Drusilla DeVille was dead.

It was Buffy Summers’ best friend, Willow Rosenberg, who told her about the accident. At first, Buffy wasn’t sure how to react. Drusilla had been the thorn in her side for the last two years, even though they’d never even talked to each other. Buffy knew who she was, of course, everybody did. Drusilla was a couple of years older, beautiful, rich and sophisticated, and for that, a lot of people envied her, some people even hated her. Buffy did too, but for a different reason, she didn’t care about money and stuff like that. But she hated the other woman more than all the pathetic girls that just wanted to be Drusilla. They envied her for her money and beauty. Buffy envied her, not for what she had, but for who. Him. The love of her life. Spike Pratt.

The thing was, even though they had been friends for years, Spike never knew how she really felt about him. Buffy couldn’t blame him, she’d never said anything, never given him any reason to think that her feelings for him were anything but just friendly. But still, deep inside, she couldn’t help but to think that if he really did care about her, like he’d claimed, he would know. Maybe she was being unfair, thinking like that. But love wasn’t always fair, and she loved him, so much that it actually hurt.

She had been the one to ruin their friendship, not him, and she knew that she had hurt him. Buffy didn’t want to stop seeing him, but it just hurt too much to be around him, knowing that it was Drusilla he went back home to every night, Drusilla’s bed he slept in, Drusilla he made love to. It was Drusilla he was in love with, not her.

Buffy and Spike had first met back in high school, and they’d immediately hated each other. She’d thought that he was a self centric, insensitive jerk, and he thought that she was an uptight, spoiled brat. Of course, they had both been wrong, and after a couple of weeks of constantly arguing and insulting each other, they had realized that they actually had a lot in common, both having lost their mothers at an early age, for one thing. They had started to get to know each other, and soon became close friends, almost inseparable, all through the rest of high school.

After they’d graduated, Buffy went to college and Spike got a job as a bartender at the local pub, but they still got together almost every day. They had dated others over the years, of course, but nothing that had lasted longer then a few weeks. Buffy didn’t know about him, but for her, the problem was that she kept comparing every single guy she went out with to Spike, and the other guys always lost. She didn’t care too much, though, for some reason she’d always thought that one day, Spike would notice her and realize that she was the one for him. And she was willing to wait. But that day never came.

When Spike had first started dating Drusilla DeVille, Buffy hadn’t been jealous right away. She’d thought that it was just a thing, that they would date for a little while and then go their separate ways. Because that’s the way it always was with him, a couple of dates but nothing more. Only, this time it was different. She would never forget how she felt when Spike told her that he loved Drusilla. He’d been so happy, telling Buffy that he’d finally found the one, the right girl, and that his feelings were mutual. Buffy had tried to be happy for him, she really had, but her heart had broken in a million pieces that night.

After that night, things had never been quite the same between them. Spike didn’t understand why Buffy suddenly started avoiding him, and she just couldn’t tell him the truth; that her heart ached when she saw him with Drusilla, so much that it hurt just to be around him. So she’d started telling him that she was busy when he’d suggested that she’d come over to his place for a movie night, and that she’d already made other plans when he wanted them to go out for coffee. It took a while, but eventually he stopped asking. Being around him when he was with Drusilla hurt, but not being around him at all made Buffy feel like a part of herself was missing. There was a time when she missed him so much, she actually thought she was going to die.

She’d seen him around town a couple of times after that, they’d said ‘hello’, but nothing more. Now, it had been months since she’d last seen him. She’d thought about him a lot, wondering what he was doing, if he was happy. Buffy’s best friend, Willow, was dating Spike’s cousin, Tara McClay, and through Tara, Buffy had learned that Spike and Drusilla were still together. She knew she should be happy for him, if Spike had been together with Drusilla for so long, it had to mean that they were really happy together.

And now, Drusilla was dead. A car accident, that was all Willow had told her, all she knew. Buffy hadn’t said much, but when she got home that night, she’d cried. Not for Drusilla, she couldn’t mourn the other woman, she hated her too much. And that made her cry even more, feeling like a terrible person since Drusilla had never done anything to deliberately hurt her. No, she’d cried for Spike, for his loss, knowing how much he had to be hurting. She wanted to go to him, but was too afraid. Afraid that he wouldn’t want to see her, that he would tell her to go away. And she wouldn’t blame him if he did, she knew he had every right to hate her.

Buffy knew she would always love Spike, but she would settle for just getting their friendship back. But it was probably too late for that now. Because of her, because she’d been too afraid to be honest with him and telling him how she really felt. But she would never give up hope, though. She had to believe that one day, maybe, she’d get the chance to make it all right.


TBC

It had been a week since Buffy found out about Drusilla’s death, and every day she longed to go see Spike. She almost called him a dozen times, and one night she was half way over to his apartment when she panicked, turned around and ran back home. A part of her wanted to say ‘hell with it’ and just go over there. But then she chickened out, afraid to find out that she was no longer welcome into his life.

Buffy wondered if Spike was ever thinking about her. Maybe he missed her just as much as she missed him. Maybe he wanted her to come over, maybe they could work everything out and be friends again, just like the last two years never happened. Yeah, right. She sighed, knowing that even if miracles did happen sometimes, it wasn’t likely it would happen to her.

If only she hadn’t been so stupid, such a coward! If she had told him, when he first started dating Drusilla, or even before that, how she really felt about him, what was the worst thing that could’ve happened? He could’ve turned her down, of course. But even if he did, wouldn’t it had been better to know? For both of them? Over the years, Buffy had often wished that she’d handled the situation differently.

She wondered were he was right now. Was he mourning his dead girlfriend? Probably. Was he alone? Buffy really didn’t want to know the answer to that. If he wasn’t, that meant that he had other friends, friends who wasn’t her. And that would be good, right? He deserved better friends that she had been. But still, she wanted to be the one to be there for him.

What if Tara had told him that she knew what happened? Then he would think that she didn’t care at all, since it had already been more than a week and she hadn’t looked him up. Nothing could be more wrong. Buffy cared, so much that she could hardly sleep at night. She couldn’t even remember the last time she’d been really happy, she’d been miserable for so long. Not that she would let anyone know that, of course. Whenever she was around her friends she put on an act, desperately trying to pretend she was still the same happy girl they expected her to be. Lies. Truth was, the happy girl she once had been, had died the same night Spike told her he was in love with Drusilla.

She also wondered about Drusilla’s death. Willow had been very vague, she had only told Buffy that it had been a car accident, and now Buffy couldn’t help wondering how it had happened. She didn’t want to know any details, she wasn’t morbid after all, but she wanted to know were Drusilla had been going. Home? To work? Had she been alone in the car? Was she the one driving? Was she an innocent victim for a drunk driver or something like that, or was she the one responsible for the accident? And where had Spike been at the time?

Buffy’s thoughts used to wander, keeping her awake for hours, before she finally managed to fall asleep. This night wasn’t any different from most others. She tossed and turned in her bed, unable to find a comfortable position. Finally she gave up, siting up with a sigh. She looked at her alarm clock. 3.15. Glancing over to the phone, she wondered if Spike was asleep. Back when they were still friends, Buffy sometimes used to call him in the middle of the night. Mostly when she’d woken up from a nightmare of some sort, or when she just could’t sleep. And he would never get angry at her for waking him up.

If she called him right now, would he be upset? Angry? Happy? She almost laughed. Why would he be happy to hear from her now, after all this time, and at this hour? It was more likely that he would just hang up on her, that was if he’d bother to pick up in the first place.

But what if he couldn’t sleep either? Maybe he would be happy to get someone to talk to, even if that someone was her. Maybe they could talk, and he would listen to her, letting her explain why she’d been such a bitch. And she would finally tell him the truth, that she’d been in love with him all this time. That was a great idea! Buffy groaned. Then what? Did she really expect him to forgive her, just like that? Maybe he’d tell her that her timing was perfect, since he’d just become single, and then they would live happily ever after. She snorted.

She should call him, just to see if he was okay. Maybe he needed someone to talk to right now, or maybe they could meet up for coffee or something the next day. She could tell him that she’d heard what happened, and that she was sorry. Right now she didn’t even care if he would yell at her, she just wanted to hear his voice. Buffy reached for the phone, then hesitated before dialling the number she’d memorized years ago. Was she doing the right thing? Did it matter? She started dialling, then hung up.

Growling with frustration, she dialled the number again, this time without hanging up. She counted the signals, two, three, wondering if she would panic again and hang up if he answered. Maybe Spike wasn’t even home. Maybe he…

“This better be good, know what bloody time it is?!”

Buffy did panic, but she didn’t hang up. She didn’t say anything either. Suddenly she felt like her tongue had grown twice as big, unable to form any words. Spike was home, and he had picked up. She opened her mouth to speak, but no sound came out.

“Hello? Who the hell is this?!”

Buffy swallowed, then took a deep breath. She was afraid he would hang up if she didn’t manage to say anything. But what could she say? Dammit! She should’ve rehearsed a couple of times before making this call. Or maybe she shouldn’t have called in the first place. Maybe this was a big mistake. Maybe…

“Look, whoever this is, I’m hanging up now.”

“No, wait! It’s me, don’t hang up!” Buffy’s eyes widened when she realized that she’d spoken. Her heart was suddenly beating so hard, she thought her chest was going to burst. This was it, after all this time she was finally going to talk to Spike again. There was no turning back now.


TBC

At first, the only response Buffy got was silence, and she feared that Spike had simply hung up. “Spike? Are you there?”

“Buffy?”

She let out a sigh of relief. “Thank God, I thought you…”

“What the hell do you want? Know what time it is?!”

Okay, so she’d been right when she figured he wouldn’t be happy to hear from her. Buffy swallowed, trying to get her emotions under control. She was afraid she might start crying, and that would be a total disaster. Taking a couple of shaky breaths, she finally spoke. “I…I’m sorry, I know it’s kinda late. Did I wake you?”

“Yeah, like you’d care about that. What do you want?”

He sounded so angry, so different from the way she remembered him. But on the other hand, back then he’d still liked her. “I…” Suddenly she didn’t know what to say. She’d called to see if he was okay, and to hear his voice, but she couldn’t tell him that now, could she? And even if he wasn’t okay, it wasn’t very likely that he’d want to talk to her about it. This was a mistake, she shouldn’t have called. She had wanted, so desperately for things to be okay between them again. But she should’ve known that it just wasn’t possible.

“I…I just thought we could, maybe, talk.” She spoke the last words so quietly, she didn’t think he’d even heard what she said. But he had.

“Talk?! It’s been two bloody years, and now, you wanna talk?”

This was bad, very bad. Desperately, she made a final attempt to get through to him. “Spike, I heard about the accident, and…”

*CLICK*

“Spike?” Tears started rolling down Buffy’s cheeks when she realized that he’d hung up. She dropped the phone, letting it fall to the floor, then buried her face in the pillow, sobbing into it quietly until she finally fell asleep.


~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Unable to go back to sleep, Spike got out of bed, muttering to himself. Stupid bint, why did she have to call? He’d been just fine without Buffy Summers for a long time now, and the last thing he needed now was her, trying to force her way back into his life. He stubbornly ignored the fact that there hadn’t been a day, for the last two years, when he hadn’t silently been hoping that she would contact him again.

He’d never figured out what he’d done to make Buffy hate him so much, that she wouldn’t even talk to him about it. Instead, she’d just started avoiding him and refused to return his phone calls, until he realized that she obviously didn’t want anything to do with him anymore. That had hurt him more than he thought was possible, he hadn’t just felt like he’d lost his best friend, he’d felt like he’d actually lost a part of himself.

And now, after all this time, she thought she could just call him, in the middle of the night, like nothing happened? To what? Talk? He snorted. She didn’t want to talk before, and he sure as hell didn’t want to talk now. So, she’d heard about what happened, and now she felt sorry for him? He didn’t want her pity. In fact, if he never heard another word from Buffy again, he’d be perfectly happy.

That was bollocks, of course. Spike still missed her, and now when he’d heard her voice again, he missed her more than ever. A part of him wanted nothing more than to call her right back, but he wouldn’t do that. He still had some pride left, after all. But he couldn’t help but wish that things had been different. If only he knew what he’d done wrong, in the first place. The only thing he could think of was that Buffy had, somehow, found out about how he really felt about her.

Spike had been in love with Buffy since the first time he saw her, although he hadn’t realized that at the time. He knew that she would never feel the same way about him, and didn’t want to lose their friendship, so he’d kept his feelings to himself. That’s why he’d been so relieved when he’d first met Drusilla. Not only was she beautiful, she’d also seemed to be truly interested in him. The fact that she also had a darker side to her, he chose to simply ignore.

If Buffy had still been a part of his life, he probably hadn’t stayed with Drusilla for as long as he had. Then, maybe, things had ended differently, but he wouldn’t go there, nothing good would come from thinking like that. Why did everything have to be so bloody complicated? And he had no one who he could talk to about it, no one who would understand, anyway. His friends had no idea what his relationship with Drusilla had really been like.

There had been some really good times, at the beginning of their relationship, at least. He and Drusilla had been very happy together for a while. And it had felt so good to have someone in his life that he was actually allowed to love. Before he’d met Dru, he’d never been much for serious relationships. He’d dated a lot of girls before, but not a single one of them could give him what he needed. There was sex, of course, but he could get that anyway. He’d never seen anything wrong with a one-night-stand, as long as he and the girl both would agree that it would never be anything more than that.

But with Drusilla, it had been different. She’d made it clear from the beginning that she wanted more than just sex, she wanted a relationship. He hadn't minded, he’d been amazed that the dark-haired, mysterious beauty actually wanted to be with him. He’d wanted to get his mind off of Buffy, and that had worked out just fine, since Drusilla had been her total opposite.

Spike remembered how happy Buffy had been for him when he’d told her that he was in love with Drusilla, and that was when he’d finally lost the last piece of hope that it could ever be anything between them. He’d secretly hoped that Buffy would be disappointed, that she’d give him some little sign that she wanted them to be more then just friends. But of course she hadn’t, and after that, things had just started to get down hill.

Buffy had started avoiding him, and he was stuck in a relationship he didn’t really want. He knew that he should’ve left Drusilla, but he hadn’t, mostly for two reasons. She obviously loved him, and he didn’t want to hurt her. But also, he’d wanted it to work between them. If he would ever truly get over Buffy, he needed Drusilla, he couldn’t do it alone. So he’d tried, and tried to be what she expected him to be. Although, it never seemed to be quite enough.

He’d never said anything, though. He didn’t want anyone to know that his relationship wasn’t as perfect as he’d made it seem. Everybody had thought that he was happily in love with Drusilla, and that was exactly what he’d wanted them to think. There was no way he’d tell them that he secretly still lusted for his lost friend. They wouldn’t understand.

Now Drusilla was dead. His friends had been so worried about how he’d handle it, but he had refused to talk to anyone about it. They thought he was mourning her, and he couldn’t exactly tell them the truth; that he was actually relieved. Relieved that it was all over.


TBC

There should have been screaming, he thought, people were always screaming in movies when they witnessed a horrible accident, but the night was silent, except for the crackling sound from the fire. Even the firemen, who were still trying to put out the fire so they could pull out the body, worked in complete silence. He knew then that he was dreaming, because he remembered how people, complete strangers, had been screaming and crying around him and he’d just wanted to tell them to shut up. The large burning item, that had once been a car, was now almost completely destroyed.

He remembered how he’d cut his hands and knees on the broken glass when he’d crawled out of the burning car, but when he now looked at his hands, there was no blood. Another thing he remembered from the first time around was the throbbing pain in his head from where he’d hit the windscreen. He didn’t feel that now, either. He watched how the firemen finally managed to get into the burnt out wreck of the car, knowing that this time they wouldn’t find a body. Because this time, there was no one in the car.

Drusilla stepped closer, a thoughtful expression on her flawless face. ‘Do you think she can still see the stars in there?’

‘You’re not in there, Dru.’

She raised her hand so she could see her palm. ‘I can feel the flames. It burns.’

He closed his eyes then, trying to block her out. But he could still see her. ‘You can’t feel anything. You’re dead, Dru.’

She laughed. ‘Yes, I am. Do you miss me?’ When he didn’t answer, her smile disappeared and she pouted, letting out a small whimper. ‘Is that why you didn’t want to save me? Because you are still mad at me?’

He shook his head in denial. ‘I did try to save you. I tried to get you out of the car with me, but I couldn’t, it was too hot.’

‘You didn’t try hard enough. I know a part of you is happy that I died.’

‘No. I never wanted this to happen. I just wanted you to be…’

‘Gone?’ Drusilla laughed again. ‘I am gone now, sweet William. Just like you wanted.’

The surroundings shifted, and he found himself standing in his bedroom. A man and a woman were lying in the bed. He swallowed, and took a step closer. ‘Dru?’

Drusilla sat up, smiling softly. The other man had a smug look on his face. ‘Willie! You’re here to watch the show?’

Spike felt anger welling up inside him, remembering this all too well. He turned around to glare at Drusilla who’d appeared behind him. ‘You said it wouldn’t happen again.’

She sighed and lowered her head. ‘My Angel. He used to take such good care of me. I miss him.’

‘I took care of you. You shouldn’t have gone to him.’

Drusilla raised her head, looking him right in the eyes.. ‘I’m sorry, Spike. I was bad. I deserve to get punished.’

He shook his head. ‘No.’

She smiled then, a wicked smile that made his skin crawl. ‘Yes. You know you want it.’

Suddenly they were the ones who were in the bed, Angel and the other Drusilla were nowhere to be seen. They were both naked. He was sitting up, looking down at her smiling face. He noticed that she had a split lip, and she was licking the blood away. Tensing up, he gave her a pleading look. ‘It wasn’t me who did that.’

She giggled. ‘You like it when I bleed. Makes you hot. Don’t you feel it?’

Taking a shaky breath, he shook his head again. ‘I don’t wanna hurt you. Don’t make me hurt you.’

‘But you do want to hurt me. I want you to hurt me. See how hard you are. Get inside me, William.’

Throwing himself on top of her with a strangled cry, he slammed his cock into her over and over again. She was so tight around him, causing him to moan with pleasure. When he was just about to come, she pushed him away. ‘Do it!’

He knew it would be coming to this. And yet he hadn’t objected. But it was okay. After all, this wasn’t reality anymore, it was just a dream. Right? Suddenly he wasn’t sure, and what was even more frightening; he didn’t care. ‘No, I’m not doing this.’

There was nothing playful about Drusilla now, her face twisting into an angry grimace. ‘Do it! I know you enjoy it as much as I do. You like to hurt me when you fuck me, do it!’ He tried to pull away, but she grabbed his arms to stop him. An evil grin appeared on her face. ‘My Angel didn’t mind doing it. Maybe I should just…’

He hit her then, causing her to gasp for air. Then he froze, realizing what he’d just done. ‘God, no…’ She just laughed. Still in a state of shock, he didn’t object when she pulled him back down on top of her. He slid inside her again, thrusting his still painfully hard cock into her, harder and harder until they both came with a roar.

When he could move again, he pulled away from her. His hands were shaking when he fumbled over the bed to find his clothes, only to realize that they weren’t there. Just a dream, it’s okay, he reminded himself. He turned his eyes back to Drusilla, who was still lying in the same position on the bed. Only, now her eyes were glossy and empty. Horrible large burn marks had appeared on her cold flesh.

With a horrified gasp, he scrambled away from the bed. Shaking his head in denial, he started backing away until he was standing up against the wall. He slid down to the floor, closing his eyes so he wouldn’t have to look at the dead body. A choked sob escaped from his throat. ‘I didn’t do this. I didn’t kill you!’

Drusilla knelt beside him, running her cold fingers over his cheek. ‘But you did, my sweet William. You left me to burn in that car. I would still be alive if it hadn’t been for you.’

‘No!’ He was sobbing now, tears streaming down his face. ‘I didn’t mean for you to die, I’m sorry! Drusilla, I’m so sorry!’


Spike woke up with a cry, gasping for air. His heart was pounding painfully hard in his chest. It took a moment before he realized that he was in his bed, that it had just been a dream. Or maybe ‘nightmare’ was more accurate. It was the first time he’d dreamed about the accident, he should’ve known that it would come back to haunt him sooner or later. He wiped at his face, trying to calm down and get his emotions under control. After a couple of minutes, he’d managed to relax a little, and got up, quickly pulling his clothes on.

He was heading for the kitchen, when there was a knock on the door, causing him to jump. He groaned, wanting nothing more than to just ignore it. The knocking started again, and he sighed. Whoever it was, it was obvious that they wouldn’t just give up and leave. He walked up to the front door and opened it.

“Look, this is really not a good…” He stopped when he saw who it was. The last person he’d expected to show up, the last person he’d wanted to show up, was now standing just outside his door. And here he’d thought that this morning couldn’t possibly get any worse.


TBC

Buffy knew, the moment she woke up, that she would go see Spike that day. Calling him in the middle of the night had been a bad idea, she couldn’t blame him for hanging up on her. She mentally cursed herself for bringing up the accident, it was obviously something he didn’t want to talk to her about yet, if ever. She knew that if she went over to Spike’s place, there was a possibility that he wouldn’t let her in, but she didn’t care, she had to at least try.

After taking a quick shower, Buffy got dressed and put on some make-up. She decided to wear her hair down, knowing that Spike had always loved her long blond hair that way. But it wasn’t like she was trying to look extra good for him, Buffy told herself firmly. No, it was for herself. If Spike rejected her, which was most likely, she’d probably feel a little better if she knew that she at least looked pretty. Yeah right, who was she kidding? Of course it was all for him.

Grabbing her car keys from the kitchen table, Buffy headed for the door. Then she remembered the letter she’d been writing last night, after her disastrous talk to Spike, and ran back into the bedroom to get it. She read it one last time before folding it neatly and putting it into her purse. After a final look in the mirror, she decided that she’d wasted enough time already, and hurriedly left the apartment.


~*~*~*~*~*~*~

“Hello William.”

Spike stared blankly at the man standing outside the door, obviously expecting to be invited in. “What are you doing here, Rupert?”

