---

“Um…Buffy, everything ok?”

“Yeah Will why to do you ask?”

“Cause you’ve been smearing peanut butter on that piece of bread for about 15 minutes now.”

Buffy glanced down at half a jar of peanut butter, supported by one little piece of white bread.

*Oh, crap*

“I just like a lot of PB with my J that’s all…”

Willow peered at Buffy through the doorway; she stood, her arms crossed looking very amused. “Uhuh.”

Buffy held up the knife and looked innocently at her Willow, “What? Its protein right?”

Willow nodded her head supportively, “Right, gotta have that protein.”

The girls both erupted in giggles, and Buffy laid down the peanut butter knife and banged her head on the counter softly. “When did we grow up Wil?”

Willow made a thoughtful face, “Sometime between the first vamp and the next...217.”

“Boy, we sure grew up fast.” They looked at each other silent for a moment, and then burst out laughing hysterically again. Buffy moved to through her peanut butter creation in the trash, and began picking up the mess she had made on the counter.

“Are you doing ok Buffy?”

She smiled encouragingly at Willow, masking any hurt she felt. “I’m great, just call me Super-Buffy. “

Willow’s face shifted uncomfortably, not buying her best friend’s ruse. “It’s ok to hurt you know…”

“I’m not…” Buffy paused and took a deep breath, “…I’m not hurting. I was Will, it stung, but then I remembered who we were talking about. He isn’t worth the pain, and we’re giving him too much credit in that department.”

“He does love you Buffy…in his own, sarcastic evilly way, he loves you.”

“But, I don’t love him.”

Willow was silent and watched Buffy’s face carefully.

“He was a distraction; he got my mind off the whole dying thingy. And, yeah we did get a long for a bit, but it’s over, it was over before he slept with Anya. I ended it. I guess I didn’t expect him to run right out and…”
“Move on?” Buffy lifted her startled gaze to meet Willow’s eyes.

Buffy started, “I don’t…”

“He did what you told him to do, he moved on Buffy. Now the choice of partners wasn’t exactly his best idea, but he was trying. I don’t think you really believed he would just let you go that easily.”

Buffy avoided Willow’s intense stare and turned to stare out the kitchen window. “Am I that transparent?” Buffy whispered, and Willow barely caught it.

“No Buffy, I have extra-special best friend ‘o’ vision remember? You gotta have someone who understands you.”

Buffy sighed, and continued to stare out the window at the fading sun. “I did Wil…I did.”

***

“Give them to me!”

“No-hey! Let it go; I’m the one who has to cast the spell you dummy!”

“Stop!” Warren stepped between Andrew and Jonathan and grabbed the box from Jonathan’s fingers. “Your break these and we’re screwed; got it?”

Jonathan and Andrew continued to glare at each other as Warren opened the box. He smiled evilly at the two orbs.

“How much longer do we have to wait?” Andrew whined stomping his foot. “It’s getting dark!”

“She has to be in the cemetery; does it look like the Slayer’s here?”

Jonathan shifted anxiously; his eyes darting back and forth. “Is this really going to work? I mean, she’ll be gone right? No more Slayer?”

“If you don’t mess it up C3PO…” Andrew muttered under his breath.

“I heard that!”

“If everything goes according to plan we won’t have to worry about the Slayer interfering for a very long time.”

“Yeah…like 300 years…” Jonathan piped up, and the three boys laughed hysterically.

Warren slipped the box into his pants’ pocket. “She’ll be here soon, duty calls.”

***

She was dragging her feet, and she knew it. It wasn’t that she didn’t feel the need to beat the crap out of something; it was that she didn’t want to have to do it in the cemetery. He would be there; if he wasn’t creeping around waiting for her, he would be out of his crypt as soon as he sensed her.

“I’ll just have to patrol the ‘other’ side of the cemetery,” she muttered.

She kicked a rock as she made her way slowly through the headstones. “I was here first anyway; he should leave…”

She wasn’t ready to look at him; all she would be able to see would be the flickering image of him and Anya.

*Stop thinking about it*

Luckily she wasn’t given the chance; she grunted as something tackled her from behind. She climbed to her feet shoving the cold body away from her and crashing into a tombstone.

“Geez no warning? Didn’t wake up with any manners huh?”

The vamp growled at her in response and lunged forward again. Buffy ducked his advance and countered with a kick to the chest that sent him staggering backwards.

“You know, sometimes I really feel sorry for you newly raised vamps,” she raised her arm to block and kneed him in the crotch. “You just died, and now you’re ‘powerful creatures of the night’ or the living undead, something like that. Sucks to be you, running into me your first five minutes out of the grave.”

She let out a groan as the vamp got in a solid kick to her stomach. Buffy stumbled backwards, and look up in time to see the vamp charging again. She ducked and let him slide over her back and head first into the side of a crypt. She turned; hands on hips, and shook her head at him. “You would be sooo much smarter if you left the cemetery as soon as you dug yourself outta your coffin. But no, you gotta see what’s hanging around the cemetery; who do you think hangs around the cemetery in the middle of the night? Little pudgy red-faced kids? Ha!”

Buffy stomped forward and cross kicked the vamp in the face, and quickly staked him, and rolled her eyes at his face as he turned to dust. “Just don’t know how to take a joke.”

“Really shouldn’t tease ‘em like that Slayer; just gets their hopes up.”

Buffy’s eyes widened and she spun to see the bleach blonde vampire she had wanted to avoid leaning against a tree, smoking a cigarette.

“Either way they’re dust,” she glared at him. “Wanna see what it feels like?”

Spike flicked the cigarette away, and took a few tentative steps forward. He let his gaze travel up and down the length of her body, “Oh, I know what it feels like pet.” He let the tip of his tongue rest between his teeth as he ogled her.

“You’re a pig spike, and do you really think I’d ever let you touch me again?”

His eyes flickered with some unrecognizable emotion, and he stuffed his hands in his pockets. “That was the sodding point wasn’t it? No more Buffy for Spike; so I go find a bird who appreciates what I have to offer, and I nearly get my head chopped off for it. Don’t pretend you even bloody care luv.”

Buffy slowly slid the stake into the edge of her pants, “I don’t.” She said it softly, hoping it would convince him, cause it sure as hell didn’t convince her.

“Good cause I…”Spike stopped his eye widening and he dashed toward Buffy. “Get DOWN!”

Buffy looked before she reacted, turning and catching a glimpse of Warren throwing something bright at her. The glowing ball hit her the same time as Spike, and she screamed as they were enveloped in a cloud of smoke and a corresponding “BANG!”

Jonathan and Andrew stepped out from where they were cowering behind Warren and looked to the empty spot where the Slayer had been standing only seconds before.
“It worked?” Jonathan’s voice was full of surprise.

“It worked.” Warren was grinning, and rubbing his hands together. “An added bonus too; seems Spike took a ride with the Slayer.”

---

*The grass smells like cigarettes*

Buffy shifted uncomfortably, and then blinked.

*The grass smells like cigarettes?*

She wasn’t lying on the grass; Buffy had her faced pressed into what she could only assume was Spike’s leather duster, and beneath that….she groaned; Spike. She pushed herself up and stared down at the seemingly unconscious vampire.

*Saved my ass again*

Spike grunted as Buffy used his chest to support her weight, and stand. Buffy’s eyes narrowed, and she let her foot fly and kicked Spike softly in the side.

“Wake up you lazy vampire!”

Spike’s eyes snapped open; she was a vision in grass stains and leaves standing above him. “Buffy…?”

Buffy rolled her eyes, and held out her hand for him to grab; she pulled him to his feet. She did it instinctively; given him her hand like it was something she did everyday. His touched burned her, even though his hand was cold. She pulled her hand out of his with a hard yank; he staggered and held the other hand to his head.

“No Santa Clause you dork.”

Spike glared at her, “What’s got you in such a tizzy luv? You seem to be in one piece; obviously didn’t lose any of that nasty Slayer charm.”

“No thanks to you! This wouldn’t have happened in the first place if you weren’t intent on playing the ‘oh so scorned’ stalker routine.”

Spike snorted, “Not my bleedin’ fault you were too busy yapping to pay attention.” He paused and raised an eyebrow at her, “’Sides pet, what exactly do you think “this” is anyway?”

Buffy frowned, and looked around; they were still in the cemetery, minus the annoying geek trio. “I guess whatever their “genius” plan was failed; they probably just took off.”

Spike wasn’t looking at her anymore, he was searching his duster. “Y’see my smokes lying around anywhere?”

Buffy made a face, and turned and began walking away.

“Fine, be that way then. Not like I saved your butt, again.” He watched her stalk away.

*She doesn’t even know how bloody beautiful she is*

He spoke a little louder this time; she was almost out of his range. “Not like it matters pet; I like seeing you leave just as much as I like seeing you come.”

She stopped; she couldn’t turn around, if she did he would see her face and know how upset his glib comments made her. Her eyes were glittering with anger, and tears were threatening to fall. For someone who claimed to love her, he didn’t hesitate to remind her what he really was.

“You’re a sadistic bastard Spike.” She resumed walking away from him; she wasn’t going to give the chance to respond.

“Um, no actually I my folks were hitched pet!” He called after her. “Stupid bint…” muttered as he searched through his pockets for his cigarettes again. She was no fun anymore; not even a hint of a sarcastic comment.

*What do you expect you wanker?*

***

Buffy was kicking at rocks again; it was the only thing she could do to keep her mind off the bleach blonde menace she had left behind. She took a sharp right, pushing her way through the bushes into the woods.

*No chance I’ll run into him again in here*

Ten minutes later; she was lost.

“Way to go Buffy; very smart plan.” She let out a yelp as a branch she had pushed out of the way snapped back and struck her in the face.

*If you screamed loud enough he would come running.*

“Nope, uhuh. I’m not giving him another excuse to come to my rescue tonight.” She let out a frustrated sigh, and stopped moving. She glanced around; darkness, trees, and more darkness.

“So. This is it? This is the stuff you've been protecting me from? You and Spike?”

“ And a lot of monsters.”

“ Uh-huh.”

“ But it's over; Spike.”

“I wish you'd told me.”

“I kinda didn't wanna admit it to myself.”

“I get that…he loves you, right?”

“I don’t know Dawn; I think that, he thought he did but…”

“But how could he do this to you if he loved you right? Maybe he didn’t know what else to do Buffy; did you ever think maybe he was hurting too?”

Buffy glanced behind her; trying to picture what he was doing through the masses of trees. Dawn’s voice kept echoing through her brain, “…maybe he was hurting too…”

She was fighting herself; she had even admitted to him that he was what she wanted. Yet to his face she let him believe he meant nothing; nothing more than a distraction, a convenient way to add some life to her…life. So why did she feel this way; like someone had kicked her in the stomach and she couldn’t breath.

*That’s what it feels like when you’re heart is broken.

“No!” she yelled it aloud; it wasn’t possible. She did not love Spike; she didn’t even like Spike.

Buffy was totally in her own world; wrestling with her thoughts on Spike, she didn’t hear the rustling in the bushes, until it turned into a growl. Her head whipped around; something on the back of her neck began to tingle.

*Vampire*

“You’re not doing a very good job of sneaking up on me; I think if you cut back on the growling, it would work better.” Damn, even her taunts were becoming as pathetic as she was feeling.

There so answer, only another snarl. Out of the bushes a large half naked body came hurling forward and smashed into her. Buffy and vampire crashed to the ground; she immediately began struggling trying to free herself from his heavy body.

The vampire was snarling like a wild animal; saliva was dripping down onto her face. He was scratching at her with his hands, and trying to nip at her aggressively with his fangs. He was too heavy; too strong.

“Spi…” she began to scream, but it died in throat. Her eyes were fixated on the face above her, those puppy dog brown eyes… “…Angel?”

His eyes flickered, but he didn’t respond. He looked down at her as if she was a meal, and growled again.

“Angel…what are you…what is going on?”

He looked confused, but no less dangerous. He was smelling her, hackles risen, and on the offensive. Buffy went completely still; he was acting so similar to the period of time after…

*Oh my God*

Buffy’s eyes widened, and she opened her mouth and let out a piercing scream. “SPIKE!!!!!”

There wasn’t a response, no barreling hero through the shrubs, she was alone, and Angel had gone insane; again.

She began too struggle panic-stricken again but to no avail.

“Well, well…what have we got here?”

Buffy froze, “No wait…you don’t understand…” she tried to call out to the unseen female who was going to attempt to intervene.

“Why don’t you come up here and pick a fair fight?” The woman was taunting Angel, “Besides, Slayer blood tastes a whole lot better I’ve heard.”

“Huh?” Buffy whispered.

The vampire turned, and Buffy could hear the girl let out a gasp. Angel jumped to his feet and crashed straight towards the visitor. Buffy scrambled to her feet and screeched to a standstill.

*Oh shit*

The girl was doing her best to fend off Angel, but she was obviously too distracted to do any damage.

“Angel?” she heard the girl whisper, and she parried his attacks.

Buffy began to back away from the scene frantically; she couldn’t be seen, this was a whole lot more than she was prepared to deal with right now. She would run, and then she would figure out how it was possible that she was watching Angel battle a Slayer. The Slayer. Her.

---

He’d heard her scream his name, and if she had bloody hell felt she needed to do that; something was wrong. He took off at a flat out sprint; he could still smell her scent, barely. When her scent took a sharp right into the woods he skidded to a stop.

*What in the bleedin’ hell is she doing stumbling around in the woods?*

He didn’t have to wait long for an answer, the Slayer came barreling out of the trees and crashed into him, sending them both sailing to the ground. She was shaking uncontrollably, and her breathing was serrated, but she didn’t move, she lay on top of him.

“Buffy?”

His voice cut through her comatose state; she looked down at him wildly. “Let go of me!” She shoved at him sending her sprawling on her back.

“Right then; you come charging out of the woods and run into me and it’s my bloody fault.” Spike jumped to his feet and stared down at her in disgust. “Stupid bint…”he muttered.

She looked up at him, and he noticed the fear in her eyes; something he didn’t see often.

“What is it then Slayer? What’s got you so bloody spooked?”

“Angel…” she whispered, trying to sort her thoughts into something coherent.

Spike started laughing, “Peaches is out in the woods playin’ sodding Boy Scout? That’s what’s got you so riled up?”

She shook her head, and struggled to her feet. Things were starting to make it a bit more sense, and she wasn’t as confused as she had been minutes before.

“Spike, wake up! Do you honestly think that just seeing Angel would cause me to run away?”

“Do you really want me to answer that?”

She dusted herself off, wincing as she noticed the slices in her shirt, and the thin lines of blood underneath. “You always make with the big ego whenever Angel gets mentioned; did you ever think it’s because I don’t try to avoid him like I do you?”

Spike’s eyes narrowed but not before Buffy caught a small flicker of pain, “You called my bleedin’ name Slayer, I heard it; so skip the nasties and tell me what the bloody hell is going on?”

She straightened, “Angel attacked me; went all crazy and then I saved myself.”

Spike blinked, “Did you hit your head while you were running through the trees Slayer?”

Buffy frowned at him and stamped her foot, “Another me Spike! It was me; she distracted Angel and starting fighting him. It’s happened before…I fought him when he was crazy and now it’s happening again.”

He raised an eyebrow at her, “I’m not sure I follow you around that bend luv.”

Buffy growled in frustration. “This, the whole scene back there, has ALREADY HAPPENED. Almost 4 years ago, after I killed Angel, and then he made with the big second coming. He was all crazy and wild after being stuck in hell. I found him in the woods, and I had to beat him unconscious. I dragged him to the mansion and chained him up there. THIS ALREADY HAPPENED!” She was close to being hysterical, pacing back and forth rambling. He could only stare and watch, she was nutty as a sack of hammers.

“Right…so what exactly are you saying luv? That we’re in the past? That the Star Trek triplets sent us back in time?”

“Yeah,” she paused and stared at him. “That’s what I’m saying.”

Spike grinned suddenly and evil glow coming into his eyes. “Which means, I don’t have a bloody chip now do I?”

Buffy stared at him, he truly was an idiot. “Spike, think about it. If I saw another me, that means there is probably another you around her somewhere. That Spike doesn’t have a chip, you do.”

“Bugger.”

She almost laughed at the defeated look on his face.

*He’s so damn cute*

“So what do we do then?”

She tore her gaze away from his face, and turned and peered back into the forest. “We should probably go see Giles.”

“Watcher-boy? What is he going to do?”

“We could seriously mess up the future by being here Spike, we have to find a way to get back, and Giles is…the most grounded of the Scoobies.”

She turned back to him quickly, a grimace covering her features. Spike took an involuntary step towards her. “You’re hurt.”

She picked at her ruined shirt with disgust, “It’s nothing; although I think my shirt is done for.”

He tilted his head to the side and smiled at her. “Always worried more about your bloody clothes than what is underneath.”

She glanced up at him sharply; he was looking at her with soft eyes.

*He still loves me*

He coughed and straightened; she had noticed him watching her. “Ok Slayer, let’s go then.”

She gazed at him warily as he began to walk away, sometimes, she just didn’t get him.

***

“It doesn’t look like anyone’s home pet.”

“I can see that Spike; I’m just trying…to remember what else was going on that night.”

Spike rolled his eyes; he was still searching through his duster for his lost cigarettes. “Aha!” He pulled out a bent cigarette and lit it. Buffy giggled, he looked ridiculous the cigarette was bent at an odd angle and he looked ridiculous.

“What?” She was smiling, at him; wonders never cease.

She continued to grin at him, “For the ‘Big Bad’ you’re kind of a dork.”

He coughed, choking on the smoke from his cigarette. “Take that back.” She just laughed in response and turned back to Giles’s apartment.

“Ok, so I was in the woods when I found Angel the first time. I was looking for…werewolves, yes!”

Spike just raised an eyebrow at her.

“Some kid got murdered, and there was a possibility it was Oz. I went out patrolling to see if I could find another werewolf to get Oz off the hook.”

“And you found Peaches instead? That must have been a giggle.”

Her smile faded. “Oh yeah, I thought he was dead, I’d sacrificed the love of my life, and suddenly he’s there in the woods. It really was a Hallmark moment Spike.” She took two steps and punched him in the nose.

“Hey! Watch the nose!”

She turned her back on him. “Xander and Willow went to the morgue to get evidence from the dead dude, and Faith was guarding Oz in the library. Giles should be here…”

“Yeah well he isn’t luv.” He was rubbing his nose. “There is nothing we can do now, let’s find a place to crash and figure it out tomorrow; unless you want to go have a chit-chat with Faith?” He grinned at her, knowing her answer.

She gave him “the look”. “We can’t go to my house, mom will freak.”

“Well I’d say we could go to my crypt, but technically I haven’t moved in yet.”

She looked at him curiously. “Where are you now? I mean then? I mean….oh you know what I mean.”

He stopped smiley, and shifted awkwardly. “In Brazil with Dru,”

Buffy’s mouth made a small O but she didn’t respond.

“I guess we don’t have much of a bleedin’ choice. You head back to my crypt and I’ll go scrounge us up some supplies before sunrise.”

“Supplies?”

He smirked at her. “Don’t get your panties in a twist luv; I’m talking blankets and maybe some food. I’m feeling a bit peckish myself.”

She blushed, how easily her thoughts betrayed her. “Right, ok.”

***


She sat on the cold slate of the tomb; he wasn’t back yet. She shivered; it was so empty in here, she couldn’t recall a time when she had been in here and it hadn’t been ‘Spike’s crypt’. She closed her eyes; things should be so clear now, but they weren’t everything was a mess. Not just because her and Spike had been thrust back 4 years, but because she should hate him, but she didn’t.

*You ended it you idiot*

She had no right to judge him on his actions; she had broken all ties in their relationship. Although, sleeping with Anya was kind of a low blow. She understood that too; Anya was hurting, Spike was hurting and they were trying to move on…together.

*Throw in a bottle of JD and its party time*

It hurt, why did it hurt so much? She didn’t love him, but he was hers.

“Willow was right…” she muttered to the empty crypt.

He’d been around for so long, on her heals, consistent and persistent. She’d taken him for granted.

*It’s just the sex you miss, that’s all!*

But it wasn’t just the sex; he got her, better than most other people did. They were so similar.

“Oh my god, I did not just think that.” She mentally smacked herself.

*I should apologize*

“It’s gotta be the time travel talking…” she muttered again. “What do I have to apologize for?”

*For treating him like he was nothing; for using him.*

“He wanted it though! He knew I was using him, and he didn’t care.”

*Because he loves you, you dope.*

She crossed her arms and began to pout. She shouldn’t even be having this conversation with herself. He slept with Anya; he wouldn’t have slept with Anya if he really did love her.

*He thought it would help him stop loving me.*

“Oh God…” Buffy put her head in her hands, and pulled at her hair. “I am going crazy.”

She sat up straight, trying to dissolve her fears.

“I’m going to apologize.” She uttered the words to the empty crypt; it was out there now, she couldn’t take it back.

“Apologize for what pet?” Spike stood the doorway to the crypt, holding two large garbage bags stuffed full.

She stared at him, her mouth hanging open.

*Oh shit.*

---

“Huh?” Buffy tried to look as innocent and confused as possible.

*I can’t believe he heard me; way to go with the tact Buffy*

Spike grinned, and tilted his head to one side. “What are you apologizing for pet, and to who? ‘Cause I’d like to be front row center for that bloody miracle.”

Buffy’s eyes narrowed, “No one you know Spikey.”

Spike chuckled and stepped down into the crypt dropping the garbage bags. “Right Slayer, because you’re social circle expands beyond the Scoobies and the undead.”

He was such a jerk; how could he ever expect her to apologize when he made it impossible to feel any remorse.

*He doesn’t expect you to that’s why*

“What’s in the bags?” she changed the subject; her opening had fled.

He raised an eyebrow at her skill in avoiding his questions.

“Blankets, pillows and blood.”

“Oh.” She hadn’t expected him to bring her anything to eat, so why was she disappointed he hadn’t thought of it?

“Here,” he pulled a Ziploc bag out of his duster and tossed it to her; a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, her favorite.

“Thought you might be peckish.” He turned and began unpacking the bags. He was playing it off like it meant nothing, but the look on her face was all the thanks he needed, but she surprised him.

“Thanks,” it was soft and genuine. He pulled the blankets out of the bag, a few pillows, and an egg crate foam layer. She pretended not to notice but she saw it. He was still surprising her after all this time how thoughtful he was; even after all the shit they’d done to each other over the years.

She munched away on her sandwich as he moved to arrange everything into two separate begs; across the crypt from each other. He finished, and hopped onto the edge of the tomb across from her; opening his jar of blood he took a deep gulp. Disgust flittered across his face as he drank it down.

“You weren’t seen were you?” she tried the small talk route.

“Not by anyone who matters Slayer.”

She stopped herself from arguing with him; he wasn’t supposed to be here now in this time. He couldn’t be seen at all.

“So what other bleedin’ surprised should we expect? Besides White Fang out there?”

Buffy scrunched up her face; she hasn’t been thinking about their situation she had been fretting about him.

“Ok…well it was my senior year so…evil Faith, Trick, Acathala, the Mayor…”

“Skip the obvious ones luv and stick to the ones that’ll pop up and bite us in the ass.”

Buffy stiffened at his condescending tone. “Don’t call me that!” Her voice was low and full of warning.

He looked at her strangely; she’d been acting off since he’d gotten back.

“What is your deal Slayer? Just get it out in the open for chrissakes!”

“You had sex with Anya!” Buffy covered her mouth in shock; she hadn’t meant to say that. He was looking at her like she’d kicked him in the stomach.

“We’ve been bloody shot back four years in the past and you’re upset because Anya and I were in the sack? Bloody hell Buffy, you don’t even care! You said it yourself! You sure as hell don’t love me, and I doubt you even sodding like me. You ended with me and what did you think I would do…wait?”

*Yes*

He took her silence as an answer. “Right then, I get it. You don’t want me but you don’t bloody hell want anyone else to either. ‘N don’t think you can pawn this off on you comin’ back from the dead, because this is you Slayer. So please, explain it to me.”

He was angry; fuming. He loved her, and shagging Anya hadn’t changed that; it had just made it all the more obvious. Here she was throwing it in face; he couldn’t be with but she didn’t want him to move on.

“I don’t know.” She lifted her head to look at him and he softened instantly at the moisture glittering in her eyes. “It…” she stumbled over the words. “…it means something that you love me. I know I don’t have the best rack record for relationships; I’d be lucky if I wasn’t named ‘Worst Girlfriend in History’.”

Spike cracked a small smile at her attempt to poke fun at herself.

“Knowing the feelings are there makes me feel like I’m not alone Spike.”

He was stunned; she was being honest with him and actually sharing her feelings about them. “You’re not alone pet; you have the Scoobies and Dawn.”

“It’s not the same.”

They were both silent.

“It hurt…not because you were with Anya but because it wasn’t me. I’m the one who caused the whole thing to happen, and I blame myself for putting you in that position, and then hating you for it.”

He looked at her, his face guarded. “Are you apologizing pet?”

She sighed and wiped the moisture from her eyes. “It looks that way doesn’t it?”

Spike slid to the floor and slowly crossed the space between them. He looked down at her solemn face and raised a hand to push the hair out of her eyes. Buffy flinched unwillingly, and he drew back a frown gracing his features.

“Sorry…habit…” she muttered.

He broke into a grin. “Twice in one night; must be some kind of record.”

She looked at him, suddenly very tired. “I don’t want to fight with you anymore. I know that sounds ridiculous because that’s what we do; it’s what we’ve always done. I just…can’t anymore Spike. Can’t we just pretend everything is ok for once?”

“I won’t tell if you won’t luv.”

She smiled wearily up at him and shocked him again by reaching out and grabbing his hand.

“Shake on it?”

He relished the feel of her skin against his; he had begun to believe he would never feel it again.

She released his hand, and hopped to the floor. “Which side do you want?”

He sighed, “Doesn’t make a sodding difference; ladies choice I guess.”

She made her way to the “bed” on the left and snuggled down on the foam and burrowed her way into the blankets. She had no problem taking the softer bed; he was a vampire after all. Cold floors shouldn’t bother him. She was asleep before he had even approached his makeshift bed. He stood for a moment staring down at her slumbering form.

*What I have ever done to deserve her?*

She had apologized to him, and taken the blunt of the blame for all the tension between them. She was amazing and totally crazy at the same time.

“Sleep tight Slayer…” he whispered as he lay down on his own bed and promptly fell asleep.

***

*It’s cold as death in here….duh it’s a crypt genius*

Buffy was shivering uncontrollably. She had a pile of blankets, but she was freezing. She never remembered it being this cold in here before.

*That’s because you always had Spike wrapped around you and you were creating enough heat to warm the North Pole*

She rolled away from the wall and glanced over at Spike’s sound asleep body. She was fighting herself again; all she wanted to do was crawl under the blankets with him and let him warm her up.

*His body is just as cold as the floor*

She shook her head at herself; she would have to stick it out. She had too much pride to go creeping back to him after she had made it clear she didn’t want him anymore.

*You can freeze your ass off the rest of the night, or suck it up and go over there*

She threw the blankets off and got to her feet; she padding quietly across the floor.

Spike had awakened the moment her feet hit the floor.

*What n’ the bloody hell is she doing?*

He didn’t react; he kept his eyes closed and feigned sleep. He could feel her getting closer, hell he could smell her.

Buffy sank to her knees besides Spike and wiggled her way under the blanket. She didn’t touch him; just lay beside him holding her breath.

Spike shifted, and his eyes opened. Even in the dark she could see how blue his eyes were; he didn’t say anything, just raised his arm in welcome.

Buffy let out an internal sigh and moved close to his body, letting him wrap his arm around her and hold her close. Even though his body was cold he was warming her. She didn’t know if it was the close contact or just her imagination running away with her again.

She let her head hit the pillow, and he continued to watch her. Their eyes remained in contact; neither one blinking as their watched each other. Both were waiting for reactions, but there weren’t any.

Buffy’s eyes fluttered shut, and Spike applied more pressure with his arms and she scooted closer laying a hand on his chest. His stomach was is knots. There was no way he could sleep now, not with her totally helpless in his arms. He wasn’t going to miss a minute.

---

He hadn’t woken when she had slipped out of his arms; he continued to sleep peacefully. It was eerie how dead he looked when he slept; so pale and unmoving, which wasn’t altogether strange since he was actually dead.

Buffy had left the crypt hurriedly trying to avoid an awkward early morning confrontation. She had swallowed her pride last night and gone to him despite her inner turmoil over the events of the past few weeks. She couldn’t have bared waking this morning to a mocking gaze and harsh words. He would do it too; taunt her for coming to him in need. He was evil; he couldn’t help it.

*Then why didn’t he say anything last night?*

She told herself to shut up and continued towards Giles’ apartment. She had to catch him before he left for school. School; she grimaced, not something she planned to revisit if she could help it.

She knocked on the door and waited a few moments until it opened. Giles stood tea in hand.

“Buffy what on earth are you doing here so early? And…” he looked confusedly at her. “When did you have time to cut your hair?”

She shifted nervously, “Giles I think you are going to need to sit down for this one.”

15 Minutes Later

Giles started laughing; he removed his glasses and wiped his eyes. “Right good one Buffy…you almost had me there for a moment.”

Buffy sat stonily in silence glaring at Giles. “Do you want me to tell you what happens at the end of this year? Who dies, or maybe what happens to the library and all of your precious books?”

Giles stopped, “You’re completely serious?”

“Gee way to state the obvious Giles.”

“Bloody hell.”

Buffy sighed, “So you kinda get why I came to you…I don’t want to screw up the future.”

Giles sank down in a chair astounded. “We’ve got to get you back before you change something.”

“Although…” Buffy began thoughtfully, “There are some things…”

“Don’t even suggest it Buffy; you could severely alter this world and there could be dire consequences.”

“God depressing much? Gee...so you don’t think preventing my mom from dying is purposeful? Or how about saving myself from having to give up my life for Dawn and save the world again?”

“Buffy stop! And who is Dawn?”

Buffy threw her hands in the air, “Isn’t there a spell that Willow can cast that can erase all memories of us? Like that Tabulu Ruso thingy?”

“I’m sorry Willow? A memory spell? And if I’m not mistaken you said us? WHO ELSE GOT SENT BACK WITH YOU?”

Buffy looked very uncomfortable; if it was possible Giles disliked Spike even more now than he did in the future. There was a loud banging on the door and prevented her from having to tell him. “Oh God…” Buffy groaned; no question who that was.

Giles rose, opened the door and came face to face with a slightly charred Spike, duster over head.

“Hey Rupes- invite would be nice!”

Giles went ape-shit. “BUFFY GRAB YOUR AX!!!”

Buffy jumped to her feet and moved beside Giles. She laid a hand on his shoulder trying to calm him. “Giles give him an invite.”

Giles looked repulsed, “Are you insane? It’s William the Bloody.”

“Not for long…”Spike grumbled impatiently.

