FIRE AND ICE


Prologue


December


Standing on the balcony of his hotel, bottle of whiskey in hand, Spike stared out at the Los Angeles skyline, letting the lights of the city blur together in front of his vision.

He was two hours away from her.

Two hours, and he might as well have been on the other side of the planet.

It had been a hundred and forty seven days since the last time he saw her. A hundred and forty seven days, and tomorrow, he was going home for the first time in almost a year. Tomorrow his world would have felt completed for the first time, but instead, it merely represented a place he used to live.

‘Home,’ he thought. ‘Except it’s not home anymore, is it, mate? You screwed that up, good and proper.’

Spike swallowed hard as the images came back to him- the pain in her eyes, the disbelief written on her features. He felt something squeeze his heart like it was in a vice as all the images came rushing back to him in an unforgiving memory.

* * * * *

5 Months Earlier

Walking through the lobby of the Seattle hotel, Buffy took a deep breath as she approached the desk. It was well past midnight and the lobby was silent, but she was sure that anyone who happened to be straggling through could hear the thumping of her heart.

Coming to a stop in front of the desk, she managed to give the clerk who was working a friendly smile.

“The penthouse, please,” she said softly, her nervousness threatening to overwhelm her.

“What’s the password?” the clerk asked.

“Sunnyhell,” she said with a soft smile, tucking a lock of hair behind her ear before she was handed the key and instructed toward the elevator.

She didn’t want to be here.

She didn’t want to see if this was true.

She didn’t want her entire reason for existence to be questioned.

Would it really be so hard to simply turn around and go home, live in her happy little fantasy world where everything was goodness and light? Ignorance really is bliss, after all.

It might have been easier…but she couldn’t. Not anymore. Not when her heart and her gut were both working simultaneously against her, telling her to put this to rest once and for all.

Her ‘happy fantasy world’ had been shattered when she answered her front door earlier that morning to find Willow on the other side.

After having spent the entire morning on the phone with Oz, Willow had finally gone over to her best friend’s house with the news that was sure to break her heart.

”No,” Buffy said, shaking her head in disbelief. “The facts have to be all jumbled up or something…this isn’t my boyfriend, he would never…”

Trailing off in a choked voice, Buffy closed her eyes, biting her lip as she desperately wished it wasn’t true.

“Did you get the full story from Oz?” she asked, looking up at her redheaded friend and clinging to the last shred of hope she could latch on to.

“Oz didn’t know the full story,” Willow said softly. “He doesn’t know why Spike’s acting this way…he thought he was happy with the way the band had taken off and the direction they seemed to be headed, but…”

“Tell me it’s not true, Wills,” Buffy whispered with tears in her eyes, trying to keep her emotions under control. “Lie to me, if you have to.”

“I wish I could do that, Buffy,” Willow said, soothingly rubbing her friend’s back. “I wish I could make it better and make all the pain go away, but…but I just can’t.”

“It’s going to get worse before it gets better, isn’t it?” she whispered miserably.

Handing her friend the phone, Willow tried to keep her own tears at bay. “Only one way to find out.”

And after booking the first available flight from Los Angeles to Seattle, Buffy was packed and on her way with a little more prodding from Willow.

‘What was missing?’ Buffy wondered as the elevator continued to climb the floors, marking the ascent with a soft click for each floor. ‘The band was a success, he was with his friends, his life was finally starting… what was missing?’

When the elevator finally opened its doors, she felt as if her heart was going to stop.

Here she was, standing outside a simple door of a hotel room, and she had never been more terrified in her life.

Slipping the key card into the lock, Buffy took a deep breath before opening the door. And she saw the one thing she was terrified of seeing.

There was her boyfriend in the arms of some random girl, moving on top of her naked body.

Her heart shattered. Her stomach churned. Her eyes watered.

She felt as if she was being stabbed to death. Slowly.

She felt as if her life was draining out of her and there was nothing she could do to stop it.

Never understanding what it took to actually have any homicidal tendencies, Buffy felt the honest urge to kill for the first time.

“You son of a bitch,” she whispered, shaking her head slowly to try and shake away the images that felt like they would be forever frozen in her brain.

Spike froze before snapping his head to the door. It was in that moment, in that particular split second, that he knew. He knew what he wanted out of his life was exactly the one thing he could never have again. Jumping up, Spike grabbed his pants off the floor and quickly slid them on, ignoring the woman in his bed as his sole focus became the blonde in front of him.

The love of his life, who he was too stupid to cherish and love the way she was meant to be loved.

“You bastard,” she said, her voice rising slightly before she turned and ran down the hall. She hit the door leading to the stairs and pushed it open with enough force to shake the heavy cement block in the walls before beginning to run down the twenty flights.

Buffy heard Spike chasing her, calling her name, but she didn’t care. She had to get out of there- she couldn’t handle it. As fast as she was, her tears blurred her vision, giving Spike the opportunity to catch her halfway down.

“Buffy, please wait!”

“NO!” she screamed, spinning around to face him, her eyes sparking with pain and anger. “I’ve waited for you long enough, Spike. Apparently, it was you who wasn’t as concerned with that part of our relationship. God,” she whispered, catching her breath and staring up at the flights of stairs running the length of the building as she tried to rein in her emotions.

When she finally turned her gaze toward him, Spike felt tears stinging his own eyes at the pain he saw in hers.

The pain that he had caused.

He had purposely put it there, and for what? For a few minutes of gratification because some little bitch wanted to say she had screwed a rock star, once upon a time?

Reaching for her, Spike cringed when he was immediately met with a slap in the face for his efforts. Biting his lip, he briefly looked down at the floor, unsure of what to do as he slowly looked back at the woman he loved. He’d realized in the moment that he saw her standing in the doorway that he loved Buffy more than he loved himself.

Why couldn’t he have realized that when he still had her? Before his selfish needs destroyed what they had together?

“How could you?” she whispered, not bothering to hide the anguish in her voice. “How could you!?”

“I’m so sorry, baby,” he whispered in a choked voice, taking another step toward her, stopping when she immediately cowered away from him. “It wasn’t real,” he said softly, shaking his head. “It wasn’t about anything…just…it was just physical. Just lust…that was all.”

“That’s all?” she questioned in disbelief. “That’s all? You bastard. You might as well have ripped my heart out and said that’s all!”

“It wasn’t about them,” he said, shaking his head. “It was…I love you.”

“Them?” she whispered in disbelief. “I should have known. You can’t even keep your affairs monogamous!”

“It’s not like that, pet, it’s not…I just felt…I thought that if…if it wasn’t the same woman, it wouldn’t…it was nothing serious.”

“Why are you telling me this?” she whispered with tears streaming down her face.

“Because I need you to understand.”

“Understand?” she asked in a menacing whisper. “You expect me to stand here and listen to you talk about your whores? Fine. Tell me,” she demanded, crossing her arms over her chest, fighting the fresh tears that wanted to spill free. “Give me details, Spike. Tell me what they’re obviously giving you that I can’t.”

“Nothing,” he replied immediately, shaking his head in desperation. “They’re nothing to me, Buffy. They’re meaningless. You’re the one I need,” he whispered, closing the distance between them and gently cupping her face in his hands, pressing his forehead against hers as they each began to cry. “I need you.”

Realizing what he was doing, Buffy angrily shoved him away. “Yeah…you need me real bad. What if I told you the same goes for me? That I just needed the passion?” she asked, standing her ground as her voice continued to rise in anger. “What if I said it was just for a night, Spike? Just a few times…just a few different guys. It was all because I missed you, baby,” she continued sarcastically. “Do you forgive me? What do you say, Spike?” she asked, practically spitting out his name as she glared at him.

Feeling his jaw tighten as he looked at the floor, he listened to every word she was saying, knowing that he deserved every ounce of pain she could cause him and so much worse. “It’s just hard sometimes, love,” he whispered after a moment.

“You don’t think I know that?” she asked in disbelief. “God, it’s been hard on me, too, but I didn’t find myself in a stranger’s bed every night!”

“But I wasn’t… I was just alone, and they were there and…and I was weak. I haven’t seen you in seven months, and I felt as if we were growing apart.”

“And what?” she asked angrily. “What else did you want me to do, Spike? What the hell did you want from me? I gave you everything. You had it all- my heart, my body…and you were still willing to throw it all away.”

“No,” he whispered, tears filling his eyes again. “It wasn’t like that. I just missed you so much, and you weren’t here, and I-”

“Well, whose fault is that?” she asked through gritted teeth. “Who told me not to tag along on this little adventure? Is this why, Spike? Did you want to be free of me so you could live it up?”

“God, no! I meant everything I said back then. I still mean it. This has only happened a few times, and I just felt like I didn’t have you anymore.”

“And because you didn’t have me…you just go out and fuck a few random women. Well, that clears it all up, then. Thanks for the pep talk.”

“Buffy-”

“You just don’t get it,” she continued, shaking her head as she looked at him. “This is it…this is me,” she said, holding her arms out to her sides. “This is the package. And apparently, you think it’s so deficient that you have to get your kicks elsewhere, so we really have a problem.”

Closing her eyes as she tilted her head downward, Buffy could feel his eyes boring into her, waiting for her to make the next move.

“It’s over,” she whispered, barely choking out the words as the lump in her throat seemed to double in size.

“Buffy, no-”

“You’re using me,” she whispered, looking up at him with watery eyes. “You can’t love me-”

“I do!”

“You don’t,” she murmured, shaking her head. “I don’t know if you ever did.”

“I love you,” he whispered, pinning her against the railing of the stairs, desperately trying to get her to see that he meant it. “I love you…I can’t lose you.”

“You already did,” she said in a choked voice, looking up at him with tears streaming down her cheeks. “It’s over…William.”

* * * * *

“Buffy, I’m so sorry…it must be horrible.”

“I think horrible is still coming. Right now it’s worse. Right now, I’m just trying to keep from dying,” she sobbed as she dropped her head onto her friend’s lap. “I can’t breathe, Will. I feel like I can’t breathe.”

* * * * *

Assaulted by the memories of that horrible night, Buffy woke up with a gasp, remembering how she had wept for hours, wishing that Willow could make it better, crying harder when she realized that nothing would make it better. A day hadn’t passed that she hadn’t thought about it or cried herself to sleep at night. The wound was still as fresh as it had been in that moment. Two weeks before Christmas, with Spike coming back to Sunnydale for the first time the following night, and Buffy felt the familiar symptoms of an anxiety attack threaten to overwhelm her.

She had tried not to keep up with him. She didn’t want to know what he was doing now or if he still thought about her. She didn’t want to know if he had moved on and thrown himself into the typical life of the rock star- more so than he already had before they broke up. It was impossible not to keep up with him, though. Not of her own free will, most of the time, but Willow and Giles were always kind enough to let her know how much he missed her.

She didn’t want to know that he missed her.

That’s what she told herself.

Feeling the tears continue to slip down her cheeks, Buffy tried to relax as she curled her body into itself, seeking solace, even when there was none.

It was going to be another long night.

Chapter 1 – Maybe Never…


Present Day


“You’re going out tonight?”

Glancing over at the doorway, Buffy smiled at her sister.

“Just going out with the gang, Dawnie,” she said, turning back to her wardrobe, trying to figure out what to wear.

“Can I come in?” the younger girl asked softly.

“Don’t break anything,” Buffy replied, a slight warning in her voice as she held up a black skirt edged in lace.

Tossing the skirt on the bed as Dawn sat down, she continued rummaging through the back of the closet.

Picking up the skirt, Dawn trailed her hand over the smooth material. “So…um…what happens tomorrow?” she asked quietly.

“Tomorrow?” Buffy repeated, feigning innocence.

“Yeah,” she replied quietly. “Spike coming home and everything.”

“Doesn’t mean anything,” Buffy muttered, nervously tucking a lock of hair behind her ear. “I doubt I’ll even see him. He’ll probably go to Los Angeles right after Christmas.”

“Do you want to see him?” Dawn asked in a hopeful tone of voice.

“I don’t know,” she said softly, feeling the familiar tears sting her eyes. “I-I don’t think so.”

“But…you want to see Giles…right? I mean, he’s practically like our dad…if ours bothered to stick around.”

“I’ll still see Giles, Dawnie. I just don’t think I’m ready to face Spike. Not yet. Maybe never.”

* * * * *

4 Years Earlier


Walking through the corridors of Sunnydale High, Buffy tried to remain calm on her first day of school. Her first class of the day had resulted in making friends with a pretty redhead named Willow. The other girl was a shy and quiet- completely the opposite of Buffy. She had been assigned to show Buffy around the building, and the two already had made plans to go to the local club the Bronze later that night.

Searching for the library during her last period of the day, Buffy felt as if she was turning in circles, scanning the hallways for the elusive area. Willow had pointed it out to her before lunch, but Buffy was already turned around in the large school. Turning a corner, she finally saw the double doors down the hall to the right and breathed a heavy sigh of relief. Entering the library, she gave the librarian a hesitant smile when he glanced up from the books that were scattered along the counter.

“Can I help you?” the older man asked, setting a book to the side as Buffy approached.

“Uh, yeah, I think I’m supposed to be here. I’m new.”

“Miss Summers?”

“Good call. Guess I’m the only new kid, huh?” she asked with a nervous smile.

“I’m Mr. Giles…the librarian. I was told you were coming. I presume you’re here for study hall?”

“Yeah.”

“Have a seat anywhere. If you need anything, let me know.”

“Okay, thanks,” she said, looking around the empty room before grabbing a seat at the closest table.

After about ten minutes, she heard a commotion near the doors and looked up. Seeing a man walk through, both doors swinging shut behind him, Buffy felt her breath catch in her throat. He was wearing tight black jeans and a black t-shirt stretched over his muscular torso, his bleached hair spiked up, with black nail polish and sunglasses still resting on the bridge of his nose.

Buffy felt short of breath as she looked at the hottest man she had ever seen. She watched as he lowered his head to look at her over the top of the sunglasses before giving her a slow smile and a wink. Buffy blushed nervously and looked back at her book, trying to ignore the tingles that were shooting through her body when she felt his eyes still on her.

“Giles!” She heard him yell after a moment, biting her lip at the sound of the heavy British accent that came from him. Looking up in time to see Giles come rushing out of his office, Buffy risked a glance at the blonde, admiring his profile for a moment before trying to return her focus to her book.

“William!” he shushed. “Must you yell? We have a student in here,” he continued, gesturing to Buffy. William took off the glasses to look at her once again, studying her more closely now that his vision was unobstructed.

“So I see,” he said with a smirk that spread into a smile when he noticed Buffy visibly swallow and offer him a slight smile in return. Arching an eyebrow at the young woman, he turned back to face his father. “And how many times have I asked you not to use that poncey name? My name is Spike.”

“I’ll call you ‘Spike’ when you stop calling me by my name.” Giles turned to Buffy, giving her a slight smile of apology. “I’m sorry to interrupt your studying, Miss Summers, but this is my son, Will.” She smiled as the librarian took off his glasses and polished them, obviously flustered from the interruption.

“It’s Spike,” he said, walking over to her, holding out his hand. Buffy reached up to shake it, only to gasp when he pulled it to his lips and planted a gentle kiss on top. She felt a flush rise up to her cheeks at the contact, quickly ducking her head to hide her reaction.

“I’m Buffy,” she murmured, hating the nervous tremor that seemed to coat her voice.

“Pleasure to meet you, Buffy,” he replied with a charming smile before turning his attention back to Giles but not letting go of her hand. “I need the car tonight.”

“Whatever for?”

“Told Dru I’d take her to the Bronze.”

’Of course it would have something to do with that absurd woman he was dating,’ Giles thought with a sigh. He had only met her a handful of times, and each time he became more concerned with her sanity, or lack thereof. “Fine,” he muttered.

Spike smiled and turned back to Buffy, giving her hand another kiss. “It was an honor, Buffy.” She felt herself gulp as he made his way out of the library, trying not to think about the fact that he had mentioned another woman. She wanted to live in her little fantasy world for just a few more moments.




Thanks so much to: Stephanie, Sevvy_O, Juanita, Anne, Mischa, lacey, Mac & Lurker for reviewing!

Chapter 2 – Are You Okay?


Present Day


“You look tired, Buffy,” Willow said, her voice heavy with concern. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” she said, unconvincingly. “I took a nap today and I guess it ended up making me more sleepy.”

“You’re sure that’s all?” Xander asked, glancing around the Bronze before settling his gaze on his friend.

“What else would it be?” Buffy replied with a slight shrug, running her hand along the smooth surface of the table as she avoided the gazes of everyone sitting around her.

“Maybe because the man who broke your heart is breezing back into town in less than twenty-four hours and you haven’t mentioned anything about it,” Anya Jenkins replied, taking a sip of her drink and looking pointedly at the two people who kicked her under the table.

“Anya!” Xander hissed at his girlfriend.

“Is that one of those things that I’m not supposed to mention?” Anya asked, looking around the table.

“It could fall under that category,” he replied with sarcasm lacing his words.

“Guys…I’m fine,” Buffy said, looking around the table. “I’m fine,” she re-emphasized, hoping that they would drop the subject.

“There’s nothing wrong with wanting to talk about it, Buffy,” Willow said softly, leaning close to lay a comforting hand on her friends arm. “It’s only been a few months, but no one said you have to stay strong every single day.”

“And anytime there’s a bashing of Captain Peroxide, count me in,” Xander said, an angry look on his face as he thought of Spike hurting his friend.

“Xander,” Buffy said softly in a warning tone. “There will be no Spike bashing.”

“And especially not in defense of another woman’s honor,” Anya added in an irritated voice.

“Look, I appreciate it,” Buffy continued. “But it’s a part of my life that I just want to walk away from. I don’t want to look back and I don’t want to relive it. Just because Spike is coming back to Sunnydale, doesn’t mean he’s staying or that I’ll even run into him. Now, if you’ll excuse me,” she said, standing up and gesturing to her empty cup. “I’m Frosty Nectar bound.”

Pushing away from the table, she threaded her way through the crowd.

“She’s not okay,” Willow said softly. “How could she be?”

* * * * *

4 Years Earlier


Sitting at a table the next night, Buffy stared through the throngs of people, trying to discreetly catch a glimpse of bleached hair.

After meeting Spike the day before, she had run into him at the Bronze later that night. Making pleasant small talk, Buffy found herself to be even more attracted him, discovering that he was a genuinely nice guy.

Smiling and chatting with Willow and her friend Xander, Buffy was laughing at a joke he had just told her when she spotted him out on the dance floor with his arms around a tall, striking brunette. Trying to smash down a pang of jealousy, she nervously tucked a lock of hair behind her ear.

‘You just met him, Summers,’ she lectured herself. ‘You barely even talked to him and you’re getting jealous because he’s dancing with a woman who’s presumably his girlfriend? Get over it, Buffy.’

Buffy had successfully been able to get some information out of Giles, concerning his son. Once the bleached blonde had left the library the day before, she soon found out that they had moved to town a few years ago and that Spike was a sophomore at UC Sunnydale with a girlfriend. Buffy also got the distinct impression that Giles didn’t care very much for Drusilla Evans, whom Spike had been seeing since they moved.

Feeling comfortable around the older librarian, she soon found herself telling him about her father abandoning his wife and two daughters to run off with his secretary to Spain. She hadn’t heard from him since, and her mother had to move them to Sunnydale for economic purposes. Giles had listened sympathetically and told her if she ever needed to talk in the future, he would be available.

Now Buffy sat there trying to suppress her jealous feelings, watching the attractive couple moving on the dance floor.

“Would you like to dance, Buffy?”

Turning toward Xander, she offered him a grateful smile as she accepted his offer, letting him lead her out to the floor. Keeping an appropriate amount of distance between their bodies, not wanting to give him the wrong impression, she hesitantly put her hands on his shoulders, letting him take the subtle lead as he began swaying her to the music.

Watching with a glare from across the club, Spike tried not to think about the enticing blonde, even though his eyes were practically glued to her. He didn’t know why, but seeing Buffy laughing and dancing with another man made him very uneasy. Completely forgetting about Drusilla as he watched the young girl tilt her head back slightly and let out a laugh that never reached his ears, he gritted his teeth as he continued to study her.

Relieved when the song finally ended, he watched as she climbed the stairs leading to the balcony while the boy she was dancing with asked the redhead at their table to dance. Disentangling himself from Dru’s arms and walking her back to his friends’ table, Spike tried to play the attentive boyfriend role as he pulled out her chair for her. With a nod to Angel O’ Shea, Oz, Charles Gunn, and Gunn’s girlfriend Fred, Spike waited until Drusilla was immersed in their own conversation before leaning closer to her.

“I’ll be back in a minute, ducks,” he whispered before walking away. She barely even acknowledged his existence as she continued talking with Angel.

Climbing the stairs to the second level, Spike noticed it was nearly deserted as he glanced around. Smiling when he saw Buffy leaning against the railing, he couldn’t help but admire her as she looked around the crowded dance floor. He found the attentive look on her face adorable as her eyebrows furrowed and she bit her lip. Walking up behind her, Spike leaned close to her ear. “Watcha lookin’ for, pet?”

With a sharp yelp, Buffy spun around, bracing a hand against her chest as she tried to calm her erratic breathing. Realizing who it was that scared her, she felt her heart begin to race when Spike smiled, leaning forward to put his hands on each side of her body, supporting them on the railing behind her. “Didn’t mean to scare you, love.”

“Oh, that’s okay,” she replied nervously. “I just didn’t know anybody was there.” Briefly closing her eyes at her stupidity, she inwardly chastised herself. ‘Good going, Buff,’ she thought. ‘Sound like a complete idiot, why don’t you? Of course you didn’t know anybody was there or you wouldn’t have screamed like a coward.’

Looking up at him after a moment, she was shocked by his nearness, never realizing that his arms were trapping her between him and the railing that was pressing into her back. She was even more shocked when her body fought to propel her closer to him, eager to close the distance between their bodies in a reaction she’d never had before and didn’t understand.

Taking in his bright blue eyes, sharp cheekbones, and full lips, Buffy felt her own lips part slightly as she looked at him. A smirk overtook his handsome features when he leaned forward, hesitantly pressing his body against hers. Feeling a jolt at the contact, she suddenly remembered where she was and who she was with as she pushed him away.

“Don’t you have a girlfriend?” she asked, her voice coming out in a breathless whisper.

‘Stupid Buffy,’ that little inner voice said. ‘Give up major smoochies with the hottie- you’re not supposed to do that.’

Sighing regretfully, Spike took a step away as he nodded. “Yes…I do. I guess I should be getting back down there.” He had completely forgotten about Drusilla. He seemed to have forgotten about everything whenever he got within close proximity of the young woman.

“Yeah,” Buffy muttered, trying to mask her disappointment as she nodded in agreement. She knew the frustration was evident on her face when he took a moment to study her, looking deep into her eyes as if he was trying to find something. Whether he found it or not, Buffy didn’t know, merely watching as he turned and made his way back down the stairs. Waiting a few more minutes before heading off to find her friends, Buffy slowly descended the stairs, spotting them at the bar.

“Hey, guys,” she said, forcing a smile, trying to keep her nerves at bay. “I think I’m going to head home.”

“Already, Buff? It’s still early,” Xander said, a slight whine evident in his voice.

“Yeah, I know, but Mom starts work tomorrow and she wants to finish unpacking. Bada bing, that’s where I come in.”

“Do you want us to walk with you?” Willow asked, giving her new friend a soft smile.

“No, that’s okay,” Buffy replied, shaking her head. “You guys stay here and have some fun. I’ll see you at school tomorrow.”

Saying her good-byes, she quickly headed out the door of the club.

Walking through the back alleys to get home faster, Buffy felt a tremor of fear pass through her when she heard footsteps behind her. Stamping down the shiver, she sighed heavily, stopping after a moment and hearing the echo of the footsteps stop as well. Rolling her eyes, she didn’t bother turning around. “It’s late, I’m tired, and I don’t wanna play games. Show yourself.”

Turning around, Buffy raised an eyebrow when a man stepped out of the shadows. She felt her body tense, taking in the size of him, but relaxed a little bit when he offered her a soft smile.

