.

Climbing back up the ladder and leaving the crypt, I make my way slowly through the cemetery, trying to sniff her out. I hear voices, shouting, definitely Buffy. I make my way to her, only to stop short when I hear my own voice yelling back. A bloody strange feeling, hearing yourself like that. I hide behind a large stone monument and wait for it to end. She’s upset with me. Which means very little since that could be any day, any month, any time.

“I was regrouping!” I hear her say.

“You were about to be regrouped into separate piles. You needed help.”

I smile at my other self’s wit. I can be very sharp tongued and funny when I want to be.

“I didn’t need you. I never need you, Spike.”

Something in her voice stabs me in the heart and I sneak a look at them. The other me seems to feel it as acutely as I do.

But for completely different reasons.

Other me starts teasing her about Riley flying the coop which isn’t very funny when I see the sadness in her eyes. But here, at this moment, I was all about striking back and hurting her like she would hurt me. I didn’t know any other way. It was always the easiest path to take. For both of us, I’d wager. I had told her as plain as day that she could come to me and tell me the entire situation and things could be different but she didn’t. I remember this conversation…

“You’re disgusting.”

…Too well.

“Rough talk. Maybe that’s what your problem is, you push ‘em away? Or is it the other – maybe you cling too much? Or perhaps, it’s even simpler. Check your breath lately? Or maybe the beauty’s fading. The stress of Slaying aging you prematurely. Things not like they used to be…not as high, not as firm.”

I am an ass.

“You know, Spike, the more I get to know you, the more I wish I didn’t.”

It’s silly to say but I felt like she could have been talking to this me when she says that. I am itching to talk to her, to have her not be angry with any version of me.

“Or maybe you just don’t hold their interest.”

Her face falls and previous Spike stalks off, happy with himself for really nailing her good. I remember being so proud of that. She walks toward me and as she passes, I reach my hand out to her take her arm. She’s quick with the stake, full of piss and vinegar, and I raise my hand to knock her arm out of the way. I’m careful not to hurt her because the last thing I need is a splitting headache. Her brow furrows and she looks back to where she had been standing and looks back at me, eyes narrowed.

“Hi,” she says, finally, putting her stake into her pocket.

“Hello yourself.”

“You’re a real jerk, you know that?”

I nod, not feeling that any explanation or apology is necessary.

“Not just because of that whole thing. That’s typical of you.”

“Okay…”

“It’s been months.”

“Guess you didn’t need me.” And I pause for a second before continuing, “Seems you never did.”

She purses her lips at me, clearly annoyed. “You’re taking it out of context.”

“Am I?”

“Well, yeah, that Spike I never needed.”

“Luv, we’re the same. Me and him. Accept that right now because you do need him, whether you want to believe it or not.”

I can see that she doesn’t get it right away and when she does, I can tell she doesn’t like what I’m saying. Not because we’re now the same Spike but because she knows that it can only mean one thing. That her time is coming to a close.

“So soon?” she asks. “I thought…I don’t know. I thought it wouldn’t be – “

“You have time, pet. All kinds of it.”

“I’ve wanted you to come. There was this one time when I thought he was you.”

I know immediately what she’s referring to.

“But then I saw the shotgun and kind of figured it out.” She slumps against the cold stone and looks up at me. “The Council is here.”

“Is that why I am?”

“It could be anything, I suppose. I haven’t felt like this since…since that summer in L.A.”

“You’re dealing with it a lot better.”

“I’ve grown.”

“Good for you,” I say, grinning encouragement.

“Dawn’s a key. Any insight on that?”

“Nope.”

“Liar.”

“Pretty much.”

“So, Glory…”

“Nothing on that, either.”

“You answered too quickly so I know she has everything to do with the thing we’re not supposed to talk about.”

“Buffy – “

She smiles. “I like the way you say my name.” Her hand moves under her eye and I see that it’s wet.

“Don’t do that,” I tell her, taking her hand in mine, my thumb rubbing away the tear on her finger. “You have to focus, pet. You have to deal with the Council and…” I pause, hating to admit this next part, “I’m going to cause some problems – “

“Great.”

“I wish I could tell you everything. Every detail.”

“But you can’t.”

“Maybe I will. Fuck it all.”

She looks at me, surprised. “Would you?”

“Yes.”

And then it’s all black and I hear her yelling my name but I can’t see anything, or feel anything and I am overcome by the strangest sensation that it’s me, that I’ve done it this time. Even though I want to tell her everything and save her from that fateful day, I know, deep down, that I can’t. That everything that happens to her, to me, to everyone, needs to happen. And it all happens for a reason.

I have to tell myself that. I have to.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This time, it’s obvious that I’m in my crypt, definitely below, but everything is different. There is an oriental rug, a bed, a coffin and what looks to be a very strange looking red chair. I don’t have time to think about it because I can smell her. Everywhere. All around me and in everything.

I hear footsteps on the ladder and I turn to see her jump down, landing effortlessly on her feet. Her hair is darker, shorter and she’s much too thin. She doesn’t look at me as she passes, but I know she sees me. She flings her coat off and sets herself down on the bed.

“I don’t have all night.”

“I’m sorry?”

“I have to get to work.”

“Slaying?”

“No, Spike. Making cow and chicken become one. What is wrong with you?”

“I’m sorry, luv. I’m…” I trail off, not able to finish. I feel downright woozy and I crumble to the floor, hating all of this. I don’t know where I am. I don’t know this at all. What have I done?

“Spike?” she asks, concern in her voice, but she doesn’t get up from the bed. She stays and I can feel her watching me.

“I need,” I begin, having trouble focusing and getting the words out.

“Spike?”

“What, Slayer?” I yell, annoyed that she has done nothing but say my name.

