Chapter 1



The student union at UCLA was crowded, bustling with students getting something to eat, shopping or meeting up with friends. It made Buffy feel safe to be surrounded by this many people. It also made her envious as she watched their easy laughter, and the friendships they took for granted. Sometimes she would sit and watch them go about their lives without them ever being aware of how she would imagine their pasts and their futures. Of course, they were always safe, and they always got their ‘happily ever after’. Unlike her.

Buffy sighed, forcing herself to start gathering up her books. She stuffed them into her black backpack, making sure the report she’d just had bound at Kinko’s was protected between two of the textbooks. It was due the next day for one of her Social Welfare courses. After two years in school, she’d finally decided to settle on social work. It wasn’t one of the best paying or glory careers out there, but she wanted to help other people, and despite her desires, she wasn’t medical school material. This was a faster track, and she could still work directly with people.

Slinging her pack on her back, she looked around. She didn’t see anyone suspicious. Feeling safe, she headed for the exit nearest the parking lot where her blue Chevy Avalanche was parked. She’d gotten a lot of kidding when she bought it because she was so tiny and it was so huge. But that was why she liked it. She felt more secure in the vehicle. Besides anyone who knew her past let it go without too much ribbing. She patted her pocket, making sure her keys were there. They were. She pushed open the door.

“Buffy, may I speak to you for a moment?” A young blonde woman came up from her left. “Please.”

Buffy immediately fell into a defensive stance, watching warily as she waited to see what the woman wanted. She chronicled the girl’s round face, bright eyes and messy blonde hair. Buffy didn’t sense any immediate threat from the woman, and relaxed a bit.

“What do you want?”

“You’re Buffy Summers, right?” The girl looked around her. “May I speak to you for a minute?” She placed a hand on her chest. “I’m Cassie Newton.”

“Yes, I’m Buffy, but have we met before?”

Of course, they didn’t know each other. Buffy was very good at memorizing at least the faces of the people that were around her every day. She didn’t know Cassie, but waited to hear what she wanted. Cassie looked around them nervously, which made Buffy do a quick sweep of the area to see if there was trouble lurking somewhere.

“I’m sorry,” Cassie said. “No, we’ve never met, but I thought you could help me.”

“Help with what?”

“Can we go somewhere and talk?” Cassie asked. “Maybe back inside?”

“Look, I’m sorry, too. But I don’t see how you think I could help you, besides I’m running late.” It was a lie, but her inner warning bells were going off. Buffy just wanted to get out of there.

Cassie grabbed Buffy’s arm. “I’m going to end up dead if I don’t get some help.”

It was enough to make Buffy stop and ask, “Why me?”

“I read about you before…in the papers,” Cassie explained. “You and the cop, your boyfriend, figured out about the other girl.”

It wasn’t something totally unusual. The media had been relentless in the first year, and even now almost four years later, they still occasionally contacted her for interviews. She declined then and now, because she wasn’t going to spill her soul for entertainment. There could have been an element of helping other victims, but when she told her story, it would be on her terms and when she was ready.

“He isn’t my boyfriend,” Buffy replied. It wasn’t until the words were out of her mouth that she realized how immature she’d sounded. However, the words were a defense mechanism, and a reminder that through her own stupidity she’d lost the first, and so far only, man she’d ever loved. The move back to Los Angeles had come too late and by the time she’d returned, Spike was already engaged to Fred. “Maybe you should just go to the police with whatever problem you‘re having.”

Cassie tilted her head. “They won’t listen to me. I don’t have any hard evidence and they think I’m just trying to get back at my boyfriend.”

“Has he abused you?”

“No, no, come on,” Cassie said, sounding and looking more nervous by the second. “I don’t like being out in the open.”

Neither did Buffy. Looking around again, she still didn’t see anyone. She wasn’t going to argue though, and they headed toward the parking lot. There were a lot of students and faculty around even though the long shadows of late afternoon were beginning to blanket everything. It was still safe, but Buffy didn’t want to linger too long in the open.

“Is he following you?”

“Him or someone else. Please, I’m scared and I don’t have anyone else to call for help.”

There was nothing Buffy could do to help Cassie. She was only a student, and only did volunteer work for the credits they would accumulate. She sighed because she understood the fear the other girl was feeling. It was the kind that could choke you until you were unable to do anything except give into it and the one who was trying to victimize you. Buffy couldn’t let that happen to anyone, and especially to someone who was asking her for help.

“Look, I know some cops that might be able to help you out,” Buffy offered. “They’re really good people who believed me when no one else did.”

“Okay,” Cassie replied, with a cautious nod. “I knew you could help me.” She hesitated for a second. “He isn’t abusing me. It’s worse than that.”

“What kind of worse?”

A chill ran through Buffy as she realized that no matter what, she was being drawn into Cassie’s nightmare. By even introducing her to her friends, she was bringing Cassie into her life. If this was really bad she could be bringing unwanted trouble to those people she considered family. She stopped in the aisle next to the one where her truck was parked. She wanted answers before she embroiled herself any further. The best thing to do would be to give Cassie some phone numbers to some help hotlines and get out of there. But she would hear her out first.

“I heard him talk about murdering someone,” Cassie whispered.

“He murdered someone?” Buffy squeaked.

“He was bragging about it. It was some kind of drug deal gone bad.”

“Are you into drugs?” Buffy asked. She was ready to run. Drugs and murder were too much for her to handle, and she didn’t want to endanger anyone she knew. Not because of her…not again.

“No, I never touch the stuff,” Cassie said with an emphatic shake of her head. “I knew he…he was smoking pot, but I had no idea.”

“Please,” Buffy said, in disbelief. “You couldn’t tell that he was a user? Either you’re blind or lying. And I don’t have time to figure it out, nor do I need to get involved in this.”

It was over for her. She turned, walking determinedly toward her vehicle. She wasn’t going to put her life on the line for someone who couldn’t respect themselves. There were hurried footsteps behind her, but Buffy didn’t slow down. It wasn’t her concern. It never had been.

“Please stop,” Cassie called. She ran a few steps until she was walking beside Buffy. “I swear I don’t use anything. He doesn’t either.” She sighed when Buffy snorted. “Most dealers don’t. They can’t keep their business going if they’re fucked up all the time. It’s California and I just thought that his money was old money or something. Yeah, I wasn’t too bright, but now it’s too late. And I’m in serious trouble.”

Buffy was trying hard to ignore her as she reached into her pocket to pull her keys out. She clicked the button to unlock it. Opening the back door, she slung her backpack in, and then shut that door with one hand and opened the front door with the other. Cassie was still there, and Buffy turned to her to tell her to call the police when she saw an angry looking man making a beeline toward them.

“Shit,” Buffy muttered. “Is that him?”

Cassie turned, and she could only nod a response. The guy wasn’t that particularly frightening looking. Yeah, he resembled a thug, but Buffy could see the attraction that Cassie would see in him. Tall, with an athletic build, and he walked with the assurance of someone who knew his place in the world. He oozed confidence, and it wasn’t until he got closer that Buffy could see the cruelty twisting his lips. Her gaze flickered upwards, taking in the intensity of ice blue eyes under shaggy eyebrows and wide forehead. A shiver ran through Buffy. He was good looking, but everything about him reminded her of a coiled snake.

“Hello, Cassie,” the man said. “Who’s your pretty friend?” His eyes raked over Buffy in a way that made her definitely feel uncomfortable. Like he could see through her clothes, and she instinctively took a step backwards. Except her back hit the truck door, and she realized she was trapped.

“Luke, this is…”

“I’m Anne,” Buffy said, holding her hand out to him. She was trying to think fast so they could both get out of this situation alive. Luke was setting off every panic button she had inside of her. “Cassie and I were discussing some classes.”

“Oh, really,” Luke said. His eyes darted between the two women. “Cass has never mentioned you before.”

Buffy shrugged, and stepped forward. “We just met recently. Some of the classes around here are so big that you can’t know everyone. We’re working on the same project.”

“Oh,” Luke said, with a grin that was colder than any winter night. He slung his arm around Cassie’s shoulder. “Well, soon that won’t really matter anymore.” He kissed her cheek. “You ready to go home, baby?”

“Cassie and I were just going to go grab a bite,” Buffy said, as casually as she could. She had to get the two of them out of here. Otherwise, she didn’t think she would ever see Cassie alive again. “I’ll drop her off at home later.”

“No, I don’t think so,” Luke said. “I’d like for her to go with me.”

Buffy took the girl’s hand, tugging her gently toward the truck. She looked around the parking lot, and was thankful there were several groups of people around. The odds were on their side, if only Cassie would trust her.

“Cassie, let’s go get some dinner,” Buffy said, trying to give Luke an innocent smile. She batted her eyes. “I promise, Luke, she’ll be home in a couple of hours. We really need to go over these notes. I am so close to failing this class, and I desperately need Cass’s help.”

Cassie hesitated, caught between them, and with both holding onto her. It didn’t take her long to decide to go with Buffy though, and she turned big eyes to her boyfriend. “Luke, sweetie, I can’t let Anne down. I’ll be home soon.” She stood on her tiptoes to kiss him on the lips. “I love you.”

Without waiting for his response, Cassie hopped into the truck with Buffy quickly following her. Luke started to reach for Buffy, but she shut the door, and he didn’t have any choice but to pull his arm back. It was either that or it was going to get smashed. Buffy hit the locks while jamming the key into the ignition.

“He’s not moving,” Cassie said, as the truck turned on. “No, wait he is,” she looked behind the truck. “He’s blocking us, Buffy.”

“Truck’s bigger than he is,” Buffy retorted. She refused to let something like him standing there get in the way of her getting to safety. She’d submitted once to survive. This time she would rather die on her own terms and fighting to remain untouched. “He can either move or get run over.”

With that, she put the truck in reverse, and slowly started to back up. Luke didn’t move. Buffy didn’t stop. It knocked into him, and he started swearing as he jumped out of the way.

“You fucking crazy bitch,” Luke shouted as Buffy drove by him. “This isn’t the end.”

Buffy didn’t slow down. She kept moving, and tried to forget him. They were safe for the moment, and she grinned in victory.

“Oh, wow, just wow,” Cassie said, laughing and clapping her hands together. “That was really great. I knew you were the right person to help me.”

“That was pretty good, wasn’t it?” Buffy asked, relaxing back into her seat. She glanced over at her companion and now she needed to decide what to do now. “Do you have anyone you can stay with that would be safe?”

“I’ve been living with Luke,” Cassie said, twisting in her seat to face Buffy. “I took a suitcase out this morning, but left most of my stuff there. I was hoping that he wouldn’t realize I was gone until I figured out what to do.”

“Where is your stuff?”

“It’s stashed in a locker at the bus station,” Cassie said. “If you weren’t going to help me I was going to run. I’ve got a little cash.”

Buffy sighed. She rubbed her forehead as she tried to think. For the time being she just drove aimlessly as she tried to decide whom she could go to that could help Cassie. She stopped for a light when she glanced in the rearview mirror. There was an SUV behind them. It didn’t appear to be stopping, and she eased up on the brake to give it a little more room so they could stop. They didn’t and they bumped into the back of the Avalanche. The impact propelled them forward with a violent jerk, then back against their seats with the same jarring impact. Buffy shook her head trying to clear it. Her gaze moved to the mirror again as she started to undo her seatbelt. It was then that she saw it was Luke behind them. He was grinning.

“Damn it,” Buffy muttered. “It’s Luke.”

“How?” Cassie asked, turning to look behind them. “Oh, god, Buffy what are we going to do?”

“Drive,” Buffy said, with determination. She made sure it was safe and then she turned right. Luke was behind them. There wasn’t time to think anymore. They were in big trouble. Buffy fumbled on the console for her cell phone. It was automatic. They weren’t lovers anymore, and she didn’t think she could even call them friends. They hadn’t really even spoken in almost six months, but he was the only one she trusted with her life.

She called Spike.

to be continued

Chapter 2


Buffy was his responsibility.

It would never matter who else was in their lives, or how much time had passed, or whether he gave in to the tumultuous emotions she brought to his heart, if she needed him then he would be there. No questions asked.

And it was that fact along with a good healthy dose of guilt that sent Spike rushing to the rescue once again. His stomach had done its usual churning as soon as he heard Buffy’s frightened voice. It was enough to make him leave his home, with its comfortable recliner and Moses, his grey cat, who’d been perched on his lap, and lastly the company of his beautiful fiancée. All to go play knight in shining armor to a girl who’d left him behind a long time ago.

Even Fred had said he should go, and it made him love her a little more. He smiled because it didn’t take much for that to happen. She was sweet, smarter than he’d ever be, and those long limbs wrapped around him every night was enough to keep him towing the line. At least Fred knew what she wanted, and that was him.

Unlike Buffy.

Who, at the moment, he was trying to catch up to in the quickest amount of time. Spike cursed under his breath as he took another corner and barked directions to Buffy on the two-way radio. Despite Buffy’s explanations, he still wasn’t sure this pursuer wasn’t all part of her imagination. Through the grapevine of mutual friends and family, he knew she still suffered occasionally from panic attacks brought on by a general fear of life. So, this could very well be a wild goose chase. But just because it was Buffy, he would be there.

It was a fate sealed a long time ago when she was still a child.

The store parking lot where he told Buffy to meet him was coming up on his right. Spike yanked the wheel, making his tires squeal as he pulled into the entrance. He pulled off to the side and left the engine idling while he waited. She wasn’t far behind him. A few seconds later, he watched as Buffy’s truck pulled in, and right on her tail was a black Infiniti QX.

It was a very real threat after all, making his guilt even heavier. As instructed Buffy was heading toward the side of the lot where there weren’t many cars. He hit the gas pedal, squealing tires so that he could try to wedge between the two vehicles. There was a grinding of brakes as the Infiniti tried to avoid hitting him. He did, by about two inches. The guy took one look at Spike, and started to reverse.

Spike chronicled every detail he could of the vehicle as the SUV backed out into the road. There was more screeching and swerving of cars as the perp didn’t bother to check for anyone in his way. It was those few seconds that gave Spike the chance to get his license tag number before the driver hauled ass down the street.

He breathed a sigh of relief as he pulled his car into a parking spot, noting that Buffy was doing the same. Climbing out of his classic Alfa Romeo Duetto, he stood with arms crossed as Buffy and another girl got out of Buffy’s monster truck. He wished he was wearing sunglasses so he could hide behind them as he gave the girl he once loved a frank perusal.

Buffy’s blonde hair still hung to the middle of her back but now it swung freely over her shoulders in wavy golden strands. His mouth watered as he noticed how the pink wrap around shirt she wore emphasized both her breasts and waistline. Dropping his gaze to hips curvier than he remembered that were snugly encased in black jeans. He followed the flow of her legs down to her feet. He had to smile. She still wore those work boots meant to cause damage. Overall, she was still stunningly beautiful and the ache in his groin reminded him of what he’d lost.

“If you’re done staring.” Buffy stopped a few feet from him, with her feet apart, and arms crossed. She was mimicking his stance, all the way to the arched eyebrow. “Maybe we can do something about the guy who was chasing us.”

Spike leaned back against his car, letting his eyes wander back up her body to meet her eyes. He wasn’t going to let this slip of a woman intimidate him with her sarcasm. “Maybe if you weren’t dressed to attract attention, then you wouldn’t have been chased.”

Buffy’s hands moved to her hips, and her chin jutted out as she took another step toward him. “Talk about attracting attention.” She waved a hand in the direction of his sports car. “Having a midlife crisis a bit early?”

“Grown up any?” They were practically nose to nose, both of them stirred by the unspoken resentment and hurt that had built over the last year. In the beginning, neither of them was willing to talk through it. He couldn’t express his hurt, she wouldn’t explain her sudden need to date half of Washington State and in the end, they avoided each other. Their friends were caught in the middle not knowing what to say or do to heal the rift. He settled the problem by asking Fred to marry him. He wanted a woman, and in his eyes, Buffy was regressing back to being an arrogant flirt. This was the best way for everyone. “I mean I think Cap’s daughter dresses a bit more grownup than you do.”

“Uh, people,” Buffy’s companion stepped forward. She gave a wave of her hand. “Just a reminder that the guy who just drove away is a murderer.”

“Huh?” Spike snapped out his squabble with Buffy so he could focus on the blonde woman. “Murderer? Who did he murder?”

“Maybe if you hadn’t been so intent on insulting me, we might have been able to tell you.” Buffy inserted with a flash of her eyes. “Maybe we don’t need your help after all.”

“Okay, okay, I was wrong.” Spike threw his hands up in resignation. “Want to tell me what’s going on? And who you are?”

“Spike, this is Cassie. She’s a student at UCLA.” Buffy stepped closer to the other girl. “She came to me for help this afternoon, and her boyfriend started to hassle us. When we drove off he followed us.”

“You said he was a murderer?” Spike nodded at Buffy, but his attention was on Cassie. She was a little shorter than Buffy, with blonde hair and big eyes that showed every emotion she was feeling. And right now, they were radiating fear in large doses. He dropped his voice so it was a little more soothing. “Want to tell me what happened?”

“I’ve been living with Luke for about six months.” Cassie wrung her hands together. “He always seemed a bit dangerous, but he was fun to be around and pretty good to me so I ignored all the signs. Last week I got up in the middle of the night and heard him talking to someone about taking out a dealer who double crossed them.”

“Any name to go with this dealer…” Buffy screeched Spike’s name cutting him off in mid-sentence. Both girls’ eyes were wide in terror, while Buffy pointed behind him. Spike turned to see a vintage white Lincoln slowing at the curb. Pointed out the passenger window was a gun. There wasn’t any time to do anything but react. Spike flew, pushing both girls to the ground with him, while he pulled his gun from his shoulder holster.

“Roll under the truck,” he yelled, as the first bullets whistled over his head. He was out in the open, and hopefully a better target then either Buffy or Cassie. He fired his gun in return, taking satisfaction as he shattered the rear window of the car. A Caucasian male leaned out, continuing to fire at them until they speeded up and disappeared around the corner. Buffy! He didn’t even realize he’d screamed her name until she responded.

“I’m fine…we’re fine.” Buffy crawled around the front of the car with Cassie right behind her, and he was flooded with relief. He sat on the dirty pavement, his legs sprawled open, and his shaking hands still holding his gun. He fought back the weakness of his tears, but all he could feel was the uselessness of when the bullets were whizzing toward them. One lucky shot and Buffy could’ve been dead. “Spike, it’s over.” She covered his hands with her own, as she knelt in front of him. “We’re all right.”

Spike grabbed her shoulder so that he could reassure himself that she truly was safe. Once it hit his conscious that she was, the cop in him snapped into place. “In the truck now,” he barked. “Buffy in the driver’s seat.” Jumping to his feet, he kept his weapon drawn until the girls were safely in, then he climbed over Buffy to get to the passenger seat. “Head for the station.”

She didn’t question him, just took off like a bat out of hell, while he kept watch. His gun was still in his hands when they pulled into the police-parking garage, and he finally could relax a bit.

~~~~~~


Buffy breathed a sigh of relief when Spike put his gun back in the holster. It meant they were safe for the moment. She wished she could snuggle into his arms, let him hold her and tell her everything was going to be just fine. Except she didn’t have that right anymore. Instead, she turned to Cassie, putting an arm around her shoulder as Spike led them through the building, and to the Detective Squad room. Curious faces, many she knew, greeted them as they pushed through the double doors.

Kate came hurrying forward, and it was seeing her friend that allowed Buffy to let go of her emotions. She was trembling all over when Kate pulled her into strong arms that had often comforted her over the years.

“It’s going to be okay, baby,” Kate whispered, even though she had no clue what ‘it’ was yet. As far as she was concerned, there wasn’t anything they couldn’t accomplish by working together. Just like they had before, and she considered Spike’s engagement a temporary bump in the road. According to her the relationship between Spike and Fred hadn’t worked the first time so why would it the second. “Calm down. You’re safe.”

It gave Buffy the courage she needed, and she pulled away, wiping away her tears with the back of her free hand. Cassie was gripping the other one. She glanced around for Spike, and found him in Captain Robert’s office. “Thanks, Kate. I’ve never been shot at before.” She pulled Cassie closer. “I bet you haven’t either.”

“First time for everything,” Cassie quipped, with a watery smile.

“Shot at? What the hell happened?” Kate’s eyes flew between them as her hands found purchase on her hips.

“I’m sure you’ll get the full story soon enough,” Buffy said, suddenly too tired to explain yet again. “Uh-oh, I think we’re being summoned.” Spike was looking back at them, and gesturing for them to come closer. Kate being the friend and natural detective that she was, went with them. Neither Spike nor the Captain objected to her being there as they took seats around the desk.

Roberts pulled out a tape recorder, and set it on his desk. “I just want to make sure we get all the details. If you confirm what Nagle has already told me then we’re going to have to turn this over to Narcotics for investigation.”

“Yes, sir,” Cassie said. She reached over to take Buffy’s hand again, before launching into her story yet again. This time Roberts and Spike asked for more details, Luke’s full name, and the address where she’d been living with him, any habits, name of friends, places that he frequented. Almost two hours went by before they were satisfied with the information they’d been given.

“Now what?” Buffy asked when Roberts handed the tape over to another detective for transcription.

“The three of you will be put into a safe house.”

“Excuse me,” Spike interrupted. “Why me?”

“Because Detective Nagle, you are not an active officer on this case, and they already have your information from your car you left in the parking lot.” Roberts stated. He turned to look at the girls. “And you two just walked right into the middle of a dangerous situation.”

“I can’t miss classes,” Buffy squeaked. “There’s only two weeks left and I have exams.”

Everything in her life was going according to the backup plan she’d created. She’d submitted an application to a women’s crisis program in San Diego that she hoped would be her ticket out of Los Angeles. She would still be close to her parents and friends but would no longer be in danger of running into Spike every time she saw them. Plus the training would be exactly what she needed to eventually work with rape victims. If she didn’t graduate, then she couldn’t accept the position if it was offered.

“I understand, Buffy.” Roberts leaned forward, clasping his hands together on the desktop. “But isn’t your life more important?”

“I’m sorry.” Cassie pulled away from Buffy, and stared at an imaginary spot on the floor. “I shouldn’t have involved you in my problems.”

Buffy was torn. She wanted to help Cassie, but she needed to graduate. Rubbing her forehead with her fingers, she tried to decide what to do. Not that there was really any choice. None of her plans would work out if she were dead. Finally, she nodded. She reached over to grab Cassie’s hand again. “I’m sorry. Yes, you should have come to me.” Or at least someone. “So, we’ll be roommates until this gets sorted out.”

“Don’t forget about me.” Spike was grinning, and it only made her want to kick him.


to be continued…

Author's Note: I apologize in advance for the shortness of the chapter. After conferring with my beta, we decided that the second half needed an overhaul. Instead of waiting another few days to post, I decided to post the good half. I will get the rest of it out as soon as possible!!


Chapter 3



Spike turned the other way so Buffy wouldn’t overhear his part of his conversation with Fred. It really wasn’t any of her business. That wasn’t all of it though. There was a part of him that knew it would hurt her to hear him talk to his fiancée. He was hoping to avoid doing that to her on top of everything else he’d already done.

“You’re going to be locked up with Buffy?” Fred asked, for like the third time, and breaking away from the practical issues they had been discussing.

“And with the girl who involved us in this. It’s not something I want to do,” Spike said, closing his eyes. Thank god, she couldn’t read his mind. Otherwise, she would know that his heart was racing at being close to Buffy again. “I’d much rather be at home with you.” He put as much passion as he could behind the words, but the guilt wasn’t going away. He should be with the woman he was going to marry.

“Well, I won’t be here either. Seems that since we live together that it would be a good idea for me to vanish, too.” Fred hesitated for a second before adding, “I wish we could be together.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be.” Fred sighed. “It’s part of you being a cop…and I was the one who told you to go help Buffy.”

Spike laughed. What else could he do? This whole situation of Cassie’s was messing up everybody’s lives. He couldn’t even ask where they were taking his fiancée, because someone might be listening. At least there was already a patrol unit there to ensure her safety.

“What’s going on with Moses?”

“He’s being delivered to safety, too.”

That meant he was going to Angel and Cordelia’s house. It would probably be a circuitous route to get his cat there, but at least he wouldn’t have to worry about him. He got teased a lot about how much he cared about the stray feline he’d found one night in an alley, but Moses was a good companion. He didn’t come with a lot of baggage, and Spike never had to second guess his emotions when it came to his pet.

“Fred…I’m going to miss you.”

“Spike?”

“Yeah?”

“Maybe we should take this as a sign.”

In his mind, Spike could see Fred twisting the phone cord around her fingers. Her Texas accent was a little thicker when she was worried about something or was just flat out afraid. He hated the fact that Buffy was always between him and Fred, but it wasn’t something he could do anything about. That was a lie, but the truth was too much to handle even for him.

“A sign of what? The second coming? The world is ending again?” Spike tried to joke. It was falling flat though. He ran his hand over his face. “God, Freddie, don’t say that.”

“I love you, Spike, but I don’t like being second.”

“I love you, too.” He insisted.

“I know you want to love me,” Fred’s voice was barely above a whisper. “I’m going to do some serious thinking while I’m away.”

This time she was twisting the ring he’d placed on her finger only a few months ago. It hurt that she was considering breaking up with him. Didn’t that mean he loved her, or that he was afraid of being alone? Whatever it was, he didn’t want to let her go. Not yet.

“Fred…it’s not going to change how I feel.”

“That’s what I’m afraid of,” Fred said, with a nervous little laugh. “We’ll talk when this is over and see where we are.”

“I want you to be happy.”

“So do I, and you…and Buffy both deserve to be happy.”

Then she was gone. Just a tiny click in his ear, and Fred wasn’t there anymore. Spike rubbed his forehead. He was confused, and feeling intensely lonely at the moment. Plus a healthy dose of guilt was weighing heavy on him. He was a fool, no matter how it went. He needed to remember Buffy’s words of wanting to find out if she could love someone else, and the fact that she hadn’t meant just emotionally. Maybe that would keep his heart and mind firmly on the woman who did love him without any doubts. If he wasn’t surrounded by his squad, and the girl in question, he might put his fist through a wall just to feel better, but he couldn’t so instead he pushed it all aside to concentrate on the situation he was mired in.

Cassie was down the hall, speaking with the DEA agents, while Buffy sat alone on the bench outside Robert’s office. She was just staring at the floor with her head in her hands. In a matter of a few hours, everything in her life had changed. For someone who needed the security of set boundaries, she had to be ready to crawl out of her skin. He just didn’t know if he was the right person to talk to her. Looking around for Kate, he remembered she’d been sent out on a call. There wasn’t anyone else, so he went to sit on the bench with Buffy.

“You okay?”

“Don’t worry. I’m not going to have a meltdown.”

“Didn’t think you were going to, Love.”

Buffy tensed, but she didn’t say anything about the endearment he’d used. It was kind of embarrassing that he would fall so easily into calling her that again. The word should only be used for Fred, although he never had. Sighing, he stared down at his own hands before trying again.

“You were looking kind of unhappy, and I just wanted to see how you were holding up.” He chuckled. “’Cause I’m feeling a bit out of control of everything in my life.”

“I’m sorry, Spike. I shouldn’t have called you.” Buffy leaned back in the bench so she could look at him. “I should have called 911 like everyone else in the city.”

“It’s okay, Buffy. Really. It’s happened and we’re just going to have to deal with it until it’s over.”

Shuffling her feet, she stared out over the squad room. “Am I going to be able to get things from my apartment?”

“’Fraid not. It’ll be watched by some undercover cops, but no one is going to be able to go inside without tipping off Luke and his friends.”

“I need my medication.” Buffy whispered, so softly that he almost didn’t hear her.

“Shit.” It was something he hadn’t thought of in all the rearranging of their lives. “Write a list of what you take, and the dosage and stuff. I’ll see if the Captain can do something about it.”

“Thanks.”

Buffy seemed to relax a little bit as she reached in her backpack for some paper. It didn’t take her long to write down the few prescriptions she needed. She handed it to him. He shouldn’t have looked, but he did. It pissed him off when he saw that she was taking birth control pills. Not saying anything, he stood to find Roberts. There hadn’t been a huge misunderstanding. Buffy was sleeping with other men. His gut was twisted from the knowledge that the girl he’d shown how good sex could be, was now learning from other men.



to be continued…

Chapter 4


Buffy took another bite of her fast food hamburger, sinking a little further back into the deep cushions of the loveseat she was occupying. She was feeling out of place, and a little left out as she watched the others joke around. A part of her couldn’t understand how they could be laughing at a time like this, while another part understood the need to let go of the thick tension that had occupied the earlier ride to the safe house.

Lorne and Kate, who’d been assigned to watch them, were curled up beside each other on the couch. Spike was in the chair beside them while Cassie was sitting cross-legged on the floor between them. The three friends had accepted the troubled young woman as part of them, and Cassie was animatedly talking to them about some movie they’d all seen. Buffy hadn’t seen it, so it gave her the excuse to remain silent.

Until the Narcotics Unit and the DEA wrapped up the situation with Luke, they would all be living together. Thankfully, the house where they were was large enough for them to manage some privacy. Buffy didn’t think she could have been able to stand it if there wasn’t. After a tour of the gated house near Malibu, she’d taken a small bedroom at the end of the hall, leaving Kate and Cassie to share the Master bedroom, and the two men to share another room with twin beds.

Besides the usual rooms there were also a den and a solarium overlooking the backyard. The house belonged to a family member of a member of the LA police force. It had stood empty for almost a month during negotiations for a sale that never went through. Captain Roberts had arranged to ‘borrow’ the place under the guise of Lorne and Kate renting it. The owners were currently living in Europe, and had left the house still furnished in modern yet comfortable pieces. The soothing colors of blues and grays dominated the design with splashes of red here and there.

Another burst of laughter made her look up, and she found Spike staring at her with concern in those blue depths. She smiled, hopefully, as if she didn’t have a care in the world before leaning forward to grab a few more fries. She wasn’t going to let him see any weakness. Pity was the last thing she wanted. Besides she was still upset about Spike’s earlier anger over her taking birth control pills.

His reaction was similar to when she’d told him that she’d met someone else…

It was almost two years after she’d left Los Angeles, and she’d come back to spend a weekend with Spike. To see if spending time with him would help clear the confusion that was dominating her heart and mind. Their relationship after she left was defined as friendship. Not that it had stopped them being together in every way, as much as possible, the first year. Then as time drifted on, they started to build separate lives almost without realizing it as the distance became almost too much to manage.

It had taken her until Sunday to say something to him. They were walking along the beach, holding hands and talking about general things when she finally garnered the courage.

“Spike…I met someone,” she stopped so she could look into his eyes. They wouldn’t lie to her, but he was looking somewhere over her head. “He wants to…get serious and I don’t know if I want to…”

He took her face in his hands to stare deep into her eyes. “It sounds like you want to find out.” His thumbs gently stroked her cheeks, making her want to cry with the love she felt in his touch. “Isn’t that one of the reasons you moved away? So, you could find out who you are by yourself…and who you might be with someone else.”

“It hurts, Spike, I love you so much…but I like him. He’s good to me…”

“Find out, Buffy.”

He’d said all the right things. Been the perfect friend. Given all the right support, but her decision to take that chance was met with a slow simmering anger Spike refused to discuss. When she ran into him at Angel’s house a couple of months later, he was even more distant despite the fact her new relationship hadn’t worked out. Then he was gone. Not answering the phone when she called, leaving her in a confused mire of loneliness and heartache.

Blinking, Buffy looked around the room at the people gathered there. Suddenly the room wasn’t big enough, and she scrambled out of the loveseat. She gathered her food wrappings before hurrying to the kitchen to quickly dump them in the garbage pail.

“Breathe, Buffy, breathe,” she muttered to herself as she leaned against the counter. She was shaking, and she didn’t have anything to counteract the panic attack that was coming on swiftly. She dropped to her knees as she forced herself to breathe in through her nose and out through her mouth.

“Are you okay?” Kate asked, kneeling next to her on the floor. She rubbed Buffy’s back. “Keep breathing. It’s all okay…you’re safe. We won’t let anything happen to you.”

“I’m fine.” Her nails were digging into the palm of her hands, but Buffy refused to let go. The pain was helping to ground her as much as the breathing.

There was the sound of other footsteps rushing into the kitchen. They were all there staring at the sight of her being her usual weak self. It made her want to scream at them that she’d been handling everything in her life just fine until today. Why was Spike here? Why did he have to hate her for wanting to be alive? To feel? A sob escaped from deep within her soul, making her ashamed of loss of control.

Then there were other hands holding on to her, stroking her hair. New hands, but they were kind, letting her know she was safe. “I’m sorry for coming to you.”

The pain and fear in those few words were enough to bring Buffy out of her own misery. She took a deep breath before pulling herself to a sitting position. Glancing around the room, Buffy changed positions so that she was leaning against the cabinets. “I’m okay.”

“You keep saying that sweetness.” Lorne commented. He gave her a smile that let her know she was loved no matter what her faults. It gave her strength. “You sure?”

“This time I mean it.” She shook her head. “I haven’t…”

“You don’t need to explain,” Kate said, with a smile. “It’s been a rough day…and you’ve…”

“Don’t.” Buffy held her hand up. “I don’t need excuses to fall apart.” She chuckled, meeting Spike’s gaze for a mere second. “Thank you…all for being here for me.” She clasped Cassie’s hand. “Don’t apologize. I’m just glad I was there.”

“You and that truck,” Cassie grinned. “Now, that was some cool maneuvering.”

“Taught her everything she knows about defensive driving,” Spike said. “She’s hell on wheels.”

“Buffy is just a wild thing.” Kate kidded. “Now, come on, let’s go hit the Pay-per-view channels and see if we can find something funny to watch. I think we all need to unwind for awhile.”

It was exactly the perfect way to end the ‘worry about Buffy’ moment they were trapped in. Lorne came over to help them off the floor, leaving Buffy for last so he could pull her into a strong hug. It felt good. And safe. Lorne had become a good friend over the years. One that never judged, and never crossed the line.

“Thanks,” she whispered.

“You just keep it together, girl, we need you.”

Buffy didn’t respond. Just held him a little tighter and wished she could have some second chances to make things right.