“Giles…it isn’t the same Spike as in this time…well not completely.” She rolled her eyes catching Spike’s cocky grin. “Please…just trust me.”

Giles sighed and stepped away from the doorway. “Come in…Spike…” he spat out venomously.

Spike continued grinning walking through the doorway, and dropped his duster. “Bout sodding time!”

Giles drew back his arm and punched Spike square in the face; smiling in satisfaction at the forthcoming “CRUNCH!”

“Bloody hell!”

“OW!”

Giles was holding his hand, and Spike was rubbing his nose. “I take it you didn’t tell him Slayer?”

“Tell me what?”

Spike snapped his nose back into place, and wiped the blood from his face on his sleeve. “Oh, well in the future Buffy and I are engaged, she doesn’t try to kill me, I’m a chip head, and oh yeah…Slayer and I shag,” Spike paused for dramatic affect. “A-LOT.”

Buffy rolled her eyes and Spike chuckled at the appalled look on Giles’ face. “Nope, guess she didn’t tell you then.”

Giles looked at Buffy waiting for her to put the vampire in his place.

“Ok, first we were only engaged for like 2 hours, and that was because of Willow’s spell. I don’t try to kill him because he is harmless and it would be kinda like asking a three-legged dog to stand up…”

“Oi!”

She ignored Spike, but didn’t continue.

“Buffy?” Giles croaked.

Her face flushed bright red and she stared at the floor. “That’s all I have to say.”

Giles looked green, “Dear lord. What kind of world does this turn into?”

“I don’t think you have any right to judge…things change, circumstances change…”

“But SPIKE?”

Buffy rolled her eyes again as Giles went in search of his Scotch.

“If it makes you feel any better you don’t feel any differently about Spike in the future than you do now.”

“Thank God for that.” Giles skipped the mannerly approach and swallowed deeply directly from the bottle.

Spike gave Buffy a dark look and slumped down on the couch and began fiddling with the remote.

“What are we going to do Giles?”

“Hit the books; although we’ll have to be careful you aren’t seen by anyone.”

“I’m telling you Giles we need to get Willow in on this. There is a memory spell that can wipe our presence after you sent us home.”

Giles sighed, “Fine; Willow but no one else. And you still need to be cautious in case the spell proves inadequate.”

“Yer forgetting we’re going to need Red to get us back…no one else powerful enuff to bloody do it.” Spike still hadn’t removed his gaze from the television.

“Where are…”Giles coughed. “Where are you two staying?”

“Spike’s crypt…which you have no idea about...” she muttered to herself. “But if this is going to be an extended vacation I’m opting for something a bit more ….comfy.”

“Seemed pretty comfy to me…” Spike said slyly casting a pointed look at Buffy causing her to flush.

“Oh dear lord…”Giles closed his eyes and took another swig from the bottle.

“Knock it off spike; it wasn’t anything and you know it.”

*Liar*

Spike and Buffy locked gazes; neither one blinking. It had been something; she wasn’t going to admit it and he sure as hell wasn’t going to be a prat and have her deny it.

“Well I suppose the mansion would work…” Giles cast a tentative glance at Buffy gauging her reaction.

“NO!” She knew what Giles thought; that she was uncomfortable with Angel’s death when she actually was concerned with who was currently staying the in the mansion. She wasn’t about to share space with a deranged Angel and herself. That would be bad, very bad. It wasn’t the time to let that cat out of the bag yet. Besides, she’d already had to face the hurt and disappointed looks the first time around; she wasn’t going to do it again.


***

Buffy sat on the back outside on the front step head in hands; Giles was on the phone trying to get a hold of Willow. Went had everything gone to hell? Her life had never been perfect; heck most of it had been downright painful. Why was she doomed to repeat it, without being able to fix any of her mistakes?

*You could fix one right now dummy*

Spike, plaguing her thoughts as usual; she didn’t know when he had become her primary concern. He was always in the back of her head; reminding her that she was there, feeling and living. He had given her something to live for; not him of course, but the realization that she did have emotions. Most of them anger and disgust directed towards him.

He was right though, as usual. She wanted him because he made her feel, but she didn’t want him openly in her life. Doing that would make her a monster, and it would take any sense of normality out of her existence.

*When has anything ever been normal?*

“That bad huh?”

She didn’t glance up, but she knew he was standing behind her. He was staring down at the top of her head, his fingers itched to play with her hair, but he restrained himself.

“What now Spike?”

Spike frowned, and sank down on the step next to her; scooting back as far as he could avoiding the sunlight.

“You’re being a right bitch ya know.”

She glanced over at him; he was wearing a brooding expression and she couldn’t help but laugh.

“You keep looking like that Spike and I’m going to start calling you Angel.”

He growled and shoved her playfully. “I’m nothing like the poof and you know it luv.”

“No, you’re not.”

They sat in silence. Spike knew she was thinking about Angel; the love of her life. Stupid ponce had used a bloody weak excuse to run out on her, and somehow still managed to keep her pining for him. Wasn’t bleedin’ fair; he was the one in the middle of it. He was fighting with her, beside her, for her; pouring his heart out and loving her and he didn’t even have a sodding soul.

Buffy stared at the step. Spike was nothing like Angel; they both knew it, but she didn’t know if that was a bad thing anymore. Angel had never truly been there for her; he had loved her, and been a fighter in the beginning. But he was gone now, and had been; he only popped in when something major occurred and when he felt the need to butt in on her life. She hadn’t ever voiced the credit Spike deserved for sticking by her all this time; despite the fact she had shunned him at every turn. She was defensive whenever he was near her, because she was afraid of getting hurt. She wasn’t scared of him, when she was near him she felt like a 16 year old girl again. Whatever came out of her mouth was the exact opposite of what she was thinking, because she didn’t know how to tell him how she was feeling.

“I thought we weren’t going to fight anymore?”

“You started it pet.”

They stared at each other and then broke into sheepish smiles.

“You know,” she started jokingly. “I could just stake you in this time and save myself all this trouble in the future.”

He raised an eyebrow at her, “’N what’s the fun in that? ‘M not even here yet luv.”

“You will be.”

He looked slightly confused, and then he remembered. “Bugger…forgot all about that…”

She grinned at him, “I’m kinda looking forward to that; haven’t seen the ‘Big Bad’ in quite some time, I’m starting to forget what he was like.”

Spike scowled at her, and then softened as she laughed at him. “I’m still the ‘Big Bad’ pet; just because I choose to love you rather than hurt you.”

He sent her senses spinning; he could be so sensitive and normal sometimes. It got her in the gut every time he told her he loved her; she may not love him back, but she liked hearing him say it.

“Tell me again.”

“What?”

“You know ‘what’. Tell me again.”

“I love you Slayer.”

They stared at each other for what seemed liked forever. Spike didn’t deny what he felt, and would openly tell her anytime. He loved her, and he wasn’t ashamed; it had changed him, and he couldn’t pretend it wasn’t the reason he had changed.

“Buffy??” They both looked up suddenly; Willow was standing on the walk staring at her and Spike.

“Here we go again…” Spike muttered.

“Ok…so bright flashy light and ‘poof’ two Buffys?”

“Yeah that’s the gist of it.”

Willow didn’t look as surprised as Giles had; she was too busy staring cautiously at Spike, and had been through most of the conversation.

“And…you want me to do a spell and send you back…and um…erase our memories? Not to be the party pooper but I CAN’T DO THAT.”

“The power is there Red; just a few years behind schedule.”

“We don’t have a choice Will; there is no one else. We can’t stay here! I can’t stay here; I can’t do this all again.”

“Um…all Buffy?”

Buffy sighed, “You really don’t want to know.”

Willow huffed up, “Well yeah, I kinda do Buffy! What about Oz? Is he really killing people? If not, then who is?”

“Buffy-“ Giles started and then stopped at her look.

“Does it really matter how the whole Oz/crazy killer deal gets sorted? If I tell you it can get fixed faster, minus you getting shot with a tranq dart.”

“It isn’t just the big things Buffy…and tranq dart?”

“It isn’t Oz…ok Will? I’ll leave it at that.”

Spike stood, realizing the conversation was going nowhere. “Look, obviously we need to stay out of the bloody way, and not bugger things up.” Spike looked pointedly at Buffy. “Which means no letting the cat out of the bleedin’ bag Slayer.”

“Hey!”

Giles cleared his throat, “I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I agree with Spike.”

“So what, we hide? Where? I can’t just sit and do nothing!”

***

“This is sooo not what I meant.” Buffy sat on the floor of Spike’s crypt surrounded by piles of hardcover books. Giles had driven Buffy and Spike back to the cemetery with four boxes of reading materials for her to look through.

“You set yourself up for that one luv.” Spike was decorating; he had been back and forth in the tunnels all afternoon bringing in supplies.

“Yeah well, it’s not fair; how come you get to be Mr. decorator?”

Spike grinned and turned the TV on, “Cause it’s my crypt, and Giles doesn’t trust me enough for sodding book duty.”

“How much is there for you to do anyway? Some candles and blood and its home sweet crypt.”

Spike raised an eyebrow, “You never complained before luv; ‘sides you’re the one who said you wanted it comfy.”

“Doesn’t feel comfy…” Buffy grumbled flipping through a book absently.

“That’s it!” Spike grabbed Buffy’s arm and dragged her to her feet.

“Watch it!”

He led her down the ladder to the basement of the crypt; Buffy froze, and her eyes widened. The basement had been transformed; it looked almost the same as it would in the future. The bed was back draped in black satin sheets, and candles were filtered throughout the room. A small wooden chest and a small tub were new.

“Oh…”

Spike shuffled, “Yeah well couldn’t have you sleeping on the floor again.”

She walked forward and ran her fingers along the edge of the tub. She stood before the chest and looked back at him questioningly. Spike nodded softly.

She opened the chest and let out a small gasp. Clothes…her clothes! They were folded neatly, there was bath stuff, makeup, and…

“…Mr. Gordo!”

“No one was home…day and all; my invite hasn’t been revoked yet, and I figured you might need some stuff…”

She was speechless; Spike could do all this for her, treat her like she was priceless, and he didn’t have a soul.

“Don’t get all emotional on me Slayer-I just didn’t feel like sleeping on the floor myself.”

“Ok.”

Spike’s eyes widened; she hadn’t told him to sod off, that he wasn’t sleeping in the same bed as her. Just the though of sleeping inches from her made his senses go wild.

*She’s just surprised is all; once she comes out of it you’ll be kicked to the curb as usual*

“Sides…after a few days I reckon you won’t be smelling very pretty; wouldn’t want anyone to catch wind of it.”

Buffy came out of her stupor and frowned at him. “Can’t it just be simple Spike?”

“What?”

Buffy wasn’t yelling or being sarcastic; her voice was tired and pained. “You are never either black or white; you’re both, your grey. One minute you love me…and treat me like, I’m special. The next you are defensive and all…”

“Evil?”

She was silent, and her head dropped.

“You know what I am Slayer. In all these years the demon hasn’t changed.”

“It has.” Her voice was soft but steady. “Maybe you can pretend you don’t see it, but I do. You always say it was the chip…but the only thing the chip did was stop you from killing; you changed on your own Spike. You spent a century with Drusilla killing and torturing; 5 years in Sunnydale and you are killing your own kind at the side of a Slayer.”

“’S maybe I’ve gone soft luv, or maybe I just got tired of it all. I was the ‘Big Bad’, William the Bloody; demons and vampires feared me…but why? I did it for her; it was all sodding for her. ‘N here you are confused about who I bloody well am? 5 years in Sunnydale pet, 5 years with you. Don’t you see it? You are the reason; you did this to me.”

The last words uttered were not an accusation; they seeped with sorrow and pride. She could only stand and stare at him.

“This,” he waved his hands around the room, “…means nuthin’ pet. I’m not a demon; I’m not a man, what am I Buffy? I’m yours that’s what I am! Until you dust me, or until you die; I’ll be here.”

“Why?” her face was full of confusion and pain. She didn’t understand how he could love her so completely; enough to spend a lifetime fighting by the side of a Slayer he’d sworn to kill.

“’Cause I love you; even though I’m not the ‘poof’ that should mean something. I said I’d stake Dru for you, ‘n you didn’t care. What will make you care? How about if I dust Peaches or Captain Cardboard? I would stake myself Buffy if I knew that you would care once I was gone.”

She held herself together; he was totally falling apart in front of her. He couldn’t control his emotions and kept shifting into his game face while ranting and pacing. She understood, she finally understood. The insults and the gibes he threw at her were to cover is own discomfort about her; he was scared of her reaction, scared of her rejection, so he took control of the situation and forced her to snap back at him.

“I’m not going to stake you Spike; I don’t think I ever could, just like I don’t think you could ever kill me.”

He whipped around, “I bloody hell wanted to! The first night in Sunnyhell I was going to, and then after that it was…it was like, ‘what a sodding shame, she is too much fun to kill.’ I’m a sodding idiot.”

“Maybe…” Buffy whispered taking a step closer to him. “But you’re my idiot.”

It was an odd feeling sitting alone in Spike’s crypt at night; apparently using the words “my” and “idiot” in the same sentence when talking to Spike was on that list of things not to do. He hadn’t responded, and had abruptly turned on his heal and slammed out of the crypt.

*Stupid vampire; he’s worse than Dawn*

She couldn’t figure out what his problem was; she admitted to him that he meant something to her and she wanted him, and he throws a tantrum and runs away.

“Oooh look at me; I’m the ‘Big Bad; I’m not scared of anything, except if you say something nice to me I’ll run away like a little poof.” Buffy giggled at her terrible impression of Spike, and that fact that she had referred to him as a poof. That, along with ponce, peaches, and a long list of insulting names had become easily associated with Angel. She thought it was funny.

Buffy sighed dramatically; she didn’t care anymore about getting caught, because it was starting to look like they weren’t leaving anytime soon. She’d be damned if she was going to stay locked up in the crypt for an indefinite period of time.

“If he gets to leave so do I,” she mumbled throwing on a jacket and exiting the crypt.

She knew exactly where she was going; the high school. She wanted to get a peak at her and Angel. She remembered the night in great detail and was more than curious to see it replayed again. She also knew that if Spike found her it would be a riot to watch him get worked up over the recently-returned-from-hell Angel.

She positioned herself outside near a small window attached to the utility room. She (the other her) was already battling Pete the Jekyll/Hyde science nerd.

“Naughty, naughty Slayer; shouldn’t be out ya know.”

She felt a cold hand on her should, “If the rules don’t apply to you, then they don’t apply to me either.”

Spike shrugged and took up position beside her peering into the window. He hadn’t made any comments on their earlier conversation, and she wasn’t going to bring it up. He would just run off again.

*Baby*

Buffy snorted at her internal monologue and Spike raised an eyebrow at her. “What are we watchin?”

She didn’t answer; she was too focused on the scene below. It was coming; Angel’s intervention.

“Awww…look how cute the little Slayer is…” Spike mocked. “Why are we watching…” He stopped in mid-sentence. Angel appeared feral and dangerous; he watched the scene play out ending with a crack of Pete’s neck. He was about to speak when he caught a look at Buffy’s face; she was crying.

“Buffy…” Angel’s choked voiced threatened to make Spike hurl. He watched as Angel sank to his knees wrapping his arms around the other Buffy’s stomach. The other Buffy looked to be on the verge of hysterics, and his Buffy had her face in her hands and she was shaking.

This had been the moment Angel had truly returned; Buffy’s true love come back from the dead for the first time after the infamous shag that had resurrected Angelus. He got it; why Buffy had come to relive this moment. This had been the first time something had swing the Slayer’s way; her duty had taken the poof away, and something had given him back to her.

Buffy had come here to relive probably the happiest moment in her life, and that’s when Spike got mad.

“Crazy bint!” Spike cursed and tore himself away from the window and began stalking away.

Buffy was startled with Spike’s sudden departure; she had been to busy watching the scene below her.

“Spike!” she called after him but he didn’t stop. She picked up her pace catching him by the shoulder and spinning him around. “What is your deal? Are you mental?”

“ME? I don’t get you Slayer; not that it’s anything new!” He was so angry he had shifted into his game face unknowingly.

“Did I miss something?” She hadn’t; she knew exactly what he was upset about and it made her want to laugh even more. She wasn’t crying over Angel, she had been laughing over her obvious immaturity, and once again Spike had read the entire situation wrong, and it was hilarious.

“You bloody-well did! You put the whole smooth act on in the basement, telling me I’m yours. Next bleedin’ minute you’re watching the wonderful world of Angel and Buffy crying your little Slayer eyes out. WHERE DOES THAT LEAVE ME?”

“Spike it’s been about 3 hours since we had that conversation and you left me you jerk!”

Spike wasn’t listening, he was ranting. “You sit there crying over your lost love, but you’ve got me! You’ve had me, longer than the bloody ponce, but nooo you’d rather watch re-runs of the poofter parade.”
Buffy was holding it in; she could barely contain her laughter. Spike was being ridiculous, pacing back and fort spouting out the most ridiculous one-sided argument she had ever heard.

“That’s it you know; I’ve bloody had it! Once we get back to our time I’m gone; no more Slayer’s bitch for Spike.”

Buffy pounced on him; she couldn’t take it any longer. She jumped forward and landed a solid punch to Spike’s cheek startling him out of his tirade. He fought back aggressively; too pissed off to notice she wasn’t actually trying to hurt him. Buffy ducked a high kick and countered with a wide swing of her leg catching Spike in the jaw and sending him sprawling. She didn’t hesitate but leaned forward and punched him again in the face.

The back of Spike’s head hit the ground with a thud, and Buffy jumped on him; she straddled his midsection. Grabbing his lapels she lifted him up and slammed him against the ground one last time.

Spike’s vision cleared and he could see an amused Slayer sitting above him. He didn’t get it; she was laughing at him.

“You are not leaving.”

He growled at her; still in his game face, “Why the bloody hell not?”

“Because I can’t do this without you.” She uttered it like it was the most obvious thing in the world, and he should have already known it; that his presence was a necessary factor in her life.

“Since when Slayer? What changed? You never needed me before!”

“I think maybe I did,” she stated matter of factly. Spike was confused; Buffy was chipper and positive, and not mad at him in the least.

Buffy had an epiphany; it had always been easier to deal with her feeling about Spike when she was angry at him, but she had just realized it was just as easier, and a lot more fun to do so she was laughing at him. It was just as easy to downplay the conversation laughing at him, as when she was kicking his ass from one end of town to the other.

“Look, Spike I’m not going to go all mushy again. Obviously that was a bit too much for you, and we both know that isn’t me. I don’t want you to leave, and I also want to avoid having to bring out Schizo Buffy when we’re together. Bottom-line is you are a poop-head for lack of a better word.”

“Huh?” Spike had slid out of game face and was looking at her like she was completely off her rocker.

“You are worse than Xander and Dawn combined, did you know that? You are like a little kid, I have to watch what I say or you might stomp off and hide in a corner somewhere. Or in your case stalk off and chew through someone’s neck.” Buffy took a breath, and smothered her giggles at the face Spike was making at her.

“I don’t know what I want from you Spike, all I know is I’m not ready for you to not be here. I do love Angel, probably always will, but in reality I don’t want to be with him, not anymore. I don’t need him; I don’t want him, not like that.”

“So what was that all about then?” Spike gestured towards the utility room, finally managing to speak.

“I wanted to see it again, because I knew it would be different than I remembered, and I was right. I didn’t realize until just now how immature I was; I made a lot of ignorant decisions regarding Angel. I guess I just finally realized it was never really worth it, and I found it funny how stupid I use to be.”

“Wow deep thoughts Slayer.”

Buffy smirked at him, “Yeah it happens from time to time.”

Spike was still trying to wrap his head around the fact that Buffy had been laughing hysterically at Angel and herself, not crying in despair. She had pulled a complete 360 on him going from tense and paranoid to relaxed and giggly, and boy was it hot. Spike thrust up against Buffy as she sat astride him.

“What?” Spike gave her an innocent look.

Buffy felt a rush of desire spiral through her as she stared down at Spike; he had taken her revelation in stride, and hadn’t condemned her for it. Maybe everything would be alright after all. She could feel how hard he was from her position on top of him.

*You are such a perv Buffy*

It was funny how she could go from watching herself with Angel one minute to lusting over Spike the next and not feel remotely bad about it. She was starting a new chapter in her life, and it was called “The Girl Without a Stick Up Her Ass.”

*This is going to be fun*

---

Don't hate me! Things will get hotter in the next chappy.

~*~Chapter 8~*~

“What’s put you in such a bloody chipper mood Slayer?”

Buffy grinned down at Spike and squeezed her thighs tighter against his waist, “No rules…well, not really. For the first time I’m free to just…be, with fear of repercussions. Anything I do in this time will be forgotten.”

“Like me?”

Buffy rolled her eyes at his pouty tone, “I’ll remember Spike.”

“So that’s the plan then, ‘do’ Spike?”

Buffy giggled at his dignified tone, “I was thinking more like do Spike, or Spike does Buffy; the doing isn’t limited to just you.”

“Right tease you are luv,” Spike growled grabbing Buffy by the hips and pulling her down against the erection straining against his jeans. He rolled swiftly in one motion and pinned her to the ground beneath him.

Instinctively Buffy wrapped her legs around his waist drawing him closer. Spike leaned down, letting his tongue play in circles upon the sensitive skin below her ear. She let her arms slide up his back, and dug her nails into the smooth leather of his jacket as he began to nibble softly on her skin.

“Now…Spike…now….” Her breathy moan spurred him into action. Sliding one hand between them he undid his belt and unzipped his jeans. Without deviating from his attack on Buffy’s neck he deftly undid her pants as well, pushing them down between them.

“So sweet…” Spike growled dragging his mouth to meet Buffy’s lips, and at the same moment sliding inside of her. He swallowed her moan of pleasure as he began moving within her.

Buffy arched up against him, feeling his cock slide in and out of her. “Harder!!” she gasped digging her nails deeper into his back.

Spike let out a growl as Buffy’s muscles squeezed his prick; he reared back and drove into her deeper. He slammed in her into the ground each time he slid back into her. Her eyes were closed now, and the words spewing from her lips were blurring together into unrecognizable sounds.

It was fierce and violent; she was drawing blood from his back, and he was pulling blood from her lips. It was sex, it was fucking, hard and full of pleasure, but it was nothing more.

Spike felt Buffy tense beneath him and drew out; the head of his prick dripping just outside her entrance. Her arousal was overpowering, the smell of her juices dripping onto the earth. It took all his concentration not to sink back into her.

“Spike PLEASE!” she screamed trying to pull him back inside her. He cracked, and with a roar plunged back into her warmth.

Her climax was instantaneous; her body was shaking as she came. He followed quickly; letting out another roar as he released himself into her warm body.

They lay still; Buffy’s chest heaving as she struggled to catch her breath, and Spike reveling the feeling of still being inside her.

Buffy let her head lay back against the ground and closed her eyes. His body felt good covering hers; she felt protected and wanted.

Spike pulled out of Buffy and rose to his feet stuffing himself back in his pants. He stared down at her as he buckled his belt. Her cheeks were flushed, but her breathing had slowed.

*She’s so bloody gorgeous*

Buffy was in dreamland; she didn’t know how long she’d been lying on the ground, but she did know Spike had gotten up. Goosebumps were starting to cover her skin, and she shivered. She opened her eyes and sat up, “Spike?”

He was gone.

She scooted back into her pants and struggled to her feet. He had left her; he had fucked her, and left her.

*He did to you what you always do to him*

A single tear made its way down her cheek. Is what he felt every time she left him?

*It wasn’t supposed to be like this*

She had finally let go of her inhibitions, and accepted that she wanted him, and now it seemed he was paying her back. She had wanted this to be special; the first time they could be together without her getting in the way, but somehow she had done it anyway.

*Did you think he was actually going to continue to take it?*

She had. This wasn’t meant to be a vacation fuck; she hadn’t meant this as an escape from the real world. She had wanted to be with him without feeling guilty, and somehow it had gone back to the dark place they had started in.

***

Buffy sat huddled on Giles’ couch beside Willow. She hadn’t wanted to go back to the crypt, she was too afraid of what she would find. She had slept on Giles’ couch last night, but it was obvious he wasn’t comfortable with her being there.

*You liar, you were afraid you’d actually have to fix the mess you made*

“…so I think everything should be in order within the next few days. Buffy?”

She nodded at Giles; they were going home.

“There’s just one more thing…” Giles coughed, and looked at Willow.

“Buffy, we can make it so you forget too; that you and Spike ever went back in time. Should…do you want that?”

Forget everything. That would mean going back to a place where she completely loathed Spike, and was still pissed about his little tryst with Anya. Back before she had finally figured out what she needed to do to fix her life, and be happy. Back before Spike had decided he’d had enough of her crap, back when he still loved her.

“I don’t know…I’ll think about it Ok?”

“Sure Buffy, whatever you want.” Willow got to her feet and headed for the door. Buffy sighed and stood as well, following Willow.

“Thanks for letting me crash last night Giles.”

“Buffy, you can stay tonight as well if you need to. I imagine sharing living quarters with Spike isn’t very pleasant.”

*If only you knew*

“No, I’m good,” she smiled at Giles when he looked doubtful, “honestly it’ll be fine. He needs to know we’re leaving soon.”

“Sleep well Buffy.”

Willow and Buffy made their way down the walk to the street.

“Buffy are you Ok?” Willow was staring at uneasily at her.

“No I’m really not.” The words slipped out before she could stop them. This wasn’t her Willow, this was pre-gay Willow. She wouldn’t understand.

“It’s Spike isn’t it?” Willow smiled at the shocked expression on Buffy’s face. “I’m not blind; I could see the way you two were looking at each other on the front stoop the other day. Do you love him?”

“That’s the big question isn’t it?” Buffy laughed, and Willow looked at her curiously. “Oh, it’s just you asked me the same question in my time. I guess some things never change. No, I don’t know if I do, at least not yet.”

Buffy was quiet, and the pair continued walking towards the cemetery.

“Did you have a fight?”

“You could say that. No, scratch that, we didn’t have a fight. He finally decided he wasn’t going to put up with my shit anymore, and I didn’t see it coming.”

“Wow, I’m starting to sense mopy Buffy. He broke up with you?”

Buffy looked tiredly at Willow, “In a way I guess. I mean there wasn’t really anything to break; whatever it was had already been obliterated. I took whatever it is we had and stepped on it; smooshed, shattered, smashed. That’s what I do.”

“So stop.”

She did, she stopped and turned to look at Willow.

“You obviously know what you do wrong in relationships right? And don’t try to tell me you don’t care about Spike, because we wouldn’t be having this conversation if you didn’t. So stop wrecking it, and go fix it.”

Buffy smiled at Willow, “When did you get so wise?”

“I’ll get back to you on that one.”

“It isn’t really that simple Willow; he knows when we get back to our time, nothing will have changed.”

“Why not?”

“You, Giles, Dawn, Xander…the list is long. Spike may be a part of our lives, but he still isn’t wanted. I don’t know if I can handle the backlash.”

“Maybe that’s what the problem is Buffy; he knows that, which is why he has given up. If you want this to work, maybe you need to do what is best for you, and not for the Scoobies.”

“Maybe.”

***

It was too late. She stood in at the bottom of the ladder in the basement of the crypt with her hands at her sides. Everything was gone. The black sheets, the candles, everything he had gotten for himself was gone. He’d left her the bed and the chest, and of course the books.

He was really gone.

---

A/N: Brat if you leave a review I'll e-mail you a PB Cup. :D

Time passed slowly in the wake of Spike’s absence. With nothing to do but watch TV and wait, Buffy was going crazy. She’d sit outside the window the library to overhear game plans and strategies of the Scoobies, but beyond that there was nothing; only loneliness.

An earlier version of herself (not even 2 weeks ago) would have sat and simmered. Her frustration at Spike’s disappearance would have eventually led to rage, and when he reappeared she would have most likely beat the crap out of him.

But not this Buffy; this Buffy was hurt and depressed, and she was getting sadder by the minute.

*He left me*

She had pushed him too far. He had actively taken part in their sexual escapade, and then flung it back in her face like she had done to him many times before.

*But why does it hurt so much?*

He’d been one a little over a week, and the silence in the crypt had become almost unbearable. Giles and Willow had finished the preparations for the spells, and were now only waiting for her, because she would not leave without Spike.

Giles had informed her last night that the ‘other’ Buffy had been whisked away suddenly by her mother to visit relatives. Buffy couldn’t remember that happening, but shrugged it off. At least she could patrol for a few nights.

She was worried; more worried than she should be about Spike. Taking out her frustrations on some demons or vampires would definitely help with that.

There was almost a skip to her step as she made her way through the cemetery.

*Pathetic much?*

She couldn’t get him out of her head; where had he gone? Was he coming back at all? She knew this was punishment, and was willing to accept it, if he came back.

Then it happened; a hand roughly grabbed her shoulder from behind.

*This is what you get for not paying attention*

Without hesitation she twirled and let her fist fly; crushing the nose of her assailant.

“BLOODY HELL!”

Her mouth dropped open. Spike was glaring at her, one hand cupping his battered nose.

“Ooops, Spike I’m sorry. You know not to sneak up on me!” She was nervous, and totally uncomfortable.

*Great way to apologize Buffy, next time why don’t you just knock him unconscious?*

“What? Bleedin’ hell Slayer did you just apologize? I must be drunker than I thought.”

“Though we’d gone over that,” she mumbled.

He looked at her strangely, right before she launched herself at him. Wrapping her arms around his neck and holding onto him for dear life.

“I’m an idiot Spike; I wasn’t thinking, I…”

Spike freaked; untangling Buffy from his body like she was covered in Holy Water.

“Get off me you crazy bint! Have you gone totally off your rocker?”

Buffy stared up at him from the spot he had dropped her; she realized that she’d messed up, but she didn’t deserve this. She wasn’t going cry; she couldn’t give him the satisfaction.

*Don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry…oh hell*

She was crying, over Spike. What the hell was wrong with her?

Spike made a faced and stepped away from her disgusted. “You really have lost it haven’t you?”

“I don’t understand…” she choked out between sobs.

“Well clearly I don’t either.” He paused rolling his eyes at the pathetic site on the ground. “Right then, when you’ve decided you’re done with the whole ‘Girl Interrupted’ bit you let me know. Then maybe I’ll tell you where I’ve stashed Red and the whelp.”

She stopped crying instantly.

*It can’t be*

She narrowed her eyes surveying Spike standing above her.

*This isn’t how it happened the first time!*

But something was different; his hair, something in his eyes, and he was wearing that damned red shirt. He hadn’t worn that in years.

*I just hugged, and cried in front of chip-less, and recently dumped evil Spike. I am never going to live this one down*

She sighed, and gave Spike an exasperated look as he was rummaging through his pockets. “Lemme guess, they're at the factory, but you need supplies from the magic shop so Willow can do a love spell on Dru? Am I getting warm?”

The unlit cigarette fell out of his lips. “Bloody hell, are you psychic as well as completely loony now too?”

