Chapter one


Los Angeles, present time


Buffy was waken by screaming. Looking around her dark bedroom, her heart thumping in her chest, she realized it had been her screaming in her sleep. Closing her eyes, she tried to remember what had scared her. Slowly, the memories of the dream came back to her. The Dream. The one she had been having on and off for the past seven years, ever since that summer...

Sighing, Buffy threw the covers aside and got out of bed. She had been waiting for the dream to start again, it always came back this time of year. Somewhere in the back of her mind she had hoped that maybe it wouldn’t this year, but realized it was too much to hope for.

The shrink she had seen for a total of two sessions had said that she needed closure. Like Buffy couldn’t have figured that one out by herself. The only problem was; she wasn’t going to get it. She hadn’t seen Spike in seven years, and she had no intention of ever seeing him again. Not after the way he had treated her all those years ago.

She reached for the phone, and glanced at the watch. 6 30 a.m. 9 30 on the east coast. Willow would be up.

Three rings went through before Buffy’s red headed friend picked up.

“Hello?”

“Hey, Wils.”

“Hey, Buffy, how’re things in sunny California?” Willow asked.

“Sunny as ever.” Buffy responded, twirling the phone cord around her finger. This was their little routine, every time they talked on the phone Willow asked the same thing and Buffy gave the same answer.

“You gonna come visit any time soon?”

Buffy sighed. This was another of their routines. Willow would ask Buffy to come visit, and Buffy would refuse. She hadn’t been back to Sunnydale since THAT summer. She wasn’t sure she’d ever go back, the town just held too many memories.

“You and Oz were just here a couple of weeks ago, you can’t miss me already.” Buffy tried to joke.

“We all miss you, you know that. We just want you to come home.” Willow said, her voice kind.

“LA’s my home now.” Buffy replied quietly. “And not all of you.”

“He misses you too, you know.” Willow said, instinctively knowing who Buffy was talking about.

“Oh yeah? Then why hasn’t he called, or e-mailed, or... or something?”

“Have you?”

“I’m not the one who behaved like an asshole.” Buffy replied. “Who’s side are you on, anyway?”

“I’m not on anybody’s side, you’re both my friends, OK? And I’m not defending his behavior, but he was just a kid. You both were. And he’s never really talked about it, so we don’t know everything.” Willow tried, but Buffy wouldn’t budge.

“I know enough.” They were both quiet for a moment before Willow broke the silence.

“Isn’t it time to let go of the past?”

Buffy let Willow’s words sink in. Was it time to let go of the past? She had held on to it for so long, afraid that if she didn’t she’d forget. And, even though she didn’t think she could ever forgive Spike, she didn’t want to forget any of their time together.

“Buffy? You still there?” Buffy heard Willow’s voice over the line and snapped out of her thoughts.

“Yeah, I’m here.”

“I know you don’t wanna come here right now, but maybe for Christmas? Or Thanksgiving? Or just for a weekend, it doesn’t have to...”

“I’ll come to Sunnydale.” Buffy cut Willow off. “I have three weeks vacation that my boss has been nagging me to use, so I will. Can I stay with you and Oz?”

“Of course!! Oh, sweetie that’s so great, everyone will be so happy to see you!” Willow squeeled and Buffy put the phone a few inches from her ear.

“Thanks a lot, Wils, now I won’t hear a thing for the rest of the day.”

“Nothing you say is gonna get me down, so don’t even bother.” Willow announced, and Buffy giggled with her friend. “So, call and let me know when you’re coming, and I’ll tell the others.”

“Actually, could you... not?” Buffy asked.

“Why?” Willow asked, confused.

“I just... I haven’t seen all of you in so long, I want to...” Buffy trailed off, not sure how to explain her hesitance without saying what she actually meant.

“He wants to see you.” Willow said, emphasizing every word.

“And so you keep telling me.” Buffy agreed. “I just don’t wanna give him a chance to skip town.”

“He won’t.” Willow assured her. “So, you’ll see him? I mean talk to him, really talk?”

“I guess I will. It’s time to get on with my life.”

“Good for you.” Willow said.

“I haven’t done it yet, have I?”

*****

Half an hour later, Buffy hung up the phone. Since it was Sunday, she didn’t have to get up for work, so she laid back on the bed, letting her mind wander to the first time she’d seen him.


Sunnydale, 1996


Buffy was walking down the hallway of Sunnydale High School in Sunnydale, New Jersey. It was her first day of junior year, and her first day at Sunnydale High, since her family had moved to Sunnydale during the summer. Buffy hadn’t found one thing she liked about the small town in the three weeks she’d been here. Sunnydale was a one-Starbucks-town, which in Buffy’s world, translated to boring. They didn’t even have a Macy’s and the mall was half an hour away on the freeway. Buffy was used to living in LA, where there was always something going on, and even though her dad had said that she would adjust to their new life in no time, she still hadn’t.

“Hey, watch it!” The words pulled Buffy out of her line of thoughts seconds before she crashed to the ground, having bumped into someone.

“Sorry.” She mumbled as she tried to get her books and things together from all over the floor.

“Yeah, well, no harm.” Buffy looked up as the owner of the, she suddenly realized, sexy voice with a British accent, walked away. She liked what she saw, though. A black, long leather coat, bleached, almost white hair and black jeans.

‘Yummy’ she thought to herself as she managed to get all her things back in her backpack and stood up. ‘Maybe there’s something good about this town after all.’.

“You OK?” Buffy turned at the sound to find a red headed girl and a brunette boy behind her. “We saw what happened.” The girl continued.

“Yeah, I’m fine, just clumsy is all.” Buffy replied, spotting a lip stick that she had missed and quickly picked it up.

“He thinks he owns this school.” The boy said, looking down the hallway where the hot guy had now disappeared around a corner.

“Don’t start with your ‘I hate Spike campaign’ again, Xander.” The red head said, slapping the guy on the arm. “Let her make up her own mind.” She turned back to Buffy. “I’m Willow, and this is Xander. You’re new, right?” Buffy nodded.

“Yeah, moved here a couple of weeks ago. I’m Buffy.”

“Welcome to Sunnyhell, then.” Xander said, disdain in his voice. “The town where nothing ever happens.”

“Could you not be so negative for once? You don’t want to scare her off on her first day here.” Willow complained, then continued to Buffy. “He doesn’t really like living here.”

“You don’t say?” Buffy replied, getting a smile from her new friend. “Anyway, he can’t really change my opinion about the town that much, from what I’ve seen so far, he’s right.”

“No, seriously, there are a few good things about Sunnydale.” Xander said, and Buffy gave him a disbelieving look. “Willow, I think it’s time for the secret weapon.”

“What are you going to do to me?” Buffy asked suspiciously, but both Willow and Xander just smiled.


Los Angeles, present time


Buffy remembered that day like it was yesterday. After her first day at Sunnydale High – which had continued the way it started, she managed to drop her tray in the cafeteria and bump into the school’s head cheerleader, as well as her bag a few more times – Willow and Xander had taken her sight seeing. They had gone to all of their favorite hang outs in the town, and ended up at the Bronze, a club that let everyone in. It had turned out to be one of the best days in Buffy’s life so far, and at the end of it she was actually looking forward to living there.

A lot of the good days had been in Sunnydale with Willow and Xander and her other friends. And with him. Unfortunately, so had a lot of the bad ones.

Chapter two


Sunnydale, present time


Spike pulled the cover over his head to get rid of the incessant knocking. Why wouldn’t whoever it was at the door just go away? It was Sunday for heaven’s sake, and he had the worst hang over.

Cautiously he peeked out from under the cover and saw that it was a little after ten. Who the heck would be here this early?

Realizing that whoever it was wasn’t planning on going away any time soon, he got out of the bed, pulling on a pair of sweats as he made his way to the door.

“What?” He growled, opening the door to reveal Willow. “Red, what in the name of all that is holy are you doing here at this hour?”

“Good morning to you too!” Willow replied brightly, pushing past him into the apartment.

“Emphasize on morning.” Spike mumbled, walking past his friend to get to the kitchen and some much needed coffee.

“Late night?” Willow asked innocently following him into the kitchen. Spike just glared at her. “Guess so.”

“Good guess.” Spike responded, sitting down on one of the chairs, pouring coffee into a cup. “Want some?” Willow shook her head.

“I’ve already had my caffeine dosage for the day.”

“So that’s why you’re so hyper.” Spike observed. It was common knowledge in their gang that Willow and caffeine were not to be mixed.

“Part of it, yes.” Willow nodded, suddenly looking guilty.

“What did you do?” Spike asked, narrowing his eyes. After eight years of friendship he could read the red head like an open book.

“Nothing... really.” Willow replied. “I actually came over to... not warn you, but... give you a heads up.”

“About what?” Spike asked, though he had a feeling in the pit of his stomach what she was talking about.

“Buffy’s coming to visit.” Willow said, holding her breath as she waited for his response.

Spike felt one of the strangest emotions he had ever experienced. On one hand, joy and excitement was rushing through him, but on the other he felt the pain he had come to associate with the girl he had once loved more than anything in the world.

“OK.” He decided to stick with a simple reply. “When is she coming?”

“I’m not sure, she had to talk to her boss first, to get time off. A week or two, I think.” Willow watched every change of expression on Spike’s face. “And don’t try to tell me you’ve planned a trip to England or anything, cause I know you haven’t.” Spike frowned.

“Why would I do that?”

“I don’t know, it was just something Buffy said.” Willow said. “She didn’t want me to tell you she was coming, she thought you’d leave town or something.”

“No, I’ll be here.” He said, thoughts wandering. Why would he avoid her? She was the one who had left, after having ripped his heart out and stomped on it.

“Great.” Willow said relieved. “Could you try to act surprised when you talk to her, though?”

“Sure thing, Red.”

“OK. I’m gonna let you get back to sleeping, or whatever. I have to meet Tara for breakfast.” Willow gave Spike a kiss on the cheek before she headed for the door. “You gonna meet us at the Bronze later?”

“Don’t I always?” Spike said, walking Willow to the door.

“See you at around sevenish, then?” Spike nodded and Willow left.

Spike closed the door behind his friend and leaned his forehead against the cool wood. So she was coming back. The familiar stab of pain returned, and Spike closed his eyes, letting memories take him over.


Sunnydale, 1997


It was the first day of his senior year of high school at Sunnydale High. Though he had been going to the same school for three years, he felt like it was his first day, and in a way it kind of was. During the summer, he had broken up with Dru after finding out she had been cheating on him, and this morning had only confirmed his suspicion that his former friends would turn their back on him, leaving him an outcast.

Sighing, he started walking to his locker to drop his heavy books before going to get some lunch. In spite of his bad boy image, he didn’t cut classes or hate school. He loved reading, especially poetry. Not that he would ever tell anyone about that little hobby.

Opening his locker, he put his books in his back pack and closed the door, turning to head to the cafeteria when someone caught his eye. A new girl. And she was absolutely beautiful.

“Hey, pet, you must be new.” Spike said, approaching the girl. She raised her eyebrows at him.

“Uh, not really.” She replied, opening her locker, which was directly opposite his.

“I think I’d remember seeing you.” Spike tried to compliment.

“I really don’t think you would.” The girl replied from inside her locker.

“Well, if you let me look at you I might figure it out.” The girl sighed and turned, leaning back against her neighbors locker. Spike stared for a moment, not quite able to place her. “I know I’ve seen you before, just not completely sure where.” He admitted.

