PULSE

By Mercy

A/N Thanks to Kirsty, Kar, Mel and Darcy for their input beta reading and help...and great friendship

Shattered

The screaming of the sirens from the ambulances could be heard for miles around the major trauma hospital. A gas leak had exploded half of Main Street, into the pits of hell, and what was left was so charred; that anything that once drew breath would need dental records to confirm their identity. The survivor’s from the accident were being ferried into Sunnydale General, triaged and sent onto larger hospitals to be treated if they couldn’t cope with the horrific injuries.

Caught up in this chaotic mess, was a young intern fresh out of med school, her eye’s wide with shock and disbelief in the anarchy that surrounded her. ER doctors and nurses ran around her in disarray trying to cope with the patients as they lay in gurneys, beds, and mattress on the floor. The cries and howls of pain, ricocheted from the walls of the hospital’s Emergency Room and straight into her ear canal, piercing any train of thought she had. All the young intern could think of was running away, as she surveyed the floor of the E.R., as the door’s to the ambulance bay opened with yet another load of incoming wounded, the young intern bolted.


The intern’s feet carried her into the dark shaded alleyway, which divided the main hospital, and the next building. She found herself a corner to hide in just for a minute, just to take a break from the horror around her, as she could only escape for a little while, the people inside and her colleagues needed her. Taking a deep breath and a sigh of relief, she couldn’t help but scrunch her nose, as her lung’s filled with cigarette smoke, as a tall shadow moved closer towards her. Trying to pull herself deeper into the void of the corner of the alley, she couldn’t help but notice the navy scrubs that the intruder was wearing, indicating that he was a registered nurse. As her eyes followed the navy scrubs, the next thing that struck her was his hair. The bright platinum blondness of it and the contrasting dark eyebrows that lay just above his blue within blue eyes, deepened by the dark colour of his uniform.

She’d seen him around the hospital at times, but never really paid much attention to him before, she’d been to busy trying to keep up with the Consultant she was assigned too, with all the work that was dumped on her by her Registrar and the rest of the nursing staff. She vaguely recalled that he worked on the 8th floor Medical Ward, and a few other places if need be, she also remembered the other nurses trying to get his attention, all but in vein, he never really took much interest in them. He seemed to keep them at arm’s length, and would kindly disentangle himself if necessary.


Not that it mattered much to Buffy at this moment in time, the anguish of the horror she had just been a witness, was screwing around with her brain, and numbing her senses. She just couldn’t bring herself to feel anymore, it was too difficult and draining to think.


She just wanted to feel...


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He’d seen her in the darkened corner of the alley, he himself sometimes used to sneak out for a fag, when he was meant to be on the floor. Quickly he identified her as one of the new interns that had started a few weeks ago, and was still ‘wet behind the ears’. He didn’t know her name, but he knew she was a quiet woman, who knew her job, and could handle herself. Well usually, by the look of her he doubted that she was today, in the horror of the E.R.. He’d been helping out in the department, from his usual assignment as they were desperate for help, and another set of hands was always welcome.

He could see her physically shake in shock at what was going around her, he slowly moved up to her, quietly so as not to scare her off. With a flick of his wrist he threw the butt of his cigarette away, stood a few feet away from her, he could see the pain and dullness that lay in her eyes. With a concerned look in his eyes, he quietly asked her, “Are you alright luv?”


With out even hesitating between blinking her eyelids, Buffy vaulted herself into his torso, as she grabbed him in a tight embrace, dragging him deeper into the alleyway. Slowing down, she rested her back against the cold stone masonite of the wall, and pulled him still into a tighter and deeper embrace. She roughly grabbed his face and drew his lips down to hers for a deep penetrating kiss. He didn’t resist the plunging of her tongue deep into the recesses of his mouth, as she ran her tongue along his, tasting his inner flesh. Caught up in the heat of the moment, he returned the exploration of her mouth with his own. They swirled around each other making the dance deeper, and more pleasurable.

Buffy withdrew on of her hand, and ran it down his back until it reached the band of his trousers of his scrubs. Leaning back deeper against the wall, she slipped her hand around to the front of the waistband. With out hesitation she cupped the obvious hardening flesh in her hand; she gently squeezed it in her palm, flattening her hand against it, as it rose in response. Running her hand up and down against it, encouraging it to harden even further.

Spike pulled his head away from the kiss they shared as he gasped, at the pleasure he felt rising within himself, and at the shock of her forwardness. Looking at the naked desire that had flooded into her eye’s he couldn’t help the loss of the containment of his yearning. He slammed her further into the wall, which increased the pressure of her hand against his cock. He engaged her once again in the kiss they had been sharing, as he slipped his hand between them, running it against the white coat she wore, pulling it from the rest of her clothing, down her skirt, until he reached the hem, and began pulling it up.

The fabric, began to rise up high against her thigh, until it reached her waistband, pushing his hand along it, until he reached her midline, he stopped as soon as he could feel the soft texture of her panties. He pulled his head away again, to watch her reaction as he placed his and over mound. He could feel the moisture that had already penetrated the fabric, she was soaked through. Continuing his journey, he ran a single digit along her slit covered by her panties, stopping any direct contact with her flesh. Buffy arched her head against the stone wall behind her, as he watched her she took small shallow gaps of pleasure, and he heard the quiet ‘please’ that came from her lips.


Running his hand back to the front of her again, his hand slipped in between the fabric and her flesh, as he tugged her panties down past her hips, letting them float down to her calves. With the barrier gone, he slipped his hand in between her folds, targeting her clit, he swirled his finger around it, feeling the skin tighten and rise in response, as all her blood raced to the centre of her pleasure. All her nerve endings began to fire in response to his touch, sending wave upon wave of pleasure into her being, she could feel her inner muscles begin to clamp against themselves in even deeper response. Her mind disconnected from the reality of the world around her, as she escaped in her world of pleasure, that she was discovering herself in.

Encouraged by her response to his caress, he moved further down into her inner recess, as he slipped a finger in and around her inner muscles, that were now clamping against themselves. Stroking the muscles, and driven deeper within them by the moisture that flooded around his finger. He was spurned on by her obvious pleasure, he inserted another finger to tease her. Pushing in as deeply as he could, only to discover more flesh to strum, he replaced his finger on her clit with his thumb, as he swirled it around her flesh, in time with the pulling motion of his fingers, as he moved them all over her inner flesh, not leaving a centimetre untouched.


Even caught in the high that he was giving her, she returned the given pleasure. Even though the look on her face, and soft cries of ‘please’ drew him deeper into what they were experiencing. She returned the soft strokes he was giving her, with her own. As she found the ties that held his scrubs to his lean hips, she pulled onto one of them until it gave way, and released the tension holding them up. She pulled the fabric down that covered his straining flesh, allowing it to burst forth, and stand against his scrub shirt. With a gentle hand, she felt the length of the ridged flesh against her hand, as she moved up the shaft to the head. Swirling her fingertips against the tip, she applied enough pressure to make him grasp, as she grazed a single fingernail across the tip, backwards and forwards, trying to concentrate enough as not to cause pleasure, not pain. She encased the width of him in her palm, and enclosed her fingers around him, as she began to run her hand up and down his shaft, in time with his own movements of his fingers within her flesh.


As Spike increased his pressure that he applied to her inner walls, Buffy slide her foot against his calf, and inner thigh, once she’d managed to get one leg out of her panties, until it rested on his hip. Opening herself up to his fingers, it allowed the angle of penetration to be deeper, which he took full advantage of, and immersed her deeper into the abyss they had created around themselves. Nothing existed except for the two of them, caught in the metal storm of their pleasure, as they abandoned themselves to it.


Spike could feel the increased pressure of her inner muscles as she stood over the edge, ready to let herself go. Encouraged by her flesh, he increased his pace and force of his touch, he could feel the moisture flood her as her body prepared itself for release.

“Come for me Luv.” Spike spoke quietly, “Come for me.”


Triggered by his words, she let herself go, as her muscles contracted within the frenzy he’d created, the spiralling waves of pleasure fired along her neurons, and exploded within her mind. Her abdominal muscles rippled and clench in response to her orgasm, as her muscle clamped over his fingers. She lost herself within those seconds of pure bliss, she felt it embrace her over the horror she had been holding onto within the E.R..

With a swift withdrawal of his hand, he braced her buttocks with his hands, raised her and slammed her down over his cock. Her muscles constricted even tighter around his length, as they continued to pulse within her orgasm. A look of shock filled her face, she was so caught in with the moment, that she hadn’t expected to find herself impaled along his length. Reality made its self-known to her, as the realization that she’d just abandoned everything that she was in this alley. This was something that she never would have done.

Fucking a virtual stranger in an alley.

A panic look filled Spike’s eyes as he watched all of this play out on her face, as their flesh joined them so intimately. He blinked quickly, and took some pressure away from her buttocks, as if ready to let her down. Despite her look of shock, Buffy didn’t want to let go of this oasis yet. She tightened her hold around his neck, as she began to leaver herself along his flesh, making slow and shallow gyrations of her hips, as she moved over him. She rode him so the very tip of him hit her cervix every time she moved downwards, it spiralled along her inner flesh as she rotated over him.

Spike could only watch her face, as she moved above him. The look of wonderment filled his face, as he saw her look of pleasure and contentment return, that had lay there a few minutes ago. She moved her hips in such a fashion that he could feel every inch of her, every contraction of her internal muscles, as she clutched and squeezed them together, giving him a sense of heightened pleasure. He began to thrust the best he could, considering the position they were in, he couldn’t get enough of her. With controlled movements of his hips, he slammed into her with hard deep thrusts, hitting the right spots within her walls, stimulating each nerve ending that he could find, spiralling her deeper into her bliss.

“So..nguh..fucking..good…nugh…so fucking…tight,” Spike slowed his thrusts down with each word he said, dragging out the time between each delicious dive into her, as he slide between her moist flesh.


“Please..” Buffy stumbled to find the words.


“Please what baby?” Spike looked into her eyes filled with yearning. “Please fuck me harder?” Spike returned to his hard quick lunges of flesh into hers. “Please fuck me slower?” He slowed down the propelling of his hips, as he slightly rotated them to spiral his cock along her inner walls. “Please make me come?” Spike changed tactics, and pushed her back as deeply as he could against the wall, leaving her front of her lower body exposed to him. He quickly moved his right hand into the exposed fleshed, separating the folds, and targeted her clit with his thumb, rubbing the sensitive flesh with the pad of his finger. Watched as she jerked with each pass of his thumb over the sensitive flesh, and the spasmodic clamping of her muscles around his cock.


Still wanting answer from her, he withdrew his hand from giving her anymore pleasure, thrusting himself deep inside of her and just stood still. The look of desperation on her face reflected how close she was to letting herself come, and the loss of her imamate pleasure. She tried to grind herself over his shaft to give herself some relief from the frustration that enveloped her, but he would have none of that. He gripped her hips with his hand, and held her still as he pushed himself even deeper within her, trapping her within the confines of his body. “Tell me,” Spike asked again, “Please what?”


“Bastard!”


“Bastard I maybe, but I’m the one you’re fucking sweetheart! That’s so tightly buried within you, that I can feel every bit of your sweet flesh around me, begging for release!” Showing what he meant but shallowing thrusting inside her, teasing her with a bit of paradise, and she knew it.


Buffy replied to his motions with sharp short intakes of breath, but it wasn’t enough, she wanted release and she wanted it now. She craved it, to feel the total liberation of herself, even if just for a few minutes, she could taste it, she craved it. So she gave him what he wanted.

“Make me come.”


“Little girl needs to say the magic word!”

Arching her away from him again, he returned his thumb back where it once lay and slowly stroked her clit again and in time with his words, “Ask me nicely and say the magic word.” With each stroke, he brought her closer to the edge, as he continued with the slow motion of his hips that slide him in and out of her body. Her muscle began their frantic clamouring around him, shooting wave of pleasure up his spine, drawing himself even closer to the edge.

Buffy watched as he clenched his teeth, as he struggled for control himself, his deep cheekbones twitched and she could feel him tighten his hold on her with his hands. He himself was close but not close enough, she could only guess how long he could drag this out, and prolong her pleasure. The idea that he could was so erotic that it pulled her even closer to the edge of the abyss that awaited her, but was denied too her by this man.


It was too much. She gave in to it.


“Please make me come.”


Her words triggered off something inside of him that released itself within him, as he shoved her against the wall, and began slamming into her in quick deep thrusts, as he returned his nimble hands back to her clit to make her journey to release quicker and more pleasurable for her. Releasing his hold on her, Buffy allowed herself to match him thrust for thrust, angling herself to take advantage of a more pleasurable angle, and apply pressure against the friction he was creating with his finger upon her clit. Sending shock wave after shockwave through her body, as it demanded to have release and reach it’s own nirvana.

Spike watched as her need for release peaked as he watched her approach the oncoming onslaught of her orgasm. He could feel her inner muscles contract and clamp over his flesh, and her moisture seep between them they began to collide against each other. He could feel himself loose the battle to hold himself back, to make sure that she attended her pleasure first, he increased the pressure he was applying to her body, both in his thrusts, and friction of his hand.

“Please baby…come for me..let go…”Spike whispered at her, as he watched her face distort in ecstasy, “Let yourself feel it.”

His words were enough to trigger her orgasm, spiralling her into the abyss she’d been seeking, the need to feel something, her desire swelled even deeper as she surrendered herself to the beckoning of her need. As the pleasure flooded every cell, triggered every neuron, she was granted peace for just a few moments, as the only thing that filled her mind was the blinding release she was experiencing blocking out everything else, even the man that gave her that pleasure.

He didn’t miss a beat of it, as he allowed himself the release he’d granted her, he watched as she allowed the moment of passion to take over her, and deny him the pleasure of knowing that she was focused on him as he came. That he was just the instrument that had brought her the solace she wanted, just a thing, his body gained it’s pleasure as he released himself with her flesh. Yet that was all he was granted, the physical released that he attained, he gained nothing but corporeal release. It was what is was, a fuck, pure and simple but he found it lacking, and in someway insulting that she couldn’t even share her final pleasure with him.


She’d locked him out.


Letting her legs, down he moved away from her, not looking at her, not even once as he pulled his cloths back together, tying his scrub pants, he could hear her deep slow breaths, but still he wouldn’t look at her. Taking out his cigarettes, he lit some and took a deep breath, letting the smoke fill his lungs, and flood the air around him as he exhaled. With some deep regret, he looked at her, as he turned around, and began walking out of the alley, not stopping or looking back.

Buffy watched as he returned to the shadows from which he’d come from, she closed her eyes as the first wave of regret hit her, and continued down to her very soul.

“I’m sorry.” He never heard her silent whisper, as it was drowned out by the sirens that still screamed around her.

PULSE

Chapter Two

Reflection

Three weeks later…

Buffy sat with the other interns, as they sat in a group waiting to find out where their next term would take them. She really wasn’t listening to the Senior Registrar, as she told them what a ‘great group they were and how exciting their next term would be’. All she could think about was the day in the alley with the platinum blonde; it was unavoidable. As the Senior Registrar had ranted on for half an hour, about the great job they’d done with the victims. The only thing she really remembered about it was the guilt, shame, and the undeniable pleasure she’d gotten from him. Yet, the guilt and shame overruled everything else from that day, she felt horrified that she’d done something so out of character. She couldn’t deny the moments of ecstasy that the virtual stranger had given her. It filled her dreams at night and started an undeniable hunger and taste for more.

It was a yearning for more of the forbidden and the danger of being with someone she didn’t really know, and the ability to release something inside of her she never really knew existed in her. The combination to find escape, mixed with that danger had been so hedonistic, and so foreign to her. It had fuelled the fire that had burned between them, and she would be lying to herself if she denied the fact she wanted to taste it again.

With him.

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He’d seen her a few times within the grounds of the hospital, or he’d catch a glimpse of her around a corridor, she would always just be out of reach, too far away for her to see him. So many times he wanted to talk to her, make sure she was ok since that day, make her look at him, see him, and most of all acknowledge him. He’d felt used that day like a thing, she may have well asked ‘where do the batteries go’, as far as he was concerned, but he still couldn’t deny the fact that he wanted to see her again. Make her look into his eyes as he gave her pleasure, make her scream his name, watch him as he came, and know who was fucking her. The feelings and thoughts he was feeling were so primitive and he’d never felt such a need for anyone. It made him want to seek her out, and make her acknowledge the passion that had burned between them, until she’d blocked him out.

There was more to it than a quick fuck, he wanted acknowledgment from her, and the more he thought about it the more he craved it. The internal conflict raged within him, the primitive inside of him just wanted to take her and receive all the pleasure he could from her body. The other side of him wanted to experience the pleasure of her knowing it was he who gave her that bliss, and wanted more from him than just a quick fuck in an alley.

The primitive was a man that lived along time ago, and the more rational man came from what he’d become here and now. He had a past that would make most people cringe away from him; he’d lived the hard life on the wrong side of the tracks when he was growing up, in the poorest side of town with an abusive father, and a frail, brutalised mother. From a young boy, he learnt to use his fists to protect himself as best he could from his over bearing father, and cocoon himself away from others so they would never have guessed that he was anything except the person he portrayed himself to be. He emanated from the man he’d learnt to be now, upstanding in his line of work, and a respectable member of the community that he served.

Something attracted him back to her, despite the way she’d treated him, her cry for release from the chaos around her had sparked something deep within him, and so he’d given into her need that day. The spark of need had turned into something deeper within him and it demanded to be quenched of its thirst for more.

More of her.


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Buffy was embarrassed to admit it, but she never heard where her next assignment was going to be. She had to sit and wait until the meeting was over, and the assignments would be posted on the Intern’s Noticeboard which she watched the senior registrar do. Trying not to look too silly, she walked over and glanced along the list until she found her name. No one heard the soft swear word that came from her mouth as she realised her new assignment, Dr Karen Childs. Dr Childs was a highly regarded physician, and it would be an excellent term from a learning point of view. Except the fact that half of her patients are on the eight floor; the medical wing to be exact. Karma was giving her a swift kick in the butt.

Buffy felt sick to the stomach, she could feel the anticipation rise through her flesh of seeing him again, and the dread that flooded through her at having to face him. She couldn’t really see a way out of it, the chance of finding someone to swap with would be impossible. The chances were so slim, that she knew not to even bother; she’d just have to face him, and hope for the best. Moving away from where she stood, she made her way to the phone on the opposite wall and paged Dr Childs' registrar, waiting for her to call back and arrange the usual ‘meet and greet’ thing.

As soon as she put the phone down, it rang back within seconds, the registrar was on the line, and within a few minutes, she’d set up the meeting in a half an hour. Taking a deep breath, she took off in hunt for a woman’s bathroom to freshen up and give her time to clear her head. Making herself presentable, she went to the assigned meeting place, the nurses’ lounge on the eight floor. Sticking her head inside, it was thankfully deserted, she entered and sat herself down on one of the sofas in the room, looking at her watch she had about 10 minutes until the appointed time.

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Luckily, her meeting with Dr Childs, and her team had gone well, they all seemed happy to have her on board and had encouraged her to be an active member of the team. So active that Dr Childs encouraged her to go and meet all the patients, examine and report to her in the morning. Buffy had taken a large sigh of relief at the request; usually they would have you doing all the horrible work that needed catching up on the first day. She did exactly what they requested of her, Buffy began her way around the hospital visiting all of Dr Childs’ patients, all those not on the eight floor, everyone else but them.

Not being able to put it off for much longer at 1900hrs (7 pm), she took the elevator up to the eighth floor, and walked along the corridors until she stood out front of the ward. Looking through the glass doors that separated the ward from the main corridor, she couldn’t see anyone on the floor, it looked deserted, even though she could hear the conversations of people through the glass, and the ‘pings’ of machinery. She was very exhausted and she felt like she’d bitten off more than she could chew. She pulled the glass door open, letting herself into the ward, and made her way to the nurses’ station and the patient notes.

She kept her eye open for him, but never saw him, relieved that he must be off duty, she never saw him sitting with a patient in one of the private rooms, giving one on one care to a critical patient waiting for a bed in ICU. Even though she didn’t see him, he definitely heard her voice as she spoke to the nursing staff about Dr Childs' patients on the ward. A smirk filled his face, as he learnt that her new assignment would be with one of the wards consultants, and that she would be spending plenty of time on the ward in the future.


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Buffy had finally spoken with the last patient at 2130 hrs (9.30pm), glancing at her watch she noticed the time, as she slipped the notes back into the metal rack that held them. She lifted her head in time, to catch the platinum blonde standing on the corridor side of the nurses’ station just watching her, looking her over as she unconsciously brushed her hair away from her face. Finally, his gaze came to meet hers, she watched from behind the nurses’ desk as he said his goodbyes and walked out the ward.


Trying not to look to suspect, she quickly made her pleasantries to the nursing staff and started after him, it was time that she finished this silly obsession she had with him. She watched as he walked to the staircase and took the flight of stairs up, not down, that was the last thing she expected because it wasn’t the way out. If she remembered correctly the ninth and tenth floor of the building were closed, not used for anything besides storage. The small hospital didn’t generate enough funds for it to be viable to be open, so it was closed, and no one ever went up there. Well anyone but him it would appear, she hung back for as long as she could so that she wouldn’t catch his attention.

Tracking behind him, she watched him leave the staircase on the tenth floor, and shut the exit door behind him. Trying to be as quiet as she could, she opened the door and spied him walking down the corridor and turning left. Checking that no one else was around she quickly scampered down the corridor to the corner which he turned down, she watched him walk down another corridor and turn into a smaller hallway. She followed his every step, down to the small hallway where she lost him, or thought she had. With a swift glance around the hall, Buffy spotted one of the doors swinging slightly on its hinges.

It had a long narrow piece of glass in it to peer through to the room beyond. She looked the best she could through it, and saw only an empty physical therapy room, full of equipment and mirrors encasing every wall and a wooden rail running along it . Yet there was no sign of him, just the empty room. Not convinced that it was empty Buffy opened the door, and peered in. Still not happy, she slipped in through the door, and looked around, she used the mirrors to scan the room, but still she couldn’t see him.

She turned to walk out, only to literally throw herself into him. As she slammed into his torso, he grabbed her to help steady herself. She gasped at the shock of him grabbing her, she didn’t resist the tight grip that he had on her, his hands were bruising as they held onto her. His gaze was vacant and piercing, he gave nothing of what he was thinking or feeling away. Buffy felt a slight shudder down her spine as he finally softened his hold on her, the grip he held her with definitely made one thing clear for her. He wasn’t ready to let her go. Not yet anyway.

“So we meet again luv.” Spike muscles in his face clenched, “or are you just stalkin’ me?”

“No,” she said it so quietly, as she tried to untangle herself gently from his hands, but he would have none of it. “Please!”

“Now I’ve heard that one before.” Spike pulled her further into the room despite her placid resistance. “Little girl got her manners finally?”

Buffy could feel the hairs on her back of her neck rise, not in fear but anticipation, as he voice became gravely and low pitched. His gaze held something that she’d seen once before but only for a fleeting second. That second was just before she locked him out as they fucked each other in the alleyway. She swallowed hard, she couldn’t decide whether to stay or run as fast as she could. A hot burning sensation flood her body as she remembered every touch, kiss and thrust, searing her to the spot as she could feel her arousal grip her like a vice. Yet the fear of what exactly he had planned for her, caused her to slightly shudder, as she remembered the look on his face so full of regret, after they’d finished, well she may have been finished then, but he hadn’t. She’d left him not satisfied, she'd known that.

He pulled her further into the room, until he stopped her in the far corner of the room, where two mirrored walls met and they reflected onto each other. He walked her back until her spine rested on the rail, taking her two hands he out stretched them and placed them onto the wood of the bar. He pulled a few strands of hair away from her face, as he caressed her jaw and pulled them behind her ear. “I’m not going make you do anything you don’t want to.” Spike pulled her coat down her arms. “Just tell me you don’t want it. Tell me to stop.” He lifted one hand then the other as he took her coat off, he ran his hands slowly up her arm, dragging the tips of his fingers over her skin, and she could feel the slight grazing of his short nails, as they passed over her nerve endings, her flesh tingling as he made his way up her arm. “Tell me you don’t love this!”

He slid the palms of his hand down her waist until they reached her waistband of the trousers that she wore; he slipped his thumb into the back of the waistband and ran it along the length of it. Stopping at the snap he pulled at it until the fabric gave way, and separated, he watched her every reaction as she gasped for breathe, standing before him bewildered at what he was doing to her. She didn’t fight him or tell him to ‘stop’, she brought one of her hands off the bar, and raised it to his shoulder. In response, his hand quickly shot out, capturing her forearm, and returned her hand to the bar. “Don’t touch!”

She squinted in confusion at his order and removed her hand from his person. So it was hands off for her and to make sure he didn’t stop she did as he asked, she tightened her hands on the rail. She turned her head slightly to the mirrored wall opposite her; she watched his reflection, as his hand undid her zip down and pulled the fabric of her trousers over her hips, letting them fall to the ground. He ran a hand down from her waist to her hips, through to her inner thigh to her knee and back up to her thigh, slipping a thumb into the side of her knickers. He locked his eyes with hers to watch her reaction as his hand pulled onto the other side of her knickers, except this time he slid down onto his knees taking her underwear with him. With out any hesitation, he lifted one foot at a time, and removed the two garments and her shoes from her body. “Open yourself to me.”

With a slight nudge of his hand on her knees, she moved her legs apart, opening herself to him. He watched as he slid his hands up from her ankles to her knees, as she gasped for breath, and from knees to upper thighs as she bite down on her lower lip, distending the soft skin as she beared her teeth. Spike felt the slight sway of her hips as he slipped his fingers between her moist folds, tracing her flesh’s natural curve as she moved in response to his caress. He watched her bend her neck backwards, breaking the visual connection they’d had as he stimulated the tender flesh under his fingers, watching her as she closed her eyes and crunched her face in need. “Open your eyes.”

She snapped her neck back, and looked down at him, he stopped the flowing motion of his hand and lightly grinded his thumb into her now throbbing clit. With the pads of his fingers he drew small tight circles around nub, tantalising the bundled nerve ending, sending tingling sensations along each one, making goose bumps appear over her body, as she reacted to the sensations he was creating. He would break her heights of dizziness by scrapping the flesh with his nail, causing a distraction as a flash of heat shuddered through her. Spike watched as he touched her inner flesh with his free hand, watched as her breathing increased, her face become flushed and her muscles clenching around the two fingers he used to caress her with. He massaged the walls within as she in response increased her sway and depth of the gyration of her hips. Unable to help herself she tore away her hands away from the bar and grabbed his shoulders as she grinded herself over his hand, her need for this fuelled her desire for more.

Breaking his gaze with her, he grabbed her hips to stop her movements as he pushed her folds part and applied his mouth to her intimate flesh. He gently teased her clit with his tongue with small licks and light suction, making the nerve ending fire faster and more intensely. In time with the motion of his mouth, he moved his fingers in and out of her canal; he could feel her slickness increase with every second that passed. Buffy opened herself to the pleasure that he was giving her, she groaned with each change of speed that he applied to her body.

Her body tightened as her pleasure increased, and her need to find release came within the reach of the nirvana he offered her. Yet something held her back, the guilt that she felt about the alleyway, refused to allow her to reach orgasm, she was caught up in the prison it was encasing her in. Making a silent promise to herself, she refused to be shackled to any guilt and let herself go, screaming as she came. She ran a hand through his hair as she came, gently pulling on his hair as she felt the muscles in herself contract and spasm, on and around this man on his knees before her.

As she came down from her high, she let her tight grip on him go and took hold of the bar once again behind her to steady herself. Buffy watched as he got off his haunches from the floor and looked at her still partly dressed body, as he took in all of the things he never saw when they’d been in the alley. Remembering her promise, she took the initiative removing her shirt and bra, as he watched taking in every inch he could as he licked his lips and tasted her. She returned the favour looking at him, and his obvious arousal that bulged through his scrub pants, she moved herself a little closer to him. Buffy pulled at the ties of the scrubs, pulling out the waistband so that they would drop when she let the fabric go. She pulled the scrub shirt off as his pants fell to the floor of the room; Buffy threw the shirt across the room, not really caring where it landed.

She leaned in to kiss him, but he pulled his head back avoiding her, not sure of what to do or how to react, she ran a hand down his wash board abs, and down to his straining cock. Taking her hands, she encircled it as she ran her fingers up and down its length, applying the tiniest amount of friction. She heard the grunt that escaped his lips as she tightened her grip on his cock, and increased the speed of her jerking hands. Buffy watched him look down from where she touched him, to lock gazes with her, and turn his head to watch what she was doing to him in the mirror that was surrounding them.

The words that made up the promise that she made to herself, and in away too him, came flooding back to her. Most of it consisted of making sure that she allowed him the pleasure of being a part of all it, even if it was just another fuck…or whatever this was, To give as much pleasure as she could to him, making up for the way she treated him before. With this in mind she was the one this time to get down on her knees in front of him to pay tribute back to him. With him still clasped in her hands, she brought his rigid length to her lips, where she licked the head with just the tip of her tongue, teasing him as he had her, in small bursts over and over again. There was no rhythm to it, she would increase or decrease the time and exposure of flesh on flesh every time; it was a different experience with each stroke.

“Please.” Spike spoke the words with a quiet gravely voice, she could hear the gasp of breath that came out with each syllable he said. “Please luv…more…please.” Buffy remembered the words that he’d made her said the first time they did this. He made her swallow her pride and say the words that he wanted her to say, before he would give her release.

“Please more what?” Buffy said as she continued to place small licks along his cock. “Please do it harder?” Buffy took him back into her mouth, and as she slid him within, she increased the suction she applied to his flesh. As she grazed it softly with her teeth and repeated this until he grasped his hands in her hair to slow her movements, to savour in what she was doing to him. Taking advantage of this, Buffy replaced her teeth with her tongue as she travel along the length of the stiff flesh, tracing the ridges and veins that protruded through his erection. “Please do it slower?”

Spikes’ answer was a guttural grunt, and a loud “fuck”, as he bent over and motioned for her to stand up again, which she complied with immediately. Taking hold of her waist, he turned her around so that she stood facing the mirrored wall, and he returned her hands to where this all started, on the handrail that surrounded the room. Still holding onto her waist, he took a small step backwards, making her back arch out, and stood behind her. Buffy felt a slight shudder pass through her whether it came from desire or apprehension she didn’t know.

Grasping her hips within his hands, he pushed his cock long her using her wetness to help him glide over her flesh, until he came to her clit, rubbing himself over her nub for added simulation, and to show her what was to come. She watched the reflection of him, pulling her closer to his hips, as he took his erection within his hand and placed it at her entrance, just slipping the head in he stopped. He put his hand back onto her hips, and slowly rotated his hips, so that the head teased only a few inches of her inner walls, denying the rest of her the sensation. “Look at me,” Spike spoke to her, to which Buffy immediately caught his gaze in the mirror. “Don’t look away! Not even for a second! Watch us!”

Buffy watched as he pushed himself finally all the way into her body, filling every centimetre of her being, and the pressure of feeling him inside of her was exquisite. Slow thrusts only increased the pressure that she felt and was drawn out by the grinding motion of his hips that changed the angle of penetration, stroke after stroke. Spike pulled at her hips, as she pushed against him, seeking more of him with every thrust of hers against his. Pulling himself up behind her back, he changed the thrusts too hard deep thrusts that hit against her cervix, and deep within her core. He did this without breaking eye contact with her once; he saw every flame of desire reflected in her eyes, cast back at him through the mirror she stood in front of.

“Say my name,” Spike painfully grabbed her hips increasing the pressure he applied, “say it!”

“Oh god!” was all she could reply with.

“Say it!” Spike spoke between each grunt that came from his lips as he slammed into her, “I want to know that you know who you’re fucking! Not a thing! Not a walking talking vibrator! Say my name, Buffy!”

Buffy was absolutely taken back by his words, even though each word sprung true, and what made it worse was that he had her so worked up, that she found it hard to remember his name. She tried in vain to remember, she owed him that at least, and she didn’t want it appearing that every word he said was true…that she didn’t know who she’d fucked in an alley and whose cock was penetrated deep within her. She looked at him, as he stared at her with his blue within blue eyes; his gaze began to burn with anger, as he waited for her answer.

