*What ravages of spirit conjured this temptuous rage?
Created you a monster; broken by the rule of love....
And fate has led you through it. You do what you have to do.
Oh, and fate has led you through it... You do what you have to do....
But I have the sense to recognize that I don't know how to let you go....*




The flame scorched her skin, but she couldn't let go.

Not now.

If this was his destiny, then it was hers as well.

Because she couldn't let him go.

"BUFFY!"

She didn't hear Faith scream her name, she didn't see the cavern walls shake, and she didn't feel the rocks hitting her as they fell.

Because all she could see was him. The man in front of her, the man she had denied for so long, the man she had broken.

The man she loved.

"Buffy. You have to go, love."

Her eyes were wide as tears streamed down her cheeks.

"I can't."

He shuddered as heat singed his skin.

"You have to-" They were jarred as a boulder fell by their feet. "-Buffy, you have to go now!"

She slowly shook her head and he squeezed her hand.

"Why?"

Her lips trembled and her breathing was erratic. but her eyes never left his.

"Because I love you."

The smile that crossed his face out shined the light surrounding him.

"Then you have to go."

She shook her head and gripped his hand.

"I can't-"

"For me." His eyes twinkled with the light of his soul. "Live for me, Buffy."

Her face crumbled as she nodded her head, unlacing their flaming fingers.

"What if I don't know how?"

A smile crossed his face and he gave her a wink.

"You will. You're my girl."

She smiled and nodded her head.

"Yeah." Tears made there way down her face when he smiled. "I'm your girl."

The ground at her feet began crumble and she sobbed as she stepped away from him.

"I love you, Spike."

He smiled at her and gave a joyful laugh as he nodded his head.

"I love you, Buffy."

She forced herself to turn away and ran up the stairs, the sound of his laughter ringing in her ears.

*Every moment marked with apparitions of your soul.
I'm ever swiftly moving; trying to escape this desire...
The urning to be near you, I do what I have to do...
Oh, the urning to be near you... I do what I have to do...
But I have the sense to recognize that I don’t know how to let you go...
That I don’t know how to let you go...*


She walked through the cloud of dust, uncaring that it stuck to her clothes.

She had to go. She had to be fast, had to find something to keep her busy. She had to keep from thinking.

Because only one thing ever crossed her mind.

But it's no use.

He's her shadow.

He's in every thought, every movement, every breath she takes.

She remembers things he did, things he said. She remembers how much he loved her and she remembers how she shoved him away.

She curses herself for being so blind, for being so stupid.

He wasn't a monster.

He was a man. The man who loved her. The man who let her use him, protected her sister, and the man who took her out of the hell her friends brought her into and took her back to heaven.

She remembers the way he moved, the way he fought, the way he kissed. The way he looked at her in love as her fists bruised him.

His love wasn't sick or perverse.

It was a miracle.

A demon, a soulless demon spawned from the pits of hell, loved her. He fought against his instincts and he changed. For her. He nearly died, just to give her what he thought she deserved.

She didn't deserve him at all.

Her eyes still burned from the light the surrounded him. His soul. That he won, for her. That he gave, for her.

She doesn't wipe the tears as they fall down her face, she doesn't really notice them anymore. They're always there.

She clenches her hand trying to remember the feel of his.

The way he held her, the way he looked at her. Just knowing he was there.

She aches for him.

*Glowing ember, burning hot....burning slow.
And deep within, I'm shaken be the violence of existing for only you...
I know I can’t be with you... I do what I have to do...
Oh, I know I can’t be with you... I do what I have to do...
But I have the sense to recognize that I don’t know how to let you go...
Don’t know how to let you go,
Don’t know how.....to let you go....
I don’t know how to let you go.......*



He saved her one hundred and forty eight times in his dreams and he's saved her two hundred and sixteen in his death.

Every night he saves her.

Every night his words keep her fighting, keep her from letting a demon send her into his arms.

She made a promise.

She pushes the thought of resting with him forever away and ducks as the demon swings his sword at her neck.

She steps over the demon and walks toward home, not noticing the heart clutched in her fist.

Giles is waiting for her when she comes in and he pales at the sight of her. Bruised and bloody, a dripping heart clutched in her tiny palm.

