Author's Chapter Notes:
A/N: This is strictly a tongue-planted-firmly-in cheek look at a science fiction
convention. And before anyone gets upset, please understand this is done with love, written by someone who probably attends way too many of them.
Disclaimer: All hail Joss, from whom good writing flows. And obviously, the title is a blatant rip of Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure.
Chapter One
Sunnydale Convention Center
Early Saturday Morning



“Hi Buffy. Hi Spike.” Willow strolled up and smiled. “Are we the first ones?”

Buffy shrugged. “I’m not sure. We just got here ourselves.” She gestured at the locked door. “I knocked but so far no one’s answered. Jonathan said to come around to the back.”

The back door of the Sunnydale Convention Center opened and Xander popped his head out. “Hey guys.”

He stepped aside to let the three walk in the building. “Jonathan will be here in a minute. Somebody had a problem or a question or something.”

As the three walked into the convention center, Xander let out an exasperated sigh. “Hey, I thought we agreed to dress in costume today.” He pointed at himself. “I did, what’s your excuse?

Willow shook her head. “Sorry, Xander, but I told you I wouldn’t wear one. Not so big on the whole dressing up thing after what happened that Halloween.” She brightened. “But I did wear an appropriate tee shirt.”

Spike stopped looking bored momentarily to stare at Red’s tight tee shirt. After a long moment, he finally decided to read the shirt, too. Buffy cut her eyes at him,so he shrugged and read it out loud. Just to prove he’d actually been interested in it all along, of course.

“Jess Whedon is my master now.”

Buffy wrinkled her nose. “Who is Jess Whedon?”

Willow looked disgusted. “It’s Joss Whedon. He’s a very famous writer/ director person.”

Buffy and Spike both shrugged. “Oh.”

Xander smiled. “That’s great, Will.” He looked at Buffy. She was wearing a short mini skirt, boots and her pink fuzzy sweater. “So, Buff, where’s your costume?”

“I’m wearing it.” She did a tight pirouette. “I’m a vampire slayer, get it?”

“Oh.”

Buffy looked over at Willow and rolled her eyes. “Boys. Honestly, does he think I’d actually pair this skirt with this sweater if it wasn’t a costume?”

She nudged the vampire. “So Spike, where’s your costume?”

He smirked. “I’ve always got my costume.” Glancing around, he changed to game face. “Vampire, remember? Strictly here representing the horror contingent.”

He slid back to his human visage. “So, Harris, who in God’s name are you supposed to be?”

Xander puffed out his chest and almost split the tight polyester shirt at the seams. “I’m Captain Kirk of the U.S.S. Enterprise.”

Spike snickered. “You must be channeling the third season, after he’d been eatin’ well for two years.”

Before Xander could think of a come back, Jonathan came running up. At least as quickly as anyone could run wearing black platform boots with four inch heels. Wearing the heels, he could almost look Buffy in the eye. “Hi guys, I’m sorry I’m late. We had an emergency situation in one of the panels. Somebody actually had the nerve to try to sneak to the head of the line.”

He shook his head in disgust. “I got there just before it turned really ugly. That panel had someone who was a guest star, later a semi regular, from the story arc of the second season of Battlestar Gallactica. The original series, not the new one. People had been waiting in that line for hours.” Jonathan took several deep breaths and tried to calm down.

Xander looked with approval at Jonathan’s authentic Klingon costume, complete with brow ridges and wig. Now here was a guy who actually understood the importance of a science fiction convention. That costume was a commitment.

Jonathan smiled up at Buffy. “Thanks again for doing this Buffy. This is such an important event for our club and Sunnydale, too. It’s not often that a smaller group like ours is invited to host something this large. So when Andrew told me about the rumors going around that some demons were going to try and rob the convention, I got really worried.”

He lowered his voice conspiratorially. “There are some really valuable things in the dealer’s room.” He dropped his voice even lower. “I personally donated a mint condition Boba Fett for the silent auction.” He shrugged his shoulders. “It’s for charity, after all.”

Spike’s eyes had wandered over to a woman walking by wearing nothing but creatively placed caution tape. Buffy shot him an annoyed look. He finally snapped back to the conversation when Buffy elbowed him.

“Uh huh. So what exactly do you want us to do?”

