Title: Silently Broken

Pairing: Spike/Buffy; with of course, some William in there—but not as a separate person, just as another side to Spike’s personality.

Rating: NC-17, the smut’s there but we’ll just have to see how well I’m able to do it…and yes, that did come out sound differently than I’d intended.

Summary: Every night, phone in hand, Buffy Summers gives men a living soundtrack for their fantasies. He started out as just another job—but what happens when ‘Spike’ steps out of the phone and into her life as the very real William, her stepfather’s brother?



I heard the words come out
I felt that I would die
It hurt so much to hurt you

Then you look at me
You're not shouting anymore
You're silently broken



Prologue:



"Can you feel it? Can you, kitten? Feel me inside you?"

He didn't know how it had gotten to this.

Hell, that was a complete lie; he knew exactly how it had gotten to this. Dru, his love of several years, had turned out to be a right bitch and he'd dumped when he found her sleeping with their neighbor and his wife.

Now it was three months later and he still didn't have anyone. He considered going to a club and getting some girl to come home with him, knew it'd make him feel better.

But with his luck, whatever girl he'd found would be somebody's girl. No way was he putting some other bloke through what he was going through.

So, he'd called one of those chat up lines--or whatever it was they were technically called.

"Oh yes! God, Spike I'm soo close, just a little bit-"

"Buffy, so tight...come on, love...almost there...come on, come for me...know I love the sounds you make. So wet and hot...come for me, pet. Just for me."

"OH! Spiiiikke!" Buffy keened.

So he'd called the line, mad with the idea of paying nearly two dollars a minute, just to listen to some bint trying her best to get him off with fake sexiness and forced pleasure.

But then there'd been Buffy.

**************



Chapter 1




"You feel alright, sweets?" Spike asked about a minute into the conversation.

"Huh? Yeah, sure. So, uh, what do you want to do?"

"Luv, really, what's wrong?"

"Just some stupid stuff. Listen, you're paying for all of this," She reminded him of the thing he was trying his best to forget. "I don't want you to have to pay for nothing."

He wasn't going to pretend that he and Buffy would have these kinds of conversations if they ever 'met' each other, but he wanted to show her that over the last few months, he'd really gotten to know her.

And not just the exquisite sounds she made when she came.

"You're right, I am paying for this, so how 'bout you do what I want and tell me what it is that's got you so distracted," he said determinedly.

She could only wish that someone as sweet--not to mention seemingly incredibly hot--as Spike would want anything to do with her if he met her on the street. But he was giving her the chance now...the chance to act like they had an actual relationship.

She knew it wasn't safe, knew in the end she'd get hurt more when they had nothing--but she'd ignore it for now.

"It really is just something stupid."

"Tell me anyway."

"I have this job where I'm 'with' guys all the time, but because of the damn hours I have to keep, I'm never going to end up with a real relationship. I guess I just look at all my friends, all in these great relationships...and I get lonely."

It literally hurt him to hear her say that. He wanted to be there for her...wanted her, plain and simple.

"You'll have someone, pet," he said instead.


“No, I won’t,” she argued, “But thank you for trying to make me feel better.” She wasn’t ready to accept that he was being nice to her. She was little more than a whore; she didn’t deserve his kindness.

“Yes,” he told her, hating to see her giving up on herself, “You will.”

“I really don’t want to argue with you,” she told him. “And especially not when you’re having to pay for it. So, let’s just get back to what we’re supposed to be doing with these calls--” She wasn’t comfortable with the turn the conversation was taking. It was harder to pretend your life was great when someone showed you otherwise, so she’d just keep not looking.

Denial was a fun thing.

“Come on, Spike,” she said after he hadn’t said anything for a few moments, “You know I get you hot. You know you want it…”

He knew what she was doing. Or, well, he thought he knew what she was doing: reminding the both of them of just what kind of ‘relationship’ it was that they had.

He hated it, but if this was the best he was going to get…

“You know you do, baby. Get so hard just thinking about you. What I can do to you.”

“What do you want to do to me, Spike?” It was a sultry whisper, one that he could barely hear.

“No one else, right?” she asked him before he had a chance to answer her first question, hoping he’d lie to her. She knew he had to have a girlfriend or even a wife. Maybe they didn’t have sex, but she still had to be there. Buffy wanted him to lie.

“No one but you, baby,” he assured her.

“God Spike, do you even know how much I want you? How much I sit here in my bed at night and wish you were really here? That every time I lie down on my bed I think how perfect it would be if you could be here, fucking me.”

Spike just groaned.

“I have this entire house to myself and we could do whatever we wanted….wherever we wanted to do it. Whenever, too,” she added.

“We could spend the entire night together and then in the morning,” her voice was getting silkier, whispering it all to him as if it were some deep, dark secret, “I’d let you get up before me and wait till you were in the shower…and then do you know what I’d do?”

He couldn’t answer her, but it didn’t matter because she didn’t wait for an answer.

“I’d wait just long enough for you to get in there and all wet and slippery and soapy…and then I’d come into the shower with you—I have a very nice shower, Spike, it’s very big—I’d come in there and I wouldn’t say anything to you…

“And do you know what I’d do then?”

“Wh—What?” he croaked, caught up in the web of her fantasy.

“I’d get down on my knees in front of you and I’d take your cock in my hands and I’d stroke it up and down…up…and down, until all of the soap was off, and then I’d take you into my mouth. Do you like that, Spike?”

“Fuck, yeah.”

“Yeah, you like me sucking your cock, don’t you? Can you feel my lips around you?” she asked, turning it into more of an active fantasy. “Feel me sucking on you? Feel how I take you all the way in before slowly letting you back out, over and over again until you’re almost ready to come?”

Again he couldn’t answer. But by now he’d freed himself from his constraining jeans and was steadily stroking himself, his eyes closed, imagining it was her mouth on him instead.

“I’d suck you all that much harder then, all the way back down my throat.” The idea of that, her on her knees in front of him in the shower—her shower—caused him to come more quickly than he’d thought possible. “And after I was done swallowing you all down, I wouldn’t stop, Spike.

“I’d lick you up and down, kissing the tip of your cock every time until you were hard again for me. And then…” She paused just long enough to get him waiting in eager anticipation. “I’d stand up and take your hands and put them on my hips and then I’d say, ‘Fuck me, Spike’.”

“God, Buffy,” he said huskily, gaining some control of himself again and at the same time losing it all. “You’d like me to fuck you right there in your shower, wouldn’t you?” he asked as he imagined picking her up and wrapping her legs around his hips before backing her into the shower wall. “Right up against the wall.”

“Please, Spike,” she begged. Suddenly running the conversation wasn’t enough anymore—, she wanted to get lost in him.

“That’s it, pet, wrap your legs around me…Feel my cock rubbing against you?” Buffy felt something rubbing against her folds as she reached down again to run the dildo against herself. “Come on, love, take me in that pretty little hand of yours again and show me where you need me.” Carefully she moved her hand so the dildo was now penetrating her ever so slightly.

“Doesn’t that feel good, Buffy? Having me inside you like that?”

“Ugh,” she groaned, “Spike, please!”

“You want it hard, kitten? Does little girl want to play rough?”

“Please,” she whispered again.

“That’s it, luv, feel me pushing into you, harder and harder. Slamming into that sweet little cunt of yours? Feels good, doesn’t it?” He was now the one controlling her pleasure as well as his own. “Never had it so good, have you?”

“No, Spike. Never….Harder!” she begged, her hand moving more quickly and forcefully.

“Ugn, Buffy! Can you feel me slamming you back into that wall? Feel how nothing else matters anymore? How all you can feel is my dick moving in and out of you?”

She could nearly feel the water hitting her legs as they tightened around his hips.

“That’s it, luv, tighten those legs, pull me in, baby.” When he groaned one more time she came suddenly, convulsing around his cock—or so she felt. “Spike!”

Her screaming orgasm spurned his second one of the night. “Oh, kitten. God, you’re so good. Just what I need,” he told her several minutes later when he was nearly able to breathe regularly again.

She was still breathing heavily so he continued.

“You know I’d never hurt you, right?” He wasn’t willing to admit how close he’d been to asking ‘I didn’t hurt you, did I’?

“Not unless I asked you to,” she answered, never knowing just how serious he was about the matter, but wanting to reassure him anyway.

Chapter 2



“Buffy, sweetheart, will you help me set the table,” It was phrased as a question, but Buffy knew better. Her mother wasn’t giving her a choice in the matter.

“Mom, he’s Giles’ brother…half-brother at that. It’s not like we need to impress him or anything. He doesn’t even know Giles…I mean their dad wasn’t exactly an upstanding guy…it’s more of a coincidence that they’re related…” Buffy didn’t care if she wasn’t making sense—she was in a bad mood and it was her right to be argumentative even if she didn’t have a good argument.

“I understand that Rupert is only your stepfather so you don’t feel that his half-brother is your family at all, but he is. Buffy, this night is important to Rupert,” Joyce explained softly. “He feels bad about not being there for his younger brother more and with William having such a hard time lately…just please don’t make this hard on him, please sweetheart. It’s just a few hours, you can do that.”

“Yeah, mom, I can,” Buffy acquiesced. She hated making her mother feel like she didn’t love Giles; he was much more of a father to her than Hank had ever hoped to be and if she couldn’t do this for him—well then, she was just plain ungrateful. “Do you want to use Grandma Mary’s china?”

“That would be lovely, dear. Let me go get it.”

As her mother went to get their, Buffy decided to check on her step-father. “Giles,” she said, finding him sitting in the dim quiet of his study, “May I come in?”

“Yes, of course,” he said, sounding distracted.

“Giles, I’m…I’m sorry if I’ve been a bitch tonight,” Her language caused him to look up.

“Well I couldn’t think of another word, sorry,” she apologized quickly. “But I really didn’t mean anything by it; I’m just not in a very good mood tonight,” ‘And not just because you having your long lost half brother over is making me think about family and how I’ll never have one of my own because the only man I want thinks of me as some cheap call girl.’ “And I think I’ve just been taking out my bad mood on you and Mom and for that I really am sorry. I think it’s great you have William coming over and I promise to behave better from here on out.”

“Don’t worry dear, I’m sure it will all be well.”

She knew he was trying to reassure himself possibly even more than her. “Giles, don’t worry so much, he’s your brother. There’s really nothing to worry about.”

He wished he was able to relax and believe her, but this was his younger brother they were talking about. His younger half brother who had also been abandoned by their father—him by his death and he himself by his just leaving; his half brother who was so depressed lately that he feared for his welfare.

He hoped that he’d be able to get William out of whatever rut it was he was in, if not by being brotherly then just by being kind. He was also nervous because this was the first time his family—Buffy and Joyce and William—were all meeting each other.

Hopefully it was nothing some quiet relaxation and a little scotch couldn’t cure.





“Mom, why is William coming now? Not that it’s a bad thing or anything, but…I’m just curious I guess,” she explained her question.

“Apparently William’s been down a little, or a lot actually, lately and Rupert thought it would be nice to have him over. Show him he wasn’t alone.”

“I think it’ll be nice to meet some more of Giles’ family,” Buffy decided. “And hey, he’s half the same as Giles, so he almost has to be a nice guy,” she half joked.

“I’m sure he’ll be a wonderful man. Now, why don’t you go change for dinner? William’s sure to be here any minute.”

“You sure you’re okay for finishing up things in here?”

“I’m sure. We’re nearly done, anyway.”

“Alright, I’m going, I’m going. Didn’t realize I looked that horrible.” Buffy was joking of course; she knew that her mother was just nervous for Giles.

“Don’t be like that. Now, hurry up, I don’t want you to be late.”

“I’m already gone,” Buffy said as she made it out to the pool house where she’d lived since her graduation a year ago.


Buffy looked around her sitting room and bedroom, realizing that if anyone saw her living space and knew her chosen—or less chosen, more required—profession, they’d think she as more than a paradox. She was a complete contradiction.

Deciding on a simple, knee length knit jersey dress that was at the same time casual and elegant, Buffy changed quickly before making her way into the bathroom to style her hair and apply some makeup.

She was anxious about the evening as well. She was so used to meeting new people and feeling like she was deceiving them by pretending to be this…by pretending to be a good, sweet girl. She hated being deceitful, but it wasn’t like she could just tell them the truth.

But this was going to be even harder; this was family she was going to be lying to. Distant as he might be, he was still family.



“You must be William,” Joyce said as she answered the front door not ten minutes after Buffy had left to change. “Please do come in. I’m Joyce, Rupert’s wife. Rupert will be here in just a moment. I think he’s a bit nervous,” she whispered. “And my daughter Buffy will be here soon as well.”

Joyce didn’t notice the look that passed over his face as he heard her daughter’s name. ‘It’s like I can’t get away from her,’ he thought, ‘I mean really, what’s the chance I find another girl named Buffy?. It’s like I can’t get away from her.’

He’d been hoping that this trip would help him get over…whatever it was he was feeling for Buffy, the girl he was calling every night. But now Joyce’s daughter with the same name would be there, reminding him of his girl every time someone called her by name.

Well, maybe he’d at least be able to get to know this half brother of his a little better.

Sure there was a twenty plus year age gap, but they were still related—if only by their father, who hadn’t been there for either of them. But it was family, someone who could—and hopefully would—be there for him, something that he’d been sorely lacking lately.


Joyce took him into the living room. “Can I get you something to drink before I go get Rupert? He must not have heard the door.”

“Anything would be nice.” He had been about to ask for a beer when he realized that maybe he had better not ask for alcohol right off the bat; didn’t want to give the wrong impression and all.

“I have some wine that we’re going to have with dinner, Rupert has some beers, and I believe he also has some scotch somewhere. Or, of course, we have soda and juices, whichever you’d like.”

“A coke would be nice, thank you.” If there was going to be wine for dinner, he figured he could do with something non-alcoholic at the moment. Besides, his anxiousness might lead to him having a bit too much to drink, which would only lead to him embarrassing himself.

“Let me just fetch that for you and then I’ll get Rupert.” After she’d gotten him a Pepsi, Joyce went to find her husband.

She was surprised to find him sitting behind his desk, seemingly looking at nothing. “Rupert, sweetheart, you are going to have to come out of here sooner or later. William’s here and it would be rude of you to stay in here all night.”

“I’m not going to stay all night. It’s just…I should have contacted him sooner. There’s no way he’s going to forgive me for that.”

“He knows you have things of your own going on…and it’s not exactly as if you two grew up together. This is more than most people would do—inviting him to stay at our house like this.”

“I should have done it sooner. I know what a bastard our father is and…and I just tried to distance myself from him as much as I could, even if that meant distancing myself from his son; my half-brother.”

“Well, he’s here now and he doesn’t think ill of you so far, but if you stay in here any longer, he’ll more than likely start to. Now, come on; I’m interested in getting to know this brother of yours.”

“Very well, dear.” Giles gave in, knowing she was right.

Taking one last swallow of his scotch and trying his best to steel his nerves, Rupert Giles stood up and followed his wife Joyce out of the office.

It was time to go formally meet his younger brother and own up to all that he had not done in the previous years. It wasn’t something that was going to be easily forgivable, but he was making any forgiveness less and less likely with each second that he stayed squirreled away in his study.

Little did he know that forgiving him was going to be the absolute least of William’s worries that night.



TBC..........Please Review :)





A/N: I really have been trying to thank of a way to express, in words, what getting so many reviews has meant to me. I know many think I shouldn't put so much stock in reviews but I really do love them...so, thank you so much more than I'll ever be able to say--that was more than I've ever gotten for a single chapter before and I can only hope to get near that many from here on out (and if not, then I'll just be proving Elena wrong).

Chapter Three will be posted Tuesday afternoon and after that it might be a little over a week til I post again as I'll be on a litte vacation ;) (I'll send out an update email though when I do--maybe the 28th if I'm back in time)

And don't think there won't be more smut...I can certainly promise you there will be, just ask my lovely beta Panta_rei.....this chapter had the NC-17 rating b/c to do only the smutty ones that way would ruin the surprises ;)

One more time: Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you :-)

pretty banner by Panta_rei

---

Chapter 3


“So, William, Rupert tells me that his—your father was from Crackington. Did you ever visit there as a child?”

”No, we never did get to see Crackington Haven when I was small. Da’ wasn’t much for family vacations….or really ‘family’ anything But I’ve been there on my own—well, with a friend—a few years back. Really is a rather beautiful place.” He added before he realized just what it was he was admitting, “I think how nice it would be to go there for my honeymoon.”

“Do you think it’ll be this ‘friend’ of yours going with you?” Joyce inquired in what was much more a motherly than a sisterly way.

“Rick? No! He’s just an old mate of mine. Went to school together and thought it’d be fun to get away somewhere quiet before we went our separate ways. Nearly drove each other crazy that week. Two blokes cooped up in a cabin for a week? Not the brightest idea I’ve ever had.”

“I couldn’t imagine spending an entire week with another man—especially not somewhere like Crackington. I’d need a woman with me for sure,” Rupert finally contributed to the conversation. “Much too quiet there to be up to only above the board things.”

He said it so primly and without even hint of humor in his tone that it took Joyce a few seconds to catch on to what her husband had just said, “Rupert!” She smacked his arm lightly. “Don’t say things like that.”

“William just said the same thing,” Giles argued.

“He did not,” she disagreed. “He said something very sweet and you said something very crude; there’s a difference.”

“Not really, honey.” Rupert was giving up. “He said he wanted to go there to have shag and I said that was about the only thing worthwhile to do there. Not much of a difference.”

“There is too. He suggested that it would be romantic to go there for his honeymoon and you said the only good thing to do there was have sex. There’s a big difference, Rupert.”

Giles just huffed at her, not giving up his point but not arguing it further either.

William was glad his brother was so happy. It was plain to see that he and Joyce were a perfect match, they fit so well together—even in their bickering. The way he hoped to fit with someone some day.

“Have either of you been to Crackington Haven?” he asked, getting the conversation back on course, “It sounds like you have,” He finished, looking at his brother.

“Oh, yes,” Giles answered, now slightly uncomfortable, “I, uh, I went there once as a young man.” He gave no other explanation.

William was about to press the issue further when he saw the look on Rupert’s face; that look combined with his earlier statements told him maybe he was better off not knowing the exact nature of his older brother’s visit to Crackington Haven and that Joyce was definitely better off not knowing.

“But it all seems fairly pointless now,” William moved on. “I mean, I’ve been all over England—and Wales and Scotland, too, but none of that matters to anyone here. To them, I’ve just been to the Britain, the where doesn’t really matter.

“Guess if I’m going to stay round here I’m going to have to do some traveling so I can be a well rounded person again,” he joked. But it was true; so far he’d talked to several people who, although he’d been all over the United Kingdom really, didn’t seem to think he was well traveled.

“Is there anywhere you suggest Joyce? May I call you Joyce?” She nodded her acceptance and he continued, “Is there anywhere in particular you suggest I see? I’d assume that given your profession that you’ve traveled quite extensively.”

Glad to be involved in the conversation—she’d been too used to her last husband keeping her as his demure little wife—she didn’t even think to push her husband on just why, or when, he’d been to Crackington Haven.

“Well, there’s of course Los Angeles, and that’s not too far of a drive from here. Buffy goes there quite often, in fact—perhaps some time you two could make the trip together. And farther away there’s Chicago and New York, a great place to see in the winter, especially around Christmas time. Those, I would say, are the biggest places.

“Miami’s a fun place as well, and Charleston and Savannah are beautiful if you’re interested in history. I’m sure you’ll get some traveling in sooner or later, do remember that you did just get here. No one expects you to be well traveled.”

“But some day I would like to be,” he told her.

“Well,” Joyce asked, “How long were you planning on staying?”

“I guess I hadn’t really thought about it. I suppose I’ll have to find some place to live and work. You know, the usual.”

“Rupert tells me you were here a few months back, with the intention of moving here?”

William really wished he hadn’t mentioned that fact.

“Yes. I went to Idaho, actually, with my girlfriend. She had wanted to move there for some reason. She, well, she broke up with me a little over a week after we got there.” ‘And that’s when I ‘met’ Buffy,’ he thought.

“It was a short enough time that my flat in London hadn’t sold yet, so I moved back.” ‘And kept calling Buffy even thought it cost loads.’

“Oh, William, that’s just horrible.” Joyce was back to sounding like his mother. “I do hope you know that you’re welcome to stay here for as long as you wish.”

“I wouldn’t want to intrude.”

“Nonsense, Buffy lives in the little pool house but it has two bedrooms and I’m sure she wouldn’t mind you staying there. In fact, she should be back any minute, and I’ll have a talk with her about it. That is if you would like to…?”

He had been about to protest, to tell them how he would be capable for finding his own place to live. He didn’t want to be too dependent on them in case they decided they didn’t want him around. But that was when…

“Hey mom, Giles! Sorry I took so long, I couldn’t find the dress I’d set out for tonight.” She was still down the hallway so William couldn’t see her, but he would have recognized her voice anywhere.

Before he could change his mind and just before Buffy came into the room, William answered Joyce’s question. “I would love to live here, thank you.”




TBC....Please review



Author's Note: Since you all have been so, so wonderful with the review (I still can't believe how many I've gotten so far) I've gotten my lovely beta Panta_rei to agree to update for me while I"m out of town. So now you only have to wait til the 18th not the 28th for the next update :-) Hope that was a wise decision

also, thank you to whoever nominated Learning Curve (and me for best author) at the Lost in Spike Awards--that just made my night, so thank you to whoever it was.

A huge thank you to: jadedmidnight, Brat, Jessica , klylu, Daisy, daisy, McChick , sirc, jenny, caatje, SarahandJamesFanatic, DK ,gypsy_jin , Devin , Nemo, DaniD, gotkona, Stephanie, dragontiff , Jessica, Kar, luxferi, Heidi, Spikeshunny, Manda, missy, jeanie, Elena, Taylormaid, sarah g, wyn, Renee', Whitelighter354, cordykitten, willowmouse, v06, Tuesday, Karbear57, ChrissNicole, spikeshunny, Rachael , Debbie, DaniD , Emma, Irishwoman39, Irishwoman39, caatje, luxferi , Rachael ,teenuh, marstersgirl13, sirc, braat44, cordykitten, PhotographyNut , Bob, Nikilicious, jen, Dirktavian, SarahandJamesFanatic, sarah ,ChrissNicole, Noelle, blondiebear, Jess, Devin, LMBossy, and willowmouse for reviewing the first few chapters (and yes, some people's names are there twice but they reviewed twice so that's what I thought would be fair.

And I think that's all...please do review :)

A/N (here because the word limit thing is weird): Hello everyone! This is Panta_Rei updating for Suzee while she's on vacation. Enjoy the chapter--and don't forget prove her wrong about how many reviews she'll come back to by leaving her one. =P

Chapter 4

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck-- Okay, so maybe given the present situation—and company—that wasn’t the best phrase to be repeating, but fuck!

Hearing that Joyce’s daughter was called Buffy was one thing. Hearing that Buffy lived here, even allowing his brain to conjure up the notion that it was the same girl—that was one thing.

But hearing her? Hearing that voice that he’d heard tens upon tens of times…that was another thing.

Buffy, his Buffy, was just a few feet away.

And she didn’t realize that he was here, he concluded with a start.

And she wasn’t going to either, he decided.

Not by any fault of her own, or any oversight; he just wasn’t going to let her find out. At least not while they were all in a room together.

Besides, how was he supposed to know what she’d think of him? How was he to know if she’d think he planned it all out?

What if she thought he’d orchestrated the entire thing? From talking to her in the first place to being here tonight?

She’d hate him.

And he couldn’t have that.

So he had to think.

‘Come on, Spike. Think!’ he ordered himself silently. ‘There has to be a way you can stop the girl from recognizing you.’

In the back of his mind though—or maybe not so much in the back, but more in the middle—was the thought, or rather the fear, that she either wouldn’t recognize him, confirming his fears that he’d been nothing more to her than another caller; or that she would recognize him and just want him gone.

So he had to think of a way to both stop her from recognizing him and stop him from knowing if she didn’t recognize him.

And seeing as how his voice was the key factor in the whole arrangement, well, he’d just have to eliminate that factor.

He, William Giles (also known as Spike), who, since he’d been a little boy, had never been known as a quiet man for any period of time, was going to not talk.

For an entire night.

God, they were going to think he was crazy.


“Sorry I took so long,” Buffy continued to explain, “I couldn’t find the dress I’d set out for tonight and I didn’t want to wear just any old thing because, you know, this is important for Giles and he really wants to impress—Oh, he’s here.” Buffy noticed the second man sitting in the room as soon as she turned the corner—and promptly blushed a deep red.

“Buffy, dear, I’d like you to meet Rupert’s younger brother, William.”

“Nice to meet you, William,” Buffy said sweetly, trying to tone down her blush and not act like she’d just nearly made a fool of herself. “I’m glad you decided to come to visit.”

William started to say that it was nice to meet her before he remembered that he wasn’t supposed to be talking. So, instead of saying anything, he just nodded and smiled. Buffy just looked at him strangely, surprised he hadn’t responded, but Joyce once again cut in and spared him having to seem too strange.

“Actually, Buffy,” her mother began carefully, “we were actually thinking—Rupert and I that is,” she threw her husband in there effortlessly, “that perhaps William could stay in the pool house for a little while.

“There are two bedrooms,” she added when it looked like her daughter was going to object somehow. “He won’t be in your way at all. And besides,” she basically blackmailed, “he’s family.”

‘Oh, God!’ Buffy thought frantically. ‘How am I going to get out of this? He can’t live there! Sure, there are two bedrooms,’ she rambled, ‘but they’re only about 10 feet apart and…he’s going to hear me!’ she silently whined.

True, she had taken the job of her own free will and she didn’t even remotely need the money—hell, she lived in her family’s pool house, for Christ sake!—but still…

Somehow, psychologically, she wasn’t ready to give up the job…she felt like…okay, she wasn’t going to examine the psychology behind it all now, not when she had to make a decision; they were, after all, all looking at her expectantly.

“That, uh, well that sounds, you know, like a, well, that sounds nice.” She did her best to ignore the odd look her mother was shooting her way.

And, granted, it wasn’t the most eloquent of answers but it wasn’t like they’d given her any warning. Even a few minutes would have given her enough time to properly answer that question, or even, possibly, find a way to not really answer it just yet.

But could they do that? No!

So here she was, telling her stepfather’s younger half-brother (he was too hot and too young for her to call him her uncle) that he could live with her, while she worked basically as a whore, doing phone sex every night. Well, wasn’t she just a genius.

“See, William,” Joyce said, still looking pointedly at her daughter, “I told you it wouldn’t be a problem. Now, after dinner, why don’t we take your suitcases out to the pool house—you did bring some with you, didn’t you?”

He nodded, still refusing to talk.

“Good, then after dinner Buffy can help you take them out and get you all settled. I know you must be tired after everything you’ve been doing. We’ll let you get to bed early tonight, especially now that you’ll be staying so nearby.”

If she noticed that William hadn’t spoken a word since Buffy had come into the room and hadn’t taken his eyes off of her either, Joyce didn’t mention it. And in his nervousness, Rupert didn’t notice either.

And Buffy, well she was too focused on her own predicament to take much notice of just what was going on around her.

But that wasn’t going to last the entire night. Things could only go so well for so long.

Chapter 5


They sat down to diner just about ten minutes after Buffy joined them, Joyce staying true to her word not to keep William up too late that night.

Normally he would have told her that it was fine, that he was used to staying up late even. But not tonight. Tonight he was just hoping to get out of there as soon as possible.

Being alone, whether it was in a home with Buffy, the girl he was fairly certain he was secretly (at least secretly to everyone who was not him) in love with, or not—being alone would give him a chance to get his thoughts together and figure how exactly he was going to handle the entire situation.

And he did need to figure it out because there was no way he could go on living there and never talk again. They’d ship him off to some mental hospital if he tried that. And between the two places everyone made jokes about being shipped off to (mental institutions and convents) he’d much prefer the convent, even if there wouldn’t be any chance of sex happening there.

And he really needed to stop thinking about sex (because that led him to thoughts of sex with Buffy) and start thinking of a way to get himself out of this mess he was in.

If he could just get through the next few hours, through dinner and maybe drinks, then he’d be okay—he’d have the entire night to come up with a plan.

But, he realized quickly, he still had those hours…still had to get through dinner.

And now, he knew just how he was going to do it.


“William,” Joyce said, after they’d all served their plates, William carefully nodding his approval when asked if he wanted a certain dish. “Are you doing all right? You haven’t said a word since we sat down to eat.”

Time to put his plan—tentative though it might be—into action.

“Just fine, madam.” He threw the last word in for effect. “I was simply collecting myself. You see, dear, I have promised a close friend of mine that I would aid her in learning how to do a proper North London accent. Now, since I, myself am from around Yorkshire, it takes some practice. I was merely getting into character, if you will.”

Buffy looked at him like he were insane.

Rupert looked at him as if he were trying to figure out just what to think.

Joyce, ever the mother, looked at him as if he were the best person in all the world. “Oh, William, that’s so sweet of you. This girlfriend of yours must be very grateful.”

Well, that wasn’t exactly what he’d wanted to get out of it. He couldn’t have Buffy thinking he had a girlfriend.

‘Typical,’ Buffy thought, completely unaware of the falseness of her mother’s statement. ‘First Spike’s probably married and now William has a girlfriend. Are all hot English guys taken?’

“She’s not so much a girlfriend,” William explained. ‘And not only because I just made her up.’

Buffy didn’t want to hear him explain anymore why this person wasn’t ‘exactly’ his girlfriend. She wanted, whether she would consciously admit it or not, to just change the topic and forget all about any girlfriend, fiancé, or wife William might have.

“So, are you helping her learn it for a play or something?” Buffy asked, trying to act genuinely curious.

He hadn’t even considered how hard it would be to carry on a conversation with the girl. Not one where she had no idea who he was—well, other than her step-father’s half brother (there was no way he was calling himself her uncle because that would be even more wrong than the thoughts he was currently having as he looked at her in that tight little black dress).

“It’s, yes,” it was taking an effort to stay in this accent—one that was, thankfully, fairly close to a real North London accent, “it’s for a play she’s auditioning for. She’s done the preliminary audition but now, before they make any final decisions in terms of call backs and the like, they want to see who can do the accent.”

“Well, if she’s from England, shouldn’t it be easier for her? I mean it’d be easier for me to do a Southern accent than it would be for someone from say, Ireland to do one.”

Why in the world hadn’t he thought this out more?

“She’s, she’s actually from….Montana,” he said quickly. “So, it’s more learning an English accent and the differences…like someone from England wanting to learn a Southern accent would need to learn the difference between Southern and Midwestern.” He didn’t think his explaining was going very well. Which, he guessed was to be expected, especially given that he was making it all up as he went along.

“Well, that’s very kind of you, William,” Joyce said—Rupert was still looking like he was trying to figure out what to think of the recent turn of events.

“I just like to be helpful,” he replied, blushing, seemingly in modesty, but really because he was ashamed of lying to them about something so stupid.

They, Joyce and Rupert, were basically his family and here he was lying to them so that they wouldn’t know that he’d been having phone sex with their daughter for months.

Wasn’t he just a shining example of morality and good conscience?



Something wasn’t right, Giles decided after they’d settled into near silence to eat their meal.

William had been looking at Buffy out of the corner of his eye whenever he thought that they weren’t looking and he seemed to blush whenever he looked at her for longer than a few seconds.

That wasn’t really what bothered Giles though; the idea that William would be attracted to Buffy was not at all far fetched, she was a young attractive woman and William was a fairly young man himself.

What bothered Rupert Giles was that William had been acting strangely ever since Buffy’d come into the house. Not strange like a man would if he were nervous around an attractive woman, but more like….more like he was hiding something from her. Pair that with his newly acquired accent, and….

Giles had no idea what was going on but he planned to at least try to get to the bottom of it by the end of the night.

For now, though, he’d have to do his best to ignore that and just enjoy dinner with his family and getting to know William.

Chapter 6


Giles hadn’t managed to get William to talk in his own voice yet. He’d tried several different things, but William had always insisted that he needed to ‘stay in character’.

He’d attempted to get him to explain more about the play, but William was very tight lipped about it, leading him to worry even more.

“So, William, how is it you met this friend that you’re helping with the play? I mean, Montana’s a fairly random place.”

Apparently avoiding the older man’s questions wasn’t going to fly tonight. Carefully, he thought about how to lie the least and yet still answer the question.

“Met her in a bar one night, she was, uh…she was going over her lines. Heard the horrid excuse of an accent she had and questioned her about it. Not much of a story, I’m afraid.”

“There has to be something to it,” Giles pushed. “Had she been in the country long?”

William didn’t know what Rupert was getting at but he was starting to get worried.

“Not really sure, mate. Think it was just about a few weeks. Ever been to London, luv?” Spike gave up his ‘avoiding Buffy’ plan in the face of his half brother’s interrogation.

“I haven’t, actually,” Buffy answered, still smiling shyly. “I thought about it after I graduated, but…just never got there. Is it nice?”

And this wasn’t a good plan either!

He already thought that she was the single sexiest woman he’d ever had the privilege of talking to, but now? Now he thought that she was utterly adorable and absolutely beautiful as well. He was just getting himself in deeper and deeper by the minute.

“Haven’t spent all that much time there myself,” he answered carefully. “But from what I’ve seen it’s a great place. Has all the city stuff people like, great touristy bits, and some historical things as well. Bit of everything really.”

Buffy could have sworn he was trying to end the conversation but that was crazy because he’s asked in the first place. It was crazy…wasn’t it?

Buffy decided to find out for certain, “You grew up where exactly, William?”

“Leeds in West Yorkshire.”

“Is that far from London?”

“Few hours.”

“Oh, well, do you think,” And this was really pushing it, “You could maybe tell me what are some good things to see in London? Or, you know, if you’re back there whenever I go, show me around some?”

Oh, God. This was the wrong thing to do. Now he was entertaining thoughts of showing Buffy around London. Of why they’d be there together in the first place. God, he was pathetic.

“Yeah, think I could do that. Would be nice.” Just how nice, he wasn’t about to let on.

“Were you thinking of going to London, Buffy?” Joyce asked her daughter. Buffy hadn’t expressed any real desire to travel before.

“Well, Giles is from around there…and it’s London….and you know, now that William’s around, too.” Buffy knew she’d been caught in her little fib.

“I just didn’t expect you to be so interested,” Joyce commented.

“Well, I am.” She was trying not to get grumpy but whenever she was in danger of being embarrassed, Buffy did just that.

Nothing much was said as they all four finished dinner, Joyce and Giles talked about a few neighborhood things and about the dinner party their friend Sheila had thrown the week before, but Buffy and Spike were nearly silent for the remainder.


When Joyce started to pick up the dishes after their meal, Rupert decided it was time to act.

“Don’t worry about that. William and I will take care of it; it’ll give us a chance to talk.”

“We can’t expect him to do the dishes!” Joyce sounded truly affronted. “He’s a guest.”

”Really, Joyce, it’s no trouble. Rupert’s right; it’ll give us a chance to talk, catch up and all.” Though he wasn’t sure just how much they could ‘catch up’ given that they didn’t know each other at all.

“Well, if you’re sure,” she answered uncertainly.



They’d been silently washing the dishes—apparently silence was a big thing for Spike tonight—for several minutes when the older man spoke up.

“I’m sorry we didn’t invite you over before this,” Giles apologized the best he could. “I should have gotten in contact with you sooner.”

“Don’t worry about it, Rupes. It’s not like we grew up together—or even knew each other. This is more than a lot would do. I appreciate it.”

”Joyce said the same thing, but still I feel…you will stay awhile, though, won’t you?”

‘Yeah,’ Spike thought, ‘I’ll go sleep in that house with your daughter and try to stop myself from spending every waking minute dreaming of shagging her.’

“Maybe ‘til I can find a flat. Wouldn’t want to overstay my welcome.”

“You won’t. You’re welcome as long as you wish. And I’m sure you and Buffy will have a great time together.”

If only he knew.

“I’m sure we will too. Buffy seems like a nice girl.”

“She truly is. Granted she’s not biologically my daughter but I love her as if she were.”

Why did Spike get the feeling Rupert was pulling a bit of the ‘protective father’ act with him?

“How, uh, how long have you and Joyce been together?”

”About eight years, since Buffy was about eleven. Her father was really a no good son of a bitch.”

Spike would have laughed at the statement, but he could see how much his brother meant it.

“Good they’ve got you now, then.”

“I try,” was all Giles said. “So, you’ll stay? At least for a while? I know Joyce would be disappointed if you left. She’s acting like she’s found herself a son.”

“Noticed that a bit,” William joked. “I promise to stay a while. But I’m going to talk with Buffy before I decide how long. Make sure that she’s actually okay with me basically invading her home.”

“I’m sure she won’t mind. It’s a big place.”

Spike couldn’t tell him that the real reason that he wasn’t committing yet to staying. In all actuality, he needed to see if he was capable of living in such close quarters with the girl.

Being only a matter of feet away from her wasn’t going to give him much opportunity to, well, to call her.

It sounded stupid when put that way. He was going to be sleeping feet away from his girl every night and he was worrying that he wouldn’t be able to call her.

“Still think I’d like to ask her. Buffy’s a nice girl and I wouldn’t want to put her out in any way. I’ll talk to her about it tonight.”

Neither noticed that William had slipped back into his own voice during the conversation.

Nor did they notice that Buffy had been sent to see if they needed any help.

Neither noticed her standing in the doorway, a look of shock and fear on her face.

Chapter 7


“William seems like a nice boy,” Joyce commented as she and Buffy sat at the now cleared table.

Buffy tried to act calm about it and not let her mother know anything. “Yeah, he seems really nice. It’s good that Giles is going to get to know him.”

“I know he was nervous about it, but things seem to have gone very well—still are in fact.”

“Yeah, it’s sweet.”

“Which is why I’d like him to stay around for a while,” Joyce said pointedly.

“I know,” Buffy whined.

”Really, Buffy, what is it you have a problem with?”

How could she tell her mother that she was attracted to her stepfather’s half-brother (there was no way she was going to call him anything resembling the word ‘uncle’) and was nervous about him living in the same house as her? As her and no one else.

“I guess it’s just weird. The idea of having some guy I don’t know living in my house…well not my house,” she corrected, “but you know what I mean.”

“Well, then get to know him. Him living in the house will give you the perfect opportunity. Think of it like…like being given a chance to do something fun.”

Something fun? She thought they could manage that.

‘Bad thoughts, Buffy. Bad, bad thoughts!’

“I guess you’re right. I just hope he doesn’t dislike me. I’d hate to ruin things between him and Giles just by being myself.” Buffy wasn’t quite ready to give in just yet, so she tried one more approach.

“Don’t be crazy, sweetheart. You’re a wonderful person, William will love you. Don’t worry so much.”

Why was it that her mother was smarter, or at least more quick witted than her?

“Then I guess I have a new roommate,” Buffy grumbled.

“Don’t sound so excited about it,” Joyce joked.

“I’m sorry.” Buffy truly was. “I’m just nervous.”

“Don’t be,” Joyce assured her again. “And try not to do too much with him.”

“What do you mean?” she asked, looking anxiously at her mother.

“Oh, Buffy, I’m not an idiot. I saw you batting your eyes at William during dinner—“

”I was not!” she argued indignantly.

“Nevertheless, please, do try to keep things…appropriate.”

“Are you telling me I can’t?”

“No, you’re a grown—well, almost grown, woman and you can date whomever you like. I’m just asking that you not do anything that will cause a rift between Rupert and William. You know he loves you like you’re his own daughter, don’t make him choose,” she pleaded.

”Didn’t this start out as you assuring me that I wasn’t going to screw things up?”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to do that. I just don’t want anything bad to happen.”

”And neither do I!” Buffy wished her mother would have more faith in her.

“Don’t be like that, Buffy,” her mother scolded her like she were a little girl.

“I’m going to go see if Giles and William need any help with the dishes.” Buffy didn’t wait for her mother’s answer before she got up and made her way from the dining room to the kitchen.

Halfway there Buffy stopped and leaned against one of the walls. She needed to calm down.

She knew her mother got like that whenever she was stressed out over something; she just wished it wasn’t always taken out on her. But it wouldn’t do to go in there in her current state and cause Giles and William to wonder what was wrong.

She took several deep, calming breaths, attempting to assure herself that this was all going to work out in the end. She was nineteen years old, perfectly capable of sharing a house with a man and not doing anything sexual with him.

Even if he did look like William.

And have a sexy accent.

And beautiful blue eyes.

And appeared to be a sweetheart.

And—gah! She needed to stop listing reasons why this wasn’t going to work. Because it was, going to work that is.

After trying those deep calming breaths again, Buffy finally decided she was ready to go into the kitchen. Except….she was very, very wrong.

“Wouldn’t want to overstay my welcome,” She hung back for a moment, not wanting to interrupt, waiting for an opening to announce her presence.

“You won’t. You’re welcome as long as you wish.” Giles was telling him. “And I’m sure you and Buffy will have a great time together.”

‘Yeah, I’m sure we will too,’ she thought cheekily before mentally reprimanding herself again.

Her silent scolding nearly caused her to miss what William was saying.

“I’m sure we will too. Buffy seems like a nice girl.” That caused her to smile. He liked her.


Buffy hadn’t been paying much attention to the conversation since William had complimented her.

He sounded different…she wasn’t sure what it was, but something about the way he said her name gave her pause.

He was back to talking in, what she assumed was, his normal voice. And while it was still sexy as hell…possibly even more so than how he’d sounded during dinner, there was something…

She couldn’t put her finger on it, but there was something about it. If only she knew what.

“Noticed that a bit. I promise to stay a while. But I’m going to talk with Buffy before I decide how long. Make sure that she’s actually okay with me basically invading her home.”

“I’m sure she won’t mind. It’s a big place.”

“Still think I’d like to ask her. Buffy’s a nice girl and I wouldn’t want to put her out in any way. I’ll talk to her about it tonight.”

‘Oh God!’ It had taken hearing him say her name a few more times for it all to click into place. A few more times of hearing Spike say her name.

William….

Oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God. Fuck! Buffy repeated over and over in her mind.

William—her stepfather’s half-brother William—was Spike. The Spike that she’d…

Oh God.


TBC.......Please review (maybe then I'll actually get one of my new fics going....I've been so unproductive)

And please don't kill me...I know that I'm just kind of evil with not having their 'confrontation/talk/can't tell you yet' happen just yet...but remember what Panta said...that and remember that this is an NC-17 fic and that I'll make up for any meanness ;-) Chapter 8 will be up on Saturday

Chapter 8


“You know, I uh,” she couldn’t even get her head together enough to get the sentence out, “I’m going to, um, I’m going to go,” Buffy gestured shakily towards the pool house. Not waiting for any sort of answer from her mother she hurriedly left the house.

She really needed some time to think right now.

As long as William…or Spike, or whoever the hell he was, stayed with Giles then she’d be okay. She needed some time to figure things out.

And with any luck, her mother would decide to talk to Wi—him for a while.

She needed some time to think right now.


“Hope we didn’t take too long. There were a lot of bloody—“ Giles stopped when he noticed Joyce sitting alone at the table, looking rather upset.

“What’s wrong, dear?” Giles asked in concern.

“Oh,” Joyce sighed loudly and, if William wasn’t mistaken, somewhat dramatically, “Buffy and I got into another argument.”

William didn’t expect them to get into it right there in front of him, but apparently that’s what was going to happen.

“I just hate when we get like this. Usually things are just perfect,” she explained to him, “But some days we just don’t get along. I don’t understand it but I hate it.”

William thought that it was probably just something to do with the fact that Buffy was nineteen. But another part of him knew it was at least partially Joyce’s fault; the Buffy he knew was very mature and capable of handling things…

And there he was again, pretending that he really did know the girl.

“I’m sure it was nothing really. She’s probably regretting it right now,” Rupert told her. William really wished they wouldn’t talk about the argument while Buffy wasn’t there. It didn’t seem fair to him—especially not when he felt like they were assigning blame.

To anyone else it would have seemed like a normal conversation, with no blame involved, but Spike was hypersensitive when it came to Buffy. Whether he realized it or not.

“I know. I just miss when she was my perfect little girl and we had such a great time together.”

‘Well, if you’re expecting her to be perfect no wonder you two get into so many arguments,’ he thought, ‘No one’s perfect. Though she is damn close.’ He added the last bit quickly.

“You should just be happy that you have the relationship you do and that she’s so close by,” William pointed out, trying to sound not at all hostile about it.

“Oh you’re right, William. I’m sorry. You must think I’m horrible. What with…I’m sorry,” Joyce apologized quickly.

William did a bit of apologizing of his own. “No need to be sorry. Was just trying to offer a bit of perspective.”

“Thank you. Sometimes I do need that. So, did you two have a good talk?”

“We did,” Rupert answered. “William’s going to talk to Buffy about whether she’s comfortable, really, with him staying in the house. And then he’s going to decide whether he’ll be looking for a flat or not.”

“Really?” Joyce asked happily.

“Yeah, want to make sure it’s all okay with her. It can be strange having someone move in with you. Think it’s best I talk to her first. And,” he didn’t want him not living there—if it came to that to be blamed on Buffy, “I figure we’ll have some time to see if we live well with each other or not.”

“That makes sense. But you’ll at least be staying in the area?” She was pushing and they all knew it.

“I haven’t made any definite decisions just yet, but for now…” He trailed off, leaving the rest of the statement up to their imaginations.

“Do you need to get all settled now or can you maybe stay for a drink?”

Maybe it was the coward’s choice, but he wasn’t feeling particularly brave at the moment.

“Sure, I can stay for a drink. That’d be nice actually.”

While Rupert poured them drinks, a club soda for Joyce and a small amount of scotch for the both of them, William tried not to think of what Buffy was doing at the moment.

He really needed to get his mind off of her; and what better way to do that than a bit of alcohol?

