CHAPTER ONE: Prologue

“Spike, come out, please?” Buffy Summers pleaded with her best friend. “I wanna see!”

“No,” came the muffled sound of his voice from the other side of the bathroom door.

“Spike you have to come out sometime and I’m not leaving until you do so you may as well just come out now…”

“I look bloody ridiculous, Summers. Dru’s gonna laugh at me…”

“Well I can’t argue with you about that until I see what you look like so will you pleeeease come out?”

When he didn’t answer for a moment Buffy grew hopeful that maybe she’d finally gotten him to crack, but as soon as she thought she’d hear the door handle turn she heard him huff. “No.”

Buffy Summers and William Giles had been best friends since the fourth grade when his family moved from England to Sunnydale, California. Even at such a young age he had hated the dramatic change. Somehow, someway, they had become friends almost immediately.

One summer, after Williams mother Jenny died of Cancer, he had decided to completely re-vamp his entire look and attitude, on the outside, anyway. He wanted to get the attention of a girl, one Drusilla DeVille, who’s style was a bit… outlandish. It worked, and they’d been together ever since.

He changed his name that summer too. Rather than his friends calling him Will or William, he asked they call him Spike to help with his little transformation. They wanted to help him get what he wanted so they happily obliged. Buffy was the only one he allowed to call him by his real name. She didn’t do it often, but when she had a point to make or if she was having a heartfelt conversation with him she would use it. However, right now, trying to get him to come out of the bathroom, she decided to use it to her advantage.

“William Wesley Giles! Get your ass out of that bathroom this instant!” she demanded, stomping her foot for good measure.

Of course he couldn’t stay away or not listen to her when she did that. Even though they were nothing more than friends, she still had him wrapped hopelessly around her little finger.

Much to her satisfaction, Buffy heard the lock click out of place and watched as the doorknob turned. Suddenly the door swung open and Spike crossed his arms, looking away from her with pursed lips and shaking his head. He stood there in a maroon cap and gown, looking more pissed off than ever.

Buffy giggled at his facial expression. “You look fine.”

He looked at her and his nostrils flared. “No, I don’t. This this is ridiculous. I look like a bloody poufter.”

“Spike, all the guys have to wear it so quit whining. You really look fine.”

“At least you birds get to wear white. I look like a swollen penis…”

Buffy burst into laughter at that. “You do not, shut up.”

He huffed, then pouted. Buffy loved that pout, it was absolutlely adorable. She took a step forward, taking her white cap off, smoothing her honey-blonde hair. “I promise you, Spike, Dru is not gonna think you look stupid.”

“Yeah? How do you know?”

Buffy shrugged and half smiled. “It’s a girl thing.”

He uncrossed his arms and gestured toward her. “Yeah well, you’ll probably have Angel chasing after you all over again. You look incredible. So…”

“Grown up?” she offered in her most peppy tone of voice.

“Yeah,” he half-smiled.

They stared at each other for a few seconds just smiling at each other until Buffy snorted. “Please, Angel and I are so over, remember? If he even tries to speak to me-“

“I’ll pummel his arse?” Spike offered in all seriousness.

“Nooo,” she said and he pouted again. She smirked and put her cap back on. “You’ll stand back and smile with glee as I pummel his ass.”

Spike chuckled and pulled her into a hug. “Tha’s my girl.”

Buffy felt an overwhelming wave of guilt wash over her as he rocked her in a comforting embrace. She was really going to miss this.

Spike took a deep breath. “Alright,” he said pulling away from her and stretching. “Ready to go graduate?”

Buffy looked up into his cerulean blue eyes and couldn’t help but smile back at him. “Let’s do it.”


x X x X x


“Ladies and Gentlemen, The graduating class of 1999!”

After the ceremony all of the students scattered across the school yard in search of friends and relatives. Spike found Buffy first and wrapped his arms around her from behind, chuckling as she squeaked in surprise. Willow and Xander, their long time friends, appeared beside them moments later.

“Hey guys!” Buffy laughed as Spike set her down and she turned to face them. “Can you believe it? We graduated!”

“I know!” Willow exclaimed. “It feels like yesterday we were sitting in Miss Peadmont’s sixth grade class, flinging moist eraser chunks at Cordy and Harmony. And now look at us! It’s over already… it’s really kind of sad…”

Xander snorted. “Yeah, ‘cause you know, now we’re done with homework, nagging teachers, and Snyder? Man I’m gonna miss that guy…” he said with a thumbs up.

The gang laughed and Willow put her hands up in surrender. “Alright, point taken, noted.”

Suddenly Joyce Summers and Rupert Giles scurried up to the group and immediately began to blind them with flashing pictures like there was no tomorrow.

“Congratulations, kids!” Joyce exclaimed.

Buffy looked up at Spike smiling, and without a word spoken they immediately got together and posed for pictures. Joyce and Rupert looked at each other with knowing smiles and began to snap some more pictures, then waved the other two friends over for some more group photos.

After all the flashing stopped Buffy walked up to her mom who was holding her arms open, waiting for a hug. “I’m so proud of you, honey. Congratulations,” she said into her daughters hair.

“Thanks, mom.”

When they pulled apart Joyce kept her hands on Buffy’s upper arms and looked straight into her daughters eyes. “You haven’t told him yet, have you?” she asked quietly.

Buffy’s smile faded and the guilt returned, even heavier on her shoulders this time. She shook her head no.

Joyce nodded in understanding. “You need to tell him, sweetie. The longer you wait the more it’s gonna hurt, for both of you.”

“I know mom, I’ll tell him… just,” she turned and looked at her smiling friend. “Just not right now.”


x X x X x


Buffy paced back and forth in Spike's bedroom, waiting for him to return from whatever errand Mr. Giles had him running. It wasn’t unusual for her to be at his house waiting for him to get home, just like he would wait in her room for her if she wasn’t home.

Dru absolutely hated it, of course, but Buffy didn’t care. They were just friends and nothing more. Dru would always spark fights with him about it and for a few weeks he would stop showing up in Buffy’s room, but he wouldn’t tell her to stay out of his. Not too long after he would start showing up again, until Dru threw her next fit. It was a cycle they would go through, and Buffy grew sad thinking that the last time that happened was probably the last time it would ever happen.

She was incredibly nervous. She had really hoped she would be able to avoid having this conversation completely. Knowing how hard it was going to be for both of them. Her mother was right, though, the longer she waited the harder it was going to be, and more heart breaking. Already she felt like maybe she waited too long.

When she heard his car pull into the driveway her heart began to race. She really didn’t want to have to tell him this. He was going to be furious.

She sat on the end of his bed and fidgeted with her hands as she listened to his car door close, then as the front door opened and closed. She heard him start to climb the stairs, probably two at a time by the sound of it.

She knew him all too well.

He pushed open his bedroom door and his already luminous smile beamed brighter when he saw his best friend. She couldn’t help but smile back at him.

“Buffy,” he said kicking his boots off. “What’s up?”

She giggled. “You’re all glowy. What’s got you in such a good mood?”

He sighed and held his arms out. “Dru and I? We’re going all the way. She told me she wants to… you know…”

Buffy blushed and smiled. “Um, I’m happy for you, I guess,” she chuckled.

Great, a landmark in my best friends life and I won’t be here to help him bask in his glory…

“I’m nervous, Buffy. What if she changes her mind? Or, hell even worse, what if she doesn’t, but then thinks I’m horrible?”

“Well you know what you’re doing, right? You won’t do bad…” she said ducking her head and fidgeting with her hands again.

Spike noticed she was acting different and immediately felt guilty. Maybe he’d made her uncomfortable because of what happened in her relationship with Angel. “Did I make you uncomfortable? Should I talk to Xander about this? I’m a right git, Buffy, I’m sorry…”

“No, no it’s not that,” she said looking up at him with watery eyes. “There’s just, there’s something I need to tell you, and you’re not gonna be happy.”

Spike crossed his arms and looked down at her as she stood in front of him. “What’s wrong?”

Buffy took a deep breath and looked up at him. He wore a worried expression and Buffy immediately felt guilty about taking his glory moment away from him.

“Spike… I’m going away.”

He looked a little confused but not angry… yet. “For how long? Are you going somewhere with your mum?”

“No,” she said ducking her head for a moment, then looked back up at him. “I’m moving to L.A. to be with my dad,” she said and he immediately backed away and turned away from her. Buffy continued. “He got me a really good job working for his firm and since I’m not starting college right away-“

“Why didn’t you tell me about this when you were just offered it? How long have you known this, what were you doing?”

Buffy’s lip quivered. “A month,” she answered meakly.

Spikes eyes nearly bulged out of his head. “A month?! You’ve known for a sodden MONTH and you didn’t tell me? Buffy-“ he stopped and took a deep breath. “Why?”

She opened her mouth to respond but nothing came out. She shook her head. “I don’t know, Spike, I’m so sorry.”

“When are you leaving?” he said angrily.

A tear dropped down Buffy’s cheek. “In a week,” she whispered.

He opened his mouth in astonishment and shook his head. “Buffy, I-“ he sighed and sat on the edge of his bed, rubbing his face in his hands. “How long are you going for?”

Buffy looked away from him, the shame and guilt even stronger than she thought it wouls be. “I don’t know. However long my dad needs me I guess…”

Spike raised his head, his eyes were red and slightly watery. He sighed. “I don’t even know what to say to you right now,” he said looking up at her.

She pursed her lips and nodded. She was so mad at herself for putting this off for so long. Just the look on Spike's face was enough to hate herself for keeping it from him for so long. Not knowing what to say to him she simply stepped over to where he was sitting, nestled her way in between his legs and wrapped her arms around him. “I’m so sorry Spike. I just didn’t know how to tell you.”

Spike sighed and leaned his head against her stomach, wrapping his long arms around her small torso. “You’re not gonna stay away right? You’ll come back and visit us?”

Buffy tilted her head to look at him and gave him a sad smile. “Of course. You know I won’t be able to stay away from my best friend.”

Spikes embrace with Buffy tightened and he swallowed hard. “Good.”

Buffy began to absent-mindedly stroke his hair. The two of them sat there in silence holding each other for a few minutes, not making a sound or flinching until Buffy started to giggle slightly.

Spike raised his eyebrows and loosened his grip. “Hm?”

“You’re roots are totally showing. You sealed the deal with Dru with icky roots?”

“Oi!” Spike sounded as Buffy backed away from him with a playful smile on her face. “I didn’t have to seal any bloody deal. She was practically begging for it,” he smirked. He puffed his chest out. “I’m all man and she knows it.”

Buffy snorted in laughter as she backed away from him. “Yeah, okay. Keep telling yourself that, Spikey.”

“Alright,” Spike stood and began to stalk toward her. “That’s it missy. You are one step away…”

Buffy couldn’t hide her smile nor could he as he got closer. “Oooh, I am sooo scared,” Buffy prodded.

Suddenly without a hint of warning Spike pounced on Buffy, pinning her hips between the desk behind her and his own. His fingers were on her in a flash, rubbing and poking at her rib cage in a flurry.

The bubbling laughter that floated from Buffy was contagious as Spike tickled her in her most ticklish spot. “Okay! Okay!” Buffy laughed, struggling for air. “I’m sorry! I know you’re all man! Okay! Stop!” she forced out.

She gulped for air as he finally backed off and walked into the bathroom that was right off his room. “You were warned, pet!” Spike yelled from inside the bathroom.

Buffy straightened her shirt and shook her head as she smiled more. Spike re-emerged from the bathroom holding a pair of latex gloves and a bottle of blonde hair dye. Buffy looked at the contents in his hands and quirked a brow. “Bleaching your hair now? Mr. Big-Bad?”

Spike smirked as he shoved the gloves and bottle into her hands and pulled his shirt up over his head. “Nope. You’re gonna do it for me.”

Buffy smiled as Spike playfully threw his shirt at her and walked back to the bathroom. She followed, and when he sat down on the edge of the bathtub she got an idea.

“Hey, let’s camp out in the tree fort tonight. Just you and me,” she offered.

“The tree fort…” Spike repeated.

“Yeah, it’ll be fun. Like old times…”

Spikes eyes saddened a bit. “You mean one last time, right?”

Buffy frowned. “Come on, don’t do that.”

Spike looked away, shaking his head. “I don’t think I have to tell you that I’m upset you’re leaving, especially with such short notice. It hurts.” Spike took a deep breath. “Just know that I’m expecting visits and you should expect them too.”

Buffy smiled sadly at him. “Deal.”

“Alright,” Spike said shifting a little. “Blonde me up, blondie.”


x X x X x


“Tell me again why I let you talk me into this?” Spike asked as he followed Buffy up the rickety old ladder into the tree fort.

“Because you love me and we need a night just me and you, and old memories…”

“Memories my arse… more like freezing nights and painful splinters…”

Buffy giggled as she pulled herself into the fort. “Stop whining. You love it out here and you know it.”

Spike hoisted a duffle bag up into the fort then pulled himself up next to Buffy. “True as that may be, pet, this got me into a lot of trouble with Dru. She didn’t quite fancy me spending a night alone with you out in the wilderness.”

Buffy snorted as she turned on the lantern and began to set up the sleeping bags. “Wilderness, huh? She considers the woods behind my house to be wilderness?”

“Well,” Spike began with a hint of guilt on his face. “She doesn’t exactly know where the tree fort is. Just that it’s private.”

“Uh oh… Lying to the girlfriend already?” Buffy tsk-ed.

Spike blushed a little as he too set up his sleeping bag. “She has nothing to worry about.”

Buffy looked over her shoulder at him with a twinge of hurt in her eyes but let it drop. She didn’t want to talk about Drusilla and her problems tonight. All she wanted was to have a fun night with her best friend, one last time, before she left.

“Okay,” Buffy said as she finished setting up her spot. She grabbed her bag and pulled out her moms old Polaroid camera, smiling. “Come here, it’s time for our picture!”

Spike looked over and groaned. “You and your bloody picture collection.”

“We have to! We have to take one for the box, it’s an important day for us!”

“It’s a bloody depressing day for us that’s what it is!”

She gave him a pointed look as he crawled up next to her, smirking. He scooted up close and Buffy leaned back against him for support.

Without a countdown or a prompt of 'cheese' the blonde duo smiled and Buffy snapped the picture. Both waited in silence for the picture to self-develop in front of them, and both were pleased with the outcome.

Behind a board in the tree fort wall Spike pulled out an old cash box while Buffy pulled a small key out of her pocket. The box Spike held contained years worth of pictures and small trinkets that Spike and Buffy cherished. Buffy quickly dated the back of the new picture and placed it in the box, closed it and locked it back up.

Spike looked down at the box, then over at his best friend, knowing in his gut that this would be the last time he got to do this with her.


x X x X x


Buffy looked around at her friends, sister, and mother who were standing around her, smiling and wishing her luck on her conquest.

Buffy, however, wasn’t smiling back as she looked around somewhat frantically. Her bags were at her feet and her bus ticket in her hand.

“Where the hell is he?” Buffy wondered out loud as she stomped her foot.

“Buffy,” Joyce scolded. “Language, please...”

“I’m sorry,” Buffy huffed. “But this bus is gonna leave and I’m not gonna get to say goodbye to him.”

“He’ll be here,” Willow soothed. “He would never miss being able to say goodbye to you.”

Tears formed in Buffy’s eyes as she looked around once more.

“Last call for the noon bus to Los Angeles!” an announcer for the station yelled over the loud speakers.

Buffy looked toward her mom, panicking. “Mom…”

“He’ll be here sweetie, don’t worry.”

“Are these bags yours, miss?” the bus loader asked. Buffy quickly nodded and he began to pack her things into the lower compartments of the bus.

Willow got a sinking feeling in her gut and she too began to look around nervously, hoping to catch a glimpse of their bleach blonde friend.

“Don’t worry, Buffster, you know he wouldn’t miss this,” Xander said, trying desperately to convince himself of the same thing.

Suddenly screeching tires grabbed everyone’s attention and Buffy couldn’t help but smile in relief. She didn’t have to see him, she knew it was him just from the sound of the old Desoto.

The car came into view and everyone’s faces suddenly matched Buffy’s as Spike stepped out of the car, out of breath and smiling.

On his way over to Buffy he broke into a run and scooped her up into his arms. Buffy released hot breath onto his neck as she fought back tears. “I thought you weren’t coming.”

Spike clenched his jaw and hugged her just a little bit tighter. “I would never miss the chance to see you and you know that.”

“Excuse me, miss?” an employee of the bus station tapped her shoulder, interrupting Buffy and Spikes moment. Buffy looked up at the young man, knowing what he was about to say. “If you don’t get on the bus now it’s going to leave without you.”

Buffy nodded and looked up at Spike who smiled sadly down at her. The look on his face broke her heart all over again.

“You, um,” he began. “You better call your mum first, but call me when you’re all unpacked and settled in, yeah?”

Buffy nodded and placed a hand on his cheek, looking deep into his cerulean blue eyes. “I’ll miss you, William.”

Spike pursed his lips and tears threatened to form. He pulled her into an air-tight hug and couldn’t help but feel that he was letting go of the one person who kept him sane these last ten years.

Buffy sniffled and Spike let go, holding her hand as she walked over to the rest of the group for hurried goodbyes. Spike watched her eyes tear up as she kissed and hugged everyone goodbye. He hated this. Hated that she was leaving her friends and family. Hated she was leaving her beloved hometown. Hated that she was leaving him. It would have been impossible to try and hide his disappointment if he’d wanted to.

Finally Buffy gave her mother and sister a long hug goodbye before Spike helped her up onto the first step of the waiting bus. He squeezed her hand and she turned to look at him, tears in her eyes.

Spike cleared his throat and pulled her into one last hug. “You come back now, you hear? I won’t have you being a ghost in this bloody town.”

