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Author's Chapter Notes:
Takes place in Season 5 not long after the events of 'Intervention'. Completely AU after that episode. Written mainly from Spike's POV, there may be chapter here and there without him but I am not sure yet. Will be angsty. Spike/Buffy. Spike/Other.
"First thing I remember was askin' papa, why?

For there were many things I didn't know.

And daddy always smiled; took me by the hand,

Sayin', someday you'll understand.

Well, I'm here to tell you now each and every mother's son

You better learn it fast; you better learn it young,

cause, someday never comes.

Well, time and tears went by and I collected dust,

For there were many things I didn't know.

When daddy went away, he said, try to be a man,

And, someday you'll understand."

- Creedence Clearwater Revival, "Someday Never Comes"



When she kissed me for the first time I realized that I'd never felt so bleeding alive in my whole sorry existence.



You think I don't know what it does to my image? Me, Spike, spouting poofy clichés over some bird who barely even gave me the time of day, who stooped to kissing me once, who made a career out of killing my kind? Yeah, I'm a sick bastard and don't think I don't know it. Lo, and behold, the stinking ruin that little chit left of the Big Bad. Step right up and see her handiwork for yourself.



Would've been kinder if she'd killed me.



I tried explaining that to her once, back when my Dark Princess left and everything in my life went straight to piss. She never got it. Stupid bint barely even listened to me, too busy making cow eyes at Peaches and taunting me to pay me any serious mind. Drove me crazy she did, even back then when all I wanted was to drain her dry and present her to my Dark Plum like an exotic sweetmeat. It would have been glorious. It was always meant to come down to that one final dance between us and what a partner she made, all flashing eyes and perky tits and soft golden skin just begging me to rip my teeth into it and take her.



Never even got close.



Where do you think you're going? Bored already are you? Don't worry, mate, I haven't got you here just so you can listen to me cry about the Slayer. It's not a story about the girl that I'm going to tell you. It's just that she's important. You have to understand the way I felt about her to understand everything that brought me to this point. For better or worse she changed me, took my insides and raked them over hot coals. She made me want to be more than "William the Bloody"; made me want to be a man. Problem with that was that even before I turned I wasn't much of a man to speak of. Bet you never knew that did you? It's one fact that's still kept out of the history books, only one I ever told was her and she heard it all only half appreciating the words I was saying. Doesn't make any difference now, she won't be telling any one else. That's one secret she'll take to the grave.



Like I said, I won't be telling some poor man's "The Ballad of Spike & Buffy". It's important that you remember that. I'm not Captain Forehead and there was never any star-crossed foolishness between us. Yeah, I loved her but she never had the time to let me get near enough to make any room in her heart for me. It would have been worth it too, the chip and the Initiative and Dru and the Scoobies would have been nothing compared to how good we could have been together. Now that would have been something effulgent.



It would've been a love to make the poet's weep. And I should know, I spent enough time fancying myself one before Dru turned me and Angelus knocked some sense and cynicism into me. Impossible to completely change a man though, behind whatever new being he's fancying himself at the moment there will always be a shade of the person he was before that. It's the only thing I can think of to explain what happened to me. Over a hundred years of striking terror into the hearts of innocents and when it comes down to it I'm still the same idiot falling head over heels for a girl who thinks she's too good to even look at me.



Love's bitch.



But back to what I was saying before about that kiss. It was the kissed that changed everything, brought it home to me just how gone I really was. She was right before, about me not really knowing what I was going on about the whole time. I was too wrapped up in the immediateness of the whole thing, letting myself get so consumed by passion that I forgot what I'd known when I was still just William. Well that kiss made me remember. It wasn't the only one she gave me but in many ways it was the most important one. I'm not fool enough to think that any others counted for much. Not compared to the first.



It was the briefest of things, barely a proper peck. And I know she was thinking that all she was doing was showing me a bit of gratitude for enduring bloody painful torture for her and the Bit. I could read her intentions as plainly as if she'd spoken them. It was supposed to be the kind of kiss she'd give the Whelp. For all its briefness though I felt as if I'd walked straight into the sun the moment she did it. Hurt worse that whatever Glory had done. Tore my heart straight out of my chest. Would've been unbearable if she hadn't lingered for just a moment, parted her mouth and let me taste her. Her heart was going a mile a minute and her skin was so warm it nearly burned me. And that's when I knew that she felt it too. Just like that I had a fool's hope. A fool's weakness, too.



If not, I would've caught on quicker, been harder to trap. I wouldn't have ended up letting her down when it counted most. But it was clever; never even saw it from a mile away. It was a gamble that risked and cost me everything. Cost you, as well. How does it feel knowing that all that bloody brilliant meddling was wasted, but took its pound of flesh off as cleanly as if it had worked?



So, it was this kiss from that girl which set the whole sorry tale in motion.



Not a love story, no.



This is a story about me. And when you're telling a story about demons, mate, there's rarely a happy ending in sight.






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