“It’s okay,” he said, stopping a safe distance away from her. "My name’s Angel. I’m a friend of Spike’s.”

“So…what are you doing following me?” she asked, looking at him skeptically, not sure what to think about a man who followed her into a dark alley.

“He saw you leave and asked me to make sure you got home okay. He had to stick around with Drusilla, but apparently, you’ve made quite the impression on him. And since this isn’t the safest town to walk around in by yourself, here I am.”

“My knight in shining armor?” she asked with a bored expression.

“Not exactly- they actually have to save the damsel in distress.”

“Not much with the damseling,” Buffy replied. “And I can take care of myself.”

“I have no doubt…but if it’s all the same to you, I’d still like to walk you.”

Debating it for a moment, she finally sighed. “You try anything…”

“I promise to be a perfect gentleman,” he said with an easy smile. “You have my permission to stake me if I do anything deemed inappropriate.”

“Darn,” she said with a smile, snapping her fingers to mock herself. “And I left my good stake in the shop. What a shame.”

“Well, I guess I can breathe a little easier,” he said with a laugh as they began walking through the alley.

Making comfortable small talk as they walked through the streets of Sunnydale, Buffy found herself relaxing more in his presence. He didn’t make the butterflies swirl around her stomach the way Spike did, but she continuously reminded herself that Spike had a girlfriend who he seemed busy with that night. Buffy refused to be that girl.

“So, Miss Summers,” Angel said in a teasing tone when they turned onto Revello Drive. “What have you done to get my old pal Spike so wound up?”

“Nothing,” she replied with an innocent look in her eyes, obviously having no idea what she had done to his friend. “I-I just met him today. I’ve barely even talked to him.”

Angel raised an eyebrow in disbelief. “Well, this is a new development. I’ve never seen him act so protective over someone he just met. Friends, family- sure, but someone who he doesn’t even know…”

Buffy blushed, looking at the ground in embarrassment. “I promise, I haven’t done anything.”

“I’m not calling you a liar, Buffy,” Angel said quickly. “It’s just very out of character for Spike. At least at this stage in a…friendly situation.”

“You’ve known him a long time?”

“Nah, not really. Met him when he moved here with his dad last year. Found out he was a pretty good singer, so we decided to form our own band a few months later. He’s like the kid brother I never had. Annoying me, stealing my stuff, but ultimately, he’s one of the best friends I’ve got.”

“That’s nice that you two are so close,” Buffy said with a wistful smile. “So, you’re in a band?”

“Yeah, Dingoes Ate My Baby. Our friend Oz got the idea one day, and the rest of us just ran with it.”

“So it’s just the three of you, then?”

“Us and Charles Gunn. I’ve known him my whole life.”

“That’s nice. It’s good that you all have something to do together.”

“Yeah, it’s nice to just get together and have fun. Maybe someday we’ll make it big. Right now, we’re just playing at the Bronze and some clubs in L.A. whenever we get breaks from school.”

“You actually go to Los Angeles?” Buffy asked with a smile, letting it brighten when Angel nodded. “That’s big time.”

“Not really,” he replied with a slight shrug. “There’s a lot of clubs in that city.”

“I’d love to hear you guys.”

“That could be arranged,” Angel said with a smile.

* * * * *

Finally hearing the click of his friend picking up the phone later that night, Spike was barely able to restrain his temper when he heard Angel’s voice on the other end of the phone.

“Bloody hell, Angelus, where the hell have you been?” he growled.

“You asked me to walk Buffy home, so I walked her home.”

“That was two hours ago, Liam.”

“So, we talked for a while,” Angel replied, becoming slightly irritated with his friend. “And don’t call me Liam.”

Spike felt another pang of jealousy shoot through him at the idea that the girl who was becoming the object of every one of his thoughts and fantasies had spent the night talking and laughing with his best friend.

“So, what’d you talk about, mate?” Spike asked, trying to keep his tone neutral.

“Oh, you know, the ‘getting to know you’ stuff. Told her about the band, and she said she’d like to hear us sometime. Told her she could stop by for our next rehearsal.”

Slowly letting a smile overtake his features at the thought, Spike took a deep breath. “Sounds good to me.”




Thanks so much to: Juanita, Aseret, Caatje, lacey, Caitie, Sevvy_O, BuffyandSpikeForever, Cordykitten, & kim for reviewing!

Chapter 3 – A Sense of Normalcy


Present Day


“At least she appears to be having fun,” Anya said, tilting her head as they watched Buffy laugh as Xander twirled her around the dance floor. “I let them do that. It’s good for karma.”

Rolling her eyes, Willow sighed. “It’s not now that we have to worry about her…it’s when she’s all alone.”

“You believe she would hurt herself?”

“No,” Willow replied, shaking her head. “But what happens when the guys get home and the group settles into the normal routine?” Willow asked.

“What do you mean?” Anya asked, looking at the other woman with a curious expression.

“Hanging out at the Bronze, going out every weekend, the band rehearsals?”

Looking out at the dance floor, Anya’s brow furrowed as she considered the redhead. “I don’t know.”

* * * * *

4 Years Earlier


Feeling short of breath, Buffy’s eyes widened as she took in the sprawling grounds and three-story house in front of her. The beautiful red-brick home was amazing and more than a little intimidating.

When Angel had invited her to a band rehearsal in his garage, she assumed it would be low-key and simple. She never expected a mansion.

Nervously walking into the garage, Buffy looked around with a hesitant expression, unsure of what she should do or if she should even be there. ‘Maybe this was a mistake,’ she thought, looking around the ‘garage’, which could have been a guesthouse with the remodeling it had obviously endured. Cream-colored carpeting and dark blue walls provided a warm atmosphere, complete with a makeshift stage that took up an entire wall at the end of the room.

Her fears were soon dissuaded when she saw the four guys sitting on some beige-colored leather couches. They each offered her a smile, which was more than the tall brunette was doing. Buffy merely arched an eyebrow at the icy stare she was on the receiving end of.

“Buffy,” Angel said with a bright smile, standing up and quickly making his way over to the small blonde. “You made it. I was worried you wouldn’t be able to find the house.”

“That definitely wasn’t a problem,” she replied, trying to force a smile on her lips as her eyes flitted over to Spike, seeing the bleach blonde staring back at her with an unwavering gaze before turning his attention to his girlfriend. A brief frown marred Buffy’s features before she turned her attention back to Angel and put a bright smile on her face. “Have you guys already started?” she asked hesitantly.

“Yes, they’re playing right now,” Drusilla said with a raised eyebrow, drawing Buffy’s attention over to her.

“Dru!” Spike said sharply, turning to glare at his girlfriend for her rudeness.

Narrowing her eyes on the tall brunette, Buffy let a cold smile cross her lips. “I was asking if I had missed the rehearsal, but I can see how you might not be bright enough to pick up on that.”

Taking a step toward the blonde, Drusilla’s eyes were shooting sparks.

Spike stared at Buffy with an amused expression before intercepting his girlfriend. “Let it go,” he said softly, looking into her eyes. Seeing her resistance, he slowly arched an eyebrow. “You were the one who started it. Just let it go.”

“Fine,” Drusilla huffed, turning around and walking back to the couches, sitting down with a solemn expression.

Giving Buffy an appreciative glance for standing up to his strong-willed girlfriend, Spike’s eyes briefly darkened when he watched Angel take Buffy’s hand and began leading her around the garage, showing her all of the equipment that the band used and pointing out the small kitchen, in case she wanted anything.

‘You have a girlfriend,’ Spike told himself, closing his eyes and tightening his jaw as he desperately tried to remember the woman sitting behind her. ‘She’s the love of your life…or so she tells you.’

Then why was there an intense jealousy whenever he watched his friend get within touching distance of the small blonde?

* * * * *

Walking out of the garage as the rehearsals ended, Buffy was surprised to hear the door slam shut behind her. Turning around, her eyes widened when she saw Spike standing behind her.

“Leaving so soon, pet?” he asked, tilting his head to look at her as he reached into his pocket for his cigarettes.

“I wouldn’t really call it ‘soon’,” she replied, biting her lip, wondering how the simple act of lighting a cigarette could become impossibly sexy. “Your girlfriend seemed to hightail it out of here pretty quick,” she added, trying to avoid the way he snapped his lighter shut and put it in his pocket. ‘Don’t drool, Buffy.’

“I’m sorry about Dru,” he said softly, exhaling the smoke through his nose as he looked down. “She’s a little high-strung sometimes.”

“I can take care of myself,” Buffy said with a shrug, offering him a slight smile. “And it wasn’t your fault. It’s not like you said anything. Well…I better be getting home. My mom is probably wondering where I am.”

“Wait here for a minute and I’ll drive you.”

“No, that’s really okay,” she started to protest, shaking her head.

“Not taking no for an answer, Goldilocks,” he replied. “Starting to get dark out here. No telling what kind of nasties you could run into.”

“And I’m supposed to believe that you’re not one of them?” she asked with a smile, crossing her arms over her chest in a silent challenge.

“I’m one of the safer big bads walking around,” he said with a grin. “Even have the tendency to save the damsel in distress every now and then.”

“I already told Angel- I’m not much for the damseling.”

“It’s just a ride home, Buffy,” his expression darkening slightly when his friend was mentioned.

“It’s really okay,” she said softly, shaking her head after a moment. “Angel offered to drive me, but I told him I’d walk.”

“Buffy,” Spike said in a low voice that offered no room for argument. “I’m not letting you walk home alone.”

Waiting until she nodded, he disappeared into his friend’s garage, gathering his things before practically running out the door with a brief wave good-bye to his friends.

“In a hurry?” Buffy’s voice drifted from behind him, causing him to spin around and smile when he saw her leaning against the brick wall.

“Just making sure you hadn’t run off, is all,” he replied, covering for himself as he tilted his head toward his car. “Shall we?”

“We shall,” she said with a bright smile, following him to the car. “Thanks,” she murmured, slightly flustered when he opened the car door for her, allowing her to enter the vehicle before slowly closing it behind her.

Biting her lip as she watched Spike walk around the car, Buffy briefly closed her eyes. ‘What are you doing? He’s got a girlfriend, and you’re willingly sitting in his car as if it’s the most natural thing in the world…but his girlfriend is a bona fide bitch. And it’s not like he asked you to sleep with him. He’s just being a nice guy and offering you a ride home. He wants a girl to stay safe- that’s all.’

Successfully talked into her explanation, Buffy sighed as she leaned more comfortably against the seat.

“Where to?” Spike asked, starting the ignition.

“Revello Drive,” she replied softly, trying to resist the urge to look over and admire his profile as they drove through the streets of Sunnydale.

“So,” he said after a long moment of silence. “You and Angel?”

“What?” she asked, turning to look at him before realizing what he was asking. “Oh…um…I don’t know,” she said with a nervous smile. “He’s nice, I just…I don’t know if I’m looking for anything right now. I mean, I just moved here and…who’s to say that he even likes me?”

“He’d be a fool not to,” Spike muttered.

“What?” she asked, turning toward him with a surprised expression on her face.

“Oh…uh…nothing. Just talking to myself, I guess.”

“Oh,” Buffy said softly, knowing exactly what he had said and trying to suppress the smile that was wanting to make itself known. “So…how long have you and Drusilla been together?” she asked, trying not to choke as she said the name of the rigid woman.

“Since around the time I moved here, I s’pose.”

“Are you happy?” she asked softly, looking over to see his reaction. Noticing the tick in his jaw and the way he was clearly avoiding the question, Buffy bit her lip as she turned to look out the window. “Sorry,” she whispered. “Didn’t mean to get so personal.”

“You didn’t, that’s just…it’s a hard question.”

“It shouldn’t be,” she murmured. “You’re either happy or you’re not. Seems pretty cut and dry to me.”

“Yeah, well, you’re young,” he said softly, taking a deep breath when he realized that he said the wrong thing. “I didn’t mean that in a bad way, Buffy. But things are a little different when you get out of high school and step away from all of the bloody problems that go with it.”

“I guess you’re right,” she mumbled uncomfortably, pointing out her house as Spike turned onto Revello, practically lunging for the door handle when the car rolled to a stop. “Thanks for the ride.”

“Buffy.”

“Yeah?” she asked, turning toward him with a skeptical expression.

“I could be happy…with the right person.”

Feeling warmth spread through her stomach and the redness staining her cheeks as she continued to hold his strong gaze, Buffy took a deep breath as she stepped away from the car, reluctantly closing the door behind her.

Watching as Spike drove away, she sighed heavily, waiting until the taillights disappeared. “Me, too.”

Chapter 4 – Fighting Chances


Present Day


‘Why can’t I just drown?’ he wondered, foggily staring at the ever-present alcohol that was sitting in front of him. ‘Why can’t I just forget about her? The look on her face…the betrayal that I caused? Why can’t I just drink it all away? Drink myself away…’

Letting his shoulders slump even more, Spike continued to stare at the bar, continuously brushing off the advances of eager women, not bothering to give any of them a second look. He wasn’t interested. He wasn’t flattered.

Not anymore.

The kind of women that were hanging around him represented nothing but the destruction of his relationship. The destruction of himself that he had caused.

The only approval he wanted was from the one woman he couldn’t have.

‘The one woman you did have,’ he thought drunkenly. ‘And you just tossed her away as if you never gave a damn about her…as if everything you shared meant nothing.’

But it meant everything. He knew it then and he knew it now. ‘Why couldn’t I have known five months ago?’ he asked himself. ‘Why did I let it happen? When did everything get so cloudy?’

Walking into the hotel bar, Angel sighed when he spotted his friend hunched over the bar. “Do you ever crawl out of the bottle?” he asked, plopping down on the stool next to Spike.

“Sod off,” he muttered.

“Nah…I think it would be more fun to stay here and watch you drink yourself to death, the way you have been every night for the last five months.” Hearing something that sounded like a growl, Angel almost had to laugh as he shook his head before looking over at his friend with a serious expression. “How are you?”

“Could be worse,” Spike muttered, looking at the bar, slowly rotating his glass, staring into the amber liquid as it swirled around and lapped at the sides.

“I’m guessing that face isn’t because you’re reluctant to see your old man for the first time since it happened,” Angel said, ordering a drink from the bartender as Spike shot him a scathing look. “You nervous?”

“About seeing her?” Spike asked softly. “No,” he whispered, shaking his head. “I’ll be lucky if I even catch a glimpse of her. Can’t blame her for wanting to stay as far away from me as possible.”

“You have to expect her to still be hurt,” Angel said, trying to help out his friend. “But who knows? Maybe she will want to see you.”

“I don’t deserve that,” Spike muttered almost to himself. “She deserves more than I can give her.”

“Maybe that’s for her to decide,” his friend replied.

“She doesn’t have to…I fucked everything up and decided for her.”

“Do you still love her, Spike?” Angel asked, studying the other man with a hard glare.

“What kind of bloody question is that?!” he yelled, spinning around to face his friend, drawing the attention of the people who were sitting close to them.

“Then why don’t you do what’s right for a change?”

“How?” he asked miserably.

“Make it right. You can’t make her forgive or forget, but you can definitely give her a push in the right direction. Show her how much she means to you. Show her that you have truly changed. Maybe then you’ll have a fighting chance.”

* * * * *

4 Years Earlier


Sighing as she loaded her last suitcase into the back of her mom’s Jeep, Buffy tried to keep the pout on her lip from forming. She would be leaving for Los Angeles in a few hours to spend the summer with her dad. After dreading this day for months, she couldn’t help but wish her father would call and tell her that he had to go out of town for business. She had been hoping to get the call telling her that she wouldn’t be able to go visit him, but the day had arrived, and no phone call.

‘Amazing,’ she thought, rolling her eyes at the irony of her life. ‘When I don’t want him to cancel on me, he does, but when I actually want to stay here, he finds an opening in his schedule to squeeze in his children.’

Closing the back of the Jeep, she leaned against it, watching her younger sister run out the door with her bag before turning around, running back into the house, obviously forgetting something.

After the past few months, spending time with her friends and still watching the band rehearsals whenever she got a chance, her group of friends had somehow merged with Spike’s.

Except for Drusilla.

Anytime Spike wasn’t looking, the brunette felt it necessary to shoot death glares at Buffy, which she all too eagerly returned.

Aside from the wicked witch of the east, the two groups of friends had settled comfortably together. Willow and Oz had really hit it off and started dating around New Year’s; Xander found himself befriended by Gunn and Angel, and even though Spike took a little more persuading, he eventually kept his ridiculing down when he was around the younger man- now he merely called him ‘whelp’. It never occurred to Buffy that he considered Xander a threat to what the two of them had…or could have. Gunn and Fred were still together, and Buffy surprisingly found herself dating Angel.

Their relationship was fairly short-term, only lasting for a few months- they each agreed that the spark wasn’t there and amicably parted ways the day after her birthday. They were better off as friends, and they both knew it. Even though Buffy cared for him, she couldn’t bring herself to want to sleep with him. She never even considered the possibility.

Part of her realized that she was still fixated on Spike and what they could have had. She tried to ignore it as the school year continued, but the feelings always seemed to be there, boiling below the surface. She avoided him as much as possible, in large part to not have to be subjected to his girlfriend’s glares and snide comments.

Until recently.

A few weeks ago, Drusilla had broken up with Spike, claiming he didn’t love her anymore and she needed to move on.

In reality, she had found herself with someone else, but Buffy couldn’t bring herself to tell him. She knew Spike would be devastated at the idea of losing his girlfriend to someone else. Buffy didn’t want to get caught in the middle, unwilling to tell him about catching the bitchy brunette with another man outside the Bronze and slipping away before she was noticed.

She had briefly considered telling Spike, but the decision was taken out of her hands when Drusilla took the initiative. The two of them had been together for years, and she dropped him like a bad habit, a decision that Buffy didn’t pretend to understand, but she also didn’t hide the fact that Spike could do better. Especially when Dru showed up at the Bronze on the arm of her newest boytoy, who was singing in a wannabe rock band. Obviously she had gone for someone who she thought would make it big. She didn’t even have enough faith in her own boyfriend to support him.

Eventually, Spike started the process of moving on, and a big part of that entailed stepping up the flirting with Buffy. Every now and then, she liked to believe that he was really attracted to her, but other than the near kiss at the Bronze that had almost occurred months ago, he had never bothered to try anything else. Flirty touches and glances were the only things ever exchanged, much to Buffy’s chagrin.

Now that she was about to leave for the entire summer, just when her dream guy was finally back on the market, she didn’t think her summer could get any worse…and it hadn’t even started. Sighing as she banged her head against the back of the car, she couldn’t believe her bad luck.

“What’s with the long face, pet?”

Turning around, a huge smile immediately lit up Buffy’s face when she saw Spike walking up the driveway towards her, his hands shoved in his pockets and his head tilted to one side as he stared at her.

“Just thinking about how much I want to stay here this summer,” Buffy replied with a shrug, leaning against the car.

Coming to a stop beside her, Spike slowly reached out and tucked a loose lock of hair behind her ear, giving her a tender smile when her eyes met his.

“I wish you could, too,” he said softly, letting his fingertips rest on her cheek longer than necessary. “Take a walk with me.”

Her face immediately brightening, Buffy motioned for him to stay where he was as she quickly walked up the path leading to the front door.

“Mom!” she called, leaning through the doorway. “Spike’s here, we’re going for a walk.”

“Have fun, sweetie! Keep track of the time, we’ll need to leave soon.”

Heading back to the driveway, Buffy blushed when she saw Spike outstretch his hand, smiling when he saw the flush in her cheeks. Hesitantly taking his hand in hers, Buffy felt her heart flutter when his smile brightened as he entwined their fingers together.

Walking through the shady streets in a comfortable silence, Spike led her to a park that was a few blocks away. Bypassing the kids who were running and playing on the playground equipment, they walked along a trail, letting the trees shield them until they came to a grassy clearing, offering them some privacy from the younger Sunnydale citizens.

Sitting down on the grass, he smiled at the giggle Buffy gave him when he pulled her down into his lap and wrapped his arms around her waist, holding her securely in place. Her smile soon faded as she looked into his eyes, feeling her heart begin to race at his close proximity. She could almost feel her stomach clench with anticipation when she felt his breath mingling with hers. Swallowing hard as she reached upward, Buffy gently ran her hand over his angular cheekbones before trailing it downward to settle on the back of his neck. She had no idea where the bold move came from.

Looking at the girl in his arms, Spike felt his breath catch in his throat. She looked stunning as the fading sunlight brought out the highlights in her blonde hair, letting the golden shimmers stand out against her black shirt. Looking at her moist lips, he couldn’t help the sudden desire to close the distance between them.

Nervously licking her lips when she saw him advancing on her, Buffy let her eyes close seconds before he made contact. Quickly losing control as the sparks seemed to shoot between them, she twined her hands through his hair, feeling him pull her even closer as the kiss deepened. Straining to get even closer to him, Buffy straddled his lap, letting her hands run up his muscular chest to settle on his shoulders. Never breaking contact with his lips, she moaned, grinding her damp center against the hardness she encountered. Breaking away, she gasped at the sensations he created in her as she continued to move with him.

“Spike…I want you,” she panted as he trailed kisses along her exposed neck.

“Buffy, I need you. God, I need you so much.”

Their lips fused together again as Spike rolled them, laying her down in the soft grass and covering her body with his own. Pulling away from her again, he stared down into her lust-filled eyes and a jolt of realization seemed to go through him.

‘What am I doing?’ he wondered, trying to keep himself from taking her, making her his at that moment. ‘She’s a seventeen-year-old girl. You can’t do this to her.’

Reluctantly pulling away from her, Spike shakily stood up.

“Wh-what’s wrong?” Buffy asked, her eyes wide with uncertainty.

“Buffy, we can’t do this,” he whispered, not believing the words that were coming out of his mouth.

“What are you talking about?”

“You’re seventeen…I’m almost twenty-one. I can’t take advantage of you like this.”

“Take advantage…? Spike, I’m not some little kid,” she said, pushing herself to her feet and looking at him in disbelief.

“I know…we just can’t.”

“So what was all of this, Spike? A joke? You make me feel for you and then…just something to laugh about with your buddies, right? Poor, naïve little Buffy.”

“Buffy, I would never do that. I want you so much that it chokes me. I feel like I have to have you, but we can’t.”

“Fine,” she said, trying to mask the pain in her voice with the anger she was feeling. “I guess I’ll just go find someone my own age. I mean, I’m not that bad to look at…someone’s bound to come along and say, ‘Hey, I wouldn’t mind a piece of her’.”

“Don’t,” Spike growled. He knew she was just lashing out because she was hurt, but he couldn’t stop the possessiveness that flowed through him at the idea of anyone else touching her. He had never been more relieved in his life when she and Angel broke up. He knew she was still a virgin, and it killed him to think she might run out and sleep with someone else. They were too close for him to not consider her to be his.

“Buffy,” he began again, trying to keep his voice calm. “I don’t want you to be mad at me. I want to be with you, love, more than I’ve ever wanted anyone, but please try to understand what I’m trying to do.” He gently hooked a finger under her chin, raising her eyes to his. “Please,” he whispered.

At the desperate note in his voice, Buffy felt the tears sting her eyes as her chin trembled.

“It’s just…if you think that what I feel for you might just be a big joke…”

“It’s not,” he said firmly with an urgent tone in his voice that surprised her.

“You really want me?”

Not bothering to answer, Spike pulled her closer to him, wrapping his arms around her waist as his lips smashed against hers. The kiss was almost brutal, as if she was being claimed by him. Molding her soft curves to his body as the kiss deepened even more, Spike’s tongue dipped into her mouth, gently caressing hers. Slowly softening his touch until their lips were barely touching with light caresses, he found himself already missing her. She was still in his arms, and he wanted to keep her there forever.

Pulling away a moment later, he pressed his forehead to hers, briefly closing his eyes as he tried to catch his breath.

“Does that answer your question?” he asked with a smile.

Breathing heavily, Buffy nodded, feeling like she was unable to do anything else.

“You’ll wait for me?”

