Summary: Human. AU. B/S What would you do if you hurt the one you loved and thought that there was no chance for reconciliation? Would you try anyway? Can Spuffy survive? M/F
Categories: NC-17 Fics Characters: None
Genres: Angst
Warnings: Sexual Situations
Challenges: Series: None
Chapters: 3
Completed: No
Word count: 9136
Read: 4327
Published: 03/01/2005
Updated: 03/01/2005
1. Everybody hurts by pangsofblue
2. Everybody hurts_2 by pangsofblue
3. Everybody hurts_3 by pangsofblue
Everybody hurts by pangsofblue
Human. AU. Pain and anguish. I am trying something new. Let me know if you like it…hate it…whatever… First two chappies RE WRITTEN, CHAPTER 3 NEW.
Everybody hurts
‘I knew it. I shouldn’t have left. If I hadn’t left maybe... Maybe things would have been different. Maybe if I hadn’t taken it so hard. But you don’t understand. She was the love of my life. Still is if you take into account the fact that I hopped on a fucking plane after one tearful phone call.
Buffy.
The one woman who could reduce me to tears. Even after all this time…I still ache for her. I still wake up dreaming she is in my arms and that I didn’t fuck things up. We didn’t fuck things up. The one woman I would die for, kill for, she’s what I live for. I knew one day she’d call me back to her. I knew it. I could tell from the silent phone calls. Well almost silent anyway.
I guess I should start at the beginning, when we met and all of the things that happened to us. Maybe then you can understand.’
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’I knew he’d come. I knew all I needed to do was pick up the phone and ask him to. I hung up, cuddled my pillow tighter and tried to stop crying. He’s coming, so it’s easier to take deep calming breaths. Everything is easier. Now that I know he’s on his way.
Spike. William.
The only man who knows me better than I know myself. I wish things could have been different for us. Things got so messed up. That’s why I’m so glad I called him. I should have done it two years ago. Hell I never should have let him leave. We both made decisions that we regret…I’m sure of that. But I knew if I picked up the phone…I knew he’d come.
Maybe I should start at the beginning, when we met…’
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“William? William Giles? I’m Buffy, the student assigned to show you around for the day…”
“It’s Spike.” I practically growled as I turned around to face whomever it was that had called me by my given name, ready to kick ass and take names, I swear. Until I got a good look at her. My breath caught in my throat.
“Spike? What kind of name is that?” Scoffing, she flipped her beautiful golden hair over her shoulder and smiled coyly at me.
That was it. Bang. Love at first sight. I didn’t believe that you could just look at someone and fall in love but she had that affect on me. I couldn’t breathe in her presence, she captivated me, she bloody well stunned me, and made my heart race ten thousand miles a bloody minute it felt like. I wanted so badly to take her in my arms and kiss her, pull her body tightly against mine and never let her go.
But one couldn’t do that on their first day of high school. Especially at a new school. Especially when you didn’t know anyone. Especially when this gorgeous creature had been assigned to show me around the school, assigned to be with me all day.
Bloody lucky that. So I smiled my cockiest smile and leaned a little closer. I licked my lips and looked straight into her big green eyes. “What kind of name is Buffy?” I raised one eyebrow and smirked again.
“I asked you first.” She squealed poking me in the stomach. I caught her hand and didn’t let go.
“It’s my nickname, Friends gave it to me…they were teasing me about my hair…It just stuck.” I noticed that she didn’t let go of my hand. I smiled at that. “So…What about you pet?”
“My baby sister…when she started talking…she couldn’t say ‘Elisabeth’. She called me Buffy…It just stuck.” She was still letting me hold her hand.
“Where to first?” I asked as I started walking. She kept my hand.
“First class is science. After that, math then gym.” We arrived in front of a classroom and she stopped. “Mr. Trebly teaches Science, he’s ok.” She kept hold of my hand and pulled me through the door. We took seats beside each other. She didn’t drop my hand until the teacher walked in through the door.
We kept stealing little glances at each other throughout the class and as soon as it ended she reached for my hand again. From that moment on we were inseparable.
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So Snider (yes the weasel of a principal) decided that he was going to punish me by ‘forcing’ me to show the new guy around. What an idiot. Spike was…well gorgeous is totally an understatement. When he turned around and growled, yes growled at me that his name was Spike…I knew. I knew I was going to fall in love with him. So I let him hold my hand, I let myself fall in love with him. And it was so easy, so easy.
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Xander and Willow. The three of them had been friends since diapers, all of their mother’s had taken them to the same playgroup. Every Tuesday and Thursday for two years. Once school started their friendship deepened and strengthened. They needed each other.
It is very rare to remain friends with someone that long. She told me all about them in gym. It was just before lunch. Just before I would meet them. I was terrified. What if they didn’t like me and that made Buffy turn her back on me. I was already falling for her. Hard.
I opened the door to the cafeteria and let her walk in first. As soon as I walked through beside her she grabbed my hand and led them to the table they always sat at. I pulled out her chair and pushed it in once she sat down.