“You don’t know, do you!?!” Spike slammed into her harder, his fingers biting into her cheeks of her bottom. “You don’t know whose fucking you, do you little girl?”

“Yes.” Buffy tried to answer him between the hard thrusts that left her speechless, “Yes, I know who you are! You’re the man that gave me a refugee when I needed one! The man that helped me forget!”

“No! I’m the man you used to fuck you in that alleyway!”

“No! I know who you are!” Buffy screamed at him. He stopped his punishing thrusts as she said her words, “I know who you are!”

“Then say it!”

With a gentle rocking motion, she moved herself upon him, trying to ease some of the tension from him. She placed a hand on his hip, holding him to her as she looked him straight in the eye. “I’m with you! I’m with you, Spike.” With her reply, he exploded into a harsh and fast motion as he once again began to slam into her. He let his hand move down to her clit, as he pulled it between his fingers, encouraging her to move one-step closer to coming.

“Come with me baby, come.” Spike whispered in her ear, it was the total opposite approach to her that he had a few minutes earlier. She could only guess, that he was satisfied that she knew whom she was with, and who was doing those things delicious things to her. It was what she needed to hear, as she relaxed enough to allow herself to go into the abyss, as she embraced her orgasm. Her muscles clenched and contracted around his cock, sending pulsating rhythms along it, triggering his own orgasm as he felt himself tighten and exploded within her. Spike looked away from her finally after holding her gaze for so long.

“At least you know who fucked you that day.” Spike pulled out of her, and stood back looking at her vulnerable stanch, he picked up his scrub shirt and put it back on, and found his pants and put them on. “And fucked you today!”

“Spike?” The look on her face expressed her concern at the point he was trying to get across. “I know it was you.”


“Well if you didn’t then…you certainly do now!” Spike tied his pants and slipped his shoes back on, he turned and walked out the door he didn’t look back as he said the words that truly devastated her.

“Thanks Luv! Its’ been a fun fuck! We must do it again sometime.” This time he did turn around, “And don’t be a stranger luv!”

“You bastard!” followed him out the door.

24/24 (means 24hr nursing care in medical jargon, ie one on one care)

Three days later…

Behind the nurses’ desk, Buffy worked on the medicine charts, recharting medications for Dr. Childs’ patients, it was a tedious job but one she wanted to get done quickly before lunch. It was already 1300hrs (1.00 pm) and she was starving, her stomach had already growled at her today in protest. It was bad enough that she wasn’t getting enough sleep, and now she wasn’t getting enough to eat. The sleep could be explained as he haunted her mind in the darkness. He would bring her so close each night to nirvana but either the dream would end abruptly as she awoke, him fading away or worse would be he would refuse to let her come dragging out her pleasure until she awoke from the frustration.

Food was being withheld as she tried to do everything she could for Dr. Childs’ patients on the eighth floor so that she could either not have to come back all day, or just return for the short periods when the nurses needed her. Buffy knew he was on afternoon shift, as he had his two days off and hadn’t been on this morning, and she still couldn’t face him or come to terms with what had happened between them and the things that she had allowed him to do to her. Every delicious thing that he had done to her was still marred with darkness and it recked with bleakness. It also had done something to Buffy, that she had yet to fully accept or understand, but she had deep desire to embrace it over and over again as stupid as that sounded.

Her thoughts had shielded her from the commotion that was going on around the nurses’ station, many of the people who sat behind the desk had become quiet and looked shocked. Buffy’s ears tried to listen in on the conversation that was going on between the two women that sat directly opposite her. She could make out words like, ‘overtime’, ‘accident’, ‘hurt bad’, ‘bike’, and ‘time off’, but what made her drop the chart that she held was ‘William’. Buffy could feel the bile rise to her throat as she pieced the words together and bent down to pick up the chart She made eye contact with one of the nurses that sat opposite her. The nurse looked at her with an odd expression, and got out of her chair making her way out from the nurses’ station. She looked at Buffy over her shoulder and motioned her with her hand to follow her as she disappeared into a private room.

Buffy looked around her to make sure that no one was watching as she put the chart back into the metal stand and left the nurses station. She tried to look as nonchalant as she could as she made her way into the room to where the woman waited for her. The nurse stood over an elderly lady that slept, and pulled the bed covers over her that seemed to have slipped off, she turned after completing the task. Her nametag caught her eye, the letters formed the name ‘Kirsty’ on it, as the woman came over to where Buffy stood and passed her as she shut the door.

“This really isn’t the place to have this conversation, but Mrs. Bateman won’t mind she’s as deaf as a post and sleeps like the dead.” Kirsty shook her head, “Oops I shouldn’t say that either, but she’s a sweetie.”

“Does she need anything?” Buffy made her way over to the sleeping woman. “I don’t remember her being on rounds today? Is she a new patient of Dr. Childs?”

“No, she’s Dr. McGuigan’s.” Kirsty looked at Buffy with a slight scowl. “She’s not the reason that I got you in here.”

“Then what is?”

“William.”

Buffy went quiet for a minute, she didn’t really now what to say to the nurse. “What about him?”

“I saw you.”

Buffy’s mouth opened in shock, this woman had seen her and Spike having sex in the physical therapy room, just the thought that someone was watching them made the blood drain from her face. She could only wonder if she heard the exchange of words that had flown bitterly between them afterwards. “What do you mean saw us? What did you see?”

Kirsty scrunched her face up as she digested what Dr. Summers had just said to her, and it dawned on her rather quickly what she meant or what she thought that Buffy was implying what she might have seen. The nurse smirked and smiled at the petite woman in front of her. At least it would make the next part of their conversation easy and she wouldn’t have to interrogate the young doctor about her relationship with William.

“What I saw, Dr. Summers was you following quickly behind William the other night up towards the staircase to the upper floors that no one uses.” Kirsty let out a little laugh as she continued. “So I think it safe to assume that you didn’t go up there to see any patients,” she watched as Buffy went a shade of red that filled her face. “What you do is your own business and no one else’s, but this is important and I can see that no one has told you, or you won’t be here.”

“Umm, sorry Kirsty, but you’ve lost me?”

“It’s Will, his been in an accident today, he came off his bike coming to work. I don’t know how badly his been hurt but he’s down in the E.R., so I think that you better get down there.”

“But…but you don’t...”

“But nothing Dr. Summers, I’ll tell Karen when she gets here that you’re downstairs with your man.”

“He’s...”

“Enough Buffy! Just get your ass down there! Karen will understand.”

Buffy turned, opened the door and left the room leaving behind a very mistaken nurse with her patient, but she could still feel a strong pull to go downstairs and make sure that he was all right. As crazy as it seemed to seek out the man that had caused such animosity within herself, it drove her to the edge of insanity but she couldn’t stop herself. Taking the elevator down to the E.R., she continued to chide herself about her decision to go and see him, but she couldn’t stop each foot-step or swing of her body, as she made her way to her destination.


~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~


“I want to go home!” Spike argued with the After Hours nursing manager that was trying to tell him that he was being admitted for observation.

“William you need to be here and you know it! You have no one to care for you at home, and make sure you’re okay. Therefore, you stay!”

“I’ll be all right! No broken bones or concussion. I was wearing my helmet, so no brain injury and you know it!” Spike continued to argue with her. “I’ll be fine, got a good neighbour next door. She’ll come over and make sure that I’m all right.”

“I’m sure that she will!” the manager smiled a little. “But not good enough, you need someone with you 24 hours and no arguing!”

“Look it was just a simple accident! The idiot didn’t see me and just knocked me over when I was stationary, only real damage was to the bike.” A soft laughter came from behind the curtain that surrounded the patient and nurse manager. “Laugh it up!” Spike grunted in disgust at someone laughing at his predicament.

With a swift motion of her hand, Buffy swung the curtain that hid her to reveal her presence to the two. Spike looked slightly shocked to see her standing there, which quickly flickered over his face and then disappeared just as fast. It was replaced by a hardened face, which stretched so much that you could see the muscles twitch in his cheeks, and his jugular vein pop up with his rise in blood pressure. Buffy looked from Spike to the nursing manger, she slightly shrugged her shoulders, rolled her eyes and frowned a little, with a ‘what’s his problem’ look in her eyes. “Constantly Spike! You always provide such entertainment!”

“What do you want?” Spike virtually spat at her.

“Well that’s a loaded question if I ever heard one!” Buffy smiled at the nursing managers blushing face. “What did you do? Dent another car?”

“Who the fu...” Spike stopped himself before he swore in front of his manager.

“Spike!” Buffy tried to cover his little outburst, realising that maybe this wasn’t such a good idea. “Please!”

“Well, looks like you too have some things to talk about. I’ll just leave now.” The managers’ discomfort was clear for both of them to see. “William let me know what happens okay, and don’t forget to get those insurance papers filled out so that you’ll get paid.”

“Sure. Thanks.” Simple and straight to the point, he didn’t even look at the retreating woman, he only held Buffy in his stare, if it was possible she’d be pinned to the wall with daggers. When she was out of hearing range he started on her. “What do you want? Wait don’t answer that! I know, but sorry sweetheart, looks like I’m out of commission so you’ll have to get your jollies elsewhere. They say that Ben’s worth a try, but hang on he’s a doctor, and you doctors only like to bag the nurses don’t you?”

“Spike!”

“At least you remember the name.” Spike looked away, she finally was free of his intense gaze and able to have a real look at him. He looked even paler against the white linen of the sheets that lay above and below him, he’d never tan with that classic English skin, but still he looked dreadful. The white gown wasn’t doing much for his fashion sense as well, Buffy let out a little laugh. “Will you stop with the laughing?”

“Did the big bad man hurt himself?” Buffy couldn’t help herself.

“Look shows over just go back to whatever you doing and stop annoying me!”

“Sorry! I just wanted to make sure you were okay! The story was you got hurt really bad, and I’m sorry for having a millisecond of human concern for you!” Buffy was really pissed off and turned away as she started to walk away from him. She was quickly stopped by one of the on duty E.R. registrars that had been attending Spike that shift, Buffy tried to side step him, but the doctor put up one of his hands and stopped her.

“Buffy what are you doing here? Aren’t you meant to be looking after Childs’ patients?” The registrar asked as he looked over the young woman with a look that Spike didn’t like, it was one of those ‘here for my pleasure only’ looks, one that he’d never like to see in a man.

“Yes Dr. Hepburn, but Spike’s…”

“Nothing, Dr. Summers, you have no reason to be down here. Mr. Devine or is that Sister Devine is not under Dr. Childs care?” The doctor’s sarcasm was thick and laced with indignation towards the man that lay on the gurney as he openly leered at her. “So can I suggest you go about your business and leave the real doctoring to us down here, and maybe if your good, when you come down for your rotation I’ll take real good care of you.”

“She doesn’t need ‘real good care’ mate!” Spike started to get out of the gurney despite the pain he felt, “I can guarantee that she gets satisfied every time. So fuck off you git!”

“Spike!” Buffy spoke in a quiet voice her concern and fear. “He’s not worth it!”

“Who do you think you are Devine!”

“Please Spike! He’s not worth it!” Buffy warned again.

“I’ll make you sorry Devine!” Hepburn threatened him.

“You and whose army?” Spike swung his legs over the gurney, despite Buffy attempts to stop him.

“I’m sure…” Hepburn was interrupted by the nurse manager that had been watching the whole scene. Everyone knew that Hepburn was a problem and she could see the situation was getting out of control. The last thing she wanted was a punch up in the E.R., especially between two staff members.

“Well Dr. Summers, I’ve spoken with Human Resource and considering the situation that you and your young man finds yourselves in, I’ve managed to get your shifts covered for the rest of the week.” It was a lie but worth it, she’d have to pull in some big favours and owe some people big time, but it was worth the small price to see that weasel Hepburn go down, even once. “So come on you two love birds go home, get him to bed with lots of spoilage, lots of fluids and no whoopee!”

Spike watched as Buffy went a bright red, but she didn’t dare contradict the nurse manager or she could only imagine the crap she’d get from Hepburn in the future. Even though she had an inkling that this wasn’t the last time that she’d be having trouble from him. Buffy knew by instinct that she’d rather deal with an irate Spike, than a man like Hepburn. Strangely enough, she genuinely trusted the platinum blonde he’d never forced himself on her or did anything to her that she hadn’t let him do in the depths of the darkest moments they’d shared. What could he do to her?

Buffy watched a very defeated Hepburn get the message and leave the two standing by the gurney ready to restrain the man that sat on it. Spike looked like he wanted to tear Hepburn into small bits and as painfully as possible. They were all glad to see the back of the doctor as he retreated further into the depths of the E.R.

“Okay kiddies you two get to ‘Go and collect $200’, so don’t waste it. Dr. Summers take your patient home please and make sure he goes straight to bed. I’m sure that I don’t have to tell you what you have to do?”

“No, and thanks for the rescue.” Buffy spoke quietly to the nurse as she too retreated into the administration area of the E.R.

“Don’t I get one, Luv?”

“One what?”

“Thanks for being a gentleman and defending your honour?”

“You wish!”

“Such a polite thing that you are cutie,” Spike pulled himself up and leaned into her until he could whisper into her ear, “but then again we know you can say please. It would be a great pleasure of mine to teach you ‘thank you’.”

Buffy pulled back and looked at him like she wanted to rip of his head, and shove it down his throat; she was seething. The look on her face reflected the response he expected from his sharp tongue, but within the satisfaction of knowing he touched a raw nerve he knew that it was uncalled for, and maybe he was the ‘bastard’ she loved to call him. The damn woman had the ability to draw out the gentlemen and git from him, which was something that no one had been able to do for a long time, it made it exhilarating and barmy at the same time. Not to mention down right bloody confusing. At least one thing was true in this whole situation: she was satisfied every time.

A short time later, a clerk had brought his discharge papers for him and told the ‘couple’ that they could go. Stuck with the job it would appear of taking him home, she paged Dr. Childs before she left, and explained the situation as best she could to her boss, leaving out some important things and telling some white lies. Well, white lies that would get her out of here and the rest of the day off if she could swing it. Coming back to him, she pulled the curtains around the gurney and waited for him to dress.


~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Slowly she walked him from her car and up the front stairs to a two-story house that was on the nice side of town, and not something she would expect him to live in. She really had expected a townhouse or an apartment, not a family home and it just showed her that looks could be deceiving. A shudder flashed through her body as she considered that is was what it really was, a family home. Had she done the most unimaginable thing possible to her and slept with a married man? Had he knowingly as a married man slept with her?



He was leaning on her shoulders as he slowly hobbled up towards the house, took the keys out of what remained of his leather jacket and let them in. The house was neat and clean, she could smell the beeswax from the wooden staircase that was in main hallway of the house. She could just make out the kitchen with the dinning room and living room coming directly off the hallway. Buffy looked for signs of someone else in the house but could find none; she still stood in the hallway as Spike moved into the living room and sat down.

“You can come in, I won’t bite.” Spike turned his head a little and said more to himself, “If you ask nicely I will.”

“God, you sound like an animal!”

“Well, Dr. Summers, such a response from a highly regarded member of the hospital.”

“Fine, Spike, whatever! You’re home! I’m done! Have a nice life!” Buffy turned to exit the house.

“Hey! Wait a minute!” Spike yelled at her. “Where are you going?”

“What does it look like, Spike? Need me to draw or write it out for you, or is the obvious one foot in front of the other hint enough?” Buffy started to walk out. “Buffy. Door. Open. Leave. Now. Or does the five words or less description do it for you?”

“Hey, you promised to keep an eye on me!” Spike ran a hand down his chest, “Help look after me, and if I remember you agreed to give 24 hour care lovingly to ‘your man’.”

Remembering the nurse managers words, and that she had by not saying anything to contradict her, agreed to take him home and make sure that he lived the next few days. Buffy paused, she wasn’t sure if he was more at risk from dying from a hit on the head from falling of the bike. Or her taking a baseball bat to his head, pleading insanity from listening to his witty comments.

“That’s right I promised to make sure that you went straight to bed when you got home,” Buffy tried as hard as she could to make it as seductive as she could, two could play at this game. “With lots of spoilage.”

Buffy closing the door that she now stood before, she walked into the living room and helped him to his feet. Buffy hid a snicker as he suddenly became like a helpless puppy and wanted her help to walk, once again he wrapped his arm around her as they made their way upstairs under Spikes’ directions to the master bedroom. She helped him sit down on the bed but quickly turned around as he pulled his dirty scrub shirt from his body, he could sense her slight withdrawal. “That’s right, you and your blushing eyes!”

“Blushing eyes? I don’t know what on earth you’re going on about!” Buffy stumbled out her sentence.

“You get this really slight reddish tinge to your skin and you cast your eyes down for just a second when you get embarrassed. It’s rather cute,” Spike spoke to her back. “But there’s no need to hide, Luv, you’ve seen the goods anyway?” Buffy heard the further rustle of fabric as he removed his pants and the bed covers move as he climbed in under them.

She finally turned at this point to see him sitting against the headboard of the bed; she reluctantly came and sat down on the other side of the bed, wondering again how she got herself in this mess. Yet she’d promised that she’d look after him, so that’s what she’d do, and she’d do it as annoyingly as possible. “Look Spike, let’s just get this over and done with okay, and I’ll let you have a nice sleep, okay?”

“But Luv….” Spike started to protest.

“Spike enough!” Buffy leaned over and looked into his eyes making sure that they were of equal size, she really wished she had a torch then she could have shone it for a bit longer than she usually did and give him a little pay back. “Any headache, blurry vision, nausea, auras, pain in the ass or other personality disorders than what you don’t already have, Spike?”

“Oui!! The only pain in the ass I have is in front of me!” Spike laughed at her comments, at least she gave as good as she got, something that he didn’t think she had the strength too, or maybe he was seeing something in her that he’d never seen. Spike had seen desperation, desire, need and lust in her eyes but never this. This was something very new; she actually had some ‘backbone’.

“In that case I’ll extract the pain in the ass to downstairs to make the ass a cup of coffee and get something to eat. Hungry?”

“No.”

“No? You’re not nauseated are you?” Buffy asked with a great concern.

“No, sweetie, just not hungry. Go.” Spike titled his head towards the door.

“Alright, but if you need me or want anything just call out?”

“’Need and want. Do you really want the answer to that?”

“Another promise to your boss was no whoopee!” With that, Buffy walked out of the room and headed downstairs to satisfy at least one hunger.

PULSE

Thanks to Kar for an edit...thanks sweetie
Please review!!! FEED ME!!! FEED ME!!!

Sleep

Buffy sat in the living room of Spike’s house watching the television to pass the time, nothing really holding her interest. She moved from the screen to the magazine that she’d found in the kitchen. Who would have guessed by the title that he’d be interested in cooking, but then again she didn’t know anything about the man that lay upstairs sleeping. The only things she did know was that he had a vivid imagination, rode a bike and apparently like to cook, which she also discovered when she’d made herself some lunch and found a ton of cookbooks. She could visualize him in the kitchen making dinner, one thing that she could never do was cook and she knew she could burn boiling water.

Throwing down the magazine she decide that it was time to check on her patient upstairs. Walking into hallway she noticed the time and thought it would be be a good idea to wake him up. Stopping in front of his bedroom door, she knocked on the wood to see if he was already awake. With no answer she pushed it open to see his sleeping form. The sheet lay draped over his hips, barely covering his groin; his left arm lay under his neck and right hand draped over his tight abdominal ridges that formed his stomach. Buffy took in every inch of the male that lay prone before her, each breath he took became exaggerate in her mind, as she focused on the raise and fall his chest. His abdominal muscles tighten and release as his diaphragm moved up and down, his fingers curled into a fist and inflicted memories of where they’d touched her body, and the hunger he’d unleased in her.

She was so caught up in her own thoughts and fantasy that she never saw his eyes open just a millimetre. She watched as his fingers uncurled and slowly run up his chest to his face, her eyes following every motion and inch of pale skin it travelled until they meet his own gaze. She quickly looked away in embarrassment and surprise at being caught ogling his body so openly, she could feel the heat in her cheeks rise.

“Don’t look away pet. Don’t you like what you see?” He spoke with a cool tone. “Don’t be embarrassed in being attracted to my body, Luv.”

“So sure of yourself, Spike?” Buffy spoke quietly.

“Only where you’re concerned, Luv. “

Buffy heard the rustling of sheets as she still looked away from him, she heard the muffled foot steps on the carpet but still didn’t back away from the doorframe. He came to stand in front of her, pulling her chin gently in his direction and made her look into his eyes that seemed to burn with a deep blue ring as his iris dilated. He leaned into her until she stood flat against the doorframe and his body covered hers, he ran a single finger along her bottom lip.

“I’m sure that you crave me just as much as I crave you. You’re like an addiction I don’t want to get rid of,” Spike ran his finger down her chin, neck and rested just where her blouse parted. “Maybe you could help relieve my withdrawal, Doctor.”

“Spike,” she breathed the words out. “You…you should be resting.”

She could only stand there as his hands roamed her body until they both came to rest on her buttocks, he clasped the flesh between his hands and squeezed as he pulled her closer. He watched her face contorting in unresolved tension and her short sharp intakes of breath as he started to grind her hips into hers. He let one of her cheeks go as he brought his hand to sit on her hips for a second before trailing it around to her front and resting it on her mound. He grasped the crotch of her pants and rubbed the fabric into his hand, her breath became a hiss as he continued to increase the pressure he applied and worked his hand in a circular motion.

Taking hold of her belt that she wore he pulled her into the depths of the room and slipped back onto the bed until he sat with his back on the headboard. Spike looked at her like she was his prey as he pulled the sheet from around him and threw it from the bed. With a single finger he motioned a come hither and patted the bed with his other had.

“Time to choose sweetheart. Retreat or come to my bed?” Spike spoke to his with a voice filled with desire. Buffy stood still, struck with such a force that riveted her to the spot where she stood. “Well?”

“I…”

“It’s simple Luv, turn and walk out or strip and come to bed.” Spike mouth opened slightly as he ran his tongue over his teeth and curled it above his palate. “I much prefer the bed option, Buffy, but it’s your choice.” He ran his hand down his body, “I’d prefer your company but if you don’t want to then no pressure. I’ll just see to the problem myself.”

His frankness about what he wanted made her insides shiver, she could feel the room close around them and encase the fire that burned between them. No one had every been so forward with her about their desire for her, not that she had that many men to compare him to, but she couldn’t deny the fact that he’d opened a side to her sexually that had remained hidden and untapped. It frightened and stimulated her at the same time; one thing that she knew was this man knew how to make sure she understood what he wanted from her. His sexually aggression was a turn on, and she could feel the forbidden desire she’d denied herself lie within her, wanting to be released.

With a slight uncertainty she began to undo her blouse that sat on her shoulders, she continued to watch him as she pulled the shirt from her body and slid it down her shoulders. He shifted slightly on the bed as she removed her belt and undid the button that held her waistband together, she watched as he grasped his erection in his hand and began slow pumps with his hand. She immediately felt her internal temperature rise and her heart race at his open sexuality; she pulled the zipper down and let her trousers pool at her feet. Leaving her standing before him in a matching black bra and panties, she looked down at her underwear and wished she’d worn something more attractive than the sports set she wore.

“I don’t care what you’re wearing, Luv, it could be a sack cloth for all I give a damn. It’s what’s underneath I want to see. Your pretty breasts and pussy is all I care about.” He moved forward slightly, “Come to me.”

She moved one foot in front of the other until she stood at the side of the bed; she shyly moved her knee onto the bed but stopped herself from getting onto it. Spike pulled himself into a kneeling position directly in front of her as he ran a hand along her knee tracing her inner thigh until he came to her panties. He pushed the fabric aside and slid his thumb and forefinger into the junction of her legs. He let his thumb skim over her clit and his finger glide into the tip of the opening to her vagina. He didn’t move an inch of flesh against hers, his hand just rested where it lay, he watched her bite her lip in anticipation of his next move. He held his hand steady as she was saturated and just a hint of movement would extract the fire that began to glow within her, and he wasn’t ready for that to happen just yet.

“Take of your bra.”

Buffy’s hand moved to the front clasp of her bra and pulled the snap apart, she slid the fabric away from her breasts, and down her shoulders until it fell to the ground of it’s own accord. Spike flicked his thumb extracting a hiss of breath from her, he felt the muscles with her quim tighten with it, he had never seen such a response before and it heightened his own desire, but still he wasn’t ready to rush into the night.

“Do you want me to taste your pretty breasts?” Spike leaned his head down in the direction of her bust. “Do you want me to suckle on them, scrape them with my teeth and sooth your nipples with my tongue, Buffy?”

Buffy could only nod her head in reply she was so lost in the eroticness of his words and the tone of his voice. She placed her hand on the back of his head, entwining her fingers within his locks and pulled him even more forward towards her breasts. He resisted the pressure she was placing on his head and leant forward and licked her collarbone instead, he felt her shiver and sway her hips. Her nerve endings lighted the fire in her clit and make her rotate her hips harder over his hand that virtually held her upright.

“Ask me Buffy,” Spike trailed his tongue along her collarbone and onto her shoulders. “Tell me what you want me to do to you.”

Buffy still couldn’t speak through the haze that filled her mind, his words just penetrated through to her neurons that fired from the delicious feelings he was creating with his hand. He watched as she threw her head back from the pleasure she was experiencing, he stilled his movements as she increased the thrust of her body on his hand.

“Buffy?” Spike nipped her lightly on her shoulder and finally got her attention. “Ask me to do all the things you want from me.”

“I want…” she tried to form the words but they refused to come.

“Are you shy to ask for your pleasure?”

“Yes,” her reply was softly spoken and her shyness written on her face.

“Don’t be. You don’t have to be shy with me Buffy. Tell me what you want. It gives me pleasure to know you are experiencing the same thing that I am, and that you like what I’m doing to you.”

Spike pulled her down for a kiss as he opened her mouth with his tongue, rubbing her lips with the moist flesh of his own. Swirling around the soft tissue that lay within, brushing along her teeth and teasing her soft palate with light strokes of his tongue. He lightly began massaging her left breast with his fingertips, pulling at her nipple as it peaked under his hand, and strumming her clit with his other hand. He felt her arch away from him in response to his touch and pulling back to receive more of it. With some reluctance he leaned back onto his haunches and looked at the woman before him, her body tight with passionate fire and her eyes glazed in fervour.

“Take off your panties, Buffy.” Spike told her. Buffy slowly withdrew the fabric from her hips and slid them slowly down her hips, kicking them away. Moving back further onto the bed, he made room for her as she climbed onto the mattress. “Lie down.” She quickly moved into the centre of the bed and lay down with her hands at her side. “Bend your knees.” Spike moved to the end of the bed as she lifted her feet and rested her ankles against the back of her thighs, he placed both of his hands on her ankles, lifting them until she was open to him and rested them on the mattress. Leaning over her he grasped her hands within his own, and brought them just above her pubic bone, “Open yourself to me.”

Buffy looked at him unsure of what he wanted and shocked by his requested, never had she been so open with another human being or so vulnerable to their sight. She gently pulled the skin where her hand rested on her pubic bone; she could see his jaw twitch as the muscle tightened. Not waiting for her to adapt and respond to the look in his eye of wanting he spoke, “More.” She slid her fingers down further and pulled the lips of her vulva apart, he didn’t miss her sharp intake of breath at this daring behaviour. It excited and heightened her pleasure at this new electrifying territory she’d never been in before.

He lowered his torso never breaking eye contact with her as he rested his hands on her inner thighs and ran his tongue over his lips as he bent his head towards her slit. He ran his tongue along the ridges of her vulva, never touching her clit, he would come in so teasingly close and then quickly dart out. She knew what he wanted her to do, what he wanted to hear. Buffy knew that she would never be released from this constant denial of any further pleasure until she gave into him.

“Please Spike!” Buffy begged him; she pulled at his hair in frustration.

“Please what, kitten?”

“Please… I want...please?” Buffy pulled at his hair again until he lifted his head from his task. “Please Spike! Just tell me what you want to hear? Please!”

“What do you want, Buffy? Just say it the best you can.” Spike looked at the desperation in her eyes. “Anything, Buffy! Don’t be embarrassed to say what you want to say.”

“Pleasetouchmycliterouswithyourtounge” Buffy blurted out as quickly as she could.

“Buffy, I want to hear it in English and slowly!” Spike moved his thumb back to her clit and slowly circulating it around her nub, increasing the already building pressure. “Don’t be so clinical, Luv. This isn’t an exam, so relax.”

Taking a slow deep breath she gathered all her courage and asked him for what she wanted him to do to her. “I want to feel your mouth and tongue on my…you know.”

“Say it,” Spike flicked his thumb over her nub again, “Buffy.”

“My clitoris! Now! Please!” Buffy pushed his head down towards her lower body again, and sighed with relief as he presumed to do as she asked. Spike felt the rush of pleasure in his body in getting her to verbalise her needs, even though it wasn’t exactly what he wanted her to say but it was a beginning.

He finally granted her desire as he alternated between circling the engorged flesh with his tongue and suckling on it like a nipple. He varied the suction as he tantalised her flesh and sent her nerve ending firing as he teemed her with bliss from what he was doing. He finally looked at her head thrown back onto the pillow as she experienced what he was doing to her. He saw her hands pull on the sheet under her, as he stroked her. Wanting to give her more and not wanting to wait for her to ask for more, he inserted another finger into her inner flesh making her rear herself off of the mattress that she lay on.

In time with his mouth he licked her nub, he pulsated his fingers in and out of her. He increased the depth that he penetrated her with each stroke, at times rotating his fingers to stroke every inch of available flesh he could find. Buffy let go of the sheet she’d anchored herself onto and reared up again, she began pushing her hips against his hand as he thrust it in and out of her mimicking the moment she truly desired, his flesh penetrating her own. Spike curled his fingertips within her until he heard her breath stop and her body shudder, he increased the pressure he was placing on her clit with his mouth, and concentrated on stroking her most sensitive spot within her wet flesh.

He pulled away from her again looking at her body flowing with heat and fervour, she lifted her head slightly from the pillow to share with him what she was experiencing, the reflection of want, need and desire flashed through her eyes. “Do you like what I’m doing to you, Buffy?” She could only nod her head as he ran his hand over clit; she let go of one side and placed it over his hand that stroked her applying more pressure to hand. “Say it sweetheart, tell me how much you’re enjoying this.”

“I...oh god…so good...Spike so good.” With her reply he bent his head back to her clit and placed her hand back exactly where it had come from.

He felt her inner muscles grapple and contract against his fingers, squeezing every second of pleasure from what they shared. With a sense of urgency to make her come, he inserted another finger, increasing the pressure he placed inside her compelling her muscles to contract harder against him. He easily manipulate the flesh as she flooded with more moisture making the strokes of his touch easier and his ability to manoeuvre his way around inside her flesh, that optimised her pleasure.

“Come…let go...I want to see you come.” Spike lift his head away for a second, as he applied his other hands thumb to her clit, grazing the sensitive flesh with his nail, causing a wave of pleasure sheering through her and throwing her into orgasm. He heard her short and heavy pants as the ripples of bliss raced through her body, her scream of pleasure as it penetrated her brain. He slowed down his movements as she stopped her downward thrust on his hand; he pulled out his fingers from her body and as she watched placed his hand on his cock. He covered every inch of it from the tip to the base; he looked at her as he pumped his flesh between his hands as he returned to sit on his haunches once again.

Buffy pulled herself up into a sitting position in front of him, and leaned over to touch him, but he stopped her approach. Instead pushed her back onto the bed, and motioned her to lay on her side facing away from him, Spike moved behind her so that his front was to her back, he pulled her head back for another devastating kiss of another kind.

“Bend your knee,” was the simple command he gave and she did it with out question. He kissed the back of her shoulder and left a trail along her spinal cord as she again descended down her body, until he reached the cheeks of her bottom. He once again moved to sit on his haunches as he straddled her right leg, and held the bent left leg’s ankle within his hand. “Do you want too feel me inside you?”

Buffy pulled back the ankle he held in his palm and came to rest it on his shoulder, “What I want is to feel your umm…” and with a broken tone she finished, “I want to feel your cock inside me!”

“That’s my girl! Going in for the kill, and she knows what she wants and she’s gonna get it.” Spike pulled himself flush up against her body and straightening her leg as comfortably as he could. He took his throbbing cock and moistened the tip with the moisture that flooded between Buffy legs; he ran the head of his cock along her slit, circulating her clit for added apprehension of when he would thrust into her. He continued to tease her for a few seconds as he drew the moment out. He would slide the head along her opening, backwards and forwards, sometime slipping in the head into her wet quim before he quickly pulled out and began to tease her again.

