Author's Chapter Notes:
hope you like. still making it up as i go along. but i have lots of ideas and the next chapter is in the works. im just wondering on your ideas. I have lots of ideas bouncing around about Buffy's thoughts of what happened.
(Spike POV)

Spike shook the dizziness from his head, then, all the lights came on. He squinted and looked around. Soldiers were on the balcony pointing guns either at him, or at the demon. He wasn’t sure. He got his answer when the demon fell to the ground with several darts sticking out of his hide.

A young soldier approached to check on Buffy, but when Spike snarled at him, he backed away. Spike went to Buffy and checked her for injuries. Her heartbeat was strong, but she had a nasty bump on the back of her head. That was going to be hurting in the morning. He made a mental note to have her ice it when they got home. Spike checked her neck, arms, and with slow precision, he lifted her to look at her back. She had landed on a pile of crates, which had splintered under her. He moved her off the crates and eased her onto the floor. Floor was better than the wood.

The leader came down the steel stairs of the balcony.

“Hostile 17,” he said. It wasn’t a greeting, more of a statement.

“Go by Spike now,” Spike growled. “She needs medical attention. I don’t have time for you to screw around with me.”

“We’re here to help,” the guy said. “My name is Sergeant Ryan Cooper.” Sergeant Cooper extended his hand to Spike to let him know that he wasn’t lying.

Spike looked at the hand like it was serpent but gripped it in a handshake. “Buffy needs help.”

“I see that,” Ryan said. “Let’s get her to our medic. I promise she’ll be okay, and you can stay with her while she gets checked.”

Spike scooped Buffy up in his arms. “Have them put their guns down, yeah?”

Ryan gave the signal, and the soldiers lowered their guns. “Follow me,” he said, leading Spike to a makeshift medical area. “You can lay her on that table. We’re going to check for a concussion.”

After Spike carefully set Buffy on the metal table, he backed away with slow, hesitant steps. A woman wearing fatigues calmly approached Buffy. She gave Spike a small smile.

“My name is Major Lisa Maddison Please call me Lisa.”

. “Spike,” he answered with a nod. He watched as the nurse slipped on a pair of gloves and open a kit. “What are you doing?” he asked.

As she raised one of Buffy’s eyelids, then the other, flashing a pen light into both, Lisa answered, “I’m checking first to see if her eyes are dilating the same. They both look fine.” Lisa felt for Buffy’s pulse on her left wrist and silently counted as she watched the time. “Her pulse is a little on the high side, but that’s to be expected.” Next, she placed a blood pressure cuff around Buffy’s right upper arm.

Buffy groaned, and Spike went over to her side to pick up her hand.

“Buffy?” he asked softly.

Buffy squinted as she opened her eyes. “Oh, bright lights,” she moaned, closing her eyes again.

“Nothing I can do about that, Pet,” he said, kissing her forehead.

Slowly opening her eyes once more, she focused on Spike’s face. “Shouldn’t you be the one on the table? And who’s…?”

Spike smirked. “I can’t take you anywhere without you getting in trouble, so you had to make the trip to the table first. Nurse’s name is Lisa. Don’t worry, pet, been watching the whole time.” He looked at Lisa. “She gonna be okay?”

Lisa nodded as she finished checking Buffy’s blood pressure. “She’s going to be fine,” she said. “She’s going to be sore. Keep an eye out for her. She may have a mild concussion.”

Buffy shivered as she sat up. “She is right here. Who are you people?”

Spike draped his jean jacket around her shoulders. It wasn’t his usual leather coat, which he had to dig up still, but it would keep her warm nonetheless.

Sgt. Cooper came forward. “I’m Sergeant Ryan Cooper, ma’am. Agent Finn told us you needed some help with Hostile 17’s chip,” he said. “We were told to do everything we could.”

Buffy climbed off the table. “Let’s do what we came here to do,” she said, looking at Spike. She eyed the sergeant with wary eyes. “What are you planning on doing exactly?”

“Call me, Ryan, ma’am,” he said, offering his hand. “We’re going to look at his chip and see what we can do. It shouldn’t take long.”

Buffy shook his hand. “I’m Buffy. But, you already know that. The chip is firing on its own.”

Ryan waved the medical team over to the table. “You’re going to have to let us work on him,” he said. “Stay out of the way.”

“Are you going to put him to sleep or something?” Buffy asked.