She flies off the bed and her arms are around my neck in an instant. All I can smell is her and I can feel the pulse in her neck rapidly beating against my lips. I try to push her away but she holds strong until she finally pulls away, putting her hands on my face and it’s so intimate that I’m even more confused.

“What do you need? Blood? I think he has some around here…upstairs in the fridge, maybe.”

“He?”

“You.”

“Bloody hell.” I can barely shake my head in disgust. I am going to rip Behnri’s head off his fucking neck and I don’t care if my head explodes from it or not.

“You don’t look too good.”

“Not feeling too good.”

“I’m sorry.” She says it like I should have an idea of what she’s talking about. I shoot her a confused look and she shrugs. “I needed to see you. I didn’t know if it would work. I’ve been…hoping you’d come for months now and,” she stops long enough to look at me again, “maybe I shouldn’t have. Maybe this was too much.”

“What was?”

“What was the last thing you remember?”

“I…I was going to tell you everything.”

She smiles. “You didn’t.”

“Figured as such, pet.”

“That was scary. You just went down, kind of like now but you weren’t conscious at all and then you were gone,” she finishes, brushing her hand down my cheek, “Let me get the blood.”

“Wait,” I say, grabbing her hand. “Did something happen? Did I change something? I don’t know this place. I mean, I know this is my crypt. But the furnishings…and you. Your hair and…just you…something’s off.”

“I don’t doubt it. Let me just get you what you need, Spike. I’ll be right back.”

“No,” I tell her, strongly. “Tell me now. You didn’t…you’re all right?”

“I’m far from all right.”

“You look…tired.”

“Is that a euphemism for saying I look like shit? Not very nice.”

I try to smile but I feel like I want to vomit, which is not something I ever feel.

“Buffy – “

“I came back. They brought me back.”

My head hits the cement floor and everything is black once again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Smelling the blood opens my eyes and I find her holding a cup under my nose. She presses it against my lips and I open them, gulping it down but she pulls it away suddenly and I follow it, desperate to have more. Buffy’s thumb wipes against my lips, taking an errant drop of blood with her. That’s new.

“Feeling better?”

“Little. Is there more?”

“Not much. You don’t want to drink too much all at once.”

“Don’t care.”

“I do and I want you to be steady on your feet before we leave.”

I ask where we’re going and she gets up and starts to pace. Never a good sign.

“I don’t know when he’s coming home. We…we had a thing to do.”

I raise an eyebrow in question. She shakes her head and I drop it. Although it’s bloody well killing me to do so.

“Why’d you need me here, Slayer? When am I?”

“It’s 2002. I’ve been back for about six months now.”

I start to ask her again why she would have wanted me here when I feel those blasted pins and needles and the burning start again. I know I don’t have long now and I look at her, my eyes pleading with her to tell me as I ask, “Are you happy?”

A single tear rolls down her cheek and she shakes her head. “No.”

“Luv, I don’t have much time here. Tell me – “

“Just know that I’m sorry. Please. Just know that I am.”

I stare at her. “For what?”

“For all that I’ll do…for everything. Spike,” she walks over to me and kneels beside me, her fingers stroking my cheek so gently it makes me feel like I’m breaking in two, “I needed you to know that. Okay? That when it comes time for you to see me again in your time…just understand.”

“Understand what, pet? You need to – “

“Would if I could,” she teases me with a smile. “Isn’t that what you said?”

“If that’s what you want – “

“It’s what I’ll need, Spike, and you always do what I need.”

“There are reasons for that.”

“I know.” She kisses me lightly on the lips, her warm breath gliding over my skin. “Know that I know.”

And I feel her lips on mine again briefly, and then she’s gone but I can still feel them lingering.

tbc...

Chapter 7

I come to and I’m in the park. I’m not feeling too bad this time around, which I’m thankful for. I decide not to leave but wait for her here. I’m confident that I’m not back in my time yet. I also don’t think I’m still in the future…or whatever that was.

If it really was Buffy, and not some figment of my imagination, that has knocked me off my rocker into Druville, then she’s alive. Someday soon, she’s alive.

And she’s miserable.

I can’t help but wonder what she was talking about – not just all the apologizing, that was odd enough – but the chilly reception before she realized it was me and the ease in which she put herself into my bed. I had to be reading that wrong. It couldn’t possibly be…

I shake my head. Why would I see that? Why would she need me to? None of this makes any sense and I would do just about anything to get back to where I’m supposed to be. I’m over this whole bloody thing. I know I miss her, been missing her for over a month now and this is certainly not helping. And it’s really starting to wreak havoc on my body as well. This is definitely not a natural state to be in. I could just about strangle Red next time I see her…if I ever get to see her again.

“You’re here,” Buffy says and I’m happy to see her long, shiny hair bouncing as she approaches me. She helps me up and leads me to the swing set. We sit and she smiles as she starts to move to and fro. I stay still and just watch her.

“You want me here, I’m here,” I say with a shrug.

“Is this the first time that it’s only a couple of days later?” Buffy asks, her feet swinging back and forth on the swing.

“Think so.”

“I used to kill lots of vamps here back in the day,” she tells me. “Not so much anymore.”

“They won’t go where the Slayer’s at.”

“Too bad. I like the swings.” She laughs and she seems happy which is enough to make me smile. “Glory thought you were my boyfriend.”

“Right…at the hospital,” I say, remembering. “She’s kind of daft.”

“Well, I can see why she might think it. We’re spending a lot more time together and her little minions are always spying. Trying to find the Key.”

“You don’t seem to be in any imminent danger here, pet. Why’d you want to see me?”

“It’s interesting how that thing works, right? I mean, I thought about seeing you on my way home with Dawn. And I hoped that I would come across you while I was out.”

“It’s that simple, is it?” I’m mildly amused by this. I’ve always been at Buffy’s whim, why should this be any different?