Buffy nuzzled his neck slightly. “I’ll be back, I promise. I love you too much to stay away forever,” she chuckled.

“Yeh,” Spike laughed as he let her go, trying hard not to get too sappy. “We’ll see about that, Summers.”

Buffy smiled as she continued up into the bus. “I’ll call you when I get there.”

Spike nodded and stuffed his hands into his pockets as the bus doors shut behind her and she hurried to her seat, quickly sitting and looking sadly out the window at all her loved ones who all took deep breaths as the bus started to slowly pull away.

Buffy forced a smile and placed a hand on the window, watching sadly as she got farther and farther away from her mother, sister, and friends. The last person she laid her eyes on was Spike.

He stood, hands stuffed in his pockets and looking as if someone had just ran over his dog. He quickly mouthed the words I love you right before the bus turned the corner and blocked her friends from her sight.

It felt like someone had slammed a brick against her chest as the image of Spike whispering I love you flashed before her eyes. Originally the idea of moving to L.A. seemed like a good one. Now she wasn’t so sure.

As the bus moved forward Buffy took a deep breath and wiped her eyes, reminding herself that she wasn’t going away forever, she just was moving forward with her life, and it was something she needed to do.

She shifted in her seat and got more comfortable for the drive ahead of her just in time to read the old familiar sign with a new sense of self.

Now Leaving Sunnydale.

CHAPTER TWO: Reunited

Five Years Later…

The day was a relatively calm one. It was sunny, but not too warm with a gentle breeze that soared through the air. Tree leaves rustled slightly as a small group of people gathered in Restfield Cemetary.

Friends and family, all cloaked in black, surrounded a mahogany casket suspended over the six foot deep hole in the ground beneath it.

People cried and wiped at their red puffy eyes as a priest spoke softly about the deceased.

Directly next to the closed casket stood Spike, looking disheveled and exhausted, grieving over yet another loss to his beloved family.

On one side of him stood Mrs. Summers, holding one hand to Spikes upper arm as she held his hand with her other, trying hard to stay strong for him and keep herself from crying over this awful tragedy.

“We commend to almighty God, our brother, Rupert Giles. And we commit his body to the ground.”

Holding Spikes other hand was Willow, a long time friend who, despite their differences, was one of the best friends he had ever had.

Xander stood behind him, one hand on Spikes shoulder for support in a small unspoken gesture of love for his friend. No one had seen such heartache as Spike. And Xander, having been there with him and listening to him for almost all of it, knew Spike was suffering yet again. Spike talked a lot when he got drunk, and Xander was always there to listen.

“Earth to earth. Ashes to ashes. And dust to dust.”

Spike almost couldn’t bear the sorrow and anger that boiled in him at the sound of the shovel scooping up dirt - dirt that would soon be covering his father’s lifeless body, keeping him buried and gone from Spike forever.

“The lord bless him, and keep him. The lord makes his face, to shine upon him and be gracious to him. The lord lift up his continent upon him, and give him peace.”

As the ceremony ended, and the grounds keepers began to lower the casket and cover it completely, Spike stood weeping on the inside, afraid to let anyone see him fall apart more than he already had. Friends and a few family members embraced Spike in sad hugs as they expressed their condolences and said their goodbyes. And although he could feel them in his arms, and he knew that they were all there for him, he felt numb to their affections.

He stayed quiet and unresponsive to people when they tried to make light conversation with him. No matter how they tried, his thoughts all revolved around his father, and the gruesome way he died.


x X x X x


The sun had gone down, and everybody had left the cemetery, gone to Joyce’s home for some much needed comfort food. Everyone except Spike.

He hadn’t moved from his spot next to his father’s grave. The grounds keepers had finished filling the hole and got rid of all the machinery. They asked Spike one or two questions about when they should receive the headstone and once they got their answers, left him alone to grieve.

He had been alone for some time now. Standing in the dark, just staring down at freshly churned dirt, a million and one crazy thoughts going through his head when suddenly, two small feet appeared next to his own.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered sadly and Spike squeezed his eyes shut as he swallowed hard. When her small hand slipped into his he didn’t hesitate to squeeze it to be sure she was really there. “I couldn’t come sooner,” she continued but he couldn’t find any words for her at the time.

He opened his eyes and slowly looked over at her, finding it harder to keep from crying. “Buffy…”

She looked up at him and his blue eyes locked with her green ones. It was comforting to have her here. The first real comfort he’d felt since he’d found his father only days ago.

As the images of that day flooded Spike’s mind he found it harder to breathe, and Buffy noticed it right away. Her heart broke for him.

Without hesitation she turned his body toward hers and trapped him in a fierce hug that sent him over the edge. His eyes squeezed shut and tears trickled down his face as he nuzzled her shoulder and wrapped his arms around her tiny frame for support.

Buffy had never felt stronger than she did at that moment. She knew for Spikes sake she had to be.

She didn’t believe her ears when her mother made the call to tell her about Mr. Giles’ death. He was such a humble and loving man the entire time she knew him, it was hard to believe he’d suddenly taken his own life.

Her lip trembled at the thought and she squeezed Spike a little harder to keep herself from breaking down. For the first time in a long time she actually regretted not being around at all in the last five years.

Spike calmed a bit and took a deep breath but didn’t let go of Buffy. He was afraid he was imagining her being here. As much as he hoped he wasn’t dreaming he also couldn’t help but feel bitter toward her for waiting until now to finally come see him.

However, right now he didn’t have the energy or want to argue with her about that. Instead, he decided to just take a deep breath and try and be happy that she was here.

When Buffy felt his grip on her loosen a bit she pulled back and brushed a fallen lock of hair out of her eyes. It was then that she really looked at him and noticed how run down he looked.

She had always known him to look really pale, but right now he looked down right white. She hoped it was just the moonlight making him look this way, but something in her gut told her that wasn’t it.

His hair was greasy and un-groomed. It had grown out to the point where it was curling down the back of his neck, and he hadn’t bleached it in a while. Where the tips of his hair were still white from bleaching, the closer it got to the root the darker it got.

Deep dark circles around his eyes coupled with the bags under his eyes showed his lack of good rest. She supposed that after the last few days it would be normal to have bags under your eyes, but this looked to be a deeper problem than what was seen.

One last thing she noticed about him was how thin he looked. He was a skinny guy, always had been, but Buffy was sure that if he were to take his shirt off at that moment she would be able to see his ribs.

It didn’t take a genius to see that she was concerned about his health.

She held his hands between their two bodies as she tilted her head slightly and looked at him with sad eyes. “Let’s walk.”

Spike swallowed and she let her eyes wander down to his adams apple which bobbed soon thereafter. He nodded.

The pair turned away from the grave, Buffy holding Spikes right hand with her left, and walked out of the grave yard.

The night air was slightly chilly and Buffy shivered a little, but Spike didn’t notice. All he could do was watch their feet as they slowly made their way through the quiet streets of Sunnydale.

Buffy found herself enjoying it, having gotten too used to the light, noise, and traffic of the busy streets of L.A. She’d forgotten how peaceful her hometown could be.

Their walk together was made in silence, Spike still looking at nothing but the ground and Buffy looking at old familiar shops, houses, and parks. The walk that one day had been like nothing to Buffy, now seemed to take forever as she tried to think of what else she could say to her long lost best friend. The only thing she could think of was the lame traditional ‘sorry for your loss.’

When they turned a corner onto Revello Drive, a street they both knew all too well, Spikes head finally perked up, but the look on his face as he stared down the street had Buffy furrowing her brow.

The duo stopped in the middle of the street, directly between their two houses and faced each other.

“You should get changed,” Buffy said quietly to him. “You’ve been in those all day. I’m sure-“

“I can’t.”

Buffy was a bit taken back. “Why not? You still live there right? You can jus-“

“I can’t go in that house,” he ground out as he fought a fresh wave of tears.

The realization smacked Buffy up side her head so hard her eyes grew wide. “Oh god, Spike, I’m sorry, I wasn’t even thinking…”

“I know eventually I’m gonna have to, but right now… tonight… I can’t go in there, okay?”

Buffy nodded and reached for his hand again. “Okay. Let’s go to my house then. You can sleep there.”

She didn’t wait for a response, just tugged him behind her around to the back of the house. Once on the back porch Spike stopped and Buffy looked at him questioningly. When Spike pulled out a pack of cigarettes she understood and turned to face him as he lit up.

“You smoke now?” she asked with a hint of a smile on her face.

He took a long first drag and scratched his forehead with his thumb as he exhaled. “Yeah. Picked it up a few years back and haven’t been able to shake it.”

Buffy looked at him and tilted her head slightly. “As much as I don’t approve, you pull it off nicely.”

He couldn’t help the shy smile that crept its way onto his featured as he blushed a little. “Thanks… I guess.”

Neither one of them really knew what to say to one another, so Spike quickly tried to finish his smoke while at the same time tried to avoid any more eye contact with Buffy.

But she was gazing at him, trying hard to figure out what was going through his head. She had seen this man, once, maybe twice in the last five years and as a result she felt like she didn’t even know him anymore. The only thing she did know?

“I’ve missed you…”

Spike blew out his last puff of smoke and tossed his butt into a nearby flower pot her mother had left there for him, his jaw ticking slightly as he finally looked over at her.

He could see her clearer now as she stood under the porch light. She was different. Gone was his former, mousy little ex-best friend. The woman that stood in front of him was all grown up, with long flowing blonde hair, still with hints of highlighting in it. Her face and figure were that of a woman’s, not a teenaged girl. Her fingernails were manicured and her designer coat and boots showed she had done well for herself. She was beautiful. She always had been, though.

Despite his adoration for how well she’d transformed, she still left and broke her promised to come back and stay in touch, and for that he was still extremely angry with her.

He inhaled a deep breath of cool night air as he looked at her, and she looked back at him with hope. But he wasn’t ready to have the touching reunion heart-to-heart. Instead, he motioned his head toward the door. “I need a drink.”

Buffy had to work hard to keep her face from falling, from revealing how disappointed she was that he didn’t say her missed her too. And yet, she knew. She knew she only had herself to blame for it. So, she stepped up to the door and let herself and Spike into her old familiar kitchen, unsure of where to go next.


x X x X x


Buffy watched from her spot up on the stairs as Spike slept on the couch. His dress shirt and jacket were slung over a chair and his good shoes tucked neatly under the coffee table.

The house was quiet, everyone but herself was fast asleep and although it was nearing four in the morning, she just couldn’t find any rest.

The last day and a half had been so hectic. Once her mother had called to inform her of Mr. Giles’ death Buffy tried to catch a plane, but her father threw a fit about late paperwork and postponed meetings and made her stay the following day, promising there would be another flight. But, by the time she got done with all the paperwork and set up a temp for him, there weren’t anymore flights available and she had to settle for a bus ride instead, thus making her miss the wake and funeral. She was so mad at herself for not following her gut and going when she first had the chance. But no, she had to make dear ol’ dad happy and stay.

She was an idiot.

What she still couldn’t understand was why Mr. Giles would commit suicide. It just wasn’t like him. She never knew him to be depressed or upset. He was more of a loving father to her than her real father was. Even now, after nearly five years in L.A. with her father she still loved Mr. Giles more.

And she didn’t get the chance to say goodbye.

Perhaps the fact that he’d secretly owned a gun would have made a slightly different impression of him, although she couldn’t see him owning it for anything other than protection. To take his own life with it was something Buffy never in a million years would think he would ever consider.

How could he have shot himself in the head, knowing he was leaving behind his one and only son, who had already tragically lost his mother to cancer? Spike wasn’t a boy anymore. He was a man and Buffy knew that, but he was still only twenty four years old. He still had a long life to live and now he would have to do it without both of his parents.

He was without his best friend, too.

For almost five years Buffy lived in blissful ignorance, thinking it didn’t matter that she basically up and left everyone she loved, and stayed away so selfishly. She didn’t know anything about Spike or Willow or Xander or even her own baby sister, for god’s sake. She had gotten too wrapped up in her own success and her own fancy new life that she’d forgotten all about all the people who loved and adored her.

Buffy took a sip of her water as she looked over at the broken man sleeping on her couch. She had only been home for a few hours and already she was regretting the choice she made to go and live in LA. She never meant to get so wrapped up in it all. She meant to call and write and visit and do all those things you’re supposed to do when you go away, but it seemed that from the minute she arrived at her fathers business on her first day she had never ending paperwork ahead of her and tasks that constantly needed solving.

She simply didn’t have time to have a life anymore after that. She knew it wasn’t a good excuse, but it was the only one she had.

A lone flame stirred inside her when she looked over at him, however, and with it came this new different feeling that she couldn’t quite describe. She couldn’t help but wonder what might have happened, how different her life would have been if she’d stayed in Sunnydale like everyone else. What would her relationship with Spike be like if she had stayed?

That thought alone was enough to make her tremble and her stomach churn a little, because in her heart she knew he wouldn’t be like this. Things around here wouldn’t be like this.

Taking a deep breath Buffy stood up and made her way the rest of the way down the stairs. Quietly, she crept over to the side of the couch and looked down on Spikes sleeping form. Sleep was the only time he looked at all peaceful, at least in the hours she’d been home and with him.

She knew in her heart that the coming days weren’t going to be easy. First thing in the morning she was going to call her dad and let him know she was going to be longer than expected, and make sure her temp could cover the extra days she was sure she was going to need.

She left once, and things got seemingly bad. And she knew she wasn’t the cause, and she wouldn’t be the cure. This was real life and she knew things weren’t that simple. She did know, however, that she could help more by being here acting as a shoulder than in L.A., wrapped up in work.

Quietly she knelt down beside him and pulled the thin blanket up over his exposed arms. Instead of pulling away right away, though, she began to rub small circles on his arms through the blanket, a gesture her mother used to do when she would stay home sick.

“I’m so sorry I wasn’t here for you,” she whispered to him. She reached up with one hand and brushed a few stray curls out of his face.

It felt so strange to be back in Sunnydale with him. Part of her was comforted by his presence, like nothing had ever changed between them. Another part of her felt awkward around him, like they were both two different people just getting to know each other.

“It was your choice,” Spike said suddenly, startling Buffy from her thoughts. She looked down at him, wide eyed.

“I thought you were sleeping. Did I wake-“

“No one forced you to leave,” he said hoarsely. “You did it all on your own.”

When Buffy simply stared back at him, mouth agape, unable to say anything back to him, he rolled over so his back was facing her and tried again to get some sleep.

He may as well have slapped her across the face, because that was how Buffy felt just then. Unable to think of anything to say back to him, she stood up and moved to leave the living room and when she looked up, was startled to find Dawn standing at the bottom of the stairs.

Buffy furrowed her brows as she looked at her younger sister who simply arched her eyebrow at her and walked into the kitchen.

Buffy immediately followed, unsure of how much her sister heard or what she was doing up at this hour.

When they were in the kitchen and out of earshot of Spike Dawn spun on her heels and faced Buffy, arms crossed. “He’s right, you know,” she said immediately.

“You were listening?” Buffy said with a surprised and angered tone.

Dawn rolled her eyes. “I was standing right there, wasn’t I?”

Buffy shook her head and looked away, running one hand through her hair to loosen it up a bit.

“He’s right,” Dawn repeated.

“About what?” Buffy snapped, annoyed.

“About you being gone all this time.”

“Dawn, it was a once in a lifetime chance. If I hadn’t gone when I did, I wouldn’t be as successful as I am now.”

Dawn sighed in frustration and shook her head. “Don’t you see? Buffy, no one blames you for moving away. It’s just that you stayed away,” she said and Buffy turned and looked her in her eyes. “It woudn’t have killed you to visit more than twice.”

Buffy’s arms dropped to her sides in defeat. “Don’t you think I know that? I regret it more than you’ll ever know. I do. But I can’t change what happened. All I can do is try and win his trust back.”

Dawn looked Buffy up and down for a moment and Buffy could see then just how much her little sister had grown up in the time she was gone. Of course, she had seen her mother and Dawn a few times each year when they would drive down to L.A. to spend holidays and birthdays with her. But for the first time, Buffy saw a young woman standing in front of her rather than a girl.

“So what are you going to do?” Dawn asked after a few moments.

Buffy took a deep breath and looked over her shoulder at the hallway leading to the living room where she knew Spike was laying. “I honestly don’t know. I didn’t realize things had gotten so bad…”

“A lot of things changed in five years, Buffy. It just happens.”

Buffy turned and nodded sadly at her sister. “I’m gonna get to bed. I have a feeling it’s gonna be a long day tomorrow.”

Dawn simply nodded as Buffy turned to leave the kitchen and head upstairs, but she quickly called out to her before she left.

“Hey Buffy…”

Buffy turned and looked at her sister, eyebrows raised. Dawn stepped up closer to her so as not to yell through the entire house.

“One thing that hasn’t changed? He’s never stopped loving you.”

Buffy managed a small smile and hooked her arm with Dawn’s as they made their way through the house and up the stairs to bed, Buffy giving Spike one final glance before he was out of sight.

TBC

CHAPTER THREE: We Need To Talk…





Buffy woke around noon the next day to the sound of the shower running in the next room over. It was a new thing for her to wake up to… noise. For three years she had been living in her own upscale apartment, and though she’d had one or two relationships in that time, she’d grown accustomed to waking up to an empty apartment. Noise was something so simple yet so unfamiliar to her in her new life…





With a deep breath and a long stretch Buffy rolled over and tossed the covers back off her. It was a good feeling, not having to go to work for her father and to be able to wake up in a house that wasn’t empty. She wished she could enjoy this more often.





