Buffy Summers ran her fingers through her wet hair loving the rich musky scent that clung to the strands, she loved using his shampoo. Standing in his shower and squeezing his shampoo into her hand made her feel so warm inside. She stepped out of the shower and grabbed a towel wrapping it securely around her body, it was so large it feel down below her knees and wrapped three times around her petite frame but she didn’t care because it smelt like him.

She walked over to the sink and grabbed her small pink toothbrush and some of his toothpaste. She brushed her teeth slowly, her eyes closed and a soft smile on her lips. She spat some foam into the sink and rinsed it out. She saw him walk past the bathroom door fiddling with his tie, her smile broadened as she put the toothbrush back in its cup.

She walked out and stood in front of him grabbing the tie and quickly created the perfect Windsor knot, it was funny how sometimes it was sexier putting a tie on a man then taking it off. He ran his fingertips up her bare arms and she shivered, he smirked “You look good in my towel” he said in a silky voice, his accent putting that wonderful Spike sound to it. She could pick his voice from any in the world.

She looked up at him and pressed her body into his “I look better out of it” she said in a low voice, she rose onto her tiptoes and pressed her lips against his, she had had him all night and was aching slightly but she didn’t care, she still wanted more.

He groaned slightly as her tiny hand came up to cup his bulge “Love stop I have to get to the office and you should get home”

She nodded reluctantly and walked back into the bathroom and hung up her towel, she walked past him naked and he buried his hands in his pockets to keep from taking her again.

She grabbed her dress from last night and shimmied into it; she quickly located all her things and stuffed them into her hand bag before slipping her heels on. “Don’t forget this” a voice called from the bathroom, Spike walked out, his hair freshly gelled and her little pink toothbrush in his hands.

“Can’t I leave it here?” she asked as she slipped her arms into her coat

“Well then how will you brush your teeth at home?” he asked

She smiled “well I will buy another one at the store today”

“But then you will have two”

The warm feeling dampened slightly “That’s ok, I’ll leave one here”

He smirked a bit and walked toward her “Just take it, save the money” he slipped the toothbrush in her handbag and effectively removed everything of hers from the apartment. It was all his again.

She nodded softly “Ok, well when will I see you next?”

He shrugged and scrolled through his blackberry, not looking at her “I’ll call you when I have some time”

“Maybe you could come to my place and I will cook us dinner” she asked hopefully

“Or I could just take us out” he said as he ushered her out of the apartment and out of his life. She watched him lock the door and he turned to her “Do you need me to call you a cab?” he asked

She shook her head “Nah I’m going to walk home and do some window shopping”

He nodded and planted a soft kiss on her lips “I’ll see you soon gorgeous”

She watched him walk away leaving her behind. The small toothbrush felt like a huge weight in her hand bag pulling her down, the warm feelings from this morning had disappeared and all was left was the harsh pain as reality set in.

She walked through the streets of New York, even though she had showered she still felt dirty, the cocktail dress that had been so perfect last night now felt like a neon sign saying ‘One night stand!’ she pulled her coat tighter around herself and bowed her head. How could she have had a one night stand with a man she had been seeing for over a year?

She reached her apartment and searched through her hand bag for her keys and saw the pink toothbrush, that tiny object that had been the catalyst for her foul mood. She grabbed it and through it in the dumpster, she regretted it immediately of course. Now she didn’t have any toothbrush and would have to spend the money that Spike was so adamant that she save.

She walked into her tiny apartment and threw her bag and coat on the table. She slumped down onto her couch and sighed, he had never been here before. 18 months they had been together and he had never set foot into her apartment, she always went there whenever he called. He would take her to beautiful places and buy her beautiful things and then take her back to his house and make love to her all night.

There is no denying that she loved him, she loved him with everything that she had.

But he wouldn’t even let her leave her toothbrush there.

She sighed and lifted her heavy body from the couch and walked to her bedroom. She stripped her dress off and threw it onto the bed; she stood in front of the mirror. Her hair had gone slightly frizzy from using his shampoo, she shook her head and the scent filled the air. She breathed in deep; everything about the aroma was Spike’s. She though back to the night 18 months ago when she had first breathed in that intoxicating scent.

---

**********18 months ago***********

---

“I’m going to the bar to get a drink” Buffy shouted over the music, her friend Anya nodded and waved her away as she turned back to the man she was grinding against. That was the problem when you went dancing with Anya; you were ditched as soon as her latest conquest walked in.

Buffy bounced over to the bar, the music and lights making her giddy “An Appletini please” she called to the bartender. She pulled a $20 out of her pocket but somebody quicker slapped a $50 on the bar, the bartender took it without question and went on making her drink “Wait that’s wasn’t my money!” Buffy cried as she held out her $20

“Someone as beautiful as you shouldn’t pay for her own drinks” said the sexiest voice ever; she turned around to see the voice matched the man. His face was perfect, the fullest lips, sharpest cheekbones and bright blue eyes set off by platinum blonde hair. He was dressed impeccably in an Armani suit.

