Chapter 6

Buffy glanced at him with a mixture of surprise and hesitation before her eyes filled with tears. Spike stood frozen, unsure of what to do.

He knew he was on thin ice. Deep down inside a fire was building, his demon screaming to release and destroy anything that threatened what was precious to him. But when the tears began to fall down her cheeks, his demon calmed and his heart broke.

Her stare was lifeless, unflinching as he slowly moved closer and took a seat next to her against the crypt wall. Everything in him wanted to pull her to him and hold her tight while he assured her everything would be okay, but it wasn’t his to promise. It would all be a lie. And she would know it.

His Slayer was broken. The trauma of losing heaven and the arrogance of her makeshift family moving on like nothing happened, pushed her to an edge she teetered since her return. The demon tonight was the final straw. She seized the opportunity to leave it all behind and jumped. But this time, he saved her.

It should fill him with relief, knowing she was safe and still alive, but he couldn’t shake this feeling of deep sorrow. Seeing the life pulled from her and the look of defeat on her face shredded him. It sat in the middle of his chest and rose into his throat, threatening to unleash tears of his own. In his mind it all came back to that stupid excuse of an argument. Had he pushed her toward the edge himself? Was his leaving her the final thread to snap, and bring her to the point that she was ready to give up her life? He felt pretentious to even consider it. He was nothing to her.

“I can’t deal with this,” Buffy said whispering.

Spike hesitated. He knew he had to be gentle. She was so fragile. One wrong move and he could ruin everything.

“You can, luv. I’m here with you.”

She sniffed and took a breath. “Everything’s just so hard. It’s too much.”

“I know. But it can get better, you just need time.”

Buffy laughed bitterly and shook her head. “No one is going to give me time, Spike. That’s not how this works.”

He knew exactly the uphill battle she was going up against defying her Watcher and the Scoobies. But what she didn’t realize was she actually held all the power. She was the One. The one girl chosen in the entire world gifted with supernatural powers. Without her, the others had nothing and they knew it. That’s why they had selfishly brought her back. They couldn’t cope without her.

“Fuck them, it’s your life. You live it how you bloody see fit not the other way around.”

Buffy shook her head, deep in denial but he wasn’t having it. She needed to hear this.

“They aren’t your keepers unless you allow it. Don’t you see? You hold all the power, always have.” She stared at him in disbelief, and he knew he struck a nerve. “It’s time to take it back. It’s time for you to live.”

“But it’s not that easy.”

“Yes, it is luv. I’ve got you and I know Dawn does too. We can get you through this. If the rest of them can’t deal, then sod ‘em. They know where the bloody door is.”

Tears formed in her eyes again. She took a deep breath, and wiped her face giving him a weak smile. “God, this is so hard. I know if I do just that I will lose all of them. I don’t think I could handle it.”

He knew deep down this was her greatest strength but also her greatest weakness. The relationship she had with her friends and Watcher made her different from other Slayers. They were her support team. But they were also a liability.

“I don’t think they will. But yeah, it will be hard at first. No doubt they are going to fight you on this. But if you stand your ground, they won’t have a choice but to fall in line. And if they don’t, you will still have Dawn and me. You won’t be alone, Buffy.”

Tears rolled down her face and she gasped. Spike knew she was trying to get a hold on her pain, but she couldn’t any longer and let it out. Openly, she wept and he looked down at her with sympathy, something he couldn’t remember feeling in a century. But it was there and he was hurting with her.

He reached out and pulled her into his arms, holding her close to his chest and stroked her hair. The barriers were gone, and the mask of indifference fell away as she sobbed. He hated she was going through this but he knew it was important for her to deal with the reality of her life. She needed to let the pain, anger and despair out. If she kept it bottled up like she had, tonight would happen all over again. And there was no way he would allow that to happen.

They sat there for what felt like hours until the tears dried up and her body shook ravaged by anxiety. He rubbed back until she was able to relax. She wiped her face.

“God, I must look like a mess.” She sniffed and looked up at him. “Why do you stay, Spike. My mess isn’t your problem.”

“You know why, luv,” he said brushing a strand of hair away from her face. “I couldn’t leave you even if I wanted to. My place is here with you and the Bit.”