Yeah, so it wasn’t smart but he wasn’t exactly going for Mensa acceptance tonight.


A drink turned into two drinks turned into three drinks and now, almost an hour later, William—a slightly intoxicated William—was still sitting in the living room with Joyce and Rupert.

“Think I’d better get my stuff into the house now,” Apparently liquor also gave him a bit of courage—either courage or it just stopped him from thinking so much.

“That sounds nice…” Joyce was fairly tipsy acting, though William couldn’t for the life of him figure out why. “Do you need any help?”

“I’ll be fine. It’s just a few suitcases I really need for tonight anyway; I can bring them in just fine.”

”Okay, good night, William.”

“Oh, before I go,” he paused, “What was it you and Buffy had an argument about—if you don’t mind me asking that is…just so I know what’s going on while I’m in the house with her.”

“Oh! Of course. She and I were just having a silly argument over you living there. She was worried she’d mess it all up…at least I guess that’s what it was,” she finished, thinking hard.

“What exactly happened, love?” Rupert asked, saving William from having to find a tactful way of asking just that.

“Oh, well, I was trying to tell her she wouldn’t mess things up and then I somehow ended up telling her she would. I don’t really know what happened. Shouldn’t you two know anyway?”

Now that confused Spike.

“Why should we know?” It was William that asked this time.

“Well, after she got upset with me, she told me she was going to help you with the dishes. She was gone for a few minutes and then she came back, kind of funny acting really, and told me she was leaving.”

“Well she never did come in…when was it?”

“Just a few minutes before you two came out here. I wonder what it was that upset her…she was more upset than when she left,” Joyce finished thoughtfully.

Spike was trying to think what could have happened—

And suddenly he knew—or, at least, he thought he knew.

While thinking about what they’d been talking about that could have possibly stopped her from entering the kitchen, he realized what he’d done.

He’d lost his phony accent.

He was back to speaking and sounding like himself.

And she’d heard him.

Buffy’d heard him and now she knew.

Not really thinking he muttered a quick explanation to Joyce and Rupert and left the house to quickly grab his bags from the car.

Buffy’d heard him…and she knew.

Buffy knew he was Spike.

She knew who he was.

Fuck.


TBC.......Please Review...........and I might be posting some short fics soon as well (if my beta can make me)....and, for those wondering, smut be soon...not telling when, but soon

Chapter 9

It was thinking time for Buffy.

It wasn’t what she was best at, granted, but she needed to do it.

William was Giles’ half-brother.

William was Giles’ brother.

Giles was married to her mother.

Giles was her step-father.

Giles was, for all intents and purposes, her dad.

William was her dad’s brother.

But that wasn’t right either.

Because, him being her dad’s brother would make him her uncle, but he wasn’t that at all. He really wasn’t anymore related to her than her neighbor Rich was.

But at the same time he was. Not in the ‘it would be wrong of them to be together’ way, but in the ‘if she fucked it up, Giles would be hurt’ way.

So, whatever did happen couldn’t end with them hating each other because then she would be putting Giles in a position she didn’t want him to ever have to be in.

She had to be careful whatever she did.

But was there even a need to be careful?

“I mean, who says he even…what’s to say he even wants me?” She was talking to herself, but she didn’t care right now.

“What if,” she started, “What if all our ‘conversations’ really are just a bunch of fun for him? Sure, he acts like there’s something there. And we just talk sometimes….but….what if it’s just to keep me talking to him?

”I bet I’m just a whore to him,” she convinced herself.

Lately she’d really started to think of herself as equivalent to a prostitute and now she was applying those thoughts to the current situation.

It was stupid to even think that Spike could be truly interested in her.

There was no way he’d fall for a girl like her.

He deserved so much better than her.

And he obviously knew it too.

He’d tried to stop her from knowing who he was. That fake accent, always telling her to call him ‘Spike’. They were all ways to stop her from making the connection.

But sooner or later he’d know she had, it had to happen.

She just had to take control of things before he did. She wasn’t going to let him reject her.

Buffy was going to give him what he wanted from her.

He saw her as a whore, something to get sex from and she was attracted to him—possibly more than attracted…

She’d give him what he wanted, what he expected from her, and she’d get to have just that little bit of him in the process.

With her plan fully decided, Buffy just sat back and waited for him to come.



When she was still sitting alone half an hour later, Buffy decided to up the ante a little.

Digging into the back of her closet she found her sexy, red lace babydoll. She failed to notice the irony of someone who considered herself no better than a prostitute having to search into the back of her closet for sexy lingerie.

Once she’d found it, she made her way into the bathroom (she hadn’t been lying about the shower) and took a quick shower, shaving all the appropriate places.

Strangely, even as she put on the babydoll and the matching thong and dried her hair, flipping it slightly at the end…strangely, it never entered her mind to be nervous.

It would make sense if she were. She had only had sex with one man before and that had been three years before.

Angel wasn’t someone she wanted to focus on though. She stopped the thoughts as she flipped her head upside down to blow dry the roots of her hair.

Sure, Angel and her dad, her real dad, were all a part of why she had the job she currently had. But she refused to think about them.

And, at least subconsciously, that was so that she couldn’t see the absurdity of what she was doing.

Buffy rubbed the lotion smoothly up and down her arms, the peach scent filling the room. She tried to clear her mind, focusing all of her attention instead of her preparations.

As the lotion glided up her legs, past her knees and as her fingers snaked up her thighs, Buffy’s thoughts were continually on Spike

She rubbed her hands briskly over her hips, ridding her palms of the excess lotion and went over her checklist silently in her head.

She was showered and shaved; her hair had been dried; her skin was as smooth as she could get it.

She started to reach for her favorite perfume, sitting atop her dresser in its pretty little bottle when the peach scent wafting around the room stopped her hand.

Instead she made her way back to the bathroom and rifled around in one of the cabinets for a few minutes. Finally she found her absolute favorite, no longer made and thus seldom used, peach scented body spray. Its smell worked well with her lotion.

She ran a brush through her silky hair one last time, making it shine and shimmer.

Buffy sat at her vanity and brushed a bit of glittery shadow across her eyes and applied just a hint of a vanilla flavored, clear lip gloss, making her lips shine sexily.

Smelling good and shining in all the appropriate places—and tasting good in some, Buffy decided that she was finally ready. Physically at least.

Deciding the mental readiness was not likely to ever come, Buffy went into the spare bedroom, the one she was assuming Spike would use, and sat on the bed. Thanks to her mother’s overt sense of hospitality, the bed that hadn’t been used or slept in since she’d lived there had been freshly made up each and every week, thus insuring that it was now fresh and clean.

She bet her mother didn’t expect her freshly made guest bed to be put to such uses. Not what Buffy had in mind for the night.

The thought that she was mistaken about Spike’s intentions towards her was still trying to creep into the forefront of her mind, but Buffy sat on the bed and attempted to look as hot as possible, still trying to crush down that thought and waited for Spike’s return.


TBC...(obviously)......please review...that and don't kill me....

Chapter 10


Spike was, as he carried his two small suitcases across the backyard to the pool house, ready to be confronted with an angry Buffy once he entered the pool house. Or a screaming and shouting Buffy. Or an upset, crying Buffy. Something at least that indicated she was mad at, or hurt by him.

What he wasn’t expecting was the welcome he did get.

The house was quiet as he went in what he hoped was the front door and saw three doors on the opposite side of the living room. One was open and led to the bathroom and the one on the opposite end was slightly open as well. Still clutching the suitcases, he toed off his shoes—he’d forgone his standard combat boots in favor of a nice pair of leather loafers, hoping to give off a good impression—and walked towards the partially open door.

Apparently, he thought, this was Buffy’s room. He looked quickly around, taking in the peach scent and the girly decoration of the room. Buffy wasn’t there though; he guessed she’d gone out after the fight with her mother.

Deciding to just make an early night of it, William made his way to the last door, knowing it had to be the second bedroom.

And that was when he got the welcome he hadn’t been expecting.

Managing to open the door without setting down either of the bags, he edged inside, his back to the room and set the suitcases along the wall before turning to turn on a light.

That’s when he was surprised by Buffy literally jumping on him.

He certainly hadn’t been expecting that, but wasn’t exactly going to object.

With his arms full of the obviously very eager girl, Spike fumbled along the wall until he found the light switch and flicked it on.

The light only served to increase the appeal of the situation.

Buffy, who had her legs locked tightly at her sides and was kissing and sucking along his neck, was dressed—if you could call it that—in some sexy little number. That was lacy and red. Fuck, but he loved a woman in red. Especially this woman, he decided.

Stumbling slightly, Buffy’s attentions making him less than stable on his feet, he made it the few feet to the bed and fell back so that he was flat on his back with Buffy on top of him.

As soon as she registered where they now were, though, Buffy stopped and stood up, just inches from the bed.

His mind still not processing things properly, Spike could only think ‘Want girl back’ and so he reached for Buffy, but she batted his hands away.

“Uh uh uh, Mister. Not so fast.”

“Buffy,” he begged, “Luv.”

“Hold your horses. I’m gonna make you feel good, but not just yet.” She tried her best to smirk at him sexily, but had no idea if she was actually pulling it off—the whole being coy yet sexy act.

“Why not?” he asked petulantly, still trying to get a hold of her, but she easily pushed his hands away each time. He wasn’t as coordinated as possible, but her standing in front of him in that tiny bit of nearly see through lingerie was bloody distracting.

“Wanna see you first.”

He didn’t know how long he was going to be able to put up with this. “You can see me just fine, now c’mere,” he ordered.

“Nu-uh,” She backed up even further. “Wanna see you first,” she repeated.

Buffy knew she had no idea what she was doing. She had, given her ‘profession’ over the last few months, figured out what to say and ‘do’ after all the clothes were gone and for the actual act itself. But this actual foreplay? With the person in the room? She was lost and just hoped that Spike didn’t end up laughing at her and her naiveté.

When he saw she was sticking to her guns, William gave in.

“What is it you want to see, kitten?”

“You,” was all she knew to say. She thought for a second that she’d meant something deeper by that answer, but pushed the thought away, violently, as soon as it registered.

Quickly stripping off his socks, Spike stood up, right at the edge of the bed.

“Want to help me?” he asked.

Why in the hell was she nervous? This wasn’t anything, not really. She was going to have sex with Spike. They’d fuck and that’d be that. Nothing more to it.

Taking a deep breath, mentally, she looked at Spike, trying her best to be sure of herself again…and the look in his eyes both helped and made it impossible at the same time.

She wasn’t ever going to think of this as just sex, but if that’s all she could have—all she should have? Then she’d best not ruin that, too.

“I did say that I wanted to see you. So I think I’m just going to do the ‘seeing’ here.”

“I can do that,” He smiled at her, never having dreamed that he’d ever get to do this…with her.

He was glad he’d dressed up for the night, the button down over a t-shirt and dress slacks with a nice belt gave him a lot more options when it came to stripping for her than his usual t-shirt and jeans did.

Slowly he unbuttoned his shirt and Buffy walked closer to him as he did, trailing her hand up and down his chest, disappointed when his unbuttoning only revealed another shirt underneath.

“No fair,” she pouted, rubbing herself against him.

“Not goin’ to get to see much of anything, for very long at least, if you keep that up,” he warned her.

“Fine,” she muttered, still pouting but stepping back a little, her hands still trailing lightly along his chest.

Spike couldn’t help it; he leaned forward and quickly kissed her on the lips. Her pout was just too adorable.

What neither of them, him specifically, seemed to realize at first was that this was their first real kiss.

Back by the door, Buffy’d been kissing along his neck and face, but hadn’t ever really kissed him. This, though….this was real.

And God, did it feel good.

Spike moaned deeply as Buffy ran her hot little tongue along his lips. As she pushed her tongue into his mouth and ran it along his own, he thought that he’d never felt this…lost in another person before.

Nearly forgetting his own plan, he reached out and pulled her against him, wanting to feel as much of her as he could while he kissed her.

It took until he pulled away from her, gasping for air, for him to get back to his plan. He pulled her hands from around her neck and gently nudged her back.

“Have to finish the show, luv.”

Buffy stopped herself from going back to him and leaned against the dresser that was to the side of the door, putting a bit more distance between them. She smiled and waved her hand in a gesture indicating for him to get on with the show.

Spike unbuckled and removed his belt before unbuttoning his pants. He stopped then and looked up at Buffy who was watching him expectantly. Deciding to tease her a little, he pulled his shirt from the unbuttoned pants and pulled it over his head.

Buffy knew it made her seem like a romance novel heroine, but she couldn’t help but gasp as his chest was revealed to her. She’d imagined that he was hot, all over, and seeing him earlier had only confirmed her situations, but…

Buffy was still processing her thoughts when he smirked at her and slowly unzipped his pants.

Wondering what was wrong with her and when she’d become so damn horny, Buffy grabbed onto the drawer pulls of the dresser behind her, physically stopping herself from moving towards Spike.

She was going to be patient and wait this out. It would be worth it.

He turned, teasing her one last time, and slowly stepped out of his pants. His ass was nice, she decided quickly, but any further perusal was halted as he turned around and all thoughts left her brain.

TBC......see, now you can't kill me ;-)........thank you all incredibly much for all the reviews (if I were without a migraine right now I'd be able to say that better)

Chapter 11

Wondering what was wrong with her and when she’d become so damn horny, Buffy grabbed onto the drawer pulls of the dresser behind her, physically stopping herself from moving towards Spike.

She was going to be patient and wait this out, it would be worth it.

And as he turned, teasing her one last time, and slowly stepped out of his pants. His ass was nice, she decided quickly, but any further perusal was halted as he turned around and all thought left her brain.

Excuse her language, but fuck was he gorgeous.

He was easily the most beautiful man she’d ever seen—even if she hadn’t ‘seen’ very man at all. And he truly was, beautiful that was.

His perfect face, with its wonderfully sculpted cheekbones and brilliantly blue eyes led to a perfectly sculpted chest and well defined arms, his beautiful hands currently hanging down by his hips, drawing her attention…

Now, she knew she hadn’t slept with many men, hadn’t watched any porn movies, so her experience with naked men and their, uh, package’s was extremely limited, but Spike…

Spike had to be much bigger than the ordinary man.

His beautiful, large, and fairly red and just a little angry looking (okay, so it was more than a little, but she was trying to tone down that nervousness) jutted out from his body. She couldn’t help but stare at it as it moved slightly as he did.

Still staring at him, Buffy walked slowly towards him.

“I think I like ‘seeing you’,” She told him with a sexy look.

“Enough that I can see you now?” He returned.

“Enough that you’ll just have to wait a bit,” She said as she pushed him back onto the bed.

He started to object, but she silenced him with a hand over his mouth as she straddled his chest, doing her best to ignore the feeling of his cock against her butt.

“Wanna play for a bit.” She leaned down and kissed him right where his jaw met his ear, whispering her words in his ear. “Gonna let me play?”

“Gonna let you do whatever you wanted,” He answered huskily, increasingly turned on by the minute. Buffy kissed and sucked at his ear until he was moaning and cursing under his breath, begging her to move her hips just a little bit further, whining when she refused.

She was beautiful he decided again as he tangled his fingers in her hair and pulled her mouth to his. Abso-fucking-lutely beautiful. The most beautiful woman in the whole world. And he decided to tell her.

“You’re the most beautiful girl in the whole world. You know that?” he murmured to her and she moved her kisses down his chest.

But any further declarations were halted as she bit on his nipple before blowing lightly on it.

“Like that?” She asked unnecessarily before moving further down, her hips moving down him as well.

He didn’t answer her, but he did grab her hips more tightly and pulled her down onto him roughly, grinding against her, making her gasp.

“Like that?” He turned the question to her.

“Uh huh,” She answered, deciding they’d taken enough time already and beginning to pull her babydoll over her head.

But as she grabbed the hem, Spike stopped her.

“Let me love,” he pulled the garment over her head and stared at her, her beautiful, pert breasts rising and falling as she breathed quickly, before turning them, somewhat awkwardly, so that Buffy was laying lengthwise on the bed, him poised over her.

“You are beautiful,” He told her again, gazing at her in what she could only describe as awe.

The reverent look in his eyes surprised her, but she passed it off as a man simply looking at a woman he was about to have sex with, nothing more.

“May I?” He asked politely, lying on his side, his face next to her stomach. He hooked his fingers under the sides of her thong waiting for her answer.

Buffy simply nodded her answer, surprised when instead of simply removing her underwear; he lightly kissed along the path, kissing her lightly ever inch as soon as the fabric of her underwear passed by the patch of skin.

He was being more attentive and loving than…anyone she’d ever been with, something she didn’t want to analyze too closely; more likely than not it was just a Spike trait, something he did with any and every woman. She wasn’t going to think of how many of them there were.

Spike couldn’t believe this was happening, even as he moved his face to her pussy, he thought he must be dreaming.

Buffy stopped him, not ready for that yet. Sex she could depersonalize, but that…somehow she wasn’t sure she could do the same to it.

“Not now,” She told him when he looked at her questioningly. “Want you inside me now,” She explained.

Spike wiggled his tongue at her lasciviously, “Nothing to say I can’t do both at once.”

“Yeah, yeah,” She muttered, “Just come here.” Buffy grabbed hold of his arms and pulled him so that he was positioned over her, his face above hers.

“Please,” She whispered, looking right into his eyes, her hands still gripping his arms.

Spike, never breaking eye contact with her, reached down and positioned himself at her entrance.

”Let me in?” He asked and after she wrapped her legs around him, pushed into her.

She tried, in vain, to hold back a shocked gasp at the slight bit of pain she felt as he pushed himself all the way into her. True it had been a long time since she’d thought about it, but she hadn’t expected it to hurt.

“You okay, kitten?” He looked at her in concern as she gasped; she was tighter than he ever could have imagined.

“F-Fine,” She told him, getting herself together. As if to prove her point she pushed her hips against him, causing his breath to catch at the sensation.

When he saw that she was okay, he started thrusting into her; her own hips rocking in time against his and creating feelings he’d never experience before.

“Fuck, Buffy. You feel so good, luv. So damn good.”

“Don’t stop Spike. Please don’t stop,” She panted.

They both just grunted and panted for several minutes as they rocked against each other, until Buffy spoke again.

“Harder Spike! Please, Spike. Harder,” She gasped in to his ear, begging.

When she tightened her legs around him and bit gently on his ear, he lost nearly all his control and started to thrust into her more forcefully, banging the wooden headboard against the wall.

Spike kissed her roughly and continued his thrusts until he felt her start to tighten and spasm around him.

Feeling his own orgasm approaching he broke away from her mouth and buried his face in her neck and, Buffy could have sworn, growling as she gasped out her own release, clutching at his back trying to pull him as close to her as possible.

“So, so good,” He mumbled against her skin as he collapsed on top of her. “Love, love, so good.” Spike didn’t even realize how close he was to admitting his love for her.

And neither did Buffy, she figured it was just another of his pet names…

Still buried deep inside her, Spike wrapped himself tightly around her and rolled them so she was now lying on top of him.

“Never leaving, Buffy,” He murmured making her nervous.

Buffy didn’t say anything, just listening as his breathing slowed down and then evened out as he fell asleep. She tried to stay awake…knew she had to leave, but every time she started to get up the warmth of his body and the safety she felt in his arms convinced her to stay just a few minutes more. To make sure he was asleep, she reasoned with herself.

Before she knew it, Buffy was falling asleep with him.

TBC........Please Review


Author's Note: to Burnz and anyone else who had the same thoughs, why Buffy is doing this job I hope will become apparent over the next few chapters if it isn't already...and also, it's pretty customary for 'phone sex operators' to work from home. When a man (or woman) calls, it goes through the main number to the operator and they get the payment information and then transfer it through to the girl's phone. That's how Spike kept talking to Buffy and how she worked from home. :)

Chapter 12


The pale pink sunlight, tinged with traces of purple that peeked around the corner of the shades, told them that dawn wasn’t too far gone…and yet, Buffy was leaving his bed.

She was standing there in just the red thong, looking for where it was he’d thrown the babydoll the night before.

Spotting it strewn atop the dresser, she rushed over to pick it up and slipped it over her head before turning around and jumping when she saw him propped up on his elbows on the bed.

“What’re you doing up?” she asked frantically, trying to smooth the bit of lingerie down, hoping in vain that it would somehow grow a few extra inches….or feet.

“Could ask you the same question.” He’d meant it to sound sarcastic when he originally thought it, but after hearing her tone and seeing the look on her face, it came out much more menacing.

“I…” ‘Be strong, Buffy,’ she told herself. “I didn’t mean to fall asleep in here. Sorry. I’m going to get going to my room now.”

Without another word, she started walking to the door, thanking her lucky stars that he was letting her go; she wasn’t sure how much of an explanation for her leaving she was going to be able to give him.

But before she’d even progressed five paces, Spike was standing there in front of her, blocking the doorway. Not to mention being fairly distracting, what with his nakedness and all.

“And why is that, luv?” he asked, looking down on her accusingly.

“Because,” she began, looking around him to a point on the wall—she was ready to do this now, as long as she didn’t have to look him in the eye. “Last night was fun, but that’s all it was: fun. It’s not like we’re starting something here or anything. I’m still going to sleep in my room and you’re still going to sleep in here. I didn’t mean to fall asleep in here, sorry.”

Even though, since he’d woken to find her gathering her clothes and sneaking out of his room so early in the morning, he’d been expecting that….even though….it still hurt.

And it also stunned him enough that he didn’t try again to stop her as she made her way around him and out of the room before going, presumably, to her own bedroom.


Not really thinking of anything at all, Spike walked back to the bed and sat on the edge, staring at the closed door for several minutes in silence before falling onto his back on the bed.

He tried to tell himself that it didn’t matter. That, like she’d said, it had been fun. That he’d been able to have sex with an incredibly attractive woman.

But that’s all it had been, sex. And with Buffy, his Buffy, he wanted it to be so much more. He wanted there to be feelings—love—behind it. Wanted to be able to tell her he loved her as he brought her such pleasure; wanted to hear her return the sentiment. And mean it.

And, foolishly, that’s what he’d thought was going to happen. He’d thought that…God it had been stupid, but he’d thought that they’d developed something during all those phone calls and that, last night, it was finally all coming to fruition.

Buffy had just been doing her job, he realized now. All those times that he felt she was really letting him in, letting him get to know her, she was just doing what she thought was necessary to keep him calling.

Hot tears silently slipped from his eyes as he stared sightlessly at the ceiling.

He was supposed to be rejoicing in the fact that he’d found a sexy woman who would provide him with no strings attached sex whenever he wanted….that’s what he was supposed to be doing.

He was a man, after all.

But above all of that, he was William. And it hurt to think she didn’t feel anything for him. That it had all been a job to her.

The tears silently continued as he cursed himself for being a fool for love again. And for getting burned.

Again.


* * *


After she practically ran into her own room, not wanting to give Spike a chance to stop her again, Buffy went into the bathroom and turned the taps until gradually warming water was spraying out of the shower.

She waited for a fair bit of steam to be floating around the room, letting her know that the water was in fact hot, before she stripped off her clothing and stuck her hand in the shower to test the temperature.

It was the right temperature, just hot enough to be relaxing but not burn her.

Buffy was just about to step through the open shower door when it all suddenly hit her, so hard that for the first time she knew what the phrase ‘like a ton of bricks’ meant.

Stumbling backwards to the door until her back hit it, making it shake in the frame, Buffy slid, naked, down to the floor. Drawing her legs tightly to her chest and wrapping her arms around her knees, she huddled her face in her folded arms and wept.

She wanted to say she was crying, but it was so much more than mere crying. She was weeping as if her heart were breaking. Which sounded incredibly melodramatic, but also appeared to be true.

She’d really felt something for William, developed strong feelings for him over the course of all those phone calls. And he’d seemed to care for her too. But she guessed that was just him placating her so she’d keep him ‘satisfied’.

If she’d had any doubts as to that fact—which she hadn’t—but if she had, his readiness to jump into bed with her would have squashed them.

She didn’t acknowledge the fact that the absolute reverse could also have been why he was so willing to spend the night with her.

Instead her heart broke over the fact that yet another man didn’t really want her.

Sniffling and rubbing roughly at her eyes with the heels of her hands, Buffy decided that she was going to have control of this relationship. Everyone else had left her with no options on her part. She wasn’t going to let Spike be the one making all the decisions.

They’d keep having sex because it was the only part of him she could have and because it was the thing that she could have control over.

Yes, that was going to work perfectly, she concluded, getting up and stepping into the still steaming shower. She wasn’t going to let Spike hurt her. Not like the others had.

* * *

But even as he thought it—that she’d simply been doing her job during all of those calls—he knew it wasn’t really the truth. Or at least, he refused to believe that it was.

Buffy just thought this was what she needed to do. Whether she were scared because, as she’d said, she didn’t think anyone would ever love her, or if she was worried about his relation to her father….whatever it was, he knew she was just trying to play it safe; to keep it meaningless.

He was going to prove to her that it was not meaningless and that she didn’t need to be afraid. And he was going to use her own plan against her—or rather, for her. He was going to use the sex they had to show her that he did care, even loved her quite possibly.

He was going to prove it to her.

Chapter 13



This whole having a sex only relationship would have been easier, Buffy thought, if her mother wasn’t so intent on treating William like her son. He was her husband's brother but she was treating him much more like a son; maybe it was the age difference, the fact that he was much closer to Buffy's age than Giles', or maybe it was the fact that Spike was in such a sad position.

She was going to go with the first option because William seemed to have been fine whenever she talked to him, and she wasn't going to do any more thinking as to why that was.

As far as Buffy was concerned, Spike was doing perfectly fine and didn't need any help from them—at all. For all she cared, he could move back to England.
Or so she told herself.

And she did tell herself just that, over and over again during the lunch that Joyce had set up for the four of them.

And wasn't that just a 50s sitcom waiting to happen? You know, she realized again, minus the fact that two of us are fucking each other…well, and Mom and Giles—she didn't let herself finish that thought, refusing to think about her mother and sex.

She had managed to avoid William all day, or for the five and a half hours of it that had passed since they'd woken up. The avoiding was something that she was thankful for. For some reason she wasn't quite ready to face him yet, which was why the lunch invitation had been met with something other than joy—something very other.

Her mother was obviously intent on the whole familial bonding thing. And from what was happening, Buffy guessed that it was going to start immediately. Oh joy!
The entire situation was a lot easier to deal with when it wasn't constantly being thrown in her face that Spike was her father's brother.

Buffy wasn't exactly a good little Christian girl, or even a good girl minus the Christian part, but even she was more than a little squicked by the idea of sleeping with her uncle.

Which was why he was going to be referred to as her 'step-father's half brother' from now on—in her head and otherwise.

"Oh dear," Joyce said as William met her on the outside patio where she'd laid their lunch out already. He looked exhausted, positively worn out. "Buffy didn't keep you up last night, did she?"

William didn't know how to answer that one.

"I know she used to snore when she was younger, I’d hoped that was done with by now. I'd hate for you to lose sleep because of it."

Deciding not to lie, he just answered the second part of her statement, "No, Buffy doesn't snore anymore."
"Must just be the jet lag then," Joyce murmured sympathetically.

"Must be," he agreed quietly as he noticed that Buffy was coming to join them.

She was trying to look chipper and awake--and happy. But William could see beneath the carefully applied make-up and the facade it provided; she looked as worn out as he did.

Which strangely, perversely, he was glad for. It meant that she wasn't as unaffected by their night together as she wanted him to believe--as she wanted to believe.

"Morning, Buffy," He said as nonchalantly as he could. "Nice to see you this morning, luv. Hope you had a good night's sleep."

If it hadn't been for that last part, Buffy would have sworn that he was being civil, that he'd accepted everything she'd declared that morning...but since he did say the last part, and with a wink no less, she decided that he was just positively evil, no two ways about it.

"Actually, I didn't sleep so well." Two could play this game, Buffy was coming to realize. "Wasn't really...comfortable...didn't feel so good."

'Ooh, you're playing with fire, kitten,' Spike thought, but he wasn't going to give in that easily. "Really? When I saw you, you looked like you were feeling really good--err I mean well," he pretended to correct himself.

"Guess it was just how things looked, then. I can be a pretty good actress if need be," she returned icily. It wasn't fair that he was always beating her at this. "Guess you just don't know me...to know that."

"That's right," he admitted, unfazed. "I don't know
you...yet. But I plan on getting to know you real well, pet. Just you wait and see. I am living with you after all." He threw in the smile for Rupert and Joyce's benefit, realizing their little quarrel was drawing attention.

"Right, but you know, I'm sure you'll have stuff to do during the day and since we have separate bedrooms and all, I'm sure we won't see too much of each other," Buffy couldn't help but add.

"Well of course you have separate bedrooms, no one expects you to be spending that much time together," her mother intoned. "But I do expect you to spend some time together"

"Yes, do be hospitable, Buffy," Giles added.
"Oh, Buffy's plenty hospitable," Spike told them, sounding to the two like he was coming to her defense when Buffy knew he had a whole other meaning behind the statement. "She just has to let herself do it."

"Very true, William," Rupert told him, happy to see that his brother and daughter were getting on so well.
"Would you all quit talking about me while I'm standing right here? It's aggravating!" Buffy knew it would seem like an overreaction to her parent's and by their looks it did, but Spike just laughed.

"Calm down, luv. We're just having a friendly conversation--that happens to be about you. No harm there."

"Well, quit it anyway," she grumbled, taking her seat at the patio table. "Aren't we going to eat? I thought this was supposed to be a family lunch."

"Yes, Buffy," her mother said patronizingly, "We can eat now. But," she added, stopping Buffy from thinking she'd gotten out of the conversation, "I really do wish you'd be nicer to William."

"Oh," Buffy practically seethed, Spike's nonchalant attitude, knowing smirks, and refusal to let her bother him finally getting to her, "I've been real nice to 'William'. Why don't you ask him about the 'nice' time we had last night?"

"Oh, really?" Giles asked, "What did you two do?"

Buffy waited expectantly for his answer, surprised when she didn't have to wait long and when, on top of that, he didn't even seem to bat an eye before answering.

"I thought it'd be nice just to spend some time together, you know learning about each other and all.

But Buffy wanted to play a game, so that's what we did. Silly bint thought I didn't know the rules, thought she was going to win. But I've got years of practice on her, been playing practically since she was born, I know all the rules--all the tricks too. I'm going to win--I mean, did win. I won our little game; was fun though," he added, smiling again at Buffy.






TBC.............Please review...and a big thank you to everyone who has so far--and for Panta for updating for me....Hope you'll review--and I'll try to get some new fics up soon :-)

I hope the spacing is all right, it kept taking thins out when I copy and pasted....


and if youd like to see just how deranged I can be: here's a fic Panta wrote with an idea I had/gave her http://www.spikeluver.com/SpuffyRealm/viewstory.php?sid=18810

Chapter 14


"Don’t you have to work? Like a job, you know?" Buffy asked incredulously and with not a little annoyance when she saw Spike still just sitting on the sofa watching TV and reading--somehow at the same time.
She knew that if he were anything like Giles, which in the current context he was, then he'd inherited quite a large sum of money when he'd turned eighteen and even more on his thirtieth birthday, all from his father's side.

And since that last date had only been something like three years ago, she figured he had plenty of money and could do without working for a while, but...
She didn't like him being around all day, every day.
"Do have a job, kitten," he informed her, never looking up from his book.

"And that is?" she asked expectantly.

"I'm reviewing this book."

"Spike, deciding what you think of a book is not a job." She couldn’t help rolling her eyes; he was so stupid sometimes.

"Is when they're asking me for a review so they can put it in the bloody Post." When he saw that she wasn't catching on, he explained further, "The Washington Post and a few other smaller papers run my book reviews, luv."

'Okayyy,' she amended her earlier thoughts. 'Why does he have to have a job that involves him lying around the house all day?'

"And it's not like you have a job of your own there, blondie," He'd meant a 'day' job but as soon as the words were out of his mouth he realized how he'd said it.

"I don't have a job?" She asked, and he knew he was in trouble. "Oh, how quickly they forget," she mused. "I'll show you just how much of a 'job' I have, Spike."

He was really in for it now—he didn't know how, but he knew he was from the look on her face.

He decided that staying where he was and acting like nothing was happening would be the best course of action. There wasn't much she could do to him here.
The whole conversation had started out innocently enough, Buffy decided; she was just trying to get him out of the house so he'd leave her alone for a bit. She hadn't meant to start someting. But she had.

William, who was studiously focusing his attention on his book again, didn't notice as Buffy approached the sofa.

But he did notice when she straddled his waist.

"What are you doing pet?" He asked nervously as he set the book down on the coffee table and turned his attention to Buffy.

"Thought it was kind of obvious," she answered.

"Humor me."

"You don't think I have a job," she explained. "I'm going to show you just what kind of a job I have."

It'd been over a week since that first night; a week where much less than either had expected, happened.
Spike sure wasn't sure he wanted to do this, but somewhere deep in his mind he knew what kind of effect turning her down would have on Buffy. And besides, there was his plan.

Spike smiled at her and waited until she leaned down and kissed him before speaking. "This isn't your job," he said simply when she pulled away from the kiss.
"Yeah, you're not paying me," Buffy joked, refusing to read any more into it.

"Buffy--" he warned dangerously, "that's not what I mean."

But she wasn't ready for that. "Shut up, Spike."

She muffled his protest by kissing him as she scooted further down him before unbuckling his belt.

"Buffy--"

"Spike."

He had a feeling he wasn't going to win this particular round.

"Can we at least go into your room? Or mine?"

"Nope," Buffy said, putting more of her plan into action. "Want to stay right here. Besides, that way you can get a better idea of just what my job is."

Buffy quickly discarded her shirt, hoping the sight of her naked chest would distract him—

'Jesus,' he thought. 'Does she ever wear a bra?'

--while she enacted the other part of her plan.
She picked up the television remote from its place on the coffee table and punched in a few numbers before sitting it back down.

"What are you doing?" Spike asked her when he saw what she'd put it on, still slightly distracted by the way her breasts were bouncing ever so slightly as she leaned between the sofa and the table.

"Again, I thought that was kind of obvious." Buffy attempted a light tone.

"That's porn, love."

"Well...duh. So?"

"Buffy, I don't want to watch that while I'm with you."

"Kind of sets the mood though, makes you horny and all that." She held back the part about thinking that she wasn't any different than the woman currently moaning and thrashing about on the screen and that this was her way of showing it to him.

Whatever he was going to say wasn't something Buffy was very interested in hearing so she simply stood up and took off her pants. Spike was glad that she'd at least left--

Okay, so she wasn't leaving her panties on...was she trying to kill him?

He lifted his hips up when she leaned down to pull his pants half way to his knees.

There was something about this girl that made almost all of his reasonable thoughts fly right out the window. He knew they shouldn't be doing this, knew it would damage their relationship, yet he couldn't find a way to stop.

Spike expected her to stand back up, but instead she nimbly put her knee on one side of his, near the back of the couch, and slid herself up his body.

If he hadn't already been near rock hard, the feel of her slightly pebbled nipples gliding up his body would have done it. Instead, it only served to arouse him further.

"Can you do something for me, Spike?" she asked as she was lying full on top of him, his erection encased between them.

He was ready to promise her the moon at that moment. "Anything."

"Watch that," she said as she turned her head to the left towards the television, waiting for him to do the same.

"Rather watch you," he reasoned.

"Don't care," she said and sat back up, scolding him when his gaze turned to follow her. "Watch them," she ordered.

Buffy waited until he'd obediently turned his head back to the side, watching the erotic scene being played out, before taking his stiff prick in her hands.

"Buffy...we need a--" he started, his lust addled mind finally registering something.

"A condom?" she asked, waiting until he nodded. "You honestly think someone like me isn't on the pill?" she
scoffed.

Not willing to wait anymore, she titled her head pointedly towards the television and, as he turned his attention back to it, sank down on his shaft.

Spike reached up blindly to fondle her breasts only to be stopped as Buffy moved his hands to her waist.

"Please, kitten," he said as he felt his hands move up and down with her hips as he turned to watch her.
Buffy stopped then, stopped moving completely.

"Watch them," she ordered again, waiting until his attention was back on the screen before moving again.

Spike didn't care to watch the acted out scene, finding what was happening in the same room much more arousing. He didn't care to watch a woman with overly styled chestnut hair rub an ice cube along breasts that had obviously seen a doctor’s scalpel more than once.

It was a naked woman, sure, but that's all it was. Seeing her teasing her nipples as she now sat on the man's lap, having put the ice cub, somewhat sexily, into his mouth and letting him wet her fingers; it just didn't do it for him.

Seeing the buxom brunette writhing as the man pumped first one, then two, then three fingers into her at a steadily increasing pace should have turned him on, heightened his current experience. But all he wanted was to look at Buffy.

It was her moaning that he wanted to hear, her breasts that he wanted to see bouncing as she threw her head back and rode his fingers.

Deciding to hell with her rules, Spike grabbed a hold of Buffy's hips more tightly, and flipped them, literally turning the tables on her.

"Spike?" she asked questioningly, surprised that her ploy hadn't worked.



TBC.........Purdy please review? I'll try to reply to all of the reviews I've gotten so far as soon as I get some more time--stupid, crazy lfe.

Also, because it's all her fault and because Panta_rei is a magnificent beta: here's a Supernatural fanfic I wrote...in case any of you like that show and would be interested in reading the ficlet: here

Since I'm bumping her lovely story off the top of the updates list: Please read Nikilicious' William's Angel

and I posted a fun little ficlet..that I hope is funny...yesterday: The 'Ship that Floats Our Boat [Both links should open in a new window]...now to this story ;-)





Chapter 15


"Spike?" she asked questioningly, surprised that her ploy hadn't worked.

"Don't want to watch them," he answered, taking in the sweat glistening on her forehead and chest. "Want to watch you," he continued, murmuring huskily into her ear.

"You watch them," he said with conviction.

"But--"

"No," he challenged. "You watch them, I'm watching you."

Buffy dutifully turned her head sideways to watch the screen, not knowing what else to do. She didn't seem to be able to stay in control of things when Spike was involved.

He waited until he was sure her attention was fully on the screen before beginning to move inside her again.

"Keep watching," he said, nuzzling her neck when she gasped and tried to turn back to him.

Just wanting to do whatever it took to keep him moving, she turned back to the movie.

His thrusts became slow and shallow, barely moving out of her before pushing back in and grinding against her ever so slowly...painfully slowly. Buffy tried to tighten her legs around his hips as he continued kissing and sucking at her neck, hoping he'd quicken his pace, but he wasn't giving up so easily.

"Do you like that, Buffy?" he asked, his voice like silk as she felt the breaths against her ear.

"Like seeing her writhing and moaning like that?" He gently brushed her sweat soaked hair away from her face and behind her ears, glad for once that Drusilla had played her little games with him and not allowed him to come until she was ready. "Does it get you hot, pet?"

He moved his head so he could bite down on her nipple, licking and sucking on it afterwards to soothe it.

So enthralled by his voice and the pictures he was painting, Buffy never turned her head from the scene playing out on the screen.

"Do you like seeing him lick her cunt like that?" The man and woman had moved to the bed in the room and were now being joined by another woman, a young blond, who was lying alongside the woman and fondling her breasts.

"Do you?" he asked again, this time wanting an answer.

She just nodded, but he again slowed down his thrusts and stopped twisting his hips right before he was all of the way inside her, something Buffy guessed meant he wanted an answer.

"Yes," she said, her voice breathy and low. "I like it."

"Bet you'd like having that girl, too....like having two people working on you, wouldn't you sweets? Having me licking and sucking at your pussy while some bird sucked on those rosy nipples of yours."

Buffy hadn't ever thought of doing anything sexual with a girl before--maybe she'd thought of kissing, but that was it. But the image Spike has just painted? She didn't know if it was the fact that it was him, or the current situation, or something else entirely, but it was getting her hot...and wet.

"Gets you hot just thinking about it, I bet." He sounded like he was teasing her when he picked up the speed of his thrusts and angled himself just so each time.

She knew she didn't care.

"Could get the girl a nice strap on and let her fuck you too, bet you'd like that." He was still at her ear, leaving her no doubt as to what it was he was whispering.

Buffy moaned again as he bit her ear at the same time as he thrust all the way into her, quick and hard that time.

"Would you let me watch?" he asked, moving from her neck to kiss down to her breasts. "Let me watch as she pounds into you so hard it pushes you up the bed and you're moaning and gasping for more? As you wrap your legs around her skinny little waist; as your breasts rub up and down against hers, your nipples hardening against each other?"

Buffy was moaning and writhing now, her gaze fixed on the television screen where the man was still licking away at the woman, now using a few of his fingers as moaned and thrashed about in much the same way Buffy was.

Spike could tell Buffy was close and, truth be told, he wasn't sure how much longer he could hold out himself. So just a few seconds after the actress screamed out her orgasm and the man moved atop her and pushed into her, Spike increased his thrusts.
Buffy never took her eyes off the man and woman fucking on the screen, or the blond lying beside them, fingering herself as she watched them. With all Buffy'd experienced lately, this was still the hottest thing she'd ever done.

She wrapped one arm tightly around Spike’s neck while the other pulled at his still clothed back--and somehow that added to the appeal. The fact that the actors and herself were naked while Spike was nearly full clothed was incredibly arousing to her. It was somehow ...dirty....illicit.

"Spike, please!" She plead, even as he increased his thrusts, the denim of his jeans rubbing against her ankles as she moved with him.

He redoubled his efforts, pushing into her harder and faster than before, kissing and biting his way from her ear, along her neck, to her breasts as she continued watching the trio on the screen.

The man was pounding into the brunette at a nearly brutal pace and Buffy couldn’t hold back a small scream and Spike did the same. It wasn't them on the screen, but they were doing the same things she was watching happen...

The brunette’s head was thrown back as the man gasped and moaned, orgasming as he buried his face in the pillow next to her head, the blond screaming out her own release seconds later and slumping down next to them.

"Look at me, pet," Spike said when he knew Buffy was just seconds away from coming herself. "Want you to see who's making you come."

It sounded incredibly possessive to the both of them, but she still obliged, not able to stop the surprise from registering on her face when she saw the look in his eyes. But she quickly squashed down that feeling and concentrated on the sensations he and his body were evoking in her, something not hard to do right now.

"I can feel it," he told her, "feel how close you are.
Come for me, baby." And that last thrust of his hips as she thrust her own up against him was all she needed before Buffy was screaming and moaning in pleasure from her own release, Spike following her after a few more quick thrusts.



TBC......Please Review.....and if I haven't said so enough lately: THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU to all of you who have reviewed so far...I love each and every review so, so much

Chapter 16

It was several minutes before either of them spoke.

"That was..." Spike started, unable to find a word; knowing he was sounding incredibly cliché and sappy at the moment, but not caring.

"Great?" Buffy asked. "Fantastic?"

"Bloody brilliant's more like it." They lapsed back into comfortable silence, both just thinking.

Buffy was happy with the way the day was progressing. This was nice. No pressure, just some fun. It was fucking fun.

She laughed when she realized the double meaning of that but refused to tell Spike what it was about when he looked at her questioningly.

"Go out to dinner with me on Friday."

Well that stopped any and all of her laughter.

"No," she said simply, somberly.

"What do you mean 'no'?"

"I can't go to dinner with you on Friday," she explained.

"Fine, we'll go Saturday." He wasn't letting her out of this one easily. He wasn't giving up on her.

"Spike, I can't go out with you on Friday or Saturday or any other day." Buffy tried to be calm about it, but explaining this all to him, especially in the position they were in, wasn't very easy.

"Why not?" he pressed, not moving a muscle, knowing she'd try to run if he let her up just now.

"Because--could you at least sit up?" She couldn't do this with him that close to her.

And maybe he knew it.

"No."

"Spike--"

"I'm not getting up, Buffy. Not until you tell me why it is we can't go out. If I let you up now, you're going to run into your room and lock the door on me and I'll never find out why."

"I'd tell you," she argued.

"Yeah, after a few days when you’ve had a chance to think up an appropriate answer." He wasn't giving in--why couldn't she see that?

If she was acknowledging things, which she wasn't, she'd acknowledge just how true to form that was for her; how well he knew her.

"I would not do that!" She attempted to sound outraged even though that was what she'd been thinking of doing.

"Fine, then tell me your reason--since you have one--right now, then I'll let you up."

'Think Buffy, think! Come on, you're not a stupid girl, you can come up with a reason...and don’t tell him it's because you're a whore and this is all you deserve, he thinks it but doesn't want to hear it,' her mind warned her.

"I'm not in a place to be dating anyone right now," she intoned.

"Not in a place," he mocked. "Are you off your bird?

You'd fuck me six ways from Sunday given half the chance--have twice already, but you're not 'in a place to date anyone'?" He couldn't believe that was the reason she was giving him.

"Fine, then why don't we just not 'fuck' anymore." She said it with so much feeling that he stopped to really look at her. And, mentally, so did she. That wasn't what she'd meant to say...she didn't want to lose him completely, but...

What he'd said had hurt; it was what she'd spent all the time since that first night convincing herself--that he wanted her for the sex--but hearing that, which was basically the same thing, had hurt.

That wasn't what Spike wanted either. There was no way for him to convince her that she was worth it if they had no sort of relationship---well, not now that one had started anyway.

Before all this had gotten going, if he'd acted--or reacted--better that first night, then maybe he would have been able to start a normal relationship with her--maybe. There were, after all, still those phone calls to take into account.

But now that things had started, and especially after today, to end it; to end it in favor of a normal, dating relationship, would only be seen by Buffy as rejection.

And that would damage his case beyond repair, he feared.

"That's not what I mean, luv." He tried to gently explain it to her. "Just thought dinner would be nice. But if you're not okay with dating, then what we have is more than enough."

See? She knew all he wanted from her was the sex.

That last statement had just proved it.