Buffy sat up and got out of bed just as she heard the water in the bathroom go off and she hurried over to her bedroom door. She wanted to catch her mom and talk to her for a moment, but when the bathroom door opened and she saw who emerged she quickly ducked back into her room and quietly closed the door most of the way, only leaving enough open to peek out without being noticed. What she saw both surprised her and made her heart race. The man with the alabaster six pack that stepped out of the bathroom, with only a white towel hanging low his hips was enough to make Buffy’s eyes bulge from their sockets. The boy that was once her best friend had turned into quite a man, and a drool-worthy one at that. She couldn’t help but blush as she quietly opened her door just enough to watch his retreating form as he grabbed another fresh towel from the linen closet and move back into the bathroom.





Once he was completely out of sight she stood up straight, smoothed her t-shirt and cleared her throat, trying hard and failing to get the image of her former best friend all naked and wet out of her head. The scent of his body wash that wafted throughout the hall after him didn’t help to cool her hormones any.





Stepping out into the hallway she could hear voices coming from downstairs. At first she didn’t recognize the voices but as she neared the top of the staircase they became clearer and there was no doubt in her mind to whom those voices belonged to.





She had mixed feelings regarding her friends’ presence in her mother’s home. She wanted to see them and catch up on everything she missed, but considering Spikes and Dawns opinions on her absence, she was now afraid of other people’s judgments. Still, she knew she was going to have to see them eventually.





With a deep breath she retreated back into her bedroom and changed into a fresh set of clothes and fixed her hair. Only once she was satisfied with her outward appearance did she move to the hall and begin to descend the stairs.





Willow, Xander, and another woman who Buffy didn’t recognize were all seated in the living room talking amongst themselves. It wasn’t until Buffy reached the very bottom step and it creaked a little that they realized someone else was in the room with them.





Xander was the first to look over, a slightly surprised expression on his face when he saw Buffy standing there instead of the person he was expecting, who was presumably Spike. When a smile formed on his face Buffy relaxed a little.





“Hey, Buf!” Xander exclaimed standing and walking toward her with open arms.





Everyone else in the room looked over and Willows smile matched Xander’s.





“Hey guys!” Buffy waved quickly before Xander enveloped her in a small hug.





“Long time no see,” Xander mumbled into her shoulder right before releasing her.





“I know,” Buffy said, still with a smile on her face. “It’s been forever. I’m really sorry.”





Xander nodded as they made their way into the living room where Willow stood to greet her long lost friend.





Buffy waved excitedly at the red head. “Hey, Wil!”





“Ugh, Buffy!” Willow exclaimed as she wrapped her friend in a tight hug. “I’m so glad to see you came home.”





“Uh, Buf,” Xander said tapping her on the shoulder, effectively ending the hug her and Willow had been sharing. “I want you to meet my fiancé, Anya.”





Fiance? She thought sadly. How come they didn’t call or e-mail me with that huge news…





Buffy smiled at the stranger and stuck her hand out. “Hi, Anya. I’m Buffy.”





“Yes, I’ve heard a lot about you in your absence,” the woman smiled.





Buffy nodded sadly and smiled up at Xander. “She’s a pretty one, Xand. Don’t let her go,” she said rubbing his arm.





Anya smiled and looked up at her husband-to-be. “I like her. She called me pretty. She should be in our wedding party.”





“Well, we’ll talk about that later, Ahn.”





“So Buffy,” Willow asked as she held her friends hand. “Would you wanna maybe go out to lunch or something? So we can catch up? I know you probably have to get back to L.A. soon but-“





“Actually I’m staying for a week or so. I’m not going back right away this time.”





Willow looked shocked but happy and that along was enough to make Buffy feel like a crappy friend. They all noticed how she would take off right away or stay away all together. She felt like an ass.





“Where do you wanna go? My treat,” Buffy smiled and Willow smiled warmly back at her.





“What’s goin’ on?” Spikes voice sounded suddenly from behind.





Everyone, including Buffy turned to see Spike standing at the bottom of the stairs, still only wearing a towel around his hips. Buffy instantly turned red and she cursed herself when the butterflies in her stomach started doing flips. Feeling guilty, Buffy just looked down at her feet, willing the strange and inappropriate feeling to go away.





“How‘ya doin’ today sweetie?” Willow asked as she walked to him and rubbed his arm soothingly.





Spike shifted his gaze which had been on Buffy to the red head, and forced a smile for her sake. “As well as can be expected,” he said quietly.





“Here’s your clothes, man,” Xander said handing him a large folded t-shirt and pair of sweats. “Let me know if you need anything else, alright?”





Spike nodded once, looking at the clothing in his hands. “Thanks.”





Xander pursed his lips and patted his friend on the shoulder once. “I gotta get going, new project at the site today so I gotta get started, but you’ll call me if you need something,” Xander said to Spike. Then he turned to Buffy. “See you later, Buf. Take good care of him,” he said with a smile before he and Anya let themselves out.





Buffy finally mustered the courage to look at Spike again. At his face. “I was wondering where you went,” she said to him after clearing her throat.





He took a deep breath and pointed behind himself toward the stairs. “Felt like a shower. Didn’t know when you’d be wakin’ up so…” he trailed off, not bothering to try and finish the sentence.





“Spike, Buffy and I are gonna go out for lunch in a little bit. Care to join us?” Willow asked with a smile on her face.





Spike scrunched his face up a bit and shook his head. “I don’t really feel up to going out. Thanks, though.”





Buffy could help but be disappointed that he didn’t want to come with her. “Are you sure?”





He looked at her and Buffy swore she could feel the anger emanate from him. His eyes were dark. She looked away, uncomfortable. “I’ll bring something home for you, then,” she said looking back at him with scared guilty eyes.





Willow would have cut through the tension between her two friends with a knife if she’d had one on her. It was upsetting to see two old friends be so awkward around each other. All she could do was hope that they could eventually work things out.





“Thanks,” was all Spike said in response to Buffy’s open-ended offer.





He felt a little bad making her uncomfortable and guilty for not being around, but with everything going on in his life at the moment, he couldn’t find time to care about other peoples precious feelings.





He had his own plan for how things were supposed to happen. He wasn’t going to let Buffy get in the way of that.











x X x X x X x











“I really screwed up, huh Wil?” Buffy asked sadly as she stabbed at her salad with disinterest.





Willow looked sadly at her friend as she sipped her iced tea. “Buffy you don’t have to blame yourself. Given the opportunity we all probably would have done the same as you.”





Buffy snorted and dropped her fork. “I didn’t even e-mail you guys! Let alone call or visit! I’m surprised you even wanted to have lunch with me…”





“Well,” Willow began. “There are some things I wanted to say to you, I’m not gonna lie. You’ve missed out on a lot over the last four years or so. A lot of it explains why Spike is the way that he is now.”





Buffy was intrigued by this. She knew of some things that happened but it didn’t really seem like they would be life-altering events. However, Spike certainly wasn’t the same man she had left behind years ago. “Like what?” she finally asked.





Willow sighed and sat back. “Well… where do I start? Not to make you feel all crappy again but you dropped a bombshell on him and two weeks later you were gone. He didn’t know what to do with himself after you left.”





Buffy leaned forward on the table. “But see, that’s what I don’t get. You and Xander were still here, right? It wasn’t like I was his only friend in the world…”





“Yeah, Xander and I were here, but he was never as close to us as he was with you or you were with us. It just wasn’t the same. Plus, I was busy with Oz and Xander was dating Cordy at the time…”





Buffy sat back. “Yeah. Hey, whatever happened to Dru? They were really happy together before I left. And I know she was thrilled that I left town…”





Willow cocked her head to one side and sighed sadly. This was why they would have appreciated a phone call or two. It had been four years and Buffy still didn’t know what happened between them. “We were all living in the dorms at UC Sunnydale, except for Xander, he stayed home. Spike and Oz managed to get a room together and I had a crappy roomy. I went over to their dorm one night and Spike went to go to Drusilla’s to give me and Oz some alone time…” Willow paused and stared at her own fidgeting hands for a moment.





Buffy saw the change in her demeanor. “What happened?”





Willow shook her head. “Spike walked in on her with another guy.”





“Oh,” Buffy realized sadly, knowing first hand what pain Spike must have felt at that moment. She’d gone through the same thing with an ex in L.A.





“It ripped him apart. Oz always told me how Spike would just sit in the dorm strumming his guitar for hours. No food, no water, no sunlight. It was like he’d become a zombie. For a while we were afraid he’s starting doing drugs…”





Buffy nodded. “How is Oz? I haven’t seen him yet.”





Willow smirked and tried to hide the disbelief she had with Buffy. She thought for sure Buffy had known about Oz. At least this explained why she never got any sympathy from Buffy over it. “I wouldn’t know how Oz is. He’s been gone for a while now, Buffy.”





Buffy’s mouth dropped open and a wave of embarrassment flooded through her. “I’m so sorry, Wil.”





Willow swallowed and nodded. “Something was going on inside with him, you know? Things with us were a little rocky for a couple weeks and then he just up and left. No phone calls, no note. He just packed a bag and never came back.”





Buffy looked at her friend sympathetically but found herself at a loss for words. After all, it was her own fault she didn’t know about it.





“That was Spikes thing almost as much as it was mine,” Willow said.





“What do you mean?”





“The Dingoes band they had started in high school together was really taking off. Oz’s friend Devon played drums while Oz played bass and Spike sang and played guitar. When Oz up and left, Devon left, and Spike was alone. He didn’t want to continue the band without the original members,” she paused as Buffy let everything sink in. “His one past time he was really passionate about was pulled out from underneath him.”





Buffy felt such a wave of guilt. Spike had wanted to be in a rock band for as long as she could remember. It was his passion. He had even planned on taking business classes in college so he could be his own manager. To have all of that ripped away in a matter of days…





He worked long and hard for that band to be successful and it crumbled before him. And here she was, a high school graduate with no college experience who was handed this hoity-toity job getting paid top dollar to answer phones, transfer calls, look pretty and sit in meetings for her rich father.





Spike deserved to be successful, not her…





“I feel,” Willow sighed. “I almost feel like I shouldn’t be telling you all this, but I think for you to truly understand Spikes hostility you need to know… he’s developed a bit of a drinking problem.”





This caught Buffy’s attention again and she looked at Willow wide-eyed.





“What little money he gets doing solo gigs or bartending, he blows on cigarettes and whiskey.”





Buffy’s eyes welled up with tears. “I’ve been such a fool. God,” she said wiping a fallen tear. “If only I had known. If I had just called…”





“Seeing him spiral downward was hard on Mr. Giles. He blamed himself for everything and before long he started suffering from depression.”





Buffy dropped her head and let out a quiet sob. Of all people Mr. Giles should have been the last person to blame himself for Spikes depression and aggravation.





Willow continued. “Spike never really talked about it but we were pretty sure Mr. Giles recently went on anti-depressants. We did some reading and we think maybe they had a negative effect…”





“I still can’t believe it… he was more of a father to me than my own while I was growing up,” she said wiping at a few more tears with her napkin. “He still is…”





Willow looked sympathetically over at Buffy, knowing just how close he was with her before she left. Even with that knowledge it made her curious… until now Buffy hadn’t had much to say about Mr. Giles’ death, but has been more concerned about Spike. It was understandable, of course, but it was a little surprising she hadn’t had more questions and concerns about the man that was a father to her.





“He was like a father to all of us throughout high school, Buffy.” Willow said with a teary-eyed smile and a comforting hand on top of her friends. “But you were by far the favorite. Even more than Spike sometimes.” She chuckled.





“Yeah,” Buffy laughed as she wiped at her puffy eyes. “I think Spike was a little jealous when his dad took me to the father-daughter dance at school.”





Willow nodded. “He didn’t say it but I think Spike really wanted to be in that dress you were wearing. He wouldn’t stop staring…” she bubbled with tear-stained laughter.





Buffy was laughing uncontrollably now, appreciative of the change in mood.





“Buffy, I don’t mean to completely depress you or make you uncomfortable, but there’s something I really wanna tell you…”





From the tone of her voice and the look on Willow’s face Buffy knew this was serious, and so she immediately took the sad smile off of her face and held Willows hand on top of the table. “What is it, Wil? You can tell me anything…”





Willow sighed and frowned a little. She didn’t like feeling slightly bitter toward Buffy about the subject, but she just couldn’t help it. She had been gone and this information she was about to release was not new, it wasn’t recent. It was something that she should have known about a long time ago. She knew, however, that she couldn’t change the past and so it was now or never.





“I told you before that a lot had changed since you left, and not all of it is about Spike…”





Buffy furrowed her brow, unsure of where this was going. She already knew of Xander’s engagement, Oz’s departure and Mr. Giles’ death. Everything else she had found out was about Spike, so what else was there? “What is it, Wil?”





“In the next few days there’s someone I would like to introduce you to. She knows so much about you already just from the guys and I talking about you…”





Buffy’s eyes grew big and she sat up straight. “Oh my god Willow did you have a baby?”





Willow chuckled and shook her head, effectively bringing Buffy back down. She was intrigued again. “Buffy, I want to introduce you to my girlfriend, Tara.”





Buffy blinked a few times and sat back again. “Your girlfriend as in your close friend, or…” By the slightly saddened look in Willows eyes Buffy knew what she meant and the guilt set it, fresher than ever. “O-oh. Wow.”





“You’re freaked.”





“No! No not at all, Wil. It’s just… not what I expected you to say.” She sighed and smiled at her friend. “That’s great, really. As long as you’re happy…”





Willow sucked in a long breath, relieved that it was finally out and that particular secret was out to the last person who needed to know. “I am very happy, but it was really hard,” she said, voice cracking. “It was so confusing,” she said beginning to cry. “I couldn’t talk about it with Xander or Spike, or my parents. It was so hard, Buffy. I didn’t understand why I was having these feelings toward a woman, and so soon after Oz…”





Buffy understood what Willow was trying to say without saying it. “I wasn’t there,” she said sucking in a sharp shaky breath. “I wasn’t here for you.”





Willow broke down then, lip quivering and tears rolling freely down her cheeks as she looked to the side and choked out a sob. “You weren’t there. I was going through such a huge change in my life, and I was so scared.”





“Oh, Wil,” Buffy cried and together they stood and hugged each other over top of the small table they shared. “I’m so sorry I wasn’t here. It’ll never happen again, I promise! I’m so sorry.”





“I just missed you so much, but it felt like you had this great new life and you didn’t want us in it…”





Buffy snorted and wiped at a tear as she and Willow separated to look at each other. “Hardly. If it weren’t for the work I’ve been doing on the side I would have come home years ago,” she sniffled.





Willow dabbed at the last of her fallen tears with a clean napkin. “What do you mean? You’re not just working for your dad?”





Buffy took a deep breath and smiled at Willow across the table. She still had so much to tell her.











x X x X x X x











Buffy walked into her house an immediately called for Spike. She kicked her shoes off and set a bag of food down on the foyer table as she slipped her jacket off and hung it on the rack.





Answering her call Spike came walking out of the kitchen looking a little red-eyed and clutching a grey folder with the name of some insurance company on it. Her stomach dropped at the thought of it being information on Mr. Giles’ life insurance policy, and she wept inside for Spike knowing the insurance company wouldn’t hand over the money knowing it was death by suicide. With that thought on her mind, and everything that Willow just told her Spike was going through, is still going through, she did the only thing she could think of… she wrapped her arms around him.





Spike was a little surprised at first but realization quickly washed over him. Willow must have told her some stuff. Not really wanting to find out just how much she knew, Spike simply wrapped his arms around her and rested his chin on top of her head, hugging her fiercely.





There was so much Buffy wished she could say to him in that moment, but she couldn’t find the right words. She wanted him to know so badly just how much she missed him, and how good it felt to be in his arms again after all this time.





She never wanted to leave his arms.





Buffy frowned to herself. The feelings coursing through her didn’t feel like friendly feelings. They felt more like I want to kiss you breathless feelings… but for Spike? When and where did those develop?





Mentally shaking her head, Buffy decided she would think more on that later. Right now he was sad, and his tummy was growling, bringing her from her thoughts.





Buffy pulled back but didn’t let go of him completely. “I brought you a triple-decker club sandwich. How’s that sound?”





His stomach growled again and Buffy smiled up at him. He blushed a little and looked at the bag she’d left on the table behind her, then back down at her. He held up the grey folder in his hand and quirked a brow. “All this nonsense is wearin’ me out.”





Buffy nodded. “That and I’m told you’ve barely eaten in the last seventy-two hours…”





They separated and Spike looked down at his feet. Of course he hadn’t eaten. He couldn’t. But it appeared that now things were changing and his stomach didn’t care what he was feeling. It decided he needed food and he needed it now.





Being mad at Buffy was going to have to wait, worrying about the finances was going to have to wait, because with the amount that he’d been drinking while Buffy was gone, he needed food or he’d literally have no stomach lining in the morning.





“Come on,” Buffy said rubbing his arms. “Let’s get some food in your system,” she said and began to walk toward the kitchen.





“Buffy,” Spike said suddenly, grabbing her elbow as she walked past him, stopping her in her tracks and turning her toward him again. That was the first time he’d called out to her or even used her name since she’d come home and just the way her name rumbled from his chest made her heart clench and her insides tingle.





He surprised himself with the sudden need to call out to her. He’d been trying so hard to be mad at her for all her past choices and mistakes. Last night all he wanted was for her to go back to her cozy office in L.A. and stop pretending she cared. He wanted more reasons to stay mad at her. It was easier that way.





Right now, however, she was here and trying and he realized something… he wasn’t interested in easy.





She was looking up at him now, eyes big and sparkling green and although it had only been less than twenty-four hours, he was already done being mad.





“I missed you too.”











TBC

CHAPTER FOUR: Baby Steps

In twenty-four hours Buffy had seen the walls Spike built around himself, had seen how it affected those around him, herself included, and had seen those walls come down a bit. She didn’t want to think it was her that managed to crack him a bit. She didn’t deserve that kind of credit. However, after only a couple hours of talking and pouring her heart out about how confused and sorry she was, he himself began to tell her just what he and his father had been going through for the last few years.

