Chapter One


"Will, this is going to be great!" Buffy exclaimed as she took hold of her best friend, William Giles' hand. William smiled nervously at her as she pulled him up the winding wooden staircase, his blue eyes darting around and taking in everything around him. Buffy beamed brilliantly at him, her green eyes sparkling and her blond hair bouncing with each step. William brushed his honey brown curls from his eyes and tried not look as fearful as he felt.

Landing on the third floor, on the all season porch with windows all around
and blue flooring, Buffy knocked on the door and a man with dark hair and
a moustache came to the door. He wore jeans and a t-shirt and he smiled at
Buffy. "Hey Buffy, how you doing?" he asked, and Spike noticed how deep
his voice was.

"Hi Mike, I brought my roommate with me. Well, hopefully anyway," she
laughed easily and gestured towards William. "Mike, this is William,
William, this is Mike."

Mike held out his hand to shake Williams hand and reluctantly he let go of
Buffy's hand, hoping he hadn't been death gripping it. Course, she would
have said something if he had been. It wasn't like Buffy to not be vocal.

"How ya doin' William?" Mike asked abruptly and yet politely.

"G-good, thanks," William nodded and shook his hand. Mike had a firm
grip. William just smiled.

Buffy giggled and Mike looked at her sternly, yet he had amusement in his
eyes. "What?"

"You, all serious," she replied.

"I'm trying to be serious here Buffy. You don't get this side of me very
often—"

"If at all," Buffy grinned.

Mike chuckled. "Let me show you around William."

"Can I?" Buffy piped up.

"Well, Buffy, I am the landlord—"

"Please? You can tell him anything I miss okay?"

Mike smiled warmly at her and gestured for her to start.

"This is obviously the kitchen," Buffy told him.

"I'm not sure if the stove and the sink were a dead give away or not, but I
know how Buffy doesn't want you to be confused," Mike said seriously.
William was catching on that Mike's jokes were very deadpan and said in a
serious tone though it was clear he was joking. For the first time since Buffy
had whisked him away that day, William smiled a real smile.

Buffy stuck her tongue out at Mike.

"Now, now Buffy. Toni would be upset if she saw you do that," Mike said
sternly, pointing at her.

"Leave your wife out of this Freeman," Buffy tossed back, but then she
laughed and grabbed Williams hand once more. "Let me show you the living
room."

She walked five feet and onto carpeting. Two windows at the far wall and
cream walls greeted them.

"Living room. Oh, and here's another door," she explained and walked to
the right, opening a door and gesturing outside. "We can put our shoes and
stuff out here if you want," she grinned. Who knew Buffy would get so
excited about the placement of shoes. William supposed that when you
made the rules of where your shoes could go and WOULD go, you got
excited. He supposed she would be trudging through the place with her
shoes on just to make up for all the years she'd had to take her shoes off as
soon as she walked in the door at her parent's house.

Turning and walking out of the living room, she made an immediate right
and entered into what appeared to be a bedroom. Four cream walls and a
window at the front. "And look, William, drawers built into the wall so you
don't have to bring a dresser and conserve space if you wanted." She then
led him across the kitchen to another bedroom, a larger one with four
windows straight across the wall across from them. "Check out the closet
space!" she exclaimed and flung open two sliding doors to reveal a huge
closet.

"I take it you've already claimed this room due to the enormous closet
then?" William asked, smirking.

"No. Though it would make more sense since the other room doesn't have
a closet, but we could share the closet space. . . or we could flip for this
bedroom, its really okay William. Whatever will make you comfortable so
that you like it here---"

"Buffy, pet, it's all right. Slow down, I could take the smaller bedroom. I
don't have as much stuff as you do anyway," he patted her hand gently.

"Does this mean-?" she asked hopefully.

"Is there a bathroom or am I expected to pee out my window?"

Buffy burst into laughter. "It's right around the corner from this bedroom.
It's even got a tub."

"Very nice."

"And we have a washer and dryer in the kitchen in case you missed it.
There's a little nook in the corner, so they're kind of set back."

"Even nicer."

"William, do you want to take it? Will you live with me?" she asked,
squeezing his hand in anticipation.

Like he could deny her anything. They'd been best friends since she saved
him from bullies shoving him in a locker sophomore year in high school. The
leader of the bullies had been her current boyfriend at the time on top of that. Now they
were fresh out of college in which they'd commuted together and were just
starting to get their feet wet in the ‘real world'. They'd pinky swore as
teenagers that they'd do it all together and so far they had. And even
though William was petrified, not loving the whole aspect of change so
much, he knew it was time and knew that Buffy was the person to do it
with.

"I'll live with you Buffy," he told her softly.

Letting out a squeal, Buffy threw herself in his arms, squeezing him tightly
and jumping up and down. A difficult feat while embracing another.

"I take it he said yes then?" Mike asked, coming into the room.

"He did!" Buffy exclaimed excitedly and disengaged from William.

Mike held out his hand again and William took it more firmly this time.
"Welcome to your new home," Mike said and smiled. "You can move in
next weekend if you're ready. All I need is first and last for now and you
can pay me security next month or we can split it up over a couple months.
Just let me know," Mike said all business again and released his hand.

"I—I think over a couple months would be good for me," William said,
glancing at Buffy. Buffy nodded agreeing with him.

"Great. Now, Buffy told you that nothings included right?

William sent Buffy a withering look. "She failed to mention that."

"I wouldn't worry," Mike told him, "for heat in the winter, you've got the
heat from the first two floors helping you out, so you won't pay much at all.
Plus, you have gas. Less expensive than electric. You have your own
washer and dryer and it's only six hundred a month for rent."

"That she did tell me."

"You can paint and do whatever you want in here, not a problem as long as
its painted back to white or cream or whatever that color is before you
leave. You have the parking spot closest to the house, or you know, on the
street. The trash goes out on Tuesdays, but the guy on the second floor,
Andrew, usually takes it out to the curb and then someone brings it back.
You can leave rent right in the mailbox at the first floor at the first of the
month."

"Quiet neighborhood?" William asked.

"Very. The more you circle out of here, the louder it gets, but my
grandfather owned this place, he lived on the first floor and I've been
coming here since I was a kid. I inherited the place from him when he died.
I know most of the people in this area and it's a good neighborhood."

William nodded and looked down at Buffy who was smiling so bright, she
outshone the sun. Brushing his hair away again from his eyes, he beamed
back at her. Anything to make his Buffy happy. Plus, this would be good for
him. He needed it, they needed it. Time to be all ‘growed' up as Buffy would
say. He'd been hoping to move closer to home, like in the same town, in
Newport. Buffy chose Providence. Which wasn't that far away, but still . .

"Welcome home, William," Buffy said warmly.

"Indeed," William said softly, reality starting to set in.

Chapter Two

William plopped himself down on the frumpy couch, exhausted. Buffy, who had been full of energy earlier that morning, came in and plopped down next to him. She immediately rested her head on his chest and wrapped an arm around him. He followed the tender gesture by wrapping his arm about her shoulders and pressing a kiss to her forehead.

"Tired?" he murmured.

"Exhausted. You?"

"Yep. Hungry?'

"I think so. I think I'm too tired to even tell if I'm hungry." As if on cue, her
belly rumbled loudly. She grinned and looked up at him, "I guess that's
your answer."

He smiled. "What would you like to do then? Eat in or out?"

"Definitely in. We should have our first meal right here in our barely
decorated and minimalist living room. And it should be something like
pizza. Delivered of course. Now, should we get liquor or just soda?"

William pondered that. "Maybe both? We could get a six pack of beer and
soda for after."

"We need groceries."

"We could get just breakfast food until tomorrow when we can really shop.
I don't think I have the energy to really shop." William said, looking into the
kitchen at the large but very empty fridge.

"Nor do I. I need my milk, that's for sure."

"What is your obsession with milk?"

"Osteoporosis. My grandmother had it and it was awful. Her bones were so
brittle. Plus, I think it's a comfort thing."

"Comfort thing?"

"It's best not to ask questions Will."

He chuckled. "Okay Buffy."

"Our first night should definitely be together in our place. That has a nice
ring to it doesn't it Will? Our place. William and Buffy's Place. William and
Elizabeth's Place. Will and Buff's Place. . . " she trailed off, yawning into his
chest.

He grinned down at her, unable to resist pressing another kiss on her head.
What would he ever do without her? She brought so much life to him and
she didn't even know it. When she waltzed into his life, she'd brought
buckets of color with her and brightened up his world. He'd been the new
kid ‘geek' of the school. He'd gone at least a month of being completely
invisible to everyone around him, so invisible in fact, he'd been seriously
pondering his existence. Then, the school jock, Riley Finn had designated
him as the ‘loser' and the ‘geek' of the school and decided it was in his best
interest to torment William. He mocked him, laughed at him and basically
did everything he could to humiliate William. He remembered seeing Buffy
with Riley a few times, remembered first laying eyes on her and thinking
her the most beautiful girl he'd ever seen. However, he'd stereotyped her.
He thought her dumb for a) dating Riley and b) being a cheerleader. While
dating Riley was up for debate at times when her judgment has been more
than a little off, William knew that Buffy was no moron. She'd been an A
student, active in all clubs—not just cheerleading—volunteered at nursing
homes and had been student council president two years in a row. Since
Riley mostly tormented him when he was alone or in the supportive throng
of his cronies, William didn't think Buffy had a clue as to Riley's
extracurricular activating of tormenting him until the day Riley had shoved
him into a locker and kept pounding on the door and laughing. The cramped
area made it difficult to breathe, and the constant clanging had made his
head pound.

He remembered Buffy's stern voice demanding Riley to tell her just what
the hell he was doing.

"Just goofing off, Buff," Riley told her calmly.

"Is there someone in there?"

"No," but he didn't sound convincing enough. So Buffy had marched over
and pushed Riley aside, flinging open the door. The sunlight behind her
illuminated her form and brightened her blond hair. It was as if she were an
angel. The Angel of Mercy come to save him. She gasped when she saw
William scrunched up, with his curls falling in his face, his glasses falling off
and sweating profusely.

She helped pull William out of the locker and stood with her hands on her
hips, glowering at Riley.

"What the hell is your problem?" she asked him crossly.

"My problem?" Riley asked, pointing at himself in the chest. "You're the
one with your panties in a twist over a harmless joke."

"Harmless joke? That wasn't a harmless joke Riley. Have you ever been in
a locker? It's not like the vents are very . . . vent like. And that constant
racking of banging on the metal cannot be pleasant. Is it William?"

This angel knew his name? He'd been stunned to say the least. "No, it's not
p-p-leasant."

"Oh suck it up geek!" Riley exclaimed, trying desperately to make it not a
big deal for picking on William.

"Get in the locker Riley," Buffy ordered suddenly.

His eyes widened. "What?"

"Get in the locker and find out for yourself."

"No! What are you crazy?" Riley nearly roared.

"If it's not so bad, then why not try it?" she asked with a shrug.

"The captain of the football team doesn't hang out in lockers Buffy," he said
patronizingly.

"Human beings don't hang out in lockers, Riley Finn. William is a human
being."

Riley snorted.

William remembered Buffy just staring at Riley with a blank expression on
her face. He had no idea what was going on in her head only that it had to
be serious. He'd shuffled his feet, not sure what to do with himself.

"I think it's over Riley," Buffy finally said.

William and Riley had twin expressions of surprise.

"What?" Riley bellowed.

"It's over Riley. I can't be with someone that shoves people into lockers.
It's not fun, it's not cool. It's asinine and childish. I don't want to be with
someone like that."

Riley had made like a guppy for a few seconds. "I can't believe you're
dumping me over," he pointed to William, "THAT!"

Entwining her arm through William's she stuck her nose in the air. "He's
not a ‘that'. You are. Come on William." And she'd walked away with him,
having to nearly drag him in the stunned state he'd still been in. Once
they'd rounded the corner and made their way outside, for it was the end of
the day, William had stopped abruptly and pushed Buffy off his arm.

"What did you just do?" he demanded.

She furrowed her brow in an manner that William found adorable had he
not been so frustrated with her at the moment. "What?"

"You just broke up with Riley Finn."

She shrugged, "Yeah, so?"

"All because he shoved me in a locker?" The mere idea was simply
incredulous.

"Well, not ALL because of that," she said carefully.

"Knew there had to be a catch," he muttered, almost mournfully.

"Riley and I just didn't click. All he talked about was football and driving.
He doesn't even drive or have a car yet! He talks about himself and ONLY
himself. It's boring. It's rude and after what I witnessed today, well, it was
the final nail in his coffin. You don't deserve that William"

"I'm different," he whispered, looking down.

"Why because you're British?" she asked, confused.

"I'm a British ‘geek'. I'm the new kid. No one wants to talk to the new kid.
You never even paid attention to me before now. I don't want your pity
Buffy."

"I'm sorry, William. I didn't mean to ignore you. . . Can I tell you a
something?"

He nodded, still looking at his feet.

"I was kind of afraid to talk to you."

His head shot up at that. "What? Why?"

She blushed and smiled and this time, she looked down. "Because you're
quiet and mysterious. You're super smart and you have a real sexy accent."

He thought he was going to fall over. "You think I have a sexy accent."

"Always loved the British accent," she admitted. "I was afraid you'd think I
was dumb."

He shook his head in wonder, finding himself speechless.

"So . . . Friends?" she asked and stuck out her hand.

He smiled and nodded, taking her hand in his. "Friends."

"So friend," Buffy said, snapping him back to the present. "Let's order that
pizza."

"Okay. Roomie."

She grinned. "We'll always be friends William."

"We're friends and roomies now. I wonder what we'll be next," he mused.

Chapter Three

“We need eggs,” William said as he looked over the list one more time. He took out his pen, ready to mark it off as they entered the Dairy section.

“Aren’t you going to check it off?” Buffy asked, trying not to
laugh at how efficient he was.

“No, they’re not in the cart yet,” he said, the look on his face
telling her she should have known this already.

“Will, we’re right here. As soon as we cut a path to the eggs
around all these people, we’ll have them.”

“Doesn’t matter,” he shrugged. “They have to be in the basket
before I can check them off.”

“You’re a little anal, you know that?” she told him, shaking her
head but a smile curling her lips.

“Like you’re one to talk Miss We Need to Get the Milk First
Thing. I just like to be organized,” he said haughtily. He looked
toward the crowd around the egg section. “I’m thinking
Sunday mornings are NOT the time to be doing this.”

“I’m sure you’ll come up with an efficient time for us.”

He gave her a look, then, “All right. I’m going in.”

She giggled as she watched him weave in and out, while
managing to be polite and not elbow anyone out of the way.

It was cute how efficient he was actually. He’d dutifully
made the list that morning while Buffy tossed things out here
and there while flipping through channels. She’d watched him
as he diligently wrote down everything they needed, thinking
aloud and then jotting things down. He’d kept pushing his hair
out of the way and pushing up his glasses. She’d studied him
when he didn’t think she was looking and Buffy realized just
how cute he was. Maybe ‘cute’ wasn’t strong enough. She’d
always thought he was cute, but watching him, she’d found
him adorable. Sweet. His blue sky blue eyes and the way he
pushed up his glasses with a slightly frustrated look on his
face, and the smile he’d give her.

“Buffy?”

Snapping fingers in front of her face while she
wandered off on Williams attributes was William himself.

“Uh, sorry. I zoned. What?”

“I got the eggs and I think these people want you to
get out of the way.”

“Oh, right,” she said, blushing, and strolled the cart
away.

“What were you thinking about?” William asked as
they turned down an aisle.

“Oh, nothing,” she hummed and continued on. “Did
you check off the eggs?”



“Oh no I didn’t!” he exclaimed and immediately grabbed his
paper and pencil and made his check mark by the eggs.

Buffy giggled. “You are too cute, William.”

“That right, pet?” he asked, grinning at her.

“Yep. All with the making of the lists and having to
check off everything as you go. It’s cute.”

“You know what was cute?”

She smiled up at him, “What?”

“You sliding across the kitchen floor in your pj’s
and socks.”

She giggled. “That was fun!”

“It must have been, you did it for a bloody half
an hour. Only stopping to drink your beer.”

“What was even better is when you fell on your
ass doing it,” and she burst out into a belly laugh.

William gave her a withering glare and then let
out a chuckle. When Buffy snorted, he started to full out
laugh even at the horrified look on her face. He couldn’t help
himself from gathering her up in his arms. This was what life
was Buffy was like. He never wanted to let it go.



“Will? You awake?” Buffy whispered as she
softly knocked on his door. She pushed at the door and it
opened slightly. She saw his legs on the bed. She pushed at
the door more and stepped inside. He was lying on his bed,
his back to her in nothing but his blue jeans and—oh my god—
no shirt. Her jaw dropped to the ground. The boy, from what
she could see of his back, had an incredible torso. How in
the world and WHY in the world did he keep it covered?

She’d known he had to be strong with the way he carried up his things effortlessly, but my God.

She stepped further into the room, wanting to get an even
better look.

“Buffy, what are you doing?”



She let out a very unladylike screech at that and jumped a
near mile. “That was rude!” she barked at him.

Rolling over, Will grinned at her. “No, what’s rude is coming
into my room and not waiting for permission.”

She pointed at him accusingly. “You did that on purpose!”

He smiled rakishly and sat up. “Well, yeah. Wanted to see
what you’d do. What’s up?”

Buffy found her eyes drifting to his chest. His perfect,
smooth, alabaster chest. Six pack, check. Defined muscle
tone, check. Hot, che—what the? Where the?

She took a full step back, “I’m uh, going to introduce myself to
the neighbors down below. Want to come with me?”

He furrowed his brow, “Thought it was just the one guy
Andrew?”

“Well, you never know. Plus there is a first floor too. Coming?”

“Yeah, let me just get my shirt,” he said and reached for it.

Buffy bit her lip, thinking ‘or not,’ then berated herself for
thinking that way about Will. It was WILL. Will her best friend.
Will that she trusted immensely and therefore had no penis.
WILL.

“Buffy?”

“Hmm?”

“You’re zoning again."

“Yeah, I uh . . . do that. Ready?”

He gave her a funny look and slipped into his sneakers.

Trudging down the stairs, Buffy planted herself in front of
Andrew’s door. She looked up at William. “Ready?”

“As I’ll ever be.”

Pushing the chime, she heard it ring and then listened for footsteps. Seconds later, the door swung open and Obi Wan Kanobe greeted them.

Chapter Four

"Andrew?" Buffy asked tentatively, staring at the blue eyed man with the solemn expression.

"Yes," he nodded once, slowly. "But for today, you can call me Ben."

"Uh, obviously we're disturbing you so—" William grabbed Buffy's arm
just as two others came bounding in from the other room. They too were
dressed in Star Wars garb.

"What's going on?" asked a short gentleman with dark hair and chocolate
brown eyes dressed all in white.

Buffy grinned. "Which one are you?"

He eyed her suspiciously. "Luke Skywalker."

"And I'm Anakin," the taller of the two spoke up, puffing out his chest.
Attached to his short dark hair, he had a long braid that came down from
the back of his head.

"I take it you're all going to see the show tonight," William asked and
tugged on Buffy's arm, bringing her closer to him.

"We are," Andrew said again, with the slight nod. "How may we help
you?"

Buffy giggled. "We're your upstairs neighbors. We thought we'd come
down and say hello."

That seemed to snap ‘Ben' into life. He slapped on a bright smile and
lunged forward. "Hi! I thought you were going to sell me something. So
good to meet you. Do you think the robes make me look fat?"

Buffy tried not laugh considering he looked pretty serious about the
question.

"Dude, you don't look fat, would you give it up already?" Luke Skywalker
said. He looked up at Buffy and William. "He's so paranoid. He wanted to be
Yoda, but I wanted to be Yoda. It turned into a whole thing because," he
looked at Andrew, "all he does is whine when he doesn't get his way."

Andrew looked down at him, indignant and crossed his arms. "I do NOT!"

"So, Warren, oh, and I'm Jonathan. Anyway, Warren" he pointed at Anakin, "thought it'd be cool for Episode 3 to
dress up as Obi Wan, Luke and Anakin. You know the lineage and all that.
Say, do you want to be Leia?"

"Yeah!" Warren/Anakin burst out. "The Leia in the gold bikini?"

"No!" William piped in quickly. "I mean, uh, no. She doesn't have a costume—"

"I do!" Andrew said excitedly clapping his hands together.

Off William and Buffy's looks Jonathan nudged her with his elbow and
muttered, "Don't ask."

Buffy just nodded in agreement.

"We just wanted to come down and meet you," William finally managed to
finish.

"Come back anytime!" Andrew said brightly. "I'll be happy to show you my
Star Wars collection."

"Like yours is any good," Jonathan muttered.

"Better than yours!" Andrew exclaimed.

"Would you guys shut up? We all know MINE is better. I at least have
Chewy. What the hell kind of collection can you have without Chewy?"
Anakin said patronizingly. He looked at Buffy and William.

"Nice to meet you all," Buffy said politely as William inched her towards
the door.

"We're not usually like this, but it's . . . Star Wars ya know?" Jonathan said
eagerly, getting a far off look in his eye.

"I know," William nodded, tugging on Buffy. "And we'll leave you to it."

"Dude, I think you scared them," Warren was heard saying as William
finally managed to drag Buffy out and push her up the stairs.

"Did they scare you Will?" Buffy teased as they entered their apartment.

"I'm not going to lie to you Buffy, they did freak me out a little."

Buffy giggled. "I thought they were cute!"

He looked at her as if she had three heads. "Cute? They're kind of fanatic,
Buffy."

She shrugged. "Everyone's got a thing. I remember how bad you had it for
Katie Holmes on Dawson's Creek."

William shook his head. "Am I ever going to live that down?"

"Nope!"

"I didn't around dressing like Pacey . . . or Dawson. Or , you know, her."

"I used to dress up as Wonder Woman when I was a kid. I wanted to be
her."

William smiled fondly at her. "Really? I would have loved to see that."

She nodded vigorously, "I even had Wonder Woman underwear."

William blushed profusely at that. "All right then. We got the meeting of
the neighbor's out the way. Now what?"

"Let's go to the Palladium!" Buffy said excitedly, clapping her hands
together.

William groaned, "I was thinking dinner . . . "

"We'll do that first and then go. Come on Will, it'll be fun."

"Yeah, fun for you. You can dance."

Buffy grinned. "I'll teach you."

"Gee. Can't wait," William monotoned and Buffy hit him playfully.



It was the same thing every time. William honestly didn't know why she
insisted on dragging him along. She'd go off and dance her little heart out
and he'd sit at their table and wait for her. Sometimes Willow and Xander,
their friends, would join them and bring their significant others, and
sometimes they wouldn't.

Watching her though, the way she danced so carefree and seemed
completely oblivious to the throng of men around her vying for her
attention and hoping to be the one she crooked a finger at to join her, he
knew why he came. She was simply breathtaking to watch. She was so
vibrant and . . . sexy. Yes, his Buffy was sexy. He might a ‘geek' but he was
still a man. He frowned. Though how much of a man he wasn't sure. He'd
never even had sex . . .

So, yes, he came to watch his Buffy dance her little heart out and think
about the day he could join her carefree-ness and not care who was around
him. Just as long as Buffy was by his side. He also came to protect her. He
frowned again. How much protecting could he do though? He wasn't a
fighter. He was just, Christ, he was just pathetic. Any of those men could
pummel him. Beat him to a bloody pulp and Buffy would rush to his rescue
like she did in high school when Finn shoved him in a locker. How could he
protect her? How could he hope to?

"Hello dearie," a purring voice greeted him.

He looked up to see a lovely dark haired woman with expressive black
eyes, smiling down at him. She smiled as if she knew a secret and it made
William a tad uneasy as well as intrigued.

"Hi," he said slowly, uncertainly.

"I'm Drusilla," and she stuck out a skinny arm. He wondered how someone
could make a handshake look so elegant. That was the only way to describe
the fluid movements she used.

"W-William," he took her hand lightly and she smiled wider and, not letting
go of his hand, plopped herself down across from him. She caressed his
hand soothingly.

"So handsome and shy," she murmured. She sounded as if she were talking
to herself.

"E-excuse me?"

"I see so much in you. So much . . . fire. And strength."

He had to chuckle at that. "You see that in me?"

She nodded, grasping his hand to her chest. "I do."

He gulped. She was actually pretty mesmerizing. His eyes darted to Buffy
who was now chatting with some dopey bloke. He looked back to Drusilla.
"Can I get you a drink?"

Buffy glanced over from her talk with the one guy who dared burst through the group ogling her and spotted William talking with some dark haired Goth chick. Her brow furrowed as she tried to decipher if she knew the girl and if she was bothering William, or if he was interested in her. He had a tendency to get shy around females, her excluded of course, but by the way he was watching this one with what could only be described as fascination, Buffy felt something akin to jealousy. She didn’t much like the feeling as it so happened. She felt . . . twitchy. Almost like her hands were itching. Itching to pull the Goth girl away from William, maybe even gouge an eye out and then brand William as hers.

Hers? What exactly did that mean aside from
the obvious protectiveness and possessiveness she felt
concerning William? He was hers to an extent. Her best
friend, her rock, her—well, her everything. Okay, wait. Her
EVERYTHING? So now he was not only hers, but now he
was her everything? She shook her head, it was the move.
The move was making her feel a little off. He was her roommate and the only familiar thing in her new surroundings and of course she felt possessive over him. Jealous, even. It was a whole safety thing brought on by change and that was it. She glanced over again and saw the girl touch Williams face. Okay, time to see what was going on.

“Uh, hi?” the guy said as she marched away and Buffy
barely noted it. Not like it mattered anyway. She wouldn’t be
making time with him. Not only was he not her type, cemented
by the fact that she already couldn’t remember his name, but
she had a rule about going out with William like this. She could
dance to her hearts content, but she was not going to spend
the entire time with some guy and ignore William all night. She
often told would be suitors that he was her brother. In that
way, she was sure they wouldn’t try anything funny, or
expect her to hang out with them all night. She knew William
wasn’t keen on these types of places, so she tried to make it
as much fun as she could for him.

Approaching the table, she frowned when she
was ignored. Perhaps it sounded arrogant to say that William
always paid attention to her the second she walked in a
room.

Buffy slid into the seat next to William. “Hi, who
are you?” she asked pointedly.

The girl sat back and stared at her darkly,
almost distastefully.

William pried his eyes away from her and turned
toward Buffy. “Buffy, this is Dru. Dru, this is Buffy.”
Dru’s studied her now, “Hello sunshine.”
Buffy raised her eyebrows at her. “It’s Buffy.
How do you know Will?”

Dru leaned forward and grabbed Williams hand
in hers, smiling at him, “We just met.”

Buffy wanted to pry the woman’s fingers off of
William’s. Who the hell was she and how did she know they
weren’t together? It was insulting!

“Will, I’m ready to go home now. Come with?”

He seemed torn which only fueled the rage
building inside Buffy. He actually WANTED to hang around the
vapid ho? Please. William had more sense and more taste
than that.

“Leaving me so soon, my Spike?” Dru purred,
gazing at him.

“Spike? Your Spike?” Buffy said, her jaw
dropping. “His name is William. Maybe you didn’t hear over the
din in here, but he is definitely not a Spike.”

Dru raised a brow and narrowed her
eyes. “He’s a Spike. My Spike.”

Buffy stood slowly, placing her hands on the
table. “All right, you know what you can do Miss Dracula’s
wife, you can—“

“Okay, okay,” William jumped up and placed a
hand over Buffy’s mouth. “I uh, think I should go with Buffy
right now Dru. I’m sorry.”

Buffy started to say that he didn’t have to
apologize to her, but her voice was muffled by William’s hand
still over her mouth.

Dru snapped her fingers at the waiter going by.
She stood, eyeing Buffy and grabbed the pen out of the
waiter’s shirt and asked for a piece of paper sweetly. The
waiter handed it to her and gave Buffy a funny look.
Scribbling, what was probably her phone number down; Dru
sauntered over to William and slid her number into his pants
pocket.

“Call me,” she purred and sauntered away,
gazing at him over her shoulder.

Buffy lunged, as much as she could in William’s
arms. She didn’t like the look on his face. The stunned,
intrigued and –turned on? look on his face. It hurt.

“You going to stop?” William asked sternly.

She glared at him, trying to cover up the fact
that she was hurt by his tone and actions. She nodded and
he released the hand over her mouth and around her waist.

She was so angry with him; she didn’t even
want to speak to him. So, she spun on heel and marched
away from him.

Once outside, William grabbed her arm. “Buffy,
stop,” he said on a weary sigh.

She wrenched her arm from him. “What the hell
was that about?”

“You were being rude!” he exclaimed.

“I was being rude? She was GLARING at me
William. Or is it Spike now? I can tell you right now I’m not
fucking calling you that!”

“Why are you being such a bitch?”

Her jaw dropped. “You just call me a bitch?”

