Eighty years. Seventy-nine years, three hundred and sixty-four days and eighteen hours, to be more precise. This translates to 29, 220 sunrises and sunsets. One hundred years to the day that the world was blessed with the most passionate, majestic woman that has ever drawn breath. Nevertheless, I’m not obsessed. Despite what Nibblet says. Nibblet. Dawnie. Dawn.
Nibblet is the other love of my undead life. Dawn’s love and soothing words kept me from greeting the sun so long ago. I strongly believed and still do, that despite the believed ending of Dawn’s mystical ‘key’ status, she still maintained a connection with other worldly entities, most importantly to her. During my hardest times, Dawn would replicate those passionate words that she imparted upon her, before the ultimate sacrifice. These words would continuously bloom in my mind during the most trying moments, when the sun’s deadly rays beckoned my audience.
You have to take care of them now.
You have to take care of each other.
You have to be strong.
the hardest thing in this world ... is to live in it.
Be brave. Live.
For me.
When she died, the outside world continued. The world and all those in it remained unaware of her ultimate sacrifice, unaware of all those she saved and left behind. Even though the world and time continued, my life came to a bitter end. I no longer lived every day to the fullest, but I merely subsist. Each day bled into one another. Only the prospect that one-day, my immortality would be no more, made every other moment tolerable.
I remained the same; same black leather trench, same black on black with black attire. The only difference was the waist length plait of light brown hair, which traveled down the length of my spine. Once she passed, I never resumed my renown, short bleached locks. Only the shocking white tips of my hair signified my past life. Due to steady diet of the butcher’s special, my hair grew slowly. It’s decelerating progress symbolized the years that ticked by.
Only Dawn was my tether that kept me grounded in my world of despair. Despite how all the others that proclaimed their allegiance to my love the Watcher, whelp, Red, and all the others, drifted away like the sands of time.
Even though Dawn continued to live her own life, I always remained close to her heart. When she left for college, we remained closely linked, despite where her studies brought her. Dawn remained in California, never traveling too far from her once home, Sunnydale.
I was filled with brotherly pride when Dawn received her PhD in Mythological Studies from Pacifica Graduate Institute in Santa Barbara. Once her thesis on Vampires: The Intertwinement of Mythology and Legitimacy, clinched not only her degree, but also a position on staff in the fall of 2015, we were both thrilled.
Dawn’s life progressed from there; marriage, children, all that I never experienced, neither in my life nor unlife. Time had moved in different continuums; there was my world that ticked slowly by and the outside world that moved in leaps in bounds. Seventy-nine years have passed since my beloved has left this mortal world.
Dawn has departed from this life now. She was surrounded by all her love ones, when she decided that her time on this earth had ended. Her children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren a like, circled her bed bound form. The years had filled her face with lines of time, but the sparking youth from her baby blues never changed.
I received a call from her only remaining child, Elizabeth, whom was the eldest of her four children. She informed me of her mother’s request that I be present for her departure. When I entered the room among all her love ones, I felt a sense of peace. A small sense of belonging that I have never felt, nor will I feel ever again.
As the dozen hues of blues and greens studied this stranger among them, they never questioned their mother’s/grandmother’s request for my attendance. I approached her failing body, the pungent smell of her death filled my nose, but my smile never faltered. Her tepid, wrinkled, weakened hand clasped my eternally preserved, powerful one, as I solemnly brought her frail hand to my mouth for a final goodbye kiss. Her blues studied my unchanged features. She whispered her final words to me.
“Don’t worry, I’ll tell her that you still and always have loved her.”
With those final words, her last breath left her body. The room was filled with silent sobs heralding her departure. My own salty rivers of emotions flowed freely. My emotions were conflicted. I felt anguish, for my loss of the only other woman that I have ever loved. On the other hand, I felt utter relief that the only reason that bound me to this world, has gone.
