Disclaimer: I own nothing…

Summary: Set about three years after the ‘Angel’ finale. Buffy finally finds out that Spike is alive, but can’t handle the fact that he kept it from her, so she runs. Both do their best to move on, but they find that it’s not as easy as it seems…

Rating: R

Author’s Notes: Just to warn everybody, this story does deal with a Buffy/Faith relationship… Hopefully, that won’t discourage any of you from reading it…

Distribution: If ya want it, take it, just give me credit… And, if ya could, let me know where it’s going.

Feedback: You can send it to brock3005@aol.com or otownfan1520@yahoo.com.

With a sharp gasp, Buffy jerked up in bed; the memories bringing tears to her eyes. It had been almost three years since she’d left him, and the memory only got stronger with time. Sometimes she found herself wondering whether she had done the right thing… And Dawn certainly hadn’t agreed with her. She’d said it had been selfish and cruel. That eventually Buffy would regret her decision, but by that time it would be too late… And at times she did regret it. Probably always would…

“Buffy, honey, what’s wrong?”

The gentle voice broke into her thoughts and she smiled softly as she turned to look at the beautiful brunette who lay beside her. “I’m alright, Faith.” she assured her lover as she settled back in beside the younger Slayer. “Just a bad dream.”

“You alright now, baby?” Faith question softly as she moved to wrap her arms around her blonde lover.

When Buffy felt Faith’s arms around her, she tensed noticeably, and then immediately winced. She had done it again. Every time she dreamt about Spike, she would shy away from Faith whenever she attempted to offer any form of physical comfort. And each time, it tore Faith up inside, and that killed Buffy. She hated to hurt Faith, and yet each and every time, she did…

“Right.” Faith muttered resentfully, pulling away from Buffy and throwing the covers off of herself as she climbed out of bed.

“Faith, baby, I’m sorry…” Buffy apologized, her voice pleading as she got out of bed and moved towards the brunette. “Honey, where are you going?” she questioned as she watched Faith throw on one of her too tight t-shirts and a pair of blue jeans. “Faith, stop this. It’s the middle of the night.”

“No offense, B, but I really need to go blow off some steam.” Faith threw back bitterly, turning and moving toward the door.

“Faith, I’m sorry!” Buffy cried out, taking a couple of steps closer to Faith, whose hand was now on the doorknob.

Shaking her head, Faith slowly turned back toward Buffy. “You just don’t get it, do you?! Buffy, I love you, but I don’t particularly enjoy taking a backseat to some guy you dumped almost three years ago!”

“I know that, baby.” Buffy told her soothingly, her voice taking on an almost sensual tone as she moved closer to her lover. Trailing her fingers gently up Faith’s sides, she smiled seductively. “Promise I’ll make it up to you…”

For a moment, Faith fell for it and moved farther into Buffy’s embrace. And when Buffy’s lips met hers, she nearly lost her train of thought completely. But when the blonde pulled away slightly and moved her hand to rest gently against Faith’s cheek as she whispered a soft, ‘I’m sorry’, Faith suddenly remembered exactly why she was angry.

Pulling away almost violently, Faith turned on Buffy, eyes flaring with anger. “I’m sorry!” she mocked harshly, crossing her arms over her chest defensively. “You keep saying that, Buffy! Every single night this happens, and every single night you say sorry! It’s getting kinda old!”

“Faith, would you please just calm down.” Buffy begged, her eyes welling with tears. This certainly wasn’t good. Faith had never been this angry with her… At least not since they’d gotten together…

Taking a deep breath, Faith blinked back her tears and bit her lip in thought. When she looked up at Buffy, she sighed deeply . “You’re right.” she told Buffy calmly, seating herself on the end of the bed. “I’m calm, okay… but I really think we need to have a serious talk about this, Buffy.”