‘You’re my family’, he wanted to say it but held back.

“But the way we’ve treated you. The things I’ve said to you. After everything, you kept your promise. You should be running for the hills.”

Spike shook his head. “That may be true, but you’ve left off all the wrong I’ve done to you. You seem to forget about a time when I wanted to kill you. We’ve both made mistakes where the both of us are concerned.”

“You’re right.”

“And just so you know, there is no way you couldn’t be anything less than beautiful to me. Tears and all.”

She smiled up, and looked away. She almost seemed embarrassed by his statement, but he meant it. Every time he looked at her, she glowed. There was no one else.

“God, I don’t want to go home.”

“I know, luv.” He stroked her head, trying to keep her calm. She had every right to be wary of what awaited at home.

“After everything tonight, I can’t face them. I don’t have any fight left in me.”

“Then we’ll sneak you in. You’ve had plenty of practice crawling through your bedroom window.” Spike cocked his brow, and gave her a sinister grin.

She laughed then nodded.

“Okay. Walk me home Spike?” Her eyes were wide, desperate for his reassurance.

“Try and stop me.”

They walked in silence side by side the whole way to her house. He appeared to be casual but was anything but. He was worried.

Once she was left alone in her room, what would she do? A flood of various scenarios flashed in his mind. If only he knew she was exhausted enough to pass out. That would put his mind at ease. But he knew better. There was no way she would be getting any sleep, and there was no telling what could happen tonight after he left her alone.

Everything in him wanted to stay with her and hold her through the night, but he knew he couldn’t stay. If the others were to find out, he didn’t think she could handle their ridicule. Not in this moment. And didn’t it frustrate him that he couldn’t be what she needed, but damn it if he was going to leave her alone. Maybe Dawn could step in when he couldn’t be there. He knew she was just as worried about Buffy as he was, and she was strong enough to handle it. She wasn’t a little girl anymore, not since Buffy took that leap into the portal.

The Bit grew up so much this summer. With Tara at his side, they spent the most time caring for her, helping her get through the pain of losing her sister. She was so much stronger than any of the others would give her credit for. Smart little Bit. If anyone could help Buffy, it was Dawn.

The night of Buffy’s burial destroyed Spike. He couldn’t deal with it. He couldn’t live in a world that Buffy didn’t exist and in his weakness he planned to wait out the sun, and let it all end. But she was waiting for him.

Dawn sat against a tree with her legs crossed and a flashlight shining on a book she held in her hands, overlooking the spot that Buffy now resided. Tears were in her eyes as he approached and leaned against the tree. He fidgeted with the pocket of his duster and pulled out a pack of cigarettes.

“I know what you’re doing,” she said casually, looking toward Buffy’s grave.

“Is that right?” He replied indifferent, even though he felt anything but okay.

“You want to dust.”

Shocked, he stood eerily still and waited. He didn’t know how to answer her.

“You came to say your last goodbye, and wait for the sunrise.”

Her nonchalant demeanor took him by surprise, and he didn’t know how to approach it. Was she teetering like he was? He didn’t know.

“Is that what you think this is?”

“It’s what I would do if I could.”

Spike took an unneeded breath, and tried to compose himself. He knew she understood. The emotions he had been fighting since he saw her lifeless body lying broken on the ground ripped him apart. As much as he wanted to be the tough, cocky persona he created, he couldn’t bring himself to pretend in front of her.

“I can’t go on without her.”

He didn’t know where he got the courage to speak the truth, but he couldn’t lie to her. She would call his bullshit. Right now they were in the same place.

“I know.

“It burns. To know that she’s gone… The world has no light. All that’s left is darkness.”

He lowered his head, unable to meet her eyes. He knew what she would see if he looked up, and he didn’t think he could bear it. There was nothing but guilt.

She sat silently still, staring at Buffy’s grave. He didn’t know what to do. Finally she broke the silence.

“You know, I used to wish that I didn’t have a sister. To be an only child, and not have to deal with all the crap that came with her being the Slayer.” She looked down, and pulled on the edge of her dress. Her mouth quivered. “But right now all I want is to have my sister back.”

She started to cry. “She died for me, Spike. And I treated her like shit. I was so mad at her for hiding things from me, and treating me like a kid. I know she was trying to protect me.”