"Good Lord, Buffy." He takes her by the arm and walks her to the bathroom. He points to her hand and her brow furrows at the sight of the bloody heart. It drops to the floor with a splat and is forgotten.

He washes her hand gently with a cloth and shakes his head.

"I just- I don't understand why you're doing this. Why you're tormenting yourself."

He let her arm drop only to pick up her other hand and give it the same soft washing.

"I know you were fond of him, I know you relied on him-" She pulled her hand away and looked at him with glassy green eyes.

"I loved him."

She let out a breath and tried to control the torrent of tears trying to escape her eyes. Her lips trembled and her shoulders shook, her breath coming in short pants.

"I loved him. And I didn't reali-" Her breath was coming faster, spurred on by her sobs. "And I didn't realize until it was to late. I didn't realize how much I needed him. How much I still need him."

Giles had never felt more like her father, than when he pulled her trembling body into his arms and held her as his own tears fell. He held her until his knees gave away and they slid to the floor, sobs still shaking her small body.

He pulled her face away and wiped the tears from her cheeks, urging her to look into his eyes.

"You have to go on, Buffy. You have to live."

She nodded her head and tears fell onto his hands.

"I know. I promised him. But I don'-" A sob hitched in her chest. "I don't know how. Now that I know what I've lost-" She shook her head and clutched his shoulders. " I don't know how."

She dropped her face back into his chest and Giles held her as she wept.

* I go to bed, I dream of you...*


The light was blinding.

It held her. She was bound to it, couldn't move.

But why would she want to move?

"Buffy."

His face. His beautiful face was there, in front of her, his smile shining like the sun.

"Spike."

She heard the sizzle of her tears falling into the fire surrounding them. But she didn't feel the heat. She could only feel him, his arms around her, holding her while she cried tears of joy.

"I've been waiting for you, love."

She smiled and clutched him when she felt the fire lick at her feet. She felt it as the fire swirled around them, consuming them. She closed her eyes in rapture, holding onto the man she loved, fulfilling her destiny. Heaven would be so much sweeter with him by her side.

"Buffy!"

She opened her eyes as she was jerked out of his arms.

She blinked as she looked at the walls of her bedroom, reality slamming into her. She fell back against her pillow, sobs wracking her tiny body.

Dawn watched helplessly as her sister broke down.

"Buffy. I- I'm sorry. I wish- I wish there was something I could do, I don't..." Her words trailed into silence and she could feel her own tears begin to fall.

"Just- just hold me."

She barely heard the whispered words. She laid down and opened her arms, wrapping them tightly around Buffy as she burrowed into her sisters chest. She softly stroked her hair, trying to offer any comfort she could.

"You know, one time when- when you were... gone, I couldn't find him." Buffy pulled her face back and peered up at her. Dawn looked out the window, lost in memories of her own. "I looked everywhere. His crypt, the Bronze, even the Magic Box, but he wasn't anywhere. I walked through the graveyard on my way back to the house, I was gonna stop by and... visit you. I figured that Spike was at Willy's, maybe with Clem. But I was walking and I heard something. I got scared, I mean, I knew better than to be out there, but I wanted to see you." She squeezed Buffy as if to reassure herself. " I knew it was gonna be some demon, I just knew it. I started to run, but then, I just- I didn't care anymore. Maybe it would-" Her lips trembled as tears rolled down her cheeks. "Maybe it would have let me be with you and mom."

"Dawnie." Buffy grasped her and held her tightly as she finished her tale.

"So I went looking for it. I could hear all these moans, these really strange sounds. I followed them all the way to your grave and that's where I found him. Spike."

Buffy sucked in a breath and tightened her jaw, fresh pain running rampant.

"He was- he was pitiful. He was laying down on top of your grave, clawing at the grass. Crying, weeping, begging for God to bring you back."

Buffy couldn't catch her breath, her lungs burned and her eyes blurred with tears.

"He said he would do anything. He just needed to see you, to just- just be near you. He said he needed his soul back." Her brow furrowed and she looked at her sister. "And I didn't realize until now... That he was talking about you."

Dawn looked out the window and held Buffy as she wept.

"You were his soul."

