“Spike?…How did you get this number?”


“I found it on this flier pinned to the inside of a phone box.” He replied playfully.


“Ha. Ha.” she said snidely, “What do you want?”


“Wanted to see if you…urgh…look, this is hard for me to ask…”


She butted in, “Yes, Spike. You were adopted.”


“Shut up, Buffy. That’s not what I was going to ask.” he said angrily, and then he paused and changed his tone, “Listen, I’m in town.”


“In New York?”


“That is where you live init? Wouldn’t have said ‘in town’ if I was in Hawaii, would I?”


She just huffed and with that he could tell he was going about this all the wrong way. Time to stop messing about and just ask her; if she said no, she said no. “Look, I need a place to crash…That’s why I phoned. I wanted to ask if I could stay with you a few weeks while I look for a new flat in the city?”


“Well let’s see…in the past 5 minutes you’ve called me a phone box hooker, and told me to shut up…”


“Please, luv?”


Her stomach flipped. He shouldn’t call her that should he? I mean…she’d heard him call loads of women that, but never her…She thought of Dawn. Had he ever called Dawn that? Because if he had she was worrying about nothing…but she couldn’t remember…Wait, what was she worrying about exactly? She realised she hadn’t said anything for a while, and so stuttered something out to cover. “W-W-What about Dru?”


She heard him sigh down the phone and then he answered regretfully, “We broke up.”


“I’m sorry.”


“If I didn’t know how much you hated her I could have believed that. You sounded almost sincere.” He laughed a little.


“I am, Spike. I’m sorry you broke up.”


He paused and relaxed his voice a lot more. “It’s okay. It was the right thing, we both knew it. It was a joint decision, for the best and all that rot…But it means I kind of have to find a place to live. Said she could have the apartment seen as she found it and spent time making it over… I’ve been staying there while she’s been at her sisters, but I think she wants to come back now…which means I have to find somewhere else.”


Buffy sighed deeply all the way down to her toes. She was stuck. She didn’t want to leave Spike in the lurch, but this would be inconvenient. Her place wasn’t very big and sure she had a spare room, but it was still a small flat altogether. Then there was the fact that she was busy with college and work pretty much non-stop and her and Spike didn’t get along well enough to comfort her that he wouldn’t get in her way…But he was her brother, well, her stepbrother, and he was in a bind. “Okay, Spike.” she answered eventually.


“Really?”


“Yeah, sure.”


“Thanks, pet.”


Buffy settled; she always liked when he called her ‘pet’, even though she wouldn’t admit it. That was something he had always called her, and it made her feel safe. At first endearments like that hadn’t been just every other sentence, when they were younger he only called her or Dawn ‘pet’ when they were upset or down, to make them feel better and it always worked. When she got older she’d usually chastise him and tell him she wasn’t a little girl anymore. This time she didn’t.


“Do you remember the address?”


“No.” he replied confused.


“Oh right, I remember, you’ve never been to see me before have you?” she said sarcastically.


“I’ve been…”


“Busy, yeah I know.” She sighed trailing off. He only lived just outside the city, not in another country. It wouldn’t take him much to get here, but he had never made the trip for her, and she knew he wasn’t busy, even if he said he was; he just never made time to visit, because of Dru.


There was nothing wrong with her that Buffy could put her finger on, it was simply a clash of personalities. They didn’t get on and so the inevitable happened when a couple you know gets serious and you don’t get on with one of them, they’re going to spend more time together and less time with you.


Buffy still sort of resented Spike for it though, because they’d even kept in touch when he moved away to college; in fact they had talked all the time for a while. It only started becoming weird between them when he met Dru in his final year and didn’t move back home like he’d said he was going to. She felt awkward visiting when he moved in with Dru, so she only saw him at holidays when he came home to see the family. Then he even stopped doing that, and she couldn’t even blame Dru for it. She knew it was his decision, no one could tell Spike what to do, not even her.


She gave him the address and he said he’d be round with his stuff in the next few days, so she said she’d leave him a key under the mat, which he found a very cliché place to hide a spare key.


She hung up the phone, her mind buzzing trying to imagine what the next few weeks would be like. She figured they’d be uncomfortable for sure. They were brother and sister, maybe not by blood, but they had always been close. Well they used to be close, but they hadn’t seen each other in 2 years, and the last time she’d even spoken to him was before she moved here to New York 10 months ago. She knew she’d changed a lot since then, so expected him to have changed as well. It would probably be more like living with a stranger than anything else, only a stranger that had been there all the way through your childhood. Someone who used to comfort you when you cried, when you scraped a knee, or someone called you a name, but who also had the power to make you cry worse than anyone else ever could. Brothers are so much fun aren’t they?


Her and Spike had always had a weird relationship. She couldn’t ever figure it out to be honest. She’d tell people he was her brother, but they were friends too despite the age gap. They had always got on, played, fought and shared things like normal siblings, but there had always been something strange there. It was different with Dawn and him, because Dawn was actually his sister. Maybe it was because as far as Dawn knew he’d always been her brother; their family had always been that way. But both Buffy and Spike could remember a time before their parents got together. It may not have been a long time, because Joyce and Giles married when Spike was 13 and Buffy was only 6, but Buffy could remember her father, even though she wasn’t his biggest fan, and she remembered her first awkward meeting with her soon to be stepbrother.


~~~~~~~~~~~~


“Who are you?” the boy in front of her said, snatching away the picture frame she had taken from his desk.


“I’m Buffy Summers.” she said quietly, retreating into the hallway.


“What you doing here?” the little boy asked nastily. He didn’t like people being in his room, or touching his stuff.


The little blonde girl shrugged. “I came with my mom. She said I…” She noticed he wasn’t really paying attention to her answer even though he had asked the question. He had his back to her now, but she could tell he was staring down at the photograph. “Who’s the lady in the picture?”


He turned around confused then looked down. He placed the picture on his desk again, but this time face down. “No one.” he said suddenly loosening up and acting as if it didn’t matter, although it was obvious that it did. “So what did you say you were doing in my room?” he asked again.


“I…” she stuttered, it would be the first of many times he would leave her a little speechless, because he was intimidating even then, before he called himself Spike, before he drove his motorbike and wore his leather coat, before he got his scar and bleached his hair blonder than hers. “I said I was here with my mum. We’re staying for dinner. She said I should come upstairs and look for William. That I could play with him…Are you William?”


He nodded, arms crossed in front of his chest.


“Do you wanna play with me?”


“I…”


“WILLIAM?!” Came his father’s loud voice, it made Buffy jump. Rupert always had to shout that loud, because he could never get his attention any other way. William walked past Buffy, who was still stood slightly in his doorway afraid to come back in. He brushed past her to the top of the stairs. His father was at the bottom of them. “Would you come and set the table please William?” He paused, “You can get Buffy to help you if you want.” Rupert said.


William looked back towards the frail little thing in his doorway, and figured she’d probably be more of a hindrance than a help, and not just in setting the table, but generally in his life from now on. Something inside him sensed this was not the last time he would see ‘Buffy Summers’.


~~~~~~~~~~~~


It had turned out that the photograph had been of Spike’s mother. Buffy remembered when she had gone and asked Rupert about it around a year later, a few months after her and her mother had moved in with him and William…God it felt strange calling him William. He’d been Spike since he was 17, and she had never thought it was strange. She’d been too young to pick fun at the name at first and then she’d got used to it. It never occurred to her that it was a very unusual name, because William seemed the unusual name to her. It had never suited him, and he never seemed comfortable with it. She didn’t know why Spike suited him better, but it did. Although she had never known, or really wanted to know where the nickname came from. She shuddered to think…in fact, she really did…That was weird…Anyway where was she?


That’s when she looked up and saw her bus pulling away from the stop. She’d gotten so lost daydreaming about the past that she’d totally missed its arrival. She sighed looking up at the sky. It was a bright sort of day, not sunny, but it didn’t look like rain, so she decided to walk instead of waiting another 20minutes for the next one.


She went to pick up her shoulder bag, but instead ended up knocking it over, she had always been a little bit of a clutz. Luckily not much fell out, her folders only slipped out a tiny bit and she just shoved them back inside so that she could close it. She gathered up the pencils putting them in the front pocket again, closed that up as well and then reached for the other item on the floor, her purse.


She stood up and began to walk home as she opened it up and threw back in her unspent bus fare. She pressed the left side closed, and then opened the other where she saw the plastic compartment that held her pictures. There were a few family ones, one of her and her best friend from high school, Willow, who she still kept in touch with regularly, and one of her and Faith, a fun loving party girl she’d met at college. She’d never really understood why Faith was at college, because she never went to class, but she had been a good friend to Buffy. She’d helped her come out of her shell a lot, and even though Faith never went to class, she never pressured Buffy to skip it…well maybe once or twice.


The picture on top of the pile directly underneath the plastic was of her mom. And then she remembered what she had been thinking about.


She’d gone to ask Rupert - or Giles, as she had always called him - about the picture, only to find out that the photograph was of his first wife Jenny, who had died when Spike was just a small child. Buffy was still very young at the time, but she understood 2 things, 1# that she had upset Giles by bringing it up, and 2# that if she had upset Giles, she had probably upset William at their first meeting. She asked Giles why he was so sad about the picture and he told her that it wasn’t her fault, but that when someone talked about Jenny it made him and William miss her all over again. Buffy not having much tact at that age tried her best to ask her next question without upsetting him further. She asked him if he still loved Jenny, and he said that he did and that he missed her very much. He also said that that didn’t mean he didn’t love Buffy’s mother, Joyce, because he did love her with all his heart.


Buffy saw that love in the years to come. She never doubted Giles’s love for her mother, or vice versa, and she was happy for them from the very start. She’d never thought or seen much of her own father, so that was never a problem. If someone asked her who her dad was she would name Giles as easily as breathing. She knew it was harder for Spike to accept things, because he was older and used to life a certain way, a ‘him and his dad against the world’ kind of way. But eventually they all settled into life and when Dawn was born it really brought the family together. Sometimes throwing in another sibling makes things worse, but it made Giles and Joyce a stronger couple, and Spike and Buffy became closer, because they now had something that truly tied them together as a family, and also a younger sister that they could both pick on.


Buffy got back to her flat feeling quite tired. She didn’t regret the walk however, it had let her get some fresh air, given her time to think, and she hated the bus sometimes anyway. She was sure she would have been just as tired if she had waited for it instead. She fished out her keys and unlocked her door. When she got inside she put her keys on the table next to her house phone and saw that she had a new message.


“Hey B.” Faith’s message played. “The Bronze. Tonight. It’s this new club. Be there. Seriously, call me.”


She didn’t have any classes the next day so she called Faith and agreed to go with her. She hadn’t been out in a while, or had a chance to see Faith, and she’d heard about this place a while ago. She was tired and just felt a bit down, but nothing a night out and some fun couldn’t cure.


Faith came to hers a few hours later and helped her pick an outfit out. Most of the time Buffy ended up wearing the outfit she had picked out herself, but it was fun just to hang out and root through her wardrobe together while the two talked about Faith’s latest conquest and drank whatever kind of lighter fluid or motor oil Faith had purchased that night and tried to pass off as alcohol.


They often got drunk at Buffy’s and then went out later, it was better when it was time to go to the club. If you were already a little bit drunk you seemed like you’d been to a few places before you got there and the bouncers were less likely to think you were underage. They both had fake IDs, but it just meant that the bouncer looked at them less questioningly, which was always a good thing when it came to fake driver’s licenses. But they got in this night without a problem.


Inside, the club was a bit grungy, which Buffy didn’t mind and Faith completely loved. It was a little out of the way and had taken them a while to get to, but the music was great and the guys were hot, and Faith was buying shots by the bucket load.


They danced to every song they could, they danced with everyone they could, including each other, which always got a few leers and stares from the male population, because they were completely hot chicks, who didn’t mind rubbing up against each other in the spirit of having fun. Eventually Faith seemed to get very friendly with a guy that had tattoos all over his arms and Buffy decided to have a break from dancing. She rarely went further than a dance with guys, because she never really liked the kind of guys you met at clubs, but she understood that Faith did.


After a while she felt the effects of the alcohol she’d had back at her place begin to wear off, so she went to the bar. She was still drunk, but she had to keep up with Faith. Fake ID at the ready, just in case they asked.


“Jack and soda, please.” she said, searching inside her bag for her money.


“Buffy?” a familiar voice caught her attention.


She looked up, and for the first time got a good look at the barman she’d addressed.


“Spike?”


A friend in need’s a friend indeed.
A friend who’ll tease is better.
Our thoughts compressed, which makes us blessed,
and makes for stormy weather…

“Buffy, what are you doing here?” Spike asked, then lowering his voice he continued in an authoritative whisper, “You’re underage Buffy, you shouldn’t be here.”


“No shit, Sherlock.” she said angrily. He had totally ruined her evening now, it wasn’t closing for another hour, but now she was going to have to leave.


“I’m not serving you Buffy.”


“Yeah, I figured that.”


“I could lose my job. Go get whoever you came with and go home.” he said sharply, his blue eyes piercingly angry.


Buffy sighed, knowing she had no other choice, it wasn’t like she could let Spike lose his job, and she didn’t really want to stay now he was here anyway, kind of a drag having your big brother in the corner of the room.


She went off to get Faith and found her in the toilets with her head so far down one she looked as if she was stuck. Buffy pulled her up, dragged her to her feet and outside to the main room. When they got there she turned to her, and noticed she was in a bad way. “Faith, you okay?”


“5 by 5, B. 5 by 5.” she said before falling and slipping out of Buffy’s grasp, luckily onto the one of the sofas Buffy had been directing her towards.


“Does that mean she is okay? Or she isn’t?”


She turned round to see Spike. Again.


“It means she’s fine. Or at least, it means she thinks she’s fine. However her unconsciousness would suggest otherwise.”


Spike smiled at her even though she wasn’t looking. He shouldn’t really be smiling, because she looked genuinely fed up. In actual fact she was just trying to figure out how she was going to get Faith home, she’d never seen her like this before, it was always Faith who looked after her.


“Look.” Spike said interrupting her thoughts, “Stay here. I’ll take you both home when I get off work.”


Buffy smiled relieved someone else was going to sort her out; God knows she was a little bit too drunk to think straight enough right now to look after herself, never mind Faith as well.


Spike started walking away, then pivoted back around to face her. “And don’t speak to anyone, or go to the bar…or…anything, okay?” With that he left, not seeing Buffy pulling a face at him. I am not a child, she thought.


You’re always ahead of the pack, I drag behind.
You possess every trait that I lack, by coincidence or by design.
You’re the monkey I got on my back that tells me to shine.
You’re always ahead of the pack, while I drag behind…


“God you still treat me like a child!” she snapped at him when he finally came back to them.


“All I asked was if you’d spoken to anyone.”


“You told me not to, and I’m not stupid, Spike. I’m not gonna go around and announce I’m your underage sister.” she huffed. “It’s like you think I’m a complete idiot.”


“Well you’re the one who came to a club, underage, got too drunk and couldn’t look after her friend, and had no idea what to do when said friend got rat-arsed.” he threw back at her.


“She’s fine now.” Buffy said, narrowing her eyes at him as if to say ‘back off, it wasn’t my fault.’


“Yeah.” said Faith from behind them on the sofa. She was leant forwards holding her head. She swept her hair over her shoulder and stood up. “And loving the family melodrama.”


Buffy shifted awkwardly and looked down, clearly upset. Spike felt guilty. “Look, Buffy. I’m sorry. I was just…I just panicked. I really like this job. And if you don’t want me to become a permanent fixture at your flat, I’m gonna need it too.”


She nodded.


“So.” he said, “Let’s go, shall we?”


Spike dropped Faith off first, Buffy felt awkward as soon as Faith left, for some reason even more so when she got a text from Faith a few minutes later that said, “OMG. B. Ur Brothr is HOT!” Buffy wasn’t surprised, everyone thought Spike was hot, and she knew he was exactly the type of guy Faith would go for. He drove motorbikes and fast dirty cars, he smoked, he didn’t care what people thought of him, and he had a smart mouth and a sharp tongue. Bad boy was her type, and Spike was just that, or at least he had been until he settled down with Dru. That had been a shock, finding out he’d actually got a girlfriend. It’d always been an option, because girls had always thrown themselves at him, but he’d never wanted anything long-term before her.


Buffy’s thoughts suddenly drifted to what he was going to be like now Dru was out of the picture. Would he go back to his womanising ways? Hopefully not in her flat!


Then she started to think practically about this whole thing. She didn’t want him to have anyone come to the house, but does that mean she wasn’t allowed anyone round? That would of course assume she had someone in mind, even though she didn’t. She quickly stopped her train of thought there when Spike finally thought of something to say to break the silence.


“So kitten, you got my room all ready for me?”


“The spare room’s pretty set out anyway, don’t need to get it ready really.” she said, looking out of the window of Spike’s car watching the streetlights pass by.


“How’d you afford a two bedroom on your own anyway?” he asked, his voice making her turn back to face him.


“I leased it with this girl on my course, Kendra. Then she had a death in the family, went back home, ended up staying.” She sighed, she did miss Kendra, she was a weird girl, but nice and it was a shame she’d had to give up college because of everything. “Anyway it’s in the contract that she has to pay her half of the rent until she finds someone to take her place. And I guess she’s been too busy to find someone, and so have I.” Buffy hoped he wouldn’t catch on to what she’d said. She had practically just announced she was too busy to meet anyone, like she was some sad single with no friends, and a roommate that didn’t even want to live with her, not that that was far from the truth. But then again, after tonight, he could hardly say he thought she had no social life.


“Doesn’t she find the money she has to pay for the flat she isn’t even living in, a sort of incentive to find someone?”


“Not really. Her dad pays the rent anyway. Her family is like royalty or something.”


“Don’t have royalty here though, do we, luv?” He smiled at her, and then looked back to the road.


“Well then they’re just loaded. Doesn’t seem to bother her, the money thing. And she only pays the basic rent. Sometimes I struggle with the bills on my own, but I get by.”


“Well don’t worry, pet. I’ll pay my way while I’m there.”


“Suppose it won’t be so bad having you around then, if you’ll be paying me money to endure your presence.” she said throwing him that cheeky grin that he had to admit he’d missed.


“Hey!” He pulled a mock-upset face.


She just giggled, and she felt 13 all over again.


When they pulled up outside her building, Spike shut the engine off and Buffy suddenly felt even more uncomfortable. She felt like a random guy was dropping her off from a date. It felt weird, but only because it didn’t feel weird. It should feel weird right? Comparing a lift from your brother…stepbrother, to the end of a date?


“You okay, pet?” he asked after she didn’t make a move for a while.


“Erm…Yeah.” she decided, reaching for the handle. “Thanks, Spike. It’s hard to admit this to you, but you really helped me out.”


“Just returning the favour, kitten.” he said leaning over.


Oh my God, what is he doing?


He kissed her on the forehead, and at first her eyes closed and she couldn’t breathe, and then she remembered he did that all the time when they were younger. So it was okay right? Even though they weren’t young anymore? Even though he was a hot 26 year old and she was a woman now at 19…Wait, did she just call him hot?


She fumbled with the door handle and got out of the car. The cool air hit her face and she allowed herself to think about nothing else until she reached the outer door.


Spike waited until she was inside before turning on the engine. He felt a bit weird about how awkward the car journey had been, but he hadn’t expected much more, after all they hadn’t spoken for a long time and God it was all his fault. But the way she reacted when he went to kiss her threw him. Was she that uncomfortable around him? They did that all the time as kids, so he was upset by her reaction. It showed how much their relationship had changed, because of the distance he’d put between them. They weren’t like brother and sister anymore. So what were they?

Come home, come home…


Spike moved his stuff in over the next few days like he had told her he would, but he didn’t end up needing the key because Buffy was in. He wondered if she was skipping classes to help him move in, but he didn’t ask her. Normally he would have, he was very into her education when she was in high school. He always made sure she was doing well, because he knew she could if she tried, unlike him. It was too late for him; he’d ballsed it up already, wasted his time at college doing something he didn’t really care about. But even though he wanted her to do well he felt like it wasn’t his place to get involved. Like it was none of his business what she did anymore, and that’s when that thought from the other night came to him again, that they weren’t really brother and sister now.


He tried to act as normal as possible, but all he could think about was how he was meant to act around her. They’d changed, and so their relationship had changed. It was too bruised to force any kind of serious makeup, so they’d have to come up with a completely new way to be with each other, and he didn’t know what kind of relationship he could have, or even wanted to have with Buffy. She confused him. The age gap didn’t help either. It wasn’t like he could be her buddy, she was only 19, still a kid in some ways, and they didn’t have any friends in common. Not that he had many friends anymore anyway, because most of them had taken Dru’s side over the split.


Spike began to think this was going to be a really bad idea. He was going to have to try and find a new apartment as soon as possible. He knew now that he didn’t want to keep up this awkwardness between them, so he decided he had to do something about it, he’d have to make things up to Buffy, but maybe when he had his own place and they weren’t living on top of each other it would be easier.


“You finished yet?” Buffy said, walking into the kitchen, and even though she had asked, she wasn’t even facing him; she didn’t seem like she really cared for an answer, but he answered her anyway.


“Yeah, I’m almost done.” he replied, holding a box up and carrying it into the spare room, his room for now.


“What’s it with a guy having so much stuff anyway? You pack like me!” She shouted slightly.


“Yeah, well, kitten,” he said coming back in and putting his hands on his hips, “This isn’t like I’m on holiday; this is my whole life init? I did plan to live in that apartment with Dru for a long time, so kind of got settled.”


“I’m sorry, Spike.” she offered turning to meet him.


“Stop saying sorry, love. I might actually start thinking you like me.”


Suddenly Buffy did that weird thing, her ‘avoidy’ eyes. She did them when things got awkward, and all they achieved was to make him notice she felt awkward, and therefore feel awkward himself. She tuned back round and set her empty coffee cup in the sink…That’s what she had come in here for wasn’t it?


“Sorry, pet.” he said softly.


“For what?” She turned to him dizzily.


“Every time you try and be nice to me, I brush it off. It’s just that…” He paused, “It’s just I don’t really want to talk about the break up…at all…and you don’t need to be sorry for anything. I should be the sorry one.”


“What you sorry for?” she inquired. He just stared at her. “Right. You don’t want to talk about it. Check.” she said cutely, and he couldn’t help but smile at her. He really did admire her. He’d never been sure she’d be okay living on her own. He knew he’d manage; he was never one that needed luxuries and stuff. As long as he had somewhere warm to sleep he’d make it through. Somehow he could never imagine Buffy getting a job, or her own place, not that he had at first, but he didn’t see her as the crashing on people’s sofas type either.


But she had got her life sorted, and he was really proud of her. She was still a bit like the Buffy he remembered; only she was stronger and more independent. She’d changed physically too, her hair was shorter, and that was almost a shame, because although it suited her he’d always loved her hair longer and a bit darker.


“What you staring at, Mister?” she accused playfully.


He smirked at her tone and answered simply, “Your hair.”


She suddenly became a bit anxious at whether he was staring at it in a good or a bad way, moving to run her fingers through it. “Yeah, I fancied a change. New lifestyle, new look, you know?”


He nodded. He couldn’t really argue with that, after all when he’d got the nickname Spike had been around the same time he changed his look, so he got that it helped make a different impression. “I like it,” he said to reassure her, “but I liked it before.”


“Yeah, I remember.” she said nostalgically.


“Goldilocks.” he whispered her old nickname.


“Which is one of the reasons I changed it.”


“What? You changed it because I liked it?”


“No.” she said abruptly. “But I didn’t fancy anyone giving me that nickname at college. I was trying to be more grown up.” she said, hoping he would understand.


“You are grown up, Buffy.”


She blushed.


“I mean it. You’ve really changed, luv. You’ve made your own way, and got a life for yourself.” He paused and then smiled before continuing, “But, you’ll always be my goldilocks, no matter what.”


Then he came forward and hugged her. It didn’t feel awkward either, it felt nice, and it felt right. She felt safe and warm in his arms. She was a grown up, could look after herself, but it was always nice to know someone was looking out for you just in case. It was nice to know that after all this time he still cared for her, and remembered who she used to be, even if she had forgotten.


He pulled back slightly to look at her, and she looked back up at him. He didn’t know what he was seeing in her eyes, but it made him hate himself for not being with her recently when she must have needed someone. He lived so close, and he could have helped her settle into college quicker, but she had to do it all on her own.

The way he was looking at her should have made her uncomfortable, but it didn’t. She had to stop using the word awkward in describing things between them, but this wasn’t awkward anyway, it was just strange. They stayed there, neither moving for a long time, and just looked into each others eyes.


He decided to do something, but he didn’t know why he was compelled to do it, or how she would react to it. He lent down to kiss her cheek and then ended up turning back and giving her a very brief kiss on the lips, and then he drew back from her all together. “Goodnight, Buffy.” he said softly, and then he went to his room


Stuck between the do or die, I feel emaciated.
Hard to breathe I try and try, I’ll get asphyxiated.
Swinging from the tallest height, with nothing left to hold on to.


She was left there, totally confused, and bewildered. He’d only given her a peck on the lips. She didn’t understand why her body was humming the way it was. Was it hot in here? She immediately went to turn the thermostat down before going to bed herself.


Come home, come home…

We were tight, but it falls apart as silver turns to blue.
Waxing with the candlelight and burning just for you.
Allocate your sentiment and stick it in a box.
I’ve never been an extrovert, but I’m still breathing.



The next day she woke up and Spike had left her note.


Buffy,
Had to pop out, Dru wanted to meet up and talk about things again. Then I’ve got work. Won’t be in until around 1, so I’ll probably not see you until tomorrow.
Thanks again for letting me stay.
Luv Spike.


Buffy didn’t know why, but she didn’t like the idea of him going to see Dru. As far as she understood they had decided to separate and both agreed it was for the best, so she didn’t see what they had to talk about. Of course part of her was also relieved, because she was still feeling a bit weird about the night before and now she had time to forget it all before she next saw him.


She thought that he probably wouldn’t have time to get anything to eat if he was working late, so she decided that she’d cook for him. She would probably be up when he got in anyway, she wasn’t the early night type, and she wanted to do something to settle them in.


She went to all her classes, it was a very full day for her that day and she didn’t finish until 6, but afterwards she stopped by the store to pick up some stuff to cook for dinner. She wasn’t going to go crazy; he’d have to make do with pasta and a nice sauce. Her cooking repertoire still didn’t stretch very far.


She heard him come in just before 12; even though he was trying to be quiet she was only just next to the hallway.


“Hey.” she called from the kitchen.


“Hey.” he said coming in to see her. “Whatcha doing?” he said playfully.


“I thought I’d cook you a meal. You know, settle you in. Didn’t really do anything last night.” Apart from kiss… “So thought we’d do something tonight.”


“Thanks, pet.” he said pleasantly surprised.


Her breath caught as he moved up behind her and reached around to try and dip his finger in the sauce.


“EW! Wet!” she squealed out as his body pressed into hers and his rain-covered leather jacket touched her thin tank top and soaked it through.


“You’re such a girl sometimes, Buffy.” he replied backing up, not succeeding in getting any sauce anyway because she’d batted his hand away with the spoon she was holding.


“Shh you!” she said turning round. “You just sit down, and be quiet.”


“Yes m’am.” Spike returned, sitting down at the table and waiting.


They didn’t say much over dinner, just about the kind of day each of them had had, and then Buffy went to clear the table away.


“I’ll do it, pet.”


“No, its okay.”


He stopped her movements, and her wrist burned where he had touched it, ever so gently. She looked up at him. He moved round to her side of the table. “You did something for me, now let me do something for you.” He was serious, she looked down, a little embarrassed for a reason she didn’t understand fully. He smiled and went about putting all the dishes in the sink while she stood there awkwardly.


“Honestly Spike, leave it. I’m off all tomorrow. I’ll do the dishes then. It’s too late to be doing washing up.”


“Anything to avoid the dishes, maybe you haven’t changed at all.” he said sarcastically walking towards her. Her heartbeat increased rapidly as he got closer.


She tried to avoid him and went to squeeze past him, but her foot got caught on the leg of the chair in front of her. She tried to grab hold of Spike on her way, and ended up bringing him down to the floor with her, falling with a thud that knocked the wind out of both of them for a time.


They were laid there, tangled up in each other, Buffy’s side and ass hurt where she had fallen, but Spike wasn’t really hurt, since he’d landed on a Buffy-cushion.


“You always were clumsy, kitten.” he said, smirking then suddenly stopping, and just staring into her eyes.


Were his eyes always this blue? she thought. And why is he just staring at me?


Why am I just staring at her? he thought. Shouldn’t I be like, getting her off, I mean getting off her…What is wrong with me?


What is wrong with him? Why is he just laid on top of me? Why do I not want him to move? Why do I feel weird?


She’s like my sister, should it feel this good to be laid on top of her? Shouldn’t I want to get up? But my legs are like asleep or something.


Buffy’s eyes widened suddenly.


Ah, that’s not asleep, he thought. Spike immediately jumped up and off Buffy. He cleared his throat. “Erm…I’m off to bed, pet. See you tomorrow.”


Buffy was still laid on the floor. What the fuck was that? She blinked her eyes shut and tried to think, but her head was spinning. She was so confused and didn’t know where to begin. She had no idea what had happened, or why, so she decided to just get up and go to bed.