She climbed to her feet, and dusted herself off. “Something like that.”

***

He was completely piss-ass drunk sitting on the Slayer’s doorstep. The lights were off, and everything was quiet.

“Stupid sslayer…stoopid Dru…” he slurred taking another long gulp from the bottle.

They’d made a right mess of his unlife; coming in and twisting him around their fingers like he was string.

*Well ‘m not string, ‘n ‘m not play dough either, or any kind of dough for that matter!*

He had left her; it hadn’t been planned. Her obvious amusement about his concern for their relationship had pushed him over the edge. He had thoroughly enjoyed fucking her, and thought he would get satisfaction from leaving her behind, but he hadn’t. He’d missed her, and was planning on making his comeback appearance tonight; right after he finished this bottle…or maybe the next.

After leaving Buffy he’d decided the best course of action was to leave town. If he stayed she’d find him, and beat the piss out of him. He was starting to think maybe he should have stayed, and then at least she wouldn’t have had a week to think about all the terrible things she was going to do to him.

He’d taken a page from her book; gone back to re-live one of his life changing experiences. So he’d gone to Brazil, to watch Dru break his heart. Oddly enough he hadn’t been affected by it. He remembered his feelings for Dru; how she had consumed him, and terrorized him, but it didn’t seem quite so perfect now.

He was a right git, begging her to give him another chance.

*Where’s your dignity you wanker?*

He had spent a day drinking himself into a stupor, and then made his way back to Sunnyhell…to her…again.

He dragged the bottle to his lips to drink again, and while he was trying to see through the color glass at the end of the bottle it exploded, sending glass shards everywhere.

He was in too much pain to swear; he had tiny cuts all over his face, and pieces of glass sticking out of his skin. He couldn’t see what had caused the bottle to explode, but then he heard it.

“What the hell are you doing here Spike?”

It was Angel.

---

You get skittles today Brat! :D

“Waiting for Buffy.”

Wrong answer.

Spike was dragged to his feet and tossed onto the walk. He rolled onto his back and wiped the blood from his face. Angel was standing above him; the situation wasn’t looking very good.

“From what I heard Spike, Buffy told you not to come back.”

Spike hadn’t yet grasped he was talking to Angel from the past. The three bottles of whiskey had turned his brain to mush; at this point there was no distinguishing between people in his time and people in the present.

“You bloody poof Buffy knows I’m here; we’re both sodding stuck here, at least if the stupid bint hasn’t left without me.”

Angel looked at Spike like he was completely insane. “I realize you’re drunk Spike, but Buffy would never go anywhere willingly with you. So WHERE IS SHE?”

Spike sat up waving his hands in the air. “Probably back at the bleedin’ crypt thinking of a million ways to kick my ass.” He staggered to his feet and began mumbling to himself. “Shouldn’t have sodding shagged her and left; shoulda just left her.”

Spike didn’t even realize that Angel had heard every word, and to someone not on the “in” on the current situation, it didn’t sound good.

Angel snarled, and Spike’s body hit the pavement again with a “thud”. This time he let himself willingly slip into blackness.

***

Buffy watched the other Spike light a cigarette and she felt a pang of longing looking at him.

*Bad Buffy, not your Spike*

Spike was still watching her cautiously.

“So are we going to the Magic Box or what?” Buffy wanted to get this over with. Obviously she was going to have to save Willow and Xander.

*crap*

She didn’t know if she should tell Giles or not. She could prevent the whole uncomfortable situation with Willow, Cordy, Oz and Xander if she played her cards right. What could it hurt?

“Fine by me; sooner I get out of sodding Sunnyhell the better.”

Buffy smiled slyly.

*You’ll be back*

***

“Bloody hell!”

Spike opened his eyes and looked down at himself. He was tied to a chair, in the library, surrounded by the Scoobies. Everyone was present except Buffy, Xander and Willow.

“Where are they Spike?” Angel growled at him.

“Where’s who you wanker?” He was starting to sober up and it felt like his head was splitting in two.

“Willow and Xander!”

Spike gave Giles a pained look, but Giles didn’t catch what he was trying to say. For all he knew the future Spike was still MIA.

“How the hell should I bloody know?”

Giles sighed and began cleaning his glasses. “He’s not going to volunteer anything useful; we should start searching.”

Angel punched Spike one last time and disappeared out of the room.

Giles rolled his eyes. “Although coming up with a plan first would have been practical.”

Oz and Cordy glared at Spike, but remained where they were.

“Man just give it up you can’t hurt them from here.” Oz was quiet but his tone implied he was anything but calm.

“I told you, I don’t know what the sodding hell you’re…” Spike broke off as he realized what was going on. “…bugger.” He looked frantically at Giles. “You gotta let me go Rupert.”

“Like hell!” Cordy glared at him.

“Why in the world would I do that Spike?”

“Because if I’m locked up in here…” Spike growled, “…then that means Buffy is going to run into someone else out there.”

Giles’ eyes widened as he grasped what Spike was trying to tell him.

“So you’re telling me the ‘other’ one is out there right now?”

Spike rolled his eyes. “Finally catching on huh Rupes? And yes, that’s about how this happened the first time.”

“Oh dead Lord.”

“Umm excuse me? Why are you talking to him like anything he says can be trusted? Hello, evil vampire?” Cordy stamped her foot and looked at Oz for backup; he was silent watching what was unfolding between Giles and Spike.

“She’s going to think it’s me.”

Giles stumbled to his feet. “We need to find her!”

Spike snorted. “Not going to happen; I’m…he isn’t here for her, and if it’s played out like it was before I…he will be gone by the end of the night.”

Giles began untying Spike from the chair. “That’s not what I’m concerned about. From the state she’s been in this past week she may do something stupid and change the future.”

“State? What state?” Spike stretched his arms and grinned at Cordy who hid behind Oz.

“Now isn’t the time Spike, but the situation is going to get a lot worse when Angel goes to break it up, especially if Buffy thinks the ‘other’ is you.”

Spike started laughing. “That’s what you’re worried about? How Buffy is going to treat Angel? I wouldn’t worry mate, nothing has changed on that front; ‘sides he was involved the first time around.”

Giles frowned, and than glanced at Oz and Cordy about to speak when the phone in his office started ringing.

Spike raised and eyebrow and watched as Giles went to answer it.

“Yes?”

“Giles, its Buffy…the other Buffy.”

“Oh thank God you are alright. Listen…”

“Giles be quiet and listen; Spike is here, the other Spike. He’s got Willow and Xander in the old factory, but you can’t let Cordy and Oz go look for them.”

“Why…”

“Just trust me; tell them I’ve got them and everything is cool. Make up something, some demon or something to research; I’ll bring Willow over when I’m done here. Xander is probably going to need to go to the hospital. I’ll see you soon.”

Giles stared at the phone listening to the dial tone.

“What’s going on mate?”

Spike was peering at him through the doorway.

Giles coughed, and went back into the main room. He looked at Cordy and Oz. “She’s got it under control, found Willow and Xander and will be bringing them here shortly.”

***

Buffy hung up the phone and exited the Magic Shop to join Spike outside. “Hey Spike I got an idea; why don’t you just go back to Drusilla, tie her up, and torture her till she wants you again?”

Spike looked at her queerly. “What do you know about it Slayer? Seems to me you shouldn’t be given relationship advice seeing how you sent your last boyfriend to hell.”

“Well actually…” she didn’t get the chance to the finish; Angel came storming around the corner.

“Bloody hell…”

Angel stopped abruptly. “Spike? How the hell did you get here; what did you do to Giles?”

Spike rolled his eyes. “Has everyone gone completely nutty? What ‘n the bleedin’ hell are you talking about Peaches? Guess your trip to hell left you a little short on marbles eh?”

Buffy stared at Angel. “What are you talking about Angel? He’s been with me for at least an hour.”

“Not possible, he was just tied up in the library 10 minutes ago.”

Buffy groaned; her Spike was tied up in the library. What a mess this was turning into.

Angel looked at Buffy suspiciously. “What are you doing with him?”

“He was getting ingredients to have Willow make a love spell for Dru; the quicker this gets done the quicker he’ll leave.”

Angel laughed. “Aww Spike guess Dru finally came to her senses huh?”

“What do you know? It's your fault, the both of you! She belongs with me.” Spike glared at Buffy and Angel. “I'm nothing without her.”

“Oh grow up Spike.” Buffy sighed. She did not want to replay this entire scenario again; it was bad enough the first time. This Spike was a constant reminder of what Dru had meant to her Spike, and she didn’t like it.

“Yeah, your one to talk.”

*Oh god...it doesn’t matter what I say, the conversation is still going to go the same way*

“Meaning what?” Buffy tried to put some feeling into it, but she just sounded bored.

“The last time I looked in on you two, you were fighting to the death. Now you're back making googly-eyes at each other like nothing happened. Makes me want to heave.”

“Whatever Spike.”

“Oh, yeah. You're just friends.”

Buffy looked at Angel.

*Were they even that anymore?*

“You're not friends. You'll never be friends. You'll be in love till it kills you both. You'll fight, and you'll shag, and you'll hate each other till it makes you quiver, but you'll never be friends. Love isn't brains, children, it's blood...blood screaming inside you to work its will. I may be love's bitch, but at least I’m man enough to admit it.”

Buffy remained silent. This was all too much; she couldn’t do this, not again. She turned away from Angel and Spike and stared down the street. He was there. Standing at the corner about a block down the street was her Spike; leaning against a wall watching the entire scene play out.

She took a step forward but before she could blink he was gone.

“You know what Slayer? You were right. I’m going to go back to Brazil and make Dru love me.” He growled and tossed the bag of supplies on the ground. “Thanks for the fun ducks.” With that he was off down the street with Angel and Buffy staring after him.

Angel and Buffy stood silent; Angel was watching her and Buffy was looking for her Spike. He was still here, she could sense him. He was listening, and watching.

*I’ll show him I don’t need him*

She took a step toward Angel and grabbed him by the collar and dragged his mouth to hers.

---

A/N: Kit Kat's today. :D

*Eww… Angel lips*

The thought popped into her head and she almost laughed out loud. Spike would have got it…except, well she was kissing Angel.

Angel took the lead from her and wrapped his arms around her, kissing her passionately. She got lost in the kiss for a moment; a flood of memories were overloading her brain. Then she remembered why she was kissing Angel, Spike.

Kissing Angel wasn’t unpleasant, but it was definitely lacking the “zing” it use to have. Not dwelling on the past she broke the kiss and stared up at Angel. He was looking down at her his face full of love.

*Damn it Buffy, what are you doing? Trying to break two hearts?*

She stepped back from Angel and the sound of clapping filled the empty street. She turned, and her Spike was standing not 15 feet away. His jaw was clenched and his eyes dark; he was obviously not amused.

“Nice bloody show; was all that for my benefit?”

Buffy’s face turned beet red.

*No Buffy don’t give in; you’re mad remember? HE LEFT YOU*

Angel growled and stepped towards Spike. “What is wrong with you Spike? Can’t you take the hint?”

Spike ignored him. “Not happy to see me luv? ‘N here I thought you might have been all sad I was gone…”

“You’re giving yourself too much credit Spike,” Buffy snapped.

“What the HELL is going on here?” Angel roared. “Buffy?”

“The Slayer was just using you to make me jealous, isn’t that right pet?”

Buffy clenched her fists; this was not how it was supposed to go.

*What did you think would happen idiot? They would both fall at your feet?*

“Spike you’re getting on my last nerve; she wants nothing to do with you! Get that through your head!”

Spike slid into game face. “Do something about it then Peaches, or are you all talk.”

“Spike no…” Buffy started, but was cut-off when Angel leapt at Spike. He slammed into Spike taking them both to the ground. Buffy stood and watched the fight ensue. This was because of her, because of her self-indulgent delusion that kissing Angel would make Spike realize his mistake, when all along the mistake had been hers.

The fight raged for what seemed like forever; both vampires not quitting. Finally it ended, Angel pinned Spike to the ground and pulled a stake from the back of his waistband.

“I should have done this years ago.”

Spike’s game face slipped off; his eyes challenging Angel.

“Do it then; just bloody do it.”

“What?” Angel looked baffled. Spike had given up struggling and was lying in wait.

“You heard me you me, just do it you wanker.”

There was silence, and no one moved. Buffy could barely breathe; he wanted to die. Was this because of her as well?

“No!” she yelled jumping forward and pushing Angel off from Spike.

The two vampires stared up at her and she had to fight hold the tears back.

“You can’t dust him.”

“Why?” Angel looked at her suspiciously.

“Yeah why not Slayer?” Spike was staring her down. He was clearly enraged; she could tell by the furious tick in his jaw.

“Because…” she threw her hands in the air, “I can’t deal with this shit! I have to go save Xander and Willow.” She turned on her heal and began to walk away.

“So that’s your bloody solution then?” Spike yelled after her. “You’re the one who wanted to play this sodding game Slayer, and now you’re just going to walk away?”

She didn’t turn, but stopped her voice quiet. “That’s what I do. I can kill vampires and demons, I can save the world, and I can even die, but this I can’t do.” She wiped the tears from her eyes and turned to look at them. “Don’t kill him Angel, just let him leave. Go talk to Giles…tell him I want him to explain everything to you.” With that she turned and walked away.



***

Hours later she sat alone in the cemetery leaning against a headstone lost in thought. She had “saved” Xander and Willow interrupting the very not-so-timely kiss with a very loud cough. No uncomfortable silence, no injured Cordy, just a very quiet exit. Because she was now “keeping” the secret, she wasn’t forced to explain to Xander how she got back so quickly from her trip with her mother. Let the other Buffy figure that one out.

She was so tired, and so very confused. Kissing Angel had been the stupidest thing she’d done in a long time, and the look on Spike’s face hadn’t brought her any pleasure. He was hurt, she could see it in his eyes, and he was pissed. She didn’t know what possessed her only that on instinct she thought he would realize what he was missing, and forgive her.

She laughed out loud. Right kissing Angel would make Spike forgive her for using him.

*You so need to grow up*

She knew before he made a sound that he was there. A few seconds passed and he was standing beside her, staring down at her.

“So everything’s fixed up with Red and Xander then?” His voice was low.

“Yeah.” What could she say? Apologize, again? Throw herself at his feet and tell him she was pathetic? No, she wouldn’t, that wasn’t her, and that could never be her.

“So you’re just sitting here feeling sorry for yourself?”

She frowned and looked up to glare at him. His eyes were smiling, and he raised an eyebrow at her.

“Well, no one else is going to.”

“You’re damn right about that pet.”

Silence, very awkward silence.

“I…”

“Don’t.” He lit a cigarette and stared down at her. “Don’t explain, I know why you did it, and I wish I could say I understand, but bloody Angel? Couldn’t you have at least picked the whelp?”

“He was busy being unconscious.”

They shared a smiled. Buffy groaned and slowly got to her feet. “So what are your thoughts on the former ‘Big Bad’; everything you remember?”

He chuckled. “Was a smart git even back then; pegged you and Angel didn’t I? Although…a tad pathetic where Dru is concerned; would have made things a lot simpler if I’d just said to hell with her.”

She cocked her head at him. “Yeah, and then you could have just gone back to trying to kill me, what fun.”

“Don’t tell me you didn’t love it.”

She didn’t respond, and she stared at the ground. Where was this going? Did he forgive her? Why was he being so damn nice?

“Luv, stop looking so bleedin’ sad; you’re killing me.” He stepped forward and lifted her chin. “Buffy…”

There was a flash, and a large bang the ground shook and Buffy grabbed at Spike.

“What is going on?”

He looked grim. “I think Red is sending is home.”

She looked up at him, her eyes frantic. “Don’t let go, ok?”

He squeezed her hand and pulled her close. “Never pet, never lettin’ go.”

Buffy started to get dizzy, the light was blinding and the ground was still shaking. There was a loud “WHOOSH” and everything went black.

***

Buffy was on the ground in the cemetery. She began rubbing her temple, trying to adjust to her surroundings. She remembered the flash and the shaking, and Spike….where was Spike?

She looked around; she was in the same spot she had been before the time loop, but minus Spike.

He was gone.

---

A whole bag of Jellie Bellies...because they are soooo good. :D
A/N:Although it kind of sounds like we're getting close to the end...trust me, we are far from it.

She couldn’t stop her hands from shaking.

*What if something went wrong…what if he’s still back there?*

“He can’t be…get a grip Buffy, if he got left behind, then he’s in this time now as well.” She struggled to her feet trying to calm her speeding heart.

*Everything’s ok…maybe he just ended up in a different place…*

“Spike?” She started circling the graveyard calling for him. “Spike?” There was no answer.

***

Spike opened his eyes and groaned.

*Bloody magic if it doesn’t cause a raging apocalypse you can count on it for a bleedin’ headache*

“Slayer?” He glanced around; Buffy was nowhere to be found. “Oh I see, running away again eh? Women.” He got to his feet and scrunched his face up in thought. Something just didn’t feel right.

He made his way to his crypt and shoved the door open, it was pitch black. “Buffy?” He stepped down into the darkness, pulling out his Zippo he flick it open.

The crypt was empty, the same as it had been when they had been shot back originally.

“Bloody hell.”

***

Buffy gazed around Spike’s crypt; all his things were here the TV, the chair, the fridge. It was messy, and lived in. She sighed, she was home at least. Now she just had to find Spike.

She ran all the way to Giles’ apartment. Giles would know what to do; he had the first time around. Knocking on the door he opened it with a look of surprise.

“Buffy, finished already? I take it you got the information you needed?”

She gave him a puzzled look as she walked past him into the room.

“Sorry Giles, not with you.”

“Spike…”

“OH! So you’ve seen him then?” She sighed mentally; at least he was here, in this time.

Giles gave her and odd look. “No Buffy, I thought you went to go find him, to get the information about the other Slayers.”

Buffy froze.

*It couldn’t be, not again*

“You mean…”

“Buffy did you hit your head? Or are you still feeling unwell from the incident earlier?”

She walked to the couch and sank down. “I went to find Spike to find out how he killed the other Slayers.”

“And…?”

She put her face in her hands and groaned; she looked back up at Giles tiredly. “Giles, we need to have a talk.”

***

He was out of cigarettes; he cursed and tossed the empty pack to the street. He was approaching the Magic Box when he caught her scent.

*I hope it’s my Slayer and not another junior-Buffy*

She was standing near the Magic Box staring into a store; he almost stumbled when he saw someone approach her. It was a guy, a big guy, it was…

“Oh BLOODY HELL.” Spike stopped and narrowed his eyes.

Riley.

*I am going to beat his arse into next year*

He could barely hear their conversation, but he wanted to vomit watching Riley give Buffy those puppy dog eyes.

*Him and the poof should compare notes*

He clenched his fists and had to restrain himself when he saw Buffy lay a hand on Riley’s arm.

*Wanker*

Riley said something to Buffy, and started backing away. He threw his hands in the air and turned and left Buffy staring after him.

Spike took it as his cue and sauntered down the street.

“What did the Enormous Hall Monitor want? Checking your hall pass?”

Buffy turned and her face lit up.

“Spike! What are you doing here?” She threw herself at him and he caught her dumbfounded.

“Looking for you pet.”

“Oh Spike…” Buffy pressed her lips against his and slid her tongue into his mouth. Spike ignored the voice in the back of his head telling him something was off and kissed her back. She tasted like vanilla and cinnamon.

Her hands were all over him, and he felt himself grow hard. Buffy nipped at his nose and slid out of his arms turning back to the store window.

“Look, Spike…isn’t it beautiful?”

He turned to the store window.

“I think its perfect don’t you? Although, I guess it isn’t appropriate now that you’ve seen it.”

He ran his hand through his hair and sighed. “Shoulda guessed this is where I would get sent.”

He stared at the wedding dress.

*Don’t complain you wanker, at least she isn’t trying to kill you*

***

Giles hadn’t said anything. He had listened to her whole spiel without uttering a word or changing his facial expression.

“So it didn’t work?”

“What?” Buffy stared at him.

“The spell, we did 2 years ago, it sent you here.” He took of his glasses and rubbed his eyes. “Buffy, I remember everything.”

Her eyes widened. “Wait, I thought you were going to erase our existence…Giles…what happened?”

“You were erased, but not from my memory. I was afraid something might go wrong, something like this. So I kept my memories, just in case.”

“And Willow?”

“Willow remembers nothing; she will be able to do the spell again, I wrote everything down. Not that it makes a bloody difference, obviously it wasn’t successful.”

Buffy sighed. “What do we do now?”

Giles looked up sharply. “Where’s Spike?”

“I don’t know, he wasn’t with me when I woke up in the cemetery.”

“Could he have just left you there?”

Buffy shook her head. “No, he wouldn’t do that. He…he said some things before the time thingy that I believe. He wouldn’t leave me again.”

“It’s still odd hearing you to refer to Spike in that manner.”

Buffy smiled. “Like I said a few years ago, you better get use to it.”

Giles stood, and walked toward the phone. “I’m going to give Willow a call, and get things moving. You should go look for Spike.”

She nodded and headed for the door. “I’ll find him Giles, I have to.”

***

She had played it totally calm with Giles, but inside she was a mess. She firmly believed what Spike had said about not leaving her again, and because she did she knew he wasn’t here, at least in this time.

She was trying not to think about where he could be, or how they were going to get him back. The only thing she could hope for was that he was in their time, and she was the one stuck in the past. But nothing was certain.

She weaved in and out of side streets. She felt random tinglies on the back of her neck, but none of them were Spike. She didn’t have the energy to patrol, it wasn’t her responsibility here, and God it felt good.

She made her way down the alley where The Bronze was. She could hear the music blaring as she got closer. She frowned, there was shouting at the end of the alley, and she could see the outlines of two people scuffling.

She picked up her pace and approached the two figures with a look of grim determination on her face. Then she heard it, heard him.

“…you have is you've got ties to the world... your mum, your brat kid sister, the Scoobies. They all tie you here but you're just putting off the inevitable. Sooner or later, you're gonna want it. And the second- the second- that happens you know I'll be there. I'll slip in... have myself a real good day.”

*Oh no*

“Here endeth the lesson. I just wonder if you'll like it as much as she did.”

“Get out of my sight. Now.”

“Oh... did I scare ya? You're the Slayer. Do something about it. Hit me. Come on. One good swing. You know you want to.”


Buffy cringed and slid back against the wall and into the shadows. She couldn’t be seen, she should leave, but for some reason she couldn’t force herself to go.

She watched Spike lean in to kiss the other her, and she closed her eyes.

*You were such an idiot*

“What the hell are you doing?”

“Come on. I can feel it, Slayer. You know you want to dance.”

“Say it's true. Say I do want to.” She watched herself shove Spike away, and he landed on the ground staring up at her expectantly. “It wouldn't be you, Spike. It would never be you. You're beneath me.”

The other Buffy stalked away, right towards her. She sank further back into the shadows as she passed. Buffy let her gaze wander back to Spike.

Something inside her broke and she couldn’t stop the tears from slipping from her eyes. Spike was clutching the crumpled bills in his hand and he was…crying. He looked so hurt, and broken. She had done this to him, made him vulnerable.

No wonder he had left her, after everything she had said and done to him. She choked back a sob as she recalled the rest of the night. He had come to her, and comforted her while she cried about her mother, after everything she had said. Buffy couldn’t bear to watch any longer and took off sprinting down the alley away from him.

---

A/N: Dialogue taken from Season 5 "Fool for Love" courtesy of http://www.buffyworld.com

Buffy ran; her lungs felt like they were going to burst, but still she ran.

Finally stopping she collapsed on the hard ground of the cemetery, her body overtaken with sobs. Humiliation and disgust welled up within her. She had called him the monster, but it had been her all this time.

She couldn’t get control of her emotions. She hated herself, and she hated him for taking it. When had her feelings for Spike gotten so complex? Weeks ago all he was to her was a pain in the ass. Now she couldn’t get him out of her head.

Her breath caught her in throat as a thought passed through her mind.

*When did I start feeling…living again?*

All this time in the past with Spike had robbed her of all the regret of being alive. She had forgotten about the emptiness she had been feeling since being dragged out of heaven. He had done it; he had saved her.

Despise the overwhelming emotions she felt centered on Spike the voice in the back of her head was still reprimanding her.

Spike didn’t have a soul, Spike was a murderer, Spike wanted her because she was the Slayer, Spike couldn’t love.

She was so very confused. Having these intense feelings for Spike was wrong, and she didn’t know when she had accepted the fact that she did care for him. She didn’t know if she could admit it to him. She had danced around it with him recently, but she knew he had brushed it off. Her little episode outside the high school and the one with Angel had made sure of that.

She missed him; it had been over a week since she had spent any real time with him, and it was tearing her apart. He’d been around it seemed like, almost forever. His absence left her with a strange and uncomfortable feeling she didn’t understand. Like something was missing, something that was supposed to be there.

*Loneliness*

She didn’t sense him approach, but then her was there staring down at her. His eyes were hard and piercing, and he was scowling at her. She looked up at him and her eyes filled tears once more. She watched the turmoil flitter across his face as he struggled with himself.

*He doesn’t know whether to kill me or help me*

She didn’t care at this point; neither option would clear up her confusion and pain.

“Are you hurt?” his voice was gruff.

“Always,” she whispered not trying to mask her pain.

“I didn’t…I mean…bloody hell!” Spike raked his hand through his hair obviously distraught. “Bleedin’ hell Slayer I was just doing what you asked. You’ve know who I am, and you know what I’ve done. I was just telling you what you needed to hear.”

A fresh batch of sobs consumed her. The other her had just stomped his pride into the ground and spit on it. She had managed to twist one of the most notoriously evil vampires in history into a sobbing wreck, and he was apologizing.


“Why,” sob, “are,” sniffle, “you still here?”

His gaze hardened once again. “Right then, off I go to pillage, torture and main. Have a nice life Slayer.” He turned and strode away.

“No!” she cried out desperately. “Don’t leave me again!”

***

She was holding his hand; the Vampire Slayer was holding his hand. The irony of it made him want to laugh. He didn’t know what was stranger, that a Vampire Slayer was holding hands with a vampire, or that Buffy was willingly holding hands with him.

*It’s just the spell you git*

It didn’t matter if she was under a spell or not, he was thoroughly enjoying having her stare up at him with her eyes full of love and devotion. Wasn’t like it was going to happen again, and since he was getting a second chance to relive this, he was going to enjoy it.

They were walking slowly down the sidewalk; Buffy was chattering away about wedding plans, and he couldn’t help but smile. She seemed so carefree and happy; he hadn’t seen her like this in a long time.

“…and so I was thinking the brides maids dresses should be lavender and silver, what do you think.”

He smiled at her. “Whatever you want luv.”

She pouted at him and stopped walking. “But it’s our wedding, not my wedding; I want your opinion.”

“Right then, well you know what I think? I think…” he swooped down on her as she stared up at him expectantly. Pulling her against him roughly, he devoured her lips running his tongue along the inside of her mouth. She moaned and wrapped her arms around his neck.

“Mmmm…Spike….”

He pulled away from her suddenly. “Buffy why don’t you head on back to Giles’; there’s something I want to get.”

“For me? A present? What is it? Can I have a hint?”

He chuckled at her excitement. “You’ll find out later.”

Buffy grabbed him and kissed him hard one last time before skipping off. As soon as she was out of site the smile he had plastered on his face slid away.

He couldn’t get shake the guilt he felt; him, soulless and evil, feeling guilt. It was Buffy, but it wasn’t his Buffy. The other Spike was the one deserving of all the wedding cheer, not him. He’d been through it once, and had enjoyed it the first time through. Secretly of course.

He didn’t want it if it wasn’t real; if his Buffy wasn’t the one raining down all the love, he didn’t want any part of it.

***

Giles sighed in relief as he heard the front door open and close. “Buffy…is that you? Did you get everything we need?”

“Hiya Giles, and no they didn’t have everything. I’ll go back tomorrow.”

He lay back down on the couch and put a hand over his face. Buffy started squealing and he heard a thump, and the distinct sound of kissing.

“Stop that right now! I can hear the smacking.”

The other Spike and the other Buffy stopped, and just cuddled.

“Spike, how did you beat me here? You said you had something to get?”

He frowned. “Don’t know what your talking about luv, been here with Rupert the whole time.”

“No, seriously Spike, I was just talking to you outside the Magic Box. Did you bump your head we had an entire conversation and lots of kissage.”

Spike threw Buffy off his lap and jumped to his feet. “You were out kissing another man! I’m going to bloody rip his head off!”

Giles sighed and tried to block out the sounds of the squabble. Then something Buffy said made him pause. She had been out and talked to another Spike.

*Buffy may be delusional and completely insane right now but she isn’t going to mistake Spike for someone else*

It seemed there was more than just a magic spell gone awry that they were going to have to deal with.

*Two Spikes…thank God I’m blind*

***

Giles took off his glasses and sighed. He had just finished re-explaining the whole Buffy/Spike time travel situation to Willow, for the second time. Luckily she was pretty open to the idea, and not too freaked out.

A gentle nudge within his mind made him drop his glasses. It was an odd feeling, like something pushing his way through his memories. The back of his neck began to tingle.

“Oh good Lord,” he gasped. “I know where Spike is.”

***

“What ‘n bloody hell are you talking about Slayer? ‘Leave you again?’ What’s that supposed to mean?”

Buffy wiped the tears from her face and climbed to her feet. “I didn’t mean it, you aren’t beneath me.”

His eyes widened and he looked at her skeptically. She continued not waiting for him to speak. “You won’t understand this, and you probably won’t understand me, but I need to get it out. Some things are going to happen between us, and I’m going to do some things I’m not proud of. You may not think I see how you feel about me, but I do.” She groaned, and started pacing. “This isn’t coming out right. I treat you like trash, like you are worthless, but you aren’t. And I wanted you to know that I’m sorry now, and that eventually I’ll make it up to you.”

His mouth was open and he was motionless.

*Way to go Buffy you freaked him out-he wasn’t ready to hear that, shit your Spike probably wasn’t ready to hear that*

He straightened, his expression changing. He raised an eyebrow at her cockily. “Very funny pet you almost had me there. Now totter off to your little Scoobies like a good little Slayer.”

“Spike please…”

Abruptly her body was seized by unknown hands, she struggled and watched as Spike vamped out and charged forward.

For a moment she felt like she was flying, until she slammed into a headstone and everything went dark.

---

A/N: Little snippets of dialogue taken from Season 4, "Something Blue" courtesy of www.buffyworld.com
Broccoli with melted cheddar cheese (half) is on the menu tonight.

*Oh God, my head hurts, I am never drinking again*

Buffy opened her eyes and groaned. Her head felt like it was ready to explode.

*Wait, I wasn’t drinking.*

She remembered being in the cemetery, and then Spike, and then….

*Oh, ouch the headstone*

She sat up and groaned again pressing one hand to her temple. She couldn’t see at all the room she was in was pitch black, but she did know she was sitting on an extremely comfortable bed.

