--


Note: Set pre-Once More With Feeling.

--

It’s the little things that convince her she’s come back wrong. She finds herself getting agitated if her hair is in her face, when it never bothered her before.

Before she died, her favourite ice-cream flavour had been mocha-chip swirl. Now she finds her stomach turning at the taste.

And once the smell of cigarettes caused her to turn her nose away to fresher air; now she breathes it in deep, letting it calm her.

--


Buffy looked after Amy, pensive.

“So, what were you gonna tell me? You were sounding all serious,” Willow said with a sincerity that made Buffy wince inwardly.

“Huh? Oh. Uh, it's nothing. I mean, the whole Amy, rat, Amy thing...no way I'm toppin' that.”

Willow gave her a small smile as Buffy distractedly left the bedroom. Not knowing quite what to do with herself, she wandered downstairs towards the sound of the television.
She encountered Amy, who was feasting on a huge plate of cookies.

“Hey,” Buffy said. Amy looked up, popped the last piece of a cookie into her mouth, and muted the TV. “How you doin'? Need anything?”

“No, thanks. Good cookies.” Amy smiled.

Buffy smiled back and a beat passed before Amy said softly:

“Sorry about your mom.”

“Thanks.”

“It's crazy, all the things that've happened since I went away.”
“No kidding.”

“Snyder got eaten by a snake...high school got destroyed...”

“Oh, Gatorade has a new flavor. Blue.”

“See? Head spinning. She shook her head with good humour. “Willow's dating girls...and did you hear about Tom and Nicole?!”

Buffy smiled and nodded.

“So...what’s new with you?” Amy looked at her and broke another cookie into pieces.
Buffy shrugged and thought why the hell not?

“I’ve been illicitly kissing a vampire behind my friends’ backs because it’s the only thing that’s made me feel something since I got back from the afterlife--which is actually a rather nice place--and my little sister doesn’t do anything to help out, and my father figure has left the country because he thinks it’ll make me stronger.”

Buffy gasped in some air and sat down next to Amy, whose eyes were wide with interest.
“That’s...a loaded answer.”

“I know...sorry, I didn’t mean to...”

“Illicitly kissing a vampire? Sounds like some sort of romance novel. I missed romance novels.”

“It’s not...really not like a romance novel.”

“It’s not?” Amy asked curiously.

“It’s more, he loves me and I don’t want to love him but I keep kissing him even though I know I shouldn’t.”

“And...that’s not romance novelly?” Amy asked sarcastically.

Buffy shrugged again.

“Why don’t you ‘want to love him’?”

Buffy sat back and thought for a minute. Amy quietly ate another cookie.

“I... He's everything I hate. He's everything that...I'm supposed to be against. But the only time that I ever feel anything is when I’m with him...Don't tell anyone, please.”

“I won't tell anyone. Is...he is a good vampire right?”

“Yeah. He’s...a good guy, technically.”

“Is he hot?”

Buffy couldn’t stop the grin from spreading over her face.

“Definite yes.”

“Do you love him?”

Buffy’s grin faded and she was quiet for an extended silence, her gaze blank in the direction of the TV.

“I don’t know. I like him sometimes.”

Buffy looked quickly at Amy as if expecting a stern judgement. Amy gave her a small, reassuring smile.

“Well...go from there. Take from a girl who hasn’t had any relationships--save a pet/human one--in the past three years, you find someone you like, go for it. It’s kinda special when two people click, y’know?”

“Yeah,” Buffy agreed softly.

Amy gave herself a mental pat on the back. Rat for three years and I still got my entry pass to the good-relationship advice area.

“Wait a minute, can you turn the TV back on?”

Amy picked up the remote and the TV sound filled the room again.

“...in critical yet stable condition as local authorities continue their investigation into the robbery that left one man frozen solid,” a TV reporter was saying in front of the exterior of the museum and an ambulance with a bunch of people moving around. “Live from the museum, Ryan Morris, KOUS.”

“Weird,” Amy said.

Buffy stood up.

“Yeah, I better go do the Slayer thing.”

The ex-rat nodded and picked up another chocolate-chip cookie.

“Amy...”

She looked up.

“Thanks.”

--


Buffy gasped and pulled back. “No, no, I-I have to--”

“Stay. I'm stuck here. Sun's up,” Spike said panting, sparing a glance upwards before meeting her eyes again.

Buffy looked at Spike for a moment before melting back into him with a moan. Spike turned her around and lay her down on a couch cushion he had scavenged from the rubble earlier. He lay over her and moved down to kiss her neck. Buffy gasped, tossed her head back, and moaned again. Spike lifted himself up to look at her.

“I knew. I knew the only thing better than killing a slayer would be f--”

“What?!” Buffy yelped.

Buffy shoved him away and stood up angrily, moving a few feet away. She turned to look back at Spike, who was still sprawled on the floor.