She stood up and walked over to the sink and then she heard the shower turn on, and her head cleared all of a sudden and she knew what had happened. She’d fallen over, dragged her stepbrother with her. They’d ended up on top of each other on the floor, and then…It’s a cold shower, she thought, oh God, that’s so wrong.


Suddenly she was being spun around and came face to face with Spike. He was clutching her shoulders as if he thought she was going somewhere, but she was lost in his eyes. He stared back at her for a few seconds before swooping in and kissing her, his lips attacking hers. At first she was so shocked she didn’t do anything, and then she started to push him away, but he wasn’t having any of it.


He kissed her harder, grabbing her hands and placing them at her sides to grip the kitchen counter. When she felt his tongue run along her bottom lip she just opened up for him, a totally natural reaction, and then she totally freaked out about it. He felt her tense and her hands move slightly, so he held tight to her wrists and didn’t let her stop him. He probed deeper with his tongue, his kisses making her dizzy. She felt again what she had felt earlier, his erection pressed into her thigh and that made her stomach do flips.


She was a dizzy, stomach flipping mess, and eventually when he moved to settle his erection in-between her legs she lost all sense. She started kissing him back with equal vigour, fighting him for control of the kiss. He was reassured now that she was in this, so when she tried to pull her hands away from his grasp this time, he let her. Her hands went to fist in his hair and his settled on her waist. She pulled him closer and he pulled her closer. He lifted her up onto the side and moved even further forward.


Buffy knew things were escalating too far now, if they had ever been anything but for the last 5 minutes. She tried to push him away, and he went to reach for hands once more, so she pushed again. Her protests were still gentle, because she knew it wasn’t just his fault things had gone so far, and so she didn’t really want to be too harsh. She tried to stop it one last time, turning her head, and just saying, “No.” after that he finally stopped and looked at her.


She was so beautiful, her lips swollen from where he had kissed them, and her chest rising and falling harshly as she tried to catch her breath. He was drunk on her; drunk enough that she managed to jump off the side and get passed him. She ran into her room and locked the door, leaving Spike in the kitchen, panting and confused, not only at her suddenly exit, but also at what he’d just done.


He didn’t go after her. He just went to his room, after turning off the shower that he’d never got into. He was too confused to go talk to her now and he knew she would be too. They’d have to talk about this eventually, talk about it together, but right now he had to go and think about what the hell he had just done.

And why.


With hindsight, I was more than blind. Lost without a clue.

Give up this fight, there are no second chances.
This time I might, to ask the sea for answers.
These bonds are shackle free, wrapped in lust and lunacy.
Tiny touch of jealousy.


He woke up, smelling bacon. He figured Buffy must have been making breakfast, and once he’d said her name in his head then the events of the previous evening flooded back. He also remembered Buffy saying she was off all day. What the hell was he going to do? Despite his intention of getting to the bottom of his actions he had in fact spent the whole night trying not to think about what happened. He thought maybe he could just avoid it, avoid probing deeper into why he did what he did.


He got up and put on some sweats. He brushed a hand through his hair to calm it a bit and then walked into the hallway. Turning into the kitchen he braced himself for what was to come, praying that perhaps she was planning to ignore it all as well. He hoped she was. When he came in Buffy turned from the hob and he froze in his tracks waiting for her to say something.


She hesitated and then spoke. “Spike, we need to talk.”


That’d be a no on the avoiding then, he thought to himself.


“About what, pet?” he asked pulling a chair out and sitting down. He folded his arms on the table top in front of him but didn’t look at her until she caught his attention.


“Don’t do that?” she said walking towards him holding a spatula.


“Do what, pet?”


“The guy thing…the avoidy…avoidance thing! Where you conveniently forget anything’s happened!” She was now waving the spatula at him. She was frustrated, but not really angry.


“You wanna put that down, luv?” he asked gesturing to the item she was pointing at him, “You’re making me uncomfortable.”


She sighed and put it down. “Look, Spike…I know you probably don’t want to talk about this, believe me, neither do I, but we need to.”


Spike sighed, but it signalled his acceptance and when he did Buffy pulled out the chair in front of her and sat with him at the table. She sat nervously wringing her hands in her lap so he couldn’t see, but he knew she was fidgeting, and he knew why. He knew she was waiting for him to say something, because she had pushed herself to the edge of her bravery in just broaching the subject. Now he had to help her a bit.


“I don’t know what to say Buffy…I…” he stumbled for the words, and found he couldn’t even look at her. “I’m sorry.”


“I think I was looking for a little more than an apology, Spike.” she spoke up, honestly.


“What else do you want, pet?”


“An explanation would be nice.” she said, eyes now fixed on him.


“I wish I could explain myself, Buffy…but I…I don’t know why that happened…You, you know fell on me, were close up to me…and well.” He stopped when he saw Buffy was blushing. He looked away and started again, “I reacted like…well naturally.” He paused again, feeling like a bloody school boy and hating himself. “Look Buffy I was, you know, and you were there and then…It seemed like a good idea at the time…and now…”


“And now?” she asked, for some reason fearing his answer.


He looked up at her desperately seeking some kind of forgiveness from her. “And now I realise how bloody wrong it was love.” He grabbed her hands, which she now had laid in front of her. He squeezed them. “I just think I’m a bit of a mess still…from Dru. And seeing her yesterday…”


“It’s okay.” She interrupted him quickly, her gut twisting at the mention of Dru’s name. “I understand…If that’s all it was…”


“It was.” he clarified, even though he didn’t know why he’d said it. He didn’t know why he’d made that excuse, he knew it wasn’t true. He couldn’t say he didn’t miss Dru, or having a girlfriend in general, but the relationship was over and he knew it was for the best. Also it had been his only long term relationship by choice, because he enjoyed being single, in fact most of the time he preferred it. So he wasn’t heartbroken about him and Dru finishing. The only thing he felt was guilt, guilt for hurting Dru like he did. She’d never take him back, but he’d made his peace with that. It was his own fault; he couldn’t blame Dru for ending it, and he didn’t want her back. Seeing her the other day had brought back good memories, but also showed him she was better off without him, and so far things had been good for him too…until now; until he’d kissed his little sister. Oh God I’m so sick. I should be locked up.


Buffy was nervous that he hadn’t said anything for a long time. She worried that he was waiting for his own explanation, unaware he was actually just caught up in his thoughts. “I just…” His attention focused back on her when she spoke up, and that made her even more nervous. “I mean, well last night…I was…”


“You don’t have to explain, kitten.” he reassured her, “You were…We both were just acting naturally. You were just responding. I started it, and like I said it’s because I’m still in a bad place over Dru.”


She nodded in understanding, believing the lie. “Well then we don’t need to talk about it again.” She gave him a warm smile and he released her hands as she made to stand up. She walked out of the kitchen to her room to get changed.


When she’d gone Spike felt his hands lacking, as if he missed holding her. He sighed and pressed his forehead down on the table in frustration. He didn’t know what was wrong with him. Now not only was he confused at why he’d kissed her - and god knows would have done more to her if she hadn’t have stopped him - he also couldn’t understand why he’d lied to Buffy about his reasons. He wished he knew why he’d done it, but the only thing he knew was that he had wanted to. That thought made his stomach heave.


He couldn’t deny that Buffy was a very attractive woman, and maybe it was just the shock at seeing her again, so grown up. Maybe it was just because they hadn’t acted like brother and sister for so long. Or maybe it was because he hadn’t had sex in so long. Or maybe he wasn’t lying; maybe part of him, even though he didn’t know it, was still cut up about Dru.


But the more he thought about it, the more he thought none of them were the real reason. The more he thought about it, the more he thought about Buffy, especially how she had kissed him back, and then those feelings he had the other night came back. Want. Need. Take. Have. And it frightened him. It frightened him because he didn’t know if it was just a one off anymore. Maybe it could happen again.


He vowed to try and control himself from now on, and rushed off for another cold shower. He’d be having lots of those from now on.


Give up this fight…

Its in the water baby, it’s in your frequency…


It’d been a few days since Buffy had confronted him about the kiss, and they seemed to have gone back to normal.


On the surface at least.


However underneath their friendly smiles and casual chats there was now something else there. Every time Spike looked at her he couldn’t help but notice how beautiful she was. If she brushed against him even slightly he got hard. His problems continually switched from feeling like an animal with no control over his sexual desires, to an innocent teenager finding new erotic experiences in everything around him.


He thanked God that Buffy had been so busy recently. She’d stay and talk to him for a while and then go and study, this gave him a chance to be away from her. It gave him a chance to breathe.


He’d asked to work at the club every night since they’d talked, but they were already fully staffed tonight, so it would be the first time since everything that he’d be in the house with her all evening until they both went to bed.


He didn’t know what he was going to do, but he had to think of something. He was being forced to see that he couldn’t avoid her forever. He had to test himself tonight, and truly see if he could get by. He had to try and spend time with her without getting all hot and bothered. He had to try and be her brother.


Its in the water baby…


Buffy was in her room trying to do some work, but she couldn’t think straight. She was still so confused about what happened the other night. Spike had been completely fine since they’d talked, but all their conversation did for her was raise more questions.


One being, what the hell was she doing that night? Spike had had a good reason to do what he did, but she didn’t buy what he’d said about reacting naturally, his attempt to excuse her part in it all. You don’t react that way to your own brother, no matter what’s happening. It’s never natural to try and suck your brother’s face off.


She closed her eyes and she could feel his hands on her again, she could feel his soft hair under her fingertips. Most of all she could feel the heat, the fire that it caused to rage inside of her. That’s what scared her now, because she couldn’t understand where that feeling came from.


She’d tried to act normal when she’d seen Spike around the place recently. They’d exchange anecdotes from their days and then she’d retreat to the sanctuary of her room saying that she had to study. And yet the same piece of work had been laid on her desk for 3 days now, and she hadn’t added so much as a sentence to it.


She sighed. Shutting herself in this room wasn’t going to solve anything, she had to stop thinking this was something she could hide from. Then again facing it hadn’t been the most successful plan so far either. When Spike had kissed her she’d kissed him back. She’d let the thing get out of control. He was just confused about his feelings for his ex-girlfriend and she had let him kiss her, and more bizarrely she’d liked it! She couldn’t hide from that.


Then she changed her mind once more - probably for the millionth time that night – she was going to get out of this apartment. That way she could put some distance between her and Spike, and in doing so put some distance between her and her problems. She could sort all this out later, leave now while Spike was in his room and then she wouldn’t have to explain anything, or think on her feet and make an excuse as to where she was going.


As she opened her door she almost walked right into him.


“Hey, kitten.” He smiled at her like he’d done years ago when they lived at home together. He smiled, just as you would expect a brother to smile at his sister.


“Hey.” She said back, avoiding his gaze. She swept some stray hair behind her ear nervously and began walking down the hall.


“I was just gonna watch a film.” his voice called after her, making her turn round again, “Wanna join me?”


She paused for a second, wondering what was the best course of action, and then ended up agreeing, “Yeah sure.”


He beamed brightly and moved his arm out to gesture towards the living room. She walked in and sat down rigidly on the middle of the couch and he followed her in and placed a DVD in the machine.


He turned back, walked over to her and sat down next to her. Immediately Buffy felt like she was too close and should move away, but she knew that would appear childish, after all he didn’t know anything was wrong. She didn’t want him to know how crazy she was. She had to try and keep her actions as normal as possible, which was also why she had to ignore her second instinct, to move even closer to him. Close enough so she could hold him, or just touch a part of him and feel him against her.


God she was going absolutely crazy. A sudden flush of terror ran through her just at the mere thought that he might one day find out that she was thinking these sorts of depraved things about him. She hoped to God that day never came. She didn’t know what he would think of her if it did.


She had to put on a front. If she pretended for long enough he wouldn’t know anything and then these weird feelings and thoughts would go away and everything would go back to the way it used to be.


She could be a good little actress when the situation required. She could do this, as long as he didn’t do anything to make it harder.


He didn’t see through the smile she forced when he suggested they snuggle up together like they did when they were younger.


Its in the water baby, it’s in your family tree…


Why the bloody hell did I suggest snuggling? How hard am I trying to make this on myself?


At the time it had seemed like a good idea. He thought it would relax them, and Buffy seemed fine with the idea, maybe even relieved, she’d smiled. When he first sat down with her she had seemed so tense. He was just trying his hardest to make things normal, to not let her in on how uncomfortable he felt now; or how comfortable, because in this position he was constantly flipping between the two.


They were both laid down together during the whole movie. Her head was resting on his chest, but luckily for Spike although he was laid on his back, she was laid on her side next to him so their lower bodies weren’t touching too intimately. Even though that hadn’t done anything to stop him getting an erection, at least it meant Buffy didn’t notice straight away and he had time to reign himself in.


He closed his eyes and tried to think of anything he could that would help him control himself. Old women…Men…His old friend Xander in a dress…There; that did it. Systems back on normal. He almost sighed in relief, but he kept it in so that Buffy wouldn’t look his way and ask him what was wrong.


The last thing he wanted was for her to be affected by any of this. This was his problem. He had to make these feelings go away some how before she ever got clued into them. And until that time he had to learn to hide them the best he could so that she wouldn’t know how sick and wrong the thoughts in his head were, and how his body responded to someone who he’d always seen as a sister until now.


Buffy looked over at him briefly. At first she was glad that his eyes were shut, because it meant he didn’t see her staring at him, but as she continued to do so she couldn’t help but wonder what he was doing. He seemed to be concentrating really hard on something, and she couldn’t figure out what.


Suddenly Spike felt as if someone was watching him, and sure enough he opened his eyes to see Buffy looking right back at him. He panicked at first, wondering if she had looked down and seen his hard on straining against the denim of his jeans, but she looked at him confused, not outraged, so he threw out the idea.


Feeling slightly awkward under her gaze he eventually sat up a bit, enough to really look at her and he became very aware that she’d laid a hand on his chest. He looked at it for a while, watching the rise and fall, and thought that he never wanted her hand to leave him. Just as he thought that she removed it and drew away from him, turning to the screen. He followed her eyes and saw that the movie was over.


He went to get up, but couldn’t really seem to as Buffy was still slightly on top of him. She realised he wanted to get off the couch and so went to scramble off as well. In the process she threw her right leg over his so she could climb across him, but at the same time he made another move to get up, causing her to halt her actions. This left them in a very compromising position. Buffy was now straddling him and their faces were almost nose to nose.


Buffy could feel her heart beating a thousand miles a minute, and Spike was sure that she would notice how laboured his breathing was. The truth of the matter was that both of them were too caught up in their own reactions to notice that of the other.


Buffy stared down into his eyes, held her breath, gulped and then opened her mouth.


“Goodnight, Spike.”


Just as quickly as the words had tumbled from her mouth she had got up and left.


Spike swung his legs down off the couch until they hit the carpet. He sat there looking down at the floor. He stayed that way for a long time. “Goodnight, Buffy.” he whispered back to the empty room.


Its in the water baby, it’s between you and me…

Just a peeping tom, on my own for far too long.


Spike hadn’t been able to think straight since yesterday. It’d hadn’t been a total disaster, after all he had managed to control himself eventually and they’d hung out together for a while, but being so close to her was a lot to deal with.


As he sat up in bed he felt uncomfortable, and noticed he was sporting a rather large erection. During the past week this had happened a lot, so he wasn’t too surprised, but every single day he knew it was because he went to sleep and woke up with thoughts of Buffy, and that was just wrong.


He got up, put on some boxers and opened his door a crack to sneak a look down the hallway. He eyed the bathroom and then Buffy’s room across, wanting to go have another cold shower. That was something he was really getting tired of doing, but he still refused to get himself off when the reason for his situation was his little sister. He knew it’d be just his luck if Buffy came out of her room and caught him on his way to the bathroom, erection and all, but he decided to risk it anyway.


Stepping lightly, but quickly he moved towards the door at the end of the hall, but as he got nearer and nearer he could swear he heard something. He could hear something coming from the bathroom.


Testing the door he found it wasn’t locked so he opened it carefully. In that moment he could swear he was removed from his body and was now floating above himself watching events unfurl. It became obvious to him as soon as he began to step inside the bathroom what the noise was, but he was already moving and couldn’t stop. The sound he could hear from the hallway was in fact the shower, more specifically someone singing in the shower, even more specifically and importantly that person was obviously Buffy.


Shutting it to just as quickly as he had opened it Spike flew away from the door, but stood still like a statue in the hallway. His mouth was left slightly open and his eyes were wide at what he’d seen.


Buffy.


Naked.


Completely naked.


It didn’t occur or matter to Spike that there was nothing strange in her being naked as she had been taking a shower. All he could concentrate on was her image, her beautiful body which was now forever etched in his mind. He couldn’t even bring himself to think how wrong it was that he’d just seen his sister naked and now couldn’t stop thinking about her.


He closed his eyes, but the picture just got more intense. She had been facing away, slightly bent over, her hands gliding down her soapy thighs.


His erection stirred once more, but Spike was too lost in thought to care about how he should do something, like maybe run back to his room and hide. The only thing that eventually made him go was the sound of the shower being turned off and the shower door sliding open.


Spike moved back to his room and sat down on the edge of the bed. He still couldn’t think of anything but Buffy, and in his hasty retreat he hadn’t even thought to close his door fully. He only realised this when he saw a flash black, which immediately drew his attention. He stood up and crept to the door, hiding himself behind it as much as he could.


When he looked over at her room expecting to see her disappearing and shutting herself away instead he found her entering and leaving the door slightly open behind her, just like he had.


He assumed she was just going to come right back out again, but to his shock she suddenly slipped off her towel and threw it onto her bed. She took a step back and for a while he couldn’t see her, at least not without coming too far into view himself. Then suddenly he saw one of her legs as she stretched it in front of her onto her bed. She picked up the towel and began to dry herself from the ankle up.


This was wrong. This was verging on perverted, but he couldn’t look away. Her skin looked like silk and he just wished his hands could follow along the path the towel caressed.


Without thinking his hand moved down to take out his rock hard penis and before he realised what he was doing he began stroking it up and down. For a few seconds he shut his eyes before knowing he had to look at her once again, he couldn’t not.


She’d moved on to the other leg by the time he looked again, but she was taking her time. Spike bit his lip as he helplessly increased his pace on himself. He couldn’t deny how good it felt not only to free his massive hard on, but also to actually be able to do something about it for a change.


She was absolutely gorgeous; the perfect woman. All thoughts of her being his step sister left his mind as if forever. She wasn’t his sister, she couldn’t be. This golden goddess in front of him; she was an angel sent from heaven, she must have been.


She put down her leg and stepped forward, just as Spike thought he couldn’t be more drawn to her he saw her fully naked body once again.


Losing himself in the moment he started to think she’d done all this on purpose. She hadn’t locked the bathroom door when having a shower, knowing full well he was in the apartment and could walk in at anytime, and now she was undressing with her door ajar. Does she want this? he thought. Perhaps it was just a way to make him feel less guilty at the thought of what he was doing. Or maybe it was true. He didn’t think he’d ever know really, so he just continued to move his hand on himself faster.


He saw her walk over to the other side of the room and then when she came back into sight she had underwear in her hand. She threw something down on the bed and then lifted a foot at a time and slipped on a pair of black French knickers, his favourite kind of underwear. God she’s getting more perfect by the minute.


Spike continued to do more than look as he suddenly became aware for the first time in his life that dressing was just as sexy as undressing. He knew he was close to coming. Even though he could normally last longer than this and part of him didn’t want it to end, he was just too turned on and he also knew he had to finish before Buffy came out of her room or glanced out of her doorway and saw him. He was sure the risk of getting caught and all the adrenaline in his blood was going to help him out this time.


Buffy reached back over the bed to grab the bra she had discarded earlier, as she did so her breast swung into view, Spike’s attention suddenly focused on her hard nipples, and her beautifully shaped mounds. Imagining his hands curved around them, squeezing them, licking them, biting them. That was all it took.


He focused all his control on not making a sound as he came hard, spurts of come splashing onto the lower part of his bedroom door. His hands left his softening cock and he braced the door either side of his head, as his body lolled forward his weight forced the door to shut to.


When he was closed off out of sight he released the breath he’d been holding and began to pant, closing his eyes as if the world around him was spinning and he needed to get centred.


As he tucked himself away and sat down on the bed he thought, What is wrong with me? He knew he was now completely over the borderline of reasonable behaviour.


He didn’t know what to do.


I’m weightless…I’m bare…I’m faithless…I’m scared.

I’m lonely


Buffy woke gently from her dream sighing. She couldn’t really remember what had happened in it, but she knew it had been nice. She found herself hugging her pillow close with one arm, whilst the other was reaching to the empty space next to her, as if something was meant to be there.


Not giving it a second thought she put her actions down to whatever the dream had been about. She always slept alone, and it hadn’t ever bothered her before, so why should it now?


She glanced over at her clock and saw it was 11am. She didn’t have any classes to go to, but it was almost dinner time and she was still in bed so she decided to get up and get ready. She didn’t have anything to do all day so was very prepared to take advantage of having some free time and just relax. Her plan involved doing absolutely nothing for a change.


She threw the covers off herself and climbed slowly out of bed, stuffing her feet into her slippers, and then reaching out for her dressing gown that was hung on the wardrobe door. Slipping it on she went out into the hallway.


As she got closer to the bathroom she heard the sound of running water. She figured Spike must be having a shower so waited outside for him to finish.


She hadn’t seen Spike at all yesterday, and although she didn’t like to admit it, she missed him. She hated to think what it would be like going back to living on her own once Spike found another place; she’d quickly gotten used to this arrangement. Even though she’d never expected it to happen she actually quite liked having him around. Save for the accidental kissing and touching, or perhaps because of it. No she couldn’t think like that. Not about Spike anyway.


As she was daydreaming the bathroom door swung open. A cloud of steam blew out in front of her, and as it calmed away she could see Spike’s form in the doorway. He had a towel wrapped low around his waist, and he was casually rubbing his hair dry with another smaller towel.


Buffy could swear everything was suddenly happening in slow motion as she watched a bead of water cascade down the smooth skin of Spike’s perfectly defined chest and abs. His hot body was calling out to her, and it was as if he was the clear guiding light in the steam. The steam that seemed to be coming right off of his sizzling skin, flowing towards her and fogging her thoughts.


“Luv?” he asked with an amusement to his voice.


When she came close to leaning forward and licking the water droplet off his stomach she suddenly snapped back to reality as it landed on the floor and Spike’s voice sounded in her ears.


“Huh?” was all she could manage in response, suddenly shaking her head and then finally lifting her eyes away from his body and up to his face. “I, um…huh?”


Spike smiled as she continued to be incoherent and obviously transfixed on him for some reason.


Buffy became embarrassed and a flush of red coloured her cheeks immediately. “I…sorry, I was just…I wanted to use the…I’ll see you later.” With some resemblance to words finally coming out of her mouth she moved past him and into the bathroom. He stepped out of her way and turned round to find her shutting the door on him.


He smiled and walked away shaking his head in confusion. He had no clue why she was acting so oddly, but he knew it amused him. She was so cute when she was acting dazed and confused, he couldn’t help but smile.


Meanwhile Buffy was frozen leant back against the bathroom door angry at herself, and feeling the most ridiculous she had ever felt in her entire life.


What was wrong with her? She’s seen Spike in a towel before. Granted it’d been at least 10years ago and he had nowhere near the muscular physique he had now. But that shouldn’t matter should it? She shouldn’t have any kind of reaction, hot bod or not! She banged her head a few times on the surface behind her in frustration before huffing and walking towards the shower.


She so needed to get out. It wasn’t the steam in here that was making her sweat.


She was going to have a shower and go get some fresh air. Or at least she was going to go somewhere else, somewhere where her perfectly shaped, sexy stepbrother didn’t run around half naked, with water dripping down his body like some sort of a hunky model in a cheesy commercial.


Yes. Fresh air definitely needed. Normal breathing now becoming an issue.


Every morning, my eyes will open wide.
I gotta get high, before I go outside.
Roll another, for breakfast, burning clouds around, and in my solar plexus.
Hang on, hang on, to your IQ…


Buffy got in that night and heard the sound of the TV in the living room. She’d spent the day avoiding Spike, and now she was sure she’d got herself under control from earlier.


“Hi.” she called, popping her head round the doorway briefly.


“Hey, pet.” Spike answered back, and then he shut off the TV and got up to follow her into the kitchen.


She had bags and bags of shopping set down on the table and was riffling through them.


“We stocking up for an earthquake or something?” he asked curiously.


“No,” she laughed, “I just looked this morning and realised we had absolutely nothing in. I can’t believe I didn’t realise before.” She turned around to put some things in one of the cupboards and then went back to the bags.


“I wondered where you’d been.” Spike said as he came forward and leant over the back of one of the chairs with his arms crossed.


“I finally have a few days where I don’t have an assignment and there’s the shopping to do, and they’ve asked me to work a double shift tomorrow. Can’t really say no either, ‘cause I need the money.”


“You should have told me, kitten. I would have gone and fetched something in. Rememeber,” he said pointing himself, “bloke here. You have to remind me to do this stuff, I’m not one with the paying attention to domestic things….Dru always said that I…”


“Its okay, it’s not your fault.” She cut in quickly. Then she wished she hadn’t, because she had sounded angry. His face looked wounded, as if he was scared to speak now and didn’t know why. She realised it had probably come out a bit harsh, but she couldn’t help it; every time he mentioned Dru’s name she just couldn’t stand it, and felt the need to make him stop.


Neither said anything for a while. Buffy continued to put the shopping away and then leant back against the kitchen counter and mopped her brow, pushing the hair out of her face and huffing in exhaustion. Then she moved to put the last few things in the fridge.


“You should do something fun, take a break from work, luv.” Spike said, truly worried about her, “You need it, or you’re just going to burn yourself out.”


“I know.” she sighed, closing the fridge, and turning back to him. “I was thinking about asking Faith to go clubbing sometime. That always takes the edge off the dull.”


“I think that’s a good idea, kitten. You haven’t been out since I moved in this place, part from to college and the diner.”


“Yeah, we can just go out dancing or something. I could still make work the next day if I didn’t drink too much or stay out to late, but I could de-stress and have some excitement in the meantime.”


“Sounds fun.”


“You should come too.” What? Did I really just ask that?


“Erm…okay.” Why did I say that? I don’t want to go to a bloody club with her! What the hell would we do there together? Me, a 26 old guy with an obviously sick obsession about my little sister; her, said little sister who isn’t even old enough to drink at any club we’d be going to…This was not good.


“Really?” she asked, almost as surprised by his answer as she was by her asking him in the first place.


“Yeah, why not?” he said gritting his teeth, struggling to think of a way out of it all now.


She paused then suddenly burst out with, “That’s great!” Why did I just ask him that? Am I a complete moron?


“Okay, great!” he said terrified, but trying not to let it show. Instead he began to overcompensate. “It’ll be great!” he repeated again, “Absolutely great.”


He thought it was going to be great? That means I can’t take it back now! She forced a smile and made to leave the kitchen, turning round when she got to the doorway. “I’ll call Faith and ask her about tomorrow night.”


“Good, great.” he said hoping she couldn’t see the ‘deer trapped in headlights’ look in his eyes.


“Okay.” she said finally, then exited to rush off to bed.


When Buffy had left Spike pulled out the chair and sat down at the table. He put his head in his hands. Shit, he thought, Why did I agree to that, why wasn’t I bloody paying attention to what I was saying?...That was definitely not good.


Hang on, hang on, to your IQ…

Gravity.
No escaping…


“Come on, pleeeease.” Buffy said leaning against his door. The bracelets on her arms jangled as she shifted awkwardly in the hallway. She’d spent the whole evening at work thinking about this clubbing thing, and in the end she’d come to the conclusion it wouldn’t be that bad. It might actually be really, really good. It would give them time together, away from the flat, and they’d be in public where they couldn’t go all weird on each other.


“No chance, pet.” Spike said from inside. He was comfortably laid down with a book, listening to the Ramones, and nothing was going to entice him away, especially the prospect of going to a club with his underage little sister and her friend. It did not sound like the funniest evening.


“You said you would last night!” she whined through the door.


He sighed, he did, but only because he didn’t bloody think about what he was agreeing to. He put down his book, got up and yanked open the door, startling Buffy a bit.


“Okay, kitten, just this once.” he said reluctantly, although a moment later a little part of him actually wanted to go after seeing how happy it made her.


A big grin had spread across her face and she had to force herself not to jump up and down. She was so excited, but she didn’t know why. Maybe because she wanted to spend time with him, and everything else they’d done so far made her feel young. She hated that she wasn’t 21 yet. She thought maybe seeing her at club would make him see that she wasn’t a little girl anymore. Well seeing her at a club that he wasn’t working at at least.


“I swear to you it won’t be lame.” she said staring up at him.


He didn’t say anything for a while. He doubted he’d have a good time, and he couldn’t lie to her and say he was looking forward to it, but at the same time he didn’t want to let her down, and like it or not he had promised. “So where we going then?”


“Not the Bronze, I promise.”


“Okay, so where?”


“It’s just another club; me and Faith go there a lot.” she beamed.


“Can’t be that good then, if it lets underage girls in.” Spike chuckled not realising the reaction he would get. He saw Buffy’s face suddenly fall. “Okay,” he said, “Shutting up now.”


“Forget it.” She smiled again, it seemed nothing he could say would dispel her good mood for too long. “You ready to go now?”


“Yeah, let’s go.” get this over with, he thought.


