chapter one

Tell me whats wrong with me. Tell me what you've learned in medical school, those late nights sitting at the computer, all the books, the scores you've gotten on your tests, they were good. Tests. Test your skills, how good are they? Tell me what's wrong, make a diagnosis for me. Why can't I forget?

Buffy awoke and lay in her bed. It was hours before her alarm would even go off for school. Would she even go in today? No point. She hadn't been there at all this week and it was already friday. Maybe she should though, feed a lie to her friends she already knew they wouldn't beleive, get her homework assignments in which she wouldn't do. It sounded good, and she wouldn't be cooped up in her bedroom with her mother sniffing around her door asking if she'd be alright, or if she needed any soup. No, soup was for people who were sick, physically sick. She was fine. No colds, no stuffy noses. Just a stuffy head, in which nothing could fix. Nothing at all. She didn't trust those pills that the docter could give her. She just beleived it'd be a temporary high in life, with tons of side effects. Nausea, headaches, sexual side affects...what do you know? A side effect within one, who knew?

4:30 a.m

5:30 a.m

6:30 a.m

And finnally seven. Buffy switched the off button before the alarm even beeped. In about twenty minutes, if she didn't show herself, her mother would be up here asking if her alarm went off, or if she was up. Her hair was greasy, and she probably smelled something horrible.

Buffy through the covers off herself and laid there a few seconds more. She could feel the air nipping at her, as it raised goose bumps on her skin. She inevidibly knew, that the floor would be cold too. She should go into town today and buy a rug. A nice one, that would keep her feet warm for just moments longer.

Up you go. You need clothes and a shower. A tooth brush and some makeup, don't forget brekfast. Smile at mother, let her feel your forehead and ask if your sure you don't need to get a docter. Then with the questions. So, so many questions she got tired of hearing. She had answers, as always, but none that she wanted to share.

The questions were what caused these rifts of distance been Joyce and her daughter. It was something a mother just didn't understand, and nothing Buffy wanted to help her do. It wasn't that she didn't love her mother, or appreciate everything Joyce did for her, it was just that she knew where that road lead. She had little patience for her mother's lack of understanding, and lost her temper when she had to give in and help Joyce along the way. She didn't care if her mother didn't understand, and therefore put no energy forth to make things a little easier. It annoyed her that her mother couldn't just know certain things. Therefore, she kept them from Joyce.

Granted, Joyce never understood because Buffy kept her in the dark. But she did it so purposefully. She didn't want her mother understanding things, and knowing what was happening. As far as Buffy could see, her and her mother were on two totally different planets. What Buffy felt seemed to be so far away from her mother's world, that it was hard assosicating these things with her mother, or with the fact that her mother might be able to help.
No, Buffy was strong, and usually never let people in. Too complicated, would the things that they saw inside her be. Too many questions. All answers she didn't want to give.

Willow was a good friend. She understood when to quit, but most of all, she understood Buffy. Xander wasn't half bad either. His stupidity would annoy her sometimes, just as her mother's had. He'd ask her questions that she thought he should know the answer to.

Maybe that was her whole problem. Questions. Or quite possibly the people that asked them. Willow knew exactly what to ask though. She had learned over the years. What to ask, and what NOT to ask. Not many people Buffy let close enough to her, to learn things like that.

So Willow was quite lucky Buffy had let her know. But Willow was smart, very perceptive and insightful. Most of all, and probably best of all, Willow knew what happend. She hadn't told Buffy she knew with words, wasn't worth saying. Just let Buffy cry and helped her get back on track.

It never was verbalized, why Xander was at most times, such an outsider. But it was a quiet understanding between the three of them, that something had happend, and that was that. Xander could be there as a friend, but rarely could he touch Buffy the way Willow had. With hugs, and comforting hands on the shoulder...no Xander got to do none of that.

And it always left him wanting, which Buffy could see. But she didn't care, so she looked the other way. Looking the other way made it easier to not see others pain. If she saw it, then that might mean she'd have to be cautinary around it, be mindful. Buffy didn't want to be mindful. There were so many people out there not that were mindful of her feelings, so why should she be mindful of theirs?

And thats just one of the many things Buffy missed when she turned herself away from people. They were mindful. Not all of them were, but a good portion. Mindfullness was translated into pity though, and Buffy had her mind set that she didn't need that. She didn't feel she needed to be coddled by the world. She could stand on her own two feet. She had Willow, who quietly understood so much about her, and Buffy liked that.

“You came today.” Willow said. “I got your homework. Most of it's easy, stuff you already understand. Just sort of like review. I could help with it if you want.”

“Thanks.” Buffy smiled. “Teachers are asses. I couldn't get help from them if my life depended on it.” She took a cigarette out of her pocket, and light it up. They made there way underneath the bleachers in the football field.

“It's what their there for.” Willow said resignetly. Buffy took a drag and looked over at Willow. They were now seated under the bleachers at the foot ball field.. Janitors never bothered to clean up under there anymore. Which worked out nicely, because then they'd probably throw away the two stolen fold out chairs, PROPERTY OF SUNNYDALE HIGH. But Buffy was doing the school a faovor, really. The chairs were ratty, and they really did need to buy new ones any way. Plus, it wasn't like they didn't have tons more lying around. Not that she would have cared if those were the only two they owned, but still. No one bothered renting ”Staduim Seats” anyway, unless the bleachers were all filled, and you needed to sit comfortably on ground level. Or if you were fifty something and couldn't climb the stairs.

“I know. But I just don't like talking to them.” Buffy answered. Willow nodded.

“Your grades are good enough though aren't they? Your not failing again right?” Willow asked, concerned. Had that come from Joyce, Buffy would have bitten her head off. But no, it was her Willow. Her quiet, understanding Willow.

