Car Trouble 11 - Hair of the Dog
By the Kings of Mercia
Rating: 15
Pairing B/S


Chapter 1


Spike carefully tipped the perfectly cooked stir-fry chicken with Chinese straw mushrooms and green onions into the oven-proof dish, and covered it with aluminium foil and placed it by the other cooked dishes of egg-fried rice, barbecued spare-ribs, beef with bamboo shoots and water-chestnuts and finally sweet and sour pork balls that were already in the oven. Carefully adjusting the oven temperature so it wouldn’t dry out and spoil, he closed the oven door. He rinsed the wok under the tap and placed it in the dishwasher.

Checking the time, he laid the table, putting a spoon and fork as well as chopsticks for Buffy, as she hadn’t quite mastered the dextrous art of using chopsticks yet.

The doorbell rang – Spike frowned – who would be calling this time of night? Willow said she’d stay at her friends place…As he made his way to the front door, he just hoped that it wasn’t Giles with something apocalyptic, as he and Buffy were hoping to have a nice cosy supper after she’d finished patrolling.

Spike opened the door and was about to make all manner of excuses as to why they couldn’t be disturbed, when the sight that met his eyes made his blood run even colder and his knees go weak.
He had to clutch onto the door to stay upright, his heart in his mouth
There was Clem, holding a very limp and lifeless Buffy in his arms

“Spike!”

“Oh Christ no! What’s wrong – oh god baby no, please be-“

“Spike, don’t worry, she’s not hurt, look, let me put her down on the sofa” Spike opened the door wide and trotted in quickly after Clem, who gently laid her down.

“What’s wrong with her?” Spike was on his knees, brushing the hair from her forehead, he scanned her for wounds, couldn’t smell blood or see any bruising what so ever.

“I was in your, sorry MY crypt, and I heard this off key singing, and crashing about, I look outside, and see her staggering about, I called her name, she turns round, nearly falls over, giggles, slurs ‘Clem! Clemmy, Clemmy, Lemmy hug you Clemmy!’ She giggles some more, then she over balances and falls ass – I mean she flies backwards over a gravestone. I thought I better bring her to you – she couldn’t knock out a gnats eye the state she was in”

All the time Clem had been talking, Spike hadn’t taken his eyes off his wife.

Spike sniffed by her mouth. No, no smell of drink there, not even vodka which although you wasn’t supposed to be able to smell it, he could with his advanced nasal sensory capacity.

“Um, well Clem, what can I say – you did great – brilliant in fact…you didn’t see anything else – anything that might have caused this?”

Clem shrugged and shook his head no.

“Absolutely nothing – the area was, is, excuse the pun, quiet as a graveyard. Nothing out of the ordinary”

“That’s why I let her go patrolling on her own now – oh god baby…come on sweetheart, wake up” Spike stroked her forehead again, and to his joy, she stirred, turned on her side and threw an arm around him, then proceeded to snore like a pig.

Spike closed his eyes and rested his head on hers

“Oh thank the gods…”

“I’ll um…I’ll leave you to it then…smells nice in here…I better go”

Spike looked up, he realised for what ever reason Buffy was in this state, she was in no state to sit and eat what he’d prepared, and it would go to waste………

Clem had turned to leave, and was almost at the front door, Spike carefully disentangled himself from Buffy and said,

“Clem – don’t go mate, look – are you hungry?”

“Starving – I THINK I’ve got a packet of Cheezo’s in the cupboard at home” truth was, he was salivating at the wonderful savoury smell emanating from the kitchen.

“Only I cooked us a Chinese, it’ll go to waste now – you’re welcome to have some if –“

Clem had closed the front door and was taking his coat off before Spike could finish talking!

“Lead me to it!!”

Spike looked down at a pig-snoring Buffy and he pressed a soft kiss on her forehead. Deciding she couldn’t come to any harm for a few minutes, he stood and went into the kitchen, telling Clem to sit at the table.

After decanting the contents of the oven to the dining table and getting him a cold beer, Spike went back to his beloved slayer.

“Baby…wake up…come on sweet heart” Spike managed to haul her up into the sitting position, albeit with her head lolling to one side, and he began to unbutton her coat. All the time he spoke gently to her, even though now he knew she was just drunk, he was intrigued as to why – she didn’t like alcohol, if pressed she’d have a glass of champagne as a toast on special occasions, but as she went out of the door to patrol that evening, she said, ‘I’ll just do a quick sweep, then we can have a cosy supper, just the two of us’ and left Spike to cook it………

“………That’s it…now the other arm baby…………there!” Spike threw her coat onto the armchair and turned his attention back to her

“Baby………princess………little one………come on babe, wake up sweetie”

“Hmm…” She muttered something unintelligible and slid sideways

“Ah-ah, come on…wakey-wakey, Buffy!”

Buffy cracked a bleary blood-shot eye, then closed it again

“That’s it, come on pet…come on, BUFFY, wake up!” Spike encouraged, and this time she tried both eyes and blinked, stared owlishly at him, gave a lopsided grin and slurred,

“Huh, wake, m’wake…Shpike! My baby…hmm love my likkle Shpiky babe, hmm!”

She leaned forward and flung her arms around his neck, nuzzling into his chest. Spike kissed the top of her head, then manoeuvred himself off the floor and onto the sofa next to her, rubbing her back.

“And what got you so drunk, huh? Gonna tell me babe – I did us a nice supper”

Buffy answered with a deep snore, and Spike sighed, there would be no talking to her tonight that was for sure……… Clem’s disembodied voice carried from the dining room…

“Um, Spike…will you be wanting any of this food, because it’s jolly delicious, and-“

“Eat all you want Clem – you can take anything left with you”

“Thanks – god this is SO good!”

Twenty minutes later, Clem entered the lounge with one of the ovenproof dishes covered in foil

“That was the best Chinese I’ve ever had! – Thanks…um how’s…?” Clem craned his neck to look at Buffy’s face.

“Still the same, and she appears to be drunk as a skunk, but I can’t smell booze on her, I can’t work it out”

“Maybe one of the witches could help you”

“Yeah…it’s a bit late to contact them now though, I’ll just let her sleep it off and she can tell me herself what happened in the morning”

“Okay then – well, I better be off – thanks again for the food, I’ll bring this back later, (he held up the full dish) and I can see how she is”

“Thanks again Clem – you can see yourself out, can’t you”

“Sure, no problem, night then”

“Yeah, night Clem”

Spike sat there on the sofa, his wife apparently drunk as they come, cuddled up to him. Every so often his lips would absently kiss her hair, as he rubbed his chin thoughtfully against her head

Spike’s eyes opened as soon as he heard the front door open quietly. He turned his head to see Willow creeping in…

“Red, is that you?”

