Disclaimer: I own nothing.


Living Fast

Buffy Summers wiped her nose, getting off the white residue with a giggle. Ahh, much better. She turned around to engage in a sloppy, drunken, drug induced kiss with her boyfriend Spike Giles. This was the life for sure. It may have been on of the world’s biggest cliché but the life of sex, drugs and rock ‘n’ roll was the IT life.
Buffy pulled away with a groan of protest from Spike, “Have you seen Ruby tonight?”
Spike groaned, “Can we not talk about my bloody step-sister during foreplay luv?”
Buffy giggled and smacked him playfully on the chest. The buzz of the cocaine on full force, “I’m sorry baby but I haven’t seen her all night. Besides she said she wanted me to be there for something that I can't tell you bout.”
Spike sighed and realized her from his hold, “Go find Ruby. I’ll be waiting for you kitten.” He wagged his eyebrows subjectively making her giggle once more and wink at him, “You better be buster.”
She got up and started around the party, grabbing drinks and greeting people that she supposedly knew. She didn’t remember a lot of the nights spent at parties like these. Yeah this life was good. she was never gonna give this up. what other way was there to live?
“Hey Suki?” Buffy asked, excepting a shot of some kind of bright pink liquid from the short Asian girl, “Have you seen Ruby lately?”
Suki nodded, “Seen her go in Jill’s room like not even a half hour ago.”
Buffy nodded back in thanks and turned to leave, “Thanks Suks.”
She stopped Buffy to add, “No problem and tell Spike that Nate’s back in business. I know how depressed he got when he when he stopped dealing.”
Buffy nodded, “I will and tell Nate I love him so much.”
Suki laughed and raised a drink in Buffy’s direction, “We all do.”
Buffy reached Jill’s room and pushed the door open. Her world stopped.

Dieing Pretty

There in the corner was a paler than usual Ruby. She was completely limp. Buffy rushed over to her side and gave her a sharp shake, “Ruby!”
No response. She tried again, “RUBY WAKE UP!”
It was no use. Fat tears ran down Buffy’s cheeks like rivers. She was still shaking Ruby, sobbing out her name, “Please Ruby, please! You have to wake up god damn you!”
Nothing was working.
Buffy let go of Ruby’s shoulder and let her hand drift to her wrist. She held two fingers to Ruby’s pulse point. Nothing. Her best friend was dead.

Black. The day was completely black. There was no color anywhere to be seen.
Ruby would have hated this, Buffy decided as she watched all of the mourning people. She would have looked each and every one of them in the eye and tell them to get over it. Buffy couldn’t just get over though. She didn’t know if she ever would.
Ruby had told her the day of the party that it would be her last time. That after this party she was going to get her life turned around. That as she thought about it, she’d rather die old and wrinkly than looking like a super model. Ruby had died looking like a super model. She quickly wiped away the tears that had leaked down her face.
She spotted Spike as the funeral let out. His face held no emotion at all. Buffy mentally sighed. It was his way of dealing. She hated it. She knew their relationship wasn’t perfect. Spike was known for pushing people away. Spike was known for pushing her away. She wiped her eyes once more and slowly approached him.
“Hey,” she said softly. He didn’t reply. He didn’t even look at her.
Buffy clamped her eyes shut, feeling tears form, “Spike talk to me please. You can't just lock yourself away in the land of denial forever. You need to talk to someone. You need to talk to me!” The last statement had came out as an outburst the brought a flood of emotions to the surface
He still wouldn’t even look at her, “Ruby is dead Spike and she’s not coming back. Not ever. You sitting around and bottling up all of your emotions will not bring her back! Please don’t do this to me! I love you and I want to help you. Please…let me help you.”
“Go away,” he whispered, his face still stony.
“No,” she stated firmly, “Why the fuck do you do this to me Spike? I just want to help you and all you do is push me away!”
“I don’t want your help Buffy,” Spike stated, “You can't even help yourself.”
Buffy’s eyes widened, “And what the hell is that supposed to mean?!”
He finally turned to look at her. His eyes were cold. Colder than she’d ever seen them, “It means you let me sister die you bitch! If you had been there to stop here she’d still be here!”
That was it, “You're blaming me for Ruby’s overdoes? Oh my fucking god! Don’t you dare you son of a bitch! She was my best friend and if I could take her place I would do it in a seconds notice!”
“Then I wish you could!” he snapped.
Buffy finally let the tears fall free, “Do you really?”
He looked away and then right back at her. He stood up and got up in her face, “Yes I do! I bloody fucking hate you! You're nothing to me Buffy! You never were!”
Buffy looked away. Her heart was in a million pieces. She looked him right in the eye before replying, “Goodbye Spike.” And then she was gone.
Just she was out of sight, Spike let his own tears come. He collapsed down in a heap, weeping his heart out, “Please Buffy baby, I’m so sorry. So bloody sorry. I love you so much. Come back.”
It made no difference. She was gone. He’d lost the two people he loved more than anything and it was his fault.

*********************************************************

Buffy stared at herself in the mirror and felt nothing but self disgust. She hated herself. She hated Spike. She hated Ruby. She hated her father, She hated her mother, She hated the neighbors. She hated everyone! Buffy finally lost it and punched in the mirror. She saw the bloody and the shattered glass but she felt no pain. She didn’t feel anything at all. She angrily swept all the contents of her vanity onto the floor in one furious swipe. It wasn’t enough. she turned to her chair and turned it over. She ripped the all the covers and pillows from her bed, following up by ripping the mattress of the frame. The shelves were next. All the pictures and trinkets were knocked everything off of ever shelf she could reach and ripped down the shelves she couldn’t reach to empty of their contents. The most depressing thing about the whole thing was there was no one to hear her.
Her legs finally gave out and she toppled onto the floor. She caught a glance of herself in the broken mirror and almost threw up. she disgusted herself.
This was it, Buffy decided. Ruby had failed but she wouldn’t. She was gonna get what was good for her.

I ain't no queen of hearts, I go through stages
I fall in love then complicate it
yeah, you know the feeling
w/out much hope just blind ambition
pretending that theres nothing missing
I always kept believing that...
more, I thought if I had more I wouldn't get so bored
but everything just left me empty
love walkin in and out of my door
wasn't good enough no more
well i dont trust myself life really sucks and...

First time I did it but I didnt do it
last time, thats when I really blew it
this time im gonna do it different cuz I know, I know, I know...
if I put everything I have into it
eventually I'm gonna get whats good for me

I'm just tryin to be creative
but everyones so oppinionated
wanna tell me what I'm feeling
cuz one man's junks another's treasure
when its done its hard to measure or keep on believing that...
more, if only I had more, I wouldnt get so bored
but I know its gonna leave me empty
life, walkin in and out of my door wasnt good enough no more
well I dont trust myself I'm gonna get stuck and...

First time I thought it but I didnt do it
last time, thats when i really blew it
this time im gonna do it different cuz I know, I know, I know...
if I put everything I have into it
eventually I'm gonna get whats good for me

Cuz I dont want to live my life wondering if only i woulda,
I shoulda, I coulda... but I didnt cuz I only blame myself
again...

First time I thought it but I didnt do it
last time, thats when I really blew it
so this time, this time, this time...
if I put everything I have into it
eventually I'm gonna get whats good for me

First time I thought it but I didnt do it
last time, thats when I really blew it
this time im gonna do it different cuz I know, I know, I know...
if I put everything I have into it
eventually I'm gonna get whats good for me

*********************************************************

AN: yup, I started another one. Tell me what you think and if you want me to continue pretty please cause I already have 2 other WIPs and if enough people give me positive reviews I’ll continue it.

