*That’s it; I’m leaving the bitch…just as soon as I can move again.* Spike’s thoughts were bitter as he lay facedown on the cold cement. He had just watched Buffy stomp righteously away from the police station, the same place he’d tried to prevent her from going into. *Guess she decided not to turn herself in after all.* The very worst thing, from his point of view at least, is that she didn’t even look in his direction when she left. She’d beaten him half to his second death, and left him there for the sun. His heart broke a little as she walked away. *She didn’t care.*
Spike knew that their “relationship,” *what a joke*, had gone on too long. He was tired of being a punching bag and a walking vibrator, and really, if he’d had any pride at all, he would have stuck with his “if I can’t have all of you…” speech. *Yeah, well…being love’s bitch and having pride *are* mutually exclusive.* He groaned as he drug himself to his feet, swaying a bit as he stood. *I’m done.* With that thought ringing in his head (although that could have been the result of too many punches to the face, he couldn’t tell) he made his slow and painful way from the alley to his crypt.
Two Weeks Later —
Buffy wandered the cemetery aimlessly. Her birthday had come and gone with the usual array of badness, although no appearance from Spike, and why did that bother her again? And now Riley, *Captain Cardboard*, her studiously ignored inner-voice chanted, was back in town with a brand new wife, flaunting his perfect lifeness in her face. God she’d thought she felt bad before, but him showing up while she was wearing the fluorescent polyester shirt from Hell was the absolute worst. Then not even mentioning his new whore, *oops…I mean wife*, was another smack in the face. God, her life just SUCKED! She was drawn out of her thoughts by the comments from the aforementioned wife.
“I gotta tell you, Buffy, I'm a little bit intimidated. I mean, patrolling with the real live Slayer, you're like ... Santa Claus, or Buddha, or something.” Sam stated, her voice grating on Buffy’s last nerve.
“Fat and jolly?” Buffy queried, trying to be subtle with her eye rolling.
“Legendary. And it's not just slayer status I'm talking about. It's you.” Sam was just so EARNEST in her praise, in everything really, that it made Buffy’s teeth ache. She was struck by the sudden realization the she would never be and maybe never had been that wholesome.
She tuned out the rest of the conversation with Sam, thinking about what Spike had told her about never being normal. *Maybe he was right.* Struck by a sudden urge to see the strangely absent vampire, Buffy turned to Sam.
“Sam. You know what? Um, I think we should split up.”
“Oh, I'm slowing you down. I knew I would, this was just selfish of me.” At Sam’s apparent upset, more internal eye rolling commenced and Buffy hastened to assure her. *Wouldn’t do to have her running back to the hubby with tales of Bitchy the Vampire Slayer…even if that is kinda true lately.* Buffy frowned as a tiny niggle of guilt crawled up her spine, and she again wondered why Spike, who had been such a constant and ofttimes annoying presence, had suddenly disappeared. She shrugged off her unease and focused on consoling the *earnestly* upset Sam.
“No, it's not, uh ... there's this guy, uh, an informant, but he's twitchy. I show up with company, and, and we get nothing.” *That’s right, little girl. This is my turf and my informants, although Spike probably wouldn’t mind if I brought someone else along.* Buffy shook her head at the myriad of unsavory images that flashed thru her head, and waited until Sam took off before heading to Spike’s crypt.
She entered his crypt like always, just pushing in the door and stepping through. It was completely dark inside, and she frowned. “Spike?” Buffy called. When no answer came, she stretched out her senses trying to feel for her vamp. *My vamp???* Buffy didn’t know what bothered her more, her sudden possessiveness of Spike, or the apparent lack of said vamp in the crypt and surrounding areas. He wasn’t there. As her eyes adjusted to the dark, she noticed a lot of things weren’t there. All of his candles and books were missing, as was the TV. She was unsurprised, however, to see the fridge still in residence. *Makes sense he couldn’t skip town with something that big.* And then it hit her.