She quickly regained her composure “You say that to all the girls?” she asked in a flirty voice, allowing the perfect amount of sass to enter

He raised an eyebrow “That any way to treat the bloke who just bought you a drink?” he asked as he sat down, he bought a cigar to his lips and inhaled deeply before blowing a perfect smoke ring in her direction.

She watched it float away and then turned back to him “Thank you” she said, her lips turning up into a smile. The bartender set her drink down and she picked it up and turned to leave

“What’s the hurry love? You can’t sit and enjoy a drink with me?”

“I would but I came with a friend”

“I don’t think she’ll notice pet” he said as he gestured to Anya with his cigar, Buffy turned, sure enough Anya was wrapped around her conquest, their tongues battling in the middle of the dance floor. She rolled her eyes and sat down “Question, how did you know she was my friend?”

He smirked again, she wondered if he ever smiled “Been watching you dance love, bloody hypnotizing is what it is” A small blush crept up her cheeks as he leant forward “Dance with me” he whispered into her ear, his breath tickling her neck. It was a command not a question.

She took his hand and wordlessly he guided her to the dance floor, a slow sensual beat filled the air as he took her in his arms. The bodies moved together effortlessly, rippling together like water. He ran his fingers up and down her back; she could feel the warmth of his fingertips through the silk of her shirt.

She leant forward and breathed in his scent, it was a mixture of cologne and cigar smoke and something that was just him, it was enthralling. She wrapped her arms around his neck and pressed herself closer, she could feel ever contour and ridge of his body. She looked up at him, biting her lip softly. His eyes had darkened and were filled with lust “Come home with me” he breathed, as his hands once again made her shiver as they danced across her skin. She was powerless to say no.

A week and a half later the call came from Spike, his gorgeous voice rang out from her machine as she listened to her messages. She knew she was stupid, she jumped when he asked but it was like he was a drug and she was so badly addicted.

She peeled off her office clothes and threw them in the hamper. She quickly changed and packed a small overnight bag; she grabbed her new toothbrush and stuffed it in the bag. She tried to ignore the feelings that she now associated with the whole toothbrush thing; this was just how Spike was she’d known this from the start.

20 minutes later she was ringing his doorbell, within seconds the door shot open and an arm pulled her inside and she was pulled flush against a hard body, she dropped her bag on the floor and moaned as his lips caressed her neck “Do you greet everyone like this?” she asked in a breathy voice

He smirked against her neck “I’m very popular with the mail man” he pulled away and looked down at her “I don’t know why you bother with so many clothes” he undid the first button on her jeans “They come right off anyway”

She knew he was being funny but the comment made her heart clench, she closed her eyes and tried to ignore it and get lost in the feeling. It was easier than anticipated, his lips found hers as his hands began to undress her, peeling her clothes away and touching the burning flesh beneath. Soon she was completely lost in it all.

He led her over to the bed, laying her naked body down before worshipping every inch of her with his lips. It was moments like this where she thought he could love her as much as she loved him, the tender caresses and the gentle nips at her skin. It was all for her so she could feel good.

Their coupling was quick and passionate; she lay there after tangled in the sheet, her body glistening with perspiration. He looked down at her, a cocky grin on his face “I think this is my favorite way of seeing you” he purred, he licked along her collar bone, she tasted salty and sweet “Thoroughly fucked”

She smiled and rolled over, wrapping her arms around his waist. He quickly pulled away and planted a soft kiss on her lips “Got some work to do love” he said before he jumped out of the bed and headed towards his study in all his naked glory.

Buffy lay there for a few moments; he would never stay in bed with her. He could never just hold her in his arms for a few moments after sex. She looked down at the burgundy sheets, never had Egyptian cotton felt so cheap. She threw them off in disgust and headed for the bathroom.

She let the hot water run over her washing his claim off her body. She reached for his shampoo but then stopped; for once she didn’t want to smell like him. She turned the shower off and walked past his towel to grab a clean one, she inhaled deeply; it smelt like fabric softener and detergent. She wrapped it around her and shivered slightly.

She walked out and saw Spike sitting on the bed in his robe, his glasses perched on the end of his nose as he read the paper. She sifted through her overnight bag “You know, if I could leave some clothes here I wouldn’t have to bother wearing any over” she said in a teasing tone

“Where would you put them?” he asked in a monotone voice as his brow furrowed and he pulled the paper closer

She looked at his huge walk in wardrobe “Surely you have a spare drawer”

He looked up “I have a lot of ties” he said with a raised eyebrow

Her heart was heavy in her chest, there was really no hope. She had fallen in love with the unattainable man. She knew that she had to stop, she had to be stronger then her addiction otherwise it would overpower her. She sighed softly and began dressing; she walked into the bathroom and hung her towel on the rack.