“I know we do.” Buffy agreed softly, sitting down next to the brunette. “And it’s long overdue, it’s just… I don’t know what to say…”

“Honey, I love you. I have for a long time now, but I can’t do this anymore.”

“Faith, I--”

“Do you still love him?” Faith cut her off softly. When Buffy paused for a moment to think about it, Faith shook her head and placed a gentle hand on the blond Slayer’s, entwining their fingers. “Baby, don’t think about it. Just tell me how you feel…”

With a sigh, Buffy glanced down at their joined hands. “Yes. Yes, I still love him.” she looked back up, locking eyes with Faith, her tears threatening to fall at any moment. “But that doesn’t mean I don’t love you, Faith. Because I do love you… so much…”

“I never doubted that.” Faith assured her with a small smile, as she squeezed Buffy’s hand gently. “But I think you need to find a way to work this whole thing out and decide what you really want. I can’t do this anymore, Buffy. I love you… but I can’t live like this. I can’t stay with you and constantly wonder what would happen if he were to come back.”

Fear filled Buffy’s eyes at Faith’s last comment, and a single tear slipped down her cheek. “Are you saying you’re leaving me?”

“Oh, Buffy… God, no. Baby, that’s not what I meant.” Gently, Faith wiped away Buffy’s tear and let her hand rest on her lover’s cheek. After a moment, seeing Buffy’s uncertainty grow, Faith took the blond into her arms and held her close, stroking her hair soothingly. “I swear to you I won’t leave. I just want you to sort this out. I promise I’ll be right here by your side the whole time. But if you find him, and you decide you want to be with him…” Faith pulled away slightly, locking eyes with the older girl, “I won’t stand in your way, either…”

With a soft smile, Buffy kissed Faith lightly. “I love you, Faith…”

“Love you, too, B…” Moving away from Buffy, Faith made herself comfortable in bed. “How ‘bout we get some sleep…”

“Yeah…” Buffy agreed with a nod and light giggle.

When Faith opened her arms to her lover, Buffy immediately snuggled back into them, enjoying the intimacy they now shared. She hated fighting with Faith, but once they were back to cuddling, she knew everything would be okay…

So with a smile and a goodnight kiss, the two Slayers fell fast asleep in one another’s arms…

~*~*~*~

“Honey, have you seen my coat?!” Spike called, still searching the closet for his trademark leather duster.

His life had changed considerably since he had lost Buffy. For two years, he had been living with his new love, Samantha. Sam was a beautiful, confident, strong woman in her late thirties… She was also the mother of three children. At fifteen, Krystal was the eldest… And a handful. She was rebellious, had difficulty making friends… Which was really nothing new to Spike, considering all the time he’d spent with Dawn over the years… The two youngest were twins, Aiden and Alana. At only four years old, they had instantly bonded with Spike and, for the most part, he was the only father they had ever known…

Most of the time, he was happy here… But there were still those moments when he could think of nothing other than Buffy. In fact, last night had been one of those times. A time when he would dig out the old pictures of his ex, and cry for hours. Sometimes, he would write in a journal he’d kept since the day she’d walked away. There were times he missed her more than he’d ever thought possible. There were times when he was furious with her for walking away. There were times he wished he had never met her… But through it all, he never stopped loving her.

And he never would…

“Honey?!” he called once more, spinning around as he closed the closet doors.

When he glanced up, he met with Sam’s teary eyes. She looked so torn apart, standing there in front of him… She was completely vulnerable, and all he wanted to do was take her into his arms and comfort her. But something was keeping him from doing it…

“Do you have any idea how much this hurts?” Sam questioned, her tears flowing freely as she stared intensely at the man she loved.

It was at that moment that Spike realized exactly what he had done wrong. Grasped tightly in her right hand, Sam held a picture of Buffy. One he had pulled out the night before… And had apparently left out. Which was something he did far more often than he should have. And each time it hurt Samantha all the more.

