When the world decided to stop spinning from her lovely venture through Sunnydale’s latest magically induced portal, Buffy’s vision decided to come into focus.

“Well, guess that worked.”

Hearing various voices echoing through the cavern, she slowly walked towards the sound to find a group of three men in full tribal dress.

I guess the watcher’s council wore different threads back in the day.

“Hello? I’m Buffy. I’m the Slayer.”

All three men turned to look at her and suddenly Buffy found herself feeling as if she were a hog being judged for meat quality. All in all, the glances seemed far more appraising that encouraging.

“Umm…sorry for interrupting your little chanting session, but this is kinda an emergency.”

Slowly, one of the men dressed in a red tribal headdress separated himself from his fellows and walked over to the young woman standing on the edge of their sanctuary. Although he spoke in a foreign language Buffy found herself understanding him perfectly.

“You have finally come.”

Great, another all knowing mystic dude, oh well, here goes nothing…

“Uh, yeah. I came to-“

The man silenced her with a single hand, “We know why you are here, you seek to find an end to the First Evil.”

Wow, got it in one.

“Yes, yes I do. How can-“

“There is only one way to defeat it.” And again with the interrupting. “And unfortunately you must find the power to do so yourself. We no longer have the spirit of the First slayer at our disposal. Her essence already resides within you, there is no more to give.”

“You have no more to give? What in the hell is that supposed to mean? I thought you guys were supposed to save us, not run out of funding.”

The old man’s face split into a smile that was a strange mixture of disapproval and amusement.

“The power you seek was once taken from a great demon queen. A queen who is no longer living and whose essence still remains as a guiding power for you, as well as your future and past sisters.

Great, just great, I arrange a portal, get stuck in a strange dimension, get accosted by bossy tribal watchers, and all I have to show for it is… wait a minute.

“Hold on, did you say *demon* queen?”

The man’s face once again broke into that strange grin that seemed to reveal so little and yet so much of his inner thoughts.

“Why, of course, did you think such strength was derived from a mortal?”

Buffy was stunned; there was no other way to describe the sense of confusion and icy shock that was begging to slowly spread throughout her body. Was he implying what she thought he was?

“But… slayers are fighters of the light. How can we fight evil if we are evil?”

Now the man appeared to be simply puzzled.

“And whoever said that demon equivocated evil? There is no evil or good, just light and darkness. You fight the dark within the dark, and therefore in order to defeat your enemy we made it part of you.”

Buffy couldn’t believe it. In all of her years of being a slayer she had never questioned that her power had been nothing more than a gift from the Powers that Be. The old man had to be wrong. There was no way she could be-

“I see the doubt on your face young one, but be assured that I do not error. Do not fear. You may hold a component of the night within you but you still live within the day. No amount of demonic power will ever be able to conquer that. We have assured it by placing spells of protection into your line that are woven within the very particles of your being.”

Wow, that’s a relief. I only get to be part demon, geez glad that’s cleared up.

Buffy tried, but failed to keep the sarcasm completely from her voice, “Forgive me if I am not thrilled at this little revelation. I was taught-“

“You were taught incorrectly. And we do not have the time to correct your lessons. You have no choice but to accept your origins for they are irreversible, and I have no doubt that you will find a way to adapt. What we must do now is give you the power you need to defeat the First Evil.”

Now it was Buffy’s turn to appear confused, “But I thought you said that you couldn’t help me. That all the hocus pocus had run out.”

The old man smiled once more.

God, I wish he would stop doing that. I am so not seeing anything worth smiling about here.

“I said that this council could not supply any of the original slayer’s essence. However, we can allow you to drain the demonic presence from another. We can allow you to take another beings’ power and infuse it within yourself.”

“Right… and if I don’t want to be a power-sucking leach?”

This time there was no smile. In fact, the elder appeared absolutely solemn as his voice once again filled the darkness, “Then you will perish.”

Buffy’s face slowly began to fall in realization of the inevitability of the task that lay before her, but she steeled herself as the elder moved towards her. In his hands he held before him a slim silver chain upon which hung a single emerald pendant.

“Through this charm you will be able to absorb the power of a single demon into yourself. Its power combined with yours will be what will assist you in defeating the First Evil. However, choose wisely, the charm may only be used once and only a strong demonic spirit will be able to coincide with the one you already hold.”

As Buffy reached out and took the amulet the world around her began to fade, and she cried out once more in desperation, “But how will I know how to use it?!”

“Find your donor. The amulet will take care of the rest.”

Buffy only had time to once more glance at the tribal leader’s strange grin before she suddenly found herself standing in her living room… the amulet slowly swinging from her now shaking hand.

Buffy glances around the room at the shocked and worried expressions of her friends, inwardly debating just how much she should tell them about her little trip to the past.

/I can’t let them know what I really am. They’ll never be able to accept it./

Her gaze slid past a group of potentials and finally settled on the one person she instinctively knew would understand.

“I see that you got your coat back.”

/Ah, and there’s the smirk we all know and love./

“Got back a little more than that luv.”

Buffy smiles, taking some form of courage from his newly re-found bravado, and turns back to look at the people who had become a family to her over the years; praying that what would have to happen next would not cost her their friendship.

/If Spike can get his balls back then so can I. /

“Alright guys, I know that you are not going to like what I am about to tell you but if you are really my friends then you will accept what I have to say and will help me. “

“Buffy, I’m sure-“

Buffy looks over at the man who means more to her than her biological father ever could, and suddenly falters, not sure if he will still love her when he finds out that his precious slayer is really a demon in disguise. But the Kennedy clears her throat in irritation, causing Buffy to turn and catch the expressions of several Potentials, the hope in their eyes gives her the strength to squash her rising doubt.

/ I don’t have time for this, the only thing that matters right now is getting us all through this safely./

“Not now Giles. Everyone please pay attention. The spell worked, I was able to meet with the original council…. The good news is that they knew of a way to help me defeat the First…”

Xander’s face was it’s usual mixture of cynicism and loyalty as he moved towards his obviously shaken friend, a contradicting myriad of emotions that Buffy somehow found as reassuring as it was confusing, “And the bad news…”

Buffy sighs and moves towards the sofa.

“You guys might want to sit down for this.”


Two hours later…

“So what you are saying is that all the slayers got their juice from some kinda mega-demon?”

“Not the way I would have put it Xander, but sure.”

Xander’s eyes grow wide with shock as he falls back against his chair, his mind desperately trying to merge what he has just been told with his previous beliefs concerning the girl before him. It just didn’t’ seem possible that Buffy could hold anything demonic within her. She was the slayer after all, she was supposed to fight evil, not be evil.

“Well that actually explains a good deal.”

Several shocked expressions turn towards the watcher, all eyes demanding an explanation for his sudden acceptance of the situation.

“Oh do stop looking at me like that. I had often wondered why all slayers were female and now we know. T he original council was only able to procure a *queen* demonic power, therefore a female vessel was needed.”

“B-but aren’t you a upset that Buffy is part demon?”

Willow’s eyes were wide, as if she had not meant to voice the question out loud. But the damage had been done and the anxious expression on his Slayer’s face was in itself enough to inform Giles that his opinion on this matter was important to the girl.

“Willow, while I am certainly not thrilled at the prospect I am far from surprised. The kind of power welded by the Slayers is one of great strength as well as great uncertainty. I have always somewhat dreaded eventually finding the source to her power and now that it has happened I can only be grateful that the truth is not as horrific as it could have been.”

Buffy’s shoulders sag in relief as she turns grateful and teary eyes towards her watcher.