Looking up at him, her brows knit together as she realized what he just asked her.

“Wh-what do you mean?” she asked, not wanting to believe what she was hearing.

Watching his hand as it trailed down her bare arm, Spike gave her a soft smile. “I want to see you when you get home.”

“See me?”

Spike kissed her softly, pulling away too quickly for either of them. “I want you, Buffy. I can’t stand to think of anyone else touching you…holding you.”

Closing her eyes when he pulled her into his embrace, Buffy sighed. “So that means I can’t go out and hook up with a few random guys while I’m in L.A.?” she asked with a bright smile.

Giggling when Spike jerked away from her with a shocked expression, she closed the distance between them as he relaxed. “You better be bloody joking.”

“I am,” she replied, looking up at him with wide eyes.

“I think I deserve a good-bye kiss for that little stunt.”

“I think I can arrange that.”






Thanks so much to: lacey, Caitie, Cordykitten, gypsy_jin, Stephanie, Sevvy_O, BuffyandSpikeForever, spikes slayer, kim, & spikette55 for reviewing!

Chapter 5 – Once Upon a Time


Present Day


Pacing the length of the hotel suite, Spike glared at the camera crew as they continued to set up for the interview.

“You okay?” Oz asked, leaning against a nearby wall.

“Why do we have to tape the fucking thing at night?” he asked irritably.

“Have some place you’d rather be?”

Hearing the underlying statement in his friend’s voice, Spike stopped pacing, closing his eyes in remorse. “What’s that supposed to mean?” he asked softly.

“I’m just asking.”

“No,” Spike replied, turning to look at Oz. “I just want to tape the damn segment and get it over with.” Growing more frustrated, he tried not to pace restlessly around the area.

“Eager to get home?” Gunn asked, joining in the conversation.

“Not particularly,” he muttered, taking a deep breath. “Think I just need some fresh air.”

Avoiding the crew that continued to set up the equipment, Spike walked through the doors to the balcony, gripping the railing as he stared out at Los Angeles.

“Getting nervous?”

Turning at the sound of Angel’s voice behind him, Spike glanced at him before directing his gaze back at the lights of the city.

“We’ve done about a million TV spots in the past year, so I’m thinking that’s not it. It’s Buffy, isn’t it?”

“Isn’t it always?” Spike whispered. “By this time tomorrow, I’ll be so close to her…and I won’t be able to see her. The only woman I’ve ever loved…and now I’m nothing to her.”

“You used to put that girl up on a pedestal,” Angel said. “You were her everything.”

“How many times do I have to tell you this, Angelus?” Spike growled. “I didn’t see what I had. Not then, though I sure as hell see it now…and there’s no chance of me ever getting her back. I lost the only woman I’ve ever loved because I was too caught up living the life of a rock star.”

“Come on, man. I know what you did was horrible, but there comes a time when you have to stop torturing yourself about it. Yes, you screwed up. Horribly, maybe irreparably, but that doesn’t mean you can’t try to get her back. It doesn’t mean that she’s forgotten about you or the way she used to feel about you.”

“I can’t take it back,” Spike whispered, watching the lights around him begin to blur as he fought the tears in his eyes. “I can’t take any of it back, no matter how much I want to. I can’t give her anything…not anymore.”

“I remember when you were willing to give her the world,” Angel said softly. “Once upon a time.”

“Once upon a time,” Spike whispered.

* * * * *

3 Years Earlier


Dancing in the arms of her boyfriend, Buffy rested more comfortably against him as they continued to celebrate her birthday.

After conspiring with her mother to make her breakfast in bed early that morning, he had proceeded to wake her up with a kiss, something that she preferred to her clock radio any day of the week.

”Rise and shine, Sleeping Beauty,” Spike whispered, brushing a soft kiss along her forehead, smiling when he saw her begin to stir. “Come on, Birthday Girl. You’re got a full day ahead of you.”

Spending the afternoon watching movies and curling up together on the couch, Spike later took her for a walk on the beach to watch the sunset.

”Isn’t this a little feminine for someone with your ‘Big Bad’ persona? I thought you’d want to protect your image,” Buffy said with a grin.

“Not gonna lie and say it’s on my list of favorite things to do…but I knew you’d like it.”

Feeling the butterflies fluttering in her stomach, Buffy couldn’t believe how lucky she was as Spike pulled her against his body, wrapping his duster around both of them. She watched the colors fade away while Spike nuzzled her neck, smiling at the shivers racing through her body.

After leaving the beach, Spike took her to the Bronze for a surprise party with all of their friends, holding her hand while everyone sang happy birthday to her.

”Come on, Spike. Wear a hat,” Xander said, throwing the party hat in Spike’s lap.

“For the last time, not wearing a hat, whelp.”

“Oz and Gunn are wearing them.”

“Oz and Gunn are whipped by their girlfriends,” Spike replied in a bored tone.

“And you’re not?” he asked skeptically.

Looking over just in time to see Buffy laugh at something Willow said, Spike smiled as he watched his girlfriend. She was happier than he had ever seen her…and he’d caused that.

“Give me the soddin’ hat, Harris.”

After the obligatory cake, ice cream, and presents, Spike had whisked her away to his apartment for some much needed alone time.

Walking into his bedroom later that night, Buffy had been shocked to see the dozens of candles on every flat surface and the stereo playing a soft, romantic song. Spike had enveloped her in his arms, and the two were now lost in each other’s eyes as they swayed to the music. Leaning down and kissing her softly, he slowly tightened his hands around her waist. Leaning back, Buffy looked up into his eyes, trying to suppress the urge to bite her lip as she met his unwavering gaze.

“Spike,” she whispered. “All of this…”

“Wasn’t designed for anything,” he said before she could continue. “Just wanted to make your birthday special.”

“It was,” she said softly, feeling his body tighten when she pressed herself more firmly against him. “And I know a way to make it more special.”

“You sure?” he asked in disbelief.

“It’s been six months,” she whispered.

“I can wait, Buffy,” he murmured, his lips getting closer to hers. “I can wait as long as you need…I just wanted to give you a good night.”

“You did,” she said with a soft smile. “And I know we don’t have to do this…but I want you.”

Not giving him a chance to say anything else, Buffy pulled him down for a tender kiss. Wrapping his arms more firmly around him, Spike tried to retain some semblance of control when she pulled away from him, inadvertently pushing her body against his.

Taking a deep breath, she took his hand in hers, leading him over to the bed.

“This wasn’t some elaborate plan to get you into my bed, love. I just wanted to-”

“Spike, I know…but that doesn’t mean that there can’t be a change in plans.”

With shaky movements, Spike slowly began unbuttoning his shirt, his breath catching in his throat when Buffy’s hands slipped beneath the material, pushing it away from his shoulders. Meeting her lips in a tender kiss, his hands wandered to the back of her dress, quickly finding the zipper. Gently tugging at it until he felt the dress begin to fall from her body, the dress pooled on the floor, leaving Spike to stare at Buffy in wonderment as he was overcome with how beautiful she was.

Wearing a black lace bra and matching panties, his painful erection instantly grew even larger as he took in how exquisite she was. The innocence that seemed to radiate from her also seemed to give off a sexuality that she didn’t even seem to be aware of.

Hesitantly reaching out, his hands ran over the soft skin of her stomach, and after lowering his lips to her neck, he quickly found the clasp of her bra. Discarding it to the growing pile of clothes on the floor, Spike cupped his hands around her firm breasts, massaging them gently.

Moaning as he continued his ministrations, Buffy pulled him down to the bed, trying to get closer to him.

“Spike, please,” she whispered, her voice muffled against his lips.

“Shhh, baby,” he murmured, trailing kisses along the column of her neck. “I’m gonna make it perfect for you.”

Becoming mindless with need, Buffy didn’t respond, arching against him as his mouth found one of her nipples, rolling his tongue around it before gently biting down.

Threading her fingers through his hair, she moaned as his other hand tweaked the nipple that was being overlooked, moving at such a slow pace, Buffy briefly wondered if she should try and regain some control. Abandoning the idea as soon as she thought of it when his movements increased, sending her gasping for air.

Kissing a path down her body, Spike hooked his fingers under each side of her panties and gently pulled them down her toned legs. Panting slightly at the sight of her flushed and aroused body spread out for him on his bed, he kissed his way up one of her legs until he reached her moist center.

“Spike?” she whispered, her voice laced with uncertainty. Making a move to close her legs, Buffy nearly screamed when she felt his tongue run across her opening. Her eyes watered as she squeezed them shut, trying to control the blinding pleasure that seemed to race through her. “Oooh, God!”

Stopping his movements for the barest of seconds, Spike smiled before renewing his efforts. Alternating between kissing, licking, and sucking, he soon had Buffy thrashing beneath him, her fingers twined through his hair as she desperately held him closer to her, fearful that he would stop.

“Spike, please! I need…I need…”

“I know what you need, baby,” he whispered before focusing his attention on the center of her arousal, sucking her clit into his mouth and letting his teeth gently scrape over it before grasping it. Lightly flicking his tongue over and over until Buffy was screaming in ecstasy, using her hands to push his head down further, trying to prolong her pleasure. Spike eagerly complied with her wishes before licking her from top to bottom.

Crawling up the length of her body, he smiled at the sated look on her face. Looking up at him between partially closed eyelids, she smiled. “That was amazing.”

“Glad you enjoyed it, love,” he said with a smile before kissing her deeply.

Tasting herself on Spike’s tongue, another stroke of arousal shot through her as she eagerly reached for the zipper of his jeans. Making quick work of them, Buffy’s eyes widened when she pushed them over his hips, feeling his erection spring forth and hit her in the stomach.

Trembling as Spike settled himself between her legs, she briefly closed her eyes as he positioned himself at her dripping center. Staying still for a long moment, his mind briefly registered that he wasn’t wearing a condom before remembering that Buffy had been on the Pill for a few months.

“I think this might hurt for just a minute, baby,” he murmured, unsure of what to expect since she was a virgin.

“I’m ready,” she replied, nodding as if to assure herself just as much as him.

Slowly easing into her body, inch by inch, he watched as the expression on her face became more uncomfortable the closer he got to her barrier. Running one hand soothingly up and down her torso, he gave her another loving kiss before tearing through her virginity. Breaking away from him with a sharp cry, tears entered her eyes, leaving her to frantically blink them back before Spike could worry about her.

Tenderly kissing her shoulder and neck, Spike made his way upward until he was looking at the tears that she was obviously trying to suppress freely spilling down her cheeks. He felt as if his heart was going to explode from the pain he was causing her.

“Shhh, baby,” he said, kissing her, doing what he could to take her mind away from the pain. “The worst is over.”

Slowly realizing that the pain was subsiding, Buffy nodded as she tried to control her erratic breathing. Arching up against him softly, Spike looked into her eyes.

“Are you sure it’s okay?”

“I’m alright,” she whispered, nodding her head to reassure him.

Hesitating for a moment, Spike gently eased halfway out of her, pushing back in after a moment as Buffy adjusted to him.

Gasping at the shock of pleasure that rushed through her, she eagerly pulled Spike down to kiss him, meeting him thrust for thrust.

Spike was in heaven. Nothing had ever felt better than being sheathed inside her. He looked down at the woman beneath him and realized how much he cared for her. It wasn’t love…not yet, anyway. His heart wasn’t able to open up to someone as quickly since Drusilla had trampled all over it, but he knew he cherished Buffy. He would do anything for her…to protect her…and eventually to love her.

She was his. She was giving herself freely to him, and the last thing he wanted to do was ruin that moment.

Feeling his climax closing in on him, Spike angled his thrusts to brush against the most elusive place inside of her, sending her over the edge. After a few seconds, he felt her inner muscles tighten around him and arch up with a scream. Spike smiled briefly before following her over the edge, squeezing his eyes shut as he climaxed.

Each trying to catch their breath as Spike’s body blanketed Buffy’s, their lips met in a tender kiss as they tried to control themselves. Slowly pulling out of her, they both groaned at the loss of intimate contact before Spike rolled onto his back, pulling Buffy onto his chest. He watched as her fingertips traced patterns over his upper body, obviously lost in thought. Doing what he could to soothe her, Spike ran his hands up and down her arms, trying to soothe her.

“I love you,” she whispered after a moment.

Spike froze at the admission before she propped herself up to look at him, letting her hair spill over her shoulder as she met his gaze. “I don’t expect you to say it back, but I thought you should know…I love you. I have for a long time.”

“Buffy, I-I…”

“Shhh,” she whispered, placing a finger over his lips. “I want you to say it when you’re ready. I can wait.”







Thanks so much to: Juanita, Lacey, BuffyandSpikeForever, Sevvy_O, Cordykitten, willowmouse, gypsy_jin, jennybean, spikes slayer, Smitten, & Caitie for reviewing!!

Chapter 6 – High Hopes


Present Day


Knocking on the door of Giles’ home later that night, Buffy offered the older man a soft smile when he answered.

“Buffy,” he said with a smile. “I wasn’t expecting you tonight.”

“I know, Giles. I’m sorry it’s so late, but…well, it’s been kind of a rough day,” she said with a sheepish expression.

“Come in, please,” he said, opening the door even wider.

Entering the cozy apartment, she slowly walked into the living room, waiting for the older man to join her before sitting down on the overstuffed sofa.

“I just wanted to stop by, since I wasn’t sure when I would see you again.”

Taking off his glasses and cleaning them with a soft cloth, Giles sighed. “Buffy, just because William is coming home is no reason for you to hide. You did nothing wrong.”

“I know,” she said softly, looking down at her hands as she nervously wrung them together. “I just…it would just be too hard…seeing him…in person, I mean. Not that it’s not hard when I see him on TV or hear one of their songs on the radio. Or there’s the real kicker, when I get to walk through the grocery store and see the picture of the little slut I caught him with, telling her story for a few quick bucks…”

Trailing off when she realized what her babbling had led to, she looked up at Giles with a nervous expression.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean…”

“Buffy, I have no reason to defend William’s actions or behavior. I was furious with him for hurting you as well as not having the guts to tell you about it. You’re like a daughter to me, and I do not condone Will’s behavior, no matter how much I love him.”

Trying to stop her eyes from watering, she looked downward when a few traitorous tears slipped free. “I still love him, Giles,” she whispered in a choked voice. “And I don’t want to. I wish there was some way to just turn off all of my emotions but…I can’t. It’s horrible…everything he did…having to deal with all of it…I just feel horrible all the time.”

Giles crossed the floor and wrapped his surrogate daughter in his arms, letting her cry against his shoulder for several minutes before she pulled away.

“I’m sorry, I’ve been doing really good with the not breaking down…but, with him coming home tomorrow…”

“No need to explain, dear.”

“Anyway, um, the reason I came is to give you your Christmas gift, since I really doubt I’ll be seeing you on Christmas Day,” she said, handing him the small box.

“That’s so thoughtful,” Giles said with a soft smile as he stood up to walk toward the festive tree set up in the corner of the room. “I have yours here, as well.”

Retrieving a box from beneath the tree, he turned and handed it to her. They each tore into their own gifts and let out simultaneous gasps at what they found.

“Buffy, this is too much,” he said, holding up the silver watch and examining it while Buffy removed her gift from the box.

“Oh, Giles, you really shouldn’t have, this is beautiful.”

Looking down at the book in her hands, she let her fingertips gently run across the soft leather. It had a clasp holding the blank pages together, and her name was inscribed in the bottom right hand corner, making a smile pull at her lips at the thought that must have gone into this gift.

“Nonsense,” he said. “I know you need to get your feelings out, and sometimes a journal is the best way.”

“Get my feelings out,” she murmured, biting her lip, wishing that she had done that a year ago.

* * * * *

1 Year Earlier


Trudging home after her last class of the day, Buffy sighed, thinking about how much she was really starting to resent college. After only one semester, she couldn’t wait for Christmas Break. That night, she would be working on a research paper and studying for two tests- she could already feel the energy draining out of her.

“Buffy, wait up, pet!”

Turning around, a bright smile lit up her face when she saw Spike jogging toward her. Since he had graduated college in May, she felt like she never got to see him- most of his time was spent with the band, working on their songs. They signed a recording deal a few months ago, and one of their songs was already climbing the Billboard chart.

“What are you doing here?” she asked as he approached.

Greeting her with a long, hard kiss, Spike pulled back to give her a huge smile before responding, “I had to see you. I got the greatest news today, and you were the first person I wanted to tell.”

“Well, what is it?” she asked, his excitement rubbing off on her.

“We’re going on tour!”

Buffy’s smile faltered a little before she quickly put it back in place. She knew this was always a possibility- it was all Spike could talk about since they signed the deal.

“When?” she asked quietly.

“We leave the beginning of January. It’s over right before Christmas,” he said, nearly jumping up and down like a little kid.

Practically feeling her heart freeze in her chest, she swallowed nervously. ‘A year? He’s leaving for over a year?’

“Congratulations, honey,” she whispered. “I know this is what you always wanted.”

Spike stopped his celebrating to look at her closely. “You’re not happy.”

“No, I mean it’s…it’s great news,” she replied, trying to keep her smile firmly in place.

“What’s wrong, Buffy?”

“It’s just…it’s a long time for you to be away.”

“I know, baby, but it’ll be fine. We will be fine,” he insisted, loosely putting his hands on her waist, pressing his forehead against hers.

Relaxing a little at the reassurance in his tone, Buffy let a genuine smile come over her face. “Hey, maybe I could go with you,” she said after a moment. “You know, take a little time off school and see the country.”

Spike smiled, reaching out to stroke her cheek. “I’d love for you to, Goldilocks, but you need to focus on school. I’m about to live my dream- you should work on yours.”

“I don’t even know what mine is, other than being with you.”

“I know…and that’s why you need to stay and figure it out,” he said, pulling her into a hug and burying his face in her hair. “I’m going to miss you like crazy, you know that, right?” he asked with a strained voice.

“I know,” she whispered. “I’m going to miss you, too. Maybe whenever you’re on the west coast, I can take some time off and come see you.”

Spike pulled away and smiled down at her, obviously relieved at the thought. “Sounds perfect, love.”




Thanks so much to: gypsy_jin, Caitie, Cordykitten, Sevvy_O, willowmouse, BuffyandSpikeForever & spikes slayer for reviewing!

Chapter 7 – Bed of Roses…and Thorns


Present Day


Still staring at the journal in her hands, Buffy took a deep breath, trying to overcome the tears that always seemed to be in her eyes. Looking up, she frowned when she saw Giles checking his watch.

“Should I leave?” she asked, tilting her head slightly as she waited for his response. “I know it’s late…”

“No,” Giles said quickly, shaking his head. “It’s just that…William is...well, he called…you see the thing is…”

“Giles, tell me.”

“He taped a segment earlier today for one of the late night programs, and he called to let me know it would be airing tonight.”

Giving him a small smile of understanding, Buffy nodded. “And you wanted to watch it, but you were worried about me.”

“Yes.”

“I’ll be okay,” she insisted. “Go ahead and turn it on.”

Watching as he walked over to the huge entertainment center that Spike sent him for his birthday, Buffy took a deep breath as he turned on the TV.

Sitting in silence, the two of them watched the first few guests go through the interviews. When the band was announced, Buffy’s eyes were riveted to her ex-boyfriend as he moved across the stage, adjusting his microphone.

“He looks good,” she commented almost miserably.

Noticing her somber tone, Giles patted her shoulder in comfort. “He’s miserable without you, Buffy. He asks about you every time he calls and wants to hear all the details. The happiest I’ve heard him in the past few months was when I told him you’d chosen photography as your major. He was pleased to know you found something you love doing.”

Offering a half-hearted smile, Buffy didn’t know how to respond, turning her attention back to the screen. Hearing the music begin, her heart clenched in her chest as she recognized the song- a remake of Bon Jovi’s Bed of Roses. The band had released it a month earlier and it became an instant hit. Feeling the tears spring to her eyes as she listened to the man she was still in love with begin to sing a song that reflected such a horrible moment in her life.

“Sitting here wasted and wounded
at this old piano
Trying hard to capture
the moment this morning I don't know
'Cause a bottle of vodka
is still lodged in my head
And some blonde gave me nightmares
I think she's still in my bed
As I dream about movies
they won't make of me when I'm dead

With an ironclad fist I wake up and
French kiss the morning
While some marching band keeps
its own beat in my head
While we're talking
About all of the things that I long to believe
About love and the truth and
what you mean to me
And the truth is, baby you're all that I need

I want to lay you down on a bed of roses
For tonight I sleep on a bed of nails
I want to be just as close as the Holy Ghost is
And lay you down on a bed of roses

Well I'm so far away
That each step that I take is on my way home
A king's ransom in dimes I'd given each night
Just to see through this payphone
Still I run out of time
Or it's hard to get through
Till the bird on the wire flies me back to you
I'll just close my eyes and whisper,
baby blind love is true

I want to lay you down on a bed of roses
For tonight I sleep on a bed of nails
I want to be just as close as the Holy Ghost is
And lay you down on a bed of roses

The hotel bar hangover whiskey's gone dry
The barkeeper's wig's crooked
And she's giving me the eye
I might have said yeah
But I laughed so hard I think I died

Now as you close your eyes
Know I'll be thinking about you
While my mistress she calls me
To stand in her spotlight again
Tonight I won't be alone
But you know that don't
Mean I'm not lonely, I've got nothing to prove
For it's you that I'd die to defend

I want to lay you down on a bed of roses
For tonight I sleep on a bed of nails
I want to be just as close as the Holy Ghost is
And lay you down on a bed of roses”

The last few notes were still ringing through the air as Spike leaned into the microphone once more. “I’m still in love with you, Buffy.”

The air rushed out of her body as the ache in her heart seemed to multiply at the admission. Wiping the tears away that were traveling down her cheeks, she tried to control her breathing, not wanting to worry Giles.

“Buffy?”

Turning at the sound of the older man’s voice, she offered him a weak smile. “I need to be getting home,” she said softly, standing up and clutching at her new journal as she started walking to the door.

“Of course,” he replied in understanding. “Can I offer you a lift?”

“No, that’s okay, Giles. I think I need to walk…clear my head a little.”

“Perhaps you can stop by for lunch tomorrow- Will’s not due in until after seven.”

“That would be great. I’ll try and make it over around noon.”

“Splendid,” he said with a bright smile. “I’ll be expecting you.”

Offering him a small wave before walking out the door, her shoulders immediately slumped when she heard the click of the door shutting behind her. The tears seemed to automatically start again when she was alone. Walking slowly toward her house, Buffy clutched the leather book to her chest, looking for some kind of comfort.

She still loved him so much and he was coming home.

How would she be able to look at him whenever she saw him? She knew it was inevitable- Sunnydale was too small to not run into him. The band would be there for at least a year, on hiatus, while they worked on some new material.

Spike had ripped her heart out. How was that forgivable? Or even tolerable?

Buffy knew that he was also keeping tabs on her through Oz whenever he talked to Willow. She didn’t know what to think about that. Did he still love her, or was it all an act? Was it for publicity? Did he ever really love her?

* * * * *

11 Months Earlier

Making her way toward the parking lot, Buffy tried to let the cool morning air calm her nerves. It was still early and the soft grays and blues did little to relax her. Seeing the tour-bus in front of her, she approached it with a heavy heart.

Noticing his girlfriend’s arrival, Spike ran over to her, wrapping his arms around her waist when he reached her. Buffy giggled as he picked her up and spun her in a circle.

Setting her back on the ground after a few turns, Spike looked down at her with watery eyes before pressing his forehead against hers. “I’m holding you and I already miss you,” he whispered.

“I know how you feel.”

“And I’m gonna miss your birthday,” he added, looking at her in concern.

“Buy me something pretty,” she said with a watery smile.

“Anything and everything.”

Watching her laugh at his response, Spike felt the familiar pull on his heart. The one that told him he didn’t deserve her and he was lucky that no other man had stolen her away from him.

“I missed you last night,” she murmured, breaking into his thoughts.

“I know,” he said softly. “But I left packing till the last minute, you know that. And I think you know why,” he continued with a raised eyebrow.