“Try glasses, braces and brown hair.” The girl replied, turning back to her locker.

Spike quickly did a mental scan of the girls of the school, stopping at a name.

“Buffy Summers.”

“And he gets it right on the first try.” Buffy said sarcastically, slamming her locker shut and starting to walk away from him.

“Hey, wait up.” Spike hurried after her.

“Why?” Buffy said, stopping and turning to face him. “So you can make fun of me?”

“I’ve never made fun of you.” Spike tried to defend himself.

“Well, not you personally, but your friends certainly have.”

“Sorry about that.” Spike said.

“Oh, well that just makes everything better, doesn’t it?” Buffy huffed.

“No, it doesn’t, but I’d like to try to make it up to you.” Spike offered. Buffy eyed him suspiciously.

“Why?”

“Let’s just say I wanna get to know you better.” Spike raised and eyebrow at her. “What do you say?”

“Oh, fine.” Buffy surrendered. “I guess everyone deserves a second chance... or fifth, or whatever you’re up to by now.”

“Great.” Spike started walking down the corridor, Buffy beside him. “You going to lunch.”

“Yeah.” She nodded. “But I’m meeting Xander, Willow, Anya and Oz, so...”

“What, you don’t want me to come along?” Spike asked.

“No, it’s just, I didn’t think you’d want to be seen with us.” Buffy said.

“I don’t have a problem with Red or the Whelp, Oz and I go way back, and Anyanka can be... refreshing.”

“Well, that’s one way of putting it.” She said, laughing.

They entered the cafeteria and Buffy spotted Willow, Oz, Xander and Anya sitting at a table.

“Hey, Buff.” Xander greeted, then he spotted Spike. “What’s he doing here?”

“Xander, play nice.” Willow ordered. “Hi Spike.” She smiled at him.

“Hey Red, Oz, Xander, Anya.” Spike replied, sitting down beside Buffy.

“So, what brings you to the unpopular side of the cafeteria?” Xander asked.

“I can’t sit with whoever I want?” Spike asked.

“Not legally.” Xander responded. “What happened to the Goth club?”

“You can say we... parted ways.” Spike decided to say.

“Oh, did wittle Spikey lose all his friends?”

“Well, yes, but I also wanted to get to know Buffy better.” Spike replied.

“Oh really? Hey, Buffy, nice look by the way.” Xander said, really looking at Buffy for the first time.

“Yeah, Buffy, what brought on the makeover?” Willow asked.

“Stop staring at her!” Anya ordered and slapped Xander on the arm.

“Well, I was staying at my cousins, you know Faith, in LA, and I just thought it was time for a change.” Buffy shrugged, twirling a strand of her newly blond hair around her finger. “Do you like it?”

“You look great, sweetie.” Willow said. “Of course, you did before, too.”

“So, we’re Bronzing it tonight?” Xander intervened and everyone nodded.

Spike watched the display between the four, and couldn’t help but think that it had never been like that when he had spent time with his and Dru’s friends.


Sunnydale, present time


Spike tried to shake the memory of that day off as he went onto the balcony to have a smoke. It was almost eight years ago, but it could just as easily have been last week. He could still remember the way Buffy had looked, how she had smelled and what kinds of feelings she had brought to him. When he looked back, he knew that was the day he had fallen in love with her.

So she was coming back. He could handle that. Or at least he hoped so.

Chapter three


Los Angeles, present time


Buffy checked for the umpteenth time that she had everything she needed. The plane ticket was in her purse along with her wallet. She had packed enough clothes for several months, even though she was only staying three weeks. In her hand luggage she had her portable CD player and some CDs as well as a book by her favorite author. She was all set.

Then why wasn’t she walking out that door?

She, of course, knew the answer to that, even if she didn’t want to admit it to herself. The thought of possibly seeing him in a few hours scared her. She was afraid that seeing him would bring back all the pain again, and she had managed to mostly put it behind her. She was also afraid that he would avoid her completely.

But most of all she was afraid that she wasn’t over him after all.

Buffy leaned against the wall in the hallway of her apartment. She had a few minutes before her cab would get there.

Of course she was over him. Wasn’t she? If she was to be brutally honest with herself, which she seldom was, she didn’t know. She hadn’t seen him since she had left Sunnydale, so she didn’t know how she’d react to seeing him again.

Sure, she had dated other guys. But there had never been any real sparkage. Not like it had been with him.

If she closed her eyes she could still remember every detail of their very first date.


Sunnydale, 1997


It was October 31st and that night there was a Halloween party at the Bronze. Spike had been a permanent addition to Buffy’s gang of friends for almost two months now, having been accepted by Willow and Anya immediately. Xander had taken a little more time, but was starting to come around. Buffy had been a little suspicious around him for the first few weeks, but he had turned into a good friend. Buffy thought that she had been over the crush she had had on him when she first came to Sunnydale, since he had spent their entire junior year ignoring her. Having him in her presence every day like she had for the past two months had awakened some of the feelings again, however.

And now he had finally asked her out, to the party. Sure, they would be going with Xander, Anya, Willow and her boyfriend, Oz, but it was still an official date. Which meant butterflies in a major quantity.

Buffy, Willow and Anya were getting ready at Buffy’s place. They had gone shopping for costumes together, and the guys had no idea what they were to expect.

“Does this look right?” Anya asked, turning to face Willow and Buffy. She was wearing a short top and tight shorts, along with roller blades.

“It looks fine... what are you supposed to be again?” Willow asked, peeking her head through the bathroom door.

“A Charlie’s Angel, isn’t it obvious?” Anya eyed her costume suspiciously.

“Sure it is.” Buffy said, not wanting to send Anya into a fit of hysteria. “Is mine OK?”

“It looks great Buffy.” Anya said, looking Buffy’s costume over. “Don’t forget the cape, though.”

“I won’t.” Buffy said, putting the red cape on. She was wearing an adult version of a Little Red Riding Hood costume.

“OK, I’m done.” Willow announced, coming out of the bathroom. “Do I look OK?”

“Wow, that’s one sexy witch.” Anya announced, causing Willow to go bright red. She was wearing a short, black skirt, black fishnet stockings and a tight, black top. Of course, to top it off, she also had a black, pointy hat.

“It’s not too much?” She pulled on the skirt, trying to make it longer.

“Oz is gonna have a fit.” Buffy assured her.

“I think they all will.” Willow said, looking at her friends’ costumes. “We are hot!”

“We sure are.” Anya agreed, just as the doorbell sounded. “Let’s go get out men.”

The three girls went downstairs where Buffy’s mom had let the guys in. Xander had dressed up as a soldier, Spike as a vampire and Oz... Buffy wasn’t sure what he was supposed to be, he was wearing a white t-shirt that had the word GOD on it.

Willow and Anya went up to their respective boyfriends and Buffy nervously approached Spike. Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea after all.

“Hey.” She greeted, doing her best not to avoid his eyes. She didn’t have that much experience in the dating area. Or, actually, any experience at all.

“Hey yourself.” Spike replied, eyeing her costume. “Like your outfit.”

“Really?” Buffy asked, self-consciously fingering the hem of the red cape. “Yours looks good too.”

“Thanks, pet.” Spike gave her a smile. “Oh, I brought you these.” He continued, pulling a bouquet of pink roses from behind his back.

“They’re beautiful, thank you.” Buffy accepted the roses and inhaled their scent. “Mom, could you put these in some water?” She handed the bouquet to her mother, who had so far been standing quiet in the hallway.

“Sure, honey. You kids have fun tonight, OK?” Joyce gave Buffy a kiss on the cheek. “Don’t stay out too late, and be home by lunch tomorrow.” Buffy and Anya were spending the night at Willow’s place.

“OK, mom, see you tomorrow.” Buffy said before the group left the house. Buffy and Spike trailed a little behind the others. “Hey, what’s Oz supposed to be?” Buffy asked when they walked down the porch steps.

“God.” Spike answered. “Didn’t you see his t-shirt?” Buffy laughed and they followed the others down the street.

Since the Bronze was only five minutes from Buffy’s house, they walked there. When they entered the old warehouse, they all looked around in astonishment.

“This place looks so different.” Willow said, and the others agreed. There pumpkin lanterns everywhere, and spider web covered the walls, tables and chairs.

“They really went all out.” Xander said. There were a lot of people there, some dancing but most of them just sitting at tables, talking. Buffy spotted a free table, and they hurried over.

They spent the rest of the night talking, laughing and dancing. It was almost two o’clock, and the club would close in a few minutes, when the band started a slow song. Willow and Oz and Xander and Anya went to dance, and Buffy looked down at the floor. The night had been very similar to every other night the six of them had spent together, and she was starting to think that maybe she had read too much into him asking her to come.

“Want to dance?” Buffy looked up. Spike was standing in front of her, holding his hand out to her. She took it, and they walked toward the dance floor.

“Hey, Buffy, right?” Buffy stopped and turned against the voice.

“Hi Angel.” She replied, seeing her next door neighbor standing there.

“You having a good time?” He asked and she nodded.

“Yeah, sure.” Why was he talking to her? In the year they had lived next door to each other they hadn’t exchanged as much as a hello.

“I just wanted to ask you if you wanted to dance.” Angel said, looking at her expectantly.

“Sorry, Angel, I’m here with Spike.” Buffy explained. Angel looked at Spike, who was standing behind Buffy, seemingly just noticing him.

“Oh, right, sorry.” He said, turning to leave. “I guess I’ll see you around?” He walked away, and Buffy and Spike continued onto the dance floor.

As the first words of the song floated into the air, Spike wrapped his arms around Buffy and she rested her cheek on his shoulder.


This romeo is bleeding
But you can’t see his blood
It’s nothing but some feelings
That this old dog kicked up
It's been raining since you left me
Now I’m drowning in the flood
You see I’ve always been a fighter
But without you I give up
Now I can't sing a love song
Like the way it's meant to be
Well, I guess I'm not that good anymore
But baby, that's just me


Buffy closed her eyes and let the sensations wash over her. The music, the feeling of Spike’s body so close to hers, his arms around her. She felt like she was walking on clouds.


And I will love you, baby - Always
And I’ll be there forever and a day - Always
I’ll be there till the stars don’t shine
Till the heavens burst and
The words don’t rhyme
And I know when I die, you’ll be on my mind
And I’ll love you - Always


Buffy felt one of Spike’s hands travel up her body to tangle in her hair. She pulled back a little so she could look at him. Their eyes met and she saw that his were filled with as much emotion as she knew hers must be.


Now your pictures that you left behind
Are just memories of a different life
Some that made us laugh, some that made us cry
One that made you have to say goodbye
What I’d give to run my fingers through your hair
To touch your lips, to hold you near
When you say your prayers try to understand
I’ve made mistakes, I’m just a man


They stared into each other’s eyes for what felt like an eternity, until Buffy reached up and captured his lips with hers. He seemed surprised for a moment, but then returned the kiss, pulling her closer.


When he holds you close, when he pulls you near
When he says the words you’ve been needing to hear
I’ll wish I was him ‘cause those words are mine
To say to you till the end of time
Yeah, I will love you baby - Always
And I’ll be there forever and a day - Always


Everything around them seemed to disappear as the kiss deepened. Buffy wrapped her arms around Spike’s neck and pressed herself as close to him as she could. He moaned into her mouth, his hands falling down to her waist to hold her tighter.