“Please Spike! Don’t tease me anymore! I want you inside me! Please!”

He immediately stopped what he was doing and grabbed onto her ankle on his shoulder as he slammed his way into her body. He instantly felt her muscles contract at the invasion of his cock so swiftly and suddenly within her, Buffy felt her abdominal muscles contract in pleasure as she increased the pressure around him. She tried to concentrate as she tightened and loosened her pelvic floor muscles, squeezing the ridged hard muscle that lay within her.

“Buffy please stop! Oh god woman! Buffy please!” Spike lay still within her as her movement caused wave after wave of ecstasy through his body. “Baby I’m going to come if you keep doing that! Fuck!” Spike tried to gather his strength back and put everything he had into not allowing himself to come before she had again. After a short time of allowing themselves to just enjoy their connection, Spike slowly began to thrust shallowly with in her. Just an easy rhythm that they both caught onto, over and over he pulsated through her body slowing increasing the burn that flowed between then.

“Can you feel me ,Luv?” Spike asked Buffy as she pulled once again on the sheets for anchorage.

“Yes!”

“God my girl is so wet. Makes it easier to fuck her tight…” This time it was Spike’s turn to get lost in the heated passion, he couldn’t finish his sentence as a flash of burning hot was flooded through him and rendered him speechless for a few seconds.

Eventually, Spike ground his hips harder against hers as he rotated his to touch every inch of her wetness, not leaving one cell within her untouched or unfound by his cock. He pushed her ankle forward allowing him to push himself deeper into her, but he was always mindful that he never applied too much pressure on her to cause her pain. “So fucking deep in my girl.” He watched as she looked at him at times, as she brought her hand down to feel his cock as he pistonned within her, her pleasure written all over her face. She would apply pressure along his length closing her hand around him, making him push harder into her as he passed through her hand to seek to her depths.

Suddenly removing himself from her, he pulled her onto her knees and placed her hands on the headboard making it clear to her what he wanted. Before he could ask her she spread her legs as she braced herself on the bed in readiness for him, she grabbed onto the headboard as hard as she could. He sat up on his knees behind her as he arched over her and grabbed her hips for leverage as he slammed himself repeatedly into her. She felt the rough motions of his hips as he pulled the head of his dick out of her and plunged it straight back into her, heard the slap of his thighs against her as he moved against her and the grunts of breathe as he heaved himself against her.

Slowing down the movement of his thrusting hips, he brought himself upright by lifting his right heel onto the mattress, which changed the angle of his penetration and prolonged the time between his thrusts inside her. Every time he moved deeply within her, he could hear her slight ‘ahhuhhhh’ of her breath escape from her lips.

“Buffy…fuck...push back Luv…that’s my girl….more …harder!” Spike spoke to her as she used her positions advantage to move back against him as he pushed forward. “So fucking wet…I can feel it slide from you…I can feel every muscle inside you twitch…with every stroke of my cock…deeper and deeper into you.”

He also took advantage of the position as he grabbed her breasts from underneath; moulding them to his hands and despite the deep penetration gently squeezed them and pinched her nipples between his thumb and forefinger. Buffy could feel herself begin to teeter towards her next orgasm, but she didn’t want to achieve it alone, “Spike please!”

“Please what, baby?”

“Spike, come for me.”

“Soon, Luv.” Spike continued to manipulate her breasts with his hands, as he gently kisses her back between words.

“No, NOW!” Buffy pleaded with him, she couldn’t hold on for much longer as she felt the muscle coil and tighten with in her. “Please, Spike!”

“You do it, Luv! Come if you want!” Spike freed one of her breasts and began to stroke her clit, pulling her deeper towards her climax. Not happy with his answer she began to contract her vaginal muscles again in time with his thrust, when he completely filled her, she clamped down onto him for maximum effect. “Buffy!”

She felt another change the speed and direction of his thrust as she pushed against him; she let go of the bed with one of her hands and slammed it onto his hips as she roughly ground herself against him. It finally came to a crescendo as Spike pulled her upright to sit against his back as he bounced her up and down on his cock, until he pulled her down one last time and held her hips to his as he finally came. He pulled onto her clit triggering her into the abyss just after him, he moved in her a few more times as he spiralled down from his orgasm.

“You, minx!” Spike still sat within her body as he kissed her shoulder, “It’s always so fucking hot with you!”

“Hot?”

“You get me hard just looking at you, girl!” Spike kissed her neck as he pulled the hair away from her face, “I always just want to grab you and find the closest place to fuck. You make it so good!”

“And I don’t even get any thanks?” Buffy grinned at him.

“Thank you, Luv!” Spike spoke before he realise what he’d said. “Bloody hell you got me!”

“Yep! See who taught who to say ‘Thank you!’” Buffy pulled her head around and gently kissed his face. “Maybe I should say Thank you to you for giving me so much.”

“Buffy?”

“I want more than just a quick fuck Spike! I want you!” Buffy broke her gaze with him frightened to see his reaction and rejection. “I want more than this…”

PULSE 5

For Kar and our interesting conversations that lead to inspiration and laughter….

Thanks to Kar for another great edit job..luv you sweetie :lick:...

Be warned a very fluffy piece here and there….lol…lots of nummy treats in here as well…


Belonging


“More than this?”

Buffy still couldn’t look at her lover, her words seemed to still echo throughout the room, she wiped the strands of hair that hung around her face. She hoped that the words she’d uttered hadn’t stolen the most exciting thing to happen in her life, away from her. Sliding down the bed, Buffy picked up the sheet that had ended up on the floor and covered herself in a kind of armour around herself. She tightly gripped the sheet around her slumped form, as she sat now on the end of the bed.

“I want more than just a quick tumble every time we see each other. I want, no I need more than that. I could get this…” Buffy waved her hand in the air, “this anywhere I wanted too.”

“What Buffy? A fuck?”

“Do you have to be so crude?” Buffy finally looked over her shoulder to find a very unhappy man that lay on the bed.

“Yeah, I do,” Spike ran his hand down his face. “I need to be clear on what you want from me Buffy.”

“Well, do you want more than this Spike?” Buffy asked him. “Do you want more than a willing body in your bed?”

Spike leaned over to the bedside table, withdrew a packet of cigarettes and proceeded to light one. Taking in a deep breath, he inhaled the smoke from it, allowing it to penetrate his lungs and blew out the smoke with a large exhale. Creating a haze around him, he took another puff and flicked the ashes into the ashtray that lay next to the bed. Buffy crumpled her nose at the smoke and waved her hand in front of her face as the smoke filtered through the air.

“Those things will kill you!” Buffy said dispassionately as Spike continued to smoke.

“I know,” Spike put out the cigarette. “I’ve seen enough people die of lung cancer.”

“Then why do you smoke?”

“Because I do,” Spike moved down to the edge of the bed where she sat and pulled her back to the other end of the bed. “Why do you let me do the things I do to you?”

“Because I do,” Buffy replied to his question with his own answer.

“But you want more?” Spike moved his fingers down her neck to her shoulder and over her arm. Buffy shut her eyes as her body began to respond to his touch. “No don’t shut your eyes.” She moved her neck so that she could look directly into his face as he continued to caress her arm. “What more do you want from me than this?”

Buffy’s breath shuddered as he asked the question, she could feel the power that a single touch from him could reduce her to sheer hedonism, and the dominance of her attraction to him. The struggle to gather her thoughts raged inside of her, she still ached from the joining of their flesh, which she found it a distraction to find any ability to reason.

“I want…”

“Still finding it hard to ask what you want Buffy?” Spike asked her in monotone as he moved his hand to her waist and manoeuvred them so she lay on her back on the mattress and he lay above her. Pulling the sheet away from her, he hauled it over both of them even as Buffy struggled to keep herself covered.

“I want you. I want to be with you besides in the bedroom,” Buffy struggled with her words. “I want you to be a part of my life.”

“You want to be my girl?” Spike looked at her with a sharp penetrating gaze.

Buffy put her hand on his cheek. “I want to belong to you.”

Spike closed his eyes and pondered upon her words, he was at a loss a few weeks ago he’d just been a way to give herself some release from the world and now she wanted him to give her everything. He let the idea whirl around his neurons as he considered what she was asking of him.

“Buffy, do you really know what you’re asking from me?” Spike opened his eyes again to her face and saw the insecurity that shone from her eyes. “I’m a hard bastard and I don’t know if you could live with the man that I am.”

“Let me decide that,” Buffy quietly spoke. “Hard bastard or not, I want you.”

“How well do you think that you know me?”

“You may think that you’re difficult, but I’ve heard your patients say otherwise, and I know that I can trust you,” Buffy tried to answer his question. “You’re an intelligent man, warped sense of humour, and a little possessive at times?”

“Possessive?” Spike looked at her with his brow furrowed exaggerating the scar on his eyebrow.

“Yes, Spike, a little possessive defending my honour and all, or would you rip the arms of every man that decided to give me their ‘special attention’?” Buffy tried to lighten the conversation between then and at the same time hope that he was a little possessive of her anyway. “Or would you do that for any woman that you came across?”

Buffy’s observation of his handling of Hepburn, had given her some hope that she wasn’t more than a fuck toy for his personal use. She knew that they hadn’t started out in the conventional way, but she hoped that they might be able to move forward from here and make go of things. Spike was not the type of man she ever imagined herself with, and not the type she’d ever been interested in. Yet since karma had brought him to her that day in the alley, she couldn’t look backwards or envisage herself with anyone else.

He looked at the woman that lay beneath him in his bed; the question she asked him had a strong element of truth in it. Besides defending his mother when he could from his abusive father, he’d never reacted so instinctively possessive towards another female. Sure he’d had his rough and tumble in bars from his past, but he’d been ready to beat the shit out of the man that had spoken to her like she was a piece of meat. Buffy wasn’t the type of girl that he’d have pursed into his bed, but she’d been an enigma from day one.

From deep down within himself came the call to take her up on her offer and let her into his life. Spike had to acknowledge that he could happily have her as part of his life, but he wasn’t so sure if she would like the total package once she really got to know him. He didn’t know how she’d cope with being ‘his’, he could only imagine that she would become his obsession and the centre of his world, and he didn’t know if she could cope with that. So he decided that if she really wanted to be a part of his life that, he would have to confront her with what he would really be like. What he would expect from her and if she could live with that, then he was willing to give her anything and everything.

“No, Buffy, I don’t,” Spike moved himself so that he totally lay over her, taking her head between his hands he spoke softly. “I usually just scare the git off, but with you it’s different and something that I haven’t done in a long time.”

“Long time?”

“Beat the shit out a bastard that deserved it, Buffy,” he could hear her shallow intake of breath at his statement. “I have a past that I’m not to happy about, but I live with it and move on with my life.”

“Oh,” Buffy quietly replied. “Are you telling me that you’ve been in trouble?”

“No, Luv, I’m not. What I am saying is that I was never caught.”

“How bad?” Buffy asked the obvious question.

“Bad temper and alcohol don’t mix well.”
“That’s all? Nothing like a felon?” Buffy had to ask for her own piece of mind, that she wasn’t sharing a bed with a criminal.

“No, just the occasional brawling of a stupid young man.”

“Oh,” Buffy absorbed what he was saying.

“Still want me sweetheart? Knowing that I have a sordid past?”

“I wouldn’t call that sordid Spike!” Buffy slid her hand up to his cheek. “I would call that young and stupid, but yes I still want to know you. Be with you.”

“Then understand this Buffy I will be demanding and possessive of you. If you give yourself to me Buffy, I want it all. All or nothing, or you might as well get dressed and leave.” His frankness was startling to her; she could feel her breathing stop as he laid it all out for her as he didn’t want any misunderstanding from the beginning. “Just as I will give the same to you Buffy.”

“I wouldn’t ask for anything less.”

Buffy pulled his face down towards her own, as she brushed her lips along his, just a simple caress. Spike gripped her lower lip between his own and pulled it down as he slid his tongue in and began to explore the moist inner flesh of her mouth. He grazed her teeth applying pressure behind his movements until she opened her jaw, slipping in he savoured her rough flesh as they entangled themselves within each other. Moving his hand away from her face, he ran it slowly down her body and collarbone until it came to rest on her breast.

Grasping the soft skin, he massaged her nipple to peak as his hand moved in a circular craze until he began tugging slightly at her tightened tip of flesh. Rolling it between his fingers, he pulled the taut flesh at times as he continued to kiss her with a wild need that ached to be released. Spike watched as she arched her neck back slightly in response to what he was doing to her, he took advantage of the situation and trailed a line of kisses down her neck. Continuing until he reached the breast that had been receiving the attention of his hand, holding it still, he manipulated the flesh so that the nipple lay between his thumb and forefinger. Sliding himself down her body, he parted her legs with one of his as he nestled his hips between her own.

Taking the dusky pink flesh between his lips, he licked the harden flesh with just the tip of his tongue, grazing it gently sending ricocheting shocks of pleasure through her body. He teased her further by gently gripping the nipple between his teeth and softly pulling it until it peaked further, and began suckling the tingling skin. He could hear her catch of breath each time he would alternate between licking and nipping her with his mouth.

Buffy could feel each lick or bite cascading through her body, everything else just disappeared from her existence expect this moment in time. She could feel his hardening cock against her thigh, and the momentum that Spike created as he little by little began to rock his hips against her inner thigh to create a delicious friction. Sometimes alternating between a slow and ardent up and down motion, or a quick and sensuous sideway slid when he would taunt her with his cock. Allowing the thick ridge to separate the wet folds of her flesh for just a fleeting moment, and direct the most tantalising pressure on her clit, even if it was just for an ephemeral second.

Buffy looked at her lover as he contorted his body, to grace her with the delectable waves of pleasure that speed through her being. She ran her hand through his short curly hair, grasping it tighter as her pleasure heightened, her eyes travelled along their bodies up and down, taking in every visual aspect of the sensual act she was a part of. Seeing him have her breast in between his lips, catching moments of the flicker of his tongue on her flesh made her need to have him accelerated. The need to feel his cock thrusting hard within her became an undeniable ache, just the thought of having him made her even more energized, and her appetite for him even wetter.

“Spike!”

He snapped his head up at her urgent call of his name, he couldn’t miss the desperation in her eyes with the hand that was pulling his hair she guided his head back to hers for a sensuous kiss. She slammed her lips onto his as she infiltrated his mouth with her tongue; she curled it along his own, with slow thrusts of the rough flesh and glided over his soft palate. Not satisfied enough with their kiss, Buffy drew her ankles up along the mattress, bending her knees until her feet lay underneath his mid thigh.

Taking a deep breath, she ran her hand down his back, feeling the discs that made up his spinal cord, letting her fingertips trail along the ridges as the discs protruded with his slightly arched back. Until she came to his tailbone, on which she laid her palm flat onto the flesh underneath and sliding her hand further along to the tight cheek of his bottom. Buffy gave the firm tightened flesh a few squeezes of her hand as she felt the muscle pull even tighter under her grasp.

With a slow glide of her hand, she made her way to the front of his body, and took his hard cock between her fingers from the base along the long veiny girth, to the very tip. Spike jerked his hips as she let a single fingertip run along the tip of his penis, drawing a small circle around it until she reached the outer width. Grasping it fully with her hand again, she allowed her thumb, to encircle the sensitive flesh just below the head of his cock, she couldn’t complete a full circuit, but it didn’t detract from the pleasure Spike was experiencing.

Finally she took him in a harder grasp as she slide him within her moist folds to guide his head into the entrance of her core, and arched her hips up slightly to pull him into her depths. Moving her hand back to his buttocks she applied pressure as she pushed herself forward, until he laid fully within her and she felt the instant he hit her cervix. He could feel her internal muscles flutter and tighten as he glided within her wetness. Caught up in the swift momentum of her need to feel him, he began to thrust hard within her with short blunt movements, making their bodies slap against each other as they came together.

Buffy moved her hips up and down off the bed in time with his quick thrusts, she watched as he clenched his teeth together at the raw desire that flowed through his body. He suddenly sat back on his haunches, and grabbed the back of her knees with his hand and pulled them forward to lie on her stomach. Moving himself slightly forward, he once again began slamming into her in a deeper penetration, the force of his thrusts caused Buffy to slightly bounce of the bed. She could feel every strong stroke of his cock within her walls, every inch of his hardness caresses her sensitive flesh stimulating every nerve ending that it passed over.

Moving it to a higher level, he pulled her legs apart and let her right ankle rest on his thigh. Taking the hand that still grasped his hip, he moved it until it came to rest on her pelvic bone, picking up her ankle again he rested it the best he could onto his shoulder. Returning his hand on the hand that lay on her pelvic bone, he slid it down further until it came to rest over her mound. He spread his finger inside her mound, separating her moist folds of her lips and looking her straight in to her eyes, he made his request.

“I want to see you come.”

Buffy heard his gravely voice and waited for him to start making delicious movements with his fingers over her clit, but she waited in vain. Her mouth opened in loss, she didn’t know what he expected her to do, he was the sexually aggressive one in this relationship. Spike slowed down the movements of his thrusts as he continued too just hold her folds apart, as his gaze moved from her eyes to where they were joined. Yet still he did nothing to alleviate the pressure that was beginning to mount within her and the anticipation of having him touch her was making it worse. Was he getting off holding out on her??

“Buffy I’m waiting,” still he didn’t tell her what he expected from her, the look of questioning began to wash over her face, and the frustration made her body tighten around him. A smirk covered his face when he realised that she didn’t understand what he wanted from her, and it turned him on knowing that she’d never been this adventurous in her life with anyone else. “Buffy I want to watch you…” again he repeated his request. “I want to watch you make yourself come when I fuck you.”

“Come?”

“Yeah Luv. I want to feel those lovely muscles of yours flutter around my cock as I watch you touch yourself.”

Buffy could feel the rush of blood to her face as she absorbed what he was saying and asked of her. Never had anyone ever asked this of her, or ever wanted to watch her. It frightened but excited her at the same time; this was what she found so exciting with him, the exhilaration he gave her when they were intimate with each other. He wanted everything from her and she had no hesitation in giving it to him despite the slight embarrassment she was feeling now.

“Do it, sweetheart.”

Without any further hesitation she slid her hand forward and ran a single finger over her mound and directly onto her swollen clit. She looked at his face as he watched what she was doing with her fingers; she watched his gaze move in a circular pattern as it followed her finger on her clit. She watched as his gaze never broke away as he began to thrust deliciously slowly in and out of her body, as his breathing increased as his visual pleasure increased his sensory overload. She felt her own pleasure amplify as she enjoyed the erotic scene being played out before her.

“That’s my girl!” Spike’s voice trembled with his words. “Knows how to please and pleasure her man.”

Spike’s words ricocheted through her body, she arched up as much as her position would allow her to as her pleasure became unbearable as the pressure she felt within overwhelm her. Trying to relieve some off it she slipped in another finger and began to strum her clit as he began to thrust more quickly into her. She finally gave into temptation and looked at where they where joined, with wide eyes she watched as Spike’s cock slide in and out of her flesh. It glistened with the fluid that flowed from her body, and sometimes she could see the tip pop in and out, as he pierced her deeply.

“Harder!” was all she could say as she felt the need for release flood through her. He could feel her inside go into meltdown as her vaginal walls began to clamp down on him and as she became wetter by the second. Her rapid intake of oxygen and her frantic movements over her clit signalled her readiness.

“My girl gonna come?” Spike initiated his own frantic thrusts as he became caught up in her intensity of desire and needed. “Gotta… come… with… my… girl.”

Casting his gaze back at her, he let her legs go and slammed himself over her, as he drove into her hard and fast. Angling himself so that as his cock slid over her clit, he made sure that he gave her the extra pleasure that he denied her from achieving herself with him dominating over her. She grabbed onto his shoulders as she felt her orgasm hit her and splinter her into a thousand pieces into the abyss, she tightened her grip on his cock as she came. Buffy tried to concentrate on drawing out the contractions for as long as she could for him and trying to prolong his pleasure. Yet like her, he quickly followed her into his own orgasm, as she watched him thrash out his last thrusts in his ecstasy of pleasure.

After catching his breath he looked into her eyes as they sparkled with the after effects of what they’d just shared. He remained lying over her body and just looked at the woman that lay beneath him, as she stared back at him with the same intense gaze. Running a hand down her face, neck and waist until he could no longer, he placed a gentle kiss on her face as he whispered just one word that summed up the whole experience for both of them.

“Mine.”

PULSE 6

By

Mercy

NC-17
WARNING: character death…..no not our dynamic duo!

A/N Thanks to Kar for another fab edit…and nitpick..lol

Chapter Six

Page Me

Buffy looked at her watch as her pager went off, she felt the buzz of the vibrator alert against her jeans, she sighed as it was only 2125hrs (9.25 pm) and she had still a few hours to go of her shift until it was time to finish. Putting down the folder onto the table at which she sat at the nurses’ station, she wondered what this problem could be. Being only one of a handful of medical officers that rotated to cover the hospital, it was her turn to do this shift. All she really wanted to do was go home and put her feet up; of all the bad luck it was, her last day at work before she had a few days off and she was stuck covering this shift. A little smile covered her face as she tried to envisage what she’d be up to on her days off.

Getting her mind back onto the job at hand, she lifted the pager from its clip on her belt and looked down, a frown covered her face. Looking at the pager she was a little confused, maybe someone was having a joke on her, tapping her finger on the pager she was deciding whether to ignore it or call switch and try to find out who sent the bizarre message.

MESSAGE: only a few hours….

She had absolutely no idea who sent it, but she really didn’t have time to worry about it as her pager went off again for a ‘Code Blue’, her heart raced as she read where the cardiac arrest was and got up running to the stairwell to the fifth floor. Her breathing intensified as she made her way to the commotion that was going on in the ward area. The nursing staff had already commenced basic life support and awaiting the arrival of the intensive care team, and the rest of the medical team.

Making her way around to the patient she immediately made her diagnosis looking at the cardiac monitor, ordered the appropriate drugs to make the patient’s heart more responsive, and with no real consequence, she made her first real call in an emergency. “Charge 200,” Buffy called to the nurse team leader to charge the resuscitation pack, placing two gel pads on the patient, she placed the paddles over his chest. “Clear!” she called for the staff to move away from the bed, checking no one was in contact with the bed, she hit the two paddles buttons simultaneously and discharged the electricity into the patient’s chest. Still the rhythm didn’t change she ordered more drugs and commencement of CPR, still nothing. The sweat began to bead on her face as one of the nursing staff nodded towards the young intern, as she mouthed ‘you’re doing great keep going’. “Charge 200.”

“Clear!” again she discharged more electricity, and still no response. “Charge 300.” She continued with further interventions, drugs and cardiac shocks, but still nothing. The resuscitation team arrived and took over, she helped all she could with the attempt, but all failed nothing was going to work. So after an arduous 45 minutes death was pronounced, Buffy was left to fill out the paper work and as she sat she could feel the bile rise from her gut, making her feel like she would be sick. This had been her first real resuscitation and she’d felt like she’d failed, though looking through the patient history there really had been no hope of getting him back. He was one of the victims of the gas blast a few weeks ago. But still this didn’t help the way she felt, all the anguish that she’d felt that fateful day came flooding back too her, it was like she was living it all over again.

All she wanted to do was walk out too seek solace and comfort, and in truth she wanted Spike, not like before on the day of the blast just too feel safe, warm and wanted. She was so tempted to pick up the phone and call him, but was interrupted before she could even pick up the phone.

“Hey doc, you did an excellent job, we did everything that we could have. There was nothing more that could have been done,” the same nurse that had encouraged her, now stood behind her at the desk. “You win some, you lose some.”

Buffy weakly smiled at the woman trying to make some sense of the situation, she could hear the truth in the woman’s statement, but she guessed that she must have seen so much death that at least she had a protective wall around her feelings. Maybe she should take a leaf out of her book and not let her feelings get the better of herself.

“It’s tough when you have your first few, but you get used to it doc. You aren’t a machine, but you also can’t let it affect you, Buffy, you have other people that need you just as much,” the nurse spoke again and made her way towards the other end of the corridor to be with the grieving family.

She could only nod her head in agreement, and continue with what she was doing, so she kept writing in the notes. Letting out a large sigh, she straightened her back, resolved that she wouldn’t let this plague her tonight; maybe she could talk to Spike later about it. At least she did have someone that would understand and be supportive she supposed, any further thoughts were abandoned as her pager went of again. Looking at the message, she nearly dropped it and with shaking hands, she read the message again.

MESSAGE: nearly finished…

Was someone trying to play a bad joke on her? She re-clipped the pager to her belt and picked up the phone to call the switchboard. After explaining the bizarre messages, she asked could they identify the source of them, or give her a number at least. A few minutes later she had her answer, someone from outside the hospital was bypassing the paging system and ‘no they couldn’t identify who was sending them’. Buffy was asked did she want a new pager, but she would probably receive the same messages as they would have to re-route the number to the new pager. So it was pointless to get a new one, the only option was to call security if she got anymore, the final piece of advice that they could give her was to get an escort to her car after her shift for her ‘own safety’.

Putting the whole thing in the back of her mind she continued with her work, page after page continued from nursing staff with enough work to keep her occupied until the end of her shift. The messages seemed to have stopped, she finished her last report and stood up to leave, but her pager went off again. Not wanting to answer it, she decided that as it wasn’t a code call given that the beep was different. She ignored the page because she was about to hand it over to the next shift and she wanted to just get out the hell of there.

Making her way quickly to the medical officers’ common room, she saw the other person that would take over; with a grateful smile, she handed over the pager and gave him a quick run down on what was happening in the hospital. They had a quick chat about life and the meaning of the universe; until Buffy remembered the last page. Quickly taking the pager out of his hand she turned it on, recalled the last message and felt her insides meltdown.

MESSAGE: seeking medical attention room 1071

Spike!

It had too be, he had to be the one that had been paging her all shift; why didn’t she think of him? She’d been so snowed under with work that she hadn’t even thought about it being him. Who else would tell her to come up to the 10th floor except him? But why there and why now? She could have met him at his home, but too many questions and not enough answers crossed her mind, so she did the only thing that she could do she cleared the pager and handed it back to the man that was taking over.

“Hey Buffy, everything okay?” the young man asked as he looked at the quizzical look on her face. “You look a bit worried.”

“No, everything’s fine,” with that she began the walk to the flight of stairs around the corner that would take her to 1071. “Night, Keith.”

“Night, see you tomorrow.”

“Nope, days off,” she turned her head to answer as she walked away.

“Have fun.”

“Oh I will. Bye.”

Buffy disappeared around the corner, with the swish of her coat as she took it off and opened the door to the staircase. Looking up she began to ascend the staircase, each step becoming quicker than the last until she came to the 10th floor. Opening the stairwell door she peered into the corridor and looked around, she could see that the lantern lights just about the floor were on but nothing else. Walking into the hallway she spied the first door number she saw 1028 covered the sign above the handle, looking left and right to see if anyone was about she started down the corridor. She followed the numbers as they got closer to 1071.

1037

1054

1068

She stopped at 1068 and tried to see if she could see any signs of life in 1071, Buffy spotted the illuminated room as a soft ray of light came from under the doors edge. 1071 seemed to be a patient room; Buffy hesitated to go any further as she still wasn’t sure if it was him. Sneaking a bit closer to the door, she pushed it slightly on it’s hinges, opening the door just enough to peer in she saw the single bed made in hospital fashion, surrounded by a lit candle placed here and there. On the bed lay a white satin gown, with a washbasin, soap, wash cloth and a towel beside it, she felt the goose bumps rise as she wondered what just he had in mind.

“Buffy, what are you doing out of bed young lady and why are you in street clothes?” Spike’s voice came from behind her. “I’d think that you’d be trying escape from me, Luv,” he pushed the door open further. “The doc told you to stay in bed, so you’d better get back in and get back into your pyjamas too.”

“What?” Buffy’s mouth hung from her mouth in shock.

“Into bed, Little Girl.” Spike pointed towards the bed. “Or do I have to put you there?”

She finally caught onto what was going on and walked into the room, lifting the nightgown from the bed, she ran a hand down the sheer fabric that wouldn’t leave much to be hidden. Looking back at him, he wore his blue nurses’ scrub uniform with a smirk that covered his lips, as he titled his head to the side. With a slow teasing fashion, he licked his bottom lip and curled his tongue around his top palate. She turned back to the bed, and dropped the gown and just contemplated the situation for a moment before she spoke.

“Doesn’t anyone around here get any privacy?” her words slow and deliberate.

“Five minutes,” with that he shut the door and took a few steps away from the door. “That’s all you get.”

“Fine, god the nurses around here are so pushy,” Buffy began to change into the gown as he requested. “I should report you,” she said playing into the game.

“I heard that!” came from behind the door. “Just watch that mouth, Missy, you should put it to better use.”

“Oh I intend too,” she commented to herself so quietly she hoped that he hadn’t heard.

Continuing to undress herself, she finally put on the gown and slide under the starchy sheets of the bed, and waited for his return. Looking around the room, she saw the candles flicker and occasional hiss as they shone off a dim light, just enough to spread a dim glow into the room. She stared at the washbowl, washcloth, soap and towel she’d moved onto the table that sat by the bed, her mind flared with ideas about what he was going to do to her. Her abdominal muscles tightened as she inhaled deeply to calm herself at the fantasy that played out in her mind, and the fantasy that was unfolding in front of her now.


If he wanted to play ‘naughty nurse’ then he could and it certainly turned the tables on the concept of the usual male fantasy, except she doubted that she’d get the tight short uniform. He might look good in a skirt, laughing quietly to herself she dismissed the thought, she suspected that he’d rather be caught dead than wearing a skirt, even if she asked. But then again he did look somewhat sexy in the blue scrub uniform he wore; it had proven to be very adaptable in its easy quick removal from his delectable hard body when needed. Her thoughts broken by a knock on the door, she watched as it swung open and he sauntered his way back into the room, locking the door behind him. Stopping at the foot of the bed, he looked her up and down; with a single hand he slid it across the bed end as he walked over to the table where the washbasin, soap and towel laid.

“Well, Miss Summers, what are we going to do with you?” Spike collected the things into his hands. “Can’t have you running out on me can I?”

“But I wasn’t…”

“Just have to make sure that you don’t want to run, won’t I,” he walked over to the private bathroom, leaving the door open she watched as he filled the washbasin with water and came back into the room with the towel slung over his shoulder. “Maybe you need some special attention, Miss Summers?”

“Special attention?” she asked him so quietly.

“Yes, Miss Summers, they say nurses have healing hands you know,” Spike placed the full washbasin onto the table again. “Want to test that theory, Luv?”

“What ever do you mean?” Buffy responded with the most innocent voice she could muster without breaking out into a fit of laughter. “I am a sweet shy girl,” again the voice became mockingly innocent as pulled the sheets under her arms until she covered her bust.

“Not when I’m finished with you Luv.” Spike pulled the table closer to the bed until he stood at the bed edge. “One thing I do know is that you, Miss Summers, still haven’t had your wash today.”

With that, he put his hands into the water and soaped up the washcloth that lay in the water, gently squeezing the excess water out of it. Leaning forward he wiped the cloth over her face, and down her neck, drying her face with one hand. With the other he tried to pull the sheet down from her front with a single finger, she retaliated and tugged back on the sheets and blankets with all her might. Grasping the fabric with his hand he pulled back, dropping the cloth back into the basin, a frown covered his face.

“Miss Summers, please,” Spike tried too gently loosen her grip on the sheets as a different tactic. “You’re not co-operating and there’s no need to be modest I’ve done this thousands of times.”

“Thousands?” the look on her face was one of horror. “But we…you…”

“But I’ve never offered them my special attention or healing touch.” He pulled on the sheet again this time she offered only slight resistance. “If you want the touch you only have to ask.”

“Healing touch? Well mister why don’t you prove the theory then.” Buffy let the rest of the sheets drop down to her waist.

Pushing the table slightly away from the bed and moistening the washcloth again, he moved past it until he stood just at her waist, pushing her gently forward as he ran the cloth down her arm. Drying her shoulder and arm, he then slide the shoestring of her gown down past her shoulder blade, with slow deliberateness he tenderly kissed her shoulder. Spike leant over her as he continued across her chest just above her bust, until he reached the other side, where he slide the cloth down her arm taking the other gowns shoestring with him. He stoped only to dry her arm, her gown hung from her upper body with Buffy applying the lightest pressure from her arms to keep it in place.