“That being said, I suggest that we now turn our attention toward finding a demonic donor for Buffy. For as much as I hate what she must do, I don’t see any other alternative. And it is going to be extraordinarily difficult to find a demon willing to give over his life for a slayer.”

“Wait a minute, I thought they said it would just have to give over its power, not its life.”

“Buffy, no body can survive without its essence. And it is within its essence that a demon’s power resides.”

“But-“

“Hold just one second G-Man, I’m not so sure about this…”

At Xander’s objection the rest of the Scoobies simultaneously decide to come back into the two leaders’ conversation.

“Don’t look at me, I’m not even a little bit demonic anymore.”

“Wow, always knew she had to be part demon. But would Mom listen? No-“

“Giles! We can’t turn Buffy into more of a demon than she already is! I mean..being part demon is bad-“

“ENOUGH!!”

The room quiets as all eyes turn towards the irate vampire now standing on top of the coffee table. Seeing that the has caught their attention, Spike nods once and steps down to stand where he can now face the frantic Scoobies.

“Look, I know you lot aren’t thrilled about the Slayer being part demon… but complainin’ about it isn’ gonna do any good. The way I see it, the Slayer has always had a bit of demon in her and havin a bit more isn’t going to really change anything…. That being said, I think you require my services Slayer.”

Buffy could only be astounded by the vampire’s loyalty. After all she had done, after all he had been through… he had given her everything and was still willing to part with the little bit that was left.

“No Spike, I can’t let you do th-“

But before the slayer can finish she is interrupted by her suddenly irate watcher.

“Can’t let him? Buffy, you do realize that Spike is probably your surest chance of ensuring that nothing goes wrong during the ritual, don’t you? For once, let him actually be good for something other than cannon fodder.”

“I can’t believe your saying this! After all he’s done for us you would let him just die?”

“Yes Buffy, I would. It is a sacrifice that I, and I am sure Spike, is willing to make.”

“I can’t do this, I- I just… I can’t! Not again!” She turns around and fixes teary eyes on the vampire before her. “I won’t kill you, there has to be another way.”

With those parting words Buffy turns on her heel and heads towards the sanctuary of her bedroom, so preoccupied in her thoughts that she never heard Spike’s footsteps following her up the stairs.

Spike stepped into Buffy’s room to find her sitting on the bed with her head bent between her legs and her face covered in her hands. His plan to force her into seeing reason dissipated as soon as he walked past her doorstep, and he found himself slowly walking up to sit beside her on the bed.

“Buffy…”

The blonde finally looks up and Spike is stunned to see that her eyes are glistening with unshed tears.

“Oh Spike…how can you possibly agree to do this? Don’t you get it? You do this…you die.”

Spike was too busy being shocked by the fact that Buffy cared enough to ask about his welfare to properly answer her. It wasn’t until she took his face in her hands that he remained in the present long enough to remember his purpose for coming in the first place.

“Spike? Are you with me?”

/She touches me for the first time in months and expects me to focus?/

“Uh, yeah. Yeah I am. Buffy, it’s not that I don’t appreciate your concern, because believe me luv, I do. It’s that this world is more important than you and I. And besides, I’m not altogether uncertain that the world wouldn’t be a better place without me in it.”

“Spike. Don’t say that. Yeah, your past isn’t perfect but that doesn’t mean you deserve to die. Your one of us now. Whether the scoobies like it or not.”

“And here I thought I was just useless.”

Buffy let’s her hands drop from Spike’s face and looks down at the bed in shame.

“Spike…I-“

“Don’t. You were right, I needed to get back in the game. Don’t apologize for doing what you had to… and don’t keep me from doing what I have to.”

Buffy just continues to glare at him, her eyes cold and defiant

“Why don’t you just think about it luv. But please, try to see the reason in it. I’m not worth ending the world over, we both know that. And I don’t want to risk you to another demon. Yeah, dying is not my favorite past time but if it means that you and the lil’ bit will be safe I’m willing to do it.”

Without saying another word Spike turns and exits the bedroom, leaving behind a very conflicted and confused slayer.

Spike made it all the way to the basement before his face fell and the sorrow once again began to consume him. His only consoling thought as he lay down on his narrow cot was that it would soon all be over. He had flown across the world and obtained his soul only to have it all end in just a few months. The man inside him screamed at the injustice of the situation but the demon rejoiced at the upcoming end to its suffering.
He rolled over and focused on the door above him, wondering how long it would take Buffy to realize that his death would be but a small ripple in the long run. She may be having a crisis of conscience now but she would come around. And at least he would go out a hero, his death meaning much more than his life ever did.


Buffy continued to gaze at the spot where Spike had sat and desperately tried to think of a way out of being forced to choose him as her donor. It really wasn’t fair.

/What is it with me and having to kill my boyfriends in order to save the world? Or…rather my ex-boyfriend, er, sex-buddy…./

The young slayer’s musings were suddenly interrupted by the sound of someone knocking at her door.

“Yes?”

“Buffy?”

Expecting to see her watcher, Buffy was shocked to find Dawn standing in the doorway.

“Dawn? What are you doing here?”

“Um, I just came to say that I kinda get why you don’t want to kill Spike. I mean, he’s a total jerk… and I totally hate him, but he still doesn’t deserve everything Giles says he does. “

Buffy smiles and gazes fondly at her little sister, glad to have at least one person support her decision.

“Thank you Dawnie for understanding.”

“Hey, it’s cool.”

And on that note Dawn was suddenly gone.

/Well, at least one person disapproves of murdering Spike./

Buffy sighs in frustration and lays down on her pillow, her eyes focused despondently on the ceiling.

“What am I gonna do?”

/Save him and let everyone else die? God, why can’t anything ever be simple?/

Buffy’s thoughts were diverted by the feel of something warm against her hand, followed by a soft green glow.

“What the-?”

She quickly shifts the covers to reveal that the amulet is now partially illuminating the room, its chain giving off a slight warmth. Curious, Buffy picks up the necklace and suddenly feels a strong pulse emanating from its center.

“Weird…”


Just as he had finally drifted off into some form of sleep Spike found himself waking up to a basement illuminated by a soft green glow. A few seconds later he began unconsciously walking towards the staircase

“What in the Bloody Hell is going on?”

Unable to resist, he soon found himself opening the door out of the basement and heading through the living room. It wasn’t until he reached the top of the stairs that he realized his ultimate destination…


Buffy continued to stare at the amulet pulsing her hands, desperately trying to determine what it meant.

“Buffy?”

Looking up at the vampire standing in her doorway Buffy found herself flushed in a wave of heat. Every molecule in her body was suddenly screaming in desire for the man before her and her eyes widened in comprehension as the old watcher’s words echoed through her mind.

/ Find your donor. The amulet will take care of the rest…Guess that finally explains just how this little piece of mojo is supposed to work….Oh no…/

Before Buffy could open her mouth to tell Spike to leave she found him sitting next to her on the bed, his lips were only mere inches from her own and his voice strained with suppressed desire,

“Buffy… what’s happening to us?”

“I think…that the watchers… have taken this decision out of my hands. Oh God, Spike, I’m so sorry but I don’t think I can stop it.”

“Don’t try. At least I’ll die a happy man.”

Buffy wanted to protest, to smack that self deprecating smirk off his face, but soon forgot exactly what she was protesting as Spike’s lips met hers in a bruising kiss.