“Sorry Spike, I know I said I’d stay at Tara’s tonight, but there’s a book I simply MUST have, I’ll be gone in ten seconds I just want to-“

“Don’t go, come here a minute will you?”

“Oh, um okay, what is it?”

“It’s Buffy – there’s something wrong”

“Wrong – like how – oh god, you didn’t poison her with the- no, no course you didn’t!” Willow saw Spike’s face at her crass remarks and thought better of finishing the sentence about knocking his culinary expertise…

“She’s drunk, well she seems like it, Clem bought her home she was paralytic, couldn’t stand up, but there’s no smell of booze on her”

“Oh my god, Buffy too – Tara, come here – Buffy’s been affected too!”

“What do you mean?” Spike asked, frowning. Tara joined them in the lounge, holding the evening paper

“It’s the news headlines, scores of people are turning up at hospitals and doctor’s surgeries, apparently extremely drunk, but NOTHING shows up in toxicology reports”

“What?” Spike frowned, and Tara proffered the newspaper for him to read

“They give them blood tests, urine tests, but there’s no alcohol is present, no toxic substances at all” Tara explained while Spike read the article.

“Well what’s causing it then?”

“We’ve no idea – that’s why I wanted my Ars Daemonicus book, I thought we might be able to shed some light on the matter”

Spike finished reading the newspaper piece and handed Tara the newspaper back.

“This is weird!”

“I suppose it could be a new drug…you know, they can mask them now, you think how many athletes cheat and-“

“Glinda, don’t be silly, Buffy DOESN’T take drugs!”

“No…no she doesn’t, does she” Tara had to admit

“And how come, in a group of people only some are affected – not all of them, so it says in that article?” Spike asked

“A gas of some sort, maybe?” Tara said

“Then everybody would have been affected when they breathed it in” Willow said

Tara shrugged and was just about to say she’d no idea, when there was a fumble at the front door, and in bowls Xander, looking for all the world like he’d just left a good frat party…

He had a pair of underpants on his head, an absolutely huge bra on over his jumper, odd shoes, his trousers were wet he was covered in purple foam and he was carrying a traffic cone and some very dead daffodils

“Wah-hey! Where’s my likkle wee-wo…goh prezzies for my bes’ girl!” And with that, he promptly farted and fell over, dead drunk

“Charming! Come in why doncha!” Spike muttered, Tara and Willow gave each other a wide-eyed stare before going over to help their friend………

Chapter 2

Willow knelt down at Xander’s head

“Xander, are you okay?”

“Don’t be silly, does he look it – unless he’s making a fashion statement, I think you can safely say he’s in the same predicament as Buffy” Spike said

“Let’s get him up…Tara, go get a dining room chair, would you please?”

Tara stood and went to do as Willow asked

“Xander...Xander come on, were going to sit you up on a chair, okay?”

Xander struggled to sit up, refusing to give up either the traffic cone or the daffodils

“Wee-wo…WEE-WO! C’mere, gis a kiss!” Xander leant against the wall and trying to keep his head from lolling all over the place, he grinned, puckered up and closed his eyes, making kissing noises

“KISS – c’mon Wee-wo, kiss for Danda”

“Oh goddess Dand – I mean Xander…how did you get like this?”

“Oh god!” Tara said looking at him

“Oh bleeding god is right…will you look at the state of him! He hasn’t been to a frat party, has he?” Spike asked, frowning.

“Up…come on Xander, help us here, up you get…okay, after three, one two three, heave - - there – hoo, goddess you weigh a ton!” Xander unceremoniously plonked down on the dining room chair, he then lolled to the left, and Tara just righted him

“Can I have this, then you can sit better, be more comfy…Xander, give me the cone – Xander!” Tara began a tug of war with the offending article, but Xander steadfastly refused to give it up.

“No – NO, s’mine…for my bes’ girl Wee-wo! Wee-wo…give us a kiss!” Xander had puckered up again

“Wee-wo?” Tara asked her friend with a grin

With an embarrassed wide-eyed smile, Willow explained,

“It’s what he used to call me when we were about three, he couldn’t say Willow or Xander, just Wee-wo and Danda”

“Pass the sick bucket” Spike said

“What, is Buffy going to be-“

“Not Buffy no, ME – Wee-wo and Danda – how nauseating!”

Tara and Willow’s concentration on Xander slipped while they both glared at Spike, and Xander still making kissing noises fell off the chair, with a sickening thud

“Oooh – Xander! Are you all right, oh dear!”

“WOW! What a kiss! Danda want another one!” Xander promptly grabbed Willow by the shoulders and homed in for the biggest smackeroony kiss…

“XANDER! Drop, let go, Xander, she’s not your girlfriend, she’s mine – Xander will you leave her alone!!” Tara was physically trying to prise them apart…

Spike’s eyebrows raised comically as he surveyed the sight

Willow was trying to push Xander away, she pummelled his shoulders and just when she thought she’d black out through lack of oxygen, Xander let her go, but still held onto her shoulders

“Wow, like that was…hmm – “ He homed in again and Willow, shell shocked, wasn’t quick enough to move…

The traffic cone had slipped out of his grasp and Tara did the only thing she could do, she hit Xander on the head with it

Xander had the biggest, sappiest, soppiest grin on his face, went cross-eyed, watched the birdies go tweet-tweet as they circled his head, and promptly fell off the chair again

“TARA!”

“What? I was SAVING you!”

“I didn’t need, I mean well – oh god, what are we going to do?”

“Hmm, kissing Xander eh…what kind of lesbian are you?” Willow looked up to see Anya and her friend Hallie on the doorstep

“Anya. What are you doing here?”

“Is that anyway to greet an old friend?”

Willow stood and said indignantly,

“I thought you made it quite clear when you said last week, that you weren’t our friend anymore, that none of us had a back-bone coz we wouldn’t wish vengeance on Xander for you – so why do you keep hanging around here, hmm?”

A bored Hallie mumbled something about that being a ‘good question’

Anya ignored the question and said,

“Just wondered if you knew what was causing this – and EW! Whose underpants are those?” She tapped her foot against Xander’s thigh

Tara and Willow both grimaced and edged away from their very drunk friend, fearing they may catch something from said undergarment………

“Ew, you mean that they’re not his – and don’t kick him! So this isn’t you then, coz it HAD crossed my mind”

“What, this? - This is nothing but a parlour trick compared to what I COULD do!”

Spike came over to the front door

He was just about to ask everybody to go, when the dark haired girl with Hallie stared at Spike and said,

“William? – Oh god!” She started to preen and act all girly and gigglish

Spike however, just frowned, he didn’t know many vengeance demon, Anya and D’Hoffran were about it

“I wish you’d all-“

“Spike, NO!” Tara got to Spike and put her hand over his mouth before he could say any more.