Dawn’s passing was slightly more than two months ago; more specifically forty-nine days, or 1,176 hours or 70,560 minutes. Nevertheless, again, I’m not obsessed.
Almost seventy years ago, I procured the home at 1630 Revello Drive. Following the current owner ‘needing’ to leave, due to unforeseen complications with the neighborhood. Despite my proclamation that I was not part of this new world, without her, I still had some old Spike left in me yet.
This was my secret place, nobody, including Dawn knew of. Their home had changed slightly from when she passed. New wallpaper, some new plantings in the yard otherwise, this was the home I remembered. The home that Joyce had created for her two girls, filled with love and safety, despite the war that raged outside its doors.
All the rooms remain barren, all but her room. I purchased furniture that mimicked hers, which were all now gone. With some strategically placed nicked items of clothing, the room held her scent, at least for a little while. Many years ago, her essence vanished. All that are left were imposter furnishings, which besides fooling my eyesight, are completely wrong. All my senses tell me so. Here, among her four walls, I write my parting thoughts down.
I haven’t brought ink to parchment since before my first death. Now as I write my feelings and thoughts upon this paper, a sense of overwhelming elation and enthusiasm fills me. Even though Dawn has passed many weeks ago, I held firm not to walk into the sun the following day. I wanted my last moment on this earth to be a special day. I specifically chose that time, which is now.
Tonight is my last night upon this earth. When the sun peaks its rays over the horizon, I will greet them with open arms. A little over two hundred years since I became immortal, I will welcome my demise with sheer and utter delight.
As I look back, in those two hundred years, I had only truly lived, less than two. Two precious years that I spent in her presence, the blinding light of her pure quintessence burned me to the core and made me desire to cleanse away my demon’s nature to commit death and destruction. She made me aspire to be a better man, no longer a monster that was created long ago.
I longed and dreamed that I would see her again one day. Those visions filled my sleep. However, when I awoke, reality made itself known again. My sins sealed my fate long ago.
Once the beams of the sun reach the earth, I will be finished. No longer will I haunt this plane of existence. Will trade my own personal hell for another. Even with the knowledge that another hell awaits me, I will greet Satan with a two-finger British salute, as he drags my essence to my own special corner of Hades that he had furbished just for me.
My mind wanders while my pen scrawls across the page. All my feelings for this fiery woman, which I have loved with every fiber of my being, began to fill the sheet. She was the only woman that, with her mere presence, has changed my entire life. All that came before her was a shell of what has transpired since.
Finally, with the dawn of this new day, her birthday, I will greet my death. No longer will I cheat hell from my presence. I do not fear my final passing. Nor do I fear what my afterlife may be. Writing these declarations of my heart, are hopes that in some way, some how, she will hear my vow of eternal love and devotion.
My Dearest Buffy,
I'm not asking you for anything. When I say, I love you, it's not because I want you, or because I can't have you. It has nothing to do with me. I love what you are, what you’ve done, how you tried. I've seen your kindness and your strength. I've seen the best and the worst of you. And I understand with perfect clarity exactly what you are. You're the one. You’re an angel within my hell. You're the light in my permanent darkness. The only substance, that truly feeds my body when I hunger. My love for you transcends all time and space. I will forever be yours.
My Deepest Endearing Love and Devotion,
William
Once the ink dried on my love filled words, the paper was folded, filled and sealed in the envelope, which I then carefully placed in the inner pocket of my duster. As these words lie close to my unbeating heart, I look once more upon the staged room. Finally, collecting my meager possessions, I head to my destination, her grave.
My usual slow and steady gait becomes a quick clip, making my way to my beloved. This is the only place that I feel the closest to her. I am fully aware that below the ground only houses the shell of her once life-filled body, but regardless, it still gives me comfort.