The kiss gradually escalated along with the rising pulse of the amulet and soon Buffy found herself throwing Spike onto the bed beneath her. Straddling his hips she only belatedly realizes that the amulet has gone from being on the bed to being in her hand, and is now pressing directly against Spike’s chest.
Without warning its glow intensifies and Buffy begins mindlessly grinding against Spike’s now hard erection. Desperation floods her body, not for release but for the feeling of being so completely joined to the vampire beneath her. Meanwhile Spike has been reduced to a series of frantic moans and breathy pleas.

“Buffy…ahh!...oh God Buffy… please….”

His hands grasp her hips and just for a moment Buffy is able to think through the haze of lust surrounding them. Somehow unconsciously aware that this joining would be the final initiation towards connecting his demon with her own, Buffy slows her movements and takes the time to look at the writhing vampire beneath her. Realizing that this could very well be one of the few remaining memories she would carry of him alive, she attempted to etch every feature of his face into her mind’s eye.

“Spike…shoosh…shoosh…let me look at you, really look at you one last time.”

As if somehow sensing the Slayer’s distress Spike slows his frantic thrusts, still too addled with lust to truly comprehend why the Slayer wished him to stop but aware of her desire none the less.

“My God, you’re so beautiful. And now it’s too late.”

With that, the power finally reaches its climax and Buffy finds herself hurriedly unzipping Spike’s jeans before thrusting down onto his desperately hard cock. As if waiting for this exact moment the amulet burst into a seething green flame that seeps through Spike’s skin and begins to illuminate his chest, transforming his pleas into frantic cries of pain.

Buffy had time to take one last panicked glance at the vampire before doubling over herself as a new energy began to travel through the joining of their two bodies and up into the very center of her. Her last thought as she finally fell into a blissful darkness was that she could no longer hear Spike screaming.... Maybe her tortured lover had found his peace at last….





Buffy woke to find light seeping through her window, casting across the room the slim shadows of early dawn.

Uh, I feel as if I’ve been hit with a metaphysical freight train.

She gradually lifts her head, only to find her eyes being brought level with a streak of light coming through the blinds, sending her vision into a kaleidoscope of painful white stars.

Guess my eyesight is a little better than it used to be.

Groaning she pushes up with her hands and suddenly finds soft yet firm skin yielding beneath her fingers. Memories from the night before begin running through her now fully alert mind and she gazes down in panicked surprise at the very real and very still man lying before her.

“Spike? Oh my God! Spike? Can you hear me?”

This was more than she could ever have hoped for. After all, him lying on the bed meant that he wasn’t dust, and if he wasn’t dust he obviously wasn’t dead…right? This must mean that there was ho-

THUMP, THUMP, THUMP, THUMP

What in the hell was that?

Looking around the room Buffy frantically searched for the cause of the steady beat pounding through her ears before feeling her eyes attach themselves to Spike’s now pulsing neck. Almost as if in a trance she leans forward and gently licks the precious vein before quickly drawing herself back upright. Her hand firmly placed over her now salivating mouth.

“NO!”

Jumping off her formerly vampiric lover Buffy hysterically backs away from the bed until she feels her self bump into the dresser lining her bedroom wall. Stomach heavy with growing dread she slowly turns to face the mirror and finds herself staring at two golden eyes, their shine a perfect match to the light reflecting off the new fangs showing just below the lips of her now open mouth. Thrusting away from the dresser in horror, her building scream is interrupted by a sudden pounding the door.

“Buffy? ! Answer this door at once. I know that you must be distraught over the loss of your….vampire. But we have allowed you to mourn for quite long enough. It’s time to start learning to use your new found abilities.”

Buffy heard her watcher’s voice, but the only thing she could think about was what it would be like to sink her teeth into the throat it emanated from.

“Honestly Buffy what’s wrong? Do you fear the other’s reaction to your new…status? Is that it? Because if so I can assure you that I have more than adequately handled the situation.”

No, what’s wrong is that I just conducted a ritual in order to save the world from evil and now all I want to do is kill the man who’s been like family to me for over five years.

Buffy pulled herself back into the present and managed to grind out an answer to her surrogate father.

“Get away from the door! I’ll come out when I’m ready.”

Please go! Please, please go!

The slayer continues to direct her newly enhanced hearing towards the doorway and sighs in relief when she hears her watcher begin walking down the hall. All the while muttering about the nonsense of caring for useless vampires.

Huh, maybe this new demon deal comes with some kinda miraculous mind control. Or Giles could just be getting soft….nah.

Buffy sighs in relief and moves away from the dresser. However, just as she finds herself calming down her control is once again tested as she hears a distinct rustling coming form the direction of her bed.

“Buffy…”

The voice is disarmingly weak, but still retained the husky cadence so indicative of its owner. Without thought, Buffy rushed to the side of her be, elated to see Spike struggling to sit up against the headboard.

“Spike! You’re alive!”

She pulls him into her arms and by the time she remembers her newfound dilemma it is already too late. Unable to resist any longer she suddenly finds herself turning his weakened body forwards and placing her untried fangs at the pulse emanating from his now very warm and very alive body.

The gush of life that suddenly flowed into Buffy’s mouth felt like sheer heaven…and she of all people should know. She could feel the beating of the heart buried deep within the body gripped so tightly within her arms and continued to ride that frantic pulse as her own body flushed with frenzied excitement. Distantly she felt hands rise to grip the back of her head as she presses her lips even closer to the pale column beneath her. A pain filled moan fills the room as a set of blonde curls languidly rolls to the side in a form of silent surrender.

“Buffy….”

At the sound of Spike’s voice Buffy suddenly jerks her head back in shock, her eyes fading back to their normal greenish hazel. Slowly lifting her hand to her still wet lips she brings it back to see it covered in the blood of the man whose wounded neck is still lying against her shoulder.

“OH MY GOD!”

Trying to suppress a growing sense of self-disgust Buffy carefully turns Spike in her arms and places him gently on the bed before her. Her fingers clamping over his neck in an effort to stop the blood pouring from the twin puncture wounds decorating its side.

“L-lick it.”

Spike’s voice is so soft that she would not have known he had spoken had the movement of his lips not jarred the gashes underneath her fingertips.

“What?”

“Lick… t-the…wound”

Not at all certain that tasting the ex-vampire’s blood again wouldn’t lead her to draining him, Buffy hesitates and begins looking around the room for anything that could apply the right amount of pressure to cease the bleeding.

“W-won’t w-work. You have…to lick…the wound t-to…seal it.”

Spike briefly opens his eyes and something in their blue depths convinces Buffy of the truth behind his words. With a sigh of defeat and a silent prayer she leans forward and, ignoring her immediate thought of “blood is disgusting”, lowers her mouth once more to the wound. She begins to lick the cuts in sure, measured strokes and for a moment the hunger once again threatens to overwhelm her. With a great effort she slowly pulls her mouth away and once more looks into a familiar set of weary blue eyes. Spike watches her with a gaze keen to relief before once again gratefully passing into unconsciousness.

Buffy quickly reaches over to Spike’s wrist and places two of her fingers on the arteries flowing below the surface. Sighing in relief as she discovers his pulse has remained strong, she collapses against the headboard and tries to make sense of what has just happened. She knew that she should be horrified by her actions, but somehow feeding from Spike had felt like the most natural thing in the world.

I almost killed him…how can that be natural?

Briefly she wondered if she had somehow lost her soul, but soon determined that her apparent guilt over causing the ex-vampire pain negated that theory.

So why am I doing this?

Finally out of answers Buffy checked Spike’s pulse one more time before opening her door to find her watcher approaching her from the other end of the hall.

“Giles, we need to talk.”


