Que sera sera

When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, “What will I be?
Will I be pretty, will I be rich?”
Here’s what she said to me


Buffy smiled at her reflection, “Hi, I’m Buffy O’Conner. Hi, I’m Mrs. Liam O’Connor…Hi, I’m Liam Angelus O’Connor. Hi, I’m Liams’ angel”

Willow stepped in at the last title and smiled wide at her friend, “Does he call you that?”

“Every single night” Buffy answered honestly and smiled at her friend, “You look beautiful” Buffy gushed.

The red head looked down at the tasteful gown Buffy had chosen for her, a deep emerald green, sans the taffeta that Anya had suggested to “keep the eyes on the bride where they belong”. The dress fell to mid calf, a backless halter dress that luckily suited each of her brides maids, however the color on each one was different, just like her friends. Anya’s was a deep slate gray, Faith’s a crimson red.

And Buffy’s dress, well it was ivory and everything little girls dreamed of growing up. She looked like Cinderella and she looked in love, Willow had never seen her more beautiful.

Anya came rushing in with Faith, “It’s almost time Buffy, if you’re going to expel food I would do it now.” Anya blurted out and the girls laughed, all knowing she was without a doubt, serious.

“SHIT, I don’t have something blue” Buffy panicked before Faith’s eyes landed on one of the bouquets in the dressing room, she quickly plucked a small blue bud and placed it in Buffy’s hair.

“There you go, problem solved B” she said with a smile and a swat to the bride to be’s ass, “Now lets go get you hitched bitch.”

“Jesus Faith” Buffy laughed out and took a big breath, “This is it guys, let’s go get me married.” Buffy gushed.


When the double doors opened and Willow, being the first one to walk down the aisle, saw Angels face she knew her friend had made the right decision, people were always so focused on the bride that they seldom looked at the groom, and he was glowing.

He gave Willow a small wink and she nodded her head, smiling the whole time. Faith was close behind her and from the laughter that erupted Willow could just imagine what Faith was doing, it was a tie between winking at the single males or blowing kisses, she didn’t turn around to see but she knew the girl well enough.

She knew Anya had commenced her walk when she heard the overly loud whisper of “See Buffy, without the taffeta all eyes are on me”

Buffy rolled her eyes lovingly at her friend and took a deep breath as their organ signaled that it was now her turn.

With a smile she couldn’t hide even if God himself told her to she began the walk towards her man, a series of gasps erupted and she fought the urge to say “screw normalcy” and run down the aisle to the man waiting to spend forever happily in her arms.

It was as if a fog surrounded her though and her eyes refused to tell her brain what she was seeing, what the gasps were for.

Angel had not collapsed, a strangled “Buffy” had not been torn from his lips. He was not lying on the floor, eyes still on her, she was not the last thing his soulful brown eyes had seen.

Shouts were going out all around her as she stood there frozen, “Check his pulse” and “Get her the hell outta’ here’s” flying around the room and bouncing off the walls before breaking through the haze of her mind.

“Angel?” she whispered out, “Angel?”

Time seemed frozen as she ran, the petals of her bouquet scattering, each one a now dead dream of what was supposed to be.

People cleared the path for her and when she sank to her knees and pressed a kiss to his lips for the first time in her life with him she got no response.

And that’s when the images assailed her.

“I’m not looking for a friend” the sassy cheerleader had snapped at the jock, who had simply smiled and turned around, “I never said I was yours”

“Last time I checked, you were here with Darla” Buffy said with an eye role.
“Last time I checked, you turned me down thirty times” Angel countered.
“Go back to the ho bag Angel.”
“How long are you going to fight this Buffy? I want to be with you.” She smiled despite herself and took his hand as he led her to the dance floor.
“By the way, I really like your dress.”
“Yeah yeah, big hit with everyone” she said, and despite the tone, lacking in affection, her head landed on his chest and she smiled despite herself.

“Do you love me?” he asked softly.
“What?”
“Do you?” he asked again, running his hand through her hair.
“I love you. I don’t know if I trust you.”
“Maybe you shouldn’t do either” he whispered, pulling her closer to him.
“Maybe I’m the one who should decide” she answered angrily, before closing the distance between their mouths and leaving them both breathless.

“Shhh. I…”
“You what?”
“I love you. I try not to, but I can’t stop.” He told her as he cut off her ramble and checked her back, the small cut she’d gotten when she’d fallen running out of the rain and into his apartment already not bleeding anymore.
“Me…me too, I can’t either” she whispered.

“Why do you want to marry me?” she asked him, drawing lazy patterns on his chest not 36 hours ago.

“Because more than ever, I know how much I love you.” Came the quiet, and she knew, honest reply.



“I’ll never forget. I’ll never forget. I’ll never forget. I’ll never forget” she wailed out over and over again unknowingly, holding his lifeless body to hers, too lost in the grief to hear the sounds of anguish around her, the sound of her heart breaking the loudest of them all.


