Title: Tell Me You Love Me
Author: Pattyanne
snapkik@yahoo.com
Disclaimer: Don't own 'em

Summary: Spike gets fed up when
Buffy won't admit that she loves
him. He leaves town. She falls
apart. Help comes from the
last person you'd expect.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



Part One.....


She sat on the side of the bed, staring
at the wall with glazed eyes.

Waiting for him. Hoping she was wrong.
Hoping he would appear with his smart
aleck smile and a suggestive comment
about finding her in his bed.

But in the place where she buried all
unacceptable facts and ugly truths, she
knew it wasn't going to happen. Not this
time.

Not ever again.

Spike was gone, and she had only her-
self to blame.

He had asked so little of her, she knew that
now...now that it was too late.

Spike hadn't wanted to change her. He'd
never demanded that she live her life on
his terms, conforming to his desires, and he'd
never asked her to pretend to be less than
what she was.

Her identity was comprised of many parts.
A daughter, a sister, a friend, a student, a
slayer.

All of these things were her, and the juggling
act she had to perform to keep all those balls
in the air sometimes drove her to despair,
leaving her teetering on the edge of a cliff,
with nowhere to go but down.

Spike always pulled her back from it.

Here in this room, in his bed, she'd only
ever had to be herself. Just a girl with a man
who only wanted one thing from her, a
thing that she had refused to give him.

Not once had she said the words, no
matter that she had the feelings.

He'd wanted so badly to hear her say it,
and she wouldn't. Even after everything
he'd done for her...she wouldn't say it.

For her, Spike had turned his back on
all that he'd been for over a hundred years.
Not because of that behavior modification
chip, but because of her.

The implant didn't matter. He could
have gotten around it somehow, if he'd really
wanted to. All he would need to do was
hook up with another vampire, one who would
do the actual killing.

As Drusilla had once offered.

But he hadn't done that. He'd had a choice,
and he'd chosen her. To stay with her, to
fight beside her, to kill his own kind, placing
himself at a constant risk, because there
wasn't a demon in this town who didn't know
that he was allied with the slayer...and they
hated him for it.

His decision. His choice.

It was a choice that Angel had never
made.

Well, Angelus hadn't, anyway. Angelus
hadn't chosen to stop killing, it had been
forced on him. The moment he'd had
the chance, he'd picked up right where he'd
left off. Only worse.

Losing his soul again had freed him and
made him more vicious and violent than
he'd been the first time, as though he'd
felt a compulsion to make up for lost
time, for all those years when he didn't
terrorize, and torture, and kill.

Buffy sighed deeply, rubbing her eyes.

And even if the implant did keep Spike
from killing, it hadn't made him help her
and protect the people she loved.

It certainly hadn't been responsible for
him standing right beside her during her
showdown with Glory.

Buffy had come within a hair's distance
of losing that battle, and she WOULD
have lost it much earlier in the game if
it hadn't been for Spike's refusal to reveal
the identity of Glory's key, despite hours
of brutal torture.

No, that had been a choice he had made. A
choice that had its roots in his love for her.

**And for what? For a girl who comes to his
bed every night, accepting all the pleasure
he gives me...I take and I take, and I never
give back..**

So, why wouldn't he leave? Why would
he want to stay with someone who refused
to admit to having any feelings for him other
than physical attraction or desire, the kind of
desire that any man could satisfy, making
him feel that he was what she had once
cruelly called him...a convenience.

No one with any sense would want to re-
main with a person who flung such hateful
words at them.

"I hate you...you're a pig...why won't you
just leave...you disgust me...you're not
a man, you're a thing...an evil, disgusting
thing...perverse...degrading...get out...go
away...stay away...tell anyone and I WILL
kill you...."

The ugly words rang in her ears, making her
cringe in shame.

Even after they'd gotten past that point in their
relationship, she had never done anything to
make up to him for her shabby treatment.

If she HAD done right by him, he'd be here
with her now. All she would have needed to
do was tell him she loved him, and everything
that had come before would be forgiven...for-
gotten.

The sadness she was feeling now was
taking a slow stranglehold on her throat,
making her eyes burn with tears that needed
to be cried.

She was lost now, and the only one who
could find her had turned his back on her
and walked away.

Forever.....



The clang bang of the door above being
opened and closed sent a wild rush of
hope through her...

**He's back...he came back to me..**

...a hope that died instantly when she
turned and saw Xander climbing down the
ladder to the lower level.

"Yo, Spike!" he called out as he descended.
"I'm looking for...Buffy?"

She shook her head. "He's not here," she
said flatly. "He's gone."

"Uh-huh. Well, actually I was looking for
YOU, and I thought he might...Buffy?" He
knelt in front of her. "What's the matter?"
he asked, sincerely concerned. "Why are
you crying?"

The tears had finally begun, brimming in
her eyes, then tracing a slow path down
her cheeks. "He's gone...and I don't know
what I'm gonna do..."

"Gone?" Xander sat on the side of the bed
next to her. "Gone where? What makes
you think he's gone?"

Buffy disregarded the question. "Do...do
you know why he left?" she asked, wiping
her eyes on her sleeve.

Xander frowned as he considered possible
answers to this question. Surely she didn't
mean that Spike was gone as in...dead?

