Spike watched from the shadows as Buffy and Angel’s tongues did the tango, his heart breaking into a million pieces. He stepped out of the shadows and leaned against the pillar, watching them kiss. After everything they had shared the night before, after everything he had said to her, and she turned around and went running to the arms of her love. All Angel had to do was says jump and Buffy did. It never failed.
After he had left the Summers’ house he had gone back to the vineyard and had caught the preacher leaving. He didn’t expect to follow the man to the cemetery, and certainly didn’t expect to find Buffy there. But, she didn’t need his help. She had Angel. The two of them were so caught up in each other they didn’t notice Spike watching.
Buffy gently pulled away from her first love. “Um… we can’t do this,” she said, backing away, wiping her lips. Spike knew that look. She used on him many times, one of guilt. However, he was thrown a little bit by the turn of events. She didn’t usually pull away. Not from Angel.
Angel looked confused. “You okay?” He asked, reaching for her. Spike smirked seeing the look of hurt cross Angel’s face. Broody Boy wasn’t expecting that now was he? Always used to getting his way with Buffy, making her swoon at the first sight of him.
Buffy took a small step back, avoiding his hands. “I’m…” She noticed Spike leaning against the pillar. “Spike…” Busted. She knew she’d been caught. And Spike couldn’t wait for the slew of excuses that he knew were going to come flying out of her mouth this time. She couldn’t deny it. She couldn’t deny what happened last night either, but Spike was sure she would be ready, and he would be done.
Last night had been different. He had never poured himself out like to her, and had never been able to offer her real comfort. Last night had been special, he had felt like they had gone leaps and bounds together to become closer. When everyone had abandoned her, kicked her out of her own house, he had come to her. He always would. He had taken her side like he always did.
Angel turned around. “Spike,” he growled. Broody Boy was so focused on finding out what Buffy had for lunch, which was probably nothing; that his vampire senses hadn’t picked up on Spike, or he had chosen to ignore them. But Buffy had that effect on everyone. Spike had a hard time focusing when she was around too.
Spike didn’t even respond to Angel but kept his eyes focused on Buffy. This was it. Her eyes were as wide as saucers, and he could see the wheels turning in her mind, trying to find a way to excuse what he had just witnessed. If she even bothered. He was ready to get thrown under the bus. Ready to walk away from her.
Buffy took a step toward Spike. “Spike, its not what it looks like,” she defended.
Spike shook his head, holding his tears at bay. “You know Buffy, it’s exactly what it looks like,” he said. He was not going to cry in front of Angel. He’d be damned if he did that again. He wasn’t going to give Angel the satisfaction of seeing Buffy crush his already fragile heart into a million pieces once more. “I should have known that things would never be different with you.”
“Spike, that’s not true,” she whispered, taking another step toward him.
“You know, Slayer, I’ve about had it with your games,” Spike seethed. “I’m finished.” Forgetting the whole speech he had wanted to give her, he turned on his heel and left. He wanted to embarrass her in front of her honey, make her feel as low as he did, but it was just easier to run away. Just like she always did. Just like she did last night. Making him wake up alone, like always. Despite the letter she left, that he kept in his coat, letting him know it wasn’t like before.
Her letter said that he had given her strength to go investigate what he had found, and not give up hope. He had made him self sick with worry over her, not knowing what was going on with her. He wanted to be by her side, keeping her safe. And she had gone alone.
Spike came in the back door and leaned against it, trying to calm his nerves. He should have gone right to the basement, to avoid any teenage girls. Unfourtanetly the one that found him was one he didn’t want to see at the moment. Wonderful. The younger Summers’. One thing that could easily scare anyone more then the slayer was her little sister.
Dawn sat at the counter and greeted him. “Spike” He looked up at her with pain filled eyes. “You okay?” He was as little surprised that she cared, since the last thing she said to him was she’d set him on fire if hurt her sister, which he didn’t think he had done. And Dawn would hold true to her word, so since he hadn’t been turned into a pile of ash yet, he assumed he was doing pretty well. Atoning for his sins to the girls.
“Yeah, I’m fine,” he said. His gaze stayed glued to the floor, avoiding her gaze, not wanting to get into it with her. He just wanted to go downstairs and work off some of his aggression. He should have done some patrolling before he went home. And before Dawn could ask him again the front door and Buffy’s voice came through the house. “Spike.” Shit. He tried to push past Dawn to the basement, but he was too late.
Angel stood behind Buffy as she came into the kitchen looking back and forth between the two blondes. “Buffy, what’s going on?” Poor Angel. If only he knew the heart ache his little blonde slayer reaked on others lives. He was used to causing the heart ache to her, not witnessing it on her part. Angel had no idea what Buffy was capable of.
Buffy put the scythe on the counter and looked at Spike. “Can we please talk?” She asked, desperately. “It was an accident.”
“You fell and his lips caught you,” Spike muttered sarcastically. He put his hand on the doorknob, ready to flee the scene. “I’m not playing these games with you anymore Buffy.” He quickly slipped out the back door and away from her, where he could think clearly, and figure out how he was going to deal with this.
The door slammed behind him and Buffy started screaming at him. “You stupid, dopey vampire. Would you just listen to me please?” She cried. Always wanting to get her way. Wanting a chance to explain herself, make herself feel better for what she did. But he was never allowed to do that. Every time he messed up, which more often then not, was never, she wanted to play kick the Spike, he couldn’t explain himself. So why should he listen to her now? His heart however, was telling him to just ignore it. That things were really different this time, and he wanted so badly to believe that, but he just couldn’t. Not anymore.