An hour later Buffy and Giles had somehow managed to change her bedding, reposition Spike, and go over hundreds of years of slayer history while simultaneously keeping all the Scoobies and the SIT’s away from the door. It had not taken the slayer or the watcher very long to determine that Buffy’s new status should not be openly announced until they had some understanding of what had exactly occurred. After all, Xander’s reaction before the ritual was proof enough that Buffy’s friends were far from ready to face the truth, and though she would inevitably have to eventually face them Buffy was planning on delaying that confrontation for as long as possible. Besides she was finding it hard to concentrate with Spike still unconscious.

“Buffy, are you at some point going to tell me how Spike ended up like this?”

Yeah, that’s going to be a fun conversation.

“Look Giles, this is a lot for me to take in at once. Can you just give me a bit to think things out?”

“Alright. A few hours. We don’t have time for anything more. It’s been hard enough to keep everyone away as it is.”

“Thank you.”

With one last tired glance Giles left the room, for the moment putting aside his questions in light of the almost horrified look still gracing his slayer’s features

I don’t know what the bloody hell went on in that room, but I better damn well find out soon.




Buffy listened to make sure Giles was well down the hall before turning around to go check on Spike. She found him still laying on his back, his hair mussed from their previous tussle and his cheeks flushed with the life that now flowed beneath his skin. His chest rose and fell in a steady pattern and his long lashes extended out to brush his cheeks. The overall affect made him appear to be peaceful, angelic even.

With gentleness she had never before shown him in his wakeful hours Buffy ran her finger down a single sharp cheek bone and realized with a sense of awe that through her body she had turned a monster into a man. Finally something good after years and years of nothing but sacrifice and pain.

And what a beautiful man he is….

Unfortunately Buffy’s inspection was cut short as the object of her observations suddenly burst into consciousness with a wrenching gasp.

“Spike!”

Eyes frantic, Spike searched the rooms until his eyes finally focused in on the anxious slayer leaning above him.

“Buffy? W-what happened?

“You mean you don’t remember?

Spike shakes his head and feels a sudden sharp pain coming burst from the side of his neck, unconsciously he raised his hand to the sore area only to find it covered in a series of bandages. His eyes clouding over in memory as the last few hours came rushing back and he gazed at Buffy with an expression of shock and amazement.

“You bit me.”

“Yes Spike, I did. Can you forgive me?”

Spike opens his mouth as if to answer but pauses as he feels an unfamiliar stirring from beneath his fingertips. Pressing a little harder he once again concentrated on that tiny throb and realized with a fierce shock that he was feeling his pulse for the first time in over a hundred years.

“Buffy, luv, what have you done to me? “

Gradually pushing himself up on his elbows Spike looked up at Buffy and she was appaled to see a foreign emotion that she could only label as vulnerability swimming around in his clouded eyes. She had seen many things in those blue orbs over the years,…defiance, stubbornness, joy, anything and everything but the sheer confusion and loss she found there now.

“W-what do you mean?”

Those same lovely blue eyes were now narrowed in suspicion, and Buffy could not help but notice the prominent bags beneath them.

He looks so tired..

“Buffy.. what. Have. You. Done?”

Spike’s voice was calm but held an edge of fearful questioning that somehow shaved decades from his eyes and years from his face.

It’s amazing how someone can go from looking so old weary to so very young in just one moment.

“B-buffy?

Upon seeing the utter fear and confusion in his eyes Buffy took his face in both hands and desperately thought of something to say.

“Well.. you’re definitely not dead.”

Her attempt at humor fell on deaf and panicked ears, so she simply forged on as if it had never been said.

“Spike, look, we thought that when your demony essence left you that meant you wouldn’t be able to live, but we were wrong. Maybe because of the soul, maybe because it’s just that way, but when the demon went it…well it left the man behind. Do you understand?”

Spike’s eyes widened in shock before he pushed away from Buffy’s gaze and fell back against the headboard, his hand coming up to rest on his chest, eyes growing wider with every heartbeat.

“No…no…no….no….it can’t be.”

Buffy was more than slightly confused by the unhappiness in Spike’s voice, she figured he would be elated to be rid of the creature that made his soul weep on an hourly bases.

“Spike, I don’t understand. Shouldn’t you be happy it’s gone?”

At that Spike’s eyes once again gained focus and turned on Buffy with an expression entirely too close to rage.

“Happy? Happy that I’m weak, powerless. Happy that I’m no longer any use to you? Don’t you see Buffy? The demon may have been awful but it was a part of me and it made me strong, and now all I have is William, poor sniveling William all caught up and useless in my own weak head.”

As he spoke Buffy had noticed a definite softening and refinement of his accent that, accompanied with his now mussed curls, made Spike appear to be almost a different person.

Which I guess is exactly his point… isn’t it?

“And to top it all off, I turned you into the very thing you hate. How can you even look at me? At least before I was useful in the fighting department, but now I am not even that.”

All of the ex-vampires’ energy seemed to rush out of him after his rant and he hung his head in what appeared to be exhaustion and shame. Buffy could only hope it was more the former than the later. It was easy to restore the weary, it was far harder to assist the emotionally drained. Furthermore, they were far past the time when they had hours and hours of the day to deal with personal hysterics.

“Well first of all, we’re not exactly sure what I’ve been turned into. And as I conducted the ritual I hardly think that this is your fault. Second of all, you are not useless. We just are going to have to find a new use for you. Alright? Right now the only way in which you could ever be useless is by doing exactly what you are doing right now, giving up. You can still be apart of all this, but you are going to have to drop the defeatist attitude. I’m not exactly thrilled with the results of this little experiment we conducted but I’m dealing and so should you.”

Spike looked as if he had been slapped.

I am such a bloody idiot. Here I am, sitting her and bitching about gaining back my humanity while the girl in front of me is still mourning hers.

“Buffy, I’m sorry, I was so wrapped up in what happened to me I completely forgot about what you’re dealing with luv. It must be terrible suddenly having such a demanding git inside of you, I of all people should know, after all, he did belong to me for the last hundred years or so.”

At that Buffy smiled, relieved that Spike seemed to be pulling through his little depressed stupor.

“Well let’s figure out just how much he’s taken up shop before we start whining about him moving in.”

With that Buffy stood up and away from the bed, holding out her hand to the blond man below her. Spike stared at it a moment before grasping it firmly and levering himself up. Despite his proclaimed resolve he could not help but notice that everything felt a little bit off. Sounds were deafened, his vision was a tad blurry, and he was forever cut off from the scent and drumming pulse that was the blonde vision before him.

Buffy, meanwhile, was having difficulties of her own. Spike’s hand in hers made his heartbeat all the more pronounced and raised a bloodlust far stronger than anything she had felt when it was solely Giles in the room. It appeared that this new force within her remembered Spike, and planned on remaining as connected with him as possible.

“You’re hungry, aren’t you luv?”

“W-what?”

“I said you’re hungry, you need to feed.”

Angry at his ability to so easily read her failure to control this new part of herself Buffy dropped Spike’s hand and turned towards the doorway, walking full across the room before throwing over her shoulder to the confused man behind her, “get yourself together and meet me in the living room, we have a lot to tell and very little time to tell it.

Spike watched her go with a sense of dread. As little as he liked Buffy seeing him like this, he liked the prospect of the scoobies knowing far less. With a sigh he straightened his clothes, zipped up his pants and desperately tried to control his hair before following the slayer out of the room.

Might as well get this bloody over with then.

Twenty minutes later Spike walked down the stairs into the living room to find Buffy surrounded by Giles and the entire Scooby company. He tried to reacquire some of his old swagger but found himself lacking, and decided to simply settle for settling against the wall behind Buffy. Upon noticing that Spike had finally entered the room Giles stepped forward and began the meeting.