She made the introductions. Her friends? They welcomed me with open arms. It felt wonderful to be accepted just like that.
I think they could tell I had fallen for Buffy. Who wouldn’t? She was smart and gorgeous. And so bloody sweet. God. I love her so much. I kept stealing glances at her. I think my smile could have lit up the room when she pulled my hand into hers and rested them against my thigh.
Over the next couple of months we became couples Buffy and I, Xander and Willow.
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It shocked me when Willow and Xander became a couple. Then I realized that they were just waiting for me to find someone so they could tell me they were in love. I started noticing glances they were stealing at each other. So that's how it was. The four of us together.
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Shit. Plane’s landing. Very soon I’ll be at her house. Need to prepare myself. I took a deep breath. I closed my eyes and was instantly back in time, the last time I saw her, hooked up to all those machines, looking so lost, so scared. Tears streaming down her face mirrored mine. “Goodbye Buffy.”
I turned on my heel, I didn’t look back. I couldn’t. I wanted so badly to take her in my arms…tell her it didn’t matter, tell her everything would be ok, I wanted to believe it myself. But I couldn’t and I knew it. That’s why I left.
The sobbing didn’t start until I got behind the wheel of my Desoto.
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I can’t breathe. I know he’ll be here soon. I can almost feel him coming closer. Maybe it was a bad idea to ask him to come back. I don’t care though. I know he’ll take care of me. I know it. He always did. Always. There was only one time he let me down, only one time my tears went unnoticed. Once. It was the end of us.
I begged him not to leave. I pleaded and cried. He turned his back on me and kept walking. I didn’t stop crying for three days. They let me go home from the hospital and I just lay in bed. If it wasn’t for Willow and Xander forcing me to eat and drink I would have ended up back there in that hospital bed.
It hurt so much. So much I felt like I was dying. I let him go. If I could have gone after him I would have found him in his car and maybe things would have been different. If I wasn’t hooked up to machines…if…
I turned up the radio. It helped to take my mind off of that night. One of my favorite songs was playing. It was a song that made me think of him. I played it over and over after he left. That song made me realize that maybe he would be there again someday.
When your day is long and the night
The night is yours alone
When you're sure you've had enough of this life
Well hang on
Don't let yourself go, 'cause everybody cries
and everybody hurts, sometimes ...
Sometimes everything is wrong,
Now it's time to sing along
When your day is night alone (hold on, hold on)
If you feel like letting go (hold on)
If you think you've had too much of this life
Well hang on
'Cause everybody hurts
Take comfort in your friends
Everybody hurts
Don't throw your hand, oh no
Don't throw your hand
If you feel like you're alone
no, no, no, you're not alone
If you're on your own in this life
The days and nights are long
When you think you've had too much
of this life, to hang on
Well everybody hurts,
sometimes, everybody cries,
And everybody hurts ...
sometimes
But everybody hurts sometimes
So hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on,
hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on
Everybody hurts
You're not alone
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I walked slowly up the steps of the porch. The house looked exactly the same. I couldn’t bring myself to knock. I was putting off the inevitable and I knew it, just couldn’t help it. I sat my suitcase down and lit up a smoke.
I know she’ll give me flack when she smells it on me. That thought made me smile. I know her well. Bloody hell. I hear that familiar song start through her open window. She called me in London about six months after I left. I checked the call display. It was her number. My heart beat wildly in my chest. ‘Oh god. What do I say to her?.’ I was still angry. And hurt. Confused.
I picked up the receiver. “Hello?” I could hear the soft music playing in the background, I could hear her crying. Gut wrenching sobs, gasping for air. Never had I wanted to take her in my arms more. “What’s that all about then?” I asked.
She didn’t say anything. She just continued to cry. “Did something happen?” I asked. Hating myself for caring.
“If I asked would you come back?”
“Are you askin’?” I didn’t want to acknowledge the fact that I would. I missed her so much. I would have given anything to be able to hold her.
She didn’t say anything else. I just listened while she cried. It broke my heart, but I was half a world away, and no matter how much I wanted to, even hating myself for wanting it, wanting her. It was so hard listening to her cry herself to sleep, and it hurt that a tiny part of me was glad that she hurt. Glad this wasn’t easy for her. But the thing that hurt the most? I couldn’t take her in my arms and kiss her tears dry from half a world away.
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I broke down and called him. I couldn’t help myself. I was so hurt, and getting drunk was not a good idea. I punished myself for six months. Six months of not leaving my dorm room except to go to classes, Christmas came and went, and I hadn’t heard from him. I knew then that I’d lost him for good. It was a week after Valentines’ day when Willow forced me to go to the Bronze with her and some of our other friends.
“Come on Buffy. I’m not taking no for an answer. You’ve been moping for a long time. You need to live a little.”
“I’m not ready Will. Please…it’s so hard…” I whimpered, tugging his duster tighter around me.
“You’re going!” She said firmly pulling me up from the bed.