“Que Sera, Sera
Whatever will be, will be
The future’s not ours to see
Que Sera, Sera
What will be, will be”

The emptiness gnawing at her stomach was no match for the emptiness clawing at her soul. Her green eyes had faded, no longer sparkling and she knew that technically she should eat, that he wouldn’t want her to waste away, but she didn’t give a shit about technicalities.

The first few weeks had flown by in a haze of black clothing and apologies, eulogies and casseroles. What the fuck did she need 16 casseroles for? Did people really believe that eating was on the top of her list of priorities?
She had barely blinked when the will had been read, how could he have kept something so important from her? A tumor. A small mass pressing on his brain and he hadn’t thought she should know. A tumor and a large sum of money, she was twenty four and loaded, his family didn’t even fight her for it. They simply walked out of her life when she needed them most. Her father was somewhere in Spain, her mother was in the Restfield Cemetary and her fiancées body was in Ireland with the rest of his deceased relatives.

All she had was money, money she didn’t want to touch but had to. There was no way she was going to stay in L.A in the condo she and Angel had made a home. Her friends were in Sunnydale, and that’s where she would go.

She had just finished packing the last of her things, the only reminders she would take of Liam were the ring, the pictures and the hand carved chest he had made her as a graduation present, in which she would keep the other two things. Anything else was too much for her to be around. His clothes had his smell, the sheets reminded her of the times they’d spent in bed, even the furniture was too much…too him for her to look at everyday and so it all went into different piles for different charities and his clothes would go to those in need.

She played with the engagement ring dangling from the chain on her neck and brought it to her lips.

She walked to the front of the house, closing the lights as she did so. “Goodbye Liam.” She said softly and closed the door behind her, closing her eyes as the light breeze blew by her.

“I love you too” she whispered to it before getting in the waiting taxi.





It had been one hundred and forty seven days, not counting today, that she’d lost him and she had yet to paint or decorate her house. However, as depressed as she was, living off of Chinese food and an air mattress wasn’t doing her any good so she had decided today was as good a day as any to try and get her life back on track.

And that’s why she was currently staring at black antique bedroom set in the small shop she had found not too far from where Willow worked at the Magic Box.

“S’beautiful, isn’t it, like it has a story to tell.” Came the smooth British voice from behind her.

She turned dull eyes on him, “its wood, story over.”

He chuckled and she didn’t know why but it wasn’t what she’d expected.

“That’s like saying a gorgeous woman”, he paused to run his eyes over her appreciatively though her hair was a tangle of knots she wore pulled back into a sloppy ponytail, her outfit consisted of a white tank and ripped beyond repair faded jeans and she wore no makeup, “is nothing more than that. Everything has a story.”

She sighed and looked at the set again, the hard almost gothic lines of the armoire appealing to the darker side of herself she’d never knew she had until Angel had left her.

“I’ll take it, all of it” she told him, expecting him to at least raise an eyebrow but instead he smiled.

“Good choice. We don’t usually deliver but I’m moving this weekend, if you’d like when I’m done unloading my things I could drop yours off, save you some money.”

At then the most unexpected thing happened, she found herself smiling, really smiling for the first time in months, “I’m about to give you roughly fifteen thousand dollars for two dressers, night tables, an armoire and a bed frame, and you don’t want me to have to worry about paying out a hundred dollars for movers?”

“I’m a gentleman, what can I say?” he teased back; almost sure he’d seen a sparkle in her eye if even just for a second.

“Well you could tell me to save thirteen thousand dollars by going to Ikea.”

He jokingly clutched at his heart, “I could, but do you think C.S Lewis drew his inspiration for Narnia from a build it yourself wardrobe he bought from the Swedes?”

She laughed and shook her head, stretching out her hand, “Buffy Summers.”

He took it and shook it back, “Spike Calendar, it’s a pleasure Buffy Summers. New to town?”

“New to town in the sense that I’m only starting to get out of the house, I’ve been here for about four months.”

If he was curious as to why he was smart enough not to ask, “Know anyone from around here?”

“I know Willow and Anya, the girls who own the Magic Box just down the street.”

“Red’s a sweetie, Anya’s just about the strangest girl I’ve ever met but she’s refreshing.”

“That she is, hey, is there another level to this place or something?” she asked, spotting a door to a basement and a door she assumed belonged to the upper level.
“There’s two more levels, just added the upper one. I used to sleep up there but with the shop doing well I was able to buy a house a few weeks ago.”

“That’s wonderful, in the area?”

“1628 Revello Drive.”

“You’re joking, I live at 1630” she laughed out.

“Well at least I know I won’t hate my neighbors” he chuckled, “Wanna’ see the rest of the place?”

There was something about him that made her feel at ease, maybe it was because it didn’t feel like he was hitting on her or maybe it was a new face to talk to after shutting herself away for so long, but she didn’t feel the anxiety that usually came from being around the opposite sex in this case.

“I’d love to, I actually have zero furniture so…”

He raised his eyebrow and smiled, but didn’t say anything except “interesting”

They went to the upstairs first and Buffy gasped at all the beautiful things she saw there and knew that she had come to the right place, the furniture’s style called to her. Not the her that was before Angel, or the grief-stricken her that was after him, but to the her that she knew she had become throughout it all.

