Invisible Ink

CHAPTER ONE

“Sometimes/I feel/You’re not listening/Sometimes/I feel/You don’t understand me/But I/Think I’ve/Got the answer/Already/Know what/You’re gonna say... Because I’m just a little girl you see/But there’s a Hell of a lot more to me/Don’t ever underestimate/What I can do/Don’t ever tell me how I’m meant to be/Cos I’m just a little girl/Just a little girl/How can I compare/What do I know/What have I got to share...” Amy Studt~ ‘Just a little girl’


“She’s gone.”

“Gone?”

“You’re lying- why are you-”

“Xander, she’s gone.”

“But-”

“Don’t make me say it Xander! Please!”

“She’s... Dead?”

“That’s what they told me.”

“But I don’t understand...”

“How?”

“They... The doctors say they don’t know what happened.”

“What d’you mean?”

“When she collapsed... Well, they couldn’t find anything wrong with her. That’s why I didn’t call right away.”

“She collapsed?”

“We were on our way back to the dorm when she just... She just...”

“Will it’s okay.”

“Xand, you don’t understand. She was so scared! She couldn’t feel her legs when she went down, then she blacked out. We weren’t even at the hospital when she died.”

“She...”

“Xand?”

“She... How could they not know what was wrong with her? How could they not save her?”

“I was with her and she...”

“She?”

“She was just so scared.”

“Shh, Willow come here. It’ll be okay honey.”

“I’m so glad you’re here.”

“I just can’t believe this.”

“How could this happen?”

“She was so alive yesterday.”

“This is too much.”

“I don’t know if I can handle...”

“Handle this world without her?”

“Handle having to be a normal person again.”

“I can’t believe she’s really gone.”

................................................................................

Spike was on his usual evening patrol when he heard the news.

So she was dead? He’d taken the news with a slight shrug of indifference, and proceeded to dust the vamps who had delighted in sharing it with him.

He felt... Well, to be honest he didn’t really feel anything.

Didn’t feel smug. Didn’t feel sad.

Really, he’d just felt slightly indifferent, as he was sure she would too, had their roles have been reversed and he’d been the one who’d collapsed and died for no reason in particular.

Just like a flaky chit like that to up and die for no solid reason. Leave her friends wondering.

Ever the mystery, that pretty blond Slayer. A mystery never to be solved, if her signed and dated death certificate was anything to go by, that is.

Spike took a single moment of silence, as the dust of his latest slay settled around him, to pay his respects to a girl who had infuriated him to his limit over the past three years.

He pushed his stake back into his back pocket and worried a little about her friends. His friends. Rupert, Joyce, Red and Xander- he’d gotten closer to them all these past few months and he knew how badly they’d take the Slayer’s death.

He knew they’d want to grieve, and, as much as he liked them, he didn’t know if he’d be able to cope, listening to them whine on about that useless little twerp of a girl.

It was true enough that since taking Giles up on his offer to switch sides and join the Scooby gang, he and Buffy hadn’t exactly become the best of friends. While friendship with the other Scoobies seemed to have thrived, he just couldn’t bring himself to like the girl who was the natural killer of his kind.

As it were, he seemed to have found common ground with all of her friends; sharing Rupert’s passion for good music, Red’s love for poetry and knowledge, Xander’s enthusiasm for the combination of pool and beer, and Joyce’s warm and open nature. In fact, the whole group, though resistant at first, had finally accepted and welcomed him as an official member.

The only person who ever seemed displeased with his presence these days was that snotty Slayer, who had continued to look at him with eyes of utter contempt each time he showed up for a Scooby meeting.

Things had started out civil enough; she’d even looked ever so slightly pleased when Rupert had announced that the ‘evil’ vampire Spike would be joining forces with them.

But pretty soon, things had changed drastically for the worse, and they hadn’t been sorted out since.

They’d gone months without speaking now, and, strangely it was Buffy who became quiet and slightly withdrawn from her friends. Spike felt a secret kind of satisfaction when they directed their patrol related questions to him, rather than to their useless Slayer, and when they invited him to the Bronze, whilst forgetting the quiet Slayer.

And somewhere along the way he seemed to have lost all the building respect he’d had her. First she’d joined the military group who’d implanted his blasted chip; then she’d split up with the pathetic army boy for no reason that he cared to hear her whittle on about, and before they had managed to retrieve any information on his chip and it’s uses. Or on Adam, the demon they had fought, and very nearly lost against, just a few months back.

She was bloody useless, that girl. And he couldn’t really say he was all too gutted by her death, other than the concern for his friends.

He cast a last look around the now empty cemetery, and then set off in the direction of Joyce’s place.

.................................................................

“Oh Spike.”

She pulled him into an impassioned embrace; pressing his face into her hair.

“Oh Spike- What am I going to do without her?”