“Well, I thought you could just sorta blend in and walk around. You know, keep an eye out for anyone who looks like they don’t belong.” He reached in a plastic bag. “Here are your convention badges. These are volunteer badges, so you can go behind the scenes if you need to.”

As everyone began to pin them on, he pulled out some stapled booklets. “Here are your program guides. I hope that as you patrol, you’ll take advantage of some of the panels and activities, too. We worked really hard to make this fun and entertaining for everyone.”

He smiled again at the group. “Thanks for doing this, guys. Well, I’ve gotta go. If you need me, just go up to the lost and found booth and they’ll page me.”

He spun on his boots and nearly toppled over. After he’d righted himself and strolled away, Buffy turned to the group. “Well, I guess we should probably look around. Anyone have anywhere in particular that they think we should look first?”

It was immediately apparent that everyone had somewhere different that they needed to check out.

“Oooh, Buffy, there’s a panel on the science behind ice planets.” Willow looked up from the program and beamed. “I’ll check that out for you.”

Buffy agreed immediately. “Yeah, that’s a good idea, Willow. In fact, why don’t you check out all the science panels.”

“Buffy?”

“Yeah, Xander?”

“I’m going to go look for Anya. She’s supposed to meet us here. Then there’s a question and answer thing with Jolene Blalock that I’ll make sure is demon free.”

Buffy shrugged. “That’s fine.”

Spike perused the guide. “Oh look, Nosferitu is playin’ in ten minutes.” He looked over at Buffy. “Have you ever seen it Pet? It’s a classic.”

Buffy frowned. “Is that the war movie with the nazi where they blow up the bridge?”

Spike chuckled. “Only you, Slayer, could actually mix up Nosferitu with The Bridge Over the River Kwai.” He linked his hand in hers. “Come on. You’ll like it.”

Spike figured that Buffy, being of the cgi movie generation, would actually be bored witless in about ten minutes with the black and white silent movie. But being alone in a darkened theatre with what would probably turn out to be a very sparse audience lent itself to all sorts of delicious choices. Not the least of which would be the chance for a heavy make out session.

Buffy allowed herself to be gently pulled along. Even if the movie was lame, at least she’d be alone with Spike for awhile. She called over her shoulder to the rest of the undercover Scoobies. “We’ll all meet for a late lunch.”


Buffy had started to fidget five minutes into the movie. Was the audience really supposed to believe that weird thing on the screen was really a vamp? Even the master had looked cuter than this guy. No wonder there were only about a dozen people in the entire theatre. And it looked like most of them were sleeping. Now she just needed to get Spike to stop watching the darned screen…..

Spike knew the instant Buffy stopped watching the movie. After all, he hadn’t been watching the movie either. He immediately put his arm around her and pulled her close. Placing his lips close to her ear, he whispered. “What’s the matter, luv. Don’t like it after all?”

She whispered back. “No. I want something else to do. I’m bored.”

Spike ran his tongue lightly around her ear and whispered. “I’ve got something else to do in mind…..”


“Xander.”

Xander looked up when he heard his name and smiled. “Hi Anya. Sorry I couldn’t find you earlier. Buffy wanted me to go check out this question and answer thing and I had to wait in a long line.”

He kissed her and adjusted her ears. “You look great.”

Anya preened. “I do so like this particular breed.” She straightened her costume. “The Ferengi are very much underrated. I feel they should have their own series.” She looked around. “Where are the others?”

“We’re going to meet them now.”

When they arrived in front of the con suite, everyone was already there. Buffy and the others were staring at a huge poster advertising a new movie. It depicted a pretty petite brunette teenager in a black cat suit standing on a table with an ax in her hand. She stared through her lashes menacingly. A dead demon that looked surprisingly like D’Hoffryn lay at her feet.

Willow read aloud. “Kari the demon slayer. Wow, that sounds pretty cool.”

Buffy snickered. “That’s so lame. She’s so small. Who’s gonna ever believe that she could kill anything as big and mean as a demon?” She shook her head. “Movies are becoming more unrealistic every day.”

****

“Hey Buffy, I’m glad I found you guys.”

“Oh hi, how are you?” She fumbled around for his name.

Willow supplied it. “Andrew. Tucker’s brother.”

Buffy nodded. “Oh yeah. So, what’s up Andrew?” She noticed his costume.
“Uh, that’s an interesting costume.