“You were being rude from the start Buffy. I
was fine. I didn’t need you to come and rescue me,” he told
her indignantly.

“Oh no? Because she’s a great choice for a
date. Maybe she’ll suck your blood and turn you into a blood
sucking fiend on your first date.”

“What about the little prat you were talking to?
He looked like SUCH the gentleman.”

“We were just talking, he didn’t have his hand
down my pants!”

“I’m surprised with the way you were dancing!”

Buffy reared back from the blow of that
comment. Her heart dropped and she felt suddenly winded.
He might as well have kicked her in the gut. Regret instantly
washed over his face at that and he started to reach for her.
She backed off and now he was the one that was hurt.

“I don’t want to be around you right now,” she
told him coldly.

“Buffy, I’m sorry—“

“No, it’s all right. Now I know what you really
think,” and she turned away from him, wrapping her arms
around herself and walking away.

“Buffy, are you going home?”

“Yes.”

“I’m coming with you.”

“No.”

“I live there too.”

“I’m going home to my parents. Good night. . .
WILLIAM.”

Chapter Six

Buffy entered the grey two story colonial she grew up in and let out breath she felt she'd been holding since she moved in. She hadn't realized how nice it was to come home. She'd been in such a rush to move out and now that she was in the place she'd been in such a rush to get out of, she felt homesick. Which was odd considering. She thought back to the many times—just last week to be exact—that her and William had burst through the door laughing about something or other.

"Buffy?" her mother asked, coming to greet her in the foyer. "What's going on? Where's William?"

"He's um, at the apartment."

Her mother stepped forward, "Are you all right?"

Buffy nodded, "Yeah. Is it all right if I stay here tonight?"

Joyce, her mother, studied her suspiciously. "Buffy. What happened?"

"William and I just had an argument of sorts," Buffy mumbled.

"Would you like me to make some cocoa and you can tell me about it?"

Buffy nodded. "I'm just going to see if I have any pj's left here okay?"

Joyce nodded slowly, "I'm sure you do. Your dad's in bed, so be extra
quiet."

"Where's Dawn?"

"At a friends."

"Kay, be right back." She made the ascent up the stairs and breathed deep.
Her house, the familiar smell her apartment did not have. She didn't realize
how much she would miss a scent. The scent of home. Pushing the door
open to her abandoned room, she took note of the dresser that still stood
there that she hadn't been able to fit in her new room. She also took note
that her mother had already started the set up of a reading room there.
She closed her eyes and conjured up the image of her old room. Inevitably,
William came to mind and she saw him sitting on her bed watching her as
she got ready to go out. He always watched her go from no makeup to
makeup. Or, as she liked to call it, "Putting on her face". He'd often tell her
she didn't ‘need that crap'.

God, she was pathetic. She'd only spent what? One night at her apartment
with William and she was already home and feeling homesick? Course, she
hadn't realized it till she pulled into the driveway. She figured it had to do
with the fact that she'd just argued with William, something they rarely
ever did and that he'd hurt her feelings, something he NEVER did, AND she
realized she'd been jealous—something she never was concerning William.
She often didn't understand why women didn't pay more attention to him.
He had a heart of gold and she'd never found him ugly. She'd found him
cute until that afternoon when she'd upped to it adorable. Oh and then
there was the moment she'd seen him sans shirt. . .

She whipped open her drawer and rummaged through it, looking for just a
pair of capri's and a t shirt or tank at least. Finding both, she strutted off to
her bathroom. The bathroom she didn't have to share with a boy.

So yes, she thought, as she tugged off her clothes and replaced them, she'd
never been jealous like that concerning William. So why now?

She stared at herself in the mirror. Her hair was not dark like Dru's. Her
eyes were not dark either, and her nose was shaped funny. What did William see in her? God, why was this bothering her so much! He was a boy
in need of a girl. Just as she was a girl . . . well, she wasn't really in need of a
boy. She had enough changes to get used to. A new apartment, a new life, a
new job—all of things meant she did not have time for a boy. Where was
William finding the time all of a sudden.

"Just stop thinking about it!" she growled at her reflection and nearly
stomped off downstairs to see her mother.



"So, can you tell me about this argument you had with Will?" Joyce asked,
sliding Buffy's cocoa to her.

Buffy nodded slowly, staring into her cup and the bobbing marshmallows
William liked so much. She told her mother everything from the time she'd
gone over to see William with Dru to when she made the decision to leave.

"Buffy, honey, do you have feelings for William?" Joyce asked gently.

Buffy knit her brows together. "No," she said emphatically. Then, "What do
you mean?"

Joyce smiled, "I mean, do you think of William as more than a friend?"

"Jesus, mom what is this? High school?" Buffy said, rolling her eyes.

"Well, you weren't understanding, so I thought I had to spell it out."

"I – I don't know what I'm feeling," Buffy stumbled on her words,
frustrated that she couldn't define or articulate properly what she was
feeling.

"Buffy, honey, you and William have been best friends for a long time.
You've been nearly inseparable. Where there's one, there's the other.
You've always depended on William to be there. It's like you've been in this
bubble together and when you do date, you expect William to be there and
not have anyone—"

"That's not true mother, I don't want William to be alone!" Buffy protested.


"Buffy, just listen," Joyce said calmly, placing a hand on her arm.


"I think your feelings for William run deeper than you've ever allowed
yourself to think. And I think you better figure it out before you lose him.
You can't keep a leash on him Buffy and expect him to always be there,
waiting. He has a life to lead as well as you. It's selfish to think he won't
want someone in his life. And if you want that person to be you, then you
need to do something about it."



Buffy's thoughts lay heavy in her mind that night and she found sleep
difficult. Her mother was right. She couldn't say she didn't understand why
women didn't fawn over William in one breath and then get inappropriately
upset when they did in the next. She also couldn't expect to be able to date
and then go home to William and have him always be there as if he had
nothing better to do. She was selfish. The thought brought tears to her
eyes. More so that she could have hurt William. And yet, she thought as she
turned on her back on the lumpy couch, William had hurt her too. It was
obvious he thought her a tramp. Which was plain ridiculous. She never
slept around. She only had sex in semi-serious relationships. She'd only
been with . . . three men. Okay four counting that one one-night stand she
never told anyone about. Not a skank, now way, no how. So she liked to
shake her tail feather. It wasn't her fault all the pervs came along to ogle
her. They ogled plenty of other girls that did the same thing! It just really
hurt that William saw her that way. It also really hurt that he seemed
interested in that bride of Dracula freak. . . Sitting up Buffy knew there was
no way she was going to fall asleep. As much as her body yearned for it, she
needed to work this out with William. Climbing off the couch, she gathered
her things, deciding to come back for what was left tomorrow. She left a
note and locked the door behind her.

When she arrived at the apartment, she noticed light bouncing off the
windows and knew that William had to be watching TV. Climbing up the
stairs, she wondered if he'd still be awake and she actually felt afraid. She
wasn't sure why except that she didn't want to argue with William, she just
wanted it to be over already.

Unlocking the door, she crept inside.

"Buffy?" his sweet, sleepy voice came across the room to greet her.

She stepped into the living room. "Hi."

He sat up from his laying position on the couch. "What are you doing here?"

She smirked, "I live here."

"Thought you were staying at your mothers," he retorted.

"I was. But I couldn't sleep," she murmured, ignoring the hard tone in his
voice.

"Why not?"

"Because we argued and I didn't like it. I wanted to come here and work it
out. I guess its not very mature of me to run home when we have a
problem."

"I guess you're right."

She sucked at this, she really did. "Okay, great. Well, good night!" she
started for the bedroom.

William stood. "Buffy."

She stopped and turned to him. "William."

In two strides, they were hugging.

"You're not a tramp or a ho or any of those other things you called Dru," he whispered in her hair.

"I'm sorry I was so rude William." She swallowed, "I-if you like her, I won't
say anything about you seeing her." Even if she is all wrong for you, she added in her head.

"I don't like it when we fight Buffy. I missed you."

"I missed you too. I'm sorry."

"Stop apologizing. I'm sorry."

"You stop apologizing too!"

He chuckled. "Want to watch some Nick at Nite with me?"

She looked up at him and smiled. "Sure thing roomie."


I will say there will be some S/D, but nothing TOO bad. Trust me :)

Chapter Seven

“Will? Can I come in?” Buffy asked uncertainly as she
knocked on his closed door. They’d gotten up together that
morning and had gone to Home Depot to see about paint and
other things they needed for the apartment. After assembling
some shelves for the bathroom and living room, they’d had
lunch and then they’d retreated to their bedrooms. At first
Buffy had been fine just putzing around her room and
decorating it, but then her mind started to drift to the night
before and Drusilla.

She bit her lip as she distinctly remembered a phone
number being given. Did he plan to call? Had he already while
in his room? And why in the freaking hell had she told him
she was all right with him dating her? Because it’s his life, the
voice in her head scolded her. His life, yes, she answered
back, but what if he fucks it up? Not your call, the voice
answered back. Buffy wrinkled her nose. She hated not
having control. She also hated this jealous feeling she had.
Just the thought of Drusilla’s hands on William sent Buffy in a
tailspin. It was then that she had marched across the
apartment to his room to see him. She had to know, plus, if
she took up his time, then he wouldn’t call her, now would
he? Maybe he even lost the number already.

“Come in,” she heard him say almost weakly.

Opening the door she found him doing pushups of all things.
She gulped. His chest was bare.

“Thirty,” William grunted before rolling onto his back and
looking up at her with a grin. “Hi.”

She smiled, “What are you doing?”

“Working out.”

“Why?” Was it for Drusilla?

His smile faded, “Why not? You’re not the only one that likes
to look good Buffy. I realize that I’m not much to look at, but
what I do have I’d like to maintain,” he said grumpily and shot
up off the floor and grabbed a towel that was nearby.

“William, I didn’t mean it like that—“

“It’s all right Buffy. You don’t have to back pedal.
By the way, I’m going out with Dru tonight,” he said sharply
and strode out of the room towards the bathroom.


Buffy stood there, stunned. What the hell had
just happened? ‘Why’ she asks. No wonder he was
offended. He thought she was making fun of him. That idea
rolled around in her mind for a while and soon, it gave way to
anger. How DARE he think she was making fun of him! In all
the years they’d known each other, Buffy had NEVER played
upon his insecurities like that. She knew how sensitive he
could be and the idea that he thought she would make fun of
him . . . it made her blood boil. It was like he didn’t know her at
all and had no regard for their friendship.

Stalking to the bathroom door, Buffy stood with
her hands on her hips and glowered at the door as if it were
William. She could hear the water running so at the top of her
lungs she yelled, “I hope you have a fan-fucking-tastic time
tonight William!!”

Childish, yes. Did she much care? No. Instead she continued
to do what any immature person would do. She grabbed her
purse and headed out. She didn’t want to be around to see
William before his date with Dru. She didn’t want to see him
get dressed up and put on cologne and look so handsome for
her. She didn’t want to acknowledge that he was seeing her
tonight nor did she want to acknowledge the tears cascading
down her cheeks and what they could possibly mean.



Willow opened the door to see her best friend with a huge fake smile plastered on her face. “What’s going on?” she

asked immediately.

“What?” Buffy’s smile faltered. “What do you
mean?”

Willow pointed at her, her green eyes
narrowing. “You have a fake smile. You only have that smile
when something happened that you’d rather ignore until it
goes away. Which it never does, may I remind you.”

“Can I come in before the psychoanalyzing?”
Buffy asked on a sigh.

Willow stepped aside and ushered her
in. “How’s the apartment? Sorry I haven’t had a chance to
see it yet. Been busy with my own.”

Buffy looked at her in question.

“Had a plumbing problem, but as of this
afternoon, it’s all fixed,” she said on a tired sigh and ran a
hand through her short, vibrant red hair. “Come, sit down on
my nice comfy couch and tell me what happened. Drink?”

“Tequila?”

“At five? Starting early?

“Joking. Coke?”

“Coming up,” Willow said, entering her kitchen
as Buffy flopped down on her sofa and peered out the
window the sofa was directly in front of. Willow had moved
into her own place during college. Under sad circumstances
however. Her mother had died and she couldn’t stand living
with her father, so she’d used the inheritance her mother left
her and moved out. Now, she had a job as a nurse and was
toying with the idea of going on to doctor. Willow had drive,
that much Buffy could say. Buffy frowned as she picked at the sofa pillow in her lap. What kind of drive did she have? She’d been perfectly content to go into college undeclared for a couple years and then decide to finish out taking some law courses to become paralegal. Which she had been fine with. Until now. Until this very second. Where it all was coming from all of a sudden, she wasn’t sure.

“How’s the job?” Willow asked, coming back in and setting
down her Coke on the coffee table. She sat down in the arm
chair across the room and crossed her legs looking like some
kind of regal movie star.

“It’s all right. Just starting and all that. Waiting for
the moment when I don’t feel dumb because I’m new and still
don’t know much.”

Willow smiled gently. “Yes, that will pass.
Imagine taking blood the first time.”

Buffy grimaced. “No thanks.”

“How’s the apartment?”

Buffy took a deep breath. “Fine.”

“Liar.”

“Will has a date tonight,” Buffy blurted out. “And
I don’t like her. Her name’s Drusilla and she looks like the Bride
of Frankenstein without the Marge Simpson hair. She calls
him SPIKE and was draped all over him like a cheap coat—is
that the right saying? I always get it wrong. I don’t like her
Willow and he’s mad at me right now and I’m pretty pissed at
him and I’m so. . . just so . . . “

“Jealous?” Willow supplied.

“Yes!”

“Because you’re in love with him,” Willow said easily.

That met with silence.

“Well?” Willow prodded.

“I don’t want him to get hurt,” Buffy said weakly.

“He’s a big boy, Buffy. You have this knack for
coddling him a lot of the time. Come to think of it, he has that
knack with you too.”

Buffy shrugged. “So? We look out for each other.”

“Buffy, you look out for him as if you’re afraid
for him to make new friends.”

“That’s not true!” Buffy exclaimed indignantly.

“I think you’re in love with him Buffy. I’ve always
thought so. I also think that once you figure that out, you’ll
make your life a whole lot easier.”

Buffy furrowed her brow. “Love easy? Are you nuts? How
is admitting I’m in love with Will—IF I were, which I’m not—
going to make my life easier?”

Willow grinned knowingly and secretly. “Can’t tell.”

“You suck.”

Willow shrugged, unfazed. “So, what do you
want to do? Sit here and bitch about William and his date or
go hunt them down and see what they’re up to?” she leaned
forward, smiling conspiratorially.

Buffy stared at Willow in surprise. “You’re pure
evil.”

Willow smiled broader and sat back. “I know,”
she said proudly.

Buffy grinned, “I like it.”

Chapter 8

William's hand had trembled when he dialed Dru's number. He also felt a pang a guilt with a slight side of anger that served to assuage the guilt. To sum up, he'd lied to Buffy. He hadn't made plans for a date with Dru before her innocent ‘why?' to his workout regime. Did she think that nothing could ever help his appearance? Was he a lost cause when it came to looking good? Was he destined to be her sidekick for the rest of his life?

So he'd called Dru out of anger at Buffy. She made him uncomfortable, in an
‘out of my league' kind of way. Which was odd considering she was the one
who had made her interest clear. You couldn't be out of someone's league if
they made the play for you. However, he was starting to think there was
something to Buffy dubbing her Bride of Dracula. She had an affinity for lots
of black and Goth wear. Then, there was the way she draped herself over
him, spoke to him in metaphors he didn't quite understand and with the
touching so soon and so much.

Not knowing too much about the dating world, but enough to get by, he
figured he'd take her out to a nice dinner, despite being completely cashed,
and maybe out to a movie. Drusilla wasn't like most birds, William soon
realized. She wanted to go someplace dark and loud with lots of grinding
bodies and smoke. In short, it was a club that had a slight S&M theme to it.
Not at all the type of thing he was used to and not at all the type of place he
could picture ever taking Buffy.

He was on a date. Why was he thinking of Buffy?

He'd long given up shifting and adjusting in his seat to fend off Dru's
wandering hands and just sat back, taking long gulps of his beer to calm his
nerves, and letting Dru ramble on about the ‘people finding their pleasure
in pain'. Or was it pain in pleasure? He wasn't sure. Despite his discomfort,
William was trying to make the best of it. He was taking Buffy's advice in
the ‘nothing ventured, nothing gained' variety and was trying to see if he
could gain any information on this new world Dru was introducing him to. If
he wanted to change and break out of his shell to become more of the man
he felt he needed to be then he had to start somewhere. Buffy would tell
him to think outside the box, and see beyond what was in front of him. So,
a) asking a woman out, and b) exposing himself to different modes of living
was bound to teach him something he could apply. Right? Well, he hoped
so. And, as the alcohol started to course through his body and make certain
parts of him numb and relaxed, he found Dru's touching wasn't all that bad.
It was actually kind of . . . arousing.

"Tell me about your sunshine, dearie," Dru said, leaning in close and gazing
at him with that kind of unwavering gaze that had him averting his eyes.

"My sunshine?" he asked dumbly.

"The guard dog that barked at Mummy last night," Dru said, slightly
pouting.

She wasn't talking about Buffy was she? He soon realized she must be.
Guard dog, sunshine—who else would she be talking about? Great, now he
was starting to understand her weird way of talking about things. Couldn't
she have just asked how Buffy was? Buffy, Buffy, Buffy. Why did
everything lead back to Buffy? Couldn't he have one night without having
her make cameos in his mind?

"She's my roommate," William said flatly.

Dru smiled almost sadistically. "Naughty boy, lying to Mummy in such a
way!"

William blinked. "What?"

"She's more than that, my Spike."

"Why do you keep calling me that?" he asked, frowning.

She shrugged, "It's what I see in you."

"You see a Spike in me?"

"It's not the name my sweet that matters, it's the persona. It's the man
inside you itching, aching, burning to break free and meet the world," her
hands scratched at her arms, leaving pink tracks down her arms. Her eyes
were wild with intent "I see it all around you," now her arms wove in circles
around his head. "The urge, the desire, the passion you keep laden inside
yourself. Break free of the shell!" Her hands stopped weaving and she
spread her fingers wide. "Embrace Spike and all he possesses and then,
you'll find your sunshine." Her eyes bore into him and god, he found himself
under some kind of spell. He could almost SEE what she was speaking of.
He did have passion inside of him; he had so much inside of him just dying
to break free. She made it sound so easy, she made it seem feasible.

"Help me?" he asked weakly.

Dru smiled broadly, her eyes glinting even in the dark, smoky club. "I will
help you."



Buffy was starting to worry. She glanced at the time on the VCR for what
felt like the hundredth time. It was almost one-thirty. Where the freaking
hell was William? She and Willow had scoured the city looking for him and
had come up with jack in the squat of finding him.

Buffy jumped up from the couch, her heart racing with worry. She started
to pace, trying to assess any and all places William could be with the
vampiric Drusilla. And really, what kind of name was that? She was just
asking for all kinds of comments with that name.

"Her name's probably something simple like Jane, or funny like Fanny and
she changed it to be all ‘cool' and stuff. What a weirdo—"

The door swinging open startled Buffy and she nearly jumped a mile.

"William?" she called out and rushed to the kitchen. The man carrying
himself into the kitchen certainly looked like William, but wasn't acting like
William. He had this swagger . . .

"William?" she asked again and flicked on the light in the kitchen.

"Bloody hell!"

It certainly looked like William. Sort of. There was something different
about him. Something in his eyes, in his face and in his stance, something
had changed, she just couldn't place it.

"Where the hell have you been?" she demanded.

William smirked, "Keeping tabs on me luv?"

Her eyebrows flew off her head. "You are drunk! You didn't drive home did
you?"

"Bloody hell, would you stop fucking coddling me!"

Buffy's eyes widened. Where had that come from? For one thing, William
hardly EVER swore and for another he'd never yelled at her like that
before.

"That's the second time in two days you've yelled at me. I don't like it,"
Buffy said pointedly. "It's her. She's making you act like this—"

"No, she's not. She hasn't done anything that I haven't wanted to do."

"What the hell are you talking about William?"

"It's not William," he slurred slightly.

"Oh no," Buffy murmured.

"It's Spike."

"Is it now? I'm not calling you that."

"Why not?"

"Because it's dumb?"

"Suit yourself, BUFFY."

"It's a nickname you moron."

"So is Spike. It's the name I prefer. It's the name of the man I want to be."

"Well, if a raving asshole is who you want to be, then congratulations."

He shrugged. "Spike isn't a raving asshole. He's just a man who knows what
he wants and goes after it is all." He stepped closer to her. So close that she
could feel his breath on her face. "Think you can handle it?" he asked
deeply.

She looked up at him and met his eyes, a retort of ‘hit me with your best
shot' on the tip of her tongue. However, when her eyes met his blue ones
and she noticed not for the first time just how incredibly handsome he
was—and so TALL—she found herself lost. Her eyes fell on his lips and she
moistened her own with her tongue subconsciously.

He smirked and spun around, heading for the bathroom. "Night Sunshine."

He'll sleep it off and be back to William tomorrow, Buffy thought, I hope.

Chapter Nine

Buffy woke up after a restless night wondering what she would greet once she stepped foot outside her bedroom door. Would William be William or would William be Spike? She rolled her eyes. Spike. What the freaking hell kind of nickname was that? She frowned. No better than Buffy she supposed. However, in her defense, her younger sister gave that to her when she was trying to say "Beth" since "Elizabeth" just wasn't cutting it.

"I've got the world on a string, sitting on a rainbow . . . " William was up and
belting out Sinatra.

She smiled broadly and jumped out of bed to greet him. Apparently he
wasn't hung over which meant he would hopefully be in a good mood, which
meant he wouldn't be such an ass to her today.

She burst open the door and found William pulling out the milk from the
fridge.

"Morning," she said hesitantly. He sounded like he was William, he almost
looked like William, but as she learned last night looks can be deceiving.

He turned to her. "Hello, luv."

"How are you feeling?"

"Fine and yourself?"

"Good," she said slowly. "William, about last—"

"Spike," he jumped in, correcting her.

"Excuse me?"

"It's Spike, remember?"

She stared at him, studying him closely. His posture was different. He
wasn't slouched anymore. He stood tall and proud and when he walked, he
more swaggered and strolled rather than shuffling his feet.

"What happened with Drusilla last night?" Buffy asked, afraid to hear the
answer.

William smiled broadly, "We had a good time."

"Care to elaborate?"

"Nope," William chirped and poured some milk. "What about you? What did you do? Want some milk?"

"Uh, I . . . yeah to the milk. I hung out with Willow."

"What did you birds do?"

To lie or not to lie, that is the question.

"Not much. Just hung out. Where'd you go last night?"

William turned to her, smirking. "It's killing you isn't it?"

"What is?"

"Not knowing what I was doing."

"William, did you have sex with her?"

His smirk fell. "It's Spike. Why are you having such a hard time with that?"

"Because I don't like it. It's not you. You're William. I'm not going to call
you some moniker that lunatic came up with."

"She's not a lunatic."

"Right. And monkeys might fly out of my ass."

"Such a cute ass it is too."

Her eyes widened and her mouth dropped. "All right. What the hell is with
this multiple personality disorder you've suddenly developed? You going to
tell your parents to start calling you ‘Spike' now too?"

"Sure, why not?"

"Because it's DUMB. William, what's going on? Why can't you talk to me?"

He stared at her, his eyes pained. "You don't see me. Not yet."

"I do see you."

"No, you see stupid, dependable, pushover William. You see the lap dog
that follows you and does your bidding. You don't see ME."

"You're not my lap dog—"

"You're right. I'm not. Not anymore," and he placed his cup in the sink and
strolled quickly into his bedroom, shutting the door.

Buffy stood there, trying not to well up in tears. "You're my best friend,"
Buffy whispered. "And I feel like I've lost you."



********************************************************************************************

Spike stood in front of the mirror, staring at himself. Dru had told him last night that it wasn't enough to make changes on the inside, but you had to also do it on the outside so people would take you more seriously.

She'd done wonders for him last night. She'd thrust him out in the world
and shown him what treasures awaited if he just let the man within loose. It
was the man that he wanted to be for Buffy, but never felt he could for
some reason. Dru told him last night that he could. She'd told him to walk as
if he owned the world, to talk as if what he said was important. He
remembered Buffy always telling him to speak up, always telling him to
hold his head high. Or, she warned him, the bullies of the world like Riley
Finn would think it was their right and duty to shove him in lockers.

It was amazing how with a few simple changes in walk and talk, he felt like
a completely different man. Especially when Dru had followed like a groupie
and wrapped herself around him on the dance floor, daring women with her
eyes to take her on for his attention.

He'd reveled in it. Women had gawked at him, leered, winked and stared
suggestively at him. AT HIM. He wanted Buffy to be there to see it. He
wanted her to know what it felt like to watch someone linger around her
with the intent to paw and claim ownership.

"You see, my Spike how they flock to you? How they want you? You shine,
my sweet."

He'd asked her what she wanted with him and she only smiled in answer.
He let it go. He'd find out sooner or later, he was sure. In the meantime, the
best thing he could do was hold on for the ride and let her work her magic.
Then Buffy would see him. She'd see the man he wanted to be, she'd see
the man inside and not the boy any longer. Then he'd have the right to
linger around her and claim her as his for all the world to see. He just
wished she'd stop fighting the transformation and accept it. Time, Dru had
said, give them all time.



******************************************************************************************



Buffy spent the day away from the apartment. It wasn't right that she felt
comfortable in the place she was supposed to now call home. She figured it
would be more like home if the person she was living with wasn't a stranger
to her anymore. Settling herself down in front of the fountain in the center
of the mall, she stared at the glistening copper coins at the bottom and
dipped her hand in, rippling the water that much more.

Okay, so William wanted to change himself. Fine. So he wanted to feel like
a man – But, wasn't he a man already? He certainly had the body of man,
the intellect of a man. What was it he exactly wanted to change? If he
wanted to come out of his shell more, she was all for it. She'd figured
moving out would help that in time. She thought a new life, a new path, and
William would come into his own. So, did this Drusilla rate? What was it
about her that designated her to be the special one to bring William out of
his shell? And why didn't William feel he could discuss any of it with her? It
hurt. She was supposed to be his best friend and all they'd done since that
stupid bitch had come into the picture was argue.

"Buffy Summers?"

Buffy's head jerked up to see "Riley?"

"It is you. How are you?" Riley hadn't changed much at all. His hair was
shorter, his build a tad bigger, but still the same Riley.

Buffy slid off the bench and stood. "It's good to see you. What have you
been up to?"

He beamed at her, "Well, I went to boot camp after high school for the
Coast Guard and then I decided to go to school in California. I decided I
missed home and came here to get a job."

"What do you do?"

"I'm a journalist."

"How exciting! So your parents are still here, right?"

"Yep, they are. Part of the reason I came back."

"I get that," Buffy said wistfully.

"What have you been up to?"

"Oh, little bit of this, little bit of that."

Riley grinned. "That's the Buffy I remember. Always so secretive."

Buffy smiled, "I don't mean to be."

"This is a shot in the dark, but would you want to get together some time?
Are you still friends with William?"

Buffy's smile fell a bit, "We are. We moved in together."

Riley nodded. "Oh really? Are you and he . . . ?"

"No. Not at all. Uh, sure, I'd like to get together sometime. Let me give you
my number."



*****************************************************************************************

"Do you like it sir?" the hair dresser asked as she spun William to the mirror. His straggly brown locks were gone. All gone. At his request, they'd clipped them away and cut his hair short. Then, they'd dyed it to a platinum blond. Currently, it was drying freely on top of his head and he could see the evidence of his unruly curly hair on top of his head. He studied himself. Gel, he was going to get some gel to tame that curl. The transformation though, was amazing. He didn't look the same at all. He smiled broadly and wondered what Buffy was going to think of it.

"I bloody love it," Spike said to his reflection.

Chapter Ten

“Buffy!” Spike shouted out for Buffy as soon as he arrived home.

Silence.

“Buffy, I saw your car, luv, where are you?”

She came out of her bedroom there a look of clear annoyance on her pixie face. “You don’t have to scream like a banshee--“ She stopped, her eyes widening. “Oh. My. God. What did you do to your hair?” she rushed up to him, reaching her hand out and touching it as if to make sure it was real. He grinned and leaned his head into her touch.

“Do you like it?” he asked studying her, trying to gauge her face for any signs of what she thought beyond shock.

“William, your curls are gone,” she said softly, almost mournfully.

He frowned, “Don’t you like it this way?”

“It’s. . . different.”

“That’s the whole sodding point, Buffy,” he said
tersely.

She stood back and crossed her arms. “All right, I
have an idea.”

“What is it?”