Buffy slowly shook her head no and took another drag off her cigarette.

”You've been helping me. And by that I mean, *not* giving me the answers.” She said with mock annoyance. But she knew Willow had Buffy's best interests at heart. And that if Willow had just given Buffy the answers, she'd have never learned the material for the tests. She owed Willow alot for all her help, and someday she'd pay her best friend back. Willow smiled.

“So how's Xander?” Buffy asked, exhaling more smoke. She looked over at Willow, who was looking off into the field at nothing in peticular.

“Worried.”

“About?” She inhaled more of her cigarette.

“You, mostly.” Willow answered.

“Well that's annoying.” Buffy exhaled.

“But it's not pity. He doesn't feel sorry for you. He knows better then to, but he does want to help.” She said.

Buffy shook her head and took one last hit off her cigarette, then through it down. When they got up to leave, she'd step on it to make sure it was out. Didn't need to burn down her bleachers, now did she? Then all they'd have to sit under was the California sun, and quite possibly Mr. Snyder's thumb, on wether or not he was going to give her an explusion. Probably would. Bastard.

“Nothin he can do. Besides, I'm pretty sure I've got all the help I need.” She looked at her best friend again. Willow smiled.

“Anytime. But this time's over. I think the bell's gonna ring soon. It being the only day you came in,” She elbowed Buffy slightly, causing her to smile. ”I think we shouldn't be late.” Buffy stood and swung her book bag over her shoulder. She wore faded jeans, black boats and a wife beater. Her hair was down, she hadn't any energy to put it up. She barely had the energy to to pull her hair out of the collar of her black leather jacket. Buffy pulled out another cigarette and stuck it in her mouth. Without looking at Buffy, Willow grabbed the cigarette and pocketed it. Buffy let her shoulders drop and she put her lighter back in her pocket.

“Willow..” She said, irritated.

“Well y-you don't need one r-right now. A-and plus, you just had one!” She pointed accusingly at Buffy. “You don't wanna smell like that when we go to class, what would the teachers think?” Willow asked, in that high pitched voice she always gets when she gets in one of her Willow riots. She cared so much about what the teachers thought, sometimes it was ridicules. Buffy shrugged.

“They would think, 'Hmm, guess she's been smokin,'?” Buffy looked at Willow, who rolled her eyes.

“Buffy..They'd get you in trouble. You don't want Snyder breathin' down your neck do you?” Willow asked, in a way that suggested she was trying to appeal to Buffy's common sense. Snyder + Smells Trouble (or even smoke) = Buffy gets an explusion. Pretty much anything Buffy did would equate to an explusion.

Then Willow remebered Buffy was failing math. Or, she was failing math, until Willow began helping her. Either that, or she had been taking lessons from Faith in bribing the nerds for help. “If you help me, I won't beat you up.” Willow shook her head at the thought.

“Do you have your books, or do we gotta go to your locker?” Willow asked kindly. Buffy shook her book bag and laughed at Willow's dumb question.

“Sounds empty to me.” She said teasingly. Willow smiled and nodded her head.

“Okay.” She breathed. “But we're gonna have to hurry to your locker, and then probably run to our next class.” Willow said. When they got to Buffy's locker, she grabbed her Accounting Workbook, and Text, her calculator, notebook and pencil.

“Great.” She breathed. “I'm never going to catch up in this class. I've missed a week.”

“You've missed a week of school before,” Willow gave her a scolding look, “And I helped you catch up before. The material's easy to learn, but you won't stand a chance if you try today's work. We'll have to start you off from Monday. Did you finish Friday's homework assignment?” Willow sounded just like a teacher. It was sort of cute though. It didn't bother Buffy. She smiled.

“Yes Ms. Rosenburg, I did.” Buffy answered.

“Alright.” Willow shook her head authoritivly. “Off to class we go then. And no beating up nerds for answers.” She pointed at Buffy. “They have a hard enough time keeping thier lunch money as it is.” She raised her eye brow and shook her head.

“I'm not after their lunch money Willow.” Buffy said.

“Yeah I know, but they give it to you anyway.” Willow said.

In the distance, Buffy spotted Parker Abrams and William Giles, a.k.a, Spike heading off to class. Parker wore his usual sissy boy clothes, gray dockers and a sweater, and Spike wore his usual bad boy outfit. Faded jeans, black boots, black tee-shirt and his black leather coat. His platnium blond hair was roused. He didn't slick it back today. And with the black glasses contrasting to the almost-white hair gave him a deeper edge.

Buffy cringed at the sight of them, and uneasyness stormed her eyes. She thought she was going to be sick. Willow noticed them walking too and looked over at Buffy to see how she was fairing. She glared at their passing figures and took Buffy's books from her. Putting her arm across her back and on Buffy's opposite shoulder, Willow turned them around and walked them a different route to class. She if maybe she could spare Buffy thier sight, she wouldn't have to be as tortured.

Buffy felt the waves of nausea wash over her and she laid her head down on Willow's shoulder.

“Oh god Willow...” Tears formed in her eyes.

“Shhh Buffy. It's okey.” Willow said, rubbing Buffy's shoulder. “Do you want to go home? I could cover for you.” She offered. Buffy nodded, but they went to class anyway.

She could do this. She could face this off and still come back whole. She wouldn't let that creep win. Just because he was stronger then her didn't mean he was going to win the second round. Sure, he had taken the first, her first, but that didn't mean anything. Just because he had the advantage over her, just because the mere sight of him made her want to run away and cower, even though she knew her knees would be too weak to run, didn't mean he'd come out the victor here. She would. Somehow, someway, she'd be able to face him again and not feel like death, or at least, watch him walk by with his friends.
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A/N: Somethin new, somethin darker.





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