If you told me to cry for you
I could
If you told me to die for you
I would
Take a look at my face
There’s no price I won’t pay
To say these words to you

Well, there ain’t no luck
In these loaded dice
But baby if you give me just one more try
We can pack up our old dreams
And our old lives
We’ll find a place where the sun still shines


They were hardly moving to the music any more, and both of them were ignorant to the attention they were getting from the rest of the people on and off the dance floor. All that existed was the two of them. If they had been a little more aware of their surroundings, they may have noticed the couple who were standing in a corner, whispering to each other and pointing to the couple on the dance floor.


And I will love you, baby - Always
And I’ll be there forever and a day - Always
I’ll be there till the stars don’t shine
Till the heavens burst and
The words don’t rhyme
And I know when I die, you’ll be on my mind
And I’ll love you - Always


They didn’t notice that the music had stopped until someone patted Buffy on the shoulder. She reluctantly pulled back and noticed that the lights were on and everyone was leaving.

“Don’t you guys need to breath?” Xander asked, making Buffy blush.

“Leave her alone, Whelp.” Spike said, putting his arm around Buffy’s shoulder and guided her toward the exit, the others following behind them.


Los Angeles, present time


A car horn pulled Buffy out of her daydream, and she looked out the window to see a cab on the street. She grabbed her bags and headed downstairs where the cab driver put her suitcases in the trunk while she got in the car.

She leaned back in the seat and ran a finger over her lower lip. She could still feel his lips against hers, even after all these years.

She remembered how she, Willow and Anya had spent almost the entire night gossiping about the guys. She had been so excited to finally have a boyfriend, so happy. If only she had know then what she knew now... she still would have done the exact same thing, she realized. She didn’t want to have anything undone, even now, knowing the pain he had caused her.



AN: The song in this chapter is ‘Always’ by Bon Jovi, which has also given its name to the whole story.

Chapter four


Sunnydale, present time


Spike looked at the clock for what must have been the hundred and fiftieth time that day, and it was only 10.30 a.m. He had been at the book store for less than two hours, but it felt like much more. Willow was going to the airport to pick Buffy up at one p.m. and they were all going out to dinner that night at Valentino’s, the best Italian restaurant in Sunnydale. It was also the only Italian restaurant in the town. Spike wasn’t sure how he felt about that.

Valentino’s was the restaurant he had taken Buffy to on their one month anniversary.

He still remembered that day as it had been yesterday.


Sunnydale, 1997


Spike stopped the car outside Buffy’s house. He didn’t get out, though, instead he leaned back against the car seat.

He, Spike Giles, bad boy of Sunnydale, was nervous. Why, he didn’t know. He had never been nervous when it came to Dru. ‘But this is different’ a little voice said inside his head ‘you’re in love with her’. For a second, the thought frightened him. Sure, he had been in love with Dru, or at least he thought he had been at the time, but that hadn’t exactly ended well. Could he risk getting hurt like that again? The question was answered almost before he had thought it. Of course he could, and he would. He couldn’t go through life being afraid of getting hurt all the time. What kind of life would that be?

Having finished his line of thoughts, Spike opened the car door and walked up the drive to Buffy’s house. He rung the bell, and the door was opened almost instantly.

“Hi Spike.” The voice belonged to Buffy’s fifteen-year-old little sister, Dawn.

“Hey bit. Is big sis ready yet?” Spike asked and walked into the house when Dawn stepped aside.

“Of course not.” Dawn replied, closing the door behind him. “That would mean she’d be on time, which she is physically incapable of.”

“I am so not!” Buffy complained, coming down the stairs just in time to hear her sister. Spike couldn’t do anything but stare at her. She looked amazing in a knee length, black dress which accentuated her curves.

“OK, Buffy, whatever you say.” Dawn said, rolling her eyes before she walked into the living room and turned the TV on. “Don’t stay out too late.” She called into the hallway.

“Sure thing, MOM.” Buffy replied, putting her jacket on. “Let’s go.”

Buffy opened the door and Spike followed her out. On the porch she stopped to close the door, before she pulled him down for a kiss.

“Hello.” She said, pulling away from him and smiling. Spike responded by pressing her up against the house, attacking her mouth again. After a moment he pulled back, leaving them both panting for air.

“Hey.” He said, looking her deep in the eyes, seeing the lust and need in his own eyes reflected in hers. There had been a lot of kissing and making out between them in the past month, but not more than that. He was pretty sure that she was still a virgin, and he wanted her first time, and their first time together, to be special. “We should get going, I made a reservation for eight and we don’t wanna be late.” He said, and she followed him to the car.

“Where are we going?” She asked when he got in the drivers seat and started the car.

“That, my dear, is a surprise.” He said, a secretive smile on his lips.

“What kind of surprise?” She asked curiously.

“The kind where I don’t actually tell you what it is.” Spike replied, determined not to tell her.

“But I don’t like surprises.” Buffy said, pouting. Spike had to use all his strength not to pull the car over and ravish her.

“Yes you do.” He argued.

“Well, I like the surprise part, but I hate the waiting.” She complained.

“You won’t have to wait long, we’ll be there in a couple of minutes.” Spike revealed.

“OK, so we’re going somewhere in Sunnydale then.” Buffy thought out loud. “There aren’t really a lot of nice places here, though. You are taking me somewhere nice, right?”

“Of course, pet.” Spike chuckled at her insecurity. “Only the best for my girl.”

“Would ‘the best’ involve some kind of present?” She asked, looking at him from beneath lowered lashes.

“You’ll just have to wait and see, won’t you?” He teased her and she playfully slapped him.

“Don’t tease me!” She said, turning her attention to where they were. “OK, we’re downtown, not far from the docks, I don’t think there are any restaurants around here.” She glanced at him out of the corner of one eye.

“Not saying a word.” Spike said, shaking his head.

“You’re no fun!” Buffy announced before she clapped her hands together. “I know, Valentino’s! You’re taking me to Valentino’s!”

Valentino’s was a new, Italian restaurant, and it was very ‘in’ amoung the richer inhabitants of Sunnydale.

“Fine, you got me, we’re going to Valentino’s.” Spike admitted, pulling in to the parking lot of the restaurant.

“Thank you thank you thank you!” Buffy threw her arms around him as soon as he stopped the car. “I’ve been wanting to go here for, like, forever.”

“Buffy, love, the place only opened a few weeks ago.” Spike pointed out, earning a scowl.

“I know that, it’s just a figure of speech.” She said, reaching to open the car door.

“Wait, don’t move.” Spike jumped out of the car, rushed around it before and opened the door before Buffy had a chance to. “Milady.” He offered Buffy his arm and helped her out of the car.

“I didn’t know you could be all gentlemanly.” Buffy said as they walked into the restaurant.

“Well, I was raised British after all.” Spike replied before turning a waiter. “We have a reservation for two, Giles.”

The man checked their name off a list.

“Follow me please.” He led them through the restaurant to a table by the window where they could look out over the darkening ocean. There were lit candles on the table and the waiter pulled out the chair for Buffy.

“Thank you.” She said, sitting down. Spike took his seat opposite her and they both accepter the menus the waiter offered them.

“This place is amazing.” Buffy whispered when the waiter had left them. “Are you sure you can afford this?”

“Like I said, only the best for my girl.” Spike reassured her. Truth was, he had borrowed some money from his dad, but she didn’t need to know that. The important thing was that she had a good time, and he was going to make sure she did.

“Everything sounds delicious.” Buffy said, trying to decide what to order.

“It sure does.” Spike agreed. “I think I’ll have the penne with artichokes and shrimp.”

“Yeah, that sounds great, but I think I’ll order the chicken scarpariello.” Buffy said, closing her menu. “But I’ll be sampling your food, just so you know.”

The waiter returned and they ordered their food.

“So, do you have some other surprise planned, or can I relax now?” Buffy asked, leaning back in her chair.

“I thought we’d go to the Bronze later, do some dancing.” Spike revealed, reaching in his pocket for the jewellery box. “And this.” He placed the box on the table between them and Buffy eyed it suspiciously. “It’s not gonna bite you.” Spike said, chuckling.

“I know, it’s just... it looks kind of expensive.” Buffy explained. “I only go you this.” She took a present out of her purse and gave it to him. “It’s nothing special.”

“Anything from you is special.” Spike said, unwrapping the gift and revealing a Sex Pistols CD. “I don’t have this one, how did you know that?” He said, leaning over the table to giver her a kiss.

“I snooped.” She admitted, blushing. “I just wanted to get you something you’d like.”

“Are you kidding, I love it.” Spike said. “Now open yours.”

Buffy carefully removed the wrapping paper and looked at the black box for a few seconds before opening it. When she saw what was inside, her hand flew to her mouth.

“It’s beautiful, I love it.” She took the gold, heart shaped medallion out of the box. “Put it on for me?” He fastened the chain around her neck and she pulled up a mirror. “Oh, thank you so much.” She gave him a kiss that quickly turned deeper. They pulled apart when the waiter came back with their drinks.

*****

Later that night Buffy and Spike were dancing at the Bronze. After a delicious meal at Valentino’s before continuing to the club where they had met their friends. Now, hours later, the club was about to close.

Buffy leaned her head against Spike’s shoulder, the music pulsating through their bodies. Spike ran his hands over her back, pulling her closer. A quiet moan escaped her lips, and he quickly silenced it with a kiss that deepened fast. When the music ended, they pulled apart, staring into each other’s eyes. Spike took Buffy’s hand, interlacing their fingers and went in search of their friends.

“Hey, guys, we’re gonna take off.” He said, finding Xander and Anya at a table.

OK, night.” Xander said.

“Have fun.” Anya said. Buffy and Spike walked towards the exit, and were about to leave the club when Anya called after them. “And many orgasms.” Buffy looked up at Spike before quickly turning her attention to the ground. They walked in silence to his car, and he opened the door for her.

“I had a really good time tonight.” She said before gettin in, giving him a quick kiss.

“So did I.” He said before walking around the car and getting into the drivers seat. Before he could react, Buffy attacked his mouth with her and wrapped her arms around his neck as much as she could in the limited space.

Spike immediately responded to the kiss, pulling her closer. She moaned into his mouth and he used the opportunity to slip his tongue in to battle with hers. When she somehow managed to move from the passenger seat and over to his so she was straddling his hips, he thanked a higher power that he had parked in the alley behind the club.

Their hands were everywhere, pulling on clothes and caressing every accessible area of exposed skin. Spike was getting lost in the sensation of having her so close to him when she felt her hand reach between them to the zipper in his pants. He quickly grabbed her hand and pulled away from her.

“No.” He said, trying to catch his breath.

“No? What... why...” She panted, tears slowly forming in her eyes. “You don’t want me.” She tried to get back in her seat, but he grabbed her by the hips, pressing her against him so she could feel exactly what she was doing to him.

“Does this feel like I don’t want you?” He asked, pulling her down for a light kiss.

“I don’t understand.” Buffy said as they pulled apart.

“Not here and not like this.” He said, gesturing to the car. “I want it to be special.”

“OK, you do remember that you’re the guy in this relationship, right?” Buffy asked, giggling a little.

“I know.” He said, stroking a stand of hair from her face. “It’s just... I think... I love you.” He expected her to pull away from him, but instead she kissed him again.

“Well that’s good, cause I think I kinda love you too.” She said, and Spike felt like the butterflies that had inhabited his stomach for the better part of the evening were doing somersaults. He returned the kiss before pulling away again.