“You know, I’d prefer it if you’d call me ‘dad’. Even ‘Giles’ would be better than ‘Rupert’. I doubt that your grandparents were in their right minds when they gave me that awful name.” He laughed at his joke, looking as if he expected Spike to join him. When he got nothing, his smile disappeared. “Are you going to let me in?”

Sighing, Spike took a step back, allowing his father to enter. “Come on in, Rupert.”

Giles opened his mouth, as if to say something, then decided against it and stepped inside. He was carrying a large, brown suitcase, which he put down on the floor. Spike raised his eyebrows. “Planning on staying, I see.”

Looking both nervous and a little hopeful, Giles smiled again, glancing down at his suitcase. “Yes, as a matter of fact I am, though I’ll only be staying for a couple of days, then I’m going back to England. But I don’t want to be any trouble, I don’t mind staying at a hotel.”

Spike nodded. “Alright.”

Giles' face fell, and he suddenly looked annoyed. “Jenny and the girls are just fine, in case you were wondering.”

“I wasn’t.”

As if he’d expected that answer, Giles nodded. “Mind if we sit down? It was a rather long flight, and I hardly got any sleep on the plane.”

Realizing that his father wouldn’t just give up and leave, Spike sighed and gestured towards the couch. “Have some coffee if you want. Though you’d probably prefer tea, I wager, but…” He shrugged.

“No, no, coffee will be quite alright, thank you,” Giles hurried to answer, politely, and sat down. Spike nodded and headed for the kitchen. He came back a moment later with two cups of coffee, handing one of them to Giles, who smiled gratefully.

Spike sat down, on a chair, not on the couch. He wondered about the reason for his father’s sudden visit, having a feeling that he already knew what it was about. ‘Might as well get it over with’, he thought, and looked at Giles. “Gonna tell me why you’re here, then?”

Giles took a sip of his coffee before answering, as if he needed a moment to decide what the correct answer would be. “Well, I wanted to see you, of course. It’s been a while, I was hoping we could spend some time together. Maybe talk?” The hopeful look on his face was back.

“You wanna talk? About what?” Spike felt a headache coming up. What was it with people and talking, first Buffy, then his father? He didn’t want to talk to anyone, why couldn’t they just leave him alone?

Clearing his throat, Giles looked down at his hands. “I just thought you might needed someone to talk to. About what happened, I mean.” He looked up then, finally looking Spike in the eyes.

He shrugged. “You thought wrong.” Seeing that Giles was about to object, Spike went on before he could say anything. “If that’s all, how ‘bout we just leave it there. I got things to do, and you probably should go look for a place to stay.”

“Why are you being this stubborn? I just want to help!” Losing the last of his patience, Giles slammed his cup down on the table.

Before Spike could answer, and he had no idea what to say, there was a knock on the door, again. Now what?! Grateful for the opportunity to get away from Giles, he jumped up and headed towards the door. He should’ve expected her to show up sooner or later, he figured, but he was still taken by surprise when he saw who it was. “Buffy?”

“Hi.” Looking incredibly nervous, but still as beautiful as he’d remembered her, Buffy gave him a hopeful little smile. “I’m sorry to just show up like this, but…” She swallowed then, looking like she’d might cry. “Can I come in? Please?”

“Um…” Spike didn’t know what to say. Even though he was still mad at her, a part of him, the part that still loved her and always would, was actually happy to see her. Not to mention that the fearful look in her eyes almost broke his heart. After all this time, he still couldn’t bear seeing her hurt. Then there was his father. Another visitor might make him drop the subject and get up and leave, at least for now. With his mind made up, he nodded. “Alright.”


TBC

Buffy was both surprised, and happy when Spike told her to come in. Then she saw Giles, and immediately felt bad for imposing. It had never been a secret that Spike and his father didn’t get along since the death of his mother, and judging by the tension in the room, things were still the same. She smiled politely. “Hi, Mr Giles.”

Giles returned the smile. “Buffy! How lovely to see you. How are you?”

“I’m fine, thank you.” Buffy gave him an apologetic look. “I’m sorry, if this is a bad time… Maybe I should just…?” She looked at Spike, wondering what to do.

Spike shook his head, gesturing for her to sit down. “Rupert was just leaving.” He turned to his father. “That was fun. Must do it again some time. Have a nice trip back to the mother country.”

Giles cleared his throat. “I told you I was staying for a couple of days. Maybe we could get together again before I’ll go back?” He looked hopeful.

Spike slumped down onto the couch. “I’m busy the next couple of days. Got a lot to do, you know how it is.”

Sighing, Giles nodded. “Of course, I understand. I’ll let you know where I’m staying, in case you’ll change your mind.”

Spike shrugged. “Whatever.”

Trying to hide his disappointment, Giles turned back to Buffy. “It was very nice seeing you again, dear.”

Feeling very awkward, Buffy managed a smile. “You too, Mr Giles.”

Giles nodded, and left the apartment. Buffy swallowed, suddenly feeling like an intruder. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know your father was here. Did you say he was going to England?”

“Yeah, he lives there now.”

Buffy nodded, waiting for Spike to say something more, but he didn’t. She glanced around the room, nervously, trying to think of something to say. “So…your place looks…pretty much the same.” She cringed at how lame that came out, and hurried to add; “Not that it’s a bad thing or anything, I just meant…it’s nice. Here. The living room. I don’t know about the rest, because…well, I haven’t seen it. But I’m sure that it’s nice too.” Realizing that she was babbling, she blushed and looked down at her feet.

Spike didn’t answer, and Buffy was starting to get more than a little freaked out by his behavior. She looked up again, determined to start a conversation, whether he liked it or not. “So, how’s Giles?” The glare Spike gave her told her that it had been the wrong thing to say.

“Got married to a bird half his age, knocked her up three months later. Moved back to England about a year ago.”

“Oh.” Buffy had no idea how to respond to that. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know.” Spike merely shrugged, and she had to bite her lip to keep the tears from falling, feeling worse by the minute. He really must hate me, she thought, realizing that Spike probably invited her in just to get rid of his father. Now with Giles gone, it was obvious that Spike wasn’t interested in talking to her.

“Why did you come here now? It’s been two bloody years.” He sounded more than a little bitter, and Buffy couldn’t blame him.

She swallowed. “Actually, it’s been two years, six weeks and four days. Five days with today, but I don’t think today counts.”

Spike stared at her, surprised. “You been counting?”

Buffy blushed again, feeling very stupid. “Yeah.”

“Why?”

That's the million dollar question, Buffy thought, sighing. “I don’t know. I just…did.” He nodded, and there was silence again. Then she remembered the letter and reached for her purse. Pulling up the folded paper, she took a deep breath and handed it to him. “Here.”

Spike frowned. “What is it?”

He took the paper from her, and was about to look at it, when she panicked. “Wait! I… read it when I’m gone? Please?” He looked confused, but nodded. Buffy let out the breath she’d been holding, and got up. “I should probably go.” She was hoping that he would object, but he just nodded again. “Okay, I’ll just…be going now.” Heading for the door, she suddenly couldn’t get out of the apartment fast enough. When she opened the door, she looked back over her shoulder, giving him a small smile. “Bye.” He didn’t smile back, nor did he answer.


~*~*~*~*~*~*~

After Buffy had left, closing the door quietly behind her, Spike leaned back against the couch with a sigh. He realized that he’d been rude to her, but he just didn’t know how to act around her anymore. A part of him wanted to hug her close and beg her not to leave him again, another part told him to just stay as far away from her as possible, to keep from getting hurt again.

Now he looked at the letter she’d given him, wondering what it could contain, certain that whatever it was, it couldn’t be of the good. She’d told him to read it after she’d left, that meant that she didn’t want to be there to witness his reaction when he read it. That, or she was just embarrassed. Maybe she just wanted to tell him that she was sorry about Drusilla. After all, that was the reason she’d called him in the first place, right?

He should just read it, see what it said. Then he could decide if he should go talk to her again or not. He wanted to see her again. But he wasn’t sure that letting Buffy back into his life would be such a good idea. She’d hurt him before, and she still had the ability to do it again. Not to mention the fact that he was still mad at her, though maybe not as much as he wanted to be. Sometimes he wished that he could just hate her, then everything would be so much easier.

But the problem was; he couldn’t hate her, he loved her too much. All the time he’d been with Drusilla, no matter how hard he’d tried not to, he couldn’t stop thinking of Buffy, wishing that things had been different. But there was no point in thinking like that anymore. Buffy didn’t, nor had she ever, felt the same way about him. Sighing again, he opened the letter and started reading.


TBC

Buffy was nervous. No, actually, she was way beyond nervous. There was no turning back now, she’d given Spike the letter, and what would happen next was up to him. Would he read it? At least he’d said he would, right? But how would he react? Would he call her, or come over? She looked at her watch, realizing that it had been more than an hour since she’d left his apartment. He should’ve had enough time to read it by now. Maybe he was on his way over to her, right now.

Had it been the right thing to do? Buffy wasn’t sure, but it was too late to change her mind now. There was nothing she could do but wait. She was fidgeting, nervously, on the couch, unable to sit still. Jumping up, she headed towards the kitchen. Maybe some ice-cream would help take her mind off of Spike, at least for a little while.

Unfortunately, the freezer was empty, except for some frozen vegetables that probably had been in there for months. Grumbling to herself, Buffy opened the fridge, looking for something edible. She let out a disappointed sigh. Obviously, it was time to do some grocery shopping. Although, down at the bottom shelf, she spotted something that caught her interest.

Buffy didn’t usually drink, and she hadn’t bought the vodka herself, she’d gotten it as a present for her last birthday. She still hadn’t touched it, but now she opened the bottle, sniffing at its contents. Surely, it couldn’t be that bad? She poured some of the transparent fluid into a small glass she got from the kitchen cabinet, and was just about to have a taste, when her cell phone rang. Letting out an ‘eep’, she rushed into the living room where she’d left her purse, the vodka completely forgotten.


~*~*~*~*~*~*~

‘Spike’ His name was on top of the letter, written with the neat handwriting he still recognized.

‘If you’re reading this, then I guess it means that either you won’t talk to me, or I chickened out. Again. Maybe it’s better this way. I don’t know if I’d been able to tell you this face to face, anyway.’

After that, a couple of sentences had been crossed out, multiple times, it was impossible to see what the words had been. Spike was curious, but gave up trying to see through the layers of ink, and kept reading.

‘The thing is, I love you…’

What?! Spike froze in his tracks, sitting up abruptly. Certain that he’d been mistaken, he read the last six words again, and again. It still said the same thing, he hadn’t been hallucinating. In a state of shock, he hurriedly went on.

‘The thing is, I love you, and have done so for years now. Didn’t you ever wonder why the few relationships I had, back when we were still in high school, never lasted longer than a week? That’s because the guys I was involved with weren’t you.’

Spike stared at the letter, feeling like his head was spinning. Was this some bad joke?

‘When you started dating Drusilla, I tried so hard to be happy for you, but I couldn’t. I know that I was a bad friend, but it broke my heart to see you with her. That’s why I started avoiding you, I know how much you loved her and I couldn’t handle it. I’m so sorry…’

Spike swallowed, putting the letter down. So, all this time when he’d been secretly in love with Buffy, she had felt the same way about him? He let out a bitter laugh, realizing the irony of it all. Buffy had never told him about her true feelings, because he’d been with Drusilla. But if she had told him, he would’ve dumped Dru without a second thought. He took a deep breath, and picked up the letter again.


~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Almost sobbing with frustration, Buffy finally hung up the phone, scared out of her mind that Spike had been trying to call her when she’d been on the phone. She’d been so sure it was him, but it had only been Willow, wondering if Buffy wanted to join her and Tara for lunch. Buffy had told her that she was busy, and tried to finish the conversation immediately, but Willow hadn’t taken the hint, she’d talked non-stop for almost ten minutes, before Buffy had managed to intervene.

Suddenly remembering the glass of vodka she’d poured herself before Willow had called, Buffy went back into the kitchen. If she’d been a little freaked out before, now she was almost panicking. Hesitating a little, she picked up the glass and took a small sip. Swallowing, she made an ‘eew’ face, as the alcohol made her feel like the inside of her throat was burning.

Grimacing, she put the glass down, thinking that she wasn’t that desperate, at least not yet. Leaving the glass and the bottle in the kitchen, she went back into the living room and sat down on the couch again. Maybe she could watch some tv instead. Reaching for the remote, she leaned back on the couch with a sigh. If Spike had called, and the line had been busy, surely he would call again. With that hopeful thought in mind, she managed a small smile and turned on the tv.


~*~*~*~*~*~*~

‘I’m so sorry for not having the guts to tell you the truth. I…’

More words had been crossed out, and there were some stains on the paper, that he thought could possibly have been made by tears. Buffy's tears.

‘…don’t blame you if you hate me and never want to see me again, but I had to let you know how I feel. Even if it’s too late for us to ever be friends again, I just want you to know that I miss you, and I always have, ever since the moment I walked away from you. I’m not asking you for anything, I know you’ve never felt the same way about me, but please, if you can find it in your heart to just give me another chance, I want to try to make it okay again. If you don’t want to, I understand and I won’t bother you again. But if you do, you know where to find me. That’s all I had to say.

One last word was crossed over, before Buffy had signed the letter with her name, and Spike suspected that the word had been ‘love’. He read the whole letter again, and felt anger welling up inside him. So much pain could’ve been avoided if Buffy just had been honest with him in the first place. How could she possibly expect things to ever be the same between them again? Furiously, he crumpled up the letter and threw it on the floor.


~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Almost two hours later, Buffy’s hope had faded. She still hadn’t heard a word from Spike, and she was starting to doubt that she would. Suddenly angry, both at herself and him, she got up and went back into the kitchen for the third time. The glass of vodka was still standing on the kitchen counter, where she’d left it, almost calling to her. This time she didn’t hesitate before picking it up and swallowing down what was left in the glass.

Again, her throat was burning, but this time she didn’t care. She picked up the bottle and was just about to refill her glass, when she changed her mind. Instead she took a big swig, right out of the bottle. It wasn’t so bad after all. With a shrug, she went back into the living room, this time taking the bottle with her.


TBC

Instead of making her feel better, like she’d expected, the alcohol had the opposite effect and after yet another hour, Buffy was more depressed than ever. Depressed and drunk. Also, she was starting to get pissed. How dared Spike just ignore her like this, after her pouring her heart out to him? She’d finally told him exactly how she felt, explained everything, and he couldn’t even pick up the phone and call her. Even if he couldn’t forgive her, he could at least have the decency to tell her that to her face.

A part of her knew that he didn’t owe her anything. He’d accepted the letter, that was more then she had the right to ask for. But she’d been naïve enough to think that if she’d just get the chance to explain, everything would be okay. Of course, nothing was ever that simple. For a moment, Buffy considered going back to his place, demanding that he’d talk to her. But luckily, her head was still clear enough for her to realize that it was a bad idea. She groaned with frustration, and took another swig from the bottle.

She jumped at the sound of the phone, not daring to get her hopes up. “Hello?”

“Buffy, hi, it’s me again.”

Buffy sighed. “Hi, Willow. Whasup?” She frowned at her sudden difficulty to speak clearly, and tried again. “What’s. Up?” Then she smiled, pleased with herself.

There was a moment of silence, then she heard Willow’s voice again. “Buffy? Are you okay? You don’t sound too good. Are you…”

“Drunk? YES! We have a wheener! Wi-nner.” Buffy started giggling, madly, and managed to drop the phone on the floor. She picked it up, and brought it back to her ear. “Sorry, dropped the phone. Did it hurt?” That brought her into another fit of laughter, and she had to gasp for air. “Willow?”

“Yeah, I’m still here. Buffy, what’s going on?! It’s the middle of the afternoon, and you’re drunk? This isn’t like you, what happened?”

Buffy stopped laughing, abruptly. Then she choked back a sob. “Willow, I’m so miserable! He hates me, and I just wanna die!”

“What? Who? Never mind, I’m coming over. Hold on, and don’t do anything stupid!”

Before Buffy had the chance to object, Willow was gone. She sighed, suddenly very tired. The bottle was almost empty, and she was starting to feel more than a little bit dizzy. Swallowing the last of the vodka down, she leaned back on the couch, closing her eyes to keep the room from spinning. A wave of nausea came over her, and she let out a pitiful whimper. Never before had she felt so incredibly sorry for herself.

Somewhere, far away, there was the sound of the phone again, but Buffy was too far gone to care. She was beyond tired now, she was exhausted, and all she wanted to do was sleep.


~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Spike hung up the phone, both relieved and disappointed that Buffy hadn’t picked up. He’d had no idea what to say to her if she had, but he’d called her anyway, wanting to hear her voice again. Maybe it was for the best, he thought. He needed some time to think, before he could decide what to do with the information he’d just received.

‘Think about what?’ an annoying little voice piped up. ‘She loves you... you love her. Just go to her and stop acting like a bloody ponce!’

He shook his head, as if to clear it. No. He couldn’t do that. Not that he didn’t want to, but everything was just too complicated. He wanted nothing more than for things to be okay between them again, but he just didn’t know if that was possible. Too much had happened, things that couldn’t be taken back. Sure, he loved Buffy and probably always would, but he was terrified of getting hurt again.

Of course, he’d have to talk to her again, sooner or later. But he should wait a couple of days, until he’d decided what to say to her. Buffy had said, in the letter, that she didn’t expect anything, that she just wanted him to know how she felt. Could he tell her how he felt? He wasn’t so sure. A part of him wanted, desperately, to at least get their friendship back, if nothing more. He had a feeling that he could talk to her, about everything that had happened, and she’d understand. But was he ready for that? Would he ever be ready for someone to find out the truth?


~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Buffy woke up with a start, for a moment having no idea where she was, or what had woken her. Then, there was a knock on the door, that clued her in. Struggling to sit up on the couch, vaguely remembering talking to Willow, she finally managed to get up. ‘Uh-oh, bad, bad idea,’ she thought as her feet refused to keep her up, and she almost crashed into the coffee table.

She’d only slept for half an hour, and was still very drunk. The room was spinning so much that she couldn’t even see which way the door was. Thankfully, another knock made it possible for her to locate it, and she started towards the direction of the sound, legs wobbling. Half way there she stopped, suddenly certain that she would throw up. Taking a couple of deep breaths, she managed to hold it down, and started walking again.

Finally reaching the door, she had to fumble for a moment with the handle, before she managed to turn it and get the door to open. Buffy closed her eyes, part to keep the room from spinning, and part for not having to see the worried look on Willow’s face.

“Buffy? Bloody hell, what happened?!”

Buffy’s eyes snapped open, and she found herself staring into a couple of blue eyes. ‘No, no, no, this isn’t happening, not now, he can’t see me like this!’ “Spike? What…what are you…” That’s how far she got, before she gasped, bend over and threw up, just barely missing Spike’s feet.


TBC

Buffy blinked a couple of times, before looking around the room, trying to remember what happened. Her head was throbbing, and her mouth felt like something had crawled in there and died. She realized that she was lying on the couch in the living room, but she couldn’t remember getting there. In fact, the last thing she remembered was… ‘OH MY GOD!’ She jumped up from the couch in panic, immediately regretting the sudden movement. But not even the headache was able to block out the flashbacks, now starting to come back to her.

‘Please, God, tell me Spike didn’t come over and I threw up on him!’

Maybe it had just been a dream. Maybe she did fall asleep here on the couch, and just dreamed that Spike was here. Maybe…

“Feeling better, pet?”

‘Or maybe not.’ She slowly turned her head around, and noticed Spike sitting in the arm chair next to the couch. Closing her eyes, Buffy groaned. “Just do me a favour and kill me.”

Spike chuckled a little. “That bad, eh?” Then he suddenly seemed to remember something, and cleared his throat. “Um… you might wanna take a shower or something, I’ll just…” He started to get up.

Buffy struggled to sit up on the couch. “Wait! Don’t go!”

“Not going anywhere. Just thought I’d fix you something to eat, make you feel better. Go get yourself cleaned up, then we'll talk, yeah?”

She swallowed, nodding. “Okay.” Half expecting him to be gone when she came back, she got up and headed towards the bathroom.


~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Twenty minutes later, after showering and putting on some new clothes, Buffy felt a little better. She found Spike in the kitchen, making coffee. A plate with sandwiches was standing on the table. He looked up when Buffy entered the kitchen. “Looking better.”

She gave him a small smile. “Feeling better.”

He nodded. “Good. Sit down, coffee’s almost done. Or maybe you’d want some juice instead?” He looked uncertain for a moment, and she hurriedly shook her head.

“Coffee’s fine. Thanks.” She sat down, watching him as he joined her at the table. “You’re here.”

He gave her a funny look. “That I am. Though, I wasn’t sure if…” He was interrupted by the phone ringing, and rolled his eyes. “That’s probably Willow. She came rushing in here earlier when you were sleeping, yelling something about you were dying. I told her that you were just drunk. Mind telling me what that was about?”

Buffy groaned, getting up again and reached for the phone. “She called me earlier. I might have said something that worried her. I better talk to her.”

Spike got up and made himself busy pouring up coffee, while Buffy spoke to Willow on the phone. A couple of minutes later she hung up. Sitting down again, she rested her head on the table. “I’m so stupid! And my head hurts. Hangovers sucks!” She pouted. Then she reached for a sandwich and took a bite. “Mmm. This is good.”

Handing her a cup of coffee, Spike once again sat down next to her. He looked at her for a moment, before speaking. “Buffy, I owe you an apology. I acted like an ass when you stopped by earlier, I’m sorry.”

Buffy stared at him in bewilderment. “You’re apologizing to me? Are you kidding me? I thought you hated me!”

Spike shook his head. “No, I…” Suddenly realization hit him. “Is that why you got drunk? Because of me?” Looking down at her sandwich, not wanting to look him in the eyes, Buffy mumbled something. “What’s that?”

She sighed and looked up again. “Yes. I know, not one of my best ideas. Never again, I tell you. Alcohol and Buffy definitely don’t mix.” He opened his mouth to say something, but she went on. “At first I was really angry at you. You hurt me when you didn’t want to talk to me before. Then I realized how much I’ve probably hurt you, and got angry at myself. Hence the drinking. I wasn’t going to drink so much, but I was really upset, and suddenly the bottle was empty. I won’t do it again.”