“Why don’t you tell me what the correct response
from me should be and I’ll just say it so you won’t bite my
head off every time I give my opinion on something. Since MY
opinion apparently sucks, and it’s not what you’re looking for,
why don’t you just TELL me what you want me to think and
say and do and I’ll do it so we won’t argue anymore?”

“I just want you to like it, Buffy,” Spike said gently. “I
want you to like me.”

“I do like you William, You’re my best friend. I just don’t
understand what’s going on with you and why. I want to
understand what’s happening with you but you won’t talk to
me.”

“Buffy—“ Spike started. The phone ringing cut him
off. “Just hold on. Hello? . . . Riley Finn?” His eyes darted to
Buffy, and his whole body tensed as anger unlike anything
he’d felt before ripped through him. “She’s right here,” he said
through clenched teeth and held out the phone to Buffy. She
averted her gaze from him and took the phone.

“We are not done,” Spike said angrily.

She nodded and took put the phone to her ear. “Hello?
Yeah, that was William. I’m good. . . Yeah, I didn’t expect to
hear from you so soon. . . “

As Buffy chatted, nervously, Spike bore holes into the
back of her head. His fists clenched and unclenched. He
wanted to punch the wall, the door . . . Riley Finn’s face.

“Sure, I’ll meet you after I get out of work. Yep, at
five.”

Wait, what? She was making PLANS with him? The
roar of anger ripped from his throat before he could stop
himself. William inside him wept.

“Uh, neighbors. Yeah, rowdy bunch. I gotta go Riley.
Okay. . . yep, bye.”

She hung up the phone and slowly turned to face
Spike.

“What the bleeding hell do you think you’re doing?”
Spike shouted at her. “You’re not going out with that wanker,
you understand me?”

“I’m sorry; did you change your name to Dad too?”
Buffy bit back at him.

“Do you remember what he did to me Buffy? How he
tormented me?”

“Yeah, in high school. I’d like to think we’ve all grown
up—“ she eyed him, “well, some of us anyway.”

“I don’t want you going out with him Buffy.”

“I don’t want you going out with Drusilla, but that’s not
going to change anything now is it?”

He stepped closer to her, grabbing her arms so that
they uncrossed and standing close enough that he could feel
her breasts against his chest and could smell the sweet
scent of her vanilla body lotion. He tilted her face up to meet
his. “Why Buffy? Why don’t you want me to see her?”

“What?” she whispered, her lip trembling slightly.

“Tell me why you don’t want me to see her,” he
stated, trying to calm his nerves and cease the hammering of
his heart in his chest. William didn’t crowd anyone; William
kept his distance and didn’t make such bold moves as this.
Spike wanted to though. Spike wanted her to tell him that she
was jealous of Dru. Spike wanted to rip Riley’s arms off and
beat him with them, and not because of what he did to him in
high school. No, he wanted to beat Riley for daring to move in
on Buffy. William was across the room sadly accepting that
Buffy was going out with Riley and lying to her when he
wished her a good time. He fought to keep himself rooted
where he was, fought to demand she tell him she was
jealous of Dru—she was, wasn’t she?

“Because I don’t like who you’ve become in the short
time you’ve known her. You’re not my William anymore.” She
stood back from him and shook her head. “I don’t even know
you anymore,” and she walked away from him.

“You do know me Buffy. This is me inside. This is the
man inside.” He called after her. He forced himself to stay
rooted where he was and not go after her. He wasn’t sure
which part of him wanted to take her in his arms and assure
her of him, but he knew it would scare her if he did.

“Then I was the one that was mistaken,” she said
sadly, “because I thought I knew you and I see now that I
was wrong.” She headed towards the door, grabbed her
purse on the kitchen table and started to open the door.

“Where are you going?” he asked, trying to keep the
desperation out of his voice.

“Out.”

“Where, Buffy?” he asked, striding across the room
and leaning over her, shutting the door with one hand as he
towered over her back.

“You don’t tell me anything anymore, why should I tell
you?”

“Because I’ll worry,” he said simply.

“Just let me go . . . Spike.”

He stared at the back of her head and released his
hand from the door. In an instant she was gone. He stared at
the door wondering why he felt saddened that she’d called
him Spike instead of William. Hadn’t he been on her case to do
just that? So then why should it bother him that she did it? It
wasn’t her accepting him as a man to call him Spike as he
had thought it would be. No, instead her calling him Spike
meant something entirely different—it meant something so
profound that he felt his world shift and give way. He just
lost something here.

Her. He lost her.

Calling him Spike meant she gave up on him. On whom
he was and who he could be, and, who he wanted to be.
This wouldn’t do. This wouldn’t do at all, he thought, shaking
his head. If he lost Buffy he had nothing. This wasn’t
supposed to happen. He missed something here; he screwed
it all up. He’d been too hard on her. He’d tried too hard to
show her how he changed, how he wanted to change and
in the process he drove her clear away.

Letting out an anguished cry, Spike went for the
phone and dialed Dru’s number frantically.

“Dru, I need your help,” he said into the phone as
soon as Dru picked up.

“Has the sun set this evening?”

“Yes,” he croaked. “I thought she’d like it . . . like me.
What do I do?”

“All will be well, my darling. All will be well.”

“How?”

“The sun will always rise for you, my Spike. Don’t you
trust me?”

Spike slid to the floor, and let William out as tears
seeped from his eyes. “I don’t know,” he told her honestly.

“She is your light, but I am the night. In darkness there
is strength to be found. Do not fear the dark, Spike. Once you
accept the dark, you’ll learn to mix the two.”

“Mix the light and the dark?”

“Yes.”

“How?”

“Time. Give it time.”

“I don’t want time, I want Buffy!” Spike shouted.

“Ah, see. It’s already happening.”

“I don’t understand,” Spike whimpered frantically.

“It’s simple. One word answer. Love.”

Chapter Eleven

Love. Of course. How did he manage to miss that? He supposed it was because he never gave it much thought. It was like breathing, or the sun setting, or waking up in the morning. It simply was. It was not love that was driving the wedge between them though. No, that was all him. He’d been so caught up in Buffy loving him back, in seeing him as a man and more than pushover William that he’d never thought to show her the love he felt. He wanted to be a man for her, but he wasn’t putting any of his love behind his actions.
And, it was about possession. Spike in him wanted her all to himself, wanted to possess her and brand her as his. William understood she was a free spirit and as such could not be possessed. There had to be a happy medium.

“Why Dru?” he whispered into the phone. “Why are you helping me?”

“So you’ll truly live,” she said simply.

“Why me?”

“So much all around you. Hope. Fear. Love. Doubt. No direction, just will. I couldn’t not help.”

“Do you . . . do you do this often?”

“That remains a secret, naughty boy. Now sshhh...think. What to do? What does Spike want to do?”

“He wants to find her and bring her back home. By her hair if I have to. He also wants to snap Rileys fingers off for touching her.”

She cackled, “Caveman, he is. And William? What does William wish? Think hard. I’m sure it’s not that far removed from Spike.”

Spike took a shaky breath. “He wants to find her and bring her back home. But with less violence to Riley.”

She laughed heartily. “That’s my boy. Now blend them. Make them. . . ONE.”
“Make William and Spike one?”
So that was the happy medium?

“Now he’s getting it . . . you must be one for the sun to come back.”
Spike gulped and nodded, not thinking how pointless that was since she couldn’t see him. Somehow though, he knew she understood.

“I have to go now, Dru.”

“Will Mummy see you tonight?”

“I uh. . . I have to find Buffy.”

“Tsk, tsk. Bad dog,” she scolded. “Too much fervor and the storm rolls in.
Lightening crashes and the rain pours, blinding reason.”

“Good-bye Dru, I’ll call you soon,” and he hung up. Getting to his feet, Spike wiped some errant tears away and straightened his gait. What Dru told him dashed across his mind, causing his thoughts to become befuddled. He only knew he had to get Buffy back. He just didn’t know how.

In the end he didn’t go after Buffy. He knew storming after her would only drive her further away. Even if she was with Finn.
He sat and pondered instead. He thought about how he’d always loved Buffy from afar, but had never admitted it to himself out of fear. He thought about the man inside of him, the one that wanted to stand up to the likes of Riley Finn and all those others that underestimated him and his abilities to be the stand up kind of guy that he knew was inside him all along. The man that Buffy needed. Why had he stopped himself from ever being him?

Fear.

There was that word again. What was it about fear that stopped you from doing what you most want? It was
crippling. It suffocated him; shut him inside a shell where he
pined away for Buffy and for a different lease on life. He’d
been afraid of what others would think, how they would
react to him. . .

He snorted. And look at how Buffy had reacted. Then again,
how could he blame her? Did he really think he could change
himself within a span of hours and have her just accept him?
He’d gone from Jeckyl to Hyde. How did he think she’d react?

He’d really bullocksed it all up. He was just so afraid of losing
her that he’d gone and inadvertently pushed her away and
blamed HER for not accepting him. William wouldn’t have done
that.

Of course. Combine the two to make one. Spike needed some
William and William needed some Spike. God, he was thick.
He really was a stupid git sometimes.



“He’s a . . . a . . git,” Buffy burst out, her words slightly
slurring now.

Riley looked at her, half confused and half amused. When
she’d suggested they go out for drinks instead of to a cafe,
he had no idea that he’d have a Buffy on a mission to get
sloshed on his hands. And, he had no idea when he’d asked
how William was these days; he’d get their biography over
the past few years. Apparently Buffy had a lot to get off her
chest. Not that Riley minded. He held no such illusion that he’d
ever get anywhere with Buffy Summers. That ship had sailed
no matter how he’d grown or what the passage of time
brought. Besides, he had a romance of his own that was
developing. He just thought it’d be nice to play catch up.

“What’s a git, Buffy?” Riley asked as she tipped back another
shot.

Buffy’s eyebrows knit together in confusion and Riley
couldn’t help but think how adorable it was.

“You know...I don’ know...” and then she laughed. “Jus’
somethin’ that William—Spike—says.”

“Buffy, do you love him?” Riley asked gently.

“Why does everyone keep askin’ me that?” she asked,
throwing her hands up in the air.

“Because I asked how William was and I got your history
from the moment you saved him from my bullying ways to
now. Plus, you seem awfully distressed over a haircut.”

“He dyed it Riley! It’s not JUST a haircut. And his curls!” She
waved her hand, “Gone!”

“I bet you don’t give much thought to Willow changing her
hair.”

“Well . . . no.”

“Which begs the question. Are you in love with him?”

“I’m hurt by him. I don’t understand him. He meets some...Goth
girl.... and he becomes ‘Spike’. He’s rude and demanding and
moody and,” she sniffled, “he’s not my William.”

“Well, Buffy...William was a wuss—“

“He was NOT a wuss!” Buffy exclaimed, glaring at
Riley. “And you’re very rude for saying so.”

“Okay, maybe ‘wuss’ was too strong a word.
He was...sensitive.”

“Nothing wrong with that,” Buffy said
indignantly, huffily crossing her arms and turning her head
away from Riley.

Riley sighed. Backtrack time. “Buffy, why do you think I
picked on him in high school? He was an easy target. He
always had his nose in a book, he just looked weak.”

“Are you trying to help here Riley?” Buffy asked
sarcastically. “Now I remember why I dumped you.”

“Look Buffy, all I’m saying is that maybe William got tired of
being someone that bullies picked on. Maybe he wanted to
change. Maybe, he wanted to get himself out of lockers
instead of you coming to save the day for him.”

Buffy’s lip quivered. “You mean maybe he doesn’t want me
around anymore?”

Chapter Twelve


"Buffy, you can't honestly think that—" Riley started.

"Well, why not? I mean all this changing he did after moving in together. He meets Drusilla and he's suddenly rude to me and all about me ‘seeing him' as if I didn't see him before. Let me tell you, I saw him. I saw a whole lot of him. And what I saw was nice," she waved her finger at Riley. "He's got these sculpted abs that are completely drool worthy and it made me wonder why he kept so much of that delicious flesh hidden all—"

Riley held up a hand, grimacing. "Buffy, please stop. Not sure if you realize
just how emasculating it is to sit here and hear you go on about another
mans attributes."

She shrugged. "I'm just trying to make a point."

"Are you? What is it?"

She knit her eyebrows again. "Damn. Oh! I got it again. My point is he's
been shoving me away since he met her. I'm supposed to be his best friend,
if he wants to make some changes, then I'm right there with him to fully
support him. All he's done is shove me away," her eyes welled up. "He
doesn't want me around. He wants her and his new life and this . . . Spike
guy."

"Maybe it was something he needed to do on his own Buffy without your
help."

"Instead he had her help!?" Buffy exclaimed. "How is that okay?"

"It wasn't your call to make. Maybe she saw something in him that you
never did."

That did it. Buffy started to cry, loud hiccupping sobs that caused people at
other tables to stare and murmur to each other.

"Okay then, I think its time we got you home," Riley said standing up and
moving around the table to help her out of her chair.

"No! I don't want to go to the apartment. I – I want to go home to my
mommy."

"Okay, Buff. Let's go home to your mom. You should probably call
William—"

"SPIKE!"

"Okay, Spike, and let him know where you are."

"No," she said petulantly, wiping tears away and pouting. "I don't want him
to know anything. Why should I tell him anything? He doesn't tell me
anything anymore." She allowed Riley to lead her toward the door;
unaware of the apologetic glances he gave the bartender and several
customers.

Once the air hit her, she seemed to right herself a bit. The silence however,
was a tad disturbing. She'd gone on and on all night and now she'd become
eerily quiet. Riley kept an eye on her, in part because he was concerned
about her welfare and in part because he didn't want her to get sick in his
car.

"Will my car be okay?" she asked in a small voice after a few minutes.

"Yeah, it'll be fine. If you want, call me in the morning when you're feeling
alive and I'll pick you up to get it," Riley advised.

"Thank you, but you don't have to say that."

"What do you mean?"

"I haven't exactly been a barrel full of monkeys tonight. I know you're
probably regretting asking me to go out."

Riley sighed. "Buffy, look, it's not like that anyway. I mean, I was glad to
run into you as an old friend. I'm kind of seeing someone—"

She looked up at him, smiling softly. "Really? That's great. Did you meet
her in school or boot camp?"

Riley beamed. "School."

"That's great, Riley," and she sounded sincere.

"Thanks. So listen, I don't ditch my friends because they can't hold their
liquor well."

Buffy laughed and then snorted, then promptly looked horrified.

Riley chuckled, "Or because they snort."

"Promise me you won't tell William."

"About how you got drunk?"

"That and where I am."

"That's not very mature."

She shrugged, "Don't care. Everyone's entitled to be a little immature
sometimes. Besides, it's not like he'll figure it out eventually."

"More like he'll think you stayed the night with me."

"Good. He's probably out with Elvira anyway," Buffy muttered.

"You don't have to admit it, but you are jealous of her aren't you?"

She looked at him, "Thank you from the department of the obvious."

Riley chuckled. "Because you're in love with him, right?"

She turned her head and stared back out the window.

Really, that was all the answer he needed.


*************************************************************

Spike was going out of his mind. He stared at the clock for the millionth time. Two minutes had passed since he last looked at it, but it was still two minutes longer that Buffy had not arrived home yet.

Jumping up from the couch, Spike started to pace. Where the fucking hell was she? If she was with him still . . . Spike growled at the thought. He would rip Riley to shreds for touching her.

"Feel like a bloody caged bird," he muttered to himself and made the
decision to go and find his girl and bring her home.

************************************************************

"Now Buffy, you don't have to tell me what happened—" Joyce started as she helped her daughter in bed after she'd unsuccessfully tried to undress and change in her intoxicated state. It was quite reminiscent of when Buffy had been learning how to dress herself and would get her shirts stuck on her head with one arm in a sleeve and the other out.

"Good, because I really don't want to get into it right now," Buffy said,
cutting her off.

"Can you tell me if it was William?"

"No," Buffy murmured as her eyes drifted shut against the cool pillow. "It was Spike."

***********************************************************

It was two in the morning when Spike pulled into the Summers driveway. Mama Summers was going to KILL him. On the other hand, if she hadn't heard from Buffy, then maybe he would have someone to worry with him.
He took a deep breath and climbed out of his car.

He set his hand in a fist and started for the door with his knuckles when
the door flung open.

"Hi Will."

Spike blinked. "Dawn? What are you doin' up?" he asked the shorter, dark
haired Summers girl.

"Couldn't sleep. Not with Buffy snoring—"

Spike started, "Buffy's here?"

Dawn eyed him, confused. "You didn't know?"

"No, I didn't know. I've been all over the bloody town lookin' for her—is
she all right?"

"She's passed out drunk."

"Drunk, you say?" Spike's jaw clenched. "So help me if that wanker did
anything to her or WITH her, I'll tear—"

"Will?"

Spike stopped abruptly. "Sorry, Bit."

Her eyebrows shot up. "Have you been drinking too? You sound funny. . .
Hey—your hair!"

"You wanna keep it down there, Bit? Don't want to wake—"

"Me?"

Joyce appeared at the top of the stairs, flicking on a switch and flooding the
hall and foyer with light.

Spike gulped. Joyce was a nice woman, but when provoked, a right scary
woman she could be. Especially when defending her girls. She was like a
Mama Bear defending her cubs.

"Come in William. Dawn, go to bed," Joyce ordered.

Dawn nodded and smiled at William before dashing up the stairs and off to
her room.

Spike shut the door and stared at the floor. "I'm sorry if I woke the house,
but when Buffy didn't come home, I got worried and went looking for her. I
knew she was out with Finn and I went a little crazy—"

"Will, stop. Breathe," Joyce said soothingly, placing a hand on his arm.

He looked up at her. "She all right then?"

Joyce regarded him. "You changed your hair."

"I did."

"I like it."

Spike smiled, "Thanks."

Joyce crossed her arms. "Are you ‘Spike'?"

Spike's eyes widened, "Buffy told you?"

"Not all of it. None of it really. I guessed. Call it mother's intuition."

"She's upset with me."

"Listen, William. You and Buffy have been best friends forever. You've
been through a lot and you've been there for each other through thick and
thin. Whatever's happened, or whatever's happening, your relationship is
too precious to let go. I only ask that whatever is going on, you work it out.
I'd hate to see you lose each other."

Spike shook his head, "Never Joyce. I'd never let Buffy go."

"Do you love her?"

"I do."

Joyce nodded. "Why don't you stay here tonight? It's late and I bet it
would comfort Buffy to know you were here. Even if she is upset with you."

"Can I –can I just pop in and see for myself that she's all right?"

"Of course. Just don't wake her. I think she was sweating alcohol. I'll get some bed stuff for the couch."

Spike nodded and dashed up the stairs. Third bedroom on the right.
Creeping to the door, he pushed it open slowly. The scent of ‘Buffy's room'
hit his senses first and he saw in his minds eye laughing at her as she belted
out Paula Abdul's "Forever Your Girl" into her brush. So many memories
with Buffy. So many carefree moments. How could he not love her?

Then the whiff of alcohol hit him. Joyce hadn't been kidding.

Quietly kneeling by the bed, he took in her sleeping form. He smiled. She
was snoring loud enough to wake the dead. Sure sign she was indeed drunk.
The light from the street filtered in and caressed her form so he could make
out the slight worry line creasing her brow. Gently, he smoothed that
crease with the pad of his finger.

"Buffy, baby, it's going to be okay. William hasn't left you. He never will."

She shifted a bit and murmured something. Spike paused. Joyce would
have his head if he woke her. As gently as possible, Spike leaned over and
kissed her brow quickly before standing and quickly, yet quietly leaving the
room. He shut the door and sighed heavily.

He really hoped she wouldn't be upset that he was there. They had a lot to
work out and hopefully she'd be receptive. Not that he could blame her if
she wasn't.

Chapter Thirteen

Buffy awoke slowly, her eyes still closed, wondering if she'd licked sawdust off the floor the night before. She knew she drank, but Jesus, how much did she actually imbibe? She lost count after the fourth tequila shot. Snuggling deeper into the bed, she yawned. Home. She was home. She wouldn't have been able to deal with facing William like this. His attitude on top of her headache? No way.

"Buffy, mom wants to know if you plan on staying in bed all day."

Buffy peered over her blankets to find Dawn standing in the doorway, a
put out expression on her face.

"I just woke up," Buffy responded, her voice sounding gravelly. She
grimaced. Asprin and orange juice, or a gallon of water. Maybe both. "What
time is it?"

"Noon."

"Haven't done that in a long time," Buffy murmured.

"So are you coming down? Mom's going to make you breakfast."

Buffy nodded. No rest for the weary. Besides, breakfast did sound good.
She didn't have hangovers like most. She craved food—the greasier the
better—after a drink fest.

"Can you ask mom to make sausages and bacon? And pancakes?"

Dawn rolled her eyes. "Anything else?"

Buffy fought the urge to stick her tongue out at her sister. "Orange juice?"

"Fine," and off she went. This time, Buffy did stick her tongue out. Climbing
out of bed slowly, she stumbled into the bathroom. God, she looked like
hell. She apparently hadn't bothered to wash her face the night before and
raccoon eyes greeted her. She looked and felt like crap. She pondered if
she'd have enough time to shower. The scent of bacon hitting her nose told
her no. So, she relieved herself, washed her face, brushed her teeth and
brushed her hair, pulling it back into a pony.

"Somewhat alive now," she muttered. She remembered about the car then.
After breakfast, she'd have her mom take her to her car. Then she'd come
back to the house and dutifully avoid William for the rest of the day. She'd
call him though. Or make her mom call him.

Real mature, Buffy, she scolded herself. You live with the guy, you pay
rent, you pay bills and you can't be mature enough to call him and tell him
where you are. Because I want him to suffer just a little bit. Make him
wonder what I'm doing or WHO I'm doing. Maybe I'll go out today and
change everything about ME. Maybe I'll cut my hair and be rude to HIM.
See how he likes it.

She almost smiled at the thought.

"Buffy! Breakfast!" Dawn shouted up to her.

Rolling her eyes, Buffy trudged down the stairs, her stomach growling as
the scent of everything she'd asked for assailed her nose.

"Mom, can you come over every day and cook me – what the hell are you
doing here?" Buffy stopped mid-sentence and mid-stride in the kitchen.

Spike was flipping pancakes, Dawn was sneaking out of the kitchen and her
mother was nowhere to be found. And why did he have to look so damn
adorable with his hair curling from lack of gel and a simple t-shirt on with
sweat pants. He looked like a little boy. A little boy she wanted to jump.
That pissed her off.

Spike grinned at her, "Cooking you breakfast."

"Who told you I was here?" Riley was going to die if he called.

"I came over last night. I was worried. I've decided we should get cell
phones so we can call each other. We might as well join the rest of the world
and have them firmly attached to our person at all times."

"You came over last night and what? Came back this morning?"

"No, your mum made a spot for me on the couch. I stayed."

"Why?"

"It was late and she offered."

"You could have gone," she told him huffily and grabbed the orange juice
on the table despite her pride.

"I didn't want to," he said softly.

"Why?"

"I wanted to be here when you woke up. I wanted to make sure you were
all right."

"Well, I'm fine. And I can finish flipping pancakes if you want to shove off
now."

"No, I think we need to talk. I know you're angry with me—"

"Figure that out did you? Was it the barely concealed sarcasm? Am I being

rude? Maybe I should throw in a few cryptic ‘you don't see me's' and then you'll know what it's like to talk to you."

"Okay," Spike sighed heavily, "I deserved that."

"And then some."

"Buffy, I'm sorry for acting like I have."

"Good. I'm glad you're sorry."

"Has it been that bad?" he asked incredulously.

"How did you feel when I told you I was going out with Riley?"

"Jealous."

"Okay, I was going for betrayed," she said, thrown off guard by that.

He ran a hand through his hair, causing the curls to spring through his
fingers. Buffy fought the urge to run her own fingers through them. Instead
she started to get her breakfast.

"Well, I did feel that too. I mean, the guy shoved me in lockers in high
school," Spike reasoned.

"Okay, well, that's how it feels when you go off and make all these changes
with Elvira and leave me out of it."

Spike sighed. "I know."

"No, actually you don't. You just think you do because I'm mad at you now
and you feel guilty. Every change in my life has been with you William.
Graduating high school, going to college, graduating college and then
moving has all been with you. And do you know why? Because I can't
imagine not having you around for all those things. So then when you go off
and start making all these changes and telling me that this is the person
you want to be and that I don't ‘see' you, how do you think it feels? And
how the hell am I supposed to understand when you don't bother to share
anything with me? I don't know what's going on in that head of yours—"

"Buffy, luv—" Spike started gently, walking over to her.

"You tell everything to her because she's suddenly the world to you—" her voice was rising steadily with each word.

"You know that's not true—"

"But I get slack for going out with Riley and then you come after me,
which, good job if I hadn't been here. Then you would have just freaked out
my mother for no reason when I could have been just fu—"

She was cut off by Spike's lips covering her own. It was a wholly
demanding and possessive kiss. Her toes were curling, she swore they
were. She swayed back from the force of it and had to grab his arms to stop
herself from falling back. He took that opportunity to wrap his arms around
her and haul her up against him. She could feel him harden against her and
she froze—Hey, he had a penis after all! The thought made her jump back.
This was different territory, her head was now spinning and she was highly
aroused. Where did he learn to kiss like that? Her thoughts went dark. Of
course. Drusilla.

She grabbed her plate and stomped off. Spike was on her heels.

"Buffy, we have to talk," he told her.

"No."

"Yes, godammit Buffy, you're no better than I am. Whenever things a
little tough, you take off!" he said heatedly and grabbed her arm, spinning
her around to face him.

"I don't want to talk to you right now. I want to eat my breakfast and take
a shower, possibly go back to bed so that this all can be a dream—"

"Was kissing me that bad?" he asked wounded.

She stared at him defiantly. "She teach you to kiss like that?"

He looked confused. "Who? What?"

"Never mind," she muttered and started off again.

"Buffy, stop walking away from me!"


Taking a deep breath, Buffy turned to him. "Look, I can't think right now."

He smirked. "So you did like the kiss."

"I need to eat and shower," she continued, ignoring him. "So I'm going to do that. Just go home William and I'll talk to you later."

He shook his head. "Nope. You eat and you shower. I'm going to do the
same in the guest room. Meet me outside on the swings when you're
ready."

"When did you get so demanding?"

He smirked, "We'll talk."

"If you're lucky," she muttered and stalked away from him.

"I'll come up there and drag you down here if I have to Buffy!" he called
after her.

"I'd like to see you try!" she yelled back as she made her way up the stairs.

He chuckled, "Oh, don't tempt me, kitten."

"I'm not your kitten!" she yelled and slammed her door.

"You'll always be my kitten," he said softly, reverently. "My little kitten
with claws."

Chapter Fourteen

Buffy sat on the bed after she showered and dressed, contemplating.

Contemplating the mystery that was William; contemplating the mystery
that was Spike. Spilliam? She giggled at that. Maybe that's what she could
call him. Maybe he'd see how dumb he's been. No, she frowned. That wasn't
fair. She gazed out her window, spotting William sitting on a swing in the
front yard, waiting for her. If she wanted to understand what was going on
then making fun of his attempts to change was not going to help. That'd just
drive the wedge further between them.

Then, there was the kiss he'd planted on her earlier.

That just threw a whole other spin on it all. That took her by surprise and
in retrospect, her reaction probably wasn't best, but he'd caught her
completely off guard. Her own feelings of attraction were causing her head
to spin and causing her world to tilt a bit, having him kiss her and thinking
there was something there for him as well, just threw her into a tailspin.
She never was one to handle things gracefully under pressure. She was
more of a ‘shoot first, apologize later' kind of girl.

And now here was Spike calling her on things, making her face things and
not letting her run away. For one thing, William would have never kissed
her, and for another, if he had, he'd have just let her walk away.

Maybe there was something to this new persona. Maybe. Nothing was
certain as of yet, so she didn't have to commit to anything.

She just needed to talk to him right now, right? Right. So, she would.
Hopefully with an open mind. But, as was just declared, nothing was certain
as of yet, so she didn't have to commit to anything.


*************************************************************

She kept her eyes on him as she marched towards him. He kept his gaze on
her too. She saw the warm eyes on her William along with the firm
determination of Spike.

She stood before him, an air of purpose around her.

"Why don't you sit down?" he asked her gently.

"I will eventually," she said, staring at him.

He stood, towering over her. "Then I'll stand too."

"Sometimes the person sitting is the intimidating one," she said with a
slight smirk.

He raised an eyebrow, "Is that what I am? Intimidating?"

"Well, I was going for me being the intimidating one," she replied and
ducked her head, blushing.

He put his finger under her chin to make her look at him. "Why?"

She met his eyes, "Because you already intimidate me."

"How?"

"I don't know who you are anymore."

"I want you to very much find out."

"Then why couldn't I be part of the change?"

He sighed heavily, dropped his hand and turned away. "Dru—"

"Her again!" Buffy huffed, throwing up her arms.

