A/N: This story will have elements of rape, slash, sex acts that may be considered kinky, threesomes, drug use not always portrayed as a bad thing, and probably a few more things one may find offensive. If any of this bothers you, feel free to read as long as you don't bitch about it.

This story will be mainly and finally Spuffy, but Spike will screw around with a few other people, men included, and elements of Spara will be scattered throughout.

Please review, it makes me all warm inside, and constructive criticism is always helpful. Enjoy!

We're looking for a 5th housemate to complete our strange home. Currently housing two writers, one artist, one poet, and one very anal accountant. Preferably someone with an open mind who's willing to share in the household chores and meet new people. Great house, lots of space and two excellent cooks. Only $350/mo, that includes room and board! Contact Anya at A.Jenkins@ucsunnydale.edu

***

Anya,

I'm writing to you about the ad I read in the Chronicle about the need for a housemate and I think I'm your woman. I'm a sophomore, Art major/English minor and I don't think I can stomach the dorms for a second longer. You can e-mail me back at this address with any questions and I'd love to come meet you and everyone else if you're interested.

Thanks,

Elizabeth Summers

***

Elizabeth,

Everyone in the house is eager to meet you as any other candidate for housemate has turned out to be psychotic, annoying, too excited or not excited enough about our resident lovers, or worst of all, an old flame of somebody here.

Thank God no one recognized your name, we need a move-in ASAP to keep the rent down. If you'd like to come see the house and meet everyone, let me know what time is best for you, weekends are fine until about 8, then everyone usually leaves to find the increasingly elusive orgasm.

Anyhow, let me know as soon as you can, and I hope you love us and the house enough to pay to put up with everything.

-Anya

***

It was three o'clock on a Saturday afternoon and Spike Giles was in love.

He was staring at the most beautiful sight he'd encountered in quite a long time. It was time he stopped mourning his past and moved on, and this dark beauty was just what he needed to do that.

Trouble was, did he have the money to afford such a sexy beast.

"Listen, kid, if you can't afford to put a down payment on her you can't take her for a test drive."

"Willie, listen man, I just need a few days to get some things in order, then I'll be able to put one hell of a down payment on this beauty, just please, don't promise her to anyone else."

Spike couldn't believe he had lowered himself to begging this lowlife for a beat up old black DeSoto that was obviously far past its prime. There was a time in his life when this would have seemed high class, but he was past all that, ready to start new. This car was the key to his new life, if only he could get the money.

"Spike, you know I'd love to do you a favor, but I gotta eat too. Get the money by tomorrow, or this baby's gonna be gone."

Spike sighed and ran his fingers through his bleach white locks. "I'll get it, I don't know how exactly, but I'll get the money. Just keep her hidden 'til tomorrow, got it?"

"You got it man."

Spike took one last lingering look at his dream machine and walked out of the car lot. He grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and dialed Anya's number.

"Time I called in some favors."

***

"Spike, just wait, I have some news!"

"I don't give a bleedin' fuck about anything but my money Anya. You told me that I'd have it back by the first of this month, and here it is, the fifteenth and you've got nothing for me!"

"That's what I'm trying to tell you if-"

"No, I don't want to hear your excuses. You needed a loan to keep the house, and I wanted to help, but when push comes to shove, I need this car more than we all need to stay in an overpriced shack near campus!"

"Spike, just hold on-"

"No, I'm tired of holding on. I don't care who you get to move in, it can be Hitler for all I care, you just get somebody and quick, because I'm this close to pulling out of this place altogether!"

"That's what I'm trying to tell you if you'd shut the hell up for two seconds. We found somebody, some artist/writer, you'll like her. She's moving in tomorrow and she's even willing to pay for the whole month, so I've got your money sitting right here in front of me if you'd like to come pick it up and go buy that hideous hunk of metal you call a car."

Spike was silent for a moment, nothing this good ever happened to him when he desperately needed it to. Finally a slow grin spread across his face. "Bloody hell, Anya, I may just have to kiss this girl."

***

Buffy let out a long sigh and wiped the sweat off her brow as she sat, finally, on her bed in her new home. Moving was hell, granted it was much better than she had anticipated due to the fact that all of her new housemates except for the poet she hadn't met yet had unexpectedly offered to help, but hell nonetheless.

She had a good feeling about this place. It was homier than anywhere she'd ever lived except for her mother's home in Seattle, and the people seemed to be really caring and friendly. Tara and Willow, the couple living in the room across the hall from hers had to be the kindest people she'd met since coming to California, and Xander was a brotherly type goof that she'd automatically felt comfortable around. Anya was a little blunt and a little lazy, but she could tell that she cared deeply for her friends, even if she was hard pressed to admit it about Xander.

She still had yet to meet the elusive but obviously admired Spike, brother to Willow and true friend of all. From what she could tell from Tara's description, he was sensitive and vulnerable, but hid it all behind a rough exterior. Of course, Tara seemed to have a serious soft spot for the guy that no one else really shared, they all liked him well enough, but no one else would admit to seeing the softer side of Spike. If Buffy hadn't seen the way Tara and Willow were with each other, she would swear that Tara and Spike had something going on.

Buffy sat up as she heard a car pulling into the drive. More like a hunk of junk, she thought, upon seeing the old DeSoto halt near the garage. All disdain for the classic vanished however when she saw the driver step out and move toward the house.

"Please don't let that be Anya's orgasm friend." Not too tall, not too short, bleach blonde hair, black leather and the tightest body she'd ever seen in person. "Oh, yum, please tell me they call you Spike." Buffy hurried to make herself as presentable as possible, considering she'd just spent the entire day hauling boxes up and down too many stairs. She checked her outfit in the mirror and decided it was perfect for casual first meetings with a slightly sexy edge if she played it right and then walked downstairs as calmly as she could manage while images of adonis in leather danced through her head.

Xander was already speaking animatedly about the, apparently, new edition to the driveway when Buffy made her way into the kitchen with the rest of the house.

"I can't believe you actually bought it man."

"Yeah, well, when I say I'm gonna do something, I get it done. That beauty was made for me, wasn't gonna let some creep abuse her. She just needs some lovin', then she'll be as right as rain."

"God, you are so weird, I can't believe we're related," Willow said grinning as she walked in behind him.

"I'm weird? I get excited about normal things like cars, you go all crazy over chemistry experiments and a bit of chanting."

"We call it spell casting," Tara said looking at Spike in a way that made Buffy think there was definitely more to the story of those two than she'd been told. Spike's answering look confirmed her suspicions.

Suddenly his gaze fell on Buffy and they both could have sworn they felt an electric current run through them. "Someone going to introduce me?" he said in a lower, much more sexy than playful voice that made Buffy's knees turn to jell-o. He took a step closer to her and she had to fight to stay standing.

"I'm Buffy," she said softly, extending her hand to him. "I just moved in today."

Spike brought her hand to his lips and kissed her knuckles softly, sending a tremor through them both at the contact. "Well, hello Buffy, I'm Spike."

"Hi," she managed to squeak out. God but he was even sexier up close.

"I have to thank you."

"For what," she said wrinkling her brow in way Spike found absolutely adorable.

"Because of you I was able to buy my dream car." He leaned in to whisper in her ear, "but I'm starting to think that she wasn't the most beautiful or exciting acquisition of the day." Spike leaned back and gave her another devastating grin before walking up the stairs, leaving a dazed Buffy and a very amused, very intrigued lot of housemates."

***

A/N: This chapter deals with a lot of history. Not much more than wistful thinking Spuffiness, so if that’s all that you’re looking for, just wait for the upcoming chapters. A lot of this story will deal with relationships from the past and their impact on those characters’ futures. Please let me know if you like where this is going. The song in this chapter is called “Abandoned Love” by Bob Dylan.

"So wait, let me get this straight, Xander and Anya are in love, but so off-again-on-again that most of the time they just annoy each other and everyone else with their unresolved sexual tension?"

"Right, and Spike and Anya have the occasional marathon, but they've never been serious, although they are almost as close as we are with him."

Buffy, Willow, and Tara sat together in the couple's room surrounded by copious amounts of chocolate and ice cream. After Spike left Buffy quivering and full of questions in the kitchen the grinning lovers each grabbed and arm and took Buffy upstairs to explain the strange dynamics of her new home.

"So what's the story with you three, I can see something is there that you guys aren't telling me."

Tara glanced at Willow and she nodded. "It's kind of a long story, sure you wanna hear it?"

Buffy leaned back against the wall and settled in with a pint of Half Baked. She was more than sure, she was absolutely positive. This guy had gotten under her skin with a kiss to her hand and a sexy smirk, she wanted to know everything about him.

Tara sighed, seeing Buffy's version of Willow's resolve face on the pretty blonde. "I met Spike right after I moved to California from Utah. He wasn't exactly the Spike you see today, he didn't even go by that name. So really, I met William when I was just a junior in high school living with my rebel aunt so that I could get away from my family."

Buffy smiled at the thought of the man she'd met downstairs, practically a walking embodiment of sex encased in black leather, once being the shy, tweed wearing, bookworm Tara was describing.

"When I first came to live with Spike, just a year before Tara got here, he was even more inept at talking to girls," Willow added with a giggle.

"Wait a minute, Willow. You didn't grow up with Spike?"

"Oh no, sorry. Spike and I have different mothers. He's a year older than me, born in England, lived there until he was fourteen. His mom died giving birth, and he's pretty sensitive about it, just so you know."

Buffy nodded, she knew all to well what it was like to lose a mother. She swallowed back tears and motioned for Willow to continue.

The redhead looked a little worried, but kept talking. "Our dad was over here for about three months just after the funeral with family, Spike's mom was American, and he hooked up with my mother, an old friend of his. From what we can tell it was a kind of comfort thing that resulted in moi. My mother didn't want a relationship and so she never told dad until she decided running off to Spain with her new boy toy was going to be more fun than raising a daughter. Spike and dad moved here and we automatically hit it off, we've been like best friends ever since."

Buffy was surprised Willow was so nonchalant about her mother abandoning her. After Buffy's mother's funeral, her own father had set up a bank account for her and pumped money into it every month, but that was all the contact she had with the man she barely knew. She suspected the only reason he did that much for her was the guilt of screwing around on his wife in Europe while she died of cancer with only her teenage daughter to care for her.

She shook her head to clear it of thoughts of her negligent father and looked at Tara. "Ok, so I get the whole family thing, let's hear the rest. How did you go from one sibling to another, I'm really interested in the part where you explain the whole brother to sister, man to female attraction thing."

Tara smiled. "I guess I always knew that I was attracted to women, and not so much men. William was the only guy who I'd ever even looked twice at, let alone pursue. There was just something about him that was irresistible to me," she paused and looked at Buffy. "Maybe you know what I'm talking about."

Buffy blushed and ducked her head, if he looked at all similar, if he had the same eyes, she knew exactly what she was talking about.

"We kind of fell for each other really fast, but at the same time I was becoming really good friends with Willow and I started to feel things for her, some of them more strongly than I did for Will, but I just pushed them aside. I really did love him, I still do, but I was just lying to everyone about who I was in love with."

“I come back to the town from the flaming moon
I see you in the streets, I begin to swoon.
I love to see you dress before the mirror
Won't you let me in your room one time 'fore I finally disappear?”

"So what happened, what made you guys realize that it wasn't just a friendship that you both wanted?"

"William won a poetry contest and he was able to go to a huge conference in Boston. I was going to go with him, but my parents showed up in California and all hell broke loose. He wanted to stay and help me through, but he had a lot of scholarship money riding on the conference so I practically forced him to go without me."

Willow reached over and squeezed Tara's hand, smiling shyly. "Spike and I were both really upset about what was happening to Tara, before he left he told me that he was counting on me to take care of her."

"I'm guessing you took that request to heart." Buffy got her answer in the smile shared by the lovers.

"We were both terribly confused at this point, and with my parents threatening to make me go back with them and dealing silently with whatever it was we were feeling for each other. Everything was shot to hell, I was trying to call William, but we kept getting cut off. I could tell he was terribly upset, and probably not making the best impressions on the people he needed to. Willow came over, we were alone-"

"Let me guess, one thing led to another and the next thing you know you wake up next to your boyfriend's sister."

Tara grinned and Willow laughed out loud. "We kissed, that was it. Granted the kiss went on for about ten minutes, but after that we vowed to keep it platonic. We both loved Spike, though not in the way Tara did, we may be fucked up, but at least we escaped the incest taboo."

"Will came home, my parents left me alone in the end, and Willow and I thought that everything was over between us, I started to focus more on Will, Willow and I hung out less, she actually found someone else."

"Wow, that's brave of you Willow, how did Spike react when you told him you were gay?"

Willow ducked her head and smiled sheepishly. "Someone else was a guy named Oz."

"You guys are fucked up," Buffy said before digging into her ice cream.

"Prom was coming up, I went with Oz, he was a senior, and Tara went with Spike. We both decided to give into the cliche. At least Tara was actually in love with the guy."

"So you didn't care for Oz at all?"

"No, I did, I really did, I mean, I think I could have loved him, but Tara and I," Willow sighed and couldn't help but lean over and kiss her love, "it was something I couldn't get out of my head, she at least had met and fallen for Will before I was really in the picture."

"I'm guessing Spike was a virgin too, then Tara? The hottie I met today wouldn't have been able to hold the girls off until he was eighteen."

Tara smiled as Willow made silent gagging motions behind her. "He really wasn't at all like he is now, he wasn't comfortable with himself, and certainly not with sex." Tara looked back at Willow then moved close to whisper in Buffy's ear, "he was very willing to experiment, though. And let me tell you, I may not have any other man to compare him to, but sometimes you just know when you've had the best."

She winked and sat back down next to Willow who was warily taking her fingers out of her ears. "You both do realize that while Spike is decent looking, he is my brother, and his sexual escapades, especially those with the woman I love, are not the most pleasant topics of conversation."

Tara just shoved Willow playfully then gave her a kiss so hot Buffy was questioning her heterosexuality. "Talking about Spike still making you irrationally jealous and defensive?"

Willow just smiled and they both turned shy, sheepish heads toward Buffy. "Sorry," they muttered quietly.

"Ok, so I get William, but where the hell did Spike come from? William doesn't seem the type to sleep with Anya recreationally."

Willow and Tara heard a hint of jealousy in Buffy's voice but settled for a secret smile and didn't mention it. "Well, obviously, things between Will and I didn't last."

“Oh, Jesus, what happened to him?”

Buffy could tell the story was still painful for Tara and Willow. She could tell that they really did love him. “Nobody could find him for a few days. We were terrified that he had done something to himself. I can’t even describe to you the way he sounded, the way he looked, it was terrible. We hated ourselves for it.”

“But Tara found him,” Willow interrupted, smiling wanly. “They had a place in the woods that they’d go to, this old abandoned chapel type thing. He was there for three days, just drinking and thinking I guess.”

“He came home, cleaned up, gave us his blessing and refused to hear any apologies. He was sad, I could tell, and I knew it was hard for him to see me happy, but he’s the best brother in the world, and he never held it against us. I don’t deserve him.”

Buffy was blown away by it all. This guy was unbelievable, but somehow, she had known from the moment she’d looked into his eyes that he was extraordinary, if a little sad.

“All this talk about perfect siblings, I’m gonna have to call my sister.” It was quiet for a moment, but then Buffy spoke up again. “Wait, that still doesn’t explain why he’s all black leather and sex though.”

“Yeah, so after this, William decided he needed a whole new life, he couldn’t really stand to see us together so he started to go out a lot. He hadn’t really had a lot of friends in high school, so he needed to find some people to hang out with now that Tara was gone. He met Dru in a poetry workshop and she decided he could use a makeover. Hence the new look.”

“She give him the attitude too?”

Tara and Willow exchanged a look and Buffy had a feeling she was going to get a seriously edited version of Spike’s next tragic love affair. “I suppose you could say Dru had a lot to do with it, but Spike was inside William all along. Just needed a catalyst.”

“Where’s the nickname from?”

“He started fighting a lot for Dru’s honor, I swear, she’d do things purposely just so she could get my brother to fight. He was pretty rough, I guess he threatened some guy with a railroad spike at some point, and Dru christened him thus.”

“Wow, what happened with her, or are they still an item?”

Willow shuddered almost imperceptibly but Tara’s instinctive hug confirmed Buffy’s suspicions. “She got him in a lot of trouble, but he realized it and got away. I don’t know where she is now.”

Buffy looked down and realized her ice cream was gone. “Well, you guys weren’t kidding about the long story. I should get to bed, and call Dawn. Thanks for the info, I’ll see you guys tomorrow.”

Willow and Tara said their goodbyes and Buffy made her way into her room.

***

Spike was bored. Also, he was horny as hell. He’d been so stressed about the house and the car that he hadn’t even attempted to find someone to pass the time with. The moment he saw Buffy his lack of a sex life came rushing to the foreground.

She was gorgeous, and there was something in her eyes that made him sit up at attention, every part of him in fact. Thoughts of the blonde beauty made his annoying but bearable half erect dick stand tall and weep. He had half a mind to proposition her but then he thought about her eyes again and decided that she wasn’t someone he could fuck a few times and forget about. He didn’t even have the luxury of a friends with benefits arrangement due to the fact that she wasn’t yet his friend.

He hoped to never change that fact. He didn’t want to be friends with her. He wanted to be her everything, he wanted her to crave him like he was craving her right now.

God, he was a pathetic sod. Already he was convinced he’d love her, he didn’t even know the chit, but one look in her eyes and he’d been hooked. He felt the electricity when they’d touched, hell, when they’d seen each other.

He groaned and turned onto his back, his hand wrapping around his aching cock and beginning to stroke. Not even a cold shower could erase Buffy’s effects tonight. It had been too long for him, and she was too intriguing to forget about. His fist sped up and his used the ample amount of precum seeping from his slit to lubricate himself. His other hand reached down to cup his balls and his pinky stretched out to play a bit with his ass.

His breathing was erratic now and his groans were getting harder to keep down. Oh, he wanted her, wanted to pound her into his mattress and make her scream his name.

“Oh fuck, Buffy, fuck, fuck-”

“That’s exactly what I was thinking.”

Spike stopped abruptly and tried to cover himself with the sheet. Then he looked up and sighed, scooting over to make room.

“Bloody hell, Anya, thought you were Buffy. Scared the buggering fuck out of me.” She just grinned and sidled up next to him, reaching out to grasp his now purple and angry looking cock. “And you stopped me just before I arrived, teasing minx.”

“Now, now, Spikey, you know you can’t cum until everyone gets here.”

He sighed and flopped back down on the bed, one hand stroking her hair while the other reached up to tug on one of his own nipples. “So you and Xand back on then, thought it was just gonna be me and you tonight, pet.”

“Well, we’re getting there, kind of had a make-up quickie in the laundry room today, thought I’d invite him. Only thing better than Xander is you and Xander.”

“Well, the more the merrier.” He sighed impatiently and looked down at her hand, slowly driving his poor cock insane. “Give us a kiss, pet, and then get me off, I’m ready to pop here.”

Anya leaned down and pressed her lips to Spike’s her tongue darting out to tease his lips. Her hand pumped faster and he moaned loudly into her mouth, his hips thrusting into her fist. “Oh fuck pet, lay down, let me cum on you, luv.”

Anya grinned and got underneath him as he began to stroke himself to completion above her. “Oh fuck, oh yes, touch yourself, pet, do it for me.”

“Yeah, babe, you know what he likes.”

Spike smiled when he heard Xander’s voice, only increasing his arousal, he was amazed he was able to hold on this long. The second he felt the other man’s presence behind him, he knew there was only one thing he wanted to make him spurt all over the beauty below him. “Do it, Xand.”

“Oh fuck, Will, you know what that does to me,” Xander exclaimed before pushing inside Spike hard. Spike’s cries of ecstasy set off Anya, then Xander and the three came to a most satisfying arrival.

“Xander?” Anya said a while later, sandwiched between her two favorite men.

“Yeah, baby?”

“Spike has a thing for someone.”

Spike snorted and pushed his fingers farther inside Anya, causing her to gasp. “I do have a thing, pet, mind taking care of it for me?” He asked, pushing himself up against her side.

Xander chuckled and reached over his girlfriend’s body to grasp Spike’s cock and began to stroke. “Don’t think that’s what she’s talking about, buddy.”

“No? Well, still feel free to continue, mate.”

“Sure thing.”

“What I’m saying is, you- ahh, yes, Spike, oh yes, just there, oh-”

“She’s saying you like somebody,” Xander chuckled, “like like someone.”

“Oh, and who’s that, pet?”

“The new girl, Buffy.”

“How d’you- oh Xand, oh mate don’t stop, so bloody close, unngh, ohhhh, oh yes.”

Spike panted and rested his head on Anya’s breast, his tongue darting out to leisurely lick her. He caught his breath and continued. “How d’you figure that?”

“You were bringing yourself off while moaning her name, I think that’s evidence enough, plus, you didn’t go out and try to get her into bed tonight, you must really like her.”

Spike was silent for a moment. He leaned over to kiss Xander tenderly. “I love you guys, you know that right?”

“Yeah, buddy, ‘course.”

“Yes, Spike, I know.”

Spike sighed and closed his eyes. “Yeah, I really like her, think I might love her if I get the chance.” Anya stroked his hair and when Spike opened his eyes again, Xander was looking at him with worry written all over his face. “Don’t worry, I won’t do anything stupid this time. You guys keep me grounded, you guys can help me keep my head. I don’t need a repeat of Dru.”

I’m more worried about a repeat of Tara, Anya and Xander thought, but they remained silent and settled in for sleep.

Spike was already gone, a certain blonde invading his dreams and making him wonder why in the hell the Gods picked him to be love’s most willing bitch.

A/N: Lots of slash this chappy, Xander just got really horny on me. Next chapter should be out pretty soon, and that's when it turns more to the present, less flashback. Please review and let me know what you think. Thanks to everyone who's reviewed so far!

-Bob Dylan, Shelter From the Storm

Spike awoke first the next morning, his head pillowed on Xander's chest and Anya spooned up against his back. He didn't remember shifting to the middle of the threesome but he didn't mind. Ever since he had been asked to participate in these encounters with two of his best friends they'd treated him like he was just as important to them as they were to each other. He loved them for that, but he understood that it wasn't a permanent arrangement. One day they'd finally stop dodging real commitment and become exclusive, he had a feeling they were waiting for him to be paired off before they did so.

Spike had known Xander almost his whole life, they'd been best friends ever since they'd had to put aside a petty playground rivalry to fight off a bully that wanted to do them both in. They'd met Anya when they were freshmen in high school, and Xander had fallen hard. William hadn't been able to bring himself to even approach a girl since he'd been so brutally dismissed by his junior high crush Cecily.

For a year, William was the third wheel, and though Xander and Anya made an effort to include him, William understood and respected the fact that they must have wanted to be alone together more often than not.

After a year and a half of bliss, Anya had to leave when her parents moved her to Colorado. Just before, Xander lost his virginity and William felt like he was even more of a loser. The couple stayed in touch but agreed to see other people, staying just friends. William scoffed at the idea, he knew neither Xander nor Anya were about to move on, and unless they altered themselves totally, they'd be pining for each other until they went crazy.

They decided to speed up the process and drive each other crazy with jealousy. At every attempt, William was forced to keep his eye rolls hidden, they were pathetic. More often than not, Xander and William spent their weekends drinking away their loneliness.

William avoided Xander for a week. He was too confused and too disgusted with himself to face his friend. He tried to tell himself that he was just drunk, and he was a teenage boy, so almost always horny, but he knew that he'd thought of what it would be like to touch Xander and have his friend touch him before. Many a guilt drenched orgasm following that particular fantasy had told William that he wasn't one hundred percent for the ladies. He never really looked at other men that way though, just Xander, so maybe it was just a fluke. A drunken fluke that could never happen again.

Their relationship was awkward and they both felt like they were walking on eggshells around the other. Xander was hurt that William had dismissed everything so easily, and William was the most confused he'd ever been. He wanted Xander, sometimes so much that he considered throwing all discretion out with his propriety, but then he remembered that Xander hadn't seemed too keen to continue. He had been hoping that his friend would have refused to forget about it, but they hadn't mentioned it for a few months.

Spike realized that he had grown pretty hard at the remembrance of his first sexual encounter. He reached down and gave his cock a loving stroke. Underneath him, Xander's breathing started to speed up and he realized that his friend was awake and watching. He licked a ring around Xander's nipple then bit down and grinned when he heard a soft moan above him. Spike moved to kiss him, but Xander surprised him by turning over and handing him the oil he kept in his bedside table.

"Xand?"

"Do it, Will, I want you."

Spike, never one to look a gift horse in the mouth was still a little confused. Xander didn't usually like to be bottom as his times with Anya were usually spent in submission. When they were together, Spike was just poor, shy, virginal, William and Xander was the experienced one, even though by now Spike had done more things with more people than Xander had ever considered.

Spike lubed up his cock and then Xander's ass and positioned himself. He paused and Xander looked back at him. "Turn over, mate, I want to see you."

As rare as these occasions were, Spike wanted to see the pleasure written on Xander's face when he gave him the pounding that would make it difficult to walk. Before Xander got fully comfortable, Spike pushed inside and waited for Xander to get used to him.

"Oh, God, Will, fuck!"

"Jesus, you're tight, Xand." He bent down and kissed him, then grabbed his cock and began to stroke. "I'm gonna make you scream, mate, gonna make it so good for you."

Xander didn't doubt it, just put his head back and moaned. Spike loved hearing Xander moan for him, loved to hear the power they had over each other. He began to pump and stroke faster, and he realized that this wasn't going to last as long as he had hoped. The tightness of Xander was seeing to that.

"Oh, not gonna last much longer, baby, you're just too damn tight."

"Fuck, Will, I love it when you fuck me, harder, just a few more times... ahhh!"

Xander shot his load all over his chest and stomach, the orgasm catching them both by surprise and Spike followed almost immediately after. He pulled out gently and resumed his position with his head on Xander's chest. He looked over and saw Anya still asleep, she murmured and curled up behind him again.

"How in the bloody hell did she sleep through that?"

***

"Will?" Xander asked. They had fallen back to sleep for about an hour, but had woken up again to the sound of Spike's alarm. Anya, again slept through quite a bit of noise. Now they were laying together trying to find the will to get out of bed.

"Yeah, Xand?"

"I want you to be careful, I don't want to see you hurt again, man."

Spike looked up at Xander and brushed some hair out of his eyes. "Got you and Anya to look after me, not to mention my girls in the other room. Buffy doesn't seem the type to tempt me back into that stuff, 'sides, probably just a fluke, thought I saw somethin' in her eyes, but it coulda been the sun, so let's just leave it alone until there's actually something to worry 'bout."

"I'm not worried about that, I'm worried about your heart, Will. You give too much to people who don't deserve it. I like Buffy, she seems nice, but Tara was nice, and look what happened there."

Spike sat up and pulled himself away. "I see that bloody mistake every day of my life, don't need a reminder."

"You didn't make a mistake, Tara-"

"Just leave it," Spike said angrily, cutting him off. "You always have to bring her up when I see someone I may want to get to know. You're jumping the gun, Xander. I don't need you to treat me like I can't date someone without guarding my heart a bit. I learned my sodding lesson. Twice."

Xander tried to pull him back into bed but Spike stood up and pulled on his pants. "'M takin' a shower. Got things to do today."

After he left Xander sighed.

"You were right. He's going to get hurt if you don't warn him, at least now he'll think about it."

"I think you're right, Ahn." He turned and fell into her arms. "But I hope we're both wrong."

***

Spike walked into the kitchen after his shower and found Buffy sitting at the counter with a bowl of cereal. "Mornin' pet, sleep well?"

Buffy looked up and smiled broadly. "Yeah, I did actually. Thought I might be nervous in a new place, but I was very comfortable."

Spike smiled and sat next to her with a banana. "What are you up to today?"

"Thought I'd get myself acquainted with the area and campus."

"So, have you been going to Sunnydale all along, or did you transfer?"

Buffy paused for a moment and tried not to think about her mother. "Umm, no. I was in Seattle before, UW. I had to get away from some stuff, California seemed like a nice change."

Spike saw the hesitation and the look of pain that crossed her face but said nothing. "Well, love, California is a nice place, and Sunnydale's just small enough not to be overwhelming, and just big enough not to get boring. Though with yours truly around, boredom should be the last thing on your mind."

Buffy grinned and looked down, hoping he hadn't noticed the flush in her cheeks caused by his nearness. "Well, I've got to be going, long day ahead."

Spike wasn't ready for her to leave yet, he was trying to work up the nerve to ask her out but he barely knew anything about her and didn't know what exact approach to use. "I'd offer to show you the town myself, but, I've got to meet with my professor before classes start. Maybe, if you'd like it... Maybe some other time, I could, um-"

Buffy smiled at his sudden shyness, remembering the way Tara had described William. "You could show me some things only the locals know about?"

Spike looked up from the floor and smiled, he looked relieved and not at all the comfortable and confident man she'd first met. "Yeah. That. Some time." He felt like such a wanker, he'd left William behind long ago, but some people brought him out at the worst possible moments. Tara was the only one who could still do it, and sometimes Xander in the bedroom, but even they could only do it if they tried. Why did Buffy have it with no apparent effort?

"That sounds great, Spike," she said softly, breaking through his thoughts. "I'll see you tonight?"

"Yeah, I'll be around," he said smiling shyly, she smiled back and he felt his heart clench a bit. Did she know what she was doing to him?

Buffy walked down the hall to the door and Spike sat down and sighed. Who was he kidding? If William was infatuated with Ms. Summers, Spike had no choice but to follow along.

***

Buffy grabbed her coat off the rack and was about to open the front door when she heard Spike's door open. She looked back and wished she hadn't. A disheveled and obviously very satisfied Anya ,carrying her clothes and wearing a man's robe, crossed the hall into the bathroom.

Buffy tried not to be hurt, or angry, or even surprised. Tara and Willow had told her early on that Spike and Anya had their occasional romps, but after what she walked in on in the laundry room the day before, she figured they weren't on at this point. Apparently she was wrong, and Spike wasn't so close to William after all.

She stepped out of the front door and made her way to her car. Why should she even care who he fucks, it's not like they had any kind of relationship? She barely even knew the guy. Then why are you freaking out internally, who cares if you barely know him. You want him, more than you've wanted someone in a long time.

"Shut-up brain," she hissed to herself. Realizing she was talking to herself, she tried to calm down. She wondered if he had any idea what he was doing to her.

***

It was late in the afternoon and Buffy had found everything she had wanted to on campus and off except for the psychology building. She'd been walking around for almost half an hour at this point, trying not to look like a complete loser, holding her map and talking to herself.

She was failing on that front.

"Need some help?"

Buffy turned around and stared straight into the chest of someone very tall. Actually, he may not have been, anyone compared to her was tall. She looked up into the smiling face of a brown haired, kind eyed man about her age.

"Umm, sure, I'm looking for the psychology building."

"Well, hey, you're in luck, that's just where I'm headed." He smiled wider and stuck out his hand. "Riley Finn."

Buffy smiled back warily, he seemed really nice, but so did Spike, and lots of guys with worse transgressions than him. "I'm Buffy Summers."

"Nice to meet you, Buffy. So are you a freshmen or just new?'

"I'm a sophomore, I transferred here this year from Seattle."

They exchanged simply small talk on the way explaining where they were from, what year they were in, and that they were both psychology majors. Finally, they found the building and Buffy raged internally when she realized she had walked by it at least five times before.

Riley looked a little uncertain and she knew he was going to ask her out before he did so.

"So, um, Buffy, maybe I could take you out some time. There's a club here, the Bronze, it's pretty cool."

She was hesitant at first, in a way Spike had asked her the same thing, but then she remembered Anya. "Sure, let me give you my number."

Spike wasn't exclusive, no need for her to be.

***

The Bronze was pretty crowded for a Tuesday night. Xander and Anya sat together at a table with Willow and Tara. Oz, Willow's ex, and his band were playing. He'd been remarkably cool about things when Willow had broken them off. He cared about her, but he wasn't about to mess with trying to turn a lesbian. They'd remained friends and the whole gang still came to watch him play when he was in town.

Spike had been gone the whole day working on some projects that he'd been doing over the summer with one of his professors but he had promised to meet them all there. Willow had left a note for Buffy at the house and she hoped that she got it.

"So you guys are back on I guess?" Willow asked Anya.

When she nodded Tara smirked. "But you kept your date with Spike, I saw you coming out of his room this morning."

Anya just smiled contentedly. "Well, why should I settle for just one when both my boys like to play together with me?" Willow shook her head and Tara grinned at Xander's uncomfortable shifting. "Although, I think Spike was giving Xander quite a pounding this morning, and they didn't even wake me up. Many an orgasm I've had just-"

"Ahn, honey, I think they get it, and I don't think Willow wants to hear Spike and pounding in the same sentence ever again.

Anya just shook her head then waved frantically. They all looked over to see Spike walking toward them with a satisfied smirk on his face.

"Speak of the devil," Willow muttered to Tara.