“Is that what this is about? Doing a slayer?” She asked, a little hurt.

Spike opened his mouth to toss out a comment about her being a vampire groupie but stopped himself when a sudden thought came to him. He frowned and said,

“So...what? I’m not allowed fuck the Slayer. I’m not a complete idiot; you won’t let me make love to Buffy. What the hell am I supposed to think?”

Buffy blinked, her righteous anger evaporating with her ability to speak. She realized she didn’t have an answer. Sure, she could tell him, ‘fuck me as Buffy’ but she knew that that would sound low to both of their ears.

Spike almost smirked when he saw her stop in her tracks. Confusion clouded her eyes.

While Buffy stood there, thoughts zipping rapidly around her head, her body rooted to the spot, Spike sighed and used the few minutes of silence to locate and pull on his pants. Noticing that her mind was still off in figure-it-out land, Spike took a chance and calmly stalked toward her.

She slipped back into reality to find Spike merely inches from her. She found his eyes and he saw that his remark had knocked her off balance and she was unsure of herself. He quietly slid his arms around her waist and leaned down to capture her lips in his.

This kiss was nothing like the kiss they had shared while they were fighting less than twelve hours ago. This kiss held passion but not brutality. It was gentle and unknown and Buffy realized that she had been craving this. She wouldn’t admit it but she needed this gentler side almost as much as she needed their harsh coupling.

After a minute, they pulled back.

“I don’t know,” she breathed, her eyes still closed, her forehead resting against his.

“You’ll figure it out, yeah?” Spike murmured, his eyes also closed. He, of course, was hoping she’d admit that she couldn’t resist him but he’d take her admittance of confusion as a first step. At least she wasn’t ferociously denying that something had happened, and she had accidentally confessed her wish that what they had would not just be fucking.

Spike smiled. He could live with this.

--


“The only thing that’s changed is that I’m disgusted with myself,” Buffy stated with as much heat she could muster as she tried to ignore the blood rushing to her face and pounding in her ears.

She turned to keep walking but Spike slammed the palm of his hand against the alley wall, cutting off her escape. She barely had time to turn to face him before he leaned very close to her. As he ducked toward her neck, she jumped back slightly and hit the alley’s wall. He whispered hotly in her ear, “You’d do it again in a heartbeat”

Her eyes shut and her head fell back as his words sent shivers down her spine.

“Yes,” she breathed.

Buffy turned to meet his persistent mouth passionately and his hand came to rest over her burning crotch.

She arched into him. Her hand clutched his shoulder and her other hand covered his, grinding the heel of his hand harder against her.

Buffy broke the kiss, remembering her breath, which was coming out in pants and moans. Spike immediately moved to leave a wet trail of open-mouthed kisses along her jugular, Buffy’s hand curled at the nape of his neck.

She threw her head back, hitting the wall, as she rocked shamelessly into his hand. He was adding and subtracting pressure in the neediest places in the most tantalizing ways until her nails dug into the back of his neck. With one long drawn out thrust of the heel of his hand against her mound, she groaned loudly and collapsed in release.

Spike held her up until the tremors had stopped running races through her legs.

“Oh...Oh god,” she exhaled, pushing away from him gently and moving away. “Dawn...We need to find Dawn.”

She walked off slowly. Spike smirked, very satisfied, at her back. She paused when she didn’t feel him follow her. Turning, she said, still slightly breathless, “Coming?”

“Not yet,” Spike said under his breath with a grin and caught up with her.

--


It’s amazing the difference twenty seconds can make. A pre-set signal turns the traffic light red, and Xander enters the Summers’ house with a twenty second delay that with a small twist of fate, would never have happened.

Xander wouldn’t have seen Spike’s hands toying with Buffy’s hair.

“You know I love this hair. The way it bounces around when you--”

Buffy suddenly raised her hand out of the sink, holding a spatula on trajectory toward Spike's face, but he grabbed her wrist, effectively stopping her scanty attack.

“Ah-ah-ah! This flapjack's not ready to be flipped.”

His other hand dropped from her shoulder to caress her hips and then circle lower.

“What the hell is that supposed to--”

Buffy broke off with a small sigh of pleasure. Closing her eyes, she leaned into him.

“Stop that,” she whispered even as she wondered when exactly she had become so comfortable with Spike’s touch.

Spike tilted his head down and released her wrist in favour of sliding the other arm around her, pulling her up against him.

Buffy considered briefly about using the spatula still grasped in her now-free hand, but then let it drop into the sink. She didn’t notice the few drops of water that splashed on her.

Spike caught her lips with his and her now spatula-free hand found its way to the back of his head.

Xander heard voices and a low chuckle that could only belong to Spike as he walked towards the kitchen.