He nodded, but didn’t say anything. Buffy gave him a pleading look. “Can you ever forgive me? For everything?”

Looking away, Spike sighed. “Buffy, it’s not that simple…”

She interrupted him, a desperate note in her voice. “Do you even want to forgive me?”

He looked at her then. “Yes.”

“Will you try?”

“Buffy…” He hesitated. “About that letter, is it true?”

Buffy glared at him, suddenly feeling angry. “What kind of question is that? Do you think I’d just make something like that up?! You have any idea how hard it was to write that letter and give it to you?”

Having the decency to look ashamed, Spike put his hand on top of hers. “I didn’t mean it like that, I’m sorry. I just…” He stopped, obviously not sure of what to say.

Looking down at his hand, covering hers, Buffy blinked away some tears. “I wish we could just…” She swallowed. “I wish the last two years never happened.”

Spike nodded. “Me too. But that’s not…”

“I know.” Buffy looked up again, and their eyes met. “I miss you.”

“I miss you too. But so much has happened, I don’t know if…” Spike sighed again. “Look, you’re not the only one who’ve made mistakes. I…” Suddenly he didn’t know how to go on. Should he tell Buffy the truth; that he felt the same way about her? How would she react? There were so many things they needed to talk about, but was this the right time?

He quickly made up his mind, he’d tell her everything, but not right now. He gave her hand a small squeeze. “Maybe we both need to try forgiving each other.”

Buffy’s eyes were full of hope when she looked at him. “Really? After everything, you think that’s possible?”

Was it? Could they ever get past everything that had happened, and start over? Spike wasn’t sure. Was he willing to give it a chance? Not like he had anything more to lose. And he had missed her like crazy. He took a deep breath, and looked her straight in the eyes. “I wanna try.”


TBC

The next day, though, if anyone had told her a couple of days ago she would’ve laughed bitterly, Buffy felt better than she had in a long time. After Spike had left to go to work, she had immediately gone to sleep and slept for the rest of the night. And now, the morning after, she still had a slight headache, but not nearly as bad as it had been last night. Also, she had a feeling that even the worst hangover wouldn’t be able to take away her good mood that morning. She had woken up with a smile on her face, and hadn’t been able to stop smiling since.

They had talked a little last night, sure, it hadn’t been one of their deepest conversations, but still, they had talked. And today, in a couple of hours, she was meeting Spike at the Espresso Pump for lunch. ‘It’s not a date, it’s not a date,’ she kept telling herself. Of course it wasn’t a date. Back when they were friends, they used to go out for lunch all the time. A part of her wanted it to be a date, she couldn’t deny that, but she would settle for just having their friendship back.

Of course, just because she and Spike were talking again, it didn’t mean that everything was okay and forgotten. She couldn’t fool herself, she knew that there were still issues to be dealt with, from both sides. But they had agreed to just take things slow, one step at the time and see what would happen. And she was okay with that. Hell, she was more than okay with that, it was more than she had ever hoped for.

Buffy groaned with embarrassment when she recalled last night. What had she been thinking, getting drunk like that? And then she’d tossed her cookies in front of Spike, practically turning herself inside out. She should consider herself lucky he hadn’t just turned around and ran. Instead he’d taken care of her, and then stayed with her until she came to again. A part of her still found it hard to believe that he’d done that. But then of course, he’d always taken care of her. Before, that was.

When her mother had passed away, back when they were in high school, Buffy had just lost it. Unable to handle her grief, she’d started hanging out with a different crowd, mostly a girl named Faith Lehane. Even though none of them had been nearly old enough, they hadn’t had any problems getting in to the local night club; The Bronze, where they had been drinking and dancing all night.

Faith didn’t need a reason, she just got off on breaking the rules, but Buffy just wanted to escape. And that night, for a couple of hours, that was, she’d succeeded. It had been past midnight when she had decided to leave, but Faith had refused to come with her, the dark haired girl had wanted to stay. Not wanting to get into an argument, Buffy had left the night club on her own. The next day, Faith hadn’t showed up in school. In fact, Buffy never saw her again. She found out later that Faith had been raped in an alley, by three older men, that night. After that, her family had left town.

Buffy and Spike hadn’t been friends back then. They’d known each other by name, but when they’d met in the corridors, or in the classrooms, in school, their conversations had mostly consisted of them trading insults. For some reason, they could hardly stand each other back then. Until that one day, which she’d always remember.
Angry at the world, not able to understand why everyone had to leave her, Buffy had ditched class and was sitting alone under a tree outside the school building. Wanting to be alone in her misery, she’d snapped at Spike when he had showed up, and he had yelled right back at her. After a couple of minutes of arguing, for no reason at all, except the fact that they were both at the same place at the same time, Buffy had, to her great horror, simply lost it and burst into tears.

Spike had been taken aback by her sudden breakdown, but he hadn’t laughed, or made fun of her, like she’d expected. Instead he’d mumbled an apology, even though it was Buffy that had started the argument. Then he’d sat down, next to her, awkwardly patting her shoulder. When she’d calmed down a bit, Buffy had found herself telling him everything that had happened, including the death of her mother.

He had listened to her without interrupting, and when she was done, he’d told her that his mother had passed away too, a couple of years earlier. Suddenly feeling like there was a connection between them, the dam had broken and they had ended up talking for hours. They both got to see the other one for who they really were, behind the masks they’d put on in front of the rest of the world. That had been the beginning of their friendship, and after that day, Buffy and Spike had been almost inseparable.

That was, until two years ago. But now it seemed like things would start to get better again. Buffy knew better than to think that everything would be just like before, just like that. But maybe, some day, it would. Whatever would happen today, it was a start, and they would have a foundation to start rebuilding their friendship on, a shaky one at that, but a place to start all the same. Buffy smiled to herself, as she absently ran a brush through her long hair. She would go see Spike soon, and they would hang out, just like before.

Even if he’d never feel the same way about her, because she still loved him and probably always would, they would finally be a part of each others lives again. She looked at her watch, and realized that it was time to go. Finally, Buffy thought, it looked like the nightmare, that had been the last two years, was about to end. With a happy little sigh, she grabbed her car keys from the table, and headed for the door.


TBC

‘Dru? You in here, pet?’ Spike opened the door that led into the bedroom. The light was off, but he could see a dark figure, huddling on the bed. ‘There you are, luv. What are you doing?’ He reached for the switch, and turned the light on.

Drusilla was siting on the bed. Her eyes lit up when she saw him. ‘Spike! You’re home.’ She reached out a hand towards him. ‘Come over here.’

He walked over to the bed and sat down. ‘Why are you siting here in the dark?’

Tears started welling up in her eyes, and her bottom lip was suddenly trembling. ‘I’m so sorry, my sweet William. I’ve been very bad.’ He frowned, and reached out his hand towards her face, trying to wipe away her tears, but she wouldn’t let him. Instead she pushed his hand away. ‘Your princess misbehaved today. She needs to be punished.’

‘What are you talking about’ Spike was confused. Everything had been just fine when he’d left, earlier that morning.

‘My Angel was here. Here, in the bed. He showed me the stars. I think I can still see them.’ Drusilla leaned her head back, so she could look up at the ceiling. ‘Such pretty little stars…’

Spike stared at her, not wanting to believe what she’d just told him. ‘Dru, why would you…’ He swallowed. ‘Don’t you love me?’

She smiled, a sad little smile. ‘I do. I love you very much.’

‘Then why?!’ She reached out for him then, but he pulled away from her. ‘Don’t bloody touch me!’

Drusilla moved closer, until she was siting just next to him. She tried to wrap her arms around him and kiss him, but he pushed her away, hard. She laughed, softly. ‘You want to hurt me.’

He took a deep breath, trying to calm down. ‘No, I don’t want to hurt you. I just wanna know…’

She interrupted him. ‘Because that would be okay. You should hurt me. I don’t mind.’ Shaking his head in denial, Spike tried to get up, but Drusilla grabbed his arms to stop him. ‘You have to punish me!’

‘I’m not going to hurt you, Dru! You’re a real sack of hammers if you think I’d do something like that. What the bloody hell’s wrong with you?!’ She was starting to make him nervous, he had never seen this side of her before. Sometimes her behavior could be a wee bit eccentric, sure, but this was more than that.

‘Spike…’ Drusilla made another attempt of getting closer to him, trying to climb up into his lap. ‘Sometimes, pain could be good. Could make you hot.’ She started kissing his neck.

Determined not to give in to her games, Spike grabbed her shoulders, holding her away from him. ‘Stop it, Dru, I’m not in a mood for this. You just told me you’ve been with someone else, in our fucking bed! You really expect me to just forget that and shag you?!’

Letting out a furious cry, Drusilla grabbed his arms again. ‘Punish me! You know you want it! Do it!’ She was almost yelling now, starting to get desperate. When he once again pushed her away, she started pounding on his chest with her fists, whimpering.

That’s when he lost it, and hit her, not very hard, but the blow still caused her to fall back on the bed. In a state of shock, he stared at her as she started laughing. ‘Dru? Oh God, I’m so…’


Spike woke up with a gasp, looking around the room in panic for a moment, before realizing that it had just been another nightmare. He looked at the alarm clock, and sighed when it only showed 3.50. It was still the middle of the night, he’d just been sleeping for a couple of hours. He’d been working the late shift at the pub, and hadn’t gotten home until after midnight. In less than eight hours, he’d be meeting Buffy for lunch, he needed to get more sleep.

Closing his eyes again, Spike tried to force the disturbing images away. He didn’t want to think about Dru, that part of his life was thankfully over. Now, when she was gone, he had a hard time understanding why he hadn’t ended their twisted relationship after that night. But she had been so manipulating, convincing him that there wasn’t anything wrong with what they did.

After that night, he’d realized that Drusilla was seriously into sadomasochism, she got off on getting hurt during sex. He hated hurting her, but at the same time, he couldn’t deny the fact that it turned him on when he saw how much she enjoyed it. He’d lost counting on how many times he’d promised himself that it would never happen again. But she was very persistent when there was something she really wanted.

He’d forgiven her for sleeping with Angel. She’d promised that it wouldn’t happen again, and after what he’d done to her, he’d felt so bad that he’d been willing to do anything she asked. He’d wanted nothing more than to forget the whole thing. But of course, it did happen again. And again. It took a while before he realized that she slept with Angel just to make him angry at her. Because it was only when he got angry, that she could manipulate him into hurting her.

One time, he had confronted her about it, telling her that either she’d stop screwing others, or he’d walk out on her. Drusilla hadn’t taken it well. After hours of hysterical screaming and crying, she’d locked herself into the bathroom and swallowed down half a bottle of sleeping pills. Later, he came to the conclusion that if she’d really wanted to die, she’d taken the whole bottle. But at the time, the guilt he’d been feeling when he’d taken her to the hospital knew no limits. That was the one and only time he’d threatened to leave her.

She’d been so regretful, crying and telling him over and over again how sorry she was, how much she loved him. And he’d forgiven her. He’d never told anyone about what happened, and after a couple of days, their relationship was back to normal. Deep inside he knew that Drusilla really did love him, in her own ways, but still. And a part of him had loved her, as well, even though he wasn’t in love with her. But he’d wanted to be.

Spike wondered if he could ever explain his relationship with Drusilla to Buffy. He wanted to, but he was afraid of how she’d take it. He knew that their relationship hadn’t been healthy, and he was terrified that Buffy wouldn’t understand, hell, he didn’t even understand it, and leave him again. He also knew that if he and Buffy ever would be able to have some kind of relationship, friendly, or romantically, they needed to be honest with each other from now on.

He would have to tell her everything. And then, he could only pray that she wouldn’t be completely horrified and run out of his life again, this time for good.


TBC

“Sorry, pet, missed that last part. You were saying?” Spike gave Buffy an apologetic look, mentally cursing himself for not paying enough attention, and letting himself get lost in his own thoughts. He cringed at the disappointed expression on her face, figuring that he was probably being the worst company ever.

“You haven’t heard a word I said, have you?”

It was more of a statement than a question, and Spike felt like a right ponce. “Sure I did. You were talking about…” He stopped, realizing that he had absolutely no idea.

Buffy sighed, giving him a tired look. “If you didn’t want to come here today, why didn’t you just say so? If you’re having second thoughts about this…”

“No!” His eyes widened as he realized what she must be thinking. “Look, I’m sorry. I just…had a bad night, is all. Didn’t sleep so well. No second thoughts. Really.”

She didn’t look totally convinced, but nodded. “Is everything okay?”

Spike hesitated, not sure of how to respond. After waking up from the nightmare, he’d failed to go back to sleep, and was now beyond tired. But he didn’t want Buffy to think that he didn’t want to be here with her. Not to mention the fact that things were still too fragile between them for him to start bothering her with the details of his miserable life. He wanted to talk to her, but was also afraid of scaring her away.

He gave her a smile that he hoped would be assuring. “Everything’s fine. Just a bit knackered. What were we talking about?”

Buffy rolled her eyes, but took the hint. “Fine, I’ll let it go for now. I was just telling you how Willow is never going to let me hear the end of that little mistake I made yesterday.”

Spike was relieved that she’d decided to let the subject drop. “What did you say to her to make her react like that?”

Blushing, Buffy was suddenly very interested in her coffee. “I… that’s none of your business!” He raised his eyebrows and gave her an amused look. “All right, it might have been something about you, but I’m not telling you. Let’s just pretend that I still have some dignity left, please?”

He chuckled. “All right.” Their eyes met, and suddenly, all he could think of was how it would feel to take her in his arms and kiss her. He wondered how she’d react if he did. She’d probably be surprised, shocked even, since she had no idea how he felt about her, but he didn’t think she’d kick him in the balls or something like that. Moving a little closer, happy that she was sitting next to him instead of at the other side of the table, he gently put his hand on top of hers. “Buffy, I…” Seeing that she was staring at his hand like hypnotized, he suddenly remembered that they were in the middle of the Espresso Pump, and quickly pulled his hand back. “Um…I think there are people waiting for a table, maybe we should go.”

Buffy swallowed, trying not to let her disappointment show. For a moment, she’d gotten the crazy idea that Spike was about to kiss her. She forced a smile, hoping that her voice would sound normal. “Yeah, let’s go before they throw us out, we’ve been hogging this table long enough.”

Spike let out a nervous laugh. “Right.” Neither of them moved. He cleared his throat. “Um… you wanna…?” He wasn’t ready to let her go just yet; he wanted to spend more time with her. Suddenly it was like the last two years had never happened, and he wanted to hold on to that feeling, at least for a little while longer. “We could go back to my place… to talk, I mean. ‘Cause there are things… that we should talk about. If you want, that is?”

Fighting the urge to jump for joy, Buffy silently counted to five before answering, trying her best not to sound too eager. “Yeah, okay, we could do that.” She wondered if it was something special he wanted to talk about, hoping that it wouldn’t be too awkward. Then again, even if it would be, she couldn’t care less. She knew that they had a lot to talk about, and figured that they’d might as well get it over with. Besides, she wasn’t ready to let him go yet.

“Great. Um… you got your car, right? How ‘bout I go first, and you follow me?” Spike was both relieved and nervous. He’d told her that they were going to talk, and he had no idea what to tell her, or even how to begin. Couldn’t he’d just asked her if she wanted to watch a movie instead? Then they wouldn’t have to talk. But no, he thought, if they would be able to start over, and move on, they needed to talk.

Buffy couldn’t help but giggle. “Spike, I do know were you live. Was there yesterday, remember?” If she didn’t know better, she’d think that he was nervous about her coming home with him. Then she realized that he was probably nervous about the conversation they were about to have. She was, too, but it had to be done. He knew how she felt now, and why she’d stayed away for all this time. She’d explained it all in the letter, but she wasn’t stupid enough to think that he’d just leave it there.

Also, Buffy wanted him to know that she understood what he was going through, with losing Drusilla, and that she wanted to be there for him, if he’d let her, that was. It would probably kill her to hear him talk about how he loved another woman, but she could be grown up about it. She’d have no choice but to accept the fact that Spike didn’t feel the same way about her, and probably never would. But she’d rather have him in her life as just a friend, than not at all. Because she’d lived through the latter for the last two years, and she never wanted to go back to that again.

Taking a deep breath, she looked at him and gave him a small smile. “All right, then. Lead the way!”


TBC

Spike was desperately searching for something to say, suddenly finding the situation more than awkward. When he and Buffy first got back to his apartment, he’d told her to make herself feel at home while he’d make them something to drink. She’d looked a little worried for a moment, and remembering what she’d been up to last night, he’d offered her a soda, which she’d gratefully accepted.

When he came back with their beverages; soda for her and a beer for him, Buffy was sitting on the couch, nervously fidgeting with her skirt. Handing her the soda, he sat down next to her. “So…um…” He cleared his throat. “Wanna watch some telly? I think Passions’ on.” Then he cringed at his stupidity, remembering that she’d always hated that show. “Or we could watch a movie or something.”

Buffy looked a little surprised. “Okay. But I thought you wanted to talk.” Then she mentally cursed herself for reminding him, watching a movie sounded so much better. She knew they would have to have ‘the talk’ sooner or later, but she’d prefer it to be later. “Actually, watching a movie sounds like a great idea, I’d like that.”

Spike nodded, looking a little relieved. “Alright.” He hesitated. “What do you wanna watch?”

She shrugged, giving him a smile. “Surprise me.”


~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Almost two hours later, Buffy glanced over at Spike again, for what must have been the fiftieth time. The movie was almost over, but if anyone would’ve asked her what they’d been watching, she honestly wouldn’t have been able to tell. They were sitting next to each other on the couch, so close they were almost touching. She wished that he would put his arm around her. Being this close to him was almost torture.

Buffy caught him glancing back at her, and blushed. There was no way she’d be able to concentrate on the movie when she was so close to him. Maybe it had been a mistake, coming here? No, she wouldn’t want to be anywhere else. But this wouldn’t do. She took a deep breath, and spoke; “Spike?”

He immediately looked at her, like he’d just been waiting for her to make the first move. “Yeah?”

‘Don’t do this!’ a little voice inside her head was screaming. ‘If you’re gonna be friends again, you’ll have to get used to sitting next to him without jumping him. You can handle this.’

But if they were going to be friends, she also knew that she needed to be honest with him. Ignoring the little voice, that wanted her to take the easy way out, Buffy sighed. “Can we turn off the tv? This is too weird for me.”

Spike frowned. “It’s Matrix, it’s not that weird. But if you’d rather watch something else…”

“No, I meant…” Buffy was getting frustrated. “This is weird, us, sitting like this.” She hadn’t meant to just blurt it out like that, but now it was too late to take it back. She saw the hurt look on Spike’s face, and had to bite her lip to keep from crying as he paused the movie and got up. “Where are you going? We have to talk about this!”

“Not going anywhere. I just…” He sat down in the arm chair instead. “This better? I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to…” He hesitated. “Maybe this was a mistake, coming here.”

“No, I just…” Buffy swallowed. ”This is hard for me. You know how I feel, and…” She blushed. “Being this close to you, it’s nice, I admit it. But it also makes me feel… I mean, I know you don’t feel the same way about me.”

Spike closed his eyes for a moment. Then he got up from the chair, and sat down next to her again. “Buffy, I…”

She raised her hand to stop him. “You don’t have to apologize, it’s not like you can change how you feel. But then, neither can I. Sure, I can try, but…” A tear slowly rolled down her cheek. “Can we really do this, be friends, I mean? Can you handle it? Me feeling this way about you? Because I don’t know if I can, it’s just too…”

He interrupted her by gently cupping her cheek, then he leaned closer and kissed her. In a state of shock, Buffy returned the kiss for a moment. Then she pulled back abruptly, staring at him with wide eyes. “What…why…?” She shook her head as if to clear it, then suddenly jumped up from the couch, and ran out of the room.


~*~*~*~*~*~*~

“Buffy? Are you okay? You’ve been in there for almost fifteen minutes. Come on, luv, come back out here!” Spike was starting to get desperate, Buffy had locked herself into the bathroom, and he had no idea what to do. He cursed himself for kissing her like that, but he hadn’t been thinking, just acting on pure impulse. Obviously, it had been the wrong thing to do.

Flashes from another night, more than a year ago, suddenly came back to him. Then he’d also been standing outside this bathroom, knocking and pleading, but then it had been Drusilla, not Buffy, on the other side of the door. And when he’d finally managed to get inside…

“Buffy, open the bloody door! Now!” The fear and desperation in his voice must had been obvious, because he immediately heard a ‘click’ and the door swung open. He let out a sigh of relief when he saw Buffy standing in front of him, looking cautious, but safe. She was staring at him now, a worried look on her face, and he realized that he was shaking.

She took a step closer to him, then hesitated. “I’m sorry. I just panicked, and… Spike? Are you okay?”

He nodded, desperately trying to push all thoughts of Drusilla to the back of his mind. “Yeah, sure. Buffy, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have…” He hesitated for a moment, not knowing how to go on. “I wasn’t thinking, can we… just pretend that kiss never happened?” He realized that it had been the wrong thing to say, when he saw the expression on her face change from worry, to disappointment, to fury. And it was directed at him.



TBC

---

A/N: I know, I know. I'm evil for leaving it there. But you know me by now, can't end a chapter without a cliff-hanger. Just in case you all hate me now and want to kill me slowly and painfully, just thought I'd let you know that the next chap is all done and waiting, and I'll post it really soon. :)

Spike gulped, realizing that he’d messed up big time. “Buffy, wait! That didn’t come out right, I didn’t mean…”

Buffy interrupted him, staring at him furiously. “And what exactly did you mean? Don’t play games with me, Spike.”

He shook his head in denial. “I don’t.”

She let out a bitter laugh. “Really? You know how I feel about you! You kiss me, and then tell me to forget it? That is so low. Was that your plan all along, to get back at me for hurting you all those years ago? You wanted to hurt me the way I hurt you? In that case, congratulations, you’ve succeeded!”

