Author's Chapter Notes:
It takes a couple of chapters to build into the Spuffyness, but believe me it's gonna happen big time!
Out of the Ashes

Summary:
What if it wasn't Angel who left S3?

Parings: Oodles of them. But Spuffy is the catch of the day.

Warnings: NC-17,

Continuity: Mostly cannon for Buffy/Angel a tiny change here. Who am I kidding I love twisting the cannon for my muses, so take everything with a grain of salt and expect any big changes to be denied completely or explained in the story...

Disclaimer: Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel the Series don't belong to me, they belong to a whole bunch of talented people like Joss Whedon. So if you don't like what you read, blame me.



Chapter 1
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Flames were burning bright against the night sky like they would never fade yet all Buffy could do was stare at the ashes at her feet. Their plan to stop the Mayor had went off without a hitch, they had saved the world but without Angel in her life she didn't exactly think it was a world worth saving. He was the only thing in her life that she had allowed herself to depend on, even after facing his demon her love never faltered but his had. He couldn't even say goodbye and didn’t deny that he loved her but if he could leave like he promised to do, then it would mean breaking his other promise to her.

Forever.

For normal people forever wasn't possible and for Slayers forever could mean less than ten years. Most were called at fifteen, like she had been and very few lived to see twenty-five because like her, they were meant to die young. But for her, forever was a very real possibility because she was the first Slayer chosen for a different destiny. But with everything that had happened, she had never had the time to tell Angel that, let alone her friends and in the end he couldn't even stick around for the ten measly years they all assumed she had left, even though they never talked about it.


He just rolled out his reasons in that dank sewer and while her mind was so busy trying to come to the terms with the fact he was breaking up with her, she forgot all those reasons no longer applied to her anyway. Her immortality was still new, having only heard the truth and details from Whistler the day she sent Angel to hell. Just like that bit of news, Angel had taken her so completely off guard, that she responded just like any other eighteen year old girl would have in the situation. But when she had said that all she saw in her future was him, it was nothing less than the absolute truth.

Whistler had told her that because she had defied the prophecy she was given the gift of immortality and freed of her duties as the Slayer. The power was a part of her and it would always be but unlike all the Slayers that had come before her or the ones that would come after, she had the power to control her own life. Which is why she took off to LA to deal with her grief, it wasn't her job anymore and she needed time to decide if she wanted to go back to that life or begin a new one.

But once Angel had returned, she made her choice and vowed to fight beside him while he earned his own freedom from the burden he carried. But instead of fighting for their love, their right to a life together he had cut her heart into jagged little pieces with a few words before he ever knew the whole story that was her.

Children, which like him she couldn't have anyway because becoming immortal meant giving up her chance to create new life. Sunlight which was more important to him than it had ever been to her because her slaying duties had he keeping the same hours as the undead. Mortality, which if he had taken the time to really look at her, he could see that although her body had slimmed down and her hair had grew she hadn't aged a single day since her first death at the hands of the Master. And his coup de grace, he wanted her to be with someone who could make love to her knowing full well that if it wasn't with him, the one she loved, it would just be sex, a meaningless act like what had happened between Faith and Xander.

She could see the emptiness and bitterness that had filled her friends after that single act of release and that was the dark and dismal future her beloved Angel was condemning her to; all the while patting himself on the back for his selfless and loving sacrifice. Part of her wanted to wrap her arms around him and tell him that all those things he thought were keeping them apart weren't but the tiny sliver of self-respect she still possessed refused to allow her to give him another chance to hurt her.

He was the one who wanted to walk away shortly after she discovered what he was but she had fought to prove to him that she didn't care. Then he had left her again as Angelus and while her mind told her that she shouldn't blame him for that, her heart saw the love Spike had showered on Drucilla without a soul to guide him. If Spike, also a soulless killer could remain devoted to his mate in his demon state, why couldn't Angel? Angelus may have gone through all the rituals of his warped form of courtship but once she had been destroyed or possibly even sired she had no doubt that she'd be another of his castoffs.

Which had been the one reason she had remained so strong against his mental assault a deliciously tempting lies of forever at his side. With all her heart she believed that if she could bring back Angel, he would never abandon her again yet here she was a year later and he was walking away.

She had offered him her heart, her soul and her blood and it wasn't enough for him. But when the situation had been reversed, she had chosen a life with Angel, one that wouldn't be easy over a relatively trouble free existence where all she had to do was make sure she wasn‘t behead, had her heart ripped out or burned to ash, because those two organs were essential for her new existence and she couldn‘t exactly heal if she didn‘t have a body to work with. Anything that lived could be killed even immortals.

Yet even now with her whole body aching, she didn't regret coming back because it had given her a chance to see Angel again. He had returned out of nowhere once before and maybe, just maybe hope wasn't lost yet, she thought. Unable to help herself, she glanced up at the life she had returned to hoping that with this battle won, Angel would change his mind and be with her in the next.

Through the smoke she could see them looking for her and a few feet away, she saw Angel standing by himself; once again reinforcing the fact that he had chosen to go on alone than accept the life she and her friends had offered him. She had no doubt that even Xander wouldn't have protested Angel joining them as they waited for her to emerge triumphant from the destruction they had wrought but Angel wanted to be able to escape without having to say goodbye.

Saying the words would make it real and if they remained unsaid he could leave with the hope that someday he'd come back to find it all as he had left it. Find her where he had left her.

Well screw that, Buffy thought turning around to head off in the other direction. Their love had consumed her in it's flames until nothing but ash remained and she'd be damned before she struggled to rise from the ashes just in time for him to show back up and burn her all over again. She still loved and wanted him but he'd made his choice and since he lacked the strength to do it, she'd set them both free.