*********************************************************

Buffy smiled when she spotted her friends. Today was her eighteenth birthday and she was feeling really good. Better than any drug had ever made her feel. She’d been clean for three years now of last week and she wouldn’t have had it any other way. After Ruby’s death she’d checked herself into rehab and then moved to Sunnydale to live with her mother. It had been hard. Hell, sometimes it still was but she’d gotten over her addition.
She wouldn’t deny that she sometimes missed the wonderful highs that the drug had given her but she would NEVER miss coming down, that feeling of utter emptiness. She also wouldn’t deny no matter being with Riley that she still loved Spike. She sighed silently and shook her head. None of that now. He was a part of her dark past. The one part that she couldn’t let go.
“Hey!” Willow said happily, “Happy birthday Buffy!”
Buffy’s smile widened as she saw Xander hold out a cupcake with a candle in the middle, “Ooh guys. Thank you!”
She’d never really told anyone in Sunnydale about her past. She knew she really should but she just couldn’t bring herself to do it. She didn’t want to see the looks of disgust on their face when she told them that on some nights she would have done anything of even a milligram. She didn’t want them to think she was bad, like she had for a long while after. That’s why she just couldn’t do it.
She was brought out her thoughts by the feeling of two strong male arms being wrapped around her waist.
“Hey baby,” Riley smiled, kissing the top of her head.
Buffy mentally sighed, “Hey Riley.”
Just then the bell rang. Damn, she didn’t even get to eat her cupcake, “Walk me to class?”
He shook his head, “Sorry babe but I gotta go to gym which is all the way on the other side of the school.”
“Come on Wills,” Buffy sighed, breaking free of Riley’s grip and linking arms with her friend, “I’ll see you later Riley, Xander. And thanks for the cupcake.”
With that, they went their separate ways.

**********************************************************

“Buffy!” Spike called out in release.
“It’s Michelle,” the blonde beneath him reminded him with a sharp tone.
“Whatever,” Spike muttered, rolling off of her and shoving her out the bed.
She let out a squeak of surprise and watched him get out of bed from the floor as he grabbed a bottle of Jack Daniels and wandered into the bathroom.
She sighed heavily and stood up. She quickly dressed and left with out saying another word. Just the way he liked it.
Spike quickly snorted the line of white powder and instantly felt much better.
After Ruby’s death and Buffy’s disappearing act Spike’s life had gone even more downhill.
He had had nothing left. Bloody hell, he thought. He wasn’t going to start to think about this again.
He sighed heavily and reached for the baggie that contained the only thing he had left in his life. It was empty. Fuck. He took a long swig of his whisky and staggered back into the bedroom of the hotel. He reached for his pants and pulled out his wallet to find it also empty. Bloody fucking hell. He was completely broke and cocaineless.
Time to visit his dear old da.

**********************************************************

Willow and Buffy reached the library where they spent their free period.
“I heard the school hired a new librarian,” Willow said as they entered the musty library.
Buffy nodded, “Coolness. Well then, let’s go give him our greetings.”
There was a thumb from behind the check out counter and a familiar, “Bloody hell.”
“Um, are you okay?” Willow asked.
“Yes, quite,” the person answered, standing up.
Buffy was in shock. There in front of her was Giles looking the same as ever. Still very much tweed clad, “Giles.”
“Buffy,” he replied wide eyed.
A bright smile broke out over both of their faces and Buffy rushed over to hug him.
Giles pulled away and shook his head, “Look at you my dear girl.”
Buffy smiled sadly, “It’s a big improvement from last time you saw me I’m guessing.”
He smiled sadly and nodded, “You look wonderful.”
Willow was completely lost, “I’m guessing you two know each other.”
Buffy nodded, “I knew Giles from back in LA.”
Willow could sense something was up and nodded, “Hey Buff? I’m gonna go find Oz. you guys catch up.”
Buffy nodded back, “Okay Wills. I’ll see you later.”
With one last smile, Willow was gone.
Buffy turned to Giles who at sat down and sat down across from him, “So you're probably wondering what happened right?”
Giles nodded, “I must say finding you here, alive and well was…”
Buffy looked away, “I know Giles. The day of Ruby’s funeral Spike and I self destructed so I left.” She paused before continuing, “I know how important Ruby was to you. As important to you as she was to me, even maybe more.” She paused again, “You should know that she told me that she was gonna quit after that last party. I guess she never got the chance.”
He nodded and looked away also.
“So I decided I was going to do it for her,” Buffy finished.
“Thank you,” he whispered, tears shining in both of their eyes.
“How is he Giles?” Buffy asked quietly, dreading the answer.
Giles sighed, “I haven’t talk to William in about a year. I’m guessing quite badly.”
Buffy nodded, “I wish I could have saved him. I wish I could have saved them both.”
Giles shook his head and took her hand in his, “So do I Buffy but you were able to save yourself. That’s all that matters.”
“I guess you're right,” Buffy sighed, trying her hardest to believe him. She couldn’t. It wasn’t enough.

**********************************************************

AN: to all of you that are reading, I should warn you, if you're a fan of all fluff this isn't a story for you. Things are gonna get pretty dark but stick in there. I’ll never have a story without a happy ending. That’s just wrong.

AN: hey I just wanted to say that I don’t really know anything about cocaine or drugs in general other than they’re VERY BAD so this fic does not promote it or is meant to say it’s cool cause it’s so not. Also if some of this stuff sounds a little off or whatever, this is my apology but like I said, that’s just not my thing so I wouldn’t know.

**********************************************************

Spike pulled his DeSoto into the parking lot of Sunnydale High about side of the library around noon.
He whistled happily as he took the back entrance into the library. Pretty soon, he’d be walking out of this hell hole with some cash in his pocket and some drugs up his nose.
He was coming down and it was starting it itch.
He quietly opened the door and slide through.
That’s when he heard it.
“How is he Giles?” Buffy asked quietly, dreading the answer.
Giles sighed, “I haven’t talk to William in about a year. I’m guessing quite badly.”
Buffy nodded, “I wish I could have saved him. I wish I could have saved them both.”
Giles shook his head and took her hand in his, “So do I Buffy but you were able to save yourself. That’s all that matters.”
“I guess you're right,” Buffy sighed, trying her hardest to believe him. She couldn’t. It wasn’t enough.
Bloody hell. Buffy. He stealthily slid behind a shelf of books to hide himself but also be able to catch a glance of her.
There she was. She looked even more beautiful then the last time he’d seen her. She was slightly more mature looking, her hair was longer and more golden and she was plumper, not in a fat way but in a delicious curvy way. She was still the bloody picture of perfection.
She sighed heavily and stood, “Hey Giles, I’m gonna go catch up with Willow. If you see him again, tell him that,” she paused. Tell him that she loved him and wanted him and needed him and wished that he was still with her. That she’d die for him and she’ll never stop loving him for the rest of her life, “Tell that I say hey.”
As if he’d read her mind, Giles nodded, “Of course Buffy.” He stopped as she started to walk away before saying, “He loves you too.”
Buffy smiled sadly and laughed wistfully, “I’ll see you around Giles. It was great to see you again.”
Spike watched her sadly until she was out of the doors. Bloody hell, he still loved her but he’d gone and mucked all of that up. Seeing her again made the need her had for her even stronger. Even if it was for one more night, he was going to get what was his back.

**********************************************************

I know, short chapter but I'm writing the next one right after this.
Do you all like? I’m hoping so. If you want more than all ya have to do is review, review, review. Oh yeah, thanks to all of you that did. Makes me work faster.