Spike took a deep breath, and counted to ten before speaking. He’d forgotten how good she’d always been at pissing him off. “I never meant to hurt you. If you’d just stop yelling for a moment, I’ll explain.” She glared at him, but remained silent. “Buffy, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have kissed you like that.” Seeing that she was about to interrupt again, he hurriedly went on. “It’s not that I didn’t want to do it, I did. But…” He hesitated, suddenly unsure of what he was trying to tell her.

A part of him wanted to smack himself over the head, asking himself what the hell he was doing. He’d wanted to kiss her, and she’d obviously wanted him to kiss her, otherwise she wouldn’t have been so upset with him for saying what he did. So what was the problem? He supposed it was just that things suddenly seemed to go way too fast. He didn’t question how he felt about her, or how she felt about him, he knew that. But yet he was afraid.

There were things about him that she didn’t know, bad things, things that could change the way she felt about him. He’d already let her come back into his life as a friend, if they took things to the next level, and then it turned out that she couldn’t handle the truth… He just wasn’t sure if he could survive losing her again after that. He’d meant for them to take things slow, and then he’d gone and kissed her. Not to mention the fact that by doing so, he’d hurt her. He really was an idiot.

“You wanted to kiss me? Why? You don’t…” Buffy stopped, looking at him in confusion. Then she shook her head, suddenly looking very tired. “This is just too… I should just go.” She turned around to grab her purse.

Without thinking he stepped over to her, gently putting his hands on her shoulders. “Please, don’t go.”

Buffy sighed, but there was the slightest sign of hope in her eyes. “Why not?”

“Because I…” He swallowed. “Because I love you.”


~*~*~*~*~*~*~

“Buffy, say something.” It could only have been a couple of minutes, but to Spike it felt like hours. Buffy had yet to say a word, and it was starting to freak him out.

Finally Buffy seemed to snap out of it, giving him a wary look. “You… love me?” He nodded. “Oh.” Then she became silent again.

Spike was starting to think that telling her like this hadn’t been such a great idea, judging by her reaction. “'Oh?' That’s it?”

“What do you expect me to say?!”

Okay, now she was yelling again. Spike sighed. “I don’t know, I… Buffy, if you’ll just let me…”

“You love me?”

“Yes. Buffy…”

He’d wanted her to talk, now he just wished she would stop interrupting him. But it seemed like she had other ideas. “Okay, did you just realize that now, or…?” He shook his head, opening his mouth to speak, but she went on. “How long?”

He looked at her with a blank expression on his face, until he realized that she was done, and now expected him to speak. “A while.”

Clearly, Buffy wasn’t pleased with that answer. “How. Long?”

Spike sighed. “Since high school.”

To his surprise, Buffy started laughing. Then she suddenly stopped. “Is this a joke?” Swallowing, Spike shook his head again. Her behaviour was really starting to make him nervous. She was staring at him, a doubtful expression on her face. “You love me?”

“I think we’ve established that already, luv.”

“Don’t call me that! How can you just…God!”

“Buffy…” He took a step towards her, reaching out for her, but she stubbornly took a step back. “Right, so we’re back to hating each other?” He was hurt by her reaction, and was not going to hide it.

Buffy let out a frustrated growl. “I never hated you! God, Spike, you can’t just blurt something like this out and expect me to… All this time… I can’t believe…” She took a deep breath, trying to calm down. “Why have you never said anything?”

“Oh, like you did?”

He sounded angry, and she realized that he was right. She sighed. “Okay, I admit…” Then she remembered something. “Wait, that is so not the same. You were seeing someone! I never told you because you were with Drusilla! What’s your excuse?”

Spike opened his mouth, but closed it again, not knowing how to respond. She was right, of course. When she’d started avoiding him, back in high school, he’d thought that he’d done something to upset her. But he’d had these feelings for her before that. In fact, that was the reason he’d started dating Dru in the first place, because he’d been too afraid to be honest with Buffy. If he only had been, then the last two years probably would’ve turned out differently.

He suddenly realized that it was all his fault, starting with their ruined friendship, to them both spending the last two years apart, being miserable, and finally leading up to the horrible end of his sick and twisted relationship. All this time, he and Buffy could’ve been happy, together, if only he hadn’t been such a coward. Fighting back the tears that threatened to well up, he looked at Buffy, a pleading note in his voice. “I don’t have an excuse. I’m sorry.”

Buffy looked like she was at loss for words. Her bottom lip was trembling, and when she finally spoke, he could hardly hear what she was saying. “I think I'd better go.”

Defeated, he just nodded. Buffy inhaled, shakily. “I need some time to…” She didn’t finish, but he nodded again. Giving him one last look, Buffy picked up her purse, and headed towards the door. Spike wanted to stop her, beg her to stay, but he knew he didn’t have the right. All he could do was stand there, and watch her leave. Then, just as she was about to walk out the door, Buffy stopped.


TBC

Buffy was just about to leave the apartment, when she stopped, hesitating for a moment before turning back to Spike. He was still standing at the same spot, now looking at her with a pleading look in his eyes, silently begging for her to stay. Their eyes met, and Buffy swallowed, knowing that this time she would. Two years ago she’d ran away because she’d been too afraid to tell Spike how she really felt about him. But he’d forgiven her. What kind of hypocrite would she be if she’d blame him for doing the exact same thing?

Without thinking, she walked up to Spike and flung her arms around him. He stood unmoving with shock for a moment, before wrapping his arms around her and returning the embrace. “Buffy, I’m sorry…”

“Shh, I know. Me too.” They just stood there for, what seemed like hours, but it could only have been a couple of minutes, clinging to each other, almost desperately. Finally, Buffy pulled back a little. “I think we should talk now.” He nodded, but seemed reluctant to let her go. She liked that. In fact, her mind was screaming at her to just hold on to him forever and never move from within his arms again. But there would be time for that later, now they were going to talk.

“Should I lock the door this time, or…?” Spike gave her a teasing smile as they once again sat down on the couch, but she could see that he was only half joking.

Giving him an assuring smile, she shook her head. “No, I’m not going anywhere.”

Spike looked relieved. “Good. Okay, you wanna go first, or should I?”

“Well, I’ve explained myself already, it’s your turn now.”

Snorting, Spike gave her a disbelieving look. “You don’t expect me to let you get away with it just like that, do you? In that case, I’ll just write you a bloody letter as well.”

Buffy glared at him for a moment, then couldn’t stop herself from giggling. “Alright, alright. No more letters. God, we really need to learn to communicate, don’t we?”

Spike chuckled. “Guess so.” Then he became serious. “Buffy, what I said before about forgetting the kiss, I didn’t mean it like that. I don’t regret kissing you, I’ve been wanting to do that since the first time I saw you.”

She frowned, looking at him in confusion. “The first time you saw me you hated me.”

“No! I…” Spike stopped, hesitating. “I just… violently disliked you. Okay, I see your point. But the feeling was mutual, right?”

Buffy smiled, nodding without hesitation. “Oh yeah.” They both laughed.

Spike reached out to take her hand in his, looking at her to see if she was okay with that. Seeing nothing that told him differently, he let out the breath he’d been holding and went on. “I don’t know when my feelings for you started to change, from being just friendly to… something more. I was afraid to tell you, because I didn’t think you felt the same way, and I didn’t want to lose our friendship.”

Giving him a sad little smile, Buffy squeezed his hand. “Same here. Then you started dating… her.”

Spike suddenly didn’t want to look her in the eyes. “Yeah. I thought…” He gave her an accusing look. “You said you were happy for me! How was I supposed to know…?”

Letting go of his hand, Buffy jumped up from the couch, glaring at him. “That was just my pride talking! What the hell did you think I was going to say?! You told me you loved her, you have any idea how that made me feel?”

Swallowing, Spike looked away again. “I didn’t think you’d care. I was wrong, I’m sorry.”

Trying to calm down, Buffy took a deep breath and sat back down. “So, Drusilla helped you getting over me, I take it.”

Spike shook his head. “I never got over you. I wanted to, but I never could. I wanted us to still be friends, but you…” He shrugged.

Buffy let out a bitter laugh. “Yeah. I couldn’t be around you, knowing that it was her you were in love with, not me. It just hurt too much, and I needed it to stop.” Her bottom lip was trembling, and a tear rolled down her cheek. “How could you be with someone else, if you were in love with me?”

Seeing her cry made his heart ache, and Spike felt his own tears welling up. “I…” He choked back a sob. ”I just wanted to forget how I felt about you. I thought that if I was seeing someone else…” He wiped away a tear, angrily. “I wanted to fall in love with someone else, so we could still be friends.”

Her tears were falling freely now. “That’s just… stupid!”

“I know!”

For a moment, they were just staring at each other. Then, Buffy grabbed his hand again, and he pulled her into his arms, burying his face against her neck. “I’m so sorry, it’s all my fault.”

Buffy put her arms around him, hugging him hard, and had to swallow before she was able to speak again. “No, it was my fault too. If I’d just… I love you so much, should’ve told you… I’m sorry…”

“No, I…” Spike stopped, and sighed. “Don’t wanna fight about this anymore.”

“Me neither.” Her voice sounded muffled.

Spike let out a shaky breath. “Love you, pet.” He pulled back so he could see her face. “I love you so much.”

Buffy let out something between a sniffle and a laugh. “I love you too! I don’t ever wanna be apart from you again. I know there are a lot of issues we still need to work out, but…” She was suddenly crying again, not able to stop.

He pulled her back into her arms, stroking her hair gently. “We’ll work it out, promise. It’ll be okay.” He just held her for a while, until she finally seemed to calm down. Then he pulled back again, looking her deep into the eyes, repeating his words; “It’ll be okay, Buffy.”

Buffy nodded, eagerly. “Yeah.” She closed her eyes as he cupped her cheek, and their lips finally met.


TBC

”I’m never moving from this spot again.” Buffy snuggled closer to Spike on the couch, and had to stifle a yawn. They had spent the last hour just like that, kissing and cuddling comfortably in each others arms. Buffy was sure she’d somehow died and ended up in heaven. Now she was starting to get tired, which wasn’t too surprising after her emotional breakdown earlier.

Spike placed a gentle kiss on the top of her head. “Sounds good to me. Might be a bit uncomfortable after a week or so, though.” He chuckled as Buffy pouted. “Look at that lip, gonna get it!”

Buffy giggled as he started nibbling on her bottom lip, then climbed up into his lap so she was straddling him, and wrapped her arms around his neck. “You do know I’ll never let you go now, don’t you?” She sighed happily as he tightened his grip around her.

“Well, I don’t plan on ever letting you go either, so that works out just nicely then.”

“Mmm. Good.” Buffy started tracing soft kisses down his neck, causing him to moan. Then she froze, and her eyes widened as she became aware of just how much he really enjoyed it.

Spike was beyond embarrassed when she blushed and climbed off his lap. “Sorry.”

“No, no, I was just… surprised. Besides, it was my fault, right?” Buffy blushed again and Spike tried to hide his amusement.

Then he became serious. “Buffy, don’t take this the wrong way…”

Buffy raised her hand to stop him. “You know that nothing good ever comes out of it when you start a sentence with that, right?” He gave her a confused look, and she waved her hand in dismiss. “Sorry, go on.”

“Right. Um…” Spike hesitated, not sure of how to go on. “Thing is, I love you, and I guess it’s pretty obvious that I want you. But I’m not ready for us to… you know.” He was angry with himself for being embarrassed. He’d never been shy, talking about sex before. But somehow, Buffy made him feel like a virgin again, which was a scary, not to mention disturbing thought.

“Huh. I thought that was supposed to be my line.” Buffy raised her eyebrows, and again Spike felt like a real nancy-boy.

“It’s just… Drusilla and I…”

Buffy interrupted him before he could finish that sentence, not that he’d had any idea how to finish it, anyway. “Whoa! Don’t even think about going there, mister! I’m so not interested in any details.”

Spike opened his mouth to object, but she went on. “Besides, I’m just teasing you. I’m not ready for us to… you know, either.” Then she rolled her eyes. “Having sex, that is. My mother used to tell me that if you were doing it, you should be able to say it.”

He smiled at that. “I agree. Smart lady, your mum was. But just so you know, I wasn’t going to give you any soddin’ details. I was just going to say that my relationship with Dru was…” He hesitated again before finishing; “…kinda complicated.”

Buffy looked a little surprised, and waited for him to go on. He didn’t. “Okay, wanna tell me about it?”

Spike didn’t look her in the eyes as he shook his head, firmly. “Not really.”

She was obviously disappointed, but wasn’t going to push the matter. After a moment, Buffy spoke again. “Tell me what she was like?”

He sighed, suddenly finding himself in a position he definitely didn’t want to be in, at least not now. He couldn’t deny the fact that he’d have to tell Buffy everything about Drusilla, sooner or later, but now was not the time. “I will, pet, but not now.” He paused for a second. “Let’s go out for dinner. On me.”

Buffy stared at him in bewilderment. “What?”

“Come on, luv, you’ve got to be starving. You hardly had anything for lunch, I know, I was there, remember? Let’s just get out of here.” Spike gave her a hopeful smile, and Buffy sighed.

She wasn’t stupid, she knew that he was just trying to make her drop the subject about Drusilla. In a way she couldn’t blame him for not wanting to talk about it, but at the same time she really wished that he would. But for once she decided to let it go, for now, that was. “Okay, fine, have it your way. But I don’t feel like going anywhere now, besides I’m really not that hungry…” Buffy stopped, and frowned. “Are you pouting?”

Spike snorted. “Hell, no!” Then he gave her a sexy grin. “But if it’s working…”

“It’s not.”

He shrugged. “Can’t blame a man for trying.”

Buffy rolled her eyes. “Don’t you have to work tonight, anyway?” She smiled as Spike pulled her back into his arms, nuzzling her neck.

“No, s’my night off. What do you say, luv, wanna sleep for a while? You look exhausted, and I’m a bit knackered myself. Been a long day an’ all.”

She gave him a teasing smile. “Well, if you’re so tired, maybe I should just go home. I could be up all…” A huge yawn stopped her from finishing, which caused Spike to chuckle and raise his eyebrows. “Okay, so maybe I’m just a little bit tired.”

“You don’t say?” Spike smiled, shaking his head in amusement. Then he shifted so he was half lying down on the couch, pulling her with him. “Just rest for a while, luv, I just wanna hold you. Besides, you don’t really wanna leave now, do you?”

He tried to sound casual, but the uncertain note in his voice was obvious to her. “No, I don’t. But I shouldn’t stay here all night, it’s too soon for that.” He nodded in agreement. “Okay, but I’ll just stay for a little while.” She yawned again. “Boy, I really am tired. Resting for a while actually sounds like a good idea.” Buffy curled up next to him on the couch, immediately relaxing. “Mmm. This is nice.” She laid her head down to rest on his shoulder.

“Yeah, very nice,” Spike mumbled in response, as he started stroking her back, gently. Words couldn’t describe how wonderful it felt to finally have Buffy in his arms. He wouldn’t fool himself into thinking that everything would go just as smooth from now on, they still had a lot of talking to do, but for now he didn’t care. All that mattered right now was that she was here, in his arms, and that she loved him. That thought brought a happy smile on his face, as he placed a soft kiss on her lips, and finally let sleep claim him.


TBC

The car was going fast, way too fast, and yet he didn’t slow down. Wait, he was driving? That’s not how it happened, this was all wrong. He looked over at Drusilla, who was sitting next to him in the passenger seat, watching him with interest. ‘This is not what happened, Dru.’

She just laughed, and turned her attention to the road. ‘Not long now, my sweet William. You know how it ends. Only this time, you’re not leaving this car.’

He tried to hit the brake, but nothing happened. Then he tried to pull over to the side of the road, but he couldn’t steer, the wheel wouldn’t turn. She was watching him again, smiling at his efforts to keep the car under control as the speed kept accelerating. This was just another dream, right? He remembered what happened the night of the accident, and this wasn’t it. Any time now he’d wake up, and…

‘Spike, slow down, you’re going too fast. Stop the car, I wanna get out!’

He froze, and turned around to see Buffy sitting in the back seat. She didn’t look pleased. What was she doing here? Suddenly, he felt like he had trouble breathing. Which was strange, since this was only a dream. It was a dream, wasn’t it? It had to be. He swallowed. ‘Buffy, what are you doing here?’

Buffy glared at him. ‘You’re the one who brought me here, I didn’t wanna come in the first place. Now, stop the car!’

Once again, he tried to hit the brake, without any luck. His hands were shaking now. ‘I can’t! Something’s wrong with the car, I can’t slow down!’ Drusilla laughed again, but now she was sitting in the back seat, next to Buffy. He glared at her. ‘You’re doing this.’

Drusilla didn’t answer. Instead she turned to Buffy. ‘I sometimes wonder what would happen if all the stars would fall down at the same time.’

Buffy nodded. ‘I know exactly what you mean.’

Spike stared at them. ‘What the bloody hell are you on about?’ Both girls were smiling now, but none of them said anything. ‘Dru, stop the car.’ Suddenly Dru was sitting in the front again. She cocked her head and looked at him, eyes cold. ‘Do you want to die, William?’

‘Don’t call me that! You know I…’

Buffy leaned over between the seats. ‘Don’t yell at her. It’s not her fault.’

‘What are you talking about?’

Drusilla was laughing again, madly.

‘You know what I’m talking about. You killed her, and now you’re gonna kill me.’

A sob escaped his throat. ‘I didn’t kill anyone! It wasn’t my fault!’

‘Do you want to die, William?’ Dru repeated in a sing-song voice.

‘Shut up!’

She just kept laughing. Then she suddenly stopped, and looked at him through tear-filled eyes. ‘I’m sorry, Spike, I was bad. You have to punish me.’

‘No!’

Buffy sighed in the back seat. ‘Do it.’

Spike turned around, staring at her in shock. ‘What?’

Rolling her eyes, Buffy sighed again. ‘You have to kill her, you know that. That’s what happens.’

He turned back to Drusilla. ‘I don’t wanna hurt you.’ Now she looked angry. ‘Dru, I have to stop the car.’ Then he realized that he was sitting in the passenger seat. He looked for Buffy in the back, but she was gone.

Instead, Angel was sitting where Buffy had been. He raised his hand and gave Spike a mocking smile. ‘Hey, Willie! You’re here to watch the show?’

Drusilla was watching the road in front of them, like hypnotized. She was smiling, at something he couldn’t see. ‘Do it, Spike. Punish me.’

He shook his head. ‘No.’ Her smile disappeared, and she let out a whimper. Suddenly he was the one driving again, and Drusilla and Angel were in the back, kissing. They were both naked.

‘I told you to do it.’ Drusilla was once again sitting next to him, a sad expression on her face. That’s when he snapped, and hit her. The first blow hit her in the face, the next on her neck. He kept hitting her, until he realized that she wasn’t moving. Gasping in shock, he tried to pull away from her, only to realize that he once again was sitting in the passenger seat.

‘It’s time now.’ Drusilla sounded both excited and a little sad as she let go of the steering wheel.

Spike looked down at Buffy’s bleeding face, her body now lying limp in his arms. ‘Oh God, what have I…’ He looked up. The cliff seemed to had appeared from nowhere, and he could hear Drusilla laughing next to him.

Then Buffy shifted in his arms. ‘Spike, wake up!” Her voice was the last thing he heard before the car crashed into the cliff, and everything went black.


~*~*~*~*~*~*~

“Spike, wake up!” Buffy hadn’t meant to fall asleep, but she’d been so tired, and lying on the couch in Spike’s arms had been so comfy. She’d been deep asleep, at first she hadn’t reacted when Spike had shifted in his sleep and started mumbling, but when he’d started trashing so much that she’d almost fallen off the couch, she woke up with a start. “Spike!”

His eyes snapped open, and he sat up immediately, looking around the room in panic. “Buffy!?”

Her heart was beating fast, as she gently put her hand on his arm. “I’m right here. You were dreaming.” She’d been startled, but now she was more worried about him. “Spike, are you okay?” He pulled her into his arms and hugged her, so hard that she could hardly breathe. She hugged him back, but he was starting to scare her. “Spike?”

He let go of her and took a couple of shaky breaths. “I’m fine.” Buffy gave him a doubtful look. “Really. Sorry, didn’t mean to wake you up.”

Buffy rolled her eyes, but still looked worried. “Spike, you’re not fine. You’re shaking, that had to be some dream. What happened?” He suddenly seemed to be lost in his thoughts, or, more likely, still haunted by the nightmare. She put her hand on his shoulder and shook him gently. “Spike?”

He seemed to snap out of it, and tried to give her an assuring smile, although it came out more like a grimace. “Sorry.”

She sighed, and let her hand run up and down his arm. “Will you stop saying that? Talk to me. What happened?”


TBC

”Buffy…” Spike sighed, and closed his eyes. Images of Buffy’s unmoving body flashed through his mind, and he opened them again. “Can we do this later, I really don’t wanna talk about this now?” The concerned, yet stubborn look in her eyes told him that she would have none of it. “Please? It was just a bloody dream, it’s no big deal.”

Buffy snorted. “Right!” She looked at him, a thoughtful expression on her face. “Maybe I should just go, then.”

Spike swallowed, trying not to let the panic show. “If that’s what you want.”

She let out a frustrated sigh. “No, what I want is for you to stop acting like a dope, and talk to me!”

“Buffy, I told you…” He frowned. “Did you just call me a dope?” She just raised her eyebrows in response, and he couldn’t help but chuckle. “Alright, I’m a dope. But you still love me, right?”

“Yes. Now, talk to me.” Buffy snuggled closer to him again, but he was unable to relax.

“If I refuse, are you leaving?” He didn’t look at her, so he didn’t see how she desperately tried to blink away tears.

“No, I’m not going anywhere. But I…”

“What do you wanna know?” Spike finally looked at her, and noticed the surprised look on her face.

She looked at him as if she was trying to figure out if he was serious. “If I tell you, will you answer?”

He shrugged. “Depends. Maybe.” Then he looked her in the eyes. “I’ll try.”

Buffy nodded, desperately trying to figure out how to begin. “The nightmare you just had, was it about Drusilla?” He nodded. “The accident?”

Spike hesitated, before nodding again. “Yeah. But, Buffy…”

“You really don’t wanna talk about this, do you?” Her face was a mix of sadness and concern.