~~~~~~~

Spike was worried about her. After her panic attack earlier, Buffy had seemingly changed personalities. She smiled, laughed at the movie, and made all the right comments at the right time. He knew she was putting on a brave front. Trying to be okay in a situation where few people would feel safe.

After rummaging through his duffel bag to find something for her to sleep in, he hurried down the hall.

“Buffy,” he called through the door after giving a knock. “May I come in?”

“Yes.”

He wasn’t sure what he’d find, but he wasn’t expecting to see her sitting on the bed with an open notebook in front of her. “I grabbed my duffel bag from my locker. “ He held out the t-shirt and boxers toward her. “Thought you might like something to sleep in.”

She blinked. “Are you giving them to everyone or just me?” One eyebrow arched as she leaned against the headboard. Her arms crossed defiantly in front of her.

Sighing, he tossed the clothes on the end of the bed. “Look, Buffy, I know that you…don’t like to just sleep in…with other people around…and I was trying to be nice. Obviously that isn’t allowed anymore.”

“Oh, there are rules now? I guess you formed those about the time you stopped talking to me.”

“I stopped talking to you?” He pointed toward himself, and laughed. “Now that’s rich. You’re the one who decided to run off and play with half the male population in Washington.” It was one of those moments when a person realized they’d said more than they’d wanted to say. Spike closed his eyes.

He heard her climb off the bed, and automatically took a step back. When he opened his eyes, he saw a fire in her eyes that he hadn’t seen in a very long time. It was life, burning a blaze that was making her slender body tremble.

“You think I’m a slut?” Buffy asked, standing so close that she had to crane her neck back just so she could look up at him. “I go out with another man, who you encouraged me to see, and now you think I’m sleeping with every man I meet.”

Well yeah…but he couldn’t say that, even though he had his reasons.

It had been one of those days at work. Days when it seemed that there was very little humanity left in people. Spike was feeling discouraged. He needed someone and there wasn’t anyone at home. So, he headed to Angel’s house to see if he could get a little dinner and family time so he wouldn’t be alone. When he’d gotten out of his car, he’d heard voices in the back so he headed that way. A smile lit up his face when he heard Buffy’s voice. Maybe she was coming back. He could only hope, but then it was dashed away.

“Just how many men have you gone out with in the last month?” Cordelia was asking with surprise in her voice...

“Ten,” Buffy said. “Oh, god, Cordelia…what the hell am I doing?”

“That’s something you’ll have to answer. I can’t do it for you.”

“All I want to do is feel…something…anything.”

Spike didn’t wait around to hear anymore. He didn’t even want to go into the house. A part of him told him that he should talk to her, find out exactly what was going on and if she was all right. But she had friends, which were his family, to lean on and help her out. She didn’t need him, and from the sound of it, she didn’t want him either.

As he was climbing into his car, Angel pulled in behind him, blocking his exit. Somehow he’d endured the night with her around, but he kept his vow, and let her go.

Spike ran his hand over his face. Anything to block out the anger in her eyes. “No, I don’t think you’re a slut, Buffy.” It was the truth. She had reasons if she was sleeping with other men. It just hurt that she didn’t want him.

“Yes, you do.” She shrugged. “Do whatever. Just stay the hell out of my way.”

“You’re the one who called me this afternoon. Remember? The only time you want me around is when you need something.”

“Take your damn clothes,” she grabbed them off the bed to throw at him. “And get out.”

“Fine and next time you call I won’t bloody answer.”

“Well, don’t worry I won’t call you if I’m dying in the street…”

Suddenly, it came rushing back to him. An image from earlier of Buffy in danger when the bullets were whizzing around them was more real than anything around him…including the furious woman he wasn’t sure he knew.

“Don’t ever say that.” Somehow he found his hands tangled in her hair and his forehead pressed to hers. “I couldn’t stand it if you weren’t in this world.” He kissed the corner of her mouth, and then left before he’d do something they’d both regret.


to be continued…

Chapter 5


Time wasn’t moving fast enough for Buffy. Sighing, she glanced at the clock again. It was only fifteen minutes later than it was before. Rolling over, she buried her face in the pillow while once again wishing she were home in her apartment. Not only home, but in her own bed with the down comforter, the big fluffy pillows that always surrounded her and the nightlight giving a reassuring glow throughout the room. The unfamiliar noises coming from both outside and inside the house along with the sounds of other people moving around close by made her jump with each jarring cough, laugh or even the subtle rhythm of their voices. It made it hard to sleep any place other than her bed.

Eventually she was going to have to make an appearance downstairs or even stick her nose of her room so they would know she was all right. Right now, though she would rather hide as long as possible. Not because she didn’t like the people she was sequestered with, but rather that she wanted to avoid one person. Spike. Along with all the confusing emotions he brought to her heart and mind. It was wrong for her to want him still. Yet her body only needed to be close to him to have it jumpstart into a warm sensual haze. She loved him. No matter how much she tried, it couldn’t be avoided. Unlike her overwhelming feelings, Spike on the other hand, would be avoided as much as possible.

A gentle knock on the door made her flop over on her back so she could peek at the door from under the scratchy material someone called sheets. “Yes,” she called out softly, hoping she’d been mistaken.

“Buffy, can I come in?”

It was Cassie. At first Buffy felt disappointment that Spike wasn’t there to check up on her. Then there was relief that she didn’t have to face him after that declaration last night. What did a girl say to a man she desperately wanted when he was engaged to another woman but was giving you signals that he wanted you, too? Nothing that would bring about any good, so it all came back to avoidance. Cassie knocking on the door granted her a little more time of being able to avoid everyone else.

“Sure.” Buffy scooted up so that she was sitting with her back against the headboard. Cassie stepped through the door with a shy smile. A steaming mug in her hands sent the rich scent of coffee toward Buffy. She grinned. “I hope that’s for me.”

“I wasn’t sure how you took it, but the others told me. I hope that you like it.”

“I’m sure I will.” Buffy took the mug, holding it under her nose for a moment before taking a sip. “Mmmh, perfect. Thank you.” When she realized that Cassie was waiting for something, Buffy patted the bed next to her. “Sit…if you want.”

“Thanks.”

For a couple of minutes there was silence between the two girls. Buffy drank her coffee, while Cassie played with the corner of the bedspread. Folding it, and then unfolding it.

“What’s everyone doing?”

It wasn’t what either of them wanted to talk about, but Buffy knew it was a beginning. Something easy until one of them got the nerve up to say what was truly on their mind.

“All worrying about you.” Cassie met Buffy’s eyes for a brief second before looking back at her hands still playing with the bedclothes. “Spike keeps pacing and glancing at the ceiling. Kate tells him to calm down, but then she gets this scrunched up face. Lorne keeps telling everyone to leave the Cupcake alone; she’ll come down when she’s ready.”

Buffy laughed, but quickly sobered. She rubbed her forehead. Worrying them wasn’t her intention, but a part of her knew that they would. They always did. “I shouldn’t have stayed up here. I just wanted to, well, hide. From all of it.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault.” Buffy squeezed Cassie’s shoulder. “I’m just not really good at dealing with quick changes in my life. As my therapist would say, I like very solid, very high boundaries. Jumping off the cliff is not my thing. It’s the way I mess things up.” Like my relationship with Spike. Except that wasn’t jumping off the cliff. That was a carefully calculated move that had escalated to the point where she jumped off the cliff. By the time she’d hit bottom, she’d lost what meant the most to her in the world.

“I know that feeling.” Cassie said, flashing a rare smile. “All I wanted was to be loved, and jumped at the first guy who said I was the best thing in the world, and now look at me.”

“You’re doing the right thing now.”

Cassie shrugged. “Am I? All I wanted was to run away. Like you said, hide, but instead I get you and your friends involved.”

“He would have found you if you’d try to run on your own.”

“Probably.” Cassie shifted on the bed so that she was looking toward Buffy. “No, he would have and I would be dead.” Tears welled up in her eyes. “I don’t think he ever loved me. I was just someone for him to play with until things got difficult.”

“I know its cliché, but you’re better off without him. Once this is over you’ll be able to start a new life, and find someone who’ll love you the way you deserve.”

“I guess.” Cassie shrugged. “I should feel lucky. Some people don’t get that chance. Like that guy Luke killed. He’s never going to be able to do anything again.”

“You’re right.” She was, and Buffy knew it. Buffy also knew that she should be grateful that at least she’d been really loved at one time. Few got that chance. “We should feel lucky. It is a shame that some people just blow their chances.” Like me. She sighed softly. “At least his death will be avenged.”

“Oh, please,” Cassie scoffed. “The cops are after my boyfriend’s bosses. They couldn’t care less about the guy who was murdered. They think he deserved what he got.”

“The cops have all the information you gave them on him. I’m sure they’re going to find out what happened.”

Cassie emphatically shook her head. “No, they won’t. When they questioned me, it was all about Luke and his bosses. They finally hope they have a lead on who is bringing the drugs into the country that the poor boy is forgotten in the plan for a big bust.”

“He was a drug dealer, Cassie.” Buffy reminded the girl beside her. “Lots of people were hurt by him, too. Possibly even died. Does he really deserve a lot of attention when they can stop the people who gave him the drugs in the first place?”

“At some point in his life, he was important to someone. Someone who might still be waiting for him to get clean and come home. They’ll be waiting forever if nobody gives a damn. Is it fair to them?”

No, it wasn’t. Just like it wasn’t fair to forget about Faith. Unwittingly, Cassie had used the one point that Buffy wouldn’t be able to resist. She sighed as she pushed her hair out of her face. The decision was made. The cops could handle the big criminals, but it seemed like Buffy was going to be finding out about the murdered boy. Now, all she had to do was convince Spike to help her. It was only with his help and connections that she had any chance of getting to the truth. She took a long drink of her now cool coffee as she tried to decide how to approach him.

~~~~~~

Buffy had all of Spike’s attention even though she was nowhere in sight. Since the night before when he’d foolishly put his heart on the line, she’d been consuming his every thought. He wanted to talk to her, to find out where he stood, to find out if she gave a damn and it wasn’t just a one-way obsession.

Guilt bombarded him on every side. Reminding him that he had a fiancée waiting for him, and that he shouldn’t be thinking about Buffy. Or remembering the way she felt or her smile or even her innocent questions as she fumbled her way back into life. The whole situation was fucked up. Just like he was.

Despite all the women he once paraded through his life, the relationships that failed all around him and all his protestations to the contrary, Spike wanted to be loved. From the time he knew his father wouldn’t, and his mother couldn’t, he’d felt less than worthy of it. It was only Angel and Cordelia’s steady support in his life that gave him that thread to hang onto for the hope of finding someone. Now, he had someone.

True, in the beginning, Fred had just been like the others. A friend with benefits and no talk of a future before they drifted apart. Then Buffy had changed his world, his life, made him believe for the first time and then broke his heart. It was just like before, except this time Fred had been more than a friend. She’d loved him, and he wanted to love her like she should be with all of his heart. An innocent in his stupid fumbling attempts to repair his shattered ego was only going to end up hurt.

Laying his head on the back of the chair, he tossed the book he’d tried to read on the floor. It wasn’t going to work. He wasn’t going to be distracted by it or anything else in this house. Not until he saw Buffy again. Maybe he’d see the distaste in her eyes when she looked at him. It would help because if she did then he could call himself all sorts of a fool for caring when he shouldn’t. Not when she stopped loving him a long time ago.

Why did he answer his phone when Buffy called? Why couldn’t he let go of her? It was what they’d both agreed to once, but now she was in his life full force again. Being with her should only remind him of all the reasons they couldn’t work. It should make him realize that he needed a grown woman who knew what she wanted. Yet, it didn’t.

“Spike?”

He jerked his head up as Buffy stepped into the room. She was freshly showered. Her damp hair tumbled over her shoulders in abandoned sensuality. The scent of her shampoo teased his nostrils with its sweetness. It was one thing that was always Buffy to him. The varied fragrances of her bath time rituals always left him wanting to bury his face against the softness of her skin. He inhaled deeply, deciding that this time it was melon mixed with something else, making him imagine long lazy summer days lying in the sun with her beside him.

“You okay?” She asked, coming to sit on the ottoman by his feet.

“Yeah…yeah, I’m fine.” He shook his head trying to dispel the wayward thoughts that would only lead to trouble for both of them. “What’s up?”

“I need your help.”

A warning bell went off in his mind at the frightened, yet steely expression on her face. Just like the first time she walked into the squad room. He knew it was going to be something he wouldn’t want to do or it was going to embroil them in a situation they should leave well enough alone.

“With what?”

Sighing, he knew his heart had betrayed him. Because if he was smart, he would say no, and keep saying no, but for some reason he sat there. Waiting like a dog for a treat from his master. Or someone waiting for an excuse to engage in activities that he shouldn’t. Buffy was temptation all by herself. So, how could he resist her, much less any of her schemes?

“I’ve been talking to Cassie.” She looked at him from under her lashes with her hair framing her face in delicate golden strands. The ethereal vision she made hit him in the stomach with all the love he’d been denying. Gripping his knees with white knuckled hands, he waited for her to continue. He was afraid if he opened his mouth, he’d end up on his knees begging her to love him again. “She’s worried that the man who Luke murdered will remain a John Doe. No one should end up like that.”

“Buffy, this is something the police will handle.” He said with all the patience that he would when explaining things to his nephew, Connor. “The only thing you need to worry about is getting through all of this, and getting home safely.”

“Bullshit, Spike.” Buffy tossed her hair back while her eyes danced with a blaze of determination. Her outright curse was unexpected, surprising him with its vehemence. Despite his heart, it reminded him that he didn’t really know this version of the girl who changed his life. “No one is going to care. They want to bust the big guys not solve the one little murder of an addict. You’re a cop. You know I’m right.”

“Maybe, you are, but it’s not your concern. Peterson was locked up when you searched for Faith. These guys aren’t. They’ll kill you without a second thought if you’re lucky. If you’re not then you’ll wish you were.”

“Not anymore, Spike.” She quieted, staring into his eyes, capturing his attention with their intensity. “I lived through hell before. So, don’t try to scare me…or patronize me. A little computer searching won’t hurt anyone. That’s all I want to do. Someone has to care that he’s gone.”

“And if no one does?”

“Then I do.”

If she did, then he did. Spike hung his head. He shouldn’t help her with this crazy idea, but it was Buffy. With a nod, he whispered, “Okay. I’ll help.” He glanced up at her waiting for a smug expression of triumph, but instead was surprised. She was smiling. A full one that highlighted the twinkle of delight dancing from her eyes. Oh, she was triumphant all right, but it seemed that it surprised her that she was able to do it. He found himself grinning back and shaking his head at the wonder of Buffy coming even more into her own. No matter what he thought he wanted, or what was right, his heart was making up its own mind.

To be continued…

Chapter 6



Buffy smiled in triumph at using her inept feminine wiles. Somehow, those inexperienced and virtually untried charms managed to convince Spike to help her on her newest quest. She wanted to shout her victory to anyone that would listen. It was a step forward for her in this game that was played between men and women. Maybe there was hope for her to win one day, but then she saw the expression on Spike’s face.

Confusion, mixed with a little fear was clearly written for anyone to read on the perfection of his face. Until only a couple of days ago, they’d done everything they could to avoid each other. There wasn’t any reason for them to speak, much less work together on finding another lost soul. She wasn’t sure of why he was feeling the way he was, but it brought pain to her own heart. Without thinking if it was right or wrong of her to touch him, she covered his hand with her own.

Her thumb lightly caressed the familiar heat of his skin, and what started as an innocent gesture became more. She slid her fingers between his until they were interlocked together. His eyes closed at the contact followed a second later with a shiver of desire. The intensity behind the motion was reflected in her own body.

“I appreciate you helping me out.” Buffy pulled back, tucking both hands inside the sleeves of her sweatshirt. She was uncomfortable, unsure of how to proceed now that the temporary easiness between them had passed into something more. A part of her wanted to throw herself into his arms and declare her need for him; but there was the other part, the logical part, which reminded her that he’d chosen another person to love. To keep from making a fool of herself she added, “It might make the time pass a little more quickly here.”

“Hard to be cooped up?”

“Yeah.” Buffy stared at the floor between her feet. Although this confinement was for her own safety, not having a choice about it was battering at her defenses. Having something to concentrate on, and the companionship of her friends, especially Spike, would be the only thing to keep her together. She shrugged. “I used to prefer being in the house all the time, but now I like…going outside.”

Spike cupped her face. It was a sudden gesture that made her look up at him in surprise. She told herself that he was only comforting her as she had done for him a few moments before. Yet the heat was there and if things were different, the way it should be, it would end with him holding her, taking her to bed so they could love each other until the doubts were all gone. A flash of a pretty brunette danced before her eyes, Fred, and she yanked away in guilt from the touch she was craving so much.

“I’m sorry,” he said, tilting his head as he tried to figure out what he’d done wrong.

“You should be,” she said a little more harshly than she intended. “You’re an engaged man.” She winced when she saw the anger replace the compassion.

“Stuck on yourself, aren’t you? I wasn’t trying to get laid, just thought you might need someone to care.” He leaned back in the chair, as far away from her as he could get without actually getting up and leaving. His head turned away from her so that she couldn’t read his expression. The crudity of his statement once would have hurt her, and in a small way it still did, but she wasn’t quite the innocent she used to be.

“Not really. I didn’t mean to…well,” hesitating, she sighed. “Sometimes it’s hard not to fall into old habits with you. That’s all.” All the times she was free to touch him, take and give comfort from him, why hadn’t she appreciated them more when they were hers? Suddenly standing, she wrapped her arms around her middle. She needed distance from him. From the feelings that were racing through her heart and body. “I appreciate you offering to help me out. We’ll need to get our hands on a computer to start with some research.”

“I’ll ask Lorne.” It was all he said as he stared off into the distance. There would be nothing more said. She was dismissed as far as he was concerned.

“Thanks,” she backed up toward the door, waving one hand toward the same. “I’m going to go find some food. So, um, I’ll catch up with you later.” Then she fled to anywhere she could find that didn’t have chiseled cheekbones, blue eyes, and hands that made her feel protected and loved.

~~~~~~~

Spike rubbed his hand over his mouth as he watched her leave. He wondered what the hell he was going to do. There was no way he could stay cooped up with that woman. Not only was his entire body humming in want, his cock was half-aroused just from that small contact. How was he going to be able to control himself while working closely with Buffy again?

It was why he’d avoided her so much since she’d returned from Seattle. Just to be in the same room with her was enough to make him go weak in the knees. He didn’t need anyone to tell him he was a fool for feeling that way about a woman who didn’t think he was enough to keep her happy. A wish to leave, so he could go find Fred and lose himself in her presence, pounded in his head.

Maybe if he could gaze upon the funny little smile, listen to the blunt way she had of saying things, and hold those lean curves of her body close to him, he could put Buffy away where she belonged…in a distant part of his heart and soul where she couldn’t haunt him. He wanted to look into Fred’s eyes and see the love that shone there for him.

Suddenly his brows furrowed as he tried to remember the last time he’d really seen that. Fred was always loving, kind, a true friend and a hellcat in bed, but when was the last time he’d looked into her face and seen that he was the only one? It had to be there. Of course it was. Only his own confusion and guilt was making him doubt his fiancée. Sighing, he pushed up from his chair. Thinking about the two women wasn’t going to do him any good. It was as good as any other time to find Lorne and have the fight of a lifetime.

~~~~~~~~

“No, no, no, absolutely not,” Lorne stated, refusing to look up from the book he was reading. The only physical response Spike got was a small wave of Lorne’s hand. “Go away and find something to entertain yourself.”

Spike snatched the book, tossing it onto a chair across the room. Except he missed and it bounced onto the floor.

“Look, Lorney, you don’t know Buffy like I do. She’s a pit-bull when it comes to getting her own way. If we just let her do some research on the guy, it will keep her busy, make her feel useful until we can get out of this hellhole.”

“And possibly keep your mind from thinking about getting into her pants?”

It was only the knowledge that Lorne was a good guy that kept Spike from punching his lights out. As it was, his hands were fisted and waiting for an excuse to do just that. Even if it was the truth.

“No, I don’t want to get in her pants,” Spike refuted. It was partial truth, he didn’t just want the sex, he wanted the whole thing when it came to Buffy. Or he did, a long time ago, until she’d decided to find her pleasures elsewhere. Just like Dru. He wasn’t enough. He sank down onto the ottoman in front of Lorne. “Look, come on, seriously what could it hurt?”

“Plenty if they realize that someone is looking for their former mule, do a little detective work themselves and trace the IP address to here. In conclusion, we all end up dead.”

“You’re such a pessimist.”

“A pessimist that is right, hot cross buns. We can’t give any kind of clues that we’re here.”

“Buffy is determined.”

“Well, then undetermine her. Give in to what you both want and keep her in bed the whole time.”

“Asshole.”

Lorne laughed. “The woman is head over heels with you and you’re the one who walked away from the best relationship you’d ever had.”

“That’s not true,” Spike whispered. “Buffy did.” At least Fred was true to him. She let him know she enjoyed the sex between them and she didn’t find him lacking enough to find someone else. “I wasn’t enough for Buffy.”

“You’re an idiot,” Lorne stated, leaning forward and putting his hand on Spike’s arm. “Buffy was eighteen and you were the only guy she’d ever been with. Besides…well, she deserved the chance to check out the other flavors in the ice cream parlor without you getting your panties in a twist.” He poked Spike in the shoulder. “And if I remember correctly, you agreed with that assumption. You didn’t even give her a chance to decide if she liked Spike in a waffle cone more than the other choices. You ran off with Fred.”

“If she’d loved me then she wouldn’t have had to…try,” he choked back a sob. The mere thought of Buffy wrapping her legs around another man made him physically ill. She was his. He covered his face.

Lorne rubbed his shoulder. “Spike, she was still a child when she left for Seattle. She came back a woman. Why can’t you forgive her for doing something that everyone else has done in that process? How many women have you taken into your bed? How many men has Fred been with? And neither of you were ever held as a sex slave and left with a fucked up sense of sexual sense. Face it, dude, you’re the one with the problem. Not Buffy.”

~~~~~~~

“Hey, Buffy, how much mayonnaise are you going to put on that piece of bread?”

Kate asked in a gentle joking voice. It did the trick. It broke Buffy out of the thoughts that were giving her waking nightmares. The game of ‘if only’ was a dangerous one. You couldn’t change things you had no control over. The only thing you could do was deal with the reality you were given. Dreams didn’t exist.

“I guess enough to clog my arteries for life,” Buffy joked as she placed the knife into the sink. “Sorry, I’ve got stuff on my mind.” She quickly added the turkey and cheese onto the bread before squishing it together. Grabbing the bag of chips, she joined Kate at the kitchen table.

“Is it Spike?”

“Who else?” Buffy shrugged. There wasn’t any reason to lie. Kate was privy to almost everything in her life since she’d moved back. Their friendship was strong. This time it was more as equals instead of adult and lost child. There were still a few things that were only told to Willow, but Kate could usually read between the lines and gave Buffy the space when she needed it.

