“But for me it's waking up beside you
To watch the sun rise on your face
To know that I can say I love you
At any given time or place
It's the little things that only I know
Those are the things that make you mine, all mine
And it's the flying without wings
'Cause you're my special thing
I'm flying without wings
You're the place my life begins
And you'll be where it ends
I'm flying without wings
And that's the joy it brings
I'm flying without wings”
‘Flying Without Wings’ by ‘Ruben Studdard’
“Last night was... God, I'm such a jerk. I can't do this.”
”Spike...”
”It was the best night of my life. If you poke fun at me, you bloody well better use that, 'cause I couldn't bear it. It may not mean that much to you, but—“
”I just told you it did.”
(sighs) "Yeah...I hear you say it, but... I've lived for soddin' ever, Buffy. I've done everything. Done things with you I can't spell, but... I've never... been close... to anyone. Least of all, you. 'Til last night. All I did was... (smiles) hold you, watch you sleep. And it was the best night of my life. So, yeah... I'm... terrified.”
“You don't have to be.”
”Were you there with me?”
“(looks straight at him) I was.”
“What does this mean?”
“I’m not sure,” said Buffy quietly. “I’m not sure if it has to mean anything. But… I know that I want it to mean something.” She said, looking up into his eyes.
“You do?” asked Spike cautiously.
“Spike, I told you, I’m sick of playing games. I could die tomorrow, and this isn’t just about me being The Slayer, or about The First, because I told you, with this baby,” she said, referring to the mystical scythe in her hand, “we just might be able to win now. I’m talking about life. I could be in a car crash, or… or… a terrorist could bomb Sunnydale, or maybe a vamp or a demon might get lucky while I’m out patrolling,” she made up wildly. “And I don’t wanna let something as stupid as that make me have regrets. Look Spike, we’ve never been good with the whole ‘talking’ business. It isn’t our style...”
“Damn right it isn’t,” he mumbled.
“But that’s the only thing keeping us from…” she stopped, unable to go on.
“Keeping us from what Buffy?” He said gently
“Keeping us apart...” Buffy said so softly he nearly missed it. And he nearly had to do a double take.
“Buffy, luv, jus’ tell me what you wan’, an’ it’s yours,” he said almost desperately. “You know that right? I’m your willin’ slave pet, always have been,” he said giving her a sly smile, but suddenly turning serious again. “You know, this talkin’ thing isn’t too bad, but… you know how I feel, luv. It’s not my turn to confess,” he said gently.
“I know,” she admitted quietly, unable to meet his eyes. “But you should know better than anyone that I’ve never been good with all this talky stuff. Analyzing my emotions isn’t exactly my strong suit.” She smiled grimly. “Gimme a demon to fight any day, but ask me to tell you how I feel, and it’s like another apocalypse is on its way.” She sighed, trying to gather all her thoughts so she could use them to form a coherent sentence. “Spike, when it comes to you, I don’t know what to say. I know that I feel something for you. I care about you a lot, I care what happens to you, what you think, your opinion, everything you do is important to me. But… I just don’t know if it’s enough…”
Spike sucked in an unneeded breath and waited for her to continue.
“I know that I could fall for you,” she said, looking up into his clear blue eyes. “Fall for you harder than I’ve ever fallen for anyone… ever…” She broke away from his gaze, unable to look at him anymore. “I just don’t know when. I don’t know when I’ll be able to let myself lose control like that. And I don’t know if what I feel now is enough, ‘cause when I look into your eyes and I see how much love is there, it tears me apart not knowing if I’ll ever be able to return it the way you deserve.” She said, her voice choking. She took a step away from him, placing the scythe on the table, turning her back to him so he wouldn’t see the tears glistening in her eyes.
“Buffy,” Spike said, his voice so desperate yet full of hope at the same time. “Buffy,” he said, moving closer to her. “Buffy, luv” he said, his hands gently touching her arms trying to spin her around to face him. “Talk to me pet, why? What’s stoppin’ you from losin’ control? If you’re worried ‘bout what the watcher or that bloody whelp might think or do,” he said raising his voice slightly. “Then, they just better bloody look out, I’ll give ‘em a stern talking to. Show ‘em who the big bad is, tell ‘em the slayer can do whatever the bloody hell she wa-"
“I’m scared,” she interrupted quietly, looking down.
