Chapter One
“Oh, Spikey!”
Spike groaned, glaring in the direction of the door, wishing he’d remembered to lock it.
“Spikey! Guess who’s here to make you feel all better?”
Her voice was like nails on a chalkboard as she pushed open the door. Spike closed his eyes in defeat and hoped that she didn’t plan on staying long.
Harmony, dressed head-to-toe in pink, blonde hair perfectly coiffed and make-up immaculate – and how did she do that so well anyway, without a reflection? – appeared in the doorway of his apartment, wide grin on her face.
Her nails were sparkly and pink, and she had a leather bag – pink, of course – clutched under one arm.
“What d’you want?” Spike asked. He could probably stand to be a bit nicer to the bint, but he was already in a foul enough mood – what with having had his hands cut off and all – and he’d much rather be drowning his sorrows in copious amounts of alcohol than listening to Harm prattle on. Not that he would have been able to open the bottles anyway, with his hands still trussed up like a Christmas turkey.
“I brought you a present to cheer you up,” Harmony said, closing the door behind her and setting her bag on the kitchen table.
“Beer?” Spike asked hopefully.
“No, silly! I brought you…” she paused for dramatic effect, and opened her bag, pulling out a laptop. “This!”
“What do I want with a bloody pink laptop?”
“Oh, you’ll just love what I have to show you!”
Spike wasn’t so sure he would.
***
Spike was stunned speechless and that didn’t happen very often. He stared at the screen, then switched his gaze back to Harmony, who looked very pleased with herself.
“Didn’t I tell you?” She gushed, “Aww! You’re so happy you can’t speak!”
“Harm,” Spike began, voice low and dangerous. “This is not a happy face. This is an ‘I’m going to kill that bloody boy’ face.”
“You don’t like it?” Harmony pouted. “But you’re like… famous! Isn’t that so cool?”
“No! No it’s not bloody ‘cool’! Hell, there are teenage girls on there saying they want to have my babies, for Christ’s sake!”
“Well that’s just stupid,” Harmony frowned. “Everyone knows vampires can’t have children.”
“Missing the point, Harm,” Spike rolled his eyes and tried very hard not to smash the computer into smithereens.
“You could like, become a major star now, Spike. I bet Lorne would hook you up,” Harmony took out a cell phone – pink, of course – and started to dial. “I’ll just call him now, he’ll get you an agent by the end of the day. Ooh, I know! Let’s do a reality TV show together! We could get the cameras to follow us around doing good deeds. It could be called the Blondie Bear Show. Oh my god! I’m so a genius! I’ll be just like Paris Hilton!”
“What, vapid and brain dead?” Spike muttered, then jumped up and began to pace up and down the living room.
“Harm, put the phone away an’ get back to Wolfram and Hart. I want to be on the next flight to wherever that little twerp lives. It’s about time he learned the truth about a vampire’s predatory habits.”
“Ooh, I liked that video!” Harmony said.
Spike sighed. “Whatever. Just get me on a plane. Now.”
“Fine. And whilst I’m there I’ll get Lorne to start planning our new TV show. Oh, I’m so excited! Bye!”
When she’d gone, Spike sank down onto the sofa, staring at the image of himself on the screen of the laptop that Harmony had left behind.
Bloody hell.
***
Harmony hadn’t been able to convince Angel to let him use one of Wolfram and Hart’s private jets – he apparently wasn’t important enough – but she had got him onto the night flight from LA to Heathrow.
Angel had been ‘like, sooo happy’ to cover the cost of the flight, glad to see the back of Spike for a few days.
As he boarded the plane, flashing a smile at the young air hostess and making her blush, he wondered just what – or who – he would find when he landed in London.
Harmony had procured Andrew’s address, a flat in an upscale area of London, and Spike knew for a fact that the new Watcher’s Council had set up base nearby, and that the boy now worked for them.
He’d rather not run into Giles, but if he did it wouldn’t be the end of the world – he was sure the old man would be more than happy to keep his return a secret from Buffy.
He sighed. Angel had said Buffy was in Rome, which was far enough away from London for him not to worry. But it was London… new Slayer-central, and where at least two of her friends now lived.
No. He wouldn’t see her there. He didn’t want to see her. Not at all.
He sighed. Who was he kidding? ‘Course he wanted to see her. And he had better stop this train of thought before he forgot all the reasons why he’d stayed away and got on a plane to Rome instead.
The air hostess soon began her demonstration in a high, nasally voice. It was going to be a long flight.
***
Spike tried to get some sleep, but it was difficult – his arms had started aching again.
Not to mention the fact that the woman in the seat next to him had woken up and kept shooting him surreptitious glances over the top of her Harlequin when she thought he wasn’t looking.
He shifted in his seat, uncomfortable with the scrutiny, and gazed past her and out the window. He’d never flown before, and was a little nervous over how thin the glass in the window looked. Seemed as though one good blow would knock it right out, and then where would he be? Well, likely still unliving, ‘cos he didn’t need to breathe – but still – it was the principle.
The woman sitting next to him had given up the pretence of reading and was now staring openly at him, eyes wide.
She looked like your everyday, average woman, if a bit fussy for a long flight – eyes made up, lips painted a vivid red, hair that had probably been neat and tidy before getting on the plane. She was an all-right looking bird, but her staring was making him uneasy.
Spike tilted his head and raised his eyebrow at her, and she blushed, eyes darting quickly away before looking back.
“Sorry,” she said, “but it’s just – you look a lot like this guy, er… on the Internet.”
Spike groaned. If he hadn’t already been planning to string Andrew up by the seat of his Han Solo boxers…
“Yeah, yeah, that’s me,” Spike said, tone bored, but he figured that it was only polite to answer. “I’m Spike, vampire with a soul and all that rot.”
“Wow,” she breathed. “I’m Lynn. I’ve seen all your videos. So you’re like, really a vampire?”
Spike nodded.
“So, no heartbeat?” She reached over and put her hand to his chest. “Wow! Muscley!”
Spike glanced at the onboard clock, saw there were still five hours of the flight to go, and whimpered.
***
The flight had been as long and as dire as he’d expected, though not for the reasons he’d thought it would be.
Lynn had spent most of the time telling him about how she loved all the videos, and did he know she was his number one commenter on YouTube? And hey, perhaps he’d like to do an interview for her fansite?
Spike worried that she would try and follow him out into London, but thankfully he was able to lose her in the baggage claim at the airport. It was about an hour before dawn, so he needed to find somewhere to crash for the day and then tonight…
Tonight, he’d go nerd-hunting.
***
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Author's Chapter Notes:
I hadn't planned to write a sequel for this, but then a lot of people asked for one... and I got some ideas, so here it is. Many thanks to PaganBaby for beta reading, and thanks to CallMeKitten for coming up with the title!
Chapter End Notes:
Thanks for reading, please review and let me know what you thought :)