She turned to him, “That vanity is so mine” she gushed and he laughed at her enthusiasm. Watching her eyes light up when her sights landed on the living room pieces he’d acquired not thirty six hours ago, they were modern and not antiques but he knew beautiful furniture when he saw it, plus with the money he’d been saving up he was hoping to open a second furniture store to hold the more contemporary pieces, until then the things he acquired would have to stay here.

1 hour later:

She essentially bought him out and he didn’t know what to say, she was willing to drop over 120 thousand into his small business provided he delivered for free, she’d added that part with a small smile, hoping to make him laugh again but he was too much in shock.

And so instead the ever savvy business man blurted out “Don’t you think you’re overdoing it?”

He winced as he said it but instead of the anger he’d expected he was met with a sad smile, “No.”

It was all she would say on the subject, blatantly ignoring him when she wrote the check dated for today, calling the bank while she did so to notify them of the large sum about to be spent.

When she hung up the phone she looked at him and laughed, “What?”

“You don’t dress like you’re loaded.”

He could have smacked himself upside the head for such a stupid comment but to his surprise she took it with a grain of salt.

“I wasn’t aware I had to.”

“I’m sorry, I think you fried my brain kitten. I’ve never sold this much furniture in three months, let alone in less than a day.”

She seemed to roll his answer around before nodding her head in acceptance and adding, “If we can do this discreetly I’d be really grateful. The last thing I need is rumors going around about the hermit Summers and how she came into money.”

“I’ll do my best, scouts honor, but delivering that much furniture isn’t going to be so easy to hide.”

“I know, small towns have big mouths” she giggled. “Do you know where I can hire painters, plumbers…all that stuff?”

“You’ll want to hit up Oz’s for that stuff, if you’d like I can call him for you, get you a deal.”

“I would very much like that, as hard as it may be to believe, my wealth is not regenerative.”

“And what about your appetite?” he asked, heading to the front door and flipping the sign from open to closed.

“I’m starving” she admitted.

“Well, seeing as how you just made my sales quota for the whole quarter, let me buy you a friendly lunch?”

She would have turned him down right then had he not inserted the word friendly, as it was he had and she really was hungry. 'Baby steps Buffy' she told herself, fighting the urge not to just run out and back to the not so comfortable comfort of her empty house. A house she had deliberately kept in that state because it reflected how she felt, still felt really. But there was only so long she could lock herself away from the world that Angel had shown her the beauty of.

"I guess lunch is okay" she heard herself agree, then as an afterthought, "you were a scout?"

"Nope" he laughed out.


"When i was young, i fell in love
I asked my sweetheart "What lies ahead?
Will we have rainbows day after day?"
Here's what my sweetheart said

Buffy and Spike walked down the street to the Magic Box to the surprise of Anya and Willow.

“Buffy, it’s so nice to see you out of your empty house, but you look like shit.”

“Thanks Anya, I’ll try and dress up for you next time.”

“No no, the worse you look the better I do.”

Spike smiled as he watched the interaction, girls were strange, no doubts about that.

Willow smiled a smile that didn’t quite reach her eyes, “Hey, so…nice day huh?”

Buffy nodded, “Ya, it’s one of the reasons I ventured out today, stopped by Spike’s shop for some furniture, I figure it’s about time.”

“That’s good” Willow answered, her smile real this time, it wasn’t healthy for Buffy to continue to shut herself off from the world.

Spike interjected, “Some furniture? The girl practically bought me out Red, we were just going to go out and grab a bite to eat, you girls fancy tagging along?”

Willow shook her head, “Sorry no can do, me and Anya just ordered in, we have to do some inventory today and she’s being a slave driver.”

“Slaves don’t get to pee all willy-nilly when they please Willow, I’ve let you go twice today and you’ve only been here for four hours.”

“Case and point” Willow laughed and looked at the two blondes. True, Buffy didn’t look her smashing self, her roots were a few inches long and she’d lost the golden tint to her skin that being outside so often with Angel had given her but the dullness in her eyes seemed to have dissipated, even if only a little and she was genuinely pleased to see it.

“By the way Anya, I own this place too; I can pee when I want.”

Buffy and Spike had called out a goodbye when it looked like the two shopkeepers were about to get into one of their classic arguments, the door closing as Anya’s “It’s my genius and business savvy that makes us enough to buy the toilet paper you so obviously like to take advantage of” rang through the shop.

Spike looked at Buffy, “Wow”

She laughed good-naturedly, “I know right? Water and vinegar those two. I found it odd when they wanted to open the shop together but it seems to work for them somehow.”

“So how old are you?” she blurted out and then laughed, “I only ask because you look much younger then you must be if you own your own shop and what not” she added.

“I’ll take that as a compliment pet, I’m twenty nine years old. You?”

“Twenty three in a week. So, have antiques always been your passion?”