Xander subconsciously quietened his footsteps. He stood in the doorframe and his eyes widened until Buffy and Spike finally pulled back, both breathing heavily.

Buffy spine tensed horribly when she realized they had an audience.

“Xander...”

“No!” He said. “Just...don’t. I don’t want to know. I don’t want to know any of this.”

“What’s the big deal?” Dawn asked from behind Xander, making the three of them jump.

Xander just shook his head in disbelief and said through pursed lips:

“Come on, Dawnie. Let’s get you to school.”

Dawn scowled at the brush-off and stomped out, letting the front door slam. Xander looked as though he wanted to say more but turned and followed Dawn instead.

--


Letting her invisible fingers mess with files hadn’t helped. Her heart dropped when another officer turned away from her house with an unsatisfied look on his face.

She lost her little sister. But in the end, Dawn wasn’t stolen away from her as the virgin queen of a demon, or by the shadowy promise of death that lingered about a Slayer’s life, but by Social Services.

Dawn cried when they took her but she couldn’t look Buffy in the eye on her way out.

--


Author’s Note:

I’m out of ideas concerning this fiction for now. Got any to offer? Lemme know. :)

--


Buffy exited the dining room. She’d been slightly depressed since Dawn’s departure but her recent triumph of the arrest of Warren and his nerds for the murder of Katrina had cheered her up enough to celebrate her birthday. Having noticed that the majority of bad birthday parties she’s had to endure occurred at night, she stubbornly decided that this year she would have a party around lunch-time.

She encountered Richard in the hall and stopped for a minute, wondering what she was supposed to say. She knew Xander had brought him along as a subtle attempt to lure her from Spike’s side and was a little irritated at Xander’s audacity.

“Hey,” Richard said awkwardly.

“Hi.”

“Great party. Everyone's havin' fun.”

“I hope so,” she said with a smile.

“I mean, no one's even thinking about leaving. I, uh...can't tear myself away.”

“Yeah?” Buffy’s smile faltered as in her mind she begged him not to get attached to her.

“Yeah. Can I get you a drink?”

Buffy saw Spike appear in the living room doorway to observe the conversation.

“Uh...I'm good, thank you.”

“Okay.”

“I think I'll just...head back in,” Buffy said gracelessly.

“Well...I'll look for you,” he said.

“Okay,” she said with a smile. Had to give the guy some credit, he was cute. He smiled and went past her into the dining room.

“Ooh, Buffy,” Spike said in a mock-high voice and Buffy rolled her eyes. “Can I get you a soda pop? I think I'm in looove.”

He walked up to her, smirking. She was smiling too. When he leaned down for a kiss she turned away.

“Stop it. Someone's gonna see.” But her voice didn’t sound at all like the commanding tone she was aiming for. It sounded breathy, like a regret.

She walked toward the kitchen. Spike followed and stopped her at the doorway by putting one hand on the wall beside her head to block her way.

“Mm-hmm,” he murmured.

He rested his other hand on her shoulder before running it down her arm, taking her hand, and pulling it onto his thigh.

Buffy tried to resist the curl of arousal that was writhing inside her but it was near impossible. Her head fell back slightly and her eyes drifted closed and Spike took this opportunity to snag the kiss he had lost a few minutes ago. Buffy sighed into his mouth.

Tara appeared at the other end of the hall but seeing the couple, turned and walked away with a smile.

--

An hour or so later, Buffy and Spike sat on the floor besides the new weapons chest Xander had carved for her. She shuffled a deck of cards and tried to convince herself that she was behind the couch to find a quiet place for a game of cards and had nothing to do with the fact that Spike was trailing patterns absently on the side of her thigh.

Richard entered from the kitchen, looking for his boss.

“Hey Xander, we gotta be at work in a few minutes.”

Xander glanced at the clock. “Okay. We’ve got ten. We’ll make it.”

“I can't be late today.”

“You should definitely go,” Spike piped up. “Let's find your coat and get you on your merry way.”

“Spike,” Buffy said warningly

“Besides, Richie, I’m sure you’ve had your fill of lunch. Growing boy like you,” Spike went on, paying no attention to the glares Buffy was throwing at him. “Me, I used to love lunch. In the old days, I probably would have eaten by now.” He finished and looked menacingly at Richard for fun.

“Of course, with that new diet of yours, you wanna be careful what you try puttin' in your mouth now, Spikey,” Buffy said testily and gave Spike a meaningful look that he completely ignored.

“Yeah? I don't know. Tummy's making all kinds of gurglies. Maybe I oughta just feed on whatever's around...”

Buffy glanced at Richard who looked bemused if nothing else.

“…even if it doesn't go down well,” Spike said and then turned to Richard. “You, uh, work out?”

“Okey-dokey,” Buffy said suddenly and quickly got up, grabbed Spike by his sleeve, and hauled him to his feet and towards the door.