"Hey all. Hope you had a lovely day, but if you didn't, I'm about to help. Drinks on me!"

Xander made room for his friend and they all gave their orders to the waitress. "What are you so happy about, bleach boy?"

"I, my friend, have just been chosen as TA for Professor Wyndam-Price and the publishing company got back to us, they're going to publish some of my work, and most importantly of all, I asked Buffy out."

"That's great, Will, you've worked so hard." Spike smiled and leaned over to kiss Tara on the cheek.

"Thanks pet, couldn't have done it without you." He cleared his throat and looked up. "All of you guys, putting up with everything, taking on the housework I didn't do, and relieving the tension," he said in a lower tone, squeezing the legs of Anya and Xander.

"I do what I can," Anya said seriously before grabbing her drink from the waitress.

"So where is she?" Spike asked anxiously.

"Who?"

"Buffy, you lout, the girl I've been talking about all bloody day. The one you warned me off this morning."

Xander looked sheepish when Willow and Tara fixed their gazes on him. "Hey, I was just trying to urge him to use caution, you know how he jumps in full body and gets the full body cast to go with it after his heart's ripped out."

"Xander, you're always-"

"Xander's right, he's just-"

"Not you too, Anya!"

Tara pulled Spike back a bit and whispered in his ear, "you'll be fine, Will. This is just what you need. Everything's coming together, don't let Xander and Anya scare you away."

Spike smiled and placed a kiss on her temple. "I won't pet, thanks for having faith. I'm gonna go look for Buffy at the house, you tell everyone bye for me," he said, nodding his head toward the three still arguing over his love life.

"Yeah, see ya."

Spike turned and made his way out of the club. He was almost out of the alley by the door when Xander caught up to him. "Will, wait!"

Spike turned and smiled at his friend's red face. "What is it, whelp?"

"Listen, I'm sorry man, I'm not trying to scare you away from anything. Just saying use caution."

Spike smiled and backed Xander up against the wall of the alley. "I know, Xand, just hit a sore spot this morning. Thinking about the past, just gets to me sometimes."

"You were thinking about-" Xander paled for a minute. "Oh, and that's what got you? Oh."

Spike was confused. "What's wrong with that, I mean, shouldn't it be a compliment?"

"That I can still get you off when you're thinking about someone else? Don't think so, captain peroxide."

Xander moved to walk away but Spike shook his head and tried not to laugh while he pinned Xander to the wall with his legs, his hands on either side of his face. "I was thinkin' about us, you ponce, about virginal little William's first go with his friend." Xander relaxed and allowed Spike to kiss him deeply, rubbing their groins together in a motion that was more about comfort and security than sex. "I'd never do that to you, never wish you were someone else."

Xander shook his head at his own stupidity and kissed Spike again, softly. "Ok, sorry about that, just a little weird, with Anya and I back again and you liking this Buffy girl." Spike smiled at her name and Xander rolled his eyes. "You are so whipped, man! You haven't even known her for a week, haven't even taken her out and you're making googly eyes."

Spike growled and nibbled on Xander's ear. "Oh, Xand, you know I only make googly eyes for you," he said pressing his growing hardness against Xander's.

"Shut-up, go find Buffy and have her take care of that for you. Anya's waiting inside for me, she'll know, and she doesn't like it if she's not included."

Spike kissed him again and backed off, walking down the alley he yelled back, "I'm whipped?! Look who's talking."

Xander laughed and turned to go back inside when he was pushed back against the wall by someone much bigger than him. He looked up, make that someones.

"So what've we got boys? Another stupid faggot?"

Xander swallowed hard.

***

Spike made his way home and found Buffy just walking up the drive when he was.

"Hey, love, have a good day?"

Buffy looked startled for a moment then smiled warily at him. "Uh, yeah, pretty good. Got everything done, met somebody on campus." She felt a little bad for dropping that information, but a part of her wanted to see what he'd do.

"Oh." He was silent for a minute, trying to decide what that meant. "Uh, well, the gang's down at the Bronze, wanted you to come. I thought I'd come back and see if you wanted to go with me?"

Buffy could hear the uncertainty in his voice and wondered what kind of game he was playing. He was sleeping with Anya, and asking her out, and she wasn't quite sure what the deal with Xander was. If they were such good friends, why did he sleep with the girl Xander was in love with. She was confused, and now a little pissed off.

"Actually, I'd rather just stay home, I had a long day. I should call Riley back, too."

"Riley?" What the fuck? Didn't he just ask her out this morning and she'd already made plans with someone else. Maybe Xander was right.

"Yeah, the guy I met today, he wants me to go with him somewhere tomorrow."

"I see."

They had reached the door and Buffy went to unlock it, but Spike stayed her hand. "But... I mean, I thought... Look, were you serious this morning, and if you were, why are you doing this?"

She could see he was hurt, his eyes spoke volumes. She was surprised that he hadn't learned to build a hefty wall around himself after all he'd been through. "I don't think I'm the one who's being all mixed signally."

"What? What the bloody hell are you talking about?"

Now she really was mad, he was going to deny it, deny sleeping with someone and then asking her out, and then probably sleeping with Anya again before the actual date. "You tell me, I see Anya skipping out of your room half-dressed this morning just after you go all nice and shy on me. What am I supposed to think?"

Spike didn't know what to say. His relationships were complicated, she wouldn't understand any of the arrangements he had with the people he lived with, she just didn't know them all well enough.

His silence was pissing her off even more. "If you get to sleep with other people, I think I should get to at least go on dates."

"Look, pet, it's not what you-" he was cut off by his cell phone. "Hold on a minute, I'll explain." He turned his back on her, "what?!"

Buffy tapped her foot and watched him answer his phone. She noticed him tense.

"He what?" he asked, softer, obviously nervous. "Just, just slow down, pet, what happened?" Buffy was concerned now, his voice was shaking, and whoever was on the phone sounded really upset. "Yeah, 'course, I'll be right there, just stay calm, luv."

He turned around and she could see tears forming in his eyes. "Can you... I need a ride to the hospital, Buffy."

She grabbed her keys and pulled a shocked Spike toward her car. "What's wrong?"

He was shaking when he sat down. "Xander."

A/N: Let the spuffiness begin.

-Bob Dylan, Temporary Like Achilles

The drive to the hospital was mostly silent. Buffy didn't really understand what had happened, she just knew it was bad and Xander was involved. If she had doubted the loyalty that Spike had for his friend before, none of that was left now.

Spike's shaking hands dug out his pack of cigarettes and his lighter. He moved to light it then looked over at Buffy. "Mind, pet?"

She did actually, but by the look of him, she figured he needed it more than she needed her car's interior's current vanilla scent intact. "No, go ahead."

He rolled down the window and exhaled a shaky but large cloud of smoke. Every few seconds he would run his hand through his hair in a gesture Buffy would have found adorable if the situation wasn't so dire. "Do you know what happened?"

Spike shook his head and tossed the butt of his smoke out the window before rolling it back up. Buffy didn't ask any more questions.

***

"Spike, oh God, I'm glad you're here." Willow flung herself into her brother's arms as soon as he stepped inside the waiting room.

"Shh, shh, pet, I've got you, shh." Buffy watched as Spike soothed his sister, rubbing her back and cooing meaningless but powerful endearments in her ear. Tara stood awkwardly by until Spike looked up and opened his other arm to welcome her into his embrace. Both women were crying into his chest and Buffy wasn't surprised to see tears of his own forming.

She suddenly felt very much like she was intruding. The love these people had for each other went beyond familial bonds or mere friendship, they were connected at a raw primal level that obviously felt the loss of the missing two.

They seemed to calm a bit at Spike's words and when he kissed both their heads and pulled back slightly they were able to form coherent sentences again. "What happened, luv? I didn't get anythin' from Anya other than the fact it was bad. How is he?"

Tara pulled them both into chairs and took a deep breath to steady herself. "I don't know what happened exactly, he went out to talk to you and the next thing we know Cordelia's hysterical telling us that Xander's outside beaten to a bloody pulp."

Spike's jaw clenched. "They see who did it?"

Tara ran a soothing hand down his back. "Calm down, the cops arrested some people, but I think you can guess who they are."

Spike stood abruptly at this and Willow got up behind him, she motioned for Tara to stay and followed her brother outside. "Spike... William, wait."

Spike turned back to Willow and she could see the fresh tears in his eyes. "They fucking saw us, then?"

Willow swallowed then nodded slowly. "Must have, I thought they'd left, Spike. Anya said you took care of them."

"Fuck!" he raged, kicking an unsuspecting garbage can down the alley outside the hospital. "I bloody well thought I had. I try to get away from all this shit and I keep getting sucked back in." He paced a bit, his leather duster flapping behind him. "I made a lot of mistakes, a fucking lot of them, but I don't understand why it always affects someone else."

"Jenny wasn't-"

"Yes she bloody well was!" his voice broke and he looked his sister directly in the eyes. "She was, and so were you. I made this happen, I fucked up and now Xander's paying for something that's always been my fault."

"That's shit, Will, and you know it."

Spike laughed bitterly and slid down the wall to sit on the ground. "I love you, but you don't know the fucking half of it."

Willow was heartened by his softer tone, his temper was unpredictable at times, but once he'd raged for a bit he'd soften and anger rarely returned quickly. She moved to sit next to him and pulled his head to rest on her shoulder. "Tell me then."

Spike shuddered and grasped at Willow's hand. "You know there was a time when nobody bothered us, nobody knew. Xander and I could fuck Anya in the janitor's closet together at school or in Xander's basement and no one would be the wiser."

Willow desperately hoped this had a point and Spike wasn't just going to mope about sex and Xander, 'cause hey, not one for thinking of her brother or her brother in all but blood and sex in a janitor's closet on a whim.

"After Tara, after everything, when Xander and Anya welcomed me back, I didn't think I could feel worse than I already did. Thought being with them would make everything easy again, just had to keep it secret, make sure no one found out. We weren't just poofs, Anya was in the mix as well, we didn't fit in with anyone." Willow remembered when Spike had confided his secret relationship with their friends to her. She hadn't been very surprised about Xander and William, but the whole threesome thing threw her. She didn't understand how three people could love each other equally, but she knew it was possible. Even if Tara wouldn't admit it, Willow knew she was still in love with William. She had to content herself with the fact that she'd been the one to be chosen, even if that didn't mean she'd gained all of Tara's heart.

"Remember when they found out? Remember what they did to him?"

"Will, that wasn't your fault."

"Yes it was. He said we should wait, go somewhere else. His fucking shitfaced parents were home, just up the bloody stairs, and I said

"And when they found us... Downstairs on that ratty old couch of his. He grabbed me and threw me outside, half bloody naked." Spike shuddered and Willow held him tighter. "I could hear them, they locked the goddamn door and I could hear them, what they were doing to him..." Spike's sobbing halted his narrative. "I couldn't get inside, Willow, I couldn't do a damn thing to help him."

Willow wrapped her arms around him and held him while he cried out his confession. Xander hadn't told her that Spike had been there with him, she never knew how they had found out, just took it all for granted, but now it made much more sense. Spike had come home frantic saying that something had happened to Xander but he refused to go to the house. Things were so hectic that she'd never thought much about it.

Spike calmed a little while later. "It's happening again, except this time I'm both the reason the wrong people know and the reason they care in the first place."

He stood up and pulled Willow with him. "I've got to clean some things up about this, but I can't do anything until I know Xander's ok." Willow nodded and moved to go back inside while Spike lit up another cigarette. "I swear to you, I'm really gonna do it this time, no loose ends, I promise."

Willow stopped, but didn't turn around. "I know."

"Red?"

"Yeah?"

"Please... Please don't tell Tara. She already sees what a fuck-up I've become, she doesn't need-"

"Spike she wouldn't-"

"Just don't," he said, and when Willow turned she could see him wiping furiously at the tears on his face. "Just don't, for me."

She sighed softly and nodded. "Yeah, of course I won't."

Spike nodded and took a long drag as Willow walked back inside to check on things.

***

Buffy had been sitting awkwardly with Tara for about twenty minutes before she finally got the courage to ask her one of the billions of questions on her mind.

"I hope you don't mind me asking," Tara looked up at her expectantly, "but what the hell is going on?"

Tara laughed a little, though her smile didn't reach her eyes and the sound was a little brittle. "Well, I'm not exactly certain, but even if I was, I think Spike would have to tell you."

"Oh." Buffy sat for a few minutes longer. "Do you think he would? Tell me, I mean." Tara looked over at her and Buffy felt like an ass. "I mean... Sorry, it's really none of my business, I guess."

Tara shook her head and put a hand over Buffy's. "It's fine, I'd be wondering too. We've all just met, but you are living with us, and you've already heard the sad tale of Tara and the Giles siblings..." Tara tried to gather her thoughts. "I- I just think that Spike wouldn't want you to hear it from anyone but him."

Buffy was about to ask about Anya's relationship to Spike and Xander but Willow walked in and sat between them.

"Where's Spike?"

"He's smoking, probably will be needing a few packs tonight. He's taking this really hard. Have you heard anything new?"

Tara shook her head and Willow looked at Buffy. "I think maybe he'd like to see you." Buffy looked uncomfortable for a moment and Willow put a hand on her arm. "I'm not saying you should jump my brother now or even talk to him, but when things happen like this, he likes to have people around."

"Don't you think he'd rather see you two, I mean, I barely know the guy."

"Yeah, but, he likes you, a lot. We've had enough time together tonight, and we've had some pretty heavy conversation, he needs a calming presence, and I've already got dibs on Tara."

Buffy smiled a little at that and stood up. "Ok, but I'm not good for much more than sitting by and saying nothing, especially nothing helpful, I mean Buffy and comfort: non-mixy things."

Willow and Tara both smiled tiredly. "Well that's perfect then, because Spike and comfort words: not of the even remotely good."

Buffy took a deep breath and walked outside.

***

She found him with a bloody fist and a face covered in tears.

"What did you do to yourself?" She whispered as she took his hand in hers and tried to pick out the larger chunks of concrete.

He pulled his fist away gently and turned away from her. "I'm sorry 'bout all this. Our problems shouldn't have to inconvenience you."

Buffy put a hand on his back and felt him stiffen then relax. "I don't mind being inconvenienced when you're involved."

Spike turned to look at her and the sheer vulnerability in his eyes at that moment took her breath away. She couldn't help but take him in her arms and stroke his back. "Shhh, it's ok, tell me what's going on."

She tugged him toward a crate near the door and sat him down next to her, never removing her arms from him. "I can't, it's too bloody much."

Buffy stroked the hair on the back of his neck and was startled for a moment at the thought that the idea of comforting him didn't bother her near as much as it did when she considered any other single person in his place. "Ok, why don't you just explain you and Xander."

Spike sighed and clutched her tighter to him. "Got an open mind, pet?"

"Any opener and my brains would be spilling out."

He nodded. "Things're complicated, I know I've said it before, but they really are." He took a deep breath and continued. "Xander and I, well he's my best friend, been there for sodding ever, there for Red too. I'd say I loved him like a brother but it's more than that."

Buffy had a feeling she knew where he was headed. A few looks and touches she'd observed started to click into place. "You're lovers." Spike looked up into her eyes to gauge her reaction when he nodded. She smiled reassuringly at him. "Did you think I was going to freak out?" Off of his sheepish look she giggled a bit. "I live across the hall from lesbians, I spent half of last night in their room with them, I think I can deal with some more gay lovin' going on downstairs."

"It's not just that, luv, I did ask you out this morning."

"So does this mean you were just looking for a beard?" Now that would be a little problematic, she thought he was genuinely interested. And, again, what the fuck was the deal with Anya?

"No, oh God no, pet, 'course not." He brushed a strand of hair out of her eyes and touched his forehead to hers. "Think you're bloody amazing, luv, and this thing with Xander, it's not very conventional."

He pulled back and she caught her breath, she was a little shaken by the intimate gesture. "So, um, how does Anya-" she stopped. "Oh."

"Yeah," he said, grinning a little bit too wide for her tastes. "Her too. I think you must have looked away too quick to see his sad, shaggy head peek out."

"Why don't you explain this 'not very conventional' thing you have with them to me."

Spike shifted so that she was positioned with her legs over his lap and their arms still around each other. "Xander and I had a bit of a thing while Anya was gone, then after Tara and I ended things, they both asked if I'd like to join them. Bit of comfort, more about friendship than romance."

"I don't usually sleep with my friends and their boyfriends though."

"Well, I told you, not very conventional." They both smiled at that and Spike leaned his head in closer. "I don't wanna be your friend, Buffy."

She considered playing dumb and making him spell things out, but his nearness was doing things to her that she'd forgotten happened. "What about your comfort buddies."

Spike snorted and leaned in even closer. "They're just waiting for me to find somebody so they can comfort each other monogamously for many years to come."

Buffy was trying to think of something clever to say but all that came out was, "oh." Then Spike's lips were on hers in the softest kiss she could remember.

They were hesitant and gentle, content to just explore with lips and the barest hint of tongue. Spike's hand slid slowly up her thigh and she let out a soft moan. He opened his mouth a bit wider and-

"Spike, it's Xander, he's awake!"

A/N: Thanks for all the reviews so far, I'm glad people aren't too put off by the strange pairings and circumstances. I know it's all mysterious now, but all will be explained in due time. Hopefully it's suspenseful and not just annoying. Let me know what you think.

"I got mixed up confusion
Man, it's a-killin' me

Well, there's too many people
And they're all too hard to please

Well, my hat's in my hand
Babe, I'm walkin' down the line

An' I'm lookin' for a woman
Whose head's mixed up like mine

Well, my head's full of questions
My temp'rature's risin' fast

Well, I'm lookin' for some answers
But I don't know who to ask

But I'm walkin' and wonderin'
And my poor feet don't ever stop

Seein' my reflection
I'm hung over, hung down, hung up!"
-Bob Dylan, "Mixed Up Confusion"

Most of what happened after Willow's announcement was a blur to Buffy. Spike had immediately moved to stand, but their position made it impossible for him to do so without dumping her onto the street. He looked apologetic and helped her to stand along with him and gripped her hand tightly as he ran into the hospital behind his sister. They arrived at Xander's room and Buffy squeezed Spike's hand then let him go, giving him a reassuring smile. He looked grateful and then he was at his friend's side.

Anya, Spike and Xander came together kissing, hugging, and crying. Tara and Willow allowed them a few moments alone before they joined in, this time with a comparatively conspicuous lack of tongue. Buffy wasn't sure she should be in the room with them, let alone join in, so she backed out a bit and stood near the door but outside unless anyone needed anything.

She could hear Spike inside, his broken voice crying out endearments that simultaneously made her blush and her heart ache for them.

"My bloody, beautiful, boy... Oh, mate, thought I'd lost you. I'm so fucking sorry, Xand, so sorry, I love you mate, didn't mean for it to happen."

Xander's assurances that it wasn't Spike's fault didn't lead Buffy to believe that all of his apologies were stemming from an irrational but common guilt people felt when their loved ones were injured while they were separated. She didn't understand why Spike was so upset, or even what exactly had happened. Xander was beat up, apparently by someone who had done it before, or someone who the whole group, or maybe just Spike, judging by his reaction, knew.

This was all too confusing and mysterious, and by the way they were all carrying on and not laying blame, she probably wouldn't find out unless she flat out asked one of them. Though she was getting more curious by the second, she wasn't about to do that. This whole situation was making it more and more clear that she wasn't even close to the level of frienship and intimacy these people shared, she couldn't remember a single relationship in her past that came anywhere close to what these five had.

She watched as Tara and Willow finished up assuring themselves of Xander's well-being. They came out of his room with tearful but hope filled faces.

"So, everything's alright then?" Buffy asked softly.

"Well, he's got some broken ribs, a dislocated shoulder, quite a few cuts and scrapes and a concussion, but he should be fine soon, no permanent damage."

"That's a relief."

The couple let out a large sigh and nodded. "Yeah, I don't know what we would have done if it was anything worse. I've never seen Anya like that."

"You mean quiet and reflective?" Tara said softly with a hint of amusement dancing in her eyes.

Both Buffy and Willow smiled at that. "Well, she's back to normal now. She's already made a list of questions for the doctor, number one being when can Xander resume giving her mind-blowing orgasms."

There was a comfortable silence for a minute and Buffy knew she had found good friends in these two even if they came with a lot of baggage.

"We're going to head back to the house, do you want to come with us, or... Well I guess you brought your car, so..."

Buffy could tell Willow was extra curious about what she had interrupted outside, but apparently she was as reticent as Buffy about being straightforward.

"I guess I should wait for Spike, I mean, I brought him here." She looked back into the room and caught the object of discussion in a heated embrace with his unconventional friends. "Or maybe he's already got other plans."

The sad tone wasn't missed by the other two. Tara put a hand on Buffy's arm and smiled warmly at her when she looked up. "It's not so simple as that."

Buffy looked down uncomfortably. "He's told me as much. Even so," she paused and looked Tara in the eye pointedly, "I can't compete with his past. He's got a lot of it that he hasn't let go."

Tara looked guilty only for a second. "That's because he's never had a reason to. He's been jerked around from girl to girl, and none of them have ever given him what he deserved."

Willow placed her hand on top of Tara's over Buffy's arm. "We haven't known you for that long, Buffy, but sometimes you can just tell about somebody. Tara and I both feel it. There's something about you, and about Will when he's with you."

"You could break him right now if you wanted to, he's given you that much already, but I don't think you will. It's an aura thing, you've got a good one, constantly changing as it is, I always see something good when he's concerned."

Buffy was floored by their confidence in her, and a little weirded out. How could they possibly see those things in her when she lost herself when she was around him. The attraction to Spike was immediate and electric, they had both felt it, but that could easily be owed to lust. He was sex on legs, and she could tell he was thinking something similar about her, but did it mean anything more than that?

Tara must have sensed her confusion because she was quick to place a soothing hand on her cheek. "We're not asking you to marry him, or even date him if you don't want to, but he's not very hard to figure out when he starts to like someone, really truly like them, mostly because he doesn't do it very often, and I know that he feels a lot for you. It's fast, but I knew the second I saw Willow, and look how that turned out."

Buffy remained a little overwhelmed but she was calmer now, the trust Tara and Willow were placing in her was big, important, and a little scary, but she never backed down from a challenge. She'd been wary of love, being hurt only once before, though it was severe, but if Spike could take all the abuse she'd heard about, let alone whatever he went through with Dru, and still throw himself out there, she could too.

"Yeah, ok. I can give it a go." She looked at Willow, "he said he didn't want to be friends."

"Oh, shit," she said, giggling and pulling Tara closer. "Little William's got it bad."

***

By the time Willow and Tara finally left, after giving Buffy a few tips and tricks for when dealing with Spike and continually giggling about Spike's wish to never pursue a platonic relationship, Buffy was tired and achy from a long day. She looked into Xander's room and saw all three together on the bed (now that had to be against hospital policy) gently touching each other in a way that seemed to Buffy to be about reassurance that they were all still there.

She decided to get some coffee and give Spike a little bit longer with them before she asked if he wanted a ride. Twenty minutes later they hadn't moved, except now Spike was the only one still awake. He watched over his lovers with such a look of devotion that Buffy began to seriously doubt that Spike needed her at all. The more she considered it, and the more she watched Spike's gentle caresses and loyal, protective gaze, the more Buffy was moved to suggest friendship.

She watched him silently for thirty whole minutes before she made a decision. There wasn't a final gesture on his part that drove the point home, but she couldn't bear the thought of breaking up the threesome. Spike had said that they wanted him to move on, but after Xander's accident, she didn't think they needed him doing that just yet.

She could be his friend, he'd accept that, even if he didn't want to. She didn't want to hurt him, but being there for him as a girlfriend, or anything more than a simple friend wasn't possible for her, he was needed and loved too much to be taken away. And there was no way she could give him the affection, attention, and care that Xander and Anya could.

It was settled. Frienship, that's all, no matter how much she wanted Spike, she wasn't about to let a sexual attraction fuck up a good relationship before it got off the ground, again.

***

"Spike," Buffy whispered softly, mindful of the two sleeping next to him.

He looked over and smiled a wide but sleepy smile when his eyes met hers. "Hey, luv. Tara and Red leave then?"

She nodded and he turned back to the two on the bed, kissed them both softly on the brow, even more so where Xander was concerned and stood up to lead her outside. "Sorry I was in there for so long. Just got kinda caught up talking about things."

Once they were outside the room and the door was shut softly, Spike pulled Buffy to him and buried his face in her hair. "God, pet, been such a long night." His hands stroked her back softly and he nuzzled the hair away from her neck to place soft kisses there. "Missed you in there, luv, Xander was wonderin' where you'd run off to."

Whatever spell he'd had her under with his soft touch and softer kisses was washed away with a bucket of ice water upon the mention of Xander. She pushed him back gently and he looked confused though content for the moment to hold her at arms length.

"Spike, we have to-"

He pulled her back to his chest and shook his head. "Shh, none of that. It's not like that, Buffy. I explained it all." He went back to nuzzling her neck, but she could feel the these more desperate moves and his earlier languid, sleepy ones.

Buffy might have changed her mind if she couldn't smell Anya's perfume on him, or if she hadn't seen the way Spike went pale the second he thought Xander might have been hurt. She allowed him to continue holding her close, but she refused to give in all the way.

"Spike, they need you, and you need them."

"No, Buffy, they have each other, I need you." When she didn't respond immediately, Spike sighed. "I know, pet, I know, it's so soon, how could I feel that way, you don't feel that way, but, if you just give me a chance, Buffy."

He pulled back and looked into her eyes, trying with all that he had left after the emotionally wrecking day to convey all he felt for her without words. "I'm just asking for a chance, luv." He bent forward slowly and touched his lips to hers. She tried to resist them, she really, really did, but they were so soft, and they so perfectly molded to hers. She might have been able to pull away momentarily if his wicked tongue hadn't begun to tease her lips apart and insinuate itself in between them.

She moaned and he echoed her before deepening the kiss and changing the mood from quiet hesitancy to desperate need. She responded now with as much intensity as he had. They finally broke apart when air became an issue, but Spike wasn't going to let her analyze anything while they caught their breath. He made his way down her jaw to the soft flesh behind her ear, briefly sucking and making her moan in a way that shot straight to his groin.

"Buffy, baby, you make the sexiest sounds." He moved to her neck and licked his way back up to her jaw. "Let's go home, pet." She stiffened a bit and though his mouth didn't pause, his hands stroked her at a more comforting, less demanding pace. "Nothing too naughty, luv. Just want to hold you all night, too tired to do much else I'm afraid."

He sucked once more behind her ear and when she arched her body into his she didn't think his cock agreed with the whole "too tired" thing.

The feel of his length against her stomach and his lips back on hers made the whole friendship thing seem ridiculous. No way in hell could they ever be friends. The attraction was too hot to be ignored, she was ready for him the second he laid his too sexy, too blue eyes on her. She pressed herself against him tighter and he groaned, rubbing his erection against her slowly.

"Oh, baby, feel what you do to me, feel how much I want you." His hands found her ass and pushed her even closer. "Can we, Buffy, can we please?"

She was nodding before she realized it, her hands found their way under his shirt and she rubbed his nipples making him groan even louder than before. The fact that they were in a hospital waiting room and that Buffy had made the firm decision not to travel down this road with him was all but forgotten.

Until Anya's voice cut through the haze of lust and struck Buffy like a fist.

"I guess Xander doesn't have to stay the night after all, Spike. So you ready to go?"

Buffy sprang away from Spike as if he had burned her and held a shaking hand up to her lips. They stared at each other, Buffy with shock at the realization she'd let things go so far after her pep talk about not allowing Spike loving, and Spike with hope that he'd proved friendship wasn't it for them.

When Buffy finally met his eyes, he knew he'd failed. She was more closed off than before, steely resolve the only thing he could see. His heart sunk and he instinctually made a move to get her to stay. Buffy flinched away and then let out a breath.

"I'm sorry, Spike." She had to look away from his eyes before she could continue. "You've got enough to deal with already without adding me to the mix."

"Buffy-"

"I'll see you later." She turned and walked away quickly, trying to keep from running back to him and saying fuck it all, fuck friends, fuck responsibility, fuck the fact she'd probably have to share him with Xander and Anya. She didn't turn around though.

Spike watched her leave and then turned and glared at Anya. She had the decency to look sheepish. "Sorry, I didn't look up before I walked out. Though, in all fairness, a place this public isn't the best choice if you want to seduce someone who isn't too sure about it."

Spike just sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "You got your car here?" When Anya nodded he stood up straight. "Let's go then, I don't wanna be alone tonight."

Anya just nodded and patted his arm before going to deal with all the paperwork necessary to get Xander released.

***

The whole way home, Buffy replayed the night in her mind. She decided then that she hated her brain. She thought through the situation with Spike so many times, it made no sense to her anymore. The only thing she knew for sure was that she wanted him.

If it were a purely sexual thing, she would just call up Riley and pursue something there. He seemed nice, and he was her usual type. She'd go on a few dates, and that would be it. She wouldn't be lonely, she wouldn't have to deal with the bizarre sexual practices of her boyfriend, just nice, normal Riley.

Shit. Fuck that.

***

Spike was upset. He was frustrated, he was confused, and he was lonely as fuck. Xander and Anya had retired to their room and left him to wonder what the hell had changed Buffy's mind between the alley and their confrontation in the waiting room.

He thought that he had explained everything. He wasn't going to be with them if they were together, he wasn't even with them purely to get laid. He realized that his relationship with Anya and Xander was strange, and that most people wouldn't understand that they couldn't stand for Spike to be lonely anymore than he could. They were there for each other, they loved each other, but Xander and Anya were the couple. Spike was a third wheel, even if he was a very well lubed one.

"Peace offering?"

Spike looked over to see a battered Xander being dragged into his room by a determined and guilty looking Anya.

"Don't think any of us are up to anything much, sweetheart, but I'd love the company."

The uninjured parties helped Xander into Spike's bed and lay down next to him, mindful of his injuries, but also of his need to feel them close.

Anya grabbed onto Spike's hand that was resting on Xander's chest. "I'm really sorry."

Spike smiled softly. It wasn't often Anya admitted that she was wrong, it was even rarer for her to be so sincere about it. "I know, pet, I know. Not your fault." He sighed and looked away until he felt her hand on his face. "She just doesn't want to deal with all of this. How can I bloody blame her?"

Anya didn't have any idea of what to say to that so she just stroked his cheek and leaned in to kiss him.

***

Okay, she could admit it. Spike wasn't going anywhere until she at least attempted something. Buffy angrily pushed the sheets off of her body and stood, pulling on a robe and stomping out into the hall. She could explain the issues, and they'd deal.

It wasn't like he was going to sleep with them while he was trying to be with her.

***

Spike and Anya weren't aware when exactly the kiss had changed from pure friendly comfort to a need they both had to satisfy. All the tension, fear, anger, and guilt they had experienced throughout the day was finally getting a chance to surface. Xander wasn't about to wake up after the pain medication they'd given him kicked in, even with the commotion around him.

Spike pulled the shirt Anya had been wearing up and over her head and she straddled him. "Please, pet, let me in, please."

Spike rarely had sex with Anya when Xander wasn't around, and they'd only done it a few times when Anya was with Xander as a couple. She looked into his eyes and saw the same emotions she'd been bombarded with since she found Xander outside the Bronze and knew that he needed it as much as she did. She sank down onto his shaft and they began to rock together, their foreheads touching.

"We won't leave you, we'll never leave you alone," she whispered

Spike nodded against her and kissed her softly, amazed at the depth of feeling this woman had, who most people assumed thought of nothing but the stock market and the best way to achieve orgasm.

"Love you too, pet."

***

Buffy took a deep breath outside Spike's door and steeled herself. Second decision of the night, and she was pretty sure she could stick to this one. She knocked softly, but got no answer.

"Spike," she whispered, "it's Buffy."

She thought she heard something along the lines of "come in." She opened the door and decided to immediately begin her apology.

"Listen, Spike, I'm-" She looked up at the exact moment Anya and Spike did the same. There was a silent, tense filled second and then they all started to speak at once.

"Buffy, it's not what-"

"He really likes you, I swear!"

"I think I should go."

Anya pushed herself off of Spike and grabbed the sheet to cover herself and Spike made to move for his pants.

"Buffy, please, let me ex-"

She held up a hand, "no, nothing to explain, you already told me everything. I just made a mistake, won't happen again."

She turned and walked away from him for the second time that night, but Spike wasn't about to make the same mistake of not chasing after her. He picked up his pants and tugged them on casting an apologetic glance at Anya who shrugged it off.

"Go find her."

A/N: Sorry, this is a short post, but it's purely Spuffy, so that explains why. Spike's past begins to play a major role by the next chapter, and things begin to be explained, even if the real mystery of Dru isn't revealed until chapter 20. God, that's a long way off. For now content yourself with a shitload of smut to come (heh) that will balance out the angst of a perilous life history.