She turned to leave but stopped.

She walked into the shower, grabbed his shampoo, lifted the lid and breathed deep. The scent filled her nostrils. His scent. She closed her eyes and willed away the tears.

She went back into the room and watched him for a moment. She walked over and pressed a kiss to his temple “Goodbye Spike”

“Leaving so soon pet?” He looked up, oblivious to the pain in her eyes “You just got here”

“I know but I’ve already been here to long, it’s time for me to go now” the double meaning was lost on him.

He nodded and grabbed her hand, he weaved their fingers together and placed a gentle kiss on the top of her hand “I’ll see you soon Princess”

She didn’t answer, she was afraid that everything would spill out if she opened her mouth. The declarations of love, the questions, and all the emotion she had swirling around inside of her begged to come out. But she kept her lips pressed tight and nodded slightly before walking out his apartment and his life.

2 weeks later Buffy was repainting her bathroom, she knew she had to keep herself busy otherwise she would go to him. She was covered in flecks of green, a deep olive green that she had fallen in love with at the hardware store.

The cute man at the sales counter had smiled and told her it matched her eyes, 18 months ago she would have smiled back and said something equally charming, but she had just handed over her credit card and looked down at the floor.

She wondered if she would ever stop feeling broken.
She swept the roller over the wall, admiring the colour as it transformed her bathroom. She had repainted her kitchen last week and bought new sheets for her bedroom on the weekend. Her new addiction was renovating and it was an expensive one.

The phone rang but she made no move to answer it, she was heavily into screening mode at the moment. Her chirpy voice filled the apartment followed by a shrill beep and then the voice that made her heart clench.

She closed her eyes as she let the sound wash over her, his melodic voice asking her to a dinner party that weekend. God it was hard, it was like dangling a needle full of heroin in front of a recovering addict.
She focused on painting, rolling up and down, making sure the paint was going on even.

*I can’t wait to see you princess, I’ve missed you*

Her hands clenched around the roller. He missed her, it had been 2 weeks and he missed her, a small smile played on her lips as she moved to put the roller down. It was then she saw it, out the corner of her eye.
Her toothbrush

She closed her eyes and pursed her lips. Nothing would change, she would ring him and run into his arms and then he would push her away when he had had his fill. She tried to focus on painting but the tears blurring her vision made it difficult.

7 weeks

That was how long it had been, and those 7 weeks had been filled with message after message from Spike.

She was proud of herself for being so strong but it didn’t mean that she didn’t hurt every day, that she didn’t feel a stab of longing every time his voice rang out from her machine. She ached for him.

Her apartment however had never looked better, the walls were freshly painted in warm earthy tones, new cushions adorned her sofas, her bed had new linens and kitchen stocked with new plates and cutlery. She lounged on her sofa, a book in her hands and her cat Monty curled up next to her. She was relaxed in her blue gym shorts and a white tank.

She ran her fingers through Monty’s thick coat, he purred in pleasure she smiled down at him. a sharp knock on the door jolted her and sent Monty skidding off the couch and to the door, yowling loudly. Who needed a guard dog?

She walked over and pulled the door open.
There he was

All the burning and longing and needing intensified, she itched to run her fingers through his hair, to pull him close and breathe in his scent, to just be in his arms again.

“Oh so you are alive” he said in a sarcastic tone

She blinked a few times, unsure what to say “Um…” she licked her lips “How did you get in?”

“Bribed the doorman to let me up” he pushed past her and walked into her apartment

“How did you know where I lived?”

He looked at her “I pay attention, listened when you told cab drivers and such”

She felt oddly touched that he knew that small piece of information “What are you doing here?” she asked in a small voice

“Came to see if you were ok” he crouched down and scratched Monty behind the ears, the cat melted into Spike’s hands and Buffy was incredibly jealous. He looked back at her “You haven’t been returning my calls or even answering your phone” he stood up and walked over to her “It’s been 7 weeks Buffy, you tryin’ to give me the brush off?”

She glanced down at her feet, shuffling slightly, she looked up, he was closer then she expected. “We want different things Spike” she whispered

“What? It’s been over a year and you decide now that we want different things?”

She sighed heavily, this hurt so much to say, she had hoped he would just forget about her and she would eventually move on “We’re to different Spike, we are different people who want different things”

“I want you Buffy” he said in a voice so sincere that it broke her heart

“You say that now but-” her voice cracked “You can’t even make room for me in your life” her eyes welled up “I won’t hear from you in weeks and then all of sudden you call me over for one night”

“I call you when I have time Buffy, the second I have time I ring you” he said in a voice that was almost pleading

“No because even when you do have the time you hold me at arm’s length” she wiped away her tears, embarrassed to be crying in front of him “You won’t even hold me after we make love”

He looked at the pain in her eyes, the pain he caused. He had no idea he had made her feel this way, no idea that he had pushed her so far. He looked away, ashamed of himself “I’m sorry Buffy” he backed away slowly, before turning and heading for the door.