*You're my strength, you're my weakness... You're my faith, you're my doubt...*


Buffy followed Dawn as she made her way through the shop, stopping if she saw something that caught her eye and making idle chit-chat. Dawn had drug her out of the house in an attempt to cheer her up and of course getting out of the house meant one thing for Dawn. Shopping.

She wasn't really looking at anything, she just followed Dawn and made the required comments if she found something she particularly liked. Dawn was trying on a ring when something sparkled in the corner of her eye. She walked over to the glass case and felt her breath hitch in her chest.

The silver cross dangled from it's long chain and the the bright blue stone nestled in the middle, shimmered as it caught the fluorecent lights.

She had only seen this color blue belong to one thing.

It was the color of his eyes.

The sales woman saw her staring and walked over to lean on the counter beside her.

"It's beautiful, isn't it?" Buffy barely nodded her head, her eyes trained on the cross. "I've never seen this color of blue before. We just got it in this morning. The stone is Blue Tanzanite from Africa. It's a very rare gem, especially here in England."

The sales woman prattled on, but Buffy payed her no mind. She was caught in the stone, the way it twinkled, not the way his eyes did, but close.

"I'd like to buy this."

The woman paused mid sentence and regarded Buffy with a hopeful smile.

"It's three hundred dollars, ma'am."

Buffy jerkily nodded her head and answered in a hoarse voice as she reached for her purse.

"That's fine."

Dawn walked over and stared at Buffy, before looking at the delicate cross.

"It really is beautful. It looks just lik-"

"I know." She spoke quickly and clenched her fist, waiting for the woman to hand her the necklace. "I don't need a box, I'd like to wear it."

The woman looked up and handed Buffy her reciept before slipping the cross into her outstretched palm.

Buffy slipped the delicate chain over her neck and shivered as the cold silver landed on her heart.

"A perfect fit. Right above your heart."

Buffy nodded her head and pressed the cross furthur into her skin as she turned to leave. She turned back as the woman spoke to her and gave her gentle smile.

"Keep your faith, miss. It's the only thing that will see you through."

Buffy looked at the woman and saw the wisdom in her kind eyes. She looked down at the necklace and nodded as the blue stone twinkled.

"I will."

Buffy walked out of the store into the sun, her hand never straying from it's hold on the cross.


*You're my faith...*

*If I could hold you know, just for a moment, if I could really make you mine... Just for a while turn back the hands of time, if I could only hold you know...*

Buffy walked to the top of the hill, a stake in one hand and her other hand wrapped around the cross hanging from her neck. She stopped when she reached the top, her eyes taking in the lights of the town below. A shiver ran through her as the wind picked up and rustled through the trees. She knelt down on the soft grass and looked up to the sky and the thousands of stars winking at her. She let out a shaky breath and gripped the cross tightly in her hands.

"Do you know how hard it is?" She spoke her words to the night sky and tried to hold back the tears. "Living here without you? Remembering all the time I wasted. All the time I could've-" A sob hitched in her chest. "Could've spent in your arms. All the things I should have told you, things I denied for so long. I was so wrong."

She shook her head and the stake in her hand splintered as she clenched her fist in anger.

"So fucking stupid. I hurt you so much and you- you just came back for more. How? How could you want me? I was the monster! Me." Her hand thumped hard against her chest. "All you did was love me. All you did was love me and what did I do to you, huh? I destroyed you. I pushed and pushed, trying to prove myself right. Trying to prove that you really were a monster. And I did, didn't I? I finally pushed enough." Blood ran down her hand as she stood to her feet, yelling at the sky. Yelling at him.

"And what did you do? You won your soul. For me. Why? Why did you do that? I wasn't even worthy of the demon, how could I have ever been worthy of your soul?!" She ran her bloody hands through her hair and gripped her head as she cried. "Why couldn't I see. Why did I have to be so fucking self- righteous." She slumped to the ground, her energy drained.

"Why didn't you let me die there with you? Why did I have to make that stupid promise? Because I can't do it. I can't live without you. Now that I know, now that I've realized what you mean to me."

Her blood smeared across the smooth stone as she gripped the cross in her hands, her body falling back to the ground as she wept.

"Spike..."