-Bob Dylan, "Simple Twist of Fate"

Spike found Buffy outside on the back porch watching the stars silently. He took a deep breath and walked out to sit next to her on the swing hanging there. They were both silent for a moment, Spike trying to figure out what he could possibly say to fix the mess he'd gotten himself into, and Buffy willing herself not to cry in front of him.

She just didn't understand why he had gone to bed with Anya after everything he'd said to her. Granted she did walk away from him and tell him nothing could come of it, but dammit, if he cared as much about her as he claimed to, it shouldn't be easy for him to just slip into bed with someone else. The look in his eyes when she had pulled away had been one of the reasons she'd changed her mind. He seemed so sincere, so loving, so heartbroken. If he had truly been any of those things he would have been too upset to fuck someone else, especially if that was the reason she couldn't be with him.

Then again, if what all he said was true, Anya and Xander were there for comfort, to stave off the loneliness he'd felt before and after Tara. If the look in his eyes was any indication, he'd be terribly lonely and upset tonight. Her rejection of him coupled with the near loss of Xander must have taken a major toll on him, and Anya for that matter. They weren't getting crazy with monkey loving as far as she could tell, it looked incredibly intimate and subdued, something born of high emotion and love.

Buffy realized then that either way they weren't right for each other. Either he didn't really care for her, or she couldn't care enough to take over two people's places in his life. Especially if those two people knew him better than anyone but Tara and Willow.

Spike desperately wanted to know what Buffy was thinking. He knew that he had explained the situation to her, and that the fact that he slept with Anya and Xander because he pretty much always had must have lessened the blow a bit, but he still felt terribly guilty. If he had known there was a single bloody chance she'd change her mind ever, he would stay alone for as long as it took. The second she said the word, Xander and Anya could be your everyday typical couple, but he wasn't about to give up the love of his friends for something that would never be.

"Buffy, for what it's worth, I'm sorry."

He didn't dare look at her for fear of seeing the revulsion in her eyes, but when she touched his hand softly he glanced up. "I know, and even if it doesn't change much, I understand what happened."

Spike sighed and shook his head, he'd rather she scream at him, or never talk to him again, anything but accept his apology and still shut him down. The more she accepted him without disgust, the harder he fell for her. Apparently though, it was going to come to nothing, and his heart was going to be shattered before it even fully healed again.

"I know, pet, figured as bloody much."

"Spike-"

"No, 's ok, luv, I get it." He stood angrily, though all of it was directed at himself and ran his hand roughly through his hair. "I'm sorry about all this, Buffy, I really am. God, I'm such a poncey shit, I can't do this."

"Can't do what?"

He turned to face her and knelt down putting his hands on either side of her and looking straight into her eyes. "I know that I look like I'm full of shit, and after tonight, you've got absolutely no reason to want anything to do with me at all, let alone pursue some kind of relationship, but dammit, Buffy, I haven't felt this way about somebody this fast in soddin' ever." He paused and ruffled his hair again in what Buffy was beginning to understand as a nervous gesture.

"I care about you, a lot. I know I've known you for only so long, but there's somethin' about you. Your eyes, the way you know just when and were to touch me when I'm upset. Only been one other person that got to me like you do, but her eyes weren't like yours."

Buffy couldn't keep looking at him when he spoke to her like that. She wondered if he knew that she had intimate knowledge about the girl he was speaking of. It was strange to know so much about him and have him know so little about her, especially when he was the one professing a possibility of love.

"Spike, please don't-"

"No, Buffy, I can't stop this. I can't help being content when you're around and anxious when you're not. Today, or, I guess yesterday, started out as one of the best in my life, and then everything went to absolute shit. When I think that maybe I could have made something of it and I fucked it up for something that means a lot but I could have done without, it tears me up inside."

Buffy finally ditched passivity and brought her hands up to cup his face. "I don't want you to think that I'm not wanting you just as much. I am, Spike, I feel the same about you, and it scares the shit out of me that I look somebody in the eyes and I want to throw everything away to be with them."

"Love at first sight, pet."

Buffy smiled at that and bent down to kiss him softly. He tried to deepen it but she pulled away. "I don't think either of us knows what we're getting into with this." She tugged on his arms and he came to sit next to her, pulling her legs over his lap and wrapping his arms around her. She rested her head on his chest and closed her eyes. "What if we give in, and something happens, and Xander and Anya are off somewhere else physically or emotionally, and you've got nobody for the first time in a long time."

"I don't ca-"

"I do," she said interrupting him. "I can't bear the thought of you alone after all you've been through."

"What do you mean?"

Oh, shit. Guess he didn't know about our little chat. "Umm, I kind of talked to Willow and Tara. They told me some things. Well a lot of things I guess."

Spike stiffened and his arms fell limply to his sides. Buffy looked up at him, expecting anger and finding to her confusion, a lot of fear and insecurity. "They tell you about Dru?"

"Umm, I guess a little, they kind of skirted around that time period a lot."

He let out a small breath and turned his head. "You're right, pet, you don't know what you're in for." He squeezed his eyes shut and then looked back at her. "I'm not a good man, Buffy."

"What?"

"I've done things, a lot of terrible things, and I've paid for them, though not as much as I should have."

"They told me that you were in with a bad crowd, but they also told me that you realized your mistakes and changed."

She pulled him close to her and his arms came back to hold her, though they were hesitant to do so. "Sometimes, no matter how much you want to, you can't take back what you've done, can't make up for some things."

"I know that. I know a lot about regret."

They sat silent for a moment, holding onto each other tighter and tighter as time went by. Eventually they had their faces buried in each other's necks breathing shallowly and wishing they could ignore reality.

"Tell me what you want, Buffy." She looked at him with her brow furrowed and he elaborated. "Tell me what you want in a man, not me, just in general."

Buffy thought for a moment then began. "I guess, I want what I know I shouldn't, and because I know I shouldn't, it makes it impossible to really want wholeheartedly." She chuckled against his shoulder. "Does that make any sense?"

"Yeah, perfect sense, luv."

"So in the end, if I don't want to feel guilty about anything, I just want stable, secure, and good. Just the normal stuff. He doesn't have to be perfect, just content with himself. I think you have to be able to be around yourself all the time before you can expect somebody else to do it. I think I'm still working on that part."

Spike squeezed her to him and tried to swallow the traitorous tears that threatened to fall. She couldn't want him, not the real him. He was barely holding on at this point. Barely able to live with his past and the demons that haunted him if he thought about himself too hard. Self-reflection was a real fear for Spike, he hated what he'd found. Either a sad, bookish, love sick fool that went by William, or a dangerous, sad, love sick fool who drank too much, smoked too much, and did too many drugs. He was an addict, an alcoholic, a killer, a whore, and the biggest fucking disappointment his father ever had the misfortune of begetting.

"Kinda what this Riley bloke sounds like."

To say Buffy was surprised was an understatement. There was no malice or jealousy in Spike's voice when he said Riley's name. Just an emotion she couldn't quite identify that made his voice thick and rough. "I guess." She looked into his eyes and saw that he was trying to keep something in, it hurt her, but she understood, and if she wasn't in love before, she was beyond it now.

"So, that's it then?" she whispered sadly, her cheek against his, no longer caring that tears were pooling in her hazel eyes.

He would do one bloody thing right in his life, he was going to make sure she had everything he couldn't give her, and it was going to fucking kill him. "Yeah, think it is, luv."

She pulled back and rested her forehead against his, like he had earlier in the night. "Will you change your mind about the friends thing. I don't wanna lose you completely."

Spike nodded against her. "'Course, kitten, don't wanna lose you either." Can't lose you, I fucking love you too much.

Together they leaned in and their lips touched. Like each time before it was soft at first, but the knowledge that in a way it was goodbye caused it to pick up intensity until Spike had her pinned to the porch and both their tears mingled on their faces.

When she pulled back, Spike didn't try to get her to stay, he just helped her stand and held her to him lightly as he catalogued her every feature with the knowledge that barring a miracle, he'd never be this close again. Finally they separated and he wiped away her tears with his thumbs.

"No crying now, baby. 'S for the best." He smoothed her hair and forced himself to stop touching her. "I'm always here, luv, you ever need anything."

She nodded and clasped her hands behind her back to keep from reaching out to him. "Yeah, me too, really Spike. You're not going to scare me away." He gave a brief nod and she turned to walk back into the house.

"Buffy?"

She turned around and saw him, still outside with his hand up against the screen. "If I ever get content with myself, I'm coming after you."

She smiled softly. "I'd be disappointed if you didn't."

***

A/N: I missed flashbacks, so they're back and they're kinky, so here's your warning. This fic is mostly about Spike trying to learn to live with a terrible past and forgiving himself. If he hadn't done anything terrible, he wouldn't have a problem, so first I've got to establish who he was. This chapter's just a bit of Spike getting his ass in gear. The next five or so will start to move very fast and things will start to fall into place a bit. Thanks to all who have reviewed, it makes my day, please don't stop. Hopefully I'll have the next chapter out by tomorrow at the latest.

-Bob Dylan, Just Like Tom Thumb's Blues

After her heart to heart on the porch with Spike, Buffy decided to dive head first into dating Riley and trying to get what she could never have out of her mind. Weeks passed, school began, and she saw very little of Spike. She couldn't tell if he was trying to avoid her or if they just had conflicting schedules. She hoped it was the latter as she still wanted to see him in a platonic capacity, even if it hurt them both a little.

By the third week and the fifth date with Riley, they decided to see each other in an official and exclusive manner. She was under no delusions that it was going to last forever, but he was nice and stable and gave her all the attention and space that she needed. She liked Riley, she really did, and sometimes she felt guilty dating him when, in her mind, there was no chance for a real commitment on her part, at least not emotionally. She still wanted Spike, but she was over the gloomy period of regret that things couldn't be different.

Her relationships with the others in the house progressed and she began to feel more welcome within the previously impenetrable make-shift family. Willow and Tara were still the closest to her, and after a while she felt like she could confide pretty much anything to them. Tara was quiet but firm when she needed to be, and she seemed to be the most understanding and forgiving of anyone she'd met. Willow was quirky and ambitious, but some of Tara's understanding must have rubbed off on her, plus, both of them had been close to Spike through whatever hell he'd lived through, and that must have forced a lot of compassion and tolerance on them. Buffy still wasn't sure what exactly had happened to him in the years after Tara left him, but she knew they'd been bad, both the things he'd done, and the things that had been done to him.

At first, Buffy was reticent about forming any relationship with Anya. She still felt a little jealous about the whole Spike situation, and she was a little put off by the bluntness of Anya's conversation. After Anya confronted Buffy about Spike and how sorry she was that things couldn't work out, while at the same time making Buffy slightly uncomfortable with some intimate knowledge of the whole house's sex lives, she'd warmed up to her considerably. Now Anya was her number one shopping buddy, and they'd even scheduled a double date with Xander and Riley.

Xander was intensely protective of Spike, but he seemed to realize that Spike's pain was paralleled by Buffy's, and that sometimes it wasn't anybody's fault. He became like an older brother to her, he made damn sure Riley was treating her right at every opportunity, though she could tell he was looking for a way to get her and Spike together. Both he and Anya, though they thought they were being stealthy and liked Riley well enough, were obviously plotting to help Spike into a new relationship with her.

By the third week of school Buffy was already swamped, she felt like she hadn't stopped for a moment since the semester started. Eighteen credit hours, plus the job hunting she'd been fruitlessly doing were enough to make Buffy decide to stay home that Friday and do nothing but sit on the couch and watch movies. Everyone else seemed to have plans, so that meant she could be alone. She didn't have to talk, entertain, or even move.

It was bliss.

"Buffy?"

Great, now it was just going to be uncomfortable.

"Yeah? I'm in here."

Spike strolled into the living room in sweat pants and nothing else. Buffy looked down to try to hide the flush that crept into her cheeks.

"Mind if I join you, pet? I'm a little knackered myself, haven't had a break since God knows when."

She avoided looking at him and scooted to the side of the couch making room. "Sure, though, I'm not very good company now. I'm too exhausted to do anything but sit and stare."

He sat down and propped his feet up on the coffee table. Buffy didn't exactly have a foot fetish, but some people should be legally required to wear shoes outside the bedroom. "'S alright. Pretty much the same here." They sat in silence for a moment, the only sound coming from the television. "Haven't seen you 'round much lately, how've you been?"

Most people wouldn't have been able to pick up on the underlying questions, but Buffy's hypersensitivity to anything Spike made her acutely aware of what he really wanted to know. She wasn't going to indulge him though, if he wanted to know about Riley, he'd have to be man enough to ask. "Just really busy, school and all. I've been trying to find a job, but I think I waited too long, everything's full. You?"

"Busy with the book and my TA duties, plus school on top of that. Keeps me busy, but I'm really happy with almost everything."

They let the last part hang in the air between them until Buffy was too uncomfortable to let it pass. "Spike, I really do want us to be friends."

He looked over at her and watched her pick at the blanket. "Me too, pet. What's the problem?"

She continued to avoid his eyes, as he'd pulled her in too many times already with them, and took a deep breath. "Just, I feel like ever since that night, we haven't even seen each other. I mean, I figured it was our schedules, but even so, I see everyone else at least occasionally."

He ran a hand through his hair and sighed. "Well... I mean," he sighed again. "Buffy, it's not as easy as all that."

"You think I don't know that?"

"Well you're the one who's making it sound like I'm avoiding you just because I'm a jackass. I'm trying to stay away until I know that I can be a friend to you, not just somebody that tries to convince you that you made the wrong decision all the time."

Buffy nodded. "So was tonight the grand unveiling of new friend Spike."

He chuckled and she felt the mood shift a bit into more comfortable territory. "Yeah, new friend Spike, here for all your girl's night in needs. I even have ice cream as a bit of a peace offering for the last few weeks."

"What kind?"

"Well, a few, Phish Food, Half Baked, Chubby Hubby, and plain old vanilla in case those were too adventurous for you."

"Offering accepted, you may now bring them to me to sample."

He laughed at her imperious tone and pulled himself off of the couch. "Demanding little chit, aren't you?"

"You were Mr. Avoidy, now you have to suffer the consequences."

"Yeah, yeah," he called back as he walked into the kitchen.

He returned a few minutes later with spoons and all the cartons of ice cream. They sat together and debated the merits of each combination while half watching television and half watching each other. It was as if nothing had ever been awkward between them and Buffy marveled at the way they had shifted from serious uncomfortable talk to an actual friendly night together. As the night progressed and they both grew more tired, Buffy didn't object when Spike pulled her over to rest her head in his lap. He ran his fingers lightly through her hair and tried to enjoy her closeness in a purely platonic way. There was a bit of longing, but Spike had had three weeks to pull himself out of pursuer mode and into friend mode. He wanted to be there for her and show her that he wanted to be there even if it wasn't exactly what he envisioned the first time he saw her.

Buffy loved the feeling of his hands in her hair, she knew she was indulging in a bit of a fantasy laying with him like that, but she didn't care. They weren't going to take it any farther, and she didn't feel guilty when Riley entered her thoughts. Spike was forbidden territory as far as she was concerned, and so a little friendly touching was just that, friendly.

"Buffy?"

"Yeah," she murmured, his hands felt wonderful and she wasn't able to really focus.

"How are things... I mean, between you and Riley."

She stiffened slightly and he held his hands still. "Umm, good I guess. It's not too terribly serious if that's what you're asking. I mean, we're together, I mean, exclusively, but, I'm not really looking for anything permanent with him."

Spike's hands began to move again and she closed her eyes. "Does he make you happy?"

She thought for a moment. "Yeah, for now he does."

They sat silently, watching the movie that had come on moments before and trying not to think too hard about the other. Spike was a mess of conflicting emotions. He wanted Buffy to be happy, so he was glad that Riley was good to her, but in the end, he really wanted to be the one to do it. He was glad that she wasn't looking for anything permanent, but at the same time he wished she was, that way he could stop hoping and just get on with life. It was confusing, and it took a lot of time before he finally exhausted himself thinking about it.

Hours later, Buffy had fallen asleep and he was beginning to nod off. Spike stood and picked up Buffy to carry her to her room. He tucked her in and stood back watching her for a moment. He allowed himself a small smile and kissed her hair.

"Night, luv."

***

Buffy allowed herself to sleep in the next morning, and by the time she awoke, she felt well-rested and ready to start the hectic pace of her life again. She called Riley to confirm their date with Xander and Anya that night. She was the happiest she'd been since she came to Sunnydale. Things were finally well-defined and normal between she and Spike, she finally felt comfortable and welcome with her new friends, and she had a considerate boyfriend.

There was very little that could make life better at this moment.

Buffy walked out into the kitchen and saw Spike slowly sipping a cup of tea while reading the paper. He looked adorable with his sleep tousled hair. She smiled and poured herself some coffee and he smiled back. "Mornin' luv, sleep well?"

"Oh yeah. I finally feel like I can get through today without wishing for a nap."

"I know what you mean, I haven't slept-in in what feels like forever." They sat in a comfortable silence for a while sipping their drinks. "So what are you up to today, pet?"

"Not much, going out tonight with Riley and Xander and Anya."

Spike looked up at this. "Like...like a double date thing?"

He sounded weird, but she couldn't tell exactly what he was feeling. "Umm, yeah, I guess."

"Oh." She looked up to see him open his mouth a few times as if to say something, but then shut it again. The moment he touched his hair she knew he was agitated.

"Is something wrong?"

Spike looked up and she could see a brief glimpse of the hurt in his eyes before he covered it up. "No, 'course not, why would anything be wrong." He went to close the paper but he knocked his tea over. She watched him jerkily move around trying to clean up his mess. Finally he finished and made his way out of the kitchen without another word to her.

"Well that was weird, what the hell is his problem?"

***

"You're going on a bloody double date with her and that ponce?!" Spike was pacing in Xander's room while he and Anya sat on the bed facing the brunt of Spike's wrath.

"It's not like she doesn't go on dates with him without us, why are you so pissed off now?"

"Because you two are supposed to be my friends! I know this is childish, but I don't care." He continued to pace though he was visibly trying to calm himself down. "I'm having a hard enough bloody time as it is not going crazy seeing how happy some other bloke makes her, then you two go and act like it's fine, like we all accept this wanker as one of us!"

Xander and Anya shook their heads and sighed in unison. "Listen, Spike, you were the one who told us to make Buffy feel welcome, and I for one really enjoy her company while shopping. She's the only one around here who seems to get as excited as I do about exchanging money for fabulous shoes. It's like she loves the economy almost as much as she loves her art, and when living with a bunch of artists, it gets a little lonely being the only one who loves money-"

"Ahn, back on topic."

"Fine, let's talk more about how Spike is too insecure to actually go out and get the girl and gets mad at us when we just do what he asks a little too well. It's boring Xander, and I need to go get ready."

Spike stared speechless at his sometime lover. Xander took pity on him. "Spike, I get how you feel, really, you know I've been there too, but, man, you gotta make a decision. Are you gonna try to be what she wants, and maybe what you want too, or are you gonna give up, really give up and move on?"

Spike sat down next to him. "I know what I want to do, but I don't know if it's possible. I'm not at all who I used to be, but I'm not even sure if little William was what Buffy needed. I just don't know where to start."

Anya moved to sit on his other side. "Spike, you've got to let go of it all. It's just too much to hold onto."

"She's right, man. You forgive yourself, and then you can start. It's time to do it, even if it's not for Buffy."

"I don't de-"

"Shut-up," Anya said sharply, putting a hand to his mouth. "Nobody wants to hear about how you don't deserve to live or be forgiven or have a dick or whatever. We've all forgiven you, even your father. You're just throwing it back in our faces by not doing it yourself."

Spike nodded. Xander stood up and patted his friend on the shoulder. "Chin up young man! Things will be looking up for you soon enough." Spike managed a weak smile as Anya stood as well and they left Spike alone to think.

***

"Tara? Red?"

"We're in here, Spike."

Spike walked into the room shared by his sister and former love. Willow sat at the desk in the corner and Tara on the bed with a book open in front of her. "So..umm... What you birds up to?"

Tara and Willow exchanged a look before closing up their books and pulling Spike onto the bed between them. "What's wrong?"

Spike began to shake his head and Willow broke in, "don't say nothing, we know you too well to fall for it."

He sighed and sat back against the wall. "I guess... Umm, I guess I need some advice."

"Well, you came to right place, advice 'r us here. Tell me big brother, what's on your mind?"

Spike played with the edge of Tara's sweater as he gathered his thoughts. "Tara, luv, when you first met me, did you think I could have made you happy?" When she didn't immediately respond he felt like an ass. "I'm sorry, you don't have to answer that. I'm not tryin' to rock the boat, I just need to know-"

"Spike, it's ok." Tara put a reassuring hand over his and Willow grasped his other one. "We understand, it's not too hard to figure out that what's going on with Buffy has a lot to do with what's happened in the past."

He nodded and squeezed Willow's hand. "Now to answer your question, yeah, I think that if I hadn't met Willow, or if circumstance had never let us both see each other as we were, I think you would have made me very happy."

"But," Willow cut in, "that doesn't mean that what makes Tara happy will make Buffy happy. I don't think Buffy's looking for William, or for the guy you were when you picked up the name Spike, I think she's looking for you as you are now, only without the fear."

"Will, she's not going to judge you, maybe if you open up and tell her, you'll feel better about everything." Tara put a hand on his cheek and turned his eyes toward her. "One thing for sure, if you want to pursue anything, you have to tell her everything. I mean it, Will, she deserves that much from you."

"Yeah, she deserves more, and that's why I shouldn't even try. Have you met this guy she's with? Is he good for her?"

"Spike, you are the lamest person I know right now. We all know you don't like this guy, just because of the fact he has Buffy and you don't, but do you want to know who's got the power to change this situation to your liking?" Spike looked at her blankly and Willow let out a frustrated noise. "You do!"

"How can you even s-"

"Stop!" she held up a hand and turned away from him. "No more words, none at all. You make a decision. Stop moping about Buffy and do something about it, or get over it." She looked over at Tara. "I thought Xander and Anya were going to have this conversation for us."

Spike rolled his eyes. "Bloody hell, have you all been discussing this without me?" They just nodded. "I already heard this from them. Guess that means I have a decision to make."

"Guess so." Spike moved to get up but Tara stopped him. "Will, I know it's hard, and there's a lot there that even I don't know about, but if you want to be happy, you've got to let it go."

He nodded and made his way out of the room.

"Do you think he's gonna be ok, I hate it when he's all indecisive and mopey, he's supposed to be the older more sensible sibling."

"Sensible?"

***

Spike sat alone in his room looking at one of the few remaining pictures of he and Drusilla.

"That you did, pet." He sighed and lay back on his bed trying to stave off the wave of memories that threatened to overwhelm him.

Spike turned onto his side to bury his face in the pillows.

"Fuck!" Spike gripped his head and tried to shake the memory of that awful night out of his head. The fact that his cock had begun to react had made him even more disgusted with himself. His relationship with Dru had been fucked from the start, but that didn't change the fact that he'd fallen for the crazy bint and given himself to her completely only to have her rip his heart out and piss on it.

He knew deep down that he had changed since then, but he didn't know if that meant anything in the long run. Judging from his body's reaction to that particular memory, it still had no qualms about his twisted sexuality, but he didn't have to resort to that kind of thing to be satisfied. He'd had pretty mild sex with all of his partners outside his time with Dru and been fine.

He groaned and rubbed his eyes. He could talk to Buffy, just as a friend, see where she wanted to go after that. If she could still have feelings for him after he confessed all his misdeeds, then maybe they could work through it.

He sat up and tried to calm down. Tomorrow he'd find Buffy and they'd talk, at least then he'd know one way or another.

First, he needed a cold shower.

A/N: I dug writing this chapter, it was good times. Anyhow, if this trend keeps up, you can expect a chapter a day for a while. Please keep reviewing, I’d like to know what people would like to see happen and whether or not they like it at all. Yay for more flashbacks next time, but none here, just a good deal of smut and angst.

-Bob Dylan, All I Really Wanna Do

"Buffy, baby, I want you so much right now."

She could feel his hardness against her stomach and it excited her, it had been so long since she'd been with someone. She wanted so much to give in to him but she knew it wasn't the right time for either of them. Reluctantly she pulled herself off of him and held his face between her hands trying to pull her lips away from his.

"Riley, me too, but-"

"It's ok, Buffy. I know, just thinking with something else."

She smiled at him and kissed him softly once more. "So was I, but I'm not ready just yet." She pulled back. "Soon."

Riley smiled back. "Really?" Then he tried to act unaffected, Buffy thought it was the worst acting she'd ever seen, but she was amused none the less.

"Really," she said smiling brightly before giving him a last kiss and going in the house.

Riley grinned goofily and walked to his car.

***

"Buffy?" Spike asked, knocking softly on her open door.

"Yeah?" She turned around and her smile widened as she saw him. "Hey, Spike, what's up?"

He shuffled into her room nervously and shut the door. He'd been working himself up to this conversation for hours now and he decided he couldn't wait until tomorrow. He prayed she'd come home after her date and not go off to shag captain cardboard before he had a chance to talk to her. He started to play with some of the picture frames on her dresser while he worked up the nerve to speak.

"Just wanna hang out or..." Buffy was too happy at the moment to be worried about his behavior, as it was she settled for mildly amused and a little confused.

"No, I needed to talk to you about something... Um, kind of important."

"Well, come sit down, I actually wanted to talk to you too, just thought you'd be asleep by now."

He smiled weakly and sat next to her, trying not to let her nearness destroy the speech he'd planned in his bedroom minutes before. "You go first." Coward!

She couldn't keep the dreamy grin that spread across her face from doing so. "Well, it's kind of weird, and I'd ask Tara and Willow what they thought, but I need a man's opinion."

He was getting worried now, it sounded like a "what do I get my boyfriend for Christmas" or a "how far can I take this without seeming like a slut" question. He prayed to whoever would listen it wasn't the latter. He didn't think he could deal with that after his night of hellish recollections and preparation.

"Shoot, luv." Please, please, please, please....

"I kind of want to sleep with Riley."

"Let me guess, you want to know how long you should wait so that he doesn't think you're easy?"

Buffy looked a little shy and nodded. He was glad she seemed to miss the pain in his voice. "I mean, we've been going out for a while, it's not like we're virgins or anything. He wants to, but I'm not sure."

Spike looked at his hands to keep from getting all emotional and acting like an ass in front of her. She wanted a friend, he promised to act like one. This was the kind of advice friends gave, so he was going to do the best he could. He should have known this was a fucked idea from the start.

"The way you look right now, I'm guessing you like him a bit more than you let on last night."

"Well, it's just, tonight was really fun, better than it's ever been. I'm starting to think that maybe there could be something more than just a temporary boyfriend thing here."

Inside Spike was screaming. Outside he seemed like the perfect friend, considerate and caring. He cleared his throat to try to keep out any emotional outbursts. "Does he seem like he wants a relationship that might last a long time?"

"Yeah, I mean, I was really standoffish at first. He really wanted to make things official between us from almost the beginning, but I held off. I don't think he's in it just for the sex, but that can change a lot of things."

"That it can, luv." Spike risked a glance at her face and saw that she really did look happy, it both pained and delighted him to see her that way. "I'd say go for it, I mean, you both want it." He paused when he saw something flicker across her face that he couldn't identify. "What's holding you back, I don't think that's all there is."

She looked down and her expression clouded. "It's just, I like him, and he's good to me, but there's something missing."

Spike got it then, she wanted sparks, and while Riley was good man, he wasn't setting her on fire. "Not everybody finds someone that does that for them, Buffy, at least, not someone who does that and is good for them."

"But we-"

"Shh," he put a finger to her lips and shook his head. "No, luv, don't do that." He brought his other hand up to stroke her hair and brush a few stray strands back. "We're done with that fantasy, yeah?"

She nodded her head and sighed. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be, pet. Just want you to be happy. You never know, this bloke may strike something inside you after all. Gotta give him a chance though."

"Yeah, I know. It's just hard, to not hold anything back with someone, I'm not sure I can do it."

"He's not asking you to. Go slow, find your own rhythm. Everything will work itself out."

Buffy looked at Spike and realized really for the first time how much he really cared about her. "You're really good at this."

He forced a chuckle to break the serious mood and stood up. "I'm good at everything I do, lamb."

"Whatever." He started to walk away and she called out to him. "Hey, what did you want to tell me?"

Spike swallowed and looked back at her. "Nothin' important, luv. Sweet dreams."

"You too, Spike. Thanks."

"Anytime," he said softly before closing the door as his heart clenched painfully in his chest.

***

Spike didn't come out of his room the next day until Buffy had left in the afternoon to meet Riley. She was a little disappointed that she didn't get to see him before the big day, but she figured he must have slept late. In truth, she wanted to give him one last chance to tell her not to sleep with Riley. She didn't understand how he was so indifferent to the whole situation, she thought he would have decided to shirk all logic and take her then and there. Part of her was happy that he did what he did. He was going to move on, and so was she, they would be happier for it.

This was a very small part of her.

When Spike did finally emerge from his hiding place he went straight to Xander. He walked into the brunette's room and closed the door behind him before crawling under the covers with him. After a long night with Anya, Xander was dead tired, he didn't understand how his girlfriend could get up only a few hours after they went to sleep to go to work. He wasn't about to move until at least four in the afternoon. The presence of an affectionate Spike put a but of a damper in his plans, but sleep was nothing compared to the things his tongue could do.

"Will?"

"Yeah, Xand?" Spike asked, placing a few more open-mouthed kisses on the back of his neck.

"What's going on?"

"Just lonely, 's all. Didn't know I needed a bloody excuse," he said a little bitterly pulling away and facing the ceiling.

"Hey, Will, I'm sorry, just a little confused, I thought you were gonna talk to Buffy today."

At the mention of her name Spike flinched. He rolled onto his side and propped himself up on his elbow so that he could look at Xander. "I did last night."

When he didn't say anymore Xander rolled his eyes. "And?"

Spike tried to lean down and kiss him, but Xander evaded his lips. "Nice try, tell me what happened or no Xander lovin'."

Spike rolled again onto his back and let out a deep breath. "Before I could say anything to her she was asking if I thought it was ok to sleep with that tosser of hers."

"Oh, man, I'm sorry, Will."

"Yeah, well, couldn't say I shouldn't have expected it. I walk in and she's all dreamy eyed and happy. God, I'm such an idiot."

Xander rolled over and put both hands on the side of his friend's face. "No you're not, you really liked a girl, you didn't think you were ready, somebody else got there first. Isn't the first time this has happened to one of us, probably won't be the last. For you anyway."

"Yeah, you're all set up aren't you. Lucky, Xander, got a girlfriend and a cock to satisfy all your depraved needs."

"Don't forget that cock's attached to my best friend whom I love."

Spike looked up and smiled genuinely for the first time since he walked into Buffy's room the night before. Xander bent down to kiss Spike gently. "Thank you, Xand."

"Hey, no problem, I'm fixit man, just bring me all your broken hearts and I'll mend 'em."

"Yeah, how many is this now, three?"

"Four, don't forget Cecily."

"Oh, bloody hell, that bint barely bumped the thing compared to what came later." Xander bent down again and this time they both deepened the kiss until both of them were panting for breath. Xander reached down to tug at Spike's pants but he stopped him. "Is this ok, I mean, Anya-"

"Would understand," he said before reaching in and pulling out Spike's cock. "God, you're so hard already."

"Yeah, pet, love that mouth of yours."

Xander grinned and ducked beneath the covers to take Spike in his mouth. "Oh, fuck, Xand, you're so bloody good to me."

He licked him up and down a few more times before sitting up and reaching into his bedside table for the lube. "Put it on me, Will."

Spike smiled and stroked Xander's cock with the oil getting it slick while making him even harder. He bent and licked up the precum that had gathered. "Stop, Will, stop, I've got to be inside you."

Spike removed his pants completely and groaned loudly when Xander pushed first one finger, then two inside. "I'm ready, I'm ready, just do it, pet, please."

Xander thrust in quickly and they both cried out. "Ohh, oh fuck, Will." He began to stroke Spike in time with his thrusts and soon both of them were barely hanging on. "I'm gonna cum, do it with me, Will, please."

Spike pushed back on Xander's cock and cried out as he felt his friend's spunk begin to fill him. His ejaculate spurted onto his stomach and chest. They lay together finding their breath. Finally, Xander pulled out gently and lay down next to him, pulling Spike against his chest.

After a few moments of silence, Xander finally spoke. "You'll find someone else, Will, someone that'll love you like you deserve."

"I don't know. Who wants to deal with the mess I've made of myself? I don't even like to think about it too hard. Fuck, I really think I love her, Xand."

Xander just stroked his hair and kissed him softly. "Just time then." Spike groaned next to him and Xander smiled. "But, a little jack always speeds things up."

"I like the way you're thinking, mate."

***

Anya met them at O'Donnell's Pub once she got off of work. They were already plastered.

"Hey, baby!" Xander yelled out right as she walked in, he sauntered up to her and draped a heavy arm across her shoulders as he led he to the booth he and Spike were at in the back.