Spike glared at her, then he frowned, and then realised what he’d said

“Yeah, sorry, not wise to make a wish in front of a vengeance demon, right…um, would you mind leaving now, all of you, I’d like some peace and quiet with my Mrs, if you don’t mind”

Anya threw Spike a hateful look, she still thought that despite what the lawyer and the people at the Aphrodite Wedding Chapel said, that Spike and Buffy had stolen her honeymoon…

“Don’t worry, just going, I mean we’ve got things to do, men’s lives to ruin…come on Hallie, let’s get outta this dumpsville…

“Bye, bye everyone, bye William! Nice seeing you again!” Hallie trying to act all coy and demure gave Spike a little girly wave. Anya gave her friend a puzzled look and pulled Hallie down the path

“How do you know Spike?”

“Long story….”

Spike was still puzzling on the same question as to how the dark-haired girl knew him too…

“Spike, I’m sorry, but there’s no way we can move him from here, not in this state”

“What – oh…shoot, why not, look, I’ll get the kettle on – lashings of hot black coffee should do the trick!”

“Spike! Have a bit of compassion, please?” Sighing, Spike half turned away from them, running his hand through his hair

“Bleedin’ ‘ell…okay look, I’m going to carry Buffy up to bed now, so he can have the sofa, but if he’s sick or anything, YOU are clearing it up, okay?”

Willow and Tara nodded

“Right then, lets get locked up, before we get any more candidates for ‘lush of the month’ parading in here………”

Xander was so relaxed, and such a dead weight that they couldn’t pick him up…so relaxed that he farted again, causing Tara to drop him and run…

“Pig – you disgusting pig Xander Harris!” Tara admonished

“It’s not HIS fault…oh god Xander, you have so many bumps on your head now, you won’t know if the headache’s from being drunk, or from being dropped!”

“Serve him right, filthy bugger, well night, and remember, if he does anything yukky, then YOU are clearing up, ‘kay – night” Spike scooped up his wife and carried her upstairs.

“It’s no good, we’ll never shift him ourselves…I’ll just have to…”

Willow stirred her finger in the air, pointed at Xander who began to float in the air

Tara looked surprised at first, then she smiled as Willow, using her finger as a guide directed Xander’s floating body to the sofa, before gently lowering him onto it.

Chapter 3

After getting her undressed and into bed, Spike lay on top of the bedclothes still dressed thinking…he wasn’t going to phone Giles and bother him while he was on vacation, he was going to call Peaches………

“Hello, I want to speak to Angel please………it’s Spike………what do you mean, he’s in conference, I can hear him talking to you, you silly bint!………Harmony – just, just go get him to the phone, I don’t need this bollocks at this time of a morning………(Spike sighed, there was nothing for it) tell him Buffy’s in trouble………Ha! Yeah, thought that make you come running, right, it’s your turn to come and help us for a change……………what do you mean? Why you cheeky sod! For your information, *I* haven’t done ANYTHING stupid, that’s YOUR department – but if you’re going to be sarcastic and piss me off altogether then just forget I ever rang and - WHAT………look, I’ll talk to you any way I bleedin’ well like, I thought you’d like the opportunity to get your hands dirty for a change, do something useful………yeah? Well you do just that, coz if you DO interrupt me…alright here goes, have you read this article about people appearing to be dead drunk, even though they haven’t had a drink………………………………………………………”


************************


Roughly twenty minutes before dawn………

“What kept you – come on into the den, but keep it down coz the witches and the whelp are asleep in the lounge” Spike said as he opened the door to Angel

“Unlike you, I have to get cover, see that things will run smoothly while I’m away from various operations we have on the go at the office, I have to delegate tasks, make sure that clients don’t get overlooked” Angel said with a superior tone.

Spike rolled his eyes and scowled. Waving his hand in a dismissing motion he said,

“Yeah, yeah, spare me the ‘Lord of all I survey’ top banana bollocks, I’m not in the mood”

Angel didn’t argue, he sat down and asked,

“So the other Scoobies are affected too are they?”

“Just the whelp, he bowled in here, bout half an hour after Clem carried Buffy home”

Angel raised and eyebrow and said,

“Clem?”

“Yeah, loose-skinned Rimp demon, harmless, he lives in my old crypt – he heard this off-key singing and crashing around outside, went to investigate, found Buffy apparently out of her skull, she fell backwards over a gravestone and rendered herself unconscious, he bought her to me, don’t mind telling you I thought something nasty had got her, she looked lifeless in his arms - I nearly freaked” Angel nodded, THAT he could understand………

“Go on, anything else?”

Spike shrugged and shook his head and said,

“Only that the whelp bowled in here looking like he’d been to a good frat party, knickers on his head, covered in purple foam, traffic cone, wet trousers, odd shoes…”

“Traffic cone?”

“Yeah, something for his beloved ‘Wee-wo’, apparently”

“Excuse me?”

“Look, don’t ask, it doesn’t matter, what DOES matter is we find out what’s causing this as soon as possible, and stop it”

“Have you any idea as to what it is – could it be a drug, do you think?”

“No, coz Buffy wouldn’t do drugs…nothing is showing up in toxicology reports either”

“Toxicology reports?” Angel parroted again

“Here, read for yourself, it’s all in there what we know!” Spike handed him Tara’s evening paper.

Angel read the article and folded the paper when he’d finished

“Seems really odd”

“I know, that bit about seven people walking along, and only three were affected – it’s weird”

“Gas of some sort, blowing I wisps?” Angel suggested

“Nah, doubt it”

“And you say Willow hasn’t come up with anything?”

“Give the girl a chance, she shouldn’t have been here tonight, Buffy and I were going to have a cosy supper, Red said she’d stay at Glinda’s - but she came back for her Ars Daemonicus when they read the newspaper article – then fuck-wit turns up, and-“

“Sorry, fuck-wit?”

“Xander”

“Oh right”

“And they persuade me that he can’t be moved” From the lounge a loud rasping fart could be heard

“Although if he keeps on doing that, his abode could suddenly change, rapidly…I’d stick a cork up his arse, but I’m frightened he’d break the new windows –anyway, want some coffee or something?!”

“That would be nice…could I see Buffy?”

“No mate, she’s in bed, fast asleep, listen………that’s her snoring!”

“Oh dear!”


********************


Willow woke tousle-haired and dry mouthed, she stood stiffly, stretched and yawned. Going over to the sofa, she looked at Xander – there was no change, he was fast asleep and snoring.