“OK, I’m gonna take you home before I start to rething my noble approach.” She giggled and got back in her seat as he started the car.


Sunnydale, present time


Spike was pulled out of his walk down memory lane by the bell above the door of the store. Usually he enjoyed working in the small book store he had bought two years earlier, but today he only wanted the time to pass so he could go home. He looked at the clock again. 10.45. How was he ever going to get through the day at this speed?

Chapter five


Sunnydale airport, present time


Buffy put her seatbelt on when the ‘Fasten your seatbelt’ sign came on. They were going in for landing. God, she hated to fly. Why hadn’t she taken her car instead of getting in this metal thing where she had absolutely no control over anything? Sure, it would have taken longer, but still.

She leaned back in her seat and inhaled deeply, trying to pull herself together. She could do this. And the butterflies that had taken up living in her stomach had absolutely nothing to do with the fact that she, in a few hours, would be face to face with the guy she once thought that she would spend the rest of her life with for the first time since he walked out on her. At least, that was what she was trying to tell herself, without much success.

Buffy frantically chewed on her gum to get the pressure in her ears to subside. She looked out the window, which was a mistake. The ground was closing in on them, and she immediately began hyper ventilating. ‘Go to a happy place’ she told herself mentally, closing her eyes and leaning back in the seat.


Sunnydale, 1998


Buffy was awakened by singing from the hallway. Pretending to be asleep, she peeked out from under the cover as her parents and little sister walked into the room, holding presents and a breakfast tray. It was a Summers tradition that whenever someone had a birthday, that person would get breakfast in bed and presents in the morning.

“We know you’re awake, so stop faking.” Dawn announced, sitting down on the bed, and Buffy’s legs. Buffy pulled her legs from under her sister and sat up against the headboard of her bed.

“So, how does it feel to be eighteen?” Her mother, Joyce, asked, setting the tray on the bedside table.

“Strangely enough a lot like being seventeen.” Buffy said, reaching for a present.

“But it must feel a little different.” Dawn insisted. “I mean, you can vote, and join the army... anything you want. You know, except for drink or buy alcohol, which, by the way, I think is strange. You are mature enough to get married but not to drink.”

“Let’s not give your sister any ideas, OK, Dawn.” Their dad, Hank, said jokingly. “We don’t want her running off to get married and enroll.”

“You don’t have to worry, I have no plans to.” Buffy said, ripping the paper off the present. “I’ve been looking at this for weeks!” She exclaimed, holding up a cashmere sweater. “Thanks, Mom.” She gave her mother a kiss on the cheek.

“It’s from you father too, I just picked it out.” Joyce said.

“Thank you too, then.” Buffy gave her father a hug before returning to the present opening.

“That one’s from me.” Dawn said.

“Thanks, Dawnie.” Buffy said, revealing a newly released movie with one of her favorite actors.

“There will be more presents when your grandparents come on Sunday, but this is it for now.” Joyce said, gathering the wrapping paper from Buffy’s bed.

“Great, let’s eat.” Dawn said, reaching for a sandwich.

*****

“Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you.” Willow and Xander sing-songed as they approached Buffy’s locker. Xander gave Buffy a hug, closely followed by Willow.

“So, how’s the birthday girl? Feel any older?” Xander asked, and Buffy shook her head.

“Not really. And besides, eighteen isn’t really that big.” Buffy shrugged.

“Are you kidding? You’re all growed up!” Willow said.

“Yes, you can now be prosecuted in all fifty states.” Xander offered.

“Gee, thanks for putting it in perspective for me.” Buffy said. “Now I definitely feel old.”

“Oh, poor Buffy, are you having a mid-teen-life crisis?” Willow gave Buffy a compassionate smile and Buffy playfully slapped her arm.

“So, we still on for the Bronze tonight?” She asked and closed her locker.

“Of course, birthday dancing for everyone.” Xander agreed and the trio made their way down the hallway to their first class.

*****

Buffy was standing at her locker after second period when someone covered her eyes from behind.

“Guess who?”

Buffy smiled a little, deciding to play with him.

“I don’t know, could it be... Angel?”

“Not funny.” Spike said, removing his hands. Buffy turned around and gave him a kiss.

“Aw, did I hurt your feelings?” She asked.

“You know he has a thing for you.” Spike countered.

“He does not.” Buffy said. “We’re just friends.”

“Just friends?” Spike huffed. “I’ve heard that one before. Guys like him are not ‘just friends’ with girls like you.”

“ ‘Girls like me’?” Buffy asked, frowning.

“I just meant pretty girls.” Spike said.

“OK, nice save.” Buffy admitted, wrapping her arms around Spike’s neck. “I’m your girl, OK?”

“I know.” Spike nodded, kissing her forehead. “I just get jealous sometimes, ignore me.”

“Well, you have no reason to be jealous, because I’m not interested in Angel.” Buffy assured him.

“That’s good, cause otherwise I’d have to take this back.” He said, pulling a gift bag from behind his back.

“No, don’t take it back, gimme!” Buffy reached for the bag, but he held it out of reach for her.

“What do you say?”

“Please! Pretty please!” Buffy gave him her best puppy eyes and pout.

“That’s cheating, you know I can’t resist.” Spike handed her the bag.

“That was kind of the point.” She admitted, pulling the silvery paper from the bag to reveal the CD ‘Cross Road – Best of Bon Jovi’. “Thank you, I love Bon Jovi.” She said, giving Spike a hug.

“I know you do.” He said, taking the CD from her. “And look, our song is on it.”

She looked at the back of the CD where he was pointing. The song ‘Always’ that they had danced to on their first date was on the CD.

“Well, that just makes it even more special.” Buffy said, smiling.

“Only the best for my girl.”

*****

“Couldn’t you just have called Oz and asked him to bring your purse to the Bronze?” Buffy asked as she followed Willow up the path to the red head’s house.

“No, I really need it. Sorry.” Willow smiled apologetically and opened the front door. “Come on, you can wait in the living room.”

Buffy walked through the hallway to the Rosenberg’s living room. The light was off, so she reached for the switch, only to jump five foot into the air when the light came on.

“SURPRISE!” Oz, Xander, Anya, Spike and some other people from the school yelled at her. The room was decorated with balloons and streamers and on the table was a cake.

“Surprise!” Willow said, coming in behind Buffy.

“You guys did all this for me?” Buffy asked, tears of happiness forming in her eyes.

“Of course, you only turn eighteen once.” Xander said.

“Thank you!” Buffy said, hugging her friends.

“OK, do you wanna do cake or presents first?” Anya asked.

“Need you ask?” Buffy asked, and everyone turned their attention to the gift table.

Buffy loved all of her presents. She got everything from clothes and CD’s to movies and jewellery. When she had opened all the gifts on the table, Spike handed her another.

“But you already gave me my present.” She said, frowning.

“I gave you one of your present, this is the second one.” Spike said.

Buffy removed the wrapping paper and found a diary looking book with leather covers.

“It’s beautiful. Thank you.”

“Open it.” Spike encouraged her and she did.

“ ‘Remember tonight... for it is the beginning of always’.” Buffy read out loud from the first page.

“I put together poems and quotes that I thought you would like.” Spike said, looking at the floor. “I know it’s kind of lame, but...”

“It’s not.” Buffy cut him off. “I love it.” She kissed him, forgetting that they were in a room full of their friends.

“Time for cake!” Anya announced, breaking them apart.

*****

After presents and cake, they continued to the Bronze where the group split up, leaving Buffy, Spike, Willow, Oz, Xander and Anya alone.

A few hours later found the three couples dancing to a slow song that the live band was playing.

Buffy sighed and leaned her head against Spike’s shoulder. They had been dating for almost three months now, and she felt like it was time to move their relationship to the next level. She was still a virgin, she wanted her first time to be with someone she loved. And she loved Spike, and she was was pretty sure he loved her too, but since the time in the car, he hadn’t brought up the subject of sex, and she was too shy to.

“You staying at Willow’s tonight?” Spike asked, and Buffy pulled back to look at him. She saw the question in his eyes and wondered if he could read her mind.

“I don’t have to.” She replied, knowing Spike’s dad was out of town for the weekend.

“What if your mom calls?” Spike said.

“She won’t.” Buffy responded. “And if she does, Willow would cover.”

“Are you sure? You don’t have to. And we don’t have to, I mean we could just sleep.” Buffy couldn’t help but smile at his insecurity.

“What if I want to?” She whispered before pulling him down for a kiss.

The lights came on in the club and they made their way over to Willow and Oz.

“You ready to go?” Willow asked Buffy.

“Yeah, we’re ready.” Buffy replied. “But I thought that maybe... I mean if it’s OK with you...”

“I’ll tell your mom your asleep or in the bathroom or something.” Willow said. “You two go have fun. But not too much fun.”

“Thanks Wils.” Buffy gave her friend a hug.

“And call me tomorrow, I want details!” Willow whispered so the guys couldn’t hear. “And be careful.”

They said goodbye and Buffy and Spike made their way to his car. The ride to Spike’s house was made in silence, both of them nervous.

After turning the ignition off, Spike walked around to open the door for Buffy. He took her hand in his and they walked into the house and up the stairs. When Spike closed the door to his room behind them, Buffy bit her lip and looked at the floor. Spike put a finger under her chin and raised her face up for a kiss.

“It’s OK, you can still change your mind.” He said after pulling away from her. “Like I said, we can just sleep.”

“No, it’s just... I haven’t... before.” Buffy said, blushing a little. “I’m just nervous.”

“Me too.” Spike admitted.

“You’re nervous? But I thought you had, you know...”

“Well, yeah, but this... it’s different.” He said, looking her deep in the eyes.

“Really?” Buffy asked and Spike nodded.

“I love you, you know that right?”

“I know, I love you too.” Buffy replied less than a second before Spike covered her mouth with his. All of a sudden, Buffy felt completely relaxed. This was right, she could feel it.

Time seemed to stop as the kiss deepend. Hands roamed over skin and clothes and Spike pulled Buffy down on top of him on the bed.

‘Too many clothes’ Buffy thought and tugged at Spike’s shirt. He sat up to pull it off, removing her top as well. They both kicked off their shoes and Spike turned them so he was on top.

Buffy tried to hide her semi-nude upper body, but Spike pulled her hands away.

“Don’t, let me see you.” He said, kissing her on the mouth before travelling lower, licking and kissing his way down her throat. He kissed her breasts through her lace bra before reaching behind her to remove it.

Buffy gasped as Spike covered one of her breasts with his mouth. She needed to be closer to him, skin on skin, so she reached for his belt, but failed to remove it. To help her, Spike stood up and removed his pants and socks. Buffy inhaled deeply when she realized he wasn’t wearing any underwear.

“You OK?” He asked, returning to her on the bed.

“Mm-hm, I’m fine.” She replied.

“Are you sure? Cause we can still stop, if you want to.” Spike said, observing her closely.

“No.” She said, pulling him down on top of her again. Their lips met and Buffy melted into the embrace. She felt Spike’s hands wander down her body to the hem of her skirt. She reached down to unzip it and let him know it was OK, and he pulled the skirt down her legs along with her pantyhose, leaving her in nothing but her panties.

“Beautiful.” He whispered, running his hand up her thigh, making her shudder. He reclaimed his position on top of her, and Buffy shifted a little to allow him closer. He moaned as she rubbed against him, and she could feel how hard he was, with nothing more than her underwear separating them.