Spike stepped out from the shelves to make himself seen.
Giles had to stop and look again when he saw him, “William.”
“Rupert,” Spike smirked.
“H-how long ago did you arrive?” Giles asked, taking off his glasses and polishing them feverishly.
“Long enough to hear Buffy say hey,” Spike replied. He looked down at his doc marten clad feet, “She looks bloody amazing.”
Giles put his glasses back on his face, “Yes, well that’s what three years of eating again will do for a girl.”
Spike looked up and scowled at his father, “Let’s get this over with da. I need money.”
“I’m not going to give you any money,” Giles stated, looking at his son intensely, “You’ve made no effort whatsoever to clean your life up. Look at you!”
“What’s wrong with me?” Spike bit back automatically regretting it.
Giles’s eyes went wide, “What’s wrong with you? What’s wrong with you?! You're addicted to cocaine! That’s what’s wrong with you! You're not my son anymore William. You haven’t been for a long while.”
Spike’s entire face fell, “Fine, I’ll just be on my way.”
He started to head for the door but Giles stopped his, “Leave her alone William. She’s done so well for herself and you’ll ruin it all for her. Do you want that?”
Spike turned back and glared, “I won't ruin her. I bloody well love her!”
“If you love her, you’ll stay away from her,” Giles sighed, “Do you really think that every thing will be just bloody dandy for her if you drag her back into the world?”
Spike didn’t get a chance to reply. Both Brits had noticed the presence of the small blonde in the room once more. They both turned to look at her as she squeaked, “I forgot my book. I’m just gonna…” she trailed off, biting her bottom lip worriedly. She grabbed her book off the table and turned for a rapid exit.
A thousand feelings where rushing through Buffy at once. Happiness that he loved her, fear of being with him again, confusion about what had happened between them three years ago and also anger because he was a total asshole. She looked around at the two men once more before bolting as fast as she could, completely disregarding the book she’d come back for.
Spike was after her in a split second.
Buffy was running through the empty halls as fast as her legs could carry her. This was just so unfair! Why did he have to come back? Why hadn’t he come back sooner? Was he even here for her? Of course not, a voice in her head chided. He came back because he was out of coke money. She remembered how it was. He didn’t have any cash to buy what got him by what got him by. He was on such a low that he had to turn to his father. He wasn’t back for her at all.
Tears started to build in her eyes. Life was so unfair. She reached the courtyard in front of the school and her legs gave in. Not from running but from emotional distress.
She collapsed down on the edge of the large fountain with a pant. She wiped away her eyes violently and hung her head. She hated this.
“Buffy!” Spike panted out, finally catching up with her.
She looked up at him with glossy eyes, “Please just leave me alone Spike.”
This made him angry, “I find you again and you want me to bloody well leave you alone?! That’s not going to happen kitten. I love you.”
Buffy shook her head vehemently, “If you love me then let me live my life!”
She had no idea where this all was coming from. She wanted to be with him but there was a part of her that knew, knew that if she were to let him back into her life she’d loose everything she’d worked so hard to get. Freedom from drugs. It was an extremely sweet and she didn’t want to loose it.
Willow watched with wide eyed fascination. What the heck was this?
“Luv please,” Spike tried to reason, “We can get out of here and never look back. I’ll give you everything you ever wanted. Please I can't loose you again.”
“You haven’t found me again Spike!” Buffy shot up, “I’m happy here! I have a life that doesn’t consist of almost overdosing every night and it feels wonderful! I have REAL friends and family that I see more than every Sunday night for brunch and a boyfriend that loves me without substances! Don’t take this away from me!”
This made him even angry. A boyfriend. She had a bloody fucking boyfriend!
“And what pet?” Spike smirked cruelly, “Do they know about just what your life was like in LA? Did you tell them that you're nothing more than a little coke whore huh?”
Buffy’s face fell, “That’s what I used to be you son of a bitch! I hate you!”
If Willow’s eyes had been wide before, they were saucer size now. Ohmigod!
He let out a bitter laugh, “You say that now Buffy but what would happen if you had it in front of you again. You and I know both that’d you’d be back so bloody quick, the three years you’ve been clean would be nothing more than a fucking blur!”
Buffy shook her head angrily, tears streaming down her face and shot up, “No that’s you Spike. I’m stronger than that. I will NEVER go back to that life. This started out for Ruby but in the end I did this for me and that’s all that matters!”
“Fine,” Spike spat out, “If you want to pretend to have a blood fucking normal life and act like you're a normal girl that’s never even touched a beer than that’s fine but I’m not going anywhere! You're mine and you’ve never stopped being mine! I love you and I’m not giving you up this easily!”
Before she even knew what was happening he’d kissed her harshly. She pushed him off with all the strength she could muster. She stared at him with tear filled eyes as he stared back at her with ones filled with determination, “I’ll see you around kitten.”
Buffy watched him, utterly stunned until he was out of view. That was when her legs gave out once more and she fell to the ground with an earth shattering sob.
Willow slowly made her way over to Buffy and knelt down next to her, “Buffy?”
Buffy looked up at Willow and let out another sob.
Willow wrapped her arms around her best friend and just let her cry right there in the middle of the courtyard. They stayed that way for what seemed to be forever.

They've clipped my wings again
Tore them apart and then
Left me
No use to fly away to
My yesterday
Of freedom
My eyes died back that day
Seeing the hurt I may have done
Beat my instead of them
Pain is my only Zen
Of fun

I'll go where secrets are sold
Where roses unfold
I'll sleep as time goes by

So hurting here is where I belong singing a sound
Blood on my hands to stay strong
The flowers in the graveyard are all gone I don't belong
There is no right to heal the wrong
Soup's on hot feelin' like a do or die
I can't throw up don't think i even want to try

You still can't make me cry
You've pinned this butterfly
Down
My fire's burning out
Kill my flame without
A frown
And starving hurts the soul
When you're hungry for
Some love
So if I close my eyes
I can really fly
Above

I'll go where secrets are sold
Where roses unfold
I'll sleep as time goes by

So hurting here is where I belong dreaming a song
Blood on my hands to stay strong
The flowers in the graveyard are all gone I don't belong
There is no right to heal the wrong
Soup's on hot feelin' like a do or die
I can't throw up don't think I even want to
Tryyy- tryyyy- tryyyyyy

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AN: and there ya go. Another chapter for you all. Remember, all you have to do is review, review, review and the chapters will come so quickly you won't even know that there was a time in between the last time and the next I updated.

“We need to talk,” Willow stated as they walked home.
They’d skipped out early. Buffy couldn’t have made it the rest of the day. The emotional pain that was running through her body had to hurt as much as getting stabbed.
“I know,” Buffy said quietly, her eyes fixed on the ground, “You won't like it though. It’s not a pretty tale Wills.”
Willow looked at Buffy and sighed, “Buffy you're my best friend. I’m going to love you no matter what. No matter how dark your past is.”
Buffy looked up at Willow and let out a sarcastic little sigh, “You have no idea.”
“Then tell me,” Willow insisted as they reached Willow’s house, “So I can know. I want to be able to help you.”
Buffy looked up her with the saddest eyes Willow had ever seen and nodded, “I gave you a fair warning.”
Willow nodded as she let them in the house. With that, they headed up to Willow’s bedroom so Buffy could tell her best friend of the darkest days of her life.

**********************************************************

Willow stared wide eyed at Buffy as she told her about all the drugs and sex and alcohol. The most important part of the tale being of the drugs and one certain bleach blonde ex-boyfriend.
“Do you love him?” Willow asked suddenly.
Buffy’s head shot up and she blinked before answering truthfully, “More than anything.”
“Then why are you with Riley?” Willow prompted on.
“Because,” Buffy sighed, deciding she’d been truthful during the whole story so she might as well keep being truthful, “He’s my safety net. He loves me and he’ll never hurt me like Spike did. He’s just…dependable, safe old Riley.”
“That’s unfair,” Willow sighed, “But I get it. I know if what had happened to you had happened to me I’d find someone safe.” She paused before continuing on, “You really should let him go Buffy before you're the one that ends up hurting him.”
Buffy hung her head, “I know Wills but I’m not ready. Can’t I hold on just a little longer?” The last part had came out a plead.
Willow looked at her friend deeply, “Are we still talking about Riley?”
“No,” she admitted quietly, “No we’re not.”
“Then what are we?” Willow raised an eyebrow.
Buffy sighed, “We’re talking about this whole life. He’s gonna turn my life upside down. Will you help me hold on?”
Willow hugged Buffy tightly and nodded, “I won't let you let go.”
Fresh tears ran down both girls faces.

**********************************************************

Spike sighed heavily as he stood at the pay phone while it rang. Where the fuck was he?
“Hello?” Nate picked up the phone.
“Hey mate,” Spike said, “It’s Spike. I need a favor.”
“Anything man,” Nate replied, “What’s up?”
“Don’t you own an apartment in Sunnydale?” Spike asked, “I need somewhere to crash for…for a while.”
“Well yeah,” Nate said, curious, “But why the fuck are you in Sunnydale?”
Spike sighed heavily, “I came to see my da cause I needed so cash and I...I ran into Buffy.”
Nate raised an eyebrow, “Oh yeah. How is she? I was insulted when she went and found herself a new dealer.”
Spike grimaced, “Uh, bloody hell, she didn’t. She checked herself in rehab and moved in with her mom here.”
Nate was intrigued, “Really now? Well when you get her started again, give her my new number.”
“I’m not going to get her started again you pillock,” Spike snapped, “I just want to be with her.”
Nate let out a chuckle, “Yeah right man. Get real. You're still as addicted as ever and she’s newly clean and you think being around her is gonna keep her that way? There’s no way in hell that that’s gonna happen.”
“Can I use your place or not?” Spike was getting irritated.
“Yeah, no problem,” Nate laughed.
Spike nodded in thanks, “Thanks mate. I’ll see you around.”
Nate nodded back into the phone, “Yup. Talk to you later dude.”