Buffy had agreed to meet Faith round the corner from the club, but when they got there there was no sign of her.


“She’s always a little late.” Buffy said to Spike briefly.


She seemed nervous about something; she was leant against the wall fidgeting and looking anywhere but at him.


“You okay, kitten?” he asked looking down at her.


“Yeah,” she replied, “I just don’t like waiting for her, but at least you’re here.” She smiled at him and he couldn’t help but smile back.


As her eyes left his to stare at the floor he continued to watch her closely. She shivered when the wind picked up slightly and pulled her arms up to hug herself.


“Cold?”


She shook her head, but shivered again.


“Do you want my jacket?” he offered.


She shook her head again.


“Come here, pet.” he said as he stood away from the wall and reached an arm behind her to pull her away from it too. He took off his leather coat and placed it around her shoulders.


Buffy held the jacket together in front of her chest and grinned. “Thanks.”


Spike smiled back at her, not saying anything. There was something nice about seeing her in his clothes, but he didn’t like to think what it was. He’d liked it when Dru wore his coat, or his shirt, but he didn’t like how easily he’d made the comparison to what he liked on someone who used to be his girlfriend, and what he liked on his sister.


“B!” A shout from across the road caught both Buffy and Spike’s attention. When they turned they saw Faith running up to where they were. Buffy immediately started to walk towards her, but Spike hung back. He watched as they hugged.


“Nice jacket.” Faith drawled, her eyes moving over Buffy appreciatively.


Buffy laughed quietly and mumbled that it was Spike’s.


“Ah…blondie. Nice to see you again.” Faith said in Spike’s direction.


“You too.” Spike offered politely stepping closer to the two girls.


Faith winked at him, but he could tell it was friendly and nothing more.


Faith and Buffy began to walk, and Spike followed close behind them and watched Faith. She was quite an interesting girl from what he could tell. She behaved a lot like some of his college friends did. He could imagine liking her if he was her age, but even though she seemed nice he couldn’t imagine how her and Buffy had become friends.


When they got a little bit closer Buffy slowed until Spike had caught her up and was at her side.


“We’ll go in first, just in case they don’t let us in. Okay?”


That’s when Spike’s pessimistic thoughts began again. He remembered he was out with underage girls. I can’t believe I’m actually here.


“Spike, you okay?” Buffy asked when he didn’t reply.


“I’m fine.” he said, though he couldn’t keep the sulk out of his voice. It was obvious he wasn’t up for this anymore.


“Don’t worry, blondie. We always get in here.” Faith said as if that would make him feel better.


Spike rolled his eyes at how cocky she was, but when she caught his eye it seemed like a challenge and he realised she was being protective, and trying to subtly tell him to stop moping for Buffy’s sake. She knew why he was acting the way he was, but she was giving him an easy out; an opportunity to not let Buffy see.


He thought it was a very different situation to the first night he’d met her, when Buffy had had to take care of her. To be honest at the time he had wondered if Faith was the type of person who used their friends, but it seemed like she did genuinely care for Buffy as much as Buffy did for her.


Briefly Spike thought back to that night; the night he reunited with Buffy. Everything seemed so different now, they talked more, they got on well, but here they were in a similar situation. He’d upset Buffy that first night by treating her like a child and not appreciating that underage or not she was old enough to be an adult. He was judging her on her age and not seeing the real her, and he was doing it again.


After all the time they’d spent together, and how much he’d got to know and respect her in the past few weeks, he had to give her a chance. He had to stop being so protective and judgemental. In short he had to lighten up.


They got in just like Faith said they would, and Spike almost actually sighed in relief. He followed them inside a few minutes later and found them at the bar buying drinks.


Buffy was handing over some money, but Spike came up behind her and laid his hand on top of hers.


“Let me get them, luv.” he said smoothly.


Buffy froze slightly, and then she blushed and pulled her hand away. “We’re going to go get that table over there.” she said, and Spike nodded saying he’d come over with the drinks.


They sat at the table for about 20minutes chatting. At first Spike had kept quiet as the girls caught up with each other, not really knowing what to say, but eventually Faith pulled him into the conversation and started asking him questions. After a while the 3 of them were getting on and Spike silently thanked God for Faith. If she hadn’t been here it might have been truly awkward, but it was all going quite well.

That was until the girls finished their drinks.


“Me and Faith are gonna go dance, you want to?” Buffy asked him eagerly.


“I’m not the dancing type, luv.” he replied trying to sound regretful as he took a drink of his whiskey.


“Suit yourself.” she said almost laughing. The next thing she knew Faith was dragging her onto the centre of the dance floor by her wrist.


Truth was Spike would have loved to have gone and danced with her. But the only dancing Spike did would not have been appropriate.


At first he thought the best thing to do would be not to look at her, but after a while curiosity got the best of him.


Curiosity killed the cat. No truer words were ever spoken, he thought as he glanced up and caught the sight of Buffy’s hair as she ran her fingers through it. He’d give anything to be up there doing that for her. Bad thoughts.


They were both dancing, swinging their hips and moving their young, slender bodies, but all of Spike’s focus was on Buffy for now. Her blonde hair shook with every movement she made, and her hands rested on her hips as she swung them from side to side in time with the music. As the beat got stronger her movement became more confident. It was the first time he really saw her as she was, as the woman she’d become.


A part of him became very enraged at the thought that she did this all the time, in public, around boys who weren’t good enough to even look at her. She probably didn’t even know the effect she had on people. The other part of him could do nothing else but watch her, as her hypnotic dancing moved him into madness. He didn’t think he could take much more.



Holy fuck, she should be illegal.


Then Faith came closer to her and slid her hands onto Buffy’s hips, as if they belonged there. Spike’s breath caught as he saw Faith directing Buffy’s hips to move even more. He almost felt panic when Buffy pulled away; he just didn’t want this to stop. But to his surprise Buffy had moved so she could turn round, the minute her back was to Faith she stepped closer again, moulding herself to Faith’s body and becoming an equal in their dance.


Every now and again Buffy slid down Faith’s body, or Faith grabbed Buffy’s hips. It was the sexiest thing he’d ever seen, and he couldn’t tear his eyes away even though he tried.


They continued to grind provocatively against each, one song blurring into the next. It seemed like hours that he sat there watching them; the sweat beading on their faces and chests. Buffy’s bust, which was straining underneath her top glowed with the moisture, and all he wanted to do, right or wrong, was lick it off.


No hesitation, no delay, you come on just like special k…
Just like I swallowed half my stash…
I never ever wanna crash…


By the time she got back to the table he knew he was still staring at her, but he couldn’t help it. He couldn’t stop thinking about the way she had moved. She still looked beautiful even though her hair was all over the place and she was out of breath, and obviously flushed. He’d never been so attracted to someone in his whole life.


Buffy was smoothing down her dress again when she looked up and found Spike staring at her. She was confused, wondering if she’d done something. “Spike, you okay?”


Every time, you seem to come around...


“Yeah, pet.” He gulped, and then tried his best to relax and smile at her. “I’m fine.”


No escaping. Not for free. I fall down.

“You know I did have a good time tonight.” Spike said as they entered the kitchen. He threw his jacket over one of the chairs and looked up at her to find her smiling.


“Me too.” She caught his eye and blushed.


“Guess it’s a good thing you talked me into it.”


“What would you do without me?” she teased.


Spike suddenly became lost in thoughts of her again, “I don’t know, kitten.” He remembered how most of the night he’d been staring at her. He’d only started to relax near the end when they sat down in a group talking and laughing. He couldn’t hear enough of her laughter after that.


She blushed again and turned away, but he stepped towards her and reached to lift her head up to look at him.


“I’m being serious now, Buffy. Thank you. Not just for tonight. Thanks for taking me in, I know you probably didn’t want to.”


“It’s nothing.” she replied.


“It’s not nothing.” he said firmly.


She walked away brushing it off again as no big deal. She pulled out a chair and sat down at the table. “I couldn’t really say no anyway. I mean I was here and…”


He sat down opposite her. “Yeah you were here, weren’t you?” he said staring at her as if he was looking for something.


She looked at him completely confused at what he’d meant by that.


“Why New York, Buffy? Why did you come here?” he finally explained.


“Why not?”


“Honestly Buffy. Why did you come here? I’ve always wondered. You loved California, you could have stayed there.” He looked at her seriously, pausing and then finished, “So why come here?”


“Because of you.”


Talk is cold and burns like the sun...


“Me?” he asked, taken by surprise.


“Yeah. You always wanted to come here; you were always banging on about how great it was.” She looked down at the table instead of at him and said, “And I…I wanted to be here with you.”


“But I…”


“Don’t get the wrong idea, Spike.” she interrupted him, “It’s not like I came here last year planning to live with you, or even hang out with you. I knew we’d probably never see each other. I’m not talking about then; I’m talking about when I was younger.”


He sat there saying nothing, waiting for her to continue when she was ready.


“I idolised you, you were my big brother. You were cool and exciting, and you had all these plans. I wanted to be that exciting, and I didn’t have any plans of my own then, so I modelled mine on yours. I grew up knowing I was going to go to New York and live here, go to college here. And then we...”


“Yeah.” He jumped in, not wanting her to explain how they had drifted apart; he knew that story all too well. “So, why did you still come after that?”


“By then I’d gotten pretty set on it for other reasons. I’d researched the college, the courses, the city. When it came time to decide where to go I still had my heart set here because I knew so much about it.”


“So you moved here because…”


“It was one of the best places to go.” she finished.


“Why didn’t you just say that when I asked then?”


She tried her best to keep his gaze so that she knew he was listening to her. “Because it was one of them, Spike,” she paused, “but wanting to go here because of you, that was still a reason that made me choose it over all the other equally good schools. So you needed to hear that. I wanted you to know.”


“Oh.” he said quietly.


The back of the class is where I’m from…
Keeping quiet, playing dumb.


“I wanted you to know because I’m so glad I came here.” she said after a while.


Spike said nothing.


“I’m telling the truth, Spike. Moving here was the best thing that ever happened to me. It’s given me a new life.”


Eventually he looked at her, and gave her a genuine smile. “Well that’s good then, pet.”


“Sometimes I’m afraid though.” she said looking away.


“About what?”


“Afraid it’s not going to go anywhere.”


“It will.” he said sweetly.


“You can say that, Spike. But I want to be a journalist, and what do I do for a living?” Her face fell, and so did her voice. “I waitress.”


“After college there’ll be loads of things you can do in journalism. You’ll have qualifications and…”


“I know, but they don’t guarantee anything, Spike.” She sighed. “And even if I got a shot, who knows what would happen...I like doing this course, but what if I’m no good at it? What if I can’t be a writer?”


“You’re serious aren’t you? You really doubt yourself that much?” It broke his heart to hear her talk about herself this way. And everything she wasn’t saying he could see in her face. She was truly afraid of these things.


“I’m just being realistic. Just because this is something I want to do, doesn’t mean I’m going to get to do it. You have to have experience, luck and talent. I have zero experience outside this course and I’m like the unluckiest person in the world!” Spike looked as if he was going to jump in so she continued, “And you can’t say I have talent because you’ve never read any of my stuff.”


Buffy liked that he was trying to reassure her, but she wasn’t a child, and she was trying to share something with him that was really important to her. She was trying to tell him her true fears and she just wanted him to listen.


Spike immediately retreated, closing his mouth. She was right, and even though he wanted to tell her she was talented, he knew she wouldn’t accept it. It upset him that he couldn’t comfort her the way he wanted, but saying something now wouldn’t make her feel better.


They sat quietly for a time before Buffy broke the silence. “You’re right you know; I probably would have stayed in California. But I’m so glad I didn’t. I love my course. I moan and bitch like everyone else about work, but I wouldn’t want to do anything else.”


And I am one, I am. I am one, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am.


“Huh.” Spike laughed, and it made Buffy look up questioningly, so he answered her, “I had a very different experience.”


“Spill.”


“What do I get if I do?” he said suddenly smiling cheekily and curling his tongue behind his teeth.


“Nothing.” she said firmly, but with a smile, “I’ve shared, now its your turn.”


“There isn’t much to tell. I had a great time…at first.”


“At first?”


“You know when it’s just about the people and the fun and the new experiences? That was great. I’d go out, go places; I’d hang around with interesting people. I liked the campus, I liked living here. Bloody hell, I even liked my course at first.” he said, and then suddenly became quiet.


“So what happened?” she pressed.


“I didn’t want to do the work.”


“No one does.” she laughed.


“Yeah, but everyone does it anyway, because they want to pass…I didn’t. I stopped caring. I don’t know when, but I did.”


“Why?”


“I didn’t want to do English, pet. The more I went to class the less I cared. And I wanted it to be the other way around, I wanted to come here and learn to love it.”


“You knew you didn’t want to do English, before you came here, didn’t you?” she said suddenly realising she’d been wrong about Spike all this time. From her point of view Spike seemed so sure of everything when he was her age. He’d wanted to go to college and do English in New York. But now she realised he hadn’t wanted that at all.


“I thought if I went to college I’d just like it, or I’d get used to it. I knew what I wanted to do, but it wasn’t sensible, it wasn’t stable, so I did this instead. I couldn’t make a career out of the other thing.”


“Since when did you care what was sensible and stable?”


“Since I grew up?” He laughed, but more at himself and his foolishness than her. “At least I thought I was growing up; I thought I was making an adult decision and facing up to things…but really I was hiding, I was too scared to do what I really wanted. In a way it was the most childish thing I’ve ever done.”


“What did you want to do instead?” she said waiting with baited breath.


Spike didn’t answer her, or even look up at her. Buffy thought she knew and she wanted to ask him if she was right, but when she looked at him she saw his pride was hurt. She’d opened up to him and now he was doing the same, but his issues were in the past and he couldn’t change them, so it was dredging up old wounds that he couldn’t do much about, and that was causing him pain.


“So my final year…I dropped out.” His head hung low and she could no longer see into his eyes properly.


“But you were so close?”


“That didn’t matter to me.” he confessed. “It was something I didn’t want. No matter how close I was to getting it, it didn’t change the fact that I didn’t want it. By the end I didn’t even want to be there.”


I’m in a race and its killing time…


“I’m sorry you felt that way, Spike.”


He looked up and saw she was being genuine. “It’s in the past, kitten.” he said more for her than himself. “I have my regrets, but at the end of the day if I hadn’t gone there I wouldn’t have experienced all the college stuff, the meeting new people, moving away. And I wouldn’t have met Dru.”


That hit Buffy like a truck, right smack in the chest, and temporarily stunned her. She eventually found her voice. “Maybe that would have been better.”


All he did was stare at her, as if he’d realised something for the first time. “You’ve never been in love, have you, kitten?”


Buffy said nothing, she didn’t want to confess that to him, but by keeping silent she might as well have.


“If you had you wouldn’t say that.” he said simply. “Because it’s all worth it, even with Dru it was all worth it.”


She still didn’t say anything, but now because she had no clue what to say. She was in a conversation that was out of her understanding. She couldn’t comment on love, she didn’t know what love was.


“I hope you fall in love one day, Buffy.” He’d meant it sincerely, but she took it as patronising.


Buffy’s eyes widened and she stood up abruptly. “I’m doing fine on my own you know!” she said suddenly enraged.


Coz I’m in a race and I’m doing fine.
Thank you.


Spike got up to follow her. She walked away from the table and was headed out into the hall but he grabbed her arm and pulled her back to stand in front of him. “Don’t do that.” he begged.


“Do what?” she said, still angry.


“Get defensive. I didn’t mean it that way. I really didn’t.”


She looked away and made a move to leave again, but she stopped when he spoke again.


“I’m really proud of you, Buffy.”


“What?...Why?” She said turning around.


“Why? Because you’re doing something you really want to do, and you’re stood here confessing you have no idea whether it’s going to work out or not.”


“And that’s why you’re proud?” she asked, utterly confused.


“Yes. Do you know how brave that is? To be so scared of failure, but still try anyway?”


Buffy’s rage ebbed, and she softened instantly.


“That’s my biggest regret. I wasted my time at college. I did something I thought I should do, not something I wanted to do.”


Buffy paused, but her heart was melting at his confession. “I never understood why you did English Spike.” she said honestly. She wanted him to know that even when she’d thought he wanted to go to college, she’d always been confused by it. She wanted him to know that he didn’t fool her completely. “You were good at it, but you lived for your music.”


His heart swelled at her words. He hadn’t wanted to share with her his dreams, because it upset him, but he didn’t need to, because she already knew them. She knew him.


He stepped towards her and took her hands into his and held them in front of him. “That’s why I dropped out, Buffy. Because I wasn’t following my dream. I didn’t think it would ever work out for me, so I gave it up, and then I was stuck doing something my heart wasn’t in, so I gave that up too.” He dropped her hands gently, and laid one of his on her cheek. His thumb caressed her face. “You’re scared, but you’re here anyway, living your life the way you want to. I’d give anything to be that strong, luv.”


“Strong? Me?” she giggled, “You must have me confused with another Buffy.”


He laughed, turned his head and dropping his hand. “First of all, I don’t think there is another Buffy.”


“And second of all?” she said drawing his attention back to her. She stared deep into his eyes.


“Second of all, I…” He suddenly forgot what he wanted to say and froze, still staring.


“Spike?” she said, wanting to know what was wrong.


“You’re so brave, Buffy.” he said leaning closer, “And I feel so terrible that I wasn’t here for you. I mean it when I say I’m so proud that you made it on your own, but I should have been there to help.”


“Its okay, Spike.” she said becoming very affected by how close he was to her. She closed her eyes and licked her lips when she realised they’d gone dry from her ragged breath escaping onto them. “I forgive you. I forgave you as soon as I saw you again.”


“I should never have gone away.” he whispered.


“You came back.” she said as he leaned down, and she knew he was going to kiss her. “That’s all that matters to me.”


Her last words were swallowed by his mouth, his lips fastening to hers tenderly. The kiss was slow but firm. When she opened her mouth for him and his tongue found hers she moaned.


Two of a kind…


He pulled back to look at her, but he didn’t know what to say.


Can’t you see these skies are breaking?

Fall into you.


Buffy stared not knowing what to do. In the end she didn’t have to do anything, because he swooped in for another kiss. This one was hungrier than the last one. He had his hands on her back just above her ass and was firmly pulling her against his body. Her hands had immediately slid into his hair, and had started working through the soft curls at the back of his neck.


Spike’s kisses started to rob them both of breath, so he moved them down over her jaw and neck until he had to bend at his knees to kiss her collar bone. Then he used his position as leverage, gripping her waist tightly and hauled her up with him when he straightened his legs.


From instinct she wrapped her legs around him and started kissing him again, her hands now framing his face. He did his best to manoeuvre them to a bedroom; hers was closest so it won out.


They fell on the bed with a thud, but neither of them cared. Buffy spread her legs slightly to make room for him and he returned the favour by grinding into her making her release a soft gasp into his mouth. Spike stopped kissing her briefly to look at how beautiful she was with her hair spread out around her and her face flushed, then he leaned down again.


He began ghosting his lips over her neck, teasing her with his breath as he spoke to her. “Bloody hell, this is what I wanted to do last week, Buffy.” he said, his voice husky with lust. His mouth moved up to her ear as he continued whispering his confessions, “God, if you hadn’t stopped me I would have taken you right there on the counter.”


Tear us in two, is all it’s gonna do…


Buffy gasped as he moved back to her neck and sucked hard on the soft skin he found there. Her thoughts took her back to that night and she suddenly remembered not only stopping him, but why she has stopped him. “Spike, stop.” she protested weakly.


He stopped kissing her neck and looked up at her. “Why?” he panted out.


“Why?!” she repeated, suddenly enraged. “Why do you think?!” She quickly pushed him off her until he was knelt upright. He was still straddling her, but at least he was further away and she could think.


She cupped her face in her hands and tried to pull herself together, but then she heard his voice again.


“Kitten?”


“Stop calling me that.” she said, though her words came out muffled from beneath her hands.


“Buffy.” he begged, pulling her hands down and holding them in his, “Look at me.”


She looked at him, and he just stared back as if he expected her to speak to him, but she couldn’t think of anything to say.


“I know why we shouldn’t do this, okay.” He looked serious, and it made her want to listen, “I know all the reasons why this is wrong, and I’ve been over them all a thousand times in my head…But what about why we should? What about what we want?”


“Spike…” she tried to interrupt him, maybe because he was already swaying her, but he didn’t let her finish.


“Buffy, I want this to happen, no matter how much I shouldn’t. What do you want?”


She sat up so they were close and she could really look into his eyes.


“I want this, Buffy. I want you.”


And that was it; she’d never had anyone want her like that before. She surrendered. She more than surrendered, she leaned forward to kiss him, but he got there first. He slammed his lips onto hers, knocking her off balance. Her hands came away from where they were at her sides holding her upright, to hold the back of his head as he laid them down again.


“I’m going to make this so good for you, luv.” he promised while running his hands up her waist, underneath her top.


When she reached to pull it off for him he smiled and sat up to take off his own t-shirt. Then he was grinning at her from his elevated position, curling his tongue behind his teeth, and then laying back down over her as if he was a predator and she was his prey.


Then they were kissing again, and one of his hands had moved to her breast, pulling it out from the bra she still wore and teasing the nipple hard with his thumb, while the other lay on her hip, rubbing soft circles there idly.


He would have taken things slower, would have been more cautious of scaring her with his lust, but he’d held back too long. It felt like he’d been waiting for this to happen for forever, and he couldn’t wait any longer.


Without warning he stopped kissing her and leaned down to take her freed breast into his hot mouth. Buffy arched her back bringing her chest closer to him and gasped at the wonder of his lips and tongue on her flesh. While he feasted on her his right hand slipped down. He unbuttoned her jeans and slid his fingers inside between her legs finding her wet. He sucked hard on her nipple with appreciation for what he’d found.


He circled and teased her entrance at first and then when she started shaking he roughly pushed two fingers into her and she screamed. When she relaxed and then began to squirm around he moved his fingers out and then back in. He continued pumping them in her, every few strokes stopping and curving them, rubbing her from the inside. Grunting he lifted his head only to move to the other breast and nudge it out of her bra with his nose, before fastening his lips around the nipple and sucking. He continued fingering her and enjoying every sound she made as he did so.


Normally he would have made her come, first with his fingers, then with his tongue inside her, lapping at her until she shivered into her orgasm, but this time he couldn’t wait. He was always a slave to his lust, however in the past he’d always been able to draw things out long enough, but with Buffy he just needed to be inside her. It was ironic that the one girl he had wanted to show off to the most in bed was the one girl that he couldn’t, at least tonight anyway, because he had to have her now.


He laid his head in between her breasts and stilled. “I need you, Buffy.” he said strained, looking for her complete acceptance.


“Its okay, Spike.” she said stroking the back of his head, sensing his anxiety.


He looked up at her and saw it really was ok. She knew he needed to have her and it didn’t frighten or upset her; she was going to let him, because she wanted him too.


He moved up her body again and kissed her for just a second. He sat up on his knees and began to peel her jeans down her thighs. When they reached her knees she lifted her legs up so he could pull them off completely. Then he dived down and kissed her stomach. He moved his kisses lower and lower until he reached her panties. Then he just carried on.

Buffy moaned as he placed a kiss over her cotton covered clit and then lower still towards her entrance, and that was when Spike knew he had to taste her, but not now; he couldn’t wait. He reached up and yanked her underwear down her legs. Then he leaned away from her slightly and she had to force herself not to push up into him again. He shoved down his own jeans and discarded them at the bottom of the bed.


Spike rested his weight on one hand and with the other he reached down to position himself against her. He placed the head of his penis at her soaked entrance and then laid back down on her.


He pressed forward into her very slowly, an action which took all of his control. Buffy gasped, sounding a little pained, but he kept going.


Then he paused, a sudden flood of guilt running through him.


Buffy became very aware that Spike wasn’t moving. “Spike, what’s wrong?”


“Buffy, are you a…”


Then realisation dawned on her. She had felt him reach her barrier and then stop, but she didn’t tie the two together. She was too embarrassed to speak so she just nodded.


Spike pressed his forehead down on the pillow beneath her.


“D-Do you not…” He lifted up his head and looked her in the eyes, and he saw her self-doubt. “Do you not want to…”


He cut her off with a kiss. It was soft and gentle, teasing her lips apart and letting their tongues play for a few seconds before pulling away. “I could never not want to, kitten.” he said nuzzling her neck, “I just…I mean…” He moved so he could look in her eyes again. “Are you sure you want this? It’s a big deal and…I mean do you want to…” he had to pause because he was very aware that he was still inside her, he had to reign himself in again before he could choke out his last word, “wait?”


She smiled now understanding he wasn’t rejecting her, he was actually struggling to do the right thing. She decided to put him out of his misery as it were. “I’m sure, Spike. I want this, I want you.” she repeated his words.


He rested his head against her neck again, moaning in relief, and she wrapped her arms around him and hugged him tight to her.


Then he kissed her briefly before reaching to brush the hair out of her eyes. “This might hurt.”


“I know.” she said, “It’s okay.”


He nodded. “Hold on to me then, kitten.”


And she did. She held onto him as tightly as she could, and minutes later when he breached her barrier he felt her nails dig into his back. He hissed at the pain, and also the unbelievable pleasure he felt at finally being fully inside the woman who had consumed his every thought recently.


“Spike?” she whimpered, “It hurts.”


“I know. It’s okay, sweetheart.” he said softly into her neck, “I’m going to be gentle.”


He felt her nod slightly, but he still didn’t make an attempt to move within her. Partly because she wasn’t ready for that yet, and partly because she felt so damn good that he worried he would lose it any moment if he didn’t get his shit together first.


When he thought enough time had passed he rocked into her experimentally and she moaned, so he withdrew from her slowly and then pushed back in.


He started a slow steady rhythm in and out of her as he stared at her beautiful face. He was lost in her and the feel of her. He rested his forehead on hers and closed his eyes. On a particularly firm thrust Buffy arched her back and moaned deliciously. Wanting to make her do it again Spike opened his eyes and looked at her determinedly, picking up both his pace and his force slightly. When he felt her start to push back against him he knew if he hadn’t been lost before he was now, lost and never to come back. He leaned down to kiss her and they moved together for what seemed like eternity, but whatever it was it wasn’t enough.


Suddenly they were both finding it hard to keep kissing. Buffy felt an explosion on its way, she broke from his lips to gasp as she thrust her hips upwards and grabbed onto his shoulder in a feeble attempt to get closer to him. Spike had screwed his eyes shut, he wanted to look at her as she came, but he couldn’t think about anything apart from the force of his orgasm. He knew he was going to come hard any minute, but he tried to hang on for her.


“Spike” Buffy moaned out his name, suddenly tensing against him. He knew she was coming, he could feel her squeezing and throbbing around his cock, and it was driving him mad, but at least he knew he didn’t have to wait any longer. Losing all control he let his eyes fly open and upon seeing her in the throws of her own orgasm he let go and came inside of her, suddenly drained of all his energy.


He laid his head down on her, just above her breasts. His breath blew out over her chest in rough pants as she stroked through his hair with her fingertips. His hands slipped away from her hips and he huffed one last long breath out before rolling off her onto his back. His hand came up to lie across his forehead and he was still panting when Buffy sat up slightly beside him and leaned over to catch his eye.


As soon as he saw her he suddenly looked very serious, and he moved his hand to cup her face. His thumb brushed her cheek as he just stared at her. Buffy had to admit she was a bit self-conscious so relief flushed through her when his hand moved to the back of her neck to pull her down to kiss him.


The kiss was slow and lazy because they were both tired, but it still made them hungry for each other. Spike turned towards her more and pulled her closer ‘til they were laying side by side, his arm wrapped around her waist.


She knew her brain was pretty wrecked right now, because she was still in a haze from her intense orgasm, but she felt like she had to say something, to let him know how much what had just happened meant to her; how grateful she was that he wanted her, that he showed her in the way he made love to her how much he cared for her.


“Thank you.” she whispered onto his lips.


“What for, luv?”


And then she just kissed him, because she couldn’t put into words what he’d just given her.


Don’t give up on the dream.
Don’t give up on the wanting. And everything that’s true.
Don’t give up on the dream.
Don’t give up on the wanting.
Because I want you too. Because I want you too. Because I want you too.
Because I want you.

The sunlight shimmered in through the window as the wind picked up and moved the curtains aside in waves.


The breeze brought Spike out of his slumber gently. His arm moved up over his face to help his eyes adjust to the light. It was later than he had thought it was, and he wasn’t quite sure why he had slept so long into the day.


As he tried to move his body ached and refused to cooperate like it should. While he was trying to think of a reason for his sore limbs the previous night came back to him in complete technicolor. He quickly jerked his head to the side looking next to him, scanning for Buffy to convince himself he hadn’t dreamt it. To his relief he found her there, in the shadow of the room she was still undisturbed by the morning sun and slept soundly beside him in the bed.


She was laid on her back but facing away from him, her golden hair draped all over her pillow. The bed sheet she clung to herself had slipped down, revealing her slightly. Spike moved closer to kiss her gently on the shoulder and she stirred, but didn’t wake up.


He leaned over her so he could look at her properly, moving the hair out of her eyes, and she shifted slightly to get closer to him. She was still fast asleep he knew, but she was responding to his proximity none the less. She proved this again when she shivered under his touch as he ran his fingertips down her naked arm. This gave him a devilish idea to try and have as much fun as he possibly could, and see how long it took to wake her up.