“Alright, as everyone is well aware a ritual has recently taken place that has removed Spike’s demon and added its power to Buffy’s”

At that announcement several sets of eyes widened in surprise, and Buffy braced herself for the onslaught that was to come.

“Well if they went through with the ritual then why is blonde and obnoxious still standing?”

There was no real explanation for the utter rage that was fueling itself through Buffy’s body, but she suddenly felt a sense of blinding possession fill her as Xander continued to let loose on the man, yes , man, behind her.

“ ….. I thought that this ritual was supposed to remove that pain in the ass once and for all.”

“Shut up Xander!”

Buffy’s exclamation plunged the room into surprised silence. After all, while she had recently shown a minimal amount of affection towards the blonde she had never displayed anything that would have led to her defending the ex-vampire over one of her best friends.

“What?”

“I said shut up! Just shut up!”

“Buffy… are you defending him?”

Seeing her best friend floundering before her, Willow quickly stepped in to defend Xander’s position.

“Now Buffy, I am sure that it’s just the change that’s making you act like this, if you were thinking clearly you would see that removing Spike from the picture would have been for the best.”

“Well with that logic Willow, it would have been for the best to remove you a long time ago. God knows it would have been safer for us all.

Buffy raised her hands to her mouth in horror at what she had just said. She had meant to defend Spike, but not by putting that familiar look of traumatic shame back into the witch's eyes.

“Oh Willow…”

“Now do you see? Do you see what you and that bloodsucking bastard has done? You turned her into a monster, just like him!”

Xander’s voice was full of righteous rage and concern for the red head now sitting on the sofa, his entire focus aimed at the ex-vampire still leaning against the wall behind Buffy.

“Children! If you would please shut up perhaps we can get over this nonsense and actually ascertain just how much Buffy has changed before blaming everything on Spike. Because as lovely as the notion sounds, this ritual is bigger than all of us, including your quarrel with Spike Xander.”

“Giles! Did you not hear what she said to Willow? How can you for-“

“The same way I forgave Willow for murdering several people in cold blood before trying to destroy all of Sunnydale.”

Willow opened her mouth to protest but was effectively cut off by a single raised hand.

“No, Willow. Buffy was right, as much as hate the notion of forgiving Spike, because I belief his actions to be almost utterly unforgiveable, if you want forgiveness yourself you should allow her to show the same sentiment towards others.”

Buffy was both shocked and touched by her watcher’s loyalty, and though she wondered if it derived more from affection or necessity she was grateful for it nonetheless.

“Now Buffy, besides an increase in your proclivity to be… more aggressive, than usual have you noticed any other changes?”

Hesitating after having experienced her friends’ previous outbursts, Buffy looked back at Spike in a quiet plea. Somehow innately understanding what she needed Spike moved forward and, placing his hands on the back of Buffy’s seat, craned his neck in order to show the others the mark Buffy made earlier that morning. A collective gasp filled the room and Buffy looked carefully at the floor in order to avoid the various expressions of disgust that now filled her friends' faces.

“Well I just don’t understand what the big deal is. Everyone knows that biting makes sex better for vampiric creatures, it only makes sense that someone as talented as Spike would make her lose control enough to feed.”

Everyone looked at Anya with matching expressions of astonishment before simply shaking their heads. There was no point in reasoning with Anya over what was and wasn’t appropriate and no one felt like taking on that task over something as sensitive as the matter at hand.

“Well if ya’ll aren’t going to do anything then I will.”

With that Kennedy rose from her seat and turned to face the room.

“Don’t you see…she’s not even one of us anymore. She’s one of the monsters, and I destroy monsters.”

Sensing danger Buffy’s eyes turned gold and she felt her teeth elongate before, moving too quickly to see, she rushed Kennedy and, placing both hands around her neck, pushed her up against the back wall.

“Don’t you ever threaten me again Kennedy, or I will kill you.”

At that Buffy gradually allowed Kennedy to fall back to the floor before turning back to the surrounding Scoobies, her eyes still filled with that strange golden amber.

“Interesting….”

Giles walked away from his place beside the stairs and addressed the now silent Scoobies.

“Well, as you can all see, regardless as to the extent of her change Buffy is obviously still in control. After all, if anyone would be annoying enough to warrant an immediate death it would have been Kennedy.”

Buffy heard Giles words, but it was as if they echoed from a far distance. It had taken all she had to let go of Kennedy, and her blood was still fuming with uncompleted violence. She was about to lunge once more at the young potential before she found herself encompassed in a warm set of pale arms.

“Shhh love, shhh…try not to think about her. Think about anything else. Now come on love, walk with me, walk with me over this way.”

Buffy allowed the voice to seep into her consciousness and surprisingly found herself responding to its words. Both Buffy and the demon found its presence familiar and it took little effort to allow it to guide her back to her seat.

Upon settling Buffy down to control the demon he knew to be raging within her, Spike got up and addressed the Scoobies himself. After all, if Buffy could face her friends then he sure as hell could.

“Look, I know you lot bloody hate my guts but this isn’t about me, it’s about her. She did what she had to save you all and now your treating her like some kind of bloody pariah. If you got a problem with me that’s fine, but attack me, not her. She doesn’t deserve that, she’s doing the best she can.”

Without a word Xander moved towards Spike and pulled his fist back before slamming him full in the face. Fully expecting the vampire to instinctively hit back and cause himself great pain, Xander was surprised to see him drop to the floor.

“What the…”

Bloody whelp, I think he just blacked my eye.

Picking himself up off the floor with full intentions of retaliating against the frustrating mass of twinky blubber that was Xander on a daily basis, Spike was surprised to see that the boy wasn’t still standing over him gloating. He was even more surprised to find that said boy was now being shoved up against a wall on the other side of the room.

Slayer moves damn fast now, or maybe that’s just the human eyesight talkin’.

Spike walked over to Buffy who was currently holding Xander about three or four feet off the floor and could not help but gloat a little. Well, at least until Buffy began to snarl and press her fangs into Xander’s neck.

“William is mine! Mine!”

Well this certainly can’t be good.

Spike glanced around the room and found that the others had gathered around the trio but were somewhat frozen, each of them wanting to stop Buffy’s decent but none wanting to be the one that would have to hurt her. Well all except for Kennedy, who from as far as Spike could tell just didn’t want to get the shit beat out of her again.

Smart girl. Guess it’s up to me then….

Spike sighed and picked up a letter opener lying on the coffee table.

If this doesn’t work it was a good run everybody. Thanks for coming to see the bloody show….



Buffy was enraged. How dare this mortal try to harm what was hers? What had always been hers? There was no punishment harsh enough for such a trespass, and besides, something was whispering to her that it had never liked this particular life all that much anyway.

She was just above that delicious pulse point when another scent filled the room. Stronger and far more delicious than the one in her hands. She knew this scent, had known it for over a century. It was HERS.
A tiny trace of Buffy attempted to slip through but was harshly repressed as the demon pushed Xander back against the wall and immediately tackled Spike to the floor. Her hands grasping around his now bloody wrist.


God! Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea.

But as Buffy fastened her lips to his wrist and began to pull from the stream flowing there Spike felt himself responding in ways that had nothing to do with pain.

Great, just great. Figures little Spike would think utter terror is an aphrodisiac.

However, Spike had very little time to revel in said sensation before he felt the Slayer being pulled away from him. And realized with a shudder that it felt as if far more than their bodies were being separated. It almost felt as if his very soul was going to rip in two.

