It was raining; the water streamed down the windows in mourning. No light today; only the rain. It sobbed; breathing against the windows in grief. It was hissing ragged breaths upon the glass, she could hear it crying.
She closed her eyes, and she could feel it; the rain washing everything away. It was raining inside too; you couldn’t see it but it was there.
She opened her eyes and the tears slowly began to run down her cheeks. They were gone; both gone. She let her fingers slide over the package in her lap; too scared to open it. Too afraid to see what it held; it would make it all real, and she wasn’t ready for that. Not ready for goodbyes.
Giles had come himself to tell her. They had faced the beast; alone and with no fear. She let out a sob. Never afraid; strong and fearless to the end. They had done the impossible; beat back the apocalypse with a driving force. They did what they had ultimately set out to do; saved the world, and given their lives in exchange.
Her hands were shaking as she wiped the tears from her eyes. Champions, both of them, now and forever. They had known it was to be the end; the box lying in her lap was proof of that. She trembled as she lifted the lid. Two letters sat on top of white tissue paper; one for each of them. She choked back another sob.
Her hand was quivering uncontrollably as she reached for the first one. Buffy was scrawled across the smooth surface of the envelope. She breathed in deeply and pulled letter out of the casing. Her eyes glazed over as she traced the words with her fingers.
Buffy,
I never thought this would be the way we would say goodbye, but the situation here leaves me with little time.
I’ve loved you since the beginning and will love you long after it’s over. The last time I left you I didn’t say what I should have, and I will regret it forever.
You were always so much more than I ever deserved, and I count myself lucky to have spent what time I did with you.
Whatever was said and done before is in the past. I never was one for expressing my emotions, but I hope they were obvious to you.
You changed me, and I will be eternally grateful for everything you have given me. It may seem like I turned my back on the path I set out on, but I didn’t. We are going to change the world; even the slightest bit will make all the difference.
We are all pawns of something bigger but hopefully this will give you more opportunity to live the life you deserve.
This is the end, and we will march forward guns blazing. Don’t cry for what could have been, smile for what will be.
I was always yours, and will be forever. Be happy and be strong; don’t grieve. I’ll be with you.
Angel
The tears ran down her face and dripped onto the paper. She touched his signature trying to feel him; a little bit of what use to be. She set the letter on the table and with unstable fingers picked up the second one. The envelope was bare, but she shook knowing what was inside. Explanations and goodbyes; his attempt at redemption in her eyes. If only he’d realized he’d never needed it.
The envelope slipped from her fingers and fell to the floor. She stared at the letter terrified. She’d never been so scared; not through anything she’d ever been through. She didn’t want to let go; not again. She unfolded the letter and was assailed with the smell of cigarettes and whiskey. She smiled through her tears; some things never changed.
What could I ever bloody write luv that would explain it all? I was given a second chance and ran like a bleedin’ ponce at the opportunity to make things right.
This is it then; the last bloody stand, no comin’ back this time. It feels different to be going down fighting without you at my side.
Not much for apologies, you know that, but I need to ‘ave a bit of closure before I shuffle off. I never lied when I told you I loved you, I hope to bloody hell you realize that. We didn’t have much time but it was enuff to change me. I didn’t come to you when I had the chance and I’m sorry for that.
Even before I knew who you were pet, I loved you; would’ve been a stupid git not too. In my head you are cryin’ while you read this; I’m a selfish bastard, but it helps to think you will feel it like I do. I would die a million times over to give you the chance to live.
I just want you to know, at the end, before and now, I believed you.
Tell the bit I love her, ‘n that I’m sorry. I don’t have any great words of wisdom like ‘m sure Peaches wrote, but just know I’m fighting for you; it’s always been about you Buffy.
I love you, and thank you luv for everything.
Your Spike
Buffy let the letter flutter to the floor as she was overcome with tears. They were gone…ashes floating in the wind. She’d let them die without saying….
She keeled over in despair; letting her sobs overtake her. Gone forever. The box fell from her lap and spilled onto the floor. Through her tears she caught a glimpse of light glaring up at her. She slid to the floor and picked up the lighter. His lighter.
She let out a ragged breath as she held the cold metal against her skin and her eyes fell to the black coat surrounded by tissue paper. She lifted it and ran her fingers over the worn leather. It was ragged; torn to shreds but it was his just the same. What was left of him. She hugged the coat close to her and cried. She cried for Angel, her first love. She cried for Spike, her last love, and the one who had saved her.
So stubborn both of them thinking that they had to save the world; taking it upon themselves to be her saviors.
“I love you…”she whispered to the rain.
Even though they were both gone it was him that her heart broke over. He’d had to have the last word; she knew he had died with the cocky grin on his face. She had torn him to pieces-ripped his soul out when he didn’t even have one.
It was him that would bring her the most regret; he’d let her go…without saying goodbye.
“You arrogant bastard…”she sobbed into his duster. He was more real to her now than he’d ever been. Soulless and evil, full of love and pain; he’d always been hers, and she’d let him go.
She closed her eyes and pictured him. Like a montage she saw him; the first time outside The Bronze, in the sunlight at UC Sunnydale, chained to the bathtub. His tortured gaze as he professed his love, and his awestruck face at seeing her alive. The moments in his arms, and the moments she hated him. But his eyes were always the same – full of love and trust; something she’d never shown him till the end.
She clenched her fists, and her nails drew blood from her palms. Damn him! She looked down and saw something else hidden beneath the tissue paper; a photo. A strangled cry burst forth from her lips as she picked it up; Angel and Spike, together. Spike’s arm over Angel’s shoulders; Spike was laughing and Angel was rolling his eyes. She gazed at the photo…the only one of either she’d ever have; the last one.
The rain grew louder; drowning out her sobs she sat alone on the floor. The picture between her fingers, and Spike’s duster in her lap.
So much she needed to say; so much she still wanted to feel. She drew in a ragged breath. “You were the one, you’ll always be the one.”
Their faces continued to smile up at her; everything else fading out but them and the rain.
“Goodbye…”she whispered, and in her heart she knew, it was for the last time.
Author's Chapter Notes:
I cried when I wrote this, so be forewarned it is sad.