He sighed. “Not really, no. But I have a feeling you’re not just gonna let this go.” He didn’t understand why she was being so persistent about this. It was late, he was tired, and the last thing he wanted to do right now, was having this particular conversation. If she’d just give him some time…

That’s bloody bollocks, and you know it, an annoying little voice said inside his head. Face it, mate, you don’t wanna have this conversation, ever. You really expect to ever be able to have some kind of relationship with Buffy if you can’t even talk to her?

“Okay… the accident.” He decided to start there. “Dru and I had a fight earlier that day.” He stopped, uncertain how to go on.

“About what?” Buffy blushed, waving her hand in dismiss. “Sorry, so not of my business. Rude much, Buffy? Forget it, just go on.”

“Right. Um…” Spike hesitated. “Remember when I told you my relationship with Dru was kinda complicated?” Buffy nodded. “Well, she was…” Suddenly, he felt very stupid telling her about his and Dru's relationship, and looked away. “She was not exactly being faithful, if you know what I mean.”

“What?” Buffy stared at him in shock. “She was cheating on you?” Spike nodded, still not looking at her, and she gasped. “Oh my God, did you just find out the same day as she…?” Buffy couldn’t finish the sentence, suddenly feeling nauseous.

Spike shook his head. “No, I knew before that. It wasn’t the first time.”

Now, Buffy was beyond shocked, mouth open. “You knew? How long…?” He just shrugged. “And you stayed with her?!”

Standing up, Spike ran his fingers through his hair in frustration. “You have to understand…”

Buffy interrupted him, snorting. “Understand?! How can you say that? You stayed with her, even though you knew she was seeing other guys! Why?”

Spike was starting to get annoyed, not to mention worried. If Buffy was reacting this strongly, just because he’d let Dru get away with cheating on him, how would she react if he told her the rest of the story? “You know what, let’s just forget the whole thing.”

Buffy took a deep breath, obviously trying to calm down. “I’m sorry, I just…” She got up as well, and walked over to him, putting her hand on his arm. “I’m trying to understand, I really am, but…” She gave him a pleading look. “Spike, why didn’t you just leave her? You deserved better than that.” When he didn’t answer, she wrapped her arms around him, hugging him close. “I’m so sorry.”

He hugged her back, absently. Suddenly he found it hard to believe that he’d actually considered telling Buffy everything, expecting her to understand. She wouldn’t. She’d be horrified, then disgusted with him, and then she’d leave him. But he needed her. Until she’d reappeared into his life, he hadn’t realized how much, but now he knew.

That’s why he couldn’t tell her. Spike didn’t want to lie to her, but he couldn’t tell her the truth about his relationship with Drusilla, not if he wanted Buffy to stay in his life. And he did. He’d loved her for so long, and now it turned out that she felt the same way about him. Vaguely aware of tightening his grip around her, he made up his mind. He’d tell Buffy what she wanted to know about the accident, but that was it. The rest of it, he’d keep to himself.

A part of him knew that he should tell her anyway, that if she really did love him, she’d understand. But he was terrified of losing her again, now when he’d finally gotten her back. He also feared that the nightmares would only get worse, and if he didn't talk to someone soon, he’d go insane. But the fear of not having Buffy in his life anymore was far worse than that. So he would pretend that everything was fine, do anything to keep Buffy from finding out that in fact, it really wasn’t.

Still, a part of him doubted that it was the right thing to do. Not telling Buffy the truth was the same as lying to her. What if she’d start suspecting that he was hiding something? Then she’d think that he didn’t trust her. And if he couldn’t trust the woman he loved, was there really a point to their relationship? But on the other hand, without her, what was the point of anything?


TBC

”Spike? You here? I let myself in, hope you don’t mind!” Buffy waited just inside the door for a moment, then, when Spike didn’t answer, she did a quick sweep through the apartment. She was a little disappointed to find out that he obviously wasn’t home, and let out a sigh. She hadn’t seen Spike all day, and now she missed him like crazy. She realized the irony of the fact that she almost missed him more now, after one single day, than she had for those two whole years when they’d been apart.

At first, after he’d told her those things about Drusilla, two nights ago, things had been a little tense between them. But yesterday they’d spent all day together, and things had been just great. Buffy smiled happily as she recalled last night. First they’d gone to see a movie, and then Spike had taken her out for dinner. It had all been very romantic. Then he’d taken her home to her place, and they’d ended the night with a long kiss outside her door. Before Spike had left last night, he’d given her the spare key to his apartment, telling her that she was welcome to drop by any time.

And today, after spending all day looking for a new job, Buffy had decided to take him up on it. But of course, when she’d gotten there, Spike wasn’t home. She pouted a little, then rolled her eyes at herself for doing such a childish thing when, clearly, there was no one around to see. Spike hadn’t mentioned anything about going somewhere today, but then on the other hand, he didn’t have to call her and let her know every time he left the apartment.

Buffy looked at her watch, and realized it was only four in the afternoon. Maybe Spike had just gotten together with some of his friends, and would be back soon. What if she would surprise him, and have dinner ready when he got back? She knew that she could never be called a master chef, but at least she knew her way somewhat around the kitchen. She could make pasta, that would be almost impossible to screw up. And even if she did, she could always call for pizza. With her mind made up, she headed for the kitchen, just as there was a knock on the door.

She frowned, wondering who it could be, as she turned around and went to open. A smile appeared on her face when she saw who it was. “Mr Giles. Nice to see you again.”

Giles face lit up when he saw her. “Hello again, Buffy. I didn’t know you were here, I’m sorry if I’m interrupting something.”

Buffy shook her head, gesturing for him to come in. “Of course not, come on in.” Giles gave her a grateful smile, and entered the apartment. As Buffy closed the door behind him, she remembered the awkward conversation between Spike and Giles the other day, and hesitated. Maybe Spike wouldn’t want her to let Giles in to his apartment. Then she dismissed that thought. Giles was his father after all, whatever differences they’d been having in the past, they were still family.

For as long as she had known Spike, he’d never talked much about his father. Whenever she’d asked him about it, he’d just told her that they didn’t get along, and quickly changed the subject. Buffy knew that it had started after his mother had passed away, Spike had told her that much, but she didn’t know more than that. Which she sometimes had found strange, since she and Spike had been able to talk about almost everything in the past. But there had always been certain things that they didn’t talk about, his father being one of them, and Buffy had reluctantly accepted that fact.

“I guess you’re here to see Spike. I’m sorry, but he’s not here right now.”

Giles looked a little disappointed. “I see. I don’t suppose you know when he’ll be back?”

Buffy gave him an apologetic smile. “I don’t, sorry. But I’m sure he’ll be back soon. Why don’t you sit down and wait for him, and I’ll make us some tea.” She frowned. “Except that Spike doesn’t drink tea so he probably won’t have any. Right. How ‘bout some coffee?”

Looking around the room a little nervously, Giles shook his head. “Thank you, dear, but I should probably go. You could you do me a favor, though, and let William know I was here. Tell him I’m staying at the Sunnydale Inn until Friday, if he’s interested in seeing me before I go back to England.” The look on his face told Buffy that he didn’t expect anything like that.

“Of course I’ll tell him you were here, I’m sure he’ll…” Buffy stopped, a sudden idea hit her. “You know, why don’t you come back here later tonight? I was going to surprise Spike and cook dinner, nothing fancy, just some pasta. You should come, I’m sure he wouldn’t mind if you showed up.”

Giles gave her a doubtful look. “I’m not sure if that would be such a good idea, Buffy. Maybe…”

Buffy interrupted him, a pleading look on her face. “No, it’s a great idea! Please, Mr Giles, you and Spike have to talk to each other sooner or later.”

Sighing, Giles suddenly looked very tired. “I’ve been trying to talk to William for years now. It’s obvious that he does not wish for me to be in his life. I believe it was a mistake, coming back here.”

“Just give it one more chance! Please?” Buffy didn’t know why she was being this persistent about this, maybe she should just let it go, mind her own business. But a part of her was certain that, deep inside, Spike would want to make things okay with Giles again. Maybe he just needed some help with that.

Giles looked like he wasn’t sure of what to say. Then he finally nodded. “Alright, I’ll be here tonight. On one condition; you’ll let William know I’m coming, so it won’t come as a total surprise.” Buffy nodded eagerly. “What time do you want me to be here?”


TBC

When Spike got home, he found Buffy standing by the stove, trying to read the recipe and stir the contents of a pan at the same time. She had yet to notice him, so he sneaked up behind her and whispered in her ear; “You know, I’ve always loved to watch a beautiful woman in the kitchen.”

Jumping a mile, Buffy dropped the ladle. She spun around, glaring at him. “God, Spike! Why did you have to do that?!”

Spike chuckled. “Sorry, luv. Couldn’t resist.”

Buffy rolled her eyes. “Right. Couldn’t resist scaring me half to death.”

“Said I was sorry, didn’t I? Now, come here.” Spike pulled her into his arms and gave her a long, deep kiss before pulling back. “You cooking? What’s the occasion?” He had to smile as Buffy wrapped her arms around his neck and stole another kiss before answering.

“No reason, just thought I’d surprise you. Where have you been? I missed you.” She pouted a little.

He smiled at her. “Had to work. My boss called this morning, asking me to take the day shift.”

Buffy’s frown disappeared, and her face lit up. “So, you’ve got the night off?”

“That’s right. And I intend to spend every minute of it with you. Got it all worked out, we won’t have to leave the bed until morning.” He gave her a sexy grin, which made her knees go week.

Then she remembered something. “Um, Spike…”

Spike interrupted her before she could finish. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that. I didn’t mean…”

Buffy raised her hand to stop him. “No, it’s not that. I’d love to spend the whole evening with you, and whatever you wanna do is just fine, but…” She hesitated, hoping that Spike wouldn’t be too upset with her. “Spike, your father was here earlier.” Holding her breath, she waited for his reaction. When he didn’t say anything, she started to get nervous. “Don’t you wanna know what he wanted?” He still didn’t answer, so Buffy took a deep breath, deciding that she’d might as well get it over with. “Never mind, you can ask him yourself, he’s coming back tonight for dinner.”

Finally she got a reaction. Spike stared at her in disbelief. “What?”

She shrugged, doing her best to look innocent. “He came here looking for you, and you weren’t here. I suggested that he’d come back later and join us for dinner. It’s no big deal.”

“No big deal?” Spike snorted. “Buffy, why? I don’t want him here, you know how…”

She interrupted him. “Actually, Spike, I don’t know. I don’t know, because you won’t tell me. I don’t know what’s up with the two of you, but it’s starting to get ridiculous. He’s your father, and he wants to see you. You may not get along, but he’s still your family, it should mean something.” She stopped, suddenly afraid she’d gone too far.

Spike nodded. “You’re right.”

Buffy frowned. She hadn’t expected that. “I am?”

“Yeah. Family should mean something. Unfortunately, he didn’t care about that when he left my mother.”

She put her hand on his arm, almost expecting him to pull away. He didn’t. “I’m sorry about that. My parents split up too, remember? It’s sad, but these things happen sometimes. It’s been years now, maybe you should…”

“She was dying, you knew that?” Spike didn’t wait for her to answer before walking over to the kitchen table, Buffy following. They sat down, and she waited for him to go on. “You know she was sick?” She nodded. “Well, it turned out that my father couldn’t handle it. So instead of staying with her, helping her when she needed him the most, he just left. Took off one night and didn’t come back. Not until after…” He closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. When he opened them again, a tear rolled down his cheek. “Don’t tell me to forgive him, ‘cause I can’t.”

Buffy suddenly felt terrible. Sure, Spike had never told her, so she couldn’t possibly have known, but she should have realized that Spike had a reason for not wanting to see Giles. She’d just wanted to help, inviting Giles over so he and Spike could talk, but now it seemed like she’d just managed to make things worse. If only she’d stayed out of it, minding her own business. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t know.” She swallowed, taking his hand. “Please don’t hate me, if I’d known, I never would’ve asked him to come back.” Giving him a pleading look, she silently begged for him to understand.

Spike sighed. “Of course I don’t hate you. It’s my fault, I should’ve told you…”

“No.” He looked at her in surprise, and she went on; “You didn’t have to, some things are just…” She hesitated, searching for the right word. “…personal. I want you to be able to talk to me, but I don’t expect you to tell me everything.”

Spike looked away, but didn’t let go of her hand. “But I don’t want you to feel like I’ve been lying to you.”

Buffy frowned. “You didn’t. Sometimes there’s a difference between lying, and not telling. I asked you about your father years ago, remember?” Spike nodded. “Right, and you were always very good at changing the subject, but you never lied about it.” He seemed to be thinking about it for a moment, then nodded again. “Spike, there are some things about me, that I’ve never told you, either.”

He looked at her then. “Really?”

She nodded. “Sure. You need to keep some things about yourself in private, even from your best friend. And it’s not because you don’t trust them, but because if you don’t, if you always tell everything, then there will be nothing left of you.”

Spike raised his eyebrows. “I’m impressed, luv, that was deep.” Buffy blushed, looking down. He gently cupped her cheek, forcing her to look at him again. “Don’t, I was just teasing you, I know what you mean. I guess I just never thought about it that way. I thought…” He stopped, suddenly seemed to be deep in thoughts. Then he snapped out of it, and leaned over to kiss her softly on the lips. “Love you, pet.”

Buffy smiled happily as she returned the kiss. “Love you too.” For a moment they just looked at each other. Then Spike opened his mouth to say something, but was interrupted by the door bell. Buffy looked confused for a moment, then realized who it had to be. “I think your father has arrived.”


TBC

Forcing a smile, Buffy desperately tried to come up with something to talk about. “So, um… did I mention that I went job-hunting today?” She held her breath, praying that someone would take the hint and join the conversation. Because so far, the dinner had been a total disaster. Spike had barely said two words to Giles, and while a part of Buffy could understand him, another part felt bad for Giles, who was obviously trying his best to get his son to talk to him.

“Yeah? How did it go?” Spike smiled at her, and Buffy was torn between wanting to roll her eyes or to give him a grateful smile in return. Although Spike had made it perfectly clear from the beginning that he wasn’t interested in talking to Giles, he made an effort of being nothing but polite to her. She was starting to realize that this whole dinner thing had been a mistake.

“It didn’t. I never thought it would be so hard, finding a decent job in this town. I’ll probably end up behind the counter at the Double Meat Palace or something equally depressing.” Buffy sighed. Her mother had left her some money when she’d passed away, and she’d been fine living on them so far. But sooner or later she would need a regular income, the money she had on her account wouldn’t last forever.

“Is that awful place still open? I would’ve thought the health inspectors closed it down years ago.” Giles helped himself to some more pasta. “This was wonderful, Buffy.”

Buffy smiled at him. “Thank you, Mr Giles, I’m really glad you like it.”

“Please, just call me Giles. Tell me, what do you plan on doing if you don’t find a job soon?”

Glancing over at Spike, who was focusing on the food on his plate and clearly not paying any attention to his father, Buffy turned back to Giles. “I don’t know. I really don’t wanna work as a waitress or something like that, but it looks like that might be my only option. I mean, who else would hire a college drop-out?” She grimaced before shoving some more of the pasta into her mouth.

Giles looked thoughtful for a moment. “You know, I have a friend who might be able to help you. If you’re interested, that is.”

Buffy gave him a hopeful look. “Really? That would be…”

“She’s not.” Spike finally looked up from his plate, giving Giles a cold look. “She can find a job on her own, don’t need you to do her any favours.”

Giles looked hurt. “I was just trying to help.”

Spike was just about to say something, when Buffy jumped up from the chair. “Spike, can I talk to you for a moment? In private, please.” Spike looked from his father to Buffy, then got up and left the kitchen without a word. Buffy gave Giles an apologetic look, before following. They got in to the living room, and Buffy made sure the door was closed behind her before she started speaking. “Did you have to be so rude? He was just trying to be helpful.”

Spike snorted. “Right. He’s a bloody saint.”

Buffy gave him a pleading look. “Why can’t you just try to give him a chance? He’s really trying here, he’s obviously sorry for what he’s done in the past.” She walked over to him and tried to put her hand on his arm, but he jerked it away from her.

“I can’t believe this! I just told you, not even an hour ago, how I feel about him. I thought you understood.”

“I do! But…” Buffy swallowed, not sure of how to go on.

“I told you that I can’t forgive him, and I bloody meant it! If you have a problem with that, maybe you should just leave.” Spike didn’t look at her when he said the last part, and Buffy was certain that he didn’t really mean that. But still, it hurt to hear him say it. She blinked away a couple of tears, and was just about to tell him that, when Giles entered the living room.

“It’s me you have a problem with, you shouldn’t take it out on her.”

Buffy closed her eyes. Obviously Giles was trying to help her, but she knew that he would only make things worse. “It’s okay, Giles. Please, if you’ll just wait in the kitchen, we’ll be right back.”

“Not me, I’m out of here.” Spike grabbed his coat, and headed for the door.

Buffy rushed after him, grabbing his arm. “Spike, wait! We have to talk about this, you can’t just leave!”

He stopped, sighing. “Buffy…”

“She’s right, son. If anyone should leave, it should be me.”

Spike glared at his father. “Why did you have to come back here in the first place? I’ve been doing just fine without you for years, I don’t need you now. Just go back home to your bloody wife, and the kids you actually care about.”

Giles had tried to contain himself during dinner, but now he lost what was left of his patience. “You have no right, talking to me like that! I’ve done nothing but trying to be polite to you since I got here, but now I’ve had it! If that’s what you really want, for me to walk out of your life, then I’ll bloody well do so.”

“You already walked out of my life years ago. From now on, just stay out!” With that, Spike walked out the door, ignoring Buffy who called out for him, and slammed the door shut behind him.

Giles stared at the closed door for a moment, then let out a defeated sigh. He turned to Buffy. “I’m so sorry, dear, this was a mistake. I should never have come back here, I should have just stayed in England.”

“Yeah, maybe you should have.” Buffy let out a choked sob. “I’m sorry, I just…” She took a deep breath, wiping away a few tears.

Giles walked over to the hanger and grabbed his tweed jacket. “It’s too late to get a flight tonight, I’ll leave the first thing in the morning.” He paused. “It was really nice seeing you again.” She just nodded. “Right. Good bye, Buffy.” Giving her a sad smile, Giles left the apartment, closing the door quietly behind him.


TBC

Buffy looked around the room, hoping to see a familiar bleached blond head in the crowd. She wasn’t too happy about being here, she’d been trying to avoid The Bronze since that night she’d been there with Faith, years ago. But she didn’t have much of a choice, since she’d pretty much looked everywhere else already. She sighed. Maybe she should just forget about it and go home. If Spike was here, he probably wouldn’t want to talk to her anyway, after all, he’d told her to leave before storming out of his apartment.

A part of her was really mad at him, he’d hurt her feelings, and she wanted him to know that, either he’d care or not. But at the same time she was blaming herself about what happened, since she was the one who’d invited his father over without asking, and she just wanted to make everything okay again. Truth was, she loved Spike so much, even though he acted like a jerk sometimes, and she was convinced that if they could just sit down and talk, really talk, everything would be okay. But for them to do so, she needed to find him. Then she could also kick his ass for walking out on her like that.

She decided that if Spike was here, he’d most likely be close to where the alcohol was, so that’s where she’d start. With her mind made up, she took a deep breath, and headed for the bar. Suddenly she felt a hand on her shoulder, and spun around, half expecting it to be Spike. Her face fell when she saw who it was. “Angel?”

“Hey, Buff, long time no see!” The dark haired man smiled at her, and Buffy remembered a time when that smile would’ve made her knees go weak. “How are you?”

But that was a long time ago, and she really didn’t have time for this. “I’m fine, thank you, but I have to go. Excuse me.” She tried to walk past him, but he grabbed her arm to stop her.

“What’s the hurry? I was hoping you’d let me buy you a drink.” He smiled again, which caused Buffy to roll her eyes.

“No thanks. And I’m here with my boyfriend.” That wasn’t exactly true, but Angel didn’t know that. Besides, there was a possibility that Spike was around here somewhere. Buffy had to suppress a laugh as Angel’s smile disappeared.

“Boyfriend, huh? That’s great, congratulations.” Angel sounded polite enough, but it was obvious that he wasn’t happy, and Buffy wished he’d just turn around and leave.

“Right, now if you’ll excuse me, I gotta go find Spike.” Buffy didn’t bother with being polite anymore, she just wanted to get away from him. There used to be a time when she’d almost convinced herself that she could love this man. She and Angel had been dating for a while, about a year ago, and she had liked him a lot. Of course he wasn’t Spike, but back then, Buffy had given up hope that there could ever be something between them.

Angel was tall, dark and handsome, and he’d treated her like a princess. Until he’d gotten what he wanted, that was. She still remembered the hurt and humiliation she’d felt when Angel had dumped her, just a couple of days after she’d finally agreed to sleep with him. Of course, he wouldn’t admit that the only thing he’d been after all along was sex, he’d given her a pathetic excuse how he wasn’t ready for a serious relationship, but she hadn’t bought it.

“Wait, you’re dating Spike? He’s your boyfriend?” Angel stared at her now, mouth open, and Buffy gave him a confused look.

“Yeah, why? Do you know him?”

“Do I…?” Angel was unable to hide his amusement, and let out a laugh. “You could say that. Actually, Spike and I go way back!”


~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Spike quickly downed his third beer, then picked up the glass of whiskey he’d also ordered at the bar. His plan had simply been to get so drunk that he’d stop feeling guilty about what he’d said to Buffy before he’d left, but so far it wasn’t working. She probably hated him now, not that he could blame her. Buffy had gone through all this trouble to make a nice dinner for him, and he’d thanked her by yelling at her before taking off. She really should leave him, he thought, she deserved better than him.

He took a big swig of the whiskey, then put the empty glass down on the bar with a grimace. Then he waved at the bartender, and a moment later the glass was full again. This was a bad idea, he knew it, but right now he didn’t care. This was just like him, finally having the woman of his dreams back into his life, and then he had to screw things up. If only his father hadn’t come back here, then none of this would’ve happened.