She went to go into the kitchen and saw Angel and Spike sitting at the dining room table with her laptop and Ars Daemonicus open. Spike had a notebook in which he scribbled various notes, he looked up when he saw her

“Mornin’ Red, hope you don’t mind, thought we’d try and get a head start on the old research”

“Be my guest…anything yet?”

“Nope, well not really – the only thing we’ve come across that’s got any sort of similarity, is the ‘Well of Ammondia’, were still on the ‘A’s’ at the moment”

“Oh, what did that do then?”

“Well apparently, anybody that drank from it lost their memory, but it doesn’t say anything about rendering them shit-faced drunk in the process...they just forgot everything”

Angel closed the lap top, yawned and stretched

“Well, that’s me done for now – I think I shall go to bed – I take it I’m in the back room?”

“What – oh um, the back room, er…”

Truth was, Spike hadn’t given it a thought as to where Angel would sleep, and the ‘back room’ was used as a junk room, the other room next to their’s was Willow’s room…exercise bike, suitcases, he’d be lucky if he could find the bed in the back room………

“Um, tell you what, there’s a cot in the basement, use that the back room’s a little full”

Angel rolled his eyes and said he’d see them later.

Spike went up to see how his beloved was, and noticed she hadn’t moved all night…

“Hey, baby…gonna wake up, hmm?” On getting no response, he decided to leave her, sleep was probably the best thing for her, so he got undressed and got in beside her.



By late afternoon Spike woke, checked Buffy, she was still sound asleep and snoring, he got up. Downstairs he snagged up the local afternoon paper, he unfolded it, and much to his great delight, the front page showed a picture of Xander with some students and various dubious looking characters, cavorting in the town Fountain, the report said the students had put washing detergent into it, and some potassium permanganate crystals into it, hence the purple foam he was covered in. It went onto describe how the authorities were still none the wiser as to what was causing the seemingly drunken hordes………Spike smiled – it would be a long time before the whelp lived THIS ONE down – front page, you couldn’t fail to see who it was! On the dining room table, there was a note for him from Willow, it read:



‘Spike, left Xander where he is, he seems okay – left him a glass of water and two Advil on the coffee table in case he wakes up – sorry had to take the laptop as I’ve got a lecture at uni, but I’ll be back about 4-ish to do some more research, Willow – PS, tried to phone Giles, but he must have mobile switched off’

Spike put the note down and went into the kitchen and made tea. He opened the door to the basement and called down,

“Peaches…tea? – Granddad…oh grand-“

“Very funny, I’d prefer coffee”

“Then get up and make it yourself”


******************


Spike looked at the clock, it was 10.10 pm he stood from the dining table where Willow, Tara and Angel were sitting with various books open, and a half eaten pizza.

“Well, I’m just going to check on Buffy, then I’ll be off”

“Off? – Off where?” Angel asked

“Patrolling – just coz Buffy’s out of action, doesn’t mean to say the nasties are”

“I’ll come with you”

Spike rolled his eyes, but said nothing, he went upstairs, noticed that she’d turned over, but seemed to be still sleeping peacefully. He kissed her forehead and whispered he’d be back soon.

“We won’t be too long, keep an eye on her for me?”

“Sure” Willow said, smiling

“Any sign of the whelp coming to yet?” Willow looked over to the sofa, and shook her head

“No – like you I figure sleep is probably the best thing for them at the moment”

Spike nodded and looked at his grand-sire

“Ready then?” Angel nodded and they headed out into the night.

After staking a couple of fledges Spike noticed one or two drunk humans, and to his dismay, he saw Razor, and three of his henchmen riding around the town square, and from what he could pick up with his preternatural hearing, they wanted ‘in’ on what was making everybody drunk in Sunnydale…

“Bollocks! – Stay back!” Spike warned, Pressing Angel in his podgy stomach against the wall

“What is it?”

“Shush…………Hellions………seems they’re trying to find out what’s making everybody pissed in this town………”

“Hellions?” Angel said in a loud voice

“Will you be quiet!” Spike hissed, glaring at Angel

“They’re not so tough, and there’s only four of them, I’m sure between us we could-“ Spike cut him off saying,

“End up getting seriously hurt – four of them - my arse, those are only his soldiers at arms, the rest of the gang would be down here before you could say, pass me Mr Pointy – move, go on, round the corner………”

“Are you sure there’s more of them?” The look Spike gave him said it all and Angel conceded,

“Right, sorry, take your word for it, your patch and all that”

All the time Spike was humouring Angel, he kept half an eye at what was going on over his grand-sire’s shoulder………Spike mentally slapped himself upside the head, he SHOULD HAVE KNOWN!!

He should have known that it was something to do with that snivelling little weasel, Willy…something, although he couldn’t quite make out what, was going on at the back of Willy’s bar………

Chapter 4


Spike was itching to get back out again, without making anybody, especially Peaches suspicious – it seemed like the clock crawled, he checked on Buffy – she was still sleeping, and Xander was still pig-snoring and farting, and he left the others to the research.

“Ahem…are you going to help or are you just going to flit around the place being useless?” Angel asked with as much sarcasm as he could muster

Biting his tongue, Spike had the over-whelming desire to tell Angel to ‘go fuck himself’; he couldn’t – thinking quickly he said,

“Actually, I’ve just thought of somebody who might be able to help”

“Really, then I’ll come-“

“NO – er no…you scare him – WILL scare him – you threatened him – years ago…if I go alone, well, he might just talk to me” Spike said, hoping he sounded convincing. Angel gave a wry smile…

“I scared them? – Who is it?”

“A- a S-Styk demon…” Spike said, desperately trying to lie on his feet – a habit that he’d got out of, since he’d got married………

“Styk demon eh? Name?” Angel had a ‘faraway’ look in his eyes, like he was remembering something…Spike got exasperated and blustered,

“I don’t bleedin’ well………look, *I* call him Twiggy, don’t know his real name – now if you don’t mind, the sooner I get there, the sooner I can get back with some info”

“Or not”

“Okay, or not, but it beats sitting around here having to look at you”

Angel rolled his eyes and went back to reading the ancient tome, the Ars Daemonicus; they were only on the letter ‘B’.

Spike made his way to the back of the Bronze and without a sound entered the alleyway that lead to the back of Willy’s Bar and Grill………


*************


Back home a shade over an hour later, Tara practically met Spike on the doorstep.

“At last you’re home – Buffy’s awake”

“What – is she-“ Not waiting for a reply, Spike took the hall stairs three at a time, pushing past Angel standing in the doorway, Willow stood from sitting on the bed

“How is she Red?”

“I’m dying!” Buffy croaked

Spike smiled, and took the place where Willow had been sitting – he could see that the witch had given her water and painkillers, and a large icepack to help the throbbing head.