No matter how much he wanted to refuse, seeing her cry brought him a step back from the ledge. He dropped down beside her, and took a drag off his cigarette, frustrated.

“Not your fault, Bit. It was mine. I should have protected you. I promised.”

She shook her head. “You did everything you could. There’s nothing you could’ve done.”

He snorted. There was countless ways he could have been quicker, cleverer and kept Dawn from those shallow cuts. But there wasn’t anything he could do to fix it. It was hopeless.

“Bullocks.”

She looked over at him, and wiped away her tears. “You know you can’t do it, right?”

He looked up and gave her a hard look, bloody irritated. Bossy bint. Who did she think she was?

“Is that so?” he replied.

“It is.”

She stared at him with a determined look in her eyes, and he had to look away. It reminded him too much of her.

“And what makes you think that?”

“You promised. And you don’t break your promises.”

That night gave him purpose and pulled him through the misery, not that it ever left him. Seeing Buffy alive on those stairs awakened a part of him that he thought he had lost forever. But it wasn’t without a price.

They stood in front of her house in silence, staring at the light that flickered in the living room window. All the other lights in the house were dark. Buffy froze on the sidewalk, and he wondered if maybe it was a better idea to let her stay the night at his crypt. But he knew she needed to do this. She had to face what was in front of her. Running away from it wasn’t going to make anything better.

“Do you want me to come up with you?”

She chewed on her lip and looked away from him.

“It’s okay, luv. Not to worry, just want to make sure you’re okay.”

Looking up at him with pleading eyes, she asked, “Will you come back tomorrow at nightfall?”

He sobered, taken aback from her request. He couldn’t believe she would actually verbalize wanting him around in any capacity. Taking an unneeded breath, he looked at her and nodded.

She gave him a quick smile then was gone, climbing the tree with the grace only one gifted as she could. Once she was on the roof, she gave him one last glimpse and disappeared through her window.

He walked over to the tree and leaned against it, waiting for a few minutes before he followed, quietly moving to Dawn’s bedroom window and knocked. It took a few moments before the stir of ruffling sheets, and light footsteps pattered to the locked window. In a rush, the blinds pulled open and there she was with sleepy eyes staring back at him.

“Dawn, open up. I need to talk to you.”

She complied and he crawled through the window as she closed it and slowly walked back to her bed in her dazed state and sat. He followed and sat next to her.

“Bit, I need you to stay with your sister tonight.”

She yawned, and stared at him with droopy eyes. “Why? What’s happened?”

He took an unneeded breathe deciding how much he should tell her. After everything, he learned that keeping things from her always had a way of blowing up in everyone’s faces, especially his. There was no way to protect her from the bad things in her life. She needed the truth.

“Your sister… Buffy… Bit, I don’t know how to do this..” He fiddled with his duster, itching for a smoke to ease his tension.

“Just say it Spike. You’re scaring me.”

“Buffy was almost killed by a demon tonight. If I hadn’t gotten there in time, we would have lost her again.”

Dawn gasped her eyes wide. “But she’s okay now, right?”

“Yeah, physically she’s fine, but… Dawn, you don’t understand. It wasn’t just a demon getting the upper hand. She gave up. She wanted to go.”

He didn’t feel the need to scare her further and tell her the demon would have destroyed her soul had it succeeded. Unless it became necessary, he was going to keep that part between him and Buffy.

“She didn’t.” She folded her arms.

“She did. I got there right in time and took care of the demon. She broke right after. I got her calmed down and walked her home. She’s in her room now.” He paused. “Bit, I don’t want her to be alone right now. She needs us. We’ve got to support her and protect her from the others right now. Can you help me do that?”

She stayed silent, and stared at him. “What do you mean?”

“Just what I said, Bit. We have to keep the others off her back. Don’t you see? They don’t see her pain.”

“You know I will.” Dawn looked up at Spike with those puppy dog eyes. “Is it because of how they’ve been pushing her to go back to her old life? You know I can see how they are acting too. Even Giles.”

“That’s a part of it.”