"Just listen please Buffy?" he asked, almost pleading.

Buffy pursed her lips together, hearing so much William in him in that
question, she couldn't help but listen. "All right. I'm listening. I think I'll sit
now," and she plunked herself down in the swing and looked up at him.


"Right. So I have the floor," he stalled, running a hand through his hair,
causing the newly gelled strands to unfurl. His curls bounced free and he
swore as he sought to put them back in place.

Buffy jumped up, taking hold of his arm and bringing his hand away from
his hair. He looked at her in question. "I like it when your curls are free.
Did I ever tell you I liked them?" she asked softly.

He shook his head, his eyes taking on a look of something akin to
tenderness and awe. "N-no, you n-never did."

She smiled, "I did."

"They're still there," he pointed out. "Do you like them shorter at least?"

Taking him in, she came to the conclusion that she did. She liked the
shorter locks, and even the platinum hair. It brought out his blue eyes all
the more somehow. Even with the glasses he still wore.

"I'm getting contacts," he told her. "I ordered them, just waiting for them
to come in."

"Not colored contacts though?" she asked, holding her breath.

"No, luv. Not colored."

She breathed a sigh of relief. "Good. I love your eyes William. Can I –call
you William?"

"Yeah, Buffy, you can still call me William. I realize I was a little hard on
you about that."

"A little? You were like name Nazi."

He chuckled deeply, "I'll always be William to you won't I Buffy?"

"You'll always be MY William," she said softly.

"I have changed Buffy."

"I know."

"You never said, do you like the hair?"

"I don't how to answer."

He cocked his head to the side. "What do you mean?"

"I don't know what answer will not warrant you biting my head off."

"Oh Buffy," he whispered, caressing the side of her face. "I never left you,
you know that don't you?"

"I do now," she replied, placing her hand over his.

"You're still the most important person in the world to me," he said with
conviction.

"What about Dru?"

"She's . . . she is important to me, but not in the same way."

She took his hand off her face and walked back to the swing, sitting down.
She was trying hard to squash any jealous feelings inside her, knowing if
she let them, they'd take on a life of their own and never get them
anywhere. This was about understanding Spike/William. This was not
about her jealousy over the woman that was responsible for changing her
William.

"Then tell me about Dru. And you and Spike. I'm listening."

"Are you? Will you hear me?"

"I'll hear you," she told him firmly. "I want to understand. Tell me so I'll
understand."

"What is it you want to understand?"

"You."

"Why?"

She knit her brows, "What do you mean why? Because you're the most
important person to me and I hate all this fighting we've been doing and it's
hard to be angry with you. I feel like I lost my best friend and that hurts
Will," her voice shook as she tried to reign in the tears that threatened to
fall.

He knelt before her, "Don't cry Buffy. You know I can't stand it when you
cry."

She swiped at her eyes, "Then start talking please."

"Come down here with me," he tugged on her hands and she acquiesced,
allowing him to pull her down to the ground so that they faced each other.
He laced his fingers with hers and squeezed gently.

"I wasn't exactly attracted to Dru in the traditional way," he began.

She raised her eyebrows, waiting for him to continue.

"She was fascinating and you know how I am with a good mystery."

She nodded, understanding.

"So, with all her riddles and interesting metaphors, she was somewhat of
mystery and I wanted to . . . decode her," he took a deep breath, "then she
started going on about the man inside and how I needed to let him out. She
took me to this club and she went on about something as simple as walking.
She wanted me to walk like I owned the room. And I did. It was amazing
Buffy," he told her, his narration becoming animated with excitement.
"Girls looked at me like they wanted me and men looked at me as if they
hated me or wanted to be me. It was thrilling."

Buffy couldn't help but laugh at that. William tried to unlace their fingers
and draw back, his face a mask of hurt. She stopped him. "No, William,
listen. I wasn't laughing at you. It just—the way it sounded. With the men
looking at you as if they hated you and you thinking that was thrilling. Just
sounded funny."

He nodded, "It does, doesn't it?" he grinned. "But do you see what I
mean?"

She nodded, "They hated you because you were competition."

"Right. I've never been competition Buffy."

"Not true," she shook her head. "There have been many occasions where I
gave up hanging out with someone to be with you instead. I always want
your company."

"Not like that Buffy," he muttered. "Not the way I – not that way."

"So, then what?"

"I felt the man I was inside. He was different from William."

"He was Spike."

"Right. The moniker just seemed to fit and it was radically different than
William—I wanted different Buffy."

"But why were these things you felt you had to keep from me?"

He sighed, "I guess I didn't feel ‘done' yet. I felt that when you looked at
me, you saw weak, wimpy William. I don't want to be weak, wimpy William
anymore Buffy."

"With abs and arms like you have, I don't think you have to worry about
that," her eyes widened. "I just said that out loud."

His entire face lit up, "Buffy, you –"

Well, might as well go all the way now, she thought. "Saw you? Yeah,
William, I saw you."

"What does that mean Buffy?" he pressed, squeezing her hands as she now
tried to twist them out of his grasp.

"It means I want you to tell me more about Spike," she told him, slightly
peeved about her failed attempt to extricate herself from his hold.

"He's the guy inside me that goes after what he wants and says what he
feels instead of shying away. He has confidence and he can be fun, Buffy.
He's not that far removed from me. He IS me. And just like William, all he
wants is for you to like him."

"Will, you know if you wanted that guy to come out of you, I would have
been all for it—"

"Sometimes it takes someone outside to get you going," he told her quietly.
"It took someone outside of us, of our friends, to see what I needed to do."

This time she succeeded in twisting out of his grasp and she stood. She felt
the jealousy course through her and she bit back a snarl. "So, Dru helped
you become what you always wanted to be. That's great. I'm glad she could
do that for you."

"Buffy, pet, wait. You're missing one crucial part to the whole mix," William
said and stood up, facing her.

"What's that?" she snapped.

"It was really YOU Buffy. I did it all FOR you and because of YOU. When I
was in that club, I remembered you telling me I should hold my head high,
to talk as if what I said was important. The whole reason I even asked Dru
out was because, well, for one thing I thought you were making fun of me
for working out that day—"

"How could you even think such a thing?" she demanded. "I just – I
thought it was all for her and I – William, I never thought you were
unattractive."

"Thank you. So I asked her out and I remember someone telling me once that
‘nothing ventured, nothing gained'. That was you, Buffy. You were always
there with me, in my ear, on my shoulder," he grabbed her about the waist
and yanked her close to him. "It's always been about you and for you
Buffy," he told her huskily.

She gulped. "Wh-what about D-Dru?" she stammered, the stormy blue of
his eyes reeling her in.

"She's a good friend, a helper. Kind of like an elf," he grinned.

Buffy laughed lightly. "So . . . what now?"

"Now you help me be Spike and not lose William."

"I think you know how," she told him. "And as much as I hate to admit it,
you're right. Sometimes when you're trying to change and break free of the
mold you've been stuck in, the ones that are the closest to you are not the
ones that help. They want to keep you as you are. When we moved, I
wanted you to break out of your shell, and then when you did, I freaked. I
thought I was losing you."

"Never Buffy," he vowed.

"So, instead, I'll be there to support you. I will let you know when you're
being an ass—"

He chuckled, "Of course."

"But you have it in you to be the man you want to be. You don't need me
and you don't need Dru to do it. You don't want our spin on that man. It's
ALL you now William. I just want us to grow together instead of apart. Can
we do that?"

He nodded profusely, "Yes, Buffy, yes. God, I was so scared when I
thought I'd lost you last night," he told her and wrapped his arms around
her, burying his face in her neck.

"Never, William."

Chapter 15
Joyce was pleased to witness Buffy and William walking back to the house hand in hand. They both had smiles on their faces, brilliant enough to blind the sun itself. It was definitely encouraging. She’d been waiting a long time for Buffy to realize what she’d felt for William, and she’d waited a long time for William to push Buffy for more.

“Hey mom,” Buffy greeted her as she entered the kitchen
with William. “Where were you?”


Joyce smiled innocently, “I went to the garden stand on the
corner to get some new flowers to plant. Wasn’t William a
nice surprise this morning?”

Buffy rolled her eyes. “You’re about as subtle as a truck, Ma.”

Joyce grinned. “So are you two all better now?”

William smiled at Buffy, “For now anyway.”

Buffy laughed, “Yep, for now. As Scarlet O’ Hara used to
say ‘After all, tomorrow is another day’.”



************************************************************************
Spike’s good mood was laid to rest when Riley called later that day at the apartment, disturbing their peace. He was hoping to bring up the subject of their kiss. Something they hadn’t gotten around to discussing. Baby steps, right?
And now, Finn. Again. Like a hemorrhoid that just wouldn’t go away. In actuality he’d only been back in Buffy’s life for all of two days but it was an inconvenience of the worst kind – Finn was hording in on Spike’s girl!

He handed the phone to Buffy in barely concealed anger,
letting her know by the look on his face to get rid of him and
soon.

Buffy gave him a patented ‘I dare you to tell me what to do’
look and took the phone into her room.

Spike followed close behind. He wanted to know what the
wanker was going to say, insinuate, and try.

Buffy pushed him out of her room with an angry look and
shut the door on his face.

Spike growled at the closed door and started to pace. He had
to tell her how he felt. That was it. He had to do it. Thing was,
even with this new found confidence he was discovering;
the idea scared the shit out of him. He stopped and pondered
the close door, recalling the image of the look on Buffy’s face
after he’d kissed her. And when they’d been talking and he’d
brought her in his arms . . . desire. He’d seen desire and –
dare he name it—love? Of course there was the way she
reacted whenever Dru’s name was spoken – angry
outbursts that could only mean one thing: Jealousy. She’d
pretty much admitted it, but maybe it went deeper than just
simple jealousy over him making a new friend. It could be
something more.

Right?

So, instead of telling her, maybe he could show her.



********************************************************************
“So you guys worked it all out then?” Riley asked.

“Yep, we’re all good now,” Buffy said brightly. “Thank you
for putting up with me last night.”

“What are friends for? I figured something had to have
happened when I didn’t hear from you this morning. Buffy . . .
Did you tell him how you felt?”

“Uh—what do you mean? How I felt about his change? Yes.”

“No, Buffy, did you tell him you’re in love with him?”

“No! Why would I do that?”

“Oh, I don’t know, maybe because you are?”

Buffy chewed her lip, belying the fact that her heart was
racing. “I should go Riley. Will’s waiting for me. Roommate
bonding and all that.”

“What are you afraid of Buffy?”

“Heights and needles.”

“You know what I mean.”

“I have to go Riley,” she persisted.

“All right, all right, all right. I get the point. Listen do you want
to hang out tomorrow night? I’m throwing a welcome home
party for myself—pretty conceited right?”

She laughed, “Little bit, but it works. What time?”

“Eight. And bring Will and Willow. I’d like to see them.”

Buffy smiled, “Okay, I’ll do that. Thanks again Riley.”

Disconnecting their call, Buffy stood and stared at the door.
What the hell was she afraid of? Why did that word fill her
with dread? Wasn’t she supposed to be so thrilled to be in
love she’d think nothing of wearing an I heart William
sandwich board and ringing a bell for the world to know?
Maybe because things felt so uncertain still right now. Maybe
because he was still finding his way and she was starting to
think she needed to do the same. Speaking of she needed to
find out when she could meet with her old advisor so she
could discuss the option of law school. Now that she’d made
the decision that she wanted more for herself, she figured
she take a cue from William. No time like the present to start
making those changes. And, she was doing it on her own.



***********************************************************************



What the bleeding hell was taking so long? How could she
possibly be talking to Finn for this damn long?

When her door finally burst open, Spike was ready to
pounce. He eyed her as she came strolling out of the room as
if she hadn’t a care in the world.

She smiled brightly. “Hey, guess what I just did?”

“What?”

“What’s wrong with you?”

“You been talking to Finn all this time?” he demanded.

Buffy rolled her eyes. “No, and you really need to get over all
that. He’s changed a lot. He’s not the same guy that pushed
you in lockers. He’s grown up, just like the rest of us.”

His eyes narrowed, “Then who were you talking to?”

“School. I’m going back,” she said beaming.

“What?” his jaw dropped.

“Well, I still have forms to fill out and I am going to work still,
but I’m going to night school. I’m going to go full steam ahead
and work my way to law school.”

Spike whooped and brought her into his arms, “I’m so proud
of you!”

She giggled, “Thank you.”

“Let’s celebrate, what do you want to do?”

“Well . . . “

“Uh-oh. . .nothing good can come when you start with that.”

“Oh hush up,” she swatted his chest, “Riley’s invited us to a party he’s having tomorrow night. He invited you and Willow
too. Come with me? It’ll be fun, I promise . . . “

Spike clenched his jaw. “Buffy. . .”

“Please?”

He sighed. Then staring at her, he grinned inwardly. Leaning in, he brushed her lips with his own, planting a kiss loaded with intent on them. Then abruptly he let her go and started for his room.

“Sure, I’ll go,” he called over his shoulder and had to fight the urge to go back to her after seeing the stunned and lusty expression on her face. Yep, he was going to make her want him. Badly.

"Willow, he KISSED ME!" Buffy exclaimed, waving her arms about. "I don't think you're quite getting what I'm saying here."

Willow stared at her friend, slightly amused. "You keep waving your arms
around like that and you're going to fly away."

Buffy dropped her arms. "Why do I get the impression you're not
surprised by this?"

"Because I'm not."

"Oh."

"Yeah, ‘oh'," Willow smiled. I'm rather impressed really that it's William
who made the move. Although I suppose it was only a matter of time," she
finished, rubbing her chin thoughtfully.

Buffy rolled her eyes and plopped down on the couch. "Is this where you
start to tell me that you've always known?"

Willow shrugged. "I could skip that part."

"Thank you. I've heard it enough thanks."

"Who else has been saying it?"

"My mother. Riley."

Now Willow's eyes widened. "Riley said it too?"

"Yeah, go fig."

Willow laughed. "Oh God you must really have it bad if Riley Finn even
noticed!"

Buffy smirked. "What are you trying to say Wills?"

"That either you're most definitely wearing your heart on your sleeve, or
somehow Riley's powers of perception grew. The guy wasn't exactly the
brightest bulb on the tree back in the day."

Buffy nodded, "He really has grown."

"So now does William know yet that he has a girl and that you guys truly
are just friends?"

Buffy started to squirm. "Not exactly."

"Why not?" Willow demanded.

"Because I'm still unsure about what's going on with him and Dru."

Willow chuckled, "So until you're sure, you have no qualms about making
him stark raving mad with jealousy."

"When you put it that way you make it sound bad."

"Because it is!"

"Hate the game, not the ‘playa'" Buffy giggled.

Willow looked at her sternly. "Buffy that's awful. You're not some guy
screwing around. William's your best friend and the guy you happen to be
in lo—"

Buffy jumped up and held up her hand. "STOP!"

Willow looked up at her confused. "In the name of love?"

Buffy glared at her. "Very funny."

"All right, I'm going to bite. You won't tell Riley, and I can understand that.
But just why ARE you afraid to admit it or even say it or anything
concerning that word?"

"Not anything concerning that word. I can say I love you Wills. I can say I
love my mom and 80's music and the color blue and—"

"All right, all right. I get the point. You can say you love. But why can't you
say you love William?"

"I don't know."

"What do you mean you don't know?"

"Just that. I guess by putting voice to it, it's like—"

"Admitting it?"

Buffy rolled her eyes, "Well, yeah. And it's –"

"Giving in?"

"See, you know already."

"Buffy, it's not like it's some guy off the street. It's William. You know he
thinks the world of you, you know he would do anything for you, you know
that he'd follow you into a snake pit if you said it was the best thing for
him."

"That's just it," Buffy said softly, sitting back down. "Except for the snake
pit thing though. Even William –and Spike—has his limits."

"So it's the fact that he would do anything for you that has you afraid?"

Buffy nodded. "I don't want to disappoint him. I don't want to hurt him.
I've always been the one that protected William. I always looked out for
him and kept the bullies at bay. What will protect him from me if I admit –
and then I advance--?"

Willow walked over to her and sat down next to her, her face a mass of
concern. "Buffy, William is a big boy. He knows how to take care of himself
and most of all – he knows you. You wouldn't do anything to hurt him, not
intentionally anyway."

"What if I did one day? Then I'd lose him."

"Not necessarily. Relationships and friendships are all about working
through the tough times and realizing that mistakes will be made, but that
nothing is broken that can't be fixed if two people really care and love each
other. And it might not be you that messes up. It could be him. You just
have to roll with the punches. Right now, the only one being bullied is
yourself, by yourself."

"Have I interrupted a womanly moment here? Should I go out and come
back again so you can finish this Lifetime moment?"

Both girls' heads snapped up to see William coming into the living room.

"Think we could get a bell for you as part of your new look?" Willow asked
dryly.

"Did you hear anything?" Buffy demanded, worriedly.

William grinned. "Why? Talking about me, pet?"

Buffy snorted. "You wish."

"You're right," he grinned.

Buffy's eyes widened and Willow chuckled. "I like the new look by the
way," Willow commented.

"Thanks, Red," he patted his hair. "Took Buffy a while to get used to it."

"Yeah, seems she hasn't been doing change very well huh?"

"No, but she's adjusting. Along with me. It's a learning experience for both
of us," William told her.

Buffy stood, "Check it out ‘SHE' is still in the room so maybe you can stop
talking about me as if I'm not here."

William chuckled, "Sorry pet," he came over and tapped her nose. "What
time do we have to be at Riley's again?"

"Eight."

"All right. You want the shower first?"

"Uh, no. You can go."

"All right. Maybe in the future we should consider conserving water, " and
he grinned saucily trailing a finger down her bare arm, causing goose
bumps to form in its wake.

Her eyes widened at the implication and a shiver went through her as
Willow burst out laughing. William chuckled and sauntered away as she
turned bright red.

"You see what I mean?" Buffy demanded of Willow as soon as William was
out of ear shot. "He's out of his mind!"

Willow laughed, "Yep, and all for you."

*******************************************************************
While Spike liked Willow well enough, he really wanted to be able to spend some time alone with Buffy. He wanted to be able to touch her again and make innuendos that would send her cheeks flaming -- preferably without an audience. He supposed that the party would not exactly be conducive to his plans, but he also figured it would be an excellent time to let Finn knew just who Buffy belonged to. She would not take kindly to that, so he would have to find time alone with Finn, but he'd find other ways to stake his claim.

When they entered Finn's apartment, the door opened by a very drunk
man who deemed himself the ‘door greeter' a little to cheerfully, Spike felt
himself start to shy away inside. Parties like this were not his usual forte.
He preferred quiet settings to the boisterousness of a party. Belligerent
fools dawdling around and laughing at things no one else understood but
them was not his idea of a good time. It was bloody annoying. It was in
crowds like this that Spike felt most protective of Buffy, and bitterly
reminded him of those days he would make himself the resident wallflower
while Buffy flitted around like a busy bee, working the room and gathering
up a few followers for the night. Every once in a while, she'd come to him,
seeming to recharge her batteries before heading off again. William would
watch with envy he tried to squelch and long to join her and be the one to
bask in her warmth. The one comfort he had was that it was he she always
left with. Small comfort to the sometimes stack of papers with phone
numbers she would gather by the end of the night. Inevitably, she tossed
out more than she kept.

He wasn't the same anymore, he told himself. He had every right to be by
her side. He was not beneath her, he was part of her. And, as he was
battling himself and all his inadequate feelings, Buffy had started to rush
forward to seek out Riley. Following instinct unlike the way he would
usually squelch it, Spike reached out and grabbed her arm, drawing her
back to his side.

She looked up at him in question.

"I want to see the old boy myself. With you," he told her.

She nodded slowly, and tried to release her arm from his grasp. Spike
instead swept his hand down her arm and grabbed her hand in his.

He watched Buffy look to Willow, seeming unsure of what her next step
should be. Willow merely nodded and grinned. "Let's go find him then," she
said.

For this, Spike had to thank Willow. She knew and understood. She
accepted it and supported it. He just wished Buffy would follow suit now.

Buffy led them, naturally. Some things would never change. Spike noticed
however, that she didn't seem to know where she was going exactly.

"Pet, you haven't been here?" he asked her.

She shook her head. "First time."

Relief swept through him and he squeezed Buffy's hand. She looked up at
him.

"What?"

He smiled, "Nothing just. . . Thank you."

"For what?"

"I'll tell you later."

She knit her brows together and then shrugged.

"Hey! You made it!" It was unmistakable voice of Finn. Not much could
erase that voice. He'd heard it enough times reverberating through his skull
as he'd taunted him behind a closed locker door.

Spike's eyes narrowed as he zeroed in on the oversized beefcake. He'd
bulked up more, if possible, but not much else had changed on him. Buffy
said he'd grown up. Well, that remained to be seen didn't it?

"William?" Riley asked, gaping at Spike.

"It's Spike now," he amended.

Riley grinned, "Buffy had said you'd changed a few things. How are you?"

Spike eyed him warily. "Fine."

"Listen man, I totally understand not exactly welcoming me like we're old
buddies and whatnot, but that was high school. I was dumb in high school.
It's over now, think we can just build a bridge?"

Spike glanced down at Buffy and tugged her closer to his body. He looked
back to Riley, his eyes telling the other man that he could forget the past as
long as he left Buffy alone in the future.

Riley grinned. "Great," he said before turning his attention to Willow.

Buffy looked up at Spike, "Did you guys just have a moment?"


Spike grinned and tapped her nose. "Yep."

"What was it about?"

Leaning closer, Spike released her hand and brushed her hair back from
her shoulder and whispered huskily in her ear. "You."

She pushed at him slightly and looked up at him slightly indignant and
mostly aroused. "I'm going to get a drink," and she started off. He grabbed
her hand again, and tugged her back to him. "What now?" she demanded.

"Not without me, Buffy. Tonight I get to spend the night by your side, do
you understand?"

"Will—"

"Do you?"

Chapter 17


Annoyed, Buffy wrenched her hand from his grasp. "I'm not cattle, SPIKE. You can't push me around and tell me what to do. If you want to come with me, that's fine, but I am not going to be made to feel as if I need to be shackled to your side. Do you understand ME?"

Spike gritted his teeth and was about to respond, when she took off. He started for her and Willow grabbed his arm. "Just give her a minute."
Spike started to protest, but Willow cut him off. "Do you want to drive her clear away?"

Spike stopped. Sighing, he replied. "No."

"Then give her a minute. No woman—hell no person, likes to be told what
to do. I think I understand why you felt the need to do that, but you can't
expect to come on all strong all of sudden and expect her to be okay with
it."

"I'm new to this Willow," Spike admitted, with an air of defeat. "I don't
know all that I'm doing here. I'm saying things and implying things that I . .
. I just want her to come to me."

"And she will."

Spike stared at her imploringly, "Will she?"

"Why don't we find someplace to talk?"
Spike looked toward where Buffy had headed, unwilling to let her out of his
sight.

"You want her to come to you right?" Willow asked.

Spike nodded, slightly pouting.

"Then make her wonder where you disappeared to," Willow grinned.

Spike smiled broadly. "You're a smart bird, I ever tell you that?"

Willow chuckled. "Once or twice."



It'd been a little difficult to find a place they could talk, but they happened
upon a fire exit that had just been vacated and they took up residence
there.

Once out there, beers in hand, Willow started in on her line of questioning.

"So Buffy told me about Drusilla. That's her name right?"

Spike nodded and grinned, "It is. I'm sure she had something other than
that to call her right? She's awfully fond of ‘Bride of Dracula'."

"She's jealous."

"Jealous because she wants me as a man, or because it threatens her
friendship with me?"

"Both."

Spike looked at her hopefully. "Do you really think so Wills?"

"Yes. Are you dating Drusilla? I mean, what's the deal with her?"

"She's a friend. A good friend."

"That's it?"

"That's it. I don't even think she has any interest in anything else with me.
She's been all about helping me get Buffy."

"Really?" Willow asked, surprised.

"Yeah," Spike replied, scratching the back of his neck in a thoughtful
manner. "It's kind of weird actually. It was like she knew right away that . .
. "

"You were in love with Buffy."

Spike looked down. "Yeah." His head popped up. "So you've known huh?"

"For a very long time."

"Does she . . .?"

"Are you asking me to disclose private information?"

"No, never mind. I don't want you to do that."

"William, I gotta tell you that if you aren't dating Drusilla, you need to tell
Buffy that."

"Is she—?"

"I'm not disclosing private information, remember? I'm just telling you, to
let her know."

"I guess I kind of wanted to make her wonder a little since I wasn't sure
about Finn."

"Are your fears about him laid to rest now?"

"Possibly."

"So just for clarification purposes, and you don't have to answer me, but
when Dru was making you over, you and her didn't. . . you know?"

"Willow Rosenburg, are you talking about SEX?" he asked in a hushed
whisper, in mock shock.

"Dork. Yes, I'm talking about sex."

Spike grinned, "No, we never."

"So then, have you . . . ?"

Spike blushed and turned away, "Not at all embarrassing, Red."

"I thought with this new outlook on life you've adopted things like that
wouldn't embarrass you."

"I'm still me, Wills. I'm still the same old William, just a few things about
me are more pronounced than they ever were."

"Like actively pursuing Buffy."

"Right. And it's hard sometimes ya know? Like for example, when we got
here. I felt myself getting shy and uneasy about being here. I kept seeing
the same old scenario of me sitting in the corner and watching Buffy,
wishing I could punch every guy that touched her or talked to her, and
wishing it were me she was with all night."

"She always comes back to you William, doesn't that tell you something?"

"Yeah, but. . . I don't want to settle for just that anymore."

"I understand."

"So anyway, I felt ‘William' coming through. I had to shove that part of me
down, I don't want to be that shy guy anymore. I want to be the guy that
Buffy doesn't feel she has to coddle and mother all the time. I want to take
care of her for once."

"William, you always have taken care of her."

"Not the same way as she has me. I want to be a man for her Wills, not a
boy."

Willow nodded. "I see."

"And I had this plan where I'd make her want me so that she'd . . . and I
find myself saying these things like earlier about conserving water and I've
never. . . and then I wonder what the hell will I do if she does jump me?"

Willow giggled, "I'm not laughing at you, I'm not. It's just. . . Well, to be
frank? Looking at you now William, you don't look like a virgin. You look
like you've been around the block and then some."

Spike grinned, his chest puffing out. "Thanks."

"And I think when the moment comes, instinct will take over somewhat
and whatever doesn't, Buffy will be there to guide you."

"I love her Wills. I have for a long, long time. I want to be worthy of her
love in return."

"You are William. You always have been worth of it and she's always
thought so. It's why she was so afraid she was losing you."

"So she. . . loved the old me?"

"I can't speak for her, but I really think she did, she DOES."

"So . . . baby steps?"

"Baby steps."



Buffy's eyes scoured the room as she sipped her beer and stood in the dark
corner, trying not to make it obvious in case William was nearby that she
was looking for him. Had been for the past fifteen minutes. She was starting
to get impatient. And Willow was missing too. Great, did she have to be
jealous of her now too?

"Hey gorgeous," the drunk door greeter slurred in her ear.

She jumped and wrinkled her nose as the scent of his breath wafted to her
nose. "Uh, hi," she said turning to face him.

"Where'd your boyfriend go?"

"He's not my boyfriend."

"He's not?"

"Nope."

"Fuck buddy?"

"What? No! We're roommates and best—"

"Ah, live in fuck buddy."

"You're disgusting," she spat and started to walk away.

The guy grabbed her and slammed her up against him, walking her
backwards around the corner and into what appeared to be a bedroom. He
ground his erection into her. She wanted to throw up. "No reason you can't
share the wealth, bitch," the guy sneered.

"Get off me!" she shouted at him and shoved him.

He shoved her against the wall, hard. "Come on baby. Don't be coy."

Slamming his lips against hers and catching her off guard, Buffy lost some of
her balance, thereby sending her into his arms. He grinded and she pushed,
feeling something akin to panic set in.

"Get AWAY from me! Get OFF me!" she yelled, hoping someone would
round the corner or hear her above the music and chatter.

"Don't be such a bitch," drunk guy slurred and slobbered on her neck.

"Buffy?" William.

Relief flooded through her and she nearly sobbed William's name.

That's when she watched in amazement as William hauled the guy off her
and punched him dead in the face. He crumbled to the ground in a heap,
passed out. He turned to her, "Are you all right?"

She burst into tears. "He just wouldn't stop touching me. I kept saying ‘no'
and he was gross and no one was coming. Will, I want to go home!"

He took her in his arms, ran his fingers through her hair soothingly as she
held onto him for dear life and cried into his shoulder.

"Can we go?" she whimpered.

He nodded. "We'll collect Willow and go all right?"

"Okay."

Wrapping his arm around her, he kicked the guy for good measure in the
ribs and led her out of the room.