Spike kissed her, and she opened her mouth letting their tongues meet. His hand slipped between them, and he stroked her through the material of her panties. When he slipped one finger under the piece of clothing and inside her, Buffy moaned into his mouth.

“Feel good?” Spike asked, pulling back a little.

“God, yes.” Buffy replied, moving her hips in time with his finger’s movements. “Need... more.”

“Are you sure?” Buffy could only nod, and Spike moved away from her, retrieving a condom from his wallet. Kneeling on the bed, he pulled her panties off before putting the condom on. He laid down on top of her again, leaning on his elbows. “Just relax, OK. It’ll hurt a little at first.”

Buffy nodded again and Spike leaned down and kissed her. She returned the kiss as she felt him push inside her. When he broke through her barrier, she gasped into the kiss and fisted her hands against the shot of pain. But it didn’t hurt as much as she had thought it would, and the pain was soon replaced by a more pleasurable feeling. Spike had stopped moving as soon as he was fully inside her, and now he pulled back to look at her.

“You OK?” Buffy nodded and moved her hips experimentally. “Oh, don’t do that.” Spike said, grabbing her hips to keep her still.

“Why? Did I hurt you?” Buffy asked startled and Spike chuckled.

“No, definitely not.” He said, kissing her lightly. “But we don’t want the show to end before it even started, do we?” He pulled out a little only to thrust back in again. Buffy gasped at the new, and rather nice, sensation.

“Like that?” Spike asked, continuing his movements. Buffy nodded and pulled him closer so that almost every part of their bodies were touching. Spike caressed her leg before wrapping it around his waist. Buffy mimicked the motion with her other leg, and they both moaned as the new angle allowed Spike to hit a spot deep within her.

As if they had always been together, their bodies started moving in sync in a rhythm as old as life itself. Tongues battled and hands roamed, in search for the release they both needed.

Buffy felt her body tense up before she fell apart, followed by Spike a few seconds later. He collapsed on top of her, and they breathed heavily. Not wanting to crush her, Spike rolled them both over so he was underneath and took the opportunity to pull the cover over them. Buffy laid her head on his chest, listening to the fast beat of his heart.

“That was...” She started, not finding a suitable word.

“Amazing?” He suggested and she nodded.

“Yeah, at least.” She agreed, suddenly getting self-conscious. “Was I... OK?”

“OK? Did that seem like just OK?” Spike asked, frowning. “Baby, you were incredible.”

“Really?” She turned so she could look at him.

“Really.” He said, caressing her cheek.


Sunnydale airport, present time


Buffy shook the daydream–turned–sex fantasy away when the pilot’s voice sounded through the plane. Since when did she fantasize about their time together? Sure, it had been good, but it wasn’t like she had lived like a nun for the past seven years. There had been other guys after him. ‘But it was never the same’ a little voice inside her head insisted. No, it hadn’t been the same since, she admitted to herself. But that wasn’t because of the sex itself, it was because she had never trusted anyone the way she had trusted him. And she never would again.

Buffy unbuckled her seatbelt as soon as the sign came off. She hurriedly gathered her things and followed the other passengers off the plane, heading for the baggage claim. When she had gotten her suitcase she continued through the doors to the waiting area. She looked around for Willow, but heard her before she spotted her.

“Buffy, Buffy, over here!” Buffy turned to find her friend jumping up and down a few feet away and quickly made her way over.

“Hi, Wils.” Buffy greeted, and the two friends hugged.

“It’s so good to see you!” Willow said, grabbing Buffy’s back pack.

“It’s really good to see you too.” Buffy replied.

“Come on, I’ve got the car out front.” Willow said, heading for the exits. “So, how does it feel to be home?”

“Actually, pretty good.” Buffy replied, and realized it was true. She was home.

Chapter six


Sunnydale, present time


Spike locked up the front of the store and turned the key that pulled down the metal bars protecting the windows. Before walking out through the back door, he turned the security alarm on. When he had first moved to Sunnydale, ten years earlier, the people of the town would have laughed if someone had told them that they would need bars and alarms to keep people from robbing their stores. But crime had come to even the small town of Sunnydale.

Since Spike had closed the store a little earlier to get ready for the dinner, there were still a lot of people out in the streets. Not that the streets being abandoned it would have stopped him from walking home. Spike lived less than ten minutes from the store, and he walked there and home every day of the year, in snowstorms as well as blistering heat.

Checking his watch, he realized he was running a little late and that it was already six thirty. They were meeting at the restaurant at eight, and he wanted to take a shower a relax a little before. Quickening his paces, he walked down Main Street, stopping in front a small store called ‘April Fools’ which sold formal wear. Spike smiled when he saw the tuxes and dresses on display in the window, and remembered his high school prom seven years earlier.


Sunnydale, 1998


“Would you hurry up, man, the limo’ll be here in a few minutes!” Spike yelled through the bathroom door. He, Xander and Oz were getting ready at his place before picking up the girls and, to Spike’s dislike, Angel and his current girlfriend Darla. In the past few months, Angel had almost become a part of their little gang, and Spike wasn’t happy about it. He was sure that Angel still had a thing for Buffy and that he was just biding his time before he could make a move.

“Calm down already!” Xander said, opening the door to the bathroom. “I’m done.”

“You take longer than a girl, you know that?” Spike complained.

“Yes, but I look pretty.” Xander replied.

“Limo’s here.” Oz called from downstairs and Spike and Xander made their way down.

“Are we ready to go get our girls?” Oz asked, and Spike nodded.

“And Angel and Darla, don’t forget them.” Xander added and Spike frowned.

“I still don’t get why they have to go with us.” He said.

“Because we couldn’t afford the limo by ourselves.” Oz reminded him.

“And we don’t have to hang out with them at the prom, only for the drive there.” Xander comforted. “I don’t like him any more than you.”

“OK, let’s get the show on the road.” Oz said, and led the way out the door and down the driveway where the limo driver opened the car door for them. They got in and looked around the spacious area as the driver pulled out from the curb.

“Do we have to go to the prom?” Xander asked, finding the remote to the small built in TV. “I could stay here all night.”

“I don’t think the girls would agree.” Oz said reasonably.

“Yeah, I think they’re pretty set on going to the dance, man.” Spike agreed.

“Oh, fine, spoil my fun.” Xander said. He pressed a button on the remote and almost dropped it when the wall that separated the driver’s area from the passengers slid down.

“We’re here, guys.” The driver said before getting out of the car. Spike, Xander and Oz did the same and found themselves in front of Buffy’s house. The driver closed the car door behind them and leaned against the limo.

“Thanks, this will probably take a little while.” Spike said, and the driver nodded.

“No problem.”

Spike, Xander and Oz walked up to the house and Spike rang the bell. Within a few seconds the door was opened by Buffy’s mother.

“Hello, boys, don’t you look handsome.” She said, stepping aside to let them in.

“Thank you, Mrs. Summers.” Spike said.

“How many times do I have to tell you to call me Joyce?” She asked. “And that goes for all of you.”

“Thanks, Joyce.” Xander said, closing the door. “Where’re the girls?”

“Here!” They heard from upstairs, and everyone turned to see Buffy, Willow and Anya walk down the stairs. All any of the guys could do was stare. Buffy was wearing a light pink, strapless dress with tiny rhine stones embroided on the bodice. Willow had chosen a dark green dress which brought out her red hair perfectly. Anya’s dress was a black halter with a slit that came up to mid thigh.

“Wow!” Spike, Xander and Oz exclaimed in unison and the girls smiled.

“You look amazing.” Spike said, giving Buffy a kiss.

“You don’t look too bad yourself.” She replied. “I didn’t even know you owned a tux.”

“I’m full of surprises, love.” He countered.

“Don’t I know it.”

“Come on, I want to get some pictures.” Joyce said, holding up a camera. “Hank, come here, look at the kids!” She called into the other room.

“Oh, wait, we need these first.” Xander said, holding up a corsage. Spike and Oz got theirs out too and the girls put them on.

“OK, smile everyone.” Joyce said, snapping a picture just as Hank walked into the hallway.

“Well well well. Don’t you kids just look wonderful?” He said, giving his daughter a kiss on the cheek. “Have fun tonight, OK?” They all nodded. “And everyone’s staying at Willow’s tonight, right?”

“Yes, Mr. Summers, we’re all staying at my place.” Willow said. Her parents were out of town so the gang had decided to have a slumber party after the prom.

“We should probably get going.” Spike said, checking his watch. “It’s already started.”

“The fashionable people are always late.” Anya said. “Right, Xander.”

“Of course, honey.” Xander replied, getting raised eyebrows from Spike and Oz. “But if the fashionable people don’t leave soon, they’ll miss the entire dance.”

“Bye, sweetie, call when you want us to pick you up tomorrow, OK?” Joyce said, hugging Buffy goodbye.

“Bye mom, bye dad.” Buffy said.

“Bye Mr. Summers, bye Mrs. Summers.” The others said in chorus before they all walked out of the house. Angel and Darla were already waiting for them by the limo.

“What took so long?” Angel asked. “We’ve been waiting for, like, five minutes.”

“Sorry, picture moment.” Buffy explained and they all got in the limo.

*****

“Wow, the gym looks so different.” Willow said as the group walked into the gymnasium where the dance was held. Spike had to agree with her. There was a band and people were dancing. Against one wall a table was set up filled with punch and snacks. Something glittering covered the floor and there were balloons everywhere.

“Do you want something to drink?” Spike asked, and Buffy nodded.

“Why don’t we get a table if you guys get drinks?” She suggested, and everyone agreed.

Spike headed for the snack table along with Xander, Oz and, unfortunately, Angel. They hadn’t been able to ditch him and Darla yet. They all poured drinks for themselves and their dates, and then Angel pulled a flask from his pocket.

“What’re you doing, man?” Xander asked.

“Just living things up a little.” Angel replied, pouring a generous amount of liquid into his two glasses. “You want?”

“Are you trying to get us thrown out?” Spike asked.

“Relax, no one will notice.” Angel shrugged. “It’s just to make the girls a little more... co-operative.”

“Well, maybe you need to get your girlfriend drunk so she’ll ‘co-operate’.” Oz said, airquoting. “But we don’t want a part of it.”

“Oh, fine, be boring.” Angel said, putting the flask away and walked towards the table that the girls had found. Spike, Xander and Oz followed after exchanging a look.

*****

“Thank God we could finally shake them.” Xander said about an hour later. Angel had met some of his friends and he and Darla had joined their table instead.

“I don’t get why you don’t like him.” Anya said to her boyfriend. “He’s a nice guy.”

“Oh, I’m sorry, I guess I’m still a little hung up on the fact that he bullied me for eleven years!” Xander replied.

“But he’s a lot nicer now.” Willow said. She, Xander and Angel were all born and raised in Sunnydale, and had been going to the same school since first grade.

“That doesn’t really say much.” Spike mumbled.

“Can’t you just drop the ‘we hate Angel campain’ for tonight?” Buffy asked.

“Sorry, baby, I know you guys are friends.” Spike said.

“No, it’s OK, I don’t really like him all that much either.” Buffy admitted. “But we’re not here to talk about Angel, are we?” Everyone agreed.

“I can’t believe this might be the last time we’re all together before graduation.” Willow said, vocalizing what everyone was thinking.