“I’m in love with you”

Those words stopped him, his hand on the door handle. Words he had never heard said to him, words that had such emotion and meaning behind them.

“I needed to say that, I needed you to know before you walked out” it was easier to speak when his back was turned “I’ve been in love with you since the night we met” she closed her eyes “But it wouldn’t work because I want somebody who loves me with everything they have, somebody who makes time for me and wants to be with me… someone who can give me a drawer at their god damn apartment” She was really crying now, her words coming out in harsh sobs.

He squeezed the door handle so tight his knuckles turned white, god the sound of her crying hurt him in ways he didn’t know he could hurt. But he couldn’t give her those things; he couldn’t be the man she needed. He didn’t even know how to be that man.

She stood there sobbing, wishing he would turn around. Hoping he would run to her and scoop her up and never stop kissing her. He didn’t move, he stood there with his back turned, his hand grasping the door handle. “Please just go Spike” she squeezed her eyes shut so she wouldn’t have to see him leave.

The sound of the door slamming broke her heart.

*****************************

Buffy tried to hail a cab but her arms were so laden with bags that she struggled to raise her arm high enough. It had been 3 weeks since she ended it with Spike and she had since then maxed out 3 credit cards, she was going for a credit card a week.

As the fourth cab drove by without slowing down she decided that this was her punishment for spending too much, she turned and began slowly walking down the foot path. The people of New York rushed around her but she didn’t notice, the bustle of the city and the deafening noises fell on deaf ears.

Somebody bumped into her causing her to stagger lightly on the footpath, but again she didn’t notice.

She was passing a Chinese restaurant. It was the best on this block, it served her favorite lemon chicken and he was a fan of the duck omelet. It had been there Chinese restaurant. They would come here on a Sunday night and order take out, they’d go back to his apartment, eat it in bed and then they would make love.

A lone tear trickled down her cheek; her hands were so full that she couldn’t brush it away. So she let it make its path down her face, a tiny, salty badge of heartbreak.

She continued her walk. A man selling flowers waved a bunch of lilies under her nose, the sweet smell bought a soft smile to her lips. He had bought her lilies. The day after their first night together she had opened her door to find 6 young men, each carrying huge vases full of lilies. Her apartment had been filled with the sweet aroma for weeks.

Would she ever stop thinking of him?

Everything she did, everything she saw reminded her of him. This entire city was full of memories that had once made her happy but now all they did was hurt her.

She needed to get away.

Buffy stood outside the travel agency; she looked at the posters adorning the windows, Beautiful exotic places, Hawaii, Paris, Australia. Every picture showed a man and a woman doing something incredibly touristy while looking at each other with all the love in the world.

She cringed, would she look completely pathetic if she booked one of these romantic holidays for one? She looked at the posters, would she really have that much fun on the Eiffel tower by herself? Would she have that look of pure joy while she petted a fluffy koala?

She shook her head slightly and walked away. She had finished work for the day and her feet were tired and sore but she hated the subway and didn�t have much cash for a cab fare. She walked slowly, enjoying the soft breeze tousle her hair. She closed her eyes for a moment and stood in the middle of the footpath, why did she want to leave this city? It had everything

She opened her eyes. And there was her reason.

There he was seated a few meters away at a sidewalk caf�.

Rule number one of a breakup, never stop thinking about him because the moment you do he will appear.

She looked around quickly, desperate for a place she could hide, there was nowhere and if she turned around she would be heading further away from her apartment. He was looking down at his paper and she knew the second he raised his eyes he would see her, she was in his direct line of vision.

She had no choice; she turned around quickly and disappeared into the throng of people.

She walked along berating herself. How stupid was she? Running away from her ex on the street, she was walking the wrong way to her apartment and had no money for a cab fare. Who knew how long he would be sitting there?

She needed to get away that was for sure, she walked into the travel agent she had passed earlier. She approached an older woman behind the counter �Hi, I�d like to book a one way ticket to Sunnydale�

She was going home.

****

Buffy hung up from her mother; she had had a hard time explaining the reason behind her sudden trip. Her mum had known of Spike but hadn�t met him.

�So how long are you coming home for Buffy?� she had asked in a worried tone

�I don�t know yet mom, my ticket is one way so when I decided to come home I guess� she was going through her wardrobe and tossing things into an open suitcase

Her mother sighed �What did Spike do to hurt you so much sweetie? It�s not like you to runaway�

Buffy stopped �It�s not what he did, it�s what he didn�t do� she caught her reflection in her mirror, her face was full of sadness and her eyes were dull and lifeless. She wasn�t even running away from him anymore, she was running away from this feeling. This hollow, desperate feeling.