"Oh, luv, come over here, Spike's got a right big prezzie for you, lamb." Anya looked suspicious but moved to sit next to him anyway. He pulled her into his lap and nuzzled her neck while Xander slid in next to them and slid his hand up her skirt under the table. She could feel just how big Spike's present was as it prodded her quite insistently in the ass.

"Boys, have you been naughty while I was away?"

Spike rolled his tongue under his teeth and smiled lasciviously while Xander put on his best puppy dog face. She rolled her eyes and took a large swig of the bourbon in front of Spike. “Well, you better let me get really drunk before I’m willing to play with you here.”

Spike was rubbing his hardness up against her bottom and in spite of the public nature of it, Anya was getting pretty hot. Xander’s hand rubbing circles around her clit weren’t helping the matter. Suddenly she realized something. “Spike, what the hell are you doing?”

Spike pulled his face out from her hair and stopped his lower body’s motions. “What do you mean, luv, you want me to stop?”

“No, I didn’t say stop, I’m just wondering why you’re here getting off in public with Xander and me and not getting off in private with Buffy. I thought you were going to talk to her.”

Spike hung his head and Xander put a comforting hand on his cheek. “It didn’t go so well for bleach boy. He’s a little upset, thought maybe we could cheer him up. You know how he loves sex in public places.”

Anya smirked and ground her bottom into his groin eliciting a pleased groan from Spike. “I’m sorry, Spike, but Xander and I will be glad to give you drunken orgasms to get over her.”

“Love that bluntness, pet,” he said before licking a line from her neck to her ear. Luckily, O’Donnell’s was one of the few places in Sunnydale that didn’t mind a little, well ok, a lot of public displays of affection. It was the only place that Xander, Spike, and Anya felt comfortable being affectionate with each other in. After the incident at the Bronze, Spike was a little wary, but Xander had convinced him, reminding him that they would all be together tonight.

Anya lifted her skirt a little and Xander pulled off her panties and stuck them in his pocket. They had mastered the art of sex in laps while sitting in booths after Spike had insisted they go on a public sex rampage while they were still in high school. Spike reached under Anya to unfasten his belt and unzip his fly. His cock sprang up and Anya quickly sunk down. He thrust shallowly into her while she ground down on him making it as seemingly innocent as they possibly could.

Spike’s hand reached across Anya to grasp Xander through his pants and stroke him. They alternated kissing partners and soon enough the excitement of getting away with something so naughty and the fact they knew each other’s bodies better than anyone led them all to a shuddering but quiet climax. Xander managed to grab a napkin at the last moment to catch his cum in while Spike and Anya held on tight.

Anya took a long swallow of the Jack Daniel’s that Xander was drinking and soon they were all dizzy and satiated. They cuddled together in the booth while Spike and Anya discussed his love life, or lack thereof. Around midnight they decided to call it a night and head home to Spike’s large and very comfortable bed.

***

The threesome stumbled into the house noisily almost knocking down the coat rack as they attempted to shush each other and hang up their coats simultaneously. They paused in the hallway for gropes and kisses and finally they made their way to Spike’s bedroom door. He pushed them inside then went into the kitchen to get some water. The last sober bit of his brain knew he’d have the hangover from hell in the morning, and he wanted to be at least a little prepared.

As he was walking back to his room, Buffy and Riley slipped quietly inside. They giggled a little and kissed in the foyer while Spike watched. He’d already cried a little on Anya’s shoulder that night, but now, seeing them in the flesh together, watching the way he put his hands on her like he wanted to possess her, it snapped something inside of him.

He dropped the glass and it shattered on the wood floor, startling the couple from their embrace. Buffy looked up to see a teary Spike standing in the middle of shattered glass.

“Spike?”

He didn’t say anything, just turned to stumble into his room, but he stepped directly on a few shards of glass and let out a howl that only a drunk could manage.

He stumbled back into the wall and stepped on more. Finally, he fell onto his back just as Buffy crossed the hall to help him. She checked to see that there was no glass underneath her, then knelt next to him. “Spike, are you ok?”

“Bleeding, buggering, fuck! Fucking, fucked motherfucker!” He covered his face with his hands and Buffy heard Xander and Anya poke their heads out of his bedroom.

“What did you do to him?” Anya shrieked.

It was then that Buffy noticed that they were all seriously wasted. Xander was leaning heavily on Anya who was swaying and holding herself up on the door. Spike was sobbing and he couldn’t seem to sit up. Buffy looked up at Anya. “He dropped a glass I think, and then he forgot and stepped on it.”

By this time Riley had swept the glass into a corner with his shoe and was standing next to Buffy. “Do you want me to get him into the kitchen?”

Buffy squeezed her eyes shut. This had to be the most humiliating situation for Spike, being helped by her boyfriend. “Yeah, let me help you, we’ll just get him under the arms.”

They moved to grab him and Spike let out a cry as he tried to stand and the glass cut deeper into his feet. “Shh, Spike, we’re going to do all the work, just don’t move your feet.”

He nodded and they picked him up with a little difficulty and sat him down on the counter next to the sink.

Buffy told Riley to just sit down, the night was ruined, she wanted him to just go home, but she felt guilty about the whole thing. Spike obviously did care, a lot, but if he did, he shouldn’t have told her to move on with someone else.

She came to him and pulled up his foot to examine the bottom. Luckily there were just a few large shards and not a bunch of little ones. She pulled them out quickly and tried to comfort him with a hand to his head. She was nearly finished cleaning them when he finally started to speak.

“Oh, God, Buffy, I’m sorry.” He tried to reach out to her but his hand swiped at air. “God, I’m such a royal fuck-up, you made the right bloody choice.”

“Shh, Spike, it’s ok-”

“No, it’s not ok, it’s not ever gonna be ok, I fucking love you Buffy, I do, I swear it!” She looked frantically at Riley who looked stunned.

“Maybe I should go.”

“No-”

“Yeah, mate, maybe you should!”

“Spike!”

He looked at her drunkenly, his eyes a little out of focus. “What? You want me to lie, say I give you my goddamn blessing?! Well I bloody well don’t!” He grabbed her hands. “I can change, Buffy, I wanted to tell you before, but I was a coward. I want to change for you, be the man you deserve.”

“Spike, shut-up, you’re drunk and you don’t know what you’re saying.” He moved to speak but she held up a hand. “No, you just stay here for a minute, I’ll be back.”

She turned to Riley and motioned for them to go into the hall, she heard him move to stand. “If you get off that fucking counter, Spike, the pain in your feet is going to make you pass out. Sit down!”

She pulled Riley out and took a deep breath. “I’m so sorry about all this.”

“Hey, it’s not your fault.”

“I’m still sorry.”

Riley looked away and grabbed Buffy’s hands. “Look, Buffy, I’m not sure about all this.”

“What do you mean?”

“I just... I think maybe we should wait a bit. I think tonight’s given us a lot to think about.”

Buffy squeezed his hands tighter. “No, what he’s saying, he doesn’t mean it, he’s just really drunk.”

“I’m not stupid Buffy, and I’m not giving up either. All I’m saying is, I want you to be there completely when it happens, and it looks like you’ve got some things to either make clear to him, or make clear to me before you can be with anyone.”

Buffy didn’t know what to say, so she remained silent as Riley kissed her softly then grabbed his coat and walked outside.

She stood in the hall for a minute before she went back in to face Spike. He was passed out on the counter, his feet had stopped bleeding, but she knew they were going to hurt like hell for a while. She went into his bedroom and grabbed a worried Xander and Anya to help her carry him to bed.

They decided to go to their own bed and Buffy was left to make sure he had water for the morning and some aspirin. She pushed some of his stray curls off his forehead and bent to kiss him.

“You say you want to change, Spike, but you never do anything to convince me you can.” She sat with him a little while longer before she stood to go to her own bed. She bent down and kissed him again. “But if you can... I think I might love you too.”

A/N: This chapter has a brief mention of rape, and this issue will be making frequent appearances for a while. Thanks for all the reviews I've gotten so far and I hope everyone who likes this continue to enjoy it and review. I'm really excited about this part, so I'll probably be updating pretty frequently, but I do have a few papers due, so we'll see how it goes. School vs. Spuffy though, it's kind of a no brainer.

-Bob Dylan, It Ain't Me Babe

The first thing Spike noticed when he woke up the next morning was a dull but damn painful throbbing in his feet. Next came a similar sensation in his head, then his stomach decided to make its own displeasure with his night of drinking known. Spike groaned softly and lay still for a moment trying to calm his stomach before he brought up his dinner from the night before all over his bed.

He opened his eyes slowly and thanked God he'd had the foresight to close the blinds tightly the night before, light would only make his headache from hell intensify to an unbearable level. He turned his head slowly and saw the glass of water and tablets of aspirin on his bedside table. He swallowed them down with a minimal amount of wincing from the movement and then flopped back down to try to remember what the hell had happened to him.

There were a lot of things amiss. Anya and Xander were gone, he was actually wearing clothing, he had no idea why his feet were burning, and he didn't remember getting the water or the aspirin, or really anything after getting a last hand job from Anya and Xander in the pub.

The thinking was causing his brain to fry so he tried to sit up and look at his feet, maybe that would help jog his memory. His head spun and he tried to calm his stomach again before sitting all the way up. The aspirin was starting to kick in, so his head felt a little better now, but his guts were aching to throw something up. He pulled his foot up and gasped softly when he saw the cuts crisscrossing both his feet.

Suddenly something in his head clicked and he began to remember. Anya and Xander were in his bedroom while he went to get a glass of water. Then... yes, then he had walked out and seen that wanker Buffy was dating with his hands all over her.

"Oh, God." He remembered everything in a rush, the shattered glass, the tears, the horrible confessions that weren't supposed to ever happen, and that same wanker actually helping him, practically carrying him into the kitchen.

It was embarrassing enough that he had seen Spike stumbling about, cutting himself up and sobbing like a child, but then to have been carried by that pumped up all-american boy scout, it was too much. Certainly, Buffy would want nothing to do with him now, not after he'd make a complete and utter jackass of himself, and in front of her lover no less.

God, she had probably gone straight to bed with him after that display. He'd practically thrown her into that pansy's arms.

He had to take it all back, she'd understand. When your drunk, you say all kinds of things you don't mean. Stuff just comes tumbling out of your mouth, especially if you have one as big as Spike's. He'd explain that he'd been emotional about something having to do with Tara or Xander, God, even Anya. She'd believe that, she'd have to.

If he couldn't have her, he at least had to save a little scrap of his dignity in front of her. Couldn't let the bint take him over entire, it just wouldn't do. She could do whatever, or whoever she likes, and it can't bother him because he told her to, and because he was doing the same thing. It was irrational and chauvinistic to expect her to wait around while he poked and got poked by others. Of course, that didn't change the fact that he hated the very idea of her even touching anyone else. He hated being so weak that he automatically went to Xander and Anya for comfort every time something didn't go his way, but he never claimed to be a strong man.

He shook his head to try to clear the thoughts and memories before they overtook him. When he remembered, or even just thought too hard about himself, he couldn't stop the waves of melancholy and depression that tried to drown him.

He'd been saved one too many times before by his loved ones, he was tired of them worrying that he was going to do himself in or retreat into the shell that he'd created for himself whenever he was hurt. He hated being so fucking dependant on people, it made him hate himself even more. It was a vicious cycle and he had to stop it.

Talking to Buffy and explaining everything would be a good first step. Speaking of steps, how the hell was he supposed to get around when his feet looked like a fucked up chess board?

***

Buffy had gone over the previous night about a billion times in her head by noon the next day. She'd thought about what Riley had said, but mostly it was Spike that filled the time. She didn't want to hurt Riley, but he was right. If she was thinking about what Spike had said all the time and wondering if things could change between them, then it wouldn't be fair to Riley or even to herself. He was a good guy, and an attractive one, he wouldn't have a hard time finding someone else if Buffy chose to try and work it out with Spike, but she still hated the idea of telling him he'd just been wasting his time.

She sighed and rolled over in her bed, trying to think of one good thing that could come out of this situation. Spike was a definite plus, but then again, he'd started up with Anya and Xander again apparently. Where the hell did he get off going all weepy and glass-droppy seeing her with Riley after he'd probably been having fuckfest 2003 in his bedroom.

Then again, most of her anger about the whole thing had to do more with jealousy and hurt that he could move on so quickly, and less with indignation. He'd made it perfectly clear to her that she should move on, but even so, she didn't think she would have reacted very well to seeing them in the act. In fact, she hadn't, and she'd been sober when she had seen he and Anya.

He was making mistakes right and left, but at the same time, they were ones she could forgive easily if he wanted her too. He said that he'd wanted to change last night, but he never acted like it. Every time she wanted to talk she'd find him fucking either Anya or Xander's or both's brains out. It was enough to make any sane girl walk away. You'd think Spike was crazy enough for both of them, but whenever she was around him, it was like nothing mattered but being together. It was hard and insane and way too unpredictable to rely on.

She wanted stability, but she wanted Spike more. At least most of the time she did, when she was with Riley, Spike started to seem like a little too much work for someone with enough going on already. He had all kinds of demons, and all kinds of issues, and all kinds of keeping his dick in his pants problems.

Buffy realized she had to make a decision between working for what could be a really rewarding relationship, or falling into one that she knew would be mediocre but stable.

"Buffy?"

Oh shit, just what I need right now. "Yeah?"

Spike poked his head around the corner but didn't make eye contact. "Umm, do you think we could talk for a minute?"

She noticed he was leaning hard against the door frame and trying to stand on the sides of his feet. "Oh, God, Spike, come sit down, your feet must hurt like hell." She stood and helped him to the bed and he thanked her quietly. She could tell he was deeply embarrassed, and that earned him a few points.

"About last night..."

"Yeah?"

"I can't tell you how sorry I am about everything, I acted like a right prat, and I can't even begin to apologize, but I'm gonna try."

"Spike-"

"No, lemme finish. What I said, in front of Riley, about you and me, it was out of line, and I'm sorry if it messed things up between you two. I was just drunk, spouting my mouth off because I was upset about other things that don't even have anything to do with you."

"What... What, so you don't-"

"Nah, luv, don't even rightly remember what it was I said exactly. Just a load of shit that you never should have had to been burdened with."

Points were rapidly adding to Riley's half of her scoreboard. Did he think he could just bullshit his way through life and lie to everyone when things got uncomfortable. This wasn't the Spike she knew, he was honest and wore his heart on his sleeve even when it hurt him. This bastard was covering, and it was pissing her off.

"Don't lie to me, Spike, I can take your other shit, but this is making me mad."

"What?"

"You heard me. Don't tell me that last night didn't mean anything because it had to."

"And why's that, pet? Think you can just tug me around by my short hairs all the time and run around with that tosser? You made a decision, and I was just upset, trying to get you to change your mind by using every trick in the book. Drunken revelations? Just trying to get a good shag, pet."

Spike couldn't believe he was saying this to her, but she'd called him out and he had automatically gone into defense mode. He looked up and saw the pain in her eyes quickly covered with anger.

"How the fuck can you say that to me? After everything that's happened between us-"

"What? A few good lines is all. You looked good, I wanted a taste and you wanted to talk about love and feelings and relationships. I'm not bloody made that way. I got friends, that's all I need. No bints cocking things up for me when I give 'em a part of me to piss on."

"I never said a goddamn thing about love, that was all you! You were the one with the love at first sight, I wanna change, give me a chance, I love you shit!"

Oh fuck, he'd actually told her that he loved her. He didn't remember that before, but now that moment came back to him with perfect clarity and he wished he could start this whole conversation over.

"Wait, wait a minute, pet. I didn't mean for all this to happen, just let me think for a minute and we can work this out."

"No, get the fuck out, Spike, I don't think I ever want to see you again."

"Buffy, let me just think for a goddamn minute, I'm sorry, ok, I just... I got scared for a minute, but-"

"Don't try to pull me back in, you told me what you wanted, you're not getting it. Get. The. Fuck. Out!"

He tried to touch her arm but she yanked it away and stood, she was shaking with emotion and he couldn't believe he had fucked up so utterly out of misplaced pride. "I'm sorry, Buffy please-"

"No, just.." her voice softened and he saw the beginnings of tears in her eyes. "Just get out, there's not a damn thing you can say to make this better. I need time to decide whether or not I can even speak to you after this."

He started to say something, but he stopped himself and stood up gingerly. He walked to her door and stopped. He looked back but she was facing away from him so he closed the door and walked to his room realizing that he'd probably just lost his last chance.

***

Buffy heard her door open about an hour later and she pinched the bridge of her nose. "Go away, Spike."

"It's us," Willow said from the door. She and Tara stepped inside and closed the door. Buffy turned around and managed a weak smile as they sat down next to her in the bed. "We heard the yelling, and then we heard Spike throwing things in his room. We figured it was something bad."

"Do you know what happened last night?"

Tara nodded. "Yeah, Anya told us both this morning, she said she was really worried about Spike today. Guess he tried to deny everything, huh?"

Buffy looked at her with brief shock, then remembered that these girls knew him better than he knew himself. "You guys are creepy sometimes in your knowledge of others here."

Willow smiled. "Well, you live with that guy for a while, he gets pretty predictable." She brushed some hair out of Buffy's eyes and handed her a tissue. "I know you're going to hate us for saying this, but we hope you can forgive him. He goes into self-preservation mode sometimes and does really stupid things, he's just being an idiot, he doesn't mean it."

Buffy nodded and sighed. "I know, I understood while it was going on but it still made me mad. You didn't hear the things he said, he was like a whole other person."

"First clue that it wasn't really him talking," Tara said softly. "It's like William has three people living inside him fighting for control. There's the guy I met, William, the soft, shy poet who gets hurt way too easily, there's Spike, the guy Dru and her crowd created, and then there's who he is now, the guy you met, who's willing to try again but he's too terrified to let go of anything."

Willow nodded in agreement with Tara's assessment. "I feel like we should have made his problems more clear to you and warned you away from him. He's a wonderful, loving, loyal, guy, but he's also a buttload of work."

"I was trying to decide this morning whether he was worth it or not. After the fight I decided he wasn't, but I start thinking about him, about what made him that way, about how much he's hurting all the time. I feel like giving up on him is what he wants in a way, like he wants everybody to just leave him alone so that he can be all mopey and self-loathing without any responsibility. In another way, I think he's looking for someone to save him."

"And in yet another way, I think he wants to do it himself."

"Yeah, I think that's what he ultimately wants, but he doesn't believe in himself enough."

Willow grinned at her. "See, you've only known him for a little while and already you see right through him."

"Well, when you think about the guy a good portion of your day, it's hard not to notice all this stuff."

"He is adorable, isn't he? Kinda hard to resist his charms, even if he is seriously annoying most of the time, not to mention unbelievably frustrating."

Buffy rubbed her eyes. "What the hell am I going to do?" She groaned in frustration and both girls rubbed her arms sympathetically.

"Well, today, let's try to decide whether he's worth a relationship, or maybe just a friendship, or maybe even nothing."

Buffy let out a long sigh. "Ok, well I know I can't really stay away even if I wanted to, so nothing is out of the question."

"Ok, then what's too scary to get past more than a friendship?"

"Maybe if he told me everything about what's happened I could understand a bit more about the things he does now. Also, he jumps into bed with Xander and Anya every time he gets upset. I mean, if he actually came and told me the truth about what he was feeling, we could probably work some things out, but he's always going to them, and it's not to help, it's like he's trying to forget."

"I think that Spike uses sex that way, especially with them. They make him feel secure and loved, but all three of them are like bickering children. They aide and abed each other's vices and they're always using their relationship to get what they want from each other."

Buffy's brow wrinkled in confusion. "What do you mean, they use each other?"

Willow and Tara thought for a moment before Willow began bouncing. "Oh, oh, ok, I got one. Whenever Anya and Xander break up, one of them will go to Spike for comfort to make the other one jealous. Anya does that especially, I think it's to get back at Xander for getting to Spike first."

"They like having Spike there because it's guilt free leverage that they can use, and Spike likes it that way because no matter what, someone always needs him around."

Buffy wondered, not for the first time, how the hell he formed his cocky exterior when he was so damned insecure.

"I know what you're thinking," Tara said quietly to Buffy. Buffy just looked at her blankly. "Why is he so needy, so insecure, and how does he hide it?"

"He's always been like that, since we were kids. He always thought Jenny, out stepmother, loved me more when Giles finally brought her to live with us, and I don't think he ever thought the people he loved felt the same depth of emotion as he did, especially in his romantic life."

Tara looked down and this and Buffy wanted to tell her not to feel guilty about it, but she knew there was nothing she could say to ease that pain for what she'd felt she caused.

They all fell silent for a moment and Buffy felt the pull towards Spike even though she was struggling against it. "I guess... I guess I want to talk to him again. Just try to get stuff out there without all that defensive shit we seem to love."

Willow and Tara tried, they really did, to hide their delight, but they failed miserably as they pulled Buffy into a tight group hug that made oxygen an issue.

"Umm.. guys, I can't talk to him if I can't breathe."

***

Spike spent the rest of the day trying to forget about the monumental mistake he'd made in the morning. He wasn't really succeeding, partially due the fact that he kept reliving the incident in his mind over and over. He heard a knock at his door and when he turned to see who it was he nearly fell over himself trying to get to her.

"Oh, Buffy, come in, please, let me explain, I was a total jackass, I didn't mean it, I mean, I meant what I said last night, but I didn't mean it this morning, I mean I meant it this morning, just not what I said this morning... Umm, did you catch any of that?"

Buffy put her hands on his shoulders and pushed him onto his bed. "Just be quiet and let me talk ok. You probably shouldn't be spending a lot of time on your feet today anyway, Spike, they need to heal."

He sat in shock and when she took his hand and sat next to him he figured he must be hallucinating. "Listen, I know what you were doing this morning, and I get it, even if that doesn't make it ok, it makes it something we can work through." She took a deep breath and looked into his eyes, she could see his barely contained hope and it made her even more sure that she was doing the right thing.

"I'm not positive I know what I want from us, but-"

"Spike!" The couple looked over to see a hysterical Anya in tears throw herself through Spike's door and into his arms.

"Whoa, pet, what's wrong?"

"Xander, he, we, it was so stupid, Spike!" Spike looked apologetically at Buffy and she squeezed his hand before letting it go.

"Anya, luv, let me talk to Buffy for a minute, and then we can talk alright?"

Anya nodded and crawled into Spike's bed, burying her face in his pillows. Spike took Buffy's hand again gently and pulled her up. She followed him into the hall and he shut the door. "I don't want to stop this, but, she's so upset and-"

"Spike, no, it's ok." Buffy put a hand on his cheek and leaned into it closing his eyes. "We'll talk tomorrow, ok? Anya needs you." Just, please, Spike, prove to me you understand, just don't sleep with her.

Spike opened his eyes and looked deeply into Buffy's. "Buffy, luv, I was serious, last night, when I said I would change. I'm starting tonight."

Buffy let out a relieved sigh and leaned her head against his chest and he wrapped his arms around her thanking whatever God was out there for giving him another chance with this angel. "Thank-you for understanding," she whispered into his shirt.

He rubbed her back and placed small, light kisses in her hair. "Just know I'll make all this up to you, kitten, make up for all the wrong steps I've made so far." He dipped his head and nuzzled her cheek. "I want to make you happy, Buffy, want to make you so happy."

She didn't want to kiss him yet, ok, she really, really did, but she didn't think he deserved that until after they had settled everything. Again, without words he seemed to understand and was content with just rubbing his cheek against hers and reassuring himself that she was there and that she was giving him a chance. They held each other tightly for a few moments longer and he pressed his lips to her shoulder before pulling back a bit with his arms still around her.

"She might stay here tonight," Buffy tensed and he quickly clarified, "but just to sleep. I told you I wouldn't do anything to jeopardize this, and I won't."

Buffy pulled his head down and kissed his cheek softly. "I know," she whispered into his ear before letting him go and walking into her room.

Spike stood for a moment grinning like an idiot before he opened the door to his room. Anya was running back to the bed and he shook his head.

"So, I guess that means no make Xander jealous sex tonight."

"Were you listening at the bloody door, then?"

Anya looked at him with one eyebrow raised and an expression that asked if he knew who he was talking to. "Right."

"Well, I have to get my love vicariously now."

"Oh please, you know this is just a silly spat, you two will be back humping like rabbits tomorrow."

Spike came to the bed and sat next to her. "Even so, can I still stay here, I hate sleeping alone, especially when he's practically invaded my room with his crap."

Spike smirked and got under the covers with her putting his arm around her and pulling her to him. "C'mon, luv, let's get some sleep so we can wake up bright and early and do some groveling."

Anya closed her eyes and relaxed. Suddenly she sat up abruptly. "Grovelling? We?"

A/N: This is a really short one, but I had to split the chapters in two because if I didn't this chapter would be unbearably long and I would get lazy midway and then my story would suck, so though it doesn't seem like it, I'm doing y'all a favor. Look for the whole story (or is it?) of Spike's past tomorrow. I'm too pumped to write this to put it off. Oh, and please keep reviewing, it makes things come even faster if that's possible.

"0l' black Bascom, don't break no mirrors
Cold black water dog, make no tears
You say you love me with what may be love
Don't you remember makin' baby love?
Got your steam drill built and you're lookin' for some kid
To get it to work for you like your nine-pound hammer did
But I know that you know that I know that you show
Something is tearing up your mind.
Tell me, momma,
Tell me, momma,
Tell me, momma, what is it?
What's wrong with you this time?"
-Bob Dylan, Tell Me Momma

Spike cried out and shot up in bed. He was covered in a cold sweat and he could taste the salt of his tears. He covered his face in shaky hands and tried to push that memory into the deep recesses of his mind where it was usually kept.

Anya stirred next to him and propped herself up on her elbows. "Spike?"

He didn't answer, he couldn't answer. His whole body was shaking now as memories assailed him.

He tore at his hair trying to stop the barrage of voices in his head.

"Spike?" Anya tried to touch him and he threw himself to the other side of the bed against the wall.

"Don't fucking touch me."

Anya watched him for a moment as his eyes darted about the room. They weren't focused and she knew, after many nights dealing with his nightmare, that he wasn't out of them yet. "Spike... Will, it's Anya. I love you, I'm here and I love you. Come back to us." She scooted closer to him but kept enough distance until his eyes began to clear. "That's it, baby, come on."

He remained trembling but she could see he was trying his hardest to calm down. "I'm sorry... I'm so sorry that I'm dirty."

"Will, it's ok, you're home, and you're fine, you're not dirty, you're good."

He still wasn't completely out of it and he hadn't looked at her yet, he was focusing on some point at the end of the bed. "I wanted...I wanted to be clean for you, but I didn't have time. They didn't give me time and it hurts so much, and they're still all over me."

Anya was getting nervous, it usually didn't take this long, and only when he'd been really freaked out did he start talking to people whom only he could see. "William, it's Anya, look at me."

He finally looked over and the second they made eye contact he was out. He immediately slapped his hands over his face and wept. Anya moved next to him and he threw his arms around her and buried his face in her lap.

"Shhh, shh, I'm here, Will, it's ok."

***

Xander found them that way an hour later. "Hey, shouldn't this be the other way around?"

Anya looked up at him and Xander understood immediately what had happened. He set next to Anya and Spike moved to Xander. They moved so that they were laying down together facing each other with Spike's face in the space between Xander's neck and shoulder.

"How long has he been like this?"

Anya looked at the clock next to his bed. "I think, maybe an hour. Xander, it was weird, it took a long time for him to come out of it."

Xander stroked the blonde's back and whispered endearments to him softly. "What was he saying, do you know which one it was?"

Anya shook her head softly. "Well, I think he thought he was talking to Jenny after he woke up, but he wasn't dreaming about her. He told me not to touch him."

Xander closed his eyes and sighed. "I think I know." He kissed Spike softly on the cheek and the shaking lessened a bit.

Anya stood up and started to leave them alone, but Xander's voice stopped her. "Ahn, I'm sorry."

She looked at him and gave him a sad smile. "It was stupid Xander, I'm sorry too. We'll talk later." He nodded and she moved to the door. "Hey, I think he's trying to work things out with Buffy. He wouldn't even help me make you irrationally jealous."

Xander smiled at his girlfriend. "Maybe he was just thinking he wanted to be a good friend to me."

"And turn down this? Fat chance, beady eyes." Anya winked and closed the door behind her.

Xander turned his attention back to his friend and pulled back a bit so he could face him. "Will? You wanna talk yet?"

Spike wiped his face and nodded slowly. "It was about him," he said softly, his voice raspy.

"I figured. Just the usual?" he asked, stroking Spike's cheek.

Spike nodded and moved back into Xander's embrace. "The worst time." Xander felt more tears hit his neck. "It was the first, and it hurt so bloody much."

"I know, Will, I know. What about Jenny?"

"When I... When I went to see her," he swallowed. "After everything, and I was late because they kept me, and I was so dirty."

"Sshh, I remember, Will." Xander remembered everything all too well. All the times Spike couldn't hide the bruises and cuts, all the times he was late because he'd been out with Dru and he'd come home flying high even with the shit beaten out of him to the point where he could barely walk. And the first time they'd been intimate after everything and Xander witnessed first hand the way they'd tortured him.

After a lot of comforting touches and chaste kisses, Spike and Xander sat up and with one last kiss Xander stroked Spike's hair and walked out. Spike sat there for a few minutes trying to get his senses in order and remember what was so important about today.

"Buffy."

***

Buffy heard the knock on her door and turned to see a bedraggled Spike leaning against the door and trying to keep the injured parts of his feet from rubbing on the carpet. "Spike, come sit down, we should get you a wheelchair or something." When he didn't react to her she realized his appearance was due to something more than Anya keeping him up talking about Xander all night.

"What's wrong?"

"Me." He didn't look up, just kept staring at his hands which were clenched so tightly together that his knuckles were white.

"What do you mean, you? What happened, Spike?" He didn't say anything just twisted his hands and occasionally ran his hands through his already tousled hair. "Please talk to me."

"You just don't know what you're getting into, Buffy, and I'm tired of hurting you."

"No, no, no, no. You're not doing this, Spike. I'm not going to let guilt about your past fuck up what we could have now. You think if I find out that you have issues that I'll run away. Here's something to think about, I know you have issues, that's why we called everything off in the first place. But I know about them now, and I'm not running, so don't you do it either."

She took his hand and kissed it softly and she felt some of the tension drain out of his body. "There's just so much that still effects me. I panic when I remember too much and I can't even bloody remember where I am."

"You're not the only person that's ever happened to. A lot of people have trouble with remembering things that are painful. You've been through a lot, I wouldn't expect anything less than that." She put a hand to his cheek and he sighed softly. "I want to know Spike, and I promise I'll be here when it's all over. I wouldn't ask you to go through that if I wasn't ready to stay."

He turned to her and leaned his head against hers. "I know... I know I'm asking a lot, but will you kiss me Buffy? Please, will you just kiss me?"

Buffy couldn't turn down his plea after she heard the pain and doubt in his voice. "I can do that, Spike."

She turned and pressed her lips softly to his. There was nothing more to this kiss than comfort and security and she could momentarily understand what he saw in his arrangement with Xander and Anya. Their tongue's touched hesitantly and when she moaned softly he pulled back. He leaned his head back against hers and then pressed a small chaste kiss on her lips.

"I have a lot to tell you pet, and I don't think any of it is remotely pleasant," he whispered against her lips, desperate for the contact.

Buffy's head was spinning, she didn't understand how he could create such intimate moments with simple touches, but right now she felt as if there was no outside world for them, just she and Spike and whatever demons that lay between them.

She pulled back and a bit and when he looked confused and not a little scared at her actions she tugged on his sleeve until he was laying down with her on the bed, their heads next to each other, their lips only a few centimeters apart. She wrapped her arms around his waist and his legs tangled with hers. He reached down and pulled her comforter around them.

"I've got all night, and I can't think of a better way to spend it."

A/N: This is a pretty dark chapter, so there's your warning. Hope this doesn't scare anyone off, it should get much lighter after this, with occasional dips into darkness, but this is the only time it will be so concentrated. Thanks for all the reviews, and this chapter is the one I'm most interested in people's opinions. Please let me know what you thought even if you hated it. Thanks!

-Bob Dylan, I'll Keep It With Mine

After Buffy's words they lay together silently for a few moments, just savoring the closeness. Finally Spike took a deep breath and spoke. "I'm not sure where to start."

"Tara and Willow told me a lot about what happened with you three." She noticed Spike flinch slightly at the mention of it, apparently Tara wasn't the only one it still effected deeply. "What were you doing those days before they found you?"

"Right, are you trying to tell me that's what's happening here? You love me and Anya. Fuck that. You were lonely and my ass was almost as good as her pussy."

"Xander left after that. I didn't want to see anyone. Tara found me later and I don't really remember much between Xander and her. Just a lot of alcohol."

Buffy stroked his hair and kissed his cheek where a tear had fallen. He sighed and tried for a smile. "Ready for the sad stuff, pet?"

Buffy did smile at that and kissed him softly.