“Come on, let’s leave them” Willow said, pulling Angel away from the doorjamb. Reluctantly he followed the witch back down stairs.

“Oh you’re not dying pet…poor baby-kitten, I’ve been so worried about you” Spike gently held her tear-stained face, kissing her forehead.

“I missed our supper – Willow said I’ve been out for over a day”

“Never mind about that, they’ll be other anniversaries…can you remember what happened sweetheart, hmm?” Spike shifted so she was cuddled up to his chest, and he soothingly rubbed her back…

“Willow asked me that, just before you came in, no, nothing, I didn’t see anything or anybody didn’t even dust a fledge…god my head hurts – I swear something is in my brain trying to dig it’s way out with a pneumatic drill and a blunt fork!”

“Well, you shush then kitten, and get some more rest until the Advil kick in, okay?” Spike bent his head and kissed her forehead gently again

“Spike”

“Yes baby?”

“Can you get me some more water, I’m parching”

“Sure kitten, and I’ll let it run cold”

He pre-empt her second request, went to the bathroom, let the tap run a while then filled her glass and carafe with the cool water

“There you go kitten,” Spike whispered, putting the drink on the nightstand for her, but she had already gone back to sleep.

As he made his way back downstairs, he heard Xander let rip with a fart that sounded like somebody was ripping a yard of calico fabric…

Grimacing, he marched into the lounge, went over to the sofa and giving the offending shapeless lump on the sofa a good dig in the (What he hoped) was the shoulder with a sharp pointed finger, Spike said,

“Do that again Harris, and you’ll be sleeping under the stars tonight, I PROMISE you! Geez – you STINK!”

A grunt emitted from under the cover and a very tousled, bleary-eyed Xander appeared

“Wha- where am I – who am I – Geez my HEAD, WHAT am I- Oh god!” the ‘lump’ that was Xander on his knees on the sofa collapsed and he began to emit this funny little whimper/moan. Willow came into the lounge, wafting the stinky air and she pulled the cover off him

“Here swallow these, and drink this” she held out the water and painkillers she’d put ready earlier.

“Huh…Will – what’s goin’ on…god, oh god my head is going to explode!”

“No it isn’t………” Willow took the empty glass of him

“Feels like it…what happened to me anyway?”

“You tell us – you bowl in here – “ Spike began

“Um deadboy, how would you like to keep it down a little, dying man here” Xander cringed and rubbed his temples

“Oh I can assure you, you keep farting like you have been, and you’ll be frightened you’re NOT gonna die by the time I’ve finished with you!”

“Spike!” Willow said sharply

“Well – he stinks – bloody animal!”

“Go put the kettle on please?” Willow asked. Spike was just about to protest, saying he wasn’t going to run round after the whelp making him black coffee when he didn’t even want to give him house room, when Tara appeared with a tray of steaming mugs………


**************

While everybody else was in the lounge questioning the whelp, Spike went into the dining room and picked up the ancient book on demonology, the Ars Daemonicus, and he fished out the scrap of paper he’d written on at Willy’s and turned to the section that began with the letter ‘I’.

**************


“You MUST remember SOMETHING, surely” Angel pressed

“Um…no – oh god are you SURE I can’t have any more painkillers yet Will, these aren’t working?”

“Not for (she looked at her watch) three hours and forty minutes, now come on Xander, this is important, THINK!” Willow said

“Really, I can’t - oh…”

“Oh, what?” Willow asked him, following his gaze to the traffic cone sitting by the fireplace

“Come on Xander, this is very important, Buffy’s been affected the same way – loads of people have – but we don’t know what’s causing it”

“I’m trying to think………is there nothing, you know, ‘witchy’ you can do to help my head, I’m dying here?” Xander just wanted to crawl back under the covers and quietly die…he certainly didn’t want to answer the barrage of questions!

“Too dangerous, come on Xander, you were looking at the traffic cone…do you remember where you got it from?” Willow gently cajoled

Xander had a flashback to getting the cone off this really nerdy guy in the rain? There was certainly a lot of water sloshing about, and purple foam? Boy – that was weird…but it made no sense to him……… Meanwhile, back in the dining room…

“Ah-ha – you little beauty, so Willy my boy, you were tellin’ the truth for a change………right!” Spike had found exactly what he was looking for………

***

After practically being reduced to tears, Willow felt some pity for her poor friend’s plight, and told him to go back to sleep.

Angel wandered into the dining room with her, while Tara went to wash up the mugs.

“So Spike, did your little friend come up with anything?” Spike had been careful to put the Ars Daemonicus back how he found it at the letter ‘B’

“My friend? – Oh, you mean Twiggy – couldn’t find him – he wasn’t in any of his usual haunts” There was a kerfuffle outside, and then a knock at the front door, and Spike frowned, who could this be at this time of night?

“Clem – come………in – oh god, not you as well!” Clem staggered into the hallway almost falling, brandishing the empty casserole dish he’d taken the rest of the Chinese home in the other night.

“Bought dor yish…ha…ha mean…bought… your… dish … back………’ow’s Buff – (hic) Buffy?” Clem staggered

“Oh hey, um, lets get you a seat there, shall we?”

“Who’s that?” Angel asked Willow

“That’s Clem, the one that bought Buffy home the other night…seems like he’s been affected with whatever this thing is”

“There you go…um Tara?” Spike began

“I know, hot black coffee, I’m onto it”


“Thanks pet – now Clem – here, I’ll take that shall I?” Spike carefully took the dish off Clem, who stared at his friend owlishly.

“S’wunerful!, Was, truly-ruly wunnerfull!”

“What’s that then, mate?” Spike asked half smiling half frowning

“That grub you cook – (hic) cooked…bes’ I ever ‘ad…you’re my bes’ mate you are…put it there pal” Clem held out his hand for Spike to shake

“Oh – er right, um yeah…” (Spike shook his hand vigorously!)

“Tell you what mate, you look dead beat, why not stop here the night, hmm – s’no trouble”

“Yeah – wow…could (hic) anybody ask f’ra berrer mate than you – nope…you’re the bestest-ist bes’ mate ever, ever, ever you are…yeah”

“Whoops, there you go…here let me help you…through here………that’s right, into the den…look, nice bean-bag…now, you lie down there and go to sleep…there…just get a throw to cover you…now relax and I’ll come see you in the morning, okay?” The only reply Spike got was a soft snore. Smiling, Spike went through to the others.

“Will he be okay?” Willow asked

“He’ll be fine, right now, can I leave you two in charge of the um – incapacitated ones?” Willow and Tara nodded

“Good, you come with me, I gotta lead from Clem” Spike fibbed to Angel

“Really?”