“Lean forward.”

Buffy complied immediately with his command, she leaned a little forward as she felt him moved around to her back sliding the cloth along her exposed flesh, but this time no kisses followed like before. He quickly dried her back, and moved back to the basin with Buffy coming to lie back on the bed, she watched as he soaped the cloth again. He caught her attention as with the other hand pulled back the sheet until it sat upon her knees, his eyes mesmerised by her body as he took his fill in of her. With out asking Buffy dropped the gown to her waist as she pulled the straps down, she watched as he took the cloth and lathed her chest with the soapy water.


He bathed each breast with his hand in circular motions and at times allowed his whole hand to encompass her flesh, applying the most delicious pressure. Yet he didn’t touch her skin to skin, the cloth became a warm barrier between them, at times he would softly pull the skin as it began to peaked under his hands. From one mound to the other he would move, watching her face as the tension began to cascade through her body. Dispensing with the cloth, he ran the rough towel along her now sensitive breasts, the coarseness of the fabric creating extra delectable pleasure to the arousal that was building up within her.

“Miss Summers, please remove your gown,” he spoke as the fantasy intensified and progressed.

Buffy pulled the gown down her body, lifting her hips to slide it along, as she removed it from herself and at the same time, she pulled the sheets down to the bed end. Spike moistened the cloth again, running it up and down her abdomen repeatedly, in bold long strokes. He felt every muscle in her stomach clench and her exaggerate breathes as the tension built up with her, ricocheting along his hand into his own body. Finding control difficult, he grabbed the towel and wiped her dry, tempting fate he ran soft butterfly kisses around the outside of her navel, lapping the flesh at times with his tongue, occasionally dipping it into her in short sharp strokes, leaving not much to her imagination about what he really what to do to her.

“Nurse Devine, should you be doing that? I mean it’s a bit inappropriate what you’re doing isn’t it?” Buffy struggled with her words.

“It’ll just be our little secret,” Spike broke away from her body and faced his head towards her. “Just between you and me.”

Standing up straight again, he moved back to the basin as he wet the washcloth again, this time he washed the front of her left leg then the other. Lifting her knees up with one hand, he smoothed the cloth under her leg, repeating the same with the other until both were washed and dried. Throwing the towel onto the floor, he moved back to the table and pushed it aside against the wall of the room, stepping back to the bed he pulled the sheets that lie at the bed end and throw them on top of the towel. Making his way back, he watched as Buffy repositioned herself on the bed, with her right knee bent awaiting his return to her as she licked her lips.

Making his way to the foot of the bed, he released the bed end of its hinges and let it slip down the bed, hanging on its hinges. Patting the end of the mattress with his hand, he waited for her to shuffle down the bed to where his hand lay. Moving down Buffy placed her bottom on his hand and lifted her feet to lie on the mattress with her knees bent. Leaning forward, Spike slipped his thumbs under the side of her panties and pulled them off her one leg at a time, tucking them into his scrub shirt pocket like a memento. Slipping his hands onto her ankles he followed her calves until he reached her knees, sliding his hand into her inner thigh he pushed her knees apart, leaving her open to him.

“Time to test the healing hands theory, Miss Summers,” Spike asked of her. “Any place in particular, Miss Summers? Does it burn or itch anywhere?”

Buffy moved her hands over her breasts, pulling them to a peak and continued down her abdomen until she reached her pubic bone. Skimming the surface of her legs, she pulled herself slightly up so she could reach his hands, and pulled them to her pubic bone. Guiding one of his hands to her wet slit, she slide it down her crease as her released moisture eased his way down until it reached her entrance. With his other hand she pulled it to her mouth, taking a single digit she slipped it into her mouth and ran her tongue along it, making swirling patterns and suckling it gently. Letting his finger go she lay back onto the mattress and pushed his hand towards one of her breast, applying gentle pressure that he mimicked on her flesh.

“I have an itch right there Nurse Devine, but it’s so deep inside me that I can’t scratch it.” Buffy spoke with a husky voice laden with desire and burned with fervour. “It burns like fire.”

Slipping two fingers into her vagina, Spike shallowly stroked her inner walls with slow strokes, massaging the wet flesh that tingled and tightened under his touch. With the same rhythm, he rolled her nipple rolling the nipple between his fingers, tweaking the harden flesh. As his stroking of her walls increased so did the depth of his touch, as he rubbed her inner flesh he curled his fingers up as he passed her g-stop. He could see every effect that he had as he touched her on the right spot, as he watched her face contort in a passionate frenzy desperate for each touch to last that little bit longer. Buffy began grinding her hips against his hand in a desperate effort to feel more of him deeper inside of her, moving against his hand trying to create a heavenly friction between them.

“Is that alleviating the itch, Miss Summers?” Spike spoke to her with a voice of authority. “Maybe just a bit more pressure?”

“Oh god…yes!” Buffy grunted out in demand.

He didn’t even wait for her reply as he pushed a third digit in with the others; taking his hand down from her breast he ground it against her clit. Around and around he pushed his palm into her mound, yet he didn’t touch her as it created even more unbearable pressure on her body. She felt like not once inch of her inside walls were being missed by his inquisitive fingers, he watched as she flung her head back as the pressure became almost unbearable, her walls began to flutter against his fingers as her body prepared for her own release.

Spike quickly pulled his palm away from her clit, undid his scrub pants and grabbed one of her ankles in his palms as he pulled out his cock, plunging it into her contracting walls. He pushed in as far as she could accommodate him, as she walls fluttered and waved around his cock, his world seemed to stop as he let himself flow in the consuming passion that burnt around them. This was the moment he loved best when he was with her, her muscles squeezing him so tightly as she was flooded with more moisture to make it easier for him to create friction within her as they fucked.

Buffy hurled into her orgasm at the shock of being so deeply impaled on his cock, her eyes wide with astonishment as she watched his cheek muscles twitch. With the pressure and pleasure he was feeling from her contracting muscles, and the depth of control he was trying to maintain. Finally opening his eyes, he locked gazes with her as he lifted her other ankle with his hand, raising them both up to his hips he slowly began small thrusts deep within, hitting her cervix time and again. So small that you could just see the sway of his body as he tempted her with his cock, giving her little movements that sent wave after wave of craving through her. He watched as she let out little breathes in time with his thrusts, and as they increased as he began grinding his hips to encircle every inch of her.

With a change in tempo, he slammed into her as she began to push herself against him as he slid within her trying in desperation to increase the pleasure she was experiencing. Buffy grasped the linen as she tried to control the urge just to grab his hips and pull him harder against her; she craved a deeper and solidifying touch within her. As if sensing her need he began too almost crush himself against her, the bed moved slightly under them at the force of his thrusts, and the headboard tapped on the wall behind it.

“Fuck Buffy…if this is an itch…fuck…” Spike grunted out his words as she continued to thrust deeply within her. “I love the way you …clench those muscles around me.”

“You mean like this…” Buffy tried to concentrate as she pulled on her pelvic wall and milked his cock. “Or like this…” as she released and tightened against him again.

He stopped as she caressed his ridged flesh, he just seated himself inside her enjoying the pleasure she was granting him. Her face flushed in concentration, and her teeth pulled on her bottom lip as she dragged out his pleasure increasing the strength of the pressure she placed on his cock and the time between each contraction. Spike lifted her ankles that held onto his hips to his shoulders, as he suddenly withdrew himself from her and bent down to reach for something. Buffy watched as he lifted a control pad within his hand, placing a single finger on it Buffy felt the bed rise, she couldn’t help but let out a squeal as his usual cocky smirk covered his face.

Lifting the bed of the floor about 30-50cms he dropped the remote to the side of the bed, still with her legs over his shoulder, he dipped his head between her legs, slipping his hands into her lips he spread them for his mouth. Taking the first swipe of her outer lips with his tongue Buffy nearly threw herself of the bed, her flesh so hypersensitive from the hard fuck he’d been giving her. She felt swollen beneath his mouth, her nub engorged with blood and arousal as he’d brought her to such dizzy heights, slowly he began lapping his tongue against her clit. Deliberate short strokes, just for a millisecond tempting her flesh, rubbing it gently with his rough tongue and suckling the nub so gently that she could just feel the sensation as it passed through her body.

Spike held her to the bed as her hips reared slightly up seeking more of him, trying to make each touch and stroke seem longer. Moving the tempo forward, he released her clit from the possession of his mouth as he moved further down to her entrance of her heated core. Moving his hands around her lower legs, he hugged her thighs in place as he pushed his tongue inside her, in shallow strokes mimicking the movements his cock. Swirling around inside her walls he lapped against the flesh, darting in and out as he played with her, heat flooded through his mouth as he felt the fever between then consume her. Sporadically he pulled outside of her, moving back to nibble at her clit, make her almost stop breathing as another shockwave speared through her body, making her abdominal muscles tighten and contract as she shuddered against her lover.

He could feel his own craving to feel her surrounding him again, as much as he was deriving pleasure from what he was doing to him, his cock strained and ached for her. Grabbing the remote for the bed again, he felt for the right button and pushed watching as Buffy looked up from where she was watching what he was doing to her, to see his face emerge with his trademark smirk again. ‘Cocky bastard’ filled her thoughts as she felt him lower the bed again; he motioned to her with a sweep on his hand for her to move up the bed, which she again immediately complied. Spike grabbed his scrub shirt and pulled it off, running his hand down his chest he placed his hand over his cock and moved his hand along its hardened flesh as he watched Buffy spread her legs in invitation for him. His tongue peered out for just a quick second as he contemplated his next move.

“On your knees, Luv, and hands on the head board.”

He looked on as Buffy sat up and turned herself over the bed, lifting herself into a kneeling position, and turning her head to watch him as she blindly felt for the headboard. Feeling for the bar of cold metal that was attached to the headboard, she gripped it with both hands, she locked gaze with him as he walked to the side of he bed. Making his way towards her, he ran one of his hands over her backside, up her spine and over her shoulder until he reached her jaw. Hunched over he kissed her lips thrusting his tongue into her mouth, he let her taste herself as his tongue lapped at the flesh around her teeth. Pulling away at times to nip at her lower lip and with a swipe of his tongue to soothe the bite.

Standing back, he broke their kiss, and ran the same hand as before down her side, as he moved back behind her until he stood at the end of the bed. Leaning one leg onto the edge he vaulted himself onto the bed, using the frame to pull himself up within the very limited space that the bed offered. Flushing himself against Buffy, he sat on his knees between her open legs and leaned over her so his chest covered her back, with one hand he covered a hand of hers, lacing his fingers through it. Running his other hand up her thigh, along her abdomen and stopping at her breast, cupping it as he gently tugged on the hardened nipple and massaging the globe within his hand.

“Please Spike…I need you…to feel you.” Buffy wished her desire to him.

Letting her breast go, he followed the path he took to her breast back to her thigh, reaching in between them his grasped his cock in his hand, and slid it along her slit using the moisture flowing along her channel to moisten his hard flesh. Slipping in the head to the entrance he grasped her hip and pulled her backwards to fit against his pelvic bone, her soft ‘nugh’ could be heard in the silence of the room. Spike fought the urge to let caution go and grab her by the hips and slam into her, but he doubted the bed would allow him that privilege, so gently he began thrusting deeply inside her.

‘That’s it baby fuck me back...harder…so fucking deep…”

Buffy arched her back against his chest as she reared against him in need, her head thrown back against his shoulder as he moved within her, she began rocking herself on the bed the best she could as he stroke down wards inside her. Flesh against flesh could be heard slapping against each other as they moved in synchronisation; the bed began to rock on its wheels as Spike slammed harder into her. Letting go of one of his hands from the bar on the headboard, he wrapped his arm across her hips, as he controlled her movements against him, changing the tempo or angle of his cock sliding against her vaginal walls. He kissed her shoulder as they moved together, at times nipping at her collarbone or licking at her skin as he rocked against her.


Buffy felt every muscle in his chest and abdomen tighten and contract as he breathed or moved they were so tightly drawn together with a hunger for each other, that she could feel his well-defined six-pack rubbed against her lower back. She could feel every single movement of his cock inside her, she felt like she was about to explode in the gravity of the lust, passion and desire that flooded through her body. Every hard and deep thrust seemed to hit every inch of her core; it was as if she was suffocating sometimes as her breath got caught in her throat. Or when he’d hit just the right place, she’d desperately want to let go of the bed so she could grab him against her even harder. She found this the most difficult as she knew that it would probably mean that they’d fall off the narrow bed, as she desperately fought for her control.

He could feel her walls surrounding his cock begin to flutter and tighten as her body signalled it’s need to come, the pressure it put on his own flesh was immense as he felt himself begin to tighten in response. He tightened his hand that braced her hips with such strength that it would surely leave bruises on her skin, he plunged faster and deeper in her body spurred on by her impending release. Letting go of the headboard with one of her hands she slipped it in between her legs, letting her fingers feel his cock as he thrust against her. The sensation sent jolts of pleasure along his body, the added stimulation drew him nearer to his own orgasm, sending him into a frenzy that craved to be relieved.

“Luv can’t wait much longer, need to come so hard baby,” Spike grunted inside her ear. “Make my girl come so hard with me.” Hearing his words Buffy reared herself high against him and began to stroke herself, as she let herself go into the abyss that awaited her; she squeezed his cock as it rammed itself into her wet flesh. Spike felt the pressure escalate as she fluttered against him, her body start to convulse against him as she allowed herself to come. “Fuck Buffy...that’s it…come hard for me…that’s my girl.”

“Yours…” Buffy cried out over and over as the bliss of her orgasm rocked through her body. “Always yours.”

“Mine…”

Spike pulled her sharply against him one more time as he came inside her, pulling her upper torso against his chest as he grinded his hips into her in the final foray of passion. The only thing that could be heard in the room now was the hard breathing sounds that come from both of them, as they caught their breath. In the aftermath, Spike loosened his tight grip that he had on her hips as she slowly lifted herself of his body, and turned herself around. Sitting on her knees, she lifted her arms against his face as she passionately kissed her lover. Pulling him down to the mattress as they thrust against each others’ tongues, tasting and consuming any unresolved passion they had that their tired bodies could play out anymore. Buffy was the first to pull away.

“You know I still should report you for being rude.”

“Rude? How?”

“Being bossy!” Buffy gently punch him on the arm.

“Yeah Luv, I’m a bad rude man.”

“Hmm… bad? Yes. Rude? Depends. But at least you proved one thing.”

“What?”

“You do have the touch,” giggling like a schoolgirl, her eyes lit up brightly as an idea popped into her head, she turned her head slightly away from him as the idea became thoughts, and then a plan.

“What are you thinking? I can see something running around in your head.” Spike asked her.

“Just wait and see…” Buffy said nothing as she hatched a plan to turn the tables on him. “You’ll just have to wait and see.”

PULSE 7

By Mercy

NC-17 but smut free….but next chapter….

Thanks to slackerace Meli and Kar for beta reading the fic. An extra thanks to slackerace and Meli for volunteering for the job. Hmmmm wonder if they regret it yet??

Big thanks to Jessy for being a sounding board for me...yet again.

Please enjoy PULSE. It seems to have become bigger, longer and more intense than I ever thought. It has started to really have it's own pulse....and tachycardic (fast racing pulse).

A/N~~ in NO WAY do I support the bad habit of smoking; it is used for the story outline only. Please don’t take up this nasty habit…one that I deeply regret taking up and have spent the last 10 years regretting it!

Asystole
(definition: No heart rhythm/beat or electrical trace present on EKG or ECG; i.e., therefore a person is pulseless or ‘flat lined’)

Two weeks later….

Standing in front of the nurses’ station, Buffy watched as Spike sat at the desk filling out the day reports. His hand extended to his forehead as he wrote down the days events in his patient report, so engrossed with this task he never noticed her standing there. She watched his cheek muscle pull and extend as he rubbed his jaw in weariness, covering his mouth as he stifled a yawn. After the wild night they’d spent in bed, she mused, he certainly would be tired. They were virtually insatiable they had been at it for five hours if she didn’t count the little cat naps in between. The last thing on their mind had been the fact that Spike had to start work at 7 a.m. The alarm had never been set as they’d both been too immersed in each other as they fucked.

A very bleary eyed but satisfied Spike finally arrived at work at 8:15 a.m. with a very large smirk on his face, as he took the gentle ribbing from his female workmates about finally ‘nabbing himself a girl, even if it was a dreaded medico’. The other male nurses and attendants on the ward didn’t even try to have a ribbing at him. They just casually smiled and asked whether he’d overslept. He couldn’t help but let out a sigh of regret having to leave her in his bed, as he remembered the way she felt around his cock as he thrust hard into her wet heat, or the way her mouth felt around him as she licked her way along its ridged length.

She signed with regret as she looked down at her watch, instantly converting the minutes and hours into military time. It was 3:45 p.m., which was 1545 hrs. He should have been due to finish work at 1530 hrs except that he’d slept in. With a sigh, she remembered groggily holding onto him as he tried to leave his bed in the morning. Mistakenly she’d tried to grab him and ended half out of the bed as he slipped onto the floor in front of her, deliciously naked and sprawled out for her to admire. She had to contain herself from just going over, pulling him away from the desk, hitching her skirt up and undoing his pants so she could mount him to ride him to heaven.

Thinking of their morning together on reflection, she instantly stiffened. Every sight, smell and touch came flooding back to her. So did a realisation of truth that came out of nowhere and smacked her right in the face. Nothing had changed since the day that she’d told him she wanted to be more than just a fuckbuddy. The only thing that had really changed had been the fact that they slept together a lot more. Usually in locations that were more convenient like his place or hers, rather than the hospital or some other public place. Besides that, nothing had changed except her feelings towards him were developing quickly and surely. However, she didn’t think that Spike felt the same way as some serious doubts fell into place.

It was self-evident that Spike was in it for the lust factor. He never seemed to get enough of her in his bed. The way they went back to work and then home to fuck. Never anything in between. Was she kidding herself that she could mean anything more to him than… she winced at the crude words that came to mind. A fuck toy? There, she’d thought it. Yet within her, another part of her consciousness was flooded with reassurance that she meant more to him than that. It wasn’t enough to destroy the heavy doubt that still plagued her thoughts. Not enough to dispel the sense of reality that played on her emotions.

Buffy shook her head as someone from behind tapped her on the shoulder trying to get her attention. Dr. Karen Childs stood behind her with a relative of the patient she wanted to discharge. In a quiet voice, Dr. Childs told Buffy to write up the discharge summary and script, so that the patient could be discharged and then noted with a knowing smile on her face that ‘Buffy could go home’. Karen hadn’t missed the energized young woman that had come to work today. Yet now she noticed a change in her junior doctor, something was missing. Some of her spark was gone.

Spike looked up from where he sat, as he saw his lover listen to the instructions that her boss was giving her. The intense look of concentration mixed with relief washed over her face. She turned her face towards him and proceeded to become a beetroot red as her boss continued to speak to her. He could only imagine what was going through her devious little mind, and he hoped that it was something that they both could enjoy. Cocking his head to the side in a questioning motion, he mouthed the words ‘what’s wrong?’ to her. Buffy replied by shaking her head towards him. He glanced over to her boss and back to Buffy, he looked at his watch and pointed to the dial. “Finished.”

“Me too, but I have to do this discharge first.” Buffy spoke quietly trying not to attract the attention of the other nursing staff or anyone else. “Childs is giving me an early mark today. Thought maybe we could go out…see a movie or dinner. Just the two of us.” Let him prove me wrong, she thought, please let me mean more to him than just an easy lay.

“How long?” Spike stood up and leaned over the desk in front of her so they could speak quietly. “Better yet how long ‘till we can get home and I can get between those dimpled thighs of yours?”

“It that all you can think about Spike? Getting between my legs?” Buffy tried not to explode as she pulled herself slightly away from the desk. Spike ran a hand over the desk and over her hand that leaned against the desk. “Stop it!”

“Make me. Can’t wait to get my girl home and make her see stars.” Spike leaned over further and titled his head as if trying to kiss her. Reacting quickly she pulled herself totally away from the desk and moved quickly away from the nurses station. “Buffy wait!”

“No Spike, go back to the desk and finish what you’re doing,” Buffy glared angrily back at him and whispered. “I’m not just a fuck you know!”

Not liking that answer, he grabbed her by the hand and made her tag behind him as he quickly walked to a large storage room at the end of the long corridor. Opening the door he pulled her in, before closing the door behind him, he looked back at the nurses’ station. Seeing a very bemused Dr. Childs smiling and shaking her head, she took the paper work that Buffy should have been doing and waved her hand dismissively towards him. His hand flicked the switch that turned on the dim lighting in the room. Still holding her hand he led her into the furthest corner of the room. Pushing her gently against the shelves he slid his hands up her arms until they came to rest on her shoulder. Buffy clenched her teeth against her anger, trying to contain it within herself before she gave him a well-deserved punch in the nose.

“What’s wrong with my girl?” Spike asked sarcastically. “Tired pet?”

“You’re a pig, Spike,” Buffy closed her eyes.

“Got your period, luv?” Spike laughed. “Not in the mood, luv? Don’t ya wanna get ‘Spiked’?” He grinned cockily as he grabbed her buttocks and ground them against his growing hard on. “Can’t wait ‘til we get home and I can fuck you so hard…”

“Fuck you, you arrogant bastard!!” Buffy spat at him. “Hang on …been there done that. So what, Spike, just want another fuck from me? That all I’m good for Spikey? A good, hard fuck?”

“Buffy don’t you ever say that again.” Spike let her go with such force that she nearly fell as he withdrew his support from her frame. “You are more to me than a ‘fuck,’ as you so eloquently put it, and don’t you ever…ever suggest otherwise. If you think that all you are is a ‘fuck’ to me, then I don’t think you know me at all…or anything about me!”

“I know that you like to sleep with me. How you like to be dominated in bed. You like to have your cock…” Buffy stopped as she watched Spike close his eyes and swallow hard, listening as she lashed out what she was thinking. “I don’t know what your favourite colour is, or music… or anything about your family. I don’t know anything.”

“That’s not true Buffy, and you know it.” Spike opened his eyes, both glazed in hurt at her accusations as he’d already shared so much of his past and himself with her. Buffy knew more about him than any other person on this planet, even more than he himself knew. “Where is all of this bull shit coming from?”

“Nowhere. It’s the truth and you know it.”

“Bollocks!” Spike spat out. “What? Having second thoughts about us now, Buffy? Regrettin’ me already are you, luv?”

“No Spike, there is ‘nothing’ to regret. But where are we going with this? Nowhere. The only place you seem to be interested in is between my legs and it’s not enough anymore, Spike.” She slowly looked down and with a wisp of air she continued, “It’s not enough anymore….nothing has changed since we first got together. We’re going nowhere.”

“Nowhere?” Spike spoke with such rawness in his voice. “What have we been doing for the last few weeks…months, Buffy? Making a connection between the two of us…making love…being together. And you say that it’s going nowhere? Where, may I ask, do you expect it to go Buffy? Where?”

“We’ve never even been out on a date,” Buffy accused him. “Not once have you taken me out. All we do is fuck at either your place, mine, or in some public place.”

“Are you saying that you think we’re going nowhere because we’ve never been on a date?” Spike clenched his teeth. “Is taking you out to a restaurant meant to earn me points in your book? So we ‘connect’ a lot, does it really matter where? Your place, mine or somewhere else? Does it take away from the excitement of when I’m inside you? When I’m tasting your sweet nectar...or when… ”

“No,” Buffy looked at him her eyes brimming with tears. “You’re twisting what I’m saying…it always comes back to sex with you.”

“Then what, Buffy? What on earth are you talking about because it ain’t making any bloody sense to me! I’m not twisting anything…you’re not making any sense.”

“I don’t know anything anymore Spike…me, you…us?”

“When you do know come and see me Buffy,” Spike looked away from her, lifting his hand he broke all contact with her. “Until then…fuck, Buffy…you’re my girl!” he turned back. “I want you. I could have any girl I want. I could find a fuck any day of the week. Bugger it, I could do myself and not have to worry about putting up with this bullshit. I doubt that I’d have to look far for a ‘fuck’ considering how we met, luv….I found you in an alley didn’t I?” With a hardened look in his eye, he turned around and began to walk out of the storeroom and into the corridor, leaving an emotionally charged Buffy in the dimly lit storeroom.

Alone.

~~***~~~***~~~***~~

Spike pulled his helmet from the locker, before slamming the door shut with a sharp flick of his wrist. He stared into the blackened reflection of himself that the shiny surface threw off. Swearing softly at himself as he allowed her words to bond with his consciousness, without resolve he turned towards the door and left the change rooms. Slinking in the shadows behind him, keeping her distance so that she wouldn’t be discovered was Buffy. She followed Spike, as he walked down the staircase to the staff car park.

Horrified at herself for the words that had passed between them, she felt like a dim-witted daft fool, every syllable that had found resonance from her throat had been false. Once she’d started down the course that she’d set in anger, she hadn’t been able to stop herself. Every word had been laced with malice and the pain she felt, in the incompleteness she experienced in her feelings towards him. Something inside of her was reaching out for him and Buffy felt like he was reserved in allowing her to see his true self.

She wished that she could relive that moment and take it all back, but she couldn’t. Not knowing how he would react when he saw her again, she hesitated in revealing her presence to him. The anger in his stride pronounced to the world to ‘leave me alone or else;’ occasionally she would catch a glance of the side of his face that showed the taut muscles of his features. Again, she berated herself for her childish behaviour. They’d been slowly evolving their relationship to allow it to define itself and mean something to both of them. Nevertheless, she wanted it all now, the emotional depth and commitment that came with any relationship.

It had become more than just a ‘fuck’ despite her insensitive words said in irrational anger.

So involved within her thoughts, she didn’t see him standing dead in front of her as she came around the final corner of the staircase. Almost smacking herself into his standing form against the staircase railing, she reeled backwards trying to avoid him. His hand came out to keep her steady as Buffy tried to regain her centre of gravity, her head spinning from the sudden standstill of her frame. She clung onto his hand as she let herself fall into his body, her hands gripping the leather jacket that he wore. Her face landed onto his chest, and her nostrils flared as she smelt the intense cocktail that was the scent of him. The aroma of the sterile environment he worked in and the faint tinge of cigarette smoke clung onto the oxygen she inhaled. With steady hands, he pulled her away from his body for the second time that day. Looking at her, she was confronted with the antagonism splayed over his face, causing her to stiffen as she stood motionless.

“Buffy?” Spike asked her questionably with a harsh tone. “Are you all right?”

“No,” Buffy quietly responded to his question. “No I’m not.”

“Where are you hurt?” Spike looked over her form trying to assess whether she was hurt or not. “I don’t see where you hit yourself or …?”

“I’m not hurt Spike, but I’m not ‘right’ either.” Buffy pulled herself closer to him, pushing him deeper against the railing. “Things are kinda mixy with me at the moment and I’ve made myself miserable. Not to mention I’ve made my man miserable too.”

“Buffy I’m not in the mood for any more of your games tonight, luv,” Spike tried again to push her away from him. He doubted that he could last a second go with her today. “You’ve made your point earlier today luv and I get the message.”

“Spike!” Buffy tried to tighten her hold on him as he moved himself away from her. “I’m sorry…I was wrong to say some of the things I said.”

“Right,” Spike looked reluctantly and disbelievingly at her. “Apology accepted.” With that, he continued down the staircase around the last corner of the steps. Buffy followed closely on his heels, trying to keep up with his quick strides towards his bike that stood along side others. He refused to look at her any more as she tried to keep up with him. Grabbing onto his leather coat in an attempt to slow him down, she nearly ripped it off him.

“Spike, wait!” Buffy begged him, shouting “please William!” when he wouldn’t respond to her pleading. “You have to believe me! I’m sorry Spike. So sorry!”

“Buffy, I said apology accepted.” Spike pulled the helmet over his face and got onto the motor bike. “Now be a good girl and go away. You got what you wanted in the end luv; a man between your legs when it suited you. Not that I was complainin’.”

“What did I get in the end Spike? Saying some of the stupidest things that I have ever said? I’m sorry, Spike. I was the one who pushed you for more …” Buffy yelled out to him, but stopped mid sentence as something he said came to light. “What do you mean what we have wasn’t enough?”

“I’m drowning in you Summers, and you’re just ripping me apart.” Spike looked at her with such pain in his eyes that he couldn’t hold her stare for long as he finished what he was saying. “Today you might as well have taken a stake to my heart…”

Kicking the gear plate out, he started the engine of the bike, revving it as he opened the throttle and moved forward slightly. Sliding the darkened perspex shield over his eyes he gripped the bike beneath him as he pulled away again leaving a desolated Buffy alone. A single tear slid down her face, as she realised the immense damage that she had inflicted on Spike. She could only hope that it was repairable. The depth of the pain she felt well up within herself was immense, she could feel her vision become blurred and her mind shatter. As she walked backwards, she felt the cool metallic surface of a car and stood completely still, allowing herself to be supported by the automobile. With a hand, she wiped away the tears that now flowed freely from her eyes, as she continued to watch him ride away.

Without her.

Turning his head slightly around he watched as she staggered back until she hit the hood of the nearest car parked in the lot next to the assembled bikes. He winced as she wiped away the tears that came to her eyes and had to make himself accelerate away from her. He felt like an absolute git for making her feel like that, but what else was he to do? Let her say the things she’d said to him and just accept what she’d said? He had some pride and was never going to be, as he liked to put it, ‘loves bitch’. If Buffy thought that a few words, tears, and apologies were just going to wipe the slate clean then she was wrong.

Yet an overwhelming sense of guilt hit him as he continued to travel down the road; he could and should have been kinder to her. He should have been reasonable and listened to her apology and not go of half-cocked like he always did. Pulling over he took off his helmet and lit up a cigarette, with a few deep inhalations he allowed the smoke to infiltrate his lungs. Ditching the butt he revved the engine, took off and turned the bike around back in the direction of the hospital, arriving back quickly he returned to the parking lot.

She wasn’t where he’d left her, but he hadn’t really expected her to be there. Taking his bike around the corner, he went to her parking space only to find that empty too. The only thing visible was her name plate ‘Dr B. Summers’ clearly defining her car space. Making a quick decision, he exited the lot and headed down the road in the opposite direction. He sped all the way to Buffy’s apartment block and slid into the first space that he could find. Parking the bike and turning the engine off, he just sat on the seat for a few moments longer before going to confront her. Taking a deep breath he left the bike, walked into the building and took the elevator up to her apartment, hoping that she would be there. Looking around at the deep wooden inlay in the wall of the elevator, his memory jogged to the last time he stood in this elevator with her. He remembered the deep and sensual kiss they’d shared in its cloistered walls, the way her body had molded to his in the heat they shared. He smirked when he remembered she had to push him away from her, as a loud ‘excuse me’ had come from one of her neighbours, alerting them to the fact that not only had they arrived on her floor, but the doors were wide open. Wide open, with the slightly embarrassing sight of his hand down the front of her pants and her hand stroking his cock.

Shaking his head of the memory, he exited the elevator and walked to her door, standing in front of it he knocked softly. With no answer, he knocked louder until he could hear footsteps coming from the apartment and the door opening slightly. A bewildered Buffy stood behind the heavy wooden door that partly shielded her from his sight. Her eyes were slightly puffy and reddened, this only intensified the feeling of guilt that he had. Okay he now stood at level of ‘super git’ one just above ‘git’.

“Buffy, let me in.” Spike spoke quietly.

“No…” came almost as a whisper.

“Please sweetheart…”

“No…go away.” She was just too worked up to see him and be confronted with her stupid behaviour. She just didn’t want to deal with it. “I’m sorry, William, but I can’t.”

“Buffy, let me in so we can talk,” Spike leaned into the doorframe.

“No!” Buffy began swinging the door shut in his face. “Please.”

“You can’t shut me out Buffy,” Spike spoke reassuringly.

“Want to bet? Because I already have,” and with that Buffy slammed the door shut on his face. She left a very bewildered Spike standing alone in the hallway of her apartment complex.

“Fuck!”