*Where the hell am I?*

She let her feet slip to the floor and she stood wavering a bit. She was still a bit dizzy and the darkness wasn’t making things any easier. She took a tentative step forward and her shins slammed into something hard, and she toppled to the floor a loud explicative escaping her lips.

Then there was light.

“Slayer? Buffy?”

Her head popped up from one side of the bed, and Spike contained a chuckled at her unkempt state.

“Spike?”

He leaned against a wall and raised an eyebrow at her.

“Yeah pet, how you doing? Took a nice knock to the head back there.”

She crawled to her feet, and then sagged down on the edge of the bed.

“What happened?”

“Just a fledgling caught you by surprise is all, I took care of him and brought you here. You being all unconscious and all.”

He braced himself for a verbal attack, and was pleasantly surprised when she remained silent.

“You alright Slayer; you don’t look so good?”

“Gee thanks Spike.” She frowned at him. Something was up; he was acting too nonchalant about having her in his bed. Normally he’d be all over her.

*Get it together Buffy; this isn’t your Spike-even if it was he still wouldn’t be all over you*

“Haven’t been here in a while…”she mumbled.

“What? You haven’t been here at all you daft bint. When have you even been in my bed.”

Her eyes widened. She needed to learn to just keep her mouth shut.

*Just tell him or better, show him*

She got to her feet and crossed the room to stand inches from him.

“About what I said earlier…”

“Yeah I know you didn’t mean it right? Can’t blame it on the headstone though, that happened after you spouted all that nonsense.”

“I did mean it,” she whispered.

He shook his head in denial. “No Slayer, you didn’t mean it. Not 30 minutes earlier you were slinging nasties like no one’s business. Don’t try to tell me it didn’t mean anything.”

Her eyes stung. She had no right to be hurt, and he had ever right to not believe her. She was a different person than the girl in the alley; she was not that person anymore. It sickened her how dead she use to be inside.

When she came back from Heaven she had thought she was without feeling that it was then she was dead. Now she knew it had been before, she had never really been living. She had encased herself in denial to protect herself, and putting down Spike had been her way of shutting him out. Now she realized even then the feelings had been there, concern and maybe even more. That is why she had hurt him, not because she was offended by his words, but because she couldn’t let him know, she couldn’t let herself know.

She took a step closer. “Spike…” She rested a hand on his cheek, and watched as disbelief filled his eyes.

“I think if I can’t convince you now, then someday when it matters you won’t believe me when I say it.”

He opened his mouth to speak and she shook her head.

“I love you.”

***

The beer in his hand was getting warm, but he chugged it anyway. He was in one hell of a bloody mess. He couldn’t go to Rupert because the other Buffy and Spike were there. He didn’t know where else to go, except back to the place it had all started, the cemetery.

Leaning against the headstone he let out a sigh.

*What to do now?*

He was trying to desperately not to think about her, but it was impossible. The nagging in the pit of his stomach wouldn’t cease. He knew she was ok, but being years away from her was tearing him apart. He’d like to think she made it home, was safe and sound in her bed, but he doubted it. If he’d been sent here, who knows where she’d gone.

He knew he should still be mad at her, but that was fading. The fear in her eyes as the time loop had begun again was burned into his memory.

He threw the bottle of beer and it smashed against another headstone. “Stop being a git, she didn’t bloody mean it.”

“Don’t let go, ok?”

“Never pet, never lettin’ go.”

He wanted to be mad at her; he wanted to be able to look at her with the disgust she’d shown him many times before. But his love for her overweighed and his anger of her treatment of him. It didn’t matter what she did, he couldn’t stop loving her. He would love it her until it killed him.

“The sooner the better,” he grumbled running his hands through his hair.

When…if he saw her again he would tell her, that he was sorry, that he wouldn’t leave her, and he would stick to it this time.

***

Giles couldn’t stop pacing.

*Where is she?*

Now that he knew *where* Spike was they could proceed and try to send them home, again. He didn’t completely understand where the realization of Spike’s whereabouts had come from. The memory was blurry. All he knew was that Spike had changed something in the past which had caused his memory to be altered. He had a vague recollection of the original memory, which was now mixed with a new one.

He didn’t even care anymore. All he cared about was getting everyone in their prospective time periods. There was still the risk that Buffy had changed something, or could change something. The consequences of that would be irreversible.


***

“Wh…what?” His mouth was hanging open.

Buffy took a deep breath. “You heard me.” She was trembling.

*Oh my God, did I really just say that?*

It had come out, and she couldn’t take it back now. She didn’t even know if she wanted to. The look on his face was priceless; he was most definitely in shock. She couldn’t let him see how scared she was, or he wouldn’t believe her.

*Buffy WHAT ARE YOU DOING?*

She felt like someone had punched her in the chest. She had just told Spike she loved him. She hadn’t even realized until she said it, that she really did meant it. She loved Spike. She was still waiting for the disgust to come, but it didn’t. Some of the emptiness she had been feeling drifted away.

Something inside her snapped, and a thought popped into her head.

*You didn’t mean it, you only said it because it wasn’t your Spike, and he won’t remember*

She did mean it though, and that scared her even more. She had admitted to a past version of Spike that she loved him, and she was unsure that she could ever admit it to her Spike. She felt weak and vulnerable. She had loved Angel, Angel had been good, but Spike was evil, Spike was wrong…

*Shut up!*

Spike began shaking his head violently throwing his hands in the air. “No..no way…”

She slapped herself mentally and grabbed him by the back of the neck and dragged his face to hers. Slamming her mouth against his, she felt him soften and the tension melt away. He slipped an arm around her waist and drew her in closer.

She ground her hips against his, and moaned when she felt his tongue slide into her mouth. He tasted the same, like cigarettes and alcohol. It was so familiar and comforting.

He broke the kiss and stared down at her. “Buffy…”

“I love you.” She said it again firmly, and the corners of his mouth lifted into a smile.

“I know.”

---

A/N:Coconute iced-coffee and a warm donut from KK. :D

His fingers slid through her hair; twirling a strand around his finger he met her gaze. Cupping his cheek she brought her lips up; a shock sizzled through her body with first contact. She slid her tongue into his mouth, and he responded in kind.

*How can he taste so warm when he is so cold?*

Her fingers crawled their way up his skin sliding his shirt up and over his head in one swift motion. She broke the kiss and let her gaze drop to his chest, as she pressed her hands against his skin. He didn’t move, but let her explore. She closed her eyes and began to run her palms over his skin; feeling him like it was the first time.

*It is the first time*

She drew in a breath. This was her second chance to do everything over, and do it right; even if he wouldn’t remember it in the future. This wouldn’t make everything right, and it wouldn’t erase the pain she would eventually cause him, but it would give her hope. Hope that she could treat him like he treated her, hope that one day she could make him understand how she felt about it.

*Don’t make it about you; it’s about him. Feeling guilty isn’t the way to show him, he deserves more than your pity*

He still hadn’t spoken; he was allowing her to touch him. She knew it was he was afraid if he made a move she would shy away. She opened her eyes and took a step backward. His eyes were full of passion, and fear. He was scared of her; it almost made her laugh. This was the ‘Big Bad’, William the Bloody and being with her scared him.

She pulled her shirt over her head, unzipped her pants and let them fall to the floor. Slowly she unsnapped her bra and let it fall, and then she stopped. Taking a few steps backwards she sat on the edge of the bed, and held out her hand to him.

He hesitated, and she could see the turmoil in his eyes. He didn’t believe this was real, or she that she meant what she was offering.

*Please don’t reject me…not again*

There it was her fear of dismissal of being left behind. Despite her fierce demeanor and tough exterior she was just a girl. Twice she had been left behind without being given a choice, three times if she counted the last time Spike had left her. There was a scared little girl inside her hiding behind resilient hazel eyes.

A lifetime past in that split second of hesitation, and he made his decision.

***

“We don’t need her here Giles; according to you she wasn’t with you the last time the spell as cast. We can send her home now.”

“I know Willow, but it’s possible she is engaged in something important. Tearing her away before obviously wasn’t without its consequences, and I won’t make that mistake again. She knows what she’s doing, and I know without a doubt she is doing something now she deems is necessary.”

***

He took her hand, and pulled her up and into his arms. She relished the feel of his cold skin against hers before he settled her on the bed. He stared down at her, smoldering blue eyes taking in her nude body. His pants fell to the floor, and he slid onto the bed, covering her body with his.

His cold lips traced their way across her skin and she shivered. She let her fingers run through his hair and down his neck as he kissed her stomach.

“Buffy…luv…so sweet...” he murmured into her flesh.

His fingers brushed over the nest of curls between her legs and she let out a whimper. His blue eyes met hers and she was floored by the emotions swirling within them. He was in awe, and it made her want to cry. He slipped one finger into her warmth and she shuddered. He pulled it out and licked it, and let out a groan of pleasure.

“So warm…so bloody wet…”

“Spike…I need you…” she moaned, and he stopped his exploration. Pushing himself up he position himself above her. She pulled his head down, and captured his mouth. The kiss was fierce and aggressive. She let her hand move down between their bodies and grasped his cock in her small hand. He let out a groan as she let her fingers stroke the sensitive skin of his shaft. Parting her legs she drew him closer until his head was poised at her entrance.

She let go of him, and waited for him to make the move.

“God I love you…” he burst out, and averted his eyes from her face.

“Spike look at me,” she commanded in a firm voice. “This is me, I’m here with you.”

His breath came out with a hiss and he plunged forward sinking in to her. He let out a moan as she squeezed every inch of his cock as it slid into her. He filled her completely, and she wrapped her legs around his waist to bring him in deeper.

He moved slow and deliberate, drawing out of her inch by inch and then thrusting forcefully back into her depths. They moved together, and she kept her arms wrapped around his neck.

This is how is should have been; love and not fucking. They were together now because she could admit her feelings to him, and the passion behind the act came from love not anger.

He breathed deeply with her, not because he needed to but because they were one. The moans grew louder as the pace increased.

“Spike....ohh…god…” she held back tears as she clenched against him. This was beautiful, this was perfect.

Each time he sank back into her she felt like she could explode; the friction was ecstasy. Her nails dug into his back as she felt herself tense, and then she came with a scream.

“I love you!!”

***

“Giles, I honestly think we should just do it.”

He sighed and nodded at Willow. “Buffy didn’t indicate that there was anything serious she needed to deal with other than finding Spike, so I hope it isn’t anything other than her search for him that is keeping her. Do it Willow, send her and Spike home.”

***

Spike came with a roar emptying himself inside of her. They lay in silence, and Buffy drew his head down and kissed him softly. The feel of him hardening again inside sent a rush of moisture between her legs.

He gazed down at her, a serious and thoughtful expression in his eyes. “I know you’re not her.”

“Wh...what?” her mouth was dry and her heart began to race.

“Whatever this is, or wherever you came from, you aren’t the Buffy in the alley a few hours ago.”

“Spike…”

He silenced her with a kiss. “I don’t want to know how, or why, but I know someday I will.”

She stared at him. “Then why did you...”

"Say I loved you?" he chuckled. "At that moment I did."

She closed her eyes.

He laughed. “As much as I would like to sodding believe you realized you loved me in a matter of hours I know it isn’t possible. My Buffy is too stubborn and strong for that. Loving me would equal weakness, and she couldn’t have that pet.”

Buffy couldn’t stop the hurt from flashing through her eyes. “So who am I then Spike, if not Buffy?”

He pulled away from her, and slid to the edge of the bed. “Oh, you’re the Slayer, but you’re not my Slayer.”

“So you could never love me like this then?”

“I love her because she is strong, and because she doesn’t need me, not because she does. The Slayer I know would never willingly hop into my bed without a soddin’ apocalypse on her heels.”

Buffy narrowed her eyes. “Remember you said that Spike, because some day, you are going to wish you could have this moment back.”

“Is that what this is about luv? Feelin’ guilty about what you’ve done to your bed toy?” He let out a snort.

The pain in her gut was so intense she wanted to vomit. This hadn’t been about her guilt had it? She had wanted to give him something back, something she had never been able to give him before and it had turned around and bit her in the ass. He had used her, like she would eventually use him.

She stood pulling the sheet off the bed with her. “Think of this of payback Spike, because some day I’m going to make you wish you had never loved me.”

He growled at her. “Is that a threat Slayer?”

She wiped the tears from her eyes. “No, it’s a fact.”

***

Spike had passed out; or at least that he thought he had. Staring at the headstones in the cemetery was altering his sense of time; he could have been there hours, or even minutes. He couldn’t tell anymore.

Then it was there, the flashing light, and the rumbling as the earth began to shake. “’Bout bloody time!” he yelled at the empty cemetery. Closing his eyes he prepared for the storm. “Bring it on you bleedin’ wankers!” he screamed as his vision began to blur, the cemetery shimmering into blackness.

He didn’t pass out, not this time; at least he didn’t think so. The blackness shifted back into the cemetery like no time had past. He scrambled to his feet.

“SLAYER?” he roared whipping his head around frantically. She had to be here.

He heard a groan, and a curse from behind the headstone he had been leaning against. Her blonde head popped up, and she stared at him. Her eyes were red and swollen as if she had been crying.

“Spike…?” she sounded hesitant.

“Bloody right pet.” He moved around the headstone towards her and froze. His eyes narrowed and his gaze hardened. “Been busy I see,” he spat staring down at her.

Buffy’s eyes widened and she glanced down at herself in shock. She was still naked.

---

A/N:You can have the rest of the m&ms i'm feeling a bit sick :D

The laughter and the tears came simultaneously.

I love you.

An apocalyptic phrase if ever she’d uttered one. It wasn’t just the meaning behind the words; it was that they had sprung from her lips.

Cry a bit more, tears won’t wash anything clean.

Those eyes were the identical; cold and full of blame. Blame for what? Blame for love, for guilt, for being a weaker version of herself; blame for giving in, blame for just being her. Years had just passed in mere moments, but he unchanged. There was no doubt it was him, but this adventure had left him the same while she had become this.

Whimpering, hysterical, weak.

It didn’t matter now; the line between the vicious and caring Spikes was not blurred, it was gone. The foundation of Spike had been constant for years, only his perception of her had been altered. This journey had been about her all the time and she had gained nothing.

She didn’t try to cover her nudity. The state she was in was penance for trying to fix what hadn’t needed to be. Love was not sex; he’d never been fooled by her before, and it hadn’t been any different in her attempt in the past.

She looked up and didn’t speak. Would it matter she had fucked him? Or was it trivial who it was, just that it was.

“Let him assume the worst,” her mind screamed. “There is no more damage that can be caused; just add one more notch to the list of wounds you’ve already inflicted upon him.”

He’ll go again, and she would get what she deserved.

But he didn’t go.

His arms held her while she cried; it was wrong of her to hope through her grief that there was forgiveness, but there was hope nonetheless.

Time ticked away, and her sobs subsided. She was wrapped up in his arms, her body completely still. She was too afraid if she moved, he would remember that he didn’t want to be holding her.

*Sound a little familiar*

This is how he had felt, every moment with her. That at some point she would remember that she hated him, remember the disgust and shove him away.

*I don’t even know who you are anymore*

At some point they moved, and he wrapped her in his duster and lifted her into his arms. He didn’t ask again, and she didn’t explain.

“Are we home?” she whispered against his chest.

“Dunno’ Slayer.”

There is was again, the reminder of why she treated him the way she did. It was almost an insult coming from his lips. Not luv, pet, sweetheart, or even Buffy, but Slayer.

His crypt was furnished, but no one was there. Everything was exactly the same as he had left it, days, years, minutes before? They had both been too consumed with trying to get home, they didn’t think of the consequences of when they actually returned.

Wrapped in a blanket she sat in the comfy chair in front of the TV. She wouldn’t let him take her downstairs…

*Oh God what have I done?*

He leaned against a pillar, cigarette hanging from his lips.

“Do you remember?” She couldn’t bare it if he remembered; it would have been a year earlier. If Giles had left out the memory adjustment spell he would remember it all.

“Remember what?”

He didn’t remember her in that weak state, that blubbering, soulful state of mind where she had professed her love. If he remembered then he wouldn’t love her anymore. He had said it.

“…loving me would equal weakness, and she couldn’t have that… I love her because she is strong, and because she doesn’t need me, not because she does.”

She had always thought it was what he had most wanted to hear; that he was right, she did love him. But it was obvious now he loved her because she wouldn’t lower herself to that level. That being strong and full of light meant not giving in to temptations from the dark. He loved her because she couldn’t love him back, and that made her better than him, worthy.

Following her train of thought, and ignoring his question she let her heart stumble forward.

“Do you still love me?”

He hesitated, and she almost wept.

“I told you I’d love you until I was dust; meant every word.”

“Even like this?” She pulled open the blanket revealing her naked body; blatantly exposing her alleged deceit.

“I tried to leave you, I tried to show you I could bloody well be with out you, but here I am. I’m nothing without you, and nothing you could ever do could make me leave you again.”

Her heart sobbed; she should be happy that his love was as strong as ever, but he was broken. Seeing her like this, assuming she fallen in to the arms of another man, it broke him. He accepted her actions, as terrible as he thought they were because he couldn’t let her go. He would get mad, he would stalk away, but he could never truly leave no matter what she did.

“It was you.”

His forehead crinkled as he tried to understand what she meant. “I don’t get it Slayer; what was me?”

“I was with you, in the past.”

His fists clenched. “Had an itch you needed scratched eh’? No cares for what it could have sodding done to the future?”

He was angry that she had slept with him.

*I can’t win this can I?*

This wasn’t the time to be weak, or cry, or even to get mad and hurt him a bit. This was her shining moment; what her escapades in the past had prepared her for.

*And somehow I’m not comforted by that.*

“I gave him what I haven’t been able to give you.”

Spike snorted. “I’ve tasted every inch of you Slayer, and there is nothing-“ he let his gaze drop to the juncture of her legs, “-that you haven’t given me.”

*That’s what you think*

“Love.”

***

The emptiness that consumed the town was quiet, and eerie. A town once alive with energy and voices was quiet. Sunnydale was no more; without its people, and even its demons, it was just the Hellmouth.

Those who remained did so with a purpose, preparing for the inevitable dawning of the following day. Only the bright light of two dwellings remained shining, 1630 Revello Drive, and a small crypt in Restfield Cemetery.

---

A/N: Potato skins with lots of cheese and bacon and sour cream. (cause thats what I want)

“Love? Maybe that’s what you call it Slayer.”

Her courage has dissipated. He was spiteful and angry, and maybe it had registered that she’d basically just admitted that she loved him, but he was past the point where is even made sense.

“You went back in the past and had a nice shag with me because I was going to be your bed toy anymore.”

*Bed toy…that’s what he’d called himself in the past*

“It hasn’t has never been love that’s driven you to me, we both know it.” His mocking smile left cold chills in its wake. “Is that what you told him it was, bleedin’ love? Were you tryin’ to make amends by offerin’ yourself? He took it by the looks of you, and then shoved in back in your pretty face.”

He didn’t sound remorseful or surprised by the actions of his previous self. His conscious appreciation of the satisfaction the other had taken by turning her words against her cause the hair on her arms to stand up. He wasn’t infuriated because had given herself to him, his anger stemmed from her attempt to make reparation by using sex to lull him into a state of awe.

She had seen the admiration upon the other Spike’s face as he was buried in her warmth. She was so thick-headed; try as she might to make him understand, all she had succeeded in doing was showing him she could be beaten.

“He told me he could never love this version of me. Knowing from the start that I wasn’t the Buffy from his time made no difference. I think for a few moments he actually did believe I was her, and he enjoyed it; for a moment he loved me. He said he could never love a weak Buffy, and that he loved her because she was strong. She didn’t want him, would never give in which would equal giving up, and would never be pathetic enough to love him.”

There was nothing left to lose, and nothing that could make the situation any worse. She was admitting her love for a vampire who she had spent years disparaging and trying unsuccessfully to kill. The basis for her entire existence was a mockery because of the three tiny words she wanted to utter to him. She could hardly grasp it herself that this was about to happen.

Angel had been a vampire, and admitting her love for him had been difficult at first. The adjustment to her love for her enemy was lessened considering Angel had a soul; his purpose was no longer death and destruction, but peace and salvation. She never despised Angel for his past indiscretions because she had viewed him as a separate entity from Angelus.

She saw now that the division of Angelus and Angel was a weakness; his delusion that the alter-ego was not him was ignorance. Spike had no soul, and had evolved into a demon who could independently make the decision to do good. Chip or no chip he was never Angelus; his appreciation for life was evident in his truce to preserve the world with her so many years before.

“I never realized it till just now what and who you are. Not so long ago I told you that you were a monster not a man, but I was wrong, you are both. You are a man with a monster inside you all of the time, but you choose not to act upon its desires.” She shook her head, and laughed. “I always though admitting my feelings for you would make me seem weak and wrong. I just never knew you felt the same way. I know now how stupid and inconsiderate I’ve been, and it doesn’t make things right. One ‘I love you’ doesn’t change years of abuse, just like saving one life doesn’t make up for years of torture and death.”

She stood and tossed his duster to the floor; she didn’t shy away from her nakedness but flaunted it in desperation. “So here I am Spike, vulnerable and unwilling to hide anymore. It can’t get any worse. I’ve already died twice, killed one boyfriend, and pushed away two others. I’ve let my friends down, and I’ve been selfish. There is nothing left for me to hide from. If you can’t love me like this, then don’t love me at all.”

The ultimatum had been issued; freedom was at last at his fingertips. No more Slayer, no more pain and longing. He could walk away now and she would let him go, and he would have finally won. Leaving her exposed and humiliated would be his ultimate conquest. Even death was not parallel to this. She would live her life knowing he left her behind because she was inadequate, unlovable.

“I do love you strength, and it still bloody amazes me how you always bounce back. But weak Slayer? Never weak; you are greater because of this, and I was sodding brainless to ever let you think otherwise.” His steps forward were slow and deliberate; all his displeasure forgotten. “You’ve given up everything to show me who you really are, and although I’ll never bloody understand why, you love me.” The last words were uttered in disbelief. He said them, but it still didn’t sound real. The Slayer loved him.

“Buffy-“

“Spike-“

It was the paramount movie moment; they came together en masse. She could almost hear the epic soundtrack seeping into the moment as enveloped her in his arms. It was finally time; no holds barred. There was no disgrace or worry, just emotion.

Lips, tongues, skin, heat; they were no longer two people enjoying each other, they were one. The franticness always present in their intimacy was no longer an issue; they had each other, and nothing but time.

Slick with sweat they moved together, their moans of pleasure echoing throughout the crypt. The bond of their gaze never faltered; each time in plunged into the sweet warmth her eyes glowed brighter.

“Buffy…love…”

“Fill me Spike…make me whole again…”

***
The seriousness radiated throughout the room; the fear of defeat loomed over the heads of all present in the room. So much loss had already been accumulated over the years, and even though it seemed the future was doomed the air was calm.

“So here's the part where you make a choice: What if you could have that power...now? In every generation, one slayer is born... because a bunch of men who died thousands of years ago made up that rule. They were powerful men. This woman is more powerful than all of them combined. So I say we change the rule. I say my power should be our power. Tomorrow, Willow will use the essence of the scythe to change our destiny.”

---

A/N: Dialogue taken from S7-Chosen

CHEESECAKE...mmmmmmmmmmm

Her fingertips traced his cold pale skin. She pressed light feathery kisses to his stomach. Her tongue flicked his navel, and he shuddered. She moved lower, and laid her head on his pelvis. Parting her lips she blew a hot breath against his cock and smiled when it twitched in response.

Her tongue darted out laying soft wet marks on his hard skin. He groaned, and his finger splayed in her hair. Closing her eyes she breathed in his scent, and felt another wave of wetness build between her legs. She glanced up at Spike when he let out a mild growl; he smell her arousal, and he surveyed her with hungry eyes. The corner of her mouth lifted into a small smile, and she licked her lips provokingly.

Dipping her head down she let her hair glide across his skin, her hand slid down over his stomach and her fingers wrapped around his smooth skin. His prick jumped her hand, and she squeezed back in a silent hello. Lightly she let her hand slide up his shaft, her warm skin barely touching his, and she could feel him quiver. Her tongue traced drew a moist line from the base of his cock up to the head. Spike reached down and pushed her hair to the side, tucking it behind her ear.

“So bleedin’ beautiful,” he murmured.

Her hand slid back down to the base of his cock, and she parted her lips, taking position above his dripping head. She took one last long look at Spike’s passion filled face, and plunged forward with reckless abandonment. Letting a long stream of air out her nose, she let her mouth glide down his prick. His hardness filled her mouth, and she swallowed as his head hit the back of her throat.


The tips of her fingers aggressively squeezed the base of his cock moving up and down on the bare skin still exposed to the air. Pulling her head back up she let her teeth slide gently against his sensitive skin and she heard him draw in a quick breath.

Drawing her mouth open wider she slammed back down on him, ignoring the impulsion to gag. Her mouth sucked against his hardness as it moved up and down with vigorous thrusts. If she could have smiled, she would have at the sound of the breathless gasps escaping his lips. Not needing to breath didn’t stop him from letting her know how much pleasure she was giving him.

She felt his body tense between his touch, and she knew he was trying to hold back. In one long motion she slid her mouth up his cock and sat straight up, licking her lips. A low rumbled sound from his lips and he dragged her up his body settling her poised above his shaft. Her thighs spread; she hovered centimeters above his pulsing cock. He squeezed her hips, and she smiled seductively at him. Drawing hand down between her breasts she let it dip down below her stomach. Her fingers slid through her curls, and pressed into her soaked lips. He snarled and pulled her down penetrating her with one thrust.

Her eyes flew open and she moaned. She began to grind against him, squeezing every inch of his throbbing cock. She sat up wrapping his arms around her waist pulling her down harder, and him in deeper. His lips inched their way down her neck, leaving a moist trail on her skin. She clasped his shoulders and hauled him closer.

“Bite me,” she breathed into his ear, and he stilled.

“No.”

She continued to move against his prick, but drew back and met his intense stare.

“Bite me Spike.”

“No luv won’t do that,” she heard the anguish in his voice and knew how much of a struggle it was for him to refuse her offer.

“I trust you.”

He faltered; and she saw specks of gold flicker through his eyes.

“I love you Spike.”

His features slid into his game face, and she smiled. Taking one hand from his shoulder she laid her hand on one side of his face. His eyes told her he was still unsure, and she leaned forward and pressed a soft kiss to his bumpy forehead.

She closed her eyes and beared-down on his cock, and he let out another growl. She felt the cool skin of his face against her neck as he nuzzled her. Tilting her head to the side she moved against him, emitting small whimpers of pleasure. He began pressing light kisses to her neck, and she bit her lip as she battled not to tense up.

She was terrified; although Dracula’s bite hadn’t been completely unpleasant she knew it was because of the thrall. But Angel…Angel had not been gentle as he had sucked the life from her. She remembered the pain, and the fear as her body had slowly begun to die.

She believed fully that Spike would not hurt her, that this could be an act of pleasure and not just pain. But the Slayer inside her was screaming how wrong it was. In one quick motion Spike thrust up into her, and his fangs sank into her neck.

Her orgasm was instantaneous; the pain melted into pleasure and her body jerked as licked the blood from her neck. He drank softly, and she moaned. Spike lifted his head from her neck and let out a roar as his seed shot into her body. Wrapping her arms around his neck she drew him to her. He laid his head on her shoulder, and licked the wound on her soft skin clean.

He rubbed the back of her head gently as he could feel her entire body shaking. Pulling his head up he glanced worriedly down at her head which was pressed into his shoulder.

“Buffy, luv I’m sorry.” She felt the pain in his voice and lifted her head. Although her eyes were full of tears a bright smiled graced her face.

“That was beautiful,” she whispered.
“Oh luv…” he murmured and kissed her softly. He rolled suddenly, pinning her beneath him.

“Tell me you love me.” His voice was raw with emotion as he stared down at her flushed face.

“I love you.”

“Tell me you want me.”

“I always want you, silly vampire.”

He grinned at her, and raised an eyebrow. “Don’t get cheeky.”

Her laugh echoed throughout the crypt and she squirmed beneath him.

“My legs are falling asleep.”

“Can’t have that now can we?” He rolled to the side, and she sat up and looked down at him, his head resting on his hand.

“Do you think we’re home?”

He sighed. “’S’ probably better if we don’t assume that; bloody Rupert and the witch buggered it up before.”

“Where did you get sent?”

His mouth lifted in a smile, and his tongue peaked out from between his teeth. “Got to see the look on Captain Cardboard’s face when you told him you were getting married to me.”

Her mouth opened in a small O, and he laughed at her face.

“S’ too bad he didn’t know who I was then, would have been all the more fun. What about you pet?”

Her face fell. “Somewhere not so nice.”

“I was there, couldn’t have been too bad.”

She avoided his curious eyes. “I don’t know want to talk about it; it was bad enough the first two times I had to live through it.”

“Come on now Slayer, fairs fair; I told you.”

“Last year, when you showed me how you killed the other Slayers.”

His face tightened, and she scooted away from him and began to put her clothes back on. “I was…I didn’t know…” she was babbling, and doing her best not to look at him.

She felt his presence behind her, and his arms slid around her waist.

“That’s why it’s the past luv, over and done with. Not meant to go back and relive it.”

She whipped around. “You never deserved that; was I really that terrible? God…and you are still here after what I said.”

He smoothed her hair back. “Don’t pet, I’m the ‘Big Bad’ remember? Don’t get that name from being all soft.”

He felt her body relax. “We should go and figure out where the bloody hell we are luv.”

“OK.” Her voice was soft, and he could tell she was still thinking about what had happened in the past. He let her go, and began putting his clothes on.

“It’ll be fine pet,” and she knew he meant more than just their chaotic trip through time.

***

“Where is everyone,” Buffy had her faced pressed against the window and was peering into the foray.

“Looks like everyone’s asleep pet.”

“Yeah, well we’re going in.”

“Slayer…”

“Oh shut up Spike, if we’re home then it won’t matter, and if we’re in the wrong time…I’ll just make something up, pretend I’m the other Buffy.”

He shrugged. “Whatever you say.”

They slipped through the front door, and Buffy froze. There were girls in sleeping bags scattered all over the living room.

“This isn’t right,” she looked at him with worried eyes.

They reached the top of the stairs, and paused outside Willow and Tara’s room. They could hear the moans, and Buffy blushed.

“Seems like everything’s normal in there,” Spike snorted.

Buffy slapped him playfully on the arm, and moved to her room. She cracked the door open and stifled a gasp.

“Faith,” she whispered her eyes going wide. “Spike…I don’t like this.”

He peered in the door and raised an eyebrow. “If their shagging in your bed, where are you?’

She shook her head vehemently. “We shouldn’t be here…shouldn’t be seeing this.”

Spike had the same suspicion as Buffy, but wasn’t ready to voice it yet. The padded quietly down the stairs. “Where else is there left to look luv?”