“Spike?” She called again, this time in a whisper, because she didn’t really expect a response. *He left me.* She couldn’t believe it. She didn’t even know when he’d gone or even when she last talked-- *uh oh*. She remembered now. The alley, where she’d beat him within an inch of his unlife, and left him for the sun. *Oh God! The sun! What if he was dust?* She dismissed that thought automatically. The crypt looked like it had been cleaned out, not ransacked. *And, I’d know it if he was gone. I just would.*
The level of connection she felt for the vampire surprised her, but then within seconds it didn’t. She knew she’d relied on him and trusted him in a way that she hadn’t trusted any of her other friends. She knew that the connection that he’d insisted was there was actually there. She did feel for him. Strongly. She didn’t know if she’d call it love, but it was damn close and getting closer by each minute she spent with him. The onrush of feelings for Spike overwhelmed her and she sank to her knees in the gloom.
*I’m falling in love with him*. That though was followed by a wave of warm fuzzies. It was like being wrapped in a down comforter fresh and toasty from the dryer. The only thing that felt better than admitting how she felt was the feeling of Spike’s embrace. Well, and heaven, but suddenly she wasn’t in any great hurry to return there. After all, it didn’t have Spike. “I’m falling in love with Spike.” Huh, it didn’t sound so scary when she said it out loud. “You stupid vampire, why’d you have to miss my big epiphany?” Her voice echoed in the empty room and her sudden euphoria was doused. *He left me.*
She would have liked to be bewildered, but she knew the reason. She EXCELLED at the reason. She’d driven him away. *You bloody stupid bint.* Thinking in the Spikeism, brought tears to her eyes and she sniffed, trying to push them back. She’d driven him away! After everything thing he had done for her, protecting her mother and sister, withstanding the torture of a Hell God, helping in the final fight with Glory, and all his caring and affection when she’d been brought back. She’d treated him like such a bitch.
*No, bitch wasn’t a bad enough word. Did they even have a bad enough word in the English language? Huh, maybe I’ll ask Giles for some Fyarl insults. That sounds like a good language for curses.* She shook off the inane thoughts. It still boiled down to one thing. Buffy loves Spike and she drove him away. That last beating had been the proverbial straw, and poor Spike’s camel’s back would never be the same.
*And why was I beating him down again? Oh…yeah…because he was trying to stop me from making a mistake. And I found out it was a mistake. And then I just walked away, in my own little self-absorbed world, and left him out there. Probably a good thing it was Spike who tried to stop me, well…not good, but at least he could take it, as opposed to…say…Xander. Oh who am I kidding, it wasn’t good, it was bad, the very ultimate of bad badness, and I made him hate me!* With that, Buffy started crying in earnest.
After who knows how long, Buffy finally sniffled to a stop. She felt much better for having purged all of that sadness out of her system, and a new determination took hold. She WOULD find him. Buffy decided that she’d had enough with being left, and it was about time that she did something about it, rather that just LETTING herself be left behind. Xander’s speech really made a lot of sense, she just applied it to Spike this time. She was a woman now, and capable of owning up to her mistakes, and she realized that she at least had to find him and TRY to put things right.
*I’ll tell him I love him, and beg his forgiveness, and bring him home. And then if he doesn’t want to come, I’ll give him a good pop to the nose.* Well, she wouldn’t really, she was mature enough to know that if he didn’t want to come back, then she couldn’t make him, but she had to try at any rate. And to find him, she’d need help. Deciding honesty was going to be her new best policy, she headed home to face the Scoobies and ask them for the help she needed to bring Spike home.
When she got there, Riley and Sam were in the midst of hearty congratulations for finding the Doctor and taking out the Suvolte eggs. Apparently only her world had stopped. Looking nervously at her assembled friends, Buffy took a deep breath and blew a piercing whistle. The hubbub died and they turned shocked eyes to her.