“Scared, pet? What could possibly have you scared?”
“Everything,” she replied in a quiet voice. “It feels like every time I get too happy, the Powers That Be have to interfere in some way, bring me back down to reality in a way that just…oh Spike,” she said, the tears beginning to come. “It hurts so much. And I can’t take it anymore! What if we’re together, and then something terrible happens and… and…” The tears started flowing down her face. Spike quickly brought her in close to him, wrapping his arms around her, and wiping away the tears with his thumb. “Spike,” she said looking up through tear-stained eyes. “I don’t think I could lose you.”
“Shh…” Spike said rubbing her back soothingly, “don’ worry darlin, I’m right here, and I’m not goin’ anywhere,” he said, trying to reassure her. It seemed to work, because she stopped sniffling.
“Buffy, luv, I can’ promise you that everythin’s gonna be alright, ‘cause, I don’ know that. I haven’t seen the future,” he said in a quiet voice. “But I can tell you tha’ I have thought about my future, and… well, I can’ imagine it without you by my side. You’re the one, Buffy. You’re the one for me.” He looked into her eyes with such fierce determination. “An’ ‘powers that be’ my bloody arse, I’m not lettin’ ‘em get within an inch of you! Buffy,” he continued, his voice much gentler now. “If you want to be, you can be mine, an’ I’ll do everything in my power, everythin’ I possibly can to make you the happiest girl in the world. An’ I swear, even if it’s the las’ thing I do, I swear to you, I won’ let anyone take away our happiness.”
A moment passed.
“Why?” Buffy asked quietly looking down, tears brimming in her eyes.
“Why what luv?” Spike asked, not understanding her. “Why won’ I let ‘em take our happiness? Easy pet, I love you too god damn much to ever let that happen. Always have, always will.”
Buffy let out another sob.
Spike didn’t understand, his reassuring words were supposed to… well, reassure her, not make her cry harder.
“Buffy, why what?” He asked gently.
“You’ve always… but how when you didn’t… and they did… but they still couldn’t…they still…” Buffy stammered hopelessly. “Maybe it’s-"
“Hey, hey hey,” Spike said, suddenly catching on to where this was leading. He brought her in close, letting her rest her head on his chest. “They left because they weren’t good enough for you, pet. You didn’t do anythin’ wrong, and they’re a bunch o’ wankers for makin’ you feel that way,” he said, coaxing a small smile out of her. “Look pet, I know life hasn’t been too easy on you, you’ve been through a lot more than you should’ve by now, a lot more than anyone should’ve in a whole lifetime.” He paused, looking into her eyes. “But once you’ve lived for over a hundred or so years you begin to realize a few things, an’ one of ‘em is that life doesn’t do somethin’ for nothin’. Just doesn’ work that way, pet. An’ if you’ve experienced somethin’ bad, the only reason for it is for you to grow and learn from it,” he said, getting that look in his eyes, determined to convince her.
“Those wankers didn’t appreciate you, the bloody idiots didn’t even know what they had. But you gotta see, luv,” he said gently. “I’m not anythin’ like them. I dunno how they managed to miss it. All they had to do was jus’ look at you, anyone can see what an amazing, beautiful woman you are. But they were fools, so caught up in their own little dramas to notice you.” He paused to take another unnecessary breath. “But I’m not like that, pet. I don’ have any dramas, an’ all I can see is you.” He paused again to gently wipe a tear that had fallen onto her cheek. “I’m not gonna leave you Buffy,” he said softly. “If you jus’ gimme the chance to prove it to you, I can make you so happy.” He lifted her chin up gently to look at him. “I couldn’t leave you pet, wouldn’ know how to, even if I tried,” he said, a smile slowly forming on his lips. “I love you, Buffy, so much. An’ it doesn’ matter to me if you don’ love me just yet. Just the promise that one day you would be able to is more than enough for me.”
Buffy smiled up at him, amazed at all the insights into her he had. It always intrigued her how he could tell exactly what she was thinking, without the need for her to actually say it. He’d listened to her ramble on, and deciphered every thought that was going on in her head.
