I looked at my sister, but as soon as I opened my mouth to say, I don't know what, something sisterly and brave, she stopped me.
"Don't," she said. Her voice quavered just a little. "Anything you say will just sound like goodbye."
I nodded numbly and turned away from her. In the seconds it took me to move, I was thrust back to last night, early this morning, whenever it was, to the moment when Spike said those same words to me.
I walk down the basement stairs and see him sitting on his cot, his arm resting on one drawn-up knee, the amulet dangling from his hands. He's staring at it with a look of awe and dread, and I just want to take it away from him, tell him we're giving it to Faith or Robin, or one of the potentials, anyone who's not him. Because I have a feeling about what that amulet might do to him, and I can tell he has the same feeling. Then I think about his eyes when I called him a champion, and I know I can't take it back.
He stands when he sees me, drops his glittery accessory, and moves across the basement to meet me. "Spike," I say, but that's all the further I get.
"Don't, Buffy," he whispers. His fingers ghost across my lips. "Anythin' you say'll jus' sound like goodbye."
I nod, grateful to him for giving me this out. I never was very good with words, and I know if I try to explain myself, try to put into words what's going on in my head, I'll just screw things up between us. The past few days have been, despite the pain and stress and worry, some of the most peaceful I've known since I was Chosen. I don't want to mess that up now, not when we only have a few hours left. So I let the words remain unsaid. I tell myself that we'll talk later, when this is all over.
I almost believe it, too.
I walked away from Dawn without a backward glance, walked down the vandalized halls of Sunnydale High with my two oldest friends. Willow was the first one to separate from the group, then Xander left on his mission - protect Dawn or face the wrath of Buffy - and I was by myself.
Spike and Faith and the potentials were waiting for me at the seal. I couldn't look any of them in the eye, this little army of mine built out of pure desperation and running on hope. Then the seal opened, that ghastly light poured out, and in we went.
I felt it when Willow's spell worked, knew it long before Kennedy came racing down the stairs and tossed the scythe to me. I could feel the girls with me change in that instant from potential slayers to actual slayers. I could feel girls all over the world make that change. For a split second I let myself feel sorry for them, for all of them, because they didn't have any more choice than I had been given. Then it was back into the heat of the battle.
"Buffy!" Spike's voice rang out over the noise of the fight, accompanied by a searing flash of light. The Turok Han in the light's path exploded into dust and a great tremor shook the cavern. I turned to see him pinned against the rock wall, sunlight pouring down and over and through him.
He was beautiful.
Faith gathered the potentials, herded them up the stairs, while I made my way to Spike. He held his hand out to stop me - not that I knew what I was going to do to help him - but he didn't want to be stopped. I could see that. I wrapped my fingers around his and watched as flames burst from our linked hands.
This was exactly why I wanted to talk to him last night, because I knew - as we had both known all along - that Spike would not be walking away from this fight. I didn't have the time, with the ground shaking beneath our feet and Spike trying to get me out of there, to tell him what I felt. So I said the one thing I knew he would want to hear.
"I love you." He was right. It sounded like goodbye.
He looked at me for a beat. Then,"No, you don't. But thanks for saying it."
I kind of wanted to punch him in the nose. Because he was right, of course. I didn't love him. The past couple days had made me think that, once I wasn't trying to save the world, maybe I'd be able to get there. But I wasn't there right now, and, infuriating man that he was, he could see right through my words to the truth.
Then another tremor shook the cavern, and my hand was yanked out of his grasp. "Time to go, lamb," he said gently. "Think it's safe to say school's out for bloody summer."
I ran then, because that was what he wanted me to do. I could see it in his blue eyes. Maybe I could have yanked the amulet off and forced him to come with me, but he was determined to do this thing, and I knew he was doing it for me. Because I'd believed in him, because I'd chosen him as my champion, because I had never told him I forgave him for everything, because I had never asked him to forgive me. This was something he wanted to give me, and I'd be an idiot to shove it back in his face.
So I ran, up and up and up until I burst out into the sunshine, the ridiculously clear blue sky beating down on me. I raced across the rooftops as the buildings crumbled under my feet, ran to catch up with the bus full of the survivors. Relief swept through me when I saw Dawn's face, her long fingers starfished on the window as her desperate eyes looked for me. I landed on the roof of the bus and didn't look back once.
A/N I'm adding this here for length requirements.
This is something that's kind of been bubbling around my brain since I first saw "Chosen." The look on Buffy's face when Dawn tells her not to say anything always got me... and then I've never quite been able to decide if Buffy was telling Spike the truth or not. Most days I land on 'not.' So... here's my little drabble. Hope you liked it.
Author's Chapter Notes:
Disclaimer: The characters from Buffy the Vampire Slayer are owned by Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, and Fox studios. This story is not meant to infringe upon anyone's rights, only to entertain.