Spike was so startled that it took him a good minute or two of lying on his back to realize that Buffy was not going to return to finish the job. And he leaned up to find his love lying on the floor, a tranquilizer dart sticking prominently from the side of neck. The gun it was born from shaking in Giles hands. He felt arms around his shoulders, and was suddenly assisted to his feet as he watched the same being done for Xander on the other side of the room. He somewhat regained his balance and half walked, half stumbled to the blonde sprawled out on the floor.

“You hurt her!”

“Now Spike, don’t be ridiculous, I simply knocked her out so that she would not hurt herself. Or you for that matter.”

Despite his words Giles’s voice had a very uncertain edge to it that made Spike highly apprehensive. If the Watcher was unsettled there wasn’t going to be a chance in hell of the others accepting this little situation.

“Hey! How was she able to hurt Spike anyway? Shouldn’t he have just thrown her off or something?”

Spike was so worried about the fallen Slayer that he barely registered Willow’s question until it was repeated by a haggard Xander who had somehow managed to work his way over to stand in front of him.

“Yeah bleach-boy, how was she able to knock you down like that? Wait a minute, how was *I* able to knock you down like that.”

As much as Spike had dreaded revealing what had happened to Buffy, he realized that it was this moment he had truly feared. After this there would be no more hiding, he would truly become one of the human horde. He would become weak, just like them.

Somehow sensing that the ex-vampire was not going to reveal his new status anytime soon, Giles stepped forward, tranquilizer gun still firmly in his hands.

“Kennedy, Anya, why don’t you two carry Buffy over to the sofa, as for the rest of you… the reason behind Spike’s vulnerability has the same origins as Buffy’s new strength. While I suspected the demon would be too integral a part of him for him to survive without it I was wrong. Apparently, when the demon left Spike’s soul ensured that his human essence would take over the body and allow it to survive.”

The Scoobies took a moment to allow Giles’s words to sink in before turning to face the now ex-vampire below them.

“So… in dumb-man terms….. what does that exactly mean?”

“It means, Xander, that Spike is now as human as you or I.”

Xander’s angry shout was unexpected, and Willow turned to him with a definite question upon her features.

“What’s wrong Xander? I thought you would be happy to have Spike all un-demony and harmless…”

“Don’t you see Willow? Don’t you see?! He took Buffy’s humanity and then got back his own. I don’t want a human Spike, I want Buffy back! I want back my best friend, not some demon that tries to kill me for hitting someone who tried to rape her!”

“Xander! I think that is quite enough!”

Giles’s voice was firm, and rather than argue Xander simply glared at the room once more before marching towards the kitchen, closely followed by a highly confused Willow.

“Now that that’s settled, everyone go back to what you were doing before this all began. Spike? Why don’t you help me take Buffy back up to the bedroom?”

Body still numb with the shock of what had just been revealed, Spike’s only solace was that soon he would be away from all this. Away from all this and alone with the one person who could possibly understand, the same person who was now sleeping fitfully in his arms.

Placing Buffy on the bed he had occupied only hours before, Spike looked up to see Giles quietly observing him from the doorway.

“You know, you’re a walking target like this.”

Spike, who had been anticipating time alone with the Slayer was upset to find the Watcher still around, and was less than thrilled at this newest accusation.

“I can’t bloody win, can I Watcher? I give everything I possibly can to this girl and you still see me as nothing but a nuisance. I ca-“

“Oh do shut up Spike. While you are certainly far from useful I was referring to your appearance, not your basic character.”

Spike looked down at the faded jeans and black t-shirt he was still wearing and looked back up, his confusion obvious. Giles sighed and took off his glasses.

“Your choice of clothing, besides being absolutely deplorable, is also unfortunately highly recognizable. Along with your hair. And your entire appearance seems to invoke a good deal of anger in a good number of our demonic neighbors.”

“So, what are you saying?”

“I’m saying that you need a new look, preferably something a little less noticeable.”

Gilles put his glasses back on before pulling out his wallet and handing Spike a couple of bills.

“If Buffy’s tolerance is anything akin to a werewolf's, and I would imagine it is, you’ve go about three hours. Go out and get yourself some new clothes. And for God’s sake do something about your hair.”

Spike looked at the bills in his hand and back up at the man standing before him with a mixture of awe and puzzlement.

“Why are you doing this? You hate me.”

“Be that as it may, she,” Giles nodded towards the bed, “Does not. And I think that you have more than proven that you care about her. Besides, I imagine attempting to kill you would probably be more than a little harmful to my health. And I have only myself to blame for that. Now you’d better be going if you are hoping to get back before she wakes.

With that Giles left the room and Spike, after taking off Buffy’s shoes and making sure she was comfortably arranged, looked once more at the bills in his hand before heading out towards the hallway. It wasn’t until he reached the front door that he realized there was a slight problem to going outside…

“You’re afraid of the daylight aren’t you?”

Spike quickly turned towards the young voice emanating from behind him and was startled to see a falsely nonchalant Dawn standing on the end of the stairs. He hadn’t even detected the girls’ approach.

And why would you, you wanker? You’re not a big bad vamp anymore. Just a human, with a pathetic human nose.

“Not exactly afraid… just uncertain.”

Dawn snorted in contempt before rising and walking towards the ex-vampire that had once meant so much to her.

“Right… what are you leaving for anyway? I thought my sister needed you. Abandoning us again? Or are you gon-“

“Look, b- Dawn, I’m getting a bit tired of the constant threats and gory reminders. You’re right pissed with me. I get it. But there’s no way I can change the past and right now I’ve only got three hours before your sister wakes to get this done. So if you don’t mind, I’m just gonna go.”

Despite his courageous words, Spike remained standing, still afraid to cross that last threshold. Dawn uncrossed her arms and tilted her head to the side.

“To get what done?”

Spike sighed.

“Watcher says I have to find a new look. While I may still look like good ol’ Spike I don’t have the strength to back that image anymore. Besides, a good deal of the demon community is not exactly happy with me. With me human now it would be a free for all.”

“Giles helped you? Surprising.”

My thoughts exactly.

Fully expecting the girl to leave now that her questions had been answered, Spike was shocked to find Dawn picking up her purse and heading towards the doorway.

“Well, come on.”

“Y-you’re coming?”

“Well you’re obviously too much of a sissy to leave without assistance, and who knows the shopping around here better than me? If you want to be back in three hours then you will have to know where you are going.”

At that Dawn pushed open the door and stepped to the side.

“Go on, you have to get through this sometime."

Spike looked once more at the light that seemed to be pressing all around him and, gathering his resolve, slowly took a step outside.

“Wonderful, you made it the porch. Look, I don’t have all day-“

“Give me a break, bit, it’s been over a century!”

Feeling a slight sense of nolstalgia at the sound of his nickname for her once again falling so easily off his lips Dawn relented and quietly stepped outside. Only to find herself once more frustrated by his inabilty to get over his fears.

“See Spike? Me, human. You, human. I’m not burning so you’re not going to burn. Now stop being a pussy and come out.”

Angered by the teenager’s mocking Spike gathered his nerve and took those last few steps into the sunlight.

While Dawn had known about Spike’s new change of status it did not seem to really hit her until she saw him standing in her yard. He was looking up at the sun with an expression of utter joy and inexplicable loss, and she watched him slowly fall to his knees with his eyes still tentatively holding on that strange mixture of emotions as he planted his hands firmly in the grass.

“It’s for real, isn’t it?”

Now Dawn was just confused.

“What is?”

“Me, this. There’s no going back is there?”

“Spike, I-I don’t know what to tell you.”

The uncertainty in the girl’s voice brought him out of his stupor and Spike slowly lifted himself from the ground. He had a lot of thinking to do but now was not the time.