“Shh.” he replied, stroking the hair that was obstructing his view. “You’ll be okay Joyce. You’ll be okay luv.”

“I can’t believe she’s gone!”

Spike had to grit his teeth, just a little.

“I know. I know.”

As much as he loved Joyce; too much pretending to care about her stupid bint of a daughter was really going to kill him.

“The other’s here?”

“In the sitting room. Here.”

She led him through the open door and into the lounge where various Scoobies sat slumped in obvious grief. They all looked up when he walked in.

“Spike!” Willow said appreciatively, standing up to embrace him. “It’s so good to see you.”

“You too Red. You holding up?”

She attempted a half smile, but fell at the first hurdle. “You know how it is.” she said instead. “You?” there was something odd reflected in her eyes as she posed this question to him, and it made him hesitate before giving his real answer.

Eventually he decided upon a simple shrug. “Didn’t know the girl like you lot did.” he said, feeling the desire to look away from her imploring gaze, “It’s sad.”

Willow was still giving him that haunting look, and finally he turned to Rupert who was accepting a mug of tea from Joyce.

“You okay there Watcher?”

The elderly man turned to his younger (looking) friend, offering him a weak attempt at a smile, but no answer to his ridiculous question. Of course he wasn’t okay. His daughter was dead. He’d probably never be okay again, as much as he’d always been mentally prepared for this very day.

He handed his tea back to Joyce, “Do you have anything a little stronger?” he asked. Joyce smiled at him sympathetically as she went to fetch the scotch glasses.

“Good to have you here man.” Xander said in a slightly deflated voice as he slapped a hand to the vampire’s back. “When did you... Hear...”

“Couple-a hours ago. Was out on a patrol.”

Willow pulled a face, trying to be comical though Spike could see tears glistening in the corners of her eyes, “Having a party were they?” she asked; her voice cracking over the question.

Spike felt suddenly bad for the girl he considered to be like a sister to him, and he pulled her into a hug, murmuring, “Doesn’t matter what they say Red. Don’t let it get to you.”

Willow snuggled herself against his chest, smiling slightly at the comfort she found there. “Will you stay with us a while?”

“Course.”

He pulled away as Rupert handed him a glass of whiskey, and he sat down to what he knew would be a horribly long night.

.......................................................

“Remember the time she-” Willow had to pause as she let out a spontaneous giggle, “The time she dumped a church organ on top of Spike?”

Joyce gaped, “She did no such thing!”

“Oh- she did.” laughed Giles, glancing at Spike who was grimacing at the memory. “Not that she did it on purpose of course.”

“Bloody bitch meant to do it.” Spike blurted, and he looked around at the faces which seemed to become immediately subdued. “I...”

“Spike...” Willow had that same strange look in her eyes again, “It’s okay. We know you didn’t mean to...” she faltered at the look Spike was trying to hide. “You...” Willow didn’t know how to ask, “You are sorry she died... Aren’t you?”

He looked away too quickly.

“Spike!”

“Course.” he managed eventually. The Scooby gang looked generally sated by his answer. All but Willow that is, who continued to look troubled.

Finally, after over half an hour of simply staring at him, Willow got to her feet, asking;

“Spike, can I talk to you outside for a moment.”

He looked at her with exasperation, but eventually nodded.

“Sure thing.”

He gave Joyce’s shoulder a gentle squeeze as he passed her. She smiled up at him trustingly, unaware of the fact that he knew, any minute now, he would be trashing her daughter’s memory.

“What is it red?” he asked, once they were alone.

“You’re not sorry.” she stated simply, her eyes glossing, “Buffy’s dead Spike, and you’re not sorry.”

He stared at her for a moment, eventually opting for the easiest way out, “I didn’t know her the way you and the gang did.”

“You knew her for three years.”

“Knew her. But I didn’t KNOW her. Not really.”

“But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be sorry that she died.” Willow looked down. “Just tell me you’re sorry. Just a little bit.”

When Spike didn’t answer, she slowly looked up to meet his hardened gaze.

“I’m not gonna say it.” he finally growled.

“Say it!”

“I’m not going to say I’m sorry when I’m not.” Spike cried, pent up resentment finally spilling out. “I hated her and she hated me. I refuse to disrespect her memory any more by pretending we meant more to each other than we did.”

“Spike- she didn’t hate you.” Willow tried.

“Hello! Which Buffy did you know?” Spike cried, throwing his arms up in annoyance, “We were hardly Paul and Barry Chuckle- She hated me.”

“She didn’t hate-”

“She HATED me.”

“Spike...”

“No.”

“Spike-”

“No!” he turned away from the red-head in annoyance, “I don’t wanna hear-”

“Spike, she was in love with you!”

Willow slapped her mouth as the words tumbled out, and Spike froze, still facing away from her,

“Spike...”

“...What... What are you talking about?” he asked, slowly turning to look back at her, “What do you mean?”