“He was so aggravated when I dropped out of college.” Spike said as he swung a bottle of whiskey between his knees. “Didn’t speak to me for a few weeks. When he did speak to me it was about how disappointed he was.”

Buffy felt pangs shoot through her at that. She knew education was important to Mr. Giles but she never thought he could stop speaking to his son… his only son over it.

Spike lit and took a long drag of his cigarette. “He hated Dru and pretty much every other girl I brought home,” he said looking Buffy square in the eye. “He was never happy unless it was you.”

Buffy shifted a little in her seat. What was that supposed to mean? If she was honest with herself, she wouldn’t be able to deny the flutter in her stomach when he’d said that. She cleared her throat and blinked a few times. “I-I guess I never really thought about how my leaving would affect him. When I think about it I remember…” she paused, swallowing the lumps in her throat and wiping at a single tear from the corner of her eye. “He was a father to me, so I must have been like a daughter to him.”

Spike felt a slight tremble in his lower lip and he quickly sniffled and took a long swig from his whiskey bottle. “He loved you, that’s for sure.”

Buffy pursed her lips and let her gaze fall to the bottle between Spikes hands. It stunned her to see just how much of the bottle he had polished off since they’d started talking only an hour or so ago. She remembered what Willow told her about his possible alcoholism, and she suddenly felt extremely concerned.

Spike saw where her eyes rested, and he quickly grew upset and defensive. He stood abruptly from the kitchen floor where they had been sitting and pointed down at Buffy, who was now looking up at him wide eyed and nervous looking. “You talked to Willow about me, didn’t you? She told you she thinks I have a drinking problem…”

Buffy felt extremely uncomfortable with the way he was looking down at her. His eyes were wild, and his mannerisms were aggressive. This wasn’t right, and it had the potential to get worse. She quickly crawled up the wall and straightened her shirt. “No,” she quickly lied. “She didn’t say anything like that.”

Spike clenched his jaw and looked into her eyes, waiting for any indicator that she was lying.

Buffy held her ground, still scared out of her mind that he could get violent. She didn’t really know him; after all it had been five years since she’d spent any time with this man. He could be capable of anything for all she knew.

“Spike,” Buffy said holding out a hand to try and calm him. “Is everything okay with you? Do you need to talk to someone?”

That set Spike off. What a stupid fucking question! He blew up, throwing his cigarette and the bottle into the sink, shattering it and making Buffy jump in surprise and fear. “My father just committed bloody suicide! Put a bullet in his mouth, he did!” he yelled, making a gesture toward his head with his fingers. “Of course I’m not okay!”

Buffy felt so stupid. She was an idiot for asking that question, and who was she to judge on his drinking? He was hurting. He could drink all e wanted if that was what made him feel better. She looked him in the eye and her heart broke when she saw the unshed tears there as he glared at her, shaking.

She carefully reached out and touched her fingertips to his. He clenched his jaw and tried his hardest not to pull his hand away from hers. He was sick and bloody tired of people asking him if he was okay. It was a ridiculous question at a time like this. He would never be okay with this. A small part of him felt bad for scaring her the way he did, but he swore if another person asked that question he was really going to snap.

“I’m so sorry,” she said in a meek little voice, making Spike feel like more of a jerk. “I’m such an idiot for asking you that, I’m so, so sorry.” She carefully entwined her fingers with his and moved into his arms, getting her first real hug since the moment she’d stepped foot into town.

When her tiny frame moved to lean against him in a hug Spike felt the defensiveness melt away. After all, she didn’t mean to offend him, but she should know by now his temper was a short one.

Buffy breathed a sigh of relief when at last he put his arm around her, holding her to him. It felt good to be in his arms again after all these years. She felt good here. She felt safe here. And if she was completely honest with herself, she’d say she was excited to be here, wrapped up in his embrace. She nuzzled her face in his pectoral muscle and inhaled his scent. It was different than it used to be. Then again, that could be because he slept and showered here last night as was currently wearing Xander’s clothing. Xander’s goofy clothing…

Spike took a deep breath and caught the scent of her hair. After all these years it hadn’t changed even the slightest bit. He found he rather liked that. He unknowingly squeezed her a little tighter. He felt her nuzzle against his chest and it distracted him. He had an incredible urge to kiss her, but in no way would that have been appropriate. Still, he couldn’t help but imagine it. Gone was the mousy little girl that had left him so many years earlier. She was a woman now. She had curves in all the right places and soft, beautifully tanned skin. Her hair was longer and while no longer bleached, she had nice highlights that reminded him of rays of sunshine. He felt her manicured nails dig ever so slightly into his back, making him feel like she didn’t want to let go. Truth be told, he never wanted to let her go, and within moments he began to imagine those manicured hands doing other things, other naughty things to him and he quickly had to pull away before she could feel any evidence of his drunken thoughts.

Buffy couldn’t help the slight pout that formed on her face when he pulled back. She already missed having his hard lean body against her own, something she was afraid of him ever finding out. If he did he’d probably run scared and wish she’d never come back to town in the first place.

They separated but their hands became entwined again. Buffy looked up at him through her eye lashes. “Are we okay?” she asked cautiously, one hundred percent afraid of the answer.

Spike swallowed hard and looked at the golden beauty in front of him. She did make for a nice distraction amidst all the chaos in his life, and right now he needed that, and for that, he couldn’t stay mad at her no matter how hard he tried. “Yeah,” he nodded once, sucking in a deep breath and forcing a small smile. “We’re okay.”

Buffy felt as is a huge burden had been lifted off her shoulders. She just wanted him to talk to her, no matter what she had to do; she would get him to open up to her.

Spike sat there and absorbed her as she leaned in for another quick hug before pulling back again. She kept her hands on him as she looked into his eyes, then across his face, and at his hair. He knew he was a mess, and the hair at the back of his neck was beginning to irritate.

Buffy pursed her lips and tired to hide the disapproving look she was afraid would offend him, and looked into his eyes again. “Can I ask you a question?”

Spike half smirked and nodded.

She wrinkled her nose. “Is that the way you always wear your hair now, I mean, are you trying to let your natural color come back in or-“

He shook his head. “No, pet. That’s just evidence of my laziness. It’s starting to bother.”

Buffy smiled and sort of twirled back and forth with his hands in hers. “Then you know what we should do?”

Spike took a deep breath and fought t keep steady. All that whiskey was starting to kick in… finally. “Lemme guess…”

Buffy tilted her head and gave him her best pouty look.

It wasn’t the sort of thing Spike found cute anymore, no, now it was probably the sexiest damn thing he’d ever see-that pout on her full, glossy pink lips…

She noticed his staring at her mouth, and where it probably should have alarmed her or made her think stop, she found herself excited by it. With a twitch of her head she flipped her hair out of her face and purposefully flaunted a little neck and cleavage at him. “Come on, it’ll be fun, like old times…”

Spike was far too distracted to think of any other response except yes. Did she know what she was doing to him? Or was she just adorably clueless? There was no denying the woman in front of him.

“Alright, luv. Do me up good…”

Buffy smiled in triumph and pulled back, putting her hands on her hips, cocking her head and blushing when he didn’t stop staring at her body. She tilted her head toward the hallway. “Come on, let’s get you looking like you again…”



x X x X x X x



Spike closed the toilet lid and sat down, running a hand through his unruly locks one last time before they went back to being normal.

Buffy watched him out of the corner of her eye as she pulled her t-shirt up over her head and tossed it in the chute, leaving her in only a white cotton cami and some grey soffe shorts. It had been a while since she’d done any bleaching herself and she didn’t want to risk ruining some of the only clothing she brought with her from L.A.

When she bent over to grab a bleaching kit out from under the sink Spike couldn’t help but stare at her ass. She had definitely filled out nicely over the years. He had an incredible urge to smack her backside. He knew it was wrong, but he’d just blame that little thought on the liquor.

Just then Buffy stood straight and turned to face him. She set a bottle down on the sink along with a set of latex gloves and she held scissors in her hand, ready to snip away and bring back the confident man she knew was hiding under that hair somewhere. She looked him up and down once and cocked a brow at him. “Unless you want to explain to Xander why there are bleach stains all over his shirt I suggest you take it off. I haven’t done this in a while.”

Spike rolled his eyes and chuckled, a sound Buffy never thought she’d miss so much. “Great,” he said as he grabbed the hem of the shirt and pulled it up. “This coming from the bird about to chop away and color me.” He pulled the shirt over his head and balled it up, tossing it at her, much like he did the last time they’d done this together.

Buffy felt nostalgic as she pictured that night, but the sight of him on front of her now, shirtless and looking at her with the slightest of smirks on his face… Even with the icky hair he was drool worthy. And why did his accent seem so much sexier now than when they were kids? She swallowed hard and forced her eyes away from him. She was here to help him grieve and cope, not to have naughty thoughts about the guy she walked away from years ago.

Spike could have sworn he saw her staring at him, and his ego swelled, but then she looked away and blushed and he felt as if maybe for a moment she was seeing him as more than her former best friend. Not that it would mater either way. In a week she would go back to her new home and back to her fancy job in her wonderful new life… away from him.

“So,” Buffy said after clearing her throat. She approached him and started slowly snipping at the ends of his unruly curls. “I know…. You’re not ready to go over there. Not yet…”

Spike stiffened as the pain of reality came rushing back at him.

“But you need clothes. Your own clothes,” she said tenderly. “If you want… If you’re okay with it, I mean, I’ll go over there and grab you a couple of day’s worth so you don’t have to wear Xander’s goofy stuff anymore. I don’t mind.”

Spike was quiet and his change in demeanor was easily noticeable. Buffy already felt back about bringing it up.

“If you want I could just run there and back while you’re in the shower…”

Spike swallowed hard and thought for a moment. He knew sooner or later he was going to have to go back in there. The house was his now, after all. He should just man up and go over himself, but he needed someone to tell him it was okay, that he wouldn’t have to see… anything.

“Yeah,” he responded after what felt like an eternity, and Buffy was relieved. He looked up and caught her gaze, holding it for a moment hoping Buffy would understand what he needed. She did, and she nodded at him before she continued to cut his hair. Spike looked down at his hands with blurred vision. “I’d appreciate that.”



x X x X x X x



Buffy listened to the sound of the water running in the shower as she slipped on a light jacket and walked out her front door.

The house down the street was dark and almost eerie looking. Of course she probably only felt that way because she knew what had happened inside. Still, she missed that safe and warm feeling she used to get when she would go to Spikes house.

She rubbed her arms to fend off the night cold as she quickly made her way up the cobblestone walk and to the front door. With her hand on the door handle she made a quick mental note of where the light switches were so she could see what she was doing. With her luck she would trip over some piece of furniture she didn’t see in time and knock herself out in the dark.

The door was unlocked and with a simple push the door opened with a creak, sending a slight chill down her spine. It was creepy, walking into a house she used to know so well and feeling like she had no idea where she was going.

Buffy flicked on the light in the living room and shut the door behind her, immediately surveying the room for anything out of the ordinary. Everything was exactly as she had remembered it, and for the second time tonight she was feeling extremely nostalgic.

She stepped into the living room and toward the stairs, knowing she should just go to Spike’s room, get his clothes, and get back, but she had to spy around and see if anything had changed. She was genuinely curious. As she approached the stairs she did look over at the door to Mr. Giles’ study. She never asked, but she had an overwhelming suspicion that was where he had died. Buffy supposed she shouldn’t snoop, she should just go upstairs, grab what she came for and get back home, but Spike also needed to know it was okay to come home without being anymore emotionally scarred than he already was from all this. She should go in and make sure there was no… mess.

With a deep breath she shook the chill from her shoulders and walked over to the study, pushing the door open and flicking the light on. It was creepy the way the furniture was moved and the old persian rug was very obviously mussing. She was relieved, though. Aside from furniture placement there was no evidence of… anything… happening in there.

Before turning to leave Buffy couldn’t help but look at the lone picture on the desk, a family portrait from when Spike, when William, was a kid. Both Mr. and Mrs. Giles looked so young and healthy in the picture. They were happy…

How could someone be so happy one day, and then another day just decide to take their own life? It was absolutely heartbreaking.

Buffy flicked off the light after one last look around the room and closed the door behind her, making her way over to the stairs and up to the second floor. The closer she got to Spikes bedroom door the chillier it got. At first she thought it was just her, but when she could see her breath she knew it wasn’t just her mind tricking her, it was real.

The doorknob to his room was ice and as she turned it and entered the room she stopped in her tracks. The entire room was littered with bottles, empty bottles of various alcohols, with a special emphasis on whiskey.

She shook her head and tightened her jacket around her body. It was one thing to have a drink and try to cope with something bad. It was another thing entirely to drink so much it pushes your loved ones away. Buffy was beginning to see the bigger picture in Spike and Mr. Giles’ relationship.

A draft whipped its way across her face and her attention was drawn to the open window above the bed. Buffy tip toes her way around the multiple glass bottles toward the bed, leaning forward on one knee as she reached over and closed it, shoving a few stray cigarette butts out of the way in the process.

Buffy stood straight and looked around the room, deciding where to start. Her eyes landed on his cluttered dresser and she carefully moved over to it. She sifted through each drawer, looking for essentials and something more comfortable for him to wear. Quickly she pulled out two t-shirts, two pairs of black denim jeans and a couple of pairs of black socks. She looked for underwear or boxer shorts but could only come up with one pair, so she took that and got ready to grab some things from the bathroom when something in the drawer caught her attention. Folded and shoved in the far corner of the bottom drawer, hidden behind old clothes were a few pieces of paper with Spikes handwriting on them, all banded together.

For a moment Buffy just stared at the papers, telling herself that whatever was written on them was private and absolutely none of her business. Something nagged at her, though, and pulled her to look at what was on the sheets. Buffy furrowed her brow and pulled them out, quickly unfolding them and reading the handwritten words.

As she stared at the papers and read what Spike had written, she came to realize they must have been song lyrics, maybe from his Dingo days, maybe not. They were interesting, and although there was no music for Buffy to put with the words, they moved her.

Every desert can be found in any one grain of sand…
All the oceans are inside your every tear…
A single minute was a year you never came for me…
I feel the agony of hope when you are near…

To Buffy, what she was reading was more than just powerful words on paper, they were Spike, and his inner most thoughts. They were his true feelings. They were deep. Maybe he wrote these when he and Dru split up?

Looking through other various sheets and reading what she assumed were other songs she decided she looked forward to hearing him sing some of them. As she prepared to leave and she reached back down into the dresser drawer to put the stack of papers back, a glossy photo folded in half caught her attention. The moonlight caught the resin on the photo, and not caring at this point that she was completely invading his privacy she picked it up and unfolded it, surprised to see it was a photo of him with her. It was so long ago, she couldn’t quite recall when the picture was taken or where, but she loved it. They both looked so happy, and Buffy couldn’t help but run her fingers across the image of Spikes smiling face. It almost hurt to see him so happy knowing how miserable he really was.

Shaking her head to herself, Buffy moved to set the photo down, noticing at the last second that there was something written on the back.

All I ever wanted…

An entirely new wave of emotion flooded Buffy’s mind and body when she read the words. A combination of guilt, lust, worry and embarrassment flushed her cheeks and she quickly put the picture with the sheets of music back in their hiding spot within the dresser.

She sucked in a deep breath and stood, clutching an armful of Spikes clothes in her arm and she moved toward his bathroom, looking for more things to grab.

Her mind was running a mile a minute. Why would he write those specific words on the back of a photo of her and him together? And how long ago did he write it there? This was information overload and being only her second day back in town she wasn’t ready for such potentially life altering information. This was her best friend. Any answer to either of those questions could change the way she looked at him forever, and she wasn’t ready for that.

Buffy quickly grabbed shampoo, body wash, and after shave from Spike’s bathroom, oddly eager to have him smelling like him again, and left the house, all the while pushing thoughts of the photo out of her mind.

When she walked back through her own front door she immediately noticed she couldn’t hear the shower running anymore. “Spike?” she called out from the foot of the stairs. No one answered. Buffy frowned and kicked off her shoes, pushing a wayward strand of hair out of her face as she ascended the stairs.

She peered into the open bathroom, noticing it had steamy post-shower dew but no Spike. As an after thought Buffy set all of Spikes toiletries down on the bathroom counter so they’d be there for him tomorrow, and then continued on across the hall to her own bedroom.

“Spike?” she asked as she pushed the already ajar door the rest of the way open. What Buffy saw both got her blood rushing and her heart warmed. Spike was lying horizontally on her bed, wrapped in nothing but a towel, fast asleep and using Mr. Gordo as a pillow. Looking at his head upon her favorite stuffed animal and his calm, sleeping face made her heart swell. His white muscled torso and soft, creamy white skin made her mouth water.

The onslaught of hormones and emotions invaded her senses again and she felt a headache coming on from the aggravating seriousness of it. She very much wanted to crawl into her bed next to him and lay beside him, feel him next to her, but her brain screamed no, and for a moment she cursed her mother for her good and proper upbringing.

She quietly walked up to the side of the bed and pulled a blanket from the chair nearby, covering him lovingly, not wanting to wake him even to urge him to dress. He needed sleep and she couldn’t wasn’t exactly ready to face him quite so soon after seeing that photograph.

Buffy set the pile of his clothing on the chair next to the bed, turned off the light, and left the room to let him rest, gazing at him one last time before closing the door behind her. As she turned away from the door to make her way downstairs she jumped. Dawn had been hovering behind her.

“Whoa,” Dawn soothed as she cocked a brow at her jumpy older sister.

“Jesus, Dawnie, you scared me,” Buffy whispered, holding one hand to her chest.