Any other person would have known Buffy was twisting and turning things until they fit what she expected, what made her comfortable even as it hurt her, but she'd gone so far into her denial that she couldn't see it...even if she'd wanted to.

"Good. Now can I get up?" She needed to get away from him, at least for a little while. To stop herself from wanting more from him. It wasn't good to want things you couldn’t or shouldn't have.

"Of course, pet. Didn't mean for you to think I was holding you here--" she just gave him a pointed look—"Even though I literally was. Just wanted to get an answer from you before you scampered off."

"Well you have your answer," she told him unnecessarily.

"And you may get up."

Buffy turned her head away, refusing to look at him as he sat there on his knees, his pants still undone and around his knees, his shirt rumpled from where she'd pushed and pulled at it---but mostly she tried to ignore the evidence that he was more than willing, and ready, to partake in a little more of what they'd been doing earlier.

To his credit, Spike did attempt to button his pants back up, but it was hard with his semi-hard cock and the pants stuck around his knees.

Buffy made sure she was suitably dressed and collected the rest of her things before going into her own bedroom, locking the door behind her.

Spike just lay back on the sofa, his pants done up again, and listened to the lock click in place; everything else in the small house was silent.

He wished this would stop getting so complicated. He wasn't entirely sure that what he'd just done was smart--not the asking her to dinner, but rather the before.

He wanted to be able to show her that he really did care for her, wanted more from her, but...it was just so easy to get caught up in her. He needed...he needed to stay in control more next time--no, not that kind of in control, in control of himself and his actions.

Buffy might think she'd won this round--hell, she might even have won it, but he was winning the next time.

So far every time they'd been together had really been no more than...well, than fucking, but he needed to show her that there could be more to their couplings than that.

Now he just had to await the opportunity, which knowing Buffy--and he did, no matter what she thought--wouldn't be too far away.


TBC....... Please review (and thank you so, so much to allof you who have been reading and reviewing so far...the response to this story just amazes me more than I can tell you......thank you!)...and congratulations to Fibble :-)

oh, and good luck to everyone nominated at Love's Last Glimpse Awards

I've posted a few drabbles on my livejournal...I'll try to get you all the link to them on Tuesday in case anyone's interested.

banner I made and one Elena made:





Chapter 17
Sure this was a risky idea...but it would be fun.
Her parents had been supposed to go out of town--that's when Buffy had come up with the whole idea in the first place--but their plans had changed last minute and now they, well, weren't.

Didn't mean she was scrapping the plan though. Even
if it was a potentially dangerous one now.

Like she said, it'd be fun. If she and Spike were going to have a purely sexual relationship, then she was most definitely going to take advantage of it as much as possible.

Even if it was maybe a little risky.

William knew he wasn't really getting through to Buffy–not like he'd planned to, at least. He'd hoped that last time they'd had sex that he would have been able to get something through to her; well, at least before things had started. She'd been so intent on somehow proving that he didn't want to have sex with her—that he just wanted to have sex period—that he'd felt the need to prove to her. Well, he still wasn't one hundred percent sure what he'd proved. But he hoped that regardless, she'd know now that there was something there for him, that he wanted to be with her.

He didn't think she knew that though. It was why he really was going to prove it to her the next time she gave him the opportunity.

"Spike?"

Maybe that opportunity was coming sooner than he thought.

"Yeah, luv?" He was currently sitting on his bed, reading over his latest review one more time before submitting it. "You can come in by the way," he called to her, circling a mistake with his red pen.

"Thanks," Buffy said as she did just that. "I thought--" She stopped when she saw that he was working. "Oh! Sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt; I mean you have work to do and I should really just be going and leaving you alone now," she rambled, having no idea really why she was doing so.

"Wait!" He knew it sounded desperate. "I'm just finishing up. What is it you wanted to ask?"

"I was just going to go for a swim--live in the pool house, might as well use the pool sometime."

"And you...want me to make sure you don't drown?" He wanted her to ask; maybe that way she could see that it was the idea of time with her more than the idea of the pool drawing him.

"No," she said rolling her eyes, "I was wondering if you wanted to join me."

"Think I could do with a swim after all this work. Be good company too."

"Ooh, fun!" Buffy bounced a little, "I'll go get my suit on. Meet you out there?" she asked as she walked out of the room.

"Be just a bit." Of course he'd packed a swimming suit, since he was visiting and possibly even moving to California. So he knew it was there; now he just had to find it. He really should have fully unpacked already but he'd kept putting it off.

He rifled through the bags quickly, ignoring the mess he made, nearly shouting out his excitement when he found the desired item. But he managed to hold it in, instead just sporting a huge grin that he would have hidden from anyone who came into the room at that moment.

He changed quickly in his room and took a few conscious, deep breaths before walking out to meet Buffy.


Being a true California girl, Buffy had several bathing suits to choose from, ranging from the conservative one she wore when her parents and others were around to the barely there. She even had one that she had been to nervous to wear just yet, feeling a little too naked in it. So, of course, that was the one she chose.

Buffy changed in the bathroom, tying all of the strings tightly, but not in knots. Her hair looked better down she knew, but for what she had planned that wasn't very practical; so she piled her hair up high on her head and fastened it in a bit of a knot with a small elastic band.

After applying some clear, waterproof lip gloss, Buff decided she was ready.

This was going to be fun.


Spike was already in the pool when she got outside, swimming laps on his back. He was good looking, she decided. Not that she hadn't knowing it before, but now, with the water gliding over him and his muscles flexing...ooh, this really was going to be fun.

Knowing it would ruin the effect--and maybe her plan--if she just got into the pool, she stood on the edge of the tiles and waited.

And waited.

Deciding that the waiting was ruining the plan too (but secretly impressed that he could do that many laps), Buffy walked to the far end of the pool and waited for Spike, standing right over where he'd reach the edge.

It worked. Spike touched her foot as he turned around and she could see how it surprised him.

He swam a few feet before surfacing.

"Could kill a bloke doing that, pet."

"Yeah, right," she scoffed.

"Could have hit my--" He got the water out of his eyes and finally got a good look at her. "Could kill a bloke that way too."

"What way?" Buffy feigned innocence.

"You know what way," was all he said. "Looking like that's just plain dangerous." Buffy tried to hide her blush. "Now you coming in or not?" He swam to the edge and waited for her answer.

"Sure I am." Buffy sat on the edge before slowly easing herself into the pool. "You just need to be more patient, mister."

"Don't want to be bloody patient." Spike moved closer towards her, waiting in the middle of the pool for her to get in the water.

"Lucky you then. Looks like you don't have to be." Buffy swam to him, stopping just a foot away. “What is it you're so eager to do exactly, Spike?"

He wanted to ask her to call him William, just once; but he didn't. That could wait for later. There were more pressing matters at hand right now.

"Nothing in particular," he said, answering her question. "Just some fun maybe."

"Fun?" She pretended to contemplate it. "Fun I can do."


TBC........purdy please leave me a reveiw?

and my website has a new layout..not sure if I told you yet: Still Thinking...and I'll update Saturday then probably not again til the next Saturday (I'll be out of town--but don't worry, it won't be fun)

Conclusion to My Boyfriend's Back will be posted tomoorrw :)

banner I made and one Elena made:



(I keep forgetting to include those)


Chapter 18

Spike waited until Buffy was closing the gap between them, a conspiratorial look on her face, before ducking under the water and around her.

In the darkness it startled Buffy a bit and she jumped when Spike wrapped his arms around her from behind.

"What’s the matter? Cold?"

"Uh huh," she squeaked before recovering herself. "And wet, too. You made me all wet, Spike."

"None of that," Spike stopped her when she tried to turn around in his arms. "Don't want that kind of fun. Not yet," he explained.

"Then what do you want to do?" Buffy was ready for the one kind of fun, but didn't know what he wanted to do now.

"Thought we could just swim around for a bit. This is a pool after all."

"But that's no fun," she pouted, squirming in his arms.

"Sure it is. Sex isn't the only thing that's fun," he told her. "Just want to relax a little, okay?"

Buffy had hurt a little when he mentioned that sex wasn't the only kind of fun; that's probably what he thought she was thinking.

"Okay." And she just watched as he moved from behind her and swam to the other end of the pool.

Reaching the end of the pool, he resurfaced and looked expectantly at her, "Well, luv?"

"I don't want to get my hair all wet," she explained, thinking of her styled hair and carefully applied make up.

"None of that girly girl stuff," he chided. "You want to have fun, we're going to have fun. Now, come here."

Why did he always seem to shoot all of her plans straight to hell?

'Maybe because you have stupid plans,' she told herself as she dove under the water and swam to the end quickly.

Not ready to give up completely just yet, Buffy slid up Spike's body, looking at him when she was finally standing.

"Just a little fun?" she asked.

Spike smirked at her, leaning down to kiss her. After several seconds he lifted her up by the hips on the premise of kissing her better.

"See?" she said, thinking she'd won a little. "Not so bad."

"Nope, not so bad," he laughed and he threw her back from him, leaving her sputtering as she came up from the surprise dunking.

"You...! You big....meanie! That was just mean!"

"Meanies usually are mean," he joked. He worried she'd be mad at him; his plan had two outcomes, anger or humor. He could see on her face though that it was slowly becoming the latter.

"I'm going to get you!" Buffy threatened, starting to walk to him, the water making it harder.

"Like you could catch me." Spike again dove under the water, swimming to the other end. Buffy surprised him by surfacing too just a few seconds later.

"Did I forget to tell you I was on the swim team in high school?" she asked, splashing him with water. She knew there was no way she'd be able to pull him under the water so the splashing was the best she coudl do.

"Something we have in common then." He tried grabbing her hands to stop the splashing but it didn't work; she evaded him. "Race you to the end," he said.

"I'm gonna beat you," Buffy said, sounding so sure of herself that he knew that even though he might be able to beat her, he wasn't going to. Buffy was so rarely self confident that he wasn't going to endanger what little she had now.

"Guess you were in high school just a bit less long ago than I was," Spike said by way of explanation when he reached the end only to find Buffy there, waiting on him.

"You better not have let me win," she warned.

"I didn't, promise." And he really was telling the truth.

"Well this winner wants a reward." Spike was surprised when Buffy wrapped her arms around his neck and gave him a kiss. The sweetest one she'd given him yet. Every other time she'd kissed him it had been so...sexual; which he knew made sense given that it was a kiss, but this was different.

As much as she might not want there to be, there was emotion behind it.

Not stopping the kiss, Spike eased them back until Buffy's back was against the side of the pool.

"I think I like it when you win," Spike said, resting his forehead against hers as he kept her between him and the pool wall.

"Think I like it too," Buffy whispered, forgetting all about her plan and kissing Spike again.

Somewhere in the next few minutes of their kissing William realized that maybe this wasn't the best place to be doing this; her parents--his stepbrother and sister-in-law--were just a few feet away, really. Maybe it, the realizing, was after moved her legs from where they'd been running along his, to wrap them around his waist. Yeah, maybe that was when.

This was stupid to be doing right here, but it was the first time Buffy was really letting him kiss her like he wanted to; this time she wasn't trying to prove something to herself. There was no way he was letting common sense or logic get in the way of what he was feeling right now.

Buffy broke away from yet another kiss just seconds later and dropped her legs from around his waist, disappointing William.

"Not going anywhere," she said, seeing the look that he'd made no attempt to hide. "Just want to...do something else."

There was no question as to what she meant as he felt her move her hand down his front, stopping at the top of his swim shorts.

Ah, so the Buffy who had to prove something was back, William mused.

"Uh-uh," He stopped her hand, moving back around hs neck where it had been, "None of that now."

"Spike?"

"Doesn't always have to be about that," he told her.

"You can't say you don’t want it," she objected. "I can feel that you do." She pulled him closer and rubbed herself against him.

"Luv." He pulled back from her a little bit, putting one hand on her hips to still any movement, "I'm never going to not want you. That's not what I'm saying, now. Saying that not everything we do has to turn into sex. Let's just have fun."

"But sex is fun."

"Fine, let's just have fun without sex."

"Spike," she argued, "do you really think I wore this suit just for the heck of it? It was supposed to make you want me."

"And it succeeded very well. But I don't want you thinking all I want from you is sex."

She froze when he said that, thinking that he'd somehow read her thoughts and that was why he'd said that. There was no way he could have meant it.

"But what if it's what I want?" Buffy asked.

"Then it's simple," he decided. "You keep your hands right where they are and let me do the work."

"What?" She wasn't entirely sure what he was suggesting.

"You’ll see," Spike said...and she did.

She knew he was going to do it; there wasn't much else he could do that meant moving his hand in that direction. But it still caught her slightly off guard. She hadn't really ever...

"Spike?" she questioned again.

"Shh, luv," he whispered and kissed her, his fingers moving further inside her bikini bottoms.

Buffy moaned as she simultaneously felt his tongue enter his mouth and his fingers move inside her.

She expected him to thrust his fingers into her faster, harder, anything but what he did. His fingers moved inside her, slowly, hitting all the right spots and leaving her moaning.

Buffy tightened her arms around his shoulders in an attempt to do something, anything, to bring him closer to her. She felt Spike smile against her mouth, but didn't care.

He stopped her though when she tried to wrap her legs around him again; and she couldn't take it any longer.

"Please?" she nearly begged, breaking away from their kisses.

"Let me do this my way," he said. "Let me make you feel good, kitten." She looked like she was going to object and it was his turn to ask, "Please?"

It was too close to his asking her to trust him so she didn't answer him vocally.

Spike took her lack of objection as acceptance and continued his ministrations, kissing her once again. He was glad when Buffy didn't say anything else as he slowly worked her towards orgasm.

It was several minutes later when he felt Buffy tightening around his fingers and breaking away from his mouth. Neither of them thought of the other people on the property as she nearly screamed in pleasure before kissing Spike again.

"Told you," he said quietly when she ended the kiss. It took the few seconds while his look turned from a tender one to a smirk for to take in what he said.

"Oooh, you!' She pushed him off her, actually managing to push him under the water that time.

But he pulled her under with him and thus began their water play once again.



TBC......pretty please review? Also, I love you all for reviewing so much thus far (I'd say keep up the good work but that'd sound conceited)

Also, I'm out of town this coming week so Chapter 19 will be posted next Saturday...and a new story might even make its appearance next week on maybe Thursday or Friday if I'm back....

Introducing (said in a big, fun announcery voice):


A Spuffy, Spangel, Spander, Bangel, and Spuffel (but mostly Spuffy) awards site that Panta_rei and I made!

GO NOMINATE FICS AND PIMP US LIKE YOUR LIFE DEPENDS ON IT....you never know, it just might

okay, now that I'm done being annoying with that...onto the fic:









Chapter 19

They were having a family breakfast the next morning, against Buffy's wishes. She didn't think her thoughts had ever been that jumbled before and she wasn't sure how to handle it.

"Oh, Buffy? William? Did either of you two hear anything last night? Rupert and I thought we heard a noise last night, but Rupert told me I was hearing things."

When he looked at him, William thought that his half-brother might know more than he was letting on.

"Buffy and I went swimming last night. Dunked her a few times, probably heard her being a big baby about it," he explained.

'He'd be good at helping keep a rela--Bad Buffy! No thinking that William would be good at hiding a relationship. You don't have a relationship. And you're not going to.’

"Well, I'm glad it was just Spike," Buffy didn't catch the name that time, "being mean. If something were actually happening and you didn't check..."

Knowing that her mother would be investigating from now on, would help her not get into things like that with Spike again.

"First: Spike? And second: I have you two to investigate, nothing for me to worry about."

Well there went that plan.

"Spike's just a nickname, Joyce," Spike explained when he saw Buffy wasn't answering. "Thought with Buffy and I living together we shouldn't be so formal."

"You'll forgive us if we call you by your given name still?" Giles asked, meaning him and his wife.

"Of course. I never expected otherwise."

Buffy wondered if he'd let her call him Spike if they'd met under different circumstances. Didn't matter though, they hadn't.

"Do you think I could be excused?" Buffy asked suddenly.

"But Buffy," her mother argued, "we haven't even started breakfast really." It was true; their plates were still full with the eggs benedict and sausage that Joyce had made them all.

"I know and I'm sorry. I'm just not feeling very up to eating right now. I don't feel so well."

"I suppose that you can then," she said reluctantly, noticing that Buffy did look a little under the weather. "But only if you take your plate with you and promise me you'll try to eat something."

"I can do that," Buffy said, already getting up. "Sorry for messing something up again."

"Nonsense, dear," Giles assured her, though her mother wasn't so quick to agree. "You just rest up and feel better soon."

William thought he knew what Buffy seemed so uneasy over, but wasn't sure.

"I can come with you," he offered. "Don't want you all lonely while you're sick."

"No!" She protested too loudly, causing them all to look at her strangely. "I think I just need to rest."

"Okay, well if you need anything..."

Buffy could just tell that she was going to be hearing from her mother soon just how sweet William was. Yeah, he was sweet. And that was the problem. He was supposed to be a jerk like all the other guys had been.

"I'll be fine," she said grumpily and left the house, carrying her breakfast plate with her as promised.

They all watched silently as she left and no one said anything for a few moments afterward.

"So, William," Joyce interrupted. "Buffy is being nice to you isn't she?"

"She'd being an excellent host," William told her. "We've been having a great time. Haven't done too much so far."

"That's nice though. I'm glad you two got to go swimming and everything. Make sure that you know you can use the pool whenever you wish. You don't have to wait on Buffy."

"It's much more fun having some company." And he really did mean it. "But I will remember that; sometimes it's nice to get a nice swim in early in the morning, a few laps at least."

"I didn't know you were a swimmer, William." Joyce was glad that they'd found a nice topic of conversation, one that didn't involve the daughter that she was understanding less and less with each passing day.

"I was on my school's swim team back in what would be high school here. For a bit in university too, but not as seriously; I focused more on my classes then."

"And did you enter into any competitions?" Rupert knew he needed to get in on the conversation, even though he didn't know for sure what to say.

"The school ones. Our school did fairly well for a few years there. Got into the finals or whatever they're called my last two years; was a great way to end things and helped me get into some schools for uni."

"You must have done fairly well then, yourself," Rupert was glad he'd found something.

“Guess so," Spike answered humbly, "Was just something I found fun in. Haven't done too much of it recently."

"Oh. Why is that?" Joyce wondered.

"The usual: met a girl and she didn't think it was cool so I changed to make her happy."

"I'm sorry that happened." Joyce could tell he was saddened by the way the woman had treated him. "I hope you know that you should be able to be whoever you want to be."

She sounded so much like his mother.

"I know she was no good for me. She wanted me to be someone other than who I was. I'll admit I was...pretty out of it, still am, but I met someone not that long ago who gave me a new goal."

"Oh? Would it be intrusive for me to ask about that?" Joyce questioned.

"Not at all: Now my goal is to convince them that they're as good a person as I know they are. They have a pretty horrible view of themselves and I want to change that."

"That's very noble of you, William," Rupert intoned.

"Oh, I don't know about that. Started as a way to get me distracted from myself. Didn't exactly have the noblest of intentions."

"But you've stuck with it, that shows something," he argued.

"I suppose."

The rest of the meal was accompanied by bits of small talk, each of them bringing up little things they'd heard lately or were curious about. It wasn't anything sophisticated, but William was glad for that. He'd gotten awfully close to saying something when he was talking about that 'person' that would have let them know he was talking about Buffy.

But he'd held back. Maybe some day they could know he had been talking about Buffy...some day, but not today.

"This was a great meal, Joyce," Spike said as he finished eating. "Thank you."

"Oh, it was nothing. Just thought it was a nice chance for us all to get together. I'm sorry Buffy wasn't able to stay," she added.

"I'm sure Buffy's okay."


Buffy was not okay.

She and William had had fun last night. Fun. Of the non sexual kind. Well mainly of that kind.

Last night Spike had proved to her that he could spend time with her, enjoy doing things with her, that didn't involve sex. The only 'sex' that had occurred had been asked for by her and done to her....nothing for him.

She'd tried several times too. He didn't want that; he wanted to just....have fun.

That threw her whole view of things off. Spike was supposed to always want sex from her--whenever and wherever she offered it.

Was supposed to, but didn't.

And now she was left worrying about relationships and why she wanted sex more than he did. Maybe he just forgot who--or rather what, she was.

She'd have to remind him.



TBC........Please review...and the new story should be up this week (that not fun out of town thing took longer than it should have or it'd already be up)

IF YOU'RE AT ALL CONFUSED BY THINGS, PLEASE READ THE A/N

Alright..since my author's note, which was supposed to help people understand Buffy a bit more, is just making everyone hate her more..and the reviews are putting me in a bad mood..the author's note is now gone.




Chapter 20

William thought that maybe Buffy was in fact not feeling very well--she stayed in her room for the rest of the day, not even answering beyond an 'I'm fine' when he tried to found out what was going on with her.

So, he decided to just work on some more of his reviews and hope that Buffy wasn't too upset with him. And that, by leaving her alone, he was doing the right thing.

But it was making him nervous. It had been years since he was this unsure of what to do...in terms of a woman, or just in general.

Or at least since he'd admitted to it--subconsciously or otherwise. Dru had done a great job of making him into Spike, giving him the cock-sure swagger he needed to be big and bad. But, like he was trying to show Buffy, he was still William

He hoped he was doing the right thing.



'Good,' Buffy thought, 'I was able to avoid him all day, so no changing my mind just because he looks so nice and...well, innocent.'

Okay, so maybe Spike wasn't innocent looking, but...naive maybe. He didn't seem to see her for what she was; tonight was going to change that, though.

It had taken her a while to get ready--dressed and mentally prepared--but now there wasn't anything that was going to stop her from her 'mission'. Her mission to prove to William what she was and see if he still wanted her afterwards.


It was a good thing--a very good thing--Buffy decided as she settled herself on Spike's bed, that he was a heavy sleeper.

Phone? Check. Pillow? Check. Vibrator? Check. Sexy lingerie? Check. Underwear? No check.

Good, she was ready.

The bed was an exact replica of the one in her room--her parents were uncreative like that--so she'd practiced already and knew exactly how to position herself for this. Placing the pillow that she'd taken from her room behind her, Buffy leaned carefully against the foot board. She made it so that she was in just the right place, somewhere between sitting up and lying down and fluffed her hair around on the pillow; she needed to look good.

Buffy turned the phone on and called up the appropriate number. As the phone started ringing on the other end, Buffy turned on the little vibrator and put it into position.

Ready, set, and....go.



Spike wasn't sure what it was that woke him up; he'd been in the middle of a very nice dream involving him and Buffy, and then he was awake. He just wasn't sure why.

At least not at first he wasn't. When he finally opened his eyes fully and adjusted to the darkness he knew three things: first, that he knew what had woken him up; second, he knew that you definitely could hear in your sleep; and last but definitely not least, he knew he was hard as a rock.

Buffy was positioned at the end of his bed basically fucking herself with the vibrator and she'd put herself in just the right position so that he could see everything that was happening. He could see the thing sliding in and out of her, slick and shiny from her juices. He could see her other hand flicking her nipple through the sexy bit of lace she had on. And he could see the look on her face as well. Her face was flushed, her bottom lip swollen from where she was intermittently biting at it and pulling it into her mouth, and her eyes....God, her eyes. Her eyes were half closed but she was still watching him, intently, completely.

But she was also on the phone. Her finger left her chest and went back to holding the phone that she'd been holding with her shoulder.

"Oh yeah," she moaned. “Please. Fuck me!" And she started moving faster against the...thing.

She was saying something else now, something about whoever was on the other end of that phone line 'feeling so good', making her 'feel so good', but he wasn't listening. Or, he was trying not to.

He needed to--

Oh God, what was she doing?

Spike started to get up, but he wasn't fast enough. While he'd been trying to block everything out Buffy had gotten up and now she was just mere milliseconds away from impaling herself on his cock. Which, despite his mental protestations, was still as hard as coudl be.

Before he had a chance to react or figure out why all of this was happening, Buffy was bouncing up and down, fucking him. And he didn't want it to, but it God did it feel good. No matter the circumstances, this was still Buffy.

He grabbed onto her hips, helping to guide her movements, lifting his own hips to meet hers.

"Do I make you hard?" she was whispering as she leaned down so far that her chest was nearly resting against his. Spike started to answer when he realized she wasn't talking to him. She was talking to whoever the bloody hell was on that fucking phone. "Do I?" she asked again. "Because you make me wet. You get my tight little pussy so wet." She drew out the last word so much that he was all but moaning at the end of it.

"Ohhh!" Buffy moaned, sitting up again and moving even faster, rubbing herself against him each time their pelvises came together. "You make it so...make me feel so damn good!"

Just moments later she was whimpering about how close she was...and Spike couldn't take it anymore. He grabbed tightly onto her hips and flipped them over, thrusting into her quickly and harshly. That seemed to do it for Buffy because just seconds later she was screaming unintelligible words as she climaxed; Spike following shortly thereafter.

Spike went to bury his head in her hair, on her shoulder, when he felt something hard in his way.

The phone.

The bloody fucking phone. How had he managed to forget?

But when he looked into her eyes Spike knew Buffy hadn't forgotten about the phone. This hadn't been about him, not a bit of it. The reality of that slammed into him like...like a bleedin' ton of bricks. He'd just been...convenient.

Spike got up as quickly as he could and stormed into the bathroom—well, the best he could 'storm' anywhere with his semi-hard cock and a naked, panting Buffy on his bed.

For not the first time in his life he wished that he'd worn something to bed. Wished that he'd had some fucking self control. Something...something to resist the girl who was intent on breaking his heart.


That had gone exactly how she'd wanted. So why was she blinking back tears? And why did she feel like a horrible person? Okay, so maybe she knew the answer to the last one: Because she was a horrible person.

Now Spike knew that too.

So she should be happy; she'd finally succeeded in getting Spike to see who she was. There wouldn't be any more delusions there, she decided with a humorless laugh.

It just shouldn't hurt so much.



TBC......please review

The first chapter of my new fic titled (at least for now) Just a Thing will be posted Thursday . Now I'll go back to ducking those pointy things being thrown at me...

Chapter 21

Why did he care?

It was the question Spike had asked himself at least a hundred of times during the night.

He'd thought over and over what had happened--which was easy since it wasn't that much. He'd woken up to Buffy getting herself off with the vibrator and whatever the person on the phone was saying, she'd seen that he was all hard and ready and decided that fucking him would be better than messing with some toy.

So he was back to his question. He knew that last night really had absolutely nothing to do with him--he was just better than a little piece of plastic, not much to brag about there.

But it wasn't like Buffy hadn't given him any indication that that was what she thought. He knew she didn't want him.

So, again, why did he care?

The easy answer was that he hated to fail and he seemed to be failing in his plan of making Buffy see that he did care about her. But that wasn't really it. Really....it was that he'd thought he had been succeeding. They'd had a great time in the pool and Buffy seemed to have gotten the message that he enjoyed doing things with her that didn't involve sex.

Either he hadn't gotten the message across very well or she just didn't like the message.

The more he thought about it, the more it seemed like the second option.

So he cared—he cared because he was falling in love with a girl who was so down on herself that she was determined to break his heart just so he'd agree with her. He didn't think he was strong enough to stick with it...with her.

And really, was he doing more harm than good? He was certainly starting to think so.


Apparently some successes felt even worse than a failure. Or at least that's what Buffy had decided during the last few hours. She'd accomplished everything she wanted--Spike knew she wasn't good enough for him, that she was just good for sex now. But she had been planning on reminding him that that's what he thought.

But he didn't seem to. Huh.

She turned her attention back to the movie she'd been watching and decided she was just reading too much into things. She needed to just leave it alone and be glad things were fixed now.


Okay, this was getting annoying. Spike hadn't said anything since he'd come out of his room nearly an hour ago. Which, okay, normally would have been fine...if he had been someone other than himself. But come on, this was Spike. Spike who didn't know how to shut up.

Something was up.

And she'd had enough of it.

"What are you doing?" she called from her spot on the sofa. But if she was expecting an answer she would have been sorely disappointed; Spike, who had been fixing a bowl of cereal, just held up the bowl and then turned back around and continued with his breakfast.

Okaaaay, so obviously that wasn't going to work. She went back to watching her movie.


He really needed to move out. He couldn't seem to bring himself to talk to Buffy and, well....that was going to be a problem as long as they were living in the same house. Hence the needing to move out.

He didn't even know why he was out of his room. Some sort of masochistic need to see for himself that she wasn't miserable. He knew she wouldn’t be, but for some reason he needed to see it.

Maybe this was he wouldn't be able to stay in the wonderful world of denial for long, if at all.

"Spike? Want to watch the movie?" Buffy interrupted his thoughts not even twenty minutes after she'd asked the first question.

He turned and saw that Buffy was looking at him, so he just shook his head in the negative, still not ready to talk to her yet. And he thought it was going to work, this plan of his.

But Buffy stopped him once again, just before he got to his room.

"Oooh," she mocked, "I'm not going to talk to Buffy because she hurt my...." Buffy stopped, almost not finishing at all until she saw that Spike had already gone into his room and closed the door. "Feelings," she finished quietly. 'Fuck,' she thought, 'he wasn't supposed to get hurt. He's supposed to be mad. Mad, dammit, but not hurt!

It had better be a temporary thing. Because...

'No,' she decided. 'It doesn’t matter if he's mad or hurt or whatever else he fucking feels like feeling. He has no right to make me feel guilty for this! It's his own damn fault for being so stupid...and, and...stubborn and...naive! Yep,' she readily agreed silently with herself. 'Definitely all his fault.'

And, so, with that split second decision, Buffy decided to be mad at Spike rather than worry about how he was feeling. If he wasn't going to talk to her, she wasn't going to talk to him!


"I told you he wouldn't answer me!" Buffy knew she sounded immature but she didn't like her mother not believing her.

"Buffy," her mother explained, treating her very much like a child, "You'll have to excuse me if I don't believe that a 33-year-old grown man would just refuse to answer an invitation to lunch.”

"Well he did."

Joyce didn't dignify that with an answer, just walking over and knocking on William's door. She ignored Buffy's muttered 'told you so' when William didn't answer for longer than was polite.

"William?" she asked, knocking again.

This time he rushed to the door not five seconds later.

He apologized profusely when he realized just who was knocking on the door. "Sorry, Joyce. I wasn't meaning to ignore you."

Buffy knew from his tone that he had meant to ignore her but her mother didn't seem to notice anything wrong with what he said. God, that was just like her! To put all the blame on Buffy. And now Spike was helping her! Stupid Spike! Buffy sat back on the sofa and pouted as her mother and Spike continued their little talk.

"That's alright, I never thought that you were. Buffy just didn't want to get up from her movie, I guess." She looked pointedly at her daughter, who was still pouting and trying her best to ignore them. "I had wanted to ask if you would like to come to lunch with us tomorrow? I know that it must seem like I'm taking up all of your time so if you already have plans I completely understand."

The way she said 'with us' made him think that she meant Buffy was included so he tried to think of a way out of it.

"I actually think I have some sort of conference call at some point during lunch tomorrow. I'd love to commit to lunch but it looks like I'm going to have to stick around here."

"That's fine," Joyce assured him. "Besides, it'll be nice to have some alone time with Rupert--he never does want to go out but he's already agreed to this." Joyce seemed truly happy with this outcome, not noticing the reaction of the other two in the room, well, not at first.

"Don't worry William," she promised, "Buffy will leave you alone to do your work. And Buffy, don't pout so. It really is rather unbecoming...and don't tell me again that William is ignoring you--just get over yourself and ask the question for me."

But this time she didn't miss William's look...of guilt.

She decided not to say anything, instead deciding to talk to her husband when she got back to their house. "I'll see you for our lunch later, Buffy," She said, making it a statement not a question, as she left the pool house.



TBC....Please review......more Just a Thing coming on Thursday

and I don't think my author's note adequately expresses just how very grateful I am for all of you lovely reviews....THANK YOU

Chapter 22

Neither Buffy nor Spike looked at each other as Joyce left, him going back into his room once the door had closed and her turning back to her movie.

And that's how Giles found them two hours later when, after a slightly worrisome and possibly disturbing conversation with his wife, he came to see the two of them.

"Good afternoon Buffy," He greeted pleasantly. "Are you enjoying your movie?"

Buffy had started another movie--thanking her Cinemax channel for a whole other reason now.

"I am, there are some really great ones on today. It's nice to have just a calm, relaxing day every once in a while."

"That's wonderful, dear. Now please do stay here while I speak with William."

Buffy was worried with that last statement. She didn't know why he'd want her to stay there…while he spoke with William.

"Sure," she said, though she knew it wasn't exactly so much of a question as an order.

"William," Rupert wouldn't have knocked if he was sure how exactly William would be...uh, dressed. "I would like to speak with you please."

"Come in," William called and Giles did in fact go into his room, shutting the door behind him, which prevented Buffy from hearing what was said.


"William, I'd like it if you would join me in my study for a drink," Giles said as soon as he'd closed the door behind him.

"Yes, of course." Spike knew something was up based on the look on his brother's face. This wasn't an optional thing, nor was it anything lighthearted. He was more than a little worried.

"Good, good. Would you mind going now?"

Again he knew it wasn't a question, "That's fine."

Spike followed him out of the room, surprised when he stopped to ask Buffy if she would like to join them.

"She's not even legal, Rupes. You can't be offering the girl alcohol," Spike objected before Buffy even had the chance to answer.

"I," Giles explained heatedly, "May offer her whatever I so choose. She is my daughter." And with that Spike knew he was in trouble.

"Of course, I'm sorry. I didn't mean anything by it."

"You better not have. Now, Buffy, would you care to join us?"

For once Buffy was glad to be having lunch with her mother. "I can't, sorry. Mom and I have that lunch," she explained.

"Yes, yes, don't know how I forgot. William, if you'll come with me."

'Good,' Buffy thought as she watched them go. 'William's finally going to get what he deserves.'



"What would you like to drink?"

"Anything is fine," William answered, wanting to keep things as pleasant as possible.

"Anything?" Rupert questioned, "Really? Shouldn't you be a bit more discriminate, William? You must have a preference...or do you just take whatever is offered you and decide later on whether or not you liked it?"

William knew that the question had to do with a lot more than what drink he wanted, but wasn't sure just what exactly that 'more' was. "A bit of soda would be nice," he finally answered.

"Worried about handling your alcohol? Guess it takes a true man to drink this early in the day."

"Um, sure," Spike answered, really not knowing what was going on now.

Giles poured them both drinks—William wasn't sure what it was the older man was having—and they walked over towards the leather chairs in the corner of the room--but neither of them sat down; they just stood against the backs of the chairs.

William sipped his drink and watched his brother as Giles sipped his own drink and stared back at William. After a few very tense moments, the elder of the two brothers broke the silence.

"Is there anything you would like to tell me, William?" he asked sharply in a clipped tone.

"I don't believe so." Spike didn't know what he'd done wrong, but he had obviously done something.

"Did you know that my wife came to speak with me after inviting you to lunch?" Rupert tried a different angle, still beyond angry with his half-brother.

'Okay,' Spike thought, 'So this is supposed to give me some idea what's wrong, but...'

"I wasn't aware of that. I hadn't realized that the lunch was such an important thing--I can try calling in to work--"

"It has nothing to do with the bloody lunch!" Giles interrupted. "It has," he explained, his voice lower now, frighteningly calm in fact, "To do with Buffy."

"With Buffy?" Spike asked nervously.

"Yes, you pillock, with Buffy. What did you do to her?"

"What do you mean?" William asked carefully.

"You know full well what I mean, but for some reason I'll tell you anyway. Joyce came back to tell me that Buffy wouldn't ask you about lunch and that after she knocked on your door she asked you herself--which she just saw as Buffy being obstinate. But she also told me that Buffy said you were ignoring her...Joyce may not believe that," he paused for a minute, sure to look William in the eye, "But I do."

"Oh," William said as realization dawned on him. 'Rupert knows that I was ignoring Buffy....he wasn't supposed to know that.'

"Yes, 'oh'," he mocked him. "Joyce, if she believed Buffy, would just think it was some sort of disagreement and that you'll get over it..." He didn't finish the thought.

"But that's not what you think?" Spike didn't like getting yelled at--or almost yelled at--for something where he wasn't really the one in the wrong, but there wasn't much he could say to defend himself.

"I know there was something more there between Buffy and you. I don't know for sure what it was or what's happened to disrupt things so, but I know it's not good."

"No," William agreed, "But in all fairness, Rupert, you don't know the situation, so..."

"I believe that I know enough. And I want you to know that Buffy really is my daughter. She might not be my blood but I love her as if she were; you may be my blood, but I'm not gong to stand for you hurting her," Giles lectured. "You need to realize that there are feelings here that need to be taken into consideration."

He'd planned on being nice, staying diplomatic and letting Rupert say whatever he wanted to him, William had. But now? He had spent time trying to show Buffy that he wanted her--all of her--only to have her not believe him...Or perhaps believe him all too well. Regardless, she'd truly broken his heart and now here he was....here he was being told to be careful of her heart.

In any other situation he would have laughed at the irony but right now he wasn't at the point where he could.

"I know full well that feelings need to be taken into consideration--" He, for some unknown reason, couldn't bring himself to make them see Buffy badly. "I'm going to be moving out," he decided.

It was the first truly split second decision he'd ever made. He was an incredibly impulsive person sure, but he always thought about things for at least a second or two. But not this; with this it had been the saying it that alerted him to the decision.

"Excuse me?" Giles questioned. This wasn't what he'd been expecting; he'd been in no way prepared for this. Joyce was going to kill him.

"I'm going to be moving out, back to where I was before probably. I'll go pack now and be gone by the end of the day."




TBC.............please review...that and don't hate me ;-)


and I realise MBB says it's not finished and that's because it is going to have an epilogue...it just hasn't been written yet :-)

Chapter 23

Buffy's lunch with her mother was relatively painless; Joyce had accepted her apology for not asking William about lunch--Buffy decided it was easier to apologies even if she had tried than to argue with her mother all during lunch.

But now it was time to go home and Joyce's last words were still echoing in her mind. "Buffy," she'd said, "William isn't your father--or anyone else for that matter," and Buffy knew who it was her mother was implying. "Don't treat him like he was."

Well, it was too late for that, wasn't it?

Or was it really? Was her mother in fact right and she needed to give Spike--no, William—a chance?

Maybe, just maybe she could start--even though it would be hard--by apologizing for what had happened the other night. It would at least be a start. As long as he didn't give her a reason to think that he was like...was like other men in her life, then she could maybe try to patch things up a bit.


Did the world just hate Buffy Summers?

Because she was definitely starting to think so. No sooner had she made her decision to apologize to William did she arrive home to find...this.

"What are you doing?"

Spike looked up when he heard her question, obviously having not noticed her coming into the house. "I'm...." He hadn't prepared for this; didn't know what to say to her.

"I'm going home." Simple and straight to the point--not the nicest way but it was the best he could come up with. Besides, he wasn't sure he wanted to be nice.

"To England?" Buffy was shocked, more shocked than she thought she ever had been; the question was the first thing that came to mind--irrational and irrelevant as it was.

"Not quite that far, just back East--where I was before coming out here," He'd gone back to closing the second suitcase; most of his things still hadn't been moved out to California so there wasn't much to take back with him.

"You can't go," Buffy said after several moments of silence, watching his back as he prepared to leave.

"That so?" he asked, and she couldn't hear any kindness in his tone.

"Yes," she answered cautiously, becoming incredibly unsure when he turned around and glared at her like he couldn't bear to look at her much longer.

"And why is that, luv?" He practically spit out the last word.

Buffy didn't answer for at least a minute, leaving the two of them just staring at each other.

"That's what I thought," Spike laughed wryly.

"Wait! Spike," she tried again when he started to carry his suitcases from the room, "I…" She still couldn't say it for a few more moments and he started to leave again before she finished: "I'm sorry for the other night."

"Sorry?" he asked, not sounding even remotely believing. "Sorry that you treated me like your bloody fuck toy or sorry that I won't be here to get you off anymore?"

Buffy drew back at his cruel words. "That's not what I mean--"

"Oh really? So what exactly was it you were trying to show me the other night?" He gave her a few seconds to answer and when she didn't seem to be saying anything, he continued. "Face it, the only reason you want me here is so that you can give your 'customers' a more, shall we say pleasing performance. I'm just that little bit better than a nice bit of battery operated plastic--that's why you want me here."

"No, it's not," she argued.

"Really? Then what is it?"

"I...you...because," she tried, but he interrupted her.

"You can't do it, can you? You can't tell me I'm wrong and you want to know why? Because I'm not bloody wrong, that's why. Now," he walked around her as he talked, "I'm going to leave and you're going to go back to pretending to be the good little girl those naive parents of yours still think you are."

"You didn't tell them?" she asked, amazed at just that little fact.

"Tell them what?" he asked angrily, hating this whole conversation. "Tell them that their perfect little Buffy is all but whoring herself out night after night for a little extra, completely unneeded spending money? That she'll jump the first warm body that becomes available?" He ignored the look of hurt that came across her face; he was mad at her. "You want me to tell them that?"

"No," she replied shakily, "And that's not..."

"Save it, princess. You're one fucked up bird and I'm not going to let you go round playing your mind games and...you can't go around mess with guys heads and breaking their hearts. It just doesn't work like that."

"I'm not...it's just," she tried to say something, anything to explain herself.

"You know what," Spike said as he reached the main door, "don't even bother. You obviously don't have your shit together--I'm not sticking around to deal with it."

Buffy knew she must seem like a complete idiot, but once again she couldn't come up with anything to say. At least not quickly enough, Spike was out the door and gone before she'd said anything. And what she did made her seem even more pathetic: she sank down to the floor and cried.

It was cliché and girly and...stupid, but she couldn't help it. She had said she was sorry, something she hadn't done in a long, long time. And it hadn't been enough. And what he said....she knew she was fucked up, but hearing someone say it...hearing Spike say it...

So she cried and she cried.


Spike hadn't meant for things to go like that. Actually, he hadn't really expected them to 'go' at all—Buffy was supposed to be gone with her mother until well after he left. True, it was the coward's way out, but he was just so angry with her and he knew that he was going to blow up like that. But he didn't, hadn't, wanted to.

His leaving might upset Buffy a little if she'd just come back to find him gone, but Buffy really did have a talent for denial and he knew she'd find a way to blame it all on him. But now...now she had all of those cruel words rolling around in her head. God, he'd called her a 'whore'--well, almost, but still...

What had he done?

She really would be better off without him around. In his ploy to win her heart and prove that she had his, he'd gone and fucked it all up. He'd hurt the girl.

Yes, she would definitely be better off without him.


TBC.......please review..........and also, please don't hate me...

also, I probably should ask before doing this..but Brat has a new website: http://www.freewebs.com/myheartisyours and so does Facingthesun http://www.freewebs.com/facingthesun that I made for them...see, that's why I should ask....

Chapter 24

Buffy was supposed to be happy. Supposed to be, so why wasn't she? She had her house back to herself and she was back to working regularly after her two week semi-vacation. Everything was back to how it had been before...before Spike had come. So why was it suddenly not quite what she wanted?

Buffy had called her boss shortly after she'd stopped crying and told him that she would be working regularly now and that she hoped the few days she'd taken off wouldn't be a problem. He assured her that it wouldn't be a problem and he was happy to have her back. Apparently people--men specifically--liked Buffy's bit of innocence; the same thing she was trying to hide and, well, get over.

Her house seemed so lonely now; something she hadn't expected to happen. While Spike was there it seemed so crowded and busy, but now that he was gone it seemed so empty. And lonely. Buffy couldn't understand why after months and months of living alone, just a few weeks with Spike left her wanting someone there to live with her.

Not just someone, Buffy corrected herself. She wanted Spike there. She needed to get over that, too. Spike was gone and she needed to accept that and move past it all.

She needed to go back to being the Buffy that she was before she'd even talked to Spike.

Now she just had to figure out how to do that.



The plane ticket had cost him a pretty penny but Spike had managed to get on a flight just hours after he'd told Rupert he was leaving. The four hour flight had given him some time to think, but he wasn't so sure that that was a beneficial thing. The more he thought about it, the more deplorable his words towards Buffy seemed.

To say he had not meant to hurt her would have been a lie; in that moment he wanted her to hurt like hell. Like he did. He was a grown man, hell he was thirty-three, but he still couldn't keep his senses about him when it came to love. He always fell too hard and too fast...and for someone who didn't want him. Some days he wanted to just lock all of them--his exes and whatever the hell Buffy was--in a room together and just...yell at them.

He'd even had a dream of doing it while he was on the plane. What the bleeding hell is wrong with you bloody women? What the hell does it take? Why do you bitches torture me? They had all been there, mocking him. But even with Drusilla and Cecily there, he knew the one he wanted was Buffy.

What was wrong with him? He wanted the girl that had done nothing but bring him pain—well, there had been quite a bit of pleasure in there, but she had done her best to show him that even those times could be looked back on painfully.

He wished that that night had never happened. If they could just get rid of that night...then, even with all the yelling and leaving and hateful words, he could still look back on some events fondly; instead of looking back on them with disdain like he was.

She was a nineteen year old little girl...a girl...but she had all the power over him...him, a grown man...she had all the power, and she knew it.

She knew it and she'd used it to break him down; to break herself down. She had the lowest self esteem of almost anyone he'd ever known but she also had an incredible amount of strength in her.

Strength that she was currently using to make herself miserable.

He could only hope that someday, someone would be strong enough to help her use that strength for something better. It was just a shame he couldn't be there to see the result.


Rupert Giles was beginning to think he'd made a mistake.

A very, very big mistake.

He'd had the conversation with William thinking that he was doing the right thing, but now he was not so sure. William had left, immediately in fact, something that he had not expected in the least bit to happen. Joyce was angry with him about William's leaving and was currently taking it out on both him--for talking to William--and Buffy--for supposedly being the source of the problem. And Buffy...Yes, Buffy, his dear, dear daughter; she was having the worst reaction.