*If you could only hear me now, crying somewhere through the lonely nights, dreaming of the arms that held me tight... If you could only hear me now...*

*I mistook the warnings for wisdom
From so called friends quick to advise
Though your touch was telling me otherwise
Somehow I saw you as a weakness
I thought I had to be strong
Oh but I was just young, I was scared, I was wrong*



Sometimes she hates them.

Her friends.

The people who supposedly love her the most. The ones who ripped her from paradise. Twice.

Sometimes she blames them.

She remembers what they said, the way they ridiculed him, shamed her for even thinking of touching him. They ignored her, just as long as she was back to fight their battles, she was fine. They were heroes for saving her from a tortuous hell dimension. They knew what was best for her. Thank God they were here to make her decisions, to save her from loving a monster.

It's their fault. Their fault she couldn't love him, their fault that she beat him and used him.

That's right. It's all-- her fault.

She listened to them, let them influence her decisions, instead of her heart.

Why did she listen to them?

She knew what was right. She could feel it every time he touched her. It was right.

He was right.



*Guess I did what I did believing
That love is a dangerous thing
Oh but that couldn't hurt anymore than never knowing...*


She threw him away.

She threw him away and went back to a life that she couldn't stand.

It could have been wonderful.

She could have had him in her life, he could have been there when she woke up. There beside her, giving her that loving smile that had scared her to death. He could have been there with her, beside her, facing anything that came their way, together. He could have healed her. Instead throwing him away, she could have embraced him. He was the balm that mended her soul.

What might have happened if he had been there with her everyday? Helping her to fall back into her life, instead of taking her away from it.

He could have.

He could have helped her to remember how beautiful Heaven was, but see how much the world still needed her. He could have stood beside her. He could have been her man, her love.

Instead of her dirty little secret.

It wasn't their fault at all.

It was hers.

Buffy rolled over and looked at the pillow beside her, trying to imagine that he was there. Tired and sated after making love to her. She could just see his beautiful eyes droop as he gave her a peaceful smile, feel his arms as they pulled her to him, ready to go to sleep curled around her, protecting her from the world.

She clutched the pillow to her and held onto it as she cried for what could have been.



*Not a night goes by
I don't dream of wandering
Through the home that might have been
And I listened to my pride
When my heart cried out for you
Now every day I wake again
In a house that might have been a home...*

*All the little children are laughing...
I'm trying to find a reason to keep from cryin'...*


Buffy walked into her room with the dusty satchel clutched to her chest. It had been three months since they arrived to the new headquarters in England and she still hadn't unpacked the small amount of belongings they had stashed in the bus. She sat down on the bed and unzipped the bag, a small smile forming at the sight of a furry pink pig. She brought it to her chest for a quick cuddle before putting him on the bed. She reached her hand back inside and slowly pulled the doll out.

Raggedy Ann.

God, how she loved this doll. She remembered the days of dragging it around, the dozens of times her mother had washed it. She figured it probably definitely needed a wash now. She brought it to her nose and took a deep breath, only to lose it.

It smelled like-- him.



*I'm just a little girl
I'm Raggedy Ann
Making believe I'm happy, hey...Raggedy Ann Falling apart at the seams...*


~Three Months Earlier~


"What the bloody hell am I sitting on?" Spike pulled the doll out from under him by it's red yarn hair. He brought it around to stare at it, before looking at her, scarred eyebrow raised.

Buffy looked over at him and frowned, a small pout forming.

"It's Raggedy Ann."

Spike pursed his lips together and nodded his head, amusement clearly written on his face.

"Shut up." Buffy narrowed her eyes and batted her hand half heartedly at him.

He dodged her with a small chuckle and brought the doll to his face, breathing deep.

"It smells like you." He took another deep breath before Buffy jerked it out of his hands, stuffing it into the napsack she was packing.

"Give it to me before it starts to smell like you."

He gave her a mock offended look and shot her a quick wink.



*So when did I get so broken?
I wouldn't notice...
Everything just breaks away from me.
Hey! When did I get so broken?
I wouldn't notice...
Everything important leaving me.
Falling apart at the seams.*



Buffy sucked in a breath when her lungs began to burn and buried her face in the dolls tattered body, soaking it with her tears, the memory of him racing through her head.