“Did something new happen?” Kate reached into the bag of chips to grab a handful. She munched on a few while waiting for Buffy to answer.

“I can’t be around him without wanting to curl up in his arms.”

It was said. Now she could face the fact that she wanted him. Sex, fucking, making love, whatever you wanted to call it, Buffy wanted it with Spike. Not with any other man in the world, or at least the ones she’d known.

Kate smiled. “I take it that you’re not talking about cuddling.”

With a flush creeping over her face, Buffy ducked her head before mumbling, “Yeah, I’m not.”

“Have you told him?”

“No, of course not,” Buffy said in horror, looking at her friend. “He’s engaged.”

“To a woman he doesn’t even love.” Kate raised her hand before Buffy could protest. “They’re good together, even good friends, I guess the sex is good enough, but they don’t go together.” She sighed. “I probably shouldn’t be saying anything. You know how I feel though, he should be with you. End of story.”

“End of what story?” Spike asked from the doorway. He was leaning against the jamb with his hands shoved into his pockets.

“None of your business,” Kate said, smiling up at her friend. “It’s girl talk.”

“Then I don’t want to know.” Spike sat down at the table with them, grabbing a few chips from the bag. “I probably wouldn’t understand anyway.”


The anticipation was killing Buffy. She didn’t want to listen to their silly banter. There was business that was more important. “So, did you talk to Lorne?”

Spike didn’t even need to answer. His silence as he dusted the crumbs from his hands was enough, but she waited to hear the words.

“It’s a no, Buffy. He’s right and I should never have agreed. We can’t do anything to draw attention to ourselves. If when the sting operation is over the murdered man’s identity hasn’t been found, then I’ll help you. Until then we sit here like good little witnesses.”

“No,” Buffy declared, standing up to put her plate into the sink. She leaned back against it with her arms folded across her stomach. “You can sit here and twiddle your thumbs like a useless lump, but I’m not going to.”

Spike stood. “Yes, you will.”

“They could still find us, and we could still end up dead.” When he didn’t answer, she prompted, “Right?”

“Yes, a lot of things can happen, but that doesn’t mean we walk around with a target on our back.”

Buffy strode over to Spike until she stood nose to nose with him. “When you say a target do you mean maybe,” she snapped her fingers. “Oh, I don’t know something like a yellow cheerleading uniform or yellow underwear?”


to be continued…

Chapter 7



Spike stood stunned, not believing the comment that had just flown out of Buffy’s mouth. It wasn’t the same situation, yet he knew the danger that just being her could bring. Moreover, what it meant. His mind tried to reach back to the time that he could interpret the woman in front of him. All of her thoughts, feelings, and gestures, without long explanations on her part. However, he couldn’t. She wasn’t the same. She hadn’t been a woman then. She’d been a girl who’d just come out of hell. His head tilted as he contemplated his next move. He wanted to follow his instincts, pull her into his arms, and lovingly explain that he only wanted to keep her alive. He couldn’t do that either. So, he stood there like an idiot.

She loudly sighed, crossing her arms around her middle, and letting her hip jut out. Those eyes flashed like lightening across the ocean in the dead of night. God, she was full of passion, he realized while his heart constricted with a physical pain. Why didn’t he fight her? Why hadn’t he fought for her? Because he thought she deserved better than a broken down cop.

Now though, he knew he was in the right. He just needed to remain calm as he forced his brain to function.

“Pet, we can’t send out a beacon,” he explained. “I promise we’ll find out somehow or sometime, but only after we know we’re safe.”

“Buffy, its okay.” Cassie said. She was standing in the doorway. Her entry was so silent that Spike hadn’t even heard. “It was only a thought…that’s all.” She shrugged.

Maybe now Buffy would let it go, but he should have known better…should have known Buffy better than that.

“No, I want to make my own decisions. If I put myself in danger then I put myself in danger.” She paced the floor, quiet for a moment as if she was trying to figure things out in her mind. When she stopped, Spike steeled himself for her resolution. “I’ve lived in fear for ten years. Done the careful thing, things I was told that were for my own good. I left,” her eyes met Spike’s with a pain so deep that it rattled his soul. “I left Los Angles because supposedly it was the best thing to do. It wasn’t. If you won’t help me, then I’ll leave and do it on my own.”

Lorne stared at the floor, while Kate stood up, but Spike held up a hand to keep her from interfering. This was between them.

“No, you won’t leave. You’re a protective witness and we can incarcerate you if necessary to keep you from getting away.” It would be hard to do, but not impossible, so his threat was only half bullshit. He couldn’t stop her if she walked out that door. There would probably be enough evidence to convict Luke on drug charges without Buffy’s help or testifying. He just didn’t want her out there on her own, in danger, and without him.

She didn’t take it that way. She’d been imprisoned too many times before and his words were a challenge she couldn’t ignore despite the danger.

“Go to hell,” Buffy spat. “You don’t own me.”

“Yeah obviously.” Spike chuckled, letting his broken heart get in the way of any good sense he had. “Got that message with all those other men you ran around with, sweetheart.”

She took him by surprise when she turned and ran for the door. Everything hit him at the same time. Cursing his own stupidity, he managed to catch her by the waist before she could get the door open. She fought him…hard. Her elbow connected with his abdomen, forcing the breath from his body, while her foot came down on his instep with all the force she could muster. He wrapped his arms around her in a takedown maneuver. As he forced her to the floor, she dug her fingernails into whatever flesh of his that she could reach. It didn’t work, and he managed to pin her down. Her body became lax beneath him. Then she moaned deep in her throat. It was a sound that had haunted his nightmares even after all these years.

Spike rolled off her but kept a hold of her hand. “God Buffy, I’m sorry. I only want you to be safe. Please, just get through this and we’ll find out what we need.”

“I think you two need to stay away from one another for awhile.” Kate knelt beside Buffy, rubbing her back and then helping her to her feet. Buffy didn’t say anything, didn’t even acknowledge his existence. The two women left the room with Cassie tagging along behind them.

Spike continued to lie on the floor, feeling like shit.

“Well, that went well, didn’t it?” Lorne stood over Spike, holding his hand out to help his partner up. “Maybe you should have let Kate or I tell her, because that little dramatic scene didn’t help the situation between the two of you at all.”

Spike grabbed his friend’s hand, letting his friend help him stand. He wasn’t ready to accept that Lorne was probably right. Everything he did these days was the wrong thing concerning Buffy. He hung his head, staring at the floor for a moment before he looked back up.

“Yeah, you’re right. Maybe it’s just best that I stay away from her.” Suddenly he laughed. “Not that it has done any good in the last few months.” He ran a hand through his hair. “Lorne, what do I do?”

“Already told you that, but you’re too terrified to accept the fact that you’re worth loving and that little lady out there is the one you’re supposed to be with for the rest of your life.” Before Spike could use his usual excuse about his engagement with Fred, Lorne continued. “You need to break it off with Fred. Then sit down and talk to Buffy.”

With that, Lorne left the room, leaving Spike alone with his own thoughts. Including the guilt and confusion over what he’d been doing since that afternoon at Angel’s house. He ran his hand over his face. It was time to stop lying to himself, accept the truth, and maybe just maybe his life would get back to where it was supposed to be.

~~~~~~

Buffy paced the floor, more pissed than she’d ever been in her life. She couldn’t believe that Spike was acting like some Neanderthal. It was ridiculous. She was a grown woman, not some little girl…or some object to be told what to do or say. Maybe if he hadn’t talked down to her, she wouldn’t have gotten so bent out of shape. Why couldn’t he see who she was now, instead of the little girl who needed rescuing? And how dare he threaten to keep her here? No one would ever do that to her again.

“Buffy, you need to calm down,” Kate said gently. “Spike is Spike.”

“What does that mean?” Buffy stopped, hands on her hip as she glared at her friend. “Does it mean that he can just be a pig?”

“He’s a good man,” Cassie interjected.

“I know.” Buffy sighed, and plopped down into a side chair. “Sometimes I just want to strangle him and other times…well, you know. Everything is wrong.”

“I’m sorry. If I hadn’t come to you for help, none of this would be happening.”

Kate patted Cassie’s knee, flashing a comforting smile. “You know, actually this might be a good thing. It’s forcing them to face the problem instead of skirting around it. Maybe things will get settled once and for all between them.”

“Yeah, we’ll kill each other.”

It wasn’t what Buffy wanted. When Spike’s arms were around her, forcing her to the ground, she’d moaned, but it wasn’t one of pain. It was one of desire. She wished she could have turned to him, wrapping arms and legs around him while he drugged her with kisses. For a moment, she forgot where she was while she got lost in a fantasy of a passion that she’d never forgotten. Of hands that stroked her to a place where only he existed, where her body became an instrument of pleasure and not abuse. Only he could take her there, and if only he would talk to her then he would know that.

“Buffy, you okay?”

It was Lorne, kneeling next to her chair. He wrapped his hand around hers, squeezing it as he tried to comfort her. Buffy almost blushed as he pulled her out of her lust induced state. Instinctively, her legs squeezed together to try to ease the ache between them. Forcing herself back to the present, she squeezed Lorne’s hand.

“Yeah, I’m fine. I’m angry at him, but what else is new?”

“Give the little hot buns a break, okay? He’s all confused.”

“He’s acting like a big jerk.”

“Don’t all men at some time?” Kate asked, with a playful note to her tone. “Come on, forgive him and then we can get to the main entertainment of the evening.”

“What would that be?” Cassie asked. “More cards or more television?”

The other three laughed, because it was the truth. The confinement was beyond boring. Buffy had to admit the earlier scene with Spike was probably the most excitement they’d had in a few days. She rolled her eyes as she stood up.

“Okay, I give.”

No one said anything as she left the room, making her way back to the kitchen. She hesitated in the doorway. Spike was sitting at the table with his face buried in his hands. It should never have gotten this far. She should have chased him down that night and forced him to listen to the truth. But he’d always been her hero, and if he thought her a whore then maybe she was one. Her therapist in Seattle didn’t think she was one, nor did Cordelia. It was that talk with Cordy that had given her the courage to tell Spike everything and why. Unfortunately, he’d overheard, assumed he knew the whole tale, and it had been the end of them.

“Spike?” She spoke softly as she approached the table, sliding into the chair across from him. “I’m sorry. You’re right.”

He didn’t say anything, didn’t look up…nothing. Buffy reached over and took his hands in hers so she could pull them down. She wanted to see his face. See what he was feeling. It wasn’t pretty. Torment was the only thing she saw.

“I hurt you.”

“No, you didn’t.”

“I still have nightmares about…,” he blinked a few times. “About that day. About so many things.”

“So, do I. A lot of regrets, too.” Buffy confessed. She couldn’t look at him and see the repulsion in his eyes. Their hands still linked; she enjoyed the warmth and feeling of strength they gave her. She loved the man with all her heart. “I’m sorry, too. You were right. We just have to lie low until this thing is over with and the bad guys are caught. Guess I just got caught up in the whole wanting to help Cassie.”

“That’s not a bad thing, Buffy. You have a big heart, and you’re going to do a lot of good things in this world. Don’t apologize for that, but keeping Cassie and you safe is our top priority.”

“I know.” Buffy smiled. “Cross my heart, I’ll listen to what you tell me to do.”

“Oh yeah?” Spike grinned with a twinkle in his eyes that sent a tingle of desire through her body and pooling in the most intimate of places. “Kind of like a game of ‘Simon Says’?”

Buffy pulled her hands back. “Only in your dreams, buster.”

“Hmm, not from what I remember, Luv.”

Spike’s eyes grazed over her body with a hunger that only made her panties wetter. Everything seemed to go in slow motion as her body made its own decision. Buffy planted her hands on the table, leaning across toward Spike. He stared at her, not stopping her but not encouraging her either. She hesitated when their lips were almost touching. He would respond if she continued. The fire would blaze out of control if she let it. She stared deep into his eyes, letting every emotion she felt for him be exposed.

Before she could make a decision, Spike reached up, tangling his hands in her hair. Her eyes fluttered closed as she waited for him to close the gap between them. After months of loneliness, gnawing pain, and a sexual need that couldn’t be satisfied by any other means, she was going to finally have him again. Spike’s lips touched hers, soft as a butterfly at first. Buffy sighed in satisfaction. This was where she belonged, and she was finally going to be home.

A crash in the front room made them both freeze, and then Lorne came hurrying into the room.

“We’ve got trouble…”


to be continued…

Chapter 8


The look on Lorne’s face made Spike’s blood run cold. In one movement he was up, sending the chair flying out behind him. It hit the cabinets with a crash loud enough to make Buffy jump. Keeping her safe screamed through him leaving no room for any other thoughts. He grabbed her, making her yelp in surprise. Even as he was reaching for his gun with one hand he was pushing her behind him with the other.

“Hit the floor,” Kate’s voice echoed to them from the general direction of the living room.

They did. Buffy was laying beneath Spike. He could feel the rise and fall of her torso as she panted in fear of a threat that neither of them knew. Wanting to comfort her, he caressed her side with small gentle strokes of his fingers. Although she didn’t say a word, her hands were tangled in his shirt, hanging on to him with a faith that he hoped he could live up to in the end.

“What the bloody hell is going on?”

“There’s a car cruising the street outside. Cassie recognizes the sound of the engine from one that frequented Luke’s place.”

“Is she safe?”

“Yeah, I’ve got her in the hallway,” Kate responded. “But we’ve got to get out of here.”

Spike leaned down to whisper in Buffy’s ear. “We’re going to crawl into the main hallway, stay down, don’t lift your head.”

“Okay.”

The wavering in her voice made him pray that she wouldn’t panic. It was something they didn’t have time to deal with now. A plan needed to be formulated quickly. If that was one of Luke’s goons out there, then they could be ambushed at any moment. Lorne was ahead of them, his gun pointed at the window until he was lying halfway across the living room.

“Go, Buffy,” Spike said, patting her leg. He knew Lorne would use his body to protect his girl until she was out of open firing range. The three moved quickly until they were all in the central hallway. Out of sight of any windows or doors.

“How did they find us?” Cassie asked. She was shaking with fear, and proudly Spike watched Buffy go to her and hold her with more confidence then he knew Buffy had at the moment.

“There’s a lot of ways.” Lorne looked almost green as the full implications sunk in. “More than likely they’ve got someone on the inside leaking information.”

“Okay guys, back to the matter of getting us out of here,” Kate, unlike Lorne, looked poised and ready for action. “That minivan out there isn’t exactly made for speed…”

“But it’s common enough that it will get lost in traffic,” Spike interrupted. “We’ve got to get the girls out there and hope to god that we can at least get a head start.”

“Wouldn’t it be better if we split up?” Buffy spoke up. “Make it harder for this guy to follow us.”

“No!” Spike replied, staring into her eyes. He didn’t want to admit it, but she was right. Unfortunately.

“Look, I can leave with Lorne,” Kate said. “Hope they think I’m Cassie and follow us. We’ll call the Captain and have him send someone trustful to get you guys.”

“No way, sweet cakes that you’re going to pass for Cassie.” Lorne wasn’t being rude but he was staring at Kate’s chest that was obviously too large to pass as Cassie’s petite form.

“She can’t, but I can,” Buffy offered in a tentative voice.

“No way.” There wasn’t anyway Spike was going to put Buffy into any more danger than was absolutely necessary. In his opinion, they just needed to take a chance on all of them leaving and now. “I say we make a go for it. Call the Captain, tell him what’s going on and get a new safe house.”

“You’re going soft,” Kate replied, with steely eyes. She was still holding her gun in firing position while kneeling in front of the other two women. Spike could tell there were no thoughts in her head except those of doing the best thing for all of them and doing it fast. “Don’t let your emotions cloud your judgment.” She paused, but barely for a second. “Look, I don’t want to put anyone in danger but Buffy is right. She can pass for Cassie. Take her and the minivan as a decoy. The Captain will put a tail on you to keep you safe while someone else comes here to get us. Cassie is the least expendable in this position.”

“The woman is right,” Lorne agreed. He turned to Cassie and Buffy. “Cassie, give Buffy an outfit of yours…something unique that Luke would recognize and do something with her hair that you would. Move it, we don’t have much time.”

Buffy quickly glanced at Spike, eyes wide with fear, but yet with the trust that she always put in him. He couldn’t look away. All he could do was stare into those emerald pools that promised so much. A discreet cough from Kate finally broke through their locked gazes. Buffy nodded, and then turned to crawl toward the stairway with Cassie right behind her.

“Stay down and out of sight,” Lorne called. Buffy raised a hand to signal that she understood as they reached the top of the steps.

Once the two girls were gone, Spike turned to his partners and friends. “I don’t think it’s a good idea that I’m the one to take Buffy out of here.” How could he explain that there was no way he could be alone with her without falling into temptation? There was too many things unsaid and too many feelings still unexpressed between them. If they gave in to those feelings the results wouldn’t be good for either of them. Both of them would end up hurt, because despite the almost slip in the kitchen, he was determined to remain in his relationship with Fred. He sighed. “Lorne, you take her.”

“No,” Kate said immediately. “Look, I know what you’re going through, but if one of us takes her then you’re going to be constantly worried about her. No matter what you say, we all know it’s true. You being distracted won’t help the situation with Cassie. It will only put her into more danger because you can’t concentrate.”

“Plus old buddy, the only reason you got involved in this case was because of Buffy.”

They both had a point. Points that were true and valid. Spike closed his eyes for a moment wishing that things were different. He was going to have to take Buffy out of here as a decoy and keep them both safe, but keeping her out of harm’s way didn’t worry him as much as keeping her out of trouble. After saying a quick prayer, he turned to the other two. “Okay, we’ll take the minivan. Get that goon out there to start following us. Lorne, go ahead and call the Captain. Get him to send someone out here to pick the three of you up as soon as the coast is clear.”

“Gets bossy, doesn’t he?” Kate commented with a small smile, but Spike could tell she agreed. So was Lorne, who was pulling out his cell phone. Knowing that someone could be listening in, Spike crawled on his belly into the living room and turned the television almost to full volume. Hopefully, it would block the conversation Lorne was making to the Captain’s private cell. They wouldn’t risk that the phones back at the station weren’t bugged. Someone had found them too easily.

Spike continued to crawl the perimeter of the house to see if he could see the coast was clear. Although he couldn’t make a complete observance of everything and everyone, from what he could tell there was no one waiting to ambush them. He was anxious to get out of there. They weren’t safe any longer, and he didn’t want to get into a gunfight. He wasn’t just worried about Buffy, but also about Cassie. As far as he was concerned, she was an all right kid that had gotten mixed up with the wrong man. She wasn’t the first one, as his mind went back to the too short time he’d had with Buffy. Shaking his head, he headed back for the hallway.

“Did you get a hold of Roberts?”

“Yes,” Lorne nodded. “He’s agreed to the plan. An unmarked car is moving into position around the corner to tail you and Buffy to safety. He said for you to give him a call once you get on the road. He’ll tell you where to go.”

“What about the three of you?”

“As soon as you two, hopefully, have got Luke’s man following you then they’re going to send in a car for us. Captain is going to have us taken somewhere else.”

“I’m ready.” Buffy was scooting on her butt down the stairs. Spike studied the changes the girls had made. Her hair was hanging in waves over her shoulders. He blinked as he realized what happened. They’d cut it off. It barely touched her shoulders forcing a shudder of mourning through him. He’d loved her hair, playing with it, the way it shone in the sun as if it was a part of the star, and most of all, the way it would tickle across his skin when they made love. No, he couldn’t think like that.

A hand came down on his shoulder. It was Lorne with a sympathetic look on his face. Spike needed to pull himself together. Buffy wasn’t his anymore. They were in a dangerous place and he needed to be a cop. Not a lover or even the dreamer he was becoming. With a shake of his head, he reached a hand out to Buffy to cup her face.

“Listen to what I tell you. Don’t ask questions; just do as you’re told. Do you understand?”

“Yes, Spike.” Buffy added a nod to emphasize her willingness to obey him.

“All right. We’re going to crawl to the garage, get in the minivan. While we’re pulling out, duck down, but when we hit the street I want you come up just a little. Enough for them to see the wavy hair and the blouse you’re wearing. The moment I tell you to get down, then get down.”

“I already said that I’d do what you said.”

Buffy looked indignant that he would repeat orders. He almost smiled at her rebelliousness. He didn’t though. He gave a curt nod before turning to Lorne.

“Good luck and stay safe.” They shook hands, and then Spike turned to Kate, who he gave a quick kiss on the cheek. “Keep Cassie and yourself alive. Promise?”

“Hey, I plan on dancing at your wedding.” Kate replied, with a wink. It was evident that she meant Buffy, but Spike just shook his head. No matter what his friends thought, it wasn’t going to happen.

“Let’s go.”

Spike headed off toward the garage knowing Buffy was right behind him. His skin tingled with the acknowledgement while his heart thudded in a hasty rhythm. If only things were different. They weren’t. He pushed it from his mind yet again.

Moving to his knees, he stopped at the door to the garage with his gun pulled and ready. Buffy hesitated, shifting to a squat so she would be able to hasten to the van when he told her it was time. Satisfied she was ready, Spike slowly pushed the door open before standing and stepping warily into the garage. It was safe. He signaled to Buffy. She didn’t disappoint. She was in the van by the time he was buckling his seatbelt. After doing the same, she bent over so that she couldn’t be seen from the outside.

He could hear her even breathing as she went through her relaxation technique. “It’ll be okay, pet. I won’t let anything happen to you.”

“I know. You’re my angelic hero.”

It was a whisper, but her words hit him in the gut with the power of a sledgehammer. Memories flooded over him of the very beginning of their relationship. Back when he was sure of her love for him even if at the time he’d felt it was misdirected. How did things get so fucked up? Knowing the answer already, he turned the key in the ignition and pushed the button to open the garage. A glance in the rearview mirror told him that there was nothing behind him. He hit the gas pedal, letting the tires squeal. They wanted the bad guys to know they were leaving so he played it for all it was worth.

It paid off. When he reached the stop sign at the corner, a car was moving around a corner and toward them. The chase was on. Thankfully, there would be back up in case of trouble. He turned the corner, spotting a car that most likely held the other officers to help them.

“Okay Buffy, come up just a little so the guy following us can get enough of a peek to think its Cassie.”

She did as she was told. From the outside her hair and back could be seen. Spike smiled as the car continued to follow them. Suddenly, Buffy uttered a small scream followed by her hand wrapping around his wrist with a grip tight enough to leave bruises.

“Spike, oh my god, the guy in that car is dead.”

She turned back toward the car again as his foot let up on the accelerator. He was going to look for himself, but he couldn’t get beyond the terror on Buffy’s face.

“There’s blood pouring down his face. Oh god why?” she managed to whimper before her voice broke on a sob.

“Shit,” Spike uttered, as he pressed his foot down on the gas pedal again. The car with the bad guy was gaining on them, and their only protection was gone. Somehow Luke’s minions were ahead of them, and they were on their own.


to be continued…

Chapter 9



The hot, sticky, metallic stench of blood filled her nostrils. Only just a memory of another time brought forth from the vision of the dead police officer, but it was as real to her as if she was huddled beside him. She whimpered, still clutching Spike’s wrist while her eyes filled with tears of a sadness that never quite left her alone. The only thing keeping her from falling apart was the man whose arm she was holding hard enough to bruise.

Suddenly, the van lurched forward as the car hit them from behind. Spike uttered a curse as he fought for control of the vehicle. Needing to know whom they were fighting, she turned around to look straight into eyes that were almost demonic in the malice directed at them. Unable to pull her eyes away, she felt a shiver run through her body as she continued to stare. Bile rose in her throat, but she still couldn’t stop staring at the monster. She felt like the helpless fourteen-year-old she’d once been.

“Get down,” Spike barked, pushing at her shoulder.

Automatically obeying his command she slid down onto the floorboard where he directed. The heat of the engine came through the floorboards, burning through her jeans. It made her think of the cellar where she once dwelled. The place where she prayed for death to end the nightmare. She trembled while wiping away tears of frustration and fear.

The van turned a corner, brakes squealing, and slamming Buffy’s head into the dashboard. Somehow, it broke through the emotions that were holding her prisoner. In an instant, the despair was gone and anger swept through her with a fury that left no room for any other feeling.

In a second she remade the decision that she wasn’t going to be a victim again. If she were going to die then she would go down fighting. She grabbed the gun from under Spike’s leg even as she shifted to her knees.

“What the hell are you doing?” Spike asked, never taking his eyes from the road.

“Going to shoot the bastard if he tries to shoot us,” Buffy said, taking the safety off.

“Do you know how to use a gun?”

“Yes, Charles used to take me to the gun range so that I could get comfortable with it. I’m pretty good if you ask me.”

She glanced up at him to find him fighting a smile despite the mention of the man she’d dated in Seattle. It made her believe everything was going to be okay. Not just at this moment, but also in the future. “Okay Clyde, you drive, I’ll keep us covered.”

“Pet, Bonnie and Clyde were bad guys.”

“Oh, guess we don’t want that…okay, you’re Staebler.”

Spike chuckled. “I guess that makes you Benson. Let’s get out of here.”

Buffy made a quick sweep of their surroundings. They were heading for the highway. A meager amount of hope flared. This would give them the ability to reach the speed that might allow them to lose the car behind them. The engine roared when Spike pushed the accelerator down. She trusted him implicitly with her life. She turned her gaze to the car that was following them, its muffler roaring as it tried to keep up. However the van, pushed beyond it’s capabilities by her savior, was slowly taking the lead.

“I don’t think he’s going to start shooting on the highway,” Spike said, swerving around a slower moving car. He glanced in the rearview mirror. “We’re losing him anyway.”

He was trying to make her feel safe. She didn’t move from her position. Not that she didn’t trust Spike. She did, but she knew the depths that demon possessed men could go, and until she could no longer see the other car she wasn’t turning around.

“Where are we going?”

“Some place where we can hide until I can get a hold of the Captain.”

“What if it was someone within the department?” Buffy asked. “Oh god, what if somebody got to the others?”

Their eyes locked as they contemplated that their friends might not have made it. A horn blasting forced Spike’s attention back to driving. It left her feeling bereft. Once again, she went on alert for a sign of the car. She didn’t see it. Maybe they were safe. If they were safe then maybe, just maybe, the others were safe, too. She settled back into the seat, still holding tightly onto the gun, and watching in the small mirror on her door.

“Can we find out?”

“Evening news, lamb.”

“We aren’t going to contact anyone?”

“Later. After we know if it makes the news,” he paused. “Or if our friends do,” he finally added so softly she almost didn’t hear him.

He didn’t to elaborate. She knew by ‘they’, Spike meant their friends. A part of her was retreating into the blind blankness of her existence after her kidnapping. She’d never told anyone of those days. The girl and the life she’d created in her mind that was so much better than reality. She only discovered the beauty of living after she found Spike again. She laid her hand on his thigh, drinking in the warmth of his body, the ripple of his muscles as he moved from the gas pedal to the brakes, and the memory of how it felt without the soft denim between their them.

~~~~~~

He didn’t say anything as he eased onto the exit. The hand resting on his thigh was playing havoc with his senses. She needed the physical link to keep her emotionally intact. He needed her to remove it so that he could keep his focus where it needed to be for them to survive. Hopefully, their follower hadn’t spotted them when he pulled off the highway. Just in case they were still following and he couldn’t hear the rumbling engine of the old Pontiac or see it’s ancient green paint in the mirror, he took off on several side roads, winding through a seedier part of LA with the determination of going through a maze.

Eventually satisfied that no one human could have kept up with his manic wandering, Spike headed toward a private garage where his beloved Desoto was kept. She still ran. He just kept her in a loving environment so that she would never become a broken down piece of junk. Now he needed her to change their method of transportation.

Buffy never asked or said a word as he pulled into the four-level cement building. Neither did she remove her hand. It was only as he stopped at the third level and put the minivan into park that she reacted. It terrified him when she turned to him with a blank stare as if she wasn’t even there.

“You okay?”

“Uh-huh,” she answered with a nod. “I’m fine.”

Even her voice was distant from him. “Come on, Olivia, it’s time to do some undercover work for a change,” he joked, hoping to bring her back from wherever she was hiding.

“What’s the plan?”

“Come on,” he said, climbing out of the van. “It’s time for the old switcheroo.”

It had to be curiosity forcing Buffy to follow him. He didn’t care what was motivating her just as long as she was with him. It didn’t take long to roll up the metal door to the stall that held his car. He watched the look of nostalgia wash over Buffy’s face. She looked happy to see the Desoto. Her hand glided across the hood with affection.