"Hey there," Willow started cheerily, bouncing up to them and then
stopped. "What happened?"

"Some guy didn't know how to take no for an answer," William explained.
"Coming?"

"Definitely. Should someone tell Riley?"

"I just want to go," Buffy whimpered and snuggled into Williams embrace.

"We're gone," Willow declared and they made for the exit.

Buffy relaxed once they were out of the apartment. William turned her in
his arms and studied her. "Did he hurt you bad?"

"Just scared me," she told him. "He just took me by surprise and I thought
with all those people around . . ."

"Sometimes that's when it's easier for someone to do something like that,"
Willow explained. "Busy party, no one really talking all that much and you
see something across a room that looks like a couple making out and you
don't pay much attention . . . I'm sorry Buffy."

"I think once I got over the shock I could have done something," Buffy said
softly.

"You're safe now," William said gently, brushing some hair away from her
face.

She nodded. "Take me home?"

"Of course luv."

Chapter 18


Willow opted to drive back to the apartment since she knew that Buffy was still shook up and William would want to comfort her. Buffy slid into the backseat on shaky legs and placed herself right up against the door. She clicked the lock into place and stared out the window.

William slid in next to her and took her hand. She looked over at him and that was all it took. In an instant she was in his arms. He held her tightly against him, looking as if he were a shield in which to guard her from all the nasties in the world. Willow smiled; for that's just what he was. For so long, Buffy had been Williams shield, and now William got the chance to show her that he could do it for her as well. That he was the man he wanted to be for her. She just hoped Buffy wouldn't shove him away with both hands. Though, from the way she nestled in his embrace, it didn't appear she'd be shoving him away for quite some time.

*************************************************************************

"Do you need anything?" Willow asked the couple when they'd all climbed out of the car at the apartment.

Buffy shook her head. "Sorry the festivities ended so early," she mumbled.

"Hush up, pet. Not your fault some creep can't keep his hands to himself," Spike gently
admonished her and kissed her forehead.

She nodded and faced Willow. "Thanks Wills."

"I didn't do anything. If you don't need anything, I think I'm going to shove off."

"We're good," Spike said, "Thanks Wills."

"Would you guys stop with the thanks already? I didn't do anything special." She
smiled broadly and Spike winked at her before turning and guiding Buffy to the stairs.

"Pet? You want some ice cream? Maybe we could watch a movie together?" Spike
asked, as they made their way up the stairs.

"That sounds nice," Buffy agreed on a mumble. "I want to shower first."

"I understand. What do you want to watch?"

"How about ‘Old School'? I could use a laugh."

"Sounds good. I'll get the ice cream ready too. I think we still have some chocolate
syrup in the fridge. You want?"

"Is the Pope Catholic?"

Spike chuckled, "There's my saucy girl."


************************************************************************


Two hours later, Buffy and Spike sat on the couch in their living room, laughing along
to the movie and having long ago finished their ice cream.

Spike was in heaven as Buffy seemed to crave the comfort of his touch. At the moment,
his back was against the corner of the couch and Buffy sat between his legs while his arms were
wrapped around her protectively. He could still smell the scent of her lightly scented shampoo
and the body wash she'd scrubbed herself with. Every once in a while he took to stealing whiffs
of her hair and would gently bury his nose in it.

As the credits rolled, Buffy turned in his arms and studied him, her expression blank.
Spike kept still, waiting for her to speak.

"I didn't thank you for what you did, did I?" she asked quietly.

"Pet, you don't—"

"Thank you," she cut him off.

He nodded once, briskly, "You're welcome."

And still she stared at him. His hands were itching to caress the side of her face, his lips
were aching to kiss her and his nose was twitching to inhale her scent. What she did next
nearly made him stop breathing.

Adjusting herself so that she kneeled between his legs facing him, she reached out and,
using her pointer finger, trailed a path from the top of his forehead, down the side of his face to
the scar he'd acquired as a child on his brow, down the slope of his nose and up and down his
sharp cheekbones. She traced his lips, and ended at the slope of his neck.

"I never told you before how handsome I always thought you were," she said plainly.

"Pet—"

"You are. I always thought so. Did you know that before you started changing, I
thought you were adorable. I always thought you were cute, but that day when you were
making a grocery list so diligently, I thought how adorable you were. Then later when I saw
you without a shirt on, when I walked in your room and you were on your bed resting, I
thought about what an incredible body you have underneath all those clothes."

Spike's breath hitched.

"You thought I never saw you, that you had to change for me to see you. But I'd already
seen you. I always had, I just didn't . . . and when you were on display for me…" She smiled
small, "You're hot William."

"Buffy," he breathed and entangled his fingers in her hair, bringing her forehead
against his. "Do you know what I thought when I first laid eyes on you?"

She smiled, "That I was dumb because I was a cheerleader and because I was dating
Riley."

"How did you--?"

"You told me."

He closed his eyes. "No, I – I thought you were the most gorgeous woman I'd ever
seen."

"Really?'

"Yes," he whispered, "God yes. It's always been you Buffy, don't you know that by
now?"

"What about Drusilla?"

"I never cared for her that way."

"Have you spoken to her recently?"

"Buffy, I don't want to talk about her right now. Or Riley, or anybody or anything that
isn't in this room."

"Did you want to talk about the movie? It's in the room."

He smiled. "Brat." Then he turned serious. "I want to talk about your lips."

"My lips? What about them?"

"How plump they are," he dipped her head back slightly and, taking a chance that he
had to mentally take a deep breath for, he traced her lips with his tongue lightly. He figured
he'd done well when she whimpered under his touch and her eyes closed, her mouth parting
slightly. "How good they taste," he murmured and covered her lips with his own this time. It
was a slow and sensual kiss, all about exploring and for pushing for anything. He'd let her be
the guide for what touches would be taken and given. He figured after what had happened
after the party, it'd be too soon to get grabby. He wanted Buffy to be completely comfortable
with him in all aspects. He wanted her to accept him and his advances. And, he wanted her to
guide him in the art of lovemaking.

Breaking apart, only for the need to gather breath, Spike watched in fascination as she
licked her lips and slowly opened her eyes. "You taste good too," she told him shyly. Buffy
shy? Since when? It was amazing to him.

He smiled, "Thank you."

"William…will you do something for me if I ask?"

"Christ Buffy, there isn't much I wouldn't do for you, you should know that."

"Will you hold me tonight? Just hold me?" her cheeks reddened and her eyes looked
down.

"Look at me Buffy," he demanded gently.

Her eyes flew to his. "Why are you so shy with me?"

She shrugged. "I've never . . . any of it. . . with you."

"I know what you mean," he whispered. "Bed now kitten?"

She nodded and moved off the couch. Standing she reached out her hand and he took it
in his big one as she helped him up. He followed her to her bedroom, thinking himself the
luckiest bloke in the world. He didn't have to have sex with her. He didn't have to fondle her or
grope her. She didn't even have to fondle or grope him. All he had to do was hold her.



And that was enough.

Chapter 19

Spike opened his eyes to find Buffy smiling somewhat demurely at him. She lay on her side, facing him and just watching him as if it were the most natural thing in the world to do, as if she'd done it before.

"Hi," he greeted her sleepily. He ran a hand down her arm. "How are you?"

"Good. Did you sleep okay?"

"Like a rock. Better than I ever had in my room."

"Really?"

He nodded, grinning, "Must be the company."

"Must be," she said and looked down shyly.

Unable to resist her any longer, Spike scooted closer to her so that their thighs were touching. She looked up at him, surprised.

"Can only resist your allure for so long, kitten," he informed her.

She smirked, "You mean my morning breath?

"Real romantic pet."

"Will?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you – Will you come with me today?"

"Where?"

"To the university? I have to pick up some papers and sign some papers. Maybe I can find out what classes I'll have to take
and—"

He pressed a finger to her lips. "You know I'll come with you."

"Will?"

"Yeah?"

"Did you and Dru ever have sex?" Buffy asked, looking down again.

That wasn't what he'd expected. He blinked. "No."

"Did you . . . do anything else?"

"Told you I never felt that way for her."

"What was the exact nature of your relationship then?" she asked slightly exasperated and this time looking up at him.

"This is really bugging you innit?"

She pursed her lips together. "Nope, not at all. Forget I said anything," and she started to roll over.

Spike grabbed her about the waist and brought her back to him. "Nope, not getting away from me that fast kitten."

She was pouting. He didn't think she knew just quite what her pout did to him. Turned him to jelly, made him want to rip the world apart to find who made her pout so he could make it better and. . turned him on.

"Nothing sexual happened between us, Buffy. Did anything happen with you and Riley?"

She shook her head.

"Can I kiss you now?"

"I have bad breath."

"I don't care. I love you."

Her eyes widened, "Wh—what?"

He met her eyes, "I love you, Buffy. I always have and I always will."

"Y—you have?"

"You didn't know?" "I . . . no. I mean I always knew that we were close and you liked being with me. I . . . Will. . . I . . ."

Spike used that opportunity to get what he wanted and alleviate her apparent frustration and stress by pulling her closer and
kissing her. When breathing became an issue, he rested his forehead against hers. "Buffy, it's okay. I know this is a lot all at once
to deal with. Just the fact that you're not running scared from me is enough."

She responded by wrapping her arms around him and holding him to her tightly. "No, I wouldn't."

"Will?"

"Yeah?"

"Does that mean that you . . . that is . . . you never . . . Will, are you a virgin still?"

He really didn't like the ‘still' tacked on to the end of that question, but it wasn't like she didn't know about his status as a virgin.
Of course she knew. And he knew all about hers as a non-virgin. The thought had him holding onto her tighter. He didn't like the idea of any of those morons she dated touching his Angel. They weren't worthy of her. He wanted to be her one and only, just as she was going to be for him. No girl came before, and no girl would come after—a fact that she didn't know yet, but would soon enough.

"Yes, Buffy, I'm still a virgin."

A wide smile split her face.

"What's with the grin?"

"I like that you're untouched. That she didn't . . . that noone . . . defiled you."

He couldn't help but chuckle at that. "I'm as pure as the driven snow, pet."

"I'll be happy to be your plow," she told him.

Spike burst out laughing, "My dirty little minx." He stopped laughing when he felt her hand rub his length through his boxers.
His half hard member surged to full length at her touch. He groaned and his eyes fluttered shut. "Buffy," he moaned.

"Look at me," she whispered her order.

His eyes flew open and met hers. The green in her eyes had darkened to lust. He was shocked to learn that he had in fact seen
that look of hunger in her eyes. Before his ‘change', when he was just ‘William'.

"Buffy," he breathed.

Her hand had wormed inside his boxers and she had pushed them down a bit to gain easier access. "I'm not going to put my mouth on you just yet, William," she told him huskily. "I just want to give you a preview, ease you in a bit. Sound good?"

"Oh Christ, yes," he moaned loudly as she stroked him and flicked the head with her thumb, spreading his dripping precum
around his head and down the length of him.

"Have you jerked off in your room William?" she asked him.

"Y-yes."

"Did you think of me?"

"Always," he groaned as she squeezed him.

"Kiss me, William."

He obliged her, devouring her mouth with his own as she stroked him languidly up and down. "God, Buffy," he broke off, "I
need—I need—"

"Faster? Harder?" And this time she obliged him, pumping him faster and squeezing him harder.

"Buffy!" he roared and his eyes rolled back in his head, his back arched and he started to come on the bed and on her fingers.
He was too far gone to care about that. He was panting and lightheaded, having had the most intense orgasm he'd ever
experienced. Nothing could compare to having the woman he loved more than anything in the world stroke him to orgasm. He
didn't think he'd be able to masturbate again after that. Good bye hand cramp. Grabbing the towel she'd used to dry her hair
from the night before on her floor at the side of her bed, she cleaned her hand off and what she could of the globs left on her
sheet.

"Did you like that?" she asked and bit down on his earlobe gently, when she snuggled back up to him.

He answered her by toppling her, covering her body with his. He kissed her voraciously, unable to get enough of her. He wanted
to drink her, imbibe her, be joined to her forever. His member was surging to life again.

She slightly pushed at him and rolled him onto his back. She straddled him and he could feel her hot center pressing down just
about his hardening member.

"Buffy," he whimpered.

"Not yet."

"Why not?" now he pouted.

"Because you've been driving me crazy for these past few weeks – especially these past few days – with wanting you. Now, I
get to drive you crazy."

"Buffy, I've been wanting you for years. Crazy doesn't even begin to compare to how insane I'll go if I don't ---get you."

"How romantic, Will," she said dryly, but she was smirking. She leaned down and kissed him sweetly. "So much I want to teach
you first, Will," she whispered against his lips as he buried his hands in her hair.

"Teach me everything," he begged and kissed her voraciously.

"I will," she promised, rubbing against him.

Feeling bold, Spike untangled one hand from her hair and dipped it in between their bodies, seeking out her center. To gain
better access, he rolled them to their sides. Before she could make a comment, he dipped his hand inside her shorts and then
inside her panties. She was hot. And wet.

Her eyes shot open. "William!" she exclaimed, her voice laced with desire.

Experimentally, he rubbed his hand over her folds and watched her face for what felt right.

"Put your finger inside me," she said huskily.

"Which one?"

"Middle."

Curling his hand a bit, he probed his middle finger around, afraid to just thrust it inside her and unsure where.

She took care of the problem by guiding his finger to her opening and pushing it inside.

"Oh God, Buffy," he moaned. He'd known pleasuring her would bring him some amount of pleasure, but he had no idea how
much until he felt her slick walls tighten around his finger and saw the look of passion and desire for him on her face. She allowed
him inside her body. She trusted him inside. He couldn't imagine how profound it'd feel to have his cock inside her. William
started coming up with prose for this event.

She was rubbing against him as he started stroking his finger in and out of her. "Does that feel good?" he asked his voice husk.

"Your finger inside me and your th-thumb is right on my –oh god-clit."

He flicked his thumb and she bucked against him. Feeling the hard nubbin out, he flicked his thumb continuously as he worked
his finger in and out of her.

"Will!" she keened and he felt her come on his hand as her walls tightened around him. It was amazing to him. He nearly came
thinking about how that would feel on his dick.

He wanted a taste of her now. Stroking her softly as she came back down, Spike gently extracted his hand and brought it to his
mouth. She watched dazedly as he sucked his finger in his mouth. His eyes rolled up.

"You taste like honey," he murmured. He looked at her hungrily. "I want more."

She jumped off the bed before he could make another move. She squealed with delight when he tried to grab her. She ran to the
bathroom. "Not yet William! We have things to do!"

"Buffy!" he shouted to her. Silence met him. "I love you!"

Silence again, then, "I know!"

He smiled. For now, that was all he needed.

Chapter 20

Spike sat in the quad of the college campus, Buffy having told him to wait for her as she went in to talk with her advisor. He leaned against the tree behind him and closed his eyes. So, this was what bliss felt like. He felt like a new man. More so than he did when ‘Spike' emerged. He felt regenerated, like the world was his oyster and Buffy was the one holding the shell.

"I hope it's me that's making you smile like that."

Spike grinned and popped his eyes open looking up at Buffy standing there
in her pink skirt and white tank, holding some papers with her purse slung
across her shoulder.

"Always you luv." He tugged on her hand. Come sit with me."

She obliged him, settling herself with her back to his front.

"Get everything squared away?" he asked, propping his chin on her
shoulder.

"Yep. I just sign up for classes in a week and then it's all systems go."

"Excited?"

"Yes. And nervous. . . and I feel kind of dumb."

"Dumb?" he frowned, "Why?"

"Because I just left and now I'm going back again. I mean, I know people
do that stuff when they go on to get their masters, but I feel like I'm
starting over again."

"Not exactly. You're just going further than you had."

"You make it sound as if it's a good thing."

"It is. You want more for yourself and there's nothing wrong with taking
steps to do that."

"Is that what it was like when you transformed yourself?"

"I never thought of it that way, I guess. I knew I wanted to be more of a
man for you—"

"Not just for me though, Will. There's too much pressure in that. So please
say it was for you. Don't let me be the entire reason. You had to want it to
make yourself feel good too."

"There's pressure in knowing you're my inspiration, my muse?"

"Oh yes," she said nodding emphatically.

"Why?"

"Will, we don't have to get into that –"

"Buffy, tell me. It's still me, remember? I'm still the William that helped
take care of you when you got your wisdom teeth pulled and your mouth
swelled up like a balloon. I'm still the William whose shoulder you cried on
when Parker told you, you were a cold fish. Which, I have to say after this
morning he's fucking nuts."

She giggled.

"So, tell me, please. I want to know what's on your mind. I want to know
everything."

She fell silent but he could tell by the gestures she was making with her
hands that she was trying to find the right words. Finally, "Because it
makes me feel as if I'm more than I am and . . . I don't want to disappoint
you.

"Disappoint me? Buffy, if this morning was any indication—"

"One day though William. One day you could grow tired of me. Or you
could want someone else. You could get bored."

"Don't want any girl in the world, Buffy. I only want you."

"You say that now."

"What makes you think anything'll change about that?" he asked, holding
her tighter against him, silently supporting her openness. "You know what
I think?"

"What?"

"I think it's an excuse. You're using my never-going-to-happen infidelity
and non wandering eye as an excuse for something else you're afraid of."

"I've protected you all the time Will."

"Okay," he said slowly, not sure where she was going with that.

"What happens if something goes wrong and I hurt you? Who will protect
you from me?"

Spike turned her in his arms, making her face him and hold her in his lap.
"Look at me," he ordered softly.

"Do you want to hurt me?"

"No."

"Do you plan to hurt me?"

"No."

"Would you hurt me given the chance?"

"Never."

"Then you won't. Not intentionally anyway."

"What if you want some other grass because this one just isn't green
enough? What if we have sex and you realize you want to try it out on
someone else?"

"Anyone ever tell you that you think too much?"

"Yes. You do all the time."

"It's true. You overanalyze much too much over something that should be
the least of your worries. Me leave you? I hate to break it to you Buffy, but
there's nothing you could do to make me leave your side. You could move
and I'd follow you. You could tell me you never want to see me again, and
I'd stalk you until you took me back. You could . . . kill me—"

"William!"

"And I'd haunt you. Nothing, Buffy, nothing will make me leave you. I've
had chances you know, opportunities. I'm pretty sure if I wanted to, Dru
would have been willing to teach me things—"

Buffy started to move off his lap and he held her fast. "No," he told her,
"listen to me."

She looked at him, but the look on her face let him know she was not happy
to be hearing this.

"When she took me out to that club and all those women were looking at
me and wanting me, the only one I was thinking of was you. The only one I
wanted to see me that night, was you."

"So you're saying it's me?" she smirked.

He leaned in and kissed her softly. "Yep."

She cupped his face in her hands. "When did you get so good at this stuff
Will?"

"Observing. I might not have said much or done much when we'd all go
out, but I was always watching and listening. I'd like to think I'd gathered
enough information over the years to know some of the basics of what to do
in a relationship."

"Will, I don't even know what to do in a relationship all the time. Mine
haven't exactly been note worthy."

"Then we'll do it together. Just like we'll take care of each other and
protect each other. Sound good to you?

"Will?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm done talking now. Will you take me home so I can teach you more
things?"



Buffy thought it was possible that conscientious Will had broken every
speeding record on their way back to the apartment. She had watched in
fascination as his member had not only risen, but stayed at attention
through the car ride home. And when she'd leaned over to nibble on his ear
and suck on his neck, she thought he'd cream his pants.

Once inside the apartment, he stalked her like a cat on the prowl. She
couldn't help but giggle, and not because it wasn't sexy –oh god was it! –
but because she found herself nervous. Nervous situations made her giggle.
Exploring anyone sexually for the first time was a little daunting, but this
was Will and it was his first time for it all. She wanted it to be special for
him. She stopped giggling. That wouldn't help his ego at all. Instead she
reached out and grabbed him, slamming her lips against his and wrapping her arms around him.

"Mmm…I love kissing you," she panted when she broke free. His lips
trailed down her neck, and he alternated between sucking and nipping at
her skin, causing goose bumps to form.

"You taste so good," he murmured. His head popped up, his eyes were
nearly black with lust. "I want to taste more." He grinned then and picked
her up, hauling her over his shoulder.

She swatted his behind and laughed. "You brute!"

"You like it," he told her and flipped her gently onto her bed. She looked up
at him. "I do," she agreed. She made fast work of kicking off her shoes and
then tugging off her pants and shirt. She started for her panties when
William grabbed her arm, halting her.

"No, I want to do that. For now, just let me . . . God, you're amazing. . . " he
gazed at her with such tenderness that her breath caught. Tossing his shirt
off, it was her turn to stare.

"Will, you're gorgeous," she blurted out.

He smiled, "Thank you, so are you."

"Come here," she crooked her finger at him."

Dipping his knee onto the bed, he started his prowl to her, gliding his hand
up her calf and down her thighs, just teasing his fingers on the edge of her
panties. That simple touch made her quiver.

"May I?" he asked, placing his hands on either side of her panties.

"Please," she nearly choked out.

He slowly slid her panties down her tanned and toned legs and discarded
them over his shoulder.

She figured he'd ask questions, take his time, maybe observe a bit. She was
wrong, Laying on his stomach, he spread her legs and dove in.

"Will," she managed to get out, "Do you know what--?"

"Let me try," he whispered and glided his hand down her slit. "You're
wet," he observed.

"Mmmm," she agreed.

"Is it because of me?" he asked, a taunting huskiness in his voice.

"Yes…"

"I want to taste you now," he informed her and licked the path his finger
had just taken. When he reached her clit, she twitched, trying not to grind
herself on him and scare him.

"Kitten likes it when I lick at her cream," he murmured deeply and this
time spread her lips with his fingers. "Now where's that little . . . mmm…
that it?" he asked and sucked her clit in his mouth.

"Oh Christ!" she shouted, her head dropping back onto the bed.

"Yep, that's it. Now what if I.." and he slid his finger inside her as he
suckled on her clit.

"Oh fuck…Will…oh god Will. . . " and she dug her fingers in his silky
platinum hair.

"I want more cream, kitten. Come for me so I can have more cream. . . "
He stopped sucking and twirled her clit with his tongue.

She was writhing, panting and moaning and she didn't care. She was
coming undone and just one little suck and she'd --

"Augghhhh!" she screamed out her ecstasy, her fingers now digging in the
bed so as not to hurt him. She felt him lapping at her and then he stopped.
When she looked back down at him, his head was on her thigh and he was
stroking it with his hand.

"You taste good, kitten. Can I have more?"

"Definitely, but not now."

"Why not?" he pouted.

She crooked her finger and he came up to her, kissing her hard. She rolled
him over and put his hands over his head. She smiled at him. "Because it's
my turn to have a taste."

Chapter 21

Buffy hovered over William, taking in his hooded, lust filled eyes and his scrumptiously bare chest. He was, in a word, beautiful. Gorgeous. A God. She was most definitely aroused and more than anything wanted to please him and in the process hopefully please herself. There was only one problem.

"Will, I've never done this before," she admitted.

His eyes widened. "What?"

"Blow job. Never done it before."

"You mean I'm—You've never?—" He was unknowingly undulating his hips
and she could feel him, tap, tap, tapping against her center. It was slowly
driving her wild and reminding her of what treats lay below.

She flipped herself over, facing his hardened cock and took it in her mouth;
sliding down and back up quickly. If he could do it with gusto, so could she.
His long moan of satisfaction was her answer that she'd done that okay.

What she lacked in experience, she could always make up in enthusiasm.
It'd worked for him. Worked well for him. Worked AWESOME for him. She
could feel her clit pulse and tighten at the thought of his mouth on her ---
which, it now was. Her head snapped up and to the side, looking over her
shoulder. Huh, whaddya know? She'd 69'd them without even thinking
about it. How's that for experimenting?

He grinned at her. "Looks like I get more cream after all."

Look at that smug little grin, she thought. She swiveled her head back to
his impressively long and thick member. She didn't have a ruler handy, but
she'd have to say it was at least 8 or 9 inches. She took it in her hand and
slid it down to the base. She fondled his balls and was only half disappointed
when she felt his talented tongue stop its talented work.

"Oh God, Buffy. . . " he breathed.

She grinned to herself and sucked him down again, continuing the motion a
few times. She wasn't getting all of him and it was frustrating. Deep
throating, that's what she wanted to do. Now how did Cosmo say to do it?
Oh yeah, relax the throat muscles. Taking a deep breath, she took him in
her mouth again as his finger found its way inside and he flicked her clit
with his tongue. He sucked hard on her at the same time she took him
down, down, down. And then swallowed.

"FUCK!" he shouted. "Buffy!"

All the way up, all the way down. Swallow.

"Oh God, Buffy… I'm. . . Jesus. . . Mary and Joseph. . . . "

She let him out with a plop. "Good to hear you calling on the saints baby."
Tentatively she licked his balls as she moved her hand up and down him.
He hissed. Then returned the favor by sucking her clit hard in his mouth.

Her eyes rolled back in her head and she moaned, undulating against him
and jacking him off with her hand. She was going to come soon and she
wanted him to come with her. He stabbed his tongue at her, doing some
kind of morse code with it and then sucked hard. Engulfing his member in
her mouth she swallowed him again and then glided back up to suck hard
on the tip, flicking her tongue across his slit on the head.

"MMM!!" he moaned loudly and doubled his ministrations. She did as well,
sucking his head hard into her mouth.

"Buffy!" he shouted and he erupted in her mouth. The first shot hit the
back of her throat and she swallowed. The second landed on her tongue and
she swallowed quickly as the third jet filled her mouth. After that she lost
track of how many spurts came in her mouth as her own orgasm took over
her and she came in his mouth. Some of his come dribbled out of the corner
of her mouth and she scooped it up with her finger and sucked his essence
inside. She tongue bathed him lovingly as he did her until he was clean and
shiny with her saliva. She decided she liked the taste. His taste. Taste of
William. Yum.

"Buffy," he breathed. "Let me see your face."

Flipping herself back round, she sprawled out on top of him.

He gazed up at her dazed, brushing some hair away from her face. "You're
going to be the death of me."

She giggled, "Ditto for you."

"You've never done that before?"

She shook her head.

"I'm a lucky bloke then aren't I?"

"Just as I'm a lucky girl."

"Just remember that so you can never leave me all right?" he said sleepily.

She rolled to his side and snuggled up to him as he turned to engulf her in
his strong arms.

"I think you wore me out," he chuckled.

"Mmm…same here. Sleep for a while?"

"Then I want to take my girl out. Let the world know that you're mine
now."

"Is that what I am? Yours?"

"Yep."

"Then you're mine as well," she said on a yawn.

"Always have been," he promised just before he drifted off. She watched
him as he slept, looking so angelic and peaceful. He'd allayed her fears for
the most part that day, the rest would come in time. It was hard to believe
he was still a virgin and that she was his first. She buried her head in his
chest. She just hoped he really didn't grow tired of her one day and want to
try all he'd learned on someone else. The thought brought tears to her eyes.
He was a red blooded British male after all. What if he wanted more?
He'd been breaking out of his shell more and more—What the hell would
she do if he decided he wanted to break free from her?

Her only consolation was that she hadn't told him she loved him back. And,
when she really thought about it, it wasn't much of a consolation at all. She
bit her lip. Who was she protecting now? Her or him?

Buffy woke up still thinking. God, she hated that. It was the type of sleep where you got some rest, but didn’t really feel the effects of it because your mind was still running. She peered over at the clock, twisting out of William’s arms. They’d been napping for two hours.

She looked up at William’s contented face, his
naked torso uncovered by the sheet that lay across them.
Her last thought before she’d fallen asleep echoed in her
mind: What would she do if he left her?

Crawling out of bed and quietly putting her
discarded clothes back on, her mind went on a whirlwind of
worst-case scenarios that weren’t all that worst case, but
could possibly be probable instead. Her mind heavy, her
heart feeling already broken and her nerves jumbled, she
asked herself what the hell was she doing getting involved
like this with William?

She thought back to their relationship in the
past, what they meant to each other and how it led them to
this moment. It seemed a natural course really. She’d saved
him from Riley’s bullying ways; she’d been the first girl that
was a friend. She’d gotten him out of the house and kept him
from holing himself up in his room with his nose in a book for
eternity, she’d attended college with him and she’d gotten him
to move out of his parent’s house. Then he claimed she was
the reason for this transformation of his.

Now they were sharing something that was
another first for William. Sex. Not all the way yet, but ‘sexual
relations’. Buffy rolled her eyes. Not to sound too much like Bill Clinton or anything. And the sharing of sexual relations was another first for William. A first for William that he was
sharing yet again with Buffy.

No wonder he claimed to love her, she thought
as she stepped out onto the porch and sat in the lawn chair
they’d put out there.