“Um…hi guys.” She started nervously, because after all, they were her friends and their opinions DID matter to her. She drew herself up, and began to speak in a clear strong voice, because after all, if they were her friends, then they would support her decisions. “I first want to say congrats to Riley and Sam for taking out the threat. Good going. That said. I need your help. All of you.” Buffy looked around at her assembled friends. The looks on their faces were supportive and interested and she suddenly felt the need to take a deep, bracing breath.
“Okay.” Yet another deep, bracing, and STALLING breath. “I’m in love with Spike.” And just like that, the supportive faces vanished, and chaos reigned.
“WHAT?!?” Xander jumped to his feet, toppling Anya to the floor from her place in his lap. “How can you say that, Buffy?”
At the same time, Willow started wringing her hands, “Buffy, you know what happened last time.”
Riley was going for the silent yet disgusted look, and Sam just looked confused.
Buffy stood there silently, letting them work themselves up and hopefully out. She glanced hesitantly over at Dawn, who had a disturbingly calculating look on her face. She opened her mouth to speak.
“So THAT'S what you’ve been doing on all those ‘all night patrols’?” Dawn asked. And, yes, Buffy verified, there was a twinkle in her eye.
At that statement, silence reigned supreme again while all the Scoobies digested this fact. Buffy took advantage of the lull in conversation to make her case.
“Yes, I love him.” She looked at Xander. “Xander, I love you, you are my best friend, but you need to stop trying to tell me who I can and cannot date. I love Spike; he’s been there for me through everything, just like you. I count you as a true friend, so why shouldn’t he get the same respect?” He opened his mouth to retort, but she continued before he could speak. “I could talk to him about Heaven when I couldn’t tell any of you. He understands me and I understand him. He’s my equal.”
“Buffy,” Willow spoke up, “What about the chip? If that ever stops working…”
“I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it.” She replied. “Think about it this way, the chip just stopped him from snacking on us two-legged Happy Meals™, it doesn’t make him help up. It didn’t make him not give up Dawnie to Glory. He’s changed. When the chips are down, we’ll see how much.” She grinned at her own pun and was relieved to see the hint of a grin on both Willow and Tara’s faces. *Maybe that’s two votes in the supportive category. Knew I could count on my witches.*
“That’s what I’ve been saying.” Came Dawn’s mumbled agreement. *That’s three.*
“Oh come off it, Buff.” Xander sneered. “He was just doing that to get into your pants.” Buffy flinched at the venom in his voice. “He’s EVIL! A demon. A disgusting dead THING! He’ll never change!”
Buffy had paled and faltered back at hearing her own words used. *So that’s what it sounded like.* She felt like crying some more, but stiffened her resolve, and her upper lip, *thanks Giles*, and faced Xander head on. If he wanted to be ugly, then she’d do the same.
“Well, then explain to me why he kept on being good *after* he’d gotten into my pants?” She smirked at Xander’s flabbergasted expression. “Or, explain to me, why he kept being good this summer, while I was *dead*, and he had no hope of getting into my pants?”
“I don’t GET you Buffy!” Xander shouted, not standing and jabbing his finger in her face. Anya had gotten to her feet and was staring at him with a progressively angry look on her face. “He’s a DEMON! It’s disgusting that you would lower yourself to that level!”
Buffy’s eyebrows rose in shock, but before she could point out his obvious hypocrisy, the sharp sound of Anya slapping his face rang through the room.
“How DARE you, Xander Harris!” She screamed at such a pitch that even Dawn was impressed. “You ‘lower yourself’ at least three times a day. Are you disgusting for being with me?!? Is that how you really feel?” Her voice broke on the last word. While Buffy was enjoying watching Xander get his, she really felt bad for Anya, whose heart appeared to be breaking while they watched.
Xander sputtered before coming up with a response. “Of course not, honey, I love you. You can’t be comparing yourself to Spike. I mean you’re human now.”
“So that makes everything I did for the last 1000 years disappear?” Anya retorted. “I don’t feel bad about any of the vengeance that I performed, I’ve only recently started being good, yet you accept me. So what’s it gonna be? You have two options here.” She crossed her arms and stared at him steadily. “You can accept Buffy loving Spike.” Xander opened him mouth to interrupt, but she continued, “Or you can be single.”