While Joyce was open in her anger and pain over the young man leaving, Buffy was trying to play it all off, to pretend like she didn't care at all. Yet Giles could see that she did. She had already been betrayed by two men in her life once before and she was taking this third occurrence rather unwell.

What surprised him though was that she was not mad at him but at William. And only William.

He had been sure when William stormed out of his study that he was going to have Buffy in there yelling at him in just a matter of minutes, or Joyce. But neither of them had come, not for several hours that is.

Joyce came in to announce dinner and asked him what had happened as Buffy had just informed her that William was gone.

Rupert had carefully explained that he'd talked to William earlier and that he was not exactly sure why the man had left--never once bringing up the possible 'relationship' he believed the two young people to be involved in or what exactly he had said to William.

It was a lie and he knew it, but he thought that it would be for the best. He asked Joyce not to let Buffy know that he had even talked to William and she had readily agreed, both of them agreeing it would be easier that way.

But Buffy hadn't ever come in there to yell at him, hadn't even sent any hateful glares his way during dinner that night. William hadn't told her.

He wasn't sure what that meant but he knew it meant something. But he didn't need to figure it out now; William was gone, Joyce would get over it, and Buffy would be better now. It was all going to be okay.


TBC........Please Review

I know my updates have been pretty off schedule (and you'll get 25 ina few hours to make upfor that), but it's--sadly--not going to get better for at least 3 weeks...we're going to visit family and for various reason, we're driving...so no internet there...I'll update when i can, but if you want to know when I update, I'd suggest joining my mailing list

Okay, now back to packing since I have to leave in the morning...but I'll be back in a bit with 25.......you can read 'Just a Thing' while you're waiting


oops, forgot to say that I've revamped my site: here if you'd like to check that out...

and thanks to Buffypurple12 for adding me to her fav author list.....(btw, I'll probably repeat this whole thing next chapter, sorry)

Ever since you've been gone
The lights go out the same
The only difference is
You call another name
To your love
To your lover now
To your love
The lover after me

And time goes by so slowly
The nights are cold and lonely
I shouldn't be holding on
But I'm still holding on for you

PART II: AFFIRMATION


Chapter 25

Two Weeks After Spike Left

She had to stop moping over Spike—that's what Buffy had finally admitted to herself. So that was why she was going to the Bronze tonight. She hadn't been there in months and months, but thought that it would be a good way to...well, to get back out into the world.

Or to at least find a guy to keep her busy.

She found the clothes that she had ordered back when she started this new life of hers: the leather and satin pieces. She finally settled on a pair of red leather pants and a tight, black, backless satin top. It wasn't the best she could have looked but she thought for someone who hadn't been out in a long, long time that she looked pretty damn hot; her hair was falling down her back in light waves and her only make-up was smoky eye shadow and liner and deep, dark red lipstick.

Now to find out if anyone agreed with her.


The Bronze wasn't far away--not when you had a car, that is. And since this time Buffy didn't have any friends to drive her, she walked the almost mile to the club, glad she'd chosen her boots as they were more comfortable than heels.

She got there just a little after eight, early for sure but she wanted to have time to pick just who it was she wanted. It was mostly high school kids there at that time of the night, having their fun before their early curfews. Buffy hadn't remembered there being this many pretty people in her high school though.

Buffy ordered a drink--just a coke--and sat down at one of the tables overlooking the dance floor.

She wasn't halfway through her drink before some young guy walked towards her. He wasn't one of the best looking boys in the building but as a first dance he'd definitely do: cute brown eyes, fluffy brown hair, and some cute preppy clothes. He was adorable, Buffy decided--but not someone she was attracted to, sadly.

"I," he started as he finally stopped in front of her, "think that you look very beautiful tonight." He was blushing as he continued, "and I was wondering if you'd like to dance?"

Buffy normally would have turned him down but not tonight; tonight she was looking to just have some fun...that and she felt bad for him. Taking pity on the poor boy, Buffy asked, "How old are you?"

"Sixteen," he mumbled.

"Well Mr. Sixteen Year Old, if you can tell me your name then I think I can dance with you."

"It's Chris," he told her, a huge grin spreading across his face.

"Come on, Chris. Let's go dance."

Buffy danced with him for one song and decided to stay with him for the second song when he explained to her that he was there with his friends and, after his girlfriend had broken up with him the week before, they were all teasing him that he'd never be able to get a girl. Buffy explained to him that she couldn't date him, could only offer a few dances...he was perfectly happy with that. Buffy was happy to, for once, be making someone else feel better about themselves--and with something as simple as a dance.


Buffy danced the rest of the night, no one ever quite catching her interest; she was still hung up on William whether or not she was going to admit it to herself or anyone else. At around eleven o'clock when she was really starting to think that all of the so called 'pretty people' had stayed home for the night, someone new came over and began to dance with her.

Didn't ask to dance with her, just started dancing with her.

Buffy liked that.

And surprisingly, she was completely okay with the fact that that someone was a girl.

After all, tonight was her night for fun, to fully pretend that Spike was one hundred percent gone from her mind.

"Going to tell me your name?" Buffy asked the girl halfway through the song.

"Depends," she returned, "on if you're going to let me do this."

Buffy was nervous for a second while she waited to find out what exactly the 'this' was, but relaxed as the girl only moved closer to her, dancing with her more provocatively. The feeling of dancing with a woman was new to Buffy but not entirely unpleasant, she decided.

"Guess you are, then." The other girl answered her own question. "Name's Faith," she whispered when she got close to Buffy's ear.

"Buffy," Buffy said in kind.

"Interesting name you've got there, B."

"I'm an interesting girl," Buffy joked.

"I can see that," Faith said as she danced even closer to Buffy, her body sliding up and down against the younger girl's.

Buffy and Faith danced through two more songs, Buffy not noticing the attention they were garnering but Faith reveling in it. After the final song, Faith asked Buffy if she would like a drink.

"Surprise me," Buffy said, surprising herself--she didn't drink, but was more than likely about to given that Faith was well over twenty one and would probably get her something alcoholic. Oh well, alcohol was supposed to make you forget things right? Maybe it was what she needed.

Buffy found a new table--her old one being occupied--to sit at and waited while Faith got the drinks.

"Here you go, B," Faith arrived back relatively quickly with their drinks. "Got you a....well, a surprise," she smirked.

Buffy looked at the drink questioningly; it was dark enough in the club that she couldn’t tell exactly what color it was, so she had no hint there as to what it was.

"Drink up," Faith ordered as she swallowed down all of her drink in one quick gulp.

Looking anxiously at her drink once more, Buffy took one last deep breath before bringing the glass to her lips. 'I can do this,' she thought and drank the liquid down.

Buffy couldn't help but screw up her face in disgust at the taste of the drink. She glared at Faith when the woman laughed at her. "What was that?" Buffy asked.

"A surprise," was all Faith said. "So, B, want to tell me why you're here?"

"Are you trying out some new pick up lines or something?" Buffy asked.

"Nope. Just can tell everything's not five by five...so why?"

"Five by five?"

"You know. So, what is it?"

"Nothing," Buffy insisted vehemently. "Everything's fine."

"Yeah, sure," Faith laughed. "Tell me a new one, will ya? Come on, I'll get you another drink." Faith went back to the bar.

"No more surprises!" Buffy called after her.


TBC...........Please review

(same as 24's a/n, bu oh well)

I know my updates have been pretty off schedule, but it's--sadly--not going to get better for at least 3 weeks...we're going to visit family and for various reason, we're driving...so no internet there...I'll update when i can, but if you want to know when I update, I'd suggest joining my mailing list

Okay, now back to packing since I have to leave in the morning...but I'll be back in a bit with 25.......you can read 'Just a Thing' while you're waiting


oops, forgot to say that I've revamped my site: here if you'd like to check that out...

and thanks to Buffypurple12 for adding me to her fav author list.....(btw, I'll probably repeat this whole thing next chapter, sorry)

Chapter 26


Buffy and Faith had several more drinks and several more dances, Buffy ending up fairly drunk at the end of the night. She still wouldn't tell Faith what was bothering her, but she was having a good time. It was right what they said about alcohol making you forget, apparently.

"One more dance," Buffy begged, pulling Faith to the dance floor.

"Nu-uh, blondie. It’s about closing time and I'm driving you home," Faith tried to pull Buffy out the back door.

"But I don’t want to go yet," Buffy pouted, falling back against a wall. Faith, who was balancing herself by pulling Buffy, was put off balance by Buffy falling and in turn fell against her. "See, you don't either," Buffy said when she felt Faith fall onto her.

"No no no," Faith protested, but Buffy had her arms firmly locked around Faith's waist by that point.

"Please?" Buffy said leaning up to kiss Faith.

But Faith stopped her, turning her own head to the side and pulling back as far as she could from Buffy. "Come on B. You're drunk and I'm taking you home so you can get to sleep."

"Does no one want me?" Buffy hadn't listened to a word Faith had just said.

"Ahh," Faith muttered, pulling Buffy back to her and hugging her tightly, "So now we see what's the problem. It's not that I don't want you, honey. We've had fun tonight, but that's what it was: fun. I don't know who else made you think they didn't want you, but I'm sure they were just using that as an excuse. You're a great girl, Buffy. And trust me if you were into girls I'd be all for it.

As it is, let me drive you home and we can be friends okay? I have the feeling you could use someone to talk to every once in a while."

"No," Buffy said, "I appreciate it, but I think I need to just get my shit figured out."

"You sure?"

"Yeah," Buffy said sadly, "But thanks for helping me have a fun night."

"Trust me, it was my pleasure. Now, I know you're thinking more clearly now, but I'm still driving you home. I'm sure you can get your car somehow tomorrow."

"I didn't drive here," Buffy told her as she remembered that fact herself. "I walked."

"Well that just makes it easier, I guess; I'm still driving you home though. If only to keep my mind at rest."

"Thanks Faith," Buffy said sincerely, letting Faith lead her out the back door.



He wasn't someone she was particularly attracted to, but three years ago he definitely would have been her type. And since that was what had gotten her into all of this, Buffy figured that maybe she should get back to some old habits and see what that did to things.

Tall, well built, with broad shoulders and light brown hair, he looked much more like Angel than anyone else she'd given a second glance in years. But maybe that was actually what she needed.

"Riley?" Buffy asked, coming to his table for the first time--he was always the one to come to her.

"Buffy?" He looked at her anxiously; he'd been working up the nerve to go ask her to dance. He danced with her several days a week but he was still nervous every time he had to go up to her and talk to her.

"Would you like to come sit with me maybe?" She knew it was maybe stupid considering he was with his friends, and he didn't even really know her, and why would he want to sit with her? But she thought she'd give it a try anyway. It was time.

"Guys," he looked at his three companions, "I'll see you back at the house."

Buffy grinned, pleased that she hadn't been turned down again, but her grin faded slightly as Riley possessively slung his arm around her shoulders and seemed slightly...satisfied when his friends called after them, teasingly. But she felt better once they sat down and started talking. Riley was a sweet guy--nice, simple, and sweet.

"So, Riley," Buffy said when they were seated. "We haven't had a chance to talk much before. I thought it would be good to talk a bit before we dance again or anything."

"That would be nice, Buffy," he said sincerely. "Is there anything you want to know specifically, or....?"

"Well I can't think of anything in particular right now so why don't you start," Buffy didn't want things to be awkward so she decided to let him start and then she'd follow his lead.

"Well," he began before smiling sheepishly, "How about: How old are you? Are you from Sunnydale? Are you in school? What are you studying if you are? What's your favorite color?" he asked the last one very quietly.

Buffy laughed in response, but stopped when she saw his blushing and knew he was serious. "Sorry," she apologized, "I just wasn't expecting that many questions I guess. Let's see if I can answer them all. I'm nineteen, I am from Sunnydale, I'm not in school and my favorite color is purple probably. Sorry if that didn't tell you very much, I guess I'm just not that interesting."

"I'm sure you're very interesting," he told her. "Maybe I just didn't ask the right questions."

"Maybe not. Why don't you answer the same questions though and I'll try to think of some new ones, too."

"I'm twenty two--twenty three next month, I'm from Iowa, came here for school. I'm going to UC Sunnydale right now and I'm graduating this year actually. I'm majoring in business administration and what was that last one? Oh, yes, my favorite color is blue."

"Iowa? Really? Which part in particular?"

"Fostoria," He told her. "It's this tiny little town--just over two hundred people--in north west Iowa, almost at the Northern border."

"Wow," Buffy was stunned, "That's tiny! How were there even people in your school? I mean, with 200 people..."

"It was a kindergarten through high school school. But, yeah, it was small. It's nice though; you get to know literally everyone in the town--it's kind of like having one huge family."

"That would be nice sometimes. Are you planning on going back after graduation?"

"I'm not so sure yet. I mean, if I stay there everything is going to be the same you know? Like it'll all be so predictable...But then I think that that might be nice, so I'm really not very sure."

"Well, you have some time to figure it out. And even if you don't go back right after graduation you can always go back later, right?"

"Right. Would you like a drink, Buffy?"

"Just a coke, thanks," she answered, deciding to stay away from alcohol for the night.

"I'll be right back then," Riley made his way through the crowd to the bar. There was quite a crowd at the bar and the bartender was stealthily taking the girls' orders first, so Buffy had a while to wait for Riley to come back with drinks.

This was nice. No expectations, no worrying about how he was going to treat her because of her job--he didn't know her job so therefore he couldn't judge her on it. This was a clean, fresh start.

Exactly what she needed.



TBC.........pretty please review so I know if you're still with me? and I posted a chapter of Just a Thing as well

Chapter 27

Five Weeks Later

Spike was home.

Except that it didn’t feel so much like home anymore. He missed having Buffy around. Stupid, yeah--especially with all she'd put him through--but it was true.

Everything seemed so lonely and quiet now. It was like he'd had a few weeks of having a family, of being a part of a family again, and now he was back to being alone. And that was how he was going to stay--at least for a while. He hadn't told any of them where he was going--not Rupert, not Joyce, and certainly not Buffy. Joyce had his cell phone number but that was the only means any of them had of contacting him.

He'd decided that a clean break would be better than a drawn out, painful separation.

And boy was he glad that he'd chosen the 'better' option; he'd hate to see what he'd feel like if he'd done differently.

He was glad that he was so close to the City as it gave him something to do--distractions, really--during the day. So far he'd been to ten museums and four art galleries. And he had spent days and days at the local library reading books other than the ones he had to review, something he had not done in months.

And he'd gotten a second job as well. He was working four days a week at a used book store. It was just a few hours a day really, not so much that it would disrupt his book reviewing. But it was nice. It kept him busy.

And lately, busy was his favorite thing to be.

"William? Could you please help these young ladies?" It was Anya, the young owner of the book shop.

Spike looked over to find two young women who looked incredibly bored but who seemed to brighten as he turned to look at them.

"How can I help you beautiful ladies?" Spike figured that going on a few dates wouldn't be so bad, and he couldn't go on those dates if he didn't flirt a little.

The taller of the two, a beautiful brunette, spoke up first, "Her," she pointed to the blond, "Boyfriend wants some book...some old one or something and someone at Borders told us to come here." Spike held back a smile at how blatantly she batted her lashes at him, deciding that maybe this dating thing wouldn't be so hard. She seemed like a nice enough bird...

"Well I'm sure Miss," he waited appropriately for her answer.

"Chase. Miss Cordelia Chase," she provided.

"Well, Miss Chase," he started again, "You ladies can call me Spike...and I'm sure that I can help you out."

"So you can you like tell us where the book is or not?" Harmony interrupted, confused by the angry look Cordy shot her way.

"Chill, Harm," Cordy started. "I'm sure he's going to help us. Just be a little more patient."

"I want to get the book for Mark, okay?" she asked again.

"Well, let's let Spike show us where it is then." Cordy was trying to continue talking with him as long as possible.

"I'd be happy to," he told them. "Just let me know what the title is."

"It's this like, it's some sort of military thing...about like the world war or something," Harmony answered.

"Do you know which World War?" Spike tried to clarify and Cordelia tried to side with him, rolling her eyes at Harmony's stupidity--though, to be honest, she didn't know herself.

"Like the second one I think....it's by some guy with a weird name...like, uh...oh, it's Rupert something," she finally remembered.

Not only did that actually let Spike know what book she was talking about, it gave him an unwelcome reminder of Buffy. He decided that he was definitely going to try to get Cordelia Chase's phone number before she left the shop.

Or actually, he suddenly changed his mind, maybe he could get Harmony's number. Yeah, sure, she was the most annoying chit he'd met in a long time, but....she looked kind of like Buffy.

He hadn't noticed it at first but just a second ago when she'd actually smiled, not that ditzy one, but a real one--happy that she'd remembered something--he'd seen it.

Cordelia was flirting her ass off but he had changed his goal, now, he was going to get Harmony to go out with him.

"This sure is an attentive girlfriend thing for you to be doing," Spike looked at Harmony and smiled after catching her eye, nearly overjoyed when she blushed under his attention. “This Mark must really love you."

He didn't expect to see her look so disappointed all of a sudden. "He doesn't!" she whined, throwing herself unexpectedly into Spike's arms. "That's why I was going to get him a present, to show him I can be a good girlfriend! I'm going to be old soon," She pouted, sniffling against his shirt, "And I need a boyfriend!"

"Then I don't think you should be buying him any presents...not if he's not appreciating you," Spike soothed, rubbing her back lightly.

"But then I won't have a boyfriend," she pointed out.

"I'd be willing to take you to dinner," Spike offered, amazed at how easy this was becoming.

"Really?" she asked tearfully as she pulled back and looked up at him.

"Of course, anyone would be happy to have a girl like you," he lied, hoping he'd be able to put up with her.

"Oooh!" Cordelia whined. "You...I'm leaving."

"Why?" Harmony asked and Spike saw just how clueless she truly could be.

"Oh, never mind." Cordy was becoming exasperated with her friend. "I'll see you later; I'm sure Spike'll give you a ride home."

"Really?" Harmony asked him, acting as if he'd been the one to offer.

"Uh, yeah, sure. I get off work in about twenty minutes, why don't you go find some book to buy so my boss doesn't kill me for losing a sale and then I'll take you home."

"Okay!" Harmony smiled and Spike felt ever so slightly bad for what he was doing--breaking the poor girl and her boyfriend up just so he could hang around someone who reminded him of Buffy.

Cordelia left during their last exchange and Spike wondered if he was choosing the wrong girl to ask out, but decided that he was willing just this once to sacrifice personality for looks.

He was going to date a complete dolt. And just because she would remind him enough of Buffy to make him pretend that he hadn't really left her.

TBC........please, please, please review......new chapter day after tomorrow hopefully

Chapter 28

Harmony was driving Spike insane with her inane chatter. The woman never knew when to shut up. She was twenty nine years old but Spike could have sworn she was in high school with the way she acted; so caught up in gossip and the drama of who said what to who. He knew he was being a complete chauvinist, dating Harmony for looking like Buffy and for being good for the occasional snog--but he didn't much care at the moment.

"Spikey! Aren't you listening to me?" Harmony's voice broke into his thoughts.

"Of course I am, pet," He assured her. "Just, uh, got distracted by your beauty," he lied. "What was it you were saying?"

"Ahh," Harmony cooed, "Aren't you just like the sweetest boyfriend ever! Come here." In direct contradiction to her words though, she walked across the living room to sit on Spike's lap. "I just love my Blondie Bear so much!"

Spike really wished she wouldn't say stuff like that. This was just supposed to be something fun--or if not fun then at least superficial. But Harmony apparently didn't see it that way.

"Spikey?" Harmony whispered to him, her fingers playing along his chest.

"Yeah, Harm?" he asked, raising his eyebrows in question.

"Has it been a while yet?"

Spike froze and tried to think of how he could buy himself some time. "A while for what, pet?" he asked even though he knew exactly what she was talking about.

"For, you know," she kept up he motion along his chest, leaning in to try to kiss him, "What we talked about like last week."

Think Harmony would believe him if he claimed he'd developed amnesia in the last two minutes? Nah, even she wasn't that stupid. At least, probably. But that meant that Spike had to make a decision.

He and Harmony had been dating very regularly--at least once a week for the last two months. So this was to be expected.

Sex.

If they'd been anyone else it would have already happened, but they weren't. They were them. And there was Buffy...Buffy, Buffy, bloody fucking Buffy. Why was she always fucking with his life? Ever since he'd first talked to her she'd turned his world upside down. God, he was even dating a woman just because they looked slightly similar, but also not having sex with that woman because he thought it would be betraying Buffy.

It was that last thought--that he'd be betraying Buffy--that made his decision for him. What would he be betraying? Buffy didn't want him, she'd made that perfectly clear. Harmony, on the other hand, was making it perfectly clear that she did want him.

So what was the problem?

'Yeah, Spike,' he asked himself silently, 'What's the problem?'

The problem was that he still wanted Buffy. But that didn't seem to matter too much anymore...if it ever had. He could want Buffy as much as he wanted for as long as he wanted and it wasn't going to change anything. Buffy didn't want him and she wasn't even in his life now.

He needed to move on.

And moving on included having sex with his girlfriend. It had been more than three months since he'd left California, for God's sake; it was more than time.

"How about we do it now?" Spike asked her. "Is now good for you?"

"Oooh," Harmony squealed, attacking him with kisses. "That's like so perfect!"

"C'mere then, pet," Spike growled as he flipped Harmony under him on the sofa and kissed her.


"Oh, Spikey," Harmony murmured when they were settled on the sofa, "That was like so perfect. I love you!"

Doing what he always did when she said something similar to that, he kissed her, hoping it would distract her.

It didn't.

"Why don't you love me?" she asked sadly but also with more than a hint of curiosity.

He didn't think that the truth would go over so well: 'Because I'm still in love with Buffy and I only seem to be capable of loving one woman at a time.' So, again, he lied.

"I'm just wary of saying anything like that...after my last girlfriend." Well, it wasn't really a complete lie.

"Aww, I'm sorry she was such a bitch."

"Don't call her that!" Spike hissed. "You don't get to talk about her like that."

"But you just did?" Harmony was confused--not exactly a rare occurrence.

"I didn't call her that—because she's not. Now just drop it, will you? I'm sure there's better things we can do than talk about my ex's. Don't you think so, sweetbreads?"



Spike hadn't had sex with Harmony more than twice that afternoon, but Harmony also didn't leave until after nine o'clock that night. It had been...fun. He wanted there to be some other word to describe it, wanted to say it was loving or amazing or emotional or something other than fun. Spike wasn't someone who traditionally slept with women he didn't love, but well...like he'd said (to himself), he loved Buffy.

He loved Buffy and he didn't see that going away anytime soon; Lord knows it should have already after the way she'd treated him. But the fact was, he still loved her and thought he might for the rest of his life. And that meant that he wasn't going to be able to love anyone else.

Maybe it made him strange but when he committed his heart to one woman, that was it. It got him hurt a lot, had him close to believing that love, mutual, requited love, didn't really exist. But it was what he did.

So yeah, he was having sex with Harmony, was probably going to regularly now given that she was his girlfriend, but he didn't see himself ever loving her. Some day he was going to have to tell that to Harmony. She might be an idiot, absolutely clueless about most of the world around her, but she didn't deserve to be kept in the dark like that. Not forever at least.

Maybe he could figure out a way, given time, to at least pretend. Even if it made him an ass. He didn't want to be alone for the rest of his life and that was what was going to happen unless he could either truly get over Buffy or learn to lie and tell another woman that he loved her.

Maybe he needed to get into therapy or something, because he was going to have a very depressing life if he always only loved Buffy and always saw other women as less than her—even in something as purely physically as sex.

Mostly, he decided, he just needed to stop thinking about Buffy. So what if Buffy was more beautiful than any other woman he'd ever seen? So what if she got to him more than anyone? Hell, so what if he had better sex with her than he had with anyone else—and it had nothing to do with her job?

None of those things mattered when you looked at the simple fact that Buffy didn't want him and that his being around only hurt her.

For the good of both of them he was going to have to put her out of his mind and pretend like he'd forgotten all about her.


TBC...........please review?


*ducks the pointy things that are quite possibly being thrown at her head* I know, I know..Harmony and Riley, I'm a very, very bad writer--but it's important to the plot and I don't like them anymore than you do....but they have to be around---at least for a little while.

I also posted a drabble collection here this week...so if you want ;) to read that...and it should open in a new windwo so hey, you can open it and review this...cool, huh?

and Just a Thing will be updated day after tomorrow (Thursday)

Chapter 29

Riley wasn't exactly the most fun person a girl could date—hell, he wasn’t even on the top 100 list—but he was nice. And safe. Which was what Buffy wanted. He was also enough like Angel that by being with Riley she could sort of pretend that she was with Angel again and right all the things she saw as wrongs.

She was being much more attentive than she ever had been with Angel and was trying to be a better girlfriend for Riley. They'd only been dating for two months though so she wasn't one hundred percent sure how able she would be to keep up this 'good girlfriend' act.

She was doing what he wanted to do every night, going where he wanted to go, eating where and what he wanted to eat--basically being completely submissive. And whether she'd acknowledge it or not, it was wearing on her.

"Riley?" Buffy asked while they were walking from her house to his car for their date.

"Yes, honey?"

She hated the way he called her 'honey' but never said anything about it. "I was wondering if maybe we could go to the Bronze after dinner tonight? We haven't been there in quite a while."

"Oh," Riley said, sounding disappointed, "I had been hoping we could come back here after dinner."

"Maybe we could do both," Buffy suggested, still not used to having him come back to the house with her--they weren't having sex but it was still something to get used to.

"That would be nice," Riley conceded. "We'll go to the Bronze for a bit and then come back here."

"Thank you," Buffy said sweetly, and held on tighter to his arm.


Riley's sensible blue Mazda got them to the restaurant in just a few minutes. Riley had wanted to take one of 'her' cars (which were really Giles') because they were 'cooler', but she still wasn't going to let him. Buffy wanted Riley to date her because he liked her, not because of anything to do with her step-father's money. She wanted things to be as normal as possible.

Riley didn't open the door for her--either the car door or the restaurant door--but then, Buffy hadn't expected him to.

"Reservation for two," Riley told the hostess, "under Finn, Riley Finn." Buffy wanted to tell him that he wasn't James Bond, but she held back.

"Of course. Right this way, sir." Buffy was ignored by the young woman as the couple was led to their table. She wondered if Riley even noticed. Spike would notice, she started to think, stopping herself before she could go any farther. Thoughts like that wouldn't do her any good.

"She was nice," Riley commented when they were sitting down and he'd finished his little chit chat with the woman.

"Yeah," Buffy muttered, "Sure."

"What, I'm supposed to be okay with the fact that you danced with other guys at the Bronze, but I can't talk to other women?"

"It was dancing, Riley. And like you said: danced. That was before we were dating. And you can talk to whoever you want but don't expect me to agree that some woman who was openly flirting with you and ignoring me, is nice." Apparently she was done with the 'submissive girlfriend' act.

"Gee, Buffy, what's got you so touchy tonight? Is it...you know?"

"No Riley, I don't have my period." He was so annoying some days. "Can we just have a nice dinner and then go to the Bronze?" she nearly pleaded.

"And then your place," Riley pointed out.

"Yeah, then my place."


"Do you really want to go to the Bronze?" Riley asked when Buffy was finishing up her chocolate cake dessert.

"Do you really want to go to my house?" Buffy countered, savoring the last bite of her cake.

"Fine," Riley snapped, "but can we go already?"

"Once I finish my coffee," Buffy said.

"You take forever to eat," Riley grumbled, then apologized when he caught what he'd said. "Sorry. I guess I'm the touchy one tonight."

And here she was thinking that Riley was never going notice she was angry with him. "Well we have the bill all paid, so why don't you figure out the tip while I finish up?"

"You can finish your coffee and I'll finish paying," Riley said, pretending as if he'd never heard her suggestion.

"Sounds good," Buffy said neutrally, wanting to just finish the night nicely.



"So, B, you wanna dance?" Buffy turned around in surprise when she heard the question. She and Riley had been at the Bronze for about half of an hour already and she was about ready to kill Riley, so the question from Faith was a welcome reprieve.

"I'll be back after this song, Riley," Buffy told her boyfriend. "Or maybe after a few songs."

"Buffy I thought we had agreed you weren't going to be dancing with other people anymore."

"A: You agreed and B: This is Faith."

"Gee, thanks Blondie," Faith joked.

"You know what I mean," Buffy said anyway, not saying anything else to Riley before walking to the dance floor with Faith.

*******

"Think we're getting your boy over there pretty worked up," Faith whispered as she leaned closer to Buffy. They'd danced for almost three full songs now and were having a great time.

"Not so sure about that," Buffy said as she finally got a good luck at Riley. "He looks a bit more angry than jealous if you ask me."

"Who said that wasn't what I meant?" Faith asked with a smile. "Looks like Army Boy over there really doesn't like you dancing with anyone else. You know, most guys would either be getting turned on...or be trying to join us. Or both."

"Riley's not...Riley's a little odd like that," Buffy explained.

"He the one you were so hung up on?"

"No," Buffy said sadly, again harboring unwelcome thoughts of Spike and how different he and Riley were.

"Good. I knew you had more sense than that. Don't do too much with this one, yeah? Think you need to find someone more...worth it."

"What? Is it your personal goal to save me now?" Buffy asked incredulously.

"Nope, just think you need someone reminding you of some things; not sure you have anyone else to do that."

"Yeah, not anymore I don't."

"Then just at least think about it, okay?"

"Okay," Buffy said as the song finished and Faith changed partners, leaving her to make her way back to her stupid boyfriend.


"What were you doing, Buffy?" Riley asked when she made it back to the small table.

"Dancing with a friend," she said calmly.

"Most girls don't dance with their friends like that."

"Well I do," Buffy explained carefully. "Now do you want to go or not?" she asked, ending the line of conversation.

"Yes, please," Riley said, suddenly very nice and aiming to please.


Forty minutes later found them sat on Buffy's sofa--well less sitting, more lying if you wanted to get all technical about it. Riley had nixed her idea of watching a movie in favor of getting straight to the making out--without even the pretense of watching a movie first. Normally this would have been enjoyable for Buffy--okay, maybe she wouldn't always go as far as 'enjoyable' but it was at least fun. Usually.

For the last ten minutes Riley had been trying to snake his hand down her pants. And for the last ten minutes, she'd been stopping him.

Nearly fed up with the fact that he wasn't getting the message, Buffy took both of his hands and tried holding them. But Riley's hands were much bigger than hers and he easily pulled out of her grasp, obviously not liking that idea.

It was when his fingers fumbled with the button on her pants less than a minute later when Buffy finally lost it.

"Are you dumber than a fucking turkey?" Buffy yelled as she shoved Riley off of her, smoothing down her clothes as she got up to stand next to the sofa. Riley, off balanced by her shove fell to the floor.

"What are you doing?" he asked, looking up at her from where he was sitting on the floor. "And what are you talking about? Why a turkey?"

"Turkeys drown if they look up when it's raining," she explained distractedly before focusing on the topic at hand. "And what am I doing? How about what were you doing?" When he just looked at her blankly she decided a bit of elaboration was needed. "What's with the Mr. Grabby Hands act?"

"Mr. Grabby--What the fuck, Buffy? We've been going out for two months and you get mad at me for trying to get in your pants?" He asked it like it was the most absurd notion in the world.

"Um, yeah," she said. "Unless I tell you you can, then hands off mister."

"Unless you tell me to?" he scoffed. "Please, Buffy. A girl like you does not 'tell' a guy when they can undo her pants. It's sort of a given."

Buffy opened her mouth, ready to dish out some clever retort when she fully realized what he'd said. She didn't know what to say.

"Oh come on," he continued. "I've seen the way you dance with guys--and God, Buffy, girls--at the Bronze. I've looked in your damn closet, at those damn clothes you try to hide from your parents--all the leather; the tight shirts; everything low cut. Please, Buffy, don't try to act like your anything other than a slut."

She really didn't know what to say now, but she could feel the rage boiling just below the surface.

"I've seen whores more prudish than you, sweetheart."

"Ooh!" she seethed, trying to block that word out of her consciousness, "get the fucking hell out of my house and stay the hell away from me!"

"Come on Buffy, don't act like that." Riley tried coaxing her into calming down.

"Riley Finn, get the fuck out of my house," she said again, even more forcefully this time.

When he realized that she meant it and that she wasn't going to change her mind, Riley collected his jacket off the chair next to the sofa and headed for the door. "Good luck trying to pretend you're something other than you are," he told her as he left, not even closing the door behind him.

This time though, after having a man walk out on her after insulting her so rudely, Buffy didn't cry. This time it didn't hurt because, this time, she knew she was the one that was right. Last time maybe she hadn't been--at least not completely--but this time she was. And so instead of being hurt, or sad, or upset, or anything on that realm of emotions, she was just plain pissed.

"That bastard," she hissed as she walked over and slammed the door. "Acting all 'ooh, watch me make a grand exit’, after he's such an unbelievable asshole! Just because I wouldn't have sex with him."

But that wasn't right either, she realized with a start. She couldn't be a whore if she didn't have sex. No, she told herself, it was just Riley. She'd go out tomorrow...or soon, and...and she'd show herself that that was still what she was.

Apparently Buffy wasn't quite ready to let go of that label just yet.





TBC.........please review?

and I told you Riley wasn't sticking around for long, didnt I? ;)

Chapter 30

As Buffy was falling asleep she thought, clearly, for the first time, that maybe she hadn't really done anything wrong with Spike. Maybe he was just taking it all wrong because it wasn't exactly what he wanted it to be.

Maybe she was just letting his overreaction get to her too much. Yeah, that was a definite possibility, she decided before deciding she'd think about it more in the morning. She was too tired right now to do too much more thinking.

*******

Buffy could hear what sounded like panting...and was that moaning? She was pretty sure it was, but...

Wary of just what she would find, Buffy opened her eyes. And promptly decided she should have done so much sooner.

Spike was sitting on the end of her bed; and he was completely nude. Even better was what he was doing. One hand was pumping up and down his rapidly hardening cock as he leaned back against the footboard of the bed, His tongue was peeking out from between his lips as he stroked himself. And she could see the beads of sweat beginning to form on his brow and just that tiny bit of moisture reminded her of other...moist things.

Buffy followed his hand as it ran up and down his cock, spreading the liquid that had leaked out of the tip as he moved his hand up and down....up and...down....up....down....and as she watched his hand, watched it so carefully as it moved, almost harshly but still with the finesse she'd come to associate with this man, she wondered just what his other hand was doing. She'd missed noticing it before and was curious now.

But when she did see where his other hand--or actually what it was doing, she wished, hopelessly, that she hadn't been so curious. Curiosity really did seem to kill that cat....or kitten in this case.

When she found him holding the cordless phone to his ear, she knew he was....that he was working. That all those moans and gasps and muttered words of pleasure that she hadn't noticed up 'til now weren't meant for her.

They were meant for whomever was on the other end of that phone line. For whoever was paying him. Whoever he was, at least temporarily working for.

Not for her.

Never for her. Not really.

That knowledge cut her deeper than she cared to admit. She wasn't supposed to feel this way for someone....for someone who...who was almost a whore--well at least in the technical 'I have sex for money' sense of the word.

Wasn't supposed to, but she did.

But then, before she had a chance to ask him to leave...or to just ask him what he was doing....what he was thinking; before she had a chance to do any of that, he was moving over her. The phone was still held tightly to his right ear, but now he was leaning over her, his left arm and right elbow supporting his weight.

And before she knew what was happening of had time to process just how...he was inside of her.

He was moving in and out, fast and hard, and it felt so damn good that for several minutes she didn't notice anything else. Couldn't notice anything else; nothing but the feel of him--long and hard--sliding in and out of her.

But eventually not even her denial prone mind could block everything else out and sound returned.

"You make me so hard," He gasped, "Do you know that? Make me so bloody hard, you do....Just you, luv. Only you." Buffy smiled at his words, closing her eyes as the feelings because just too much.

"And you're so tight...and wet, kitten," He whispered, the low, grumbly tone affecting her almost as much as the words themselves did.

Buffy knew how she must look right now, bucking under him as her thrust into her over and over again, her eyes shut tightly as she moaned and gasped, but she didn't care. She didn't care about anything other than how Spike was making her feel. And how she was making him feel.

It was divine.

Before she knew it she was thrusting her hips up against his wildly as she felt her orgasm approaching. "Please, Spike," She begged, her voice low.

"Like it do you?" He asked sounding remarkably composed.

"You know I do," She answered. "Please," She tried again, "Please make me come, Spike!"

"Gonna make you feel so good, luv," He whispered, sounding close to her ear and when he pulled almost completely out of her and thrust in again harshly, her eyes popped open and--even as she screamed herself hoarse, the orgasm stronger than ever before--her world came crashing down around her.

There was the phone.

The evil phone that she'd forgotten all about.

Silently she cursed the phone...or what it meant, rather.

Spike hadn't been doing that with her, she'd just been a convenient warm body for him to get his rocks off with.

Even as he was breathing heavily against her neck, having just come inside her, Buffy couldn't stand the touch of him. Using as much energy as she had left, she shoved him off of her, uncaring of where or how he landed, and practically ran into the room's bathroom slamming the door shut behind her.



It was the sound of the slamming door which woke her. Which, if she thought about it, really didn't make any sense since a sound in your dream was not supposed to wake you from your dream. But it did. And Buffy was wide awake now.

Fumbling in the dark for her lamp switch, she blinked into the bright light once the lamp was switched on and pushed herself up so she was sitting against the headboard. Buffy drew in deep breaths of air as she closed her eyes and laid her head back against the wall, all in an attempt to gain control of her racing heart...and mind.

Leave it to her to have a dream where, to show herself how much of a complete and utter slut--not to mention horrible person--she was, she switched places with Spike.

She knew just what he'd felt that night, now. Knew just what he must think of her. And not only that, but now she knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that it was true.

Before she could have pretended if she wanted to, but now there was no denying it. Every single word Spike had said when he left that day was the complete and utter truth.

She had treated his as a human sex toy; no better than the little vibrator she hid in her underwear drawer. Sure he felt better, but she hadn't treated him any better. And when she realized that she had done that, had consciously done that...had used another person just for sex, without any thought whatsoever to their person or anyone's feelings....Add to that that she'd made money from it..

That she could have sex with someone...just anyone really, for money...that, by definition, made her a whore. There was no going back from it now.

Really, it should have caused her a great deal more sadness than it did. To decide something like that about one’s self was a big thing, but all Buffy could manage to feel was...numb. Like she'd accepted it long ago and this was just one of the final steps into erasing even those last teeny tiny doubts from her mind.

Buffy never once thought, though, about the fact that that night she hadn't really been on the phone with anyone. She'd set up the phone so that it called her cell, no one had been on the other end of the line that night. But that didn't seem to matter anymore; seemed to be a detail that got lost in all the commotion.

She'd made William believe she was because she wanted to show him who she was. But she never, even now, seemed to realize that by acting like she was worse than she was, that she could have sex with him while 'working' and talking to someone else...

She'd done it to get him to believe she was a whore, but in the end? In the end she'd done a damn fine job of convincing herself as well.


TBC..........

I know those Spike/Other and Buffy/Other warnings didn't exactly apply...but they sort of did (in my screwed up mind at least) so....




'kay, author's note time: For various reasons I'm taking a big ole break from the internet...(LJ, IMs, email, fic reading--the whole lot of it, even the sites I need to be keeping up--which makes me a bad, bad person I know)...but...see this is where you'll hopefully like me--I decided that two (or three with JaT) times a week I could take five minutes to log in here and copy and paste the chapters...plus, it wouldn't exactly be a very nice place to leave you all.....So the point of all this is, if you're asking me questions in reviews or email (or just emailling me) and I'm not replying, that's why.

Hopefully this'll work out and Brat and Facingthesun will still talk to me at the end of it.....and if their sites aren't up-to-date send me all the mean emails, okay? And again, I'm sorry, but it really is something I just have to do.

It also means CvA will be pushed back (I think) so Elena can be mad at me too...but I just want the judges and nominated people to know that it will get done.....really, horribly late, but it will. Honestly if I had control over this stuff that's going on.....

I'll try to keep the updates as regular as possible--and at the same time as usual--but I may miss some...I probably won't be sending out too many update emails either--sorry. (But hey, the alternative is no fic until I'm back-back...)

I'll shut up now and just say......don't hate me (for the leaving or for the fic) Oh, but please still review? I'd love to have a bunch to read once i can come back :)

Chapter 31

With the memory of the dream at the forefront of her mind, Buffy headed off towards the Bronze intent on doing...something so that she wouldn't ever be able to doubt her...status ever again.

Never let it be said that Buffy Summers wasn't good at beating herself down.

Just don't let her know she’s doing it; she’s pretty oblivious to how much she seems to hate herself....how much she’s making Buffy hate Buffy.




The Bronze was nearly full—it was, after all, nearly eleven o'clock on a Friday. Everyone from both Sunnydale High and UC Sunnydale was there relaxing after a tough week of classes and assignments, putting off any dreaded homework until at least the next morning.

Eerily reminiscent of the first night she'd started coming back to the Bronze, Buffy found a seat at the exact same table and once again sat and waited. She was going to let whoever—and whatever—come to her. She'd just sit back and wait for it to happen.

A few high school boys asked her to dance, one of them was incredibly genuine and really did just want to dance with her, but the other two seemed to have some sort of bet going with their friends and hoped to get a little something more out of her. But, Buffy knew, they weren't going to have any luck. No matter what she was trying to prove to people—or herself—she was going to do it with someone who was at least of legal age. No way was she giving anyone the opportunity of charging her with statutory rape.


It was when someone named Parker came over to her table that Buffy realized what she had to do…or rather what she was going to do.

“Can I buy you a drink?” He asked when he saw that she was almost done with her current one.

“That would be nice,” Buffy answered, swirling the remaining liquid around in the small glass.

“Anything in particular you’d like?” He tried to be appeasing.

“How about you surprise me?” Buffy answered, repeating what she’d told Faith weeks earlier. She was hoping that this night would lead to a similar but yet slightly different conclusion.

“Surprises I can do,” He smiled flirtatiously as he turned and headed for the bar.

Buffy simply sat back and smiled while she waited for his return, pleased with her decision.

“Here you go,” He was back faster than she’d thought he would be, “One—“

“Uh uh,” Buffy interrupted wagging her finger at him, “Not a surprise if you tell me what it is; now is it?”

“I guess not,” He laughed watching as Buffy picked up the glass without hesitation and took a big swallow.

Parker laughed again, deeper this time, when Buffy screwed up her face at the taste of the drink.

“I think I’m glad that I didn’t ask what that was,” Buffy muttered, wiping at her watering eyes before, against her better judgment (but hey, all of this was against her better judgment; she’d quit listening to it at all months ago) she took another huge gulp of the heavily liquored drink.

For something that looked like an innocent glass of…maybe tea, it sure did have a kick to it.

“You sure you want to be drinking it that fast?” Parker asked in concern, “You don’t look like you’re too used to drinking and…”

“Oh,” Buffy drawled, feeling the alcohol start to affect her, “There’s a lot that I can do that you wouldn’t guess just by looking at me.”

“That so?” He asked, intrigued.

“Yep,” Buffy answered succinctly, taking yet another sip of the drink.

“Going to give me an example?”

“Maybe later,” She answered knowing that she would in fact be giving him an example, “Let’s dance now.” She quickly drained the last of her drink before getting up.

Not believing his luck, Parker followed the slightly swaying—either from the music or the alcohol—girl onto the dance floor.

“I like this song,” Buffy told him as she settled against him. It was a slow song but that wasn’t going to stop Buffy from showing him that she could be fun. She pushed herself much tighter against him than was even remotely necessary and moved her hips against his in such a way—for the entire length of the song—that by the closing chords Parker thought he might go crazy. If they didn’t do something more that is.

Parker tried to pull Buffy, by the hand towards one of the darkened corners of the club, but she stopped him.

“Not yet,” She reprimanded, “Just one more dance.” He started to protest but she intervened again, “I haven’t given you that example yet,” She said it with such a wicked gleam in her eye that he knew it was going to be good. So he waited.

Halfway through the next song, Buffy slid up the young man’s body as sexily as she could managed, having decided that it was time to tell him now. “What to know what I do? For a living?”

Not quite following the turn of events, he answered anyway, “Sure.”

“Have to ask, then,” Buffy teased.

“What do you do for a living Buffy?” He asked, figuring the drunk girl would say that she was a receptionist of an office assistant or something.

“I’m a whore,” Buffy whispered in his ear.

“What?!” He sputtered, figuring she had to be toying with him; punishing him somehow for something he hadn’t realized he’d done wrong.

Not so, though.

“Uh huh,” Buffy answered cheerfully, “That’s what I do. I have sex with men for money. Give me fifty bucks and I’ll blow you.” She said it all so casually that he had no idea if she was putting him on or not.

“Are you serious?” He asked, curious now.

“Course I am. Not something I’d go around joking about now is it? Want to?”

“Think you know the answer to that,” He told her, already fishing out his wallet.

Buffy held her hand out, palm up and waited for him to put the fifty dollar bill in it before stuffing it down her shirt and looking back at him.

“Come on,” She said, taking his hand and leading him towards one of the darkest back corners of the club.

“Is a blow job the most I can get?” He asked her when his back was settled against the dark wall and she was standing in front of him.

“Don’t get greedy, mister,” Buffy hadn’t really thought that far yet, so she gave the best answer she could.

Buffy didn’t feel anything, emotionally that is, as she reached her hands out to undo the young man’s pants. She settled his pants and boxers out of the way before settling down onto her knees on the floor.

Buffy pumped him with her hands as she tried to get her mouth as moist as possible—which was harder than usual as it seemed to be incredibly dry at the moment.

When she thought they were both ready, she took him into her mouth. It had been a while since she’d done this so it took her a few moments to develop a rhythm but his hands in her hair helped direct her.