He remembered their night together, and how they had fallen asleep in each others arms. He remembered what it felt like to be with her, and he automatically wanted that again.


Lifting the cover from her slowly he couldn’t help the grin that formed on his face as he remembered everything that had happened between them, and as he looked forward to everything that could happen from now on. It stayed there for just a minute before he shook it off to get on with more important things.


She shivered again as her skin was exposed to the cool air, but Spike quickly moved over her warming her once more. Smiling again he slid down her body replacing the cover over his head and positioning himself so he lay comfortably in between her spread legs.


He likes your attitude, he tries it on for size.
He spends the afternoon, between your thighs…how’s that for gratitude?

As he looked at her, open for him, and beautiful, he ran his palms up her thighs and squeezed the flesh beneath his hands. He leaned down slightly and blew out a warm breath. She moved under his grasp, but he figured she still hadn’t woken yet. Grinning mischievously he closed his eyes and lowered his mouth to her.


At first he simply kissed her there, but then placing his mouth on her again he let his tongue trail over he lips. She murmured and so he carried on. Her responses got louder as he continued to lap at her as if he was starved.


He could feel her getting aroused and he decided it was time to stop messing around and really give her a good morning. He thrust his tongue inside of her and she gasped loudly, raising her hips off the mattress. Now she was awake for sure.


He pushed her hips back down and held her tightly while she squirmed. He continued to lick her deeply until he heard her speak.


“Spike?” She whimpered out his name questioning if he was really there with her, and also wanting to know what it was he was doing to her body that made her feel this way.


He didn’t answer her; instead he released one of her thighs so he could rub her clit with his right hand.


“Oh God, Spike!” Caught by surprise at his change of tact she almost shouted out her pleasure.


Leaping back into taste her again Spike continued both assaults on her. His fingers stimulated her clit while he lavished the inside of her with his tongue.


Buffy had never had anyone do this to her before and she was overwhelmed. She felt flushed and hot and ready to explode as soon as she had woken up, and now the feeling was almost too intense. It was almost as good as when he had made love to her, and the memory of that sent her over the edge into a shivering orgasm.


Spike knew she had come, but he continued to lap at her until he felt her body relax and heard her breathing calm.


As soon as he was sure she was recovered he moved up, leaving harsh kisses and nips on her skin along the way. He wanted to spend all day kissing every inch of her body that he could find, happy to go on listening to her gasp and moan as she was now, and more. But he had to kiss her properly soon or he felt as if he was going to burst.


Reaching her lips he didn’t even look at her, he immediately dived in, devouring her. Buffy’s hands came up to brace his shoulders, but she didn’t attempt to pull him closer like she had done the night before. Spike didn’t pay too much attention to her lack of physical response, especially when her mouth finally opened underneath his and he was allowed to kiss her the way he wanted to.


Encouraged by her hot mouth and the feel of her body on fire below his own his hand moved into her hair pulling her further into the kiss. Their mouths moved together as she moaned for him despite her earlier inaction.


It seemed to last for hours…
It seemed to last for days…
This lady of the flowers, and her hypnotic gaze.


He was drowning in her, the feel of her, the touch and the look of her. The realisation of his recent fantasies and the fact that he had woken up to her overwhelmed him.


He was getting so lost and so aroused that he didn’t notice when Buffy tried to pull back. He ground his growing erection into her and she broke away from him to gasp; he let her because he loved making her do that.


When he went to kiss her again her hands pushed at his shoulders making him open his eyes to look at her.


What he saw in her face wasn’t the lust that was surely in his; it was uncertainty; it was panic; and he was shocked by it.


Seeing he was temporarily stunned Buffy took her chance and sat up. He sat up with her and went to cup her cheek tenderly when he saw she was close to crying. She stopped him abruptly and hung her head saying, “Don’t.” She made to get out of the bed and still confused Spike shifted to let her go before he could think to do anything else.


He sat there on his knees, with the sheets around his waist, wondering what the hell had just happened.


She wears her tears on her blouse, confused and racked with self-doubt.

Walk away to save your face, here comes the morning after…


“Buffy?”


She could hear him calling her name, but she didn’t answer him, and she didn’t move from where she was stood. She was frozen.


“Buffy?” Spike whispered her name as he turned into the bathroom and found her standing unnervingly still in front of the mirror. She was staring at her own reflection. “Buffy, pet. What’s wrong?” he asked coming to stand behind her. He put his arms around her waist and attempted to pull her close to him.


“Don’t, Spike.” she said pulling away. She walked to the other side of the bathroom to put some distance between them and even though he turned to her she wouldn’t face him.


“Luv, you’ve got to tell me what’s wrong. You’re killing me here.”


She turned around then, saw the confusion in his face, and hated herself for being the cause of it. “I’m sorry, Spike….I…” Her words faulted as tears caught in her throat.


Spike saw her distress and it pained him. Despite the fact that his earlier attempts hadn’t been appreciated he reached to hold her once more, but this time she accepted, throwing herself into his arms.


He stroked her hair and hushed her as she cried. She clung to him and buried her head in his neck.


“Its okay.” he soothed, “It’ll be okay, pet. Just tell me what’s wrong.”


She froze in his embrace at his words, slowly pulling away. She looked afraid to speak, afraid to move. She was actually afraid of hurting him.


“Us, Spike.” she said eventually, “We’re what’s wrong. What we did.”


“Don’t say that, kitten.” he begged, searching her eyes, pleading with her, “Say anything but that.”


“I’m sorry Spike,” she whispered back to him, “Last night, it was…”


He shook her to stop her talking, “Don’t say it was a mistake, or that it was wrong, or…”


This time it was her turn to interrupt him, “I’m not Spike.” she said honestly, “Last night was so special, I’ve never…” she trailed off unable to look at him for a moment, and then she found her resolve again and continued, “but it was so intense. I wasn’t thinking at all, I was just doing.”


Spike looked back at her hard, unable to comprehend what she was saying.


Buffy yanked herself away from him and turned her back, incapable of finishing what she had started to his face. She took a breath and finally continued, “Then this morning, when you were kissing me, all I could do was think…All I could do was think about how we shouldn’t be doing this, and how I hate myself for doing this, for letting it get this far. I feel so guilty that I didn’t stop it, that I didn’t try to see reason.”


“Stop thinking so much.” he said with a confident tone, one that had her turn round to him in shock, wondering if he had been listening to her at all, it seemed he wasn’t going to take what she was saying on board.


“That’s your solution?” she asked him confused.


“I just don’t want you to drive yourself crazy over this.” he said stepping towards her and reaching to lay a hand on her shoulder and the other on her cheek.


“This?” Buffy repeated, raising her voice, “Do you know what this is, Spike?”


Spike kept silent not understanding where she was going next.


“Its incest.” she said bluntly, looking at him as if he was a complete naïve idiot.


“Don’t be bloody ridiculous!” he shouted, suddenly enraged at her accusation and her stupidity, not only at suggesting such a thing, but thinking he would accept it.


“You’re the one being ridiculous if you don’t see that this is wrong!” Buffy said now shouting back at him.


Spike turned his back on her trying to collect himself. He was quiet for a long time and Buffy’s heart was racing as she tried to guess what he would do next.


Eventually he spoke, evenly, calmly, but quietly, and Buffy had to move closer to hear him. “I don’t see it, Buffy. I don’t.” He turned around, “Nothing has ever felt so right to me.” He pulled her close into a hug and she melted in his arms, despite not wanting to.


“Spike.” She begged desperately for him to release her, both physically and emotionally, and understanding this without her having to say it he said no.


“Spike.”


“I said no, kitten. I won’t let you do this to me; to us.” He pulled back to look into her eyes, but he didn’t let her go far, keeping a firm grasp on her arms, “You can’t make this dirty or wrong, because it isn’t.” He looked from one of her eyes to the other making certain she saw how sure he was of what he was saying.


“We’re brother and sister.”


“You’re doing it again!” he said releasing her finally in frustration, “We’re not brother and sister! Not really, so this isn’t wrong! This isn’t inc…”


“Yes it is!” she cried, throwing her hands up in the air dramatically. “I think of you as a brother, Spike. Whether we’re related or not it’s still the same if I think of you that way.” She turned her head to the side, because she couldn’t look at him, stood there, wanting her, despite this whole thing.


“You don’t think of me as a brother. You haven’t for a long time.” he said stepping forward again, “And I don’t think of you as a sister.” At that her head shot up and she looked hurt, but his hand came out to stroke her jaw and his eyes softened in an attempt to make her understand him, “You’re so much more than that to me now.”


“It’s still not right. You can’t trick me into changing my mind.” She tried to sound firm, but her words trailed off towards the end.


“I don’t have to trick you.” he said cupping her face with both hands now. “You don’t think of me as a brother really do you?” She looked up at him and she could no longer keep up the lie, she lowered her head in answer that she didn’t, “So it’s not wrong to think of me this way instead.” he finished, moving his hands to hold her waist.


She glanced back at him, still angry that he was breaking down her argument, even though part of her determination to convince him was slipping anyway.


“Your logic, kitten.” he said in answer to her contempt. “You said if you think of me that way it’s wrong; that means if you don’t it isn’t.”


Her body sagged as she realised he was right; she quickly tried to think of something else to say.


Sensing this Spike spoke again before she had the chance to, “You’re just trying to think of reasons to stop this, because it’s what you really want.”


“That doesn’t make any sense.” she said pulling away once more, but only far enough so that he let go of her, she still kept close and challenged him to see if he really knew what she was doing, “Why would I do that?”


“I think you’re scared.” he answered reaching out to brush a piece of hair behind her ear.


“Of what?” she said longing to lean into his touch, and almost doing so.


“Of how you feel.” he almost whispered, “You’ve never felt this way…have you?”


She stared deeply into his eyes and felt her tears rise once more. She walked away from him, not knowing what else to do but run away, but he grabbed her desperately, spinning her round and drawing her body up against his.


“Have you?!” He demanded an answer this time.


“No.” she whispered.


He immediately crashed his lips into hers.


Buffy moaned as she felt his lips pull hers apart. Tilting her head she surrendered to him and got lost in his kiss.


He pulled back and searched her eyes, “Tell me.”


She knew what he wanted her to say, and this time there were no other thoughts to stop her telling the truth and give him what he wanted, “I’ve never felt this way.”


He rested his forehead onto hers, closing his eyes to ground himself as he contemplated how close he had come to losing her.


Buffy hated to see him struggling so much with his emotions and because of her. She didn’t want to toy with his heart, she couldn’t help how she felt or how scared she was, but she hated herself for it just the same. “I’m sorry, Spike. I…”


“Shhh.” he said stroking his hand through her hair, “There’s no shame in being scared and wanting to run from things, luv. The only shame is if you actually do run away from them.”


“I’m not going to run again.” she said putting her arms around him and bringing him closer to her so her head was buried in his neck, “I’m right here.”


“Me too.” he replied squeezing her tight.


Yes it’s just the second night, but I would break back nights for you.

“We’ve been in bed all day, luv,” Spike said as he zipped up his jeans, “and most of yesterday.”


“Exactly. So why bother getting up now?” She smiled up at him with mischief sparkling in her eyes.


“Because if I don’t turn up,” he said, doing up his button and then looking at her regretfully, “I’ll get the sack.”


Buffy huffed and threw herself back down on the bed dramatically.


He smiled at her, who could believe he’d done this to her in a matter of a few days? She was annoyed at the very thought of being away from him, and she couldn’t get enough of him sexually. He swore he was dreaming, and as much as he didn’t like to see her upset he was still smiling, because he loved that it was caused by her feeling that way about him.


He leaned down to her and kissed her. She had her eyes closed so it came as a surprise, a very pleasant surprise that she took the wrong way. Spike was opting for affectionate, but Buffy soon turned the kiss to passionate. She forced his tongue to come out and play with hers and she grabbed his face in her hands.


When Spike eventually tried to pull away he couldn’t seem to get Buffy loose. As he stood up he took her with him, she was trying so hard to make sure his lips never left hers that she ended up sitting up in bed, only breaking when he stepped away and she had no more leverage.


Spike smirked, but then went back to getting ready. He saw his top from yesterday still on the floor where he had thrown it in his usual haste to get “naked time” with Buffy, and went to pick it up. When he stood up again he noticed Buffy had scooched more towards the edge of the bed. She leaned forward placing her hands on his thighs and then she slid them up firmly towards his crotch.


“Ah, ah, ah.” he said grabbing her hands and holding them at a safe distance. “I didn’t do this to you yesterday when you had to get to work.”


Buffy frowned for a moment then looked annoyed, “Yes you did!”


Spike chuckled. “Yeah, I suppose I did.” He laughed again. Then he leaned over to Buffy and kissed her on her forehead. “But you still went to work in the end, and so will I.” With a smile still on his face he turned around looking for something clean to put on, then he remembered that they were in Buffy’s room, not his.


Signalling that he’d be back in a minute Spike walked into his room found a t-shirt and then came back already pulling it over his head.


He sat next to her on the bed, but she didn’t look at him, she was staring at the bedspread where her fingers were tracing idle patterns.


Spike tried to catch her gaze but her head hung too low, so he gently placed a finger under her chin and lifted it so she was looking at him. He leaned into kiss her softly.


“You know I want to stay.” he whispered.


She nodded and smiled.


Satisfied she was okay now he walked out of her room and she heard him go down the hall and into the bathroom. Buffy didn’t know what was wrong with her, she was behaving so unreasonably, but this was all still so new to her. All these feelings, experiences she had never had before, she was now struggling to cope when they weren’t accessible to her all the time. She hated being apart from him, and it was only acceptable when it was her schedule that interfered with their time together. She knew it was wrong to feel that way, but she did.


About 10 minutes later she heard the bathroom door open and close and Spike walked past her room. Eventually she put on her dressing gown and came out, following him into the hall where he was slipping his jacket on.


She was annoyed that her attempts to make him stay at home with her hadn’t worked. She didn’t know why she wanted him to stay so badly, she just hated the thought of him leaving right now. She was just so worked up for no reason. She had to think. Subtle hadn’t worked, so this time she opted for not so subtle.

The next thing Spike knew he was being turned around, pushed into the wall and Buffy’s lips were on his.


Remember me, special needs…


At first out of reaction he kissed her back, his hands roamed through her hair wildly and he didn’t realise anything outside of the two of them.


Then he remembered what he had been doing, and where he had been going. “Buffy, Buffy…Buffy.” he chanted her name against her lips trying to get through to her, but she wasn’t listening. “Buffy, I have to go to work, luv.”


She pulled away from him, their lips making a smacking sound as they separated. She stood facing him, with the biggest pout he’d ever seen. He knew she wasn’t really sulking; she was doing it on purpose, because he’d told her he thought she looked cute when she stuck out her bottom lip like that.


Well it wasn’t going to work, because he needed to get to the bar. He had called in sick once this week already and he didn’t want to lose this job. There. he thought, Its decided. I’m going to work. Defiantly not staying here. 100% going to work.


“Oh to hell with it.” he said before smashing his lips back against hers with such force he ended up pushed her across the hallway and against the opposite wall.


The next moment instinct took over, his instinct to have more contact. He had to touch her skin, but he didn’t have time to undo the knot of her dressing gown, so he simply shoved the sides apart underneath the knot and worked round it. His hands settled for a time around her waist, but as their kiss intensified his need rose and his hands started to hold her more firmly.


“I need you, Spike. I need you all the time.” she gasped, pulling away for a second.


Before he couldn’t think clearly, but momentarily freed from her lips he had a chance to think over her words. Recently they had done nothing but this. He’d given in to his needs completely, and to hers. He’d never denied her anything, and he never wanted to, but they had to control themselves eventually. It was true what he’d said to her, they’d fire him if he was late tonight, and he needed this job. They had to learn to live together; he wanted this to really be something, and as much as he wanted nothing but her, real life would always play a part.


Spike knew Buffy had only just gotten used to the idea of the two of them; he had to show her that they could be together properly. If they couldn’t then she might not waste her time with him. She could get bored and move on to someone else who could be in a proper relationship with her.


That was the first time Spike had thought that consciously about all this. He didn’t want to just have Buffy; he wanted to be with her.


He knew Buffy had never had a sexual relationship; especially one this intense, so he felt it was up to him to be the adult and cool things down. Hell he’d be back later; they could have amazingly hot passionate sex then. He wanted this to really work, so he decided to leave while he could. “I’ll be back later, sweetheart.” he said gasping for breath. And with that he rushed out and slammed the door behind him, not in anger, just in desperation.


Just 19, this sucker’s dream…


He didn’t leave straight away. He leant back against the door and took in a long deep breath, trying to slow his pulse down. He closed his eyes, collected himself and then went to work.

When Spike came back that evening he didn’t say a word to Buffy. She didn’t say a word either. They’d both had time to think things over, but they didn’t need to talk about it. Everything was clear enough already. Buffy wasn’t the least bit angry at Spike for leaving her earlier, or at least she’d gotten over it by now. She knew he had to go to work, she knew he would have stayed if he could. It was that simple.


He got in, closed the door behind him, and threw his keys down on the table. He heard footsteps and when he looked up, there she was; stood propped up against the doorway in a black, satin negligee.


She’s born to mesmer.


Her entire body was perfection, but Spike focused closely on her expression, so that he could try and gauge what she was thinking. She was obviously trying to set something up, she’d thought and planned something, but he wasn’t sure yet what that was.


She wasn’t smiling or giggling, so he knew she wasn’t teasing him, and she wasn’t nervous either so he knew her need had taken over her usual anxiety.


She was a temptress, but only a temptress, she made no move towards him, or in fact any moves at all. Spike knew she wanted him, but more importantly she wanted him to take her and take control. Seriously, and right now.


He strode towards her slowly, one hand went to her waist and the other cupped her cheek. That’s when she smiled up at him, because he’d understood her without words, and then he kissed her.


They didn’t talk, because right now they didn’t need words.


Her arms came around his neck, and soon both his hands slid to grab her ass and gently massage it. He started walking them back, and when Buffy’s legs hit the kitchen table and it rattled with the force that’s when Spike stopped being gentle.


He picked her up roughly, causing her to smile against his lips, and he dropped her to sit down on the table in front of him. He moved closer so that his erection was cradled against her sex.


They kissed, passionately, desperately, whilst grinding their lower halves against each other. Then Buffy felt Spike’s hands back at her waist and they were pushing her, encouraging her to lie down, so she did.


From his position above her Spike just stared. She was truly a goddess, and he didn’t know how much longer he could wait.


His hands moved to her legs, running up her inner thighs and over her stomach, pushing the negligee further up as he explored her body with his fingertips. The sight of the curve of her breast was enough to make him stop exploring, and stop teasing himself by revealing her a piece at a time. He suddenly had to see all of her and persuaded her to sit up for a second while he pulled the satin over her head and discarded it behind him without a second thought for it. When it was on her it was sexy, but now it wasn’t he couldn’t care less about it.


As soon as her breasts were exposed he latched onto them, sucking her right nipple into his mouth and forcing her to lie back down. She held his head to her breast as he flicked the erect nub, only to move on to the other and bite it wickedly. Buffy moaned out, and he went back to sucking on them as his hand moved down to pull off her underwear and unzip his jeans.


Before she knew what was happening he’d pulled away from her chest, stood up, dragged her to the edge of the table and thrown her legs over his forearms to elevate her. He took out his cock and positioned himself at her entrance, brushing her clit with the head a few times, and then when he saw her bite her lip to stifle a moan he was lost and had to thrust forward.


We’re sown together.


He was buried fully inside of her with that thrust, and they both almost came at the sensation, the rough excitement making everything that much more intense.


Buffy was searching for something to do with her hands; she couldn’t quite reach him from their positions with him stood up straight. He reached over her, almost as if laying down with her and then grabbed her hands pulling them over her head. He began to thrust in and out of her, feeling her pussy become soaked, and listening to her endless moans and gasps of pleasure. He wanted to go slow, but neither of them could control themselves enough to go slow right now, so he started a furious pace. They were writhing together and fucking each other like animals. Buffy’s head was thrown back in bliss and she was now almost shouting out her pleasure on each thrust.


Spike brought one of his knees up onto the table, which meant he could fuck her harder and deeper than before, and if it was possible she got even louder.


She’s born to mesmer.


She was laid out completely naked before him, and he couldn’t believe how lucky he was to have her all to himself. With that thought his primal side came to the surface. She was his, only his. Only he could see her like this, she would only bare herself like this for him. He was filled with pride, but also gratitude, that she had given herself to him, chosen him. And he vowed to never make her regret it.


Soon it became hard to be steady. She felt so good around his cock, and the sight of her body was driving him close to the edge. He picked up his pace, driving into her faster than he ever had before.


She could no longer keep up with the sped of his thrusts and he could no longer control himself. He abandoned pinning her arms simply because he couldn’t concentrate on holding them anymore, but then his hands moved down. Somehow through his sex haze he knew she was struggling to find his rhythm, so he grabbed her hips, probably hard enough to leave bruises, and started pulling her further onto him with each thrust.


They were both close to coming, but Spike feared he was finishing too soon, so he moved his right hand down and began to rub Buffy’s clit roughly as he continued to stroke his cock in and out of her.


She cried out as her orgasm hit her, and he followed her with his own after just one more thrust.


He collapsed against her, her cries still ringing pleasantly in his ears, too exhausted to worry about crushing her. Luckily his weight on her was comforting and she sighed contently. They both stayed that way for a long time, panting and gasping, trying to slow their heartbeats down, and get their breath back.


“Hi by the way.” she said after a while.


He laughed against her throat and then nipped her there with his teeth. “Hi.”


He moved them to his bedroom eventually, when he’d got his breath back and Buffy was able to stand without her legs shaking.


Beside, astride her, I die inside her.

A broken promise, I was not honest…


Buffy was looking into Spike’s eyes for a while thinking. They were laid next to each other on the bed and had been since their last love making session an hour ago.


She held the sheet to her breasts as she sat up and turned to him. “Spike?” she said seriously.


Spike sat up quickly and mirrored her posture. “Buffy?” he said in a teasing manner, making fun of her stern tone.


“I need to ask you something.” she continued.


“Fire away, kitten.”


“The first time you kissed me…you said it was because of Dru, and I…”


“I was lying, pet.” Spike jumped in, seeing her insecurity and now taking her very seriously.


“Why?” she asked looking for answers.


“Because I didn’t want you to know how I felt about you, so I blamed it on her.” he admitted.


She was quiet for a little while and then she mumbled out, “So you don’t…”


“Miss her?” he asked.


Buffy nodded.


“No.”


“Why not?”


Spike looked annoyed.


“I’m not trying to start anything.” she said to reassure him, “I just want to understand…You were together for a long time, but you didn’t miss her at all after you broke up.” She looked at him with confusion, waiting for him to explain.


“I did miss her.” he confessed, wanting to be honest. He hung his head and continued, “I missed her so much at first that it hurt,” he looked back up at her, “but by the time I moved in with you I’d come to terms with things.” He noticed that Buffy didn’t look satisfied with that answer, “Don’t get me wrong, Buffy, I loved Dru, I did. But we separated for the right reasons. It’s hard to be upset over that. The love had gone. If it was still there maybe I would miss her more, but it isn’t.”


“How can you just stop loving someone like that?”


“I…I don’t know.” he said casually, not really wanting to talk about this. It wasn’t because he had a problem with it; he was just worried about how Buffy was going to feel afterwards. The Ex-story was never an easy thing for a girl to listen to. She obviously wanted to know what he had to say, but wanting to know something and actually knowing it were two different things. “I guess we probably thought we loved each other more than we actually did…” He paused, then confessed gently, “No, that’s not true.” The question stumped him for a while, as did how best to answer her. He didn’t want to upset her, but he didn’t want to lie either. After a while he continued, “You’re right Buffy, you can’t just stop loving someone if you have those kind of feelings for them, but it’s complicated. There’s stuff you don’t know.”


“Then explain it to me…Please?” she begged.


He sighed. “Sometimes some things happen, and you can’t take them back. Sometimes you mess things up, and you just have to accept it. I accepted I’d messed up and she didn’t love me anymore because of it.”


Buffy stayed silent, he was being cryptic and general and she didn’t know how to react.


“It doesn’t matter, luv. It’s in the past. I’m with you now, okay?” he cupped her cheek and smiled at her, kissed her briefly and then got out of bed to get dressed.


Buffy stayed in bed while he got ready for work, she pulled her pillow from beneath her head to lay it at her side and she hugged it close. She was confused; she felt like he wasn’t telling her something. He’d tried to make her feel better by saying he was with her now and it didn’t matter, but that just left her feeling even stranger. In part his words did comfort her, but they were tainted by her guilt at what they were doing. They weren’t a normal couple, how could they be?


The time they’d had had been so wonderful, she was the happiest she’d ever been, but it wasn’t perfect, because she had to make a continued effort not to think about the little things that could ruin it; their family, friends, anyone who knew them who found out what they were doing. It was fine when they were alone and ignored everyone and everything else, but they couldn’t live like that forever.


She came out to say goodbye, but she felt like a zombie, totally consumed by something she wasn’t fully aware of. Something was niggling at her mind, and wouldn’t let go, and it wasn’t the usual stuff, it was that thought again that he was hiding something. He left, but her worries didn’t, and she couldn’t think of anything else all evening.


When Spike came home Buffy heard the door click. She knew she had to confront him again before she drove herself crazy.


“Hey.” she said coming to stand in the kitchen doorway.


“Hey, kitten.” Spike said softly, almost whispering, “I hope I didn’t wake you.”


“No.” She smiled to reassure him, “I was up.”


Spike shrugged off his jacket and hung it up.


“I erm…”


Spike turned round to her when he heard her speak up, but she faltered anxiously.


“I…brought the mail up from downstairs.” she said gesturing to the table next to him, “There’s some letters for you.”


He smiled briefly at her and went to pick them up.


Buffy became more nervous, not only at the prospect of what she needed to bring up, but she was made even more uncomfortable by Spike’s avoidance. He hadn’t looked at her much since he came in, as if he knew she wanted to talk about this again. In the end Buffy knew her only option would be to just bite the bullet and get it over with, so she did.


“What did you mean you messed up?”


“Huh?” Spike said still going through the mail in his hand.


“This morning, you said you messed up with Dru.”


“Did I?” he said throwing down the letters onto the table and finally looking over at her properly.


“Then you said you understood why Dru couldn’t love you after that.” Buffy said not giving up even though he was obviously trying to dodge the conversation, “What did you mean?”


Spike looked a little lost for words. He wasn’t shocked, he just wasn’t saying anything back to her, and it didn’t look as if he was planning to either.


“Spike?” she pressed.


“Yes, luv?”


“I want you to tell me what happened with you and Dru.” she said bluntly, cards on the table. She was tired of going over the little things on her own, she wanted him to explain what she didn’t understand, and this time she definitely left him lost for words.


“I…”


“Spike, please. I feel like you’re hiding something from me.”


“I’m sorry, kitten. I don’t want to do that.” he said softening up, “It’s just…I don’t want to drag all that Dru stuff into this thing with us.” He walked towards where she was and took her hands, interlocking their fingers. “This is new and fun, and everything’s going so well, I don’t want to taint it by talking about me and Dru. Me and Dru were different, and I don’t know if you’ll understand what happened, and I don’t know how you’ll take it.” He had been looking down at their hands but he suddenly looked up at her and said, “I don’t want to ruin this.”


“Spike…” she sighed turning away from him and removing her hands from his. “I feel like I’m lost here, you say stuff about relationships and love and you think I don’t understand…And maybe I don’t, maybe I’m finding this really hard, being in a relationship with you, but you aren’t helping me out by hiding things from me.” She didn’t turn back to him; instead she sat down at the kitchen table. “I’m new at all this, but one thing I know is that we need to be honest with each other. I don’t need to know everything about your past; it’s up to you what we share, but this is different. This isn’t something you just aren’t saying, this is something you’re purposely keeping from me.”


“I want to share everything, Buffy. I really do.” he said sitting down at the table as well.


“Then please talk to me.”


She looked into his eyes with a desperation that hurt him, but he stayed silent, unmoving. He knew she was upset, he knew she wanted answers, even more than that she wanted to know that he would give her those answers, and that she could trust him, but he didn’t want to talk about this. He was too afraid to be honest about this.


Buffy was extremely hurt by his unwillingness to let her in, and his obvious deception. She couldn’t stand that he’d admitted he’d been keeping this from her, and she felt stupid that she’d practically begged him to tell her and he’d still refused.


“Fine.” she cried out, standing up, not knowing how to deal with her frustration, “If you want to keep secrets then that’s fine!”


As she walked away his hand reached out and grabbed her. She swung back around and he finally said something.


“I cheated on her.”


Buffy was stunned. “You what?”


Now I watch as tables turn…

Never seen you act so shallow, or look so brown.
Remembered all the things you’d say,
How your promises went hollow,
As you threw me to the ground…


“I cheated on her.” he said honestly.


“You what?” Buffy managed to gasp out.


“I…I cheated on her. It was a mistake…I just…”


“A mistake?” Buffy huffed, “That’s suppose to make it okay then?”


“No! God Buffy, no.” he said coming towards her with pleading eyes. He grabbed her by the shoulders, a little roughly, and startled her. He was obviously desperate for her to listen to him and so she did. She struggled a bit and eventually he got the message that he was hurting her, so he let go and took a few steps back. She didn’t say anything, but she didn’t leave, so Spike assumed she’d decided to hear him out.