And yet, how could it be love? Didn’t people
often mistake love and gratitude? Not to sound too conceited
or anything Buffy, she scolded herself. And yet it was true.
In a long line of firsts that Will had, they had all been with her.
He’d never dated before so of course he felt comfortable
with her. They were always together so wasn’t it natural that
he would take such emotions and place them on her? How
did he even know they were real if these were things he’d
never shared with another?

She had, so she knew the difference. At least,
she thought so anyway. The feelings William invoked in her
were most definitely not just infatuation or a simple school girl
crush. She’d had both, so she knew the difference there too.
No, William evoked feelings in her that were much more than
that. Boundless, unimaginable and intense. She wanted him
like no other and she felt for him like no other. Her mother
was right, unfortunately. She’d loved him this whole time, but
just never realized how deeply she felt. Clichéd yes, but true
nonetheless. He thought she’d never seen him. Oh how
wrong he was. She fell for gentleness, his intelligence, his
sweet nature, his passion for odd things, his love of a good
mystery – even if that did lead to Drusilla. All those things that
made him William, she loved him for. And all those things that
made him ‘Spike’ she loved him for too. She’d always seen it
in him even if he hadn’t. Well, except for the attitude he had
sometimes.

William could hurt her. Terribly. He could grow
bored, he could want others once he’d had his taste of sex.
Hell, he’d already had his taste. She recalled how he loved
her taste, wanted more of it. He might wonder how others
taste. He’ll want to sow his oats and not settle. If he’d
harbored these feelings for her all this time, then they were
unrequited for a long time. People tend to hold on to
unrequited feelings, just waiting for the day for them to be
requited.

Now his feelings were, for the most part,
requited. The novelty could wear off—would wear off, she
told herself. He was spreading his wings now, making
changes in his life—why wouldn’t he want to embrace more
of life and what it had to offer? Including sex and love and
relationships and random one night—she couldn’t even think
of it.

“Buffy, luv?”

She looked over her shoulder to see William
standing in the doorway, bleary eyed with his hair on end. So
cute. “What are you doing?” he asked, stepping out onto the
deck. “Why didn’t you wake me?”

Her heart was in her throat. How would she let
him go? “I thought you could use some rest.”

He grinned then, “Oh? Plan to use my body
some more, pet? Not that I’m complainin’ at all. In point of
fact—“ he started to reach for her and she jumped up.

“I think I’m going to go to my mothers for dinner,”
she blurted out.

He blinked, confused. “Okay. I was going to take
you out Buffy.”

“You don’t have to,” she said nonchalantly, “I
mean if you have plans and stuff.”

“I don’t,” he said slowly. “You were my plans.”

“Oh, well, I figured you hadn’t seen Drusilla in a
while.”

“Pet, are you all right?”

“Fine. Why?” she asked and made her way into
the apartment and into the bedroom to get ready for her
spontaneous trip to her parents.

“Because you’re acting funny. Distant. I don’t
like it.”

“Well, I’m fine,” she told him and faced him so he
could see the faux truth in her eyes and face.

“I want to come with you,” he declared firmly.

“Will—“

“Buffy, we just shared something here and I
don’t –Did it mean anything to you at all?”

She nodded, afraid she was going to start
crying.

“Then can you let a fella know that?”

“I—it meant something,” she stammered.

He looked so worried and she felt so bad—but
would this pain be worth it in the long run before he left her?

“Then let me come with you or let me take you
out, please,” he pleaded, coming up to her and taking her in
his arms. He kissed her temple so gently, she nearly fell
apart. “I just want to spend some time with you, Buffy. You’re
my girl, right?”

She nodded. “Okay, Will. We can go out.”

“Thank you,” he whispered. He tilted her head
up and stared down at her, a worried and tender expression
on his face. “You know I love you right?”

She nodded, thinking ‘I thought I knew’.

“Okay,” he didn’t sound sure though. “Let’s get
ready to go out. The skies the limit for my girl.”

Yeah, but how much longer am I going to be
your girl? she wondered.

Chapter 23


He wasn't kidding when he said he wanted to treat her. Although she wondered when he chose the expensive Italian restaurant if he'd be able to afford rent this month after this.

Dinner was quiet, strained even. William kept talking as if that would distract her from what was on her mind and convince her that all was well while Buffy sat there wondering when the perfect time to break up with him was.

Was there ever a really good time to break up with someone? And how did you make them understand that it was for their own good? Well, that was maybe partly true. It was for selfish reasons as well. Would he ever forgive her for that? Could she really blame him if he didn't?

"I think we should go away some weekend—" William rambled.

She snapped to attention at that. "Go away? What? William, no."

He looked like a child that just got his favorite toy taken away. "Why not?"

"Because. . . "

"Because why?"

"Because I said so."

"What are you? My mother now?" he asked, irritably.

"Will, we'll talk about this later okay? Let's just finish our dinner."

"Dammit Buffy, you've barely spoken two words, you flinch when I touch you—Did I
do something wrong when we—? Did I say something wrong?"

"No, Will, listen," she reached across the table and took his hand. "We'll talk after—"

"Tell me. It's killing me. Just tell me, please. I can feel it in the air all around us.
Something just dangling there between us; wedging between us." He was stroking her hand
softly.

"Yeah, me," she muttered.

"Is it what we talked about this afternoon?"

"Some."

"What can I do to make those bad thoughts go away hmmm?"

She stared at him, at his hopeful and loving face. There was no right time to do this was
there? Alone, in public, on a Saturday or during the week. No good time. Ever.

"Will, I think you should see other people," she blurted out.

He stared at her, frozen. Then, "Come again?"

"I'm letting you go."

He gripped her hand tightly. "I don't want to be let go."

"Trust me, you need to do this," she said determinedly.

"No, I don't. I don't need to go anywhere, I don't need to be let go—Let go of what?
You? Us?"

"Yes," she said quietly.

He shook his head. "No. I'm not going anywhere. I don't know what craziness you've
cooked up in that head of yours, but I'm not going anywhere and I'm not going to let you shove
me away."

"I'm not shoving you away, Will. I'm setting you free."

His grip tightened even more on her hand. She winced and he loosened her just a bit.

"Why are saying this?" he demanded. "What are you doing? Why?"

"Will, everything you've done, it's been with me—moving, school, sex—"

"So? What's wrong with that? I love you."

"But—"

"There are no buts Buffy!" he shouted.

Silence fell in the restaurant followed by hushed whispers. Buffy tugged on her hand from his
grasp, mortified by his shouting. He appeared unfazed however. He was looking at her, his
eyes stormy, his expression angry.

"Can we talk about this after we leave please?" she whispered. "Can we not draw a crowd?"

"Fine," he bit out and reached into his pocket with one hand and threw some bills on
the table. He stood and tugged her to her feet.

"Will," she hissed.

"I don't care. You want to talk about this after we leave? Well, we're leaving now."

"This is one of those times where when I call you a brute it's NOT a compliment," she
told him angrily as he led her out of the restaurant.

"Do you want me to remind you of what we did after you called me that? Huh? Maybe that would make you forget this stupid nonsense."

"It's not nonsense!" she exclaimed once they'd reached outside. She yanked her hand free and stopped, right in front of the restaurant, right in the middle of the sidewalk. She was prepared to walk if he continued to act like a caveman.

"Yes it is!" he shouted at her. "What the fuck are you thinking? You're ‘letting me go', you're ‘setting me free'? That's bull shit and you know it!"

"Listen to me, please. I'm doing it for you—"

"You're not doing it for me, you're doing it for you. You've somehow gotten it in your head that I'm going to leave you, so you're leaving me before I can. Isn't that right Buffy?" he got in her face. "Isn't it?" he demanded.

She pushed him and stepped back. "I'm not going to lie. That is part of it."

"You selfish bitch," he spat.

She clenched her jaw. "Okay, I deserved that."

"You're right, you do!"

"Will, you've been changing so much about yourself. You've adopted a whole new way of looking at the world and how you want to approach it. You deserve the chance to see what you want to do with your brand new life. You don't need to be tied down to me—"

The anger left him and in its place was desperation. He gripped her arms and brought her closer to his body, begging her with tears shining in his eyes. "Buffy, you don't tie me down. I want to be with you, I choose to be with you. I love you."

"William, all these firsts you've had in your life has been with me. You feel safe with me, right?"

"Not right now I don't," he admitted, his voice wobbly.

Buffy let out a nervous chuckle, "Oh Will. I just want you to get a taste of the world
before you settle with me."

"Don't say that. Don't say ‘settle'. You make it sound as if there's other things in the
world that are better than you and by settling I'm just . . . settling. I don't want to ‘settle' Buffy.
I want to share my life with you. I want to love you and be with you and bask in everything
you have to offer."

"Will," she breathed, and caressed the side of her face, leaning her forward against his
as he held onto her tight. "Sometimes it's easy to confuse love and gratitude."

"Gratitude? Is this what I'm feeling right now? You're ripping my heart out and this is
gratitude?"

Tears ran unchecked down her cheeks and his. "Ever hear of the saying ‘If you love
something set it free, if it comes back it's yours, if it doesn't, it was never meant to be'?" she
asked him.

"I'm yours Buffy, I'm yours, why can't you just accept it?"

"I want you to give yourself the chance to see what else is out there, without me. Just try
William. And when you're done and if you still want me, I'll be here waiting for you."

He buried his face into her neck, his hot tears wetting her neck. "I don't understand
why you're doing this," he whimpered.

"Because I want you to be sure that what you're feeling is real and not based on our past or sex or gratitude—"

"It's NOT."

"Prove it to me. I want you to try William. I'll move out if—"

"No," he gasped, meeting her eyes. "I couldn't stand it if I couldn't see—" he kissed her then, hard and possessive. He pleaded with her in that kiss and when his hands started to roam up her blouse frantically, she knew she had to put a stop to it. She grabbed his hands, halting him. He stopped kissing her and looked at her. She shook her head. He dropped his hands.

"I'll never forgive you for this," he whispered.

"I might not forgive me either," she told him.

"That doesn't comfort me, if it was meant to," he told her truthfully. "I think I might hate you for this Buffy."

She didn't tell him that she hated her for it too. But she had to be sure. And, one day he could wonder if he himself was sure. In the long run, this was the best thing, right? Setting him free to explore the world on his own without her there all the time. He'd done it just a bit without her and found his place in the world as ‘Spike'. He deserved to find more. Even it meant another girl. Even it meant that her own heart would be ripped to shreds.

Love sucked ass.

Chapter 24

"You realize you're dumb, right?"

"Yes, Wills. I know," Buffy said on a sigh later that night in Willow's apartment. After William and Buffy had left the restaurant and gone home, his anger had come back full force. He'd screamed at her and told her to get out, that he couldn't stand to look at her.

"I get it though."

Buffy's head snapped up from her cup of tea. "You do?"

"In a way. Let me plays devils advocate. May I?"

"Like I'd be able to stop you."

Willow smirked, "True."

"So, on your side, you're doing this because William feels safe with you and has only done th
ings with you by his side," Willow began.

"Yes. And I'm not just talking about sex here. I'm talking everything else."

"Okay, I get that. Can I finish?"

"Sorry, go ahead."

"So you think that his love for you could be out of gratitude. That because he feels safe with you and because he's done all these ‘firsts' with you, he placed these feelings on you."

"Right. He's never experienced other girls. He's never dated; he's never had girls that were just friends outside of you and me. And you he met through me."

"So if he made friends with girls would you be satisfied?"

Buffy smiled gently. "I was bent out of shape when he met Drusilla. I was jealous beyond belief. I didn't want him to be with her because I wanted him—"

"And now you're sending him out to be with someone else. That's the part that I kind of don't get."

"I still want him Wills. And I will be jealous if or when he does find someone else, but he deserves the chance to find out what else is out there for him."

"So if he does find someone else and falls in love?"

Buffy winced. "Then it was never meant to be," she said, her voice cracking with emotion. She took a deep breath. "Look what happened when he did meet Drusilla. He changed. And it was without me. He was right; he needed to do that without me. I was jealous because I wanted to be part of it. That was wrong of me, I see that now. He can't be the person he needs and wants to be with me there. I'm his safety net, the one he depends on and let's face it, I depend on him too. Sometimes the best things for us are the hardest things to do. He became a new man without me there, he discovered things about himself and how the world reacts to him with his newfound confidence. He should discover more, without me there to hinder him in any way."

"Has it occurred to you that he wants to share those things with you?"

"Where does it stop Wills? He's shared moving out with me, he's explored some of sex with me, he's shared going to college with me. There isn't much that he's done without me."

"So you want him to stand on his own two feet in the hopes that he'll learn more about himself in ways he might be stopped with you and in the process you hope he'll come back to you in the end," Wills summed up.

"Right."

"It's weird because. . . I want to smack you for it, and yet I want to almost . . . commend you for it too. Though I think commend is too strong a word. Buffy," she shook her head, "he loves you so much. I know he does and I don't think its gratitude at all. I also can't help but think that this is for selfish reasons for you. You're so afraid the day COULD come that he'll grow tired of you that you're shoving him away all on ‘might happen'. And then on the other hand, I know that sometimes you have to break free to see what you're capable of on your own, much like I did when I left my fathers home. I became self sufficient right quick, so I get what you're saying about discovering yourself on your own. You know what's really odd?"

"What?"

"I told him the night of the party," she chuckled, "last night as a matter of fact. Isn't funny how you can cram so much in a day?"

"Tell me about it," Buffy said dryly.

"I told him last night when he wanted to go hunting for you after you took your ‘I am woman, hear me roar' stand, to make you go looking for him. Buffy, don't you think it's possible that you're going to be the one looking for him at the end of all this? That maybe there's a chance he won't come back and you'll have lost out?"

Tears slipped from Buffy's eyes and she nodded.

The phone ringing startled Willow. "Who could possibly be calling at this hour? I'm not even on call." She grabbed the phone off the coffee table. "Hello? . . . Hi William."

Buffy looked up, wiping tears away and trying not to let him hear over the phone that she was a mess at the moment.
Willow looked at her sadly. "Yeah, Will, she's here. . . Have you been drinking? Yeah, she told me . . . Will, maybe you should call Xander and have him come over – Okay honey, you go to bed. . . Night."

"Is he all right? Should I go home?" Buffy asked, grabbing blindly for her purse that she'd strewn on the couch.

"No, stay. He's going to sleep it off. He just wanted to make sure you were here and not out with some guy."

"He thinks I let him go so I can be free," Buffy said softly.

"Probably, yes. He said you were off your bloody rocker."

"Can't really argue with him on that."

"You should get some sleep too, Buffy. Things have a way of looking clearer after some rest."

"Yeah," Buffy said distantly, remembering how after her nap that afternoon she hadn't felt rested at all which had led her down the path she was set on at the moment. "Do you have any sleeping pills? I just need something that will give me no choice but to sleep."

"Uh, yeah, I think I have something. Buffy – what are you going to do about living there? You can't stay there, it'd be weird and not right somehow."

"Yeah, I know. I'll figure that out tomorrow."

"After all tomorrow is another day, ay Scarlet?"

"Do you think Will won't give a damn some day?"

"No, I think he always will. I really do."

Buffy sighed, "So. How bout them pills?"




Spike was suffering from the worst hangover ever. It felt good at the time, all the cool amber liquid sending him into a pleasant numbness. Then, just before bed, he sobbed over Buffy and fell asleep. Lying on his back in bed, he stared at the ceiling praying that the night before had just been a dream and Buffy hadn't broken up with him after all. Instead, they'd had a nice dinner out and gone back home to making some more love and drank too much wine. Yes, that sounded much better.

A thud coming across the kitchen caught his attention. Buffy was home. He rolled out of bed, holding his head and hoping the incessant pounding would go away. He stumbled into the kitchen and into Buffy's room. She was tossing her shoes into her closet. She turned when she saw him. Why did she have to look so lovely?

"Will, you look like shit," she stated.

"Thanks. Why don't you just step on my head while I'm drowning too?"

She frowned, "Sorry. Did you take anything before you went to bed? Had any water?"

"No. I didn't have you here to take care of me and make sure I do all those things. Oh. Right. You want me to learn those things on my own," he said sarcastically.

She pursed her lips together. "Will, I think it'd be best if I left."

He stared hard at her. "How do you mean exactly?"

"I mean, I think it'd be best if I went home for a while."

"You mean move out?"

"Yes."

"I told you last night I didn't want you to do that," he said thickly.

"You did, but Will . . . this isn't going to work. You have to know that."

"Oh yet another thing that isn't going to work for you! Big fucking surprise. It gets a
little too much for Buffy and she has to bolt. Isn't that the story of your fucking life?"

"You want to go through this everyday?" she asked quietly.

Tears stung his eyes. "No. But I don't want to go without you everyday either."

"So we'll tear each other to shreds everyday until there's nothing left?"

"There's nothing left now, you made sure of that last night when you ripped my still
beating heart out of my chest and stomped on it," he said matter of factly.

Tears dripped from her eyes. He was almost stunned to see them. His hands itched to
reach out and brush them away, but he couldn't. He had his own tears to fight; he didn't have
it in him at the moment to fight hers too.

"Do you have enough money to afford rent?" she continued.

"Possibly."

"If you don't, then I'll just pay rent until you find a roommate."

"I don't want your fucking charity Buffy."

"I'm trying to help!"

"Every time you try to help you fuck everything up!"

"Then I'll leave and stop trying to help okay? I'll get out of here and –"

He was on her in two quick strides. He gripped her arms and pulled her against him
roughly. "I don't want you to go. I want you to stay with me. Why is it so hard for you to do
that? Do you care for me at all?"

Her eyes widened. "I do, William, I do care for you so much."

"Then why are you doing this?" he asked, the tears more than just stinging his eyes,
they were freely falling now.

"You can do this without me. You can. The world is your oyster and all that stuff. You
changed already without me, just think of what awaits you out there. You have to do it alone so
you can see what you're capable of. I see so much in you William—"

"I love you," he cried.

"William, please—"

He released her with a roar, "GO! Fucking go! I don't want to see you. Just get the fuck
out!" he screamed at her and stormed off, slamming the door shut to his bedroom, which didn't
help his pounding head. He sank onto the floor and sobbed, his sobs drowning out those of
Buffy's in the next room.

Chapter 25


Stuffing his hands in his pockets, Spike made his way to the bookstore to get some coffee and perhaps a book. Anything to take his mind off what was happening. Deciding he'd needed air and exercise, he'd left the apartment after a long shower and went to visit his parents. He broke down when he told his mom what had happened with he and Buffy and Jenny Giles was outraged at Buffy. She consoled her son as best she could, but it was his dad, Rupert Giles, that had his head spinning. He'd apparently been listening to Spike in the doorway and had come into the room and sat down across from his son and relayed to him the story of when he was learning how to ride his bike without training wheels. Spike had been mortified that he was bringing that up since it'd taken him until he was ten to get the damn things off.

"You were afraid to take them off because you were afraid to fall. You just didn't want to take that leap alone. It wasn't until the other kids started teasing you that you allowed me to take them off. And when I was teaching you, you made me hold onto that seat handle while you learned to gain your balance. The minute I let go, you would stop. I knew you could do it William; you just didn't have any confidence in yourself to go it on your own. Then, one day, I let go and didn't say a word. You rode and rode without my help, without even knowing I wasn't there. You just took off. You inevitably crashed, but you gained some confidence in yourself once you saw the distance you went without me there to hold on. After that, you rode that bike all over. Wouldn't it be nice to ride like that again?"

His mother had scolded him, but Rupert merely winked at his son and left the room. After that, Spike had pulled himself together and decided to have some time to himself. Hence, the bookstore. Something Buffy hated doing with him. She got bored easily and would badger him to just choose something already.

Entering the bookstore, he inhaled the scent of coffee and books and found himself heading towards the journal section of the bookstore. He couldn't remember the last time he'd penned anything. It was something he used to do all the time when he wasn't, as Buffy put it, ‘holing himself up in his room with his nose in a book.' Often times it was holing himself up in his room with a pen in his hand writing bloody awful poetry. He grabbed a leather bound book off the shelf and felt the cool smoothness of it, a poem already forming in his mind. Grabbing an overly expensive pen he headed towards the register and paid for his purchases before heading over to the café and getting himself a coffee. Settling in a chair in the corner, he opened his new journal and began to write.

One Wish

I learned the love rule early on:
Hearts are meant to be broken.
And for that, I don't need it.
A cold, hard shell is what I'll become.

The only person you can count on is yourself.
Others will trip you,
let you down,
cheat on you, and
sink you into blackness.

I will lean on me.

I will love me.

And only me.

It's a muddled mess of "what ifs" and "have not's",
a mass of regret,
a plethora of lies,
a constant ache.
Not piercing the heart
but stabbing the soul.

So now I am done
scratching out the eyes
of the apathetic,
drowning in bad blood, and
licking my wounds.

I have only one wish to ask of you…

Send me a dream
to sustain me through;
a gentle touch
I'll not know for I
don't want it.

Wrap me in a cocoon,
hide me away
let my gentle heart be--
it beats for me

and no one else.

Now if only he really meant that. His heart beat for Buffy. That was the thing. It always had and it always would. It felt good to express himself in such a way though. Writing was the perfect catharsis, and right now he had so much inside of him he needed to purge.



Across town, Buffy was realizing that even her mothers understanding had its limits. After listening for an hour over how horrible she was being to William, Buffy left her mothers in tears and headed for Willow's. She wouldn't be moving back until her mother had calmed down that much was for sure. Hopefully, Willow could put her up for some time.

She felt like a monster, a cretin, scum. Maybe it was better if she just disappeared altogether. Maybe William's life would be much better if she wasn't around to fuck it up even more. Then he could forget about her completely and move on with his life. Someday he'd think of the screwed up girl that broke his heart, but then he'd thank her for it while he wrapped an arm around his wife and beamed at his beautiful children. William's angry words came back to her ‘It gets a little too much for Buffy and she has to bolt. Isn't that the story of your fucking life?' He was right. He was completely right. Something got a little too hard for her and she took off. She didn't want to deal with something and she ran. So, no. She wasn't going to skip town and start over. She'd stay and face up to her actions. She didn't see how it would help either of them for her to stay in the apartment, but she wouldn't run with her tail between her legs.

"I'm doing the right thing," she said aloud to the night sky. "I'm doing what I feel is right and that's all any of us can do in this world. And if it ends up that I lose William. . . " she took a deep breath, "Then it was never meant to be." Or it could be because you were selfish, a voice, sounding much like Williams said in her head. "Yes, it could very well be that too. Then it's something I'll have to live for the rest of my life with. I also really have to stop talking out loud to myself. I'm going to get locked up if anyone is listening to me. Course, then I'd have the padded room I probably deserve and maybe some drugs to go with it. Where would be the bad in that?" Clamping her mouth shut, Buffy made her way home to call Willow and hopefully pack for a few nights.



**One Wish is original poetry by yours truly**

Chapter 26

Spike rolled over in bed and rubbed his eyes. Another morning, another hangover. He remembered writing for a long time in that bookshop the night before. Then, when he felt his heartbreak start to overcome him yet again, he'd taken off to a nearby bar and proceeded to get falling down drunk. Thankfully, his downstairs neighbor Andrew had been there when the bartender demanded he call someone or he was putting him in a cab. At that point Spike hadn't been sure he even remembered how to get home.

Buffy was gone. She'd left a note saying she was staying at Willows for a while. God, he missed her. He knew the heart was an organ and that as an organ it was incapable of actually feeling emotion, but his heart was aching so much it felt as if he was having a heart attack.

"What am I going to do?" he asked himself aloud.

"Well, you're not going to be drinking again anytime soon," a voice replied.

Spike shot up in bed. Andrew was standing in the doorway, sipping what
looked like orange juice. "You're still here?" Spike asked incredulously.

"Yeah, a little thing called alcohol poisoning had me a little concerned last
night mister," Andrew scolded. "Do you know how many times you threw
up? I think you threw up twice for every drink you imbibed."

Spike winced. "Thanks Andrew, but you really didn't have to stay."

He shrugged, "What can I say? I'm a giver."

Spike couldn't help but chuckle at that. It hurt his head to do so. He winced
and clutched at it.

"I put a glass of water on your nightstand and some aspirin. Like I said,
I'm a giver."

"Thanks," Spike said uncertainly.

"Is this about a girl?"

Spike raised an eyebrow as he popped the pills and took a long drink of
water. "Yes," he said once he'd put the cup down.

"Your roommate?" Andrew asked and practically bounced in the room,
settling himself on Spike's bed.

Spike eyed him warily, feeling this was somehow too close. "Yeah," he said
slowly.

"It's not like I'm super intuitive or anything, you just kept slurring her
name. I think you added a few more ‘f's' and ‘y's' to her name thought. It
kept coming out like ‘Buffffyyyy'. It was comical in an annoying drunken
way."

"I don't know what to say to that," Spike said carefully.

Andrew shrugged, "Nothing you can say. So, what'd she do? Should I refer
to her as an evil bitch? You did last night a few times."

"No you may not call her that. She might be an evil bitch, but she's my evil
bitch."

"Ha! You've got it bad. What's that like?"

Spike stared at Andrew, wondering if he was for real.

"Yes, I'm really that odd. Answer me now please."

Spike sighed, not sure why he was about to open up to Andrew, but at least
someone was here to listen to him. "Well, it feels like my soul has been
sliced through and my heart—"

"Has been pureed?" Andrew finished andthen sighed dramatically. "I've
never felt that way, but I can't wait to."

"You can't WAIT for that?" Spike asked incredulously.

"Yes, because it is better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved
at all," Andrew chirped.

"That's horseshit. I'd rather—" he stopped, thinking of Buffy's sweet smile,
the way she felt in his arms, the way she made him laugh. Would he really
wish to have given all of that up in exchange for how he was feeling at the
present moment?

"You were saying?" Andrew prompted, batting his eyelashes and looking
at him knowingly.

"Oh shut up," Spike grumbled.

"Grumpy bear! So dish. I want to know what happened. I promise to only
tell Warren and Jonathan and no one else. Well, except for a few people at
work, but I will change the names to protect the innocent."

Spike couldn't help but laugh. "At least you're honest."

"I am! Now tell me how she done you wrong."



*****************************************************************


"I'm being selfish, aren't I? And controlling. I'm telling him how to live his life; I'm telling him what to do, aren't I?" Buffy asked Willow over coffee in the morning, on the brink of tears.

Willow stared off thoughtfully and stirred the cream into her coffee. "Well, I can see how it would seem as if you are being selfish and controlling. And yet . . . "

Silence.

"Care to finish that thought because I'm minutes away from checking
myself into the fifth floor of the hospital."

"And yet, I can see how you're not being selfish."

Buffy rolled her eyes. "Well, I'm glad I waited for that profound and
insightful statement Nurse Rosenberg. All right, that's it. Call your psych
friends, I'm checking myself in."

"I think the fact that you know you're crazy is a step in the right direction."

"Is it?"

"At least you know that letting William go is the single most insane thing
you've ever done. Well, aside from actually wearing the Joey Lawrence
from ‘Blossom' t shirt Xander dared you to in the seventh grade."

"I'll make sure to put that on when I check myself in. I figure that'll be my
shoo in."

Willow sighed. "Buffy, you told me that when William started changing you
felt neglected because he did it without you. You were hurt by that, I
remember. You wondered why he couldn't have done those things with
you. And I remember you telling me he told you that sometimes it takes a
person outside of your. . . realm, if you will, to see the changes you need to
make. Which makes perfect sense. You then told me that he said he did all
those things for you and because of you."

"Right."

"Well, when making life changes, one should do it for themselves and not
for anyone else. When you start doing that shit, you end up resenting the
person you made changes for in the first place. Because what if it's not
where you want to be? What if you want something different? Then you
end up living your life by someone else's standards and that's where
resentment takes root and thrives. I don't think it's selfish to say you want
William to be ‘Spike' for HIM and not for you. I think its only controlling
when you tell him HOW to do that."

"Like when I told him to date other girls?"

Willow nodded slowly. "Yes, that could be considered controlling," Willow
said diplomatically. "Perhaps you could have said that you wanted to give
him time to discover himself."

"I did, later, in a way."

"Is there a time limit on this self discovery?"

"No, but I really didn't think that part through."

"Damn you!"

"Well, I can't have all the answers. Even though it was my bright idea." She
sighed heavily. "See, when this whole thought process came to me it was
because I was afraid he'd grow bored of me and want to try other girls. It
was all about his sexual exploration and wanting to take it outside me. But,
then its expanded since then into him exploring more than just that. Now
it's that I don't want to hinder his growth. I told him once that he was right
in not wanting others to hinder him self discovery and change because they
could put a different spin on it, maybe they wouldn't like something that he
felt strongly about changing and influence his decision. I could be that
person. And, because he loved me, maybe he'd do what I wanted him to do
instead of what he wanted to do. Then I'd just be holding him back.
I fell in love with William. I fell in love with Spike, but I never got to know
all of Spike because William was still in the process of becoming Spike. He
wanted to explore with me all that he was inside, and I wanted that too. But
it got me thinking later that. . . let's take his hair for example. I never would
come up with the idea for him to bleach his hair. He did that on his own. Now if he had approached me about that, I would have told him it wouldn't look good."