*********************************************************

Spike turned the key and let himself into Nate’s apartment. He didn’t really know what to expect. It was in a bloody rat whole of a building but he knew damn well that Nate was loaded.
The door opened and he stopped.
There he stood in a huge, tastefully decorated apartment with a huge stainless steel kitchen in the corner. The living room was done in black leather couches and white walls with several modern art pieces. There was a fully equipped entertainment center along the wall. Bloody hell. He’d have to thank Nate again.
He plopped down on a leather couch and threw his head back against the back of the sofa.
Buffy wasn’t going to take him back easily. She had herself a safe little life set up for herself and he knew she wasn’t going to give it up easily.
It was worth the fight. He bloody well loved the bitch more than anything.
He took a deep breath and exhaled slowly.
Everything would be fine.
He’d get her back and they’d live happily ever after.
In the meantime he’d just have to see what Nate had stashed here.
His high was almost gone and it felt like it was eating him away on the inside.

**********************************************************

AN: I’m soooo good. this is my 3rd update today. REVIEW! I’ve gonna several wonderful ones and I want to thank all that did review. I love you all!
Oh and yeah, if anyone has any suggestions on how to make this fic better or have any ideas that you want to see in this fic all you have to do is e-mail me or say it through a review. Thanks!

Buffy let herself into her house around the time she was usually home after school.
Her mother was waiting for her with her arms crossed over her chest, a hard look on her face.
“I got a call from the school today,” she stated, “They said that you skipped out early.”
“He’s back mommy,” Buffy said quietly, “Showed up today and we got into a huge fight in the quad. Willow and me left because I couldn’t stop crying.”
“Oh baby,” her mother whispered, taking her daughter into a hug.
“Why is so hard?” Buffy asked pulling away, “I don’t want to live like that ever again but the second I saw him…”
“All of it crumbled?” her finished for her daughter.
Buffy nodded and plopped down on the couch, “I don’t think he’s going to be willing leaving anytime soon. I know him. He’s gonna stick around until we’re one dysfunctional cocaine based couple again.”
“Then I guess he’s going to be living in Sunnydale for the rest of his life,” he mother replied a little too flippantly.
Buffy looked away before silently replying, “I’m not sure about that.”

**********************************************************

“Do you really think that this is smart?” her mother asked Buffy came downstairs in her Bronzing clothing.
Buffy nodded, “I have to go on with my life like he’s not even here. It’s Friday which is Bronzing night with the gang. Now I’m late already.”
Joyce sighed, “Okay, I suppose you're right. I’ll give you a ride.”
Buffy smiled brightly, “Thanks mommy. Let’s jet.”

**********************************************************

Her mother dropped her off outside of The Bronze around seven-thirty.
Buffy smiled and gave her a kiss on the cheek, “I’ll see you later. Bye mom!”
“Bye baby.” Joyce nodded, “And be careful.”
Buffy sighed, knowing exactly where her mother was coming from and nodded back. Her mother wasn’t talking about muggers or serial rapists, she was talking about Spike, “I will.”
Buffy entered the little club and spotted her friends and boyfriend immediately. She waved brightly and made her way over to them, “Hey!”
“Hey, it’s the Buffster,” Xander greeted her.
Buffy laughed, “Hey Xand, Wills, Riley.”
Riley lent over and planted a kiss on Buffy’s cheek that made her skin crawl. Okay that wasn’t a good feeling to have when your boyfriend kisses you, “Hey you.”
“Hey,” Buffy said trying to mask her discomfort.
Willow caught it all and smiled at her friend warmly, “Hi Buff. Let’s dance.”
Buffy nodded, thankful for the excuse to get away, “Okay, let’s boogie.”
The girls linked arms and skipped off to the dance floor.
“You okay?” Willow finally asked.
Buffy sighed and nodded, “Yeah, I’m okay.”
Willow glanced at the door and her heart skipped a beat when she saw a newly familiar platinum haired man, “Good cause he’s here Buff.”

*********************************************************

Spike entered the small little club with a smirk on his face. Yeah this would do nicely. Get drunk and pick up a girl. At least until he had Buffy back. He wasn’t going to muck it all up again by cheating on her.
He was in such a good mood because Nate had indeed had something stashed. He’d have to pay him back when he got some cash though.
He took his place at the bar and waited for the chits to storm.

**********************************************************

Buffy alternated between watching Spike and Riley. They could NOT meet up because everything would all go to hell. Okay it already was but even more if they met each other.
Her hazel gaze rested on Spike once more and she sighed wistfully. If only. If only they’d met and they’d both just been normal, drug free teenagers. Things would have been so good.
She mentally shook her head. No, she couldn’t go down that road. It would only bring tears. She couldn’t start thinking about how it could have been because no matter how hard she wished it, and wanted it, it would never happen.
It was too late. Silent tears were already leaking down her face.
“Buffy?” Willow asked quietly.
Buffy took a deep breath, “I’m gonna go to the bathroom. Watch them like a hawk.”
Willow nodded and smiled sympathetically at her friend. She watched Buffy disappear into the crowd before turning back to the table. Riley was gone. Her gaze snapped to the bar. Oh goddess.

**********************************************************

“Two regular and two diet cokes,” Riley ordered the bartender.
Spike turned to get a look at the pounce next to him. Coke. What a poof. Bloody hell, speaking of that…
Fuck he needed a fix.
He’d take it out on this pillock.
“You and your boyfriend must be really thirsty,” Spike commented with a smirk.
Riley’s eyes narrowed, “Shut the hell up bleach boy. If anyone’s a fagot it’s you.”
Spike smirk widened, “Oh come on now White Bread, nothin to be ashamed off.”
Riley sighed heavily, “One is for my girlfriend Buffy you assh…”
That was all he got out before a fist connected with his face.
Her name. Spike didn’t like the poofer saying it. Only he could.
Bloody fucking hell! Why would she have a boyfriend like this?
Because, he reminded himself, he’s the exact opposite of you.
“What the fuck was that for!” Riley screamed, clutching his possibly broken nose.
“You don’t deserve to say her name,” Spike bit out, “She belongs to me!”
“Riley!” Willow called out, running over to her friend’s side. She stopped to glare at Spike.
Her glare wavered slightly as she asked, “Do you feel better now?”
“Much,” Spike nodded.