“I had this friend called Anya, crazy chick she was, and she was engaged to this guy Xander that me and Dru both knew from college. I never liked him, but Anya was cool. She was a bit weird, but she spoke her mind, you know?…She would say what she wanted to, and I liked that about her…I mean, it’s rare you find someone who isn’t scared to…”


“Spike?” Buffy interrupted.


“Yeah?”


“Get on with it please.”


He hesitated; he really didn’t want to do this. He was already upsetting her. What would happen when he got to the meat of it? Then he realised he had no choice, Buffy would never let this go, so he might as well rip off the band aid as it were. “Well, me and Dru went to her and Xander’s wedding…trouble is Xander didn’t.”


“He stood her up?”


“At the altar…And she was heart broken.” He looked up, but Buffy’s face was blank so he continued, “Anyway, few days later I was at this bar looking for something to do, because Dru was out of town, and I saw her, so we had a couple of drinks and talked about how much of a whelp this Xander was. We had way, WAY too much to drink, and so I got her a cab and took her home, and she asked me inside and then…”


“I can fill in the blanks, Spike. Skip it.” she said more than a little annoyed.


He noted her jealousy and continued. “Well a few days later I went back round to hers to talk to her about it and…”


“You didn’t tell Dru?”


“Not then no, I thought…I don’t know…” he sighed deciding to give her the honesty he couldn’t give Dru. “I suppose I thought I could get away with it.” He heard Buffy huff again. He swore if she did that one more time.


Buffy turned away. “Typical guy. Only thinking about himself.”


“I didn’t want to lose her and…” Buffy eventually turned back to him, but he could see now that she was very angry. “I told her eventually, okay?” he said moving towards her once again, but she moved back and he became resigned to the fact the he’d have to continue before he earned the right to any proximity.


“So why did you tell her in the end then, if you’d decided not to?”


“Because…” he paused. This was it. She was going to go mad when she found out, and he didn’t know what he could say in his defence. This was the final nail in the coffin. “Because when I went back to talk to her…it happened again.”


Buffy could see the guilt written all over his face, but she didn’t care for his guilt. “That’s it? That’s really why you broke up? Because you just can’t keep your dick in your pants?!” she screamed.


“Buffy…”


“No, don’t say anything to me!” she shouted. “I can’t believe this. I can’t believe you didn’t tell me this!”


“I didn’t have to tell you, Buffy.”


“What?” she spat out in disbelief.


“This is between me and Dru, and she’s forgiven me. That’s why we met up last month, so she could tell me that she’d forgiven me.”


She just stared at him not knowing what to say to that.


“I’m just saying I didn’t have to tell you, but I told you because I don’t want to keep things from you, like I did with her. I don’t want to mess this up. I want to always be honest with you.” he confessed, pouring his heart out.


Buffy was in a rage, his pleas for understanding falling on deaf ears. “How can I trust you, or anything you say, after I find out all you’ve done in the past is lie?” She paused, she was angry, confused. Her thoughts were muddled, she was hurt and she didn’t fully understand why. She shocked him when she finally asked, “Is that what it is with me?”


Spike blinked in confusion, and he was hurt at what she was implying. What did she think he was?


When he didn’t answer she pressed more firmly. “Are you sleeping with me, just because you can’t control yourself?” He still didn’t say anything. “Tell me!” she yelled, “Am I just convenient, like Anya was when Dru wasn’t there?...Admit it, you weren’t at that bar looking for something to do while Dru was away. You were looking for someone to do!...Do I have to worry about the nights you’re out, or I’m away, or working?”


“No, Buffy.” he said rushing over to her and trying to grab her hands or her waist, but she didn’t want to let him touch her right now. “It’s not like that at all. I can’t keep away from you. I’ve tried, but I’m so attracted to you. I can’t help myself, but I swear that’s not all it is. I feel so much for you, more than I ever did for Dru…I wish I could show you how much I…” He suddenly trailed off and then abruptly trapped her in a fierce kiss.


Buffy pulled back straight away and slapped him harshly, and she could tell immediately that he was angry at her now, but she didn’t care, because she was just as angry. He didn’t turn his head back to her for a long time, when he did she slapped him again, and this time she saw blood at the corner of his mouth. He lifted his head up, but not to look at her and he licked the blood away.


When I dream, I dream of your lips, when I dream, I dream of your kiss, when I dream, I dream of your fists…


Neither of them spoke for a long time, but neither of them was getting any calmer. Buffy was infuriated, her breathing harsh, and Spike was blinded by the stinging pain in his cheek.


“You men, you’re all the same.” she spat out under her breath.


He didn’t know what was wrong with him, but his emotions were calling the shots. He was hurt by Buffy’s rejection of him, and her unwillingness to see beyond his past actions; he was angry from her assault, and he was filled with adrenaline from the slap and the blood he could taste in his mouth. All the emotions were confusing, but they all made him strive for one thing. He wanted to hurt the girl. Like she’d hurt him.


“Huh.” he laughed out harshly, “How would you know? I’m the only man you’ve ever had.”


Buffy frowned, taking a step back only for him to take another forward to close the space again.


“Is that what’s really bothering you?” he asked, knowing he was wrong, but trying to bait her. “You’re angry ‘cause you found out I’d been with more people than you thought?”


“No.” she said, “I always knew what you were like.”


Normally he would have defended himself, but he was too mad at her. He wanted to say nasty things to her, he wanted to hurt her, embarrass her. Instead of trying to prove that he was a good man, he did the exact opposite. “You should be glad I’ve been with so many women, Buffy. It’s the reason I can give it to you so good.” he said snidely.


“How do I know you’re any good?” Buffy offered, “After all, like you said, you’re the only man I’ve ever had.”


“The only man you’re ever going to have.” he corrected her.


“We’ll see about that.” she snapped turning around to storm out.


He grabbed her wrist so violently that she whimpered, then he yanked her back to him. With that he forced her against the wall and was kissing her so harshly she couldn’t breathe, or think. He started grabbing at her skirt, trying to pull it up. She was trying to fight him off, trying to push his body away, trying to pull his head away, trying to put her skirt back down and move his hands all at the same time, and she couldn’t fight him off fast enough.


His hands crept beneath her skirt and pushed her panties aside and then his fingers were inside her. She cried out, and he lifted her up, hooking her legs around his waist. He began to finger her at a slow but unforgiving pace, pushing her to that place, showing her what he could do for her, why he was the only one for her.


When I dream, I dream of your lips, when I dream, I dream of your kiss…


“Please.” He heard her say when he released her lips.


“Please what, baby?” he asked panting into her shoulder. He was fucking drunk on her again, it was those sodding noises she made. They were magical.


“Don’t.” she gasped, as his fingers continued their sweet torture to a faster rhythm.


“Don’t?” he questioned her meaning, at the same time reaching to brush over her clit roughly with his thumb.


“Ah!” she screamed shocked.


“Do you really want me to stop, Buffy?” he said pushing his fingers in very slowly, searching for that spot inside her. He found it, rubbed it gently, and she grabbed hold of his arms in desperation. “Do you want me to stop, when you know I can take you higher…make you see stars…baby. Do you?” She still didn’t answer him, she had her eyes closed, so he withdrew his fingers and tilted her head up, which made her open her eyes and look at him. “Do you want me to stop?” he whispered seriously.


She shook her head, and he took her where he promised to, and she saw stars.


Afterwards she sat on the floor, up against the same wall where it had happened, her head in her hands, tears down her face. She felt betrayed by her own body. She had wanted him to stop, but she couldn’t refuse him in the end, and as much as she hated him for exploiting that fact, she hated herself more for being that way in the first place, for being so weak. Why couldn’t she have been strong and said ‘No’? She felt wrong inside, and so did he. And that’s when it hit him. They were brother and sister. Maybe he had been wrong? They were. And they couldn’t escape it.


Keep this scene inside your head…
As the bruises turn to yellow, and the swelling goes down…

As your skin starts a scratchin’,
Wave yesterday’s actions goodbye…


Spike felt fine when he first woke up. It’d taken him ages to get to sleep, so once he had he was out like a light. Completely rested and comfortable in his bed he slowly opened his eyes. And immediately wished he hadn’t.


As the light hit his eyes, the world intruded on his peace and he suddenly realised Buffy wasn’t with him, and then he remembered everything that had happened the night before.


Everything.


He remembered arguing with Buffy, and that was enough to turn his stomach, but then the memories continued, he remembered forcing himself on her. Remembered how ruthless he was, how savage, how primal. He’d wanted her to be his, to yield to him and she had, and after she’d sunk to the floor, as if he’d broken her.


Spike screwed his eyes closed again, trying to shut everything out, but it didn’t work. The look she gave him afterwards haunted him. He couldn’t bare the thought of seeing that look again. In that instant he remembered what he had decided last night. The reason aside from what he had done that had kept him from sleep for so long. He’d decided to leave.


He had to. Not only would Buffy be better off, but she wouldn’t want to see him after that, and he definitely couldn’t face her.


He got straight out of bed and began to pack, because he wanted to be gone before she woke up. Partly so she didn’t have to face seeing him, but mostly because he was too afraid to tell her he was leaving. He knew he wouldn’t have time to pack everything, so he planned on leaving some stuff and coming back for it another time. Preferably when she wasn’t home.


He still couldn’t believe it, she’d got him so angry and then that had happened. He didn’t know he was capable of such anger, or such feeling. That was the root of it all, his feelings for Buffy. They’d scared him before, but because of the situation they were in, now it was their intensity that scared him. He knew he could go caveman when it came to the women in his life, but previously it had always been in a good way. He’d never been like this before, so possessive. He’d never let anyone get under his skin so much, never been hurt by someone so badly, never been so angry with someone and at the same time so scared to lose them.


He was 100% sure this was the right decision for Buffy, because she’d never want him now and he was also a danger to her this way; he could never be good for her like this. But now he was also sure it was the right thing for him. He needed time to sort these feelings out. To learn how to control them, possible to make them go away.


He opened his wardrobe and just started ripping his clothes from the hangers. He tried to be quiet, but he was also trying to be as quick as possible. Next he went to his drawers and tipped each out straight into a suitcase.


After he’d filled two suitcases with his clothes he got ready and went into the hallway with them. He knew he could replace all the stuff he had in the bathroom, and he could get by without his music and his other belongings for a while.


He placed the suitcases outside the front door into the shared hallway, and then came back inside the apartment and took a piece of paper and a pen out of the desk in the main room. He started to write. He didn’t know if his thoughts were making sense, but he had to write what he felt before he left. He had to make her understand why he was leaving.


When he was finished he folded the letter and put it in an envelope. He walked to the door and then turned around one last time.


He threw down the note and it landed on the hall table next to the phone. His gut twisted when he imagined her reading it. He hung his head for a while trying to pull himself together, and then finally looked up. His gaze landed right in the large mirror that was above the table. He looked at himself for a few seconds, but that was all he could manage, and with that he was finally content that he was doing the right thing. He couldn’t even look at himself, so how could he ever expect Buffy to.


Staring back from the mirror’s a face that you don’t recognise…


Buffy woke up around mid-day and desperately tried not to remember what had happened, but she couldn’t think of anything else. She considered staying in her room all day, locking herself in, but she was still angry at herself for being weak and giving in to him yesterday, she didn’t want to be weak again. She got up and wondered into the living room cautiously. Spike was nowhere to be seen and she sighed in relief. That was until she saw a note on the side. She automatically knew what it said without having to read it, and ran to Spike’s room.


She found what she expected, almost nothing. The wardrobe door was flung open and she could tell it was empty, his draws were open and empty as well, but the bed was made and the rest of his stuff was there as if he hadn’t gone anywhere. She knew he had.


In the cold light of morning…


She felt a little numb, a little catatonic. She walked back into the room, took the note off the side and sat down on the couch to read it.


Buffy,

I’m sorry for…everything.

I can’t begin to tell you how sorry I am. What happened last night, I want you to know, that wasn’t who I am, but I understand if you can’t believe me, because all I’ve been to you is bad news. I’m sorry for fucking up your life. All I wanted to do was make up for all that time we lost, and I had all these feelings for you that I couldn’t place, because we hadn’t been brother and sister for so long I tried to find another way to be with you, and I’m sorry that I got it wrong.

Don’t misunderstand me Buffy. I’m not saying that what I felt feel for you was just misplaced affection, that’s not it at all. I have very strong feelings for you, more than a brother should have, and I just don’t know how to control them anymore. I know its wrong to feel this way, and all it’s doing is hurting you and messing things up, so I decided it would be better for me to leave, and try and sort myself out. I’ll come back for my stuff next week. Don’t worry I know when you’ve got classes, so I’ll just come when you’re not in. I don’t expect you’ll want to see me again, at least for a while.

I hope that after some time has passed you can forgive me, and I can forgive myself, and that I won’t feel this way anymore, even though it’s hard to wish that when I feel so strongly for you. All I want to do is be with you, and be there for you, but I don’t think it can be like this. Hopefully one day I can be the person you deserve. the brother that you deserve.

Luv Spike


Buffy hadn’t even realised she was crying until she saw that the last line was blurry, and she had to wipe her eyes to read his name.


In the cold…light.

Spike was sat at some bar nursing a glass of whiskey. He’d never been here before, and he knew why. It was a complete dive; the men were all sleazy and the women were all loose. And the latter was the exact reason he was here tonight.


He was going to get Buffy out of his system right now, and if he couldn’t he was going to drink so bloody much that he wouldn’t even remember her name.


Such imagination seems to help the feeling slide.


He’d been talking to some bimbo for the last 10minutes, had no clue what she was saying, but caught that her name was Harmony something.


“I just love that film…I mean Antonio Banderas is just soooo sexy. Don’t you think?”


“Wouldn’t know about that, luv.” he said looking for the nearest exit. When he found it he didn’t even look back to her, he just asked, “You wanna get out of here?” and before she had even answered he’d stood up determined he was leaving, and preferably not alone.


He was bored of this place, and he wanted to start on his ‘Erase Buffy’ plan as soon as possible; hopefully erasing his actions from the other night along with her.


“Okay.” she said a little confused by his sudden eagerness, even she could tell he hadn’t been that interested in her most of the night.


He still wasn’t looking at her when he grabbed her hand and pulled her towards the exit. He was dragging her along so fast that a few times she crashed into him when he was forced to suddenly stop and let someone cross in front.


Eventually he manoeuvred them through the bar and outside. That’s when he faced her, and with his eyes firmly shut he kissed her hard.


She mewled into his mouth and at first it actually felt good and he pulled her tight against him when he felt himself becoming aroused.


Instant correlation sucks and breeds a pack of lies.


When they found themselves in an alleyway behind the club Spike was suddenly pushed against the wall. Normally he’d say something about that, but he didn’t care right now. This was just happening, and he was just going to let it. Like he was a passenger of life, along for the ride. He looked up at the sky, wishing like hell he was somewhere else, with. someone else. He hadn’t even noticed the girl had gone anywhere until he felt a jerk of his jeans.


He looked down and found her on her knees level with his dick, slowly pulling down the zipper with her practically inch-long, manicured French nails scraping against the denim. She was gazing up at him confidently like she had something over him.


Something about her smile made his stomach twist. It made him feel like he had picked up a hooker. But then again hadn’t that been the reason that he’d gone to that place? To get a girl like her? Once again he’d set out to achieve something, accomplished it, and then wanted to take it all back, like the other night when he wanted to get back at Buffy.


This wasn’t him. This wasn’t right. It felt dirty and wrong, and when she went to reach inside his pants he gently grabbed her hands and stopped her.


I’m unclean, a libertine.


Buffy got back to the apartment late that night, like she did most nights since Spike had left. The place felt so empty, and even though Buffy had been fine before Spike got here, now there seemed something missing, and she didn’t like to think about that, so she went anywhere she could to avoid coming home. Today she’d been to the library, but she hadn’t really achieved anything, she couldn’t concentrate enough to do any work.


Coming in, her eyes were drawn to the phone, but no messages had been left for her. She briefly reached out for the handset then hesitated. She went into the kitchen, poured herself some water, drank it, and slammed the glass down on the counter when she was done. The sound vibrated in the air and something inside Buffy snapped and she suddenly had to blink away tears. She was leant against the sink with her arms outstretched and her head hanging down, and through her tears she could see the fading bruise on her wrist. The mark that reminded her how weak she was. His mark. And seeing it made her take a deep breath, stand up, and wipe away her tears.


When she had reached for the phone on her way in she had been thinking of calling him, but she knew she couldn’t. She didn’t have anything to say. She couldn’t say ‘I miss you’ because that was pathetic, and he didn’t deserve to know that. She couldn’t say ‘I hate you’ because that wouldn’t solve anything, and more importantly it wasn’t true. And she definitely couldn’t say ‘Come home’ because even though she wanted him too, she really wasn’t ready.


She was mad; she was upset; she was confused. She didn’t want to ever speak to him again, but at the same time she wanted to know why he hadn’t called her. She wanted to know if he was okay, and if he missed her. All the things she didn’t know, they where the things that were killing her. Did he not want to talk to her anymore? Did he not even care? Had they pushed each other too far this time to ever be able to be together again in any real way?


You’re slipping slowly from my reach…


The sound of ringing in the hallway brought her back from her thoughts. Not really thinking anymore she walked straight back into the hall to pick it up, and then panicked. For a moment she considered turning it off, ignoring the call and hiding away, but instead she answered it and held her breath.


“Hey Buffy!” Willow’s cheery voice called across the line.


Buffy sighed. “Wills, hey.” She walked down the hall and opened the door to her bedroom.


“You okay, Buffy?” Willow asked, automatically sensing that something was wrong from Buffy’s tone. She pressed on, “You don’t sound so much with the happy.”


“I’m…” Buffy paused, swallowing her lie of ‘I’m fine.’ This was Willow, who she’d know since she was 12, she couldn’t lie to her. She’d see right through anything she made up, so she couldn’t lie, and also she didn’t really want to. “Oh, Will. I’m…I’m not…Oh God. Everything’s such a mess!” She sat dejectedly on the end of her bed, hanging her head and awaiting the inevitable question that was to follow.


“Buffy, what’s wrong?”


She laughed a little, “I wouldn’t know where to begin. I really wouldn’t.”


“Buffy.” Willow said sternly, or at least as sternly as Willow could be. “This is me. Willow. You can tell me anything.”


With a deep breath and a lot of courage Buffy began to tell Willow the whole sordid story. Willow didn’t say much, she just listened, and to be honest that’s all Buffy had expected or wanted from her at the time.


When she was finished though she was suddenly not okay with Willow’s silence. Buffy was a complete mess, telling her best friend all that was like reliving it all over again. She hadn’t told her what happened the night before Spike left, only that they had argued. It was too painful to speak about, and at the same time she didn’t think it mattered enough to mention. At least it only mattered to her, and Willow not having been through it, could not have understood how traumatic it all was. On top of all this Buffy’s heart was now racing. She knew it was a lot to process, but the longer Willow took to say anything the more nervous Buffy got about her reaction.


She couldn’t have been more relieved when Willow offered to fly to New York to see her. She hadn’t judged her or voiced an opinion; she was only concerned with how Buffy was coping.


Of course Buffy said it wasn’t necessary, but Willow put her foot down and insisted that she would come next week when she had time off college and stay for as long as her break was. Buffy felt calm for the first time in as long as she could remember. She also felt like she wasn’t on her own in this anymore.


After a while Buffy and Willow said their goodbyes and hung up their phones. But as soon as Buffy put the receiver down on her nightstand she felt utterly alone once more.


You grow me like an evergreen. You’ve never seen the lonely me at all.


Harmony was long gone, but Spike hadn’t left. He was still stood in the alleyway, unable to move, not really knowing what to do with himself. Should he go home? Or go see Buffy? Or go throw himself off a bridge? He didn’t know what he was doing. He couldn’t think straight.


No longer being able to stand he slid down the brick.


I…fall…


Buffy couldn’t keep it in. She let out a sob, and then sank face down onto her bed. Crying into her pillow, letting it soak up her tears.


Without you, I’m nothing…


Spike laid his head on the wall behind him, his eyes fell shut.


Without you, I’m nothing at all.

Alcoholic kind of mood.


Oz opened the door to his apartment; straight away he could smell the smoke. It wasn’t thick, or overwhelming, but it was there, subtly. It drifted like a fog into every nook and cranny, rolling over the surfaces and trying to escape into the hallway behind him. But there was something else now that he could detect amongst the smoke, a musky stale smell, as if this place was very lived in. That had never been the case in all the time Oz had been here. Until about 10 days ago, when it had become what he found every evening as he came home.


He didn’t completely mind, after all he was hardly ever here. It was the reason he put up with it. This had never really been a home to him; he was either at work or practice most of the time. Even now, at this time of night he was only coming by to pick up his guitar, and then he was gone again. The thing he didn’t understand was how the guy currently sprawled across his couch could stand it here all day, even if he was the cause of it.


Oz pulled the strap of his bag off his shoulder and threw it over a chair in the kitchen. He took a deep breath, something he immediately regretted and then stepped towards the living room. His old college friend Spike was asleep in there, and the area around him and couch was littered with empty bottles. None of them encroached into the main part of the room, but covered every inch of the space near to him like a comfort blanket.


Tackling the obstacle course Oz made his way to the side of the sofa and crouched in front of Spike, he couldn’t help but smirk. It was a laugh or cry situation. Reaching out he shook Spike’s shoulder a little. “Spike, man. Wake up.”


Spike stirred, then Oz shook him slightly again. “What?” He was talking in his sleep, but Oz knew he was in the process of waking up so shook him once more, “Leave me alone. It’s Saturday…and it’s early.” He snuggled into the pillow under his head, one which had been squashed flat under his weight the last few days.


“Its 11 o’clock, Thursday night, Spike.”


“What?” Spike’s eyes popped open and he tried to sit up, having second thoughts he merely propped himself up on his elbow and made eye contact with Oz for the first time in the conversation, “Are you sure?”


Oz tried to hold back his smile, “I’m pretty sure, unless the calendar company’s are all in on the conspiracy.”


Spike was running a hand over his forehead and eyes, it hurt his entire head to sit up, or even think. When he heard Oz’s sarcastic ramble his only response was a quick glance back to him and a confused, “Huh?”


In answer Oz simply said, “It’s Thursday night, trust me.”


Spike groaned, rolled onto his stomach and laid his forehead down on the arm of the couch in front of him. “Bloody hell. I’m fired aren’t I?”


“Pretty much…Unless bartenders can work from home?”


“Even if they could,” Spike said, his voice muffled, “I never ran it by my boss before I tried out the idea.”


“Bummer.” Oz paused, waiting for Spike to come round properly before he broached the subject he wanted to.


Spike groaned again, “Oh God.” he said pushing his face further into the pillow, “my head.”


Oz looked back down at the bottles surrounding him, picking one up he looked at the label, reading ‘Jack Daniels’ on it. “Must be all this orange juice you’ve been drinking. I hear Vitamin C can kill brain cells.”


Spike turned his head and looked at Oz with a bewildered expression.


“I saw it on the discovery channel.” he said putting the bottle back down with the others. It clinked against them as he replaced it where it seemed to almost belong.


Spike turned his face away again and moaned, “Just kill me.”


“Can’t help you there, I’m a pacifist.”


“Bollocks.” Spike said rolling over onto his back and running a hand through his hair.


They were both quiet for a while as Spike collected himself. Then Oz decided to get to the point. “Look, Spike. I respect this whole self-destruction thing you’ve got going on…I do, it’s actually very Truly, Madly, Deeply,” Oz took a moment as if reflecting, or as if he’d got lost, and then continued, “but I don’t think its gonna solve anything…outside of making my Aunt Maureen cry.”


Spike looked up at him, annoyed, “What do you suggest I do, mate? Don’t feel much like anything else right now.”


“Why don’t you come with me to band practice?” Oz suggested hopefully.


“Why?”


“Because I’ve been trying to get you to join the band since I met you the first day of college.”


Spike huffed out a laugh, and then forced a dejected, “Me?”


“Look I’ve never seen you like this. Even the Dru break up didn’t reach these proportions…” Oz almost raised his voice, but Oz never could shout, “and you guys were inseparable!”


Spike seemed to dwell on that for a bit before Oz continued.


“Not even a Roman Holiday last look after she left, you sorta just accepted it was over…but this Buffy thing, I can tell its different…it’s…”


Spike looked back at him sadly at the mention of her name.


Seeing the pain etched all over Spike’s face, Oz backed up, no longer prepared to finish his sentence the way he planned, he proceeded differently, “…it’s going to pull you down, that’s all I’m saying. It’s obvious she means a lot to you, and if you’re not going to work it out…”


Spike jumped in, “I told you I can’t. It’s not like I have a choice.” he said almost begging Oz to believe him, even thought it didn’t really change anything either way. He sighed, “There’s nothing I can do; it’s for the best.”


“You said, man. And if that’s what you’re saying I believe you.” Oz answered supportively, “But if that’s true I know what’s going to happen. You’re just gonna stay like this, ‘til you waste away. If it can’t be fixed, fix yourself…before it’s too late.”


Oz got up to leave, but then turned back to him. “And I was telling the truth. I wanted you in the band since day one. You’re what we need to get good.”


Spike lifted his head, something like regret in his eyes.


Oz continued, “You can play, you can write, you can sing. I’ve seen you do all 3. I think it’d be good for you, and for us. You’ve always wanted to do music, fix what you can, while you can.”


Spike didn’t say anything; he didn’t really know what to say.


Oz waited for a while and then decided he should just leave it and try again another day. “Anyways, think about it. See you later, man.”


Spike nodded, even though Oz had already turned back around.


He put his head back down and stared up at the ceiling. He heard Oz pick up his guitar and close the door behind him.


What was he doing? Sat here practically decaying…like Oz had said, waiting to waste away? Forcing grog down his throat, and scrounging off one his only friends? Basically using this as a place to hide out while he self-destructed?


A depressed. Sulking. Nancy. Self-involved. Self-pitying. Mess.


Just another nancy boy…


This wasn’t him. He wasn’t this pathetic.


Spike got up, and within no time at all was racing outside and down the stairs to catch up with Oz.


At the main door he closed the gap, grabbing his arm and turning him around. Oz looked surprised as hell, while Spike caught his breath and mustered the courage to say something.


“Oz, when’s your next rehearsal?” Spike asked eventually with his heart in his throat.


Oz paused for a while, and then answered. “As soon as you’ve had a shower.” he said with a smile.

I read about the self,
Said I should get expensive help,
Go fix my head, create some wealth, put my neurosis on the shelf.
But I don’t care for myself.
I don’t care for myself…


She couldn’t believe he was out of her life. It felt so strange.


Sometimes she wondered if it was all just a dream. Because no matter how intense, how wonderful, how painful the whole thing had been, she’d gone back to her old boring routine almost immediately. Forced back into juggling college and work, and coming home to a cold, empty apartment. To go to sleep on her own only so she could wake up and do it all again. Everyday the same. Everyday without him.


Even Willow’s visit had been hard to remember. She’d stayed for a few weeks, but then eventually had to go back to school. She’d promised to come again soon when summer vacation started, she was going to stay for as long as Buffy needed her she said, but right now Buffy didn’t even know what she needed. She didn’t know anything.


She definitely didn’t know how she was supposed to feel, so she hadn’t felt anything. Maybe at first, but now she was trying her best to go along with her suspicions that none of it really happened, and go back to the way her life was before. She wasn’t particularly doing it on purpose; she just couldn’t do anything but.


Its part of what she hated so much about this. She wasn’t in control.


He’d come and gotten all his stuff while she wasn’t in, just like he’d promised. Even though she knew she couldn’t have faced him, part of her had thought about staying home all week, but she knew how pathetic it would be not to leave her apartment for a whole 7 days just so she could see him again. Also it was too late in the year to be missing important classes at college, and she had to go to work to pay the bills. She thought at the time that she was going to struggle with the bills like before, now that Spike was gone.


That was until she saw another note from him.


I’m Finished.
This is for you kitten.
Luv Spike.


Underneath it was enough money to cover all the bills for the next two months.


She’d thrown out the note, before she could linger on how close his words of “I’m finished” were to “We’re finished.”


She’d felt helpless. He was leaving, and even though she didn’t know what was for the best anymore, she couldn’t stop him. He was hiding away from her, making her decisions, their decisions, for her. But she had to stop being angry at him for taking all her power away from her. She had to get it back for herself.


Even though he’d left her money, it wasn’t going to last forever, and soon she’d be back in her old situation with the same old problems. She needed to work. That’s what she repeated to herself everyday at this stupid diner, as she washed the grease off the plates, and the coffee stains off the cups. It’s what she repeated when the late night customers came in, groups of guys who in her opinion shouldn’t be let around the general public, never mind women.


Taking what felt like her millionth order of the night, even though business as usual was slow, Buffy ground her teeth together waiting for the particular group of guys in front of her to stop fooling around. After they were done, with a smile she told them how long their wait would be and walked back to the counter.


“What’s up, B?!”


“God!” Buffy cried turning around, her mind had been wandering again and she was almost shocked out of her skin. She relaxed when she saw Faith about to sit down across from her. “You scared the life out of me.”


“Is that possible for someone who doesn’t have a life?”


Buffy looked up sadly, and Faith immediately regretted her choice of words. Tough love had been a bit too tough for this girl.


“I’m sorry, B.” she said honestly, “but I just want to shake you out of whatever dark fucking cloud you’re under.”