When it came to Spike’s relationship with Buffy, Sam had never been particularly confident in herself. Though she was beautiful, she failed to understand why in the world Spike would have chosen her over the pretty blond. Despite Spike’s assurance that she was just as beautiful as Buffy, Sam simply couldn’t shake the feeling that she would never live up to Spike’s expectations… And when she found the girl’s pictures lying around her house, it only magnified her feelings of insecurity.

“Sam, honey…” Immediately, he moved to her, his eyes reflecting regret as he attempted to take her into his arms gently. “I’m so sorry…”

When he touched her, however, she pulled away. “Every time…” she murmured, tears slipping slowly from her eyes. “Every time I think you’re over her, I find this! Why can’t you just let her go, Will?! Do you really think so little of me, that you’re going to let me suffer like this for the rest of my life?!”

“Sam, it’s not like that… I love you…” Spike pleaded, placing a gentle hand on her elbow; obviously hurt when she pulled away once more.

“Well, you know, sometimes I just don’t feel that anymore.” she argued, her voice filled with pain as she crossed her arms over her chest defensively. When she saw how wounded he looked, her expression immediately softened and she sighed deeply. “Look, William, I know you love me, and I know you love the kids… but it really does hurt to know that you don’t love us with your whole heart. And that you probably never will. I mean, come on… We’ve been together for two years! And it’s been three since she left you! Can’t you just let her go?”

“It’s not that easy…” Spike told her softly, taking a seat at the kitchen table; Sam sitting next to him after a moment and watching him expectantly. Gently, he took her hand in his and squeezed it lightly. “Sam, honey, I know my feelings for Buffy hurt you, but I can’t just make them disappear. Trust me, I’ve tried that… It doesn’t work that way. Buffy was the first woman I ever truly loved, and that’s not something I can just let go of. And it’s not something I want to let go… I’m sorry, Sam, but I love her, and I always will. I won’t just let her go. Not completely… Not the way you want me to…”

For a moment, she remained silent; staring blankly at their joined hands. Then, her eyes met his and she sighed once again. “Will, I think maybe we need a little time apart…” she told him, pulling her hand from his. When she saw the hurt in his eyes, she almost regretted her decision. “Look, I’m not saying it’s over… I’m just saying we need a little time to sort this whole thing out…”

“You’re right…” he agreed reluctantly. “I’ll go get some of my things together and find someplace to stay…”

~*~*~*~

“So…” Faith began, as she leaned against the kitchen counter. “How’re you planning to find him?”

Sighing, Buffy turned to her. “Faith, look, I don’t know--”

“Don’t you dare!” Faith stopped her, glaring when she caught the hesitant tone in her lover’s voice. “You are not going to back out of this!”

“Faith, I don’t think I can do it… I haven’t seen him in years!”

“Damnit, Buffy! That doesn’t matter!” Faith exclaimed, her voice shrill with anger. “You love him, and you need to sort this out! Otherwise, I’m gone!”

“Excuse me?!” Buffy questioned angrily. “Last night, was I just hearing things or did you promise me that no matter what happened, you’d be here beside me?!”

“No!” Faith argued loudly, throwing her arms out in exasperation. “I swore that I would stand by you when you went to see him in order to figure out exactly what it is you want! I am not going to spend the rest of my life playing second best to a man that you’re never going to let go of without some sort of closure!”

For a moment, Buffy just stared at her blankly, unsure of how to answer. It was at that moment that she heard Dawn’s voice break through her thoughts, saving her, at least for the moment…

“Knew we should’ve called first.”

The familiar voice immediately put a smile on Buffy’s face. It had been far too long since she’d seen her baby sister. Since Dawn had finished high school, and started college, her visits had been few and far between. Though she called almost every night, it wasn’t the same as seeing her everyday. Now she knew exactly how her mother must have felt all those years ago when Buffy herself had taken off for college. When Dawn had gone away to college, Michael, her high school boyfriend of almost the entire two years, had followed her there, and very recently, the couple had become engaged.