"You would have wrinkled your nose."

Buffy chuckled, "Exactly. So then knowing William, he probably wouldn't
have done it. Now what other things would I have stopped him from doing?
Hair is a small thing, but what if there are others he came to me about and
I just wrinkled my nose about it? Not to say that everything he'll change I'll
embrace even without me, but he should be able to do things like that
without me there to hinder him or keep him as the William he so
desperately wanted to change to begin with. I love him Willow. I do so very
much and I know that I hurt him," her eyes welled up in tears. "But I can't
help but think I did right by him too. I have a good feeling about this."

"It's just. . . I hear a lot of ‘maybe's' and ‘perhaps' and ‘what if's'. You don't
know that these things would have happened, Buffy. You don't know that
he wouldn't have gone out and changed his hair despite what you said."

"True, but. . . when it comes to changing things in your life and figuring out
the things you want to do with it and how you want to live it, no one knows
better than you what's going to work and what will fit. I just don't want to
hinder any of that for him. I can't predict what'll happen with him and I'm
not putting a time stamp on anything or telling him how to do anything.
That's the whole point."

"And what about you? What have you learned?"

Buffy sighed heavily. "That my ‘shoot first, apologize later' way of life has
got to end."

***************************************************************
Andrew was nodding thoughtfully and rubbing his chin as Spike spilled his story about what had happened with Buffy and what she had told him. When he was done, Andrew just studied him thoughtfully.

"What?" Spike asked impatiently.

"I'm just wondering what you'll do."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, how are you going to handle this? Are you going to wallow in self
pity and drink yourself into oblivion every night which is most definitely
NOT what she wants for you, or are you going to do something productive
with yourself?"

Spike stared at him, stunned.

"It seems to me you have a choice here," Andrew said standing up and
looking down at him. "You can wallow in this and self destruct or you can
find out just what kind of strength the Spike in you has. Wallowing isn't
going to get her back and self destructing isn't going to do you any favors.
However, if you figure out what you want to do with yourself, you could
find out about things you never knew you were capable of—and like the
great man Frankie, you can belt out that you did it your way. So, what are
you gonna do?"





**A/N: I won't be able to update for a couple days as I'm going on vacation. I'll update quickly when I get back! :)

Chapter 27

One could claim that Andrew was weird. However, he was smart. At least Spike was beginning to think so. The guy had gotten Spike out of the house and treated him to a greasy breakfast and then took him shopping---yes,shopping. Andrew told him that if he insisted in being in mourning over the loss of Buffy, then he should dress the part and insisted on buying him a few black t shirts and jeans. Spike had laughed, whilst trying to decipher if Andrew was gay or not. He decided in the end, he didn't much care.

"A wise man once said ‘What a silly thing love is! It is not half as useful as logic, for it does not prove anything and it is always telling one things that are not going to happen, and making one believe things that are not true,'" Andrew quoted.

"Who said it?"

"Oscar Wilde."

"Ah, I've read him. Funny man."

"And he had a knack for being brutally honest and saying things as they are. He also
said once that ‘When one is in love one begins by deceiving oneself. And one ends by deceiving
others. That is what the world calls romance.'"

"You believe that too?"

Andrew shrugged. "I'm not sure. The first one though . . . Should I believe it?"

"I think I'm the wrong one to ask," Spike said frankly.

"I think Buffy loves you very much."

Spike's eyes widened at that and he stopped in the middle of the department store aisle.
"You did hear my story this morning right? How she left me?"

"She didn't leave you. She set you free. There's a difference. To leave someone is to take
off without a backward glance and without a care. To set you free implies that she could have
held the cage closed out of selfishness to keep you behind those bars. Setting you free implies
that she loved you enough to want you to be free."

"I don't WANT to be free, Andrew. She wasn't holding me back from anything
aside from being free to love her!"

Andrew tsked him. "Ever think that maybe she was afraid that she'd hinder you in
some way? Hold you back? Maybe she had the foresight to see it happen and you couldn't."

That stumped him. Stumped him enough to seek Buffy out after having dropped his bags and Andrew off at the apartment.

He stood outside Willow's apartment with his fist poised to knock and yet could not
bring himself to do it. He knew the heartache and anger he'd feel at seeing her beautiful face
again and wasn't sure he could endure another match where he begged her to come back and
she told him no.

He was about to walk away when the door opened. He turned to see a stunned Buffy.

"Will?"

"Hi," he greeted her quietly. The scent of vanilla and lavender wafted to him and he
stuck his hands in his pockets. He wouldn't go to her. He'd stand right there in the hall and
fight the urge to go to her.

"Want to come in?"

"Sure." Stupid git—what happened to staying in the hall?

He breezed past her and entered Willow's. He turned to Buffy, unsure what to do with
himself.

"Is everything okay with the apartment? Do you need anything?"

"Buffy, did you think that you would have hurt me or that I would have hurt you? Is
that why you ‘set me free'?"

She stood there in the doorway after having just shut the door. The expression on her
face told him she wasn't prepared for that question. She appeared to be mulling it over in her
mind.

"Yes," she finally answered.

"Which part?"

"Both."

"Care to elaborate?" he asked, raking a hand through his hair.

"Would you like to sit first?"

"No, I just. . . I want to know."

"Okay. Can I use a metaphor?"

"Could I really stop you?"

"Not really, I've been working on it for some time now."

"Well, then don't let me stop you from bouncing your metaphor off on me. English was
my specialty, lets see if this is any good," and he tossed her a lopsided grin.

"You'll probably hate it."

"Tell me and take the chance."

"That's a loaded statement if I ever heard one," she muttered.

"If only you'd taken the chance huh?"

Buffy sighed. "I did take a chance. Just not on the same thing you're talking about. . . I'll
start with the metaphor. It has to do with cookie dough."

Now Spike sighed, "This oughta be good."

She gave him a wan smile. "Keep an open mind Will, please?"

"I think I will sit after all," he said and he placed himself on Willow's couch. Buffy sat
across the room from him on Willow's love seat.

"Will, lets say that when you met Drusilla you had taken some ingredients out for
cookies, except you didn't know how to put them together. You had an idea, but you didn't
know it well enough to do it on your own. So Dru came along and handed you the recipe and
off you went. She encouraged you and I . . . well, I was the one you were making cookies for.
Let's say she told you to add nuts. . . and you chopped them up to add. You thought they'd
make the cookies better. . . edgier. Then I came in and told you I hated nuts, and I didn't even
like the cookies you were making as a matter of fact."

"You love chocolate chip."

"I do. With nuts on occasion too. So, I tell you I hate nuts and I tell you that I hate the
chocolate chip cookies because really, I'm insulted that you didn't ask me for the recipe. After
all, I know how to make cookies better than anyone, and I feel that I can help you make the
cookies the best because I know how I like those cookies. You tell me that I can help do it with
you. Except, now I can't. The recipe is not mine, it's yours. It was yours all along really. It's still
yours. I had no right to tell you how to bake your cookies. They're YOUR cookies."

"But I made them for you. I should make them how you like them."

She bit her lip. "Or, I should accept that you have different way of making cookies and
not criticize or tell you how to do it."

Silence fell and Spike mulled over her scenario. "So, I'm the cookie dough in this
scenario is what you're saying?"

"Right."

"Okay, but right now the dough is just still dough. They haven't been baked yet."

"Right, exactly. So, I'm leaving the room Will and telling you to add the nuts and when
they're done making them the way you want them and they're all done baking, I know I'll
want to eat them. However long it takes for them to be done. Only you can know that."

He regarded her silently. "I'm not done baking."

"Right. And I don't want to be the one to tell you how to . . . bake yourself. I want to be
the one that lets you . . . bake . . . all on your own. I don't want to hold you back Will, what kind
of friend or girlfriend would I be if I did that?"

"And what about the other girls you want me to experience? You still want me to find
someone else to love? Because I can't see it happening Buffy. I love someone else and that just
means there's less love there for you and I can't . . . "

"I won't lie to you Will. I started out wanting to protect myself because I was convinced
you'd eventually grow bored of me and want to try things with other women."

"Even though I had the chance to do it and still came back to you? I know I could have
with Dru or any of those other women that wanted me—"

"But you feel comfortable with me. You're a creature of comfort Will. You always have
been. You do what's in your safety net to do and you're not exactly adventurous."

"So, you think one day that my adventurous spirit could burst forth," he stated.

"Right. You know the saying of ‘sowing your wild oats'…"

"I don't WANT to sow my oats!"

"And what if I'm an oat Will?"

He shook his head furiously. "No, you're not an oat. You're my girl. My Buffy. You
always have been and you always will be. I don't want anyone else because you're it Buffy,
why can't you just trust me on this?"

"Will. Just let me do this for you, please? I know you're angry with me right now and
you don't understand, but one day you will. I pray it's sooner than later."

Spike sighed and raked a hand through his hair. "It seems you're not the only one that
holds the same thoughts."

"Oh? So not everyone hates me?"

He shook his head. "No, not everyone. Does everyone seem to hate you?"


"My mom and Dawn. Willow's been a good devils advocate."

"My mom is upset with you."

Buffy nodded sadly. "Didn't imagine I'd have a lot of fans, but Will. . . I don't care what
they think of me. I only care what you think."

"Do you?" he asked quietly, looking down at the floor.

"I love you."

His head shot up at that. "Don't tell me that when I can't even . . . don't tell me that," he
whispered fiercely.

"I'm sorry, but what I did—"

"And don't tell me you did it because you love me."

Buffy clamped her mouth shut. Then, "Does a small part of you understand at least?"
she asked softly.

Spike stood from his place on the couch and went for the door. He stopped in front of
her as she looked up at him with wide watery green eyes. He itched to kiss her, touch her, hold
her and not let her go, but he knew he couldn't.

"Yes," he said softly and walked out the door. He stood in the hallway, listening to her
cry and wanting to go to her, but knowing it wasn't what she wanted him to do. She wanted
him to go . . . so he went.

Chapter 28

"You know what I think?" Buffy started as her and Willow sat having an early dinner at a nearby café. Willow was looking at the newspaper and Buffy had started thinking. Something she'd been doing a lot of.

Willow looked up, "What?"

Pushing hair from her face after a slight breeze blew through, Buffy started. "I think that it's not that someone is either a fast learner or a slow learner, I think people just as a general rule don't understand why people don't do things the way they themselves do it so they subconsciously try to make people do things the way they do it."

Willow blinked, "Huh?"

"Well, this morning for example. Cathy was getting coffee for her and Lisa while they were chatting in the break room. Cathy takes her coffee with cream and two Sweet n' Lows. Lisa takes her coffee black. Now Cathy knows this, I know she does because she's made comments each and every time how gross she thinks it is that Lisa doesn't put anything in her coffee. So then Cathy asks Lisa in the midst of conversation if Lisa wants cream or sugar in her coffee."

"So you think that because she doesn't understand why Lisa takes her coffee black, she was subconsciously trying to get her to put cream and sugar in her coffee?"

"Yes," Buffy said proudly, sitting back and pushing up her sunglasses.

"You don't think that she just got caught up in the conversation?"

"No, I don't."

"You might be on to something. Coming up with more theories on Will huh?"

"I don't want to talk about it," Buffy said hastily and peered over at the paper in front of
Willow. "What's new in the world?"

"Your horoscope is interesting."

"What's it say?"

"To stop avoiding uncomfortable topics and face them head on."

"That's crap. You just made that up," Buffy shook her head.

"Okay, so it's my horoscope for you. Buffy, it's been two weeks," Willow said, leaning
forward. "Now I think you get the importance of it because you've alternated between being
uber bitchy to being in an uber funk. The only time I've ever known you to go this long without
speaking to William was when . . . No. You called him twice when you were on vacation with
your parents in Arizona senior year in high school. So the longest you've gone without talking
to William has been four days. Face it, you need your fix."

Buffy shook her head. "I can't."

"Why not?"

"Because it'd be sending mixed signals," she snorted, "because I haven't quite done that
enough already!"

"Aren't you curious to see how he's doing? All you've had to go on is what state the
apartment has been in when you go to pick up more stuff from the apartment. Which, I might
add, is half yours and you're not living there. What's the deal Buffy? You're wasting money."

That did it. Buffy started to cry. "I'm such a fuck up."

"Christ, Buffy, I'm sorry," Willow stood up and moved to sit next to her, wrapping an
arm around her friend as she cried. "You're not a fuck up Buffy. I told you all this time that I
get what you're doing . . . "

"Oh who the fuck cares anymore? My mother hates me, Dawn's planning her chance
with William, my dad just shakes his head at me. . . and William hates me too. Which you
know what? He has every right to hate me. I shoved him out."

"You didn't shove him out, Buffy. There was no shoving. It was a gentle push."

"I thought I was doing the right thing for him. For us. I wasn't trying to control him
Willow, I swear. I was trying NOT to control him, that's why I did it . . . "

"I know Buffy. Listen, sometimes doing what you feel is right is not always easy.
Sometimes you get stoned for it. The path isn't always clear when you set yourself on it, but all
you can do is do what is best with the information you have available. No one knows what's
going to happen in the future, no one can be sure when they set out to do something they
thought was right that it'll end up being what is actually right. Foresight is not always
something we're gifted with unfortunately. Hindsight, however, is. I know you love William,
Buffy. I've always known it, and what's more is that William knows it too. I just think you'd
both benefit from seeing each other once in a while. I think it'd ease your mind and I'm willing
to bet it'd ease his."


Spike was seated in the far corner of the bookstore café , his notebook laid out before him, his pen poised to write. He was nervous this evening. He'd filled half his notebook in two weeks, writing until he was sure he had no more words left him. God, did he write, sometimes until two in the morning. Not good when you had a class to look after in the morning. Middle school students were quite demanding of your time.

Yet he had so much to write about. He wrote about life, love, heartache. Whenever he felt an ache for Buffy, he wrote. Whenever he felt unsure about what the hell he was doing with his life, he wrote. Currently, the page was flipped open to a poem he'd written the night before. It made him think of how he felt as if he was heading toward something but couldn't seem to find the trigger to get there. It also, as most things did, made him think of Buffy.

Ambition

Time is slipping by in your
Might Be Hands.
You've depleted the Resources of the Land,
so it's time to go.
At your age, it's absurd
to stay in the same place.
Don't bite the Apple, my pretty.
You'll miss the most important part
of your journey.
So go running little Alice
out into Wonderland.
What's that?
You can't get out of your own way
tripping on your shoelaces that you can't even tie
not sure what end is up
Lost?
Well, whose fault is that—
you were supposed to be following the Rabbit
when he was guiding you down the Bunny Trail
Of Life.
Before you is Success.
Seated on the Right Hand of Achievement is Love
And on the Left Hand is Nothing.
In the name of the
Should Have Been
Could Have Been
And What is Left
You are Deserted.
Oh Toto, I think we're Stuck in Oz.
If Change is the Upheaval in our quest
for Stability—why do we yearn for it?
Greener Pastures Abound
Make friends with your Daredevil Neighboor Chance
and if you're too scared don't look to Deepest Of Sympathy
for Guidance. She'll just keep you where you don't need to be.
Instead, find Tough Love.
And when you're all done calling on the Saints of Hopes
Dreams and
Wishes
Call upon Yourself and Find Out
What Will Be.


He thought about sending it to her with an arrow pointing to ‘Tough Love' with a note that simply said ‘You.' Then it made him think of the track she was on. Was she happy? Did she need to be without him to find out who she was too? So much about her was still the vivacious and impulsive girl she'd been in high school and throughout college. She never took the time to think things through, she always just did. And when she stumbled, he was always there to help her up and dust her off for her next adventure. And what did she do for him? She coddled him, kept him close by her so that he didn't get hurt. She protected him. He supposed that's what sucked so hard about the current situation. In fact, that was the key to the whole thing. She didn't coddle him this time, didn't protect him. She'd set him free to stumble, to fall and to get hurt. During times of near insanity he would harshly declare that she tore his heart out before shoving him down. In times of clarity, he saw how she was forcing him to call upon himself and find out what will be. Yeah, he was going to send it to her. Just one thing he had to do first.

A man of medium height brought himself to the mic in the center of the cafe. "Hello everyone," he greeted the growing number of bodies filtering in and occupying the surrounding tables. Spike noted he had a British accent. That piqued his interest all the more. "Let's say we get this poetry reading kicked off?" The man continued. "Our first reader is Spike. Spike why don't you come up and read for us?"

Spike stood on wobbly legs. He took a deep breath. ‘You own the room,' Dru had told him. Straightening his gait, and not allowing himself to slouch and hide, Spike sauntered up to the mic, keeping his eye on the prize. Clutching his notebook he greeted the audience and began.


**Poem by yours truly**

Chapter 29

Spike bounded up the stairs to the apartment, whistling, feeling a slight spring to his step. He was still on a high from the night before at the poetry reading. He'd been writing for years, but had never shared aside from his mother. She had always told him how talented he was, but he just figured she was saying that because she was him mom. Moms were supposed to inflate their offspring's egos. And, if he was honest with himself, he thought he had a knack for writing too. Last night, he'd felt validated in that thought. He'd gotten praise from more than one person and they wished him back for the next week. It was exhilarating standing up there, having all eyes on him and being able to give voice to the words that had only been shared with his notebook thus far. It was as if he was setting them free and letting it go. It was like magick.

He stopped whistling as soon as the door shut behind him. Buffy. She was there. He could feel her. Strange, that. Well, maybe not so much. His heart swelled and his feet carried him to her bedroom. The one she'd pretty much vacated. She sat on her bed, staring out the window.

"Hi," she said without turning around.

"Hi," he said slowly.

"You were whistling."

"I was."

"I didn't even know you could whistle."

"It's easy. You just put your lips together and blow," he grinned.

She chuckled.

He sat down next to her. "What are you doing here?"

"I live here."

"Could have fooled me."

"Yeah, know. I guess I was trying for some lighthearted glib. . ness."

He smiled and dared himself to reach out and push some hair away from her face.
When he did, she turned finally to look at him.

"Hi," he said again.

She smiled, "We just did that."

"Yeah, but now I can see your face. How are you?"

"How are you?"

"I asked you first."

"I asked you second," she said lightly.

He took a deep breath, "Not going to tell me then, that it?"

"I'm curious about you. You were the one whistling. Whistling means good things
doesn't it?"

"Or just that I have a song stuck in my head."

"So? Which is it?"

"I thought you gave up rights to wondering about me."

She shot him a look that was part hurt and part glare. "You know that's not true."

And the thing was, he did know that wasn't true. He shook his head. "Sorry. Just
sometimes I get bitter when it comes to you."

"I know. And believe it or not, I understand."

"I went to a bookstore last night. They were having a poetry reading and I read some of
my work," he told her. He relayed to her how he'd gotten a new notebook and had been
writing like crazy. He told her how he felt the need to share and how it felt to share—the
exhilaration and feeling of accomplishment that he'd done it.

"That's excellent Will, I'm—"

"Spike. I – I just want to go by Spike now."

"We're back to that?"

He nodded, "I feel different. I'm not completely . . . how did you put it? Done baking?"

She smiled wryly and stared back out the window.

"But," he continued, "I don't feel the same either. I kind of feel in the middle. Like I'm
in the midst of something and I just don't feel like William anymore. I want to be Spike."

She nodded. "Spike it is then."

"Thank you."

She grabbed his hand and squeezed it. "You're welcome."

They sat there in silence, staring out the window together and just being. Finally, Spike
broke the spell.

"Can I tell you that I miss you?" he asked softly.

She nodded, "I miss you too."

"Is that why you came by when you thought you might actually catch me?"

She nodded. "That and something else."

Spike let go of her hand and stood. "I don't know if I want to know," he groaned.

"Spike, I'm thinking its pointless for me to keep paying rent when for all intents and
purposes, I don't really live here."

He stared at her. "You're going to move out?"

"Well, I haven't really even BEEN here."

"Good point." He stopped, and rubbed the back of his head, causing his curls to go
awry. "I don't know if I want you to leave though Buffy. I mean . . . yeah, you haven't been
here, but it's your home. I like the idea that you'll come back."

"Spike—"

"Because you will come back," he stated firmly.

She met his eyes. "I haven't really left Will—Spike."

He looked at his feet. "I haven't seen you in two weeks," he pointed out softly.

"I didn't want to hurt you anymore. I thought if I stayed away it'd hurt less. For both of
us."

"For both of us ay? So you're sporting a broken heart too?"

"Of the worst kind," she admitted.

"Second only to me."

"And probably victims of violent crimes."

He started to laugh at that and sat down beside her once again. "I don't want you to leave, but I understand if you do. You need it too, right Buffy? The change?"

She nodded. "Yeah, I do. I never realized how much until. . . Yeah, I could benefit from
it too. I kind of feel loopy right now. So much has happened over the past month and a half and
I feel as if I've been on auto pilot . . . especially lately. I don't know that I've given myself time
to really process everything. I think that's bad. It has given me a chance to really take a look at
myself and the things going on inside my head."

"You've never really been the one to think things through. That was always my forte."

"Well then. We've learned something already, haven't we?"

"We have, but I don't like not seeing you for this long."

"I don't like it either," she admitted.

"Where are you going to go Buffy?"

"Well, a rather large studio opened up in Willow's building. It's a hundred more than
this, but I can do it. The landlady is really nice and waived last months rent and is allowing me
to give her a little at a time for security. Will you be able to handle this place alone? If not, I'll
pay until—"

"I'll find a way Buffy. Xander has been complaining more and more every day about
cellar living at his parents. I can ask him to move in with me."

She nodded, "I'm glad I came over today."

"So am I, Buffy, so am I."

Chapter 30

It’d been a month since she moved out, a week shy of them breaking up. If breaking up is what one could call it. They’d never called each other boyfriend and girlfriend, they’d had sexual relations without actually doing the deed, and yet Spike still felt the rawness of their split as if it’d just happened the day before.

“Why don’t you go see her then? You want to, and I’m sure
she wants to see you as well,” Wesley Wyndham Pryce, the
British poetry MC, told Spike after the reading that night.

“Yeah, Spike, really. What have you got to lose?
When was the last time you saw each other?” Fred Burkle,
Wesley’s girlfriend, said gently placing a hand on his arm and
giving it a supportive squeeze. Her brown eyes were filled
with empathic understanding.

Spike sighed. “It’s been a few weeks. After she
moved out, we met up for coffee once and I haven’t seen her
since then,” he sighed heavily. “I miss her,” he said softly,
resting his chin on his arms stacked in front of him on the
table.

Fred patted his head, “Go see her. I’m sure she’ll
want to know all that you’ve been up to.”

Spike smirked, “Will she consider me done
baking?”
“Not with that attitude,” Wesley interjected,
frowning, his blue eyes disapproving. “Do you think it’s
possible that at this point you can both bake together instead
of apart however?”

Spike sat up straighter. “I don’t know. I guess I’ll
have to go see the girl.”



Buffy stared at the TV, picking at her ice cream
that was rapidly melting. She sighed and changed the
channel once again. Yep, still crap on the tube. The knock on
her door caused her to jump. She looked down at the carton
of ice cream, at the TV and then at herself. She looked like a
slob, but what did it matter? Tossing the ice cream on the end
table, she pushed the hairs falling out of her ponytail away
from her face and padded to the door. It was probably Willow
anyway. Not like it was going to be—

“Spike,” she breathed opening the door. She hid
behind the door a bit.

He smiled, “Hi kitten.” He cocked his head to the
side, “What are you doing behind the door?”

She blushed, “I’m a mess.”

He quirked an eyebrow. “I lived with you Buffy. I
know how you look first thing in the morning, first thing after
a shower and all of that in between stuff.”

“Yeah, but it’s different now. . .” she shrugged.

“How?”

“I don’t know, it just is. I haven’t seen you in a
while!”

He grinned, “Yeah, I’m here to remedy that. Can I
come in or what?”

She nodded and opened the door wider, letting
him in.

“Watching some crap TV?” he mused as she
shut the door.

“Yeah, you look nice. What were you doing?”
She braced herself for him to tell her he had been on a date.
She could not hold that against him, she could not get upset…
well, she would get upset, but she wouldn’t let it show. She’d
set him free, she had no claim on him anymore.

“Poetry reading tonight.”

She nodded, relief flooding her. “Oh yes, I
remember you telling me about that.”

“Think you might like to come sometime?”

She looked up at him, “You’d want me to come?”

He nodded, “Yeah, why wouldn’t I?”

She gestured between them, “Well because
we . . . we . . . “

“Aren’t together anymore?” he supplied.

She nodded.

“Well, the way I see it Buffy—you’re still part of
my life. I still want to share things with you. Plus, I want you
to meet my friends.”

She broke into a smile, “New ones?”

He nodded. “Yep. Wesley and Fred. Fred’s a girl
and Wesley’s girlfriend. Both poets and extremely nice.
Wesley and I hit it off straight away since he’s from the
mother land too.”

“Excellent, and how’s Xander and the
apartment?”

Spike rolled his eyes, “He’s spreading his wings
all right. . . different girl every night, raging parties on the
weekends. . .”

She held her breath again. “Oh?”

“Yeah, he’s been enjoying his freedom.” Spike
stuffed his hands in his pockets. “It’s all right, I suppose. I just
end up being the one to take care of the drunks. Which is
different since I was the one that needed taking care of for a
bit there. Drunk people are annoying.”

Buffy giggled. “Do you want something to drink?”

“Got any hot chocolate? With mini
marshmallows?”

Buffy grinned, “Of course.”

“So what else is new?” Buffy asked as they
settled down at her kitchen table over the hot cocoa.

“Well, turns out that Wesley is a professor at
URI and teaches creative writing and poetry. He’s taken a
shine to my work and has asked me if I’d visit a few of his
classes and kind of lend my experience to his students.”

“Spike, that’s awesome. You must be so
excited,” Buffy gushed.

“I am. Little nervous, but excited. I’m thinking I
might take what I’ve written and try to find a publisher for
them.”

“That sounds like a great idea. I’d love to read
your stuff.”

Spike chuckled, “Most of it was inspired by you,
you know.”

“Maybe I shouldn’t read it then?”

“I’ll pick and choose,” Spike grinned. “What have
you been up to?”

“Well. . . “ Where to begin?

“Come on Buffy, tell me,” Spike urged.

“I’ve been seeing a therapist.”

Spike’s jaw dropped. “What?”

She nodded, “It’s not a bad thing. It’s a good
thing. I felt a little out of control and like I was every which
way and dealing with a lot of change and . . . I just needed
someone to talk to that didn’t know. . . stuff.”

“Stuff like me?” Spike asked quietly.

She reached across the table and placed a
hand on his arm. “No, Spike, you weren’t the reason. I was
going down a path and didn’t know which end was up and
everyone was trying to tell me which way to go and it got
confusing and I lost sight of myself. All those things I told you
to go and do were the very things I was neglecting to do. It’s
been good for me. I’ve decided to do criminal psychology
now.”

His jaw dropped again. “Wow. Therapy
impressed you that much?”

She chuckled lightly, “Yep. It was something I
was always interested in but was convinced by my mother
wouldn’t take me anywhere. Part of therapy has been
learning to listen to myself and follow my own path and being
okay with it.”

“Like you wanted me to do,” Spike said softly,
looking down.

“I’m sorry,” she told him, taking her hand off his
arm.

His head snapped up.

“I was telling you to follow your own path and I
never gave you much choice in the matter when I thrust you
out. I was doing to you the very thing that’d been done to me
my whole life. It wasn’t fair. I had the best of intentions, I
really did. I didn’t want to be like my mother and coddle you—“

“I coddled you too, I know that. I never made
you own up to your mistakes.”

“And I kept you from making any because I
never wanted you to get hurt. I mothered you and for that I’m
sorry.”

Spike reached across the table and took her
hand in his, squeezing gently. “Buffy, do you think that we
could have more talks like this? Do you think we could see
each other more than we have lately? I just feel that. . . I feel
that I still need you and I don’t care if I’m not done baking yet
or if you’re still baking too. . . I just know that part of my
baking process includes needing to see you. Do you think
that’s something we could do?”

Buffy gave him a watery smile. “You know
what I’m really sorry about?”

“What?”

“For ever coming up with that damn baking
analogy.”

Spike burst out laughing and Buffy followed
suit.

“So is that a yes? Can I see you again?” he
pressed.

Buffy nodded, “How about at the next poetry
reading?”

Spike grinned, “Sounds perfect, luv.”







Chapter 31





Buffy was running horrendously late and it seemed to her
that no matter how hard she tried, she just couldn’t get out of
her own way. She definitely felt that Murphy’s Law was in
full effect for her today. On a normal day, she would just
toss up her hands and say ‘fuck it! I’m going home.’ But,
tonight was Spike’s poetry reading – it’d been a week since
their talk—and she didn’t want him to think she was blowing
him off or had forgotten.