“Ahn…honey.”
“No, Xander.” She continued implacably. “Those are the choices here. I can’t be with a hypocritical demon bigot who secretly feels that I’m beneath him OR you’ll dump me because you’re finally admitting how you really feel.”
The whole room was silent as they watched Xander’s fish-like gaping. Finally, after reddening, then paling a couple of times, obviously struggling with her logic, he answered her. “Ahn, I love you and I want to be with you. And if this is what it takes to prove that I’m not ‘a hypocritical demon bigot’ then, I’ll deal with the Buffy-Spike thing.” He shot a chagrinned glance towards Buffy. “But don’t expect me to do cartwheels about it.”
Buffy sighed in relief. Her friends were accepting, if not happy. She could deal. “Thank you. That’s all I ask.”
Dawn squealed. “So now he’s gonna be your boyfriend right? This is soooo great! Where is he, I know he’d just gonna freak. Have you told him yet?”
The cheerful burst of teenage exuberance popped Buffy’s happy bubble. “See, that’s what I need help with. See, we…got into a fight a couple of weeks ago, and he left. I don’t know where he is, and I have to tell him that I’m sorry.”
“W-w-what did you fight about Buffy?” Tara asked softly. She was remembering Buffy’s tear-filled confession. There had seemed to be a lot of guilt that she was repressing. Buffy’s downcast gaze confirmed the theory.
“He tried to stop me from turning myself in for Katrina’s murder, and I…” She trailed off uncertainly.
“You what, Buffy?” Dawn questioned sharply. She really liked Spike, and thought it was great that Buffy was finally pulling her head out of her ass, but her big sister could be an uber-bitch sometimes. What if she’d really hurt him?
“I…hurt him. Badly. And I left him in the alley to greet the sun.” Buffy admitted quietly. Soft gasps were her response, but no one made any judgmental remarks. “He’s been so good to me, and I took it out on him. I took it ALL out on him. He didn’t deserve it. And the whole time I was screaming at him, and calling him horrible names…dead thing…monster…when really, I was the monster.” Tears were streaming down her face at this confession, but she ignored them. “And he told me, right before I left him…’you always hurt the ones you love’…and he was right. I DO love him! And I have to find him and tell him and tell him how sorry I am.” At that she completely broke down, folding into herself as she sobbed. Dawn walked over and enfolded her sister in a tight embrace, holding her and stroking her hair as she murmured soothingly.
With tears in her eyes, Willow looked to where Xander sat, Anya once again on his lap. She was surprised to see he had tears in his eyes as well. “We have to help her Xan. If Spike was really helping her get over losing Heaven…” She trailed off uncertainly, looking at Tara for support.
Riley, who had been watching the scene quietly up until that point, started sputtering incoherently. “How can you…He’s a VAMPIRE…Why would she… ” Dawn shot him an angry glare over the top of her sister’s head, and he trailed off. “Willow, what the hell have I missed?” He demanded.
While Buffy calmed down, and Tara went into the kitchen to get drinks for everybody, Willow explained to Riley about Buffy dying, being resurrected, and her following depression. When she’d concluded, both he and Sam were speechless.
“So this Spike is a vampire who was chipped by the Initiative. He’s in love with Buffy and has apparently been her confidante during this whole “pulled from Heaven” ordeal.” Sam reiterated, trying to make sure she understood. Willow nodded in confirmation. Sam looked at her husband, her sympathies clearly visible. “Ri…”
Riley heaved a deep put-upon sigh. “I don’t know what happened between you and Spike.” He started, addressing a now calm, but silent, Buffy. “And, I still think it’s a mistake, but…” He didn’t know if he could get this out. Sam gave him a meaningful nudge, and he continued. “I can help you find him.”