“Just ignore me bit, 'm just getting used to everything is all.”

Somehow Dawn found herself not at all believing his casual dismissal, but if he was willing to put off this particularn session introspection than she was more than willing to let him.

And besides, at least he isn't going all nutso again...

Twenty minutes later, Spike’s eyes had still not adjusted by the time he and Dawn had reached the mall and he could only rub his eyes and follow as Dawn deftly guided them to the nearest Gap. Therefore it was a slight shock when his vision finally cleared and Spike found himself surrounded in frat boy paradise.

“No way bit, this isn’t me.”

Dawn cocked an eyebrow and put her hands on her hips.

“Well that’s the point isn’t it? To look different?”

Spike really couldn’t argue with her logic, this store was definitely different.

“Dawn-“

“Look, we’ll still stick to colors you like. You don’t gotta where pink or anything, but you can’t where all black. And you gotta get rid of those boots. That’s the rules.”

Spike couldn’t help but being amused, she looked so much like a mini-Joyce in that moment with her arms akimbo and that determined expression on her face that he found he couldn’t deny her.

If only Mum could see the bitty now…

“Alright bit, I’ll give it a shot. But if we don’t find anything we’re going to another store.”

Dawn snorted in contempt before turning around with a swish of her hair and heading towards the clothing racks.

“So, do you have any clue as to what size you are?”


Thirty minutes later Spike stepped out of the dressing room and found himself staring at the reflection of a man who had died over a hundred and twenty years ago. He eased towards the mirror and gently lifted his hand to trace the features before him. Some things he remembered, the cheekbones, the girly lashes, but as for everything else? He may as well have been staring at a stranger, a young stranger.

How is it possible, how, after everything I’ve done, after everything I’ve gone through, can I not have at least aged?

He continued to stare at the mirror, searching for alterations in his appearance that would display the wear of over a century and found them in little doses throughout his face. The scar through his eyebrow, a trace of weariness that seemed permanently entrenched within his eyes, his hair…
Shame that has to go, bloody hurt getting it done.

This was the face of a man, the body of a killer, it was everything he had ever wanted and now despised. And he could not turn away.

“I like that one. You should get it.”

Well, almost could not turn away, Spike startled at the sound of Dawn’s voice and was only mildly surprised she had made her way into the men’s dressing room. Cocking a brow, Spike looked himself up and down and appraised the dark jeans and form fitting red shirt. With his hair loose and curly and without the comforting presence of his docs he truly did look like a different person. Suddenly this shift in appearance seemed much more appealing, and Spike wondered if that had been the Watcher’s intention all along.

“Alright Dawn, help me find a few more of this nancy shirts and some pants and we’ll go.”

In the mirror Spike could see Dawn’s skepticism plain upon her face.

“You’re going to let *me* pick them out?”

Spike simply turned and gave her one of his patented stares before heading back inside the dressing room. Despite her self proclaimed hatred for the vampire, Dawn found herself smiling at his antics.

This is going to be fun…



After the GAP the two went by the shoe store and picked up some boots and sneakers before heading over to a CVS. While Spike truly hated the drudgery involved with consistent shopping he found himself enjoying this time alone with Dawn. For the first time in what seemed like decades she talking to him without a trace of disdain, and he could almost imagine that things were the way they were before he left. Almost.

“Come on Spike! We only have about forty five minutes left and we still have to pick up lunch!”

“What are we doing here?”

“This is a CVS. CVS sells hair dye. Come on.”

Oh God, not the hair…


“Dawn, I’m not sure if-“

“Oh no you don’t! There’s no going back now you sissy! Now get your butt in here!”

They entered the store and Dawn directed them over to the hair supply aisle, she glanced at the various shades and then back at Spike’s hair.

“So, what color do you like?”

“The one on the top of my head.”

Ignoring his remark Dawn picked out a light chestnut and held it up against Spike’s face.

“How about this one?”

“Look, bi-Dawn, I’m not so sur-“

“Great! Let’s go check out.”

Spike rolled his eyes and followed Dawn to the register, muttering something about fanatical Summers women…




After a quick trip to the food court, a visit that Spike enjoyed with great relish, the duo headed home and was back at Revello Drive just under three hours after their departure. As soon as they entered the door Spike raced upstairs to check on Buffy and found her to still be sleeping soundly.

“Guess the Watcher was right…”

Sighing he sat down on the edge of the bed and debated how he was going to spend the time before her waking. He had just gotten up to go put his new purchases in the basement when Dawn showed up in the doorway, box of hair product in hand, an anticipatory grin on her face.

“Oh no… you’re not getting away that easily.”



Spike had no idea why he allowed Dawn to duck his head repeatedly under the kitchen sink, the only water source in the house not taken over by one of the scoobies or potentials, or why he found himself allowing his hair to be styled by a girl about one twelfth his own age, but before he could fully register what was occurring it was over and Dawn was dragging him towards the mirror.

“You look amazing! You gotta see this!”

Smiling at her enthusiasm Spike allowed himself to be dragged to the mirror and almost fell over at the sight that greeted him. Looking back at him once more was a significantly more modern, but most assuredly recognizable young William. His hair was loose and curly, slightly styled so that it looked boyish without being overly floppy. The light chestnut color was almost an exact match to his natural tone and he wondered how Dawn could have possibly guessed it…a pondering that was cut blissfully short as he heard a voice calling from the top of the stairs.

“Spike? Spike! Where are you?”

He looked once more at his reflection and debated making a run for it before gathering his resolve and heading back towards the stairs.

Oh bugger, well here goes nothing….

Spike hands shook as he climbed the stairs and he found himself second guessing Giles’ “sound advice.” It was one thing to enact the change in theory, it was another to present it to the one person in the world whose opinion he actually valued. The trip down the hall to her doorway seemed far too short for his anxious mind and before long he was standing at her door, and a small smile graced his features as he realized that despite his transformation nothing had really changed.

I’m always standing at her door.

“Spike?”

Spike sighed and ran a hand through his hair before straightening his clothes and opening the door. It seemed an eternity before he reached the small form lying on the bed before him, and an eternity more before he could meet her eyes. But the expression he found there appeared to more than justify the long journey.

Buffy’s eyes were wide with awe as she patted the bed beside her, Spike gradually eased down and was stunned when the slayer lifted a shaking hand to softly touch his curls.

“Why?”

The word came out so softly it was almost a whisper but it fell like an echoing blast on Spike’s anxious ears.

“Giles though-“

“Shhh…”

Buffy placed a finger to his lips and Spike was once more stunned into silence as the same hand that had so softly touched his curls moved down to cup his cheek in a feathery caress.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Buffy could not believe the difference in the man before her. It was as if she had gone to sleep and woken to find an entirely new person. And she found herself hosting an irresistible urge to touch him.

He’s yours, he’s always been yours. You chose him, of all the lives that century you whispered to the seer to choose this one, now take what you chose.

Buffy knew the voice was not her own but listening to it felt so integrally right that she could not help silencing him so that she could raise a finger to those lovely lips. As soon as she touched his skin something seemed to click back into place and for the first time since waking this morning she felt complete. More than complete, she felt-

“Invincible.”

“W-what?”

Spike’s hesitant question interrupted the haze that seemed to have encompassed her and Buffy found herself once more gaining control of her senses. She had time to briefly wonder what why he looked so confused before the demon within her finally gained control and Buffy was assaulted by a barrage of images.