Ryan chuckled. “No, we’re going to cut him open while he’s awake,” he said. Immediately he stopped chuckling when he saw Spike vamp and Buffy take a fighting stance. “Sorry, yes, we’re going to put him under anesthesia.”

“Let me make this perfectly clear, Sgt. Cooper,” Buffy stated. “Anything happens to Spike, and I’ll…”

“S’okay, pet. I’ll play nice with the docs,” Spike said, as he hopped on the same table Buffy had been on earlier.

“I want to be with him until he falls asleep,” she said, moving to stand by Spike’s head. She looked down at Spike and smiled. “I’ll be here when you wake up,” she said. “Not gonna leave you here. We’re going to get this fixed, and then you can go home and get some sleep.”

Buffy kissed his forehead. She backed away from him to let the Doctors work. She watched as they gave him a shot of something.

Spike eyes became heavy. “I love you,” he said, as he passed out from the anesthesia.


***
(Buffy POV)

Ryan approached Buffy. “Spike’s chip is degraded,” he confirmed. “If we don’t fix it, he will die.”

“What do we do?” Buffy asked.

“We can repair it,” he said. “Or, we can remove it. It’s up to you.”

Buffy thought about what Spike would want. He’d been held prisoner long enough. “Take the chip out.”

“It will take some time,” he stated. “He should be fine in a day or so.”

She nodded and crossed her arms, but kept silent.

“He means a lot to you, doesn’t he?” Ryan asked. “I’m asking, because I’ve never seen anything like this before. Slayers helping vampires? Not really in the rule book.”

“He’s my best friend,” Buffy replied. “So yeah, we mean a lot to each other.”

Ryan left Buffy alone to go organize Spike’s surgery.

Buffy sat on the floor to wait. Did she make the right choice? What if he didn’t recognize her when he woke up? What if he decides to go bad again and she has to kill him?

***

Buffy had watched the Doctors exit from the makeshift OR. She had entered the room but had stayed near the wall studying the now-still vampire. It was so unnatural to see him so still. He was always in constant motion. Buffy heard Spike groan and went to stand next to him. Her face hovered over his to block out some of the bright lights.

Spike’s eyes fluttered open. “I could say I guess I’m still undead, but I could have gone to heaven,” he said. “Head hurts. But if I get to see you, I’ll live with it.”

“You must be feeling better,” she said. “Already with the lame jokes.”

“You’re still wearing my jacket.” Buffy moved to take it off, but he stopped her. “You can keep it for now. Makes me feel manly if it keeps you warm.”

“And here I thought it was weapons that made you feel all manly?” she teased. She was pleased with his surprised expression and became serious. “You okay?”

“Not sure,” he answered as she helped him sit up. “What did they find out?”

“We should wait until we get home,” Buffy said, avoiding answering the question. “I’d rather tell you in private. Ryan’s taking us.”

The drive home was tense for Buffy. She didn’t know what she was going to tell Spike about his chip. She hoped he’d understand her decision. She thanked Ryan, and elbowed Spike in the ribs forcing him to do the same. She sighed when Ryan left and headed to the front porch. She got to the top of the steps before Spike’s voice stopped her.

“So, how much time do I have?” he asked. “Army boys couldn’t do anything?”

“You have until you die,” Buffy said. “Ryan said they could either put a new chip in or take the old one out.”

“So, you put a new one in.” he assumed. “That’s good. It’s better that way.”

“How?” Buffy asked. “How is that better?”

Spike looked up at her. He was standing on the cement, and she was on the porch. “Because maybe a new chip will keep The First out of my head.”

“I’ll keep The First away from you,” Buffy said, crossing her arms. She didn’t know how she was going to do that, but that was the best thing she could come up with.

Spike noticed her worried expression. “You did have them put a new chip in, right?” Spike asked.

“No, I didn’t,” Buffy said. Meeting his eyes, she softly said, “You’re chip free.”

“Because I have a soul.” Spike dropped his head.

Buffy walked down the steps. She lifted her eyes to his. “No, Spike. I trust you. Chip or no chip.. I trust *you*. I couldn’t wake you up to ask you. I thought about what you wanted, and I didn’t think you wanted another chip in your head. We would repeat this process in another three years, and I couldn’t do that to you. You’ll be fine without one.” She said that last more for her own reassurance.

“Yeah, until I kill someone again.”

Buffy frowned. “No,” she said in a firm voice. “You will be fine.”