Buffy’s eyes rose to meet his, brilliant sparkling emeralds, and he suddenly realized that he’d never before been responsible for putting that look on her face. She looked HAPPY.
“You can?” She asked breathlessly. “How?”
“His chip. It’s traceable.” He looked over at Willow. “You have your computer handy?” Willow eeped and ran to her room to grab her laptop.
Post Midnight/Pre-Dawn
A little while later, after saying a grateful goodbye to her ex and his really-very-nice wife, a nervous, but optimistic Slayer was knocking hesitantly on the door of room 18 at the Sunnydale Arms. When Spike opened the door, she was unsurprised to see that he’d been drinking and ashamed to see that the bruises from her beating were still visible. “Hello Cutie.” She greeted him softly. Spike’s eyebrow arched, and he turned away without speaking, leaving the door open. She took that as an invitation.
“I see you didn’t get very far with the whole leaving thing.” She quipped nervously as she closed the door behind her. He wasn’t saying anything to her and she just wasn’t used to a quiet Spike. She really missed the snarky obnoxious version.
“Yeah, well,” A dry chuckle followed. “It’s a bloody bit harder than you might think, leavin’ ol’ Sunnyhell.” He responded. He still hadn’t turned to look at her. In all honesty, he had no idea how he felt about her showing up. He’d tried for the past two weeks to get out of this Hellhole, but every night he ended up sitting in his idling DeSoto, staring at the “Thanks for Visiting Sunnydale” sign. Her appearing out of thin air like this was going to make it that much harder to do what he had to do.
*Okay…He really wasn’t giving her much to work with here.* “I came to talk to you.” Buffy just wanted him to respond. She wanted to get the unpleasant stuff out of the way, so they could move on to the good things. She was jonesin’ for some Spike smoochies, and while she knew she’d have to work for them, she couldn’t help but be a little impatient.
“So talk.”
*Ouch. So just get to it already.* “I owe you an apology.”
“Just one? Who’s counting?” He snarked back, finally turning to face her. Well, she’d missed snarky Spike, and it looked like he was back, but his eyes. Those beautiful blue eyes that she could get lost in appeared deader than she’d ever seen them.
“Okay, that’s fair.” She stammered, her eyes glancing from her shoes to his face and back again. *Where’s my Spike? Please don’t let him be gone for good, please.* “I owe you a lot of apologies. But the one I made a special trip for is because of the alley. You were just trying to help, and I didn’t handle it well. I was too caught up in my own grief, and too intent on punishing myself. I took it out on you and then I left you there, and I’m sorry.” She choked out a humorless laugh. “That sounds so trite. There are no words for how badly I feel that I did that to you. I beat you and then I left you for dead in the alley. I said horrible things to you. I’m the monster, Spike. Me.”
Spike couldn’t believe what he was hearing. To have the Slayer come and apologize to him was something he’d never imagined. Part of him wanted to gloat, to hold it over her head. The Slayer crawling to the Big Bad. The demon on his shoulder practically demanding some kind of vicious rebuttal, something to twist the knife and cause her as much pain as she’d caused him. The man he was becoming however, just listened, and fought between the conflicting desires of keeping his heart in one piece and enfolding her in his embrace and never letting go.
“I just…” Buffy trailed of uncertainly. Not getting any kind of response from Spike was wigging her out. She glanced up at him, and then got caught in the very visible struggle written on his face. “I’m sorry Spike.” She restated solemnly.
Spike’s eyes glistened with tears. She was coming to him and treating him like a man. He fought to control the hope that was springing up in his heart, knowing that it didn’t mean what he wanted it to mean. “Apology accepted Slayer. Thank you.”
Buffy breathed a sigh of relief and reached her arms out to hug him. She was shocked and hurt when he quickly stepped back to evade the gesture.