**********************************************************

Buffy came out of the bathroom with fresh make up and saw the commotion at the bar. Fuck.
She dashed up to Riley, Spike and Willow.
“I’m sorry,” Willow squeaked.
Buffy sighed heavily at Willow and nodded before turning a burning glare on Spike, “How dare you think you can just come back and automatically rule my life! You hit my fucking boyfriend!”
“He’s not your boyfriend!” Spike yelled right back, “He doesn’t love you like I do!”
“Well I hate you!”
That was it for them both. Spike grabbed her by the arm roughly and dragged her out of the club and out into the alley with Buffy struggling to get her arm free. Colorful curses slipped from both of their lips. What a couple they made.
He pushed her up against the alley wall, his lips hovering centimeters over hers.
Her breath was caught in her throat as she half-heartily tried to push him off, “Spike please. Let me go.”
He rubbed his growing erection up against her, “Is that what you really want kitten?”
Buffy whimpered but continued to struggle. She couldn’t give up this easily. He’d ruin her.
“Yes,” she said, it coming out way to breathy than she wanted.
Her body was betraying her and her mind was starting to turn on her to.
She wanted him more than anything at the moment. She was dripping wet and all he’d done was rub up against her. She’d always liked it rough, “Spike please…”
“Please what?” he smirked as he started to lick at her neck.
“Please fuck me,” she whimpered sounding weak. She knew it was the way he liked her.
“Oh don’t worry baby,” he whispered, “I’m gonna fuck you so hard you aren't going to be able to walk for weeks.”
She moaned loudly and nodded. It was what she wanted but never what was good for her. They would never be the same thing.
She unbuckled his belt while he pushed up her skirt.
Her underwear wear violently ripped off her body and pocketed for his future masturbatory use.
Now that there was nothing in his way, Spike slid home roughly. No foreplay, just hardcore fucking.
He pounded into her with out a care in the world. All he cared about was being in her again. It was heaven.
Buffy felt like a slut. She wanted this. How sick was that? She wanted to be fucked by a coke addict in a dirty alley way. But it felt so good. At that moment that was all that mattered. For the moment being the key statement.
“Ooooooooooh Spppiiiikkkkeee!!!!!!!” Buffy wailed out in release. She was so loud she was certain they all heard her in The Bronze.
Spike soon followed babbling, “God Buffy I love you so much. So bloody much. Never leave me. I love you….”
As Buffy came down from her orgasm, the world came back down to.
She had just fucked Spike in an alley.
She immediately felt dirty.
She’d cheated on Riley. She was going to end up hurting him. Well fuck.
Buffy pushed Spike off of her. He looked at her with hurt in his eyes.
What a sight the two blondes made. Her skirt pushed up and her hair in every which way with him still hanging out of his open fly.
Buffy pulled down her skirt and looked at him. She couldn’t let her true feelings for him come through. It would kill her, “Thanks for the dance Spike. It was fun.”
She was about to walk away when he grabbed her angrily, “You think that this was just a one time thing Buffy? You have another bloody thing comin to you! I love you and no matter how much you deny it, you love me!”
Buffy let out a cruel snort, “Yeah right Spike. Don’t you get it? You're beneath me now,”
She didn’t know where these nasty things were coming from. She instantly wished she could take it back but she couldn’t.
Spike couldn’t believe what he was hearing. He was beneath her? Did the fucking bitch think that three years could change ones entire past? Like hell it could, “You can try and block out what you used to be Buffy but it’s never going to go away. I was right before. Once a coke whore, always a coke whore.”
The words cut her deep. She wanted nothing more than to erase it all but she couldn’t. Maybe she was a coke whore.
Tears shone in Buffy’s eyes, “Fuck you Spike.”
“You already did,” he smirked to hide the hurt the best he could.
With those last words, they went their separate ways, both regretting the things they’d said.

**********************************************************

Buffy entered her house thanking the high heavens her mother was already in bed. She slowly crawled up the stairs into her bedroom and collapsed down her bed.
That’s when the tears came. A sharp sob tore through her, almost splitting her in two. She couldn’t take it anymore. It all used to be so simple. Fuck, drink and snort. Now it was all so complicated.
She spared a glace at her phone and took a deep breath.
She grabbed it and dialed a once familiar number.
It rang a few times before it picked up.
“Hello?” a recognizable male voice answered.
“Nate?” Buffy replied, “It’s Buffy.”
“Buffy!” Nate smiled, “I heard you were in rehab.”
Buffy sighed, “Let’s cut the small talk Nate. I need you to hook me up.”
Nate sighed heavily, “Welcome back Buffy. I got a man down in Sunnyhell. The prices are the same for you. Meet him outside of Sunnydale Liquors in an hour.”
Buffy nodded in thanks, “Thanks Nate. I’ll be seein ya.”
“Okay,” Nate nodded back, “Give me a call next time you need some.”
Buffy didn’t reply. She’d already hung up.
If Spike thought that she was nothing more than a coke whore than that was exactly what she was going to be.

If you wanna hang out, you've gotta take her out: Cocaine
If you wanna get down, get down on the ground: Cocaine

She's alright,
She's alright,
She's alright,
Cocaine

If you got that lose, you wanna kick them blues: Cocaine
When your day is done, and you wanna ride on Cocaine

She's alright,
She's alright,
She's alright,
Cocaine

If your day is gone, and you wanna ride on: Cocaine
Don't forget this fact: You can't get it back: Cocaine

She's alright,
She's alright,
She's alright,
Cocaine

She's alright,
She's alright,
She's alright,
Cocaine

Buffy wrapped her coat around herself securely as she made her way to Sunnydale Liquors. She had a hundred dollars in her pocket. It was enough to get her by.
She reached the store and peered her head into the dark alley. It was just creepy.
She practically jumped out of her skin when someone tapped her on the shoulder, “Jesus Christ!” she whipped around ready to strike but then saw another old friend, “JACK!”
“Buffy,” he smiled happily.
They hugged merrily until Buffy pulled away and sighed, “It’s good to see you. I didn’t know you were still working for Nate. Thought you went freelance.”
He nodded and rubbed the back of his head, “Tried. Nate made my life a living hell. Figured once you got a good thing that makes you money, why not go with the flow?”
Buffy nodded in understanding, “I guess you're right.” Being clean was a good thing. She mentally sighed. Let’s not go all moral now Buff, “Do you have the stuff?”
He nodded, “Sure thing. I thought Nate had said you went in rehab though.”
Buffy bit her bottom lip, “I did. I’m done. This life sucks.”
“Are you sure you know what you're doing?” he raised an eyebrow.
Buffy frowned, “I got the money and you got the drugs Jack. Please, let’s just make the exchange so we can both get on with our lives.”
He sighed and nodded, pulling a small baggie out of his pocket in which he traded with Buffy for a wad of money.
“I don’t need to count this do I?” he asked.
Buffy smirked, “Did you ever need too?”
He paused before concluding, “Hang on so I can count the cash.”
Buffy giggled and nodded, “Okay Jack. You do that.”
He smiled and shook his head, tucking the money in his pocket, “Have a nice night Buffy.”
Buffy nodded at him, “You too babe.”
With that, Buffy stared on her way home.

**********************************************************

Spike watched Jack and Buffy with a frown. Stupid bint. He had to stop her. He loved her to bloody much to let her do this to herself.
He let her get almost out of his sight before he followed after her, his hands shoved deeply into his duster pockets.
He couldn’t help but feel that it was partly his fault as he followed after the love of his life.

**********************************************************

Buffy silently slunk up to her room. She cleared off a corner of her desk and set down a flat hand mirror.
She took her credit card and carefully divided a small amount of the white powder into three separate lines.
And there it was. Right in front of her. The thing that had haunted her endlessly for three years. Was she going to do this?
The white powder stared up at her, taunting her. Telling her she wasn’t woman enough to handle it. Telling her that it would make all the pain go away.
Oh she wanted to the pain to go away.
She leaned in to snort the first line before her bedroom door came barreling open.
Spike stood there panting. He had clearly been running.
Buffy wrapped a protective arm around herself, “What the hell do you want? Better question yet, why the hell are you in my house, in my room?”
He sighed heavily, “I can't let you ruin what you’ve worked for Buffy. It’d be the most bloody idiotic thing you could ever do. I love you to much to let you.”
Buffy let out a bitter laugh, “Yeah? Well then how come you're the reason I’m doing this huh? You made me feel like nothing more than a coke whore. I was just proving you right Spike.” Tears shone in her eyes.
He charged to her and picked her straight up off the chair, wrapping his arms around her. He buried his face in her arm and breathed deeply.
Buffy wanted to fight him off but it felt too good. She didn’t want to break the contact just yet.
“I didn’t mean it,” he whispered, “I’m a stupid git. Forgive me Buffy?”
she nodded against his chest and let her tears fall, “I’ve been clean three years Spike and the second you come back I can't handle it. Why is that? Why do I have to love you so much?”
“I thought you hated me,” he couldn’t help but smirk.
Buffy hit his chest lightly, “Shut up. I love you and I hate you so much it hurts. It hurts so bad.”
She was clear out sobbing now.
“Shhh, shhh, shhh,” he soothed, lying her down on her bed, “I’ll make it all better.”
She looked up at him with wide glassy eyes, “Will you hold me tonight? It doesn’t hurt as much when you're holding me.”
He nodded, “Okay kitten but first we should get rid of this.”
He was about to pocket the baggie but Buffy stopped him with a head shake, “Flush it Spike. Get rid of it. If you don’t I will.”
He sighed heavily and nodded. Sure he’d thought that he could just pocket it with out her noticing but it wasn’t working out that way. Bloody hell, “I’ll be back.” He started out of her room into the bathroom to flush it when her tiny voice stopped him, “Spike, I’m gonna save you know.”
He smiled slightly, “Yeah, I know.”
She nodded, “Good. Now I will be searching your pockets in the morning so I wouldn’t go in there and just flush the toilet to make me think you did it.”
“I wouldn’t expect anything less from you luv,” he chuckled as he made his way into the bathroom.
He looked down into the toilet then at the baggie of cocaine. He was about to slip it in his pocket and plan on making it out before she woke up but then her face flashed in his mind.
Bloody hell.
The toilet bowl water splashed as he dropped the baggie in the bowl and flushed.
He made his way back into Buffy’s bedroom to find her sound asleep.
He smiled at her tenderly before crawling in bed with her and wrapping two possessive arms around her. He kissed the top of her head affectionately and whispered, “I love you,” before he followed her into sleep.