“Faith…” Buffy started to interrupt her, but Faith was having none of it.


“B.” she said firmly. “He’s a guy. Ergo, he’s not worth it.”


And for the first time in a long time Buffy didn’t come to his defence. She didn’t agree either, she just kept silent and waited for Faith to get to the reason she was paying this late night visit to somewhere she usually wouldn’t be seen dead in. With a girl like Faith if you give them the stage they have to take the mike eventually.


“I know you’re hurting, and I can’t lie and say I understand, because I don’t. The worst a guy’s ever given me’s unwanted attention, never been in love, so never been heartbroken. But you gotta pull yourself out of this, B.”


Buffy took a long sigh, “I know Faith, but it’s not that…”


“Excuse me?” said a male voice.


Buffy looked up and saw a fair haired guy at the other end of the counter. She held up her finger telling Faith she’s be back in 1 minute and moved to stand opposite the guy.


“What can I do for you?” Buffy said forcing a smile.


“Erm…yeah. I was just wanting the bill...I’ve just had a black coffee.”


“Oh, ok.” Buffy said going over to the register and pressing a few buttons to put through the coffee. She came back and told him how much he owed. “You could have just shouted me over you know.”


The guy reached into his jacket trying to find his wallet, “You were talking to your friend…I didn’t want to be rude and interrupt.” he said still searching.


“Well you sort of did anyway.” she said under her breath.


“Oh,” he said a little surprised, “Sorry.”


Her eyes widened at the realisation of what she’d just let slip out. “Oh no, God I’m sorry.” she said stuttering, “That was so not what I meant to say…I mean…I…I shouldn’t talk to customers like that, I’m sorry…I’m just…please don’t tell my manager.”


The guy laughed. He just out right laughed.


Even though it was obviously not directed at her Buffy felt a bit embarrassed.


Eventually he smiled and explained himself, “I’m not going to tell anyone.”


“Thanks.” she said, suddenly feeling very uncomfortable.


“Look,” the guy said, “My name’s Riley.”


“Buffy.” she said looking down at her name tag and then back up at him.


“Of course.” he paused, “It’s a nice name.”


“Thanks.”


Buffy quickly looked over at where Faith was sat, she was staring at them both intensely, and when she noticed Buffy had caught her she tried to hide her grin. Buffy heard Riley start to say something and turned back.


“Would you…this is gonna sound weird, considering I don’t know you…but would you like to go out sometime?”


“What?” Buffy asked, not really together enough to understand.


“Well it’s just that…I know you don’t know me, but I had to ask…I don’t remember the last time I met someone so cute.”


Buffy looked dumbfounded, and then blushed.


“So do you wanna?” he asked when she didn’t give him an answer.


“Yes, she does.” Faith jumped in.


Riley looked at the brunette with confusion, and then hopefully at Buffy who still looked slightly stunned.


She glanced at Faith and Faith narrowed her eyes as if to persuade her to answer him. Buffy looked back at Riley and just nodded meekly, unable to form words.


“Great, how about tomorrow.”


Buffy looked even more shocked and Riley couldn’t help but give another little laugh. “Okay, okay. Too soon. Next week maybe?”


Buffy paused, biting her lower lip gently and trying to search for a way to let him down gently, but after already agreeing, she knew that wouldn’t be easy. Damn Faith and her ‘looking out for her’ thing. “I dunno…I’m really busy.” she said, trying to sound as apologetic as possible so Faith wouldn’t scold her.


Determined Riley smiled, he could see this was going to be tricky, but he really liked this girl, so he didn’t mind a challenge, and he didn’t mind going out on a limb if there was the slightest chance she’d say yes, so he took out his wallet. “Well, how about we take the pressure off. Here’s my number.” he said pulling out a cream coloured piece of card which had his name embossed on it in black silky letters. He placed it down on the counter and slid it towards her slowly, seeing her eyes float to it and then back to him before continuing, “And you can just call me if you ever find some free time.”


Buffy nodded again, and had to smile. He did seem genuinely nice, nothing like all the pushy guys she usually met. He really had made her feel like there was no pressure. He seemed from the little she could tell from first appearances, just like the kind of guy she’d always wanted to meet. The guy she could imagine taking home to meet her parents. But that was before Spike. She wasn’t the same girl anymore after him, so how could anyone expect her to be after the same kind of guy.


Riley paused for a second and then took out some bills from his wallet, placing them down on the counter where he first placed his card.


He turned to Faith and nodded politely, “See you around.” Then he turned back to Buffy and said, “I really hope you call…But if not, it was really nice to meet you.”


Buffy blushed again and looked down. When she did she saw the card still on her side of the counter and daringly picked it up, slipping it into the front pocket of her apron.


This gave Riley a little hope, and he couldn’t stop the grin spreading across his face as he left the diner.


Buffy took the cash he had left and placed it into the register. For a while there was just silence interrupted only by the bing and crash of the money draw opening and closing. Soon though Faith couldn’t keep her words in.


“Soooo?” Faith beamed excitedly, “You gonna call him?”


Buffy placed her hand over her forehead, feeling suddenly exhausted. “I don’t know.” She huffed.


“Come on, B. What’s the worst that can happen?” Faith turned around as if Riley was still there, and her eyes lingered on the doorway he had left through, “He’s a nice, good looking, well built guy. And he’s not even remotely my type, so you know he’s dependable.”


Buffy huffed a laugh before she could stop herself and Faith caught her smile and returned it to keep it going for as long as possible.


Eventually Faith leaned forward and spoke a little quieter, a little more care in her voice, “If you don’t pull yourself out of this rut, you’re never going to move on.”


Buffy knew she was right, but she also knew one thing Faith didn’t.


I don’t care.

She had to stop thinking about him. She had no clue where he was. She had no idea what he was doing, and she had no way of contacting him.


More importantly, she’d not tried.


It’d been over a month since he’d left the apartment, and it was too late now. She had to stop it all. Before she went mad.


She made her bed…


He was out of her life, where he wanted to be for now. Maybe he was out there somewhere moving on, like he’d said. So maybe it was time for her to do the same. Maybe today was a good idea. But then again maybe not.


Buffy sat on a picnic table in the park, legs hanging over the edge, feet rested on the bench in front of her, waiting for Riley to show up while she listed as many maybe situations as she could. She lived for maybes these days it seemed, as if the whole world was going out if its way to confuse her so she didn’t know up from down. Everything she thought she knew she now had to guess at. Everything she was sure of in her life before was now a maybe.


“Hey.” a warm, soft voice suddenly said, bringing her back out of her thoughts. She looked up and saw Riley’s smile. Like the other night she got the feeling he didn’t often lose or ever have to worry about losing that smile. She envied that kind of a comfort people like him could afford. She said nothing, but stretched her feet off the bench to the floor and hopped down off the picnic table. She still wasn’t sure this was anywhere near a good idea, but she’d given in and called him eventually, after Faith bugged her for a week straight.


~~~~~~~~~~~~


“Hello?”


“Hi.” Buffy said. It came out quite squeaky because of how nervous she was so she paused, took a deep breath, cleared her throat and continued. “Erm…This is Buffy…from the diner.” she said hoping he would remember so she wouldn’t seem an even bigger fool than she already thought she was.


“Hey.” he replied, sounding genuinely pleased.


That however did nothing to settle her.


“I really didn’t think you were gonna call.” he said after a few seconds of silence.


For some reason Buffy felt the need for honestly, “I didn’t think I would either.” Perhaps it was so he’d know how difficult she found this, and how hesitant she was about the whole thing. She hoped if he saw that, he would make things easier on her.


“So you wanna go out sometime?”


She paused and then forced herself to answer; she was becoming tired of how meek she was being. “Yeah, sure.”


They set up a time and place and agreed to see each other there. Even though it was the reason she had called suddenly her stomach twisted, and not in a good way.


~~~~~~~~~~~~


“You wanna grab a drink of something?” he asked her.


“No.” she said trying to smile, “Let’s just stay here.” She turned and sat down again, but this time on the bench, tucking her legs underneath the table and wringing her hands in front of her, as if hoping the blood would suddenly rush back to them and stop the cold freezing her bones.


There was a chill in the air today and it seemed to match Buffy’s feelings perfectly. The park was quiet and peaceful and almost lifeless, and she hated the thought of removing herself from that sort of a bubble and having to do this somewhere noisy and lively, where she would instantly be out of place and her sombreness would be highlighted like a neon sign above her head.


“Okay.” Riley said, not seemingly bothered either way, but noticing her manner. He moved round to the other side of the table and sat at the bench across from her.


“So…” Buffy drawled after a short silence, “What do you wanna to talk about?”


“I don’t know.” Riley said looking away briefly as if looking for inspiration, but in fact he was trying to think of how to explain what he wanted to say. Buffy was obviously nervous, if not uncomfortable about being here at all, and he wasn’t blind, or unsympathetic. He looked back at her and found her staring, waiting for him to tell her what to do. He noticed she looked completely lost, as if she didn’t know where she stood in the world.


He sighed, “I just want to get to know you, that’s all for now.”


Buffy wanted to relax as the pressure of this leading anywhere was slightly lessened, but she felt she couldn’t, because he wanted to know about her. At a time when she didn’t even know if she knew herself that well.


“I don’t know where to start…I…I’m not good at this.” she sounded defeated.


“At what?” he pressed.


All she did was look up at him, and then she looked down and fidgeted.


“Do you want me to tell you about myself first?” he asked, waiting for her honest answer.


She smiled, “Sure.”


And her smile made him relax, and he began talking about himself.


Johnny say’s he’ll live anywhere, when he earns time to.
Mary combs her hair.


Buffy wasn’t really listening too much to what he was saying. He talked about Iowa and his childhood, his future plans to move back there one day; he talked and talked, and although it registered on some level, most of the stuff he said never made it to her long term memory, and she was sure she’d forget it as soon as they left the park. He said that he was in his final year doing sport sciences, which made him a few years older than her, and he talked about how he thought he wanted to go into coaching football, but she still wasn’t ready to tell him about herself, so he talked some more.


She just focused on her hands, occasionally nodding and looking up at him to fool him into thinking she was interested. However she lifted her face to him in genuine interest when he started talking about one of his friends Sam, who worked at a newspaper.


“She’s a journalist?” Buffy chimed in.


“Yeah.” he said almost laughing in shock at her sudden eagerness to talk.


“That’s what I’m studying to be.” she said, not so much telling him, just saying it. It came out in a strange tone as if she was gently reminding herself of the fact, and he just happened to be there to hear it.


“Really?” Riley beamed, pleased not only that she was finally meeting him halfway, but that he’d actually got her interested in what he was saying. Feeling on to a winner he decided to continue with the subject. “It’s not a huge newspaper, but it gets a good distribution for its size.”


“I know; I buy it all the time.” Buffy paused, and then leaned forward a bit, “So what does she actually do there?” She waited for him to answer, expecting to hear she filed papers or wrote the horoscopes or something.


“She’s working her way up the ladder pretty quickly recently.” Riley said, “In fact she’s being considered for regional editor, so if she got that she’d be managing the journalists writing the local coverage stories, well I don’t know much about that sort of stuff, but that’s how she simplifies it for me. That and she says it’ll be twenty times the work she’s doing now, and only twice the pay.”


Buffy laughed. “Still that’s an impressive title. A few more years and she could be the proper assistant editor. How old is she?”


“She’s a few years older than me, so she’s put her time in. Just getting what she deserves.”


Buffy nodded. For some reason this stupid story about some girl she’d never met had made her think about her own future. Each bit of the way she’d put herself in this girl’s shoes, as if all this success had happened to her. Like a fantasy, Buffy could almost see what it felt like to accomplish her dreams one day. And it was a damn nice feeling while she was in it, but after it left her slightly bewildered, as if she’d been on a weird trip. This was made clear when she thought she heard him say something completely crazy and out of the blue.


“What?” she said confused.


“I said, do you want me to call her for you? See if she can get you a part time job there?”


So he actually said that?


Mary always edges her bets,
She never knows what to think…

Waiting for the day to end.
Change your taste in men.


“You invited Riley!” Buffy hissed, wanting to full on shout out her annoyance, but at the same time trying to keep her voice down so as not to make a scene.


“Yeah…So?” Faith said reaching forward and taking a sip of her drink. She wasn’t really paying much attention to Buffy, not only because she didn’t understand what she’d done wrong, but also because she was trying to listen to the band that was playing. They were good, just her kind of music, but they were sat around the corner away from the stage. Faith had wanted to go see them properly as soon as she heard them start playing, but Buffy wanted to finish her drink first, then she’d spotted Riley walk past in the distance and ever since had been in interrogation mode. It got to the point where Faith just gave up and admitted he was here because she’d invited him.


“What happened to girls’ night?” Buffy asked, “I thought you just wanted to take me out and cheer me up, just the two of us?”


“I did, B, its just…” she paused, “Look okay, I lied about girl’s night.”


Buffy grabbed her bag from the seat next to her and stood up. She walked swiftly away from the sofas, leaving Faith behind without another word.


“B, wait!” shouted Faith, who got up and was now running after her. She caught up with her eventually and spun her round, “B, I’m sorry. I wanted you to get out of that apartment, and every time I asked you to come to the Bronze you said no.”


“Because this is where he works!” Buffy said, furious at Faith for not understanding why she didn’t want to be here.


“I told you he didn’t work here anymore.” Faith said trying to argue her case, “My friend told me he got fired, but you still wouldn’t come out. I tried for ages, and then you finally said yes.”


“To a girls’ night, Faith. No men and no one else, but you and me!” Buffy felt slightly betrayed, and angry at herself for being so gullible.


“I didn’t mean anything bad by it, B. I really wanted you to meet up with Riley again. I thought if I mentioned him being here before hand you’d be too scared to come, but if you saw him here you could have a good time with him and forget about things.” Faith said, a desperation creeping into her voice as she pleaded with Buffy not to go because of this.


“You shouldn’t have lied to me.” Buffy said bluntly.


“But there’s no harm done.”


“Faith! I was gonna tell him I just wanted to be just friends!” Buffy said, anger renewed at her friend’s ignorance. “Now you’ve done this he’ll think I invited him, and he’ll get the completely wrong idea!”


Faith became frustrated as well, “What the hell, B? Why do you just wanna be friends with him?”


“He’s just not…He’s not the guy for me.”


“This isn’t about him, it’s about Spike.” Faith said abruptly, “Spike’s not coming back. He left Buffy! When are you gonna realise that!”


Buffy felt tears sting her eyes, but she did her best not to let them fall; she tried to stop her lip from quivering, and calmed herself down. She felt her blood boil with anger, not only at Faith, but at everyone who’d given her advice the past few months. She’d finally had enough, “I’m not an idiot, Faith.” she said through clenched teeth, “I know he left; it was ME he left not you!”


Faith kept her mouth shut.


Buffy continued, no longer caring about making a scene, “I realise it every day when I wake up alone. So don’t make me out to be living in a dream world…I live in the real world! And in it I KNOW Riley isn’t right for me. You’re telling me to wake up and I’m already awake; you just don’t see it. I could easily pretend Riley and me could work, but we won’t.” She started to raise her voice more, unable to keep her feelings in check, “Stop pressuring me to go out with everyone that has a pulse! If you and everyone else really cared about me you’d back the hell off!”


With that she stormed off, but as she passed the bar a hand flew out and gently grabbed her arm. “Buffy, you okay?”


She looked up, following the arm that had hold of her all the way up to a familiar face. When she looked up into his eyes Riley let her go and stepped forward into her space.


“Riley, hey.” she said trying to hide her face from him.


“You okay?” he asked his eyebrows narrowing in concern.


“Yeah, I’m fine.”


She forced a smile but he saw right through it, “What’s up?”


Buffy sighed, she was caught out. “Riley look, you’re a really nice guy, but.”


“But?...See I knew something was wrong.” he said still smiling.


Buffy couldn’t believe he was still smiling. She was well aware however that she could still potentially hurt his feelings; she really didn’t want to do that. The other day when they met up things didn’t get off to a great start, but she’d relaxed and they’d talked for ages. She felt bad afterwards, that maybe he’d thought she was more interested in him than she really was. She was even more worried after what Faith had done, inviting him here. She’d come to see that day if nothing else that he was a really sweet, genuine guy, and now she knew that she really didn’t want to lead him on. But she didn’t know how to let people down without them getting hurt; it wasn’t like she’d had too much practice with all this. And her last and only relationship had ended in heartache for both parties.


“Buffy,” he said after she failed to gather the courage to continue, “I think I know what you’re going to say.”


“You do?”


Riley let out a defeated laugh, “Yeah.” He turned around and leant forward against the bar. Buffy mirrored him and waited for him to continue. “I’m not blind, Buffy. I could tell there was something wrong last week; I know you don’t want whatever this is between us. And if it’s not what you want you shouldn’t push it on yourself. I can just tell you’re not ready.”


“That’s what I’ve been trying to tell people,” she mumbled under her breath.


“What?”


“Nothing,” she said, “Just…Riley I think I owe you an explanation. You’re a really nice guy, and I wouldn’t want you to think this has anything to do with you. And no one ever believes that ‘its not you, its me’ thing…so I think I should tell you why, and to be honest I think I want to tell you.”


“You can tell me anything you want, Buffy.” he said, and for once Buffy returned his gentle smile with equal vigour.


She began to tell him everything about Spike; well not absolutely everything. She left out the whole thing about the guy in question being her brother. Although Buffy hadn’t thought of him that way for a long time, she didn’t think Riley would understand that part, and after wailing on Faith she kind of needed a friend. She didn’t want to risk his judgement; after all he was bound to chime in with something regarding her pathetic-ness as it was. Everyone else seemed to have an opinion on it.


“Buffy, can I be honest with you?”


Buffy nodded meekly, a bit afraid and waiting for him to give her the inevitable ‘pull-yourself-together’ speech.


Riley continued, “You don’t have to get over him.”


That shocked the hell out of her. She looked up quickly and saw he was being utterly serious. She must have pulled an amusingly confused face because he suddenly laughed and then continued.


“I mean, not right now. I’m not saying pine after him forever and never move on. I’m not saying all your friends are wrong, but I bet most of them have never been in love…It takes time. It’s supposed to take time. And I think you’re doing really well.”


Buffy took that information in, processed it, and dwelled on it for a long time. Then she smiled before tentatively asking, “So…we’re okay then?”


He laughed again. “I’m not saying I’m happy you’re hung up on someone else. I wish things were different. But I don’t wanna push you.” he said turning around to lean back against the bar instead of over it. He looked across and saw the band start to get ready on stage for their next song. Then he continued “I don’t think you’ll be over him anytime soon, so I’m not gonna say I’ll wait…But if we can be friends, I’d like that. If when you get over him we’re still in a place to…”


Buffy looked at him again and he paused.


He continued carefully, “…then that’s fine…If not, we’ll just be friends, no pressure.”


“You’re a really nice guy, Riley.” she said turning to face the same way as him.


“Thanks.” he said. He smiled at her, then looked back at the stage when the band started to play, “You’re a great girl, Buffy. And he’s an idiot to let you go, whoever he is.”


Buffy didn’t say anything back. She couldn’t; she couldn’t move or even speak.


“Buffy?” When he turned back to her and saw her shocked face eerily fixated on something he became worried; she looked as if she was going to cry. “What is it, Buffy?”


Buffy absentmindedly laid a hand on Riley chest whilst never removing her eyes from the stage. “Spike.” she said staring into the eyes of the man that broke her heart.


Come back to me awhile…

I know, you love the song, but not the singer.
I know, you’ve got me wrapped around your finger.
I know, you want the sin without the sinner.
I know. I know.
I know, the past will catch you up as you run faster…


Buffy was outside, almost bent over double. She felt sick, she felt panicked, and she felt like she had no where to run to.


She stumbled bewildered onto the street outside the club exit, but didn’t think she could walk much further without calming herself down. The cold night air pinched at her cheeks painfully, but her face felt flushed and on fire.


She heard heavy footsteps behind her come to a screeching stop, as if whoever it was had been chasing someone and suddenly found them. Then she realised they’d probably just found her. She’d told Riley she had to go and had ran outside before he had the chance to say anything, so she should have expected him to not listen and follow her out. She turned around to tell him she was okay, and found someone completely different.


Spike was stood there, out of breath and panting. His eyes were just as blue as she remembered; his hair just as blonde. There was something different, but she couldn’t put her finger on it. Maybe he seemed older, or more confident, she didn’t know for sure. Her eyes took him in, she watched his firm chest rise and fall with his laboured breathing, and longed to be pressed against him to give her strength.


Without thinking she ran to him and threw herself into his arms, tears falling down as the relief poured through her. Seeing him up there on the stage, meeting his gaze, she’d panicked, but now she felt like she’d found whatever had been missing from her heart these past weeks. Then her body stiffened with the realisation of her mixed emotions, and she understood she’d been wrong to do what she’d just done. She knew her thoughtlessness would hurt them both in the end.


It felt so right to have her in his arms again, even though he’d been trying to convince himself since he’d left that this sort of thing was wrong. But before Spike knew what was happening she was pulling herself away.


She moved what she thought was a fair distance from him, but both felt it wedge between them like a canyon, and she looked away ashamed of herself. “I’m so sorry, Spike. I shouldn’t have done that.”


“What are you doing here, Buffy?” he gasped out in slight awe.


The fact he’d used her name and not a term of endearment hurt her a little more than she’d like to admit. “I was just here.” she said dumbstruck.


Spike grew annoyed suddenly at her noncommittal response; his emotions were flipping rapidly from one extreme to another. “You must have had a reason.”


“I…”


“Here to mess with my head?” he suggested lightly before she had time to finish.


“No!” she insisted.


“Then why are you here?” he asked.


Buffy was lost for words, his sudden change of demeanour had left her temporarily bewildered.


“To make me jealous?”


“I’m not trying to do anything like that!”


He took a step forward, “Well what the fuck do you call showing up at my gig draped all over some other guy?!” he snapped. His raised voice shocked her a little and he saw it in her eyes, but at that moment in time he didn’t care if he’d scared her. He was too angry about before and how she’d thrown herself at him, only to pull back just when he’d accepted it. It made him wonder what else she would do in order to mess with his head.


She didn’t let the fear stop her from quickly jumping in, “I didn’t know you’d be here! Faith told me you got fired, I was sure I wouldn’t see you here again.” She tried desperately to explain to him she had no hurtful motive, and then added, “And me and Riley didn’t come here together.”


“Like hell you didn’t.” he replied sarcastically.


“We didn’t, Spike!” she cried, finding it astonishing that he thought she was lying to his face.


Spike’s tone turned from angry to cocky, as if he was sure of himself and his suspicions, despite her repeated denials, “Well you seemed awfully friendly with him.”


Buffy paused confused, “Well, we’re friends.”


“Friends my ass.” he accused.


Now she’d had it with him, “Shut up!”


Spike stood there stunned.


“For one I didn’t know this was your fucking gig. Two it is none, I repeat NONE of your business who I go out with, or who I decide to ‘drape’ myself over. You left me remember?” She sucked in a much needed breath after her short rant was over.


“So you admit it!” Spike said not missing a trick, “You were draped all over him!”


“No, I don’t admit anything!”


“Come on,” he drawled, “you were practically ready to jump each other’s bones right there.”


“We were not!” she shrieked.


“Were too!” he shouted, “And while we’re on it, why did you bring him here in the first place?...Was coming here some kind of perverted turn on? Some kind of foreplay?...Check out your old fuck before you have the next?”


“You sick bastard.” she spat back at him.


“Me?” he asked bemused, pointing to himself before pointing towards the club, “I’m not the one that was fornicating with someone in a public place just to get you jealous.”


“Fornicating?” she repeated, taken aback at the implication, “There was no fornication! What the hell where you watching?! All we did was talk. We were barely even stood next to each other.”


“Doesn’t matter.” he said as if he was beyond falsification, “I’m not stupid. I knew what was going on between you two.” He paused, looking at her and finding her shaking her head in disbelief. Still sure she was hiding something he decided to push her again, “Or at least what’d go on later…I could practically see your panties getting wet.”


“Who the fuck do you think you are?!” she said clenching her fist at her side to stop herself from stepping forward and slapping him. She didn’t want to ever strike him again after what happened the last time.


“I don’t know who I am anymore, Buffy!” he yelled desperately, “Don’t you get that?! Don’t you see?” He brought both his hands up to drag his fingers through his hair in frustration, “That’s why I fucking left, isn’t it?!”


Buffy stepped forward aggressively, “I don’t know why you left, Spike. All I found was you gone!”


He opened his mouth to speak, and then hesitated. His voice came out as a regretful sigh, “I left a note.”


Buffy gave him a bitter smirk, “And that made all the difference.”


Spike looked at her with pleading eyes, “What would you have had me do, Buffy?” he asked franticly, “After what I did?” He choked on that sentence as the memory came back, and he had to stop.


Neither of them said anything for a long time as they both stared at one another, but Buffy eventually broke the silence, “Nothings going on with me and Riley. I… We’re…” she trailed off, “I’m not ready for that yet…He respects that. He’s not even waiting round to see if I change my mind, he’s really giving me time, we’re just friends… probably always will be just friends.”


Spike tried not to show his relief, his heart was still beating anxiously fast in his chest. He sighed and whispered, “Why didn’t you just explain it that way before, pet?”


Buffy said the next sentence sadly, and regretfully, “Because it still isn’t any of your business, Spike. That bit was true. I shouldn’t have had to explain anything.”


He looked down at the ground then and nodded.


“Just do me a favour will you?” she whispered, almost ready to cry.


Spike stepped forward and reached out his hand to hold her face, she turned her cheek into his palm. Upon hearing the sadness in her voice his body betrayed him, and all he wanted to do was look after her and do whatever she wanted.


“Anything, pet.” he breathed out, “Anything for you.”


Her emerald eyes became glossy with tears, and she gasped out her wish, “Go back inside.” She closed her eyes, accidentally forcing out a first, single tear that had been resting on her lashes. She begged, “Please.”


“Luv…” he protested, brushing away the tear with his thumb.


“Please,” she said opening her eyes and looking up at him once again, “I don’t want to…Spike, I can’t…” She wanted to say she couldn’t cry in front of him, that she didn’t want to go through all this again, go through the loss and the pain, but more than that, she wanted to have him understand, so that she wouldn’t have to say it at all. And he did, because he felt exactly the same. He nodded, stroked her cheek once more and turned away.


He walked slowly back inside, shoulders tense as if fighting his body’s urge to turn back to her.


When he disappeared into the dark tunnel of the doorway Buffy’s whole world fell apart. Her body felt suddenly pulled downwards by a menacing force and she was racked with sobs.


She turned away.


I know, the past will catch you up as you run faster…


“B!” Faith called from the doorway, “I’m so sorry about…everything.” she said running out onto the street, relieved Buffy was still around so she could apologise. She stopped in her tracks reaching her side when she saw Buffy’s face. “B, what happened?”


She didn’t even turn her head, all she whispered was, “Will you take me home?”


I know.

I’m well aware of how it aches.
And you still won’t let me in…


Buffy entered her building and picked up her mail like every other day. She walked up the stairs and entered her apartment, shutting the door behind her as she sorted through the envelopes in her hand.


But today one of them stood out at her. She saw there was no address on the front, just her name. It must have been from someone in the building, or from someone who had been let into the building. Then she realised who that someone could be. She dropped all the other letters and tore it open.


Buffy pulled out the paper inside and started reading it right there in the doorway.


I know it’s a corny thing to say, but you honestly wouldn’t believe how many versions of this letter I’ve written and thrown away.


She hadn’t heard a word from him since she saw him at the Bronze that night. She’d thought seeing him again would shift something, or change her world in some way, but it hadn’t. Everything had been the same, the same as it always was without him. Until now.


A lot has changed Buffy, and I need to tell you about it. You’ll see why I need to tell you once you’ve read it all. I need to tell you some stuff I’m going to do, and make you understand why. I know you probably don’t want to read this letter, but one thing that hasn’t changed is I’m still a coward, and I couldn’t face you to tell you all of this.


I know I did the wrong thing last time, or maybe I did the right thing in the wrong way. I’ve got some problems I need to fix, and I don’t think you’re happy either. I’m gonna try my best to sort myself out, I thought I was making progress, but now I’m not so sure. I’m going away for a while. I thought you should know. But I want you to know that I’m not leaving you again, it’s not like that.


Please don’t think it’s like that.


I know you saw us last week at the bronze, but I doubt you actually heard much, we’re pretty good, me and the band. I haven’t been with them long, but we’ve gelled together so quickly. They had a lot of half finished songs that I seemed to have the missing parts for, it’s like destiny, and before we knew it we had songs, a set list, and a venue.


I got my old boss to let us play at the Bronze a few times a week, and last week someone came to see us play. And the band might be getting signed! The guy who came to watch us wants to road test us in England!


England she thought. She knew he’d always wanted to go there, see the country his dad was born in. He couldn’t remember all his trips there when he was younger, but apparently him, Giles and his mother had gone twice a year. As he was growing up he confessed to Buffy that he’d purposely let go of those memories, because after his mom died he hated remembering when they were all happy.


These were the things I said I needed to tell you about, because you deserve to hear from me that I’m leaving, and you need to know why, because I would hate it if you only heard half the story and thought I was leaving because of you. Well, in a way I am, but not in the bad sense.


Buffy stopped, What the hell did that mean? She moved over to the couch, sat down and turned the page over.