“No, Bu-Slayer.” He held up his hand to stop the protest he could see rising. “I appreciate the apology, I really do. You’re treating me like a man…and it’s time I behaved like one. This thing with you…it’s killing you. I can see it. I thought I was helping…well, sometimes. I’m no saint and I wanted you with me.” Buffy’s heart caught in her throat at the use of the past tense. She opened her mouth to speak, but Spike was already continuing. “But not so much that I want to see you suffer for it. That…in the alley…that wasn’t you. That wasn’t the Buffy I know you are. You’re not a monster, love. And, I’m…” He choked on the words, trying to fight back tears. “I’m just dragging you down into the dark with me, and you don’t belong here. And watching you slowly dying, watching your light fade…that’s bloody killing ME. I know that you can’t love me. And, I’m just being weak…selfish, by trying to keep you with me. You have to be stronger than that. I know you can be. I—“
“Spike,” Buffy tried to interrupt.
“Slayer, STOP!” His eyes, anguished sapphires, met hers. “I have to get this out! Do you think this is bloody EASY for me?”
“I love you.” She said it quietly, staring him in the eyes.
”WHAT?”
“I said, I love you.” Buffy swallowed hard, glanced down, and then met his eyes again, smiling this time. “You were right. I do feel it too. I was scared, and I was fighting it and you, and it’s my fault this has been so damned hard. The only time I could feel anything good was when I was with you, and it was so intense. And, yeah, I admit, there was a little bit of me-Slayer-you-vampire going on, but mostly it was because I was falling in love with you, and that, caring about someone that much, being that dependant on another person…that terrifies me.” She took a step towards him, encouraged when he didn’t move away.
“See, everyone I’ve loved has left.” He looked ashamed at that because really, he’d done the same thing. “No, don’t look like that.” Buffy insisted. “I was deep in denial, shopping for souvenirs with Xander…” Spike smirked at that, and when her hand reached hesitantly for his, he grasped it, entwining their fingers. “If you hadn’t left…well, I don’t know what would have happened, but I do think I needed that. I needed you to go, so I could realize what I had.” She gazed at his now smiling face and slowly a smile of her own grew. “But if you leave now that I’ve told you, I’ll have to kick your ass.”
Spike laughed at that. A burst of euphoria that Buffy realized she’d never heard from him before, and he pulled her into his arms. They stood there, just holding each other for a few moments, just enjoying the feel of each other. It was a first for them both. After a bit, Spike pulled back, and brushed a lock of hair back off her forehead. He smiled at he, his blue eyes twinkling in honest happiness, and asked the question that had been plaguing him since she’d arrived. “How did you find me?”
“Well believe it or not, Riley helped.” She giggled with merriment when Spike’s jaw dropped. “He was in town for some demon thing, and it turns out your chip is traceable. So him and Willow…”
“Wait, Willow knows about this?” She hadn’t thought he could look any more gobsmacked, but evidently she was wrong. She giggled again, delighting in their happiness.
“Yup.” Buffy confirmed, popping the ‘p’. “Everyone knows about us.” Her gaze softened as she smiled at him. “No more hiding, no more dirty-little-secret, we’re officially out of the closet.”
“Speak for yourself, love.” Spike leered at her, and then it softened into a genuine grin, before he laughed again. ”BLOODY HELL! I love you!” He capped off this euphoric statement by sweeping her into a searing kiss, his arms wrapping around her waist to hold her close, and her fingers twining in his curls.
Buffy pulled back to breathe and he basked in the happy flush and sparkling eyes of his love. Something that he hadn’t thought he would ever see again. She looked at him shyly, smiled, and ducked her eyes. He thought it was enchanting. The demon on his shoulder thought he was a great git, but, hell, it was pretty enraptured too. She glanced back up to his face, and asked quietly, “Are we alright?”
Spike smiled down at her and replied, “Right as rain, love. Right as rain.” Then he kissed her again.
The End
Author's Chapter Notes:
I don't own any of these characters. I just borrowed them. I think I put them back in better condition then I got them. This is my first time writing for the public. I'd love constructive criticism, but please be gentle. Some dialog borrowed from As You Were. *--* indicate thoughts