He smiled a little deprecatingly. “Actually nobody here really gets it. But I already
had it from an anime con that I went to a couple months ago.” He smoothed the skirt and blouse. “It’s Kagura Sohma from Fruits Basket.” He shrugged. “It’s my favorite anime show.”

Buffy’s eyes glazed over. Willow prodded her shoulder. “Oh. Well, it’s very…”

Spike snickered and offered help. “Fruity?”

Buffy glared at him and turned back to Andrew. “I was going to say very… Japanese.
Very Japanese and…..clean. Yes. Very Japanese and clean.”

Spike snorted.

Ignoring Spike, she asked, “So, Andrew, what is it that you wanted?”

“Oh. Well, Jonathan wanted to know if you guys could maybe stand guard in the dealer’s room for a bit this afternoon? We’ve got a couple of volunteers in there now, but they’ll need a break.” He looked around at the group. “We’d only need a couple of people.”

Buffy smiled. “Sure, we can do that.”

Xander stepped forward. “Have you heard anything else about the robbery?”

Andrew nodded. “Actually I talked to Tucker a little while ago on the phone. He knows someone that was at a party last night with the demons that said they were going to rob us. Anyway, Tucker called around and heard that they were looking to do it during the slowest time of the convention.”

Buffy looked confused. “You’ll have to help us a bit. When is that exactly?”

“Well, I think they mean when most everybody is concentrated in one of the two big activities. That’s when the rest of the convention is pretty slow.” He took a deep breath and lowered his voice. “I think it’s going to happen either during the masquerade contest or during the dance afterwards.”

He looked down at his watch. “Oh, I’ve gotta go. I’m supposed to be helping set up for the children’s costume contest right now. I’ll see you guys later.”

Anya was still staring at the poster. “Hmm, I’d heard rumors, but I just didn’t believe it.”

“What was that An.?” Xander looked at his fiancé affectionately. She really did look incredibly sexy in those ears.

“Well, there was a rumor that D’Hoffryn took some of his vacation time and did a cameo in some movie.” She peered closer at the poster. “It sure looks like him.” She shook her head. “I’m gonna have to make some calls later.” She linked her arm through Xander’s and inquired brightly. “So what will we be doing next?”

Xander looked over at Buffy. She shrugged and looked at Willow. Willow shrugged and looked at Spike. Spike shrugged and looked at the poster again.

Suddenly a cultured British accent floated over Buffy’s shoulder. “Why Buffy. And Xander. Willow. My, even Spike. What ever are you all doing here?”

They turned around. Wesley was standing in front of them with a surprised expression across his face.

Buffy smiled. “Hi Wes. How are you?” She looked closer. “It is you isn’t it?”

Wesley was amused. “Yes. It is I.”

“What exactly are you doing here?”

Wesley stood straighter. “I attend a great variety of gatherings, including science fiction conventions.”

Xander scanned the ex watchers costume quickly. “Hmm, hat, scarf, coat. Bag of Jelly Babies. You got me.” He snickered. “Who are you supposed to be?”

Spike barked a laugh. He looked admiringly at Wes. “Good choice. Baker always was the best.”

Wes nodded. “Yes, he’s always been my favorite, too.”

Buffy and Willow looked confused. “Just who is he?”

Wes grinned. “Dr. Who actually.”

Buffy’s eyes glazed again.

After saying good bye to Wes, the group walked into the con suite. To reach the food, they skirted a large contingent of costumed people. Spike counted two scientists from Planet of the Apes, one Dr. Strangelove, and three overweight Princess Leia’s. Dr. Strangelove was trying to remove cream cheese from his dark gloves and the three Princess Leia’s were all arguing over the last jelly donut.

He shook his head and almost walked into a very pretty girl wearing a glittery set of three foot wide fairy wings. She had managed to get them caught in one of the chairs. Spike and Xander helped her dislodge them and she rewarded them with a bright smile.

They grinned in return.

After pouring herself a Pepsi, Buffy carefully stepped around a huge pile of glitter that had been left in the floor by the chairs. She dropped into a seat and took a long drink. This convention was definitely fun but tiring. She shook her head amused at the thought that Spike had actually wanted to see some old movie about vampires. Go figure. She watched a couple wearing matching tee shirts and holding hands wander through. They had cute matching antennae, too. She smiled.