�I just need to feel happy again mom� she said in a small voice �I don�t think I can feel that here�

�Oh Buffy� her mom whispered �I�ll see you at the airport�

�Thank you�

A few days later Buffy stood outside her childhood home, her mother�s arm wrapped around her �Welcome home baby� she whispered to her middle child

Buffy wrapped her arms around her mother and hugged her tight �I love you mommy�

Joyce�s eyes filled with tears, she hated seeing her daughter in so much pain, Strong, independent Buffy hugging her mother as though she was 6 years old again. Joyce pulled back and brushed her daughters hair out her eyes, Buffy had always seemed beyond her years but at the moment Joyce wouldn�t have believed her daughter was 23.

The door burst open and a tall gangly teen came bursting out �Buffy!� screamed 17 year old Dawn as she ran to her older sister.

Buffy smiled and ran to meet her sister; she almost had to stand on her tip toes to hug her �Oh my god Dawny stop growing!�

Dawn smirked �You�re just jealous because you�re the short ass of the family�

�Dawn don�t say ass� their mother admonished

Dawn rolled her eyes and grabbed her sister�s hand, they walked into the kitchen and Buffy was enveloped in another warm hug. Buffy closed her eyes and squeezed her big brother tight �Who�s the guy and how big is he?� he whispered in her ear

Buffy smiled and pulled away �You could take him any day Angel�

He smiled but his eyes remained somber �Seriously are you ok?�

She nodded �Better now, help me get my bags?�

They walked out and together lugged 5 suitcases inside �My god Buff, how long are you planning on staying?�

�Until it stops hurting�

************

Spike paced around his apartment his phone held tightly in his hand. It had been 6 weeks and he was going crazy, everyday he picked up the phone to ring her but couldn�t go through with it.

He missed her more than he ever imagined he would. Nothing was the same without her, every single day he berated himself for losing her, for not holding her closer to him, not letting her inside.

He was afraid that if he let her inside it would hurt all the more if he lost her.

Well he had lost her and it hurt like hell.

Finally he threw the phone on the bed, a phone call wasn�t enough. He needed to see her, hear her voice and feel her in his arms.

An hour later he stood outside her building arguing with her doorman �Look mate you have buzzed me in before, I just need to see her�

The man shook his head �I am sorry Ms Summers is not here�

�I know mate but let me in and I�ll just leave these and go� he held up a bunch of lilies �I�ll be 2 minutes�

�Ms Summers will not be back for a while�

�What do you mean?�

�She has gone home to see her family�

Spike�s heart dropped �How long for?�

The doorman shrugged �She did not say, but she had lots of luggage�

Spike turned and walked away, she had left and he had no idea if she was coming back. He threw the bouquet of lilies in the bin as he walked past.

What the hell had he done?

Buffy sat in the kitchen reading the Sunnydale paper; she smiled at the familiarity of it all. She had been here for 2 months now and it was like she never left, Dawn was always rifling through her clothes looking for things to borrow. Her mother chided her for inappropriate language and her brother was always hanging around even though he lived down the street with his girlfriend. It wasn’t unusual for the pair to spend the night and hang around over weekends.

Buffy sipped her coffee as her brother chased his girlfriend Cordelia down the stairs “Stop it Angel!” she shrieked as she skidded past. She got to one side of the kitchen island and he came to the other side. He stared at her with a predatory look in his eye.

“I will get you Cordy” he said in a serious tone. He walked slowly around the island, inching towards her. She giggled and he smiled “And when I get you, I’m going to tickle the hell out of you”

He lunged at her and she made a feeble effort to escape. Soon she was in his arms and Angel lowered his head to capture her lips in a sweet kiss. Buffy could see where this was going and cleared her throat, he looked up and noticed her for the first time “Sorry sis, didn’t see you there”

Cordy smiled “Sleep well?” she asked and then shrieked with laughter as Angel dug his fingers into her side.

They were so in love it was nauseating; they had this wonderful, serious relationship that still had so much fun and laughter in it, and passion. She saw the way they looked at each other and it made her sick with envy. She wanted that.

Angel grabbed the juice carton and took a swig of it, Cordy screwed up her nose “Get a glass Liam” she said in a disgusted voice

Angel smirked at her and lifted the carton to his lips and took another slow sip in a taunting gesture. She shook her and turned to Buffy “Any plans for the day?”

