All I Wanted by Shipperandfanficer15
Summary: It was there. After the dust had settled, at the edge of the crater that used to be Sunnyhell, that Buffy Summers realized she really did love him. She loved him and it was too late. She's now living in London, with everything her younger self could have ever wanted, and she'd trade it all in a heartbeat. If it meant she could have him back. (Inspired by the song All I Wanted) (Disclaimer! I do not own the show Buffy The Vampire Slayer or any of it's characters. I do not own the song All I Wanted by Paramore.)
Categories: Ficlets/Song Fics Characters: None
Genres: Angst, Romance
Warnings: Adult Language, Character Death
Challenges:
Series: None
Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes Word count: 3361 Read: 424 Published: 02/01/2022 Updated: 02/01/2022
Chapter 1 by Shipperandfanficer15

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Think of me, when you’re out-when you’re out there.

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She did, every night. Whether Buffy Summers was patrolling, training baby slayers, sulking in the privacy of her room, or bar hopping with her ‘friends’. Yeah, quote on quote, she’s still not over being kicked out of her own house. By the people she used to think of as family no less. Not that it matters anymore, it’s not like the building exists anyway.

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I’ll beg you nice, from my knees.

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He did, way too many times, in way too many different ways. How many times had he pleaded for her to stay with him? To let him love her, even if she didn’t love him back. How many times had he served his heart up on a platter? Begging for only a crumb, a speck. A mere sign that somewhere down the line, somehow, he could be more to her than the dirt beneath her feet.

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And when the world treats you way too fairly.

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She’s not sure the world ever did. She can’t speak on behalf of his past, since she obviously wasn’t there. She can only go by what she’s heard, what he’s said. All the things that remained unspoken, and what she was actually there to witness. If she looked back into her mind, throughout the years, the most she could find was decent. As a whole, the Scooby Gang treated him decently at best. Meaning he wasn’t brutally tortured, physically or verbally, to the point where dusting would’ve been better than being here. Which really isn’t saying much, they- she still put him through Hell. She supposes in the end, they really had pushed him to the point where dusting was the better option.

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Well it’s a shame, I’m a dream.

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 He once told her about how he figured it out, that he was in love with her. He had a very vivid dream that involved stakes, clothes being torn off, and major kissage. Well at least it sounds like dream Buffy wasn’t a total bitch to him. Or maybe she was, and he didn’t care. He seemed to put up with reality Buffy’s shit for all these years. Though it’s not really like he had much of a choice, love’s bitch to the bitter end indeed.

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All I wanted was you.

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That really was all he ever wanted, or that’s what he would’ve settled for. Any way he could have her was better than nothing right? He stopped hoping she’d feel anything akin to love for him a long time ago. She wonders when exactly that happened. When he realized he was fighting a losing battle, that she was too broken to feel anything but carnal pleasure. Maybe it was when she claimed she couldn’t love him, William. Yeah, she used his human name for that, way to twist the knife in deeper Slayer. 

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All I wanted was you.

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Maybe it was when she pummeled him to the ground, and left him to dust that night she thought she’d killed someone. Let's not forget all the cutting words she threw his way during, and how he just let her. Maybe it was when she threw him onto the asphalt and claimed he was beneath her. She saw the look on his face when she'd said it, and she held her head high like she was the queen of the fucking world in response. Maybe every jab and blow, verbal or physical, was slowly killing him a little more every day. Maybe opening himself up and being vulnerable, only to be harshly rejected time after time, finally got to be too much.

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I think I’ll pace my apartment a few times.

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 She doesn’t like to sit still, not anymore, not if she can help it. He never did, he was always in motion. Even if he was standing in place. He’d bounce on the balls of his feet, flex his fingers, quirk his brow, tilt his head, and don’t even get her started on his beautiful mouth. She’d never met anyone more alive than Spike, ironically. Now he can’t do that, or anything really, anymore. It’s kinda impossible when you’re dust in the wind. She’s always in motion, she moves enough for the both of them.

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And fall asleep on the couch.

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She never uses her bed. Not for sleeping, or sex, at least. It’s too big, too empty. It’s another reminder of what she’s lost. She could trade it for a cot, but that’d remind her too much of their cot. The one they shared those final nights in her basement, back in Sunnyhell. She knows it’s Sunnydale, but it sure felt like a sunny hell when her vampire was going up in flames as the Hellmouth caved in around them. Besides, it was his name for the place. If you asked her, it’s always been Sunnyhell and everyone’s just been mispronouncing it all along.

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And wake up early to black and white reruns.

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She always puts Passions on right before she calls it a night, it makes great background noise. Much more calming than those whale noises and all that rot. Just before she blacks out, for a brief second, she’s able to pretend he’s here with her. That her head’s resting on his lap. As he strokes her hair while very passionately-see what she did there-expressing his feelings about his favorite show. He’d have some British beer, or maybe whiskey, in his other hand to dramatically swing around to emphasize his points.

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That escaped from my mouth.