“Oh, yeah,” He muttered, “Suck my cock! Suck it hard, baby!”

Buffy could feel tears slipping through her closed eyes but willed them back as best she could. She deserved this.

But when she felt him hit the back of her throat while he still pulled her closer to him, she lost it.

Buffy fell backwards, landing hard on her ass, not noticing the pain as his hands pulled her hair, the unexpected motion taking Parker by surprise.

“What the fuck?” He grumbled, taking a second to realize that her mouth was no longer around his cock. “What are you doing?”

TBC.......




huh...felt lke that chapter should have had more warnings to it...uhm, I absolutely promise to get the next chapter up on Saturday because it follows directl after this one. Also, I'm still not reading reviews (God is that hard) or emails, so.....hopefully there's nothing too urgent...but I am getting writing done, so...yay?

and just as a reminder: I've promised that this will have a Spuffy ending..don't forget that :)

and....I have lots of ands today, sorry--MBB will actualy have an epiloge posted soon. I just need to rework it a ilttle so I'm happy with it then it'll be up.

Chapter 32


“I can’t!” Buffy cried, the tears finally falling down her face unchecked.

“You bitch!” He nearly roared and Buffy fell backwards even further, using her feet to push her away from Parker.

She started to try to get up but before she could, Parker had dropped down to the ground and was holding her legs against the floor with his lower body. “Uh, uh, uh,” he scolded, putting nearly all of his weight on her when she tried to push him off. “Whores like you don’t get to change their minds like that! I’m going to get what I paid for.”

Buffy tried to scream as she felt his hand that wasn’t holding her hands above her head—and how had she not noticed that happening?—reach down and shove her short skirt up around her waist. She tried to scream, but Parker pressed his mouth against hers hard enough that it hurt.

He was pushing up the other side of her skirt, not happy with the awkward angle it was at when Buffy realized just how much trouble she’d gotten herself into. She didn’t know what to do, how to get him to stop but when his hand returned to her left side and reached for the side of her panties, Buffy knew she had to try everything she could.

As his hand pulled and she felt part of his attention turn towards the action, Buffy simultaneously bit down hard on his tongue and kneed him as hard as she could with the limited movement she had.

But even with the short distance she had available to move her leg, it was effective because he didn’t even have the fabric of his pants to protect him from her assault. Add to that that Buffy had suddenly found more power and strength than she normally had, and it was enough to send Parker reeling back, blood dripping from his cut tongue.

Buffy pushed as much of her body up as she could, as hard as she could and nearly cried even more in relief when she succeeded in knocking him off of her.

Not waiting to see what condition the man was in and without collecting her purse or coat or even her ripped off underwear, Buffy jumped up and ran through the back door of the club, pulling her skirt down only after she’d exited the back door.

Somewhere between where she’d started running and where she stopped out in the Bronze’s back alley, the heel of one of Buffy’s shoes broke, leaving her ankle twisted; and she was no longer crying.

As she started walking towards her house, Buffy took off her shoes, throwing the overly expensive heels into a nearby dumpster. She pulled her short skirt down as far as she could, trying every few feet to pull it even farther down her legs.

She felt incredibly overexposed at the moment.




It was ten minutes before she realized that she was walking in the wrong direction.

That simple realization seemed to crumble her carefully built composure and before she knew it her vision was blurred by the barrage of tears flowing down her face.

For a few minutes she tried to wipe them away but when she realized it didn’t help, she just cried harder and let the liquid trail down her cheeks as she continued in what was the correct direction.


Buffy was glad it was late. She’d made it home without anyone seeing her to stop her; she was thankful for that, not knowing if she could handle anyone asking what was wrong.


It was just supposed to be a word.

As Buffy undressed and turned on her shower, throwing her clothes in the garbage, she reflected back on what had started this all.

She knew it was her fault but for some reason she felt the need to punish herself by remembering just how.

She’d started dating Angel when she was just fifteen, young, she realized now. Especially given that he was nineteen at the time.

They’d dated for nearly a year and, on her sixteenth birthday; she had snuck out after her party to go to his apartment. Her parents had forbade her the week earlier to see him, not thinking it was right for her to be dating someone older—not at her young age. But she was young and in love, there was no way she was going to let their disapproval stop her.

As a birthday present to herself—and as a way of keeping Angel from leaving her for one of the more experience college girls he went to school with—Buffy had decided that that was going to be the night.

She’d stopped him before, not thinking she was ready…She still wasn’t one hundred percent sure she was ready but she knew she had to do it.

So when she got there, at nearly one in the morning, she’d silently led Angel who had been expecting her, into his bedroom. If she’d expected him to question what she was doing she’d have been disappointed. He just led her over to the bed and kissed her as he laid them down.

Buffy had started to panic when he reached for the button on her pants, but she knew she had to go through with it. Thinking that it was just nerves and that a few more minutes would help, she’d stopped him.

“I want to do something for you first,” She told him, pleased when he grinned at her before rolling over onto his back and undoing his pants.



Even now Buffy wouldn’t let herself remember it all, apparently even she wouldn’t let herself be punished that much. But no matter how hard she’d tried—and over the last three years she had certainly tried—she just couldn’t block out what he’d said.

He’d taken several minutes to come and Buffy, hadn’t enjoyed a second of it. It just didn’t feel right somehow. And when he did come, she didn’t know what to do. Suddenly her mouth was full of this warm liquid and she didn’t know what to do.

Angel wasn’t any help either, just looking at her blankly. Before she could properly decide, Buffy’s need to breathe took over and she rushed to the bathroom, spitting into the sink.

She hoped that that was okay.

To Angel it hadn’t been though. He looked extremely displeased with her when she came back into the room.

“God, Buffy,” He muttered, “You suck cock worse than a five dollar whore.”


And that, that single sentence, was why she was so fucked up now. Why she didn’t think she’d ever be right again.

It hurt so much to hear him say that to her, to hear that she couldn’t please him sexually. Even when they’d had actual intercourse—something that she’d all but blocked from her mind because of the non event that it was, she’d failed him. Her father had left her mother for someone much younger and had all but told her, Buffy, that it was because of the sex.

Buffy didn’t ever want to be left like that. She didn’t want to have a child with a man and someday have him decide that, even though they were a family, he couldn’t stay with them just because she couldn’t pleasure him well enough. She wouldn’t do that to her child.

So she’d gotten her job eventually, deciding that maybe it would be enough to help her know what she’d done wrong; help her know what she needed to do to do it right.

Maybe if she could handle the words, she’d be able to handle the actions themselves as well.


Buffy stepped into the steaming shower and did her best to clear her mind as she scrubbed herself nearly raw, trying to get the feeling of Parker and what he’d done off of her.

But she couldn’t help but think, ‘You did it. You did it, Buffy. You took that job and that’s what made you this whore. It’s all your fault.’

She was sobbing again by the time she stumbled, still soaking wet and nude, out of the bathroom. As she passed her vanity she grabbed a bottle and settled herself on the bed.

It had started out as a word. Just a word. But somehow, she’d become what it was. There was a difference between calling yourself a whore and actually being one. And tonight she’d crossed the line.

She didn’t know if she could go back from it.

She unscrewed the cap of the bottle she’d grabbed and dumped a handful of the pills into her hand. Finding the glass of water she always kept at her bedside, she swallowed as many as she could, choking on a few. But that didn’t stop her; Buffy dumped the remaining few pills out and swallowed them as well, the tears still pouring down her face.

It wasn’t until she’d set the glass of water back down on the table that she saw the thing she’d been avoiding looking at but had also left in plain sight as a sort of punishment and a reminder of just how utterly horrible she was.

It was a picture her mother had taken at some point. She and William were sitting at the patio table and he was holding some book while she painted her nails. She remembered when it happened even if she didn’t remember the picture being taken. She’d been applying the final coat of polish to one of her nails when she’d felt him staring at her. She’d looked up, blushing when she saw the look on his face.

She’d made some joke about him needing to cut out the sexual stuff with her parents so close and he’d just told her she was beautiful. The picture was of the smile that Buffy had tried to hide from him just then.

Was it possible that it was just a word? Sure that picture had been before…before tonight, but Spike knew everything about her and until she’d ruined it all, he still wanted her. Was it possible she could still fix it…fix her?

Even as sleep tried to overtake her and pull her under, Buffy fumbled for the phone next to her bed. Using all the strength she had, she pressed a single button and held it to her ear.

“Mommy, please,” She wasn’t able to say anymore as she lost consciousness.



TBC................



A/N: See, I told you that things would eventually be explained and this chapter was the beginning of it....And I...I dare you to review this chapter (sorry, I'm just really nervous about it and really want to know what everyone thinks).

Also, on a different note, I was toying around with the idea of having a sort of 'fic preview group' where a few people could read the starts of new stories--or the ideas for them--and give me feedback....does anyone think that might be a good idea?

MBB's epilogue should be up Monday--should be ;)

Chapter 33

It was well past when she needed to be home, but Joyce was just now leaving her dinner party. Rupert was already home, asleep probably, as he had stayed home ill that evening. She wished she’d had the insight to think of doing the same. Madeline was not one of her better friends nor was she one of the more entertaining ones.

Dinner had been an incredible dull affair—boring her hours before it was over. But as it was expected for her to stay to the end, that was just what Joyce did.

Now she was thinking that it had actually been a wise decision. Had she left early—like she had wanted to do—she would have already shut her cell phone off and might have even been sound asleep in her bed by now. Now being when she received Buffy’s phone call…

Her daughter had sounded so lost as she said those two words that even before she heard the phone bang against the floor, with no further communication from Buffy, Joyce had known something was desperately wrong.

“Buffy! Buffy, baby…come on, please, sweetheart! Buffy!” When there was no answer after nearly thirty seconds and the call hadn’t been disconnected from the other end, Joyce hung up; hoping she was doing the right thing, she quickly dialed her home number, waiting for four rings for her husband to answer, all while urgently tapping her hand on the steering wheel.

She wasn’t sure just what was happening but she knew something was wrong with her daughter, “God dammit, Rupert, answer the phone!” It was two more rings and just as she was about to disconnect before he answered.

“Joyce? What is it?” He asked groggily, he’d been asleep for hours and the ringing had woken him from a deep sleep just seconds earlier.

“Something’s wrong with Buffy!” Joyce knew she was yelling but she couldn’t manage to make herself care.

“What? What’s wrong with her?”

“I don’t know…But you need to go check on her; call an ambulance first, okay? Maybe take the phone with you as you go so you can tell them what they need to bring? I mean you don’t want to get out there and then have to call—“

“Joyce, sweetheart, how do you know something’s wrong with Buffy?”

“She called me,” She explained anxiously.

“And she didn’t tell you what was the matter?”

“No! That’s the thing…Listen, I’ll explain later. Just go check on her now, please?” She begged.

“Of course,” He said, already walking down the stairs in his pajamas.

“Thank you, Rupert. Please tell let me know what it is…and hurry!”

“I’m on my way already,” He knew that there was more to this than just Joyce being overly worried, so his tone had grown more considerate. “I’m going to need to hang up, so that I can call an ambulance, alright? If anything happens before you get home, I’ll be sure to let you know.”

”Thank you,” She said as she hung up once again concentrating completely on her driving. She knew that getting into a car accident now would do her no good and she needed to be there for Buffy so she put all her attention and focus on getting home safely.

It crossed her mind to call William but she decided it would be better to wait to contact him until they knew the situation and if there was in fact a reason to contact him. As it was, she wasn’t entirely sure why she had thought of calling him….Maybe it was the shock of the entire situation.

All she did know was that she had to get home to her daughter…and now.



“Buffy!” Giles called as he ran out to the pool house. A sense of dread had overtaken him just moments after ending his phone call with Joyce and it only increased as he neared the house; so he was hoping that any moment now his yells would bring her from the house. He could just imagine her stumbling out, half asleep asking him if he had gone crazy.

Now if only that would just happen.



When he reached the door with no signs of stirring inside, he began to truly worry. He had thought, remarkably, to bring a key with him, but as he turned the lock he realized that he didn’t need in fact need it—the door was still unlocked.

And that was when he realized something was in fact very wrong.

Buffy, for whatever reason, had always been the one to make sure all of the doors in the house were locked. That all of the windows closed and, even, that the keys were out of the locks. There was no way that she would have come home and gone to bed without locking her front door. It just wasn’t like her.


Quickly as he could, he pushed the door open—all while telling the 911 operator that he was sure he needed an ambulance—even if he couldn’t tell them just why. They were driving him insane though, with their refusal to dispatch one until they knew the situation. Something or another about ‘unnecessary expenditures’. Drove him bloody mad.

“I don’t know why I need the bloody thing!” He argued. “But I do. If I have to wait to give you the exact reason, it may be too late,” Giles attempted to explain as he made his way into the bedroom.

“God, don’t let it be too late,” He muttered in anguish as he saw Buffy sprawled out on the bed, naked, the empty prescription bottle on the floor, a few superfluous pills next to it. What told him though, that something was wrong—besides the blank, empty look on his step-daughter’s face—was the phone blaring a busy signal from its position just inches away from her arm that was hanging bonelessly over the side of the bed.

Buffy had definitely not just fallen asleep.

”My daughter’s tried to kill herself,” He finally had a reason to give the operator. “I need an ambulance! Now!”

Having been told his address just minutes earlier, the operator, now knowing the situation, answered, “One will be there in twenty to thirty minutes, sir.”

“Twenty to thirty…Are you completely daft? That’s too long!”

”It’s the best we can do,” The young woman explained patiently.

”Then I’ll just take her myself. And understand that if any harm comes to her I will be coming after you!” With that Giles shut the phone off and rushed to Buffy’s closet; finding her a robe he took it over to her prone form and, even as he tried to wake her, pulled it tightly around her limp body and picked her up in his arms, carrying her out to his car.

“Shh, Buffy, you’re going to be okay, sweetheart. I’m going to get you to the doctor and he’s going to make you all better again. You’re going to be just fine, Buffy,” He said, reassuring himself as well.

Once he’d gotten Buffy settled in the front seat—he wanted to be able to keep a close eye on her no matter what—he quickly sped off in the direction of the hospital. When he’d gotten onto the main road and thought he could drive well enough without it having his full attention, he fished his phone from his front pocket and called his wife.

“Joyce, love, I’ve got Buffy.”

“Is she okay? Please tell me she’s okay, Rupert,” Joyce frantically pleaded.

He so very much wished he could tell her that, but knew that now wasn’t the time to lie to her. “I’m taking her to the hospital,” He semi-explained. “The ambulance was going to take too long so I’m driving her myself. “Why don’t you meet us there?”

Joyce hastily agreed and just moments later he was once again wholly focused on getting his unconscious daughter to the hospital.

He was not going to let anything happen to her.


TBC.........

so there wasn't actually violence but....oh well it's my weird brain, even I don't understand it at times ;)

Back to work for me now......please review?

Chapter 34


Despite her noble efforts to the contrary, Joyce was nearly frantic by the time she finally reached the hospital emergency room less than twenty five minutes later. Praying, quietly under her breath, she rushed inside and looked for her husband.

It didn’t take her long to find him; he was waiting right inside the sliding doors. And Buffy wasn’t with him.

“Where is she? Where’s my baby girl?” She nearly sobbed.

“Shh, Joyce, it’s okay. They’re working on her right now. We got here about ten minutes ago; I just wanted to be sure to find you.”

”Why aren’t you with her?” She asked in a very accusing tone. “Why’d you leave her all by herself?”

“I had to, sweetheart. They’re going to help her out and then we can see her. The doctor should be out in just a few minutes to let us know how she’s doing,” he explained patiently, not letting her anger get to him as he knew she didn’t mean it. At least not towards him; she was just scared.

“What happened?” She finally found the courage to ask the question that had been playing through her mind ever since Buffy’s phone call.

It was the question Rupert was dreading having to answer. He didn’t want to have to be the one to tell his wife this, that her only child had attempted suicide. But more than that, he didn’t want her to have to hear it from someone else.

“Do you want to sit down?”

“No! I want you to tell me what happened.”

“Buffy took those painkillers she had from when she pulled that muscle in her back.”

“But those are strong…really strong. Why would she take them now?”

He’d hoped she would be able to infer some things but apparently that wasn’t going to happen; not now. “She took them all, love.”

“She….Why would she—Oh, God!” She finally realized what he was telling her. “My baby tried to kill herself! Oh God!” Joyce collapsed down to the waiting room floor in sobs, heedless to the stares she was gathering.

“You have to remember though,” He reasoned, “That she called you. She wanted help, Joyce. She didn’t want to die.”

“Then why?” She questioned. “Why did she do it?”

“I don’t know. Buffy’s going to have to tell us that. But the important thing is that she called you and we got her help. The doctors are doing everything they can right now. Let’s go sit, okay? So that when it’s time we can talk to Buffy.”

“Yes, yes,” She mumbled. “That sounds like a good idea.”

Joyce followed her husband to a group of chairs in the far off corner, wanting to be away from as many people as possible. They sat there for several minutes, waiting for the doctor to come give them news of Buffy’s condition, before she remembered something she’d thought about in the car.

“Rupert?” She questioned meekly.

“Yes?”

“Why do I feel like I should call William?”

Deciding that this was neither the time nor the place for any explanations, he chose the simple answer. “I supposed because he’s like family—at least for those few weeks he was. And this is something big…I think you should call him if you want. I’m sure he would appreciate it.” He hoped that the last was true.

“I think I’ll go do that now,” She explained, pulling out her cell phone as she walked to the sliding doors again. “You’ll let me know if the doctor comes?”

“Of course,” He said, watching as she slowly walked through the doors. She was doing a good job of covering, but he could tell she was just one more setback away from breaking down completely. He prayed, not for the first time that night, that Joyce would get to speak with her daughter again.




William was sound asleep; it was after three in the morning in New York after all. The ringing of his cell phone—which he had apparently forgotten to turn off—woke him with a start and he could hear mumbling in her sleep.

Not wanting to wake the girl, he quickly grabbed the phone and answered it with a groggy, “Hello?”

“Oh, William! I’m so glad your phone was on. I’m sorry for waking you,” Joyce apologized quickly. The tone of her voice as well as the late hour had Spike sitting up immediately and looking for a shirt.

But her next words stopped his search and sent him out into the living room where he could have some light…and be away from Harmony.

“It’s Buffy.”

A million horrible thoughts went rushing through his mind all at once. He saw Buffy hurt and bloodied; saw her crying; saw her telling them everything…saw a million worse scenarios that he wouldn’t even acknowledge thinking.

“What’s….What about her?”

Not sure how much she should say, especially since she didn’t have all that much information. “She’s in the hospital, William.”

“Is she going to be okay?” He couldn’t hide the concern in his voice. He still loved the girl after all.

”Oh, William,” Joyce was crying again. “My baby tried to kill herself.”

Those six words had him stumbling back against the counter in shock. Buffy? His Buffy? No, that couldn’t be right. As fucked up as she might have been that girl had too much life in her to….

“I’ll be there in a few hours. Is she in a room or…?” He’d sunk down to the floor by then and was resting his head back against his cabinets; his eyes were shut tightly to hold off the tears.

“Not yet, the doctors are still…Not yet,” She told him. “I can let you know when she is. Then you can make a decision about coming out—“

“No!” He argued almost too vehemently, “I’m coming now. Do you think you could leave a message on my phone if she gets a room before I get there?”

“Of course,” She started to say more, but he interrupted her.

“I’ll see you in a few hours Joyce.” Maybe he should have said something to comfort her and his brother but all he could think of at the moment was Buffy. He couldn’t—wouldn’t—lose her. He needed to get there.

“Harm!” He yelled, completely uncaring of the hour. “Get up. I’m leaving,” He was still yelling as he made his way back into the bedroom. As long as he was focused on getting Harmony out and him to the airport he couldn’t cry. At least that was the plan.

“Wha? Spikey? Come back to bed,” She mumbled sleepily.

“No!” He shouted again, “I have to go. Which means you have to go. Now up! Come on, I’ll go get you a cab.” When he had reached the door but she still hadn’t moved, he walked around the room turning on every light and when she only cursed at him and buried her head under the pillow he turned on the stereo as well. “Bloody hell, woman! Get up. I have to leave now and I’m not leaving you here.”

Harmony finally seemed awake enough to catch on to the tone of his voice. “When will you be back?” She asked as she got up and started to brush her hair.

“No time for that,” He stopped her as he threw her dress at her. “And I won’t be back.”

”What do you mean you won’t be back?” She stopped with her dress half zipped.

After finishing zipping the dress and grabbing twenty dollars, he led her to the front door. “I mean, I’m not coming back. Was nice while it lasted but I have to go see my girl—Bye, Harm.”

She tried to sputter out a reply as he put the bill in her hand, but he had closed the door on her before she could thing of anything.


He hadn’t been lying to Harmony, he wasn’t coming back. He was going to stay this time. Somehow, some way he was going to—really—prove to Buffy that she was worth it. This time he was going to do it. Of that he had no doubts.

Quickly he pulled on a t-shirt and some shoes before shoving as many random clothes as he could into a duffle bag. Grabbing his work bag and wallet he was out of the apartment less then ten minutes later; he didn’t even care that his hair was sleep tousled and all he was wearing was sweatpants and a t-shirt.

He was determined.

He called the airport and booked a flight during the cab ride to the airport. It had cost a lot but he was definitely on the flight leaving at six am. And after he explained that his fiancé was in an accident and in the hospital, possibly dying, they’d put him on standby for the five am flight as well.

God he hoped that ‘possibly dying’ part was a lie. The rest sure wasn’t—at least not with the plans he had.


TBC........

I know, I know, I made him mean to Harmony, but....sorry? And I hope all of you are okay and no one is in or has family/friends in Lebanon or Israel--or Palestine either

PART III

Forgiveness is the key to your unhappiness



Chapter 35


The doctor, who came out of the emergency room more than an hour later, explained to them what had happened to Buffy.

“Mr. and Mrs. Giles, your daughter overdosed on painkillers. Muscle relaxers specifically. Now, taking the recommended dosage makes most people drowsy, given the type of medicine and its effects on one’s body; but taking as much as you daughter did…well it could have easily killed her.

“It was good that you brought her in when you did. Her system hadn’t yet had enough time to really absorb much of the medicine. We believe she actually was unconscious either from something she took earlier in the evening, because one of the pills just got through her more quickly than usual, or perhaps, other events effected her tolerance.” He didn’t tell them that she had been legally drunk as well when they tested her blood and that he was sure that was the cause of the speedy effects. “Whatever the case may be…we pumped her stomach to be sure all of the medication was completely out of her system and we’re running an IV to keep her blood clear.

The nurses are just getting her set up in a room now, attaching all of the proper monitors and such, but you can see her as soon as they’ve finished.”

”Thank you, doctor,” Rupert tried to thank the man but Joyce wasn’t quite done with him yet.

“You mean she has to stay the night?”

”At least that, Mrs. Giles—“

“Summers, it’s Mrs. Summers.”

“Sorry, ma’am. As I was saying, Mrs. Summers, we’ll have to keep your daughter for observation for at least that long. By law everyone brought in for a suicide attempt is monitored for a day and is spoken to by a psychiatric member of our staff. Some are checked into our psychiatric unit for rehabilitation but given that your daughter is of legal age, that choice will be left up to her.”

“Thank you doctor,” Joyce said finally, happy that she knew what was going to happen to her daughter now. “Will someone let us know when we can see Buffy or is there somewhere we should go to wait?”

“She’ll be up on the fourth floor; I’m not sure of the room yet, but you can go up there to wait and they’ll let you know when you can see her.”

After one last thank you from Giles, Joyce and Giles started towards the elevators. “Do you think there will be a phone I can use up there?” She asked.

“I’m sure there will, but may I ask why?”

“I told William that when we had a room number for Buffy that I’d let him know. I’d like to call him.”

“Oh, does he wish to call her?”

“What do you mean?”

”Why else would he need her room number if not to call her?” He prayed it wasn’t the only other thing he could think of it being.

“He’s on his way to see her and needs to know where to go.”

“Are you sure that’s wise?” Rupert asked his wife.

“Why wouldn’t it be? Do you know something Rupert? Something you’re not telling me?”

“Perhaps before William gets here, you should talk to Buffy about just what was happening between her and William before he left. And don’t let her know just yet that he’s coming; it might be for the best.”

”What is it you’re not telling me?” Joyce asked again as they stepped off of the elevator and went to find the fourth floor’s waiting area.

“I believe it’s up to Buffy. I’m not even sure I know the whole story. All that I do know is that it might not be best for to see William just now.”



The flight attendant had just knocked on the door for the sixth time, but he didn’t much care. Spike had made it to the airport in record time—cabs could be good for that, so could the three am hour—and actually got onto the first flight. Apparently the look of him had gotten the point across that he needed to get on that flight.

And ironically enough, it was also the look of him that had him where he was now. Just minutes into the flight he’d gotten up to use the plane’s restroom and that was where he still was now, just minutes until they began their descent into Los Angeles.

He’d been fine since he’d left his apartment and even into the flight, but he’d nearly lost it when he’d gotten a good look at himself in the bathroom mirror.

It all came crashing down on him then. One look at the pain etched so clearly across his face and he could no longer deny why it was there…

Buffy.

He’d left her. There was no denying that. And never once had he really thought it was the wrong decision, not until just that moment. It was his fault—maybe not entirely but if only he had stayed there maybe he could have….maybe he could have stopped her.

He didn’t know what he was going to do if…

Being apart from her was hard but at least he knew she was still there; that she still was. He wasn’t sure he would be able to deal with anything worse than that.

When the seventh, annoyed knock on the door came, announcing that he’d have to leave the bathroom because they were landing, Spike decided that maybe, just maybe, he would be able to sit amongst other people for the remainder of the flight.




The beeping of his cell phone as soon as he turned it on—which was as soon as the pilot announced he could do so—let him know that he had a message. He hoped it was from Joyce.

And that it was telling him where his beloved Buffy was in the hospital…and that it was one of the places they allowed you to visit.

He tried calling from inside the plane but for some reason the blasted phone couldn’t get a signal. How it could get the signal to tell him there was a message but not the signal that allowed him to call and retrieve that message, he’d never know.

It took more minutes than he wanted for everyone in front of him to get off of the plane, but he only had his duffel bag—that he’d taken on the plane—so he didn’t have to worry about luggage and baggage claim.

As soon as he was out in the terminal, he called up his voice mail.

He nearly laughed—because laughing was better than crying-- in relief when it was Joyce telling him that Buffy was doing well and she was in room 417. She told him that they would try to give word that he could see Buffy but if the nurses wouldn’t allow him back to just wait a few minutes and either she or Rupert would come out to find him.

Hoping that cabs in California were as fast as they were in New York City, he hailed one outside of the airport and told the older man driving to please take him to Sunnydale General Hospital. And he pressed that it was very urgent and he needed to get there as soon as absolutely possible.

“Don’t worry, Buffy love,” He silently promised, “I’ll be there in just a few minutes. Going to take care of my girl now…never letting you go again, sweetheart.”


TBC.......please review :-) (Part III name from a Savage Garden song_

Author's Note:
So yeah, reading my reviews at some point when I’m dealing with stuff like suicide and hospital stays and medical confidentiality would be good, huh? (After all I did look up stuff on phone sex operators ;-)) I based the confidentiality-ness (the doctor telling Giles and Joyce how Buffy was doing) on having signed things that allowed doctors to provide my parents with information and it being a one time (or at least several years long) deal. So I assumed that at some point in the last year and however many months since he turned eighteen, Buffy signed something that would have given that doctor permission to speak with her parents. And I was basing the twenty four hour hold because of her suicide attempt on someone I know having attempted suicide a while back and that’s what they did here. It’s highly possible that I took too much information that I have personally dealt with and (possibly because it has involved two or three states) applied it to California as well.

Okay, so I did go and look it up and a police officer or a health care professional can place someone under a 72 hour involuntary hold if: they are a danger to themselves; a danger to others; gravely disabled. I guess what I was trying to get across was that Buffy had called her parents for help and had not attempted suicide before so they were going to keep her for 24 hours—to see how she was doing once the effects of the drugs and alcohol wore off—and then a decision would be made—and I actually do bring that up…or I will…I do at some point. (And even when the 72 hour thing is used, its only as long as the doctors find it applicable....basically I’m saying that I think over the span of a few chapters I end up explaining the time).

The best I could find on the medical privacy thing was that all the stuff I’ve done was right, but Mac 1 was also right…a lot of stuff is left up to interpretation from what I can tell. But…it does allow “hospitals or doctors to share information with the patient's spouse, family members…” as long as the patient says so—so I’m saying Buffy says so…I’ll add this to Chapter 35 for anyone reading in the future.

I’ll try to look up what the legal stuff would be now—and that everything works with when the story is happening. Thank you though to Mac 1 and Spufette for bringing it to my attention; I think I based it just on personal experience and didn’t look too much into whether I was right for other states or not…but hey, I have been looking stuff up for my next (or one of my next) stories…and even for California too ;-)

So that was me taking a really long time to say, really, that I think I’m right on the 24 hour thing with Buffy given the circumstances and I *think* I’m right about the privacy/disclosure. But it is all complicated so I’m not here saying “I’m right and you’re wrong!” ;) rather I’m thanking Mac 1 and Spufette for reminding me I should make sure I had the right information….Really, people never ever work on this many stories at once—your forget which ones you researched and which ones you assumed stuff on :-)

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Chapter 36

“Oh, baby!” Joyce was finally allowed in to see her daughter, Rupert trailing in close behind her. “I’m so glad you’re okay. I was so worried, Buffy. I don’t know what I’d do if I lost you and then I got your call and I just knew something was wrong and there was nothing I could do and I had to get Rupert to find you and I felt so powerless and…I’m so glad you’re okay, sweetheart.”

Buffy had been able to hold it together while the nurses told her what they were doing and that she’d need to stay in the hospital overnight—even though she was terrified of hospitals ever since her cousin had died in one over ten years earlier. But her mother’s rambling just undid her.

“I’m so sorry, mommy. I didn’t really mean it,” Okay, so at the moment she had fully meant it, but now she saw that it wasn’t really what she wanted.

“There’s no reason for you to be sorry,” Joyce assured her. “I was just scared. But you’re okay now. See everything’s okay…you’ll be home tomorrow and everything will be fine again.”

Buffy forced a smile, “Of course.”

Buffy and Giles shared a hug where he told her he loved her and was happy she was doing so well. Then he gave Joyce a pointed look and told Buffy he was going to go find something to drink.

“Buffy, I realized earlier that I didn’t actually ask how you felt about William leaving. That wasn’t very motherly of me, I’m sorry. And then Rupert said something…that maybe I should ask about…oh, you know,” She said, changing her mind or chickening out depending on how you looked at it, “Never mind. Why don’t I just let you get some rest?”

“Mommy?” Buffy asked quietly, “Can I tell you why Spike left? I don’t like keeping secrets anymore.”

She sounded so timid and small that Joyce immediately went over to sit on the bed with her. “Of course, sweetie. You know you can tell me anything.”

“But you have to promise not to hate me…I…I wasn’t such a good person.”

“I could never hate you baby,” Joyce assured.

“I know, but…I was horrible, mommy, I was so horrible to him. I know he hates me and…and I already hated me and I thought that I could save him if I could just get him to see I wasn’t worth it. I was so sure he didn’t care…but he did, mommy, he really, really did.

And I broke his heart because I couldn’t see that.”

“Buffy? Do you want to tell me the whole story?” She could sense that maybe this was something Buffy needed to get out in order to fully deal with everything.

“You have to promise though; promise you won’t hate me.”

“I promise, baby, I’ll never hate you.”

“It has to do a bit with Angel…well a lot actually. I know you and Giles think I quit seeing him when you told me to, but…um, I kind of didn’t,” She blushed then, and wondered how she was ever going to tell the rest of the story. “On my sixteenth birthday, I… I had sex with him…well almost…was more oral sex.” There was no way she was saying the words ‘blow job’ around her mother; at least not in succession.

“I didn’t really think you completely quit seeing him when we told you to, but I never thought…Did you ever have sex with him?”

“No, I never did. He, um, I don’t really want to tell you this because well it’s embarrassing and on top of that you’re my mother…but it’s crucial to the rest of the story and…” Taking a deep breath Buffy drew up all of her courage, Buffy rushed the words out, “He told me that I you-know’ed worse than a five dollar whore.”

Joyce started to try to console her daughter but Buffy told her that she needed to get it all out or she’d lose her nerve and give up. Joyce agreed, albeit reluctantly.

“So, I thought that…Daddy said that he left because of,” She trailed off again knowing her mother knew exactly what she meant. “And I…I didn’t want that to happen to any of my kids. So I decided that somehow I’d…get better. I didn’t really do anything about it for a long time, just thought about it and what I could do. But a while ago I…you know those chat lines they advertise in the back of music and men’s magazines?”

“You mean phone sex, Buffy?” Joyce tried to hide the indignation but failed rather miserably.

“Yes, I mean those. I’ve been working for one of them. Hoping that I could learn how to do it…right…better.”

”Okay,” Joyce started, “I’m not saying I approve of all of this because I can assure you I don’t. But I do see your reasons. What I want to know is how William fits into all of this. He’d better not have hurt you, Buffy.”

“He didn’t…well not really. He…a few months before he came to the house he, um, well he called me.”

“How’d he do that—“ her mother interrupted, “I didn’t think he knew where Rupert was until just a short while before he came to visit.”

“He didn’t call me like that…he, uh,” She hated to do this to William. “He called me at work. He didn’t know who I was. And you don’t have to believe me, but we really did start to develop a relationship. He honestly cared how I was doing and he wanted to know what was wrong when I didn’t sound quite right and…he cared,” She said it as if it were the most amazing thing anyone could have done.

“You really believe that it was more than just…just whatever every other girl on those lines would have been to him? That he cared for you?”

“Yes, I do,” Buffy said with absolute conviction.

”You’re a fool, Buffy.” It hurt to hear her mother say that, especially when she was trying to be so open. But she still had to continue—if only for her own peace of mind.

“And he was the only one that I actually want to have call. I pretended with everyone else, but with him…”

“Oh please, Buffy. This is not something I need to hear.”

“Yes it is!” Buffy insisted. “You need to hear this because you need to know that Spike—that William was the only man who ever made me feel like I really mattered to him.” She could see her mother’s expression becoming more open. “And then when he showed up at the house…He recognized me at first and…”

“That’s why he did all of those stupid voices.”

”Yeah, he didn’t want me to know it was him with everyone around; he wanted to wait until he could talk to me—in private.”

“You found out though, didn’t you? When you went to the kitchen?” Suddenly Buffy’s behavior that night made sense.

“Yeah, I found out…And I was so…Don’t really know, but I was stupid. I convinced myself that he’d been calling me just because I was Giles’ step-daughter and he thought it was some big joke. Or that now he knew I would do that…that he thought I was a…whore and only good for sex.

But he didn’t…apparently. I tried convincing myself that that was what he wanted. I had sex with him a bunch of times and ever damn time he tried to prove to me that he cared about me…maybe loved me. But I was so screwed up that I didn’t see it. I pushed him so hard that he finally left.

And I…I’d done so much to convince him that I really was a whore—and believe me I did a great job. I can’t tell you what I did…because I can’t ever tell anyone about it, but…I’d convinced him and I’d convinced me. So after Riley…you remember him right?”

“Yes, I remember him, honey.”

”He tried to have sex with me and I told him I couldn’t….and he…he called me all sorts of names and told me I acted like a slut at the Bronze and that I couldn’t act how I did and not have sex with him. He called me a whore too….”

“You mean William called you a whore Buffy?” That was definitely a mark against him, possibly the mark as far as Joyce was concerned.

“Don’t worry, mommy. He didn’t believe it before—I just drilled it into his head enough and he got angry enough…don’t be mad at him for it, please.”

“I’ll try, but…”

"I know. But if I can forgive him, can't you?"

"I guess."

Buffy smiled at her mother's reluctance. "Anyway, after Riley…after all that happened with Riley, I, um, I went to the Bronze and met this boy named Parker. This was last night. And I got drunk…I don't know what it was…I told him to surprise me.

And, um, I…he asked what I did…and I told him I was a whore. He didn't believe me and I told him that for fifty dollars…" Buffy trailed off completely, unable to tell her mother this.

"You can tell me, sweetie," Joyce assured her, knowing that she didn't really want to hear it but that she probably had to.

"I…I told him that for fifty dollars I'd do what I did to Angel…" That was as much detail as she was giving. "And I started to…you know…but he was saying things and all I could think was that it wasn't me….I couldn't do it, mom. I just really couldn't. And, I…I stopped and he got really angry and…he tried to rape me mommy," Buffy started crying again, even as she tried to stop herself.

"I got out of there and I started running home but I'd gone the wrong way and I didn't have my shoes since I'd broken the heel off of one of them and thrown them away and…and I couldn't stop crying. All I could think was how I'd screwed it all up…I just kept thinking how it was all my fault.


Then when I finally got home, I took a shower—tried to get clean….but all I could do was remember everything that had happened with Angel and then that night with William…the one I can't tell you about…'Whore' had gone from this little word that I could use to make me feel bad about myself to being what I actually was.

And it was all my fault."

"You are not a whore, Buffy," Her mother insisted.

"But I was, mommy. I really was…I screwed up and I was. And I just grabbed that bottle as I got out of the shower and…I couldn't see a way of ever really being the good girl I used to be, again. I took them all because I thought that there was no way I could be….me again.

I didn't know how to get out of this huge mess I'd made of my life."

"But you called me sweetheart," Joyce reminded her.

"I know…I could feel the medicine starting to knock me out and then I saw that picture you put in my room…of me and William. And that was the first time I really let myself acknowledge that he did care about me…in general not just as someone to have sex with…and I knew that if he'd believed in me that much, then maybe there was a way to get it better.

So I called you."

"Buffy, I'm not going to lie, these were troubling things for me to hear and I'm going to have to really think about some of them…but," She continued when she noticed Buffy paling. "But, the point is that you did tell me and that I do know. And now we can work on this together. You're going to get better sweetheart…and I'll help you however you need."

"Thank you, mommy," Buffy leaned over and gave her mother a hug as best she could.

"Now, I'm going to go see how Rupert's doing. Why don't you try to get a little rest? We'll be just outside in the waiting room…I'm sure you can get one of the nurses to come get us if you need to. But for now, you really do need to get some rest sweetie. I love you," Joyce kissed her on the forehead. "I'll see you in a little while."

Buffy was left alone again and this time she felt both relieved for having told her mother the whole story, but also exhausted for the same reason.

But now that someone else knew, there was no hiding from it. She'd get herself back under control and then she'd go find William and apologize to him.

She wasn't delusional enough to believe they could actually start over, but she at least needed to try to get him to forgive her.



TBC.........

So I know that was a really long chapter--especially when you stick in my super long a/n, but I didn't want to break this one up-I wanted all of Buffy's explanation to fit in one chapter :) Hope you liked it...and can understand Buffy better now


And Im not starting it yet but if you're interested in being in my fic preview group, please email me (either through the 'contact' thing on my author page or at suzeefic@gmail.com) and let me know--also, let me know if you'd prefer an LJ community or a yahoo group :)

A/N: So I'm probably wrong about the hospital stuff..but just go with it for the story?




Chapter 37

"Joyce, dear," Rupert greeted her with her fourth warm cup of coffee; they'd been sitting in the waiting room for hours now just...waiting, "I've taken the liberty of asking them not allowing William to see Buffy; to keep him confined to this area."

"Why on Earth would you do that?" She was completely stunned. "He's flying out here specifically to see her and now you're what, not going to let him?" She hadn't expected this from her husband.

"Precisely," He started to explain his reasoning but his wife interrupted him.

"That's absurd, Rupert! The boy's flying out here to see her--in the middle of the night no less. You can't not let him see her...that's just...insane!"

"Joyce, love, you don't know the whole story--"

"Oh, I know the whole story; more of it than you know. So, if Buffy wishes to see William, then she'll see William. That's all there is to it."

"Well, if you know the whole story, then what, pray tell, was the reason William left?"

"Well Buffy wouldn't tell me that one exactly, said it was something she wanted to keep between the two of them, but--"

"So, see, you do not know what the circumstances were. For Lord knows what reason, your daughter is trying to protect my brother..."

"So now she's my daughter and all of the sudden, William is your brother? I seem to remember you being perfectly ready to choose Buffy over him just a few months ago."

"And who's to say I'm not now?"

"Seemingly you," Joyce told him.

"Well I'll have you know that I still am siding with Buffy--and trying to protect her. I could tell that something had happened between the two of them that day that you told me Buffy said William wouldn't answer her.

I tried speaking with him in my office--well, truth be told I tried speaking with both of them but William did everything in his power to keep her in the pool house. You two did have that lunch so I allowed her to stay and spoke with him privately.

I told him that I did not know all of what was going on but that I knew he was being inconsiderate of Buffy. I had told him how much she was like my daughter--was my daughter...and for him to just completely disregard that...

I told him that feelings needed to be taken into consideration, Buffy's feelings...and he jsut told me I was right and left my study.

And, as it turns out, left altogether. He doesn't care about the girl, Joyce. Can't you see that?"

"Actually, Rupert, I believe it was quite the other way around. Or at least that was what Buffy wanted William to believe."

"What are you talking about?"

"William cared a great deal for Buffy," Joyce stopped him when he attempted to interrupt. "I know you think you know all of it, but did you ever ask either of them what was happening? Or are you just basing this on your observations?" When he didn't answer, she continued, "That's what I thought. Now, I've just had a nice, long talk with Buffy and can safely say that I understand at least seventy percent of the situation. I say seventy because I'm only getting Buffy's side of things and she's holding a few things back by her own admission.

I don't know if she's comfortable with me sharing this with you--and maybe especially not now that you seem so intent on her being my daughter...Some things happened with Angel--"

"I told you he was no good for her!"

"Yes, and our forbidding her to see him is what might have started all of this. I can't help but wonder if she still would have gone to see him that night if we hadn't forbidden the relationship..."

"What night?"

"That's something that Buffy will have to tell you about. But what I do feel safe in telling you is that what happened that night really did ruin Buffy's self esteem. And let's jsut say that William wanted a relationship with her but Buffy didn't see herself as being worht it so she did everything in her power to get William to agree with her."

"I still think Buffy's somehow trying to protect him. I don't see any reason why he should be allowed to see her. He's only going to hurt her again.

He didn't object that day when I told him he needed to take Buffy's feelings into consideration.

"Actually, Rupes, you said 'feelings' needed to be taken into consideration; you never said you mean Buffy's. Probably did, but you never specified so I can safely say I never agreed with you about them being Buffy's feelings that needed to be worried about...was actually talking about mine."

"What are you doing here William?" Giles asked, all of the anger of the argument showing in his voice.

"Huh, thought Joyce--or your common sense--would have told you that one. I'm here to see Buffy."

"Like hell you are!"

"Boys, boys!" Joyce tried to stop them when she saw they were about to get into it. "Rupert, you knew William was coming. And you know that I think it's good for him to see Buffy--and since I know more of the situation, and she is--as you're so apt to point out--my daughter, what I say goes."

"Are you going to harp on that forever? I was just trying to prove a point; you know I think of Buffy as my daughter."

"I'm not changing my mind. And you," She turned to William, seeing that he thought he was getting off easy, "If you hurt my baby girl you had better fly yourself back to New York! I know more about what happened between the two of you than a mother would like to and I've seen how you look at her so I know you do care about her--"

"I promise I do," He vowed.

"I believe you. But I also believe that she did a great job of hurting you. So if for whatever reason you can't handle it...you'd best leave because I won't stand for anyone hurting my baby girl."

"And I won't," He promised and asked what room she was in so that he could go see her. So that he could final ease that fear he could feel in the pit of his stomach...the fear that refused to go away until he saw Buffy with his own two eyes; saw that she was okay.

TBC......Please review...pretty, pretty please :-)

Chapter 38

She was asleep when Spike actually made it back to her room. Buffy looked so peaceful, he thought...no way was he going to wake her. Besides, she could probably do with the rest after the night she had had.

But that didn't mean he was leaving.

Hospital chairs weren't known for their comfort but it was the best option he had at the moment because he wasn't sure enough of Buffy's feeling towards him to sit on the bed. Or, actually, he was sure enough of them not to do so.

After their last conversation, he imagined she hated him. But that was to be expected after what he had said to her. He just hoped it wasn't so bad that they couldn't move past it.

As luck would have it, as soon as he was finally managing to get relatively comfortable in the plastic chair--either that or when the lower half of his body was becoming numb, Buffy started to stir.

"Didn't know the drugs were this good," She was mumbling but it was clear enough that he understood her.

"What are you talking about, love?" He stayed in the chair, not sure if she wanted him closer to her or not.

"They said they might give me something to help me sleep but it must be stronger than I thought if it's making it look like you're here."

"I am here," he told her softly wondering what they would give someone who’d just almost overdosed on painkillers to help them sleep anyway.

"Yeah, sure," She laughed with as much energy as she could; with as much energy as she had. "You expect me to believe Spike's here? After all the shit I pulled? Come on, even my hallucinations can't be that stupid."

"While you did do a bang up job of...well, of acting like a bitch--"

"Oooh, now my head's insulting me too. Good job Buffy."

"You're not going to believe that it's really me, are you, pet?"

"Why should I? It's just me and my stupid brain punishing myself some more."

Okay, so what he did then was really stupid. The stupidest thing he could have done given the situation; possibly the stupidest thing he'd done in the past year--which given his year was really saying something--but he still did it.

He still did it because as stupid as it was, it was also right. Was right to kiss her.

What the hell was he doing? Buffy could handle this. Couldn’t deal with this!

This wasn't what was supposed to happen.

"What the hell are you doing?" She asked as soon as her mouth was free again.

"Showing you I'm real." It was the best he could come up with.

