A snowflake fell on her nose, exactly at the moment when she opened her eyes.
It melted on her skin and formed a tiny plash, while other soft snowflakes were falling on her face.
She lifted her head a little, trying to recognize where she was, but her view was strangely veiled, as if she was looking through oil-smeared glasses.
The snow is red, she thought somewhat surprised and let her head sink again onto the cold cushion of snow, while she looked over the red surface.
It was her blood which had colored the snow, but she didn´t know.
Just as little as she was aware that her body was laying in the masses of snow, while the icy cold crept merciless into her bones.
She didn´t feel anything, except for the tiredness which lay like an invisible cover over her body, inviting her to sleep.
She closed her eyes.
“Buffy, you gotta get up, you can´t sleep now, luv.”
She heard the voice as through a thick wall, the words were as thin and transparent as raw egg white.
She tried to ignore it, but like a stubborn fly which couldn´t be scared away, the voice reached her mind over and over again.
She opened her eyes and blinked, trying to find out where the voice was coming from, but she closed them again when she didn´t succeed.
„ Buffy, open your eyes!”
Her eyelids started to flicker when she suddenly recognized the voice.
She wanted to answer to him that he should let her sleep, but something in the desperate way he spoke to her made her obey his order.
Spike.
She wasn´t sure whether she had really said his name or whether the word was still caught between her lips, and so she concentrated to say it once again.
„Spike.“
„ I´m here, pet… Don´t fall asleep! You´ll freeze to death, you understand me? You gotta stand up and go back to the car, Buffy. “
Se blinked and slowly his face became clearer bit by bit.
Snowflakes were falling on his blonde hair, his face was pale and his eyes … in his wonderful blue eyes she loved more than anything else she could see naked fear.
She wanted to raise her hand to touch his face, but she simply couldn´t move at all.
„Stand up, Buffy, please! “ Spike begged over and over again and she longed desperately for being able to grant his request, but she felt as though she was unable to anything at all, even breathe.
„ So … tired “ she got to say.
„ I know you´re tired, pet. But you mustn´t fall asleep, not here! You must go back to the car.”
She nodded slightly, forcing herself to move her legs.
„ Come on, luv, I´ll help you. The car is just a few steps away.”
Spike didn´t stop encouraging her, and slowly, like a little child that was about to make the very first steps, Buffy stood up, ignoring the piercing pain in her skull, while she tripped through the snow.
Spike was by her side, never stopping talking to her, making sure that she wouldn´t give up.
They reached the car and as if by a miracle, she managed it to get into it.
“There´s a blanket on the backseat, put it around your body, luv.”
It took her a while until she understood what he wanted her to do.
She felt that something really strange was going on.
She closed her eyes, her lips working to unspoken questions, but producing not even a whisper.
Spike saw that her body was shaking and he lifted a hand, as if wanting to touch her face, while a single tear slowly ran down his cheek.
“What happened …? “Buffy murmured and let her head slowly fall backwards.
„We had an accident.”
She widened her eyes at him, sucking in deep breaths, while she slowly began to remember what had happened.
They had lost control over the car because of the slipperiness... the car had overturned... she hadn´t been belted...
She looked through the window into the twilight, looking for another car, for someone who could help them and call 911, but the road was empty.
“Everything´s gonna be alright, pet, don´t worry.”
He smiled at her, trying to keep his voice as encouraging as he wanted it to sound.
„ You alright …?” she whispered, closing her hand weakly on his.
She turned her head to look at him.
His face appeared to be hardly more substantial than a reflection floating on the surface of a pond.
He smiled sadly at her, thinking about a possible answer.
“I´m fine”, he finally said, doing his best to keep from looking sorrowful.
She heard his words slipping from his pale lips almost als silently as a gust of wind.
He closed his eyes, partly to force back his tears, partly to bar Buffy from seeing the truth in them.
„Somebody will come and help you. You must hold on, pet, promise me.”
“Okay...” Buffy answered weakly, closing slowly her eyes..
She leaned against him and forced herself to open her eyes and to kiss her lover´s cold lips.