*Falling apart at the seams...*

*Woke up this morning
With this feeling inside me that I can't explain
Like a weight that I've carried
Has been carried away, away
But I know something is coming
I don't know what it is
But I know it's amazing, you save me
My time is coming
And I'll find my way out of this longest drought...*



Dawn walked into the dark bedroom and looked at her sleeping sister. A small smile drifted across her face at the sight of the worn Raggedy Ann doll clutched in Buffy's arms. But the smile quickly vanished when she looked at her swollen eyes and tear stained pillow. Dawn shook her head and sat down on the edge of the bed, there had to be something. Something she could do to make Buffy realize what she was doing. Killing herself.

She got up and walked to the window, ripping the dark curtains aside, allowing the sun to pour inside. She looked back when the sheets rustled and watched as Buffy squinted her swollen eyes against the light.

"What the hell are you doing?"

Dawn looked at her and mentally braced herself for what she was about to do.

"I'm gonna show you."

"Show me what?" Buffy sighed and rolled over, burrowing down into the covers.

"The reason he died."

The blankets stilled and she could hear the sharp intake of breath beneath them. Buffy slowly pulled the sheet away from her face and regarded her with wide eyes.

"What did you say?"

Dawn turned back to the window and watched as the sun peeked over the hill it had hid behind.

"This. This sunrise. This day. This is what he died for. For the world. For us." She turned and looked at Buffy. "For you."

Buffy closed her eyes and held in her tears as her lips trembled.

"For you to live." Dawn walked over and sat on the bed, her small hand lifting Buffy's eyes to her own. "To be happy, Buffy. You can live now. You're not the only one any more. You can go and do what ever you want to, the only responsibility you have now, is to yourself."

Buffy shook her head and clenched her fists.

"You don't understand."

"I don't?" Dawn narrowed her eyes, breathing deeply. "Do you even realize how much-" She let out a small humorless laugh and closed her eyes against her tears. "How much I miss him? How much I would give just to see him? Just to tell him that..." Tears spilled down her cheeks as she opened her eyes. "I'm sorry. That I love him. That I'm still his little bit."

"Dawnie." Buffy covered her hand and gave it a gentle squeeze.

"I never got a chance to tell him. That even though he hurt us, I still loved him." Dawn looked at her with weary eyes. "So I think I understand, Buffy."

Buffy pulled Dawn into a tight hug, holding her as she cried. They sat just comforting each other until Dawn pulled back and wiped at her eyes.

"But there is something we can do now. We can live for him. " She looked out the window and gripped Buffy's hand. "He did this for us Buffy. He died so we could live. So we could be happy and safe. We can't throw that away. We're just sitting here, hiding away from the world that is here because of him. We can't let him have died in vain, we can't throw his sacrifice away."

Buffy stood from the bed and slowly walked toward the window, closing her eyes as the sun warmed her face. She reached for her cross and gripped it, a small smile tugging at her lips.

~Live for me.~



*It feels like today, I know It feels like today, I'm sure
Its the one thing that's missin'
The one thing I'm wishin'
Life's sacred blessin'
It feels like today
Feels like today...*


"It's not gonna happen over night, Buffy. It hurts, God it hurts. And it's gonna be hard. But-" Dawn walked over and turned Buffy to face her, looking into her eyes with a slight smile. "Today- Today can be the beginning. We can do it, Buffy. We can live for him."

Buffy nodded her head as tears slipped from her eyes. Dawn pulled her close and they held each other until their tears turned into laughter.



*So while this storm is breaking
While there's light at the end of the tunnel
Keep running towards it
Releasing the pressure, that's my heartache
Soon this dam will break...*


Buffy walked out the door and gripped Dawn's hand as she looked out onto the street. She watched people walk by, she listened to the cars, and she listened to the birds.

He did this.

These things were here because of him. Because of his sacrifice.

Because of his love.

She looked over at Dawn and gave her a smile as she stepped onto the sidewalk.


*And it feels like today...*

*But if it's only tears and pain
Isn't it still worth the cost?
Like some sweet saving grace
Or a river we must cross
If we don't understand
What this life is made of
We learn the truth
When we find that kind of love...*


Buffy walked to the top of the hill, closing her eyes as the light breeze chilled her skin. She looked out over the town and sighed, sitting down on the cool grass. This was her place. It was peaceful, she could come here and just sit for hours, thinking and dreaming.