So I did. We got to the table, everyone made me feel welcome, tried to make me feel as if I hadn’t been absent from their lives for half a year.
There was a guy there. Riley. He started talking to me, about class, about himself. He’d just moved to Sunnydale. He was a nice guy and all, but I wasn’t ready. I told him that. He said it was fine. He really was a nice guy, didn’t try to push, didn’t try to ask why I was such a mess, just tried to be my friend, you know?
So anyways. I started drinking. I had probably about five drinks before Willow noticed. She was off dancing with the gang, and when she returned to the table I saw her glance at the glasses littering the table. “Did you drink all these?” She asked. It wasn’t like she was being judgmental, she just wanted to know.
I nodded, feeling the tears well in my eyes. “I screwed up Will. I screwed up really bad.” I couldn’t stop them from falling. I was Drunk. Smashed really and I was miserable.
She took me back to my dorm room and tucked me into bed. “Do you want me to stay?” She asked. I could hear the concern in her voice.
“I just want to be alone.” I whispered.
She nodded. “If you need anything you call me. I’m only down the hall.”
“Thanks Willow. I love you.”
“I love you too Buff. Now rest okay?”
When I heard her lock the door I pulled my phone onto my bed with me. Of course I had memorized his phone number. I hadn’t used it, but that didn’t mean it wasn’t burned into my memory. It was my only link to him.
I pushed play, and repeat on the song that was holding me together. I took a deep breath and dialed. I had no idea what I was going to say to him. Being drunk as I was I just wanted to hear his voice.
“Hello?” When he picked up the phone, and spoke so casually into it, I lost it. I didn’t think I had anymore tears left. I couldn’t talk at all, gasping for breath. I almost missed his soft-spoken words.
“What’s that all about then?” He asked. God all I wanted at that moment was for him to be here with me holding me and telling me everything would be okay. I wanted him to tell me it didn’t matter. That we would work it out. But he didn’t.
I didn’t say anything. There wasn’t anything I could say.
“Did something happen?” He asked. I wanted to tell him I missed him. I wanted to tell him I counted the days, hours, since he held me last. I wanted to tell him I was wrong.
I wanted so desperately to believe he still cared about me. But after what I did, I couldn’t blame him for hating me, for wanting to be as far away from me as possible.
“If I asked…would you come back?” I choked out. I had to ask. I needed to know. I wanted to beg. I wanted to tell him I would do anything to have him in my arms again, but the words just wouldn’t come. After what I did what right did I have to ask anything of him?
“Are you askin’?” I could hear the anger in his voice. I could imagine the expression on his face, lip curled up eyes, darkened with anger and hate. Directed at me.
I didn’t say anything else. Either did he. I just cried. My heart was shattered beyond repair. He was half a world away, and no matter how much I wanted to, I couldn’t bring myself to hurt and anger him further by asking him to come back. I was still so broken, that if he rejected me at that moment…I probably would have died from a broken heart. So I stayed silent and cried myself to sleep while he listened.
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I stubbed out my smoke just as the door opened. I was pulled out of my memories quickly because suddenly I had my arms full of crying teenager.
Dawn.
“Spike. Oh god I missed you so much. It feels like forever since I’ve seen you…”
“Hey bit.” I hugged her back. I missed her too. Almost as much as her big sister. “How you holding up?” I asked, noticing her red-rimmed eyes.
“I’m okay…She’s upstairs. In her room…want me to tell her you’re here? Or are you jut gonna go up?” She pulled back and looked into my eyes.
“I’ll just go up…”
“Spike?”
“Yeah bit?”
“She still loves you…”
“I still love her too…” I have been in love with her since I was fifteen. I never stopped. Even for the short time I convinced myself I hated her. I never stopped loving her. Not for one second.
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“Buffy? You awake?”
“You came…” I couldn’t help the tears that choked me when I heard his voice, in the same room as me, after two years. I needed him so much and he came. I rolled over and he was beside my bed, holding his arms out to me.
I couldn’t have stopped myself if I wanted to, my body launched towards him. It’s a good thing he knows me so well, he braced himself just before impact so we didn’t end up on the floor.
I could feel his fingers stroking my hair softly. “Sorry it took me so long to get here…”
“Sorry it took me so long to ask you to came back…”
“At least you did…”
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TBC…
Everybody hurts_2 by pangsofblue
Everybody hurts_2
I could feel his fingers stroking my hair softly. “Sorry it took me so long to get here…”
“Sorry it took me so long to ask you to came back…”
“At least you did…”
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I remember everything about her, her scent, how she felt in my arms. I could see the tears shining in her eyes and hear them in her voice. All I wanted to do was hold her. Like I used to. Like I did before I let it get all fucked up.
She came rushing towards me and almost knocked me over. I held her tightly; I didn’t want to let her go. I didn’t want our past to intrude on this moment.
I said sorry and so did she. Neither one of us had the courage to say what we were really sorry for. Neither one of us had brought it up since I walked out of that hospital room. I hadn’t talked to anyone about it in the two years I was gone.