Spike was happy. This entire day was turning out way better than he’d ever thought it would. He’d been amused and entertained, had a great snog with Buffy, and now free nachos. He was astounded to discover that they also had chocolate chip cookies in here. For free.

He was in the middle of attempting to surreptitiously sneak some Jack from his flask into a paper cup of Pepsi when he heard a familiar voice call his name.

“Hi Spike.” Clem walked up holding a plate of cheetos. He beamed at the vampire. “What’s up?”

Spike capped the top and dropped the flask back into the pocket of his duster. “Hey mate.” He took in the demons’ costume. Clem was wearing a bow tie and a white lab coat.

Before Spike could speak, a group of teenagers dressed as Lord of the Rings characters approached Clem. Gimli reached up and tapped Clem’s arm. “Excuse me mister. Could we take your picture?” He held up a small digital camera. “That is one of the most awesome costumes we’ve seen today. It must have taken you hours.”

Clem beamed and straightened his bow tie. “Sure.”

After the teens shot the picture, thanked him and left, Clem turned back to Spike. “That’s been happening to me all day. I didn’t realize that Bill Nye was so popular.”

He smiled happily. “Everyone seems to appreciate how many hours it took me on eBay to find an exact replica of his bowtie.”

Spike grinned at the demon. “Yeah, well Bill Nye is a bloody icon.”

The group finished eating and decided to split up again. They still hadn’t noticed anything unusual, although they all agreed it was difficult to tell, really.

Buffy and Spike headed down to the dealer’s room. Willow went to sit in on another science panel. Xander and Anya went to look around back stage and then reserve some seats for the masquerade contest.

****

“How much for this Babylon Five commemorative plate?”

“Thirty Dollars. I marked it down due to a slight imperfection.”

“Imperfection?” The customer wearing the wookie fur suit was disgruntled. At least it sounded that way. The Chewbacca head never changed expressions. “That’s way more than an imperfection. There’s a chunk missing. The only thing you can see of Marcus Cole is his beard.”

The dealer shrugged. “He left the series anyway.”

Chewie pulled out a wallet. “Yeah, that’s true.”

Buffy stood by the door trying to figure out if any of the people bickering and haggling in the dealer’s room were trying to pull anything sneaky. Bits of conversations floated around her.

“I told him not to remove it from the box.”

“I’ve got the entire series now, but a couple of the early episodes are a little fuzzy.”

“Well, it was quite clearly explained in canon this way…”

“So I said to her, ‘hey I really like your sword’ and she said ‘hey, I really like your riding crop’. …..”

Buffy’s attention had been diverted by the incredible looking guy in the Ren Faire outfit. With his white flowing sleeves and tight leather pants, he definitely looked nefarious. She watched him lean over a table. Oh yeah, most definitely worthy of some very serious watching.

“Slayer.”

She wrenched her eyes back to Spike. “Huh?”

Spike had walked up and blocked her view. Drat.

“I don’t think there’s anything wrong going on in here. Unless you count the prices they’re charging for their porn.”

Buffy sighed. “Yeah, I haven’t noticed anything either.”

Spike snorted. “Just how long did what’s his name say we needed to stay in here?”

Buffy looked toward the door. She noticed a storm trooper accompanied by a pirate walking in both wearing volunteer badges. “I’d say we’re relieved.”

Spike laughed. “You can say that again.”


“Xander, there’s nothing back here but many people dressing.” Anya walked out of the backstage area and down the stairs to the floor.

Xander nodded. “Let’s go save everyone seats. It’s still early enough to get some good ones.”

A few minutes later Buffy and Spike strolled in. They joined the couple. Buffy craned her head. “Where do you suppose Willow is?”

Spike handed her the program guide. “See if there’s a panel on nuclear physics.”

Buffy rolled her eyes. Turning around she spotted Willow in the doorway and waved. “Here she comes now.”

Willow sat down in her seat looking distressed. “They cancelled the panel I was going to do, the moderator got sick. So I went to this one.” She pointed at the guide. “It was horrible.”

Buffy looked down. “The history of witchcraft?”

Willow nodded and shuddered. “They showed some really graphic depictions of the Salem witch trials. I got nauseous and almost had to leave.” She was indignant. “You’d think they’d put a warning in the guide.”