"You can't just...What, did you think you'd just show up here and we could go back to you fucking me?" He really did see her as a whore; and now that she was broken he was going to take full advantage.

"God, Buffy! What the hell is wrong with you? All I did was kiss you and you're back to your 'I'm a whore, fuck me now but then let me lay the guilt trip on once you actually do' routine. Do you just enjoy fucking with guys’ heads or do I get the honor all to myself?"

She didn't answer him at first, just huddled closer in on herself in her hospital bed; the machines continuing to beep around her.

"Are you always going to turn this around on me? I come here...God, I come here thinking that I can help you...Do you even know that's why I left?" He didn't give her the opportunity to answer, just continued his loud rant. "I thought, 'here's a girl that I'm in bloody love with; I can save her' but all I did was fuck you up more. That's why I left, dammit. Because I was hurting you. Don't you see that?"

A nurse came to the door but Buffy could tell that Spike was about to settle down and would hopefully be quiet from here on out so she just waved the woman away with a reassuring smile.

"And besides calling me a whore, just how were you hurting me?"

"I thought that I could show you, when we had sex, that I really did care for you...and I thought that night in the pool that I really was making progress, but...then..."

"Then I went and had my big 'fuck up' night," Buffy finished for him.

"I wasn't doing any good so I left."

"Good for you."

"No need to be snide, I'm trying to explain myself here and you're trying to make me think you're a bitch again.

"Well aren't I?"

"No."

Buffy didn't know what to say to that. How was he forgiving her before she forgave herself?

"Spike, you need to go back home."

"Yeah? Why is that?" It was the way he asked, like he wasn't really paying any mind to what she said, that annoyed her.

"Because I need to...I can't get things figured out if I'm constantly..." In truth she didn't know exactly why he couldn't be there. "Just because, okay? I need you to go home."

"Are you ever going to even pretend to acknowledge the fact that we could have had something if you weren't so scared?"

"God, Spike, you don't even know what was going on and you're...why are you so intent on telling me what I've done wrong when you don't even know the half of it?"

"It's not exactly like you're offering up information, pet. Only can know what you tell me."

"Well, I'm not telling you the rest so it looks like you don't get to know--"

"Come on, Buffy, please..."

"No!" She knew the yelling they were starting again would bring another nurse but didn't care. "Like you said, you being here was just fucking me up more. And hey, looks like I reached the edge of fucked up'edness. I mean, hello, tried to kill myself--can't get much worse than that."

Beneath all the anger he could still hear--and see--her pain.

"But that can be the worst of it; everything can get better from here on out."

"Exactly. And I need to do that with only people that are going to keep my best interests at heart and care about me, around."

He wanted to remind her that he loved her. But he knew what he had to say.

"Fine, Buffy, I'll go home."

"Thank you." And she tried not to let it bother her as he collected his bag and coat and left the room.

Even more than that though, Buffy tried to not think about what he had said. Or more specifically, one of the things he had said.

She'd glossed over it at the time, trying to pretend--to him and her--that it didn't matter to her, but she couldn't seem to get it out of her mind now. With only the silence to keep her company, the words played over and over in her mind.

...Girl that I'm in bloody love with; I can save her. He really did want to help her--or had wanted to at least. And In bloody love with....In bloody love with....love...with... Spike was in love with her. Well, when he had come to the house he had been; she couldn't imagine that he still felt the same after all that she had put him through.

It being her fault didn't make the pain any less real though, didn't mean it couldn't hurt. In fact, maybe it hurt all the more for it being her fault.

Spike had loved her and she'd ruined it all. Now he thought of her as a whore that he hated instead of as a girl that he loved.

If that right there wasn't incentive enough for her to change who she was--to get back to being who she had been--she didn't know what was.


TBC.........please review...that and don't kill me, please

Oh, and I'm setting the yahoo group up and will email everyone that emailled me, soon :)

Chapter 39

It had been three hours since she'd literally sent Spike away and Buffy was still physically restraining herself from asking her mother for his telephone number.

She wanted to call him and beg him to come back. To just be there with her. She hadn't been ready to admit it before but just having him around made her feel safe.

True she was terrified of how he made her feel and what she possibly made him feel but in terms of outside influences and third parties, she felt protected by him. It was the way you were about siblings, she decided, you could make fun of them all you wanted, but let someone else try it and...She could be scared of Spike all she wanted, but when something else was threatening her, she felt that he would be the one to keep her safe.

She knew that, as harsh as she had been with him, he probably would never wish to speak with her again. And, in a way, that was beyond fair; someone that had done everything she had done was not necessarily one to be forgiven. She knew all of that; knew that in her fear and confusion she had probably ruined any chances she and Spike had, but she couldn't think of a way she could have done it differently.

The fact remained that she had not been ready to deal with him yet. And then he'd kissed her and she'd been completely lost. In more ways than one.

A part of her--a large part of her--wanted to ask him to stay. Wanted to beg him to just lay there with her and hold her; keep her safe.

But that small part of her brain that was till capable of the rational thinking knew that if she kept him there they were dangerously close to getting back to how things had been. And that wouldn't do any of them any good. As much as she wanted Spike around, she couldn't have him around until she either had a better handle on herself or knew how better to handle herself around him. Whenever that ended up being.

But she still had to stop herself from asking for her mother to call him.

She tried to turn her attention to more important--or at least resolvable--matters for the time being; like what exactly it was that had made her make that decision to take all of those pills. Or, more importantly, why and how she was going to stop it from happening again.

She knew that, as screwed up as she was, she didn't want to die. Maybe her life wasn't going to turn out the way she'd dreamed when she'd played 'house' as a little girl, but it was her life. It was what she had made it and she had to deal with it. And maybe, just maybe, she could shape it into something a little more like what she truly wanted.

Now was probably as good a time as any, too, to be thinking about his since she was going to have to meet with one of the hospitals psychologists in the morning. She might as well have something to tell them.

She thought she actually had it pretty well figured out. Her father had left her mother, according to him, because she couldn't--and this had been his word--please him. Ever since she had heard that, she'd worried about how she was going to 'please' her husband to keep him from leaving her. She hadn't been able to just look at things and see how her mother hadn't done something right so she could only assume her father had meant sexually---and he had always used a tone that implied exactly that.

So, when Angel had said to her what he did, it hurt her, she guessed, because it hit on her deepest, most secret fear: her fear of her daughter losing her father because of something she, Buffy, wasn't able to do.

It seemed only logical, in the twisted mess that was her mind, to start the job. She'd been reading a magazine at the doctor's one day--she couldn't even remember the title--when she saw the ad. She'd seen those ads millions of times probably throughout her life but never before had she paid any attention to them. This time it was close enough after the whole 'Angel debacle' as she was calling it, that she ripped the page out of the magazine and took it home with her.

That initial phone call, to inquire about the job, had been absolutely never wracking--shw was sure that they'd somehow know that this wasn't who she was and turn her down on the spot. But they hadn't.

The other woman had thought Buffy perfect for the job and, after getting her information, gave her a number to call into every night, telling her they'd direct the calls through to her that way.

It was ten days before Buffy actually started, having taken that long for all the information to be confirmed and everything to be set up. The ten most anxious days of her life. She'd picked up the phone at least twenty times to call and quit but every time she did she'd remember how she'd felt when her parents divorced; she'd remember and she'd tell herself that this was how she was going to prevent her own child from going through that.

Those first few weeks had been hell. Buffy had stumbled over her words with each call and was sure that, because she didn't, that none of the men found any pleasure in the calls. She was sure she was making a fool of herself. It took one overly enthusiastic gentlemen to teach her the lesson that had kept her at the job.

Those phone calls weren't at all about her pleasure; no, they were about how well she could act. As long as she could give a convincing performance, the men wouldn't know any differently. Which, she figured, would actually serve her better in marriage than just knowing what to say.

And that was how things had gone until Spike called, until then she'd faked all the expected moans and sighs and said everything they wanted her to say–sure she had all the right props, but she never actuallyused them. Never had she gained any pleasure from doing so; in fact she was actually becoming more and more numb as the days passed. She was slowly killing who she was.

Until Spike had come along.

He'd cared. And not just about how well she got him off. No, he'd actually seemed to care about her. He'd also been the only one to know when and if she were faking it, which she found ironic since he was the only one she didn't fake it with.

Somehow, she could pretend during their calls that he wasn't only talking to her because she was the one he happened to end up on the line with. Pretended that he really did care. And some days she didn't even have to pretend. There were days when he would just talk to her. He seemed--better than anyone else in her life--able to tell when something was wrong with her.

If only he'd known just how wrong things were, she thought. Maybe then he wouldn't have bothered.

But he loves you, she reminded herself--at least he did. That's why he bothered.

Some days Buffy really could kill the voice in the back of her mind--and now that she got down to it, that was what she had been trying to do that night.

It was so much easier to be broken when all of you was in agreement about the actual being broken. But when that small little voice in the back of your mind objected? When it tried to tell you that you could fix it, fix you? Then it was too hard.

It hurt too much if you had any doubt; had any hope.

Maybe she'd only been trying to kill that little voice or maybe she was trying to kill all of it because she knew that the damn voice wasn't ever going to go away. Try as she might, Buffy couldn't seem to give up on herself. Not completely.

So maybe she really had been trying to kill herself or maybe, in a moment of extreme emotional upheavel, she'd thought it a good way of silencing the voice in the back of her mind.

Whatever the case was, she knew she wouldn't do it again. She'd stopped herself this time--or at least helped herself, because she saw that Spike really did care about her. Even if she wouldn't admit it ot him, she could see that. And just knowing that gave her the strength to hope that maybe, someday someone else could care about her too.

And she would be around to see that day.


TBC.........please review :)

Chapter 40

At seven am sharp the next morning, a nurse woke Buffy; which, given that she'd been up until the wee hours of the morning, really wasn't very fair.

"Aren't you all supposed to be helping me get better? And doesn't that involve some sleep?" She grumpily questioned the nurse currently taking her blood pressure.

"Sorry, sweetie," The middle aged woman told her kindly, "Have to take your vitals at shift change. Trust me, wouldn't mind too much myself if we started later, but that'd throw off the eleven o'clock people. It's early, yeah, but it stops us from keeping you up too late--normally.

Sorry they wouldn't let me check on you late today; doc's insisted you be first."

"Well aren't they generous," Buffy muttered, trying to get back to sleep now that the woman was done.

"They should be up here for you around ten--I'll try to let you get some sleep until then."

"Thank you," Buffy told her, realizing that the woman was trying her best to help.

"You're welcome. You try to rest up now."

But Buffy couldn't get back to sleep because after a few moments her dream from the night before began to come back to her.

And what was it with her and dreams anyway? Especially her and dreams involving Spike.

This one--that was actually not a dream but a horrible nightmare--hadn't had Spike actually in it, but she knew full well that it was that little voice--that seemed to be gathering strength by the day--trying to tell her something.

It was like walking through a tunnel...or how you always say people walking down hallways in bad horror movies. The walls seemed to bend and sway like the sea and a mirage of colors danced along the walls and floor. By the time Buffy had reached, what was apparently her destination, she was nearly nauseous just from the short walk.

All she wanted to do was sit down and she thought she'd received her wish when she saw a beautiful living room in front of her.

The room still seemed to be swaying so it took a bit of an effort for her to reach the wing chair in the corner of the room. But once she sat down, everything seemed to come into focus; the walls stopped moving, the colors evened out, and her attention was wholly focused on a scene across the room--something she hadn't noticed as she'd come in.

A part of her knew this was a dream, but she still couldn't stand to watch what was happening--but even as hard as she tried, she was unable to turn her attention away. There, at the edge of the room, a little girl was cowering back into the corner. She was a beautiful little girl Buffy thought; about seven or eight years old, shiny, straight brown hair falling nearly to her waist, with an adorable little blue summer dress on. Buffy couldn't see any more of what the girl looked like, but somehow she knew instinctively that it was her child, her daughter.

But that wasn't what made her so want to turn her attention away, made her want to get up out of the chair and rush across the room, that wasn't it at all.

The reason that the little girl, her daughter, was cowering in the corner was that a man, of about six feet, was towering over her, his hand poised to strike.

Buffy noticed the blood that seemed to appear out of nowhere on the girl's lip. Watching as the man swung his arm down and hit the girl across the face for what was obviously not the first time, Buffy felt physical pain at her inability to do anything to stop it. She tried to scream but it was as if no sound came out.

"Please, daddy! Don't hurt me," She could hear the little girl begging and as Buffy watched, bruises and cuts began to form in different places along her body; as if they were showing Buffy just how abused this little girl--her little girl--was.

"I don't think so," He teased, but with such hatred in his voice that Buffy literally shuddered. "This is what you get from me, baby. This is what you're always going to get."

"But you're my daddy!"

"And I'm a bad, bad," He accentuated each word with a slap to some place on her face, "Man who has no problem hurting his little girl."

"You don't love us?" She asked, the blood trailing down from where her forehead had somehow been cut--leaving her to rapidly blink away both the tears and the blood.

"Not at all. But don't worry, you mom's a good fuck so I won't be leaving you two any time soon." He picked the girl up by her arms and turned with her, somehow getting her to face Buffy as he held her roughly by the arms, her little feet dangling off the floor. "Isn't that Mommy," the word was said in such a mocking tone Buffy cried anew, "You didn't think you deserved any better than me, did you? Thought I was the best you coudl do. But the jokes on you, honey because I ain't never gonn' let you go. Never."

Even as Buffy woke fully and saw the nurse coming into the room, her little girl's cries still echoed in her ears.

By the time ten o'clock rolled around Buffy's tears had almost dried and she knew exactly what it was she wanted to talk to the psychologist about.


TBC………


Okay, so I know I’m driving half of you crazy and making the other half not so happy with Buffy (and quite possible me) but all of this does need to happen so that Buffy doesn’t go back to where she was…Just hang with me a little while longer.

And to everyone who hasn’t given up on this story: THANK YOU. I’m not entirely sure I would have read a story that was this angsty and had Spike and Buffy apart for so long while it was a WIP but you all are, so thank you so, so much for that

Chapter 41

"I just want to know one thing," Buffy said as soon as she was seated in the office.

"Why don't you tell me about it and I'll see what I can do?"

"If I agree to stay here for a few more days, can I say I'm only staying for two more days and then going home? Or is it a thing where once I say I'm staying it's up to you all when I leave?"

"That depends. Usually if you agree to stay on, insurance will only pay if you check out when we suggest..."

"But?" Buffy questioned.

"You seem, from the short talk we've already had to be doing very well and I'd hate to force you to go home now just because I don't answer your question how you'd like."

"So I can stay for two more days and then go home? And the insurance will pay?"

"Yes, Buffy; that can be arranged."

"Thank you," she said sweetly, tucking herself comfortably into the plush sofa. "Now here's what I want you to help me figure out."

"Go on..."

"I pushed Spike--William, away because I thought I was too screwed up and not good enough for him. And in a sense I think that's still true."

"I don't mean to interrupt, but why?" The doctor questioned.

"He's older for one and he's got his life all figured out--got himself all figured out. He has a job he loves, he...he needs someone who knows who she is, not someone like me who's running in a million different directions just trying to figure her own self out."

"Have you ever asked him if that's what he wants?"

"No...I never really gave him much of a chance. I mean, he did say he wanted me, but..."

"But?"

"I was trying then, well up until about, oh yesterday," She joked flatly, "to convince myself he only wanted to have sex with me; that he didn't really care about me."

"And now? Do you see things differently now?"

"Well, see, I had this...dream last night. More of a nightmare actually."

When Buffy didn't say anything, the doctor pushed her to continue.

"Can I just tell you that it showed me that I need to stop being so mean to myself and realise that pushing all the good guys away and focusing on knowing how to have sex....that alll that's going to get me is literally a hell of a lfe?"

"It might help if you told me exactly what the dream was so that we could perhaps see if there's some hidden meanings. Something that will come back to you later and cause you pain."

"Okay," Buffy said, still uneasy with reliving the dream. "I was in this house...I guess it was my house. After I walked down the hallway, I ended up in this...sitting room I guess, all formal looking and everything.

I sat down in this chair and after I was there it was like I couldn't move. I saw this little girl across the room--and she was so beautiful. I felt like I needed to go over to her--or call her over to me but I couldn't say anything and I couldn't move.

I knew she was my little girl...and that she was in danger; but I couldn't do anything!" Buffy didn't notice the tears that had started to silently stream down her face, or if she did she paid them no head. "Then all of a sudden, or so it seemed, there was this man...this huge man standing there in front of her...but not in front of me, you know? Like in front of her but I could still see everything that was going on...He...He...it was...God, it was horrible. He was hitting her and she was crying and there was this...there was blood and he still just hit her. And in the way that even horrible people shouldn't even dream of hitting a child...he hit her so hard and she was so tiny!"

Buffy stopped for several minutes, drawing in deep breaths as her tears made it hard to continue on talking.

She did pull it together to finish though, "And then she asked him...she asked him why he was doing it...and didn't he love her. He told her something about 'of course' he didnt' love her...or me. And that it was fun hurting her or something. God, he was a monster. And then…he told her something about 'at least your mom's a good fuck' and then," Buffy was too far into her story to care about the language she was using, "And then he turned and it was like he said it all to me...he said that I had such low self esteem that I didn't think I could do any better and so that's why I'd married him and....it was all my fault. He said he was never leaving and I put my little girl in that kind of pain and danger just because I'm so bloody fucked up!"

Buffy didn't notice her word choice until the therapist called her on it, "Bloody?"

"Oh," She blushed, "I guess I picked that up from Giles....well, probably Spike."

"Yeah...he's my big screw up in life." Buffy saw the reaction that the doctor couldn't hide fast enough. "Yeah, I know,” She said knowingly, "I'm out there basically on a self destruct mission, whoring myself out one night--almost getting raped, trying to kill myself and I call that my big screw up...But it's true. That's what I regret the most.

Maybe it's because that hurt him and me and the rest just hurt me...and my parents, I know....but...I was a complete bitch to him. And he's actually what my dream had to do with."

"He was the man in your dream?" The therapist asked when Buffy didn’t make any move to continue.

"No!" Buffy hastened to assure her. "Spike's...well he's pretty much the antithesis of the man in my dream. He's the one that was trying--so, so hard--to show me that I was worth it. He loved me and tried to show me that...tried to get me to see that I wasn't as horrible as I was so convinced I was. He did all of that and all I did was try to bring him down with me."

"Did you think he was too good for you?"

"I think so...but at the same time I convinced myself that he only did want sex from me. I think it was easier for me if I thought of it that way; that way thinking about all these feelings I was denying wouldn't hurt so much...or something."

"Did it work?"

"Not at all. I managed to both drive him away--probably hates me now--and almost get myself killed."

"Yes, but now you know what you need to change about your life."

"That's um...you can't tell anyone what I tell you right?"

"Everything stays between you and me."

"Then...Can you tell me why, despite all of my horribleness and how I know where near deserve...why do I still want him?"

"Spike?"

"Yeah, why do I still want Spike? Want him loving me?"


TBC............





A/N: Okay, so I was going to thank every single person that's reviewed this story, but hen I realised that would be a lot of people..and do I thank the people that got mad at me and quit reading or no? so I did this instead:

It's only for people reviewing (or I guess reading) and not reviewing) this fic :-) I might post it at Redglittershoes but we'll see )btw, it's highly likely I spelled something wrong on the wp..if I did: I'm sorry))



yeah, I fixed the rating back to NC-17 as it is for all my chapters..sorry for messing that up..and hey, I give you people a present and you quit reviewing? that's not very nice ;-) ignore that..it was because the site was screwing up

**Make sure you read Chapter 41**



Chapter 42

Buffy was home.

And God did it feel good. True, she's only been in the hospital for a few short days but it already felt stifling. She just wanted to get out of there; she wanted to get home and back to her life. Or, rather, get to rebuilding her life. How it was before certainly wasn't going to cut it now and she knew that. But there was no other way to get things put together than to just do it. And she couldn't do much while in the hospital.

Her house looked lonely though...She still missed having Spike in it. But she'd just have to....or did she? Really?

Before she could do more than walk in the front door, she turned and went across the lawn to her parent’s house. Despite the fact that she'd wanted to get home to get away from all of the people in the hospital, she couldn't see being alone just now. At least not yet.

"Mom!" She yelled as she came in through the back door. "Giles! Are you guys still here? I thought maybe I could hang out here for a little while; go home in a few hours or something," By the end she was muttering to herself as she walked through the house looking for them.

Buffy made her way quietly up the stairs, figuring that since she'd really just barged in, the least she could do was be quiet until she found out if they wanted her around at the moment or not. Passing her old bedroom brought a flood of memories. She could remember all of the carefree times talking on the phone with Sasha; discussing her latest 'catastrophe' at school and what she and Angel were doing. She also remembered her mother coming into her room that night, after her birthday, to thank her for listening to them about Angel. Joyce has said how she knew it must not have been easy for Buffy to just give up her boyfriend but she respected her daughter for trusting them and doing what was right.

If Buffy hadn't been feeling so broken and crushed that night--hadn't been trying so hard to figure out just what, what Angel had said meant, she might have cracked then and there and told her mother everything. As it was, it had been torture to sit there and listen to her mother tell her how proud she was of her for not doing something that Buffy had actually done.

Buffy sat down heavily on her bed as she all of her happy high school memories assaulted her all at once. She could remember lying crosswise on the bed, the phone pressed against her ear as she had those talks with Katey or Sasha--but more so she could remember how after everything with Angel she had tried so hard to keep the facade up. Could remember how she had thought that if she could just pretend hard enough, well enough then maybe it really would get better.

But eventually even the airheads she'd hung out with started to notice a change in her. By the end of her junior year they were all drifting apart--or at least she and the rest of them were; everyone else was as close as ever. That summer had been horrible for Buffy--at first. For once in her life there weren't ten million people around her every hour of every day. But as it moved towards August she started to adapt, started to get used to it.

Which was good since, when school started up later that month, she'd been all but abandoned by her former group of friends. Buffy figured she should have seen it coming; she's hardly seen them all summer after all. But it had still stung.

For a few weeks. Until she was able to numb herself to it. And ever since then she'd slowly become the Buffy that she was up until just a few days before. She had lost her interest in school. her grades fell and she put off attending university. She quit cheerleading, didn't do any extra curriculars. All in all Buffy withdrew from life and become a completely different person from who she'd been her whole life.

And now she was about to do it all over again--change who she was. Because it was a complete change from who she had been being but it also wasn't quite who she had been years ago. She...she was older and wiser now and was a different person. She just had to be a good different person.

Done with the memories at least for the time being, Buffy walked quietly towards her mother and Giles' bedroom. As she got close she could hear their muffled voices--possibly arguing--and knew she should just get back to her own house. Their door was closed and they were talking, she didn't need too many more signs to know she needed mind her own business. It wasn't hard to get down the stairs quietly--she'd learned long ago how to sneak out without making a sound--and soon Buffy was on her way back across the lawn.


Yeah, so hiding in the bathroom wasn't the most manly thing to do but Spike wasn't quite ready to leave it or the safe haven it provided just yet. He was well and truly scared of facing the woman that would surely be waiting on the other side. The last time he had seen her he'd done a right job of being a prick and pissing her off. And now he was here to work his way back in...he was scared.

But it was time, as they said for whatever reason, to face the music. Why did they say that actually? It wasn't like music was--Spike stopped himself when he realized he was stalling again.

Who knew a girl could be so terrifying?

He took one last steadying breath, switched the lock on the door and drew it open as slowly and quietly as he possibly could, listening for any noises as he stepped out into the main room.

He was home and it was time to stop running.


TBC........soon, I promise

Chapter 43

Buffy hoped that she could get over the 'being alone is depressing' feeling she seemed to be experiencing because it seemed like she was going to be alone for quite a while. Maybe she could distract herself by watching a movie; that always seemed to be something that could both capture her attention completely and pass the time.

Maybe one of the premium channels would have something good on...or she did have her collection of DVDs in--

There were boxes in her apartment. Boxes that she somehow hadn't noticed during her last short jaunt into the house. Where did they--

Now, Buffy had never fainted before in her life but she felt pretty damn close to doing so right now.

"Spike?"

* * *

"Hello, Joyce; Rupes. Nice to see you both," William had hoped that they would be off getting a drink or something to eat in the cafeteria when he came back out, but no suck luck.

"You must have caught the first flight out," Joyce remarked—talking to him about the things ahe hadn’t gotten a chance to bring up before, "to have gotten here so soon." She fixed her husband with a pointed look after she finished, wanting him to know that William had obviously tried very hard to be there as quickly as possible; even from across the country.

"I'm sure it was just a case of the ticket being available; am I right, William?" Giles was not yet ready to agree with his wife or to concede his point.

"Actually, I had to get on standby to get out of there in a reasonable amount of time. Think they took pity on me and helped get me on tat first flight," He studiously avoided--and would continue to avoid--any talk of just what he'd told them to garner that pity.

"They just took pity on you?"

"The look?" He motioned to his still disheveled appearance, "It isn't from flying. And I told them that my girl was in the hospital and I didn't know how serious it was and needed to get out here. So, pathetic looking guy with a good reason for needing to get on the flight..."

"Buffy is not your anything," Rupert grit out.

"She's mine to protect." Mine to love.

"Well you've done a bang up job of that so far haven't you?" Rupert said with false niceness. "Do you realize where you are? Why we're all here? The girl tried to kill herself!"

"Which is why I'm back," Spike said using the same tone as his half-brother. "And why I'm not leaving this time."

"The bloody nerve--You will leave when we tell you to leave. It is our house and she is our daughter!"

"Rupert, won't you give him a chance to explain? I'm sure William has a very good reason for why he left. Don't you William?" She asked pointedly.

"I do," He answered. "I, pardon my language, but: I fucked up."

"Please!" Giles scoffed.

"I did. I thought that I could help Buffy, get everything all find and dandy if I just tried hard enough. But the girl's more stubborn than any woman I've ever met before and I didn't...for every bit I pushed she pushed back twice as hard. I thought I was doing more harm than good by being there; and so I left. Ran away. At the time, I thought it was what was best, thought it was what I needed to do. To help her.

But now I see...I'm back and I'm not leaving until she's the bright, happy woman I know she can be and asks me to leave. I'm only leaving when Buffy's whole again. And if she wants me to leave."

"And just where are you planning on staying while you do this 'staying'?"

"Well actually I was thinking--"

"I can't bloody believe you! You expect us to just welcome you back into our home after you nearly get our daughter killed!"

"For God's sakes, Rupes; you're acting like I took her to some dangerous part of town and left her to the wolves. There wasn't anything that concrete, that tangible. Who’s to say if I'd stayed she wouldn't have done it anyway--maybe even done it better or sooner."

"Better?! So you think her dying would have been better?"

Spike tried to ignore the question directed at him, knowing he needed to be angry with someone--at least for a while longer. But he, Spike, also knew that he needed to get this talk done; he knew he needed to figure out if they were going to let him live in the pool house again of if he needed to find somewhere else to live.

"Joyce? Could I speak with you for a moment?"

"She's right here--just talk to her," Giles wasn't done yet.

"Yes, of course," Joyce said sweetly, "Let's go sit over there." She led William to a set of chairs across the room, giving her husband a glare when he started to follow. "This is private, Rupert. You don't seem able to carry on a conversation without accusing and yelling so William and I are going to talk privately for a minute. Do not join us."

Any other day he would have been concerned with the amount of tension his presence was causing between the couple, but today his focus was wholly on Buffy and her well-being; and what he thought would be a necessary part of that.

"Joyce, I know you must hate me right now; I hate me right now. But...I can't leave her again. I was weak before and it's my fault she's here now that she..." The emotion he'd been able to control up until now seemed to be breaking out and William started to cry, "That she tried to...God, she tried to kill herself and it's all my fault--"

"No, William," Joyce assured him, patting his hand with her own, hoping to comfort him.

"But you don't know what I did," He objected.

"I know more than you probably think I do--more than maybe you do. Buffy told me most of what happened between you two...and some of her reasons for what she did. It's not your fault."

"You're not going to convince me that it's not. I failed her--I left when she needed me and I failed her."

"William, what's done is done. And Buffy is going to be okay. If you're as intent on helping her as I think you are...You're not going to be much help to her if you're constantly blaming yourself. If you want to help her...It's not your fault."

"I shouldn't have left. I--"

"William? Why did you leave?"

"Because I thought I was hurting her more than I was helping her."

"Do you still believe that?"

"I don't know...I don't see what I could have done differently then but...I should have known what to do."

"None of us did. None of us have all the answers. You're back now and that's what's important. If you care for my daughter--"

"I love her."

"--I'll back you one hundred percent on your wish to be with her again. I think you can help her...and, though I hate to admit it, I think you can help her more than either Rupert or I can."

"Even if I ask to move back into the pool house?"

"Especially that."

"Rupert, it is my home as well and while I may not have as much money as you, I have enough. If you do not go along with this," Giles hadn't agreed at all when Joyce had come back telling him William was moving back in, "I will move out. I will find somewhere for us to live--a house where I can still be close to my baby girl, an apartment...something. William is going to live wherever Buffy lives and I am going to be very near wherever that is, right now. If you don’t agree, well then you can most certainly live by yourself. You will not make me choose between our marriage and my daughter's well being. She’s been mine for twenty years and she'll be mine until the day I die. Don't make me choose, I'm not sure you'll like my choice."

"Well, William," He still sounded just as angry as he had moments ago, "it doesn’t seem as if I'm being given much of a choice--"

"Don’t do that. Don't try to make him feel guilty—“

"It's alright, Joyce. I know what I'm doing is right and if he doesn't see it as that...as long as he doesn't interfere he can say whatever he wants."

"I hope you understand just how much I am regretting opening my home to you." Giles had left then, telling his wife that he needed to be away for a while and to call him if anything happened with Buffy or if Buffy needed him.

"I'm sorry William. He really doesn't mean most of this. He's upset about Buffy...actually, he's scared and when he's scared and feels powerless like this he tends to lash out. It hasn't been this bad before though, so I'm sorry."

"Well the situation hasn't been as bad either, I reckon. As long as he doesn't do something like shoot me in my sleep I'm sure I can deal with it just fine."

"No! He won't do that," She promised. "He just needs some time."

"You're really alright with me moving back in to the pool house?"

"I think it's just what Buffy needs."


TBC.........







I want to thank the person who added me as one of their favorite authors...I'm really stupid and know it's one of two people, but i'm not sure so that's the only reason I'm not thanking you by name..THANK YOU though

Chapter 44

"Spike?"

"Hey there," Spike said in a calming voice as he rushed to her side. She looked more than a little unsteady on her feet so Spike carefully put an arm around her and led her the few short feet over to the sofa and helped her to sit down. "You're shaking, pet," He observed, more for himself than for her as she didn't seem to be listening much.

"Buffy?" He asked after a few minutes of silence. "You okay, kitten?"

"I...uh...You're here," She said simply, finally.

"That I am, luv. That I am."

"Why?" She asked then, but interrupted before he started to explain, "I mean you said you were going home. Remember that nice big argument we had?"

"Yeah; remember you ordering me home, too."

"So you just pretended to agree with me?" Why, why was she sounding angry? She really didn't think she was.

"Wasn't pretending at all, sweetheart. You were right; I did need to go home."

"So you what, are just here for the day? Or did you already go home for a while and now you're back?" She needed to know what sort of arrangement this was so she'd know how much time she had to brace herself for his leaving again.

"Not really either of those options...or if you wanted to twist around a bit I guess you could say the second one, but--"

"Spike, just tell me how long you're here for."

"I'm staying."

"Right, but for how long?"

"That's it--I'm staying. I'm here and I'm staying."

"Why won't you just answer the question?" Buffy was really getting frustrated with him but behind it he could hear a touch of pain.

"Because I'm scared to death you'll laugh in my face or hate me or....kick me out."

"And why does the kicking you out option seem to bother you more than me hating you?" Buffy was genuinely curious.

"You hating me would break my heart, luv. But I'm terrified of you kicking me out of your life; of you not letting me help you."

"Spike...would you just tell me whatever it is you're trying to tell me? All this vagueness and alluding is starting to confuse me."

Spike sat on the sofa for another full minute before he got up and started pacing the room, still not answering her. "God, I come in here knowing exactly what i want to say to you and then the second I see you it's like it all just flies right out of my head. Why is that? Why, Buffy, do you seem to be the one person capable of shooting all my plans to hell?"

"Spike," Buffy leaned over the edge of the sofa, reaching out to capture his wrist with her hand.

Spike looked down at her fingers encircling his wrist and his whole body seemed to just...sag.

"I'm so sorry, Buffy," He murmured, not moving or making a move to look at her.

"Spike," Buffy pulled lightly on his wrist. "come sit with me okay? I'm guessing we need to talk about some stuff and I can't do that with you standing over there not looking at me." He sat down next to her but he didn't look at her. "Now, three things: Why are you sorry; how long are you here for; and why are you back in the first place?..I mean, why did you come back?"

"Why am I here?" He asked it as if the question were so absurd he couldn't even answer it. "Why do you think I'm here? Do you think I--well after the way I left maybe that's a stupid assumption. Your mum called me, sweets. Told me what had happened and I came because I had to. I know with all of the stuff I said when I left...I didn’t mean that stuff, Buffy. Really I didn't."

"Would have made sense if you did; most if not all of it was true."

"No! Don't let yourself believe that. Please don't, luv; I couldn't stand it. Rupes talked to me that day, remember?" She nodded. "He lectured me on how you were his daughter and I was only this far away from being a complete strange....Told me that 'feelings needed to be taken into consideration'," He imitated Giles' accent. "I...I snapped then, it was after...and I just couldn't take it I guess. Told him I'd leave and...I wanted you to still be off with your mum. Knew if you were that you could blame me leaving on me, make it all my fault. But you...you were there, luv and...I was just so angry and so...hurt and I said all the things that I was...they weren't true."

"Yes they were, Spike. You were trying to show me that you cared about me and I was....I was doing all that stupid shit. Because of stuff in my past I was trying to convince both you and me that it wasn't worth it—that I wasn't worth it. And after that night...after that night anything you wanted to say to me would have been more than deserved."

"There was no excuse for what I said…just look where it got you."

"Spike?"

"Yes?"

"Look at me and listen: It. Is. Not. Your. Fault."

"But I--"

"No, I was fucked up," She smiled as she said it, though she was being serious. "I really, really was and I let...You tried, you tried so hard and every time you started to convince me I'd push back three times as hard. Not much of what happened in those few weeks was right....because I wouldn't let it be."

"You're not going to convince me that this wasn't my fault."

"Spike, I...I am the one that took those pills and I'm the one that did everything that led me to that decision."

"I didn’t stop you though."

"I'm not sure I could be stopped."

"But if I hadn't even shown up--"

"Spike? I dated a guy, wouldn't have sex with him and got called a whore and a tease. I got myself so convinced that I was a whore--don't you dare think it's because of what you said; that might have factored in there but even without that I still would have...I did such a good job of convincing myself that I was a whore that I tried to sleep with a girl and ended up doing what everyone seemed to think I was."

"What do you mean?" He wasn't sure he wanted to hear the answer but he didn't see them moving on without him hearing it.

"I found a guy, danced with him; told him I was a whore and offered to blow him for fifty bucks."

"And....And did you?" He really didn't want to hear that answer.

"For a minute. I started and--" She wasn't surprised when he jumped up from the sofa upon hearing her confession but she was surprised when he ran from the room and she could hear him vomiting in the bathroom.

She was fully crying by the time she reached the bathroom door. "So is it that I just disgust you that much now? Or....?"



TBC.......



well, uh, at least I got them back in the same room and talking?

And guess what....I might actually finish a story after this one...I've actually ben writing...the world's een trying to stop me (one person needing my computer b/c theirs broke, going to the doctor for my toe, other person needing it for homework, first person needing it some more...) but I have been writing something :)

Chapter 44 Part II


Spike was leaning against the tub as he sat on the floor; copying her earlier action he pulled her down to the floor with him. Buffy struggled at first as he pulled her into his arms, but stopped as she felt his tears wetting her hair.

"So sorry. I was weak and I fucked up and...I'm just so sorry, luv." He continued to murmur unintelligible apologies into her hair.

"So I don't..."

"Disgust me? God no, luv, not at all. I'm just sorry that...I know you said it's not my fault but it at least partially is. I didn't know what to do and I left because I thought it was best...I should have stayed....I should have known what to do. I understand if you don't ever want to see me again."

"Spike? I don't think I'm going to be convincing you it's not your fault any time soon but will you at least believe that I don't blame you? For any of it?"

"I guess I can believe that."

"Will you...Can I tell you what happened? Both before all of this and…and the other night?"

"You can tell me anything," Neither even thought of getting up off the bathroom floor, both just happy to allowed the comfort of the other's embrace.

"A couple of years I started dating this guy...Angel was what he had everyone call him. He was a couple years older but I didn't care; that didn't matter to me. He was my first real boyfriend and I was...I was one of the popular girls and it made me so much cooler to everyone that I had this older boyfriend. Mom and Giles really didn't like it when they found out...and looking back I can see why," Spike tried to ignore that he was years older than her that that bloke could have possibly have been. "When you're fifteen, basically dating this college guy...fifteen year olds don't know enough about...the world to handle that. At least I didn't.

So, yeah, mom and Giles didn't like him. And after a while when they saw that it was more than...when they thought it was starting to get serious they asked me to stop seeing him. I yelled at them--and boy do I mean yelled, I was so nasty to them that night. I'm sure I did the normal teenage angst stuff and told them I hated them and that they were ruining my life...but at the end of it I told them I would. And I kind of did. But on my sixteenth birthday...I snuck out of the house and went to see Angel.

I thought I could prove everyone wrong and show them all that I was old enough; that I was grown up." William really did not like the direction the story was going--he could only guess what Buffy was about to tell him. "I went to see Angel and...I had the intention of having sex with him but then...when things started to get all hot and heavy I got scared. So, I thought if I just gave myself some time to calm down it would be okay.

I, uh..." God, she hadn't ever said blow job this many times in her life before--combined! Buffy decided to take a different approach. "I decided that oral sex wasn't really sex, so I..." She left it up to him to get what she was talking about.

"But I didn't really know what I was doing and when he...I wasn't expecting it--hadn't really thought that part through and I didn't know what to do. So I ran into the bathroom and spit it out in the sink…He looked so disappointed in me when I came back in the room. He told me…he ended up telling me that I ‘sucked cock worse than a five dollar whore’,” She quoted and felt Spike stiffening.

“And you still slept with him?” Despite the question, his tone let her know he was just asking, not judging—at least not much.

“He told me…he told me that some girls just didn’t know what they were doing. I thought that, well that I really had done it badly so…I felt like I had to make it up to him. So, yeah, I slept with him. One of the worst experiences of my life really. After…he just said he had someone to meet and he left. I asked him as he was leaving—I asked him if I’d been any good…you know because I was nervous and wanted to make sure that I had at least…he pretty much told me that I really hadn’t been and said something like ‘let’s not do this again’.

“I…God, I was fifteen and hadn’t even dated before so I believed him and…my dad, when he left, pretty much said it was because my mother couldn’t please him…I know it’s screwed up to be more affected by what he said after…than everything that happened with us actually having sex but I think that by the time we actually had sex I was just so…detached that that’s not what really got to me.

“My daddy left because—according to him—my mom wasn’t sexually good enough and…it hurt so much having him leave us that I knew I couldn’t do that to my own child if there were any way of preventing it. So that’s why I go the damn job. I thought that I could ‘learn’ how to be better.”

“This might not be appropriate for the moment, but: you don’t need to ‘learn’ anything Buffy. You’re bloody perfect; the best.”

“Really?” She couldn’t help but ask.

“Really.”

Buffy continued, a smile on her face, “I was so sure after…I wanted to believe that you only wanted sex from me because it was so much easier that way. Because…you scare me William. No man has ever even pretended to care about me as much as you do.”

“Not pretending.”

“I’m starting to see that. Well, you know everything that happened with you…obviously. And that I dated Riley and tried to get Faith to sleep with me. And I told you some of what was with Parker and…Are you sure you want to hear the rest?”

“If you want to tell me, then I want to hear it.”

“After I…I started to—to do it, but…I couldn’t. It was like all of a sudden I realized just what I was doing and I just couldn’t…I couldn’t do it.

”Parker wasn’t too fond of that decision though…he told me that I couldn’t just change my mind like that and that he was…going to get what he paid for. I tried to get away from him, I was on the floor and I tried to push away from him but he…he got on top of me and…” Buffy was stuttering more and more the more she got into the story, the memories still brilliant and clear in her mind. “He held me down and he pulled at my skirt and my underwear and…” Spike tightened his hold on her unconsciously, “I was so scared, but I…I got one of my hands free and…I got him off of me and I…I ran out of there and…God, I broke my shoe,” She laughed but it was nervous laughter more than anything. “And I was trying to walk home but I was walking for ten minutes before I realized I was going to wrong way…Eventually I got home and…I decided to take a shower—I thought maybe it could get me clean again. But all I could do was think of what had happened with Angel, and then how I’d let you down…but mostly Angel and Riley and Parker and….I realized just how screwed up I was. And I got scared, I was scared I wouldn’t be able to make it better; make me better.

“I thought that—I guess I thought that I was so far gone that nothing could…fix me.”

“But you called your mum, yeah? You didn’t give in completely, luv.”

“Yeah…I, well there’s this picture in my room that Mom put there. When we were having lunch or something and…you’re looking at me in that picture like you really care and I…I thought that, well, that if you could care about me even then…could look at me, like that. Then maybe…just maybe I wasn’t broken beyond repair.”

“Oh, luv, you’re not broken. You’re not.”

“I certainly feel like it,” the single statement caused her tears to increase.

“I promise you’re not. And if you really feel like you are? Then we’ll just work together to get you back to…We’re going to get you happy again, Buffy.”

“Yeah, but…”

“But what?”

“But how can we work together on anything when you’re going to be all the way in New York?”

“I’m not going back, kitten.”

“What do you mean?”

“I’m staying here with you. I’m not leaving you this time. We’re in this together, yeah?”

“You’re really going to do that? Even after…Even after all of the things I did to you, you’re still going to stay around and…you’re still going to see me sometimes?”

“More than just sometimes,” he could tell she wondered what that meant. “I’m staying here again.”

“Here here?” Buffy questioned.

“Hope that’s alright with you because I don’t see me leaving either way. You’re a good girl Buffy—a good woman and…I couldn’t live with it if I just left you all alone again.”

“You don’t have to stay here out of some sense of obligation, Spike. I’m seeing that therapist at least once a week, I’ve got my mom and Giles…and I know that I don’t want to be what I was. You don’t have to stay.”

“Yes I do. And I need to because I need to see you safe. Nothing about obligation, not really. More I can’t get my mind off of you for two bloody seconds—even when I’m two thousand miles away…And after this…Just consider it me being selfish.”

“You being selfish?” Buffy asked and he could tell she found it funny.

“Well, yeah. I’ll be worrying all over myself if I’m back in New York or wherever. It’s really just to keep me from wondering how you’re doing. See? Completely selfish.”

“Sure,” Buffy joked, knowing that he was only trying to make her not feel like she was holding him there out of some sort of guilt on his part.

“What’s say we go find somewhere more comfortable to sit? I’m an old man you know and this isn’t good for my back,” Spike wanted to keep the tone light; lighter than it ever really had been before. This time there wasn’t an undercurrent of…whatever it had been before, there.

“Come on you dork. We’ll go sit on the sofa again.”

“Oi! I am not a dork! I’m old, but not a dork.”

“So you’d rather me think of you as some old geezer than a dork?” Buffy turned around to look at him as they left the bathroom, him slightly behind her.

“Well when you put it that way,” Spike trailed off.

“Thought so. Now come on, dork.”

He didn’t care if she was laughing at him. Buffy was laughing again and that single fact eclipsed any possible sense of embarrassment he could have felt.

“Spike?” Buffy asked as soon as they were both sitting on the sofa, her head resting on his shoulder as her ran his fingers idly through her hair.

“Hmm?”

“Is it okay if…I don’t think I’m ready for us to really start anything yet. But I do want you to…Can we just be friends for a while maybe?”

“Friends is good. Maybe go about things the way we should have to start with?” He asked, knowing how she was feeling.

“Yeah, Buffy agreed, “that would be nice.”

“Buffy? Don’t hate me for asking this, but…you’re not still working are you?”

“Nope. That job can officially be listed under ‘former employment’. Although,” she said after a moment of thought, “I don’t really think I ever will…I mean, not exactly the impression I want to be giving off, you know?”

“I know. Just one more question.”

”Okay, question boy,” Buffy liked this feeling…this feeling of just…being.

“Rupes doesn’t have any guns does he?”

Buffy’s only answer was to start laughing.

“Hey! I have a reason for wanting to know….So, does he?” He asked when she finally stopped laughing.



A/N: Oh ye of little faith in Spike ;) And there is possibly a tropical storm heading this way so if I don’t update on Saturday, that will be why. Also, anyone want to remind me next update about Love’s Last Glimpse Awards nominations are open (think it starts Thur)? I need to get back to nominating people and I forget too often ;)


and, Im_bloody_English, you should email me so I can tell you my LJ (I'd do it through LJ but my DSL is dying or something and won't currently go to LJ)...oh, probabl giving you my email'd help huh? suzeefic@gmail.com


I was so stuck on trying to just get my DSL to let me get this chapter up earlier (turns out we needed a new jack or some such) that I forgot to give the link to the super wonderful sexy Spike pic that Edgehead made after reading this fic...she made it ages ago and I just never was a good little girl and showed it to you all...it's inspired by his job...which you'd better all remembber ;) clicky here

Chapter 45

Spike’s boxes all arrived the following day and he was finally fully living with her. Even more so than he had been the first go round. They both liked the way it felt.