About him.

The tears still came, but they were usually followed by a smile, when she remembered something he did or something he said. The pain wasn't as harsh as it used to be. She had tried to come to terms with the fact that she had lost something precious, something that she loved. It was hard for her, knowing that it could have been different and she had come dangerously close to begging Willow send her back, to just let her have another chance. But she didn't, she was going to live now, in the world he had saved. He had fulfilled his destiny and it was up to her to fulfill hers. To live.

It had been nearly two months since Dawn had literally shown her the light. Everyday she thinks of him and every breath she takes, he's there with her. It's a struggle, but she's determined to keep her promise.

'Til the end of the world.


*Spend my nights alone,
Catching falling stars,
To give to you, love.
They're just for you...*


She loved to look at the stars. The way they twinkled, some bigger and brighter than the rest. She remembered how Spike had tried to point the constelations to her one night, but she couldn't see them then and she still couldn't see them now. She wasn't really looking at them that night anyway, she was watching him. The way his eyes sparkled as he spoke, more beautiful than the stars could ever wish to be.

She leaned back on her arms and sighed, smiling as a star shot across the dark sky. She closed her eyes and made a quick wish, smiling at the wonderful thoughts drifting through her mind. A second chance.

What would she do with a second chance?

"I would love you." She spoke aloud and fresh tears spilled from her eyes. "I would love you the way you deserve to be loved. I know I probably wouldn't be able to, but I would try. God, what I would do..." She brought her hand to her face and covered her mouth with her fist.

"I'd tell you how sorry I am. For hurting you, for everything... I'm sorry... so sorry..." Her voice trailed away and she buried her face in knees, rocking back and forth as she wept.

"I'd show you, show you how much I love you. Because I do, I love you so much, Spike. I love you..."

"I love you, too."


*Sometimes, we get second chances...*

Her lungs were burning.

When did she stop breathing?

She turned her head, but her eyes were shut tight.

It was her mind, her imagination.

He wouldn't be there when she opened her eyes and her heart would shatter all over again.

Her lips trembled and tears escaped her tightly sealed eyes making their way down her cheeks.

Why did she torment herself like this? Why did she- "Buffy."

Her eyes snapped open when a gentle hand brushed her tears away. Her breathing was erratic, her eyes were wide and unbelieving. She shook her head and sucked in harsh breaths.

It couldn't be real. He couldn't be real. She was dreaming, she was hallucinating, she was- "Love?"

He was real.

He pulled her to him before she could hit the ground and cried as she clung to him. Her nails dug into his skin and he couldn't breath, but he didn't care. He pulled her face from his neck so she could breath, already on the verge of hyperventalating. Her whole body was shaking with sobs and she clung to him, crying and laughing with joy.

He was back.


*What did I do... to deserve you?*


She clung to him, tears streaming down her face.

She couldn't let him go. Not again. This couldn't be a dream, it was too real. But what if it was? What if--

"Please, please God... Please don't let me be dreaming..."

"You're not dreaming, love." He pulled her face away and looked into her eyes, smiling at the love he found there.

He was here, he was standing in front of her, holding her, gazing at her with eyes that haunted her. There was so much to say, so much she needed to tell him, but the words wouldn't come.

Everything she had planned, nights she lay awake thinking of the words she would say to him- They weren't enough.

They were nothing, no where close to what he deserved to hear.

"Buffy? You alright, love?" He smoothed a soft hand across her cheek and in that one touch, she was healed.

Her battered heart was healed.

And it was his.

She needed to tell him, needed to show him-

"Love?'

But the words still wouldn't come. She nodded her head and a smile blossomed across her face.

And he knew.

She drew him back into her arms and just held him, savoring the feel of his body against hers. She never thought she would get to do this, never thought he would be back, what did she do to deserve him?

Fresh tears started and he pulled back to wipe them away.

"Let's get you back, yeah?"

She smiled and nodded her head, clutching him to her as he turned to make his way down the hill.

He slowed when he felt her stop and turned back to see her gazing to the sky.

"Sweetheart?"

She turned to look at him and her heart skipped a beat, he was really here.

Looking back toward the sky, she felt a tear slide down her cheek.