I’m not leaving to get away from you, or what happened, even though I think that’s still a good idea given where we are. But this does have something to do with you. Being with you showed me I could be better. It also showed me I was far from who I wanted to be, but it made me believe I could be that person eventually, with some hard work, because you made me believe in myself. I admit that when I first left you I didn’t want to do…anything, but I realised what we had must have been for a reason, and I had to learn from my mistakes.


Mistakes?


I want you to know I think of you all the time, and am grateful everyday to you for giving me the strength to follow my dreams. I want this so much, but I’d hate it if you saw this as me leaving you. It isn’t like that.


And it isn’t forever, I’ll be back in a few months, then maybe we can talk? I don’t know if you want that, after the stuff you said at the Bronze it seems I haven’t got a clue what you’re thinking even though I thought I did.


I think I did the right thing in leaving, but I’m so confused.


I know all I seem to do is apologise, but I’m sorry for what happened the other night outside the club, I don’t even know what happened really, and I’m sure you don’t either.


That was for sure.


But I think it was just the shock at seeing you, I want to be around you, and it hurts not to be, but when I’m with you I can’t control myself, the night before I left I proved as much, but its not just that, it was the other night too, saying all those things to you. I was pushing you. I do believe you that there was nothing going on with you and that guy, but you’re right, it’s none of my business even if there was, and I can’t get my head around that.


It just proved to me that I’m still not ready to be in your life, because I have this feeling deep down that you belong to me, and that’s a horrible thing to think.


No its not, she thought, because I do…And you belong to me. She moved onto the second sheet of paper and carried on reading, seeing it was coming to an end.


I don’t know what to think about us anymore Buffy, I thought it would get easier without you, but it’s just got harder. It kills me that I don’t know how you feel about it all, and that doesn’t help my confusion.


Just know that I love you.


Spike.


Buffy sat for a moment catatonic, thinking about his last words, in what way he meant them, and if that really mattered. Then she stood up, went into her bedroom, opened the bottom draw of her desk, turning the key and pulling it out, placed the letter gently inside, and locked it away.


Now I’m breaking down your door…


A week later she got something else from him in her mailbox. She picked it up and turned it over. On the front it just said ‘Buffy’ and she recognised the handwriting from his first letter.


She didn’t want another letter, but as she held it she could feel something solid inside it, it wasn’t just a letter. In fact when she ripped it open she found it wasn’t a letter at all. There was a CD case inside, and on the front was a post-it note that said ‘Play me.’


She walked back up to her flat, heart in her throat.


Entering her apartment she didn’t even check if she’d closed the door behind her properly, she walked straight up to her CD player and put in the CD.


She walked stoically to the couch and sat waiting. Eventually she heard the sound of a piano, and her stomach flipped with each chord. Slowly the song built and then she heard Spike’s voice come in.


“Shine the headlight, straight into my eye.


Like the road kill,


I’m paralysed.”


Buffy didn’t realise it, but she had pulled a cushion onto her lap, and was now hugging it close to her chest.


“You see through my disguise.”


A tear slid down her face.


Before our innocence was lost, you were always one of those,
Blessed with lucky sevens,
And a voice that made me cry.


Buffy hugged the cushion tighter as she let her tears fall. She couldn’t stop them now, and part of her didn’t want to. The song finished and nothing else played, he must have just recorded that one song for her to hear. She lay down on the couch, suddenly not having much strength or will to get up, and she continued to cry.


It was a beautifully bittersweet song. But she wasn’t crying because it was beautiful, or because it was bittersweet. She was crying because she realised it wasn’t a song to make her forgive him, or even a song to make her want to talk to him again. It wasn’t a song he’d written to win her back.


It’s a song to say goodbye.

Run away from all your boredom.


Buffy was leant forward on the counter, head in her hands. Today had to have been the most monotonous day of her entire life. Or at least she hoped it was, because she couldn’t go through that again. She hated this routine; she needed excitement, she needed change.


But she couldn’t afford to change; she was stuck here, she was stuck with this.


She rubbed her brow roughly, hoping to erase the nagging pain that was there, but it didn’t work. The pain wasn’t just from being in this dive all day, serving and taking orders and serving again, walking up and down and to and fro. No, the pain was also an aching reminder, telling her to face up to something she’d forgotten.


She didn’t want to. She wanted everything to go away right now. She couldn’t deal with anything real, she could only just deal with the monotony.


Suddenly the bell on the front door jingled and Buffy tensed, looking up exhaustedly when she remembered she’d forgotten to lock up. She was relieved to see it was only Faith walking through the door and her body relaxed again.


Faith looked quickly at the clock noticing it was past closing, and then gestured to the sign on the door waiting for a response from Buffy.


Buffy nodded thankfully and Faith turned around and changed the sign from open to closed. She also shut the lock behind her and then walked over to where Buffy was standing.


Buffy smiled affectionately at Faith when she got a little closer.


Faith took a seat at the counter and smiled back. “Ready to go?”


“Yeah, just give me 5.” she replied already reaching behind her and untying her apron. Carrying it into the back with her she opened her locker and threw it in.


She paused, turning slightly. Checking herself in the mirror she could see the strain of the day written all over her face. She ran her hands over her cheeks thinking she looked pale and drained of colour. Her hair was scraggy, so she let it down and ran her fingers through it. There were bags under her eyes, which she sighed at; only a goodnight’s sleep could fix them, and she didn’t remember what one of those was.


Staring at herself she felt older than her years, and for a moment she got lost in her reflection and wondered if that’s what the future held for her.


Shaking the feeling off she grabbed her coat from where it was at the back of her locker, pulling the whole thing roughly out by the sleeve. She heard a light tap as something that had been pulled out along with it fell to the floor. Sighing again she reached down and scooped it up. That’s when she realised it was the letter from the newspaper, the one Riley’s friend worked for, the one she got a week ago asking her if she wanted an interview for an assistant’s job, the one she got a day after the CD from Spike.


Buffy stared at the letter, wondering what to do. She’d stuffed it in there hoping she wouldn’t have to deal with it, and now here it was again. Was this what was nagging at her before? Did she really have to answer it now? With everything that was going on? She huffed, not wanting to make a decision, and screwed it up slightly in her frustration.


She threw it behind her onto the table; she was startled when she saw Faith lingering in the doorway.


“Was wondering where you’d got to.” Faith said as if answering a question she hadn't been asked. She eyed the table and then Buffy. “You okay?”


“Never better.” Buffy said with a beaming smile, trying to cover up. She turned back to her locker and grabbed her purse. She was shutting the door and about to lock it closed when she heard Faith move forward and speak.


“B, what’s this?”


Buffy turned to her and saw she had the letter in her hand. “That?...Erm…Its nothing.” she said collecting herself and turning the key. She faced her friend with a smile and walked as if to leave. The last thing she needed was another lecture about how she needed to get a grip, and if Faith saw the date on the letter she’d go crazy.


“Dear Miss Summers. This letter is to inform you of an opening…blah blah…you have been recommended…blah blah…Please contact us if you are seeking an interview for this position…” Faith said reading out various lines of the letter that she could before Buffy grabbed it out of her hand.


“It doesn’t matter, I’m not going.” Buffy said in her defence when Faith looked confused.


“What do you mean you’re not going?” she asked, “Aren’t you at least gonna call them and arrange an interview?”


“I…” Buffy paused and looked down not knowing what to say to her, as she didn’t really know why she wasn’t going to call herself, “It’s just an assistant’s job.”


“Better than being here.” Faith almost laughed, then she took a more serious tone, “It’s at a newspaper!…B, this could be your chance to work your way up to the job you’ve always wanted. This is such a big deal, I don’t under…” She paused suspiciously, finally catching on, “Wait, when did you get this letter?” Faith asked. Buffy was acting oddly. This was something which she would have been jumping for joy at receiving a few months ago, but now she was avoiding it like the plague. There would only be one reason for her to do that.


“What?” She looked back at Faith.


“When?” Faith repeated harshly.


“It doesn’t matter.”


Faith huffed. “I bet I can guess.”


“Faith, give it a rest please?” Buffy whined.


“I’m not having a go B, okay? You were right; I needed to back off when it came to guys, and I have. You need your time. I’m giving you your time, you know why? ‘Cause you’ve got your whole life to meet guys…But this?” she stressed snatching the letter away from her and holding it up, “this is a one-chance deal.”


Buffy took a deep breath, knowing for once she couldn’t tell Faith to shut up, because she was a hundred percent right. This wasn’t Faith saying what she would do or what she would want in Buffy’s situation, this was Faith knowing what Buffy wanted, and knowing she was too afraid to go for it.


Buffy slumped down into the chair nearest to her.


Faith pulled out the one opposite and was quiet for a few minutes while she looked at Buffy, practically seeing her mind ticking over. When Buffy finally looked back at her Faith gave her a soft smile. “B, Look. I know you’re hurt okay, and I know since you ran into him again you’ve been miserable.”


Buffy knew it was true, but it was hard to hear that. For a while she’d gone on as normal, but since the letter and the CD she had been a complete mess, worse than the first time when he’d actually left her.


Faith continued sadly, “And I know there’s not much I can do about it. I hate to see you this way, knowing I can’t help you feel better.” Buffy looked up to say something comforting, but Faith cut her off, “But what I can do is not let your life pass you by, because I don’t want you to find that when your ready to deal with it, it isn’t there to deal with anymore.”


She didn’t know what to say to that, but she knew it was true. She’d hidden the letter away hoping she wouldn’t have to deal with it, not really thinking of the consequences, that the reason she wouldn’t have to was because eventually there’d be no job to apply for. No shot to take.


“You said yourself that he’s moving on, he’s making something of himself.” Faith paused wondering if she should have phrased that differently, but for the first time it looked like she’d gotten through to Buffy, so she finished what she wanted to say, “Don’t you think its time you did the same?”


All it takes is one decision.
A lot of guts, a little vision,
To wave your worries, and cares, goodbye…

Always stays the same, nothing ever changes.
English summer rain seems to last for ages.


Spike was laid in his bunk on the tour bus, his right arm behind his head as he stared up at the sickly, green, carpeted interior on the ceiling above him. It was hot and stuffy and claustrophobic at the best of times, never mind now. The curtains at either side of the bed were drawn, but in his haste the curtain on the window side hadn’t fully reached all the way and he could still see out of it. It was chucking it down with rain and the sky was grey.


He’d been in England long enough he thought; long enough to know he wanted to go home. It really was amazing here, there was almost nothing like it, the country, the people, the gigs, the girls who came at the start of the night with bored looks on their faces, who by the end were left swooning and humming the songs they’d heard. There was almost nothing like it. But he wanted to go home.


He wanted to talk to her, like he’d said he would. To be honest when he’d first written that letter he highly doubted they would actually speak when he got back; he hoped, but he wasn’t fully sure, and he’d wanted to talk about something completely different. He’d wanted to talk about what happened, clear the air and show her he’d changed, and more importantly make her believe him, so that he could be in her life without messing it up. Now he just wanted to tell her the truth, that he wanted to be with her. Now he wanted desperately to hear what she thought, thought about him, about them. Anything really. He just wanted to see her, and hear her voice. And it would kill him if she didn’t want to see him, but he was trying to prepare himself for that possibility as well.


He’d thought a lot about what he wanted to say to her, and a lot more since he’d been lying here just now.


The girl he was holding with his free arm sighed, and he felt her breath blow out cool and steady against his chest. In her sleep she snuggled closer to him. He made no move to return the action, but he didn’t stop holding her. She wasn’t right, but she was all he had. He didn’t want to be alone, and it wasn’t her fault he didn’t want to be with her, so he wasn’t going to kick her out.


They were moving on and he wouldn’t have to see her again, and she knew that when she came back here with him, so why out right reject her? After all she was nice enough…just not...Buffy.


She was like all the other girls on the tour, even though there hadn’t been many. A couple at most, and usually because the guys would egg him on to do it. They were nice girls, and they were keeping him occupied. He didn’t think he was using them, because they all came to his bed knowing they wouldn’t see him again. If anything it was the other way around, he knew most of them came just to say they’d shagged a guy in a band, even if he wasn’t famous and probably never would be. But that made it sound sleazy and meaningless, and it wasn’t exactly that either. At first he’d longed for one of them to be more meaningful, to feel something more than he had with her, and he really tried. Sometimes it came close, but never close enough. There was that word again, enough.


All the time he’d been on tour he’d been thinking about her. That she was the only one who was enough. He thought about how much he still loved her after all this time apart, and how that feeling only got stronger and more powerful no matter what he did. At first he’d wanted it to go away, to make things easier on both of them, and once he got here he thought it would be the perfect opportunity to try to do just that. That’s why at first he’d tried to feel something with these girls, and tried to tell himself over and over that he didn’t love her.


When that didn’t work he’d think of the reasons they couldn’t be together. But all he could think was that most of those obstacles had been overcome.


Spike knew he had issues, and in the weeks leading up to his tour he’d been seeing a counsellor about his anger. He needed to change, he also needed to deal with the things he’d been scared of, and he knew he needed to do that before he saw Buffy again. But he was getting help, and not only that, he was facing up to his career failings, and fixing them. He’d done something with his life, finally he was who he wanted to be, and when he discovered that he knew one other thing, he knew she was the one person he wanted to be with for the rest of his life. Finally finding himself he could truly trust in his feelings, he knew himself, he knew he wasn’t confused. As he lay there thinking this he knew he could never again doubt his feelings. Maybe he and Buffy couldn’t or wouldn’t be together, but he would never again deny that he loved her, he couldn’t do that now.


He also hoped that his letter had forced her to realise she needed to do something with her life too. He really hoped she had, but if she had maybe she’d realised she didn’t love him the way she thought. Even though Spike had found himself and was now sure in his feelings, he couldn’t assume she felt the same.


And that wasn’t the biggest problem. In the eyes of their family, their friends, the people they loved, they were brother and sister…They were committing incest. They’d have to live a lie, or risk becoming outcasts. He thought that maybe just being with her would be enough, that he didn’t need other people, but could he ask the same of her? Could he ask her to risk her whole life…for him? He was afraid, afraid of not being able to have a life with the woman he loved. He’d tried a life without her and no matter what he tried to do, no one else was ever enough. They never would be.


Lying here right now with this girl he knew that.


There was another month of the tour, but this would be the last girl he ever brought back.


Maybe he couldn’t be with Buffy, but he wouldn’t ever settle for less. It was her or no one, forever.


Another thing he knew was he wouldn’t ever know any of the answers to his questions, wouldn’t be able to stop his mind from going over and over these things, until he saw her again.


And he couldn’t see her until the tour was over.


He turned to the window again and watched the rain. He was stuck here, he was stuck with this.


Always stays the same, nothing ever changes.
English summer rain seems to last for ages.

Cue to your face so forsake, crushed by the way that you cry…


As Spike reached to grab his bag from the plane’s overhead compartment all he could think about was Buffy’s face the last time he saw her, the tear that fell down her cheek, the pained look in her eye. The thoughts of her had started about 3 hours ago, he’d managed to sleep most of the flight, but as soon as he’d woke up, checked the time and realised how close they were to landing he got a sick feeling in his gut. It was a mixture of needing to see her so badly it hurt, combined with worrying so much about what she would say when he finally got to tell her how he felt, that he wanted to vomit with nerves.


He leant against the headrest of the chair in front of him as he stood in the aisle waiting to de-board. He wanted to get off this thing, he felt dizzy, he couldn’t breathe. He had to see her now. There was something holding up the line and no one in front of him was moving, he lowered his head onto his outstretched arms. He wanted to crawl in a hole, he didn’t know if he could do this. The coward in him wanted to stay here forever, the man in him wanted to go to her now.


He just wanted to be with her, his body ached for her, but more than that, so did his heart. Ever since he’d left her he had been in pain. In England he’d tried to ease the pain, but that just made him see she was the only thing he needed or cared about. The band’s success on the tour, the travel, the music, the exciting new future that had suddenly been dropped into his lap, none of it meant anything without her. The band had figured that much out even before he had. He’d tried not to ruin it all for them, but they could see he wasn’t happy.


The tour had been extended twice, and each time he’d said yes. He couldn’t let the others down, but his agreement tasted like ash in his mouth and he never stayed long in the room to celebrate or discuss the new dates once they’d been decided. The band got it, they never talked about it all together, but him and Oz would talk about Buffy. Spike would say how all he could think about was going back to New York to see her, whether she accepted him or not, and Oz would agree that he needed to talk to her. Though he feared the outcome and how bad Spike would get if they split a second time, he knew Spike would soon run out of steam without getting some sense of closure, and in the long run that would be more detrimental to everyone, most of all Spike himself. When the tour ended everyone knew they could have gone longer, everyone except Spike. He was tired, he was homesick, he was lovesick.


“Christ.” Spike said under his breath, frustrated and jetlagged already, but even as the words slipped from his mouth, the queue began to move.


You try to break the mould,
before you get too old…


Buffy was just switching off her computer when she looked up and saw she was the only one still there. Every desk was empty, every booth abandoned, even the lights were out and she hadn’t noticed. Buffy laughed to herself, who knew she could get so into working that the time passed too quickly rather than too slow. She swivelled her chair around to pick up her bag and as she began loading files into it from her desk she saw the main door to the office open and a crack of light spill through.


“Buffy?” asked Fred as she came through, “You’re still here? Thought you’d be long gone by now.” The skinny young girl began looking around at the empty room. She then walked across it and around the booths until she got to Buffy’s.


“Yeah, well.” Buffy replied a little embarrassed, pulling a strand of hair behind her ear innocently, “I sort of lost track of time.”


Fred smiled sweetly and then held out a file to Buffy, “This is the photography budget for Sam. I was just going to leave it on your desk, but here.”


“Thanks,” said Buffy taking it from her and putting it in her bag along with the others, “Sam told me she wanted me to go over it rather than the weekend girl if you dropped it off in time, I’ll take it home and email it her tomorrow.”


Fred smiled again, “You’re such an honest person, Buffy. You know you could just have left it for her and said you didn’t see me. You work too hard.”


“What about you?” Buffy defended, instead of explaining that she actually welcomed the work, welcomed anything that passed the time, “You’re still here, and I’m guessing you aren’t going home anytime soon.”


“I wish.” Fred sighed, “You know what they say about assistants.”


Buffy laughed and finished the sentence for her, “First ones to arrive, last ones to leave?”


Their chat was disrupted by a door closing. They both turned to the back of the room and Buffy stood to get a better look.


“Hi, Sam.” Buffy offered nervously seeing her boss stood there exiting a small private office, “I didn’t know you were still here…we…we were just…”


“Don’t worry, Buffy.” Sam chuckled as she turned to lock her door, “I worked my way up the ladder remember? I’ve been in the same position as you, so I can’t say it isn’t true…I don’t envy your job.” she said walking forward. “And I’m glad you’re still here, you do good work, so it benefits us all if you do it for longer,” she whispered the next sentence as if it was a secret they weren’t supposed to know, “Makes my job easier.”


Buffy smiled at her.


Sam turned to leave, then paused and turned back, “Don’t forget those article corrections I gave you, I need them by Monday.”


Buffy nodded.


“Have a good weekend girls.” she said as she left.


After an awkward silence Fred turned back to Buffy, “It’s a good thing your boss has a sense of humour.” she let out a relieved sigh, “Anyway, have a good weekend, Buffy.”


Buffy forced her bag closed, put on her coat and left the office for the night.


You try to break the mould…


When Buffy got home she went straight to her room, sat at her desk and finished her work for the weekend all in one go. She didn’t find it a chore, not like anything she’d done before, she even found college work more tedious, but since it was summer she didn’t have to worry about that. She worked 4 days a week at the paper, and Sam gave her all the most important paperwork so she felt really settled there. She almost wished she didn’t have to go back to college next year, but she knew the paper wouldn’t give her a fulltime job if she didn’t.


She’d sent in a few column articles since she’d been working there, Sam suggested it and also suggested she sent them to the executive editors upstairs so they got a completely unbiased review, which was fine with Buffy as she valued honestly above all. Even if she got feedback she didn’t want to hear, at least then she’d know if she was wasting her time.


In fact afterwards she felt surer of what she was doing than ever before, the articles weren’t published, of course she didn’t expect them to be, but she was told to keep them and resubmit them at a later date. After which Sam asked her into her office, sat her down and told her everything straight. The road ahead would be long and hard, but she’d talked with the other editors and they had only said good things. She personally believed Buffy had the talent and dedication to go all the way, but in order to do that she would have to finish her degree before applying for a fulltime job, either there or somewhere else as an assistant. She was also basically told if it was up to Sam she’d open a place up for her at the newspaper when the time came, and she was strongly encouraged to remain working under her, maybe at the weekends for the next year when she went back to college.


It was all terribly exciting; if not mind blowing that her life had changed so dramatically. Although every now and then Buffy found it hard to be happy. In fact the reason she chose to work so late was because she hated being at home alone, at least her work gave her something to think about other than him.


She never let herself talk about him anymore, but thoughts of him rarely stopped. She didn’t think they ever truly would.


She walked up to her phone to see the message button beeping, with a small twinge of nervousness, something which had never left her after all these months every time she answered the phone or received a letter in the mail, she listened to her answer machine.


“B, all work and no play makes Buffy a dull girl. It’s been too long, so you better call me or I’ll kick your ass.” Faith’s voice rang out on the machine.


Buffy smiled, it was the best message she could have hoped for. The reason she’d done her work so early was because she wanted to enjoy her weekend and be carefree. She felt like she deserved it, and god knows she needed it. Faith would take her mind off everything; she had to try so hard to seem over Spike in front of her friends that sometimes when she was surrounded by people she could actually fool herself into thinking it was true.


Just as she was about to pick up the receiver to call Faith back she heard a knock at the door. Without another thought she turned and pulled it open.


Cue to your heart that is racing, stung by the look in your eye…


His heart instantly warmed at the sight of her, everything about her seemed to radiate warmth and joy. But when she looked at him and the panic hit her eyes, all that warmth got sucked out of the room as if it had never been there in the first place.


Cue to your heart that is racing…


She met his steady crystal blue eyes and they froze her as if they were made of ice. She felt like a deer caught in headlights, this was the one thing she’d been waiting for, the one thing she never thought would actually happen, the one thing she was terrified of. He was here, in front of her.


She went to say something, but no sound came out. It was as if the words had got stuck in her throat. But more than that, her lips couldn’t even form any words. She felt as if she was trying to speak, but for a while nothing happened. She just stared forward, for the longest time trying to muster any kind of response.


“Spike?”


What a surprise.

It takes the pain away,
That could not make you stay.


“Hi, luv.” he said softly. It was the hardest thing he’d ever had to do turning up and actually having the balls to come and say those two words to her, any two words to her, but to her ears it came out as smooth as silk and that threw her further off her game.


“Can I come in?” Even as he asked he took a step closer, but Buffy panicked and moved back fearfully to maintain the same distance they had had before. He understood what that meant and stepped back into the hallway mumbling a defeated apology. Immediately his confidence retreated.


“What the hell are you doing here, Spike?” she asked finally finding her voice.


For a moment he was shocked that she didn’t already know, but he realised he hadn’t been exactly consistent with his feelings up until now, so how could she. “Buffy…I want you back, pet. I want to come home.”


She was speechless again, a wave of emotions tugged at her insides when his words finally got through to her and she glanced down to see the oversized sports bag in his hand.


He followed her eye line and shot a look back at her, “It’s not what it looks like, Buffy.” he said realising and moving the bag around his back, then dropping it in the corner of the hall out of sight. He held up his now free hand in reassurance, “I didn’t mean it like that, luv. I just meant I wanted to come back…here…I mean to you…to talk…God!” he said frustrated, his head turning to the side, “I’m buggering this up already.”


Buffy watched his display nervously without saying a word.


Eventually he pulled himself together and sighed, “I just wanted to come here and put some things right, luv. That’s what I’m here for.”


Buffy seemed to be thinking over what he’d said, but she was taking too long and it made Spike fear that she was going to refuse him, “Please.” he begged, attempting to step forwards again, but Buffy held a hand up to stop him.


“Wait.” she said firmly.


“Luv?”


“Please don’t call me that, Spike.” she whispered, closing her eyes, surprised at how much hearing that word hurt.


“It’s what I always call you.” he defended.


“You don’t get to call me that anymore… I’m not your love,” she said, “I’m not your anything.”


He screwed his eyes shut; trying to shield himself from the blow she’d just given him.


After all this time and all that had happened between them she still hated to see him in pain. She hated that she’d caused that pain with her choice of words. “I’m sorry, Spike,” she said to bring him back to her, “but I think you should go.”


His stomach flipped when she said his name, but he was determined not to give in, as she attempted to shut the door on him he reached out and held it open.


He could see although he’d try to be gentle that he’d startled her because she wasn’t expecting it. He hadn’t wanted to come and scare her, he never wanted to frighten her again; the very thought of doing that made him sick to his stomach. Her reaction also made him sad that she thought he would leave just like that, he regretted the fact that his past actions had caused her to think he would give up on her so easily. He was going to prove different.


“I’m not going anywhere, Buffy. I need to talk to you. I have things to say, I have things to apologise for.”


“Like what?” she asked.


He just stared at her. “Don’t you think we have anything to talk about?” He could see fear in her eyes, but thankfully he knew it was no longer because of him, it was something within herself that she was scared of.


“We do,” she admitted, “but that doesn’t mean I’m ready.”


“Will you ever be?” he asked sincerely.


“Maybe not.” she answered.


“I can’t risk that.” he said, “I can’t risk losing you. I think you’re scared, Buffy, but so am I.” He finally removed his palm from the door and cupped her cheek. “I’m scared of so many things, but nothing even comes close to how scared I am of losing you.”


She had to fight to stop from leaning into his touch, she felt like an alcoholic being tempted to fall off the wagon, because his touch was certainly her addiction.


“You say that like there’s still something between us.” she said looking up into his eyes.


“Isn’t there?” he asked hopefully, but when she removed his hand from her face he became worried.


Hanging her head trying to avoid his eyes she answered, “You abandoned me, Spike. You haven’t lost me, you let me go.” she said dejectedly, hating how vulnerable she sounded confessing that, but he had abandoned her, left her all alone, and she still didn’t understand how he could have done that to her. “I’ll admit I pushed you; I was scared you’d leave me so I tested you. But when I pushed, you jumped.” She paused, “One minute no one else was ever going to have me, because you wanted me so badly, and the next you were running out the door. You built me up to think I belonged to you, belonged with you, and then you deserted me. Suddenly you didn’t want me anymore.”


“No, luv…I did, but…” he jumped in straight away, but he stumbled over his words, “I wanted you, so much, I still do. I didn’t want you to be with anyone else.” he said desperately, “It cut me up inside to think about you with anyone else.” He tried to reign in his jealousy so he could get his point across, “but I thought you wouldn’t want to see me after what happened. I thought you’d think I was a monster, that you were better off without me…I thought it was what was best.”


“That’s the point, Spike.” she sighed angrily, “It’s what you thought, what you thought was best. You never asked me what I thought, what I really wanted.”


He opened his mouth to argue, but not only couldn’t he, because what she was saying was true, he also didn’t want to. It hurt him to stand here and shout at her; have her shout at him, after everything. So instead he fought down the part of him that wanted to have his say and decided she was right, he’d never listened to what she wanted, what she needed, and that’s the one thing he’d been obsessing over since England, whether what she wanted was him or if it came close to involving him.


After standing in silence for a while the air between them felt noticeably thinner, so he summoned his courage and heart in his throat dared to ask, “What do you want, Buffy?”


“I want…”


He held his breath while he waited for her to answer.


“I want you to go, Spike.” She hung her head again. “I just want you to go.”


With that she closed the door in his face and locked it so he couldn’t get in.


Spike’s heart sank at the thought she wouldn’t even hear him out. He didn’t really know what he wanted to say or even could say to her, but he knew he needed her to talk to him. He couldn’t leave things this way, and he couldn’t face the fact that she didn’t want to see him. He grabbed the handle of the door to test the lock, but all it did was make a loud rattling noise and didn’t budge.


He felt pain through his chest, panic; he didn’t know what to do. As much as he knew it could go this way, he hadn’t planned for it, hadn’t planned for anything. He listened, but he couldn’t hear any movement inside the apartment.


He felt defeated and turned to lean back against the door. He looked up to the ceiling and felt his body suddenly become too heavy for him to keep upright. He let himself go gently and didn’t realise what he was doing until he found himself sat on the floor.


Its way too broke to fix,
No glue, no bag of tricks…
Lay me down…


She heard him shake the handle of the front door and her heart raced, she heard him turn, but instead of walking away it sounded like he slid down the door as if giving in, and then her heart broke for him. She hadn’t moved from her spot on the other side since she’d shut him out. She was stuck fast; an aching in the pit of her stomach seemed to make it impossible to leave.


She rested her head on the door and held her breath as if it would do something to calm her body. All the emotions she’d forgotten were suddenly surging through her once again, every single one of them returning when she saw his face. And she knew then and there that it would always be that way. She’d see him or run into him, she’d hear his name or she’d think about him, and this is how she’d feel. Forever.


Lay me down to crawl…


“Buffy, please just let me talk to you!” he suddenly yelled into the corridor, hoping she’d hear. “Please!”


He thought he heard movement, but then everything went quiet again. He was not going to give up though, not now he’d come so far.