There wasn’t anything sexual going on this time either, but both liked it better. There also wasn’t the feeling there that something did need to happen—which Buffy was grateful for. She had been afraid that her wanting Spike would lead to problems with them being ‘just friends’ but so far it seemed to be working out very well.


It was now well into the second month since Buffy had gotten home and she had finally worked up the courage to ask Spike—or William as she had started calling him every once in a while—the question she’d been trying to ask for a month or more.

“Spike, could you come to the doctor with me today?” It was easier to call it ‘the doctor’ than ‘therapy’.

Spike had been trying very hard not to ask her too much about her sessions with the psychologist despite his extreme interest; maybe he hadn’t hidden his curiosity well enough.

“That’s something private for you; I wouldn’t want to intrude, luv. Besides, I am sure there is a lot to do here.”

“Spike? I’m not really asking for your benefit. I want you to go but I don’t want to make you go so I’m asking. If you don’t want to go, then that’s okay, stay here. But if you do,” She explained, “Don’t say you don’t just to seem…proper or whatever.”

“In that case I would very much like to go.”

“See, Spike? You have to be honest with me. If I didn’t want you going I wouldn’t have brought it up.”

“Guess that makes sense.”

“Damn right it does!” Buffy joked with him.

“What time’s the appointment?”

“Tomorrow at two.”

“Sounds good. Maybe we could get lunch first?”

“I like that idea. Hey, do you want help making lunch now?” Buffy indicated the spaghetti sauce he was preparing and readily went to help him when he said that he would indeed like some help.


“So, Buffy, this is William,” Dr. Michaels said when they both walked in the following afternoon.

Buffy noticed the look he was giving her, “Yes, I told her your name was William. How screwed up do you think she’s going to think I am if I’m constantly talking about Spike?”

Spike realized she had a point but wasn’t about to tell her so.

“Fine!” Buffy conceded, “So I call you Spike all the time. She just knows your name is William so she’s trying to be all polite, right?” Buffy turned to the doctor for her confirmation.

“I thought it might be a tad presumptuous to start out by calling you Spike,” The doctor agreed.

“Better not be calling my Buffy screwed up though,” Spike said it as a joke but both he and Buffy’s psychologist knew he was being serious.

“Not at all,” She assured him. “And even if psychologists were allowed to call people ‘screwed up’ I wouldn’t. Buffy’s got a lot figured out. She’s a very smart young woman.”

“Bloody right she is.”

Buffy realized that they were all still standing by the entrance to the room and easily led Spike towards the big, comfy sofa in the room. One of the things she liked about seeing Dr. Michaels was that her office was so…relaxing; a big fluffy chair, the sofa and a desk chair beyond the one the doctor sat in made it seem so much less stuffy than she thought of psychologists offices as being.

“Yes, let’s sit down.” The doctor noted how close William and Buffy sat to each other. She knew from what Buffy told her that the relationship was completely platonic, but she guessed that that was only in the physical sense. If there were talking feelings…well, then she would definitely not describe their relationship as platonic.

“Buffy, did you tell William—Spike why you wanted him here today or—?”

“I was hoping you could kind of help me with that part; I’m nervous.”

“You don’t have to be nervous about telling me anything, pet,” Spike assured her, taking hold of her hand and squeezing it lightly. “Whatever you have to say, I’m here for you.”

“See, that’s actually kind of the thing…I can.”

Spike wasn’t getting it, “Not really seeing the problem there.”

“I want to quit seeing Dr. Michaels and talk to you about everything instead,” She blurted it out before her nerves could get the best of you.

“And what about you, doc? You think this is a good idea?” Spike wasn’t showing any obvious emotion and it was worrying Buffy; she’d expected a reaction of some sort.

“I think that if Buffy feels comfortable enough to tell you things and you both don’t think it will harm your relationship any, then I think it’s more than worth a shot.”

“Huh,” He said, seemingly deep in thought. Sure he said that Buffy could tell him anything. But could she really? If she was having problems with him; if something he said got to her; if he was hurting her…would she be able to talk to him about that? What if they got into this and he was the only one she had to talk to and, because she didn’t feel she could share it with him, she started bottling things up again?

What if he hurt her—emotionally; mentally—again?

She’d have no one there to know it was happening, no one for her to tell her secrets to.

“Buffy?” Dr. Michaels asked the anxious looking girl, “Why don’t you give the two of us a minute and then you can explain your reasoning to William?”

“That sounds really good,” Buffy was thankful for the opportunity to have a moment to herself.

“William,” The doctor asked as soon as Buffy had left, “Are you comfortable with this?”

“What?”

”I don’t want you agreeing to this just because Buffy is in the room. If this is not something you think you can handle or don’t feel is a wise choice for the two of you—“

“It’s not that….just a shock I guess.”

“Why is that?”

“Well…she shouldn’t even want me around really and now not only am I living with her and she’s letting me be her friend, but now…to hear that she thinks she can trust me that much…”

“Yes?”

“I don’t know if I can do it.”

“That’s understandable, it would be taking on a lot and some aren’t comfortable with being privy to all that information—“

“No, I…what if I can’t do enough…can’t do it right? What if she does need someone who can really help her and I can’t? I can’t…I can’t get her hurt again.”

“If, with the knowledge of what Buffy and I have discussed these past few months, I didn’t think this would be good for her, I would have told her so. If you’re not sure, then just listen to Buffy’s reasoning and then you can make your decision.”

“But if I say no she’s going to be crushed.”

“Maybe at first, but if you can’t do it, then it won’t be the right thing and I think, in time, she’ll see that.”

“Right,” Spike said, still deep in thought, “That sounds good.”

Spike stayed seated while Dr. Michaels went to get Buffy. Could he do this? Could he do it right? It was not a question of if he wanted to do it, he knew he did; to have that sort of trust and openness with Buffy. He just wasn’t certain he could be enough.

Before he knew it Buffy was sitting next to him again, looking at him, and beginning her explanation. “Right now I feel like I have to save up all the stuff I really want to talk about, for a week. Like I can’t really tell you it because you’re expecting me to tell her about it. And then I feel like you don’t know everything and if you don’t know everything how am I supposed to know how you feel about me. How do I know if you’re really accepting of me when you only know the partial truth?

“And I don’t like someone who doesn’t…who wasn’t there for everything being the primary person helping me. Dr. Michaels is great, but you…you were there. You know how it all happened and you can know when I’m wrong. I mean, you know if I’m remembering it right or being harder or easier on myself than should be the case.

“I,” She couldn’t quite say what she wanted to say yet, so this would have to do, “Really do care about you Spike and I…I want it to be you that is beside me in all of this, that I can tell everything to and that can help me with it all.

“But only if you…not if you don’t want to. And I’d understand if you don’t, I mean I’m pretty screwed up and to tell you to help fix me would be a lot and…”

“You are not ‘screwed up’, luv.”

“Not exactly the picture of normalness either though.”

“Normal’s overrated,” Spike shrugged then turned serious, “You sure you want me to do this?”

“If you want to, yeah.”

“Then it looks like I’ll have to try to remember some of those psychology classes I took at uni,” He joked.





A/N: I know, I know some people hate time jumps, but…it needed to happen that way  But the story’s so close to over that if I weren’t writing my other stories and thought it’d be good for the story I would have written a bunch of fluffy chapters…I don’t want it to end  (But I’m bad and wrote sequel-y things if you’re interested)

and a big thank you to riot_girl314 for adding me as one of her favorite authors...whether she's reading this fic or not :)

and thank you to everyone who's added the fic as one of their favorites (I know only authors can)...there's not much better than seeing something you wrote on the favorites list of an author who writes fics you love.....and I'll shut up with the mushy now :)

Chapter 46

Who knew Saturday mornings could be so…life changing. They had decided to set aside one hour a week, it just happened to be Saturday mornings at eight o’clock, for them to just talk. No other commitments were allowed to be scheduled then, the phone wasn’t answered, it was—in every way—just the two of them. They talked all during the week, but this was a way for them to make sure nothing was forgotten.

And Buffy thought she had made more progress this way in just two and a half months than she possibly ever could have with a proper psychologist. Spike was, in fact, a much smarter man than she’d ever thought possible—and much more insightful as well.

Whether she was willing to admit it or not, Buffy had always known that he knew—or had the capacity to know—her better than most; and he was helping her so much more than she’d even expected.

“Let’s play twenty questions,” Buffy said as they sat on opposite ends of her bed finishing their waffles.

“What’s that, pet?”

”What ‘twenty questions’?”

“Yeah.”

“You ask me twenty questions, I ask you twenty—except we alternate so you ask one then I ask one; like that.”

“This ‘game’ have a point to it?”

”To learn more about the other person, duh!”

Despite what some might think, he actually loved this side of Buffy; loved to see her so playful and…lighthearted.

“You want to start or should I?”

“You should,” Buffy decided.

“Alright,” he had to think about it for a minute. “What’s your favorite color?”

Buffy started laughing and despite his best efforts, William got bothered by it. “What’s so funny? You told me to ask you a question; not my fault I can’t come up with some world changing question right off.”

“It’s not that,” she assured him. “I just love doing this with guys—their first questions are always: ‘what’s your favorite color?’ or ‘would you ever do it with a girl?’.”

“So, may I have a redo then?”

“Sure,” Buffy agreed.

William seemed to think hard about it for a minute and Buffy was starting to wonder if he was even going to ask something when he finally came out with his question. “So, would you do it with a girl?”

Buffy just smacked him on the arm and rolled her eyes at him.

“Can’t get a bloke’s mind on the subject and expect him not to wonder. It’s all your fault; you’re the one that brought it up.”

“Fair enough,” She conceded. “Well, I guess I don’t really know.”

“You have to know.”

“But I don’t really because…well after everything that’s happened…from now on, for me, sex isn’t going to be a casual thing; I’m only going to have sex with someone that I’m in a real relationship with. So, while I do think it would be fun…I don’t see the two ever going together.”

“So, no threesomes?” He joked, expecting her to swat at him again, but she surprised him and actually answered.

“I don’t know that one either. Again with the fun, but I think I’d get too jealous, you know?”

“Know exactly what you mean, luv.” And he did; if and Buffy were ever together again to the point of having sex, he wasn’t sure he’d be able to share her like that. Even if the idea of her and some other bird getting it on was more than a might bit appealing. Much more.

“’Kay, I get to ask my question now,” Buffy said perkily, putting her empty plate on the floor next to the bed. “What’s your favorite color?” She asked as soon as she was facing him again.

“Oi! You just said...”

“I know. I didn’t say you couldn’t ask it, just said it was predictable.”

William glared at her for a few short seconds before breaking into a grin. He loved happy Buffy.

“Have to say black.”

“Black’s not a color,” Buffy objected.

“Course it is; got a name doesn’t it?”

“Fine,” Buffy rolled her eyes at him again.

“Second question…Favorite place to go when you were a kid?” he asked.

“Hmm, that’s actually a really good question—“

“Don’t sound so surprised, I can be intelligent when the situation calls for it.”

“I know and, well, I guess I’d have to say the beach. It’s just so relaxing and I remember I used to love to look out over the water and try to imagine what someone on the other side of that huge ocean was doing right then. Your question: Same thing I guess since you’ve got me all curious now.”

“The attic of my house; could get to it from my room and I used to sneak up there all the time. Didn’t exactly have the best parents, well mum was alright, was dad that made it unbearable really. Used to sneak up there because I couldn’t hear any of their fighting. Think that’s when I started liking reading so much; was about the only thing to do up there for hours on end.”

“I’m sorry that you had to put up with your parents’ fighting.”

“Is alright; think I got over it a while ago. Know I’m not going to put my kid through it though. Right then,” he wanted to get on a new subject, “Time to ask you another. Did you like it when Rupes started hanging round with your mum?”

Anyone else she probably wouldn’t have answered it for, but, “Not at first, no; it was pretty soon after everything with my dad and…I didn’t trust Giles. It was basically my mindset that all men would hurt you. So, when he started coming around more and I saw where things were heading—I hated him and mom for it.

But eventually I started to trust him more and saw that he really did love my mom.”

“And you,” He added, amending his statement when she didn’t seem to understand, “Rupert loves you too, pet; not just your mum.”

“Yeah, I guess he does.” Buffy decided for a bit of a lighter topic, “What did you want to be when you were little?”

“Wanted to be a writer actually,” he said forlornly.

“Looks like you got your wish then,” Buffy didn’t understand his sad tone.

“Not quite the same, talking about other people’s books and all.”

“So you’d like to write one of your own?”

“Used to; not sure I could cut it anymore.”

“But reading all those books and knowing what’s good and bad—that has to give you some way of judging your writing, right?”

“I don’t know; never been too comfortable with people seeing my writing.”

“May I look at it sometime?”

”I’ll…I’ll think about it,” was the best he could do. “Now, what about you? What’d you want to be?”

“An ice skater,” Buffy blushed as she said it.

“Were you any good?”

“Never have ice skated really, just saw some people skating on TV and decided I wanted to do it.”

“Sounds about right,” he answered, thinking of kids and their ambitions. “Still want to do that now?”

“That’s two questions, mister.”

“So, ask me two when it’s your turn. You still want to be an ice skater?” He repeated.

“No.”

“And would you like to elaborate on that?” He prodded lightly.

“Me.”

“Hmm?” He asked, not understanding.

“Now I want to be me. I spent way too long being someone else; now I just want to be me again.”

“Think you’re doing real well on that one, luv,” Spike assured her.

“Do you think that somehow the fact that you and Giles have some genetic stuff in common and mom and I do that…that that’s why they’re attracted to each other and why we were?”

He wanted to question her on the were but held his tongue. “Not at all.”

“Really?” Buffy sounded disappointed.

“Really. I think that whatever’s between them is very different from anything between us. I mean, are you at all attracted to Rupes?”

“What?! No…ew! He’s like my dad.”

“Right, and nice a bird as your mum is, I wouldn’t taking her out any time soon. They’re them and we’re us.”

“And what exactly are we?” Buffy asked the second question.

“We’re friends, kitten,” Spike answered, not wanting to push things too far and ruin it. But his next question was probably going to ruin it anyway. “Was anybody on the phone that night?” He hated asking but had to know.

Buffy knew exactly what he was talking about, “No.” She noticed how…relieved he seemed. “I set it up to call my cell phone and had it on silence in my room. No one was there…I couldn’t do it.”

”Did you want to?” Neither remarked on the fact that it wasn’t his turn.

“No…I wanted to prove my point—to you and me, but I also…it was not something I wanted to or could do.”

“Thank you for that, Buffy.”

“It’s the truth,” she didn’t want him thinking she was just saying it to placate him.

“I know it is; know you wouldn’t lie to me.”

“How many kids do you want?”

“Well, I think I’d have to say four, but two of them close in age then the other two close in age.”

”Why that way?”

“Well, rules out the possibility of the whole ‘odd man out’ scenario. And keeps it so they’ve each sort of got a buddy. Think about it, we’d be breaking up less fights,” He didn’t seem to notice exactly what he had said.

“I guess that’s right. But you know if we ever had kids, Giles would be a problem,” Buffy realized what they were talking about even if Spike didn’t.

”How’s that?”

“He’d be their half uncle slash step grandfather, kind of confusing don’t you think.”

“We’ll just tell them to call him granddad and fill them in on it all when they’re old enough to understand it all.”

“Spike, you realize we’re talking about our kids right?”

“So? What, you think they’ll figure it out before hand?”

“No, I mean, ‘we’re talking about our kids,” Buffy tried again.

“Right I know, I don’t see—Oh,” He whispered as he realized just what she meant. “I’m sorry, pet. I shouldn’t have been—“

“Do you ever think about it?” Buffy interrupted. “Like have you before now? Truthfully.”

“Yeah,” Spike admitted, not meeting her eyes and picking at non existent lint on the bedspread, “I do. I shouldn’t be—I’m…We can change the subject, yeah?”

“Can we go out on Friday?” Buffy asked her calm voice belying her extreme nervousness.

“Yeah, there’s that movie coming out you wanted to see, right?” Spike answered, thinking she had changed the subject. He was going to be kicking himself mentally for a very long time for—

“No, I mean, can we go on a date of Friday, William?”

Or not, he decided.



tbc.....so did you like?

Chapter 47

“What are you—“

“I mean, if you don’t want to, then just tell me. But I…it feels like it would be the right thing to do. I’ve wanted to since…but the time never felt like it was right…I didn’t think I was ready.”

“And are you now?”

“I think so,” She said quietly. “I mean, I want to and I think you want to—“

“I do, luv. Believe me, I do.”

“So can we?”

“I’d love it,” He admitted, “Can make a night out of it. Get something to eat, see the movie…sound nice?”

“It sounds perfect,” Buffy assured him. “So, what was your favorite subject in school?”

Spike grinned and joined her in the renewed game of twenty questions; and they each asked a lot more than twenty questions that morning, but none was as important—to him—as Buffy asking him out on a date.

Who knew Saturday mornings could be so…life changing.



They really should have done this before, Buffy decided…well, actually, maybe not. Because she wasn’t sure they—or rather, she—were up for it before now.

But right now? Right now it was perfect in all its imperfection. Leaving the house they’d bumped into each other as they both tried to walk out the door at the same time; Buffy hadn’t been expecting him to open the door for her and had bumped into his back as they’d entered the restaurant; they both started talking at the same time while they waited for their food.

“What are we doing?” The second time they the stumbled over each other trying to start a conversation.

”Having dinner?” He tried.

“Yeah, but what’s with all the—“ Buffy waved her arms around not sure how to put words to what she was talking about.

“You mean the ‘first date’-ness?”

“Yes!” She exclaimed. “Do you realize how long I’ve known you? There’s no reason for us to be like this.”

“But this is different, kitten. This is us on a date, we haven’t done this before; it’s something new.”

“But it’s good different, right?” Buffy asked, her insecurity shining through.

“Definitely, luv. Now what’s say we quit all this craziness and just be us?”

“I think that would be a really good idea,” Buffy agreed.

“Like your pasta?” Spike noticed how much she seemed to be enjoying the fettuccini.

“I love it!” Buffy gushed, “I always like fettuccini and alfredo sauce, it’s one of my favorite things. Just don’t get to have it that often because I really, really, really can’t make it.”

“Ever tried?”

“Why do you think there were that many ‘really’s in there?”

“Take it it didn’t turn out so well then.”

“Not at all!”

“What happened?”

“It burned the pan so much I had to throw it away, some of the butter somehow started a fire and then I caught the dishtowel on fire and when I tried to put it out—it was just a big mess, really.”

”Guess I’ll just have to make you some sometime then.”

“Really?” Buffy grinned.

“Can’t be taking you out ever time you want it, can I?”

“Not like it’d make you broke though.”

“No, you’re right, it certainly wouldn’t. But I’d like us to have the time alone, too.”



“So, movie time?”

“Don’t think you can stare at the coffee for much longer without it turning into something new,” Spike answered.

“Really? Like what?

“Hadn’t exactly thought that far ahead,” He admitted.

“Well, to save you the great pain and torment of thinking—“

”Hey!”

“—Let’s go to the movie now.”



“Why are we seeing a kid’s movie?”

“Because I wanted to; and so you’d behave yourself.”

“I’ll have you know I’m perfectly capable of behaving myself.” It was true, too; he wasn’t going to even attempt to kiss her while they were in the movie, no matter which film they had chosen to see. They hadn’t had a first real kiss together since…well since he’d come back and when it did happen it was going to be right; not in the middle of some crowded movie theatre.

“Sure you are.”

“I am. Now hush and watch the movie!”

Buffy just rolled her eyes in response but lifted the arm rest between them and snuggled against him. She’d been doing that, recently, whenever they watched a movie or TV show together—it was what had helped her get comfortable with the idea of there being…something between them again.

Spike pulled her closer to him with an arm around her shoulder and settled in to watch the movie, surprisingly finding himself enjoying it. It was the classic Disney love story; a complete fairytale with absolutely nothing sexual shown or even suggested. It allowed him to still pick up on the story but also let him focus nearly all of his attention on Buffy.

He wasn’t ready or willing to admit to it, but he had been nervous as hell tonight. This was his big second chance and he couldn’t help but think of ways upon ways that he could possibly mess it up. He was so glad that things had so far been going so smoothly.

Maybe, just maybe they could do this.


“That was a really, really good movie.”

“You’re big on the “really”s tonight, aren’t you, pet?”

“Well I mean them.”

“Then I’d like to tell you that I had a really, really, really, really, really nice time tonight—and I mean it, too.”

“You really are such a dork.”

“And you’re adorable.”

“Yeah? How so?” She didn’t know why he had suddenly said that.

“Seeing a Disney movie; all the ‘really’ stuff.”

Buffy just blushed and said, “Well I like Disney movies, they’re sweet.”

“Adorable isn’t a bad thing to be, luv,” he promised. “In fact, I quite love it.”

“We’re home,” Buffy observed when they’d pulled into the driveway, sounding sad.

“That we are,” Spike agreed.

”What do we do now?” she asked.

“How do you mean?”

“Well, we just had a date. Generally at the end of dates either you both go home to your own homes or you go to the same one and…”

“Ahh,” Realization suddenly dawned on him; he hadn’t even thought about what happened when they got home.

“Why don’t I walk you to the door, ask real nice like for a goodnight kiss, let you go in, and then you can change in your room and I’ll come in and change in mine and we can watch Letterman together or something?”

“I like that,” It was the perfect compromise really, it allowed her to still have her ‘coming home after the date’ and also didn’t make things awkward between them. And it didn’t put any pressure on them for something more to happen once they were both inside.

The idea of a goodnight kiss wasn’t entirely objectionable either.


Spike walked her, slowly, from the driveway to the front door, dragging things out as much as he possibly could.

“Know you might not kiss on the first date, but I was hoping you might be willing to make an exception for me…May I kiss you, Buffy?”

After all they’d been through him asking for a simple kiss could have been laughable; it wasn’t though.

“Of course you can, William; I’d love it actually.”

Spike gave her a short kiss on the lips, a kiss that left both of them wanting more.

“Goodnight, Buffy.”

“See you soon,” she smiled and went into the house, closing the door behind her.

Spike sat on the front step for about five minutes before following her into the house. Since they weren’t actually going to sleep yet, perhaps he could give her another goodnight kiss when the ‘goodnight’ was actually applicable? Yeah, that would be nice.



TBC................(but not too much....I wish it weren't almost over--well kinda almost at least)

Chapter 48

"You know," Spike remarked, "I think I rather like this whole living together thing we're doing."

"You just like it because it leads to us making out on the sofa fairly regularly."

"Well, I'm not going to deny that's certainly a great part of it." They had been lying side by side on the living room sofa 'making out' for nearly an hour now and Spike was happy to go on like that for at least another hour or two more.

"You do remember that my mom is coming over to 'talk' in just a little while, right?"

"Course I remember. I'm good like that." Spike wasn't ready to give up contact with her just yet so even as she talked, he kissed along her jaw line.

"If you remember that my mother is coming over--and that the door isn't locked and that this is technically a part of her house...then why is your hand up my shirt?"

"Least it's not down your pants," He shrugged.

"Spike!" Buffy tried to sound outraged but in the end she just ended up laughing.

"She's going to knock, kitten, you know that. And she can't see much either--the back of this thing blocks anybody from seeing us."

"But what else is she going to think we were doing on the sofa?"

"Pet," Spike tried to say it patiently, "Your mum knows we're dating and knows we live together; don't exactly think it would outrage her to find me snogging you."

"Snogging sounds like a stupid word, you know."

"Like 'making out' sounds so much better."

"Never said it did. And it's not my point that she knows it, she just doesn't have to see it."

"Fine," Spike switched on the television and before Buffy could say anything, went back to kissing her.


Joyce had gotten there about ten minutes later and, as expected, Buffy had gotten flustered, jumped up, let her mother in, and explained how she and Spike were 'just watching some TV'. Her mother (and Spike for that matter) chose not to comment on how it had been infomercials playing across the screen.

They had talked about tons of trivial things, what they had all done during the week, the new art show Joyce was interested in going to, the latest book William was reviewing, and the dinner that they--along with Giles--were all having the next week.

They all avoided talk of just how they expected the older man to act during that dinner; they were all hoping for the best but fearing the worst.

Spike had made her a wonderful dinner, starting it while her mother was there so that it would be ready on time. Joyce had been duly impressed and William had told her that he should cook the three of them dinner some time soon. She had agreed before going home to see what she was actually going to be having for dinner.


After dinner Buffy offered to clean up if Spike would teach her to poker. He agreed.

"—So those are the cards you'd have to have had to beat me," Spike finished explaining.

"I think that you have to be a guy to understand this game. I mean it's pretty much only guys that play it right? It's their weekly guy thing, too. So, see, I just can't get it because I'm a girl."

"Now don't give up just yet, luv. We haven't been playing that often, takes a while to get it all down."

"Yeah…or I just suck!"

"You do not suck, Buffy."

"Feels like it when I keep losing," She muttered.

"Buffy, you're doing really well for someone who's played as little as you have. Don't give up now, luv, else you'll never get better. Not even if you keep playing."

"What do you mean?" Buffy asked skeptically.

"I mean that if you decide now that you'll never be any good that you never will be—have to think positive, pet."

"I have a problem with that sometimes," Buffy admitted, remembering more monumental problems that had arisen from her giving up too easily.

"Nah, used to, but you're much better now."

"Thank you, William." He didn't ever let her get down on herself, wouldn't let her start to look back on her failings as anything other than something to learn from.

"Why don't we get to sleep and in the morning I'll go out and see if I can't find you some girly guide to poker."

"'Girly guide to poker'?"

"You seem to think it's a man's game, so I'll find some woman's way of explaining it to you."

"No, I like the way you're explaining it—I just don't like when I don't catch on to things right away."

"We'll just have to play some more then," Spike was actually glad she hadn't liked his idea, he didn't want to lose this time with her. Truth be told, he was not really doing his best job explaining things to her; that way he could spend more time with her each night.

"Sounds good."

"Alright, pet, you get off to bed, I'll shut things up."

Buffy watched him move around, shutting off lights and checking that windows were shut before he noticed that she hadn't in fact gone to bed. "Off with you now, time for you to be in bed."

Buffy got up and went into her room, not saying anything to him along the way, something that surprised him; but he guessed she was just thinking about something and that it hadn't been intentional.

Spike shut off all of the lights in the main part of the house, left the outside light on, locked up the doors, made sure the windows were all closed properly, and cleaned up their card game before finally making it into his room for a late night shower.

Try as he might, he never seemed to be able to forget the talk he and Buffy had once had, before everything even got started, about what she'd like to do to him in her shower; what she'd like him to do to her in her shower.

It wasn't something he saw himself being able to forget all that easily either, but, hey, at least it helped with the gas bill. Cold showers nearly every day would do that.

He knew that there were, of course, ways other than a nice cold shower to handle the situation, but somehow it felt wrong. He wasn't entirely sure but it seemed like when he was trying to help Buffy get past that part of her life, that he shouldn’t be getting off on thoughts from what had happened then.

Somehow it just seemed wrong. To his brain that was; certain other parts of his body didn't seem to have any problem with it.

Soaping his hair quickly, he washed off and got out of the shower. Finding the pair of pajama pants that he had left there earlier in the day--with Buffy just feet away, sleeping in the nude like he had since he was fifteen wasn't exactly smart--he dressed and hung up the towel before exiting the bathroom. It hadn't been anywhere near a long shower, but when he came out of his room he was glad for the short time he had spent in it.

"Buffy? What are you doing, luv?" As he'd opened the door he saw Buffy jump up from her seat on his bed and start towards the door.

"Oh! William, hi."

She sounded so surprised that he couldn't help but remark, "You sound so surprised to see me. This is my room, you know."

"Yeah, I, uh, yeah, I know that. See, I just was...I guess I thought you'd take longer in the shower."

"Didn't you hear it shut off? And what exactly is it you're doing here?"

"I was, um, distracted thinking about...stuff; I guess that's why I didn't hear it shut off."

"Were you so distracted you went into the wrong room?" He asked when she didn't answer his second question.

Buffy knew that it would be easy to just lie and say that yes, that was what happened. But she didn't lie to William, not anymore.

"Actually, no," she answered bravely--well to her it was bravely thank you very much! "I wanted to ask you something. The distraction was me thinking about why it was a bad idea and convincing myself out of it. But see, it's not really a bad idea. At least I don't think it is."

"What's not a--"

"Can I sleep in here?" Buffy blurted out, interrupting him and effectively silencing him all together.

"What exactly are you asking Buffy?" Spike asked as calmly as he could.

"Well, I don't mean the euphemistic 'sleep'...if that's the right word. I mean literal sleep; may I sleep in here?"

"With me?"

"Again, not 'can I sleep with you' in the 'have sex with you' sense--"

"I know that, pet. I'm just...really?"

"If it's okay with you. I just...the only night in, well, in recent memory that I've really slept well was that first night--"

"Buffy..."

"No, I don't mean because of the sex or...that was the only night I ever really slept in the same bed with you, you know..."

"I know."

"And well...I slept so well that night..."

"Is that the only reason Buffy?" He felt like she was holding something back.

"Promise not to get mad?"

"I'll certainly try," He couldn't make promises to her that he didn't know if he could keep.

"It's also, but this is not the main reason...it's also because the last time I was in here with you..." They both knew, of course, what she meant. "I need to....sort of replace that whole memory with this one....Does that make sense?"

"For some reason, it does."

He still hadn't answered her and she was starting to get really nervous--maybe leaving the room had been the smarter plan.

"So, uh...Can I?"

Spike knew this was a big thing, he just hoped that they were each seeing it as, as big of a thing as the other was.

"Of course you can." When, even after he'd gotten into the bed, Buffy was still standing in the same spot, he worried she'd changed her mind. "Getting in, kitten?" He asked as he lifted up the edge of the blanket.

Just a few seconds later, Buffy was lying next to him on her side, facing him.

"Come here," he said, taking a big risk and pulling her closer to him.

Buffy tensed up then for a second and he started to apologize when she interrupted him, explaining with a giggle, "You're hair's wet."

"I'll just have to get it a little drier next time then, huh?"

"Yep, next time you'll have to do that."

And they both knew it was going to be okay.


TBC.............

Chapter 48 ½

It was still dark out when Spike’s careful movement around the bedroom woke Buffy; and she wasn’t even in his room. The night before he had told her he had something to do very early the next morning and that she might want to sleep in her room.

She hadn’t really wanted to, but the fact he even suggested it had her curious so she agreed. Apparently, though, he was still going to wake her up, if only by accident.

“What’re you doing?” she asked sleepily, still not fully awake.

“Oh did I wake you?” he looked very apologetic and…caught?

“It’s okay,” she assured him. “Not that the night stalker routine,” she continued, “isn’t interesting and all, but…what are you doing snooping around my room at,” she looked at the clock, “God, Spike, it’s only twelve after four. No one’s awake now.”

“I was going to surprise you,” he lamented, seemingly annoyed with himself. “But apparently I’m a bit too noisy. And ‘Night Stalker’, pet? Not exactly in here to kill you.”

“I wasn’t meaning the actual guy I just meant night stalker as in one who stalks during the night. Now again, what are you doing?” she was still lying down and it was hard not to fall back asleep.

“Oh right,” Spike seemed to realize for the first time that he still had not answered her question. “Well, uh, get dressed.”

“That’s not an answer.”

“Said it was going to be a surprise; not going to be much of one if you know what it is, now is it?”

“I think I like surprises that don’t require me to get up at four in the morning, better.”

“Just wait until you know what it is, then you can decide if you want to yell at me or not.”

“Fine,” she agreed, “anything special I need to wear?”

He didn’t even think for a second before answering, “Jeans, a long sleeved shirt, and this,” he threw her hooded sweatshirt onto her bed. Buffy looked at him strangely but finally agreed, “Right then, I’ll go make some coffee for you, let me know when you’re ready.” And he left her room, leaving Buffy—still very puzzled—sitting on her bed.



Twenty minutes later, Buffy came out of her room dressed in a pair of blue jeans and a pink cotton long sleeved shirt, carrying her sweatshirt. She’d tried to wake up enough to put on some make-up but one try and she knew any attempt at putting on any eye make-up would likely have left her blind so she’d just gone with some lip gloss; her hair was pulled back in a high, loose ponytail.

“Good morning,” she muttered sarcastically. She did smile slightly, though, when Spike traded her a cup of coffee for her sweatshirt—a big cup of coffee.

“Morning to you too, luv,” he was still in a much better mood than she was. “To be fair,” he said after a few moments of watching her drink her coffee, “I was planning on letting you sleep some more, didn’t want to wake you up so early.”

“When were you going to wake me up?”

“’Bout four forty,” he answered.

“Yeah, see, that still starts with a four. In Buffy land that’s bad.”

“I’m sorry, pet,” he apologized sincerely. “If it’s not worth it—the surprise—then you can…I don’t know what but you can do something to me, okay?”

At the moment, knowing that she could get him back if whatever it was he was planning turned out to be crap, was very comforting.

“Okay—and believe me if you got me up this early for no good reason, I will think of something.”

“I know you will. Now you want some more coffee to take with us?” he’d noticed she had finished her cup.

“Might as well.”



“Please tell me we’re almost there; and not only because all this coffee is starting to make me have to go to the bathroom. I’m starting to think of things I can do, you know.”

“Expected you would be,” and he had expected it, when his girl got grumpy she got grumpy. “We’ll be there in two minutes.”

“We’d better,” Buffy settled back into her seat, sighing.



“’Community Recreation Center’,” Buffy read off the sign when two minutes later, true to his word, Spike pulled them into a parking lot.

“You coming?” he asked, getting out of the car.

“Spike,” she said after she’d followed him out of the car, leaving her empty coffee cup behind, “it’s like five thirty in the morning, I do not want to do anything that’s going to be classified as ‘recreation’.”

“Just trust me on this one, huh?”

Buffy looked at him dubiously for several seconds before relenting somewhat and giving him a small nod, “I’ll try.”

“Fair enough.” He took hold of her hand and waked with the rest of the way into the building. If Buffy didn’t know better, she’d say he looked…excited.



“Spike?” Buffy asked very, very slowly once they’d gotten inside the building and she’d taken a look around.

Now instead of excited, he looked nervous and worried. “So it’s kind of stupid, but I just thought—”

Buffy interrupted him with a kiss, surprising him with both its suddenness and its intensity—so much so that he was wondering if they couldn’t find somewhere a little more private if only for a little while. But one look at her face had him changing his mind back again. Buffy looked happy.

“You are such a dork,” she joked. “Thank you,” she said sincerely after another quick kiss, laughing when she evaded his attempts to prolong it.

“So you think it will be fun?” he asked watching Buffy look at the ice rink, pure glee evident on her face.

“As long as you don’t make fun of me...and as long as everyone else doesn’t.”

“Well then I guess it will be because I promise neither of those will happen.”

“You do realize you can’t promise for other people, right?”

“Won’t be anyone else,” he explained simply.

“What do you mean?”

“Mean it’s just us. I rented out the rink for us so it’ll be just the two of us.”

Buffy had just figured that they were early and that was why no one else was there; she had not even thought of…Spike had rented out the rink. For them. Just them. He seriously had to be the best boyfriend ever.

“Is this you doing some psychological thing with me…about how I wanted to be an ice skater before I got all jaded or whatever?”

“Actually, no,” he revealed. “Does work for that too, though, doesn’t it? We’ll pretend,” he decided, “that’s what I was going for—makes me look more…deep.”

“More deep?”

“Deeper,” he fought the urge to stick his tongue out at her and wondered how in the hell it was that she even was able to make him want to do so. He was a grown man for God’s sake. “Come on, let’s go get some skates.”




“Pet, you’re not going to fall,” Spike coaxed.

“Ice skates, William, ice. Know what that means? Means they’re for ice not cement floors.”

“Buffy, luv,” he said patiently, “I got over here, didn’t I?”

“Well then you must be some sort of superhero,” she joked. “Why don’t I give you a medal?” Buffy refused to get up from her seat.

“When was the last time you were on roller-skates?”

“Roller skates? Probably never. Roller blades on the other hand…”

“Yeah, alright, I get it. I’m some sort of old, dorky superhero—would you just get over here.”

“Quit making it sound like I’m being mean,” she pouted.

“Kinda bordering on it, pet.”

“No I’m—I am, aren’t I?” she asked desolately.

“You know I wouldn’t ask you to do it if I didn’t know you could. Come on,” he urged. “Coming over there, taking off my skates, carrying you over here, going back, putting ‘em back on, and coming back over here really doesn’t sound that appealing.”

“You would really do that?”

“Well yeah,” he answered before starting to walk off the ice rink, but stopping when Buffy stood up. “So how’s that work?” he asked as she walked towards him, biting her bottom lip and looking nervously at her feet.

“Don’t know. It’s early; I’m weird.”

“Well you’re here,” he took hold of her hands and helped her step onto the ice, keeping his feet wide and steadying her when she started to wobble a little.

“I am. And how do you know how to skate, mister?”

“Unlike California, England does have winter.”

“California has winter,” she protested. “It gets cold!”

“Buffy,” he said seriously, “fifty degrees isn’t cold.”

“It is too,” she still didn’t give in, “Especially when it’s all rainy and everything’s damp and ewwy.”

“Ewwy?”

“Uh-huh.”

“The fact that it can only rain proves it’s not winter—snow is winter, pet—“

“So you’re saying it never rains in the winter in England?”

“Well, no, it does, but—“

“See!”

“—But when’s the last time it snowed here?”

“I think it snowed once when my mom was little,” she answered weakly.

“I rest my case. Now can we stop arguing over whether or not California has winter and get to the skating.”

“See,” she said thoughtfully, “I was thinking that if I asked enough stuff that you’d forget about the skating thing.”

“You don’t want to do it?”

“It’s not that...I don’t want to fall,” she finished quietly.

“You’re not going to fall, luv. I’m going to teach you.” He waited for her to nod in agreement before beginning. “Now, just stand there, like you would on rollerblades.”

“Sorry about that,” she apologized sincerely

“Nothing to worry about. Now...you can do this, Buffy; don’t be so nervous—it’s just you and me.”

He was right; sure she felt self conscious and was sure she was going to fall on her ass at least a dozen times, but…it was only her and Spike. She didn’t have to worry about looking stupid in front of someone—if he hadn’t been put off by everything she had done so far she was pretty sure her looking stupid learning to ice skate wouldn’t do it.

“It just…it feels kind of funny.”

“You’ll get used to it. Now I’m going to let go of your hands, okay? I’m staying here but I’m letting go.” She stood on her own for a good ten seconds before he spoke again. “See, you did that great.” He slowly skated a few feet back from her, “now I want you to walk over here.”

“Uhm, William? We’re on ice and I’ve got these things called skates on,” she trailed off.

“I know that,” he said. “It’s the easiest way to get going; just go slow.”

“Like I’d try to go fast,” she muttered. Buffy slowly inched her way across the few feet of ice, barely moving her feet off the ice. “Hey! I did that!” she exclaimed in happiness when she reached Spike.

“That you did. Let’s try a bit more and then we’ll try just some skating.” This time he had her go a good ten or twelve feet.

“I could so be Michelle Kwan! This stuff’s easy.”

“You’re a natural, luv.” She really was very good and learning very quickly, “ready to try a trip round the rink with me?”

“I think it’s whether you’re ready to go with me or not,” she didn’t wait for Spike, starting her way around the rink, a huge smile on her face. “Come on slow poke!”




“Are we going to have to leave soon?” Buffy asked; it was nearing eleven.

“Nope.”

“Okay…when do we have to leave?”

“I have it rented until three so we’ve got a good bit more time.”

“Three?! Seriously?” They’d been on the ice since a little before six—or at least he had.

“Three,” he repeated. “And whenever you want something to eat, let me know; I’ve got a cooler with some sandwiches in the car.”

“You have everything all prepared don’t you?”

“Wanted the day to be as good as possible.”

“And you have succeeded very well—or however that sentence should go…You did a perfect job; there, I’ll say it like that.”

“Thank you, Buffy.”




“So I’m guessing that place is by the hour?” It was nearly four and they were just pulling onto their street.

“You guessed right,” he didn’t elaborate.

“So it must have cost a lot to rent it for like nine hours,” she said hoping it would prompt him.

It didn’t. “Not too much,” he didn’t tell her that it had actually been ten hours, five until three.

“Okay…well thank you very much. Even if I don’t think I’m going to be able to move my legs for a week, it was a lot of fun—and now I know I can ice skate.”

“That you can—and very well.” The contented smile on her face made everything he had paid more than worth it—even the amount he’d had to pay to jump over the open skate times. Really, what was twenty four hundred dollars when Buffy was happy and they’d had a day that, no matter what, she would never forget? Besides, he had a big pile of money off in the bank, was about time he used some of it.


TBC………..




*I looked up the price of an ice rink rental and snow in California and I think winter temperatures, so hopefully the internet didn't lie to me on those things :)

a/n 2: for anyone wondering/caring, I haven't forgotten my little 113 Times series...I've just fallen really behind on it. I'm going to try to catch that up soon :)

Chapter 49

Buffy wasn't sleeping in his room every night, but she had last night so this morning he was being granted the extreme pleasure of waking up with her curled around him. Sleeping, in any sense of the word, with Drusilla or Harmony had never been anything like this.

It was like just being this near to her when he woke up, started his day off on a positive note. At least after the nights when she hadn't had one of her nightmares. But they were becoming so much fewer and farther between that they hardly cost either of them a thought.

He remembered how pained he'd been to find out that Buffy hadn't told him about her nightmares, not before that third night when she'd slept in his bed and, after being woken up by one, had to tell him. She had explained though that it had seemed like the less she paid any mind to them, the less they affected her. Spike had accepted her explanation but made her promise, also, that if she did ever have one and needed to talk about it, that she would come to him. And she had; and it seemed to be helping because since that first night, she said, they'd been severely decreasing in both severity and regularity.

He still just wanted to take her in his arms every time something hurt her and be able to make it all just go away; her pain hurt him and he was still blaming himself, at least partially, for everything that had happened. They were both moving forward though and healing and he figured that someday soon it wouldn't really matter which of them thought it was their fault.

Buffy was, like every other time of the day, beautiful when she slept. She looked like an angel, her face so peaceful and it was times like this when he remembered just how young she was. Hell, she was barely more than a teenager.

They, Buffy and he, had had a talk about that, too, though. He was a full fourteen years older than her and, as he had told her, worried that someday she would grow tired of him. Or that he'd want to 'settle down' and she wouldn't be ready for it. Buffy, in her own exceptional way, had assured him and set all his worries to rest. There was no way, she had explained, that she would have started anything with him, allowed him to live with her, if she wasn’t planning on it turning into something; it would not have been fair to him, she knew if she had started things up again without any thought to the future.

It was still a fear of his though; that Buffy would grow up and realize that she could do much better than him.

"What are you thinking so hard about?" Buffy was awake now and looking up at him quizzically.

"Nothing for you to worry about, pet," it was as close to a lie as he was willing to get; she really didn't need to worry about it.

"You sure?"

"Positive. So, what do you want for breakfast? Thought I could make you something nice today."

"You make me something nice every time you make me something. Which just so happens to be...oh, almost every day," Buffy answered after seeming to think about the last part.

"I like making breakfast for my girl; besides, let's me keep you in bed longer," Spike added, hoping to cover the first thing he'd said.

"Have I ever told you I like hearing you say that?" Buffy asked, not thinking that she ever had.

"Say what?"

"Calling me your girl...I'm figuring out who I am, you know," She said thoughtfully, "And I like 'your girl' being a part of that. Makes me...makes me feel safe I guess."

"I love you," Spike said before he could stop himself. "Hey, I'll just go make us some breakfast, yeah?" Spike asked when he saw that his admission had startled Buffy.

"Hey!" Buffy called, jumping up just seconds after he'd left the room. Buffy found William in the kitchen getting a carton of eggs out of the refrigerator.

"An omelet sound good to you, pet? I was thinking I could put in some of those vegetables left over from last--"

"Spike!" Buffy interrupted him but he still refused to turn around to look at her. "William," She pleaded quietly, "Please turn around."

"Can't," he insisted stubbornly.

"And why's that?"

"Shouldn't have said that," he explained.

Buffy ignored the stab of pain she felt in her heart upon hearing that; she needed to keep a cool head right now; getting upset was not going to help matters.

"Would you care to tell me why you shouldn't have?"

"Not really?"

"Will you anyway?" He didn't answer for a while and she couldn't help it, "Dammit, William! You're the older one here, supposed to be more mature and everything, aren't you? If you didn't mean it, just tell me. But don't leave me hanging here like this."

"Buffy," He said, finally turning around, but not moving any closer to her. "How could you ever think I didn't mean it?" The question was asked in what Buffy thought was astonishment.

"Well," She began sarcastically, "There was the whole changing the subject then literally running out of the room. Oh, and let's not forget that little 'I shouldn't have said it' bit."

"I got scared, alright?" He snapped, but softened both his face and his tone when he saw her flinch. "God, Buffy, I'm...I'm trying so hard to do all of this right and I wasn't going to say that yet; was going to wait. But then I just said it and...and I was scared it was going to fuck everything up. So, I thought if I left, came in here to make breakfast, that--if you wanted to--you could just forget I ever said anything and we could...we could still be...us."

"So that's if I didn't want you to have said it?"

"Yeah."

"And if I did?" She asked hopefully, shyly.

"Buffy?" He asked, but it sounded to her more like a warning. "If you're kidding around--"

"I'm not," She assured him. "I promise I'm not." He still didn't seem to fully believe her so she decided that, at this point, she could stand to live a little dangerously--to take a risk. Especially since it wasn't really that risky of a risk. "I love you, William."

He just continued to stare at her so she got nervous; and when she got nervous, she rambled. "You know, I think we need to get you a new last name or something because well, I always call Giles, Giles and he's married to my mom so that makes him like a step away from my dad--ha! step-dad, get it?" Buffy continued on even as Spike walked towards her, "Anyway, saying Giles--even if it as a last name only...Wait, that's Giles'...It's just weird for me and--"

"Buffy? Shut up," Spike said before he kissed her. It wasn’t by any means one of their great kisses; it was simple and sweet. But it achieved Spike's goal of getting Buffy to stop talking.