“God no, ten years ago I didn’t appreciate them at all, wood was just wood to me, as you so eloquently pointed out in the shop” he joked.

“So what did you do before this then?”

“I was a police officer.”

She arched a brow, shocked but not at the same time, “I guess I can see that”

“Is that so?”

“Ya, you’ve got that whole bad ass thing going on.”

“How so?”

“Well, you’ve got a little bit of black nail polish on your pinky and there was a long leather duster hanging in the shop next to a pair of doc martins.”

“Good eye”

“I can be observant at times” she answered with a smile.

“Sunday to Friday I was a cop, Saturday nights I was a rebel”, he said it with mirth in his voice and she smiled.

“Must have been quite the heartbreaker.”

“If I was I never knew it, I only had eyes for one girl.” He stopped walking and held open the door to the small cozy looking pizza parlor, “Pizza okay?”

“Sounds great” she said, offering a thank you when he held open the door for her.




He watched her shovel the pizza into her mouth as if she hadn’t eaten in months and smiled.

“OH my god” she moaned, “I forgot how good pizza could be” she admitted with a smirk before taking another big bite.

“How does one go about forgetting something like that?” he asked casually, not wanting to push her for too much information.

“Well, I’ve literally been living off of Chinese food for the last four months, my stupid brain forgot that I could order something else I suppose” she answered with a giggle.

“So, at the risk of harming a friendship in the making, what brought you to Sunnydale if you didn’t want to see it?”

She put the slice that she was holding down and he was almost sorry to see her stop eating it, she looked so happy when she was.

“Well, I lost my husband…technically my fiancée I suppose; he passed away at the altar.”

Spike blanched and Buffy smiled sadly, not believing she’d told this man, practically a stranger, something so monumental.

To her surprise instead of the normal “I’m sorry for your loss” that she loathed hearing he smiled gently, “Well, he was your husband in every sense of the word it would seem, since when does saying I do make a lover more permanent except for on paper?”

She smiled, “Exactly, I mean I won’t go around telling people I’m a widower, but he had my heart, still does.”

“A part of him always will I suspect”

She nodded, “I think Willow just wants me to get over it but I don’t think she’ll understand, it was like…like I was in heaven I was pulled away from it.”

“Have you told her that?”

“No, she can never know, she’d probably try to do a spell on me” Buffy joked, surprised she could.

“Well, given enough time…”

She cut him off, “Please don’t say the clichéd ‘you’ll get over it’”

“I wasn’t going to, you never truly get over a loss like that, but you’ll move on and that won’t mean you’ll forget. Love isn’t brains Buffy, it’s blood, screaming inside you to work it’s will and one day you’ll wake up and realize that you’ve found someone else to share your life with, and it will hurt like a bitch because you think you’re dishonoring your loved and lost, but you’re not, you’re living, so that one of you is living. Life isn’t always bliss, life is just this.” He said and nodded his head towards the other people in the restaurant, some people alone, some in groups, some on their phone, some picking up their food to bring it home and eat in front of their television alone or share it with someone else.

She swallowed the lump in her throat and tried to force a laugh but it came out more of a sob, “Wow, seems like I’ve found the local expert on tragedy. Tell me Spike, what makes you so sure I’ll ever love again?” she asked with no small amount of sarcasm, upset that he thought himself able to understand her even a little.

“I have to believe it.”

“Why?” she prompted.

“Because if I don’t I might as well have died with my wife.”

Buffy’s eyes widened and misted over.

“I’m sorry, I can be such a selfish bitch, like I’m the only one in the world who knows loss.”

Spike just shook his head and gave a small but genuine smile, “You’re not a bitch, you’re still grieving. Some sarcasm from time to time is bound to happen, especially when you’ve locked yourself away from people and are just getting back into the swing of things.”

“Was that a dig at my hermit-ism?”

“A little, but somehow I feel justified in teasing a bit”, he added a wink to let her know he really wasn’t mad at her outburst.

They both picked up another slice and ate in silence until the pizza was gone.

Spike wiped his mouth and looked at her, “You’re the only person who hasn’t immediately asked what happened to my wife.”

Buffy shrugged, “If it’s my business I’m sure you’ll make it my business, I’d like us to be friends and I don’t want to push you.”

“She committed suicide.”

Buffy’s eyes widened but she stayed silent, if he wanted to go on he would. And he did.

“Her name was Druscilla, I called her Dru. She was my dark princess but the dark got a hold of her. She was seeing therapists, I went with her every other day, just tried to be there as much as I could, you know?”

Buffy nodded.

“But it wasn’t enough I suppose. I know she loved me with all she could but she wasn’t well, and she loved the darkness more. She wasn’t the regular type of depressed – if there is such a thing; she just didn’t want to be alive, kept talking about how death wasn’t the end just a new beginning. Mentally she’d never been well but you can’t help who you love I suppose. She did it when I was at work, when the call came over the radio it didn’t even register that I was on my way to my house before I got there. She had called it in, told the dispatcher to tell me she loved me with her last breath. I was the first one to find her. After that, well, I came here” he finished with the saddest smile Buffy had ever seen.