Buffy turned, and stopped in front of the door leading to the basement.

The basement was dark, and quiet. Buffy almost breathed a sigh of relief when Spike stopped suddenly on the stairs, and she ran into him.

“What?” she hissed.

He didn’t respond.

Buffy ducked her head, and peered under the slant of the ceiling from the steps.

“Oh.”

It was them.

---

A/N: Jello Jigglers...just cause they are so fun!!

They were caught.

Unable to tear their gazes away from the living picture of themselves snuggled together on the small cot, they stood and stared. They continued to stare, until the step that Buffy was standing on let out a creak which echoed throughout the dim basement. The other Spike’s eyes snapped open and sought them out. Buffy watched as his grip on the other Buffy tightened, and then her eyes flew open as well.

No one moved.

The uncomfortable silence stretched for what seemed like hours. Then Buffy shifted, and the stair creaked again breaking the moment. The pair on the cot jumped to their feet to stare at each other. Something was spoken neither Buffy nor Spike could make it out, and the other Spike’s laugh filled the room. Buffy’s mouth dropped open as her counterpart launched herself into her Spike’s arms. Buffy blushed and turned her head away as they kissed, and she felt Spike’s hand on her arm as he grinned down at her.

“Come on luv,” he whispered and they made their way down the stairs. Buffy and Spike faced their replicas and a group examination began.

The appearance of her other disturbed her; she was thin, much thinner than herself. Dark shadows graced her pale skin; obviously things were tough in this time, and Buffy wasn’t sure she wanted to know what. There was a gleam in the other Buffy’s eyes that gave her hope. Despite the obvious stress that consumer her, the green eyes shown with happiness.

She let her eyes wander over to the other Spike. He looked good, very content and almost…peaceful. There was something…she couldn’t quite place what is was, that was different about him. It was evident not only in his eyes but in his stance.

“I…” Buffy started.

“Spike—“

“I’ll go wake Rupert.”

The other Buffy smiled comfortingly at the pair as the other Spike bounded up the stairs. “Where are you from?” she asked gently, but Buffy’s curiosity was piqued by the amusement in her double’s eyes.

Buffy explained quickly their ordeal, and the other Buffy was still smiling when she finished.

“Where are we?” Spike asked.

The other smiled. “It’s probably better if you don’t know; God knows we don’t want to mess anything up. Giles is going to have a fit as it is.” The Buffy’s grinned unexpectedly at each other in a knowing way.

Buffy felt Spike’s fingers slide through hers, and he squeezed her hand. She squeezed back, and the other Buffy’s smile grew.

“Let’s go upstairs.”

***

There was only a small group of them gathered around the kitchen table; Giles, Willow, the other Buffy and Spike, and them. A few small candles were lit, but for the most part everything was shrouded in darkness.

Buffy almost giggled, as Giles cleaned his glasses. Obviously something things never changed.

“I honestly am at a loss for words; I thought we had put this time travel mess behind us.” He sighed.

“I don’t want to state the obvious, but I’m guessing we’re in the future. Which is probably why we don’t remember any of this? So, we have to make it back to our time right? Because otherwise we wouldn’t exist in this time, we’d still be floating around in the past?” Buffy made her statement a question and glanced around for someone to answer.

“Better be the last bloody time Rupert,” Spike mumbled.

The other Buffy and Spike burst out laughing, and everyone stared at them curiously.

“Nothing, inside joke,” she mumbled, but their eyes met again and they both smiled.

“So you can send us back right? You kept the spell from the last time right?” Buffy was anxious. Being in this time made her nervous; there was something not right with the whole situation. The air was heavy with tension despite the light mood of the couple in front of her. Something big was about to happen, even if she was from the past she could feel it.

“Willow?” the other Buffy’s eyes prodded the witch gently, and Willow nodded in response. “We’ve got everything here.”

“Right then, and how is this going to be different from the last two sodding times?”

“I think that we made an error assuming the spell could be done from anywhere.” Willow paused at the confused expressions. “I mean, we did it, and we weren’t with you. I did the spell the first two times, and you two were somewhere else…right?” She looked at Giles for conformation.

He nodded. “I think perhaps the closer proximity you are to the origin of the spell, the better chance you will return to your own time.”

“Right then, lets go this show on the road ducks,” Spike directed his comment to Willow.

Giles and Willow left the room, but paused in the hallway.

“They need to forget Willow.”

Her eyes widened. “Wait, forget everything? But Giles…”

“They can’t know the future Willow.” He voice was solid and tough.

“But who knows what they went through in the past? I don’t think its fair…”

“We don’t have another option Willow; we need to set this straight once and for all.”

Willow’s eyes gleamed as Giles walked away.

*Oh, but maybe there is another way*

Behind the edge of the doorframe Buffy frowned.

***

They were back in the basement. Spike and Buffy stood side by side in the middle of a chalk drawn circle on the floor. Spike raised an eyebrow at Willow.

She caught his look. “It’s just for protection, wasn’t part of the original spell.”

Buffy hadn’t let go of Spike’s had, and was squeezing it painfully hard now.

“Ease up Slayer, M’ not going anywhere.” He grinned down at her.

“Spike, just in case…”

He silenced her with a kiss, and broke away from her when someone coughed. “We’ll be alright luv, we’ll be back together and everything will be alright.”

She leaned close and whispered hurriedly in his ear as Willow began to chant. “No matter what they do, I won’t forget Spike, I promise, I won’t forget that I love you.”

His eyes widened in understanding, and he dragged her body to his.

“Qui futurus in a regnum incompertus sibimet,
Tribuo lemma pacis of mens quod permissum lemma reverto,
Unus somes , unus mens una vices
Permissum monumentum exsisto tamen somnium
dea tribuo lemma templum.”

Willow’s eyes went dark and the ground began to shake. Buffy closed her eyes and pressed her head into Spike’s chest. “I love you, I love you, I love you…” she whispered over and over again.

She had heard Giles and Willow talking about making them forget, and she couldn’t believe they would do that. She was terrified she’d go back to being in denial, and treating Spike like garbage. She had learned so much about herself during the time spent in the past, and the possibility of not remembering the moments they had shared, it scared her.

She continued to repeat words in hopes she would still be repeating them in her own time.

“I love you-“ she exhaled and the bright light consumed them both, and then she saw only darkness. Her last conscious action was to flinch as the loud “BANG” echoed through her mind.

---

A/N: A whole bag of PB cups, I know you want them :D

Once a dream did weave a shade
O’er my Angel-guarded bed,
That an emmet lost its way
Where on grass methought I lay.

Troubled, ‘wilder’d, and forlorn,
Dark, benighted, travel-worn,
Over many a tangled spray,
All heart-broke I heard her say:

‘O, my children! Do they cry?
Do they hear their father sigh?
Now they look abroad to see:
Now return to weep for me.’

Pitying, I dropp’d a tear;
But I saw a glow-worm near,
Who replied: ‘What wailing wight
Calls the watchman of the night?

‘I am set to light the ground,
While the beetle goes his round:
Follow now the beetle’s hum;
Little wandered, hie thee home.’
-William Blake-A Dream

*Oh God, they’ve teleported us to a dimension where nothing exists*

She was too frightened to move; darkness surrounded her, and threatened to suffocate her. She couldn’t tell if her eyes were open, or still closed. Then abruptly as the fear had come it vanished; she was lying on a bed. She sat up and clutched her head, swallowing back a wave of dizziness. She fumbled in the darkness, and then suddenly, light flooded the room. She sighed and slouched back onto the bed staring at the lamp beside her bed.

She slowly got to her feet, and her body began to quake uncontrollably. She clutched her head again and keeled over as the floor beneath her became unsteady. She fell to her knees and began to cry.

She remembered the cemetery, the trio and the flashy light thingy, but instead vivid memories of her and Spike’s trip through time she recalled herself beating the crap out of the trio, ending with Andrew and Jonathan in jail and Warren on the loose. She had come home and gone straight to bed.

She cried harder.

The incident, with Spike…it had all been a dream. The past situations, the turmoil and grief and even the glimpse into the future were fading. She had told him she loved him, and that wasn’t real either.

It was a sharp blow to the pit of her stomach; bitter disappointment weighed her down.

*None of it had been real*

The thought continued to echo her mind. She didn’t understand, they’d been gone weeks, there was no way it was just a dream. At the same time she knew, without a doubt it had been a dream. The details of their adventure were beginning to blur, and although she could recall most of the major events, the smaller things were beginning to evaporate.

She wanted to crawl back between her sheets and try to capture and strands still left of the dream. All that time wishing they were back home, and now all she wanted to do was submerge herself back into that world.

Hugging her knees she tried to calm her tears, but thinking about Spike…just made her cry harder. All the ground they’d covered, wiped away. She had dreamed about saying those words to him, and she had even dreamed treating him like crap. It was almost funny, but not quite.

She pushed back against the bed propping herself up, and then settling on the edge. How could she face him now? What would she say?

*Do I still love him?*

That was a good question.

***

He was drunk; no he was more than drunk he was…

“Bloody hell!”

There was a shattering as he threw the empty bottle of whiskey against the wall.

His dreams were plaguing him; couldn’t get the sodding bitch out of his head, even when he was fast asleep. So he did what he always did, he drank the memories away.

This dream had hit him hard; though he always dreamed about her, this one had been different. His usual dreams put to shame most of the porn making its way across the Internet; always about her, always about sex. He just always assumed he only dreamed about fucking her because he knew that’s all it would ever be between them; he was always thankful they were that way. It was easier waking up from a night of raunchy shagging than to the bitter reality that those heart-warming fantasies were just that, fantasies.

This dream…bloody hell. He shivered, and unscrewed the cap to a full bottle of Jack Daniels and took a deep swallow.

She had been so warm, so…so different from any resemblance of the Buffy he knew. This was the dream he had always dreaded having; the one that gave him hope, and shattered his will completely upon awakening.

He wiped tears from his eyes that had begun to build and swore.

*Wanker*

The real world wasn’t sugar-coated. Buffy despised him, and wanted basically nothing to do with him, not anymore. He stood and began pacing, and a thought hit him.

*Maybe this is what you needed mate, a wakeup call*

He knew nothing would ever change between him and Buffy; at their best moments, the pair were still terrible to each other. Maybe getting past the denial was the first step, and the second would be to leave, for good.

***

Leaning over the tub Buffy sighed. She was so tired; her body was weary and her mind… Just the thought of seeing Spike again made her heart leap, but at the same time made her want to curl up in a ball and cry. He would be the same, cruel and spiteful vampire he had been a few hours earlier.
The water began to spurt out and she let one hand test the temperature before letting out another long sigh.

“You hurt? You're not moving so well.”

She stiffened instantly.

*Oh God, what was he doing here now, in her bathroom?*

Straightening she adjusted her expression, shifting into one of calm indifference and turned to face him.

“Get out.”

*God, be more of a bitch why don’t you?*

Spike ignored her and stepped in the small room, closing the door behind him.

“We have to talk.”

Buffy’s shield of disdain almost crumbled as she stared at him, almost. She swallowed back the desire and longing and looked away. “I really don’t.”

“Well, this isn't just about you...as much you'd like it to be.” His tone was condescending.

She leaned back over the tub squeezing her eyes shut try to push the tears back. It was so hard, looking at him, and knowing he wasn’t the same man from her dream. She wanted to run to him, apologize, and just make everything ok. But this was the real world, and that, would never happen.

“You spoke. I listened. Now leave.” She couldn’t take it; his presence tickled her senses, and she was anything but calm. She hadn’t been ready to face him so soon.

*Face him? It was a DREAM you idiot*

“I'm sorry. Not that it matters any more, but I needed you to know that.”

*Sorry for sleeping with Anya, sorry for not telling you everyday how perfect you are, sorry for pushing you away, sorry for not being able to be the man you deserve.*

The remnants of his dream lingered in the back of his mind as he watched her. When he had entered the bathroom, and she hadn’t physically thrown him out there was a spark of hope. Maybe…just maybe it had been real; maybe…maybe she did love him. But this girl in front of him was cold and angry; this was no dream, this was life.

“Why?” Her voice was soft, and she tried to conceal the desperation in it.

“Because I care about you.”

“Then you might want to try the not sleeping with my friends.” She mentally slapped herself as soon as the words came out; the strands of bitterness from his betrayal still lingered in her mind. She hadn’t wanted it to be like this, she still had the opportunity to fix things. The realization that “they” needed some serious work hadn’t changed; it was just the direction of their relationship she was unclear about.

“I didn't go to Anya for that. I was looking for a spell.”

Her temper flared. “You were going to use a spell on me?”

Then his demeanor changed; a frantic look flashed across his face. “It wasn't for you! I wanted something. Anything to make these feelings stop, I just wanted it to stop!”

The pain in his voice ripped her apart. He looked so hurt and vulnerable. A flashback to her dream hit her; him kneeling on the sidewalk in tears, clutching blood money between his fingers. She had done it again, broken him.

“You should have let him kill me.”

She shook her head. “I couldn’t do that.”

“Why?”

“You know why.” She avoided his intense stare.

*You do, oh you do know Spike; just believe it.*

“Because you love me.” He said his confidently, and the words echoed throughout the small space.

She hesitated, this was her chance. Her chance to redeem herself and to make that dream a reality.

*You’ve already said it twice, say it again…say it again*

“I have feelings for you, I do…”

*Chicken*

Her mind was screaming at her; Spike couldn’t see the inner turmoil that was rampaging through her. How she wanted to tell him, but…

“…but it’s not love.”

He rolled his eyes and laughed wickedly moving closer.

“Great love is wild ... and passionate and dangerous. It burns and consumes.”

“Until there’s nothing left; love like that doesn’t last.” She whispered. Everything she’d been through had taught her that; there was almost pain, grief, and eventually lonliness. She knew it all too well.

He was getting frantic, pacing the room almost dangerously. “I know you feel like I do. You don't have to hide it anymore.” He was raging inside, the dream was clashing with reality, and the lines were blurred. He wanted so much for to admit she cared, admit she loved him. Nothing mattered at this point, he would make her say it, and he would show her how much she really did love him.

A tiny feeling of caution flittered through her brain. Something wasn’t right, and she was started to get a little worried where this conversation would lead them.

“Spike, please stop this.” She whispered.

He stepped forward and grasped her hard by the waist. “Let yourself feel it.”

He was raging inside, the dream was clashing with reality, and the lines were blurred. He wanted so much for to admit she cared, admit she loved him. Nothing mattered at this point, he would make her say it, and he would show her how much she really did love him, no matter what the cost.

---

A/N:Pumpkin pie with whipped cream (cause I can't eat another bite)
Dialogue taken from S6 "Seeing Red" courtesy of www.buffyworld.com.

This could go one of two ways, and she could see them both very clearly. His fingers dug into her bathrobe and into her skin; a slice a fear swept through her. She could fight back, tell him where to shove his overly aggressive “love”, or she could give him a jolt of reality, remind him what was at stake, and put a collar on her inner-bitch.

He was out of his mind right now, acting on pure instinct, emotion, and his demon was eating it up. This could get bad, very out of control, and no matter how she felt about him, she would never be able to forgive him if it came to that.

She bit her lip, and shoved him hard with both hands in the chest sending him flying back into the door with a “THUD!”

“This is not the way to make me feel it.” She spoke, praying her words didn’t resonate with the quakes that were coursing through her body. “What do you think is going to happen if you try to force me to admit that I have feelings for you? Is that really what you want? Empty words? That’s what they would be Spike, so GET A GRIP!”

She watched his fingers curl and dig into his palms, and blood dripped onto the tile floor.

“I’m not going to let you give up on me Spike.” She looked pointedly at him. “This little act of desperation isn’t going to help whatever relationship we have left, and if you try, what I think you were planning on, then you’ve given up.”

He sagged against the door his anger deflating until he was left with only a dull ache in the pit of his stomach.

“Bloody hell…Buffy…” The words wouldn’t come, they stuck in his throat. He stared at her horrified. He’d almost…God he would’ve done it too if she hadn’t stopped him. This couldn’t be love, you don’t hurt the ones you love.

He turned, threw open the door, and ran out of the room; a few seconds later the front door slammed, and he was gone.

She sank to the floor clutching her bathrobe around her. She let herself shake now, but she didn’t cry. It wasn’t what he might have done in his anger that terrified her, it was what had pushed him to the edge of his sanity, what had pushed him to think that it was his only option.

It had been her, all her fault.

***

And you
Can bring me to my knees
Again
All the times
That I could beg you please
In vain
All the times
That I felt insecure
For you
And I leave
My burdens at the

But I'm on the outside
I'm looking in
I can see through you
See your true colors
'Cause inside you're ugly
You're ugly like me
I can see through you
See to the real you

“I see you bloody hell bitch,” Spike spat pouring alcohol into his glass of blood and chugging it.

All the times
That I felt like this won't end
It's for you
And I taste
What I could never have
It was from you
All the times
That I've cried
My intentions
Full of pride
But I waste
More time than anyone

He stared at the stereo; sodding creepy it was. He narrowed his eyes.

“Bleedin’ mainstream trash,” he mumbled, refilling his glass. “Ohh, love’s a bitch, don’t hurt me, I’m sorry, blah, blah…” He stumbled over to his chair and sank down, leaning one elbow on the arm of the chair holding his glass.

All the times
That I've cried
All this wasted
It's all inside
And I feel
All this pain
Stuffed it down
It's back again
And I lie
Here in bed
All alone
I can't mend
But I feel
Tomorrow will be OK

He let out a growl and chucked his half-full glass at the stereo, and it shattered. The stereo made a queer sound and stopped, then began playing again the CD skipping.

“I leave…for you…I leave…for you…I leave…for you…I leave…for you…”

***

She had her bathrobe on under her jacket, and her sneakers and that was it. After he had slammed out, and she had calmed down she had gotten an odd feeling of foreboding. She had the feeling; no she just knew she had to get to him. Like…if she didn’t go to him now, she may never get the chance again.

She ran through the cemetery the grass whipping around her ankles. Worry turned into panic and she picked up her pace. She reached his crypt, her chest rising and falling as she took deep breaths.

*You are just being paranoid*

She pushed opened the door and stepped in. Candles were lit, and the radio was playing…sort of. It was stuck, and was skipping.

“I leave…for you…I leave…for you…”

She paled. The crypt was silent beyond that.

“Spike?” She called out, and there was a desperate whine to her voice that indicated how nervous she was.

No answer.

She moved slowly forward, stepping over the broken glass she hit stop on the CD player. It was silent. If crickets would dare enter the sanctuary of Spike’s crypt they would be chirping right now. No one was here, he was gone.

She sank to her knees and put her head in her hands. She didn’t cry, she didn’t think she had any tears left. Why did it always come to this? Her pushing him, and him leaving.

Although, technically, he hadn’t left her before, that had only been a dream.

*I guess some things do come true*

Minutes passed, and she ignored the aching in her knees as they pressed down against the cold cement. She didn’t hear the door to the crypt creak or his heavy footfalls as he strode up behind her.

“Slayer?”

She jumped, and whipped around. He was standing behind her one eyebrow raised holding a paper bag full of what she could only assume were groceries.

“You’re here,” she whispered in disbelief.

“Um...yeah, my crypt last time I checked.”

She jumped to her feet and stomped on her urge to beat him into a pulp. Instead she pitched herself at him, and he dropped the paper bag. She threw her arms around his neck, and buried her head in his chest. He didn’t hold her; he stood still, his entire body stiff.

“You didn’t leave me…” she breathed into his shirt.

He was silent, and stared down at the top of her head.

She finally noticed he wasn’t returned her hug, and stepped away. He was avoiding her eyes, and kept shifting anxiously from one foot to another.

“I…” she cleared her throat. “I just thought…after…”

“That’d I’d pull a poofter and take off? Not my style luv.”

She smiled tentatively at him. “No, definitely not a poofter.”

He considered her words for a moment and cracked a grin. “Waddya trying to say pet? That’s I’m better than the ponce?”

She shrugged, and looked away before he could see the laughter in her eyes.

“Listen, can we…can we just pretend that thing in the bathroom never happened? Can we just…start over?”

The words lit the spark of hope that had begun to fade within his chest. “Start over?”

“I mean, we’ve both, done a lot of terrible things to each other, said things…that we didn’t mean.”

“No, I bloody well did mean them,” he snorted.

She rolled her eyes. “Fine then, I said and did a lot of things that I didn’t mean. With all we’ve…been through, fighting isn’t going to solve anything. I’m willing to call a truce.”

It wasn’t Byron, hell it wasn’t even good Wordsworth which there was very little of, but it would do for now.

---

A/N:Song lyrics from "Outside" by Staind.
Krispie Kream glazed donuts...mmmmm...

---

He grinned into his mug of blood. Buffy stood in the doorway to the kitchen looking like she’d just survived a major disaster. Her hair was coming wildly out of her ponytail, she was covered from heard to toe in flour, and there was some unknown brown liquid splattered on her shirt. She was totally pissed, and absolutely adorable.

“Have a spat with the pancakes then?”

She crossed her arms and glared at him.

“M’ guessing the pancakes won?”

Dawn chose that moment to come running down the stairs, and almost tripped when she saw Buffy. She stood for a moment on the bottom of the stairs, and then burst out in hysterical laughter at her. Buffy threw her hands in the air, and stomped back into the kitchen.

Dawn smiled as she watched her sister leave in a huff, her eyes drifted curiously down to Spike. “She accepted your apology?”

“Something like that,” he said vaguely.

They’d spent most of the night sitting on her couch just talking, and playing a few hands of rummy. She’d told him the only way their “truce” would succeed is if they engaged in some kind of normal activity that didn’t include killing demons, staking vampires, or having sex. He’d had to cough to hide a laugh at that one. Her one stipulation was she wasn’t going to sit around his, “dank, dirty and smelly crypt”. He would have agreed to almost anything at that moment, and going to her house definitely wasn’t a negative.

They hadn’t talked about Anya. She didn’t bring it up, and seemed more content to just pretend it didn’t happen. He wasn’t about to spoil everything by talking about it. She’d talked about her mother, and Dawn; expressed her concern for Willow, and even started a debate about the best ice cream flavors of all time.

He’d let her talk, and answered her questions when she’d had them. The conversation wasn’t emotional or tense. Although, he had to admit there had been some uncomfortable moments, he couldn’t be expected to be a saint the entire time.

She’d gotten him blood without even blinking, and then announced she was making breakfast. Needless to say that endeavor hadn’t turned out exactly as planned, but he loved her more for trying. Her overzealous attempt to appear normal; she was anything but.

Dawn waved to him as she sprinted out the door on his way to school, and Spike started to get fidgety. He may be on the mild side as far as vampires were concerned, but he was still a vampire; still evil. As much as he loved Buffy, sitting around the Slayer’s house made his demon uneasy. That, and the complete 180 their relationship had taken over night; he wasn’t entirely sure it was going to last.

Buffy appeared in the living room again, catching Spike day dreaming.

“I’m going to see Xander.”

He nodded, and set the mug on the coffee table and stood.

“I’ll be clearing out then.”

She rolled her eyes at him, and pointed to the window. “Day remember? Sunlight and vampires don’t really mesh well. Just stay put, I’ll be back in like an hour.”

“Really, Slayer, I’m not bloody helpless.”

“Grow up Spike, and trash the ego. You can stay here until I get back, watch TV, whatever. I just need to…”she let out a sigh. “…go make peace, and explain myself to Xander.”

He frowned. “Explain yourself? What exactly do you have to explain luv?”

She avoided his eyes and shifted. “You know what Spike; don’t play dense. You saw his face outside the Magic Box; you sleeping with Anya wasn’t the only thing that upset him.”

“Once again luv, you don’t have anything to bleedin’ explain. I was the one that shagged Anya, not you.”

“I know that!” she snapped, and her eyes glittered. “Don’t think I just forgot about it.”

“Well what the bloody hell was I supposed to think?” he roared at her. “All of a sudden your all nice and cuddly; I wasn’t going to sodding argue with you!”

“We’ll talk about this later,” she growled at him. “STAY HERE, it shouldn’t take too long explain to Xander why I was fucking you.” She didn’t give him a chance to respond and slammed out the door.

“Bloody women,” he growled.

***

She poked the bush with her stick, God, could she not do anything right? Xander hadn’t yelled, at least not to begin with. He’d just stared at her with those hurt and disappointed eyes. What a fucking cliché’, wasn’t there some kind of saying that disappointment was worse than anger? It was true; she found it much easier to deal with her guilt when he was screaming at her.

The screaming and yelling didn’t come until she’d spilled that she’d made up with Spike, called a truce.

“After all he’s done? God Buffy what are you thinking? Or are you just thinking about yourself?”
“Xander, it’s complicated. We aren’t together, but he’s the strongest fighter besides me, and I’m not going to just let him be run out! We may need him!”

“He’s evil, soulless, and he’s a monster! You just expect me to sit by and let him be a part of the group? It’s NOT going to happen.”

“I’m not asking you to choose, and you shouldn’t be asking me. It isn’t about me and him, but he needs forgiveness just like everyone else, including Anya.”

“Don’t even bring that up! I can’t…I can’t even look at you, just get the hell out of here.”

Obviously it hadn’t gone well. She returned to Revello Drive but didn’t go into the house. She could feel Spike in there, probably pacing, waiting for her. She really wasn’t in the mood to jump from one argument into another.

So she amused herself, pretending to search the bushes for anymore hidden cameras. She had the feeling the absence of any more lawn gnomes meant they were safe, but it was keeping her outside, in the sunlight, away from Spike.

Every once in a while she would glance up, and see him staring at her through the kitchen window. He didn’t yell to her, just watched her.

“Time for the Spring Poking already?”

It was Xander; she turned and glanced at him warily. “Just making sure there are no more Evil Trio cameras, or Evil Uno.”

“The sinister yet addictive card game?”

“Warren. Jonathan and Andrew got clinked, but ... Warren pulled a Rocket Man.”

“You'll find him. He won't be much good without his friends.”

She glanced up at him, and her eyes began to get teary. “No, he won't.” He had to understand, Spike was a part of her life now too, and she couldn’t give him up, give either of them up. They both sat down on the wooden bench.

“How did we get here?” Xander asked quietly.

“Scenic route. Long drive.”

“The past few weeks...”

Buffy stopped him. “I know.”

“I thought I hit bottom, but ... it hurt. That you didn't trust me enough to tell me about Spike. It hurt. At the same time, God, I wish I didn’t know. First him and Anya, then you…”

Buffy cracked a smile. “Technically, me, then Anya.”

Xander stared at her and then relaxed, his face breaking into a sheepish smile.

“It isn’t just about Spike, Buffy. It’s about you closing yourself off to us, and then…turning to him. Why couldn’t you come to me?”

She sighed. “Xander, I couldn’t picture myself walking up to you or Willow and saying, ‘Hey guys, you pulled me out of Heaven, now, I just don’t want to be here. Got any thoughts?’ Besides, he gave me the kind of comfort I didn’t really feel comfortable asking you or Willow for.”

“Ok-too much information Buff.”

Xander leaned forward and gave Buffy a comforting hug.

“I’ll try, but I’m not saying I’m ever going to like him, or be nice to him for that matter.”

She grinned at him. “I love you. You know that right?”

He began to nod, then froze.

“BUFFY!” she heard Xander’s frantic whisper, and Spike’s shout from inside the house simultaneously.

Warren stood there, a look of desperation on his face. “You think you can just do that to me? You think I'd let you get away with that?” He began to laugh insanely. “Think again.” He pulled the gun out of his pants and waved it at Buffy and Xander.

Buffy heard Spike roar, and caught a glimpse of him out of the corner of her eye standing in the open doorway, trying frantically to find a way safely outdoors.

“Once you’re gone, everything will be perfect, and God, I’ll finally be free of you Slayer.”

The shots echoed through the backyard, and as suddenly as it began, everything was silent.

---

A/N:Dialogue taken from S6 "Seeing Red" courtesy of www.buffyworld.com.

Nachos, with tons of cheese, mmmm....

The sky was so blue. She blinked. So very bright.

She knew she’d been shot; she’d felt the pain along with a moment of fear, and then there was nothing. Her body was numb, and her mind was crystal clear.

She could hear Xander talking frantically into his cell phone, and Spike’s voice rang throughout the backyard, screaming her name.

“Goddammit Spike SHUT-UP!” Xander screamed at the agitated vampire pacing back in forth in the small doorway.

Spike was silent, and she couldn’t believe he’d actually listened to Xander. Seconds later his face loomed over hers. She could see the flaps of his duster at it covered him, but she could also smell smoke.

“Spike you’re on fire,” she whispered.

“S’ not important luv,” he managed to choke out. She could see the fear in his face, and she knew it was bad. She itched to reach up and touch his face to reassure him, but she couldn’t, she couldn’t move.

Then there were paramedics, and Spike was shoved out of the way.

“Spike…” she strained. “Spike stay…Dawn…”

Spike clutched his duster tighter and ignored the pain in his feet as he began to sizzle. He didn’t take his eyes off her as they wheeled the stretcher away, and he nodded solemnly at her.

Xander shot him a look, and then hurried to follow Buffy into the ambulance. Spike sprinted back to the safety of the doorway tossing his duster onto the floor. He turned, and watched the ambulance pull away.

“What happened?”

Willow appeared at his side and he pivoted looking down sharply at her. She was covered in blood. He sniffed. Not hers.

“Warren shot Buffy.” It came out hoarse. “Red…?” he nodded to the blood on her shirt.

She uttered two very calm syllables. “Tara.”

He stared down at her. There was concern for Buffy in her eyes, and something else…fury. He almost stepped back; the power of it sent a shiver through him.

Willow stepped away. “I need to go.” She didn’t look back, and walked out the door.

He stared after her. He didn’t know what to do. Buffy…she was dying, again, and the though terrified him. He couldn’t let that argument be their last conversation. He strode down the hall, sweeping his arm along a bookcase knocking its contents to the floor in frustration.

She couldn’t die, not like this. He felt helpless; there was nothing he could do to save her. He was pitiful, spending all this time following her around love-struck, when he should have been protecting her. He should be with her, now, instead of here alone.

Squeezing his eyes shut he tried to recall her face from his dreams.

”I love you.”

He sank to the floor, and wept.

***

Dawn’s face was red, her eyes puffy, but she was finally asleep. Spike rubbed a hand over his eyes, and looked down at her. She had come bursting through the door all smiles, and had skidded to a stop when she had seen the serious look on his face.

Tara was dead.

Buffy was….they still didn’t know.

He’d laid a sheet over Tara’s lifeless body, and shut the door. Dawn had tried to push past him, to see her, but he’d held her back, until she had collapsed in sobs.

She hadn’t asked about Buffy, and he hadn’t supplied any information. Dawn had probably assumed Xander, Willow and Buffy were out trying to find Warren. Dawn had no idea Buffy had been shot as well. It would come back to bite him in the ass later, keeping this from Dawn. He knew he should do something, call the hospital, but he couldn’t. He would wait for Xander or Willow to call. He couldn’t be the one to tell Dawn her sister was dead, he didn’t even know if he could handle hearing it.