“You like the old car?”

“She was with me in my first days of freedom.”

Spike nodded. “Yes, she was, wasn’t she?”

Suddenly, the ensuing years since that time disappeared, and it was the way it used to be. It felt good. No, not good, but more like the way it should be. He smiled. Yeah, this was good; he had to admit, as Buffy returned his grin.

“Come on, let’s get our baby out of there and park the minivan.”

“Let’s,” Buffy responded, holding her hand out to him.

“No, you’re not driving her,” Spike said, shaking his head. “I’ve never let anyone else drive.”

“Oh, come on, Spikey,” Buffy went to fling her hair behind her shoulder, but it wasn’t there.

They both froze as their situation was brought back to them with a thundering jolt. Then Spike tossed the keys to Buffy. It wasn’t any good to want to be with Buffy. They were in a dangerous situation and he was letting his feelings get in the way. She idled the car in the aisle while he parked the van and locked up the stall again. When he headed for the car, she slipped it into park and slid to the other side of the seat. She stared out the window with her hands on her lap. It didn’t take long to reach their destination.

A small hotel in the middle of a street full of garish shops featuring everything from the sleaziest porn shops to Chinese restaurants that weren’t half-bad. He quickly checked them in, got the keys and then took Buffy by the hand.

“Where are we going?” She asked as he led her back outside.

“Drugstore.”

“Uh, why?”

Buffy stumbled as he picked up speed. It didn’t slow him down. He, also, didn’t answer her because all he could think about was what going to the drugstore conjured for him. Not that they needed to go there. She was on the pill, after all.

“Stop,” Buffy begged, stopping completely. “Would you quit going like a maniac?”

“I’m not going like a bloody maniac.” He stepped back until they were standing toe-to-toe. “Look, we need to get off the street as soon as possible. The more we’re outside; the more likely we are to be spotted by one of Luke’s goons. Can we, please, do that without the big deal?”

“Sure, whatever,” she shrugged her shoulders before looking beyond him. She must have spotted the store on the corner because she moved around him and headed in the direction he’d originally been going. After throwing his arms wide and rolling his head, he took off after her. By the time he caught up, she was already in the store and collecting things in her arms.

Spike was relieved to notice that she had the right idea. Buffy had already grabbed some hair coloring. One that would make her a brunette, but then he started. She was also holding a kit for men.

“Hold on,” Spike said, grabbing it from her hands. “I’m not going to go blonde.”

“Hush,” Buffy whispered, looking around. “And yes, you are. This is what you wanted, right? To get some stuff to disguise us with? Or were you coming here for condoms? Thinking maybe you could just bed me the whole time we have to hide out?”

“Yes, yes, no and no,” Spike adamantly shook his head. “I told Lorne that, too. God, can’t I do anything to please you?”

“You did…once upon a time,” Buffy said, refusing to back down. “So, why don’t we get what we need and get back to our hotel rooms?”

They were bickering in the middle aisle of a drugstore in downtown Los Angeles with people watching them throw barbs back and forth with furious intent. An undercurrent was building to a crescendo between them and he didn’t know how to stop it. Already he was feeling the first twitches of his cock preparing to become an embarrassment if they continued in this manner. He sighed while running his hand through his hair.

“One room, Luv, I only got one room.”

“Oh just lovely,” Buffy muttered, rolling her eyes, but she didn’t say anything else. She gave him a withering look, before returning to her shopping. This time she just handed him things, and he took them without another word. Besides the hair colorings, she picked up basic toiletries and underwear for both of them, make up, and without looking at him threw a box of condoms on top.

Spike wasn’t about to say a word. He didn’t know what she had in mind, but he wasn’t going to draw attention to them again. Instead, he just followed her to the front and paid for their purchases. After grabbing the bags, he made her wait until he looked out the glass doors of the establishment to make sure no one was waiting for them, before motioning for her to follow him. Buffy made him stop at a small boutique that announced it sold both new and used clothing. He almost told her no, but realized they hadn’t brought anything with them. Only fifteen minutes went by before she made her way back to the counter. He paid for the stuff she’d picked up without even looking at it.

“Let’s go, “ Spike said, waiting this time for her to take the packages.

Neither said a word as they made their way up to their second floor room. He could tell she was getting nervous because she was getting twitchy. Something inside of him couldn’t resist the opportunity.

“So, do you think one box will be enough?”

“One box of what?” Buffy asked with wide eyes and a tone of total innocence.

“The condoms.”

“Yeah, you’re getting old.”

Spike couldn’t help it. He laughed, even as he realized he was in serious trouble being alone with Buffy.


to be continued…

Chapter 10


The news was about to start.

Spike flipped through the channels until he reached the station offering abc7. It hadn’t started yet. Commercials were still on. Sighing, he flopped on the bed, and scratched his scalp. It burned from the earlier bleaching, but for some reason he wasn’t remorseful about the change. When he looked in the mirror, he saw the idealistic young cop he’d once been. The one who was ready to change the world. The man he was long before life’s hard lessons had worn him down.

Buffy seemed to agree. She hadn’t said anything. She didn’t need to, not with the wistful smile on her face and her fingers running through his platinum curls. His resistance to the girl he once loved was dissolving fast. He knew he couldn’t give in so he’d stepped away from the touch that he was craving with every inch of skin on his body. He burned for that contact, wanting to lean into her hand and lose the few inches between them. Instead, he moved further away. She simply turned to grab her things. It was for the best, he kept telling himself.

When Buffy finally disappeared into the shower, Spike spent a long time staring at Fred’s picture in his wallet. He’d made a promise to her and he wasn’t going to break it. Forcing his attention back to the television, he waited for the news to start.

The door between the bedroom and the bathroom squeaked open. Spike found himself holding his breath as he waited for Buffy. The girl he knew certainly wasn’t the one who finally appeared. He exhaled in a slow whistle at the woman before him. Her hair hung to her shoulders in an uneven brunette bob. This was in no way the girl he’d rescued or taken care of for so long. This was a stranger with a smile that sent chills down his spine and heat into his neglected libido.

Somehow, he tore his gaze from Buffy and back to the television screen. It was hard, watching her from his peripheral vision while trying to follow the news. He relaxed a bit when she settled onto the other bed. Unless he turned his head all he could see was bare legs and pink painted toenails. He bent his left leg, resting his elbow on it, and prayed it appeared casual.

“Anything yet?” Buffy asked.

“No.”

His tone must have been harsher then he intended because Buffy made a sniffing sound and slid under the covers. At least he didn’t have to look at sexier than normal feet. Never before in his life had the sight of toes turned him on so much.

“Not yet.” He said, looking over at her, and wishing they were in a different place and time. A place where he still had the right to crawl into the bed with her.

“I’m scared,” Buffy admitted, meeting his gaze. She played with the hem of the sheet. “I know I shouldn’t be…or maybe I should be. I don’t know.”

“It’s okay, pet. I’m scared, too. This isn’t the best way to stay safe. Hell, even being in this hotel is enough to scare a person without thinking of Luke and his goons.”

“Are we going to be okay?”

“I’m going to try my best to make sure you come out of this alive and without any spilt blood.”

Buffy turned onto her back to stare at the ceiling. “I’m sorry…about everything, before. I want you to know that, okay?”

“You don’t have to apologize for anything.” His stomach tightened, his hand shook and his cock went soft again. He leaned his head against the wall. “You weren’t mine.”

“Maybe I can’t be with anybody. Charles lasted all of a month.” He heard her rustling. She was staring at him. He could feel it even if he refused to verify it by looking. “You got engaged before I could get back to Los Angeles. Relationships and I seem to be very unmixy.”

Spike couldn’t move. He couldn’t speak. One simple sentence had just turned his entire world on end. He was engaged before she got back to Los Angeles. She was coming back to him and he’d run into Fred’s arms. How could he have known? At the time, Buffy was with what seemed like every man in the country.

“You seemed to be doing a lot of dating,” he finally croaked. He needed to know if it was true or if she was just throwing around conversation. “Or you were before you moved here. After the break up with that other guy.”

She sighed softly. “I wanted to see if it was me, or Charles, or just you.”

“Excuse me?” He furrowed his brow, gave up the fight as he turned to face her in confusion.

Buffy stared at the ceiling, refusing to look at him. Her cheeks were bright red. “Charles broke up with me.”

“Do you mind not dancing around this anymore? Just spit it out already.”

“I…was having trouble…you know…doing it.”

“Oh, bloody hell, Buffy; I don’t want to hear about you shagging some other bloke. Jesus!”

A pillow came out of nowhere hitting him in the face. Spike batted it away. Buffy was disappearing into the bathroom. The door slammed shut, but the thin walls couldn’t hide the sounds of her crying. He kind of felt like crying himself if he told the truth. It ripped him apart to think about her in Gunn’s arms. He’d met him once before Buffy broke up with him. They were just friends, just study buddies and now she confirmed his worst nightmare. Buffy had sex with the tall good-looking man.

But she said she was having trouble doing it with him. What the hell did that mean?

The television broke through his thoughts when the announcer said that a police officer was shot that afternoon. Grateful for a distraction, Spike scooted to the edge of the bed, turning up the volume while he did. There was a segment with a remote reporter at the scene. According to her, there was no arrest or any clue as to why and how it had happened. All a big mystery, but they assured the public that every available person was after the monster who would shoot a cop in broad daylight.

“Did he have family?”

“Yeah, a wife and a kid.” Spike said.

Buffy looked so sad and lost leaning against the doorframe with her arms folded across her middle. “Did you know him?”

“No, but…”

“He’s part of the family, I know.” She ran a toe across the ugly stained yellow carpet. A tear hung from her chin before it fell to her chest. She wiped at her cheeks. “Spike…”

“Don’t, please.” Without thinking, he went to take her in his arms. She didn’t fight him. She curled against him in the way that only she could. They fit together. Their bodies made to be connected. He kissed her head, nuzzling the softness of her hair. “No regrets, okay? You were the best thing that ever happened to me.”

“Same here.”

“We need to get some sleep so we can catch the murdering son of a bitch.”

“Same here.”

Buffy giggled which made him smile. Maybe they could find their way to being friends. After all, they were family. That decision had been made a long time ago when their friends became friends and then family. He released a breath he felt he’d been holding forever. Buffy was a part of him and always would be. It felt good to finally admit it.

~~~~~~

Hardly anyone noticed them. They were just part of the eclectic crowd filling the streets of West Hollywood. The few looks they got were from tourists and from the envious. Spike grinned. To no one but himself. Buffy’s disguises were working. They fit into the crowd. Any one looking for the cop and the college student would never recognize them.

If punks held proms, they would be the king and queen. Buffy’s newly darkened hair was now sporting blood red streaks that matched her lipstick. The short skirt and torn t-shirt looked adorable on her, at least in his opinion, and the magnetic nose ring drew attention away from whoever wanted to look into her eyes.

Personally, he felt like he was back in his rebellious teens with his own punk look. Torn jeans, wife-beater tank that proudly showed off the brilliant fake tattoos on both biceps, and his hair spiked as high as Buffy could get it to go. Where she’d tried to draw attention away from her eyes, his were now ringed in onyx eyeliner that made his own shine bluer than normal.

They were a matched set, and if there weren’t hired killers after them, Spike could have fun with these getups. Unfortunately, time was of the essence, and he tugged on Buffy’s hand as he bounded through the doors of the library.

Spike nodded at the young woman at the front desk as they made a beeline for the computers. Fortunately one was available and Buffy slid in front of it.

“Don’t move,” Spike said, leaning over so only she could hear. “Keep your hair around your face, and I’ll be back.” After she nodded, he kissed her cheek, for appearances sake only he told himself as he headed for the newspapers.

They were both searching for missing men, fifteen to twenty-five, and anything they could find on Luke. It wasn’t going to be easy, but it was the only place they could think of to start. He scanned the lounge area, hoping he was acting casual as he picked up a couple of newspapers from the past few days. As he flopped into a chair the woman who was sitting in the next one got up and hurried away. He couldn’t help but smile as he opened the latest paper.

Almost a useless hour went by before Spike gave up in frustration. Although he wanted to fling the papers to the floor in a fit of anger, he knew he was under scrutiny by some of the other patrons. Therefore, fighting his own emotions, he neatly folded them back the way he’d found them before putting them back on the shelf.

Spike hoped Buffy was luckier than he was and had found something that would give them a clue as to where to go next. Sighing, he reached the computer area. He stopped at the entrance to the row where he’d left Buffy. She wasn’t there. His heart stopped in an agonizing lurch of fear. No, it couldn’t happen again. He blinked, forcing himself to focus as he searched the entire area. Still no Buffy.

Time slowed to a crawl as he began to hurry down the long row of shelves. He prayed for her to appear even while he berated himself for letting her out of his sight. This wasn’t supposed to happen. Not like this. He stopped at the end when there was no else for him to go.

Why hadn’t she screamed? How could they have recognized her? Why did he leave her? How did they get by him? His worst nightmare was unraveling in his waking hours and he knew he couldn’t wake from this moment. He couldn’t live with himself if something happened to Buffy. He began to run back toward the computer area.

Maybe, somehow, she was there waiting for him. A thousand scenarios rushed through his mind. Every one ending with a prayer that she was all right. A million demons bit and clawed at him for letting her down. He started toward another area of the library when he spotted a lone figure in a darkened office. Stopping, he glanced around to make sure no one was watching his bizarre behavior. Apparently, a punk rushing around the library was old news because no one was watching him now. Or too afraid to look. Whatever the reason, Spike was happy about it as he headed toward the partially closed door.

It was Buffy. Relief washed over him in bucketfuls as he slipped into the room with her, and then anger burned through him with a fire to rival hell. One name whispered in the dark brought the abrupt change to his mood.

She was talking to her ex.

to be continued…

Chapter 11



Never before had Buffy seen Spike so angry. No, angry wasn’t right. He was beyond furious.

He hadn’t said a single word to her since one of the librarians caught them in the off limits office and asked them to leave. Not one word. Nothing except a nod toward the woman, and then he’d grabbed Buffy’s hand to lead her out of there. The grip was tight, but not enough to hurt. Buffy merely stumbled after him on the way back to the hotel.

Now he was alone in the bathroom. Buffy wasn’t sure what he was trying to accomplish by shutting her out. At random intervals, he would shout a curse word or he would kick something, in what she assumed was an effort to relieve his anger.

At first, she’d sat meekly on the bed, trying to think of way to soothe him, and hoping the gentler Spike would come out of the bathroom. She waited. And waited. The longer she sat though, the angrier she became. Finally, she stood up. Enough was enough.

“Spike, quit pouting,” Buffy shouted, pounding on the door. “Get your ass out here…now.”

No answer. Buffy leaned her ear against the door, listening to see if she could hear what he was doing. The door flew open. She stumbled forward against Spike, catching herself with her hands on his chest. They both froze, and she tilted her head to look up at him.

“You are a lying conniving bitch,” Spike sneered.

She was hurt by his words. His assumptions fueled her indignation at his words. “I have never lied to you.” She pushed Spike away from her so hard that he fell backwards onto the toilet seat. “I’ve been more honest than I ever wanted to be. I gave you everything.”

“Then you went and gave it to everyone else.” Spike stood, towering over her, but she refused to move. “I tried to love you.”

“Oh please,” Buffy rolled her eyes. “Yeah, you tried so hard that you sent me away. You tell me to date other men, and then when I do, you act like some crazy jealous person.” She tasted a tear that she wasn’t even aware was falling. It wasn’t fair. He got to be happy and loved and she got nothing.

“You’re one to talk about being crazy…”

Buffy didn’t even think. She just slapped him with all the hurt she was feeling.

His head recoiled, but only for a moment. When he turned to face her again, she stepped back. Her hand covered her mouth. “I’m sorry.”

Spike grabbed her by her upper arms, backing her up against the wall. “Don’t ever hit me again. Next time I won’t let it go.” He leaned against her, pinning her to the wall.

“Let go of me,” Buffy demanded, struggling to get free. “You have no right.”

“And you don’t have a right to slap me. You’re the one who moved on,” he leaned close to her face. “You’re the one who found yourself a new boyfriend.”

“You said, ‘go, find someone else’. It didn’t seem like you cared too much, because you weren’t telling me not to do it.”

“I was trying to do the right thing.”

“Well, maybe you shouldn’t have,” Buffy cried. She fought with him to get him to loosen his grip. He wouldn’t let go. She thrust her hips forward in a sudden shove hoping to knock him off balance.

“Stop it.” Spike pushed back with his own pelvis, forcing his erection into her belly as his upper body leaned against hers. It felt good. Like they were made to be together.

“Spike,” Buffy said, staring up at him for a second. They’d gone too far. All the walls they’d built between them were tumbling around them. “We should…this isn’t a good idea.”

“No, you don’t want me to do the right thing…remember.” He wrapped his arms around her middle, pulling her close as he took them the few steps to the bed. He laid her across the mattress, and following her down, he covered her body with his. Pressing her into the mattress.

Every feeling, thought, loyalty, and desire for this man coursed through her veins. Buffy couldn’t think of what was right or wrong. Spike was there. He wanted her despite everything they ever did to each other. She closed the minute gap between them. Their lips collided in a violent reunion. Their mouths opened, hungry for the other. They let tongues wrap around each other, chasing and playing as the memories led them into a sensual zone.

They didn’t say anything else. Buffy refused to think. For the first time in her life, she let the needs of her body lead her. Only Spike could bring such pleasure to her body because she trusted him so much. He was pushing up her skirt, fingers skimming over the apex of her thighs. She thrust up, wanting more than he was giving. Frustrated, she reached for the fastenings on his pants, opening them, and pushing them down. He pulled up enough for her to yank them down over his ass.

“Buffy?” Spike tugged on her panties, hesitating when she didn’t immediately respond.

She covered his hand with her own, helping him to remove them. When she was free of them, he reached for the box of condoms on the nightstand. Maybe it hadn’t really been a joke on her part. Maybe it had been a hope, or a prayer. Her eyes opened wide as he pulled out a foil packet. It was really going to happen.

The consequences filtered through her lust-laden brain. She wanted to ask if he loved her still. She needed to know if Fred was the woman of his dreams and the one he wanted to mother his children. If this was going to stop, she needed to do it now. Spike would listen.

“God, I’ve missed you, pet,” Spike whispered, rolling between her legs.

The man she loved was with her in this moment. Buffy knew she couldn’t deny it. Even if he married Fred after this, Spike still belonged to her, heart and soul. He had since the day he’d taken her out of that basement. No matter what else he did with his life, nothing would change the alignments of the universe that originally brought them together.

It was a foolish prayer when she’d returned to Los Angeles that they would finally to be the couple they were meant to be. It hadn’t happened. Nothing had been right since then. But this, this was right in the truest sense of the word. Buffy slid her hand down his side and met his eyes as she wrapped her hand around his cock.

“Bloody hell,” Spike muttered, jerking in her hand.

It was pure power as she guided him to the entrance of her womanhood. He hesitated. She could feel the change in him as the realization and the guilt finally reached through all of his other emotions. Buffy brought her legs up, letting him slide a little further inside. He groaned, still holding back, and she knew she couldn’t do this to him. She pushed him away, ignoring the confusion and hurt in his expression.

“I want you to stop.” Buffy said. Just as she knew he would, he backed away. She rolled over, curling away from him so she wouldn’t have to look at him. She ached from the loss.

Spike molded himself to her body, wrapping his arm around her middle. “I’m sorry. It was wrong of me.” He kissed her shoulder.

“No, it was me. You’re in love with another woman and I should have stopped you sooner. Things got out of control. It was wrong, so we stopped.”

“No, no,” Spike argued. He sighed, and then buried his face against her back so she barely heard his next words. “I don’t have any right to be, but I’m jealous of your relationship with Gunn.”

“I’m not in love with him.”

“You wanted to be.”

Buffy rolled over, forcing Spike back. “No, I didn’t.” She cupped his face. “I wanted to find out if I could love someone who wasn’t you.”

“Same thing.”

“No, it’s not. Besides, it doesn’t matter now. You’re engaged to Fred.”

“I don’t think it will happen now,” Spike laughed. “She won’t go through with it at this point. Not after I tell her about this.”

Buffy wanted to tell him not to say anything at all to Fred, but the truth always found a way to the light of day eventually. “Tell her that you stopped in time. Be honest. It was a mistake and that it was just loneliness that made you respond to me.”

“That’s not the truth though.”

“Fine, tell her that you were in a jealous fit over an innocent phone call, and you just had to prove you were the superior man by acting like some stupid primal beast by having sex with me.” Buffy started to roll over, but Spike wrapped her up in his arms. It still felt good. Too good.

“That’s not the truth either.”

Why couldn’t he just say what he meant? It was time for a little honesty and she decided to drop it on him like a bomb. “I haven’t had sexual intercourse with any man but you.”

Spike’s eyes widened. His mouth opened and closed as he tried to come up with something to say. Buffy felt a pique of satisfaction at the surprise in his expression. She poked her finger into his chest. “I don’t lie to you. I just haven’t told you everything because you didn’t want to hear it.” She waved her hand. “You just went off and got engaged.”

“You told Cordelia that you dated a bunch of guys in a couple of weeks.”

“You thought I was a whore?” Buffy pulled her skirt down as she tried to scoot away from this man she was about ready to beat. “How dare you?”

“Oh come on,” Spike stood, ignoring the condom on his softening cock as he pulled his pants back on. “What else was I supposed to think with you going out with everyone who asked you? You could have called and talked to me.”

“You’re an idiot,” Buffy huffed. “Why do you think I came back to Los Angeles? It wasn’t something I wanted to cover in a phone call. That would have been just peachy.” She scrunched up her face as she held her hand to her ear and mouth like a phone receiver. “Hi there, yeah, I’ve been dating a lot of guys, but don’t you worry because I’m not fucking them. Well, I might if they make me as hot as you do, because that’s why I’m going out with them.”

“I make you hot?”

“No, of course not. I was feeling nothing when I was trying to rip your zipper open.”

She crossed her arms in front of her and leaned against the headboard. The bed gave as Spike kneeled beside her. She afforded him only a slight glance before looking away. The damn man was going to drive her crazy. She was hurt, mad, and wanted him so much that it hurt even more, but she was determined not to give him the satisfaction of letting him know how she felt. No matter what he did, she wasn’t going to tell him how much she still loved him. That would be an open invitation for immense heartbreak as long as he was still pledged to Fred.

“I’m sorry for letting everything get so fucked up,” Spike said, laying down next to her and nestling his head on her stomach. “I never wanted to hurt you.”

“It’s not just me. A lot of people are hurting.” Buffy caressed the blonde spikes still adorning his head. “Our friends don’t know what to do about this whole war between us.”

Spike sighed. “When this is over with, I’ll find a way to make this right.”

“I don’t know if you can. It might be too late.” For Buffy it was. Spike would do the honorable thing and go to Fred on his knees begging for forgiveness. She knew in her heart that Fred would take him back. Sometimes love didn’t conquer all like in the movies or television shows. But Spike was here with her now in a situation they might not come out of alive, and if they did, she wanted to make memories that would get her through. She slid down the bed, hooking a leg over his hip, pressing against him. “At least, I want it to be too late?”

There was a sadness in his eyes but she wasn’t sure why. Spike pulled her close to him, kissing her with a goodbye already in his touch. Yes, her heart wasn’t going to break but it was going to shatter into a thousand pieces when Spike left.

to be continued…

Chapter 12



The sound of the shower woke Spike from his sleep. He rolled over onto his back, feeling the bed, and wishing Buffy was still beside him. The night before was a fluke, no more of a moment that should never had happened. Sighing he sat up, rubbing his face, and forced himself to push away any regrets.

It wasn’t easy, not when he was surrounded by her scent, the sound of her moving around in the bathroom, and her clothes strewn around the room. It was time for admitting truths, at least to himself even if he couldn’t tell Buffy he was still in love with her. Not when another woman wore his ring. He couldn’t respect himself or another relationship unless he ended the prior one, no matter where his heart lay.

Plus, Buffy wasn’t going to make it easy on him. He agreed that she should make it hard on him. He was a fool. It was one of those times a man has to admit he’d made some very wrong moves. There were a lot of things to clear up before he could attempt to woo Buffy again.

The bathroom door opened, making him look up. “Good morning.”

“Morning Spike,” Buffy said, reaching for a brush on the vanity. “What’s the plan for today?” She sounded almost too nonchalant as she began to pull the brush through her short hair.

“First an apology from me,” Spike mumbled, knowing he couldn’t wait anymore. It was time for him to tell some truths. “Could you come sit?”

“Sure,” she said, with a shrug.

Spike swung his legs over the edge of the bed. He gripped his knees, digging in with his fingers so tightly, he was sure he’d leave bruises. This was harder than he thought, and he was unsure of how to begin. Oh, he had a clue, but where he was now would make this task difficult because his heart and body was so far ahead of where he was. If he hadn’t screwed things up so much, it might be Buffy and he planning their wedding.

“What’s up?” Buffy prodded, sitting primly with legs crossed on the edge of the other bed.

The bed still made because they’d shared the other one. Wrapped around one another with a sexual frustration that kept him up most of the night, because he couldn’t, after all, take the girl he loved without giving her the promises she deserved.

Swallowing back his uncertainties, Spike forced himself to look her in the eye. “I’m sorry, Buffy.” She didn’t say anything. “Look, I was wrong about a lot of things. I’m an arse of the worst kind.”

“Yeah,” Buffy said.

She wasn’t smiling. Nothing except staring at him with confusion and hurt in her eyes. He was in serious trouble. Pushed the girl too far and she wasn’t going to give another inch where he was concerned. He watched her pick at a loose thread in the torn jeans she was wearing. A small bit of creamy flesh showed through the rip. He swallowed. For a second he contemplated telling her about where his heart stood. It was going to be so hard to be around Buffy and remain honorable. Somehow, he needed to finish groveling this morning, and get back to the case, so he could set things right. For all of them.

“I should never have made assumptions…about you or what you were doing…”

“You mean what I was doing on those dates?”

“Yes, that exactly. I don’t think you’re a whore…,” he stopped, sighed and then continued. “I wanted a reason to push you out of my life. This whole thing scared me. It still does.” Shut up, you bloody wanker before you put your foot in your mouth again. Got to get things right with Fred before you spill everything. He snapped his mouth shut.

“Why did you have to have a reason? If you didn’t want me around, why didn’t you just say so?” Suddenly her eyes closed and she clutched her hands together. “That’s why you wanted me to go to Seattle, wasn’t it? You wanted me out of your life, but were too nice to say so?”

“No, god no,” Spike said, falling to his knees. He took her face in his hands. “It’s not like that at all. Pet, it wasn’t anything like that. You’re so young and beautiful with a wonderful future ahead of you and I’m just a burnt out cop without even a decent pension.”

“You were my everything,” Buffy whispered. “I thought you were my best friend,” she shook her head, “but best friends don’t treat each other like we treated each other.”

“You’re right,” Spike agreed. “You should have been on a pedestal, still should be. In a place I don’t really want to admit to, I wished that boy could have been the answer for you. You deserve the best.”

“I was living in a fantasy,” Buffy said, pulling away from him. “Maybe they were right…I made you up…tried to make you into someone you didn’t want to be for me.” She turned her head. “I’m sorry.”

“You don’t have anything to be sorry for,” Spike said, sitting back on his haunches. “I know I can’t be the hero you dreamt I was, but I tried…I wanted to be, but everything got messed up somewhere along the way.”

He felt sick to his stomach as she seemed to drift away from him. He wanted to hold on tight, but she wasn’t his any longer.

~~~~~~

Something was changing inside of her and she wasn’t sure she wanted to fight it.

The words were the right ones, yet she couldn’t believe them. Not now, not after last night. She’d practically begged him to make love to her, and he’d refused. Instead, he’d held her like she was a child in need of comfort. She wanted him to see her as a woman, but he wouldn’t let her grow up. The pedestal was too high, and she didn’t want to stand alone up there.

“Yeah, it did,” Buffy agreed, reaching for him with a trembling hand. He held it with a strength she once thought would sustain her for a lifetime. “We need to finish this so we can get back to our lives.”

Spike seemed stricken by her words, but she didn’t want to empathize with him. Somehow she needed to put him in another category, remember who he was and why she needed to avoid him. No matter how much she didn’t want it to end like that. Dreams of a happy future were raining around her like ashes.

The sudden ringing of the motel phone jarred them both. Buffy slid further down the bed while Spike reached for his gun. He motioned for her to get into the bathroom. With her heart pounding, she rushed for cover, grabbing the second gun from the dresser top. Holding it close against her chest, she slipped behind the door without closing it all the way. She wanted to hear what was going on as the sound of Spike lifting the receiver echoed in the quiet room.