“I’m not going to say something trite like ‘I’m sorry for your loss’ Spike, there are no words that will console you.”

He nodded softly and she continued.
“But I will say I’m happy that you know she loved you, sick or not, and that you loved her too.”

“Thank you.”

“Come on, I’ll walk you back to the shop, no one will attack you with the hermit Summers at your side.”

He couldn’t help but laugh as he threw some money on the table and gave the owner a small wave before leaving. “I won’t argue with you there, your hair looks like a bloody birds nest.”

Buffy’s hands flew to her head and she laughed, REALLY laughed and it felt fantastic. “Why didn’t anyone tell me?”

“I suspect it’s funnier not to.”

Buffy swatted him and stepped into the sunny streets, taking a moment to bask in its warming rays.

“I’ve been inside for so long, it’s easy to forget how going out can make you feel so good.”

“I know what you mean.” Spike agreed.

Buffy raised an eyebrow, “Don’t you dare tell me you go out often, you’re too pale to have been in the sun anytime recently.”

Spike chuckled, “Hey now, I didn’t say I go out during the day, sassy bint.”

“I don’t know what that means but I’m going to take offence.”

“Do what you will, just brush your hair first ok?”

And then, for reasons unknown to the both of them, he ran away laughing like a kid and she couldn’t help but chase, another small part of their grief giving way to the light of a new day and new friends.



Anya and Willow watched from behind the windows of the Magic Box and smiled.

“I told you raven feathers wouldn’t work as well as canary feathers.” Anya said smugly.

Willow took a deep breath and sighed, “Anya, I keep telling you, we’re not real witches and I wasn’t doing a spell, I was reciting the inventory’s Latin names so I could practice for my class tonight.”

“Say whatever you want Willow, but when’s the last time we saw either of them look even remotely happy?”

Willow nodded, “I know. It’s nice to see them together like that. I think they could both use a new friend right now.”

“I think they could both use an orgasm”

“Oh my goddess Anya, is that necessary?”

“I tend to believe orgasms usually are or else what’s the point?”

A small cough brought their eyes down to the little girl holding a small unicorn figurine.

“What’s an orgamin?”

Willow closed her eyes and prayed to whatever goddess was listening for help.

Anya smiled and knelt down, “Well sweetie, first off it’s not called an orgamin it’s called…”



Outside:

Buffy and Spike stopped running when they got to his shop, breathless and laughing.

“I can’t believe we just did that” she gasped out.

“Was a bit odd wasn’t it ducks?” he chuckled after taking a few deep breaths.

“Odd, but definitely of the good. Back to work for you?”

He ran a hand through his hair and mock-sighed, “Ya, but I don’t wanna’.”

“Thank you for everything today Spike, I had a really good time.”

“I did too. If I’m not overstepping my boundaries, do you think we could go for a movie and coffee later this week?”

Buffy struggled with an answer, and seeing her like that saddened him.

“All friendly, with only friendly intentions, I promise. I just like your company.”

“I like yours too and honestly I don’t know why the idea is bugging me, I would love to get to know you better but…”

“But you feel like you’re betraying him?”

She nodded softly. “I’m sorry but I can’t.”

“I understand, I do hope to see you from time to time though, have a good day Buffy Summers.”

She smiled and turned to walk away, when a large lighting bolt flashed through the sky and it began to rain. She wasn’t overly spiritual, but for some reason she felt as though Angel was trying to tell her something, something she couldn’t see through her grief and something she couldn’t want through her pain – live, be happy – the rain seemed to tell her.

She turned to Spike and smiled, “Is it too late to change my mind?”

Spike nodded his head in mock seriousness, “Yes, in the last 15 seconds I’ve decided to rebuke my invitation.”

She laughed, “How about Saturday night, around 8 o’clock?”

“Sounds good, now get in or you’ll end up soaked”

Buffy shook her head ‘no’, “I haven’t felt the rain in months, see you Saturday.”

A smile graced his lips as he watched her walk away, not knowing what had changed her mind but not dwelling on it either, he enjoyed her company and was glad to be able to get more of it, and that was that.

A chill went through him and he looked around, almost expecting to see someone as he remembered his mothers words from so long ago, ‘the rain holds many spirits William, each drop a voice that can be heard if you only listen’.

Had Buffy heard something? Her change of mind had certainly seemed to come out of thin air or so it had seemed at least. He turned around and entered store, trying to shake the feeling that something huge was coming.

Buffy hummed to herself as she cleaned the empty house, not only had she refused to leave its walls for months – she had refused to do any cleaning except taking out the garbage bags.

She blew a strand of hair from her sweaty face, she only had the floors left to do before the Oz’s painters came to paint all the walls a crisp white, she had opted for no color on them as the furniture was all black – every last piece of it. They would finish in time for the delivery of the furniture she had bought from Spike that would arrive Sunday afternoon.

An hour later she found herself flopped across the air mattress when the doorbell rang

She sighed and trudged over to it and was pleased to see Spike on the other side.