Could she do it? Could she let herself be unconditionally with Spike, no holding back? She knew she wanted to, she was definitely attracted to him as she found out almost 2 years ago, inwardly grinning cheekily at that. But could she let herself get so emotionally involved that she depended on him for everything, and couldn’t live without him? She knew she couldn’t be with him if she wasn’t prepared to completely love him. He didn’t deserve that. But she knew that if she did give herself to him fully, and then she lost him, she wouldn’t be able to take it. She’d ultimately be broken. Destroyed. Unable to live. Not again. She knew she couldn’t take the heartache again. But… Spike was so reassuring. His words to her had been so heartfelt, how could he not mean them? ‘But what if it’s beyond his control?’ Her head argued with her. ‘Vampires might be strong, but they aren’t invincible you know. What if something happens to him that could happen to any normal person.’ Since when has anything in mine or Spike’s lives ever been natural or normal? Buffy argued back with herself.
“Buffy,” although Spike seemed oblivious to her inner battle with her thoughts, he did seem to sense exactly what her fears were. “I know you don’ like other people tellin’ you what to do an’ all, but… you can’ live your life based on ‘what ifs’.”
“Spike, I…I’m trying not to…” She faltered. “But… it’s just so hard…” She said, blinking back more tears. “I…I want to love you, I do,” she said, looking up into his crystal clear blue eyes. “I wanna feel the love and the happiness that I can see in you. I wanna bask in its warmth all day long and just be happy Buffy, with not a care in the world,” she said smiling wistfully.
“And you can be, pet” Spike said, encouragingly.
“But I don’t know if my heart can risk taking that first jump again,” she whispered. “Knowing that any second I could stop. Crash in mid air and end up plummeting through the endless void that lies below. There’s only so many times a person can take that...” she finished softly.
“Buffy, luv, I promise you, there will be no plummeting,” he said gently.
Buffy couldn’t help but smile at that.
“But,” he said quietly. “A love that risks nothin’, is worth nothin’. And I can make you all the promises in the world… but they won’ mean a thing if you don’ take the risk to believe in me.” He looked into her beautiful green eyes, and gave her a hopeful smile, silently begging her to take this chance with him.
And it was in that moment when their eyes met that Buffy finally realized what she had to do. “A love that risks nothing, is worth nothing.” His words came back to her, filling her with hope. She knew she had to take this risk. She knew the one thing her heart feared more than being broken, was being alone. So the choice was simple. She brought her lips up to meet his own, in a tender, loving and passionate kiss. A kiss so unlike any of the others that they had shared in the past.
After what felt like an entire lifetime to Spike, he pulled back, allowing Buffy to breathe.
“Spike,” Buffy said in a voice both timid, yet resolved. ”There’s so many things I don’t know. I don’t know what’s going to happen tomorrow, and I don’t know how long I’ve got left on this earth… all I know is that I don’t want to spend it anywhere away from you.” She looked up into his eyes once again, caressing his cheek. “I can’t say that I love you yet Spike, I’m sorry,” she said, tears once again threatening to overflow. “But… I’m willing to take the chance. I… I don’t wanna be alone anymore.”
Spike pulled her into another long, tender kiss, silently telling her with every caress, that she didn’t need to worry about anything now. He was there for her. And always would be.
“You don’ have to worry ‘bout jumpin, sweetheart,” Spike said softly after they had separated. “’Cause at the moment, I feel like I could fly.”
He pulled her into a tight embrace, never wanting to let her go. And as he held her he couldn’t help the large smile that crept across his face. Finally at last he could tell her everything he was feeling. He could show her how much he loved her, waiting and wishing for the day when she would make his dream come true. She’d already done so much for him, just saying that she wanted to be with him was unbelievable, and it was only 3 little words now that could make his life complete. They were such simple little words. But the idea and the meaning behind them meant so much to him.
Buffy’s heart melted when she heard him say he felt like he was flying. She knew how much it meant to him to be able to have her, not just in the physical sense, but fully, emotionally, the whole Buffy package. And she couldn’t keep her heart still at the thought that she finally had someone, a companion, a lover, and a friend who would stick with her until the end. She couldn’t say she loved him right now, she knew she wasn’t ready for that. She’d just let herself be free, unlocked the chains guarding her heart and handed it to Spike, it was such a big deal for her, and she needed time to adjust to all the different emotions running through her.