When Buffy turned to face her sister and Michael, her smile only grew at the sight of the couple who stood there, hand in hand. “Dawnie!” she squealed happily, before sweeping her sister into a bear hug. After releasing Dawn, she moved to hug Michael as well, though much more gently.

Once she had finished laughing at Buffy, Dawn moved to give Faith a hug; afterward shooting her a sympathetic smile. Dawn knew exactly what her sister’s girlfriend had to endure, because, before Faith and Buffy had gotten together, Dawn had been the shoulder to cry on… And then, one day, Faith had finally made the decision that Buffy was going to tell her exactly what was bothering her, no matter what it took… And it had taken a lot. In fact, Faith had very nearly had to beat it out of the older Slayer… But once Buffy had finally let the floodgates open, she had fallen into Faith’s arms, and from that moment on the couple had been all but inseparable. After they had gotten together, Buffy’s spirits had quickly picked up and she had seemed happy again. Everyone who had initially objected (namely Xander and Giles) had reconsidered their position and had decided to accept the relationship. Still, as happy as the two appeared, Dawn knew that below the surface the past was relentlessly torturing the two. Despite Buffy’s love for Faith, Dawn knew that the love her sister felt for Spike was far stronger and always would be… Which was exactly why Dawn had never understood Buffy’s decision to leave him… But when Buffy had made up her mind, there was no arguing with her…

Besides, Dawn wasn’t exactly all too fond of Spike anymore, and she hadn’t been since the day she’d discovered he had come back… Because she hadn’t heard a word from him since…

“Buffy?” Dawn requested gently, pulling her sister’s attention away from Michael. “Could I see you in the other room for a minute? Please…”

It took Buffy a moment to agree, but she quickly covered it up with an artificial smile and stepped into the living room, closely followed by her little sister. “What is it, Dawn?” she questioned in exasperation. She knew exactly what she was going to hear, and she simply didn’t want to.

For a moment, Dawn just studied her sister carefully. It didn’t take long for Buffy to cross her arms over her chest, the maneuver clearly a defense mechanism. “Why were you guys fighting in there?” When Buffy simply bit her lip and let her eyes fall to the floor, Dawn knew that her suspicions had been confirmed. “It was Spike again, wasn’t it?”

“Dawn, I don’t know what to do.” Buffy sighed in defeat, as she fell back into the cushions of the couch, sadness suddenly sweeping over her pretty features. “Faith wants me to see him. She says I should go to him and sort this all out… Dawn, she’s threatening to leave me.”

With a sad, sympathetic smile, Dawn sat beside her sister. “Can you blame her?”

“I know, Dawn. I know that Faith has every right to hate me right now. I know that I’m the one who left him. I know that I’m not supposed to love him anymore… But I do. I can’t help loving him the way I do. Dawnie, I miss him so much, and I know Faith’s right about this, but I don’t even know where to start looking…” Buffy told her sister, her voice desperate with emotion.

After a moment, Dawn’s eyes met with Buffy’s and she reached out and grabbed a pad and pen from the coffee table. Quickly, she jotted down a few short pieces of information, before handing it over to Buffy. “Start there. That’s where he was the last time I called Angel. It’s been awhile, so he may not be anywhere near there, but it’s a start…”

And with that, Dawn stood and moved back out to the kitchen, leaving Buffy to sit and contemplate the information in her hands…

~*~*~*~

With a shaking hand, he raised the phone to his ear, and carefully dialed the numbers. As soon as he heard the first ring, he considered hanging up… However, when he glanced around, he saw nothing but the lonely hotel room that surrounded him, and he wanted nothing more than to be back home, with the family he had come to love… And as much as he wished he could erase Buffy from is mind, he knew that it would never happen. Not as long as he felt there was still some chance for the two of them…

So instead, he stayed on the line… waiting…

When he heard the familiar voice on the other end, he sighed, whether in relief of frustration, even he wasn’t completely sure… “Angel… Yeah, it’s me… Look, I need to find her… I understand that… All I’m looking for is a phone number… Please…” He knew his voice betrayed his desperation, but at that moment, he couldn’t have cared less… He was going to go through with this…

Even if it killed him…

~*~*~*~

For a long time, Buffy simply sat, staring down at the paper in her hand… The paper that would eventually help to determine the rest of her life… Again, and again, she read it over.