“’Lo almost neighbor, mind if I come in?”

“Sure, forgive the lack of anything to sit on, but the floors are clean”

He laughed and she noticed the brightly wrapped box in his hand.

“Ooooh, present?”

“I found this in the shop in one of the storage boxes I was going through, thought it might go well with your new furniture.

“Thank you so much, that’s so thoughtful.”

“My pleasure” he answered, handing it over, “Dig in”

He couldn’t help but laugh at the child-like enthusiasm she showed while ripping the paper off and the happy squeal she let out when she saw it.

It was a beautiful small jewelry chest, obviously old, and obviously costly.

“I can’t accept this” she breathed out.

“Well I can’t take it back”

She looked at him quizzically, and he smiled, “I have a strict no-returns policy.”

She smiled and he noticed that when she did her whole face lit up.

“Thank you so much, I’ll treasure it.”

“So, do I get the grand tour?”

Just then the doorbell rang a second time, heralding the arrival of Oz and his painting crew.

Buffy looked at Spike apologetically, “Sorry, can it wait another day or two?”

Spike looked around, “Where are you going to sleep?”

“On the floor, same place for months now, I’m sure I’ll survive.” she teased.

He shook his head with a small smile, “Won’t the paint get to you?”

“OH SHIT”

“Look, if you’d like, I’ll give you the keys to my new place since its just right across the street, I’ll bring your mattress over later tonight, then you can sleep paint fume free.”

“Where will you sleep?”

“I still have a bed in the shop on the lowest level.”

“You sure you don’t mind?”

“I wouldn’t have offered if I did.”

He walked to the door and she followed him, “I gotta’ go, I’ve got some paperwork to finish up, but I’ll see you tomorrow?”

“Ya, any idea what to go see?”

“Not yet no, but we’ll figure it out.”

“Thanks again Spike” she added when he handed her the keys and grabbed her mattress, explaining it was easier to move it now.

“No worries; have a good night.”

She smiled and waved once he was in his new place and closed the door behind her, looking at the guys setting up for a long evening of painting.



She had to admit he had a beautiful house as she explored it that evening, the living room was a flat charcoal gray with a hint of purple making the walls look like dusk. The layout, she quickly realized, was identical to hers, right down to the in ground pool in the backyard. The air mattress had been left in what she assumed would be his room once he moved in. Much like the living room the walls were a flat paint, but a deep black instead of gray. It didn’t appear overwhelming though because of the large double window letting in the moonlight.

She grabbed her towel from her duffel bag and went to take a shower, a slice of jealously going through her when she realized that where she had a guestroom he had a double bathroom with a claw foot tub in front of the window and a shower in the corner. She opted to take a bath and stripped down to sit in it while it filled with the warm relaxing water.

She was glad to have met him, he was one of the few genuinely nice guys she’d met in her life and he understand what it was like to lose someone you thought you would spend your whole life with.

She let herself soak up the warmth of the water and moaned softly at her tight muscles finally losing some of the tension they’d been holding since Angel’s passing.

Four months, it wasn’t a long enough time to grieve, but it was far too long to hide herself from the world.


Across town:

Spike was fully sprawled on the small mattress, eyes staring up at the dark ceiling. Dru used to see stars; all he could see were cracks. He smiled at the memory, it was one of the better ones but before long he found himself thinking about Buffy.

Something about her had drawn him in immediately, of course he didn’t know her well but he hoped to. She seemed kind, if not peculiar, and so in need of help it broke his heart.

Maybe he could convince Anya and Willow to make sure they got her out of the house once a week at least, even if for a short lunch somewhere.

Or maybe they could help her find a job, if she felt like working.

He remembered what it had been like losing Dru, the stupor he’d been in for almost a year. It took time, and lots of it, to deal with loss properly, but that’s how it had to be done. You couldn’t rush those things.

It had been almost two years since Dru’s death, and he hadn’t even entertained the idea of dating until recently and the idea unnerved him still. Which is one of the reasons why he’d suggested a completely platonic outing with Buffy, he knew what she was going through and she also understood where he was coming from.

Platonic feelings or not, he couldn’t deny how beautiful she was even when a disheveled mess.

Buffy looked around her freshly painted first floor, Oz and his guys had done a fantastic job. Tonight they would do the upstairs and that would be that…except for the massive amount of unpacking and arranging furniture she had to do tomorrow. At least she had tonight to relax with Spike and with a start she realized she wasn’t nervous at all even though…well, to be blunt, even though no friendship between a woman and a man was ever 100% platonic, in her opinion at least.

She threw on some fresh clothes and headed out to surprise Willow with some coffee, the poor girl had to work Saturday mornings or suffer the wrath of an orgasm-less Anya because, apparently – though no one had asked for this bit of information – Xander was frisky Saturday mornings, something about the cartoons. Buffy smiled despite the shudder factor.

The bell jingled above the door to the Magic Box signaling her apparently much needed arrival.

“Buffy…coffee…thank goddess.”

