Thanks ever so much to my wonderful beta The Space Between
Disclaimer: All characters belong to Joss and ME even though they are mean to them.
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She looked down at her hands, they were covered in blood; her first slaying since the closing of the Hellmouth. It wasn’t just blood, it was harsh truth. It said that she could never retire from her calling, she could never be with anyone normal, and she could never love again. The Slayer had slain The Immortal. She laughed ironically * Yah…some immortal *. She had dated him why? Oh yah. Giles thought she needed a normal guy! Well the normal guy turned out to be a soulless, homicidal maniac. So much for the demon = bad, human = good concept! She had cried. Everyone thought it was because she had to kill another man she had loved, but no, it was because she had killed her belief that she could love again.
She had loved only twice in her life and would never love again! She had loved Angel and she loved Spike. Two souled vampires, one claimed her heart the other her soul. A casual observer might say that two souled vampires were the same thing but she knew they were galaxies apart * not even the same colour *. She laughed mentally.
Spike had come to kill her but joined hands with her to defeat Angelus instead. He had no soul but he fell in love with her regardless. She didn’t give him a crumb, didn’t give him encouragement but he loved her anyway. He helped. Simple straight forward help * Ok, sometimes he was annoying and impossible but that’s was because he was Spike and in Buffy’s dictionary Spike meant 'The Snarky Prince Charming' . He knew they had no future, she would never return his feelings but he stuck around. He helped against Glory and after she died he helped guard the Hellmouth and took care of Dawn. And when she came back he listened to her and basically took care of her. Heck she used him; emotionally, physically and even sexually and he let her! Then he hurt her and got a soul for her! FOR HER! He came back hurt but didn’t run to her for help, in fact first time she saw him again hadn’t he helped her defeat those spirits from the Talisman? And when he was well again he had fought beside her against The Fist; stayed as long as she needed. Spike was oxygen; necessary but scarcely noticed.
Then there was Angel - the brood king, peaches, the poofter, captain forehead… what else had Spike called him? Angel had been cursed with a soul, he had not wanted it, he had not fought for it, and he didn’t even like it! To a sixteen year old he had seemed like a fantasy, all dark and mysterious. He had come to the Hellmouth to help her and ended up trying to kill her. He hadn’t loved her without a soul, hadn’t even liked her without one! Angel’s help was always half-hearted. He was all big with the cryptic hint thing, whatever happened to simple straight-forward help? She had sent him to hell and felt guilty. Then he had come back and she had nursed him, then what? He decided they had no future together and left her. She had begged him to stay but had he? She loved him, was that not enough? If he loved her shouldn’t he have stayed just for her sake even if they could not be together? Spike had watched her with Wood, he had stayed knowing he would never be able to have Buffy, then couldn’t Angel? Angel hadn’t helped her with Glory, hadn’t even bothered, and hadn’t even called once to check what was happening with her. Oh he had come to help against the Indians, but he knew about that because of Cordy’s vision not because he had bothered to keep in touch. He was busy being The Powers champion, what about being her champion? And when she died had he helped her friends keep the Hellmouth demons in check? Had he taken care of Dawn? But he had come rushing AFTER she had been brought back. Angel’s love for her apparently didn’t spread to her friends and family.
Once upon a time she had been flattered that *she* had made Angel loose his soul, gave him perfect happiness. But why had his perfect happiness been something sexually? She loved him, she told him that but it didn’t qualify as perfect happiness. What did that say about his love? Spike on the other hand had been happy just to know that she trusted him and believed in him. He had spent one night watching her sleep and that had been the best night of his life. What did that say about his love? Angel was like perfume. Unnecessary, always made his presence and help known and basically satisfied a naïve teen.
Buffy had brought out the worst in Angel and the best in Spike. She had caused the former to loose his soul but inspired the latter to seek it. Angel was a girl’s fantasy, day dream material, something she had outgrown. Oh he was her first love, and she would always love him in a way but he was not her love, he wasn’t even hers. She had never even been in love with him; loved him yes but never been in love with him. She was in love with Spike, and she would never outgrow those feelings. Spike was reality, a support, an anchor, a companion. He was a woman’s dream… he was soul mate material.
Buffy sighed and went back to washing her hands. If only she had realized all this before for now it was too late she had lost him to the Hellmouth. To think you have your soul mate in front of you and you let him go, you’d have to be really dense. “You are really stupid Buffy Summers! Now stop crying!” Ok so scolding herself wasn’t helping.
She heard the doorbell and wiped her hands on a towel. She moved slowly knowing full well Dawn would have answered it before she had reached it. When she got to the door she gasped. Dawn had fainted on the carpet and *HE* was standing in there in her living room bloody and battered, gazing at the antique mirror. He cocked his head, “Well I never was one for self-reflection.”
THE END
Author's Chapter Notes:
My first fic so please be kind. Let me know what you think.