This was it… If she dialed that number, and Spike was the one on the other line, there would be no turning back. Then again, she was pretty sure there was already no turning back… She held the key to everything she had ever wanted in the palm of her hand… Even she wasn’t stupid enough to let that go… Not again, anyway…

So with trembling fingers, she carefully dialed the number on the paper in her hand. She was terrified… What if he didn’t want to speak to her? What if he hated her for walking away? And what if he had moved on? Not that she would blame him for doing so… After all, she had done just that after she’d walked out on him…

After a few minutes, however, it became clear to her that no one was going to pick up… And it had Buffy very near to tears. With a frustrated sigh, she slammed down the phone, as she choked out an aggravated laugh. Then, after only moments of thought, she took off up the steps as quickly as she could.

When she came back through the kitchen, her pace hurried and a bag thrown over her shoulder, everyone looked at her as though she had lost her mind. At that moment, however, she couldn’t have cared less. Her mind was made up, and she wasn’t turning back…

“Where’re you going?” Faith questioned, confused.

“New York.” Buffy threw back over her shoulder. “Don’t wait up.”

When Faith turned her confused gaze on Dawn, the younger girl let a small smile slip. “She’s going to find Spike…”

~*~*~*~

It had taken him a long time to convince Angel to give him Buffy’s information, and now that he had it, Spike simply sat and stared at the phone. For hours, he just sat there, unsure of exactly how he should go about this… Though it had taken a lot for him to realize it, he knew now that he wanted nothing more than to see her again. Even if it was only to be sure it was over. He needed closure, and there was only one way to get it…

“Fuck this.” he spat, standing and grabbing his duster from the back of the chair. There was only one way to do this, and it sure as hell wasn’t over the phone…

Grabbing his car keys as he threw open the door, Spike walked briskly down the hall to the elevator. There he waited impatiently, all the fears and emotions rushing through him making him all the more irritable. With a low growl, he hit the button again, his foot tapping loudly on the hard wood floor. Just as he was about to turn and go for the stairs, the doors in front of him slid open, and there before him stood…

“Buffy?”

~*~*~*~

Disclaimer: I own nothing…

Summary: Set about three years after the 'Angel' finale. Buffy finally finds out that Spike is alive, but can't handle the fact that he kept it from her, so she runs. Both do their best to move on, but they find that it's not as easy as it seems…

Rating: R

Author's Notes: Okay, so I actually found the time to finish a chapter… It’s amazing… Sorry it’s been so long. I’ve been busy with college and all… Essays, exams… It’s been crazy… Anyway, I hope you like this chapter. I’m not exactly sure how I feel about it, but I’m always like that… Also, thanks to everybody who reviewed…

Distribution: If ya want it, take it, just give me credit… And, if ya could, let me know where it's going.

When she saw him standing there before her, she couldn’t believe it… At the very least, she had expected to be given a night to prepare for this. She had thought that she would get there, check into a hotel, and in the morning, she would go out and find the address Dawn had given her…

But here he was…

“Spike?” she questioned softly, tears suddenly rushing to her eyes. She did everything she could to hold them back. She was not going to cry in front of him. Not now.

When he saw her eyes well, he wanted nothing more than to gather her into his arms and hold her close until those tears faded… But he couldn’t do that. After all, he hadn’t been the one to leave. It had been her, and now it had to be her again. He refused to be the one to make the first move…

“Buffy?” he choked out, his voice heavy with emotion.