The unmistakable smell of the impending dawn fills me, once I enter the cemetery. Sheer anticipation jump starts my motionless heart, which is now aflutter in my chest. Relief washes over me. In my hand, I grasp a dozen blood red roses. Knowing that it may appear cliché, but what does one give to another that is in heaven? Approaching her grave with almost unconstrained exhilaration, I gently place the bouquet upon the stone. My words spill from my slightly quivering lips.
“Happy Birthday sweetheart. A century huh? Don’t fret, in my mind you are not a day over twenty. You are the epitome of poetry in motion. Waves of glorious golden tresses falling over your shoulders, stunning full bee-stung lips surrounding your enlightening smile. Power, strength and love fill your mesmerizing green eyes. I am so fortunate that you are allowing me to share in your special day. I hope that I don’t anger you for scattering my dust upon your sacred grave. I just couldn’t fathom any other place where I would want to be.”
The sun prickles over the horizon. My senses and demon are screaming and clawing at my mind to flee, seek shelter, but I hold firm.
“Sweetheart, my time is here. I just want to tell you that I have loved you all of my days, well, the only days that have mattered. I can only hope that once the sun takes my body and dispels it to the wind, that my love remains here.”
The sun’s rays reach the ground and start to inch across the frozen earth. Placing my hand upon the cold marble, I whisper my love and goodbyes. Turning to face the once feared sun's beams. At first, it warms my skin. This will be the first time and last time the sun kissed my alabaster flesh in two hundred years. Soon, smoke fills my vision, my skin burns. Only laughter falls from my lips while the fire consumes me. Within moments, I am no longer there. The last word that leaves my mouth as I disintegrate upon the wind is… ”Buffy”
My essence is weightless in the darkness. I don’t know where I, or what is left of me, is headed, but I don’t care. I had made peace with my destination long ago. As the abyss consumes me, my mind blanks, and I no longer exist.
A bright light fills my consciousness, making the blackness disappear. I feel weightless, unburdened by my demon, by my sins, or by my once earthly form. I then feel my essence take shape in this new location. Silently awaiting the flames of hell to singe my ghost-like structure, but it never comes. Then the sweetest sound that I had ever heard fills my mind.
“I thought you would never get here.”
I turn, what could be called my body, eyes squinting at the brilliant light that spills forward. After several moments, I see a heavenly form take shape.
My eyes drink in the majestic sight. A petite figure adorned in pristine colorless gossamer, while glorious golden tresses, spills over slim shoulders. Imperfect, yet perfect, nose crinkles from a breathtaking smile framed by full, rose-hued colored lips. The final feature that holds me utterly speechless is her huge expressive golden speckled green eyes, filled with utter love. Before me was heaven itself…Buffy
I shift my incorporeal form looking around me, for whom she is here to greet. A sweet tinkle of laughter fills my ears, as she witnesses my movements.
“Silly, silly man! I’m here for you, no one else.”
Stunned momentarily, I finally find my voice, croaking out a response.
“Me?”
“Yes, you. Who else would the Powers That Be bless with redemption?”
“Me?”
“Spike, is ‘me’ going to be the only word that you’re going to mutter for eternity? If so, I think that our lives are going to get stale pretty quick.”
Before another meaningless word tumbles forward from my slack lips, her sweet lips were upon mine. I feel warmth consume me, totally.
Our essences combine, all her thoughts and feelings for me and mine for her, flow like a soft whispering wind throughout one another minds. Declarations of eternal love flow back and forth, until all that fill our thoughts are utter devotion. When our lips part, my astonished gaze meets hers. No further words need to be spoken. She slips her petite hand into mine, we walk slowly towards our eternity.
Author's Chapter Notes:
This story happens at the end of Season 5. Buffy was never resurrected by Willow. I hope everyone enjoys.
Chapter End Notes:
This story is dedicated to my grandfather that has very recently passed. His devotion to my grandmother, who had passed almost thirty years ago to the day of his, was unsurpassed. A love and devotion that is only seen in love stories and told in fairytales. This story is for him and his own Elizabeth.