I can remember the very first time I cried
How I wiped my eyes and buried the pain inside
All of my memories - good and bad - that's past
Didn't even take the time to realize

Starin' at the cracks in the walls
Cuz I'm waiting for it all to come to an end
Still I curl up right under the bed
Cuz its takin' over my head all over again

Do you even know who you are?
I guess I'm tryin' to find
A borrowed dream or a superstar?
I want to be a star
Is life good to you or is it bad?
I can't tell anymore
Do you even know what you have?

Lyin' awake watchin' the sunlight
How the birds will sing as I count the rings
around my eyes
Constantly pushing the world I know aside
I don't even feel the pain, I don't even want to
try

I'm lookin' for a way to become
The person that I dreamt of when I was sixteen
Oh, nothin' is ever enough
Ooh, baby, it ain't enough for what it may seem

Do you even know who you are?
I'm still tryin' to find
A borrowed dream or a superstar?
Everybody wants to be
Is life good to you or is it bad?
I can't tell anymore
Do you even know what you have?
No

Sorry girl, tell a tale for me
Cuz I'm wondering how you really feel
I'm a lonely girl, I'll tell a tale for you
Cuz I'm just tryin' to make all my dreams come
true

Do you even know who you are?
Oh, yeah, yeah
A borrowed dream or a superstar?
Oh, I wanted to be a star
Is life good to you or is it bad?
I can't tell, I can't tell anymore
Do you even know what you have?
I guess not, oh I guess not

Do you even know who you are?
Oh, I'm tryin' to find
A rising dream or a superstar?
Oh, I have a all these dreams
Is life good to you or is it bad?
I can't tell anymore
Do you even know what you have?
No, no
Do you even know what you are?
A rising dream or a fallen star?
Is life good to you or is it bad?

**********************************************************

AN: A bitter sweet chapter for you. I didn't want you all to think it was going to be all bad between the two but I have to warn, there is more angst ahead. Remember, nothing comes easily. Review if you love it, review if you like it, review if you even hate it.

AN: A bitter sweet chapter for you. I didn't want you all to think it was going to be all bad between the two but I have to warn, there is more angst ahead. Remember, nothing comes easily. Review if you love it, review if you like it, review if you even hate it. JUST REVIEW!!!!

**********************************************************

Buffy let out a small content sigh and snuggled closer to the warm body beside her. Her eyes shot open as the memories of the night before flooded back to her all at once. Her birthday. Giles. Spike. Fighting. Crying. Willow. Crying. The Bronze. Riley. Spike. Violent fucking. Fighting. Crying. Nate. Jack. Cocaine. Spike. Crying. Snuggling. Warmth. Love. Spike.
How ironic. The thing that made her so sad was the one thing that made her feel better.
That was just another day in the life of Buffy Summers.
She let out a bitter laugh. No, that was a day in the life of the old Buffy Summers, minus the Willow, Bronze and Riley factors of course.
It was so funny how the man she hated with all of her being was the one thing she loved more than anything. She must have lost her mind, she decided. She was insane. Ruby had always told her that if you felt like you were under control you weren’t going fast enough. She’d been under control and it had been wonderful. Now she was going too fast once again. She was getting dizzy. Why couldn’t she just slow down again? And to think, this was just Spike’s first day back in her life. She already knew that she was going to spin out of control. A small part of her wanted it to happen too. How sick was that?
Sure Buffy Summers didn’t have the perfect life in Sunnydale but anything was better than her old lifestyle. One currently living that lifestyle wouldn’t see this but she did. It was a big fucking neon sign too. Another bitter laugh escaped her chapped lips and she shook her head, starting to sit up on her elbows before discovering that she was trapped in between too strong, familiar arms. Home. It felt like home to be in his arms again. Yup her life was officially fucked up to the point of no return again. Great.
She sigh and settled down once again, knowing that she wasn’t going anywhere.
She turned her head to look at him. He was beautiful. Sure he had large sleep deprived circles under his eyes and she could see red scabs under his nose and he was a little too thin but other than that he was simply beautiful.
She’d once found it hard to think of a man as beautiful. Guys were meant to be handsome but not beautiful. Then there was Spike. He was a thing of pure beauty to her. She hated him for it.
She hated him for all the same reasons she loved him.
He challenged her and he made her feel. The last thing Buffy had ever needed in her life had been to be able to feel. Emotions just complicated things. The funny thing was that for someone who pushed her so hard to let go and give in into her emotions, she’d never seen him do that very thing once. Not in pain, emotional and psychical that it. Now when it came to pleasure he had no problem.
He always told her that he loved her and he’d always made her feel loved. She knew that he really did indeed love her but it the way he did. One second he was warm and loving the next he was stone. It made no sense at all.
But like she’d said, the times that he’d opened up to her and made her feel so loved that words themselves did the feeling no justice. Love just is.
She smiled and closed her eyes, letting all of those times consume her, for just one more time. At least that’s what she’d tell herself.

**********************************************************

Buffy Summers moaned happily as a she was pulled closer to a warm, hard body. The body of the man she loved. Coke had nothing on this, she thought with a content smile. She opened her eyes to see Spike looming over her.
“Mornin luv,” he said softly with a sleep roughened voice.
She let out a small giggle as he leaned in to give her a gentle kiss, “Good morning. This is nice.”
He nodded and rolled her on top of him, “Can we just stay this way forever?”
Buffy smiled before replying, “Forever is a really long time Spike.”
He nodded as he helped her position herself over his straining erection, “Not nearly long enough.”
The both let out long moans as Buffy sank down on him and started to ride him.
It didn’t take long for them both to reach their climaxes. It was all too good. Buffy collapsed onto his chest before stating, “You're right. Not nearly.”
She snuggled her head into his chest as one thought crossed her mind. This was what she wanted forever.

**********************************************************

Tears were forming in her hazel eyes. She quickly wiped them away. Forever. They had been supposed to be forever but she’d been right. Forever was a long time and nothing was forever. Not even love. A bitter laugh that was beginning to become all too familiar came again. Maybe this love would. Too bad that it would never work. Buffy opened her eyes and looked at the ceiling. Maybe she wasn’t supposed to be happy though. It would explain so much. Her eyes drifted closed again. Why didn’t everything have to be so damn complicated?

**********************************************************

When the night won't fall and the sun wont rise
And you see the best as you close your eyes
When you reach the top as you bottom out
But you understand what it's all about

Nothing's ever what it seems
In your life or in your dreams
It don't make sense, what can you do
So I won't try makin' sense of you

Love just is... whatever it may be
Love just is... you and me
Nothing less and nothing more
I don't know what I love you for... love just is

When you ask to stay and disappear
It seems you're gone but you're really here
When every move seems out of place
But every kiss is filled with grace

Some things never get defined
In your heart or in your mind
It don't make sense, what can you do
So I won't try makin sense of you

Don't ever ask me for reasons
I can't get to you
Don't ever ask me for reasons
Why I live for you... I just do

**********************************************************

AN: hello all again. I want to thank you all for the great reviews in which I appreciate to no end! I’m a little stuck on where I want to take this story so if tell me what you think. Just e-mail me or say it through a review and I’ll give you all a cookie! Oh and also I hope that ending each chapter with a song isn't too annoying. If you don’t like it tell me! All reviews are welcome but you know, just don’t rip me a new one. I’m new at this. Thanks ever so much!