“I know. It’s like the end of an era.” Xander said, getting weird looks from the others. “Well, a really short era, but still.”

“It’s not really the end though, is it?” Anya said. “I mean, we’re all going to Sunny U in the fall, we’ll still see each other.”

“But it won’t be the same!” Buffy said. “We’ll be taking different courses and stuff. At least me and Willow will be living together.” Buffy’s parents and little sister were moving back to California in August, Mr. Summers had been re-located back to the LA office, so Buffy was going to live on campus with Willow.

“I still say we should find a house that we could all live in.” Spike said. He wanted to be as close to Buffy as he could, and now they would probably live in different dorms. He was rooming with Oz while Xander and Anya had decided to keep living at home.

“But then we wouldn’t get the entire college experience.” Buffy explained. “And besides, this way we can switch if we want.” She added, leaning in to get a kiss which Spike was happy to supply.

“OK, that’s a plus.” He admitted, pulling Buffy closer to deepen the kiss, earning hemmings from their friends. Reluctantly they pulled apart and Spike glared at Xander.

“There will be plenty of time for that later.” Xander said. “Now, let’s dance!”


Sunnydale, present time


Spike started walking down the street again. They had danced for hours at the prom before heading to Willow’s where they spent the night watching old movies and eating ice cream. He still remembered every detail of that day, even seven years later. They had been happy then, before it all had come crumbling down.

Chapter seven


Sunnydale, present time


“Hey, Buffy, you ready to go?” Willow asked from the doorway to Buffy’s room.

“Yeah, just about.” Buffy said, putting the finishing touch on her make-up. “Will this do?” She asked, turning around.

“You look great.” Willow said, and Buffy put her make-up bag away. “This wouldn’t be for someone in particular, would it?” She asked.

“Of course not.” Buffy replied. “I am so over him.”

“OK, whatever you say.” Willow said, walking out of the room. “We’ll leave in five minutes.” She called from the hallway.

“OK.” Buffy called back, looking at herself in the mirror. Was she over him? Well, she was about to find out.

*****

Spike was about to leave his apartment when the phone rang. Debating with himself for a moment, he decided to answer it. It could be important. Of course, it wasn’t.

“Hello?”

“Hi, Blondie Bear!” Came a shrill voice over the line and Spike sighed.

“Harm, what do you want?” He asked. He had made it perfectly clear for Harmony weeks ago that he was no longer interested. She, however, seemed to have trouble understanding that.

“I just wanted to talk. Are we going out tomorrow?”

“No, Harm, we’re not going out tomorrow or any other night.” Spike replied. “I told you I don’t want to see you again.”

“But why?” She whined. ‘That’s one reason’ he thought to himself.

“I’m just not interested in having a relationship right now.” He decided to say.

“But why not?” Harmony insisted.

“Look, Harm, I really have to go, I’m late.” He said, checking his watch. He wasn’t late yet, but he would be if she didn’t stop yabbering.

“Late for what? A date? I knew it!”

“No, it’s not a date, just dinner with friends.” He said, adding ‘not that it’s any of your business’ in his mind.

“Oh, fine. I have to go anyway. See you soon!” Harmony said before hanging up.

“Not if I see you first.” Spike muttered to himself as he made another attempt for the door, this time succeeding.

*****

“Wow, this place hasn’t changed a bit.” Buffy said as she, Willow and Oz walked into Valentino’s.

“No, it’s still the same.” Willow said. “And the food is still amazing.”

“I remember.” Buffy said, thinking back to the night that Spike had taken her there.

“Oh my God, I’m so sorry!” Willow said, her hand flying to her mouth. “I didn’t remember.”

“It’s OK, Wils, really.” Buffy reassured, squeezing Willow’s hand.

“Come on, guys.” Oz, who had been talking to the waiter, said. “We’re the first here.” They followed the waiter to a table and sat down.

“Well, if it isn’t the Buffster.”

“Xander!” Buffy said, jumping up to give Xander and Anya hugs. “It’s so good to see you both.”

“It’s good to have you back.” Xander said.

“It’s good to be back.” Buffy replied, looking up as a shock of blonde hair entered the restaurant. She must have been staring, because Anya snapped her fingers in front of her face.

“Hello, Earth to Buffy.” She said, and Buffy tore her eyes away from her ex-boyfriend.

“Sorry.” She said, sitting back down followed by Xander and Anya.

“No, I totally get it.” Anya said, looking to where she had been staring and spotting Spike. “I never got why you to broke up anyway.”

“It was... complicated.” Buffy settled for, looking up as Spike reached the table.

“Hello all.” He greeted, his eyes lingering on Buffy for a moment. “Buffy.”

“Spike.” She responded, looking away from his piercing stare. Spike sat down and everyone turned to their menus, studying them quietly.

“Let’s order.” Willow said, breaking the silence and tension.

They waved a waiter over and everyone ordered. When the waiter left, Buffy stood up, giving Willow and Anya meaning looks.

“Come with me to the bathroom?” She asked, and Willow nodded.

“OK.” Anya said, and they both stood up.

Once inside the ladies room, Buffy leaned against the sink, inhaling deeply.

“You OK?” Willow asked, a concerned look on her face.

“I’m starting to think the whole over him thing only worked when we were on different sides of the country.” Buffy said, sighing.

“Do you want to leave?” Anya asked.

“No.” Buffy shook her head. “I need to get this over with.”

*****

“I never got why women have to go to the bathroom in groups.” Xander said as they watched the girls walk toward the restrooms.

“So they can talk about us, you nit.” Spike replied, keeping his eyes firmly on Buffy until she disappeared through the door.

“Hey, you OK?” Oz asked.

“I don’t know.” Spike admitted. “I was so sure I was over her, that it was all in the past, but seeing her... I just don’t know.”

“You never did tell us why you guys broke up.” Xander said.

“And I’m not about to.” Spike replied. “It’s personal.”

“Well, if you wanna talk about it, we’re here.” Oz offered.

“Thanks, man.” Spike said, nodding. They all looked up as the girls rejoined them.

The rest of the dinner went by well, with Spike and Buffy playing a game off ‘I watch you when you’re not watching me’. After leaving the restaurant they decided to continue the trip down memory lane with a visit to the Bronze.

The Bronze had, unless the restaurant changed quite a lot since Buffy had last been there. The atmosphere was now much more relaxed and comfortable, with a bunch of sofas in one of the corners and actual food on the menu. The group found a table in the sofa area and Xander got them all drinks. They talked for a while, until a slow song came on and Anya grabbed Xander and pulled him onto the dance floor.

“We’re gonna go dance too.” Willow said, and she and Oz got up too. Before leaving the table, Willow gave both Buffy and Spike a look that clearly said ‘talk!’.

“So...” They both said at the same time.

“You go first.” Buffy said and Spike nodded.

“How’ve you been?” He asked. “LA agree with you?”

“It did.” Buffy replied. “It wasn’t until I came back here that I realized how much I’ve missed it, though.”

“You didn’t have to leave.” Spike said.

“Yes I did.” Buffy responded. “I couldn’t really deal with everything if I stayed, so...”

“You wouldn’t have had anything to deal with if you hadn’t done it!” Spike countered.

“I think we were both responsible for what happened.” Buffy said, trying to keep calm.

“That’s not what I’m talking about and you know it.”

“Look, I wasn’t the one who left.” Buffy said. “And I don’t mean geographically.” She hurried to continue.

“And why do you think I left?” Spike asked, raising his voice slightly.

“Because you didn’t want it!” Buffy practically yelled back.

“Well at least I didn’t kill it.” Spike replied calmly and Buffy felt tears forming in her eyes.

“It wasn’t my fault.” She whispered.

“You just keep telling yourself that if it makes you feel better.” Spike said. “We both know what really happened.” He got up and walked over to the bar. When he looked back he noticed that Buffy wasn’t at the table anymore. He sat down on one of the stools, and turned when someone tapped him on the shoulder.

“What did you say to her?” Willow asked in an angry voice.

“Nothing that she didn’t already know.” He replied.

“Couldn’t you at least try to be nice to her?” Willow said before walking towards the rest rooms, pulling Anya with her on the way.

*****

“You OK sweetie?” Willow asked through the stall door. They could hear sobs from the cubicle, telling them where Buffy was.

“No.” Came her muffled response.

“Come out Buffy, please.” Anya said, and they heard the door unlock.

“It’s OK, it’ll be OK.” Willow said, pulling Buffy into a hug as soon as she opened the door.

“He said it was my fault!” She hiccupped into Willow’s shoulder.

“He said what?” Willow asked unbelievingly. “How could he say that?”

“I think I’m missing something here.” Anya said, and both Buffy and Willow nodded.

“I guess it’s time I told you what really happened back then.” Buffy said, drying her tears.


Sunnydale, 1998


Buffy opened the door when the door bell rung for the second time.

“Hi Buffy.” Willow said, giving her friend a hug hello. “What’s up?”

“I actually want to ask you for a favor.” Buffy said, letting Willow into the house.

“Sure.” Willow replied. “Your parents not home?”

“No, they’re visiting my Aunt till tomorrow, and Dawnie’s at Janice’s.” Buffy replied, leading the way up the stairs and into her room.

“So, what do you want me to do?” Willow asked, sitting down on the bed.

Buffy held up a plastic stick for Willow to see.

“Could you check the result for me? I’m too nervous.”

“Oh, sweetie.” Willow said, pulling Buffy into another hug. “Are you sure?”

“Well, no, that’s why I’m doing the test. But I’ve missed two periods now, and I’ve started throwing up in the mornings.” She gave the stick to Willow. “Could you just check it? I think I prefer the waiting, but I have to know.”

“Oh.” Willow said, looking in the tiny window.

“Oh what?” Buffy asked. “Oh good or oh bad?”

“I guess that depends on how you look at it.” Willow replied. “You’re pregnant.”

“Oh God.” Buffy said, burying her face in her hands.

“It’ll be OK, sweetie.” Willow said, rubbing Buffy’s back.

“How am I going to tell him?” Buffy asked, tears in her eyes. “What if he breaks up with me?”

“Spike loves you, he wouldn’t do that.” Willow said, hoping she was right.

*****

“Hi.” Buffy said as she opened the door for Spike.

“Hey.” He replied, giving her a kiss.

“Come on in.” Buffy stepped aside and Spike closed the door behind him.

“Is something wrong? You sounded kind of serious over the phone.” Spike said, frowning.

“I need to talk to you.” Buffy said, gesturing that they go into the living room. There she waited until Spike sat down on the couch before she chose an arm chair.

“Well, those words are never good.”

Buffy didn’t know how to tell him, so she decided that she would just say it.

“I’m pregnant.”

They were both quiet for a few minutes.

“That’s not possible.” Spike said, breaking the silence.

“Yes it is.” Buffy replied.

“But we always used protection.”

“Condom’s aren’t a hundred percent safe you know.” Buffy said, watching as Spike got up and started pacing the room. Suddenly he stopped and stared out the window.

“I can’t do this right now.” He said before leaving the room. Buffy winced when she heard the front door slam shut. With shaking hands she picked up the phone and managed to dial Willow’s number.

“Hello?”

“He just left.” Buffy felt tears running down her cheeks, but made no attempt to wipe them away.

“Buffy, is that you?” Willow asked over the line.

“He said that he couldn’t do it and just left.” Buffy cried.

“I’ll be right over, sweetie.”