“Guess so. But only sometimes. I wanted to see you my senior year in high school,” she recalls, wistfully, “but you never came.”

“I wish I had a better understanding of it myself, Slayer, but unfortunately…”

I hear her take in a breath as if she’s about to start a sentence but then she doesn’t.

“What’s up, pet?”

“Are you okay?” she asks, earnestly.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, the last few times, you’ve been not so great. And the other day when you were here you just…”

“I think it’s starting to take a toll, to be honest.”

She looks at me and I want to read it as scared but it couldn’t possibly be. Scared of what? Of me? For me?

“I could get you some blood.”

“I might not be here by the time you get back.”

She nods, “Our times together are definitely growing shorter and shorter. Maybe because my time is coming closer and closer.”

I shake my head, not wanting to think about it. “Something must be on your mind for me to be here. It usually happens when – “

“Well, I don’t know when this will end or when I’ll stop seeing you,” she begins, “and I think because of that, you keep coming to me now.”

I kind of understand where she’s going with this but I don’t want to get my hopes up so I nod and say nothing, wanting her to continue her thoughts without interruption.

“I feel like if I don’t tell you and then I don’t see you, I’m going to regret it. But at the same time, telling you doesn’t exactly do us any favors because there’s nothing to be done about it.”

“I’m not following.”

“You’re kind of dumb, Spike.”

“That’s what you would regret not telling me? I’m touched. Deeply.” I put my hand over my heart.

“Obviously that’s not what I have to tell you,” she sighs, exasperated. “You know, you’re always so attuned to everything, reading into things no one else seems to notice, telling me how I feel… usually while being completely annoying about it, but this? This you can’t figure out. This is the one time you have blinders on?”

Buffy jumps off her swing and then turns to me. She walks over to where I sit, placing her hands on the metal rope that holds the swing and steps in between my legs, standing there, staring down at me, her gaze heavy and intense.

“What did you call Glory earlier?”

I cough a little, trying to get my voice out, “Daft.”

“Right,” she says, leaning down, her lips unbearably close to mine. “Pot, kettle, black, Spike,” she whispers, before lightly placing her lips on mine, as if she’s unsure. Of what, I don’t know, because nothing has ever felt so right. My hands go to her waist and I pull her closer, causing the swing to move back and for her to fall harder against me. I’m not complaining. She mumbles against my lips and I could just about kill her for it.

“What was that?”

“I asked if you understood now. Actions seem to speak louder with you.”

And she starts kissing me again and I will never get to heaven, I know. I probably don’t even deserve this little taste of it but it’s here and I’m not letting go until it makes me. She’s so warm and everything about this is breaking my heart. I’m overwhelmed by it. I’m feeling high and low. Why does she always come to these conclusions when it’s too late for anything to be done? I want to damn her and her timing but I don’t want to stop. Not for anything in the world.

She moves her lips away just enough to speak, staying close, her head resting against mine. “Maybe we should have been doing that the whole time.”

She laughs and I join her because I am over the bloody moon right now. I’m clutching at her coat, hoping that if I hold on tight enough, I won’t have to leave. That it won’t be able to take me because she’s with me.

“I needed – “

“No, don’t tell me,” I say, quickly. “Don’t tell me what you need, pet. You tell me and I go. And I don’t want to go. Not yet.”

“Okay,” she agrees, softly, and her hands come off the rope and go around my neck and we hold each other, not saying a word, until it’s time.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I’m in her room now, and I still feel her warmth, which could just be my mind playing tricks with me. I climb onto her bed and wait for her, knowing that she has to be coming soon or I wouldn’t be here.

The front door opens, followed by muffled voices. I strain to make out what's being said but can only determine that it's us, before the conversation abruptly stops.

Then, suddenly, I can feel her, hear the beat of her heart as she makes her way down the hall. Her footfalls slow as she comes near the door, the rhythm of her heart increasing just before she opens it.

As Buffy enters, I do my best to stand. She smiles at me and closes the door behind her.

“In case you’re wondering, it’s – “

“I know when it is,” I interrupt, looking her over. Those black leather pants that I thought were so delectable the first time I saw them bring me nothing but pain now.

“Yeah,” she replies, quietly, knowing I know. “I have to change. Your creepy robot is going to come in handy.”

If it were genetically possible, I’d be blushing right now. “I’m downstairs,” I begin, but she just starts shaking her head.

“I’m not asking you to leave.”

Not feeling so great, I ask if she minds if I sit again and she nods her consent as she makes her way to her closet.

“I thought I’d see you before this,” she comments. “Especially after…my mom…”

“I would have been here if – “

“If I wanted, I know.” She turns to her closet and says, “I wasn’t thinking of anything. Wasn’t feeling much of anything, either.”

I furrow my brow. “You don’t have to explain – “

“Angel came.”

It’s a good thing she’s not looking at me because I can’t hide the grimace at his name.

“I just…I wanted to tell you. I felt like I should, which is weird.” She pauses and looks over her shoulder at me, “I get nostalgic in the face of tragedy.”

I nod, trying to show her I understand. “Been there myself. I am sorry, pet. She was a fine woman.”

“She always liked you.”

“That’s nice to hear.” And it is. “I tried to bring you flowers once. Xander didn’t appreciate it.”

“I saw them. I had wondered,” she pauses, “But it was him that brought them, not you, right?”

I nod.

“You told me before that you were the same but I can still tell the difference.” She sighs heavily. “Downstairs? Right before I came up here – “

“When you invited me in? Best bloody moment of my life, pet.” I pause, “Well, that was before the swings.”