She pulled away first. She looked into my eyes. I guess she was satisfied with what she saw there cause she pulled me over to sit on her bed.
“Thank you for coming. I don’t think I would have made it through this myself.”
“Where is he ?” I didn’t mean to snarl. I really didn’t. But I was so bloody jealous. I wanted to kill him. He was there for her when I wasn’t. He got to hold her, talk to her. All I got was tearful phone calls where she didn’t say anything, just cried till she fell asleep.
“We…I broke up with him. It wasn’t…it wasn’t right. He wasn’t you.”
I almost missed that last bit. Almost, But I heard it. It gave me reason to hope this could be a chance for us to start over.
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Not only were we boyfriend and girlfriend. Spike was my best friend. We shared everything. I told him things I swore I would take to my grave. We spent three and a half amazing years together.
We waited to make love for the first time. Both of us wanted to save ourselves for marriage.
Spike gave me a promise ring for my eighteenth birthday. We had a long talk and decided that we wanted to give our virginity to each other, knowing how much we loved one another what ever came next we were confidant that we could make it through.
Prom night. Graduation from high school. No longer children. We rented a hotel room for the night. Both of us packed overnight bags, both of us were terrified.
We had done things sexually. There are ways of pleasing someone that don’t involve penis in vagina penetration. This was different though. Once we made love there would be no going back. You can’t go back to holding hands, kissing and petting after you’ve made love.
Both of us knew that. Both of us were ready. We had waited a long time. A lot longer than most of our friends. Willow and Xander had been having sex for over a year. Some of our friends even had kids.
I could feel his body pressed against mine. His presence was overwhelming to me. I could smell him. That distinctly Spike smell. I missed that so much.
“Nervous?” He asked. He was chewing his bottom lip. He is the sexiest man I have ever laid eyes on.
“Yeah…and excited. A little scared too…”
“So am I Luv…” He opened his arms to me and I melted against him. I could feel the hardness of his cock pressing into me. He lifted my chin and kissed me so tenderly it left me breathless. “It’s just us…nothing to be scared of…if either one of us wants to stop…we stop…”
“I…” Couldn’t even finish the thought. I leaned towards him and wrapped my arms around his waist. I pressed my mouth to his and ground my hips so my stomach rubbed suggestively against his hardness.
“God…Buffy…I love you…”
“I love you too Spike. Make love to me…please…” He unbuttoned my blouse and pushed it down my shoulders. I could feel his eyes on me and it made me shiver deliciously. He ran his finger lightly over my breast, where the lace met flesh. It gave me Goosebumps.
“So beautiful…” He murmured as his lips followed the path his finger just abandoned.
I pulled the t-shirt from the waistband of his jeans. He helped me pull it over his head. It fell unnoticed to the floor. My bra soon followed. He pulled me up against him and ran his fingers softly down my back.
I didn’t want to wait any longer. I pulled at the buttons of his jeans. I heard his low rumbling chuckle. “That’s my girl. Impatient as ever.” He turned his gorgeous smile on me and I melted.
He helped me pull my jeans and panties off. I stood before him completely naked. He almost ripped his pants trying to get them off he quickly removed his underwear and socks. Suddenly he stood before me naked. He has an amazing body. I love him so much. I wanted to make love to him.
I leaned back on the bed and watched him crawl up towards me. I had butterflies in my stomach. He kissed my stomach softly. “You ok?” He asked looking into my eyes.
I could only nod and smile. I was too nervous to speak. He pulled my thighs a little further apart and kneeled between my legs. He looked down at me and ran his fingers slowly over my pussy, sliding two finger in gently he began to move them in and out.
I rocked against him and gasped. “Ready for me?”
“Yes…please Spike…I want you inside me…”
He leaned forward and took his cock into his hand. I could feel it brushing against my wetness. He started to push forward into me. I closed my eyes and gritted my teeth.
“You ok Buffy?” He whispered in my ear.
“It hurts…”
“I know baby…you want me to stop?”
“No…I want to keep going…”
He leaned over and kissed me. His tongue rubbed slowly against mine. I felt his finger tracing my nipple, causing it to stiffen. He cupped by breast in his hand and leaned over to lick it with his tongue.
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I couldn’t take it anymore, feeling her heat surrounding the head of my cock. I had her beautiful willing body beneath me.
I felt her relaxing under me when I took her nipple in my mouth and sucked gently. Our first time. It was amazing. It was everything I could have ever dreamed.
I slowly pushed my hips forward and heard her gasp in pain as I felt something inside of her break. I groaned and pushed in again. Suddenly she was right there with me rocking her hips. I could feel her clenching and unclenching around me.
“Spike…oh god…I love you so much…”
“I love you too Buffy…”
“I think I’m gonna…”
“I’m gonna cum too baby…come with me…”
We moaned into each other’s mouths as we shattered. I rolled to the side of her and pulled her against me. I could feel her trembling. “You ok?”
