Author's Chapter Notes:
Some parts are taken/inspired from Seeing Red. I didn’t follow the dialogue exactly. I rewrote some parts. I just wanted to give people the feel of the scene. Again, the idea of the whole bathroom scene in Seeing Red isn’t mine so give dibs to Joss Whedon and the BTVS writers. After Buffy rejects Spike's advances it goes A/U.
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So You Can Be Free - Chapter 1

Spike hesitated for a moment, standing outside the bathroom door wondering what he was going to say? He tried various scenarios in his head for the better part of the afternoon but nothing sounded right. He could feel her moving inside, and all he wanted was to hold her … to be in those arms again, to feel her warmth. He had hurt her and he knew he was a bloody git for doing it. But, he was hurting inside too. Couldn’t she see that? Couldn’t she see how much he was aching inside ever since that day she called him William. Maybe he could make her see. He’ll make her see.

He knocked softly on the door, then let himself in. “Buffy, we need to talk.”

“Spike, what are you doing here? I don’t want to see you. Please just leave.”

“No. We. Need. To. Talk.”

“There’s nothing to talk about.” She said, trying to pour all her attention on the bathroom sink.

“Yes there is! I’m sorry.” Spike replied looking down at the floor. “I didn’t mean …”

“Didn’t mean it?! Why did you do it then?” she said angrily, whipping her head up to look at him with vehemence.

“Because I care about you.”

“People who care don’t go sleeping with my friends.”

“Look, I was looking for a spell”

“A spell? You wanted to put a spell on me?”

“No. No! For me! I wanted a spell for me.” he said placing a hand on his chest. “So I can forget. So I can stop feeling this way. Don’t you think I want it to stop? Don’t you think I’ve tried? But your inside me Summers. Swimming in my head, living in my dreams.” Spike cried out exasperated. “I want you. I need you.”

“I don’t love you.”

“But I do, and I can’t stop. But you’re lying Slayer. I know there’s something between us. I know you felt it.”

Buffy looked at him sternly. “Fine, I may have feelings for you, but I don’t love you. I can never trust you enough for that.”

Spike growled out in anger, moving closer to her. "Trust? You mean to tell me when you came to me night after night you didn't trust me? Sure didn't seem that way when you let me tie you up to the bed. As usual, I’m good enough to fuck, but ..." he said running fingers through his hair. "What we have Buffy ... the way we move against each other ... the passion between us ... the way we fight together ... even the way we fight against each other ... there's something there. We connect on a level that couples could only dream off."

"You're being delusional."

He reached out for her wrists, holding her tightly as he tried to lean in and kiss her. But she moved her head, her eyes shut in fear. “I know you love me Buffy. Please. I’ll make you remember. Please let me in.”

“Spike get off me. No!” she screamed.

Spike pushed her against a wall still holding her wrists firm. “Look at me!” he commanded, wanting to see her green eyes.

Buffy opened her eyes, finding herself staring at pools of blue that were filled with hurt and pain bordering on what looked like madness.

“I love you. I love you.” Spike whimpered.

"Spike, stop this."

Spike growled. "Why do you keep hiding what you feel? I know you feel it Buffy."

"Let go of me!", Buffy said struggling but she felt weak with the huge bruise on her left side. “Spike, stop that! No!” she screamed, trying to push him away.

With a look of desperation, Spike tried once more to see anything in her eyes that showed the love he knew was there. But she looked stern. "You leave me no choice!" he said, blues shifting into yellow as his face formed ridges and his demon came through. But his eyes still looked so sad as he bared his fangs and sunk his teeth into her neck. He pulled blood from her body, savoring the taste of her. Buffy struggled to push him off, and sensing this, Spike pulled one hand away and placed it on her face, pushing her head against the wall roughly, making her loose consciousness.

**

Buffy woke with a slight headache, the cold bathroom tile against her cheek. She groaned as she sat up and tried to focus her sight. What she saw gave her a slight shock. She saw Spike, his chest bare, surrounded by candles, with a book in his hand and a bowl with something red in it. "Spike?" she said hoarsely.

Spike looked up, eyeing her cautiously.

"What are you doing?" Buffy asked.

"I thought it would be fairly obvious. Now hush so we can get this bloody thing over with and we can stop all this bleeding heartache! That's what you want right?" he said with poison in voice. Returning his attention to the book in front of him, he started uttering a few more words and Buffy noticed something shiny glistening against the candlelight.

Spike spoke the words slowly, the hurt and pain obvious in his slightly wavering voice:

"Love in my heart
Love in my dreams
Rejected and scorned
This isn't what love means
Bare fist and fangs
My essence and core
Let this spell stop me from loving her anymore
With a kiss let it be sealed
stronger than iron or stone
Let it be forgotten
Till one of us is dust or bone"


As Spike uttered the last few words, he ran the dagger that Buffy saw against his left arm, letting his blood fall into the bowl and mix with what looked like blood already in there. He then pulled a small vial with silver looking powder. He then stuck the dagger on the left side of his chest, forming a small “x” until blood slowly started trickling down his chest. He sprinkled the silver powder on the newly formed cut, wincing as it seemed like it burned his blood and skin. Then he dumped the rest of the vial into the bowl. The bowl glowed instantaneously then a small puff of smoke came from it. Spike finally lifted his eyes at the silent Slayer, still clutching her robe close to her. He took her in, enjoying the last moments of ever feeling this close to her. He knew she hated him, but after today, he would never again feel the same way about her. And deep down he knew he was going to kill that part of himself that felt truly alive ... the part that felt like he actually belonged in this world.