She saw a young boy before his father’s grave, his blue eyes wet with tears as he screamed at the injustice of the world, and remembered thinking that this was the one she had been waiting for ….She remembered watching him grow into a young man, so sad, so passionate … She once more felt the presence of a dark-haired seer, and re-lived the months of whispering sweet nothings into her ear in order to guide her to a single alley …. And at last she recalled the rewarding of her efforts through a wondrous birth into a strange and exciting new world….

“Oh my God…"

You see? He is ours. We waited so long….

Tears ran down Buffy’s face as she realized that William had been doomed from the moment he had entered that graveyard. She now knew him better than anyone alive or dead ever could, she knew him because she had been a part of him and she had seen him in every guise imaginable.

William in his suit and tie, a hulking Angelus behind him…William dressed up in workman’s clothes, looking at his non-existent reflection in the metal of a mine shaft… Spike dressed up for a night on the town, attempting to see himself in a diner mirror …. A punkish Spike gazing at an empty reflecting glass on the subway …. Spike in front of Drusilla’s dressing mirror in Sunnydale….

For decades, everytime Spike had looked in a mirror he had seen nothing, but the demon had seen him….

“Oh, oh Spike…”

Spike’s new look had brought on memory after memory and now Buffy finally understood. The presence inside he was not just a power, it was a personality, and it had decided it was not letting its William go. And for reasons she was not willing to acknowledge she was intensely glad of it…

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Spike watched as Buffy’s eyes lost focus and startled when he saw tears begin to fall down her face.

“Oh, oh Spike…”

Spike quickly drew the sobbing girl into his arms and Buffy let him hold her a while before breaking away and wiping her eyes on her sleeve.

“You know, luv, if I had known that all I needed to get this much attention was a haircut I would have done it a long time ago.”

Buffy laughed and once more looked up into the same set of blue eyes that she had seen crying in a graveyard over a century before.

He’s been through so much… *we’ve* been through so much. Maybe it’s time we actually did this together.

The presence seemed to quiet in affirmation of this thought, and Buffy instinctively grasped Spike’s hand in her own. As soon as Buffy’s hand connected with his a familiar presence flowed through Spike and for a brief moment he felt his veins surge with power before Buffy pulled away and the connection was broken once again.

“Did you-?”

His voice was uncertain, and Buffy sighed before kneeling next to the bed and cupping his face in her hands.

“Spike, I think I finally understand what’s going on. And I’m not going to lie to you, it’s scary. But I think we can get through it.”

She briefly touched his lips to her own before standing up once more and holding out her hand to the man before her.

“Trust me?”

Spike hesitated only a moment before snatching Buffy’s hand and allowing her to raise him up off the bed. With no other indication of her happiness at his acceptance than a quiet smile, the Slayer gently cupped his hand in both of her own before leaning up to kiss his lips once more.

“Buffy what are you-?

“Shhhh….”

She ran her hands across his cheeks before running a single finger down his nose and across his chin. Spike looked at her with an expression akin to awe and suddenly found it hard to breath as the same sense of raw power that he had felt before returned to fill his senses.

“Buffy….”

“Don’t you see? It’s not going to be enough that you gave me your power, you have to give me yourself as well. This new energy inside me will not have it any other way. It only gives me strength when it’s with you.”

“You don’t know that for sure, you haven’t even test-“

“Yes I do, because it told me.”

“I-it spoke to you?”

“Yes it did, and it wants its William back. And I see no reason to fight it, together we will defeat the First.”

“W-what about your mates?”

“I don’t want to put them in danger, not when I don’t have to.”

“Oh- Well how do we go about this-?”

Unable to restrain herself any longer Buffy took Spike’s face in both of her hands and kissed him, hard, before pushing him back towards the bed.

“Like that.”

“Buff-“

Placing both hands on the edge of his shirt Buffy quickly raised the thin material over her lover’s head before once more assailing his mouth with a series of light and brutal kisses. She was so wrapped up in the feel of him that it took her a moment to realize he wasn’t responding.

“Spike? Spike what’s wrong? D-don’t you want me?”

“Buffy… Of course I want you. But only if you want me, you mentioned everything the demon wanted but not what you wanted. I don’t want you doing this only because you think you have to.”

Buffy stared at the man before her and wondered how she could have missed the growing insecurity ever so present upon his all to open face. Sighing, she took a full step away from her lover before locking hazel eyes with blue once more, happy that for the first time in years she could return his gaze uninhibited by the morals and doubts of the petty humans around her. She was above that now.

“Spike, of course I want you. It may have taken sharing this together for me to see it, but now I know more than ever that you, all of you, is the only thing I will ever want again. Now make love to me my sweet William.”

Spike gasped at the words and Buffy suddenly felt the room spin around her ….

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Buffy opened her eyes to find herself lying on an overly soft bed, surrounded by an array of black and red candles.

And they are definitely not the neat scented kind either…

Inwardly groaning at the effort, she attempted to sit up only to find that her body was not responding. Panic began to steadily rise within her before a now familiar presence stepped forth and began to fill her with a sense of artificial calm.


Do not be afraid, it is only a memory.

*Why can’t I move?!*

Because* you* are not really here. This is our memory, his and mine.

*Why is this one so different from the others?*

She swore she could hear the demon chuckle before answering…

Because you allowed it to be you silly girl, because you allowed it to be. Now watch, and learn.

Buffy was just about to tell the presence exactly what she thought about that particular idea when the bed shifted beside and she felt her mouth moving of its own accord, a sweetly accented voice exuding from her now open lips.

“Who’s there?”

“A dream, my sweet, a marvelous dream.”

The young girl lying within the body on the bed could only watch as the raven haired vampiress climbed towards her, a slight sway to her narrow hips.

“W-where am I?”

Buffy felt her hand rise to her neck before drawing back to stare at the red substance that now stained her fingers.

“W-what have you done to me?”

She felt a small hand slide down her cheek before her vision was entirely consumed by a pair of mesmerizing blue eyes.

“Why I’ve given you the world my Prince, the very world. Now lay still for Mummy.”

Slight fingers began to unbutton the stiff cotton shirt she was still wearing from the day before and Buffy suddenly found herself fearing as to where this was heading.

“W-wha-?”

William, for Buffy now knew that the body on the bed could be none other than Spike as he once was , began to nervously pant as a cold hand slid down his now exposed to chest, pausing to trace each nipple with tender care.

“Mummy is going to make you all hers, I shall be the moon and you my sky, and we shall dance above the stars until the sun burns you away.”

Buffy could feel her mouth opening as if to object to this statement but all that came forth was a deep groan as the slayer experienced for the first time what Spike experienced every time she cupped his manhood in her hands.

And oh God, does it feel good…

Through a haze of pleasure she saw Drusilla smile before leaning down to completely remove the garments that restricted her access to her new toy.

“That’s it, now make love to me my sweet William.”

And with that the world suddenly grew dark once more before Buffy found herself back in her room and on her bed, a wide eyed Spike lying beneath her.


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Buffy took a moment to readjust herself to the present before finally locking her gaze with that of the man beneath her, her eyes fading to a golden amber.

“She may have taken your very first time from me but this new body is all mine!”

"How do you know about that?"

Buffy simply shook her head and let loose a possessive growl before attacking Spike’s lips with her own, her tongue fiercely plunging past trembling lips as she distantly felt a single slender hand rise to take hold in her hair. The desperate shaking of said appendage seemed to bring Buffy momentarily back to herself and she drew away to take one last glance at her lover.

“Will you let me Spike? Will you let me be your first? I promise I will explain everything later but just for now will you have me?”

At those gentle words a tunnel of power opened up once more between them and Spike’s eyes turned a dark yellow to match Buffy’s own.

“Yes….God yes.”