That couldn't be it. It didn't make any sense.
Asking if he knew why Spike had left,
indicated that he'd done it of his own free
will.

But THAT made even less sense. Spike
leave Sunnydale? Leave Buffy? No way.

So what the hell had happened?

"No," he finally said. "I guess I don't."

"He left," Buffy informed him, "because he
loves me...and I hurt him. I hurt him
so much that he had to leave town to get
away from me."

Okay, NOW he knew something was off
kilter. Buffy had put plenty of hurtin's on
Spike over the years, and he always came
back for more.

"What do you mean?" he asked. "How did
you hurt him? Were you guys fighting?"

Buffy sniffled and shook her head. "I need
to find him, so that I can tell him that I love
him, too." A strong sob racked her small
frame. "I should have told him before...but
I didn't. I waited too long and...and now it's
too late."

She looked at Xander imploringly, as though
he was the oracle who could provide all
the answers. "Why didn't I tell him, Xander?
I knew that I loved him...why didn't I say it?"

Xander was still absorbing the words "I love
him."

Part of him was surprised at Buffy's
confession, while the other part had, on some
subconscious level, been expecting it.

He had known that Spike was in love with Buffy.
Anybody with eyes in their heads could see
that the slayer's former worst enemy had
fallen for her in a big way.

Xander had stopped believing long ago in
the 'vampires can't love' theory. Ordinary
vampires, maybe, but Spike wasn't exactly
ordinary.

Ever since they'd all banded together during
the 'Glory' crisis, Buffy and Spike had
spent a considerable amount of time together.
He went out with her every time she prowled
the cemeteries and back alleys of the Hell-
mouth, staking more vamps than anyone else
in the gang besides her.

Xander had watched as they grew closer
and, surprisingly, it hadn't bothered him as
much as he'd thought it would. Though he'd
rather bite off his tongue than say it, he found
Spike to be fairly likeable these days.

Spike had done his share and more, when it
came down to saving the world, and he'd
made an obvious effort to change, to become
something more than what he'd been.

And it wasn't to score points with Buffy. Maybe
at first, but not anymore. He displayed clear
affection for Dawn, and seemed fond of Willow
and Tara as well. He never hesitated to join
in and fight, and he'd stepped between all of
them and certain disaster more than once.

Even Giles has come around to trusting him,
and THAT was really saying something.

"I'm sorry, Buffy," he said, feeling lame
and useless. "I just...I honestly don't know
what to say to you right now."

She stared at him for a moment, then shrug-
ged. "Why am I even asking YOU?" she said
bitterly. "You hated him. Even after things
changed...after HE changed...you never
gave him a chance. None of you did, really,
but you most of all."

Xander was stung by her words and tone. "Hey,
that's not..."

"How many times did he save your ass, Xander?"

"More than once...I know that. But I..."

"So damned ungrateful." Her voice was tight
with anger.

"Okay, now THAT'S it!" Xander said hotly,
feeling his own anger rise. "I was NOT un-
grateful for anything, and I didn't...I DON'T..hate
him. Not for a long time now...and neither do
the others."

Buffy stared at the floor, refusing to meet
his eyes. "All you ever did was insult him,"
she mumbled.

"Yeah! That's right!" He took a deep breath,
trying to control his irritation. "And all HE
ever did was insult ME. It doesn't mean
that we hated each other. I mean, can you
see us having a touchy-feely encounter
session, where we discuss all our innermost
feelings and end it with a big hug?"

She shook her head. "That's not...:

"Don't blame ME," he cut her off rudely, "be-
cause you didn't have the guts to tell him
that your feelings had changed. That's not
anyone's fault, but yours. You're a big girl,
Buffy and..." He stopped ranting when
she began to cry again.

"I know," she whimpered. "It IS my fault.
I brought it...all on myself...and now I'm
getting what I...deserve. It's just..." She
looked at him sadly. "I just wish I could
take it all back...do it all again..."

Xander's ire drained away in the face of her
heartbreak. He slipped one arm around
her shoulders, holding her while she cried.

"I'm sorry, Buffy," he tried to soothe her. "I'm
sorry I yelled at you like that. I didn't mean.."

"I know," she said, drying her eyes again on
the sleeve of her shirt, leaving smears of
mascara on the material. "I'm sorry too...for
what I said before."

He shook his head and tried out a smile. "Aw,
fugeddabout it. I've heard worse...a lot worse
come to think of it."

After a few moments of silence, he spoke
hesitantly. "Buffy...I know that it's personal
and you can tell me to mind my own business,
but...were you and Spike..."

"Sleeping together?" she offered. "Yes. For
almost four months now."

Xander was truly perplexed. Spike had wanted
Buffy for so long...and he himself knew how
that felt, having spent a certain period of his
OWN life wanting her.

But, unlike him, Spike had been given the
key to paradise. Had he actually given
it back because she'd never told him that
she cared?

Apparently, there was a lot more to Spike
than Xander had ever realized.

He was startled out of his thoughts when
Buffy suddenly jumped to her feet.

"I've...I've gotta get out of here, Xander. I
just...I can't talk anymore about this..not
right now."

She was halfway up the ladder before he
knew what was happening.

"Wait a second...I'll take you home. Buffy!
Wait for..."

He went after her, but by the time he'd
climbed to the upper level and ran out-
side...she was nowhere in sight.



TBC.....
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