“This is Spike.”

There was a moment of silence before he spoke again. “How the hell did you know where to find us?” Another pause, during which Buffy came back into the bedroom. Spike glared at her, before handing the receiver to her with a shake of his head.

“Hello?”

“Hey girl. You doing okay?”

It was Gunn. Buffy smiled at the warmth in his voice. “Yeah, I’m good.”

“Is that the old man you carrying a torch for?”

“Trying not to,” Buffy giggled.

“So, what room you two holding up in?”

“You’re here?” Buffy’s gaze shifted to Spike who was glowering. “Where?”

“Roaming the halls looking for you, little girl.”

She quickly gave him their room number, hung the phone up, and held her hands up. “Don’t, okay? He’ll be able to help us.”

“Yeah, just what we need is one more person involved in this. Should be real easy to stay undercover,” Spike said, standing up to put his gun harness on, which he covered with the leather jacket. “Why don’t we throw a party?”

A knock on the door saved Buffy from having to answer. Spike’s remark hurt. As if he was the only one who could make decisions. She knew Gunn could help them. He knew the murdered man, and possibly had more information on Luke. On her way to the door, Spike grabbed her arm so he could step in front of her. Holding his gun up, he gestured her to the side before undoing the chain lock.

“Who is it?”

“It’s a friend of the little blonde you’ve got hold up with you. I’ve come to take her home.”

It was pure Gunn. Buffy smiled as Spike rolled his eyes. Already she knew the two men would never get along, but it didn’t stop her from being happy to see her old friend. Despite the problems with their relationship, they’d ended it on good terms, both swearing to remain friends. Gunn’s gentleness and understanding of her shortcomings made Buffy trust him.

She rushed around Spike to pull the door open. The big man strolled into the room, picked her up in his arms to give her a hug. He kissed her cheek as he pushed the door shut behind him.

“Hello girl.”

“Hi Charles,” Buffy said, as she returned to her feet. “I’d like you to meet Spike, Spike, Gunn.”

The two men reminded Buffy of a couple of dogs defending their territory. After sizing each other up, Spike warily offered his hand to Gunn. They shook, with a brief nod on the part of Gunn before stepping back from one another. Buffy hid a smile as she gestured them further into the hotel room. The heat of a blush crept over her face as she watched Gunn take in the one unmade bed. He lifted a brow in question, but she was unable to do anything but look away.

Gunn took the chair by the small desk in the corner. He shifted trying to get his large frame comfortable in the wooden chair. Finally he gave up and leaned forward with his hands clasped between his knees. Buffy took a seat next to Spike on the bed closest to Gunn which fortunately was the one neither had slept in the night before. She couldn’t imagine the mortification she’d feel at Gunn looking at her in the place where she’d almost committed what she considered a sin.

“Buffy says you know the guy Luke had murdered,” Spike said.

“Yeah, he was a member of the gang I used to hang with,” Gunn said.

His face remained neutral. Buffy knew he was waiting for the insult that usually followed that admission. Being labeled by their pasts was one of the things that bonded them. It was a rare person who didn’t make instant assumptions when they learned the truth. She tensed waiting for Spike to respond, but she should have known Spike wouldn’t let her down.

“Do you know this for a fact or is this a guess based on some rumors?” Spike asked, slipping into cop mode.

“Don’t believe me?”

“It’s not that,” Spike said, leaning forward a bit, relaxing his shoulders to help put Gunn at ease. “We don’t have a lot of time. Luke has already killed a cop while searching for us, and we need to stay ahead of him before he finds us or Cassie again.”

Buffy watched Gunn as he decided to trust Spike or not. She prayed he trusted her enough to accept her word that Spike was a good guy, whether he was a cop or not. Just as she hoped Spike would accept Gunn, and the two would become, if not friends, at least tolerant of each other.

“Pretty much assumption,” Gunn replied. “But everything fits into place. Rico, my old second in command, has been doing business with Luke. He can give us some answers, but he isn’t going to incriminate himself.”

“I’ll get him immunity,” Spike said. “We’re after the big guns.”

“I’ll have to have an answer from someone higher than you. For Buffy’s sake, I trust you, but Rico on the other hand…”

“Understandable,” Spike said with a nod. “I’ll get it for you.” He held his hand out. “Deal?”

“Deal,” Gunn said, taking Spike’s hand to shake it.

Buffy let out a sigh of relief that the two men were willing to work together. This partnership might just work after all.




to be continued…

Chapter 13


Buffy was hungry. At least that’s what she said. Spike suspected it was an excuse to get them out of the cramped hotel room. Even with a temporary truce declared between himself and Charles, tension hung thick between them. Fueled by suspicion and a mutual need to protect Buffy from the other, left her stuck in the middle of their testosterone war.

So, they went in search of food, stopping at the first diner they came across. The smell of coffee and grease assaulted them as soon as they opened the door.

“Take a seat anywhere,” a waitress hollered from behind the long counter on the left side of the establishment.

“Thanks,” Gunn said, with a wave.

Spike only saw his response out of his peripheral vision as he took in the customers sprinkled throughout the small place. There was an old couple arguing over something, a few kids probably ditching school, and a few others that at this first glance gave no indication of trouble. He stepped to the side so Buffy could walk in front of him.

“Take that back booth,” Spike said barely above a whisper as she passed.

She nodded as she took the lead. Charles followed with Spike taking up the rear. There were a few fearful glances from the other occupants as they made their way through the restaurant. He almost smiled at the spectacle they must appear to be to the normal people of the world. Buffy with her bright hair, over abundant make up and ripped jeans topped with a t-shirt proclaiming her love for some punk band. Charles was in jeans, faded t-shirt with a black do-rag while Spike was as made up as Buffy without the makeup. They made an odd trio, standing out yet in a way blending into the neighborhood around them.

Charles slid into the booth across from Buffy leaving Spike with a choice as to who to sit beside. Choosing Buffy, he sat next to her, relieved that she didn’t scoot away from him. They were close enough to bump elbows and legs, yet she didn’t give any indication of anything more than that. No leaning toward him, no deliberate movement so they could touch. He wasn’t sure if he was relieved or hurt by her lack of actions.

They didn’t say anything until they were given coffee and their orders for breakfast was made. Spike leaned back against the seat, watching Buffy fill her coffee with sugar and cream.

“So, let’s talk,” Gunn said, leaning on his forearms on the table with his mug held between his two large hands.

“Thought we already made a deal,” Spike said. “I call my Captain, get immunity for your buddy and then I get information to stop the bad guys.”

“You think it’s that easy,” Gunn laughed. “If it was that easy you wouldn’t be needing me.”

“Probably not.” Spike shrugged before taking a sip of his coffee, wincing at the bitterness of the strong brew. “Just giving you the highlights of everything.”

“Why would Rico want to help?” Buffy asked. She squirmed in her seat a bit when both men turned their gaze to her.

Without thinking, Spike squeezed her hand. It seemed to give her strength. Like it had in the old days when they were searching for Faith. She sat up a little straighter.

“If Luke and his boss are arrested, isn’t it going to cut into his business?”

“Rico doesn’t deal drugs,” Gunn said. He rubbed his eyes. “His brother is serving life because of drugs.”

“Whoa, I’m confused,” Spike interrupted. “I don’t think I’m getting the connection.” He stopped when the waitress appeared with their breakfast. After the usual passing of salt and pepper he continued, “Okay, Buffy says you know the murdered guy, who was a member of the gang you used to run, Rico was your second hand man, yet you and Rico never dealt in the drugs. So, why would this guy, does he have a name by the way, be doing drugs?”

“Long speech dawg,” Gunn replied with a laugh.

Even Buffy giggled, which made Spike, smiled. “Sorry, things have been a little crazy in the last week. Makes connecting the dots a little hard.”

He didn’t add that the shared secret language of lovers and best friends between Buffy and Gunn made following their conversation difficult. He was jealous. Buffy and he never had the time to get that close. They always spelled everything out in careful preciseness whether they were sharing dinner or fighting. He wondered if they would ever be that comfortable with each other or if time would reveal that no matter how much love existed between them they weren’t going to be soul mates. He shook his head as a picture of Fred came to his mind. It wasn’t right for him to jealous. Not while Fred wore his ring.

“Let me lay this out for you some,” Gunn said, after taking a bite of his eggs. He waved his fork. “Where I grew up you couldn’t survive unless you were a part of a gang. If you were a loner then you were targeted. Somewhere along the way the guys I hung out with formed our own gang. We became tough to the world, got into trouble, drinking, stealing, vandalism, but never the hardcore stuff.”

“But not everyone had the same ideals that you did?” Spike filled in as he started to see a little of what Buffy saw in this man. Charles was a survivor. He would do what he had to do, even commit a crime in to stay alive, but underneath he was a good person. They were two of a kind. He put his fork down unable to eat in the knowledge that maybe without him they could have made a go of it. “Like this kid who went to work for Luke?”

“His name was Manuel.” Buffy interjected. “He was nineteen.”

“How did you find out all of this?” Spike asked.

“I read that in the paper,” Buffy said. “It was how I knew to call Charles. They found his body dumped in an alley next to the apartment building where he lived. He already had a record and the article mentioned his association to the gang.”

“The dots have connected,” Spike said, picking up his coffee cup again. It was a circle. Coincidences leading them to this spot in time. Funny how his life kept revolving around the girl, no woman, next to him. As if, she was the sun that kept him alive. His Sunshine. “Maybe it’s a good thing that you did go to Seattle,” it was said with reluctance, but it was truth. “If you hadn’t then we wouldn’t have this chance to right a wrong.”

“Here, here,” Gunn said, lifting his coffee cup.

Buffy hesitated, staring at him with wide eyes, but soon she lifted her cup, too. They clanked together as if ringing in a new era.

~~~~~

Sitting in the car next to Charles, Buffy watched Spike standing at the public phone on a busy street corner. She was hoping everything would go okay. If it did then they would try to find Rico. Maybe all of this would be over today and she could go back to her life. Without Spike. Her eyes closed as her heart hurt at the thought of not seeing him again.

“What’s the matter?” Charles asked.

“Nothing.”

“Please girl. Who are you talking to?”

She smiled in spite of herself. “Spike.”

“Always comes back to him, doesn’t it?”

Knotting her hands together in her lap, she couldn’t answer. It was true.

Charles ran a hand down her hair before pulling her close to him. It was comfortable, warm, but not passionate. None of the tingling feelings she felt even being close to Spike. It wasn’t fair.

“From what I can tell, the two of you need to get past all this bullshit between you and get back to being together.”

“He’s engaged.”

“Hey, that’s part of the bullshit I’m talking about. The way I see it this Fred chick had to know Spike was still hung up on you. She decided to accept his ring anyway.”

“She’s been in love with him for years,’ Buffy mumbled. “She was hoping that he would love her back.”

“She tell you this?”

“She didn’t have to,” Buffy looked up. Spike was still on the phone. “It’s in the way she looks at him. Such longing and hope.”

“Yeah, longing and hope that he’s the one. Come on, Buffy, do you still seriously think she believes that they’re meant to be? Not with yours and Spike’s history.”

“We only spent a week together before I went to Seattle,” Buffy said. ”Then it was when one of us had some time to travel, a lot of long phone calls and emails.” She smiled wistfully. “It doesn’t feel like history,” she shrugged because that wasn’t the truth either. It seemed like Spike was a part of her and had been since the day he found her.

“And shared things most couples don’t in a lifetime.”

That much was true. They knew each other’s deepest fears, hopes, weaknesses and strengths. When they didn’t have this wall between them, they moved in harmony, able to laugh and cry together. How did they go so wrong?

Spike was walking toward them. Buffy tensed and the arm from her shoulders disappeared, but not before Gunn whispered in her ear.

“He’s yours. Take him back.”

Spike climbed into the car. “Captain Roberts is going to the DA’s office to try and work out a deal. He’s in agreement.” He started the car, pulling out into traffic. “Where do I find Rico?”

“Head south,” Charles said.

Buffy kept thinking about Spike and every moment she could remember of them being together trying to decide what she really wanted to do. The car bounced in a pothole bringing her back to the moment. She swallowed as she recognized an old building housing a grocery. Once a long time ago, she’d been in this neighborhood and her head swam in frightful memories as they continued.

The sun was bouncing off the concrete, reflecting on the walls of the broken down warehouses and buildings creating a heat to rival any oven. A trickle of sweat rolled down Buffy’s back while a chill racked her body. The scent of male bodies tickled her nose. And the old leather seats of the car creaked when she shifted looking for a respite from the sensations bombarding her every senses. A small moan stuck in her throat even as logic warred with her fears. She wanted to scream, to get out of that car before she lost her mind.

“No no no no,” Buffy whispered. The knowledge that she was safe with the men she trusted exploded as the blocked all else from her mind. Spike slowed the car as her protest grew louder. He reached for her hand and all she could see was her kidnapper coming to drag her into her prison. “Not again,” she moaned. Scrambling over Charles she tried to pull herself out the open window. Hands dragged her back against a hard chest while other hands wrapped around her legs.

How? When? It was happening again. Except there were two monsters this time. Voices gargled together as she fought their comforting tones. Not this time. She would die before she would let it happen. She left a long scratch on the arm wrapped tight under her breast. He yelled at her to stop but it was enough to loosen the grip of the new one so she could kick him in the face.

“Buffy, stop it. It’s Spike.”

“Liar,” she screeched. “Let me go.” She twisted, hitting her head on the steering wheel. Stars danced in front of her eyes. It gave them the advantage. Once again she was held down. A hand raced over her bottom and she wanted to puke as the hand grabbed her between her knees. “Please don’t,” she begged.

She was pulled back on the seat but she managed to get to her knees. Hands grabbed her face, forcing her to look her tormentor in the face. She froze.

“Buffy, you’re safe. Baby, I’m not going to let anyone hurt you.”

Her body went limp as she stared into blue eyes that haunted her every dream. Waking or sleeping.

“It was here,” she mumbled.

“I know, I know.” He held his arms out and she went into them. In to the security they represented. She poured out her fear as the days came to life in a way they hadn’t in years. Sobs wracked her body. She was rocked. Kisses planted on her cheek, neck and ear as he poured his love out to her. Right and wrong was forgotten as she clung to her avenging angel. This was where she belonged. He understood her, was able to banish her demons, and give her hope.

Wrapping arms around his neck, she struggled to get closer to his body. She separated her legs to get him between them. All of her pain, loneliness, fears and hopes poured out into tears she shed on his neck.

“Don’t leave me, please,” Buffy begged.

There wasn’t any answer, and she took a deep breath, trying to find the courage to leave his embrace. Footsteps outside the car solved her dilemma. She was thrust out his arms as Spike pushed her back to the seat. She wiped tears from her eyes so that she could see.

Four men with guns surrounded the car.

to be continued…

Chapter 14


There wasn’t even room to decently pace. It felt like she was just spinning in circles. Fred halted, wrapped her arms around herself, and sighed. If something didn’t happen soon she was going to scratch her own eyes out. Never in her life had she felt such boredom.

“I’m going loony bird,” she muttered to herself.

“What’s that?” Her current keeper asked, looking up from the book he was reading.

“Nothing,” Fred said, plopping in the nearest chair. She stared at Wesley Wyndham-Price across the tiny living room of her prison. He was the second police detective assigned to watch over her. The first had developed appendicitis that pulled him from the case and got her moved. Currently they were in some high security location in the middle of Los Angeles. She had no clue where though because of the heavily covered drapes.

Wesley laid his book down and returned her stare. She felt her belly flutter in interest. He was handsome, intelligent and another cop.

“No,” she stated, standing to pace again. This time, however, she felt Wesley watching every movement she made. She shouldn’t feel like this, wasn’t she in love with Spike? She reiterated to herself every wonderful thing about Spike, twisting her engagement ring as if it was a rosary. Despite all the things that was worth loving in Spike, it still came back to he was with Buffy again.

She should just take the ring off; tell the bad guys that Spike couldn’t care two bits about her when the blonde was around. This time when Buffy showed up Fred ended up in hiding, away from Spike while Buffy was with him. No matter what Fred did it always ended up being about Buffy.

“No what?”

“Huh?”

“You said no. It was a very emphatic no. What was it for?”

“Nothing you would understand.” Fred hopped up on one of the barstools and returned Wesley’s stare. The attraction she was feeling had to becoming out of the boredom and the need for someone to find her attractive. She was confident about one thing in her relationship with Spike; they were great in bed together. Well that, and their mutual love of food and old movies.

Other than that, he was all jump into the action type and she was ‘let’s study it to death first’ type and they often went in different directions. He hated it when she suggested he slow down before jumping into something and she hated it when he wanted her to be more spontaneous. The push pull they did only seemed to work with sex.

An image of the wedding dress she always fantasized about came to her mind. Feminine with lots of lace it that suited her romantic nature. When she broke the news of her engagement to her parents, they were so happy for her. Her father was all excited at the thought of giving her away and her mother was relieved Fred wouldn’t be alone anymore. Tears welled up in her eyes as she wished Spike was with her to reassure her that her dreams would come true.

Before she could retreat, Wesley was in front of her, wiping the tears from her cheeks. His touch was gentle. The pity in his eyes was intolerable. She couldn’t decide whether to punch him or lean into his touch.

“We don’t have a lot to do,” Wesley whispered. “I’m a good listener.”

“Good line.” Fred laughed.

Wesley stepped back, taking his touch with him. “It wasn’t a line. If you prefer not to talk with me, I’ll return to my book.”

“I’m sorry.” She linked her hands together. “I miss the life I was building.”

“And your fiancé?”

“Of course I miss Spike.” Except it wasn’t what she said. She closed her eyes as she pondered what her subconscious had blurted out. It was the life she said she missed and not the man. It couldn’t be true, could it? Suddenly she wanted to punch something. All this solitude was driving her bonkers. If she could just talk to Spike everything would be all right. Yes, that’s what she needed was Spike. Only he was with the woman he was in love with. “I just don’t think he misses me.”

“Ah, that’s why the tears? I think you’re overreacting. How could he not miss such a beautiful intelligent woman?”

“Because he’s with Buffy. It’s been about Buffy for years now and I was the convenient woman.”

“Was he the convenient man for you? Or has it been about this Spike for years for you?”

Those questions she couldn’t answer. She shook her head. Wesley was waiting. “I don’t know.”

But she did. She was trying to figure out how to answer when the cell phone rang. They both jumped, turning to stare at it. It was supposed to be for emergency purposes only. Something thumped in the hallway and Fred wondered if she would ever have the chance to make a choice.

~~~~~

The four men moved closer to the car, pointing their guns at the occupants. They didn’t say anything, just stared at them with hatred in their eyes.

“Spike?” Buffy asked, dumbfounded at the threat outside the car. She trembled uncontrollably, clutching Spike’s arm unable to stop her nails from digging into his arm. This couldn’t be real. It must be the horror of her past replaying in her mind that projected the bad guys into hallucinations outside the car. Within the steel cage of the car she was safe. Hell was outside waiting for her. It was as if the building itself had spawned the threat outside the car.

“Please,” she cried out, wiping the back of her hand under her nose then flipping it over to dash the remaining tears from her cheeks. “Make it go away.”

“Buffy, calm down,” Spike whispered.

“You see them?”

“Yes, they’re real, “Spike said. “Don’t make any sudden moves. Do you understand?”

His voice brought her crashing back to reality. The voice that tenderly took her from her prison, the voice that whispered so softly to her as she learned about making love and the voice that explained life to her with quiet reason. She trusted it above all else. She forced herself to take a deep breath yet was unable to stop her body from shaking.

“It will be all right,” she murmured under her breath. “It will be all right,” she squeezed her eyes shut trying to get herself under control.

Spike’s body pressed in front of hers wouldn’t protect her if the men started shooting. Nothing could save any of them from bullets. Their only chance at survival rested in Spike’s ability to get them out of this. And he would need to know she was all right so he could concentrate on the situation.

She visualized the hurt and frightened girl standing alongside the stronger woman she was becoming. The woman hugged the girl before sending her to a safe place. Along with the girl went Buffy’s emotions. She opened her eyes. .

“Is somebody going to do something?” She relaxed her grip on Spike, switching to a soft caress instead to let him know she was all right. “If we’re going to die I’d rather get it over with instead of wait.”

Gunn hid a chuckle under his breath even as she felt him raise his hands. “Hey,” Gunn shouted out the window. “You know, it’s me…Gunn. Lower them things before you hurt someone.”

“You know them?” Spike asked. He didn’t sound surprised or condescending just curious. Buffy watched him appraise the scene, he was a cop and she could feel the tenseness in his body that foretold his readiness to dive into action at the first sign of the situation escalating. It made her feel safe, but it also reminded her that she was able to protect herself. She squirmed until her hand was on her lap and ready to reach for the gun strapped to her own leg.

“Yo dawg,” one of the men said, approaching Gunn’s side of the car. He signaled for the other men to put down their own weapons.

Buffy breathed a sigh of relief as the men on the other side of the car relaxed. The doors swung open as they climbed out. She scooted out on Gunn’s side then slid down the side of the car so she was behind him. There were a few moments of backslapping, shoulder slamming as the five men greeted each other.

“Guys, I want you to meet some friends of mine,” Gunn said, gesturing across the top of the car to Spike. “This is Spike.”

“He stinks like a cop,” a shorter Hispanic man said.

“He is a cop,” Gunn replied. “But he’s cool. He’s Buffy’s cop.”

“This is Buffy?” This time it was a short black man who spoke. He pushed past Gunn so he could stand in front of Buffy. “Girl, we have heard so much about you.”

The heat from a blush rose in her cheeks as the men stared at her in obvious appreciation. She suddenly wished she had her old baggy clothes on instead of the costume she was wearing. Crossing her arms around her middle, she stared at the ground. “Hello,” she mumbled.

Gunn slid an arm around her shoulders, pulling her close to his side. “Buffy, the big mouth is Rico, this here,” he pointed at the tall Hispanic, “is Mike,” he waved at the men in the back, “and those two are Dominic and Chow.”

“Chow?” Buffy asked, looking up at the youth curious as to where he got the nickname.

“I’m the only one who can cook anything worth eating,” Chow answered, with a shy smile of his own. “If it weren’t for me they would be eating beans out of a can every night.”

“Nice to meet you,” Buffy replied. “Maybe you can give me some pointers because I can’t cook very well.”

“It doesn’t look that way to me,” Rico inserted, giving Buffy a once over that made her skin crawl. “You’re so hot that you’re cooking all by yourself.”

Spike bristled at Rico for making Buffy uncomfortable. He also wasn’t happy about Gunn being the man who was protecting her. He made his way to the other side of the car.

“I think you need to watch what you’re saying,” he said, pulling out his most authoritative cop voice. He stopped next to Buffy and Gunn.

“Thought you had another woman?”

Rico stepped closer to Spike, but he refused to back down. Without taking his eyes from Rico, Spike asked, “How much did you tell your friends?” This time he didn’t care about the sneer in his voice.

“Word gets around,” Gunn said. “Sorry man didn’t think you’d ever meet.”

“Buffy is still mine to protect.”

It wasn’t what he wanted to say. He wanted to be able to proclaim that Buffy belonged to him and he was the man she loved. That he couldn’t do because of his own stupidity, but he could still stake a claim as being an important part of her life. He could only hope that she felt the same. If her stiffened body stance was the answer then he was probably wrong.

“I don’t need anyone to protect me,” Buffy said.

Spike doubted anyone but he could hear the quaver in her voice that belied her fear. It was hiding behind the brave front she was putting on for everyone’s benefits. He was proud of her. The girl he once knew would have been quivering in fear, unable to separate the past from the present with such a looming reminder of her nightmare only steps away. Despite the circumstances Buffy was poised on the outside, giving no indication of the inner turmoil she must be experiencing.

“Buffy’s a tough cookie,” Gunn added. “Wouldn’t mess with her unless you want trouble.”

“I’d take her kind of trouble…,” Rico started to say but Mike smacked him on the shoulder stopping him from saying anything else.

“Give it up man,” Mike said. “She’s got all she can handle without you drooling all over her.” He smiled at Buffy. “Just ignore him.”

“I’ll try.” Buffy said, sliding her hand into Spike’s even while she was still in Gunn’s embrace.

Buffy’s action surprised him, but he didn’t comment. Now wasn’t the time or the place for any discussion. They needed to get under cover and soon. He looked around, taking in the windows overlooking the alley. He could feel someone watching them, but he couldn’t pinpoint from where, if there was actually someone there, or if he was overreacting.

“Do we have some place we can move this reunion to?”

Gunn followed his earlier trail to the windows. He must have had the same feelings as Spike did because he turned back to his friends to ask, “Friends up there, Rico?”

“We gotta protect the homeland,” Dominic spoke for the first time. “People always trying to take over our territory.” He slid his gun back into his belt. “You come for a reason other than reliving old times?”

Gunn glanced at Spike as if asking permission to state their business. He gave a quick nod giving his approval, but he hoped that Gunn didn’t give away too many details about their quest to bring down Luke. All they needed to know was that they wanted more information on the youth Luke murdered.

“Yeah, Manuel,” Gunn said. “His killers are making some wrong moves and we need some info.”

“We don’t need no more trouble,” Chow said. “Those dudes are taking over as it is and we’re barely holding ground.”

“They’re trying to kill me,” Buffy said. “And now they’re after my friends and family. Please help me.”

“Man, we really need your help,” Gunn added when Buffy’s pleas were met with expressionless faces. He leaned closer to his friend. “Spike made a deal to keep you guys out of it. We only need information.”

In the next few moments, Rico looked Buffy over and then back at his friends before finally nodding. “Not promising nothing, but let’s move this to some place a bit more private.”

Spike relaxed a bit. “Thanks.”

“You a friend of Buffy and she’s under Gunn’s wing. Can’t really refuse family, now can we?” Rico said with a curt nod. “Drive down a bit further. I’ll have the guys open the door. “

Gunn and Buffy followed the others down the alley while Spike hopped back into his car to follow. A large door lifted at the end of the alley. He slowed down as he drove into darkness, but as he crossed the threshold floodlights switched on letting him see the cavernous warehouse.

“Fuck,” he muttered under his breath as he saw at least a dozen men and women standing around watching his entrance. He pulled to where he was motioned to park. They didn’t look welcoming as they surrounded his car. He swallowed, hoping that Buffy’s trust in Gunn was sound.

to be continued…

Chapter 15


Thunder clashed against the sky while the wind tore at the building. Everything wavered under the power of the storm. Cassie crouched under the old desk, clinging to Buffy’s hand. There was no one to protect them. Spike was lying in a pool of blood, growing ever larger as precious seconds ticked away without any hope of help. Love was over. Shattered by a ’38. Buffy was screaming out her broken heart, crawling across the cement floor, until she was drowning in the red stickiness surrounding Spike.

“I love you, I love you,” Buffy's chant mingled with the other sounds of the tempest until death was too much of a temptation. Darkness drew her into its cold embrace without a second thought of the promising life she had once held.

It was over. They were both dead. In only moments, death would find her as well. Cassie pounded at the wood surrounding her, wanting only to escape. But Luke was searching for her. She couldn’t ignore it. Whimpering, alone in the nightmare, she gave up the fight. The bullet hurt more than anything she had ever known as it tore through her flesh. An unearthly scream burst from deep inside her soul, and the futile yowling prayers wouldn’t stop even as her heart went silent.

“Wake up.”

“No, no,” Cassie cried, wanting to know how everything went so wrong.

“Cassie, wake up, Cassie, you’re having a nightmare, wake up,” this time the voice was accompanied by a shake of her shoulders.

Yanked from her nightmare, Cassie shook in the aftermath. She gulped in oxygen hoping it would clear her mind. Forcing her eyes open, she looked around at her surroundings. The room was just as it had been when she first drifted into sleep. Plain white walls, two double beds with a nightstand between, the light still shone from the bathroom in the corner, and Kate and Lorne were on either side of her.

She wasn’t alone.

“Here cupcake,” Lorne said, sitting on the edge of the bed. He handed her a glass of water. “Drink it.”

Unable to do anything else, Cassie drank the cold liquid. It soothed the ravages of her throat brought on by her screaming. She wished it could take away the horrible images of her friends' deaths as easily as it slid down her throat. It didn't though, a lurking feeling of guilt wouldn't stop. It was just a dream, she told herself, and wished she could convince herself of that.