Buffy was still holding the now silent phone receiver when Willow knocked on the unlocked door before walking in five minutes later. She immediately rushed over to Buffy and pulled her into a hug.

“I’m so sorry, sweetie.” She said, rocking Buffy while she cried.

“How could he just leave?” Buffy asked quietly.

“He’ll be back.” Willow said. “He just needs some time.”

“Yeah.” Buffy nodded. “Time.”

“Come on.” Willow said, pulling Buffy off the couch. “Let’s go to the video store and pick up some movies and then you and me will have a girls day, OK?” Buffy nodded and obediently followed Willow out of the house.

*****

“I don’t think I’ve ever eaten this much ice cream at once in my life.” Willow said later that night. They had watched a couple of movies and had now decided to make a slumber party out of the day. There were still no word from Spike.

“Me neither.” Buffy agreed, rubbing her stomach. “I think I’m gonna be sick.”

“I’m definitely with you there.” Willow said, struggling to get up from the couch. “Next movie?”

“Yes, please.” Buffy said. “I just gotta go to the bathroom first.”

Willow popped the tape in the video and started the movie, fast forwarding past the beginning of the tape. She paused as the movie started, waiting for Buffy to get back from the bathroom.

“I think something’s wrong.” Willow looked up at Buffy’s words. She was standing in the doorway to the living room, clutching her stomach.

“What do you mean wrong?” Willow asked, getting scared.

“With... with the, the baby. My stomach hurts.”

“Why didn’t you say something?” Willow went over and lead Buffy to the couch again.

“I thought it was just from eating too much ice cream, but then it hurt more, and when I went to the bathroom, I was bleeding.” Buffy said, a frightened look on her face. “What if something’s wrong, Willow?”

“Everything will be fine, I promise.” Willow said, reaching for the phone. “We’re gonna go to the hospital and the doctor’s will help you, OK?” Buffy nodded, leaning her head against Willow’s shoulder.

“Hi, Mr. Giles, is Spike there?” Willow asked into the phone.

“You don’t know where he is?”

“OK. No, I’ll just call later.” Willow hung up the phone. “He’s not home. His dad sais that he hadn’t been home since he came over here. I’m gonna go and see if Angel’s at home, maybe he can drive us to the hospital.”

Buffy only nodded, and Willow left the room, returning a few minutes later.

“Come on, sweetie, Angel’s gonna take us to the hospital.” Buffy let Willow lead her out of the house and to Angel’s car.

*****

“Are you Ms. Summers’ family?” A doctor asked Willow about an hour later.

“No, we’re her friends, her family’s out of town.” Willow replied, standing up from the plastic hospital chair. “Is she OK?” Angel, who was standing next to her, put a comforting arm around her shoulders. He had insisted on keeping Willow company while the doctors took care of Buffy, and Willow was grateful he was there.

“She’s gonna be just fine.” The doctor assured her. “I’m sorry to say, though, that we couldn’t save the baby.”

“Oh God.” Willow said, covering her mouth with her hand.

“She’ll be released in a little while, so you can take her home.” The doctor said.

“OK, thanks.” Willow said, slightly numb from the doctor’s words.

“Are you OK?” Angel asked after the doctor left. Willow nodded. “Did you know she was pregnant?”

“Yeah. She only found out today.” Willow said, sitting back down in the chair. “She’s gonna be devastated.”

“Shouldn’t we call Spike?” Angel questioned.

“I tried calling him before, he wasn’t home.” Willow said. “I don’t know where he is.”

“Does he know?”

“Buffy told him earlier today. He didn’t take it very well.” Willow revealed.

“Oh. He was probably just shocked.” Angel suggested.

“I guess.” Willow agreed. “Someone should try to find him, though.”

“I’ll go.” Angel offered. “You stay here with Buffy. If I find Spike, I’ll tell him to come pick you two up, otherwise I’ll come back myself.”

“OK.” Willow nodded and Angel left.

*****

“Hey, Buffy, how’re you doing?” Willow said, walking into Buffy’s room. Her friend was sitting on the bed, staring out through the window. She didn’t respond. Willow walked around the bed so she was in front of Buffy, and noticed she was crying.

“Oh, sweetie, it’ll be OK.” Willow said, enveloping Buffy in a hug.

“How will it be OK?” Buffy asked through tears. “It’s gone. My baby’s gone.” Willow just held her while she cried, letting the tears roll down her own cheeks at the same time. They were both startled when Angel cleared his throat.

“Hey. You ready to go?” He asked. Buffy nodded.

“Yeah, I wanna go home.” She said, standing up.

“You didn’t find him?” Willow asked, and Angel looked uncomfortable.

“I did find him.” He said, looking at the floor.

“Well where is he?” Willow said.

“Who are you talking about?” Buffy asked, looking from Willow to Angel.

“Angel went to try to find Spike.” Willow explained.

“Did you talk to him?” Buffy asked Angel, who nodded. “What did he say?”

“I’m sorry Buffy.” Angel said, a compassionate look on his face. “He pretty much said that he was glad, because now he wouldn’t have to worry about paying for it.”

Buffy let the words sink in. He didn’t care. He wouldn’t even see her.


Sunnydale, present time


“That son of a bitch!” Anya exclaimed. “I swear, if I could I would make all his parts fall off.”

“Thanks... I think.” Buffy said, frowning.

“And now he said that it was your fault that you had the miscarriage?” Anya asked.

“Yeah.” Buffy said, staring at herself in the mirror.

“So is that why you left for California?” Buffy nodded at Anya’s question.


Sunnydale, 1998


“Hey guys, thanks for coming.” Buffy said, letting Willow, Oz, Xander and Anya into the house.

“What’s with the group meeting?” Xander asked. “And where’s Spike?”

Buffy felt a sting to her heart at Xander’s question.

“That’s kind of why I asked you to come here.” She said, leading the way into the living room. They all sat down.

“So what did you wanna talk about, Buffy?” Willow asked.

“I’m leaving.” Buffy said, getting surprised looks from everyone.

“What do you mean you’re leaving?” Anya asked.

“I’m going back with my parents to California. My dad has talked to SU and I’ll transver to UCLA instead.” Buffy revealed.

“You won’t be going to college with us?” Willow asked and Buffy shook her head, giving Willow a pleading look.

“I’m actually leaving on Friday, I’m gonna stay with my Uncle Richard and Aunt Edna and Faith until my parents move back.” She continued.

“Friday? But that’s three days from now.” Oz said.

“I know, and I’m sorry. I just... can’t stay.”

“This wouldn’t have anything to do with the fact that Spike left for England this morning, would it?” Xander asked.

“He’s in England?” Buffy said.

“Well, not yet, but he’s on his way there.” Xander said. “He called me from the airport this morning, said he’d gotten a last minute ticket and would be back in a month.”

That was when Buffy realized that it was really over.

Chapter eight


“Hey, man, what just happened?” Xander asked, sitting down on one side of Spike, Oz taking the stool on the other side.

“Nothing. Just... I gotta go.” Spike said, sliding off the chair. He walked out of the Bronze without looking back and headed straight home.

****

“Where’d Spike go?” Willow asked as she, Buffy and Anya joined Xander and Oz at the bar.

“He took off, said he had to go.” Xander said. “What’s going on?” He continued, discovering Buffy’s red eyes.

“Oz, could you take Buffy home?” Willow asked her boyfriend, ignoring Xander’s question. “I have some bones to pick with Spike.”

“Sure.” Oz said, putting an arm around Buffy and escorting her out of the club.

“Will someone tell me what’s going on?” Xander asked.

“It’s not really my place, Xander.” Willow said. “Look, we’ll see you tomorrow, OK, Buffy can explain then.” With that, she turned and walked out of the club.

*****

Spike slammed the door to his apartment shut behind him and walked into the living room where he slumped down on the couch. What the hell had she been playing at? Did she think that he would magically have forgotten what had happened, what she had done? He would never forget that day for as long as he lived.


Sunnydale, 1998


Spike knew the moment he closed the door to Buffy’s house behind him that he had made a mistake. For a second he considered going back in, but decided that they both needed some time to calm down before they talked again.

He got into his car and pulled out from Buffy’s driveway, thinking about what she had just told him. Pregnant. A baby. His and Buffy’s baby. Would that be such a bad thing? Sure, they wouldn’t be able to live the way they had planned to, but when did plans ever work out anyway?

The more he thought about it, the more it seemed like they could do it. They could get an apartment together, he’d find a job and go to college at night. It would work out.

Spike kept driving without much of a goal or direction. After an hour and a half he found himself at the beach. He got out of the car and walked down onto the sand. Sitting down, he watched the waves move, not realizing that it was getting late.

When the sun started to set, Spike checked his watch. It had been almost five hours since he left Buffy’s house. He really needed to get back and talk to her.

The drive back to Sunnydale seemed to take forever, but finally he pulled up in front of Buffy’s house. He got out of the car and went up to the door, ringing the bell. No answer. He knocked hard a couple of times, but still nothing.

“You looking for Buffy?” Spike turned at Angel’s voice behind him.

“Yeah.” He said, not ellaborating.

“I thought you’d be at the hospital.” Angel said, getting Spike’s attention.

“Is Buffy in the hospital? Is something wrong?” He asked, feeling panic creep up on him.

“You don’t know?” Angel asked.

“Just tell me what’s going on.” Spike said between gritted teeth.

“I thought you knew.” Angel said, frowning. “She had an abortion this afternoon.”

Spike felt like the world had fallen away. She’d had an abortion? Why would she do that?

“Are... are you sure?” He asked shakily.

“I drove her and Willow there myself earlier.”” Angel replied. “I’m just on my way to pick them up, actually. You wanna go with me?”

“No.” Spike said, walking away from the house, not once looking back at Angel.


Sunnydale, present time


Spike got pulled out of his memory by a hard knock.

“What the hell is the matter with you?” Willow yelled as soon as he opened the door.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Spike said, walking back into the living room followed by a very pissed off red head.

“Oh you know exactly what I’m talking about.” Willow said. “Why would you say something like that to her?”

“It’s true, isn’t it?” He countered.

“How can you think that? It wasn’t her fault!” Willow replied.

“Of course it was, she got rid of it!” Spike yelled.

“No she didn’t!” Willow yelled back. They were both quiet for a moment, realizing what the other had said.

“What do you mean she didn’t?” Spike finally asked.

“What do you mean she did?” Willow asked back.

“I asked you first.” Spike said.

“What are you, five?” Willow questioned. Spike decided to

“She had the abortion, didn’t she?” Spike said. “Angel told me.”

“Angel told you what?” Willow said. “And you believed him?”

“Why wouldn’t I?” Spike asked. “He was there.”

“So was I.” Willow replied. “And Buffy didn’t have an abortion, she had a miscarriage.”

They were both quiet for a while before Spike broke the silence.

“You mean she...”

“She lost the baby. She didn’t kill it, she lost it.” Willow filled in for him.

“Oh God.” Spike sat down on the couch, covering his face with his hands.

“That’s one way of putting it.” Willow agreed, sitting down next to him.

“But why did she leave?” Spike asked, looking up at Willow. “I thought it was because she was feeling guilty.”

“She left because she thought that you didn’t care.” Willow replied.

“Because of what I said?” Spike said. “I was just shocked, I was coming back.”

“No, not just because of what you said.” Willow revealed. “We had a little run in with Angel too.”

“What did he say?” Spike asked angrily.