“Yeah,” she whispered, a blush in her cheeks as she looked at the ground.

Hearing the horn of the bus, they both turned to stare at it before returning their eyes to each other.

“Buffy, I needed to tell you…” he paused, taking a deep breath. “I needed to tell you that…I’m so in love with you, I can’t think straight.”

Hearing the words that she had dreamed about so many times over the past year, a dazzling smile settled on her features. Wrapping her arms around his neck with fresh tears coming to her eyes, she held him tight, knowing it would be a long time before she could do it again.

“I love you, baby,” he whispered, his voice muffled against her shoulder. “I’m sorry it took me so long…”

“It’s okay,” she said with a slight sniffle, pulling away to look in his eyes. “It was worth the wait. And I love you, too…you know I do.”

Pressing his lips gently against hers, Spike tried to pour every emotion into the kiss before reluctantly pulling away. “Everything will be fine, Buffy,” he whispered, not waiting for a response as he slowly walked away, stepping on the bus.

Watching him disappear, Buffy turned away with a silent sob, covering her mouth with her hand as the tears began to fall.

“Hey, Summers!”

Taking a deep breath, she turned around to see Spike leaning halfway out of one of the windows.

“You’re one in a million!” he yelled, blowing her a kiss.

She laughed and waved at the group as the bus pulled away, leaving her standing in the middle of the parking lot, her arms wrapped around her body. Never noticing Giles walking over to stand next to her, she nearly jumped out of her skin when she heard his voice.

“How are you doing?” he asked gently.

Turning to face her surrogate father, Buffy sighed with relief when Giles hugged her. He had been nothing but supportive ever since he discovered that she was dating his son, stating more than once how he could see the two of them growing old together.

Pulling back to look at him with a miserable expression, Buffy tried to keep the pout from forming on her lip. “I miss him already.”

“I don’t doubt it. Would you care for a ride home?”

“Thanks, Giles.”






Thanks so much to: Stephanie, Caitie, Cordykitten, Sevvy_O, willowmouse, & gypsy_jin for reviewing!

Chapter 8 – What’s Worth Saving?


Present Day


Walking past the outdoor patio of Giles’ apartment complex the next day, Buffy took a deep breath as she approached the door.

“He’s not a part of your life anymore,” she whispered, trying to give herself a pep talk. “You won’t think about him, you won’t talk about it, you won’t even know he exists. You’ll just act like this is a normal day and have a nice lunch with Giles…even if Spike is coming home tonight. It doesn’t matter.”

After spending a long night trying to sort out her feelings…or more accurately, Spike’s feelings for her, she was no closer to feeling any sense of calm. And she was still no closer to sorting through her feelings.

Dressed in a pair of hip-hugging jeans and a black turtleneck sweater, Buffy had opted for casual clothes, hoping to finish up some Christmas shopping after lunch. Knocking on the door of his apartment, she took a deep breath and sighed as she turned around, looking at the Christmas decorations that adorned the exterior of the complex. Smiling as she ran a hand along the holly that decorated the railing of the stairs, she slowly turned around when the door opened behind her. The bright smile on her face slowly faded as her nervous system seemed to shut down.

“Buffy.”

Staring at the woman standing in front of him, Spike’s lips parted in confusion. This was not the Buffy he remembered. Her normally straight, golden hair was now a few inches longer and a darker shade of honey. It fell in waves around her shoulders and down her back. Gone was the soft roundness of her cheeks and body. She still had luscious curves in the appropriate places, but the weight loss was obvious. The same strawberry lip-gloss coated her lips, and he remembered the taste of it all too well, having to stop himself from closing the distance between them and kissing her as if the past five months never happened. Wearing no other make-up but a touch of mascara that brought out the green in her eyes, Spike continued to stare at her.

This was no longer the girl that he fell for all those years ago. This was a woman standing before him, and judging by the look in her eyes, a very jaded woman. Spike felt sadness fill him as he realized he was the one to cause that look.

“Y-you’re not supposed to be here,” she whispered, staring at him in disbelief, shaking her head slightly as she took a small step away from him.

“I drove home a little bit earlier, love,” he said softly.

Her face immediately hardened when he spoke. “Don’t,” she said through gritted teeth.

“Don’t what?” he asked in confusion.

“Don’t call me love. You don’t have that right…not anymore.”

“Buffy, please listen-”

“Listen?” she repeated in disbelief. “You expect me to listen to you?”

“I just needed to…explain. It was…it only happened twice, pet, and I-”

“I-I can’t…I can’t listen to this,” she said, turning and running down the steps.

Spike immediately took off after her. Reaching her at the archway, he grabbed her arm to stop her escape, spinning her around to face him.

Glaring at the stranger she saw before her, Buffy jerked her arm out of his grasp, taking a step away from him.

“Buffy, I just wanted to-”

“You apologize to me, I will beat you to death.”

The venom in her voice made Spike stare at her in shock. Deciding to try a different tactic, he took a deep breath, wanting to calm his nerves.

“Can we go somewhere and talk?” he whispered.

Seeing Giles appear over his shoulder, the older man gave her an apologetic look, silently conveying that he didn’t know his son was arriving early, before stepping back into the apartment.

Fighting the tears in her eyes, Buffy seemed to think about it for a moment before shaking her head. “No,” she whispered. “I-I can’t…it’s too soon and…I don’t know if I’m ready to listen to you yet.”

“What about tomorrow? Please, Buffy, I need to see you…I just need to be near you for a little while,” he advanced slowly on her as he spoke until he was lightly pressed against her. “I’ve missed you, baby.”

Closing her eyes when his lips moved toward hers, she snapped out of the trance she seemed to be in, jerking her body away from his. “No,” she said in a more forceful tone, blinking back the tears as she stepped away from him. “I can’t…I don’t care. I don’t care about what you think you need. Because what I need…is to get as far away from you as possible.”

Turning to leave for the second time, Buffy closed her eyes when she heard his tearful voice behind her.

“Please…Buffy, please don’t leave like this.”

Spinning around to face him, her face contorted with pain as she shook her head, unable to believe what she was hearing.

“Me?” she said in disbelief, hating the knotted feeling in her stomach. “I shouldn’t be the one to leave it like this? I wasn’t the one who created this situation, Spike. If it was up to me, I would have been in Los Angeles with you last night…and the night before that…and the entire month before and…you just threw it all away. You didn’t give a shit about me or my feelings, so why should I care if I leave it like this? Seems to me that walking away from you would be a good bookend to our relationship.”

Every part of her was determined to walk away…unfortunately, the sound of his voice caused her to stop.

“Relationship?” he whispered in a choked voice.

Closing her eyes when she realized what she said, Buffy slowly turned back to face him. “We don’t have a relationship,” she murmured, seeing the tears in his eyes. “I don’t know if we ever did.”

“We did,” he said softly, looking up at her. “You know we did…I made a mistake…nothing I can say or do will ever fix that…but I want to try.”

“You can’t,” she replied after a moment, shaking her head as if she was trying to convince herself. “Some things just aren’t worth saving.”

“But some things are,” Spike said, closing the distance between them, cringing when Buffy immediately stepped away from him.

“If you really believed that…we wouldn’t be in this situation right now.”

Feeling his heart ache as he watched her turn and walk away, Spike closed his eyes, knowing that he didn’t deserve a second chance but desperately wishing for one, even as her words continued to echo around him.

Some things just aren’t worth saving.







Thanks so much to: Caitie, Karyn, Sevvy_o, willowmouse, spikes slayer, gypsy_jin, BuffyandSpikeForever, Stephanie, & bleh for reviewing!

Chapter 9 – Can We Talk?


Walking into the Bronze the next night, Spike felt the nostalgia and anxiety wash over him. Running a hand over his face as he looked around the darkened interior, he tried to stop the memories from overwhelming him. Glancing up at the balcony, he briefly closed his eyes, trying not to think of the nights that he and Buffy had danced with each other, secluded in the shadows, wrapped in each other’s arms.

“You okay?” Angel asked, clapping his friend on the back to snap him out of the trance he seemed to be in.

“Uhh…yeah…yeah, I’m fine.”

“Seems like you’re in another world.”

“Wish I was,” Spike muttered, following his friend through the club.

“Hey, guys,” Angel said with a nod, sitting down at the familiar table with Oz and Willow.

Seeing the redhead look at him and quickly look away, Spike clenched his jaw, wishing, yet again, that he hadn’t made such a stupid decision that splintered him from his friends.

“Xander not here?” Angel asked, looking around at the dancing couples.

“He and Anya are on the dance floor,” Willow said softly, obviously uncomfortable with how to act around Spike. This was a man who used to be her friend but broke her best friend’s heart. She couldn’t help but resent him for that.

“Guessing they didn’t want to see me,” Spike muttered, looking at the floor.

“It was a factor,” Oz replied, feeling bad for his friend.

“Might as well make it easier on them,” he said, turning to walk to the bar.

“Things aren’t going to be the same, are they?” Willow asked softly, looking at the two men who remained.

“Not unless Buffy forgives him,” Oz said, exchanging a look with Angel. Just because they hated what Spike did didn’t mean they would condemn him for it.

“Even if she does, Xander can hold a grudge longer than anyone I know,” Willow said with a heavy sigh, looking over at Spike as he sat at the end of the bar by himself. Her eyes widened when she saw Buffy walk into the club, her eyes immediately gravitating toward her ex-boyfriend before she shook her head and made her way over to the table.

“Hi!” she said in a chipper voice, obviously compensating for whatever she was feeling.

“Buffy!”

Turning at the sound of her name, she smiled when she saw Angel stand up to lift her into a hug, spinning them slightly before setting her back on the ground.

“Missed you,” he said, planting a friendly kiss on her cheek. Buffy could see Spike glowering at them out of the corner of her eye but chose to ignore it.

“I’m glad you’re home,” she said with a soft smile, walking around the table to offer Oz a hug.

“Hope you’re not all out of those.”

Turning at the voice behind her, Buffy gave Gunn a bright smile when she saw him, one arm securely wrapped around Fred.

“Always room for another hug,” Buffy said with a genuine smile, briefly hugging her friend before pulling back to look around the table.

“Um…Buffy,” Willow said softly, gesturing toward Spike as he sat at the end of the bar, staring into his glass.

Part of her wanted to let him suffer. She wanted him to feel a fraction of the pain he had caused her, but the larger part told her that she didn’t have the heart to do that. She never would. But that didn’t mean she had to go out of her way to be nice to him.

Not bothering to excuse herself from her friends who were lost in their own conversations, she slowly walked toward the bar, taking a deep breath and crossing her arms over her chest in a defensive maneuver as she approached.

“What are you doing here?” she asked in a cold voice, tilting her head to look at him.

“Avoiding you, apparently,” he replied in a soft voice.

“Well, you’re not doing a very good job of it.”

“Maybe you’re right,” he said, throwing some money on the bar before turning to stand, bringing him face to face with the woman he loved. “I’ll just be off, then.”

“Where do you get off acting like this?”

“Like what?” he asked in exasperation, trying to cover up the pain he was feeling at being so close to her and not being able to have her.

“Like you…” don’t care about me “…don’t care about anything.”

“I care,” he said, his voice dropping so low, Buffy could barely hear him as the pounding music almost drowned him out. “I know you don’t believe me…but it’s the truth.”

“I never wanted this, you know,” Buffy said, looking at the floor as the all too familiar tears began to pool in her eyes. “I wanted you to come home and everything could be the way it was. I never wanted this.”

Unable to respond, Spike just nodded, knowing that anything he said would be thrown back in his face.

“I’ll just go,” he said, gesturing toward the back door of the club before looking at the table where his friends and former friends sat, each talking and pretending not to notice the former golden couple that was standing next to the bar. “Give my best or whatever…have fun.”

“No,” Buffy said, taking a deep breath as she shook her head. “You stay…can’t say I’m in much of a partying mood right now, anyway.”

Turning to walk toward the door, Buffy shuddered when she felt Spike’s hand on her arm, hating herself for the automatic reaction of her heart speeding up. Feeling short of breath, she stepped away, needing the distance from him.

“What?” she asked, not bothering to look up at him.

“Can we talk?”

“We are talking,” Buffy said, looking around the club to keep her eyes from her hottie of an ex-boyfriend. Noticing the looks that were being cast their way by the available and not-so-available females in the club, she felt the familiar sickening feeling spread through her stomach. “And if you want me to forgive you…don’t hold your breath.”

“Not asking for forgiveness,” he said softly. “Just want to talk, Buffy. I know you don’t owe me anything, but that doesn’t mean I don’t owe you anything.”

Finally turning to look up at him, Buffy was mildly surprised when she saw his watery eyes. Opening her mouth to respond, she nearly jumped out of her skin when a voice interrupted her.

“Yeah, I’d say you owe her more than you could ever give her.”

Closing her eyes, Buffy shook her head to stop herself from spinning around and confronting the man behind her.

“Xander, I can handle this.”

“But you know what I don’t understand?” Xander continued, advancing on Spike, ignoring Buffy. “How you can possibly confess your undying love for a woman like Buffy and then go screw a two-bit whore? You don’t even deserve to be talking to her right now.”

Clenching her jaw in frustration, Buffy resisted the urge to walk away from the conversation, knowing that emotions were running too high for her to do that.

“Go away, Xander,” she said, seeing Anya walk toward them. “This is my life. I have the right to talk to whoever I want.”

Seeing the look of disbelief cross Xander’s face as Anya dragged him back to their table, Buffy tried to stop the pain in her chest, resisting the urge to bring her hand up to her heart and attempt to stop the pressure.

Casting a look in Spike’s direction, she made her way to the back door, quickly pushing it open in the hopes to get control over her emotions as the fresh air hit her face. Buffy nearly jumped out of her skin when she felt a hand on her arm. Spinning around, she looked at Spike in disbelief.

“Do you not understand that when a person walks away it’s usually because she doesn’t want to see you?”

“Please, Buffy,” he whispered. “Just talk to me.”

Nervously running a hand through her hair, she avoided his eyes as she nodded. “Okay,” she whispered. “The park…tomorrow at five. You’re one minute late and I’m leaving. I’m not going to bother waiting around for you.” Not waiting to see his reaction, Buffy quickly turned away so she wouldn’t be able to give in to temptation. With a fast pace to her step, she made her way out of his sight.





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Chapter 10 – Wavering Resolve


Standing in the middle of her bedroom the next afternoon, Buffy clutched at her towel as she examined every item in her closet.

“This is ridiculous,” she said to herself, nearly rolling her eyes. “Why are you putting so much thought into this?”

“Maybe because you’re still in love with him,” said a voice from the door.

Turning to see her little sister leaning against the frame, she resisted the urge to correct the young woman.

“Dawnie, I’m glad you’re here. Pick out something for me,” she said, waving her hand at the discarded clothes as she walked past her sister toward the bathroom.

“Seriously?” she asked incredulously, unable to believe that her older sister would not only let her in her closet, but also let her pick out her clothes.

“Yep, I’m putting too much thought into it, and I’m going to be running late at the pace I’m going. I trust you,” Buffy said, closing the bathroom door behind her.

Quickly blow-drying her straight hair until it fell halfway down her back in a silky curtain, Buffy ran a brush through it before putting on a little bit of make-up. A few minutes later she stared at her reflection in the mirror and gave herself a little smile. Shaking her head when she realized what she was doing, she took a deep breath. “You’re not trying to impress him, you’re not trying to get back together with him…you’re trying to move on. Remember that.”

Returning to her bedroom, she saw Dawn standing in the middle of the floor holding a white sweater and a pair of pale gray dress pants that flared out slightly at the leg.

“That’s great. Thanks, Dawnie.”

Hurriedly pulling on the clothes, Buffy grabbed some small silver hoop earrings and put them on as Dawn handed her the shoes that would best compliment the outfit. Slipping them on, she quickly kissed her sister on the cheek and checked her watch.

“Time to go,” she muttered, taking a deep breath.

“Good luck,” Dawn said, offering her sister a soft smile.

Returning the smile, Buffy took a deep breath as she tried to calm her nerves. “Thanks.”

* * * * *

Sitting on the park bench, nervously wringing his hands together, Spike could see her approaching long before she saw him. Nervously wiping his palms on the denim material of his jeans, he stood up when she got closer, finding himself once again mesmerized with how beautiful she was. He felt like he was seeing her for the first time…again.

“Hello, Buffy,” he said softly, shoving his hands in his pockets as he walked over to meet her.

“Spike,” she replied in a cold tone. “So…what did you want to talk about?”

‘Quick and to the point,’ he thought, knowing that he didn’t deserve anything more than that.

“I, uh, I wanted to ask you something.”

“So ask,” she said, crossing her arms over her chest.

Taking a deep breath, Spike tried to steady his nervous heartbeat as he mentally prepared for the rejection. “I want us to start over.”

Her lips parted in shock as she stared at him with wide eyes.

‘What am I supposed to say to that?’ she asked herself, unable to believe that he had the nerve to actually ask her that.

Before she had a chance to respond, Spike was continuing, “I’ve changed, Buffy. I know the pain I’ve caused you and-”

“NO!” she yelled, snapping out of her shock and stepping away from him, needing the distance between them. “No, Spike! You don’t know,” she continued, trying not to cry as she shook her head. “You have no idea the pain that you’ve caused me. You don’t know about the nights I cried myself to sleep. You don’t know about how I tried to alienate all of my friends so they couldn’t see how miserable I really was and pity me. And you really don’t know about my mom threatening to put me in a clinic unless I started eating again. So do me a favor, Spike, and don’t tell me that you know.”

By the time she finished, Buffy felt her voice cracking with the emotion. Staring at Spike for a long moment as tears streamed down his face, she refused to be affected by the show of emotion. Turning her back on him to leave, she desperately wished she could put everything behind her as easily.

“Buffy, no,” he said, grabbing her sleeve, spinning her around to face him. “Please, don’t leave, baby…please!” Dropping to his knees, Spike buried his face in her stomach, wrapping his arms around her waist as his shoulders shook with the force of his tears. “I’m sorry,” he said in a choked voice. “I’m so, so sorry. I don’t deserve to even be this close to you, but please, just don’t leave.”

Feeling her chin begin to tremble as tears came to her eyes, she quickly closed them, trying to fight the emotions that were swirling around inside of her. Her fingers, of their own volition, twined themselves in his hair, only causing her tears to intensify when she heard his softly spoken words.

“I love you. God, Buffy, I love you so much. I hurt you and you’re the only woman I’ve ever loved. I’m a bloody git for not realizing it then, but please…I know, now. I know what I did and I hurt you…I hurt the girl…”

He trailed off in a sob, still clutching her in his strong grasp, nearly crushing her with his unrelenting hold.

“Yeah,” Buffy replied, trying to keep her voice even as she forced her anger to the surface, letting her hands abandon his hair. “You know what? You did. And I never…out of everyone I know…out of everyone I love, I never would have thought you would be the one who would hurt me.”

Extracting herself from his arms, she stepped away as Spike pushed himself to his feet.

“I know,” he whispered, slowly moving to close the distance between them again, stopping when she continued to back away from him. “I know and I’m…I don’t know what to say.”

“This isn’t a way for us to get back together,” she said, shaking her head to confirm what she was feeling. “I don’t even know if this is a way for us to be friends…friends don’t hurt each other.”

Reaching out to her, he gently touched her face, running his fingers through her hair as if he was afraid she wasn’t real.

Taking a deep breath, she closed her eyes as the familiarity washed over her. “I can’t offer you anything,” she said in a shaky voice.

Staring at her for a minute, he slowly nodded. “Don’t want to push you,” he said softly. “I just want to be close to you again. I know I screwed up, inexcusably, but…I need you. I know that now. I just need something…a crumb…something to know that you might be able to trust me again.”

“Spike,” she whispered, shaking her head as she stepped away, breaking all contact with him.

“Please, Buffy.”

Looking down at the ground for a long moment, she slowly raised her eyes to look into his. “Trust is something that’s earned…if you can earn that, then…maybe…someday.”

Seeing his shoulders sag in relief, she tensed when he took a step forward, closing her eyes when she felt his lips tenderly brush along her forehead, leaving them both aching for more.

“I’ll earn it,” he whispered, gently cupping her face in his hands. “You’ll see. I can be the man you need me to be.”

“I needed you to be that man five months ago, Spike,” she murmured, feeling the familiar churning in her stomach- she hated that feeling. “If you had realized then what you know now…we never would be standing here.”

“I know,” he replied, pulling away from her with a nod. “And I’m not asking you to forgive me.”

“Why not?” she asked softly, one eyebrow raised in question as he looked at her.

“Because I have to forgive myself before I can ask your forgiveness.”

“You may never get it.”

“It’s what I deserve,” he said, his voice barely more than a whisper as he looked at the ground.

“I don’t know what you deserve,” Buffy murmured, unable to look at him without feeling choked up. “I know that you were an insensitive asshole who cared more about himself than…the people who loved him.”

“That’s how you see me?” he asked, looking up at her with sad eyes.

“That’s how I saw you,” she said softly, meeting his level gaze with her own. “I don’t know what I see now. I guess that’s up to you…what do you want me to see?”

“A man who loves you.”

Feeling her chin tremble, she looked at the ground, slowly backing up, needing to get away from him before she broke down and told him exactly what she still felt for him. Taking a deep breath as she looked into his eyes, her stomach clenched when she saw the hopeful expression on his handsome face. “Then prove it.”




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Chapter 11 – For Always


Standing on the Summers’ porch a few days later, Spike hesitantly rang the doorbell. He had tried to keep his distance from Buffy, knowing she would want some time to herself, and he’d had been mildly successful. Only running into her at the grocery store and exchanging mild pleasantries, he tried to give her some space, not wanting to overcrowd her.

Now, as he stood staring at the door, he was overwhelmed with a slight sense of panic at the idea of seeing her. In a few days, it would be Christmas Eve, and Spike and his father would be attending the party at the O’Shea mansion. Joyce and Dawn would also be there. Not wanting it to be as awkward, Spike decided to stop by and see the two Summers’ women before that night, hoping to get through the agonizing discomfort at facing them for the first time. And if he got to see Buffy, well, that would just be a bonus.

Taking a step away from the door to wait, he offered a nervous smile when it opened to reveal the impassive face of Dawn Summers.

“Hello, Niblet,” he said with a slight nod.

“Spike.”

“Look, I know you probably hate me, and I can't say I blame you, but-”

“I don't hate you,” she said, shaking her head. “I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm not crazy about you right now, but Buffy hasn’t said anything about hating you…lately. So, I guess that doesn't give the rest of us the right to, either.”

“Thank you.”

Opening the door a little more to allow him in, Dawn slowly shut it behind him. Looking around the unchanged house, Spike turned in the direction of the dining room to see Joyce Summers walking out of the kitchen. She stopped upon seeing him before slowly walking toward him, wiping her hands on a towel.

“Hello, Spike.”

“Joyce,” he said softly with a quiet nod. “Thought I'd stop by and get over the formalities of being back in town before we all eat together.”

“Why don't you come in and sit down?”

Following Joyce into the living room, Spike sat down on the couch with a heavy sigh while the older woman sat in the chair next to the fireplace. Seeing Dawn hovering near the doorway, Joyce raised an eyebrow until her daughter was out of sight, but no doubt, still in earshot.

Leaning forward and uncomfortable resting his elbows on his knees, he opened his mouth to speak, only to have Joyce cut him off before he got a chance to say anything.

“You probably think I hate you.”

“The thought crossed my mind,” he said with a nod.

Staying quiet for a long moment, Joyce stared at the man she once believed would be her son-in-law one day, trying to see who he really was beneath all of the nervousness that he was showcasing today.

“Spike, I was married to a man who cheated on me for years. I have an idea of what Buffy is going through and I can tell you that her pain will never go away. I know that you believed you loved my daughter, and judging from what your father has told me, you are very remorseful about causing her any pain.”

“Love,” he whispered.

“Excuse me?” Joyce replied, watching as he raised his eyes to hers.

“Love your daughter. Not past tense. I’m still very much in love with her.”