And it wasn’t as if it just seemed to happen as the hours
drew closer, as one would suspect with her being so nervous about going. No, it had been an all day event, starting with getting mascara on her shirt for work and having nothing else clean to wear. Then not being able to find her shoes and her keys, to getting stuck in traffic, being late for work, dropping things and losing things continuously while at work. Her therapist had called to ask her if she’d mind coming in an hour later due to an emergency to which
Buffy had agreed, figuring she would still have forty five
minutes in which to change before meeting up with Spike.

Yeah, right.

The emergency went a half hour into Buffy’s one hour
session and she had teetered on canceling her appointment.
However, she’d have to fork over the money anyway and
she’d come to actually look forward to her sessions. Why
stop progress? So she stayed and figured with the slim half
hour she had after, she’d just make it straight to the café to
catch Spike. Except a major accident had halted her arrival
and there were no other routes to take—that she knew of
anyway. It dawned on her that she could call Spike and tell
him what happened, but when she fished around in her
purse, then glove box and under her seat, she had to face up
to the fact that she’d left her cell at home. Sitting in her car,
waiting for the go ahead, Buffy burst into tears.

When she’d finally arrived at the café, she was a mess. Her
hair stringy, her clothes wrinkly and her makeup now cried
off. She managed to tie her hair back, discard her suit jacket
and wore her blue skirt and cream colored blouse into the
café. Still decidedly too dressed up, yes, but she didn’t have
time to stress so much over technicalities at that point.

She burst through the door and heads swiveled to her, but
she ignored them. She only had eyes for Spike who was
standing at the mic, looking out of this world gorgeous. His
hair was springing curls and he wore the tightest black t shirt
and tightest pair of black jeans known to man. He was hot.
With two t’s. She gulped, thinking that every girl in the room
must want him. How could they not? She wasn’t sure how to
let him know she was there, so she just stood rooted where
she was and figured she’d come over after. He was turning
pages what appeared to be his notebook.

“This one. . . I wrote on the night of a full moon. I was feeling
particularly. . . angry and cyncial,” he chuckled, but it wasn’t
a light chuckle; it was dark. She shivered at the sound. “And
since I’m kind of pissed right now,” he continued, “It fits.” He
took a deep breath and began:



”It’s a Full Moon.

I can feel it in my Mood.

Nothing satisfies and Everything Provokes.


The Lion is at hand and it’s making the beast within me restless.
I want to rule the forest

And I will.


The key is not in hating them,
But being okay with them hating you back.
When you say you don’t care what they think,
You have to really mean it
Or everyone thinks you’re just Hiding Something.
Always let them see you sweat
So they know how much work you did
And how much they didn’t.

You never know what you can do until
You’re forced to find out.
It’s amazing how far your survival skills
Will take you.
It’s incredible the amount of knowledge you can gain
By doing absolutely nothing for yourself.
It’s fantastic how amazing you can Be doing
Everything for yourself.

Sure, everyone deserves love—
but how come the Bad love so Good and the Good love so Bad?
Experience doesn’t mean you know Everything
It just means you Messed Up Everything.

True closure comes not with sticking it to the ignorant fool
But in being able to Forgive
And Never Forget.
Been There
Done That
Made the T-shirt.

Time makes you apathetic to all wounds.

When all else fails
Remember: Indifference is Power.
It makes her scramble around
Like a headless chicken wondering
How she can make you care again.All you have to do to help her Die
Is sit back and laugh. “

Buffy gulped. Again. She imagined the ‘her’ was, well, her and that it was probably a bad sign. She felt her tears start to surge forth again and she forced them down and focused on breathing instead. So many things were going through her mind at his words –and how amazing was he by the way?—and she felt the room grow smaller at the idea that he thought she wouldn’t show, that he thought –and he had every right to think—

“Buffy?”

Her watery eyes focused on a pair of brown ones. She
blinked and took in the tiny woman with the long brown hair
and kind eyes before her. “Yes?”

“Oh, I wasn’t sure if you were. . . her. Spike had described
you to us and I feel as if I know you – not that he’s said bad—
when did you get here?”

Breathe, Buffy, breathe. “Just now,” she said in small
voice. “I tried to get here sooner, but I just couldn’t seem to do
it.”

Fred nodded sympathetically. “Were you nervous to come?”

Buffy shook her head.

“Nervous about what? To hear me read some sodding
poetry?” Spike. He stood before her, eyes flashing with
anger, his jaw clenching.

That did it. Buffy burst into tears. She shook her head, “No, I
wasn’t nervous about coming. Well, I mean yeah, I was, but
that’s not why I was so late. I was late because I had the day
from hell and nothing was going right and I tried so hard to
get here, but I got out of my session late with just enough
time to make it straight here and then there was an accident
and I don’t have my phone on me and I just made it in time to
hear your last poem and I know I’m the her that you want to
die and I’m so sorry that I was late and I really did try
everything I could to—“

She was cut off her extreme ramble with no breath by Spike
taking her in his arms and stroking her tangled ponytail.

“Ssshhhh kitten. It’s okay now,” he said calmly.

“Yrragrtwrtr,” she mumbled against his chest.

“What was that?” he asked, his tone light, almost laughing.

She looked up at him, “You’re a great writer.”

He smiled and pushed some hair away from her face, “Thank
you.”

She nodded and peered over at the girl watching the
exchange with a smile on her face.

“Hi,” she said, detangling herself from Spike’s arms, trying not
to let his friends think she was a complete loon. “You must
be--?”

“Fred,” the woman said kindly. “I’m so glad to finally meet you.”

“Really?” Buffy asked dumbfounded.

Fred and Spike chuckled at that and Buffy gave an awkward
smile.

“What’s all the commotion over here?” a man of medium build
with a british asked queried and wrapped an arm around
Fred’s waist. He looked directly at Buffy and smiled. “You
must be Buffy. I’m Wesley,” he stuck out his hand and Buffy
shook it before rolling her eyes up to Spike. “Just what have
you been telling them?” she asked.

Spike grinned and took her hand, giving it a squeeze. “It’s all
right kitten. Why don’t we get out of here huh? I think you
could use a drink—and not of the coffee nature. What do you
think?”

Buffy nodded dumbly and allowed him to lead her to his car,
Fred and Wesley not far behind.

“Spike, wait, what about my –“

”Buffy, it’s okay. I’ll drive you back later to get your car,
okay?”

She nodded and climbed in, feeling suddenly relaxed. She
sighed heavily, feeling as if she were expelling the stress of
the day with that sigh.

Wesley and Fred pulled up behind them and Spike took off.

“Have you eaten, pet?”

“No. I didn’t have time.”

“We’ll get you something, yeah?”

“Spike, I’m sorry I wasn’t there from the start.”

Reaching over, Spike patted her knee. “It’s okay, baby. Why
don’t you tell me about your day?”

“It sucked total ass,” she told him bluntly.

Spike laughed out loud, “Tell me all about it, kitten.”





She really liked Fred and Wesley. A lot. They
were kind and sweet and funny. More importantly, they
seemed to love Spike. She decided not to dwell on what he
told them about her. That would just play games with her head. Instead, she listened them talk and interjected when she felt she had something to share. Spike was sure to include her and took her hand in his when she was done dinner, squeezing it every now and then.

She felt much better after a drink and some
food. The day just washed away and she sat back, laughing
softly at the jokes being passed around the table. She looked
over at Spike and found him watching her. She smiled at him
and he grinned.



“Want to get out of here? Talk?” he asked softly
as Fred and Wesley discussed their half of the bill.

“Sure,” she nodded. “I need my car.”

“I know. Want to go back to your place for a bit?”

“How about the beach? I could use the sound of
the water to fully wash this day away.”

He grinned. “Sounds good, pet. Let’s go.”
Standing up, they said their good bye’s and nice-to-meet-
you’s and they were gone.

Once outside, Spike stopped, still holding onto
Buffy’s hand.

“What?” she asked; looking up at him curiously.

Leaning in, Spike brushed his lips across hers
ever so gently. She hadn’t expected that and she jumped a
bit.

He grinned and caressed the side of her
face. “I’m glad you came,” he whispered and they took off for
his car once again, Buffy following and touching her lips with
the pads of her fingers, feeling the remnant of his kiss.



Chapter 32



As soon as Buffy heard the waves, she was
off like a shot running toward it. The water always had that
affect on her. She wasn’t happy unless she was IN it. Forget
lounging around on sand soaking up the rays. No, she
wanted to be in the water or a trip to the beach was just
useless. Thankfully, Spike shared in the same passion and he
laughed as she kicked off her shoes, hiked up her skirt and
ran. She heard him following behind her and no sooner had
her feet touched the water then Spike has his arms around
her, lifting her off the sand and nuzzling her neck.

She squealed and laughed as he spun her
around to face him, setting her down once more as the
waves crashed around their feet.

“Feel better?” he asked huskily as he pushed
tucked some hair behind her ear.

She nodded enthusiastically. “You know the
ocean always makes me feel better.”

He smiled, “I know. I remember.”

“So tell me,” she said, stepping back and
appraising him, “Is the black on black a look you’re going for?
Tortured artist? Disgruntled poet?”

He grinned and shrugged. “It’s a look. Never put
that much thought in it. Plus, easier to do a load of laundry.”

“Spike,” she took a deep breath, unsure how to
begin.

“Yeah?” he prompted.

She bit her bottom lip. “The poem you read. . . “

“I was angry when I wrote it kitten,” he
explained.

“Really? Because I got warm fuzzy feelings
from that one,” she said sarcastically.

He chuckled. “Come on,” he said, grabbing her
hand. “Let’s sit and have a chat, yeah?”

She nodded and allowed him to lead her back to
the sand. He sat down and pulled her down so that she sat
in front of him between his legs. He wrapped his arms
around her. “Cold?”

“A little,” she shivered. Although, she didn’t think
it had anything to do with the slight chill in the air. No, it had to
do with a certain blond God sitting behind her.

“I wanted to not care,” he told her softly. “I
thought if I didn’t care and you still did then I could hurt you.
Make you feel what I felt.”

She turned slightly, meeting his eyes
imploringly. “Did you think I didn’t care about you?”

“Sometimes. I know you do though Buffy—“

“I always did Spike. I never stopped caring
about you.” She turned back around, watching the waves
crash against the shore.

“I know. . . “ he whispered, “I get it, I get it all,”
and his lips found her neck.

She shivered again. “Do you really?”

“I do,” he said and trailed kisses up her neck.

“You don’t hate me? You’re not angry with me
anymore?”

“Does this feel like I’m angry?” he murmured
nibbling on her ear.

She swiftly spun around so that she was
facing him, perched before him on her knees. He stared at
her dumbfounded.

“How can you not be angry with me?” she
demanded. “You told me you hated me.”

“I never hated you Buffy. I was angry with you,
yes, but I never hated you. I couldn’t. It’s not something I’m
capable of. I’m probably love’s bitch, but then I always
guessed I was.”

“Love’s bitch huh? But not my bitch?”

“Do you want me to be?”

“No,” she shook her head.

He grinned, “Do you want to be MY bitch?”

She shook her head, “No. I want you to be Spike
and me to be Buffy.”

He reached for her, but she eluded his grasp
and stood before him.

“What is it Buffy?” he asked, standing up and
facing her.

“What I did to you—to us—I spent a lot of time
justifying it to me, to you, and to everyone else on God green
earth, and I felt –and still sometimes feel—that what I did was
right. For both of us.”

“And it took me a long time to see that what you
did was probably the best thing—“

“Do you really mean that?”

“I’ve never lied to you Buffy and I’m not about to
start now.”

She shook her head, “I know I just . . . I’m still
angry with myself for hurting you. Sometimes when I close
my eyes all I see is you shouting at me, telling me you hate me
and crying. It makes me lose sight of how I wanted to help
you and not hinder you. And I see you now, how you’ve
grown in such a short time. How you’re still growing. I
learned a valuable lesson,” she told him, wiping the tears that
were falling away.

“What’s that?” Spike asked softly, not moving.

“That you’re never done changing –or, going
along with my horrendous metaphor – baking. The edges
might not be done. The middle could be a little soft still, but it’s
the fact of knowing that you’ve set down your own path and
knowing that you have control over those things. And then
sometimes, if you’re lucky enough, you find someone to join
you on your journey, and hopefully they’ll support you and
encourage you, not drag you down and stop you for their
own selfish reasons.”

“And you were afraid you’d be selfish?”

She nodded.

“I get that.”

“You do?”

“Why do you still sound so surprised?”

“I’m still growing and learning. I’m still trying to
own up to my own mistakes and learn that it’s okay to
stumble and fall and that the reason why we fall is learn how
to get back up. I’m still trying to pick myself up from having
hurt the one person in this world that means more to me than
anything.” The tears were streaming down her face now.

Spike grabbed her in his arms and held on
tight. “I think in this instance it’s okay for me to help you up,
don’t you? Because you are my someone on my journey and
I’m your someone aren’t I Buffy?”

She nodded against his chest, clutching his shirt
in her tiny fists as she cried. They stayed like that for a long
time, the sound of the ocean in the distance, the still night air
surrounding them. Only when the last of her salt had been
shed did Buffy finally feel at peace.

Spike put his hand under her chin and made her look at
him. “Where do we go from here, Buffy?”



Chapter 33



Buffy met Spike’s eyes unwaveringly. “Where
do you want to go from here?” she asked him.

He leaned in and kissed her deeply. “I want us
to be together, Buffy,” he told her when they parted. “I don’t
want to be apart any longer.”

“Spike, have you--?” she averted her
eyes, “that is, have you uh been with—not that I have any
right to be jealous or –“

He kissed her again, languidly. When they broke
apart, both were breathless. “No,” he told her.

“How--?” she swallowed.

He chuckled. “You’re asking me how I couldn’t
have?”

She nodded.

“Told you I was love’s bitch. Despite what I
might not have known about myself and what I’m capable of –
there’s one thing that’s always been constant and always
will be: You. I love you Buffy, that’s never changed. Do you
love me too?”

She nodded, “I do. I always have I just didn’t
know or accept it and I never thought . . . Spike, are you sure
you want to?”

He smiled gently and cupped her face in his
hands. “I love you, Buffy. I want to be with you.”

“But I hurt you.”

“Haven’t we been over this?”

She nodded, averting her eyes. “We have.”


“Do you plan on leaving me again?”

“No,” she shook her head, dislodging his hands
from her face. “No, I don’t have it in me to leave you. And I
never really left you Spike. I was still there, I was . . . waiting.
And how can you be sure you want to be with me if you’re
afraid I’ll leave you again?”

“I just don’t have it in me to be with anyone else
when my heart is yours. I can’t explain it Buffy. I just…” he
shook his head, “I just know I love you and that . . . this is it
Buffy. This is it for me. Don’t ask me how I know that and
please, if you don’t think this is it for you then you leave me
now because I couldn’t go through losing you again. It’d kill
me.”

This time it was she that cupped his face in her
hands. “You’re it for me Spike. You always were, I—I never –
I knew someday we’d be together again.”

“But we needed some time apart to confirm it,
yeah?”

She nodded. “I always knew you were it for me
Spike. I just wanted to make sure you knew I was it for you
too. I’m sorry that I put you through all that—“

He shook his head and kissed her, silencing
her. “It was good for us. Made us stronger, don’t you think?
As much as it killed me and as much as I don’t ever want to
go through that again, it felt like it had to be done somehow.
Now that I know how you feel Buffy. . . That I’m the one. . .
You’re never getting rid of me, do you understand me? You
won’t ever be able to leave me and I won’t leave you.”

“I understand if you can’t trust this right away
Spike. I can’t blame you if you don’t,” she told him
honestly. “Just . . . I always did love you. Everything I did – it
was for you, it was because I loved you.”

“Just say it, kitten. Tell me you love me, please.”

“I love you Spike.”

With those words spoken, he pulled her to him
and kissed her soundly. “You’re with me then?” He asked,
when they came up for air.

She nodded, “I’m with you.”

Kissing her hungrily, Spike maneuvered them to
the sand on their knees. He weaved his hand under her
blouse and cupped her breast in his hand. She moaned into
his mouth and pressed into his touch, tangling her fingers in
his hair.

“Buffy, baby,” he breathed, “I want to make love
to you.”

She nodded, nearly panting. “Not here, let’s go
to –“

Spike’s cell ringing cut her off. “Ignore it,” he
growled and attacked her lips.

“You better answer it,” Buffy breathed, parting
from him slightly, “You said Xander was at a party tonight,
remember?”

Spike growled again and grabbed his phone out
of his pocket with one hand while keeping Buffy in place with
his other arm wrapped around her. He rolled his yes. Must be
Xander, Buffy thought.

“Yeah? Yes, I am with Buffy. . . Yes, this is a
bad time.”

Buffy giggled.

“All right Harris, I’m coming to get you. . . I’m not
going to have this discussion with you right now but we will
talk tomorrow about this. Good bye.”

“He needs to be picked up?” Buffy guessed.

“Yes, of all the sodding times—“ he broke off to
kiss her again. “I can come back? I can drop you off at your
car and get Xander, drop him off and go to your place, yeah?”

“Honey, I want to make love to you, I do, but—“

He closed his eyes. “No buts please. Buffy, I’ve
waited so long to have you in my arms again.”

She smiled, “I know, but I want our first time
together to be something special. I don’t want it to be rushed.
I want to take my time and . . . not have to go to work in the
morning.”

“You know you’re killing me, right?”

She giggled, “I know. It’s killing me too. Just think
how nice it’d be to have the whole night and then the whole
day . . . “

“Friday night seems too far away.”

“That’s because it is. It’s three days. Why don’t
we go out tomorrow night?”

Spike looked at her, smiling. “Like a date?”

She nodded. “I’d very much like to date you,
Spike.”

He swooped in and kissed her
soundly. “Tomorrow night then. We’ll go out for dinner and
some dancing. Sound good?”

“Perfect. Wonderful. I’ll be with you, that’s all I
need.”

“Tell me again, Buffy. Say it.”

She met his eyes, “I love you Spike.”



Chapter 34



She couldn’t sleep. In fact she was wired. Why
the hell did she tell Spike they’d wait? She wanted him NOW.
She took a shower, got in comfy pajamas and ended up
staring blankly at the TV while her leg bounced up and down.
This was—someone knocked on her door. She rolled her
eyes. She didn’t want to talk to Willow at this moment in time.
On the other hand, it’d give her something to do while she
wasn’t doing someone.

“Hey Will—“ she stopped.

“I told you I go by Spike now,” he told her
grinning.

She launched herself into his arms and he
caught her, easily hoisting her up so that her legs wrapped
around his waist. He chuckled as she dotted his face with
kisses.

“I’m so glad you’re here!” she exclaimed.

“I see that. I know I said I’d wait and I thought I
could and we don’t have to do anything Buffy, but I just need
to –“

She covered his lips with hers and kissed him
hungrily. When they both needed air, she parted. “What?”

“Hold you. I was going to tell you that I needed
to hold you tonight—but fucking hell Buffy . . . you got my
motor revvin’ here,” he told her breathlessly and smooshed
her against the wall as he devoured her mouth with his.

She couldn’t get close enough. Bodies touching,
grinding against each other and it still wasn’t enough. She
pushed wormed her hands between them and pushed at his
jacket, wanting it off, off off. She wanted it all OFF.

“Kitten,” he slid her to the floor and caught her
hands. “You don’t have to.”

She blinked. “You do remember that you’re a
guy right?”

“Oi, pet. Little below the belt there.”

“That’s just it Spike. I want to BE below the belt. I
want below the belt IN me. Any of this sound good to you?”

He growled and snatched her against him,
hoisting her up yet again. “Perfect.”

“Wait!”

He paused. “What?”

“It’s your first time. Do you want to wait? I’m a
little nutty right now with wanting you and I know you
probably want your first time to be special—“

He pressed an ardent kiss to her mouth; tugging
her hair out of the pony she had it in. “Buffy, it will be special
because it’s with you.”

She leaned in and this time kissed him slowly,
taking her time reacquainting herself with his taste. This time,
she pushed his jacket off slowly and started dipped her
hands down, tugging on his shirt. She lifted it slowly,
caressing each patch of skin exposed and when she finally
tugged it over his head and discarded it, she placed kisses
along his collar bone and flicked each nipple with his tongue.
He inhaled sharply.

Meeting his eyes, she walked him to her bed
and pushed him down. He sat with a plop and watched as
she pulled her tank over her head.

“Christ Buffy, you’re so bleedin’ gorgeous,” he
whispered reverently, pulling her close to him. He suckled on
one hardened nipple and cupped the other in his hand,
brushing over it with the pad of his thumb. She moaned and

dug her fingers in his hair, holding him to her.

“You taste so good, kitten,” he whispered. “I
want you so much, baby.”

“I want you too,” she replied softly. “Kick off
your shoes and socks.”

He obliged and when they were discarded, she
nudged him to lie down. He did so, but kept his head up,
watching her. Nearly yanking his jeans off, she grinned
when she saw he’d gone commando. His erection bounced
free of the confines of his jeans, weeping pre cum. She
licked it, eliciting a moan. Grinning, she took him in her mouth,
bobbing her head up and down, swirling her tongue around
the head and then engulfed him once again.

“Buffy. . . Fuck that feels so good. Buffy, I want
you up here, Buffy, please…”

She continued on and when she hummed
around him, he exploded.

“Buffy!”

She swallowed it all down, taking him in her
body, loving it because it was him and he was all she needed
and wanted. She was starting to lick him clean when he
hauled her up to him. He kissed her ravenously.

“Can you taste yourself on me?” she asked
huskily.

“You’re going to bleedin’ kill me,” he
gasped. “Get up here.”

“What?”

“Give me that delectable pussy, now.”

“Spike, do you mean—“

He nodded, his eyes dark and glittering. “Right.
Over. My. Mouth.”

How was it possible that she was the
experienced one here and he made HER blush?

“Want to taste you again…love your taste. . .like
sugar and honey. So sweet, so mine… “he murmured,
nuzzling her neck.

She shivered and gave herself a mental shake.
What the hell, she thought. Moving, she poised herself over
his mouth and held onto the bed post. The second his breath
came across her pussy, her eyes rolled. And when his
tongue licked her, she trembled. She was beginning to
wonder if he’d been lying to her when he’d said he hadn’t
been with another woman. The things he could do with his
tongue. . . it was positively sinful. He was beating out some
kind of morse code on her clit and any second now she was
going to—

“Spike!”

She came hard in his mouth and he ate her as if
it were his last meal. “Mmmmm… my Buffy,” he moaned, and
off like a rocket she went again. When her legs turned to Jell-
O, she slid to the side and off him. He was right there to
gather her to him. Rolling so that he was on top, he fitted
himself between her legs, his already hardened erection
poking at her folds.

“Can you taste yourself?” he asked and kissed
her gently.

“Spike, that was –oh my god, where did you
learn that?”

He smirked. “I spent a LOT of time in that
bookstore.”

She giggled and reached between them,
grabbing his erection and stroking it.

He buried his head in her neck. “God, you’re
going to kill me. Do you have any idea how long I’ve waited
for this?”

“Tell me,” she urged.

“Seems like its been ever since you took me out
of that locker. No, before that. Before, just seein’ you all
around school . . . You’re a Goddess, you know that?”

“I love you,” she whispered, kissing him
fervently. “I love you so much.”

“There just aren’t words for how much I love
you, Buffy.”

She guided him inside her slowly, letting him get
used to being inside a woman and letting her get used to his
size. After a few strokes, he was completely inside and she
was already ready to go off like a rocket again. When he
was embedded in her, so deep inside, he paused, just
nuzzling her neck.

“You feel so good, I’m afraid to move,” he told
her honestly. “I’ve never. . . God, Buffy . . .”

“Slow baby, just go slow.”

He started to pull out and then in, starting a slow
rhythm that almost did her in. She wrapped her legs around
him and tilted her hips just a bit—oh yeah, right there, she
thought. And then he angled his hips and her eyes widened.
Leave it to Spike to find her G-spot on the first try. Her eyes
rolled. “I need …” she breathed.

“What? Tell me, kitten. What do you need?”

“Faster. Harder,” she grunted.

He obliged. They moved like a well oiled
machine, grinding, thrusting, moving and tap, tap, tapping
against her special spot. It hit her like a freight train and she
bit down on his shoulder screaming into it as she came. Her
walls tightening and massing his cock milked him as he
roared his release, spilling himself inside her.

He collapsed on top of her, and she wound
herself around him, not wanting to let him go.

He lifted his head and kissed her slowly, deeply.

She looked up at him lovingly, swiping the
perspiration from his forehead off. “Did I happen to mention
how glad I am you came over tonight?”



Chapter 35



Spike woke slowly, having an erotic dream of
Buffy. Buffy between his legs, sucking on him, making him
feel so good . . .

“Mmmm…. Awake yet?”

His eyes flew open and he groaned in pleasure
when he saw that his dream was a reality. Watching his
hard member disappear inside her luscious pink mouth was
as erotic as it came.

She grinned when she released him with a
plop. “I got bored waiting for you to wake up,” she told him
and crawled up his body. “I hope you don’t mind.” She
straddled him, impaling herself on him.

His eyes rolled, “Bleeding hell,” he
moaned. “That feels good.”

She smiled and leaned forward. “Morning
gorgeous.”

He grinned and thrust up into her
wetness. “Morning, princess. Give us a kiss now eh?”

She obliged.



When they were spent, for the time being
anyway, Buffy rolled to her side and Spike cuddled her close
to him. “I don’t want to go to work today,” he whispered.

“Then don’t. I, for one, plan to stay here. You
wore me out.”

He grinned. “In a good way right?”

She smiled, “Definitely. But if you stay. . . you
can remind me of how good it is a few more times.”

“Good? I don’t think I like that adjective anymore.
I want. . . amazing. Brilliant.”

“Then you better call. I already did for myself.”

“Pretty sure of your powers of persuasion
huh?”

“I can be.”

“Hand me the phone.”



Three hours later, they’d managed to roll
themselves out of bed and go out for breakfast.

“Do you want me to kick Xander out?” Spike
asked her as they munched on fresh fruit together.

She nearly choked on the strawberry he
insisted on feeding her. “What?”

“Kick him out so you can come back.”

“Do you want to kick him out?”

“For you to come back? Of course.”

“That wouldn’t be very fair to Xander. He’s been
there a month!”

“You were there a month too,” he pointed out.

“That’s not the point.”

“What is the point?”

“I’m not sure.”

He took a deep breath. “Buffy, do you want to
move back?”

“How about we try something different this
time? I’m going to ask you what you think instead.”

He studied her, poked at some fruit and
pondered the question. He looked up at her. “I think we
should keep it the way it is for now,” he said finally.

She nodded. “You’re right. Being on my own . . .
it’s liberating. I like it.”

“Well, you’re not on your own, on your own.
You have me.”

She smiled, “I know I have you. But you know
what I mean. You feel it too, don’t you?”

He nodded. “I do. But I don’t want it forever
Buffy. I want you with me again.”

“I know, but for now this is nice isn’t it? We can
date. Do couple things instead of roommate things. We can
have those weeks where we get busy and might not see
each other for a couple days and then when we finally do it’s
that much more intense. Then I can make you dinner some
days, you can make me dinner on other days. Sleepovers at
my place,” she had a dreamy expression on her face.

“Wow that sounds really nice. Why’d we move
in together in the first place?” he teased and she playfully hit
him.

“Besides, it’s still fresh and new,” she continued on. “We’re both still fresh and new. Being on our own like this
and dating, it’s like we’re experiencing a brand new world
together even though we’re not living together. Know what I
mean?”

Spike nodded, “It’s definitely a good thing. It’ll
make when we do move together, that much more perfect.”

She nodded. “So, does your mom completely
hate me?”

“No, pet. She doesn’t hate you. How could she?
You’re like a daughter to her.”

“I know, but I’m afraid to see her.”

“Don’t be. It’ll be okay, I promise. What about
your mom, how is that going?”

Buffy rolled her eyes. “I haven’t seen her much.
When trying to build a life, the last thing you need is someone
breathing down your neck telling you all the things you’re
doing wrong with it.”

“Does it sound odd for me to thank you?”
“For?”

“For not breathing down my neck.”

Buffy smiled. “Not at all. Thank you for being
patient with me.”

“I wasn’t being patient Buffy, I was just . . . I
couldn’t be with anyone else. I lived my life. I did what I had to
do and good things did come out of it that might not have
happened otherwise. But I never felt as alive as I do when
you’re with me. I love you.”

“I love you too. So, let’s go start on those fun
dating things. How about a walk in the park holding hands?
Tell me how great I was as a roomie compared to
Xander. . . “

“Xander doesn’t put out.”

“Pig.”

“Oink, oink baby.”