Spike snorted. “What do you want them to say? Beware of this panel if you’re really worried about being burned at the stake?”

Willow frowned. “It could happen. I’ve had problems with that in the past.”

Xander hissed. “Quiet, they’re starting.”

Buffy decided that the masquerade contest was really entertaining. She’d actually recognized some of the characters depicted and the work people had put into their costumes was amazing. She clapped enthusiastically.

But there were a few costumes that made utterly no sense to her. She poked Spike and whispered. “Why would a person in a suit that’s made to look like a giant fur animal need a panel that opens in the front and the back?”

Spike opened his mouth to respond and promptly clamped it shut again. No bloody way.

Finally the winners were announced, prizes were collected and the audience filtered out.

Jonathan walked up on stage and announced that the band would be setting up momentarily. Turning around he tripped and fell from the stage. As a couple of people in SG-1 jackets gated over to lift him, Buffy sighed. “The dance is the only thing left. Do you suppose somehow we missed the robbers?”

Everyone shrugged. Spike took Buffy by the hand. “Come on; let’s go get some more food while the band sets up.”

She nodded and followed him out. It took awhile to wade through the people. Some of whom were obviously very inebriated. Weaving and lurching were becoming the standard mode of transportation in the hallways.

Spike snickered and thought how most of them would benefit from being able to beam themselves around the con. He navigated around a John Steele and an Emma Peel. They were using the wall and his sturdy umbrella to remain upright.

They finally reached the floor with the con suite. As they left the elevator, they stepped around a couple arguing heatedly about the pros and cons of Firefly class transports.

The remainder of the hall was empty.

Buffy looked around. “Spike, don’t you think it’s awfully quiet up here?”

Spike scratched his head. “Yeah. I guess everyone but the wankers back there are all down stairs.” He smirked. “Except us, that is.”

Just then they heard a loud scraping noise and a muffled curse.

“That came from the con suite.” Buffy grabbed his hand. “Come on.”

They walked in on a robbery in progress. Three very inebriated demons were attempting to disconnect the soda machine.

Buffy stood with her hands on her hips. “Just what do you think you’re doing?”

One of the demons lifted a bleary eye. “We want to borrow this.” He tried to walk and fell down in the closest chair at a table.

Spike stepped forward. “That belongs to the convention.”

The second demon tried to walk and nearly fell. “But we’ve been planning to take this all day.” He whined. “We need it.”

Buffy pulled the last demon away from the machine. They hadn’t actually managed to disconnect it, only pull it away from the wall.

Buffy was curious. “What were you going to do with it anyway?” She couldn’t believe with all the things here to steal, they’d want this old Pepsi machine.

The first demon raised his head from the table. “We’re planning a kegger for tomorrow’s
dead dog party and we want to have this for the designated drivers.”

Buffy frowned. “You’re planning on killing dogs? But you won’t drink and drive?”

The second demon shook his head. His eyes rolled around in their sockets. “No, that’s what you call the end of the con party.”

Spike chuckled. “Why don’t you just have the party here? It’s not like anyone’s goin’ to notice a few demons among this group.” An image of a happy Clem flashed through his mind.

The third demon nodded. “That’s what I said.” He punched his friend. “Didn’t I say, let’s just have it here?”

“Yeah. Well, okay, that’s probably the best idea anyway.” The demon’s head hit the table with a resounding thunk. He started to snore.

Buffy and Spike pushed the machine back against the wall. All three of the demons were passed out on the floor. Buffy wondered how that one demon would remove all the glitter from his hair. She was just glad she didn’t have to worry about it. That would be harder to remove than dried blood.

They poured themselves a drink and sat down at a different table. Spike pulled out his flask and poured the last of his Jack Daniels into each of their cups. He raised his glass. “Here’s to the convention.” They touched their paper cups together and downed the drinks.

Buffy grabbed Spike’s hand. “Come on Spike. The band’s gonna start soon. I want you to dance with me.”

“Okay, pet.”

As they headed back down the hall, they skirted the same couple. They were no longer arguing. Now they were hugging each other and sobbing over someone named Wash.

“Spike?”

“What, Slayer?”

“This was fun. Wanna come back next year?”

“Sure.”

“Spike?”

“Yeah ?”

“Let’s make a costume next time.”

"Can I still wear my coat?"

“Oh yeah.”

The End.





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