“Well, I couldn’t reach you, so I asked Angel to take me and Buffy to the hospital because she thought something was wrong with the baby. I didn’t know what else to do, and he was right there. After I talked to the doctor, he offered to try to find you and tell you what had happened. Then he came back, saying that he had talked to you and that you had said that you were glad that it was gone, so you didn’t have to pay for it.” Willow said.

“I would never say that.” Spike said quietly.

“I know, we shouldn’t have believed him.” Willow agreed. “But neither should you.”

“I have to talk to her.” Spike said, getting up from the couch.

“Now may not be the best time.” Willow said. “Buffy was pretty upset, I think she needs some time to calm down.”

“OK.” Spike surrendered.

“I’ll talk to her, tell her you want to see her, OK?” Spike nodded, and Willow gave him a hug before leaving.

Chapter nine


Oz was waiting for Willow when she got home after talking to Spike.

“How is she?” Willow asked.

“I think she’s asleep.” Oz said, giving Willow a comforting hug. “She went straight to bed when we got home.”

“She was probably exhausted. Poor thing.” Willow said.

“You seem pretty exhausted too.” Oz noticed. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“Yeah, but I shouldn’t.” Willow sighed.

“Something happened that summer, after high school, right?” Oz asked. “Buffy and Spike didn’t just break up, there was something else.”

“There was, but I really think Buffy or Spike should tell you.” Willow answered.

“OK. But if you need to talk, I’m here.” He said, and Willow smiled gratefully.

“I know, honey, and I appreciated it.” She said, giving her boyfriend a kiss. “I think I’m gonna check on Buffy and then go to bed.”

“OK. I’ll be there in a little bit.” Oz said, and Willow left the living room.

She carefully opened the door to Buffy’s room. The lights were off and Buffy was curled up in the bed. Her breathing was even, and she seemed peaceful, but Willow could still see traces of tears on her cheeks. Cursing Angel she closed the door again and went to her own bedroom.

*****

“Hey, Buffy, did you sleep OK?” Willow asked when Buffy walked into the kitchen the next morning.

“I guess. Had nightmares, though.” Buffy replied, sitting down next to Willow at the table.

“What kind?” Willow poured herself some more orange juice.

“The usual kind.” Buffy said, taking the toast Willow offered her. The two friends had discussed Buffy’s annual nightmares before, so Buffy didn’t have to explain further.

“I think that’s only normal under the circumstances.” Willow pondered. “I mean, it must have brought up some things that you had managed to more or less repress when you saw him again.”

“It sure did.” Buffy agreed.

“You haven’t asked what we talked about.” Willow said after a moment of silence.

“That’s because I’m not sure I want to know.” Buffy replied. “I don’t think I can hear him accusing me of killing our baby again, I just couldn’t take it.”

“That was... in the heat of the moment.” Willow decided to say, wanting to let Spike explained what had happened.

“It doesn’t really matter.” Buffy said. “It’s what he thinks.”

“No it’s not, not really.” Willow tried to convince her friend. “I think you two need to talk again.”

“Because that went so well last time.” Buffy said sarcastically. “Now, what we need is to stay as far away from each other as possible. All we do is hurt each other.”

Willow viewed her friend for a moment. She had been hurt so bad because of what some jerk had done. It wasn’t fair. Buffy and Spike deserved a second chance, it was obvious that they still had feelings for each other. Willow decided that everything was allowed when it came to love. If she needed to lie to her best friend to help her be happy, then she would.

“OK. When you go back to LA you’ll never have to see him again.” She said. “But at least let him apologize, he feels really bad.”

“OK, fine. I’ll go over there this afternoon.” Buffy surrendered.

“Great.” Willow said, smiling inwardly.

*****

Buffy had been standing in front of Spike’s door for at least ten minutes before she finally got up the courage to knock. She heard movements from the apartment before the door swung open. Spike looked as bad as she felt.

“Hey.” He greeted, stepping aside to let her in.

“Hi.” She said, walking past him into the hallway. “Willow said you wanted to talk to me.”

“Yeah, I do.” He said. “Let’s sit down in the living room.” He lead the way into a spacious room, furnished with a sofa, two armchairs and a home entertainment set. Buffy sat down in one of the armchairs, not wanting to be too close to him. Spike took a seat on the couch.

“OK, talk.” Buffy said, wanting to get out of there as soon as possible. Even if she was mad at him, he still had some kind of hold on her.

“I know I upset you last night, saying... what I said.” He said. “And I’m sorry.”

“OK.” Buffy said.

“Do you forgive me?” He asked.

“I didn’t say that.” Buffy replied. “I need some time, I can’t forgive you just like that.”

“OK, I get that.” Spike nodded. “But I think I need to explain why I said that.”

“No, you really don’t.” Buffy said. “I get it.”

“I don’t think you do.” Spike said, and something in his eyes made Buffy believe him.

“OK, explain away.” She leaned back in the armchair, pulling her feet up under her body.

“That day, the day you told me... I made a mistake.” He started.

“You could say that.” Buffy mumbled.

“I was shocked, but that doesn’t excuse it. I shouldn’t have left, and I realized that almost before I did. But I figured I’d give both of us some time to calm down before talking to you again. I was coming back.”

“But you didn’t.” Buffy said.

“Yes, I did.” Spike continued. “But you weren’t there. I was about to go and try to find you when Angel showed up.”

“He told you what happened, and you felt relieved.” Buffy stated.

“No, he didn’t. He told me something else.” Spike revealed.

“What do you mean?” Buffy asked.

“I mean that Angel lied to me. Just like he lied to you when he said that I’d said... those things.” Spike couldn’t say the words, it still hurt too much.

“He lied?” Buffy tried to grasp the concept.

“Yes. He told me that you had decided to have an abortion.”

“What? How could he say that?” Buffy asked in disbelief.

“I don’t know why he did it, but I can guess. He had been waiting for an opportunity to break us up, and now he had one.” Spike said, his voice full of loathing. “But then you left Sunnydale, and his plan backfired.”

“Oh, God, I’m so sorry.” Buffy said, squeezing her eyes shut.

“About what?” Spike asked, moving closer and taking one of Buffy’s hands in his.

“Believing him.” Buffy said, looking at him with tears in her eyes. “I should have talked to you, even after what he said. It just hurt so much, I couldn’t.”

“It’s not your fault, pet.” Spike reassured her, making Buffy smile at the use of her old nickname. “If anyone’s to blame, it’s me. If I hadn’t left, then maybe you wouldn’t have...”

“No!” Buffy cut him off. “Don’t say that, it wasn’t your fault.”

“But if I hadn’t upset you, it might not have happened.” Spike said.

“And it might have happened any way. We’ll never know, OK?” Buffy insisted. “I played that game for weeks after the miscarriage, and it doesn’t lead to any good. The doctor explained that sometimes those things just happened. It wasn’t meant to be.”

“I still should have talked to you.” Spike said. “Maybe if we had talked, we would have been able to work it out.”

“We also might have been able to work it out if I hadn’t gone back to California.” Buffy countered. “We’re both to blame here, and there’s no point in trying to out-guilt each other.”

“Do you think we could try to start over?” Spike asked, hurriedly adding. “Just as friends.”

“I’d like that.” Buffy said, smiling.

“OK. Friends.” Spike said, rubbing little circles on the top of Buffy’s hand with his thumb.

“Yeah, friends.” Buffy agreed, unable to tear her eyes away from Spike’s blue ones.

Before either of them could think, their lips met in a kiss that soon deepened. Spike pulled on Buffy’s hand and she moved to straddle him on the couch, her jeans skirt riding up above her knees. Buffy moaned as Spike slipped his hands under her top and caressed her back and sides before he gently palmed her breasts through her bra.

“God I’ve missed you.” Spike mumbled, trailing kisses down Buffy’s neck.

“Missed you too.” Buffy replied, tilting her head to the side to give him better access.

“Love you, never stopped.” Spike reached for the hem of Buffy’s top and pulled it over her head.

“Love you too, so much.” Buffy started to unbutton Spike’s shirt, and he unhooked her bra, letting it drop to the floor long with the top.

Buffy was finally able to get his shirt off, and it joined the other clothes on the floor. She started working on his belt, and he helped her get it off. When she had thrown the belt to the side, Spike reached up and pulled her down for another kiss. Their tongues met and battled while their hands rediscovered the other’s body.

“Need you.” Buffy moaned into the kiss before she unzipped Spike’s pants. He pulled her skirt up and over her head before pushing her panties to the side and sliding one, then another, finger inside her. “No, need you now.” She protested, and Spike willingly obliged. He lifted her up a little and she reached down to position him at her entrance before slowly sliding down on him.

Their eyes remained locked together as they both adjusted to the familiar yet new sensations. When the tension became too much, Buffy used her knees to rise up a little before pushing back down and they soon picked up a slow rhythm. After only a few minutes, they both tensed up before falling over the edge together, having been apart too long to wait any longer.

Buffy collapsed against Spike on the couch, breathing fast. He buried his face against her neck, revelling in the feeling of having her so close once again. They remained like that for a little while, until Buffy started noticing their surroundings. There were four windows in the room, and although they were on the fourth floor, people could still see into the room from the other apartment buildings.

“Maybe we should move this somewhere a little more private?” She suggested, and Spike nodded. Buffy made to move off Spike’s lap, but he held her in place, standing up with her in his arms.

“Don’t think you’re getting away that easy.” He teased.

“I wasn’t trying to.” Buffy teased back, wrapping her legs around his waist.

“Good, cause I don’t plan on letting you go anytime soon.” He said, more seriously this time.

“And I don’t wanna be let go of.” She replied, leaning down to kiss him lightly, but the kiss quickly turned heated.

Spike abandoned the plan of getting to the bedroom for the moment, and settled for the wall in the hallway. He pressed Buffy against it so he was able to let go of his hold on her to pay more attention to other parts. When he found her breasts, she moaned into his mouth.

Buffy could feel him hardening again, still inside her, and she squeezed him with her inner muscles, getting the response she wanted when he groaned and abandoned her mouth. Instead, he covered one of her breasts, kissing and licking.

Buffy blindly reached behind her for something to hold on to, but found nothing so she grabbed onto Spike’s shoulders.

Spike was fully aroused now, and pulled almost all the way out before plunging back in, causing Buffy to gasp and dig her fingers into his shoulders. He picked up a fast pace, going harder and deeper with every thrust, and soon Buffy was shivering around him in orgasm. Her release pulled him over the edge too, and he spilled inside her.

“Bed, please.” Buffy mumbled, and Spike nodded, again taking aim on the bedroom, this time actually making it. They tumbled down on the bed, still joined together. Spike rolled them so he was underneath, and Buffy nestled closer to him.

“Tired?” Spike asked, and she hummed yes. “Wanna get some sleep?”

“Don’t wanna move.” She replied.

“We’re gonna have to move eventually.” He chuckled.

“OK, but not for a long time.” She said.

“Not for a long time.” He agreed, running his hands up and down her back. Realizing something, he froze. “We didn’t use any protection.”

“I’m safe, and covered.” Buffy said, lifting her head to look at him. “You?”

“I’m clear.” He replied, sighing relieved.

“Would it have been so bad if...” She didn’t finish the sentence, but he knew what she meant.

“No, that’s not what I meant.” He said, realizing it was true. “I love you more than anything in the world.”

“I love you too.” She replied, laying her head back on his chest.

“Always.”