“Buffy, please let me in, pet. I know you don’t want to see me, but we have to talk. We just have to…I…” he stopped with a sigh. “Buffy I know I don’t deserve you, but I love you. I just want you to hear what I’ve got to say.” He slowly got to his feet and rested his forehead against the wood, unbeknown to him mirroring her posture on the other side, “Please, Buffy…Just 10minutes.”


He waited, for what seemed like forever. Then eventually he heard her unlock and he saw her in front of him once more.


She didn’t say anything. She just turned away from him and walked into the living room, leaving the door open.


He took a deep breath before picking up his bag, stepping inside and closing the door behind him.


Don’t forget to breathe…

I wanna fall in love with you…
So how do we begin?


As he looked around the apartment they used to share he noticed that not much had changed, however he didn’t feel like he belonged anymore, and that feeling made him nervous. He was determined she had to know how he felt, even if nothing came of it, but the way she had made him wait pleading against the door, the way the awkwardness hung in the air, and the way she refused to look at him right now were making him feel that outcome was more likely than he had previously thought.


He was sat on the couch, he’d hoped in moving to the edge she’d have sat beside him, or at least at the other end, but she’d bypassed the sofa altogether and sat in the chair furthest away. It was another blow, but he didn’t want to rush her, so if she felt safer there while they talked then so be it. At least she’d let him inside her apartment. Now was the tricky part, letting him in further.


“The place looks good.” he said trying to make small talk. Whether to relax her or himself he wasn’t completely sure; probably the latter.


She nodded, looking around indifferently. “Still the same as ever.” she said, “Not here much, so I haven’t done anything with it.”


“Still working all the hours God sends at the diner?” he asked presumptuously.


“I’m working at a newspaper now.” she replied. She didn’t want to sound like she was showing off, but the pride she felt about her new job slipped out when she went to correct his assumption. She wasn’t sorry for it. But she wondered if he’d taken it the wrong way.


He smiled. “I’m happy for you.” he said honestly, straight away resolving her fears. He paused and then asked, “That is if it’s going well?”


“Yeah, I love it there.”


She smiled to herself and it made Spike miss the times she’d smiled at him. He wondered if she’d ever let herself smile for him again.


“They’ve made it pretty clear that I can have a fulltime job there once I graduate.” she continued, “Only as an assistant, but…”


“But it’s a step in the right direction.” he finished.


She tried not to smile, because she didn’t want to let her emotions show.


A long silence passed between them, until Buffy couldn’t take it any longer. “Are you going to say it?”


“Say what, luv?”


“Whatever it is you came here to say.” she answered frankly.


“I’m just…” he paused, swallowing down the fear in his belly, “I’m trying to work myself up to it.”


She moved her head subtly, but it looked like a nod of acceptance to Spike, signalling she was going to give him time.


He looked at the clock on the wall; it was 1 o’clock in the morning. He hadn’t even realised. Even though Buffy seemed to be wide awake he suddenly felt bad for turning up in the middle of the night unannounced. He felt inconsiderate. “I’m sorry, pet. I didn’t realise the time. Should have waited ‘til the morning.”


“What?” she said, either not having heard him or not expecting him to say what he had.


“I said sorry it’s so late.” he paraphrased. “I didn’t realise. I just came straight from the airport. I wasn’t really thinking. I just knew I had to come here.”


Her eyes asked him why, but she said nothing. She was still waiting for him to start in his own time.


“I was in England longer than I thought I would be, so…I apologise for that. I would have written again, but I didn’t think that was the best way.” He looked up. “It wasn’t, was it?”


And she knew what he was asking; he wasn’t asking whether he should have written her from England, he was asking her if he’d done the right thing in writing to her before he left; hinting that he already knew the answer. “No.” she whispered.


“Yeah, that’s what I thought.” He looked down at his hands and shut his eyes, “But I was too much of a coward to come and see you...” He seemed to shake it off, trying desperately to get back on track, “But I’m not like that anymore. I knew I shouldn’t send you another letter, I knew I had to come and see you face to face…but the tour was going really well, and the other guys wanted to stay.”


Buffy continued to listen without interrupting.


“I didn’t though, Buffy.” he said dejectedly, “No matter how well it was going, I didn’t want to stay there.”


She wondered if he was just trying to make her feel better, but she could see genuine regret on his face as he spoke.


“But you always wanted to go to England.” she said finally speaking up.


He looked surprised that she’d spoken, but then he quickly went to answer her, “England was great, just how I’d imagined it. But you weren’t there,” he said smiling sadly, “so it was unbearable.”


She had no idea how to respond to that. She sat there in shock; unable to muster the happiness that sentence would have given her if she’d heard it a few months ago. She just felt numb.


“Okay, I’m just going to say it.” he said after taking a deep breath, “I missed you. I’ve missed everything about you.”


The way your smile lights up the room…


“I’ve got some things I need to tell you.” he confessed, “I need to tell you how I feel, what I’ve done with myself lately. I’m a different person now, Buffy. I’m gonna to tell you some things, and I need you to listen. I know I don’t deserve to be heard out, but I really hope you can do that for me.”


She nodded again still not giving him much, but all he’d asked was for her to listen, so even that small gesture meant the world to him right now, and it went some way into relaxing him enough to think about how he would start.


I’ll kick back as men flirt with you,
To jealously I’ll stay immune.
This confidence in me and you,
This hope that you and I will bloom.


“I’ve changed, Buffy. I really have changed. I’m controlling my anger. I was seeing someone about it, a shrink I guess, before I left for England, I want to carry on seeing them. It’s really helping.” he said looking over at her to gauge her reaction, she wasn’t looking at him, but she was clearly taking everything in and thinking it over, which he was thankful for, “I should have started as soon as I left, but to be honest then I wasn’t up to facing much of anything I needed to face.” his small admission gave her the slightest insight into what he’d been through those weeks they were initially apart, he knew he’d eventually have to tell her what kind of a mess he’d got himself into, but it wasn’t the time for self pitying, “But when I saw you again at the Bronze, with that guy...”


She looked up then, thinking about Riley, about how good he’d been to her these past few months, about how close they were as friends, and how he was an important part of her life now, even though things had changed and now neither of them had romantic feelings for each other. She thought about him and agonised over what Spike was going to say.


“I knew I needed to get help.” he finished, “I was such a bastard to you that night.”


She hadn’t expected that. She’d expected a long speech about how sorry he was, that he’d acted crazy yes, but followed by how his jealousy meant he couldn’t help it.


“I shouldn’t have acted that way. It was wrong. There’s so many reasons why it was wrong.”


“Like?” she butted in.


“You testing me, Summers?” he asked almost wanting to smile.


“Maybe.” she said calmly, “I think I have the right.”


Spike couldn’t argue with that. After all he was here to explain that he finally knew what he’d done was wrong, so he answered her, “I should have realised it wasn’t my business I guess. Like you said, I left you; I had no right to get mad about you and him.”


She went to defend herself again, but he spoke before she could.


“And I know what you’re gonna say, luv. And that’s another thing.” he said, understanding what she would have jumped in with. “I shouldn’t have jumped to conclusions either.” he sighed, “Double edged sword or whatever, I shouldn’t have thought you cared so little that you would have moved on to the next guy so fast, and I also should have left you to it if that’s what you wanted to do.”


She sat quietly, and he took that to mean she was satisfied with his answer.


“But I have changed, pet.” he said sincerely.


“I know I was to blame for what happened that night, Spike. I shouldn’t have run to you and then pulled away.” Buffy said almost ignoring his admission to get her own out, “I know that upset you. I knew it was wrong of me, but I was confused. I never expected you to react like that, and to say those things to me. Your jealousy…it frightened me. Just like the other time, you suddenly going crazy…I didn’t think you were capable of that.”


“I know, Buffy, neither did I,” he insisted, “but I wouldn’t ever do that again. I’ve really changed.”


“I’ve changed too, Spike.”


“I know.” he replied.


“How could you know?” she said sadly, “You haven’t been here to see it.”


That stung, really stung, but he let it go. He deserved that, it was the truth. “I meant I knew you would.”


Buffy looked at him with questioning eyes, and he didn’t need to be told she wanted a better explanation than that.


“I hoped you’d change, luv. You weren’t happy, I mean with me I think you were, like I was happy with you, but we were so similar, Buffy. Neither of us was happy with ourselves.” he said regretfully. “So no wonder it all got so messed up.”


She kept quiet, because it was true, because it was hard to hear, because she didn’t know what to say back.


“God, I’m just gonna be a dick and say it, bluntly and honesty. No romance, no pretence. I’m just gonna tell you why I’m here.”


She waited.


“I’m happy with who I am now, Buffy. I’ve done all the things I’ve ever wanted. I’ve got my life on track, and finally have a meaningful future…for me.” He made sure she was looking at him before he finished, “Now all that’s missing is that one person I want to share it all with. That’s you. That’s always been you...You’re the one, Buffy.”


“Spike, I…”


“I’m not asking for you to forgive me right here and now, I’m not saying there isn’t other things we need to talk about. But I just gotta know something, because when I realised all the things I’d been missing, when I saw all the pieces of my life falling into place, when I found out who I truly was I knew who I wanted to be with. I could finally trust in my feelings, and I knew that I loved you, and I will always want to be with you. And what I think is you’ve made the same changes, you’ve crossed the same bridges and made up for what you thought were your failings, so maybe you’re ready to think about that too.”


I wanna say I do…


“I love you, Buffy.” he declared, as if it was the easiest thing in the world to admit, the next part wasn’t so easy, “But I need to know...”


She looked up at him, and he waited until her eyes met his.


He sat there, honest and serious and heart open, and asked her if she felt the same.


The question is do you?

“I do.” Buffy said, but when she saw Spike about to smile she opened her mouth again, she didn’t want to get his hopes up, “But I don’t know if that’s enough.”


“Why the hell not?” he said raising an eyebrow.


She sighed, “Because too much has happened?” she suggested calmly, “Because I can’t forgive you for walking out on me?…Because I can’t trust you?” She paused, part of her not even wanting to say the last sentence, because she knew how much it would hurt him, “Because even looking at you hurts me more than you could ever understand.”


You wanna feel how it feels?


His heart clenched in his chest, he’d asked, and she’d given him her answer. But it wasn’t what he wanted to hear.


“I didn’t do the right thing, Buffy. I know now I didn’t. But I can’t undo it.”


“I know that.” she sighed sadly.


“I wish I could, but I can’t.” he said looking down into his lap, “God, Buffy I’ll never be able to tell you how sorry I am for what I did to you.” Then he looked up, “But I also can’t apologise for it forever.” When he studied her face she didn’t look shocked, but he presumed she was underneath the façade, so he explained himself, “As much as I know that I’ve hurt you, no amount of saying sorry or grovelling can ever undo it, or change it, or make it better.”


“I know that too.”


He looked across at her, feeling she finally understood.


“But I don’t think the same as you, Spike.” she said almost resentfully.


He immediately sensed the dramatic change in her voice. “And how’s that?” he asked steadily, waiting for her response to see what she really thought of him.


You don’t wanna hurt me.
But see how deep the bullet lies…


She kept her lips tight and her face expressionless as she began, “I don’t think that just because something won’t make things better means that it’s a waste of time.”


“I never said that…”


“– I don’t think its okay to give up on something, to not try. That just because it won’t change anything to say you’re sorry, that you should be able to get away with everything that happened.”


This time he kept quiet, because she was upset, ready to burst, he could see it as clear as day and he felt it was better just to hear her out for once.


“You gave up on us, you didn’t try. All I wanted was for you to try, for you to fight for us. But one little thing happens and you run away.”


“It wasn’t one little thing, Buffy. I forced myself on you.” He ran a frustrated hand through his hair.


“Spike, that day. I don’t know what happened…You scared me, and I…” she trailed off unable to find the right words. “But you didn’t…”


“I still find it hard to look in the mirror.” he said interrupting her thoughts.


She searched for the right thing to say, anything to say, “Spike…” Part of her wanted to hurt him, part of her wanted to absolve him. She settled for neither. “The part that hurt the most wasn’t what you did. It was that I let you do it.”


It hurt so much to hear her talk about it, more than he ever thought it would.


“It made me feel so weak.” she finished.


“When I looked at you afterwards,” he said opening up, “it was if I’d robbed you of something.”


She looked across at him, “You did.”


“What was it, Buffy? What did I really do to you?”


She looked away nervously and shook her head, “I don’t know...” She paused, “You shattered the illusion I guess…I thought you were perfect,” she corrected her self, “that we were perfect.” She turned to him again, “We weren’t.”


“No one is.” he said back.


“No, but I don’t think I understood that then.”


There was a silence, and although it wasn’t uncomfortable, it wasn’t welcome either.


“I’m sorry, Buffy.” he said breaking the quiet, “I hate that I did that to you…God, the way that you looked at me after…like I’d…”


“Like you’d what?” she asked softly when he couldn’t bring himself to finish.


“Like I’d broke you.” he admitted painfully.


She nodded, understanding.


“I couldn’t cope seeing you like that. Facing you. I thought every time I looked at you I’d remember what I did.”


“And that’s why you left?”


He nodded.


“Do you…” She shook her head and stopped speaking as if she no longer thought it was important.


“Go on, pet.” he encouraged, urging her to finish her sentence.


She almost laughed, feeling suddenly stupid, but this time she said it anyway, “Do you think about it every time you look at me?”


He paused, “Only when you look at me like you are now.”


Confusion marred her features.


“Scared.” he clarified.


She shook her head and her eyes flittered to the floor, “I’m not scared of you, Spike. I’m scared of where this is going.”


“What do you mean, luv?”


She took a deep breath, “I’m waiting for you to say you’re here because you’re ready to be my brother again.”


Spike couldn’t help his dazed reaction, it confused Buffy that he could be so shocked when they were his own words she was throwing back at him.


Like a bad penny turning up he remembered the letter he had left behind. “I would never say that to you again, Buffy.”


“You’ve said it before.”


“So have you.” he countered.


She stayed quiet.


“Buffy, I know when I left I said those things, but it isn’t how I really feel, and if you knew me at all you’d realise that. I was just too messed up to think straight.” he said trying to reassure her.


“I know at the start you were so sure what we were doing was right,” she continued, “but it’s because you were so sure that hearing that hurt so much. I thought if even you were saying those things, what would other people say? I trusted you to know what was right and wrong, Spike. I trusted that if you’d left me it was the right thing to do, so I thought we should be over.”


The words he dreaded slipped from her mouth and hit him hard.


“But then I thought what gave you the right to make that decision for me?” she said almost fiercely, “Why were you always the one I let decide everything; why couldn’t I be stronger?” she said getting more and more worked up, “And that’s what I’ve been doing, Spike, making myself stronger; making my own decision, like I used to before you came and turned my world upside down.”


“I’m glad, kitten.” was all he said.


She just stared for a while, “That’s it?” she asked.


He shrugged, “You’re right about what I did, but I wanted you to be your own person, Buffy. I never wanted anyone to control you, least of all me. I just wanted you to be happy.”


“You don’t get it, Spike.” she cried, rising to her feet in the middle of the room, “You don’t get what it felt like. I’m strong now, but I wasn’t then. You were meant to be the strong one, you told me I was the one running scared, and then you were the one who actually left.” she said bitterly, “You were meant to be my rock, you were meant to keep me strong and then you left me, and I didn’t know what to do.”


“But I couldn’t be your rock, luv. I couldn’t be your strength, that had to be yours. It had to come from within.” He sighed, preparing himself for what he was about to say, “Look, Buffy. When I came back in your life I had all this guilt.”


“Guilt?”


“For not being there for you; for not being in your life. I wanted to make up for it all. I wanted to help you, but when I came here you were already making a life for yourself. I think I got in the way too much, and I think you let me. You started to rely on me too much and you forgot all about yourself and what you needed for you…and maybe so did I…People in love, they need each other, they depend on each other, but they’re still two separate people. And all I am is one man, Buffy. I have flaws, then I had more than a few, and I couldn’t be your everything. It was too much pressure. I knew I wasn’t good enough.”


“I know that’s not how a relationship works, Spike. But don’t you think it’s a pretty hard lesson to learn the way you taught it to me?”


“That wasn’t the reason I left, I didn’t want to teach you any kind of lesson. I didn’t want to hurt you. I wanted to stop the hurt, Buffy. I wanted it to go away…for both of us.” he said pleading with her to understand.


“Things don’t just go away because you run from them.” she argued, “You taught me that...Leaving didn’t erase what happened. It only made it worse.”


“And I know that now.” he finished, “Guess we both needed to learn a few things.”


Buffy didn’t say anything back to him, but she thought about that for a while.


“I’m sorry.” he said. No excuses, no expectations. It was clear and honest, and straight from his heart.


She felt the tears roll down her face and said the only words that came to mind, “Me too.”


Suddenly she couldn’t stand being in that room with him. It all became too much and she ran, but before she even got to the hallway he’d gotten up from his seat and stopped her. She felt his hand on her arm, gently pulling her back to face him.


“Don’t leave, Buffy.” he begged, “I couldn’t bare it.”


She broke down then. She’d felt it coming, that’s why she’d tried to leave, but now she couldn’t hold it back any longer. “I don’t know what to do, Spike.” she cried, “I just don’t know what to say.”


Without thinking he quickly pulled her into his embrace, and her arms fell into place on his back, gripping onto him like her life depended on it.


She found herself wanting to snuggle closer into his shoulder. “I’ve wanted you to come back for so long that this doesn’t seem real.” she confessed, “I don’t know what to do or say. I don’t know what to feel. It’s like a dream and I don’t know if I want to wake up or keep dreaming.” She felt him hug her closer, “All I know is that everything got better in my life after you left, everything’s turned out the way I’ve always wanted it to…but nothing’s made me happy…and I don’t think anything but you ever can.”


Spike stood there absorbing every word she was saying, listening intently.


“I’ve tried to forget you, Spike. Everyday I’ve tried, but I can’t. I’ve been strong, and I’ve been true to myself, but everything’s so hard without you here.”


“I’m here, Buffy. I’m really here,” he whispered into her hair, “and this time I won’t ever leave you unless you ask me to.”


She pulled back and looked up at him, “I don’t want you to go. I know I should, but I don’t. I still love you, Spike. I never…” she was suddenly lost in his eyes. He was so close to her, so close.


His breath blew out warm and erratic over her quivering lips. She couldn’t help but shiver as she became more affected by his proximity. It felt like her whole body was shaking violently, her head was certainly swimming.


“Buffy.” he whispered.


That one breathy sound spoke a thousand words, and she knew what he wanted, what they both needed to happen next.


There’s a thunder in our hearts, baby.


“Spike, this doesn’t change the big picture here.” she said shutting her eyes to block him out, but it didn’t help. He was firmly in her head and her heart and all around her right now.


“I know, but…” he finished gasping for air, unable to continue in the thick fog he felt himself wading through because of her being so near to him.


So much hate for the ones we love?
Tell me we both matter, don’t we?


He leaned his forehead against hers and tried to muster some strength, “Do you remember what I said to you the first time we made love?”


Buffy closed her eyes for once giving in and letting the memory wash over her completely without trying to stop it, painful though it was to recall the time when they were so much together that they were almost one person.


“I told you that none of the reasons we shouldn’t be together mattered.”


A tear slipped down her cheek and he leaned back far enough to bring his right hand to wipe it away.


“All that mattered was what we wanted, and we wanted each other. Right now I want you, Buffy, I need you. And I think you want me too,” he said desperately staring at her, cupping her face and willing her to look up at him, “and if you do nothing else matters. Friends, family, if they love us they’ll accept us.”


She finally looked up at him again, tears sparkling in her eyes.


“But all I care about is me and you.”


She searched his eyes and knew that he was telling the truth.


“That’s enough for me, Buffy.”


She leaned forward without hesitation and pressed her mouth gently onto his and they stayed like that for a few seconds.


“That’s always been enough for me.” he whispered onto her lips before she kissed him again.


Come on baby, come on, come on darling…
Let me steal this moment from you now…
Come on angel, come on, come on darling…
Let’s exchange the experience…


As his tongue slipped into her mouth and her hands clutched onto the hair at the back of his head she felt like she was home, and so did he.


If I only could, be running up that hill…

Sucker love is heaven sent.

Spike woke when he felt Buffy reach out for him, opening his eyes he saw her shift towards him in the bed. She was somewhere between sleep and awake when she snuggled her face into his chest. He rolled off his back and over to her, his right arm was underneath her already, but he wrapped his left around her too and pulled her closer. She fit perfectly into his embrace, into his whole life, and he couldn’t believe he was actually here again.


He looked down at the girl in his arms knowing that no matter what lay ahead for them, this moment was so perfect that nothing could ruin it. He’d do whatever it took to get her to trust him again; he’d let her take it as slow as she wanted; he’d do whatever made her comfortable, but he’d always be honest about what he wanted and needed from now on. He’d never keep things from her, and maybe if that happened then they could be together again. His heart clenched at the thought, having more hope in them than he had allowed himself to have in months. He couldn’t think about anything but them being together, totally in awe of the beautiful woman he was clinging to as she stirred again.


Instead of stressed, I lie here charmed.
‘Cause there’s nothing else to do
Every me, and every you…


Buffy woke up slowly, immediately feeling warm and safe. She felt his arms encircling her and his solid chest beneath her hands. Her fingertips ran over his skin, remembering what it used to be like to feel him here this way, and she prayed that when she finally opened her eyes that he would still be there, and that she wasn’t imaging it. She stroked her hands up to his shoulders and then further so they rested behind his neck, then she opened her eyes, pulling her head back enough to get a good look at him. “So I didn’t dream it?” she asked quietly.


Spike smiled down at her, “No, kitten.” he said reassuringly, leaning down to kiss her forehead. As he did so he felt her hands move into his hair and her head move to his shoulder. She hugged him tight as if she thought he’d slip away from her.


“I’m glad you’re still here, Spike.” she whispered.


“Did you think I wouldn’t be?”


She pulled away so he could see her, but she was afraid to look at him, “I didn’t know if you’d even come back in the first place. I waited so long that…I’d given up hope.” she said honestly. “Last night…the reason I was acting so…I was in shock.”


“I know.”


“I’m still in shock; I don’t know what’s going to happen.”


“I’m not going anywhere, luv.” he said, kissing her forehead again affectionately.


She took a deep breath and bravely pushed, “You left me once.”


Spike brought her closer. “Buffy, I was a mess when I left you. I was drinking, I wasn’t taking care of myself, I refused to leave the flat for weeks, I lost my job…Everything went wrong, I was miserable.” He looked down into her eyes, cradling her head in his hands and stroking her hair, “It was the hardest thing I ever did and it nearly killed me. I could never leave you again, luv.”


“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that the way it came out.” she said referring to questioning his loyalty, “I want to trust you.”


He sighed contentedly at her admission, “I want that too, luv.”


“It’ll just take time.” she said almost posing it as a question, wondering if that was okay with him.


He just moved further down the bed so he was no longer above her, but at eye level. He stared at her lovingly, “Time I’ve got, kitten.”


Buffy smiled laying a hand on his cheek. “I’m nearly there…” she confessed, “I believe you, Spike, when you say you couldn’t leave me again, because I could never leave you again either.”


Spike’s heart was in his throat for a minute, “Does that mean…Does that mean you want to give us another shot?”


She just smiled at him and looked away cutely, and he knew that meant yes.


“Can I kiss you now, pet?” he asked smiling back.


She giggled, “I thought you’d never ask.”


Spike couldn’t help the grin that spread across his face as he rolled over on top of her, hearing her squeal of surprise.


He paused resting above her as he took in the sight of the girl below him. His arms outstretched keeping a distance between them, a space which crackled with heat and electricity. “I love you Miss Buffy Summers.” he whispered.


She almost breathed out a sigh of relief before saying, “I love you too, Spike.” Her voice echoed his intensity.


He didn’t make a move, he got lost in her eyes, an age passed before her voice sounded again and broke him free from his trance.


“Given that.” she said more mischievously, a wicked smile playing on her lips, “I think we should have a repeat of last night.”


He grinned again, “I thought you’d never ask.” With that he swooped down and claimed her mouth with his.


He started off slowly, teasing her, trying to make up for the quick desperate passion they’d had the night before. He brought her to the brink with his fingers, his mouth, but didn’t let her come.


Eventually she couldn’t take it any longer; she pushed him onto his back and straddled him. She loved the shocked look on his face, but she didn’t have time to let it affect her before she was holding him in position and sinking down on his length.


“Fuck.” Spike groaned through clenched teeth, his hands immediately grabbing her hips in a bruising hold as if he needed to anchor himself.


“Bloody hell woman, what are you trying to do to me?” he huffed out breathlessly.


“Isn’t that obvious?” She grinned, grinding down on him.


“Shit.” he moaned, “Right now I’m not completely sure you’re not trying to kill me.”


Buffy mock pouted.


God, I missed her doing that, he thought.


“Guess if you haven’t figured it out yet I’ll have try a little harder.” she said raising up slightly and then coming back down.


“You’re teasing me, luv.” he said.


“Turnabout’s fair play.” She smiled and did it again.


Spike suddenly rolled his hips up and thrust into her. A loud moan escaped from the back of her throat and she threw her head back surprised.


“What were you saying, luv?” he questioned teasingly, thrusting up again, “Something about turnabout?”


She gasped and swallowed hard. “Okay,” she agreed, “no more teasing.”


She began to move on him more confidently, setting up a rhythm for them both, one which he encouraged by guiding her hips with his hands.


Within no time at all they were both desperate for release, “Buffy, fuck.” he said trying to keep his eyes open and focused on her.


“That’s what I’m trying to do.” she joked, but the joke was lost on him, because he was too far gone.


He stared at her breasts as they swung in front of him, he had to taste them. His right hand slid up, gently caressing them and then moving further, his palm flat against her chest, her collar bone, gripping her shoulder and then her neck. He sat up as far as he could without having to adjust her position on him, and then pulled her by her neck the rest of the way so he could bring a nipple to his mouth. He suckled at it hungrily, like a man starved.


Once leant forwards she started crying out with pleasure rather than simply moaning or whimpering, partly from the attention he was paying to her breasts and partly from the new angle he was penetrating her from.


He heard the change in her voice and realised she was going to come, but he didn’t have enough leverage this way and his neck was hurting from leaning forwards, so he rolled her onto her back without pulling out, and drove into her hard, now able to focus his thrusts better.


“Spike, oh God!” she cried gripping his biceps painfully tight.


“That’s it, luv.” he panted. Spike could feel her nails biting into the skin on his arms, but he didn’t care. He was so close, she was so close, he could feel it.


She moved one hand into his hair, grabbing the blonde curls on his head. He was so far gone that the little pull forced his head to collapse into her neck. He groaned loudly as he felt his balls tighten.


“Fuck! Spike!” she whimpered clutching him tighter.


They both climaxed at the same time, Buffy’s body going limp almost immediately and her hands falling helplessly away from him to the mattress beneath. Spike’s right hand slid to the back of her neck as he continued to thrust lazily with the aftershocks. He turned his head towards her and nipped at her neck.


She moaned and turned her head to him, seeking out his lips. He pulled away from her neck and kissed her properly, every part of his body tingling.


Her hands went back into his hair as her tongue played softly with his, she loved having them there. He loved it too.


He pulled out of her with a groan and rolled over on his back laying an arm across his face while he panted out harsh breaths. When she moved over to him and moulded herself into his side almost purring contentedly he dropped the arm to hold her to him.


“I definitely missed that.” he said with a satisfied grin on his face.


She laid her head on his chest once more and shut her eyes, “I missed you.” she said instead of agreeing with his statement.


Her words warmed his heart and for a few moments he let that feeling wash over him. “I missed you too, luv.”


In the shape of things to come…


Buffy and Spike had been driving for days. They’d got back together just over 2 months ago, but this time they’d been practical right from the beginning. They’d took things slow before then, and steady ever since. Spike had just moved back in and they’d talked about telling their family pretty soon after. So here they were.


Buffy decided driving would be the best idea as she didn’t fancy the idea of Giles or her mother offering to pick them up from the airport. She wanted to tell them pretty much as soon as she saw them; she wanted to get it out. She feared if one of them or both of them came to the airport she’d blurt it out on the way back, she wouldn’t be able to stand lying to them any longer. She didn’t want that, she wanted to calmly sit them down and talk it over.


Spike hadn’t argued, his band had just been signed to a record label and they were set to start recording in 2 weeks, so he welcomed the time alone with Buffy on the road. Both of them knew that he’d be really busy soon enough, and Buffy would be starting school again.


They’d stopped at motels on the way down, and actually it’d been really nice. For a few days they were out in the real world as a couple, even if they had only met strangers it was nice to feel like a genuine couple for a change. It made them even surer that they were doing the right thing in telling their family. It was time, they didn’t want to hide anything, and they just wanted to get to the point where they could be together in the open as quickly as possible.


As they pulled up to the street they’d grown up on Buffy laid her hand on Spike’s arm. He understood and stopped the car a way away from their parent’s house so she could collect herself.


He turned to her and cupped her cheek, “It’ll be okay, Buffy.” he said, his breathing steady and determined as he tried to reassure her.


She smiled softly, and his heart felt like it was going to float right out of his chest at the sight. He smiled back at her, “Are you okay?”


She took a deep breath, “I will be if you kiss me.” she said honestly.


He grinned and did just that.


Pucker up for heaven’s sake. There’s never been so much at stake.


Neither of them saw the flashing sirens surrounding the house until they drove closer.


Every me, and every you…