Willow looked slightly torn for a moment, before saying, “Nothing- honestly. Forget I spoke.” She hurriedly started walking away but Spike grabbed her instantly,

“Tell me Will,” he said, and she recognised the confusion in his eyes, “What the bloody Hell are you chatting on about?”

She opened her mouth; preparing to tell him another lie, but it froze on her tongue, and the truth spilled out instead. “She didn’t hate you Spike- she was in love with you. Truly.”

“How?” Spike questioned, “Wha... Since when?”

Willow closed her eyes, then gazed down at the floor. “We found some of her diaries when we were packing up her stuff...” she said, then she looked up at Spike, “I think you should read for yourself.”

“What?” he protested, “I’m not going to read her diary!”

“It’s the only way you’ll ever understand what she was going through.” Willow said sadly. A tear slipped down her cheek as she added, “I wish we’d known. Maybe we could have helped her.”

“She...” Spike didn’t know what to say. He didn’t want to be finding this out now- he wanted to be back in his safe oblivion where Buffy was merely another Slayer with a grudge against him. “Are you sure?”

Willow nodded, her eyes filling slightly with tears.

“But it doesn’t make sense.” Spike protested, “She... We... It just doesn’t make sense.”

“I understand it now.” Willow said softly. “I just wish we’d known. I wish she’d said something.”

Spike was shaking his head in adamant denial, his mouth still hanging open with disbelief. She was the Slayer. She didn’t love him- she couldn’t!

“Willow, I…”

The red-head led him upstairs to her dead best friend’s bedroom.

It looked exactly as it always had done, though Spike wouldn’t have known that, having never paid enough interest in the girl to be allowed access to her bedroom.

It smelt of her though, and he recognised that scent.

“Here.” Willow handed him a cardboard box full of oddly shaped and sized books. “I know diaries are meant to be private, but you’ll never truly be able to understand just what Buffy Summers sacrificed for you, without reading it all from her point of view.”

Spike took the box of books, still feeling utterly bewildered by the whole ordeal.

Then he sat down on the dead Slayer’s bed, and Willow left him alone.

Invisible Ink


CHAPTER TWO

“…Standing still/ but still moving/Lying down but not resting/Breathing air, suffocating/All the while, I'm debating/Life was never what I thought/Never what I wanted it to be/Had a plan, couldn't follow/Had a dream, it was hollow/Everywhere felt like nowhere/Everything was so boring/Life was never what I wanted/Never what I thought/Until you came and turned it all around/Oh, you found the peace of me/It was missing; it was broken/You put soul into it/Oh, you found the whole of me/I was empty, now I'm better/All my peace is back together” Natasha Bedingfield~ ‘The Peace of Me’




Spike stared at the box of books in front of him, trying to mull over the tangle of thoughts in his head.


Okay, so Red had said that the chit was in love with him when she died. Did that really change anything?


It wasn’t as if they were friends.


Spike rolled his eyes as he realised. If anything, this was a beyond-the-grave attempt by Miss Buffy Anne Summers to force him on a neat little guilt trip for not showing more anguish over her death.


Yeah. That had to be it.


Damn bitch; always trying to get one over on him.


Knowing her, she probably wrote in these ridiculous books purely as a way to continue being a pain in his arse after she was gone.


Of course, that would mean that she knew she was about to die.


And would also mean she was extremely lacking in any kind of life.


Spike rolled his eyes again. No. Of course she didn’t fill- he quickly counted- seven journals, just to piss him off.


As much as he hated to admit it… This was real.


“Okay.” He said, bracing himself. “Real.” The word still sounded encased in denial, even as he spoke it aloud.


He lifted the first book from the box.


God it felt wrong! These pages, the words written on them; they were the secret thoughts and feelings of the Slayer. A Slayer. Just another in the long line of stupid girls he was supposed to hate. Chosen for him to kill!


Reading her words, acknowledging that was also a person; well that would change things. That would make everything difficult and confusing.


And still, ringing in the back of his mind were those three horrifying words;


’She loved me.’


Spike shuddered. Then he looked down at the book in his hands.


Buffy Anne Summers read the cover page 1995.


Spike flipped through it, finding himself mildly unimpressed by the girls pre-Slayer life. Regular references to some bloke named ‘Tyler’ and way too many exclamations of ‘like, oh my God!’ for his poor mind to take. He snapped the book shut, and reached for the next.


1996.


Darker; more fear, especially as she came to understand what being a Slayer truly means. Spike shrugged. He still didn’t care.


1997.


Friends, happiness, Angel. Now he really didn’t give a damn.


1998.


Darker again; death. Loneliness. Several references to ‘that fucking peroxide pain in my ass’. He smirked. That was more like it.


1999.


Happiness again. Maturity. Looking forward to a future. Spike rolled his eyes, trying to feel smug at the idea that she would never have been able to live that planned future.