The next time Buffy woke up Spike was gone. She sighed heavily and glanced over at her alarm clock. It was around eleven. Leaning up against the clock was a note. A smile broke over her face, pleased that Spike had left a note. She snatched it away from its resting spot and opened it.
Her face fell.

Buffy-

You looked too peaceful to wake up this morning so I decided to let you sleep. They called me in at the gallery for the day. I’ll see you around dinner so I’ll pick up Chinese for us.

Love Mom

Buffy closed her eyes and fell back against her soft pillows. Okay no note. He’d just left. She shook her head. What had she expected really? To wake up in his arms once more? Please. Besides, her mother would have died on the spot. She turned her head to look at the place he’d slept the night. Her hand drifted out and gently stroked the pillow. As if she’d touched fire, she yanked her hand back.
What the hell was wrong with her?
Riley. Buffy didn’t know where the thought had come from but it was there. Oh god, poor Riley. She was a terrible person. All he wanted to was to love her and here she was so madly and passionately in love/hate with her ex. Oh, she so couldn’t deal with this right now.
Buffy jumped out of bed and rushed over to her closet. She quickly dressed into a pair of jeans and a pale lilac colored cami with cream lace trim. She brushed her golden locks, applied some light lip gloss and she was out the door, only stopping to grab her khaki colored racer jacket. She had to talk to Riley. He had to be wondering what the fuck was going on. He was going to be so mad. He had every right to be mad though. She had never meant to hurt him. That’s why she had to be honest and end this as smoothly as possibly.

**********************************************************

Spike stared up at the ceiling in the bedroom of his current living arrangement. He felt like he was sinking.
He’d had her right there in his arms and it had been heaven. He hadn’t needed any cocaine to feel it. All he had needed was her. Now he didn’t have either. Now he was in hell.
He’d experienced some lows but none were quite like this one. Not even on the day of Ruby’s funeral. After Buffy had left and he’d broken down he’d went home and snorted his entire stash. Nearly bloody well killed himself he did. At least then he’d had the drugs to keep him from going under. This was the ultimate low.
The funny thing was, he was pretty sure not having her with him was the major contributor of this horrible feeling. He just wanted it to go away.
He didn’t know why he didn’t just go and snort some coke. Nothing was stopping him. Nate had said that as long as Spike paid him back, what he had here was his.
Oh yeah. Buffy. Her words from the night before replayed in his head. I’m gonna save you, you know.
The question was, did he really want to be saved?
A lazy smile crossed his face.
If it meant having her then bloody hell yes.

**********************************************************

Buffy took a deep, calming breath before ringing the Finn’s doorbell.
A few seconds pasted before Mrs. Finn answered the door and smiled at Buffy warmly, “Oh hello dear. Riley’s in his room. Why don’t you just go on up?”
Buffy smiled thankfully and entered the house, “Thanks Mrs. Finn.”
“Please, call me Helen,” she insisted with a very, please, call me mom look in her eye, “You know we all think very highly of you here in this house Buffy. You make our Riley so happy.” The look scared Buffy shitless.
Buffy put on a fake smile and nodded, “Okay, Helen it is. And thanks. Riley makes me happy too.”
Lie.
She just wanted to get out of there before “Helen” started asking for her dress measurements for a wedding dress.
She then turned and hurried up the stairs to Riley’s room.
“Come in,” Riley called to her as she knocked.
She took another calming breath and entered his room.
Reily was lounging on his bed reading Sports Illustrated. The Swim Suite addition of course.
“Hey,” he greeted her with his infamous boyish smile. Buffy’s heart broke for him there and then. God she was an evil bitch. She was here to break his heart and he didn’t have a clue in the world.
She couldn’t help but wince at the large black eye he was adorning. So, Spike could still pack a punch.
“What’s the matter?” he asked cautiously.
Buffy smiled sadly, “I’m sorry for last night Riley.”
He laughed and nodded, “Yeah um speaking of last night. Who was that and where did you disappear too?”
“That was my ex-boyfriend,” Buffy sighed, sitting down on the edge of Riley’s bed, “I, I didn’t know that he was at The Bronze too.”
He looked away and nodded, “Oh. He seems kinda possessive. All I did was say you're name and…” he trailed off.
Buffy couldn’t help but laugh a little, “Yeah, the concept that we’re over hasn’t exactly sunk into his head quite yet.” Shit, she was starting to lie to him. This was definitely going in the wrong direction.
But he left you this morning. The little bitchy voice in the back of Buffy’s head was coming back.
What does that say huh Buff? The asshole could have at least woken you up or left a note but no. He just fucking left.
The bitchy little voice made a valid point.
“Well that’s okay,” Riley smiled at her warmly, “You're mine. I know it and you know and that’s all that matters.”
Riley opened his arms in an invitation for her to snuggle up next to him.
Buffy mentally sighed and crawled over to her boyfriend. She rested her head against his chest as he wrapped her arms around her waist.
Buffy forced a smile over her lips, “Yeah. That’s all that matters.”
If he only knew what was really going on underneath this smile.

**********************************************************

What I'm standing on is sinking in
And I don't have a clue how to get off of it
But when I look at you there is hope
It's like you see the sadness in my eyes
You read the blue between the lines
You could be the one to hold me when I wanna cry

Underneath this smile
My world is slowly caving in
All the while
I'm hanging on
Cause that is all I know
Could you be the one to save me from every bad habit that has helped me dig this hole?
I've been hiding out for miles
Underneath this smile

I have walked this earth with broken bones
I've been keeping secrets under all these lights
But when you're around my defenses go
You don't let me run away from you
You don't let me twist and turn the truth
It feels as if I'm naked when you're standing in the room

Underneath this smile
My world is slowly caving in
All the while
I'm hanging on instead of letting go
Could you be the one to save me from every bad habit that has helped me dig this hole?
I've been hiding out too long
Underneath this smile
Underneath this smile
Oh, yeah

Underneath this smile
My world is slowly caving in
All the while
I'm hanging on instead of letting go
Could you be the one to save me from every bad habit that has helped me dig this hole?
Underneath this smile
Could you be the one to save me from every bad habit that has helped me dig this hole?
I've been hiding out for miles
Underneath this
Underneath this
Underneath this smile
What I'm standing on is sinking in

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Okay here’s another chapter for you all but I have to say I have a problem. 151 people read my latest chapter but how many of you review? 2. Come on people! I’m not picky about reviews. You can tell me that you love it, you can tell me you like it, you can even tell me you hate it. Like I said, I’m not picky! For the two of you that did review, ever so much thanks. This chapter was for you two.

I just wanna start out by giving props to Crystal who’s review kinda inspired this chapter. Thanks ever so much!

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“I couldn’t do it,” Buffy stated as she sat down next to Willow. They were meeting for coffee at The Espresso Pump.

Willow looked at Buffy sympathetically, “Oh Buff. I’m sorry. Is it really that hard?”

Buffy looked anywhere but at Willow, “Yeah, yeah it is.” She paused before continuing, “God Wills. I got there with full intent to tell Riley it was over but the second I looked at him, I felt so bad. I mean what did he ever do to me other than practically worship the ground I walk on? I’m an evil bitch. No wonder Spike left me that day.”

Willow’s head snapped up, “Buffy Summers don’t you even try that line. Yes Riley may pretty much worship the ground you walk on and he loves you a lot which makes you feel guilty about breaking up with him but what about you huh? And as for that Spike thing, that’s pure bullshit. You know it, I know it and he knows it.”

Buffy sighed heavily, “I’m sorry Wills, it’s just. Arg! I don’t even know what the problem is! This is all so fucked up.”

“You know a thing or two about addiction right?” Willow wasn’t asking.

Buffy looked away, “Willow, you know…”

“Answer the question Buffy,” Willow said, her resolve face forming.

Buffy looked up at Willow and nodded, “Yeah, I do know a thing or two about addiction.”