But he still shouldn’t have taken his anger out on Buffy, she had only been trying to help. Maybe it wasn’t too late, maybe he could go back and apologize, hoping that she’d forgive him for being such a git. Spike swallowed down the contents in his glass, and got up, swaying a little. He had to grab hold of the counter to keep from stumbling, and the bartender gave him a worried look. Chuckling a little, he gave the man a smile that he hoped would be convincing. “M’fine, mate!” The other man looked doubtful for a moment, then shrugged and went back to mixing his drinks.

Spike grabbed his coat and headed for the exit. He’d go home and have some coffee, trying to sober up a bit before going to find Buffy. She would already be mad at him, showing up at her place like this wouldn’t exactly increase his chances to be forgiven. Suddenly he spotted a blond head at the other side of the dance floor, and frowned. It was Buffy. The realization that she must had come here looking for him made him feel all warm inside, and he immediately started towards her.

Then he saw that she was talking to someone, a dark-haired man. A man who looked all too familiar. Spike stopped in his tracks, realizing who Buffy was talking to. It was Angel.


TBC

”What do you mean, 'way back’?” Buffy gave Angel a suspicious look. “Are you guys friends?”

Angel chuckled a little. “I wouldn’t go that far. Though, I’ve been over at his place a couple of times.” He didn’t say any more about it, leaving Buffy more confused than ever.

“Why would you go to his place if you weren’t friends?” She frowned. “And why am I still talking to you?” She turned around to leave, when Angel spoke, causing her to stop.

“You know, I’d be careful around Spike if I were you.”

Buffy spun around, glaring at him. “And what the hell’s that suppose to mean?”

He shrugged. “Just saying. I wouldn’t want you to get hurt, that’s all.”

She rolled her eyes. “Oh, right, like you’d care. Thank you so much for your concern. Now, leave me alone!” Buffy started to leave, but Angel followed. She stopped again, sighing. “Tell me, what part of ‘leave me alone’ didn’t you get?”

Angel looked annoyed. “I mean it, Buffy, the guy’s bad news. You shouldn’t be with him.”

Buffy snorted. “Angel, please! You’re starting to get pathetic.” She hesitated. “Did I say ‘starting to’?”

“Fine, you don’t believe me? Ask Drusilla then. Except you can’t do that now, can you? ‘Cause she’s dead.”

Buffy just stared at him for a moment, then opened her mouth to speak. But before she could say anything, someone grabbed Angel from behind and pushed him away.

“You stay the bloody hell away from her, you hear?! Spike glared at Angel, taking a step towards him, but Buffy hurried to get between them.

“Spike, don’t!” The relief she’d felt over finally finding him was suddenly mixed with anxiety. Spike was clearly drunk, and the fact that he’d seen her talking to Angel would obviously not make the situation any better. She gave him a pleading look. “Can we please just go home?”

Spike seemed to forget about Angel for a moment and looked at her. Then he let out a bitter laugh. “Wanna go home with me?” The slurring in his voice told Buffy that he’d had more than enough to drink.

She nodded eagerly. “Yes, of course I do.”

He laughed again. “Funny, ‘cause from where I was looking, you seemed to be rather busy.”

Buffy closed her eyes for a second, counting to five. “Don’t be ridiculous! Why the hell do you think I came here in the first place? I was looking for you, dammit!”

Spike seemed to be thinking about it for a moment. “You’re not mad at me then?”

She sighed, Angel forgotten. “No, Spike. Maybe I was, a little, but… We’ll talk about that later, okay? Let’s just get out of here.”

He cocked his head, looking her deep in the eyes like he was trying to see if she meant it. Then he nodded. “Right.”

Buffy let out the breath she’d been holding, relieved that there wouldn’t be any more trouble. But it turned out that she’d been too eager in her assumption. Suddenly Angel was standing next to her again, a smug look on his face. “Did he tell you that he used to beat up his girlfriend, just for fun?”

Before Buffy had the chance to react, or even let the words sink in, Spike threw himself at Angel, punching him hard in his face. Angel was taken by surprise, and went down immediately. Spike didn’t give him the chance to get back up before delivering a series of hard kicks to the other man’s stomach.

Finally snapping out of it, Buffy rushed over to pull Spike away from the now unconscious man on the floor. Without looking at her, only focusing on beating the crap out of Angel, Spike pushed her away, hard. She gasped in shock, desperately trying to keep her balance. Then his eyes widened as he realized what he’d done. “God, Buffy, I’m sorry!”

He reached out for her, but she took a step back. Then she saw the security guard making his way towards them. Trying not to panic, she grabbed Spike’s arm and pulled him with her, away from the scene. Luckily, he didn’t object, and followed her towards the exit.


~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Half an hour later, back in Spike’s apartment, Buffy walked in to the living room, finding Spike on the couch where she’d left him. She offered him the cup of coffee she’d been carrying. “Here. Drink this.” He made no efforts to take it, so she put it down on the table. Not knowing what to do, or say, she remained standing.

Spike looked up at her. “You don’t wanna sit next to me. You’re afraid of me now.”

He looked so devastated, and she didn’t have the heart telling him that what she was most afraid of right now was that he’d might throw up on her. Then she remembered how he’d taken care of her a few nights ago, thought ‘hell with it’, and sat down. “No, I’m not.”

He gave her a disbelieving look, tears welling up in his eyes. “You should be. You have no idea what I’m capable of.”

Buffy reached for his hand. “It doesn’t matter now, sweetie. You should try to get some sleep, we’ll talk about it in the morning.”

“Are you daft?! How can you say it doesn’t matter?! After what I did…” Spike stopped, looking down at his hands.

She sighed. “Spike, I’m not gonna lie and say that you didn’t scare me tonight. Angel’s a jerk, and I don’t know what game he’s trying to play, but I wish you hadn’t let him get to you like that. What if he’ll tell the cops on you, you could get charged for assault.”

Spike snorted. “I don’t care about him, bloody poof deserved what he got.” He took a shaky breath. “I hurt you.”

“Spike, I’m fine, don’t worry about it. But I hope you do know that I would never…” Buffy hesitated, unsure of how to go on. “I used to date Angel, about a year ago, and it ended badly. I haven’t seen him since, until tonight, that is. I think he wants me back.”

Spike opened his mouth to say something, but she hurriedly went on. “Not that there would be a chance in hell I’d take him back, the nerve of him!”

“Buffy, about what he said…” Suddenly, he didn’t seem to want to look her in the eyes.

Buffy looked confused for a moment, before recalling what Angel had said just before Spike jumped him. She rolled her eyes. “Forget about it, I have. He has to be even more stupid than I thought if he thinks for one second that I’d believe something like that.”

He still refused to look at her, swallowing hard. “What if I told you he was right?”


TBC

For a moment, Buffy just stared at Spike, then she shook her head in denial. “I don’t believe that.”

Spike glared at her. “Yeah? What would you say if…” He stopped then, shaking his head. “Forget it.”

Buffy snorted in disbelief. “Oh, no you don’t! You can’t just drop a bombshell like that and then…!” Realizing she was yelling, Buffy stopped and took a deep breath. “Maybe I should just leave.” She immediately regretted her choice of words, seeing the devastated look on his face. “I didn’t mean…” She sighed. “I’ll be back, it’s just… well it’s late, and you’re…”

“Pissed. I know.” Spike leaned back on the couch with a sigh. Buffy looked at him in confusion. “Means drunk, pet.” She gave him an ‘oh’ look. He buried his face in his hands for a moment, then looked up again. “I’m not…” He hesitated, failing to find the right words. “If you’re gonna leave me, then let me know now. Please.”

Buffy felt tears welling up in her eyes, refusing to let them fall. “Spike, I love you. I’m not going anywhere.”

He gave her a tired look. “There are a lot of things you don’t know about me, Buffy. Maybe you’d be better of without…”

She gave him a death glare. “Don’t you dare finish that sentence! That’s up to me to decide, not you.” He merely shrugged. Buffy opened her mouth to say something more, then decided against it. Instead, she wrapped her arms around him, hugging him close. He tensed up for a moment, obviously taken by surprise, then he hugged her back, a little awkwardly.

“Spike, I’m so sorry.” He pulled back and gave her a confused look, and she hurried to explain. “I should never had invited your father over tonight, I don’t know what I was thinking. I just wanted to help, but I should’ve known better. I was wrong, and I’m so sorry.” He started to say something, but she interrupted him. “Don’t tell me it’s okay, because it’s not. I made a decision that I had no right making. But I promise that it won’t happen again.”

He nodded. “Okay. But I shouldn’t have shouted at you like that. I didn’t mean…”

She interrupted him again, this time with a kiss. “I know. I was upset at first, but I understand.” He looked relieved. Suddenly Buffy started giggling. “I can’t believe you hit Angel! I’m not saying it’s okay, but…” Another fit of giggling hit her. “Did you see the look on his face, I don’t think anyone has ever done that to him before.” She noticed that Spike wasn’t smiling. “Not funny, sorry.”

Spike shrugged again. “You’re the one that told me to stop. I would’ve gladly kicked the shit's head in, and mightily enjoyed it too.” He’d meant it as a joke, but the look on her face, and the way her giggling stopped abruptly, made him regret it and he looked down on his hands.

Buffy looked at him, now with a serious expression on her face. “We really need to talk.” He nodded, then tried to keep from yawning. “Tomorrow. You should try to get some sleep.” He nodded again, but seemed reluctant.

“You’re leaving then.” It came out more as a statement than a question, as if he already knew the answer.

Hesitating for a moment, Buffy knew that she didn’t want to leave, but maybe she should. It had been a crazy night so far, and by the look of it, things could still get much worse. She didn’t know if what Spike said was true or just drunken ramblings, of course she was hoping for the latter, but he seemed to know what he was talking about. And that frightened her.

As if he could read her mind, Spike cupped her cheek and forced her to look right into his eyes. “I would never hurt you, Buffy. You have to believe me.”

The pleading note in his voice almost broke her heart. She blinked away a few tears, knowing that she’d already made up her mind about staying. Hell, who was she kidding? Her mind had been made up since the moment she’d ran off to The Bronze, looking for him. “I do.” The shocked expression on his face was so obvious that it almost made her laugh. Almost. “Go to bed, and we’ll talk tomorrow. I’m sleeping here on the couch.”

He looked a little disappointed for a moment, but covered up quickly. It was obvious that the couch wasn’t where he wanted her to sleep, but also knew he didn’t have the right to ask for anything more. “You take the bed, I’m staying on the couch.”

Buffy started to object, then changed her mind. “Are you sure?” He nodded. “Okay. Thank you.” She got up, yawned, and realized that he wasn’t the only one who needed to sleep. “Good night then. See you tomorrow.”

“Buffy?”

She stopped, turning around to look at him. When he didn’t say anything more, just looking at her, she walked back to the couch. Spike got up, pulled her into his arms and hugged her hard. Then he kissed her, and suddenly she didn’t care about anything else. It was if the world around them had ceased to exist, and nothing else mattered.

But, of course, the moment was over all too soon. With a sigh, Buffy pulled back, knowing that if she didn’t, she wouldn’t get to the bed tonight, at least not alone, and for some reason she felt like that was important. She loved Spike so much it almost frightened her, but obviously he was right when he’d said that there were things about him that she didn’t know.

And a part of her really didn’t want to know. Because deep inside she feared that, whatever secrets he’d been hiding, it would be so bad that she would have to leave him. The mere thought of not being with him was almost too painful for her to handle, but what if she’d been wrong? What if their love just wasn’t strong enough to handle the truth?



TBC

Buffy was tossing and turning in bed, unable to find a comfortable position. The mattress was too hard, it was too hot, the room was too dark and… Oh hell, who was she kidding, those things had absolutely nothing to do with why she couldn’t sleep. She sat up with a sigh, wondering if Spike was still awake. Probably not, she thought, he was probably deep asleep and would be until he woke up the next morning with a huge hang-over.

She wondered how much of what happened tonight he’d remember in the morning. They would have to talk, really talk, and that scared her. She also wondered about Angel, how he could possibly have known anything about Spike and Drusilla’s relationship. At first she’d been convinced that Angel had simply been lying, but then Spike had told her he wasn’t. And what did that even mean? Buffy felt a headache coming up.

‘Did he tell you that he used to beat up his girlfriend, just for fun?’

Buffy shook her head, as if to clear it. It was ridiculous, Spike would never do something like that! But he had said… She let out a groan, desperately trying to push the memories of tonight’s events to the back of her mind, at least for now. She laid back down and closed her eyes, trying to force herself to go to sleep. But, of course, she failed.


~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Spike was tossing and turning on the couch, trapped in one of his countless nightmares. His arm reached out in the air, as if to search for someone, anyone, who could save him.


‘Do it! Hurt me! Punish me!’ Drusilla’s hysterical voice seemed to be coming from everywhere at once.

‘Hey, Willie! Here to watch the show?’ Spike tried closing his eyes, but he was unable to block out the sight of Angel and Drusilla together in bed, that, and the smug look on Angel’s face.

‘Spike, stop the car, I wanna get out! You killed her, and now you’re gonna kill me!’ Buffy glared at him, angrily, as her blood was dripping down on the car seat.

Drusilla traced his cheek with her fingers. ‘You know where I am now, sweet William? I am nowhere. The stars wouldn’t have me.’ Her smile disappeared, and her eyes were cold and empty.

‘Spike, I don’t love you. I never did. No one can love a murderer. I’m leaving now, you killed me.’ Buffy turned away from him, and disappeared.

Angel was laughing.

Drusilla and Buffy were standing next to each other. The dark-haired woman whispered something in Buffy’s ear. Both of them looked at him, giggling. Then they both started screaming.

‘Do it, Spike! Hurt me!’

’Stop it, Spike! You’re hurting me!’

Angel was still laughing.

Spike tried to back away, but he couldn’t, he couldn’t move. Panicking, he started fumbling with the seat belt, but it was stuck. He looked up, and saw the cliff coming closer. And the car kept going faster.

‘I’ve been bad, Spike, do it!’

‘Spike, don’t do it!’

Everything went black.


~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The first thing Spike was aware of when he woke up was that he wasn’t alone, someone was holding on to him, and he panicked, desperately trying to pull away.

“Spike, stop it, it’s me!”

Spike stopped struggling, blinked a couple of times, and looked into Buffy’s worried eyes. “Buffy?”

She ran her hand gently over his hair. “I’m right here, it’s okay.”

The horror from the nightmare, and then the relief of finding out that it was just a dream, suddenly became too much for him, and he broke down, right there on the couch, hard, uncontrollable sobs shaking his body. Beyond embarrassed, he tried to pull away from Buffy, but she would have none of that, as she gently pulled him back into her arms.

“Shh, it’s alright. I’m right here, baby, it’s gonna be okay.” He gave up, and buried his face against her neck, clinging to her almost desperately. They sat like that for a long time, just holding each other, and eventually he started to calm down.

Finally he pulled back, giving her an apologetic look. “Sorry.”

“I love you.”

It was the last thing he’d expected her to say, and for a moment he was stunned. Then he swallowed. “Love you too.”

Buffy smiled, kissing him softly on the lips. “I know.” Then she gave him a thoughtful look. “You were having another nightmare. The accident again?”

Spike shrugged, not wanting to meet her eyes. “Something like that.” She obviously expected him to go on, but he didn’t. He didn’t want her to know that she also had been in the dream, it made him feel guilty for some reason he didn’t understand.

Buffy looked a little confused, but nodded. “You wanna talk about it? Or is it too private?”

He didn’t want to talk about it, but he didn’t want to hurt her feelings by saying so, either. “Buffy, I…”

She raised her hand to stop him. “It’s okay, I understand. Come to bed with me.” Staring at her in confusion for a moment, Spike shook his head in denial and opened his mouth to object. Buffy went on before he could say anything. “Please? It’s your bed after all, and I…” She hesitated before looking down at her hands. “I don’t think I can sleep without you.”

Spike looked away. “Don’t wanna sleep.”

Buffy looked up again, taking his hand in hers, and shook her head. “No. No sleeping. Just resting.” He didn’t say anything, just looked at her like a lost boy, waiting for her to take the lead, so she got up, gently tugging on his hand. “Come on.”

He let her pull him to his feet, but then gave her a serious look. “I mean it, Buffy, I don’t wanna sleep.”

She nodded. “I know.” He looked at her for a moment, then nodded, and let her lead him into the bedroom. Buffy closed the door behind them, and they curled up on the bed, together, under the covers. In less than five minutes, they were both deep asleep and slept peacefully in each others arms for the rest of the night.


TBC

When Buffy woke up the next morning, she was alone. For a moment she panicked, then she noticed that the side of the bed where Spike had been was still warm, and realized that he couldn’t have been gone for long. Quickly putting her clothes on, she got up and left the bedroom. She found him in the living room in front of the tv, having to roll her eyes when she saw what was on. Passions. She’d never understood what Spike saw in that show. But when she got closer, she realized that the sound had been turned off, and Spike seemed to be more lost in his own thoughts than the fact that Timmy had fallen down the well.

She stopped a few feet away from the couch. “Spike? Are you okay?”

He seemed to snap out of it. “Yeah, sure. Sorry, didn’t mean to wake you.”

Buffy snorted. “Yeah, because you were being so loud.” Then she frowned. “Actually, you did wake me. By not being there. I missed you.” She pouted a little.

Spike smiled at that. Then he reached out his hand towards her, and she immediately took it, letting him pull her down on the couch next to him. “Sorry, luv, I just couldn’t sleep. There’s some coffee in the kitchen if you want. Are you hungry? I can make you some breakfast”

She considered it for a moment, then shook her head. “Thanks, but I’m not hungry. Maybe later.” Then she took a deep breath. “We really need to talk.”

He had known it would be coming to this. But that didn’t mean he was looking forward to it. “That we do.” He gave her an innocent look. “So, what do you wanna talk about?”

Buffy stared at him in disbelief. “Tell me you’re kidding.”

Spike sighed. “Look, why don’t you just tell me what you wanna know, and I’ll do my best to answer. I don’t know if I can make you understand, but…” He became quiet, then shrugged.

She was silent for a moment, then nodded. “Okay. I want you to tell me about Drusilla.”


~*~*~*~*~*~*~

“A message for all passengers: Flight 681, leaving for Los Angeles with destination London, will be taking off in five minutes, I repeat: Flight 681, destination London will be taking off in five minutes. All passengers…”

Giles had been sitting in the terminal at the Sunnydale airport, reading, when the announcement about his flight was declared. He closed the book, and put it into the pocket of his jacket. Getting up with a sigh, he started towards the gate. Then he stopped, just as he was about to enter.

People behind him started grumbling and muttering. The flight attendant gave him a look of impatience. “Sir, if you’re going to be on this plane, I’m gonna need to see your ticket.”

Giles had the ticket in his hand, but he didn’t give it to her. He gave the young woman an apologetic look, as he stepped out of the line. “I’m terribly sorry, but I’m not going. Excuse me.” With his mind finally made up, he turned around, and went back.


~*~*~*~*~*~*~

“Drusilla was…” Spike hesitated. “You have to understand... it’s kinda complicated.” Buffy didn’t say anything, just waited for him to go on. “Right, here goes…” He stopped, not sure of how to begin. “Things weren’t always…For a while, everything was really great. Then…” He sighed. “Let’s just say that her idea of pleasure was a bit different than mine.”


“I’ve been bad, Spike. I deserve to be punished.”

“No.”

“Yes! Do it! Hurt me!”


He suddenly didn’t want to look Buffy in the eyes. “I refused at first, of course, said I wouldn’t do it. So she went to someone else.”


“Hey, Willie! Here to watch the show?”

“I’m sorry, sweet William. But I need someone to take care of me.”


Buffy stared at him now, eyes wide. “Angel.”

Spike nodded. “I don’t know if the ponce actually cared about her, or if he just got off on having someone depending on him. Anyway, she promised that it wouldn’t happen again, and I believed her. I was a fool.”


“Spike, I’ve done something bad. My Angel was here today.”

“Bloody hell, Dru, not again! Why are you doing this to me?! You promised…”

“I know. Your princess needs to be taught a lesson, so she won’t misbehave again.”

“Forget it, I’m not doing it.”

“What are you so afraid of? That you might enjoy it?”


Buffy swallowed. “Did you?”

“No!” He looked away. “Not at first.”


“That’s it, Spike, fuck me harder! Now, do it!” He hit her, which caused her to gasp for air, then laugh. “Yes! Feel that, Spike? Feel how wet I am? It’s all because of you, baby!”


He didn’t dare looking at Buffy, not wanting to see the disgusted look in her eyes. “I told myself, over and over, that it wouldn’t happen again. But she could be very persistent when she wanted something.”


“Punish me, Spike!”

“No.”

“Yes! I know you want to do it, hit me! Do it!”


“But…” Buffy closed her eyes, suddenly feeling sick. “If you hated it so much, why didn’t you just leave?”

Spike snorted. “Yeah, right. Like I didn’t try.”


“Come on, Dru, open the bleedin’ door! Oh God, what did you do?! Dru, no, don’t do this, wake up, look at me! Dru!!”


Buffy gasped in shock. “Oh God, she tried to…” She reached for his hand, but he got up, starting to pace the room.

“I realized later that she’d just been playing me, she didn’t take nearly enough pills, but how the bloody hell was I suppose to have known that at the time?!”


“I’m so sorry, Spike. But you said you’d leave me. I can’t live without you, I need you. Promise me you’ll never leave me!”

“I won’t.”


Buffy wiped away a few tears, forcing back a sob. “This is just too…” She inhaled, shakily. “I don’t know what to… How do you expect me to react at all this?”

Spike finally looked at her, a mixture of fear and exhaustion on his face. “I don’t know, Buffy. Why don’t you tell me?” She just looked at him, blankly. “How do you feel about me now?”



TBC

To say that Spike was nervous, or even worried, would have been a huge understatement. He was absolutely terrified. Buffy had yet to say a word, and he couldn’t take it anymore. “Please, say something.” His voice broke and he had to force back a sob, refusing to start bawling like a nancy-boy. “You hate me.” It was a statement, not a question, and suddenly he didn’t want to hear the answer. At that moment, he just wanted to be somewhere, anywhere, else.