So he turned to look at her with blazing eyes, trying to hide the hurt that he felt. “Why? So you can reject me again? No thanks, Buffy. We did this already. I thought things were different, now. I thought last night meant something to you, but I was a jerk to believe that,” he spat. “You used me to forget what happened. Just used me for cold comfort once again. I cant believe you, Buffy. How could you do that to me again Buffy? Why? How much longer are you going to hurt me?”
Buffy frowned and sniffled. “Spike,” she whispered. “It wasn’t like that at all. You have to believe me. It was an accident.” She went toward him and reached out to grab his hands, and he was amazed at himself that he let her. “I’m so, so, sorry. I didn’t realize what was happening. And when I did, I pushed him away. Things are different, and last night meant more to me then you’ll ever know.”
Spike sighed. “Buffy, we’ve already done this,” he said, finding the strength to pull his hands away from hers. “I can’t keep giving myself to you only to have you push me away. Last year, I wouldn’t have said anything, but I’m not the same person anymore. I really don’t care if you hate me, ‘cause at least it’s better then what happened last year,” he explained, tears sliding out of the sides of his eyes. “I won’t let you use me again. I won’t allow you to drive me mad again. I’ve already done that. I’m not gong back to who I was. Not for you or anyone.” He noticed Angel standing on the back porch, arms folded.
“Spike, just stop and listen to me for a second,” Buffy pleaded, softly. “Please, just let me explain.”
“Buffy, I really don’t wanna hear you tell me you don’t love me or that last night was a mistake,” he whispered. His voice was already choking and he wasn’t sure he could hold his composure for much longer. “Or more importantly, I don’t wanna hear you tell me that I’m not good enough for you because I’m not Peaches. I already know I’m not Angel. I didn’t leave you. I didn’t abandon you. I know I hurt you in the worst possible way but I didn’t run from it. I came back. I wanted to see you one last time because I thought you would kill me.
“I thought we fixed it. Well sort of. But I thought things were different between us but you still want me to be Angel. And I’m sorry but I can’t be what you want,” he said, wiping his wet face and forcing himself not to react to her own tears.
Buffy sniffled and went over to him. She pulled his head down to hers, but just made him rest his forehead on hers. “I am sorry, and I wasn’t gonna tell you any of that stuff. I was gonna tell you that you are one of the best men on the planet. Not a lot of people come close to the kind of man you are. No one knows me as well as you do and no one can take care of me like you can. No one has done anything like what you did and certainly not for me. Last night was one of the best nights in my life and I’m not gonna throw away what we have. It was an accident,” she whispered, looking into his eyes. “Please believe me. I didn’t… I shouldn’t have kissed him. But I never wanted to hurt you.”
Spike frowned and paused for a moment before putting his arms around her. “You know I love you. I’ll never stop. But you can’t keep pushing me away and pulling me back. You want things to be okay, then be honest with me,” he pleaded, softly. “Don’t keep doing this to me. I can’t take it anymore. I love you so much and I want to be with you more then anything, but I’m not going to let you hurt me again. I can’t take it again.”
She nodded. “I’m just scared,” she confessed.
“Of what?” he asked. That wasn’t something he was expecting to hear, but he was happy with any kind of honesty that she had to offer him. Anything that would help them move past this.
“Of losing you. Lost you twice and let you go once. It’s too much for me. I didn’t want you to leave me, that’s why I didn’t let you in. Didn’t help, you still wormed you way into my heart, and I want you to stay there,” she said, kissing him softly. “I want you with me Spike. I really do. I want it to work this time. I swear to you, its not like before.”
Spike was surprised when she kissed him, but he pulled her closer to him. He licked her lips seeking entrance, and tentatively his tongue met hers. Her arms were locked around his neck and he felt her pour everything into her kiss. She reluctantly pulled away to breathe but leaned in his embrace and she panted heavily. “Wow,” he said, leaning his forehead against hers. “Not often a woman takes my breath away.”
“You don’t need to breathe,” she teased. “But thanks for the compliment.” She kissed his chin gently before nuzzling him. It was so new to both of them, but there were no complaints. Except for one.
“That was quite lovely,” Angel said, from the porch. “What in God’s name is going on?”
Buffy gave Spike an apologetic look as she turned to look at her ex love. “This really isn’t any of your business,” she told him in a harsh voice. “Why did you come here?”
“Buffy, you have totally lost your mind?” Angel cried out, heading down the steps towards her.
“He’s not the same guy you knew. He’s more then a friend to me,” Buffy said, softly. “And again, its none of your business. So I ask you, why did you come here? Because pending apocalypse, kinda got the memo already.”
Spike really didn’t want to stay and listen to anymore of this, but Buffy reached out to grab his hand and keep him close to her. She was serious about what she said and she was taking the first big step by standing up to Angel. She was proving to him that she wasn’t a little girl anymore and she was more then capable of making her own choices and righting her mistakes.
Angel seemed frozen in time, unable to comprehend what was happening. “I brought some information that might help,” he said, rubbing his face. “But I’ll just leave it on the counter and be on my way.” With a final look, he headed back into the house, leaving the two blondes alone in the backyard.
Buffy’s shoulders sagged and she looked up at Spike. “We good?” She asked, in a small voice.
Spike shrugged. “I don’t know Buffy,” he said, softly. “But I’m willing to work on it with you.”