The pain in her head settled into a dull ache, but the familiar smell of his skin made the pain more tolerable, softer, as if his bare presence would ease it.
„ I love you … “ Spike whispered in a shaky voice.
„ Love you, too“ Buffy murmured and squeezed his hand.
„ I wanted to give you something. It´s in the glove compartment, ´kay? “
“Okay”... she replied, too tired to keep her eyes open.
“I´m so sorry, Buffy. So damn sorry...” His voice was barely louder than a whisper, as if it was bit by bit carried away by the wind.
“You´ve nothing to be sorry about”, she assured him, smiling, while she glided into something which felt like sleep.
Her mouth was curved slightly, as though she was having a pleasant dream.
Then her smile faded... and her hand went limp in his.
******
She opened her eyes as someone called her name.
“Miss... can you hear me?”
Two men she had never seen before were bent over her and it took her a while until she understood that she was in an ambulance.
She nodded slightly, trying to lift her head, but one of the orderlies hindered her.
Oh, thank God..., she thought.
They have found us!
“My boyfriend... where is he?” her voice came out in a rasping whisper, while her gaze shifted from side to side.
“Miss...” The younger orderly touched her shoulder, speaking in a friendly, calm voice, but for some strange reasons, his touch frightend more than comforted her.
She realized that both of them avoided meeting gazes with her.
She grabbed the arm of the one who had spoken to her, studying his face for a long minute.
The dropping sensation in the stomach, the tightening in the chest, the lightheadedness familiar from the sudden speedy plunge of a roller coaster afflicted her, as he opened his mouth.
She heard the words which she didn´t want to hear, she saw the regretful expression on their faces which she didn´t want to see and she closed her eyes, as if trying to escape the words, but they came nevertheless.
“Miss, I´m so sorry...your boyfriend is dead. He died when the car had overturned. His neck...”
Ignoring the pain in her scull, she fiercely shook her head.
“No!” she interrupted him in a foreign, shrill voice.
“You´re lying... he can´t be dead! He helped me to get back to the car... he spoke to me... he held my hand...”
Tears were streaking down her pale cheeks, as she tried to stand up.
“Let me see him... please... I just wanna see him!”
They tried to calm her down and to convince her that she was fantasising, but she refused to listen to them.
“Spike isn´t dead...he saved me!”, she repeated over and over again, although in some hidden little corner of her soul she felt the painful truth.
*******
It was dark in the room of the hospital.
She stood at the open window and looked out into the night, breathing in the cold winter air.
She had no more tears which she could cry, she felt empty and cold as if she was a lifeless cover.
She had to accept that Spike was dead and that she would never see his face again... never kiss his lips again.
Se would never again feel his strong arms... his protecting embrace.
Over and over again she thought of the moments when Spike had made her go back to the car.
She was sure that it hadn´t been an illusion, although the doctors told her that he must have died the moment when the car had overturned.
And nevertheless, he had saved her.
Suddenly she understood why he didn´t carry her...
Why he had told her to put the blanket around her body...
Why his hand had felt so cold...
Why he had whispered that he was sorry...
Everything became absolutely clear.
It all made perfect sense... and at the same time, nothing seemed to make any
sense at all.
*********
It was a few days later when she suddenly remembered his words:
I wanted to give you something. It´s in the glove compartment, ´kay?
She asked Becky, one of the nurses, to do her a favour and search the glove compartment for something he might have put inside.
Becky returned with a small box and Buffy felt her heart hammering against her breast, when she carefully turned it to and fro.
It took her a while until she dared to open it.
There were a beautiful, silvery ring inside.
Whit shaking fingers, she laid the ring carefully on her palm and closed her fingers around it.
It felt strangely warm in her hand, as if someone had touched it only a few seconds ago and she closed her eyes, while she silently began to cry.
When she looked again at the ring, she saw that it was engraved.
With one hand she wiped her tears away while she read the engraving.
Always By Your Side
It hurt so terribly, and at the same time, nothing had ever felt so wonderful.
And she knew that she would carry on.
Because Spike had wanted it.
And because they would be together again.
Someday.
END