Author's Chapter Notes:
first of all thank you to my beta reader monika! Thank you so much darling :)
This is my first fanfic, so I would appreciate any kind of review!
“I hate you, Slayer. You're the biggest bitch ever lived.” Spike said, kneeling on the ground and looking helplessly as tears started forming in the corners of his eyes. He swallowed. This time, he was determined not to cry.
He continued his soliloquy without caring if anyone might see him that miserable. “I always hated you, but this is even worse. You did the only thing that would make me hate you more. You died, you stupid bint,” he said, still struggling with his tears. “You abandoned me. You abandoned all of us.”
“Oh, bugger this!” He could feel the salty taste of tears on his lips as he spoke; it seemed like his tears never stopped streaming down his cheeks. Every time he came here, he swore to himself he wouldn’t be a ninny and humiliate himself. But he failed every single, bloody time. It had already been a month, and every night he’d patrol, and every bloody night he’d end up here.
By her gravestone.
Every single night he would talk to her, sometimes hurt, sometimes sad, sometimes particularly angry. He couldn’t help the fact that he wanted to keep her updated about everything, the Niblet, the Scoobies, Sunny D. This evening conversations were the only thing that kept him from witnessing his last sunrise. That, and his promise to protect Dawn.
He had thought that this feeling of emptiness would stop eventually, but it hadn’t. It was enough to hear her name to feel a pang in his chest. It was enough to close his eyes to see her falling all over again, to see her broken body. And he always felt like someone was staking him.
“We’re all kinda doing fine. Red is one helluva witch, ya know? Today the little Bit spent the whole day at my crypt. Oh, don’t worry! I’ve been a great poofter with her, we watched the telly and drank hot chocolate.”
“Bloody Hell, Summers, we miss you!” he suddenly blurted out. “ I miss you. I miss you every single moment of my bloody unlife, but I already bloody told you that, haven’t I?“ Without thinking, he closed his eyes and moved his hand forward, his fingertips lightly brushing over the letters on the gravestone. It soothed him, touching the only thing that still connected her to this world.
Without opening his eyes, he sighed softly. “Ya know, I had once again that dream last night. I was in hell, but then I woke up in a world without you. I always knew that I’d end up in hell eventually. But this is even worse, I feel… I feel like I’m empty. There're no bloody flames or eternal torment but… “ He trailed off, unable to find a word that could describe his state of being. “Sod it, Buffy! I just wish I could see you one more time. Just… see your golden skin, your petite figure, and drown in your hazel eyes. It would be enough to make this bloke reach his own heaven.”
Closing his eyes once again, he carefully stood up. “It should’ve been me,” he whispered and then looked at her name written on the cold stone.
“I love you, Buffy.” He could feel the tears rising in his eyes again. “ But that doesn’t change the fact that I hate you for what you’ve done, Slayer.“ He wiped the tears off his cheeks and stalked away into the night.





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