“‘Scuse us,” she said offhandedly to Richard as she hauled Spike into the foyer.

“Hey, Mister Passive-Aggressive Guy. Seriously, you wanna take it down a notch or two in there?” She snarled.

“What? Poor dainty Richard can't take a joke?” Spike snarked back.

“We do not joke about eating people in this house!”

“What are you gonna do, beat me up?”

“I should have thrown you out the second you got here.” She said as Spike rolled his eyes. “I was insane to ever think you could just hang out with my friends.”

“And I was insane to think...” He broke off, knowing he was about to say something he probably didn’t want to say. He covered it with an affront. “No, wait. You were right. You're insane.”

“I think it's time for you to go,” she retorted angrily.

He tried not to smile as he sensed Buffy’s body heating as she got more and more riled up.

“Yeah, well, can't,” he said with a gesture. “Daylight.”

“Okay. I'll go.”

“I'll get the door.”

“Fine!”

“Fine!”

Before she knew what she was doing, Buffy wrapped her arm around his neck and brought his head to hers. His arms slid around her waist while her tongue entranced his.

She pulled back just as suddenly.

“We can’t keep kissing every time we start to argue!” She hissed although Spike wasn’t sure whether it was to him or herself. She took a deep breath, turned, and walked out of the room.

--


Dawn had been allowed to visit for a few days for the wedding. Buffy had hoped that she and her sister could have some bonding time during this stay but Dawn had made it perfectly clear to Buffy that she had lost her chance for intimacy when Dawn was taken away.

Buffy sighed as she watched her little sister help receive wedding gifts. Deciding to avoid Dawn’s you-betrayed-me attitude for the day in favour of good emotions, Buffy turned away.

“It’s like rain on your wedding day...” Buffy muttered to herself, thinking of Alanis Morissette’s lyrics as she meandered down the hall in her vibrant bridesmaid dress. Outside, it was pouring rain.

Turning a corner, she paused for a brief second as she noticed Spike, leaning against a wall, looking out the window into the grey weather.

He looked up and seeing Buffy, glanced down at the floor. He looked back up as she walked over and leant against the wall next to him.

“Are you gonna cry?”

Buffy frowned at him. “What?”

“Weddings...Two hearts joined for eternity, great pelting showers of rice and so forth. Just want to know if the Slayer’s gonna get all weepy on me.”

She gave a small smile and they both resumed staring out at the rain.

“It's nice,” Spike said quietly. “...to watch you be happy. For them, even. I don't see it a lot. You, uh...you glow.”

She glanced over at him but he wasn’t looking her way.

“That's because the dress is radioactive,” she compromised.

She smiled when Spike snorted.

Shifting his weight back onto his feet, he stood fully and turned to face her. Deciding to risk it, he held out his arm.

She looked at him, surprised for a minute. Then slowly slipped her arm into his. This was new territory for them, and Spike looked as nervous as she did.

But with every step towards the main hall, each of them felt happier, elated; linking arms was a success. Buffy wondered if maybe the little, public, girlfriend/boyfriend attributes needed to be learned and practiced. Seeing as they already had all the heavy interactions down; they had to work on first/second date level reciprocities.

Spike said he didn’t see her happy often. She speculated whether he could help her change that.

--

“Take care of my heart, won't you please? Take care of it because...it's all that I have. And, if you let me, I'll take care of your heart too,” Anya said, finishing her eccentric vows.

A few feet to her left, Willow and Tara were leaning near one another, both getting teary-eyed.

The chapel was in absolute chaos. The Harrises and Anya’s demon kin were in an all-out brawl that had broken out as soon as Anya had completed her march up the aisle. But by that time, the bride, groom, and bridesmaids were enclosed in a different world and knew nothing of their audience.

The Priest repeated the necessities and Xander leaned in to kiss his bride. A couple of feet to his left, Dawn was absolutely beaming, with a huge grin plastered across her face.

Anya threw her arms around Xander, ecstatic. She kissed him several more times and Xander broke off smiling happily. Only when he turned to face the congregation—Anya’s hand clasped firmly in his own—did he realize that the place was in an uproar.

He tugged Anya closer to his side and slid an arm around her waist and they looked around the room, absolutely luminous amidst the pandemonium.

A pair at the very back of the chapel, out of the way of the tumult, caught Xander’s eye.

Buffy was sobbing and laughing delightedly at the same time. Spike gave her a dubious look before awkwardly pulling a tissue out of his pocket and handing it to her. When she noticed Xander looking at them, she flashed him a genuinely huge smile and waved.

Xander noted that Buffy had allowed Spike to rest his arm around her shoulders but at the beaming smile on her face, Xander’s own grin widened and he waved back. If Buffy and Spike were even half as happy as he was today, then the more luck to them, he thought.