"After that episode, I got a taste for Anya and Xander's brand of sexual healing. Sometimes it was too hard to see anyone together, even them, so I started to look for some new people to hang around. I stayed away from Tara and Willow mostly. I told them I wanted them to be happy, and I did, but I couldn't watch it. Tara and I would talk a lot still, but not in person. She'd write to me or call me, I think she was worried after she found me in the chapel.

"Anyway, I started going to this club just outside Sunnydale. They had a lot of local punk bands that played there, they didn't ID, and most importantly of all, it was nothing like any place I'd ever been before. That's when I bleached my hair, bought my duster, and I started wearing a lot more black. Less tweed anyway."

"Is that where you met Dru?"

"Yeah."

"After that, we were damn near inseparable. I stopped talking to everyone, even Xander and Tara. The more they told me they were worried, the more pissed off I got. What I had with Tara was pure, what I had with Dru was dark and vengeful. She wanted me to do things to her..." He stopped and looked away. "Don't think you want to hear anymore, pet."

Buffy turned his face back to hers. "If you need to tell me to move on, I need to hear it."

"It wasn't the coke that I had a problem with, that was just an appetizer."

"What all have you done?"

"Think the question you mean is what haven't I done."

"Oh."

"Yeah. Want me to go on?"

"Yes." She kissed him softly and pulled him closer. "I want to know it all."

"Dru liked me rough and bad, she wanted to see me when I was most angry, got her excited, and wet as hell."

Spike didn't wait for her to react to what he'd revealed about his sexual practices. He'd gotten off on pain, both giving and receiving, fucking her in front of others and most of all on hearing her humiliate him. He'd always felt sick after coming from that, after the orgasm there was nothing to dull the pain of loneliness and rejection. She had him under her thumb to the point where even when they participated in group sex, she had to be touching him if he wanted to come.

"She could make me do anything, and I did everything for her." He took a deep breath and looked away. "Eventually we ran out of money, but we were both up to a few hundred dollar a day habit, and there was no way we could hold down real jobs. We made a bargain with a dealer of ours."

"I ran to Xander's and he took care of me for a while. Dru showed up later and apologized. She said it had just scared her. I didn't tell them what I'd been doing, I thought only Dru could understand, and she used it against me in bed, and it killed me every time that it got me hot."

Buffy was a little shocked, she didn't think things had gotten that out of control, but she didn't really think less of him. She'd had friends who did worse things for the same reasons. He hadn't killed anyone at least.

"So what made you stop it all?'

"The next time he wanted to watch Dru and I... And then he wanted to see her hurt after that... And then he just wanted me."

Buffy hugged him closer, she could feel him start to shudder. "What did he do to you?"

Spike looked more uncomfortable than she'd ever seen him. "He...I'm sure you can imagine."

"Did he ever hurt you?"

Spike instinctively scratched his eyebrow and she traced his scar. "This?"

"He slammed my face into the ground once when I was disobedient."

"Disobedient, Spike do you even hear yourself tell me all this?" He just looked up confused and she sighed. "You know that none of this was your fault?"

"Buffy, I asked for everything I got, this isn't "Good Will Hunting", you can't just tell me that. I wasn't abused as a child. I fucked for drugs and I was good at it, all I was ever good for then."

"Spike, you must know somewhere that that isn't true. You didn't deserve to be taken advantage of because you had a problem. He used all of that against you and Drusilla to get what he wanted. What was this so-called act of disobedience?"

"I wouldn't tell him the truth?"

"What do you mean?"

"He wanted me to admit that I liked it and I wouldn't."

Buffy stared at him for a moment and when he closed his eyes to avoid hers she saw the tears he'd been holding back. "Spike, he was basically raping you. You didn't like it."

He sat up angrily and got out of the bed. "What the fuck do you know? When Dru used to tie me up and beat the shit out of me, I came just from her telling me I liked it. When he used to fuck me til I bled, I loved it, I fucking loved it all! You want me to be the victim here, I wasn't. I was a willing participant and I loved every blood soaked minute of it. I'm a sick fuck and you'd do well to forget about me!"

He hobbled to the door and Buffy caught him and pushed him back onto the bed. "Stop with all this defensive bullshit. I know you've never told anyone about what happened to you. I know you want people to think you're so fucking tough that you can even get off when someone's cutting into your dick," she missed his flinch and continued, "I'm not stupid, Spike, and I'm not forgetting about you. Just because he made you say it doesn't mean you meant it. He was full of shit and so are you right now."

Buffy softened her tone and held his face between her hands. "Drusilla made you think you were nothing, and he took advantage of that and raped you, both of them did in a way. They took away your free will and hurt you in every way they could. No one deserves that, and you most of all."

She pulled him against her and he was silent while tears rolled down his face. "I want to believe it Buffy, but if I do it means that I wasn't strong enough to stop it. I was so weak, and I still am, and I hate it so much."

"Shh... There wasn't much you could have done. Just know it now, Spike. Understand that you can heal. I'll help you to do it, I promise I'm not going to hurt you like that."

"Buffy, I do love you, I really do."

"I know, baby, I know." She pulled them back into their previous positions and they held on tight. "You need to rest now, just rest Spike." She kissed him lightly and he let her rest his head on her breast while she stroked his hair. "We'll start everything over. Do you feel any better?"

"I'm starting to. Please don't tell Tara, I couldn't bear it if she knew."

"I won't tell anyone, I promise." They were silent for a moment and he stilled. "Goodnight, Spike."

"'Night, luv. Thank you for staying."

"Always."

A/N: Semi-short but super smutty/fluffy chapter to make up for the uber-angst that was chapter 11. Hope you enjoy, there’s quite a bit more to happen, so don’t get too comfortable. And just because Spike and Buffy are together, I won’t be abandoning the other characters, I think these two just needed some alone time. Thanks so much for all the reviews, keep ‘em comin’!

-Bob Dylan, On a Night Like This

Spike had been slowly coming awake for almost an hour. He felt Buffy cuddled up next to him and he couldn't bring himself to come fully aware. He watched her with lazy eyes as she slowly came awake next to him. She smiled slowly when they made eye contact and snuggled deeper into his arms.

"Morning," she whispered into his ear causing his half erect cock to swell.

"Morning, luv." He placed a few soft kisses on her neck and breathed in her scent. "Thank you."

Buffy smiled into the curve of his neck. "Do you feel better this morning?"

"I don't think I've ever gotten through the night without it coming up. I've never felt better in the morning."

They were silent after that, just shifting little by little to make themselves more comfortable or to try at a subtle rub to ease their growing arousal. They swept their lips over necks and cheeks and shoulders, but they never met.

They had been lying side by side but as time went on Spike had maneuvered his way on top of her. It was lazy and slow and inarguably the most satisfying snog Spike had ever had the pleasure of. They were both caught somewhere between sleep and waking and the dreaminess of the whole situation made it so easy for them to keep themselves right on the brink without it being unbearably frustrating.

Finally, Spike broke. "May I kiss you, Buffy?" he asked, his lips whispering against her cheek.

She smiled slowly and captured his bottom lip in her teeth. He moaned lightly and she echoed when he ground himself between her legs. Their lips played against each other without parting for what, to them, seemed like hours. Finally Buffy's tongue swept out to taste him and he opened his mouth to give her access as his own tongue came out to play. They deepened the kiss without quickening the pace. They panted and moaned softly, their bodies undulating slowly.

"Oh, Buffy, you feel so good, and I want you so much..." His voice caught as she reached between them and grasped his swollen cock.

"Yes, Spike, I want you too." She stroked him slowly and rubbed herself against his thigh until his hand reached into her pants and made her cry out.

"So wet, so hot... Do you feel how hard I am, baby? It's all for you, just thinking 'bout you, luv, makes me so bloody hard." His fingers circled her clit as he brought his other hand up to squeeze her breast lightly. He thrust into her hand and kissed her deeply, trying to convey how deeply he felt. "You make me feel so good."

Buffy pushed him lightly onto his back and straddled him then tugged on his shirt until he lifted his arms so that she could take it off. He brought his hands to her thighs and rubbed up and down stopping to grip her ass and pull her to him on the way down. She ran her hands slowly and up and down his chest brushing over his nipples, when he gasped softly at that she smiled wickedly and bent down. Her tongue darted out to flick lightly at them and he hissed sharply pushing his cock harder against her. She bit down softly and sucked reveling in his writhing and moaning beneath her.

"Buffy, Buffy wait... I want.. I want..."

She moved from his nipples and licked the underside of his jaw. "Yes?"

"I need to stop."

That was probably the very last thing she thought he was going to say. She pulled up and looked him in the eyes. "I mean... I mean, we should wait. I want to wait."

Buffy cursed herself for starting anything after all he'd told her last night. He'd used sex for comfort, punishment, hiding, and money. She should have known that it would be a mistake to start a sexual relationship while he wasn't sure how to have a healthy one. She moved to get off of him but he held her down.

"Wait, we don't have to stop entirely. Just, nipples are kind of sensitive."

She couldn't help but giggle at his strained expression. She knew he was trying desperately to restrain himself. He glared and she leaned down to kiss the look off his face. "Looks like you're a little sensitive all over, huh?"

He leaned up and kissed her again, cupping her face in his hands. "I love you, Buffy."

She didn't say anything, just kissed him back and started to explore his body. She wasn't sure why she was so hesitant to admit it to him, but there was something holding her back. She didn't want to hurt him, but she couldn't say something like that to him unless she was absolutely certain, that would be worse in the end.

She motioned for him to lay back and relax as she moved from his lips to kiss the top of his head working her way down. She kissed around his nipples and he moaned every time she got anywhere close, groaning in disappointment when she skipped them. She licked down his stomach and spent a lot of time at his navel due to the increase in his breathing and the volume of his moans. She looked into his eyes and she kissed the seriously prominent bulge in his pants softly.

"Ooohhh, pet, I'll make a mess if you don't stop looking at me like that." She grinned and moved to his legs. She finally reached his feet and almost laughed at his yelp that turned quickly into an impassioned groan when she took a toe in her mouth.

She moved back up and pulled his side so that he would roll over. When she gasped softly he sat up abruptly and tried to find his shirt and pull it over his head. "Sorry, sorry, I should go..." He let out a shaky breath and pulled away from her totally. "I'm sorry about that, didn't want you to see. I need to go."

"Spike wait." He looked back at her and she cursed her reaction to the scars. "Come back her and take that off. I'm sorry, I was just surprised." His eyes were vulnerable and sad and she kissed him softly trying to reassure him as she slowly pulled his shirt back up. "Lay down, baby."

She straddled his thighs and leaned down to examine his back more closely. Thin white lines crisscrossed his entire back with on jagged and thick scar dipping below the waistband of his pants. She was amazed that she had missed them before, but she realized she'd only seen him twice briefly without a shirt and once was dark. When she bent down and began to trace them with her lips Spike sighed.

"Buffy....Buffy you're so beautiful."

She grinned against his skin. "You aren't even looking at me?" she whispered softly.

He shook his head. "Don't have to, luv. You surround me."

She continued her trek across his back and she felt all the tension drain out of his body, and in turn, hers. "Why do you trust me so much?"

He was silent for a moment. "You know why, Buffy." He wasn't about to tell her again. Twice he'd been rejected, and though he didn't blame her, it did upset him a little that he'd been baring his soul to her since the moment he met her and she couldn't even acknowledge it. He understood that it might not be possible for her to care that deeply for him after everything he'd told her and everything he'd done, but at least she wouldn't leave him, and he wouldn't have to share her with anyone.

After his words, they didn't speak again. She traced every scar on his back and when he turned over, she could see the wonder in his eyes. He kissed her like he was pouring his entire being into her and then rested his head against hers.

"Go out with me tonight?"

"Of course."

"At eight?"

"Sounds perfect."

He kissed her soundly again, grinned and was gone. Buffy flopped back onto her bed and couldn't help the smile that spread across her face.

***

As soon as Anya announced her spotting of a grinning Spike leaving Buffy's room shirtless that morning, the questions hadn't stopped. Both refused to give any details and though Tara, Willow and Xander were all curious, Anya was the most upset about their tight lips.

By the time eight o'clock rolled around Anya was the only one still trying to get some information. Spike and Buffy just smiled at each other and walked out to his new car, slamming the door in her frustrated face.

"Have a good day, luv?"

Buffy gave him a soft kiss when he opened the door for her. "Kind of anxious, but I had a great morning to help me get through."

Spike smirked proudly and got in the other side. His smile brightened when she moved next to him in the bench seat. He put his arm around her and pulled out.

***

The evening had been perfect. They'd been able to have entirely angst free conversation all night. Buffy had been a little nervous that they had only the strange and strong sexual attraction and the drama between them, but her date with Spike had proved that they could make each other laugh just as much, if not more, than make each other cry.

They walked to the door to his room and stood a little awkwardly. They had both agreed that starting something serious sexually would lead to nothing but badness, but they hadn't decided on what exactly "seriously sexual" was. Could they just kiss? Were they going to worry about which base they were rounding? It seemed so unbelievably high schoolish that she doubted the whole thing many times during the night. Of course her doubts could have also stemmed from a serious uncomfortable wetness in her panties from being in close proximity with him all night. She knew he felt the same way, at least if the bulge in the front of his jeans was any indication.

They were currently plastered to each other in the hallway trying to pry themselves away but unable to. Finally Spike pulled back a bit and faced her with his head leaning against hers.

"Think we should talk about some rules or something?"

Buffy nodded vigorously and he pulled her into his room. Immediately upon entrance he had her pushed up against the door with his leg between hers and she riding his thigh like there was no tomorrow. His hardness pushed against her hip and he groaned as she rolled her hips.

"Weren't we supposed to talk?"

Buffy nodded again and tried to catch her breath as his hands played with her nipples in a way that made breathing almost impossible. "Yeah... maybe...maybe we should move apart."

Spike nodded but didn't stop rubbing against her. "On the count of three." He pulled her against his cock hard and she moaned as her clit came into exquisite contact with his thigh.

"One....Two....Three."

Spike wrenched himself away from her and forced himself into his desk chair. Buffy caught her breath and moved to the bed. She saw him start to adjust himself so that he wouldn't be in too much pain and she looked away. Just the sight of him panting and hard made her desperate to jump him.

"Ok... So we should set some boundaries."

"Yeah, boundaries. Boundaries are of the good."

They were silent for a moment and Spike sighed. "Oh, for Christ's sake, Buffy. I don't know if I can see you all the time and not just bend you over the bloody kitchen table."

She smiled and looked at him. "Yeah, I am pretty irresistible.”

“Yeah,” he practically growled, and she felt her panties soak completely through.

“Spike, I don’t want to ruin anything because we couldn’t control our hormones.”

He calmed at that and looked down. “I know, I feel like if we go too far too fast I’ll just be using it to keep from really knowing you.”

“So we’re sure there will be no sex having until we’re sure that we’re ready.”

“Right, and I don’t wanna push you too far about anythin’ else either, pet. Just want you to be comfortable.”

“I think we should be worried about getting too comfortable. Spike, don’t think I don’t want something, ‘cause chances are, if you’re involved, I’ll want to be too.”

“Just need to be honest with each other, ‘ey, luv?”

Buffy nodded and Spike moved to sit next to her. “What do you want, baby?” His voice was a soft rumble and it sent vibrations straight to her pussy.

“I’m not sure, can you give me some options?” He grinned devilishly and kissed her hard before laying her back onto his bed.

“Oh, I’ve got options, sweetness.” He swept his tongue from her neck to her jaw and ran his hands under her shirt to cup her breasts. “Can I take this off?”

“Only if you do the same.”

Eventually, they were both naked and though they knew it was a risk, they were willing to take it. Spike mirrored the exploration of his body earlier, only he spent ample time at her nipples. Buffy was panting underneath him as he settled his face between her thighs. “This alright, luv?”

Buffy could only nod as he flicked out his tongue to taste her. “Oh, like sweet ambrosia, baby. Buffy, you’re so bleedin’ beautiful.” He dipped his tongue into her folds and she cried out. His poor neglected cock was purple with need but he ignored it and focused on giving Buffy a real seeing to.

“Spike...Ohhh, you’re so good to me... fuck!”

His fingers joined in to play and he thrust them into her making her arch up to meet them. He could feel how close she was and he stopped and looked up at her. “Look at me, luv, see me doing this to you.” She looked down at him and maintained eye contact as he took her clit into his mouth and sucked hard. She couldn’t keep her eyes open as her orgasm rushed over her. She threw her head back and moaned his name over and over. He coaxed her down with soft words and softer caresses.

“Love you so much,“ he whispered as he placed a final kiss to her pussy.

She pulled his head up and he rested it on her stomach, stroking her lightly. She brushed her fingers through his hair for a moment before she felt his cock prodding her leg. “Oh, Spike, what about you?”

“’S ok, pet, just wanted to make you feel good.”

She sat up and rolled him onto his back. “Don’t be silly, that can’t be comfortable.” She moved between his legs and kissed his stomach. She could see that his hard on had to be painful. She grasped him lightly and rubbed him against her cheeks before licking off the precum that had gathered at the head.

“Fuck, Buffy, please, please, baby, I need you.” He brought his hands to her hair and brushed it away from her face. “Please, Buffy, I’m so bloody close.”

Buffy took pity on him and leaned down to swallow him down as far as she could. He cried out loudly and tried desperately to keep his hips from thrusting into her face. His hands gripped her hair, but he kept his grip light and tried to calm himself. She hollowed her cheeks and sucked up until she only had the head in her mouth. He watched her lips surround him and he wasn’t surprised that the sight had his balls tightening.

“Buffy, so fucking beautiful...bloody gorgeous, luv. I love you so much. Yes, Buffy, yes...Ohh, I’m gonna cum, Buffy!” He tried to pull her back, but she shook her head softly and reached under his balls to stroke his ass. He cried out loud enough for the neighbors to hear and shot load after load into her mouth.

She swallowed him down and allowed him to pull her up for a deep kiss. “You’re bloody amazing, baby. Just amazing.”

She settled onto his chest as he pulled the blankets around them. “You liked it then?”

“Couldn’t you tell?” he asked kissing her temple. She just smiled. “Staying here tonight, then?”

“Is that ok?”

“Better than ok, luv, bloody brilliant idea.”

They stayed silent for a moment just enjoying the afterglow. “Spike, I do want to say-”

“Shh, luv, shh. No need to rush it. Just when you’re ready. I’m sorry, can’t keep it in sometimes.”

She kissed his chest and held him closer. “Do you think I’m a terrible person if I say I like hearing it?”

“No, no, pet. It’s the truth, nothing can change that. I’m not trying to make you feel guilty, I don’t want that.”

“I know, and I know it’s true.” She sighed and drew patterns on his stomach. “Just give me some time.”

“For that, I’ll give you all the time in the bloody world.”

A/N: Sorry about the wait, Easter and all that. Not much happens here, but next chapter will have some serious plot points so stay tuned for that. This here's just some Spuffy smut and some Spander flashback angst. God, if someone told me I'd be writing Spander smut a few months ago, I would have laughed at them, now look at me. Anyhow, reviews are much appreciated and make things come much faster. Thanks to all who have already done so.

-Bob Dylan, Let's Keep It Between Us

Buffy awoke to a gentle and talented hand between her legs and a very hard cock prodding her ass. She smiled sleepily and pressed his hand harder to her while grinding herself backward onto him eliciting a groan from both of them.

"Morning, luv," Spike whispered into her ear before kissing it gently. "Sleep well?"

"Mmmm." Buffy couldn't yet form a coherent sentence, what with the impending orgasm and her half awake status.

"I'll take that as a yes," he said pushing a finger inside her. She cried out softly and he moved a second to join the first. "How does that feel, baby?"

Buffy moaned loudly and pushed back on him. "Yes, Spike, more..."

He grinned and rubbed his thumb harder around her clit, not quite touching her in the way she needed it most. "Shall I let you come, kitten?" She nodded frantically and he began the long, hard strokes that he knew would bring her the most intense release. Finally, he couldn't take it anymore and he grabbed her free hand and brought it between them. "Touch me, Buffy," he moaned into her ear, "please touch me!"

She wrapped her hand around his cock and gave him a gentle squeeze before she swiped the generous amount of precum off the head and began to stroke him in the same rhythm he was touching her. "Oh, Spike, you're so hard, I wish you could be inside me."

He groaned and became impossibly harder at her comment, his strokes sped up and she essayed to match his pace. "Me too, baby, nothing I want more." He could tell she was close and he wanted to see what he could get away with. He moved one cum slicked digit back until it rested on the tight bud of her ass. She thrust into his hand and he pushed his finger inside. "You like that, luv?" He pumped all his fingers quickly and he felt his balls begin to tighten as she did the same. "I want to fuck you here, Buffy," he whispered, his voice thick with lust as he twisted his finger in her ass making her cry out. "I want to have my cock so deep in you that we can't tell where exactly we separate. You want that, pet?"

Buffy nodded and reached to fondle his balls and ass, she didn't know how much longer she would last with his dirty talk. "Tell me, baby, let me hear you say it."

"Spike, please, I'm so close."

"Tell me, Buffy, and I'll make you come so bloody hard you'll see stars."

"Yes, Spike," she gasped as he pushed his fingers deeper. "I want your cock in my ass, so far in me that you never leave, but right now I want you to come all over me."

She turned around quickly and humped his hand in earnest as she reached her now free hand around to fuck him just as he was doing her. She cried out first and spasmed around him but she never lost her rhythm and he followed close behind, spurting all over her stomach and breasts as she requested.

They lay together panting for a moment before Spike bent down and began to lick his spendings off of Buffy. She wasn't sure, but she thought maybe that was the hottest thing she'd ever seen. She moaned loudly again and ran her fingers through his hair as he licked and sucked her body until she was clean.

When he finished he looked up at her with desire filled eyes and she kissed him hard, tasting his cum on his tongue. She pulled away and brought his hand to her mouth and licked her own essence away. She felt his cock jump against her thigh as she did so and smiled.

Spike seemed willing to ignore his growing arousal for the moment and he pulled her so that she was facing him with their legs entwined and his arms around her. "I love you so much, Buffy, you're so beautiful, but I don't want to pressure you into anything. I got carried away there, I'm sorry."

At first she wasn't sure what he was talking about, but then she remembered his hot little mouth saying things that used to make her blush. "Spike, I'm not some delicate flower. Everything you said turned me on in a big way."

"Yeah?" he asked grinning shyly.

"Yeah," she said leaning in to kiss him softly and ruffle his already bed damaged hair. "We should probably get up soon, everyone's already sure they know what's going on, and I think between last night and this morning we've given them a hell of a lot of ammo."

He smiled proudly and pulled her against him. "Let 'em talk. I've got you here, nothing else matters."

"Except for homework."

Spike sighed and looked down. "Except for that, I suppose," he said kissing her nose. "Guess you better get back and do that then."

"Maybe, when you get nice and clean and ready for the day you could join me."

"Like the way you think, luv. Think I might get ready in record time today."

She kissed him and stood putting on her clothes from the night before. "Me too," she said before smiling back at him and closing the door.

***

"Did you guys have sex yet? It sure sounded like it."

Buffy had hoped to avoid being accosted by Anya in the hall, but apparently that was too much to ask for.

"No, we're not having sex yet." She grinned to herself at the memory of that morning.

"Yeah, then what's the I just had an orgasm grin about, and what's with the moaning and groaning Xander and I heard over our own last night?"

Buffy's cheeks flushed and Anya pointed an accusing finger at her.

"Did you lie to me just now, you must have, all evidence points to lots of sex, and good sex at that."

"No, we didn't have sex, and I'm not lying. Why would I lie?"

Anya thought for a moment. "Some misguided notion of propriety, a lot of people seem to have that. But it's kind of ridiculous in this house. Especially with the thin walls."

"Ok, now that that's settled, can I go?"

"No, you can't, and nothing was settled."

Buffy opened her mouth to reply but Willow and Tara cut her off. "What's the deal then? Did you get it out of her Anya?"

"She seems to be sticking to no sex, but we all heard that's not entirely true."

Buffy looked for help from the lesbians but they just shook their heads and laughed silently. "Yep, we all heard the 'Oh, Spike!'s and the 'Buffy, I'm gonna cum!'s last night. No need to be modest now."

"God, is everything fair game here? And he's your brother, aren't you a little grossed out?" she asked Willow.

"Well, after so many years hearing the orgasm musketeers go at it right next to my bedroom, I kind of have to accept it. I find that thinking of his much improved emotional state and not his seriously disgusting, no offence to anyone here, physical state, I'm ok."

Buffy silently thanked God that she didn't have to live with Dawn and her sexual partners anymore, she didn't think she could be as open minded about the whole thing as Willow was.

"So, did he give you a poke?"

"Anya!"

"What, it's what's on everyone's mind!"

Buffy sighed and shook her head. "Ok, here's the deal, and this is all you're getting from me so if you're looking for more you'll have to ask Spike. We're not having sex, and we won't be for a while, no matter how hard it is on both of us. We're just not ready for it yet."

"And the moaning?"

"I'm getting there," she said glaring at Anya. "We do however, have to relieve the tension some way, and that's what we were doing last night. Relieving tension, and you can take however much or little you want from that, it's all I'm saying."

Buffy managed to push past Anya and dart into her room slamming the door.

Anya turned to her friends. "Ok, who wants to go find Spike?"

***

Spike rubbed his hair with a towel and tried to get all the excess moisture out. He dropped the one from around his waist just as his door opened.

"Bloody hell, can a man get some buggering privacy here?"

Xander stepped inside. "Sorry, man, just wanted to ask about your date."

Spike smirked and turned to his closet to grab a pair of jeans. "'S ok, mate, thought you'd be Anya asking whether I'd scored yet."

"Well, she should be here soon enough, I told her I thought you'd be out working on the car so I bought us some time."

Spike buttoned his jeans and grabbed a shirt while smiling back at his friend. "Thanks, Xand." He pulled his shirt over his head and sat on his bed.

"I messed things up a bit, but I don't think it's too big a deal." Xander sat next to him and Spike looked over and noticed that he looked a little confused. "I told her that I loved her."

Xander let out a low whistle. "Wow, man, don't beat around the bush do you?"

"Well, shit, Xand. It's the bloody truth innit? Couldn't keep it in with her making me ache every time we're not touching."

Xander patted his friends back. "She didn't return it, I guess?"

"Nah, says she's not ready, and really I can't blame her. We met just a month ago and I'm head over my buggering heels. It's driving me crazy and I don't even understand why she means so much to me already. Imagine if I know her for a few years."

Xander was suddenly hit with a memory he'd tried to forget. He remembered that he was part of the reason Spike was so hurt by Buffy's lack of response. At least she hadn't freaked out like he had.

"Why am I... Why am I doing this?! You think I'm some fucking fag like you, Will? Think I want you to stick your limp little cock in me now? You can fucking forget it! We had a deal, we're just friends, we just fuck around because Anya's not here and you can't get anyone to even look at you!"

Spike looked over at Xander and had a feeling he knew what he was thinking about. "No worries, mate," he said softly.

Xander looked at him and shook his head. "I was just stupid, Will, it wasn't you."

"I know," he said, though the memory still cut him open in a place he tried to keep buried. "She says she wants to say it, so I'm trying not to worry about it too much. If I play my cards right, she'll come round." He tried to put on a confident smile but Xander saw through him.

"If she really deserves you, she'll realize how priceless you are." He leaned over and kissed Spike softly before standing. "I better go, Anya should be here looking for you any second. I suggest you get Buffy and get out."

Spike pulled on his boots and stood. "Good plan, thanks for the help. I'll have my phone if anyone needs anything, but only emergencies. No bloody Spike's sex life questions."

"Gotcha. I'll let everyone know."

Xander smiled at Spike as he walked out the door. Once he was alone he allowed his eyes to shut in an effort to erase his guilt. He had a feeling though, that nothing could undo the damage he'd done to his best friend.

A/N: Ok, I’ve had the shittiest day from shitville so I hope this chapter doesn’t reflect that too much. I kept dreaming about the aftermath of Spike and Xander’s encounter from last chapter so I just had to wrap some things up and keep a thread open in case I want to explore it more. Let me know which parts you like and which you hate, if everyone is completely bored with the whole Xander/Spike thing I’ll leave it, but if people like it I’ll keep going. Keep the reviews coming, and thanks for all who are doing so!

-Bob Dylan, Love Sick

Buffy smiled down at William as she stroked his hair while he slept, his head pillowed in her lap. He'd come into her room about an hour after her encounter and tried to convince her to do things not in any way related to studying. She'd compromised and allowed him to rest his head in her lap while she read. She realized that the times she'd found him watching her with half lidded eyes in the middle of the night were not isolated occurrences. He'd been awake all night and now he was unable to stay awake.

His brow furrowed occasionally and he'd been making a few pained noises in the past few minutes and she figured that she hadn't cured all of his sleep issues. She tried to smooth away his worry with her caresses, but he continued to toss and turn lightly in his sleep.

"What's going on in there, Spike?"

Spike woke with a start and found that Buffy was cooing to him softly, holding him in her arms. He realized that he was nearly hyperventilating and he tried to calm his breathing. After only a few minutes he was able to compose himself and he pulled back.

“Sorry, the dreams... sometimes-”

“Don’t apologize, I have nightmares too.”

He nodded and kissed her softly. “I hate ‘em, make me feel all kinds of strange when I get up.” He tried to work the kinks out of his neck and saw her book. “I interrupted your studying.”

She smiled. “Truth be told, I was looking for an interruption. Found the perfect one right here.”

They kissed softly but soon it was developing into something much more heated. Her book was pushed to the floor as Spike allowed her to unbutton his shirt and push it off of his shoulders. She was just reaching for his belt buckle when his phone rang.

“Oh, bloody buggering fuck!” he cursed under his breath, giving her an apologetic look and reaching for his phone. “Better be a bloody emergency, mate, because if it’s not I swear I’ll-”

Buffy noticed his back stiffen under her hand that was stroking him. She knew it was bad the second she got a look at his face and she pulled his shirt off the floor and helped him put it on. He looked at her when he hung up the phone and she could see now in his eyes just how terrified he was.

“What do you need?”

“Hospital.” He grabbed his keys off the table and she stayed his hand.

“Let me drive Spike, you’re too upset.”

He nodded silently and followed her to the car. The drive was so much like the last time’s that Buffy wondered if she hadn’t traveled back in time to before they’d been together. He pulled out a cigarette, but this time she nodded before he could ask.

They arrived and she held his hand tightly as they walked into the ER. He asked for Willow and Tara and she realized that she hadn’t even known who was in trouble.

Something about him was off as they approached the room that Willow was in. He was too tense and angry too, but they hadn’t even known what happened, just that they were hurt, for all they knew it could have been a car accident, or some freak thing that could happen to anybody. She remembered the way he’d reacted when Xander was hurt, and she knew that somehow these two events were connected.

Spike only let go of her hand when he was right next to Willow, he reached out both of his arms and captured her in a hug both passionate and fragile. “God, Willow, I was so bloody worried.”

Willow was hooked up to an IV and there was a bandage around her head and a cast on her wrist, but other than that she looked alright. A few cuts on her face and arms told Buffy that she’d probably been in a fight.

“I’m alright, Spike, I’m ok.” He pulled back and she managed a weak smile for him. “How’s Tara?”

“They won’t let me see her yet. Said maybe... that she’d probably pull through... it’s just shaky now, Red.” It sounded like every word was being ripped out of his chest, and Buffy imagined that’s probably what it felt like for him. His love for Tara, hell for everyone he lived with was so deep and passionate, she was surprised he had room for all that emotion.

The two siblings stared at each other for a minute before Willow broke down completely in Spike’s arms. “It was so horrible, Will, I couldn’t help her, I tried to so hard, and I couldn’t move.”

“Shh, luv, shh. I’ve got you, Will’s got you. I won’t let anything happen to her, you bloody well know that.”

“What if-”

“Don’t even think it, luv. I promised that I’d keep us all safe, and I’m not going to let her go. Don’t you worry you’re pretty head about it.” He swallowed hard and stared into nothing as he gathered the courage to ask her the most important thing.

“You know who it was, lamb?”

Willow nodded and one look in her eyes gave him all the answers he needed.

He stood stiffly and kissed her head softly. “I’m taking bloody well care of it. I left it alone after Xander because I was too fucking caught up in myself, but I’m not letting her touch my girls. I’m going to fucking take care of this now.”

His voice was deadly serious and Buffy shuddered at the severity of his tone. Without another word he turned and stalked out into the hall toward the parking lot.

“Will! Spike! Wait!”

Buffy looked from the door to Willow, unsure of what was happening and what exactly she should be doing about it.

“Buffy, you’ve got to stop him, if he goes out looking for them tonight, he’s going to get himself killed.”

That was all she needed to hear before she shot out behind him calling his name.

A/N: Sorry this is so damn short, but I had to get it out, and tacking it on to what I have planned for next chapter would make it too long. Hope you enjoy this, and I'll try to have the rest of this part out tomorrow night at the latest. Reviews are always appreciated and loved. Thanks!