“Yeah…I just…” The tears started. I just held and rocked her. Her tears subsided.
“Why were you crying?” I asked when she calmed down.
“It was just so…intense…so amazing…why did we wait so long?” She asked as she leaned over and captured my mouth with hers.
We made love three times that night. We fell into an exhausted sleep entwined together.
We awoke the next day, and it was…Our relationship had taken the next level easily. It wasn’t awkward or uncomfortable.
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We had two months of bliss. Two months of complete and utter happiness. Two months until…
I was such an idiot. I was on the pill, but we still should of used condoms. I got pregnant that first night because the pill I was on wasn’t strong enough for me. We never talked about what we would do if I got pregnant. I mean I had university to attend, So did he.
We had plans for our lives, plans that didn’t include having a baby. We were going to continue our relationship the way it was until we were finished school, and then get married. We were going to buy a house and both work for a few years, you know save some money so that I could take time off of work to raise kids. We were going to have four of them. Didn’t matter if they were boys or girls as long as they were healthy.
We talked a lot about our future. My family loved him and his family loved me. Both of our families got along amazingly well. They could see a future for us. That’s why everyone was so devastated when he left.
That’s why I was so devastated.
“You don’t look so well sweetheart…you ok?” I was leaning against him. We were hanging out with our friends at the beach. It was the end of July.
“I think it’s the heat…I’m not feeling so well.” I was feeling nauseous and lightheaded. “I…I think I just want to go home and lay down…”
“Ok…I’ll take you…” He took me home and helped me into bed. He got a cool cloth for my head and made me some tea.
My parents and Dawn left the day before. They went to visit my dad’s brother…my uncle…in Florida. They were going to be there for three weeks, coming back only in time to help me move into my dorm and get Dawn ready for junior high.
Spike stayed with me for a bit. When I got sleepy he went to run a few errands. When I woke up again he was there, sitting beside my bed just watching me.
“How you feeling?”
“Ok I guess…must be that bug that’s going around.”
“Want something to eat?” The thought turned my stomach again.
“Uuhhhh no. I’m not hungry.”
“Want to go downstairs?”
“Why don’t you crawl into bed with me?” He did. He held me all night. We laid there talking, about our future.
We had so much hope. We were convinced that we would be together forever…if I thought for one second that it would have devastated us like that I would have talked to him, but I was scared…terrified…one of my good friends (Cordillia) got pregnant by accident, when she told her boyfriend…he broke up with her. He called her all kinds of nasty names and now…the baby is three months old and hasn’t seen his father Jesse and, never will either. He killed himself the day the baby was born.
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She didn’t tell me. I had no idea…I thought if you were on the pill it was like a guarantee that you wouldn’t get pregnant. If I knew…if I had any idea that it was possible…I would have said different things to her, I wouldn’t have told her that we need to save money and buy a house before we started a family…If I thought there was even a remote possibility that she was pregnant I would have told her…I would have told her how much loved and needed her and that we could work it out. Ultimately it would have been her decision, her body after all, but at least I could have had some say. Our families loved each other…they would have accepted it and helped us through. But I didn’t know. She didn’t tell me. I thought she could talk to me about anything, but I was wrong. I didn’t know.
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A week later I was still feeling crappy. I had thrown up a couple of times. I was alone when that happened…Spike…we both had things other than each other to occupy our time…So no one knew.
I decided I would go and see my doctor so I made an appointment for the next day.
“We need to do a pregnancy test.”
“But I’m not…I can’t be…”
“Have you been sexually active?”
“Yes. But I’m on the pill…”
“Did you use a second form of contraception?”
“No.”
“Were you aware that the pill is not always one hundred percent effective?”
“I…I knew that…but I didn’t think…” I could feel the tears forming.
“Buffy…let’s just take the test…”
I nodded. I went to pee in the test tube and then went into the waiting room as I was instructed. I had to wait for her to call me. It was the longest ten minutes of my life.
She called me back into her office and told me the news.
“You are pregnant.” She looked at me apologetically.
I gasped and tried to hold in the tears. “There are a few options that you have…you can have the baby…”
“That’s not really an option for me right now…I’m starting school in a few weeks…”
“You could give the baby up for adoption…”
“I don’t think I could do that…carry my baby for nine months and then give it to someone else…”
“The last option is to terminate the pregnancy…”
“An abortion?”
“Yes.”
I was sent to the hospital after I made my decision. I had to see an anesthesiologist, and a gynecologist. They explained the procedure to me and showed me the thing they were going to insert into my uterus.
It was supposed to open up the cervix and dilate me so that they could scrape out the cells. My baby. Mine and Spike’s.
“We are ready to do the procedure now…you’ll need someone to pick you up if you want to leave right away.”
“I don’t have someone that can come and get me.”
“We can send you home in a taxi after three hours.” The doctor looked at me sympathetically. “Then you come back tomorrow and the rest is taken care of…”
“Ok. I’m ready.”