“Come on, before the trail goes cold”

“Oh right!” Angel grabbed his own leather duster and followed Spike out into the night.

Chapter 5


“Where are we going?”

“You’ll soon find out” they walked for five minutes

“Willy’s Bar – but this is the first place I’d have thought you’d have checked out” Reasoned Angel

“I DID – didn’t get anywhere at first, now the trail leads here, but you must keep your mouth shut, let me do the talking okay?”

“But I thought it wasn’t anything to do with alcohol – so why Willy’s bar?”

Spike stopped walking, exasperated at Angel’s questions

“Look, do you want ‘in’ on this thing or not, s’up to you, I could just as easily do this on my o-“

“No, no, come on, we’re here now”
They stood outside the entrance; Spike had his hand on the door pull

“Just remember, I’LL do the talking”

Angel held his hands up

“Okay, okay – I’ll just get us a table”

“Good, now come on, we’ve wasted enough time”

Spike caught Willy’s eye and winked at the barman without Angel noticing, and Willy poured two large Scotches, very carefully placing a hair into the one glass on the right

Spike took them off the counter

“$5, Spike”

“Put it on my tab”

“Spike you don’t have a…” Willy sighed and threw his bar towel over his shoulder and collected some empty glasses with a sigh.

“Scotch – don’t you think we need to keep us a clear head?” Angel asked quietly

“What do you want to sit there with, a club soda? Trying to look mean here mate, one double won’t hurt” Angel looked at his drink, and then frowned…

“So, what are we – ew – bloody hair in it…(he fished it out) um, what are we waiting for?”

“Fuck’s sake, have some bleedin’ patience will ya?” Spike hissed back at Angel, who, despite not having touched a drop of alcohol felt slightly dizzy, and rubbed his eyes with fingers that still had the hair from the glass attached to it………

***********

Earlier on that evening, when Spike was supposedly looking for his none-existent friend the Styk demon, he’d made his way to Willy’s bar, taking the back alley, Spike leapt on the dustbins and onto the high wall that looked down over the back of the club, where a strange sight met his eye. Two people, wearing paper anti-contamination suits, thick glasses and gloves were combing what looked like an extremely hairy little troll – sort of like cousin ‘IT’ from the Addam’s family, only without the Pantene shine or sleekness…Willy opened the back door and said something, and the one person cleaned their comb out of the loose hair and put it in a plastic bag that was well over half full with combed out hair and gave it to Willy, who was grinning…

Spike jumped down off the wall and went into the bar.

Willy came from out back, and was just about to greet his latest patron at the bar, when he saw it was Spike…who rested his elbow on the counter and beckoned him with a menacing looking finger…

“C’mere, you”

“Um, oh SPIKE – It’s um, it’s er…it’s, it’s you – hello, long time, no – ggerkkkk- ow, OW, YOU GOT ME SKIN – OW”

“What’s going on?”

“OW! Don’t – don’t know what you ow, Ow, OW, OHHHHHHHHHHHH that hurts!”

“S’meant to…now, I’m only gonna ask you once more – I’ve seen out the back by the way, so let’s try again, (he took a firmer grip of Willy’s shirt front)

“What’s going on?”

Okay, look – come out back” Willy opened the flap in the counter and Spike went behind the bar and followed Willy out the back

“Well?”

“The thing you saw – you gotta believe me Spike, I only just got it today!”

“Like I believe you - I DO read the papers you know, that things been here four days at least!”

“No it hasn’t! Not here, it was roaming free, my cousins Barry and Denny caught it this morning”

Spike gave Willy a hard stare, but decided to let him carry on before he bust his nose…

“What the fuck is it?”

“It’s an Inebris”

“A WHAT – what’s one of those when they’re at ‘ome?”

It’s a troll, who eats nothing but fruit or vegetables, which in turn his body turns into alcohol – it spends it’s entire life absolutely shit-faced drunk – it’s totally harmless unless you touch it, or it’s fur – but the thing is, now, late summer/early fall, when it starts to moult, you know, shed it’s fur, anybody who comes into contact with it gets drunk - the longer the contact with the hair, the drunker the person will feel – it just floats in the air like gossamer, blows in the wind…and by me collecting it – well, I’m doing the community a favour – did you see how much damage those students did in the park fountain and the boating lake!”

“What you mean is, you little creep, it’s a chance for you to cash in on a get rich quick scheme – bloody hell – I mean Willy, you water the booze down enough, and now you’re telling me, that a touch from Hairy Mary out there is enough to render anyone feeling like they’ve just downed a bottle or two of Scotland’s finest, and it doesn’t cost you a penny - hmm?”

Willy had a pained expression tried again for the ‘innocent victim’ ploy

“Give me a break Spike, poor thing’s had his home ripped up”

“What?”

“Do you know those vineyards and orange orchards, over Merrydale way? (Spike nodded, Willy continued)

“Well, they ripped them up, grapes and oranges weren’t growing because of the pollution from the new airport runways – so the poor thing lost his home, and source of food”

“Really – my heart bleeds. It’s got to go Willy”

“But, if I keep it locked up and my cousins will brush it and-“

“Willy…”

“But Spike, I assure you that-“

“NEVER make me promises you can’t keep Willy, coz it bothers me things like that, now I’ll say this just one more, before I write it on a plank and smack you round the head with it, Hairy Mary has GOT to go, he/she/it’s attracting the wrong sort around here, and the gen pop are involved, it’s in the papers every night. Oh, and did I mention, the slayer’s been in bed with a hangover this last 48 hours, now what do you think she’d say, if she found out it was down to you she had the mother of all hangovers, hmm? – Shall I tell you? Well, for a start, she’d probably rip your arms off and beat you senseless with the soggy end, that’s what”

Willy gulped and started to shake, any mention of the slayer had that effect on him…

“I tell you what, I’ll let your cousins find somewhere safe for the troll to go – and you can do what you like with it, as long – now I hope you are listening to me hear Willy, AS LONG as whenever I come into this den of iniquity, I want the real McCoy to drink, not the watered or tampered stuff, is that clear – I said is that –“

“YES! As crystal yeah, okay, but you won’t tell the slayer that-“

“What’s that?” Spike shushed him cocking an ear

“What’s what?”

“That music…what’s going on in the back room Willy?” Spike went to stride on to go have a look when Willy barred his way

“I can hear strippers music!” Spike said

“NOT REAL strippers, Spike, ha-ha”

Spike scowled at the weasely little barman

“What do you mean, not real strippers, what are they then, holograms?”