“Very well,” she said with a nod. “Whatever you may hope or think, I’m not going to help you get her back because, frankly, that's a matter between you and Buffy. But I won’t ban you from this house either. Unless that’s what Buffy wants.”

“Thank you, Joyce,” Spike said with a slight sigh of relief.

“Understand, Spike, that I’m going to do what’s in my daughter’s best interest. If she believes that giving you a second chance would do her some good, then I won’t argue. If she wants you completely out of her life, then you are no longer welcome here. And if you do happen to get a second chance…don’t mess up. Because it’s just not worth it. Let her go now, if you don’t think you can be faithful in the future.”

“I can,” Spike insisted, opening his mouth to say more at the exact moment that the doorbell rang. Hearing the pounding of feet on the stairs, Spike stood up as Buffy's figure came into his line of vision.

“Bye, mom, I'll be back in the- Spike!” she yelped when she saw him standing there.

“Hello, Buffy,” he said softly, shoving his hands in his pockets as he nervously stood there, letting her scrutinizing gaze wash over him.

“Wh-what're you doing here?” she asked, her eyes nervously darting to the door.

“Dropped by to see your mum and little sis. I was actually about to head out.”

“Oh.”

“Buffy, I think you need to answer the door,” Joyce said, standing behind Spike.

Watching as Buffy nodded anxiously and walked over to open it, Spike frowned at the rigid stance of her shoulders, before she opened the door.

“Hey, Buff! You all set to head out for a night on the town?”

Feeling his blood run cold at the sound of a male voice, Spike stepped into the entryway to see who it belonged to. Seeing the man who was over six feet tall with sandy blonde hair, he immediately narrowed his eyes, feeling threatened by the fact that another man could be trying to take what was his.

‘Not yours,’ he reminded himself, trying not to look at the couple standing next to the door. ‘Not anymore. She doesn’t belong to you.’

“Um...yeah, Riley…almost. Can you do me a favor and take this out to the car?"

“Sure thing.”

Noticing for the first time, that Buffy was carrying an overnight bag as she handed it to Riley, Spike felt a violent churning in his stomach, desperately wishing for a cigarette as he watched her close the door.

Turning to face him, Buffy noticed that her mother and sister had vacated the area, giving them a modicum of privacy.

“Who is he?” Spike asked softly, trying to keep the jealous tone out of his voice.

“Just a guy I know,” she said with a slight shrug, unable to look at him as she tried to control her pounding pulse. “He wanted me to go to Los Angeles with him for the night."

Feeling his heart drop into his stomach at the idea of her spending the night in a hotel room with that man, Spike reached out to grip the doorframe in a crushing hold.

“Are you seeing him?”

Buffy took a deep breath before nodding.

“Yeah,” she murmured. “I am. It's not serious…not that I owe you an explanation, but I can tell this is hurting you. We’ve only been out a few times.”

“Have you slept with him?” he asked in a soft voice, raising his eyes to hers.

“Not yet,” she said with an angry edge to her voice that caused his stomach to tighten.

“Yet?”

“Spike, give it a rest, okay? You're not my brother, or my father, or my lover, so I don't need to answer to you.”

Turning and yelling a good-bye into the kitchen, Buffy started for the door and suddenly felt herself pinned against it. Turning around, she felt Spike's body softly pressing against her own, having to fight the natural pull that she felt when he was standing so close. Looking up into his eyes, her breathing escalated when she saw how close his lips were to hers- wanting nothing more than the chance to feel them again.

“Don’t do this, Buffy,” he whispered in a pleading tone. “Remember how good it used to be?”

“Before you screwed up?” she replied, arching an eyebrow in response.

“Please, remember,” he murmured, lowering his lips until they were gently brushing against her hair, threading his fingers through the silky strands and pressing his forehead to hers. “Nobody can make you feel what I can do to you, just like nobody can even come close to what you do to me.”

“Is that in love or hate?” she asked, her voice coming out in a breathy whisper.

Gently brushing his lips against hers, each felt alive for the first time in a year as a jolt seemed to pass through them from the simple acts of their lips moving against each other. Closing his eyes in contentment for a brief moment, Spike tightened his hands in her hair, eagerly holding her against him. This was what had been missing from his life. He'd known it all along, but he'd tried to suppress it.

Letting his hands slowly drop from her hair as his lips continued their tender caress over hers, they slowly wandered down her body, roaming over the curve of her hips to settle against the small of her back. Pulling her closer, he tried to resist the urge to push his painful erection against her, not wanting to push her too hard, too fast.

Finding her hands going up to thread through his hair, Buffy couldn’t help the natural response of pushing herself against his covered erection, thrilled when she felt the evidence of his desire for her. Suppressing the moan of delight at the feel of him against her, the two slowly moved together as Spike pushed her more forcefully against the door. Deepening the kiss, each tried to get as close as possible, causing Buffy to moan when his tongue slipped into her mouth to intertwine with hers. Feeling Spike wind his free hand through her hair and pull her closer to him, not wanting to let go, she felt a feminine thrill rush through her.

Slowly, their lips separated from each other, as the need for air became more apparent. Knowing that whatever spell they must be under wouldn't last much longer, he gently held her body against his for just a few more moments.

Coming back to her senses, Buffy softly pushed against his chest to remove herself from the embrace.

“I have to go,” she whispered, snapping out of the trance she felt like she was in.

“Buffy-”

“Spike, I'm not ready. It's too soon and there…there's still too much to work through. I don’t even know if there’s anything that we should work through…this was probably just a mistake.”

“Don’t say that,” he said, shaking his head. “It wasn’t a mistake, it was us. Remember us. Remember how it used to be.”

“Before you…”

Trailing off in a choked voice, Spike nodded. “Before I fucked up…but I promise-”

“I need to go,” she said, cutting him off as she shook her head.

Slowly nodding, Spike raised his eyes to hers, silently pleading with her before voicing his thought. “Just please don't…”

Swallowing her emotions, Buffy slowly reached out, silencing his worries as she tenderly caressed his cheek, reveling in the simple feel of doing something so innocent and having it feel like the first time. Turning toward the door, she stopped when she heard his soft voice behind her.

“You're still my girl,” he whispered, looking at her through watery eyes when she turned around to face him with a sad smile on her lips.

“Always.”




Thanks so much to: BuffyandSpikeForever, Sevvy_O, gypsy_jin, willowmouse, Cordykitten, Caitie, Alison, Karyn, lacey, spikette55, txjmfan, Aseret, & Slayer rock chick for reviewing!

Chapter 12 – Being There


Quietly staring out the window as Riley’s car sped along the interstate, she had barely said two words to him since they started for Los Angeles, and she felt guilty. She felt guilty for the look of hurt in Spike’s eyes, and she felt guilty for knowing that she accepted this date with Riley and nothing would come of it.

Maybe if it was before Spike had come home, she would have been able to see Riley as more of a boyfriend and move on with her life, but she couldn’t now.

The kiss still echoed through her mind. She could still feel his lips pressed against hers. Still smell the traces of cologne and tobacco that clung to him. Most of all, she felt the passion that he had ignited that had stayed buried for so long. If she really wanted to get even with him, she would use that passion against him and sleep with Riley that night…but she couldn’t. She couldn’t use Riley that way, and she couldn’t put Spike through the amount of pain that she had been dealing with for the past few months. She also knew it wouldn’t make her feel any better.

Seeing the lights of the city in the distance, Buffy jumped when Riley cleared his throat, snapping her out of her thoughts.

“Are you okay?”

Looking over at him in surprise, she tried to paste a smile on her face. “I’m fine.”

“You just seem a little bit…tense, I guess.”

“Riley, I’m sorry. I know this can’t be very fun for you. I’ve just got a lot on my mind right now.”

“Well, we’re almost there. Maybe I’ll be able to get your mind off of whatever it is,” he said, turning to smile at her.

Offering him a slight grin in return, Buffy took a deep breath and let it out slowly as she turned her attention back to the window.

* * * * *

Sitting in his father’s home, nursing a beer, Spike stared sightlessly out of the window, staring in the direction of the moon. Hearing the click of the lock as his father walked in, he didn’t bother moving as the light flooded through the room.

“William? What are doing, sitting in the dark, son?”

“She’s gone, dad,” he said in a raspy voice, never taking his eyes off the window.

“I know it feels that way now,” Giles said with a sigh. “But you can’t give up hope.”

“No, dad…I mean she’s really gone. She left for L. A. tonight…with another man.” Finally tearing his gaze away from the window, he turned his blood-shot eyes to watch his father drop into a nearby chair.

“Oh, dear,” Giles murmured, quickly whipping off his glasses to polish them.

Spike managed a small smile as he looked down at the beer bottle in his hand. “I said a little more than that.”

“When does she return?”

“Tomorrow, I think.”

“An overnight trip,” Giles murmured, frowning in disbelief. It didn’t sound like the Buffy he knew. “She still loves you, son,” he said after a moment.

“How do you know?” he asked disbelievingly.

“Because love is not an emotion you can turn on and off. You can forget about it for brief amounts of time, and it can get weak or strong as time goes by, but you can never just shut it off. It’s always there…it’s always with you.”

“She can move on, though,” Spike said, looking into his beer bottle. “She can think she loves me and still move on…like she’s doing.”

“Yes, she can, but I know for a fact that she still loves you…and that the emotion is still very strong.”

“She told you?”

“She told me.”

Spike felt tears of happiness flood his eyes and cursed himself for acting like such a ponce, looking away from his father so he wouldn’t see his watery gaze.

“I want her back, dad,” he whispered.

“I know you do. She wants you back, too. However, she’s a young woman who’s been burned by the man she trusted. And I’m not saying that to lecture or scold you- it’s just a simple fact. She was a girl who, when you went away, sent all of her hope and love with you, and what she got in
return forced her to grow up rather swiftly. Now, what you need to do is decide whether you can do justice to the woman who is here now, or whether you want to let her go. Don’t hold on to what you feel for her just because she feels like your possession.”

“I want her, dad. I know I can be better. It was just all too much, too fast, and I cracked. I never meant to hurt her that way, and if I had it all to do over again, there’s no way I would. I just wish she was here with me, the way it was. You know, I didn’t even get mad at Oz for spilling it to Willow. I knew I got what I deserved, and he was just protecting his friend.”

“You’re growing, son. Now, what are you going to do to get this girl back?”

* * * * *

Walking through her front door the next day with a heavy sigh, Buffy stretched the tired muscles in her arms.

It was definitely not the fun-filled trip she had been hoping for. Buffy felt emotionally drained after the long night. She had just spent the last twenty minutes sitting in his car, out in the driveway, explaining to him why they couldn’t be involved. It didn’t make her feel better that Riley’s position never wavered from telling her that she was The One. She didn’t want to be the one. She didn’t even want to be in the same vicinity of being the one. Not for him…maybe not for anyone.

Throwing her bag down next to the entryway table, she slowly headed toward the voices in the kitchen. Walking into the room, she stood frozen in the doorway when she saw Spike sitting on the counter, talking and laughing with her mother and sister. Her shoulders straightened when he looked up to see her, his smile fading as he looked at her, taking in her tired eyes and exhausted appearance.

“Hey, guys,” she said softly when the women in the room didn’t acknowledge her arrival. “Whatcha doin’?”

“Oh, nothing, honey. Spike here was just amusing an old woman by listening to her stories of the gallery’s clients,” Joyce said, still smiling from the earlier story.

Buffy and Spike’s eyes stayed riveted to each other before Buffy slowly nodded. “Well, that’s…nice. I, uh, I think I’m going to run up and get a shower and a nap. It’s been a long day.”

“Okay, honey.”

“Actually, Buffy,” Spike spoke up as she turned to leave the room, causing her shoulders to go rigid as she slowly turned to face him again.

“Yeah?” she murmured, biting her lip while she waited for him to respond.

“Can I talk to you for just a second?”

Looking at him for a long moment, Buffy took a deep breath as she nodded. “Sure.”

Following her into the living room where they stood facing each other, Spike watched as she self-consciously crossed her arms over her chest, looking at the floor. Judging by her posture, she no doubt was thinking about the kiss they had shared the night before.

“How was your night?”

“It was…great,” Buffy lied with a bright smile. “Dinner, dancing, and a Broadway play…a wonderful night.”

Feeling the ache in his stomach intensify, Spike took a deep breath. “So,” he said, drawing out the word as he looked at the floor. “Captain Cardboard didn’t turn out to be as mind-numbingly dull as I expected, then?”

“Riley? No, he’s a…he’s a perfect gentleman,” she replied with a fake smile.

“Aaah, so he did turn out to be mind-numbingly dull, huh?”

“Spike,” she said in a warning tone.

“Sorry, love,” he said with a soft smile, masking the hurt and panic he was feeling. “I just thought I’d ask if you wanted to go out to dinner tonight.”

“Dinner?” she repeated in a panicked voice. “Um…no…no, I don’t think so.”

Feeling her heart cracking as he looked at the floor and nodded, a dejected expression on his face, Buffy tightened her lips to keep from blurting out that she’d love to go with him.

“There’s still just…there’s a lot to work through…and I’m seeing someone,” she added quickly, raising her eyebrows as if she was going to prove her point, gesturing toward the door.

“Right,” he muttered. “So, is this someone your boyfriend now?”

“No,” she murmured, looking down as her cheery disposition evaporated. “I don’t use that word lightly…not anymore. I should go,” she said, turning toward the stairs, stopping when she felt his hand on her arm.

“We kissed, Buffy,” he said softly, watching as she slowly turned to look at him.

“You’ve never had something physical with someone- no strings attached?” she asked, clenching her jaw when she saw the pained expression cross his face.

“That’s not what we have,” he whispered. “That’s never been what we had.”

“But that’s what you want?” she said, letting her voice drop to a seductive whisper, closing the distance between them and running her hands along his chest. “Isn’t it what you want, Spike?” she whispered, parting her lips as she looked up at him with wide eyes.

Noticing his erratic breathing, Buffy let her hands trail along his chest, moving higher until she reached his neck, slowly pulling him down toward her. Feeling his hands grip her waist, she pressed her body against his, biting her lip to give her a more innocent appearance.

“You never answered me,” she whispered, her lips barely brushing against his. “Is it what you want?”

‘What was the bloody question?’ Spike wondered, trying to ignore his body’s reaction to her as he briefly closed his eyes. ‘I want her…only her.’

“God, yes,” he murmured, tightening his grip on her waist as she tilted her head even more before abruptly pulling away.

Seeing the familiar expression on her face, Spike’s brows furrowed as he looked at her. “Sorry, Spike…you ruined that chance.”

Pulling away from him, Buffy began to walk toward the stairs, stopping when she heard his strained voice behind her.

“You said you were my girl. ‘Always’ – you remember that? You said it- I didn’t force it out of you.”

“No, you didn’t,” she murmured, turning to face him. “And a part of me will always be yours…but only a part, Spike. Only the naïve little girl who fell in love. I’m not that little girl anymore.”

“You’re lying,” he said in a menacing whisper. “I know you, Buffy. I know you as well as you know yourself, and you’re lying.”

“You know me,” she agreed with a nod. “But I know you, too.”

“I’ve changed, love,” he insisted, his eyes pleading with her to believe him.

“I want to believe you…I do…but you haven’t shown me anything to make me believe you. You just show up and kiss me and show up again and want to go out and…I’m beginning to think it’s a game. I’m the one that got away…I’m the conquest. Is that all I am, Spike?”

Unable to verbally disagree, Spike weakly shook his head, feeling despair seeping through him.

“I’m not playing this game,” she whispered, trying to control the unshed tears in her eyes.

“Not a game,” Spike said in a choked voice, looking at the floor as he shook his head. “I love you…I love you…I just want you back.”

“I’m not a prize,” she said softly, shaking her head to prove her point. “I’m not something that you can just use whenever you want.”

“I know,” he whispered, nodding as he met her gaze before walking toward the door. Turning to face her as he reached for the doorknob, Spike took a deep breath. “You have no reason to trust me…but I would do anything for you, Buffy. And I’ll be here. No matter what…I’ll be here for you.”

Casting her eyes downward, Buffy slowly nodded, taking a deep breath to regulate her breathing. “You'll be here…I know. I believe you when you say you'll try. But you'll also be here reminding me everyday of what you did…I don’t know if I can live with that.”




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Chapter 13 – Movie Night


Putting the finishing touches on her make-up the next night, Buffy stared at her reflection, turning from side to side as she made sure she looked alright.

Wanting to feel good about herself, Buffy had decided to dress up, spending the night by herself. Wearing a black shirt with a deep V-neck and a pair of stylish black pants, along with her favorite black shoes, she adjusted the silver Y-shaped necklace that adorned her neck. Adding the finishing touch with large, silver hoop earrings, she fluffed her hair, deciding that she wouldn’t straighten it tonight- the natural curl gave it a little more body.

Giving the mirror one final glance, she realized she was a little dressier than she was aiming for but quickly shrugged her shoulders, leaving the bathroom and heading downstairs. Glancing at the clock, she quickly kissed her mother goodbye and headed out the door, not wanting to be late for the movie.

“Buffy,” Joyce called after her. “Are you sure you don’t want one of us to go with you?”

“I’ll be fine, Mom,” she replied with a smile. “I need a night to myself.”

“Okay,” her mother said with a worried expression. “If you’re sure.”

“I am,” she said with a slight smile, walking out the door.

Breathing in the fresh air as she made the slow walk toward the movie theater, Buffy let her mind wander. She couldn’t get Spike’s pleading gaze out of her mind, and it filled her with a constant ache.

Wrapping her arms around her body, she bit her lip, remembering his words to her.

”You have no reason to trust me…but I would do anything for you, Buffy. And I’ll be here. No matter what…I’ll be here for you.”

But the question was- did she want him here?

“Yes,” she whispered to herself, fighting the tears in her eyes. “God, yes, that’s all I’ve ever wanted.”

Sitting down on a nearby bench, Buffy fought the tears in her eyes as she took in deep breaths. She wanted to know Spike changed. She wanted to know it and believe it…but she couldn’t.

Glancing at her watch, Buffy dried her eyes of the few tears that had slipped free and prepared herself for the short walk to the theater.

“Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea,” she whispered to herself, approaching the busier part of the town.

Seeing the movie theater in the distance, she took a deep breath. This was supposed to be something that she was able to do for herself. Something to prove that she could be alone and not have to worry about having a man by her side at all times, and she could still be happy. But she couldn’t be happy. She missed him too much.

“You can do this,” she murmured. “You can rely on yourself, for a change.”

Nervously tucking a lock of hair behind her ear, Buffy stepped up to the box office and quickly bought a ticket for the only comedy that was showing at the small theater. She needed the laughs tonight.

Giving the usher a small smile as he opened the door for her, Buffy walked into the lobby, looking around with a heavy sigh.

‘Maybe you should have asked Dawnie to come along…you’ve made an appearance- you know that you came here and bought the ticket…that’s enough.’

Turning to leave, Buffy gasped when she saw Spike walking through the door, dressed in a pair of khaki pants, a blue button-down shirt, and a brown leather coat. Quickly catching herself before her mouth dropped open, Buffy’s expression hardened when he looked up to meet her gaze.

Shoving his hands in his pockets, Spike nervously bit his lower lip, looking down at the ground as he approached her.

“Hello, Buffy,” he said softly, looking up at her with a shy expression that she used to find so endearing…and it still melted her heart. The hope in his eyes wasn’t lost on her, and she quickly looked away.

Opening her mouth to respond, Buffy nearly jumped when she heard the shrill voice that grated on her ears.

“Spike? Oh my God, Spikey? You’re home!”

Rolling her eyes when Harmony Kendall practically threw herself at Spike, Buffy crossed her arms over her chest, suddenly feeling self-conscious. She knew that Harmony always had a thing for Spike, but now that old, familiar, nagging doubt was making itself known- what if it had turned into something more? What if he had been cheating on her long before she actually found out about it?

Hating the familiarity that she associated with her stomach flipping, Buffy turned away from the sight of the little leech attaching herself to Spike, quickly walking toward the hallway where her movie was playing. She wasn’t sure whether she would actually go to the movie or bypass it for the emergency exit, which was looking more appealing.

“It’s amazing that I don’t have a freaking ulcer,” she muttered to herself, barely looking at the door to the theater as she continued toward the end of the hall and the exit to her freedom.

“Buffy!”

“God, why tonight?” she asked, looking up at the ceiling. Continuing her walk toward the door, she gritted her teeth when he spun her around, still holding onto her arm when she stopped to face him. “What?” she asked in irritation.

“That was nothing,” he said, gesturing toward the lobby.

“Yeah, I can see that,” Buffy replied in a harsh tone, jerking her arm out of his grasp. “The blonde who was throwing herself at you made it really look like nothing. It proves just how much you’ve changed,” she continued sarcastically. “What is this, Spike? A date night?”

“No,” he said quickly, shaking his head.

“Then…what?” she asked, stepping back to look at him. “The different clothes, the sudden appearance at a movie theater with Harmony, of all people? Has this been how it was all along? When we were dating, did you drop me off at home and then go searching for-”

“No,” he interrupted, his voice carrying through the building. “I’m not here with Harmony, and I never…not here,” he whispered in a choked voice, looking down at the ground. “I’m only here because I knew you would be here.”

“You knew I’d…Dawn,” Buffy said in understanding, sparks practically flashing in her eyes when she realized her sister must have called him.

“She said you’ve been unhappy,” he whispered, taking a hesitant step toward her. “Was hoping that I might be able to remedy that.”

“I doubt it,” Buffy muttered, turning away, only to stop when she heard his voice.

“So where’s Captain Boring tonight? If you’re so unhappy, wouldn’t you want to be with your boyfriend?”

Unable to respond, Buffy merely looked down at the ground, not wanting to lie to him anymore. Lying was how everything started unraveling. Where do you go when everything has already been unraveled?

“Alright…I won’t ask you anything about him,” he said softly, taking a deep breath as if he was gathering his courage. “Look…can we just put all of this away for the night?”

“What do you mean?” she asked, looking up at him in bewilderment.

Gesturing toward the door to the auditorium, Spike gave her a gentle smile. “We’re both here…”

“Spike, I don’t know-”

“Buffy, I’ll behave myself, I promise. I just want to spend some time with you.”

Taking a deep breath, she slowly looked up in his eyes, seeing the genuine emotion in his eyes. “Okay,” she murmured, slowly nodding. Maybe spending some time with him without any pressure was exactly what she needed. “As long as you behave yourself,” she repeated with a slight smile.

Smiling in relief, Spike hesitantly extended his arm toward her. “It’s a date,” he said with a smile.

“Spike,” she said in a warning tone, taking a slight step away from him.

“Deal,” he corrected himself. “Deal, I meant deal.”

Studying him for a moment as they walked into the theater, Spike looked at her with a confused expression. “What?”

“Nothing,” she said, shaking her head. “It’s just…you look so…grown-up.”

“Well, that works out nicely then.”

“Why’s that?” she asked with a smile, allowing herself to relax.

“Because,” he began, gently resting his hand on the small of her back and leading her through the empty theater. “It just so happens that I’ve realized that I needed to grow up.”

Laughing softly, Buffy sat down in one of the chairs, briefly closing her eyes when Spike sat down next to her, his shoulder brushing against hers.

Making sure to avoid too much physical contact, Spike watched as a few more people entered the theater, each couple separating themselves from any other couples who happened to be in the auditorium, each wanting their own privacy.

Looking over at Buffy when the trailers began, Spike studied her for a moment, nearly mesmerized with how beautiful she was. Watching as the light played over her features, he smiled when she turned to look at him, tilting her head in a question.

Hesitantly reaching out, letting his fingertips gently play with the ends of her hair, he offered her a sad smile when she briefly closed her eyes, enjoying the familiarity that came with the movement.

Leaning forward until their foreheads were nearly touching, he inhaled the subtle aroma of lavender that wafted toward him.

“I’ve missed you,” he murmured, his eyes wet with tears as she looked at him with a pained expression. “I never lied about that…I missed you so much.”