She hugged Spike to her, just as hard as he was hugging her. She heard him whisper sweet nothings into her ear, and couldn’t keep the smile off her face.
“I’m still scared Spike,” she said, pulling back a little to look into his eyes. “But, I know that I’ll be able to face anything if you’re with me.”
“Mmmmm… Pet,” he whispered into her ear. “I love you and I’ll always be with you. I’m here to give you anythin’ you need.” He paused for a moment… “An’ when I say anything…” He whispered with a sly, knowing grin, raising his eyebrows and pressing against her.
“Mmmm… Spike,” she said in a low voice thrusting her hips towards his. “As much as I’d like to continue this train of thought…” She looked sideways indicating the mass of girls not far away.
“We have work to do…” He said quickly, suddenly pulling away.
“Spike… it’s not that I don’t want to…I… I do…” She said, with a smile. “It’s just that there are a whole bunch of potentials in the living room, plus my baby sister, my friends-“
She stopped when she saw the hurt look in his eyes, instantly realizing what she said.
“Spike, I’m not trying to keep us a secret,” she said firmly, stepping closer to him, grabbing his hand. "You have to trust me when I say I don’t wanna be like that anymore, I couldn’t keep hurting you like that again. I just don’t think it would be a good idea to scar everyone for life with the naughty images they might see.” She looked into his eyes, relieved that he wasn’t mad, or worse, hurt.
“I know you’ve changed Buffy, it’s jus’… you’re not the only one who’s been scarred by previous wankers,” he admitted softly.
“Drusilla...?”
“Well, not jus’ her, but I’ll admit that bloody stung like hell when she ran away with tha’ ugly demon.”
“Spike… I’m sorry, I…I didn’t know you’d had bad experiences…what happened?”
Spike sighed. He didn’t know if he wanted to share this information about his past with her. But, this was what he’d always wanted. Someone to share his life with, so he plunged forward bravely, telling her about Cecily and the night he was turned.
Buffy’s heart went out to him as she heard the pain and sorrow in his voice. She realized Spike needed her reassurances, just as much as she needed his.
“…and I’m scared too Buffy. I know I sound like a right ponce for sayin’ this, but… I’m scared too. This is what I’ve always wanted,” he said taking both her hands into his. “An’ I’m terrified that I’m gonna wake up and this has all been some wonderful dream. I know you’ve changed Buffy, it’s jus’ when you mentioned the potentials in there, I jus’ couldn’t keep my fears from rising. Though’ maybe we’d slipped back into the old days with the secret meetings an’ all, but…I know you’ve changed, an’ I know you wouldn’ hurt me on purpose anymore, an’ I just gotta get used to tha’,” he said, giving her a small smile.
“No secrets, Spike,” she said, in a tender voice. “I promise you, I won’t be keeping this a secret.” She sealed her promise with a feather light kiss on his lips.
“Alrigh’,” he said pulling away slowly. “Let’s go be heroes so we can come back ‘ere an’ play.” he smiled suggestively, with that toothy grin, his tongue curling behind his teeth, letting his gaze roam her body for a few moments, before once again meeting her eyes.
“Mmmm… Sounds like a plan,” she said with a smile, picking up her weapon feeling stronger and much happier than she ever remembered feeling.
“Righ’. You got your grail, let’s go finish this holy mission,” he said determinedly as they strode out the back door.
TBC…
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Author's Chapter Notes:
Although I love Buffy the vampire Slayer very much (and Spike even more than that) unfortunately I do not own it, nor am I related or associated with the creators in any way (except for in my dreams when I imagine I'm Joss' best friend and I convince him to change the endings of certain spuffy related scenes). Therefore this is purely meant for fun, and no copyright infringements are intended! :)
A/N I'm sure everyone will recognise some lines which I have borrowed graciously from the episode "End of Days". :) Please enjoy, and then please please please review :)
A/N I'm sure everyone will recognise some lines which I have borrowed graciously from the episode "End of Days". :) Please enjoy, and then please please please review :)