Willy swallowed and said

“Look, they’re harmless, live and let live, you know – they draw a crowd and well, it pays”

“What are they?” Spike asked menacingly

“Tranny’s”

“WHAT?”

“Transsexuals! Both pre and post op – some of ‘em, I swear you couldn’t, well tell unless – look please Spike, no tranny bashing!”

“I wouldn’t dream of it!” Spike blinked and looked affronted!

“No?” Willy asked with trepidation

“No, like you said, live and let live, each to their own, personally, does nothing for me…red blooded male and all that…”

“Course Spike, ha-ha, goes without saying!” Willy nodded rapidly, and gulped when Spike put an arm chummily round his shoulder………

“Willy, you’re going to do me a favour”

“I am?” Willy felt shaky and sick, his heart sank to his boots; he fingered the neck of his grubby shirt nervously grimacing and biting his bottom lip, Spike continued

“Oh yes – I‘ve got this mate – well not mate exactly, acquaintance more like…now I know for a FACT that he loves anything like this - but he’s just too shy and much with the old guilt and inhibitions – it was his Catholic upbringing, but I digress…he hardly drinks so this is where you come in with the old magic hair – I’ll bring him in later – I’m presuming there’s a late set on with these um, strippers?” Willy nodded

“Good, so look, I’ll bring him in, buy him one drink, you do the old hair thingy and when he’s mellowed out, take him through to the back room – show him a good time – perhaps you could even get him to join in…get him dressed up – the full works, makeup the lot, he’d be well, it would make him so happy, and if you video it, I promise not to tell Razor and his gang of Hellions what you’ve been up to”

Willy’s knees nearly went and he made a funny little noise at the name ‘Razor’…

“Yeah?”

“Yeah”

“And if I do this, you promise not to say a word to the slayer either?”

“Scouts honour” Spike held up three fingers

“Get this friend of-“

“Acquaintance” Spike corrected

“Sorry, acquaintance. Get this acquaintance of yours dressed up and involved in the set and video it”

“That’s the ticket”

Willy didn’t have any choice…he knew Spike was setting this guy up, and Spike probably knew that Willy knew that too, but if Willy played his cards right, if things got out of hand, he’d only have to rub some more hair on the guy and dump him somewhere – he’d never know where he’d been…

“Right-ho, see you later then, I’ll order two Scotches, put the hair in the right hand one okay?”

Willy nodded an Spike left – deliriously happy at this turn of events…now all he had to do was to check that Willy was telling the truth about this troll’s hair, what did he call it – an Inebris – of course, when drunk you are inebriated! With a spring in his step Spike made for home………


*************


“Shpike…oi, Shpike…I haven’ tushed a drop, an I feel…” Angel looked at Spike owlishly, and Spike looked over to Willy as Angel began to slump

“Remember what I said Willy”

Willy nodded, and with the help of one of his cousins, Willy carried Angel into the back room.

Spike left, he had an hour to waste, so he walked around did a patrol and went home.

“Where’s Angel?” Willow asked

“Huh – you tell me – we were in Willy’s waiting for this contact to show, I’m talking to somebody – all of a sudden, no Angel – god knows where he’s gone – I’ve searched all the graveyards, the back of the station, the boating lake and park – he’s nowhere to be found – I was hoping he’d just come back here”

“Well, do you think we should go look for him?”

“Nah – he’s big enough and ugly enough to look after himself!”

“Spike! You did ask him here to help!” Willow chided

Spike sighed and said,

“I know, but can I just have a breather – I’m knackered all this running around, patrolling as well – I can’t do everything and baby-sit Peaches too!”

“I think Spike’s right, he’s got enough on his plate without Angel going freelance and walkabout on him, it’s not fair!”

“Why thankyou Glinda!”

Tara opened her mouth, but Spike stopped her

“I know, I know, it’s Tara, but I think Glinda suits you better!” He winked at her and they both grinned

“Well, I suppose – so did you get to see this contact at all?” Willow asked

“Nah, didn’t show, but I’ve been thinking, during the days of prohibition, there was something about…god it was so long ago now………there was this creature – people used to have parties, and for the price of an apple or a cabbage or a few carrots, the creature used to eat the fruit or veg, and if you patted it, you’d get drunk…blowed if I can remember what it’s called though………it was good because even if the party was raided, the authorities wouldn’t find any booze”

“That sounds promising – try and think – want some tea?”

“Yeah, love some, before I hit the road again and look for Mr Disappearing Act”

He also went upstairs to check on his beloved and found she’d drank all the water he’d left her, so he refilled the carafe and glass for her

When he came downstairs, he found the witches doing research, Willow was looking up stuff about prohibition and speak-easy’s………

“Any luck with the name yet?”

“Still thinking pet…Ebit…Erate – it’ll come to me, don’t worry”

(DING-DONG)

“Oh, this might be Angel back!” Spike went to the door, to find Anya, Hallie and a very drunk Angel, wearing full makeup, a blue sequined boob-tube and a black leather mini-skirt and fishnet stockings – he was also sporting a curly blonde wig and high-heels

“Somebody to do with you – why didn’t you TELL me my lawyer was a closet transvestite?” Anya demanded

Spike did all he could not to laugh at Angel, he tried to look suitably shocked, Willow and Tara came to the door, saw Angel and were totally gob-smacked!

“IT’S RAININ’ MEN! S’up to you, New York, New York - Hally-lu-le-li lo…did it MMYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY, WWAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY! ”

Angel tried to do a series of high-kicks, but only succeeded in one of his huge stiletto heels flying off and hitting next door’s car that was parked on the drive.

“Angel, for gods sake keep it down will you – what the hell happened to you?”

“Well, were off, and tell this weirdo I should report him or something, have him disbarred or whatever” Anya tossed her hair and went to walk down the path

“Anya…just a minute” Willow heard Spike ask Anya if she knew the name of the creature he already knew the name of very well…

“Oh, you mean an Inebris – gods of course! Well – I haven’t seen one of those lushes for many a year – do you reckon that’s what has been causing all this – you could be right – anyway, bye – places to be, men to shred” Spike came rushing back up the path grinning -

“That’s it Willow, Tara, an Inebris – like inebriated – drunk!”

They all went inside and the two girls consulted the Ars Daemonicus, found out all about it…

There was a crashing outside and Spike jumped up

“Shit – I forgot about Angel – bloody hell, the neighbour’s will go spare!”

They got him inside – and left him lying on the floor

Buffy came down stairs

“What on earth is all that noi – oh. My. God!” she’d spied Angel

She looked at Spike

“What happened to him?”

Spike held his hands up innocently

“I swear to you kitten – I was here when this happened to him – I’ve done absolutely nothing to him!” Spike said, truthfully!