“Sorry. I didn’t mean to. Mom and I just got home,” she said looking over her sister’s shoulder at the now closed door. “Was that Spike? What’s he-“

“He fell asleep while I was across the street grabbing some things for him,” she said with a shrug. “I didn’t have the heart to wake him.”

Dawn looked down sympathetically at her. “How is he today? With you, I mean…”

Buffy and Dawn walked together down the hall, taking their voices away from the bedroom door. “He and I talked some stuff out today. And I talked to Willow; she filled me in on a lot of stuff. It helped.”

“Good,” Dawn sighed when they came to stand at the top of the stairs. “It gave me tummy rumblings when you weren’t talking.”

Buffy looked back down the hall at her closed bedroom door, wanting very much to go back in there with him. “Yeah, things are… less tense. But they’re still not great. He’s letting me back in, though, and that’s good.”

Dawn smiled. “I’m glad. I think a reconciliation between you guys is exactly what he needs to get through all this.”

Buffy nodded, still gazing at the door.

Dawn followed Buffy’s gaze down to the door and looked back at her, suppressing a smirk. “And maybe he’s exactly what you need too.”

Buffy frowned and looked at her baby sister. “Huh?”

Dawn ignored her, still smirking, and kissed her on the cheek. “Well I’m beat, I’m gonna go to bed.”

“Wait, Dawn…”

“Night Buffy.”

Buffy watched as her sister disappeared into her own bedroom, closing the door behind her. What did she mean by that? She was fine. She didn’t need anything. Spike was the one who needed someone…

With a sigh Buffy stretched and craned her neck, heading downstairs to clean up the kitchen and talk with her mom a bit. It was going to be another long night.


TBC

CHAPTER FIVE: The Way We Were







“Oh my god, Spike, look! It’s so cute…”





Spike arched a brow at the fat stuffed pig sitting by itself amidst teddy bears, stuffed flowers, and posters of that goofy boy band…. New kids around the corner or whatever they called themselves. Of course Buffy would fall in love with the goofy thing no one wanted. “That thing?” he pointed while giving her a look.





She gave him her best pout and nodded while looking up at him through her thick lashes. He looked away and clenched his jaw, shaking his head and trying very hard not to smile at her. He wouldn’t give in to that pout. If he gave in every time she’d get used to it and he just couldn’t allow that to happen.





Buffy saw him shaking his head and huffed. She knew what would get him to win it. He wouldn’t be able to resist her charm. “Mr. Gordo looks so lonely over there…. All by himself…”





Spike spun and faced her, giving her another look. “You named the thing already?” he exasperated.





Buffy cocked a brow and smirked. And now for the kill… “Fine. If you don’t want to I’ll just call Angel and he’ll come get it for me. I just hope Mr. Gordo's not gone by then…”





Before Buffy had even finished her sentence Spike pulled out his money clip and stepped up to the Carnie. The object of the game was to knock over all the overly-weighted bottles with a single throw of a baseball. Spike never was too keen on sports. Why couldn’t this be a shooting game? He thought. Or poker?





Buffy giggled as she skipped up behind him and rested her hand on his one shoulder, silently thanking the gods that she had a friend like him. Even if it did take him – six? - tries to finally get it.





Nearly twenty dollars later and Spike had finally won his choice of a prize, thankful that Buffy was standing right beside him as he asked for the stuffed pig. Even if she hadn’t been, though, her reaction when she finally had it in her arms was enough to make him ask for the queerest thing in this entire carnival, just as long as she kept smiling like that.





“Thank you thank you thank you! Spike, I love you, I love Mr. Gordo!” she pounced as she clutched the thing to her chest.





Spike nodded and smiled before stuffing his hands in his pockets of his leather duster. Even after asking for a ridiculous pig he felt good. Dru wasn’t a stuffed animals or flowers type of girl, so he didn’t get to puff out his chest and be manly for her very often. Buffy was his primary chance for that, even if she was just a friend.





Buffy smiled down at her new stuffed pal as she pet its faux fur. She would never admit it to Spike, but Angel wasn’t exactly a frilly-prize winning type of boyfriend. He was more of a stand-at-the-same-basketball-game-until-you’ve-won-the-useless-scooter type. He never would have swallowed his manly pride to win her the pig. She was eternally grateful to Spike for that.





Spike was staring, and he had to force his eyes away before anyone noticed. Taking in a sharp breath he looked around and motioned his head toward a food stand. “Come on, Goldilocks. Let’s get me a flowering onion before Xander and Wil get here and eat it all on me.”





Buffy tilted her head at him and smiled. “It’s on me. A thank you for my twenty dollar pig…”





Spike smirked and nodded, taking her up on her offer. Cute and she offers to pay? She was perfect…








x X X x X x X x








Spike woke to the beam of sunlight stretching across his eyes. He inhaled a deep breath and stretched as he rolled and opened his eyes, pausing to take in his surroundings. Buffy’s room? That’s right, he came in here last night while he waited for her to come back with clothes.





He lifted the blanket that covered him and looked down at himself. The towel had fallen off and he now lay on top of Buffy’s bed spread completely naked. He really hoped that had happened after the blanket was draped over him.





He looked around the room for a clock, and couldn’t help his surprise when he saw it was nearing noon. He’d slept for nearly fifteen hours. That was the most sleep he’d gotten in years. He instantly felt bad through. If he slept in Buffy’s bedroom all night, where had she slept?





Spike sat up and was preparing to wrap himself up in the discarded towel when he spotted the clothing folded neatly and placed on the chair to the left of the bed. He reached over and picked them up, unfolding them and holding them out in front of him. His old black jeans were certainly a sight for sore eyes and he felt huge relief to have his normal clothes back. It had been nearly a week and he’d been wearing his suit or Xander’s clothes that entire time. The clothes he had been wearing when he found his father…. Well they were ruined, and he asked Mrs. Summers to throw them away.





Spike stood and let the blanket drop, and he grabbed the one and only pair of boxer shorts he owned that Buffy somehow found, and pulled them on. He had been wearing soft sweat pants the last two days, he needed to ease himself back into wearing his tight fitting jeans while going commando.





He pulled a black t-shirt over his head and tucked it in before buttoning his jeans around them. He felt better just being in his own clothes again. Things were a little more normal that way. Spike folded the blanket Buffy had put over him and set it neatly on the foot of the bed, then grabbed his discarded towel and walked it across the hall to the bathroom where he threw it in the chute, listening to it fall and to the small thud it made when it finally reached the basement floor. He looked in the mirror at himself, at his newly cut and bleached hair, and suppressed a small smile. He felt so much better since last night.





Having Buffy back, having her around again, Spike felt maybe her presence was something he would need in order to get through this. Maybe she could help him make sense of everything that had spiraled downward in his life. Maybe she was the key…





Still looking in the mirror, he realized how refreshing it was to see himself looking the way he used to. That was how he had looked when he was happy. Sleep had given him quite the cow-lick on one side of his head though, and he looked around for some hair gel or hair spray he could use to tame it. As he looked he noticed his own products sitting on the counter and he suppressed another smile. She was a smart one.





With a fresh sense of determination he picked up the hair gel and put it to work, anxious to get downstairs and find the girl he needed to see.








x X x X x X x X x








Buffy sat in the kitchen with her palms gripping a glass of fresh squeezed juice as she watched and listened to her mother as she mulled around the kitchen. Joyce had been going on about something that had happened at the gallery, and Buffy tired really hard to pay attention, but her traitorous mind just kept wandering back to Spike, his lyrics, and the photo she’d found hidden in his dresser drawer. Not to mention Dawn’s subtle comment from last night, and it all had her imagining the ‘what ifs’ in her life. What if she had just stayed in Sunnydale, and gone to community college like the others? Or what if she had just made more of an effort to come home more often or at least invite her friends to come stay with her in L.A. every once in a while. What if she had been around when Spike and Drusilla’s relationship went under? Could her presence have saved him the embarrassment and pain? If she had stayed, would he have even stayed with Dru in the first place?





Buffy shook that last thought from her mind. It wouldn’t have been like that. Spike was a loyal, loving boyfriend to Dru. She was just letting one little quote on the back of one little picture go to her head. When it read All I Ever Wanted it probably was just referring to the friendship they’d shared. She was just reaching, and jumping to conclusions about his true feelings.





“Buffy…”





Buffy raised her eyes from her glass to her waiting mother. Busted, she thought. Caught daydreaming. “Huh?”





“Honey, are you alright? You’re zoning out a lot,” Joyce stated, looking concerned.





Buffy let the guilt once again. “I’m sorry, mom. I didn’t mean to ignore you.” She motioned to her head. “Just… kind of busy up here, you know?”





Joyce gave her daughter a sad smile and walked around the kitchen island to wrap her in a hug. Buffy hugged her back and inhaled the unique mom scent, and then saddened, knowing Spike would never again feel that sensation for either of his parents.





“Mom, I’m sorry.”





Joyce pulled back and frowned. “For what, honey?”





Tears brimmed her tired eyed. She hadn’t slept much on the couch the night before and it was starting to show. “For not being here. Literally and figuratively.””





Joyce’s heart sank. She did not want her daughter blaming herself for things out of her control. She opened her mouth to speak but was interrupted when Spike emerged from the hallway.





“Morning…”





Buffy whipped around in her seat and couldn’t help the beaming smile on her face when she laid eyes on him. Joyce didn’t miss it either.





“Spike,” Buffy breathed, his appearance and presence making her feel a hundred times better inside. He looked… amazing. His hair was that familiar platinum color, and slicked back again, showing off his face and eyes. He looked rested and comfortable in his old clothing. He was Spike again. Buffy stood and faced him fully. “How’d you sleep?”





Spike sucked in a breath and smiled briefly. “Good. Too good, actually,” he said, and then he gave her a pointed look. “You should’ve woken me; you shouldn’t have slept on the couch in your own home.”





Buffy shook her head and took a careful step forward. “No. I wanted you to sleep there. You needed it.”





Spike tried to portray his gratitude with a lingering stare, combined with a gentle smile, and Buffy had no trouble seeing it. When the stare became more intense and he felt himself pulling toward her, he quickly looked around for a distraction. He cleared his throat and looked at Ms. Summers. “Joyce, do you know where my suit had gone to? I think my belt was still looped in the trousers…”





She gave him the same loving smile she gave her own children. “I steam cleaned the suit. It’s hanging next to the ironing board in the basement. Your belt is on top of the dryer.”





Spike stepped over to the woman and kissed her on the cheek. “Thank you.”





Joyce caressed his arm lovingly and smiled as he pulled away and let himself into the basement, closing the door behind him.





When he was completely out of sight Joyce looked at Buffy. “What went on here last night? I’m seeing contradicting evidence here…”





Buffy feigned ignorance. “I don’t know what you mean,” she said as she sat back down and sipped her juice.





“Buffy last night I came home to find a shattered liquor bottle in my kitchen sink and you sleeping on the couch. And yet, here is Spike looking a hundred percent better when he hasn’t looked like that for more than a year. Buffy, what happened?”





“We just talked some stuff out. I asked to do his hair and he agreed. I went over to his house to get some clothes for him. It was a very back and forth evening but we’re okay. He’s still gotta work through some stuff, but-“





“Did he open the insurance folder that came in the mail?” Joyce asked with a worried tone.





Buffy’s face fell and she recalled his distress over everything yesterday. “Yes. The insurance company won’t pay out because it was self inflicted. He has no money coming and now he has to figure out a way to pay for all the expenses and the mortgage and taxes.”





Joyce put a hand over her heart and sat in the chair beside Buffy’s. “Oh, poor William. This is all so sad,” she said as she shook her head and looked at her daughter, shifting a little in her seat. “If it weren’t for all those medications they had him on…”





Buffy nodded. “So many cases come through dad’s office about people suing pharmacies and drug companies and-“ Buffy stopped mid sentence, light bulb beaming. “Wait, how long was Mr. Giles on his newest med?”





Joyce frowned and scrunched her eyebrows together. “I don’t know, honey, it wasn’t exactly a topic of conversation between us.”





Buffy stood and backed away, a pensive look on her face as the wheels turned in her head. “I gotta run and check on something real quick. When he comes back up tell him I’ll be back in a bit, okay?” Buffy turned and moved quickly out of the kitchen and toward the front door.





Joyce was confused, and she could do nothing but stare after her daughter as she listened to the front door open and close as she left. Just then Spike reemerged from the basement as he buckled his newly found belt, looking a hell of a lot better in his own clothing.





Joyce turned in her chair to face him as he scanned the room for Buffy, noting she was missing already.





“William, honey, can I fix you something to eat?”





Spike sighed and looked around, still not finding Buffy. He wanted to say no and just find Joyce’s eldest daughter, but the growl that came from his stomach betrayed him. He and just opened his mouth to protest when the offending noise worked its way from his stomach up and out of his throat, and he blushed. “That would be wonderful, thanks.”





Joyce smiled and stood, patting his arm lovingly as she made her way over to the cupboard. “What would you like, sweetie? Something hot? Something cold?”





Spike shrugged and took the seat she had just vacated; leaving the one Buffy had been sitting in open in case she came back downstairs and planned to sit with them again. “Whatever’s easiest for you. I’ll eat anything.”





Joyce smiled as she moved to the refrigerator and peeked inside. “I remember,” she said grabbing a few things and closing the door with her foot. “I miss the days when you and Buffy would come home after school and raid the fridge. The bizarre concoctions you two would create out of whatever we had laying around…” she shook her head as she set a frying pan on the stove top.





Spike smiled to himself at the memory and picked at the already chipped black nail polish on his fingers. He missed those days too. It was a routine they’d fallen into right after high school started, and it never stopped the entire time they were in school together. Even while he’d dated Dru he’d made Buffy his priority. Got him into trouble a few times, but in the end he felt it had all been worth it.





Then Buffy just up and left, and he’d felt like she had taken that time together for granted. He spent all that time with her instead of Dru, and she’d just left, and then Dru had strayed. Part of him wanted to blame her, but he knew in his heart that he couldn’t. It wasn’t her fault. Now that she was here, though, he wanted to savor the time with her again, and he hoped she would savor it too. He didn’t want to lose her again the way he already had.





“I’ve got all the fixens for a Reuben. How does that sound?” Joyce asked as she dropped some butter into the already heated frying pan.





“Hm?” Spike was pulled from his thoughts and he quickly nodded. “Sure, sounds wonderful,” he said looking over his shoulder toward the hallway, hoping to see Buffy emerge from the other room. She didn’t. He listened intently for a moment and noticed he couldn’t hear any movement in the house other than Joyce making him lunch. He was starting to get anxious. “Where did Buffy go?”








x X x X x X x X x








Buffy stepped over the threshold into the Giles residence for the second time in less than twenty four hours. Sunlight made all the difference in the world, and as she closed the door behind her, she couldn’t help but notice how much nicer the place looked in the day time. It was comfortable, just as she’d remembered it.





Looking around the place there was so much she wanted to do but there was a task at hand and she needed to get some answers, and fast.





Buffy took a steadying breath and made her way towards the stairs, needing to find wherever Mr. Giles kept his prescription medications. If she could figure out if there was a change in dosage or a new prescription all together, she could maybe pull some strings at her dad’s law firm to get the insurance claim reevaluated. It was a long shot, but it would be worth it if it worked.





Buffy made her way up the stairs and over to the door to the master bedroom, feeling extremely nosey but also determined. Buffy wanted so badly to make this all better for Spike, a sort of penance for leaving him in the wind all those years ago. Nothing she could do would make this all okay. The only thing that would make it better would be to turn back time and keep Mr. Giles from pulling that trigger. That was impossible, but if she could at least bring him the slightest amount of relief in all this turmoil, then she would sure as hell try.





She pushed her way into the master bedroom and searched the wall for a light switch. The curtains were drawn and the room was clouded in darkness, sending a reminder of what happened up and down her spine like an icy chill. Once she found the switch and illuminated the room she took a moment to re-familiarize herself with the space. It had been years since she was last in this room, and even when she had been, she and Spike had been kids, sneaking around the house looking for something to get in trouble for. Oh what she would do to go back to the days of being so young and care free with no worries, no job, no bills, just homework and after school plans.





Buffy straightened her t-shirt and stepped forward into the room, looking toward the bathroom door that was slightly ajar. She swallowed and pushed her way into the small room, freezing at the sight in front of her. The room looked ransacked, bottles and personal items strewn across the counter and floor. The shower curtain was pulled down; it almost looked like maybe a robbery had taken place. Only, it was the only room in the entire house that looked that way, so it couldn’t have been the case. Pills were all over the place, like Giles was trying to get rid of them, or perhaps find the right ones.





Buffy swallowed hard and knelt down, picking up the tiny pills and sorting them into piles, hoping to eventually place them back into the correct bottles so she could figure out which ones might be linked to his illness. She was no pharmacist, so for all she knew this could be for nothing, but at least if Spike came through here… when he came through here, he wouldn’t have to see the chaos.





Minutes felt like hours as she picked up every last pill, razor, bottle of aftershave, and whatever else was on the floor. She didn’t want anyone seeing the place this way. After hanging the tattered shower curtain and making sure it was hanging straight, she turned her attention back to the multiple bottles of pills. All of them were old prescriptions, running three or four months at a time, save for one. One bottle was dated only a few weeks earlier, and it looked like there weren’t many missing. This is it, she thought as she held the bottle. This is the one. Quickly she moved out of the bedroom and back downstairs toward the study. On the big oak desk sat an ancient looking computer, one she was sure hadn’t been replaced since before she graduated high school. As she pressed the power button she just hoped it wouldn’t take it as long to fire up and start running.