She smiles, her cheeks turning a lovely pink and she shakes her head as if to say she doesn’t want to talk about that right now. “That was you and him. When we were coming in and you couldn’t? I knew it was you, that Spike had finally become…”

“Why am I here, luv?” I ask her, softly. There is no reason to talk loudly here. We are both speaking so quietly and there is no other sounds but her breathing and her heart. Whatever may be happening in the future, whatever all that was, I don’t think it’s nearly as intimate as these last few moments I have with her.

“This is it, Spike.”

I nod, not able to say anything.

“I feel good,” she begins and off my look, she smiles. “It’s different. Before I was sixteen, I had so much to do, you know? But this time? It fits. I feel…I don’t know, sure. I don’t want to say happy because I’m not. I don’t want to leave them but – “

“Maybe there’s something we can do,” I venture. “Maybe if I tell you how it goes down, we can stop it from happening and this can all be avoided.”

“Obviously, it can’t because then you wouldn’t be here. Remember the paradox that causes our brains to explode?”

“If I’m not here to prevent this, I don’t fucking understand any of it.”

“Spike,” she says and her voice is sweet. She walks over to me, putting her clothes on the bed. That blasted white sweater and gray pants. I hate the sight of them. She sits next to me and puts her hand on top of mine. I look at her, surprised, and she smiles slightly. “You seem more nervous than I am.”

I shrug and try to play it off, knowing I’m failing miserably. “I just hope to get back to my time after this.”

“Shouldn’t you?” she asks, obviously not having ever thought it wouldn’t happen.

“One can hope,” I say. It’s not for her to know about the future. It never has been. “I’m completely knackered, hungry, out of sorts in every which way. I’m not sure if I have the energy to make it again.”

“I have something for you,” she says and goes to a large chest against the wall. She pulls out a book and I realize that I had forgotten all about it.

“Giles and I both didn’t remember and I take it you didn’t either.” I nod and she continues, handing me the book. “I read – skimmed – through it and it’s all weirdness to me.”

“Did you give it to Giles?”

She shakes her head, embarrassed. “I’m sorry. I couldn’t. I didn’t know how to explain…where to start. And we’re sort of in the middle of all this with Glory. It’s how we found it again, actually.”

“It’s okay, really.” I flip it open and see she dog-eared the page with Behnri’s Circle on it. “This book is centuries old!”

“Uh-huh.”

“You folded over the page!”

“Are you Giles suddenly?” she takes the book and flips a couple of pages until she gets to an underlined part. “Yes, I highlighted it, too. Get over it.”

I roll my eyes at her and look at what she’s done. I shake my head and frown. She must see my look of confusion because she asks, “What was Will planning on doing with this?”

“Not sure. Tara said that – “

“Tara? She’s better?” Buffy smiles. “I’m glad.”

“She said only that it would take me wherever I wanted to go – whenever I wanted to.”

“It wouldn’t have worked for Willow, though. Unless she’s been neglecting to tell me something, there’s no way Will could use this to get to me.”

I try to joke and say, “Well, you never know, pet, she does fancy Tara, maybe there are some feelings – “

She shakes her head, aggravated with me and I don’t blame her. “Can we be serious?”

“This isn’t exactly news, Slayer. You know how I feel about you. You’ve never believed me.”

“I know but this is saying that – “

I hear the other me yelling her name and she sighs, clearly irritated with the both of us, it seems. She opens the door, telling him she’ll be right down.

“I have to change.”

“Yeah, there’s only so much time.”

“Counting down from 7-3-0,” she mutters and I have no idea what she’s talking about. “Could you…” and she makes a twirling motion with her finger and I oblige.

I hear her clothes come off and it takes all of my strength not to turn and watch her.

“It was because of Dawn, because of what you did for her.”

“What was, pet?”

“When I realized that I could see myself loving you. Well, not you. You’re a different story. Him, I guess, which is you…ah, my head!” She laughs a little but I’m not finding anything funny at the moment. “I had decided that if we were to survive, if something crazy occurred and I didn’t die, then I would see what happens.”

I turn to look at her and she’s wearing her pants but hasn’t put on her sweater yet. She quickly grabs it and holds it over her chest.

“Sorry,” I say, quickly turning back around.

“It’s…fine. What does it matter now?” she asks, sadly. She walks over to her bureau, now completely dressed and takes her hair out of its ponytail and begins to brush it.

I can see her completely at this moment. Her preparing for battle – it’s not like anything I’ve ever witnessed. She’s calm, her actions methodical, knowing and I wonder if it would be this way regardless if she was aware of what is waiting for her.

“Because of that, because I decided that I could…that I would let myself be with you, all this happened.” She shakes her head, a rueful smile on her lips. “I’d remind you not to let me think anymore because it never ends well. You end up being bounced around for four years or I end up in a dream where I kill my sister over and over. “

“It hasn’t been a bad way to pass the time,” I tell her.

“I did a little recon,” she says, turning to me again. “Behnri’s dead.”

“How’d you – “

“I asked Willow to look into it. I thought if I asked Giles, it would raise too many questions that I didn’t feel like answering.”

“You asked Willow?” She nods. I laugh harshly and she looks hurt. I shake my head, “No, no. Sorry, pet. But you do realize that because you asked her, this happened?”

“What? No…”

“Yes, Slayer.”

She thinks a minute and her eyes go wide. “I can’t believe it!” She shakes her head, chuckling slightly.

“What killed him?”

“He just kept bouncing. He never stopped. According to Will, he befriended a man who took the circle and he’s the one that stashed it where you found it.”

“And that’s how Red knew where to find it.”

She nods. “The man wrote a journal. Will has it and it explains more the why behind it.”

“More than this?” I ask, holding up the book. “Because I still don’t understand why I ended up in the cemetery four years ago. I barely even knew you then.”

There’s a slight smile playing on her lips and she nods her head. “I do. I understand now.”