“Hi…” she murmured meekly, her eyes meeting his only briefly before dropping to the floor. Already, she felt the need to run… This was going to be a lot harder than she had originally thought…

“Buffy…” his voice was soft and gentle, though confused. “What’re you doing here, love?”

Upon hearing him call her ‘love’, she let a tiny smile slip onto her lips, and once again she met his eyes. “I’m not sure, really. I just… I know that after what I did to you, you probably didn’t ever want to see me again, but I really just need to talk to you.”

Her eyes were pleading and she looked to be near tears, which was something he had never been able to handle particularly well. As much as he wanted to, however, he didn’t move to take her into his arms. They weren’t together anymore. They hadn’t spoken in nearly three years… It wasn’t his place to offer comfort… But he knew he, too, needed to speak with her… There were a lot of things they needed to discuss… A lot of issues that needed to be worked through, before the two of them could go back to the lives they were trying to lead. So instead, he simply gave her a gentle smile and tilted his head in the direction of his room.

Grateful, Buffy followed, a soft smile touching her own lips…

~*~*~*~

For a long time, the two simply sat, staring at one another; neither knowing where to start…

Finally, it was Spike who broke the silence. “So… Have you been seeing anyone?” Sure, the question was forward, but he needed to know…

Suddenly, she looked more nervous than she had earlier. Her eyes darted everywhere but to his face, and she was rocking back and forth just slightly. “Yeah… I have actually.” Her voice was anything but confident. “I’ve been with Faith for almost two years now…”

“Faith?” he questioned, in slight confusion. “You mean Faith… The other Slayer, Faith… The one I met before Sunnydale collapsed?” When she nodded in affirmation, his only reaction was a simple, “Wow…”

“Yeah… Wow…” Buffy agreed, nodding her head slowly and continuing to avoid his eyes. Somehow, in her rush to find him, she had completely forgotten that it would be necessary to inform him of her relationship with the brunette Slayer… Someone Spike had never exactly gotten along with…

After a moment of prolonged, awkward silence, Spike broke it with a quiet, “So…”, which made things no less awkward for Buffy.

Still, she was silent… Unsure of what to say. What do you say after telling your ex that you’ve been sleeping with another woman… Especially a woman who used to be one of your worst enemies… Not exactly something that’s going to bode well for her relationship with Spike.

It didn’t take her long to snap out of it, however, once she realized that he had yet to answer the same question. “What about you?” she asked then, her eyes finally raising to meet with his. “Are you seeing anyone?”

Again, the air was filled with a short uncomfortable silence, until Spike broke it very reluctantly. “Yeah…” He nodded; his words quiet. “Her name’s Sam. Been with her for about two years. She’s got three kids… Krystal, Aiden, and Alana. They’re pretty much my life now.”

“Wow…” It was the only reply that came to her mind, and she immediately smiled shyly and ducked her head when she caught his duplicate smile. She had missed him so much… But it was certainly not a comfortable situation by any means.

“Hard to believe, huh? Me, a daddy? Don’t think anybody saw that one coming.” he replied with another, more confident smile and a light chuckle.

Ducking her head shyly once more, she fidgeted slightly with her hands. “I did…” When he gave her a curious look, she smiled lightly, tears quickly forming in her eyes. “I mean, I didn’t foresee this, exactly… Obviously… But I used to dream about it. About us… Having a family. A little girl with your eyes and my hair… And a little boy with your curls and my nose… Every night I dreamt about it. About the two of us having a normal little family, in a house with a white picket fence…” For a moment she paused, her eyes lifting to lock with his. “Did you ever wish for that?”

When he was silent, his eyes soft with sympathy, she laughed lightly, a hint of bitterness breaking through. “Or maybe I was the only one who saw it… Who wanted it… Because I did you know? More than anything, I wanted it… But we were never given that chance. Probably never will be. Especially now… But I wanted it…” For a short moment, she paused, looking thoughtful, and then, out of nowhere, she locked eyes with him, her voice turning soft and questioning. “Are you where you want to be?”