PULSE 8

NC-17 SEX SENCE AND USE OF LANGUAGE

A/N Thanks to Kar and Meli for having their usual great input to this fic. To my regular readers for nagging me to get back into the writing. Life has been kind of mixy at the moment. I've left my old job, moved 400 kilometres away, sold my old house, started a new job and just brought a new house….stress…gotta love it.

Cyanotic 
(Definition; slightly bluish grey discolouration of the skin due to reduced numbers of haemoglobin cells in the circulatory system, in layman's terms there isn't enough oxygen in the blood stream and the body is deprived of oxygen. An example of this is blue tarnished fingers, toes and lips.)

A week later, she felt just as raw and stripped of all pride since that fateful day with Spike. It just kept playing repeatedly in her mind. Like a film that refused to stop, she would do the most insignificant thing and a memory or word would reoccur. Slicing its way through her mind and down deep into her being, crippling her ability to eat, sleep or just function normally. She couldn't concentrate on work, she started to make mistakes and this wasn't going unnoticed by Karen. Buffy would shudder away from any type of physical contact and snap at anyone that dared question her decisions or authority.

Spike hadn't been to work for over a week, apparently taking sudden leave from work due to 'a death in the family'. He'd had no immediate family that he'd ever spoken about, he'd admitted that he had a living mother and father, but that was all. Not another single story or word came from him about his family. They might as well have been nonexistent for all she knew. Buffy knew that it wasn't true that a relative had died; it was just a poor excuse. Yet something from deep down inside her screamed back 'and like you would know whether it was true or not' and a quiet just audible 'yes you do know the truth, stop making out that you know nothing about him' reply.

He was due back into work today, this afternoon. Now. This minute. Each second that passed with out him being there shredded itself through her nerves. Dread had plagued her everywhere she went, it had hung around her all day darkening her mood and making her jumpy. Her stomach churned and twisted with each second, curling around itself internally, making her feel nauseated. Buffy couldn't do anything right today and the menacing thought that it was only going to get worse as it weld up to her throat.

She didn't miss the odd looks that she received from the nursing staff on the ward. She saw worry, concern and jealousy from many a female nurse. She even thought that she might have seen jealousy from one of the male nurses. Shrugging her shoulders at that one, some of them cut deep into her psyche. Buffy had come to like many of the nurses on the ward as they'd helped her adjust to the area in the beginning of this rotation. It was disappointing that they all seemed to have taken sides not knowing her part of the story.  Looking around her, she noticed that the change of shift for the nursing staff was underway.

Spike wasn't amongst the chattering females.

Buffy found herself caught within the glare of one of the nurses standing behind the nurses' station. The nurse leaned down to hear the whisper of gossip from another female nurse, shaking her head as she listened. Buffy assumed that they were talking about her as the nurse gasped and glared harder, as the other woman continued to whisper the words in her ear. Moving away from the gossiper, she started in on her target and like the hunted, Buffy tried to retreat away from the nurses station without causing too much of a scene.

"Dr. Summers, I want to talk to you," the nurse called out to the retreating doctor. "Dr. Summers."

Buffy turned her head, as she continued to retreat from the stalking form of the nurse she remembered from the cardiac arrest a few weeks ago. She was the one that gave her words of encouragement and reassurance, when Buffy hadn't been able to save a patient from the gas blast that had all started this sorry tale.

"Dr Summers," the young nurse tried again. "Buffy, please stop."

Her head snapped further around at the mention of her name, even though she was used to the nursing staff calling her by her first name. The nurses' voice was laden with worry and concern she could only surmise was for her. Coming to a complete stop at the nurse's tone, she turned around to face her, looking at her nametag she read.

Melissa Blaxland. Registered Nurse.

"What Melissa?" Buffy couldn't keep any eye contact with the woman as she could only guess what she was thinking. "What didn't I do for which patient?" Buffy slumped her shoulders in defeat; she'd worked hard to finish her rounds early so she could get out of the ward area as quickly as possible.

"Dr. Summers, do we need to play games?" Melissa grimaced as she watched Buffy's face crumple before her. "I think we better find somewhere quiet to talk." Looking quickly around the hallway she pointed towards the staircase. "How about I buy us a coffee and we sit in the parking lot while I have a ciggie." Melissa grabbed Buffy by the arm and guided her down the staircase in quick two steps.

"What is it with you nurses and smoking?" Buffy huffed at Melissa. "They'll kill you slowly and painfully. But then again one of you deserve to."

"That's not kind doctor, especially considering we're your colleagues," Melissa shook her head towards the young woman. "Okay straight to the point," Melissa pulled Buffy into the staff lounge to get them the promised coffee from the machine. Finally handing her one she asked quietly out of the range of hearing of others. "He can be an idiot sometimes. What did he do?"

"Who?" Buffy stiffened immediately; her already tight straining muscles went ridged and screamed out in physical pain. "I don't know what…"

"Oh please!" Melissa hissed. "Please don't treat me like an imbecile doctor. I may not have M.D. next to my name but I'm not blind or stupid…"

"I never said that you were," Buffy looked away from the woman. "I just don't think that it's in your job description to stick your nose in my business."

"Hey," Melissa lifted her arms up, "I surrender. I don't want to argue with you about what's my job and what isn't. But what I do think is my business is William. He is my friend and has helped me out more times than I can count on my hand."

"Good for him," Buffy started to walk back towards the staircase that would take her back up to the ward. "I'm not interested in his acts of being a Good Samaritan."

"Buffy," Melissa reached out and grabbed her arm. "I'm not here on his behalf or anyone else's. I'm here because you made him happy. He has a spark inside of him that I've never seen before.  Not to mention the fact that you two crackle when you're in the room together. What gives?"

"None of your business!" Buffy pulled her hand of her wrist. "I won't talk about my private life with someone I don't know." She walked in quick strides away from Melissa, but by the nurses' next sentence she came to a screeching halt.

"You mean more to him then a 'roll in bed' you know," Melissa whispered at her. "I know about you two and all the wicked things you've been doing together. Funny enough, I'm a little jealous. Wish I were getting that much action in the sack."

"What! How could you know…fucking Spike told you everything?" Buffy exploded. It was bad enough she felt like shit, but for him to blurt it out to someone else just added to the multitude of his sins. "What we do…or did together is no one else's business. He had no right to tell you."

"He had every right to talk to me Buffy," Melissa glared at her again. "Considering that you didn't seem interested when he came to your apartment and you slammed the door in his face."

"What? After he had been an inconsiderate, sarcastic and insensitive jerk!" Buffy's eyes narrowed together as her brow creased with all the anger she felt. "He obviously told you his twisted version of events and not all of the conversation we had."

"Yeah he only told me snippets of things Buffy," Melissa's voice filled with genuine concern as she continued. "I may not have the full truth but one thing's for sure he realises that he's truly fucked up."

"He has no idea how badly he's fucked up," Buffy sipped her cooling coffee. "He has no idea how much he's hurt me or how I feel."

"Then tell him," Melissa pleaded on behalf of her friend. She would do what she could to encourage the two to try to work it out and get back together. "What have you got to lose?"

"Everything," Buffy whispered. "I have everything. He'll never understand exactly how I feel or how much I am hurting. Never."

"Then make him understand. Do what you have to make him understand how you feel. Show him anyway you can."

Buffy face changed slowly over the next few seconds as Melissa's words descended through her mind. Thoughts and ideas filled her mind, options and decisions made about what to do about Spike. In a spilt second, a plan warped and twisted itself into her perception of how to handle the situation. Yes, she would show him how she felt. Exactly how she felt. Precisely what it meant to be at her end of their 'relationship'. Every twisted and nauseating truth about how she felt would be evident for him to see after she was finished with him. With a smirk on her face, she looked into now worried eyes of the young nurse and laughed with a broken monotone.

"I'll do just that," Buffy looked down at her watch. "He'll thoroughly comprehend how I feel by the time I'm finished with him."

"Buffy?" Melissa tried to get Buffy to look at her again. With a sharp tug of her hand, Buffy broke all contact with her and walked away from the nurse. "Stop Buffy!" She left Melissa to stand alone in the shadows of the room.  It was too late; the young woman was too far away to hear her pleas. Melissa could only hope that she could tell William in time so that he could avoid further hurt. However, she doubted that anything could lessen the pain he felt now. She just hoped that they didn't inflict to much more pain and suffering on each other.

Buffy appeared to have different ideas.


                                                             ~~~**~~~**~~~**~~~**~~~


She stood quietly under the tree positioned next to his house; her dark clothing hid her slight form under the shadow of darkness. Her eyes followed the trunk branch out to the tips of the leaves that brushed the side of the house to the roof and an open window. A direct route to the master bedroom window that was open to let the cool breeze in, on this balmy night. Keeping her hands strewn tightly against the trunk of the tree, she used it to hold herself in place. She was straining against the tide inside her that beckoned her to climb the tree and into his bedroom.

Each delicious kiss, lick, touch and slide of his cock inside her came flooding back into her system. It created such heat and warmth inside her core and flooded her pussy with slick moistness that it soaked through to her panties. Yet still the hurt and pain poured over the heat and it generated such an ache of disillusionment. That it suppressed everything else but the need to make him understand precisely how she felt. So strong that it became instinctual.

Unable to halt the overwhelming need to submit herself to her baser instinct, she vaulted herself onto the trunk of the tree and climbed up to the roof. As quietly as she could she walked across the tiled roof with arms out to balance herself, she stopped just outside the view of the window. Flushing herself against the side of the house, next to the crease of the window frame, she looked in through the glass.

Lying on the bed, covered with just a linen sheet, he lay in a heavy sleep on the bed. Her eyes covered every millimetre of his flesh that lay before her. She didn't miss the light sheen of perspiration that covered his delicious flesh in the warmth of the night. Memories of how he tasted under her tongue crept into her mind; shaking her head she buried the memory deep inside her. She didn't need distractions from reaching her goal.

Making himunderstand her hurt and pain.

With stealth like movements, she pulled herself inside the bedroom through the open window. Hugging herself to the wall, she headed in the direction of his sleeping form. Her fingers trailed over the hard surface of the wall, she swung herself around the furniture that got in her way. Until she stopped just at the side of his bed, she reached out and touched the bedhead. Swallowing hard she remembered hanging onto the frame of the old antique cast iron bed with such force to keep herself upright as he slammed into her from behind. She vividly remembered his long deep strokes as he had penetrated her to the core with his hard cock and the howling orgasm that flooded within her.

Hesitating, she turned slightly in an awkward attempted to stop this wild folly. Yet her reflection in the mirror opposite stopped her. She looked into the reflection of the oval mirror that Spike had pulled out the last time she'd lain in this bed with him. So that he could watch himself fuck her and she could see herself come under his touch. Biting her tongue, she had to stop herself from calling out in the desperate pain that crawled around inside her. The resolve to see this through flooded her veins and renewed her strength. She had to do this….

She'd come here to show him how it felt to feel like just a 'fuck'.  He'd claimed to Melissa that she'd been more than just a 'roll in the hay', that she meant more to him than that. Yet to Buffy, it seemed like nothing had changed between them since the first time in the alley except they knew each other better.  The fact that unfortunately she seemed to have begun developing feelings towards him seemed to have had no impact on him. This had made their time together more special and precious on her part at least. Especially when she'd told him that she wanted more and he'd been happy to be her 'man'.

Buffy knew that he'd experienced what it meant to be just a connivent body for someone, even if that somebody at one time had been her. She'd stupidly thought that they'd moved beyond that, become more than connivent bodies slamming together in the darkness. Spike attitude towards her hadn't changed, he'd fuck her anytime and in any place that took his fancy. He'd seemed elated when she'd asked for more from him and seemed so possessive towards her. Yet never had he even taken her out in public, not once on a real date, just home to his place or hers to fuck all night long. It wasn't enough anymore, not by a long shot. Therefore, it was time to take matters into her own hands and remind him what it felt like to feel like just a fuck. Feel her hurt from the emotional connection she had hungered after from him.

Time she put her plan into action…

Out of her pants pocket, she pulled out four pre-tied long soft silk strips.  Trying not to wake him, she tiptoed around the bed laying two to the bedhead, pulling out the silk strips to lie down next to his arms. Laying a folded one next to his feet and the other silk strip on the empty pillow next to him, she prepared him to receive her retribution. From the bottom of the bed, she pulled the sheet away from his sleeping form and threw it onto the floor. Quietly she stood back from the bed and admired her handy work, with baited breath she pulled her shirt off and laid it on the chair by the window. Running her hand through her hair, she removed the tie that held it in place and let her hair spill over her shoulders. Pulling her pants off, she threw them on top of the shirt and her underwear followed suit.

Now the trial of her determination to go through with this would be put to the test.

As slowly and quietly, as she could Buffy came to stand at the end of the bed.  With soft touches and deliberate controlled movements, she slipped the silk strip between his ankles and knotted the ends together. Looking up after she accomplished the manoeuvre, she let out a quiet sigh of relief that he hadn't awoken him. Slipping back to along side the bed, Buffy grabbed the tie that lay at his side and strung it from the bedhead.

Taking his hand, she gradually moved it up towards the bars of the bedhead. With a slight flick of her hands, she slipped the already looped ends of the strips around his wrists and secured it in place. Buffy moved around the other end of the bed and repeated the process. Each second that passed left her more vulnerable to him waking and spoiling her plans. At all cost she had to avoid him awakening before she was ready to deal with him.

Looking over her handiwork, she decided that all the strips where in place and secure enough to hold him in place. Swallowing hard, she took a deep breath as she approached the bed; she stopped once her knees brushed the edge of the bed. Slipping one knee on the bed, she climbed onto the empty side of the bed. Taking the tie from the pillow, she folded it in half and laid it gently over his closed eyes. Instinctively reacting, Spike immediately woke up, straining to sit up as he realised the harsh reality was that he was tied up. It only made the knots tightening their hold around his wrist as he tried to push himself off the bed.

Buffy slung herself over him, until she sat astride his body and could miss the "fuck" that came out from his mouth. She rode him though his attempts to buck her off, but didn't miss a beat as she fastened the silk strip around his eyes. Blinding him to his captive. Grasping his head in her hands, she slipped her fingers through his hair and made 'shhhhhhhhhh' noises at him. Sliding one hand down his face she, lifted a single finger over his lips to quieten him down. Instantly he stopped, he immediately relaxed his body as he recognised something familiar about his 'abductor'. His nostrils filled with the faint smell of familiar perfume, but it triggered something deep within him.

Desire, lust and need.

"Buffy?" Spike whispered quietly. "It's it you luv?"

She responded to his question by bending down to let her hair run along his pectorals. His nipples instantly hardened as she let her tongue taste the salty skin that puckered under her rough strokes. His breath slowed from irregular sharp short gasps of air as she gently bit the peaked flesh, to almost nothing as he struggled against the will to fight his way free. To break free and take command of her, to give Buffy so much pleasure until she begged for mercy as she screamed his name as she came.

Spike could feel her licks and nips already take affect as desire welled up inside him. He felt the veins in his cock begin to dilate as the skin around the muscle begin to stretch and harden with the blood that begin to flow within it. Just above his groin, he could feel her pussy was teeming with moisture. She was so wet that it dripped from her onto the heated skin of his lower abdomen. Lifting his hips from the bed, he rubbed his cock against the cheeks of her bottom, trying to show her just how ready he was for her.

"Buffy, been to long luv without you." Spike begged for her. "Please luv I need you. Need to feel the inside of you…"

He pushed his cock harder against her buttom cheeks and gyrated his hips a little to expose as much of his hard flesh to her soft skin as possible.  With limited sensory ability, he felt her lean her torso over his, anticipating that she was about to mount him, he lowered his legs to lay flat on the bed again. Buffy slid her hands along his abdominal muscles, tracing each grove she found between each sinewed muscle. Licking a single finger, she slid the wet finger along his abdominal muscles, over the flat skin until she reached his collarbone. Making swirling patterns on his flesh, she contemplated her next move.

"Tell me you need me," Buffy finally spoke as she questioned him.

"I need you," Spike lay completely still.  Her tone was raw, broken and ached of something that he couldn't quiet make out, a desperation maybe, but he wasn't so sure. It was the last thing on his mind at the moment, besides the woman that sat above him.

"Tell me you want me," Buffy continued.

"I want you," Spike spoke with as much emotion in his voice that he could muster. "You know I do."

"Tell me…" Buffy voice broke, as she didn't continue with her sentence.

"What baby?" Spike spoke to her with a gentle reassuring tone. He needed her so much and she was just an inch away. He so desperately wanted to show her how much she affected him. "Tell you what?"

"Nothing," Buffy voice resinated with a sudden resolve. "Nothing Spike. It doesn't matter except what happens here in you're bed doesn't it?"

"Buffy?" Spike spoke with an unsure pitch.

"Shhhhhhh," Buffy ran her fingers along to his mouth and finally laid a single finger on his lips again. "I have a much better use for your mouth than just speaking Spike."

Sliding her lower body up long his torso, she stopped just at the bottom of his neck. Spreading her legs slightly more apart, she placed both of her hands on his biceps and squeezed the muscles. Descending her hands along his arms, she reached just below his hands and grasped onto his wrists with her fingers. Slowly she raised herself slightly and slid herself upward until her open wet flesh lay inches above his face. Her sweet smell of arousal instantly hit his nostrils, his nasal cavities flared with desire and his mouth watered for the nectar he was about to taste.

"You do have other uses for that mouth of yours don't you Spikey," Buffy softly spoke. "So good at making me come and tearing me into two from the inside out."

"Gonna make my girl sing tonight," Spike replied totally missing her point.

"Then put your mouth to use Spike and prove it," Buffy moved her hips just above his lips and lowered herself slowly until his nose just lay below her upper wet lips. "Make me sing."

 Letting go of his right wrist she brought her hand to sit just above her pubic bone, spreading her fingers into a fan she slide them down her flesh. Dividing the slick folds of her vagina with two of her fingers, she stroked her engrossed clit with a few flicks of her fingers. Her nerve ending splintered as the raw need to be fulfilled spread through her body. Keeping her folds open, she looked downwards as she lowered herself just a few millimetres above his now open mouth.

"Taste me," Buffy whispered to the man lying beneath her. "Savour me Spike."

Spike lifted his head to meet her open folds of flesh, for just a second he was lost in her seeping wet vulva. Orientating himself to what he was doing, he knew how much pressure to apply and where each of her sensitive spots where.  He wanted to make her come so fast that she wouldn't know it hit her until it was over. Flicking his tongue along her crease, he made his way to her clit, repetitively darting the rough flesh along her sensitive nub. Sending wave after wave of pleasure cascading through her body, her flesh felt like it was burning under the intensifying pressure.  Buffy began rocking her body softly in time with the licks of his tongue, backwards and forwards she gyrated her hips. He ached to grasp her hips in his hands to guide her momentum and feel her muscles caress his fingers as he stroked her inner walls with his fingertips. Spike would just have to make do with what she would allow him, even though she denied what he really wanted. To touch her.

"Do you tongue fuck as well as you lick Spike?" Buffy lifted her self slightly forward and held herself still. Looking down at him still blindfolded, she could do anything she wanted to him and she doubted that he would protest. He had yet to realise that this was her game and while she was playing it, she was going to get some dammed pleasure from the exercise. "Care to give me a preview of how you really want to do me Spikey?" He could feel her breath on his face as she leant down to whisper it in his ear. "How I'm gonna use that hard cock inside of me?"

Spike immediately slide his tongue into the depths of her pussy, he pushed his face in as deep as he could. He slowly began sliding the coarsen flesh of his tongue along her inner walls. At times stopping to flick his tongue upwards or downwards to stroke every inch he could of her. Moisture seemed to inundate the carven he licked, his taste buds fired with the divine taste that was uniquely her. He could feel her need for him deepen and flourish as her muscles began to clench and tightened against his tongue. She once again began stroking herself in a desperate need to come, driven on by the tantalising fever that he was creating with the way he curled his tongue against her walls.  She looked down suddenly as he pulled away just before she found release, removing his tongue and the delicious pressure it was giving her. Denying her path to fulfilment.

"Let me go Buffy," Spike spoke gently to her as he pulled against the silk strips that held him to the bed. "Let me pleasure you with all my body. Let me see your pleasure Buffy. I need to see…"

"NO," pierced through the room shattering any hope he had that she might let him go and become an active member in their pleasure. Scared that she might be losing control as she fought against better reasoning of letting him go, she spoke to him in now hushed tones.  "I want to be fucked Spike. I want to feel your hard long cock inside me and nothing else. I just want to fuck you and I want to do it my way."

"Anything you want sweetheart," hearing her words he reluctantly relented to her demands, it was better than her up and leaving him. She was finally back where she belonged, with him and in his bed. "I'll do anything to show how much I want you."

She lifted her body away from his form and now sat on her knees on the empty side of the bed just beside his torso. Leaning over him, she traced his lips with her fingertips, slipping one in he immediately began to suckle the finger. Feeling an immediate undulation of pleasure come from her hand, as it flowed and rippled over her breasts to her clit.  It made her hold her breath as she let the bliss flow through her, wanting to feel more she grasped her breasts in her hands. Pulling on the engrossed flesh, she tugged at her nipples as she positioned herself once again over his face. Cupping one of her breasts in her hand, she offered it to his mouth so that he could suckle and pay homage to her aching flesh.

"Suckle me," Buffy pleaded with him. "Suck it."

Spike opened his mouth onto her burning flesh as he immediately began strongly sucking on the puckering flesh. His tongue swirled around the engrossed nipple, in slow strokes encircling the tight bud as he teased her flesh. Sensing her heightening pleasure he gently bit the nipple as he sucked on the flesh like a straw, creating delicious alternating strengths of suction. With her other free hand she slid it down between her legs to try and relieve some of the frustrating pressure building up again in her clit. Whether he was stroking her nipple or swirling his tongue around it, she copied his rhythm as she pleasure herself. If he encircled her nipple, she circled her clit and if he stroked her nipple with his tongue, she would flick her clit with her fingers.

"Oh fuck," Buffy felt herself begin to tetter over the edge again towards orgasm. She probably would have been happy with coming there and then.  Yet the idea of letting herself come and deny him the same pleasure, seemed to have the element of justice she was trying to extract from him. Yet why spoil a great fuck?  Pulling herself abruptly away from him, a loud  'pop' filled the room as his mouth broke away from her breast. She sat back onto her haunches as she looked at him from fingertips to toes, and each silk strip that held him to the bed.

"Does my girl want me to taste her other pretty breast?" Spike crooned at her, now convinced that she was here to make amends between the two of them. Why else would she have come seek him out in the middle of the night and be back in his bed? Expect to make things better. She was his girl. Without an answer he titled his head towards he hoped was her head, "Luv please."

"Please what Spike?"

"What ever you want." Spike was now pleading to be able to touch something of her. "Tell me what you want?" he whispered to her as he ached to have his mouth on her.

Feeling her nerve endings on fire and an immediate need to come she decide that she wanted to feel the hard flesh of his ridged cock slid inside her. The hard velvety feel of the long length penetrating deep into her depths, like no man she'd ever been with before could. Placing a hand on his abdomen she traced his six-pack again like she had before, and then down the light track of hair that began just below his navel to the base of his cock.

She encompassed the base of his ridged length with her fingers, gently applying pressure to the shaft. Buffy didn't miss the sudden intake of air as she moved up the veiny flesh, grazing its rough skin with her nails. Running her thumb around the head of the shaft once she reached it, she spread the drop of dew she found on it around it's circumference as she teased the flesh. Spike lifted his hips of the ground as she began stroking his cock with her hand with slow forceful movements. Unable to bear being a passive participant he decided that it was time to join in fully in this sensual dance, he wanted to give and receive everything that she had to offer.

With a sudden jolt of his body that surprised even Buffy, he gripped onto the bedhead where the silk strips held him down and lifted his feet so that his heels dug into the mattress. With a heave of his body, he pulled himself into a siting position against the headboard. His back against the frame of the cast iron bed, his hands resting on the mattress with his legs spread out flat on the bed. Buffy had to pull herself back quickly as he repositioned himself on the bed. He almost smacked his head into hers on the way up to where he sat now. Leaving her to find her balance within his change of tactics, she gripped onto the sheet below her as anchorage so that she wouldn't fall of the bed.

"Buffy," Spike voice was filled with sexual frustration and seething with need. "Remove the blindfold," his tone became stern and commanding, "I want to watch you as you ride me."

"No," Buffy could feel her resolve begin to waiver as he barked out his orders laced with desire and need. "No, I'm….I'm…"

"Buffy, undo the blindfold NOW."

Something inside her snapped as he told her to undo the blindfold, the need to show him just what a "fuck" was vanished. Her mind and spirit called out in hurt and anger as her hands shakily did his bidding. Her insides crumpled as her true feelings erupted. She cared so much, needed him…too much. She was lost within the physical needs of her body to think about the emotional damage she was doing to herself. Buffy quickly snapped out of her thoughts as she pulled the blindfold away from his eyes. Her resolve to see this game through shattered as she gave herself over to the hedonistic physical gratification of her body. All previous intentions of teaching him that lesson faded into the background; the only thing that mattered was the pleasure…

Blue eyes pierced through her defences as he bore his gaze down onto her body. He caught her gaze and locked it within his own; each reflected the other in their own iris.  Licking his lips at the sight of her aroused body, the light red marks that appeared on her breasts marked his territory and as well as the slight moisture that ran down her leg. Tilting his head, he curled his tongue along his palate as he contemplated his next move. One thing was for sure he wanted to feel her on his cock, her breasts heaving against his chest as she grounded herself against him. To feel her lips devouring his as their tongue battled against each other.

"Are you wet for me luv?" Spike stared at the soft curls that covered her pussy. "Slip a finger in and show me how wet you are for me." Buffy silently and against all self will did as he asked, pulling out a moist finger after she touched herself. "Let me taste you again," she slipped the finger inside his mouth and withdrew her finger slowly as he sucked nosily on it. "Straddle me," he slightly pulled his still tied together feet upwards.
Buffy held onto his shoulders as she slipped over his hips, and settled herself onto his thighs. Not being able to look at him, he bent his head awkwardly to try and catch her attention. "Fill yourself with me."

Swallowing hard, Buffy looked down at his straining cock against his abdomen, grasping it in one hand she lifted herself up and slide herself slowly down his ridged length. Buffy stopped just as the head of his cock scratched her sweet spot,  she dug her nails onto his shoulders as she took deep breathes to try to control her cravings. Swaying her hips in a circular motion, she caused the rimmed head of his hardened flesh to tease and taunt her. Flooding her body with such strong want and consuming passion that it burnt and sizzled around them. The pressure that this was putting on his cock, gave Spike such untold pleasure that he felt like he would explode with bliss any second. As she shallowly rode him, he felt the need to have all of himself planted deep within her depths. To have every inch of his aching cock surrounded by her moist, tight pussy as it clenched and stretched around him.

"Deeper Buffy," Spike spoke through gritted teeth. "I want to feel every inch of my cock covered by your wetness."

Buffy slid herself down all his long length, so slowly that it was intense agony for him. He wished now that his hands were free so that he could slam her down onto the entire length of his cock. He ached to touch her, but the buzz of being tied to the bed and somewhat at her mercy gave him an extra high to the sexual experience. Spike also wanted her to look at him, but she refused to look at him whilst she moved upon him. No matter how he angled his face, or tried to catch her attention she refused to look at him. Spike for an instance could have sworn that he saw deep regret deep in her veiled eyes.

"Look at me sweetness," he gently asked her, "Watch us."

Buffy shook her head as she closed her eyes tightly and shivered against his frame as she moved her body up and down him. She leaned her torso closer against his chest and encircled her arms around his neck, hiding her face deep in the depth of his neck.  She closed her mind to everything except what she was doing, she couldn't think of the man underneath her. Buffy could only centre her mind on the delicious feeling of ecstasy she was experiencing as she rode his cock. Every nerve ending that was exposed to the ridged hard length, came ablaze with cataclysmic delight that swelled throughout every inch of her body.

As she clutched onto his neck with such forceful strength, she used it to her advantage as she leaved herself against him. Moving herself up and down with either a strong fast rhythm or devastatingly slow strokes on his cock. Ultimately, she controlled the angle and depth of his penetration and the amount of pleasure he could experience. She concentrated totally on her own body's experiences as she continued to ride him as if only she existed. Repeatedly she slammed herself against his body; one thing she couldn't block out was the slap of flesh as their two bodies collided. Or his shallow sharp intakes of breath and his low moans as she rode him.

Buffy could feel her orgasm begin to swell and swirl around her insides, her pussy muscles begin to contract against the ridges flesh that it caressed. Hammering herself down on him as far as she could she began to grind her thighs against his hips. She angled her body for the maximum exposure of his cock to her inner walls and her clit against his pelvic bone. Triggering nerves to fire and cascade bolts of pleasure in and around her abdomen, making her shudder repeatedly against him. For a single second she looked down at where their two bodies joined, lost within her pleasure it was enough to send her into the abyss of orgasm.

Spike pushed his hips up as he felt her internal muscles milk and squeezed his cock; he needed to fill her as much as he could. He trembled against her as his overwhelming need to come himself enveloped him. He watched her face as the sheer elation she was experiencing spread across her face, he just wanted her to look at him and see what she was doing for him. Yet he didn't want to blow any opportunity she gave him to make up everything to her. If this is how she wanted to make love tonight than he would let her, but only tonight. Next time he would set things right. Hearing her quick pants indicated that she was about to come, and he wanted to be there with her as she came.

Feeling her body convulse indicating that she was on the verge of coming, he held himself back for a moment. Seconds later she grabbed his neck again as she free falled into her release, holding herself upright as she came. Spike immediately let himself come, filling her.  She instantly stiffened and jerked herself back. Now she look at his eyes as he glared at her, filled with desire and laden with need, she couldn't miss how they flickered with passion. After a few final shudders of his body against her own, she pulled herself off him and sat silently on the side of the bed. Standing up she grasped the sheet from the floor and put it around herself.

Spike watched her thinking, he couldn't believe his luck when he heard her voice and smelt her perfume. She'd come back to him after that fateful day that karma had been so cruel to them. He still could feel the hurt in his gut as she'd accused him of  thinking of her as nothing but a fuck. To be honest he couldn't have really blamed her after he'd had time to reflect on what had happened between them. All they had done was fuck, nothing more and nothing less with an all-consuming passion.
That's why he'd stayed away from work, to give them space and to think about how he could mend the damage and start again. The right way, but here she was larger than life and better than any wet dream he'd had whilst she was away.

"Buffy," Spike gasped between shallow intakes of breath, "was so good. Missed my girl so much."

"I'm not you're girl!" Buffy grabbed her panties and put them back on. "I came for a fuck and that's what I got."

"Buffy? What?" Spike looked at her with fear and trepidation. "Buffy please?"

"Well Spike as you once said 'it's' been a fun fuck! We must do it again sometime'," Buffy put on her bra, pants and shirt. "I've missed your lovely big dick Spike."

"BUFFY LET ME GO!" Spike roared.

"No Spike," Buffy's face broke out in an evil grin. "I'll make sure that you get rescued. Might be your luck that they might be gorgeous female cops."

"What the fuck do you mean?" Spike tried to remain calm and rationale. "Buffy untie me, now!"

"Sorry Spikey can't do that," Buffy replied shaking her little finger at him. "I'm sure 911 will be able to help." With that, Buffy grabbed a sock that lay on the floor and covered his cock with it. "Have to make you presentable and keep 'little Spike' warm."

"BUFFY LET ME GO!!!"

Buffy walked over to the side table and picked up the receiver and dialled 911, waiting for the telephonist to answer she dropped the phone in his waist. When she heard the 'hello, what is your emergency', she blew a kiss to an irate Spike as she walked out the door and down the corridor. Before she shut the front door, she heard one last final call from her tied up ex-lover.

"BUFFY!"

PULSE 9

By Mercy

NC-17

A/N Thanks to Kar, Meli and slackerace for editing and being my sounding boards. Thanks for the time and effort I know it takes to do beta-ing. Thanks!

Ataxia
(a lack of muscular coordination, lack of precision)


Buffy sat frozen in her car with the door open, unable to move as she heard Spike call out her name once again. It resonated through out her being, shattering her from deep within. Shame flooded into her consciousness, and she became disgusted with herself for what she’d just done to another human being. Her plan to make him feel her hurt backfired in her own face. Her stomach revolted at what she had just done, the bile rising up to her throat and threatening to erupt. She began to shiver and shake with indignity at her treatment of Spike. What in hell’s name had she been thinking when she’d left him tied to the bed and called 911?