Buffy laughed and handed her friend the steaming cup while taking a seat at the empty stores only table.

After a few sips Willow smiled and sat down across from her. “Thank you so much for the coffee, and for coming to see me, I’m so bored.”

Buffy smiled, “You’re welcome, I felt like taking a walk anyway and I thought I’d stop in, see how you’re doing.”

“I’m good, just tired. I had a super late night doing inventory.”

Buffy winced, “Ouch.”

“So what did you do last night?”

“I slept at Spike’s.”

Willow’s jaw dropped, “What?”

“Oh my god, no, nothing like that. He’s still sleeping at the shop and Oz and the guys were painting my apartment so I took his offer to crash at his place…his very empty place,” she added for emphasis.

Willow laughed, “Sorry Buffy, I shouldn’t have assumed, not that I would be against you and Spike though”.

“What do you mean?”
“I mean you seem happy when you’re around him, that’s all. And considering the fact that you’ve barely even called in the last four months, let alone dropped by to bring me surprise coffee – which somehow tastes better than ‘I know its coming coffee’ by the way – I just think you being around him is good.”

Buffy smiled and nodded, “It is good, I mean so far at least, I don’t really know him well, but I’d like to”.

“You think it might go somewhere?”

“I don’t know Wills, I can’t really tell right now, it’s too soon on too many levels, but I like him. He seems like a really decent person.”

“He is. He’s always doing little things for me and Anya like coffee runs if the shop’s too busy, or moving boxes if they’re too heavy for us. It’s a big help to have a guy around sometimes.”

“Xander doesn’t help?”

Willow rolled her eyes, “I think it’s best for everyone, everyone meaning me, if he stays away from here…I don’t think my brain can handle another round of ‘block out that sound coming from the basement’ again,” she finished with a smile that looked suspiciously like a wince.

“I’m seeing Spike tonight, we’re going to dinner and a movie,” Buffy said quietly, fiddling with the almost empty cup in her hand.

Willow’s eyes widened, “Really? That’s great”.

Buffy smiled, “I had said no originally”.

“What changed your mind?”

“It’s going to sound crazy Wills,” Buffy began with a sigh.

“You’re talking to a girl who works in a magic shop and belongs to a Wicca group, try me,” the redhead encouraged.

Buffy searched her friends eyes before answering, “Angel told me to”.

Willow smiled, “That’s not crazy Buffy, and I’m a firm believer that love can transcend even death. How did he tell you?”

“It rained as soon as I said no.”

“You and Angel loved to walk in the rain”, Willow said with a soft nostalgic smile, “I miss him too, and I do think that was a sign”.

Buffy’s eyes misted, “There was this breeze before the rain fell and for a moment I felt okay…and I’m sorry I haven’t been around, I know you miss him, he loved you”.

“That’s what moving on with your life – and I don’t mean forgetting – is Buffy, a series of moments where you feel okay until those moments overshadow the ones where you don’t.”

“It hurts so much though Willow.”

“I suspect it will for a long time…especially once you feel like it would be ‘okay’ to move on.”

Buffy looked up, “Spike said the same thing”.

Willow nodded, “I guess he would, having gone through a loss similar to yours”.

“He told you about it?”

“Ya…I can’t imagine going through what you two have gone through.”

“I hope you never have to,” Buffy replied honestly. “Onto happier things though, what does a girl wear on a platonic date?”

“I would go for casual, jeans and a nice top, OH, and keep your hair up! Buffy hair down is way too sexy.”

Buffy snorted and swatted her friends arm, “You’re crazy Willow”.

“Just a little, but I’m also right. Your hair could make a vampire change his ways just to be able to touch it”.

“Wow, you’ve been reading way too many romance novels Willow, and from the sounds of it, one’s meant for pre-teens.”

It was Willow’s turn to snort, “You know me way too well”.

Buffy stood up and Willow walked her to the door, “Call me tomorrow, let me know how the night went?”

“Of course I will, I hope your day gets less boring sweetie”, Buffy said, giving her friend a tight hug before walking out the door.

Willow had just pulled out the hidden romance novel from her bag when the door jingled, signaling a new arrival.

“Spike? What are you doing here?”

“You have to help me Red, what the fuck does a guy wear on a date that says ‘I’m not trying to sleep with you!’?”

Willow burst out laughing, “Well, you definitely have to wear your hair up”.

Spike tilted his head and stared at her, “You’re a strange bird Red; you know that?”



Que Sera Sera
Whatever will be, will be
The future’s not ours to see
Que Sera Sera

Buffy gave herself one last look in the mirror. Her now all blonde hair (sans roots) was pulled back into a low ponytail and the only makeup on her freshly exfoliated face was some lip gloss and just a touch of mascara. She’d opted to wear a pair of comfortable jeans and a red halter top she’d had in her closet for months, never worn. She decided she looked good but not too good, which was just perfect for this nights situation.

Humming to herself she grabbed her keys and walked out the front door, only to run into Spike.

“You look stunning,” he blurted out and she couldn’t help but smile at his praise.