“You want to share with the class?”

“I’ll tell you that when you left my basement with the circle, you must have thought about getting to me. Getting to me when I really needed someone. And…” She shakes her head as she looks at the clock on her bedside table. “There’s not enough time. Just get the journal from Willow.”

“That should prove to be boatloads of fun, seeing as when I left, the last thing I heard was her telling me how much she never trusted me.”

She laughs a little and sits next me again. “Tell her I told her to give it to you.” She pauses. “Spike is probably ready to tear down the door right now.”

“Sounds about right.”

“I don’t want to leave you.” She exhales, loudly. “There, that was one of the things I wanted to say before…”

And she’s so proud of herself for it that I smile at her and don’t press on what the other is. Instead I say, “You best be going, luv.”

“Thank you.”

And there’s the other. “I haven’t done – “

“You’ve done. You’ve more than done,” she interrupts, trying to reassure me.

“I didn’t stop this.”

“You weren’t meant to. All you had to do was get me here. This is what’s supposed to be.”

She gets up and I’m itching to stop her, to tell her that we need another plan of action. That getting Glory on the ropes is good and fine but it’s the Doc we need to worry about.

“Buffy – “ I start.

She opens her door and turns to smile at me. It feels like she wants to say something else but her eyes get a little sad and she shakes her head, more to herself than to me, I’d wager. “Promise that when you get back, you’ll do some reading?”

I tell her I will as she turns and walks away. The heat is flaring up and I can feel myself burning and the other me yelling for her and I’m gone.

tbc...

Chapter 8

“He’s awake!”

It’s Dawn.

My eyelids flutter open and she’s kneeling beside me, smiling. I can feel a cool cloth on my head and I can smell blood. My eyes shift to the coffee table where there’s a mug with a straw.

Dawn sees where I’m looking and picks it up, holding the straw steady as I wrap my lips around it and drink deep. I swallow large gulps until it’s gone.

“I can get more,” she offers.

I shake my head. “How long have I been back?”

“Two days. I was so worried. I thought – “

“Where is it?”

We look over to see Willow glaring at me from the doorway. The entire gang is hovering behind. Fanfuckingtastic.

“In my pocket,” I tell her. I reach in and take the circle out. “You can bloody well have it, Red. It won’t do anything.”

“It did something for you,” Willow affirms - to herself mostly - as she snatches it from me.

“Would it kill you to be civil to me? What the hell did I do to you?”

“All right, now, let’s be calm,” Giles interrupts. “Spike has had an experience. It’s best if we let him rest and talk to him about it later. Tomorrow perhaps?”

Nodding my head, I hope they’ll agree and bugger off. Dawn kisses my cheek and smiles before leaving. She’s such a sweet girl, really. Giles lingers, waiting until everyone goes. He looks around, making sure no one can hear before sitting on the coffee table, studying me, which I hate.

“Yes?” I ask, sarcastically.

“I had forgotten, you know. About that time we saw you. It had entirely slipped my mind over the years.”

Agreeing with a nod I say nothing, waiting for him to continue.

“For us, your disappearance lasted only four hours, Spike. And for you?”

“Suppose it would depend on who you asked.”

“I see.” He removes his glasses, cleaning them on his sweater. “I read some of the journal that Behnri’s friend kept.”

“Oh?”

“Quite a read.”

“Is it? Never had the pleasure, actually.”

“It would have been fruitless for Willow to try.”

I watch him as steadily as he watches me. I don’t know what he wants me to say here or what kinds of answers he’s searching for. But I know he’s not going to get them from me. What happened between me and Buffy is between us and I’m not ruining that by sharing it with the crowd.

“Knock, knock.” We both look up to see Willow, standing there. “Can I…can I talk to you?” Red asks, a note of trepidation in her voice.

Giles gives me a look which says we’ll discuss this later and I hope my look in return conveys a sod off vibe. He leaves and Willow remains where she is. I can’t get a read on her at all, which I have to say, I don’t like.

“It’s been really hard,” she starts.

“That it has.”

“I don’t mean to be…nasty. I don’t.”

I must be feeling better because the anger begins rising in my chest. I shake my head at her, letting her know that she isn’t going to pull the wool over my eyes. “You think you can replace her royal bitchiness in some way if you’re mean to me? I think fucking not, Red. That ends here.”

She nods. “It’s just without her, I don’t know what to do anymore.” The circle is in her palm and her index finger moves around it. “I’m grasping at anything that might work.”

“Stop.”

Her mouth drops open in surprise. “What? Why?”

“She had a job. She knew what could happen. She knew she wasn’t going to be around long enough to get that Slayer pension. What’s done is done. Leave her be.”

She moves into the room a little more and I can see her chin trembling. God damn it.

“I miss her so much,” she whispers, the words barely eeking from her, “I can’t even think straight.” She wipes away some tears. “I’m lost without her.”

“We all are.”

“I was only going to try and – “

“Change what happens?”

“Yes,” she answers, her eyes downcast. “I thought if I could just change one moment, then everything would be fine.”

“You can’t. “

“I know that now. I didn’t have enough time to research everything before you took it.” She looks at me. “You could have done something.”

“It’s not my place. Slayer had a purpose. A destiny. And she fulfilled that.”

“You, of all people, should understand why I wanted – “

“I get it, Red, I do. But it’s time to move on. Time to let her go, yeah?”

“I think she’s in hell, Spike.”

“You don’t know – “

“It’s the only thing that makes sense! We can’t leave her there!”

“To be frank with you, I don’t think it makes any kind of sense.” I pause before asking, “You don’t know any other way, do you? A different way to get her back?”

She frowns, breathing out the words through a left-over sob. “There’s a spell. But it’s impossible. You need a special urn and it looks like they’re non-existent. We’ve looked everywhere.”