Buffy nodded and closed the paper “I was thinking of packing up and booking my ticket back to New York”

Angel put the carton down “So soon? We just got used to having you back here”

“It’s been 2 months Angel, I can’t hide forever”

Cordy walked over and wrapped her arms around her shoulder “Stay for a bit longer, you and I have barely gotten to hang out”

Buffy smiled up at her, it was nice to be back home, where she felt warm and accepted and her job had only been a temporary position so they wouldn’t care. She patted Cordy’s arm “You’ve convince me”

Cordelia gave her a squeeze “Do you want to go shopping?” she asked as Angel rolled his eyes

Buffy nodded “Let me run up and change”
**********************

Spike lay on his bed flicking through television channels. His perfect apartment was in complete disarray with clothes and objects strewn all over the place, his platinum hair had grown out so an inch of dark brown roots were showing. He ran his fingers through his curls, they were greasy and matted. He didn’t really care.

He flicked onto the movie channel just in time to see Richard Gere riding up in a limousine holding flowers up to the chit with the big lips. He remembered this movie; it was the one about the guy falling for the hooker. Buffy had made him watch it and gotten all weepy at this part.

The characters on screen kissed passionately.

He scoffed; did things like that ever really go to plan? That big romantic gesture that won back the girl and led them to happily ever after, the handsome man winning back his lady love.

He flicked the channel over and saw some crying man cradling his love in his arms. Spike groaned, what was it chick flick hour? He remembered watching this one with Buffy as well, he had watched her as she cried and tried not to laugh. She had thrown pillows at him and called him heartless.

‘The greatest thing you will ever learn is just to love and be loved in return’

Those words stopped him. It was one of those ridiculous one liners from a love movie but for some reason it hit him, all his life he had strived to move himself forward in life. He graduated top of his class and at 31 was already head of a corporate company, he was always looking for new things to learn, for new ways that he could further himself.

But what did he have to show for it?

He looked around his empty apartment, it was full of expensive things but it wasn’t a home. It wasn’t even warm and comfortable, the only time he felt happy in it was when…

His eyes widened

Was when Buffy was in it.

He had pushed away the one thing in his life that made it worth anything, the one thing that made him happy and comfortable. All of his life he had learnt to do these amazing things with numbers and figures but he had never learnt how to love, just to love someone and let them in his life.

He really was heartless.

Spike now knew the true meaning of what an epiphany was. He jumped up and raced to his wardrobe, the threw open the door and grabbed out a suitcase, he began ripping clothes off the hangers and stuffing them in. his mind was going a mile a minute as he wrinkled his tailor made suits, as he crushed his silk shirts and probably ripped a few pairs of trousers. He ran to the phone and called the travel agent.

He booked the first leaving ticket to Sunnydale.

He was going to find his girl.
***************************

Buffy wandered through the mall, her arms were laden with bags as she Cordelia walked into yet another shoe store “My god Cordy, don’t you have enough pairs of shoes by now?” she asked in disbelief as Cordelia browed the tables.

“Bite your tongue, there is no such thing as to many shoes”

Buffy laid her bags on the ground and sat down on a chair, shopping with Cordelia was exhausting. You visited every store at least twice just in case you missed something the first time.

She looked around the busy mall as the people milled around, going about their daily business “Cordelia do you want to grab some-” she stopped, she stood up quickly. It couldn’t be?

She ran out the shop, Cordelia calling after her but she didn’t hear her. She ran through the crowds of people, weaving through the shoppers, dodging prams and trolleys.

She had seen him.

She approached the man walking a head of her, the platinum blonde curls, the broad shoulders encased in a suit jacket. She itched the throw her arms around him. She grabbed his arm and he turned back and looked at her.

Buffy stepped away, dropping his arm as though it had burnt her “Oh my god I’m so sorry, I thought you were someone I knew”

The man smiled and continued on. Buffy watched him walk away feeling more stupid then she ever had in her life. What the hell would Spike be doing here? She quickly wiped her eyes as she heard footsteps behind her. God she was an idiot, a comforting hand lay on her shoulder.

“I really thought it was him” she whispered, as the tears spilled over onto her cheeks “I was so happy for those few seconds” she turned and faced Cordelia “How could he still make me that happy when he hurt me so much?”

Cordelia smiled at her friend softly “Because you love him, and no amount of running is going to stop that”

She had tried to run away but it really wasn't working

Buffy quietly folded her clothes and placed them in her suitcase. She was standing in her old room that hadn’t changed at all, she looked around, the bookcase was filled with her old diaries and high school yearbooks. The mirror was plastered with photos of her with old friends. The wall opposite her bed was covered in black scuff marks from when she was 8 years old and though it was a great idea to do handstands against the wall in her Mary Janes.

This room was everything she used to be; she walked over to her shelf and pulled down her old cheering pom poms. She gave them a shake and they rustled noisily, she set them down again and wandered over to the mirror. Hundreds of photos depicted her high school years, photos of her cheering at football games and dancing at the Bronze.