They put me out and inserted the fibrous material into me.
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I was waiting for her when she arrived home. She looked into my eyes and the crying started. “What’s wrong Luv? Where were you? I’ve been so worried.” I took her in my arms and pulled her close.
“Spike…” It was all she said. She buried her face in my shoulder and sobbed. Deep bone wracking, heart wrenching sobs. I tried to get her to talk, tried to get her to open up. It hurt me so much to see her like that.
She wouldn’t talk though. Wouldn’t say a bloody word. She had this thing inside her, getting her ready to have our baby torn from her body and she wouldn’t say a word.
I sat on the couch and pulled her into my lap. All I could do was stroke her back soothingly.
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He was there when I got home. He was waiting for me. When I looked into his eyes…it really hit me. I was killing our baby. I couldn’t stop crying. He just held me. He didn’t know what was going on. He had no idea, and yet he offered me comfort, because he loved me.
That made it hurt all the more cause I realized then, in that moment, if I would have told him he would have been there for me. Too late now though, I couldn’t tell him. I couldn’t. I really thought I would go back to the hospital tomorrow and no one would find out. We could go back to the way it was before. I could pretend like this never happened.
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I didn’t want to leave her the next day. She hadn’t said much to me and I was really worried. I’ve never seen her act like this. So desperate…
I found out why. I shouldn’t have left. I should have stayed with her. If I had stayed she would have had no choice but to tell me.
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I made my way to the hospital. They took me to my room right away. They did the procedure quickly and put me into a recovery room.
I awoke there alone and scared. I didn’t know where I was for a few minutes and then it all came rushing back. Spike…The baby…everything.
I let the tears fall silently. They kept me for four hours and then they let me go home.
I walked in to an empty house and went straight to the shower. I stayed in there until the water ran cold. I got out of the shower and stepped onto the mat. I didn’t feel very well. I glanced into the mirror and noticed that I was gray.
I must have passed out, I fell onto bathroom floor. That’s where he found me. I’m pretty sure I was going into shock. I was loosing blood, hemorrhaging.
I could hear him screaming. I guess there was a lot of blood, I couldn’t see it. I was having a hard time opening my eyes, I couldn’t focus…couldn’t concentrate on his voice.
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“Buffy luv…oh god….what do I do? I don’t know what to do…” I ran to her room and grabbed the cordless and her robe. I wrapped it around her while dialing 911.
“911. What is your emergency?”
“My girlfriend…she’s passed out in the bathroom…she’s…bleeding…from her…you know…down there…so much blood…” I knelt beside her and brushed the hair away from her face.
“Is she breathing?”
“Yes…not strong…but it’s there…”
“Is anyone else there with you?”
“No…just us…”
“Where are you?”
“1630 Revello Drive. Please…don’t let her die on me…”
“Sir…Sir…What is your name?”
“Spike…William…I need her…she’s got to be ok…”
“Sir…is she pregnant?”
“What? No. No…I don’t think so…” I remembered how sick she had been. “She…she’s on the pill…”
“There’s a possibility she may be having a miscarriage…I’m sending and ambulance…they should be arriving any minute…”
“I can hear it…I can hear the sirens…”
“Ok. Spike now listen…Go and let them in…let them help her…”
“Yeah…” I ran for the door still on the phone. I ripped open the door as they pulled up to the curb. “Hurry…please…she’s upstairs in the bathroom…”
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I awoke in the hospital. Spike was sitting beside me holding my hand.
“Spike? What happened? I looked into his tear stained face.
“Did you know…you were pregnant…but the baby…” He couldn’t finish the sentence. He sobbed brokenly. “I’m sorry…I’m so sorry…If I had been there…”
I didn’t know what to say. I opened my arms and he leaned in to me. We held each other for a long time, neither of us speaking.
The doctor came into the room a while later and asked if he could speak with me alone. Spike reluctantly left.
“Miss Summers? I’m sorry to tell you that there were some complications due to your recent abortion. We managed to fix it…although we are unsure at this time if you will be able to conceive children in the future…”
“I might not be able to have children?”
“We aren’t sure just yet. It will take some time for you to heal and then we’ll see…I would strongly advise you to abstain from intercourse for a month…”
The rest of what he said was a blur, and as soon as he left Spike was back, holding me in his arms and telling me he loved me.
“Spike…I have to…I…I had an abortion.”
He pulled away from me as if I’d slapped him. “What? What did you just say?”
“This…what happened to me…was a direct result of me having an abortion…”
“How could you? Why Why would you…Buffy you killed our child…why would you do that? Why didn’t you tell me? What else have you hidden from me?”
“Nothing…I swear…”
“Nothing…just kept killing a part of us from me yeah?”
“It’s not like that…I wasn’t ready…we weren’t ready…Spike…we had a plan…do you honestly think that you are ready to be a father?”
“I bloody well think I should have had a choice!”
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I couldn’t help yelling. I was hurt and angry. I felt betrayed. I wanted to hate her. I convinced myself that I did. I convinced myself that I hated her. Wouldn’t you?