She was curled up beside him on the couch, and he sat in rigid silence staring at the black screen of the TV. He’d called the coroner’s office to come get Tara’s body. He couldn’t just leave her there, in plain site, it just wasn’t bleedin’ right. Glinda didn’t deserve this, she was better than all of them.

The front door swung open, Dawn opened her eyes and sat straight up. Buffy, followed by Xander walked warily into the room. Dawn jumped to her feet and made a beeline for Buffy, catching her around the middle. The sobs started almost immediately.

Xander shut the door and looked at Spike.

“Tara?”

Spike cleared his throat. “Called them to come get her, they haven’t come yet.”

Xander nodded.

Spike hadn’t taken his eyes from Buffy; she looked up from Dawn to meet his gaze. Her shirt was drenched in blood, but she seemed perfectly fine. They stared at each other, and he wanted more than anything to take her in his arms and never let go, but he didn’t.

“Buffy, what happened to your shirt?”

She looked down at Dawn who had ceased crying and stepped back.

“Warren shot me, one of his wild shots hit Tara.”

“How…?”

Buffy crossed the room leading Dawn and sat on the couch, Spike didn’t sit but began to pace.

“Willow. She went to the Magic Box,” Buffy sighed. “Bottom-line she’s overdosed on power, she’s out looking for Warren, and we need to find her.”

“Yeah, she's off the wagon big-time. Warren's a dead man if she finds him.” Xander interjected.

“Good.” Dawn spit out bitterly.

“Don’t say that.” Buffy said quietly.

They were all silent. Then Buffy stood again as there was a knock on the door. Xander let the coroners in, and Buffy looked away.

“I can’t…I can’t watch this. I need to go wash this blood off.” She started towards the stairs, and then stopped and turned. “Spike, can I talk to you upstairs for a minute?”

He nodded, and refused to let himself look at Dawn and Xander as he followed Buffy up the stairs. He obediently entered her room after her.

“Shut the door please.”

He did.

She had her back to him, and she was pulling at her blood stained shirt hands shaking.

He walked up behind her, and tentatively placed a calm hand on her shoulder. Her body whipped around, and she buried her head in his chest, sobbing. He wrapped his arms around her back and held her loosely, and let her cry.
“Why did this happen?”

“Dunno pet, bad things happen, you know this better than anyone. Nothing we can do to stop it.”

“It shouldn’t have been her,” she sobbed into his chest.

“We’ll get him luv, and I’m going to break every bone in his bleedin’ body before I kill him.”

She lifted her tear filled gaze to his. Anger covered his face; his eyes were hard. She hadn’t seen him like this, in a long time.

“You can’t kill him Spike. I don’t want to have to kill you.”

His eyes widened at her statement.

“He bloody killed Glinda! We almost lost you pet, he deserves to have his bloody spine ripped out!”

“We need to find him, before Willow does. Spike…she has really lost it. I don’t know if I can stop her; I don’t want to lose her too.”

***

“What did you do? Willow, what did you do?”

She looked at them, and lifted the corner of her mouth in a smile. “One down.” With a flash of light, and clouds of smoke, Willow was gone.

Buffy and Anya could only stare in horror at the place where Warren had been tied moments before.

***

Spike strode down the empty street. Anya and Buffy had followed Anya’s demon towards Willow, and he’d been sent to keep an eye on the other two. Xander had opted to stay with Dawn. He’d argued with Buffy, telling her he was stronger than Anya, but she hadn’t relented. Here he was hanging out in the alley beside the police station.

“Tsk, tsk Spike; naughty vampire, protecting those two weaklings.”

His body tensed and he slipped into game face, and whirled to face Willow. Her hair and eyes were black, and thick veins graced her pale skin.

“I can’t let you hurt em’ Red.”

She laughed, and it sent chills down his spine.

“Poor William the Bloody, Buffy’s cast-off play thing. Still trying to play the valiant knight? You can’t stop me, no one can stop me. They will pay for what they did to her.”

“Glinda wouldn’t have wanted this, think about what your sodding doing!”

She laughed again. “Even when you were at your best you were no match for me. Now look at you, love sick, neutered vampire.”

He growled and lunged forward. Her eyes glowed and she held up a hand, and his body was suspended in mid-leap.

“You want so much for her to love you, but you’re not worthy.” Her eyes glimmered with a sudden mischievous light. She dropped him onto the pavement, and through back her head, uttering a few old Latin phrases. With a smile, she let the blue light burst from her hands and into Spike.

He screamed in agony.

“Let’s make you worthy Spike.”

---

A/N: Dialoge taken from S6 "Villians".
Egg Nog...MMMMMM......

“…Xander left Anya at the altar, and Anya's a vengeance demon again, Dawn's a total klepto, money's been so tight that I've been slinging burgers at the Doublemeat, and I've been sleeping with Spike.”

Giles burst out into hysterically laughter, and Buffy looked shocked, and then allowed a small amused smile to grace her face.

“Is that all?” He was still sputtering, but trying to keep a straight face.

“Yeah, well things are never dull in Sunnydale.”

“So this thing, between you and Spike…?” he let the question hang; he was sagged against the wall trying to regain his composure.

“It’s complicated. I mean, I ended it, for obvious reasons, but things are different now, he’s different.”

Giles shook his head, all the laughter gone. “He’s a vampire Buffy, a soulless vampire, what more do you need to know?”

Buffy sighed; turning away from Giles she began to fiddle with her hair. “Honestly? At this point I’m not prepared to take judgment from you, or anyone else. I’ve spent my life here is Sunnydale doing what is right, protecting the innocent, saving the world, blah blah. I know he’s changed, and everyone else sees it to, but they aren’t going to admit it. So if we make it through this, everyone is going to have to accept the fact that he is one of us now.”

Giles was stunned into silence. Her adamancy about the Spike issue was appalling and at the same time filled him with pride. During the months he had been away she’d grown up, taken responsibility, and obviously gotten more stubborn. He was proud of her, although, he’d deal with the Spike issue later.

He coughed. “So…where is he?”

Buffy made a face. “He was keeping tabs on Jonathan and Tucker’s brother at the police station.” She swore. “Damn him, where the hell was he? I didn’t even notice he wasn’t there.”

Giles raised his eyebrows at her. “I guess things haven’t changed all that much.”

Buffy sighed. “Anyway, What's gonna happen to Willow?”

“Well, the coven is working on a ... way to extract her powers without ... killing her. And, uh, should she survive, you ought to know, Buffy, that there's no guarantee she'll ... be as she was. Willow has killed a human being. How will she be able to live with herself?”

“I wouldn't worry about that.”

They turned sharply, as Willow let an unconscious Anya drop to the floor.

“Willow doesn’t live here anymore.”

***

“Can’t…no…isn’t right. No, isn’t right.” He shook his head vehemently. The darkness mocked him, spoke in circles, and screamed. All he could do was close his eyes, and try to talk loud enough to drown out the voices.

“YOU DON’T KNOW ANYTHING!” he screamed at the shadows. They pointed at him; blame was everywhere. It was strangling him, gnawing at him from the inside. Curling into a ball he hid his face under his arms.

“Don’t want to know…NOOOOO! Tell them I’m sorry,” he was crying now. Their clammy fingers pawed at him, and he began to scream, swiping at his head and chest. “Need it out…don’t want it, don’t want it…”

“Look at you; why would I ever want to be with something as pathetic as you?” Her green eyes shown with amusement, and she squatted down to look him in the eyes. “Give up Spike, no one wants you anymore. After everything you’ve done. You’re a monster.”

***

“GET OUT OF HERE!” Buffy’s scream pierced the silence of the cemetery.

The group looked up sharply as Buffy came barreling towards them.

“MOVE!” With a leap, Buffy tackled Jonathan and Andrew, and the fireball exploded on the ground near them. Dawn and Xander were thrown to the ground, and Xander knocked unconscious as he slammed into a tombstone.

“Dawn hold on!!” Grabbing Dawn’s arm steadied the pair momentarily, under the earth began to shake. The ground beneath them opened up, and the sisters plummeted down into the darkness.

Jonathan turned to look at Andrew. “Mexico huh?”

Buffy struggled shakily to her feet. “Dawn, are you alright?”

Making a face, Dawn brushed the dirt off her clothes. “Just peachy.” She stared up at the hole a good 15-20 feet above them. “How are we going to get out of here?”

“We’ll have to climb, Xander got knocked pretty good on the head, I don’t think he’ll be any help. Damnit, where is Spike?”

***

The dust had settled, and everything was calm once again at least for now. Xander, Dawn, Anya and Buffy were huddled in the living room, none of them speaking. After Xander had taken down Willow, they hadn’t even said goodbye before Giles had whisked her away to the airport, to England.

They were in shock, and more than a little tired. Willow had tried to destroy the world, Xander had stopped her; what were they supposed to do now?

Just being in the house made Buffy uncomfortable; it was awkward without Willow, and just every time she thought about Tara, she wanted to cry. They really hadn’t given themselves time to grieve, Willow included.

She was starting to consider the house on Revello drive, ‘The House of Death’. She couldn’t remember the last time something happy, or positive had happened.

Then there was Spike, who had mysteriously disappeared. She wanted to be angry at him, but instead she was worried. It would be easier if she could think that he’d just skipped out, decided he didn’t want to help, and that he was back to his old ways. After what had happened between them in the last few days, she knew that wasn’t possible. Which only left one solution, something had happened to him.

She hadn’t settled on either possibility conclusively. She just didn’t have the brain power. She was back to her, ‘fire bad, tree pretty’ state of mind.

“Now what do we do?” Dawn’s voice shattered the silence, and no one responded. They were all thinking the same thing.

Xander shifted on the couch. “Pizza?”

***

“I won’t go back, no can’t go back, won’t understand…” he was still mumbling in the darkness.

“You’re worthless Spike, always have been. Do you think a soul makes everything ok? You’ll never be like me, and she’ll never love you the way she loves me.” Angel grinned down at Spike’s quivering form.

“Trusts me…need to protect...promised, never leave.”

“My pretty Spike; she’ll cover you in dust.” Drusilla’s eye’s glimmered playfully. “The glowing turns you weak, oh, let’s go play with her, make you strong again.”

“NO…can’t hurt…the girl.”

“She thinks you betrayed her.” Drusilla giggled. “Oh my William what fun we’ll have.”

Spike lifted his head, tears running down his face.

“I don’t want to be here Spike, I’ve told you before. I can’t live in this world.” Buffy’s shining face smiled at him. “Make it end Spike, make the suffering stop. Kill me.”

She disappeared into the darkness, and once again, Spike was alone. Her words echoed in his mind, drowning out the shame and guilt. “Kill me, make it end….”

---

A/N:Dialogue taken from S6 "Grave". (And yes, The First has made an early appearance.)

The normalcy disrupted by Tara’s death and Willow’s descent into darkness had returned. Laughter echoed through the rooms again, vampires turned to dust, and every morning like clockwork the sun would rise. It had been six days; six days of trudging through each day in a methodical fashion, six days devoid of any major disasters or rumblings of an apocalypse.

Six days Spike had been missing.

Only Dawn could fathom the reasons behind her perpetual apprehension, and why she charged for the phone every time it rang. In a different time this whole scenario might be considered outrageously funny, but not now.

Not at this moment.

At the top of Buffy’s list of things that were bad and needed to be fixed was Spike’s unwarranted and unwanted disappearance. Spike was gone; scouring the town had given her nothing except Spike’s precious duster. She had physically dragged it off some unsuspecting fledgling. He’d found it on the ground in the cemetery, and knew nothing of its previous owner.

The subsequent fight was sparked by Buffy’s inability to prevent herself from telling the vamp just whose coat he’d been wearing. She’d had to kick his ass to claim ownership over Spike’s duster, because “…William the Bloody’s jacket must be worth millions man!” according to the soon to be pile of dust.

Picturing Spike’s face if he heard his coat was deemed almost priceless threatened to make her laugh. But she couldn’t, not until she found him.

The black leather duster hung over the back of a chair in her room now. There was no mistaking who it belonged to. Laying her cheek on the cold, worn leather assaulted her senses with the smell of liquor, cigarettes and Spike.

The origins behind his acquisition of the coat were not lost on her. She knew who its previous owner had been, and she was aware of her connection to the aging piece of leather. The day he’d told her the story of how he’d taken the duster off of Nikki Wood’s dead body she’d been disgusted, appalled that the vampire before her could be so callous about the death of a Slayer, because she was a Slayer. She’d never stopped to ponder why.

Now, with a little maturity, and some insight into the past, things were becoming clearer. Spike was a vampire, clean and simple. He had no soul, and spent 100 plus years being evil and treacherous. Killing a Slayer was the ultimate goal, and he shouldn’t have been expected to feel bad about it. She was naïve to think he would. But it wasn’t about being evil, and having no morals; dying at the hand of a vampire was a hero’s death to a Slayer. He wore the coat in honor of Nikki, in remembrance of their fight, not to defame her memory.

The coat was priceless.

***

The crypt felt cold and unfamiliar, like walking into a house from childhood, and everything being different, smaller than the memories. The contents weren’t smaller, but they gave off dark shadows and unwelcome feelings.

Removing himself from the new high school’s basement hadn’t been as challenging as he’d assumed it would be. Despite the voice in his head telling him it was safer there, he’d managed to get up, and walk out. The voices’ had quieted almost immediately upon exiting, and now, standing in his crypt they were gone completely.

The pain, and guilt burning a hole in his chest remained; that was not something that could be dispersed so easily. He had a century of sin to redeem himself for. But, for the first time, in he didn’t know how long, his thoughts were no longer buzzing in erratic circles. There was one voice, and it was his. It was repeating one word over and over again.

Buffy

***

She dragged her feet through the thick grass. Warm air tickled the back of her neck, and she absently pushed the hair from her eyes. It was too quiet to patrol, and it was hard to concentrate. How warped was she? She was missing the incessant chatter of Spike during patrol, rather than enjoying peace and quiet.

There was no action, only crickets chirping. Damn crickets.

She paused outside Spike’s crypt, her casual stance suggested maybe she was just resting, or happened to pass by it. But her path through the graveyard had let her straight here. Every night it was the same routine, and every night held a little hope that maybe, just maybe, he had come back on his own.

Tonight was different, and she had no hope left. Her gaze sadly drifted over the cracked stone and cement. Not another night of disappointment.

She was angry with herself, for wishing she were angry at Spike. He should be here, but instead the crypt was empty, and she had no one to blame but herself, yet again.

It was almost irrational how she had come to reprimand herself for everything that went wrong around her. Spike being the most offbeat. She missed him, is that why she blamed herself? Or was it because she had asked him to do a job that was obviously more dangerous than they originally thought?

There was no rationalizing it, and no going back. Tragedy, well more tragedy had been averted, and the world had been saved yet again. She turned on her heel to walk away, and that’s when she heard it.

“Hello and goodbye in a run around sue
You follow me around like a pretty pot of glue
I kick you in the head you got nothing to say
Get out of the way 'cause I gotta get away
You never realize I take the piss out of you
You come up and see me and I'll beat you black and blue
One day I'll send you away

I got no feelings
A no feelings
A no feelings
For anybody else
Except for myself, my beautiful selfish…”

Her reaction was immediate, and she slammed open his crypt door nearly falling down the stone steps in her haste.

He was there, staring at her, one eyebrow raised and his head cocked to the side. He looked, normal, uninjured. Black shirt, black jeans, and his hair was slicked a back per norm. He wasn’t hurt, he didn’t look possessed, and he definitely wasn’t dust.

“You son of a bitch…”

***

Her hand was shaking as she dragged the pen across the paper. She had to stop and wipe a tear from her eye before continuing. Her whole world was gone, crushed by a silly boy and her desire for vengeance.

Looking back now, the steps leading up to her complete destruction were obvious. She remembered feeling doubt, but had squashed it along with her morals and any fear remaining in her heart.

Tara was gone, and she had killed Warren. She’d almost destroyed the world, and killed Anya, Buffy, Xander, Dawn, Giles, Spike….

“Oh Goddess…”

Spike

Buffy didn’t know what she'd done...

Dropping the pen and paper she scrambled to her feet, and took off in a sprint toward the cottage.

---

A/N: Song lyrics from "No Feelings" by the Sex Pistols.

Someone mentioned that this chapter was confusing, and I really hadn't meant it to be. If anyone else finds it, confusing or hard to understand, I would love to know so I can make some changes and adjust the way I am explaining things!

Her hands curled into fists as she awaited his response to her open ended insult. She didn’t feel she needed to elaborate any further on why she was angry; after their heart to heart the other night, he should have some idea. Maybe that was the point; he was trying to prove to himself that he was still, a big bad evil vampire, and not the Slayer’s sidekick.

*Slow down Miss Jumps-to-Conclusions, maybe he has a good excuse*

She waited…

And waited….

Still waiting…

“Sorry.”

“That’s it?” Her patience was gone, and the half-crazy, emotional Buffy burst out before she could tie her down. “You’ve been gone SIX DAYS Spike! You just up and disappeared, I thought something had happened to you! You were supposed to be watching Jonathan and…whatever his name is.”

“Tucker’s brother?”

“Goddamnit Spike!” she shouted in frustration. “It doesn’t matter! Willow almost got them no thanks to you!”

“Well considering you’re standing here, and not out chasing down Red I assume everything turned out peachy then?” His voice was devoid of any emotion and his eyes the same.

Cold.

She shivered. “If you call Willow skinning Warren alive ‘peachy’ then sure.”

That didn’t even get a rise out of him; he just stood there with a detached look on his face.

“What happened to you Spike?” her voice was dripping with exhaustion.

He just shrugged and turned away from her. “Had a bit of a run in with Red; took a few days to get my wits back is all.”

The comment triggered the alarm in her brain. It was as if he was trying make her angry enough to focus on his actions, and not on him. That affirmation was all it took to diffuse her irritation with him. Which in truth was more worry than anything else, but she wasn’t going to tell him that.

She approached him quietly, and laid a tentative hand on his back. A jolt shook is body, and he jerked away from her touch.
“Spike…?”

“Just go Slayer; go back to your warm house, and to the Scoobies. I don’t need you here.”

His missed the flicker of anguish that molded itself to her features.

*He doesn’t want you here*

“No.”

His game face was all it took for her to acknowledge he really was trying to hide something.

“Get out of my bloody crypt woman!” he roared taking two aggressive steps toward her.

She didn’t back down, but straightened and approached him without hesitancy. “You don’t mean that, so you’re going to have to make me ’Big Bad’.”

“I said GO!” he roared again, but grabbed his head and keeled over letting out a queer whine. The sound made her stomach flip, and she backed away.

“”M’ not going to do it,” he turned and looked to his right as if he was talking to someone. “She doesn’t want that, not real, not real…” he was mumbling incoherently.

“Spike?”

He didn’t respond to her voice, and kept talking to the invisible “thing” that was apparently whispering in his ear.

“Oh screw this,” she grumbled and took a few steps forward grabbing by the shoulders and shaking him.

“SNAP OUT OF IT!”

He did.

Sinking to his knees he looked miserably up at her and what clutched at her gut was the unshed tears glistening in his eyes.

“Buffy…”

She moved to him, dropping to her knees in front of him. She wrapped her arms around him comfortingly, and he nuzzled her neck. He quivering; his body shaking and her heart started to race wildly.

“Spike what’s going on, what’s wrong?”

“It didn't work. Costume. Didn't help. Couldn't hide,” he mumbled into her shoulder.

“What are you trying to hide Spike? Why were you pretending to ok? What happened?” her voice sounded desperate. She was at wits end, and he was terrifying her.

“I dreamed of killing you,” he whispered with a shudder. “I dreamed of you letting me kill you, you asking for me to kill you.”

All the years they had fought, or “danced” neither had ever succeeded. Eventually she had come to the consensus that the desire wasn’t really in it. They’d never killed each other because they hadn’t wanted to. After all this time with him, she had stopped thinking of him as her enemy, as a vampire. His words shook her to the core; he still had the desire to see her dead. The demon inside him craved blood, her blood and always would.

“I think they were dreams. So weak. Did you make me weak, thinking of you, holding myself, and spilling useless buckets of salt over your... ending? Angel—he should've warned me. He makes a good show of forgetting, but it's here, in me, all the time.”

He pulled away and held his face inches from hers. She could see the pain in his eyes. “She put the spark in me and now all it does is burn.”


*No*

She fell back away from him, and his pain became her pain. The horror that must have been evident in her face made him start, and he wrapped his arms around himself.

“Is it that bad? It must be burning the skin, its eating the inside away.” He began to shake his head furiously. “Didn’t ask for it, but now its here. Spike is bad, and she looks at it and knows. She can see me now.”

He wasn’t talking to her anymore, he was arguing with himself. Tears began to run down her cheeks leaving salty wet trails. Willow had done this to him, cursed him, thrust his soul back into his body. For what? Amusement at the time; he must have been in her way. He had been doing the job she’d asked him to do, and this was the result. His soul.

He looked at her. “It's what you wanted, right?” His head twisted to glare accusingly upwards. “It's what you wanted, right? And—and now everybody's in here, talking. Everything I did...everyone I— and him... and it... the other, the thing beneath—beneath you. It's here too. Everybody. They all just tell me go... go to hell.”

“Oh God…” she let out a whimper and pressed her hands to her face. "I’m sorry, it’s all my fault.”

“Didn’t want you to know, but you see it don’t you? All the things…the bad…you can see right? You knew before, but now…I can feel it too.” He looked down at the floor. “Can’t love me now, can’t live now.”

“Why didn’t you come to me? Oh Spike why didn’t you tell me?”

“Buffy, shame on you. Why does a man do what he mustn't? For her. To be hers…can’t love weak. Must be strong. Needed to be right again, no spark. Had to wait. Thought it would go away, thought I could hide, could pretend. But you saw through me.”

“It’ll be ok,” she sobbed, “we’ll fix this, Willow…”

His head snapped up, and he fixed his gaze solidly on her. “Is this what you want? Loved Angel with the spark, love Spike too?”

His gibberish was breaking her heart. He’d tried to be strong, to pretend he was fine. She’d cause him to fall apart, and his soul was eating him away, and he still only thought of her.

“I want what you want; I want there to be no more pain Spike. I want you to come back to me.”

He gazed at her with sorrowful eyes. “Never be the same again.”

She crawled to him on hands and knees, and took him in her arms again. His body sagged against her, and she held him while he began to sob.

“We’ll make it right, I promise Spike.”

“Can’t be right, m’ still here, still thinking, still feeling. Don’t want to feel Buffy.” He lifted his tear stained face to hers. “Don’t leave me here, gained the spark, can’t lose the girl.”

“I’ll never leave you.” She vowed, her voice shaking with emotion. “I promise, I’ll never leave you behind.”

---

A/N:Dialogue taken from S7 "Beneath You".

Seven Months Later

“SURPRISE!!!”

The stake clattered to the floor, and her mouth dropped. The cheery air filled the room, drowning out the underlying fear and worry. “Um…thanks,” was all she could utter to their expectant faces.

“Happy birthday Buffy,” Willow squealed and rushed forward to hug her. There was a cough, and Spike and Robin stepped out from behind Buffy. Buffy’s eyes narrowed, and she turned to glare at Spike.

“You knew about this?”

“Oh yeah!” Dawn piped up. “He was supposed to keep you away, you know distract you!”

Spike’s tongue peeked out between his teeth and he raised an eyebrow, but the snarky comment never came. Smiling, she nodded at him understandingly and turned back to the group.

“Is there cake?”

She went through the motions; smiling and laughing, but she couldn’t keep her gaze from wandering back to Spike. He lounged against a doorway, a small grin on his face as he watched the proceedings. Every now and then she caught a glimpse of the old Spike, like tonight, with the look and the tongue….

*Stop it perv*

It had been months since she had found him cowering in his crypt, going all crazy, with his soul. She would love to say everything had gotten better from there, but it hadn’t. The First has reappeared with a vengeance; dampening the already dim mood that had lingered. Needless to say the last thing Spike needed after getting his soul was to be jerked around by the First Evil. He’d started killing again, not by choice of course, but killing nonetheless.

For a brief second, Buffy had thought she would have to stake him, and it just about broke her heart. He’d made so much progress; he’d stopped talking to the voices in his head, and stopped acting like a loon. Although he wasn’t his old nasty self, he had begun socializing and helping her patrol again.

The First hadn’t triggered Spike since that night, but it was always on her mind. She cared for Spike, and it seemed easier to admit now that she had a soul. She didn’t hide it anymore, with the casual touches and the soft comments, but it hadn’t gone any further than that. Giles had noticed, and removing Spike’s chip had sent him into overdrive. He seemed to trust Spike less now, than when they had suspected him of killing.

But it wasn’t about trusting Spike, it was about trusting Buffy to be able to do what she might have to if the time came. She had brought Spike into the house of potentials, and it was her responsibility to be there if it happened again.

He caught her staring, and lifted an eyebrow in question. She blushed, cursed herself mentally, and looked away. She was acting like a school girl, it was just Spike.

*That’s the problem you dork*

She couldn’t deny that she liked seeing his softer side, and maybe she had just been too blind to see it before. Nothing had happened between them physically. She didn’t know if it was because she wasn’t ready, or he wasn’t. They hadn’t talked about it, and it didn’t look like they were going to, it wasn’t time yet.

Willow had called, ill-timed of course to tell them of Spike’s soul. They had given Spike the option of having it removed. She remembered it vividly. They had been on speaker phone with Giles and Willow, and he had looked at her. He had really looked at her, and she could see it in his eyes. Hope, love, and he had shaken his head.

He hadn’t said it, but she knew, he’d done it for her. He hadn’t spoken the words to her, since before Willow had gone all evil, but she knew. She saw it in his eyes every time he looked at her. He loved her.

***

“Do we really need to do this now?”

Xander mumbled something, and then stood having fastened the manacles securely around Spike’s wrists.

“Buffy,” Giles sighed exasperated. “This isn’t a chore that can be putt off, this is life or death.”

“Already dead Rupes.”

He didn’t miss the look that Giles shot Robin who was standing idly in the corner.

“What are you doing here? You came to see the show?”

“I thought you might need support.” The stared at each other, the tension was sizzling.

“Enough.” Buffy turned to face Giles. “What is this going to do to him? Is it safe?” Giles assessed Buffy, and her worried tone.

“The Prokaryote stone will move within his mind to reveal the root of the trigger's power. Can unleash ideas, images, memories... Hopefully, once he understands what it is that's setting him off, you can break its hold on him.”

Spike glanced at the stone realizing where it was intended to go. “Oh bugger.”

***

“Spike's a liability, Buffy. He refuses to see it, and so do you. Angel left here because he realized how harmful your relationship with him was. Spike, on the other hand, lacks such self-awareness.”

Buffy let her fist fly and sent the vampire flying into a headstone. “Is that what you think?” she yelled back at Giles. “That he chose to stay?” she began laughing hysterically as she beat the crap out of the vampire. “I asked him to stay, he wanted to go.”

“Well I obviously didn’t give him enough credit and you too much.” Giles mumbled.

“What?” she turned and the vampire tackled her.

“You want Spike here even after what he's done to you in the past?”

“He’s different Giles, he has a soul.”

*I’m different*

“And the First is exploiting that to his advantage.”

Buffy staked the vampire, and whirled to face Giles.

“Oh, my God. You're stalling me. You're keeping me away-“

“It's time to stop playing the role of general, and start being one. This is the way wars are won.”

She stared at him. What had happened to him, to all of them. “You bastard,” she gasped and took off running.

***

The tears were dried from the night air, but she had been sobbing. She could picture it, Spike dissolving into a cloud of dust, and she couldn’t hold back. The betrayal of her Watcher stung; he’d taken the stake out of her hands, and made the decision for her.

Then he was there, shutting the door to the building behind him and shrugging on his duster.

“Oh God, Spike, what happened?”

He looked at her, his eyes hard. “I gave him a pass. Let him live. On account of the fact I killed his mother. But that's all he gets. He even so much as looks at me funny again, I'll kill him.”

She glanced at Robin sagged against the wall and back at Spike as he began stalking away. “Wait!” she called out desperately.

She sprinted to him, and grabbed his arm and he stared down at her with tired eyes. “I didn’t know, Giles…stalling…” she was rambling.

“Not your fault luv.” He turned again, shaking her hand off his arm.

“Then why are you walking away?”

He swiveled. Her tear stained face watching his every movement anxiously.

“Figured you’d need to patch up the wanker, and have a go at the Watcher.”

“Spike…”

“Just go Slayer, M’ fine, gonna take more than that to get me.”

“No.” She stood resilient.

“No?” he took a menacing step forward. “No?”

“Why would I want to help the man that just tried to kill you? And Giles…I have nothing to say to him, not anymore.”

“S’ what does that mean?”

The tears started again, and she wiped them away absently. “I thought you were gone, I thought he’d done it.”

“Yeah well one less thing to muck up your life then.”

“Stop it!” she yelled at him. “Stop treating me like I don’t care, like I’m that girl. I’m not, I haven’t been since…” she stopped herself, wasn’t going to help bringing up her dreams. He wouldn’t understand. “I care, about you.”

He moved closer, no longer trying to be intimidating. His cold fingers grazed her cheek as he wiped the tears away. “I know.”

Her tears soaked eyes regarded him curiously. “You know?”

“You’ve always cared, couldn’t help yourself. Doesn’t mean you liked it, but it was always there. ‘V just been waiting you to admit it to yourself.”

“Didn’t know you were so deep,” she mocked through her tears.

He smiled softly at her. “I’m glad you care pet.”

“You’re always right you know? God, never thought I’d say it, but you are. Damn it Spike, why do you always have to be right?”

“Just lucky I guess; comes with the good looks, and great hair.”

She smirked, her tears drying. “Will you take me home now?”

The grin slid off his face, and he gazed down at her soberly. “Home, yeah I’ll take you back to the house.”

“Home,” she whispered grabbing his hand.

---

A/N: Dialogue taken from S7 "Lies My Parents Told"

He held her hand through the quiet streets of Sunnydale; his cool fingers squeezing every so often to make sure she was real, that she was there. He didn’t speak, and she followed in suit. They reached the edge of tranquility, and stopped staring into the gateway back to reality.

She didn’t want to go in, because for a few brief moments on the walk home all her worries had evaporated. Opening the door, and going into the house would unleash the responsibilities, and she liked it better outside, with Spike.

“Come on Pet,” he nudged her forward and let go of her hand. Her hand began to itch and tingle; and she stared down at it. It was so ironic that now she craved his touch, even the simplest of caresses when not too long ago she would have rather stepped on a nail then have anything to do with him.

She stepped through the doorway, and the chaos erupted around them. Girls screaming and laughing, multiple tracks of footsteps echoed through the house, and inanimate objects shook with the force of all the energy bursting forth.