There was so much sadness in her voice… So much pain it her eyes… It tore him apart to see her this way. To watch her sitting there in front of him and know that nothing could come of them… Not ever again. Now, in his new life, he was happy. Of course there were times when he missed her like crazy. Who wouldn’t? She was strong, beautiful, confident… She was everything he had ever wanted… But so was Sam. And Sam hadn’t been the one to walk out on him. For years she had stuck by him, helping him through his pain as best she could and he owed her for that… And the kids… He couldn’t just leave them all behind to run into the arms of his former love… He couldn’t…

But that didn’t stop him from wishing…

“Buffy, I love her.” He began gently, his voice sympathetically soothing. “Maybe not as much as I love you, but I do love her. And I owe her too much to just walk out now…”

“So you’re settling…” she stated, her voice cold and unfeeling. “You’re settling for her because you couldn’t have me… Well, guess what, Spike! I’m right here! I’m here and I love you, and I want you to come back to me…”

“This isn’t only about you, Buffy! It’s so much more than that!” he exclaimed angrily, propelling himself from his seat and beginning to pace rapidly across the floor. “This time, for me, it has to come back to Sam… And have you even considered how Faith is going to feel?! Honestly, Buffy, I thought you were over this ‘it’s-all-about-me’ phase. I have been helping this woman raise three children. I have been by her side for two years. I have been doing everything in my power to help her out of the depression that she fell into after her husband died… I love her! Buffy, you may not like it, but this time, yes… This time, I’m settling… I can’t just leave her.”

Angrily, Buffy stood; stepping into his path and stopping him in his tracks. “You think I haven’t considered how Faith is going to feel about this?! I’ve spent the last two years keeping myself from hunting you down simply because of the pain it would’ve caused her! I tried everything, everything to keep you off of my mind and out of my heart, but no matter what I did… No matter how hard I tried, you were always there! Every night I would dream about you… About that night… About where you were… About us… About what could’ve been… Every night you were there, haunting my dreams! Every night!” she exclaimed, her tears on the verge of pouring down her pretty cheeks. Suddenly, her voice got quiet and her eyes dropped to the floor as she murmured her final argument, her body dropping limply to the couch behind her. “I don’t know if I can live without you…”

When he heard her say those words, his eyes fell to the ground as they clouded with tears. He knew exactly how she felt. Knew what it was like to want nothing more than to let go, because the one you loved was incapable of returning that love. Knew what it was like to lose the only person in the world who meant more to you than anything… And he knew that he was ripping her heart to shreds right now… He loved her more than anything and the fact that there was nothing he could do to keep himself from hurting her right now killed him… But no matter how much he loved Buffy, he couldn’t walk out on Sam… Not now…

“Don’t say that.” he murmured softly, looking up at her.

As she finished wiping away the tears that were spilling down her cheeks, her eyes swept up to meet his. What else could she say? It was exactly what she was feeling. “I know you don’t want to hear this, and I swear I’m not trying to guilt you into giving in, it’s just… I miss you, Spike. And I hate this. I hate knowing that it’s my fault you’re gone. That I’m the one who broke your heart and walked away, and now it’s too late. I love you so much, and yet I pushed you away… Pushed you into the arms of another woman, and I can’t take that back anymore, no matter how much I want to… You’re in love with her, and I missed my chance. I get that…”

As she finished speaking, she slowly stood, wiping violently at the tears that kept spilling from her eyes. Straightening her clothes and gathering her bearings, she quickly made a move for the door, and the moment she did, Spike’s hand shot out to stop her; latching on to her arm and holding her there.

“Where’re you going?” he questioned gently.