She was front and centre in every photo, a huge smile on her face and her arms wrapped around her closest friends Willow and Xander.

She didn’t take many photos any more. She wasn’t sure why, there was a time when she didn’t go anywhere without a camera, just in case there was a moment she needed to capture. Now she just let those moments pass by.

Buffy walked over to one of her suitcases, she dug around the bottom of it and pulled something out. There it was her digital camera. She pressed a button and turned on, it still worked. She snapped a test photo of her book shelf. The camera flashed and a tiny picture appeared on the screen.

“Hey Dawn!” She bellowed from her bedroom.

A few seconds later a head popped into the doorway “What?” she asked curiously. Buffy waved her over, Dawn walked over slightly confused.

Buffy reached over to her sister and wrapped her arm around her neck pulling their faces close “Smile!” she said as she held the camera out in front of them and snapped a photo.

Dawn giggled “What was that about?”


She shrugged “I don’t know, all my photos are really old” she toyed with the camera “Want to go take a bunch of photos? We can make Mom a big photo board for Christmas”

Dawn nodded excitedly, it had been forever since she had played around with Buffy this way “Let’s go into the yard and do it”

The girls headed out to the front yard, Buffy started with camera and snapped photos of Dawn as she wandered around the yard. Some were poised and some were candid.

Buffy laughed as Dawn hugged a tree and grinned “That so cheesy Dawny” she clicked away happily as her little sister began expertly climbing the tree, her long limbs wrapping around the branches. Buffy felt a sense of peace wash over her, this is what she had needed all along, something to just keep her mind off things.

Dawn swung upside down on a branch and bared her teeth like a monkey. Buffy laughed so hard she couldn’t take the photo.

Dawn giggled and jumped out the tree; she walked over and took the camera. She snapped a few photos of Buffy laughing; Buffy threw herself down on the grass and laid there for a few moments. She breathed in deep and inhaled the scent of the grass. Dawn laid down on her side next to her “You’re leaving soon aren’t you” it wasn’t really a question

Buffy rolled onto her side and faced her little sister “I think I have to, I can’t hide forever”

Dawn nodded and begin running her fingers through the blades of grass “I’m gunna miss you” she said softly

Buffy sighed heavily and pulled her sister into an awkward one armed hug. Did she really have to leave? It wasn’t like she had anything to go back to for.
The front door opened and they both looked up to see Angel approaching them, Buffy rolled onto her back and patted the grass between her and Dawn. Angel approached and carefully wedged his large body between his two petite sisters, the girls both snuggled into their big brother.

They didn’t say anything for awhile; they all just laid there and enjoyed the moment.

Spike walked up Revello drive, a small slip of paper in his hand had Buffy’s address written on it in his mess scrawl. He wandered by looking at all the houses, they were all so big. They had nice big gardens full of rose bushes and trees, some even had tree houses. All the houses were painted in soft pastel colors and the driveway held a minivan or something else family related.

It was all so foreign to Spike but somehow he felt completely at ease. He could imagine living in one of those big houses, he stopped in front of one, a young man was pushing a little girl on a swing. He smiled slightly, he could do that.

He kept on walking before he stopped again. 1630. There it was Buffy’s house.

He looked up at it, big and beautiful like every other house. He looked at all the windows and he tried to guess which one was Buffy’s bedroom, she had mentioned a sister once, did she have to share a room?

He looked at the garden and it was then he noticed them. 3 bodies all snuggled together on the grass, one big bloke wedged in between two pretty girls. He approached them quietly and it was then he noticed Buffy. He felt a stab of jealousy, what was she doing with that man? Had she moved on already?

Buffy lay there, her head resting on Angel’s chest and her eyes closed. She sighed heavily. She heard someone shuffle slightly on the grass and she cracked one eye open, when she saw who it was she gasped and sat up. It had happened again, she had finally stopped thinking of him and he appeared. She sat there awkwardly staring up at him “What are you doing here?” she whispered

“I’m obviously interrupting something” he said in a pained voice “I’ll go” he started to walk away

“Wait!” she said in a desperate tone that made Angel and Dawn jump, they had both dozed off but Buffy’s sharp cry had jolted them awake. Buffy quickly stood up “Spike don’t go”

Dawn’s eyes widened, she nudged Angel in the side and gestured to the house. Angel seemed to reluctant to leave, they both stood up, Angel placed a comforting hand on Buffy’s shoulder “I’m inside if you need me” he whispered as he glared at Spike

Buffy waited for her brother and sister to go inside before looking at Spike. He looked tired and disheveled, his hair was longer then she had ever seen it, his curls were free from gel and she could see his roots coming through. She itched to run her fingers through it. “What are you doing here?” she asked again

He shrugged and stared down at his feet “Wanted to see you” he mumbled “Can see now it was a bad idea”

Buffy was confused, he came all this way to mumble and not look at her? Where were the declarations of love? The kisses and embraces?