If they couldn't be together now, then the someday he was waiting for had already come and gone. As hard as it was to be the one to walk away, atleast this way they both had a chance to find what they were looking for without looking back on what might have been.

Even if his grand plan to disappear without a word had happened, he'd always be able to find her. So the only way to save them both from a life of emptiness and pain was for her to leave and stay gone. Running now, knowing that they wouldn't wait for her long before searching for her, she hurried to her house with her mind furiously racing with plans.

Flinging open the door she slammed it shut and headed towards the stairs only to be stopped by the sound of a cup clattering down to the floor.

"Did something go wrong?" Joyce asked, her hand resting at the hollow of her throat as she tried to deal with her nerves.

"I thought you were leaving?"

"I couldn't...I felt so guilty for what I said to Angel that I had to stay and somehow make it right." Joyce admitted unable to meet her daughters eyes as she confessed her part in bringing more pain into her already difficult life.

Suddenly realizing why Angel had decided to leave, Buffy felt angrier than she ever thought possible. Even her mother, who must have tried to break them up thinking it would be for her own good, had a change of heart but Angel wasn't as understanding. Joyce could apologize until she was blue in the face and Angel would still leave and that was just another wound on her heart. How could the person she loved so much be so blind, she asked herself, idly wondering if she Angel knew her at all. "I don't have much time mom so I really need you to listen to me. I'm not the one who needs you now. You have always been there for me. Sure we've both made some mistakes but your love has always been my foundation. I've become a stronger person because I had the best of role models and it's time for me to become something other than the Slayer. That's not my destiny anymore, it's Faith's and she is going to need you to be there for her; the way you always were for me. She never had a mother's love to ease away the pains of her life and she will need someone who is always willing to put her first. You're the only person I know whose heart is strong enough to accept her as Faith and not as a Buffy substitute but in time the others will see her the way you and I do. She's made a few mistakes but since she came through in the end and helped us fight the Mayor, it's clear that while her head was in the wrong place for awhile, her heart never wavered from what was right."

"You're running away again aren't you Buffy?" Joyce said even though she was seeing the answer painfully clear in her child‘s eyes. "You're leaving because of what I said to Angel."

"Mom, if all it took was one talk to send him running out of town he's not the kind of man I want in my life. My life is never going to be normal because I'm not normal and I need someone in my life who understands that it might not be easy to love me but still thinks I'm worth fighting for. I love Angel with all that I am and he'll probably always have a piece of my heart but he made his choice and now I have to accept that. So does he and if I stay here neither one of us will ever find any peace because what we have isn't something that ever truly goes away. We'll get back together dozens of times and in the end all well have is a bunch of broken dreams. I'd rather my first love become bittersweet memories than watch what we shared become a bitter and resentful relationship like the one you have with Hank." Buffy walked over to give her mom a quick hug, hoping to soften the blow from her words. "Just like me, you loved him and he let you down. So can you really blame me for wanting to start over again while my heart is still capable of loving someone else, trusting someone else? This is about me wanting to find my own life, one where I find out what I want without my friends or lover telling me what I need."

Joyce hated this, hated the idea of losing Buffy again but she was more afraid of losing her if she remained here. It wasn't until she had mentioned her friends that Joyce finally realized how much pressure they all placed on Buffy. She wanted the perfect daughter, Giles the perfect Slayer, Willow and Xander the perfect friend and hero come to life but when was the last time any of them bothered to ask Buffy what she wanted, Joyce asked herself. She hadn't liked the idea of Buffy being with a vampire so she had gone behind her back and did what she thought was right and she couldn't help wondering how many times her well meaning friends had done the same thing. With the same result of making Buffy miserable.

Joyce had seen Buffy face when she came home from the prom and the blindingly bright pain in her eyes that night, had been the reason she stayed in town despite the danger.

Her daughter wasn’t a child who needed protecting, she had a good head on her shoulders and have saved lives before she was even old enough for a drivers permit. Yet she had thought she knew what she needed and just lacked the strength to do and seeing the proud defiant woman standing in front of her now, it was clear to Joyce, that Buffy was more than capable of deciding what she needed all on her own.

She held onto her precious girl a moment longer and then pulled away to walk over to where her purse sat. Reaching in, she grabbed her wallet and pulled out her bank card. “If this is what you want to do, I won’t try to stop you. You are old enough to make your own choices and a great deal more responsible than many of the adults I know. Every parent wants their child to have the perfect dream life they envisioned for them but I should have asked you what you wanted. It was always my dream to see you graduate from a great college and going off to do great things with your life but you have been doing great things since High School and I couldn’t be more proud. So take this and go chase your own dreams. I’ll move all your college fund to this account and while you are always welcome back here, I understand why you want to leave.”

“Mom, I can’t take your money.” Buffy said taking a step back. “I have to learn how to do things for myself.”

“Buffy Anne Summers you are one of the most capable people I have ever met but that doesn’t mean you can’t let people help you along the way. This money was always for your future so you’ll take it, end of discussion.” Joyce said thrusting the card into her hand. “I may understand why you’re doing this but that doesn’t mean I don’t expect phone calls or emails young lady.”

“Yes mom.” Buffy said eighteen years of living with her mother told her this wasn’t a fight she would win. “But I don’t want the others to know where I am, they should move on with their lives without me.”

“We both know they’re going to come here, so is there anything else you want me to tell them?” Joyce asked gently.

“Goodbye.” Buffy said firmly, before turning around and going up the stairs to back her bags.





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