She hid in the darkness behind her eyelids for a moment, and the deep breath she inhaled did nothing to calm the rising anger and frustration. No one stopped, none of the potentials acknowledged her arrival with anything more than the briefest of glances.

The low rumblings of masculine voiced filtered down the stairs, and she turned to look at Spike. “Can you…”

“I’ll be in the dungeon like a good ‘lil vamp,” he replied with a sardonic expression. He left her standing at the foot of the stairs without another word.

She took the stairs slowly, planning her verbal attack with each step. She’d had enough, of everything and everyone. Giles’ manipulation of her trust had been the last straw. Right now, at this very moment Giles was upstairs under the impression that Robin had “taken care” of Spike. She was sure he was basking in the glory of his ingenious plan to rid them of the vampire, and it just pissed her off.

Giles had never liked Spike, but she never imagined he would stoop to something like this. All these years with him fighting at their side, and now, all of a sudden Spike was too much of a threat to be allowed to exist.

Xander and Giles were standing in the hallway talking in low voices; just the site of Giles made her blood boil. Years of repression, and judgment were now surfacing; no matter how much she loved him, she would not allow him to rule them all like a fascist dictator. His term of the wise Watcher was over; it was her turn now.

She hoped she looked a mess; getting to tell Giles he had failed was going to give her retribution, and add some fuel to the fight.

“Buff…” Xander noticed her first, and at her face coughed and made an excuse. “Wow, look at the time…should probably go…do…something.” He pushed past her and down the stairs.

She approached Giles warily; eyeing him. Although his face was stern, his eyes were gleaming, and she knew what it was that caused that twinkle in his eye.

Satisfaction.


“Buffy...I—I understand your anger. Please believe me; we did what we did it for your own good; for all our sakes.”

“Uhuh.” Her voice was emotionless, and the adrenaline pumping through her body made her want to kill something.

“He was dangerous even with the soul Buffy, you’ve got to understand. You can’t just think about what you want, you need to lead, and do what’s best for everyone.”

“For everyone, or for you Giles?”

He was startled by the animosity her words, and the fire building behind her eyes.

She didn’t let him respond. “You’ve been behind me all these years, whether you agree or not. I’ve come to you for guidance, and support through all kinds of shit. And now, when it is time for me to put my skills to the test, you pull away. You took the trust out of our relationship by not allowing me to do what is right for us all.”

“I’m sorry…but, it needed to be done.”

“No Giles, you needed it done. My relationship with Spike is none of your business, if anyone is ever going to stake him, it’ll be me. But never, at your command. As a matter a fact, consider yourself voted off the island.”

“Voted off the…what in the blazes are you talking about?”

“You’ve lost the right to have an opinion in this house, and concerning anything to do with the potentials or me.”

“I think you are just over reacting…wait a moment. Did you just…?”

“He’s alive. Spike’s alive; Wood failed.”

“Well, that doesn't change anything. What I told you is still true. You need to learn—“

“No, I think you've taught me everything I need to know.” With that Buffy turned on her heal and down the stairs.

Giles didn’t see the tears building in Buffy’s eyes, or the collapse of the wall of anger she had built up. She had just lost another important person in her life, and not because of death, this time; he had chosen to leave her behind.

***

She was absolutely silent as she made her way down the stairs to the basement, but he knew she was there. He could sense her anger, and her disappointment, and smell her tears. He rose, and watched her pause at the bottom of the stairs.

She looked tired, and too thin. Sometime during this charade Buffy had grown into a woman, and also stopped taking care of herself. Not that he was surprised, things had stopped being “all about Buffy” a long time ago, and had started being all about everyone else.

“So I take it he didn’t apologize then?” He tried humor, and it fell onto deaf ears. She didn’t smile; she just looked tiredly at him.

“If they try it again, so help me…”she sighed, but didn’t finish the statement.

The urge to take her in his arms overwhelmed him, but he didn’t move a muscle. She had to come to him, and as much as he believed their relationship had changed, he didn’t want to take any chances.

On her own, Buffy made the decision. She walked the ten steps forward, and into Spike’s awaiting arms. She could feel his cold skin through the thin fabric of his shirt, as she laid her head on his chest. She didn’t tense as he ran his fingers through her hair, murmuring unintelligible words of comfort against the silken strands.

“Everything just goes from bad to worse.”

He chuckled. “Just figurin’ that out now?”

She didn’t take the bait. “I’m glad you are still here, but I would understand if you left.”

He stiffened. “Leave? Bloody hell woman, would you get it through that skull of yours that ‘M not going anywhere. You’re stuck with me.”

“Ok good.”

He took a half step back, and tilted her face up to his. “Good?”

She nodded slightly. “I don’t want you to go, I was just being polite. You know, saying the ‘right’ thing.”

“Oh, right then. Glad we got that all sorted. Just one thing-“

Buffy surged upwards and planted her lips on his. His eyes went wide, and they stood unmoving for a few seconds staring into each others eyes.

Spike broke the hypnotizing state by wrapping his arms around Buffy and pulling her off the ground and up against him. She didn’t struggle, only snuggled closer still nibbling at his lips.

“Can I stay with you tonight?” her voice sounded so young and hopeful.

He let out a growl, and crushed her closer to him.

Did she even really need to ask?

---

A/N:Dialogue taken from S7 "Lies My Parents Told"

It was downcast eyes, and brief nervous glances; not Spike, her. She was avoiding him, and not for the usual reasons. It had been two full days since they spent the night together, in the same bed. She’d managed to get away with speaking exactly five words to him.

“Whatever.”

“Shut up Spike.”

And

“Useless.”

Not that these phrases were out of the ordinary for her, but the last one, well ouch. He’d stared at her for a few seconds with hurt eyes, and then he’d brought up his mask of disdain and mockery. He’d snapped a witty comeback, and sauntered off. Stupid Buffy.

They hadn’t done the dirty deed; they’d lain in that dank uncomfortable cot the entire night just holding each other. Oddly enough, she hadn’t noticed the unpleasant support of the cot until she’d gotten up the next morning. Spike’s arms wrapped securely around her were too much of a distraction.

She’d always know how to handle Spike, or how to act around him. The trick was, she didn’t try to be a certain way, because she’d never cared about his opinion before. Sometime in the past few most she began to mentally double checked herself before she said anything around him, so she didn’t sound stupid. At the same time, another part of her was frustratingly stomping her foot in impatience. She’d never really gotten worked up over boys, and Spike wasn’t even a regular boy, so what was her problem?

Nervousness had set in; she was preparing for the forthcoming rejection. She knew it was silly, Spike loved her, but for some reason the personality of an adolescent crush was coming back to haunt her.

So, she was avoiding him at the risk of saying something she didn’t mean, or embarrassing herself. She had no intention of blemishing their one perfect night with an argument. That was, until Faith arrived.

The fury she felt watching Faith try to kick the crap out of Spike came out of nowhere, and she had to force herself to hold back. She couldn’t run to his side, protect him, this wasn’t the dream. They weren’t the perfect couple; there was no happy ending, not for them.

She’d let it go, and moved on, but overhearing Spike and Faith giggling together in the basement, well, that didn’t sit well at all.

“…just don’t forget who’s on top.”

“That I suspect, would be you.”

She couldn’t see what was going on, but she heard the creak of the cot and knew that Faith had taken a seat close to Spike. Too close for comfort.

“You got that right. I’ve met you before you know.”

“Yeah, you made a great impression on my chin.

“Not in the graveyard, before that. I was kinda wearing a different body.”

“Pity.”

“You seemed ok with it.” The seductive tone of Faith’s voice made her blood boil.

“The body swap, with Buffy.”

“She fill you in on the whole deal?”

“She told me it went down. Failed to mention it was you driving her skin around.”

“Yeah…I may have done a few things…”

Spike chuckled, and his voice was husky.

“You don’t hear me complaining pet.”

Buffy seethed. He’d never told her he’d had a run in with her when Faith was running the controls. The scenarios jumbled around in her mind, Spike and Faith, Faith and Riley. Was anything hers? She missed the rest of the conversation, too angry to listen, and too caught up in visions of Spike and Faith having sex to pay attention.

“Wow everybody’s just full of surprises.”

Buffy paused at the bottom of the stairs, her arms crossed. “Well it’s nice to see you two getting along so well.”

Spike jumped, and stared at her guiltily, while Faith just smirked.

“Yeah, you just know all the cool vampires.” Wink.

Oh no she didn’t.

“Aren’t you usually at work about now?” He was trying to lessen the tension in the room; it wasn’t working.

“I cut back.” Why, hiding something Spike? She kept the comment to herself.
Faith glanced at Buffy and then back at Spike. “Yeah, I think I’m going to get some air.” As she passed Buffy she whispered, “Don’t be too hard on him B.”

Buffy blinked.

They stared at each other, and Buffy counted to thirty.

“Well I guess I found the best way to get you to talk to me.”

“Oh yeah?” she ground her teeth together.

“Just play footsies with the evil twin and you get all hot and bothered.”

“Whatever Spike.”

He sighed, and sank back against the wall. “Gee, haven’t heard that one in a few hours. Gotta try a different tune luv.”

“Like you’re Mr. Talkative.” She was being snotty. Damnit Buffy, act cool.

“I don’t know what’s crawled up your arse Slayer, but M’ not in the mood to play kick the Spike.”

The anger was gone instantly. “What?”

“M’ not your personal punching bag, and M’ not going to sit here while you take out your sexual frustrations on me.”

The tears built up behind her eyes before she could stop them. How had they gotten back to this point?

“Wow Spike, you know me too well.” She snapped at him, turning away. “Guess I’ll have to go find someone else to take care of that for me.”

“I didn’t shag her.”

She turned back, and he was sitting calmly, hands folder looking at her.

“Why not, she looked like me, hell, to you she was me. Your dream come true.” The inner bitch was back, spouting words sprung from jealousy.

“She didn’t want me; even if it was Faith, she was wearing you’re body, and some things never change luv.”

She walked away from him, and towards the stairs.

“And sometimes things do change, but we’re too scared to admit it,” she whispered under her breath as she started up the stairs. She didn’t look back to see if he’d heard, it just didn’t matter anymore.

***

She was covered in blood, and most of it wasn’t her own. She sat on the back porch and sobbed. She’d led the girls into a trap, there had been casualties, and she was to blame. It was just too much. The combination of The First Evil and her conflicting emotions towards Spike were getting the better of her. She was making rash decisions, decisions that got people killed, and seriously injured.

Xander was in the hospital, he’d lost an eye, because of her. There was no happy medium, no way to be calm rational Buffy, and Slayer extraordinaire. There was no way to she could be a leader, without support. Right now, it felt like she had no one.

Spike had slipped into the basement quietly, not speaking to her, but she could see it in his eyes.

Disappointment.

In her.

She had gambled, and failed, and now the only thing left to do was to figure out, how much she had really lost.

---

A/N: Dialogue taken from S7 "Dirty Girls"

They all stared; condemning looks of blame, and distrust. It was a long couple of days. The seeds of mutiny had begun to grow, and doubt along with it. They didn’t trust her anymore, and why should they? She had led them into the mouth of the beast, all because she had felt the need to show them she was right. But she’d been wrong.

So wrong.

They hadn’t revolted, and amazingly, it was Faith that had calmed the storm. She’d stepped up to Buffy’s side, and put a comforting hand on her shoulder. She’d told the group, Giles, Willow, Dawn and Xander included to grow up. To let “B’” do her thing, and that she was with her, and the rest of them should be.

She’d been wrong about a lot of things, and now Faith was added to that long list.

Buffy let out a grunt of pain as she landed hard on the cement floor. Now wasn’t the best time to be rehashing the events of the past couple of days. She was on the verge of becoming one more dead Slayer; Caleb stood over her scythe in hand.

“I was kind of hoping it'd go this way.” He sneered at her, and she stared coldly back, not giving an inch. She wasn’t ready to die, not again. Too much was at stake this time; she wasn’t worried about the pain, she was worried about the others. What would happen to them if she was killed tonight, now?

Spike’s face flashed before her eyes, and gave her new life. She couldn’t die, not before she told him, not before things were ok with him. She could have laughed just then; her first priority was Spike, not the fate of the world. Things really had gotten screwed up.

“HEY!” Caleb dropped the scythe and went flying. Buffy glanced up startled.

Angel.

Angel was here.

He pulled her to her feet; and grinned at her.

“I was never much for preachers. You look good Buffy.”

“You look timely; also good.” Actually you look fat. Cushy LA getting a bit too comfortable? She smiled at him, but was cracking up inside. She’d seen him a few times over the past couple of years, but he didn’t cause that flicker of warmth in her belly anymore. She looked at him and felt nothing.

He was a distant memory. An old friend come back and nothing more. She’d almost forgotten about him, he’d been gone so long. She’d spent so many years pining over him, missing him and for what? He’d left her, and she’d been ok with out him.

“Heard maybe you needed a hand.”

Caleb surged to his feet, and Buffy shook her head at Angel.

Angel sighed, leaned against the pillar and crossed his arms. “God, I missed watching this.”


***
Buffy stalked out of the crypt wiping her mouth on her sleeve. “God, Angel, did that seem like a good time for that?”

Angel loped after her, a confused expression on his face. “I thought you were glad to see me?”

Buffy turned, and rolled her eyes at him. “Surprised? Yes. Glad? That’s stretching it a bit.”

“Is it Spike? Is that why I’m getting the cold shoulder? You’re not telling me something. And his scent, I remember it pretty well.”

Buffy snorted. “That’s your issue not mine.”

Angel stalked forward grabbing Buffy, and spinning her around. “Is he your boyfriend?”

A look of pain flashed across her face. “Is that your business?”

“You in love with him? OK, maybe I'm outta line, but this is kind of a curve ball for me. I mean, we are talking about Spike here.”

“He’s different. He has a soul now.”

Angel shuffled his feet, and stared at the ground. “Oh, well great. Everyone has a soul now. But you didn’t answer my question.”

Buffy sighed tiredly. “What did you expect Angel? That you would ride in, and give me oversized bling and I would fall into your arms? Things have changed.”

“I didn’t expect to come back and find you acting as Spike’s new bed toy. He’s an idiot Buffy.”

The slap rang across the empty cemetery. Her fingers stung from the force of the impact.

“You don’t know anything.”

“I know his scent is all over you, and I do know the only thing Spike excels at is getting women into his bed. Tell me I’m wrong.”

“You’re wrong y’ bloody ponce.”

Spike’s voice came out of nowhere, and Buffy’s heart just about stopped. He sauntered out from behind a tree, cigarette hanging from his lips.

Angel sighed dramatically. “Great.”

“Well if you two are going to make with the sodding Springer routine, figure it’d be a barrel of laughs if I joined the fun.”


Angel’s low growl raised the hairs on the back of Buffy’s neck. “GO. AWAY. SPIKE.”

“Not until you and me set a few things straight.” Spike flicked the cigarette to the ground. “You got no bleedin’ right comin’ in here and talking to the Slayer like that, and you know it. She isn’t anyone’s bed toy, never has been. She’d better than you, better than me.”

“Not going to argue with the last one,” Angel muttered.

“Oh give it a rest you git.” Spike spared a glance at Buffy, who was watching the pair with guarded eyes.

They stood at a stalemate; none of them speaking. Angel broke the silence.
“So now what?”

Buffy looked up. “Now you go back to LA; no more questions Angel. I need to you there just in case.”

“And what about him?” he glared at Spike.

“He does what he wants to. He knows where he’s needed, and it’s up to him.”

“He is standing right here.” Spike muttered.

“So this is it Buffy? Are you choosing him?”

Both Angel and Spike stared hard at her, and she froze. Her mind drew a blank. Was this it? Was this the moment she was supposed to decide who she wanted to be with? Were they tired of the games, tired of waiting?

It wasn’t fair, and it definitely wasn’t the time to be having this conversation. Angel and Spike didn’t look away, and continued to stare at her anxiously. Spike was fidgeting with his lighter, and Angel kept running his fingers through his hair.

She wanted to say “Yes, I choose Spike” but the words wouldn’t come out. She’d wanted to tell him in private that, she was in love with him, but not in front of Angel. Not now.

The more Spike stared at her, the worse she felt. He needed this. He needed to hear it now, in front of Angel. He would believe her if she said it now, and he could throw it in Angel’s face.

Spike’s expectant face drooped at her pause. He’d gotten his answer, and turned away. She stared at his back as he began to walk away, and then the answer came to her. If she didn’t tell him now, she’d probably lose him forever.

“Yes.” She whispered.



A/N: Dialogue taken from "End of Days" and "Chosen" S7.

Yes.

So quiet, but uttered with immense feeling.

Did I really just say that?

Yes, you really did.

Her eyes were not on Angel, but she could feel the tension radiate from him; anger, jealousy, disbelief.

Take it back Buffy.

Her gaze wavered not once watching the black leather clad vampire continue to move away from her. He didn’t pause, nor did his steps falter.

Maybe he didn’t hear…

He heard.

She would not take it back.

“YES!” her scream filled the night air, and she squeezed her eyes tight. She couldn’t watch him walk away, not again. She sank to her knees, and the hard ground scratched at her. The tears leaked out from beneath her eyelids, but she didn’t peak.

Didn’t breathe.

Angel had left; faded into the night at her admission. She doubted she would ever see him again. Not now.

Now that he knew.

She loved Spike.

The scythe fell from her fingers tips and landed with a soft thud on the cold ground. Who was this pathetic mess huddled on the ground? Surely it wasn’t the Slayer; crying at the feet of a vampire.

William the Bloody.

Slayer of Slayers.

Spike.

And cry she did; it seemed admitting it aloud; in reality not dreams changed her. She was truly Buffy, who wanted Spike, and no one else would do. Not now. For the first time in her life she was admitting someone else’s power over her.

She was begging for forgiveness.

For a chance.

Oh God, oh God, what have I done?

The right thing.

Then it was there. Cold fingers on her cheek brushing away dirt and tears.

It’s not real, he’s not real, it’s not real…

“Open your eyes pet.”

She did. He was crouched in front of her, his duster billowing around his ankles. She couldn’t read his face; there was nothing distinguishable in the gaze he was giving her. She bit back the urge to fling herself at him; she was still Buffy, the Slayer. She couldn’t show weakness. At least, not any more than she had already revealed tonight.

“Come on.” He let a hand dangle in front of her, and she stared at it for a moment. His fingers twitched, and she could see his hand was shaking. She lifted her arm and let her palm lay against his cool skin.

In one motion he tugged her to her feet. She stood awkwardly, staring at his shoes, avoiding his eyes. She could see a clear picture of herself in her head; like she were looking down from above. A dirty, ragged version of herself; she was beneath him.

I am beneath him.

The realization hit her with such force she expelled breath with a “whoosh!” It tore at her gut; she’d known it all along, which is why she had shoved him away, belittled him, abused him. She’d seen something beneath the surface and it had scared her; it was scaring her now.

“I am beneath you,” she lifted her wide-eyed gaze and connected with his fierce blue one. The words came out with strength, and with no hesitation. Spike visibly stilled, his grasp on her hand tightened.

“What’r you babbling on about then?” his voice was quiet, and the joke came out with no real intention behind it.

“I always thought you were pathetic and totally insane the way you followed me, obsessed over me. Especially when you were supposed to kill me.”

“I love you.” It was as full of feeling, and assurance as it had been the first time he’d said it.

“That’s what makes you better than me,” she whispered brushing the hair out of her eyes. “I’ve never loved anyone with that kind of recklessness and devotion in my life, and I don’t know if I ever could. But through all of this,” she waved a hand at the empty cemetery. “through all of the shit we’ve been through, and I’ve put you through, you’ve stuck by me. Even when I thought I didn’t want you, or need you around. That’s what you do for someone you love.”

“Buffy-“

“I’m not done.” She dropped his hand and began to pace nervously. “You have a soul because of me. You didn’t ask for it, but you had it shoved into you without warning or want. If it weren’t for your love for me, you would be out killing people, and being all evil and such.”

The corner of his mouth lifted in amusement, but he didn’t interrupt.

“It isn’t fair for you, and…” her voiced wavered. …if you want it removed, so you can be like you were, I’ll have Willow do it. No questions asked.”

“Why would you do that pet? No chip, no soul? Wouldn’t that make me the ‘Big Bad’ again? Do you really want to stake me that badly?”

She frowned on him, not getting the joke. “I won’t stake you; I’ll let you be. We’ll do it, now, tonight, if that’s what you want.”

“Why?” He grabbed her wrist halting her pacing, and forcing her to meet his eyes.

“Because I love you.”

The silence was deafening. They gazed at each other; one with fear, and the other with astonishment.

“That’s what people do when they love each other. They give them what they need, or want. They let them go.” She whispered.

“So you’re saying you want me to go?”

Buffy smacked him hard. “Didn’t you hear what I said? Damnit Spike-“

He cut off her off in mid-sentence pulling her against him, and crushing his lips to hers. It wasn’t rushed or ravaging like all their other kisses. He tasted her slowly, his tongue caressing every inch of her mouth. She closed her eyes, and let her body mold itself against his.

When they broke apart, she was breathless. He smoothed the stray hairs from her face, and his eyes twinkled. “Took you long enough to say it Slayer.”

She laid her head against his chest, and didn’t respond. He felt the tension in her body, and took a step back. He lifted her chin with one finger.

“What’s wrong luv?”

Her face hardened, and her eyes shined with unshed tears.

“We fight tomorrow, and we won’t all make it.” She sighed tiredly, stretching to pick the scythe up from the ground.

“We? Bloody hell woman; have a little more faith in me than that.”

“It’s going to be over soon, and I don’t know if I’m ready.”

He smiled at her, and cocked one eyebrow. “You were born ready Slayer.”

“We need to get back.”

He frowned at her dismissive tone, but followed her as she began walking.

“Tomorrow we’ll go be heroes; what’s better than that?”

She stopped, and turned to look at him. Pain flickered across her face.

“Time.”

The tension in the house was at its peak.

The last night.

The battle of their lives loomed with the rising of the sun. Hours remained, and soon it would be resolved, on way or another. It was the time that bore the sharpest wounds. Her eyes flicked to the clock again, and the second hand ticked forward at twice the speed as normal. Would this be the last night, for all of them?

She wished she held the arrogance to truly believe that they would conquer. Her heart trembled; they would not all survive, or none of them would. She had accepted within the last few days that this would be her final battle. She was going to give the Hellmouth her all; sacrifice herself if need be, for the rest to survive.

Her heart and her mind were weary, and her body wracked with fatigue. She was tired of the fight; too many years in a world of never-ending battles, and pointless feuds. This was the end in one form or another.

Spike lingered in the back of her mind, standing out amongst the battle plans and worry. He had accepted her admission without comment; she knew what he thought. It was her way of relieving her guilt, and saying goodbye. The sorrow in the pit of her stomach left her feeling sick; she didn’t know if he would ever truly believe her.

Ever…

Not very long from this moment.

“So here's the part where you make a choice: What if you could have that power...now? In every generation, one slayer is born... because a bunch of men who died thousands of years ago made up that rule. They were powerful men. This woman is more powerful than all of them combined. So I say we change the rule. I say my power should be our power. Tomorrow, Willow will use the essence of the scythe to change our destiny.”

She clenched her fingers in the pocket of the jacket around the empty space where the amulet had been. Her gaze was steady as she made eye contact with Giles from across the room. He began to speak, picking up where she had left off, and her thoughts drifted away.

“Someone ensouled, but stronger than human.”

Spike.


The fact that Angel had been prepared to walk into the battle with his hanging around his neck gave her chills. His mission all along had been about saving the world; he was all about the heroics. He had been ready to jump into the Hellmouth, and never come back.

It was meant for Spike. She knew in her heart it was he who deserved to wear it.

Champion.

She didn’t dare to form the words, what the amulet was, what it meant, but it lingered in the back of her mind.

Death

It just wasn’t fair. This was to be his redemption? How do you bless someone through death, who is already dead?

He’d accepted the amulet with awe and shock. It wasn’t the trinket; it was her confidence that he was the worthy bearer.

Champion

Giles’ voice was a distant murmur as he dismissed the group. Some paired off, and others stayed huddled together savoring the human contact.

Life

He wasn’t there. One quick smile and he’d dismissed her to the last Scoobie meeting. He was recognizing this as her time. Letting her choose how to dwell out her last few hours of peace.

She stood, gathering her courage, and smiled brightly at the few remaining girls in the living room. Nodding briefly at Giles she made her way to the basement door. There were no lights, and she winced at the irony.

”You belong in the dark, with me.”

He sat with his back against the wall, the amulet dangling from his fingertips. His gaze snapped up to meet hers, and he stood and crossed the room to meet her. She glanced slowly down at the metal chain hanging from his fingertips.

He slid the amulet smoothly into his pocket. Discarding it, with all thoughts of what it meant.

“Y’ should be up socializing luv; nothing to do down here in the dark.”

“You’re here.” The corner of his mouth lifted in a smirk, and he tilted his head to the side studying her.

“Well you know us vampires; kinda have a thing for dark and depressing places.”

“Do you want me to leave?” she feigned a step backwards and grinned at the stricken look on his face.

“Never.”

She stepped forward, and raised a hand laying it softly against his cold cheek. He never broke eye contact, but his head leaned into the palm of her hand.

“Thank you.”

He looked at her quizzically, his blue eyes curious. “For what pet?”

She pulled her hand back gently, and tucked a stray strand of her behind her ear. “For staying.”

They stood awkwardly; Spike began to fidget, shuffling his feet, and Buffy yawned. His hand shot out and grabbed her arm softly. “You should sleep; big day tomorrow and all.”

She nodded, and began to move toward the cot. She paused when she realized he wasn’t following her. “Aren’t you coming?”

He gazed at her; his heart in his eyes, and she could feel the tears prick her eyes. “Are you sure this is how you want to spend this night?”

She hesitated, and she watched the hurt flicker through his eyes.

She smiled.

“There isn’t anywhere else I would rather be.”

***

She felt them before she heard the creak of the stair. Spike’s body stilled, and became tense against her back. His grip on her arm tightened, and she opened her eyes.

They were there.

Standing on the steps, staring open mouthed at her and Spike.

It was them.

Her dreams came back to her in a flood of memories. The time travel, the ‘I love you’s’, seeing themselves lying on the cot, as they were, right now.

“Oh…” she whispered it softly, and she knew the moment Spike realized just what they were seeing.

The stair creaked again, and Buffy rolled from the cot at the same moment Spike catapulted to his feet. She stared at him.

It had been real.

They weren’t dreams.

“Spike…”

“It wasn’t a bloody dream…” his voice was raw with emotion, and she watched the conflicting emotions play upon his face.

Then he threw back his head and laughed, the loud sound of his joy echoing throughout the dim basement. Buffy let out a whimper, and didn’t hold back. She launched herself at Spike, and into his waiting arms.

His lips slammed down upon hers, and her feet left the floor. He held her tight, and she squeezed her eyes shut as she poured out her love for him. Her mouth worked against his, tongues sliding together.

I love you.

I really do love you.

Buffy loves Spike.

Never a dream.

They broke apart, and Buffy turned, and watched as they made their way down the stairs into the room.

She watched Spike, and the other her stand together awkwardly. They looked so very confused, and she wanted to laugh.

Not a dream.

For a moment she forgot what day it was; she forgot the duty, and the responsibility.

For a split second everything in the world was the way it was supposed to be, and she smiled.

She watched the other her clutch the other Spike; she saw the terror in both of their eyes as Willow sent them back. The hair on her arms stood up as she heard Buffy chanting frantically, “Never forget…”

She let her eyes close, and behind the darkness of her eyelids she could sense the brightness of the flash, and the house shook with the corresponding bang.

She was green with envy; the other Buffy getting the chance to go back, and make things right. Get to spend another year without the burdens of The First.

No.

It was worse for her; the other Buffy would go back to hating Spike, and believing their entire journey was a dream. She was the lucky one.

Her eyes opened, and she sought his. They were trained on her, just as she knew they’d be. He was gauging her reaction; taking in the post it-was-all-a-dream Buffy. His face was stretched taut and she watched his jaw tick. It still amazed her the waves of emotion that always seemed to radiate from him.

For so long she’d compared him to the vamps that she dissolved into dust every night on patrol; simple-minded, purpose-less, empty monsters. She’d let herself live for too long under the impression that without a soul equaled without a heart; without feeling.

She had been wrong.

If Angel’s proneness to lack of feeling, and disconnection wasn’t proof enough, there was also Spike himself. He’d stood apart from the beginning. Not only because he’d made himself the center of attention, but unlike other vamps he’d never given up. He knew the time to run, and the time to fight. He’d known love long before he got his soul, and he would know it long after.

Angel had never really believed in true love; he’d reveled in being wanted even though he was a monster. He’d put her on a pedestal because she was The Slayer, and he used his leaving as fuel for his mission. “Angel the soulful must give up true love for the good of mankind.”

What a load of crap.

If he’d come right out and said, “I can’t be with you because I’d rather die than become Angelus again,” she would have accepted it, or at least, it would have made things easier.

But no, ever the dramatic undead he had to go with the, “I’m doing it for you,” line. Which was the same as, “its not you its me,” and they’d both known it.

She had a place in her heart for him, and she always would. If she hadn’t known the whole story before he came back to Sunnydale, she might just have let him be the man in her life again. Be her support; keep her sane where Spike was driving her insane.

Angel was in love with Cordelia, according to Willow. If the ridiculousness of that statement weren’t enough, it turned out Willow had been called to re-ensoul Angel, and banish Angelus, again.

The ironic part of it all was that Angel had voluntarily given up his soul for reasons beyond her. She’d stopped Willow there; Angel was not her concern anymore, and despite his reasons behind his actions he had gone and done all the things he left her to avoid.

Life was just too strange to handle these days.

So lost in thought she didn’t notice the others leave, she blinked back to reality with Spike’s uncomfortable cough. Not even an hour earlier she’d been wrapped around him in utter joy. All the 'I love you’s', and the entire journey of after-school special proportions had been real.

They loved each other; the best part being, she wasn’t afraid of it anymore. She felt like an idiot; she’d spent the better part of a year being terrified of her true feelings for Spike. Or, not so much afraid of the feelings, but afraid of his reaction. Then, in one instant, everything was OK again.

As happy as she was that the feelings were out in the open; floating around for all to see, life just didn’t work that way. Nothing was that easy, not for her and most definitely not for Spike.

He shoved his hands in his pockets and rocked back onto his heels. His body jerked in tiny fidgeting movements overflowing with undisguised anxiety. Always so worried, when it came to her. That was the soul; before he’d always been so self-assured, cocky and relaxed her presence. As far as he knew back then she didn’t love him, and he’d accepted anything she gave him with wild abandonment.

It wasn’t that he wasn’t ever hurt by her words or actions; it was just that he’d been too proud and well, evil to admit it. But now…

Although William had always been a part of Spike, now, he didn’t hide in the shadows.

He coughed again.

“So I guess this means we have to talk right?” she raised an eyebrow at him, a smile teasing at the corners of her mouth.