After she drained the glass, Lorne put it on the floor next to his feet. Miraculously Lorne produced a warm washcloth from his bag of tricks. Something else to soothe the pain away, but also giving her precious seconds to pull herself together. Cassie wiped the tears from her face, drawing it across her neck trying to cool the fire that was burning her body. Her hand covered her chest where the bullet of her dreams had penetrated, afraid she would find a gaping hole, yet she was…she was intact.

Kate took the washcloth from her and wiped the back of her neck while holding up Cassie’s hair. It felt good to be comforted. To be taken care of. It was a feeling she hadn’t had since her mother had died a few years before.

“You okay?” Kate asked, sitting back but taking Cassie’s hand in her own. “Sounds like it was pretty bad.”

“It was,” Cassie said, leaning back against the headboard. “They caught up to us. To Buffy and Spike.” She closed her eyes, but the images were only more vibrant against the blackness of her eyelids.

“It’s over,” Lorne said. He patted the hand Cassie held against her stomach. “We’ll be fine.”

“What if it’s not?” Cassie cried. She clung to their hands, fighting against the rising panic. The dream was too real. Almost prophetic in the details of the room they were trying to hide in, and in the evil of Luke’s laughter as he shot them dead one by one. “I’m scared.”

“I know,” Kate said. “I am too, but Spike is good, better than good, and he’ll protect Buffy.” She chuckled. “Buffy is a bit of spitfire so I wouldn’t worry too much about them.”

“They’re only human,” Cassie reminded them. “Spike isn’t the angel Buffy imagines him to be. He’s just a man.”

Their crestfallen faces made Cassie bite her lip, wishing she hadn’t said anything.

It felt like she had just sealed their doom.


~~~~~~


The warehouse was cavernous, yet somehow the members who lived there had made it as homey as possible. Old couches and chairs were scattered around a living and meeting area while there was a couple of tables with mismatched chairs in the corner they used as a kitchen. Nothing was new looking. Most of it looked like it had been heading for the dump when the desperate kids gave it a new life.

Meeting Gunn’s old friends wasn’t a fearful experience. A few of them, like Rico, made Buffy uncomfortable, but most were friendly. Or at least curious enough about her to give her a chance. Spike was the one having a hard time. Being a cop, he already had three strikes against him when he pulled the Desoto into the building.

Yet on Gunn’s word, they weren’t openly hostile to Spike. But, then again, they were watching him, waiting to see for themselves if he could be trusted. Buffy wasn’t sure how he was being so patient, but Spike was allowing them the time to get to know him.

There wasn’t any talk of business in the first hours they were there. They spent the afternoon with Gunn catching up with his buddies, Spike getting to know them, and explaining why they were there. Gunn, with money pitched in from Spike and Buffy, bought dinner for everyone. It wasn’t much. Pizza picked up from a restaurant a few blocks away, but Buffy suspected it was more than they usually had for a meal.

Full, content and tired, Buffy sat on an old crate, leaning against the wall with her arms wrapped around her knees. The guys were talking about playing some poker. She wondered if they would ever get around to talking about Manuel. The waiting was driving her crazy even if she did understand the game Spike and gang members were playing.

She was worried about Cassie and her friends. Even about Fred. If anything happened to the other woman Spike would be devastated and filled with guilt that nothing could ever diminish. She refused to think about the ramifications of that ending.

“Who cut your hair, girl?”

Buffy looked up to see Anita, a woman not much younger than Buffy, studying her. The pretty Hispanic woman reached out to play with the ends of Buffy’s hair.

“It looks like someone butchered it,” Anita continued.

“They did,” Buffy smiled. “It was done in a hurry with a regular pair of scissors.”

“Well, come on,” Anita said, reaching for Buffy’s hand. “I’m in my last semester of cosmetology so I can fix it for you.”

“I don’t want to be any trouble,” Buffy protested. She glanced over to where Spike was shuffling cards. He didn’t look up. There wasn’t any assurance that it was all right. It was up to her to make a decision. Biting her lip, she stayed seated.

“Don’t trust me, do ya?”

Feeling flustered by being so open with her feelings, Buffy shook her head.

“Hey Kendra,” Anita called to one of the younger members Buffy met earlier. Kendra was a pretty girl who couldn’t have been more than sixteen with an accent Buffy was still trying to pin down. “Tell Miss Careful that I know what I’m doing.”

Kendra rolled her eyes before sauntering over to them. Crossing her arms across her middle, she stared at Buffy with a blank expression that she wasn’t sure how to take. Buffy shrank back, waiting for the other girl to say something.

“You have a problem with Anita?”

“No, it’s not that,” Buffy said, running her hands through her hair. “I just don’t want to be a bother to anyone.”

“Anita offered so I don’t think it’s a bother,” Kendra said, shrugging. “I think you’re afraid.”

Kendra's barb hit its mark. Buffy hopped off the crate. For a moment, she met Kendra's gaze before turning to the other girl. "Okay."

Anita broke out with a big grin. "Kendra get my backpack," she said, grabbing Buffy's hand to pull her to a bathroom in the small adjacent room.

The bathroom had three stalls, which stood in the darkness that existed outside the reach of the two light bulbs over the sink. Buffy shivered despite the damp heat lingering in the air. It was too small for her comfort. She wanted to get out of there, but the reappearance of Kendra and a few other girls left her more determined to see this through to the end. The idea of a haircut wasn't the big deal. Even after all the changes she'd undergone, and all the advances, she was still unsure of her own beauty.

Spike always told her she was attractive, so did Charles, but so did the others she'd dated. The ones who tried to grope her body, or expected her to have sex with them just because they went out. For her, wanting to draw attention to her looks was an open invitation for trouble, yet there was a woman inside who wanted to feel beautiful.

Someone put a chair in the middle of the floor along with a floor lamp to help illuminate the space. She took a seat on the chair while Anita unloaded the backpack on the sink.

"Men are trouble," Kendra said, as if she could read Buffy's mind. "Gives you a power over them. They're all fools for a pretty face. Easy to play them when they're too busy drooling to pay attention. You look good for you, not them. "

"Come on, Kendra," Anita said, combing through Buffy's hair. "Buffy only wants to attract one man. A new look will give him a kick in the fucking ass and make him sit up and take notice."

"He's engaged," Buffy parroted. It still sounded absurd, no matter how many times she said it.

"Like that stopped any man who wanted a piece of ass," Kendra said, with a laugh.

"He wants more than that," Anita said, studying Buffy's face in the mirror. She rearranged Buffy's hair in several different ways. "They're in love. Gunn even said that."

"Gunn is a fool who dreams of things he has no business dreaming about," Kendra snapped. "There is no out for us. Except for death."

"Come on, Kenny, not everyone is a welfare mom on crack," Anita whispered. "Not everyone is going to get shot in a drive by. I'm counting on Gunn. If he can make it, maybe I can to."

"Humph," Kendra muttered. "Yeah, then they fall in love and live happily ever after. Bullshit."

They reminded Buffy of the little voices in her head that warred over what direction she should take. Whether she should fight for Spike, be alone until she met someone else, or forget about love altogether.

Her eyes fluttered shut as Anita started cutting. A fantasy unraveled of the night before when Spike was in her arms, holding her like he used to, before Fred took him away. No, before they both grew cowardly about what they felt, and tried to do the right thing in society's eyes.

Something in her heart cracked as she accepted that no matter how big the ring was or how long he stayed with the other woman, Spike belonged to Buffy. Sometimes love transcended every right and wrong to explode for two people. Like it had the day Spike found her in the basement. Each click of the scissors was like a piece of the puzzle falling into place. No longer could she deny what she felt. No longer would she stand by and let some other woman claim the man she loved.

She just had no clue of how to go about getting him back.

"Okay now, I'm going to put some makeup on," Anita said.

Buffy opened her eyes to the girl standing between her and the mirror.

"No peeking until I'm done," Anita grinned. "Close your eyes."

For the next few minutes Buffy followed directions. Opening her eyes, scrunching her lips, and lifting her brows while hoping that she wouldn't look like a freak. It had been almost a decade since she wore so much makeup. A once daily event that she'd perfected to a science, but now she wore minimal makeup.

"We're done," Anita said. "Except for this."

"What?" Buffy looked up to see a shirt being handed to her. She didn't reach for it. "I don't need…"

"Yes, you do," Anita said.

"You look kind of hot," Kendra said. "Go ahead and put the shirt on and let's see the new Buffy girl."

Standing up, Buffy undid the safety pin holding her t-shirt together then pulled it over her head before reaching for the silky shirt that Anita was holding. She slid it on, staring down, unsure of how to fasten the lacy top. Surprisingly Kendra reached out to help her get it fastened.

Buffy giggled as Kendra arranged the material over her frame. At least, she did until the two girls stepped back so that she could see herself. Her reflection was that of a woman, not the teenage girl she once was, nor the battered shell who only wanted to survive, not even the shy woman struggling for a place in the world, but a bona fide woman.

The white material fastened by tiny hooks down her stomach, starting low enough to give a good view of her breasts and then flowing outward over her hips. She forced herself to look upwards at the hairstyle that Anita created. Most of it still reached her shoulders, but the front was layered to frame her face.

"You like it?" Anita asked.

"I love it," Buffy smiled, turning to the hug the young woman. "You're hired from now on to do my hair. Thank you."

"You did good," Kendra added. "Now, you going to do something with those looks, or are you going to continue to sit on the sidelines?"

A flush crept over Buffy's cheeks as she wondered how transparent she was in her feelings for Spike. "We have to…"

"You have to do nothing tonight," Anita said softly. "It's late. The guys aren't going to do no talking. They're playing cards until they trust each other so that means you can be waiting for him."

"Where? We checked out of the hotel this afternoon," Buffy said, with a shrug of her shoulders. When the two girls laughed, she crossed her hands in front of her.

"Let me show you around the place," Kendra said, opening the door. "Some of us live here, you know?"

~~~~~~

"Get in the back room," Wesley ordered, reaching for his gun and the cell phone at the same time.

Fred stood still for a second, uncomprehending of what was going on around her. This wasn't anything she was used to, despite working for the police department. She worked in a lab, pouring over evidence, samples of blood and DNA all day, not putting herself in harms way day after day. Her well-ordered and planned life was shattering into thousands of pieces of adrenaline-fueled panic. This wasn't what she planned on when she accepted Spike's proposal.

In the few months of their engagement nothing like this had happened. Spike may have dealt with this pending violence every day, but it was left at the door when he came home. They were friends and lovers, the perfect combination for a lifetime commitment.

At least it was until Buffy called Spike for help, and brought all this trouble to their lives.

"Go," Wesley said, pushing her on the back enough to propel her to run for the bedroom. "What the hell is happening?" She heard Wesley ask as she pressed herself to the wall, out of sight of the front room, but close enough for her to hear.

"What do you mean nothing? What's with the call on the emergency line for then? Damn it, there was someone banging around outside the door and then you bloody call…whatever. Let us know."

"Is it safe for me to come out?" Fred asked, still pressed against the wall.

"Yeah, the idiot downstairs in the car decided to check on us." Wesley ran his hand through his hair. "May as well put a damn arrow over our heads telling everyone where we are."

"Am I going to be moved again?"

Can I go home…is what she really wanted to ask, but already knew the answer.

"No, not yet. We're going to be stuck here awhile," Wesley said, turning to her as he tossed the phone on the couch. "You okay?"

Suddenly nothing was all right. All of the rationalizing of the situation exploded in a storm of emotions that burst of her.

"No, I'm not all right," Fred ranted. "I'm stuck in some damn place that I don't even know where it is, with a stranger that ignores me all the time, while my fiancé is with some little whiney brat that has him twisted around her little finger." She grabbed a glass from the coffee table and hurled it against the wall. It didn't make her feel better. "I love him, but it's not good enough for him. All he thinks about is Buffy. I hate it…I hate her." She burst into tears, letting all her frustration out. "Why doesn't she just go away for good?"

"I’m sorry," Wesley said.

He tried to put his arms around her, but Fred batted them away. She didn't want comforting. She wanted her life back. A part of her knew that it was probably gone for good. There was no way that Spike could be around Buffy for this long and not want to sleep with her. If he hadn't already done it.

"No, don't be sorry," Fred cried, backing up. "He should be sorry. He knew when he asked me to marry him that all he wanted was revenge for her fucking other men, but no, I thought he would love me because I was the one who waited for him, loved him. It's not supposed to be this way," she screamed.

"He's a fool," Wesley said.

This time he fought back when she tried to pull away. She gave up, sagging against Wesley's body letting him soothe away her anger. The strong arms holding her made her feel safe, as the tears poured in a torrent of pain. Fred let herself be led to the couch where Wesley cuddled her close to his chest. Wesley whispered comforting words in her ear until she quieted. Even as reality seeped back in, Fred didn't want to move, Wesley didn't push her away, and she wondered if Spike would even care as she looked up into the eyes of the man holding her.


to be continued…

Chapter 16




Spike was holding a losing hand. Two threes, a one-eyed jack, an eight, and a queen. Lousy. He was losing his shirt to the grinning youths sitting around the table with him. Only two choices were open to him, try to bluff his way through the hand or fold. He hated folding. He hated losing. About ready to lay down his hand, he heard Rico give a long low whistle. Looking up, he found the other guys staring at the far doorway of the room. Giggling the girls were returning with a girl he hadn't seen before. She was worthy of the whistle.

Like an idiot, Spike felt his mouth fall open. It was Buffy. Yet it wasn't. It was the woman Buffy promised to be if she ever let herself bloom. This incarnation was strutting with confidence in her own beauty. Her eyes never left his as she came closer to him. Her eyes never tore away from his and he found himself drowning in the heat radiating from them. Like the night in the gym when she first returned to him. The first night they had sex. Yet this time there was knowledge in those depths that Buffy knew exactly what she wanted.

It was him.

God help him. He wanted her, too.

"Yo Spike, you're showing your cards," Chow said, laughing. "Think you need to give up the game. Cuz', fucker, that hand gonna take you down the toilet."

The others laughed, too. Spike rubbed his face, threw his cards on the table, and chuckled. His face was burning with an honesty he couldn't hide. There wasn't embarrassment or shame in the way he felt, just regrets that he had been too stupid to know when to do the right thing. The mistakes he'd made since Buffy left flashed in front of him like neon signs pointing the way to hell. His own personal hell. The one he created when he let his fear lead the way.

"Whoa Buffy, you looking good," Rico said.

Buffy hesitated. The confidence slipped. Spike could see the uncertainty returning. It made him want to punch Rico for making her feel uncomfortable. It also made him thankful that she wasn't alone with the pervert.

"Watch it," Gunn warned.

Spike flashed him a grateful look, but was surprised to see the warning included him. Buffy had someone else on her side. Someone who would protect her from being hurt. He expected to feel jealous. Instead, he felt grateful. That support would only help her to grow. He needed to accept that Buffy wasn't a little girl in need of protection. She also wasn't a girl out to make up for lost time by dating every man in sight. Nor was she out looking for someone better than him. She was just trying to make it in this world, like him.

"Yeah Rico," Spike said, grinning. "She's not interested in you."

"You sure she wants your ass?"

The question only brought memories of making love to Buffy. It only escalated his hunger for the vision still a half a room away. There wasn't any doubt that she wanted him. Needed him, but that's what scared him. He was afraid he would let her down. Just like he had everyone else who needed him. It wasn't in him to fulfill other's expectations of him. No matter how deeply he wanted to make them happy.

Stiffening, he told himself that he wasn't any good for Buffy. He'd already let her down. The best thing he could do was to stay far away from her. Let her have the freedom to find a young man who could give her everything. Youth, idealism, and most of all the purity of a love not tainted by her horrific past.

He needed a smoke. Standing up, he smiled at the girls. "You look beautiful, Buffy. More grown up than I've ever seen you."

"Thank you," Buffy replied, blushing. She looked over at the other guys for a mere second before she returned her gaze to Spike. Questioning, she searched his face. Probably looking for something more than the indifference he was trying to project. He couldn't let her get her hopes up that this makeover would change things between them.

"I'm going to head up to the roof to smoke," Spike said, nodding at everyone, but avoiding Buffy. If he could have he would have run, but he forced himself to walk to the stairs in the corner. Everyone was staring at him. So much for acting cool. He'd already blown it. No one was going to believe this pitiful act that Buffy wasn't making his skin ache with wanting to touch her. If only he could go back to the day they decided it was best for her to leave. He would beg her to stay. Give in to everything but the logic that ruled him at the time.

He yanked open the door, letting it bang against the cement wall to relieve some of the frustration filling him. It didn't help.

~~~~~~~~~

The rejection stung. Buffy's first reaction was to hide. Wipe off all the makeup and throw on the first pair of sweats she could grab. Anything to hide her dashed hopes of being a normal girl. For a few minutes, in the company of these other women, she almost forgot who she was and the past that would never go away. She almost believed that she had a future with Spike. The only man who knew everything about her. The only one she trusted with all of her.

"Don't you dare," Anita said, putting an arm around her shoulders. "You want him, you fight for him."

"I told you that you were filling her head with fairy tales," Kendra said.

"Shut up Kendra," Anita said. "Sometimes people need a little push."

"Please don't," Buffy said, torn between her emotions and the desire to run. "Just leave it alone."

She pulled away and turned, looking for a way out of this. A way to get back to the carefully controlled life she was living only a week ago. In that life she felt safe behind her barricades and the false security that she could protect herself. It wasn't real, but there she could pretend.

Strong hands grabbed her shoulder making Buffy jump.

"It's just me, little girl," Gunn's voice whispered in her ear. He turned her around to face him. "Take a deep breath."

"I'm sorry Charles," Buffy whispered. "I'm so sorry. I wanted to…I knew there wasn't a chance…and I just couldn't."

"Don't. It's okay. You and me was a dream, nothing real. Nothing like you've got with that man."

"That man doesn’t want me. He just ran away from me."

"That's because he's scared. The kind of love you have for him makes him terrified. Don't blame him. It's hard being somebody's hero. Give him a break. Fight through his walls and let him know that you love him for the man he is, not the man he thinks he has to be for you."

"I don't ask him to be anything but him," Buffy said. She shook her head. "All I need is Spike."

"Even when he makes mistakes? Or do you expect him to always be up on that pedestal only getting down long enough to take care of you?"

"What are you talking about?"

"Today in the car, after you freaked, you clung to that man like he was the only thing real in this fucking world. Like he was the only one that could ever make you safe."

"No, I didn't," Buffy protested. It was an automatic response. She didn't want it to be real. No one could live with that kind of pressure. Her eyes fluttered shut as the years unfolded before her eyes including a drawing of Spike with angelic wings she'd drawn when she was in the hospital. An image she still carried to this day.

"Yes you did, baby," Gunn's voice was gentle. "I know you love him, but do you like him?"

"Of course I do," Buffy whispered. "He's my best friend. He got me through so much, helped me."

It sounded so one-sided. She did all the taking. What had she ever done for Spike? Except keep coming into his life and messing it up. He deserved to be with someone who could really love him, like Fred. Someone who met him on an even playing field, not someone who always needed to be rescued.

"It doesn't have to be that way," Anita said, coming up beside them. There was gentleness on her face that reminded Buffy of her mother when she was younger. Before the bad times. Anita stroked Buffy's hair. "I know what you're thinking. That you're always taking from him. I understand, but you don't need him. From what Charles has told me you've proven that you can take care of yourself. Being with him should be because you want to be, not because you don't think you can do it alone."

"I'm always scared," Buffy said. "I'm always checking over my shoulder, always waiting for someone to grab me, it's only when I'm with Spike that I feel safe."

"Everyone's afraid of something," Kendra said with a shrug. "Look around you. Why the hell do you think we're here? Nobody out there really gives a shit about us. So we made our own family."

That was something Buffy understood. Once she could get away from the control of her mother, she ran to Spike and built her own family from the friends she'd met in her own life. They were her support system. More so than the parents who raised her. She loved them, but after keeping her prisoner again, she didn't think she would ever come to fully trust them again. Her mother still tried to find the girl she lost the day Buffy was kidnapped, and her father couldn't face what happened. He still hoped it was a bad dream. So, he often avoided, not only the facts, but her as well.

"It's a good family," Buffy said. "I think the family we find is sometimes better than the family we were born into."

"First thing about you I've found to like," Kendra said.

"Spike is part of my family," Buffy whispered. "He's the only person I completely trust."

"He's breaking your heart," Kendra said.

"Quit with the man hating shit Kendra," Charles barked. "Not every man is your old man," he added more softly. Almost apologetically. "I know I'm not." He reached out to rub Kendra's back. "Spike loves the girl. I've seen the way he looks at her. It's just a heavy burden…"

"What? To be superman?" Anita asked. "Prince Charming? That's what every girl needs."

"Spike tries," Buffy said in his defense. "He's a good man. His mother was sick. Died when he was still young. It really messed with his head."

"See. Exactly what I mean," Charles said. "The dawg can't stand to be needed."

"People," Rico shouted. "We have got Freud in the house tonight. Have a problem? Need your head shrunk? Charles Gunn is the one who can solve it all."

"Shut up," Charles retorted. "You're just upset that the girl didn't turn to your sorry ass for comfort."

"I wouldn't give her comfort," Rico said, grabbing his crotch. "I'd give her something that would make her forget all about that sorry bastard."

"Don’t talk about me like that," Buffy said. Rico frightened her at first. His last remark didn't frighten her. It made her angry. "I don't like you."

"It's got nothing to do with liking, bitch." Rico looked around at the other males gathered around him for the expected support. Some cheered him on, but there were a couple, like Chow, who looked uncomfortable. "It's all about you and me fucking."

"Well, if you couldn't tell, I don't want to fuck you," Buffy said, surprising herself with the strength in her words. She raised her chin a fraction. Racing inside her mind was all the defensive moves she ever learned. Not that it would get that far, but it made her feel stronger.

Anita snickered. "You go girl."

"Rico, quit being an asshole," Kendra added. "Nobody here into your macho stud game. You ain't impressing no one."

"I think the girls are telling you to behave," Charles said with a chuckle.

Buffy could tell Rico was backed into a corner. She changed her stance so she would be ready to defend herself. Hoping to defuse the situation, she changed her tone to say, "Rico, I'm sorry, but I love Spike. I tried being with other men and it didn't work. I want to settle things with Spike first."

"Then you're a fool, girl," Rico said, standing up. "He's not worth your time."

"Maybe, but I have to finish it one way or the other," Buffy said.

"Well, when you're ready for a real man, you come see me."

It was hard to hide the smile. Never in a million years would she ever be attracted to the arrogant street thug who didn't know how to treat women. She hoped the girls in the gang could eventually teach him a few things. It was doubtful, but at least she knew they wouldn't put up with his attitude either.

Rico threw down his cards, grabbed his beer off the table, nodded at a few of the guys and took off to one of the other rooms. Surprisingly without saying another word. Buffy felt relieved that he was gone without any more confrontation.

"See Buffy, you took care of things just fine," Charles said, squeezing her shoulders. "You're not a weak little girl anymore. You just need to make sure that Spike knows that."

"If I'm not weak then why am I shaking?"

"Because the adrenaline's gone," Anita said. "Normal after a fight."

Buffy gave a weak smile. "I still want to turn tail and run."

"You didn't," Kendra said. "You did good."

"Thanks." Buffy let out a whoosh of pent up air. Although, she didn't think Rico was going to forgive her rejection, it was over for now. She was proud of herself for handling the situation the way she did. Maybe Charles was right. She wanted it to be true that she could take care of herself without Spike. Yet she wanted Spike to stand beside her. "I think I'm going to go talk to Spike."

"I think that's a good idea," Anita said.

Smiling, Buffy hugged the other girl. "Thank you. You're a good person." Reaching out she grabbed Kendra to pull her into the hug. "You too."

"Don't forget it either," Kendra said, reluctantly patting Buffy's back.

Buffy didn't protest. It wasn't that long ago, that she didn't want anyone to touch her either, but she wasn't that girl anymore. Hadn't been in a long time, she just hadn't accepted it. It was time she did.

to be continued…

Chapter 17


Buffy took a deep breath to steady her racing nerves before stepping out of the stairwell and onto the roof. She could see Spike sitting on the edge, a lit cigarette in his hand. Thankfully, he didn't look angry, or even sad, just pensive. It probably wasn't even her that had driven him here. At least she hoped. She didn't want to be the cause of any more problems for him.

"Hello," Buffy said, when he didn't acknowledge her presence. He seemed deep in thought as he looked out over the city streets below them. A warm wind blew softly around them as she approached the edge.

"We haven't spent this much time together in a long time," Spike commented, turning to meet her gaze.

"No, we haven't," Buffy stopped a few feet away from him, unsure how he felt about being in her company. She crossed her arms, holding herself, and wishing it was him. "I'm just sorry that it took trouble to get us to talk again."

"Sit," Spike gestured to the ledge next to him.

She did, but not before peeking over the edge to see how far down it was to the street. It was a two-story building, so it wasn't too bad. Not that she wanted to fall no matter what the height. Dying wasn't in any of her plans for the near future, neither was a long hospital stay.

"Why did you come up here?" Buffy asked, deciding to be bold. She'd come this far, no backing down now. She loved him. They may have a future and maybe they didn't, but no longer would she deny how important he was to her, nor would she cower like a scared child. He needed to see that she was a woman who could manage in the world without a protector.

Spike shrugged. "Needed some air and a smoke."

"Oh," she paused. He hadn't given her much to continue the conversation. She could make it work though. "Do you feel better?"

"Yeah." Spike ran the back of his hand down her hair. "I do and even if I didn't say so before, I like the new coiffed brunette Buffy. You keep changing on me. Scares the crap out of me sometimes."

"Is that why you left?"

"Yeah, your new look knocked my socks off."

"Thank you," Buffy said, as her face flushed with embarrassment. It always came down to Spike's opinion. She knew it wasn't a good thing to have all her confidence come from someone else, but she wasn't ready to look in the mirror and be that girl she was at fourteen. Somewhere in the back of her mind, the arrogance she held at her good looks was forever linked in being picked as Peterson's victim.

"Don't," Spike whispered, cupping her face. "Believe in yourself, Luv. It wasn't your fault."

"I know," Buffy said, comforted by the fact that Spike did still know her. "I get scared that if I try too hard to be pretty that it will get me into trouble again."

"You don't have to try to be pretty. You're beautiful even when you don't try. I find you in baggy clothes and steel-toed boots to be damn sexy."

Laughing, she pulled away from his touch. "Yeah, thanks. I'll remember that if I ever want to turn you on."

"You don't have to try hard, pet. You never did. I'm always ready."

"Don't forget your fiancée."

"Trying not to do that." Spike rolled his head as he gave a loud exhale of frustration. "It's all a bloody mess, isn't it?"

Smiling, she joked, "not yet, but it might be if Fred finds out what you said." She paused as the seriousness of the situation came crashing back. "Or what we've done." She looked away from Spike so she was facing out over the nearby buildings. It was confession time. No longer could she hide. They needed to be truthful if they were going to ever have any relationship in the future. "The girls made us a pallet in a private space so that we could be together tonight. Everyone says I should just take back what is mine, but you're not mine."

"No, I'm not, am I? I promised to marry another and poor Fred said yes and wears my ring."

"Poor Fred?"

Spike sighed. "I overreacted to a situation that I never should have reacted to at all. I’m sorry, Buffy, for not asking you to explain. For ever doubting your morals." He took her hand, squeezing it gently. "For hurting you, for being so angry with you when there wasn't any reason to be, and when all of this is over, we are going to sit down and have a long talk. Okay?"

It wasn't much. He hadn't even explained his remark about 'poor Fred'. He hadn't said that he was still in love with her. Yet, somehow, in his apology, he'd given her more hope than she'd held for them in what seemed a forever of loneliness. All she could do was nod.

"This pallet thing you mentioned," Spike said, with a grin after a minute. "It might not be a bad idea."

Buffy started. "What? Huh?"

"I don't like the way Rico looks at you. It would probably be a good idea for you not to sleep alone. Not that I think he would be too stupid with me and Gunn here, but I would prefer not to take any chances." He shrugged. "Unless you prefer Gunn."

"Thank you," Buffy said. "I'd be more comfortable with you. I'll be glad when we're away from that creep. He makes me nervous."

"Yeah, me too. Tomorrow morning, I'll press for information on Manuel and then we'll get the hell out of here, okay?"

Buffy nodded. She hated all this sitting around. It was too confining. She would much rather be trying to figure out who the bad guys were so she could go back to her life. Not that her former life would be waiting. It never did. She wondered how most people adjusted to the changes in their life. Or did they experience the knife cutting suddenness of endings like she seemed to experience. Maybe this time would be the last time. If only. She crossed her fingers and sent out a silent prayer for a happy ending.

