Buffy nearly collapsed when she saw the handwriting, the penmanship that was once beautifully practiced, but had fallen into a jagged, manly scrawl after years of personifying the big bad. Clem said he left and didn’t know when he was coming back; did this piece of paper mean that Spike finally came back to her? Why had he written a letter? Why not just ….? It had been so long…such a long summer without him, her life, her support, her love.
She carefully unfolded the letter and took in the worn paper with seemingly tear shaped drops littering the sheet in almost careful precision. However, when she read the words, her heart broke.
Dear Buffy,
If you’re reading this, that means I’ve already left Sunnydale. I just came back to leave you this note and tell you why I’m leaving. I’m leaving because, well, God, luv, we’ve pushed each other too far and broken ourselves beyond all repair. I can’t bloody be around you, it hurts so much. I told you once Summers that I was drowning in you and I think I’ve finally drowned. You consume me and I don’t ever know which way is up. Don’t get me wrong I bloody love you more than anyone else in my entire soddin’ life. More than me Mum, Cecily, Dru…the whole lot of them. But you spoke of this “relationship” as killing you; well it’s bloody gone and killed me. I can’t take it any more.
That’s why I’ve gone off to Africa, pet. I was going to be better for you, be what you deserved, but I realized that I need to be better for me. I know that sounds selfish, especially after what I did to you and if you’re still reading this letter, then you need to know why I did what I did. I am a demon luv, no one can deny that and well, I know its no excuse, but the demon loves you too and it couldn’t be away from you anymore. It’s subconsciously marked you as his and well, you being away from me so long just made me so bloody crazy…I know I can’t make it better, but that’s what happened – the demon getting the better of me. But I want you to know that I was horrified by my actions and was going to stop, but I hurt so much being away from you and I guess what I’m saying is that I’m sorry.
I’m sorry for telling you that you belonged in the dark with me. I was trying to create some sort of middle ground for the both of us to share and all it did was make you feel worse about what Willow did. I shouldn’t have pushed you to have a relationship with me when clearly it was destroying you and never really would have worked out.
I’m also sorry for being an idealistic slob. You’d think after 150 years of living, that would have been pushed out of me, with all the murder and torture, but I guess Dru was right in saying I’d always be William. Well, that idealism is gone now, pet. I truly used to believe that love could conquer all of us, but I guess what that really means was that it could conquer anything that had an actual chance. You and me, we never really had one of those. You never loved me and I never could have expected you to. So for pushing you to feel something for a creature you were supposed to hate, I’m sorry for.
Despite all of this, I don’t want you getting the impression that I’m just going to lie down and role over, because of all the crap I’ve taken from you, but rather, I just realize we’ve made ourselves into star-crossed lovers and all that rot. But that doesn’t mean I’m the monster you said I was, just that I need to find someone who loves and appreciates me for what I am.
One last confession, I watched you today from my favorite lurking spot by the tree. You looked so happy pet, you looked almost like you used to before things went to hell with that Glory-bint and your Mum. I’m happy for you and that just makes me sure leaving is for the best. But I’m not being like Peaches, because you don’t love me, so it’s not really like I’m walking out on you.
I want you to give my love to the ‘bit and tell everyone thanks for what little they did for me. But especially thanks to Glinda, she loved me like no other has in a real long time and I’m grateful to her.
Finally on my own,
Spike
Dawn raised her head from the desk she’d been dosing on as she heard Buffy sobbing. “Buffy, what’s wrong? God Buffy what is it?” Dawn said she came running to her sister’s side. Buffy handed her the note and shrunk into herself.
Dawn read the letter, her color draining a little from the ending lines as Tara would never get to hear Spike’s words. She then turned icy blue eyes to her sister and asked her “Well, what did you expect? You treated him like crap, and as much as I’ll miss him, I’m glad he’ll be away from you. Why were you so happy today anyway? You’ve been moping for months after he left?”
“Because” Buffy shakily replied “I could feel him, when he was standing by the tree, I thought he’d come home and I could feel him there. That was why I was smiling. I was hoping I could finally tell him…never mind.”
“Tell him what Buffy?”
“Tell him I loved him.”
“Waited a little too long didn’t you?!” Dawn ran back upstairs after looking once more at her sister’s note, and then with a smile, finally understood what Spike had written her.
Dear ‘bit,
I finally got that missing piece I was looking for, that spark your sister said I couldn’t have. I’m going to go and find out what love really is.
Love always,
Spike
Well, here it is guys. I know its sad and not one of the happy Spuffy fics we all enjoy, but sometimes I really wish that Spike would stand up for himself and end up in top. **Wink, wink**