Feeling her chin tremble, Buffy bit her lip as she looked downward, breaking their eye contact. “Don’t do this,” she whispered, shaking her head. “It’s too hard.”

“I know,” he said softly. “I just needed you to know that. I miss you, Buffy.”

Raising her eyes to his, she took a deep breath, closing her eyes when his lips brushed against her forehead. “I miss you, too…but I miss the man I fell in love with.”

“It’s me,” he said, brushing his hand over her cheek before gently cupping it in his hand. “I can be who you need me to be.”

“I want to believe you,” she whispered. “Please don’t hurt me anymore.”

“I won’t,” he promised. “Never again.”



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Chapter 14 – Missing You


Once the movie began, Buffy felt tension settling over her. She didn’t know what to expect from this ‘not a date’. Spike was playing the role of a perfect gentleman, which was unlike him. Wondering if he was adapting to what she had told him about her ‘relationship’ with Riley, she hesitantly shot him a nervous glance.

Briefly questioning whether or not he might still be interested in her, Buffy physically shook her head. ‘He wouldn’t go to all this trouble if he wasn’t still interested…but why hasn’t he tried to hold my hand or put his arm around me…and why do you care?’ she asked herself, growing frustrated with her train of thought.

Pushing all of her thoughts aside, she tried to focus on the movie, still in tune with every subtle movement of the man next to her.

‘You’re being ridiculous. You’re just friends, and you’re acting like this is your first date. You’ve made love with this man- you know every part of his body, and you’re nervous because you’re sitting next to him.’

Nearly shaking her head at her train of thought, she settled into her chair, taking a deep breath.

“You’re going to have to forgive me, lamb.”

Jumping when she felt his warm breath against her ear and the soft tone of his voice, she slowly turned toward him, a confused expression on her face.

“Being the jerk that I am, I forgot to tell you how beautiful you look tonight. Not that you’re not breathtaking every other night, of course,” he finished with a slight smile. Feeling his heart speed up at the smile that seemed light up Buffy’s face, Spike felt himself relax, only to tense up a moment later when he saw her slowly move toward him. Not wanting her to look back and write this off as a weak moment in the face of a compliment, Spike raised one of her hands to his lips, planting a gentle kiss on it, before turning his attention back to the screen.

Feeling slightly disappointed, Buffy shook off the feeling, chastising herself for even attempting to kiss him. The familiarity was so simple that she almost didn’t notice their united hands. Debating whether or not to disentangle herself from him, she took a deep breath, slowly letting it out as she came to terms with the simplicity of the moment.

Calmly sitting the way they were until the movie ended, Buffy and Spike slowly exited the theater, their hands still entwined, each too comfortable with the gesture to abandon it.

Walking through the town, Spike gestured toward the coffee shop with his free hand. “What do you think, pet?”

Not stopping to analyze how this had turned into a pseudo-date, Buffy nodded, walking with him toward the Espresso Pump. Making a move to walk into the open-air shop, Buffy froze, her eyes widening as she looked at the man approaching.

Feeling her sudden change, Spike looked in the direction that seemed to have Buffy’s attention, raising an eyebrow when he saw Captain Cardboard, in the flesh, staring back at them with a look of distress on his face.

“Riley,” Buffy greeted nervously, trying to offer him a smile.

“Hello, Buffy,” he said, never taking his eyes away from Spike.

Resigning himself to be the bigger man, Spike offered his hand to Riley, still clutching at Buffy with his other hand.

“Spike Giles,” he said as the larger man took his hand in a crushing hold. Spike merely smirked while putting just as much pressure on Riley, delighted at the slight look of pain that crossed his face. Releasing him, he abandoned his hold on Buffy’s hand, only to slip an arm comfortably around her waist, smiling when she didn’t pull away from him.

“I know who you are, Giles,” Riley said, staring at the arm wrapped around the woman he was in love with. “Aren’t you the guy who Buffy caught screwing some model wannabe in Seattle a few months ago?” he asked with raised eyebrows.

Feeling rage flood through his body as Buffy tensed up next to him, Spike nervously cast a look in her direction, seeing her biting her lower lip, looking at the ground. He knew that she was trying to hold back the tears that accompanied the painful memories, and he once again cursed himself for doing something so monumentally stupid. Giving her a gentle squeeze, he slowly let her go, stalking toward Riley with murder in his eyes.

“That’s me, you bloody pillock,” he said in a hushed tone so Buffy wouldn’t overhear. “And guess what? She’s still here with me and not you, so why don’t you be a good little boy and run along home to mommy?”

Backing away from the other man with a raised eyebrow, he smirked when Riley walked forward to get in his face.

“I have no problem with wiping the floor with you, Giles,” he said in what Spike assumed was supposed to be a menacing tone.

“I’d like to see you try,” Spike growled. Turning his back on Riley, he focused his attention on Buffy. Placing a hand on each side of her face, Spike tilted her head up to look into her shimmering eyes. “I’ll take you home, baby,” he said, wrapping an arm around her shoulders. They made it two feet before Riley, once again, stepped in their way.

“Buffy, I’ll take you home if you don’t want to be around him anymore.”

Staring up at him in disbelief, she didn’t give a thought to the fact that Spike currently thought that this man was her boyfriend as she reached up to reward Riley’s efforts with a solid slap.

“You bastard,” she whispered. “You wanna be with me, so you bring up the one thing that could hurt me the most and rub it in my face?”

“Buffy, I-”

“Don’t,” she said, holding up a hand. “I don’t ever want to see you again, Riley. Do you hear me? Ever!”

Shoving him out of her way, Buffy continued on her way, feeling her heart ache when Spike fell into step beside her.

”You might as well leave me alone, Spike. I just want to walk for a little while.”

“Anything you want, baby…but I’m not leaving you alone,” he said softly.

“That’s not ‘anything I want’,” she said trying to smile. Unable to look at him, Buffy tensed when he reached down, enveloping her hand with his own. Finally raising her eyes to his, she watched Spike’s brows knit together as he noticed the pain in her eyes.

“I don’t know if I can do this, Spike,” she whispered.

Feeling his heart begin to pound in a steady rhythm, he shook his head in the hope that she would reconsider from the simple action alone.

“Buffy, no…I don’t want to pressure you, but don’t let that idiot mess up what we could have.”

“It’s just so hard…”

Her whisper trailed off as she choked back a sob. “I just…I always think of how you hurt me, and I just can’t-”

“I’m sorry, baby, I’m so sorry!” Spike interrupted, the desperation evident in his voice. “I can’t tell you how much I wish I could take it all back, but I can’t,” he whispered, his own tears beginning to fall when he felt the desperate need to hold onto her. “I just need you so much, Buffy. It’s not just lust or passion- it’s the fact that I can’t imagine my life without you,” he said, reaching up to cup her face. “I look into the future, and the only thing I see is your face. I miss you. I miss your smile, the way your nose crinkles when you’re thinking about something, I even miss the incessant babbling you do when something makes you nervous. I love you, Buffy, and I will spend the rest of my life making sure you know how special you are to me.”

Staring into his deep blue eyes for a moment, she slowly averted her gaze. “Thank you,” she said softly. “It means a lot that I know that.”





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Chapter 15 – Long Night


Standing in her room a few days later, Buffy surveyed her final dress decisions as the seconds ticked away, bringing her closer to the time she was supposed to leave.

It was the night of the annual Christmas party at the O’Shea residence, and she knew it
would be a formal occasion. Choosing a crimson silk, floor-length gown with two spaghetti straps on each side that split into a V-shape on each shoulder and came together again on the back of the dress, Buffy studied the sweetheart neckline. She couldn’t decide if it showed off too much cleavage but finally decided that it was fine- there would be plenty of women there who would be showing more skin than her.

The slender fit of the silk hugged her curves in a sensuous manner without being too risqué. The skirt flowed out away from her body, leaving her with enough freedom to move comfortably but leaving it to brush around her legs when she was moving. Pinning her hair away from her neck, she left a few soft tendrils framing her face before pulling on her stockings and heels.

Turning her attention back to the mirror, her eyes were drawn to the garnet earrings that she was wearing. The beautiful stones were outlined with tiny diamonds, perfectly complimenting the dress. It was her birthstone. Her birthstone, sent to her from Spike on her previous birthday.

‘Will he get the wrong idea if I wear them?’ she asked herself, narrowing her eyes on her reflection. ‘Is there a wrong idea to get?’

Shaking her head to attempt to clear it, Buffy shrugged as she walked out the door. They were meant for her to wear them and she would wear them. And it wasn’t like she and Spike were ignoring each other- it would be a nice gesture on her part.

Grabbing the matching shawl from the doorknob, Buffy wrapped it around her arms as she walked down the stairs and into the kitchen. Smiling when she entered the room to see her sister trying to steal bites of the Christmas cookies that were left cooling on the counter, Buffy suppressed the giggle each time Dawn tried to sneak past her mom and was promptly rewarded with a slap on the hand. Clearing her throat to make herself known, she spread the shawl to show off her dress when the two women turned to look at her. With a playful spin, she laughed at the round of applause she received.

“You look beautiful, dear,” her mother said.

“You don’t look half-bad yourself,” she teased, walking over to give her mom a kiss on the cheek before standing back and critiquing the simple black dress.

“Do I meet your approval?” Joyce asked.

Buffy gave a firm nod. “Definitely not mommyish.”

“And why is it okay to not look like a mom? That’s what I am, after all.”

“Come on, mom, there could be single guys there, and you haven’t been on a date for years.”

“Buffy!” Dawn screeched.

“What? I can’t help it if I want my mother to be happy.”

Joyce smiled at her daughters as they laughed together.

“You do look nice, Buffy,” Dawn said, looking at her older sister with a wistful expression.

“Thanks, Dawnie. You, on the other hand, are in need of a big sister makeover,” she said, tossing her shawl on the kitchen island. “Come on,” she said, grabbing her sister’s arm.

“Buffy…”

Hearing her mother’s warning tone, she turned around to face her with an innocent smile.

“What? Again, mom, there could be single guys there. Only this time, they could be closer to Dawnie’s age. She is almost sixteen, after all.”

Dawn looked at her mother with a hopeful expression, offering her a tentative smile.

“Oh, alright, but we leave this house in fifteen minutes!”

With a squeal, Dawn grabbed her mother in a hug. “Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you.” Leaving the room, the sisters ran up the stairs as fast as their shoes would allow.

Dawn began to head down the hall to her room, stopping when Buffy grabbed her arm and pulled her into her own. Situating her in front of the mirror, Buffy quickly ran to her closet while Dawn surveyed her appearance. Studying the black skirt, white blouse, and flat shoes, she let a pout play on her lip. “It is babyish,” she decided.

“It’s not babyish, Dawnie. Mom just wants to keep you from growing up too fast. It just isn’t dressy enough for this party,” Buffy said, pulling dresses from the back of her closet. “Ah hah!” she cried triumphantly.

Laying out the emerald green dress on the bed, Dawn had to bite her lip to suppress the excited giggle. The dress had a modest square neckline with capped sleeves, and the velvet material fell down to the floor from the empire waist, creating a sophisticated, yet innocent, appearance.

“Okay,” Buffy began, tilting her head in consideration. “First thing’s first- hair and make-up.”

Sitting her sister in front of her dresser, Buffy pulled the elastic band out of her hair that was holding her ponytail, letting the ringlets fall around her shoulders. With careful and quick precision, Buffy turned the mass of curls into an elegant upsweep before lining her eyes with dark green eyeliner and shimmery pale eye shadow. Finishing off the look with a pale lip-gloss, Buffy handed the dress to Dawn and shooed her off to the bathroom. “We have five minutes. I’ll find some shoes.”

Digging around in her closet, she finally came across the matching shoes and ran to meet Dawn as the bathroom door swung open.

“Perfect,” Buffy said with a bright smile when her sister emerged.

“You’re sure?”

“Absolutely,” she said with an affirmative nod, handing her the shoes.

“Girls! We have to leave!”

“Coming, Mom!”

Heading downstairs, the girls were greeted with a huge smile when Joyce saw them. “My babies are growing up,” she said with tears in her eyes.

Buffy raised an eyebrow at her sister. “See what I mean?”

The sisters shared a laugh when the doorbell rang. Each woman exchanged a glance before Buffy stepped forward to open it. Shocked when she saw Giles and Spike, each in tuxedoes with matching sunglasses, she had to laugh at the picture they made. Joyce and Dawn came up behind her, and before long, even the men were laughing.

“You guys do realize it’s nighttime, right?” Dawn asked between giggles.

“Well, what kind of an entrance would that be, Nibblet?” Spike asked, walking into the house, taking the sunglasses off. “Besides, can’t see a bloody thing with those on,” he continued after giving Joyce a kiss on the cheek. “You ladies look lovely, by the way.”

“Yes, quite,” Giles agreed after offering Buffy a kiss on the hand. “We’ve come to offer you all a ride to the soiree.”

“That’s so thoughtful,” Joyce said, greeting Giles with a kiss on the cheek.

Turning to face Buffy, being able to see her for the first time since he set foot in the house, Spike felt his throat close at the vision that stood in front of him. Trying as hard as he could to swallow, he continued to stare at her.

“I hope that’s a good look,” she said with a nervous smile. All he could do was nod as he swallowed, trying to catch his breath. “Well, I need to grab my shawl, if you’ll excuse me,” she said, walking into the kitchen.

Reaching for the silky piece of fabric, she turned away from the island, nearly screaming when she was met with a solid chest.

Grabbing her arms to steady her, Spike loosened his grip, but instead of letting go, he found his hands trailing down her bare skin to rest on her hips before leaning close and kissing her cheek. “You look stunning,” he whispered.

Shivering at the feel of his hands wrapped around her, she felt her breathing speed up as she ran her hands up the smooth expanse of his chest, her arms finding their way to the back of his neck, slowly pulling him closer to her.

“Hey, guys! We’re gonna be late!” Dawn yelled from the entryway.

Spike sighed, standing up a little straighter as the mood shattered. “Guess we better be going, love.”

“Yeah,” she said quietly, wrapping her shawl around her shoulders and heading for the door, closing her eyes when his fingertips brushed against the small of her back. It was going to be a long night.





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Chapter 16 - Dare to Dream


Pulling into the circular drive of the O’Shea mansion, Spike stepped out of the car, jogging around to Buffy’s side and beating the attendant to the door. Offering his arm to her as she stepped out of the vehicle, he tossed his keys to the man as he guided her up the steps, into the entrance hall of the house. Buffy swallowed hard at the interior of the house, looking around the huge foyer that merged into a grand ballroom to her left. She hadn’t been in the O’Shea mansion since the Christmas party the year before, when she and Spike were still a blissfully happy couple. Even when she was dating Angel, she’d only been there a few times since he had his own apartment, and that was a brief visit. She always felt vastly overwhelmed in the manor.

Leading her through the throngs of people and into the ballroom where the banquet tables were lining the space to her left, complete with hors d'oeuvres and champagne, Spike kept his arm firmly wrapped around her waist. Straight ahead, and about fifty yards away, was the area reserved for dinner. Buffy looked to her right and noticed the open marble floor where couples were already dancing to the live band. The back wall to the right was covered in windows, along with several sets of open French doors, letting in the cool December air. Beyond that, Buffy could barely make out the outlines of a large patio and garden.

“Wow,” said Dawn, coming up behind the two of them. “I thought this was supposed to be an intimate dinner party.”

Giles and Joyce joined them as Spike chuckled. “Try intimate gala.”

“Yes,” said Giles. “The O’Shea’s often spare no expense when it comes to festivities.”

“Buffy!”

Turning at the sound of her name, Buffy smiled when she saw Angel approaching her.

“You look lovely,” he said, giving her a chaste kiss on the cheek that nearly had Spike’s jaw breaking from the force that he was clenching it before watching him turn to greet Joyce and Dawn.

“I wanted all of you to meet someone,” Angel continued, turning away from them and gesturing to a pretty, petite blonde woman to join them. “Everyone, this is Darla Mason. Darla, this is Joyce and Dawn Summers, Rupert Giles, Spike, and this is Buffy.”

Darla offered a shy smile to everyone and gave the group a little nod.

“Now, if you all will excuse me, I believe Buffy owes me a dance.”

Shooting a slightly nervous look at Spike, she sighed when she realized he wasn’t making eye contact with her, tentatively taking the arm Angel offered and letting him lead her out to the dance floor. Once she was encircled by his arms, Buffy gave him a questioning look.

“I know, I know, it wasn’t the stealthiest move to get you alone, but I wanted to see how you were doing? I haven’t gotten a chance to really talk to you since…it happened.”

Buffy sighed heavily before nodding. “I’m doing okay,” she said in a moderately convincing voice. “I think we might be working through it…or working toward something…or something,” she finished with a sigh.

“Do you want to make it work?” he asked, tilting his head to look at her.

“If he’s changed,” she murmured, avoiding Angel’s soulful eyes. “Spike really seems to be making an effort, so we’ll just see where it takes us.”

“He really wasn’t in a right frame of mind, Buff. I know you don’t want to hear one of his friends stick up for him, but he was miserable without you. He never stopped loving you…just tried to drink the pain away, and it led to some less than favorable things. Oz talked to me about it, and we never wanted you to have to see anything. We just felt that you deserved to know what could…and eventually did happen.”

“Then why didn’t he call me?” she asked miserably. “Why didn’t he ask me to come visit even earlier? Why did he wait until the tour was half over before screwing up? Angel, I don’t understand.”

“I can’t give you all the answers, Buffy. Again, he wasn’t in the right frame of mind- there is no right answer or credible reason…he just made a mistake.”

Taking a deep breath to control her emotions, Buffy nodded as she tried to keep the tears at bay. “Thank you, Angel. You and Oz did the right thing. I mean, it’s not like I’m jumping up and down because of it, but I’m healing. Yeah, I wish that it had never happened, but maybe it was supposed to,” she continued, looking over at Spike, who was staring at her intently. “Maybe we needed it to get where we are now, you know? To not confuse puppy love with true love.”

* * * * *

Standing to the side of the dance floor, Spike stared at the former couple, wrapped in each other’s arms. Why did it pain him so much to see her dancing with a friend? They were just dancing…what he had done to her had been so much worse.

“You really love her, don’t you?”

Turning to the side, Spike raised an eyebrow when he saw Darla standing next to him, staring at the couple. “Yeah,” he said softly, turning his gaze back to the woman he loved. “I really do.”

“She’s been hurt.”

Looking at the other woman with a questioning expression, he waited for her to continue.

“You can just tell. The way she looks at you- there’s a lot of pain there, but there’s love, too.”
Turning away from the dance floor, Darla gave his arm a gentle squeeze. “Don’t give up.”

Standing alone at the edge of the dance floor, Spike stared at Buffy, catching a glance that she sent his way. He frowned when he saw a dark-haired man cut in on Angel and wrap Buffy in his arms a little too securely for Spike’s liking. Slowly making his way around the perimeter of the dance floor until he was standing close to the French doors at the back of the room, he was only moderately satisfied that he was closer to the couple. Keeping a wary eye on the man, Spike nearly growled when he saw his hand drift a little bit lower towards the swell of her buttocks.

* * * * *

Letting out an irritated sigh when she saw Parker Abrams cut in on Angel, Buffy gritted her teeth, repressing the urge to roll her eyes. She definitely did not want to dance with him, but she kept an impassive face as he wrapped her tightly in his arms. Straining against his hold on her as he continued his somewhat discreet groping, Buffy let out a groan when he began talking about himself. After a minute, she felt his hand drift lower and waited for the motive to give him a good swift kick, but unfortunately, the opportunity never came.

“So, Buffy, when are we going to go out again?”

“Hmmm…try never,” she said with a faux bright smile on her face.

“Come on, Buff, I know you felt it. You feel it now, when I’m pressed so close to you.”

“Are you just trying to test my gag reflex, Parker?”

“Don’t play coy, baby. You want it just as much as I do.”

Standing in shock when his lips began to attack hers in a sloppy kiss, Buffy’s eyes widened in disbelief. After a few seconds of astonishment, she roughly shoved him away, kicking him firmly in the shin as she did so.

“Don’t you ever try that again, Abrams, or you’ll see how much I really do want it!”

With another swift kick, Buffy rushed off the dance floor, leaving a bruised Parker behind her.




Thanks so much to: Cordykitten, Franchesca, blondiebear, BuffyandSpikeForever, B, Caitie, txjmfan, Aseret, & willowmouse for reviewing!

Chapter 17 – New Beginnings


Standing in the crowded ballroom, Buffy scanned the area for any sign of Spike, growing frustrated when she didn’t see him anywhere. After a few minutes of searching the interior, she finally decided to expand her search, walking out into the gardens. Breathing a sigh of relief when she saw him standing alone under a gazebo in the garden, Buffy wrapped her shawl more tightly around her, trying to ward off the chill of the December air. Slowly making her way toward him, she noticed the lit cigarette burning in his hand as she approached. Studying his rigid posture as he leaned against the railing, staring at one of the fountains, Buffy nervously continued toward him.

“So, she’s back,” he said without turning around. “Thought you’d be off snogging the college boy.”

“No,” she said softly, walking up and leaning on the railing to his left. Both stood for a few moments, staring at the cascading water, each only slightly comforted by the blanket of darkness that seemed to surround them.

“Listen, Spike, what you saw-”

“Was none of my business,” he finished for her.

“What?”

With a heavy sigh, Spike looked down at his cigarette, studying it for a long moment for the sole purpose of keeping his eyes diverted. “I don’t deserve you, Buffy. I don’t have you. What I do deserve is all the pain that you can cause me.”

“Spike-”

“I’m a monster,” he finished in a choked voice.

“No, you’re not,” she said quietly, looking over at him as she spoke.

“You don’t know that. I know you, Buffy, and you don’t even know what you want. You have no idea what I’m capable of.”

“Oh, believe me, I’m well aware of what you’re capable of. So, this is the big plan? Standing around in the dark, feeling sorry for yourself? You think you have a little bit insight into what I’m feeling just because you might be coming to terms with how much you hurt me? You don’t know me. You don’t even know you.”

“I know what I did to you,” he said, finally looking at her, only to flinch and look away. “I know…for the first time…I realize the pain that you must’ve felt. I was always sorry for what I did…even while it was happening, I knew how much it would hurt if you found out…but right now…tonight…I realize how much you should hate me.” With a deep breath, Spike couldn’t tear his eyes away from the landscaping, afraid to turn and see the expression on her face.

“So what do you want, Spike?” she asked with an edge to her voice. “Do you want me to hate you?”

“I want you to love me!” he yelled, finally whirling around to face her. "But I fucked that up without giving it a second thought.” Calming himself down, Spike looked away from her again, gripping the railing in front of him as he continued, “I don’t know what you feel for me, Buffy. I don’t even know if I want to know. What I do understand is that I have to be the strong one right now. I need to make a clean break…I need to let you go. You deserve someone who never took your love for granted. Someone who will treat you the way you deserve. Someone who’s not me,” he trailed off in a whisper.

“You’re really seeing it now, aren’t you?” she asked softly. “For the first time, you realize what you did?”

“I always knew,” he muttered, closing his eyes as he tried to repress the feelings that were rushing through him. “Even when I was…flirting with other girls…it was just part of the job, but I knew that it would hurt you if you had to witness it. Then the alcohol started getting in the way and the temptation…”

Trailing off in a choked voice, Spike closed his eyes, trying to control his emotions as he battled the tears in his eyes.

“I just ignored all of it,” he continued in a strained voice. “If you ignore it, it’ll go away, everything will go back to normal. That’s what I was trying to do. Thought that if I could make you see how good we used to have it, we wouldn’t focus on the past. That if I looked forward to seeing you, I could ignore how much I hated myself.”

“And what about me?” she asked quietly, causing Spike’s head to snap up to face her. “I loved you so much…I never wanted any of this to happen and…and I hate it. I hate that it’s so hard…and that you can hurt me so much,” she said, her voice choking up as she looked away from him. “I know everything that you did because you did it to me,” she whispered in a firm tone, tears building up in her eyes.