-Bob Dylan, Not Dark Yet

Spike paced next to the car. He had to ask Buffy for the keys before he could leave, but he couldn't look at her right now, or anyone for that matter. He needed to settle things with Dru once and for all. He knew that allowing what happened to Xander to go by without any word was a mistake, but he hoped that maybe she would lay off if he didn't react.

At least that's what he told himself. He was scared to face her again. Scared that she'd say just the right thing to draw him back in. She was so damn good and finding his weakness and using it against him until he broke into tiny pieces at her feet. She'd gotten him to fuck for money, there wasn't much more you could ask of a person than to give you their body and their dignity.

He shook his head to clear the memories. That was all he needed, to be paralyzed by some remembrance of a time when he was lower than dirt and he loved it because she wanted him to.

God, but he was the ultimate fool for love. She'd told him that, of course. Explained to him that he was so fucking scared of being alone that he'd do anything to keep her. He'd fuck, he'd steal, he'd lie, he'd kill for her. And he'd do it all for nothing more than the crumbs she fed him out of her filthy palm. He'd wallowed in shit for her for a year, and he knew that it'd be all too easy for her to get him to do it again.

She had all the magic words. Knew all the buttons to push. Was well aware of all the places you could touch Spike and make him a little puppy that loved to beg.

He could still hear the neediness and desperation in his voice. He could still remember how it felt like his heart was being ripped out of his chest as she sold him to anyone who could get her what she wanted. He did it all for her and she still rejected him.

He turned quickly and slammed his fist into the lamp pole next to him. It felt good to feel something else for a change. He could either fuck or fight to forget. He preferred to fuck, but as nothing was around, he'd settle for a tussle with an inanimate object.

"Spike?"

He looked back and saw Buffy running toward him. In that moment he looked to her like a wild animal backed into a corner. His eyes darted around for an escape and his fists clenched and unclenched at his sides.

"Spike, it's just me."

He wanted to tell her to get away from him, he was too high-strung at the moment to be rational. If everyone would just leave him alone, he'd have it out with the bloody pole and be done. He could face the bitch that was his ex and finish things like he should have done a long time ago.

He looked up and saw her fear, it brought what little sanity he had left at the moment to the forefront and he took a deep breath to calm himself.

"You should get out of her, luv, I'm not myself just now."

"Spike, I think-"

"I said get the fuck out of here, Buffy. I don't give a buggering fuck what you think right now."

Buffy had to stop herself from responding in kind as was her instinct. "Spike, you need to calm down and talk to me."

He took a step forward and pulled her to him roughly. "That really what you want, pet?" She struggled lightly against him but she wasn't exactly sure what needed to be done. His moods were mercurial at times, but he needed more than anything to be understood. Still, she could be playing with fire here. "I'm giving you one last chance to get the hell away from me before I break, you got that, lamb, one last fucking chance."

She stared at him for a moment and saw nothing in his eyes, it scared her more than she cared to admit. "Fuck you, Spike, don't try to intimidate me."

He turned and slammed her against the car, his body pressed tightly against hers. "You wanna play, pet? You wanna see the real me."

"I've already seen it, William."

"Don't fucking call me that!" He kissed her harshly and grabbed her hands, pinning them behind her. "You think I'm just some simpering little boy you can jerk around because I told you about my vulnerable past?" He ground his hips against hers and leaned in to whisper in her ear. "Stupid little bitch, oldest trick in the goddamn book."

She pushed him off violently and he nearly fell down. "Don't try that shit, you know it doesn't work," she yelled at him angrily.

"Nah, luv, this works much better on you." He grabbed his crotch and pinned to her to car again. "Like it like this, Buffy?"

A slow, sexy smile spread across her face. "Yeah, I like it like that." She used his moment of confusion to shove him to ground. "But it won't be you, Spike. You can sit there and played scared little boy all night long. I'm sick of this shit. If you don't get the fuck up, dust yourself off, apologize for being an asshole, and tell me what in the fucking hell is going on, I'm leaving, and this time I really won't come back."

They stared at each other for a moment and right as Buffy was deciding to leave, Spike covered his face and spoke. "Please.. just give me a minute."

Buffy let out a silent sigh and thanked God he'd come to his senses. She'd invested too much of herself to walk away, it would have killed her to do so.

Spike stood slowly and reached out hesitantly to touch her hand. She met him halfway and squeezed reassuringly. He sighed with relief and ran his free hand through his hair. "I'm sorry, I-"

"Just leave it at that. I know. Just tell me what's going on."

Spike looked around them and then back to the ground. "Can we... I want to be alone with you. Let's sit in the car or something."

Buffy nodded and pulled him toward the car, she opened the back door and when he looked at her questioningly she just got inside and pulled him with her. "If we sit in front, I'll feel like I'm too far away. I want to be with you right now. I think you need that."

He looked so grateful to her and incredulous that she could be so understanding that she had to smile. "I know, I don't know how I can be so kind either. Think maybe you bring out the best in me."

Spike looked down and fidgeted with his hands. "I wish I could be a better-"

"Shh," she put a finger to his lips and shook her head, leaning in close. "No wishes. Let's just do what we should and deal when we do what we shouldn't. I'm sick of talking about the past like it's going to change. We've got to face what we've done and move forward. You're living in the past, Spike, and it's killing you."

She leaned forward and kissed him softly. He didn't respond at first, but soon he was accepting all she was giving him and trying to give back what he could. It was just a meeting of lips, comfort and security, and what she hoped he understood as love.

They broke the kiss and pulled each other into a tight embrace. "Help me, Buffy. I want to but I can't do it alone."

"You know I'll help you, you know I care."

He nodded against her neck and placed a soft, sweet kiss there before pulling back to look her in the eyes. "When I told you about what I did with Dru, there are some things I left out. You asked me why I stopped, and I never answered you."

"I thought maybe that it just became too much."

"That it did, but you only know half of what it was." He took a deep breath and looked her in the eyes. "If after you hear this... if you want to go, or maybe you just want to be friends, I'll get it."

"Spike-"

"No, Buffy, I'm giving you this out because there's a good chance you'll take it. I'm not a good person, I've told you this before, but you're going to hear exactly why I say this, and you'll probably agree. If you want to pull away," he thought of Dru and flinched at the memory, "I'll get it, and I won't hold it against you."

He held both her hands in his and kissed each knuckle reverently. "Just promise me you'll give the truth about what you feel. I can't have it come up later when you let it come to surface and can't take it anymore. If you can't stand me, I want to know, don't try to hide it. Please, Buffy, it's all I ask."

She thought for a moment about all the consequences and then nodded. "I promise, Spike."

He tugged her hands gently and she moved to lay her head in his lap. He ran his fingers through her hair and sighed softly. "I have to start... You need to know about my mum... not my real mum, but Jenny, woman that practically raised me." She could hear the tremor in his voice and she stroked his knee lightly. "What happened to her... because of me, it's like what's happening now. And... what I did because of it."

He stroked her cheek lightly and she looked up at him. "Ready, pet?"

Buffy nodded and he began.

A/N: So, here's the final part of Spike's painful past. If you don't particularly care, skip it. If you do care about this sub-plot, please, enjoy. And either way, reviews are good ways to get what you want most out of this story, so please use that tool. Thanks.

-Bob Dylan, Where Are You Tonight?

"She moved in with us when I was just about seven, but she'd been unofficially around for as long as I can remember. She always treated me like I was her own, and she always understood me, she understood everything."

"That was the last time I saw her."

"But you must have gone back."

Spike looked into her eyes and again there was emptiness. "I was too late."

"I don't understand."

"The man.. that Dru and I had been..." Buffy nodded and he continued. "We knew it was a bad situation, so we just tried to avoid him, just skip out of town for a while. He didn't like that."

Buffy swallowed and closed her eyes for a moment.

"When we came back, he found us. He took it out on me, I told him not to touch Dru so I got the brunt of it. My father wouldn't look at me, he knew what I'd become, because at this point it was just Angel that was cashing in on my bargain. Dru was pretty much pimping me out to anyone who would have me."

"Angel?"

"That was his name, pretty fucking ironic, ain't it."

She didn't say anything but something crossed her face that Spike couldn't identify, she when back to stroking his back lightly and he covered his face. "When I saw her, Buffy, she looked so... There was nothing, and it was because of me. It was my shit that killed her, and I didn't even have a chance to look presentable. I got blood on her face and I embarrassed her."

Buffy didn't know what to say so she remained silent.

"There was only one way I could make anything even slightly better."

"What was it?"

"I could avenge her."

"What happened after that."

"You mean what did we do with the body?"

Buffy nodded silently, her eyes were as big as saucers and Spike wondered if he should have ever told her the truth, how hard would it have been to make something else up. "Dad had connections, he had a cleaner come in and take care of it. Don't ask me how the head of the English department knows these people. Must be something from the Ripper days."

Buffy was staring at her hands and Spike sighed. "Feel free to take your leave of us."

She looked up at him and pulled him into a tight hug. "I'm not leaving."

All the tension drained from his body at her words and he pulled her into his lap holding onto her for dear life. "I'm a murderer, Buffy."

"I don't care."

He pulled back to look at her. "You will." He sighed and dropped his hands from her sides. "If you don't face this, it's going-"

"I am facing it. I just... Spike, we said we were going to stop living in the past. You're not proud that you killed him, but let's be honest, he wasn't exactly a candidate for pope. The guy raped you for fun, slept with the woman you loved, fucked with your head, and most of all, he killed your mother because you tried to get out from under his control. He and Drusilla played you, and you snapped. I don't think many people can say that they wouldn't have."

"I just... God, Buffy, how can you be so good to me?"

She just shook her head and kissed him. That was a good enough answer for Spike.

A/N: Sorry, sorry, sorry for the wait. I don't plan on that happening again so I should go back to a more regular schedule. Thanks for all the reviews, and please, please keep them coming. A lot of the beginning is Spike/Tara past, but I think now that Spike's pretty much an open book, his stuff is done and Buffy's is going to be more important. So yes, she does have a past, and it will come to haunt her just like everybody else. But, her's isn't as terrible as Spike's.

-Bob Dylan, Farewell Angelina

They sat for a while longer in the car just exchanging soft touches and even softer kisses. Spike seemed to be out of tears for the moment but he was still trembling against her. Eventually, Buffy reminded him that they should go back to check on Tara and Willow and Spike's eyes cleared. He looked panicked for a moment and she stroked his back to calm him while he took a few deep breaths.

"God, I've gotta get back in there."

He moved to open the door but she covered his hand with hers. "Wait, I need you to promise me something."

He looked back at her expectantly and she took his face in her hands. "Please don't go after these people by yourself. Please don't get involved in all of it again." He opened his mouth to speak but she put a finger to his lips. "No, I understand that something had to be done, but we'll work it out together. I don't have to be there when it all goes down, but I want to know, and I want you to be safe about it. Willow seemed really upset and was sure that you might get killed." She paused and made sure he was looking into her eyes. "I'm really too fond of you to let you go now."

He recognized the sentiment behind her words and it touched him. He kissed her and nodded. "I promise. Thank you, Buffy."

She opened the door and they got out of the car holding hands. "Let's go see if we can figure anything more about Tara.

***

It wasn't good news. Spike had squeezed Buffy's hand painfully as they learned of Tara's condition. She'd suffered extensive damage to her head and they weren't sure when, if, or what condition she'd be in upon waking. They had moved her into a room equipped for visitors and after a bit of wrangling, they allowed Spike in to see her. They had tried to get Willow inside as well but she was still being monitored. Buffy decided it would be best if Spike could see her alone. She gave him a tender kiss and cupped his cheek.

He closed his eyes and leaned into her touch. "Thank you, I still can't believe you're being so damn understanding about all my shit."

"Of course I am, Spike."

He looked into her eyes, searching for that little thing he desperately needed but she looked away. There was a short awkward moment but Spike touched her hand and smiled. "Come and get me when you want to leave, luv."

"No, I want you to have all the time you need. I'll just go and sit with Willow. I think Xander and Anya are already in there. You come when you're ready."

He kissed her quickly and turned toward Tara's room.

***

He stood looking into the room for almost ten minutes before he finally entered. He approached her bed warily, the guilt weighing him down even more every step. He finally reached her bed and pulled a chair up next to it. His hands ghosted over her face and arms before he finally found the courage to take her hand in his.

"Tara..." He sighed and put his head down next to hers on the pillow. "Baby, please wake up."

Tears he thought his body couldn't possibly produce anymore of leaked out of his eyes and onto the pillow. He sniffled softly and tried to wipe them away, but more took their place and he gave up. "I'm so... bloody hell Tara, I'm so fucking sorry."

He moved one hand up to touch her face lightly. There were bruises around her eyes and on one temple where she'd been hit. They'd cleaned the blood off of her face, but he could still tell where she was cut. He winced as he touched every part of her that had been wounded and he swore he could feel them himself.

"I can't... there's so much... fuck it all Tara, I love you too much to lose you completely." He began to stroke her cheek. "Remember when we met, I was such a sorry bastard before you. Pinin' after Xander, afraid to talk to the girls, sure I was a queen. Then I saw you in that poetry class, remember? God, it was just a few of us, nobody wanted to take that class. Just me and you, and a bunch of jocks and cheerleaders who had to take it 'cause it was the only thing fitting in their schedules." He chuckled and ran a hand over her brow.

"You blew me away, baby. Knew so bloody much, more than I could ever hope to, and I'd never thought that soulmates existed until then." He kissed her swollen lips and a sob choked him. "I know that I wasn't all that you needed... or wanted, but you made me feel like I was all you saw. Still do sometimes."

"I wanted you to be happy, and I think Willow makes you happy, I know you do it for her. Somethin' about us Giles children, ey, pet?" He put his head back on the pillow and watched her. "Come on back, luv, we all need you here. Hold us together, you do. Come on Tara, if not for me... Red needs you, baby. Wake up."

***

William looked very pained at his point and she considered taking it back, but her took a deep breath and began. "I.. I loved him, and I told him. He's not gay and he wouldn't... He couldn't care for me like that... I was [fucking fag.stupid queer.never be your boyfriend.sick.dirty.wrong.disgusting.] wrong to think of him that way."

Spike shot up next to her and shook his head. He hadn't dreamt about Tara, and especially not of that night in a long time. He hated thinking about hot completely clueless he'd been. It made him want to doubt Buffy, hell, doubt everyone. He could reason away Xander's rejection, they were just kids and scared as hell about what caring about another man meant. He could definitely pass by Dru's even if it was hard, she was crazy and if he hadn't been so high he might've realized some things sooner.

Tara had no reason to never love him, to reject him, other than the fact he wasn't right for her. He wasn't enough. He wasn't his sister. The tide of resentment he felt immediately almost drowned him. He'd come close in the past to hating Willow, but he couldn't do it. Thinking about Tara though, it made things a little tougher to ignore.

He shook his head again and thought of Buffy. Beautiful, sweet, understanding Buffy. She knew now all the worst parts of him, she'd been the brunt of a few of his lapses in judgment.

"Will?"

Spike looked over quickly and saw Tara's eyes on him. He smiled a broadly and sincerely as he could considering where his mind was headed and smoothed a hand over her brow. "Hey, baby, how're you feeling?"

"Head hurts. Willow?"

"She's fine, a little banged up, but fine. Shall I get the doctor?"

He didn't really want to be in the same room with her now that she was awake. All the guilt he felt about the whole thing came rushing back and he felt a need to do something really painful to Dru immediately.

"Will, don't do anything stupid. Call Giles, deal with it with him."

Spike clenched his fists and then took a deep breath. "Don't really fancy hearin' dear ol' dad's ranting about my loose ends."

"He's not going to blame you for this. You've come so far, he knows what's happened. He just wants you and Willow safe."

He nodded. "I'll get the doctor then, see if I can get Willow."

He moved to stand up and leave but she touched his hand. "What is it?"

He realized that he'd been taking out his frustration over the old and new on her and it wasn't fair. They'd come to terms with the past long ago, and he wasn't about to open old wounds because he was feeling insecure about Buffy. "I'm sorry."

"Buffy?"

"Something like that. Just a little... I don't know."

"I'm sorry that you have to be wary of everybody you love. It's not fair."

"Nothin' to do about it, pet. No worries, que sera and all that." She knew his tactics better than anyone but Xander and she gave him a look. He sighed and lost the tough act. "I'll be fine, luv," he whispered.

She touched his face and he leaned in and kissed her softly. "I'll take care of it, Willow will be in, I promise. I'll check in later too, yeah?"

"I think maybe you and Buffy should go back home. Rest, Will. I'll be fine."

He nodded, kissed her cheek and walked out without looking back, afraid he'd throw himself into her lap and weep if he did.

***

Spike did some of his best threatening/coercing and Willow was able to see Tara, though only for a while, and they wouldn't release her until tomorrow. Tara would possibly stay longer, but it seemed she was out of the woods. Xander and Anya stuck around and assured Spike that they would call if anything happened and finally he and Buffy were in her car and on their way home.

She was a little surprised when he took her hand and held it tightly on the way back, but she figured he was feeling a little needy after everything at the hospital. She was ready with comfort if he wanted it, she just couldn't stand to see that little boy lost look on his face for too long.

When they reached home, he pulled her into a tight embrace before they could get to the front door. He seemed like he was trying to say something again and again but he could never get it out. She decided the best course of action at this point would be to let him work out whatever it was he needed to and she would just be there for him.

She tugged on him a little and they moved into the house and to his bedroom. She helped him undress and put him in his bed. She wasn't sure if he wanted her to stay so she folded his things and tried to take as much time as she could so that he could ask her if he wanted to. When he remained silent she said goodnight and moved to the door but he grabbed her arm.

"Please?"

She understood just how hard this night had been on him and she nodded without a word. She'd gotten as far as removing her coat when he phone rang. She looked at the caller ID and froze.

"Oh, shit."

Spike looked up and she nearly panicked before she shook her head at him and answered.

"Hi.... umm, can you give me a minute? Ok, thanks."

She moved to the bed next to Spike and ran a hand over his hair. "I'll be back in just a few minutes, ok, baby?"

He nodded and gave her that look again, and she couldn't resist kissing the top of his head before stepping outside. She walked until she was in the front of the house near her car before she took a breath and put the phone to her ear.

"Hi, Riley, sorry."

"I haven't heard from you in a while."

She thought of something to say but he spoke first.

"I guess this is it then?"

"I'm sorry."

"Is it Spike?"

"Riley..."

"Of course it is." He tried not to sound angry, but it didn't work. "Can you just... Why?"

"Riley, please."

"No, Buffy, I think I at least deserve a reason. Are you sleeping with him already, that where you were?"

"Riley, that's not fair."

"Why isn't it. I do the right thing, let you have time, and you shack up with him without even a word to your actual boyfriend."

"I know it was bad, but sometimes things just can't be helped."

"Yeah." She could hear how tight his voice was and she felt horrible for doing this to him.

"I'm sorry."

"You said that already, can you answer my question."

"What?"

"Why him?"

Buffy thought for a moment. She'd never really considered why she was able to fall so fast and hard for Spike, and she really hadn't considered the fact she could forget Riley existed for days. Why was she with Spike, they hadn't even established what they were, and he loved her but... she hadn't said the same. Hadn't said it, there had been something holding her back.

"Buffy?"

"Hold on?"

She was getting to something. Something key, it was almost like she could feel her reservations falling away and she wasn't sure why. Then it hit her. She wasn't ready because she didn't know him. She thought she knew him, but he had left something out, and she had sensed it. Now she was ready. Oh wow.

"I love him."

***

Spike was getting nervous. He didn't know why she had left, someone was on the phone and she didn't look very happy about it. He could only think of one person that would make her that nervous that he knew of and that thought scared him more than he'd like to admit.

After all of his worry and her care, if Riley phoned and she left to be with him....

He couldn't even think about it. His heart sped up, his breathing was getting a little labored and he realized his hands were shaking. He was panicking. Shit, he was having a fucking panic attack, and he hadn't had one since he was a teenager.

His eyes darted around the room for a reason to calm down. He tried to take deep breaths but he was choking on nothing, he couldn't breathe.

He clutched the bedsheets and closed his eyes searching for some kind of peace but all he could see was Riley and Buffy, Riley on his Buffy, Riley fucking Buffy.

He was driving himself insane, going crazy and he couldn't move.

The door opened but he didn't notice, he was too involved in the hell he'd created for himself where Buffy laughed while she fucked that creep and let Spike see how much she really cared for him.

"Spike? Spike, oh my god, what's wrong?"

He looked at her, there, in his bed, no Riley and part of him was ok again, but his body had yet to respond. He closed his eyes and tried to breathe and slowly he was starting to be able to again. He grabbed at her hands and she held him close.

They rocked for a moment and she whispered to him as he relaxed. Finally after what seemed to him like hours, he was ok.

"Sorry.. sorry, luv."

"What happened?"

"Just got a little panicked, probably just the adrenaline. Like shock leftover from the hospital."

He didn't sound very sure of that but she let it slide. "Let me get undressed and we can just lay down, ok?"

He nodded and she stripped down her panties and pulled on his shirt. She climbed into bed next to him and he buried his face once again in her neck. "Love you... Love you, Buffy."

She pulled back from him and looked him in the eyes. The thought of telling him was starting to scare her but she refused to lose her nerve. "Spike... I love you too."

She watched as a million emotions flitted across his face, but she latched onto joy and he seemed to as well. He pulled her to him and kissed her passionately, but with enough tenderness to show her he was still a little wary of the whole thing.

"Oh, Buffy, God, luv! You... oh, baby, so good to me."

Their kissing turned into a bit more but before too much could happen, Spike pulled back. "I'm not sure... we should maybe wait still. I want it to be bloody perfect, Buffy, tonight's been so crazy-"

"I know, and I think you're right." She nuzzled his cheek and smiled when she felt him do the same. "Sleeping with you, I love that. Waking up with you is even better."

"Mmmm...."

He was already drifting off, and she didn't blame him, it had been a long day.

"Tell me again."

"I love you."

"Again."

She smiled and kissed his neck. "Love you, love you, love you. Good?'

"For now I s'pose," he mumbled into her neck before slipping into sleep.

A/N: Please please me. Review! Oh, and I really liked writing this, I hope you like reading it. Again, please review.

Spike dreamt of Tara and Xander. Of Willow and Anya. He watched them together and he hurt but something was changing inside him. Something was filling up a place that was dead, and places that he hadn't even known existed before. He could feel Buffy all around him, could smell her, taste her. Her warmth seeped into his body and he felt whole for the first time since he'd really understood that his mother was dead and never coming back. She wasn't going to leave him. His best friend, his first love, his sister, his father, the mothers he knew and didn't know, they could abandon him but Buffy was always there.

He moved slowly toward consciousness and he felt Buffy pressed up against his back leaving soft, tender kisses on his neck. Her fingernails were lightly grazing his stomach and that really wasn't helping in the effort to forget about his morning erection.

"Mmmm..."

"Morning."

Spike didn't say anything, just reached back to stroke her thigh with one hand and entwine his fingers with hers over his stomach. He could feel her smiling against his back as her free hand drifted down to dance around his cock without ever touching him. It was driving him crazy, but it was a good crazy.

"Buffy..." It came out as a contented sigh as she finally closed her deft fingers around him. "Yes, luv."

"I love you in the morning."

He smiled without opening his eyes. "Just the morning, pet?"

"Well, ok, all the time. But you're so cute when you're all sleepy and purring like a kitten."

He turned and pinned her to the bed faster than she would have guessed possible in those circumstances. "Cute? Purring? Think you might be projecting."

She reached up to ruffle his already messed hair. "Nope. I have terrible and unmanageable bed hair, yours is just plain adorable."

He growled and attacked her neck with open-mouthed kisses that had her gasping and moaning in seconds. "Your hair is always beautiful, just like the rest of you."

"Less talky more bitey."

He laughed and resumed his previous task while she maneuvered her hand between them to stroke him again. He moaned and closed his hand over hers pressing her tighter. He moved from her neck to her collarbone and then began to pull up the hem of the shirt she was wearing.

“Spike?”

“Hmm?”

“Maybe we should...”

Her hand stopped moving though her fingers where still wrapped around him and he looked up into her eyes. “What is it?”

“I’m not... we’re kinda one step away here, don’t you think?”

He smoothed the shirt back down and brought her hand from his aching cock to his lips and kissed her fingers. “Yeah... after last night....” He sighed. “Things might be harder to control now, eh?”

She nodded and he kissed her tenderly trying not to think about how angry his dick was going to be with him for making this decision.

“I’m sorry, I do want to, just-”

He rolled off of her and propped himself up on his elbow. “No worries, luv. I want to too.” They both looked down and she couldn’t help but grin at his grimace. “Just want it to be right. Can’t rush everything can we?”

She shook her head, feeling terrible about leaving him like that. She contemplated just finishing him off and then taking a shower to help herself but he moved out of bed and pulled on his jeans. “I think I might need a shower right about now.”

“Yeah, guess that’s a good idea.”

She watched him gingerly tuck himself into his jeans and walk delicately over to kiss her again. “Was gonna ask you,” he paused and she looked at him expectantly. “I need to talk to.. my father...” It seemed a lot harder than it should for him to say those words and she reached for his hand. “Think you’d like to.. maybe meet him today?”

She sat up and brought a hand to his cheek. “Yeah, of course. Let me have some time to get ready and we can go.”

He nodded and stood. He ran a hand over he hair before smiling softly and walking to the bathroom. She got her things from his room and on her way past the bathroom where she could hear the shower going, she couldn’t help but lean in to listen.

“Buffy...”

She grinned and made her way to her room.

***

Buffy could feel the tension rolling off of Spike as they approached a small house near the campus. He pulled into the drive and shut off the engine before looking over at her. He’d held her hand, more and more tightly as the ride went on and now he brought it up to his lips and kissed it softly.

“Are you gonna be ok?”

“Yeah... Just a little nervous. Last time we talked things were good and I thought... Now it’s all fucked again and I don’t know how he’s gonna react. Maybe we should come together some other time, when he’s not almost sure to hate me again.”

“Spike... It’s ok, nobody has the perfect parent/child relationship worked out. You’ve told me about most of the problems and I don’t think he’s going to freak out and blame you for this.” She left out the “again” part, sure he was filling it in himself and hugged him tightly. “I want to be here for you.”

“God you’re amazing.”

She smiled brightly and opened her door after quickly kissing him. “I know.”

They walked up the drive and to the door hand in hand and she gave him a reassuring squeeze before he knocked.

An older man with only a slight resemblance to Spike, but a huge one to what she imagined William was like greeted them.

“William, son, how are you?”

They embraced and Buffy couldn’t help but smile at the affection in the older man’s eyes for his child. She knew they’d had hard times, but she could see it wasn’t possible for this man to feel anything more than love for his son.

Spike cleared his throat and stepped back. “Umm, fine, Dad...” He put a hand at the small of Buffy’s back and urged her forward. “I’d like you to meet someone. This is Buffy Summers. Buffy, this is my father, Rupert Giles.”

She smiled and he took her hand and shook it warmly returning her smile and nodding. “Hello, Buffy, it’s a pleasure to meet you.”

“Pleasure to meet you, Mr. Giles.”

“Oh please, just Giles, or Rupert if you prefer, though no one’s called me that name in years.” He gestured for them to come inside and they moved into the sitting room. It wasn’t a large home, but it was homey and Buffy could see a young William living in a place like this, with a lot of books and a distinctly British look to the furniture.

“Sit down, sit down. Tea?”

Spike’s nervousness wasn’t really lessening and Buffy took his hand again in hopes of calming him down. “That sounds great, Giles. Right, Spike?”

He looked up suddenly and she could tell this place was bringing back a lot of memories, and probably not pleasant ones. “Umm, yeah, Dad, thanks.”

While Giles busied himself in the kitchen Buffy tried to ease Spike’s anxiety with soft touches. “It’ll be ok, Spike. Everyone’s fine, and you’re going to deal with this in a way that will make him proud.”

He just looked at her and kissed her a little desperately before he resumed his earlier musing over memories. Giles returned soon after and sat down after handing out their cups.

“So, William, what brings you here?”

Spike took a deep breath and looked up at his father. Buffy could see the tension settle in the older man’s body and she tensed as well. “Willow... had and accident. She’s fine now,” he added quickly.

Most of the color drained from Giles’ face and Buffy squeezed Spike’s hand hard. “What happened?”

“She was... There was a fight... She and Tara were attacked.. Xander too a few weeks ago. Everybody’s ok, but we.. I need to take care of it.”

“And have you?” There was something deadly and too grave about his voice and Buffy started to realize why Spike was so terrified.

“I will. I’m going to today, just thought you should know about things before anything goes down. Don’t want you to be out of the loop and clueless if they call you to identify my body.”

“Spike!”

“William!”

Buffy shook her head and brought her other hand to cover their joined ones trying to remain calm. Giles wasn’t so able to restrain himself.

“You’re not doing this again, are you? Getting into these bloody situations and not being able to get out, because we’ve come too damn far for you to do this to us... to do it to yourself.”

Spike looked at the ground. “I’m not... I think Dru’s back in town and I didn’t know. Xander got hurt, and now Willow, and she thinks.... I’m not questioning it. This is just revenge. I haven’t seen her since that night and I don’t know why she chose now but she did. I’m taking care of it. I swear.”

Giles sat and drank his tea for a moment silently before looking back at his son. “Do you need anything? Help from anyone? I can call in a few favors.”

“No, I want this to be done. I need to do it. I need...” Spike shook his head and Giles looked over at Buffy.

“I understand, son, I do. I’m glad you came to talk to me. I want to help you, but only if you need it. Remember pride goeth-”

“Before the fall, yeah I remember.”

They were all silent for a moment before Giles looked over at Buffy again. “So, Buffy, where did you meet William?”

***

They left the house amid Buffy and Giles’ laughter and Spike’s groans.

“I bloody hate it when he starts with those stories.”

Buffy grinned up at him and leaned against him as they walked to the car. It was much later in the afternoon and they were both surprised that they had stayed so long. Buffy was happy that things had turned out like they did. She really liked Spike’s father, and he seemed to like her. She could see that the events of the past had left a big impression on both of the men, but it had worked out for the best. They could respect one another, and be there to help if need be.

They got into the car and Spike stuck the key in the ignition but then stopped and looked at Buffy. “I have to go.”

The grin faded and she looked down at their hands, they hadn’t really been separated all day. Now he was going off to do something they sounded way too dangerous for her tastes and there was no way she would be able to go along. She could handle herself, she was sure of it, but they would only distract each other, and that could result in bigger problems than worry.

“I know. Just-”

“I’m coming back whole. I swear to you.”

“You better.”

He pulled her to him and kissed her fiercely. “You know I love you too bloody much to stay away. I’ll be fine, and once Dru knows what’s what, we can live our lives. Everybody can, without worry about going out at night. It’s fucking ridiculous, watchin’ our backs like this. Makes me crazy.”

She smoothed the furrow from his brow with her hand and he leaned into it. “Just you focus on getting back. If things get too hectic, get out.”

He nodded and they kissed again before he started the engine and began the drive back home.

***

Spike’s lips were still tingling from the kiss Buffy gave him before he dropped her off when he reached the place he’d heard Dru was staying. He still had a few people loyal to him in that circle, and now he was glad he’d kept those contacts. Spending the night searching for her wasn’t something he wanted to do. The sooner he got back to Buffy, the sooner he’d be able to rest assured that he could keep his family safe.

He parked his car a few houses away from the one he’d be going into. The cops knew him well enough, he didn’t need to be picked up for being seen in the wrong place at the wrong time.

He could feel the dread begin to creep up on him the closer he got to her. He hadn’t seen her since he’d murdered Angel, and that memory still nearly brought him to his knees. It didn’t help that he’d never really had any closure with Dru. Sure, seeing her willingly fuck the man who’d been raping him for a year was a pretty good way to kill any mood, but it left him unsatisfied, he hated that.

He didn’t bother knocking before he entered. He could hear people in the basement and he walked in and saw her sitting with a few others he didn’t recognize. He didn’t account for the effect of seeing her again. The emotions that ran through him were volatile and hit him hard. He nearly staggered under the weight of it, but he managed to keep a cool facade.

“William. I knew you’d come.”

“Why are you here, Dru?”

“Come give me a proper hello and I’ll tell you all my secrets.”

“Can’t, luv.”

She studied him for a moment and then smiled. “Ahh yes, little girl surrounding you now. I can see her floating all around you. You’re covered in her.”

He shook his head and looked at her again. “I didn’t come to make small talk. Get out of here.”

“Now, William-”

“Get out, or I will make you get out.”

She stood and gestured vaguely to those around her and they seemed to understand. They gathered up a few bottles and some small packets and left the room closing the door behind them. She walked toward him and wrapped her arms around his neck. He stiffened but didn’t pull away. He couldn’t.

“I want you to say something for me, and then I’ll go.”

He looked at her warily. “What?”

“Tell me,” she whispered in his ear making him shudder, “that you don’t,” her tongue darted out to lick his earlobe, “love me anymore.”