Spike looked up at the house “Your new boy is spying” he said nodding towards the kitchen window

Buffy turned around and sure enough there was Angel, his face set in stone as he watched the two talk. Buffy glared at him and waved him away, he disappeared from sight. Buffy suddenly registered what Spike said “Wait, my new boy?” she asked

Spike nodded and kicked his foot like a petulant child “What is he? High school sweetheart? College romance?” he couldn’t meet her eye; He waited for her to scream at him, tell him that it was none of his business. To his surprise she burst out laughing, he looked up “What’s so funny then?”

Buffy held her stomach as she laughed, tears streamed down her face as she laughed properly for the first time in months; she tried to catch her breath to calm herself down. Finally she stopped and wiped away the tears. She looked at Spike and smirked “That’s my brother Liam”

Spike’s face coloured slightly as that information sunk in, he dug the toe of his shoe into the grass “Well that makes me feel look like a right git dunnit?” he looked up and the smile on her face took his breath away. He looked at her properly for the first time, her hair was longer and lighter shade of gold from the Californian sunshine, her eyes were still that brilliant green but they were slightly guarded.

The laughter died away and the awkwardness set in, They stood there uncomfortably for a few moments, before Spike finally broke “I came all this way to win you back, to try and convince you to be with me and now I’m here I have no idea what to say” he said quietly “It all seems so cliché”

Buffy stayed quiet

“I sat there on the plane thinking of the perfect first line and planning my romantic speech” he continued “None of it seems good enough, so I’m just going to say the thing I should have said long ago” he stared at her, god she was so beautiful “I love you Buffy Summers”

Buffy’s eyes filled with tears, she had wanted to hear those words for so long. She stood there, her tears splashing down onto her cheeks “I don’t know what to do” she whispered “I love you so much Spike but how do I know things will be different?”

“Because I’m different” he murmured before he dropped to the ground on one knee, Buffy’s eyes widened as Spike reached into his pocket and pulled out a small black box “I can’t lose you Buffy” he whispered “I was horrible to you I know that and these last few months without you have been hell”

She quivered slightly, the raw emotion in his voice made her heart beat faster

“I can be that man you need, I know I can” his voice was pleading now “I can make you happier than you ever have been, I want to make you happy… all I want in this damn world is to make you smile and laugh every single day”

Another tear ran down her cheek, she moved to wipe it away but he grabbed her hand and bought it to his lips. He kissed her knuckles and her fingers over and over. She smiled softly as more tears spilled over.
He looked up at her, still clutching her hand in his “I’m in love with you Buffy and I can only hope that I haven’t screwed this up to much” he let go of her hand for moment to open the box, he took the ring out and held it up to her “Marry me?” he asked simply

Without even thinking Buffy flung herself into his arms, they toppled onto the grass her encased in his warm embrace. “Thought I’d lost you” he murmured into her hair

He was inhaling deeply and it took Buffy a moment to realize that he was sniffing her. Spike closed his eyes as he breathed in her aroma, she always smelt of vanilla and cinnamon and something that was uniquely her.

Buffy squeezed him tighter, she rubbed her cheek against the soft skin on his neck, the feel of his skin against hers was so familiar.

“Missed you so much love” he whispered as he buried his nose into her hair, He pulled away and ran his fingers through it, he marveled at its softness.

Buffy couldn’t believe the way he was looking at her; it was like he had never seen her before in his life.

Spike had never seen anything as lovely in his life, he felt like a man who had been lost in the desert for months and just saw water for the first time. He was afraid to look away in case he was imagining her. “You haven’t given me an answer yet” he whispered

She laughed softly “Yes” was all she could manage to get out before his lips were on hers in a searing kiss. She wrapped her arms around his neck and entwined her fingers in his unruly curls.

What a sight they were, both crying and laughing as they shared a passionate embrace on her front lawn. Dawn and Cordelia stood by the kitchen window, both clutching their hearts and smiling; they looked at each other and nodded. Dawn flung open the front door “BUFFY!” she screeched

The couple looked up in time to see the two running over; Spike stood up and helped Buffy stand. Dawn ran over and enveloped Spike in a huge hug “You’re forgiven for hurting my sister”

Buffy laughed “Spike meet my sister Dawn” she said as Spike chuckled and wrapped his arms around the teenager

Cordelia grabbed Buffy’s hand and then looked up in confusion “where’s the ring?”

Buffy’s eyes widened “Oh shit!” she dropped to her hands and knees and began running her fingers through the grass

Spike looked down “You lost it all ready?”

“You never actually put it on my finger you asshole!”
Spike tilted his head back and laughed. God it was good to have her back in his life.