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TBC…
Everybody hurts_3 by pangsofblue
Everybody hurts_3
I sat outside the hospital for an hour and a half, crying and hating her, and myself for not knowing. When my tears had run dry I went home. I packed a bag and called my uncle.
“Hey Uncle Ethan. Could I come stay with you a while?”
“What’s wrong?” He asked.
“I can’t talk about it right now. I can’t…I’m just gonna hop on the next flight over. That be alright?”
“What about your parents? And that Girl of yours?” He asked.
“I…please…” I begged, breaking down again. “I…I can’t…”
“It’s ok son, come on. I’ll be waiting. You take a taxi to my flat. I’ll pay. Just be sure to tell them where you’re going okay? Don’t fancy your father coming here all angry at me…”
“I’ll take care of my Da. Thanks.”
I packed a small bag. I wrote a note to my parents.
Mum, Da
I had to go. I had to leave for a while. I can’t be here right now. Please don’t ask me what this is about. Please don’t ask Buffy either. It’s something between us, if in the future if we both want you to know we’ll tell you. I’ll call from Uncle Ethan’s.
Love Spike.
That was it. That’s all I said. I couldn’t say more, and from the tearstains on the paper, my parents found it in their hearts to let me be. I am thankful for that. I don’t think I could have handled telling them. I don’t think I could now, two years later.
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Jenny came to my house to see me one day. It was about two or three weeks after he left. I’m really not sure, all the days just seemed to blend together. But I know it was before I started Collage.
“Hey sweetie. I noticed you’re…you look like you aren’t eating Buffy. Is there anything I can do?” She asked in that gentle way of hers.
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry Jenny.” I sobbed wrapping my arms around her. “I…I can’t talk about it…but I hurt him. I…”
“It’s ok sweetie. Everybody hurts sometimes. Maybe you two were just too young. It doesn’t mean we don’t want to see you though. You’re like a daughter to us…we want to know that you’re okay too.”
“I love him so much…Oh god…why…”
“Shhh…” She sat and held me. I cried on her shoulder for I don’t know how long. She cried too as she held me. Finally as my crying started to slow she pulled back and looked into my eyes. “I’m going to leave his number for you okay? If you want to call him, you call. If not…well that’s up to you too…but please…don’t stay away okay?”
I nodded, not even looking at the number she left. I didn’t have the courage to use it just yet.
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I called home about once a week. My parents cried I cried, but they didn’t ask what happened between Buffy and I, and I didn’t tell them. I didn’t ask about how she was, I couldn’t. They never offered any information about her either.
They’d talk about Dawn, and Joyce, and Hank, but neither of them ever mentioned her.
I didn’t call any of my friends. What was I goona say? They wouldn’t understand. None of them. She killed a part of me. A part of us. How could I just let that go? She didn’t even try to talk to me about it. She just did it.
So with no news of her, except for the tearful phone call, I waited. Started going out to clubs, with much prodding from my uncle.
“You have written some amazing music William. Go and share it. Maybe start a band. You can’t sit inside my house and mope all your life.”
So I did. One night I took my guitar to amateur night and preformed one of my songs.
A couple of guys that were there asked me to join their band. I did, without giving it much thought. We played around the clubs in London. My uncle was so proud he came to every show.
After one of the gigs he came back to talk to me.
“Will, you’ve got to stop putting yourself through this. I know you loved her, and I know you’re hurting, but you’ve got to put it in the past where it belongs. You have to move on before it kills you.
That night I met Dru. Drusilla. My dark princess. What I felt for her didn’t even come close to what I felt for Buffy. We lasted three months Dru and I. Until one night, when we were fucking (Yes fucking! I only ever made love to Buffy.) Anyway, one night I called out Buffy’s name. Dru was livid!
“What the fuck is wrong with you? She did this big tragic thing to you that you won’t talk to me about, and it’s her you love. You still love her!” She slapped me across the face.
“Dru. I’m trying. It’s not that easy.” I clenched my jaw against the pain.
“You just have to push her away. Why won’t you push her away?” She asked tears streaking her thick black mascara down her pale face.
“I still love her. I…I think I always will.” I sighed. ‘I’m waiting for her.’
That was one truth I wasn’t ready for yet. And I sure as hell wasn’t ready for anyone else to know it either.
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It was the following February, one full year after her first phone call. I called my parents to tell them my band was recording a song.
“Hi mum. I just wanted to tell you we’re gonna record that single I wrote…”
“That wonderful dear.” Jenny said happily. “Any other news? Are you dating?”
I snorted. “No. No one compares mum. I can’t. I’ve tried…it just won’t work.”
“She…she feels the same way. She’s trying to date a guy from school…”
“I don’t want to hear about it!” I roared.
When my mum said that to me I lost it. I threw the phone against the wall, watching it shatter. My heart was ripped in two knowing she was sharing her life with someone else, while I was going to record a song about how I felt towards her. I wanted to fly back to sunnydale and viciously rip his head from his body one handed.