He jerked back and she smiled. “Fuck you.”

“Maybe.”

He pushed her away and walked to the door with his back to her. “Don’t play these fucking head games with me. Just get out and I won’t do anything drastic.”

“Like murder?”

He closed his eyes and she moved behind him, molding herself to his body. “Dru, please...”

“Please what? This?” She reached in front of him and caressed his cock through his jeans. It jumped against her fingers and he hated himself.

“Stop it.”

“I don’t think that’s what you really want.” She didn’t move her hand and he didn’t stop her. Couldn’t. “The little girl doesn’t satisfy you like I do. She doesn’t know what makes you hard. What makes you beg and come until you can’t see straight. I do.”

She bit his neck hard and grabbed him more firmly. He couldn’t help his bodies reaction to her, she always had him in her thrall.

“Don’t. I’m not playing here.”

“Neither am I, sweet William. You’ve been so so naughty. Killing Daddy, fucking Daddy, trying to forget about us, but we’re always there. Always inside you. You still love us, still need us to fill you up and remind you how dirty you really are.” She pressed herself closer and he couldn’t help but moan. “Disgusting boy.”

He couldn’t help the tears that fell from his eyes and he couldn’t help the way his cock sprung to life at her words. He forced his hand to remove her from the front of his pants and pull himself away.

He leaned against the door panting and she watched him. “I can’t... you’ve trained me well, baby. And I may not be able to tell you no in so many words...”

“Tell me you don’t love-”

“Shut-up!” Love you, love you, always love you, you fucking heartless bitch!

“You’ve got one bloody hour. Get your shit and get the fuck out of my town or I’m going to make you regret it. I couldn’t hurt you myself, Dru, but there are other ways.”

He fought the instinct to turn around and bury himself in her and walked out to his car. He managed to drive to a parking lot close by before he pressed his head to steering wheel and wept. He hated her, hated her so much it made him want to vomit.

He hated her because he couldn’t stop loving her, because there was this little poncey shit inside him that needed her around to make him feel needed, even if he was just needed to make her feel superior. He slammed his hands against the dashboard as he raged until his voice was hoarse from screaming and his head ached and his eyes itched. He hated that not even Buffy could make the need for Dru go away.

“There is something so seriously fucking wrong with you, mate.”

He looked down at the clock and saw that her hour was up. He picked up his cell phone and dialed. “Hello, yes... I need to report some drug activity, maybe even more in my neighborhood.”

***

He made it back home after midnight. He’d gone by Dru’s on the way back and saw the cop cars. Stupid bitch couldn’t heed his advice, she could get carted away for all he cared. He fought back any guilt he felt and tried to seem presentable as he pulled into the drive. Buffy was halfway down the walk before he even fully got out of his car.

He stood up and she jumped into his arms. They held each other tightly without words for a while before he put her down and she checked him over for any injuries. He refused to meet her eyes and she figured he was still a little upset about the whole thing.

“Do you want to talk?”

“She’s in jail now I think. Didn’t really check, but she’s gone either way.”

He didn’t elaborate anymore on his meeting with her and Buffy didn’t ask sensing that he needed to leave it alone for a while. She pulled him inside and he went along willingly, hoping she didn’t make a big deal about his demeanor. She didn’t.

They were silent, and it wasn’t entirely uncomfortable. They stripped and got into bed without a word. Buffy was a little hesitant to touch Spike as he seemed a little distant, but after a few moments of them lying on their backs staring at the ceiling a foot away from each other, Spike turned and pulled her against him, burying his face in her neck and inhaling before he let out a choked sob.

Buffy pulled him closer and whispered whatever came to mind to help him. She kissed his temple when she felt him calm down a bit and start to fall asleep.

“I love you, Spike.”

He swallowed hard and held in the pain that statement caused him after what he’d done to her. “I love you too. I just want to be a good man for you.”

“You are, Spike.”

He didn’t argue, just held her closer and drifted off to sleep hoping that if he never saw Dru again, he’d never have to deal with her legacy.

A/N: More soon, please, please review. Chapters come sooner.

-Bob Dylan, Cold Irons Bound

The weeks passed quickly after the episode with Dru and after that night Spike tried to push her as far out of his mind as he could and focus on Buffy. Things on that front were going well, though getting increasingly frustrating. They'd come close to consummating things but something always stopped them. Either their own insecurities or knocks at the door. It was getting to the point where they were sure that their housemates were purposely interrupting.

They continued to sleep in the same bed every night, however much they were tempting fate by doing so. Spike really couldn't stand to be alone the week after Dru and Buffy didn't really want to leave and after that it just became an unspoken thing between them.

There was a constant barrage of questions from their friends. Neither of the blondes were giving any clues though. They were unaware of the betting going on behind their backs. Anya and Willow were sure they were having sex but Tara and Xander knew better. The stakes were getting pretty high, and if the couple in question weren't so caught up in each other they would have noticed the pointed stares and inquisitive eyes whenever they stepped out of the bedroom.

It was a week before Winter break and Buffy was getting more and more anxious about her plans. Spike hadn’t mentioned anything and she wondered if maybe they were just staying at the house. If he did want to go somewhere she wasn’t sure she could afford it. With so much school she’d had to cut back on her hours and she was scraping by with the rent and other necessities.

Spike on the other hand was just as nervous about the break but for a different reason. He wanted to ask Buffy to come with him to New York with Willow and Tara, and possibly Xander and Anya for Christmas but he wasn’t sure if she would agree to stay with him during the holidays instead of her family. He hadn’t gone a Christmas without his father and Willow, barring his time with Dru, since Willow had come to live with him and he didn’t ever want to miss one again. Especially with his improving, though tentatively, relationship with his father.

They were laying in bed four days before school ended and both were stiff as boards on their backs with their arms lightly brushing each other.

“Buffy?”

“Yeah?”

Spike propped himself up on his elbow so that he could see her face. “I was thinking...”

“Yes?”

“Maybe... if you don’t have other plans... My father owns this place in Woodstock, you know, New York... We usually go up there for Christmas...” He paused and tried to gauge her reaction but he couldn’t read her. “I want you to come with me... If you’ve got something else it’s ok, I get it, I mean-”

“Spike, yes of course.” She wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him down to kiss him passionately.

He pulled back and looked at her. “Yeah?”

“Of course, silly, what did you think I would say?”

“Well, I don’t know, family and stuff.”

Buffy stared at his chest trying not to let the tears that were forming fall. Finally she got herself under control and looked up at him. “This is my family, Spike. You and everybody here, and your father, he’s so sweet and welcoming. I’ve never felt so at home since...”

She trailed off and he pulled her to him gently knowing that her mother’s death still hit her hard sometimes. “I know, baby. Shh..”

She squeezed him and then leaned back. “I’m ok.” They remained on their sides tracing patterns on the other’s skin until they were both completely fine. “Wait, Spike. New York, I don’t think I can aff-”

“Shh. I’ve got it, luv.”

“Spike-”

“No, no arguments, it doesn’t hurt me to buy you a ticket. My dad pays for Xander and Anya every year, I can take care of you.”

“Yeah, but Xander’s like his other son, and Anya-”

“Is like that son’s girlfriend. What do you think you are, pet?”

She looked at him and smiled shyly. “Is that what you told him?”

Spike kissed her and rolled them until he was on top. “Bloody hell, Buffy, what did you think, I was just desperate to shag you so I poured my whole soul out to you? I love you.”

“I know, it’s just... We never really established anything.” She looked up at him and kissed the incredulous look off his face. “Nevermind, just kiss me.”

Spike obliged and before they really understood what was happening Buffy’s t-shirt was off and Spike’s face was between her legs. She gripped his hair in her hands and tried to keep her cries quiet knowing how thin the walls were. That or Anya had super-sensitive hearing.

“Spike... ohhh God, please...”

He looked up and grinned, two of his fingers still pumping inside her. “Please what, baby?”

Buffy thrashed her head from side to side as his thumb played with her clit, his mouth descending every few seconds to aid his hand. “You... I want... I want you inside me.. please, your....”

Spike gripped his cock and tried not to come at her words. “My what?” he managed to gasp out.

“Buffy looked him directly in the eyes and put her palm to his cheek. “Your cock... I want it inside me.”

Spike groaned and moved up her body kissing every part he could find on his way. “Buffy, fucking hell... what you do to me...”

He positioned his cock at her entrance and kissed her. She thrust her hips up and he nearly slipped inside, but something held him off. “Fuck...”

“Yes, fuck me..”

“No, wait, Buffy.”

She looked up at him and he reached over to rummage around in his bedside drawer. He started to look panicked and Buffy sat up to help him. “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.”

“It’s ok, just pull out.”

Spike shook his head and kissed her. “I want to be inside you... when...”

Buffy sighed and nodded. She didn’t exactly envision their first time together to be like this anyway, frenzied and spontaneous. Spike rolled off of her and stayed on his back panting and trying to calm himself. His cock was really going to kill him this time, he couldn’t remember being harder for her, or anyone.

Buffy straddled him suddenly and he looked up at her questioningly. She reached for his cock and propped herself above him. He thought she was going to impale herself on him and sod the consequences and he reached for her hips but she just began to stroke him while rubbing the head around her clit, stimulating them both.

“Oh, fuck...”

“There are... other.. things...” she said panting above him. Her hand that was on his shaft stopped stroking and moved down between his cheeks. He groaned loudly and thrust his hips up bumping her clit harder and causing her to cry out loudly.

“Do you have anything?”

He grinned and took her questing finger. He slid it from him and into her gathering as much of he essence as he could. She was barely holding on at this point and he was glad. As soon as her dainty little finger found its way up his ass he’d be lost. He moved her finger back between his legs and she smiled at him.

“I’m gonna cum very soon if you do that, sweet.”

Buffy just rubbed herself against him faster and began sliding her finger inside him.

“Ahhhhh, Buffy, fuck!” He pumped his hips against her hand and she began to quiver above him. The sight of her ecstasy blew him over the edge. “Buffy, I’m... fuckfuckfuck..I love you, Buffy!”

“Spike!” Her orgasm hit her as she angled his cock toward her stomach and rubbed against the shaft. He cried out her name as well and shot all over the both of them. Buffy collapsed against his chest panting.

“You’re fucking amazing... never seen anything so bloody beautiful...”

Buffy couldn’t speak just nodded against his neck and caught her breath.

“Spike?”

“Hmm?”

“Woodstock?”

He opened his eyes to look at her but she still had hers closed. “Yeah?”

“No interruptions, and I’m going on the damn pill.”

He chuckled and pulled her closer. The remained together like that until the sweat on their bodies began to cool them off too quickly. Spike moved to pull the sheets around them but Buffy sat up and looked between them. They stared at themselves for a moment before they both broke out in giggles.

“Made a bit of a mess, I guess.”

“A bit?!”

Spike tackled her onto her back and pulled the sheet over to clean her off. “Hey, you’re the one with the bright idea of pleasuring yourself with my cock. How could you expect me to hold off, especially when you do that wriggling with your finger?”

She giggled again and he leaned down to kiss her. “We should change the sheets.”

Spike finished cleaning himself and raised an eyebrow. “You think?”

She stared at him for a moment before he sighed. “You’ve got to be kidding.”

“Please... I’m so tired and I have to get up early, and you just wore me out.”

He sat up and pulled on his jeans before looking back at her. “This how it’s gonna be, me your willing slave?”

She got onto her knees on the bed and he came to her so she could wrap her arms around his neck. “Mmmm, I like the sound of that,” she said before she kissed him.

He snorted and walked to the door. “I just bet you do.”

***

“Xand?”

Xander looked up to see Spike at his door. He smiled and gestured for him to come in. Spike closed the door behind him and sat on the bed.

“What’s up, man?”

Spike fidgeted a bit with the bedspread and Xander realized that this was serious talk time. “You and Anya are comin’ to Woodstock, right?”

Xander sat down next to his friend and put a hand on his shoulder. “Yeah, of course. What’s wrong?”

Spike shrugged and Xander sighed. “Come on, tell the Xan-man all your problems.”

Spike snorted but remained otherwise silent and Xander put a hand on his cheek to force the blonde to face him. “What is it, something with Buffy?”

Spike kept his eyes down. “I think... She’s coming for Christmas, and I think we’re gonna...” Spike saw that Xander had no idea so he sighed and continued. “We haven’t had sex yet, I think we will on the trip.”

“Oh yeah, not so broke after all.”

“What?”

“Nothing, nevermind. Ok, so you two are gonna do the horizontal tango, so what? She’s not a virgin is she?”

Spike shook his head. “No, it’s not that... Xander...”

Xander saw the look in Spike’s eyes and understood. A flash of guilt stabbed through him. He and Tara were just as, if not more responsible for Spike’s insecurities as Dru, and it killed him.

“Spike...”

“I know, I know. It’s different now... I just... it’s like she’s really the one, y’know? Like, she’s more important to me than anything, and I’ve never felt this way about anyone. Not Tara, not Dru...” He looked at Xander and the brunette looked away, irrationally jealous and annoyed with himself.

“Spike, what are you worried about. She told you she loves you, long before, with not ulterior motives. She wants to wait, she wants it to work. Maybe you’ve never felt this way because no one’s ever really given you a chance to.” We fucked it all up and I’m so sorry, so fucking sorry, Will.

“I’m not doubting her. She’s wonderful, so understanding and I know she loves me, I believe her when she says it, really believe her and I always had a doubt when anyone else told me, even Tara. Guess instinct was helping me out, though I didn’t listen.”

“Well if it’s not her, then what is it?”

Spike leaned forward and buried his face in his hands. “Dru.”

That was the last thing Xander expected to hear. That bitch was long gone and good riddance last he heard. “What about her?”

Spike just shook his head and Xander noticed the rest of him was shaking as well. “Will?”

“She touched me and I let her... I wanted her to... I wanted.... Fuck I don’t even know!”

Xander rubbed a hand up and down Spike’s back and tried to understand. “When you say-”

“I didn’t do anything, I just... just let her get to me.” Spike’s voice cracked and he felt the tears he’d been holding in for weeks find their way out. “She has this power over me. I can’t walk away from her, I can’t tell her no. Fucking hell, she gets me hard with a few words and the feel of her against me. If she wasn’t gone... I don’t know where I’d be.”

Xander pulled his friend up and into his embrace as Spike sobbed out his secrets and fears. “I love Buffy, with everything I am, everything I have anyway... But Dru owns some part of me, she’s got me under her bloody thumb and I can’t get away.”

“Shh, it’s ok, she’s gone.”

“If she ever comes back... I let her do those things to you and Tara and Willow, I didn’t want to believe it was her. I didn’t want to have to hurt her, fuck I feel guilty every day that I think about where she is, what she must be going through.”

“Jesus Christ, Will, the woman fucked with your head and let you get the shit kicked out of you, not to mention fucked out of you for a year. She damn near killed you and now you’re saying you feel guilty for giving her over to the cops. She got off easy.”

Spike buried his face in Xander’s shirt and his sobs didn’t lessen. “I want her... I want her so badly... I’m not a man without her.”

“Xander pulled back and forced Spike to look at him. “William, you are a man, you are loved and you love and you are good. You get around her and she makes you like getting kicked around but it’s just a headfuck, it’s not real. You don’t like being used.”

Spike remembered the absolute bliss he felt in her cold embrace. He remembered her words [disgusting, wrong, dirty, filthy, stupid, beneath me] and they made him hard.

“Xander...”

“Will, stop it.” Spike looked at Xander for a moment before he collapsed again almost hysterical.

“I’m sorry, so so sorry... God I don’t deserve her, I’m so fucked, what can I offer her?”

“William, listen to me.” Spike looked up and Xander cupped his cheeks with his hands. “You love her, and when you love someone, they know that they’re the center of your universe and it feels so good, so safe there. You don’t let them down, you give them everything you have, even if it’s a little damaged now, it’s worth just as much. You’re hurt and in pain and you’ve got a lot of problems right now, but it’s only been a year, Will. You’ve only been away from Dru and all that stuff for a year, and you haven’t had a real relapse. You let Dru get to you for a moment, but you stopped it, you turned her in, and she can’t hurt us anymore. You deserve better, and Buffy’s gonna teach you that.”

Xander kissed his friend softly and tried to convey how sorry he was for starting Spike down this road in the first place.

“Don’t blame yourself, Xand. I make my own choices.”

“I know, but-”

“No buts. You’re a good friend, and I love you.”

“Love you too, Will.”

Spike stood up and looked in the mirror trying to make himself look more presentable so that Buffy wouldn’t ask what had happened. “I had to tell someone, Xand, just couldn’t hold it in anymore. You’re the only one who understands.”

“I’m always here, Will, always.”

Spike nodded and walked out to meet Buffy.

A/N: This chapter deals with recreational drug use portrayed in a pleasant light, so if that bothers you, sorry, skip it I guess. So so so so sorry about the wait. Moving and birthdays and stress make for no writing, but I’m all settled and aged now, so I should get back to normal. Thanks so much for all the reviews, please continue, I hope the wait didn’t cause everyone to abandon this.

-Bob Dylan, Rainy Day Women #12 & 35

It was the day before everyone was leaving for Woodstock, and the home they all shared could more accurately be described as an insane asylum. Buffy hadn't realized that the rest of her housemates were just as big into procrastination as she was until everyone woke up moaning and groaning that morning about having to pack in just and take care of all their affairs in one day.

It seemed the only person even remotely responsible was Willow who had cancelled their paper delivery and taken care of the mail. Spike ran about their room, well really his room, but Buffy had basically moved in over the past few weeks and only a few things and her furniture were left in her old room, he couldn't manage to sit still and plan out his packing. He could walk back and forth fifty times between the same place only moving one thing at a time because he couldn't seem to organize it in his head. After his tenth refusal to do things the easy way Buffy gave up and went to see Willow and Tara.

By six o'clock that evening, they were pretty much set and Buffy was glad of that. She had some important questions for the couple and with Spike preoccupied with his clothes, Buffy could get away without him really noticing.

She knocked on their door softly and they invited her in sitting her on the bed between them.

"So I guess you two know then?"

Willow barely restrained herself from bouncing on the bed. "Yep, I think Spike told Xander, and he can't keep a secret for the life of him, besides, we all had to know who owed who money."

"What?"

Tara shook her head as Willow glanced down at her lap sheepishly. "Please don't tell me everyone was betting on my sex life."

One look at them both and Buffy sighed. "This place is insane, is nothing sacred?"

Tara grinned and placed a hand on Buffy's arm. "No, not really, especially not when it comes to sex, you did happen to choose the person that everyone's most concerned about right now to be with as well, that kind of means something too."

Willow's vibrating reached its peak and finally she began fully bouncing. "But we know that's not what you're here to talk about, so spill, what are the plans, or is that what you need to ask?"

Buffy fidgeted with the comforter. "I'm just not exactly sure how to go about it."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, I mean, we both said that it would be on this trip, and let me tell you, we're more than ready.. It's just, we've waited this long, all because we wanted it to be perfect, and now I'm not sure what perfect is. Do I plan something? Is he planning something? Should it just be spontaneous? What if we're interrupted? What if it's not perfect? I mean he's probably-"

Tara put a firm hand on Buffy's shoulder and turned her to face her. "Buffy, calm down. You two have been trying so hard to make everything work, and you've succeeded. You've made Will happier than I've ever seen him. He practically shouted it from the rooftops the morning after you told him you loved him. You really can't go wrong, because when it happens between you two, I know it's going to be explosive. If the sounds coming from your guys' room all the time are any indication, that is."

Buffy took a deep breath and nodded.

"Besides," Willow added, "Spike loves you more because of you than because of anything else, including the sex. He's placing a lot of weight on this moment, you both are, that's because it's a huge step, but you guys seem to know your way around, and you love each other, you just need to decide what makes you the most comfortable."

"That's the problem, I just don't know. I want him to see that this time is different from any other."

She avoided Tara's gaze, but her friend continued to stroke her back softly. "Buffy, I know I'm part of the reason this is such a trial, so you don't have to pretend. I really want it to be different for him to, good for him."

"Well, do you think he likes the whole seduction approach?"

"Do you?"

Buffy shrugged. "I guess, I mean, yeah, I'd like to let him know that I went to some work to make it special, but I'm afraid we'll get there and I won't be able to keep my hands off of him. We just said Woodstock, we didn't specify a time."

Tara and Willow grinned at each other over Buffy's head. They remembered how hard it was to keep away from each other once the burden of perfect timing was gone. "I think you'll be ok. Just focus on getting there, helping Spike pack is always a chore, and we'll take care of the you not jumping him the second we're off the plane, ok?"

Buffy smiled at Willow and squeezed her hand. "Ok, self-control, here I come. I'm glad you guys are here to help."

"Any time... just please, keep it in the bedroom, I've seen Spike in ways no sister should have to see her brother one too many times. I have faith you have more tact than Anya."

Buffy stood. "Tact, check."

***

Buffy and Spike had no time to discuss much about the trip before falling into an exhausted heap at two in the morning. They shifted and flopped to get comfortable before Spike buried his face in Buffy's hair and started to snore. Buffy didn't have any time to be disappointed as she was out only seconds behind him.

The next morning was a haze of half-asleep loading into a cab, sleeping on the way, more zombie like loading at the airport and then collapsing again into their seats in the plane. Spike and Buffy fastened themselves in then snuggled under a blanket falling back to sleep in the middle of the safety lecture.

Buffy awoke around noon as the plane was getting ready to land. She wrapped her arms more firmly around Spike's body and was almost asleep when she shifted and felt his sleepy-time hard on poking into her arm. She grinned at the contented look on his face and glanced around the cabin. They were in the very back of the plane with Anya and Xander in the seats across the aisle and Tara and Willow in front of them, and lucky for Spike, all asleep.

Buffy moved her hand to cover the bulge in his jeans and with her other hand pulled the blanket so that it covered them completely. She made a little coughing noise as she unzipped him and he stirred but didn't wake. She could feel his cock getting harder under her ministrations as she stroked him from top to bottom sweeping her thumb over the head on the down stroke.

The arm Spike had around her tightened suddenly and she knew he was awake. He didn't open his eyes but let his head fall over to rest on her shoulder, his mouth next to her ear.

"Naughty, naughty," he whispered, causing a pool of moisture between her legs.

His hand moved to the seam of her jeans but she shook her head. "Not enough time, just let me take care of you." She could feel his pout against her cheek and she smiled. "Make it up to me later."

He nodded and his hand slid from between her legs to cover her smaller hand around his dick. He squeezed and gasped into her ear. "Fuck, Buffy..." They stroked him together hard but slow and he had trouble controlling his breathing. She loved having him at her mercy like this, but she knew he loved it more.

"Yes, baby, harder, fuck.... Gonna make you scream later, make love to you all night, never gonna let you outta bed." He bit her earlobe, more to keep from moaning than anything. He loved guiding her movements, their fingers entwined around his straining cock, and the thought of what he was going to do when they finally got to the house was making it harder for him not to thrust into their fists while pumping without abandon.

They moved their hands faster as the plane began to descend and the fasten seatbelt sign came on. "Please, baby, please..." Buffy pulled back and grinned before kissing him lightly. Her other hand reached under the blanket to gather some of his precum on her finger. She brought it to her lips and sucked it off in the sexiest way she knew how.

His eyes closed and he threw his head back. "Now, Buffy, oh fuck, now!" She grabbed some tissues from the pouch in the seat in front of her and pumped his cock twice more before he exploded.

He kissed her hard and left her gasping before he helped her to clean him off and tuck him back in. He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close kissing every inch of flesh he could fine. "You're bloody amazing love, just bloody perfect."

Buffy kissed him softly then settled her head against his shoulder. "Just wait til I get you in bed tonight."

He moved her hand to the newly hardening bulge in his pants. "More talk like that, sweets, and I won't be able to."

***

Giles was at the airport to pick everyone up with a rented van. Anya knew the second she woke up and saw Spike and Buffy with their, what she dubbed, "orgasm smiles" on, that something had gone down on the plane. Of course, neither would give her the satisfaction of an admission.

Spike let Buffy sit next to the window on the drive, pointing out some placed he and Willow would frequent whenever they came back. The scenery was breathtaking, especially for someone who had never been off the West coast and seen real snow in action in the trees and mountains. Buffy loved it, and she loved Spike’s commentary, she had a feeling this was going to be one hell of a trip.

***

The second everyone had been settled and Spike and Buffy had tentatively started into a little of the payback Spike had promised, Willow and Giles called everyone downstairs for dinner. Spike slumped against Buffy, his head on her bare stomach.

“I really think, pet, that we are doomed to never catch a bloody break.”

Buffy giggled and ran her fingers through his hair. “Soon enough, baby, I’m not letting anything get in the way when the time comes. They’ll have to break down the door and pry me off of you once we really get started.”

Spike grinned and began kissing his way up her body, paying much attention to her straining nipples. “Wanna see if they’ll actually do it?”

Buffy moaned but forced herself to pull his head up. “Not before dinner, your Dad and Willow made it special for the first night, I’ll feel bad.”

Spike pouted for a second but then kissed her quickly and rolled off to find his shirt while she buttoned up her own. He finally found it and pulled it on before hauling her off the bed.

“Eat fast.”

***

Spike didn’t seem so rushed once everyone began eating and Buffy was glad. She liked being here with everyone, it really felt like family and she missed that feeling more than she cared to admit. Spike and Willow bickered as only siblings can and Xander was continually embarrassed by Anya’s detailed descriptions of some of their more intimate moments, including some of the really amusing times when things didn’t go exactly as planned for them.

Anya didn’t mention any moments with Spike, and Buffy wasn’t sure if that was because Giles didn’t know about that particular arrangement, or that she had actually remembered to use some tact and didn’t want to hurt Buffy.

They finished dinner and Willow and Xander brought out some pie for dessert along with some tea and more wine. Spike kept his hand on Buffy’s leg under the table, tracing patterns on her inner thigh with his thumb in a way that kept her on a slow burn for him.

Occasionally he’d lean over to whisper something naughty or otherwise in her ear, but either way, his mouth that close and his warm breath on her neck were making it impossible to not crave him in a bad way. She was sure he knew it, and she was even surer that she didn’t need to retaliate in any way for him to be as tortured as she was.

The look in his eyes was enough to tell her everything.

After dessert everyone seemed to be under silent agreement to start putting on their coats and going outside to the backyard. Buffy pulled Spike aside and he grinned pinning her against the wall in the darkened hallway.

“Good dinner, pet?” he asked, ducking to begin licking and biting at her neck.

“Mmm...” Buffy was momentarily brain dead as his mouth turned her from slow, soft burn, to completely on fire. She managed to break through the lusty haze and push him back a bit. “Wait, I mean... What is everyone doing?”

Spike looked back and saw that everyone had already made their way outside. “Oh, got a surprise, luv. Kind of a tradition, you don’t have to participate if you don’t want.”

“What is it?”

He grinned and kissed her softly. “Wouldn’t be a surprise if I told you, would it?”

Buffy eyed him warily but allowed him to slip her coat on and wrap her scarf around her neck. He grabbed her hand and pulled her outside toward a small building. As she got closer she could see it was a greenhouse, now she was really confused.

Spike stopped her just outside and turned to face her. “If anything makes you uncomfortable, pet, we can leave, yeah? Just tell me, and no one’s gonna think less of you.”

“Now I’m really intrigued.”

He wrapped his arms around her from behind and pushed open the door. “Hope you’ll be really pleased.”

They stepped inside and the door shut behind them. Buffy saw the whole group gathered in a circle on the far side gesturing for them to join. She still didn’t understand until she looked around and noticed what kind of plants they were growing in this greenhouse.

“You grow weed here?”

Spike faced her, trying to gauge her reaction. “Yeah, kind of a nice after dinner thing, y’know?”

Buffy could tell he was really worried about her reaction and she eased his fears with a kiss. “I’m not mad or freaked or anything, just surprised.”

“You didn’t tell her what we were doing?” Anya yelled from the back.

Spike looked sheepish. “Thought it’d be an interesting surprise.”

“William, she could feel very pressured, son.”

Buffy realized then that Giles was there too, before she’d even had a toke her mind was blown.

Spike saw the surprise on her face and couldn’t help but laugh, he’d been pretty shocked too when his dad hadn’t reprimanded he and Willow for their cultivation and instead joined them.

“I don’t know if you’ve ever smoked, but you don’t-”

“I haven’t,” she said interrupting him. “But I think now’s as good a time as any to start.” She pulled him with her into the circle next to Giles and smiled at the faced around her. Spike pulled her close to him and kissed her neck before taking the pipe from Willow and handing it to Buffy.

“Greens for greens, sweet.”

“I dont’ know-”

Spike stood behind her and placed the mouth of the pipe at her lips. “Lemme show you. I’ll light it for you, just suck until you feel a little burning at the back of your throat, then take your finger off this hole here and suck it all in.”

“That’s all?”

“Well, hold your breath until you can’t and then exhale. And you might cough, but don’t worry, I’ve got you.”

Anya rolled her eyes at him. “Stop trying to be romantic and just light it already.”

Spike glared at her and looked at Buffy who nodded and placed her lips on the pipe. As she had no experience with any kind of smoking she sucked in a bit much and did cough a little, but Spike patted her back and they all cheered as she let out a huge cloud of smoke.

She smiled back with watery eyes and handed the pipe to Spike. He took a long hit and exhaled the biggest cloud of smoke Buffy had ever seen come out a person. He smiled at the look on her face and shrugged. “Lots of practice, baby.”

He handed it Giles and Buffy would have been watching in fascination as the older man took a very British hit if Spike hadn’t been doing something amazing involving his tongue and her ear. When the pipe made its way back to them, Buffy was little more than a quivering pile of lust in Spike’s arms, and not a little giggly.

The entire top few feet of the greenhouse were full of smoke and everyone was feeling the effects to a certain extent. Buffy as a newbie was a little higher than everyone else, but no one was really paying attention. All the couples were a little more affectionate, and Giles was more than amusing Buffy with his attempts at cleaning his glasses with Willows shirt sleeve.

“C’mere, luv,” Spike whispered as he turned her in his arms so that she was facing him. “Wanna try something new?”

“I think this is the night for that, don’t you?” She rubbed her hips against him to let him know she wasn’t just talking about the little greenhouse expedition.

“Again with the romancing the girl thing, either take a hit or pass it on.”

Xander smiled dreamily at Anya and pulled her closer to him. “Nice to see some things never change, Ahn.” She turned and grinned back at him before kissing him soundly.

Spike rolled his eyes and then looked back down at Buffy. “I’m gonna take a hit, then I’m gonna kiss you and you’re gonna take a hit from me, get it?”

Buffy nodded and smiled. Spike lit up and then bent to capture Buffy’s lips in a deep kiss. Some smoke escaped the out the sides but Buffy caught on quick and managed to get most of it. They broke the kiss when Buffy needed to exhale and she giggled.

“Like that, pet?”

She nodded. “It’s like those commercials where the people kiss with the icy stuff and then they blow out to cold air, you know what I mean?”

Spike smiled. “Yeah, baby, just like those.”

They kissed again and Buffy could feel just how excited everything had gotten Spike. She didn’t think he knew how hard he was pressing himself into her. She broke the kiss and turned around in his arms to face the others.

“Umm, Spike and I, we have to, uhh.... Well I was saying how I wanted to get up early and go look around, so we should probably get some sleep.”

Anya didn’t look impressed, Xander looked a little clueless, Tara and Willow were trying not to jump for joy, and Giles was trying not to look at them at all.

“Uhh, yeah, bye all.” Spike hauled Buffy out of the greenhouse and attacked her neck with kisses once they were outside.

“Could you tell, baby, just how hot you get me. Your little mouth, little hands, little body pressed up against mine. So fucking adorable with that pipe and your little coughs.”

Buffy couldn’t help but giggle at his rambling. “Let’s get upstairs, Romeo, before my little coughs tempt you to take me up against the greenhouse.”

“Yes, house good, bedroom better, bed, best... Buffy?”

“Yeah?”

“I love you.”

She stopped and kissed him. “Come and show me how much.”

***

A/N: So here it is, they finally make it to the bedroom without interruptions. I figure I need to have a few good fun and smutty chapters before the angst returns, so I hope you all enjoy it for now. Thanks so much for all the reviews, and I'm glad people responded positively to the last chapter, I was a bit worried, but now the next few won't be so terrifying to write. Enjoy and review!

To be alone with you
Just you and me
Now won't you tell me true
Ain't that the way it oughta be?
To hold each other tight
The whole night through
Ev'rything is always right
When I'm alone with you.
-Bob Dylan, To Be Alone With You

The way to their bedroom was made with playful kisses touches, and much giggling. Once inside however, the mood changed abruptly. Gone was the excitement and lightheartedness replaced with something they felt much deeper. It was finality and a deep burn inside them that only one thing would satisfy.

Whatever the effect of the pot on Spike, he did not lose any of his coordination as far as Buffy was concerned. His hands were elegant as he began a slow outline of her body through her clothes. She noticed a slight tremor in them once or twice and it made her glad to know that he was as nervous and full of feeling as she was.