Buffy did let out a sob then, tears rolling down her face. “God, Spike, don’t you know by now…” Another sob escaped from her throat, and she was dangerously close to losing it completely. “How can you think, even for one second, that I…” She was sobbing loudly now, realizing that he could hardly hear what she was saying. “…that I could ever hate you?”

He just stared at her, not understanding what she was saying, simply unable to take in what her words meant. Then he shook his head in denial. “You can’t…” He stopped, unsure of what it was he wanted to say.

Buffy seemed to be confused as well, looking at him through the tears. “Can’t what?”

He closed his eyes, angrily, refusing to let her see the tears he so desperately tried to hold back. “You can’t just say it’s okay. You can’t forgive me!”

She shook her head, approaching him slowly, as if she was afraid he’d turn around and run away. Truth to be told, the idea had occurred to him. “No. Because there’s nothing to forgive.” She took a shaky breath, wiping away the tears from her face. “Spike, you haven’t…”

“Don’t! Don’t say it! God, Buffy, you can’t possibly say you’re okay with this.”

He was crying now, without seeming to realize it, and it almost broke her heart. “Spike…” She took another step towards him, but he stubbornly backed away. “Spike, listen to me…”

“No!” He had backed up against the wall, panicking when he couldn’t get further away from her. Buffy reached out for him, but he raised his hands as a shield, to keep her from coming closer. “Don’t touch me!”

Buffy stopped in her tracks, tears threatening to fall again. “Please, I…” She swallowed hard. “I love you.”

Spike let out a bitter laugh, although it sounded more like a sob. “Don’t say that!” He glared at her. “You can’t love me. Because I’m bad, Buffy, I’m a bad man. What I’ve done to Dru for all this time is sick, and you can’t just accept it like it’s… like it’s normal, like I’m normal!” She had stopped trying to get through to him, now she was just standing there, waiting for him to get it all out.

He went on, his entire body shaking from the force of the emotions; “Don’t say you love me. I’m sick! I hurt people! Don’t forgive me…” He slid down to the floor, burying his face in his hands.

Buffy dropped to her knees next to him, careful not to touch him. She didn’t realize she was speaking until it was already to late to stop. “I’m not the one who has to forgive you. Because there’s nothing for me to forgive. But you have to forgive yourself.” He looked up at her then, his face a mixture of pain and confusion, and Buffy went on; “Drusilla was sick, not you. She was the one hurting you, can’t you see that? Because if you really love someone, you don’t make them do things they don’t want to do, no matter how much you might enjoy it.”

She hesitated for a moment, not wanting to go too far, but still having some things she needed him to hear. “A part of you got turned on, sure, but you can’t seriously say that you ever, in a million years, would’ve come up with the idea yourself if she hadn’t suggested it in the first place.” He just looked at her, then shook his head, slowly. Buffy was suddenly terrified of saying the wrong thing, when she finally seemed to be getting through to him. She ached to touch him, but didn’t dare, not yet.

“Spike, it wasn’t your fault, none of it, not the accident, and not what happened before that.” He opened his mouth to protest, but she raised her hand to stop him. “I don’t know what happened that day, not all of it anyway, but I do know that it was Drusilla who was behind the wheel, not you. And yet, for some reason, you’re blaming yourself for what happened. Am I right?” He looked away, and Buffy rolled her eyes. “Never mind, I know I’m right. I’ve known for a while now, but I just couldn’t understand why.” She gave him a sad smile. “I do now.”

He gave her a questioning look, like he wanted her to explain it to him. Buffy held out her hand, holding her breath, and almost cried with relief when he, after a moments hesitation, took it. When she started speaking again, she almost didn’t recognize her own voice. “You’ve been blaming yourself for everything, all this time, when you really should’ve been blaming her. And I think you’re feeling guilty because, deep down, you’re actually glad that she’s gone, even though you never wanted it to happen the way it did.”

When he didn’t object, Buffy went on; “You’re not a bad man, Spike. So you’ve made some mistakes. But who hasn’t?” He stared at her in disbelief, but didn’t say anything. She sighed. “Look, I’m not saying I’m not the least bit bothered by all this, it’s going to take some time to take it all in, but I’ll deal with it.” She gave him an almost pleading look. “We’ll deal with it together, okay? Just don’t shut me out.”

A tear rolled down his cheek, and he quickly wiped it away. “I don’t know how to deal with it.”

Buffy reached out for him then, silently praying that he wouldn’t pull away again. He didn’t, and she finally managed to pull him into her arms. She started rubbing his back, and he laid his head down to rest on her shoulder. “We’ll get through this, baby, I promise.” Her hand came up to play, softly, with his hair, and he let out a sigh. He was just so tired.

She kept mumbling soothingly in his ear, and he could finally feel himself relax, really relax, something he hadn’t been able to do for a really long time. Buffy had said that everything would be okay, and right now, for the first time, he actually dared to believe her.



TBC

”Hungry yet, luv?” Spike gave Buffy a questioning look, and she shook her head, firmly. They were still on the floor, still on the same spot, neither one of them had made any efforts of moving. They’d just been siting there, talking quietly, for hours. And even though there were still a lot of issues for both of them to work out, it finally seemed like, from now on, things would be a lot easier. Now, Buffy was exhausted, and she knew Spike had to be as well. But yet she didn’t want to get up, not wanting to ruin the tender moment they were having.

Buffy gave him a tired smile. “Nope, not hungry at all.” Her stomach suddenly decided to disagree, and let out a loud, growling sound. He raised his eyebrows, clearly amused, and she blushed. “Okay, maybe a little. But I’m just so comfortable here, don’t wanna get up.” She pouted.

“Yeah? Well, my back hurts like hell, can’t see what’s so bloody comfortable about this position.” Then he glanced at her, a mischievous look on his face. “Mind telling me why we’ve spent the last…” He checked his watch, eyes widening. “…hours, on the floor, when there’s a perfectly fine couch just a few feet away?”

She slapped him on the arm, rolling her eyes. Spike chuckled, then became serious. “Buffy, I love you.”

Buffy swallowed, not understanding why his sudden declaration almost brought new tears to her eyes. “I know that, baby. I love you too, so much.” Then, she couldn’t help but add; “And if you ever tell me again that I shouldn’t, I’ll kick your ass.”

He looked away, embarrassed about his earlier breakdown. “I’m sorry.”

She brought her hand up to his cheek, forcing him to look at her, then kissed him softly on the lips. “Stop saying that.” Spike gave her a weak smile, but seemed once again to be lost in his memories. “Spike?” He snapped out of it, looking at her with a somewhat cautious expression on his face. “It’s time to let go of the past and move on, for both of us. Together. Right?” He nodded, much to her relief. Then her stomach started making noises again, and she groaned. “Okay, this is seriously starting to bother me. Did you say something about breakfast before?”

Spike smiled then, happy to change the subject. “Let’s go to the kitchen then, and I’ll fix you something. Am a bit peckish myself.” He got up, and offered her his hand.

Buffy took it and let him pull her to her feet, smiling back at him. “Sounds great! I’ll help.”

They were halfway to the kitchen when the door bell rang. Spike frowned. “Mind getting that? I’ll get started with the food.” She nodded and headed for the door, opening it just as he disappeared into the kitchen.

Her smile disappeared when she saw who it was. “What are you doing here? I thought you’d left.”

Giles looked taken aback by her reaction. “Hello to you too, Buffy.”

She sighed. “Sorry, Mr Giles, I didn’t mean to be rude. It’s just that… I mean, you said…”

“That I’d go back to England, yes. I was on my way, had bought a ticket and everything. Then I realized…” He hesitated, as if he wasn’t sure of how much he should tell her. “I’m sorry, but I really wish to speak to William before I say anything more. If you don’t mind, I’m sure you understand?” It was obvious that he expected her to step aside and invite him in, but she remained where she was, arms crossed over her chest.

“Actually, this is not a good time.” His face fell, and she went on; “I’m sorry, you should’ve called first, would’ve saved you the trouble of coming here. I’ll let Spike know you were here though, then he can decide if he wants to contact you.” A part of her felt bad about the way she was talking to Giles, yet another part just couldn’t help herself. Remembering the look on Spike’s face when he’d told her about Giles’ abandoning him and his dying mother, and then how she, after he’d poured his heart out to her about one of the most painful moments in his life, had forced him to have dinner with his father, suddenly made her feel sick.

“Buffy?”

She jumped at the sound of Spike’s voice, having not heard him coming back into the living room. “It’s okay, Giles was just leaving.” She looked at the man standing outside the door, giving him a pleading look. “Right?”

Giles opened his mouth to say something, but Spike beat him to it. “It’s alright, Buffy. Do you mind leaving us alone for just a minute?”

Buffy gave him a doubtful look. “Are you sure?” He nodded. “Okay. I guess I’ll be in the kitchen.” She hesitated for a moment, giving Giles one last look before leaving the room.

“She certainly is…feisty.” Giles let out a nervous laugh as he entered the apartment.

Spike gave him a blank look. "What do you want?"

Giles sighed. “Look, I understand you’re not too happy to see me again, and I can’t say that I blame you, but will you just hear me out? Please?” Spike didn’t say anything, so he went on; “I’m staying here in Sunnydale. And I don’t mean just for a little while, I’ve decided not to go back to England.”

“What?” Spike stared at his father, the shock evident on his face. “Why?”

“Because…” Giles stopped, hesitating. “I just spoke to Jenny on the telephone, she doesn’t mind moving back here with the girls. In fact, she said she always knew it would be coming to this, it was all just a matter of time.” He chuckled. “Sometimes I believe that she knows me even better than I know myself.” Then he became serious. “I understand this comes as a bit of a shock for you, and to tell the truth, I have no expectations. I know I’ve let you down, and you don’t owe me anything. But all I’m asking for is a chance to prove to you that I have changed.”

Spike swallowed, suddenly at loss for words. Giles took the silence as a sign that he’d taken things far enough. He reached into his pocket, pulling out a small piece of paper. “Here’s the number to the hotel I’m currently staying at. I’m going to give you some time to take this in, that’s why I won’t be contacting you again for a while. But now you know where to find me, if… well.” He handed the paper to Spike, who took it after a moments hesitation.

“That was all, I suppose.” Giles opened the front door again, then stopped just before he was about to step outside. “I’m not going anywhere this time, William. Good bye for now.” With that he left, closing the door behind him.


TBC

When Spike got back into the kitchen, he found Buffy by the table, munching on some toast. She gave him an apologetic look. “Sorry, couldn’t wait, I was just too hungry.” She hurried to add; “There’s plenty more in the toaster. Want some coffee?”

He shook his head. “No thanks, pet. Not really hungry.”

Buffy immediately put her toast down, giving him a worried look. “Are you okay, what happened? What did he say to you?”

Spike sat down next to her, placing a soft kiss on her cheek. “I’m fine.” He hesitated before he went on. “Said he’d stay here in Sunnydale, that he’s moving back here for good.”

Buffy’s eyes widened. “Wow. That’s…” She wasn’t sure if it was good news or bad, and wanted to hear his opinion on the matter before saying anything. “How do you feel about that?” He just shrugged. “You have to feel something, come on, talk to me.”

He got up, suddenly looking annoyed. “I don’t have to do anything, Buffy. There’s nothing to talk about, just back the hell off!”

She swallowed, taken aback by his sudden outburst. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you.”

Spike sighed, closing his eyes for a moment, then sat back down again. “No, I’m sorry. And you didn’t.”

“Yes, I did.” Buffy looked down into her empty cup, a miserable look on her face.

He suddenly felt like the biggest jerk in the world. Once again he’d taken his anger out on Buffy, she’d done nothing to deserve that. “Buffy? Luv?” She looked up, tears threatening to fall. “It’s not you I’m mad at, sweetheart, I’m sorry I yelled at you. I just…” He stopped, not knowing how to explain.

“It’s okay.” Buffy blinked away the tears, forcing a smile. “We don’t have to talk about it, let’s just forget…”

“I mean, who the bloody hell does he think he is?! I’ve been fine, better than fine, without him for years, what gives him the right to think he can just go back to act like my father all of the sudden? Like I’d need him here anyway. Not bloody likely!” Spike jumped up from the chair again, angrily starting to pace the room.

Buffy got up too, grabbing his arm to stop him. “Spike, it’s okay…”

He stopped, abruptly, glaring at her. “It’s not okay! Why now, Buffy? Care to explain that to me, ‘cause I sure as hell can’t figure it out. He hasn’t given a damn about me for all this time, why does he have to come back now?”

Buffy opened her mouth to speak, then hesitated for a moment, choosing her words carefully. “Maybe he feels really bad about what he did, and just wants to make things right again.”

Spike snorted. “Yeah, right! If that’s so, why now? Why not last year, or before my mum died?” She looked away, mumbling something. “What was that?”

She sighed, taking a deep breath. “Are you sure he didn’t try back then? Maybe you…” She swallowed. “Maybe you were just too busy being angry at him to notice?”

His eyes narrowed. “It’s all my fault, is that what you’re saying?”

“No! Of course not.” Buffy rolled her eyes, angry at herself for not being able to find the right words. “There are no excuses for what he did. But I think he knows that. And I truly believe that he’s sorry for what he’s put you through. He has to be. Cause I don’t think your father’s really a bad person, he just made a really bad decision.” She paused, before finishing; “People do that sometimes.”

“I should know, right?” He gave her a cold look.

She frowned. “What?”

“You said, sometimes people make really bad decisions. But you’re not just talking about any people, you’re talking about me. You don’t think I have the right to blame my father for what he did, because of the things I’ve done. Right?”

Buffy stared at him in shock. “God, Spike, no! That is so not what I meant. Of course you have the right to…”

“You’re right, though.” He shrugged. “I’ve done some really bad things too, and you could forgive me. But I can’t forgive him. What kind of person does that make me?”

For a moment, Buffy just looked at him, dumbfounded. Then she grabbed his arm and pulled him back towards the chair. “That’s it. Sit!” He was too shocked to object, siting down without a word. “Now you’re going to listen to me, and I don’t want any interruptions. You understand?” He opened his mouth, then closed it again, merely nodding. “Good.”

She knelt down next to him, putting both her hands on his knees. “First of all, when are you going to get it into your thick head that you’ve done nothing that needs to be forgiven, least of all by me?” He opened his mouth again, about to protest, but she put her finger on his lips to stop him. “Uh-uh! What did I say about interrupting?” He closed his mouth again, and if she didn’t know better, she’d say he was pouting.

Giving him a warning look, to make sure he understood, she then went on; “Second of all, don’t you ever compare yourself to your father. Nobody forced him to leave all those years ago, he made that decision all by himself. You wanna know what kind of person you are? I’ll tell you. You’re a great person, someone who’s been through so much more in a few years than anyone should have to go through in a lifetime. And the fact that you still, after everything that’s happened, have so much love to give makes you more than just great. It makes you exraordinary. And I’ll be beyond grateful, for the rest of my life, that I’m the one who gets to be loved by you. And God knows that the love is more than mutual.”

He just stared at her, speechless. Then he swallowed, a tear rolling down his cheek. Buffy got up to her feet, then siting down on his lap, wrapping her arms around him. It only took a second before she felt his arms around her as well. They sat like that for a couple of minutes, then Buffy pulled back a little, looking him deep in the eyes. “I’m not saying that you have to forgive your father right away. I’m not even sure you should. He can’t go back and change the past, though, anymore than you can. But maybe, some day, you’ll be able to let him back into your life, not for him, but for yourself. Because, no matter what he’s done in the past, he’ll always be your father.”

For a moment, he didn’t say anything, and Buffy was a little afraid she’d gone too far. Then he sighed. “I hear what you’re saying, and it all sounds really good, in theory. But I don’t know if I can do it, Buffy. Right now, I don’t feel like I’ll ever be able to forgive him. I wish I could, I really do. But…” He sighed again. “I just don’t know.”

Buffy nodded, leaning over to kiss him. “I understand. And it’s okay. You don’t have to forgive him. But do you think you can at least accept the fact that maybe he really has changed, that he’s actually trying?”

Spike seemed to be thinking about it for a moment. Then he nodded. “Yeah, I guess so.” He paused for a second. “As long as I don’t have to have him over for dinner again any time soon.”

She blushed. “I did say I was sorry about that, didn’t I?”

“That you did. And I know you were just trying to help, but next time…” He gave her a firm look. “Don’t. At least not when it involves Rupert.” She nodded, looking ashamed. “Thank you.” Then he looked at the now forgotten food on the table. “You’re gonna finish that?”

She looked confused for a moment, then shook her head. “Not hungry any more. You?” He shook his head, and she suddenly realized how tired he looked. “How ‘bout we’ll clear up in here and go rest for a while?”

Spike frowned. “It’s ten thirty in the morning.”

Buffy shrugged. “So? Who says we can’t spend the entire day in bed if we want to?”

He couldn’t help but chuckle. “Well, when you put it that way, it actually sounds quite appealing.” She smiled, raising her eyebrows in a suggestive manner. “Right, here we go.” He got up, scoping her up in his arms.

She let out a squeal. “Spike! What about clearing up the kitchen?”

“Sod the bleedin’ kitchen!” She giggled, putting her arms around his neck as he carried her towards the bedroom.


TBC

”Spike, wait!” Buffy’s hand came to catch his, as it was caressing her thigh. They’d been lying in bed, cuddling for a while, and at some point their clothes had been removed.

He stopped immediately, looking ashamed. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to…”

“No, that’s not…” Buffy hesitated. “It’s not that I don’t want to, believe me. But are you sure you’re ready for this?”

Spike frowned at her. “Way to make me sound even more like a bloody nancy-boy, pet.”

Buffy rolled her eyes. “So not what I meant, and you know it.”

“Yeah, I do.” Spike leaned over to kiss her, which brought a smile on her face. She was more than happy to return the kiss, hungrily. Then he pulled back, looking her deep in the eyes. “Are you ready for this?” She just nodded, giving him an assuring smile. “Good.” He kissed her again. “I love you.”

Her smile grew even wider. “Love you too, baby.” She suddenly became shy, looking away in embarrassment. “You can, um… put your hand back now.”

Trying to hide his amusement, he obeyed, running his hand over her bare thigh again. “This okay, luv? You like it?” Her soft moan told him that she was more than okay with what he was doing. He started kissing her neck, slowly making his way down to her collar bone. She let out another moan as his hand went a little higher, coming to rest between her legs, and he soon became aware of how much she enjoyed it, as she started rubbing her clit against his hand.

Buffy’s arms tightened around him, and she shifted a little in her position to give him better access. “Mm, that’s it, feels so good! Whatever you’re doing, keep doing it!”


‘That’s it, Spike, keep doing it! That’s my boy! Do it again!’


Spike pulled back, abruptly, suddenly having heard Drusilla’s voice just as clearly had she been right there in bed with them. He gasped, the panic evident in his voice. “Don’t wanna hurt you!”

Buffy frowned, her face a mixture of confusion and concern. “What are you talking about, you haven’t…” Then she stopped, understanding dawning on her. “It’s okay, I’m not asking you to. All I want is for you to keep touching me.”

He blinked, snapping out of it. “Buffy, sorry, I…” He stopped then, not sure of what to say. Angry at himself for once again letting Drusilla come between them, and determined to give Buffy what she wanted, he started kissing her again, almost fiercely. His hand fumbled to find its way back down, one finger sliding inside her, then another one.

She gasped, from both shock and pleasure, although mostly pleasure, wrapping her arms around his neck. “Oh God, please don’t stop!”


‘Don’t stop, sweet William, feel how wet I am? Do it again, I know you want to. So hard, you’re enjoying this as much as I am, aren’t you?’


He pulled back again, closing his eyes to block out the memories. Buffy let go of him, giving him a worried look. “What’s wrong?”


‘What’s wrong, Spike? Afraid you might enjoy it?’


“Nothing’s wrong!” Seeing the hurt look on her face, he sighed. “It’s not you, okay? It’s me.” He let out a frustrated growl. “Sod this! I’m too screwed up to do this right.”

Buffy struggled to sit up, wrapping the bed sheet around her. Suddenly she felt very cold. “You want me to leave?” Seeing the sudden panic on his face, she relaxed a little. “Then what do you want?”

Spike looked at her in confusion, not sure he understood what she meant. “I want to be able to give you what you want, what you deserve. I want to make it good for you.”

She frowned again. “I asked you what you wanted, for yourself.” He just looked at her, a blank expression on his face, and Buffy tried to clarify; “What about what you want, what you deserve? What do you want me to do, to make it good for you.”

“That’s not…” Spike still looked confused, like the idea had never occurred to him before. “It’s not about me, pet, I…” He hesitated, suddenly feeling like his head was spinning. With Drusilla, it had never been about him, everything had always been about her. She hadn’t been deliberately mean, or selfish, at least he didn’t think so, it was just the way she was. And whenever he’d had enough and protested, she’d just looked at him with those big teary puppy-dog eyes, telling him how sorry she was and insisting that she needed to be punished.

And he fell for it every time. No matter how much he disliked it, she always managed to manipulate him into doing what she wanted. Except for that one, last time. And that had haunted him ever since, if he had given in to her wishes that day, Drusilla would still be alive. Not wanting to go there, he shook his head as if to clear it, suddenly realizing that Buffy was talking to him.

“… two people, right?”

Having not heard a word she’d said, he forced the bad memories to the back of his mind, giving Buffy an apologetic look. “Sorry, luv, what was that?”

Buffy looked at him patiently, repeating what she’d just said. “I said, we’re in this together. A relationship consists of two people, in this case you and me. What makes you think that your opinion doesn’t matter just as much as mine?”

He looked away, suddenly feeling very stupid. What Buffy was saying made perfectly sense, he couldn’t understand why he hadn’t seen it that way before. It was like, after gotten involved with Drusilla, he’d been completely brainwashed, and the guilt he still felt about her death didn’t exactly help. He sighed. “Buffy, are you sure you wanna do this?”

Having waited for him to answer her question, she was taken aback by the sudden change of subject. “Do what?”