“Thank you, to be honest, so do you.”

He too was wearing comfortable jeans and a fitted white short sleeved top that she couldn’t help but notice accentuated his lean but muscular torso. His platinum blonde hair was slicked back and a silver chain adorned his neck. This man was incredibly hot, without having to try at all. ‘Must be nice to have to put zero effort into looking that good’ she thought to herself, not knowing that forty minutes of Spikes time had been put to use trying to tame his unruly curls.

“I thought I was meeting you at the restaurant?” she added.

“You were, but then I came by the house to put some things in the basement before I moved in this weekend and thought we could just go together, I’ll drive you back of course.”

“Sounds like a plan to me, let’s go, I hunger” she said with an easy grin, which was instantaneously reciprocated.

He opened the car door for her before getting in himself and they were at the restaurant in less than 10 minutes.

***

“Oh my god, that has to be the best thing I’ve ever put in my mouth,” Buffy gushed, blushing seconds later at his smirk and raised eyebrow. “Wow, pervert much?” she teased.

“ME?” he asked indignantly, but the chuckle that followed showed his amusement. “I’m not the one groaning around a piece of pie in my mouth and saying lewd things.”

She couldn’t help it and laughed, the night had been so easy going and fun.

She wiped her mouth and put her napkin down, “I have to thank you Spike.”

He tilted his head, “For what?,” he asked around a mouthful of his own desert.

“For taking me out, for getting me going again.”

“Did that yourself pet, you came into my store ready for changes.”

She nodded, “Yes, yes I did…but you got me out of my habits, like eating alone, never socializing…so, thanks.”

He smiled at her sincerely, “Well, I still think it was all you, but your welcome. I suppose I should thank you too. It’s been a long time since I’ve been able to enjoy the company of a girl and not feel like I’m betraying Dru, you make it easy for me to be happy…that make sense?”

“It does…I feel the same way. I think this could be the beginning of…”, she searched her mind for the right term, not necessarily wanting to say friendship but not knowing what label to put on the tiny feelings he was sparking to life in her.

“The start of something…sounds like the perfect sentence to me, should end it there,” he said with a friendly wink and a smile and she nodded her agreement.


Once the plates were cleared and the bill taken care of Buffy stood and stretched. “I am Soooo full right now” she said with a giggle that made his heart jump a little, “I know we took your car but is there any way you would like to walk me home instead, I’m in bad need of some exercise right now,” she patted her still smooth tummy as if that could prove her comment right.

“Sure thing, shall we away?” he asked with a goofy smile, offering her his arm, which she took without hesitation.

“S’windy tonight”, he unhooked his arm from Buffy’s and slid his coat off, wrapping it over her shoulders and smiled back at her ‘thank-you-smile’, he’d been smiling a lot tonight and it felt wonderful.

“Do you believe in soul-mates and all that stuff?” Buffy asked after walking down a block in silence.

He took a moment to roll the question around in his head before answering.

“I do, but I don’t believe in only one.”

“S’plainy?”, he snorted at her terrible use of the English language and continued.

“I don’t believe in a world that would give us one shot at true love, true happiness, only to take it away so early. I can’t believe in a world that has no one else for me, or you.”

“I want to say I disagree,” he heard her saying softly, “I want to say that I’ll never love anyone else the way I loved him, or how much I loved him, but I can’t, and I feel like saying that makes him seem like he meant less to me than he did” her eyes misted softly and his heart bled a little for her and her wounds, wounds he himself knew well.

“I don’t think you ever love someone the same way as you loved someone else Buffy, love is different between different people, it isn’t a static entity. There will be different fights, different things that make you laugh, different things that make you cry, and a thousand things in life that will make you smile, and some of them will overlap with the memories you have of him, and some won’t, and that will be when you realize you’re in love again, and it will hurt and feel so incredible at the same time that you won’t know what to do. Love is… it’s…love is…”

“What?”, she asked just as softly as she’d spoken.

“Love isn’t brains Buffy,”, he said with a small sigh as he ran a hand over his slicked hair, “it’s blood, screaming inside you to work its will, and if you‘re lucky enough to hear it then you have a chance at…something.”

“There’s that word again…something” she said, giving him a small smile and giving his arm a light squeeze.

“So, this is me,” she said with a giggle, pointing to his house since she’d be staying there one more night.

He laughed and held out his hand for her to shake, which she did before running up the stairs. She was about to open the door when a breeze went by, chilling her and warming her all at once, it seemed to say ‘it’s okay Buffy, it’s okay’.
When the first rain drops hit the ground she ran down the stairs, “Spike” she yelled to his retreating figure, halting him.

He turned to face her, the rain running lightly down his face though he didn’t seem to mind, tonight the rain felt cleansing.

Before he could even answer her, her lips pressed against his softly and his hands came up to cup her face as an old car rolled past them, an old song on the radio reaching their ears,

“Que Sera, Sera,
Whatever will be, will be
The future's not ours, to see
Que Sera, Sera
What will be, will be.”

(Doris Day)