“Buffy,” Spike whispered, wanting nothing more than to comfort her as he reached for her, his hands meeting with nothing but air as she stepped out of his reach.

“I don’t hate you, Spike…I can’t. I just wish it would go away. I wish everything would stop…the pain, the heartache…even the passion that I still feel for you. I don’t know what’s going to happen, but I’m not ready to give up on us, yet.” Buffy finally looked at him and saw the
glimmer of hope in his eyes. “I’m not ready for you to not be here.” Shaking her head slightly at the injustice of everything in her life, Buffy turned to fully face him. “You know, everyone’s telling me how much you love me…so I have one question. Why? If you loved me so much, why would hurt me like that?”

Glancing down at the ground, Spike tried to gather his thoughts, crushing the cigarette under his heel before giving her an answer.

“I was being selfish,” he said quietly. “I could lie and say that I was completely out of my mind, that it wasn’t my fault, but it was my own selfish needs. I hadn’t seen you in months, and it felt like we weren’t even us anymore. We were both so busy, and I just chose to forget about everything. The main thing being you. You’re my everything, Buffy, and for some reason, I felt like I’d lost you. Gunn and Oz weren’t having any problems with the fame or with their relationships…it was just me. I let myself be deceived by the lights and the glamour of being a rock star, and I didn’t stop to think about anyone’s feelings but my own. The second I saw your face…the very second that I made both of our lives fall apart, I knew. I was sure of what I wanted out of life. I thought about the future and saw us…we were happy…and I knew. Nothing would ever be the same. I wasn’t faithful to you, Buffy,” he said, meeting her eyes with his own. “I can’t imagine what I’ve put you through, but I want you to know that I have been. Not when it mattered of course, but after that…every night after that. I knew I didn’t have you anymore, but if it means anything, I’ve been faithful to you ever since that night…and I will be for the rest of my life, no matter what happens between us. I owe you that much,” he trailed off quietly.

Exhaling softly at the admission, she finally let a few tears slip free, finally hearing what she needed to hear. She had been waiting for months to hear the truth, and it was finally in front
of her. Looking down at the ground, she found herself smiling.

“You know, when I first saw you,” she whispered, letting her memories taking over. “You were walking into the library that day and I felt like I was falling. I thought you were the hottest guy I had ever seen,” she said with a small laugh. “You thought you were such a badass, with the spiked hair and the swaggering walk and the smirk. Guess some things never change, do they?”

Turning toward him, she saw the smile playing on his lips.

“Well, except for the hair,” she continued. “I gotta admit, I like the curls better,” she said, reaching up to gently run her fingers through his soft hair. “I never wanted anyone more, and I never thought you would want me. I mean, your girlfriend could have been a model, and yet, you would still flirt with me on the side.” Her smile slowly faded as she let her hand drop away from his hair. “So, when I saw you a few months ago, every feeling I had came rushing back. The insecurities and all of the memories of those little side glances. I figured, since you didn’t kiss me while you were with Drusilla, that you really must have loved her…that you were one of the good ones. And yet…when you were with me… if you had to sleep around while you were with me, then I really was nothing to you.”

“Buffy, no! You were everything. Dru had nothing compared to-”

“I know. On some basic level, I guess I’ve always known that, but I need you to realize that if we do this…if we try and make this work…”

Trailing off as she stared out at the grounds, she took a deep breath. “You know, I can’t even remember that night.” Spike eyes snapped up to look at her in confusion as she continued, “I get flashes…here and there. I remember walking into the hotel, and it’s like my mind goes blank and the next thing I know, I’m in the stairwell with you. Sometimes I get flashes of certain images and I think it’s what really happened, but it could just be my mind playing tricks on me and making it all up. I see it…I see you with her, only it’s not her, at least I don’t think it is…it’s whoever my mind created.”

Buffy looked at him and saw the pain in his eyes that matched her own.

“And I’m grateful,” she whispered. “I know what you did, but it’s like my mind has filled in the parts that it doesn’t want me to remember. Like it’s selective memory or something. I don’t know if what I’m imagining is real or not…I don’t really care anymore, but I get scared sometimes that all of the memories will just come back until I realize that I lived through it once. I could survive it- I don’t want to, but I could. I just get so scared that you’d do that to me again, and I-”

“Never again, baby. I swear,” he said, his voice taking on a desperate quality. “You have my word that I will never hurt you again. Please believe me!”

“I do,” Buffy said, nodding slightly, staring off into the yard before slowly turning to look into his eyes. “I believe in you, Spike.”

Feeling the tears burning his eyes at her admission, Spike exhaled heavily as if he was letting go of everything he had been holding onto. Not wanting to startle her, he slowly shrugged out of his suit coat and stepped behind her. Slipping it around her shoulders, he hesitantly wrapped his arms firmly around her waist. Kissing her softly on the cheek, he tenderly nuzzled her hair, noticing the flash of color. “You wore the earrings,” he murmured with a sad smile.

“Yeah,” she said softly.

“I’m glad,” he said quietly before slowly lowering his forehead to her shoulder, feeling drained from the long talk. He felt more drained from the pain that he had caused them both, but he meant every word he’d said to her. He didn’t want to mess this up a second time. After spending too much time away from her for being an idiot, he wanted nothing more than to revel in the feeling of her body pressed against his, for whatever the amount of time.

“I didn’t kiss him back,” she whispered after a few minutes of silence, almost afraid to break the tranquility of the moment.

Raising his head to settle his chin in the crook of her neck, Spike took a deep breath as he stared out at the gardens. “I didn’t ask, love.”

“I know,” she murmured. “But I thought you should know. I know how much it hurts, and I
don’t want that for you.” Taking a deep breath, she continued, “We went out on a date…a few months ago.” Buffy felt Spike’s arms tense around her waist. “He just heard about what happened and felt it was his job to comfort me in my hour of need.”

Spike had a death grip on Buffy’s figure. “Did you…”

“No,” she said softly. “I thought about it,” she admitted after a moment. “But ultimately, I would have done it to hurt you. I didn’t think that was a good enough reason.” Turning around in his arms, Buffy felt her lower back being gently pushed against the railing as his body pulled closer to hers. “I guess you walked out tonight before you saw me kick him.”

This brought a bright smile to Spike’s lips as he tilted his head to look at her. “You kicked him?”

“Twice,” she admitted almost sheepishly.

“That’s my girl,” he said, the pride obvious in his voice before his smile faded, realizing what he said. “Buffy, I’m-”

“Shhh,” she whispered, putting her finger to his lips for a moment before wrapping her arms around his waist. Putting her head on his chest, she breathed in synchronization with him for a moment before continuing, “Always, remember? I’ll always be your girl.”

After a few minutes of comfortably holding each other, Buffy knew it was time to let go of everything. She needed to feel better, and she knew she had to make him feel better as well.

“I forgive you, Spike,” she whispered.

The admission was so soft, Spike thought his ears were playing tricks on him as Buffy pulled back to look up at him.

“I forgive you,” she repeated, her voice more clear as she looked into his eyes.

Breathing easier as a weight lifted off his chest, he pressed his forehead against hers. “Thank you,” he whispered, feeling the tears burn his eyes. “I love you, so much.”

“I know. Deep down, I knew that there was never a question of that.”

After a few more moments of enjoying the feel of each other, Spike pulled back to look at her. “I got an apartment the other day.”

“Really?” she asked with a sad smile. “Guess I won’t be seeing you as much.”

Tilting his head to look at her, his brows furrowed as he tried to figure out what she was saying.

“Los Angeles,” she clarified. “Two hour drive.”

“I’m not moving to L.A., love,” he said softly. “I’m living here.”

“Here?”

“Yeah, here,” he said with a smile. “And I was thinking you could come over and take a look at it…say around midnight on New Year’s Eve?” he asked with a shy smile.

“I don’t know…”

“I’m inviting the guys, too. I don’t want to push you into something you’re not ready for.”

Considering the option for a moment, Buffy took a deep breath as she nodded. “Okay,” she said with a smile. “As long as the guys are there, count me in.”

Smiling as he leaned forward to softly kiss her forehead, his eyes widened before closing when he felt Buffy redirect the kiss, pulling her to him to press her lips gently against his. Backing away before either of them could deepen it, Spike tried to regulate his breathing, smiling when Buffy whimpered at the loss of contact.

“Oh…almost forgot,” he said, reaching into his pocket and extracting a velvet box. “Merry Christmas, Goldilocks,” he whispered in her ear, sending chills down her spine.

Staring at the box in shock, she turned to look up at him with wide eyes. “Spike, I
didn’t get you anything-”

“It’s alright. I just saw this and knew that you had to have it…open it.”

Slowly opening the small box to reveal a beautiful heart pendant that was covered in tiny diamonds, secured to a delicate white gold chain, Buffy gasped, covering her mouth in surprise.

“Spike, it’s beautiful,” she murmured, removing it from the box and holding it up to catch the sparse light that was drifting their way from the direction of the house. “Put it on me?”

Taking the necklace from her, he watched as she turned around, offering him the opportunity to put it on her. Slowly securing it around her neck, he found his lips moving forward to gently brush along her pulse point, smiling against her skin at the shiver that ran down her spine. Turning around to face him, Buffy brought her arms up to wrap around his neck.

“Thank you,” she whispered, her eyes watering as she looked up at him.

“Merry Christmas, baby.”

Seeming to hesitate for a moment before meeting his gaze, she took a deep breath, coming to terms with what she was about to say. “I love you, Spike.”

Feeling all of the air drain out of him, he tilted his head to look at her, not letting himself believe what he’d just heard. She’d said it. He’d been told that she still loved him, but he hadn’t let himself really believe it.

“Buffy-”

His words were immediately silenced as her lips fused to his. Kissing each other frantically, neither wanted to give up the sensations that they were causing as Spike eagerly delved his tongue into her waiting mouth, groaning at the contact. Feeling lightheaded as he pushed her harder into the railing, Buffy pushed her lower body eagerly against his, returning his shallow thrusts as they familiarized themselves with the other after having been apart for so long. She felt a moan escape when they reluctantly pulled away, already missing the feel of the other.

“I’m in love with you, Buffy,” he said as she looked up into his watery eyes. Feeling her heart swell at the admission, she gently reached up to cup his face, watching his eyes close in relief of being with her again. “I’ve never loved anyone more.”

“Me either,” she said softly. “I love you, Spike. Merry Christmas.”



Thanks so much to: Paige, Franchesca, BuffyandSpikeForever, Sevvy_O, Cordykitten, Caitie, txjmfan, B & willowmouse for reviewing!

Chapter 18 – Waiting…


By New Year’s Eve, there were numerous changes in the Summers’ household. The main cause being Dawn, who had been dating Angel’s little brother Connor since the night of the O’Shea’s Christmas party. Buffy had attempted to settle into a hesitant relationship with Spike, provided that they each take their time and not rush anything. It was an agreeable arrangement for both, especially when they decided not to see other people. Spike had convinced Buffy that he wouldn’t be seeing anyone, even if that wasn’t the arrangement, further settling her fears. They’d made it a point to see each other over the last few days, enjoying the simple act of being together with no romantic pressure. Spike had even invited Dawn and Connor to his apartment to ring in the New Year, although Buffy thought it was just to keep an eye on his surrogate little sister.

Now as Buffy was hurriedly pulling on a pair of black pants and a white shirt that had a wrap-around style, forming itself nicely to her curves, she noticed Dawn nervously fidgeting around the door. Scanning the room for her shoes, Buffy dropped to her knees, flipping up the comforter of her bed as she looked beneath it.

“Out with it, Dawnie,” she finally said, stretching as far as she could before triumphantly pulling her hand back with both shoes in her grasp.

“Can’t you go any faster?” her sister asked, tapping her foot as she crossed her arms over her chest.

“I probably could if I didn’t have my bratty kid sister trying to tell me to hurry up,” Buffy replied with a raised eyebrow as she slipped on her shoes and walked toward the door.

“Finally,” Dawn muttered, practically stepping on Buffy’s heels as they walked down the stairs. “Let’s go.”

“Is it okay if we say goodbye to our mother first?” Buffy asked sarcastically, rolling her eyes at her sister’s impatience, suppressing the giggle when Dawn’s face began to redden as she tightened her jaw.

* * * * *

Arriving at Spike’s new place ten minutes later, Dawn raced to the door, not wanting to lose anymore time with Connor. Gunn answered the door, smiling at Dawn before practically jumping out of her way when she nearly ran him over.

“Aah, young love,” Buffy said with a sardonic smile, shaking her head as she hugged Gunn.

“Remember when it was still that new and fresh?” he replied, smiling as he watched Dawn make a beeline for Connor, greeting him with a kiss on the cheek.

Giggling while she watched her sister, Buffy scanned the apartment, hoping to see Spike. She was overwhelmed with how much the interior wasn’t like the man she knew. It seemed to be decorated in things that Buffy would have picked out, not Spike.

“Hey, Buffy!” Willow squealed, running over to her friend. “Isn’t this place amazing? It’s just so…classy. So grown up. Oh, Spike had to run out and pick up Oz. His van broke down, but he said to show you around.”

“Breathe, Wills,” Buffy said with a grin, following her friend as they began walking from room to room, starting with the spacious living room in the front of the apartment. Smiling and greeting her friends who had arranged themselves on the overstuffed couches and chairs with their refreshments, Buffy surveyed the huge front room. The open area was accentuated by hardwood floors and expensive rugs. It was all incredibly simple and clean. Seeing where the band's instruments were currently residing in the corner brought a smile to her face.

Walking toward one of the back corners of the apartment, her eyes widened as she took in the open kitchen with stainless steel appliances, a bar, and a huge island in the center. On the opposite wall, located behind the living room, was a set of French doors, which Buffy realized led to a roomy office, complete with a mahogany desk and bookshelf. Her brow continued to furrow as she looked around the apartment. If she didn’t know better, she would have thought that this place belonged to her…or at the very least, was decorated by her.

Following the hallway from the kitchen, she glanced into the two bedrooms and bathroom on her way to the master bedroom at the end of the hall. Wandering into the carpeted room, she finally let a smile play on her lips as she took in the interior. This room was more Spike. While the rest of the house was done in light, airy colors and tones with darker wooden accents and hardwood floors, this room had a hardness to it that still left Buffy remaining comfortable in her surroundings. The dark cherry wood of the furniture complimented the rich burgundy and black tones of the rest of the room. The burgundy carpeting ran the length of the room, creating a darker look that was obviously brightened during the day when the sun poured in from the French doors that lead to the balcony. Walking into the attached bathroom, her eyes widened when she saw the size of it. It was practically as big as her bedroom at home.

“Where did he find this place?” she asked in awe, staring longingly at the whirlpool tub.

“I don’t know,” Willow said. “I think he knows somebody in real estate.”

The girls both jumped slightly as the heavy front door was slammed, and Willow went running out of the room to greet her boyfriend. Buffy lingered a moment longer, walking out onto the balcony to take in the view of the twinkling Christmas lights that still covered most of Sunnydale’s homes.

Feeling her breath catch in her throat when a pair of strong arms encircled her waist, Buffy slowly relaxed against his chest.

“Do you like it, Princess?” Spike murmured before gently nibbling the edge of her ear.

Smiling at the sensations he was causing, she nodded her agreement. “It’s beautiful.”

“Thought you might like it,” he said between trailing a series of soft kisses down the line of her neck.

“Mmmm, you better quit that, or we’re going to do something bad, with our friends in the next room.”

“What’s the harm in that, pet?” he whispered sensuously.

Shivering at the suggestive tone in his voice, Buffy slowly turned in his arms. “Because we’re not ready,” she murmured, taking one of his hands in hers and squeezing it gently.

Seeing the disappointment briefly flash on his face before he nodded his understanding, Buffy gave him a soft smile in thanks before pressing her lips to his in a tender kiss, pulling away before either could deepen it.

“And I really don’t feel the need to have my little sister walking in on us at an inopportune time,” she teased, pulling away from his embrace with a smile.

“Well, when you put it that way, how can I argue?” Spike replied with a heavy sigh before smiling to show her he wasn’t pressuring her.

“We better be heading back out there.”

“Actually, before we go, there’s something I need to tell you.”

Looking up at him with a questioning expression, Buffy waited for him to continue.

“I have to leave in two weeks. We have a bunch of meetings in New York, and the guys and I have to be there.”

Trying to mask her disappointment with a smile, Buffy nodded her understanding, trying to walk past Spike.

Seeing right through the weak façade, Spike gently grabbed her arm before she could pass him, pulling her back into his embrace to reassure her.

“It’s only for a week, baby, and then I’m here for a long time.”

“I know,” she said. “I just…I don’t know…”

Trailing off with a shake of her head, she sighed when she couldn’t express what she wanted to say.

“Buffy,” he whispered, tilting her head up to look her in the eyes. “Do you trust me?”

Swallowing hard as she stared at him, she let the pain slowly settle on her features. “I want to,” she whispered in a strained voice. “I guess it’s up to you.”

“What do you mean, love?” he murmured, brushing the hair away from her face as he tenderly cupped her cheek in his hand, letting his thumb trace over her features to relax her.

“Can I trust you?” she asked softly.

“You can,” he said with a nod of affirmation. “I promise, you have nothing to worry about.”

“I’m putting a lot of faith in you,” she whispered.

“Yes, you are…and I won’t let you down,” he replied, wrapping his arms around her waist.

“I’ll miss you,” she said, her voice muffled against his chest as he held onto her.

“I’ll miss you, too, but I’ll be back before you know it.”

Each jumped as the sound of the voice coming from the hallway startled them. “I don’t know what you two are doing in there, but you’re going to miss the new year if you don’t get your asses out here and start partying with us!”

“Give it a rest, Peaches. We’ll be out when we’re bloody well ready to come out!” Spike yelled back with a grin.

“Okay, but no funny business. We have minors present tonight!” Angel called back with a smile in his voice.

Spike laughed and shook his head as he looked back at the woman in his arms. “Happy New Year, Buffy.”

“Happy New Year,” Buffy said, giggling. “Do I get my New Year’s kiss?” she asked with that pout that Spike could never resist.

“Bloody right,” he said, angling his lips to connect with hers. Moving his lips over hers for a long minute, each relished the taste of the person they loved. Breaking away as the passion of the kiss began to escalate, they breathed heavily, looking at each other through lust-filled eyes.

“Guess we better get out of here before something really does happen,” she said in a husky whisper.

“I think I’d rather stay in here,” Spike said with a grin, wrapping an arm around her waist and leading her toward the door, knowing that they should join their friends and ring in the New Year. “But you’re probably right. This can wait…for however long you need to wait.”





Thanks so much to: Franchesca, Cordykitten, blondiebear, Caitie, B, BuffyandSpikeForever, Sevvy_O, txjmfan & willowmouse for reviewing!

Chapter 19 – When Tragedy Strikes


Over two weeks later, Buffy wandered into her house, tossing her keys on the end table that sat next to the door and listlessly dropping her book bag on the floor beneath it. It was her first day back at classes, and already she felt drained of all her energy. Spike and the rest of the band had left for New York two days earlier, and Buffy hadn’t stopped missing him since they said good-bye.

She had talked to him when they landed, and again the night before, but she knew he would be busy with meetings over the next few days and the phone calls would get more sporadic until it was time for them to come home.

Slowly drifting into the living room, she walked over to the couch, letting her legs give out on her when she reached it. Buffy was surprised she didn’t go to sleep the second her head hit one of the throw pillows, using the opportunity to grab the blanket from the back of the couch and cuddle up beneath it.

She knew it was her night to start dinner, but it was likely to be a disaster if she didn’t get in a little bit of sleep. Closing her eyes and letting her body relax, she groaned when she heard the doorbell ring, stirring her from her near slumber. Slowly standing up, Buffy trudged back to the door, using all of the energy she had to twist the knob, pulling it open to reveal a tall man on the other side. A frown immediately settled on her features when she noticed the uniform and somber-looking expression of the police officer standing on the other side.

“Can I help you?” she asked with trepidation in her voice.

“Are you Buffy Summers?”

“That’s me.”

“I’m Officer White. I’m…uh…I’m afraid I have some bad news.”

Feeling the color immediately drain from her cheeks, her hand reflexively gripped the doorknob in a seizing hold.

“What is it?” she whispered.

“I’m afraid there’s been an accident.”

Her heart jumped into her throat at the sound of the simple statement, taking a deep breath as she waited for him to continue.

“You’re mother was presumably on her way home when the side of her car was hit by a man that ran a stop sign.”

“S-she’s fine, though…right?” Buffy asked, her voice getting a little louder as she tried to stop the hysterical panic from rising up inside of her. “I mean, she’ll be okay. She’s just at the hospital, right? I-I need to go get her? She just needs a ride home?”

“Miss Summers-”

“It’s Buffy,” she snapped, cutting him off. “Ms. Summers is my mom, and she’s not here right now.”

“Buffy, I’m sorry, but-”

“No…no…I just saw her…a few hours ago, and she was okay…she’s not…oh God!” Buffy cried, falling to the floor in sobs as the officer tried to console her.

“I’m sorry, Miss. I understand how hard this must be, but your mother…she passed away before she could receive any medical attention.”

“No…not my mom, she was the strong one. She knew what had to be done.” Buffy suddenly gasped in shock as another thought entered her mind. “My sister! M-my mom, sh-she was picking up Dawn, a-and-”

“Your sister is fine. The car impacted on the driver’s side, and the only injuries your sister sustained were a few minor bumps and bruises. She’s asking for you.”

“Dawnie,” she whispered. “I need to get there, I have to see her.”

“I’ll drive you.”

Forcing herself to function enough to locate her keys and lock the front door, Buffy allowed Officer White to help her outside and into his patrol car. Sitting solemnly in the passenger seat, she tried to make her brain comprehend everything that was happening. Before she knew it, she was being led into the emergency room of Sunnydale Memorial with no recollection of actually going the distance to get there. Feeling as if she was on autopilot, Buffy followed the officer through the corridors of the Emergency room, going numb when she was lead behind a curtain to see her sister. Aside from a bump on the head and a shallow cut on her cheek, Dawn didn’t even look hurt, which further clouded Buffy’s mind that her mother was alright and waiting in another vicinity of the hospital.

“Dawnie,” she said softly, causing her sister’s head to snap up before the younger girl immediately launched herself into Buffy’s arms.

“It’s all my fault, Buffy,” she cried into her shoulder.

“Dawnie, don’t say that. You couldn’t have known.”

“But she was picking me up. If I had been a little faster, or even a minute slower in leaving…it’s all my fault.”

“Dawn, listen to me,” Buffy said in a firm and gentle voice, trying to stay strong for her little sister. “I don’t want you to blame yourself. There was no way anyone could have realized what would happen.”

Slowly nodding with tears still in her eyes, Dawn clutched at her sister as if she was a lifeline.

“Miss Summers?”

Turning to face the nurse speaking quietly to her, Buffy nodded, waiting for her to continue.

“We need to further observe your sister to make sure there are no internal injuries. She’ll be free to go home in an hour or so.”

“O-okay,” she whispered, nodding as she turned back to face Dawn. “Honey, I need to go make some phone calls. Will you be okay?” she asked, soothingly running a hand through her long brown hair. She waited for Dawn’s nod before turning and making her way back through the hospital corridors and out of the hospital, inhaling the crisp January air as she tried to control her emotions. Pulling her cell phone out of her pocket, Buffy dialed the first number that came to her mind, having to dial it twice when her shaky hand wouldn’t cooperate.

After a few rings, she heard the comforting voice. “Hello?”

“Spike,” she whispered softly.

“Buffy?” he asked in confusion, straining to hear her voice over the men who were talking around him.

Listening to him fumbling around in the background, Buffy bit her lip as she waited until she heard a door close, muffling the noises before he spoke, “I’m in the middle of a meeting, pet, what is it?”

“I need you,” she replied, never raising her voice above the numb tone that she had been speaking in since her breakdown in front of the policeman.

“I need you, too, baby, but this is a really bad time. I’ve got about five suits in the other room waiting on me.”

“Spike, I want you to come home.”