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Never blood of course, blood reminds her of the Something Blue incident. She knows everyone else, who’s still alive to talk about it, has dubbed it the Will Be Done fiasco. The only thing regarding day Buffy Summers gives two shits about, is that during those few hours, she thought she was gonna be Mrs. The Bloody. Or Mrs. Bloody, they hadn’t quite worked that out yet at the time. She also considered calling it, The Only Time I Was Ever Truly Happy Besides That Time I Was Dead incident, but that’s a bit long winded. She likes using words he would’ve used, that he would’ve gotten a kick out of. It’s not like he can be a sarcastic pain in the ass anymore. She’s taken to calling people anything but their names.

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Oh-oh, Oh-oh.

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Everyone’s concerned, at least they pretend they are. Or maybe they’re pretending they’re not. She doesn’t care. They’re certainly pretending they don’t know why she’s miserable. Except for Niblet, she misses him too. A couple of days after they reached London, the Bit cornered her sister and made her spill. Having to rehash everything out was painful for her, but hey, she deserved it. Besides, it’s nice to have someone else besides her thinking about him. She wonders if her sister hates her now, for making her hate him at one point. She thought he really hurt Buffy, when in reality, it was the other way around and much worse than she could’ve imagined.

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All I wanted was you.

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It’s amazing really. She broke him down in every way imaginable, and he never once thought of giving up on her, not really. He would’ve stayed with her forever as her punching bag if she told him that’s what she needed. Yet he makes one mistake after being pushed too far, and he’s off to make sure it never happens again. Not because it was the right thing to do, nor because he was afraid of what the others would think. She's sure the thought of being staked never even crossed his mind.

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All I wanted was you.

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Why does a man do what he mustn’t? For her, to be hers. She looked into those demon trials he'd undergone to get his soul back. Those puppies are not a walk in the park. If a demon’s about to grant any wish your heart could possibly desire, you better believe it’s gonna be a bitch and a half to do. Nearly impossible, even. He pulled through anyway, of course he would. Why wouldn’t he, if it was what he thought she deserved? He’d do anything for the people he loves, soul or no soul. That's always been a constant for as long as she's known him.

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All I wanted was you.

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Hell, he would’ve dusted himself if he thought it would bring her happiness. He was thoughtful like that, considerate. Much more considerate than the human he was in love with. I mean who kisses their ex in front of their guy without a care in the world? Especially when your ex and current guy have a long painful history together. Whether he would've been present or not is irrelevant, it just majorly sucks that he was. She knows if the roles were reversed, even Drusilla's thrall couldn't have convinced him to put his face anywhere near hers. Maybe that’s why he was so hot about that amulet. He wanted to prove himself to her. Show her he could be her champion. He could be what she needed outside of the bedroom, and he was. At the cost of his unlife.

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All I wanted was you.

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He left her his duster. After getting back on the bus, and being asked a million and one questions, a duffel bag was shoved into her lap by Andrew. He said it was Spike’s, she didn’t remember him loading one up. Was she really not paying attention to him, even in the end, after everything? When she opened the bag there was a note, and his most prized possession. He really went into that fight ready to lay down his unlife for her. He didn’t think she’d want the jacket to remind herself of him, but to perhaps put in some Slayer hall of fame in memory of Nikki Wood. Stupid vampire, that hadn’t been Nikki Wood’s jacket in a long time, and she damn well needed everything she could get her hands on of his. Not that there was anything else. His crypt had been blown to bits, and to top it off, anything that he could've stashed around Sunnyhell was destroyed with the whole bloody town. She had a local London Wicca charm the duster so it wouldn’t get any battle damage and would fit her petite frame. She's worn Spike’s coat every single day without fail.

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I could follow you to the beginning.

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A couple of months after the fall of Sunnyhell she got drunk, well, drunker than usual. When all of a sudden she was struck with a brilliant idea. At 3 am she was pounding at the coven’s door demanding to know the location of the nearest Oracles or Emissaries. After reluctantly giving her an address, she was off into the night. The Oracles’ knee jerk reaction was to tell her to kick rocks, and come back when she was sober and thinking clearly. She was tempted to throttle them for even suggesting this was something she wouldn't want come morning. It took all her self control to reluctantly leave, but she knew if she ended up pissing them off she'd be screwed.

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Just to relive the start.

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So there she was the next night, all bright eyed without a single drop of alcohol in her system. Begging them to bring her William back to her, they refused. Very much to her dismay. She bitched about it of course. If they could drag that Poofter Angelus out of the pits of Hell, then why not her vampire? If he was in Heaven she’d understand and figure something else out. Something along the lines of dying and praying the PTB would be able to put two and two together, realize he's her Heaven. Yet for some reason, unknown to her, he wasn’t there. The damn Oracles wouldn’t tell her where, just not where she once was. She got mad- madder, and told them to send her back in time then. A few minutes before he died if they wanted to be stingy about it. She'd take what she could get at this point.

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Maybe then we’ll remember to slow down.

