Summary: Insomnia is a bitch. This is
the sort of thing it produces.
How many Spikes can one
author handle?
Categories: Comedy fics Characters: None
Genres: Parody
Warnings: Adult Language
Challenges: Series: None
Chapters: 1
Completed: Yes
Word count: 1102
Read: 2032
Published: 07/12/2004
Updated: 07/12/2004
1. x by pattyanne
Title: My Favorite Spike
Author: Pattyanne
Summary: A little one act playlet
I did one night when I couldn't
sleep, just for fun. With all the
different incarnations of Spike
running around loose in my head,
I'm not sure which of them I love the
best.
**********************
Cast of characters:
Spike: Caught Between Two Lovers (CBTL)
William St. James: Acting The Part (ATP)
Spike Devlin: Blue Eyed Devil (BED)
William McAllister: Love's A Funny Thing (LAFT)
William Cathcart: Reflection of Love (ROL)
William Darlington: Sweet Sixteen (SS)
********************
(Curtain rises)
Spike (CBTL) is sitting in a beautifully furnished
waiting room. Door opens, and in walks Devlin.(BED)
Spike: What the hell are YOU doing here?
Devlin: Could ask you the same, I suppose. She's
doing me today.
Spike: Like hell, she is! I've been waiting over a
month!
Devlin: Can I help it if she likes me better?
Spike: You're dreaming, songboy. Go play with your
guitar.
Devlin: See, that's why she likes me better. You're
fucking rude!
(Door opens and in walks William St. James (ATP)
Spike and Devlin: (Glaring) What do YOU want?
St. James: Someone said she was doing me today.
Spike: Look, you're both mistaken. Get lost.
St. James: Up yours.
(They all three sit in hostile silence.)
Devlin: I'm her favorite, you know.
Spike: You been standing too close to those amplifiers,
mate. I'M her favorite. Everyone knows that.
St. James: Beg to differ. You seen the amount of
feedback she gets on me?
Spike: (Sneers) Whoopee shit. That just means people
like the story line, not that you're her favorite. And it's
not because of YOU, anyway. It's cause of the kid.
Devlin: I'd like to say one thing. 29, 366 hits at AFF. And
that's just at one site.
Spike: And your point?
Devlin: (Smugly) The numbers don't lie.
St. James: Well, don't get too comfortable in first place. I'm
not far behind.
Spike: How many hits YOU got?
St. James: 21,301. Just at one site. You?
Spike: 13,006. But after all, I'm a vamp. Can't get about
in the day.
Devlin: What's THAT got to do with it?
(The door opens and in walks William Darlington (SS)
Spike: Haven't seen YOU around for a while.
Darlington: (Shrugging) Writer's block.
Devlin: Who's THIS one?
Spike: From Sweet Sixteen. Coming of age thing.
Devlin: (Snickering) Robbing the cradle a bit, is she?
Darlington: What do you mean by that?
Devlin: You're just a kid.
Darlington: Not for much longer.
Spike: You mean you haven't....?
Darlington: Like I'd discuss that with YOU!
Devlin: (Knowingly) He hasn't.
(A light knock at the door.)
All the 'Spikes': WHAT?
(The door opens. William Cathcart (ROL)
sticks his head in.)
Cathcart: Oh, good evening. I'm not sure I'm in the right
place.
Spike: You've got to be joking.
Devlin: Look around the room.
St. James: See any familiar faces?
Cathcart: Is sarcasm really necessary?
Spike: Sometimes, yeah. Sit down and take a load
off, poet.
St. James: He's a poet?
Spike: You COULD call him that. If you were feeling
generous.
Cathcart: I BEG your pardon!?
Spike: He sucks. And not the way I do.
Cathcart: I suppose YOU could do better?
Spike: (Smirking) I could hardly do worse.
Cathcart: In that case, I challenge you, sir!
Spike: What, you mean NOW?
Cathcart: This instant.
Spike: Right, then. 'There was a young girl from
Nantucket, who'd rather chew....'
Cathcart: Never mind!
Spike: But there are three more stanzas.
Cathcart: Pray keep them to yourself. You are crude,
and coarse, and quite unacceptable in civilized society.
Spike: (To Devlin, sotto voce) I knew THIS one was a
mistake as soon as she started it. I mean, really, who in
the world would be interested in reading about some
Victorian mama's boy?
Cathcart: You must be the pedophile everyone's been
talking about.
Spike: Watch, it mate! She gets real pissed off when she
hears that kind of crap. Keep it up and you're liable to
find yourself in the abandoned storyline bin.
Cathcart: (Offended) She would NEVER do such a thing!
She's far too devoted to me.
Devlin: (Laughing) To YOU? You've got, what? Six
chapters? And you haven't 'DONE IT' yet?
Cathcart: Well, that's hardly MY fault, now is it? I
didn't ASK for a magic mirror!
(The door opens, and it's William McAllister (LAFT)
McAllister: I see I've come to the right place.
Devlin: What, ANOTHER one? Is she completely
off her rocker?
Spike: I"m starting to wonder.
St. James: Well, what's HIS story, anyway?
Spike: You wouldn't believe me if I told you.
Devlin: What's THAT mean?
Spike: Means she has a little too much free time on
her hands. (With a sly grin, he looks from one to the
other) So, um...how's the sex over in YOUR neck of the
woods?
Devlin: Fantastic! Hows about yours?
Spike: Best I've ever had.
St. James: Yeah, for me, too. It's amazing.
Cathcart: I'm sure it will be wonderfully tender, but
deeply passionate.
Darlington: I'm working on it, I'm working on it.
(They all look at McAllister for his contribution)
McAllister: Oh, I just got here.
Spike: No worries, mate. Our girl won't let you down.
St. James: Listen, I don't get it. She can't be doing
all of us today, right?
Spike: Right.
St. James: Then why did she bring us all here?
McAllister: I know that answer.
Darlington: How?
McAllister: She told me.
Devlin: Okay, then tell US. What's she planning on
doing with all of us at the same time?
McAllister: Research.
(Long pause)
All of them: Ohhhhhhhh.
(The door opens and in walks Wild Billy ** in
full cowboy regalia...including spurs)
Devlin: Oh, great. We may as well go home.
Spike: What the hell are YOU doing here? You're not
one of her's.
Wild Billy: Got loaned out for the day, on account of
my girl's a bit under the weather.
(On the other side of the room, a door opens to reveal
a receptionist with a perky smile)
Receptionist: She'll see you now.
Devlin: Which one of us?
Receptionist: ALL of you!
(Curtain down)
** (Wild Billy appears courtesy of Vamptastica, even
though I didn't actually tell her about it ahead of time)
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.