“Buffy, we’ve been over this. I’ll be back at the end of the week,” he said in a gentle voice. “Now, I love you, and I’ll call you later.”

Hearing the click on the other end of the line, she felt her heart begin to race. “Spike…Spike!”

When he didn’t answer, she ended the call and tried again, only to be met with his voicemail. With tears burning her eyes, she quickly dialed another number.

“Giles…”

* * * * *

Sitting in the middle of the Summer’s living room later that night, Giles was exhausted after making funeral arrangements and filling in other necessary odds and ends so his girls wouldn’t have to be burdened by it. He had finally managed to get Dawn to sleep, but Buffy was a different story. She had remained somber and quiet, silently sitting next to him as he made all of the calls that needed to be handled, never shedding a tear in front of him, even when she said good night and practically clung to him before she went up to her room.

Now, he could still hear the quiet sobs that were coming from her room. The doctor had given both girls a prescription for Valium to sedate them. Giles had given one to Buffy before she had gone to bed, but it still hadn’t taken affect. His heart broke as he heard her hoarse voice carry through the house, the same soft plea on her lips.

“I need him…I need him.”

Giles was ready to gut his son when he was met with the answering service at the hotel, which refused to disturb any of their famous guests, no matter what the emergency was. He didn’t have the cell numbers for the other boys, and Spike’s was still turned off. Hearing his surrogate daughter in so much pain, Giles had to restrain himself from throwing the phone against the wall.

* * * * *

Awaking with a pounding headache the next morning, Spike almost couldn’t hear the sound of someone banging on the door as it blended with the thudding in his brain. Realizing what was happening a moment later, he rolled out of bed with a groan, making his way toward the door. After spending all day yesterday being shuffled in and out of meetings and finally breaking for dinner, only to return after an hour, he was starting to feel like he was a
lawyer instead of a singer. He hated having to sit through all the legal hassle of exactly how to put out the next album.

“Spike, open up!”

“Don’t get your knickers twisted, Peaches. I’m coming,” he said, unlocking the door as he ran a hand through his sleep-tousled hair with a yawn. “What the bloody hell do you want this early in the morning?”

“Call your dad.”

“What?” he asked, furrowing his brow as he looked at his friend.

“You heard me. Your dad just called my cell and said he had to call my parents and get the number. He said if he doesn’t hear from you in exactly ten minutes, he’s going to beat the living hell out of you.”

Spike furrowed his brow at the unseemly approach Giles took. That sounded more like something he would have said in his Ripper days, not something that Spike familiarized with the Giles persona. Reaching for his cell, he noticed it was turned off and cursed under his breath.

“I was supposed to call Buffy back last night,” he mumbled, running a hand through his hair in irritation that he had forgotten. “I was so wiped out, I came back and crashed. She’s going to kill me.”

Dialing his father’s house, Spike’s frown only deepened when he was connected to the answering machine.

“Where the bloody hell is he? He’s the one who wanted me to call him.”

Quickly dialing Buffy’s house, he became worried when a strange voice answered.

“I need to speak with Buffy Summers,” he said, glancing over at Angel, who was watching him in confusion.

“Buffy’s unavailable at the moment.”

“Who is this?”

“Who’s this? You’re the one who called.”

“Is Rupert Giles there?” he asked, his patience running thin.

“One moment.”

Frowning when he heard his father was over at the house, he noticed Angel giving him the same questioning look, shaking his head to let him know he’d talk to him in a moment.

“Hello?”

Breathing a sigh of relief at the sound of his father’s voice, Spike let his eyes close as his exhaustion took over again. “Hello, Da.”

“Where the bloody hell have you been?!”

Spike pulled the phone away from his ear and stared at it in bewilderment, shocked by his father’s shouting. Slowly putting the phone back to his ear, he shook his head as he spoke, “I’m in New York, Dad. Told you I was gonna be gone a week, remember?”

“That’s not what I mean. You have been out of contact with the outside world for nearly twenty-four hours!”

“Yeah, sorry ‘bout that. Forgot to turn my phone back on.”

“Spike, we need you to come home.”

“Listen, Da, I already had this conversation with Buffy, so let me tell you the same thing. I-”

“No, let me tell you something, son,” Giles spat out. “Maybe if you paid more attention to the woman you loved and spent less time on that blasted career of yours, you would have seen that Buffy did not just want you to come home…she needed you here. Like she’s never needed you to be here before.”

“Dad, what are you talking about? Let me talk to Buffy.”

“Buffy is unavailable at the moment, Will,” Giles said, his voice softening as he prepared to tell his son the news.

Spike’s temper erupted at being denied access to talk to her for the second time. “You know, Giles, that’s the second time I’ve heard that in less than three minutes, and I’m really soddin’ tired of it. Now put my girlfriend on the phone.”

“Spike,” Giles continued in a soothing manner. “Buffy can’t come to the phone because she’s finally getting some much needed rest.”

”Okay, I’m getting really sick of beatin’ around the bush, so why don’t you tell me what the hell is going on?”

“Son, there was an accident yesterday.”

Spike felt his heart stop in dread. “She’s okay, right…Buffy’s okay?”

“Physically, she’s fine, but William…Joyce was killed in a car wreck yesterday afternoon.”

Swallowing hard, he felt the world shifting around him. Staggering over to drop into a nearby chair, Spike let his head fall into one hand as the other tightened around the phone. “No…she can’t be…”

“Buffy needs you right now, son.”

“I’m on the next flight home,” he whispered, disconnecting the call. Sitting there for another few seconds as he tried to wrap his mind around what he had just been told. Taking a deep breath, he slowly turned to look at Angel.

“What happened, Spike?”

Instead of answering, Spike leapt from the chair, grabbed the nearest breakable object, and hurled it towards the far wall with a yell. Turning to look for something else, he felt Angel’s restraining grip on his arm.

“Spike, what the hell is going on?”

Sinking to the floor, he felt the tears stinging his eyes as his head dropped into his hands. “I’m such a soddin’ ponce. She needed me, and I…oh God,” he said as the awareness suddenly hit him. “That’s why she called…yesterday, she needed me, and I…”

Angel watched as tears began streaming down his friend’s cheeks.

“Spike,” he said softly, touching his shoulder.

Suddenly jumping up from his sitting position, Spike began running around the room, throwing clothes into his suitcase and quickly getting dressed at the same time. Finally turning to face Angel, he slowly took in a few deep breaths to try and calm himself. “Joyce was killed in a car accident.”

Staring at Spike in disbelief, Angel’s mouth dropped open as he shook his head in disbelief. “My God…do you want me to go back with you?”

“No,” Spike said, shaking his head as he picked up his suitcase and began walking toward the door. “No…you stay here and finish up. I have to go see about my girl.”




Thanks so much to: olivia-luv, Cordykitten, Caitie, BuffyandSpikeForever, willowmouse, B, Franchesca, & txjmfan for reviewing!

Chapter 20 – Raw Emotion


Pulling his car into the Summers’ driveway later that night, Spike barely put it into park before he began his run for the front door. Not bothering to knock, he pushed through the door and into the living room. Seeing several people he didn’t know giving him curious looks, he finally spotted
his father sitting with Dawn across the room. Making his way over to both of them, he was met with a crying teenager, throwing herself into his arms.

“I’m so sorry, Niblet,” he whispered, stroking her hair as she sobbed into his chest for a long moment.

Slowly pulling away, Dawn nodded, wiping her eyes and nose as she offered him a watery smile.

Turning to his father, Spike gave Giles a grateful smile when he gestured toward the stairs. “She’s in her room. She wasn’t up to seeing any guests tonight. She said she just wanted to be
alone.”

Barely nodding before turning and jogging up the stairs, Spike shed his duster on the way, taking a deep breath when he reached the top landing. Walking up to Buffy’s door, he gently tapped on it before pushing it open, not bothering to wait for a response. Nothing was keeping him from his girl for another second longer.

“I don’t want to see anybody,” he heard her say in a hoarse voice. Glancing around the dim room, Spike spotted her huddled in a chair, staring out the window at the side of the house next door, obviously not seeing anything as she stared.

“It’s me, baby,” he whispered, watching as her head snapped around to face him.

“Spike?” she asked, unable to believe it was really him after the last twenty-four hours.

Barely having the time to nod before he was assaulted by the woman he loved, Spike’s arms reflexively wrapped around her before flinching when he felt her fist connect with his chest.

“You weren’t here!” she yelled, hitting him repeatedly against his chest and stomach. “I needed you…I needed you, and you weren’t here…you weren’t…I needed you,” her voice continuously getting softer as the strength drained out of her, causing her punches to weaken until Spike was able to wrap his arms around her. Pulling her frail body closer to his, Spike buried his face in her soft hair and let his own tears fall. “I needed you,” she whispered over and over again, digging her nails into his chest as she clutched at his shirt, obviously scared that he was going to leave again.

“I know, baby,” Spike said in a choked voice. “I’m so sorry. I know you needed me, but I’m here now,” he said, pulling away to cup her face in his hands. “I’m here, and I’m not leaving you again.”

Nearly jumping back when Buffy’s lips attacked his, Spike was vaguely aware of the sound of the door slamming shut behind him as she pushed him against it. Eagerly returning her kiss, he tried to soften it as her tongue delved into his mouth to tangle with his own. Feeling her tiny hands trace the muscles in his torso, his body tightened when her hands moved downward, realizing that she was reaching for his belt buckle. Slowly intercepting her, he tried to gently pry her hands away as he pulled away from her.

“Buffy, not like this,” he whispered, in a strained voice.

“Exactly like this,” she replied in a rasping whisper. “I need you, Spike. Please! Make me feel something, anything…just make me forget for a little while. Please, Spike.”

“Buffy-”

“No, Spike. I know you want me,” she said, grabbing for his belt one again. “I know what I want, and I need you inside of me…now.”

Spike didn’t know what to do as she quickly stripped her clothes off, leaving her standing in front of him completely bare and vulnerable. His body had the natural reaction to having her naked body so close to his own, barely noticing when she jerked his shirt over his head.

“Can’t take advantage of you, Buffy,” he whispered, trying to stop her when she managed to unbuckle his belt and jerk his jeans halfway down his legs.

Before another protest could leave his mouth, he found himself lying on her bed as she straddled him. His breath caught as he felt her smooth body moving against his before she positioned him at her entrance and plunged herself downward.

Reflexively grabbing her hips, Spike nearly cried out at the fulfilling feeling of being connected again. Hearing her gasp of pain, he realized what was happening as Buffy began to move wildly on top of him. Her erratic movements showing the stress of the last twenty-four hours.

“Buffy,” he moaned, gripping her hips more firmly in his hands as he tried to slow her movements. He knew this had to be physically hurting her after not being together for a year, but she wasn’t letting him have any control.

“We shouldn’t be doing this, love,” Spike said, trying to use the only defensive weapon he had- his words. He almost couldn’t believe that he was even saying it when he felt her rotate her hips, sending tingling sensations through both of them, but he knew he had to stop her before she continued something that she would already regret.

“No,” she said, stretching her body to the length of his with her chest pressed tightly to his own when he tried to force her to stop once again. Continuing the gyrating of her hips, Spike felt his jaw clench at the rush that was going through him. “Don’t make me stop, Spike.”

Grabbing her thighs to slow her movements, he gritted his teeth as he tried to maintain the willpower to stop her. “Buffy-”

“No!” she yelled, pulling back to look at him with tears shimmering in her eyes. “If you want to hurt me, Spike, then do it! Hit me if you have to, but you will not make me stop.”

“What?” he whispered in disbelief, unable to understand what she was saying to him. Looking at her incredulously, he watched as the tears continued to stream from her eyes. Tightening his grip on her until he was flinching from the amount of force he was having to use on her, he breathed a little easier when her movements stopped.

“Hurt me,” she said in a low voice, looking into his eyes, silently pleading with him to do what she said.

“What are you talking about, Buffy?” he asked in a breathless whisper.

“I can’t hurt inside anymore, Spike,” she whispered as fresh tears began cascading down her
cheeks. “So if you’re going to hurt me, it’s got to be physically, because I can’t handle you rejecting me right now…not on top of everything else that’s happened. I can’t…I just can’t take you not wanting me right now…so do it…hurt me,” she choked out through her tears.

Understanding suddenly dawned on Spike. Gently grasping her hips, he rotated them until they were flipped on the mattress with Buffy lying beneath him.

“I would never hurt you, baby,” he whispered seductively, lavishing soft kisses all over her body before slowly moving upward until he met her lips in a passionate kiss. Rotating his hips, he relaxed when he felt her body respond to him.

Clenching her inner muscles around his length, she arched her back, craving his touch. Leaning forward, he eagerly drew a nipple into his mouth, flicking his tongue over it as he continued moving in and out of her hot depths, slowly running his tongue over her breast, along her collarbone and up her neck until she was trembling beneath him.

Kissing along her neck, he breathed heavily when he reached her ear, trying to maintain his control as his movements sped up. “I love you,” he whispered. “I’ll give you what you need…I’m not going to hurt you…I could never hurt you,” he continued as his thrusting sped up.

Spike met her lips in a searing kiss, letting one hand wander down her body until it wrapped around her hips. Tenderly holding her body closer to his, he began moving faster, feeling her muscles quivering around him, signaling her impending climax.

“Come for me, baby,” he whispered, kissing his way down her jaw to her neck. “You know you want to…we both know it’s what you need.”

Not caring who heard them, Spike sped up his thrusts, vaguely aware of the headboard thumping against the wall continuously. Smiling briefly when Buffy threw her head back with a scream, her body writhing as her climax crashed into her, Spike plunged into her four more times, soon finding his own release as he spilled himself into her hot depths.

Breathing heavily for a few moments, Spike slowly rolled away, never breaking full contact with Buffy as he pulled her against his chest.

Snuggling closer to him, she let her hand trace erratic patterns over his chest, feeling guilty as the memories began to come back to her from just moments before.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered after a few minutes of silence.

“For what, love?” he asked, kissing the top of her head before letting his hand trail along her arm, smiling at the shiver that raced through her.

“For what I said to you,” she murmured. “I didn’t mean it. I know that you would never hurt me like that, and I shouldn’t have said it. I just miss her so much, and it feels like I’m being turned inside out.”

“I know, baby,” he said, kissing the top of her head. “Don’t worry about it. You need to get some sleep.”

“Thank you for being here, Spike. I need you right now.”

Buffy closed her eyes and within minutes was sound asleep. Spike heard her breathing regulate and pulled her closer to him, closing his own eyes. “I need you, too.”


Chapter 21 – Surprising Surprises


As the months passed, Buffy found herself struggling with the added responsibilities of day-to-day life. Spike stayed with her for a solid week following the funeral until they realized they weren’t setting the best example for Dawn. Now they saw each other about three nights a week and only spent the entire night with each other whenever Dawn was at a friend’s house.

Joyce’s insurance had paid off the entire funeral, and there was a little money left over for a few house payments. Now, nearly three months later, Buffy was realizing she was going to have to make some major changes in her life. The problem was going to be trying to make these changes without Spike realizing about it anytime soon. Buffy knew that he would offer to pay all of her bills and anything else he could afford, but she didn’t want him to do that. Though he was fairly well off because of the hit record, he was far from rich. Maybe in a few years, but for now, he was living comfortably. Buffy didn’t want him feeling responsible for her monetary problems, and she was determined to support herself and her sister.

This led her to her latest, and last, option- the Doublemeat Palace. It was far from her dream job, but it was a steady paycheck and only working a few nights a week, for starters. Coming home from her interview that Tuesday night, Buffy was surprised to see Spike sitting on the railing of her porch, watching her approach as he inhaled on the cigarette he was holding. Pasting a smile on her face, she walked up to him.

“Hey!”

Inwardly cringing at the overly upbeat tone of her voice, she managed to keep the smile firmly in place.

“Where’ve you been?” Spike asked, raising one eyebrow in response, his tone of voice surprising Buffy as she managed to give him a flustered response.

“Oh, you know…out for a walk.”

“Uh huh,” he said, standing up to his full height and stubbing out his cigarette. Walking toward Buffy, Spike eyed her up and down, almost hungrily. “So you’re telling me you were just out for a walk, dressed in high heels, a short skirt, and a tight shirt?”

“Hey!” she cried indignantly. “I’ll have you know this shirt is not tight- it’s form-fitting!”

“Who were you with, Buffy?”

Rolling her eyes in disbelief, Buffy shook her head as she tried to walk past him. “Oh, you have got to be kidding me!”

Reaching out and grabbed her upper arm when she tried to walk past him, Spike loosened his grip slightly when he saw her cringe. “Where were you?” he asked, his teeth clenched tightly together.

“Take your hand off of me,” Buffy slowly replied in a cold tone.

Letting go of her arm, Spike wasn’t about to let her off the hook that easily as he took a step closer to her. “I asked you a question. Several actually.”

“What do you think, Spike? That I’m off fucking a bunch of random guys? That I’m prostituting myself to earn a little extra cash? Or that I’m just cheating on you? Because you know what they say- those who accuse are actually guilty.”

Seeing the tick in his jaw as he tried to control his temper, Buffy knew it was a low blow. She knew it, but she didn’t have any reason to feel guilty, and she wasn’t about to let him think that he could control everything that she did. Sadly shaking her head as she looked at the ground, Buffy slowly raised her eyes to his. “Spike, have I ever given you a reason not to trust me? Have I?”

“No,” he said quietly.

“Then what’s with the third degree? I love you, you know that, and no…I wasn’t out for a walk, but I don’t feel comfortable telling you where I was, either.”

“Why not?”

“Because I know you, Spike. You’ll get all judgmental, and you’ll start lecturing me, and I really don’t need to hear it right now.”

“Tell me, Buffy.”

Averting her eyes for a moment, she sighed as she crossed her arms over her chest. “I was on a job interview…”

“Why couldn’t you just tell me that? It’s not like I’m not going to stop you from working.”

“…at the Doublemeat Palace,” she finished, biting her bottom lip in embarrassment.

“Okay, maybe I will.”

“Spike, I can do this on my own, okay? I don’t need your help or your opinions because honestly, I have enough of my own, but I’m going to do what has to be done. I got a job there and it’s a way to support myself, so I’m going to do it.”

“You should have said something.”

“We’re okay,” she insisted softly. “But a few months from now, we might not be, and I want to be ready.”

“What if I told you I have a solution to make all of your problems go away?” he asked, wrapping his arms around her waist.

“I’d probably be very skeptical,” she said, in turn clasping her own hands behind his neck as he leaned forward to let his lips brush against her ear, sending shivers racing along her spine.

“Marry me,” he breathed softly.

Buffy froze, her eyes widening in disbelief. “Was that a question or a demand?”

“A request,” he replied with a smile. “Marry me.”

“Spike,” she said, breaking away from his grip and taking a step back as she shook her head. “I don’t think this is a good enough reason to get married.”

“What if I told you I’ve been thinking about it since Christmas?”

“I’d say we just started making our relationship work again, and this is moving really fast.”

“I know it is, but I love you, Buffy. Nothing’s going to change that.”

“Spike, this is all too sudden. I mean, it’s one thing to think about it, but it’s entirely different when you just spring it to me out of no-”

Buffy cut herself off when Spike reached into his pocket and produced a princess-cut diamond ring, set in a platinum band.

“I’ve been doing more than thinking about it, love,” he whispered, maintaining eye contact with her as he took her hand and dropped down on one knee. “Buffy Summers…will you be my wife?”

Buffy paused for a second before a smile lit up her face, she gave him the first response that entered her mind. “Of course I will!”

Slipping the ring on her finger, Spike jumped up, swinging her into his arms and around the yard until they both fell to the ground in a laughing heap of tangled limbs. Spike smiled at the woman beneath him and lowered his lips to hers in a soft kiss, brushing his lips against hers for a long moment before pulling away to look deep in her eyes.

“I want you to know, I do have some impending rules for this engagement,” Buffy said with a smile.

“Fire away,” Spike replied, eager to agree to anything she was about to say.

“Number one- we don’t get married for at least another year. Number two- we will still date. Don’t think just because you bought me a diamond you can get off the hook for taking me out, buddy. Number three-”

Buffy was silenced as Spike kissed her again, stroking his tongue against hers, eliciting a soft moan from her when he pulled away.

“I love you, Buffy,” he whispered. “And I’m going to spend the rest of my life showing you just how much.”

“I love you, too,” she said with a soft smile, gently caressing the angular lines of his face before grabbing the back of his neck to pull his mouth to hers, devouring his lips once again and giggling when he rolled them over, giving her more control. After a few minutes, Buffy pulled away and stared down at the man she loved.

“I never stopped loving you, Spike.”

“Me neither, baby. It’s always been you.”







Thanks so much to: blondiebear, Sevvy_O, Cordykitten, txjmfan, Franchesca, gypsy_jin, Pam, sue, willowmouse, & BuffyandSpikeForever for reviewing!

Epilogue


3 Years Later


Making her way through the huge crowd at the stadium in Los Angeles, Buffy didn’t think she’d ever find Spike. She actually didn’t think she was going to make it at all that night, since she had no baby-sitter for their seven-month old daughter Joy. Dawn had surprised her at the last minute, coming back from the dorms, telling Buffy to go and that she would work on her paper another night.

Buffy and Spike had married a year after getting engaged in a small backyard ceremony, with Giles giving away the bride.

When the band hit it really big a few months later, Spike had paid off the mortgage to the house, but he and Buffy had moved into his apartment when Dawn moved into the dorms, wanting to start fresh. They kept the house, knowing that they would eventually want to come back, but for now, they were happy where they were. Not even a year after they had been married, Buffy discovered she was pregnant with their daughter and Spike made a big career decision.

Spike was as loving and attentive to his daughter as he was to his wife. The band was in a position now that they could pick and choose their concerts, and they rarely left the west coast. Oz and Willow were living together, and Gunn and Fred had been married a few months longer than Spike and Buffy. Angel was currently in an on-again/off-again relationship with Darla, and to Buffy's surprise, Dawn and Connor were still dating after more than three years.

Now, as she pushed her way through the crowd of screaming fans and showed the security guard her backstage pass, she caught a glimpse of her husband in front of her. Watching with some trepidation as a group of scantily-clad young women practically lunged at him, she felt her heart swell when he smiled and politely told them to back off.

Stepping up behind Spike, she smiled at the bodyguard whom she knew and wrapped her arms around her husband. Spike whirled around and shoved her away before he realized who it was.

“Buffy, pet, I’m so sorry! I didn’t know you were here.”

Giggling at his response, she walked forward and gave him a hug. “It’s okay. To be honest, I’m glad I got that reaction. I’m not really used to this anymore, so when the band is close…I guess I forget that you’re still the number one guy.”

“Used to be,” he said with a smile, kissing her forehead. “Now I’m just the manager.” Leaning forward, Buffy relaxed when he gently kissed her cheek before whispering in her ear, “And if it means spending more time with you, I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

Pulling back to give her a soft smile, Buffy couldn’t help the smug look of satisfaction that crossed her face as the crowd of girls around them continued to glare at her.

“And I made you a promise,” Spike continued, ignoring the other women around them. “I’m not about to lose you again.”

“That’s good you feel that way because I really don’t feel like letting you go again,” she replied with a bright smile. “But you know I’d kick your ass to the curb if you step outta line.”

“I know,” Spike said with a chuckle. “Don’t worry. Staying in the lines, on all counts. So, I take it you were able to get a baby-sitter?”

“Yep, Dawnie showed up at the last minute.”

“Good,” he said with a smile, bending his head to give the woman he loved a soft, tender kiss, much to the crowd's annoyance. Pressing his forehead to Buffy’s, he looked deep into her eyes, ignoring everyone around them as the ambiance seemed to fade away. “I love you, baby.”

With a smile, Buffy gave him another kiss. “I love you.”

Looking at his wife with nothing less than pure adoration on his face, Spike tenderly tucked a lock of hair behind her ear. “Did I ever tell you, Summers, that you’re one in a million?”

“I’m not a Summers anymore,” Buffy replied with a soft smile. “And yeah, you might have mentioned it.”



~THE END~



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