“This was a mistake.” she told him; her tone firm, though her eyes betrayed her. “I never should’ve come here… Never should’ve thought this could work. I had this fantastic idea in my head that I’d knock on your door, and you’d sweep me into your arms and kiss me senseless and we wouldn’t need words. Like this was some damn fairytale fantasy, and your life wouldn’t have changed a bit, and you’d just be sitting here waiting for me to run back into your arms… God! How stu--”

She didn’t get the chance to finish what she was saying, as Spike pulled her into his arms and kissed her deeply. Immediately, she fell against him, returning the kiss with enthusiasm. However, it didn’t take long for her to realize exactly what was happening and once she had, she quickly pulled away from him, her eyes wide with question. Hadn’t he just gotten through telling her that they could never be? And now here he was kissing her breathless and holding her like she was everything.

“What is this?!” she questioned, her voice full of hurt and anger. If this was just some attempt at revenge, she wasn’t going to take it. If he was going to kiss her like that, it was damn sure going to mean something, because she refused to be taken advantage of. Not now. Not with him. Not when she loved him more than her own life…

For a moment, his eyes registered shock, and then they dropped to the floor, as he suddenly became aware of what exactly he had just done. He hadn’t meant to do that… Not that he hadn’t wanted to more than anything, but he refused to lead her on. As much as he loved Buffy, Sam was his world now…

“I’m sorry…” he quickly amended softly. “I shouldn’t have… I didn’t mean to… God, Buffy, I’m sorry…”

Gently, she pressed her fingers against his lips to silence him. She didn’t want an apology; she wanted an explanation… “What is this?” This time her voice was soft, gentle… pleading. She needed to know…

“God… I don’t know…” he told her, choking back the tears that threatened to overcome him. “All I know is I miss you. I miss you, and I want you, and love you… But I can’t have you. Not like this. Not now… And it’s killing me…”

She watched as he collapsed onto the couch; head back, arm thrown across his eyes… And in that moment, she couldn’t quite understand exactly what he was telling her, because he was here and she was standing right in front of him and all she knew was that he had just told her that he missed her and he wanted her and he loved her…

“Why?” her voice was soft, soothing, as she sat beside him, reaching for his hand and pulling it away from his eyes; holding it is hers. “Why not like this? Why not now? Spike I know you love me… I love you, too. And I know you’ve moved on… I know you have a brand new life now. So do I… But why not tonight? Just tonight… All I’m asking for is one night… One chance to show you that I really do mean it when I tell you I love you…” Gently, she kissed the palm of his hand; her fingers coming to rest on his cheek, her thumb gently caressing. “One night, Spike… Just one… Let me show you…”

Strangely, the emotions in his eyes weren’t nearly as conflicting as she had thought they would be. It only took a moment before his eyes swept up to meet hers, and all she saw there was vulnerability. After a moment, he took a deep breath, before letting a tiny smile slip onto his lips.

“Do you really mean it?” The question was soft, his voice full of the insecurities that he had held inside for nearly four years… Ever since Sunnydale had collapsed around him… “Do you really love me?”

With a small smile of her own, she scooted closer to him; her lips brushing his softly. “More than life itself… Now let me show you…” she murmured against his lips, before she closed the distance between them once more; this time kissing him with everything she had in her. It was slow and sweet and at the same time passionate and demanding as she moved to straddle him, pressing her body to his; begging him to let her in.

When she felt him pushing her away just slightly, she let him go; preparing herself for the worst, fully expecting him to push her off of him and order her out of his life forever. She was surprised, however, when his hands held firmly to her hips and kissed her gently once more in reassurance.

“Bedroom.” he murmured softly, as he reached up to brush her hair from her eyes; his hand coming to rest at her cheek. “Not gonna make love to you for the first time here on some crummy couch… I want it to be perfect…”

Tears filled her eyes, and she turned her head just slightly to kiss his palm once more; a smile lighting her pretty features. “I love you…” she whispered, resting her forehead against his.

“Love you, too, baby… Always…”

~*~*~*~