"Well Slayer? It's up to you now. Send me off right. Just one kiss and then I'll be gone."

Buffy was still trying to make sense on what was going on. If she heard the spell correctly, he was casting a spell on himself to make him forget. But would that mean he will return to the Spike that killed without thought or provocation? That was what she was asking from him anyway, right? To forget about his love for her, to stop telling her that he loved her. She had turned him away so many times, this is what she wanted. She cautiously stood up, then made her way towards Spike. She kneeled down in front of him, and looked at the bowl filled with red liquid.

"I'm sorry!", he blurted out. "I didn't mean to bite down so hard, but I needed your blood for the spell." He reached out to try and tuck a lock of hair behind her ear but she moved away from his hand, and with a hurt look on his face, he looked down at the floor, his jaw clenched and took a deep breath in, trying to prevent any tears from coming.

"I love you and I'm sorry." he said as he leaned over and captured her lips with his own. It was a kiss of desperation and need. It would be the last kiss he would ever taste from her ... the last kiss that showed he even cared.

Buffy felt cold lips on hers and though some part of her wanted to push him away, she still really had feelings for him. This was it. Spike would never look at her the same way ever again. He would never care to listen to her problems or give her his winning smile when she needed it the most. His blue eyes would never peer into hers and the monster she had always accused him off would be back. She felt loss at that, and tears stared to blur her vision, slowly streaming down her cheeks.

Spike pulled away feeling salt touch his lips. He moved one hand up to wipe them away. "Shhh... It will be over now, love. We'll both be free." He pulled himself up to his knees and with his thumb and forefinger, extinguished the candles one by one. With each flame extinguished, he felt as if the dagger was back in his chest, stabbing him. He started feeling cold and uncaring. He gave her one last loving look as he hovered over the last candle. "I love you, Buffy Summers. Now you can be free!” Without tearing his eyes away from her, savoring the last second of seeing how much beauty he saw in her, he moved his fingers closer to the flame and pressed them together, the last flame now dead.

**

Spike sat in a chair in his crypt, sitting in the dark and staring out at the one small window. The glass in his left hand was half empty, blood staining the rim. He felt empty. He felt unsure. He still remembered everything that happened. He knew that just hours ago he felt all this love focused on one person, but now ... now it just wasn't there. The cross wound on his left chest ached, healing really slowly. He closed his eyes, running memories through his head.

Hearing her voice calling to him, and pushing him away. Her admission time and time again that she could never love him. But then he'd remember moans, hitched breaths and skin on skin. The wound on his chest felt like it was opening again when her words came flooding back -- "I want you ... but it's killing me." He hurt her, was hurting her but those were just words till ... It came standing out again, that memory. ... Buffy screaming and pushing him away. He grit his teeth together as his chest stung. The memory hurt. He just needed to calm down. The pain will go away, it always will somehow. He took another drink of blood, focusing his senses on the taste in his mouth. It didn't matter so much now that it was pig's blood. He had to focus. Just a little bit more time and he knew it wouldn't hurt anymore. Nothing would matter anymore. Slowly, the pain in his chest subsided and he was starting to feel like himself again, like the Big Bad he had been for the past century.

The door to his crypt was pushed in, and Spike could smell vanilla in the air. But it wasn't Buffy. He knew more than sensed that she wouldn't come.

"You didn't come by today."

"You shouldn't be out this late, Niblet. Don't really want to be near the end of a stake when the Slayer comes and finds you."

"What happened?"

"Nothing." he said taking a sip from his glass.

"Like I believe that."

"What do you want, bit?", he said standing up, sounding irritated.

"Just want to understand what's going on."

"I'm the last person you should go to for a bonding session. Vampire remember?"

Dawn looked down, not sure what to say. She knew there was something going on, but no one would really talk about it. Buffy told her that Spike came by last night. That they argued. But though Buffy was trying to hide it, Dawn already caught a glimpse of her sister's bruised wrists. She knew it was dangerous, perhaps even stupid. But she was angry... angry at this vampire that was her protector. He claimed that he loved her sister, saw him sink into himself just last summer when she was still dead. And then in two days, it seemed like everything she knew about him was turned upside down. First, he was with Anya. And then last night, he came and hurt Buffy all over again. But when Dawn would press for more detail, Buffy would just shake her head and try to give her a smile.

"No." Dawn said finding some courage. "I want to know what happened."

"Well what did good ole' sis tell you?"

"Not much. I want to know why. ... You say you love her and you hurt her. I just want to understand why."

Spike turned his head to face her. "Don't worry your pretty little head about it, Bit. Big sis doesn't need to worry about any of this ever again. Tell her it worked."


****
A/N: This is intended as a one shot chapter. I have some ideas to follow it up but would like to know if anyone actually wants me to continue this. So let me know what you think. Thanks for reading.





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