“Buffy, I want to believe you, but the soul didn’t stop me from killing people,” he replied. “Every time I try to do something that’s good enough for you, it gets messed up.”

“Listen to me. You’re good enough for me. I’m grateful that you got a soul for me, and it helped me see things that I didn’t see before. It’s helped me see that you are a good man without a soul or a chip.”

“But, you don’t love me, Buffy,” he said. “It means a lot to hear you say that I’m a good man, but I still don’t have you.”

Tears formed in her eyes, but she wasn’t going to cry. That wouldn’t accomplish anything. “Spike,” she said. She picked up his hand to place it on her cheek. “I’m here, and there’s nowhere else I’d rather be.”

He looked at her with awe. That same look he gave her when she rescued him from the First and she told him she believed in him. She would never forget that look.

“I don’t love you, but we can get through this. I’m your friend, and I’m going to be by your side. You have to believe that.”

“I want to. I do.”

“Then, why don’t you?” Buffy asked.

“What about your friends?” he asked.

“What about them?”

Spike sighed and dropped his hand from her face. “They’re gonna kill me if they find out I don’t have a chip anymore.”

Buffy slid her hand into his. “No one is going to touch you,” she said. “I will explain things to them and lay down the rules.” She tugged on his hand and led him inside. She was about to lead him up to her room, but he froze at the foot of the stairs. “What’s wrong?”

“Where are we going?” Spike asked.

“My room.”

Spike shook his head. “That’s not a good idea,” he said. He tried to tug his hand free, but she held fast.

“Spike,” she said. “Come upstairs with me, and we’ll talk in my room.”

Spike trembled as she led him to her room and locked the door behind her. “Buffy,” he shuddered.

Buffy placed a finger over his lips. “Shhh,” she soothed. “Relax. I’m not putting you downstairs and locking you up. Not anymore. You’re going to be okay. I trust you.”

“I … I don’t think this is a good idea.”

Buffy took his hands and guided them to her hips. “You know you want to. You know you want to be here.”

“You don’t love me.”

She stepped closer to him and rested her hands on his chest. “I already told you I don’t.” She didn’t keep secrets from him anymore, so there was no reason to tell him otherwise. “But, I do want to be with you. And, I want you here. We’re just going to sleep.”

Spike nodded. “Okay,” he said, closing his eyes and leaning his forehead against hers.

Buffy leaned against him for a moment in a hug, before pulling away. She reached her hands out to the hem of his t-shirt, and he raised his arms for her to take it off. “You can sleep in your jeans or I might have some sweat pants. It’s up to you.” She went over to her dresser to get her own pajamas.

“I’ll be fine,” he said. Spike turned around as she changed.

When she finished changing, she came over and ran her hands over his bare back. “Relax,” she said, easing his tense and knotted muscles. “It’s okay for you to be here.”

Spike turned to look at her. “Now what?”

Buffy guided him to her bed. “Now, we sleep,” she said.

They both climbed in the bed and she turned off her lamp. Spike lay on his back, staring at the ceiling. She scooted over to him, and he seemed surprised when she lifted his arm for her to rest next to him. She laid her head on his chest and closed her eyes draping her arm over his stomach. “Goodnight, Spike,”

Spike kissed her head. “I love you, Buffy,” he said.

Buffy snuggled closer to him. “I know you do.”

***
(continue Buffy POV)

The next morning, Buffy headed downstairs to break the news to her friends. She left Spike sleeping in her bed so he could rest.

She paused in the doorway of the living room where Willow was on the couch with Kennedy. They looked close to her. Buffy cleared her throat and came in. “Hi, Will,” she said, sitting in the chair. “I guess you got everything sorted out. You know, with you being Willow again and all.”

“Hi, Buffy,” Willow said, smiling at her friend. “Sorry about yesterday. I… had a bit of glitch. Part of my guilt about flaying Warren.”

“I’m glad you’re okay,” Buffy said. “I need to talk to you. It’s kind of important.”

“I guess this means I should leave you two alone,” Kennedy said.

Willow pecked Kennedy on the lips. “Thanks,” she said, as Kennedy got up to leave the room. She looked at Buffy. “So what’s the what? New baddie in town that we have to worry about?”

Buffy bit her lip and came over to sit next to Willow. “Um… Spike’s chip was firing on its own. We went into the Initiative to see what we could find. Wasn’t what we expected. Soldiers came, and they took a look at Spike’s chip.”