Buffy had sunk into darkened depths of herself -- a part that she’d never seen before -- an ominous and desperate side that scared her. Something sinister and malevolent had been born in the last few moments of the ‘game.’ Spike’s ability to dominate her had caused something inside of her to become unleashed and it wanted to humiliate him. She could be assured that he’d never forget what she’d done to him. Looking at the house and the window that was still open; she closed her eyes and quickly turned in her seat and leaned her head out of the car door as the bile made its way from her stomach onto the road.

Wiping her mouth and swallowing back the last of the bile, she could hear the sirens in the distance. Quickly grabbing the cold metal shell of the car door, she heaved herself onto the curb of the street. Buffy struggled to take each step, one foot in front of the other. It felt like an eternity as she made her way back towards the house. With an unsteady grip, she found the door still unlocked, and was able to open it after a few pitiful attempts. The shrill of the sirens grew louder as they came closer, the noise blaring into Buffy’s ears; and, her eyes caught the glow of the blue and red flashing lights.

Quickening her pace, she closed the door behind her and headed towards the kitchen. Opening up one of the drawers, she removed a small, sharp chef’s knife and proceeded to bolt up the staircase towards the room in which she had left Spike. Feeling even more sickened with herself, she opened the door to find him struggling desperately with the bonds with which she tied him to the bed. Hearing the door open, Spike turned his head towards the intruder and stopped dead in his attempt to free himself. The look in his eyes said it all; they were filled with anger, disgust and disbelief.

Breaking eye contact with him, Buffy moved towards the end of the bed, slicing the silk that bound Spike’s feet. In rapid succession, she cut the rest of the silk strips away from the headboard, freeing him from the cast iron rods that made up the bed frame. Putting the knife down on the bedside table, she turned away from the travesty that she had created and walked towards the window. Behind her, Spike rubbed his wrists and ankles with his hands, trying to encourage blood flow into the now painful joints. He couldn’t look at her, not without wanting to grab her and shake her senseless for what she’d done to him. Rage gripped him and made him want to punish her here and now.

Spike opened his mouth to say something to her, but words just couldn’t come. He was just too disappointed at her for doing this to him. Hurt flared in between the feelings of anger and loathing gripping at his very soul. However, it would have to wait; he could hear the loud banging at the front door, and then “open up, police.” Grabbing a pair of jeans that lay on the floor, he sat on the side of the bed as he hitched them up. Standing up, he zipped himself up and began to walk out of the room without a backwards glance. Before he took a step outside of the room, he hesitated and stopped for just a brief moment.

“Don’t even think of leaving. You go and I swear to God I’ll hunt you down,” Spike whispered with a quiet desperation and authority that Buffy wouldn’t dare challenge.

She heard the loud thumps of his bare feet against the wood of the staircase as he descended the steps. She could hear the swinging of the hinges as he opened the front door and the faint murmurs of a conversation between two men. After a few moments, the sound of multiple footsteps could be heard as they ascended the stairs, and the door to the room in which she stood opened fully; however, Buffy’s back was to the door. A stifled laughter filled the room from someone behind her, which finally made her turn around. A male and female officer stood behind Spike, looking curiously at the cut strips of silk that lay on and around the bed. The male officer had a sniggering look on his face and a leering gaze that perused up and down Buffy’s body. In contrast, the female officer was turning bright red in the face, and quickly diverted her gaze from the bed and onto the hunched woman standing by the window.

“Are you alright Miss?” she asked as she elbowed the male officer. As Buffy could only nod, the officer continued her questions. The question was rephrased. “Are you hurt?” followed by another shake of Buffy’s head.

“His not hurting you is he?” The male police officer continued to probe Buffy for a reaction.

In response, Buffy’s gaze flickered and faltered as she spoke with a quiet and just audible voice. She replied with a simple “no”. For just a few seconds, her eyes locked with Spike’s. With that, she swiftly broke all contact with him and turned back to staring out the window, despite the fact that she saw nothing of the view outside. Not even the brightly flashing red and blue lights of the police car caught her eyes. Behind her, she could feel a hand touch her arm; looking down at it, she saw the small hand of the female officer grasp her upper arm.

In a quiet whisper that only she could have heard, she asked her questions again. “He’s not forcing you to do this, is he? Is that why you called us?”

“No he’s not forcing me to do anything and he hasn’t hurt me,” she spat out as she violently pulled away. “I hurt him.” Buffy quickly made her way over to Spike and pulled up his wrist to show the wounds. “See, I hurt him. I forced him to do this…Me…not him.” Finally she couldn’t hold it in anymore she stumbled towards the bed, sitting on the edge with her arms wrapped around herself as she rocked; the tears beginning to silently pour down her face.

Shocked and stunned by Buffy’s admission, the female officer backed herself towards her co-worker. She pulled him out of the room and towards the staircase, indicating to Spike that he should come with them. Looking back at Buffy, Spike shook his head as he walked out of the room and quietly closed the door behind him. He motioned for the police officers to follow him down the staircase to the landing below, where he stopped.

“I’m sorry to waste your time but this is a false alarm.” Spike spoke in a soft tone of voice, not wanting Buffy to hear what he was saying. “Things got out of hand and I panicked.” He rubbed his head, his eyes cast to the ground. “We were…um…”

“We don’t like our time wasted, mister…” the female officer paused as she pulled a small notebook out of her coat pocket and flipped through it until she found the right page. “…Mr. Devine. You can’t call us every time you and your missus decide to play kinky games.”

“Officer, like I said, I’m sorry that I called and wasted your time.” Spike’s facial muscles tightened as he tried to contain his emotions. “I thought my girl had left me high and dry, so I panicked. But she was here all along. I got the wrong end of the stick and I fucked –sorry officer –I screwed up.”

“We could arrest you for filing a false report you know.” The female officer continued, “Not only that but…”

“But we won’t, Mr. Devine.” The male officer looked over at his partner and raised his hand for her to stop talking. “This time we won’t. You call us again and I’ll personally book you and put you into the holding cell.” He looked up the staircase and then back at Spike. “Both of you.”

“Like I said, I’m sorry to have wasted your time.” Spike tried to smile at the police officers. “I appreciate it.”

“Okay. Let’s go back to the station and let this gentleman get on with whatever he was doing.”

The female officer looked a little angry at her partner, but nodded her head in agreement and made her way to the front door. Opening it, she let herself out and took the stairs down to the pathway and back to the patrol car. Spike waited for her to get far enough out of hearing range before he finally spoke. Turning towards the male officer, he let out a large sigh.

“Thanks mate,” Spike spoke with a whisper. “I owe you one.”

“No you owe me a lot Spike,” the officer shook his head. “Well maybe a little, but I’d say we’re even now. You get your ‘out of jail free’ card Spike, but just this once.”

“Yeah,” Spike nodded. “How’s your wife?”

“Fine, getting out of the house more than usual,” he bent closer towards Spike. “We both couldn’t thank all of you guys on the ward enough. You are lucky it was me here today Spike, and not someone else. Can I suggest that you have a talk with your girlfriend about not taking your little games so far next time? Because it might not be me banging on your door.”

“Yeah I think we have a lot to talk about mate.” Spike averted his gaze. “A lot.”

“You sure that everything’s alright?”

“Yes,” Spike’s tone became insistent. “You’d better go before your partner gets the wrong idea about us and thinks that you might want to join in with our fun.” He tried to find some humour in the situation.

“Humphh.” The male officer turned himself around and walked out the door, saluting Spike before shutting the door behind him. The front door shut with a resonating bang throughout the now quiet house.

Spike stood alone in the foyer of his house, feeling like he’d just escaped a fate worse than death. Police were notorious for telling ‘tales’ to E.R. staff about finding people in compromising positions. He couldn’t even grasp at the repercussions that it might have had on his work if word had ever gotten out. Spike could only hope that he would never run into the female officer at work or in the E.R. Luckily enough, he’d looked after the wife of the attending male officer a few weeks prior. He’d been a decent and grateful bloke, and Spike could be assured of the man keeping his silence. It still didn’t lessen the anger and hurt that continued to rage beneath the surface of his skin.

Spike took a moment to bury his pride and swirling anger into the innermost depths of himself before going back upstairs to confront Buffy. He let himself become numb as he took the first step towards the stairs and up to the master bedroom.


~~**~~


He found her where he’d left her, sitting on the edge of the bed staring into the abyss of nothing. He walked into the room and grabbed a t-shirt that sat on a dresser near the door, pulling it down over his body as quickly as he could. He took a few steps closer towards her. He hadn’t missed the slight shaking of her frame, the translucent paleness of her skin, or the aloof manner she’d steeled herself with from the outside world. Buffy had well and truly deeply humiliated and offended him; he just couldn’t get his head around what the fuck she was thinking about tonight.

If the objective in her games had been to degrade and piss him off, then she’d done a right royal job of it. He couldn’t wait to hear what she had to say for herself, he wasn’t going to let her get away with what she’d done to him tonight. No matter what the reason. She had a lot to answer for and he wanted to understand her bloody logic.

He wanted answers and he wanted them now.

“So Buffy, do we talk here or downstairs?” Spike asked her. “Or would you like a turn at being tied up and humiliated?”

Buffy flinched at his words as they penetrated through the haze that she’d surrounded her consciousness with. His words scored her being; a cold chill passed through her body as she tried to concentrate on the here and now. She found that she just couldn’t bring herself to focus on him. Dragging her feet in a circular movement, she faced him.

“No,” her voice a whisper passing through him.

“Why not? You’ve done a fantastic job so far.”

“I’m sorry….” she murmured.

“What did you say?” Spike spat out, “you’re sorry?”

“Yes,” Buffy turned her head slightly but stared at his feet unable to look at him. “I said I’m sorry.”

“Not good enough, Buffy.”

“I know.” Tears threatened to fall down as her eyes welled with moisture and her voiced filled with sickening shame. “I know it’s not good enough.”

“You think that sorry is going to cover the…the bloody damage you’ve done?” Spike walked closer towards her, honing in on his target.

“I didn’t…” Buffy’s words refused to come out of her mouth as she became more confused and disorientated. In her whirling thoughts, she tried to comprehend the terrible act where she’d demeaned him so much. She just couldn’t find the words to make anything better because there weren’t any that would make what she had done go away.

“Didn’t mean to do it? Didn’t mean to humiliate and defile me Buffy?” His eyes closed as he let the last few moments of having to talk to the officers flow through him. His gut tightened as the need to lash out at her gripped him; the instinct to retaliate strengthened and exuded deep within him. “You know what, love, you should give lessons.”

“No!” Buffy finally looked at Spike and couldn’t miss the conflict going on inside him stream across his face. His cheek muscles pulled tightly against the prominent bone, the skin hollowing out just below it as he tried to control his breathing. Resentment seeped out from every pore and she felt the atmosphere around them become blunted and rigid. Her voice became cracked and louder as she denied the truth. “No.”

Spike abruptly moved forward and grabbed her around the shoulders, looking for some kind of answer within her vacant gaze. “How Buffy? Just tell me how you could do this to me? What the fuck did I do to deserve this shit from you?”

“I was angry,” Buffy yelled at him. “I wanted you to know how I felt! I wanted you to feel everything that I was feeling!!”

“What, humiliated and used? When have I ever done that to you Buffy? When?”

“Used Spike. Used,” Buffy blurted out. “Every time we were together all I felt like was something that you had sex with. Just a convenient body to fuck.”

“How did you come to that bloody conclusion Buffy?” Spike gritted his teeth; he’d been accused of many things in his life but never using a woman as a convenient fuck.

“Every single time we were together, all we ever did was have sex or you were always trying to get into my pants.”

“Being attracted to you is a crime, Buffy?” Spike still felt confused by her words. “Wanting to be as close to you as I can is wrong? Needing to feel you wrapped around me is using you?”

“You don’t get me, do you?!” Buffy closed her eyes for a second; she had to make it clear to him. Try and make him understand what drove her to do what she’d done tonight then maybe he could…what? Forgive her? She grimaced at the thought as it occurred to her that he may never forgive her for her malicious act. “We never went anywhere except the bedroom, or somewhere in the dark to fuck. You always kept me in the shadows, never out in the real world.”

“That still doesn’t explain what you’ve done to me Buffy. Not by a long shot.” Spike tightened his grip on her shoulders. “I need to get into that pretty little head of yours and see what’s fucked it up so bad that you’ve lowered yourself to this level, love.”

“Don’t call me that.” Buffy cringed at his words.

“What? Love? Why not, Buffy? That’s what you are to me. My lover. Or should I say you were my lover.” Spike pursed his lips together in a malevolent smile. “So for not taking you ‘out in public’, and may I remind you those were your words, I deserved what you did to me tonight?”

“I was hurting Spike, and I wanted to hurt you. Make you understand what it felt like to hurt like me. Feel used like me. You have no idea how sorry I am that it went as far as it did. It wasn’t meant to go like that. My plan was to simply come in, fuck you senseless, and walk away.” Buffy began to tremble as she quietly tried to explain. “I called 911 because…”

“Can’t explain that one away. It was cruel and degrading what you did to me,” Spike sputtered. “I could have handled the fuck and flee, but calling the police takes the cake.”

“How many times can I say I’m sorry?”

“Not enough Buffy. Not even a lifetime of apologies could wipe away the damage you’ve done.” Spike let go of her with a slight push. “Not to mention trying to explain the situation to the cops. Can you imagine what would have happened if this got around work? Try explaining our little game to my boss. That would’ve ended with my reputation destroyed and I’d probably get the sack.”

“Oh my God! I didn’t think.…” Buffy tried not to let the tears flow as she considered the consequences of her actions.

“No Buffy, you never seem to really think anything through.” Spike ran his hand through his hair. He needed to get a grip on himself and try to get some resolve on the situation. “Luckily one of the cops is a friend of mine and he’ll keep his mouth shut. I was lucky Buffy, with no thanks to you.”

“But I came back.” Buffy tried to find something to hold onto as she stumbled backwards towards the wall. “I came back.”

“Would have made no difference, except that it meant they didn’t have to untie me from the bed.” Spike sat down on the bed behind him. “I need to get this straight in my head Buffy. You did this to me because you wanted me to feel like a piece of meat? To feel the same way as you? Make me feel like all I was good for was a quick fuck and that was all?”

“Ye…yes,”

“Even though I never did one thing that you didn’t want me to do to you?” Spike stared straight into her eyes. “You knew who and what I was when we started this Buffy. I never promised you pre-fuck entertainment.”

“Do you have to be so crude?”

“Why not? You’ve lowered yourself and treated me like dirt.” Spike’s eyes appeared to turn a deeper shade of blue. “Dirt that you didn’t seem to mind rolling around in and getting yourself dirty with. Made you scream enough times.”

“Okay, I’m sorry! I’m sorry!” Tears began to roll down Buffy’s face; lines of dew crisscrossing her cheeks. “What do I have to do to make you understand?”

“I understand very well, Buffy. You achieved what you set out to prove.” Spike didn’t let her tears affect him. “I feel used and humiliated. Mission accomplished. You win.”

“But?”

“But what, Buffy? You’re sorry. I hear you loud and clear.” Spike lowered his eyes to the floor. “But I don’t care. You could have tried to tell me how you felt, Buffy. Could have told me a week ago when I turned up at your apartment after the fight we had. Made me understand, but you didn’t want to talk; you said that you just couldn’t. Or was it that you just wouldn’t? Instead, you slammed the door in my face and just shut me out after I begged you not to. So I suppose it’s time I return the favour.”

“I don’t understand.” Buffy wiped her eyes as the tears continued to fall. She should have let him in the night he came to her door. She had slammed it in his face because she just hadn’t been strong enough to face him. Not strong enough to show her vulnerability to him. Instead she initiated this rampage of humiliation and deprivation. A chill went through her spine as she compared the two extremes of her behaviour. She should have let him in, but should-haves wouldn’t clean up this mess that lay in front of her. Buffy doubted that anything ever would. “What do you mean return the favour.”

“It’s simple.” Spike stood up and walked to the door. “Get out of my house.”

With what little dignity she had left, which was close to nothing, Buffy swallowed hard and walked slowly towards the bedroom door. Not being able to look directly at Spike, she walked past the stiff and hardened frame of his body and could feel the icy chill that diffused from him and into the air around him. Buffy took each step as quickly as she could down the stairs and out the front door, swinging the heavy door closed, shutting herself out of the house.

Buffy stopped where she stood on the porch as the gust of wind from the front door closing blew along her back. She leaned against the cold wood panelling, not being able to move any further. It had taken all her internal strength to get this far. Her heart beat so strongly that she could feel it pound in her chest and resonate in her eardrum. Her head felt like it was going to explode as the pain burst along the back of her skull. Every cell in her body exuded with anguish, desolation and tormenting remorse until it could stand no more.

Her body just couldn’t cope with the emotional and mental anguish that she was experiencing. The pain in her skull amplified as the enormity of what she’d done really began to punch its way along her neurons. Her mind dealt with it the only way that it could. It shut itself down. Embracing the empty void that the darkness offered, Buffy denied all reality around her and accepted the release that the void offered. The hard thump of her body hitting the porch’s wooden boards echoed throughout the house.

Spike sat on the bottom of the landing of the stairs, his hands covering his face as he tried to regain some composure. Pressure pounded and bore down behind his closed eyes as his mind screamed in relentless pulsations of disbelief and abhorrence at what had just passed between them. After Buffy had accused him the first time of just ‘using her for a fuck,’ he knew he’d been a total git in the way he’d reacted to her. Obviously he held a stupid notion that she’d known the way he felt about her when they were together. He could have sworn to himself that he felt it when he was inside her. Feeling her come around his cock, in the catch of her voice when she climaxed. Evidently he was wrong.

He seemed to be wrong about a lot of things. He should have listened more closely to her and not taken advantage of their mutual attraction. He couldn’t deny that in the beginning they were just a convenient fuck to each other; the first encounter in the alley most certainly was. Their second time was instigated by him because he was angry with her denying being part of her pleasure their first time. Yet something had changed over the last few weeks and months. Maybe it had been only in his imagination, but he could have sworn that she was beginning to care for him. Deeply care. Maybe…

The noise of something hitting the porch outside broke him from his thoughts. He quickly stood up and walked to the door. Opening it up, he was confronted with Buffy lying on the wooden floor at the edge near the stairs. His immediate thoughts were visions of her falling down the stairs and breaking her skull. Running down beside her, he sat on his haunches as he checked her breathing and pulse. Finding both, he ran his hand down her limbs to find any broken bones. Once satisfied that she did not have any, Spike could only surmise that she’d collapsed from all the strain.

Slowly he gathered her up close to his body and carefully lifted her up from the floor. Walking back into the house, he slammed the front door closed with the back of his foot and walked back up the stairs to the guest room. Laying Buffy down on the bed, he watched as she continued to breathe evenly and deeply, but her face was still strained with all the tainted emotions that ran through her mind. Spike tried to imagine -- despite what she’d done to him -- how she must be feeling now. He had not missed the look of self-loathing and disgust she’d had on her face when she left. He didn’t feel any sympathy for her, he was just too disgusted with her. That didn’t mean that he could just ignore the unconscious woman on the porch. He might be hurt and angry but he was still a man of principle and always willing to help anyone anytime he could.

Even a girl who meant so much to him and had betrayed him so profoundly.

“Don’t think that this ‘faint’ will score you points with me Summers.”

PULSE 10

A/N Thanks top Meli and Kar for their time and effort. To slackerace for coming through for me...and waiting for me to get off my butt and officially post this version. Thanks :)

Reflection
def: REFLECTION, n. An action of the mind whereby we obtain a clearer view
of our relation to the things of yesterday and are able to avoid the
perils that we shall not again encounter. "THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY ((C)1911 Released April 15 1993)"



Spike lay in bed, his mind awash with the events of the night that that had just passed. The sun began to break over the surrounding houses and fill the room with a soft glow. Regret and anger flowed through him, hurt permeated through out every fibre of his being. Memories of emotions, words and time together with Buffy became a jumble of internal conflict. Spike tried to remember what he could have done to make Buffy do what she’d done last night. Spike’s first mistake had been to think everything was just peachy between them, and not recognise the emerging chaos that had shrouded them last night for what it had been.

Fucking chaos.

Thoughts churned and twisted around each other, leaving deep and painful crevices as Spike abundantly self-inflicted anguish on himself. What had he done to contribute to this whole bloody mess? The answer was so fucking simple. Nearly every word that he’d said to her, every moment that had passed between them or any time he’d touch her had contributed to last night’s mess. Memories flashed in front of his eyes as he tried to remember every second that had passed between them. How they’d gotten beyond the first fuck --- and that was all he could describe it as, the first fuck --- baffled Spike.


Rubbing his tired eyes and letting out a long yawn, he just couldn’t succumb to his body’s need to sleep. Spike’s mind wouldn’t shut up from the feelings of hurt, betrayal and denial of what had happened in the early part of the night. The hurt and betrayal he could justify but the denial was just too hard step to take. Denial that he didn’t contribute in anyway to Buffy’s abhorrent behaviour last night which he knew was a load of bollocks. Spike was just too bloody stubborn to perceive that the way he’d been treating the woman he’d begun to call his own was abhorrent in its own right.

Now it was so bloody clear to Spike.

It felt kind of strange having a sudden attack of his conscience considering that he’d been the victim last night. Spike couldn’t ignore the actuality that Buffy had been subjected to some atrocious treatment by him. Especially when she’d tried to tell him the way that she’d been feeling about the relationship, Spike had just dismissed Buffy or anything that she’d tried to discuss with him. Something inside of him snapped into place as he made himself stop dwelling on who did what to whom or who didn’t say the right thing. They’d both done some serious damage to each other and Spike had no idea how they were going to get out of this despair they’d plummeted into.

Where do you go when your world seems to have shattered into shards around you, imbedding its sharp edges into your soul? Making it cry and bleed for something that never really had in the first place and never realising what you did have until it was gone. Spike shook his head as realisations came in the form of cliché to smack him straight across his face --- bloody typical --- his conscience would do this to him. Whatever they’d shared together up to last night had been lost, the intensity of feelings, pleasure and tenderness vanished --- maybe never to be seen again. The thought of that alone sent a shiver down his spine, Spike had to consider where they went from here.

Did he really want to move on from here? The choice was clear: let her go or try and salvage something from the pandemonium if that at all possible. He swallowed hard at just what he was considering, one part of him just wanted to push Buffy so far away that she would be totally eradicated from his memory. Another part of him just wanted to go back to her take her into his arms and kiss the pain away. To forgive her and hope that Buffy would forgive him for everything that he had done to her.


Forgiveness.

That was a concept that he just wasn’t sure how to apply in this situation. He was so wound up and confused as to which way to go, what to do or what to say. Forgiveness was such a contradiction mixed with irony, as if they needed to absolve each other. It created more questions than a simple answer. He wanted to make what happened disappear, or at least help himself overcome the pain he felt. He’d never felt so alone than he did at this moment, trying to make sense of everything. The internal battle raged deep within him, going round and round in circles making him even more confused.


Taking a deep breath he pulled himself off the bed and left the room turning at the doorway towards the guestroom and the cause of his conflict. Spike didn’t understand what carried him towards Buffy, he just knew that he had to see her. No rhythm or reason to explain why he felt something calling him to her. Spike stopped just in the doorway of the guestroom. He leaned on the doorframe for support; otherwise he was sure he’d fall to his knees with a sense of loss he just couldn’t describe.

Buffy lay on the bed facing the door, her body drawn into a foetal position as she hugged herself, the blanket that he’d covered her with lay kicked at the end of the bed. Buffy’s clothes were twisted around her body, rumpled and dishevelled like the girl that lay on the bed. Hair hung half over her face which was still rigid with stress. Her breathing shallow, Buffy looked like she’d been to hell and back.

Spike couldn’t miss the sharp intake of breath or the rigidity of her muscles as he took a small step into the room. Choosing the safest option he could think of Spike made his way to the chair in front of the dressing table, and slowly sat down. He sat directly opposite to where Buffy lay, and Spike didn’t miss the slight squinting of eyes that tried to locate where he was as she continued to try and feign sleep.

“I know you’re awake, love,” Spike spoke almost in a whisper. “Don’t play games. I think we’ve both had enough of them, don’t you?”

“Yes, I guess we have,” Buffy whispered back at him as she opened her eyes and acknowledged his presence. “I’m sorry William.”

“I know that you are Buffy,” Spike ran a hand up and down the back of his head. “Been thinking about it and as fucked up as this is I know that you are. But it doesn’t change anything that happened. Won’t make it disappear like magic.”


“I don’t know what else to say to you.” Buffy pulled herself up to a sitting position on the bed and tucked her hair behind her ears. “What do you want me to say?”

“I don’t know, love.” Spike leaned himself forward onto the edge of the chair. “I’m still trying to understand this whole fucking mess and how the bloody hell we got ourselves into it.”

“I tried to explain why…” Buffy stumbled on her words, “tried to explain to you why I did these awful things to you. But it’s hard when I can’t justify why I did them.”

“Love, I get the gist of it,” Spike rubbed his forehead with the palm of his hand showing his internal frustration. “What we both did to ourselves and each other that lead to this….”

“Did to ourselves? To each other?” Buffy couldn’t fathom what he was saying, it was bad enough that she felt like someone had driven over her with a bulldozer and trying to comprehend what he was going on about was just to difficult. “What I did to you was inexcusable and so vicious. I can’t properly…”

“Something made you do it, Buffy.” Spike moved over to the bed, making Buffy pull her legs back up against her chest as she tried to comfort herself. “This isn’t easy to say Buffy, but we both have something to answer for. You need to understand that being sorry or not being able to explain doesn’t change much. I’m hurt and angry but I’m not such an unfeeling ponce that I didn’t hear what you had to say. Hard to digest what you said, but I would be a git if I didn’t realise that there was some truth to your words.”

“You have every right to be angry with me,” Buffy looked down at her hands which where twisting around themselves, as she held onto her knees tighter. “I did something horrible and unforgivable…”

“Forgiveness? Buffy is that what you want from me?” Spike leaned over and grasped her chin. “I can’t get my head around that right now. What I’m trying to say is that we both have something to answer for. All actions have consequences, as distasteful as they are, and you have to deal with how you acted. I have to deal with what I did that made you so desperate that you’d do what you did to me.”

“I don’t understand?”

“Neither do I, Buffy, and that’s what’s so pitiful about us right now.” Spike lifted her head up higher in his hands. “You have to deal with whatever your demons are, and me….I don’t know.”

“I…”

“Buffy, I don’t really want to hear any more,” Spike stood up and moved away from the bed. “You should wash your face and straighten yourself up.”

“But,” Buffy cringed away from him, “I can’t stand leaving things like this.”

“Too bad. What did you expect Buffy? A bed of roses when you woke up?” Spike turned around to walk out the door looking back he said his final words. “I think that one day I could forgive you Buffy, but not today. Maybe one day we can move beyond all this and be friends? I don’t know.”

Buffy watched as he left the room. Closing the door behind him felt so symbolic, like he was shutting her out of his existence. A single tear ran down her face as she tried to obliterate the pain that cut its way along her body. Trembling, Buffy wiped the trail of moisture from her face. She deserved no better from the man she’d violated so much, but why did it have to hurt so much? Deep feelings that felt so betrayed by her actions last night came to the surface and lashed at her hardened heart, she knew one thing for sure.

“We’ll never be friends,” Buffy whispered to no one.


~~**~~**~~

Buffy sighed as she heard Spike walk down the hall and then as his feet thumped against the stairs as he made his way to the first floor. Gathering what strength she had left, Buffy moved and sat at the edge of the bed, running her hand over the imprint of Spike’s body and wishing that she could take back everything that she’d done the previous night. But she couldn’t. Not a single damn thing she said or did would ever erase last night; her ‘sorry’ would never change anything and that made Buffy feel even more ashamed of herself.

If only….

Shaking her head, Buffy stopped thinking of ‘maybes’ or ‘ifs’ and made herself pull her hand away from where Spike had been sitting. She knew that she just couldn’t leave things as they were, even though Spike had said that he didn’t want to hear anything more on the subject. Buffy couldn’t and wouldn’t leave things this way between them. Spike said that he could understand to some extent why she did what she did. That they’d both done some damage to each other and that both of them had something to answer for.

Something that Buffy couldn’t deny, but that didn’t alleviate any pain or disgrace that she felt. If anything, it only heightened her sense of loss and betrayal of herself in self-denigration at what she’d done. Buffy needed to do something ---anything--- that would help her regain some dignity. She needed to lose the numb emotions she felt and believe in herself or something once more.

Her face tightened as she ran her hands over it, drawing her eyes to the dressing table mirror. The mirror reflected a woman who appeared pitifully drained. Her clothes were all rumpled and stained with dirt and tears. Picking at her sleeves, Buffy decided her next course of action. Pulling herself off the bed, Buffy stood and walked to the door. She allowed herself to rest against the cold wood for just a moment, her ear leaning on the door while she attempted to assure herself that no one was waiting on the other side. Satisfied that no one was, she opened it slightly and peered into the hallway, opening it further when she was sure no one was there.

Stepping out into the hallway with silent footsteps she slowly made her way to the master bedroom, sneaking in like a thief she went over to the wardrobe. Opening the door, she found what she’d been looking for, some clothes that she’d left here when she’d slept over and hadn’t wanted to waste time in going home to change. Grabbing every article of clothing that hung in the wardrobe, Buffy then removed any lingerie that remained in the set of draws. Moving out of the room back into the hallway, she went to the linen closet at the far end, and removed a single towel making her way to the bathroom.

Downstairs Spike couldn’t miss the soft sounds coming from upstairs, he could faintly hear doors open and close, his jaw tightened as he tried to guess just what Buffy was up to. He had a good mind to go upstairs and tell her to hurry up with whatever she was doing, Spike was still surprised that Buffy was still in the house. Turning on the kettle, Spike started to make himself a coffee, as much as he needed something stronger he doubted that it would really help achieve anything.

He frowned as he heard water course through the plumbing within the house. Bloody hell, what next? His jaw muscle twitched as frustration tore through him. When would the chit leave? Hadn’t they said enough to each other? Spike was unsure of what Buffy wanted to achieve by staying in his house. You’d think that this was the last place that she’d want to be. Spike knew that if that had been him, he’d be too ashamed to stay. He would have high tailed it out of there when he’d had the first opportunity. Pouring the hot liquid from the kettle into his mug, he stirred the contents and took a sip of the scalding coffee. Scalding his tongue, he did not even cringe. He doubted that today of all days that anything would make him cringe.

~~**~~**~~

The warm water flowed over Buffy as she leaned into the wall with the palms of her hands, her head stuck under the flow of water. Her eyes were closed to the world as she attempted to block it out. Droplets of water poured into her mouth as she swallowed air, making her gag at times, but she didn’t care. Finally lifting her head to take a long needed breath, Buffy grabbed the soap and began to glide it down her body, grabbing the loofah—something else she’d brought into this house. She began to scrub harshly at her skin, each stroke leaving it red and raw. It was as if she was trying symbolically to wash her misdeeds away. Her skin stung with each forceful passing of the loofah and tears formed in her eyes. Tears not for the physical pain, but for the pain that cried out from within. Spike had talked about cause and effect, well here was her effect. Tears for what she’d done flowed from her eyes, tears of regret for what should have been between them, and tears for the future that they’d never have. Buffy had to make it right—she just had to—even though she knew nothing could be as it had been. There had to be something salvageable from all this mess. Her head hurt as she tried to force the emotions back into herself, but a single ray of hope still shone from somewhere within. Hope for something she couldn’t describe.

Just something. Anything.


Only grief filled the void that now pierced her being; only regret cascaded through her veins and an aching shame filled her heart. Last night she only remembered the hurt and pain that fuelled her to strike out at Spike with such vengeance as she’d tied him to the bed. Now different memories filled her thoughts as misery began to creep inside of her—memories of tender caresses and moments of absolute silence when they made love as they marvelled in each other, and a sense of wounder that she’d experienced with no other man.

Buffy looked at her hands splayed out against the tiles, remembering a time when they were once covered by the man that stood in the kitchen below, entwined with his as they’d moved together in the shower. The way Spike nipped at her neck as she arched her back against him, trying to get him deeper inside her core, and finally when she was about to come—his words of encouragement. “That’s my girl…come for me.”