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Hell, send her back to the 1st time he rolled into Sunnyhell. Make her relive all that pain until he loved her again, if they were feeling particularly sadistic. She’d grin and bear it if that’s what it took. I mean, having another chance with him’s even better than pulling him out of wherever right now. Maybe this him was tired too, had a death wish, and that’s why he dusted. He used to be so playful and full of life, his eyes shone. He was vibrant, effulgent. Towards the end, his eyes were duller than a corpse’s. He was withdrawn, quiet, defeated. She did that to him, she broke him.

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At all of our favorite parts.

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 She’d treat him like he deserved this time around, give him a real chance. She’d enjoy all those little, and not so little, moments with him. She wouldn’t run this time, she’d take care of him. Like how he took care of her. She’d make sure he knew what a good man he was, and just how much she loved him. She’d be damned if he dusted thinking she was throwing a dead man a bone. He'd believe her this time. He’d rip off that damn amulet and come with her. They'd live a life of slaying and domestic bliss here in London. Every night I save you, Spike. This time, she vowed she’d do it for real.

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ALL I WANTED WAS YOU.

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Then everything came crashing down when the Oracles told her to piss off, it’s just something that can’t be done. Time travel was tricky business, and in their opinion, one measly vampire wasn't worth the risk of the world accidently ending. She felt her heart shatter all over again, and she was seriously regretting not throttling those jerks last night. In a flurry of panicked movements she rushed to the place everyone else called home. Packed a duffel, and rushed to the nearest airport. After booking a flight for Africa, she stayed at the terminal until it was time for her flight. If he could beat those demon trials for her, then she could do the same for him.

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All I wanted was you.

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It took her nearly a month, but she finally found that sodding cave. Not that it mattered, seeing as the demon refused her as well. The prick apparently only granted wishes to other demons, and the Slayer didn’t fit the bill. She wailed, pleaded, and threatened him. All until he threw her out of his cave, erecting a magical barrier so she couldn't just stomp back in. Feeling more broken than ever, she looked for the nearest Oracles taking up shop here. When she found those cunts after enough asking around, they essentially told her the same thing. Spike's not anywhere they can reach, time travel does more harm than good, yada yada yada. At least these ones were more sympathetic than ones in London. They were, dare she admit, borderline useful even. 

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All I wanted was you.

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They told her there might be some Oracles in another location that might be able to help. There probably wasn’t, but maybe if she was lucky she’d take so long to find them that the fate of the world would change. Then they’d have no choice but to send her back. She 90% sure they were yanking her chain, but that didn’t stop her from asking for the next location on her world tour. They told her she was chasing ghosts, trying to bring to fruition an outlandish dream. She ignored them, once again demanding the address of the next Oracles on the list. She was a woman on a mission now, and no one was stopping her. Armed with only a duffel bag, his duster, and a credit card courtesy of her former watcher/father figure, she was off.

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All I wanted was you.

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She never stayed in one place for very long. She'd blow into town, find those bastards as soon as possible, and if they shot her down, she was gone. How the Watcher hadn't cut her credit card when she was pissing hundreds, nearing the thousands, of dollars away on travel expenses is beyond her. She didn't dare question it, not wanting to look a gift horse in the mouth and all. It’d been six months since the fall of Sunnyhell when she finally ran into her, Drusilla. She was pissed her Childe burned, and Buffy didn’t blame her. His Sire attacked her, but she couldn’t bring herself to hurt her. After all, she was his. She had also loved him, as best as she could in her own twisted way. It wasn't her fault she was like this. The Great Sodding Forehead had broken her, broken them both. Not to the same degree, but damage was still dealt to both parties. The Vampiress must’ve seen something in her gaze. Or maybe her pixies whispered something in her ear, because she stopped her assault. Buffy told her about the self imposed mission, even though she had a feeling Dru already knew about it.

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All I wanted was you.

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It was during this that she realized the insane woman in front of her, might be the last living- unliving connection she had to Spike. To his past, to the parts of him she never saw or got to know. The Seer had met human William in the beginning after all. Which lead the Slayer to beg Dru to come with her. She promised she’d take care of her, like he used to. She’d even give his Dark Princess some of her blood every day if that’s what it took. She eventually agreed, if only to help get her Dark Knight back. In the coming months Buffy slowly learned how to decode the gibberish Drusilla was constantly spewing. Which was a plus since that meant they could swap Spike stories without the Slayer getting lost every five seconds. They’d sorta become friends. She’s sure if Spike could see her now, he’d ask if she’d completely gone carrot top. He’d claim she’d gotten everything she’d ever wanted when she was in London. She was away from the Hellmouth, she wasn’t the only girl- not counting Faith- in the world anymore. Everyone she cared about were much safer there in comparison to what they dealt with in Sunnyhell. She had the time to go back to college if she wanted. Get a job, date a nice guy, have more of that normal she craved so much. If she could look him in his baby blue eyes right now, with all the certainty in world she’d say, all I wanted was you.

This story archived at http://https://spikeluver.com/SpuffyRealm/viewstory.php?sid=37483