“What did they say?” Willow asked. “Is he going to be okay?”

“Yes, he will be now. I had the chip removed,” Buffy said, staring at her hands, then thought better. She was stronger than this. She could look at Willow and say what needed to be said.

“Spike has no chip?” Willow looked confused and worried.

Buffy shook her head. “No, he doesn’t. I thought it was better that way.”

“You thought what was better?” Xander asked, coming into the living room. He came from the kitchen with a donut in his hand.

“To have no chip Spike around,” Willow said, with a bitter tone.

Xander choked on his donut “You decided what?”

“I had Spike’s chip removed,” Buffy said. “What is the big deal?”

“For one, he tried to rape you,” Xander exclaimed. “Or, did you forget that?”

“I didn’t forget,” Buffy seethed. She moved around the living room and stood by the French doors. “I will never forget what Spike did to me, but, he’s different now.”

“Just because Spike has a soul doesn’t make him different,” Xander growled, getting up to come over to Buffy.

“I agree,” Willow said. She stood and crossed her arms. “Buffy, I think you’re too attached to Spike, and you can’t see what he is. He’s a killer. Now, he's a killer without his leash.”

Buffy stared at her friends. “How can you say this to me? You, of all people?”

“What are you talking about?” Xander asked. “We’re your friends, and we care about you.”

Buffy snorted. “Spike’s my friend too,” she said, meeting his eyes.

“How can you be friends with someone who tried to rape you?” Xander asked.

“I’m still friends with you, Xander. You tried to rape me too, or did you forget? Spike has apologized to me, and he doesn’t pretend it never happened,” she declared. Buffy saw Xander pale and knew that her instincts had been correct. All these years he hadn’t forgotten, and he never had said he was sorry.

“His soul makes him sorry, Buffy,” Willow said. “But souls don’t prevent people from doing bad things.”

“No, it doesn’t, Willow. I mean your soul didn’t keep you from trying to turn Dawn back into just a key and from flaying Warren, now did it?” Buffy argued. “Spike went to get his soul because he was sorry. He loved me without it.”

Buffy felt her neck tingle, but she brushed it off. She wasn’t sure what it was. Probably just Spike just moving around upstairs.

Xander rolled his eyes. “Buffy, how can you do this?” he asked. “He’s a killer. He hurt you when he claimed to love you.”

“Like you hurt Anya?” Buffy said. She couldn’t let her friend talk about Spike like that.

“Leave her out of this,” Xander said. “It’s totally different. I loved her, and she loved me. I wasn’t ready to…”

“To what, Xander?” Buffy interrupted. “You weren’t ready to devote your life to her? That’s not love. But, you’re right. I didn’t love Spike. I don’t love Spike. But, at least I’m honest with him. He knows how I feel.”

“Enough,” Willow shouted. “This is getting us nowhere. This isn’t about Anya and our poor choices in life.”

“Yes, it is,” Buffy said. “You both think I wasn’t right to take his chip out. I believe in my heart that I did what I had to do.”

“Why?” Willow asked. “Why did you to take it out?”

Buffy realized she couldn’t face the real reasons she wanted Spike’s chip out, and she definitely couldn’t tell Willow and Xander why. They would never understand. Ignoring that persistent tickle in her senses, she lied. “It’ll help us in the battle,” Buffy said. “He’ll be a better fighter. I don’t want to worry about his head exploding or the chip messing up his brain when we’re in a battle. I need him strong and healthy. He’s the strongest one on my team.”

“So, that’s the only reason?” Xander asked a little too hopefully. “That you need him to fight?”

Buffy bit her lip, then noticed Spike lingering in the doorway. “Spike,” she said, in surprise. She wanted to pretend he hadn’t heard what she just said. She hoped he didnt hear. “What are you doing up?”

She approached him and reached her hand up to look at the staples in the back of his head, but he flinched away from her. “What’s wrong?” she asked.

Spike glared at her. “So, that’s all I’m good for huh?” He said. “Just to help you fight.”

“I didn’t mean it like that,” Buffy said. “How much did you hear?” She knew the answer. He never hid his emotions well.

“Enough to know that you’re full of shit, Buffy.”

“Watch how you talk to me.”

“Don’t tell me what to do, Slayer. I’m done taking orders from you.”

Buffy watched as he walked away from her and slammed the door as he went downstairs. Everything was going wrong. Her chest felt tight watching him storm away.





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