Checking the name on the prescription bottle she quickly typed it into the default search engine on the old PC. The moment her results popped up she knew she hit pay dirt, and her sneaking suspicions appeared to become fact, and she quickly picked up the phone and dialed.








x X x X x X x X x








Spike gulped hard as he placed his hand on the door knob to his own front door. He hadn’t been back inside since, well, since. Eventually he’d have to, though, and Buffy had been gone for a while now. When Joyce had told him where Buffy had gone, he became intrigued. Why’d she go over there again? She’d just gone over there last night… what could she be doing? Joyce hadn’t been very forthcoming with details, and he needed to see her, so into the house he would go.





He was incredibly tense as he walked inside, quickly closing the door behind him. He looked around and noted how incredibly normal everything looked inside the home. And yet, it didn’t feel quite like his home anymore. It was a shell of a home. A place that had once held happy memories, now held memories of terrible pain and sorrow. He wasn’t so sure he even wanted the house anymore. Not that it mattered; he would probably never earn enough to money in the time he needed in order to make the mortgage payments before it foreclosed.





As he looked around the house he heard rustling come from his fathers study. What was she doing in there? The noises intrigued him and he slowly made his way towards the door. The muffled sounds of her voice became clearer, and it was obvious then that she was on the phone. A slight twinge of jealousy pierced him and he grew uneasy of the thought of her talking to another man while in his would-be home.





Jealousy wasn’t something he should feel. He should be grieving over the loss of his father, and worrying about what was going to happen in his life next, not who Buffy might be talking to. She wasn’t his to keep track of. She hadn’t even been in his life the past five years, save for the last couple of days where she came rushing back into his life all at once. Even still, he couldn’t ignore the pangs he felt at the thought.





He placed his hand on the door frame and leaned forward slightly, listening in on what she was saying.





“Just hurry up and do what you can. I need to just figure all this out and get it over with…”





Spikes jaw clenched as he tried to keep his anger and resentment under control. So all she wanted was to get her role of supportive friend over and done with so she could get back to her precious life in the city. Sucking a breath in through his nose he pushed the door the rest of the way open and looked in on the girl in the room, startling her.





“What are you doing here?”





TBC

CHAPTER SIX: A Change of Heart

The sound of the door being forced open startled her and Buffy spun in the large office chair, holding the phone receiver with her free hand to muffle her sound of surprise to whomever she was speaking with. She was surprised to see Spike standing in the doorway looking none too pleased with her.

“What are you doing here?” he asked angrily, not taking his eyes off her to look around even an inch.

Buffy blinked rapidly, swallowing hard and slowly taking her hand off of the phone to speak. “I’ll call you back,” she stated simply before hanging up the phone and turning to rest of her body toward him. He didn’t take his eyes off her, something she noticed again. It was as if he was trying not to look at anything else in the room, afraid of what he might find or see.

“Spike,” she spoke softly. “Maybe you shouldn’t be in here so soon after…”

His jaw clenched again and his knee wobbled. “Planning your escape already? Hate it here that much, do you?”

What? she thought. Why would he think…

“Spike, no,” she said standing and moving her way over to where he stood in the doorway. He still wouldn’t take his eyes off her, or even blink for that matter. “I’m not going anywhere anytime soon. I would never leave without telling you, I swear.”

Spike pursed his lips and nodded, chuckling dryly. “Oh that’s right, you give two weeks notice and then take off. I forgot.”

Buffy stopped in her tracks as that verbal whiplash struck her across the face. She could only take that particular guilt trip so much. It was getting old, and fast. “Spike I came here to help. I think it may have worked, too.”

“Help? Sitting at my dead father’s desk rummaging through his things,” he said motioning past her to the pill bottle next to the phone, where his eyes were now stuck, getting red and glossy. “How the bloody hell is that helping?”

Buffy faltered for a moment. It did look bad, really bad and also morbid but she was trying to help. She just… needed to see if it was worth telling about first. “Spike, I have a theory… and,” she sighed, letting her hands fall to her sides. “I needed to be sure that it was worth going for before I got your hopes up.”

Spike clenched his jaw and looked back down at her, eyes cold and glossy from unshed tears. “Then talk.”

Buffy swallowed and looked down for a moment, gaining the courage to drop this news on him now, before anything was certain.

Spike was clenching his fist to contain the shaking that was threatening to show. A thin sheen of sweat was also beginning to show on his pale skin, though he blamed that on the fact that he hadn’t had his spot of Southern Comfort yet today. The overly large sandwich Joyce had made him eat wasn’t helping his weak constitution any.

Buffy looked back up at him. “Working for my dads law firm, I’ve pushed an awful lot of paper. After a while I started reading some and I started to learn a thing or two…”

Spikes attention was piqued. What did her job have to do with any of this? And more importantly, why wasn’t he staying angry at her?

“There have been a few insurance claim cases that have gone to court over destructive medications…” she said as she stared into his eyes. When he didn’t react right away she continued. “Usually the medications are depression related. There are all these warnings on bottles and commercials and waivers that say if your depression worsens as a result of a new medication or a change in dosage, to stop and contact your doctor. Problem is, many of the victims of this problem aren’t thinking clearly because of the medication and don’t have the sense to call their doctors or stop.”

Spike swallowed and blinked a few times, shifting his weight from one foot to another. “Are you telling me that all this,” he said motioning around him. “Is because of his medicine?”

Buffy pursed her lips together and nodded her head, clasping her hands together in front of her chest. “I don’t want you to get your hopes up just in case it falls through, but there is a very good chance that we can get the insurance claim re-evaluated under the grounds of a mis-dosage that caused a psychological break.”

It was a lot to take in. He still hadn’t gotten used to the idea that his father was no longer around. Now he had the idea that although his death had been a suicide, he could still collect the life insurance his father had invested in, and then keep the house. Despite his mixed emotions about everything that had happened in the house, he still didn’t want to sell the place off. It was home.

Buffy grew immensely nervous when he didn’t respond. He was standing there; breathing heavily from what she assumed was the stress of being inside the house when he’d already admitted he wasn’t comfortable with it. He was repetitively clenching and unclenching his jaw, and his eyes were completely glossed over. For a moment she thought about snapping her fingers in front of his face to see if he would react, when suddenly he blinked and swallowed.

“What do I have to do? Should I get a lawyer and file a claim, or-“

“I already did it,” Buffy half smiled. “We should get an answer within the week.”

Spike let out an audible gasp and squeezed his eyes shut, grabbing onto Buffy’s upper arms and pulling her into a fierce hug.

Buffy couldn’t help the squeak that slipped its way out of her once she found her body pressed so firmly against his so suddenly. He was a vice like grip on her as he breathed heavily on her neck, exasperated and unsure of how to thank her for her help.

When Buffy felt him pull back she was sure their little hug was over, and though she chose not to think too hard on why she was a little disappointed that she wouldn’t feel him against her anymore, she smiled. His lean body was something Buffy found herself noticing a lot more than she ever had in the past and the thought that he could be pressed up against her front, against her back, it made her quiver in that more than a friend kind of way. That was something she’d never thought she would feel for him.

She raised her eyes to his when he pulled back, and gasped into his mouth when suddenly he pressed his lips against hers. She was shocked, to say the least when he didn’t pull back right away. It felt like it was meant to be a short, chaste thank you kiss, but his mouth lingered, his top lip nestled comfortable between her top and bottom lips. She could feel the hesitation in his body, but he didn’t move away.

Spike didn’t realize it was happening until it had already happened. He was hugging her, nearly in tears at the relief he’d felt from her news, and all of a sudden his lips were on hers. He wasn’t exactly sure how it happened, but he was also certain of one very important detail- it felt really fucking good.

Spike’s grip on Buffy’s upper arms loosened and without that firm support Buffy felt herself leaning forward unto him, bringing her thoughts from how good it felt to the fact that it was coming to an end. Her body and mind pouted.

Spike pulled out of the kiss and rubbed Buffy’s arms soothingly with his thumbs, feeling suddenly bad about the fierce hold he’d had on her. His eyes opened slowly, afraid to see her reaction, and exhaled deeply.

Buffy opened her eyes slowly as well, pulling her bottom lips into her mouth hoping to pull any lingering taste of him into her before she could forget how it felt to have his lips on hers, sure that it would most likely never happen again. She was too stunned to say anything. Too disappointed that it was over already…

Spike cleared his throat and let go of her arms, ignoring the way she wobbled before regaining her footing, and pulled her into an awkward hug. “Thank you,” he whispered into her shoulder.

Buffy eased a bit and thought about what it must feel like to have the load off of his shoulders. Had it been the other way around she probably would have reacted the same way. She sighed and let her body sink back into his embrace, this one a little more familiar. “You’re welcome.”

x X x X x X x X x X x

Buffy sat on her bedroom windowsill, gazing out at the sunset behind the houses across the street. Her mind couldn’t sit still, jumping back and forth from one incident to another, making her stomach flutter with one memory and completely drop with another.

Her feelings for Spike were changing. This she could no longer deny. He wasn’t the same man she’d left behind so many years ago. He was older, rougher, somehow sexier, but his heart was the same, save for a few battle scars. Buffy found herself completely drawn to him, and where she may have been able to push away all thoughts of romance or potential feelings for him before, the kiss they’d shared earlier that day had shattered all control she had over her emotions.

Her body ached for him now, and she was mad at herself for it. There were more important things to deal with here, and eventually she would have to go back to her place, to her job in L.A. There was no time to fantasize or see if this would go anywhere. She snorted to herself and shook her head. He probably didn’t feel anything for her anyway. She had let four tiny words written on the back of a photograph run rampant through her mind, and jump to conclusions that were more than likely false. Man, did she know how to bring herself down or what?

A gentle tapping on her bedroom door pulled her from her thoughts, though, and she quickly whipped her head around, pulling the wind blown strands of hair away from her mouth with her index finger. Her heart skipped. “Come in!”

Spike blinked a few times and sucked in a seep breath as he turned the door knob. He felt so awkward after his impromptu kiss earlier, so afraid he’d scared her off, all thoughts of his father and everything else were washed from his mind. He couldn’t lose her again. He wouldn’t. He’d find a way to make the distance between them work if that was what he had to do.

He pushed open the door and looked around the darkening room, finally spotting Buffy out on the windowsill. He sighed in relief. “Hey,” he breathed out as he stood in the doorway and stuffed his hands in his pockets.

Buffy turned her body in her spot and wrapped her arms around herself, smiling. “Hey,” she responded meekly.

Spike was stunned by the picture in front of him. She was so beautiful. The sun setting behind her shone and cast her silhouette toward him. Her hair and eyes sparkled as the wind blew around her. She was absolutely breathtaking; he never wanted to take his eyes off of her. She was his angel, sent here to help him through all of this. He could see that now.

“I’m sorry,” he said, ducking his head slightly.

Buffy furrowed her brow and tilted her head slightly to the side, much like he used to do. “For what?”

He slumped, feeling guiltier than ever. “For jumping on you earlier, getting mad about you being in the house.”

Buffy’s eyes showed realization. She nodded.

“For kissing you the way I did. I shouldn’t have put you in that position,” he ducked his eyes. “Shouldn’t have assumed that was alright…”

Buffy swallowed hard and tried not to blush as she climbed back into her bedroom and stepped closer to him. “Hey,” she said, drawing his eyes back to hers. “Since when do we apologize for getting in each others personal space? I think never…”

Spike sighed and smiled, shaking his head to try and hide his blush from her. “I’m still sorry.”

Buffy half smiled and grabbed his hand, bringing his eyes back to hers once again. “You’re forgiven.”

Moments felt like hours as they stared into each others eyes. There was so much unspoken between them now, more than there had been before Buffy ever came back to Sunnydale. Spike had no idea how to tell her that his feelings for her were changing. If he did tell her, would she believe him? Or tell him he wasn’t thinking clearly?

There was so much Buffy wanted to talk to him about, things not involving their kiss but about what they had been doing for the last five years. She wanted to explain herself to him, and give him the chance to forgive her.

“You wanna take a walk?” she asked, looking up and into him.

Spike swallowed, and Buffy watched as his adams apple bobbed up and then back down. “Yeah,” he nodded, looking down at their joined hands, and held on just a little bit tighter.

x X x X x X x X x X x

Buffy and Spike slowly walked the darkened streets of Sunnydale hand in hand, not saying much, unsure where or how to start. One of them had to sooner or later, though, and Buffy wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt.

She looked up at him as he watched their feet, kicking a stone out of their path. She was going crazy inside with wanting to kiss him again, to share these new feelings she had with him, but fear held her back. She didn’t want anything else screwing with his head right now.

“So…” she started awkwardly, looking forward again. “Now that you’ve been back inside the house do you think you’ll start staying there again?”

Spike shrugged and kicked another pebble. “Probably… in a few days or so. I want to move some stuff around first.”

This intrigued Buffy. “Oh?”

Spike suddenly felt like a ponce. “Unless you think I should go there tonight. I’m sure I’ve probably worn out my welcome…”

“No! No,” she chuckled and touched his upper arm with her free hand. “You could never. You know you’re always welcome there. Stay as long as you want.”

Spike looked at both of her hands on him and swallowed, his heart aching for her. He hoped she would never move her hands off of him. It felt too good. “Thanks.”

Buffy pursed her lips and looked back down, clearing her throat. “So what do you mean when you say move things around? You mean like rearranging?”

Spike nodded and felt guilty. “Yeah. So you think that’s too insensitive? I feel like if I make the place look different, it won’t seem as empty. I walk in there and it’s like I expect to see him sitting at his desk, but if I move it or get rid of it them that picture is less likely to flash in my head.” Spike sighed and looked down. “Does that make any bloody sense?”

Buffy smiled sadly and nodded, squeezing his hand a little tighter. “Yeah it does. And you know, eventually you have to make that place your own. It’s up to you to decide.”

Spike nodded. “You don’t think it’s too soon?”

Buffy spotted a bench over in front of the Espresso Pump and she pulled him over to it, sitting down and facing him when he followed suit and sat beside her. “What matters, Spike, is that you’re comfortable in your own home. It’s not too soon if that’s what you need to be comfortable.”

Spike clenched his jaw and swallowed the lump in his throat. “I’m afraid that if I change the house, and a relative stops in and sees it, they’ll think I don’t care. They all think I’m a bloody fuck up as it is.”

Buffy shook her head and scooted closer to him, filling his leg with the warmth from her own. “Anyone who really knows you, Spike, knows how much you loved your dad. A coat of paint and rearranging the furniture isn’t going to change that love. Do what you feel you need to do to feel better, not what other people think you should do.”

Spikes eyes were brimmed with tears as he looked at her and nodded, eternally grateful for the little bit she had just said to him. He didn’t want to seem insensitive or disrespectful, but it simply hurt to walk into that house the way it looked now.

Buffy looked back and forth from one eye to another, drinking in the sight of him and refraining from jumping into his lap and kissing him breathless, His kiss earlier left her hormones in a frenzy. Jumping his bones wouldn’t do well to help anything, though.

When she realized she was staring she looked away and cleared her throat. “You know if you decide to start making some changes before I go back to L.A. and you want some help… I have some experience in that area…”

Spike blinked away the impending tears and took a deep breath, smirking and quirking an eyebrow. “Have experience moving and rotating furniture, do you?”

Buffy tried to look offended but only managed to smile and shake her head. “When you say it like that it sounds quirky.” She blushed. Guess now’s the time to let them know what I’ve really been up to… “No, I um…” she took a deep breath and faced him again. “I’m setting up a small interior design business in L.A. I’ve been doing it on the side for extra cash for the last two and a half years.”

Spike was completely thrown, and also not completely sure she was telling him the truth. “Are you yanking my chain?”

Buffy expected the surprise. She shook her head. “No. No yanking of any kind or anything. I’m actually planning on opening a little shop once I get enough money. I need a descent work space.”

“What about the law firm and your job with your dad?”

Buffy shrugged. “Once I’m on my feel with it I plan on quitting. I can’t sit in a stuffy office typing up invoices and making appointments for criminals for the rest of my life. It’s just not me. I’ve put up with it for this long, and it set me up for what I really want to but I can’t do it much longer. I’m going crazy.”

Spike sat back and exhaled. “Wow. Not at all what I expected to hear from you.”

“I know,” Buffy said looking down at her fidgeting hand. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before. I haven’t told anyone really. My dad thinks I just dabble but a friend in L.A., Sophie, she knows.” She let out an audible huff and looked up, smiling. “I really love it, though. And everyone I’ve designed for had loved my work so far. And you should see some of the rooms I’ve had to work with so far, I mean yeesh!”

“So let me get this straight… You’ve made a living by telling people what color to paint the walls and what bloody throw pillows to buy… and then charge them for it?”

Buffy smirked and nodded. “In a nutshell. I can turn a gross, mediocre room into one filled with class, style, sophistication… I’ve had one or two Californian hoity-toits call me for advice!” She tilted her head and gave him her best not-so-modest face as she brushed her shoulder and sat back examining her fingernails.

Spike smiled and shook his head, nudging her arm with his as he looked at her. “You always did love those sodden style magazines…”

Buffy’s smile widened. “You remember that?”

Spikes smile faded as he nodded. “I remember everything about you.”

Buffy gulped and entwined her fingers with his again.

Spike looked away and tried not to think about what he would do when she left again. She would set up her business in some cozy little shop in L.A. and she would have no reason to come back to Sunnydale again “Well,” he said as he stood and faced her, still holding her hand as she raised herself up to stand before him. “I think I might need to employ you’re services and have you design me a new parlor, and perhaps a more adult bedroom.”

Buffy smiled tenderly. “Really? You want me to design you two rooms?” At his nod she shifted and hid her smile. “Alright well it’s gonna cost you…”

“Is it, now…” he said holding her hand up and twirling her around as they stepped off the curb and made their way down the street again. “How about I make my first payment in…”

A kiss!

“Pineapple pizza.”

Aw damn. Oh well, still yummy!

Buffy’s eyes lit up and she looped her arm through his as he stuck his hands in his pockets. “Well you drive a hard bargain but Okay!”