Spike looked away, his jaw clenched, knowing the tiniest clue about heaven just slipped though and accidently revealed more than he was willing to admit. Once Dawn had a crumb, there was no way of keeping something hidden from her. She was like a kid left in a room with a jar of cookies. There was no way she would stop until she held that cookie in her hand.

“And?” She looked at him to go on.

“And nothing. I can’t tell you the rest. That’s up to Buffy. I promised her I wouldn’t say anything and I won’t break her trust.”

Dawn rolled her eyes and folded her arms as she huffed. After experiencing many of these fits of hers during the summer, he knew to leave her be for a moment and she would come around. She might be young and immature at times, but she also could handle things most adults couldn’t imagine.

“Bloody hell, you know I’d feel better if you hit me compared to this silent treatment.”

She gave him a small smile, and he nudged her with his shoulder trying his best to pull her back. “Are we good, Bit?”

“Yeah,” she sighed. “I understand. But you know how I feel about secrets.”

“Don’t I?” Spike laughed thinking about the trouble she caused because of it.
“So it’s bad, isn’t?” she asked.

“Yeah.” He shook his head and looked away from her. “I won’t lie to you and say it isn’t, but we can fix this. We just need to be there for her. Let her know that no matter what happens or what she tells us, we won’t leave her.”

Dawn looked up at him, clearly upset. “Of course, we won’t. How could she not know that?”

“Watcher and the Scoobies are already trying to control her and push her back in the fight. How could she not? She thinks that if she refuses them they’ll leave.”

“They wouldn’t. I know they all have their moments, but they love her. They wouldn’t abandon her.”

“That’s what I told her, but she doesn’t see it that way. Until she can see it for herself, we need to be there and run interference, yeah?” He could see her calculating everything, disappearing into herself. After being with her for a while, he had better idea of how she ticked. She needed to figure it for herself.

“Okay.”

Relief flooded him. “So we’re good, and you understand what you need to do?”

Dawn nodded. “I can do this. For Buffy.”

“Good Bit. Now off you go to Buffy’s.” Spike helped her up and he walked to the window, stepping through.

“Night Spike.”

“Night Nibblet.”

After she locked the window, he was off into the night. He knew he made the right call in telling her. Now with his worry lessened, he could take care of some unfinished business. With daylight a few hours away, he had a house call to make.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Buffy sat in the dark on her bed staring at the window. She knew he hadn’t gone. She could still feel him, the hairs on the back of her neck prickling. She wondered if he was hanging around just in case.

She couldn’t make herself say the words. It hurt unbelievably bad to know what she done. The shame pulled her back into it all, playing it like a home movie and releasing it over and over again. She had never felt this way before, and she had no idea how to handle it.

She had always been confident and knew the right path to take. Sure she had doubts and was scared at times, but it was nothing like this. This was something else entirely.

Before she died everything was clear. She had a purpose, and knew with all her heart that she had to protect Dawn. Her life was important; after all she was an innocent. So when the portal opened she knew it wasn’t Dawn’s life that was needed, it was hers. And her mission was complete. She had done what she was called to do and she was finished.

But it was not to be. No, her friends had other plans and pulled her out of that place of peace and completion into a world of chaos and cruelty. How could she go on knowing what she lost? She didn’t know if she could, and tonight proved it. The first chance she got, she bailed.

The night kept repeating itself as she thought about what she should have done differently. Anyway she could have salvaged some part of herself. During this she felt Spike’s presence dissipate, and felt immediate loss. She knew it was wrong to feel such comfort in his presence but after tonight and everything he had done; she could no longer help herself.

A soft tap on her door pulled her attention away from herself. She was afraid to answer and see who it was. The door creaked open and Dawn poked her head in.

“Buffy? Can I come in?”

She wanted to say no that she wanted to be alone, but she couldn’t bring herself to lie. “Come in.”

Dawn quietly closed the door and walked over to the bed and took a seat next to Buffy. They sat in silence for a while.

Dawn looked over at her. “Are you okay?”

She didn’t know what to say. Should she make something up or tell the truth? Her instincts told her to lie and take the easy way out. But she knew Dawn would see right through.

“Do you want the truth or the lie?”

“The truth. You can tell me anything, you know? I’m not a little girl anymore.”