~~~~~~~~~~

Buffy was still sleeping. He didn't want to wake her up yet. She was tired. Not only physically but emotionally from everything they'd gone through since Cassie had found them. Last night she clung to him in her sleep, and he held her as tight as he could. Tried to give her the security she needed to rest without worry. It was the least he could do. Easing away, he tried not to disturb her too much, but she only rolled over and continued to sleep.

It was time to press Rico for information. Things were stalemated long enough. He had no idea how the others were doing, if everyone was safe, and if the DEA was any closer to arresting Luke and his superiors. He was going to find out what he could, and then get in touch with his captain. It was time to close things up so they could go back to their lives. He was ready to make changes, to take the steps necessary to bring Buffy back into his life, and hopefully as more than just friends.

Spike walked out into the main area. Rico was sitting at the table where they'd played poker, with Gunn sitting across from him. Both were eating some fast food for breakfast. When Gunn saw him, he held the bag up.

"Couple more sandwiches in here," Gunn said. "Help yourself."

"Guess coffee is too much to ask for?" Spike asked, taking a seat between the other two men. He dived into the bag to grab a sandwich, not even really caring what was on it. It had been a long time since the pizza last night. "Thanks," he said, unwrapping the biscuit and took a huge bite.

"Stupid question," Rico said, watching Spike. "We ain't no damn office with some secretary taking care of you."

"Sorry, wasn't trying to insult anyone. Just slow to waking up."

Rico shrugged, taking a swig out of a soda can. "There's some soda over there." He pointed to some crates stacked in the corner. On top were resting some cases of various store brand sodas.

"Thanks," Spike said, going to grab one. He didn't want to insult Rico by telling him that he rarely drank soda, and especially not in the morning. It would do. At least it had some form of caffeine to rev his sluggish body. One of the pitfalls of getting older, he told himself returning to the table. "It seems to be a good time to talk. Not a lot going on at the moment."

"I don't want to tell you nothin'. You're a pig. I don't trust pigs."

"Feeling is mutual," Spike returned. "But Gunn says you can help us out here, so I'm willing to be in your company." He was trying to be nice when he really wanted to teach Rico a few lessons. Especially about the way he treated the women around him.

"Hey, I don't have to tell you anything. You can just drive on out of here. Fine with me."

"Whoa guys," Gunn interrupted. "This isn't going to help anyone out. Especially Manuel. Remember him, Rico? He was your brother at one time."

"Yeah, until the greed got a hold of him."

"Well, then let Spike here help him out."

"You just want to make that hot piece of ass of his happy," Rico retorted.

Clenching his fist, Spike refused to say anything. Slugging the punk was too easy, and exactly what Rico wanted. He wasn't going to go there. Not with so much at stake. He was just grateful Buffy was still sleeping.

"Hey, her name is Buffy," Gunn said. "No matter how you feel about Spike here, doesn't mean you have to disrespect me."

"Whatever," Rico said, rolling his eyes. "I'll keep my mouth shut."

"Tell me what I need to know, and I can get out of here," Spike said, with as much calm as he could muster. "How did Manuel go from being a part of this," he waved his hand to indicate the entire gang. "To being a drug dealer."

"He wasn't a dealer," Rico said. "He was a dope boy for the big guy, and it was for the benjamins. Manuel got tired of the living here in the hood with not much hope. He wanted more and he wanted it now."

"Do you know who he was distributing for?" Spike asked.

"About a year ago a man came rolling through here in his expensive wheels. Most of us ignored him. He smelled like trouble from a mile away. 'Sides there's enough places to get your dope round here without going to someone outside the neighborhood. Manuel got stupid. Started selling hard-core shit. Real fine dope. Hell of a lot purer than the crap cut here," Rico sat back, rubbing his hands together. "It started a street war and too many brothers died in the crossfire."

"Shit," Gunn interrupted. "Why didn't you call me?"

"And what the fuck would you have done? Come back so you could get shot too? Damn it, man, you got out so stay out. You know. Gives hope to a few of us around here."

"Why do you do it?" Spike asked. "You obviously have better sense. So, why get involved?"

"I don't do hardcore, dawg. That shit will fuck you up for life," Rico said, leaning back on the table. "You got any cigarettes?"

"Yeah," Spike reached into his coat to grab his pack. He handed it over and then took one for himself. "What do you plan on doing with the rest of your life?"

"Plan on getting out of here," Rico said. "My brother is in prison. Doing hard time all for drugs and over territory that people keeps claiming but nobody really owns. Ain't worth it to me."

Spike just nodded so as not to seem patronizing the other man. A streak of respect went through him for this group of kids who were fighting to make a life out of nothing. He swore when this was over he would find a way to help them out without putting them down. Maybe Gunn could help him figure that out.

"Did you ever find out who was bringing the new drugs in?" Spike finally asked.

"Yeah, there's some guy who owns a shipping line. Brings it in with the other legit goods so he looks like a stellar member of society. Masters or something is his name, but Manuel was answering to someone name Luke who is one of the henchmen for the big guy."

"Bloody hell," Spike mumbled. Rico was right about Masters being a model citizen. He was richer than god, with public ties to a lot of charities. It was going to be near to impossible to bring this guy down. The DEA could leave them in protective custody for years trying to get all the loose ends tied up. "We're in major trouble."

"You know about this dude?"

"Yeah, unfortunately. Too public and he's probably got people on his payroll in every branch of law enforcement."

"Well, I guess we know how they found us," Buffy said, walking across the room toward them. She pushed her hair away from her face as she took the last available seat at the table. "This doesn't look good for the others, does it?"

"Maybe not," Spike said, pushing the bag with the last biscuit toward her. "But not necessarily. I know my Captain is a good guy. We just need to let him know."

"You going to call him?" Gunn asked. "Let him know."

"I'd be careful throwing the FYI around," Rico said. "Manuel tried to use it to cut Luke out of the way. They killed him without asking any questions. They're not going to fuck around. If your friends are with the wrong people, they may as well be dead."

"Then I guess it's up to us," Buffy said. She took a bite of the sandwich, looking too innocent as she returned Spike's stare. Already plans were being formed in her head. He could see it in her eyes. Obviously she had been listening for awhile and heard too much for his comfort. "We'll find a way," she said to make her point.

Spike was going to have to walk through hell to keep her safe. He just hoped they both survived.

to be continued...

Chapter 18



The Port of Los Angeles was buzzing with people. Shouts could be heard amid the grinding of machinery and the clanking of metal containers hitting one another as they were removed or loaded onto a ship. Spike parked the Desoto in the last row of the lot in front of Masters Shipping Company. The sun bouncing off the water and metal was blinding in its heat. Gunn shifted in his seat wishing that a breeze, however miniscule, would come their way.

"Now what?" Buffy asked, from her place in the front seat between the two men.

"We need to find out what shipments are coming in and which ones the drugs are hidden in," Spike said, almost as if he was thinking aloud.

Gunn watched Spike run his hand through his hair, making it stand up even more than the way Buffy had fixed it earlier. He shook his head. This whole scenario was just way too weird for him. He figured he never would have seen Buffy again, much less be hunting down a killer with her and her avenging angel ex-boyfriend. He probably should have stayed in Seattle. It would have been easier on his ego.

"Are you planning on just going up there and asking someone?" Gunn asked, letting some of his frustration come through in his voice. "Maybe we could even walk into Masters' office and ask him directly."

"That might work," Spike said in that faraway voice again. "It would save a lot of time if we could."

Buffy giggled. "I think he's got sunstroke or something."

"Something," Gunn said. "Yo man, we're going to start attracting attention even all the way back here if we don't do something." He reached behind Buffy to smack Spike on the shoulder. "Let's just get a lay of the land, split, and come back tonight to do some investigating."

"No, I've got a better idea," Spike said. He seemed to have snapped out of it as he turned to look at the other two. "I'm going to go apply for a job here. That will get me inside the office and maybe a chance to find out something."

"I don’t think that's a good idea," Buffy said, laying a hand on Spike's arm. "There are people looking for us. What if it is Masters? How do we know that those goons don't do double duty and work here, too? You could get killed."

"She's right," Gunn agreed.

"I'm a cop," Spike said. "I'm trained to take care of myself."

"Yeah, but you wouldn't have back up. The Captain has no idea of the new developments so no one knows where to even find us if we get into trouble," Buffy protested, crossing her arms to hold herself. She looked frightened as she stared out the front window of the car. "Gunn and I couldn't do anything if you got into trouble. Please don't do this."

Buffy's panic attack the other day had shown Gunn how many unresolved issues she still carried from her kidnapping. It had also revealed how deep her feelings for Spike ran. He was awed that one person could have so much need for another. Despite his own attraction for this woman, he was glad that she had found someone with enough strength to deal with her past. She shouldn't have to be afraid she would lose Spike. Gunn sighed, knowing he was in too deep to back out now. His ego would just have to deal.

"I'll go apply," Gunn said. "They don't know I'm with you two."

"I can't ask you to do that," Spike said, reaching for the door handle.

Gunn grinned as he yanked his door open and jumped out. Before he left, he leaned into the car to say, "I'll be back. Keep your ears open for a man screaming like a girl. That would be me and I do expect the Calvary." He shoved his hands in his jacket and took off toward the office.

"You're really stupid," Gunn mumbled to himself as he looked around half expecting someone to start chasing him. He didn't know anything about being on the side of the law, only about running from it. No one was waving guns at him, but two men were smoking by the building. They were eyeing his advance through the parking lot. He wasn't sure if it was suspiciousness or curiosity and probably couldn't tell the difference anyway.

There was only way to find out. Gunn waved at the men and hollered a hello at them. One of them waved back after a second of hesitation. Taking it as a sign Gunn walked over to them.

"Anything we can help you with?" The shorter of the two men asked around the cigarette hanging out of his mouth.

"Hey, the name's Gunn. I'm looking for a job. Do you know if anyone down here is hiring?"

"You got any experience?"

"A little here and there," Gunn said. He shrugged. "Never really worked on the docks, but I learn fast and am willing to do just about anything."

They looked him up and down then at each other. The shorter guy seemed to be the only one of the two capable of speech because after they checked him out, he said, "There might be an opening. Ask for Lilah when you go inside. She does all the hiring and firing."

"Thanks man," Gunn said. "I appreciate it."

A pretty blonde was sitting at the front desk when Gunn walked in. She was on the phone giving him the opportunity to look around the bare bones office. There were only a few hard plastic chairs in the lobby, no pictures on the walls and a small stack of old magazines on a side table. It didn't seem like they wanted anyone to hang around. A murmur of voices could be heard from the back. Nothing Gunn could make out so he waited.

"Welcome to Masters Shipping," the receptionist said after banging down the phone. "Can I help you?"

"I'd like to see Lilah."

"Do you have an appointment?"

"No," Gunn said, shaking his head. "But I heard she does the hiring and I'm looking for a job."

"Have you filled out an application?"

"Uh, not yet," Gunn said.

She thrust a clipboard and a pen at him. "Fill this out. I'll let Lilah know you're here."

With that the young woman dismissed Gunn as she turned back to her computer. Somehow, he was going to have to figure out a way to get information to take back to Spike and Buffy. The two of them didn't need to be wandering around this place. Choosing a seat where he could see the front door and be closer to the hallway where he might be able to make out some of the conversations coming out of the back offices, Gunn started filling out the application.

~~~

Cassie pulled her legs up, wrapping her arms around them as she stared blankly at the television. An old detective movie was playing. The hero and heroine were searching for a killer, but the search was filled with more madcap comedy then with tense moments. The hero had to keep rescuing his beautiful blonde partner from the trouble she kept finding. She played the damsel-in-distress to perfection. And she reminded Cassie of Buffy.

"What are you watching?" Kate asked, sitting on the opposite end of the couch from Cassie. She cradled a cup of fragrant steaming coffee in her hands.

"Some old movie." Cassie said, not being able to say what she really wanted. That since her dream she was really worried about Buffy and Spike. It was more than a dream. She could feel the truth deep down inside of her soul like a ticking time bomb. If only she could speak with either of them. If only she knew what they were doing. If only she could warn them. But she couldn't. Kate and Lorne watched her every step inside of this prison meant to keep her safe. Except it was driving her crazy with worry.

"You don't look like you're enjoying it."

Cassie shrugged. "I'm sick of watching television."

Technically, it wasn't a lie. She was sick of television, being enclosed in a space too small for three people, and questioning her own judgment. How could she have fallen for someone like Luke? Despite the fact that he seemed to fulfill her dreams and making her feel precious she knew there was danger lurking in his blue eyes. Now a father was dead, and people she already considered friends were in danger.

"It will be over soon."

"Yes, it will," Cassie agreed. "But the price will be too high."

"We don't know that yet," Kate put her coffee down. "Everything will be fine. Buffy and Spike can take care of themselves."

"I hope so."

~~~~~

"Charles Gunn?"

Looking up from the magazine he'd been reading, Gunn saw a serious looking woman standing at the entrance of the hallway. She didn't look very happy. It was probably the fact that he practically begged the receptionist to get him an interview on the spot. The blonde certainly hadn't been impressed, but he didn't care. It had worked. Now he just needed to charm Lilah Morgan.

"Yes," he said, tossing the magazine onto a table. He jumped up and crossed the tiny room in only a couple of strides. "I'm Charles," he held his hand out. "You must be Lilah Morgan."

"Obviously," Lilah said, taking his hand for only a second. "Seems you're desperate for a job?"

Not waiting for an answer, Lilah headed back down the hallway from which she had appeared. Gunn hurried to keep up with her. He was amazed that someone could move so fast in three-inch heels. Nothing slowed her down until she reached a door with a nameplate engraved with not only her name, but also the title of Personnel Manager. She sat behind a desk, and with a wave of her manicured hand indicated for him to take a seat opposite of her in front of the massive oak desk.

"To answer your question," Gunn said, after sitting. "I am in need of a job. I've been attending school in Seattle, but my mother just found out she has cancer and I have to come back to help take care of the family."

"A typical hard luck story," Lilah said, sitting back with her hands folded on her lap. "What does that have to do with Masters Shipping?"

Gunn shifted underneath her cold glare. There wasn't a drop of sympathy in her eyes. He wondered if she treated everyone this way or if she was just being hardnosed in a business that was mostly male oriented.

"Uh," he chuckled. "I'm a hard worker, learn fast, and I am willing to do anything. It doesn't matter to me. If you need it done then I'm your guy."

"Really." Lilah raised one eyebrow as she looked him over and then it dropped as she picked up his application. She looked it over. "You were going to college on an academic scholarship?"

"Yes, ma'am."

"Are you going to be content with doing manual labor? I mean, wasting your intelligence while you're beating your body to death under the hot sun?"

"I don't have much of a choice," Gunn shrugged. "Yeah, I'll be honest. It pisses me off that I have to give up everything to take care of them, but what choice do I have?"

"Everyone has choices," Lilah said. "You can forget about them and continue your education."

"I could, but I won't. Like I said, I'm going to take care of them. No matter what I have to do to accomplish it."

"Ever been in trouble before? Legal trouble?"

Gunn rubbed his cheek. He could tell she was fishing for information on his morality. On the outside he forced himself to stay calm, but on the inside he was jumping with excitement. He leaned forward.

"I won't lie to you. Got busted when I was underage for theft and for possession with intent to sell. Went through a program and I've stayed clean since."

"I like your honesty." Lilah stood. "I want to bring you back for a second interview after I check out your references. Can you come in tomorrow afternoon?"

"Yeah, yeah, that would be great," Gunn said. He headed for the office door. "Oh, what time?"

"Three o'clock would be great," Lilah said with a smile.

The phone on the desk beeped and the receptionist's voice came through the speaker. "Lilah, I'm sorry to interrupt but Wesley is on line three."

"Thank you," Lilah said. She glanced back at Gunn. "I'll see you tomorrow then."

"I'll be here."

Gunn almost skipped out of the building. He couldn't wait to tell Buffy and Spike everything.

to be continued…

Chapter 19



It was only one in the afternoon, but Kate was already so bored she could pull her fingernails out one by one. Instead, she picked at her cuticles while sitting across from Lorne at the kitchen table. No matter how much she sighed, he continued to read something out of a spiral notebook.

Giving up on him starting a conversation, she asked, "Isn't that Cassie's?" Kate nodded toward the book in his hands.

"Yeah, that crazy kid of ours has been writing poetry." Lorne looked up at Kate. "Very good, but it's pretty dismal reading."

"As bad as her nightmares?"

Lorne nodded. "Listen to this…,"

'I sit alone at my
window sill,
Trees crackle,
Sunshine blares and
children laugh like death.
Their sharp happiness is a
knife to me –
One jealous snake on a
window sill – They will be here, trees and sun,
and children with canes
and pruney skin – when I am but a memory'*…"

"It sounds like she's really scared," Kate said, taking a sip of her hot tea. "But we already know that from the nightmares that are coming every night now. She's so sure that Spike and Buffy are going to die."

"I just wish we could get some news, any news," Lorne said, sighing. "The not knowing is driving me crazy, too." He drummed his fingers on the tabletop. "I understand the Captain not sharing. Really, it's the only thing he can do. But man, just some kind of clue would be nice. I am ready to blow this popsicle stand and get back to living."

"Hey, I love you, too, Lorne," Kate said, with a laugh. "But if I didn't see you for the next month, I wouldn't miss you."

"Ha-ha, cupcake."

It was hard on all of them, but Kate knew Lorne felt responsible for Spike. They'd been partners for a while now, and that kind of bond was tighter than most relationships. Sometimes even closer than some marriages. If something happened to Spike, and Lorne wasn't there to back him up, it would tear Lorne apart. Kate could understand that. She reached across the table to cover Lorne's hand with her own.

"We've got to keep believing," she said. "We can't give them up for dead. I won't." She shook her head. "It's going to be all right."

"I wish I could believe that," Lorne said.

"You have to, Lorne," Kate pleaded. "If we give up on them, then aren't they already dead?"

The look of dejection on Lorne's face tore Kate in two. They were powerless to do anything to help their friends. Although, they both understood and accepted that an innocent needed their protection, sitting around wasn't something they were used to in their jobs. They were detectives. Being on the outside to hunt down the bad guys was what they did.

Yet, Kate had to believe that things would work out. That soon the case would end. That soon they would be home, celebrating Buffy and Spike's rekindled romance. Despite Cassie's nightmares, Lorne's frustrations and her own strangling fear, she would keep the tiny flame of hope in her heart burning.

"You're right," Lorne said, squeezing her hand and bringing her back to the present. "We're not giving up on them. It's Spike and Buffy, the super couple, nothing can bring them down. Right?"

Kate could only nod her agreement.

~~~~~

As far as motel rooms went, it wasn't too bad. At least it was clean, Buffy noted as she looked around. There weren't any nasty odors to the place. Not like the last hotel, they stayed in or even the warehouse. Plus, there was the added bonus that being in a motel there wasn't any chance of being trapped within the confines of the hallway. Sighing, she sat on one of the beds. She pulled the food bags toward her and started passing out the sandwiches and fries.

"You know if I get the job," Gunn said, unwrapping his burger. "I can get more information for you."

"Buffy, I'm going to make that telephone call," Spike said, ignoring Gunn's remark. He grabbed a few of Buffy's fries, stuffing them into his mouth as he made for the bathroom.

"What's with him?"

"Gunn, he wants you to go back to Seattle," Buffy said, taking a bite of her chicken sandwich. "I agree with him."

"Why?"

The hurt was as evident on Gunn's face as it was in his one word question. Buffy knew he was going to feel this way, but an earlier talk with Spike convinced her that it was for the best. Now, she just needed to convince her friend.

"We…I really appreciate everything you've done. Spike does, too. It's just that things are going to get dangerous, and we don't want you to get hurt."

"I can handle myself."

Buffy put her food on the nightstand before reaching out to cover Gunn's hand with her own. His wrapped around hers, familiar, the way they used to hold hands when they dated. Sometimes, she still wished things could have been different, but it couldn't.

"I know you can," Buffy said. "It's just that Spike doesn't want to be responsible for another civilian. He's really grateful for everything you've done, but it's going to…"

"Get dangerous. Heard you the first time." Gunn sighed. "What about you?"

"I'm fine. Spike and I know each other enough to be able to do things without talking."

"That's a laugh. Communication is the biggest problem between you two. Does he just want to get rid of me so he can be alone with you?"

"No, that's not it at all," Buffy insisted. It might not have crossed Spike's mind, but it had crossed hers. The case was going to move fast now that they knew about Masters. When all of this was over, she knew Spike would go back to Fred. This small space of time was hers, and she wanted to be with Spike as much as she could.

"Oh, for you, huh?"

She looked away, embarrassed that her feelings were so open. "It's safer for you. That's the most important thing. I couldn't take it if something happened to you."

Spike chose this moment to walk back into the room. There was a flicker of jealousy on his face at seeing them holding hands. "The Captain is on his way. He'll beep me when he gets here."

"Captain Robertson?" Buffy asked, in surprise. "Why is he coming?"

"The fewer people who know where we are, the better off we are," Spike said, with a shrug. "Gunn, he'll take you to the airport and make sure you get on a plane to Seattle."

"You trust this dude?"

"With my life," Spike said. "I know you care about Buffy, and without your help we would have stumbling around quite a bit until we found out anything about Masters."

"Yeah, I know, it's going to get dangerous," Gunn said, with a shake of his head. "What am I supposed to tell Lilah if she calls?"

"Tell her that things changed. That your mother convinced you to go back to college instead of wasting your life working on the docks."

"Still think I should stick around. I could get you a lot of information if I was working on the docks."

"Yeah, and you could get killed. Let me ask you a question," Spike sat on the bed beside Buffy. "Is police work what you want to do with your life? Getting shot at, digging around in people's garbage of lives, doing endless hours of paperwork all for really shitty pay?"

"No man," Gunn laughed. "Okay, I get your point. It was an experience, but hanging out with the gang did remind why I left."

"Go back to your life," Buffy said. "Live it to the fullest."

"Is this what you want?" Gunn asked. "Are you going to switch to become a cop?"

"I don't know." She could feel Spike staring at her, but refused to look at him. "Right now is all I can deal with. Luke knows who we are, so I have to see this through. To make sure that Cassie is all right, and to stop Luke from hurting anyone again. When it's over, then I guess I'll figure out what is next in my life."

Spike's phone beeped. "Guess Captain is here." He stood, drawing his gun. "Stay here. Let me check things out first."

Not waiting, Buffy stood, pulling out Spike's extra gun that had been in her bag. She made sure it was ready for use. Gunn was shaking his head at her. Before this all started, she only handled a gun at a shooting range, but she was beginning to feel naked without it beside her. Maybe she was changing because she knew if Luke were trying to kill her or someone close to her, she wouldn't hesitate to pull the trigger. Not anymore.

"Okay, it's clear," Spike said, gesturing for Gunn.

"Come with me, Buffy," Gunn said, taking her hand. "You can have that life you want in Seattle."

"No," Buffy said, shaking her head. She glanced at Spike whose face was expressionless. His eyes weren't though. They showed the jealousy he was feeling. "I tried. That life was for the Buffy I used to be before I was kidnapped. It's not for who I am now."

"You're letting the bastard who hurt you take everything away from you."

"He's not. Not anymore. I've changed," Ignoring Spike for the moment, she stepped forward to kiss Charles on the cheek. "I like who I am. I've seen hell. I know what the dark side is, and I never have to worry about being disillusioned again." She turned to meet Spike's eyes before she continued. "It makes life more real, and the happiness more precious."

"I guess I understand," Charles said, pulling her into a hug. He kissed her quickly. "Take care of yourself," and with an almost reluctant gesture of his head to include Spike, he added, "And him. Someone has, too."

Buffy smiled while Spike laughed. Spike was saying anything, but Buffy knew that later, when they were alone, they would talk. There was too much electricity dancing between them for her conversation with Charles to be ignored. Right now, though, it was more important to get Charles to safety.

"Let's go," Spike prompted. He opened the room door again, and stood in the entrance with his gun drawn.

Then with a nod, Charles was gone, following Spike out the door of the room. Buffy edged to the door, staying in the shadows with her gun drawn. She stood poised until she heard a car door shut. Then held her breath until Spike returned to the room. They stared at each other, holding their guns, both ready to fight as the door shut behind Spike.

In that moment, Buffy knew they were two of a kind. As different as they were, they were both cut from the same mold. Love had nothing and everything to do with the binds between them. They had both stood in the same hell and survived. That hell was the understanding and the strength and weakness between. Now, if only Spike would realize that same truth.

~~~~~

Fred giggled as Wesley covered her eyes with his hands. He'd promised her a surprise if she would only obey him. First, by waiting in the bedroom and then by letting him blind her as he led her out of the room.

"Trust me," he whispered as they started walking.

"Do I have a choice?"

"Not really. Three more steps."

They stopped in what she assumed to be the dining area of the suite. Her mouth started to water and her stomach rumbled at the spicy aroma of Mexican food filling the air. It smelled like a feast. She couldn't wait for Wesley to turn her loose. It seemed ages since lunch.

"You ready?"

"Yes, I'm starved."

"Well then, you should be happy."

She could hear the smile in Wesley's voice as he took his hands from her face. She blinked, trying to focus at the table in front of her. There was a platter of tacos; bowl of beans and chips and salsa, but the biggest surprise was the small birthday cake with two burning candles.

"I can't believe it. How did you know?"

"Your file," Wesley said pragmatically. "Make a wish and blow out the candles before we are eating wax."

A day before Fred would have wished to be able to return to her life and her fiancée Spike, but this surprise from someone who was being paid to guard her was more touching than anything she'd experienced in a long time. She doubted Spike even remembered it was her birthday. After all, last year he hadn't even attended the party thrown by her co-workers.

"Are you all right?" Wesley placed his hand on her lower back, looking down into her eyes.

"Yes, I'm sorry," Fred said, leaning down to blow out the flickering candles. "This is really wonderful. Thank you."

"I think you're worth it," Wesley said. "Come sit. I've been slaving over a hot stove for hours."

Wesley even held a chair out for her. He was such a gentleman. Why couldn't he have come into her life before? She sighed. Nothing was permanent. It wasn't as if she even had a wedding date set. And after this adventure was over, she had a feeling that Spike would be ready to discard her like yesterday's news.

"How did you mange this?" Fred reached for a taco, putting it on her plate.

"A few phone calls," Wesley said. "And calling in a few favors from some buddies at the station."

"Is that safe? I thought no one was supposed to know where we were."

"We're safe." Wesley covered her hand. "I know this has been hard on you so I just added a few items to the list for the grocery run. That's all. Just wanted you to think that I went to a lot of trouble for you."

"Just that you thought of me means a lot."

This time is Wesley's turn to sigh. "Fred, you're a very special woman. I think your fiancé is not only blind but stupid for not making sure that you know that."

Fred could feel a blush staining her cheeks. Wesley was saying all the right things. Doing all the right things, but could she trust him? Trust anything that came out of the forced environment they were surviving in. This wasn't real life, but she wanted to believe in this fairy tale. Maybe it wouldn't hurt to enjoy this time. Maybe when it was over, it wouldn't have to end. She took a bite of her taco. At least her enjoyment of the food wouldn't have to be questioned.

to be continued…





*Thanks to my_perfect_muse for having the words to Cassie's poem and to the writer's of Buffy the Vampire Slayer for writing the poem that fit so well into my fic.

Chapter 20


“That should do it,” Spike said, stepping back to inspect their work.

After coming in from seeing Gunn off with the Captain, Spike went into ‘securing the place’ mode. The mattress from one of the beds was wedged against the large front window with the dresser holding it in place. ‘Just in case’ was his explanation. Buffy didn’t ask for more than that. She understood. She also understood why the other mattress was lying on the floor instead of the bed. The lower they were the better the chance they wouldn’t be hit by any bullets if someone decided to shoot into their hotel room.

“Come eat,” Buffy said, returning to the mattress to sit cross-legged in the middle. Their dinner was cold, but it was still food, and all they had for the night. Feeling ravenous, she stuffed a few French fries in her mouth, before unwrapping the rest of her chicken sandwich.

The mattress dipped as Spike sat across from her. He grabbed the bag with his food in it. For the next few minutes, they concentrated on eating, but Buffy could almost hear Spike thinking. He would pause almost as if he was going to say something then shove more food into his mouth. After a few times of this she couldn’t take anymore.

“Whatever you want to say, just say it.”

“What are you talking about?” Spike tried to appear innocent, but it wasn’t working. He took another bite, not saying anything, but then blurted, “If you wanted to go with Gunn, I wouldn't…I mean you couldn't go, not now, but I'd understand if wanted to when this is over."