I don’t think I’ve ever been so angry in all my life. Not even when she told me she’d had an abortion.
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A year and a half after Spike left I started dating Riley. He actually asked me to go to the bronze on Valentines day. He knew all of my friends had dates and didn’t want me to feel left out. It was kind of sweet. No pressure, he’d said. I won’t even try to kiss you if you don’t want me to. How could I refuse?
So, we started dating. Nothing big, but he was such a nice guy. He didn’t push me. He just took me places. Like the Zoo. He took me on picnics. He didn’t try to do anything overly romantic. He was my friend first and knew that I wasn’t ready for any of that.
So we held hands. Kissed a few times, and went places together. He didn’t try to tell me he loved me, more like he was offering me friendship. I could accept that.
Everything was fine until Jenny brought Spike’s band’s new single to my dorm room four months later.
“Hey Buffy. I wanted to drop this off for you. It’s Spike’s new single.”
“He made a single?” I asked incrediously, not even knowing he was in a band.
“Yeah…he wrote it. I…I thought you should hear it…” She said softly.
I nodded. It was all I could do.
When she left I put the tape into my tape player and pushed play.
His soft melodic voice came out over the speakers and I cried.
There's another world inside of me
That you may never see
There're secrets in this life
That I can't hide
Somewhere in this darkness
There's a light that I can't find
Maybe it's too far away...
Maybe I'm just blind...
Maybe I'm just blind...
So hold me when I'm here
Right me when I'm wrong
Hold me when I'm scared
And love me when I'm gone
Everything I am
And everything in me
Wants to be the one
You wanted me to be
I'll never let you down
Even if I could
I'd give up everything
If only for your good
So hold me when I'm here
Right me when I'm wrong
You can hold me when I'm scared
You won't always be there
So love me when I'm gone
Love me when I'm gone...
When your education x-ray
Can not see under my skin
I won't tell you a damn thing
That I could not tell my friends
Roaming through this darkness
I'm alive but I'm alone
Part of me is fighting this
But part of me is gone
Maybe I'm just blind...
Love me when I'm gone...
Love me when I'm gone
When I'm Gone
When I'm Gone
When I'm Gone
I picked up the phone and dialed the familiar number.
“Hello?” He answered. I choked.
“Spike?”
“Buffy?”
“I heard your song.” I whispered.
“Did you now?” He asked. He sounded angry. Really angry.
“Spike I…”
“You and your new boy like it?” He growled. I was shocked. He was angry that I was dating Riley? What a joke. We weren’t even really dating.
“Yeah well…I’ve got to go Buffy…my girl…one I wrote the song for…she’s here…” I could hear the pain in his voice.
“Oh…I…Sorry I called and interrupted you.” I said softly. I hated the sorrow and regret in my voice. I hated that there were tears in my voice, choking me. I hated that he had a new girl. I hated that he hadn’t asked me to love him while he was gone.
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I sent the song to my mum. Don’t know why. I guess cause she’s my mum and I knew she’d be proud. I didn’t think she’d take it to Buffy.
I was shocked when she called. As soon as I heard her voice it brought back what my mum had said about her moving on. White-hot anger flashed through my veins and I wanted to lash out. I asked her if her and her new boy liked it.
Told her the girl I wrote the song for was here and I had to go. I didn’t mention the girl was her, and that she was here, on the phone. I also didn’t mention the fact that I had to go before I broke down and confessed how much I loved her and begged her to take me back.
I coulddn’t do that to her, not knowing she was finally moving on. It hurt to know she found someone new when I couldn’t, but I didn’t want to ruin something that was making her happy, no mater how much it was destroying me.
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A couple of months later, I called him because I needed him. I knew I couldn’t get through the heartbreak without him. I knew it. I needed him. Spike. I dialed with shaking hands, from the hospital, blood still drying on my shirt.
“Hello?”
“Spike.” I couldn’t have kept the tears out of my voice if I’d wanted to. “I…I need you. Can you come home?”
“I’ll be on the next flight.” He said softly.
“I…my dad…he was…he…there’s so much blood Spike…I…”
“It’s ok baby. Where are you?”
“I’m at the hospital.” I choked back a sob. “But I’m going home. They’re making me…your mom’s gonna drive me.”
“Ok baby. Just go home and stay put…I’ll be ther I promise.”
“And S..Spike?”
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“Yes?” I wanted to call her luv. I wanted to tell her that I loved her and that everything would be okay, but it wasn’t my place. She’d moved on.
“Please…don’t bring her…the girl you wrote the song for…I couldn’t take it right now…not on top of everything else.”
I sighed. “There was never anyone but you Buffy. No one could hold a candle to you. That song…everything….everything I’ve written is for you or about you luv.” I felt tears come to my eyes at the admission. But she needed to know. I never stopped loving her, even when I’d convinced myself I hated her.
“You just hold on now luv. I’m on my way.”
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TBC…
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.