Buffy looked over at Dawn, the moonlight shining through the window illuminating her pale skin. She looked so young, just like the little sister she remembered before, but her eyes gave it away. She had a maturity that she didn’t before. This little girl had seen so much in her short life and Buffy realized she couldn’t protect her from the bad in the world. After everything that happened before her death, she realized that leaving her naive was the wrong choice. So she decided to let her in.

“I know. Too bad I didn’t realize that before. Maybe things could’ve been different.”

Buffy sobered. She really, really didn’t want to talk about it. Everything was too fresh. She didn’t want Dawn to feel ashamed of her. She wanted to be the hero, the Slayer for her. Someone she could count on and be proud of. Not the shell of what she once was.

“It’s okay Buffy. You can tell me anything…. I will love you no matter what. You know that right? No matter what you say, I’m not going to leave you.”

A sob choked her, tears forming in her eyes as she tried to keep her emotions in check but couldn’t keep the tears from coming.

“Oh Dawn. Everything is so messed up…. There’s something wrong with me.”

Dawn shook her head. “Nothing is wrong with you.”

“That’s not true. If there wasn’t I wouldn’t have…”

She couldn’t say the words. To admit what she had done, would make it real. Even now after everything, she couldn’t understand it all. To go from a woman that knew with all her heart what she was destined to do, then to be pulled around on its head to what she wasn’t. A fraction of the strength she had. She was nothing.

“Tried to kill yourself?” Dawn said quietly.

Surprised, Buffy looked up. “How did you..?”

Dawn hesitated, obviously deciding what to say. Finally she let out a sigh and said, “Spike.”

Buffy’s jaw clenched and her tear filled moment stopped, instantly bringing her anger to the front. No longer could she keep it bottled. After everything tonight, he betrayed her trust as soon as he got an opportunity.

The nerve of him, making this decision for her after everything he knew. How was it up to him to decide whether Dawn could handle something of this magnitude? He had no right to interfere without asking her. It wasn’t up to him to decide. He was just like the others.

“Buffy, don’t be mad at him. He’s worried about you and just wants to make sure you’re okay. I don’t think he wanted to tell me but I didn’t give him a choice.”

She shook her head and her voice rose. “He had no right to say anything. It wasn’t his to tell.”

“Maybe not, but think about it from his side. What if our roles were reversed, wouldn’t you want him to tell you if I’d done something like that?” Her eyes and voice pleaded for her to listen.

A tiny part of her understood why he did it, but another part felt helpless like he had taken her power away.

“But that’s different. You’re a child… He.. He..”

“He’s my friend. You forget that I do understand. Don’t you remember what happened after I learned what I am? I didn’t exactly handle it well.”

How could she forget the night that Dawn and Spike snuck off and broke into the Magic Box. By accident, she learned about her true origin in this world. She would never forget the terror she felt when she saw the blood that had ran down Dawn’s wrists. It scared the hell out of her. From that day forward, she knew she had to protect her.

“God, how can I forget? I felt so guilty about you finding out that way. I went to beat the shit out of Spike that next day.”

“It wasn’t his fault, you know? He saw me sneak out and he just tagged along to make sure I was okay.”

Hearing all of this helped calm her down, but she definitely wasn’t over this newest violation of her trust. It hurt to know that the one person she thought had her back would go against her so quickly, no matter the intention.

She didn’t want to fight about this, so she decided to drop it. “Yeah, I know.”

“He did the same thing all summer. He looked after me, and even the others. He kept us all safe. I don’t know what I would have done without him.”

Buffy nodded.

No matter how mad she was, she couldn’t be more than grateful for everything he had done. No doubt he saved all their lives. Done what she couldn’t. But that didn’t make it okay to do what he did.

Silence pulled them under again. She could tell Dawn was waiting for her to say something, but Buffy didn’t know how to talk about this. It was so hard.

Could she tell her what was really happened? What she lost? She didn’t know.

“It’s alright you know. You can talk to me about it. Hell… I know you don’t think I can handle it, but I can.”

She bit her lip, contemplating whether she should just come out with it all. Every nerve ending in her was so tired of lying. Each time she went along with her friends and their comments about where they assumed she had been pulled her that much further into herself. It was time to let it all go.