“We?”

“Tara, Xander, Anya…” She sighs and sniffles. “It’s useless.”

“Good.”

“How can you say that? Don’t you want her back?”

“Course I do. But I understand the rules of the game. Promise me, Willow. Promise me you won’t try and bring her back.”

“I won’t.”

I narrow my eyes at her, not sure how to read that statement. “Promise.”

“I…”

“Red,” I say in warning.

“Who’s up for pizza?” Xander asks, interrupting.

Stupid wanker.

“Ooh, I am!” Willow exclaims and I’m sure she’s happier about not having to continue the conversation than she is about the pizza having.

“Then a patrol. Spike?” Xander asks and I admit I’m surprised that I’m invited. Especially by him.

“Couple of more cups of blood and I’ll be good as new,” I answer and I will be. “But first I want your word, Willow. I want you to tell me you won’t try anything else.”

“Fine.”

“What are you two talking about?” Xander asks.

I open my mouth but Willow cuts me off. “I said I wouldn’t. The urn is long gone. Now we can drop it?”

“He knows about the urn?” Xander’s nervous which is interesting to me.

“Spike was concerned. But I told him that we have no way of getting her back. The circle was it and - since he failed to use if for anything good - it’s over. Buffy’s gone.”

I love when they talk about me like I’m not in the room.

Xander puts his arm over Willow’s shoulder and kisses her forehead. “We’ll make it through. She’d want us to.”

“I know,” she agrees, softly. “I just wish we could have done something – “

“Letting her rest is doing everything, Willow,” I tell her and she nods and I want to believe her.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There’s rustling next to me and I open my eyes warily to see Dawn fussing beside me. Her back is to me and when she turns, she’s surprised to see me awake again. She has a fresh cold cloth in her hand and she leans over me to place it on my head. I move out of the way and she glares at me.

“Don’t make me call the guys in here to hold you down,” she warns and I roll my eyes, conceding. “So, where did you go? Can you talk about it?”

“Can I? Yes. Do I want to? Not particularly,” I tell her, truthfully and she nods. “I’m sorry, bit, but – “

“Did you see her?”

“I did.”

“That must’ve been nice.”

“It was.”

“You’re really not going to tell me?” she whines, pouting a little which makes me smile because I see what she’s trying to do. Damn Summers women.

“Maybe one day.”

She suddenly looks sheepish as she reaches under the couch and brings up a leather bound book.

“I got this for you.”

My brow furrows as I take it from her. It’s beat-up, cracked on the face and spine, the leather fraying at the edges. I open it carefully and see what it is immediately without having to read it.

Behnri’s journal.

“Where’d you get this?”

“They were reading it when you were gone. They kept arguing about it so I thought that it might be important.”

“You thought right.”

“And I figured you’d want to read it, too. I wasn’t sure if they would let you.”

“You nicked this for me?”

She nods, her cheeks flushing.

“It means a lot, niblet. We thought they wouldn’t give it to me if I asked.”

“We?” And the hopeful look on her face kills me and I really need to learn to shut my gob and end a sentence.

“Big sis wanted me to read this when I got back and now I can. Because of you.”

She smiles, nice and big, something I haven’t seen since before Buffy died. She gets off the couch and asks, “Do you need anything else?”

I shake my head, watching her leave before I settle in to do some reading.

………………………………

There’s a lot to read, unless you’re the Watcher or Red, both of whom I’m not, thankfully. I feel like I’ve been reading for hours and when I glance at the clock, I see that I’m right. Fanning the chunk of pages I still have to read, I sigh, frustrated. I don’t see anything that would have caused Buffy to make me promise to read it when I got back. If it was to find some answers, I’ve got nothing so far. It’s all things we had sussed out on our own.

Hiding the book under the blanket, I grab my mug before heading into the kitchen. I open the fridge and see a few bags of blood. I wonder who had that fun job. If it was Xander, I’m sure he loved doing that for me. I rip the bag open and pour the contents into the mug. Unfortunately, it’s not the Kiss the Librarian mug and I smile when I remember the last time I saw it.

I hear a noise behind me and turn to see Giles standing on the other side of the island. I also notice that he has placed a box of Wheatabix there. I know I’m looking at him suspiciously and he smiles a little to break the ice.

“Thought you might want it.”

“Are you calling a truce?”

“You could say that.”

“I get it,” I say and I don’t hide my bitterness. Why should I be bothered?

“Get what?” he asks as he sits at one of the stools.

I put my mug in the microwave, trying to bide my time before I answer. “You think it’s okay to be nice to me now that she’s dead. ’Cos I can’t cause any problems or tempt her or whatever rot you thought before.”

“I can under – “

“No. You see me as a killer. You all do. I’m good enough to get in the fray when need be but I shouldn’t be allowed to be near your precious Slayer. That’s over now, Watcher.”

“Yes, yes, it is,” he responds, sadly.

I nod and drink down the blood.

“How far have you gotten?”

“Pardon?”

“Don’t play dumb with me, Spike.”

“I’m surprised you think I’m playing,” I tell him. I lean back against the counter and cross my arms over my chest. I want a cigarette.

“I would have given you the book.”

I know my skepticism on that point is showing through. It is clearly beyond my control to purse my lips and cock an eyebrow.

“She…highlighted,” he explains with a shudder, seemingly unsure how to continue. “She put notes in it.”

I nod, hiding my smile. “That was just a few days ago…for me.”

“Do you think you changed anything? Is this – “ Giles moves his hands in front of him – “because you went back? Do you think you caused – “

Holding up my hand, I stop him mid-sentence. “I’m not talking about that – “

“You most certainly will. I want to know.” He slams his palm on the island and I respect his frustration but it’s going to take something more than that to get me to start talking.

“We all want for things, Watcher.”