Buffy flinched at the memory. My girl. Spike had always called her his girl and that’s what she’d wanted to be. To belong to someone, to belong to him. Turning off the shower, Buffy pulled the shower curtain back and stepped out of the bath, dripping water onto the tiled floor. Grabbing a towel, she wiped the moisture from her skin. Stop it! Stop thinking! Stop it! Torturing herself was going to get her nowhere. Stop it. You fucked up. Stop it! After she dried herself off, Buffy grabbed her fresh clothing and dressed as quickly as she could. She then exited the bathroom and headed for the staircase. It was time to get this ‘discussion’ started and see where it took her….and give herself back some dignity.


~~***~~~***~~~***~~


Spike leaned against the kitchen bench, his back to the window as he stood his ground while footsteps came closer and became louder. The rhythmic banging of Buffy’s feet on the staircase became like the beat of his heart bounding and increasing in pace. One hand gripped the bench the other held the coffee that he continued to sip as he awaited her arrival. His gaze honed in onto the archway into the kitchen from the front landing. The air seemed to become electrified as she approached. Spike tried to relax as he spied her feet coming to rest on the bottom stair before she stopped in hesitation, her hand resting on the end of the rail. She still didn’t move from the staircase.

Buffy just couldn’t make herself take that final step that would lead to her confronting the man that filled her with such anguish and conflict. Courage had forsaken and abandoned her making her stop, Buffy hadn’t the fortitude for one more step. A shudder filled her as Buffy remembered a previous conversation she’d had with Melissa, the nurse at work who had tried to get Buffy to see sense and go speak with Spike. Melissa's words were still so clear, “What have you got to lose?” Buffy’s answer had been more of a prediction than a response. “Everything.” That had been the solemn truth, Buffy had lost everything ---she’d gambled and squandered more than she could ever imagine.

“Buffy, get off the stairs,” Spike finally gave in to the daunting silence and spoke. “You can’t hide there all day you know.”

A sharp jolt ran down her spine making her take that final step onto the landing and move her feet to make a trail to the kitchen. With her eyes cast to the ground, Buffy walked over to the kitchen table and halted in front of a chair, grasping its top for support. Spike placed his cup onto the bench, causing a soft clunk of the ceramic against the wood, making Buffy’s gaze snap up as the noise drew her attention. Immediately their glances locked together, Buffy couldn’t miss the fatigue, regret or disappointment that filled Spike’s eyes.

“I’m sorry Spike,” Buffy couldn’t help herself saying it again and again.

“Buffy stop saying you’re sorry. I know that you are and it’s getting old love.”

“I don’t know…” Buffy stumbled on her words.

“Enough.” Spike walked towards where she stood, “I think that we have established you’re sorry, and we need to move on.”

“Move on?” Buffy grimaced. “Move on to where?”

“How am I meant to know Buffy?” Spike tilted his head and lightly scratched his forehead. “It’s just too soon to say what Buffy…I’m beginning to sound like a broken record, but I can’t think about forgiveness at the moment only about getting through today.”

“Oh,” Buffy’s grip on the chair tightened, “I can’t bear the thought of leaving things between us the way they are.”

“There is no more ‘us’ Buffy.”

“I know that, Spike.” Buffy tried to hold back the tears. “Don’t you think that you’ve made that clear to me?”

“Maybe one day Buffy, I’ll wake up and it won’t hurt so much that I wish that I’d never laid eyes on you.” Spike picked up his cup and took another sip. As he peered at her over the cup, he didn’t miss her quickly wiping the moisture from her eyes. “Buffy…”

“Do you regret what’s happened between us so much?” Buffy felt herself begin to tremble. “Regret everything before last night?”

“Yeah, some things, Buffy.” Spike placed the cup on the bench and walked to where she stood. “I did a lot of things that I’m ashamed of and never should have done to you. Like I should have listened to you more and I regret hurting you the second time we slept together ---you know, in the physio room. I should have done a lot of things Buffy, but I didn’t and it’s all irrelevant now. Payback’s a bitch hey?”

“Spike…”

“Buffy please leave it alone. I think that we’ve both rehashed things enough,” Spike fought back a yawn. “I’m tired and nothing’s going to change today.”

“But…”

“But nothing, Buffy. Just let it go,” Spike said quietly “I’m trying too.”

“I don’t want to let it go,” Buffy spat out. “I don’t want to. Not yet.”

“Then just what do you want Buffy?” Spike had had enough of her giving him the run around. “What do you want from me that would make it all better for the little lost girl?”

“That you’ll try and forgive me,” Buffy closed her eyes as if to making a wish. “That you won’t let us go and maybe just maybe we can salvage something worth fighting for.”

“And how do you propose we do that Buffy, if I forgive you all?”

“We could start by trying to be civil to each other,” Buffy face shone with hope, “maybe even become friends one day.”

Spike mouth dropped open at her suggestion. She wanted to be friends after what had happened last night? He turned around so that she would see the indignation flash across his face and him bitting his lip as he tried to stifle the ridiculing laugh that tried to break from his throat. Yet somewhere deep down inside himself Spike couldn’t help but feel the pull from unknown feelings to try and be just what she wanted. He didn’t know if he could do it, but maybe just maybe he might try to be what she wanted.

Friends.

PULSE 11

By Mercy
A/N: This is a very angsty chapter and since it’s been a while since I posted, may I suggest that you might enjoy re reading this fic…or you may get lost as it refers back to previous chapters. Very yummy smutty chapters…

My thanks to my beta readers Karbear57 , Meli_77 and slackerace as always I am in their debt for all their time and amazing effort that they put into helping me. Thank you.

Bittersweet Misery


Buffy sat on her sofa in her apartment with her legs curled against her body. She’d been looking blankly at the television screen for about the last ten minutes. Thoughts of disappointment and failure surged through her mind, making it impossible to concentrate on the reality of the outside world. Buffy wanted nothing more than to shed these notions and feelings as she continued to emotionally put herself down. She knew that it wasn’t going to get her anywhere by dissecting what happened the other night between herself and Spike.

That night two weeks ago when she’d made one of the biggest mistakes of her life.

Well, one of three of the biggest mistakes. The first was obvious tying Spike to the bed to use and humiliate him.

The second was in impaling herself with so much self-loathing that she had almost drowned. All Buffy did in the end was give all her power of self over to Spike and watch him take no real responsibility in what had happened. Buffy had implored for forgiveness from him, when the real person that needed forgiveness that night was from herself.

The third mistake had been in her desperation to try to retrieve something from last night. She vaguely remembered asking Spike to try to let them salvage something of the tragedy that had become their relationship. A slight shudder past through her as Buffy concluded that had their positions had been reversed; she doubted that she’d be interested in saving anything. Even considering the thought that Spike might be interested in trying to save something was ludicrous.

Her mind snapped back out of the self-hate session and flipped to the present as a scream pierced the air. It took Buffy a few seconds to realize that it had come from the television and not from her own mouth. Shaking her head, Buffy looked at the clock that was perched on the wall above the television set.

11.38 PM

Taking a deep breath, Buffy grabbed the remote switching the television off as she got up off the sofa and headed towards her bedroom. Maybe sleep would bring her some relief from the hellhole that she’d created around herself. Sleep would give some relief from the dejection Buffy felt as she’d plunge herself into its oblivion of dreams and shadows --- snap out of it! --- Buffy’s mind screamed at herself.

Dragging her pyjamas on, she slid between the cotton sheets and pulled the covers up to her chin. With a sigh, Buffy tried to relax as her mind filled with the memories of repercussions and shadows of self-doubt. However, somewhere in the deep recesses of her mind flashed the reminiscences of burning passion and desire that they’d shared. Caresses and kisses that had scorched her skin and made her wither in abandonment that cruel and fateful night two weeks ago.

Conflict became the dominating feeling, she wanted to forget and move from where she was at the current time. Yet something deep within did not want to let him go, even after everything that had happened. Buffy did not want to let go. Nevertheless, did they have something worth struggling for? That was something that she needed to decide and to do that, Buffy needed to do something that she dreaded down to the marrow in her bones.

Buffy needed to face Spike.


~~~~~~~~~~~*****************~~~~~~~~~~~

Spike sat on the barstool, tapping his finger against the small glass that held the straight Jack Daniels he just ordered from the barman. He looked deep into the amber liquid contemplating what a bloody mess his life had become and Spike wondered what she was doing at this very moment in time.

Sighing, he grabbed the glass and threw its contents down the back of his throat, slightly shaking his head as the burning sensation poured downwards and embraced his throat. Slamming the glass down, he swallowed the liquid down hard as Spike allowed himself the gratification of the warmth it gave inside his body. Licking his lips, Spike lifted the glass of the table and getting the barman’s attention with an “Another.”

Spike knew that getting blind drunk wasn’t going to change anything, but at least it gave him a few hours away from these empty feeling. It let him have a fleeting moment of being found in the sea of loss that he’d been experiencing since Buffy had last spoken to him. A haven from the outside world and the reality that he’d well and truly fucked.

His attention drew suddenly away from the empty glass as an open packet of cigarettes was placed in front of him. Making Spike look up at the pretty blonde that offered them to him, she softly smiled as she motioned for him to take one. All he could do was weakly smile at her as she stood behind him. Spike opened his mouth ready to thank her for her offer and not to waste her time on the likes of him, but something made him hesitate.

Something made him stop.

A vision of Buffy flashed passed his eyes as he realised that he’d had enough of everything and maybe the company of another woman might make his pain dull a little. Making his mind up, Spike motioned for the blonde to sit down to him in the next stool. He took one of the cigarettes that she offered and pulled out his Zippo, deeply inhaling oxygen laced with cigarette smoke as Spike lit it.

“Thanks,” the woman nodded her head in appreciation as she sat down. Taking her packet of cigarettes back she took one out herself and lit it up. “Ashley,” she continued as she put her hand out in greeting, “my friends call me Ash.”

“Spike,” he grasped her hand squeezing it gently as he shook it. “Thanks for the smoke.”

“You’re welcome,” Ashley beamed at Spike an even broader smile than before. She asked the barman for a drink with one of those strange and weird names that Spike could only assume was a fancy mixer drink. “You are here by yourself?”

“Yeap,” the barman had by now replaced the empty glass with another filled with more amber fluid and placed a tall glass and bottle in front of his companion. “All by my lonesome.”

“So are you?”

“What?” Spike looked at her with his eyelid raised in question.

“All by your lonesome?” Ashley lifted herself closer to him as she leaned into the bar. “Don’t want to be treading on someone else territory.”

“Not treading on any body’s territory, pet.” Spike spoke with his voice laced with regret and hurt. “Just littl’ old me. All alone in this world.”

“Doesn’t sound like you mean that,” Ashley placed a finger on his arm as she ran it up and down along the sleave of the leather duster that he wore. “Sounds like she’s still crawling around inside you somewhere.”

“Pardon?” Spike looked bewildered at the woman that sat next to him.

“You don’t sound convincing enough when you say that you’re a single man,” Ashley took a sip of her drink. “No conviction in your voice. I can hear her clawing away at your sides.”

“You sure do talk in riddles,” Spike shook his head and almost whispered. “Why can’t you bloody women just say what you mean.”

“See, my point exactly,” Ashley took a deep breath in as she took a drag of her cigarette. “Someone’s got you all tied up inside so much that you don’t sound convinced about yourself when you say you’re single. Comes through in you’re tone and body language.”

“You a shrink or what?” Spike really wasn’t up to being analysed tonight. He just wanted to leave everything that had haunted his life up to this night alone for a quiet moment in time.

“Nope, just a girl looking for a night out,” Ashley looked over her drink. “That’s all.”

“Who says that I ain’t either,” Spike raised an eyebrow as he felt himself head into dangerous waters.

He knew that the alcohol that he’d consumed had numbed some of the pain and was making him throw caution to the wind. Disjointedly, Spike started remembering what Buffy had done to him and all the pain and shame he’d been feeling about what he’d done to her. Spike should have been enjoying the beautiful woman’s company that sat beside of him but he just couldn’t. As somewhere deep inside of him the need for another burned deeply. --- Bugger it! --- Why was he feeling this way when they weren’t even a bloody couple?

‘Even a couple’...

Spike rubbed his forehead as if a bolt of pain speared through his brain, he swallowed hard against the bile that rushed up from his stomach. Things that Buffy had said to him in the last few days started to make sense to him. Spike found he had some insight to her predicament and understanding in her inability to rationalise why she’d wickedly tied him to his bed and fucked the living daylights out of him made some inexplicitly stupid sense.

FLASHBACK

“I still want to know you. Be with you.” Buffy had said to him one time after they’d fucked.

“Then understand this Buffy, I will be demanding and possessive of you. If you give yourself to me Buffy, I want it all. All or nothing, or you might as well get dressed and leave.” Spike had demanded from her…all or nothing.

END OF FLASH

“All or nothing.”

It all made sense, he’d laid it all out for Buffy at the beginning, what he’d expect from her and had never given anything back that he had demanded from her. Bloody hell he had never even tried to return any of the emotional passion that she had offered him every time they’d been together. Too much of a fucking blind git to see the gift that she had presented to him with every kiss and every caress.

All he had seen had been the beautiful body that trembled when he touched her and the way Buffy had given him the most pleasure that a woman ever had in his life. Spike had missed every other bloody thing she had ever offered him and had treated her with what some would say was contempt.

What a fool he’d been and what made it worse was the fact that he still wanted everything that Buffy had to give him. Every morsel she offered him, Spike now craved with every cell in his body. Spike would need some major attitude adjustment; he knew that and hoped that it would be enough to help heal the rift between them.

Spike still wanted Buffy. Nevertheless, the thing that really mattered was would Buffy want him after all that he’d put her through? Could they take back the hurt and pain to start again? Build something from the rubble that they’d created around them.

Could they?

“Hey Spike,” Ashley clicked her fingers in front of his eyes as he looked like he was a million miles away. “Space Control to space cadet. Calling space cadet.”

“Oui!” Spike’s brows furred together in irritation at being interrupted while deeply in thought as he shook his head a few times. “Sorry.”

“So, you’re just looking for some fun?” Ashley turned her head slightly so that her hair flicked back. “Maybe we could hook up?”

“Sorry, pet,” Spike picked up the drink in front of him and threw it down his throat. Looking up behind the bar, he noticed a clock and read the time. 11:38 PM. “Got to go and see about a girl.”

“So, you’re not all by your lonesome?” Ashley pouted and sized him up as she stared up and down his body. ”Pity, such a waste.”

“I’m sorry to skip out, pet,” Spike nodded to the young lady. “Hope you find yourself a good bloke.”

“For what it’s worth, good luck,” Ashley looked down at her drink. “Hope she’s worth it. If it doesn’t work out, you know where littl’ me is.”

Spike pulled out a few bills and threw it on the bar, nodding towards the barman, Spike pointed to their respective glasses. “Keep the change.” Looking at the woman next to him he asked, “I know she’s worth it. But am I?”

“If she doesn’t come around, you know where I am,” Ashley smiled at him.

“Thanks,” Spike stood up and walked out to the front door of the bar pulling it open, as he left with a gust of wind behind him.

Spike had now no other intention but to find Buffy and doing something about this miserable excuse of a fucking mess that they had pushed themselves into. He now only realised stupidly after the bloody chaos, just how much Buffy meant to him. Spike had been too wrapped up in himself to see it; he now saw what they had together with such clear clarity.

With such clarity, that he could have wept with the fact that they could have thrown it away. Maybe they do have a chance, just maybe. Spike wouldn’t know until he saw Buffy and that fact became the only one that his mind could comprehend.


Spike needed to face Buffy.


~~~~~~~~~~@@@@@@@@@@~~~~~~~~~~@@@@@@@@@@~~~~~~~~~~


Sighing, Buffy took the keys out of the ignition with a sense of loss. Her plans were thwarted. Spike hadn’t been at his home, Buffy surrendered to the fact that tonight there wouldn’t be a reckoning and slammed the door shut in frustration as she got out of the car. Buffy quickly walked towards the front door to her apartment building, looking downwards she never noticed the solitary figure sitting on the stairs with a lit cigarette in their hand.

“Buffy,” she snapped her head up to find Spike addressing her, here in front of her home. Flicking the butt forward onto the street, Spike stood pushing his hands into the leather duster that lay draped over his body. “You’re out late, Love.”

“Spike...what are you doing here?” Buffy stumbled on her words, flabbergasted that he was standing in front of her.

“Came to talk,” Spike mouth formed something between a slight smile and an awkward disfiguration of his face. “Been out tonight?” Spike enquired.

“No...No,” Buffy’s forehead furrowed in confusion, she still couldn’t believe that he’d been sitting waiting for her on the front step. --- Why? --- was the question that immediately came to mind. “Not out tonight.”

“Rather late for ‘not going out’?” Spike titled his head slightly. “Just got home from work?”

“No,” Buffy shook her head; she felt her throat close over as she shivered slightly against the shock of him being in front of her. “What are you doing here Spike?”

“Already told you that, Love.” Spike moved closer to where Buffy stood. “Here to have a little natter with you. I’m hoping that we could really talk, Love.”

“I thought that you’d said everything that you wanted to say.” Buffy felt herself turned inside out as her resolve to talk to him evaporate right in front of her.

“I think that I said everything that I shouldn’t have said to you, Buffy.” Spike stared at her with such a sad look in his eyes. “Things said in the heat of the moment.”

“What?” Buffy stopped breathing.

“What a fucking git I am,” Spike looked down at his feet, “And a selfish bastard to boot.”

“I don’t understand.” Buffy couldn’t help but wipe a tear from her face as she heard the tenderness in his voice. Her insides felt like they were being torn into two, a part of her wanted to jump for joy in Spike’s self-recrimination and wrap itself around him. The other half wanted to rejoice in this admission and tear him apart from the inside out. “What are you saying?”

“Can we discuss this elsewhere, Buffy?” Spike pointed towards a few windows where the curtains were pulled aside. “Could we go up to you’re apartment?”

“Ummm…” Buffy couldn’t find the words.

“If you’re uncomfortable maybe we could go to the diner down the road,” Spike pointed down the road. “You know the one. Where we…”

“I know the one, Spike,” Buffy quickly replied as she hesitated to remember the delicious memories of what they did behind the diner one hot and balmy night.

“Where we ate lunch that one time together, Buffy.” Spike shook his head slightly. “That’s all I was going to say, Love.”

“I’m sorry,” Buffy looked away from him.

“I think that I’ve heard enough of ‘sorry’ from you Buffy,” Spike took her hand in his as held it tightly in his palm as it quivered. “Maybe it’s time I said it to you for a change. But, not here.”

“No, I don’t want to go to my apartment,” Buffy didn’t know if she could handle having him on her home turf. It would mean that his being there would be on her terms and doubted that she was ready for the feelings of familiarity of her ex-lover being in her home. “And I don’t want to go to the diner.”

“Oh,” Spike looked awkwardly at her, as he perceived this as a rejection at his suggestion at their talking together. “Right then. I’ll be off then.”

It took a few seconds for Buffy to realise that he’d walked past her and was making his way towards his car. Buffy shook her head a few times to clear her thoughts, clearing all the indecisive thoughts from her mind. She turned and quickly made her way to where he now stood with his door open on the driver’s side. Standing in front of the open door and using it like a pseudo shield to protect herself, Buffy took a deep breath.

“Wait,” Buffy asked of him, “It didn’t come out right. I mean that I want to go somewhere else. Somewhere that there hasn’t been an ‘us’ to make things harder to deal with.”

“Where then?” Spike swallowed hard in relief that she hadn’t dismissed the notion of talking or worse rejecting him. “Anywhere you want to go, Buffy?”

“It’s late,” Buffy looked at her watch. “There isn’t really anywhere to go.”

“We’ll find somewhere, Buffy.” Spike lifted his hand away from the door and pushed a stand of lose hair away form her face. “Do you think that you could trust me, Buffy?”

“Yes,” came out as a whisper so soft that it could hardly be heard. “I think that I could trust you.”

“Then we’ve got something haven’t we?”

“I suppose,” Buffy looked at her arm as he gave it a reassuring gentle squeeze.

Spike moved away from the car door, walking pasted her to the passenger side and opened the door for her, gesturing with his hand for her to get in. With no reluctance, Buffy walked around the car, getting in without once making eye contact with him. As she put her seatbelt on, Spike shut the door as gently as he could and made his way back to the driver’s side. Putting the keys into the ignition, he fired the engine and pulled away from the curb of the street.

“Where to my lady?” Spike asked his passenger.

“Anywhere but here.”


~~~***~~~***~~~***

They travelled in silence as Spike made his way out of the city and towards the surrounding hills of Sunnydale. Spike stole glances of Buffy as she stared out of the window. She looked so lost and forlorn as not once did she look his way. He thought that maybe if she did that, Buffy would panic and want to go back home and that was the last thing that he wanted to happen. So, he accepted the sad fact that she wouldn’t even give him a sideways glance. Spike could only question himself why she wouldn’t look at him; he hoped that it wasn’t a bad omen or that she was regretting her decision about getting into the car with him. He sighed as he struggled to keep silent and not say a word or syllable to her.

“Here,” Buffy suddenly broke her long silence as she pointed to her side of the window. “Turn here.”

Slamming on the brakes and looking in the rear-view window for other traffic that thankfully wasn’t there, Spike indicated to turn left and onto a dirt road. The car jostled along the road that was surrounded by forest and dimly lit by the moonlight. Spike could hardly make out the two tracks under the car and slowed down as they approached an opening that appeared in front of them.

As the car came to a halt, Spike could see the city lights that shone below from the viewpoint that lay before them. Buffy undid her seatbelt and got out of the car, slamming the door as she shut it. She walked a few feet from the car, coming to a complete stop to sit on a low rising rock formation, sitting down on its rough surface. For a few seconds she looked back towards the car, scrutinize Spike as he just sat in the car, watching and waiting for an invitation to join her.

“Spike?”

Buffy gestured for him to join her on the rock before turning around again to look at the view of the city. She could hear the door swing on its hinges as it groaned at being opened slowly and the ricocheting of metal against metal as he closed it. Buffy listened to the sound of the crunch of grass as he walked closer and closer to where she sat. When all she could hear was the rustle of leaves in the wind, she turned and looked up at the man that stood behind her.

“Sit down,” Buffy looked back down at the rock and shuffled over to give him some space to be seated. When he’d made himself comfortable Buffy continued, “My dad used to bring me and my sister here.”

“Never had much to do with the old man myself,” Spike whispered his voice laced with regret. “He’d never do anything that wasn’t in a bar.”

“You had problems with your dad?” Buffy unsurely asked him.

“Yep.”

“He drank?”

“Every opportunity that he could,” Spike looked at her face covered in bewilderment at the disclosure that he was sharing with her. ”Took it out brutally on my mum and eventually me.”

“Ohh.”

“But I ain’t using his behaviour as an excuse for my own or as a sob story, Buffy.” Spike pulled out a cigarette and held it up. “Mind if I have a smoke, Love?”

Buffy shook her head in reply, “You never said anything and I know that you aren’t using it as a sympathy pull.”

“I’ve never used a sob story on anyone. It’s not something in my past that I’m proud of, Love.” Spike lit the cigarette and blew out a long stream of smoke. “Like I said, it ain’t an excuse for anything that I did to you. Or what we did to each other.” Looking at her with a look of understanding in his eyes, he continued. “We never really shared anything about ourselves with each other did we? Well maybe you, but I was never forth coming was I?””

“I guess,” Buffy sighed.

“I know one thing, Buffy,” Spike locked his gaze with her. “I’m not him and never will be him. He made my mother’s life hell, and for that, I hope he goes to the devil for it.” Spike took another deep inhalation of the cigarette before he continued. “Although with this relationship between us, I think that I treated you no different to how he treated my mum. I’ve been thinking about it and the similarities between him and me with my mum and you. How cruel I’d been to you…”

“Spike, no. I was the one how was cruel to you. I’m the one that tied you to the bed and used you. Not that it had been the first time.”

“No, Buffy. Wasn’t I the bastard that demanded you give all of yourself to me and gave nothing back to you?” Spike accused himself. “Just like the old man did from my mum and I was just to fucking thick to see what I was doing to you. To me.”

“Spike you never hit me,” Buffy tried to find some middle ground for them. “You only ever were gentle to me.”

“But not in my actions or words, Buffy. Never then or otherwise,” Spike closed his eyes for a moment. “I used words instead and denied you the feelings you where having. I didn’t use my fists Buffy, but I wasn’t any better than my dad.”

“Spike, please.” Buffy pleaded with him. “I know what you and I did to each other wasn’t kind but it wasn’t…”

“Buffy,” Spike throw the remainder of his cigarette to the ground and put it out with his boot. “Nothing can excuse how I treated you or even myself.”

“Sounds like we’ve been kind of thinking along the same lines,” Buffy thought that as she sensed his own self-disgust in his voice that she was to familiar within her own thoughts and words. “Do you think that maybe we’re being just too hard on ourselves and each other?”

“No, I don’t,” Spike took her hand in his and with a tone of regret that penetrated every word he said. “Everything that we’ve been through has given me an insight into myself that I’ve never had before.”

“I don’t understand?”

“I’ve come to realise that I had some responsibility for you that night and all I could think about was what happening to me. That I needed to forgive you, when what I really needed was to look into myself and see the monster that lies within me. Let me see the selfish bastard that I’ve been.”

“Spike…”

“Let me finish, Buffy.” Spike tightened his grip on her hand to quieten her. “To see that you needed me and I treated you like a play thing for my pleasure. The git that I am, that let things happen the way that they did and let something go that I realise now that I really want.”

“Wh… at?” Buffy lips trembled as she asked.

“You,” Spike whispered. “You as my friend or whatever we’re meant to be.”

“It hasn’t been all take on one side, Spike.” Buffy clasped her hand over his that held hers. “Remember who started all of this, Spike. Me. Me and no one else. I was the one that grabbed you in the alley and used you to feel something instead of the numbness from horror of the E.R. from the gas blast.”

“But I then...” Spike interrupted her.

“Enough,” Buffy shook her head as the tears started to pour down her face. She couldn’t stand it any longer, the pain or the recriminations that they were pouring out to each other. It was just too much; all Buffy wanted was to move forward. “Please no more. Lets both stop tearing each other and ourselves apart. I meant everything I said the next day. I want you to forgive me for what I’ve done to you.”

“I do, Love. I do but you need to forgive me, too.” Spike shuddered against her. “I need to do something about this. I need to know that you’re alright and that you need…”

“Me?” Buffy finished his sentence for him. “I need all of that too and I need to make you realise that I feel exactly the same way about you?”

“Feel the same?” Spike said softly with some hope.

“That we weren’t kind to each other or ourselves,” Buffy tightened her grip on his hands. “I think that we can forgive each other, but we really need to forgive ourselves and then we can move on.”

“To what?”

“I don’t know, Spike.” Buffy spoke with strength and resolution resinating through her voice. “But while we’re looking maybe we could start where we should have in the beginning.”

“Friends?” Spike looked a little said as he remembered that she had asked him once before could they ever be friends.

“I don’t want to be your friend."

Pulse 12

Beginning

“Friends?” Spike looked a little said as he remembered that she had asked him once before could they ever be friends.

“I don’t want to be your friend."


“I doubt that I could ever be your friend,” Buffy continued with her words entwined with repentance and infused with something else that resembled hope. “We have too much hurt and regret surrounding us not to have damaged each other. Even if we tried to be friends, I think that we’d keep gnawing at each other until there was nothing left because we’d be denying the other to much.”

“You’re speaking gobble-de-gook, love.” Spike shook his head in confusion. “One minute you’re talking about forgiveness and the next you’re saying that you don’t want a thing to do with me. What’s it to be? Are you with me or without me?”

“Spike,” Buffy leaned over and laid her head on his shoulder. “I’m not sure what I mean…I think that being without you would just be too much to abide.”

“Awh, love. What are we doing to ourselves?” Spike head began to ache in the complexity of the mess that they’d made for themselves. “Too fucked up to walk away and too frightened to move forward.”

“Forward is the only way we can go,” Buffy sighed softly. “As being too fucked up? I don’t know, but I do know that neither of us wants to let the other go. Kinda comes out of left field doesn’t it? So I guess that we’re definitely fucked up…but I can take one step at a time if you can.”

“One foot in front of the other,” Spike let his hand run down her hair in a soft caress and inhaled the floral scent of her perfume.

“I must admit that what you said tonight comes as a bit of a shock,” Buffy pulled away slightly from his warm body. “Why the sudden change of feelings about what happened…about what I did to you?”

“Let’s just say I had an epiphany.”

“A what?” Buffy brow furrowed with questioning doubt over just what in hell’s name Spike was talking about.

“A revelation, love,” Spike replied quietly. “I had a bloody revelation.”

“About us?” Buffy asked. “I don’t understand how you could have such a sudden change of heart?”

“Maybe I realised somewhere deep down that I didn’t want to lose such a beautiful creature like you.” Spike lifted her chin so that she looked straight into the depths of his eyes. “Something inside of me snapped into place just thinkin’ that you could just walk away from me in a millisecond if you wanted too. Something inside of you splintered and I think I can understand why. I ain’t saying that I’m all seeing and knowing to what I did to make you react the way you did. But I’m saying that I don’t want to let you go. That would mean that I’d just have an existence impersonating life. ”

“It’s still such a sudden change of tune?” Buffy looked away unsure how Spike would react to the hesitation mirrored in her eyes. “One minute it’s all ‘I don’t know if I can forgive you’ and now it’s ‘forgive me’.”

“All I can say is that the thought of losing you is too much,” Spike spoke quietly. “I know I hurt you a lot. You called out from the chaos for help that first time and I just kept you there in the darkness of your own shadows.”

“That’s a bit melodramatic, Spike.”

“Maybe, but it’s the truth.” Spike lifted her chin so that Buffy couldn’t avoid his gaze. “Must bring out the bleedin’ poet out in me.”

“Poet?” Buffy’s squeamish smile splayed across her face. “Please explain?”

“Another time and another life away,” Spike looked at her with some amusement in his eyes. “I’ll enlighten you sometime in the future.”

“Future,” Buffy licked her lips. “Is that what we have?”

“That, love, is up too us.”

“How are we going do it?” Buffy looked at him solemnly.

“I don’t know, love. All I know is that I’ll do anything that you want to keep you. Be anything. You know that don’t you?”

“I guess,” Buffy leaned back against him and looked out into the darkness that surrounded them. “I want…I want us. I want to be with you but I just don’t know how.”

“One step at a time, Buffy. One step at a time.” Spike tightened his grasp on her. “We’ll work it out as we go being open and brutally honest with each other. If one fucks up then the other tells them even if it means taking my head and bashing it against a brick wall until I get what you’re saying.”

“How can I open and honest to you when I don’t even understand myself anymore to know when I’m being even honest to myself? Let alone to you?” Buffy quietly asked him.

“Don’t fret over it. Love, you already said that you want there to be an ‘us’ and that’s a bloody good beginning if I ever heard one,” Spike reassured her. “Let that be enough for now. Just focus on that and the rest will come.”


~~~***~~~***~~~

The drive back to Buffy’s apartment was done in silence as both contemplated what had transpired between them this night. Spike, just drove in quiet shock and disbelieve that they’d been able to try and build something from the turmoil that had been shrouded around them. Buffy sat mulling over what they’d said to each other. There had been no real closure between them it would have just have been impossible to expect anything different. Instead she felt as if a load had been lifted from her shoulders, Buffy felt good about herself for a change as optimism replaced self flagellation.

Spike turned off the ignition as the car came to a halt out the front of Buffy’s apartment. They both looked out the front windscreen watching the cars pass them as they sat neither wanting to be the first to make a move to get out. Both had wondered what the first step would be in moving forward and it would appear that it had just manifested itself in this moment in time. The air in the confinement of the car quickly became thin and humid as each struggled to find the right words to say.

“Workin’ tomorrow?” Spike broke the silence.

“No,” Buffy’s fingers clenched together. “You?”

“Nope.”

“Oh.” Buffy’s voice but a whisper.

“So you’re a free agent?” Spike asked quietly.

“I guess.”

“You guess?” Spike tried to surmise whether she was trying to avoid answering because she was nervous or evading him.

“Yes, I’m free.”

“Good.”