“This. You and me.” He ran his fingers through his hair in frustration. “Are you sure that being with me is really what you want? Because I wasn’t kidding when I said I was screwed up. Sometimes I think I’m going insane here, Buffy. It’s like, even though she’s dead, she’s still messing with my head, and I don’t know how to make it stop. I don’t know if I can be what you want me to be, and if this is all too much for you, well let’s just say that I can’t exactly blame you if you want out.”

For a moment, Buffy was torn between wanting to take him into her arms and just hold him forever, or punch him in the face and scream in frustration. “Are you done?” He looked a little surprised, but nodded. “Okay.” She slapped him on the arm, a little harder than she’d first intended.

“Ow! What the bleedin’…?!” He rubbed his arm, glaring at her. “Why’d you do that for?!”

Buffy glared back at him. “Because you’re being a jerk, that’s why.” Her face softened, and she suddenly looked sad. “Nothing that I say is ever going to be enough, is it? You have any idea how damn frustrating this is? I try and I try, again and again, to make you see that I’ll always love you, no matter what. But still you have doubts in me. What more can I do, Spike, to make you see that my feelings for you are real? What more than ‘I love you’ can I say?”

“I… I don’t know.” He paused, as if he was thinking hard about something. “I mean, I do know how you feel about me. I just…” He looked her in the eyes. ”I just don’t understand how you can be so patient with me, is all.”

She smiled a little then. “Me neither. You can be really thick-headed sometimes.” He glared at her, pretending to be offended, then couldn’t help but chuckle. Buffy took his hand, squeezing it gently, then became serious. “Have you ever considered talking to anyone about all of this? I mean, like a…”

“Like a shrink?” Spike grimaced. “Don’t think so, luv. Pouring my heart out to a complete stranger - not exactly my thing.”

Buffy nodded. “I understand. But maybe…”

Spike interrupted her. “I said no, Buffy. Just let it go.” Buffy pouted a little. “And that’s not going to help, so just drop it.”

She rolled her eyes. “Fine. But you have to promise me one thing.”

He gave her a suspicious look. “What’s that?”

“That you’ll stop trying to push me away, ‘for my own good’. I know exactly what I want, and that is to be with you. Nothing else matters.”

Smiling a little, he leaned over and kissed her, first on the forehead, then on the lips. “Think I can do that.”

Buffy let out the breath she’d been holding. “Good.” Then she giggled. “You do realize that we’re still lying here in bed, naked?”

Raising his eyebrows, Spike reached out to softly caress her stomach, causing her to moan as his hand went lower. “Your point is…?”

“My point is, either we’ll just get dressed, or…” Now it was her eyebrows that went up, and she smiled sweetly, waiting for him to take the hint. She wasn’t disappointed.

“Or, we could do this.” Buffy let out an ‘eep’ as he rolled them over so he was now on top of her. Then he kissed her again.

“Mmm… Wait! Are you sure…?” Buffy tried to pull back so she could look at him, but he stopped her by catching her lips again, and she happily gave in. As he slid inside her, both of them felt like they’d finally come home.



TBC

The night was dark, and it was raining. Inside the car Drusilla pouted, glancing over at Spike who was siting in the passenger seat. ‘You’re still mad at me.’ She let out a miserable sigh, her attention now back on the road.

Spike snorted. ‘I’m not mad, I’m bloody pissed off!’ He glared at her, but she refused to meet his eyes. ‘How long did it take this time, Dru? A day? Less? How long since you promised me that it wouldn’t happen again?’

She looked at him then, tears welling up in her eyes. ‘I’m so sorry, Spike. I’ve been…’

‘Don’t!’ He rolled his eyes. ‘I’m really not in a mood for this.’ She let out a whimper, and the tears started rolling down her cheeks. For some reason, that only made him angrier. ‘Oh bloody hell, will you stop that?! And watch the bleedin’ road.’

‘Why are you being like this?’ Now she sounded more annoyed than upset.

He sighed. ‘I just don’t get it, Dru. You say you love me, but then you always go to that ponce. If it’s him you really want, why don’t you just say so?’

‘It’s not like that.’ The sadness in her voice was back. ‘You know my Angel means nothing to me. It’s you that I…’

‘Save it, Dru, that’s bollocks and you know it! If that was true, you wouldn’t call him my Angel, for one thing.’ It wasn’t the first time they were having this conversation, but suddenly he was just so tired of it all. ‘Just stop the car, I’m out of here.’ Instead of slowing down, Drusilla put her foot down on the accelerator, causing the car to go faster. He gave her an irritated look. ‘I said, stop the bloody car.’

She smiled then, and it was something about that smile that made his skin crawl. ‘I will. If you promise to give me what I deserve.’

He groaned. ‘Forget it.’

Her smile disappeared. ‘If that’s the way you want it, fine. Then I’m not stopping.’

Tired of her games, he just sighed again. ‘Fine, just drive us home then.’ He leaned back in his seat, closing his eyes in frustration. Sometimes he couldn’t help but wonder why he kept putting up with this. A part of him knew that their relationship was nothing more than a joke, and he was more than tired of it most of the time. But yet he stayed with her, trying to make it work between them, trying to be what she wanted him to be. Because he was convinced that she, deep down, really did love him, and wasn’t deliberately trying to hurt him. And that was all he really wanted; to love, and to be loved back in return.

Unfortunately, he didn’t love Drusilla, no matter how hard he tried to convince himself otherwise. But he did feel something for her, and sometimes, he could almost fool himself into thinking that what he felt was love. The little voice inside his head, screaming at him to leave, that he deserved better than this, he stubbornly choose to ignore.

Because he was convinced that this was his destiny, to go through life unhappy and unloved. There was only one woman he really wanted to be with, and she would never feel the same way about him. Guilty for secretly dreaming of someone else, someone better, he tried even harder to love Drusilla, to please her. But no matter what he did, it was just never enough. And even though his heart wasn’t all in their relationship, it still hurt to find out that Drusilla, again and again, went to find her happiness elsewhere.

Sometimes he wished that she would just leave him, that she would be the one to end their relationship so he wouldn’t have to. Even more, he wished that he would be strong enough to walk away. But he’d tried once and, in fear of what she’d might do if he really did leave her, he didn’t dare trying again. Of course, that only made him hate himself even more for his pathetic weakness.

Feeling the car suddenly make a sharp turn, Spike’s eyes snapped open. He realized that Drusilla had steered the car off the main road, and on to a much smaller. Frowning, he gave her a look of confusion. ‘Where are we going?’ She didn’t answer. ‘Dru? What are we doing here?’ She still didn’t say anything, just kept driving, and it was starting to seriously freak him out.

She smiled a little then. ‘No one will be out here except for us. You can do whatever you want with me, and not a single soul will ever find out.’ Her smile grew wider. ‘The idea turns you on, admit it. You’ll be able to hurt me as much as you’d like…’ She made a pause before finishing; ‘… and then, my sweet William, you can fuck me until I bleed.’

Suddenly he felt sick, staring at her in disbelief. ‘You’ve got to be fuckin’ kidding me!’ He shook his head in exasperation. ‘It’s not happening, Dru. Turn the car around. Come to think of it, just stop, I’m driving from now on.’

Drusilla didn’t stop, nor did she turn around. Instead she gave him a thoughtful look. ‘You’re not doing it, are you?’

Snorting, Spike rolled his eyes. ‘That’s right, I’m not. Not now, not ever again. This has got to stop, Dru, I mean it.’ He reached over to grab the steering wheel, causing her to let out a furious cry in protest. ‘Dammit, Dru, it’s enough! Stop the bleedin’ car, now!’

She laughed, the sudden fit of rage forgotten. ‘Do you want me to stop?’ Before he could say anything, she went on; ‘Do you want to die, William?’

He froze, staring at her with wide eyes. ‘What the bloody hell are you on about? This isn’t funny, Dru.’

Giggling, she repeated in a sing-song voice; ‘Do you want to die, William? Do you want to die?’

‘Shut up!’ He grabbed the wheel again, intending to force her to stop, or at least slow down. Instead she slapped him, hard on the face. His hand went up to his burning cheek and he glared at her, shock and fury evident on his face. ‘You stupid bint, what the hell’s wrong with you?!’

She laughed again, obviously turned on by his anger. ‘Now, do you want to hurt me?’

He raised his hand without thinking, then, as realization hit him, he lowered it again with a defeated sigh. ‘No.’

Her face fell, and she turned her eyes back to the road. ‘Very well. I won’t ask again.’

For a moment he felt relief washing over him. Then he realized that the speed was still accelerating. ‘Slow down, Dru! You’re going too fast.’

‘It’s time now.’ Drusilla sounded both excited and a little sad as she let go of the steering wheel.

Before he got the chance to even react, the cliff seemed to have appeared from nowhere, and he could hear Drusilla laughing next to him. ‘Dru, watch out for…!’

Everything went black.


“Think I hit my head on the wind screen, passed out for a while. When I woke up, Dru was still unconscious.” Spike shrugged. “I tried to wake her up so I could get her out, but it was so bloody hot. I realized that…”


The car was on fire. Trying not to panic, he fumbled with the seat belt, finally managing to get it open. ‘Dru? Come on, luv, wake up! We have to get out of here.’ He tried to get her seat belt off, but it was stuck. ‘Fuck!’ Then, much to his relief, he could hear the sound of sirens coming closer. Reaching for the door handle, he had to struggle with it for a moment before he managed to get the door to open.

The throbbing pain in his head, from where he’d hit the wind screen, almost made him pass out again, and he dropped to his knees outside the burning car. When he tried to get up, he saw the blood on his hands, and realized that he must had cut them on the broken glass. Scrambling to his feet, he stumbled away from the burning car.

Suddenly there were people everywhere, complete strangers, screaming and crying around him, and he just wanted to tell them to shut up. In a daze, he watched the firemen rushing over to the car, trying to put out the fire that now made it impossible to see anything through the broken windows. He knew then that it was too late, that they wouldn’t be able to save her, that she was already gone. He waited for the pain and grief to hit him, but all he felt was… nothing.


TBC

“Buffy?” Spike gave her a worried look when she had yet to say anything. “You okay, pet?”

She seemed to snap out of it, staring at him in disbelief. “After what you just told me, you’re asking me that?” He just shrugged, and Buffy suddenly felt like she was going to be sick. “You’re saying Drusilla… that she tried to…” She couldn’t finish the sentence.

Spike sighed. “Knew I shouldn’t have told you this.”

“No, I’m glad you did. But…” Buffy swallowed. “You do realize that she was sick, right? I mean, you can’t possibly blame yourself for anything she did?”

He shrugged again. “It’s complicated.”

Buffy snorted. “Complicated, my ass! I can’t believe you’re actually defending her, after everything she’s put you through!”

Spike got up, suddenly feeling a headache coming up. “I’m not defending her! But what do you want me to say? That she still would’ve been dead, even if it wasn’t for me? We both know that’s not true.”

“Spike…” She got up as well, reaching out for him, but he took a step back.

“Don’t, Buffy. Don’t look at me like that.”

She frowned. “Like what?”

“Like that!” He rolled his eyes. “I don’t want your soddin’ pity, Buffy, that’s not why I told you this. You don’t have to feel sorry for me.”

“That’s not…!” Buffy glared at him. “I mean, if you think…!” She stopped, taking a few deep breaths to calm down. “You wanna know what I feel? I can assure you, it has nothing to do with pity. I feel…” She became quiet for a moment. “I hate her, more than I’ve ever hated anyone before in my entire life!” Spike opened his mouth to say something, but Buffy went on; “I’ve never even talked to her in person, and I hate her so much it chokes me. And I’m glad she’s dead, because if she wasn’t…” She blinked away some tears, refusing to let them fall. “…then I gladly would’ve killed her myself for what she did to you.”

“Buffy…” Spike sighed again. “Not that I don’t appreciate hearing that you wouldn’t mind committing murder for me, but… Any chance you can just let this go?” He had finally decided to tell Buffy everything about the accident because he didn’t want there to be any more secrets between them. But now he wondered if it really had been the right thing to do. The sympathy he now saw in her eyes was almost too much for him to handle, and he was convinced that he didn’t deserve it.

“Let it go?! Spike…!” Buffy realized that she was yelling, and forced herself to lower her voice. “How can you say that? What’s the matter with you, it’s like you refuse to see that what she did was wrong. God, what has she done to you to make you act like this?”

“Oh, I know it was wrong.” Spike let out a bitter laugh. “You said she was sick. Maybe you’re right. But what does that make me then?”

She stared at him. “It’s not your fault that she got off on…”

Spike interrupted her. “No. But it was my fault that it went as far as it did. Don’t you see it, Buffy? I let her manipulate me into going along with her soddin’ games.” He paused as realization hit him. “She was sick, and she needed help. But instead of helping her, I just went along with it, like it was okay. I made her think that what we were doing was okay.”

Buffy felt like her head was spinning. “No, she made you think…”

Spike was beyond frustrated. “Dammit, Buffy, why can’t you just see that I’m the one to blame here?!”

“Stop yelling at me!” Buffy glared at him, furiously stomping her foot.

He stopped, looking taken aback by her outburst. “I… I’m sorry.”

Buffy’s bottom lip started to tremble. “Spike, I love you…”

“I know…”

She raised her hand to stop him, and went on; “…but you’ll have to stop taking your anger out on me.” He looked ashamed, lowering his eyes. Buffy sighed. “Look, Spike, I understand you feel guilty about what happened, I really do. And I’m sorry. It’s over now, though. Drusilla is beyond help. But you’re not.”

He looked at her in confusion. “What are you on about? I don’t need any help.”

Buffy gave him a sad smile. “Yes you do, and the fact that you don’t realize that…” She hesitated. “When was the last time you got to sleep the entire night without nightmares?” He opened his mouth, then closed it again, shrugging. “Don’t you see? It’s not going to stop. Even though she’s dead, she’s still ruining your life, messing with your head. You said so yourself.”

Spike looked away. “What are you saying?”

She cupped his cheek, forcing him to look at her. “I’m saying that it’s time for you to go talk to someone about all of this, someone professional. Someone who can help you deal with the guilt you’re feeling.” Seeing that he was about to protest, she hurriedly went on; “Because if you don’t, I fear that it will eventually tear us apart, and I don’t want that.”

Seeing how shaken he suddenly looked, she silently prayed that she'd finally gotten through to him. He swallowed. “I don’t want that either.”

Buffy was more than relieved. “Okay, good. That’s a start.”

“But I don’t…” Spike hesitated, unsure of how to explain. “I don’t know if I can just tell some stranger about all of this, it would just feel…” He shrugged. “…weird.”

“At first, maybe.” Buffy nodded in understanding. “But I truly believe it would help, in the long run. I mean it.”

He seemed reluctant, but nodded as well. “Alright. If that’s what you want, I’ll do it.”

Frowning, Buffy put both of her hands on his shoulders, looking him in the eyes. “What about you? What do you want?”

Spike sighed, rolling his eyes. “I want to get past this, so we can both move on, together. I don’t want this to come between us anymore.” She smiled then, and he pulled her into his arms. “I love you, Buffy. If you really think me talking to someone is the only way to get through this, then I will.”

Buffy let out the breath she’d been holding, wrapping her arms around him. “Thank you. I love you so much, you know that.” She pulled back, and their eyes met. “Right?”

He smiled at her, kissing her softly on the lips before answering. “Yeah, I know.”



TBC

~~Epilogue - four months later~~


“Buffy?” Spike smiled when he saw her, half-lying comfortably on the couch in front of the tv. “Didn’t think you’d be here yet.” He closed the door behind him and dropped his leather duster on a nearby chair.

She smiled back at him, sitting up. “I know, but I missed you. I decided to come early, I didn’t think you’d mind.”

He walked over to the couch, sitting down next to her and pulled her into his arms for a hug. She happily returned the embrace. “Of course I don’t mind. You know I love having you here.”

“You better!” Then she became serious. “How long do you reckon it’ll take us to drive there? We don’t wanna be late.”

“Speak for yourself.” Spike groaned, slumping back on the couch. “Do we have to go?”

Buffy shook her head. “No, we don’t, not if you don’t want to.” She paused. “But we already said we’ll be there…”

He sighed. “Never mind, we’re going. But we won’t stay long.”

She gave him an assuring smile. “We won’t.”

“One hour at the most.”

Buffy rolled her eyes. “One hour won’t even be enough to finish dinner.”

“Oh bloody hell! Fine, two then. But that’s it.” He gave her a firm look.

Smiling sweetly at him, Buffy leaned over and kissed him on the cheek. “Sure, honey.”

“I mean it, Buffy. Two hours, then I’m leaving, with or without you.” She pouted. “Oh, stop that, will you!”

She looked at him, a thoughtful expression on her face. “You really don’t wanna go, do you?”

Spike shrugged. “Not really, no. But if we won’t be there, he’ll just keep nagging about it. Might as well just get it over with.”

Buffy frowned. “With that attitude, we’ll might as well just stay home. Nothing good is gonna come out of tonight if you’re gonna be like that.” Her face softened, and she put her hand on his arm. “Seriously, Spike, we don’t have to do this. I can call and cancel, I don’t mind. I’m sure he’ll understand, and if not, well then he’ll just have to deal with it.”

Seeing the sincere look in Buffy’s eyes, and knowing that she’d do it in a heartbeat if he’d ask her to, Spike knew that he’d be going after all. If anyone had told him a couple of months ago that he’d go to his father’s house, willingly, to have dinner with him and his new family, he would’ve just laughed. Buffy would’ve had to drag him there, kicking and screaming. “S’okay, luv. It’s just dinner, right? Doesn’t mean everything’s forgiven, though.”

“Of course not.” Buffy took his hand, squeezing it gently. “He just wants you to be there, he doesn’t expect you to suddenly act like everything’s all hugs and puppies.”

He snorted. “Good, ‘cause I don’t see that happening anytime soon.” He paused. “I’m trying here, Buffy, I really am. But I can’t promise you anything.”

She gave him a small smile. “I know, baby, and that’s okay. This is good, though. A couple of months ago, you would’ve refused to even set foot in your father’s house. You don’t have to forgive him yet, but the fact that you can at least be in the same room as him, without wanting to kill him, is a really good sign.”

“Not sure about that yet.” He smiled, though, and Buffy snuggled closer to him on the couch.

“Have I told you lately how happy I am? And I’m so proud of you.” He ducked his head in embarrassment. “Hey, I mean that! Just watch how far you’ve come in such short time.”

Spike shrugged. “Haven’t been all simple.”

“I know.” That was true. To say that the past few months had been difficult would have been be a huge understatement. Although Spike had agreed to go see a therapist, he was most reluctant to the idea, and didn’t bother to hide how he felt about it. Buffy had tried to be loving and patient, but sometimes it was really hard. Spike had gone to his sessions but afterwords he was always angry and hostile, and Buffy knew that, even though he never said anything, a part of him was blaming her for making him go there, forcing him to face his inner demons.

Sometimes he stopped, realizing what he was putting her through, and the guilt he was feeling then knew no limits. Then he would apologize to her, over and over, promising that things would be different and beg her not to leave him. Of course, she always forgave him, and after lots of tears, talking and yelling they always ended up in bed. At first, as far as Buffy was concerned, the only positive thing that came out from their heated encounters was the hot and steaming make-up sex, but after a while she started to realize that after every conflict, no matter how painful it was at the time, she and Spike actually grew closer.

And after a couple of months, things were finally starting to look up a bit; Spike no longer came back from every therapy session mad at the rest of the world, and their relationship continued to grow stronger. In fact, lately they had started talking about Buffy moving in to his apartment for real. Buffy had also gotten a job, behind the counter at a small shop called ‘The Magic Box’. The owner of the shop was a young, refreshingly blunt woman named Anya Jenkins.

Giles, true to his words, stayed in Sunnydale, and it didn’t take long before he bought a house there and moved in with his wife and twin daughters. He also kept his promise to give Spike some time to take in the changes, but that didn’t stop him from calling every week, asking Spike and Buffy to come over to the house for dinner. At first Spike simply refused, stubbornly keeping their conversations as short and concise as possible, but after a while it seemed like he was slowly starting to get used to the idea that his father was there to stay.

And then last week, Giles had once again called and asked them both to come over, and Spike had finally, much to both Giles and Buffy’s surprise, agreed to come. Buffy wasn’t naïve enough to think that everything would go just as smooth from now on, but at least now they were finally heading in the right direction. It was a ‘two steps forward – one step back’ kind of thing, and she could live with that.

“Things will get better now, yeah?” Spike flung his arm around Buffy’s shoulders, and she happily snuggled closer to him.

“Think so, yeah.” She smiled when he, abscently, started to run his fingers through her hair. “And if you absolutely wanna leave after an hour and a half, I won’t mind.” Then she got a mischievous look in her eyes. “In fact, I’ll even let you drive tonight, then we can leave whenever you want.”

“Let me…?” Spike snorted. “Very funny, pet. You’re not getting anywhere near the drivers seat of my car, and you know it.”

Buffy pulled back, glaring at him. “Hey, I don’t drive that bad!”

“Right.” Spike chuckled. “Keep telling yourself that, luv.”

She pouted. “You’re mean.”

“But you still love me.”

Rolling her eyes, Buffy let him pull her back into his arms. “Yeah, I do.”

“You know…” Spike gave her a sexy grin that made her knees go week. “We have about an hour before we’ll have to be over at Rupert’s. I don’t know about you, but I don’t mind being a bit late.” He went on, a teasing note in his voice; “And since I’m driving, you’ll just have to deal.”

She tried to stay serious. “You don’t say? What did you have in mind?”

He shrugged, an innocent expression on his face. “Just thought we could… rest for a while.” He raised his eyebrows in a suggestive manner, gesturing towards the bedroom.

Buffy had to bite her tongue to keep from giggling, giving him a just as innocent look. “I’m really not that sleepy.”

“Well, that works out nicely then. ‘Cause sleeping…” He jumped up from the couch and scooped her up into his arms, causing her to squeal. “…was the last thing on my mind.” With that he placed a soft kiss on her lips, and carried her into the bedroom.



The End (?)

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A/N: An idea for a possible sequel just popped up, but I don't know yet if it'll happen. Although, if enough people think that there should be one, I might feel obliged to write it. Please let me know what you think!