Spike smiled through his sadness.

“You know what else we gotta get, though?” she asked looking at him with raised eyebrows.

Spike looked at her and smirked. “Spicy Buffalo Wings?”

“Exactly! Let’s pull an all-nighter and pig out in your bedroom like when we were kids! Oh please oh please oh pleeeease don’t say no! Let me be a kid again even for just one night, please?”

Spike chuckled and held his opposite hand out to settle her as they walked. “Okay, okay. No need to beg, luv. You know I can’t say no to a night of you and Spicy Buffalo Wings.”

Buffy jumped up and down and squealed. “Yay!”

Spikes heart hurt even with the prospect of a fun filled night with Buffy. Something was keeping him down. His father, his depression, his loneliness and the thought of Buffy leaving… it was all getting to him. He looked up and the neon sign he saw straight ahead called to him. He stopped their walk.

“Listen, why don’t you call and order the food so we can pick it up on our way home. I need to run in here real quick.”

Buffy didn’t have the time to protest. In the time she took to look up and see where they were, he’d slipped from her grasp and into the liquor store, leaving her standing alone on the street corner. She sighed and let her smile fade as she pulled out her cell phone and searched through the speed dials. “Right…”

It’s gonna be a long night…

TBC

CHAPTER SEVEN: Just a Little Push




Buffy tossed the lump of crust down into the nearly empty pizza box and brushed the lingering crumbs off of her fingertips. She watched Spike as he sat back in his chair, full from all the food they’d consumed. She finished chewing her last bite and swallowed, sitting back in her seat and mirroring Spikes posture.

When they came here Buffy expected them to retreat up to Spikes bedroom like they used to do when they were kids, but when they entered the house Spike headed straight for the kitchen, probably hoping to avoid an intervention speech that would be brought on by the abundance of liquor bottles littering the bedroom floor. Not to mention the one he’d picked up while they were out for their walk. Little did he know that she planned on saying something to him anyway, and then they’d head upstairs and she would make him help to clean things up. This place needed to be livable whether he was going to stay or sell.

Buffy eyed the whiskey bottle sitting in front of him. He’d already drank about two shots worth. That seemed to relax him enough and she intended to cut him off at that.

“So,” she started, catching his attention and leaning forward to grab the bottle, taking a very brief swig before replacing the cork and setting it down on the floor out of sight. “Do you have any ideas about what you want to do to the parlor? Fresh coat of paint… new furniture…”

Spike shrugged and tried not to come across as bitter that she’d taken his whiskey and deliberately tucked it out of eyesight. “Don’t quite know yet,” he said looking at her. “Don’t exactly have a lot of money to be throwing around on stuff like that. Need to get me a steady job first,” he said shaking his head. “Can’t bloody well find anything permanent.”

Buffy leaned forward on her elbows and cupped her chin in her palm. “What sorts of jobs have you had these last couple of years?”

Spike blushed a little, something Buffy was beginning to find adorable on him, and he exhaled deeply. “I’ve worked a couple fast food joints, I’ve done custodial work…” His eyebrows raised and he perked up for a moment. “I did a few solo sessions at the Bronze and got paid for those… Not crazy about becoming a lounge singer for fellow townies, though.”

Buffy remembered his drawer full of song lyrics.

All I Ever Wanted…

She swallowed and blinked a few times. “Did you ever consider being a song writer?”

Spike was a little surprised. “Write songs for other people to sing, you mean?” He shrugged. “I don’t know. Seems too complicated.”

Buffy shook her head and sat back again. “You’ve got talent, though, Spike. I’ve seen the lyrics to some of your songs. You may want to reconsider either selling the rights to some or getting over your stage fright and-“

“Oi! I don’t have stage fright, alright? It’s just… different being up there by myself. I’m used to being part of a band, you know? And when have you ever read or heard my songs, hm? Wasn’t exactly writing my own stuff when I was with the Dingoes…”

Buffy panicked and her cheeks flushed. She’d forgotten she’d only come across those papers because she was snooping through his things. She was not a quick thinker when it came to convincing lies. “Um…” Her mouth flopped open and closed a few times, resembling a fish. “Well, you know, I stumbled across a sheet or two when I came to pick up some of your clothes the other night,”

Spike sat up a little straighter and looked away from her for a moment. Exactly which lyrics had she seen? And what did she really think of them? He cleared his throat and stood, cleaning up the food mess to busy himself. “Yeah?” he asked somewhat nervously. “What did you think?”

Buffy gulped and followed suit, helping him clean up and load dishes into the dishwasher, so very domestic of them. Spike didn’t miss the feeling that coursed through him when he thought of this becoming more permanent. His mind didn’t let him relish in the feeling long, though, and he quickly reminded himself that she had another life in another town, and in just a matter of days she would be gone again.

Buffy took a deep breath, remembering the feelings and memories she had gotten as a result of reading his song lyrics. She smiled shyly to herself. “I liked them,” she said closing the dishwasher and turning to face him, feeling emboldened. “I’d like to hear you sing them, though. I think I’d understand better… what you were feeling…”

Spike clenched his jaw, his heart racing as he pictured singing to her all of the feelings he’d had for her. He was fairly certain at this point that she’d gone snooping in his bedroom and found his little shrine to her in his dresser drawer. He found he was annoyed with her, but also anxious for her thoughts and feelings on them. It was overwhelmingly tempting to ask, but not tempting enough. He cleared his throat as he finished washing his hands and turned the faucet off. He didn’t know what else to say to her now, so he chose to drop the subject completely.

When the silence between them grew longer and more awkward Buffy decided to change the subject, albeit another difficult topic, but it was one that needed to be discussed. Besides, if he was going to act like a child and ignore her just because he didn’t like the topic then she’d change it to one he liked even less.

She pushed herself off of the kitchen counter and made her way over to the door. “You can stay down here if you’re more comfortable, especially since you’re apparently not talking to me anymore, but I’m going into your room to clean out all the trash and bottles.” She felt bitter at his sudden silence and stubbornness and she maliciously snapped at him. “You know it’s a miracle they didn’t suspect you of anything with the way your room looks right now. You’re lucky you weren’t questioned for murder or manslaughter…”

Spike instantly fumed and clenched his jaw so tight he thought for a moment he might break a molar. She was a complete bitch for saying that. Did she even have a soul? “There’s record of me being at the Bronze that night. There is no motive and my fingerprints were not on the pistol,” he said as he leaned over the sink. He felt like he’d been kicked in the gut. “Believe me when I tell you they looked at me long and hard.”

Buffy instantly regretted her words once she’d said them; it was as if someone else completely had taken over her brain and mouth. Unfortunately it really was her, and she wished she could take the words back without him hearing, but it was too late and there was no taking them back. She stood with her hand poised on the door frame as he spouted angrily at her. When he finished she pursed her lips and ducked her head, moving out of the room filled with shame and guilt.




x X x X x X x X x X x




Buffy spent a good ten minutes in Spikes private bathroom crying her eyes out, so disgusted with herself at her little outburst. She’d had no right to say the cruel things she’d said to him. He’d had enough things to be upset about, and he didn’t deserve any more pain in his life.

When she’d finally composed herself enough she reemerged from the small tiled room, wiping at her damp eyes and looking around the bedroom, at all of the trash. She quickly moved and started to gather the bottles, stuffing as many as she could into her arms before walking them over to the small trash can. One trip had already filled the waste basket, but with blurry vision, Buffy didn’t seem to notice. She sniffled and walked her way over to another area of the room, bending and picking up more bottles. When she reached out to grab another bottle she paused… another hand had reached out and grabbed it first. When she looked up Spike was gazing back at her, crouching in the same manner as herself, his eyes red and puffy like hers.

Buffy’s lips quivered and she dropped the bottles in her arms, lunging forward and into his arms, squeezing her eyes shut to hide the fresh tears that threatened to spill. She held him tight, trying to make him feel how sorry she was and just how much she cared for him.

Spike was a little surprised by the hold she had on him, but he also knew she hadn’t meant what she said downstairs, and that she was probably very upset with herself, and with him. He knew her well enough to know that sometimes her foot liked to live in her mouth, and although it wasn’t something he would easily forget, he was willing to forgive her for what she’d said. What he hadn’t expected, however, was for her to pull back and look at him before pressing her lips against his.

Their noses bumped and Buffy inhaled sharply as she pulled back for a moment before leaning in and kissing him again. He wasn’t entirely sure why she was kissing him, or why she suddenly brought this on, but the way his body was reacting to hers was the only thing he could think of. The feeling of having her soft body pressed against his, kissing him through her tears… the only thing better that he could think of was if she had been kissing him through a smile instead.

He’d take what he could get.

Spike snaked his fingers into her hair and the tiny noise she made as a result had him hooked. He knew then that he would be lost to her forever. Carefully he parted his lips to try and catch a taste of her. She responded immediately and eagerly and within seconds her tiny pink tongue was poking out to meet his.

Butterflies that felt like bats fluttered in her stomach when he pulled her flush against him, groin and all. The high she got from kissing him didn’t even compare to anything any man had ever made her feel before. Her entire body tingled at his touch. It was new, and unfamiliar, but she knew wanted to keep feeling it… to keep feeling him.

She couldn’t help the mewl that escaped her lips as she moved her arms from his body to up around his neck, successfully pulling her as close to him as she could possibly get with clothes on. Her fingers slipped into the hair at the top of his neck. He purred in contentment.

Spikes fingers gripped her waist and slipped partially under her top, tickling the exposed skin on her hips and lower back. This wasn’t what he had expected to get from her when he decided to come up here, but with each passing second he was becoming more and more attached. He didn’t want to let her go.

Buffy inhaled deeply through her nose, refusing to let go of this moment even though she knew there were going to be repercussions. It was wrong, and it was taking advantage of a bad situation, but he wasn’t at all pulling back and that was enough to fuel her forward. Her stomach did another flip flop and her rude conscious finally got the best of her. Before long she began to gently push away from him.

His forehead creased in despair when their kiss finally ended with a smack, but he was afraid to open his eyes. A small fire had been ignited inside him during those brief spontaneous moments, and he was not about to let her douse it already. He would give her her space, if that was what she wanted, but he would in no way let her crawl back into her shell or let this incident go unmentioned. He’d had enough with their dancing. He needed her too badly.

Buffy swallowed hard and opened her eyes wide, looking at him wearily with blurry vision, stunned with herself for allowing this to happen, and afraid of his reaction.

Spike did the same, though he did not let go of her waist as they panted and stared into each other.

Buffy suddenly panicked and shook her head, covering her mouth with her hand as a new wave of tears spilled forth. “I…”

Spike shook his head and pleaded with his eyes for her to be kind in her words. He wasn’t sure if he could handle any form of rejection from her, especially when she was the one to start the whole thing in the first place. She’d set him up and she was already ready to knock him down…

Buffy saw the look in his eyes and she wavered a little. She didn’t want to hurt him, but she couldn’t let that happen again. “I-I’m sorry,” she spoke softly. “I shouldn’t have done that… and I shouldn’t have said what I did…” she said fighting more tears. “I just felt so bad. I was such a bitch and you didn’t deserve it…”

Spike swallowed his own tears and Buffy watched as his adams apple bobbed the way it always did. She fought the renewed urge to put her hands on him, She hated herself for being so weak, for not being able to keep her priorities straight and help him without jumping his bones and acting like a wanton tramp. She needed to learn to control herself in her outbursts and her actions, no matter how tempting his sexy bones were.

She pulled in a claming breath of air and looked him in the eyes. “This,” she sniffled, “can’t keep happening. Not like this.”

Spikes world had crumbled with the death of his father, and now Buffy was around kicking the stones. He no longer had the will power to argue. He had wanted very much for this to keep happening between them. Why couldn’t she? So far it was the only time he felt uplifted at all, but he supposed the rational part of him understood why she was saying these things. He’d let it drop… for now… but only because he had a good amount of whiskey in him again and she wouldn’t take him seriously if he tried to fight for her. He’d find his moment though… he just hoped he got one before it was too late.

Spike released his grip on her somewhat bitterly, and didn’t miss the way she quickly scurried backwards, putting a good three feet between them as she pushed the hair out of her eyes. He swallowed the lump in his throat along with the zillion things he wanted to say to her and continued to put the stray bottles in the garbage, acting like nothing had happened, but knowing he could never forget that it did.

Buffy busied herself by standing up and making his bed and finding ways to change the subject all together. “Do, um,” she said clearing her throat and acting as if nothing had happened between them. “You have any blank paper and a pencil? Or a pen?”

Spike clenched his jaw at her quick dismissal of everything and nodded his head toward the night stand. “In the drawer there.”

Buffy flushed at his anger and carefully stepped around the foot of the bed and reached for the drawer, opening it and seeing a stack of blank paper right on top. “Did you have any preferences… a-about colors or fabrics? For the rooms?”

Spike smirked through his anger. His face felt like it was a thousand degrees as he worked to keep from blowing his lid. What the bleeding hell did he know about fabrics? “I’m not so partial to hot pink, but other than that anything will do. Just so long as it doesn’t look the way it does now.” He could feel her eyes on him. “Bloody well tired of the same old shit.”

Buffy gulped at his obvious irritation and looked around the room again, reminding herself of the things she knew he loved. The room now was simple, and not the least bit elegant. Grey walls and some posters were all that decorated the space. A nice four-post bed and matching armoire were the only things that stood out to her. She started to think of his favorite colors, and watched out of the corner of her eye as he tied up the garbage bag and tossed it into the hall, landing with several loud clinks.

Her cheeks burned as her thoughts traveled back to their very much recent kiss, and how angry she was at herself for coming across as cold after she’d abruptly stopped it. She hadn’t meant to, she just needed him to know she couldn’t take advantage of him. He was a lonely man who needed comforting. Was that what she had been doing? Comforting a grieving man? She’d enjoyed it far too much for her to justify it that way. It had been made abundantly clear to her though, in that brief moment, that she wanted him… and she wanted him bad.

Ashamed at her uber trampy-ness she ducked her head and started a small sketch on the paper provided, closing the drawer from which she’d grabbed it, not noticing what had lay just beneath the other papers.




x X x X x X x X x X x




Spike finished cleaning all of the unwanted junk out of his bedroom and looked over at the now sleeping blonde in his bed. She’d fallen asleep an hour or so earlier as he went through his dresser drawers and closet, pitching and bitching everything that he no longer wanted. He’d had time to cool off, and he no longer felt like ripping the place apart as a result of her wishy-washy behavior. He’d be a big boy and deal.

He’d worked up quite a sweat while lugging bags and bags of junk out of the room and down to the garage. He took his sweat-soaked t-shirt off and wiped his forehead with the back of his arm. As it turns out, Buffy hadn’t done much cleaning or rearranging like she’d planned. She’d sat on the edge of his bed and sketched, occasionally asking him a question or punching buttons on her little smart phone. She looked like an accountant busy at her desk the way she shuffled from one sheet to another so quickly. More than once he’d turned and caught her staring at his naked back, and a twinge of cockiness would grace his lips as he worked on. There was something there, and she could deny it all she wanted. He wasn’t going to let it drop.

Spike wasn’t sure when she’d fallen asleep. He’d looked over his shoulder at one point to ask her a question and saw her passed out on his pillows. It hadn’t been the first time she’d fallen asleep in his bed, but looking at her now… this was the first time he’d felt a certain possessiveness over her. He fell in love with the sight of her sprawled out on top of his sheets.

Looking into the room from the doorway he felt a sense of accomplishment… something he hadn’t felt in quite some time. So much clutter had been removed from his bedroom. All of the garbage, all the bottles, everything that reminded him of Dru… it was like a breath of fresh air. And a perk? That fresh air smelled like Buffy. It was exhilarating.

Spike looked over at the clock and though he’d been working non-stop for hours on end and never yawned once, it was as if seeing the time made him feel tired all of a sudden. It was nearing four in the morning and all the work from the day had finally caught up to him.

For a moment he thought about waking Buffy and taking her back over to her mother’s house, but a closer look quickly changed his mind. She had kicked off her shoes, pulled off her sweatshirt, and had wiggled herself under the comforter. She looked like she’d already made up her mind to stay, and with that he made his way into his bathroom and prepared a hot shower to rid himself of the salty sweat and grime that had formed on his skin.

It had been over a week since he’d showered and slept in his own home, the thought of what had happened just downstairs making him flee from the place where he’d grown up. He’d thought a lot about it in the last few hours, the room being so quiet he couldn’t help himself. In that time he decided that even though the memory hurt, there was no way he could let the house go. There were too many happy memories here to let one terrible one chase him away. He wasn’t a runner. It wasn’t in his nature. He would just… avoid the study for a while.

Spike turned the water faucet and held his hand in the water until he was sure it was a comfortable temperature. De-vesting himself of his pants and rare pair of boxers his mind traveled back to Buffy again. He knew she was beginning to feel something more for him… more than companionship, more than best friend. He could see it in her body language… in her soulful green eyes. They sparkled at him in a way they never had when they were younger. Back when he’d wished she would look at him like that… when he wished she would love him.

He still very much wanted that love from her, but this time around it came with a price. Even if she would overlook what brought them back together and admit that her feelings were real and not out of sympathy, she lived in a completely different city. Would she expect him to move to the city with her? If so then he wasn’t ready for that. He’d only just decided he couldn’t leave his home… their home really. And anyone who knew him knew he was no city boy. What she would ask of him he simply could not give her. Not right now.

Stepping under the spray he immediately tilted his head back, keeping the runny gel and grime out of his eyes as it was washed out of his hair. He smiled a bit to himself, thinking about why his hair had gel in it anyway. He hadn’t taken the time to groom or clean himself up in months. Then Buffy shows up and bam… they fall right back into the patterns they shared half a decade ago. He loved that about her. Her mere presence could change the mood of a room entirely… and it had.