She had never done anything to deserve this, she doubted she ever would, but-

"Thank you."

The stars twinkled as she turned back to him, giving him a smile before letting him lead her down the small hill.

"You shoulda seen the look on Ole' Rupes face when he opened that door. Priceless..."

*I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you*


Buffy looked at the man beside her, lost in his dreams, but at home in her arms.

She couldn't sleep, couldn't do anything but look at him and smile. Even as tears raced down her cheeks, her smile grew wider.

He was here... He was home.

How did she go so long, without realizing how much she loved him? How much she needed him to make her life complete.

For so long she had tried to convince herself that what she wanted was to be normal, to have a normal man to love her.

But she realized after it was to late, that why should she want normal, when she could have extrordinary? She wasn't a normal girl, why did she want a normal boy?

She didn't.

But if you hear something long enough, you'll believe it.

She convinced herself that it was wrong, he was wrong, and she was wrong in messing with him.

He was a vampire. Vampire's didn't love. They weren't supposed to know how.

And yet... They weren't supposed to smile or laugh, weren't supposed to protect their enemies sisters, and they weren't supposed to lie back and take punch after punch from their enemies hand.

Spike had swept through and painted her black and white world red.

He didn't have a soul and yet, even if he hadn't realized it, he sought one and fought for it.

For her.


*Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you*


He truly loved her.

He had to. Why would he put up with her otherwise?

He didn't have to take her shit. He could have told her to hit the road or he could have just killed her. He didn't have to put up with her beatings or harsh words just because he wanted sex.

Spike was gorgeous. The ultimate package, with the cheekbones, the eyes, the body, the accent... He could have any woman he wanted, a different one in his bed every night.

But he didn't.

He wanted her. Broken, confused Buffy.

Because he loved her.

And she had chastised him for it.

It was his fault. He made her feel.

Made her feels things she wasn't supposed to, and she could lie to her concious, tell herself that it wasn't love...

But she couldn't convince her heart.

She had thought she loved Angel, thought her world had crumbled when he walked away.

But she didn't know love until her world had literally crumbled and took him with it.

"You never realize what you have... until it's gone." Xander had whispered in her ear, sitting in the back of the bus, cradling her as she cried.

Because he had lost something as well.

But she had something that he might never have.

A second chance.


*I think about the years I spent just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true*


Her smiled grew when sleepy blue eyes fluttered open.

"Buffy?"

A tear escaped as he regarded her, concern and love swirling in his eyes.

"I was so wrong..."

His eyes widened and fear flooded them as he listened to her.

"Before... the things I did, things I said... all that time... time that I wasted, when I could've..."

He let out the breath he was holding and found her hand, giving it a gentle squeeze as he wiped her tears away with a smile.

"Things happen for a reason, Buffy. Everything that's happened was meant to be. It's part of something much bigger than us, love."

She sniffled as she nodded and gladly fell into his arms when he reached for her.

"And to tell you the truth... I don't think that I would change a thing."

She pulled her head back and regarded him with a raised eyebrow that could rival his own.

"Even all those times I was hitting you or calling you names?"

He quirked his brow and gave her a thoughtful glance.

"Well, now that you mention it..." He smiled as she giggled, but soon turned serious once again.

"No..." He shook his head and stared out the window, thinking about their past. He looked back at her and she smiled at the light in his eyes.

"I saved the world, Buffy." And he wasn't gloating or bragging-

He was thankful.

She nodded and smiled at him, cupping his cheek.

"Yeah. You did." She brought his lips to hers and gave him a kiss that soothed them both. She buried her head in his chest and sighed, once again thanking anyone listening for bringing him back to her.

"I did for you, you know." Hot tears burned her eyes and her chin trembled as he ran his fingers through her hair. "I'd do anything for you."

The last words were whispered, but they rang in her ears. She lifted her head and tears slid down her face, only to drop and mingle with his.

"I know."

He cupped her face and ran his thumb across her trembling lips.

"I love you, Buffy."

She sucked in a breath and smiled, mirroring him by cupping his cheeks, wiping his tears away.

"I love you, Spike.

The smile that lit up his face made her realize that maybe...

Maybe she wouldn't change anything either.




*Now I'm just rolling home
Into my lover's arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you*