“He didn’t Buffy, honest!” Willow said, and Tara nodded in agreement

“Don’t worry, I believe you! God, he’s going to be awfully upset when he comes round”

“I’ll say!” Spike said grinning

“Not just being dressed up either, coz I’m gonna have to tell him blue’s not his colour and he hasn’t got the legs for that mini-skirt!”

Everybody laughed, and Xander’s head appeared from under the cover on the sofa

“Great merciful Zeus!”

“I know whelp, somebody who looks worse than you do – if that’s possible!”


********************

“Oh, ha-ha, deadboy, what do you mean, worse than…” Xander cut himself short when he noticed the huge bra he was wearing over his jumper, and then he gingerly raised his hand to his head and snatched off whatever it was he was wearing…orange underpants…he noticed too, strange dried purple blotches on his skin. He swallowed nervously before asking,

“Um…wh-whose are these?”

“You mean YOU don’t know – EW XANDER!” Willow grimaced at him

“What’s all this purple stuff dried on me…was it that what caused me to feel ill?”

“Nope, that would be dried washing detergent foam” Spike said, and Xander frowned and replied,

“But it’s purple!”

“Well, one of your little friends put potassium permanganate crystals in the fountain, along with the washing det-“

“Fountain – what fountain, what little friends, Spike what are you - ?”

“Here- read this, see, that’s you, and your band of hooligans - Memorial Fountain, Veteran’s Park…disgusting I call it, desecrating a monument dedicated to the country’s finest!’ ” Spike passed him the newspaper, which Xander read, then he groaned…

“Want some coffee, Xander?” Tara asked helpfully, and feeling real sorry for himself, Xander just nodded

“Well, now your at least compos mentis again whelp, shift yourself, we have another casualty, and by the look of things, his need is greater than yours, and he’s in the way by the door………although why I’m in the least bit even bothered to help the wanker, I do not know………”

With Willow’s help, they got Angel on the sofa, Xander sat in one of the armchairs, blanket round him, sipping coffee looking like some tragic refugee!

“We’ve found out what was causing it, babe, it’s called an Inebris…it’s hair was the problem” Spike informed his wife.

“Really – great, will it be hard to kill?”

“Oh, it’s gone already, don’t worry, and it won’t be back” Spike re-assured his wife

“Damn well hope not…so, what was the wretched thing?” Spike went onto explain, and she read for herself what it said in the Ars Daemonicus.

There was a sudden loud snore from the direction of the den………

“What on earth?” Buffy began, and she went over to the sliding doors and opened one…

“Clem too huh?”

“Oh god, I forgot about him…I couldn’t turf him out babe, not after what he did, bringing you home, I swear when he bought you here, carrying you, you looked so lifeless and………” Spike just cuddled up, he couldn’t speak anymore - bear the thought of her not being with him…

Buffy returned the hug and she whispered softly,

“Did you think something nasty had got me?” Spike just nodded and Buffy sort his mouth and kissed him

“I’m always so careful – I just don’t know what happened, one minute I was patrolling the next, there’s a slight breeze, and I feel giddy, then sick, then I’ve got trouble walking straight, and suddenly everything seemed ridiculously funny, I was right by your old place…I tripped over an urn…then Clem calls me, then I’m kinda not remembering anything after that…we’ll have to thank him properly…get him something”

“He ate all the Chinese I cooked…took the rest home with him, don’t worry”

“So, what do you think happened with Angel then?” Buffy asked, quietly closing the den door behind them.

Spike just shrugged.

The following evening, Wesley came to take Angel home, Buffy and Spike had taken Clem home, he was fine, they patrolled.


*****************


Three Weeks later…

Buffy and Spike came in from patrolling to find Willow sitting with a large brown envelope next to her.

“Everything okay Red – I thought you wasn’t going to stay up?”

“I wasn’t, only about half an hour after you’d gone, there was a knock at the door”

“Oh, who was it?”

Willow shrugged and said,

“I don’t know, when I opened it, there was nobody there, but this was on the mat”

She handed Spike a large brown envelope

“Well the only way to find out what it is, is to play it I suppose!”

Willow sat down on an the arm of the armchair, Buffy and Spike cuddled on the sofa, Spike put the cassette in the video player and pressed play on the remote control.

The scene opened to the show the back of many demons heads, and then in a gap between tables it stopped and showed a stage. The atmosphere was dark and smoky, the stage was brightly lit and the background of gold and silver sparkly curtains. On stage was the weirdest looking creature, like a shaved troll, wearing long false eyelashes and a pink and white dress, singing
‘My Boy Lollipop’ ………demon after demon went up on stage, all dressed to kill in female clothing, even though it was obvious they were male………

The compere introduced the next act…

“Now boys and girls, I’d like you to put your hands together and give a big warm welcome to a newcomer, she’s going to do a Shirley Bassey number for your enjoyment, and she calls herself ‘Burly Chassis’ – got THAT right girl – so go ahead, give it up for, Miss…Burly – Chassis!”

Buffy, Spike and Willow sat there, open mouthed, before absolutely collapsing with fits of uncontrollable giggles………

The spotlight picked out Angel, back to the audience looking over his shoulder...he sang out… “Minute you walked in the joint…da-da!” he swung his butt in time to the music, MUCH to the appreciation of the audience…

After totally mangling the song to death – not that the audience minded, he was a HUGE hit with them as he stumbled off the stage, where he practically fell into Razor’s lap. Razor not wanting to miss the opportunity began to grope the so-called ‘singer’ and sat him firmly on his lap………

After 40 minutes the tape ended………
Everyone had tears of laughter coursing down their cheeks………

“He’ll NEVER live this down!” Willow said, delicately wiping her eyes

“I hope not – fancy that, Angel as Razor’s bitch!”

Eventually Buffy said,

“Now don’t get me wrong when I ask this babe, but have you ANY idea as to the venue of that”?

Spike shook his head and said,

“Babe, I’ve NEVER seen that room before in my entire existence” (which was true)

“So what are we going to do with it?”

“I’ll just send it onto him” Spike said shrugging, and Buffy nodded.



The following afternoon…


“Where is it?”

“The video - I mailed it”

“Did you put ‘For the Attention of Angel’ at the beginning, before the address?” Buffy asked

“No, I just addressed it to Wolfram and Hart – he’ll still get it, he is the boss, so he greatly enjoys telling us”

“Yeah but, you know what it means now, don’t you?”

Spike played dumb

“What, what means, pet?”

“Well, it means my darling, that it’ll be opened by Harmony now…and you know how nosy and what a gossip-monger she is, I’ll bet you she watches it first!”

“Oh darn, I didn’t think of that!” Both Buffy and Spike began to giggle


The End – (for now)!