“How do you know that what you’ve done didn’t cause her to die?”

“She was bound to die at some point. Saving the world from diva hell goddess is as good a time as any.”

Giles shakes his head and removes his glasses. Now I’m in for it.

“I understand you two shared…something…when you went back,” he begins and his voice is so eerily calm that I’ll admit it puts me on edge. “I’m not asking you to divulge anything that she may have told you in confidence nor am I requesting you give me every detail of your time with her. I’m looking for answers – “

“As am I,” I tell him. “Isn’t that what the diary is for?”

He nods. “Yes, it helps but that’s not…Do you think going back altered our lives?”

“Of course. How could it not?”

His eyes widen for a brief moment before he checks himself. “In what ways?”

I shake my head. “You’re not that clever. You’re asking me the same question that I already told you – “

“Let’s try a different tactic, shall we?”

I frown. “Haven’t you already?”

“She is my Slayer. I need to know. I have to know.”

I groan. He’s a right bastard this one. I think I know how to play them all so well, I never really think that they can do the same to me. But here I am, getting and letting myself be conned. I still don’t want to tell him a thing because I want to keep those moments, the memories of them to myself, to have them be mine and mine alone.

And, hell, by not telling him I get to stick it to him a little for all the shit they lay on me. Selfish and mean? Sure, but I need some jollies in life.

“She told me I helped her,” I confess, hating it and myself for caving just because he got a little long in the face over her. When did I become such a fucking pushover? Christ.

He smiles slightly. “How?”

“Specifically? I think picking her up when she was not exactly feeling her Slayer best.” He nods like he already expected that and it strikes my interest. “You have something to add to that, Watcher?”

“You didn’t answer my question before, how far have you read in the diary?” When I try - once again - to act like I don’t know what he’s referring to, he cuts me off. “It’s been missing since you’ve been back. It doesn’t take an Oxford degree to figure things out.”

“Fair enough – and no need to throw around your accomplishments, Rupert. We all know you’re bloody brilliant.” He laughs a little and I hate to admit that I’m enjoying this. He’s not such a sod when he’s not actively hating and blaming you for everything that has ever happened. “To be honest, I feel like I’ve been reading forever and nothing valuable is coming of it. I don’t get why she needed me to read it.”

“She told you to?”

Nodding, I say, “She made me promise.” Quietly, I add, remembering, “I always keep my promises to her.”

“I suspect that to be true.”

I narrow my eyes. “Don’t try to butter me up.”

He looks shocked. “I’m not!”

“Then what’s all this for? I barely believe you lot took anything the Slayer and I shared together seriously. Now, you’re suddenly on the Spike’s Not That Bad Bandwagon? Agreeing to things that not a month ago you’d rather be drawn and quartered for before admitting they might be true. I don’t know what game you’re playing – “

“She loved you.”

His words feel like an anvil’s been dropped on my chest. Can’t seem to say a word, either. I can only stare at him, my mouth opening and closing, trying to form words to respond and failing.

“Buffy loved you, Spike. She was in love with you. Do you understand?”

Huffing, I answer, “Yeah, Watcher, I understand what love means. Thank you very much.” My mind is racing and I start pacing, wanting to believe him but knowing he had to be wrong. He had to be. “You don’t know that. She never – “

“She never had to. Behnri’s Circle wouldn’t have worked for you if she hadn’t. I had been mistaken all those years ago – “

“Wait, you made a mistake?” I tease because I can and I have to right now.

Giles rolls his eyes and it’s funny how much she has influenced us all, without us even noticing it half the time.

“The original book made the error, actually – “

“Oh, of course.”

“Like most things from hundreds of years ago, it was one person telling another who told another and so on. Things do tend to get a bit muddled when that occurs,” he explains, defensively. “We’re not sure how Behnri got the circle. We thought it had been a cultural artifact that he himself had made powerful but – “

“Not the case?”

He shakes his head. “No and the more we read, the more we realized how his story parallels yours, Spike.”

“Vampire?”

“No, not that. He was human. A man in love with a woman he couldn’t have.” Giles sighs and I can see he’s uneasy talking to me about this. “Joyce kept some Scotch. Would you like some?” And before I can answer, he’s at a cabinet in the kitchen, pulling down boxes of goods until he uncovers her hidden liquor.

Grabbing two glasses from behind me, I give them to him, neither of us saying anything until we each have had a drink. Or ten.

The Scotch could be better but it goes down just fine and warms me from the inside out. Giles is pouring more into our glasses before I’ve even put it back on the counter top. This Watcher I can definitely get used to. We’ve had half the bottle by the time Giles decides he’s appropriately soused and turns to lean against the counter, his arms crossed over his chest, still holding onto his glass.

“He was in love with a young woman below his own class and he was willing to leave it behind for her, to be with her but she…she was murdered. And he decided to do something about it. Unfortunately, the diary is a little vague on the details of how the circle came to be – “

“The diary is from the horse’s mouth, he never said?”

“No,” Giles answers, shaking his head. “It says only that Behnri had jumped around from time to time so often and for so long, there were parts of his memory that he couldn’t quite remember how it all happened. After a certain point, the circle was just a part of him and he a part of the circle.”

“That’s all well and good, Watcher, but how does that make him like me? Because he loved some bird who couldn’t be his? Who hasn’t?” I say with a shrug.

He sighs loudly, clearly annoyed with me and gulping his Scotch down before turning to look at me. “He changed things, saved her over and over again. He made his life to find her wherever she went, however she ended up.”

“Reincarnation?” I ask, my voice tinged with my doubt and sarcasm.

“He believed he found her every time, no matter what and he would stay with her until she was gone.”

“Glutton for punishment that one. Not my idea of a good time, Watcher. I don’t plan on going loopty loo in time anymore. I’m done. Gave Red back the circle. I know she’s gone.”

