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Author's Chapter Notes:
A/N: This is my first ever Spuffy fic, so please don't be too harsh.
The dialogue in the beginning is taken from the episode. It's one of my most painful, Aw-poor-Spike scenes.

Disclaimer: Yes, we all want Spike, but we just can't have him. Me neither. Nothing is mine.
Chapter 1 - Helplessness & Denial

“You have got to be kidding me.” Xander's tone was one of outraged anger.

Spike sighed. He’d hoped to be able to come by unnoticed. He didn’t want to stir up trouble. That wasn’t what Buffy needed. And the nibblet. The little one had to be devastated. “I'm not going in.” He bit out in his defensive.

“And you're not leaving those.” Xander announced this like a command.

Spike just barely managed to stop himself from hiding the flowers he was holding behind his back. He wasn’t doing anything wrong! He was here to pay his respect to a Lady, he didn’t need the allowance of Harris for that.

“You actually think you're gonna score points with Buffy this way?”

His hands clenched around the stems. Joyce was dead. Couldn’t the monkey just give him a break? All he wanted to do was bring the woman who’d made hot chocolate for him and listened to his heartache some flowers.

“This isn't about Buffy. “ He pressed out, his teeth clenched.

“Bull. We're all hip to your doomed obsession.” Xander snarked.

”They're for Joyce.” He couldn‘t believe it. They were flowers. It was what you did when people died. Why did they had to make this harder? Did they think he LIKED being here? Knowing that he wasn‘t welcome, would never be welcome again? That he was the last person the girl, for whom his heart was breaking so unexpectedly for, would want to have around to comfort her? He briefly pressed his eyes close in exasperation. He really didn‘t want to lose it in front of the whelp, and therefore he nearly missed Xander's next comment. Nearly. Unfortunately.

“Like you cared about her.”

That struck. Spike really tried to hold back his frustration and anger, and he swallowed hard as Willow stepped between them. He took a deep breath and clenched his jaw to keep from shouting at the stupid git. From throwing a punch, he knew would hurt him more than anybody else. From doing something that would deeply disrespect the woman he had come to honor.

“Care?” He pressed through his teeth. “Joyce was the only one of the lot of you that I could stand.”

“And she's the only one with a daughter you wanted to shag. I'm touched.”

At that Spike nearly lunged at Xander so great was his urge to rip out his throat. Joyce had been a nice person, he’d come by the house quite some time for a little chat without the Slayer ever to know. Now she was dead and what this bloody wanker was spilling out of his stupid gob was just disrespectful, damnit! Sick from his helplessness, not being able to act on his anger he hissed. “I. Liked. The Lady. Understand, monkey boy? She was decent. She didn't put on airs. She always had a nice cuppa for me…”

At that Willow gave him a sad smile. She had the feeling Spike honestly just was here about Joyce. But Xander never could cut him some slack, it wasn’t in his nature. She almost thought she was seeing something like tears in the vampires eyes as he continued.

“... And she never treated me like a freak.” Spike finished. Immediately knowing he had left himself wide open with that one.

“Her mistake.” Xander predictably spat with an almost cruel smile.

Spike had enough. He knew he couldn’t hurt the boy and he wasn’t going to argue and swear to his honorable intentions. He had had enough scorn and mockery for his heartfelt grief and he somehow didn’t feel as thick-skinned as he had learned to be today.

“Think what you want.” He stated tiredly. Throwing the flowers to the ground - not without regret. Then he turned and walked away. Look at me. William the Bloody fighting for the right to bring a dead woman flowers! But he had wanted to, because he knew that Joyce would have liked it. Obviously the git was too stupid to see that this was not about him.

Willow looked at Xander who hadn’t stopped ranting, then bend to pick up the flowers.

“The guy thinks he can put on a big show and con Buffy into being his sex monkey.” Xander still looked affronted.

Willow sighed. “Xander...!” She interrupted his rant and he looked at her questioningly. “He didn't leave a card.”

Willow thought that pretty much said it all. If Spike would have wanted to show off, he obviously wouldn’t have done it like that. She smiled sadly looking at the pretty flowers in her hands. They even looked like someone had plucked them himself. It was strangely endearing and she didn’t want to cheat Joyce out of a gift she believed had truly come from the heart.

She turned back inside the house and put the flowers in a vase without a word.


Buffy stood at the kitchen sink, absent-mindedly scrubbing at a plate while starring out through the window into the darkness. They had talked about the obituary and if there would be a wake and it all felt so absolutely unreal. This was so far from anything to do with her mother. She still couldn’t grab the concept that she wouldn’t come back. She was her mother… she was there… she always was.

Maybe this was just a dream. Maybe she was just on a business trip and she would call later to see if they were alright, and then she would come back. She would come through the door, sighing and a little exhausted and kick of her shoes, because her feet hurt and she would call that she was home and smile and ask if there had been any incidents while she was gone and how they’d been. She would complain about the mess in the kitchen Dawn had made with her experimental cooking, she should really see to it that she cleaned that up before… her gaze went down to the plate that was most definetly clean by now. She didn’t know how long she had been scrubbing at it, but the skin of her hands was already wrinkling. She put the plate in the colander and stared at the sink for a moment not knowing what she was supposed to do now.

Aimlessly she went into the living room. Willow was shuffling stuff around rather aimlessly herself and Buffys eyes fell on a bunch of flowers, daisies mainly, that stood in a vase on a side table.

“They are pretty.” Buffy said with a small smile, not seeing Willows nervous look as she followed the direction of Buffys gaze. “Mom likes daisies… liked… daisies. She liked daisies.”

It was in this moment that Xander came into the room, seeing Buffy absently touching the heads of the flowers. “Did you have to put them here?” Xander asked exasperatedly looking at Willow.

Buffy looked up with a confused frown.

“It’s -” Willow began, but Xander interrupted her.

“SPIKE brought them!” Xander spat looking towards Buffy. “Can you believe the gall of the guy?”

Buffy’s eyes widened. “S-spike? Why would he…”

“Well, I thought that was obvious.” Xander said. “we should throw them out.”

“No.”

Xander looked at her like she had grown a second head.

Buffy swallowed and blinked against the moisture rising up in her eyes. “They’re for Mom. She… they‘re for mom.” She whispered before she left the room without looking at either of them.

TBC


Chapter End Notes:
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