2000.


Finally. Words with relevance. Spike came back today he read, The idiot has some kind of chip in his head. Thinks he can ask me for help!


Yeah, that was the goddamned bitch of a Slayer that Spike was sure he remembered. Chaining him to a bath tub and mocking him with that succulent neck of hers. Bitch. Well, she’d gotten what she deserved.


Of course she had.


Spike sighed as he flipped through the pages, looking for the day. The day he remembered so clearly.


The day when, unhappily, all of this had truly begun.

………………………………………………………………..


May 4th, 2000


I woke up with that feeling. That feeling you get when you just know it’s going to be ‘one of those days’. One of those lets-screw-up-Buffy’s-life-some-more-because-I-don’t-think-that-it’s-already-screwed-up-enough kind of days.


It must be my Slayer senses or something, because I woke up this morning knowing that this was going to be a day of change.


And I really wasn’t wrong.


So Giles called me to his apartment about 3pm, and I thought he was going to be on my case again about spending too much time with the Initiative, and not enough time with the Scooby Gang (I mean, hello!! There is the certain issue of my oh-so-fine commando boyfriend who requires constant Slayer, uh… Supervision). I was all ready to face the frown-y faces of Xander and Willow, maybe even put up with a few orgasm comments from that Anya girl, but oh boy, was I in for a shock.


I got there at ten past three (since when did I ever arrive on time?) and found the apartment to be pretty much empty. That is, apart from the vampire sitting on Giles’ couch, looking extremely pleased with himself.


“Spike.” I said, raising an eyebrow at him for effect, “What are you doing here?”


And at that moment, Giles came strolling down the stairs, looking not even a little worried by the vampire’s presence.


“Ah, Buffy,” he said, with a smile tugging at his lips, “I do believe I have something very important to tell you.”


I looked at Spike who was still sitting; flicking through a magazine.


“What?” I asked, a little freaked by the situation. “Spike’s finally tripped over the edge and he’s sitting here patiently, waiting for me to call my (oh-so-fine) boyfriend to cart his ass off back to the Initiative?”


Giles looked momentarily shocked by my reply, but he was quick to hide it.


“No,” he said, somewhat sheepishly. “Spike and I have, in fact, come to an agreement with regards to his future within Sunnydale.”


“You mean he’s finally admitted that he’s a total Scooby-wannabe and agreed to join the not-so-dark side?” I joked with a giggle. Spike didn’t look up from his magazine.


“Exactly.” Said Giles, looking extremely pleased that I had guessed correctly. “Isn’t it fantastic?”


My mouth fell open. I… Seriously, there were no words.


Spike looked up. He grinned.


“That pleased, are we Slayer?”


I turned my horrified gaze onto him. Giles couldn’t be serious, could he?


“But we can’t trust him!” I insisted, jabbing my thumb in his direction whilst turning my eyes back to Giles, “I mean he… He’s evil!”


“Be that as it may, he is also chipped.” Giles replied. “Frankly the matter of whether or not he is still evil barely even comes into play, considering that he couldn’t cause any harm to us, or any other humans for that matter, even if he wanted to. Besides, he’s been fighting demons for weeks now, and it could be useful to have another fighter on the team, especially with you so busy with Initiative business these days.”


Okay, I really had no response to that, and I was still astounded that Spike hadn’t responded with his usually adamant ‘Hey!’ at the face that Giles had quite clearly referred to him as an impotent monster.


I just stared.


“Don’t you have anything to say Buffy?” Giles asked me, and I didn’t think I could, even if I did have something in mind.


My brain was just swimming, swimming with the idea of Spike becoming one of us. One of us. I mean… Sure- having an extra pair of hands couldn’t be a bad thing. And having someone else to share patrolling with me… Not exactly a bad thing.


But still, Spike?


Spike?


He grinned at me.


“How about it pet?” he asked, that infuriating accent of his, sending the strangest sensations up my spine. You know the sensations. Spike sensations. “You and me- beating the bad guys down. Could be a laugh.”


I stared at him. He was being sincere.


He really was.


And do you know what? I smiled. At him. Right into his face actually.


I smiled right into the face of my so-called mortal enemy.


My new-found ally.


And I realised that this could be the start of something. An allegiance. Two warriors fighting to keep this town safe. To bring those mother-fucking vampires down. (Bar Spike, obviously, since that would kind of defeat the object.)


And I also realised, that as long as he’s around… Maybe I won’t be so lonely.


Maybe this could work.


“Maybe this can work.” I said aloud, and he smirked, giving me the thumbs up sarcastically, before going back to his magazine.


Giles looked ecstatic and I felt… A change.


……………………………………………………
A/N: Thank you for the fantastic response to the first chapter. I hope this one was also to your liking, please review if you liked it =] and I promise there will be more soon!
Dee__x
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