“Right; have to talk. Always a bloody chore with you ain’t it?”

He never did hide his disappointment well; snarky comments were a dead give away. Silly vampire.

“Overreact much? I meant I’d like to talk Spike, if that’ll fit into your busy schedule?”

His face softened instantly, and she watched the tiny creases appear beside his eyes as he smiled. One of those little things she’d never taken the time to notice before.

“I always have time for you pet,” he said with so much emotion her heart lurched. What a fool she’d been.

“Basement gonna work for you?” she tossed over her shoulder as she header down the stairs.

She didn’t need to hear his answer; she felt his presence on the stairs behind her without a work spoken. His body was cold as ice, but her back burned with sensation of his being only inches away.

She turned on her heel in the center of the room and placed a hand casually on the punching bag. “So, big battle tomorrow…”

“Bloody hell, if that’s all you want to talk about then you can-“

“Spike,” she cut him off smiling, “relax.”

His mouth hung open for a moment, and then snapped shut.

“Don’t you think I’m just as, confused as you are about this?” her hand dropped from the punching bag.

“‘M not confused,” and she looked at him startled, “I’m terrified.”

“Of what? Being with me?”

“No, never that luv. I’ve…” he stuttered, and looked up at the ceiling. “I’ve been around for sodding ever, done everything. But you aren’t like anything I’ve ever known. N’ knowing that you might love me; it’s a little intimidating.”

“Wait, what?” her brows furrowed in confusion. “Me, loving you is intimidating? I’m a little confused Spike, I thought that’s what you wanted, all these years, was me to love you?”

“No...that’s not what I meant.” He growled frustrated. “You’re the Slayer, the former bane of my existence and my guardian Angel. My light. You are so much more than I ever deserve. N’ when I think about your formers…I’m not like them Buffy. As much as I hate to admit it, the Ponce been doing good for a lot longer than me, and although I’d rather take shots of ‘oly water then admit it, White bread was a good guy; not much in the tact department…”

“Get to the point.”

“Right. Well, what ‘m saying is; they were good men, they didn’t deserve you, but I deserve you a lot less. ‘N here I am standing in front of you, and you’re about to tell me you love me, and I’m terrified. Terrified I’ll never be good enough for you, never give you what you need.”

“You already have.”

“Already have what?” He looked at her confusion settling on his features, his hands fidgeting at his sides.

“Given me what I need.”

His eyes widened a bit, and she saw the surprise flow into his gaze.

“You loved me Spike; through everything you loved me. I hated you, I was disgusted by you, I didn’t trust you, and I tried many times to throw you out my life. I beat you until you couldn’t walk, and I left you to bleed on the sidewalk. I used you when I needed something only you could give, and I made sure you knew none of it was ever really worth it, that it all meant nothing. You loved me when I didn’t want you to, and you loved me when I did. You love me now, and I know, without a doubt that you will never leave me. And, believe me when I say, that is a must-have on the ‘Buffy list of boyfriend requirements’.”

He opened his mouth to speak but she held up a hand.

“I don’t love you because I need to love you, and I don’t love you because you love me. I love you because I want to love you, and I can’t imagine a life without you in it. All the things that happened during the dream were true, I changed, and you changed. You never needed me, you thought you did, but in truth I needed you. You changed me Spike, and it’s about time I thanked you for that.”

“So, payment for services rendered then?” he had the nerve to look amused, and she shot him a look.

“No you dope. A long overdue thank you for being there for me, and not giving up when everyone else did. Me loving you, has nothing to do with my need to thank you, but it is an added bonus.”

Spike crossed the small distance between them and laid a hand gently on her shoulder.

“S’ you really do love me then?”

She inched closer, and raised a hand laying it on the cold skin of his cheek. “What do you think?”

She didn’t closer her eyes as his head descended, and his cool lips molded to hers. She stared into the frozen blue depths, and let herself be consumed by his arms.

---

A/N: Some paraphrasing of Season 7 "End of Days" I didn't look at the transcript, so the tidbits I used probably aren't 100% accurate. Spuffiness to come next chapter :D Finally.

Chapter 34

He was the one that broke the kiss; the instant the comforting chill of his lips disappeared uncertainty flickered across her face. He was still there, standing there, looking down at her. One hand moved, and his fingers twisted a loose strand of golden hair around his pale fingers.

She searched his eyes, but all the fear and doubt had vanished. Only the calm blue oceans stared back at her; wherever her Spike had been hiding all these months, since the gain of his soul, it didn’t matter, he was back now.

The arrogant spark swam within those waters, and love…always love. “You’re mine Summers, y’ got that through that thick Slayer skull of yers yet?”

Buffy shrugged, and looked away unconvinced; she turned her head back slowly and gave him a slow smile. “I’m love’s bitch, but least I’m woman enough to admit it.”

He stared at her for a moment, and then let out a snort as the familiarity behind the words hit him. “Wiser words were never said luv,” he rubbed the silken locks of her hair between his fingers.

“Uhmm mm,” the tip of her tongue began to trace a slow path over her lips, and she shifted closer, bringing a hand up to lay on his side. His body twitched under the contact. “I’m still a little bit in shock I think; spending all this time thinking it was-“

“A dream?”

“After…when I first woke up,” her voiced wavered, and she dropped her chin struggling to hold back tears.

Releasing her hair, Spike slid a finger under her chin, lifting her gaze to meet his.

“It felt like something slithered its way up inside you and died eh?”

“Something like that; I felt so alone, like…like I’d just lost my best friend.” The tears were streaming in rivers down her cheeks now, and Spike struggled to control is own overflowing emotions.

“Gotta stop livin’ in the past luv; we’re here now-“

“But how long is now Spike?” her gaze grew hot, and her fingers dug into his waist. “It figures, I finally get my act together, but times run out.”

“Hey,” Spike growled softly, “It isn’t about how much time, it’s about the time itself. So here we are Slayer, night before the Apocalypse an all, ‘n is this really how you want to spend our time?”

A flush began to spread up her neck. “Spike…”

“Oh bloody hell woman,” Spike sighed rolling his eyes. “That’s not what I…what ‘m saying is, we could stand here, get all sentimental and boo hoo regretful, or we could spend the time doing something new.”

“Like what?”

“Not fighting, not beating each other to a bloody pulp, and not pretending we don’t know how we feel about each other.”

“Um…English please?”

Raking a hand through his hair, he let out an exaggerated sigh. “All m’ saying is we don’t have to do anything. We just have to be; that’s all.”

“’Be’,” Buffy smiled, “I like that. Let’s just ‘be’ Spike.”

“Alright then.”

Buffy looked up suddenly, a confused expression on her face. “What exactly does that mean again?”

“Keep it simple luv,” Spike whispered softly, and he reached for her free hand and slid it around his waist.

“I think I’m getting it,” she whispered stepping closer, letting her hands slide the rest of the way around his back. Letting out a sigh, she laid her head on his chest. “How’s this?”

“Hmmm,” he pressed his lips to her hair, “Let’s have a think about it.”

“Huh?” she lifted her head from his chest and stared at him confused.

Spike swallowed back a laugh as he stared down at her baffled face. “Never mind you silly bint.”

Buffy scrunched up her face, and stepped back from him, crossing her arms in mock anger.

“Bint?”

Spike raised an eyebrow at her retreating form. “Chit?”

Buffy took another step back.

“Bird?”

It was Buffy’s turn to raise an eyebrow, and she took another step back. Spike’s tongue slid between his teeth, and his brows furrowed as if in deep thought.

“Pet?”

Buffy turned on her heal and presented her back to him.

“Awww luv, I’m not about to get into a row with you over this bloody game your playing here.”

She didn’t respond, but she was grinning ear to ear, and she stayed facing away from him. He was silent, and the smile slipped from her face. She kept forgetting this wasn’t the bad ass, hard-headed Spike she was so accustomed to dealing with; still hard-headed, but not quite as indestructible as he had always pretended to be. Rolling her eyes she prepared to turn and comfort the obviously brooding vampire, which as it turned out, seem to be a requirement for all vampires with a soul. She couldn’t help but snort; once upon a time Spike would have found that hilarious.

Strong arms slipped around her waist before she could move, and pulled her back against a solid body. His fingers teased the waistband of her jeans, before slipping within the cuff and resting every so lightly against the bare skin. The shiver that followed was the only natural reaction.

The proof that he was perfectly all right, and not brooding was pulsating against the small of her back. Applying the tiniest amount of pressure with the cool fingers pressed against the skin of her stomach be moved her further back against him.

The hair at the nape of her neck began to move, and she stifled a giggle as it swept against her skin causing goose bumps to emerge. The cool breath he was blowing into her hair reached her skin, and the urge to giggle dissipated. At the first touch of his tongue to her neck caused her to jerk back against him, and he chuckled softly against her neck. His tongue moved cruelly against the bare skin at the nape of her neck, tracing irregular patterns, applying pressure until her breath was expelled with a gasp.

When his blunt teeth scraped softly across her bare flesh, her hands sought his legs, and her fingers clenched at his jeans. She leaned into him, and bared her neck allowing him complete access, and she waited.

And waited.

He continued his attack on her neck with his tongue, but the bite she expected, no, craved never came. She didn’t voice her objects; she was offering, but he wasn’t biting (no pun intended). Whether or not he realized she was offering, she couldn’t tell. His movements hadn’t changed, except that now he was softly grinding his arousal into her back.

It was eerie how quiet the basement was; normally Spike was talking non-stop, and sex didn’t change that in the least.

But this was different. It felt like the most right and wrong thing in the world at the same time. He was two different men¬–vampires now; thankfully not the extreme duel personality of Angel and Angelus, but this Spike was so different than the Spike she had first fell in love with. No matter how he tried to hide the changes, they were there, she could feel them.

His probing fingers pushed through her wandering thoughts, and she couldn’t help but moan.

“That’s right Slayer, moan for me luv, tell me how it feels…”

“More,” she choked out, shifting to her toes to rub her butt against his erection. He growled, and pressed forward, forcing her to stumble toward the bed. Suddenly his arms were gone, and her legs betrayed her. She fell awkwardly onto the small grunt. Her annoyed response to being dropped was put on hold when she was flipped to her back, and got a face full of Spike.

He sank his tongue into her mouth with an aggressiveness she didn’t know he still had in him. Her legs wrapped themselves around his waist on their own accord, and she slid her hands up under his t-shirt, raking her nails across the skin of his back.

He growled again into her mouth, and thrust his hips into hers, and she moaned. She could feel his cock throbbing even through her jeans, and his and she shifted the wetness soaking through her panties.

“Cor, ‘ve missed this,” he breathed into her mouth as he began to move slowly against her, rubbing his jean-clad erection and her thoroughly damp jeans. She leaned forward and caught his ear lobe with her teeth and tugged gently. Her hands pulled anxiously at his t-shirt, and he stopped to allow it to be pulled over his head.

Buffy’s eyes glazed over as she gaze at his naked chest; her hands moved up to his shoulders, and then slowly down his chest and paused on his abs.

She shivered.

“Did I ever tell you how hot you are?”

He gave her a toothy grin, “Nah, but I always knew you were thinking it. Bloody irresistible I am.”

Her laughter echoed throughout the dim basement, and she let her legs drop back to the bed as he began his assault on her clothing.

It seemed like only seconds later, and the rags that were all that was left of her clothing lay were scattered on the basement floor. She’d managed to get his jeans off without tearing them to shreds.

She took his face in her hands, and forced him to meet her eyes. “I want to watch your face,” she whispered.

She saw the doubt flicker through his blue eyes, but he didn’t argue. He didn’t bother with foreplay, Buffy’s desire was so strong it was suffocating him, and her juices were dripping onto the sheet. He pressed a hard kiss to her forehead, and slid into her.

He moved slowly, pausing every now and then to feel her Slayer muscles clamp down on him. Buffy groaned as he throbbed back in response to her urging.

When he was buried deep inside her warmth he became motionless. Spike’s eyes caressed her face, and looked down at her with the same wonder she’d seen the first time they’d been together. Only this time she smiled up at him.

“I love you William.”

She opened her eyes to the night sky; the stars twinkled down at her, smiling and laughing. She heaved in a deep breath and expelled it; the air was cool and refreshing. The stench of death and disaster was gone; no more dust, no more ruin.

Buffy stood in the grass, and looked at the twinkling lights of the city far in the distance. Los Angeles, haven…home? For the first time in years Buffy’s entire body was relaxed; and the inner Slayer was taking a much-needed rest.

The low hum of the school bus had quieted hours ago, and now they just waited. Angel and his gang were coming to rescue them from the side of the road, somewhere between the ruins of Sunnydale and the city of angels. All the survivors slept soundly on the bus, while she stood outside gazing at the night sky.

The presence of the other slayers overwhelmed her. She could feel their power suffocating her in the small confines of the bus. Their heavy breathing screeched to her ears like nails on a chalkboard. No longer was she the Chosen one, but one among many.

“Easy luv, I can see the steam comin’ out of yer ears from over here,” his voice carried quietly along the night air. She smiled as she felt him approach, and then his arms slipped around her waist.

“Nah, no heavy thinking here I promise; low-level, silly, unstressful thoughts only.”

“Yer gonna have to try a little harder to convince me of that Slayer.” He whispered against her ear, and she shivered.

“Not the Slayer anymore Spike remember? Just another one of the gang, nothing special.”

“I’m thinking you’re just fishing for compliments pet,” she just could imagine the grin on his face as he mumbled into her hair.

She didn’t respond just stared at the lights in the distance. They’d come so far…

“We really did it Spike, its over, all over, finally.”

“Casualties were a might lighter than I would have wagered,” Spike said softly.

Buffy’s body went cold, and she watched the images of the dead slayers pass before her eyes. Not every one had been saved, everything wasn’t all right, they hadn’t even begun grieving yet.

“I’m not sure I’m ready for LA,” Buffy half turned and gazed up at Spike who was looking thoughtful down at her.

“You’ll do just fine in LA luv, and you won’t be alone.”

She frowned slightly his words triggering something in her brain, something she felt she was forgetting.

“I don’t know if I ready to hop back into the fight Spike; I was thinking more of like a Club Med for Slayers. What do you think?”

Spike didn’t smile; he just looked down at her wistfully, and brushed a stray strand of hair out of her eyes. “I love you Buffy.”

She smiled at him, and twisted fully in his arms, laying her head on his chest. “I love–“ Buffy was shoved back sharply from Spike, and she looked at him understanding blossoming in her eyes.

He was smiling at her now, but she could barely see it, the glow radiating from the amulet on his chest blinded her.

“SPIKE!” she tried to rush toward him, but found her legs would not move. She watched in horror as flames began to lick up his legs, and cover his body. He just continued to smile at her.

“NOOOOOOOO!!!” her arms flailed wildly, and the tears coursed down her face. “SPIKE! I LOVE-“

“BUFFY!!”

Her eyes snapped open; there was no sky, only the cold gray metal ceiling of the bus. She focused on the worried face of Dawn who was staring down at her.

“Buffy, it’s just a dream!” Dawn’s voice was edged with hysteria, and Buffy shifted in her seat so that she was sitting.

Slowly her eyes adjusted to the darkness, and she surveyed the sleeping figures on the bus. It was so quiet; the only evidence of life was standing before her with a worried expression on her face.

“Buffy, are you OK?” Dawn whispered.

Buffy rubbed her eyes, and then scrunched up her face in thought. “Dawnie, where Sp–“

Dead.

The thought hit her with such force she stopped speaking, and the air went out of her lungs.

Dead

Gone

Dust.

The dream came back to her then; the peaceful happiness, and then the fire…

There was no happy ending, there was only pain.

“Dammnit B we’ve got to get out of here, it’s coming down on us!”

Buffy tried to shove her way through the Slayers trying to flee the Hellmouth, but Faith’s hand on her arm held her back.

“Let me GO Faith, I need to get to Spike, I need…”

“B there is NO TIME!”

Her gaze searched the cavern until it rested on the glowing form of Spike about 25 yards away. She couldn’t see his face, but she could see the flames, and she could hear him swearing.

She struggled against Faith’s arms. “We have to get him, its over, he’s done it killed them all, we have to GET HIM!”

The earth shuddered again, and a rock crashed down to the left sending Buffy and Faith sprawling.

“No way B, we ain’t gonna make it!”

“I have to try–“

Laughter echoed throughout the cave, and Buffy stopped struggling. Spike was gone.

“NOOOOO!” Buffy fought like a mad woman, scratching at Faith as the other slayer dragged her back away from the Hellmouth. There was a groan, and a crack as the rocks began falling faster, and soon Buffy’s view of where Spike had been standing was gone.

Just like him.

***

“Spike is dead.”

“Yes, Buffy, Spike is gone.” Dawn looked at her sister sadly, and Buffy’s face crumbled.

“I forgot for a minute Dawnie, I forgot.”

Dawn slid onto the vinyl seat next to her and put an arm over her shoulder. “Its ok Buffy, it’ll be ok.”

But it wasn’t ok.

She didn’t cry, but her heart burned. The familiar emptiness so common after her resurrection the previous year began to seep into her chest.

Spike was dead.

She barely heard Dawn speaking, and she turned her head and stared out the window. In the distance the light of LA twinkled brightly. People sleeping soundly, safe and cozy in their beds, so unaware of the apocalypse that had almost landed on their doorsteps.

He’d saved them all. Not just her, and the Scoobies, but all of them.


The flash of headlights caused the bus to stir, the other survivors sat up in their seats, and a low chatter began. There was a creak, and the doors to the school bus snapped open.

“Buffy?”

She didn’t look up, but continued to stare out the window. She felt Angel move down the isle toward her, but she couldn’t meet his gaze. Instead she stared at the darkness that surrounded them, letting herself slip into it.

I love you Spike.

A/N:This in't the end, so bear with me, I know this wasn't the happiest of chapters.

“You’ve got to find her something to do. I can’t…she’s driving me insane.”

Wesley looked up from the stack of papers on his desk, one eyebrow raised in amusement. “Do? What would you have me give her to do? You’re the one that brought her here.”

Angel sighed dramatically running a hand through his hair as he paced. “I know, I know, but I thought…well lets just say I thought it would be different.”

“Ahhh,” Wesley tipped back in his chair. “So it’s the not-so-appreciative behavior of the Slayer that’s doing it then?”

“Yes. No. Maybe. All I know is, every time she tries to kill something, it turns out to be a client, and I’ve got to be the one to tell her no. Or, she does kill something, and I’ve got to be the one to tell her that we don’t kill things anymore, just issue court orders.”

Angel frowned at Wesley who was trying to contain his amusement. “This isn’t funny Wes, I can’t take it anymore.”

“Why don’t you send her on a mission, across the country, out of the country? Let her spread her wings a bit.”

Angel plopped down in one of the chairs in front of Wesley’s desk. “Do you think that would work?” He shook his head, answering his own question. “No, she won’t go. Damnit Wes, it wouldn’t be so bad if she weren’t so angry and well…”

“Depressed?”

Angel shifted in his seat. “No, she’s not depressed, she’s just¬¬-“

“Depressed?”

“Alright, fine, she’s depressed. Are you happy?”

“Well, if you are admitting she’s torturing herself because she misses-“

“Don’t say it,” Angel growled.

“Alright, I’ll see what I dig up Angel, but I’m not making any promises.”

Lurching to his feet Angel started toward the door. “Do it fast Wes, I have a feeling after the Wolfram & Hart Halloween party tonight I’m going to have a lot of cleaning up to do, and it’ll be much easier if I don’t have to deal with Buffy at the same time.”

***

“No way; there is no way I’m going Willow.” Buffy crossed her arms and glared at Willow who was holding up a dress in front of her.

“Come on Buffy, we got this pretty dress and everything. Look, sparkles!” Willow pointed to the front of the black lace dress. “You can’t not go!”

“I’ve got to patrol.”

Turning, Willow hung the dress on the back of a chair. “It’s Halloween Buffy, you don’t patrol on Halloween remember?”

“And, I remember, the last time someone saying that, Dawn went out necking with a vampire!”

“That had nothing to do with Halloween.”

“Well I don’t care.” Buffy stood up and turned toward the window and looked down at the darkened street below. “Demons in Halloween costumes, disco balls, not really my thing.”

Stomping her foot Willow picked the gown back up and walked over to Buffy thrusting into her arms. “If you don’t go, then, well I’ll tell Dawn.”

Buffy rolled her eyes. “Ooh, I’m so scared.”

“No, no I won’t tell Dawn, I’ll GO GET Dawn.”

“You wouldn’t.”

“I will.”

“Nice try Wil, but she’s in England with Giles remember? Doing the school thing. Even if you did go get her, you wouldn’t be back by the time the Halloween party started.”

“Wanna try me? I’m an all-powerful white witch now; you don’t know the extent of my goddess like powers. I’ll have her here because you can get in the elevator.”

Walking toward the door Willow threw a look back over her shoulder at Buffy. “You’ve got an hour, and don’t try to run away, you know I’ll track you down.”

Buffy clutched the dress to her chest, and sank down on the edge of the bed. She knew what they were doing, all of them. Sending Dawn to England, making her the official Slayer consultant of Wolfram & Hart, making her wear stupid dresses, to stupid parties. They wanted to distract her, keep her motivated, give her space.

She had thought she would have adjusted by now, but Slaying in LA just wasn’t the same. She always seemed to be killing the wrong demon, and the fight just wasn’t the same anymore. The first time she’d stepped into Woodbridge Cemetery, the upscale field of bones near Wolfram & Hart, she’d almost turned away. She’d been alone, utterly alone. She couldn’t feel his presence beside her, or even trying to hide himself behind a crypt. There was no one watching her back, she was, finally what she’d always thought she was, alone in the fight.

She’d dusted five vamps that night, and for the first time since the battle on the Hellmouth, she’d cried. Collapsed in a heap on the grave of Gillian Fredericks, she’d cried every last tear out of her system. She’d gotten up though, and gone back to W&H, and hadn’t cried again. She told them all she was fine, she’d moved on, made her peace, but she still wasn’t so sure.

She was alive, and she’d let him burn, and it was killing her.

***

“Do you ever open any of this mail Angel?”

Angel whipped around. “Yes Fred, every morning I sit down with my shiny letter opener, and I read each syllable. And then, I go out to every office and take attendance.”

“Geez, what’s with the bad mood?”

“Don’t even ask.”

Fred smiled brightly and picked up a manila envelope from the desk. “You never know what could be all wrapped up in here, I’m just going to open this one…” She began tearing at the envelope, and Angel circled his desk grabbing the package from her hands.

“Don’t you have a party to go to Fred?”

“You mean the same one you’re supposed to be at?”

“Angelkins!” The giant green demon burst through the office door. “Where have you been? The Arch Duke is out there waiting,” Lorne wrung his hands anxiously. “Time to come rub elbows, or bump foreheads, or whatever you wacky kids do these days!”

“Lorne,”

“No buts sweet cheeks, you’ve got some butt kissing to do!”

Angel fumbled the package in his hands. “Well, geez Lorne I would,” he ripped open the envelope, “but you see, I just got this urgent package that I have to deal with-“

Angel tipped the envelope upside down, and the sparkling amulet landed with a clang on the floor. Angel stared, and the seeds of dread began to seep into his system as the amulet began to glow.

“That’s a pretty snazzy jewel there Angel, but really-“

The amulet flashed brightly, and a cloud rose up from the jewel. The tornado cloud swirled upwards, and came together to form a man. A scream of pain tore through the office, and then there was silence.

“Spike.” Angel sighed tiredly.

“Spike?” Fred asked, her eyes becoming round.

“Oh boy,” Lorne stated shocked, “This is going to be one heck of a shindig folks.”

“Bugger. I must be in hell.”

“No, LA, but people make that mistake all the time.”

Spike lifted his eyes, and met Angel’s. He let out a soft growl. “What the BLEEDIN’ HELL IS GOING ON?”

---

A/N: Next one's the last one :D THIS is the dress Buffy'll be wearing, just in case you were curious.

It wasn’t the waves of demons surrounding her, and it wasn’t the complete absence of everyone who had begged her to come. It wasn’t even Harmony dancing like a lunatic in the middle of the floor that was bothering her.

Something was wrong; she could feel it crawling its way up her spine; those little chills that usually signaled, “vampire!” Her stomach lurched, and she had to lean against the wall. Her eyes were calm as she surveyed the party. Like someone watching from the outside she stood, and watched them all move past her oblivious to it.

Whatever it was.

Something was wrong.

Something crashed in Angel’s office; leaving her position against the wall she moved closer. She could hear Angel yelling, and there was another crash.

The shivers increased, and the breath she sucked in was shallow.

She couldn’t breathe.

The light pressure of fingers on her shoulder, interrupted her minor meltdown, and she turned to face Willow.

“Buffy, you look great!”

Taking in Buffy’s pale face, and her rapid breathing Willow grabbed her arm and guided her to a chair.

“What’s going on?”

“Something’s wrong.” Her words came out anxiously, as Buffy struggled to catch her breath.

“What? Buffy I don’t understand!”

She raised her eyes to meet Willow’s worried ones. “I don’t know…” she paused taking a breath, ”something just feels off. I just got this feeling…”

One second Willow was leaning over her protectively, and the next she was standing straight as a board, her eyes fixed on Angel’s office. Buffy watched Willow’s face change, her eyes shifted back and forth; she was communicating with someone inside the room. Willow broke the connection with whoever she had been speaking with inside the room, and sagged to the floor beside Buffy’s chair. Willow didn’t look at her, but rather stared at the floor avoiding eye contact.

“Willow?”

When she finally raised her head, her face matched Buffy’; pale, and her breathing was ragged. There was something in her eyes that Buffy couldn’t distinguish, and then the Slayer stood, defenses up, eyes hard and looked toward the office door.

“How bad is it Willow? What’s going on in there? I can feel something, and it isn’t good.”

Willow opened her mouth to speak, and the door to Angel’s office splintered into thousands of pieces. The people in question, who had in fact come though the door, were rolling around on the floor amidst the remains of the door.

She couldn’t see through the masses of people crowding around the fight, who it was. She strode purposely forward, squeezing through the various demons and humans.

“LET GO OF MY HAIR YOU IDIOT!” Angel’s voice roared through the room, and a collective murmur began among the observers.

“NOT UNTIL YOU TELL ME WHERE SHE IS YOU STUPID GIT!”

IT was those words that stopped her; turning she looked back at Willow who had tears streaming down her face. Behind her, the crowd had quieted, and the sounds of the brawl were silent. She didn’t turn as she felt the crowd part; she continued to stare at Willow. Her hands were shaking now, and strength in Willow’s eyes was the only thing holding her up.

She couldn’t breathe again, and she was too afraid to turn.

Willow broke eye contact then, her eyes shifting and focusing on something behind Buffy. It was in that moment that she knew, without a doubt that Spike was standing behind her. She could feel his presence, it was floating around her, surrounding her. She closed her eyes, and the tears seeped out from under her eyelids, leaving wet stains on her cheeks. It was safe there in the darkness, if she opened her eyes it would be a dream like before, and he would still be gone.

“Buffy luv…”

There it was; the irrefutable proof that shattered her tattered claim on denial. Buffy luv. The choked sob burst forth, and she covered her mouth with her hands to hold them in.

“No,” she whispered through her hands. “No, no, no.” She didn’t look behind her, and as she walked toward the elevator she willed her shaking legs to be strong. She may be emotionally unstable, but she wasn’t insane. Spike was dead, and this; this was some cruel Halloween joke someone had decided would be amusing.

She ignored the voices calling her name, and pressed the up button and gracefully entered the elevator. When she heard the clank of the elevator doors shutting, she allowed herself to breath. She reached out a hand, still facing the back wall and hit a button without looking. The elevator began its upward trajectory, and suddenly slammed to a stop.

Losing her balance Buffy crashed into the wall, and let herself slide down until she was slumped back against the wall. Buffy shuddered, her head resting on her arms, her eyes closed once more.

The shiver started at the base of her spine, and started to burn when it reached her ribcage, her heart. Her eyes snapped open on their own accord, and she lifted her head.

His fingers still hovered over the large red button labeled, “STOP”. Her eyes traveled upwards, slowly taking in his black clad form. When she met his piercing blue eyes, she sucked in a breath.

“They did a good job with you.”

He raised an eyebrow, and she had to bite her lip to keep from crying out. “Whatever it is you think I am pet, ‘m not.”

“Then what are you?” The words came out harsher than she intended, but she had little patience left; it was wearing as thin as she expected her sanity was.

“I’m me.”

She laughed then, a dry, amusement free laugh as she wiped the remaining tears from her eyes. “You’re dead, I saw you burn.” Her voice faltered on the last word. “Believe me, I’d like more than anything to believe that you’re really him, back from…undead, but it’s not possible. I’m not that crazy, yet.”

“Buffy,” Spike squatted down in front of her, reaching out one hand slowly, and lifted her chin with two fingers. “’M not a ghost, ‘m not The First, ‘m just me. I popped out of the sodding amulet in Angel’s office less than 10 minutes ago. I can’t explain it any better than you can. The last thing I remember is watching Faith try to drag you of the sodding Hellmouth, and suddenly I’m in the Poof’s office.”

His thumb wiped away a solitary tear trailing down her cheek, and she closed her eyes and leaned her face into his hand.

“I tried to get to you, but she wouldn’t let me. I needed to tell you,” another sob escaped her, “that I love you, but you were gone.”

It escaped her then, and she collapsed in his arms. She let the tears flow, and between sobs she breathed him in. It was there, the essence of whiskey and cigarettes that was Spike. Her tears soaked through his black t-shirt, and he finally sank to the floor of the elevator and drew her into his lap.

“Spike, I love you, I can’t do this without you. I don’t think I ever could.”

“You’ve always been able to do it on your own Buffy,” he murmured into her hair.

She lifted her head, and stared at him. “No, it’s not true. I always complained about the burdens of being a Slayer, walking alone, blah blah blah. But the thing is, I always had someone, Giles, my mother, Angel, Willow, Xander...you.” She placed her hand on his cheek, and smiled when he began to rub against her palm. “When, after you died, I let them all leave me. It just didn’t seem to matter anymore, for the first time I didn’t have the sole responsibility of saving the world, and all I wanted was to be alone, because I didn’t have you by my side.”

“Haven’t I proved I’ll always be with you Slayer? You’ll never be able to get rid of me; sodding death doesn’t even stick.” The corner of his mouth raised in a small grin. “I love you Summers, and your stuck with me, till the next time one of us dies, and gets resurrected.”

Her finger traced his lips, and she gasped as his tongue darted out, and licked a circle on her fingertip. “You really are real,” she said in awe.

“Thought you would have caught on to that by now luv,” he smirked and pulled her tighter. “We should probably take the elevator back down though so they don’t think I took a bite out of you or some bloody nonsense.”

Her hands gripped his arms, and she raised her head, “Let’s stay a bit longer.” She pressed her lips against his cool mouth, and as his tongue slid gently into her mouth she smiled inside.

They were finally home.

~END~