Buffy looked up to see piercing blue eyes studying her. She shivered under the intensity of emotions that were darting between them. It was too much and she took a moment to pull herself together by taking a bite of her sandwich. Being alone with Spike was making her nervous despite having wanted Gunn to leave. There was no place to hide and some of the comfortableness had worn off leaving her feeling frayed. So much for pushing for Spike to speak his mind because now she felt trapped by the heavy emotions between them.

“I didn’t want to go,” she confessed, after taking a sip of her soda. “What I told him was the truth, and like you said, I need to see this through before I do anything else. Plus I don’t want to be in Seattle…or with Gunn.”

“Okay,” Spike said, with a quick nod.

Buffy could tell it was one of those automatic responses people made when they didn’t know what else to say. It wasn’t as if she was expecting him to tell her that he didn’t want her in Seattle. Except somehow she couldn’t let it go either despite her uneasy feelings of getting in too deep.

“Did you want me to go?”

“No.”

It was silly, but she tucked that ‘no’ into her heart. It wasn’t what she wanted, but it was something letting her know that he didn’t want her to disappear. She sighed, crinkling the wrapper into a ball and shoving it into the French fry box. Plus it had been obvious he was jealous when Gunn asked her to leave. She wondered briefly what he would do if she told him she loved him. Probably make a lot of excuses for why it wouldn’t work, that he was still engaged to Fred, and a thousand other reasons to push her away. Just like always. Just like it had always been.

“You all right?” Spike asked.

“Yeah, I’m fine.” She forced a smile and lied, “I was just dreaming about a decent hot dinner.”

“I could do with a spot of good food,” Spike said. “Anything that doesn’t come from a drive-thru. Hmm, a good home cooked meal would hit the spot.”

Ignoring the fact he was probably talking about Fred’s cooking, Buffy tried to joke. “Just not my home cooking, right?”

“You’re not that bad…,” Spike paused, then chuckled. “Okay, yeah you are.”

“Hey, it kept you fed plenty of times.”

“Yes, it did.”

A smile passed between them that spoke of their shared memories. The moment helped Buffy to relax. She stretched out on her side with her head propped in her hand. Spike was still eating his hamburger even though it had to be congealed grease by then.

“When we get through this, I’ll treat you to a decent dinner,” Buffy said. “After all, it’s my fault that you’re in this mess.”

“Not going to argue with you,” Spike said. He patted his stomach. “’Fraid I’m going to pay for this burger later.”

“Sorry.”

“Don’t say that. Not your fault. Not really. I chose the burger place.”

“Not what I meant.”

“I know what you meant, pet." He signed. "I chose to answer the phone. If I didn’t want to talk to you or help then I wouldn’t have picked up the phone.”

His casual remark brought her to full attention. It was something she’d never considered before. Despite the distance and time between them, he still picked up the phone when she called. Spike never wrote her off. Whether it was a feeling of duty, guilt or maybe something else, Spike still answered when she reached out to him. Apparently, he didn’t realize what he said because he continued to brush the crumbs off his jeans and clean up after their dinner. She put her hand over his before she could stop herself.

“I appreciate you being there for me,” Buffy said. “It means a lot to me.”

The bag of trash was thrown in the general direction of the trashcan. It landed on the floor. “I know.” He shook his head as if in defeat. “You mean a lot to me. Guess I’m just a fool.”

Startled, Buffy asked, "Why do you think you're a fool? Because you still care about me? Is that a bad thing?"

"No, I wouldn't say it’s a bad thing," Spike said as if he was picking each word with careful precision.

As if he was trying not to start a fight. He shouldn't have bothered because she wasn't getting mad, just curious and very hopeful that he would tell her that he loved her. Too hopeful because she was sure it was going to just add to her heartbreak when they went back to their own lives.

"What would you say it was?"

"Let it go. It was just an expression."

"No, I won't let it go. You just said that you thought it was a stupid move to answer the phone when I called."

"That's not what I meant," Spike said. "I said and I meant that I'm a fool for always being there for you. Is that what you wanted to hear?"

"No," Buffy said, over a lump in her throat. "I wanted to hear you tell me that you…forget it."

"You wanted me to tell you that I care about you. After everything…you still want me to be there when you're lonely or need help. Well, like I said, I guess I'm that fool."

"Oh god," Buffy covered her mouth with her hand. "You make me sound so cold and selfish when you're the only one who ever made me feel safe." She turned her head away. "When I'm away from you I feel so alone. Like I’m just falling through space with no place to land."

"Buffy," Spike said, reaching for her, but she scooted back.

"Don't touch me. I can't stand to be pitied. Especially not by you."

She was against the wall and had nowhere to go when he wrapped his arms around her. She tried to stay stiff against him, but couldn't. Not when he was holding her with arms that would hold the world away. He tucked her head under his chin, rocking them, until she gave in, melting into him.

"I have never pitied you. I've hurt for you, and with you, but never have I thought you needed pity."

"I gave you all my secrets the other night," Buffy sniffled. "I told you everything, about why I came back to Los Angeles, why I was dating other men, and how much I wanted you, but it was too late. I'm always too late. So, I guess that makes me the fool. Not you."

"Oh lamb, I want to tell you everything, but…"

"You belong to someone else." Buffy pulled away. She crawled off the edge of the bed. "Yeah, don't let me forget that. Fred is here with us." She rubbed her face trying to erase what she knew was tear ravaged. She held a hand up. "You'll come running when I need help. Answer the phone when I call, hell you'll even have sex with me when you think I might turn to another man, but please, don't let me forget that you're engaged." She ignored the fact that her voice was rising. Sounding more hysterical with each word. She didn't care. "I'm the fool, isn't that right? Because as long as you know I love you, and you're the only man in my life, you're nice to me, but just as soon as I creep even a little bit away, you're going to do something to hurt me. Pull me back in with sex to ease my loneliness or fear, or even get engaged to someone who will never love you as much as I do. Anything as long as you don't have to commit to me. Do you have any idea of how much you hurt me? Do you?"

"Is that what you really think? That I can be that cruel?"

"You are that cruel!"

"I would never hurt you…"

"You already have," Buffy sat back on her haunches. She whispered, not sure if she was saying it to herself or to him, "You've hurt me more than he ever did."

"How? How can you say that? All I've ever done is try to take care of you. To keep you safe. Hell, I let you go so that you could have a chance on that fucking normal life everyone thought you should have."

Buffy looked up at him. "All I ever wanted was for you to love me."

~~~~~

Wesley pressed his ear against Fred’s bedroom door. The shower was running. Hopefully, she would be taking a long one. He slipped back into the other bedroom, shutting the door behind him. After sitting on the edge of the bed, he dialed a number that wasn’t in his phone. It was one he’d memorized. No one could know whom he was calling.

“Hello cowboy,” a husky feminine voice answered. “How’s the babysitting going?”

“It’s going fine, Lilah.”

“Not getting any funny ideas being all alone with that Texas twig, are you?”

Wesley laughed. He’d almost forgotten how intuitive Lilah could be about things. Plus, she was possessive as hell.

“Don’t be silly. She’s not half the woman you are.”

“Just as long as you remember…” Lilah said, almost purring.

“No way I could ever forget.”

No reason to worry when it came to Lilah. She was still under his thumb. Just like he needed her to be so he could get on with business. It was time to end all the charades.

~~~~~

Her words were devastating. Spike buried his face in his hands as he felt his soul rip apart. There was nothing he wouldn't do for Buffy. Including die. That would be easier than dealing with this relationship shit. Nothing had been the same since he found her that afternoon so long ago. Pieces of him kept falling away. He wondered if he looked in the mirror if the bruises he felt on his heart would appear on his body. Did she have any idea of how much she'd just beaten him into the ground? He wasn't and never would be Lance Peterson? Did it matter because was there anything left of him?

"I'm sorry."

It was stupid, trite and totally out of place, but he didn't know what else to say. How could he put everything he was feeling into words? There was no way he could.

"Don't worry when this is over you'll never have to see me again. I'll never call you."

Never before had he heard her sound so angry. Lost. Frightened. Determined, but never such fury. He should be relieved. Anger was a good emotion. It would move her to build her own life. To find a man more suited to give her everything that he never could. To give her everything she deserved. So why did he feel so abandoned?

Just like he did when he found out the truth about his father, when he watched his mother die, and like the day Buffy got on a plane to Seattle. The three worst days of his life. He wanted to hide, but there was nowhere to go. Not when there were people out there trying to kill them. He needed to focus on getting them out alive. Then he would deal. He shoved all the pain down into the deep well of his soul. Like he always did. Until he looked up. Until he looked into Buffy's eyes. Until he saw the hope still hanging on.

"I…I can't say what I want to say." Spike shook his head. "I made a promise to Fred. Maybe it isn't right. Maybe I did it to hurt you. Maybe I did it because I do love her. I don't know much of anything right now. But I do know that I'm living with her. She wears the ring I picked out for her. She's counting on me to come back to her. I’m sorry, Buffy. I have to go back to her before…I do anything else. Can you understand that?"

"Yes, be honorable. Stick to your word." Buffy laughed. "Unlike your promises to me. Guess that tells me everything I need to know."

Buffy started to turn away, but he grabbed her wrist. He went to his knees as if he was praying. "I'm here. I left her and our home to come to you when you called. Doesn't that tell you anything? When you told me your secrets, I told you that I would figure out a way to make this right; can you trust me a little longer?"

"Why should I? You said…"

"That I will always be a fool for you. Not that it was a mistake. Not that I didn't want to come…not that I regretted answering the phone. Only that you have a power over me that I can't control."

"I don't want to have a power over you," Buffy said, dropping to her knees so they were face to face. "I don't want you to have power over me." She cupped his cheek. "I want us to be equals, and I don't think you'll ever see me that way. You'll always find an excuse to push me away."

"That's not true," Spike protested despite the twinge of guilt that told him she was right. She was Buffy. She was his to protect, to take care of and to make sure she was safe despite it being a wanted burden. Did he really want to keep her away so that he wouldn't fail her? Like he had with so many other relationships in his past. Like he was failing with Fred.

"Yes, it is," Buffy said. "Maybe one day I can show you that I'm not your someone to save, and maybe then you'll stop trying to fight what you know is the truth."

And it was that truth that scared him so much.

to be continued

Chapter 21


The apartment was too quiet. No sounds came from outside the closed door of the bathroom. Fred stopped towel drying her hair as she cast a nervous glance around her. Fear shot through her at the screaming silence. Only in the middle of the night when they were both sleeping was the place void of sound. Either the television was on, or they were playing the radio. If nothing else, there should be the sound of Wesley moving about the place.

Dropping the towel, Fred grabbed her clothes off the towel rack to dress as rapidly as her shaking hands would allow. Shooting through her mind were visions of Wesley dead or bound as Buffy's killers waited for her to step out so they could take revenge on her. Despite the irrationality the reasoning, it was one more thing to lie at the blonde's feet. Anger mixed with her fear giving her a boost of courage. Fred started searching the bathroom for some sort of weapon.

"Oh god, I'm in protective custody and I have no weapon. That's really dumb of me," Fred muttered as she closed the top drawer of the vanity. Snapping her fingers, she grabbed her makeup bag. A moment later, she pulled out her cuticle scissors, winced at the futility of it as a weapon and then shrugged. It was all she could find so it would have to do. "Aim for the throat or the eye. Only chance you have," she told herself, opening the door.

A quick glance told her that the hallway was empty. She listened, but still no sounds reached her. Not even a crackle on the air. Holding her breath, she stepped into the hallway, flattening herself against the wall. As quietly as she could, she slid down to the entrance to the living room.

She stood dumbfounded when she saw that there was no danger. Wesley sat on the couch with his head down, but he was breathing and there wasn't any blood. He seemed to be lost in thought. Worry chased away the fear and the anger as she hurried to the couch to sit beside him.

"Wes, what's wrong," Fred asked, taking his hand in hers and moving both to her lap.

He blinked, before giving her a look of surprise as if he didn't know how she got there.

"Yeah, things are fine." He chuckled. "I just started thinking about things I shouldn't." After taking a deep breath, he continued, "Old stuff that doesn't really matter anymore."

Despite his dismissal of his feelings, Fred could tell he was still upset about something. She wondered if he had left behind a girlfriend when he came on this detail to watch her. Or was it something else? Something bigger? All she knew about him was that he was a cop, and that he liked reading, and went out of his way to make her birthday special. She shook her head to ward off her tumbled thoughts and the betrayal of the man whose ring she wore.

"If you want to talk, I'm willing to listen."

"Thank you, Fred." He tucked her hair behind her ear. "You're sweet."

Unexpected shivers rocketed through her body as his fingers lingered on her neck. The air between them was charged, their gazes locked, and she realized he wanted to kiss her. She tensed as she tried to figure out how to let him down without hurting him. Except when she opened her mouth, she couldn't say anything because she realized she wanted it, too.

She closed the gap between them until their lips were touching. It was tentative at first, but then his fingers slid back into her hair and he took control. The shivers turned into something hotter as she pressed herself against Wesley. Shifting, stumbling, they found a way to be closer together. He deepened the kiss so their tongues teased.

Fred pushed any thoughts of Spike away. He wasn't there. Had never really been with her and now with Wesley holding her, she knew now that she and Spike had never really connected heart wise. This knowledge thought, and accepted, she opened her heart to this man holding her with such passion. She may regret it with this whole thing was over, but she didn't want to wait anymore. She'd been waiting long enough for this feeling.

---

Buffy snored as she rolled on her back. Spike smiled, brushing back a lock of hair from her cheek. He was relieved she was sleeping. Not for him, but for her. She needed the rest so that she would be fully prepared for whatever was coming. Although he wasn't sure what that entailed, he knew that as long as Masters and Luke were still free, anything was possible. He wished he could have gotten her to stay with Lorne and Kate. She would have been safer with them than with him.

"Why are you staring at me?" Buffy asked, startling him.

He hadn't even realized she'd woken up until she spoke.

"Because you're cute when you're snoring and asleep."

"Humph, whatever," Buffy said as she pulled the thin sheet further up her body. "It's freezing in this place."

Laughing, Spike grabbed the blanket gathered at the foot of the bed and threw it over her. "Better?"

"Yeah." She adjusted the blanket, shifting in the bed until she was closer to him.

It was a subtle invitation to cuddle. For body warmth. For more. Knowing he was doomed, Spike closed the distance between them. Their bodies formed to one another as if time had stood still. Curves and angles melted away until they were lying comfortably as one.

"You never told me why you were staring?" Buffy whispered.

"I was just wondering where the girl I once knew went. You've grown up."

"Is that a bad thing?"

"No, its not. I miss that girl, but know that I like the woman even more."

"I’m surprised you said that, because up until this moment, I haven't seen a clue that you think that way."

She was right. He rebelled at her maturing at every turn even though he once fought her to make her face the world on her own. A paradox that confused even him, but was becoming clearer to him every moment that he was with her. He wanted what was best for her, which was for her to grow up and face the world. For him, it was an irrational fear that she would no longer need the hero she saw in him. The more he feared, the harder he pushed her away.

"I'm so proud of you," he said, deciding that although he couldn’t give her forever yet, he could give her something else. Something that might help her hold on a little longer. There was a slight turning of her head until she was tucked under his chin making him tighten his arms around her. "I was proud of you when you came to me. The day you walked into the convenience store, the way you handled leaving home, and the bravery you showed in facing Peterson. Not everyone could do that. They would have given up the chance to be free, preferring to stay hidden away instead. Not you. Despite having something so horrible happen to you, you shouldered it, found a way to deal with it and ended up a better person for it."

"Thank you," Buffy mumbled. "I couldn't have done it without you."

"Yes, you could have," Spike said. "I think that's what scares me."

"Stop it. You gave me the strength to do all of it. Remember, you had to come pull me out of that bathtub." She giggled. "Management would have found my skeletal remains if you hadn't found me."

"And without me, you've gone to college, you found yourself, and you would have continued if you hadn't called that day."

"I called you, remember? I got into trouble and I called you. Not Angel or Kate or Lorne, but you."

"Can't help it that I'm better than they are," Spike said, with a surge of pride that it was him that she did call that day.

"I get scared, and I wanted you to come rescue me."

"Don't. Open your eyes, pet, you and me, we work well together."

A silence followed his affirmation of their relationship. He figured she was silent because it was something she'd already said. It was a wonder she wasn't saying, 'told you so', but not his Buffy. She was giving him time to absorb it and waiting to find out if he was going to backtrack or not. He couldn't. Not this time.
He slid down the bed until he could look into her eyes.

"We do, don't we?" He asked with a sigh. She nodded, but with the aid of the light cast from the bathroom, he could see the apprehension in her eyes. "Oh love, I'm sorry for being such an ass. At first, I pushed you away because I wanted you to learn to stand on your own two feet, and then when you do, I push you away because I'm scared to death you won't need me." When she went to speak, he pressed a kiss to her mouth. "I'm not going to change my mind about what I said earlier. I still need to go back to Fred before I do anything else, but I want you to know that I don't want to be afraid anymore. I need you to teach me how to survive with such an open heart. Will you?"

"Yes," Buffy whispered before she kissed him.

With her arms holding him in safety, Spike let her be the strong one. He felt his doubts being pushed away by her surety of their strength when they were together.

---

Kate entered the kitchen, relieved when she saw Cassie sitting at the table since she'd been missing from her bed. The younger girl was scribbling in her notebook, but she looked up at Kate's entrance. Not wanting to be too obvious that she'd been searching for Cassie, Kate went to get a mug from the cabinet.

"Couldn't sleep?" Kate asked.

"Didn't want to waste the time."

Knowing Cassie had been fighting an ever-growing depression, this comment worried Kate. She filled a mug with water and slid it into the microwave before she went to take a seat across from Cassie.

"You're going to have plenty of time when this is over," Kate said, hating saying the same platitude again. She couldn't absolutely guarantee that they would survive this situation. They'd been found before so it was possible it could happen again. Cassie's expression was clear that she knew it too. "I'm sorry," Kate said with a shake of her head. "I shouldn't be patronizing you."

"It's okay. You mean well."

The microwave's beep gave Kate a chance to gather her thoughts. The routine actions of making a cup of tea calmed her so that when she sat at the table, she was ready to help Cassie.

"It still wasn't right of me," Kate said. "I've let my personal feelings get in the way of doing my job and protecting you."

Cassie covered Kate's free hand with her own. "I like that you let some personal feelings get in the way. I always wanted a big sister who would tell me that everything would be okay."

"It's nice to have a little sister," Kate agreed. "I grew up as an only child with only my father." She squeezed Cassie's hand. It was confession time. "Growing up, my Dad was never one to give reassurances. It was 'suck it up' or 'do what needs to be done'. Being a cop was my chance to prove how much like him I could be and it was my motivation for a long time."

"What changed?"

Kate's fear of those personal feelings on this case must have shown on her face because Cassie held even tighter to her hand.

"Please talk to me," Cassie pleaded. "I can write all night but its not giving me any answers."

"Okay, I'll tell. It's the same reason that I'm going to put aside my concerns of getting personally involved," Kate said with a laugh. "Spike and Buffy."

"How?"

"The first time I met Buffy, it was on a call. The neighbors had called in a domestic disturbance. They were both a mess, but Spike did everything he could to take care of her and she did everything to take care of him." Kate took a sip of her tea. "Spike almost got kicked off the force that night for getting involved with an old case. But he knew that Buffy needed him to be involved. To care and he gave it despite the personal cost to him. It made me start to realize that things can change by caring about someone."

"Are you happier now?"

"Yeah, I am," Kate said, smiling. "So, you know one of my deep dark secrets, do you want to share something with me?"

"I think my emotions have only gotten me into trouble," Cassie said. "Now, I might die because I loved the wrong man."

"Did you really love Luke or was he just someone to fill the loneliness?"

"The loneliness," Cassie said after a moment.

"So, trust your heart." Kate laughed. "Oh god, I'm full of clichés tonight."

"It's okay." Cassie shrugged, and then asked. "So, what's going to happen to me? When this is over."

"You go on," Kate said. "Finish school. Build a life with a little more wisdom than you had before."

"What if they get off somehow? Or they send someone after me?" Cassie's voice hitched. "I mean, I want what you said, but I'm scared that I won't be able to get away, and I'll never get to graduate, or go ice skating in Rockefeller Center, or get married and have children."

Kate's training told her not to make promises to witnesses. Especially in a case that was as convoluted and unpredictable as this one, but Cassie was desperately alone. Somehow, in this instance for her to give a scripted response would only be cruel. Therefore, she forgot the rulebook, followed Spike's example, and did what her heart told her to do. She reached across the table, taking Cassie's hands in her own, "I will fight with everything that I have to make sure you get that chance. I promise."

to be continued….

Chapter 22



"You're a bad, bad man," Wesley muttered, leaning on his elbow so he could gaze at Fred sleeping next to him. At least, he could console himself that he hadn't let their earlier sexual play go all the way. He wanted to, she wanted to, but he couldn't. He laughed, rubbing his face, before flopping back down onto his back. "Oh yeah, there was no way you could hide that from Lilah," he sighed. "Or anyone else." Making love to Fred would have been just that and he knew that he wouldn't be able to hide the joy from anyone.

His phone vibrated on the nightstand next to him. The long dreaded phone call that was going to change everything. Whatever fantasies he was holding onto about Fred was never going to be fulfilled because of this call. Knowing he couldn't avoid it, he sat up, snatching the phone and flipping it open in one movement.

"Wes, it's time." Lilah's strident voice gave the order before he could even finish saying hello. "Bring her to me. Don't dawdle. I'm waiting."

"We'll be there soon," Wes promised hoping it would pacify Lilah.

After sending a quick text, he stood to put his shirt on, and then slipped into his shoes. His stomach flipped as he swallowed back whatever regrets he felt. In another time and place, he might have loved Fred. It was something that would never happen. At least, not in this lifetime. After he finished dressing, he reached for his badge, slipped it into his pocket and then reached for his gun.

There wasn't any other way, he told himself as he went down on one knee on the bed. He nudged Fred awake, pointed the gun into her sleepy eyes, and ordered. "Do what I say and you'll live."

~~~~

The ringing of his cell phone woke him from a contented sleep. Spike rolled over onto his back, away from the warmth of Buffy, as he fumbled for his cell phone on the nightstand. It had to be the Captain. Something must've gone wrong with the plans for Gunn leaving town, and Spike made a quick prayer that the man was all right. Buffy would be devastated if Gunn were hurt. For him, it would be another chunk of guilt that he would have to carry.

"Hello," he said, while saying a quick prayer for mercy.

"Hello Spike," an unfamiliar voice said, ending his prayer and sending his cop instincts into overdrive.

"Who is this?" He asked, sitting up to glance around the room as if the person on the phone was there with them. "How did you get this number?"

The woman laughed. "You really are an idiot by keeping your cell with you while on the run. Don't you know that there is always a way to find you if you have the right resources?"

"Spike, who are you talking to?" Buffy rolled over to look up at him. She looked nervous. Not quite scared yet, but she would be in a minute. He trailed his fingers through her hair with his free hand before placing them over her lips.

"Good, you're still with the little troublemaker," the woman said with a hatred that he could hear even over the static of the cell phone.

"I'm hanging up now."

He wasn't in the mood for games or insults. If the woman wanted something from him then she needed to say it. He wanted things on his terms. Not hers.

"I wouldn't. Not if you want your fiancée to live until you and your slut get here. Say hello Fred."

"Spike?" Fred's frightened voice came to him. "He…"

"Is that enough to get you to listen to me?" The woman was laughing at him.

"What do you want?"

Any desire for control had evaporated with the sound of Fred's voice. All he could do was play along until he could, hopefully, figure out a plan.

"Bring Buffy to Masters Shipping. Don't call your Captain. I'll know it if you do and all you'll find is a very pretty dead body for you to cry over."

The phone line was disconnected. Everything had gone from optimistic that he could get them all through this safely to complete shit in just a few minutes. No one could deny that this was his fault.

Fred and Buffy were in trouble because he couldn't hold it together. He couldn’t save Fred and keep Buffy safe. He couldn't keep Buffy safe and save Fred. He ran his hand over his face as he faced the impossible choice. If he was straddling the line between them before, he was hanging by a thin thread now.

"Don't beat yourself up," Buffy whispered, laying her hand on his chest. "Just tell me what happened and what we're up against."

"They have Fred, and they want me to bring you to them."

It was as simple as he could put it, but even he could hear the fear in his voice. He turned to look into Buffy's eyes, and knew the answer to his heart's dilemma. All the drama, all the pain to both women and himself, when all along it was so simple. He was a coward for not admitting it before.

"Buffy…"

"No, we don't have time to discuss it now. We need to go," Buffy looked determined. "Get yourself together."

Then she was gone, and he felt the chill down to his bones as he hurried to follow her. There had to be a way to make this right and he was determined to die finding it.

~~~~~

The gunshot was louder than thunder. Cassie screamed, rolling from her bed to fall to the floor. She was shaking as another shot rang out. In all of her nightmares, she never thought the bad guys would find them in their new safe house.

Shouts from other parts of the house reached her as she huddled beside her bed. Her friends were fighting for their lives and her life, but she couldn't make herself move. She was too scared. The bedroom door slammed open, galvanizing her into action. She scrambled back against the wall, trying to make out whether it was a friend or an enemy racing into the room.

"The window," Kate barked, grabbing her arm to pull her up. "Climb out the window."

Cassie stumbled behind Kate as she ran to the window. Another shot reverberated through the room. Drawing back, Cassie ran her hands over her body to see if it had been her, but then in horror she saw Kate fall into the window. The glass shattered from the impact, but somehow instead of falling onto the pieces, Kate jerked back to collapse onto the floor.

"No," Cassie screamed, shaking her head in denial. She prayed it was a nightmare, but knew it wasn't when a strange man advanced upon her. He grabbed her arm when she tried to back away from him, but her attempts to fight back were useless against a man twice her size. Determined not to make it easy for him she continued to struggle against him. With an abruptness, she wasn't expecting he turned on her, bringing her close to him.

"Move it," he snarled, showing the gun that he still clenched in his free hand. "Or I'll kill you now." He shrugged. "It doesn't matter to me when you die."

Somehow, Cassie just nodded. Later, much later was her choice when it came to her dying.

"Good choice."

She saw him smirk as he forced her ahead of him and into the living room.

The shadowy figure of another man stood in the middle of the living room. Cassie's gaze swept the living room to see if anyone else was there. It was then that she noticed a body lying on the floor. A scream echoed around her even though she knew it was from her. Too much had happened too fast for her to grasp as reality. Kate was in the bedroom, shot and possibly dying while Lorne was lying so still on the floor in front of her. Was he already dead? She felt her knees give out, but her captor was holding onto her arm, not giving her the luxury of giving into the overwhelming emotions.

The nightmare was now a reality and much worse than anything, she'd seen in her dreams.

"Time to go," the shadow man said.

"Lorne," she cried, pulling back in a vain attempt to go to her friend.

"Move it," the first man barked as he pointed his gun at her.

Cassie didn’t have a choice. She had to go with these men. At the door, she looked back and felt hopeful when she saw Lorne raise his hand as if he was reaching for her. He wasn't dead. Maybe there was chance he could call for help. Not only for them, but for her too. Despite the small chance of help arriving for Lorne and Kate, she was still on her own. No one would know where she was being taken. If there was a chance for her to survive it was up to her and she wondered what Buffy would do if she were in the same place.

~~~

Los Angeles raced by the car window as Spike took them closer to the finish line. Somehow, some way, tonight everything would finish in this nightmare. She wished she knew what Spike was thinking. Some things she didn't need to be told, like that he was feeling guilty, as if he could really do anything to prevent this from happening. That was a burden she would have to carry alone. It was her choice to help Cassie that had brought them here.

Without thinking, she reached over to grasp Spike's hand. He squeezed hers in return. Maybe it wasn't as bad as she thought. She trusted Spike with her life. Maybe not her heart, but her life was safe with him. If only there was time to tell him everything else she wanted to say. If only there was time for them to laugh together. There had been so few times that they were really happy. It seemed the only times they were together they were in the middle of an investigation. They were good at it, but if everything ended tonight, she wished she could look back at times when they were just having fun.

The tang of salt air swept through the open window and she knew they were close to the shipyard. It was time to let go of regrets, of dreams and the what might have been to focus on surviving and getting the bad guys. As Spike pulled into the parking lot, she knew she had to give herself the time to do one thing. It wouldn't be enough, not nearly, but all those dreams could be contained in just one phrase.

"I love you, Spike," she said.

Now whatever happened, could happen, she didn't have any regrets.


…to be continued