"I love you, too, Buffy."


TBC......

and please review? I know it's bad but I really do love them :-D

Chapter 50

"Spike?"

"Yes, luv?"

"Well you remember what I told you happened between me and Angel, right?"

"Of course," Like he would ever be able to forget that.

"And then what happened with Parker?"

Again, something he wouldn’t ever be forgetting. "I remember."

"I had kind of been thinking that that was something I never, ever would do again--not exactly the best experiences in the past and all," she started to explain.

"That's perfectly alright luv; besides, plenty of girl don't even--"

"God you're wonderful, but that's actually not what I'm saying." Spike waited for her to finish. "I actually wanted to ask a favor of you."

"You know I'd do anything for you, Buffy. Whatever it is--"

"Actually I think this one you might need to hear what it is before you decide."

"Buffy, you're making me kind of nervous here," she was taking a long time in telling him what it was.

"Turning into a regular drama queen, aren't I?" She joked, but he could hear the anxiousness.

"No, you're not," He started to assure her, "You're just nervous--for some reason."

"But I need to quit being nervous--I can't always have you promising me it will be okay."

"I will though."

"I know; I can't keep this up though."

"Just try you best."

"It would be easier if the stupid thing had better words for it!" Buffy grumbled. "I mean, there's either the really technical sounding thing or the ones that just sound crude. It's stupid really, I mean how hard is it to think of a word...or even a pair of words, to describe it, that sounds pleasant. I mean really. If they can have like ten billion words and phrases to for actual sex then they shouldn't just have 'oral sex' and 'blow job' for--"

"Kitten--" Spike had to interrupt her; he just had to. "If you're not asking...or suggesting...or whatever-ing what I think you are you’d best tell me now."

"Well I am, so...I'm just figuring out how to ask it is all."

"Buffy, you don't have to do this. I don't want you to do it just because you think it's what I want from you."

"But putting all this other stuff aside would it be something you would want?"

"Luv, you and I both know that we can't just put aside all the other stuff--"

"I know, but if we could?"

"Pet? Have you seen you? And did you hear me the other day--and about a hundred times since then? I love you and you're you, of course I would want it. But only if...Not if it's not something you're not comfortable with. I'd like it but am perfectly capable of living without it."

"Spike, I can't live my life letting those two control what I do. If I...I can't let myself not do something for you that I really think I want to do just because of the shitty way things happened with them."

"We can always wait till you're ready for sure, you know?"

"Sometimes I wish you weren't trying to be so fucking noble," though the words were harsh she tried to keep her tone from being the same.

"Well excuse me for wanting to keep you from getting hurt again."

"Spike, at some point I need to be in charge of my life again. I know that you're there for me, but some day I'm going to have to be allowed to make my own decisions again."

"I know you are and I don't mean to be...I'm not trying to make you feel like you're not capable of handling your own life, Buffy. I'm just...I'm just scared, alright? I loathe the thought of you getting hurt again and...and I guess it's easier if, if you do, it's somehow my fault and not yours."

"Spike, nothing's going to be your fault; or mine.

"Believe it or not I am working on not being so overbearing."

"You're not 'overbearing' per se...just protective and concerned. Now, are you going to give me a straight answer so I can quit worrying already?"

"How about after dinner?"

"You want to make me dinner first? If it's going to take you that long to answer you might--"

"Buffy, I meant 'how about after dinner' for the doing, not for the answering."

"Oh, so you..."

"Want to do it? Bloody right I do."

"Need any help making dinner?" Buffy was smiling again and Spike couldn't believe the conversation they'd just had. It was something that, given past events, he had decided not to ever bring up, but Buffy had surprised him again and...God, she was magnificent.

"That'd be nice, luv. Can you set the table and all that?"

"Don't want me burning the food?"

"It's alfredo sauce pet; don't fancy a fire, especially not tonight."

"Fair enough," Buffy went to get the silverware and set the table as Spike went back to preparing the noodles and sauce.



"Angel is a stupider bloke than I even thought possible."

Buffy moved up the bed and laid along his side before asking him what he meant.

"Think it should be obvious what I mean; man's a bloody idiot if he even remotely believed what he said to you. Because, pet, if anyone on Earth is better at that and they're charging for it, they'd best be charging loads more than five bloody dollars."

"You're just saying that so I'll do it again."

"No, I'm saying it because it's true. You doing it again would just be a bonus." Buffy thumped him on the arm again.

"I know it's early," she said a few minutes later when none of them had been saying anything, "But is it okay if we just stay in here for...for a while?"

"Would love it. Anything you were wanting to talk about or...?"

"Isn't there always? No, really...I do have something I just...I don't want you thinking that---the two things don't have anything to do with each other."

"What we just did and what you're about to talk to me about, you mean?"

"Yeah."

"Why would I think they were related?" Spike started to sit up and reach for his pants, but Buffy stopped him.

"Not saying you would think it. And can you just stay put? I like you like that," she admitted, blushing deeply.

"For as long as you like," He answered. "Talk away, I'm listening; and not connecting."

"Smart ass."

"You like my ass."

"Well, yeah...but that's not what we're talking about now is it?"

"Sorry, love. Tell me what you were going to tell me. I'll be a good boy and keep quiet."

Buffy laid her head on his naked chest and felt herself relaxing as he stroked her hair.

"I want to go back to school."

"Thought you'd finished school, pet."

"Oh, I finished high school. I meant I want to go to college now."

"That's great, Buffy. Going back to school is a big step; any thoughts on where you want to go?" He tried, and failed miserably, to hide his own fear. He didn't know what he'd do if she went away to school somewhere and left him. Probably end up following her, that’s what.

"Don't get so worked up, sweetie. I just want to go to UC Sunnydale. I don't think I could quite handle going far away just yet. Besides, it's a good school and I like Sunnydale. And some of the people in it," she added.

"You can go somewhere else if you want to. We'll figure something out...or we could, I guess, take a break." A break that quite possibly involved him going insane just from stopping himself from following her.

"Is that what you really want, William?" Buffy heard how hard it was for him to sound like he meant that last suggestion.

"Hell no, I don't want it But I do want you to be happy and...and I’m not going to keep you stuck here if you want go…leave."

"You're not keeping me anywhere. You need to get it through that head of yours that if I did want to leave, I would. I'm not as helpless as you sometimes act like."

"I don't mean to." He knew she was just pointing something out, not trying to admonish him at all.

"Yeah, I know. And I know I gave you plenty of reasons before to think that I was the last person who should be left in charge of my life. But...but things are different now. I'm different now."

"You are at that. I'm trying to learn, really I am."

"I know, I love you for it. And it really is enough for right now. We're both learning how to do this all."

"Think we're doing pretty well too. Now, why don't we talk some more about this uni thing?"

"Well I did have one ore question..."

"Go ahead."

"Will you help me look into loans? I want to find out who has the best rates and stuff; I know Giles will offer to pay--or at least I think he will, but..." She still was not quite sure of just where her relationship with her step-father stood.

"But what, Buffy?"

"But we're not doing our best right now, he and I, and I don't really want to be owing him money."

"Well, I do know who has the best loan for you," Spike said.

"Really?" She asked, "Already?"

"Already."

"Who?"

"Me."

"You what?"

"I have the best loan for you."

"Spike...I'm not going to owe you money."

"You're right, you're not. I'm paying for you to go to college, pet."

"You can't do that!" Buffy protested, sitting up slightly so she could look him in the eye.

"Sure I can. I've got the money and any other way you do it you're going to end up owing some bank a bit chunk of money. This really is the perfect answer."

"And what about me owing you money?"

"Simple, you don't."

"What are...Are you trying to be confusing?"

"No," he laughed, "But I'm guessing that I am. Buffy, let me pay for your college. Not as a loan, not something you have to pay back. Just let me do it."

"What as like some huge gift?"

"Pet, I plan on buying you a house some day."

"Did you know you can be really overwhelming?"

"I've been told that a time or two. Is it a problem?"

"I just. I just don't know how to react is all."

"Just say you'll let me pay for it."

Buffy was hesitant, but she could tell that it was really something he wanted to do for her. He saw it as a simple thing, he had the money, she needed it, so he was doing it for her. And when she looked at it like that it seemed pretty simple to her too.

"Okay. And thank you."

"You're welcome, pet. Now," He got her to lie down again, "Any idea what you want to study?"

"Not really sure...maybe history but I don't know what kind of jobs that would get me."

"Could always marry some rich bloke then you wouldn't have to work."

"I could," Buffy agreed, knowing what he was really suggesting. "But we'll just have to see."


TBC…..


I know, I know...I'm a very bad author for not taking the chance to make this chapter smutty...but believe me when i say that you would have been calling me a very bad author for an entirely different reason if I had....the fic's not over though so don't give up on me yet :)

(and to everyone in my fic preview group, I swear I'm trying to find time to get an email out to you; I haven't forgotten about you)

Chapter 51

Things were going really well for Buffy and Spike; they had been dating for about six weeks and it had been about two weeks since their talk about school....Also known as the night of the thing Buffy needed a new word for.

Giles still wasn't one hundred percent comfortable with the two of them living together and had gotten rather upset when told that they were now in a relationship of the not so platonic variety. But he'd kept his opinions mostly to himself after his wife, Joyce informed him that what she said about how she would choose Buffy (and by extension William) over him if he was a problem, still stood.

He would still hurl thinly veiled insults at Spike and try to tear him down as much as he could. Neither Spike nor Buffy—who was glad that Spike had told her what was happening—told Joyce about it, hoping that he would move past his anger on his own. It wasn't looking all that likely though as it had been months.

At least, Buffy had decided, it wasn't causing the problems for William like it had been during those first few weeks. He'd taken everything to heart then and anyone else bringing up his failure and how he'd let Buffy down—or at least what he saw as that—were not taken lightly.

But he had told Buffy what was happening and she had done her best to get him to ignore Giles. She reminded him that the first time Giles had gotten things, about them, wrong and that it was primarily his fault William had left. That reminder had helped some and Buffy just being Buffy and reassuring him in her own way had helped him get over his guilt.


They went out almost every weekend; the only reason that it wasn't every weekend was that some times they went out during the week to have more privacy and quiet while they ate or saw a movie. Buffy was also starting to go out some on her own. She hadn't wanted to when Spike first suggested the idea to her, insisting that she both had no one to see and nowhere in particular to go. But William had reasoned that she needed to have a life outside of him and their relationship. He reminded her that he had a few people from New York and England that he still spoke with occasionally and, of course, people for work. She didn't have any of that and he told her it would be good for her even if she only went out to a movie every once in a while or—and this was what had won her over—went shopping some.

Buffy had actually seen Faith one night while they were at the Bronze just a little over a week ago, as well. She, learning from past experience, had asked William if it would be alright if she danced with Faith. He'd looked at her like she were insane and nearly pushed her towards the dance floor.


"Please," Faith requested, "Tell me that that was the guy you were so hung up on last time."

"What? Like him better than Riley?" Buffy joked.

"Hell yeah! And you'd better too or I might just have to offer to take him off your hands."

"Don't you dare," Buffy warned.

"No worries, B. Long as you want him, he's yours."

"He is, isn’t he?" Sure Buffy knew it but now someone else was saying it. "So, he having the reaction you expect from a guy?"

"Like you wouldn't guess. What'd you do to the poor guy?"

"You don't even want to know," Buffy muttered. "Let's just say that as screwed up as I was the first time you saw me—well I messed things up with him about ten times more than as screwed up as I was that night."

"Pretty sure you're figuring that one wrong, blondie."

"What do you mean?"

"From the look on the boy's face, I'd say you didn't screw anything up with him...maybe screwed him, but didn't screw anything up."

"Oh, he's just thinking stuff since he asked me if I'd ever have a threesome with him and some girl and I told him that I thought it'd be fun--"

"Dang B! Guess there's more to you than I thought."

"—but that I wasn't sure that after everything I'd be able to do it."

"You got some sex issues or something?"

"More than some. Well, I used to—I’m working on it," Buffy admitted frankly

"Despite what might have been implied before: You ever decide your answers yes to that question of his and, well, I'm here," Faith said as if it were nothing.

"Really?" Buffy questioned.

"Have you seen you two? Course it's yeah."

"Think you could hold onto your sexual attraction for long enough to hang out with me some day?" Buffy tired to make her serious question sound like a joke in case Faith thought she was nuts.

"Deciding to expand you circle there B?"

"Spike—"

"Please tell me that's not his name.”

"What?" Buffy got defensive, "Of course that's not his given name. It's just a nickname that he goes by."

"Damn you're one lucky girl. Please tell me you're banging him."

"Not yet—I was before everything got all screwed up last time but now...now we're doing things right."

"Well, you'd better do it some day."

"Like I wouldn't. Now, can I tell you what I was trying to a minute ago?"

"Sure."

"Spike thinks it would really be good if I could get out and do some stuff without him but I get really bored doing stuff just by myself and besides I think I also need to get some friends again. So..."

"Yeah, sure, I'll give you my number later. I'm really starting to think that there's a lot more to you than this cheerleadery bit."


She and Faith were doing something about once a week and Spike really had been right, it was making her feel much more independent. Yet that independence didn't make her feel like she needed Spike any less; it was an interesting equation.

Sometimes Faith's friend Fred joined them when they went to the mall. This was one of those days and Buffy hoped that the extra female perspectives and opinions would help her with what she needed to do.

"Guys? I was hoping you could help me pick some stuff out."

"What kind of stuff?" Faith, ever the nosey one, wondered.

"The Victoria's Secret kind of stuff."

"This just for personal-ness or you looking for something for Spike to get to look at?" Faith prodded while Fred just stood there quietly.

"Second one," Buffy was growing nervous.

"Then I've got somewhere else to take you."

"What are you thinking?" Fred finally spoke up.

"Victoria's Secret is all good and well for the occasional pair of underwear but if B's finally going to give Spikey something, well then she's gonna need something different, isn't she?"


Buffy had no idea how Faith knew of the place they ended up in, nor was she sure she even wanted to know. But it had provided exactly what she needed. Something that was sexy and that she knew William would just love but that didn't cost her too much as she had thought it might have when she first saw the shop.

Buffy hoped that she was right in her figuring that William would be ready for this, too. She didn't want to completely ruin the fun and spontaneity of it by asking, ‘Hey, Spike? Okay if we have sex again now?’

Spike was on the phone at the moment with whoever exactly it was that handled what papers his reviews were published in, discussing adding a new paper—some British one that he seemed to be really excited about.

She really hoped the call went well, not only for the obvious reasons, but also because if it didn't...well that might just mess up her plans for the night and then....well she'd be stupid and get anxious again, probably.

Buffy was already dressed in the partially see-through black panties (with the cute little bows on the sides) and bra so she decided before she knew what was going to happen, to put a robe on over it.

Just about two minutes later, Buffy could hear William end the call and hang up the phone.

And she changed her mind.



Spike wasn't sure how the night could get better—or the day even. He'd spent the beginning of the day with Buffy looking over the university registration booklet and helping her decide which classes it was she wanted to take. Then they'd gone out to lunch, a nice restaurant right along the beach. They had just walked around along the beach and the shops nearby, not coming home until just about an hour before dinner. And Buffy had surprised him that night, making some sort of really good chicken for them; he didn’t know exactly what it was, but it was good nonetheless.

Then he had his call—much later than normal as the man was in London and wanted to talk to William before he had the morning meeting with whoever exactly the 'London people' were. But now, at nearly one in the morning, he was done with work, done with anything that possibly needed doing, and ready to go spend the night with Buffy—even if it wasn't sex; it was enough for now.

He was already in his sleeping pants, had been since hours ago before he had to make that call, so now all he had to do was get into his room and hope Buffy wasn't completely asleep; he wanted to share his good news with her.



"Buffy?" Spike asked, unable to keep his voice from wobbling slightly. Okay, so she was most definitely in his room and most definitely not asleep.

"Spike?" Buffy mimicked, finding his expression amusing.

"You do realize, right, pet, that you don’t have any clothes on?" He was still standing in the doorway, hadn't moved since he'd first spotted her.

"Well I do have these on," She pointed at the little bit that she was wearing—the black bra and panties. She had decided, just moments before to hell with it all and had put the robe back on the chair across from the bed.

"Buffy...pet....luv..." He didn't know what to say—or what to infer.

"About to run out of names for me there aren't you?" Buffy joked.

"Not at all, still have kitten and sweetheart among others," he had recovered some and went to sit next to her on the bed. "If I'm assuming the wrong thing here, for God's sake, tell me...But if you don't...if you don't then I'm going to kiss you now and not stop until morning."

Buffy answered him by moving around, until she had a knee on each side of him, and kissing him soundly on the lips. "You had better not stop."

"I won't, luv, not ever," He promised.

They were going to do it right this time. They both knew how the other was viewing things and they both knew what it meant. This was going to be done right.

"I love you, Buffy," Spike fell back on the bed, taking Buffy with him.

Spike was still kissing her when Buffy pulled back seconds later to sit up. Spike already had his shirt off and the stupid bra was pissing Buffy off with its blocking her skin from his and all, so she easily reached for the clasp in the back and unhooked it. She knew Spike was watching her as she pulled the bra from her body but could only manage to be pleased at how much he seemed to want her.

Spike delighted in the way that the few sections of her hair that had fallen over her shoulders were barely covering her breasts, giving him litltle peeks at her perfection every time she moved; he hoped she never cut her hair if only for that reason.

Buffy, it seemed, would be content to just keep kissing him, but Spike had a few other ideas; rolling them so that Buffy was under him, Spike moved slowly down her body until he reached low enough that he could remove the black scrap of material that was the only thing covering her from him.

When he noticed Buffy starting to reach for the tie on his pants, Spike got up off the bed to remove them completely. "Buffy?" He asked while still standing next to the bed, "Are we going to need a condom?"

"No...well not for birth control reasons."

"Then we're good, yeah?"

"Yeah," Buffy answered as Spike finally joined her back on the bed.

"Gonna make love to you, Buffy. Gonna make it how it should have been from the start."

He was more tender with her that night, as he moved slowly in and out of her, than Buffy had ever dreamed. This, she knew, was how she wanted it to be from now on. Sure it didn't want it to always be this slow and sweet, but she wanted...wanted the same feelings behind it; wanted this to always be one of the possibilities.

"I love you Spike, so much," Buffy whispered to him over and over as he made love to her. Never before had she felt so loved and she only hoped to be able to make him feel the same way some day.



TBC......pretty please review--I could do with some niceness this week :)

Chapter 52

Spike woke up several hours after he and Buffy had fallen asleep and immediately decided that he could not, in fact, be awake and had to still be dreaming.

Not that Buffy had not done before what he thought she was doing now, but…Well she had only done it the once and even then she really had not done it like this. The last time had been full of discovery and just a bit of hesitation both coupled with a strong sense of lust and an undercurrent of trust…and how the bloody hell was he thinking words like ‘undercurrent’ when Buffy’s hot as sin mouth was currently wrapped around his cock?

Trying not to move, worried that this truly was a dream and too much movement on his part would surely wake him up, Spike took several deep breaths, trying to calm his racing heart. After several more seconds of her lips sliding up and down sensuously Spike knew he wasn’t going to be able to keep it together any longer and needed to do something to alert her to his wakeful state.

“Buffy?” he said, his breathing labored already, moving his already under the blanket arms so that his hands were pushing lightly at her shoulders. “You gotta stop, love.” He always thought men who told a girl to stop before they came were insane because, honestly, what was the point of a blow job if not to come? But right now he wanted to see her—and more than what just lifting the sheet would provide.

Slowly, and just when he was sure it was going to be too late, Buffy pulled off of him and slid up his body. “But you said you liked it last time,” Buffy said, her voice thick with faux innocence, her arms crossed on his chest, her chin resting on one of her wrists as she looked at him.

“Well aren’t you cheeky in the morning,” he said when he thought he’d finally be able to get out a sentence—or near sentence—without sounding like an unintelligible git who’d just run a marathon.

“It’s the sex,” she said easily.

“Is that so?” Spike asked.

“Uh-huh,” Buffy answered. “It gets me all…cheeky feeling.”

“You know what cheeky means?” The way she had said ‘cheeky feeling’ made him think she wasn’t sure what it meant.

“Well…not exactly,” she admitted. “But I’m guessing you wouldn’t be calling me it if it were too bad.”

“Wouldn’t be calling you anything at all bad, pet. Not right now, that’s for sure. Just means you’re saucy—least that’s what I take it to mean.”

“I think I can deal with being saucy,” Buffy wiggled her body as she settled more comfortably on top of him.

“Think you can deal with a bit more,” he thrust his hips up against her slightly to finish his question.

“Screw cheeky, you William, are just plain naughty,” he could tell she was still refusing to call him Mr. Giles because of the mental connection with her step-father it caused. Something that was, by all means, perfectly understandable to him.

“It’s the sex,” he told her—repeating her earlier statement—while tying to keep a straight face.

“Is that so?”

“I tell you, I try to fight it, really I do. Just can’t help it when it comes to you.”

“Would our lack of clothing be contributing any?”

“Perhaps,” he settled his hands low on either side of her hips.

“Then maybe I should go put some clothes on,” Buffy joked and started to get up, smirking when she saw the effect that her lower body pushing against his had on Spike.

“You are not going anywhere, luv. And you are most definitely not putting any clothes on just yet.” Spike flipped them so that he was hovering over her.

“What are you going to do about it?” she asked, though she was fairly certain she already knew the answer.

“Was thinking about something like this,” Spike nudged himself between her thighs, pushing her legs further apart.

Buffy took her hand and guided him into her, “What about something like this?”

The rest of her question was cut off after her thrust into her and kissed her. His pace was much faster than it had been the previous night, more forceful and passionate—all sense of reservation and carefulness lost.

Soon Buffy and Spike both were panting as he continued to thrust into her, her legs wrapped tightly around him the pair alternating between kisses and loving ministrations of the others body.

“Spike?” Buffy said when she could feel the beginnings of an orgasm building within her.

“Luv?” he kept his attention on her neck as she spoke, nibbling and sucking at it in a way that drove her wild.

“I love you.”

“I love you too, sweetheart. So glad I have you back again.”

“And now you’re never…never going to get rid of me,” she tightened the hold her legs had on him, drawing him closer to her, further in, as she felt her pleasure growing.

“Good since I wasn’t planning on letting you go anywhere,” Spike wondered how it was they were carrying on so much of a conversation when he could tell they were both so close to coming.

“You’d better not be.” He could tell Buffy was holding onto it, trying to make it last.

“Let it go. Come for me, Buffy,” he coaxed, his voice hot against his ear. “Just let it go, love,” he said as he moved one hand down to rub her clit. “Please, pet. Let me feel you coming on my cock, feel you squeezing in you hot, tight, little quim. Feels so good, like bloody heaven,” he pulled the edge of her ear into his mouth and the combination of his words, his fingers, his cock, and now his mouth had her coming undone no matter how hard she tried to do otherwise. “That’s it baby, scream for me.”

Her legs tightened even more, pulling him even closer to her, her hold on him bordering on painful. But the pain was of the pleasurable kind and her pussy was squeezing his cock so tightly that he suspected that he could have been in actual pain and wouldn’t have noticed it under all of the pleasure. Just seconds and a few thrusts later he was following into orgasm, murmuring his love and adoration against her lips even as he kissed her.



“I ever get shot or hit by a car—you come do that.”

“Do what?” Buffy asked in confusion; it was several minutes later and they were just lying together, bodies still intertwined intimately.

“Whatever it was you just did,” he said lazily. “Could probably heal me of anything—or at the very least make me forget it happened.”

“I can do that,” Buffy agreed with a small giggle, “as long as you do what you just did.”

“Deal,” he moved one hand from her hip to find her hand and made work of awkwardly shaking her hand, not wanting to move just to make it easier.

“Spike?” Buffy asked, when she was fairly certain he was almost asleep.

“Hmm?” he asked, sleepily.

“I know…I know that how we did stuff before wasn’t right, but…actually it was more why than how,” she reasoned, “but I…can we still do what we did?”

“Have sex in the pool?” he joked.

“Actually, that is what I mean.”

Suddenly Spike seemed much, much more awake. “Are you serious, luv?”

“Well…yeah. I mean…if you—“

“Buffy, just tell me what you want.”

“Well, of course I love what we did last night and we’re going to do it a lot more if I have any say, but…”

“But you don’t want us just making love in the bed all the time?”

“Is that bad?” she wondered, biting her lip nervously.

“Kitten, that is so far from bad that…that bad isn’t even in the same hemisphere.”

“Really?”

“You want to go swimming now?” he asked by way of an answer.

Buffy looked at him for several seconds before breaking into a huge grin and kissing him hungrily.

“Well do you?” he wondered.

“Spike, it’s broad daylight and my parents are home,” she reminded him.

He was most definitely going to be getting them a house of their own some day. One with a pool.

“Tonight?”

“Tonight would work—as long as we’re quieter than last time.”

“’We’?” he queried. “You were the loud one, pet.”

“Whatever you say. Oh, Spike?”

“Yeah?”

“The pool’s not the only option.”

“Is that so?”

“That is so,” she answered, breaking into a fit of giggles when he started tickling her sides.

“Then I guess we’ll just have to…make a day of it.”



TBC…….




A/N: My new story (which seems to hate me and won’t allow me to finish it—and is much longer than I had planned) isn’t quite finished yet and I’m not sure if I’ll be able to overlap the start of it with the end of this, posting wise. If not, remember that there’s always my update group that you can join and I’ll send an email out through there when I start posting it. Or if, for whatever reason, you can’t join yahoo groups, just leave me your email (either in a review, through the ‘contact’ thing on my author profile page, or by emailing me at suzeefic@gmail.com) and I’ll let you know when it’s posted.

The new fic, that I keep calling just ‘the new one’ is titled Interpretations; if you could please at least consider reading that I’d love you forever ;) It’s a Buffyverse story—my next after that will probably be AU. Again, if you want to know when the AU story is posted, either join my yahoo group or leave me your email somehow and I’ll let you know.

Alright, time for me to get back to trying to finish Interpretations.


Also, I posted a ficlet that I actually rather like (dangerous to tell you that I know because now i'm in trouble if you all hate it). It's called Reflections (Life Not Death)...


PRETTY PLEASE REVIEW? (yes I'm sucking up a little with the 'pretty please' but I have a migraine and some reviews would be oh so lovely :))

Chapter 53

"After this," Spike declared, "I am not moving ever again."

"It's not too bad. We're almost done anyway."

"Easy for you to say, pet; you haven't moved four times now in about a year."

"I guess not. But this time...it'll be worth it right?"

"Was worth it two of the other times, too."

"You better be meaning the two I think you are."

"Don't worry, luv. I am."

"Oh, Spike! I forgot to ask you the other day, who's Harmony?"

Spike couldn't remember if he'd ever told her about him and Harmony before. But it wasn't really of any consequence either way because he was going to tell her now.

"The girl I was seeing for a bit while I was back in New York," he explained as simply as he could.

"Oh...huh."

"Yeah?"

"She called the other day."

How in the bloody hell had she gotten the number?

"She said something about how she looked up your last name," Buffy answered the question he hadn’t even voiced. "Guess she looked up either the entire state or this area of the state. Anyway she called a bunch of random people and—well, one of them was Giles."

"Rupes gave her our number?"

"Apparently."

"Right," Spike was not happy with his half-brother at the moment, not that he ever was recently. "She have anything to say?"

"Well, when I answered, she asked if I was your bitch of an ex girlfriend." The way that she said that made Spike know that she was secretly asking him if that was what he had told this girl about her.

"Buffy, I just made up some shit about my ex girlfriend hurting me and that's why I didn't love Harmony. She tried calling you a bitch once to my face and you'd better believe I snapped at her for it."

"Wasn't a lie," Buffy said quietly.

"Yes it was."

"But I did hurt you."

"And I hurt you. But that wasn't why I couldn't love her. I couldn't love her, Buffy, because I never quit loving you."

"Really?”

“Really,” he wondered how they’d never covered this before. “Now do you think she's going to be calling back because if so I'm going to have to tell her to not."

"No, she just wanted—well apparently she was calling in the first place to tell you how she didn’t care if you were coming back and you could do whatever you wanted. Then when she got me on the phone, she basically said we could just both go to hell."

"Always knew she was polite."

"Please tell me that's not your type of girl, Spike."

"What? Rude?"

"No; stupid."

"You know you're my girl, no type, just you. “

“Yeah, but still...?"

"No, Buffy, I don't like stupid women. Dated Harmony, hate to admit to it, but because I was missing you so much and she looked just the tiniest bit like you."

"That's good about the stupid part. Was starting to wonder if I'd been grossly overestimating my intelligence all these years."

"You're an incredibly smart woman, Buffy. It's why you're moving in with me, yeah?"

"I've been living with you this whole time, you dummy."

"Yeah, but this is our own place now." They were both silent for a second or two, both recognizing the absolute truth in his statement.

"Come on, let's finish the boxes up; there's something I want to do before we leave."


"I'm going to go take a shower, kitten. Bloody California and its hot days this time of the year." Buffy could see how hot and sweaty Spike had gotten loading up the boxes.

"I think I'll take one too."

"We have showers at the new house. Why don't you go spend time with your mum before we go? She's getting herself all worked up."

"Spike, we're not even moving two miles away. She's just being the worried mother. And besides, there was something I wanted to do with these specific showers. Well, my shower actually."

"All right. Be ready to leave in half an hour?"

"You really can be dense, you know?" Spike looked offended but Buffy just grabbed him by the arm and started walking towards her room. "Do you have that bad of a memory?"

"Apparently I do. What are you talking about?"

"Remember any talks we had about the showers?"

Well, he remembered one but he was fairly certain that that wasn't what she meant. But then again...

Buffy knew by his look that he remembered very well what she was talking about.

"Go get in the shower, Spike. And don't forget to use the soap." Spike couldn't get in the shower fast enough, all his tiredness and aches from a day spent boxing and moving, easily forgotten.


He thought about putting the barest amount of soap on himself, but decided he wanted to stay as true to the fantasy that Buffy had painted so long ago, as possible.

Soap was slowly dripping from his shoulders and chest down his body and small drips of water were falling from his damp hair as Spike waited for Buffy.

And suddenly she was there, naked and beautiful and slowly getting wet.

Spike held onto her hand as she got to her knees, not wanting her to slip. Somehow, instead of decreasing how enjoyable things were, knowing what she was going to do next actually increased his pleasure; the anticipation making it that much better.

Buffy took him in her hands and ran her hands up and down his length until her ministrations and the water had rid him of the soap. Not giving him a chance to prepare or brace himself, Buffy took him into her mouth as soon as she saw the soap was gone.

"Do you like that Spike?" She asked as she took him out of her mouth for just a moment, still stroking him with her hands.

"Fuck, yeah."

"Yeah, you like me sucking your cock don't you?" Once again Buffy took as much into her mouth as she possibly could, slowly, slowly drawing him out before
sucking him back into her warm mouth again.

This time Spike didn't have to imagine the feel of her lips wrapped around him, didn't have to imagine the feel of her tongue running along his cock, didn't have to imagine what she would look like, down on her knees in front of him. This time, all he had to do was look down and he...God, it was better than any fantasy could have been; better than any fantasy ever had been.

She'd been sucking on him for a while and the feel of her paired with the memory of the last time they'd experience this, albeit as only a fantasy, had him dangerously close to coming.

He guessed Buffy could tell as well because he could swear he saw her smile as much as she could before...before she swallowed around him and he could feel himself going even further into her mouth, being squeezed by something even tighter.

And then he was coming, Buffy swallowing everything down.

"I'd lick you up and down, kissing the tip of your cock every time until you were hard again for me." Buffy repeated her words from months before, before doing just what she had just described.

It didn't take long and then she was standing in front of him, looking more glorious than ever. Deliberately she grabbed a hold of both of his wrists, one in each hand, and positioned them so that they were resting low on her hips.

"Fuck me, Spike."

"God, luv," he felt in charge of everything and nothing, all in the same moment; this tiny thing of a girl could so easily unravel him. And he loved it... "You want me to fuck you right here in your shower don't you? Right up against the wall."

"Please, Spike," Buffy gasped as he lifted her up, his hands strong on her hips.

"Come on, kitten, wrap your legs around me," Buffy hooked her legs around his waist but all she could…"Feel my cock rubbing against you?" She could. He wasn't inside of her, but she could feel him rubbing along her. "Come on, love, take me in that pretty little hand of yours one more time and show me where you need me." She didn't know how he remember things so well, nor did she care; taking him in her hand as he had requested, Buffy guided him towards her opening and he pushed forward slightly, penetrating her just the barest bit.

"Doesn't that feel good, Buffy? Having me inside you like that?" This time they both knew just how good it did feel.

"Yes," She groaned, then him not being fully inside of her wasn't enough, "Please Spike!"

"You want it hard kitten? Does my girl want to play rough, huh?" He turned them so that her back was against the tiled wall of the shower.

"Please," She whispered again.

"That's it, luv, feel me pushing into you, harder and harder. Slamming into that sweet little cunt of yours?
Feels good doesn't it? Turns you on. Makes you wet." This was millions of times better than he'd imagined it to be. "Never had it so good have you?" He didn't know why he was asking that question this time around, he knew the answer.

"No, Spike," Buffy still answered, "Never….Harder!" She begged, trying to pull him closer against her even
as he pushed her against the wall of the shower.

"Can you feel me slamming you back into that wall? Feel how nothing else matters anymore? How all you can feel is my dick moving in and out of you?" And this time it was the truth, for her. When she was with him, no matter how, the rest of the world couldn't bother her; it was just him. Jut them.

The water beat against her ankles and calves as she flexed her legs around his hips, still wanting and needing more.

"That's it, luv, tighten those legs, pull me in, baby." The sound of his voice, his request, and the groan that followed when she did it, had Buffy coming suddenly, her walls tightening around his cock.

"Spike!" Her screaming orgasm brought on his second one of the afternoon.

"Oh, kitten. God, you're so good. Just what I need," He still hadn't let her go, wasn't ever going to if he had any say in it. "I didn't hurt you did I?" This time he was free to ask the question.

"Couldn't be farther from 'hurting me' if you tried."

"Sounds like a challenge there, pet."

"You up for it?"

"Mighty big hot water tank we have," Spike was still holding her up against the wall, her legs wrapped around him.

"And it would only be right to give the house a proper sending off," Buffy added.

"Sounds like a magnificent plan."



TBC........

a/n: I've been feeling really crummy the past ten or so days (that's why I didn't post Tuesday and almost not today, I wanted to read over things one more time before posting) so I still haven't finished Interpretations (sorry!), but it's probably also better since I will be out of town next week (actually starting Sat) so I wouldn't be able to post anyway...

To make up for it (and hopefully keep you interested) I"m going to start--today--posting a new, four chapter AU fic. It's going to be posted in just a few minutes...

Now, back to this story...the epilogue will be posted on Tuesday and then that will be it for a little while until I decide to post the epilogue(s) :)

Thank you all for reading, reviewing, and sticking with me :-D

Epilogue


Three Years Later


Thanks to Summer School and Spike helping her to make the most of her credits, Buffy was going to graduate in just a few short months, right after the Christmas holidays.

She was going to have a degree in European history--something that was taught in schools in both California and, as far as she knew, England. She hadn't told William that that was part of her reason for choosing European over American History. She wasn't sure what she wanted to do, or where, just yet, but she wanted to have as many options as she possibly could.

Buffy still wasn't sure what she wanted to do career-wise, but she was thinking about either taking some more classes in the future and becoming a high school history teacher or maybe, working at one of the museums.

Right now though, her only plan was to make it through graduation--and then plan her wedding. If Spike had his way, they would have already been married--hell, they'd been living together for basically four years now. But Buffy hadn't wanted to get married during college; she didn't see how she could do both as well as she need to if she were doing them at the same time.

Spike apparently understood because, after that first conversation, he hadn't brought it up again. Sure he'd bought her a diamond ring that first winter they had been in the house, but as he'd explained that wasn't an engagement ring because her real engagement ring was going to be better.

And it had been. Just a few months ago, at the end of July, Spike had asked her to marry him. He had given her his grandmother's ring, a beautiful old ring with a wonderful square diamond that Buffy couldn't believe the beauty of. Spike explained that it wasn't the biggest diamond and that if she wanted something bigger than he could of course buy her a new ring. She could tell though what her wearing the family ring meant to him and besides, she loved it. So, needless to say, she had kept it.

They weren't getting married until later the coming summer, leaving her plenty of time after graduation to plan everything.


Giles still wasn't completely accepting of their relationship, but had left the tactless insults and barbs behind. Buffy guessed it was mostly her mother's doing. Her mother, who couldn't be happier for the two of them. Joyce didn't seem upset by the fact that her soon to be son-in-law was nearly forty years of age, which William had thanked her once for, privately. He knew how much her step-father's disapproval was upsetting Buffy and thanked Joyce for being so supportive, letting her know that both her and Buffy appreciated it more than they could ever possibly express.

Buffy had made several new friends at school and she, Willow, Xander, Fred, and Faith spent a lot of time together...with William along most of the time of course.

She liked having friends again much more than she ever had thought she would. Even more, though, she liked having Spike again. There were days when she still had a hard time believing he had let her back in is life, but he would always somehow know and assure her that he was the lucky one. She loved him more than should even be possible.

Spike was also doing well professionally, something he kept trying to convince Buffy was much her doing. He said that she was the one who had given him the courage and made him believe in himself again. While extremely flattered, Buffy wasn't too sure she should be given that much credit.

That was actually why she was home alone this weekend--his professional success. He was in New York meeting with his publisher, showing them what he hoped was going to be his second novel. The fist, coming out just under two years ago, had been a great success, both critically and sales-wise. Everyone had been awaiting a follow-up and he had finally finished. Now all that had to happen was his publisher had to give it the final approval and everything would be set.

It really was great for him, of course, but Buffy still missed him terribly. If only she didn't have school she would have been able to go with. But she did and so she hadn't.

But maybe...

Buffy found the pad that the number was written on and quickly dialed. It was six here, so that meant it was nice there...perfect.


Spike reached over for the ringing hotel room phone, hoping that it wasn't anyone wanting to talk to him about work.

"Hello?"

"What are you wearing?" She tried to sound seductive.

"Buffy?"

"Anyone else going to be asking you that question?"

"Well…no, it's just--"

"Right, so let's start over okay?"

"Sure," Spike agreed, felling much better just at hearing her voice--and even better than that at what he thought she was doing.

"So, what are you wearing?"






THE END



So, this is done…well the main part of it at least—there’s still sequelyness to come…I know I’ve thanked you all a million times over for all of the reviews, but I really have meant it each and every time; this was my little experiment as to whether or not I could write NC-17 (well technically A New Year’s Countdown was first, but this is the first full length one)…I have to say, I’m rather happy with the results. I can't believe I have a story that's on the top 10 reviewed list...for 'ever' not just 'the past 30 days'.....still amazed by that one--just ask Panta, I keep asking her how it happened.

I want to thank everyone, too, who read the fic and didn’t review-though I wish you would just so I know you’re here—it’s nice just knowing that many people are reading something I wrote. That you all want to read something I wrote.

I really wish I had a new fic to post for you all right now, but Interpretations still hasn’t been finished. Now, before you decide I’m the slowest writer alive, I had planned it to be a twenty or so chapter fic, a relatively short one. It’s now very much past that—and less than 2500 words away from being as long as this story (SB).

I just might be able to finish it today though—I should have been able to yesterday but I’m still kind of sick and yesterday I just wasn’t up to it. I always like to overlap the end of one story with the start of another so I would like to apologise (one last time) for not doing it right now.

Maybe after this I’ll be good about only starting one fic at a time—and finishing it before starting another one.

Oh, to everyone that knew about the little ‘game’ I had going—Panta and Brat and at least one other person knew—I won :) And yes, I am convincing myself it is a good thing.

On that same note, and to stick in my little bit of a public service announcement: Remember to nominate your favorite fics and/or authors (at Love’s Last Glimpse Awards, Spark & Burn Awards, Burst into Flame Awards, or any of the other sites) or to leave a review…even if it’s not why we write, it certainly is capable of making it more enjoyable.

Now, I know you can probably tell that I’m sick just from the complete rambliness and just plain confusing nature of that author’s note…I promise I’m making more sense in the fic I’m writing right now.



If you want to skip my whole long bit above, just know that I thank you all very much for all of the reviews :)

I'm marking this story as complete now--when I have posted the sequels (I'm posting them as part of this story) I will add that in the summary (ex: right now the first 'sequel' is titled Sunshine...I will add *Chapter 1 of Sunshine added* to the summary, changing the chapter number each time, then saying it's complete once it is.....I'll bold it too

I hope that all made some sense ::hugs to every single one of you:: THANK YOU!!

Sunshine

Today’s bright sunshine was a truly rare occurrence and Buffy had decided to make the absolute most of it. She loved London, the culture, the people, even the weather—but she still missed the sunshine of California. So she took whatever she could get.

Take today for example, the sunshine and warm weather had been predicted by each and every weatherman in the area so Buffy had figured it was actually to happen. And sure enough, it was not a false alarm.

The pale yellow sundress—patterned with bright blue flowers, the thin strapped frock hitting just above her knees—she wore showed off the tan she was developing, much of it due to fake tanner. She’d told William upon their arrival several years ago—just months after their marriage—that she wasn’t going to give up her golden tan.

Buffy lay back on the blanket that she’d spread out over the grass over an hour ago and just stared up at the clouds, watching as they drifted slowly by. This wasn’t the life she’d expected for herself, both before she’d ever met Angel or when her and William’s relationship was reforming—nevertheless, she couldn’t think of anything she would love more.

Their home was beautiful, decorated in a blend of each of their tastes’; Buffy was working at the Natural History Museum and planned, in a few years, to take those final classes needed to become a history teacher; William’s fifth book was currently undergoing its finally editing before publishing; all in all, life was great.

“Mummy?” it still amazed Buffy that she had truly English children, but it made sense if she thought about it—William chose to write at home so he’d been there as Daphna and now Madeline learned how to walk and talk, just as much as Buffy was, if not more.

Daphna, their beautiful older child, had been born just over a year after their marriage and was turning four next week. She was the spitting image of her mother and, according to Joyce, was the same social butterfly Buffy had been at that age.

Then, after a miscarriage when Daphna was just over two, Buffy had given birth to their second child, Madeline eight short months ago. Though it was hard to tell with her still being so young, Madeline—whom they always called Madeline—seemed to look more like her father. Her hair was a dark blond, but curly and her eyes were a brilliant blue that nearly everyone that saw her commented on.

“Yes, darling?” Buffy answered her daughter turning her head to look at the girl who had been lying next to her watching the clouds.

“Does Mad-ine watch the clouds too?” Daphna still had a bit of trouble saying her little sister’s name but always tried her best and was getting better by the day.

”What do you mean, sweetheart?”

“Is she looking for doggies and princesses, too?”

Buffy looked at her baby girl, who was laying on her back between her sister and mother, and thought for a few seconds before answering.

“I don’t know, maybe we can ask her when she’s older. But I’ll bet even if she’s not looking for doggies and princesses that she has fun.”

“Yeah?”

“Course she does, cupcake. How could she not have fun when she’s got you and your mum with her?”

Buffy sat up quickly, surprised to hear William’s voice. “I thought you had that meeting today?”

“Didn’t need to be there; didn’t want to be there. So I got out—don’t worry, princess, I was right proper about it.” he knew Buffy would be wondering if he’d been polite, nice about leaving the meeting. “’Sides, I’d rather be with my girls.”

Spike sat on his knees on the edge of the blanket, reaching down to pick up Madeline who’d been squirming around since she first heard his voice.

“Such a daddy’s girl,” Buffy muttered.

“Naw,” he countered, “She just missed her daddy is all, isn’t that right, cupcake?”

“That’s my name!” Daphna looked truly outraged.

“Sorry, sorry, cupcake, didn’t mean to do that.” He turned his attention back to Madeline, “Isn’t that right, pumpkin?” Madeline simply gurgled and smiled

“See, told you,” William looked at is wife with a smug look, like he’d won some sort of argument.

“Girls, I think your daddy’s a little crazy,” Buffy whispered in a conspiratorial tone, pretending as if it were a secret.

“But your mum already knows that, doesn’t she?” William maneuvered around on his knees until he was facing the same direction as Buffy and Daphna—who was still standing. “Hold her for a second?” he handed Madeline over to Buffy who was still sitting up.

Once he’d lain down again, he reached out and took their baby back.

“Alright, what’s say we find you some princesses and doggies?” he asked Daphna, who quickly lay down next to him.

“Horsies, too?”

“Horsies too,” William confirmed as he laid between Buffy and Daphna, holding Madeline as they all stared up at the mid-day clouds. “I’m glad we worked out, kitten,” he whispered in Buffy’s ear, smiling as she scooted over so that the side of her body was pressed against the side of his.

“Me too…and I’m sorry I messed it up for so long,” they continued whispering as Daphna continued to happily point out objects she saw in the clouds.

“Don’t worry about it,” he brushed off her concern. “Least now we know we can make it through anything, yeah?”

”I guess so,” Buffy started to answer, but was interrupted.

“You’re not listening!” Daphna let them know how much she disagreed with their talking.

“Sorry, cupcake, what’ve you found?”


THE END





I know this was a short little one, but the next is longer (and might not be posted for a while but it will be posted).

I also wanted to be sure to let you all know that Silently Broken (not sure if this part’s included in that or not) is nominated at the Spark and Burn Awards and reader voting has opened and since thee are buttons for pimping your fic for voting and everything, I thought I should give it a try ;) (hey, I like to pretend sometimes that I can win stuff)

Voting’s up until the first of December I think