Spike was concentrating harder now than he could ever remember doing so. He was terrified, but in a good way. He'd never been sure of anything as he was of Buffy and the rightness of what they were about to consummate. He could have waited forever for her, but right now, with the look in her eyes full of need and wonder, he couldn't hold back.

His hands finally stilled on her waist and he pulled her to him slowly, letting her see how much this all meant to him. She could feel his hardness against her stomach and it excited her, but most of all it made her feel complete. Every move they made was slow and deliberate and Buffy knew now that Willow and Tara were right about perfection, it was just going to happen, just because it was them and it was right.

They paused before they kissed, their lips only millimeters apart, looking into each other's eyes.

"Buffy..."

His whisper was so full of the sweet agony of being apart that Buffy felt keenly in her gut made it impossible for her to wait any longer. The kiss was slow and languorous, just like everything else about this moment. She could taste smoke on him but it was different from his usual taste. This was earthy and clean, like evergreens, made even more intense by the fact that her mouth tasted the same on the surface.

They remained kissing while shirts were unbuttoned and slipped off. She caressed his chest, pausing to rub his nipples into stiff peaks, causing him to gasp, as he removed her bra. As soon as it was off he pulled her close to his chest wanting to feel her bare flesh against his. Their nipples brushing against each other was definitely getting to him if the way his cock jumped at each moment of contact was any indication.

Her hands slid down his back to cup his ass and push him more firmly against her. He groaned again and pulled back searching her face, for what she wasn't sure.

His hand came up to cup the side of her face and she nuzzled his palm. "Do you have any idea how beautiful you are... Your perfect hands, perfect lips," he dipped his head to lick and suck at her breasts, "perfect rosy nipples... And God, everywhere you taste so good..."

He dropped to his knees and unbuttoned her pants, pulling them along with her panties down and allowing her to step out of them with her shoes and socks.

"Gonna worship every bloody inch of you, show you just what a goddess you are." She ran her fingers through his hair as he began at her feet, kissing and licking his way up. By the time he'd reached her knees she wasn't sure she'd be able to stand for much longer. He seemed to understand and stood moving her to the bed and sitting her on the edge so that he could resume his task of tasting every inch of her.

His mouth was open, trailing along her inner thighs and ignoring her throbbing sex as it moved up her hips and to her stomach. She knew he couldn't resist tasting her where she was most potent for long so she allowed him to tease her a bit longer. He kissed up and around her breasts, biting and sucking at her neck and then finally dropping to his knees once more to spread her wide before his hungry gaze.

He stared at her long and hard and she moved to close her legs but he held them. "Fucking gorgeous, luv, nothing like."

Before she could respond he dove in and licked her from top to bottom stopping at her clit and sucking hard, forcing her to fall back on the bed writhing and moaning above him. The longer he worked on her pussy the higher the fire inside her grew until she felt her orgasm barreling in like a freight train and she had to stop him.

"Please, Spike... wait!" She tugged at his hair and he looked up at her questioningly. "I want the first... I want it to be because you're inside me."

She felt him shudder as he tried to control himself, and he kissed her thighs reverently before standing before her. His cock jutted out from his body, curving slightly and weeping at the slit. She moved back to the head of the bed and he crawled up her body, taking his time to stop and kiss or bite in the places he knew drove her wild.

She ran a hand down his body until she reached his cock and stroked him slowly. He braced himself on his forearms and leaned down to kiss her long and deep. The kiss ended and he forced her to look in his eyes and he covered her hand with his own and brought himself to her entrance.

"Love you, Buffy, so much. Tell me you want this."

"Yes, Spike, please, I need it, need you inside me, a part of me." He pushed slowly inside her and she clenched her eyes shut at the mixture of pleasure and pain. It had been a long time since she'd last done this with anyone, and her body had never encountered something as big as he was.

Spike was praying to anyone who would listen for restraint. The second her heat began to envelop him he wanted to shoot off like a rocket. But when he looked down and saw that it wasn't all pleasure on her face he froze.

"Too much, luv? Am I hurting you?"

She could see he was ready to panic and she shook her head, smiling to reassure him. "Just give me a sec and I'll be ready. Go easy."

He nodded and waited for her to thrust her hips up a bit before sliding in further. Eventually he was completely inside her and his eyes crossed with the effort of not cumming then.

Buffy's hands roamed his back and squeezed his ass. "Now I need a second, pet."

She smiled and brought her hands to his face, pulling him down for another kiss. The pain was gone and all she felt now was a slowly coiling ball of pleasure down deep inside her. They began moving together slowly, sweat slicking their movements, groans and gasps filling the air.

Spike rested his forehead against hers as he had many times before and she remembered how safe and intimate that gesture was whenever he was the one doing it.

"Oh, God, Spike! Love you..."

"Yes Buffy, fuck... never stop... love me.. fucking love me..."

His movements sped up and Buffy felt the tightness in her belly reach an unbearable intensity. "Spike, Spike... William!"

She exploded into a million pieces and vaguely heard him follow with a loud moan of her name and warmth drenching her from the inside out. He collapsed on top of her, unable to hold himself up after the intensity of his orgasm. They tried to catch their breath while at the same time caressing and kissing any part of the other they could reach.

Spike came to his senses first and tried to roll off of her but she held him in place. "Don't leave, not yet."

"Pet, I'm crushing you."

"No, I like it, you feel good, just where you are. Safe."

He braced himself on his legs a bit more to reassure himself he wouldn't do her any damage and rested his head on her breasts kissing them sleepily.

"You're the best bloody thing ever happened to me, Buffy. I wish I could tell you, show you just how much... Worth so much more than anything I could give you."

"Shh, you're amazing, and you loving me, that's enough, all I want."

He didn't have any way to tell her what he was feeling, something he'd never felt before. He thought he'd loved her before, but now he couldn't believe he'd ever thought he'd even come close to peaking in his affection for her. He just kissed the space between her breasts lovingly before settling his head down once more and listening to her breathing become steady as she fell asleep. Assured that she was happy, he followed her.

***

Buffy awoke later that night with Spike lapping at her now dripping pussy leisurely. She moaned softly and he looked up with a sleepy grin, made even more adorable and hot by his sex-tousled hair. She reached down and tugged on his locks, urging him to come up to her. His lips were slick with the remnants of her desire and she licked him clean, loving to taste herself on him.

They kissed hungrily until she rolled him onto his back and straddled his chest. She slid her body down, letting her slit slide against his throbbing cock before settling between his legs and spreading them further.

She could hear him panting heavily now, those the only sounds in the room. She ran her hands up and down his thighs slowly, avoiding the area most in need of her touch until he let go a piteous moan. She looked up and smiled slowly.

"What do you want, Spike?"

"God, Buffy, you!"

She shook her head and bent until her breasts could brush against his erection, he thrust up hard and she pulled back.

"What do you want, Spike? What exactly do you want?"

"Just touch me, I don't care with what."

His cock was dripping pearly fluid from the head, she could see every vein outlined along his shaft. "I bet you do, now's your chance baby, I'll give you whatever you want."

Spike's breath hitched in his chest and his cock twitched against his stomach. "Oh, fucking hell, Buffy... I want... I don't know, can't put a man on the spot like this, luv."

The look on his face was priceless, so needy and conflicted, she had to take pity. "Why don't I give you some ideas." He nodded vigorously and she raised his hands up so that they were crossed above his head. "Don't move them. Promise?"

"Y- yes."

"Hmm, where should we start? Bottom or top?"

Spike closed his eyes and groaned. "Oh, luv, that sweet bottom, yes..."

She grinned devilishly and he was tempted to move his hands when she scooted all the way to the bottom of the bed. She moved her feet slowly up his legs until her toes wrapped around his erection and stroked slowly from top to bottom. He groaned and strained against his instinct to thrust into her delightful feet but when she asked him if that was it he shook his head.

"Top then?"

Before he could answer she dove down and took him into her mouth as far as she could.

"Gaah!! Buffy, luv, yes!" She bobbed on his cock a few more times before freeing him and kissing her way up his body.

"Not very original, baby."

"No," he agreed. "More options?"

She kissed him again then straddled him. She positioned his cock at her pussy and sank down slowly. "This," she said, now panting slightly with him, "you get all the time now, I'm not even offering it." She rose off of him, ripping a groan from both of them, but Buffy held strong.

"Hmm? Back up now, yes?" He shook his head but she moved anyhow. She rubbed her breasts against his cock slowly, wrenching a gasp from both of them when her hardened nipples brushed against him. "Would you like to fuck these, Spike? See your cock slide between them, let me lick and suck on you when you pop out for a visit?"

Spike's head was tossing from side to side as he tried to keep from cumming all over her beautiful breasts. "Please... please, let me touch you.."

"Is this what you want?" she asked using the lubricant of her own cum to slick her way.

"Yes, oh fuck yes, just let me touch you."

She laid on her back and pulled him on top of her, bringing his hands to her breasts and clutching his ass. He knelt above her pushing her mounds together around his straining cock and beginning to pump slowly murmuring nonsense hotly above her.

Buffy loved to get Spike worked up to the point where he couldn't even talk dirty in a way that remotely made sense. She rarely saw him lose control but when it happened she reveled in it. Watching him pump slowly at first and now more and more frantically was shooting bolts of pleasure to her pussy without it even being touched.

She began kneading his ass, working her fingers closer and closer to the place she knew would make him shoot off without another thought. He must have realized what she was doing because his ass clenched then relaxed and he slowed his movements to make it easier for her.

Before she could reach her destination he stopped completely and she wondered if she had done something wrong.

"Wait, I want.." He took a deep breath to steady himself and grasped one of her hands, bringing it under one of his legs and placing it behind him on her aching sex. "I want you to bring yourself off with me." He felt her fingers start to move on herself and he sighed. "Yes, luv, ooohh bloody hell, yes..."

He began pumping again, his fingers teasing her nipples in time with his strokes. She angled her head so that she could lick the precum from his cock on each thrust. They moaned and gasped together and both sped up again coming closer and closer to climax. Buffy began stroking his balls and anus making him groan louder and pump harder.

"I want to know, Buffy, want to know when you're ready."

"Spike, ohh God, yes, I'm... do it with me!"

"Tell me, Buffy!"

"Oh, Spike! I love you!"

Spike pulled up abruptly and stroked himself quickly to completion just as Buffy began to shudder beneath him. His cum shot onto her breasts in thick spurts and the sight was enough to keep him cumming longer than he had in a while.

When they were both sated Spike caught himself on the headboard and slid down until he was hovering over her, kissing her deeply, making them both lightheaded with lack of oxygen. Finally, neither could take it any longer and he collapsed next to her, panting hard.

"Fuck."

"Mm-hmm."

Spike smiled and propped himself up on his elbow leaning down to place soft kisses on her sweaty face. "Love you, Buffy," he whispered against her cheek. Their hands moved together to her chest, rubbing his spendings into her skin. "You're so gorgeous like this, all flushed and sticky."

"Sticky?"

"Yeah, with me, all over you. Want to cover you in me."

"Weirdo."

"What, you don't want to claim me for your own?"

"Is that what you're doing?"

He looked down at her trying to figure out if they were headed for an argument or just bantering. "In a non-patriarchal, non-chauvinist kind of way. Want you to cover me too. Starting with this," he whispered, sliding a finger inside her.

She sighed at his touch and nuzzled his shoulder. "Covering good."

He smiled, then he remembered something that had him confused from earlier. "Buffy?"

"Hmm?"

"Earlier.. Why did you... What made you call out for William?"

She stopped her movements against his hand and looked up at him. "Did it bother you?"

His brow furrowed and he shook his head. "Not.. really... I guess, I don't know. Just didn't make much sense to me, you've never done that before."

He rolled onto his back and removed his hand from her but he pulled her hand to his chest, twining their fingers together. It was Buffy's turn to prop herself up and look down into his slightly troubled face.

"Spike?"

"I mean, it's just... Is that, is he who you want?"

"You do realize that you're talking about yourself as if you're two people, right?"

Spike couldn't manage the smile that she was going for and Buffy cupped his cheek with his free hand. "I love you, Spike, William, whoever you are."

"Buffy, he doesn't exist anymore. Little lovesick William said goodbye the second I met Dru."

"You want that back?"

He shrugged. "Sometimes, I feel like maybe he'd be more to your liking. Romantic and sweet but he was weak, always making a right ponce of himself."

"Just because people took advantage of your kindness and love doesn't mean you were wrong to give it."

He was silent and she rested her cheek on his shoulder, turning to kiss his chest and tried to give him as much comfort as she could. "I wish I could make it right."

"I wish I could have been right, for you more than anything."

"Spike.."

"No, Buffy, you know I'm not-"

"Do you think so little of me that I would give so much to someone who didn't deserve it, that I would just throw around something like this with anyone? Have a little confidence in me, Spike. Believe me when I say I love you, and believe that I understand who I'm saying that to. You are Spike, you're William too, you're everything that's made you so far and I love all of it. The little romantic who had his heart broken a thousand times but always came back, the guy who made mistakes and loved someone so much that he was blind to how much she was really hurting him, the man who cares so much for his friends and family that he confronts his past to keep them safe, the man I love, who loves me. Have a little faith."

She looked him in the eyes for a moment, searching for some comprehension and acceptance of what she was saying. Tears were forming in his deep blue eyes and she leaned down to kiss him sweetly, trying to convey everything she had said physically as well.

The kiss deepened but remained measured and deliberate in pace and they rolled together until Spike was lying between her legs, pushing inside her slowly. With each thrust he whispered of his love and his gratitude, things he couldn't say purely with words or purely with sex, but when he was making love to her, he could whisper in her ear and feel the effects and he imagined that she must have felt it more then than ever.

They came with a shared low groan and Spike rolled them so that Buffy was on top resting on his chest with him still pulsing deep inside her.

"You are amazing, Buffy, and I believe you."

"I know," she whispered placing a soft kiss on his chest. "And," she rose looking him in the eyes and pointing harshly at his chest, "it's about damn time!"

A/N: Sorry about the long wait, school and work are kicking my ass. I'm trying a new scheduling system, I need time to write, for some strange reason it keeps me focused. Anyhow, thanks so much for the reviews, you guys are great, keep 'em coming, and I really hope everyone likes this. The angst is fast approaching, I'm excited about it, but I feel compelled to give some good happy Spuffy moments before all the shit hits the fan.

Lay, lady, lay, lay across my big brass bed
Stay, lady, stay, stay with your man awhile
Until the break of day, let me see you make him smile
His clothes are dirty but his hands are clean
And you're the best thing that he's ever seen
-Bob Dylan, "Lay Lady Lay"

Christmas Eve came a lot quicker than any of the group at Woodstock had anticipated. Willow and Tara, as usual, seemed to be the only ones even approaching calm. They had bought all their gifts back in California and the only thing they had to worry about was getting all the food for the Christmas dinner together as they had volunteered to take care of the whole thing. Giles suspected his daughter and her girlfriend's real motivation for taking on that responsibility was more to do with his and William's cooking skills than Christmas spirit.

Anya and Xander were rarely seen as they had the entirety of their shopping to do in the few days before Christmas and Giles was busy making sure all of his carefully planned out decorations were placed with the utmost care. It left Spike and Buffy somewhere in the middle of it all. The only gifts they still had left to buy were for each other. Objectively it seemed like they had the least to worry about.

Both of them were terrified.

Spike had made frequent visits with his father and Tara to decide on the perfect gift for Buffy and he was still at a total loss. Buffy wasn't having any more luck, her pleas to Tara and Willow, and even Xander were met with shrugs. Anya was firm in her declaration that Buffy shouldn't have given it up until Christmas, that way she could have at least saved some money.

It was the night before Christmas, and not a bloody thing was settled for the pair.

***

Buffy sat that night waiting for Spike in their bedroom, he'd been off making some mysterious phone calls which he absolutely did not want her hearing. She sighed and got out of bed, unable to relax without him, especially as she was worried as hell about his gifts. She'd found what at first seemed perfect but now she wasn't so sure. It was good, and he'd like it, but she wasn't sure it conveyed much of how she truly felt for him. It was something his father could have given him, and it frustrated her that it was best she could come up with. Well that was the official gift anyway. She did have something special that under no circumstances would anyone else even know existed.

Thinking about that particular gift made Buffy even more anxious for Spike's return.

Luckily, Spike finally entered the room with a wide smile and swept Buffy into his arms before causing them both to collapse onto their bed.

"Everything going according to plan I guess."

"Oh yes, just one more thing to make everything perfect."

"What's that?"

Spike propped himself up on his forearms and looked down at her. His smile faded as the mood shifted into slightly more serious territory. "I hope you like it, luv... No, I hope you love it."

She smiled and touched his cheek. "You've spent so much time on it, I can't see a reason why I wouldn't. Besides, being here with you, that's enough. You've done so much for me this week."

"I want this Christmas to be good for you, only good memories. I want you to feel like this is your home too, like family with us."

"I do."

He bent his head and kissed her tenderly but with enough passion to make her moan. His tongue slipped in at that to tangle with hers and she felt him press his rapidly hardening length against her. That merited another moan and he grinned into the kiss.

"Yes, baby, feel that?"

She thrust up against him and he buried his face in her hair, his breath coming in quick pants. Before they'd consummated the relationship, they'd spent long nights together like this, rubbing against each other until they collapsed together in a sticky heap.

Buffy reached for the button on his pants and smiled. They never had to do that again. His stomach muscles twitched as she ran her hands lightly up and down his abs. She moved lower and ghosted her hand over his covered erection.

He shuddered above her and moved a hand to cup her aching breast, rubbing her sensitive nipple until she was whimpering with need.

"Tell me, Buffy."

"I love you, Spike. I love you and I want you so much."

He groaned and pulled her shirt over her head, diving down to lick and nip at her breasts. His hands tugged at her pajama pants and eased them down her legs along with her panties. "Fuck, luv, you're a goddess. My goddess." He knelt above her drinking in the gorgeous sight of her. "Gonna worship you all night, everything I've got, it's yours, baby."

She grasped his shirt and pulled it over his head. He pulled her back into his arms and they both gasped when they felt their skin sliding together. She reached down and freed his erection, pushing his jeans down to his knees. He took over and kicked them off before settling back between her legs and poising himself at her entrance.

"You want this Buffy?"

"God yes!"

"Tell me."

She reached out and covered the hand on his cock with hers. "Put it in me, Spike, I want you inside now."

His eyes rolled back as he plunged inside of her with one deep and powerful thrust. They both let out a strangled cry when he started to move inside her.

"Love you, Buffy, never want to leave this place."

"You never have to."

***

Spike woke first Christmas morning. He reached down beside the bed to grab his phone and punched in a now memorized number. "Everything working out then? Beautiful, pet, can't wait."

He dropped the phone back onto his jeans and rolled over to pull Buffy to him. She stirred when he placed a soft kiss on the back of her neck and moments later she was coming fully awake.

"Merry Christmas, luv," he whispered into her hair.

She smiled and pulled his arms more tightly around her. "Merry Christmas, stud. God, I can't believe we're able to be up this early after last night."

He chuckled against her and felt his cock stirring at the memories of the previous night's activities. "Guess we were up a bit longer than I anticipated."

"I wouldn't call five hours straight "a little" longer."

"You told me I never had to leave."

"Didn't think you'd take it literally."

He pressed his now fully erect member between her cheeks and she gasped. "Were you always this horny?"

"You bring out the best in me."

"Definitely the best." She wriggled her ass harder against him and they began to move together. His hand slid down between her legs and he sighed shakily when his fingers slid inside her.

"God, you're so wet for me, so fucking responsive and beautiful."

"Always wet for you," she whispered, as she brought his from her sex to her breast. She moved her thigh over his and she could feel the head of his cock against her. "Make love to me."

"Don't need to ask." He pushed inside her and they rocked together slowly, his hand on her breast keeping the rhythm of their thrusts.

He coaxed an orgasm out of her first and followed right after, unable to feel her constricting around him without letting go himself.

They stayed spooned together for a while afterward, swapping random endearments and praise along with soft kisses until Anya began pounding on their door.

"If after last night you guys are still going at it, you'll never be satisfied. Take a damn break, I want presents."

After a moment of silence Buffy began to giggle uncontrollably.

"Guess we better get downstairs."

Buffy just nodded and tried with shaking hands to pull on a shirt.

***

Everyone congregated in the living room with mugs of coffee and tea. All the couples perched together on couched and overstuffed chairs while Giles, with a santa hat Willow had insisted on buying for him, sat next to the tree and handed out the presents.

Willow and Tara's gifts were thoughtful and appropriate, Xander and Anya's less appropriate, but Anya's "Hey, I know you all were thinking it!" approach wasn't unappreciated. The most amusing was the enormous and elaborate glass bong she and Xander gave to Giles.

Spike left Buffy for a moment and returned with a few buds from the greenhouse so that everyone could share in Giles' gain. After a few hits all around Buffy didn't feel quite as nervous about her gift for Spike, but she was still a little shy about giving it to him.

He kissed her softly on the cheek and smile as he began to unwrap the paper. He stopped suddenly when he saw what it was. Buffy's heart began pounding harder, she couldn't read the expression on his face.

"Umm, I know that you really liked him, I saw this, and I thought of you. You told me about how you used to read them with.. with Jenny and I thought..." When he still hadn't reacted at all her heart fell. "If you don't like it, it's ok, I mean, not a big deal. We can go out and get you something that you'll really like, I'm crap at picking out-"

"Buffy..." She stopped when she saw the unshed tears in his eyes.

"Spike, I'm-"

He pulled her to him before she could finish and was covering her face in kisses. "It's bloody perfect, luv, where did you find it?"

"Willow and I, we went to this rare and used bookstore, they had this in the back, I knew that you really liked Donne's stuff."

"Love it, Buffy, I love it. I can't believe you remembered."

He hugged her close and she moved her mouth closer to his ear. "If it's important to you, I remember."

They separated moments later and looked around sheepishly. Willow and Tara were trying not to squeal like the schoolgirls they'd been reduced to, Giles was trying not to cry himself, Xander was holding Anya tighter to him, and even Anya was smiling sweetly at the couple.

"And you were so worried, Buffy. I told her, Spike, she's already slept with you, the only other thing I could think of was for her to let you tie her up, or maybe tie you up, I can't remember what you like best."

Giles cleared his throat after a short silence and smiled handing Buffy his gift to her. "Yes, well, let's just finish with the presents and continue to pretend we heard nothing of the disturbing sex talk."

***

Spike's present to Buffy was last. He kept glancing at the door, then at the clock and she wondered what it was exactly that he had planned. Finally, Giles handed her a small package and she opened it quickly. Inside the box was a small slip of paper.

She looked at Spike in confusion until someone knocked. She stood slowly, her eyes on him until she reached the front door and opened it cautiously.

Spike moved to stand behind her, unwilling to miss her reaction.

When Buffy saw who was standing on the doorstep she thought she must be dreaming, then suddenly she and Dawn were in each others' arms squealing at a pitch that should have been outlawed.

"How did you get here?!"

"Your thoughtful boyfriend called me, sent me a ticket, and basically wouldn't take no for an answer from anyone. Dad's a little pissed but he'll get over it, I'm eighteen now."

Buffy kept one arm around her sister and turned to Spike. "You did this?"

He nodded a little shyly and she leapt into his arms, peppering his face with kisses until they finally locked lips.

"Hey, I thought you promised me no disgusting PDA?"

Spike pulled back from Buffy and settled her on the floor before casting a sheepish look at Dawn. "Sorry, Bit, just can't resist sometimes."

Buffy hadn't moved her eyes from Spike. "How did you know?"

He looked back down at her and smiled. "You wanted family, luv, and now every bit of your family is here."

She pulled him down for a quick kiss and then wrapped her arms tightly around him. "Thank you, I love you."

"I'm glad your happy, and I love you too, Buffy."

"Wow, sap much? So where's the rest of this wild and crazy gang of fun Buffy tells me about?"

Buffy looked back at her sister and sighed. Happily. Dawn's obnoxious teasing, funny how something that used to drive her insane now made her feel so warm and homey inside.

***

"That was the most wonderful, exciting, happy, beautiful, terrific Christmas ever!" Buffy exclaimed to Spike as they entered their room that night, exhausted but happier than they could remember being in a long time.

"Think maybe you could fit a few more adjectives in there, luv?"

"Smartass, be nice or you won't get your naughty prezzie."

Spike pulled Buffy against his chest and ground his arousal into her ass. "I've got your naughty prezzie right here, baby," he growled into her ear before biting gently on her shoulder.

Buffy allowed him a few more moments of thrusty goodness before she pulled away. "No, I mean, I have a real present for you, one I didn't want Giles to see, well, really not anyone but us to see."

Spike was more than intrigued, he was enthralled. Buffy had left him hard as nails all day, teasing him and then leaving him to adjust himself and continue conversing with his friends and family. The idea of her having something that could get him even more excited was a terrifyingly delicious prospect.

"Now you get on that bed, and I want to see your shirt gone when I get back."

Spike did her one better and stripped entirely, sliding into the cool sheets that made his cock ache even more once the smell of them reached him. She sauntered back in the room in a black lace bra, tiny panties and a garter belt with stocking that made Spike wonder if someone could come just from the sight of something that gorgeous.

"That my present, pet?" he managed to croak out.

She shook her head and pulled a wrapped box out from behind her. She moved to the side of the bed and he reached for her but she evaded his grasp.

"I have rules for the unwrapping period that you must follow to get the present. Ready?"

He nodded vigorously and she grinned. "I'm going to sit with you on the bed, but no hanky panky until we're all done with the presents and the explanation, got it?"

He nodded again and she removed the sheet, casting an appreciative eye to his straining cock before settling in between his legs and leaning against his chest. He leaned back against the headboard and tried to control his breathing as her ass kept rubbing up against his highly sensitized flesh.

She brought his arms around her and set his hands on the box. "You know how you have to go on that trip this summer to England, and how you may have to go on a few between now and then?"

He nodded slowly, a little distracted, but trying desperately to pay attention.

"This is for those times, and probably for others, but being away from you is what made me decide on this. I hope you like it, now go ahead and rip it open."

His shaking hands tore into the paper and he opened the box to reveal two small objects. His mouth went dry and any blood that had been left in any part of his body but his cock was now on its way south.

At Spike's whimpered moan Buffy finally took pity and decided she needed to take care of him before they could discuss the gift thoroughly.

"Spike?"

"Mhhmmhuh?"

"These panties are crotchless." With that she raised herself up and then sank down on his rigid flesh. He cried out loudly and she rode him hard for only a few moments before her thrust up into her and held her down on his cock as he released load after load of cum into her hot snatch screaming out her name.

He fell back against the headboard panting hard and squeezing and releasing her hips as he began to come down.

"Fuck, Buffy."

"You'll get to again, don't worry."

He chuckled softly, still a little out of breath. "I'm sorry, luv."

"Don't be, I know that you'll make it up to me, it was getting to be cruel leaving you like that."

"That it was." They sat for a few moments longer softly caressing the other's bodies until Spike sat them both up and reached into the box. "You serious about this?"

"Of course I am, when you're away, phone sex just won't cut it. Actually nothing will cut it, but at least this way I'll get a visual."

"But a camera-"

"A digital camera, that way we can send it and only the truly tenacious will be able to find it, if they want to look at us that badly, let 'em."

Spike growled into her ear and she could feel him hardening inside her once again. "No one gets to look at you but me."

Buffy grinned and leaned forward until she was on her hands and knees. His cock had slipped out of her and she could tell he wasn't pleased about that, but the view he got in exchange was undeniably sweet.

"Spike?"

"Yeah, baby?" he replied as his hands began to caress her perfectly round globes.

"Want to try something new?"

He grinned and rose up on his knees behind her. "You got something in mind, pet?"

"Reach under my pillow."

He turned and pulled out what felt like two tubes. She was just full of surprises tonight. "You sure, Buffy?"

"I was thinking, before we came here, about that morning, one of the first mornings we woke up together. You said you wanted to do this to me, remember?"

He closed his eyes and breathed in deep. He opened the cap to the lube and poured some onto his palm. "How could I forget?"

"I was thinking about it all day today, I was so wet for you, thinking about what it would feel like. Totally full."

He began to stroke himself, coating his cock with the oil. "Fuck, Buffy, you make me so bloody hard when you say things like that."

He poured another small amount on his hand and began stroking her ass, sliding her cheeks apart and sliding a slick digit around her puckered entrance. "Have you ever done this, luv?"

"Never." He swallowed hard and slowly worked a finger inside her. "Ohh, Spike, yess... I'm so glad you're the first... the only one."

He let out a shuddering breath and leaned down to kiss up and down her spine. "Going to be as gentle as I can, lamb, so gentle, don't want to hurt you."

He slid another finger inside her and felt her tense, he waited until she relaxed before working them to prepare her. He thought briefly of a time when pain would only increase the pleasure of it all, a time when his love had liked him to plunge in and pump away with no regard for her. He shook his head and focused on Buffy, on the purity of their love, of the way she made him feel worthy, like a man that could really care for and love a woman.

"Just one more finger baby, then I'm gonna try it all." She nodded and he reached for a pillow to put under her head. Finally, he figured she was as stretched as she was going to get from his fingers alone and he removed them and placed his cock where they had been.

"Ready, baby?"

"Fuck yes."

He eased his way into her tight passage, pausing when she winced to tensed at all. When he was buried to the hilt they were both panting loudly and he couldn't remember a time when he had felt anything this tight around him.

"Buffy, Buffy, you sweet fucking girl, tightest, hottest... fucking beautiful!"

He leaned down and licked and kissed her neck as he started to pump inside her.

"Spike, oh, God, I've never felt anything like this, you feel so good, baby!"

As she began meeting his thrusts he moved faster. "You want it all, Buffy?"

"Yes, fuck, please, Spike.."

He reached back and grabbed the dildo. He leaned back down and placed a kiss on the back of her neck as he eased the toy inside her. Spike flicked her clit before he began to move both himself and the dildo inside her and she froze for a second before constricting around him and crying out his name. It took all the self-control he possessed to keep from coming just then.

"Spike... oh God, I've never been this full, I love you so much, never been this good with anyone but you..."

He groaned and sped up his movements on all front, making sure to rub her clit on every down stroke. He was past words, his orgasm had been building since the moment he'd slipped inside her and he wasn't sure how much longer he could hold on.

"Buffy.... oh Buffy please come with me... come on, baby.."

"Spike.. fuck.. Spike!"

She came harder the second time than she could ever remember and Spike's roar behind her matched her screams. He thrust inside her quickly as his spunk filled her until it began leaking out. His arms were shaking and he realized he wouldn't be able to hold himself up much longer. He eased himself out of her and pulled the toy out as well. He tossed it on the floor and flopped onto his back, pulling her against his chest and sighing contentedly.

"You're a bloody amazing woman, you know that?"

"I've been told so once or twice."

Spike opened his mouth to say something but then he paused and sat up. He reached over her and brought one of the cameras out and turned it on.

"The sexy parts are over, honey, not really the most exciting moment."

He shook his head and moved back until he could capture her entire body and began snapping off shots. "This is when you're the sexiest to me, all ravished and content, covered in us and loving it. Loving me. I can see it so clearly when you're like this, Buffy." He finally stopped and put the camera down moving so that he could hold her again.

"Best Christmas for sure, luv."

***

A/N: This is the first half of this particular chapter, I hope to have the second half out really soon. This is the beginning of the angst and it will last a little while, but there's a definite happy ending, so don't worry. Reviews are always helpful to the writer, plus they're fun. Hope you enjoy this, and I hope you understand Buffy's motivation. Let me know.

I'm walking through the summer nights
Jukebox playing low
Yesterday everything was going too fast
Today, it's moving too slow
I got no place left to turn
I got nothing left to burn
Don't know if I saw you, if I would kiss you or kill you
It probably wouldn't matter to you anyhow
You left me standing in the doorway, crying
I got nothing to go back to now
-Bob Dylan, Standing in the Doorway

After Christmas everyone thought that perhaps things would slow down and they would be able to thoroughly enjoy the rest of their vacation.

Of course, as with everything involving the Giles' and their friends, things didn't go exactly as planned.

Buffy and Spike collapsed onto their bed back in California and neither of them could really remember specific details about anything. It was a haze of sex, weed, presents, pubs, and, oh yeah, more sex. Buffy's body ached in a way she'd never yet experienced, and even Spike was a bit sore. Neither were complaining however, on the contrary, Buffy and Spike could never remember being so happy.

Of course, as with all things involving Spike, it couldn't last.

Spike wrapped his arms around Buffy and cuddled as close to her as he could before closing his eyes for much needed sleep. They were so exhausted by their trip that they hadn't even managed to take off their coats or get under the covers. Buffy pulled part of Spike's duster around her and turned to face him, burying her head in his neck and breathing in deep, smelling him and feeling finally content, now that they were back home.

The phone rang at an ungodly volume. And it just. wouldn't. stop. Spike groaned loudly and fumbled around for the phone finally finding it and dragging it over to his ear.