“It all happened so fast. I was out patrolling, finishing up my rounds and this demon attacked. We fought, and it got the best of me. But.. I didn’t try to get away, I welcomed it. I just wanted everything to be over.” Buffy looked down at her hands, picking at her fingernails. “I wanted to go back.”

Buffy heard Dawn gasp, she waited a few moments before looking over at her. Dawn’s eyes were filled with tears.

“When they pulled me out, I wasn’t in hell like they thought. I think I was in heaven.”

Dawn reached over to hug her, and Buffy lost it. She couldn’t hold it back. To admit the torment she kept from her all this time. No longer would she have to pretend, and keep her mask in place like she did with the others. A weight felt like it had fallen off, one less person to pretend for.

They sat silently huddled into each other for the longest time before Buffy pulled away first. She wiped the tears from her eyes, and reached for Dawn’s hand holding it in hers.

“I want you to understand. I love you, with everything that I am, I do. But it’s hard. Coming back. It’s so hard to be the Slayer again. Being the one everyone turns to. Especially after it was all over.”

Dawn’s grip tightened at surprising strength. Buffy looked up to see the fury in her eyes.

“How could they, Buffy? How could they do this to you? They should’ve checked. Made sure they knew where you were before. God, I’m so sorry. If we would’ve known, Spike and I would’ve stopped them.”

She knew they were blameless in all of this, and to know they were on her side made the tiniest gleam of hope bloom in her.

“I know you guys didn’t know anything. I don’t blame you.”

“But that doesn’t make this okay. God, Buffy! They robbed you of heaven. That’s not just anything!”

Dawn stood, pacing in front of her like a scientist working out a theory in the movies. She had never seen her like this. She could feel the vehemence coming off of her in waves. With each step, the tension seemed to heighten until she couldn’t take it anymore.

“Dawn, will you please sit down?”

She stared at her, a look of disbelief on her face. “How can you be so calm about all of this? I have every intention of going down the hall and beating the shit out of Willow then going to Xander’s to do the same! God, the nerve of them.”

Buffy was bewildered by this side of Dawn. She was a completely different animal and she didn’t know how to react.

“I just want to hit something. God, is this how you feel all the time? No wonder…”

Buffy stood and walked over to her, holding her by the shoulders. “It’s okay Dawn.”

“No, it’s not Buffy. Nothing about this is okay. You didn’t deserve this. You saved the fucking world! And what you’re going through? I can’t imagine.”

Buffy gave her a stern look for her use of language, but let it go as Dawn reached for her.

“I’m going to get you through this. I promise. Buffy, you don’t have to be alone. No matter what, I have your back. I love you. More than you can possibly know.”

Buffy was speechless. Hearing her say those words meant more to her than she could imagine. Her support was everything. And to see this behavior from her, well she had never seen this side of Dawn before. She was so grown; a force in her own right and it totally took her by surprise. But it also made her smile.

“You’re all grown up now, aren’t you?” Her voice cracked, almost sounding weak.

“Are you just now seeing that,” Dawn said with a smirk.

“I guess everything is different now.” She looked down at her hands, a moment of melancholy running through her.

Dawn reached for her hand and held it. “Not everything Buffy. You’ll see.”

Buffy looked up and gave her a weak smile. “I hope you’re right.”

Dawn yawned, and rubbed her eyes. Buffy realized she should probably make her go back to bed. At least it was Saturday and she wouldn’t have to worry about getting up early for school.

“It’s late, maybe you should think about going back to bed.”

“Yeah,” she said walking over to the other side of the bed, and lifted up the covers and tucked herself in.

Buffy smiled as she sat down on the other side of the bed. She pulled off her clothes and grabbed a discarded tshirt lying next to her nightstand before lifting up the covers. Laying next to her sister, she wiggled for a moment trying to get comfortable before fluffing her pillow.

Dawn rolled over and laid her head next to her shoulder. “Buffy?”

“Yeah?” She sunk further into her covers, her body relaxing a little from the contact.

“Can I dye my hair purple?”

Buffy laughed to herself, internally shaking her head. She should have known her impromptu move at the salon would give her ideas. Instead of entertaining the idea, she looked over at her sister and said, “Goodnight Dawn.”

“Night Buffy.”