“Why?”

“I’m going to take my gir…you out for a ride,” Spike turned and saw the blood drain from Buffy’s face. “A bike ride.”

“Oh, a bike ride,” her cheeks became reddened with embarrassment. “What about your accident? Wasn’t your bike damaged?”

“Only a few scratches. We’ll go where ever you want,” Spike opened his door and got out only to come around and open the passenger door. “Sleep on it and tell me in the morning.’

“Alright,” Buffy got out and walked up to the door of the apartment block. “I’ll let you know.” Opening the door she looked back silently and stared at Spike in somewhat loss not sure how else to respond to him.

“Buffy,” Spike halted her before she closed the door behind her. “Do you have a leather jacket?”

“Umm, no I don’t.”

“Leave it with me then. I reckon that I’ll have one somewhere that’ll fit you.” Spike looked her up and down for size, not that he really need to as he knew her body as well as she did herself. Buffy also couldn’t miss the obvious flare of desire that lit his gaze as he sized her up or the tic that played along his cheek bone when ever passion burned inside his veins.

“Night, Spike.”

“Buffy,” Spike caught her arm just as the door was about to close.

“Yes?” Buffy answered in little more than a shaky whisper as fear ricocheted in her gut spinning uncontrollably that she’d drag him back up to her bed to fuck him senseless.---No. No. You’re meant to say ‘no’.--- “No.”

“No?”

“Nothing…forget it.” Buffy looked away from him as she began to feel her top lip quiver. A sign that she knew he’d know straight away was a clear sign that she wanted and need to feel him on top and inside her body. With a gentle pull of her arm she broke Spike’s grip on her limb letting out a sigh of regret as she broke the bodily contact.

“Reckon’ that you’d look smashing in leather.” He immediately saw the slight simmer of her upper lip and knew exactly what she was thinking. “Or nothing at all.”

“Night, Spike.” With that she slammed the door and took a step back from the sheer force of the splintering crash. The force of the slam mimicking the compulsion of fear that now threatened to over take her sense and drown out everything that was around her except for the run off heat and need that pooled between her thighs.

One thing was obvious he still wanted her.


~~***~~~***~~~***~~

A light kiss permeated along her outer thigh, her body tingled with need as a gentle hand caressed her inner thigh spreading her legs even further apart. She reached down, letting her hand move through the short hair, feeling its curls give way as her fingers divided them down his skull. His hair felt rough on her finger tips as the gel that held it in shape gave way, releasing its grip on each fine hair making it soften in texture.

Soft kisses continued down her thigh until they reached the apex of her legs and she could only feel the soft inhalation and exhalation of breath on her abdomen which clutched with a burning craving of pleasure. As if in hearing her call for fulfilment, lips began caressing her abdomen with tender probing kisses mixed with light swipes of the tip of his tongue. Making her rear back slightly against the hands that now held her down on the bed with her hips. Buffy pulled harder on his hair in total abandonment fuelled by a roaring rush of heat that now raged through her and throbbed at her clit.

“Please,” her voice a pleading whisper to the man that filled her with an incomprehensible desire that she couldn’t explain in words. Only could Buffy express it in the response of her body to his as she begged him, “Harder.”

Hands that held her hips released their grip and snaked their way around the bottom of her legs, squeezing her buttocks as they traced their way along her hips until his fingers came to rest hugging around her inner thighs. She felt just the tips of his fingers moving down until they brushed against the side of her labia pulling gently at her pubic hair. Letting a finger on each side slide in-between the lips of her pussy, pulling them gently apart to feel the moist flesh that burned to be touched.

Her body jarred as she felt the first tender swipe of his tongue on her clit as he teased the bud with out mercy. Buffy almost ripped out the hair between her fingers in frustration, as he swirled slowly around and around her nub. He answered in kind by pinching the peaked flesh with nips of his teeth enflaming her tender flesh and it seemed like a kind of punishment for pulling his hair so hard. Yet if it was punishment then it was exquisite torment.

“Please,” Buffy whispered hoarsely as her throat tightened with the heightening arousal making it difficult for her to speak clearly.

Lifting her hips up, she offered herself to her lover in a frantic need to have more of him. Buffy felt the invasion of her inner walls with a single digit of his hand as it gently probed deeper and deeper into the moist inner flesh of her body. Rhythmically pushing in and out, coiling roughly as he speared her pussy with each move. Soaring her desire as he added another two digits diving his fingers in and out of her now even wetter flesh.

“Spike, please!”

An annoying buzzing reverberation broke through Buffy’s dreamscape as her slumber became interrupted by that dam sound. Groaning she rolled over and hit the snooze button on her alarm clock but it still continued to grate on her heightened senses. Finally surrounding to the noise, she opened her eyes and looked at the clock. 9:38 AM.

Yawning deeply she pulled the sheet cocooning her body away from her and sat on the edge of the bed. Taking deep breaths as Buffy tried to regain some sense of balance from her unnerving sensual trance created from her dreaming consciousness. Her body jittery for the release denied from being woken before her dreams conclusions and with muscles ricocheting against the reverberating buzz as it continued. She looked again at her alarm clock as it struck her finally that that hideous noise wasn’t coming from it.

“No, no, no,” Buffy pulled herself up from the bed as she realised that the noise was her intercom system attached to her doorbell on the street door. “Alright! I’m coming.”

“What?” Buffy shouted into the microphone of her intercom. Rubbing her forehead as she yawned again into the microphone and getting more aggravated by the minute. “This better be worth it.”

“I’ll make it worth your while,” Spike crooning promisingly and end with a soft chuckled that it would seemed that he’d woken her up. “Still in bed, little girl.”

“I’m not a little girl,” Buffy threw back at him. “And yes I was still in bed thank you. I thought that you were going to ring me first before you came over?”

“Ouch,” Spike mimicked a touch of verbal hurt. “We’ll I’m here as promised. Sorry that I didn’t ring earlier didn’t want to wake you up.”

“Hmmpt.”

“Buffy?”

“Fine.”

“Buffy, I don’t hear the lock opening?” Spike waited for her to open the front door lock from her apartment.

“What?”

“Invite me in,” Spike sighed. “You have to invite me in by opening the door, love, or I can’t come in.”

“Maybe I haven’t decided whether I want you to come in,” Buffy began to torment the man that waited to be let in. “You wake me from my sleep so give me one good reason why I should let you in?”

“Buffy…”

“Come on, one good reason,” Buffy taunted Spike with her voice filled with amusement.

“Cause if you don’t I’ll huff and I’ll puff and blow your house down.”

“You think you’re so bad don’t you?” Buffy shook her head. “Rude to boot waking me up so early.”

“That’s right love,” Spike taunted her. “I’m a bad rude man.”

“You wish,” Buffy pushed the button that released the front door lock to let him have access to the building. “Come up and do it quietly.”

Walking back into her bedroom Buffy grabbed her dressing gown, putting it on as she went into the kitchen turning on the kettle to get her first hit of caffeine for the day. Pulling out a mug, she seized the coffee jar and placed a large teaspoon into the mug with a lot of sugar, knowing that she’d need an extra strong jolt of the stimulant to have an edge today. God knows what Spike had planned for her today and she wanted to be on her toes.

The kettle whistled as the banging on the door sounded announcing Spike’s arrival at her front door, Buffy turned away from the kitchen towards her front door. Looking down at her self, Buffy pulled the lapels of her dressing gown more firmly together and tightened the already taut knot of the belt that held the gown closed. Buffy could only hope that she wasn’t blushing as she remembered her sexual fantasy that she’d been rudely awakened from. She hoped that he couldn’t feel her numbness of discomfort knowing that the man she dreamed of was only a few centimetres from her heated body.

A man that she still desperately needed and wanted with a violent febrile craving. Her life had sure become one fucked up mess.

Taking a deep breath she took slow steps towards the door stopping just short of the handle, Buffy placed her hand over the cool rough texture of the door. She closed her eyes just for a second, allowing her mind to imagine Spike standing there behind the door. Doubt began to creep into her consciousness as hesitation began to flood into her psyche.

Spike noticed the shadows moving in the crack between the door and the floor. Buffy stood a few centimetres from him separated by a thick sheet of wood and he could feel her hesitation even behind the door. Leaning onto the door he let his hand rest on its rough cool exterior and let his ear come to rest just above his hand. Spike could just barely make out her deep breathes as she exhaled, he hoped that she wasn’t going to chicken out on him and refuse to let him in.

“Let me in. Let me in little pig,” Spike whispered through the door.

“I am not a pig,” Buffy pulled open the door with such force that Spike stumbled in through the doorway almost losing his footing.

“Never said you were, love,” Spike grunted as he regained his footing. “Sorry to wake you up.”

“Fine, but I’m not ready,” Buffy pulled the dressing gown even closer to her body.

“I can see that,” Spike couldn’t help but move his gaze up and down her frame. “But I don’t think that what you have on would be any good kinda’ clashes with the leather.” Spike lifted a leather jacket up for her approval that had been lying on his shoulder and in the other hand he held two bike helmets.

“I still have to get ready,” Buffy nodded towards the bathroom door.

“Stating the obvious, sweetheart.” Spike’s brow furrowed deeply in somewhat annoyance. “I’ll be a good boy and wait for you.”

“No,” Buffy replied.

“No? Changed your mind, love?” Bitter disappointment shrouded his face and reflected itself in his eyes.

“No…I need you to leave,” Buffy motioned towards the door.

“No?” Spike hiked the leatherjacket over his shoulder again. “No, you don’t want me here? No, you don’t want to be with me today? Or no, I’ve changed my mind about everything and go away?”

“No, I need to get ready and you need to wait somewhere else but here.”

“Why? Frightened that I’m going to attack you in the shower?” Spike attempted to smile even vaguely at her half relieved that she wasn’t telling him to be gone and the other half frightened that she would anyway.

“No,” Buffy quietly replied, “I’m terrified that I’ll ask you to join me.”

“Would that be so bad,” Spike dropped the jacket to the ground with the two helmets and walked up to her standing only a breath away from her. Lifting a hand to stroke her cheek in a simple caress. “To be skin to skin, touching and being touched? To be wrapped around and filled by me? Would that be so bad?”

“No…I mean yes.” Buffy stumbled over her answer. “Yes it would be bad. Very bad.”

“Why?” Spike let his hand slip down her smooth skin down to her neck and further until it just rested above her breast.

“Because it would be bad,” Buffy sighed as she struggled against her body’s instant reaction to his caress. It was so tempting to just let him touch her, so much that she ached painfully for just a second of bliss. “So scrumptiously bad.”

“How can something so right be so bad, Buffy?” Spike leaned in to kiss her. “When we want each other so much?”

Pulling herself quickly out of his embrace, Buffy wrapped her arms around herself trying to control the slight shudder that racked her body. Turning she fled to the somewhat safety in the kitchen, leaning her hands onto the bench as Buffy inhaled deeply to try and regain what decorum she could. How easily she could have just fallen into Spike’s arms but she knew that could only lead to disaster and straight back into dark habits.

“I can’t,” Buffy finally looked straight at him, “I just can’t.”

“Can’t or won’t, Buffy?” Spike’s brow furrowed in somewhat frustration.

“Both Spike.” Buffy picked up the mug she’d had earlier in her hand. “As much as I want too it would only make things harder on us.”

“How can us sleeping together make things harder?”

“Because…”

“Why won’t you sleep with me?”

“Because sex is what got us into trouble in the first place,” Buffy slammed the mug onto the bench in front of her. “Is that what you’re here for? Just too get back into my bed?”

“No,” Spike’s fists tightened into balls, “I would have had you on your back by now if that’s all I wanted Buffy. Don’t tell me that I couldn’t have you in bed with your legs spread, if that’s all I wanted from you.”

“I…” Buffy felt her throat tighten around its self making her choke on her own words.

“I want more than sex from you and you know it,” Spike moved into the kitchen and moved in behind her encircling her body with his arms. “How many times to I have to say it Buffy to make you believe that I’ve realised that you mean more to me than a roll in the hay? If you don’t want to go to bed than that’s fine with me but don’t think for one second that I’m not going to touch you. Or show you how much I want to feel your skin next to mine.”

“I just want to start with a clean slate,” Buffy let herself lean into him. “Just because I said no doesn’t mean that I don’t want you any less. I just think that sex will complicate things even more and things are fucked up enough with out adding anymore complications.”

Spike let out a soft laughter against her shoulder, “So in other words you want to be wooed?”

“Wooed?” Spike stopped laughing as she shouldered him in the ribs. “Where did you come up with that crap?”

“Sorry, just the romantic in me.”

“You? Romantic?” Buffy snorted in reply. “I’ll believe that when I see it.”

“Believe it, Buffy. You’ll see a side of me that’ll truly amaze you.”

“You are so full of it, Spike.” Buffy softly pushed him back and disengaged herself from his arms. “But you still need to wait for me some where else while I get ready.”

“I promise that no matter how much you call out for me in blazing lust from the shower, I’ll stay out here.” Spike laid his hand over his heart in a child like promise. “As much as you scream out in frustration I’ll be a good little boy and stay away.”

“You’re also a bad liar, Spike,” Buffy laughed at him. “You’d be in there in a flash and stripped…”

“Stop right there,” Spike ran a hand over his face in frustration and made a beeline for the front door. “Point made, love. I couldn’t help myself if you wanted me.” Opening the front door he turned around, “I gotta leave before I do something that I know you’d regret.”

“I just want to start fresh, Spike. With out any sex complicating things…I know how good that is between us. I just want us to know each other more than just the biblical sense of the word.” Buffy tried to smile reassuringly at him but only a cracked smile appeared. “How can we really get to know each other if all we ever do when we’re together is fuck?”

“I understand, love, but I mean get a guys motor runnin’…” Spike started with a soft chuckle and that carnal knowing tilt of his face he did when lust fogged his senses.

“GO!” Buffy yelled at him knowing that every second she stayed with him in her presence was one nanosecond to long towards the short distance to dragging him back to her bed.

Spike quickly made an exit before he dug himself a hole deeper than he was already in. Shrugging his shoulders he closed the door behind him, “Meet me down stairs when your ready, love. For today is a new day.”

“No Spike,” Buffy whispered to herself. “Today is our beginning…”

~~***~~***~~***~~***

Buffy struggled to open the door with both helmets in her hands, hampered by the leather jacket she wore that was too big for her. She wondered who it had belonged to in the past as it obviously was styled for a female and Buffy stupidly hoped that it hadn’t been an ex’s of his. Buffy had sniffed the leather for traces of perfume that hadn’t been evident amongst the slight tinge of leather. The door to her apartment door was reefed out of her hands as Spike pulled it open for her, she watched as he took one of the helmets from her hands.

“Well don’t you look dangerous,” Spike exhaled deeply with a soft whistle of appreciation as a puff of smoke exhaled from his lungs. “Hate to meet you down a dark alley way.”

Immediately a deluge of memories poured through her mind as she instantly recalled the one time that Spike had caught her down a dark alley. God this was going to be so much harder than she thought and it was just a simple day out with Spike. A simple day out with him, complicated with the fact that she wanted nothing more than to fuck his brains out and scream the roof down as he made her come. Shaking her head she tried to regain some composure before she totally lost it, grabbed him and ran back up stairs to her apartment ripping the clothes from his body as she threw him down upon her bed.

Unable to control herself Buffy replied to his comment, “You already have.”

“I know. I still have the scorch marks,” Spike pulled her against his chest so that her now erect nipples brushed along his chest. “I know how real dangerous you are little girl.”

“Spike, please don’t,” Buffy whispered as she twisted herself out of the burning embrace. “Don’t ruin it.”

“Sorry love,” Spike reluctantly let her go and grabbed his helmet from her hand and walked over to his motorbike. “Let’s get this show on the road.”

Buffy looked at him, as he slid himself over the frame of the bike and slipped his helmet over his head. He turned towards her and with his hand patted the seat of the bike behind him motioning her to get on behind him. With a soft sigh Buffy slide the other helmet on her head as she flipped its visor up and gingerly stepped over to the bike. With some difficulty she lifted herself over the frame of the bike and got on the seat behind him.

“What do I do now?” Buffy spoke loudly to him, unsure what to do with her hands and feet.

“Never been on a bike before, pet?” Spike turned his head as he flipped his own visor open to look at her awkward stance on the bike. Buffy shook her head in reply as she slightly shook against him. “Put your feet onto the pedals,” Spike pointed towards the bottom of the bikes frame, “and you can either hold onto the handle at the back of the bike…or onto me if you can keep your hands on my waist, love.” Spike chuckled gently trying to lighten the tense mood that hung between them.

Buffy placed her hands behind her grappling onto the handle behind her too frightened what might flare inside her should she dare touch him. Anywhere. She flipped the visor of the helmet over her face hoping that it would present itself as some kind of shield from his intense gaze.

“Buffy,” Spike leaned over and flipped the visor back up so that he could look directly into her eyes. “Just a few things love, before we go anywhere. You need to make sure that you keep yourself upright while we’re riding and lean sideways a little as we go around bends, you got that Goldilocks?”

“Yeah,” Buffy tersely smiled towards him as he flipped her visor down again.

“It would be easier to follow my lead if you held onto my waist, love, and leaned into me.”

“I’m alright like this, thank you.” Buffy pulled herself back further from his body as she tried to keep herself of his lean body. Temptation was to close to her and she had to keep a clear head to keep him at bay.

“Fine,” with that Spike started the bike with a hard yank of his foot on the starter and pulled the throttle hardly with his hand as the bike roared to life. With a few twists of his wrist he revved the bike and took off with a start that stunned Buffy into making a grab for his waist as she tried to maintain her centre of gravity. What she didn’t see was the smirk that covered Spike’s face in triumph as he sat in front of her with his face hidden by the shading of his helmets visor.

Closing her eyes for dear life she grabbed hard onto his jacket as he quickly approached the first corner he came across. Gritting her teeth she leaned to the left as they speed around the corner and harshly exhaled as they straightened up around the curve. Making a small fist she gently swung down with her hand and hit his thigh, in response her lifted a hand from the handle bar and swatted her on her thigh. Buffy swore that she could hear a chuckle above the load roar of the engine and again went to smack him when he took a sharp right making her again grab onto his waist to hold her self onto the bike.

Making a promise to herself that she‘d make Spike pay when they got to wherever they where going. Buffy gained the courage to open her eyes so that she could keep a track of where they where going and try to enjoy something of their journey. She let herself feel the pressure of the wind fracture whoosh through her body as they speed through the city centre and out into the suburbs they passed. Maybe this wouldn’t be as bad as she let herself think, one thing Buffy knew was that this would be one hell of a ride.

***~~~**~~~***

PULSE
Chapter 13
By Mercy
NC-17 for sexual content
Thanks to Kar for all your help so far
Please note that this is a rough version because I can't wait for your reaction!

Fallen


Buffy struggled to open the door with both helmets in her hands, hampered by the leather jacket she wore that was too big for her. She wondered who it had belonged to in the past as it obviously was styled for a female and Buffy stupidly hoped that it hadn’t been an ex’s of his. Buffy had sniffed the leather for traces of perfume that hadn’t been evident amongst the slight tinge of leather. The door to her apartment door was reefed out of her hands as Spike pulled it open for her, she watched as he took one of the helmets from her hands.

“Well, don’t you look dangerous?” He exhaled deeply with a soft whistle of appreciation as a puff of smoke exhaled from his lungs. “Hate to meet you down a dark alley way.”

Immediately a deluge of memories poured through her mind as she instantly recalled the one time that Spike had caught her down a dark alley. God this was going to be so much harder than she thought and it was just a simple day out with Spike. A simple day out with him, complicated with the fact that she wanted nothing more than to fuck his brains out and scream the roof down as he made her come. Shaking her head she tried to regain some composure before she totally lost it, grabbed him and ran back up stairs to her apartment ripping the clothes from his body as she threw him down upon her bed.

Unable to control herself she replied to his comment, “You already have.”

“I know. I still have the scorch marks.” He pulled her against his chest so that her erect nipples brushed along his chest. “I know how real dangerous you are, little girl.”

“Spike, please don’t,” she whispered as she twisted herself out of the burning embrace. “Don’t ruin it.”

“Sorry, love,” he reluctantly let her go and grabbed his helmet from her hand and walked over to his motorbike. “Let’s get this show on the road.”

She looked at him, as he slid himself over the frame of the bike and slipped his helmet over his head. He turned towards her and with his hand patted the seat of the bike behind him motioning her to get on behind him. With a soft sigh she slide the other helmet on her head as she flipped its visor up and gingerly stepped over to the bike. With some difficulty she lifted herself over the frame of the bike and got on the seat behind him.

“What do I do now?” she spoke loudly to him, unsure what to do with her hands and feet.

“Never been on a bike before, pet?” He turned his head as he flipped his own visor open to look at her awkward stance on the bike. She shook her head in reply as she slightly shook against him. “Put your feet onto the pedals,” He pointed towards the bottom of the bikes frame. “And you can either hold onto the handle at the back of the bike…or onto me if you can keep your hands on my waist, love.” He chuckled gently trying to lighten the tense mood that hung between them.

She placed her hands behind her grappling onto the handle behind her too frightened what might flare inside her should she dare touch him. Anywhere. She flipped the visor of the helmet over her face hoping that it would present itself as some kind of shield from his intense gaze.

“Buffy.” He leaned over and flipped the visor up so that he could look directly into her eyes. “Just a few things, love, before we go anywhere. You need to make sure that you keep yourself upright while we’re riding and lean sideways a little as we go around bends, you got that, Goldilocks?”

“Yeah.” She tersely smiled towards him as he flipped her visor down again.

“It would be easier to follow my lead if you held onto my waist, love, and leaned into me.”

“I’m alright like this, thank you.” She pulled herself back further from his body as she tried to keep herself of his lean body. Temptation was to close to her and she had to keep a clear head to keep him at bay.

“Fine,” with that Spike started the bike with a hard yank of his foot on the starter and pulled the throttle hard with his hand as the bike roared to life. With a few twists of his wrist he revved the bike and took off with a start that stunned Buffy into making a grab for his waist as she tried to maintain her centre of gravity. What she didn’t see was the smirk that covered his face in triumph as he sat in front of her with his face hidden by the shading of his helmets visor.

Closing her eyes for dear life she grabbed hard onto his jacket as he quickly approached the first corner he came across. Gritting her teeth she leaned to the left as they speed around the corner and harshly exhaled as they straightened up around the curve. Making a small fist she gently swung down with her hand and hit his thigh, in response he lifted a hand from the handle bar and swatted her on her thigh. She swore that she could hear a chuckle above the load roar of the engine and again went to smack him when he took a sharp right making her again grab onto his waist to hold her self onto the bike.

Making a promise to herself that she‘d make him pay when they got to wherever they where going. She gained the courage to open her eyes so that she could keep a track of where they where going and try to enjoy something of their journey. She let herself feel the pressure of the wind fracture whoosh through her body as they speed through the city centre and out into the suburbs they passed. Maybe this wouldn’t be as bad as she let herself think, one thing she knew was that this would be one hell of a ride.

***~~~**~~~***

City gave way to suburb as suburb gave way to the winding roads of the country side as concrete gave way to greenery. Buffy quickly learnt how to lean close against the warm body of Spike, as hers moved with his as one in tune with the bike as it gripped the road that they now travelled. She watched the scenery pass by in quiet reflection as enjoyed the freedom that she’d never experienced in a car being on a bike. The sense of protection and trust she felt having him in control of not only her safety but his as well. Maybe it was a lesson that she could learn, one of faith and sanctuary that she could find in his arms if she let herself go just a little more within herself.

She chided herself for being so insipid with him, covering everything with a candy veneer that was laced with a bittersweet taste. A taste that she might just choke on if she rushed into something stupid with these overwhelming feelings that gushed uncontrollably out of her consciousness. She had to remind herself too breathe as she envisaged what exactly all of this meant to her and to him. Her head began to ache with what ifs and maybes that she was beginning to tight around herself and as much as she tried she just couldn’t stop making herself think.

One thing was clear thinking too much was becoming dangerous. What she needed to do was feel and like a sharp slap to the head she remembered that feeling was the thing that got her into this trouble in the first place. She leaned her head against his shoulder as she tried to eradicate all thought from her mind, her body shuddered as she tried to slow her now erratic breathing. She instantly felt the body she held onto stiffen in response to her distress and the speed of the bike slow down with the slight jarring of the brakes.

Lifting her head, Buffy could see that he’d pulled over to a shoulder in the road that lead to a small park that over looked the valley below it. Bringing the bike to a halt he pushed down the foot bar with one of his feet as they came to rest on the ground and switched of the engine. With a gentle pressure he pulled her hands from around his waist and waited for her to dismount the bike. Turning around he watched as she did just exactly that but he couldn’t miss the tight hard movements of her body as she did so. Spike bit his lip in a vain attempt to keep his mouth shut before he asked her what was bothering her so much that she was as stiff as a corpse.

In a quick rush of movement, she ripped the helmet of her head and spun herself away from his gaze pretending it would seem to look at the view in front of her instead of the man that now sat casually on his bike. Taking it as a silent cue, he pulled the helmet from his head and rested it on the petrol tank of the bike. Running his hand through his hair to smooth it down and hopelessly get rid of some of his frustration, he sighed deeply as he dismounted the bike.

“Quiet a view,” Spike walked towards where she stood looking down towards the valley below. “So peaceful hey love?”

“Yeah,” Buffy watched as he made his way to stand by her side. “Peaceful and secluded.”

“Not to quiet for you?” Spike looked around him. “Would you prefer company?”

“I’m more frightened of what I’d do to you Spike than what you’d do to me.” Buffy walked a little further down the slope of the lookout letting out a hitched laugh. “Remember I’m the queen bit...”

“Buffy?” Spike spoke with a harsh tone. “We are so over it, sweetling. Just don’t go there.”

“That’s new,” Buffy turned towards him as she came to a bench that over looked the view not that she could really give a rats about what was in front of her except the man beside her. “You’ve never called me sweetling before.”

“See I told you our relationship was developing,” Spike came to sit beside her on the bench and put his arm running down the back of the chair. “You just got a new pet name and I’d say that’s a development. Don’t say things like that about yourself…things are different now.”

“We can’t change what happened between us Spike,” Buffy tried to look into spike’s eyes but just couldn’t do it.

“Why are we going down this path again Buffy?” Spike said with a sigh. “I don’t want to go around and around in the past Buffy. What’s done is done. Stop putting up barriers between you and me.”

“No I’m not,” Buffy quickly defended herself. Too quickly for Spike’s liking.

“Yes you are Buffy,” Spike tried to hold back a rising anger. “I didn’t come here to have you put up a wall between you and me even before we’ve started. Don’t give yourself a reason to fail even before we’ve fallen.”

“I think that we’ve already fallen Spike,” Buffy sighed quietly.

“We have fallen but remember that we can only do what where doing now. Picking ourselves up and moving forward. Maybe just maybe if I’m lucky you’ll fall for me all over again.” He closed his eyes for just a moment as if to find the strength to say what he really wanted to say but just couldn’t find the internal strength to do so. “But fall for me in a good way,” was all that slipped from his lips.

“I think...”

“Stop thinking about it, this and everything else.” Spike pointed out towards the view. “This is a new start and our first date. So shut gob and enjoy this. Us.”

Seeming to have broken the slight chill between them, Buffy laughed as he so politely told her to shut up. Shaking her head she breathed deeply to fill her lungs full of the clear crisp air, hoping that it would overcome some of the lethargy she felt towards herself. A new start, just like he’d said this was a new start for both of them and he had plans that they’d be going forward together.

Leaning over he took her head between his warm hands that softly caressed the taunt skin of Buffy’s face as she pulled her face into a tight unsure smile. With a slightly quizzical look on his own face Spike took possession if the tip of her top lips as he enveloped it between his own mouth gently biting the fragile skin as he pulled away. He pulled Buffy deeper into his embrace as Spike ran his hand around her back as light feathery kisses reigned over her mouth to soothe the light sting of his bite.

Unable to hold back any further resistance or command any self will, Buffy gave into her deep seeded need to feel close to him once again. As if caught in a whirlwind of emotions that she never thought that she’d feel again Buffy felt something splinter deep inside her and erupt within. Her frame began to gently tremble as she anchored herself against Spike using his body to hold herself upright. Allowing her to lean closely next to Spike as she gave acquiescence to herself to become an active participant in the kiss that now began to devour not only her mouth but her whole body as it responded to his desire.

Opening her mouth further Buffy slid her tongue along the inner rim of his top lip as she returned the teasing caress that Spike had plagued her body with. Increasing the pressure of her tongue along his flesh with each swipe as it passed over in delicious promises of coming pleasures. Mouths became fused as the heat boiled over infusing the two together and began to burn as desire fuelled its flame. Tongues darted against each other trying to prolong their agony of needing to meet and the pleasure the instant that they touch each other. Until they could no longer deny their needed to touch the other as they slide deeply as they explored each other if for the very first time making the one hunger for other even more.

Buffy could feel all the walls that she’d built up inside herself begin to shatter as she pulled herself bodily over Spike as she began to straddle his hips. She could feel the heady rush of the tingle of desire rush from her mouth to her clit. Buffy couldn’t help the need to move her hips in response as she grinded them into Spike’s and couldn’t miss his obvious reaction with the hard cock that now pushed right back at her. She wanted his cock to be thrusting into her body like his tongue was doing to her mouth as she continued to act out her needs as Buffy rotated her hips against his groin showing him exactly what she wanted.

For a spilt second Spike ground himself up against the invitation of her body as he lost control of the desire burning beneath the surface ready to devour them both. Making a quick decision Spike pulled her hips out of his groin and pulled himself away from her mouth, resting his forehead against his own. Breathing shallowly and erratically Spike now looked into the surprised but saddened eyes of Buffy.

“We need…” Spike tried to speak between intakes of oxygen, “to stop…need to be sure…want you…but not here like this.”

“Oh,” was all Buffy could say as she pulled herself off Spike and looked away from him to petrified that he might further reject her.

Waiting until his breath was back he continued. “I want you and I want you badly but not here where anyway can see us. I want to fuck you so bad that I feel like I’m gonna come in my pants like a kid.”

“Then why?” Buffy finally looked at him. “I want you too.”

“Cause it aint right,” Spike came up to stand behind her. “Sex will just fuck up everything again and I thought we agreed on that fact? That we wanted to start fresh?”

“Yeah,” Buffy tried to begin pleading with him as she tried to get herself under control. “But Spike what about…?”

“Awh! No, don’t say anything about it,” Spike put a finger upon her lips indicating that she be silent.

“But Spike?” Buffy tried to reason with him.

“Buffy don’t make me repeat myself,” Spike moved his hand to around her shoulders in a firm grip. “Please.”

“Spike, I need…I’ve got to…”

“What?” Spike looked worried was to say the least about the look on his face.

“I got to go,” Buffy look around the park trying to find something that she was after but to Spike it just looked like she was looking for an escape route.

“We just got here, love.” Spike with a slight hint of bitterness in his voice.

“Yeah but we’ve been riding for ages,” Buffy shrugged his hand away from her shoulder as she moved away. “I need to go.”

“Why now?” Spike begrudgingly got up and dusted himself off.

“I can’t help it,” Buffy spotted a large bush and started to run towards it trying to hide the fact that she needed a few moments to collect herself after the intense passion that they’d just shared. “I just gotta go.”

“Oh that ‘go’” the sound of relief in his voice was overwhelming. “Love, could have put that in a better sentence.”

“What did you think I meant?”

“Doesn’t matter.”

“Good,” Buffy called out from behind the bush, “because you need to find me some toilet paper.”

Muttering to himself Buffy vaguely heard his response, “I was hoping for a miracle not wanting to perform them myself. Loo paper? Where in the hell does she expect me to find that?” Spike shook his head as he headed back to their backpacks hoping to find tissues or something that would resemble toilet paper. “I know I’ll pull it out of my arse.”

“Smarty pants!”

“Yep love that’s me.”

“Can I watch?”

“What?” Spike sarcastically replied.

“Watch you pull it out of your arse?” Buffy asked him with a sweet tone.

“Oh bugger,” Spike mumbled to himself as he shook his head at the quick turn about of what just happened. One minuted their all hot and heavy and the next she’s demanding loo paper instead of a hard fuck. What in hells name had he signed himself up for when he decided to walk this path with Buffy?

“I heard that.”