When she first showed up here he was mad at her. She hadn’t taken the time to see him or speak to him in years. Not for birthdays, not for Christmas… why should a death in his family make any difference? As he thought about it though he realized that he probably owed her his life. She’d brought him back from the brink, and all he could think about was how bad it was going to hurt when she up and left again, and neglected to call like she’d done before. They would part, and grow apart, both too afraid to have a go at a relationship for entirely different reasons. She thinking that it was inappropriate at a time like this, and he too afraid to make a big change in his life. But what about that expression… it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all?

Spike sighed and finished washing himself, busying his mind with thoughts of anything but Buffy’s inevitable departure. It wouldn’t do him any good to dwell on it and sulk. He would do the only thing he could do… finish his shower, suck it up and go to sleep. Tomorrow would be a whole new battle.




x X x X x X x X x X x




Buffy stirred in her sleep when she heard the shower curtain being yanked aside. For a brief moment she panicked, forgetting where she was, but the scent of the sheets that surrounded her refreshed her memory, and she settled back in with a slight smile.

The room was dimmed. Spike must have turned down the lights when he finished cleaning. The space looked substantially better, and Buffy was glad to see he’d taken the initiative to do it himself after she’d fallen asleep. He still had a ways to go, but she could tell he was already showing signs of healing… both mentally and physically.

The door to the bathroom swung open and, afraid of any deep meaningful conversations at this point in the night, she pretended to once again be asleep. She heard Spike come out and could hear rustling as he went through his drawers. Carefully she opened one eye and peeked over at him. Satisfied that he had his back to her she opened her eyes completely and silently watched him as he made his way around the room.

The sight of him made Buffy’s heart swell. Shirtless and damp, wearing nothing but a silver chain around his neck and a towel hanging low on his waist… he was positively drool worthy. If he’d stripped and told her to spread her legs for him right now she would do it in a heart beat. Consequences and conscious be damned. His pale skin had her fingers itching to touch him. Never in her life had she had such want for one person, and of course it had to be him. She wondered if it wouldn’t be so bad for them to be together. Their platonic relationship wasn’t working so well anyway, what with the kisses and dirty thoughts and all…

He turned toward her and she quickly closed her eyes and steadied her breathing. If he caught her ogling him it wouldn’t exactly help the situation they were in. Plus his ego, if it was anything like it used to be, would never let her forget it.

Spike quickly dropped the towel and pulled on a pair of shorts he’d pulled out of the drawer. Something told him going commando wouldn’t exactly make her happy. Though technically… it could…

Shaking his head at his own inappropriate thoughts he tossed the wet towel down by the door and flipped the lone desk lamp off, darkening the room to pitch blackness.

Buffy could sense through her eyelids that the light was now off and she took the moment to sneak another peak at him. His eyes would be adjusting to the darkness anyway and he wouldn’t be able to tell she was looking. To her disappointment, and relief, he was wearing shorts, but nothing else. She closed her eyes again as the mattress depressed under his weight as he carefully crawled over her and settled between her and the wall, pulling the covers up over his legs and scooting up behind her.

Buffy couldn’t help it, her heart began to race. He was spooning her! All on his own… even after all the events of the day. Slut Buffy hadn’t come out to play and yet he was snuggling up to her. She couldn’t help but assume that he too had developed some feelings… This was so incredibly new and strange. Once her best friend, now her crush? Her mind couldn’t take much more of this back and forth insanity.

After Spikes body stilled and his breathing slowed, Buffy found the urge to voice just one question that she couldn’t seem to ignore. One that she looked to the ceiling for as she swallowed hard and carefully entwined her fingers with his.

“How did I fall in love with you?”

There was no answer… not that she had expected one, but she was once again torn. She wanted him, but she didn’t want to cross a line. How did the universe expect her to balance this out without anyone getting hurt in the process?

What she didn’t see was the wide awake man lying behind her with his expression of bewilderment and turmoil on his face. Despite how tired he had been before, it would be tough finding sleep tonight.




TBC

CHAPTER EIGHT: Progress

Birds were chirping and the sun was shining on Buffy’s face. She was warm, and content, and beyond relaxed. She hadn’t slept that good in a long time. Around her the blankets were warm, and the body holding her was hard and lean.

Wait… The body?

Buffy’s eyes shot open and her body went rigid as she took in her surroundings. It only took a second for her to realize who was holding her. That wasn’t really a surprise after what she’d seen in his eyes last night. What had her slightly uncomfortable, however, was the pressure of something poking her backside as he lay spooned behind her. Her face flushed and her heartbeat quickened. What shocked her most was the urge she instantly had to grind herself backwards and get a better feel for his size. Without moving she could tell he was well endowed, and she only wished she could sneak a peak at him without him waking up and catching her. There was no way possible, though. She was afraid she would wake him just with her heavy breathing, let alone her turning over to ogle him. Then they’d really have an awkward moment. What she needed was to slip out of his bed and pretend like none of this happened at all.

Biting her bottom lip she slowly and carefully pulled the blanket off of herself and slipped her legs over the edge of the bed. His arm around her midsection tightened and for a brief moment Buffy thought she might not get out of this one. The shift in the bed she had caused had stirred him, though; just long enough that he let go of her and absent mindedly scratched his chest.

Like a bat out of hell Buffy jumped up and held a hand to her chest to steady herself. She kept her back to him and squeezed her eyes shut, willing this terrifying moment to go away. She waited to hear him say something or make any noise at all to indicate he was awake, but she heard nothing. Cautiously she looked over her shoulder at the bottle blonde laying in his bed, and immediately let out a sigh of relief when she saw he was still fast asleep.

Relieved that she’d gotten away with that one, she now grew curious again and she moved to sneak a peak at his lengthy lower region. But, as the saying goes, curiosity killed the cat. Just as she could start to see under the partially tented comforter he rolled away from her, hiding what her eyes had so desperately wanted to see.

Buffy huffed and smirked to herself. She supposed that’s what she deserved for trying to have her cake and eat it too. She couldn’t tell herself not to go there and then still catch a glimpse of his goodies. That just simply was no fair, and the powers that be seemed to agree.

Running a hand through her hair she let out a big breath and turned away, deciding it was best she leave the room and get her mind on something else. Instead she shook off that first-thing-in-the-morning scare and got ready to head downstairs to take a look at the living room and see if she could distract herself by toying with the furniture set up.

Moving through the hall and down the steps Buffy decided a hot cup of coffee sounded wonderful, and she quickly headed into the kitchen to see what she could find before starting her project.




x X x X x X x X x X x




When Spike woke up in his own bed he felt wonderful. He was comfortable, sated, and the sun was shining into his bedroom which always put him in a good mood. He’d hardly had time to open his eyes and look around before the smell of fresh brewed coffee hit his senses. He smiled to himself thinking about his father being downstairs cooking a big breakfast for him. Then reality rushed back and splashed him in the face like a cold bucket of water.

His heart dropped to his gut and a cold sweat broke out over his face and chest. His father was not downstairs, and he was not making him a big breakfast. He was dead. Buried and gone into the ground never to be seen again.

Tears formed quickly in his eyes, so quickly he couldn’t swallow them down. They swelled up and trickled down the sides of his face before he could even lift his hand to try and wipe them away. It had been over a week since his passing and yet this was the first time he’d actually woken up and forgotten what had happened. He forgot what his father did to himself, and he’d felt for a split second that everything was okay.

Spike whimpered to himself and wiped angrily at the water marks on his face. He’d already gone through this part of the grieving process. He didn’t want to do it again. It was too hard. Instead he moved his thoughts to the real reason his home smelled like coffee.

Buffy. He’d nearly forgotten that he’d fallen asleep with her in his arms. And what she’d said before he’d fallen asleep…

How did I fall in love with you?

Buffy was the one to leave him in the dust years ago, and to forget to be his best friend for five years. Now she comes back and he’s telling himself not to get attached to her, and not to act on his true feelings for her, and here she is confessing in the middle of the night that she’s in love with him. Like hell he would let that one go. He just needed to find a good time to confront her about it, and to stop her from running… because there was no doubt in his mind she would try.

Spike took a deep breath to steady himself and wipe away the excess moisture from his eyes, sitting up and shaking off the stunning reaction he’d had to the aroma filling his house. He would have to take a moment to regain his composure before going downstairs to find the woman of his thoughts. He really wanted to confront her outright about what she’d said, but he knew he’d have to ease into it or he’d scare her off. She always was skittish. He only hoped he’d build enough courage and endurance to do so, and that he wouldn’t screw and let her get away.




x X x X x X x X x X x




Buffy set down her cup of coffee and stepped up on the tiny step ladder, lifting the curtain rod up out of its socket and taking it down completely. She smiled to herself as she added it to the pile of items that had all been moved to the center of the room. Furniture, lamps, pictures… everything in the entire room had been moved into the center and covered with a large white drop cloth.

She stepped back and looked at the progress she’d made already this morning. Smiling to herself she picked up her coffee mug and took another sip. All she needed now was a couple gallons of paint and she’d have this room looking like it belonged in a whole new house. Spike had given her complete freedom to do what she wanted, but she still wanted his input on some things, like… the paint color. This was, after all, his home now. She needed him to be able to live in it.

Buffy leaned in to take another sip when a hand on her shoulder startled her and caused her to jump, spilling her hot coffee over the top of the mug and burning her finger.

“Oh!” she exclaimed as she held the mug away from her body with one hand while she shook the hot liquid off the other.

Spike pulled his hand back and put them both up in defense as he grimaced at what he’d caused. “Sorry.”

“Spike…”

“Didn’t mean to startle you…”

Buffy sucked the remaining moisture off of her thumb and shook her head. “You didn’t.”

Spike quirked a brow. Buffy wavered.

“I mean you did, but… I’m just jittery. This is my second cup. I don’t usually drink coffee…”

Spike looked past her into the parlor. “Been up long?” he asked gesturing toward the room.

“Oh, uh… yeah. First I though we’d do your bedroom but then you were sleeping and I was awake and motivated and you had said you wanted to change the room and now I’m babbling…” Buffy blushed.

Spike smirked at how adorable she was. “I like when you babble.”

Buffy’s blush darkened and she shifted her weight as she looked down at her mug.

Spike couldn’t help but notice how beautiful she looked. Her hair was pulled up in a cute pony tail, her white tank top and blue jean combination was so completely homely. She didn’t have a spec of makeup on. She looked more like her old self.

“I hope you’re not upset with me. If you’ve changed your mind I’ll put it all back.”

Spike sucked in his bottom lip and shook his head, taking a deep breath. “No. Do your thing. It needs to be done.”

Buffy relaxed. “Okay. I do want your opinion, though. It is your house after all.”

Spike crossed his arms and leaned back against the bare wall. “Like what?”

Buffy set down her mug on the fireplace mantle and walked over to the front wall, stopping in front of the large picture window. “Do you have a color preference?”

Spike looked around and noticed how much brighter it was without the dark draperies clouding the windows. It reminded him of his mom. He shrugged. “Something bright. I’m tired of the dark in this room.”

Buffy nodded and looked around. The room’s walls had wood paneling on the lower half, and dark green paint on the solid walls above. Before Mrs. Giles had passed away the walls were a light canary yellow, and the men had changed it a year or so after she was gone. Their changes had made the room much darker, and although it was still comfortable, it was a bit much.

She looked at the paneling and an idea popped in her head. “How would you feel if we painted the wood in this room white?”

Spike shrugged again. “Do whatever your pretty little head desires. I trust you to make it look good.”

Buffy swooned a little when he said pretty little head. His complete sexy-ness and cute-ness combination was making it hard for her to stay focused and resilient. “Alright then. I’m gonna go change real quick and head to the hardware store for paint.”

Spike pushed off the wall and began to look around for his wallet. “Let me find you some money…”

Buffy reached out and stopped him. “I’ll buy the paint. Just take me out for a drink or something later and we’ll call it even, alright?”

Spike was a little surprised. Go out for a drink? Wasn’t she actively trying to get him to stop drinking? Was there a catch to this? Was this a test? He wasn’t sure what to think. All he knew was that he very much liked the way she was looking at him when she said that… and so he’d agree.

Buffy watched as he smirked and leaned into her slightly. “Deal.”




x X x X x X x X x X x




Buffy rolled on the last bit of red paint to finish off the first coat and collapsed onto the tarp covered floor with a huff. “Ugh! I’m pooped already and it was only one coat.”

Spike shuffled across the floor to where she was laying and dropped his white paint covered brush into the tray. He smirked at her form and brushed his hands across his now paint-dribbled jeans. “One coat of each and you’re ready to throw in the towel? And this is what you want to do for the rest of your life?”

Buffy mock scowled at him but couldn’t hide that first-crush smile from her face. “Excuse me; I won’t have to do all the work myself. I’ll have sexy muscular guys like you doing all the hard work. I’ll be playing boss.”

Spike was cat-like as he crawled toward her. Buffy found all the moisture in her body traveling to one specific place as she watched him come hover over her. She clenched her thighs together as he squinted down at her.

“Know many sexy muscular contractors in L.A. do you?”

Buffy tried and failed to tear her eyes off of his naked and slightly sweaty chest. “One or two…” she replied breathlessly.

Spike smirked at her obvious appraisal of his body. He rather liked how she looked at him now… like someone she wanted to sink her teeth into rather than just catch a movie with. He craved her kiss.

Buffy’s pulse increased as she looked up at him hovering over her. She knew it was wrong, and potentially dangerous to the relationship they already had, but she craved to feel his body pressed on top of her own. She wanted him so badly.

Spike rolled his tongue behind his teeth as he looked her slack body up and down. “And you think they’re muscular and sexy… like me?”

Buffy bit her lip and rolled her eyes. He was reaching. “No,” she smiled, not looking in his eyes. “Not like you…”

Spike was as hard as he’d ever been, and he desperately wanted her to touch him. She was incredibly sexy laying there the way she was. Flustered and covered in small paint smudges, smiling shyly and averting his gaze.

He held his weight on one arm and took a gentle hold of her chin, drawing her emerald eyes to his sapphire ones.

Buffy swallowed hard and let out a tiny gasp when he began to lean forward. She trembled and closed her eyes when she could feel his breath on her face. She quivered in anticipation for their kiss.

“Ahem…”

Buffy’s eyes shot open and she pushed herself up on her elbows just as Spike kneeled up straight and looked over his shoulder at the front door.

Dawn smirked and she stepped up into the house and made her way over to where they now sat, awkwardly posed. “Sorry to interrupt the sex-capades…” she said coming to a stop in front of them. She held out a couple cartons of Chinese food. “But mom sent me over. She says if you guys are gonna be working on the house all day then you need your carbs and energy.”

Spike smirked at his surrogate little sister and took a carton and chop sticks from her hands. She looked at him knowingly and arched a brow, and he had to suppress another signature tongue curling at her obvious amusement and approval.

Buffy, on the other hand wasn’t so amused. She had a look on her face that told she wanted to hug Dawn for the interruption yet kill her for it. She clearly hadn’t decided which one yet. “Dawnie, honey, ever hear of knocking?” she asked as she stood up completely and brushed herself off.

Dawn raised an eyebrow and her older sister and suppressed a laugh. She was cute when she was embarrassed. “The front door was wide open, Buffy. I’d wager five more minutes and you would have given the mail man an eyeful.”

Buffy turned lobster red and snatched the other carton from the girl’s hand. “Either shut your mouth and go home or pick up a roller and help with the second coat.”

Dawn rolled her eyes and crossed her arms. “And do all the dirty work for you? I don’t think so.”

Spike sat on a tarp covered arm rest and opened up his carton of food, both amused at how flushed Buffy was and annoyed that they were interrupted. With the way she’d been looking at him all morning he was sure that with a couple more well-timed kisses he could break down her walls and get her to stop running and making excuses. Sure there was some validity when it came to her leaving for L.A. again, but they would cross that bridge when they came to it. For now he could no longer hide his feelings for her, and he would not let her deny herself feelings for him. He needed her too much.

Dawn turned on her heels and headed for the door. “I’ll just go back to begging mom for a pool. Oh and don’t worry, I’ll close the door behind me so you two can get back to… work.”

“Dawn!”

“Love you!”

Slam.

Buffy shifted her eyes back to Spike and smiled shyly when she caught him looking back at her. He picked through his pepper steak and tried not to look too smug. Buffy liked seeing this side of him. It was comforting, and refreshing to see him the way he used to be back in their high school days. And she was also suddenly very jealous of all those girls he’d gone out on dates with before he settled down with Dru. She remembered very vividly seeing him give girls that look on more than once occasion. She wanted that look to be only for her.

Buffy boldly moved to sit down next to him on the very small arm rest, digging through her lo mein and purposefully bumping her upper arm into his has he smiled downwards. “So…” she started, somewhat awkwardly. “About that drink you owe me…”

Spike finished chewing a piece of food and swallowed, calming his nerves and trying not to smile too much. “What about it?”

“How’s tonight sound?” she asked, not taking her eyes off her food. She was trying hard not to tremble. “Just you and me, no one else…”

Spike stopped poking around and looked at her. She refused to meet his smoky eyes but her blush was telling enough. A surge of manly pride washed through him. He cocked a brow. “Ten sound good to you?”

Buffy swallowed and raised her head. Ten o’clock. So this would be a semi-late rendezvous. That’s hot.

Her heart pounded in her chest as she looked over at his waiting eyes. What she saw in them made her heart race ad her thighs clench. They were dark, sparking, and full of lust. She found she very much loved his eyes.

Her answer was clear. In no way would she be letting his man go out tonight without her on his arm. She looked forward to acting smug toward every girl that looked him over later.

Buffy pressed her chin to his shoulder and smiled coyly at him. “What do I wear?”




TBC