“According the diary, the circle is driven by love. I don’t know how, I don’t know why but Behnri was adamant that it was. He would never have been able to find her if she hadn’t loved him in return – “

“Slayer loved the witch and you and the boy. Any one of you would have been able to get to her – “

“You’re not listening – “

“You’re not listening,” I interrupt. “I don’t want to hear this, understand? I don’t want to know this. The circle worked because I loved her and wanted to help her. End of story. Got it?”

Giles stares at me, his eyes searching my face for answers that my stony expression is not going to give him. I walk past him and almost make it out of the kitchen when I hear him say my name. I look over my shoulder but don’t respond, waiting.

“If you never went back, Angelus would have killed her.”

“You don’t know – “

“I have it on good authority that you saved her quite a few times. If you didn’t go back, we wouldn’t be standing here today. It’s an interesting thing.” He waves his hand at me, letting me know he’s done and I get to just outside the archway when I hear him say, “Just keep reading. Forget Behnri’s part, Spike, and read hers.”

………………………………………………..

I sit on the back porch, in the same spot I sat months ago, comforting her, not knowing that I’d actually been doing that for years. It was all so strange, really, and as I open the diary, flipping to the back, I can’t help but wonder how hard it must have been for her. To be…friendly…with me and to have to hate me at the same time. I’m sure the latter was an easier option but - and maybe this is a little on the side of crazy - maybe she was so mean to me at times because I wasn’t the Spike that she had formed a friendship with. Maybe she took it out on me because it is me and yet isn’t –

Oh, for the bloody love of all things unholy, I think I know what can cause the chip to explode. Thinking about this enough is either going to disintegrate that awful thing once and for all or I’m going to be bleed through my eyeballs. Possibly both.

I see her handwriting and stop short, taking in a sharp breath. Why am I nervous to read this? Why does any of this even matter now? Do I really need to know the whys or hows? It happened. It gave me something of her that will stay with me for the rest of my unlife. It gave me a part of her that no one else ever had. That should be enough. Why ruin it with explanations that will take away from it?

Shaking my head, I light a cigarette. Because she wanted me to read it.

And, also, I’m a nosey bastard and nothing can keep me away from this.

Her handwriting is girly, but still strong with certain letters loopy and big and others made with a certainness that can only lead me to wonder what she was thinking of when she wrote it. I can picture her starting to write her entry and stopping, rolling her eyes, almost embarrassed by what she’s doing and then continuing on because she wants us to know the truth of what has happened. She wants me to know the reasons why but I can’t help but smile that she did it more for them. To let them know what I had done for her.

I’m not very good at explanations. I leave all that to Giles but he doesn’t know this is still happening. Was happening, I should say. Tonight will be the last night that I will see you or either Spike. I only have a few minutes to get this all down and I apologize ahead of time for my lack of technical terms or any concrete evidence as to the whys. I can only tell you my experience and I hope that it should help you understand a little better. And, maybe, warrant Spike a little understanding, as well. That includes you, Xander.

We all met Spike before the Teacher’s conference night but Giles and I met him again a few weeks after, before Halloween. We didn’t know what to think of it and there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t wonder why that time. Why did he come to me at that time when all I knew of him was “eek, scary vampire?” But for that Spike, he had known me for four years, had loved me for just as long, I think. By the time he found the circle and wished to be someplace else, I..well, I loved him, too. Granted, I felt this way because of him coming to me and the help he gave. I know, I know. It’s all high on the confusion meter and swiftly heading into exploding brain territory but think of it like The Terminator, and if you don’t know, Xander will be happy to explain it. In detail. For many, many hours.

I’ll try to make this as easy on the noggin as I can. I believe the reason why Spike came to me when I was sixteen is because I felt lost. I was confused about my calling, my place in the world and what it all meant, especially after that whole dying thing that I’m now a pro at, and I wasn’t looking for answers from Giles. Nor did I want them from Angel. I felt very much alone a lot of the time, and I especially felt that no one would understand what I was going through. I didn’t even feel comfortable enough to talk to Willow about it and she always tried to understand. I think the current me, who was aware that Spike found the circle after I…you know, after that, was focused on having him meet me then. Because he knows me…he knows Slayers. He does. I trusted him to be able to approach me and figure it all out and not try to get back to the now too quickly because I would need him to be around to help me out. If he hadn’t made it to then, I don’t know what would have happened. Maybe Angelus would have won. Maybe Adam would have. Maybe I wouldn’t have ever made it back to Sunnydale after I sent Angel to hell. Say what you will but that vamp gave me the swift kick in the ass that was needed to get me to open my eyes a little bit – the going to hell thing that immediately followed only cemented everything he had already said.

But the important thing is that nothing would change and everything would. Without the one influencing the other, the now wouldn’t exist. It’s a choice and yet not a choice. It’s all that stuff that they tried to teach me in that one class I took on existentialism that Willow thought we’d like but which really only made me want to stab things. A lot. And repeatedly.

Seriously, though, I don’t know what life would be like without the other Spike helping me out along the way. I can’t really stop and think about all the maybes. And I kind of don’t want to. All I can know for sure is everything happens for a reason. It’s all we kept saying to each other and I truly believe that now. I feel good about the fight we’re about to embark on and though I’ve known for a while that it wouldn’t end well, it still won’t stop me from going, from fighting, from doing my duty. I hope that I will get one more moment with the other Spike, to thank him and tell him what he’s done so that when I’m gone, he knows what he did, what he meant. But if I don’t have the opportunity to have that with him, then please give this to him. Please let him know.

It’s strange, really. When I finish this, I will almost be finished and we’ll have no idea what happens next. I almost wish I could be there for it.

Bloody hell.