Willow smiled warmly at Buffy, “Well you may have gotten over the substance part of the Spike package but you're still very much addicted to the love.”

Buffy blinked at Willow a few times before laughing, “My god Willow. Cheesy much?”

Willow sighed, “I’m serious Buffy! Nothing’s perfect in life and in love. I don’t know from experience but I’m guessing that love is a more lethal, addicting drug than anything else and you and Spike are both hooked. Just go with it if it’s gonna make you happy.”

Buffy met Willow’s eyes briefly, “When did you get so damn insightful Wills?”

Willow just laughed cryptically.

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There was a loud knock on the door that woke Spike up. His head shot up to glare at the door. He shut his eyes to go back to back to sleep but the knocking persisted. With a loud grumble, Spike rolled out of bed and wandering into the living room to answer the door. Jack stood there fidgeting.

“Jack,” Spike said, a little surprised, “Bloody hell mate. I haven’t seen to you in a while.” He then paused, “Well actually I did see you sell to Buffy last night but other than that…”

Jack rubbed the back of his head, a thing anyone who knew him knew he did often.
“Yeah. I was kinda surprised when I saw her. I was also pretty surprised when Nate told me you were down here.”

Spike couldn’t help but laugh, “Yeah well, my da lives down here. Came to hit him up for some cash and found Buffy.” Hmm, it really had been bloody convenient.

Jack laughed back and nodded as Spike let him into the apartment, “What a deal. So I’m guessing you’ve talked to her.”

Spike sighed heavily, “Talked, yelled, fucked, you fill in the blanks. Did stop her from relapsing though.”

Jack grimaced, “Harsh man. You okay?”

“Yeah,” Spike sighed heavily, “Wanna take a swing at you and Nate though. She’s worked to hard to bloody well relapse over me.”

“Yeah, about that…” Jack started. He’d heard that Buffy had cleaned up her act and the second he saw her outside Sunnydale Liquors, he’d automatically not wanted to go through with the sale.

Spike shook his platinum head and wandered into the kitchen, grabbing two beers, “Let’s just forget about it mate. It doesn’t matter anymore. Stopped her and that’s what does.”

Jack nodded and took a seat on the comfy black leather sofa. Spike handed him a beer which he accepted and his old friend took a seat next to him.

As the red headed man was about to take a sip, he stopped and pulled something out of his coat pocket and threw it at Spike, “On me. Think of it as a welcome to Sunnydale present.”

Spike fingered the bag filled with white powder almost ruefully. There it was again. Wherever he turned was cocaine. For once in his life he wanted to get away from it.
The drug stared up at him with mocking eyes. You knew you were a drug addict when it started to taunt you. How badly he wanted to be just able to snort a few lines but it wasn’t the easy anymore. Buffy. He’d only been back all of two days and the bitch already had him more then ready and willing to give it up. And they said stopping was hard. It seemed almost bloody revolting now but he knew that if he just forgot all about Buffy and snorted some that all the pain would go away. It would fill the empty void that kept growing. Then again if he did give in, he might never have Buffy. Bloody hell things weren’t supposed to be this complicated when it came to drugs.

Jack tore him from his thoughts by announcing, “Oh shit man. I gotta jet. It was great seeing you again Spike. Give me a jingle some time and we can go out.”

Spike nodded, his eyes never living the small baggie, “Yeah. I’ll be sure to do that.”

A few seconds after Jack was out of the door, Spike stood and wandered into the bathroom.

“Hey Spike, I forgot…” Jack started as he re-entered the unlocked apartment. He stopped when he heard splash and a toilet flush. A smile crossed his face at the sound. Maybe, just maybe his friend was gonna be okay.

**********************************************************

Buffy found herself on the Finn’s front step for the second time that day. This time she was even more dead set then the last.

Riley answered the door. “Hey,” he smiled warmly.

Buffy wouldn’t let his boyish charm melt her this time. She wanted to be with Spike and that’s all the mattered. “Riley we need to talk,” Buffy stated, hinting him in on what was coming.

His smile faded as quickly as it had appeared, “Oh. Nothing good ever starts with those words.”

“No,” Buffy agreed as Riley stepped out of his house and they both took a seat on the front steps, “Riley I’m so sorry. I really am and you have to understand that I really did, do care about you but I’m…” she paused and took a deep breath, “I can't do this anymore. I’m sick of pretending. I just can't. It’s killing me.”

And it was true. Pretending to be Miss Little Perfect was eating her away inside faster than any drug ever could. It was killing her and it was so NOT the way she intended to go.

Riley was silent. He wouldn’t even look at her. A few beats passed before he asked, “Does this have something to do with your ex? From the other night?”

Buffy stared at him before deciding to be honest, “Yeah. I’m still in love with him and I don’t ever think there’ll be a time I’m not.”

Riley nodded, obvious pain etched across his face. Like a knife in the gut but she’d be okay. They both would. He’d move on with his life and forget all about it. For some reason the thought was comforting.

“I love you Buffy,” he stated softly, “I love you so much that I just want you to be happy.”

“I never meant to hurt you Riley,” Buffy sighed, “And I’m sorry it had to be this way. Thank you for understanding. You’ll find her, I know you will.”

He smiled sadly as they both stood and hugged for one final time, “I hope so.”
With that he went back into his house.

Buffy started at the door for a moment wistfully before turning and running down his steps and down the street. She had to find her man.

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well people, the stories coming to the end here. Just one more chapter and a prologue. Review please if you wanna know how it ends…

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Buffy and Spike both hurried towards her house. Buffy, planning on calling Nate to find out where Spike was staying and Spike to pour his heart out to his love. As if it was planned out by god himself, they reached her steps at the same time.

“Spike,” Buffy said quietly, a little insecurity leaking into her voice.

He looked up at her, “Buffy.”

Their eyes met and everything clicked all at once. The rest of the world didn’t matter. It was just them. It was perfect, even if it was only for that short moment.

Buffy practically launched herself into his arms and one thought crossed both of their minds. I’m home.

Spike pulled him to her tightly, getting her as close as physically possible. He buried his face into her golden hair, “Oh Buffy luv.”

She sighed happily and pulled away slightly to look into his deep blue eyes once more, “I love you. I’m not gonna let you go no matter how hard you try to push me away. The bitch is back and she ain’t going no where.”

Spike laughed and pulled her to him tightly once more, “Good. you were right Buffy. You're gonna save me.”

“I wouldn’t have it any other way,” Buffy whispered before kissing him deeply.

Everything was going to be okay. It was going to be extremely tough and there was going to be voices raised and tears cried but in the end, everything would be perfectly fine.

Today is gonna be the day
That they're gonna throw it back to you
By now you should've somehow
Realized what you gotta do
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do about you now
Backbeat the word was on the street
That the fire in your heart is out
I'm sure you've heard it all before
But you never really had a doubt
I don't believe that anybody feels
The way I do about you now

And all the roads we have to walk are winding
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding
There are many things that I would
Like to say to you
but I don't know how

Because maybe
You're gonna be the one that saves me ?
And after all
You're my wonderwall

Today was gonna be the day?
But they'll never throw it back to you
By now you should've somehow
Realized what you're not to do
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do
About you now

And all the roads that lead you there were winding
And all the lights that light the way are blinding
There are many things that I would like to say to you
I don't know how

I said maybe
You're gonna be the one that saves me?
And after all
You're my wonderwall

I said maybe
You're gonna be the one that saves me ?
And after all
You're my wonderwall

I Said maybe
You're gonna be the one that saves me

Five years latter…

Buffy sighed happily as she snuggled deeper into the arms of the man she loved. She rubbed her face into his hard chest and let her eyes drift open to meet blue.

Two strong arms encircled her waist, “Mornin Mrs. Giles.”

A small giggled escaped her lips, “Mornin to you to Mr. Giles.” They’d been married for exactly twenty three hours, sixteen minutes, and 22 seconds and loving every single moment of it.

Things had worked out just wonderfully. It had been hell getting to where they were but neither of them would take back a second of it. Both were perfectly clean and perfectly happy together.

A small, ironic smile crossed Buffy’s face. And here to think she’d thought forever wouldn’t have worked. This was forever and they were both going to cherish every day of it down to the last detail.

The End.